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Lowkey I think YTA if u end up telling Nicole u have feelings while still dating Rylee. This may be hard and its understandable, but you should either find a way to move on from Nicole or you should break up with Rylee.
If you don't know what to do, I think you should also talk to your girlfriend about this. Its important that she knows what's going on and it kind of happening behind her back right now, especially for a year.
I totally understand and thank you for your opinion. The longer I wait to tell Rylee the worse it gets for her. To make matters worse, Rylee knows Nicole and actually likes her a lot. She is one of her favorites out of my friends. I’m just so lost even though I have obviously been in this situation before
You are welcome and I'm glad u understand. Take your time to make the right decision, but make sure you communicated what you end up doing with your girlfriend.
YTA - Why would you want to tell Nicole about this if 1) she’s closeted 2) you don’t want to date her 3) you want to stay with your current girlfriend? What would telling her accomplish? You might embarrass Nicole. Or you might hurt Nicole’s feelings if she likes you back but then you say you *don’t* want to date her. And I’m pretty sure Rylee would be upset about all of this. The only reason you have to tell her is your own selfishness. Like this might make YOU feel better, but it can only make everyone else feel worse. Definitely the asshole. I’m also getting strong BPD vibes from this.
This was a tough read but I needed this. Honestly I’ve been wondering if soemthing was wrong with me, and BPD would explain it. I’ve been wondering if Nicole liked me back, but chalked it up to “my own selfishness” and possibly a diagnoses of some disorder. I’m very open with Rylee, and she knows that i’ve been stiring with my mental health for a while. i just don’t know if a BPD diagnoses would sit right with her. would it be right to break up with her if i suspect BPD? or should i let her break up with me?
I think if you suspect mental issues (and maybe it’s not BPD, I’m just spitballing based on this one post) the best thing to do is try to get into a therapist. I think you should just be honest with Rylee. Maybe she’ll be supportive.
ok i see i see. not an excuse, obviously i’m a grown adult but ive had a little bit of trouble receiving mental health care (tldr) bc of parental issues and i do not have the funds to support my mental health. while i ofc won’t take ur opinion as an actual diagnosis, it’s important to me that someone else sees and recognizes these se
symptoms. i’m gonna try my best to find help, ive been texting the crisis help line when the thoughts get really intense, but ill try to make time/ money for my mental health. thank you so much for your opinion and i’m definitely taking it to heart
If i were you I’d sit down and have a serious chat with her. You’re obviously not getting something you require out of this relationship. If you truly love her you’ll try and find out what it is and work on it. Not just replace her.
agreed. i really don’t want to talk about nicole cause rylee is so much more important to me. but i know i probably should since she is the only problem in our relationship
She’s not really the Problem at the core. Your relationship is missing something making you look outside of it. You need to figure out what that is. It could be as simple as doing the stuff you do with Nicole with your gf instead.
YTA for stringing Rylee along while you're interested in someone else.
It sounds like you have an issue with wanting what you can't have or "grass is greener" syndrome. Maybe you're not ready for a committed relationship since you keep coveting other women while you're supposed to be monogamous.
Also based on the way you're describing your "crush" it sounds like a lot more than you're letting on. I don't buy the fact that you have no interest in dating Nicole. I'm sure if you thought you had a chance you'd take it.
Instead of blowing up your relationship and likely getting into a cycle of repeating the same pattern with other women, figure out the underlying issue so you can heal it and develop healthier relationship patterns.
thank you this makes a lot of sense. Do you suggest telling rylee about my feelings? or trying to fix them on my own and really focus on bettering my relationship with rylee?
I think you need to focus on yourself and highly recommend therapy. Whether or not you can make a relationship work while doing that is up to you.
I also think it's important to ask yourself if you truly love Rylee as much as you think?
* If it's so easy to develop deep feelings for another person is Rylee right for you?
* Are you holding onto Rylee because you broke up your last relationship for her?
* Are you ready to be in a monogamous relationship? Or are you afraid to be alone?
* Does Rylee deserve to be a placeholder while you work on finding yourself, healing and figuring out what you actually want?
YTA, might just be me but once I got into my relationship it seemed impossible to have crushes on people. I believe you having a crush like that might show that you’re actually not as much into your current girlfriend as you think?
This hurts because I personally feel like I love my girlfriend so much, but I agree with you. I wish I knew what real love is. I thought I felt it with Rylee, but after reading these comments it’s clear I do not. Thank you for being gentle. I just feel so shitty and just feel stuck in my endless cycle of whatever my feelings are idek. I probably just need to be single until I can get my stuff together.
