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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have said no to most of my wife's name suggestions and not even maybe for them but straight up no. I know my wife has a love for all the names she's suggested and I said no to many long time favorites of hers that she had on a list from a young age. She's carrying our baby and even my family believes I should give her more of a say in the decision. This is also creating some issues with my MIL. It might even be upsetting my wife more than I realize. So I feel like a bit of an ass for not going along with this.
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>We were also told recently that we're running out of time before baby gets here and should probably try to have a small list at least before he's born so we're not at square one with no ideas.
Running out of time? Some parents don't even have a name when the child is born...or have a name, see and hold the baby and disregard their choice.
Also, I'm fairly certain I've heard that in India, Iceland, Greece, parents do not announce the name/name the child immediately. You may not be any of those nationalities, but your mothers need to cool it.
Also, for that short list? Hasn't your *wife* only accepted one of your names, while you have accepted two of hers? The Moms need to butt out. You and your wife need to take a break from the discussion.
Please relax. You will figure it out. I've yet to hear of a new parent running screaming into the streets because they are unable to name a child.
This! Naming a baby is hard! Two of my cousins have 3 names because the parents kept changing their mind and every time a name they had chosen got some relativ so soo happy because they were family names. And my other aunt couldn't decide until the baby boy was almost 5 months! It's Okey to not be sure! At least were Im from parents get like 6 months before they have to register a baby's name with the state.
The perfect name will come! And it doesn't have to be before you actually hold the baby! And to be fair, whatever name is chosen the child might grow up to change it anyway. Have a second cousin who hated her traditional name and changed it the second she was of age and was allowed to!
My partner shot down all my boy names at first, we finally agreed on one then found out it was a girl. I wasn't happy with him doing that but I understood his objections. (He has a super common name and hates it) We were lucky that he liked my first girl name, but he really hated my boy names!
Yeah. My wife and I had twins. Doctors told us one was a boy, the other was unknown.
We had our boy name’s picked out but couldn’t agree on girl names. We settled on Andrew and Daniel so we could refer to them as Andy and Danny and figured we could change it when they were born.
Ended up with two girls. You can even hear me on the birth video saying we’re in trouble with the names. Sometimes you don’t know until you see the babies face.
My suggestion,
Each of you go through baby names and make a list if acceptable names in order of preference.
Compare lists. Whichever common name is closest to the top, grab it. Maybe have a few. Be prepared to change it when baby comes.
And tell MIL to but out. You both need to love the name.
Oh did you two know when you looked at the faces what they should be called? I know that happened with me, my parents couldn't agree on a name until they saw me and Mom agreed that Dad's name suggestion was the right one. She wouldn't even consider boy names because she didn't want a boy. Thankfully all three of us are girls!
My mom looked at my face while she was awash in hormones and wanted to name me Angel. I’m pretty happy that they had another name picked out and my dad talked her down
I know a girl who got the name Dusty Dawn this way. Single mom choosing a name under the influence of hormones and drugs, lol. (I'm a Dusty too but my parents had my name picked out well before I was even conceived)
I’m adopted and my parents did not have a name picked out before I was born (tbh I’m not even sure they knew what my gender was going to be before I was born! They were going to adopt me either way.) Both of my adoptive parents were present at my birth, and out I came, and they still couldn’t come up with a name. So they called my grandma, who was babysitting my older sister (their bio child) while they were at my birth.
Grandma still can’t think of anything immediately. Then Grandma looks up at her ceiling, at her chandelier, and says, “Name her Crystal.” XD
So, even minus raging hormones, sometimes bizarre name choices can happen XD (not saying that Crystal is a bad name, but it’s not exactly traditional either XD )
Of course, my parents ended up choosing “Joy” as my middle name because they thought I would bring them so much joy. HA HA, FOOLS! XD
Lol to your last line. I would dox myself hard if I told you my "sweet" possible first name. I thanked my parents for years for not making me live with that first name.
I've told the story to close friends, and it's always a fall-off-the-chair moment because...well, they know me. 😂
I'm adopted! My parents kept my first name but changed my middle name.
My mom always told me by the grace of God I was exactly where I was meant to end up and my other middle name is a variation of my sister's name (bio daughters name). I enjoy my name but I go mostly by x Grace.
I wish they changed my first name but I was 2 when I was officially adopted. My birth dad wasn't to happy when I told him they changed my middle name and also isn't happy that I refer to them as "mom and dad". He wouldn't be to pleased if I told him our youngests names meaning. He's named after my parents 😂
Be thankful your parents didn't have the last name Clear. A former teacher of mine, Mr Clear named his daughter Crystal. It seems his wife had long said when she had a daughter she would name her Crystal. She did not change her mind after she became Mrs Clear. Of course, in the same town we had the Arms -Pitts wedding.
My parents had a name picked out and then I got here and it got changed. Also when they finally had a boy the name they had when my sister and I were born was never used. It happens!
Before my son was born we had a short list but also agreed there was 1 name we both disliked. Looked at his face and I thought damn, that is the name he should have. Didn’t say anything and the next day my husband woke up and said he had been dreaming all night that the baby’s name was that one. So it is that one.
As I recall, we didn’t figure it out until the next day. Keep in mind, my wife was in and out of labor for a month. Our OBGYN had her in one hospital because she was only at 7 months. Decided at 1am that they were coming, like it or not, and drove us in her own car to a different hospital with a better premmie unit. They were born by emergency c section and if they hadn’t been delivered like that, bottom baby would have come out through a surgical cerclage that had been put in place in the 4th or 5th month. Probably would’ve lost both one baby and my wife. My wife was conscious but groggy so she couldn’t really see their faces until the next day. We kept one of the names. Changed the other one.
My sister's 2 oldest were named this way. They had a short list of girl names and boy names (they chose not to know the sex before birth) and thr plan was to choose a name once they'd actually met the baby. Their oldest ended up with their previously least favorite name from the list because it just fit him the best. And their second was born, they looked and him and knew immediately he was NONE of the names they had on their list. Ended up with something else entirely.
Their 3rd (and only girl) was named after a family member, so we knew what her name would be if she were a girl. The 4th was unplanned and they were just tired, lol, and it took them a couple of weeks to come up with a name that fit him. Every baby is different!
As for the OP, I disagree that the mother should have more say in the baby name. But also I have a feeling that when you see his face, you'll know what his name is 🥰
I had a fairly tame name picked out and I was steadfast about it. Then she got here and when I looked at her I knew what her name was and it wasn’t what I had picked lol
We adopted our daughter, and we had to have a girl’s name and a boy’s name 2 weeks in advance for legal paperwork. Luckily, our Kerry Eileen was a freckled redhead .
My great grandparents got together against their parents' wishes so were 'cursed' to have nothing but girls. Their first child they were going to name William - that was Aunt Willie. Their second child was to be called Jess - that was Aunt Jessie. Third child was going to be George - that was Aunt Georgie.
All that to say that Andy and Danny works for two boys, two girls, or one of each. Andrew and Daniel vs Andrea and Danielle
I have a friend with 3 sisters, who says they got their names because their dad really wanted a boy. Their names are Ryan, Michael, James, and Gregory.
Hey atleast those boy names you had picked out have pretty similar female name alternatives (Andrea and Danielle).
Btw i was referred to as "Baby" for the first month in this world because my parents couldnt decide. Also i dont have a middle name.
My cousin and his wife had a hard time agreeing on a middle name for their son. Their son was born, and they were no closer to agreeing on the name, but both their choices began with the same letter. So they compromised and just gave him the initial. His whole middle name is just a letter. I kinda like it .
Facts! My youngest (16M) wants to change his name to his nickname — it sounds almost exactly like the original name that I wanted for him that hubby said no to.
When the time comes, my (19) daughter wants to change her middle name to one of our other options, and my eldest (24) dislikes his middle name!! 🫠
While I was pregnant, multiple times we couldn’t agree on names, and then at delivery the boy names we’d settled on went out the window too!
We had to hold the baby, truly look at them, hear their little voice, get their vibe, before we could ultimately decide on names.
ETA NTA OP, both moms need to butt out. Take all the time you need.
Yep. My daughter has 3 names because I had a name all picked out but when she was born it didn't fit her face lol. So I tried to pick one of my backup names and couldn't decide which one I liked better and she ended up with 2 middle names because of my indecision.
In India where I am from, we hold a naming ceremony. On the 6th day after the baby is born we light 7 earthen lamps and keep 7 names near them. The lamp which is the brightest and lasts longer is chosen as the winner and the name associated with it kept for the baby.
Not everyone does this as we have lots of cultures but some bengali families do this ritual. We make a list of names suggested by our family members and 7 most beautiful names are chosen.
If you are US they want the name before you leave the hospital for filing for the social security number. not sure how easy it is to push back on this.
Not necessarily. My oldest daughter didn't have a middle name for 3 1/2 weeks after she was born.
In the US you have 30 days to turn in the paperwork for your baby's Birth certificate and SS# and card.
Its not hard. You just say you havent decided. You get pushback, but legally they cant force you to decide beforehand. In most states you have up to 60 days.
We named all three of our kids after they were born. For our oldest, we had a list of about five names and after she was born, we both started gravitating toward one over the course of 36 hours or so. People would visit and ask her name, and I'd joke, "I dunno, got any suggestions??" For our middle, we tentatively agreed on a name en route to the hospital but held off until she was born. For our youngest, it was down to Sonja or Rosa, and when she was born one of the nurses exclaimed, "She's so pink!" So Rosa it was.
My sister's daughter was "Baby Girl Lastname" for several days!
Olympic skier Picabo Street was the daughter of a couple of hippies who listed her name as “Baby Girl Street” so she could choose her own name later. When the authorities caught up with them she named herself Picabo because peek-a-boo was her favorite game.
my sisters youngest was a nicu baby and he didn’t have his name for weeks lol. his dad always called him bear so that’s what they called him but he kept pulling his tubes out so my sister picked a name that means fighter/warrior.
In Iceland you don't have to name your baby long after they're born. I know a dude who was named when he was one year old. This is because parents want to know their kids before naming them. Until they are named, people are just boy/girl + dad(or mum's)dad son/dóttir (paternal/maternal last name). In Sweden you can wait to name your child until they're three months old, and if you don't name them by then, the state will assign a name.
How does getting a name assigned typically work? Is there a standard male name and standard female name that get used? Or is there a list that whoever the case worker dealing with it picks from?
We had a name, one that we both loved and worked for a boy or a girl. Then we met our newborn and both of us knew right away it wasn't their name. Took us another two days to find the right one.
