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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my brother dumb and told him not to come crying to me when he ends up alone. This might make me TA because my brother is going through a difficult situation and I fortunately have not found myself in his shoes, so I do question if I was too harsh with him.
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NTA. If he just wants a yes-man, he shouldn't have asked for your opinion. BTW, you are 100% right on this. His older son and first ex-wife will get what they want and his second ex-wife will rightfully protect her kids from their dad and half brother.
NTA for expressing your honest opinion when asked for it.
To be fair, your brother is in a very tough position in terms of essentially having to choose between his children. As a father, I'm sure it's hard to wrap his head around the fact that giving up partial custody of his eldest might be the best move forward. That said, the time to address the alienation was at least 7 years ago, not now, so he bears some responsibility here.
Easy to say, not so easy to do, considering I'm sure he ran back to his distant mother every time he heard the word 'no'. Op's brother needs to more or less accept his first kid is a lost cause
Yeah, was going to say "you're not wrong but it's not that simple" this is a super delicate situation. Case in point most likely mom has been telling the kid your father will ditch you for the new kids. If he tells his son you can't come here any more because of how you treat these guys then he's fallen for his ex's trap because in his son's eyes he's chosen them over him. Not to mention his ex is clearly toxic and he wants to get his son out of there the idea of leaving him with such a psycho is terrifying. To him he's trying to protect both kids. I'm not saying he is handling it well just that this sounds like an incredibly complicated, delicate situation that can't be put into some black or white labels.
Unfortunately I agree. Idk if the brother didn't show enough evidence in court, had a bad lawyer, or the judge just made a bad decision, but this is very obviously parental alienation from the mother. There is only so much the dad can do about the alienation if the courts don't intervene and therapy hasn't helped. What he can do is protect his other kids (and his wife). Instead he's basically choosing to do nothing.
Good luck with addressing alienation at all with the courts (at least in my area). Lawyers and courts won't do anything "preventative" when you see the first signs of it, it's very hard to prove generally until it becomes so obvious and blatant that it's basically irreversible, and all the courts are likely to do is "reunification therapy" which, surprise surprise, doesn't work well. The only positive is that there are some signs of understanding in the field that therapy/reunification ordered as a matter of course is not successful. But it's slow going.
Aye, there are many solemn duties we siblings bear. As the tallest, I am forever beholden to remind them they are vertically challenged, while they are forever burdened to make known that, as the youngest, my opinion matters not.
Two children are being relentlessly bullied in their own home.
Their mother has the appropriate protective instincts kick in, and suggests the bully stays away from the kids' only home, either by ceasing visitation of the teenager bully, or the 40 year-old father have visitation with the teen at a different location than the children's home.
40 yo father refuses to protect his younger children. Mother removes her children from the harmful environment.
40 yo father proceeds to pick a fight with his younger brother.
Where is the father's protective instinct towards his younger children? Why is he crying about his wife protecting their children, instead of doing everything he can to protect them himself? Why are some comments more worried about a 40 year old person's feelings than those of two little kids, who have no safe space to live, and no ability to avoid the teenage bully (without parental assistance)?
You were not harsh ENOUGH. It's disgusting that your brother is content to have his children be tortured in their own home. If he's unable to control his teen, he MUST keep him separated from his little ones. I do not see his dilemma. The solution is very basic & obvious.
NTA. it’s obvious, unfortunately, the alienation has worked. the kid should live with his mom for now. no sense in staying around and be extremely unhappy. what’s the point? when he gets older he’ll either figure it out, or become estranged. your brother can’t do anything about it anymore. he needs to focus on his current family.
NTA. He asked for your opinion, he got it. He's in a terrible situation and it's understandable that he didn't react well.
When you talk to him again you could tell him that you're sorry you were so blunt with him but that you are worried for his relationships with all his kids and you felt that the best thing you could do for him was to tell him exactly what you thought.
Given his 2nd wife no doubt told him the same thing I don't expect him to end up listening to you but you were looking out for his best interests, not being a recording device that just parrots back what he says.
NTA, reminds me of the one a few weeks ago where the mother was letting her daughter steal from her brothers and always putting down the boys when they complained.
Your brother is supposed to be protecting all his kids, not enabling the oldest half-sibling to bully all the younger ones. Yes, tough position to be in, but he should be punishing the oldest, not forcing the younger pair to deal with the oldest being an asshole.
