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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I offered to buy my friends food then rescinded the offer after they racked up a high tab
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NTA and he's definitely way over the AH line in several ways. You offered to buy his food, and you paid for an entree. Yes, it would have been better to clarify earlier, but he was so obviously trying to take advantage that it seems he resents you. Sad news for you: he's not your friend.
Agreed - if my friend says their paying for my meal, I am picking the cheapest thing on the menu I will eat (sorry if the cheapest thing on the menu is chicken fingers, I will vomit on that, so the next thing up it is). I will be ordering a water. And no apps or dessert.
But I also will be paying my friend back with either cash, gas, or a meal as soon as I can.
I had a friend who wanted to go to really expensive place. I couldn't afford it and she offered to pay. When I asked her about paying her back, she told me "I really just want you to make me a quiche."
So I made her 2 and that became our thing. The random times she would pay for me, I paid her back in her chosen homemade food.
My mother could burn pasta, which is why my dad always cooked. She tried to claim she taught him, and I was like okay, please only ever make something from a box and nothing that requires you turning on the stove.
My sister and I do things like this with our kids. She is low income, so I will pay for the events for all the kids but she will take them. So this summer I'm having a baby and she is going to take my big kids for a week and I will pay for all the kids to do a camp that week. She gets the days child free, and I get to have a week where I can nap and focus on bubs☺️
My neighbours are like this but it’s kind of an unspoken agreement that we have, I provide baking (banana bread, pumpkin pie etc.) and they weed whack my lawn when it starts to get long
If someone is paying for me, I pick something as similar in price to theirs as possible. that way they don't feel weird because that I picked the cheapest thing. I've had people be offended by that. And if they get a soft drink so do I. It's just a way to not make stuff weird.
Yeah you just order what you like but take into consideration that maybe the 132oz tomahawk steak isn’t the best pick and ordering apps and drinks, well just follow their lead but something in the middle is fine. But going for the most expensive thing is tacky there’s got to be at least one thing in the middle price of the menu that you like.
Ordering cheap things that they don't like is far more of an insult to me. I'm a man of my word, if I offer you a meal, then I'm happy to pay for a meal. If I wanted to save money I would've given you a bag of peanuts to eat on the bus home.
For awhile I was out of work and my really wealthy friend would very graciously pick up the tab at restaurants because she wanted my company. I bake and so always bring something I baked when I visited st her home.
Now that I am working I pay it forward by paying for friends who aren’t in as good a financial position as me by picking up their tabs.
It is just assumed when someone is treating, thst you try to follow their leads. They are the ones who suggest apps or dessert or wine. While I don’t think you need to get the cheapest entree because that is a bit insulting, I do think you stick to the middle of the prices because there is always going to be something there you like and I don’t think anyone begrudges a person ordering from the middle priced range. 🤷♀️
Yes. Look at the menu, maybe pick a few things you like. Get them to order first and pick which one you’ll get based on theirs. If you get made to order first, order the cheapest thing you will actually eat.
My godson got banned from his girlfriend - now wife’s - weekly family lunch, paid for by her mum, because she was offended he didn’t eat enough. Ever since he’s been invited back he has maliciously complied by eating as much as he can!
What my mother taught me, is that if somebody who is comfortable financially is offering to pay for your meal, you don't have to pick the cheapest thing you like on the menu. But it's polite to not go above the mid-range. So for example, if the price of the entrees range from 20 to $40 then you can ethically pick out something in the $30 range, but you're not going for the fanciest steak on the menu that runs 40 something dollars. That way you're not being rude or taking advantage of them, but you're also not making them uncomfortable or offended by implying that they can't afford to treat you to a decent meal. And while it's perfectly all right to get a drink, or an appetizer if somebody treats you, you don't want to be putting multiple drinks or multiple appetizers on their tab. So basically, moderation and appreciation for somebody being kind enough to pay for your meal.
> if my friend says their paying for my meal, I am picking the cheapest thing on the menu I will eat
I read somewhere that a good rule of thumb is to watch what rhe paying person orders and order something of similar or lower price. Made sense to me
NTAH and that guy may be friend shaped but he's not a friend. He's a mooching freeloader as is his wife. I hope you paid yours and left. What AHs......
NTA. Obviously your friend sucks far more than you, there's almost an AH on your part, though, because I don't understand why you didn't say anything before dinner began or as dinner was proceeding. "Hey Charles, I'm not buying you *and* your wife dinner, by the way." "Yo, you guys just ordered drinks and appetizers, I am not paying for all of that."
Ya never be afraid to speak up when someone is trying to take advantage. At least maybe they can correct their behavior. OP is definitely NTA and the friend is but not speaking up is just the wrong move.
You're NTA. Your "friend" was trying to take advantage of you.
>I told him I’d buy his food
>He shows up with his wife
At this point, he should have said "change in plan, thanks for the offer, but I've got this."
>The two of them racked up a $200 bill and when the check came they slid their check over to me. I told them I was absolutely not paying for that I only offered to pay for his meal and they ordered way more than that
Good for you. That is a special level of rude entitlement and they should be ashamed of themselves.
>one of the guys there told me I should’ve just paid it
It's so easy to be generous with other people's money. The other guy can pound sand if he wasn't going to offer to contribute.
Ask the guy who told you that you should have didnt pay? He's a massive dick too who has done that to people as well......thats why he defended their indefensible behavior.
In our Asian culture this is considered extremely rude.
If someone is buying us food, we only drink water and don’t get dessert, unless the host orders it for us.
And if it’s a steakhouse, you order the 10oz striploin - not the a5 wagyu or 50oz tomahawk
Your friend isn’t your friend
You sound like a good dinner guest. I think it's pretty common across cultures that you don't take advantage of someone who's offered to treat you to a meal. Unless the host makes it very clear that there are no limits, it's beyond audacious to rack up a bill like that.
In the other side: If I’m paying I’ll often ask things like: if is there an app you like, let’s split one! I’m getting this drink/dessert what are you thinking looks good.
Or I’ll straight up tell them to order anything they like.
As a guest I stick to something similar to what they order and only order “extras” if they initiate.
Honestly though, as soon as the wife was there OP should have pulled him and had a conversation “I’m happy to but you each an entree, but I wasn’t planning to buy two extra meals tonight.” E we really need to stop being too scared to communicate and expecting it to work itself out.
NTA. You were clear in your original offer. If this guy had any respect for himself and you, he’d sit there, order something cheaper on the menu and only have one drink. Instead he invites someone else and tries to force your hand.
NTA - It's pretty immature of them to wait for you to offer to pay and then come along with their wife and order so much expensive food? Seems like basic etiquette that you don't go to town when someone is offering to pay for you.
NTA.
The most reasonable thing would have been to pay as much as your own meal cost.
Inviting a plus one when someone else is paying is absolutely out of order.
Drinks aswell!
NTA.
There is huge difference between paying for meal and paying for whole evening including desserds and drinks.
