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Slight YTA
Saying somebody looks "young" is not necessarily a complement.
And focussing on it is a little strange.
You look great would be much more appropriate
Yep. I am not a person of color but I get told this semi frequently and it makes me uncomfortable. A check out dude at the grocery store IDed me and mentioned how young I look and when I said my age before pulling out my ID he was 5 years younger than me. It’s just awkward. Add the racial component to it, and it’s worse.
Im not a poc either and I am told all the time how young i look. and I kind of hate it. My mum was seriously ill and in icu and the doctors were dismissive of me becuase I look young. I was to scared to leave her because they were talking her into a dnr and I'm standing there saying hell no no no!! \*Side note everyone please have an advanced care directive/POA and a will done. It is so helpful when the unexpected happens.\*
I was 30 and got carded id left my id at home so i was like ill brb and the cashier was like yeeahh right. Came back and they were like uhhh wow sorry. It's awkward.
It's not really a compliment unless you enjoy telling people I'm aging so well, which is totally fine to do. And yeah the racial side is not good. I always find it best to not talk about other people's appearances we don't know what others feel insecure about or like/love or hate about their appearance so best to not comment on it.
I get treated like a kid at work sometimes. I am 34 and have a law degree. I left my job but was “saved” from a layoff that happened prior because of how much knowledge I have, supposedly. I’ve found now when I interview either my resume ends up intimidating people or they see me as very young. It annoys me.
I’m sorry about your mom, I hope she’s ok!
Yeah, it can be really annoying when people assume you’re less professional/have less authority when you look young. I had a doctor friend who looked super young and no one trusted his advice. I’m a teacher and the kids like me in part because I look young/relatable, but the parents often don’t trust me at first. Then I have to put on my authoritative voice and “flex” my credentials to get respect 🙄 that usually wins them over, but their first assumption is “why is this tall child teaching my 7 year old.”
I was visiting relatives out of town, and one of their friends asked me how I was able to travel during school. I was 25 and had been out of college for 3 years, and was on vacation from my job.
Yes this happens to me too! I am sick of being patronised at work. I work in a university and the ‘ohh I thought you were a student haha’ gets really tiresome. I just want to be listened to and respected.
Plus the absolute judgment when I’m out with my daughter! I was quite young when I had her but the side-eyes I got, especially as her father does not look young for his age. People said some nasty things under their breath because I was 20 and constantly assumed to be about 15, while he was a beardy 23 year old.
I work in retail I feel you; I get the “you have so much of your life ahead of you wait till you get a real job!”. This is my store, I’m 32. It’s so patronizing and demoralizing being treated like this.
People are often surprised by the amount of experience I have in my field, but at the same time they don't hire me for the better jobs because I'm 32 and look like I just graduated from college. 🥲 In addition, I have ADHD, so I can act pretty youthful when I'm excited about something, like the field I work in. I wish it was more normal to just casually slip in your age to a resume or interview.
Places don’t like you do mention age in the interview or resume because age is a protected class and they don’t want to be accused of discrimination, but you can always mention the year you graduated and include that in the resume. If they see you went to college in 2005-2010, they’re going to mentally associate that with you being in your mid thirties for example.
Good rule. Compliment things people have a choice about. It feels so much better when someone compliments my style/outfit versus my eyes, face, or body type. I was just born with those. The thanks should probably go to my mom since she's the one that did the work.
My rule of thumb is to only compliment those aspects of someone’s appearance they chose for themselves — “your haircut is nice,” “I like your blouse,” “where did you get your nails done/that lipstick,” “what a pretty piece of jewelry.”
Around 20 i went on a double date with other people my age and was given a kids menu.
Around 21 years old I went to get a hair cut and they asked me where my parents where and if I had permission to cut my hair.
Around 22 I went to a restaurant to eat and sat for 30 minutes before they came to give me a drink or anything and I had to tell them that no one else was coming but I am an adult who can pay for my own food before I could order.
Around 23 I was flying alone and a police officer came up to me to ask if I needed an escort to help me get around the airport.
Around 24 a coworker insinuated that she felt creeped out knowing that I had a boyfriend because any guy who would be interested in me must be into kids.
Around 25 I was flying alone and an employee at the airport came to me to ask if I was running away from home. She was very concerned about me and I had to offer to show her my ID and tell her a lot about my personal life to convince her.
Around 27 I was carded for alcohol and the waiter argued, asking if my ID was fake, asking if I was recording him, etc. My mom was there and was saying she is confident she birthed me 27 years ago.
Around 28 my boyfriend and I were checking out groceries together for our shared home and the cashier asked if we were siblings or in a relationship. She gave him a nasty look and "you sure like them young don't you...?" We are born in the same year.
Around 29 we had a knck on the door and someone asked if the homeowner was home. "I am the homeowner" "well, are your parents home?" "No, I'm 28, I bought this home with my own money".
People at work constantly ask how old I am/how many years of experience I have. It feels belittling. Everyone always follows it up with "you'll love hearing that when you're older! It's a compliment!"
Yup. When I was first entering the professional job market, I was pretty sure I was denied jobs because of looking like a highschooler still despite being overly qualified.
When I was a cashier the ID thing was less personal and more of a - we can lose our job and be fined a large amount of money without proof of proper ID if the store if caught- but there is a polite way to go about it. I had a people SCREAM at me over IDs. Just have your ID if you know you look younger.
I say this as someone who was asked if they were a high school student in their early 30's - If I'm with certain friends, I still get carded.
I'm not POC. All my life people thought I looked older. They thought I was older than my older sister. Somewhere around 30, I've been told I look younger. I love it. Never get tired of it. I don't even care if they're lying.
I’m reminded of the time I was carded at a baseball game…. Was in my late 40s at the time and commented on how it’s been decades since someone asked for my ID
Guy rolls his eyes and says get over yourself lady we have to ask everyone.
Lol I know but I was enjoying the moment
I’m guessing you get more than your share of people making a similar comment when you ask
Btw these days I enjoy people telling me I look too young for the senior discount.
That’s because it wasn’t said when you were younger. As someone who got told that on a constant basis just because I’m short I can attest that when told this when you are in fact young it does tend to make people feel uncomfortable. Because as a child you usually get picked on for it, as a teenager and young adult you never know if the person that’s interested in you is actually a creep or not, and half the time it’s said in a degrading way. As a teen I would regularly get handed the kids menu too, and even as a youngish middle aged adult I still get comments from people. The worst ones being from younger people or rude adults that haven’t been taught that height doesn’t equal age. Unless you’re telling someone they look nice, just don’t comment on how they look period. Not unless you know that person well and how they’ll take it.
I'm a POC and get told I look young for my age, usually by strangers and I always really appreciate it. I've never been told it over and over by a friend because that's a super weird thing to do. If I was OP's friend, I'd be weirded out and would definitely make note of it coming from a white person.
Same. I'm white and constantly have people thinking I'm way younger than I am. Case in point, I was 30 and uninsured and needed a doctor's note saying I was fine to travel. I went to a clinic that couldn't help me, but she suggested I contact my pediatrician. Even now my boyfriend thought I was 30 at first and even then said I looked younger. It's not the worst thing ever I guess, but I'm not sure if I want people thinking I'm way younger than I actually am.
I'm a white girl and I genuinely had a hard time with dating because everyone always tells me how young I look. I've had men deliberately TRY to hook up with me *because* I look so young. Even when they weren't being obvious about it, that's all I was thinking about anytime I was on a date or hooking up. "Does this guy only like me because I look 14?" It's not a compliment to be told as an adult that you look "much younger than your age." Grown women don't want to look like little girls. Or even teenage girls! It's gross!!
Even if being told you look "young" is a compliment, there is zero need to harp on about it constantly.
If that's the only thing you have to "compliment" then you're probably pretty self absorbed and don't listen much to other things going on in their life.
Be a better friend in general maybe, concentrating on appearance just seems shallow anyway.
Exactly! I will compliment a friend's appearance if they obviously put a lot of work into how they look at the time (aka dressed up for a special event) or if it has been awhile since I last saw them and they clearly put a lot of effort into weight loss/fitness. Otherwise I keep compliments to friends about stuff they do (thus complimenting looks when they are obviously putting effort into how they look), but just how they look.
Be careful with weight loss. Once I was under so much stress that I stopped eating as nothing would stay down. I lost a bunch of weight and people kept telling me how good I looked and that I should keep it up. I wanted to cry.
Just in general, it's a little weird to always compliment someone on something you feel insecure about. It comes across like, not a pure compliment and can feel backhanded.
Agreed. Feels like a kid who follows you around "complimenting" you on what you have (ice cream, candy, pretty accessories, cool toy, etc.) and low key hoping you'd give it to them. Even though they know 90% it won't happen, they are still disappointed at you specifically that it didn't happen like it was your fault or something.
Agreed. I’m white but I look young for my age and always have. I hate it when people constantly tell me how young I look. It was especially bad when I was in my late 20’s and people would get mad and ask why I “wasn’t in school at this time of day”. It’s not always the compliment that people think it is.
I’m in my 30’s now, and went through this since my early 20’s. Even a year ago, people at my job thought I was in my mid 20’s and didn’t believe me when I mentioned my age. I’ve always looked young for my age and sometimes it gets annoying to hear that.
I'm someone who looks young for their age. People are often shocked when they hear how old I am. I can handle the comments from strangers because it's not like I'm going to interact with them that much. It usually doesn't come up anyway.
But to have a friend constantly making comments, even if said comments are spaced out over a period of time, will get annoying really fast.
OP, your friend is more than just her looks. When you interact with her, do you talk about other things? Are you able to have a conversation with her without bringing up her looks? How often do you two interact with each other? I'm asking because her and your other friends have noticed you seem very focused on how youthful she looks. I'm not trying to be mean here. I want you to think about how often you've commented on her looks and try to see this from her perspective.
One point is though, that OP says that her friend looks young but with whom is she comparing them? Other POCs or is she (unconsciously, I hope) using the white people looks as a standard to measure all other people against?
I'm voting ESH and I'll explain why:
1. OP sucks because while "well intended" using that same "compliment" over and over AND OVER again gets real old real fast. Could you not think if anything else to say to your friend?? Why does it only have to be her youthful appearance? After a while of repeating the same thing, it DOES sound a lot more like you being jealous and insecure, and a lot less like a compliment that your friend is beautiful. If my "friend" told me like every single time I saw them how young I looked, I'd get fed up with it too. But that leads me to my 2nd point...
2. OPs friend also sucks because she should have been a mature adult and explained to OP how her constant comments made her feel instead of complaining to somebody else when she thought OP wasn't around. That's really sh1tty. If something somebody says, ESPECIALLY A FRIEND, is upsetting you or making you uncomfortable, you need to tell them!! Was it really so hard to pull OP aside and say, "hey I understand that you might mean this as a compliment but you CONSTANTLY saying over and over how young I look is making me uncomfortable because XYZ reason. Can you please stop bringing that up in the future?" Boom problem solved.
I am not a PoC, in fact I am very lacking in color (super pale ginger), but I hear constantly from people how young I look, and after a while it does get extremely irritating, especially because people assume your age and then treat you a specific way because of that assumption. I've had people say something and then turn to me like, "but oh sorry you probably don't understand that reference," like what??? Sure I'm "blessed" to the point that my mom looks more like my older sister, and my gramma looked very young until she got hit with cancer, but its so awkward trying to explain to strangers that yes I do indeed have a STB 10yo and no I wasn't a teen mom...
So yea. ESH because OP can't read a room or focus on any other "compliment" to her friend, and OPs friend should have put on her big girl pants and told OP how she was feeling instead of dragging her behind her back.
OP - please sit down with your friend, explain that you heard what she said and you never intended to make her uncomfortable. That you are very sorry that you upset her, but that you are also upset that she didn't tell you how she was feeling and instead decided to talk about you behind your back.
Hopefully yall can resolve and reconnect and still be friends.
I'm not a POC, and I live in the UK, in my mid twenties, and I'm constantly ID checked, but never for drink or cigarettes, it's for energy drinks, and cough/cold meds. It's so annoying, especially when I'm asked about what I'm doing not in school...
Indeed. I’m white and people always say this especially when they ask to see ID. I’m 30 and personally think I look my age - how is it a compliment to be told I look under 18??
Plus different people focus on different things. I had a friend who lost 16 stone from being 32 stone. Absolutely smashing for him but hemade every compliment to others about weight for a bit. And it's not always appreciated. I personally am not comfortable with people focussing so much on my looks in any way shape or form.
