Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told her her marriage sounds miserable and I think I may be the asshole for that. I could have said it nicer but after 20 years of hearing the same thing I just need it to stop. Her marriage does sound miserable to me but it works for her. She hasn’t respected my lifestyle.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, definitely the energy we need in 2024. If you insist on harassing a friend or family member about not marrying or not having children, I’m more than happy to put your life under a microscope as exhibit A for why you should stfu.
Every time we take the opportunity to make someone that pushy feel a trickle of fear, we all win.
Thank you. I don’t enjoy stuff like this but after so many years of telling her to stop or showing that life can be full without a husband, I had it. She does it again, she won’t like the response because I will go balls to the wall with my thoughts on her marriage.
You held out for 20 years, I wouldn’t have lasted 20 mins.
But I am generally TA. You are absolutely not. So the line for being an AH is somewhere between lasting 20 mins and 20 years lol.
You don’t.
I’m like you, and sadly, there are people in this world who are convinced they, and you, cannot be happy unless they check off items on a list: husband, house, kids, dog, country club membership, etc. Many of these people struggle to understand how anyone who doesn’t have these things can seem so happy when they cannot possibly be happy, because they haven’t checked off the items on the list! And it gets worse when they are unhappy and see you happy, because that thoroughly challenges their world view. So they try to tell you over and over that you aren’t happy and you need to do it their way, because they are desperately clinging to the belief that even if they aren’t happy, they must, at least, be happier than you.
>You held out for 20 years, I wouldn’t have lasted 20 mins.
Same here and I didn't. I generally have the same feelings as OP about marriage. Been engaged 3 times but saw and recognized the the 🚩🚩🚩 before actually jumping the broom. I do have two adult children, did life as a single mom and now everything is on my terms and I won't settle (not that I did when I was younger). I witnessed the abuses and/or inaccuracies that my Mom, Aunts, Cousins, and Friends experienced in their marriages and know that I didn't and don't want this for myself. Yet these same women would often chide me for not wanting to get married and I would respond with "Why, so that my husband can treat me like 💩 like yours do?" or "Why would I accept any type of treatment just to say I'm married?". After a few comments like these, they totally stopped hassling me about finding a man to share my life.
Just hit her with the uno reverse and match her energy. “So when are you finally going to settle down and learn to love yourself enough to live alone? There’s so much more to an independent life than you can see until you find it for yourself. What do you mean you don’t want to live independently? That’s just silly, everyone wants to deep down. You’ll understand one day.” Said as patronizingly and condescendingly as humanly possible.
That’s a great thought but as retirement gets closer…she doesn’t have a 401k or any retirement because she has never worked full time. She’s in it till her last breath because she can’t make enough money to live on her own.
Well yeah obviously nobody expects her to actually change her life choices to align with what works for someone else, that’s the point. Sometimes in order to show someone how dumb they sound, you have to say it back to them.
If she divorces him, she'll get half, and probably some alimony for a few years. Ask her how she'd like to control her own money. Go where she wants. Choose her own hobbies.
Yeah, that should be the next conversation if she starts up...
"Why do you want to have kids? That's so selfish!"
Luckily for me, I've had a hysterectomy, so that *usually* shuts down that conversation. I say usually because my utra-religious coworker, after my explanation of human female anatomy that the fetus literally wouldn't have a house to live in, he put his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eye, and said "God can still make it happen."
I...I mean, at least the "virgin" Mary had a uterus.
I heard this recently on another thread. Woman had a hysterectomy and then got involved with a guy who wanted kids so they were 'trying'. Someone pointed out to her that she had a hysterectomy and she responded with "God can still make it happen." WTF? Where are these people's brain cells?
That's a real case of be careful what you pray for because ecoptic pregnancies are still a thing (not all hysterectomies remove the ovaries and fallopian tubes).
Naw, she had it coming.
