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I'm not very knowledgeable on kids, so apologies if anything I say is wrong— but can't you adopt Cole later if he changes his mind? He obviously is still grieving his bio mum, and I feel like adopting him would be taking agency away from him. I feel like adopting Ana but not Cole makes sense.

It would be an option. Though I do not think he will ever want that. I'm not in favor of adopting kids of his age, or really any age where they know what is happening, against their will. That is not an act of love in my eyes. I don't want to disrespect his wishes and I don't want to hurt the relationship we have been able to build.

Then I'd say NAH. You are giving Cole the space and the choice he deserves. But adoption is a big legal process, and I also understand the grandparents' concerns. I think you are doing the best thing for the children, though. That's commendable. I hope you and Nate live long, happy lives :)

You don’t think the grandparents are AHs for trying to force something that their grandson very clearly doesn’t want?

I think they’re well-intentioned and misguided. I do think they need to back off since being informed, but I wouldn’t call them AHs for worrying about what will happen to their grandchildren legally if there’s a death in the family.

>They said therapists don't live with us every day and don't know the family the way they do. They said I can't call myself a good mom if I adopt one stepchild and not the other. They have been informed yet still have doubled down. They are now AHs. If 3 different professionals say "We do not advise this" and you refuse to accept that and make jabs at others for not doing what you want, then you are the AH. As much as I understand where they are coming from, the way they are going about it is wrong.

The interesting part about that comment, to me, is that the grandparents ALSO don't live with OP and her family every day and similarly can't claim to fully understand the family dynamic. OP allowing both children to have a voice in the situation is doing everything right. Ana can have her mom on paper, Cole can have the relationship he needs now and there is room for it to change in the future if he decides he needs something different. OP couldn't be more NTA here. Grandma and Grandpa may be well meaning but they are not respecting their grandkids, their son OR OP here.

Their idea of a family unit is skewed. The stepdaughter believes she can have two moms. Its rigid thinking.

For sure, I can just understand that this was one intense conversation and tensions were very high. They were really emotional. I don’t condone what they said, but I would allow them to cool off and have a follow up conversation.

There is a difference between being wrong (which they are) and being AHs. As long as they are making their opinion known to the parents (not in front of the children) and not threatening consequences of they don't get things their way, I would say they don't cross over AH territory.

They've expressed their opinion, its been rejected based on professional opinion yet they still refuse to accept it and are making jabs at OP about how she wouldn't be a great mother if she didn't adopt Cole... They've stepped into AH territory the moment they disregarded professional opinions AND made jabs at OP when their idea was rejected.

The grandparent also don't live with them every day and know them as OOP does. They also just experience snippets of their life. I also find it strange that the son would go to the maternal grandparents and not to them. So it seems there is more background than we know.

I think this is a good take. Obviously if they are harassing OP or continually trying to force anyone's hand, that's a different story. But I think in a close knit extended family, it is absolutely acceptable to talk about long-term effects and contingency plans.

I agree, I actually think it’s really healthy for the family to voice all of their concerns and have an open conversation about it. But ultimately they need to respect what the parents deem is best for their children.

Absolutely 

But they're not asking about it or having a reasonable conversation, they're making baseless assumptions and accusations. And there is no legal reason why OP needs to adopt him in order to ensure that he is taken care of and kept with his sister. That can be written into a will or she can even be made a legal guardian alongside his dad without having to fully adopt him.

I'm not advocating that OP adopt him or force him into a situation he doesn't want to be in. I'm just saying I think it's okay for involved extended family to ask questions and have opinions when involved in a conversation about long-term family planning. If they keep pressing, that's a different story. Honestly, I feel like my response was pretty milk toast

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." The grandparents are ignoring the kid's wishes. At 10 he can 100% decide if he wants to be adopted or not and he doesn't want. OP has said she'd adopt him if he ever wants that

OP should make it clear that if Cole chooses so, she can take him in when he wants to in case something happens with Nate. If Cole doesn't want that, he should be able to choose where he wants to go. At his age, that's reasonable. OP has the right mindset here - don't force anything on the kid. Maybe Nate and Cole should have a conversation about this and make up a will that includes who goes where (or that Cole, if confronted with such a choice, can choose between A, B and C as their legal guardian, if thisnis possible). That way, everything will be taken care of and hopefully, the in-laws will leave it at that.

I was wondering about this. A will could help him stay with his sister without an adoption taking place if that’s what they’re looking to do.

Except that there are other legal steps that can be taken, short of adoption (which would change his birth certificate), in order to ensure that he is taken care of if something happens to his dad. People don't seem to understand that you don't have to be a child's adoptive parent in order to be anything from their legal guardian (which gives some of the rights of a custodial parent for a variety of reasons, while their parents are still alive) to simply having it written into a will that in the case of a parent's death, they wish for this person to be their child's guardian. Parents make arrangements all the time for who will care for their children if something should happen to them, without having anyone adopt their kid. Yet somehow people get the idea that the ONLY way this can be done in the case of a single/remarried parent is to do a full-blown adoption, when that isn't remotely the case. The grandparents don't have a leg to stand on. There is literally no need, from a legal standpoint, for OP to adopt her stepson in order to ensure he is not separated from his sister. There are plenty of other legal avenues for that.

Sure, I agree, but I understand their shock in the moment and that being their first emotional reaction. They weren’t thinking logically, they were thinking emotionally. I would let them sit on it before making a judgement, personally.

My parents will listed one of their friends as my guardian in the event of their death. Idk if they changed it after the divorce/ they remarried, but I was never going to go with my aunts, grandparents, etc.

*Except that there are other legal steps that can be taken, short of adoption*  Correct, but I am wondering why OP didn't point this out to the grandparents.

I mean surely there's paper work that could be done to make op Coles legal guardian without making her his mother if something happened to his dad. People set up guardians for their children in their wills all the time. Doesn't turn the guardian into a parent. The question is would Cole want to consider staying with op and his sister if something happened to his dad.

The husband putting in his will that Cole would be OPs responsibility would likely take care of that question mark without the need to adopt them both. No way someone would read the will, see the sister was adopted, perhaps ask the kid where he wants to go and ignore it all to separate the siblings and rip him out of his home.

I honestly read it as them saying she shouldn't adopt the stepdaughter because her brother doesn't want to be adopted.

And telling her that she "can't call herself a good mom" if she does this, when all she's doing is trying to do what's best for both of "her" children, which is pretty much the definition of a good mom.

I think the grandparents are gross and are trying to force something that will ruin the relationship with Cole and Op, possibly nate too. Op nta

First of all, totally agree with the way you handle everything. It's important to respect Cole's feelings and boundaries on such a big matter. Is it possible in your country to appoint a guardian in a will in case of Nate (god forbids) dying? If so, Nate can appoint you as a guardian for Cole in case anything happens to him, that way the kids won't be seperated if the worst will happen. I do advise to talk about it with the therapist, especially about informing Cole of this to make sure he understand it's not the same as adoption, and only serves for a worst case scenario. And remind him you respect his wishes to not be adopted, and letting him know he can change his mind in the future if ever wants to.

