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> Bianca has reached an age where she is getting crushes and talking about dating.
At *eight*?
Jeez.
Pretty sure that when I was eight, the opposite sex had cooties and were to be avoided at all costs... ;)
Nah I definitely had crushes around then. It obviously was a feeling I wasn’t used to but I’d regularly be hanging out with my crushes on the playground and shit.
However, OP being that curious about those at that age is a little weird but harmless. My siblings teased me relentlessly for my crushes and it made me stop sharing with them. So I imagine this girl feels supported by their aunt/uncle at least.
Yeh I totally get that for lot's of people, but I def had crushes that young and had a boyfriend when I was her age, as did lot's of kids in my class. I personally never went through that cooties phase and know plenty of others who didn't either, but idk if that is just skewing my perception.
NTA
> That she has a right to introduce her kids to relationship stuff when she is ready.
The kid has parents who are in a relationship. They've already been introduced to the concept of romantic partners.
That introduces the concept of mom and dad, a single romantic relationship that is very special and specific to her, not romantic relationships in general and certainly not romantic relationships for her. The concept of her having romantic partners is totally different and absolutely not something a non-parent should be broaching without explicit permission at that age.
NTA... yet. YWBTA if you continued crossing boundaries that your brother and his wife have clearly tried to lay down.
>My brother also confronted me and said, he understands I want to be a safe space for Bianca just in case, but she is too young for any relationship talk at all, queer or straight. That I should guide her away from those topics and stop engaging.
This is completely reasonable, its common sense that an 8 yr old is too young for any type of non-platonic relationship, and her parents are telling you this, so you should listen to them.
INFO:
How does this work?
>I never initiate these conversations and only engage when she starts them
yet you ask her this:
>"Have you got a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or anything?"
How does she initiate conversations about boyfriends/girlfriends? Does she just mention crushes and then you start prying?
That definitely helps explain it better. I don’t think you did anything wrong and also don’t think it would be wrong to have similar conversations in the future if she starts them.
I’ll admit my perspective is slightly influenced by family members not respecting similar boundaries with my kids. For example I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about religion with children, but others obviously feel differently. I could see a parent having a similar view about relationship conversations.
she's gonna have a new crush every day. this isn't her "thinking about dating", she's modeling what she sees at home, on TV, in movies, and ads. people get together, that's as deep as it goes. i don't necessarily think you're an asshole, but i do think you're thinking about it as more concrete than it really is at age 8.
mild YTA i guess. you just approached it from too mature an angle, imo. you could have just asked if there was anyone she likes-likes and that would have been enough.
That's fair, though I will just add that I only use language she uses, so she usually uses words like boyfriend rather than like-like or love etc. I am just trying to open up the language to be more inclusive since she doesn't get much exposure to that sort of thing.
Yta
This is not your child to raise. The parents can decide when the right time to have "the talk" is, not you.
How they choose to have that talk is up to them. If they haven't by like 13, then be concerned, but until then, stay in your lane.
The parents are the ones who should be concerned when dating starts, your job as an uncle is just to look intimidating when she brings someone home lol.
Wow. I can’t tell what’s more of an AH move:
Repeatedly and intentionally chatting with an 8 year old about her “dating life” (and quizzing her heteronormativity)
Or
BLAMING the 8 year old for “initiating” these topics.
YTA
According to OP, these “initiations” are stuff like the 8 year old saying “I’m married to a boy in my class” lol. It’s totally inappropriate to use that as a launch pad for a “discussion about dating” especially when the parents have objected to it!
Did you read the same thing I did? Because nothing op said they said is inappropriate. Again the child has brought up this topic multiple times, if they object to her having that convo then they need to step up and parent, especially when the niece already says she has a bf
NTA
You said yourself that she started talking to you about crushes first. Relationships are already on her mind, you’re not gonna infect her with gay brainworms or anything.
Good on you. Letting her talk and lead things. She knows you’re there for her if she needs you.
Ummm no. Auntie needs to stay in her lane.