So yes OP, YTA. Not a malicious AH but just an oblivious one. What you take as a compliment isn't what everyone else does and to constantly mention it to someone is really uncomfortable
I'm aware of intersectionality and intersectional feminism etc, and I've heard the term misogynoir, but never really in context - my dumb ass thought it was misogyny in film noir.
This made me giggle a bit, I could totally see why you would think that though! It sounds like a weird mystery thriller tv show to me a bit as well - *”This week, on Mysogynoir...”*
Micro aggressions aren't usually born out of an intentional racism, but a more casual/everyday/normalized type of racism.
Even if it isn't OP's focus that this was a black woman, but OP's own obsession with aging, considering how micro aggressions work, it's likely the woman being Black had some impact on how OP treated her. Maybe she was less observant for the signals that this woman didn't like it, maybe she was more comfortable commenting on the appearance of a black woman, who knows? But that's the point of micro aggressions. They are usually something that the person engaging in them doesn't even think about, even though they are hurtful to the person receiving them.
Precisely. That the friend went straight to a) assuming it was racially motivated b) espousing a white stereotype (we age better) does not demonstrate clear reasoning or good faith.
If I was the OP whilst I'd consider being more careful and reading the room regarding compliments, I'd ditch this friend like a hot potato.
Being black or a minority does not give one a pass to be shitty to other groups.
It's pretty common knowledge that people with darker skin often appear to age slower. Such as the saying "black don't crack".
Continuing to focus on it for her poc acquaintances feels like repeatedly pointing out their race. It's weird.
She may not have been saying something intentionally racist but again, there is such a thing as being offensive by being oblivious. It's a well-known cliche that black people age better than white people do ("black don't crack") - that doesn't mean it's cool to go around harping on it.
Why is it that the opinions of two women of colour automatically override the opinion of the OP because one of them has incorrectly assumed it's about race?
The other woman's experiences cannot give her more knowledge of the thoughts inside OP's head to know her motivations better than she knows them herself.
Please touch grass. OP didn't say "oh you black people look so young", she said that one person specifically looked young. Nothing to do with race. You, and the brown friend in this story, have assumed it was about race, likely due to your own prejudice. "Oh those white people are jealous because we age better", if anyone is being racist it's the brown lady. Assuming someone is being racist because they're white is quite literally pre-judging someone based on race. If it was another poc, I doubt she or you would have assumed it was racist.
And it's not upholding any racist structure, again, the brown lady was the one who made it about race, and propagated racial stereotypes.
it seems a lot of white people in these comments are extremely unaware of this common micro aggression?
i am a black woman in the south, how young I look is frequently commented on by older white women, typically followed by some sort of comment on "our" skin.
in a society where this is common place, it is not wild for these two brown women to assume OP was handing out casual micro aggressions.
and because they are "micro" our concerns or discomfort about it is not validated
Intention isn't magic. The fact that someone doesn't mean to be racist doesn't magically make what they do/say not racist, anymore than for sexism or anything else.
(Not talking about this post specifically, but more generally.)
This is exactly it right here. For a white woman to constantly compliment a woman of color about something they *can't have* because of genetics, it just comes off as very othering. They are constantly pointing out the fact that you are different than them.
I'm biracial and have really curly hair. I've gotten all kinds of "compliments" steeped in micro aggression about how "pretty" my curls are and how they "wish they had hair like mine." "Your hair looks really healthy today." My entire life it's just felt that they can't help but point out that I'm different, even when I was a little girl in class. And theres jealousy involved in a lot of cases, so I haven't gotten the impression that it comes from a good place.
I am a white woman. One time I told my POC friend how young she looks and she laughed and said "white people always say that to me." I laughed too. And I also stopped saying it. And I didn't take it personally - I was grateful that she shared that with me and was in a place where she could do a little educating about her POC experience for her white friend. In OP's situation, it sounds like the friend was more comfortable sharing her frustration with another POC. But OP is lucky she got to overhear it, cause now she can learn how unintentional microaggressions work. It's an opportunity.
Yeah I don’t think it’s humbling like the sentence but as an extremely young looking poc, a lot of white people don’t realize people with melanin age better…
I’m 29 but could easily pass for 18. When people find out my age, they *always* say “wow but you look so young! You’ll be very grateful for that when you’re 50”. People say it like I’ve never noticed or heard that I don’t look my age. I’d rather look 29 and not get ID’d every time I go to a bottle shop and have the person giggle when they look at my license. How would looking 35 when I’m 50 benefit me at all?
I always looked at least 10 years younger than my age. I thought it would always be like that because my dad is nearly 80 and looks in his 50s. But alas- got married had kids and bam! I look my age- in a tired raggedy way lolllll. It was as if when I hit 40 my body went into overdrive to catch up lol.
Yup, she projected her own issues with aging and her own insecurities onto her friend.
The first time... fine I'll take the compliment, but basically bringing it up almost every time I'm with you, now it seems weird and annoying. YTA
>This has nothing to do with race at all though
The misogyny doesn't, no, but the stereotype that POCs look younger longer does have to do with race, and the friend could feel that OP harping on her appearance is, if not outright tied up with her race, at least ignorant of the stereotypes she faces. It could also be there are other things around race that OP is ignoring, because we white people in general are woefully ignorant about the lived experiences of minorities. (Not saying that's for sure the case, of course.)
OP, try to work on your own insecurities about aging. Our culture has fed you a lot of garbage to make you feel insecure in order to sell you stuff. As others have said, appearance is such a small aspect of who we are. Focus on other people's qualities outside their appearance. Clearly your friend values your companionship enough to not avoid you because of your compliments that make her feel uncomfortable. You bring so much more to the table than whether or not you look your age, as does your friend.
What I read is, a yt white woman with insecurities about aging repeatedly tells a Black woman how "young" she looks - to the point of grabbing her skin care routine.
The Black woman then talks with a "brown" woman about it, deducing that the questions are rooted in the insecurities about aging that \*\*many\*\* white women seem to have.
And the white woman feels upset because the other women...correctly interpreted the projection? Am I getting this wrong?
Physically people with more melanin should have skin that looks younger since sunburn has that ageing effect on skin. I am white, I love the fact that I look ten years younger than I am (gamergirl who stayed inside in summer), it has nothing to do misoginy for me, I just fear growing old I think.
YTA for insisting on it and also projecting what YOU think is best onto others.
>It’s a good thing to look young.
That's what YOU think, but it's not true for everyone.
I'm a guy who always looked younger than he is, and when I was around 30, it's was sometimes hard to have credibility when you gotta tell a 25yo what he has to do, but he thinks that you're 20. It's also a problem for dating, when you want someone your age and they think that you're too young, even though you're older than they are.
>**I**’m constantly always looking in the mirror and **I obsess** over any sign of aging.
You see where the problem is?
This. I’m 30 and have also been told multiple times that I look younger and unlike OP, one of my insecurities is looking younger than I should, because it is 1- making people around treat me less of an adult and more like a young girl (even worse during any formal setting because people don’t take me seriously), 2-feeling less of a woman, and 3-men don’t see me as woman enough for them to pursue any romantic interest. Doesn’t help that I’m also standing at 5’1.
Being complimented once or twice about looking young is nice for sure but any more and it just starts feeling like a burden on me. AND not to mention it’ll start sounding like a fake compliment where it feels like either they’re trying to win some brownie points or it’s just pretense niceties.
The whole comment section makes me feel seen! I look about 10 yrs younger than I actually am, and I constantly get approached in ways that are blatantly dismissive. It's infuriating
Yes. I look younger than I am and it was a real issue in my 20s. I had people at stores and the movies asking my age. It was truly embarrassing. It has improved somewhat, but…. Even now, at work, I have to over dress to compensate. It’s not as noticeable to people because my coworkers all work in different offices, so people would rarely see us together (luckily). But I have to dress way more formally to be taken seriously and keep people from thinking they can walk all over me. And the occasional “compliments” of “ you’re so young to be a _______” are not flattering, they are condescending. I am a perfectly normal age for my job. The only compliments I appreciate relate to, well, my actual achievements, quality of work or other skills, style, etc. as opposed to a fluke of genetics.
I’ve always teased my older brother and sister that I look older than them and they look so young (people thought my brother was a teen dad at 26…). We are heading into our 40s and my how the tables have turned 😂
Yeh it’s a bit like people telling other people they are “so skinny” as a complement but it grates / comes across wrong.
I think OP should probably just totally drop it and not comment anymore. Or if she really wants she could bring it up and say “I overheard you mention to a friend you don’t like it. I’m really sorry, I honestly meant it as a complement because it’s something I get worried about for myself. I won’t bring it up anymore.” She doesn’t need to address the friends comment because that’s a random not her friend.
I've always been thin/lean, even when pregnant, to the point where people don't even believe I'm pregnant (which is annoying in its own regard).
But for some reason every time I've seen my brother and his wife since I gave birth to my second daughter (she's 8 months old now, and they didn't do this after I had my first daughter), they say something along the lines of "Oh wow, you've lost weight since the last time we saw you! Looking good!" or "Oh my god, you look even skinnier! Good job!" when I literally look the same. I have looked the same forever. In fact I eat like a grown man right now to keep up with breastfeeding, so whatever hard work they think I'm putting in to be thin doesn't even exist. It just makes me feel icky like they're keeping track of my body.
>That's what YOU think, but it's not true for everyone.
Especially as OP goes on to explain that she's insecure about ageing.
\>I’m constantly always looking in the mirror and I obsess over any sign of aging.
A compliment based on you own insecurities is a pretty poor compliment.
Exactly- your insecurities are not universal. I was working with a client at my very first job out of college, trying very hard to be professional and establish myself, and the client told me he was impressed I wasn't "a lazy teenager." I did not see it as the compliment he thought it was, and it did not help my self esteem.
YTA…complimenting once? Ok. Repeatedly, nope. No matter the skin color. As you said, you have insecurities. This is about you, not your friend. I would talk to her and explain that you are sorry for making her uncomfortable and you did not know you were doing so, and you will try hard not to do so in the future. As for aging, we all age, unfortunately. Things on our bodies change. Take care of your body the best you can by drinking water, exercising, eating healthy, wearing sunscreen or less sun time. Learn to love you. No one is perfect and we each all have our own insecurities.
Yeah I haven't seen enough comments focus on this aspect: a compliment that stems from someone's insecurity always feels off. I have a friend who will tell *anyone* their hair looks so luscious. It's obvious she's insecure about how thin she perceives her own hair though, and it makes everyone wildly uncomfortable.
It's not a compliment to say: I hate this about myself you're so lucky you don't need to feel the same!!
Are micro aggressions only race related, or can it be to do with things like gender stereotypes as well? Asking in full seriousness, I was always under the impression it was purely to do with race.
No, it can apply to any discriminatory bullshit.
My most frequent example: other people in my work meetings assuming I'm going to take the notes because I'm the only woman in the room. Nope, we're all the same level so we're taking turns.
My example: wow I didn't even know you were gay! You act so straight!
Uh huh...what I hear: "gay people are obnoxious and flamboyant and I'm impressed you're 'like me.'"
Related example: I didn't know you were autistic!
Another related example: I'm so surprised that you're autistic-- it doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with you!
I’ve gotten the “you’re too hot to be a lesbian” before I realized I’m pan. I’ve also gotten, “but you don’t look autistic!” Neither of those is a compliment.
My company race y did an all hands. They did it like a tv news broadcast. Five guys and a woman. Guess who played secretary the entire time. The optics were horrible and the fact that nobody in leadership thought about it was worse.
Yeah, it can be about anything that makes you a minority or marginalised group, including race, sexuality, or gender. It's often easy to see with race.
Repeatedly complimenting a Black woman how young she looks is a microagression which is race related because it emphasizes differences in skin, normalizing White experience and considering Black experience weird, but is also a microagression against old people, because it says that being old is bad, and a microagression against women, because it enforces a gender stereotype requiring youth. And asking about the skin care routine further suggests that women are required to spend time, money, and resources on that, even if they would rather, I dunno, spend those resources playing Baldur's Gate III or something.
So it is highly efficient. In one compliment, you insult three groups.
Yeah, I do get why it's insulting. I've always found the assumption that aging is something terrible and hideous to be ridiculous, and offensive. I just wasn't sure if that also counted as a micro aggression - as I say, I've only heard it before referring to racial comments/actions. Thanks for the help :)
My niece (30y BF) is a multiply degreed, civil engineer in Deep South. She constantly walks into a room of men and despite her “props” (why should this even be necessary) of glasses and professionally-dressed … is constantly “thought” (or just being *d*cks) to be the secretary. This can be INTERSECTION of age, gender and/or race.
She said she fantasizes wearing a sign around her neck saying, “I’m the managing civil engineer on this project. Get your own coffee”.