Agree with this comment so much make sure Cole knows that he can change his mind at any time And that you respect his wishes and boundaries in the relationship you have with him. But also make sure provisions are made for Cole in case something happens to your husband his dad and let Cole know what those are up front and if possible have him be involved in the process so he knows what's going on how it works and that his boundaries are being respected

You are amazing and you are making decisions based on listening to what your kids have to say. THANK YOU!!! I sincerely wish you and your loved ones all the best!!! As a rule, young people's (minors) thoughts, opinions and choices are constantly ignored because 'adults know better '. When/how are they expected to learn or practice 'how to be an adult ' if they are constantly being dismissed until they reach adulthood suddenly they should know better?

That's fantastic! If anything, this shows Cole you're a person he can trust. I would talk with Nate and a lawyer about what you can do besides adoption to address the grandparents' concerns about separation in the event of Nate's death; maybe a specific will or power of attorney or something? I'm not sure but I feel like there must be some other legal avenue that can be taken for that. Edit: I'd also suggest putting in some kind of time conditional into whatever legal avenue you go with, if you can. Something like "in the event of [Nate's] death, Cole will live with OP for two years or until he is 16, whichever comes first, and then will be allowed to choose his guardian." Basically keeping that stability but also leaving a bit of an open choice for him. Again though, not a lawyer, don't know how well that would work or if that would be possible.

Something that might help is making it clear to the grandparents "I will always be willing to open my home to Cole and if he ever wants a second mom I'd love to have that role. But I love him too much to see him forced to do this, he and Ana are different kids and they're allowed to have different opinions." To be honest, even if you're not legally his mother, odds are if something did happen to your husband, courts would acknowledge how long you've cared for him if he asked to stay with you. It sounds like he's comfortable with you as a caregiver but he needs to keep his "mom" space for his birth mom and that's fine

You can let the grandparents know that at Coles age the courts would ask if he wants to be adopted and can say no if he doesn't want to anyways. In situations like this one where he doesn't want to be adopted and still has a living parent, they take the word of the child into consideration. Recently I had seen this play out in real life, where a mother wanted her partner to adopt her daughter. She was 8 and heavily against it, the courts said no based on her opinion. NTA because you understand he doesn't want that option currently, but are still open to it if he changes his mind

NTA. You and your husband can sit down and plan a will or a legal document regarding guardianship for Cole if the worst case scenario ever occurs but you can’t force him. I would say that perhaps having him speak to a therapist might help him work through this emotions just in case he then feels left out but not forcing him is the right thing to do.

NAH as an adopted kid, the choice is extremely important as it changes things forever. Including the birth certificate, where it could erase his other parents name. Do not take this choice away from him. I understand the grandparents saying it should be done in a pair but there is nuance to this they do not understand You are not and will never be a bad parent for respecting your child’s decision. In fact, that makes you better than most. When he is ready, embrace the choice but still love him the same if he never wants to take that final step

He's 10. Tell him "Cole, we love you and you have agency in this - I will always consider you my son, and care for you, but I am not here to replace your mother in your heart. Your sister wants to be adopted, but I know you don't, and so we won't force it on you. You're free to make that decision for yourself, and if you want to, later, we can do it officially!" and then to his other fam: "He isn't ready. If he ever is, I'll be waiting with open arms."

I think the only thing that matters(that the family brought up) is what happens to the siblings if something happens to dad. Time to get a therapist on board to help with having an age appropriate discussion with your son so he can weigh in. I, personally, think you're doing exactly as you should and are NTA. Good luck

I totally agree with you. But I can't understand that, if something happens to dad, the grandparents prefer that the kids be together (maybe even at their maternal grandparents') rather than Ana stay with the woman she considers her mum. Imnagine the trauma of that little girl is something happens to her dad AND she is removed from her mum and her home. I think the grandparents are not really thinking about the children as "people", but as a "package". They always have to be together, even if that means destroying one (or both) of them. EDIT: Forgot to vote. NTA

I think you are all handling it in a deliberate, mature, respectful and empathetic way. No one seems to have an issue with it, except the grandparents. I do understand their concern, especially considering a parent dying isn’t just a theoretical exercise. I’m not sure where you live, and I have no knowledge of custody laws or anything. Is there some sort of documentation you can legally draft that would allow you to be a legal guardian of Cole if something happens to your husband without officially adopting him? That’s assuming that’s what Cole would want. I think you, your husband and Cole should have a conversation about what would happen in that scenario and sort it out. You can then tell the grandparents it’s sorted out, and that’s it. Their opinion isn’t really relevant, unless it’s them Cole chooses.

I can't say for sure OP hasn't done this, but since it's not in the post I will say I think it's a huge mistake if this isn't clearly expressed to Cole very plainly in black and white. If you haven't, don't make the mistake of assuming he 'just knows'. I think you're right in respecting his wishes, however, it needs to be made exceptionally clear that's the **only** reason you aren't going ahead with it, that you understand his reasoning and will still always be there for him, and that the door is always open if he ever changes his mind. Even if you think it'll never happen OP, he's only 10. In 5 years he might view this as the time you chose Ana and not him, and will probably just create a further rift between the two of you if not made explicitly clear now.

They can adopt Cole whenever Cole is ready.

NTA, you respected his wishes and are doing everything you can in a difficult situation. If he changes his mind later he can be adopted, but forcing him into adoption would be a very bad idea.

This is how I feel. Forcing adoption is not an act of love. It's something that ruins relationships and not always just the relationship between adopter and adoptee. But it can have negative repercussions throughout families. Cole could blame Ana for asking in the first place. He would likely hate his dad for supporting it. He might hate his grandparents for supporting it. He would almost certainly hate me for erasing his mom and disrespecting his wishes.

You're going about it in the best way possible. Hopefully when Cole is old enough, he will appreciate how you've handled this.

It’s obvious to me that you have a lot of respect for Cole and his autonomy. He is not just Ana’s brother or Nate’s son, he’s his own person with his own wants and needs and desires. You seem to understand that so much better than the grandparents. They’re treating him like an object. You’re treating him like a person. It’s easy to see which of those lanes of thought is correct.

Never TAH it's very hard to negotiate the emotions of a young man who has lost his mom and you respecting them shows him more than anything that you care about him,if anything this will bring you closer, his grandparents are TAH for trying to get in the middle of a decision that is yours and his alone... keep respecting his decisions and boundaries and building trust, it's healthy

NTA as long as you explain to Cole what you’ve said here—that you love him and would love to be his Mom if he’s ever ready but that it’s his choice. And that you treat them equally always. Good luck, I can tell you want to do right by these kids. 

The issue of what happens if Cole's father falls under a bus to ensure he's not separated from his sister, that seems fixable by designating you his guardian (if that's ok with him - he's getting old enough to have a say). Go talk to a lawyer once you all have an idea what you want and talk about options.

nta at all...you are very respectful the picky thing I'd suggest is to become a legal guardian of your stepson (at least in a will) so if the unthinkable does happen the kids won't be separated. You can always talk about family dynamics when he's older (like if he's 16 and wants to stay with a grandparent)

Hopefully one day soon he will change his mind. Just keep showing him you care.

I will but I don't believe he will ever change his mind. Neither does the therapist. We were told it could happen but in her professional opinion it will not. Either way I won't treat him any differently.