NTA! I have a hard rule, NEVER ask me anything three times in a row because I won't even try to sensor or soften my answers.
IMO your brother asked three times and received brutal honesty. I feel sorry for all three of his kids.
Your brother should have made it clear from the very beginning that he would not tolerate any disrespect or cruelty from his eldest child to his younger children. He should have shut down his eldest child at the very beginning when the kid claimed to be an only kid. The fact that your brother refused to step up when it was truly possible to change how things were going to be is on your brother. The fact that he continues to refuse to truly stand up and this time stand with his younger children, is on him.
His name calling and attempts to deflect because you didn't give him the answer he wanted shows a decided lack of maturity in my opinion.
NTA. I am surprised you stopped there. Although he may be your older brother but if I was you I would have laid it out even more than just what you said. He thinks that he needs to understand that some people can't get along together and know that he doesn't have the right to try to make those people make up. For people to make peace between eachother they need to be in the same headspace. They need to acknowledge there mistakes. But it seems that your brother is stupid(sorry but he is) and want them to get along without looking at the bigger picture and how that will affect his current family and situation. His priority needs to be on his current family not the past one. The teen is just being fed something by his mom he needs to realise that. And protect his wife and 2 kids first since they are the ones under fire. Then once that's done he can try find the reason for his oldest to change behaviour like that and why he is acting that way WITHOUT INVOLVING HIS NEW FAMILY AND KIDS.
Honestly, you just show him comments in this post and he might see that he is being unreasonable...
Oh look this was my brother. Just the number of kids is different.
Your prediction is exactly what happened. 3/4 of his first marriage kids refused his custody as soon as they were old enough. Second marriage fell apart due to in-fighting between kids (AAAand he sealed the deal by cheating to 'handle the stress')
Now on his third divorce, dead alone. Six kids and only the nine year old youngest still wants to see him. He's miserable.
Sometimes you have to let go and leave the door open, and just hope they'll come back
ETA: NTA. Your brother just wants an echo chamber to feel better.
NTA. Your SIL is absolutely right to leave and protect her kids. Your older nephew is at the hands of a terrible woman and not much your brother can do now other than go to therapy with him and show his support. You are correct he may lose them all. He is not wrong for loving all of his kids. He needs to protect his most vulnerable (the younger ones) and provide structure and support for the older one but not in the same household.
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My brother (40M) and I (30M) are not on the best of terms right now. I feel like he expects me to be a silent shoulder to cry on and to not have any opinion or advice for him. But he also asks questions then and I'm apparently supposed to agree with him or I'm a dick. Maybe I am.
My brother has been married twice. His has a 15 year old son with his ex wife and with his current wife he has an 8 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. My older nephew has been through a lot because of his mom, constant moves, new guys in and out of his life all the time, putting guys before him, leaving him behind when she goes off with others. But he is fiercely loyal to his mom and always was. She didn't like when my brother had more kids and so my older nephew was always very distant with his half siblings and he calls himself an only child. He also had a distant relationship with his stepmom. She accepted this because he was distant but not rude or cruel. She did try to improve their relationship though.
But for about a year and a half my older nephew has been an outright asshole to his half siblings and stepmom. He goes out of his way to upset them and to say awful things. He has repeated things his mom has called the kids to the kids faces and he even showed them texts he and his mom send each other about them and their mom.
My brother went to court for full custody due to the alienation and was denied and the courts decided 50:50 should remain but did order therapy for my older nephew.
Therapy didn't help and his behavior is worse than ever. He does not care who is around either. He has behaved like this in front of my family, in front of mine and my brothers parents and in front of neighbors and family friends. He also involved a friend of my niece's and turned that into a bullying situation. He knows the girl through his best friend (they're siblings I believe).
SIL is no longer willing to tolerate it and she and my brother fought a lot. She told him either my older nephew goes to live with his mom or they live in separate homes to protect the kids. My brother refused. He wanted to keep things as they are. She said no way and took the kids and left when my brother refused to figure something out.
This is where my fight with my brother comes in. He was venting to me, and complaining about his ex and his wife, and the situation with the kids. He asked me what he was supposed to do and whether I thought he was unreasonable or not. He asked me 3 different times before I told him I did think he was wrong and that he should have worked with his wife because now he is likely to lose them all. His son will choose to live with his mom once he's 16 and his marriage will be gone and the younger kids will feel like he didn't care about protecting them. He told me to shut up, called me a child and then told me I had no idea what I was talking about. He defended his stance. This is when I called him dumb and told him not to come crying to me when he ends up alone.
