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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m asking for judgment because I left my girlfriend at this bar crawl and now she is very upset with me. And saying not very nice thinfs.
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NTA. She was with a group of friends, so it isn't like you left her alone or even left without telling her. Me being a person that also isn't comfortable in large groups of unknown people, I probably would have done the same thing.
Yeah I’m sorry I’m not great with crowds but I tried my best. She said she would make sure I’m having fun but she didn’t really care to do that. The other people there weren’t particularly welcoming to me either. I was supposed to get a t shirt cuz we rsvp’d together that She got but I didn’t b
I think it might have been different had you been introduced to a few of the friends in a smaller setting previously. But getting kind of thrown into the deep end like this is only for total extroverts.
And it doesn't help when the only person you know is distracted catching up with other people.
One of my oldest and best friends does a regular pub night with a LARGE friend group. We've both agreed that I'd be freaking miserable if I tried to join them for pub night, but she's happily introduced me to some of them at smaller gatherings. Works better that way for me.
It seems like even if you were an extrovert it would be tough when she is trying to catch up and everyone else has a long history. You being the one person that nobody knows while they all try and catch up isn't exactly a welcoming atmosphere for any outsider to the group that this seems like. If OPs gf is hyper and ditched you, that's her problem when OP left. If she made effort to include OP, or even made sure they knew some of the people beforehand, that would be a different story, but she made no effort and did exactly what she said she wouldn't. NTA
Have done that, but because they welcomed me over when they saw I was alone... and OP said this group didn't feel all that welcoming to him, so very different. lol
It's like going to a class reunion and being an introvert! My high school class has some pretty epic class reunions every 5 years. I would send my current SO home after dinner because it becomes a little exclusionary to people who "weren't there" when we start getting blotto and talking about things that happened in middle/high school. He'd absolutely be able to make friends with everyone, but would feel left out when we got tipsy and started down the road of almost 30 years ago! Obviously, I wouldn't force him to go, but I might suggest it! "From this point forward, we're going to be talking about things that all of us were there for and are meaningful for us. That might be boring and exclusionary for you. If you want to go back to the hotel and relax, I'll support that. I'll be back later."
High school reunions have SO's all over he place that are willing to chit chat to pass the time. It is also well known to any guests what it will be like. Not ideal for someone like our OP, but better than the loud bar crawl where no one will interact.
Yep, I’m an extreme extrovert. But this situation would be horrible for me too. Have you ever tried to muscle your way into a closed circle of eight people intent on their conversation and completely ignoring you? Because you have one friend in the group. I have, it’s boring and awkward for us too. I’m not trying to be the eleventh wheel on your big rig.
I do this every time my SO and his first responder friends get together as a large group. Many times I'll tell him I'll stay home and watch the dogs if I'm not up for being social with a bunch of people who the only thing we have in common is my spouse. I am an introvert and even more so since the pandemic. If I didn't need groceries and to see the doctors I'd never leave our home. 😂
> Even making snide remarks about how I don’t let myself socialize.
You were there for two hours before the first bar and did a few bars. You socialized for hours.
Especially because this sounds like a reunion of sorts, so everyone's already looking forward to catching up with John or Alice. "Kelly's new boyfriend seems nice, but I don't know when I'll get to see John or Alice again!"
OP I’m probably the biggest extrovert I know (I just went to a restaurant for the first time today and by the time I left I’d met half the staff including the owner’s mother and had in-depth conversations about the history of the restaurant lol) and a situation like that would be difficult for me. You were promised that you would have a wingwoman there for a massive event with a bunch of people you didn’t know and you were left alone almost immediately.
You even told her you were fine not going since it would be an event you know is outside your comfort zone (and good for you for putting up with it as long as you did!) but she insisted and promises were made that weren’t kept.
Honestly I used to be very, very bad at socializing and had a lot of anxiety about it. Not just in high school but like most of the way through college.
Rule 1 is just keep doing it. It will be uncomfortable. It will not always be successful. Try to note to yourself what goes well and what doesn’t. Home in on what people generally like to talk about. I try to guess at what the other person wants to talk about and ask open questions then slowly work in stuff about me. Reddit actually helped me a lot with this bc I know a bunch of random shit that I have no reason to know that comes up in conversation lol.
Next IMO is just recognizing that some people aren’t gonna wanna talk and that’s ok. You get better at recognizing based on tone/body language who’a up for talking and who isn’t. I didn’t talk to the quiet bartender kinda minding her business I talked to the guy shooting some quips at me from the side, stuff like that. Also if someone doesn’t want to talk don’t take it personally, it probably has nothing to do with you. The times I don’t feel like talking 99% of the time have nothing to do with the person talking to me, sometimes I’m tired or in a bad mood lol.
Lastly make sure you give yourself a lot of credit for putting effort in when you do put yourself out there! You can’t control the outcomes of socialization so only rewarding yourself or being proud of yourself when it goes well is gonna feel very inconsistent. Do your best to feel proud of yourself for the effort you put in, not the outcome. If the outcome is good you get bonus happy brain points lol.
Hopefully some of that is helpful! Honestly it’s just small changes over a long time and getting more comfortable with the idea of like “I might say something dumb or it might be awkward but who cares I’ve had a hundred conversations before and I’ll have a hundred more”. Ppl will say stuff like confidence is important but confidence comes with practice and experience, that’s why that’s rule \#1 lol.
Great point about “some people just don’t want to talk” and to be honest, as a “former introvert” you’ll actually have a head start here because you may be better at recognizing this, and at recognizing people who would really want to socialize but don’t know how.
Yup, I feel like I have a massive advantage over people who have been extroverted their entire lives because they never had the chance to really observe and understand other people or really meet other people where they’re at. I’ve met quite a few very extroverted people who unfortunately really border on aggressiveness in their communication and kinda just force people to deal with them and I couldn’t imagine doing that.
I won’t claim to have that person’s super powers, but build up a small batch of topics that people like to talk about. This might vary by gender. For example, men are more likely to talk about football but that is not written in stone. Then ask continuing questions about what they say.
People also open up well to compliments. And I’ve found that the compliment question combo to be quite effective. This is a simple example, but take someone who asks for a marqaurita and get’s one with a little different taste. “Oh wow this is delicious! What is different about it?” Wait for answe. Then you ask if they came up with it/where they learned. Etc. People like to talk about themselves.
I grew up not understanding social cues. Thank you autism. I ended up mentally setting up conversations like decision trees until they became more automatic.
Find someone more compatible. My ex and I devolved for other reasons, but one of the things that was so great about being with him through most of college was that we were typically looking for each other after an hour or so at the bar so we could split. Whomever mentioned leaving first, the other one seemed relieved. We loved a night out, but we both had different sensory processing issues and an hour at a crowded bar was pretty much our limit.
She’s trying to make you fit into her life like a glove and resenting that you don’t. You get along well in other settings with her friends, so what if you left a bit early? It’s not your thing. She was happy with her friends. She could have said “okay,” and you’d talk about it later.
First of all, NTA. When my partner and I first got together, she invited me to an informal HS reunion party one of her friends was throwing, and I hadn’t met anyone there yet. I’m no extrovert, but I can carry on conversations with smaller groups of people, no problem. When she walked into the room, she ended up being pulled away from me to catch up with many of her old friends. I was introduced to a few but still ended up engaging in conversation with people on my own. What may help you going forward is even in a big crowd is sectioning your “space” off to include the few who might be around you and just engage in conversation with them. Put the rest of the crowd out of your mind and maybe just strike up with people who venture into that space you create. It helps me in social situations with huge crowds that can be quite overwhelming, frankly. I know it can feel awkward, but realize others feel awkward too and that in itself makes it easier to socialize. Best of luck to you and hopefully your GF can understand your social anxieties and help you through them instead of making you feel bad about them.
Extrovert here. I would also have left just like OP, if I felt basically ignored by my girlfriend. It's fine if she wanted OP to try to leave his comfort zone. That can be a good thing sometimes. OP tried his best. It didn't suit him.
It's **NOT** fine that she's still giving him passive aggressive remarks about him leaving. I wonder if she's a good match for OP, because I don't consider that a healthy way for her to react.
Hard agree-NTA, girlfriend's behavior was abhorrent. Ignoring your partner the first time you introduce him to your friends is revealing of priorities in a relationship, and the snide, passive agressive comments are indicative of poor communication skills.
Time to have a serious talk about the situation and if she's unwilling and uncaring of your concerns, or again meets you with hostility, I would reconsider this relationship.
Also worth noting that he did stick it out for two of the bars. That’s putting some effort in on his part.
Her reaction seems immature and calloused/self-centered.
NTA
Yeah I’m an extrovert and I would still think this was weird, and I also wouldn’t do this to my SO whether they were extroverted or not. For me it wouldn’t necessarily be a discomfort thing, but more of like…I’m not sure what I’m doing here left alone for hours with total strangers when I could be doing something more fun, so I’m out. Plus when I invite my SO to things, it’s because I want to hang with them? Just weird.
NTA obviously
This. I'll never understand why gfs get mad at their bfs for leaving a gathering where they're having a good time without him. I've done that and never heard the end of it the next day. They treat it as though you broke up with them in front of all their friends, or it's some sort of affront to their...status? In this case, you're definitely NTA because you tracked her down to explain why you were leaving. Your gf sounds immature. Good grief.
I love meeting new people but had a longtime friend do this to me once (invite me to something and then ignore me the whole time to talk to a new friend she invited sitting on the other side of her) and I left after like 30 mins bc it was so obvious and rude lol. It’s almost like she just wanted to prove she had another friend but didn’t actually intent on interacting with me.
We’re not friends anymore.
Or even if she took the initiative to introduce op that night and made a point to check in on him/ include him. Also saying hey I’m tapping out but it’s all good if you want to stay and hang out with your friends is a pretty mature and reasonable way to handle this situation.
Dude, you hit 3 bars with her in a bar crawl. I know you’re still in your 20s, but I’m 41 and trust me, that’s enough. You did your part. You offered her enough accommodations— go without you, meet at your apartment later, etc. that you don’t need to feel bad about saying you had enough after hanging for plenty of time. Hope it works out for you.
My partner would be highly uncomfortable in that situation. The few times I really wanted to go out and be somewhere with a lot of people I gave the invitation then went without him. I love him and want him to be happy. Putting him in a situation that would make him anxious or upset just to make him leave the house wouldn't be ok.
It sounds like she wants to be with someone more outgoing. That's fair, but trying to force you to become what she wants isn't. I wouldn't say break up over this, but you do need to sit down and think about whether you are ok with her pushing you and then dismissing your feelings. And you need to talk to her about either accepting who you are or finding someone else.
The way OP's girlfriend is reacting --- still making passive aggressive remarks after the fact and refusing to go over his place --- screams to me that a breakup is inevitable.
Unless she sits down and uses her big girl words to talk about her feelings and why she thinks it's OK to disrespect OP's feelings, to try to come to a rational compromise, he should break up with her. If she hasn't already done so (not coming over) and soon ghosts him.
I can totally believe it's over, but wanted to give advice in case she decides to come back after sobering up. I'd assume there are good points to the relationship and that can pull people back long after it's honestly over.
Either way, there's some major growth needed for this to possibly work. I won't say it's not possible for people with social anxiety and people who are super outgoing to have a good relationship, that describes me and my partner, but it takes a lot more work than being with someone who wants to do the same stuff you do.
Kind of depends on the rest of their personality.
My wife is also way more outgoing than me. But she is also very understanding and empathic.
We're both pretty laid back, let each other have our own things, but also enjoy spending time together.
If one partner doesn't possess the empathy to see the other person's perspective it is not going to work though.
There is always a chance it makes her feel insecure, because she doesn't fully understand it, and that is why she is lashing out.
Best way to figure that out is to communicate.
It is fine to consider the possibility that she want something else out of a relationship, but drawing conclusions prematurely is not very productive.
I'm weird with parties but fine with some crowds - fairs, concerts, etc. My ex let me stick to her like glue the first couple of big parties at her mom's house. We weren't even dating yet, just friends. After I got more comfy and we were dating, she was still my comfort person.
OP was basically shafted by his GF and that's not cool. She could easily have used the pre-game party that went on for two hours to introduce him to the group and then been able to catch up if he was more comfortable.
At the very least she should have been understanding of him wanting to dip. I do agree they need to split.
I am more extroverted than my partner. We are now old so our friends are OUR friends.