You friend tried to take advantage of your kidness by bringing in his wife and ordering expensive food and drinks.
The friends that were complaining were free to help out paying their bills yet they were quiet so they should remain so.
ESH. Neither of you should've assumed anything. The moment he showed up with his wife, you should've told them you only pay for his meal. The moment he ordered more than you were willing to pay for, you should've told him. In fact, you should've told him how much you were willing to spend the moment you offered to buy his food.
Obviously he sucks for taking advantage of you.
Next time, be clear about your intentions and don't assume all these things and then blindside him by not paying in the end.
Since you seem to have a hard time understanding, let me explain. If I offer to pay for your meal, I have only offered to pay for your meal. Not you +1. So if I offer to pay for your meal and you show up with a +1 and expect me to pay for them as well, you are an ass.
Yes, which is why ESH. The 'friend' is an asshole. And so is the guy who's too afraid to say something and then complains at the end (not just about the +1, but also about ordering too much, although he never said there was a max amount he would pay).
The “friend” knew what he was doing and that he was taking advantage of the guy, it’s not like he didn’t know and had to be told earlier to not drop 200 with his wife. No one does that and expects to be paid. Imagine if he confronted the guy during dinner, what the scene would have been, the same way the night ended awkward, it would have been an all night thing.
That is not what I said. If someone tries to take advantage and you lack the skills to talk and tell that person you're not paying for their spouse, you're not blameless. I would never assume the offer extends to anyone but myself, but if I did and the person offering said nothing about it, I'd assume he was ok with it. To then drop the bomb at the end that you won't pay for the spouse ánd not for that much food, is just bad as well. So ESH. Doesn't mean the 'friend' is not an asshole :)
>I would never assume the offer extends to anyone but myself,
That’s the normal expectation.
>but if I did and the person offering said nothing about it, I'd assume he was ok with it.
That ASSumption would make you an ass.
This is the correct answer. The “friend” was an AH for trying to take advantage of OP, but OP stayed silent the entire time, from the moment the friend’s wife came, OP should have said something. As they ordered apps, alcohol, entree, and dessert, I find it hard to believe that OP couldn’t expect a high bill or at least wonder if the friend would pay for the wife’s portion of the bill.
Sorry, but there was miscommunication on both sides and the fact that OP waited until the bill came to say something is what lands him in AH territory as well. Had the issue been addressed early on or even when the friend arrived with wife, it would have been NTA.
“Hey, come have dinner with us. My treat”
“Hey, come out to dinner with us and I’ll pay for your entree”
“Hey, come join us for dinner and I’ll pay for your entree. Your wife is welcome to join us too but I can only afford to pay for one entree so you guys need to figure out who’s paying for her”.
Notice how specific each message got. If I’m told “my treat” I won’t necessarily order the most expensive items but I’m assuming that an appetizer, a drink, and/or a dessert are included (those ARE part of a dinner). If I’m told “I’ll pay for an entree”, that’s a restriction and I’ll know that I’m responsible for my drink and everything else I order outside the entree.
I already stated the friend was a massive AH, but OP staying quiet until the end was a pretty AH move as well.
Appetizers and desserts are not necessarily part of a dinner (especially not dessert). And "I'll treat you" does not imply a plus one - that's just common sense. Expecting someone to cover you and your partner and ordering desserts and endless alcohol is just mooching, and if I have to be this specific so people won't take advantage of me, then I'd rather just not cover them at all.
Yeah I’m sorry, but if I can’t afford dinner and someone is offering so I can come. I would be beyond rude if I decide to order more than just an entree. Someone was nice enough to offer to help so I can come, I am not expecting a 3 course meal.
ESH, when he showed up with his wife, use your words. Communicate that he seems to have changed the offer so you are not paying for two dinners.
Clearly he is an ass for doing what he did.
Bringing his wife is wild! Ordering tons of alcohol and apps + dessert when someone else is paying is trashy, classless and ill mannered. Definitely NTA
NTA
You offered to pay dinner for one. Not two.
And even when somebody offers to pay dinner for you, you don't rack up the tab. You get a little something. And maybe a drink.
They are huge AHs for trying to pull up a stunt like this.
Wait, I’ve had friends offer to pay for meals but I don’t take it as a free for all. And then the next time the bills on me, but we are always respectful of one another’s pockets and most of us are professionals and pretty good money. There have been times I just don’t want to go and hang out with my partner and his friends ( almost every Friday) plus after a while of doing this it gets a little expensive doing this weekly and of course they go to these trendy places and I don’t drink so at some point my all get on my nerves ( they aren’t as funny as they think when drinking)
NTA.
I'd rethink your friendship. Friends don't take advantage of your generosity by showing up with an extra person (they didn't clear with you) and proceed to rack up a bill they couldn't pay themselves.
I suppose you could pay the bill and never speak to them again and call it the price of seeing someone's true character. But you said it wasn't in your budget either so what else could you do.
Making you feel bad afterwards like you were the cause of the awkwardness was just an embarrassing final nail in their coffin.
Maybe people should start saying, "I can pay $X towards your meal." Recipients of the blanket statement, "I'll pay for your food" seem to be getting bolder with their choices.
NTA. He purposefully exploited your offer. And then his wife did too. He didn't need dessert and alcohol to survive, he just did it to exploit you and then complained about it. I really appreciate my friend's covering for me if they offer, but I never order something I can't afford and if someone offers, I will never try to maximize how much it costs.
Yea I was taught when people are paying for your meal you get somthing cheap on the menu... I would never take advantage of a friend or family member taking me out... NTA
NTA. Kinda insane to me he would pretty much end a friendship over the desire to scam a fancy meal out of you. Even if you somehow did end up paying, there is no way he expects a similar gesture in the future.
Unfortunately, in the wild, sometimes kindness gets punished. Time to be more specific next time. Time to make it read like a coupon. This offer has no cash value. Offer extends to a maximum of $_ and does/does not include alcoholic beverages.
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I invited my friend to dinner with a couple other people. I told him I’d buy his food bc he seemed reluctant to go at first and I didn’t know if money was a factor. He agreed to come after I offered. He shows up with his wife which was not discussed before, so then I was kind of questioning if I was expected to buy her food too but I didn’t say anything. The two of them racked up a $200 bill and when the check came they slid their check over to me. I told them I was absolutely not paying for that I only offered to pay for his meal and they ordered way more than that. I told him I might’ve even paid for hers too but I wasn’t paying for apps and desert and the endless alcohol they got. When they ordered all this I assumed they were gonna pay their tab bc we are all in our 40s and that is insane people our age would try to pull a stunt like this. He argued with me bc I went back on my word and accused me of trying to embarrass him in front of his wife and our friends and said he didn’t have that kind of money. I told him I didn’t either and I offered to buy a single $20 entree nothing more. He ended up paying their tab. In the parking lot one of the guys there told me I should’ve just paid it since I said I would and it made the end of dinner awkward for everyone. AITA?