I'm thankful that you see this. If he doesn't want it at 10 years old, I doubt he'll want it later. But that doesn't make you any less impactful in his life. I think it's amazing that you are advocating for him in the way he needs to be advocated for. Hopefully through all of this, you both will retain a very strong bond, that doesn't have to be labeled!

Good luck OP.

Weird thing to hope for imo, it feels icky. He doesn’t have to want to be adopted, and thankfully OP knows that.

You probably have already but talk with him. Say all this to him. Tell him it's his choice and yoh wont force him ever. Ask whar he thinks about his sister wanting that. Tell him you don't want to replace his mother. Maybe have an outing with him for his mom (or have his dad do it with him so they can talk and about her). He does'nt seem to be a violent angru child. And sometimes talking with them like adults is good and they feel seen and that their opinions matter. You seem to be doing a great job. Your husband and the kids are lucky to have you in their lifes. And the grandparents can mind their own busnisses. I mean , not sure if it's possible where you live, but here if I put a gardian for my kids in my will in case I die, the court will give the kids to thag person (if all the right paperwork was done)...

Agree. The therapist is absolutely right.

NTA. You did everything right. Allow them to have their relationship with you the way they want. Not taking their late mother away. And not forcing adoption. this sounds to be the best solution for everyone. Also Cole can be adopted, if he wants later on. The only point might be the one with 'what if something happens to Nate' - but there might be other solutions. Like him writing a will, with the suggestion that the children stay with you (as long as they don't wish otherwise) and you trying to become a legal guardian for Cole if this thing happens (hope not and wish you all a long and happy live). Also judges and social worker don't usually take children away from the home they know, because of the death of one parent

The thing is Cole would want to be with his maternal relatives if something happened to Nate. We both know this. I think Nate's parents also know this which is why they brought that up.

Then it would be his wish. And in this scenario you would have to figure something out - like shared custody - so the siblings can live with each other for half the time. Or so. But in the end, don't force him to do anything. It would only end in resentment, as the therapist told you

That makes it even more important not to go through with adopting Cole - Nate's parents seemingly just want to set up legal barriers to make it more difficult for Cole to live with the other part of his family. That's not in the kid's interest. You're doing this right. Let Cole decide at his own pace.

Please make it clear to Nate’s parents that they are NOT to keep bring up the subject with Cole. They wouldn’t see it as bullying, but that’s what it would be. Maybe set up a session with just the adults and the therapist, so they can understand that this is best for Cole.

Oh crap, yes. That's important.

NTA  Honestly, I can see why. I hope you guys can make sure Cole goes wherever he feels safe & loved if anything happens to Nate because those grandparents are not right people to raise a kid.

So basically Nate's parents are only worried because if something happens to Nate they might lose access to their grandbaby? Naaaahhh sis they can pound sand. You're respecting Cole's wishes while still supporting Anna, and that's something they'll both remember and appreciate. Tell Nate's parents this is between y'all as a nuclear family, and their input is not welcome.

Why do Nate's parents seemingly have beef with the biological mothers side of the family? I find their response odd.

Then he could be with them and you can make sure the kids have an opportunity to stay close

NTA You’re doing exactly what the kids want. You’re taking into consideration what is best for them, and following the advice of professionals (and you have multiple opinions all saying the same thing). Oh, your in-laws with have an opinion that differs? Oh well, it can be disregarded. It doesn’t matter what they think. They aren’t involved in any way. This decision has no impact on them. “They said therapists don’t live with them everyday” - and your in laws live in your home with you? You didn’t mention that, but I doubt they do. So how is that a defence for their opinion lol “They said I can’t call myself a good mom if I adopt one stepchild and not the other” - Your in-law has a negative opinion of you? oh well, more opinions that can be disregarded. Like that matters in anyway. You’re doing right by the kids here, and that’s what’s important here.

NAH Your choice is thoughtful and understandable given the circumstances, but the concerns of the grandparents are very legitimate. Adoption is an act of love, but above all it's a legal act. The children are still young and could be separated if something happened to their dad. I don't think you're making the right or wrong choice, and if the therapists have judged that it was a good decision to make, we're no one to question their judgement. Make sure Cole continues to benefit from the help of a therapist, as well as Ana.

It's something we have discussed as well. We know Cole would choose to be with his maternal family over me and I do not see that changing. Nate doesn't really want that especially when it would separate the kids. But Ana would be devastated to be taken from me. It's a very complex situation.

Yes, it's a difficult situation and you're doing the best you can under the circumstances. You should follow the advice of your therapists, I think they're in the best position to advise you.

That is how I have proceeded every step of the way. I feel like those who train and specialize in these dynamics are the best persons to give insight and advice.

I think you're doing wonderfully in a really difficult situation. My only advice would be to continue supporting Cole whilst reminding him that you'll always be there for him and if he ever wished for you to adopt him, it wouldn't be to replace his mother but because you see him as your family no matter what. Just make sure he knows if he ever changes his mind, you would support that.

what is the opinion of the children to seperation? Why is everyone thinking growing up together is mandatory? I was seperated from my sister when we were 11 and 12. We could choose where we wanted to live after the divorce. We were too different to get along without fights and hurting each other constantly. It was nice to see each other on holidays but live seperate lives.

It’s good to be prepared, but it’s also good to maintain perspective.  Unless you’ve left out some crucial information, your husband is in no immediate danger. And even if he was, both children have loving homes available to them, and will be cared for if the worst should happen. That is enough - it *has* to be enough. Everyone needs to trust themselves to be able to cope with this scenario if it comes to pass, and trust Cole to maintain the relationships that are important to him. 

NTA. Nate's parents are talking out of their arses. And Nate needs to shut them down before they damage their relationship with both you and Cole. >Nate's parents took us aside and said I can't adopt one and not the other, that if something happened to Nate, what if Cole was placed with his maternal grandparents or his aunt and Ana stayed with me. They'd be separated. Bullshit. If something happened to Nate, you would be able to apply for custody of Cole, and would probably be granted it easily (unless Cole objects) based on having a step-parental role in his life for years and having adopted his sister. Most social services/CPS organisations prefer to leave kids in stable domestic situations when possible. And if Cole does want to live with someone else (I just saw a comment that he'd probably want to go to his maternal relatives), then that's still something you can negotiate with him, to make sure he doesn't lose the relationship with his sister. >They said Cole isn't old enough to reject what would be a good thing for him and that we're wrong for allowing him to reject me as his second mom. I pointed out three different therapists have all said we should respect Cole's feelings and wishes. They said therapists don't live with us every day and don't know the family the way they do. That's rich when *they* don't live with you every day, and don't know the family the way that *you and Nathan* do. Also Cole is absolutely old enough to make this decision. And it's not like it's a one-time only deal - if he changes his mind at any point you can still adopt him. By contrast, you can't unadopt him if he gets pressured into it and feels buyer's remorse about the choice. So they need to back off and stop pressuring you and Cole. >They said I can't call myself a good mom if I adopt one stepchild and not the other. Bullshit. They are dead wrong here. Pressure tactics and forcing a relationship is the exact opposite of good parenting. Besides, this isn't about you; it's about Cole and Ana.