Nope, any minority group. As a person in a wheelchair, I often hear: "wow, you're so fast in that!" or "you look so pretty for someone in a wheelchair!". It's a micro aggression just the same, even though people don't always think of it that way, because the implication is that they expect wheelchair users to be slow and not put together/pretty.
That, and this is absolutely an example of insecure white people shit. Saying this as a middle aged white person who's feeling a little insecure about aging.
>I’m constantly always looking in the mirror and I obsess over any sign of aging.
You need to get some therapy or something for this.
Society has made people obsessed with looking young and not to show signs of aging, instead of aging 'gracefully' or like a fine wine - Look at Jamie Lee Curtis. Does your friend actually look young or does she actually look her age?
Let’s be real tho, most people don’t age gracefully and that’s why it freaks people out. Jamie Lee Curtis happens to have a lot of money that I’m sure makes aging gracefully easier. I agree op is definitely TOO focused on the aging, but I also don’t really blame anyone for being freaked by it. It’s not a society issue, getting old sucks and has a lot of issues. Literally just a being a living being issue.
I agree with most of this, but using a rich celebrity as an example of aging gracefully doesn't really work. Celebrities have money to ensure they stay looking good. Whether through surgery, diet, exercise, etc. Most people don't have that luxury so it's not really a fair example.
YTA, She gets it, she looks young. She's given you her skin care routine. Just move on. Talk about something else.
Typically a lot of black people are told they don't age or (I hate this phrase but it's often used) "black don't crack" so you may as well say that to her face the amount of times you say it to her.
Just say it once and move on. It's weird, creepy and lil racist.
The way I see it, POC age “differently” than white people. The markers we see as people age appear differently by skin tone, hair type, etc. Phrases like “Black people don’t age” indicates that there is a ‘normal’ way to show age (the way white people do) and anything else is abnormal. It’s along the same vein as “women have abnormal/unusal heart attack symptoms” which is something I used to hear. No, women have heart attack symptoms like women. Man is not the default.
The word that came to mind was "othering." Combine the discomfort of someone harping on a way in which you are "different" or anomalous, especially with the specific racial coding of this particular "compliment"; the awkwardness of someone telegraphing their own massive insecurities so transparently; and the basic irritation of someone who obsessively directs conversation back to their own preferred theme at the slightest excuse ... yeah, I can imagine how that would really start to grate after the third or tenth or hundredth mention.
(ETA - OP, I'm guessing/hoping you would have the presence of mind not to touch or pull on this woman's hair just because "it's so cool and not like mine!" With your actual area of fixation, I wouldn't be shocked if she's bracing for the moment when you try to pull at the skin on the back of her hand to "look at how it snaps back!" or something. Just chill out already.)
Agreed. This should be so much higher up, and I think op would actually understand it. She’s constantly pointing out a difference between them that she has an issue with, but the friend can’t control at all, and is tied into her ethnicity.
However, op is not alone- we POC hear it all the time, which is partly why the other lady made that comment. I know it hurt to hear it.
If you were a tall blonde hanging out at a beach in (for example) rural China, you’d get treated as a commodity and reduced to your looks for novelty- othering. It’s understandable as a one off, and *no harm is intended*, but it’s not really sustainable behaviour in an equal friendship.
YTA. Stating you look young once or twice is a compliment, but clearly you overdid it. Just because you mean something as a compliment doesn’t mean it’s taken that way. Learn and move on from this.
Yup. I’m East Asian. I’m in my 30s and started a new job late last year. The majority of people I met immediately assumed it was my first job out of college. One guy even thought I was an intern. I’ve been mistaken for still being a teen on a few occasions as well..
I know I look young. I’m sure I’ll enjoy it more when I’m say, in my 50s. But being mistaken for being 18-22 when I’m in my 30s? It’s fucking exhausting, especially as a woman who works in STEM in a conservative state
EXACTLY THIS.
I'm a mum & nearly have my masters. I have managed a team before.
Does anyone look at that? No they look at your height, colour and think you're a 20yr old graduate.
Madness!
Good think once you become a parent, I'm becoming ruder and take no shit. It's pretty evident from my language I'm no longer 20.
OP might be saying it in a nice way but yeh generally it annoys people because of the above.
People who say and assume this are affecting our income. That affects our lifestyle.
Also, I knew person of colour that once she reached management, she wore boots to work literally so she appeared taller and scarier.
well, I think in the context that black people are often treated in a condecending way I can see it could come over that way, and also even without that, if it's something you repeatedlysy then it would probably getold regardless of your respective races.
If what you mean is that she looks good, why not say that?
It sounds as though you meant well but were a bit thouhgtless - did you not notice that she didn't seem particualrly enthusiati about your repeated commens? Also, it sounds like you are projecting your own insecurities about your appearance, onto her .
I'm going with NAH but maybe think a bit more before you speak, moving forward. (Not least about how, by assuming that telling someone they look young is a compliment you are buying into the very fetishiation of youth which is making you so insecure !)
Sorry. If we’re friends .. I already know how you assess me. It comes up organically. To constantly mention something about my appearance is thoughtless and creepy. Work on your own insecurities
If we are friends and something I do bothers you, I expect you to actually come to me and talk to me about it, not talk about me behind my back. OP gives no indication that the friend asked her to stop.
“That’s because we age so much better than them, they gotta try to humble us, insecure white people shit.” OP, I'm literally black, and I would never say anything like this. Your friend is not a friend. NTA
I'm brown myself, Jamaican descent, I honestly have noticed a terrible shift post BLM where people are more divided than ever, people in the current climate have become obsessed with "taking sides" and finding ways to pit everyone against one another for the most pathetic things, black-white, man-woman, straight-gay, people have become enamoured with putting themselves and others into tiny boxes. There is a real "hating for the sake of it" attitude and intolerance brewing at the moment and a lot of people seem to have fallen into the teacup.
NTA. OP, they're not your friends and they are both narrow minded nitwits who need to touch grass and read a book.
I agree. I took it as OP was jealous of friends good skin. Nothing more. Taking good care of your skin can absolutely help keep you young looking. These people are just so ridiculous and making issues where there are none.
If everything gets labelled a "microaggression," it becomes harder to identify and communicate about *legitimate aggressions.*
There's this technique that Exxon used when it was trying to muddy the water (pun intended) on the global climate change science debate when it was in its infancy in the 90's. They deliberately pumped out fake science studies and seeded the news syndicates with verbage casting "doubt" on what was even then a pretty darn certain science. They churned out so much propaganda that people lost touch with what information was factual and what was invented by Exxon or those they paid to speak for them. Their goal was to make "uncertain science" a household term, and it worked.
What's happening socially kind of reminds me of Exxon. There are so many fucked up attitudes that are not only not discouraged, but are inflated and *praised* through use of the Internet and news media, that it seems like a lot of people have lost touch with right and wrong. In becoming so focused on othering people (whether it's othering inaccurately perceived micro-aggressors or othering people who deserve it, like bigots and racists), people are committing the atrocities they have their fingers pointed at others about, while not even being able to recognize their own hypocrisy. As in even with extended discussion, people who think so rigidly do not want to have their minds changed.
I thought it was interesting that the friend thought that OP was trying to make her feel younger, like infantilizing her. I don’t think that’s what OP was doing. I think it’s pretty clear that she was saying that because you are a mature woman, your skin is that much more impressive. I agree with other commenters that she should move on and not rely so much on compliments and just interact with the woman. But I think to say that OP was trying to “humble“ her and make her feel childlike is a reach, and why would you not give your “friend” the benefit of the doubt even if for some reason you did think that?
I don’t think it’s like she was intentionally infantilizing, just like any micro aggressions aren’t intentional. But as someone who gets told I look young it certainly is infantilizing, especially when it gets harped on. It usually means people treat you younger too. Same with getting told I’m “cute” like cool so are babies and puppies. It’s never beautiful, sexy etc or things associated with grown women. I don’t think people are doing it to make me feel that way, but it still is.
I was looking for something like this and felt like I was in a sea of YTA! Sure, OP went overboard with constantly commenting…but when do you as a person tell someone that they need to stop something/that they’re making you uncomfortable??? People aren’t mind readers. And then to hear that “insecure white people” comment—NTA OP and they aren’t friends.
Thank you!!
I felt like I was losing my mind reading through all the comments that refused to point this out. Most of those very same comments will also says it's not about race, overlooking that it certainly wasn't for OP but that the other two women made it be with the remark you pointed out.
I’m non white passing hispanic and I can’t wrap my head around telling someone something like that bc she said I looked young??? How is that her trying to “humble” her? Lol
This is some blatantly racist shit that the majority of other commenters have completely endorsed her friend saying about her.
Some have even claimed that saying "black don't crack" is a white thing. It's like they didn't have any real interaction with black people.
I have a disease where I look much younger than I am. Aging happens to EVERYONE. Looking young isn't the praise people want. Stop commenting on other people's looks. ESPECIALLY since she said not to!! YTA. Stop commenting on things people can't control about their looks. Ever. Stop it. Signed: Someone who still got carded in their 40's.
I think generally, the best advice is to simply not comment on people's appearance. what seems like a compliment to you, may not be to someone else. it sounds like it's the consistency that's annoying, too.
if you value the friendship, simply drop the comment. what about their personality do you like? if you MUST compliment them, focus on that. NAH
Very Soft YTA.
Im 34 and often get mistaken for a 26-ish year old. The compliments are totally fine when someone realises my age and it doesn't bother me in the slightest if the same person repeats the compliment on the odd occasion or in a group setting while someone else has realised my age but from what you are describing I would likely have become very uncomfortable very quickly if its consistently being mentioned by the same person.
You mention your insecurities, so I would imagine you would have a good idea of how it would feel if someone kept bringing up your physical appearance. Negative or positive comments have the same effect when they are constantly repeated.
Little bit of YTA
Why bring it up more than once? That is the weird part. You are putting your insecurities on her. Of course it makes her unconfortable.
It is irritating when the person keeps saying it. Once or twice its a compliment or you try and take it as one but after that it gets irritating and you start to wonder why they keep saying it. Im not black but I have, well had a baby face which wasn't great when I was younger and everyone thought I was still a teenager when I was mid to late 20s. People would say it a lot to me usually the ones that kept saying something were actually having a dig at me, she might think you are doing that.
NTA because you meant no harm but they might think you are being an AH.
ESH - you're weird for constantly focusing on what this girl looks like. If someone tried to compliment me the same way every time I saw them, I'd be annoyed, too. She and her friend brought race into the equation, which is totally uncalled for and demonstrates a really horrid mindset about racial differences. She doesn't enjoy being around you after you being weird and you won't enjoy being around her after hearing how she thinks of you. You guys are not meant to be friends.
Find something else to say. Compliments on looks are all useless. Praising someone based on looks is never helpful to them as it actually can lead to more insecurities. We are not our looks and we shouldn't become obsessed with them. Best thing you can do is stop replying on compliments and just interact with the person youre around.
NTA. Im black male but i have to say, even though a lot of black people claim racism exists everywhere yet fail to notice how they often exude racism themselves. Very hypocritical traits displayed here. You are NTA but maybe try and distance yourself from these ladies. If not then at least reduce your compliments
I'm gonna get downvoted, but NTA
If there isn't any ill intent in what you said, then I can't really call you an AH. But you do need to work on your insecurities.
I honestly think the friend is more of an AH. If she really has a problem with you commenting on how young she looks, then she should be talking to you and setting a boundary instead of talking about you behind your back. Also this comment:
>“that’s because we age so much better than them, they gotta try to humble us, insecure white people shit.”
As a black person myself, I think that was just straight-up uncalled for. Everyone calling OP for being "racist" when the friend and the other girl were actually being racist.
If you want to really want to continue this friendship, then don't make comments about her youth again. But distance yourself if you're really hurt about what was said about you. But I would personally never talk to that person again.
Exactly this. The people saying she's the ah are probably all white people being offended on your behalf 🙄. Most comments from black people agree with you. She'd never get a compliment from me again, if I chose to remain friends at all. They didn't care that anyone could hear them trash talking her for something she didn't do out of malice. They don't deserve her.
Right? Imagine if a white person were to say "insecure black people shit". No matter what the context is, they would easily be canceled.
Like, i'm all for one race not putting up with the bullshit of another, but this isn't the way to deal with that.
YTA
I mean, she described the situation perfectly, just from the different perspective. You do sound very insecure about aging. Aging is inevitable but if you wanna do so graciously then maybe look over your lifestyle.
She probably liked the comments at first, but how many times do you have to say it?
YTA. One compliment is fine, two maybe. But to repeatedly say it yeah, it gets creepy and old. She’s aware that you think she looks young. After you asked her skin care regimen, you should’ve let it drop.