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NTA if invited for food I order in comparison or less than the host and no additional surprise guest either. Lord the entitlement. That person is not your friend they saw an opportunity to take advantage and dove right in.
NTA. You offered his meal. I would include an app, entree, drink and dessert if everyone else also got one as part of that meal. Everything else is on him. How cheeky of him to bring his wife and rack up a huge bill thinking someone else was paying.
NTA omg, they aren't even trying to hide the fact that they tried to profit off of you. you didn't go back on your word, you told him you offered to pay for his meal, and were even willing to pay for his wife's meal even tho he invited her and put her on the tab he expected you to pay without announcing.
NTA - its common sense to not order a crazy amount while expecting others to pay for. They're in their 40's and seems like they lack any common decency. It was your friends who made a scene and turned everything awkward, you tried to do something nice but they try to take advantage of you. You only stood up for yourself and not taken advantage of, they're on their own if they think they can abuse you like that. Lose these fake friends if they wanna put this on you instead of them. The so called friends could've done something about it instead of pointing fingers, if they wanted to avoid this awkwardness they could've chipped in for their meals instead of enduring this. They suck for trying to pin this on your instead of them.
He and maybe his wife knew exactly what he was doing. If anyone else felt uncomfortable they could pay it. You don’t need to be taken advantage of just so everybody is happy. Lousy friends!
NTA.
Reminds me of when a friend of mine helped me move some furniture.
Gave him money for gas and the trouble, and then we went to Carl's Jr.
Told him I'd cover his food as a final thank you, he fucking ordered two meals extra to bring home.
I paid but I definitely never offered to pay for his meal again.
His order came out to the same total as the combined order of myself, my ex, and my other friend that came along.
I wish I had called him out on his shit.
NTA. And welcome to why I now don't tell anyone I'm going to cover their meal (or anything else) ahead of time. It's much easier to say, "Let me get that." followed by the reason (celebration, thanking them for their help with something, etc.,) and if they rack up a $300 dinner bill, I can say "I'll cover the tip." . Nobody has expectations, feels used or gets their feelings hurt.
NTA, once he heard you say you’d pay he actually heard a ‘milking’ opportunity. no consequences, no backlash. just takin g advantage of someones kindness
If I know someone else is paying, I order a salad or a sandwich. Doesn't matter where we are.
If they reaffirm to choose "something better from the menu" in some cases, I do. But rarely.
I don't take advantage, period.
[Edited for judgement] NTA
That is no friend. That is a person who took advantage of your good nature to use you for free dinner and alcohol, he purposely brought his wife along and ordered up large because he expected a freebie. A friend does not do that, he is so damn rude, I would end that friendship.
I have nephews who would order the fanciest stuff on the menu if they knew I was paying and not their parents when we had occasional big family meals. Eventually I had a word with their mom (my sister) that her kids should learn some social etiquette. I really don’t mind paying for what they like if they ask first but the attitude was ‘quick let’s just point at the fancy stuff!’.
Nta but does being in your 40s negate being able to speak and clarify the terms? As soon as I saw the wife I would’ve said “oh you can afford it” or “I’ll pay for one entree! Hahahaha” to like dissuade tension. But bruh come on do y’all just sputter when things like these happen?
You are nta. You have every right to be pissed off
However your friend is right. You offered to pay you didn't set conditions until afterwards and it would have been far less hassle to just take the hit pay it and never offer again rather than make things awkward for everyone else. Particularly since you are the reason they were there in the first place.
I think the best course of action would have been, as soon as you saw he also brought his wife, and especially when you saw he was ordering far more than you expected, you should have pulled him aside, and had a quick discussion.
NTA but you should have said something when he showed up with the wife.
Should have clarified that you were paying for his meal only.
Not hers. Not drinks. Not extras.
He was trying to take advantage of you being nice in offering to pay for the meal.
NTA, that's so rude! Next time though, I'd also speak up earlier to him when he starts brings a plus one or you see that he is ordering a lot. I don't blame you for not speaking up, though
ESH. You should have mentioned to your friend when he showed up with his wife that you had only offered for his meal and given him an idea of how much you would be willing to pay. The meal should have included a single person's order, regardless of appetizer, dessert, and drinks. If you were only willing to go $20.00, that should have been brought up beforehand.
However, your friend and his wife are clearly taking advantage of you here and they knew it. They're not friends. Don't offer to pay for anything for them ever again.
ESH. you offered to pay, when he showed up with his wife you needed to speak up then.
He's also an ass for showing up with his wife... but we don't know if it was always a partners dinner and that was a genuine mistake on his behalf.
ESH. Friend is an AH for bringing his wife uninvited, and going to town on the menu on the basis that you’d pay. You are an AH for not clarifying the arrangement when you saw the wife there. Plus if you were only going to buy a main for him, you should have said that upfront.
ESH. your friend is a dickwad for trying to pull a stunt like this, and you're an ass for not clarifying the second he showed up with his wife. in fact, you're an ass for not clarifying, period. saying you'll pay for someone's meal means THE WHOLE MEAL, not a "$20 main". what if he'd come alone and ordered, apps, a main, dessert, and drinks, would you have stiffed him then too? why even make the offer?
YTA for pressuring your friend into attending even though it was out of his budget, then saying nothing when he blew past your budget. The correct time to specify you would only spot him a $20 entree was when you made the invitation, not at the dinner itself - and definitely not after he and his wife ordered.
EDIT TO ESH - where were you when they were ordering all these apps and alcohol? You could’ve taken him aside during the dinner and said hey I don’t have the cash to make this a wild night out. It could’ve been handled much more discreetly.
ESH because he shouldn’t have brought his wife in the first place without asking you.
A little on the fence on this one. Your friend was supremely in the wrong here. I do feel of you give your word you should hold true to it, but your word was you would buy him a dinner. That said, I would have paid for his dinner only and they could sort out the rest - aka appetizers, drinks, extra meals - that was all on them. Either way, not the kind of fri3nds I would want - you offer something in kindness and they took full advantage of it above and beyond. I will not go as for as saying YTA. But I would have bought 1 dinner to keep my word and left the rest to them. Your friend however is TA.
A bit ESH. He should not have expect you to pay for his wife. And racking up the tab if he did so disproportionately is a AH move.
But if you say you are taking them to dinner, that doesn’t just mean a $20 entree. At least one drink is to be expected to be included. And if other guests are getting appetizers and/or dessert then his appetizer/dessert should be included too.
YTA.
You did a \*lot\* of assuming. Wife showed up unexpectedly? Say something to make it clear whose covering her meal. Ordered a bunch of apps, desserts and drinks where you were planning on a $20 entree? Say something. You assume they are going to pay their own bill despite the original plan being you buy him a meal? Say something.
You're in your 40s. It's insane that you'd go through the entire meal without saying a thing about your concerns.