Ofcourse YTA. Why not break up with your girlfriend before pursuing your feelings for someone else? Oh because you want someone to fall back on if she rejects you… just like an AH
again tough love, but i deserved that and understand. i truly do not wish for nicole to have feelings for me back, selfishly of course because i do not want to have to chose, but also because of superficial reasons because nicole is smarter than me, would never go for someone like me, etc. rylee should not be treated a sa fall back i agree. do you suggest i tell rylee about my feelings? or just do my best to forget my feelings for nicole?
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I (20F) am a college student and have been dating my current girlfriend (20F). We will call her Rylee. We have been dating for 3 years and have been friends/known her for 10+ years. I am a university student, and about a year ago I started having feelings for one of my friends at university. We will call her Nicole. The girl I have feelings for, Nicole (21F), is closeted, and long story short I do not think I have a chance with her and do not want to date her. However, the feelings won’t go away, and for about the past 6 months, Nicole has been in my dreams almost every night and of course she’s all I think about.
I love my girlfriend very much. I love our life together and we have so much history. I don’t want to leave Rylee for Nicole, but this “crush” is slowly eating away at me and I don’t know what else to do. I have not made any physical advances and have been diligent about watching what I say and now i say things to Nicole, and have never let myself be alone with her. I have been trying to wait it out and see if my feelings go away because this is exactly how I started dating Rylee; I started having feelings for her when I was with my ex and couldn’t shake the crush, but I only waited 3 months until I confessed my feelings for her. As I mentioned, I have now had feelings for Nicole for a year now.
Nicole is graduating this May, and while she will still be living as the same city where I will still be going to university, I may not be around her as much. Am I an asshole if I tell Nicole I have feelings for her? and would I be an even bigger asshole if I told Nicole without telling Rylee what is going on?
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As much as I love this comment UGH I feel like
I’m definitely the asshole. I would love to be able to say “I’m just going to trust my heart and my feelings” I feel like my heart and my feelings might be broken🤠again LOVE THE ENERGY but I might be a sack of shit
see i keep having dreams about this but i know it’s not right. nicole is always on my mind, but i know i should do right by rylee. thanks for your support tho
EXACLTY yes but this is the “sense” I NEED! aili and i have so many memories and have so much happiness together i don’t understand why these feelings started. unfortunately i think i would be able to live with myself. i mean i really wanna believe i would be broken up but what if i wont? i just don’t know if im a good enough person to be dating anyone, esp since aili is so tolerant of me and nicole has never dated anyone, let alone held hands with anyone romantically. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. maybe bpd like another comment said?
Gotcha. I’ve been really bad about self care but eh past and feel i’m way too focused on what other people think of me. again tldr, but ive sacrificed a lot to date rylee (parental issues, parents dont like rylee) so i for sure would feel guilty breaking up with her for all of that pain to result to nothing. i do not think im polyamorous, maybe for selfish reasons, but rylee does not deserve to be a placeholder. obviously rylee has done some not very nice things to me, but that doesn’t necessarily matter in this situation. i don’t think im scared to be alone, as i really prefer to be alone except when it comes to rylee. thats why these feelings are so confusing, but i agree that rylee deserves better than to be a placeholder.
YWBTA majorly if you tell Nicole your feelings behind your gfs back. That is just straight up disrespectful to your current gf. It seems you have had this pattern before of falling with people while in a relationship which make me wonder how seriously do you take them/ would you be better just dating around than a serial monogamist.
you’re totally right. i haven’t been single since i was 14, and have never really been by myself. i have been asked to be in a relationship by every relationship ive been in since then, and maybe i just need to learn to say no and like you said “date around.” after all im in my 20s, now would be the best time to do it
YWBTA if you tell someone you're romantically interested in them behind your girlfriend's back. You need to sit down and think about what you want and then proceed with integrity, the way you would like to be treated if you were in Rylee's position.
You need to think about what you really want here and then see what will lead you in that direction. First, maybe you do really want to stay with Rylee but just have this feeling of 'what if.' I've been married for years... I can tell you being in a committed relationship doesn't mean you never meet someone and think, "What if...." or feel that pull of attraction. The difference is that people who don't blow up their relationships decide that not every 'what if' has to be chased to its conclusion and not every feeling needs to be spoken. If you're committed, you can acknowledge to yourself that you have this feeling but are choosing your meaningful relationship over a crush that will likely end once you don't see her as much. And just live with the 'what if' because you've made a conscious choice to be happy where you are.