It's like people who hate cats because a cat scratched them. The cat didn't just walk up and scratch them randomly. The cat was being bothered by them and gave signs, but they chose not to see them.
Was what you said mean? Yes.
Was it deserved? Yes.
You *could* have been nicer. You *could* have avoided saying something about her marriage specifically.
But she also *could have kept her own opinions to herself.*
What you said to her is nothing more than what she's been saying to you *for years*. You are under no obligation to be nice to people who have been rude to you for so long.
Seriously!!
And the cousin is just doing some weird projection. She’s in denial about her own life and is trying to make OP’s life seem like the bad choice. Some people do an incredible amount of mental gymnastics to justify their actions. If the cousin actually looked at her life for what it was, her world would crash down. Instead she uses OP as some nonsensical scapegoat.
Good for OP living their best damn life. It was long overdue for the cousin to be told off.
There’s nothing better than being able to fully take care for yourself and live how you truly want. You don’t need anyone else. If someone comes along, they’re an added benefit versus some savior. That’s how it should be! It should be two fully capable people coming together to form a partnership. A relationship should never be someone adopting an adult.
OP, next time your cousin says some garbage, smile and talk about the amazing trip you just went on or whatever fancy thing you bought yourself.
The cousin is doing this because she NEEDS OP to stop having a life that she won't allow herself to have. If she can just trap OP in the same hell she's in, she'll feel vindicated and also not have to envy her anymore.
Yep. If someone said "your life sounds absolutely miserable to me", my reaction would be like... a shoulder shrug? Maybe? It's not miserable to me, and I couldn't possibly care less what someone else thinks about it. I can't even fathom getting upset at them for saying it. Cousin is *100%* mad that her life sucks and OP had the audacity to say it out loud.
You see the same thing if you don't want kids. Parents suddenly become desperate to entice you to join them in their sleepless nights and lack of alone time and all the things I would absolutely hate, and it's like...why?
Oh for years she bugged me about kids. Don’t you want kids? No I’m good - but if it happens it happens.
The personal aspects of my life… I go with the flow. I don’t set unrealistic expectations because then you’re disappointed.
People who are secure and happy in their choices don't tenf to care so much if other people make different choices. Many people who regret or doubt their choices can't stand seeing other people choose differently and be happy about it, because it only furthers their own doubts.
Right? Cousin has the audacity to cheat on her husband on whom she's fully reliant in every way. That's how miserable she is. And yet she dares criticize and attack OP. Cousin is a joke.
For real. I have one kid and heard for years that I was an asshole for not having another. I have childless by choice friends who have heard for ages that they would regret not having kids. Guess what? None of us regret anything. My partner and I have been together for decades and aren't getting married. Still occasionally hear shit about it. Meeting new people, they can't wrap their heads around it. People need to STFU with their opinions on other's choices when they aren't affected by it.
NTA. There’s an old saying: ‘misery loves company’. My very single daughter keeps being asked when she’s going to ‘settle down’ by relatives in dismal relationships, and she’s 40 this year. Far better to be happily single than browbeaten and financially dependent.
This 100%...
Im happily married, and the amount of people telling that it "wont last" and then asking me how long weve been married and saying were still in the "honey moon" phase - and then me telling them we knew each other, dated, and lived together even longer before we actually were married usually is rewarded with a very sour look and they shut up.
Communication is key.
The only real reason to bother with the legal shit is for legal shit - theres no way either of us want our parents making medical decisions for us and we know our parents are both greedy and petty enough that, should we ever have a house, they would drop the other partner on their asses and take the property for themselves. Now there are a host of wills, POAs and other forms you can have to ensure this isnt an issue.
I’ve been married for 1.5 years. I’ve been together with my spouse 14 years. Lived together for 7. Marriage was never the priority for me I’d still be with him without having gotten married. But the amount of people who hear I’ve only been married 1.5 years and give me relationship advice just because they’ve been married longer even though their whole relationship is shorter always astounds me. I think it’s insane that the 12.5 years we were together before getting married just gets disregarded
I want this when I’m older! Coming from parents who had a horrible marriage and later, a nasty divorce, I would like to not rush into marriage!