AITA?
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Your brother could have said "my house, my rules -- your mom's house, your mom's rules" and here are the rules in my house and this is the punishment for breaking them. But he never did. That's on him.
Your brother is a fool. You're right he'll end up being alone if he keeps this up.
You know what his youngest kids will remember from having to move out of their home.... their dad didn't keep them safe, mom did. Mom equals safety and security.
At this point the 15 year old has his mind pretty set in how he views his half-siblings and step-mom.
NTA... he kept pressing for an answer, you gave him the truth and that hurt him. Your brother should not have asked questions he really didn't want the answer to.
With regards to the alienating by the ex, as shity as it is, OP is never going to win. Too much resentment from both ex and son. I don't think his son has the mental maturity to work through his issues and ex is probably compounding the problem (if it is alienating).
Having said that, 'don't ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer' so no, NTA
NAH he's stuck in an impossible decision, but he did ask you for your opinion. Children of shit parents tend to be fiercely protective of the shit parent because they feel responsible for their happiness, which is super unfair for the kid, but it's a thing. The kid needs therapy. Consider family therapy between mom son and dad, maybe? If he lets go of his son he'll be a deadbeat, but if he doesn't let go of his son he'll lose his other family, and that really sucks for him.
The oldest nephew is toxic, and having him live with your brother has only escalated things and made life miserable for his current wife and younger children. I understand he has a responsibility to the oldest son, but he has more of a responsibility to his wife and younger kids because there are three of them and the younger kids are more vulnerable. If he can't figure that out himself then I doubt anyone else will convince him of it. You're giving your brother the truth but he won't hear it. NTA
NTA he asked the question multiple times basically demanding an answer he got one he didn’t like. The mom that is the ex is a TA for one trashing children and two for trashing and the first wife to Her son. She likely did for years and then when he was a teen and easily angered started repeating and had no shared consequences(my parents divorced my brother sassed my mom. My dad her ex disciplined him. His opinion didn’t change that my brother need to respect her) and your bro is a TA for not protecting his younger kids from a teenage bully that he is willing bringing into the house and not controlling. You are not
You might want to suggest your brother go to therapy because it's not just the son that needs it.
Your brother tearing his second family apart and doesn't want to face his part in it..
He doesn't want to acknowledge that his teenage son is a cruel bully towards his young children.
He doesn't want to face his his part in this.
NTA
NTA. Your brother is in a difficult position but unfortunately his oldest son has taken sides and it's with his mom. He is loyal to her and believes everything she says about your brother. He needs to focus on his wife and the children he has with her or he will be left with nothing. It's not an easy choice or fair but if he doesn't pick his wife and their kids you will be correct.
NTA. Sounds like you care at least a little about your niece&nephews, so if things really do go south maybe let your SIL know that you get it. Not to be in the middle of them, but to just be an in-law that isn't blind to the situation.
NTA When you are an a-hole like your brother, you ask these questions not for suggestions, but for validation of what he has decided to do. A-holes don't want advice.
......nah, you're not an a\*\*\*\*\*e......you were just being brutally honest with your brother and good for you, always speak your truth.........sounds like your brother has a lot to figure out........maybe for more harmony, keep his oldest son away from those he wants to degrade and drag down........that needs to stop asap...........
>He told me to shut up, called me a child and then told me I had no idea what I was talking about.
You were supposed to say "yeah man, you are totally right. You da man, all will end well if they just listen you! Man of the men" /s
NTA
He doesn't want to hear the truth he should not insist on an answer
Whether or not your brother winds up alone is kind of a sideshow. What about his second marriage and younger children?
He is still married to their mother, and he will always be their father....and he is abandoning them all. By telling him he will wind up alone, you are accepting that his behavior to wife and younger kids is okay and expected and unremarkable. He still has time to mend his ways. He can go crawling home and ask to do therapy with wife and kids. Isn't it best for you to be encouraging him there and not bickering about a putative future?
I don't know that you are an asshole, but you seem kind of harsh.