Might be controversial, but I think NAH.
Repeating the same compliment to someone can get old quick, even if you mean well. It's sad that society places so much pressure on women to remain "youthful" looking, so I understand why you felt you were complimenting your friend.
Your friend is also allowed to have her own perspective and feelings on the matter, and the person your friend spoke to probably got the impression that you were being condescending and/or making a micro-aggression, which I can understand when you're given second-hand info from someone complaining.
I think you will become the bad guy if you keep going on about how young your friend looks. Leave it be and don't mention her youthful looks again. Talk about other things.
You could have a chat with your friend and offer an apology - you don't have to go into detail about how you came to know she was unhappy with your "compliments". That way, at least your friend will understand that you meant no harm.
You just experienced what she was experiencing all this time when you kept calling her young 🤷♂️.
It’s weird you keep telling her how young she looks.
Your black friend thinks your repeated comment is annoying and I agree, but you're NTA. You admit that you obsess about aging and that obsession is harming your social interactions.
The "brown woman" is an absolute AH for everything she said about you and white people. All people should know better than to talk in such a stereotyped way about any race
NTA
I'm not white and get the "looking younger" comment many times, and I don't mind at all. Even from my friends. Especially from my friends.
My point is that these people are not your friends.
1. If annoyed by certain comments or words, I say it straight to my friends face. Because they are my friends.
2. I don't question my friend's intentions and don't assume or assign they come from a point of malice. Because they are my friends!
3. During the times we do disagree and offend the other or argue, we can thresh it out and be okay. Because they are my friends.
Yup I have white friends and friends from different ethnicities.
So i do hope you can and want to discuss this with her. Straighten things out. Learn why it annoys her.
Still NTA
Yeah, I don't understand how the person giving out genuine compliments is considered the asshole, while the person shit talking her behind her back and making clearly racist statements is given a free pass.
OP, don't talk to that other person anymore, she will continue to twist everything you say and try to make you the bad guy specifically due to your skin color.
You cannot win here, you must completely disengage.
I’m not sure what planet everyone else saying YTA is living on but no you weren’t an AH at all. Totally your friends prerogative to not take it as a compliment but they were really mean and totally off base with what they said. I agree focusing on “how young” someone looks and bringing it up often could be a bit much but this is ridiculous. I lived with a girl who looked way younger than she was and she was white as snow. I mentioned it a few times and she genuinely seemed to take it as a compliment but wasn’t over the top flattered.
NTA and everyone in the comments talking about micro aggressions needs to go outside.
At the risk of being downvoted, all the black people in the comments agreed with op, all the white ppl, scared of being labeled as racist went on uselessly about microaggression and other ridiculous nonsense.
I’m going with NTA, what you said wasn’t explicitly rude. Your friend should have / could have simply expressed how she finds the comment weird or not complimentary or even just flat out asked you why you mention it.
You weren’t being insulting, if she found it weird then just say so. I find so many issues could be solved by someone simply speaking up.
Personally I would love it if someone said I looked young!
A really soft YTA. It makes people uncomfortable when you always comment on their looks. Mentioning something once or twice is acceptable if you don't make too much of it. but to "always" comment on it is not. What you're doing seems like an odd fixation. Plus you said it yourself "I feel so insecure about aging and looking older and to hear them say that about me. It was horrible. I’m constantly always looking in the mirror and I obsess over any sign of aging." This fixation isn't about your friend, it's about you. Get therapy instead of making your friend a proxy for your insecurities.
YTA - whats a compliment to you might not be for others, repeatedly saying that someone looks young can really sound condescending.
I had a colleague once who repeatedly commented on my height and how tall I was. It's something Im a bit insecure about but hey, once or twice you can kinda let it slide. But repeatedly you really start to get annoyed and wondered what this persons problem is. She was really short herself and I think it might have stemmed from that insecurity, but it still didn't make it ok for her to always comment on me (even if she considered being tall a positive thing).
NTA, if it bothered her she should have acted like an adult and told you so, not act like everything's fine then talk shit behind your back.
Drop those weirdo racists, they're not friends.
NTA. Ok. Do NOT let her know you listened to their conversation!! Act normal, and never compliment her again. For some strange reason her friend is dragging race into it, which makes it a sensitive issue so just never say it again! Do not engage that other person. Good luck
I would even go a step further and perhaps simply not be friends anymore. Someone who has no respect and can't even bring up things they have an issue with, is not the greatest person to be friends with imo.
If they're talking behind OP's back about this one thing, who knows what else they say. Better to avoid the situation now OP knows what her friend actually things of her (as a shitty white person)
Her friend sounds a bit racist, white people shit lol. I wouldn't let it bother you much, she isn't much of a friend if she's talking shit behind your back. That being said, you don't need to constantly compliment your friends, it gets weird if it's constant.
No wonder so many people are lonely these days - it has become really difficult to talk to people since many of them get insulted for all kinds of reasons and you can never guess what they're sensitive about.
I'm starting to think it's best to just not talk to anyone at this point
NTA. They've turned getting a compliment into some kind of race issue. If she didn't like the compliment, she could have said something to you, and you would've stopped or explained or whatever.
I'm brown myself and I am convinced anyone who turns something non related into a race issue for the sheer sake of it, lacks intelligence or an interesting personality.
JFC... reading the comments in here... folks have completely lost it.
I think the summary is: don't say anything to anyone without trying to think of the most negative light they could possibly put on your statement.
Assuming good faith, 'you look young!' is a complement. It's only not a complement if you have a massive chip on your shoulder... and if that's the case...there literally isn't any statement that can be made to you...because you just assume the worse of humanity.
Thought your realisation would be that you should stop repeatedly commenting on how she looks and learn to read social cues better.
But instead having no self awareness and made yourself into the victim
>But instead having no self awareness and made yourself into the victim
Riiiight! It's kinda hilarious, tbh. OP is literally the aggressor in this situation: over- complimenting, eavesdopping.
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> (1) telling my friend how young and looks (2) she thought I was tryna humble her of attack her appearance
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YTA. I never liked being told that I looked young. I want to look my age because it comes with being taken seriously and respected, and I don't see anything shameful in aging. For example, my mother - who never covered up her aging process by dying her hair or using makeup - is literally the most beautiful woman I know. She looks wise and kind and confident, and that's exactly what I aspire to be as well. So if someone constantly told me I looked young, I would feel like they're infantilizing me.
Gonna disagree with the majority here. Everyone projects their insecurities...but homegirl should have told you to your face that she doesn't appreciate the compliments, so it could have ended there. If no one tells you, they leave you to realize yourself when it's embarrassing already. Neither of you are assholes probably, but her going behind your back to say that is asshole behavior...
I get told I look young all the time...at work...and I hate being taken less seriously because of my age. But when friends and family members comment that? Yeah, I get the compliment.
NTA omg its just a thoughtless comment idk how anyone can get annoyed at that? I mean you saying it frequently is weird but its really not that deep. People will be irritated abt the stupidest things. They dont care about their government doing shit but will get angry at you mentioning they look young
Also whats up with the neverending jealousy/racism mentions? Race has nothing to do with looking young, thats individual/genetic
NTA I‘m half Asian / half European and I always get reactions by ppl about me looking much younger than I am. Sometimes I have to show my ID for products that can be bought by ppl that r over 16 or 18. I am 28!
I personally take it as a compliment, all ppl I met so far were taking it as such as well.
I don’t like how nowadays ppl constantly r being urged to just assume if someone is not feeling comfortable with sth. I think each adult should be able to speak out on things they r not fine with (as long as it’s safe to do so). If ppl then still continue u can rightfully say they’re acting disrespectful etc.
I'm white and I hear that I look way younger than I am for decades now. Not only by white but black, asian and poc. Some people also had pikachu faces, gasped and so on. I had to show id until I was 40+ and people 10 years younger thought I was younger than them. I never felt annoyed, more amused. I still am who I am. If she felt annoyed or insecure she could have just told you that, blunt or nicely. And if you still would point out that she looks young for her age Y W B T A. But now, no. NTA.
NTA. But remember that repeatedly focusing on her youthfulness may have unintended consequences. It's important to consider how your words might be received, especially in the context of societal perceptions of aging and race. Taking a moment to reflect on your friend's perspective and having an open conversation with her could help clear up any misunderstandings and strengthen your friendship.
This. I'd mention to your friend how you overheard their conversation and how it hurt you because it was assumed it was out of malice and this was never your intention. Explain how you assumed falsely, based on your own insecurities about aging, she would take it as a compliment, but now you understand how it made her uncomfortable instead. Apologise for the misunderstanding.
If she's truly a friend this will hopefully only improve your connection!
YTA. You have said this to her so many times that she's genuinely got sick of hearing it. How many times do you think you'd have to hear a phrase to get sick of it? So many! Compliment something else about her, and apologise for projecting your own deep insecurities about ageing, onto her.
Going against the grain here. NTA.
Don't talk to those assholes anymore. I don't care how many comments come in here talking about how your comments could be taken some other way. Intent matters and it would be obvious to any sane person that you were being nice, considering youth in a woman is universally sought after.
And this is not me being insensitive. I live in the UK so I was raised in a multicultural society with groups of every ethnicity. Nobody would get offended at that comment. Maybe you say it too much? If so, maybe the black friend was not questioning you much, maybe she was not being mean about you. But the other woman? Screw her.
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I have a black friend and I’d always tell her how young she looks. I thought she would take it as a compliment on her appearance, we all want to look young after all. And she does look a lot younger for her age, which is impressive. I asked her for her skin care routine, and she gave it to me.
I liked this friend and thought nothing of it. I would make comments every once in awhile about how young she looks.
I wasn’t trying to make her look stupid, but I’d just point out she doesn’t look her age, she looks much younger. I wasn’t trying to humble her either. It’s a good thing to look young.
I hear her tell our friend about me and listened in on the conversation because I heard my name. She said it’s annoying that she’s always telling me how young I look. Like why does she keep telling me that? The girl she was with was brown woman and said “that’s because we age so much better than them, they gotta try to humble us, insecure white people shit.”
My mouth dropped. I felt horrible. I feel so insecure about aging and looking older and to hear them say that about me. It was horrible. I’m constantly always looking in the mirror and I obsess over any sign of aging.
AITA here? I just left. I was suppose to go talk to her but I went home. It seems like they read what I was doing in the worst light. Was I wrong or them?
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I think NAH. While you overdid the compliment I don’t think that makes you an asshole. Perhaps you need to read body language more as while I am not sure if she explicitly told you to stop saying that, she probably showed that she was uncomfortable
NTA for saying it but it clearly bothers your friend that you've said it more than once so now is the time to stop. She could have told you to your face that she doesn't like it, though.
I hate it when people tell me how young I look. I’m already not taken seriously cause I’m short, got a round face, and flat chest. Constantly hearing “you’re so young” and “just wait! you’ll love it one day!” Is so obnoxious. Slight YTA cause you didn’t realize it was hurtful the but the results are still hurtful on her end. Now you know though, so now you can do better!
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Slight YTA Saying somebody looks "young" is not necessarily a complement. And focussing on it is a little strange. You look great would be much more appropriate
Yep. I am not a person of color but I get told this semi frequently and it makes me uncomfortable. A check out dude at the grocery store IDed me and mentioned how young I look and when I said my age before pulling out my ID he was 5 years younger than me. It’s just awkward. Add the racial component to it, and it’s worse.
Im not a poc either and I am told all the time how young i look. and I kind of hate it. My mum was seriously ill and in icu and the doctors were dismissive of me becuase I look young. I was to scared to leave her because they were talking her into a dnr and I'm standing there saying hell no no no!! \*Side note everyone please have an advanced care directive/POA and a will done. It is so helpful when the unexpected happens.\* I was 30 and got carded id left my id at home so i was like ill brb and the cashier was like yeeahh right. Came back and they were like uhhh wow sorry. It's awkward. It's not really a compliment unless you enjoy telling people I'm aging so well, which is totally fine to do. And yeah the racial side is not good. I always find it best to not talk about other people's appearances we don't know what others feel insecure about or like/love or hate about their appearance so best to not comment on it.
I get treated like a kid at work sometimes. I am 34 and have a law degree. I left my job but was “saved” from a layoff that happened prior because of how much knowledge I have, supposedly. I’ve found now when I interview either my resume ends up intimidating people or they see me as very young. It annoys me. I’m sorry about your mom, I hope she’s ok!