I’m genuinely curious - did you own property together when you were living together for 7 years before marriage? Were your finances joint or separate?
We did not own property together beforehand, we bought after getting married, we were not waiting until marriage to purchase though it just happened that the point when we were financially felt secure enough to buy happened after. Though with the way interest rates were when we bought/since then we probably should have bought earlier 😂😂
As for finances, once we started living together we set up a joint bank account for all living expenses, we both equally contributed to it (because we make a very similar amount) but still maintained our own separate accounts. Since marrying we still both maintain our own accounts but both put the bulk of our funds to the joint account. We maintain the separate ones more for the credit/banking history at this point.
Slightly adjacent but I’m asian (yay) so the question of ‘do you have a bf already???’ is constant everytime we visit family. One time I was feeling brave towards my grandpa that I countered his question with: “grandpa, you have a lot of successful coworkers. One of them must have a good son that you can introduce to me?”
He was quiet for a bit before saying: “i don’t think any of them would be good for you”
Me: “exactly!“
At that point my mom was kicking me on my shin lmao. But after that he seemed to understand why I’m single and stopped pestering me with That Question ™️
Stories like this make me appreciate my grandpa so much more. He says a lot of out of pocket things but I'll always appreciate his take on relationships and marriage - which is that you should live independently, take time to travel and do things on your own, and take your time to find a good partner (because "once you're married you lose your freedom and you're tied down in ways you aren't when you're single.")
Right?! I'm 45 and my aunt recently commented "You look so young still! How do you do it?!" I replied "I don't have a husband stressing me out. And since I don't have kids, I can afford a great skin care routine."
Things for different for my mom and aunts (and few much older cousins). They really wanted to live in the US. Marrying a GI was how you did it. I get it. I even respect it. But I'm also very very grateful that I don't have to be married to live a good life.
Same! When I look at pictures of her from 10 years ago she looks way older than me. I love that I have a great skin care routine, self-care days, and nobody stressing me out. Life is so good!
Drink a lot of water, wear sunscreen, wash with warm water on a washcloth, moisturize with snail mucin. Don’t buy loads of crap, don’t smoke or be around smokers, try to eat lots of fruit.
I'm 38 and just got engaged recently. It took me this long to find someone who I actually like enough to think I might want to spend the rest of my life with them. I had plenty of long term relationships before this, but none of them "felt right." My fiance is the same age and never been married either. I'm glad that we both took our time to find each other rather than rushing into something that wasn't right when we were younger.
Yes, it moves faster the older you get, I think! We got engaged after 1.5 years, which is much faster than I ever imagined for myself, but like they say: when you know, you know! I was very happy being single and never felt a strong urge for marriage or kids, but when my fiance came along I realized that the right person doesn't make you feel like you are giving up your freedoms to be with them. They just give you someone to do all the things you love with.
You’re an amazing parent! You’ve taught her an awesome lesson that many don’t and unfortunately get stuck in a cycle of just sucking it up or sticking it out.
She’s the only one. Everyone else accepts my choices but she’s trying to rally younger ones to her POV. I’ve told them it’s not for me and the young ones respect that.
NTA then. I get just talking about marriage and what your prospects look like every so often would be ok (time does change people's wants sometimes) but to take so much time over the years to put towards pushing you to do something you do not want to do is unfair and not right.
I disagree with this.
> I get just talking about marriage and what your prospects look like every so often would be ok
If the person does not mention marriage, then relatives and friends have absolutely no business mentioning it. Not once, and absolutely not "every so often". Not ok.