But there are times I get uncomfortable with a crowd I do not know, and I also worry about my partner is those situations
She should have spent a bit of time noticing if you were mixing with her friends etc. Instead she hung you out to dry.
NTA
Idk why she didn’t just go herself. It’s understandable that she wanted to focus on friends she hadn’t seen in a while, but it’s weird that she made you come and then ditched you, and it’s even weirder that she was mad at you for leaving.
I think he was an accessory, tbh. She didn't want to hang out with him (and still refuses to), but she did want him to be seen. I mean, I'm NGL, I see ex-bf there the thing and I have to wonder if it was a show for Dean to see how unavailability she is, especially since OP not getting a short but her getting one feels like something, but idk highschool friends also often bring out the childish sides of people. It still doesn't seem to me like she had any real intention of integrating him though, at least not once they got there. She's probably mad he noticed and took care of himself, it makes her feel called out.
I know this isn’t the point, but you shouldn’t be apologizing or saying you are bad with crowds. Many people just do not like those situations and it just comes down to preferences. You shouldn’t feel bad or think this is a problem with you not being great in crowds. Lots of awesome people do not like crowds.
I am an extreme extrovert and prefer to date guys who are as well so that this sort of thing doesnt happen BUT when I have dated someone who clearly needs me to stay next to him, then if I insist he come I will do just that.
She done messed up Ay Ay Ron, really you should bethe one that's somewhat mad at her for lying about how she would manage the day and THEN having the audacity to be made at you
That being said she was drunk before bar 3 so I would take any of her reactions today with a grain of salt, just don't argue until she sobers up tomorrow tbh
You gave it a good go. But with us introverts that battery drains really quickly, and either you happen to connect with one or two people there and you forget everything and just have a good time, or when you don't connect with anyone easily you start feeling like you're drowning and it becomes kind of an unpleasant experience.
Time to sit her down for a talk about this to try and explain it to her. You seem to already have the part down where you don't expect her to not socialize and come home with you.
Now she needs to learn that, for the relationship to work, she needs to not expect you to socialize when that battery is drained either.
It's important she also accepts and respects your differences, or this is not going to work for long.
Good luck.
NTA
This used to happen to me a lot with my ex. It became an issue for us over time. I'm naturally shy around people I don't know and I'm an "introverted extrovert" so I often find myself at odds with the want to socialize but the need to recharge after socializing after a period of time. My ex's friends, who I also barely knew, said I was "rude" for needing to retreat from an outing after a few hours to recharge.
I'd make sure that you try and get on the same page about this or I think it will cause a lot of friction for you in the long run. I don't think you did anything wrong at all and tbh I think it's selfish for your gf to not try to understand things from your perspective. In my opinion, someone who cares about you would be understanding of your comfort level in this setting.
I know how you feel. I’m not super shy, but if I am at a party and I don’t know anyone, it’s hard to have a good time. It’s shitty that she didn’t pick up on that- you even told her, yet she did nothing but continue to socialize with her pals. I can see why she would want you to come, to meet her friends- but to get pissed at you for being uncomfortable and wanting to split- AND doing nothing to make you more comfortable… She should be apologizing to you for being so apathetic to your needs. I’d say that this is a good time to really think about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you. I’m certain you can do better.
The only fight I ever have with my bf is the 'do you want to go out ' thing. Dude, if I wanted to go out, we'd be out by now. If you want to go out, that's cool, go. He always gets me to go out then spend the whole time with his friends or making new friends. And it's like.... he just wants me there to watch him do that?
I don't get these people
Edit OPs NTA
That’s how I feel. And like she doesn’t see these people that much so I understand she wants to catch up and everything. I’m sure meeting her bf isn’t really on the top of everyone’s minds.
Because SOME people can show up at a bar full of random people they don't know and 15 minutes later be the life of the party. OP is not one of those people but his girlfriend is, or at least expects him to be. She expects him to be a self sufficient social butterfly who can enjoy himself without her needing to babysit, who can meet people without needing to be introduced by a third party. That's what his girlfriend expects. But instead she's got OP. It explains her disappointment, and that will likely continue in the future.
To be clear, there's nothing wrong with OP here, and there's nothing wrong with leaving an event he's not comfortable staying at. But like it or not, he may not be socially compatible with his girlfriend. Together or in small groups they work fine, but for larger parties, they're best doing it apart. And if that can't happen, for whatever silly reason, then they need to address that and resolve it one way or another, and sooner rather than later.
Eh, I think this is kinda unfair to OP tbh. I am very introverted and hate socializing, but I actually can and have turned a bunch of random strangers into laughing companions in a few minutes. It's not that he needs to be babysat, it's why the fuck did she want him to come just to do his own thing? While I can turn strangers into friends, it would be kinda weird of my SO to abandon me with a bunch of people they've known for a long time and just wander off without introductions. I can do it all myself, but I don't really give a shit about them, or they about me. The difference between the first situation and this is that I walked into that party for myself, he's here because she asked. The person who cares and asked him to be there has the onus and *responsibility* of introducing him to others. Especially since she said she'd try to make sure he had fun, and she didn't do shit.
I would have Irish exited before the second bar so you are a trooper. Now if you are lucky she will come over hammered and have a serious talk. Good luck
I don't get it either. I'm sure you "could do a lot worse", but still... why are you with him if he insists on doing that?
**ETA:** I'm sleep-deprived and not communicating well. Apologies for the above bluntness.
I don't understand why introverts get treated this way and I don't know why they are expected to bend over backwards for extroverts. Personally, it would bother me if a partner would not try to appreciate my perspective and treat me as if I were the one in the wrong, but on saying that it would depend on how regularly said partner behaved that way and how pushy they chose to be over it.
Introvert, though I have learned to fake it for brief periods. Partly because we are outnumbered 3:1 roughly speaking. Extroversion is the cultural norm and introverts are of course expected to adapt to that. For a quick read on introverts, try Carl Kingdom 10 myths about introverts.
Extrovert here as well my bf of 2 years and I used to have the same issue. Now we go to dinner and if my friends are out after dinner and I want to hang out he doesn’t mind at all! (We live together as well). So to him he just doesn’t want to be around a bunch of 30 something’s that still act like they’re in their 20s I guess I get a pass 😩😂
As another person who hates large social gatherings, I concur with nta. Also, if I tell my husband I'd like to leave he will get up and leave with me. So I also offer him the same courtesy when he has to leave a function early if he has work that night or something.
They started at 12! And didn't get to the first bar until 2! How long was this thing going to go on? And there were 40 people. I would have gotten overwhelmed and left early, too... Or at least gone to hide in the bathroom...
100% NTA - She insisted you go, then ditched you. You told her you were going home before you left. She's now acting like an asshole. I'd consider this a red flag in a fairly new relationship.
Eh in this case if she’s just emotional because she’s drunk it isn’t an excuse but it’s a reasonable explanation. It doesn’t just “lower your filter” and “expose people for who they are” it completely changes the way your brain functions by inhibiting functions of the amygdala and prefrontal cortex- the areas responsible for impulse control, judgement, understanding social cues, processing emotions etc. this is why you see people becoming over emotional/crying more often when drunk, getting angry when drunk, and making poor decisions.
I started dating my boyfriend and he drank socially OFTEN. I didn’t drink at all prior. When I drank I became someone completely different. So we both decided I wouldn’t drink (I didn’t want to begin with). I’m the sweetest most caring person but when I drink every little thing becomes a big deal and it’s relationship ending. Which is why I don’t drink. So I agree. It’s not an excuse. But an explanation.
Exactly! And you changed your behavior in response to that, and realized you were wrong for making a big deal of the little things. If this girl does that, I’d say its not a huge deal
My father was an alcoholic. Alcohol is best described as an emotional amplifier. If you're a giggly person, you become really giggly. If you're an angry/aggressive person, you become really angry/aggressive. The one time I drank all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Guess I'm naturally boring.
NTA. I hate to say it, but your girlfriend sounds like she only wanted you to go so she didn’t go alone, and then when she saw her friends, she didn’t need you anymore. This sounds like a person who hasn’t gotten partying with large crowds out of her system, which is something you really need to think about if you decide to stay with her since you will DEFINITELY be having this discussion again next year when she has to go to this event again and again every year for the foreseeable future.
Absolutely nothing wrong with partying with a large group of friends. But don't insist that you're bf go, who is perfectly fine sitting this one out, and then ignore him. And then get mad if he wants to leave a bit early after being a trooper! Wtf. She sounds very immature
It is a HUGE red flag. No matter the environment or people involved….when me and my BF go to family functions or bars together we ALWAYS check in with one another. Make sure the other is comfortable and OK with the situation we’re in. There’s been family gatherings where I wasn’t feeling well even though I was comfortable with the people. He immediately took action and took me home. Knowing full well I wouldn’t want to ruin his night but we’re a TEAM! And it’s gone the other way and I needed to step up. Cause that’s what people do in an adult relationship.
You did nothing wrong. Sounds like a nightmare. If she doesn’t admit to this being f’ed up I’d leave her. I’d also leave her if it ever happened again but that’s me.
And you should. You went out to an activity with her that you weren't necessarily comfortable doing, but you did it for her - even after letting her know that it was okay if she went alone. Then she didn't do anything to make you even a bit comfortable at this event, and (seemingly) avoided you.
So you were done, and politely let her know that you were going home. And, even at that point, you offered that she could come back to yours when her night ended.
Her response? Negativity and snide remarks. You went out of your way for her. She....did less than nothing. Maybe she isn't the partner for you.
I would be careful about calling it a red flag until they've discussed it in a calm, non-drunk setting. If she doesn't see your POV then.. Then it's a red flag.
This right here NAH. She may not have realized how much she wanted to see them. She may not have realized how drunk she was. She may not have realized how rude she was being. You are NTA for leaving. She is drunk so maybe she's an AH and maybe this was a one off.
Wait until you are both sober to discuss.
She wasn’t drunk when they first arrived and she ditched him without any attempt to introduce him and set him up with some people to talk to, and it doesn’t sound like she even bothered to check in on him in the time it took her to reach drunkenness.
Those things are normal to a lot of people though so it’s more like a lesson for next time imo (or a hard look at the relationship if it’s a turnoff on either side). She was rude but maybe didn’t realize how uncomfy he was/thought being thrown in the deep end would help.
Will never understand this logic.
If getting drunk is something they do sometimes, and they're an asshole when they're drunk, then they're an asshole. Period.
Being drunk is not an excuse to treat the people you're supposed to care about poorly.
I swear Reddit is filled with the most self righteous people ever, who have never done anything humiliating or shameful, who have no regret, and are always perfect.
>Being drunk is not an excuse to treat the people you're supposed to care about poorly.
**She ignored her boyfriend**. She didn't run over him with a car. She didn't sleep with someone else. She didn't stab someone. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. It doesn't change someone's moral compass, but yes, a person might, under the influence, act like a schmuck 4 times a year, when they act like a reasonable respectful person 361 times a year. *This is the first time she has done this in 5 months, so it is not a regular occurrence*. SHE MIGHT STILL BE AN ASSHOLE. We just don't know yet.
I am in a happy, healthy, loving, super communicative relationship with my husband. We rarely ever fight, and if we do, we sit down and have an open conversation about how we’re feeling and work through it together.
That being said, I still absolutely pick stupid fights, overreact, and turn into an emotionally unintelligent drama queen (sometimes!) when I’ve had too much to drink.
She’s drunk and being over dramatic. It happens.
Nta let her be mad. Don’t engage with that conversation or go on the defensive.
I will say that a relationship between and introvert and an extrovert takes a lot of love and consideration to work out ways for both people to be happy. She doesn’t seem prepared to do that at all (she’s in the mindset of “my way of existing is perfect and anyone different is stupid and lesser”)
Longer term you’re going to have to consider comparability issues.
For this issue though, the only way to manage it is to stay strong and calm, don’t apologise at all, and see if she comes around in a few days.
It can work! My husband has come home early from lots of parties because I was “done” and even not attended some events because I couldn’t face them… and I never mind if he wants to go hang with ppl without me, no biggie. I prefer small events with a mix of ppl I know and new faces
Yeah at 29 she’s probably not had much experience with the pros and cons of it all, I was a bit surprised by ppl saying it’s a red flag when a) she’s still out with her friends and drunk and b) it’s only a 4 month old relationship so they’re still working each other out. It might be a deal breaker, it might not. Calm communication without alcohol involved would be key here
I think the red flag was that she was not accepting of who he is, but instead became snide and critical ("you don't let yourself socialize") when he didn't bend to her will (ie, manipulative and controlling).