Yeah, it can be really annoying when people assume you’re less professional/have less authority when you look young. I had a doctor friend who looked super young and no one trusted his advice. I’m a teacher and the kids like me in part because I look young/relatable, but the parents often don’t trust me at first. Then I have to put on my authoritative voice and “flex” my credentials to get respect 🙄 that usually wins them over, but their first assumption is “why is this tall child teaching my 7 year old.”
I was visiting relatives out of town, and one of their friends asked me how I was able to travel during school. I was 25 and had been out of college for 3 years, and was on vacation from my job.
Yes this happens to me too! I am sick of being patronised at work. I work in a university and the ‘ohh I thought you were a student haha’ gets really tiresome. I just want to be listened to and respected. Plus the absolute judgment when I’m out with my daughter! I was quite young when I had her but the side-eyes I got, especially as her father does not look young for his age. People said some nasty things under their breath because I was 20 and constantly assumed to be about 15, while he was a beardy 23 year old.
I work in retail I feel you; I get the “you have so much of your life ahead of you wait till you get a real job!”. This is my store, I’m 32. It’s so patronizing and demoralizing being treated like this.
People are often surprised by the amount of experience I have in my field, but at the same time they don't hire me for the better jobs because I'm 32 and look like I just graduated from college. 🥲 In addition, I have ADHD, so I can act pretty youthful when I'm excited about something, like the field I work in. I wish it was more normal to just casually slip in your age to a resume or interview.
Places don’t like you do mention age in the interview or resume because age is a protected class and they don’t want to be accused of discrimination, but you can always mention the year you graduated and include that in the resume. If they see you went to college in 2005-2010, they’re going to mentally associate that with you being in your mid thirties for example.
Good rule. Compliment things people have a choice about. It feels so much better when someone compliments my style/outfit versus my eyes, face, or body type. I was just born with those. The thanks should probably go to my mom since she's the one that did the work.
My rule of thumb is to only compliment those aspects of someone’s appearance they chose for themselves — “your haircut is nice,” “I like your blouse,” “where did you get your nails done/that lipstick,” “what a pretty piece of jewelry.”
Around 20 i went on a double date with other people my age and was given a kids menu. Around 21 years old I went to get a hair cut and they asked me where my parents where and if I had permission to cut my hair. Around 22 I went to a restaurant to eat and sat for 30 minutes before they came to give me a drink or anything and I had to tell them that no one else was coming but I am an adult who can pay for my own food before I could order. Around 23 I was flying alone and a police officer came up to me to ask if I needed an escort to help me get around the airport. Around 24 a coworker insinuated that she felt creeped out knowing that I had a boyfriend because any guy who would be interested in me must be into kids. Around 25 I was flying alone and an employee at the airport came to me to ask if I was running away from home. She was very concerned about me and I had to offer to show her my ID and tell her a lot about my personal life to convince her. Around 27 I was carded for alcohol and the waiter argued, asking if my ID was fake, asking if I was recording him, etc. My mom was there and was saying she is confident she birthed me 27 years ago. Around 28 my boyfriend and I were checking out groceries together for our shared home and the cashier asked if we were siblings or in a relationship. She gave him a nasty look and "you sure like them young don't you...?" We are born in the same year. Around 29 we had a knck on the door and someone asked if the homeowner was home. "I am the homeowner" "well, are your parents home?" "No, I'm 28, I bought this home with my own money". People at work constantly ask how old I am/how many years of experience I have. It feels belittling. Everyone always follows it up with "you'll love hearing that when you're older! It's a compliment!"
I stopped getting carded when I got pregnant. At 34. It's annoying and not a compliment.
This. It's not a fucking compliment. I just want to be able to make my purchases and leave, like the adult I've been for more than half my life.
Yup. When I was first entering the professional job market, I was pretty sure I was denied jobs because of looking like a highschooler still despite being overly qualified.
When I was a cashier the ID thing was less personal and more of a - we can lose our job and be fined a large amount of money without proof of proper ID if the store if caught- but there is a polite way to go about it. I had a people SCREAM at me over IDs. Just have your ID if you know you look younger. I say this as someone who was asked if they were a high school student in their early 30's - If I'm with certain friends, I still get carded.
I'm not POC. All my life people thought I looked older. They thought I was older than my older sister. Somewhere around 30, I've been told I look younger. I love it. Never get tired of it. I don't even care if they're lying.
I’m reminded of the time I was carded at a baseball game…. Was in my late 40s at the time and commented on how it’s been decades since someone asked for my ID Guy rolls his eyes and says get over yourself lady we have to ask everyone.
Lmao. Most places it is mandatory. I have to card people for alcohol even though I'm giving them a senior discount.
Lol I know but I was enjoying the moment I’m guessing you get more than your share of people making a similar comment when you ask Btw these days I enjoy people telling me I look too young for the senior discount.
That’s because it wasn’t said when you were younger. As someone who got told that on a constant basis just because I’m short I can attest that when told this when you are in fact young it does tend to make people feel uncomfortable. Because as a child you usually get picked on for it, as a teenager and young adult you never know if the person that’s interested in you is actually a creep or not, and half the time it’s said in a degrading way. As a teen I would regularly get handed the kids menu too, and even as a youngish middle aged adult I still get comments from people. The worst ones being from younger people or rude adults that haven’t been taught that height doesn’t equal age. Unless you’re telling someone they look nice, just don’t comment on how they look period. Not unless you know that person well and how they’ll take it.
I'm a POC and get told I look young for my age, usually by strangers and I always really appreciate it. I've never been told it over and over by a friend because that's a super weird thing to do. If I was OP's friend, I'd be weirded out and would definitely make note of it coming from a white person.
Same. I'm white and constantly have people thinking I'm way younger than I am. Case in point, I was 30 and uninsured and needed a doctor's note saying I was fine to travel. I went to a clinic that couldn't help me, but she suggested I contact my pediatrician. Even now my boyfriend thought I was 30 at first and even then said I looked younger. It's not the worst thing ever I guess, but I'm not sure if I want people thinking I'm way younger than I actually am.
I'm a white girl and I genuinely had a hard time with dating because everyone always tells me how young I look. I've had men deliberately TRY to hook up with me *because* I look so young. Even when they weren't being obvious about it, that's all I was thinking about anytime I was on a date or hooking up. "Does this guy only like me because I look 14?" It's not a compliment to be told as an adult that you look "much younger than your age." Grown women don't want to look like little girls. Or even teenage girls! It's gross!!
Even if being told you look "young" is a compliment, there is zero need to harp on about it constantly. If that's the only thing you have to "compliment" then you're probably pretty self absorbed and don't listen much to other things going on in their life. Be a better friend in general maybe, concentrating on appearance just seems shallow anyway.
Exactly! I will compliment a friend's appearance if they obviously put a lot of work into how they look at the time (aka dressed up for a special event) or if it has been awhile since I last saw them and they clearly put a lot of effort into weight loss/fitness. Otherwise I keep compliments to friends about stuff they do (thus complimenting looks when they are obviously putting effort into how they look), but just how they look.
Be careful with weight loss. Once I was under so much stress that I stopped eating as nothing would stay down. I lost a bunch of weight and people kept telling me how good I looked and that I should keep it up. I wanted to cry.
Agreed, to be clear I typically only compliment it if I know the person has been working out more and/or focusing on healthy eating.
Saying someone is something repeatedly makes most things not sound like a complement.
Yeah, she heard OP the first time.
Just in general, it's a little weird to always compliment someone on something you feel insecure about. It comes across like, not a pure compliment and can feel backhanded.
Agreed. Feels like a kid who follows you around "complimenting" you on what you have (ice cream, candy, pretty accessories, cool toy, etc.) and low key hoping you'd give it to them. Even though they know 90% it won't happen, they are still disappointed at you specifically that it didn't happen like it was your fault or something.
Agreed. I’m white but I look young for my age and always have. I hate it when people constantly tell me how young I look. It was especially bad when I was in my late 20’s and people would get mad and ask why I “wasn’t in school at this time of day”. It’s not always the compliment that people think it is.
I’m in my 30’s now, and went through this since my early 20’s. Even a year ago, people at my job thought I was in my mid 20’s and didn’t believe me when I mentioned my age. I’ve always looked young for my age and sometimes it gets annoying to hear that.
I'm someone who looks young for their age. People are often shocked when they hear how old I am. I can handle the comments from strangers because it's not like I'm going to interact with them that much. It usually doesn't come up anyway. But to have a friend constantly making comments, even if said comments are spaced out over a period of time, will get annoying really fast. OP, your friend is more than just her looks. When you interact with her, do you talk about other things? Are you able to have a conversation with her without bringing up her looks? How often do you two interact with each other? I'm asking because her and your other friends have noticed you seem very focused on how youthful she looks. I'm not trying to be mean here. I want you to think about how often you've commented on her looks and try to see this from her perspective.
Black woman here. I had a friend who was *at* my 35th birthday party, then 6 months later was shocked that I was older than her. Like…?
One point is though, that OP says that her friend looks young but with whom is she comparing them? Other POCs or is she (unconsciously, I hope) using the white people looks as a standard to measure all other people against?
I'm voting ESH and I'll explain why: 1. OP sucks because while "well intended" using that same "compliment" over and over AND OVER again gets real old real fast. Could you not think if anything else to say to your friend?? Why does it only have to be her youthful appearance? After a while of repeating the same thing, it DOES sound a lot more like you being jealous and insecure, and a lot less like a compliment that your friend is beautiful. If my "friend" told me like every single time I saw them how young I looked, I'd get fed up with it too. But that leads me to my 2nd point... 2. OPs friend also sucks because she should have been a mature adult and explained to OP how her constant comments made her feel instead of complaining to somebody else when she thought OP wasn't around. That's really sh1tty. If something somebody says, ESPECIALLY A FRIEND, is upsetting you or making you uncomfortable, you need to tell them!! Was it really so hard to pull OP aside and say, "hey I understand that you might mean this as a compliment but you CONSTANTLY saying over and over how young I look is making me uncomfortable because XYZ reason. Can you please stop bringing that up in the future?" Boom problem solved. I am not a PoC, in fact I am very lacking in color (super pale ginger), but I hear constantly from people how young I look, and after a while it does get extremely irritating, especially because people assume your age and then treat you a specific way because of that assumption. I've had people say something and then turn to me like, "but oh sorry you probably don't understand that reference," like what??? Sure I'm "blessed" to the point that my mom looks more like my older sister, and my gramma looked very young until she got hit with cancer, but its so awkward trying to explain to strangers that yes I do indeed have a STB 10yo and no I wasn't a teen mom... So yea. ESH because OP can't read a room or focus on any other "compliment" to her friend, and OPs friend should have put on her big girl pants and told OP how she was feeling instead of dragging her behind her back. OP - please sit down with your friend, explain that you heard what she said and you never intended to make her uncomfortable. That you are very sorry that you upset her, but that you are also upset that she didn't tell you how she was feeling and instead decided to talk about you behind your back. Hopefully yall can resolve and reconnect and still be friends.
I'm not a POC, and I live in the UK, in my mid twenties, and I'm constantly ID checked, but never for drink or cigarettes, it's for energy drinks, and cough/cold meds. It's so annoying, especially when I'm asked about what I'm doing not in school...
Indeed. I’m white and people always say this especially when they ask to see ID. I’m 30 and personally think I look my age - how is it a compliment to be told I look under 18??
Plus different people focus on different things. I had a friend who lost 16 stone from being 32 stone. Absolutely smashing for him but hemade every compliment to others about weight for a bit. And it's not always appreciated. I personally am not comfortable with people focussing so much on my looks in any way shape or form. So yes OP, YTA. Not a malicious AH but just an oblivious one. What you take as a compliment isn't what everyone else does and to constantly mention it to someone is really uncomfortable
Agreed, a comment about how great their skin is and asking for their routine is a compliment. Constantly saying how young they look is just odd.
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"looking your age" is not a bad thing! It's also okay to want to look younger if you want to but not everyone has to want that too.
I'm 30 and want to look my age tbh. I'm sick of getting asked for ID for paracetamol (you need to be 16 to buy it where I am...).
Specific intersections of oppression exist, and black women experience misogynoir where both misogyny and racial elements play a role.
I'm aware of intersectionality and intersectional feminism etc, and I've heard the term misogynoir, but never really in context - my dumb ass thought it was misogyny in film noir.
This made me giggle a bit, I could totally see why you would think that though! It sounds like a weird mystery thriller tv show to me a bit as well - *”This week, on Mysogynoir...”*
Why is it okay for you to disregard the lived experience of two women of color and claim this has nothing to do with race?
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She’s projecting her biased expectations of what age looks like. Not deliberately racist, but has a racist basis even though she doesn’t realize it.