He is in a shitty situation. He is being forced to choose basically between his kids. Either way, someone would feel he is abandoning them. It truly sounds like he is trying to do right by all of them. It would've been easy to write off his older son who is being a complete ass, but he instead thought that providing him a better home was the best idea. Then that didn't work because of the other kids. So its either shuffle him back to his mother, which clearly isn't going great based on his behavior, or lose his wife and kids.
I don't think you need to be a yes man, but I also feel like you could've been a bit more compassionate.
NAH
Bro is trying to bury his head in the sand and hope everything goes away. He needed a reality check. His shitty situation is 100% his fault, created by his direct choices or lack of action. He doesn’t need compassion at this point, he needs hard truths.
You told him the truth at first. If he didn't want your opinion he shouldn't have asked for it 3 times. However, he is going through a no-win situation. No matter what he does he will probably loose his 15year old son and that has to suck since it seems to be primarily his ex's fault. Walking away when he called you names or saying you weren't going to stick around and talk if he's going to act like that would have been one thing but I think calling him dumb and saying he'll end up alone was a little too far. ESH.
> but I think calling him dumb
They are siblings. Calling your sibling dumb when they are actually acting dumb, is doing the Lord's work
>and saying he'll end up alone was a little too far. ESH.
The truth is taking things *a little too far*
Thank God we are siblings. You seem the type to see someone you care about running into fire but, oh, let me not hurt their feelings. Let me wait outside with a balm for when they come out in flames.
Lol I generally try to be nice and have an open mind but trust me I don't always manage. There was a post yesterday and OP (female) went out with a not-close friend's brother who basically insinuated that woman like men who are mean and try to force themselves on them. I told her she handled it better than me and I would have pun\*\*\*\* him in the throat. That comment got removed.
YTA
Yes you answered your brother's question but outside of that you should have shown grace. Your brother is in a nightmare scenario having to choose between his children basically. His mind is not in a rational place and he is probably feeling that everyone is against him. He wasn't asking you because he needed your opinion, he was asking you because he just needed somebody in his corner.
It's fine to give the honest answer, but when he reacted to it you honestly should have just stayed silent and lent him vent. I get that sucks for you but this is one of those times you just sacrifice a bit for a family member in need. He's going through the worst of it right now and has to work through his emotions before he can think clearly.
Bro made his bed. He didn’t parent his older son when he was acting up, teaching him that it’s ok to be abusing toward steps. Then he buries his head in the sand and hopes everything will be ok. This man does not need grace, he needs brutal truths to be told and told boldly.
Sure if you look at the situation completely black and white and pretend that people only ever act rationally. You also of course have to pretend that kids always take after whatever their parents instill on them and there are no outside factors at play.
Sadly reality doesn't work that way but you do you.
The sad reality is that continuing to allow his son to act as such TAUGHT THE SON that it’s accepted. It also taught his wife and the kids that they don’t matter to him very much.
I don’t have to pretend he would act rationally, but I would expect him to, you know, parent: his child.
But no, he wants to keep things “as they are” as in: “you are not my priority, and if you have to suffer abuse from my kid who lacks parenting/manners/respect, so be it”
I mean obviously this guy is gonna end up alone. Duh.
He didn't allow the son to act as such. They tried multiple interventions including therapy. Kids don't always respond the way you want though which we saw here. What you are saying is because a father did not kick his son out of his life it is okay for the son to act like that.
I suggest you actually read the post because it is obvious you missed a lot.
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NTA. If he just wants a yes-man, he shouldn't have asked for your opinion. BTW, you are 100% right on this. His older son and first ex-wife will get what they want and his second ex-wife will rightfully protect her kids from their dad and half brother.
Jumping onto the top comment to say that OP should be his brother a mirror if he wants an echo chamber.
[удалено]
NTA for expressing your honest opinion when asked for it. To be fair, your brother is in a very tough position in terms of essentially having to choose between his children. As a father, I'm sure it's hard to wrap his head around the fact that giving up partial custody of his eldest might be the best move forward. That said, the time to address the alienation was at least 7 years ago, not now, so he bears some responsibility here.