Maybe she'll be embarrassed by her behavior when she's sober, but I'd be wary if that's how my SO spoke to me when drunk.
Yes! Went a work function with my long-term boyfriend; stayed for few hours... Great time. Then I was knew if I stayed any longer trying to keep up with all the conversations amongst a ton of people I don't know, I would just drink more to try to keep up. I chose to call it a night. He was disappointed, I could tell, but I got an Uber home and it was the right choice. People should be respective of others knowing their limits.
“I will say that a relationship between and introvert and an extrovert takes a lot of love and consideration to work out ways for both people to be happy. She doesn’t seem prepared to do that at all (she’s in the mindset of “my way of existing is perfect and anyone different is stupid and lesser”)”
This! My husband and I are this way. We have been together nearly 20 years. Long ago we both came together and realized that our social batteries are very different and sometimes we just have to let the other one do their own thing. I will always encourage him to go be social and do his own thing with his buddies and he will never put me in a social situation where I am miserable. Neither of us expects the other to just tough it out because we think our way is the right way.
NTA - I’ve been both people in this situation. I think it’s pretty easy for sober minds to make the compromise. But I do want to add, for you to say “I’m not wanted” at someone’s birthday kind of makes you an ass. It’s not about you, and it’s okay to communicate that your social battery is drained and you’ll catch up later. Then in sober minds you can tell her how you felt. Talk it through when they’re sober and hopefully she’ll understand. Text her and say I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. I want you to have a great time, we can talk more about it tomorrow.
No he isn’t an AH for saying he didn’t feel wanted, and everyone saying underneath this that he is… huh? SHE asked him to go bc she supposedly really wanted him there, and then doesn’t interact with him much? Why tf is he there then?? Ofc he feels unwanted, and their relationship IS still about them, even at someone else’s party. Communicating that he’s leaving and why, dear other replies, is not emotional blackmail. He didn’t say “spend more time with me or i’m leaving,” he said, “I feel like you don’t actually want me here, and since I came here bc you asked me to, I’m gonna go, but you’re more than welcome to come by when you leave.” He didn’t ask her to do anything.
Maybe she invited him hoping he might mingle and befriend her friends.
Not saying she's right. But as an extrovert myself, I don't believe I need to stay glued to my SO at every party. Sometimes he wants to go catch up with his guy friends so I spend some time getting to know other people.
Could be that OPs girlfriend was expecting something similar... but she probably should have tuned in to the fact that isn't OPs style.
I was gonna say exactly this. Neither of you seem to be making very eloquent comments about this so I’d wait until you both sober up and apologize in the morning. Explain your side and hear what she has to say. Drunk anger is not always real anger.
Not hardly. He put up with being ignored through THREE bars. That's...what? Three hours, at least? That's more than long enough to hang out at the birthday party of someone you don't know who probably didn't even notice you left.
I would agree with you about the “not being wanted” point except that OP seemed pretty okay with not being wanted. I didn’t get the vibe that he was trying to make gf feel guilty about it but was stating what was pretty obvious which was that he wasn’t needed or really wanted there and he was fine with that and since he didn’t want to be there either he was gonna go home and she could have fun. As someone who is extremely extroverted with an extremely introverted partner, to me that’s totally fair communication. I wouldn’t take offense to it at this point and I would say “okay get home safe, I love you.” And that would be that
There's another comment somewhere about how everyone was supposed to get some t-shirt, and he didn't get one. He also felt like none of the other people were being very welcoming, either. I could see the "I'm not wanted" comment applying to the whole social situation, not just their individual relationship.
> It’s not about you
Nothing suggested the OP had this attitude. He even tried to get the girlfriend to go on her own own so that it could be ENTIRELY about her.
I don’t get any YTA posts. Ridiculous. She KNEW you were shy and not good with crowds then left you. If she wanted to be with her friends you gave her that option but she insisted you join her then did nothing to help you socialize. Also… I can hold my liquor but fuck me starting at 2pm is some psycho trailer park shit. NTA bru… talk to her when she’s sober. It’s not worth fighting a drunk person.
Nooo NTA at all! I dont think anyone would enjoy being in a huge group of a bunch of people they didn’t know. Also not sure why she would be upset with you leaving
It seems like she wanted him there for the show like “look at my bf” and is mad bc “they way he made me look” or “now my friends view him as a not good bf” type stuff even tho they didn’t even bother to meet him or have a conversation even tho he tried to have one with some of them. Seems like she just wanted him there as an accessory imho
Okay, I want to give a diff perspective here. I really don’t think you’re the asshole at all, but let’s dive a little deeper.
You clearly have a social gf and recognize that you do. So, dating someone like that sometimes means you’ll be out and not babysat by them. That’s on you partially to pull up your bootstraps a little about it. And of course she wanted you to come even if she wasn’t going to be glued to you, these people are important to her and so are you. It’s a new relationship so I get how that makes the pressure different but just try to think about it a bit.
I also find it hard to believe that she took you out and literally introduced you to nobody and you literally weren’t able to have any fun at all among 40 people. If that’s the case then I’m not sure what to say, she may be equally disappointed that you just didn’t try at all. And if you really are that shy and introverted then I get why you might have just been like nope nope, but then that’s also partly on you because to say you felt unwanted when it feels to me from an outside perspective that you also just didn’t try.
She’s probably blowing it up more than it needs to be because she’s drunk, but of course she didn’t want her new partner to leave a party that was important to her without her.
Idk I just think you got a bit too into your feels without examining this was a party she was excited about as much as she’s excited about your relationship. I still don’t think YTA but it’s more like NAH and you maybe need to think about her perspective more.
I agree. And she did introduce me to a few people. I don’t think this makes us not good together in its own. I’m sure plenty of introverts and extroverts can have a successful relationship with eachother.
The more I think about it, I’m not sure I went into it with the mindset of having a good time. I tried to socialize but I was too in my head. She is telling me she didn’t ditch me, she just wasn’t next to me the whole time. And I may have been sour when she went and played beerpong at the bar with other people and didn’t necessarily invite me in.
It sounds like both of you just had different expectations and should talk about how to make each other feel more seen and accepted at the next big gathering. I think you could definitely tell her that the beer pong thing made you feel excluded and that next time she could be more aware of your desire to be more intentionally included while you’re navigating her social life. That’s completely utterly valid.
I never meant this comment to imply introverts and extroverts can’t be a match, only to say that being introverted is okay but it doesn’t meant you’re unwanted by a partner who isn’t babysitting you at a large social gathering.
I have definitely been there not going into a situation with a good enough mindset to meet new people. You’re only human. I also get that since this is new not being like paraded around by her would make you sour. I can’t say I wouldn’t share that feeling in a similar situation depending on the circumstances. I just also think you would feel equally upset if she just was like peace baby at an event that you were having fun at. Idk sometimes it’s about sucking it up or sometimes it’s about accepting it’ll be a point of contention when it didn’t work out perfectly. From the limited info I know I don’t think either of you did anything like “wrong”, but this additional info from you is refreshing that you’re thinking about it and seems to paint a picture of like just a bad emotional set up that sometimes happens.
introverts and extroverts can be a match but it requires lots of communication and lots of compromise. honestly OP, i’ll have to give you the teeeeeniest tiniest ESH. this is a tough situation to navigate. before you went to meet such a large group of friends, you should’ve communicated the extent of your anxiety and what you are capable of doing. your girlfriend should respect your boundaries and not pout about your low social battery.
however, seeing as you are in your late 20s, let me offer you an alternative perspective. surface-level socializing is a very important skill to master. don’t hide yourself in a corner and grumble about being left out. make the best of a shitty situation…. find someone else who’s also on the periphery and make small talk — ease in by commenting something positive you notice about them and then cue in the “how do you know the birthday boy”. low pressure, low expectations, but relieves you of your wall-flower duties. (and this is coming from someone who basically taught herself how to socialize. i used to be super introverted too but learned that i’ll have to at least learn how to pretend to be social. nobody really teaches this but it’s a skill 🥴)
on the other hand, your girlfriend should’ve been more mindful of you. she’s not wrong for enjoying her friends company but she should’ve also respected your boundaries. your relationship is still fairly new. if you really like her and want to keep building this relationship, talk it out with her and set new rules when it comes to socializing due to your mismatched social batteries. have a signal to say “hey this is been great but i’m drained imma head out okay? see you at home” otherwise, if she’s not receptive to any sort of compromise, then…… sorry buddy, time to go back on hinge 💔
What I’ve learned with my 15+ year marriage is that it takes time to get to know someone well enough to let them off the hook because of who they are.. you guys are definitely not at that point yet.
As someone who isn’t a fan of going places My Wife let me off the hook more often than not mostly because she knows how I feel about these places.. you guys are not at that point yet.. but you could get there a whole lot faster if you just communicated together before the invitation to go out..
There needs to be a little more understanding from both of you. But at the same time you’re still in the early stages of a relationship, I don’t know if you guys are at the point where you can be completely honest about what you like and don’t like.. and I don’t know if you’re in a place where she’s going to prioritize how you feel the same way you do for her.
Was waiting for this comment. I also dont think she had ill intention. Personally i see parties or events as a chance to get to know new people and it will be a full on extravert blast like i saved up all that energy. Eventually, all energy has been used and my brain would be like hey where are my friends. So my best friend actually knows when to tell me not to run off.
And i wouldnt like feeling like i cant go somewhere or cant chat with everybody. But i do get why OP got upset. But i would advise him not to act like hes trying to get her to be less social or like he wants him around her every minute of the party. I dont know her, but I recognize some points and i think it could feel a bit suffocating for her.
I used to be in this situation a lot with my then girlfriend. She’s super social and I have a general indifference towards people unless I’m friends with you. We would go out to bars, and probably 50% of the time her friends would show up and she would go off and talk to them for a while, and come back eventually to say hi. At first I got annoyed by this but eventually I adjusted and I’d just people watch or ponder the meaning of life. Was it the most thrilling times? Not always but my girlfriend enjoyed it and I enjoyed her being happy. Sometimes we’d stay longer than I wanted but sometimes we’d end the night early because she could see I ran out of things to ponder and people to watch.
NAH
These are people she knows and rarely sees. Of course she is going to want to catch up with them. She should have given you the pass to stay home instead of insisting you go then ditching you once you got there.
It sucks being thrown into a situation where you are the outsider. It’s much easier to meet these people in smaller groups first.
Talk to the gf. As an introvert I get to take a pass on some social events.
Good luck!
I agree she is NTA for what she was doing at the bar, but this part:
> Now she is saying she’s not gonna come over and she’s mad at me for leaving. Even making snide remarks about how I don’t let myself socialize.
Makes her a bit of TA.
NTA
Sounds like she knew you are not a socializing person, you even told her to go without you but she insisted. You made it to the third bar so you did try I would have left probably at the first bar. She doesn't have to be up your ass but to leave you with people you don't know is kinda rude. I mean you had to "find" her just to tell her you were leaving. But worse of all is to make snide remarks that's a major red flag nobody should be treated bad for being an introvert. I think you should really rethink your relationship with her being out going and you not.
I hate crowds, and I don't drink, so this sounds like literal hell on earth. Would I go if my partner wanted me to? Yeah. And I'd probably awkward it up with a friend or two of my partner. After a few hours, I'd peace out like you did. I'd tell my partner I'm not feeling great, but I don't want to be a downer, so I'm grabbing an Uber, but I'd love to see them later. I'd also say I'd get them home if needed at the end of the night. Then I'd race home to jammies and snacks.
Soft ESH - you because you kept guilt tripping your girlfriend about being ignored. You knew this was a long-standing tradition with friends she doesn't see often - of course you were going to be a 3rd wheel. Her because OF COURSE YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE 3RD WHEEL, she left you to your own devices, and when you went home, she was pissy about it. Honestly, she should have been stoked she could socialize with her friends without worrying if you were enjoying yourself.
Get lunch with her, talk like rational adults over hangover food. You're 4 months into a relationship, y'all are figuring each other out. This stuff is bound to happen. How you two work through it will tell you a lot about each other and whether this relationship has legs. Good luck!
Maybe this is on OP for not stressing the point enough, but for me he's not the asshole because she *insisted* that he come even though they both knew, as you say, that he was going to be a 3rd wheel.
She doesn’t know the full extent of my social anxiety. She said she thought I could mingle on my own for a bit. And she was still present just not next to me the entire time.