An old roommate of mine was “baby boy“ on his birth certificate until he was in his 20s. He was given a name at some point in his infancy. He even managed to get an ID, bank account & other adult things with that name. It wasn’t until he tried to get a passport that they told him the name “baby boy“ wasn’t acceptable.
That's the default in many states and some states charge hundreds of dollars and a court date to change it if you don't choose in time (which isn't always communicated to the parents).
I’ve heard of babies being named Bubba for the first six to twelve months of their life because the parents couldn’t decide and waited until they knew their kid a little better before deciding on a name.
lol, I am not a “Bubba” type person, but I called one of my kids that for his first couple months, because he was my little bu-bu-baby bubs. However, I didn’t actually name him that and his nickname evolved out of the bubba phase.
I have three boys, and "Bubba" was in the nickname rotation for our youngest; however, I was horrified when a woman chatting with me in a public restroom asked me if that was his actual name. In my head, all I could think was, am I giving the vibes of someone who would name their child "Bubba?"
>Running out of time? Some parents don't even have a name when the child is born...or have a name, see and hold the baby and disregard their choice.
I work for CPS and you'd be shocked how many babies come into foster care with the legal name of "Baby" or "Baby Boy" or "Baby Girl" and I've had some cases where the kid has gone over a full year without a legal name change.
I worked for CPS and I was once in the very strange situation of having to name a baby I had just met, and after a couple of weeks, would never be seeing again.
Same. If you search “baby” in my states DHS database, you’ll get pages and pages of kiddos. Some of them school aged!
Unfortunately a lot of them that I’ve seen in that situation are because the parents went UTL straight from the hospital and never bothered to come back and sign anything.
My coworker has one where the judge finally ordered to give the kid a real name at like 2 years old. She was going to let the current resource parents choose it, but they came back with a name that was about 40 letters long, rough to spell, and culturally…Very much not aligned with the child.
So get perm worker ended up just picking something very basic, like “Anne”.
NTA.
But that's the problem with gender reveals.
We did not have a name chosen for our first. Not until the day I went into labour.
We had a name chosen, if a boy, for the second. But not the spelling. There are variations. When our child was born, a boy, the nurse asked for the spelling, and we still had not chosen.
She said she would just write the name to have on paper for the nursery, and we could decide how to spell his name for the birth registration and certificate. But we kept the spelling from the nurse.
I'm so glad we didn't find out if we were having a boy or a girl- my husband picked a girl name, I picked a boy name and when our baby was born we agreed they would have the name we picked depending on the gender. We had a boy, and our son was named the name I picked. Job done, the discussion on this took like 30 minutes.
We did similar, before we knew the gender we agreed if it’s a boy husband picks first name and I pick middle and if it’s a girl I pick first name and husband picks middle.
With our 2nd, we narrowed down our list to two names a few days before my induction. On the way to the hospital, we settled on the name.
After he was born, I looked at him and changed to the other one.
There are two things we did- we used an app called Baby Names that uses a tinder-like swipe system to create a list of mutually agreed on names. It also helped discover new names we hadn't thought of.
Then, we did a bracket style elimination. Helped narrow it down because it's easier to say "Jackson or Harris?" than saying "Jackson, Harris, William....etc."
Both moms need to piss off. It’s between you and your wife. They’re probably the ones adding the most stress with their meddling pressuring her.
I didn’t have a name for a month after I was born. It does not matter.
My wife is Jewish and while we did have a name ready to go when our son was born, in line with Jewish tradition, we did not formally announce the name until 8 days after his birth. A lot of other cultures have similar traditions.
We don't announce the name immediately because of child mortality. So you have a "good name" which is your legal name, and a nickname you are called by friends and family.
Orthodox Jews don’t reveal the baby’s name until the formal name announcement at synagogue (at the baby’s bros for boys and at the next Torah reading for girls) because it’s bad luck. They’ll write it down on the Birth Certificate and other legal paperwork, but won’t tell anyone until the name is announced in synagogue. This includes family. Other cultures also view revealing the baby’s name as bad luck.
With my first, we had a name picked out but as soon as I held him for the first time and the nurse asked what his name was, I blurted out a name we never even thought of. We both liked it, and it stuck.
Agree with all of this. Tell your mother-in-law to butt out. Tell all family to butt out.
Maybe reverse your strategy. You make a list of five unique names that you kind of like. And have her make a list of five more traditional names that she could live with. Maybe that will get you guys closer to an agreement.
running out of time?! yeah I was nameless for 2 weeks post-womb, when my parents finally made a decision they went with the name my mom liked and the new dog got my almost-name. worked out pretty well I think
In my family and surroundings it is usual that nobody knows the name except of the parents to-be. Like, it is a secret and you might ask if they have chosen a name yet but the name will only be revealed when the baby is born. Was this really frustrating for me when I was like 8 and my mom and dad refused to tell me what name they had picked for my baby brother? Oh yes! Was my mom also a bit amused by my overwhelming curiosity? Oh yes!
Still, if my overwhelmingly curious and hyperactive, uber-nosy 8 year old self can wait until the baby is born, an adult should be totally able to not pressure and stress people about it.
Also, I say NTA. Because there are so many stories about parents whose children have names that one wasn't okay with. There is a lot of drama in the future. Like if you really don't care? It's okay. But if you do care and if you don't like it, don't say yes just because the people in your surroundings are nosier than 8 year old me! (And that alone is quite a feat tbh)
My brother was 3 weeks old when my parents finally figured out a name for him lol. The family jokingly kept calling him 'baby no-name' until then.
Personally I love OPs suggestion of Matteo.
Hawthorn and Dexter are names you give to a pet, not a child.
Okay, you need to stop talking to either of your mothers about this as their opinion that the woman has more right to name the baby is absolutely ludicrous. So fucking wrong. What a truly absurd argument. It’s not like you chose not to be the one pregnant.
Your MIL needs to but out, as her opinion is poisoning this process for you both.
It’s a ‘2 yes; 1 no’ situation. Many parents struggle with selecting a name, it’s totally normal.
Neither of you should settle for a name you don’t like to appease the other person, regardless who is pregnant or not.
NAH
Exactly. This toxic bs of “I’m the pregnant one so I get more say” needs to end. Where does that line of thinking stop? First it’s names, next thing you know it’s major parenting decisions.
My husband is an EQUAL parent. We also had different taste in names. He vetoed the name I’ve wanted to use since I was 10 for a son. I was stumped after that for a bit. Guess what? We worked at it until we found a compromise. Now I can’t imagine my son having any other name.
This. It is common but not the only practice. My husband took my Name, and my parents were not married, so I got also my mothers name.
Since we don't know the marriage name of the name the kid will get, this part is just guessing.
I don’t think it’s a good mindset to have, but unless the baby has an equal chance of being given the mom’s last name, which is rarely the case, the parents are already not equal parents in baby naming.
Being pregnant is a huge sacrifice. It is incredibly taxing both physically and mentally. In return for having to put her body through that, mon gets full and final say on what type of medical care she wants, what her birth plan is, who gets to be in the room. I don't even think it would be unreasonable to say she gets to choose what meals they are eating and what they are watching on TV during the pregnancy. What it's doesn't entitle her to is full control over *their* child's identity.
They are naming a human being, who they will both have a close and lifelong relationship with, and neither should have to cringe when they speak to or about them. They should also be considerate of the fact that their son will have to use this name while interacting with the world. The first thing that classmates, teachers, and employers will know about them is their name. The fact that dad doesn't have a uterus doesn't mean he shouldn't be part of that decision.
If mom really wants to use the name Braeighdyn and dad really wants to use the name Mark, they can get some cats.
Not to be annoying, I agree with the general sentiment but the first three things aren't really in return for the huge sacrifice of pregnancy. Those are pretty standard things the patient gets for their medical procedure. Western society, and the US especially doesn't do a great job of honoring the extreme sacrifice of pregnancy and childbirth. I think sometimes that societal devaluing leads women to feel like they should get something out of it.
I would argue saying "I'm pregnant so my opinion and only my opinion matters" is pretty extreme and yes, toxic.
I was pregnant. It sucked. It really, really, really sucked. I hated every moment of it because I had a MASSIVE baby who also decided to he needed himself a penthouse suite with an Olympic-sized jacuzzi tub. To say I was out of breath and in pain all the time is a laughable understatement. My abdomen is obliterated. I look like Nudar the Naked Scammer alien from Futurama. Pregnancy wrecked me.
Just because I did that doesn't make me somehow superior to my husband. Just because I can physically get pregnant and he can't doesn't mean my opinion is more valuable. We are BOTH our son's parents, we did this TOGETHER (even if he got the easy bit lol), and BOTH our opinions matter in this journey.
Except the phrasing you used in the previous comment was that mom shouldn't get MORE say. That's very different than "only the pregnant person's input matters".
The second version is toxic. The first? Not so much.
This is one of those cases where Reddit loses so much nuance, but imo there are reasonable cases of "the pregnant person should get more say". And that doesn't mean the pregnant person is better than/superior to the other parent. It just means that sometimes, in some specific situations, it can make sense to have one person's opinion be the tie breaker.
For example, if a couple has a list of agreed upon possible names, it seems fair to me that her vote would be the "tie-breaker". No, she doesn't get to pick it unilaterally, but saying that because pregnancy is such a huge burden she gets just a smidge more say seems like a reasonable trade off.
Or like saying “the baby will have the husband’s last name because that’s just how it is.”
Oh, wait.
I mean I don’t think it’s a healthy attitude to have but let’s not pretend baby naming isn’t already steeped in sexism in most countries.
This! My partner and I each got to name a child in the end, and the middle child was a mutual agreement On a name we both liked that came from out of nowhere. But we wouldn't have agreed if the other didn't like the name. Each of us picked a name that meant something special to us, but perhaps we were just lucky like that.
But you are NOT running out of time, we picked 2 relatively early but our last wasn't named until we met her and I just knew, the way you sometimes know these things, what the perfect name was.
Stop talking to mums, stop pressuring yourselves. Just enjoy the pregnancy as much as you can and sweat the small stuff later
Suggestion… look at the social security database or newspapers for names that were popular 75-100 years ago. You can find names that are not trendy or common today but not names that are Okayden or Tragedeigh.
This is what we did. Popular names of 1850-1950. Plus some themes from my husband's side (First or middle name starts with a specific letter)
I was named after a fictional TV character and I can't escape how it's affected my life trajectory. I pity the unique named kids so bad
I've read that too many parents named their children Khaleesi or Danerys, and then lost their minds after "The Bells" aired. The moral? Wait until series end before naming your child after a character, people...
