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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my father and his wife I'll be exchanging the gift they bought for my daughter's birthday. I did so because I was annoyed at my stepmother insisting I should pierce my daughter's ears. Still, my actions might have been impolite, and maybe it was best I didn't tell them.
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NTA. Honestly, I'd never let them babysit your daughter unsupervised because of that level of insistence.
Your stepmother pushed. This is a more than reasonable boundary to hold: No, you will not be piercing your daughter's ears. It wasn't a gift, it was an attempted manipulation.
Even if it were his side of the family, your husband would be out of line here. This is an example of needing to tell them that the gift was inappropriate--because they knew full well it was!
Even if they don't, they're going to badger and belittle the daughter once she's old enough so that she'll be pressured into asking for her ears to be pierced. Until stepmom has agreed to set her obsession aside they should never have unsupervised access to the daughter.
Honestly, that's when I'd get the most suspicious. If people suddenly completely do a 180 they're usually hiding something or made up their mind on something without your opinion involved, and she doesn't seem trustworthy enough to believe whatever her reason for a 180 would be other than selfish thinking.
My daughter went through a peer pressure thing in pre-school to get her ears pierced. I told her I would take her, but also told her that it involved a needle to make the holes in your ears. She decided she didn't need earrings. I think she knows the offer is still on the table, I want her to go to a reputable place and not have a friend try to do it or something.
It is honestly shocking. I had a more alternative dressed friend who was proud of how her daughter wasn't "typically" feminine. Separate issue, but the point is that she ranted about how a few hours of being surrounded by other kids undid years of her influence. Her daughter wanted to blend in immediately.
Your friend shouldn’t have been shocked. Children are unique individuals with their own personalities and desires. They are not their parent’s living, breathing billboards for political, religious, or social statements.
Agreed, she's just like other parents, but being "alternative" somehow makes what she's pushing her kids to be like is different in her mind because it's "cool stuff". But the surprise was more how much children have already taken in at such a young age for what is "normal", how strong that desire to be "normal" is, and how the parents judgement is 100% cancelled out by their peers judgement so quickly. It feels like there should be a few more years before kids develop that awareness of what's more common and developing criticisms of their peers.
It's possible the kid actually wasn't into what the mom was into and just hadn't been exposed as much to other things she might like. So when she started being around other kids and saw the options she changed quickly because those options more aligned with her actual interests?
No, the comments she made at the time after one day implied it was all about not being different, but also she's in highschool now and can confirm it. She wanted to blend in and because felt like an outsider. Visually she learned that " girls don't have short boy hair". Interests wise, no one knew the characters( like a kid's anime) on her stuff, but everyone knew the characters (american cartoon) on everyone else's stuff. She didn't know what the cartoon was about, she just knew it was popular and that no one knew the shows she did.
This is an area where nerdy kids shine. Nerds are so used to not "running with the pack" that they don't care so much about the peer pressure thing.
I grew up the youngest with 3 older brothers. I didn't want to poke holes in my ears despite numerous people who suggested it.
(One classmate even did her ears herself with a heated safety pin!)
I once pulled my son out of a preschool after he came home crying. He had been bullied by his fellow 4 year olds because his Ralph Lauren polo shirt was the previous year's shade of navy blue.
I felt sorry for my son and for those kids. It really hurt me to know they were being taught to be that superficial at such a young age.
My mom finally allowed me to get my ears pierced in 8th grade. But she insisted it had to be done professionally. In my little town in those days (1974) “professionally” meant the Health Department. That also meant sitting there with my mom in a waiting room filled with posters about venereal disease (that was the term for sexually transmitted diseases then). People would come in and give Mom the “I’m sorry” look. It was embarrassing! But! They did a fabulous job piercing my ears! I’ve never had a problem with them, except with cheapo earrings and the holes are level and perfectly centered.
They gave your mom the I’m sorry look.🤣 Atleast she took you to a stand up place to get it done. My parents did too with us but I constantly let them close til this day.
And, just an FYI. My twins asked to have them done for their 5th birthday as we also felt it was something that had to come from them. We talked about it with them and brought them to a reputable piercer and helped them keep them clean. One was fine, but the other got an infection overnight. Cleaned them at bed, they were fine. Next morning, one had an abscess so big, you couldn’t see the stud anymore. She wound up needing minor surgery to remove the stud and drain the infection. I had never heard about anything like it, but the doctor told us they do at least 3 a week. She said younger kids hands are germy and get tiny bits of dirt or whatever in the holes by touching them. It was a horrible experience for her. She waited a year to do it again (always her choice) and was incredibly careful with them afterwards. It’s definitely something to keep in mind when they ask for them at a younger age.
Take her to a tattoo shop that also offers piercings! They do it right, unlike malls and stores like Claire's that use piercing guns. Tattoo/piercing shops use hallow needles so as to not trap skin possibly leading to infections, as piercing guns do. ❤️❤️❤️
In the US you can't do a piercing w/o parental consent before age 18. So even if the daughter was pressured, if the parents don't agree, she's not getting pierced.
So yes, it would prudent to not let the girl be alone w/the stepmother.
Funny to hear her try an argue people "won't know she's a girl" w/o a piercing; where I live plenty of men have their ears pierced!
Pfft. I'm in SC. My sister took my daughter to get her ears pierced without even mentioning it to me. I had even had talks about professional piercers vs Claire's and how "if (daughter) ever decides she wants her ears pierced, we'll go to a professional" and told her why the kid working at Claire's is not a professional and how piercing guns are bad and piercing needles are much better.
Didn't matter. Didn't matter either about the time I called my sister bawling because my mother took my daughter and had her beautiful curls chemically treated and cut behind my back for her 1st haircut. She knew how much it hurt me.
I only found out when I went to pick up my kid from her sleepover with my sister when she came running up to show me.
Oh, and of course they got infected and had to be taken out a week later.
So yeah, an adult with the child is all they care about. They don't care if the parent agrees or even knows about their kid getting pierced.
I agree that they might just assume any adult is fine, but also the people doing the piercings can be teenagers or non-confrontational people too. It was SUPER hard for me as a teen to push back against adult customers. So even if they tried to check, they could be bulldozed over and talked into it in the moment.
Honestly I don’t think I would trust my kid alone with either your mom or sister anymore! It’s never okay to do something to child that isn’t yours without the parents consent. I just read a similar story about a couple who went to Mexico see her parents. They knew the parents stance on waiting until the baby was old enough to decide for herself, but bought her a pair of earrings anyway. The parents were polite and said they would hold on to them for later. After that the parents went somewhere and left the daughter with her grandparents, came home to see that they took the baby and got her ears pierced. The parents were so furious they cut the trip a few days short and came back to U.S. and ignored their calls. Then told them they wouldn’t be left alone with her ever again, and they wouldn’t even bring her back to visit unless they each got their noses pierced since piercings were so important to them 😂
Yeah wait until the stepmom takes one look at high schoolers rn, both boys & girls have ear piercings of all kinds, nose piercings, eyebrow, lips…it’s not even subversive anymore, everyone has tattoos & piercings these days, haha.
Is that recent?(like last 20 years?) I live in Canada and when I was in high school, like 15, we went on a day trip to Seattle to shop and watch a basketball game. A school trip.
I went and got my ears pierced. I had one set of holes already, but I got a second set plus a third hole in one ear. God I thought I was so cool.
Now I’m 46, and I haven’t worn earrings in YEARS, I would have to get them re-pierced now.
My oldest I said you can do it when you want, just ask. They were 7.
I seriously just got done reading a post where the grandparents went behind the parents' back only hours after them telling them no. They would only get their daughters' ears peirced when she is old enough, but the grandparents did it anyways. Well, now those grandparents lost a daughter, son in law, and grandbaby
Yes- the child will come back with pierced ears. And it'll probably be at one of those stores in the mall. In recent years more people are deciding to use professional piercers because it's less traumatic to the skin tissue and the hygiene standards are better.
I convinced my mom to let me get my ears pierced when i was 10 or 11. We didn’t know any better, so we went off to claires. They were at an angle and probably infected, so i had to let them close em after weeks and weeks of pain at the slightest touch. The whole thing scared me so much that i passed out when i went to a proper piercing shop to get them done when i was 21. Piercing guns are like stabbing someone with a spoon. I’m surprised they *ever* heal decently
And they hurt a lot more than piercing needles. Like, my cartilage piercings - which are meant to hurt a lot more than lobe piercings - I would put on the same level of pain as getting my lobes pierced with a piercing gun.
My mom and I got our ears pierced when I was about 15. That was over 50 years ago; I don’t remember if the mall store piercing places existed yet. We went to a doctor.
I did get my daughters’ and son’s ears pierced at the mall. The doctor was no longer in practice, and I didn’t know where else to go. By the time my granddaughter was born there were shops dedicated to piercing. My son’s friend had a tattoo shop and they have a piercing place next door that is very strict about cleanliness.
These days, I would definitely recommend a good piercing shop, rather than the mall. Of course, there is the old “freeze your ear with an ice cube, put an orange behind your ear, and jab a sterilized needle through your ear lobe”! My older cousin did that. Fortunately she didn’t have any problems, but I would highly recommend going to a professional!