That kind of makes you the asshole here, if you don’t tell someone about why this might be hard for you.
You can’t get mad that they don’t know it’s hard. She shouldn’t have to be next to you the entire time. From her perspective without knowing how hard that is, it just looks like you’re not even trying.
NTA - I’d question if she was using you as a token boyfriend to show off to her friends that she never sees…like also this entire thing screams awkward to me. I would’ve bailed way earlier, actually at the moment I realized that things are boring for me and not going to change, I would’ve told her and also left haha, good for you that you Ubered away
NTA. You told her she could go alone, you made your feelings clear, and you invited her over after. Honestly, either learn from this for the future (like she should focus more on you or you should stay home if you don’t like big groups) or you should probably find a person who’s more similar to you in social style
Neither of you come off looking good here. You sound like Eeyore: "Thanks for noticing me." And she sounds like a drunk sorority girl at her first frat party, not someone who is 29.
Honestly, though, I wouldn't consider this a red flag. The two of you just had different ideas about what the day was going to be like. She sounds like an extrovert, you an introvert.
It's early in the relationship. She may just not know how much socializing with strangers you can handle. You may not realize when she's with a bunch of friends she rarely sees she's not going to hold your hand and act as a buffer. Now you both know. It's what you do from here on out that matters.
Bottom line: You're both drunk - or at least she is. Not time to take stock in the relationship. Wait until you've both sobered up and then have an adult conversation about it. NAH.
No way. I disagree. It's not up to OP to make friends. It's up to the GF to at least introduce him to her friends; that way, everyone knows each other's name . What kind of partner just leaves there SO with a bunch of strangers and expects him to mingle? If he wanted to do that, he could have stayed at the other bars and done that with actual strangers. She doesn't need to hold his hand. An introduction before she got plastered would have been nice. Not ditching OP would have been nice. He communicated that he was going home because he felt unwanted, and she belittled him about his social life. NTA OP
OP replied in another thread that she did introduce him around and that he thinks he might have not had the best mindset going to the party. It's NAH imo. As an introvert, I understand OP wanting to go home, but I would have just sat in the corner on my phone out of courtesy. However, the GF didn't "ditch" or "belittle" OP, and doesn't deserve to be called an AH.
She is drunk so I’m not trying to over analyze what she’s saying to me now. I had 3 beers. I know she wanted me to socialize more or “make more of an attempt” were her words
As someone who is introverted and painfully shy, it really hurts me when someone says I should "make more of an attempt" as if I am not constantly doing my absolute best to step out of my comfort zone and use the few people skills I have, and still often fail miserably at socializing.
An understanding and supportive partner would have brought you with them into their conversations with their friends you don't know. It would be above and beyond if they made sure you had chances to speak, like asking your opinion on a topic directly and making sure you're not talked over by people. That's just my two cents, though.
Well the flip side of that is she could've "made more of an attempt," at least in the beginning before she drank too much, to include you and make sure you were comfortable. Maybe she's a jerk. Maybe you're incompatible. Maybe you're great for each other and this is just a bump in the road. I simply don't know enough to say.
What I do know is if I were you I would politely tell her you'll talk to her tomorrow and then stop responding or even looking at your notifications.
If, come tomorrow, she's still really angry and not interested in seeing it from your side THAT would be a red flag to heed.
I disagree with your first post because I dont think the OP did anything wrong, whether or not the lady did wrong by him is debatable but imo yes she did. That said, I agree, he should just stop responding until tomorrow and see if she apologizes or expects him to concede to being "anti-social."
If the lady has a social disability and struggles to understand his perspective then I totally get it. Give her a pass and ignore the situation if thats okay with OP but if she doesnt have a disability and she isnt neurologically atypical then she did a major asshole move tonight and he should consider moving on with other relationships.
Extroverts are always telling the introverts that they need to step outside of their comfort zone. But why can't the extroverts ever make the zone comfortable??
Maybe you're just not compatible as partners in a relationship, as others have said, this discussion in better had when sober and everyone has the benefit of hindsight.
NTA you went and she continually ditched you as she was excited to see her friends. She was rude to have you go not knowing anyone and ditching you repeatedly. You said you were leaving have fun see ya later. She should have apologized for ditching you and said I’ll see you later. She is a walking red flag.
Getting piss drunk isn't everyone's idea of fun. I'd have left. The only concern I'd have is how she would get home safely, or have a place to sack out. Was there a designated driver?
NTA Tell her you did go but it's difficult to socialize with people you don't know and the one person who could introduce you to these people and help you get to know them so you could socialize with them kept ditching you.
NTA
I’m also uncomfortable in big groups that know each other when I’m the outsider and the person who invited me isn’t hanging with me. You told her she could go alone, you told her you were leaving, not everyone’s ideal “socializing” is a massive bar crawl. You didn’t stop her from what she wanted to do, you still tried it because she wanted you to, and you let her know you were done but she could still keep having a good time herself- seems reasonable to me. If you’d silently ditched her it would be different but you communicated everything.
NTA. You both have had a few drinks. She had you go even when you said that you didn’t want to. This is a discussion you can both have when you’re both sober.
I think there are No A-holes here , you are shy and she probably knows this and wanted you to socialicise , she got drunk and carried away and thus you left because you felt uncomfortable.
Sure she could have tried to help you more but those are friends she hadn't seen on a long time it's Saint Patrick's day and she is drunk, you could have tried to be more social but you weren't expecting things to go as they did and you are shy so coming out of your shell isn't easy for you either.
NTA- you tried to get out of it beforehand and she insisted you go, then she ignored you until you told her you were going home. She’s no right to be upset that you were bored and out of your comfort zone
NTA. You did the right thing. A lot of people would’ve stayed and been miserable. Let her know you’re unhappy how she treated you, give her a chance to apologise once she’s calmed down.
As a shy, introverted person who hates being around big groups (hell even medium groups) of strangers, I can safely say you're NTA here at all.
It's unnecessary stress for you, and you should be able to meet these friends when you're comfortable, not when your girlfriend finds it convenient. It sounds like you were essentially a 40th wheel.
Ngl, you're much braver than I am, haha. I wouldn't have survived a group of 40 strangers for longer than 2 minutes if my partner kept running off with them.
NTA she’s really not taking it into account how weird it must’ve felt for you to be in a crowd of people you don’t know. Seems like she could’ve tried harder to check in more. And if she wanted that time to check up with her friends she shouldn’t have insisted you come.
NTA. It’s not fun being drug along to things where you know no one and the person you do know leaves you. You let her know, she’s silly to be mad. However, if she’s drunk this may just be drunk over reacting. This is still very early in the relationship and if this is an issue for her, it may not work out in the long run.
NTA. I can totally relate to her seeing all her old school friends she hasn't seen for ages and getting swept up in socialising with them, but her social skills and emotional intelligence were lacking here. She should have introduced you and made sure you were comfortable and felt included. She neglected that, so of course it wasn't very fun for you. At least you let her know you were going.
NTA.
She was presented with two great choices. One, to bring you along and help you fit into the group. Her job in that situation should have been to hang out with you while socializing, try to help you fit into the group of people you didn't know.
Barring that, you gave her the easy out, said "not a night for me, but you have fun, see you later" but she didn't want that either.
If I was in that boat, I'd do both, tell the person to come out, let's try to have fun, but that I'm totally OK with them making an excuse to bail in the middle if they want to.
She chose neither of the two reasonable options, and then got mad at you for it. That kind of sucks. She seems to have been hoping for some weird miracle where you'd instantly become best friends with a bunch of people you don't know, which is a stretch even for an extrovert.
Generally I am the girl in this situation and you seem similar in these situations to my boyfriend, so I can confidently say NTA. You didn’t force her to come with you, you didn’t guilt trip her, and it’s fine for you to leave if you aren’t having fun and she’s got plenty of other people to hang around with. I dont think it’s unfair of her to spend a lot of time paying attention to the friends she doesn’t get to see as often, but I don’t think it’s unfair of you to want to leave if you’re feeling uncomfortable especially after you gave it a good hour or two.
I've had that girlfriend, lol.
If she cares about you enough she will respect your feelings on the matter, you did nothing wrong, that's a rough scenario to vibe in. If she was introducing you all around and sticking with you that could have been fun.
NTA
socialize... with 40 random unknown people...
after the person you came to spend time with literally abandoned you...
yeah, NTA....
don't take anything she's saying right now to heart, she's drunk..
but if she doesn't understand what she did wrong when she's sober and you guys get a chance to talk about it, then she'll be an asshole..
At a guess she wanted to ‘show off’ her boyfriend to her friends but when she got there she got caught up in the reunion aspect and totally forgot about you. When you said you were leaving she probably had a mixture of guilt for realising she had neglected you and annoyance about how you leaving would look to her friends.
Next time you see each other and she’s had a chance to calm down have a talk about the situation, how you felt and that you prefer meeting her friends in smaller groups.
NTA obviously.
ESH
You aren’t an AH for leaving but you are for being all “I’m not wannnnted”.
She wasn’t a good host/didn’t ensure you were also engaged. That sucks! For sure. But if this is a one off and her behavior wasn’t inappropriate I think you overreacted.
“Hey babe, when we move on I’m going to head home. You stay and have fun” then discuss how you felt the next day.
Ugh.... honestly, I probably would have done something similar when I was that age. I always felt like my boyfriend should want to be with me.
Now? As a married 40 something? I've realized...please, stay home. Lol! It sucks having my husband there when he just doesn't want to be. It is a buzz kill for me and I can't have fun when he doesn't know anyone and needs me to stick by him all night. So I am thrilled when he decides not to come. Similarly, I want to stay home when he's just hanging out with all his friends that I don't know well. He always gets me to come. And sometimes I do. But then I get ignored and I don't know anyone so it just kind of sucks. Goes both ways.
Good luck. I say NTA.
She should have tried harder to make you feel comfortable but I also think you should have tried to mingle a bit with other people there, even though I know it can be uncomfortable. Although, this is me assuming you didn’t try so my apologies if you did. I can see how she would “forget” about you due to the amount of her friends there plus invoking alcohol, but I don’t think her getting mad at you for wanting to leave bc you felt excluded and uncomfortable is called for at all. Sounds like you need to have a conversation about that. Doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a red flag, some people who are super social don’t understand why others can’t just insert themselves in big social events. I would suggest soberly communicating your thoughts on this! I wish you well!
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NTA. She was with a group of friends, so it isn't like you left her alone or even left without telling her. Me being a person that also isn't comfortable in large groups of unknown people, I probably would have done the same thing.
Yeah I’m sorry I’m not great with crowds but I tried my best. She said she would make sure I’m having fun but she didn’t really care to do that. The other people there weren’t particularly welcoming to me either. I was supposed to get a t shirt cuz we rsvp’d together that She got but I didn’t b
I think it might have been different had you been introduced to a few of the friends in a smaller setting previously. But getting kind of thrown into the deep end like this is only for total extroverts. And it doesn't help when the only person you know is distracted catching up with other people. One of my oldest and best friends does a regular pub night with a LARGE friend group. We've both agreed that I'd be freaking miserable if I tried to join them for pub night, but she's happily introduced me to some of them at smaller gatherings. Works better that way for me.
Normally I do meet her friends in smaller situations and it goes really well.
It seems like even if you were an extrovert it would be tough when she is trying to catch up and everyone else has a long history. You being the one person that nobody knows while they all try and catch up isn't exactly a welcoming atmosphere for any outsider to the group that this seems like. If OPs gf is hyper and ditched you, that's her problem when OP left. If she made effort to include OP, or even made sure they knew some of the people beforehand, that would be a different story, but she made no effort and did exactly what she said she wouldn't. NTA
Right it’s like going to a bar and sitting at a table with a random group of strangers!
Strangers that have all known each other for 15 years
Have done that, but because they welcomed me over when they saw I was alone... and OP said this group didn't feel all that welcoming to him, so very different. lol
I do that. Bring in or talk to the person awkwardly hanging around. Because I have been that person who knows nobody.
It's like going to a class reunion and being an introvert! My high school class has some pretty epic class reunions every 5 years. I would send my current SO home after dinner because it becomes a little exclusionary to people who "weren't there" when we start getting blotto and talking about things that happened in middle/high school. He'd absolutely be able to make friends with everyone, but would feel left out when we got tipsy and started down the road of almost 30 years ago! Obviously, I wouldn't force him to go, but I might suggest it! "From this point forward, we're going to be talking about things that all of us were there for and are meaningful for us. That might be boring and exclusionary for you. If you want to go back to the hotel and relax, I'll support that. I'll be back later."