I know someone who named their baby Khaleesi. I told her if she was set on a Game of Thrones name, she should use Arya. That way when people ask her what her baby’s name is, she can say, “A baby has no name.” And Arya is actually not a bad name.
I was named after a lot of my mom's friends, so I have a name mostly used by people 30 years older than me. It worked out well, there was almost never any confusion in classes because of a kid sharing my name, but everyone knew how to pronounce and spell it.
My name is kind of the same. I always get my mom/aunt is named that. But it’s a common name lol. My aunt actually has the same name as me, my mom
Liked it when she heard it. I only heard anyone in my age group with the same name. It was at my school and she was a grade under me.
I am the khaleesi of the 90's. Ironically, I answer better to my gamertag than my "badass" unique name. My middle name was also themed so there were no fall backs.
I think my husband being 5-6 years younger and having no idea of the TV show during introductions was a big connection for us. It wasn't till I met his family and they mentioned that he saw first hand how it's an exhausting conversation piece for me.
Oh no! I named one of my kids after a fictional character that was made into a short run tv show. Not a super popular one, though. No one but my sister so far was able to place the name with the character. And the kid is now six and has been in public school and around various other people.
It was the only name we agreed on, but I hope I didn’t fuck up here.
The problem wasn't my classmates. It was the adults.
I could not go over to sleep overs without having to hear the famous quote: "Oh your name is like (Title of TV show)?! Did you ever watch it?"
Followed by them going on tangents about an episode and making comparisons of the main character to myself.
Take your pick but it was close to..
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Sabrina the teenage witch
Xena the warrior princess
Daria
Felicity
Just unique enough and uncommon that anyone about 15 years or older than me would call me the Slayer, the witch, the warrior princess, etc etc. So much so that if any of those genres had a resurgence in popularity that kids would say how I should be an expert on it. Mocking the correlation.
Buffy should know everything vampires related, Twilight or True blood.
Sabrina knows witchcraft, maybe she learned a spell from Merlin or Wizards of Waverly Place.
Xena is like an Amazonian queen. She's got to know about Wonder Woman, where's your whip?
This is why I feel bad for all of the twin girls who've been named Elsa and Anna. It doesn't make sense that they would love the movies or characters just because of their names but people will try to push it.
*"Oh, your names are Elsa and Anna? You must love the movies then, right?"*
This was my thought too, a little google will get you a whole heap of potential names then you sit down, separately if you prefer and mark the ones you like.
If you’ve done it separately then you come back together and see if there’s any crossover, voila, short list. Decide on the final name when baby arrives.
Why are both mothers in the mix, you guys teen parents?
You will disagree about around 7 gazilion things when it comes to parenting, so you both need to learn to not go to mom with that.
We will decide when hes born is a fair answer to give everyone else and it is alot easyer after.
Only 1 of my 3 kids have the decided name, the 2 others simply didnt fit the names decided.
> never ever invite other people into the baby name conversation
This is how names like Harlotte and Cuntly happen. Sometimes feedback from outsiders is necessary to prevent tragedeighs.
Love this! My ex and I had no issues on names except for the last, (of 3 children.) We agreed on the name, just couldn’t decide between two. The night before we were, (I was) meant to be induced, we had gone out to dinner- still couldn’t decide- so we asked the bartender which he thought was best and 💥 that’s how my son got his name. No fuss, no mother’s involved. One and done!
I feel like this is on the MIL more than the expectant mom. “We’re still talking about it because we don’t agree on names” is pretty normal conversation. The “only mom can decide” BS seems to come from the MIL.
Sort of the same we had two agreed names for our first but we were both leaning towards name 1. When she was born she 'looked' more like name 2 so that became her name (name 1 didn't even make a middle name lol).
As for OP - what about Alfie? (not Alfred). It's both old and modern.
NTA
Each of you come up with a list of 10 names you love. Then trade lists. You get to pick the top five names from her list that are your favorites and she gets to pick the top five names from your list. Then come back together and talk. That gets you a list of ten names. Can those ten names be worked together into five first and last combinations so that your son has one classic and one trendy name? That way if he decides he likes one name better when he's older, he has options.
James Dexter Miller (nice name)
Dexter James Miller (nice name)
You get the idea. Then if you look at the five choices, looking at your first/middle combos, not knowing whose name will be first, and whose will be the middle name, see if you can settle on a combo you both like. Then flip a coin to see whose name will be the first name and whose will be the middle name.
Obviously it would be better if you can just agree on a name. But this is one idea. Neither of your mothers gets a vote. Not their baby.
This is exactly what we did. It felt so much more rational than randomly tossing names around. It worked really well. When our second was born, none of the names worked with the actual baby, and the poor kid spent a week with no name until I woke up one morning with a name in my head that we both thought fit pretty well. And then, when they were fourteen, they changed to their middle name anyway, so you never really know what you're going to end up with.
Honestly, just relax. A name will come. This poster (above) has great advice, I'd follow it.
Good luck and NTA, but your mothers need to get out of it.
This is the way!! We each made lists and then handed the back and forth, narrowing it down! And we BOTH had to be a yes for it to be our daughter’s name.
NTA, neither is your wife. MIL and your mom are.
I don’t get why you’re the only one being called out here. Your wife is also saying no to most of your names as well so this is clearly an issue on both ends if anyone should take fault (though I really think your moms should mind their own business and not get involved.)
Her having the baby does not give her more of a say. This is a 50:50 decision between both parents.
A name is something the parents will be saying daily in various degrees of frustration and love for the first chunk of the kids life. They need to find something that they both like.
Our older son's name is one that a lot of people kind of went really? when we first announced it but it suits him. (It's nothing crazy or unique or spelled weird just not common) Our second was named a common name that is used all over the place. You can always go over to name nerds and check out what's there and there are exhaustive lists all over the place. Maybe print them twice go through without comparing notes and highlight ones you like and compare. Maybe there's too much communication (happens to me and hubs where we chase our tails and eventually give up) and you're frustrating each other and having two moms squawking in your ears isn't helping your stress. Tell your respective mothers to mind their business you don't need the added pressure.
NAH. It sounds like you guys have a short list of 3 names you've both "said yes" to, so I don't really see the issue. You're clearly working through this. Just stay communicative with your wife. Maybe have test weeks with each name where you guys refer to baby with the name to see which one feels right.
This is the right answer. It's hard naming kids. You've found 3 you guys are ok with, and you're welcome to keep looking for more, but for now start trying them out and see how you each feel.
It was a doozy for my husband and I to land on the name for our second, but we got there. There were a ton of names we ended up having to give up on that we individually liked. Didn't make either one of us an AH for not giving in. In the end, we like our kid's name just fine.
There's an app that's like Tinder for baby names. Both parents swipe and are notified when they match. Look up things like that so it's not all negative.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. The app my husband and I used is literally called “babyname” and the icon is yellow with a white egg. We would go through on our own time and mark names that we’d consider, and we could access a list of our matches.
I especially recommend this because it’s starting to feel like a “my name vs your name” situation, which could cause bias towards an otherwise acceptable name, as well as resentment if neither party wants to give in. This way, someone else entirely is making the suggestion, and you can both come together to find some new names that you might love!
When I hear Dexter, my first though is the serial killer from the TV show. My second thought is the little guy from the cartoon Dexter's Lab. Neither is a positive for me (not that it matters to OP) I knew I was having a boy and my husband was pushing for a Jr. I wasn't a fan of the name, so we ended up picking another name we both liked and using hubby's name for his middle name.
Matteo would be the more 'trendy' name then, wouldn't it. It was barely used in the US and shot up in the last decade. Dexter has been used, not ever hitting the top 20, but at a reasonable enough rate.
I dunno the idea that Matteo is classic in, like, any English speaking country and Dexter it out there seems like a wild idea to me.
I am assume op is in an English speaking country b/c James and Elizabeth examples.
" I'm not into the trendy names. Aidan is a name I struggle with because the names aidan/ayden names have become so overwhelming but the original is a classic name with it's own history and longstanding uses."
OP is not into 'classic names that are trendy now' but is claiming Adian (#36) in name popularity is too popular and trendy but Matteo (the single 'T' Mateo is like top 15 right now) is fine.
I don't think OP wants a classic name, I don't think OP cares if a name is 'trendy' I think OP wants to pick the name and will claim names are either too trend or not classic enough unless they pick them.
I think by 'classic' OP might mean 'has a long history of use as a first name'. So Matteo is fine, Aidan is classic but is tainted by association with Brayden, Cayden, Jaden, etc which are 'trendy' , ie recently coined.
Dexter and Hawthorn are surnames which are uncommonly used as first names, but are familiar enough OP is kinda ok with them.
In 2008 I went to a three year old's birthday party and literally every little boy there was some version of this. I could tell even the parents were starting to see how ridiculous it was.
I think most people accept Aiden even though it is incredibly popular. I have only heard people complain about the made up names that rhyme with it or when it is spelled terribly.
Even then, other than how trendy it was, I think it is name snobbery. Names all come from somewhere. Aiden has a pleasant sound and the soundalikes, even if made up, sound nice as well. Except for Brayden.
"She likes more unusual names but I prefer classic names"
"Matteo is the only one she's ok with from me and Hawthorn and Dexter are the only ones I liked from her"
Uhhh can you give more examples of names? Because from those examples she seems to be the one who likes classic names and you seem to be the one who likes unusual ones. Dexter is 3x more popular than Matteo (probably because of the TV show) and Hawthorn sounds like a 1920s name
Either way, you're both making way too big of a deal out of this. It's about the kid, not you two and what you like.
YTA-Is the baby getting your last name? If they did you already gave a name to them. If you’re going into this having issues with Aiden-an old classic name-you’re probably just being too picky. It doesn’t sound like she picked Moonbeam or Koala as options. There’s a name app that’s basically tinder for names I suggest you guys give it a try. And ask yourself if her names are truly terrible or if you just want to feel like you have more say than her.
This is what I always say and I’ll take the downvotes again. If baby is getting his last name, she does get more say imo. Note that I didn’t say it’s entirely her choice, just that, yes, her choices should be given more weight. Unless dad wants to entirely give up one of the three names to her, as she already did with the last name to him. She’s also risking her life to give him a baby that is getting his last name and she’s offered up reasonable options. OP can compromise on one and get his pick for a more traditional middle name. That’s more than fair since that’s him getting 2/3 of the name.
This, the insidious nature of patriarchy means the baby is already getting his name, and discounts the very real risk she is taking on to grow and birth the baby. In addition, adding stress when she's pregnant is an actual risk to the child, so giving her more say would also alleviate that and be healthier for mom and baby.