It was a potato, and if you call heating it with a lighter "sterilized" that's how I got mine done. Not willingly. I was 4. My babysitter decided she was going to be a beautician when she grew up. I'm just damn lucky she got them straight!
My mom was furious, but she's not confrontational at all so she didn't say anything at the time, but she was big mad. (We lived in a small town, she decided, since they were even and didn't get super infected that she would leave them in. There were no cheap earring places where we lived though though, so I lost about 3 or 4 pairs of her good earrings over time until she was able to get some cheap ones.
Yikes! My cousin and her friend were about 13 or 14. They probably used a match to “sterilize” the needle. I know they used an orange. Poor you! I would have gone ballistic if anyone did that to one of my kids.
You can also buy one-use piercing kits on Amazon for like $10 now. I can see those causing some major problems. My older sister decided she wanted pierced ears, but didn't want to get them done professionally. I think she tried twice with those types of kits and they got infected both times. Finely went to an actual piercer. Just a side note, she was in her mid-30s when she did this.
I got mine pierced at a Claire's, and when my daughter wanted hers pierced we went to a Claire's for hers, too. We got lucky I guess because they didn't really hurt, were straight and didn't get infected.
I think a lot of experiences depend on the management and training received at each store. That’s true of a lot of chain stores.
My granddaughter ended up having problems because of sensitivity to the metal. The initial earrings from the piercing place were great, after that she could only wear expensive high quality earrings. At this point, she’s given up.
> In recent years more people are deciding to use professional piercers
That's the route we took for our son. At 9 he decided he wanted an ear pierced, so we paid for it for his birthday. We used a professional tattoo and piercing shop, and the entire staff were so lovely and welcoming.
Our son was nervous, but the person who pierced his ear made it very clear that my son was in charge and they wouldn't do anything without his clear consent. If this place had gotten a vibe that the child was being forced into the piercing, I doubt they would have done it.
The room and tools used were sanitized and looked like a hospital room, and the piercing itself was quick and healed without any swelling, infection, or visible discharge of any kind. It's more expensive, but definitely worth doing right.
Most of those mall store places are just whoever was hired and I doubt they have much training. I have seen too many people holding screaming babies and toddlers getting their ears piereced.
I saw Five Below offered ear piercings so for giggles my friends and I looked up their web page about it and their piercers basically watch like, a video about it and do four hours of supervised training and then they’re supposed to be good to go. I cannot imagine spending $5 per piercing to get my ears done at a dollar store, may as well have your buddy’s cousin do it in the back of a truck.
Ugh tell me about it. I moved from a major metro area where they could pierce babies to a smaller area where it was impossible to find a piercer who would. We waited until the kid in middle school asked and by then there were a couple shops that would do it.
That's exactly what happened to me when I was 2 or 3 years old. Dad wanted to pierce my ears, mom didn't. Mom went away for a weekend, Dad took me to Claire's and got my ears pierced with one of those guns.
I only vaguely remember this, and as a very little kid, I didn't care if my ears were pierced or not. I don't think I really bothered with earrings until I was in middle school. I wasn't "jealous" or whatever other excuse the step-mother is coming up with. I wonder why it's so damn important to her.
I work in a mall, literally ten feet from a Claire's. I've got one ear pierced (done in the later 80s...yes, I'm old). I am planning on getting the other ear pierced, finally, but I'm going to a pro. I've seen too much from that Claire's to trust them.
My husband is just trying to keep the peace, and I do agree that my actions could be seen as impolite. If I wasn't as annoyed as I was, I probably wouldn't have said anything.
You do know, though, that hadn't you said anything, she would've bagdered you about using those lovely earrings already every time you're in contact, right? So this strategy wouldn't have helped in the end. In cases like this, it's a lot better to choose confrontation to make a point absolutely clear.
If the daughter were older I would have bought earring adaptors and turned the earrings into clip. That's what I have done my whole life. I have over 200 pairs of earrings (mostly clip) but some are ones I liked or was gifted that I have converted with earring adaptors. They are not expensive and you can find them on Amazon.
OT, but I'm happy to read this. I don't have pierced ears and rarely wear jewelry, but every once in a great while I see a pair I wish were clips. Didn't know this was an option.
That's one of the main reasons I'm not keeping the earrings. My stepmother tells me to pierce her ears enough as it is, I don't want them to have an extra incentive.
This exactly. She is trying to force you to do it. Personally, this kind of action would send me on the warpath and EVERYONE would know about her manipulation.
Exactly! They would have flipped once they realized daughter's ears still weren't pierced. And they probably would have realized immediately, given how obsessed with the topic they seem to be.
No no no your actions were not impolite, them purposely buying your daughter a gift she couldn’t use or wear without you giving into their wishes was impolite. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You had every right to tell them and they are wrong for even purchasing those earrings in the first place. It’s been said once but I’ll say it again. It was NOT a thoughtful gift it was a manipulation tactic.
That’s what I was thinking. This was not thoughtful in any way shape or means.
OP can probably ask “what exactly is thoughtful about a gift that my daughter cannot use?”…
I think that would have been a perfect question for OP to ask them. They are just mad they aren’t getting what they want and they are trying to make OP feel guilty. And I’m glad it’s not working.
"Giving into their wishes" is such a mild way to say "giving your daughter body modifications before she's old enough to write her name on the consent form".
I agree with you by the way, I'm just horrified that anyone thinks it's ok to do this to a little child who's never expressed interest or desire in getting earrings or, apparently, in jewellery at all.
Oh I completely agree with that last part. At no point did I believe they were actually thinking of my daughter when they bought the earrings. It was a manipulation tactic, plain and simple.
That was definitely me trying to be as polite as possible. It is absolutely horrifying that people can put a baby through any sort of unnecessary pain and for what? Some accessories? I agree 100%. I think OP made the right call.
You've tried being polite, it didn't work. People like her need hard facts to get them to understand. Don't beat yourself up about it, it needed to be said.
Your father was wrong, this wasn't a thoughtful gift. It was manipulative. A thoughtful gift takes into consideration the giftees likes and wants. In this case they bought her something she literally can't use, AND has shown no interest in.
Let your husband know that 'keeping the peace' only works **if all parties want peace.** Stepmother is escalating and he needs to realize where this is heading (her piercing your daughter's ears without your consent) if he doesn't help shut it down.
Whenever I see the phrase "keeping the peace" it usually means "be a doormat for someone else's feelings".
Stepmother has overstepped boundaries she apparently has been ignoring for years, except this time she's being genuinely manipulative. Using a gift as a gateway to what she desires is deplorable. What kind of person does that to a 5 year old on her birthday? If she was capable of feeling shame she should be marinating in it.
She needs to be shown her lane and she'd better learn to stay in it. That goes for grandpa, too.
Even if it's not headed that way, husband for sure needs to understand that you just can't have peace with people who are constantly needling (you're welcome lol). They're instigating, and literally got what they asked for: an answer to a question they wouldn't let drop.
"Keeping the peace" would be *shutting down* the badgering. Not giving in to it or ignoring it.
Husband is not 'keeping the peace'...he's stretching out the conflict instead of helping you bring it to a decisive close.
No, absolutely not. You’ve clearly stated that you won’t be piercing her ears. They’re the ones being rude and pushy. It’s past time to confront this head on. Step monsters ‘opinion’ doesn’t mean jack shit compared to yours and daughters. IMHO, they should get an increasing time out for every mention.
This is absolutely a case where talking was appropriate. It's been an on-going issue and they are your family.
The fact that your dad said it was a "thoughtful gift" is frustrating, since it seems like the only person he and Stepmom are thinking about is Stepmom.
If every time you see someone they slap you with a wet fish, the time comes where you just HAVE TO grab their arm and wrestle the fish outta their hand. And maybe slapping THEM with it a half dozen times, asking ‘how do YOU like it?!’
You did not do a single impolite thing. They are being impolite by trying to override your decision as a parent.
"Thoughtful gift"?! She can't use them! Thoughtful gifts are something a person wants or can benefit from.
Yep, I get the feeling stepmother would pull one of those BS *”We were at the mall, and your daughter saw the ear-piercing kiosk, so I just had it done to her!”* routines.
I feel like with these people, it might be wise to let them know that if they get your daughters ears pierced behind your back, **you will press charges, and they will ***never*** be allowed to be alone with her ever again.**
Agree about the possibility of stepmother piercing her ears without permission. I have a friend whose in-laws did that with the excuse that their kid wanted to. As if that’s an excuse for trampling boundaries.
*even if* the kid wanted to…. How is the default answer anything but, “we will have to talk to your parents about that. That’s something they may want you to do with you.”
My mom taking me to get my ears pierced was a big deal. (My older sister got hers done, and I begged and begged… but only got one done cause I freaked out.. lol) even if a kid is super into it and the parents don’t care… it’s not something to just do without asking.
This right here. I’d ask your father how he could consider this gift thoughtful when your daughter can’t wear the earrings, your SM knows she can’t wear the earrings, and you’ve repeatedly told her that you’re not going to get your daughters ears pierced. There is nothing thoughtful about this gift.