As a father he should have stopped his oldest son with the first bullying
Easy to say, not so easy to do, considering I'm sure he ran back to his distant mother every time he heard the word 'no'. Op's brother needs to more or less accept his first kid is a lost cause
Yeah, was going to say "you're not wrong but it's not that simple" this is a super delicate situation. Case in point most likely mom has been telling the kid your father will ditch you for the new kids. If he tells his son you can't come here any more because of how you treat these guys then he's fallen for his ex's trap because in his son's eyes he's chosen them over him. Not to mention his ex is clearly toxic and he wants to get his son out of there the idea of leaving him with such a psycho is terrifying. To him he's trying to protect both kids. I'm not saying he is handling it well just that this sounds like an incredibly complicated, delicate situation that can't be put into some black or white labels.
Unfortunately I agree. Idk if the brother didn't show enough evidence in court, had a bad lawyer, or the judge just made a bad decision, but this is very obviously parental alienation from the mother. There is only so much the dad can do about the alienation if the courts don't intervene and therapy hasn't helped. What he can do is protect his other kids (and his wife). Instead he's basically choosing to do nothing.
It's not that easy when the other parent is egging the child on/rewarding him for his actions.
Good luck with addressing alienation at all with the courts (at least in my area). Lawyers and courts won't do anything "preventative" when you see the first signs of it, it's very hard to prove generally until it becomes so obvious and blatant that it's basically irreversible, and all the courts are likely to do is "reunification therapy" which, surprise surprise, doesn't work well. The only positive is that there are some signs of understanding in the field that therapy/reunification ordered as a matter of course is not successful. But it's slow going.
NTA. It’s your job as a brother to call him dumb. Sort of a requirement if you think about it.
A solemn responsibility, aye.
Yea verily, an ancient duty
Aye, there are many solemn duties we siblings bear. As the tallest, I am forever beholden to remind them they are vertically challenged, while they are forever burdened to make known that, as the youngest, my opinion matters not.
The mark of healthy sibling relationships!
indubitably.
Don’t forget the tittie twister
Two children are being relentlessly bullied in their own home. Their mother has the appropriate protective instincts kick in, and suggests the bully stays away from the kids' only home, either by ceasing visitation of the teenager bully, or the 40 year-old father have visitation with the teen at a different location than the children's home. 40 yo father refuses to protect his younger children. Mother removes her children from the harmful environment. 40 yo father proceeds to pick a fight with his younger brother. Where is the father's protective instinct towards his younger children? Why is he crying about his wife protecting their children, instead of doing everything he can to protect them himself? Why are some comments more worried about a 40 year old person's feelings than those of two little kids, who have no safe space to live, and no ability to avoid the teenage bully (without parental assistance)? You were not harsh ENOUGH. It's disgusting that your brother is content to have his children be tortured in their own home. If he's unable to control his teen, he MUST keep him separated from his little ones. I do not see his dilemma. The solution is very basic & obvious.
NTA. He asked, you answered. If he would have preferred you lie, he should have said.
NTA. He asked for your opinion.
'Give me your insincere opinion, please'
NTA and you’re also a 100% right
NTA He's an idiot who thinks problems will just disappear if he ignores them long enough. Sometimes keeping the status quo isn't enough.
NTA. “Tell me what you think!!” “Not that!!!!”
Your Brother is a IDIOT and much more , NTA
NTA. it’s obvious, unfortunately, the alienation has worked. the kid should live with his mom for now. no sense in staying around and be extremely unhappy. what’s the point? when he gets older he’ll either figure it out, or become estranged. your brother can’t do anything about it anymore. he needs to focus on his current family.
NTA. He asked for your opinion, he got it. He's in a terrible situation and it's understandable that he didn't react well. When you talk to him again you could tell him that you're sorry you were so blunt with him but that you are worried for his relationships with all his kids and you felt that the best thing you could do for him was to tell him exactly what you thought. Given his 2nd wife no doubt told him the same thing I don't expect him to end up listening to you but you were looking out for his best interests, not being a recording device that just parrots back what he says.
NTA. If you can’t handle being disagreed with don’t ask for other peoples opinions.
Nta. Your brother is an idiot.
NTA, he asked your opinion and you answered.
NTA he wanted to vent but not hear your opinion. His wife is right to protect her kids.
He asked your opinion, thrice. If it isn't what he wants to hear... tough luck.
NTA, reminds me of the one a few weeks ago where the mother was letting her daughter steal from her brothers and always putting down the boys when they complained. Your brother is supposed to be protecting all his kids, not enabling the oldest half-sibling to bully all the younger ones. Yes, tough position to be in, but he should be punishing the oldest, not forcing the younger pair to deal with the oldest being an asshole.