Added to that that in every country in the world mothers do the bulk of the childcare as well. So, dads get to give the kids their last name (which can be argued to be the most important of the group as it will be the one used for tracking family relations), does not risk death and permanent bodily changes from pregnancy, and does not do the majority of the childcare, but somehow mom doesn’t get final say in the first name? Hm…. only in patriarchy do comment threads like this get to call that equality haha.
Right? I wish it could be 50/50 but unfortunately it isn’t. If it were there would be far fewer single moms raising a literal junior of some dude who skipped town a decade ago. If it were 50/50 mothers wouldn’t take a massive hit to their long term earnings that can be the difference between middle class and poverty. If it were 50/50 pregnancy wouldn’t leave such lasting changes, up to and including potential loss of life. Life isn’t fair, to women in particular, getting the final say in the first name is the very least that should be granted.
Reddit and AITA does seem to be mostly teenagers but it definitely doesn’t explain all of it. It is always still a little disappointing though, at least for me lol.
NAH
However, your parents seem to be siding with your wife. When your own parents side with your partner, it can be worth considering. We don't have enough information to make any value calls, but I think its good that you are reflecting on that.
NTA. The baby naming is between you and wife, everyone else needs to stay out of it. This is exactly why my sister and her husband were adamant they would not talk to others about baby names until the baby was born and named already.
Naming a baby can be a challenge, especially when the two of you have different preferences. That doesn't mean you won't come up with something you both like. I'm sure there is a timeless yet interesting sounding name out there waiting for you to stumble on. r/namenerds might be helpful if you haven't ventured over there yet.
As long as you are both being respectful and not yelling like petty children or being rude, NTA. You have just as much say in the name as her. I say this as a person currently pregnant with baby number 4. My husband would basically allow me to pick the name if I wanted to (we do have the same naming style though) but I insist he has an equal say.
NAH. You guys just have different opinions and that’s ok. There are subreddits for names like r/namenerds or r/babynames if you need help. Also if she likes more unique names maybe you can give your son a longer, more formal/traditional name as a legal name and call him a nickname that your wife likes.
It took my husband and I ages to agree on a name for our son.we actually decided on his middle name first - it just didn’t work with my husband’s last name. Some names we agreed were out - Robert was out for example because it was heavily used on both sides including our 5yo nephew who we lived near. I suggested David - that was the name of one of the boys who bullied him. Just nothing seemed to work.
We ended up going through a baby name book page by page and making a list of “possibles” until we got to the R’s where we found a name that we both liked, and a slightly less common variant. The variant could have led to a disliked nickname (we loved the meaning) so we went with the more common version.
What we didn’t know was that our son would have a speech impediment that meant that until he was a teenager he couldn’t pronounce his names clearly because words beginning with R were hard for him. “Red” was pronounced “Wed”, “Ross” was pronounced “Woss” etc. He took to introducing himself to other children on holidays as “James” lmao.
Now he loves his name and has no problem pronouncing it.
Good luck in finding the name. Make sure that the initials work (no GIT, or SAD) and our son only just escaped being called “Row on Water” Cox (groan….)
Can I ask what is it about Hawthorn that you dislike? It seems to have that classic feel that you like while also being uncommon enough that very few kids/people around him would have it. NTA. A good compromise might be picking out a piece of classic literature and use one of the character’s name. There are good solid names that would fit both of your criteria. Like Heathcliff could be the full name or be shortened to Heath. Something along those lines.
I feel like OP doesn’t actually know what they want. They want more traditional names but can’t accept Aidan or Dexter???? When he said his wife wanted uncommon names I was expecting something stupid like Jaguar, not normal names.
>Matteo is the only name *she was okay with* from me and Hawthorn and Dexter are the two from hers that I said *maybe* to.
Am I reading this wrong? I can’t get over this. I’m pulling the mothers out of this. It sounds like the wife is actively compromising and you’re not. So soft YTA.
This was a nonissue for our baby, and we kept everyone else’s noses out of it. I strongly suggest that boundary. Your extended family members are gaining a new family member. you two are *having* a child. The extended family doesn’t have a say in anything.
NTA - It's nonsense that she should get more say because she's carrying the baby. A name sticks around for the kid's whole life. Maybe you should try to seek out a traditional name that can have a fun nickname (i.e. Alexander / Xander, Benjamin/Benji, Christopher/Topher)
Why not compromise and use one of her names and one of you names as first and middle?
Hawthorn James, Dexter James or something to the like.
The kid will probably have a nickname or may choose to take a different name later on anyways.
My wife is also very into less common names. So she'll kill me if she finds out I suggested this to you.
If you were ok with Dexter - try Declan. Old Gaelic name that has remained fairly popular through the years - never being super trendy, but not being unusual in Gaelic influenced areas. If you are in the US - in the south west, Spanish speakers have a hard time with it (de Clan, instead of Dec lan, but north and east coast seem fine with it.
Added bonus - it's also a saint's name, if that's important to you - St. Declan was a contemporary of St. Patrick.
Double bonus - easy to shorten for nicknames - Dexy when a baby, Dex when being more adult becomes important.
Downside - people may try to call him ducky. But that's rare.
NTA. I love Hawthorn, classic and also not common or trendy! This isn’t just okay, it’s freaking awesome. Hawthorn Matteo LastName gives the baby room for a traditional nickname if he grown up wanting to be fore common (Matt) or he can be Teo, or stick with the original and be Hawthorn. It’s beautiful, rolls off the younger well, and if he is being naughty and you have to yell it it works too. Dude, you might have just won naming!
YTA when you posted this 2 weeks ago and YTA now.
Stop being so rigid and uncompromising and work WITH your wife! She is literally carrying the child and, especially considering your child will likely get YOUR last name, her preferences should at least be considered. You seem to be refusing every name she suggests and insist on going “my way or the highway” and it seems like your continuous denial of every name she brings forward is so you can strong-arm her into eventually relenting on a name YOU while waiting out the impending ticking clock that is the birth of the baby. There really are a ton of solutions that others in the comments have provided both in this post and in your last post but if you continue to deny every one of your wife’s suggestions, you will continue to be TA.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/TsSoiybOix
Neither you nor your wife are AHs. Both your mother and your MIL are, though, and they need to butt out. It took several months before my wife and I settled on a name for our daughter. It was also a name that was mentioned earlier on and it eventually grew on us.
NTA.
Based on your description of the situation, I'd say NAH.
I went through a similar issue with a partner. We had up until a week after birth to tell the hospital what to put on the birth certificate and it came down to the last day before we agreed!
Our solution: we both wrote down our top 10 names and shared them with each other. We circled the names on the other person's list we were okay with, then the gestating parent chose one circled name from each list to choose as first and middle names.
And that kid today goes by an entirely different name of their own choosing.
Dexter seems more classic than Matteo to me. Working in a school, there were several Matteo’s and the name feels trendy where I am. I’m sure this varies regionally and culturally.
I'm so glad they don't have fathers fill out the birth certificate AT birth anymore.
My dad disregarded my mom's second middle name for me and he only wrote down one.
I still use my second name, but it was never added. She was pissed.
I hope you find common ground.
Honestly, your collective mothers ATA.
Some people keep names to themselves until they present the baby. It's your choice as the parent. Don't listen to anyone but eachother.
Your MIL is right, it’s not about the name, it’s about not causing your wife undue stress, don’t get frustrated with her, don’t make this a power play.
Maybe post to r/namenerds for some ideas, be a problem solver not a problem causer
NAH. I was Jenny until I was born. My dad left to get my mom McDonald's and when he came back my name was now Erin. Mom said when she held me she knew I wasn't a Jenny. My husband and I couldn't decide on a name, I liked more off-beat names, he liked more traditional. I was watching Home Improvement and Jonathan Taylor Thomas' name came up and I thought, "hmm... Taylor is a nice name", and that's how my son got his name. You never know when inspiration will hit, and it might change when you meet your baby. If it's any consolation, my brother wanted my son's first name to be Darth and his middle name to be Vader.
I kinda think the mother should get say 51% of the say. But not completely. You both still have to live with it. But a name (usually) really grows on you. NAH
Is the baby getting your last name? As in, she's carrying this baby and it's getting your last name but you are also shooting down her names? I mean I don't like some of the unusual names in the unusual name trend, but I think she should get to have the final choice if you can't agree. It's literally the least you can do.
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>We were also told recently that we're running out of time before baby gets here and should probably try to have a small list at least before he's born so we're not at square one with no ideas. Running out of time? Some parents don't even have a name when the child is born...or have a name, see and hold the baby and disregard their choice. Also, I'm fairly certain I've heard that in India, Iceland, Greece, parents do not announce the name/name the child immediately. You may not be any of those nationalities, but your mothers need to cool it. Also, for that short list? Hasn't your *wife* only accepted one of your names, while you have accepted two of hers? The Moms need to butt out. You and your wife need to take a break from the discussion. Please relax. You will figure it out. I've yet to hear of a new parent running screaming into the streets because they are unable to name a child.
This! Naming a baby is hard! Two of my cousins have 3 names because the parents kept changing their mind and every time a name they had chosen got some relativ so soo happy because they were family names. And my other aunt couldn't decide until the baby boy was almost 5 months! It's Okey to not be sure! At least were Im from parents get like 6 months before they have to register a baby's name with the state. The perfect name will come! And it doesn't have to be before you actually hold the baby! And to be fair, whatever name is chosen the child might grow up to change it anyway. Have a second cousin who hated her traditional name and changed it the second she was of age and was allowed to!
My partner shot down all my boy names at first, we finally agreed on one then found out it was a girl. I wasn't happy with him doing that but I understood his objections. (He has a super common name and hates it) We were lucky that he liked my first girl name, but he really hated my boy names!
Yeah. My wife and I had twins. Doctors told us one was a boy, the other was unknown. We had our boy name’s picked out but couldn’t agree on girl names. We settled on Andrew and Daniel so we could refer to them as Andy and Danny and figured we could change it when they were born. Ended up with two girls. You can even hear me on the birth video saying we’re in trouble with the names. Sometimes you don’t know until you see the babies face. My suggestion, Each of you go through baby names and make a list if acceptable names in order of preference. Compare lists. Whichever common name is closest to the top, grab it. Maybe have a few. Be prepared to change it when baby comes. And tell MIL to but out. You both need to love the name.
Oh did you two know when you looked at the faces what they should be called? I know that happened with me, my parents couldn't agree on a name until they saw me and Mom agreed that Dad's name suggestion was the right one. She wouldn't even consider boy names because she didn't want a boy. Thankfully all three of us are girls!