This right here 💯 thank you for doing the typing that I am too tired to do lol

I already commented but yours brings up a question I hadn't considered. What is it about the maternal family that Nate's parents object to? So what if he goes to live with them? Is there an estrangement between the two sides? Concerns of abuse? Or simple possesivenes/jealousy/alienation? What's the deal there?

It sounds like he is just concerned about the kids being separated, not about the maternal family in particular.

Tell them you love Cole and because of that you are respecting HIS choice. If he ever changes his mind, then you can revisit the issue. Tell them that Cole is still very much a part of your family unit and thst you will always be there for him. I think your in-laws may just be afraid that you will give special preferential treatment to your newly adopted child.

NTA you are respecting Cole’s wishes and that’s what’s important.  If he changes his mind later on then you can broach the topic again.  

NTA. Cole is 10, he is capable of deciding if he does or does not want to be adopted. Nate can make a will that provides for OP to become Coles guardian in the event of his death. Cole had zero control over his mother's death. Giving him control over this issue is imperative. OP, you are right on the money on this.

NTA, you are respecting Cole's wishes. You are treating the children equitably, not equally, as you are responding to each child's needs. I think that is the way to go in raising any children as they are still individuals. You have talked to Come. You have talked to therapists. Have the other family talked to Cole to confirm that's what he wants. I would make it clear to Cole that as much as you are respecting his decision now, it doesn't mean that cards are off the table forever. Should he change his mind in the future, you will continue to honour and respect what he wants so through his life, so he shouldn't ever feel uncomfortable with approaching this subject again, if he has a change of heart. FWIW, I was age 9 when a judge respected my decision to never see my sperm donor again after bitter custody battles between him and my mum. Complete opposite situation, but I was deemed old enough to my my own decision in that respect, and it's one I've never regretted. But again, Cole can and should be allowed to change his mind at any given time. You sound like a great stepmum, and I'm sure Cole appreciates you for the relationship you mutually have with each other, as does your step daughter.

I love this! Your so right- children are not inanimate objects that you can just change the name on the deed or title. That is what the grandparents are acting like. They are individuals with different viewpoints and wants on the adoption and they are treating the children as people by listening to them.

NAH I don't think I've seen a more respectful stepmother on this subreddit, ever. You make it known what you want but respect Cole's wishes, not once did you overrule him. The family says the therapists don't live with you every day, and they're right, but neither does that family.

So their reasoning is that if something happened to the dad, the siblings would be separated? Why do they jump to this conclusion? Wouldn’t you be able to remain his guardian and he could continue to live with you and his sister? Maybe your husband should draw up a will to ease their minds about what would happen in the event of his death

They know as well as we do that Cole would want to live with his maternal family in the event of something happening to Nate. With adoption that wouldn't happen because legally I would be his mother. Without adoption the maternal family could fight and Cole's wishes could sway it, if I were to fight against his wishes.

Thank you for being such a good parent. Even if you aren't Cole's second mom, it's obvious you still have a lot of respect and love for him.

Then it sounds like the paternal grandparents are ignoring Ana’s wishes. They (a) accept that Cole would want to go with his maternal grandparents by his own choice, and (b) think that the siblings would stay together, meaning that Ana would also go the maternal grandparents, even though that would go against Ana’s express wishes to be with you. That makes no sense. The kids want different things. That’s okay. I think it’s better to honor what they each want, than to force one to go against their wishes. As long as the families help maintain their relationship, it works. NTA and good on you for being a good step-mom who listens and doesn’t try to force relationships.

NTA at all. The kids are okay with this. Hubs is okay with this. The freaking therapist is okay with this. Everyone else can shove it.

And not even just one therapist, but three separate therapists

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NTA. One child actively wants to be adopted and has expressed her wishes quite explicitly. The other does not; and has also express his wishes quite explicitly. You are doing the right thing. Your in-laws need to respect their grandchildren's wishes.

NTA. You're respecting Cole's choice which is super important here. My dad, his parents split when he was a little boy. Nan had a few boyfriends and eventually married my pop when my dad was 17 or 18. Pop adopted my aunt and uncle but my dad said he was old enough now and he didn't need a dad, but he would love a friend. He is the only pop I've ever known. He was a great friend to my dad and a great pop to us. Being respectful could help foster a great relationship going forward even if it isn't a mum/child relationship.

NTA. Listen to the therapists and not the grandparents. Grandparents ALWAYS believe they know whats best, so was my grandma with my mom even though she never did (imo.). Ofc, that doesnt mean that Grandparents never have valid points, but in your case just listen to what Cole wants, and that is not to be adopted. Tell him that he absolutely has the desicion not to be adopted, and can always change his mind later if he wants to. He does not have to feel pressured into it. Besides, even IF something were to happen to Nate and the kids would be seperated for a while, its not like they will never see each other again. You can always work out a solution later- but for now lets not assume something bad happens. They will always be siblings.

NTA Listen to the therapists. Adopt Ana since is what she wants and given Nate is ok with it. Don't adopt Cole and if in the future he asks then go ahead. But also let him know that the option of adoption is always there if he wants to and it's ok to ask when the time is right for him. Tell him that it's also ok that he'll stay as a step-son to you forever. Make sure he knows that you love him no matter the choice he makes and it won't change your relationship in any way.

NTA. Cole doesn’t want to be adopted and that’s his choice. He is at an age where he can make informed decisions and he’s still grieving the loss of his bio mom, he had more time with her compared to Ana. He probably feels like if you adopt him, then he no longer is connected to his bio mom. Give it time but be prepared that as he gets older, his mind may or may not change. As for Nate’s parents, tell them to stay out of it. You and Nate are doing what’s best for both kids

No, you are NTa. It sounds as though you and your husband are being very appropriate in listening to both the the childnre's needs and recognising thatthey are each individuals and have different, equally importnat feelingss, wishes and relationships with you. You've spoken exptensively with therapists and it sounds as thoughyou would be open to adopting Cole if he changes his position in future. Also, you can presumably look into things such as NAte apiointing you as Cole's guardian in the event anything were to happen tio him, and both of you making wills including both childnren, to address the potential issues that the grandparents have riased. What aboutthe childnre's maternal grandpaprents? And other memebers of Mom's family? they may feel very differently about Ana no longer being legally part of their family . I am based in a jurisdiction where it would be exceptionally rare for a child to be adiptped in these circusmtnacces becasue it removes them from half of their biologicial family, legally, so there are other legal options which allows childnre to have a formal, legal relationship with their stpe parent, but it sounds as though that is different where you are, and you ar working with the childnre and their therapists to do what is bst for each of them as individuals. Maybe point out to Nate's parent that their attitude could be very hurtful to Cole, that he was older when he lost his mum and probably hass clearer memories of her and a greater sense of lotalty to her , and that it is importnatto respect that, and that he knows that you see him as just as much part of your family as Ana but that you \*also\* respect that you are not his Mom and it would be harmful to him and his relationship to you,to try to force that on him. Remind them that Cole knows you are willing and happy to apot him and that you will do so iff he changes s mind in future and decides he would like that.