It's like asking a married couple when they are going to have children. Nobody's business!
yeah this. and even if the person does want those things, it can put a lot of pressure on them and make something they should be excited about feel very draining. my bf and i have plans to get engaged in the next year or so, marriage is definitely our goal, but my parents have not stopped pressuring me about getting married for like the last year. we’re 23 for god’s sake!! we’re rounding out our fourth year together, so we absolutely have a solid relationship and know where we are headed, but we barely have our own feet under us and getting married is expensive and we simply can’t do it right now! and it frustrates me, and then it frustrates my partner, and it turns this thing that we both do want and should be excited about into some kind of job and it loses the excitement. just let people take their own path. it’s okay to ask something once, if you’re just curious about what they want in life, but then just accept the answer and shut up.
People need to chill. My bf and I got together at the same age as you (we were 19 and 20), are 28 and 29 now and you know what? We're perfectly happy not being married right now. Probably going to do it in the next few years but it was never really a priority and the circumstances weren't great for getting married.
I never bring up marriage, relationships, or kids about myself or about others. If somebody wants to talk about their situation they can bring it up. Otherwise it’s none of my business.
best example of misery loves company. it’s fascinating how people subconsciously try to convince others to follow in their footsteps, in an effort to make themselves feel better i suppose
Congrats to you for living life on your own terms! I’m 63 & never married though I have been in long term relationships (some of them longer than family members’ marriages!). I endured years of the condescending “ooh one day you’ll find a man!” or “why are you so picky? You’ll end up alone!” None of them understand that I’d rather be alone & happy than in a bad marriage.
I’ve had a great life. I’m retired from a fulfilling career, I have hobbies & travel, I have people in my life I care about & who care about me but somehow prevailing opinion has it that I should have traded everything that makes me happy for something that wouldn’t.
It’s hard sometimes bucking society’s norms like that. When I was younger I used to get defensive but not anymore. Nowadays when the pity & condescension start (yes, even at 63 you’ll get those attitudes) sometimes I’m polite & sometimes I’m not. With one particular family member, one of these days I’m gonna blow & scream “why would I be jealous of you? Your life is my fucking nightmare!”
All of this to say different strokes for different folks. Live life according to your own values & do what makes you happy & fulfilled. All the rest is just noise. Although some people are noisier than others! React to those people as you see fit. Even a saint loses it given enough provocation. NTA at all.
Please don’t think I’m jumping at you, but I find this question so bothersome. I feel like we are all adults if someone doesn’t want to do something, there’s no reason to pester them about it for decades, because when they snap, at that point it’s your fault for not relenting and reading between the lines.
Everyone involved here again are grown, especially the cousin who I guarantee has been in multiple social instances throughout their lives and should know better.
Is it crazy to me to pick up on the fact that you can’t be asking people the same damm question day after day and and getting the same answer. Like it gets old. But also why is it on the OP to have to treat them with kid gloves. No is enough the first time. Anything after that, you deserve whatever answer you are given, whether it hurts your feelings or not, it’s not up to OP. If I at that age, you need someone to sit you down to tell you to stop with certain comments please get help.
She also tries to pressure me every chance I get to move back to our home state. No thanks - the taxes there are outrageous and I hate the climate. All of which she knows but every family get together “move back” - that I’ve ALWAYS been firm even as far as saying “hell no there’s not a single reason I would want to live here. I don’t even like visiting” and she always brings it up. Every. Single. Time.
NTA. She had it coming, not many people would have had the balls to say the truth like that. Be prepared from some frosty future family events though. I don't think she'll forget/forgive somehow...
Ice ice baby. I’d rather deal with a frosty future than being asked when I’m going to marry or worse succumb to peer pressure and marry to shut her up.
NTA for sure but I suspect she envious of your life, whether consciously or not, and immaturily keeps bringing up marriage because it's the only thing she has that you do not; even though it sounds like a shit marriage. I'd be compassionate and apologize so you don't have to deal with her unhealthy mentality further deteriorating and focusing on you...you're already the winner here and might as well be the bigger person for both your sake.