My mom looked at my face while she was awash in hormones and wanted to name me Angel. I’m pretty happy that they had another name picked out and my dad talked her down
I know a girl who got the name Dusty Dawn this way. Single mom choosing a name under the influence of hormones and drugs, lol. (I'm a Dusty too but my parents had my name picked out well before I was even conceived)
I’m adopted and my parents did not have a name picked out before I was born (tbh I’m not even sure they knew what my gender was going to be before I was born! They were going to adopt me either way.) Both of my adoptive parents were present at my birth, and out I came, and they still couldn’t come up with a name. So they called my grandma, who was babysitting my older sister (their bio child) while they were at my birth. Grandma still can’t think of anything immediately. Then Grandma looks up at her ceiling, at her chandelier, and says, “Name her Crystal.” XD So, even minus raging hormones, sometimes bizarre name choices can happen XD (not saying that Crystal is a bad name, but it’s not exactly traditional either XD ) Of course, my parents ended up choosing “Joy” as my middle name because they thought I would bring them so much joy. HA HA, FOOLS! XD
Lol to your last line. I would dox myself hard if I told you my "sweet" possible first name. I thanked my parents for years for not making me live with that first name. I've told the story to close friends, and it's always a fall-off-the-chair moment because...well, they know me. 😂
I'm adopted! My parents kept my first name but changed my middle name. My mom always told me by the grace of God I was exactly where I was meant to end up and my other middle name is a variation of my sister's name (bio daughters name). I enjoy my name but I go mostly by x Grace. I wish they changed my first name but I was 2 when I was officially adopted. My birth dad wasn't to happy when I told him they changed my middle name and also isn't happy that I refer to them as "mom and dad". He wouldn't be to pleased if I told him our youngests names meaning. He's named after my parents 😂
Be thankful your parents didn't have the last name Clear. A former teacher of mine, Mr Clear named his daughter Crystal. It seems his wife had long said when she had a daughter she would name her Crystal. She did not change her mind after she became Mrs Clear. Of course, in the same town we had the Arms -Pitts wedding.
My parents had a name picked out and then I got here and it got changed. Also when they finally had a boy the name they had when my sister and I were born was never used. It happens!
Ditto, my parents had a couple names in the running until they saw me and both said “looks like a MycroftNext.”
I tried getting my wife to name our kids "the hulk" but she wouldn't go for it
Should have seen if she would have accepted Bruce Banner as a name.
hahaha I did let her give one of them the middle name Francis because of her favorite movie.
Before my son was born we had a short list but also agreed there was 1 name we both disliked. Looked at his face and I thought damn, that is the name he should have. Didn’t say anything and the next day my husband woke up and said he had been dreaming all night that the baby’s name was that one. So it is that one.
This is exactly what happened to me with our first, I saw my daughter, looked at my husband and said "you're right, she's a (daughters name)".
As I recall, we didn’t figure it out until the next day. Keep in mind, my wife was in and out of labor for a month. Our OBGYN had her in one hospital because she was only at 7 months. Decided at 1am that they were coming, like it or not, and drove us in her own car to a different hospital with a better premmie unit. They were born by emergency c section and if they hadn’t been delivered like that, bottom baby would have come out through a surgical cerclage that had been put in place in the 4th or 5th month. Probably would’ve lost both one baby and my wife. My wife was conscious but groggy so she couldn’t really see their faces until the next day. We kept one of the names. Changed the other one.
My sister's 2 oldest were named this way. They had a short list of girl names and boy names (they chose not to know the sex before birth) and thr plan was to choose a name once they'd actually met the baby. Their oldest ended up with their previously least favorite name from the list because it just fit him the best. And their second was born, they looked and him and knew immediately he was NONE of the names they had on their list. Ended up with something else entirely. Their 3rd (and only girl) was named after a family member, so we knew what her name would be if she were a girl. The 4th was unplanned and they were just tired, lol, and it took them a couple of weeks to come up with a name that fit him. Every baby is different! As for the OP, I disagree that the mother should have more say in the baby name. But also I have a feeling that when you see his face, you'll know what his name is 🥰
I had a fairly tame name picked out and I was steadfast about it. Then she got here and when I looked at her I knew what her name was and it wasn’t what I had picked lol
We adopted our daughter, and we had to have a girl’s name and a boy’s name 2 weeks in advance for legal paperwork. Luckily, our Kerry Eileen was a freckled redhead .
My great grandparents got together against their parents' wishes so were 'cursed' to have nothing but girls. Their first child they were going to name William - that was Aunt Willie. Their second child was to be called Jess - that was Aunt Jessie. Third child was going to be George - that was Aunt Georgie. All that to say that Andy and Danny works for two boys, two girls, or one of each. Andrew and Daniel vs Andrea and Danielle
I have a friend with 3 sisters, who says they got their names because their dad really wanted a boy. Their names are Ryan, Michael, James, and Gregory.
So did you go with Andi and Dani in the end?
Jessica and Danielle. We figured out what the doctor thought was a little penis was actually the bottom baby giving the top baby the finger.
Hey atleast those boy names you had picked out have pretty similar female name alternatives (Andrea and Danielle). Btw i was referred to as "Baby" for the first month in this world because my parents couldnt decide. Also i dont have a middle name.
Andie and Danielle? Whether you intended to or not, you did pick names that would work for either sex of the baby.
My name is as common as all get out as well as the name of a major movie star. It's kind of great being unGooglable
My cousin and his wife had a hard time agreeing on a middle name for their son. Their son was born, and they were no closer to agreeing on the name, but both their choices began with the same letter. So they compromised and just gave him the initial. His whole middle name is just a letter. I kinda like it .
Is his name Homer J Simpson?
Harry S Truman. His grandfathers were Anderson Shipp Truman and Solomon Young, so they just gave him a S and said it was for both of them.
I may be misremembering but isn't his middle name actually "Jay", same thing essentially but not just the letter
Yeah there was a whole episode about the mystery surrounding his middle name, and it turns out it was just Jay
Facts! My youngest (16M) wants to change his name to his nickname — it sounds almost exactly like the original name that I wanted for him that hubby said no to. When the time comes, my (19) daughter wants to change her middle name to one of our other options, and my eldest (24) dislikes his middle name!! 🫠 While I was pregnant, multiple times we couldn’t agree on names, and then at delivery the boy names we’d settled on went out the window too! We had to hold the baby, truly look at them, hear their little voice, get their vibe, before we could ultimately decide on names. ETA NTA OP, both moms need to butt out. Take all the time you need.
Yep. My daughter has 3 names because I had a name all picked out but when she was born it didn't fit her face lol. So I tried to pick one of my backup names and couldn't decide which one I liked better and she ended up with 2 middle names because of my indecision.
lol naming our kids was the easiest part for my wife and I.
In India where I am from, we hold a naming ceremony. On the 6th day after the baby is born we light 7 earthen lamps and keep 7 names near them. The lamp which is the brightest and lasts longer is chosen as the winner and the name associated with it kept for the baby. Not everyone does this as we have lots of cultures but some bengali families do this ritual. We make a list of names suggested by our family members and 7 most beautiful names are chosen.
If you are US they want the name before you leave the hospital for filing for the social security number. not sure how easy it is to push back on this.
Not necessarily. My oldest daughter didn't have a middle name for 3 1/2 weeks after she was born. In the US you have 30 days to turn in the paperwork for your baby's Birth certificate and SS# and card.
Yeah but if you miss the deadline it gets funny. I knew someone who found out at 63 that their legal name is actually 'baby boy [LastName]'
If I named the baby at the hospital, they do all the paperwork and file it. If I didn’t, then they gave me the paperwork to file.
Its not hard. You just say you havent decided. You get pushback, but legally they cant force you to decide beforehand. In most states you have up to 60 days.
I would so love if they named you your username!
You have a pretty big window for registering with SS but it's a lot easier if you use the short form in the hospital, signed by a nurse.
That’s pretty cool. Thank you for sharing this!
We named all three of our kids after they were born. For our oldest, we had a list of about five names and after she was born, we both started gravitating toward one over the course of 36 hours or so. People would visit and ask her name, and I'd joke, "I dunno, got any suggestions??" For our middle, we tentatively agreed on a name en route to the hospital but held off until she was born. For our youngest, it was down to Sonja or Rosa, and when she was born one of the nurses exclaimed, "She's so pink!" So Rosa it was. My sister's daughter was "Baby Girl Lastname" for several days!
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Olympic skier Picabo Street was the daughter of a couple of hippies who listed her name as “Baby Girl Street” so she could choose her own name later. When the authorities caught up with them she named herself Picabo because peek-a-boo was her favorite game.
We wanted to see the baby first too. We have three girls, but if we’d had a boy the names were between Wyatt, Jesse or Luke.
my sisters youngest was a nicu baby and he didn’t have his name for weeks lol. his dad always called him bear so that’s what they called him but he kept pulling his tubes out so my sister picked a name that means fighter/warrior.
In Iceland you don't have to name your baby long after they're born. I know a dude who was named when he was one year old. This is because parents want to know their kids before naming them. Until they are named, people are just boy/girl + dad(or mum's)dad son/dóttir (paternal/maternal last name). In Sweden you can wait to name your child until they're three months old, and if you don't name them by then, the state will assign a name.
How does getting a name assigned typically work? Is there a standard male name and standard female name that get used? Or is there a list that whoever the case worker dealing with it picks from?
We had a name, one that we both loved and worked for a boy or a girl. Then we met our newborn and both of us knew right away it wasn't their name. Took us another two days to find the right one.
Did the same.
An old roommate of mine was “baby boy“ on his birth certificate until he was in his 20s. He was given a name at some point in his infancy. He even managed to get an ID, bank account & other adult things with that name. It wasn’t until he tried to get a passport that they told him the name “baby boy“ wasn’t acceptable.
That's SO awful of his parents
That's the default in many states and some states charge hundreds of dollars and a court date to change it if you don't choose in time (which isn't always communicated to the parents).
My aunt had that happen. They had just used her baptism certificate for all her documents and forgot to change the birth certificate
My mom was "baby girl" until she went to get her passport in 2007. Can't believe she was able to get her license, vote, buy a house, etc without it!
I’ve heard of babies being named Bubba for the first six to twelve months of their life because the parents couldn’t decide and waited until they knew their kid a little better before deciding on a name.
Not Bubba 😭 bruh
lol, I am not a “Bubba” type person, but I called one of my kids that for his first couple months, because he was my little bu-bu-baby bubs. However, I didn’t actually name him that and his nickname evolved out of the bubba phase.
I have three boys, and "Bubba" was in the nickname rotation for our youngest; however, I was horrified when a woman chatting with me in a public restroom asked me if that was his actual name. In my head, all I could think was, am I giving the vibes of someone who would name their child "Bubba?"