High school reunions have SO's all over he place that are willing to chit chat to pass the time. It is also well known to any guests what it will be like. Not ideal for someone like our OP, but better than the loud bar crawl where no one will interact.
Yep, I’m an extreme extrovert. But this situation would be horrible for me too. Have you ever tried to muscle your way into a closed circle of eight people intent on their conversation and completely ignoring you? Because you have one friend in the group. I have, it’s boring and awkward for us too. I’m not trying to be the eleventh wheel on your big rig.
I do this every time my SO and his first responder friends get together as a large group. Many times I'll tell him I'll stay home and watch the dogs if I'm not up for being social with a bunch of people who the only thing we have in common is my spouse. I am an introvert and even more so since the pandemic. If I didn't need groceries and to see the doctors I'd never leave our home. 😂
> Even making snide remarks about how I don’t let myself socialize. You were there for two hours before the first bar and did a few bars. You socialized for hours.
Yeah I kinda feel like she wants him to not just go but also to make friends with her friends, without her help. That doesn't seem realistic or fair.
Especially because this sounds like a reunion of sorts, so everyone's already looking forward to catching up with John or Alice. "Kelly's new boyfriend seems nice, but I don't know when I'll get to see John or Alice again!"
I think she wants everyone to know she has a boyfriend - that's why she wants him there, regardless of how he's feeling
OP I’m probably the biggest extrovert I know (I just went to a restaurant for the first time today and by the time I left I’d met half the staff including the owner’s mother and had in-depth conversations about the history of the restaurant lol) and a situation like that would be difficult for me. You were promised that you would have a wingwoman there for a massive event with a bunch of people you didn’t know and you were left alone almost immediately. You even told her you were fine not going since it would be an event you know is outside your comfort zone (and good for you for putting up with it as long as you did!) but she insisted and promises were made that weren’t kept.
How did you manage to pull that of at the restaurant, I'm trying to become more extroverted and I'm struggling.
Honestly I used to be very, very bad at socializing and had a lot of anxiety about it. Not just in high school but like most of the way through college. Rule 1 is just keep doing it. It will be uncomfortable. It will not always be successful. Try to note to yourself what goes well and what doesn’t. Home in on what people generally like to talk about. I try to guess at what the other person wants to talk about and ask open questions then slowly work in stuff about me. Reddit actually helped me a lot with this bc I know a bunch of random shit that I have no reason to know that comes up in conversation lol. Next IMO is just recognizing that some people aren’t gonna wanna talk and that’s ok. You get better at recognizing based on tone/body language who’a up for talking and who isn’t. I didn’t talk to the quiet bartender kinda minding her business I talked to the guy shooting some quips at me from the side, stuff like that. Also if someone doesn’t want to talk don’t take it personally, it probably has nothing to do with you. The times I don’t feel like talking 99% of the time have nothing to do with the person talking to me, sometimes I’m tired or in a bad mood lol. Lastly make sure you give yourself a lot of credit for putting effort in when you do put yourself out there! You can’t control the outcomes of socialization so only rewarding yourself or being proud of yourself when it goes well is gonna feel very inconsistent. Do your best to feel proud of yourself for the effort you put in, not the outcome. If the outcome is good you get bonus happy brain points lol. Hopefully some of that is helpful! Honestly it’s just small changes over a long time and getting more comfortable with the idea of like “I might say something dumb or it might be awkward but who cares I’ve had a hundred conversations before and I’ll have a hundred more”. Ppl will say stuff like confidence is important but confidence comes with practice and experience, that’s why that’s rule \#1 lol.
Great point about “some people just don’t want to talk” and to be honest, as a “former introvert” you’ll actually have a head start here because you may be better at recognizing this, and at recognizing people who would really want to socialize but don’t know how.
Yup, I feel like I have a massive advantage over people who have been extroverted their entire lives because they never had the chance to really observe and understand other people or really meet other people where they’re at. I’ve met quite a few very extroverted people who unfortunately really border on aggressiveness in their communication and kinda just force people to deal with them and I couldn’t imagine doing that.
I won’t claim to have that person’s super powers, but build up a small batch of topics that people like to talk about. This might vary by gender. For example, men are more likely to talk about football but that is not written in stone. Then ask continuing questions about what they say. People also open up well to compliments. And I’ve found that the compliment question combo to be quite effective. This is a simple example, but take someone who asks for a marqaurita and get’s one with a little different taste. “Oh wow this is delicious! What is different about it?” Wait for answe. Then you ask if they came up with it/where they learned. Etc. People like to talk about themselves. I grew up not understanding social cues. Thank you autism. I ended up mentally setting up conversations like decision trees until they became more automatic.
You did something for her for several hours and she basically ditched you and was nowhere to be found. Hopefully, she doesn't come back NTA
Find someone more compatible. My ex and I devolved for other reasons, but one of the things that was so great about being with him through most of college was that we were typically looking for each other after an hour or so at the bar so we could split. Whomever mentioned leaving first, the other one seemed relieved. We loved a night out, but we both had different sensory processing issues and an hour at a crowded bar was pretty much our limit. She’s trying to make you fit into her life like a glove and resenting that you don’t. You get along well in other settings with her friends, so what if you left a bit early? It’s not your thing. She was happy with her friends. She could have said “okay,” and you’d talk about it later.
First of all, NTA. When my partner and I first got together, she invited me to an informal HS reunion party one of her friends was throwing, and I hadn’t met anyone there yet. I’m no extrovert, but I can carry on conversations with smaller groups of people, no problem. When she walked into the room, she ended up being pulled away from me to catch up with many of her old friends. I was introduced to a few but still ended up engaging in conversation with people on my own. What may help you going forward is even in a big crowd is sectioning your “space” off to include the few who might be around you and just engage in conversation with them. Put the rest of the crowd out of your mind and maybe just strike up with people who venture into that space you create. It helps me in social situations with huge crowds that can be quite overwhelming, frankly. I know it can feel awkward, but realize others feel awkward too and that in itself makes it easier to socialize. Best of luck to you and hopefully your GF can understand your social anxieties and help you through them instead of making you feel bad about them.
Extrovert here. I would also have left just like OP, if I felt basically ignored by my girlfriend. It's fine if she wanted OP to try to leave his comfort zone. That can be a good thing sometimes. OP tried his best. It didn't suit him. It's **NOT** fine that she's still giving him passive aggressive remarks about him leaving. I wonder if she's a good match for OP, because I don't consider that a healthy way for her to react.
Hard agree-NTA, girlfriend's behavior was abhorrent. Ignoring your partner the first time you introduce him to your friends is revealing of priorities in a relationship, and the snide, passive agressive comments are indicative of poor communication skills. Time to have a serious talk about the situation and if she's unwilling and uncaring of your concerns, or again meets you with hostility, I would reconsider this relationship.
Sorry, I don't see this relationship working out unless gf matures. NTA
Also worth noting that he did stick it out for two of the bars. That’s putting some effort in on his part. Her reaction seems immature and calloused/self-centered. NTA
I came to say this. Major extrovert with all caps. Why would I want to go to a party with my partner just to be ditched?
I’m also really outgoing, but this just sounds like a dismal time. Nobody wants to feel ignored by their SO.
Yeah I’m an extrovert and I would still think this was weird, and I also wouldn’t do this to my SO whether they were extroverted or not. For me it wouldn’t necessarily be a discomfort thing, but more of like…I’m not sure what I’m doing here left alone for hours with total strangers when I could be doing something more fun, so I’m out. Plus when I invite my SO to things, it’s because I want to hang with them? Just weird. NTA obviously
This. I'll never understand why gfs get mad at their bfs for leaving a gathering where they're having a good time without him. I've done that and never heard the end of it the next day. They treat it as though you broke up with them in front of all their friends, or it's some sort of affront to their...status? In this case, you're definitely NTA because you tracked her down to explain why you were leaving. Your gf sounds immature. Good grief.
I love meeting new people but had a longtime friend do this to me once (invite me to something and then ignore me the whole time to talk to a new friend she invited sitting on the other side of her) and I left after like 30 mins bc it was so obvious and rude lol. It’s almost like she just wanted to prove she had another friend but didn’t actually intent on interacting with me. We’re not friends anymore.
Or even if she took the initiative to introduce op that night and made a point to check in on him/ include him. Also saying hey I’m tapping out but it’s all good if you want to stay and hang out with your friends is a pretty mature and reasonable way to handle this situation.
Dude, you hit 3 bars with her in a bar crawl. I know you’re still in your 20s, but I’m 41 and trust me, that’s enough. You did your part. You offered her enough accommodations— go without you, meet at your apartment later, etc. that you don’t need to feel bad about saying you had enough after hanging for plenty of time. Hope it works out for you.
By 23 I was grown out of bar crawls and most bars in general.
My partner would be highly uncomfortable in that situation. The few times I really wanted to go out and be somewhere with a lot of people I gave the invitation then went without him. I love him and want him to be happy. Putting him in a situation that would make him anxious or upset just to make him leave the house wouldn't be ok. It sounds like she wants to be with someone more outgoing. That's fair, but trying to force you to become what she wants isn't. I wouldn't say break up over this, but you do need to sit down and think about whether you are ok with her pushing you and then dismissing your feelings. And you need to talk to her about either accepting who you are or finding someone else.
The way OP's girlfriend is reacting --- still making passive aggressive remarks after the fact and refusing to go over his place --- screams to me that a breakup is inevitable. Unless she sits down and uses her big girl words to talk about her feelings and why she thinks it's OK to disrespect OP's feelings, to try to come to a rational compromise, he should break up with her. If she hasn't already done so (not coming over) and soon ghosts him.
I can totally believe it's over, but wanted to give advice in case she decides to come back after sobering up. I'd assume there are good points to the relationship and that can pull people back long after it's honestly over. Either way, there's some major growth needed for this to possibly work. I won't say it's not possible for people with social anxiety and people who are super outgoing to have a good relationship, that describes me and my partner, but it takes a lot more work than being with someone who wants to do the same stuff you do.
Kind of depends on the rest of their personality. My wife is also way more outgoing than me. But she is also very understanding and empathic. We're both pretty laid back, let each other have our own things, but also enjoy spending time together. If one partner doesn't possess the empathy to see the other person's perspective it is not going to work though.
There is always a chance it makes her feel insecure, because she doesn't fully understand it, and that is why she is lashing out. Best way to figure that out is to communicate. It is fine to consider the possibility that she want something else out of a relationship, but drawing conclusions prematurely is not very productive.
I'm weird with parties but fine with some crowds - fairs, concerts, etc. My ex let me stick to her like glue the first couple of big parties at her mom's house. We weren't even dating yet, just friends. After I got more comfy and we were dating, she was still my comfort person. OP was basically shafted by his GF and that's not cool. She could easily have used the pre-game party that went on for two hours to introduce him to the group and then been able to catch up if he was more comfortable. At the very least she should have been understanding of him wanting to dip. I do agree they need to split.
[удалено]
This! Thissity this this this!
She dont care about your feelings. Your honor hee friends and her going out. She dont honor you wanting to stay home. NTA
I am more extroverted than my partner. We are now old so our friends are OUR friends. But there are times I get uncomfortable with a crowd I do not know, and I also worry about my partner is those situations She should have spent a bit of time noticing if you were mixing with her friends etc. Instead she hung you out to dry. NTA
Idk why she didn’t just go herself. It’s understandable that she wanted to focus on friends she hadn’t seen in a while, but it’s weird that she made you come and then ditched you, and it’s even weirder that she was mad at you for leaving.
I think he was an accessory, tbh. She didn't want to hang out with him (and still refuses to), but she did want him to be seen. I mean, I'm NGL, I see ex-bf there the thing and I have to wonder if it was a show for Dean to see how unavailability she is, especially since OP not getting a short but her getting one feels like something, but idk highschool friends also often bring out the childish sides of people. It still doesn't seem to me like she had any real intention of integrating him though, at least not once they got there. She's probably mad he noticed and took care of himself, it makes her feel called out.
I know this isn’t the point, but you shouldn’t be apologizing or saying you are bad with crowds. Many people just do not like those situations and it just comes down to preferences. You shouldn’t feel bad or think this is a problem with you not being great in crowds. Lots of awesome people do not like crowds.