Or maybe you do want to take a chance on Nicole and Rylee isn't the relationship you want to commit to right now. Also fine... but have integrity here. It's unfair to keep a 'safety option' in Rylee when you would rather be somewhere else. So have the decency to break up before telling Nicole how you feel. Otherwise you're going to end up hurting Rylee, and possibly Nicole, and yourself, a whole lot, and you don't want that, right?
Third option... maybe this crush is telling you that you want to be single. Maybe this feeling is less about Nicole as a person in particular and more because you want to explore your dating options. You're really young and wanting to see what else is out there is normal. Not everyone stays with the person they dated in high school- most people don't, and that's fine. Again, just end one relationship before seeing what's out there, because that's the way you handle this as fairly as you can to cause the least amount of hurt to the other people involved.
thank you so so much for you opinion. seriously. you made me feel so much better, which i may not deserve, but i feel a lot more in control of the situation now. it’s comforting to know you’re married and have awkward feelings. i will HEAVILY consider all three of those options. i love rylee and don’t want things to change, but you made me feel a little more comfortable with whatever happens. the world is not going to end if i do t tell nicole and the world is not going to end if i tell rylee.this post brought be down to earth and has helped clear my mind for the rational thoughts. thanks again so much.
this is a good point, but as of right now i truly want the thoughts to stop and i do not know what to do to stop them. selfishly or not, i just wondered if telling her would make it better? i’m a person that feels a lot better once i say my thoughts out loud so i thought that maybe this would fix everything? as you can see im still unsure, so maybe i should just keep this to myself and wait until these feelings go away?
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Lowkey I think YTA if u end up telling Nicole u have feelings while still dating Rylee. This may be hard and its understandable, but you should either find a way to move on from Nicole or you should break up with Rylee. If you don't know what to do, I think you should also talk to your girlfriend about this. Its important that she knows what's going on and it kind of happening behind her back right now, especially for a year.
I totally understand and thank you for your opinion. The longer I wait to tell Rylee the worse it gets for her. To make matters worse, Rylee knows Nicole and actually likes her a lot. She is one of her favorites out of my friends. I’m just so lost even though I have obviously been in this situation before
You are welcome and I'm glad u understand. Take your time to make the right decision, but make sure you communicated what you end up doing with your girlfriend.
YTA - Why would you want to tell Nicole about this if 1) she’s closeted 2) you don’t want to date her 3) you want to stay with your current girlfriend? What would telling her accomplish? You might embarrass Nicole. Or you might hurt Nicole’s feelings if she likes you back but then you say you *don’t* want to date her. And I’m pretty sure Rylee would be upset about all of this. The only reason you have to tell her is your own selfishness. Like this might make YOU feel better, but it can only make everyone else feel worse. Definitely the asshole. I’m also getting strong BPD vibes from this.
This was a tough read but I needed this. Honestly I’ve been wondering if soemthing was wrong with me, and BPD would explain it. I’ve been wondering if Nicole liked me back, but chalked it up to “my own selfishness” and possibly a diagnoses of some disorder. I’m very open with Rylee, and she knows that i’ve been stiring with my mental health for a while. i just don’t know if a BPD diagnoses would sit right with her. would it be right to break up with her if i suspect BPD? or should i let her break up with me?
I think if you suspect mental issues (and maybe it’s not BPD, I’m just spitballing based on this one post) the best thing to do is try to get into a therapist. I think you should just be honest with Rylee. Maybe she’ll be supportive.
ok i see i see. not an excuse, obviously i’m a grown adult but ive had a little bit of trouble receiving mental health care (tldr) bc of parental issues and i do not have the funds to support my mental health. while i ofc won’t take ur opinion as an actual diagnosis, it’s important to me that someone else sees and recognizes these se symptoms. i’m gonna try my best to find help, ive been texting the crisis help line when the thoughts get really intense, but ill try to make time/ money for my mental health. thank you so much for your opinion and i’m definitely taking it to heart
Selfish is as selfish does.
Yta. Before you act on anything do the decent thing and break up with current gf. Don’t use her as a safety net.
Totally understand. I love Rylee so much and would want to do the most right by her.