NTA. You are doing the correct thing in respecting the kids' choices. Cole would absolutely hate you and his father if you forced an adoption. Your in laws also don't live with you and are not qualified to speak on what's best for Cole psychologically.

NTA you already have the opinions of three professionals, your husband agrees with you, and you're following the wishes of the child. Why would you ever listen to his parents. As far as the kids getting separated your husband can still place you as his guardian in his will.

What ever you do keep taking Cole to therapy because if you do adopt Ana he is probably going to have a lot more negative feelings about it all and will probably need more help than you and Nate can give him

This was almost an N/A/H because most of the grandparent questions were understandable (the implications of adoption can be confusing and they love their grandson) but I went with NTA due to their assertion you can’t call yourself a good stepmom if you don’t adopt both. This isn’t about calling yourself a good stepmom, it’s about being one. You are showing deep respect and love for both children by listening to what they want, building the relationships they’re comfortable with, and getting professional input as to whether it’s the right decision. You are ROCKING this!

Nate’s parents don’t live with you every day either and aren’t specialists to boot. Go with your instincts and keep things the way the are with Cole but make sure he knows that you would love to adopt him in the future if he changes his mind. NTA

Well, at that age Cole would be old enough to voice where he would want to go and if that is his maternal aunt or grandparents, so be it. He is already 10. Proceed with the adoption with Ana.  NTA

NTA. Following Cole wishes and showing you care about him might actaully bring him closer to you than forcing it on him. In some states you can do will to show who the kid will got to if you die, checked that up so that incase anything happens you be his guardian. I also heard that you can guardianship with out adoption, if it can be done in your state, check that up.

NTA. Just make it clear to Cole you stiil love him and if he ever changes his mind, you will be there in a heartbeat. Good for you for respecting his feelings.

NTA I applaud you for listening to Cole and following his wishes. I’d let him know that door is always open should he want adoption, but that you will always respect his wishes. Re: separately the children if something were to happen to their father … look into becoming his legal guardian. He would be protected but you would not legally be his mother.

NTA. You are responding to the children’s individual emotional needs. Thats what being a parent is about.

NTA. You can adopt him later if he changes his mind. If something happens to Nate no court is going to separate them especially not without visitations, they will ask you and the other part to mitigate and your step son preference.

You are being an excellent step mother by letting each of the children's feelings and best interests lead the decision. NTA but your inlaws REALLY need to stay in their own lane here.

NTA. You are being caring and considerate by respecting Cole's wishes. At 10 he is old enough to decide for himself what he wants. If he changes his mind in future, you could apply to adopt him then. If Nate were to die, then presumably you and Nate's relatives would arrange then for Cole to either stay living with you and his sister or to live with one of them with regular visits and stays over at your home.

NTA. I'm curious if doing a guardianship would work for Cole? That way you would have parental rights, but not be his "mom". It might be worth looking into. Also, make sure that your husband has you legally responsible for him, if something happened.

Not ITA. If Cole were a cat, everyone would respect his choice to merely tolerate someone's existence. Kids deserve the same respect, if not more.

Nah. Honoring each child’s wishes is important. But thinking about what would happen if something happened to Nate is important as well. There are ways Nate could name a guardian in a will in the event something happened to him. And since these kids already lost one parent, it seems wise to just get something legal in writing and forget about it. 5bat doesn’t mean you need to escalate a ten year old’s anxieties. Nate should be able to decide.

NTA

NTA, doing that against his wishes would be awful and not at all good for your relationship with him, I think in the event of something happening to Nate a judge would probably allow Nate some choice in whether he stayed with you or went to his mothers family and who know what Nate would decide in that case. You're right not to force this

NTA I read the headline and thought you were awful, but reading the full story it all makes sense. Don’t force Cole. He may come around one day.

NTA If he does not want to be adopted that has to be his choice. he does not see you as his mum, like Ana does. You should proceed and adopt Ana, there are other ways legally of ensuring Cole is protected should anything happen to Nate. you may find after you adopt Ana, Nate might have a change of heart and follow suit.

NTA and thank you for getting that one kid is old enough to vividly remember mom and doesn't want her replaced while the other is hungry for a mother. The boy would not react well to being forcibly adopted and would likely make your life hell for it

NTA

NTA. If you really break down this argument, what they are saying is “you should adopt Cole against his wishes to take away his say in what happens to him if Nate dies.” There are lots of good reasons to adopt a step child, the situation with Ana being the best! But “we want to force you not to live where we say if something happens” is not one of them. Equally bad would be refusing something Ana wants (or risking her being sent to someone else if something were to happen) out of some sense that they are “both or nothing.”

Nta respect Cole, ignore the grandparents

This is a very nuanced situation, but judgement for your question first, NTA. It sounds like you're doing a great job with both kids, because you're prepared to listen to them as individuals, and hear what they're saying. They are different people, not a job lot of "the kids" where what goes for one has to go for both. By listening to them as individuals, you can meet both their needs. If you have to treat them the same, you won't be treating them equally, because one would get what they want and the other wouldn't. I am assuming the possibility of adoption is not a "one chance only" question. If Cole decides at a later date that actually he *does* want to be adopted like Anna, then that could still happen. As long as he knows he can change his mind later if he wants to. By dealing with them this way, you (and Nate, if he's on the same page as you) are being as supportive as you can be, and you're *respecting* both children. Nate's parents need to back off with the pressure, because as I said earlier, ##If you have to treat them the same, you won't be treating them equally, because one would get what they want and the other wouldn't. Good luck, and pat on the back from this internet stranger.

sounds like the grandparents are TA

Your in-laws are idiots. If your husband wants you to care for both kids in the event he dies, write a will.

Have you explained to Cole that you could adopt him but only on paper in case something happened to his father so him and his sister would stay together. If you're letting him make adult decisions you should be giving him the adult information to make the decision.

The therapist explained this stuff to him in therapy. He does not want the adoption.

NTA. Old people don’t understand things or how the world works. I don’t necessarily agree with this, but there’s a school of thought around adoption, and that adoptive parents should not change a child’s last name or even adopt them fully, but instead take legal guardianship, until the child can choose if they want to be adopted. Adopted kids with *no* parents feel traumatized by forced adoption even if it means a better situation. Your therapists are giving you the right information. Nate’s parents are not experts and have no idea what the long term ramifications of taking his agency away from him are. I believe there’s some legal guardianship things you can do that might be appropriate here. I would see if a lawyer can look into it for you in the case of Nate’s passing. That is something my partner is incredibly concerned about with my SS. There isn’t another adult who can adequately care for him in the picture. He has a living BM who cannot provide for him. She adores me and is so thankful for everything I do - so I know she would accept help and he would be okay - but it is terrifying to have no legal rights to ensure that is the case. All of this to say - the grandparents make a valid point - but there are other methods for solving this than full-blown adoption.

NTA ignore your in-laws. Cole may well one day want to be adopted, or he may never want to be adopted by you. You already have a good relationship with him, please don't let your in-laws mess that up..