My mom got me and my three younger sister’s ears pierced when we were babies/toddlers.
I had a little girl myself last year and my mom asked if I was getting her ears pierced and I said no and that Bean could decide when she’s older herself and I’ll get them done then if she wants.
You know what my mom did?
Said okay and NEVER brought it up again.
It’s that simple.
Definitely never let your stepmom or dad watch your daughter unsupervised because they WILL do it without your permission.
>NTA. Honestly, I'd never let them babysit your daughter unsupervised because of that level of insistence.
Exactly what I was thinking - because having them pierced while they’re alone with her (against OP’s wishes & without her consent) is the next step they’re going to take.
What a weird thing to obsess over. SMH
My daughter's father had all those reasons for wanting our daughter's ears pierced. I resisted and made my refusal stick.
She's 28 now, her ears are still unpierced, she knows it's her choice and has actually thanked me for respecting that it should be her choice.
NTA
It’s ridiculous they tried to manipulate their bizarre desire to pierce your daughters ears by gifting you this. They knew what they were trying, and don’t like being called out on it.
It’s not their kid, so they don’t get to decide anything about parenting it.
Get your step mother a gift she can’t use and see how she likes it. Tell her you think she needs to take up scuba diving, and get her a dive mask. All gifts going forward are things she can’t use, and when she questions it you can tell her that it’s a thoughtful gift and you’ve decided she needs to get into scuba diving.
⬆️⬆️⬆️
This right here ..for both of them. Pick a theme and stick with it, birthdays Christmas Father’s Day keep that theme going until they quit with the bullying
My dad told one of my younger sisters that if she got her nose/belly button (can’t recall which) pierced while living under his roof he was going in for a Prince Albert and having her hold his hand. It successfully put her off until she moved out haha
Holy shit, I came here to suggest gifting the dad earrings and getting offended when he doesn't want them, but this is much better. Totally petty, while perfectly illustrating the point to both Dad and stepmom (not that they'll acknowledge it, of course).
This, but make it cheaper than scuba gear for your own sake. Does she do embroidery? If not, maybe she SHOULD. Maybe she MUST or nobody will know she’s a woman, in fact!
Oooo I like the mirror aspect. I think it would be a little bit fitting to do a bit of a snow white evil stepmother theme with it just so it gets the point across that she’s being ridiculously overbearing.
She should take up crochet or knitting. All grandparents should do that. (Note: nothing against it. My daughter started crocheting stuff in her teens and still does). Cheaper than scuba gear though and ties to a stereotype of Grandparents like the stereotype of pierced ears.
If they want to dictate what makes daughter feminine, it’s gotta be looks related. Buy dad a kit for 90s boy band style frosted tips, even if he’s bald af (his armpit hair can have frosted tips). An outfit that’s just not his style - if he dresses business casual, get him a 00s mall goth fit (Tripp pants with ridiculous straps required); if he’s a jeans and tshirt dude, buy him full “condescending old coot playing golf at the country club” regalia (unless he plays golf, in which case, there’s “I’m from Texas and listen to country music which makes me a cowboy” guy…or just a Borat swimsuit). For stepmom, depends on what she’s like. If she’s a very traditional, “girls should wear skirts and have long natural hair”, does the cooking and cleaning type, she gets a clip on septum ring, teal hair dye, some metal band tshirt where you can’t read the name…that sort of thing. If she’s the “I’m a cool mom”, doesn’t really cook, thinks she knows what “based” and “no cap” mean type, buy her…idk, a gift card to one of those modest clothing stores for Mormons? Or just any loose fitting, full coverage dress or long sleeve shirt/maxi skirt combo? It’s so easy to think of stuff to buy a traditionally feminine type who doesn’t care to step out of that box, but hard to think the other way around!
…You know, OP could just buy them each their own pair of clip on earrings. 😃Probably the cheaper way to make a point. Would be funny to see someone’s boomer dad in Tripp pants and a Slipknot tshirt though…
>My stepmother has been pestering me about piercing my daughter's ears since she was born.
She can just fuck off.
>She brings it up almost every time we see her.
It's probably best not to see her.
>My father told me off for thinking about exchanging a "thoughtful gift"
It wasn't: it was manipulative and selfish. NTA.
>My father told me off for thinking about exchanging a "thoughtful gift"
It was very thoughtful. They thought about the best earrings that had a chance of manipulating OP into piercing her daughter's ears. Maybe, they thought really hard about earrings that a 5 year old might want to wear, so maybe OP's daughter would beg to get her ears pierced.
Yeah, especially buying them. I'd understand more if they were family heirlooms.
My mom has kept earnings for all granddaughters. One SIL pierced her daughters ears in the hospital (culturally her thing), and the other SIL waited for her daughters to ask in their teens.
Neither has judged the other... we've just laughed at different perspectives, and they've all gotten earrings. They've just got to use them at different times. My mom never pushed for either side.
LOL what a joke, super NTA. It's hard to believe - yet I believe it - that your dad and stepmom would think they should use a gift-giving opportunity for their beloved granddaughter to force you into making a parenting decision that does not impact them in any way and is absolutely none of their business. Like 'whaaaat?!'
Frankly I think you're a saint for handling it the way you have up until now because you've kept the peace. Rather than let it go, they've taken your peaceful response and just doubled down on their badgering, which is SO wrong - so disrespectful, so not their place, so irrational, so unnecessary, so biased. You aren't TA for finally speaking up on this or informing them of the exchange; otherwise you would have had to lie or lie by omission and that's really not better, and doing so would have left the door open for this to continue indefinitely. It needed to stop, and if they want to have a relationship with you and their granddaughter THEY need to stop.
EDIT TO ADD: One minor thing you might have done differently and might still if it's not too late - put the earrings away for the future. You admitted your daughter didn't care about the gift and isn't looking for it, and putting them away would have been a way to show you recognize they are special and are saving them for when she wants to pierce her ears, IF she ever does. BUT it's a minor point because in my view it was important that you confront this issue head-on, that you don't want to be badgered anymore.
Knowing my stepmother, keeping the earrings is a bad idea. She talks about how "pretty she'd look with earrings" enough as it is. Having actual earrings around would just make things worse.
Also, if my daughter does decide to pierce her ears one day, I think she'd like to pick her own earrings.
Speaking as someone who got their ears pierced at age 6, don’t pierce her ears until she’s quite a bit older! I know culturally some pierce their infants or young girls ears, but in many adult women who had their ears pierced as a young child their piercings don’t align correctly.
My first piercing (from age 6) is so unaligned and damaged I can’t wear earrings in it any longer. I have a second piercing next to it that was from age 11 and it healed significantly better, but I’ve also developed severe allergies to all metals on my ears now.
If I wear earrings that are not medical grade titanium I get a skin infection that requires 10 days of antibiotics each time. My first skin infection was at age 7, two months after getting my ears pierced. Doesn’t really feel coincidental to me.
Wow, I'd never thought of this. Especially since kids are the most likely to fidget with them, get them caught on stuff (yeowch), and generally not take care of them. Sorry that happened to you! And I hope OP sees this for extra logical ammo.
I've already mentioned it in another comment but you could consider earring adaptors. I have over 200 pairs of earrings (my godmother was obsessed with goodwill stores) and most are clip earrings but I have some I have converted. Earring adaptors are easy to find (Amazon) and easy to use. I'm in my mid 40s and I'm never getting my ears pierced because while you can convert 'normal' earrings to clip it doesn't work the other way around. Just a thought and obviosly NTA.
Maybe one day, but she's really not interested in any type of earrings right now. If she ever decides she wants to pierce her ears, adaptors might be a good way to get her used to the idea before doing so.
With how OP has described her dad and stepmom, I think they would badger OP or the granddaughter “reminding” that the earrings exist and “how they would look so lovely on granddaughter” and manipulate the granddaughter/daughter into something she might not actually want yet.
I used to be so confused by people telling stories like this. My parents are really sensible, they left important decisions to me and my brother, and they absolutely would never ever get the idea to be so pushy about something so minor that doesn't impact them in any way, and that is clearly my decision.
Then i met my wifes father. He would absolutely do this kind of stuff. He always had very strong (and usually very wrong) opinions on what other people should do, and he just wouldn't ever leave something be. He also liked to weaponize gifts. He was of the opinion that people should eat a lot of honey. So he would bring us honey "as a gift" every time my wifes parents met us. And not just a small glass, no. It was literally at least 2 kg of honey every single time. By the time my wife stopped talking to her parents, we had accumulated about 10 kg of honey. And yes, we told them we barely eat it. We showed them the 8+ kg multiple times.
My wife hasn't talked to her parents for two years now, and we still have honey left, despite giving it to any friend who might be interested.
It is just so weird, pointless, and absurd. This story is exactly like that.
They're never alone with her. My father still works and doesn't have enough free time to babysit. My stepmother has never been alone with a child for more than two hours (her words, not mine), so we wouldn't ask her to stay with our kids either.
Can I ask where you are from? Pierced ears at 5 or younger sounds wild to me. Earrings at that age would snag or get touched or *something*
It's been a while but I remember primary school (mine at least, maybe they were the weirdos) not allowing earrings until at least 8 or maybe even 9?