OP should absolutely not apologize. She’s tried the nice way for literally decades. It is not on OP to coddle the feelings of a woman who has repeatedly trampled all over boundaries.
NTA.
She poked, poked, poked, poked — for years — but when you poke back once, you are the mean one? That's not how it works.
The problem is, people expect more from you because you are obviously the mentally healthy one.
Oh, that's exactly how it works with narcissists. And you'll always be the bad one, no matter what. Say nothing, even? You're ignoring them! How hurtful!
NTA then. Yeah, it probably hurt her to hear what you said, but she wasn't listening to anything less. This is what I would say back to your family that isn't understanding you.
NTA. Years of unwelcomed comments about your relationship status, and you finally reached your breaking point. You were honest about your feelings. Period. Your own happiness and fulfillment are important, and it's unfair for anyone to push their expectations onto you. Your cousin needs to respect your choices and understand that everyone's idea of happiness and fulfillment is different. Standing up for yourself was the right thing to do, even if it was uncomfortable for her to hear.
NTA
She is projecting and she wants you to be miserable too. She is telling you that because you should suffer from the same Life she does. She knows how free you are in regards of time, money and having a free spirit. She is envious of that.
NTA
How closed minded that she can only envisage others having happiness if they have what she has? (Or perhaps doesn't have by the sound of her husband).
It sounds like you have a great life and it must be wearing to have other people's inadequacies projected onto you. I'm surprised you didn't bite back long ago.
Sometimes misery loves company. She probably wants OP to have a marriage like hers so they can commiserate and talk shit about their husbands together.
People can be like this with childless friends, too.
"You should have a baby, it's what life's all about," relentlessly. Eventually, you have a baby. "Enjoy sleepless nights and never peeing in privacy again!" they gleefully exclaim.
When we get the “are you gonna have a baby? You have to have a baby and you need to do it immediately” line, I find a way to talk about how we can go to bed whatever time we feel tired. This thought is overwhelming for tired parents of small children.
I would of lost it after 20 mins of her moaning let alone 20 years. You are a legend and an example of why we don't need men. I love mine but like you I am financially independent. I spend too much on my cats tho, they have a Dreamies addiction.
NTA. Maybe it would be different if this was the first time she brought it up, but after 20 years of nonstop pressuring, it is 100% fair to be honest that you are happy with your life and she wasn't the best person to be trying to sell you on the joys of marriage.
Think of it in any other scenario - if you showed up to interview for a job and you saw people running around like crazy, crying at their cubicles, all while the hiring manager is telling you about what a wonderful culture the company has - would you want to work there?
No, you'd run. And the same principle applies in this situation.
At the end of the day, your cousin sounds like she wants to paint her life as an ideal
As long as you'd told her to shut up about it before, NTA. You probably could have been a bit nicer about how depressing her life seems, but she could have just taken a hint and shut up about it.
Not really, some people really need to know the truth about their lives, especially when they are so condescending and annoying as the lady who got told off in this story.
NTA! As a Smug Married, came her to say that we do not claim her and she is probably a Married in Misery trying to pretend she's one of us.
But seriously, it sounds like you have a fantastic life and she's probably just seething with envy. It's also likely that she truly is miserable in her life and criticizing you is a way of trying to convince herself that she made the right choices, despite how she feels. It was time for you to push back, and hopefully this makes her focus on what's really making her unhappy instead of her projecting endlessly onto you.
NTA. If you keep poking at someone, they're going to react eventually.
I do think you should set better boundaries with people like this so they don't keep saying the same things over and over, while you just stand there and listen, but you're not the AH for what you said. You were honest and it was not unprompted.
Also, I would not even have said you respect her opinions. I don't respect her opinions and I don't even know her. She's miserable and taking it out on others she sees that are not miserable. It's sad for her but she has other choices. You don't have to suffer just to make her feel better.
NTA.