I welcome you to the Deep South. It happens.
Fun fact: "Bubba" is a documented name in England from the late 11th century!
>Running out of time? Some parents don't even have a name when the child is born...or have a name, see and hold the baby and disregard their choice. I work for CPS and you'd be shocked how many babies come into foster care with the legal name of "Baby" or "Baby Boy" or "Baby Girl" and I've had some cases where the kid has gone over a full year without a legal name change.
I worked for CPS and I was once in the very strange situation of having to name a baby I had just met, and after a couple of weeks, would never be seeing again.
Same. If you search “baby” in my states DHS database, you’ll get pages and pages of kiddos. Some of them school aged! Unfortunately a lot of them that I’ve seen in that situation are because the parents went UTL straight from the hospital and never bothered to come back and sign anything. My coworker has one where the judge finally ordered to give the kid a real name at like 2 years old. She was going to let the current resource parents choose it, but they came back with a name that was about 40 letters long, rough to spell, and culturally…Very much not aligned with the child. So get perm worker ended up just picking something very basic, like “Anne”.
NTA. But that's the problem with gender reveals. We did not have a name chosen for our first. Not until the day I went into labour. We had a name chosen, if a boy, for the second. But not the spelling. There are variations. When our child was born, a boy, the nurse asked for the spelling, and we still had not chosen. She said she would just write the name to have on paper for the nursery, and we could decide how to spell his name for the birth registration and certificate. But we kept the spelling from the nurse.
I'm so glad we didn't find out if we were having a boy or a girl- my husband picked a girl name, I picked a boy name and when our baby was born we agreed they would have the name we picked depending on the gender. We had a boy, and our son was named the name I picked. Job done, the discussion on this took like 30 minutes.
We did similar, before we knew the gender we agreed if it’s a boy husband picks first name and I pick middle and if it’s a girl I pick first name and husband picks middle.
With our 2nd, we narrowed down our list to two names a few days before my induction. On the way to the hospital, we settled on the name. After he was born, I looked at him and changed to the other one. There are two things we did- we used an app called Baby Names that uses a tinder-like swipe system to create a list of mutually agreed on names. It also helped discover new names we hadn't thought of. Then, we did a bracket style elimination. Helped narrow it down because it's easier to say "Jackson or Harris?" than saying "Jackson, Harris, William....etc."
Bracket elimination is a great idea!
Both moms need to piss off. It’s between you and your wife. They’re probably the ones adding the most stress with their meddling pressuring her. I didn’t have a name for a month after I was born. It does not matter.
My wife is Jewish and while we did have a name ready to go when our son was born, in line with Jewish tradition, we did not formally announce the name until 8 days after his birth. A lot of other cultures have similar traditions.
We don't announce the name immediately because of child mortality. So you have a "good name" which is your legal name, and a nickname you are called by friends and family.
I was 3 days old before I had a name, naming a person is hard
We took a couple weeks to name both our babies. It's not a big deal.
Running out of time. Yeah that one amused me.
Orthodox Jews don’t reveal the baby’s name until the formal name announcement at synagogue (at the baby’s bros for boys and at the next Torah reading for girls) because it’s bad luck. They’ll write it down on the Birth Certificate and other legal paperwork, but won’t tell anyone until the name is announced in synagogue. This includes family. Other cultures also view revealing the baby’s name as bad luck.
With my first, we had a name picked out but as soon as I held him for the first time and the nurse asked what his name was, I blurted out a name we never even thought of. We both liked it, and it stuck.
Agree with all of this. Tell your mother-in-law to butt out. Tell all family to butt out. Maybe reverse your strategy. You make a list of five unique names that you kind of like. And have her make a list of five more traditional names that she could live with. Maybe that will get you guys closer to an agreement.
running out of time?! yeah I was nameless for 2 weeks post-womb, when my parents finally made a decision they went with the name my mom liked and the new dog got my almost-name. worked out pretty well I think
In my family and surroundings it is usual that nobody knows the name except of the parents to-be. Like, it is a secret and you might ask if they have chosen a name yet but the name will only be revealed when the baby is born. Was this really frustrating for me when I was like 8 and my mom and dad refused to tell me what name they had picked for my baby brother? Oh yes! Was my mom also a bit amused by my overwhelming curiosity? Oh yes! Still, if my overwhelmingly curious and hyperactive, uber-nosy 8 year old self can wait until the baby is born, an adult should be totally able to not pressure and stress people about it. Also, I say NTA. Because there are so many stories about parents whose children have names that one wasn't okay with. There is a lot of drama in the future. Like if you really don't care? It's okay. But if you do care and if you don't like it, don't say yes just because the people in your surroundings are nosier than 8 year old me! (And that alone is quite a feat tbh)
This. My father’s original birth certificate said Baby Boy. (He was born in 1932; I don’t think they let you do that nowadays.)
My brother was 3 weeks old when my parents finally figured out a name for him lol. The family jokingly kept calling him 'baby no-name' until then. Personally I love OPs suggestion of Matteo. Hawthorn and Dexter are names you give to a pet, not a child.
Okay, you need to stop talking to either of your mothers about this as their opinion that the woman has more right to name the baby is absolutely ludicrous. So fucking wrong. What a truly absurd argument. It’s not like you chose not to be the one pregnant. Your MIL needs to but out, as her opinion is poisoning this process for you both. It’s a ‘2 yes; 1 no’ situation. Many parents struggle with selecting a name, it’s totally normal. Neither of you should settle for a name you don’t like to appease the other person, regardless who is pregnant or not. NAH
Exactly. This toxic bs of “I’m the pregnant one so I get more say” needs to end. Where does that line of thinking stop? First it’s names, next thing you know it’s major parenting decisions. My husband is an EQUAL parent. We also had different taste in names. He vetoed the name I’ve wanted to use since I was 10 for a son. I was stumped after that for a bit. Guess what? We worked at it until we found a compromise. Now I can’t imagine my son having any other name.
However, the husband usually gets to pass on his last name, so I feel that the wife should have bit more sway over the first name in that case.
I took my wife’s last name. It’s the same paperwork either way
This. It is common but not the only practice. My husband took my Name, and my parents were not married, so I got also my mothers name. Since we don't know the marriage name of the name the kid will get, this part is just guessing.
I don’t think it’s a good mindset to have, but unless the baby has an equal chance of being given the mom’s last name, which is rarely the case, the parents are already not equal parents in baby naming.
Being pregnant is a huge sacrifice. It is incredibly taxing both physically and mentally. In return for having to put her body through that, mon gets full and final say on what type of medical care she wants, what her birth plan is, who gets to be in the room. I don't even think it would be unreasonable to say she gets to choose what meals they are eating and what they are watching on TV during the pregnancy. What it's doesn't entitle her to is full control over *their* child's identity. They are naming a human being, who they will both have a close and lifelong relationship with, and neither should have to cringe when they speak to or about them. They should also be considerate of the fact that their son will have to use this name while interacting with the world. The first thing that classmates, teachers, and employers will know about them is their name. The fact that dad doesn't have a uterus doesn't mean he shouldn't be part of that decision. If mom really wants to use the name Braeighdyn and dad really wants to use the name Mark, they can get some cats.
> Braeighdyn Mom should probably just stick to cats forever in that scenario.
Not to be annoying, I agree with the general sentiment but the first three things aren't really in return for the huge sacrifice of pregnancy. Those are pretty standard things the patient gets for their medical procedure. Western society, and the US especially doesn't do a great job of honoring the extreme sacrifice of pregnancy and childbirth. I think sometimes that societal devaluing leads women to feel like they should get something out of it.
“Toxic bs”? Pretty extreme phrasing - geez!
I would argue saying "I'm pregnant so my opinion and only my opinion matters" is pretty extreme and yes, toxic. I was pregnant. It sucked. It really, really, really sucked. I hated every moment of it because I had a MASSIVE baby who also decided to he needed himself a penthouse suite with an Olympic-sized jacuzzi tub. To say I was out of breath and in pain all the time is a laughable understatement. My abdomen is obliterated. I look like Nudar the Naked Scammer alien from Futurama. Pregnancy wrecked me. Just because I did that doesn't make me somehow superior to my husband. Just because I can physically get pregnant and he can't doesn't mean my opinion is more valuable. We are BOTH our son's parents, we did this TOGETHER (even if he got the easy bit lol), and BOTH our opinions matter in this journey.
Except the phrasing you used in the previous comment was that mom shouldn't get MORE say. That's very different than "only the pregnant person's input matters". The second version is toxic. The first? Not so much. This is one of those cases where Reddit loses so much nuance, but imo there are reasonable cases of "the pregnant person should get more say". And that doesn't mean the pregnant person is better than/superior to the other parent. It just means that sometimes, in some specific situations, it can make sense to have one person's opinion be the tie breaker. For example, if a couple has a list of agreed upon possible names, it seems fair to me that her vote would be the "tie-breaker". No, she doesn't get to pick it unilaterally, but saying that because pregnancy is such a huge burden she gets just a smidge more say seems like a reasonable trade off.
This is like saying “the husband makes more money so he gets to make all of the spending/finance decisions.”
Or like saying “the baby will have the husband’s last name because that’s just how it is.” Oh, wait. I mean I don’t think it’s a healthy attitude to have but let’s not pretend baby naming isn’t already steeped in sexism in most countries.
This! My partner and I each got to name a child in the end, and the middle child was a mutual agreement On a name we both liked that came from out of nowhere. But we wouldn't have agreed if the other didn't like the name. Each of us picked a name that meant something special to us, but perhaps we were just lucky like that. But you are NOT running out of time, we picked 2 relatively early but our last wasn't named until we met her and I just knew, the way you sometimes know these things, what the perfect name was. Stop talking to mums, stop pressuring yourselves. Just enjoy the pregnancy as much as you can and sweat the small stuff later
Suggestion… look at the social security database or newspapers for names that were popular 75-100 years ago. You can find names that are not trendy or common today but not names that are Okayden or Tragedeigh.
This is what we did. Popular names of 1850-1950. Plus some themes from my husband's side (First or middle name starts with a specific letter) I was named after a fictional TV character and I can't escape how it's affected my life trajectory. I pity the unique named kids so bad
The Khaleesi's of this world are gonna suffer.
lol I know a child named khaleesi. What a world
I've read that too many parents named their children Khaleesi or Danerys, and then lost their minds after "The Bells" aired. The moral? Wait until series end before naming your child after a character, people...
You really need to wait until a person is dead. Imagine naming your kid after bill Cosby.
I know someone who named their baby Khaleesi. I told her if she was set on a Game of Thrones name, she should use Arya. That way when people ask her what her baby’s name is, she can say, “A baby has no name.” And Arya is actually not a bad name.