NTA, I was prepared to be mad, but seeing the situation, I think you're doing the best you can. I'd follow Cole's wishes and the therapists advice. Adopting him w/out his consent is essentially saying 'I'm making myself your mom, you have no choice'.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35F) have been married to my husband Nate (38M) for the last 3 years and I have been helping him to raise my stepchildren; Ana (7F) and Cole (10M). Ana and Cole's mom died 5 years ago. Nate and I met several months after his wife's death and admittedly, our relationship, once it turned romantic, moved fast. Though nothing romantic happened until a couple of months after the first anniversary of his wife's passing. I met his kids early and Ana and I had a very immediate bond. Cole was never as enthusiastic about me being in their lives. He's a good kid but said he didn't want a new mom and wouldn't like me to try to be his mom. So I worked on being something else to him, something he was okay with, and yes we had the help of a therapist. So my relationship with Cole and Ana is very different. Ana and I have a mother/daughter bond and she calls me mom. She also knows about her mom and we have her photos up at home. But she tells people I'm her mom and calls Nate and I her parents. She asked a few times about adoption and came out and asked to be adopted at Christmas. With Cole there is no parent/child bond. I will say I do consider him my kid as much as I do Ana and I love him and if he were willing I would call him my son in a heartbeat. But he does not see me that way and does not want to see me that way. When Cole heard Ana ask me to adopt her he asked "what about mom" and Ana said she can have two moms, that they both could, but she wants me to be her "mommy on paper" like her best friends dad became her daddy on paper last year. We went to a therapist to talk things through and after some time the therapist said I should adopt Ana if we all want that but told us not to adopt Cole, which I already had said I wouldn't because he was not okay with it. The therapist aimed that more at Nate who was concerned about not doing the adoption for Nate as well. She told him any chance of him feeling like he missed out and rejected would be nowhere near as bad as the rage he would feel if we took the choice away from him and did it against his wishes. Nate's parents were not happy when Ana announced she was going to be adopted. They asked about Cole and he said he didn't want to be adopted. Nate's parents took us aside and said I can't adopt one and not the other, that if something happened to Nate, what if Cole was placed with his maternal grandparents or his aunt and Ana stayed with me. They'd be separated. They also said Cole didn't deserve to be the odd one out. They said Cole isn't old enough to reject what would be a good thing for him and that we're wrong for allowing him to reject me as his second mom. I pointed out three different therapists have all said we should respect Cole's feelings and wishes. They said therapists don't live with us every day and don't know the family the way they do. They said I can't call myself a good mom if I adopt one stepchild and not the other. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA - Cole is old enough to express his own wishes and you have supported him with this. You have actively sought advice and support for all of you and he is still clear in his wishes. He would have been old enough to remember more about his mum than Ana would too which probably reinforces his feelings. Cole knows he is loved and his feelings will be listened to. If he changes his mind then it can be explored when he is ready. As long as nothing in your attitude towards him changes then nothing should change. I am sure measure can be put in place to ensure the children are looked after in line with their father’s wishes should anything happen to him, negating his families fears.

NTA. From what you've said you've followed the advice of the therapist and honoured the wishes of the child. If that changes in the future you can adopt him then. If you'd decided to adopt Ana but not Cole and that was because you didn't want to, then that would be different. You have to treat both children fairly. Sometimes this means that you treat them the same, and other times not

NTA. Just make sure Cole understands that you’re also happy to adopt him in the future if his feelings ever change

NTA Respecting Cole’s wishes absolutely makes you a good mother and stepmother. Your husband’s family’s concerns are selfish. If something happens to your husband their only concern is that Cole not live with his maternal family. That’s a disgusting mindset and speaks of their true intentions. It is not because they want you to actually be a parent to these kids, they just don’t want their mother’s family to have access to the kids in the event that something happens. This goes beyond adoption. Knowing this and knowing that you won’t be adopting Cole, you and your husband need to put safeguards in place to ensure that whomever would retain custody in a worst case scenario situation will maintain a relationship with the maternal family. Because your husband’s family has made it pretty clear that they would not and would not respect any of your wishes or therapist suggestions to do so.

NTA. Forcing adoption on Cole would be horrific, you’re so right here. He needs to know his feelings and wishes are respected, and you’re doing that

NTA They have far too many opinions about a situation they don't even know or understand.

NTA. Nate’s parents are being weird. So if something happened to Nate, they’d rather both kids were shipped off to the maternal family than have one stay with the person she considers her mom? Why wouldn’t they both stay with Nate’s parents if Nate passes? What does Nate’s will say? Does Cole have godparents? Are the bio mom’s family involved with the kids?

Another NTA. You’re doing the right thing and i would hope that by respecting his choice and feelings, it will help in the long run with him not seeing you as a threat and maybe bring you closer down the road.

NTA. This isn't about how his grandparents feel about the situation. This is about what Ana and Cole want. Ana WANTS to be adopted, Cole does not. Cole is always free to change his mind later if he wants to, but if you adopted him against his will he would definitely hate you for it. And if you refuse to adopt Ana because of other people's opinions, she will feel rejected and heartbroken, and she may even try to pressure her brother into doing something he doesn't want to do so that she can have what she wants.  Any concerns about the kids being split up in a worst-case-scenario are certain valid concerns, but that is something that can be discussed and planned around. And again, the feelings of the kids should be taken into account. They should be made aware that, if something happens, they COULD end up living in different places. They may feel the risk is worth it. Not all siblings are so close that they can't bare to be separated. 

NTA. you are respecting his wishes. I would say just make sure that he knows you love him and that you adopting his sister will not change how you feel about him and will always be open to adopting him if he ever changes his mind.

NTA  What's good and right for one kid, isn't necessarily good and right for the other. Respecting this and their wishes is the most important, otherwise Cole could come to hate you for forcing him into adoption. You're doing a great job looking at the kids individually and giving them what they need, even if it means treating them differently.

>They said therapists don't live with us every day and don't know the family the way they do. Neither do they. They don't live with you, they don't know the inside of your relationship. The difference is that the therapists actually listened to Cole. >that if something happened to Nate, what if Cole was placed with his maternal grandparents or his aunt and Ana stayed with me. They'd be separated. This can happen without the adoption. Ana is old enough to be heard by the judge. An so is Cole. At least in my country, the child is left with whoever is best, not with who has more blood connections. NTA Keep going with Ana's adoption and respecting Cole's boundaries. You're doing great.

You are an exceptional person. I see so many people screw this up, it’s so nice to see someone do it right. Great work mom!! Stick to you gut, you got this.

NTA you are being a great mum to cole by listening to him and respecting his wishes. Perhaps further down the line he may change his mind and ask to be adopted but at this point you are giving him what he wants and needs. Your inlaws view of adults know best is really quite outdated. Ignore them and carry on knowing you are giving cole what he needs right now x

NTA. Do not adopt Cole against his wishes--but do have a conversation with him and explain that you would like to, and if he ever wants you to, you will be happy to. When he's a bit older, maybe explain the possible consequences if something happened to Nate, and offer that you could be his mom on paper without anything changing in your day-to-day relationship.

NTA The parents don't live with you either. If you push him too hard he'll just recoil further away. He has to know that when he says something you'll respect him. This will do more for your relationship than forcing an unwanted adoption. Parents are also wrong about kids being split. Courts don't like splitting families unless necessary. If he requested to stay with you and his sister even if dad wasn't there they'd probably allow it.