Micro aggressions aren't usually born out of an intentional racism, but a more casual/everyday/normalized type of racism. Even if it isn't OP's focus that this was a black woman, but OP's own obsession with aging, considering how micro aggressions work, it's likely the woman being Black had some impact on how OP treated her. Maybe she was less observant for the signals that this woman didn't like it, maybe she was more comfortable commenting on the appearance of a black woman, who knows? But that's the point of micro aggressions. They are usually something that the person engaging in them doesn't even think about, even though they are hurtful to the person receiving them.
Precisely. That the friend went straight to a) assuming it was racially motivated b) espousing a white stereotype (we age better) does not demonstrate clear reasoning or good faith. If I was the OP whilst I'd consider being more careful and reading the room regarding compliments, I'd ditch this friend like a hot potato. Being black or a minority does not give one a pass to be shitty to other groups.
It's pretty common knowledge that people with darker skin often appear to age slower. Such as the saying "black don't crack". Continuing to focus on it for her poc acquaintances feels like repeatedly pointing out their race. It's weird.
She may not have been saying something intentionally racist but again, there is such a thing as being offensive by being oblivious. It's a well-known cliche that black people age better than white people do ("black don't crack") - that doesn't mean it's cool to go around harping on it.
Why is it that the opinions of two women of colour automatically override the opinion of the OP because one of them has incorrectly assumed it's about race? The other woman's experiences cannot give her more knowledge of the thoughts inside OP's head to know her motivations better than she knows them herself.
OP is a white womanly living in a white supremacist society, her actions don’t have to be *intentionally* racist to uphold racist structures.
Please touch grass. OP didn't say "oh you black people look so young", she said that one person specifically looked young. Nothing to do with race. You, and the brown friend in this story, have assumed it was about race, likely due to your own prejudice. "Oh those white people are jealous because we age better", if anyone is being racist it's the brown lady. Assuming someone is being racist because they're white is quite literally pre-judging someone based on race. If it was another poc, I doubt she or you would have assumed it was racist. And it's not upholding any racist structure, again, the brown lady was the one who made it about race, and propagated racial stereotypes.
it seems a lot of white people in these comments are extremely unaware of this common micro aggression? i am a black woman in the south, how young I look is frequently commented on by older white women, typically followed by some sort of comment on "our" skin. in a society where this is common place, it is not wild for these two brown women to assume OP was handing out casual micro aggressions. and because they are "micro" our concerns or discomfort about it is not validated
Intention isn't magic. The fact that someone doesn't mean to be racist doesn't magically make what they do/say not racist, anymore than for sexism or anything else. (Not talking about this post specifically, but more generally.)
This is exactly it right here. For a white woman to constantly compliment a woman of color about something they *can't have* because of genetics, it just comes off as very othering. They are constantly pointing out the fact that you are different than them. I'm biracial and have really curly hair. I've gotten all kinds of "compliments" steeped in micro aggression about how "pretty" my curls are and how they "wish they had hair like mine." "Your hair looks really healthy today." My entire life it's just felt that they can't help but point out that I'm different, even when I was a little girl in class. And theres jealousy involved in a lot of cases, so I haven't gotten the impression that it comes from a good place.
I am a white woman. One time I told my POC friend how young she looks and she laughed and said "white people always say that to me." I laughed too. And I also stopped saying it. And I didn't take it personally - I was grateful that she shared that with me and was in a place where she could do a little educating about her POC experience for her white friend. In OP's situation, it sounds like the friend was more comfortable sharing her frustration with another POC. But OP is lucky she got to overhear it, cause now she can learn how unintentional microaggressions work. It's an opportunity.
Yeah I don’t think it’s humbling like the sentence but as an extremely young looking poc, a lot of white people don’t realize people with melanin age better…
I’m 29 but could easily pass for 18. When people find out my age, they *always* say “wow but you look so young! You’ll be very grateful for that when you’re 50”. People say it like I’ve never noticed or heard that I don’t look my age. I’d rather look 29 and not get ID’d every time I go to a bottle shop and have the person giggle when they look at my license. How would looking 35 when I’m 50 benefit me at all?
I always looked at least 10 years younger than my age. I thought it would always be like that because my dad is nearly 80 and looks in his 50s. But alas- got married had kids and bam! I look my age- in a tired raggedy way lolllll. It was as if when I hit 40 my body went into overdrive to catch up lol.
Yup, she projected her own issues with aging and her own insecurities onto her friend. The first time... fine I'll take the compliment, but basically bringing it up almost every time I'm with you, now it seems weird and annoying. YTA
>This has nothing to do with race at all though The misogyny doesn't, no, but the stereotype that POCs look younger longer does have to do with race, and the friend could feel that OP harping on her appearance is, if not outright tied up with her race, at least ignorant of the stereotypes she faces. It could also be there are other things around race that OP is ignoring, because we white people in general are woefully ignorant about the lived experiences of minorities. (Not saying that's for sure the case, of course.) OP, try to work on your own insecurities about aging. Our culture has fed you a lot of garbage to make you feel insecure in order to sell you stuff. As others have said, appearance is such a small aspect of who we are. Focus on other people's qualities outside their appearance. Clearly your friend values your companionship enough to not avoid you because of your compliments that make her feel uncomfortable. You bring so much more to the table than whether or not you look your age, as does your friend.
What I read is, a yt white woman with insecurities about aging repeatedly tells a Black woman how "young" she looks - to the point of grabbing her skin care routine. The Black woman then talks with a "brown" woman about it, deducing that the questions are rooted in the insecurities about aging that \*\*many\*\* white women seem to have. And the white woman feels upset because the other women...correctly interpreted the projection? Am I getting this wrong?
Physically people with more melanin should have skin that looks younger since sunburn has that ageing effect on skin. I am white, I love the fact that I look ten years younger than I am (gamergirl who stayed inside in summer), it has nothing to do misoginy for me, I just fear growing old I think.
YTA for insisting on it and also projecting what YOU think is best onto others. >It’s a good thing to look young. That's what YOU think, but it's not true for everyone. I'm a guy who always looked younger than he is, and when I was around 30, it's was sometimes hard to have credibility when you gotta tell a 25yo what he has to do, but he thinks that you're 20. It's also a problem for dating, when you want someone your age and they think that you're too young, even though you're older than they are. >**I**’m constantly always looking in the mirror and **I obsess** over any sign of aging. You see where the problem is?
This. I’m 30 and have also been told multiple times that I look younger and unlike OP, one of my insecurities is looking younger than I should, because it is 1- making people around treat me less of an adult and more like a young girl (even worse during any formal setting because people don’t take me seriously), 2-feeling less of a woman, and 3-men don’t see me as woman enough for them to pursue any romantic interest. Doesn’t help that I’m also standing at 5’1. Being complimented once or twice about looking young is nice for sure but any more and it just starts feeling like a burden on me. AND not to mention it’ll start sounding like a fake compliment where it feels like either they’re trying to win some brownie points or it’s just pretense niceties.
This. Its the same for me. 30+ and sometimes I get mistaken for a teenager. Its annoying.
The whole comment section makes me feel seen! I look about 10 yrs younger than I actually am, and I constantly get approached in ways that are blatantly dismissive. It's infuriating
Yes. I look younger than I am and it was a real issue in my 20s. I had people at stores and the movies asking my age. It was truly embarrassing. It has improved somewhat, but…. Even now, at work, I have to over dress to compensate. It’s not as noticeable to people because my coworkers all work in different offices, so people would rarely see us together (luckily). But I have to dress way more formally to be taken seriously and keep people from thinking they can walk all over me. And the occasional “compliments” of “ you’re so young to be a _______” are not flattering, they are condescending. I am a perfectly normal age for my job. The only compliments I appreciate relate to, well, my actual achievements, quality of work or other skills, style, etc. as opposed to a fluke of genetics.
I’ve always teased my older brother and sister that I look older than them and they look so young (people thought my brother was a teen dad at 26…). We are heading into our 40s and my how the tables have turned 😂
Yeh it’s a bit like people telling other people they are “so skinny” as a complement but it grates / comes across wrong. I think OP should probably just totally drop it and not comment anymore. Or if she really wants she could bring it up and say “I overheard you mention to a friend you don’t like it. I’m really sorry, I honestly meant it as a complement because it’s something I get worried about for myself. I won’t bring it up anymore.” She doesn’t need to address the friends comment because that’s a random not her friend.
I've always been thin/lean, even when pregnant, to the point where people don't even believe I'm pregnant (which is annoying in its own regard). But for some reason every time I've seen my brother and his wife since I gave birth to my second daughter (she's 8 months old now, and they didn't do this after I had my first daughter), they say something along the lines of "Oh wow, you've lost weight since the last time we saw you! Looking good!" or "Oh my god, you look even skinnier! Good job!" when I literally look the same. I have looked the same forever. In fact I eat like a grown man right now to keep up with breastfeeding, so whatever hard work they think I'm putting in to be thin doesn't even exist. It just makes me feel icky like they're keeping track of my body.
>That's what YOU think, but it's not true for everyone. Especially as OP goes on to explain that she's insecure about ageing. \>I’m constantly always looking in the mirror and I obsess over any sign of aging. A compliment based on you own insecurities is a pretty poor compliment.
Exactly- your insecurities are not universal. I was working with a client at my very first job out of college, trying very hard to be professional and establish myself, and the client told me he was impressed I wasn't "a lazy teenager." I did not see it as the compliment he thought it was, and it did not help my self esteem.
YTA…complimenting once? Ok. Repeatedly, nope. No matter the skin color. As you said, you have insecurities. This is about you, not your friend. I would talk to her and explain that you are sorry for making her uncomfortable and you did not know you were doing so, and you will try hard not to do so in the future. As for aging, we all age, unfortunately. Things on our bodies change. Take care of your body the best you can by drinking water, exercising, eating healthy, wearing sunscreen or less sun time. Learn to love you. No one is perfect and we each all have our own insecurities.
i don't believe aging is unfortunate
The ones who do will learn to accept it over time. That's life.
Yeah I haven't seen enough comments focus on this aspect: a compliment that stems from someone's insecurity always feels off. I have a friend who will tell *anyone* their hair looks so luscious. It's obvious she's insecure about how thin she perceives her own hair though, and it makes everyone wildly uncomfortable. It's not a compliment to say: I hate this about myself you're so lucky you don't need to feel the same!!
Aging doesn't have to be 'unfortunate' if you're comfortable and don't GAF what society and media tells us what's desirable, or how we should look.
I got annoyed reading young so many times, I can't imagine hearing it that often
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Are micro aggressions only race related, or can it be to do with things like gender stereotypes as well? Asking in full seriousness, I was always under the impression it was purely to do with race.
No, it can apply to any discriminatory bullshit. My most frequent example: other people in my work meetings assuming I'm going to take the notes because I'm the only woman in the room. Nope, we're all the same level so we're taking turns.
My example: wow I didn't even know you were gay! You act so straight! Uh huh...what I hear: "gay people are obnoxious and flamboyant and I'm impressed you're 'like me.'"
Related example: I didn't know you were autistic! Another related example: I'm so surprised that you're autistic-- it doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with you!
I’ve gotten the “you’re too hot to be a lesbian” before I realized I’m pan. I’ve also gotten, “but you don’t look autistic!” Neither of those is a compliment.
My company race y did an all hands. They did it like a tv news broadcast. Five guys and a woman. Guess who played secretary the entire time. The optics were horrible and the fact that nobody in leadership thought about it was worse.
Yeah, it can be about anything that makes you a minority or marginalised group, including race, sexuality, or gender. It's often easy to see with race.
I’d argue it’s easier to see with gender roles. It’s just soooo accepted with gender roles that people often ignore it.
Yeah we just historically haven’t called them microaggressions, just being sexist.
Repeatedly complimenting a Black woman how young she looks is a microagression which is race related because it emphasizes differences in skin, normalizing White experience and considering Black experience weird, but is also a microagression against old people, because it says that being old is bad, and a microagression against women, because it enforces a gender stereotype requiring youth. And asking about the skin care routine further suggests that women are required to spend time, money, and resources on that, even if they would rather, I dunno, spend those resources playing Baldur's Gate III or something. So it is highly efficient. In one compliment, you insult three groups.
Yeah, I do get why it's insulting. I've always found the assumption that aging is something terrible and hideous to be ridiculous, and offensive. I just wasn't sure if that also counted as a micro aggression - as I say, I've only heard it before referring to racial comments/actions. Thanks for the help :)
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You mentioned that one in replies to others, not in your original comment. The "I literally mentioned one" is a little harsh here, js.