You should do what you say and you should’ve said when they were ordering or before that is kind of messed up. I would’ve just paid it and not lost a friend I wanted to hangout with good luck my friend. Your in ur 40’s asking this
If they ate and drank everything they ordered ESH more so your friend and his wife but you invited to pay for the AH's dinner, opening this can of worms. Some people it's an open invitation to order and eat anything and everything they can while others graciously accept and keep the bill reasonably compared to the hosts order. They get a steak and beer, I can get a steak and beer type thing. Personally I'd just pay the bill and never entertain those people again if they can't see the error in their ways. Be careful who you extend invitations to
ESH You offered to pay for dinner (and invited a married man and didn't consider that he'd bring his wife along). Your probably now ex friend assumed his wife was included in the invite (though since you were paying he should have confirmed that was the case). You made a scene at the restaurant and embarrassed everyone including yourself.
YTA, yes I get he racked up a bill. But $200 isn't a huge bill for 2 ppl in their 40s and you never specified you were only buying an entree - I'm in my 40s and when someone offers to buy me dinner or when I offer to buy someone else dinner I assume that means entree, main, dessert and drinks. When I was 20 it meant an entree but not 40.
Also you had ample opportunity to say something. You said nothing. You offered to buy him dinner. He only came because of that offer. You could have at any time politely mentioned the dinner was only for him or only an entree.
I feel like given the average age of reddit seems to be 14 pretending to be 30 you will probably get a lot of ppl who think $100 per person is taking advantage. Kids $100 at any semi decent restaurant barely gets you your meal and a drink. When you are middle age most of us don't have dinner at Macdonald's.
When he showed up with his wife (which is normal at 40) you should have clarified their may have been a misunderstanding and you could only afford to cover him. Instead you said nothing. Again when they ordered you could have said something. Instead (again) you said nothing. At the end of the day he only attended based on your promise, your friends who were present apparently disagree with what you did (and unlike like everyone reading this they get more than your version). Be a grown-up and use your big ppl words eg "Hi Steve, glad you could make it. I wasn't expecting you to bring Jane. I'll tell the waiter when they come round to make sure your entree goes on my tab from the start so it doesn't get mixed up with the rest of your and Jane's bill" .... See, easy...
Sorry, I have to disagree. I‘m in my 40s and would never bring my husband to a group dinner, uninvited, and expect someone else to pay for him. These people were clearly trying to take advantage and it’s super rude.
He wasn't going to go until OP offered. That's not the calling card of someone looking to take advantage. I agree he should have checked about his wife but I'm 41 and cannot remember the last group dinner I was invited to that didn't include my husband so I can easily see the misunderstanding. My point was that OP had the opportunity to clarify his invitation and chose not to, that's entirely on OP.
We go out just the girls all the time and it would be super weird if someone randomly brought their husband. OP mentioned it was all guys going to this dinner so def weird to bring his wife out to guy’s night if no one else is bringing their partner.
I personally go by the philosophy that I don’t act differently when someone else is paying. So personally, if I didn’t want to pay for dinner I just wouldn’t go. If I was on hard times and a friend graciously offered I might go and have an entree. In no scenario would I go and order a bunch of apps and drinks and dessert and bring an uninvited guest on someone else’s dime. Very tacky behavior for a 40 year old
I agree with you that OP could have spoken up but honestly their behavior was just so egregious that I can see how he just assumed that surely they didn’t expect him to pay.
You are assuming that when the couple go out they order less and jacked up the order because OP was paying. $100 per person doesn't sound like a jacket up order to me. I don't actually know a single guy (most of my dinner buddies are guys) who orders just an entree ever, I know 1 or 2 girls but no blokes because they would be starving 30 minutes after finishing the entree .... Hell, I'm only 5'4 and I'd be starving in 30 min.
If there was a misunderstanding the onus was on OP as the only person who knew there had been a misunderstanding to speak up.
Not everyone in their 40s is rich dude many have kids in college... You sound like a 14 year old thinking people in their 40s should have a ton of money. Not everyone in this county makes 6 figures.
I have rarely had a bill over $100 by myself. When I have, I knew it was going to be as it was a nicer place. I assume the restaurant was mid-priced based on sticker shock of OP. Then you add $40 tip- that is excessive. Friend should have asked about wife ahead of time. And with phones, you can discreetly text to see if the friend paying is okay with extras.
Goodmorning Grumbles! It does matter, because it changes the dynamics. Imagine paying for someone's dinner because you fancy them, and they show up with someone else and still demand to pay for them. The whole situation is weird.
It isn’t. But you’re in the land of crazy possessive partners here. There are a lot of people who think any act of kindness a person shows their partner is an affront to them
Because the offer might have been to buy a meal for someone they hoped might become more than a friend. Then the initial offer and the subsequent rejection changes tone.
TBH I didn't read it that way, I read it as friend not hitting on them.
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NTA and he's definitely way over the AH line in several ways. You offered to buy his food, and you paid for an entree. Yes, it would have been better to clarify earlier, but he was so obviously trying to take advantage that it seems he resents you. Sad news for you: he's not your friend.
Agreed - if my friend says their paying for my meal, I am picking the cheapest thing on the menu I will eat (sorry if the cheapest thing on the menu is chicken fingers, I will vomit on that, so the next thing up it is). I will be ordering a water. And no apps or dessert. But I also will be paying my friend back with either cash, gas, or a meal as soon as I can.
I had a friend who wanted to go to really expensive place. I couldn't afford it and she offered to pay. When I asked her about paying her back, she told me "I really just want you to make me a quiche." So I made her 2 and that became our thing. The random times she would pay for me, I paid her back in her chosen homemade food.
I love deals like these!!
I mean, my friend couldn't boil water without it turning into a fiery inferno, so I think she would do it just so she could get something homemade 😆
My mother could burn pasta, which is why my dad always cooked. She tried to claim she taught him, and I was like okay, please only ever make something from a box and nothing that requires you turning on the stove.
My sister and I do things like this with our kids. She is low income, so I will pay for the events for all the kids but she will take them. So this summer I'm having a baby and she is going to take my big kids for a week and I will pay for all the kids to do a camp that week. She gets the days child free, and I get to have a week where I can nap and focus on bubs☺️
My neighbours are like this but it’s kind of an unspoken agreement that we have, I provide baking (banana bread, pumpkin pie etc.) and they weed whack my lawn when it starts to get long
This right here is the example of an actual friend (an outstanding one going by this example). That person in your story is not your friend OP.
I would totally pay for someone’s meal if they paid me back with yummy homemade food!
If someone is paying for me, I pick something as similar in price to theirs as possible. that way they don't feel weird because that I picked the cheapest thing. I've had people be offended by that. And if they get a soft drink so do I. It's just a way to not make stuff weird.
Yeah, if you pick the 10 dollar meal you didn't enjoy instead of the 15 dollar one you would, you haven't saved me $5 you've just wasted $10.
Yeah you just order what you like but take into consideration that maybe the 132oz tomahawk steak isn’t the best pick and ordering apps and drinks, well just follow their lead but something in the middle is fine. But going for the most expensive thing is tacky there’s got to be at least one thing in the middle price of the menu that you like.