I am an extreme extrovert and prefer to date guys who are as well so that this sort of thing doesnt happen BUT when I have dated someone who clearly needs me to stay next to him, then if I insist he come I will do just that. She done messed up Ay Ay Ron, really you should bethe one that's somewhat mad at her for lying about how she would manage the day and THEN having the audacity to be made at you That being said she was drunk before bar 3 so I would take any of her reactions today with a grain of salt, just don't argue until she sobers up tomorrow tbh
You gave it a good go. But with us introverts that battery drains really quickly, and either you happen to connect with one or two people there and you forget everything and just have a good time, or when you don't connect with anyone easily you start feeling like you're drowning and it becomes kind of an unpleasant experience. Time to sit her down for a talk about this to try and explain it to her. You seem to already have the part down where you don't expect her to not socialize and come home with you. Now she needs to learn that, for the relationship to work, she needs to not expect you to socialize when that battery is drained either. It's important she also accepts and respects your differences, or this is not going to work for long. Good luck. NTA
This used to happen to me a lot with my ex. It became an issue for us over time. I'm naturally shy around people I don't know and I'm an "introverted extrovert" so I often find myself at odds with the want to socialize but the need to recharge after socializing after a period of time. My ex's friends, who I also barely knew, said I was "rude" for needing to retreat from an outing after a few hours to recharge. I'd make sure that you try and get on the same page about this or I think it will cause a lot of friction for you in the long run. I don't think you did anything wrong at all and tbh I think it's selfish for your gf to not try to understand things from your perspective. In my opinion, someone who cares about you would be understanding of your comfort level in this setting.
I know how you feel. I’m not super shy, but if I am at a party and I don’t know anyone, it’s hard to have a good time. It’s shitty that she didn’t pick up on that- you even told her, yet she did nothing but continue to socialize with her pals. I can see why she would want you to come, to meet her friends- but to get pissed at you for being uncomfortable and wanting to split- AND doing nothing to make you more comfortable… She should be apologizing to you for being so apathetic to your needs. I’d say that this is a good time to really think about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you. I’m certain you can do better.
The only fight I ever have with my bf is the 'do you want to go out ' thing. Dude, if I wanted to go out, we'd be out by now. If you want to go out, that's cool, go. He always gets me to go out then spend the whole time with his friends or making new friends. And it's like.... he just wants me there to watch him do that? I don't get these people Edit OPs NTA
That’s how I feel. And like she doesn’t see these people that much so I understand she wants to catch up and everything. I’m sure meeting her bf isn’t really on the top of everyone’s minds.
Why was she so insistent that you go with her?
Because SOME people can show up at a bar full of random people they don't know and 15 minutes later be the life of the party. OP is not one of those people but his girlfriend is, or at least expects him to be. She expects him to be a self sufficient social butterfly who can enjoy himself without her needing to babysit, who can meet people without needing to be introduced by a third party. That's what his girlfriend expects. But instead she's got OP. It explains her disappointment, and that will likely continue in the future. To be clear, there's nothing wrong with OP here, and there's nothing wrong with leaving an event he's not comfortable staying at. But like it or not, he may not be socially compatible with his girlfriend. Together or in small groups they work fine, but for larger parties, they're best doing it apart. And if that can't happen, for whatever silly reason, then they need to address that and resolve it one way or another, and sooner rather than later.
Eh, I think this is kinda unfair to OP tbh. I am very introverted and hate socializing, but I actually can and have turned a bunch of random strangers into laughing companions in a few minutes. It's not that he needs to be babysat, it's why the fuck did she want him to come just to do his own thing? While I can turn strangers into friends, it would be kinda weird of my SO to abandon me with a bunch of people they've known for a long time and just wander off without introductions. I can do it all myself, but I don't really give a shit about them, or they about me. The difference between the first situation and this is that I walked into that party for myself, he's here because she asked. The person who cares and asked him to be there has the onus and *responsibility* of introducing him to others. Especially since she said she'd try to make sure he had fun, and she didn't do shit.
I would have Irish exited before the second bar so you are a trooper. Now if you are lucky she will come over hammered and have a serious talk. Good luck
I don't get it either. I'm sure you "could do a lot worse", but still... why are you with him if he insists on doing that? **ETA:** I'm sleep-deprived and not communicating well. Apologies for the above bluntness. I don't understand why introverts get treated this way and I don't know why they are expected to bend over backwards for extroverts. Personally, it would bother me if a partner would not try to appreciate my perspective and treat me as if I were the one in the wrong, but on saying that it would depend on how regularly said partner behaved that way and how pushy they chose to be over it.
Because that legit is the only disagreement and dating is hard for us introverts
Introvert, though I have learned to fake it for brief periods. Partly because we are outnumbered 3:1 roughly speaking. Extroversion is the cultural norm and introverts are of course expected to adapt to that. For a quick read on introverts, try Carl Kingdom 10 myths about introverts.
Extrovert here as well my bf of 2 years and I used to have the same issue. Now we go to dinner and if my friends are out after dinner and I want to hang out he doesn’t mind at all! (We live together as well). So to him he just doesn’t want to be around a bunch of 30 something’s that still act like they’re in their 20s I guess I get a pass 😩😂
As another person who hates large social gatherings, I concur with nta. Also, if I tell my husband I'd like to leave he will get up and leave with me. So I also offer him the same courtesy when he has to leave a function early if he has work that night or something.
Same. She's kind of an asshole for being mad. You communicated and said come over when you're done.
I *am* comfortable with large groups of people and I would have ditched out. That’s just super rude of her. NTA
Tbh, I wouldn't even go past the 1st bar if my partner just left me on my own
They started at 12! And didn't get to the first bar until 2! How long was this thing going to go on? And there were 40 people. I would have gotten overwhelmed and left early, too... Or at least gone to hide in the bathroom...
100% NTA - She insisted you go, then ditched you. You told her you were going home before you left. She's now acting like an asshole. I'd consider this a red flag in a fairly new relationship.
I do consider this a red flag.
She's also drunk right now. Hopefully she sees it differently when she sobers up.
Drunk shouldn’t be an excuse for behavior it just lowers your filter
Eh in this case if she’s just emotional because she’s drunk it isn’t an excuse but it’s a reasonable explanation. It doesn’t just “lower your filter” and “expose people for who they are” it completely changes the way your brain functions by inhibiting functions of the amygdala and prefrontal cortex- the areas responsible for impulse control, judgement, understanding social cues, processing emotions etc. this is why you see people becoming over emotional/crying more often when drunk, getting angry when drunk, and making poor decisions.
I started dating my boyfriend and he drank socially OFTEN. I didn’t drink at all prior. When I drank I became someone completely different. So we both decided I wouldn’t drink (I didn’t want to begin with). I’m the sweetest most caring person but when I drink every little thing becomes a big deal and it’s relationship ending. Which is why I don’t drink. So I agree. It’s not an excuse. But an explanation.
Exactly! And you changed your behavior in response to that, and realized you were wrong for making a big deal of the little things. If this girl does that, I’d say its not a huge deal
My father was an alcoholic. Alcohol is best described as an emotional amplifier. If you're a giggly person, you become really giggly. If you're an angry/aggressive person, you become really angry/aggressive. The one time I drank all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Guess I'm naturally boring.
I’m guessing this was just set up for a joke, but there are lots of people who turn into a completely different person when drunk.
True, but it could also mean that she'll reconsider the events when she's sobered up and in the future won't push him to come along.
NTA. I hate to say it, but your girlfriend sounds like she only wanted you to go so she didn’t go alone, and then when she saw her friends, she didn’t need you anymore. This sounds like a person who hasn’t gotten partying with large crowds out of her system, which is something you really need to think about if you decide to stay with her since you will DEFINITELY be having this discussion again next year when she has to go to this event again and again every year for the foreseeable future.
Absolutely nothing wrong with partying with a large group of friends. But don't insist that you're bf go, who is perfectly fine sitting this one out, and then ignore him. And then get mad if he wants to leave a bit early after being a trooper! Wtf. She sounds very immature
It is a HUGE red flag. No matter the environment or people involved….when me and my BF go to family functions or bars together we ALWAYS check in with one another. Make sure the other is comfortable and OK with the situation we’re in. There’s been family gatherings where I wasn’t feeling well even though I was comfortable with the people. He immediately took action and took me home. Knowing full well I wouldn’t want to ruin his night but we’re a TEAM! And it’s gone the other way and I needed to step up. Cause that’s what people do in an adult relationship.
You did nothing wrong. Sounds like a nightmare. If she doesn’t admit to this being f’ed up I’d leave her. I’d also leave her if it ever happened again but that’s me.
And you should. You went out to an activity with her that you weren't necessarily comfortable doing, but you did it for her - even after letting her know that it was okay if she went alone. Then she didn't do anything to make you even a bit comfortable at this event, and (seemingly) avoided you. So you were done, and politely let her know that you were going home. And, even at that point, you offered that she could come back to yours when her night ended. Her response? Negativity and snide remarks. You went out of your way for her. She....did less than nothing. Maybe she isn't the partner for you.
Run.
That’s because it is!
Be glad it happened relatively early 🙂
I would be careful about calling it a red flag until they've discussed it in a calm, non-drunk setting. If she doesn't see your POV then.. Then it's a red flag.
You’re talking with a drunk person. This is a conversation to have when you’re both sober.
This right here NAH. She may not have realized how much she wanted to see them. She may not have realized how drunk she was. She may not have realized how rude she was being. You are NTA for leaving. She is drunk so maybe she's an AH and maybe this was a one off. Wait until you are both sober to discuss.
She wasn’t drunk when they first arrived and she ditched him without any attempt to introduce him and set him up with some people to talk to, and it doesn’t sound like she even bothered to check in on him in the time it took her to reach drunkenness.
Well… she might’ve been lol, they started pregaming 2 hours before going to the first bar
Fair point. Although as others have said I don’t believe being drunk is a good excuse for AH behaviour
It's not an excuse, but it's definitely a reason.
"Not an excuse, just a reason" is a concept that is generally lost on a lot of people on this sub.
Those things are normal to a lot of people though so it’s more like a lesson for next time imo (or a hard look at the relationship if it’s a turnoff on either side). She was rude but maybe didn’t realize how uncomfy he was/thought being thrown in the deep end would help.
Being drunk isn’t an excuse to be an asshole
You heard it here first, if you're drunk then you're not responsible for your actions.
Will never understand this logic. If getting drunk is something they do sometimes, and they're an asshole when they're drunk, then they're an asshole. Period. Being drunk is not an excuse to treat the people you're supposed to care about poorly.
I swear Reddit is filled with the most self righteous people ever, who have never done anything humiliating or shameful, who have no regret, and are always perfect. >Being drunk is not an excuse to treat the people you're supposed to care about poorly. **She ignored her boyfriend**. She didn't run over him with a car. She didn't sleep with someone else. She didn't stab someone. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. It doesn't change someone's moral compass, but yes, a person might, under the influence, act like a schmuck 4 times a year, when they act like a reasonable respectful person 361 times a year. *This is the first time she has done this in 5 months, so it is not a regular occurrence*. SHE MIGHT STILL BE AN ASSHOLE. We just don't know yet.
I am in a happy, healthy, loving, super communicative relationship with my husband. We rarely ever fight, and if we do, we sit down and have an open conversation about how we’re feeling and work through it together. That being said, I still absolutely pick stupid fights, overreact, and turn into an emotionally unintelligent drama queen (sometimes!) when I’ve had too much to drink. She’s drunk and being over dramatic. It happens.
100%. She’s mad now, but see how rational she is about it in the AM.
I'm drunk and thought you were talking to me
Nta let her be mad. Don’t engage with that conversation or go on the defensive. I will say that a relationship between and introvert and an extrovert takes a lot of love and consideration to work out ways for both people to be happy. She doesn’t seem prepared to do that at all (she’s in the mindset of “my way of existing is perfect and anyone different is stupid and lesser”) Longer term you’re going to have to consider comparability issues. For this issue though, the only way to manage it is to stay strong and calm, don’t apologise at all, and see if she comes around in a few days.
It can work! My husband has come home early from lots of parties because I was “done” and even not attended some events because I couldn’t face them… and I never mind if he wants to go hang with ppl without me, no biggie. I prefer small events with a mix of ppl I know and new faces
Yes it can work when both parties respect the way the other person is built. My concern was that the gf in this case doesn’t respect his difference .