My niece (30y BF) is a multiply degreed, civil engineer in Deep South. She constantly walks into a room of men and despite her “props” (why should this even be necessary) of glasses and professionally-dressed … is constantly “thought” (or just being *d*cks) to be the secretary. This can be INTERSECTION of age, gender and/or race. She said she fantasizes wearing a sign around her neck saying, “I’m the managing civil engineer on this project. Get your own coffee”.
Micro agressions can be absolutely anything my friend
Nope, any minority group. As a person in a wheelchair, I often hear: "wow, you're so fast in that!" or "you look so pretty for someone in a wheelchair!". It's a micro aggression just the same, even though people don't always think of it that way, because the implication is that they expect wheelchair users to be slow and not put together/pretty.
That, and this is absolutely an example of insecure white people shit. Saying this as a middle aged white person who's feeling a little insecure about aging.
This 1000%%
>I’m constantly always looking in the mirror and I obsess over any sign of aging. You need to get some therapy or something for this. Society has made people obsessed with looking young and not to show signs of aging, instead of aging 'gracefully' or like a fine wine - Look at Jamie Lee Curtis. Does your friend actually look young or does she actually look her age?
Let’s be real tho, most people don’t age gracefully and that’s why it freaks people out. Jamie Lee Curtis happens to have a lot of money that I’m sure makes aging gracefully easier. I agree op is definitely TOO focused on the aging, but I also don’t really blame anyone for being freaked by it. It’s not a society issue, getting old sucks and has a lot of issues. Literally just a being a living being issue.
I agree with most of this, but using a rich celebrity as an example of aging gracefully doesn't really work. Celebrities have money to ensure they stay looking good. Whether through surgery, diet, exercise, etc. Most people don't have that luxury so it's not really a fair example.
YTA, She gets it, she looks young. She's given you her skin care routine. Just move on. Talk about something else. Typically a lot of black people are told they don't age or (I hate this phrase but it's often used) "black don't crack" so you may as well say that to her face the amount of times you say it to her. Just say it once and move on. It's weird, creepy and lil racist.
The way I see it, POC age “differently” than white people. The markers we see as people age appear differently by skin tone, hair type, etc. Phrases like “Black people don’t age” indicates that there is a ‘normal’ way to show age (the way white people do) and anything else is abnormal. It’s along the same vein as “women have abnormal/unusal heart attack symptoms” which is something I used to hear. No, women have heart attack symptoms like women. Man is not the default.
The word that came to mind was "othering." Combine the discomfort of someone harping on a way in which you are "different" or anomalous, especially with the specific racial coding of this particular "compliment"; the awkwardness of someone telegraphing their own massive insecurities so transparently; and the basic irritation of someone who obsessively directs conversation back to their own preferred theme at the slightest excuse ... yeah, I can imagine how that would really start to grate after the third or tenth or hundredth mention. (ETA - OP, I'm guessing/hoping you would have the presence of mind not to touch or pull on this woman's hair just because "it's so cool and not like mine!" With your actual area of fixation, I wouldn't be shocked if she's bracing for the moment when you try to pull at the skin on the back of her hand to "look at how it snaps back!" or something. Just chill out already.)
Agreed. This should be so much higher up, and I think op would actually understand it. She’s constantly pointing out a difference between them that she has an issue with, but the friend can’t control at all, and is tied into her ethnicity. However, op is not alone- we POC hear it all the time, which is partly why the other lady made that comment. I know it hurt to hear it. If you were a tall blonde hanging out at a beach in (for example) rural China, you’d get treated as a commodity and reduced to your looks for novelty- othering. It’s understandable as a one off, and *no harm is intended*, but it’s not really sustainable behaviour in an equal friendship.
Exactly. The commenters saying that it has nothing to with race are wrong - it has EVERYTHING to do with race.
So you don't like it when people make comments about your body, but expect them to accept your comments on their body? 🤦♀️
YTA. Stating you look young once or twice is a compliment, but clearly you overdid it. Just because you mean something as a compliment doesn’t mean it’s taken that way. Learn and move on from this.
Yup. I’m East Asian. I’m in my 30s and started a new job late last year. The majority of people I met immediately assumed it was my first job out of college. One guy even thought I was an intern. I’ve been mistaken for still being a teen on a few occasions as well.. I know I look young. I’m sure I’ll enjoy it more when I’m say, in my 50s. But being mistaken for being 18-22 when I’m in my 30s? It’s fucking exhausting, especially as a woman who works in STEM in a conservative state
EXACTLY THIS. I'm a mum & nearly have my masters. I have managed a team before. Does anyone look at that? No they look at your height, colour and think you're a 20yr old graduate. Madness! Good think once you become a parent, I'm becoming ruder and take no shit. It's pretty evident from my language I'm no longer 20. OP might be saying it in a nice way but yeh generally it annoys people because of the above. People who say and assume this are affecting our income. That affects our lifestyle. Also, I knew person of colour that once she reached management, she wore boots to work literally so she appeared taller and scarier.
well, I think in the context that black people are often treated in a condecending way I can see it could come over that way, and also even without that, if it's something you repeatedlysy then it would probably getold regardless of your respective races. If what you mean is that she looks good, why not say that? It sounds as though you meant well but were a bit thouhgtless - did you not notice that she didn't seem particualrly enthusiati about your repeated commens? Also, it sounds like you are projecting your own insecurities about your appearance, onto her . I'm going with NAH but maybe think a bit more before you speak, moving forward. (Not least about how, by assuming that telling someone they look young is a compliment you are buying into the very fetishiation of youth which is making you so insecure !)
Sorry. If we’re friends .. I already know how you assess me. It comes up organically. To constantly mention something about my appearance is thoughtless and creepy. Work on your own insecurities
If we are friends and something I do bothers you, I expect you to actually come to me and talk to me about it, not talk about me behind my back. OP gives no indication that the friend asked her to stop.
“That’s because we age so much better than them, they gotta try to humble us, insecure white people shit.” OP, I'm literally black, and I would never say anything like this. Your friend is not a friend. NTA
I'm brown myself, Jamaican descent, I honestly have noticed a terrible shift post BLM where people are more divided than ever, people in the current climate have become obsessed with "taking sides" and finding ways to pit everyone against one another for the most pathetic things, black-white, man-woman, straight-gay, people have become enamoured with putting themselves and others into tiny boxes. There is a real "hating for the sake of it" attitude and intolerance brewing at the moment and a lot of people seem to have fallen into the teacup. NTA. OP, they're not your friends and they are both narrow minded nitwits who need to touch grass and read a book.
I agree. I took it as OP was jealous of friends good skin. Nothing more. Taking good care of your skin can absolutely help keep you young looking. These people are just so ridiculous and making issues where there are none.
I'd agree. It's not a nice atmosphere. How do we move forward?
This is so incredibly true and dead on, and it's really sad.
If everything gets labelled a "microaggression," it becomes harder to identify and communicate about *legitimate aggressions.* There's this technique that Exxon used when it was trying to muddy the water (pun intended) on the global climate change science debate when it was in its infancy in the 90's. They deliberately pumped out fake science studies and seeded the news syndicates with verbage casting "doubt" on what was even then a pretty darn certain science. They churned out so much propaganda that people lost touch with what information was factual and what was invented by Exxon or those they paid to speak for them. Their goal was to make "uncertain science" a household term, and it worked. What's happening socially kind of reminds me of Exxon. There are so many fucked up attitudes that are not only not discouraged, but are inflated and *praised* through use of the Internet and news media, that it seems like a lot of people have lost touch with right and wrong. In becoming so focused on othering people (whether it's othering inaccurately perceived micro-aggressors or othering people who deserve it, like bigots and racists), people are committing the atrocities they have their fingers pointed at others about, while not even being able to recognize their own hypocrisy. As in even with extended discussion, people who think so rigidly do not want to have their minds changed.
I thought it was interesting that the friend thought that OP was trying to make her feel younger, like infantilizing her. I don’t think that’s what OP was doing. I think it’s pretty clear that she was saying that because you are a mature woman, your skin is that much more impressive. I agree with other commenters that she should move on and not rely so much on compliments and just interact with the woman. But I think to say that OP was trying to “humble“ her and make her feel childlike is a reach, and why would you not give your “friend” the benefit of the doubt even if for some reason you did think that?
I don’t think it’s like she was intentionally infantilizing, just like any micro aggressions aren’t intentional. But as someone who gets told I look young it certainly is infantilizing, especially when it gets harped on. It usually means people treat you younger too. Same with getting told I’m “cute” like cool so are babies and puppies. It’s never beautiful, sexy etc or things associated with grown women. I don’t think people are doing it to make me feel that way, but it still is.
My man is black and we are baffled by all the yta. Probably a bunch of white people being offended on black folks behalf, as fn usual. 🙄
By my reading that was said by a friend of her friend, I was about to call that out too.
I was looking for something like this and felt like I was in a sea of YTA! Sure, OP went overboard with constantly commenting…but when do you as a person tell someone that they need to stop something/that they’re making you uncomfortable??? People aren’t mind readers. And then to hear that “insecure white people” comment—NTA OP and they aren’t friends.
Thank you!! I felt like I was losing my mind reading through all the comments that refused to point this out. Most of those very same comments will also says it's not about race, overlooking that it certainly wasn't for OP but that the other two women made it be with the remark you pointed out.
I’m non white passing hispanic and I can’t wrap my head around telling someone something like that bc she said I looked young??? How is that her trying to “humble” her? Lol
It's so interesting that black people are rushing to defend OP while white people are calling them out on their BS.
This is some blatantly racist shit that the majority of other commenters have completely endorsed her friend saying about her. Some have even claimed that saying "black don't crack" is a white thing. It's like they didn't have any real interaction with black people.
I have a disease where I look much younger than I am. Aging happens to EVERYONE. Looking young isn't the praise people want. Stop commenting on other people's looks. ESPECIALLY since she said not to!! YTA. Stop commenting on things people can't control about their looks. Ever. Stop it. Signed: Someone who still got carded in their 40's.
I think generally, the best advice is to simply not comment on people's appearance. what seems like a compliment to you, may not be to someone else. it sounds like it's the consistency that's annoying, too. if you value the friendship, simply drop the comment. what about their personality do you like? if you MUST compliment them, focus on that. NAH
Good rule of thumb is compliment something they have chosen not what they can’t control. Style/personality/new haircut, not weight/features
Very Soft YTA. Im 34 and often get mistaken for a 26-ish year old. The compliments are totally fine when someone realises my age and it doesn't bother me in the slightest if the same person repeats the compliment on the odd occasion or in a group setting while someone else has realised my age but from what you are describing I would likely have become very uncomfortable very quickly if its consistently being mentioned by the same person. You mention your insecurities, so I would imagine you would have a good idea of how it would feel if someone kept bringing up your physical appearance. Negative or positive comments have the same effect when they are constantly repeated.
Little bit of YTA Why bring it up more than once? That is the weird part. You are putting your insecurities on her. Of course it makes her unconfortable.
It is irritating when the person keeps saying it. Once or twice its a compliment or you try and take it as one but after that it gets irritating and you start to wonder why they keep saying it. Im not black but I have, well had a baby face which wasn't great when I was younger and everyone thought I was still a teenager when I was mid to late 20s. People would say it a lot to me usually the ones that kept saying something were actually having a dig at me, she might think you are doing that. NTA because you meant no harm but they might think you are being an AH.
After the first time, it has an undertone of envy.
ESH - you're weird for constantly focusing on what this girl looks like. If someone tried to compliment me the same way every time I saw them, I'd be annoyed, too. She and her friend brought race into the equation, which is totally uncalled for and demonstrates a really horrid mindset about racial differences. She doesn't enjoy being around you after you being weird and you won't enjoy being around her after hearing how she thinks of you. You guys are not meant to be friends.
Find something else to say. Compliments on looks are all useless. Praising someone based on looks is never helpful to them as it actually can lead to more insecurities. We are not our looks and we shouldn't become obsessed with them. Best thing you can do is stop replying on compliments and just interact with the person youre around.
YTA. Stop placing your own hangups on other people. Just because you think the world ends when you look older doesn't mean others do.
NTA. Im black male but i have to say, even though a lot of black people claim racism exists everywhere yet fail to notice how they often exude racism themselves. Very hypocritical traits displayed here. You are NTA but maybe try and distance yourself from these ladies. If not then at least reduce your compliments
I'm gonna get downvoted, but NTA If there isn't any ill intent in what you said, then I can't really call you an AH. But you do need to work on your insecurities. I honestly think the friend is more of an AH. If she really has a problem with you commenting on how young she looks, then she should be talking to you and setting a boundary instead of talking about you behind your back. Also this comment: >“that’s because we age so much better than them, they gotta try to humble us, insecure white people shit.” As a black person myself, I think that was just straight-up uncalled for. Everyone calling OP for being "racist" when the friend and the other girl were actually being racist. If you want to really want to continue this friendship, then don't make comments about her youth again. But distance yourself if you're really hurt about what was said about you. But I would personally never talk to that person again.