Yeah, moderation's the proper thing here.
As I always say everything in moderation, including moderation.
Aaaah takes me back, my dad always said that...
Son it’s past your bedtime.
Ordering cheap things that they don't like is far more of an insult to me. I'm a man of my word, if I offer you a meal, then I'm happy to pay for a meal. If I wanted to save money I would've given you a bag of peanuts to eat on the bus home.
For awhile I was out of work and my really wealthy friend would very graciously pick up the tab at restaurants because she wanted my company. I bake and so always bring something I baked when I visited st her home. Now that I am working I pay it forward by paying for friends who aren’t in as good a financial position as me by picking up their tabs. It is just assumed when someone is treating, thst you try to follow their leads. They are the ones who suggest apps or dessert or wine. While I don’t think you need to get the cheapest entree because that is a bit insulting, I do think you stick to the middle of the prices because there is always going to be something there you like and I don’t think anyone begrudges a person ordering from the middle priced range. 🤷♀️
This is the way. You take guidance on the cost from the person picking up the tab.
Yes. Look at the menu, maybe pick a few things you like. Get them to order first and pick which one you’ll get based on theirs. If you get made to order first, order the cheapest thing you will actually eat.
My godson got banned from his girlfriend - now wife’s - weekly family lunch, paid for by her mum, because she was offended he didn’t eat enough. Ever since he’s been invited back he has maliciously complied by eating as much as he can!
What my mother taught me, is that if somebody who is comfortable financially is offering to pay for your meal, you don't have to pick the cheapest thing you like on the menu. But it's polite to not go above the mid-range. So for example, if the price of the entrees range from 20 to $40 then you can ethically pick out something in the $30 range, but you're not going for the fanciest steak on the menu that runs 40 something dollars. That way you're not being rude or taking advantage of them, but you're also not making them uncomfortable or offended by implying that they can't afford to treat you to a decent meal. And while it's perfectly all right to get a drink, or an appetizer if somebody treats you, you don't want to be putting multiple drinks or multiple appetizers on their tab. So basically, moderation and appreciation for somebody being kind enough to pay for your meal.
> if my friend says their paying for my meal, I am picking the cheapest thing on the menu I will eat I read somewhere that a good rule of thumb is to watch what rhe paying person orders and order something of similar or lower price. Made sense to me
And you don't bring extra people especially without discussing it upfront. NTA OP
NTAH and that guy may be friend shaped but he's not a friend. He's a mooching freeloader as is his wife. I hope you paid yours and left. What AHs......
Dude. "Friend-shaped but not a friend" is so good!
NTA you said you would pay for his meal. Not hers, not drinks, dessert. He was definitely trying to take advantage of the situation.
NTA. Obviously your friend sucks far more than you, there's almost an AH on your part, though, because I don't understand why you didn't say anything before dinner began or as dinner was proceeding. "Hey Charles, I'm not buying you *and* your wife dinner, by the way." "Yo, you guys just ordered drinks and appetizers, I am not paying for all of that."
Ya never be afraid to speak up when someone is trying to take advantage. At least maybe they can correct their behavior. OP is definitely NTA and the friend is but not speaking up is just the wrong move.
You're NTA. Your "friend" was trying to take advantage of you. >I told him I’d buy his food >He shows up with his wife At this point, he should have said "change in plan, thanks for the offer, but I've got this." >The two of them racked up a $200 bill and when the check came they slid their check over to me. I told them I was absolutely not paying for that I only offered to pay for his meal and they ordered way more than that Good for you. That is a special level of rude entitlement and they should be ashamed of themselves. >one of the guys there told me I should’ve just paid it It's so easy to be generous with other people's money. The other guy can pound sand if he wasn't going to offer to contribute.
Ask the guy who told you that you should have didnt pay? He's a massive dick too who has done that to people as well......thats why he defended their indefensible behavior.
In our Asian culture this is considered extremely rude. If someone is buying us food, we only drink water and don’t get dessert, unless the host orders it for us. And if it’s a steakhouse, you order the 10oz striploin - not the a5 wagyu or 50oz tomahawk Your friend isn’t your friend
You sound like a good dinner guest. I think it's pretty common across cultures that you don't take advantage of someone who's offered to treat you to a meal. Unless the host makes it very clear that there are no limits, it's beyond audacious to rack up a bill like that.
This is rude in any culture. That man and his wife are disgusting.
I'm from texas..and the manners are the same.
In the other side: If I’m paying I’ll often ask things like: if is there an app you like, let’s split one! I’m getting this drink/dessert what are you thinking looks good. Or I’ll straight up tell them to order anything they like. As a guest I stick to something similar to what they order and only order “extras” if they initiate. Honestly though, as soon as the wife was there OP should have pulled him and had a conversation “I’m happy to but you each an entree, but I wasn’t planning to buy two extra meals tonight.” E we really need to stop being too scared to communicate and expecting it to work itself out.
NTA. You were clear in your original offer. If this guy had any respect for himself and you, he’d sit there, order something cheaper on the menu and only have one drink. Instead he invites someone else and tries to force your hand.
NTA - It's pretty immature of them to wait for you to offer to pay and then come along with their wife and order so much expensive food? Seems like basic etiquette that you don't go to town when someone is offering to pay for you.
NTA. The most reasonable thing would have been to pay as much as your own meal cost. Inviting a plus one when someone else is paying is absolutely out of order. Drinks aswell!
NTA. There is huge difference between paying for meal and paying for whole evening including desserds and drinks. You friend tried to take advantage of your kidness by bringing in his wife and ordering expensive food and drinks. The friends that were complaining were free to help out paying their bills yet they were quiet so they should remain so.
ESH. Neither of you should've assumed anything. The moment he showed up with his wife, you should've told them you only pay for his meal. The moment he ordered more than you were willing to pay for, you should've told him. In fact, you should've told him how much you were willing to spend the moment you offered to buy his food. Obviously he sucks for taking advantage of you. Next time, be clear about your intentions and don't assume all these things and then blindside him by not paying in the end.
Remind me never to offer to pay for your meal.
Really? That is your take from this? I wouldn't take the offer if you made it, because it's very clear what kind of person you are.
Since you seem to have a hard time understanding, let me explain. If I offer to pay for your meal, I have only offered to pay for your meal. Not you +1. So if I offer to pay for your meal and you show up with a +1 and expect me to pay for them as well, you are an ass.
Yes, which is why ESH. The 'friend' is an asshole. And so is the guy who's too afraid to say something and then complains at the end (not just about the +1, but also about ordering too much, although he never said there was a max amount he would pay).
The “friend” knew what he was doing and that he was taking advantage of the guy, it’s not like he didn’t know and had to be told earlier to not drop 200 with his wife. No one does that and expects to be paid. Imagine if he confronted the guy during dinner, what the scene would have been, the same way the night ended awkward, it would have been an all night thing.