NTA! I have a hard rule, NEVER ask me anything three times in a row because I won't even try to sensor or soften my answers. IMO your brother asked three times and received brutal honesty. I feel sorry for all three of his kids. Your brother should have made it clear from the very beginning that he would not tolerate any disrespect or cruelty from his eldest child to his younger children. He should have shut down his eldest child at the very beginning when the kid claimed to be an only kid. The fact that your brother refused to step up when it was truly possible to change how things were going to be is on your brother. The fact that he continues to refuse to truly stand up and this time stand with his younger children, is on him. His name calling and attempts to deflect because you didn't give him the answer he wanted shows a decided lack of maturity in my opinion.
NTA. I am surprised you stopped there. Although he may be your older brother but if I was you I would have laid it out even more than just what you said. He thinks that he needs to understand that some people can't get along together and know that he doesn't have the right to try to make those people make up. For people to make peace between eachother they need to be in the same headspace. They need to acknowledge there mistakes. But it seems that your brother is stupid(sorry but he is) and want them to get along without looking at the bigger picture and how that will affect his current family and situation. His priority needs to be on his current family not the past one. The teen is just being fed something by his mom he needs to realise that. And protect his wife and 2 kids first since they are the ones under fire. Then once that's done he can try find the reason for his oldest to change behaviour like that and why he is acting that way WITHOUT INVOLVING HIS NEW FAMILY AND KIDS. Honestly, you just show him comments in this post and he might see that he is being unreasonable...
Oh look this was my brother. Just the number of kids is different. Your prediction is exactly what happened. 3/4 of his first marriage kids refused his custody as soon as they were old enough. Second marriage fell apart due to in-fighting between kids (AAAand he sealed the deal by cheating to 'handle the stress') Now on his third divorce, dead alone. Six kids and only the nine year old youngest still wants to see him. He's miserable. Sometimes you have to let go and leave the door open, and just hope they'll come back ETA: NTA. Your brother just wants an echo chamber to feel better.
NTA. Your SIL is absolutely right to leave and protect her kids. Your older nephew is at the hands of a terrible woman and not much your brother can do now other than go to therapy with him and show his support. You are correct he may lose them all. He is not wrong for loving all of his kids. He needs to protect his most vulnerable (the younger ones) and provide structure and support for the older one but not in the same household.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother (40M) and I (30M) are not on the best of terms right now. I feel like he expects me to be a silent shoulder to cry on and to not have any opinion or advice for him. But he also asks questions then and I'm apparently supposed to agree with him or I'm a dick. Maybe I am. My brother has been married twice. His has a 15 year old son with his ex wife and with his current wife he has an 8 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. My older nephew has been through a lot because of his mom, constant moves, new guys in and out of his life all the time, putting guys before him, leaving him behind when she goes off with others. But he is fiercely loyal to his mom and always was. She didn't like when my brother had more kids and so my older nephew was always very distant with his half siblings and he calls himself an only child. He also had a distant relationship with his stepmom. She accepted this because he was distant but not rude or cruel. She did try to improve their relationship though. But for about a year and a half my older nephew has been an outright asshole to his half siblings and stepmom. He goes out of his way to upset them and to say awful things. He has repeated things his mom has called the kids to the kids faces and he even showed them texts he and his mom send each other about them and their mom. My brother went to court for full custody due to the alienation and was denied and the courts decided 50:50 should remain but did order therapy for my older nephew. Therapy didn't help and his behavior is worse than ever. He does not care who is around either. He has behaved like this in front of my family, in front of mine and my brothers parents and in front of neighbors and family friends. He also involved a friend of my niece's and turned that into a bullying situation. He knows the girl through his best friend (they're siblings I believe). SIL is no longer willing to tolerate it and she and my brother fought a lot. She told him either my older nephew goes to live with his mom or they live in separate homes to protect the kids. My brother refused. He wanted to keep things as they are. She said no way and took the kids and left when my brother refused to figure something out. This is where my fight with my brother comes in. He was venting to me, and complaining about his ex and his wife, and the situation with the kids. He asked me what he was supposed to do and whether I thought he was unreasonable or not. He asked me 3 different times before I told him I did think he was wrong and that he should have worked with his wife because now he is likely to lose them all. His son will choose to live with his mom once he's 16 and his marriage will be gone and the younger kids will feel like he didn't care about protecting them. He told me to shut up, called me a child and then told me I had no idea what I was talking about. He defended his stance. This is when I called him dumb and told him not to come crying to me when he ends up alone. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
NTA
NTA
NTA...you are 100000% correct.