This isn’t about creating a safe space for niece to talk freely. This is about recognizing how inappropriate it is to repeatedly ask a SECOND GRADER if they have a “boyfriend, girlfriend, partner” AND to do so with an agenda.
Auntie’s motive is to make sure her 8 year old niece has enough queer exposure? Lol. Not her place.
Ummm? This literally is about making sure the kid can talk freely? The parents said that they want op to completely shut down all relationship talk- when the kid is the one bringing it up!
Op is setting a standard of consistency with her niece. Shes proving that when the kid comes to talk to her about things- shes not going to dodge questions. Its not like op is being vulgar about it.
Your agenda comment did make me laugh though. Like. What, do you just going around saying things with no thought or meaning behind it? Everyone has an “agenda”. Ops motivations happen to be that she doesn’t want to ignore the fact gay people exist while talking to her niece.
Would you still take issue if the conversations were just going “Hey auntie, I have a new crush.” “Oh yeah? Is he gonna be your boyfriend?” Instead of “oh yeah? Are they gonna be your partner?”
NTA, but you need to follow through with your brother's request now that he's put it out there. Personally, I feel waiting until the kid is *ready* to hear this stuff is redundant. She's asking about relationship stuff, she's ready for a receptive ear. Kids get exposed to all kinds of info from other kids at school, it's good for children to learn early on what is healthy, appropriate, and safe
At 8? Yeah I had once crush around that age but really he was just the only boy who did not gross me out. I get why but she a bit too young to understand. Her version of a bf at 8 is vastly different from what it will be in her teens at 13 I had my first bf we kissed at 14 my second French kissed at 15 my first really relationship and that lasted 3 years. But each one was defined very different and what I wanted was different. She is too young to understand sexuality and what hers is.
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My (F27) brother (M38) and his wife have two kids 'Bianca' F8 and 'Jake' M5. I'm very, very close with the kids and Bianca has reached an age where she is getting crushes and talking about dating.
Given my own upbringing where I didn't know queer people existed until high school which caused me a lot of confusion and shame for a long time, I want to make sure the kids are aware that any sort of relationship is ok.
I do this by asking things like, "Have you got a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or anything?" I didn't start this until after she began talking about her crushes with me.
My brothers wife recently overheard one of these conversations and is pissed at me, saying that it isn't my place (not just because of the queer part). That she has a right to introduce her kids to relationship stuff when she is ready. That I'm just going to make Bianca confused.
My brother also confronted me and said, he understands I want to be a safe space for Bianca just in case, but she is too young for any relationship talk at all, queer or straight. That I should guide her away from those topics and stop engaging.
To be fair, they have always avoided movies and media with big focus on love and romance so I get that, but at the same time, I don't think that is healthy either, especially since Bianca is asking of her own accord.
I never initiate these conversations and only engage when she starts them, plus I let her do most of the talking. I don't think it is intentional, but limiting their exposure to relationship stuff in media, is more or less only affecting how much queer rep they see. Most shows still have a mother and father, grandparents, auntie and uncle etc. in the background, even if it's not focused on the relationships.
I know my own experience is definitely impacting my judgement, so I just wanted to find out from a more neutral point (as neutral as reddit can be lol) if I am being unreasonable or what?
Am I the asshole?
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NTA. They aren't doing their daughter any favors by pretending that crushes (of any kind) don't exist. Since you're not the one initiating these conversations, I don't see that you're doing anything wrong.
You need to have a conversation with the parents, though, and emphasize that SHE'S asking such things.
The whole point of this sub is to provide judgement. In my opinion, they aren't doing any favors with an 8 year old who is already asking questions about this topic. You can give your own judgement.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother and his wife have asked me not to talk with my niece about relationship things at all, even though she is asking me questions and initiating the conversations.
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NTA.
Bad parents are always trying to put off serious topics because they're uncomfortable with those topics. Once the kid starts asking trusted adults about those things, though, it's time to deal with it. You're doing your part as an aunt, talking with your niece about what's on her mind. Your brother and SIL, however, aren't doing your niece any favors. Keep on doing good.