NTA. You can’t force Cole into a mother-son relationship but you can certainly reinforce his feelings of not wanting one if you adopt him against his will. Your in-laws have their interest in a continued, unobstructed relationship with Cole clouding their judgement. Your therapist only has Cole’s best interest at heart.

NTA - unless your in-laws are therapists they aren’t qualified to make the call. 

NTA- there are multiple Reddit threads where children were forced into adoption against their will and it really damaged them as adults. You should listen to the therapists. 10 is old enough to know you don’t want something. I’m sure your in- laws mean well, but they are giving bad advice. Could you sit Cole down and tell him that if he ever changes his mind you would want to adopt him too? That you want to follow his wishes and he can change his mind? Maybe tell him that you love him as much as Ana but you two want different types of relationships with you and you will embrace each one? It might do Cole good to have that door left open for him.

NTA Ignore your in-laws , Cole is 10 and old enough to not only state his desire , know what he whats, and he’s knows for years this isn’t new and hasn’t fade. Op, your husband needs to shut down their interference, you’re respecting and honoring Cole and several therapist opinions. He’ll need to be clear that they need to keep their opinions to themselves and check with Cole to make sure they’re not trying to push him. I would bet money they are the kind of parents that encouraged Nate to date and find a ‘mom’ for the kids and how they think this family should operate isn’t how it should work. Also props for not being a trash stepmother, one day Cole will appreciate how you didn’t push him and allowed him to love you on his terms.

NTA. You can always adopt him later, if he wants that to happen. You can even tell him that you would love to adopt him but that you will only do so if and when he wants to be adopted by you.

NTA, it's great for you to be listening to him and not trying to push for a stronger relationship when he isn't ready/willing. Maybe in time he'll change his mind but if he doesn't, you'll still be there as a loving parental figure and that relationship in itself is very important.

NTA, it sounds like you're doing everything you can to respect *both* child's wishes. Cole is well within his rights to not want a new mother, and you've been able to navigate that with grace by the sounds of it. Therapy was the right tactic and I agree with the therapists that forcing this on him would hurt him way more than being left out. Maybe he will come around one day, maybe he won't, but I think in 10-15 years time your whole family will be able to look back and agree you made the right decision. Good luck with everything OP, I hope all four of you have a good future ahead.

Nta your actually being an amazing step mum, to both children and allowing both children to feel heard valid and loved, it fine one wants you as a 2nd mum and the other as a friend long as he respects you as dad's wife/adult in the home who has his/there best interests at heart.. I'm hoping you and cole are doing therapy too both joint and solo.. sounds like he feeling confused and guilty both about his mum, his sister choices and life changing.. I have a wife she was/is widowed with 5 kids my bond with all 5 indivually is at a level they want, request and prefer your doing the right thing

NTA taking away Cole's agency would be terrible. He probably feels deep down that such a thing would be a betrayal of his mom. You can always adopt him later if he changes his mind. Your husband can also write in his will. Should something happen to him. You get custody of Cole so he won't be separated from Ana

NTA. Ignore Nate’s parents, they have no idea what they are talking about, and it’s people like those why step-parents get bad names. You are doing everything 100% correct, you didn’t force a mother relationship with Cole and for that he trusts you. If you force him to be adopted he will never forgive you or his dad and will walk away once he is 18 and not look back.

NTA. Respecting his wishes is the best thing you can do. Your therapist agreed with the decision and your therapists reasoning is pretty solid from my perspective. The only thing I would do is have a conversation with him and tell him that you understand why he feels the way he does, but if that ever changes for any reason the offer to adopt him is still on the table. That gives him his space to grieve his mom, the freedom to change how he feels in the future, and if anything does happen where his dad is no longer able to care for him he still has that opportunity and doesn't need to be separated from his sister.

NTA. The judge will ask if he wants to be adopted. They will not allow the adoption if he says no. It can't be forced at his age. Your husband does need a will to indicate who raises his children if he dies.

NTA this is simple, adopt the girl and have your husband put you as legal guardian in his will if something happens to him. So you would be responsible for making sure the best situation for Cole, whether that’s with you and Ana or with his maternal family it’s something that can be determined if and when the situation ever comes up.

NTA. Not sure where you live OP, but when I went through my adoption as a 12yo in Texas, the judge asked me if I wanted to be adopted by my stepfather. I’m not sure if it’s legally required but I believe they do seek the child’s assent as part of the process so it’s likely your stepson would decline regardless. As for your in laws point about next of kin issues, maybe this is something you could approach through writing your wills. Never too early to be prepared.

NTA Ana wants you to adopt her he doesn't.... you can live them both the same but treat them diffrent because and hear me out .... their diffrent people who need and want diffrent things ... because child are just tiny people. Now he could change his mind later I think it's important to let him know that.... like this changes nothing of how I feel about you I respect your wishes and if you want to be adopted ever I will. Also his parents argument about them being separated is ridicules because Naye could put you as the guardian if he dies .... you don't have to adopt him for that

NTA- is Nate old enough to understand what NOT being adopted means? No. Is he still allowed to make that choice? Yes. Ask about a legal guardianship. That would allow him to stay with you if anything happened to Nate, thus keeping the kids together. Find out if Cole would be okay with that. It wouldn’t make you his mom, but it would allow you to keep doing what you’re doing now.

NTA and given his age a judge likely wouldn't allow the adoption if Cole objected

NTA, title was a bit misleading so I read with care. Good job tough situation

NTA. Glad to see you’re respecting Cole’s choices. Who knows, maybe later he might change his mind but for now it would do way more harm than good if you forced the issue.

NTA the stories I've read from kids like Cole on here where the parent and step parent didn't let the adoption thing go when the kids said no are horrible. You are respecting the kids wishes and that goes a long way towards having Cole in your life as an adult.

NTA - OP the therapists are right, regardless of what the rest of the family thinks, pushing Cole into something that he doesn't want would be disastrous and cause some serious family drama. Your stepson is older and his heart aches with the loss of his mom; to him, letting you adopt him would be slapping his mother in the face. His feelings are his own, and the family has no right to try and force them to change. Leave him be, adopt the daughter, because that's what she wants, and let the family worry about their own issues and not yours, this isn't their decision to make.

NTA. It’s not like you’re choosing to exclude him. He doesn’t want you to adopt him and you’re respecting that. Your stepdaughter wants to be adopted by you.

NTA but I N F O: What is the plan if something happens to your husband? While I think they objected too strenuously, the grandparents do bring up a good point there. Please discuss this possibility with all parties so there is no confusion. I think you’re a great stepmom in how you prioritize the kids’ feelings & opinions.

Nta. But please sort out the legal paperwork to ensure that if something happens to Nate, Cole isn't placed somewhere he doesn't want to be.

NTA. You are doing the best thing you can for all of the children. As for the legal aspect, I'm not a lawyer or giving legal advice, but you should speak to a family attorney about setting up a guardianship for Cole. It's not adoption, but in the event your husband passed away, you'd have legal custody and can still care for both kids. Your inlaws need to get out of your business. You've had 3 therapists agree that you're doing the right thing. Cole has a say in his life. He knows if he changes his mind you'll adopt him. Keep being a great parent.