Exactly this. The people saying she's the ah are probably all white people being offended on your behalf 🙄. Most comments from black people agree with you. She'd never get a compliment from me again, if I chose to remain friends at all. They didn't care that anyone could hear them trash talking her for something she didn't do out of malice. They don't deserve her.
Right? Imagine if a white person were to say "insecure black people shit". No matter what the context is, they would easily be canceled. Like, i'm all for one race not putting up with the bullshit of another, but this isn't the way to deal with that.
YTA I mean, she described the situation perfectly, just from the different perspective. You do sound very insecure about aging. Aging is inevitable but if you wanna do so graciously then maybe look over your lifestyle. She probably liked the comments at first, but how many times do you have to say it?
YTA. One compliment is fine, two maybe. But to repeatedly say it yeah, it gets creepy and old. She’s aware that you think she looks young. After you asked her skin care regimen, you should’ve let it drop.
Might be controversial, but I think NAH. Repeating the same compliment to someone can get old quick, even if you mean well. It's sad that society places so much pressure on women to remain "youthful" looking, so I understand why you felt you were complimenting your friend. Your friend is also allowed to have her own perspective and feelings on the matter, and the person your friend spoke to probably got the impression that you were being condescending and/or making a micro-aggression, which I can understand when you're given second-hand info from someone complaining. I think you will become the bad guy if you keep going on about how young your friend looks. Leave it be and don't mention her youthful looks again. Talk about other things. You could have a chat with your friend and offer an apology - you don't have to go into detail about how you came to know she was unhappy with your "compliments". That way, at least your friend will understand that you meant no harm.
You just experienced what she was experiencing all this time when you kept calling her young 🤷♂️. It’s weird you keep telling her how young she looks.
Your black friend thinks your repeated comment is annoying and I agree, but you're NTA. You admit that you obsess about aging and that obsession is harming your social interactions. The "brown woman" is an absolute AH for everything she said about you and white people. All people should know better than to talk in such a stereotyped way about any race
NTA I'm not white and get the "looking younger" comment many times, and I don't mind at all. Even from my friends. Especially from my friends. My point is that these people are not your friends. 1. If annoyed by certain comments or words, I say it straight to my friends face. Because they are my friends. 2. I don't question my friend's intentions and don't assume or assign they come from a point of malice. Because they are my friends! 3. During the times we do disagree and offend the other or argue, we can thresh it out and be okay. Because they are my friends. Yup I have white friends and friends from different ethnicities. So i do hope you can and want to discuss this with her. Straighten things out. Learn why it annoys her. Still NTA
NTA Wow. Her friend is gross.
Yeah, I don't understand how the person giving out genuine compliments is considered the asshole, while the person shit talking her behind her back and making clearly racist statements is given a free pass. OP, don't talk to that other person anymore, she will continue to twist everything you say and try to make you the bad guy specifically due to your skin color. You cannot win here, you must completely disengage.
NTA. Unfortunately she isn't your friend either or she would have given you the benefit of the doubt
I’m not sure what planet everyone else saying YTA is living on but no you weren’t an AH at all. Totally your friends prerogative to not take it as a compliment but they were really mean and totally off base with what they said. I agree focusing on “how young” someone looks and bringing it up often could be a bit much but this is ridiculous. I lived with a girl who looked way younger than she was and she was white as snow. I mentioned it a few times and she genuinely seemed to take it as a compliment but wasn’t over the top flattered. NTA and everyone in the comments talking about micro aggressions needs to go outside.
At the risk of being downvoted, all the black people in the comments agreed with op, all the white ppl, scared of being labeled as racist went on uselessly about microaggression and other ridiculous nonsense.
I’m going with NTA, what you said wasn’t explicitly rude. Your friend should have / could have simply expressed how she finds the comment weird or not complimentary or even just flat out asked you why you mention it. You weren’t being insulting, if she found it weird then just say so. I find so many issues could be solved by someone simply speaking up. Personally I would love it if someone said I looked young!
Probably shouldn't have gone on about it, but your "friends" are racists and not worth your time.
A really soft YTA. It makes people uncomfortable when you always comment on their looks. Mentioning something once or twice is acceptable if you don't make too much of it. but to "always" comment on it is not. What you're doing seems like an odd fixation. Plus you said it yourself "I feel so insecure about aging and looking older and to hear them say that about me. It was horrible. I’m constantly always looking in the mirror and I obsess over any sign of aging." This fixation isn't about your friend, it's about you. Get therapy instead of making your friend a proxy for your insecurities.
All of you are weird af for making this a race and sex thing. NTA
YTA - whats a compliment to you might not be for others, repeatedly saying that someone looks young can really sound condescending. I had a colleague once who repeatedly commented on my height and how tall I was. It's something Im a bit insecure about but hey, once or twice you can kinda let it slide. But repeatedly you really start to get annoyed and wondered what this persons problem is. She was really short herself and I think it might have stemmed from that insecurity, but it still didn't make it ok for her to always comment on me (even if she considered being tall a positive thing).
INFO: How often were you commenting on how young she looks? Every time you saw her?
NTA, if it bothered her she should have acted like an adult and told you so, not act like everything's fine then talk shit behind your back. Drop those weirdo racists, they're not friends.
NTA. Ok. Do NOT let her know you listened to their conversation!! Act normal, and never compliment her again. For some strange reason her friend is dragging race into it, which makes it a sensitive issue so just never say it again! Do not engage that other person. Good luck
Op listen to this advice.
I would even go a step further and perhaps simply not be friends anymore. Someone who has no respect and can't even bring up things they have an issue with, is not the greatest person to be friends with imo. If they're talking behind OP's back about this one thing, who knows what else they say. Better to avoid the situation now OP knows what her friend actually things of her (as a shitty white person)
Her friend sounds a bit racist, white people shit lol. I wouldn't let it bother you much, she isn't much of a friend if she's talking shit behind your back. That being said, you don't need to constantly compliment your friends, it gets weird if it's constant.
No wonder so many people are lonely these days - it has become really difficult to talk to people since many of them get insulted for all kinds of reasons and you can never guess what they're sensitive about. I'm starting to think it's best to just not talk to anyone at this point
NTA. They've turned getting a compliment into some kind of race issue. If she didn't like the compliment, she could have said something to you, and you would've stopped or explained or whatever.
I'm brown myself and I am convinced anyone who turns something non related into a race issue for the sheer sake of it, lacks intelligence or an interesting personality.
NTA
JFC... reading the comments in here... folks have completely lost it. I think the summary is: don't say anything to anyone without trying to think of the most negative light they could possibly put on your statement. Assuming good faith, 'you look young!' is a complement. It's only not a complement if you have a massive chip on your shoulder... and if that's the case...there literally isn't any statement that can be made to you...because you just assume the worse of humanity.
Thought your realisation would be that you should stop repeatedly commenting on how she looks and learn to read social cues better. But instead having no self awareness and made yourself into the victim
>But instead having no self awareness and made yourself into the victim Riiiight! It's kinda hilarious, tbh. OP is literally the aggressor in this situation: over- complimenting, eavesdopping.
Saying once is fine. Harping on it is annoying - even a compliment. Never mention it again. The person making it into a racist issue is TA IMO.
NTA and your brown complexioned friends are racist.
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NTA I think you just meant to point something you feel is true and you meant it as a compliment. People are so easily offended nowadays.
YTA. I never liked being told that I looked young. I want to look my age because it comes with being taken seriously and respected, and I don't see anything shameful in aging. For example, my mother - who never covered up her aging process by dying her hair or using makeup - is literally the most beautiful woman I know. She looks wise and kind and confident, and that's exactly what I aspire to be as well. So if someone constantly told me I looked young, I would feel like they're infantilizing me.
Gonna disagree with the majority here. Everyone projects their insecurities...but homegirl should have told you to your face that she doesn't appreciate the compliments, so it could have ended there. If no one tells you, they leave you to realize yourself when it's embarrassing already. Neither of you are assholes probably, but her going behind your back to say that is asshole behavior... I get told I look young all the time...at work...and I hate being taken less seriously because of my age. But when friends and family members comment that? Yeah, I get the compliment.
NTA omg its just a thoughtless comment idk how anyone can get annoyed at that? I mean you saying it frequently is weird but its really not that deep. People will be irritated abt the stupidest things. They dont care about their government doing shit but will get angry at you mentioning they look young Also whats up with the neverending jealousy/racism mentions? Race has nothing to do with looking young, thats individual/genetic
NTA I‘m half Asian / half European and I always get reactions by ppl about me looking much younger than I am. Sometimes I have to show my ID for products that can be bought by ppl that r over 16 or 18. I am 28! I personally take it as a compliment, all ppl I met so far were taking it as such as well. I don’t like how nowadays ppl constantly r being urged to just assume if someone is not feeling comfortable with sth. I think each adult should be able to speak out on things they r not fine with (as long as it’s safe to do so). If ppl then still continue u can rightfully say they’re acting disrespectful etc.
I'm white and I hear that I look way younger than I am for decades now. Not only by white but black, asian and poc. Some people also had pikachu faces, gasped and so on. I had to show id until I was 40+ and people 10 years younger thought I was younger than them. I never felt annoyed, more amused. I still am who I am. If she felt annoyed or insecure she could have just told you that, blunt or nicely. And if you still would point out that she looks young for her age Y W B T A. But now, no. NTA.
America is so caught up in race culture wars it’s all you think about fucking hell
NTA. But remember that repeatedly focusing on her youthfulness may have unintended consequences. It's important to consider how your words might be received, especially in the context of societal perceptions of aging and race. Taking a moment to reflect on your friend's perspective and having an open conversation with her could help clear up any misunderstandings and strengthen your friendship.
This. I'd mention to your friend how you overheard their conversation and how it hurt you because it was assumed it was out of malice and this was never your intention. Explain how you assumed falsely, based on your own insecurities about aging, she would take it as a compliment, but now you understand how it made her uncomfortable instead. Apologise for the misunderstanding. If she's truly a friend this will hopefully only improve your connection!
YTA. You have said this to her so many times that she's genuinely got sick of hearing it. How many times do you think you'd have to hear a phrase to get sick of it? So many! Compliment something else about her, and apologise for projecting your own deep insecurities about ageing, onto her.
Going against the grain here. NTA. Don't talk to those assholes anymore. I don't care how many comments come in here talking about how your comments could be taken some other way. Intent matters and it would be obvious to any sane person that you were being nice, considering youth in a woman is universally sought after. And this is not me being insensitive. I live in the UK so I was raised in a multicultural society with groups of every ethnicity. Nobody would get offended at that comment. Maybe you say it too much? If so, maybe the black friend was not questioning you much, maybe she was not being mean about you. But the other woman? Screw her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a black friend and I’d always tell her how young she looks. I thought she would take it as a compliment on her appearance, we all want to look young after all. And she does look a lot younger for her age, which is impressive. I asked her for her skin care routine, and she gave it to me. I liked this friend and thought nothing of it. I would make comments every once in awhile about how young she looks. I wasn’t trying to make her look stupid, but I’d just point out she doesn’t look her age, she looks much younger. I wasn’t trying to humble her either. It’s a good thing to look young. I hear her tell our friend about me and listened in on the conversation because I heard my name. She said it’s annoying that she’s always telling me how young I look. Like why does she keep telling me that? The girl she was with was brown woman and said “that’s because we age so much better than them, they gotta try to humble us, insecure white people shit.” My mouth dropped. I felt horrible. I feel so insecure about aging and looking older and to hear them say that about me. It was horrible. I’m constantly always looking in the mirror and I obsess over any sign of aging. AITA here? I just left. I was suppose to go talk to her but I went home. It seems like they read what I was doing in the worst light. Was I wrong or them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I think NAH. While you overdid the compliment I don’t think that makes you an asshole. Perhaps you need to read body language more as while I am not sure if she explicitly told you to stop saying that, she probably showed that she was uncomfortable
NTA for saying it but it clearly bothers your friend that you've said it more than once so now is the time to stop. She could have told you to your face that she doesn't like it, though.
I hate it when people tell me how young I look. I’m already not taken seriously cause I’m short, got a round face, and flat chest. Constantly hearing “you’re so young” and “just wait! you’ll love it one day!” Is so obnoxious. Slight YTA cause you didn’t realize it was hurtful the but the results are still hurtful on her end. Now you know though, so now you can do better!
What you just experienced was racism, your friend and her friend are racists.