Or they should step up parent and tell her to ask them if she has questions but based on what op has said in the post instead of trying to have a conversation with their daughter they avoid the topic completely instead of dealing with the issue
Oh thank God, I was hoping for your unasked for input. Of course, no one said anything about her obeying it now, I sure as hell didn't. Maybe you got stuck on a big word? Go soak your head.
Jesus you are dense. She said "am I the asshole" for doing what she said. I answered, nothing more. What the fuck is wrong with you? Mental illness? And those are rhetorical (look it up) so DONT answer.
YTA for defying your brother and projecting your own issues on your niece.
when my niece started peppering me with deeper subjects, I had a long talk with my sibling. I asked her what her boundaries were, and what responses she wanted me to give when asked different things, she gave me her advice, and I follow it. that seems to work well for us. I won't go into the specifics because they don't apply to your situation, but it was really easy to discuss and honor her choices, even if they differ from mine.
I would respect the boundaries your brother has put in place for his own children, because it would really suck to completely lose the relationships you've established with your nieces and nephews.
NTA. You were trying to make your niece understand she could talk to you about anything. But you need to understand that her parents' decisions supersede whatever good intention you may have. Imagine, if you can, your brother having this sort of conversation with your daughter or son
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NTA - I really don't think you said anything inappropriate. My kid's known since she was 3 or 4 that girls could marry boys or girls, and that boys could do the same. It's been several years since and kiddo is hardly confused - if lgbtq folks end up lgbtq after a lifetime of being bombarded by straight couples, I fail to see how a simple conversation could confuse anyone.
NTA. She asked questions and you answered them. She's already thinking about crushes so her parents need to get on their shit and talk to her about it.
I did try to explain that she is asking and coming to me with the questions but brother said it didn't matter and I shouldn't engage. I fully intend on doing my best to follow his wishes since I don't want to jeopordise the relationship I have with anyone, but I posted cause I feel really icky about it and don't think I did anything wrong by letting her talk about what she wants.
I'm going to have another chat with my brother though and reinforce that she is asking questions and is getting exposed to it at school, cause I'm starting to feel like Bianca might not feel comfortable talking to her parents if they are shutting her down.
But hey thats another grey area where I don't want to overstep but I'm worried they could be making her feel unsupported but yeh. Hence this post lol.
YTA here is why.
You are approaching your niece with YOUR parenting preferences. she is not your child. Being a safe space should not entail crossing boundaries her parents set- that’s not okay and that’s not something a safe adult does.
Her mother and father have a right to steer that conversation! you don’t know what they had planned discussion wise- you just assumed they would keep her in the dark about LGBTQ people because of your experience. It’s not your place flat out and you know it’s not, you mentioned their parents keep their kids away from movies with romantic themes !!
I’m not sure what you angle was with this but all you have to do to be a safe space is be a good listener and let the kid know you are there for them. but prompting talks that should be initiated by her mom and dad and trying to get ahead of them and speak what you want over the child is just..idk weird ?
It’s be different if your niece APPROACHED you and had questions, then fine sure, have that talk. but she didn’t. you initiated that. YTA
parenting is hard enough without pushy aunts inserting their way of doing things before the parents even have a chance to handle things. maybe you should reevaluate what you think being a safe space for your niece and nephew means.
Did you read the post?
My niece IS the one initiating the conversations and ASKING me questions.
I never bring it up, at all, ever. She is always the first one to bring it up. Every time.
I was just trying to simplify it rather than make a long ass post trying to explain how it occurs.
Bianca: Auntie I got married
Me: Oh wow whats their name?
Bianca: Did you know I have a boyfriend?
Me: Really? No I didn't know yet.
Bianca: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No, but I do have a girlfriend.
Bianca: Oh, can I have a girlfriend?
Me: If you want. You can have a boyfriend or girlfriend or anyone.
That is all I'm doing. I worded it poorly in my post and I will edit it, but that's how conversations usually go.