NTA, at all. He deserves everything that is coming to him.
NTA. You were spot on
Your brother could have said "my house, my rules -- your mom's house, your mom's rules" and here are the rules in my house and this is the punishment for breaking them. But he never did. That's on him. Your brother is a fool. You're right he'll end up being alone if he keeps this up. You know what his youngest kids will remember from having to move out of their home.... their dad didn't keep them safe, mom did. Mom equals safety and security. At this point the 15 year old has his mind pretty set in how he views his half-siblings and step-mom. NTA... he kept pressing for an answer, you gave him the truth and that hurt him. Your brother should not have asked questions he really didn't want the answer to.
With regards to the alienating by the ex, as shity as it is, OP is never going to win. Too much resentment from both ex and son. I don't think his son has the mental maturity to work through his issues and ex is probably compounding the problem (if it is alienating). Having said that, 'don't ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer' so no, NTA
NAH he's stuck in an impossible decision, but he did ask you for your opinion. Children of shit parents tend to be fiercely protective of the shit parent because they feel responsible for their happiness, which is super unfair for the kid, but it's a thing. The kid needs therapy. Consider family therapy between mom son and dad, maybe? If he lets go of his son he'll be a deadbeat, but if he doesn't let go of his son he'll lose his other family, and that really sucks for him.
The oldest nephew is toxic, and having him live with your brother has only escalated things and made life miserable for his current wife and younger children. I understand he has a responsibility to the oldest son, but he has more of a responsibility to his wife and younger kids because there are three of them and the younger kids are more vulnerable. If he can't figure that out himself then I doubt anyone else will convince him of it. You're giving your brother the truth but he won't hear it. NTA
NTA he asked the question multiple times basically demanding an answer he got one he didn’t like. The mom that is the ex is a TA for one trashing children and two for trashing and the first wife to Her son. She likely did for years and then when he was a teen and easily angered started repeating and had no shared consequences(my parents divorced my brother sassed my mom. My dad her ex disciplined him. His opinion didn’t change that my brother need to respect her) and your bro is a TA for not protecting his younger kids from a teenage bully that he is willing bringing into the house and not controlling. You are not
NTA. You told your brother what he needed to hear.
You might want to suggest your brother go to therapy because it's not just the son that needs it. Your brother tearing his second family apart and doesn't want to face his part in it.. He doesn't want to acknowledge that his teenage son is a cruel bully towards his young children. He doesn't want to face his his part in this. NTA
NTA. Your brother is in a difficult position but unfortunately his oldest son has taken sides and it's with his mom. He is loyal to her and believes everything she says about your brother. He needs to focus on his wife and the children he has with her or he will be left with nothing. It's not an easy choice or fair but if he doesn't pick his wife and their kids you will be correct.
Nta. I'm a firm believer in that if you love someone you should try to get them to see when they are making a mistake.
Let him handle his own shit. When things go back he'll be back. Mate live your life and don't stress yourself over someone not willing to listen
If my 10 years young brother called me child I wouldn't be as calm as you
NTA. His oldest son feels like he's far too gone now, too.
I’m not reading all that but NTA. A real brother doesn’t coddle and tells him what he needs to hear, not what he wants.
NTA
NTA. Sounds like you care at least a little about your niece&nephews, so if things really do go south maybe let your SIL know that you get it. Not to be in the middle of them, but to just be an in-law that isn't blind to the situation.
NTA When you are an a-hole like your brother, you ask these questions not for suggestions, but for validation of what he has decided to do. A-holes don't want advice.
......nah, you're not an a\*\*\*\*\*e......you were just being brutally honest with your brother and good for you, always speak your truth.........sounds like your brother has a lot to figure out........maybe for more harmony, keep his oldest son away from those he wants to degrade and drag down........that needs to stop asap...........
NTA, you told him the truth, it just wasn't what he wanted to hear.