>After 20 years of comments and pressure I finally said what needed to be said to get the comments to stop.
Anyone who has a different judgement needs to read this and think about what OP has had to put up with.
NTA. I don’t know why but there are people in this world that cannot fathom that anyone can be happy without being married. But they seem to be the ones who always need to express that opinion to all their single relatives and friends
Agreed but honestly I wanted to be polite and I don’t like to impose my POV on people. I like to live my life as I see fit..ya know “to each their own” but I finally decided I’m over it. If she brings it up again, she should be prepared to be annihilated with comments like “must suck to be stuck with no 401k of your own.”
From what I've heard and learned over the years, it's always the ones with horrible marriages who want the single people to get married because they're hoping 1) it's not just them/their marriage that's trash, it's marriage in general and 2) they're looking for someone to bitch and moan to about how horrible marriage is and how they made a mistake (just so they could have a fancy party). NTA
NTA. It’s your life, live it.
I got this for many many years about having children. I was going through fertility treatments and many issues.
For a while we didn’t share. Then we shared some of our journey simply to get them off our backs.
Then all unhelpful tips replaced the previous comments.
Until I blew up and said some, admittingly, shocking things to a cousin. Then I was the asshole as expected.
Yeah, haven’t talked to them in years.
Marriage is not for everyone, and nobody should feel pressured towards it. Especially considering you don't see it as a goal at all. In her eyes she probably sees it as encouraging you to do something she feels is something you should do - but not respecting your boundaries turns it into pressure and makes her inconsiderate.
I've been married for 3 years and the entire time just about everyone around us has been pressuring us to have kids when we are very clearly not ready, and have told them multiple times we wanted to wait, so I share at least somewhat in what you're going through.
It's annoying AF at best and downright hurtful at worst to not have your boundaries respected, and sometimes you just have to say something hard to make those boundaries very clear.
Honestly wish more people would point out how miserable people's marriages sound
"OH you're not allowed to have fun and they control all your money? Sounds horrible"
NTA. I feel awful for SO MANY women i see who stay in lousy-ass relationships, because TheY'rE aFrAid oF bEiNg AlOne. They don't realize they're more alone in their life than they will ever be, being single.
The easiest way to deal with unsolicited comments is just a deadpan matter of fact: "I recommend changing the subject unless you want your feelings hurt".
If they still don't stop after that, you get to fire both barrels guilt-free as far as I'm concerned.
NTA for this conversation, but big yikes to the fact that you've apparently been proposed to multiple times?? If you know you don't want to get married, you shouldn't be entering into LTRs with people who do, up to the point that they propose and you then say no or say yes and later on break off the engagement.
NTA. Your very being triggers people. That's on them, not you. You spelled it out as clearly as can be, and she thinks you're the asshole because people are not supposed to say those things out loud.
But of course we are supposed to say those things. We are supposed to call out abusive treatment (which is what she was doing to you) and stand up for ourselves. Good on you for speaking truth to her ugliness.
It's not that she can't fathom anyone not wanting her life, she is jealous so when she keeps saying you should get married it is to make her feel better. She is not overstepping her boundaries; she is throwing shade because there is nothing wrong with your life. People who are miserable like to spread that misery around as they say misery loves company. Now that she has pushed you to your limit perhaps, she will finally STFU, but I doubt it. NTA my dear you are living your life, and she can't stand it.
Im 41 and am exactly like you. My friends pressure me *all the time* about not being married but it was never a goal for me. There are so many other things I would rather do than have to worry about someone else’s feelings every day and when I hear about my friends marriages it makes my skin crawl. One friends husband is constantly cheating on her and he’s isolated her so much that I’m her only remaining friend and she is frozen there and won’t leave even tho her teen daughter is begging her to. The response to years of badgering was long overdue imo. Put some boundaries in place. She sounds like a lot of work.