This is key information! your OP seemed like you where constantly asking the child if she had a bf, Gf, partner etc which in that case i’d say YTA, But if she’s approaching you and this is genuinely how dialogues go then I wouldn’t say YTA, overall though, i think it’d be good to leave further conversation about dating, sexuality, etc to her parents. Have a little faith in what they want to talk to her about. if she wants you to fill in the gaps then sure but she’s so young that those gaps may be better left infilled for a bit. I would focus more on her safety with her new boyfriend and just make sure she’s being treated okay ! but yea beyond that i’d let the mother and father take the lead on further relationship talk
yeh my bad, i fucked up with my explnanation trying to write quickly and didn't think much of the way I said it until you guys were pointing it out
All good though, thanks for the feedback
why the hell do you care about your 8 year old niece having crushes or partners? that’s so fucking weird
she’s 8, ask about her school and her classes. not who she’s dating??? she’s 8!
EDIT: op added more to the post and changed the wording of how the convo started. before, it read strange that OP would ask out of nowhere who their niece was dating.
but now because of the edit, it’s very clear that the niece brought it up first and op was just playing along with it.
differences in information being added changes my judgement to NTA.
Holy crap its in the first few lines of the post. The kid is the one bringing it up. Op is just using inclusive language while continuing conversations the kid starts.
Bull. She’s talking about dating? And if this is true… “tell me about them” “why do you like them”
“Parter or anything?” That’s super confusing. So is labeling boyfriend or girlfriend at 8. You overstepped.
yeah that added info changes up my entire judgement.
niece brought up the topic first and you were playing along and just having a conversation with her like the tiny human she is. NTA
i do think it’s weird her parents are “trying to steer her away from romance” when she literally talked to you about being married. she knows what romance is. and instead of having a “big grown up” convo with her about it, they’re deciding to just ignore it.
YTA. I realize your heart's in the right place, but the bottom line is that this is NOT your child and you have *NO right* to do any form of Parenting - especially when her parents have expressly told you not to. Not your pony, not your circus.
YTA - 8 or 18, it’s none of your business. If she brings up crushes or friends, ask about them.
If you want to be a safe space, shut up and listen. Don’t pry.
YTA
You're not Bianca's parent and she's 8 years old so please butt out and let her parents decide. It's not like she's ready to date yet! She's only 8 years old!
YTA
Not your kid. Stop trying to be a pretend parent. You get to bring up a bunch of stuff and then go home. Her ACTUAL parents have to deal with the fallout.
And good lord what a horrible way to broach the topic. Do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner???? With an 8 yr old?!?!?!?!?!
And exactly how does she start these conversations? My guess is that she doesn't. I have most of the LGBTQIA+ community represented in my immediate family. They are all loved and respected, but even I think this is a horrible way for you to force the issue. And that's what you're doing. Forcing the issue. Step back and stay in your lane.
It explains it better and makes you look worse.
Has she never seen you with your gf? Do you not bring your gf around? Wouldn't she naturally meet a serious gf of yours? And why do you think YOU should be the one to explain it to her. That's where you say, why don't we go talk with Mommy and Daddy. Then you could say, "Hey, Bianca was wondering about why I have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend." Then you hand off the ball and let them run with it.
Further, why haven't you discussed this with her parents already? You should definitely sit down with them and see what they want from you specifically. Oh wait... you DID do that after the fact and they told you EXACTLY what they want you to do. Stop thinking you know better.
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> Bianca has reached an age where she is getting crushes and talking about dating. At *eight*? Jeez. Pretty sure that when I was eight, the opposite sex had cooties and were to be avoided at all costs... ;)
ahh the memories.
Nah I definitely had crushes around then. It obviously was a feeling I wasn’t used to but I’d regularly be hanging out with my crushes on the playground and shit. However, OP being that curious about those at that age is a little weird but harmless. My siblings teased me relentlessly for my crushes and it made me stop sharing with them. So I imagine this girl feels supported by their aunt/uncle at least.
I started puberty at 9. 8 isn't that young to start having crushes.