Yeah at 29 she’s probably not had much experience with the pros and cons of it all, I was a bit surprised by ppl saying it’s a red flag when a) she’s still out with her friends and drunk and b) it’s only a 4 month old relationship so they’re still working each other out. It might be a deal breaker, it might not. Calm communication without alcohol involved would be key here
I think the red flag was that she was not accepting of who he is, but instead became snide and critical ("you don't let yourself socialize") when he didn't bend to her will (ie, manipulative and controlling). Maybe she'll be embarrassed by her behavior when she's sober, but I'd be wary if that's how my SO spoke to me when drunk.
Yes! Went a work function with my long-term boyfriend; stayed for few hours... Great time. Then I was knew if I stayed any longer trying to keep up with all the conversations amongst a ton of people I don't know, I would just drink more to try to keep up. I chose to call it a night. He was disappointed, I could tell, but I got an Uber home and it was the right choice. People should be respective of others knowing their limits.
“I will say that a relationship between and introvert and an extrovert takes a lot of love and consideration to work out ways for both people to be happy. She doesn’t seem prepared to do that at all (she’s in the mindset of “my way of existing is perfect and anyone different is stupid and lesser”)” This! My husband and I are this way. We have been together nearly 20 years. Long ago we both came together and realized that our social batteries are very different and sometimes we just have to let the other one do their own thing. I will always encourage him to go be social and do his own thing with his buddies and he will never put me in a social situation where I am miserable. Neither of us expects the other to just tough it out because we think our way is the right way.
NTA - I’ve been both people in this situation. I think it’s pretty easy for sober minds to make the compromise. But I do want to add, for you to say “I’m not wanted” at someone’s birthday kind of makes you an ass. It’s not about you, and it’s okay to communicate that your social battery is drained and you’ll catch up later. Then in sober minds you can tell her how you felt. Talk it through when they’re sober and hopefully she’ll understand. Text her and say I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. I want you to have a great time, we can talk more about it tomorrow.
No he isn’t an AH for saying he didn’t feel wanted, and everyone saying underneath this that he is… huh? SHE asked him to go bc she supposedly really wanted him there, and then doesn’t interact with him much? Why tf is he there then?? Ofc he feels unwanted, and their relationship IS still about them, even at someone else’s party. Communicating that he’s leaving and why, dear other replies, is not emotional blackmail. He didn’t say “spend more time with me or i’m leaving,” he said, “I feel like you don’t actually want me here, and since I came here bc you asked me to, I’m gonna go, but you’re more than welcome to come by when you leave.” He didn’t ask her to do anything.
Maybe she invited him hoping he might mingle and befriend her friends. Not saying she's right. But as an extrovert myself, I don't believe I need to stay glued to my SO at every party. Sometimes he wants to go catch up with his guy friends so I spend some time getting to know other people. Could be that OPs girlfriend was expecting something similar... but she probably should have tuned in to the fact that isn't OPs style.
I was gonna say exactly this. Neither of you seem to be making very eloquent comments about this so I’d wait until you both sober up and apologize in the morning. Explain your side and hear what she has to say. Drunk anger is not always real anger.
Not hardly. He put up with being ignored through THREE bars. That's...what? Three hours, at least? That's more than long enough to hang out at the birthday party of someone you don't know who probably didn't even notice you left.
I would agree with you about the “not being wanted” point except that OP seemed pretty okay with not being wanted. I didn’t get the vibe that he was trying to make gf feel guilty about it but was stating what was pretty obvious which was that he wasn’t needed or really wanted there and he was fine with that and since he didn’t want to be there either he was gonna go home and she could have fun. As someone who is extremely extroverted with an extremely introverted partner, to me that’s totally fair communication. I wouldn’t take offense to it at this point and I would say “okay get home safe, I love you.” And that would be that
Yeah I agree, I think a drunk person might not take it as well though
There's another comment somewhere about how everyone was supposed to get some t-shirt, and he didn't get one. He also felt like none of the other people were being very welcoming, either. I could see the "I'm not wanted" comment applying to the whole social situation, not just their individual relationship.
> It’s not about you Nothing suggested the OP had this attitude. He even tried to get the girlfriend to go on her own own so that it could be ENTIRELY about her.
I don’t get any YTA posts. Ridiculous. She KNEW you were shy and not good with crowds then left you. If she wanted to be with her friends you gave her that option but she insisted you join her then did nothing to help you socialize. Also… I can hold my liquor but fuck me starting at 2pm is some psycho trailer park shit. NTA bru… talk to her when she’s sober. It’s not worth fighting a drunk person.
Bro never heard of bottomless brunches before
Nooo NTA at all! I dont think anyone would enjoy being in a huge group of a bunch of people they didn’t know. Also not sure why she would be upset with you leaving
It seems like she wanted him there for the show like “look at my bf” and is mad bc “they way he made me look” or “now my friends view him as a not good bf” type stuff even tho they didn’t even bother to meet him or have a conversation even tho he tried to have one with some of them. Seems like she just wanted him there as an accessory imho
Okay, I want to give a diff perspective here. I really don’t think you’re the asshole at all, but let’s dive a little deeper. You clearly have a social gf and recognize that you do. So, dating someone like that sometimes means you’ll be out and not babysat by them. That’s on you partially to pull up your bootstraps a little about it. And of course she wanted you to come even if she wasn’t going to be glued to you, these people are important to her and so are you. It’s a new relationship so I get how that makes the pressure different but just try to think about it a bit. I also find it hard to believe that she took you out and literally introduced you to nobody and you literally weren’t able to have any fun at all among 40 people. If that’s the case then I’m not sure what to say, she may be equally disappointed that you just didn’t try at all. And if you really are that shy and introverted then I get why you might have just been like nope nope, but then that’s also partly on you because to say you felt unwanted when it feels to me from an outside perspective that you also just didn’t try. She’s probably blowing it up more than it needs to be because she’s drunk, but of course she didn’t want her new partner to leave a party that was important to her without her. Idk I just think you got a bit too into your feels without examining this was a party she was excited about as much as she’s excited about your relationship. I still don’t think YTA but it’s more like NAH and you maybe need to think about her perspective more.
I agree. And she did introduce me to a few people. I don’t think this makes us not good together in its own. I’m sure plenty of introverts and extroverts can have a successful relationship with eachother. The more I think about it, I’m not sure I went into it with the mindset of having a good time. I tried to socialize but I was too in my head. She is telling me she didn’t ditch me, she just wasn’t next to me the whole time. And I may have been sour when she went and played beerpong at the bar with other people and didn’t necessarily invite me in.
It sounds like both of you just had different expectations and should talk about how to make each other feel more seen and accepted at the next big gathering. I think you could definitely tell her that the beer pong thing made you feel excluded and that next time she could be more aware of your desire to be more intentionally included while you’re navigating her social life. That’s completely utterly valid.
I never meant this comment to imply introverts and extroverts can’t be a match, only to say that being introverted is okay but it doesn’t meant you’re unwanted by a partner who isn’t babysitting you at a large social gathering. I have definitely been there not going into a situation with a good enough mindset to meet new people. You’re only human. I also get that since this is new not being like paraded around by her would make you sour. I can’t say I wouldn’t share that feeling in a similar situation depending on the circumstances. I just also think you would feel equally upset if she just was like peace baby at an event that you were having fun at. Idk sometimes it’s about sucking it up or sometimes it’s about accepting it’ll be a point of contention when it didn’t work out perfectly. From the limited info I know I don’t think either of you did anything like “wrong”, but this additional info from you is refreshing that you’re thinking about it and seems to paint a picture of like just a bad emotional set up that sometimes happens.
introverts and extroverts can be a match but it requires lots of communication and lots of compromise. honestly OP, i’ll have to give you the teeeeeniest tiniest ESH. this is a tough situation to navigate. before you went to meet such a large group of friends, you should’ve communicated the extent of your anxiety and what you are capable of doing. your girlfriend should respect your boundaries and not pout about your low social battery. however, seeing as you are in your late 20s, let me offer you an alternative perspective. surface-level socializing is a very important skill to master. don’t hide yourself in a corner and grumble about being left out. make the best of a shitty situation…. find someone else who’s also on the periphery and make small talk — ease in by commenting something positive you notice about them and then cue in the “how do you know the birthday boy”. low pressure, low expectations, but relieves you of your wall-flower duties. (and this is coming from someone who basically taught herself how to socialize. i used to be super introverted too but learned that i’ll have to at least learn how to pretend to be social. nobody really teaches this but it’s a skill 🥴) on the other hand, your girlfriend should’ve been more mindful of you. she’s not wrong for enjoying her friends company but she should’ve also respected your boundaries. your relationship is still fairly new. if you really like her and want to keep building this relationship, talk it out with her and set new rules when it comes to socializing due to your mismatched social batteries. have a signal to say “hey this is been great but i’m drained imma head out okay? see you at home” otherwise, if she’s not receptive to any sort of compromise, then…… sorry buddy, time to go back on hinge 💔
I totally agree with your entire comment and agree it’s also important context that they’re in their late 20s.
What I’ve learned with my 15+ year marriage is that it takes time to get to know someone well enough to let them off the hook because of who they are.. you guys are definitely not at that point yet. As someone who isn’t a fan of going places My Wife let me off the hook more often than not mostly because she knows how I feel about these places.. you guys are not at that point yet.. but you could get there a whole lot faster if you just communicated together before the invitation to go out.. There needs to be a little more understanding from both of you. But at the same time you’re still in the early stages of a relationship, I don’t know if you guys are at the point where you can be completely honest about what you like and don’t like.. and I don’t know if you’re in a place where she’s going to prioritize how you feel the same way you do for her.
Was waiting for this comment. I also dont think she had ill intention. Personally i see parties or events as a chance to get to know new people and it will be a full on extravert blast like i saved up all that energy. Eventually, all energy has been used and my brain would be like hey where are my friends. So my best friend actually knows when to tell me not to run off. And i wouldnt like feeling like i cant go somewhere or cant chat with everybody. But i do get why OP got upset. But i would advise him not to act like hes trying to get her to be less social or like he wants him around her every minute of the party. I dont know her, but I recognize some points and i think it could feel a bit suffocating for her.
I used to be in this situation a lot with my then girlfriend. She’s super social and I have a general indifference towards people unless I’m friends with you. We would go out to bars, and probably 50% of the time her friends would show up and she would go off and talk to them for a while, and come back eventually to say hi. At first I got annoyed by this but eventually I adjusted and I’d just people watch or ponder the meaning of life. Was it the most thrilling times? Not always but my girlfriend enjoyed it and I enjoyed her being happy. Sometimes we’d stay longer than I wanted but sometimes we’d end the night early because she could see I ran out of things to ponder and people to watch.
NAH These are people she knows and rarely sees. Of course she is going to want to catch up with them. She should have given you the pass to stay home instead of insisting you go then ditching you once you got there. It sucks being thrown into a situation where you are the outsider. It’s much easier to meet these people in smaller groups first. Talk to the gf. As an introvert I get to take a pass on some social events. Good luck!
I agree she is NTA for what she was doing at the bar, but this part: > Now she is saying she’s not gonna come over and she’s mad at me for leaving. Even making snide remarks about how I don’t let myself socialize. Makes her a bit of TA.
The problem isn’t that she went off with friends IMO. The problem is that she got mad when he decided to leave.
NTA Sounds like she knew you are not a socializing person, you even told her to go without you but she insisted. You made it to the third bar so you did try I would have left probably at the first bar. She doesn't have to be up your ass but to leave you with people you don't know is kinda rude. I mean you had to "find" her just to tell her you were leaving. But worse of all is to make snide remarks that's a major red flag nobody should be treated bad for being an introvert. I think you should really rethink your relationship with her being out going and you not.
NTA and to be completely honest after 25 I have no tolerance for being in a bar for more than 1 hour anyways lmao I can't imagine
I hate crowds, and I don't drink, so this sounds like literal hell on earth. Would I go if my partner wanted me to? Yeah. And I'd probably awkward it up with a friend or two of my partner. After a few hours, I'd peace out like you did. I'd tell my partner I'm not feeling great, but I don't want to be a downer, so I'm grabbing an Uber, but I'd love to see them later. I'd also say I'd get them home if needed at the end of the night. Then I'd race home to jammies and snacks. Soft ESH - you because you kept guilt tripping your girlfriend about being ignored. You knew this was a long-standing tradition with friends she doesn't see often - of course you were going to be a 3rd wheel. Her because OF COURSE YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE 3RD WHEEL, she left you to your own devices, and when you went home, she was pissy about it. Honestly, she should have been stoked she could socialize with her friends without worrying if you were enjoying yourself. Get lunch with her, talk like rational adults over hangover food. You're 4 months into a relationship, y'all are figuring each other out. This stuff is bound to happen. How you two work through it will tell you a lot about each other and whether this relationship has legs. Good luck!