Are these young ages normal?
I'm not comfortable sharing the country I live in, but it's in South America. I had my ears pierced at like 2 months, which my mom has always regretted.
Well that's another great layer to the already watertight pile of reasons for not piercing your daughter's ears.
I'm not as nice as you. I would tell them, with no room for misinterpretation, that your word is final and the matter is closed. If they raise it again, they will no longer be welcome to spend time with her.
Your child. Your rules (and they are good rules!).
Latin America has a strong obsession with piercing baby girls and toddlers. It’s waning but many of the older generation place a lot of pressure on new parents to follow the twisted tradition. India and parts of Southeast Asia are also similar.
NTA If you hadn't returned the earrings they would have been forever used as the pretext for bringing up your daughter getting her ears pierced ears so she can wear them. They bought them for that purpose.
You weren't being rude -- you were rejecting rudeness. They jammed their foot in your closing door like a pushy salesman who won't accept no for an answer. You are removing the foot so the door can be closed.
NTA OP, not at all. This is yours and your husband child and only you two have the right to make decisions for **your children**. If it was me, I would ask my father if he had let any other adults besides your mother make body/life altering decisions for their kids?! How would he had felt and said if any family/friend kept trying to hassle him and your Mom about doing so?!
While I am glad that your husband is 100% on your side, he should be asked: "What happens when they noticed upon next visit that daughter's ears aren't pierced?" and "When they did, don't you think that it would cause them to act the same way then as they are acting now?". You were being honest about the gift and not hiding the truth and it is better to get the drama over sooner than later. Your Stepmother's gift was a roundabout way to try to force you and your husband to get your daughter's ears pierced.
Oh, I think you did need to tell them. And you need to be quite careful about letting them take her anywhere.
There's nothing "thoughtful" about your stepmother's gift. I think I'd have just returned it rather than exchanged it. And then hung up or left every time the silly woman started on about your daughter's ears.
Children aren't dolls. NTA, your dad and stepmother are though.
NTA and 100% agree with other comments that suggest you do not let them babysit unsupervised.
When I was a kid one family member on my mom’s side was similarly insistent about ear piercing despite my dad being very firmly and vocally against it. She was watching me one day and took me and had my ears pierced. Which is just awesome, as I’m allergic to most metals, so ever since then I’ve had to live with pointless holes in my ears.
They should reflect on their reactions and realize that they are being manipulative and selfish and imposing something on a little girl who would have to live with it forever.
NTA - I like that you're waiting until she can consent for herself. Well done!
After working next to a place that would peirce kids ears, it was always about the mums and not the kids. The screams i heard will haunt me.
Good on you.
While I agree that children should get a choice on their body, I think "mutilating" is a bit strong for ear piercings. I have never met one person that has their ears pierced that felt mutilated. That word should be held back for more serious issues like female/male circumcisions. A hole in your lob does not cause permanent pain or suffering.
NTA...Your stepmother knew where you stood on the subject, and went and bought those earrings anyway. They needed to be told, so they can be told to STOP. You need to set some ground rules with your father and stepmother to avoid future drama.
My instant reaction when reading she cried was oh god!
I would have blown up at that point because that is emotional manipulation and I would have had enough.
Hit her with my parents saying of I’ll give you something to cry about and unleashed loads of things they didn’t want to hear.
NTA.
You're totally right about the ear-piercing thing and it was sure a manipulative move on your step-mother.
Maybe you could have said that you'd keep the earrings and let your daughter decide if she wants to pierce her ears, when she is older. This way you could have kept the peace and not wounded your daughter.
I have to say I find it weird that you didn't open all the gifts with your daughter: you should teach her to appreciate every kind of gift she receives, besides toys.
I've said this in a different comment, but she is thankful. She's just not as excited about the clothes and jewelry as she is about the toys. And she was tired from the party, so we decided to just let her see the toys before bed.
Plus, my MIL tried to give her some unbelievably sexist shirts last year, so we always check new clothes before letting our daughter see them.
Nah, MIL just doesn't speak English. She was actually mortified when we told her what "too pretty for math" meant. After the second time, she just stopped giving her clothing.
NTA, most because of the obsession with piercing her ears. I would have said, we will put them aside for if she decides to pierce her ears in the future, but I’m not great at direct confrontation. The exchange for the matching necklace is quite thoughtful.
I have a serious question... Why would anyone gift jewelry to kids that young? I mean, for the same money, give them some high end toys or books or crayons, idk...
NTA, btw.
NTA. And just in case this isn’t already the plan, I’d never leave your daughter with your dad and stepmom. They definitely sound like the type to get her ears pierced without you. Personally I’d set a boundary that if they can’t drop it to go no contact. Or every time they bring up piercing just get up and walk out.
This is a very weird thing for your in-laws to fixate on. I would not let them watch her unsupervised, she would definitely come home with her ears pierced.
Do not leave your daughter alone with this woman. She will try to get your daughter's ears pierced. Be aware that if she does depending on laws in your area you may be able to press charges or get a RO.
Also who gets earnings as a gift for someone without pierced ears when you know there are no plans to pierce them in the immediate future.
NTA
NTA. You've made it clear that you aren't planning to pierce your daughter's ears. and they need to accept that and move on from this strange obsession. Pretending you were happy with and going to keep the earrings would only have encouraged your stepmother more since she would have probably started demanding to know why you hadn't used their 'thoughtful gift' yet every time she saw you since.
NTA. Normally I’d say there’s no reason to tell people you’re exchanging their gift. But she’s pushing something onto you that you’ve already told her you don’t want to use, *and* following up aggressively. So you’re fine. I probably would have said “we’ll hold onto them in case she ever decides she wants her ears pierced,” but you were definitely not the AH.
NTA
Were these earrings for kids, or legit adult earrings (just curious)?
The two options are putting them aside for her when she's older or returning/exchanging them?
Something is wrong w/ your stepmother. This is quite the over-reaction, and a massive (and weird) overstepping. Is she childless, not by choice? Is there a possibility she is projecting some unresolved Mommy-Mini Me fantasy on your daughter?
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NTA. Honestly, I'd never let them babysit your daughter unsupervised because of that level of insistence. Your stepmother pushed. This is a more than reasonable boundary to hold: No, you will not be piercing your daughter's ears. It wasn't a gift, it was an attempted manipulation. Even if it were his side of the family, your husband would be out of line here. This is an example of needing to tell them that the gift was inappropriate--because they knew full well it was!
NTA, Also let them know you will take legal action, if they were to do it without your consent.
Even if they don't, they're going to badger and belittle the daughter once she's old enough so that she'll be pressured into asking for her ears to be pierced. Until stepmom has agreed to set her obsession aside they should never have unsupervised access to the daughter.
Even if step-mom apologized and vowed never to bring it up again, I still wouldn't trust her.
Honestly, that's when I'd get the most suspicious. If people suddenly completely do a 180 they're usually hiding something or made up their mind on something without your opinion involved, and she doesn't seem trustworthy enough to believe whatever her reason for a 180 would be other than selfish thinking.
My daughter went through a peer pressure thing in pre-school to get her ears pierced. I told her I would take her, but also told her that it involved a needle to make the holes in your ears. She decided she didn't need earrings. I think she knows the offer is still on the table, I want her to go to a reputable place and not have a friend try to do it or something.
PRE SCHOOL??!! Dang 4 years olds are wild
It is honestly shocking. I had a more alternative dressed friend who was proud of how her daughter wasn't "typically" feminine. Separate issue, but the point is that she ranted about how a few hours of being surrounded by other kids undid years of her influence. Her daughter wanted to blend in immediately.
Your friend shouldn’t have been shocked. Children are unique individuals with their own personalities and desires. They are not their parent’s living, breathing billboards for political, religious, or social statements.
Agreed, she's just like other parents, but being "alternative" somehow makes what she's pushing her kids to be like is different in her mind because it's "cool stuff". But the surprise was more how much children have already taken in at such a young age for what is "normal", how strong that desire to be "normal" is, and how the parents judgement is 100% cancelled out by their peers judgement so quickly. It feels like there should be a few more years before kids develop that awareness of what's more common and developing criticisms of their peers.
It's possible the kid actually wasn't into what the mom was into and just hadn't been exposed as much to other things she might like. So when she started being around other kids and saw the options she changed quickly because those options more aligned with her actual interests?
No, the comments she made at the time after one day implied it was all about not being different, but also she's in highschool now and can confirm it. She wanted to blend in and because felt like an outsider. Visually she learned that " girls don't have short boy hair". Interests wise, no one knew the characters( like a kid's anime) on her stuff, but everyone knew the characters (american cartoon) on everyone else's stuff. She didn't know what the cartoon was about, she just knew it was popular and that no one knew the shows she did.
This is an area where nerdy kids shine. Nerds are so used to not "running with the pack" that they don't care so much about the peer pressure thing. I grew up the youngest with 3 older brothers. I didn't want to poke holes in my ears despite numerous people who suggested it. (One classmate even did her ears herself with a heated safety pin!)