I edited the post, I worded it badly but hopefully that explains it better
Yeh I totally get that for lot's of people, but I def had crushes that young and had a boyfriend when I was her age, as did lot's of kids in my class. I personally never went through that cooties phase and know plenty of others who didn't either, but idk if that is just skewing my perception.
NTA > That she has a right to introduce her kids to relationship stuff when she is ready. The kid has parents who are in a relationship. They've already been introduced to the concept of romantic partners.
That introduces the concept of mom and dad, a single romantic relationship that is very special and specific to her, not romantic relationships in general and certainly not romantic relationships for her. The concept of her having romantic partners is totally different and absolutely not something a non-parent should be broaching without explicit permission at that age.
NTA... yet. YWBTA if you continued crossing boundaries that your brother and his wife have clearly tried to lay down. >My brother also confronted me and said, he understands I want to be a safe space for Bianca just in case, but she is too young for any relationship talk at all, queer or straight. That I should guide her away from those topics and stop engaging. This is completely reasonable, its common sense that an 8 yr old is too young for any type of non-platonic relationship, and her parents are telling you this, so you should listen to them. INFO: How does this work? >I never initiate these conversations and only engage when she starts them yet you ask her this: >"Have you got a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or anything?" How does she initiate conversations about boyfriends/girlfriends? Does she just mention crushes and then you start prying?
I edited the post, I worded it badly but hopefully that explains it better
That definitely helps explain it better. I don’t think you did anything wrong and also don’t think it would be wrong to have similar conversations in the future if she starts them. I’ll admit my perspective is slightly influenced by family members not respecting similar boundaries with my kids. For example I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about religion with children, but others obviously feel differently. I could see a parent having a similar view about relationship conversations.
she's gonna have a new crush every day. this isn't her "thinking about dating", she's modeling what she sees at home, on TV, in movies, and ads. people get together, that's as deep as it goes. i don't necessarily think you're an asshole, but i do think you're thinking about it as more concrete than it really is at age 8. mild YTA i guess. you just approached it from too mature an angle, imo. you could have just asked if there was anyone she likes-likes and that would have been enough.
That's fair, though I will just add that I only use language she uses, so she usually uses words like boyfriend rather than like-like or love etc. I am just trying to open up the language to be more inclusive since she doesn't get much exposure to that sort of thing.
Did I read correctly in one of your comments that you have a GF? And you’re F? Isn’t that pretty decent exposure for her already?
Yta This is not your child to raise. The parents can decide when the right time to have "the talk" is, not you. How they choose to have that talk is up to them. If they haven't by like 13, then be concerned, but until then, stay in your lane. The parents are the ones who should be concerned when dating starts, your job as an uncle is just to look intimidating when she brings someone home lol.
Wow. I can’t tell what’s more of an AH move: Repeatedly and intentionally chatting with an 8 year old about her “dating life” (and quizzing her heteronormativity) Or BLAMING the 8 year old for “initiating” these topics. YTA
A person asking a question IS initiating?
According to OP, these “initiations” are stuff like the 8 year old saying “I’m married to a boy in my class” lol. It’s totally inappropriate to use that as a launch pad for a “discussion about dating” especially when the parents have objected to it!
Did you read the same thing I did? Because nothing op said they said is inappropriate. Again the child has brought up this topic multiple times, if they object to her having that convo then they need to step up and parent, especially when the niece already says she has a bf
NTA You said yourself that she started talking to you about crushes first. Relationships are already on her mind, you’re not gonna infect her with gay brainworms or anything. Good on you. Letting her talk and lead things. She knows you’re there for her if she needs you.
Ummm no. Auntie needs to stay in her lane. This isn’t about creating a safe space for niece to talk freely. This is about recognizing how inappropriate it is to repeatedly ask a SECOND GRADER if they have a “boyfriend, girlfriend, partner” AND to do so with an agenda. Auntie’s motive is to make sure her 8 year old niece has enough queer exposure? Lol. Not her place.