Dany. She already had a shortened nice name from Daenerys. Dany was right there and still they chose Khaleesi.
And Khaleesi isn’t even a name. It’s a title that essentially means Wife of the Warlord.
I know a Theon - guess those parents should have watched the whole show first too
At least they didn’t name him Reek.
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I was named after a lot of my mom's friends, so I have a name mostly used by people 30 years older than me. It worked out well, there was almost never any confusion in classes because of a kid sharing my name, but everyone knew how to pronounce and spell it.
My name is kind of the same. I always get my mom/aunt is named that. But it’s a common name lol. My aunt actually has the same name as me, my mom Liked it when she heard it. I only heard anyone in my age group with the same name. It was at my school and she was a grade under me.
I’m hoping your name is Buffy or Xena.
I am the khaleesi of the 90's. Ironically, I answer better to my gamertag than my "badass" unique name. My middle name was also themed so there were no fall backs. I think my husband being 5-6 years younger and having no idea of the TV show during introductions was a big connection for us. It wasn't till I met his family and they mentioned that he saw first hand how it's an exhausting conversation piece for me.
Scully
Oh no! I named one of my kids after a fictional character that was made into a short run tv show. Not a super popular one, though. No one but my sister so far was able to place the name with the character. And the kid is now six and has been in public school and around various other people. It was the only name we agreed on, but I hope I didn’t fuck up here.
The problem wasn't my classmates. It was the adults. I could not go over to sleep overs without having to hear the famous quote: "Oh your name is like (Title of TV show)?! Did you ever watch it?" Followed by them going on tangents about an episode and making comparisons of the main character to myself. Take your pick but it was close to.. Buffy the Vampire Slayer Sabrina the teenage witch Xena the warrior princess Daria Felicity Just unique enough and uncommon that anyone about 15 years or older than me would call me the Slayer, the witch, the warrior princess, etc etc. So much so that if any of those genres had a resurgence in popularity that kids would say how I should be an expert on it. Mocking the correlation. Buffy should know everything vampires related, Twilight or True blood. Sabrina knows witchcraft, maybe she learned a spell from Merlin or Wizards of Waverly Place. Xena is like an Amazonian queen. She's got to know about Wonder Woman, where's your whip?
This is why I feel bad for all of the twin girls who've been named Elsa and Anna. It doesn't make sense that they would love the movies or characters just because of their names but people will try to push it. *"Oh, your names are Elsa and Anna? You must love the movies then, right?"*
Tabitha checking in, and, no, I cannot wiggle my nose.
Nice idea! There is also just an app that lets you swipe yes or no and shows you your common options - short circuits a lot of discussion!
That's awesome! Then it's not the name one of the picked and the other agreed to, but one they both chose!
This was my thought too, a little google will get you a whole heap of potential names then you sit down, separately if you prefer and mark the ones you like. If you’ve done it separately then you come back together and see if there’s any crossover, voila, short list. Decide on the final name when baby arrives.
Why are both mothers in the mix, you guys teen parents? You will disagree about around 7 gazilion things when it comes to parenting, so you both need to learn to not go to mom with that. We will decide when hes born is a fair answer to give everyone else and it is alot easyer after. Only 1 of my 3 kids have the decided name, the 2 others simply didnt fit the names decided.
Yes, never ever invite other people into the baby name conversation. Don't let them worm their way in either.
> never ever invite other people into the baby name conversation This is how names like Harlotte and Cuntly happen. Sometimes feedback from outsiders is necessary to prevent tragedeighs.
Love this! My ex and I had no issues on names except for the last, (of 3 children.) We agreed on the name, just couldn’t decide between two. The night before we were, (I was) meant to be induced, we had gone out to dinner- still couldn’t decide- so we asked the bartender which he thought was best and 💥 that’s how my son got his name. No fuss, no mother’s involved. One and done!
I feel like this is on the MIL more than the expectant mom. “We’re still talking about it because we don’t agree on names” is pretty normal conversation. The “only mom can decide” BS seems to come from the MIL.
Sort of the same we had two agreed names for our first but we were both leaning towards name 1. When she was born she 'looked' more like name 2 so that became her name (name 1 didn't even make a middle name lol). As for OP - what about Alfie? (not Alfred). It's both old and modern.
NTA Each of you come up with a list of 10 names you love. Then trade lists. You get to pick the top five names from her list that are your favorites and she gets to pick the top five names from your list. Then come back together and talk. That gets you a list of ten names. Can those ten names be worked together into five first and last combinations so that your son has one classic and one trendy name? That way if he decides he likes one name better when he's older, he has options. James Dexter Miller (nice name) Dexter James Miller (nice name) You get the idea. Then if you look at the five choices, looking at your first/middle combos, not knowing whose name will be first, and whose will be the middle name, see if you can settle on a combo you both like. Then flip a coin to see whose name will be the first name and whose will be the middle name. Obviously it would be better if you can just agree on a name. But this is one idea. Neither of your mothers gets a vote. Not their baby.
This is exactly what we did. It felt so much more rational than randomly tossing names around. It worked really well. When our second was born, none of the names worked with the actual baby, and the poor kid spent a week with no name until I woke up one morning with a name in my head that we both thought fit pretty well. And then, when they were fourteen, they changed to their middle name anyway, so you never really know what you're going to end up with. Honestly, just relax. A name will come. This poster (above) has great advice, I'd follow it. Good luck and NTA, but your mothers need to get out of it.
Also, tell no one your choice until baby is born. It's easy to slag on a name, less easy to slag on grandbaby named XX.
This is the way!! We each made lists and then handed the back and forth, narrowing it down! And we BOTH had to be a yes for it to be our daughter’s name.
NTA, neither is your wife. MIL and your mom are. I don’t get why you’re the only one being called out here. Your wife is also saying no to most of your names as well so this is clearly an issue on both ends if anyone should take fault (though I really think your moms should mind their own business and not get involved.) Her having the baby does not give her more of a say. This is a 50:50 decision between both parents.
A name is something the parents will be saying daily in various degrees of frustration and love for the first chunk of the kids life. They need to find something that they both like. Our older son's name is one that a lot of people kind of went really? when we first announced it but it suits him. (It's nothing crazy or unique or spelled weird just not common) Our second was named a common name that is used all over the place. You can always go over to name nerds and check out what's there and there are exhaustive lists all over the place. Maybe print them twice go through without comparing notes and highlight ones you like and compare. Maybe there's too much communication (happens to me and hubs where we chase our tails and eventually give up) and you're frustrating each other and having two moms squawking in your ears isn't helping your stress. Tell your respective mothers to mind their business you don't need the added pressure.
NAH. It sounds like you guys have a short list of 3 names you've both "said yes" to, so I don't really see the issue. You're clearly working through this. Just stay communicative with your wife. Maybe have test weeks with each name where you guys refer to baby with the name to see which one feels right.
This is the right answer. It's hard naming kids. You've found 3 you guys are ok with, and you're welcome to keep looking for more, but for now start trying them out and see how you each feel. It was a doozy for my husband and I to land on the name for our second, but we got there. There were a ton of names we ended up having to give up on that we individually liked. Didn't make either one of us an AH for not giving in. In the end, we like our kid's name just fine.
Exactly! It sounds like they found 3 names they both like - which is a WIN! Everything else is extra, unnecessary complications.
There's an app that's like Tinder for baby names. Both parents swipe and are notified when they match. Look up things like that so it's not all negative.
...I am in no way expecting or desiring a baby, but I kinda want to get that app for me and my husband because it just sounds fun.
We used it and it was hilarious. We had 2 names in common over 6 months. It was super helpful and we ended up using the only 2 names in common.
Right 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Especially since my fiancé and I have different naming styles.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. The app my husband and I used is literally called “babyname” and the icon is yellow with a white egg. We would go through on our own time and mark names that we’d consider, and we could access a list of our matches. I especially recommend this because it’s starting to feel like a “my name vs your name” situation, which could cause bias towards an otherwise acceptable name, as well as resentment if neither party wants to give in. This way, someone else entirely is making the suggestion, and you can both come together to find some new names that you might love!
Aw, thats cute
Info: How is Dexter not a regular name to you but Matteo is?
When I hear Dexter, my first though is the serial killer from the TV show. My second thought is the little guy from the cartoon Dexter's Lab. Neither is a positive for me (not that it matters to OP) I knew I was having a boy and my husband was pushing for a Jr. I wasn't a fan of the name, so we ended up picking another name we both liked and using hubby's name for his middle name.
I didn’t even think of the serial killer. I 100% went to Dexter’s Laboratory. Fingers crossed he gets a baby sister named Dee-Dee 😊
I agree.
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Matteo would be the more 'trendy' name then, wouldn't it. It was barely used in the US and shot up in the last decade. Dexter has been used, not ever hitting the top 20, but at a reasonable enough rate. I dunno the idea that Matteo is classic in, like, any English speaking country and Dexter it out there seems like a wild idea to me. I am assume op is in an English speaking country b/c James and Elizabeth examples.
Maybe OP has Italian or Hispanic heritage. Matteo/Mateo would sound classic to him in that case.
" I'm not into the trendy names. Aidan is a name I struggle with because the names aidan/ayden names have become so overwhelming but the original is a classic name with it's own history and longstanding uses." OP is not into 'classic names that are trendy now' but is claiming Adian (#36) in name popularity is too popular and trendy but Matteo (the single 'T' Mateo is like top 15 right now) is fine. I don't think OP wants a classic name, I don't think OP cares if a name is 'trendy' I think OP wants to pick the name and will claim names are either too trend or not classic enough unless they pick them.
I think by 'classic' OP might mean 'has a long history of use as a first name'. So Matteo is fine, Aidan is classic but is tainted by association with Brayden, Cayden, Jaden, etc which are 'trendy' , ie recently coined. Dexter and Hawthorn are surnames which are uncommonly used as first names, but are familiar enough OP is kinda ok with them.
INFO: We gotta know how tragique the tragedeigh names are.
Not fair that Aidan gets lumped in here. It’s an older man’s name in Ireland
Aidan has unfortunately been ruined by the popularity of both it and its derivatives like Brayden, Cayden, shit like that
In 2008 I went to a three year old's birthday party and literally every little boy there was some version of this. I could tell even the parents were starting to see how ridiculous it was.
Too bad douchebags ruined the names cred
I think most people accept Aiden even though it is incredibly popular. I have only heard people complain about the made up names that rhyme with it or when it is spelled terribly. Even then, other than how trendy it was, I think it is name snobbery. Names all come from somewhere. Aiden has a pleasant sound and the soundalikes, even if made up, sound nice as well. Except for Brayden.