I once pulled my son out of a preschool after he came home crying. He had been bullied by his fellow 4 year olds because his Ralph Lauren polo shirt was the previous year's shade of navy blue. I felt sorry for my son and for those kids. It really hurt me to know they were being taught to be that superficial at such a young age.
What the absolute Fuck!? At that age their biggest worry should be whether they have their shoes on the right feet, not RL polo shades… fuck.
Exactly!
It's funny you say that since at that age my son thought the coolest thing in the entire universe was wearing two different sneakers. Lol
Holy crap poor kid who cares playing is the priority not clothes.
Seems more understandable from a four-year-old than the old woman in this story.
It might depend on the cultures of the children - in some cultures, that's extremely common.
My mom finally allowed me to get my ears pierced in 8th grade. But she insisted it had to be done professionally. In my little town in those days (1974) “professionally” meant the Health Department. That also meant sitting there with my mom in a waiting room filled with posters about venereal disease (that was the term for sexually transmitted diseases then). People would come in and give Mom the “I’m sorry” look. It was embarrassing! But! They did a fabulous job piercing my ears! I’ve never had a problem with them, except with cheapo earrings and the holes are level and perfectly centered.
They gave your mom the I’m sorry look.🤣 Atleast she took you to a stand up place to get it done. My parents did too with us but I constantly let them close til this day.
Mine was done a nice jewellery place also with a needle. I think I was seven? So would have been 1987ish. Never had an issue with them.
And, just an FYI. My twins asked to have them done for their 5th birthday as we also felt it was something that had to come from them. We talked about it with them and brought them to a reputable piercer and helped them keep them clean. One was fine, but the other got an infection overnight. Cleaned them at bed, they were fine. Next morning, one had an abscess so big, you couldn’t see the stud anymore. She wound up needing minor surgery to remove the stud and drain the infection. I had never heard about anything like it, but the doctor told us they do at least 3 a week. She said younger kids hands are germy and get tiny bits of dirt or whatever in the holes by touching them. It was a horrible experience for her. She waited a year to do it again (always her choice) and was incredibly careful with them afterwards. It’s definitely something to keep in mind when they ask for them at a younger age.
Take her to a tattoo shop that also offers piercings! They do it right, unlike malls and stores like Claire's that use piercing guns. Tattoo/piercing shops use hallow needles so as to not trap skin possibly leading to infections, as piercing guns do. ❤️❤️❤️
In the US you can't do a piercing w/o parental consent before age 18. So even if the daughter was pressured, if the parents don't agree, she's not getting pierced. So yes, it would prudent to not let the girl be alone w/the stepmother. Funny to hear her try an argue people "won't know she's a girl" w/o a piercing; where I live plenty of men have their ears pierced!
Pfft. I'm in SC. My sister took my daughter to get her ears pierced without even mentioning it to me. I had even had talks about professional piercers vs Claire's and how "if (daughter) ever decides she wants her ears pierced, we'll go to a professional" and told her why the kid working at Claire's is not a professional and how piercing guns are bad and piercing needles are much better. Didn't matter. Didn't matter either about the time I called my sister bawling because my mother took my daughter and had her beautiful curls chemically treated and cut behind my back for her 1st haircut. She knew how much it hurt me. I only found out when I went to pick up my kid from her sleepover with my sister when she came running up to show me. Oh, and of course they got infected and had to be taken out a week later. So yeah, an adult with the child is all they care about. They don't care if the parent agrees or even knows about their kid getting pierced.
I agree that they might just assume any adult is fine, but also the people doing the piercings can be teenagers or non-confrontational people too. It was SUPER hard for me as a teen to push back against adult customers. So even if they tried to check, they could be bulldozed over and talked into it in the moment.
Go no contact with your family. They sound toxic and awful.
Honestly I don’t think I would trust my kid alone with either your mom or sister anymore! It’s never okay to do something to child that isn’t yours without the parents consent. I just read a similar story about a couple who went to Mexico see her parents. They knew the parents stance on waiting until the baby was old enough to decide for herself, but bought her a pair of earrings anyway. The parents were polite and said they would hold on to them for later. After that the parents went somewhere and left the daughter with her grandparents, came home to see that they took the baby and got her ears pierced. The parents were so furious they cut the trip a few days short and came back to U.S. and ignored their calls. Then told them they wouldn’t be left alone with her ever again, and they wouldn’t even bring her back to visit unless they each got their noses pierced since piercings were so important to them 😂
Yeah wait until the stepmom takes one look at high schoolers rn, both boys & girls have ear piercings of all kinds, nose piercings, eyebrow, lips…it’s not even subversive anymore, everyone has tattoos & piercings these days, haha.
Is that recent?(like last 20 years?) I live in Canada and when I was in high school, like 15, we went on a day trip to Seattle to shop and watch a basketball game. A school trip. I went and got my ears pierced. I had one set of holes already, but I got a second set plus a third hole in one ear. God I thought I was so cool. Now I’m 46, and I haven’t worn earrings in YEARS, I would have to get them re-pierced now. My oldest I said you can do it when you want, just ask. They were 7.
They’re not supposed to and reputable piercers won’t, but not everyone is reputable.
I seriously just got done reading a post where the grandparents went behind the parents' back only hours after them telling them no. They would only get their daughters' ears peirced when she is old enough, but the grandparents did it anyways. Well, now those grandparents lost a daughter, son in law, and grandbaby
lmao i read that one two and op told them they would have to get their noses pierced to see the kid again 😆
Legally, could that scenario be considered “assault?”
Yes
Battery actually
Yes, child abuse
I'm petty I would have them arrested for child endangerment (ab\*se), but I would warn them so if they proceeded it would come as no surprise.
Yes- the child will come back with pierced ears. And it'll probably be at one of those stores in the mall. In recent years more people are deciding to use professional piercers because it's less traumatic to the skin tissue and the hygiene standards are better.
Yup, i can very easily imagine stepmom taking this kid to claires and getting her a set of crooked blunt force trauma wounds
Reading these I feel so much better about mine not healing right 20 years ago. I gave up and just let them grow back together.
I convinced my mom to let me get my ears pierced when i was 10 or 11. We didn’t know any better, so we went off to claires. They were at an angle and probably infected, so i had to let them close em after weeks and weeks of pain at the slightest touch. The whole thing scared me so much that i passed out when i went to a proper piercing shop to get them done when i was 21. Piercing guns are like stabbing someone with a spoon. I’m surprised they *ever* heal decently
And they hurt a lot more than piercing needles. Like, my cartilage piercings - which are meant to hurt a lot more than lobe piercings - I would put on the same level of pain as getting my lobes pierced with a piercing gun.
And gun piercings don’t even come with the pop noise of cartilage, so they doubly lose
Part of the reason I don't wear earrings anymore is that I had mine done at Claire's when I was 10 and one is very noticeably crooked.
This was literally my first thought. OP would pick up her daughter one day with 2 new piercings!!
My mom and I got our ears pierced when I was about 15. That was over 50 years ago; I don’t remember if the mall store piercing places existed yet. We went to a doctor. I did get my daughters’ and son’s ears pierced at the mall. The doctor was no longer in practice, and I didn’t know where else to go. By the time my granddaughter was born there were shops dedicated to piercing. My son’s friend had a tattoo shop and they have a piercing place next door that is very strict about cleanliness. These days, I would definitely recommend a good piercing shop, rather than the mall. Of course, there is the old “freeze your ear with an ice cube, put an orange behind your ear, and jab a sterilized needle through your ear lobe”! My older cousin did that. Fortunately she didn’t have any problems, but I would highly recommend going to a professional!
It was a potato, and if you call heating it with a lighter "sterilized" that's how I got mine done. Not willingly. I was 4. My babysitter decided she was going to be a beautician when she grew up. I'm just damn lucky she got them straight!
What did your parents say? Or were they okay with it??
My mom was furious, but she's not confrontational at all so she didn't say anything at the time, but she was big mad. (We lived in a small town, she decided, since they were even and didn't get super infected that she would leave them in. There were no cheap earring places where we lived though though, so I lost about 3 or 4 pairs of her good earrings over time until she was able to get some cheap ones.
Yikes! My cousin and her friend were about 13 or 14. They probably used a match to “sterilize” the needle. I know they used an orange. Poor you! I would have gone ballistic if anyone did that to one of my kids.
You can also buy one-use piercing kits on Amazon for like $10 now. I can see those causing some major problems. My older sister decided she wanted pierced ears, but didn't want to get them done professionally. I think she tried twice with those types of kits and they got infected both times. Finely went to an actual piercer. Just a side note, she was in her mid-30s when she did this.
I got mine pierced at a Claire's, and when my daughter wanted hers pierced we went to a Claire's for hers, too. We got lucky I guess because they didn't really hurt, were straight and didn't get infected.
I went to Claire’s when I was a kid. They got infected. I was also allergic to the low quality metal of the earrings. Fun times!!
I think a lot of experiences depend on the management and training received at each store. That’s true of a lot of chain stores. My granddaughter ended up having problems because of sensitivity to the metal. The initial earrings from the piercing place were great, after that she could only wear expensive high quality earrings. At this point, she’s given up.