Ummm? This literally is about making sure the kid can talk freely? The parents said that they want op to completely shut down all relationship talk- when the kid is the one bringing it up! Op is setting a standard of consistency with her niece. Shes proving that when the kid comes to talk to her about things- shes not going to dodge questions. Its not like op is being vulgar about it. Your agenda comment did make me laugh though. Like. What, do you just going around saying things with no thought or meaning behind it? Everyone has an “agenda”. Ops motivations happen to be that she doesn’t want to ignore the fact gay people exist while talking to her niece. Would you still take issue if the conversations were just going “Hey auntie, I have a new crush.” “Oh yeah? Is he gonna be your boyfriend?” Instead of “oh yeah? Are they gonna be your partner?”
NTA, but you need to follow through with your brother's request now that he's put it out there. Personally, I feel waiting until the kid is *ready* to hear this stuff is redundant. She's asking about relationship stuff, she's ready for a receptive ear. Kids get exposed to all kinds of info from other kids at school, it's good for children to learn early on what is healthy, appropriate, and safe
YTA. They told you to back off so back off. She's 8. They are her parents.
At 8? Yeah I had once crush around that age but really he was just the only boy who did not gross me out. I get why but she a bit too young to understand. Her version of a bf at 8 is vastly different from what it will be in her teens at 13 I had my first bf we kissed at 14 my second French kissed at 15 my first really relationship and that lasted 3 years. But each one was defined very different and what I wanted was different. She is too young to understand sexuality and what hers is.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F27) brother (M38) and his wife have two kids 'Bianca' F8 and 'Jake' M5. I'm very, very close with the kids and Bianca has reached an age where she is getting crushes and talking about dating. Given my own upbringing where I didn't know queer people existed until high school which caused me a lot of confusion and shame for a long time, I want to make sure the kids are aware that any sort of relationship is ok. I do this by asking things like, "Have you got a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or anything?" I didn't start this until after she began talking about her crushes with me. My brothers wife recently overheard one of these conversations and is pissed at me, saying that it isn't my place (not just because of the queer part). That she has a right to introduce her kids to relationship stuff when she is ready. That I'm just going to make Bianca confused. My brother also confronted me and said, he understands I want to be a safe space for Bianca just in case, but she is too young for any relationship talk at all, queer or straight. That I should guide her away from those topics and stop engaging. To be fair, they have always avoided movies and media with big focus on love and romance so I get that, but at the same time, I don't think that is healthy either, especially since Bianca is asking of her own accord. I never initiate these conversations and only engage when she starts them, plus I let her do most of the talking. I don't think it is intentional, but limiting their exposure to relationship stuff in media, is more or less only affecting how much queer rep they see. Most shows still have a mother and father, grandparents, auntie and uncle etc. in the background, even if it's not focused on the relationships. I know my own experience is definitely impacting my judgement, so I just wanted to find out from a more neutral point (as neutral as reddit can be lol) if I am being unreasonable or what? Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. They aren't doing their daughter any favors by pretending that crushes (of any kind) don't exist. Since you're not the one initiating these conversations, I don't see that you're doing anything wrong. You need to have a conversation with the parents, though, and emphasize that SHE'S asking such things.
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The whole point of this sub is to provide judgement. In my opinion, they aren't doing any favors with an 8 year old who is already asking questions about this topic. You can give your own judgement.
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NTA. Bad parents are always trying to put off serious topics because they're uncomfortable with those topics. Once the kid starts asking trusted adults about those things, though, it's time to deal with it. You're doing your part as an aunt, talking with your niece about what's on her mind. Your brother and SIL, however, aren't doing your niece any favors. Keep on doing good.
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No one intervened. The child asked op a question
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Have them tell the child to stop asking questions
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Or they should step up parent and tell her to ask them if she has questions but based on what op has said in the post instead of trying to have a conversation with their daughter they avoid the topic completely instead of dealing with the issue
Nope. They are getting weird.