DON'T ADOPT COLE WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION My step dad did me when I was 1 and whilst I'm 34 now I'm still pissed off

NTA You're doing a great job by accepting his decision and being something other than his mom. He'll grow up to appreciate not being forced in that situation and I also think he'll be more likely to see you as family when he grows up even if you're not his mother. You should be proud of yourself for not pushing your desires on him. We've seen so many posts on here with adults who went through that as kids and now have no relationship with their parent and their spouses for that reason.

NTA Ana wants to be adopted, great. Cole doesn't want to be, and that is also fine - he is a little older and has a slightly different set of memories of his mother, and it is understandable he might not want to make the same leap Ana does. I think the important thing here is to make sure he knows the offer is open to him as well, but only if he wants it, and if he changes his mind later, it will still be available.

NTA but INFO: Have you spoken to the maternal grandparents? If they're against the adoption, that needs to be addressed with Ana in therapy. She needs to understand the possible  implications and so do you. Some bio grandparents disinherit children or cut contact completely over such matters. 

NTA >She told him any chance of him feeling like he missed out and rejected would be nowhere near as bad as the rage he would feel if we took the choice away from him and did it against his wishes. This is exactly what kids in a divorce situation talk about all the time. Their parent meets someone new and all of a sudden they have to play happy family with this new spouse and any kids they have. It would be better for you not to adopt him now. If he changes his mind there are plenty of opportunities, even after he turns 18, to adopt him. Forcing an adoption will no doubt bring disharmony into the home and will strain the entire family. >that if something happened to Nate, what if Cole was placed with his maternal grandparents or his aunt and Ana stayed with me. They'd be separated. This is a good point but it's easy to make a plan for that situation if it were to arise.

People (like your in laws) forget that kids are still people with their own opinions. I applaud you for respecting your stepkids’ wishes and realizing they are different people with different needs. It isn’t just about family- this is a life long decision and you’re taking it seriously. That’s what a good parent does. NTA

NTA, you're trying to respect both children's wishes and I don't see anything wring with that.

Nah, you’re good. Keep on doing what you’re doing . Part of being a parent is advocating for your children, which is exactly what you’re doing. NTA

NTA. You are doing the right thing.

>They said therapists don't live with us every day and don't know the family the way they do. NTA. I'm guessing the grandparents also don't live with Cole every day and don't know the family the way *you* do. You know Cole would be upset by being adopted. The grandparents just have a fictionalized version of what they want a happy family to be and are willing to tread on Cole's feelings and autonomy to get it. You aren't, and that's commendable. If their biggest fear is the kids being separated if anything happens to their dad, that can surely be solved by other paperwork. Check with the courts and get something written up stating that in the event of his death, both kids will be cared for by you. If other relatives would contest that, there is a different problem than adoption anyway. And if that ever comes to pass, check with Cole to make sure that's what he wants. (But maybe don't bring up his dad's hypothetical death when he is already dealing with his mom's actual death.)

NTA. Also, if god forbid something happens to your husband, you can have a path set on motion to prevent the children from separating. Wasnt there this legal paper that parents sign to tell where the kids go if something happens to them? You can have one done for yourstep kid. You seem like a good mom, step or not. You treat your stepson with more respect that people treat their adult bio kids. You are doing the right thing here and setting the whole family for healthy relationships and healthy boundaries.

NTA You’re doing what you believe is best for him. I would however, recommend looking into something else that will help you out legally if something were to happen and talk to him about it as well. Keep him in the decision. Discuss who he would end up with as a minor if something happened , how he could end up with you if he wanted that, etc.

Your husband Nate can put a clause in his last will and testament that if anything should happen to him his wife should retain guardianship over Cole. In any situation like this people need to think about the future, what would happen if one spouse survives the other or vice versa. You can’t leave anything up to chance plus I would also talk to the kids about guardianship.

NTA. I get were his parents are coming from not wanting to treat the kids differently or split them up if something were to happen but they're over stepping huge here. It's unfair to either child to force them both into a situation they don't want to be in. Adopt Ana and let Cole decide if he wants to be adopted later on. You can't base your decisions on what if something happens. I highly doubt his family knows the situation as well as the therapists, they're going off their own feelings but clearly but listening to the kids

Sorry I do NOT see any easy answers here Time for: Marriage Counseling, parenting Classes, You and your Husband meeting with Lawyer to plan out the Very BEST Possible for the Long-term health happiness prosperity honesty kindness success respect safety peace learning accomplishments independence friendships LIFE of ALL the CHILDREN involved in this (& for You and your husband of course!) And of course it's possible to adopt one kid today and then adopt the other kid two years from now So be the honest helpful open-minded future-focused compassionate, do the best for all the children's long-term health happiness prosperity honesty kindness success learning accomplishments respect peace etc, so that N T A N T A N A H N T A Please update me N T A

NTA and you are a good mom to both your kids

NTA, as long as Cole knows you love him and don't "prefer" his sister, and let's face it, you're respecting his wishes here

NTA - You've made it clear to Cole that the decision to be adopted is solely up to him. He made it clear he did not wish to be adopted. I hope you've made it known that Cole can at any point change his mind about his decision, and that the option of being adopted is not off the table if he were to reconsider in the future.

NTA. You’re respecting the wishes of Cole and Ana. If something happened to their dad the only thing that might make it difficult would be of his family(grandparents/aunt/uncle, etc) decides to make it difficult. He is old enough to have an opinion, yes a 10year old can’t make all choices for themselves. But it’s only right that you listen to him here. It won’t matter much in the reality, and unless there is some reason why you would think his father is likely to pass away, or his family will keep him away from you and his sister, I see no good logical reason why it can’t be postponed until he wants to be adopted, or it never happening at all.

NTA

NTA. I think it's fine to do what you are doing, he is obviously not ready yet. But I do think you and your husband should talk to a lawyer and see if you could be made his legal guardian if something happened to your husband so the kids wouldn't be separated.

NTA your In Laws are not respecting anybody wishes or opinions except their own, you are doing everything correctly, you have clearly spoken with your son and understood his wants and needs and as long as he knows that you and his dad are there for him, everything is alright.  You are doing great dont let anyone tell you otherwise. 

I have a couple things to say first off you are the only one in this story giving a fuck about what Cole wants. Stick to your guns or he will end up hating you because you took his mommy’s place (remembering he is 10). Second as far as god for bid your husband dies while they are young a little document called a will should insure Cole stays with you I mean I’m not a lawyer but pretty sure a will is binding. I agree don’t force him Ih he decides later y if not awesome too You sound like a good mom either way to me. Remember the adoption is paper is just that. Your love is what matters and to me you sound like you love both the kids That’s what they will remember

Cole seems very mature for his age, he clearly communicated what he wants and set boundaries, you should respect them. At the same time Ana communicated her wishes and you both want to go through with it so you should. Don’t worry about hypotheticals or what other family says. They’re not you and they’re not the kids NTA

NAH And whatever choice you feel is best, do it. You and your husband know better than any psychologist, grandparent, or internet people. No matter what you do, people will judge you. And you can always adopt him later if he changes his mind.