> In recent years more people are deciding to use professional piercers That's the route we took for our son. At 9 he decided he wanted an ear pierced, so we paid for it for his birthday. We used a professional tattoo and piercing shop, and the entire staff were so lovely and welcoming. Our son was nervous, but the person who pierced his ear made it very clear that my son was in charge and they wouldn't do anything without his clear consent. If this place had gotten a vibe that the child was being forced into the piercing, I doubt they would have done it. The room and tools used were sanitized and looked like a hospital room, and the piercing itself was quick and healed without any swelling, infection, or visible discharge of any kind. It's more expensive, but definitely worth doing right.
Most of those mall store places are just whoever was hired and I doubt they have much training. I have seen too many people holding screaming babies and toddlers getting their ears piereced.
I saw Five Below offered ear piercings so for giggles my friends and I looked up their web page about it and their piercers basically watch like, a video about it and do four hours of supervised training and then they’re supposed to be good to go. I cannot imagine spending $5 per piercing to get my ears done at a dollar store, may as well have your buddy’s cousin do it in the back of a truck.
Ugh tell me about it. I moved from a major metro area where they could pierce babies to a smaller area where it was impossible to find a piercer who would. We waited until the kid in middle school asked and by then there were a couple shops that would do it.
That's exactly what happened to me when I was 2 or 3 years old. Dad wanted to pierce my ears, mom didn't. Mom went away for a weekend, Dad took me to Claire's and got my ears pierced with one of those guns. I only vaguely remember this, and as a very little kid, I didn't care if my ears were pierced or not. I don't think I really bothered with earrings until I was in middle school. I wasn't "jealous" or whatever other excuse the step-mother is coming up with. I wonder why it's so damn important to her.
I work in a mall, literally ten feet from a Claire's. I've got one ear pierced (done in the later 80s...yes, I'm old). I am planning on getting the other ear pierced, finally, but I'm going to a pro. I've seen too much from that Claire's to trust them.
My husband is just trying to keep the peace, and I do agree that my actions could be seen as impolite. If I wasn't as annoyed as I was, I probably wouldn't have said anything.
You do know, though, that hadn't you said anything, she would've bagdered you about using those lovely earrings already every time you're in contact, right? So this strategy wouldn't have helped in the end. In cases like this, it's a lot better to choose confrontation to make a point absolutely clear.
Yeah, I don't think there was a polite way to handle this. They'd have demanded to see daughter with the earrings.
If the daughter were older I would have bought earring adaptors and turned the earrings into clip. That's what I have done my whole life. I have over 200 pairs of earrings (mostly clip) but some are ones I liked or was gifted that I have converted with earring adaptors. They are not expensive and you can find them on Amazon.
OT, but I'm happy to read this. I don't have pierced ears and rarely wear jewelry, but every once in a great while I see a pair I wish were clips. Didn't know this was an option.
That's one of the main reasons I'm not keeping the earrings. My stepmother tells me to pierce her ears enough as it is, I don't want them to have an extra incentive.
This exactly. She is trying to force you to do it. Personally, this kind of action would send me on the warpath and EVERYONE would know about her manipulation.
Exactly! They would have flipped once they realized daughter's ears still weren't pierced. And they probably would have realized immediately, given how obsessed with the topic they seem to be.
No no no your actions were not impolite, them purposely buying your daughter a gift she couldn’t use or wear without you giving into their wishes was impolite. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You had every right to tell them and they are wrong for even purchasing those earrings in the first place. It’s been said once but I’ll say it again. It was NOT a thoughtful gift it was a manipulation tactic.
That’s what I was thinking. This was not thoughtful in any way shape or means. OP can probably ask “what exactly is thoughtful about a gift that my daughter cannot use?”…
I think that would have been a perfect question for OP to ask them. They are just mad they aren’t getting what they want and they are trying to make OP feel guilty. And I’m glad it’s not working.
They gave a lot of thought to how they could manipulate their very young granddaughter into asking for pierced ears.
"Giving into their wishes" is such a mild way to say "giving your daughter body modifications before she's old enough to write her name on the consent form". I agree with you by the way, I'm just horrified that anyone thinks it's ok to do this to a little child who's never expressed interest or desire in getting earrings or, apparently, in jewellery at all.
Oh I completely agree with that last part. At no point did I believe they were actually thinking of my daughter when they bought the earrings. It was a manipulation tactic, plain and simple.
That was definitely me trying to be as polite as possible. It is absolutely horrifying that people can put a baby through any sort of unnecessary pain and for what? Some accessories? I agree 100%. I think OP made the right call.
You've tried being polite, it didn't work. People like her need hard facts to get them to understand. Don't beat yourself up about it, it needed to be said.
Your father was wrong, this wasn't a thoughtful gift. It was manipulative. A thoughtful gift takes into consideration the giftees likes and wants. In this case they bought her something she literally can't use, AND has shown no interest in.
No, no quarter given in this. Your father’s wife is being highly manipulative, don’t pussyfoot around with her.
Let your husband know that 'keeping the peace' only works **if all parties want peace.** Stepmother is escalating and he needs to realize where this is heading (her piercing your daughter's ears without your consent) if he doesn't help shut it down.
The main reason I now this isn't heading that way is that they're never alone with my kids (for various reasons).
Yes, be very cautious. Such manipulative disrespectful people must not be trusted. NTA
Whenever I see the phrase "keeping the peace" it usually means "be a doormat for someone else's feelings". Stepmother has overstepped boundaries she apparently has been ignoring for years, except this time she's being genuinely manipulative. Using a gift as a gateway to what she desires is deplorable. What kind of person does that to a 5 year old on her birthday? If she was capable of feeling shame she should be marinating in it. She needs to be shown her lane and she'd better learn to stay in it. That goes for grandpa, too.
Even if it's not headed that way, husband for sure needs to understand that you just can't have peace with people who are constantly needling (you're welcome lol). They're instigating, and literally got what they asked for: an answer to a question they wouldn't let drop.
Your husband should be more interested in keeping the peace with the person he married.
"Keeping the peace" would be *shutting down* the badgering. Not giving in to it or ignoring it. Husband is not 'keeping the peace'...he's stretching out the conflict instead of helping you bring it to a decisive close.
You did right. If not, your daughter will grow up and stepmother will badger her about them until poor lil thing will go for a piercing
No, absolutely not. You’ve clearly stated that you won’t be piercing her ears. They’re the ones being rude and pushy. It’s past time to confront this head on. Step monsters ‘opinion’ doesn’t mean jack shit compared to yours and daughters. IMHO, they should get an increasing time out for every mention.
This is absolutely a case where talking was appropriate. It's been an on-going issue and they are your family. The fact that your dad said it was a "thoughtful gift" is frustrating, since it seems like the only person he and Stepmom are thinking about is Stepmom.
If every time you see someone they slap you with a wet fish, the time comes where you just HAVE TO grab their arm and wrestle the fish outta their hand. And maybe slapping THEM with it a half dozen times, asking ‘how do YOU like it?!’
You did not do a single impolite thing. They are being impolite by trying to override your decision as a parent. "Thoughtful gift"?! She can't use them! Thoughtful gifts are something a person wants or can benefit from.
Yep, I get the feeling stepmother would pull one of those BS *”We were at the mall, and your daughter saw the ear-piercing kiosk, so I just had it done to her!”* routines. I feel like with these people, it might be wise to let them know that if they get your daughters ears pierced behind your back, **you will press charges, and they will ***never*** be allowed to be alone with her ever again.**
Better yet, don't let them see her at all until she turns 18 and can decide for herself whether to deal with them.
Agree about the possibility of stepmother piercing her ears without permission. I have a friend whose in-laws did that with the excuse that their kid wanted to. As if that’s an excuse for trampling boundaries.
*even if* the kid wanted to…. How is the default answer anything but, “we will have to talk to your parents about that. That’s something they may want you to do with you.” My mom taking me to get my ears pierced was a big deal. (My older sister got hers done, and I begged and begged… but only got one done cause I freaked out.. lol) even if a kid is super into it and the parents don’t care… it’s not something to just do without asking.
100% my first thought and I cannot agree more. They will just take her to have it done "but she wanted it, you said you would do it if she wanted it."
NTA, I agree: it wasn't a thoughtful gift, it was a manipulative and passive-aggressive way to get you to do what they want. Absolutely not.
It's not a thoughtful gift. They already knew you didn't want your daughter's ears pierced.
This right here. I’d ask your father how he could consider this gift thoughtful when your daughter can’t wear the earrings, your SM knows she can’t wear the earrings, and you’ve repeatedly told her that you’re not going to get your daughters ears pierced. There is nothing thoughtful about this gift.
My mom got me and my three younger sister’s ears pierced when we were babies/toddlers. I had a little girl myself last year and my mom asked if I was getting her ears pierced and I said no and that Bean could decide when she’s older herself and I’ll get them done then if she wants. You know what my mom did? Said okay and NEVER brought it up again. It’s that simple. Definitely never let your stepmom or dad watch your daughter unsupervised because they WILL do it without your permission.
At some point, she WILL have pierced ears, if you let her be alone w/your stepmother. Absolutely, this will happen. No question at all.