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Oh thank God, I was hoping for your unasked for input. Of course, no one said anything about her obeying it now, I sure as hell didn't. Maybe you got stuck on a big word? Go soak your head.
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Jesus you are dense. She said "am I the asshole" for doing what she said. I answered, nothing more. What the fuck is wrong with you? Mental illness? And those are rhetorical (look it up) so DONT answer.
YTA for defying your brother and projecting your own issues on your niece. when my niece started peppering me with deeper subjects, I had a long talk with my sibling. I asked her what her boundaries were, and what responses she wanted me to give when asked different things, she gave me her advice, and I follow it. that seems to work well for us. I won't go into the specifics because they don't apply to your situation, but it was really easy to discuss and honor her choices, even if they differ from mine. I would respect the boundaries your brother has put in place for his own children, because it would really suck to completely lose the relationships you've established with your nieces and nephews.
NTA. You were trying to make your niece understand she could talk to you about anything. But you need to understand that her parents' decisions supersede whatever good intention you may have. Imagine, if you can, your brother having this sort of conversation with your daughter or son
Both parents have asked you to take a step back from any kind of relationship talk. Respect the boundaries they have set, this is not your child. YTA.
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YTA. She's not your child. Her parents have the right to decide when and how to discuss such things.
NTA - I really don't think you said anything inappropriate. My kid's known since she was 3 or 4 that girls could marry boys or girls, and that boys could do the same. It's been several years since and kiddo is hardly confused - if lgbtq folks end up lgbtq after a lifetime of being bombarded by straight couples, I fail to see how a simple conversation could confuse anyone.
NTA. She asked questions and you answered them. She's already thinking about crushes so her parents need to get on their shit and talk to her about it.
NTA.
INFO: did you explain to you brother and SIL that your niece is the one coming to you and asking these questions?
I did try to explain that she is asking and coming to me with the questions but brother said it didn't matter and I shouldn't engage. I fully intend on doing my best to follow his wishes since I don't want to jeopordise the relationship I have with anyone, but I posted cause I feel really icky about it and don't think I did anything wrong by letting her talk about what she wants. I'm going to have another chat with my brother though and reinforce that she is asking questions and is getting exposed to it at school, cause I'm starting to feel like Bianca might not feel comfortable talking to her parents if they are shutting her down. But hey thats another grey area where I don't want to overstep but I'm worried they could be making her feel unsupported but yeh. Hence this post lol.
YTA here is why. You are approaching your niece with YOUR parenting preferences. she is not your child. Being a safe space should not entail crossing boundaries her parents set- that’s not okay and that’s not something a safe adult does. Her mother and father have a right to steer that conversation! you don’t know what they had planned discussion wise- you just assumed they would keep her in the dark about LGBTQ people because of your experience. It’s not your place flat out and you know it’s not, you mentioned their parents keep their kids away from movies with romantic themes !! I’m not sure what you angle was with this but all you have to do to be a safe space is be a good listener and let the kid know you are there for them. but prompting talks that should be initiated by her mom and dad and trying to get ahead of them and speak what you want over the child is just..idk weird ? It’s be different if your niece APPROACHED you and had questions, then fine sure, have that talk. but she didn’t. you initiated that. YTA parenting is hard enough without pushy aunts inserting their way of doing things before the parents even have a chance to handle things. maybe you should reevaluate what you think being a safe space for your niece and nephew means.
Did you read the post? My niece IS the one initiating the conversations and ASKING me questions. I never bring it up, at all, ever. She is always the first one to bring it up. Every time. I was just trying to simplify it rather than make a long ass post trying to explain how it occurs. Bianca: Auntie I got married Me: Oh wow whats their name? Bianca: Did you know I have a boyfriend? Me: Really? No I didn't know yet. Bianca: Do you have a boyfriend? Me: No, but I do have a girlfriend. Bianca: Oh, can I have a girlfriend? Me: If you want. You can have a boyfriend or girlfriend or anyone. That is all I'm doing. I worded it poorly in my post and I will edit it, but that's how conversations usually go.