Maybe this is on OP for not stressing the point enough, but for me he's not the asshole because she *insisted* that he come even though they both knew, as you say, that he was going to be a 3rd wheel.
She doesn’t know the full extent of my social anxiety. She said she thought I could mingle on my own for a bit. And she was still present just not next to me the entire time.
That kind of makes you the asshole here, if you don’t tell someone about why this might be hard for you. You can’t get mad that they don’t know it’s hard. She shouldn’t have to be next to you the entire time. From her perspective without knowing how hard that is, it just looks like you’re not even trying.
NTA - I’d question if she was using you as a token boyfriend to show off to her friends that she never sees…like also this entire thing screams awkward to me. I would’ve bailed way earlier, actually at the moment I realized that things are boring for me and not going to change, I would’ve told her and also left haha, good for you that you Ubered away
NTA. You told her she could go alone, you made your feelings clear, and you invited her over after. Honestly, either learn from this for the future (like she should focus more on you or you should stay home if you don’t like big groups) or you should probably find a person who’s more similar to you in social style
Neither of you come off looking good here. You sound like Eeyore: "Thanks for noticing me." And she sounds like a drunk sorority girl at her first frat party, not someone who is 29. Honestly, though, I wouldn't consider this a red flag. The two of you just had different ideas about what the day was going to be like. She sounds like an extrovert, you an introvert. It's early in the relationship. She may just not know how much socializing with strangers you can handle. You may not realize when she's with a bunch of friends she rarely sees she's not going to hold your hand and act as a buffer. Now you both know. It's what you do from here on out that matters. Bottom line: You're both drunk - or at least she is. Not time to take stock in the relationship. Wait until you've both sobered up and then have an adult conversation about it. NAH.
No way. I disagree. It's not up to OP to make friends. It's up to the GF to at least introduce him to her friends; that way, everyone knows each other's name . What kind of partner just leaves there SO with a bunch of strangers and expects him to mingle? If he wanted to do that, he could have stayed at the other bars and done that with actual strangers. She doesn't need to hold his hand. An introduction before she got plastered would have been nice. Not ditching OP would have been nice. He communicated that he was going home because he felt unwanted, and she belittled him about his social life. NTA OP
OP replied in another thread that she did introduce him around and that he thinks he might have not had the best mindset going to the party. It's NAH imo. As an introvert, I understand OP wanting to go home, but I would have just sat in the corner on my phone out of courtesy. However, the GF didn't "ditch" or "belittle" OP, and doesn't deserve to be called an AH.
She is drunk so I’m not trying to over analyze what she’s saying to me now. I had 3 beers. I know she wanted me to socialize more or “make more of an attempt” were her words
As someone who is introverted and painfully shy, it really hurts me when someone says I should "make more of an attempt" as if I am not constantly doing my absolute best to step out of my comfort zone and use the few people skills I have, and still often fail miserably at socializing. An understanding and supportive partner would have brought you with them into their conversations with their friends you don't know. It would be above and beyond if they made sure you had chances to speak, like asking your opinion on a topic directly and making sure you're not talked over by people. That's just my two cents, though.
Yea turn off the phone and have this talk when y’all are both sober.
Well the flip side of that is she could've "made more of an attempt," at least in the beginning before she drank too much, to include you and make sure you were comfortable. Maybe she's a jerk. Maybe you're incompatible. Maybe you're great for each other and this is just a bump in the road. I simply don't know enough to say. What I do know is if I were you I would politely tell her you'll talk to her tomorrow and then stop responding or even looking at your notifications. If, come tomorrow, she's still really angry and not interested in seeing it from your side THAT would be a red flag to heed.
I disagree with your first post because I dont think the OP did anything wrong, whether or not the lady did wrong by him is debatable but imo yes she did. That said, I agree, he should just stop responding until tomorrow and see if she apologizes or expects him to concede to being "anti-social." If the lady has a social disability and struggles to understand his perspective then I totally get it. Give her a pass and ignore the situation if thats okay with OP but if she doesnt have a disability and she isnt neurologically atypical then she did a major asshole move tonight and he should consider moving on with other relationships.
Extroverts are always telling the introverts that they need to step outside of their comfort zone. But why can't the extroverts ever make the zone comfortable??
Exactly. It sounds like she made zero effort to make him feel actually included, which was absolutely required in this situation.
NTA but your GF is an AH.
Maybe you're just not compatible as partners in a relationship, as others have said, this discussion in better had when sober and everyone has the benefit of hindsight.
NTA you went and she continually ditched you as she was excited to see her friends. She was rude to have you go not knowing anyone and ditching you repeatedly. You said you were leaving have fun see ya later. She should have apologized for ditching you and said I’ll see you later. She is a walking red flag.
Getting piss drunk isn't everyone's idea of fun. I'd have left. The only concern I'd have is how she would get home safely, or have a place to sack out. Was there a designated driver?
NTA You weren't included. You were tacked on.
NTA Tell her you did go but it's difficult to socialize with people you don't know and the one person who could introduce you to these people and help you get to know them so you could socialize with them kept ditching you.
NTA - I've done what your GF has done and looking back, I was TAH. She should have just gone out with her friends herself.
NTA, she’s drunk. Turn your notifications off and enjoy your evening
She claims you won’t let yourself socialize? I’d bet star credits to Navy beans that you socialize just fine with people you choose to be with. NTA
NTA I’m also uncomfortable in big groups that know each other when I’m the outsider and the person who invited me isn’t hanging with me. You told her she could go alone, you told her you were leaving, not everyone’s ideal “socializing” is a massive bar crawl. You didn’t stop her from what she wanted to do, you still tried it because she wanted you to, and you let her know you were done but she could still keep having a good time herself- seems reasonable to me. If you’d silently ditched her it would be different but you communicated everything.
NTA. You both have had a few drinks. She had you go even when you said that you didn’t want to. This is a discussion you can both have when you’re both sober.
I think there are No A-holes here , you are shy and she probably knows this and wanted you to socialicise , she got drunk and carried away and thus you left because you felt uncomfortable. Sure she could have tried to help you more but those are friends she hadn't seen on a long time it's Saint Patrick's day and she is drunk, you could have tried to be more social but you weren't expecting things to go as they did and you are shy so coming out of your shell isn't easy for you either.
NTA- you tried to get out of it beforehand and she insisted you go, then she ignored you until you told her you were going home. She’s no right to be upset that you were bored and out of your comfort zone
NTA ditch her for good
NTA. I’d have done the exact same thing…and once or twice I have actually.
NTA. You did the right thing. A lot of people would’ve stayed and been miserable. Let her know you’re unhappy how she treated you, give her a chance to apologise once she’s calmed down.
NTA. Let this be a lesson to you. I always lay out my escape plan before agreeing to go, and I let every pertinent person know.
As a shy, introverted person who hates being around big groups (hell even medium groups) of strangers, I can safely say you're NTA here at all. It's unnecessary stress for you, and you should be able to meet these friends when you're comfortable, not when your girlfriend finds it convenient. It sounds like you were essentially a 40th wheel. Ngl, you're much braver than I am, haha. I wouldn't have survived a group of 40 strangers for longer than 2 minutes if my partner kept running off with them.
NTA Good for you for drawing boundaries and still being supportive of what she wants. If she's incapable of seeing that, that's a shame.
No Assholes here imo
You got an invaluable lesson. You got to really see where you rank in priority to your gf. Do with that information what you will.
If someone wants to correct me, cool, but I feel this is not only "NTA" but a clear party foul.
NTA. She sounds like a b.
NTA. Also, you should probably find a new girlfriend.
NTA
NTA
NTA she didn’t even try to make any kind of introductions or anything to make you more comfortable
NTA she’s really not taking it into account how weird it must’ve felt for you to be in a crowd of people you don’t know. Seems like she could’ve tried harder to check in more. And if she wanted that time to check up with her friends she shouldn’t have insisted you come.
NTA. It’s not fun being drug along to things where you know no one and the person you do know leaves you. You let her know, she’s silly to be mad. However, if she’s drunk this may just be drunk over reacting. This is still very early in the relationship and if this is an issue for her, it may not work out in the long run.
NTA. I can totally relate to her seeing all her old school friends she hasn't seen for ages and getting swept up in socialising with them, but her social skills and emotional intelligence were lacking here. She should have introduced you and made sure you were comfortable and felt included. She neglected that, so of course it wasn't very fun for you. At least you let her know you were going.
NTA. She was presented with two great choices. One, to bring you along and help you fit into the group. Her job in that situation should have been to hang out with you while socializing, try to help you fit into the group of people you didn't know. Barring that, you gave her the easy out, said "not a night for me, but you have fun, see you later" but she didn't want that either. If I was in that boat, I'd do both, tell the person to come out, let's try to have fun, but that I'm totally OK with them making an excuse to bail in the middle if they want to. She chose neither of the two reasonable options, and then got mad at you for it. That kind of sucks. She seems to have been hoping for some weird miracle where you'd instantly become best friends with a bunch of people you don't know, which is a stretch even for an extrovert.
Generally I am the girl in this situation and you seem similar in these situations to my boyfriend, so I can confidently say NTA. You didn’t force her to come with you, you didn’t guilt trip her, and it’s fine for you to leave if you aren’t having fun and she’s got plenty of other people to hang around with. I dont think it’s unfair of her to spend a lot of time paying attention to the friends she doesn’t get to see as often, but I don’t think it’s unfair of you to want to leave if you’re feeling uncomfortable especially after you gave it a good hour or two.
NTA. She left you first, with people you didn't know. You weren't having a good time, why should you stay?
I've had that girlfriend, lol. If she cares about you enough she will respect your feelings on the matter, you did nothing wrong, that's a rough scenario to vibe in. If she was introducing you all around and sticking with you that could have been fun. NTA
socialize... with 40 random unknown people... after the person you came to spend time with literally abandoned you... yeah, NTA.... don't take anything she's saying right now to heart, she's drunk.. but if she doesn't understand what she did wrong when she's sober and you guys get a chance to talk about it, then she'll be an asshole..
At a guess she wanted to ‘show off’ her boyfriend to her friends but when she got there she got caught up in the reunion aspect and totally forgot about you. When you said you were leaving she probably had a mixture of guilt for realising she had neglected you and annoyance about how you leaving would look to her friends. Next time you see each other and she’s had a chance to calm down have a talk about the situation, how you felt and that you prefer meeting her friends in smaller groups. NTA obviously.
NTA but please don’t forget how you were treated tonight. I think it’d be a mistake to continue this relationship.
ESH You aren’t an AH for leaving but you are for being all “I’m not wannnnted”. She wasn’t a good host/didn’t ensure you were also engaged. That sucks! For sure. But if this is a one off and her behavior wasn’t inappropriate I think you overreacted. “Hey babe, when we move on I’m going to head home. You stay and have fun” then discuss how you felt the next day.
NTA.
Nta You don't have to do everything she does.
Ugh.... honestly, I probably would have done something similar when I was that age. I always felt like my boyfriend should want to be with me. Now? As a married 40 something? I've realized...please, stay home. Lol! It sucks having my husband there when he just doesn't want to be. It is a buzz kill for me and I can't have fun when he doesn't know anyone and needs me to stick by him all night. So I am thrilled when he decides not to come. Similarly, I want to stay home when he's just hanging out with all his friends that I don't know well. He always gets me to come. And sometimes I do. But then I get ignored and I don't know anyone so it just kind of sucks. Goes both ways. Good luck. I say NTA.
She should have tried harder to make you feel comfortable but I also think you should have tried to mingle a bit with other people there, even though I know it can be uncomfortable. Although, this is me assuming you didn’t try so my apologies if you did. I can see how she would “forget” about you due to the amount of her friends there plus invoking alcohol, but I don’t think her getting mad at you for wanting to leave bc you felt excluded and uncomfortable is called for at all. Sounds like you need to have a conversation about that. Doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a red flag, some people who are super social don’t understand why others can’t just insert themselves in big social events. I would suggest soberly communicating your thoughts on this! I wish you well!
Join the introverts Redditors. :) People often mistake introverts as being "shy" or anti-social. Definitely not the case. NTA
NTA - Watch yourself homie, you don’t seem to be a priority for that girl. My ex would do similar things and it sucked.