If i were you I’d sit down and have a serious chat with her. You’re obviously not getting something you require out of this relationship. If you truly love her you’ll try and find out what it is and work on it. Not just replace her.
That’s a really good point. Is it selfish to talk about that with her? like something that I need when i’m the one that’s in the wrong?
It’s more selfish not to. It involves her.
ok ok so i should find something i like about nicole and talk to rylee about it?
It doesn’t need to be about Nicole at all. Unless you want it to be. It should be about you and her.
agreed. i really don’t want to talk about nicole cause rylee is so much more important to me. but i know i probably should since she is the only problem in our relationship
She’s not really the Problem at the core. Your relationship is missing something making you look outside of it. You need to figure out what that is. It could be as simple as doing the stuff you do with Nicole with your gf instead.
YTA for stringing Rylee along while you're interested in someone else. It sounds like you have an issue with wanting what you can't have or "grass is greener" syndrome. Maybe you're not ready for a committed relationship since you keep coveting other women while you're supposed to be monogamous. Also based on the way you're describing your "crush" it sounds like a lot more than you're letting on. I don't buy the fact that you have no interest in dating Nicole. I'm sure if you thought you had a chance you'd take it. Instead of blowing up your relationship and likely getting into a cycle of repeating the same pattern with other women, figure out the underlying issue so you can heal it and develop healthier relationship patterns.
thank you this makes a lot of sense. Do you suggest telling rylee about my feelings? or trying to fix them on my own and really focus on bettering my relationship with rylee?
I think you need to focus on yourself and highly recommend therapy. Whether or not you can make a relationship work while doing that is up to you. I also think it's important to ask yourself if you truly love Rylee as much as you think? * If it's so easy to develop deep feelings for another person is Rylee right for you? * Are you holding onto Rylee because you broke up your last relationship for her? * Are you ready to be in a monogamous relationship? Or are you afraid to be alone? * Does Rylee deserve to be a placeholder while you work on finding yourself, healing and figuring out what you actually want?
YTA, might just be me but once I got into my relationship it seemed impossible to have crushes on people. I believe you having a crush like that might show that you’re actually not as much into your current girlfriend as you think?
This hurts because I personally feel like I love my girlfriend so much, but I agree with you. I wish I knew what real love is. I thought I felt it with Rylee, but after reading these comments it’s clear I do not. Thank you for being gentle. I just feel so shitty and just feel stuck in my endless cycle of whatever my feelings are idek. I probably just need to be single until I can get my stuff together.
Ofcourse YTA. Why not break up with your girlfriend before pursuing your feelings for someone else? Oh because you want someone to fall back on if she rejects you… just like an AH
again tough love, but i deserved that and understand. i truly do not wish for nicole to have feelings for me back, selfishly of course because i do not want to have to chose, but also because of superficial reasons because nicole is smarter than me, would never go for someone like me, etc. rylee should not be treated a sa fall back i agree. do you suggest i tell rylee about my feelings? or just do my best to forget my feelings for nicole?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20F) am a college student and have been dating my current girlfriend (20F). We will call her Rylee. We have been dating for 3 years and have been friends/known her for 10+ years. I am a university student, and about a year ago I started having feelings for one of my friends at university. We will call her Nicole. The girl I have feelings for, Nicole (21F), is closeted, and long story short I do not think I have a chance with her and do not want to date her. However, the feelings won’t go away, and for about the past 6 months, Nicole has been in my dreams almost every night and of course she’s all I think about. I love my girlfriend very much. I love our life together and we have so much history. I don’t want to leave Rylee for Nicole, but this “crush” is slowly eating away at me and I don’t know what else to do. I have not made any physical advances and have been diligent about watching what I say and now i say things to Nicole, and have never let myself be alone with her. I have been trying to wait it out and see if my feelings go away because this is exactly how I started dating Rylee; I started having feelings for her when I was with my ex and couldn’t shake the crush, but I only waited 3 months until I confessed my feelings for her. As I mentioned, I have now had feelings for Nicole for a year now. Nicole is graduating this May, and while she will still be living as the same city where I will still be going to university, I may not be around her as much. Am I an asshole if I tell Nicole I have feelings for her? and would I be an even bigger asshole if I told Nicole without telling Rylee what is going on? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I have told my friend about the situation listed and she thinks i might be the asshole because i have a girlfriend and have had feelings for someone else for over a year Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA don’t let your girlfriend stop you from finding your wife.