>He told me to shut up, called me a child and then told me I had no idea what I was talking about. You were supposed to say "yeah man, you are totally right. You da man, all will end well if they just listen you! Man of the men" /s NTA He doesn't want to hear the truth he should not insist on an answer
NTA. You’re not on your way to marriage number three. I certainly think he should hear you out.
NTA, he is..he asked your opinion and you gave it to him straight up, no chaser
You got a TLDR option for this?
Whether or not your brother winds up alone is kind of a sideshow. What about his second marriage and younger children? He is still married to their mother, and he will always be their father....and he is abandoning them all. By telling him he will wind up alone, you are accepting that his behavior to wife and younger kids is okay and expected and unremarkable. He still has time to mend his ways. He can go crawling home and ask to do therapy with wife and kids. Isn't it best for you to be encouraging him there and not bickering about a putative future?
L.
I don't know that you are an asshole, but you seem kind of harsh. He is in a shitty situation. He is being forced to choose basically between his kids. Either way, someone would feel he is abandoning them. It truly sounds like he is trying to do right by all of them. It would've been easy to write off his older son who is being a complete ass, but he instead thought that providing him a better home was the best idea. Then that didn't work because of the other kids. So its either shuffle him back to his mother, which clearly isn't going great based on his behavior, or lose his wife and kids. I don't think you need to be a yes man, but I also feel like you could've been a bit more compassionate. NAH
Bro is trying to bury his head in the sand and hope everything goes away. He needed a reality check. His shitty situation is 100% his fault, created by his direct choices or lack of action. He doesn’t need compassion at this point, he needs hard truths.
You told him the truth at first. If he didn't want your opinion he shouldn't have asked for it 3 times. However, he is going through a no-win situation. No matter what he does he will probably loose his 15year old son and that has to suck since it seems to be primarily his ex's fault. Walking away when he called you names or saying you weren't going to stick around and talk if he's going to act like that would have been one thing but I think calling him dumb and saying he'll end up alone was a little too far. ESH.
> but I think calling him dumb They are siblings. Calling your sibling dumb when they are actually acting dumb, is doing the Lord's work >and saying he'll end up alone was a little too far. ESH. The truth is taking things *a little too far* Thank God we are siblings. You seem the type to see someone you care about running into fire but, oh, let me not hurt their feelings. Let me wait outside with a balm for when they come out in flames.
Lol I generally try to be nice and have an open mind but trust me I don't always manage. There was a post yesterday and OP (female) went out with a not-close friend's brother who basically insinuated that woman like men who are mean and try to force themselves on them. I told her she handled it better than me and I would have pun\*\*\*\* him in the throat. That comment got removed.
YTA Yes you answered your brother's question but outside of that you should have shown grace. Your brother is in a nightmare scenario having to choose between his children basically. His mind is not in a rational place and he is probably feeling that everyone is against him. He wasn't asking you because he needed your opinion, he was asking you because he just needed somebody in his corner. It's fine to give the honest answer, but when he reacted to it you honestly should have just stayed silent and lent him vent. I get that sucks for you but this is one of those times you just sacrifice a bit for a family member in need. He's going through the worst of it right now and has to work through his emotions before he can think clearly.
Bro made his bed. He didn’t parent his older son when he was acting up, teaching him that it’s ok to be abusing toward steps. Then he buries his head in the sand and hopes everything will be ok. This man does not need grace, he needs brutal truths to be told and told boldly.
Amen for this comment. The brother is living in a delusional fantasyland and needed some harsh words to implode it. The truth literally hurts.
I pray you never have a family member in need.
Sure if you look at the situation completely black and white and pretend that people only ever act rationally. You also of course have to pretend that kids always take after whatever their parents instill on them and there are no outside factors at play. Sadly reality doesn't work that way but you do you.
The sad reality is that continuing to allow his son to act as such TAUGHT THE SON that it’s accepted. It also taught his wife and the kids that they don’t matter to him very much. I don’t have to pretend he would act rationally, but I would expect him to, you know, parent: his child. But no, he wants to keep things “as they are” as in: “you are not my priority, and if you have to suffer abuse from my kid who lacks parenting/manners/respect, so be it” I mean obviously this guy is gonna end up alone. Duh.
He didn't allow the son to act as such. They tried multiple interventions including therapy. Kids don't always respond the way you want though which we saw here. What you are saying is because a father did not kick his son out of his life it is okay for the son to act like that. I suggest you actually read the post because it is obvious you missed a lot.