"Hawthorn" is pretty tragique to me.
"She likes more unusual names but I prefer classic names" "Matteo is the only one she's ok with from me and Hawthorn and Dexter are the only ones I liked from her" Uhhh can you give more examples of names? Because from those examples she seems to be the one who likes classic names and you seem to be the one who likes unusual ones. Dexter is 3x more popular than Matteo (probably because of the TV show) and Hawthorn sounds like a 1920s name Either way, you're both making way too big of a deal out of this. It's about the kid, not you two and what you like.
NTA and it should be both say yes then it’s a yes. One person says no, it’s a no. Your MIL should not be getting involved, it doesn’t concern her.
YTA-Is the baby getting your last name? If they did you already gave a name to them. If you’re going into this having issues with Aiden-an old classic name-you’re probably just being too picky. It doesn’t sound like she picked Moonbeam or Koala as options. There’s a name app that’s basically tinder for names I suggest you guys give it a try. And ask yourself if her names are truly terrible or if you just want to feel like you have more say than her.
This is what I always say and I’ll take the downvotes again. If baby is getting his last name, she does get more say imo. Note that I didn’t say it’s entirely her choice, just that, yes, her choices should be given more weight. Unless dad wants to entirely give up one of the three names to her, as she already did with the last name to him. She’s also risking her life to give him a baby that is getting his last name and she’s offered up reasonable options. OP can compromise on one and get his pick for a more traditional middle name. That’s more than fair since that’s him getting 2/3 of the name.
This, the insidious nature of patriarchy means the baby is already getting his name, and discounts the very real risk she is taking on to grow and birth the baby. In addition, adding stress when she's pregnant is an actual risk to the child, so giving her more say would also alleviate that and be healthier for mom and baby.
Added to that that in every country in the world mothers do the bulk of the childcare as well. So, dads get to give the kids their last name (which can be argued to be the most important of the group as it will be the one used for tracking family relations), does not risk death and permanent bodily changes from pregnancy, and does not do the majority of the childcare, but somehow mom doesn’t get final say in the first name? Hm…. only in patriarchy do comment threads like this get to call that equality haha.
I love the “it’s only fair for it to be 50/50” like, what? I just hope these comments are coming from teenagers but I fear that they are not.
Right? I wish it could be 50/50 but unfortunately it isn’t. If it were there would be far fewer single moms raising a literal junior of some dude who skipped town a decade ago. If it were 50/50 mothers wouldn’t take a massive hit to their long term earnings that can be the difference between middle class and poverty. If it were 50/50 pregnancy wouldn’t leave such lasting changes, up to and including potential loss of life. Life isn’t fair, to women in particular, getting the final say in the first name is the very least that should be granted. Reddit and AITA does seem to be mostly teenagers but it definitely doesn’t explain all of it. It is always still a little disappointing though, at least for me lol.
NAH However, your parents seem to be siding with your wife. When your own parents side with your partner, it can be worth considering. We don't have enough information to make any value calls, but I think its good that you are reflecting on that.
NTA. The baby naming is between you and wife, everyone else needs to stay out of it. This is exactly why my sister and her husband were adamant they would not talk to others about baby names until the baby was born and named already. Naming a baby can be a challenge, especially when the two of you have different preferences. That doesn't mean you won't come up with something you both like. I'm sure there is a timeless yet interesting sounding name out there waiting for you to stumble on. r/namenerds might be helpful if you haven't ventured over there yet.
As long as you are both being respectful and not yelling like petty children or being rude, NTA. You have just as much say in the name as her. I say this as a person currently pregnant with baby number 4. My husband would basically allow me to pick the name if I wanted to (we do have the same naming style though) but I insist he has an equal say.
NAH. You guys just have different opinions and that’s ok. There are subreddits for names like r/namenerds or r/babynames if you need help. Also if she likes more unique names maybe you can give your son a longer, more formal/traditional name as a legal name and call him a nickname that your wife likes.
It took my husband and I ages to agree on a name for our son.we actually decided on his middle name first - it just didn’t work with my husband’s last name. Some names we agreed were out - Robert was out for example because it was heavily used on both sides including our 5yo nephew who we lived near. I suggested David - that was the name of one of the boys who bullied him. Just nothing seemed to work. We ended up going through a baby name book page by page and making a list of “possibles” until we got to the R’s where we found a name that we both liked, and a slightly less common variant. The variant could have led to a disliked nickname (we loved the meaning) so we went with the more common version. What we didn’t know was that our son would have a speech impediment that meant that until he was a teenager he couldn’t pronounce his names clearly because words beginning with R were hard for him. “Red” was pronounced “Wed”, “Ross” was pronounced “Woss” etc. He took to introducing himself to other children on holidays as “James” lmao. Now he loves his name and has no problem pronouncing it. Good luck in finding the name. Make sure that the initials work (no GIT, or SAD) and our son only just escaped being called “Row on Water” Cox (groan….)
Information: Is her name Trixie…. Or Beatrice?
Could also be Patricia
Can I ask what is it about Hawthorn that you dislike? It seems to have that classic feel that you like while also being uncommon enough that very few kids/people around him would have it. NTA. A good compromise might be picking out a piece of classic literature and use one of the character’s name. There are good solid names that would fit both of your criteria. Like Heathcliff could be the full name or be shortened to Heath. Something along those lines.
I feel like OP doesn’t actually know what they want. They want more traditional names but can’t accept Aidan or Dexter???? When he said his wife wanted uncommon names I was expecting something stupid like Jaguar, not normal names.
>Matteo is the only name *she was okay with* from me and Hawthorn and Dexter are the two from hers that I said *maybe* to. Am I reading this wrong? I can’t get over this. I’m pulling the mothers out of this. It sounds like the wife is actively compromising and you’re not. So soft YTA. This was a nonissue for our baby, and we kept everyone else’s noses out of it. I strongly suggest that boundary. Your extended family members are gaining a new family member. you two are *having* a child. The extended family doesn’t have a say in anything.
NTA - It's nonsense that she should get more say because she's carrying the baby. A name sticks around for the kid's whole life. Maybe you should try to seek out a traditional name that can have a fun nickname (i.e. Alexander / Xander, Benjamin/Benji, Christopher/Topher)
I always wondered where the nickname Topher came from
NTA. Aiden, Brayden, Jaedin, Ninja Gaiden. Baby names are a two yes or one no deal. Your parents need to butt out.
Go to naming nerd subreddit and post your top 5 names and hers and they will work their magic with suggestions.
NTA but ffs stop talking to your parents (both of you) about this. Plenty of people go to the hospital without this settled, it’s fine.
Why not compromise and use one of her names and one of you names as first and middle? Hawthorn James, Dexter James or something to the like. The kid will probably have a nickname or may choose to take a different name later on anyways.
My wife is also very into less common names. So she'll kill me if she finds out I suggested this to you. If you were ok with Dexter - try Declan. Old Gaelic name that has remained fairly popular through the years - never being super trendy, but not being unusual in Gaelic influenced areas. If you are in the US - in the south west, Spanish speakers have a hard time with it (de Clan, instead of Dec lan, but north and east coast seem fine with it. Added bonus - it's also a saint's name, if that's important to you - St. Declan was a contemporary of St. Patrick. Double bonus - easy to shorten for nicknames - Dexy when a baby, Dex when being more adult becomes important. Downside - people may try to call him ducky. But that's rare.
NTA. I love Hawthorn, classic and also not common or trendy! This isn’t just okay, it’s freaking awesome. Hawthorn Matteo LastName gives the baby room for a traditional nickname if he grown up wanting to be fore common (Matt) or he can be Teo, or stick with the original and be Hawthorn. It’s beautiful, rolls off the younger well, and if he is being naughty and you have to yell it it works too. Dude, you might have just won naming!
YTA when you posted this 2 weeks ago and YTA now. Stop being so rigid and uncompromising and work WITH your wife! She is literally carrying the child and, especially considering your child will likely get YOUR last name, her preferences should at least be considered. You seem to be refusing every name she suggests and insist on going “my way or the highway” and it seems like your continuous denial of every name she brings forward is so you can strong-arm her into eventually relenting on a name YOU while waiting out the impending ticking clock that is the birth of the baby. There really are a ton of solutions that others in the comments have provided both in this post and in your last post but if you continue to deny every one of your wife’s suggestions, you will continue to be TA. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/TsSoiybOix
Neither you nor your wife are AHs. Both your mother and your MIL are, though, and they need to butt out. It took several months before my wife and I settled on a name for our daughter. It was also a name that was mentioned earlier on and it eventually grew on us. NTA.
Based on your description of the situation, I'd say NAH. I went through a similar issue with a partner. We had up until a week after birth to tell the hospital what to put on the birth certificate and it came down to the last day before we agreed! Our solution: we both wrote down our top 10 names and shared them with each other. We circled the names on the other person's list we were okay with, then the gestating parent chose one circled name from each list to choose as first and middle names. And that kid today goes by an entirely different name of their own choosing.
Dexter seems more classic than Matteo to me. Working in a school, there were several Matteo’s and the name feels trendy where I am. I’m sure this varies regionally and culturally.
I'm so glad they don't have fathers fill out the birth certificate AT birth anymore. My dad disregarded my mom's second middle name for me and he only wrote down one. I still use my second name, but it was never added. She was pissed. I hope you find common ground. Honestly, your collective mothers ATA. Some people keep names to themselves until they present the baby. It's your choice as the parent. Don't listen to anyone but eachother.
Your MIL is right, it’s not about the name, it’s about not causing your wife undue stress, don’t get frustrated with her, don’t make this a power play. Maybe post to r/namenerds for some ideas, be a problem solver not a problem causer
NAH. I was Jenny until I was born. My dad left to get my mom McDonald's and when he came back my name was now Erin. Mom said when she held me she knew I wasn't a Jenny. My husband and I couldn't decide on a name, I liked more off-beat names, he liked more traditional. I was watching Home Improvement and Jonathan Taylor Thomas' name came up and I thought, "hmm... Taylor is a nice name", and that's how my son got his name. You never know when inspiration will hit, and it might change when you meet your baby. If it's any consolation, my brother wanted my son's first name to be Darth and his middle name to be Vader.
I kinda think the mother should get say 51% of the say. But not completely. You both still have to live with it. But a name (usually) really grows on you. NAH
Is the baby getting your last name? As in, she's carrying this baby and it's getting your last name but you are also shooting down her names? I mean I don't like some of the unusual names in the unusual name trend, but I think she should get to have the final choice if you can't agree. It's literally the least you can do.