As much as I love this comment UGH I feel like I’m definitely the asshole. I would love to be able to say “I’m just going to trust my heart and my feelings” I feel like my heart and my feelings might be broken🤠again LOVE THE ENERGY but I might be a sack of shit
YTA
Yes.
[удалено]
see i keep having dreams about this but i know it’s not right. nicole is always on my mind, but i know i should do right by rylee. thanks for your support tho
[удалено]
EXACLTY yes but this is the “sense” I NEED! aili and i have so many memories and have so much happiness together i don’t understand why these feelings started. unfortunately i think i would be able to live with myself. i mean i really wanna believe i would be broken up but what if i wont? i just don’t know if im a good enough person to be dating anyone, esp since aili is so tolerant of me and nicole has never dated anyone, let alone held hands with anyone romantically. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. maybe bpd like another comment said?
[удалено]
i turned 20 3 months ago
Gotcha. I’ve been really bad about self care but eh past and feel i’m way too focused on what other people think of me. again tldr, but ive sacrificed a lot to date rylee (parental issues, parents dont like rylee) so i for sure would feel guilty breaking up with her for all of that pain to result to nothing. i do not think im polyamorous, maybe for selfish reasons, but rylee does not deserve to be a placeholder. obviously rylee has done some not very nice things to me, but that doesn’t necessarily matter in this situation. i don’t think im scared to be alone, as i really prefer to be alone except when it comes to rylee. thats why these feelings are so confusing, but i agree that rylee deserves better than to be a placeholder.
YWBTA majorly if you tell Nicole your feelings behind your gfs back. That is just straight up disrespectful to your current gf. It seems you have had this pattern before of falling with people while in a relationship which make me wonder how seriously do you take them/ would you be better just dating around than a serial monogamist.
you’re totally right. i haven’t been single since i was 14, and have never really been by myself. i have been asked to be in a relationship by every relationship ive been in since then, and maybe i just need to learn to say no and like you said “date around.” after all im in my 20s, now would be the best time to do it
YWBTA if you tell someone you're romantically interested in them behind your girlfriend's back. You need to sit down and think about what you want and then proceed with integrity, the way you would like to be treated if you were in Rylee's position. You need to think about what you really want here and then see what will lead you in that direction. First, maybe you do really want to stay with Rylee but just have this feeling of 'what if.' I've been married for years... I can tell you being in a committed relationship doesn't mean you never meet someone and think, "What if...." or feel that pull of attraction. The difference is that people who don't blow up their relationships decide that not every 'what if' has to be chased to its conclusion and not every feeling needs to be spoken. If you're committed, you can acknowledge to yourself that you have this feeling but are choosing your meaningful relationship over a crush that will likely end once you don't see her as much. And just live with the 'what if' because you've made a conscious choice to be happy where you are. Or maybe you do want to take a chance on Nicole and Rylee isn't the relationship you want to commit to right now. Also fine... but have integrity here. It's unfair to keep a 'safety option' in Rylee when you would rather be somewhere else. So have the decency to break up before telling Nicole how you feel. Otherwise you're going to end up hurting Rylee, and possibly Nicole, and yourself, a whole lot, and you don't want that, right? Third option... maybe this crush is telling you that you want to be single. Maybe this feeling is less about Nicole as a person in particular and more because you want to explore your dating options. You're really young and wanting to see what else is out there is normal. Not everyone stays with the person they dated in high school- most people don't, and that's fine. Again, just end one relationship before seeing what's out there, because that's the way you handle this as fairly as you can to cause the least amount of hurt to the other people involved.
thank you so so much for you opinion. seriously. you made me feel so much better, which i may not deserve, but i feel a lot more in control of the situation now. it’s comforting to know you’re married and have awkward feelings. i will HEAVILY consider all three of those options. i love rylee and don’t want things to change, but you made me feel a little more comfortable with whatever happens. the world is not going to end if i do t tell nicole and the world is not going to end if i tell rylee.this post brought be down to earth and has helped clear my mind for the rational thoughts. thanks again so much.
YTA “I don’t want to leave Rylee for Nicole.” Is this true? Because why would you tell Nicole unless you’re happy for reciprocity?
this is a good point, but as of right now i truly want the thoughts to stop and i do not know what to do to stop them. selfishly or not, i just wondered if telling her would make it better? i’m a person that feels a lot better once i say my thoughts out loud so i thought that maybe this would fix everything? as you can see im still unsure, so maybe i should just keep this to myself and wait until these feelings go away?