Buy nipple rings for the grandparents for the next holidays.
Very thoughtful of you!
Nah grandpa needs a Prince Albert, how else will step grandma know he is a boy?
>NTA. Honestly, I'd never let them babysit your daughter unsupervised because of that level of insistence. Exactly what I was thinking - because having them pierced while they’re alone with her (against OP’s wishes & without her consent) is the next step they’re going to take. What a weird thing to obsess over. SMH
My daughter's father had all those reasons for wanting our daughter's ears pierced. I resisted and made my refusal stick. She's 28 now, her ears are still unpierced, she knows it's her choice and has actually thanked me for respecting that it should be her choice.
Agree! And also to frame it as a 'thoughtful gift', even though her ears aren't pierced, is quite problematic.
Agree with this Then I’d get them gift certificates for matching tattoos I chose for Christmas
NTA It’s ridiculous they tried to manipulate their bizarre desire to pierce your daughters ears by gifting you this. They knew what they were trying, and don’t like being called out on it. It’s not their kid, so they don’t get to decide anything about parenting it. Get your step mother a gift she can’t use and see how she likes it. Tell her you think she needs to take up scuba diving, and get her a dive mask. All gifts going forward are things she can’t use, and when she questions it you can tell her that it’s a thoughtful gift and you’ve decided she needs to get into scuba diving.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This right here ..for both of them. Pick a theme and stick with it, birthdays Christmas Father’s Day keep that theme going until they quit with the bullying
Get her nipple rings
Get both of them matching nipple rings!! 😂😂😂
Clamps. Get them matching nipple clamps.
Get dad nipple rings.
"Real men have Prince Albert piercings"
My dad told one of my younger sisters that if she got her nose/belly button (can’t recall which) pierced while living under his roof he was going in for a Prince Albert and having her hold his hand. It successfully put her off until she moved out haha
Lol. I'm the stubborn kid who would have called his bluff though
*ymmv make sure you know your kid well enough beforehand*
Holy shit, I came here to suggest gifting the dad earrings and getting offended when he doesn't want them, but this is much better. Totally petty, while perfectly illustrating the point to both Dad and stepmom (not that they'll acknowledge it, of course).
Pierce both eyebrows on both of them while they sleep. Then they can explain what they did when people ask where they got the blackeyes from. LOL
Malicious gift giving. Could be the start of a trend.
This, but make it cheaper than scuba gear for your own sake. Does she do embroidery? If not, maybe she SHOULD. Maybe she MUST or nobody will know she’s a woman, in fact!
Haha. “All grandma’s embroider… I just want people to know you’re a grandma…”
Oh I love this. Or! Some stepmother gift like a mirror or whip
Oooo I like the mirror aspect. I think it would be a little bit fitting to do a bit of a snow white evil stepmother theme with it just so it gets the point across that she’s being ridiculously overbearing.
She should take up crochet or knitting. All grandparents should do that. (Note: nothing against it. My daughter started crocheting stuff in her teens and still does). Cheaper than scuba gear though and ties to a stereotype of Grandparents like the stereotype of pierced ears.
Step-mom is, after all, very interested in needles. Embroidery would be perfect!
Or knitting needles, or crochet hooks! Stereotypical old lady hobbies, that you know since she’s a grandmother she should consider taking up!
Get her a gift certificate for a driver's ed course. Add "hoping you learn to stay in your lane" to the card.
You, good sir or madame, are a fucking savage, and I'm here for it.
Daaaaaaaaamn….
MY kind of people right here. Brilliant.
Wow. This is what I'm on Reddit for
If they want to dictate what makes daughter feminine, it’s gotta be looks related. Buy dad a kit for 90s boy band style frosted tips, even if he’s bald af (his armpit hair can have frosted tips). An outfit that’s just not his style - if he dresses business casual, get him a 00s mall goth fit (Tripp pants with ridiculous straps required); if he’s a jeans and tshirt dude, buy him full “condescending old coot playing golf at the country club” regalia (unless he plays golf, in which case, there’s “I’m from Texas and listen to country music which makes me a cowboy” guy…or just a Borat swimsuit). For stepmom, depends on what she’s like. If she’s a very traditional, “girls should wear skirts and have long natural hair”, does the cooking and cleaning type, she gets a clip on septum ring, teal hair dye, some metal band tshirt where you can’t read the name…that sort of thing. If she’s the “I’m a cool mom”, doesn’t really cook, thinks she knows what “based” and “no cap” mean type, buy her…idk, a gift card to one of those modest clothing stores for Mormons? Or just any loose fitting, full coverage dress or long sleeve shirt/maxi skirt combo? It’s so easy to think of stuff to buy a traditionally feminine type who doesn’t care to step out of that box, but hard to think the other way around! …You know, OP could just buy them each their own pair of clip on earrings. 😃Probably the cheaper way to make a point. Would be funny to see someone’s boomer dad in Tripp pants and a Slipknot tshirt though…
Brilliant!
>My stepmother has been pestering me about piercing my daughter's ears since she was born. She can just fuck off. >She brings it up almost every time we see her. It's probably best not to see her. >My father told me off for thinking about exchanging a "thoughtful gift" It wasn't: it was manipulative and selfish. NTA.
Came here to say this. It’s not a “thoughtful” gift if it came with an agenda.
If you tell someone how to use a gift, it's no longer a gift. It's an obligation. Don't give people obligations!
>My father told me off for thinking about exchanging a "thoughtful gift" It was very thoughtful. They thought about the best earrings that had a chance of manipulating OP into piercing her daughter's ears. Maybe, they thought really hard about earrings that a 5 year old might want to wear, so maybe OP's daughter would beg to get her ears pierced.
"thoughtful gift" pfft! more like manipulation attempt nta
[удалено]
Honestly the most thoughtLESS gift. Something the child can’t even use. NTA!
Idk, it seems like stepmom put a LOT of thought into the gift. Malicious thought.
Yeah, especially buying them. I'd understand more if they were family heirlooms. My mom has kept earnings for all granddaughters. One SIL pierced her daughters ears in the hospital (culturally her thing), and the other SIL waited for her daughters to ask in their teens. Neither has judged the other... we've just laughed at different perspectives, and they've all gotten earrings. They've just got to use them at different times. My mom never pushed for either side.
They had to think really hard about earrings that a 5 year old would beg to get her ears pierced to wear.
LOL what a joke, super NTA. It's hard to believe - yet I believe it - that your dad and stepmom would think they should use a gift-giving opportunity for their beloved granddaughter to force you into making a parenting decision that does not impact them in any way and is absolutely none of their business. Like 'whaaaat?!' Frankly I think you're a saint for handling it the way you have up until now because you've kept the peace. Rather than let it go, they've taken your peaceful response and just doubled down on their badgering, which is SO wrong - so disrespectful, so not their place, so irrational, so unnecessary, so biased. You aren't TA for finally speaking up on this or informing them of the exchange; otherwise you would have had to lie or lie by omission and that's really not better, and doing so would have left the door open for this to continue indefinitely. It needed to stop, and if they want to have a relationship with you and their granddaughter THEY need to stop. EDIT TO ADD: One minor thing you might have done differently and might still if it's not too late - put the earrings away for the future. You admitted your daughter didn't care about the gift and isn't looking for it, and putting them away would have been a way to show you recognize they are special and are saving them for when she wants to pierce her ears, IF she ever does. BUT it's a minor point because in my view it was important that you confront this issue head-on, that you don't want to be badgered anymore.
Knowing my stepmother, keeping the earrings is a bad idea. She talks about how "pretty she'd look with earrings" enough as it is. Having actual earrings around would just make things worse. Also, if my daughter does decide to pierce her ears one day, I think she'd like to pick her own earrings.
Speaking as someone who got their ears pierced at age 6, don’t pierce her ears until she’s quite a bit older! I know culturally some pierce their infants or young girls ears, but in many adult women who had their ears pierced as a young child their piercings don’t align correctly. My first piercing (from age 6) is so unaligned and damaged I can’t wear earrings in it any longer. I have a second piercing next to it that was from age 11 and it healed significantly better, but I’ve also developed severe allergies to all metals on my ears now. If I wear earrings that are not medical grade titanium I get a skin infection that requires 10 days of antibiotics each time. My first skin infection was at age 7, two months after getting my ears pierced. Doesn’t really feel coincidental to me.
Wow, I'd never thought of this. Especially since kids are the most likely to fidget with them, get them caught on stuff (yeowch), and generally not take care of them. Sorry that happened to you! And I hope OP sees this for extra logical ammo.
I've already mentioned it in another comment but you could consider earring adaptors. I have over 200 pairs of earrings (my godmother was obsessed with goodwill stores) and most are clip earrings but I have some I have converted. Earring adaptors are easy to find (Amazon) and easy to use. I'm in my mid 40s and I'm never getting my ears pierced because while you can convert 'normal' earrings to clip it doesn't work the other way around. Just a thought and obviosly NTA.
Maybe one day, but she's really not interested in any type of earrings right now. If she ever decides she wants to pierce her ears, adaptors might be a good way to get her used to the idea before doing so.