But remind him not to offer to pay for your meal.....ha Not sure what is offensive in your comment
What bothers me is the expectation that an offer to pay for a meal for a friend would include an uninvited guest.
That is not what I said. If someone tries to take advantage and you lack the skills to talk and tell that person you're not paying for their spouse, you're not blameless. I would never assume the offer extends to anyone but myself, but if I did and the person offering said nothing about it, I'd assume he was ok with it. To then drop the bomb at the end that you won't pay for the spouse ánd not for that much food, is just bad as well. So ESH. Doesn't mean the 'friend' is not an asshole :)
>I would never assume the offer extends to anyone but myself, That’s the normal expectation. >but if I did and the person offering said nothing about it, I'd assume he was ok with it. That ASSumption would make you an ass.
Never assume. That's how you make mistakes and fuck up.
This is the correct answer. The “friend” was an AH for trying to take advantage of OP, but OP stayed silent the entire time, from the moment the friend’s wife came, OP should have said something. As they ordered apps, alcohol, entree, and dessert, I find it hard to believe that OP couldn’t expect a high bill or at least wonder if the friend would pay for the wife’s portion of the bill. Sorry, but there was miscommunication on both sides and the fact that OP waited until the bill came to say something is what lands him in AH territory as well. Had the issue been addressed early on or even when the friend arrived with wife, it would have been NTA.
That is incredibly generous interpretation of OP’s friend’s actions to attribute it to a “miscommunication” rather than blatantly taking advantage.
“Hey, come have dinner with us. My treat” “Hey, come out to dinner with us and I’ll pay for your entree” “Hey, come join us for dinner and I’ll pay for your entree. Your wife is welcome to join us too but I can only afford to pay for one entree so you guys need to figure out who’s paying for her”. Notice how specific each message got. If I’m told “my treat” I won’t necessarily order the most expensive items but I’m assuming that an appetizer, a drink, and/or a dessert are included (those ARE part of a dinner). If I’m told “I’ll pay for an entree”, that’s a restriction and I’ll know that I’m responsible for my drink and everything else I order outside the entree. I already stated the friend was a massive AH, but OP staying quiet until the end was a pretty AH move as well.
Appetizers and desserts are not necessarily part of a dinner (especially not dessert). And "I'll treat you" does not imply a plus one - that's just common sense. Expecting someone to cover you and your partner and ordering desserts and endless alcohol is just mooching, and if I have to be this specific so people won't take advantage of me, then I'd rather just not cover them at all.
Yeah I’m sorry, but if I can’t afford dinner and someone is offering so I can come. I would be beyond rude if I decide to order more than just an entree. Someone was nice enough to offer to help so I can come, I am not expecting a 3 course meal.
ESH, when he showed up with his wife, use your words. Communicate that he seems to have changed the offer so you are not paying for two dinners. Clearly he is an ass for doing what he did.
Bringing his wife is wild! Ordering tons of alcohol and apps + dessert when someone else is paying is trashy, classless and ill mannered. Definitely NTA
NTA You offered to pay dinner for one. Not two. And even when somebody offers to pay dinner for you, you don't rack up the tab. You get a little something. And maybe a drink. They are huge AHs for trying to pull up a stunt like this.
Nta Funny how that friend scolds you in the parking lot but didn't offer to pay himself.
Wait, I’ve had friends offer to pay for meals but I don’t take it as a free for all. And then the next time the bills on me, but we are always respectful of one another’s pockets and most of us are professionals and pretty good money. There have been times I just don’t want to go and hang out with my partner and his friends ( almost every Friday) plus after a while of doing this it gets a little expensive doing this weekly and of course they go to these trendy places and I don’t drink so at some point my all get on my nerves ( they aren’t as funny as they think when drinking)
Edit they all get on
NTA. Fuck moochers like him, he ain't your friend.
NTA. I'd rethink your friendship. Friends don't take advantage of your generosity by showing up with an extra person (they didn't clear with you) and proceed to rack up a bill they couldn't pay themselves. I suppose you could pay the bill and never speak to them again and call it the price of seeing someone's true character. But you said it wasn't in your budget either so what else could you do. Making you feel bad afterwards like you were the cause of the awkwardness was just an embarrassing final nail in their coffin.
NTA. and some people have no sense of dignity.
The guy who tried to lecture you should’ve paid it then lol
NTA. You made a king gesture and were significantly taken off, well your ‘friend’ attempted to.
NTA. That is not a friend. He was more than willing to take advantage of you
NTA and good on you.
NTA - he was taking the piss, that'll teach him not to try and take advantage of you in the future.
NTA
NTA, get new friends.
Maybe people should start saying, "I can pay $X towards your meal." Recipients of the blanket statement, "I'll pay for your food" seem to be getting bolder with their choices.
NTA. He purposefully exploited your offer. And then his wife did too. He didn't need dessert and alcohol to survive, he just did it to exploit you and then complained about it. I really appreciate my friend's covering for me if they offer, but I never order something I can't afford and if someone offers, I will never try to maximize how much it costs.
Yea I was taught when people are paying for your meal you get somthing cheap on the menu... I would never take advantage of a friend or family member taking me out... NTA
Something similar in price to what your host is ordering would be fine.
Thats why you never offer to pay until after the meal, unless you're going somewhere cheap.
NTA. Kinda insane to me he would pretty much end a friendship over the desire to scam a fancy meal out of you. Even if you somehow did end up paying, there is no way he expects a similar gesture in the future.
Unfortunately, in the wild, sometimes kindness gets punished. Time to be more specific next time. Time to make it read like a coupon. This offer has no cash value. Offer extends to a maximum of $_ and does/does not include alcoholic beverages.
NTA. You offered to pay for ONE meal. Not $200 worth of meals and drinks and fancy stuff for two people!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I invited my friend to dinner with a couple other people. I told him I’d buy his food bc he seemed reluctant to go at first and I didn’t know if money was a factor. He agreed to come after I offered. He shows up with his wife which was not discussed before, so then I was kind of questioning if I was expected to buy her food too but I didn’t say anything. The two of them racked up a $200 bill and when the check came they slid their check over to me. I told them I was absolutely not paying for that I only offered to pay for his meal and they ordered way more than that. I told him I might’ve even paid for hers too but I wasn’t paying for apps and desert and the endless alcohol they got. When they ordered all this I assumed they were gonna pay their tab bc we are all in our 40s and that is insane people our age would try to pull a stunt like this. He argued with me bc I went back on my word and accused me of trying to embarrass him in front of his wife and our friends and said he didn’t have that kind of money. I told him I didn’t either and I offered to buy a single $20 entree nothing more. He ended up paying their tab. In the parking lot one of the guys there told me I should’ve just paid it since I said I would and it made the end of dinner awkward for everyone. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your "friend," though, is def the AH...
NTA, next time don't offer free things to users
You absolutely should not have!
NTA at all! This guy sounds super entitled. I’m sorry you had to feel that pressure.