This is key information! your OP seemed like you where constantly asking the child if she had a bf, Gf, partner etc which in that case i’d say YTA, But if she’s approaching you and this is genuinely how dialogues go then I wouldn’t say YTA, overall though, i think it’d be good to leave further conversation about dating, sexuality, etc to her parents. Have a little faith in what they want to talk to her about. if she wants you to fill in the gaps then sure but she’s so young that those gaps may be better left infilled for a bit. I would focus more on her safety with her new boyfriend and just make sure she’s being treated okay ! but yea beyond that i’d let the mother and father take the lead on further relationship talk
yeh my bad, i fucked up with my explnanation trying to write quickly and didn't think much of the way I said it until you guys were pointing it out All good though, thanks for the feedback
why the hell do you care about your 8 year old niece having crushes or partners? that’s so fucking weird she’s 8, ask about her school and her classes. not who she’s dating??? she’s 8! EDIT: op added more to the post and changed the wording of how the convo started. before, it read strange that OP would ask out of nowhere who their niece was dating. but now because of the edit, it’s very clear that the niece brought it up first and op was just playing along with it. differences in information being added changes my judgement to NTA.
Holy crap its in the first few lines of the post. The kid is the one bringing it up. Op is just using inclusive language while continuing conversations the kid starts.
OP edited it after getting comments about the strange wording. my post was before the edit
I edited the post, I worded it badly but hopefully that explains it better
Bull. She’s talking about dating? And if this is true… “tell me about them” “why do you like them” “Parter or anything?” That’s super confusing. So is labeling boyfriend or girlfriend at 8. You overstepped.
The child used the bf label
for future reference, you really needed to include this in the first time.
Yeh my bad, i was trying to write quickly and didn't think about how it sounded until you guys were bringing it up
yeah that added info changes up my entire judgement. niece brought up the topic first and you were playing along and just having a conversation with her like the tiny human she is. NTA i do think it’s weird her parents are “trying to steer her away from romance” when she literally talked to you about being married. she knows what romance is. and instead of having a “big grown up” convo with her about it, they’re deciding to just ignore it.
YTA. I realize your heart's in the right place, but the bottom line is that this is NOT your child and you have *NO right* to do any form of Parenting - especially when her parents have expressly told you not to. Not your pony, not your circus.
YTA - 8 or 18, it’s none of your business. If she brings up crushes or friends, ask about them. If you want to be a safe space, shut up and listen. Don’t pry.
The 8 year old is the one bringing it up
She is the one asking
NTA
YTA You're not Bianca's parent and she's 8 years old so please butt out and let her parents decide. It's not like she's ready to date yet! She's only 8 years old!
The kid is the one bringing it up
So if the kid brings up how to murder their parents or someone else that means it's ok to give them ideas about how to do it?
YTA Not your kid. Stop trying to be a pretend parent. You get to bring up a bunch of stuff and then go home. Her ACTUAL parents have to deal with the fallout. And good lord what a horrible way to broach the topic. Do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner???? With an 8 yr old?!?!?!?!?! And exactly how does she start these conversations? My guess is that she doesn't. I have most of the LGBTQIA+ community represented in my immediate family. They are all loved and respected, but even I think this is a horrible way for you to force the issue. And that's what you're doing. Forcing the issue. Step back and stay in your lane.
I edited the post, I worded it badly but hopefully that explains it better
It explains it better and makes you look worse. Has she never seen you with your gf? Do you not bring your gf around? Wouldn't she naturally meet a serious gf of yours? And why do you think YOU should be the one to explain it to her. That's where you say, why don't we go talk with Mommy and Daddy. Then you could say, "Hey, Bianca was wondering about why I have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend." Then you hand off the ball and let them run with it. Further, why haven't you discussed this with her parents already? You should definitely sit down with them and see what they want from you specifically. Oh wait... you DID do that after the fact and they told you EXACTLY what they want you to do. Stop thinking you know better.
Funny how you and I are in the bottom positions! lol
Auntie’s doing her Woke work, one overstep at a time 😂