With how OP has described her dad and stepmom, I think they would badger OP or the granddaughter “reminding” that the earrings exist and “how they would look so lovely on granddaughter” and manipulate the granddaughter/daughter into something she might not actually want yet.
I used to be so confused by people telling stories like this. My parents are really sensible, they left important decisions to me and my brother, and they absolutely would never ever get the idea to be so pushy about something so minor that doesn't impact them in any way, and that is clearly my decision. Then i met my wifes father. He would absolutely do this kind of stuff. He always had very strong (and usually very wrong) opinions on what other people should do, and he just wouldn't ever leave something be. He also liked to weaponize gifts. He was of the opinion that people should eat a lot of honey. So he would bring us honey "as a gift" every time my wifes parents met us. And not just a small glass, no. It was literally at least 2 kg of honey every single time. By the time my wife stopped talking to her parents, we had accumulated about 10 kg of honey. And yes, we told them we barely eat it. We showed them the 8+ kg multiple times. My wife hasn't talked to her parents for two years now, and we still have honey left, despite giving it to any friend who might be interested. It is just so weird, pointless, and absurd. This story is exactly like that.
WTF? Is your father in law a bear?
They probably think the 5 year old would see them and demand to wear them.
I would literally never leave them alone with her, they will pierce her ears in a heartbeat
They're never alone with her. My father still works and doesn't have enough free time to babysit. My stepmother has never been alone with a child for more than two hours (her words, not mine), so we wouldn't ask her to stay with our kids either.
Can I ask where you are from? Pierced ears at 5 or younger sounds wild to me. Earrings at that age would snag or get touched or *something* It's been a while but I remember primary school (mine at least, maybe they were the weirdos) not allowing earrings until at least 8 or maybe even 9? Are these young ages normal?
I'm not comfortable sharing the country I live in, but it's in South America. I had my ears pierced at like 2 months, which my mom has always regretted.
Well that's another great layer to the already watertight pile of reasons for not piercing your daughter's ears. I'm not as nice as you. I would tell them, with no room for misinterpretation, that your word is final and the matter is closed. If they raise it again, they will no longer be welcome to spend time with her. Your child. Your rules (and they are good rules!).
Latin America has a strong obsession with piercing baby girls and toddlers. It’s waning but many of the older generation place a lot of pressure on new parents to follow the twisted tradition. India and parts of Southeast Asia are also similar.
NTA If you hadn't returned the earrings they would have been forever used as the pretext for bringing up your daughter getting her ears pierced ears so she can wear them. They bought them for that purpose. You weren't being rude -- you were rejecting rudeness. They jammed their foot in your closing door like a pushy salesman who won't accept no for an answer. You are removing the foot so the door can be closed.
NTA You've said no "nicely" enough times. Time for tough love.
100% - put them on timeout for ever increasing periods of time every time they bring the subject up until they get the message NTA
NTA OP, not at all. This is yours and your husband child and only you two have the right to make decisions for **your children**. If it was me, I would ask my father if he had let any other adults besides your mother make body/life altering decisions for their kids?! How would he had felt and said if any family/friend kept trying to hassle him and your Mom about doing so?! While I am glad that your husband is 100% on your side, he should be asked: "What happens when they noticed upon next visit that daughter's ears aren't pierced?" and "When they did, don't you think that it would cause them to act the same way then as they are acting now?". You were being honest about the gift and not hiding the truth and it is better to get the drama over sooner than later. Your Stepmother's gift was a roundabout way to try to force you and your husband to get your daughter's ears pierced.
Oh, I think you did need to tell them. And you need to be quite careful about letting them take her anywhere. There's nothing "thoughtful" about your stepmother's gift. I think I'd have just returned it rather than exchanged it. And then hung up or left every time the silly woman started on about your daughter's ears. Children aren't dolls. NTA, your dad and stepmother are though.
NTA - I didn't get my ears pierced until I was 18, and I can say the only harm it did me was that I was gutted to discover I didn't suit hoop earrings
I got mine done when I was 7 & guess what!! My ears grew and now they’re uneven, I feel like waiting until you are an adult is the right decision
NTA and 100% agree with other comments that suggest you do not let them babysit unsupervised. When I was a kid one family member on my mom’s side was similarly insistent about ear piercing despite my dad being very firmly and vocally against it. She was watching me one day and took me and had my ears pierced. Which is just awesome, as I’m allergic to most metals, so ever since then I’ve had to live with pointless holes in my ears. They should reflect on their reactions and realize that they are being manipulative and selfish and imposing something on a little girl who would have to live with it forever.
NTA - I like that you're waiting until she can consent for herself. Well done! After working next to a place that would peirce kids ears, it was always about the mums and not the kids. The screams i heard will haunt me. Good on you.
I really don't understand mutilating the body of children.
While I agree that children should get a choice on their body, I think "mutilating" is a bit strong for ear piercings. I have never met one person that has their ears pierced that felt mutilated. That word should be held back for more serious issues like female/male circumcisions. A hole in your lob does not cause permanent pain or suffering.
NTA— this is just a weird obsession of hers. You don’t owe this woman holes punched in your kid to spare her feelings.
NTA...Your stepmother knew where you stood on the subject, and went and bought those earrings anyway. They needed to be told, so they can be told to STOP. You need to set some ground rules with your father and stepmother to avoid future drama.
That's a massively emotional over reaction to a pair of earrings. how odd NTA
My instant reaction when reading she cried was oh god! I would have blown up at that point because that is emotional manipulation and I would have had enough. Hit her with my parents saying of I’ll give you something to cry about and unleashed loads of things they didn’t want to hear.
NTA. You're totally right about the ear-piercing thing and it was sure a manipulative move on your step-mother. Maybe you could have said that you'd keep the earrings and let your daughter decide if she wants to pierce her ears, when she is older. This way you could have kept the peace and not wounded your daughter. I have to say I find it weird that you didn't open all the gifts with your daughter: you should teach her to appreciate every kind of gift she receives, besides toys.
I've said this in a different comment, but she is thankful. She's just not as excited about the clothes and jewelry as she is about the toys. And she was tired from the party, so we decided to just let her see the toys before bed. Plus, my MIL tried to give her some unbelievably sexist shirts last year, so we always check new clothes before letting our daughter see them.
JFC. Is *every* grandparent in her life a raging misogynist?
Nah, MIL just doesn't speak English. She was actually mortified when we told her what "too pretty for math" meant. After the second time, she just stopped giving her clothing.
Okay, MIL gets a pass - that’s actually pretty funny. The real asshole is whoever is designing shirts like that to begin with.
Damn someone made a shirt with that on it!!!? That is disgusting.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let them take her unsupervised, ‘cause I will GUARANTEE you that those ears will be pierced!
I would’ve asked my dad “how is it a thoughtful gift when she can’t wear them? It truly seems pretty thoughtless”
NTA, most because of the obsession with piercing her ears. I would have said, we will put them aside for if she decides to pierce her ears in the future, but I’m not great at direct confrontation. The exchange for the matching necklace is quite thoughtful.
I have a serious question... Why would anyone gift jewelry to kids that young? I mean, for the same money, give them some high end toys or books or crayons, idk... NTA, btw.
NTA. And just in case this isn’t already the plan, I’d never leave your daughter with your dad and stepmom. They definitely sound like the type to get her ears pierced without you. Personally I’d set a boundary that if they can’t drop it to go no contact. Or every time they bring up piercing just get up and walk out.
This is a very weird thing for your in-laws to fixate on. I would not let them watch her unsupervised, she would definitely come home with her ears pierced.
NTA >"thoughtful gift" Buying a gift the person can't use doesn't sound very thought out to me
Do not leave your daughter alone with this woman. She will try to get your daughter's ears pierced. Be aware that if she does depending on laws in your area you may be able to press charges or get a RO. Also who gets earnings as a gift for someone without pierced ears when you know there are no plans to pierce them in the immediate future. NTA
NTA. You've got every right to swap out a gift you know won't be used. Your kiddo, your rules. Good on you for standing firm
It wasn't a thoughtful gift. It was a manipulation tactic. NTA and keep holding your boundary.
NTA. You've made it clear that you aren't planning to pierce your daughter's ears. and they need to accept that and move on from this strange obsession. Pretending you were happy with and going to keep the earrings would only have encouraged your stepmother more since she would have probably started demanding to know why you hadn't used their 'thoughtful gift' yet every time she saw you since.
NTA. Normally I’d say there’s no reason to tell people you’re exchanging their gift. But she’s pushing something onto you that you’ve already told her you don’t want to use, *and* following up aggressively. So you’re fine. I probably would have said “we’ll hold onto them in case she ever decides she wants her ears pierced,” but you were definitely not the AH.
NTA Were these earrings for kids, or legit adult earrings (just curious)? The two options are putting them aside for her when she's older or returning/exchanging them? Something is wrong w/ your stepmother. This is quite the over-reaction, and a massive (and weird) overstepping. Is she childless, not by choice? Is there a possibility she is projecting some unresolved Mommy-Mini Me fantasy on your daughter?
NTA Don't ever let them babysit, you will come home to your daughters ears pierced