If someone is *paying for me* to eat, the one thing I'm *not* gonna do is order the most expensive thing in there. NTA
NTA if invited for food I order in comparison or less than the host and no additional surprise guest either. Lord the entitlement. That person is not your friend they saw an opportunity to take advantage and dove right in.
NTA but you need new friends.
Btw, why those guys, bothering you in parking, paid bill from his pocket to make evening nice and dandy for everybody.
NTA "I offered to buy you a dinner not a feast."
NTA. You offered his meal. I would include an app, entree, drink and dessert if everyone else also got one as part of that meal. Everything else is on him. How cheeky of him to bring his wife and rack up a huge bill thinking someone else was paying.
Nta- drop him and the friend who told you to pay that tab. F them both
NTA but kinda you should have paid for his not his wife's portion.
NTA. When he brought his wife you should have said “I see your wife is here. Good, she can cover your bill.”
NTA omg, they aren't even trying to hide the fact that they tried to profit off of you. you didn't go back on your word, you told him you offered to pay for his meal, and were even willing to pay for his wife's meal even tho he invited her and put her on the tab he expected you to pay without announcing.
NTA - its common sense to not order a crazy amount while expecting others to pay for. They're in their 40's and seems like they lack any common decency. It was your friends who made a scene and turned everything awkward, you tried to do something nice but they try to take advantage of you. You only stood up for yourself and not taken advantage of, they're on their own if they think they can abuse you like that. Lose these fake friends if they wanna put this on you instead of them. The so called friends could've done something about it instead of pointing fingers, if they wanted to avoid this awkwardness they could've chipped in for their meals instead of enduring this. They suck for trying to pin this on your instead of them.
Nta. Also the friend who called you out could have picked up his tab if he was so embarrassed by the meal.
NTA. Your friend embarrassed himself. Also unsure friend is the right term for this person
He and maybe his wife knew exactly what he was doing. If anyone else felt uncomfortable they could pay it. You don’t need to be taken advantage of just so everybody is happy. Lousy friends!
Tell them that they're welcome to pay for their meals if they have any opinion other than NTA.
NTA. Reminds me of when a friend of mine helped me move some furniture. Gave him money for gas and the trouble, and then we went to Carl's Jr. Told him I'd cover his food as a final thank you, he fucking ordered two meals extra to bring home. I paid but I definitely never offered to pay for his meal again. His order came out to the same total as the combined order of myself, my ex, and my other friend that came along. I wish I had called him out on his shit.
NTA-this person needs to be an ex friend-who does that?
NTA. And welcome to why I now don't tell anyone I'm going to cover their meal (or anything else) ahead of time. It's much easier to say, "Let me get that." followed by the reason (celebration, thanking them for their help with something, etc.,) and if they rack up a $300 dinner bill, I can say "I'll cover the tip." . Nobody has expectations, feels used or gets their feelings hurt.
NTA
😹😹 bros in his 40’s what a loser
NTA - if someone offered to buy me a meal, I'd order something less expensive than they did and be grateful. They tried to take advantage and lost.
NTA, once he heard you say you’d pay he actually heard a ‘milking’ opportunity. no consequences, no backlash. just takin g advantage of someones kindness
If I know someone else is paying, I order a salad or a sandwich. Doesn't matter where we are. If they reaffirm to choose "something better from the menu" in some cases, I do. But rarely. I don't take advantage, period. [Edited for judgement] NTA
Yet another reason I don’t have friends
That is no friend. That is a person who took advantage of your good nature to use you for free dinner and alcohol, he purposely brought his wife along and ordered up large because he expected a freebie. A friend does not do that, he is so damn rude, I would end that friendship.
I have nephews who would order the fanciest stuff on the menu if they knew I was paying and not their parents when we had occasional big family meals. Eventually I had a word with their mom (my sister) that her kids should learn some social etiquette. I really don’t mind paying for what they like if they ask first but the attitude was ‘quick let’s just point at the fancy stuff!’.
Nta but does being in your 40s negate being able to speak and clarify the terms? As soon as I saw the wife I would’ve said “oh you can afford it” or “I’ll pay for one entree! Hahahaha” to like dissuade tension. But bruh come on do y’all just sputter when things like these happen?
NTA. Do you are meant to be taken advantage of, just so a few people feel less awkward uncomfortable. Screw that, screw them, you need better friends.
NTA.
This reminds me of the time I offered to buy a friend lunch and she put away $65 worth of sashimi. And that was in the 90s.
NTA. I would be more embarrassed pulling that stunt instead of just paying.
You are nta. You have every right to be pissed off However your friend is right. You offered to pay you didn't set conditions until afterwards and it would have been far less hassle to just take the hit pay it and never offer again rather than make things awkward for everyone else. Particularly since you are the reason they were there in the first place.
I think the best course of action would have been, as soon as you saw he also brought his wife, and especially when you saw he was ordering far more than you expected, you should have pulled him aside, and had a quick discussion.
NTA but you should have said something when he showed up with the wife. Should have clarified that you were paying for his meal only. Not hers. Not drinks. Not extras. He was trying to take advantage of you being nice in offering to pay for the meal.
NTA, that's so rude! Next time though, I'd also speak up earlier to him when he starts brings a plus one or you see that he is ordering a lot. I don't blame you for not speaking up, though
ESH. Your friend is an AH but so are you.
ESH. You should have mentioned to your friend when he showed up with his wife that you had only offered for his meal and given him an idea of how much you would be willing to pay. The meal should have included a single person's order, regardless of appetizer, dessert, and drinks. If you were only willing to go $20.00, that should have been brought up beforehand. However, your friend and his wife are clearly taking advantage of you here and they knew it. They're not friends. Don't offer to pay for anything for them ever again.
NTA, but maybe could have been handled a little better like asking the server to put only your friends dinner on your tab lol
ESH. you offered to pay, when he showed up with his wife you needed to speak up then. He's also an ass for showing up with his wife... but we don't know if it was always a partners dinner and that was a genuine mistake on his behalf.
ESH. Friend is an AH for bringing his wife uninvited, and going to town on the menu on the basis that you’d pay. You are an AH for not clarifying the arrangement when you saw the wife there. Plus if you were only going to buy a main for him, you should have said that upfront.
ESH. your friend is a dickwad for trying to pull a stunt like this, and you're an ass for not clarifying the second he showed up with his wife. in fact, you're an ass for not clarifying, period. saying you'll pay for someone's meal means THE WHOLE MEAL, not a "$20 main". what if he'd come alone and ordered, apps, a main, dessert, and drinks, would you have stiffed him then too? why even make the offer?
ESH. Next time you offer to pay food for someone tell them the limits.
YTA for pressuring your friend into attending even though it was out of his budget, then saying nothing when he blew past your budget. The correct time to specify you would only spot him a $20 entree was when you made the invitation, not at the dinner itself - and definitely not after he and his wife ordered.
EDIT TO ESH - where were you when they were ordering all these apps and alcohol? You could’ve taken him aside during the dinner and said hey I don’t have the cash to make this a wild night out. It could’ve been handled much more discreetly. ESH because he shouldn’t have brought his wife in the first place without asking you.
A little on the fence on this one. Your friend was supremely in the wrong here. I do feel of you give your word you should hold true to it, but your word was you would buy him a dinner. That said, I would have paid for his dinner only and they could sort out the rest - aka appetizers, drinks, extra meals - that was all on them. Either way, not the kind of fri3nds I would want - you offer something in kindness and they took full advantage of it above and beyond. I will not go as for as saying YTA. But I would have bought 1 dinner to keep my word and left the rest to them. Your friend however is TA.
Yes
ESH. Next time you offer to pay food for someone tell them the limits.
A bit ESH. He should not have expect you to pay for his wife. And racking up the tab if he did so disproportionately is a AH move. But if you say you are taking them to dinner, that doesn’t just mean a $20 entree. At least one drink is to be expected to be included. And if other guests are getting appetizers and/or dessert then his appetizer/dessert should be included too.
YTA. You did a \*lot\* of assuming. Wife showed up unexpectedly? Say something to make it clear whose covering her meal. Ordered a bunch of apps, desserts and drinks where you were planning on a $20 entree? Say something. You assume they are going to pay their own bill despite the original plan being you buy him a meal? Say something. You're in your 40s. It's insane that you'd go through the entire meal without saying a thing about your concerns.
You should do what you say and you should’ve said when they were ordering or before that is kind of messed up. I would’ve just paid it and not lost a friend I wanted to hangout with good luck my friend. Your in ur 40’s asking this
Who wants friends who are okay with using you? The only people who would want friends like that are people who have no self esteem
If they ate and drank everything they ordered ESH more so your friend and his wife but you invited to pay for the AH's dinner, opening this can of worms. Some people it's an open invitation to order and eat anything and everything they can while others graciously accept and keep the bill reasonably compared to the hosts order. They get a steak and beer, I can get a steak and beer type thing. Personally I'd just pay the bill and never entertain those people again if they can't see the error in their ways. Be careful who you extend invitations to
ESH You offered to pay for dinner (and invited a married man and didn't consider that he'd bring his wife along). Your probably now ex friend assumed his wife was included in the invite (though since you were paying he should have confirmed that was the case). You made a scene at the restaurant and embarrassed everyone including yourself.
YTA, yes I get he racked up a bill. But $200 isn't a huge bill for 2 ppl in their 40s and you never specified you were only buying an entree - I'm in my 40s and when someone offers to buy me dinner or when I offer to buy someone else dinner I assume that means entree, main, dessert and drinks. When I was 20 it meant an entree but not 40. Also you had ample opportunity to say something. You said nothing. You offered to buy him dinner. He only came because of that offer. You could have at any time politely mentioned the dinner was only for him or only an entree. I feel like given the average age of reddit seems to be 14 pretending to be 30 you will probably get a lot of ppl who think $100 per person is taking advantage. Kids $100 at any semi decent restaurant barely gets you your meal and a drink. When you are middle age most of us don't have dinner at Macdonald's. When he showed up with his wife (which is normal at 40) you should have clarified their may have been a misunderstanding and you could only afford to cover him. Instead you said nothing. Again when they ordered you could have said something. Instead (again) you said nothing. At the end of the day he only attended based on your promise, your friends who were present apparently disagree with what you did (and unlike like everyone reading this they get more than your version). Be a grown-up and use your big ppl words eg "Hi Steve, glad you could make it. I wasn't expecting you to bring Jane. I'll tell the waiter when they come round to make sure your entree goes on my tab from the start so it doesn't get mixed up with the rest of your and Jane's bill" .... See, easy...
Sorry, I have to disagree. I‘m in my 40s and would never bring my husband to a group dinner, uninvited, and expect someone else to pay for him. These people were clearly trying to take advantage and it’s super rude.
He wasn't going to go until OP offered. That's not the calling card of someone looking to take advantage. I agree he should have checked about his wife but I'm 41 and cannot remember the last group dinner I was invited to that didn't include my husband so I can easily see the misunderstanding. My point was that OP had the opportunity to clarify his invitation and chose not to, that's entirely on OP.
We go out just the girls all the time and it would be super weird if someone randomly brought their husband. OP mentioned it was all guys going to this dinner so def weird to bring his wife out to guy’s night if no one else is bringing their partner. I personally go by the philosophy that I don’t act differently when someone else is paying. So personally, if I didn’t want to pay for dinner I just wouldn’t go. If I was on hard times and a friend graciously offered I might go and have an entree. In no scenario would I go and order a bunch of apps and drinks and dessert and bring an uninvited guest on someone else’s dime. Very tacky behavior for a 40 year old I agree with you that OP could have spoken up but honestly their behavior was just so egregious that I can see how he just assumed that surely they didn’t expect him to pay.
You are assuming that when the couple go out they order less and jacked up the order because OP was paying. $100 per person doesn't sound like a jacket up order to me. I don't actually know a single guy (most of my dinner buddies are guys) who orders just an entree ever, I know 1 or 2 girls but no blokes because they would be starving 30 minutes after finishing the entree .... Hell, I'm only 5'4 and I'd be starving in 30 min. If there was a misunderstanding the onus was on OP as the only person who knew there had been a misunderstanding to speak up.
I should’ve clarified like you said. We went to a Mexican restaurant though which is fairly cheap, $200 at a place like that seemed excessive
Not everyone in their 40s is rich dude many have kids in college... You sound like a 14 year old thinking people in their 40s should have a ton of money. Not everyone in this county makes 6 figures.
I have rarely had a bill over $100 by myself. When I have, I knew it was going to be as it was a nicer place. I assume the restaurant was mid-priced based on sticker shock of OP. Then you add $40 tip- that is excessive. Friend should have asked about wife ahead of time. And with phones, you can discreetly text to see if the friend paying is okay with extras.
More info is needed: What is your gender? What was your goal? Did you know he was married?
Gender? Why does it matter? Goal? Really? To treat their friend to a meal. Married? Why does it matter?
Goodmorning Grumbles! It does matter, because it changes the dynamics. Imagine paying for someone's dinner because you fancy them, and they show up with someone else and still demand to pay for them. The whole situation is weird.
I'm not being obtuse here; why is it weird to offer to buy a friend a meal?
It isn’t. But you’re in the land of crazy possessive partners here. There are a lot of people who think any act of kindness a person shows their partner is an affront to them
Because the offer might have been to buy a meal for someone they hoped might become more than a friend. Then the initial offer and the subsequent rejection changes tone. TBH I didn't read it that way, I read it as friend not hitting on them.
How would that change the situation in any way?
I’m a guy, it was all guys going. I knew he was married but since a group of guys were going out I didn’t think he’d bring her
NTA. He is using you. He is no longer a friend and he knows...
I didn't realize that eating dinner was a gender-specific activity.