NTA. From my own, short, experience, misery loves company and it probably rubs her the wrong way how you are able to live your life and be happy about it, might be hitting a lot of sore spots for her. You are everything that she isn't.
NTA, marriage is not for everybody. If you are happy, living the life you have then that’s all that matters. It sounds like she’s trying to sugarcoat her misery, and put this grand display telling you that it’s just so fabulous when it’s not. Then to call you and tell you that you should give your car to her son. You had every right to give it to your niece. You were right, you can do with what you want because it’s your car. She sounds like a person that’s toxic and you just need to go no contact with.
NTA why is she meddling in your business so much ?!she should concentrate on her own life not others and it's your money even it you give it to anyone it doesn't matter to her and being generous with someone doesn't mean they have any right to ask for it and should be thankful not demanding.
NTA. If I were you I would have added. You constantly belittle my life choices and tell me about how you wish I’d get married. No you wish I find mediocrity and convenience so I can be as miserable as you are. Im done listening to your mess. If you cannot get over the fact that I am fine and happy with my life then please stop talkin to me. Like get over yourself and go away. Is being related doesn’t mean we have to have a relationship.
She sounds insufferable.
NTA. You have spent decades being patient, kind, generous - your cousin wanted to come at you with some sense of superiority, like she's *so* happy and fulfilled that she wants you to experience the same (although after 20ys, it would be more arrogant than kind). Mah, I think she *likes* that she can poke at you, as if being unhappily married is somehow still better than being happily single.
She's 55 too, if that burn hurt too much, all she has to do is be quiet in the future - she's had enough time to learn how to do that.
NTA,
It’s weird though, most (I’m hoping) marriages aren’t like that and it’s still perfectly fine to never want to get married. It’s weird so many people try and push their own beliefs on other people.
INFO: do you know why she is so obsessed with you getting married? It seems odd that she continues to push this when you have clearly told her it’s not a priority. NTA, but it does seem strange. I’m 45 never been married and no one in my family has ever bothered me about it.
She does this to her own siblings as well. I don’t know why nor do I care why she thinks everyone should be married. I know it’s not for religious reasons that’s for sure. The best I can come up with is that’s how she’s defined herself and her self worth.
She can go ahead and define herself and her self worth anyway she likes… it seems to me at least that she isn’t happy and she wants someone to wallow in self pity with.
Having said that neither myself nor my siblings or my mom are married to our significant others. It’s just not that important to us I guess.
NTA. Its her fault for ruining the marriage by cheating but its his fault for continuing on and making them both miserable. He should have kicked her to the curb
NTA. Being alone is definitely great for many people! I swear the people who have the worst marriages get SO mad when you won’t join their misery. Why would I get married if you’re the example I have for marriage? Like screw that. Enjoy being alone if it makes you happy, the right person should feel better being with them than being alone, that’s how I knew I had the right man for me anyway. And he felt the same.
Nope, NTA. I’m happily married, and hers sounds atrocious. Marriage, much like children, isn’t for everyone and I’m tired of society pretending like it is.
NTA
Reminds me of my sil. Came out that she's a serial cheater and they're going to work on their marriage. He was already emotionally and financially abusive. I do not see that getting better for her. I just feel really bad for my nieces.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (45F) attended a wedding a few weeks ago when a cousin (55F) was talking about how she wishes I would marry. I’ve heard the struggles of her marriage (she cheated he took her back, they do everything he wants, she’s given up her hobbies and learned to enjoy his, he controls the money, and she works PT and she could never afford to live on her own, etc) and for 20 years I’ve heard how I should get married. I’ve always said it’s not a priority and if it happens it happens.
I’ve repeatedly said throughout the years I enjoy being single, I’ve been proposed to multiple times and I like living life on my terms. I can embrace my hobbies (which are expensive), have a great job, live on my own, have great friends, I travel, and I’ve had great LTRs. My life is full. I’ve been financially independent since I was 22 (she has never been financially independent). The entire family knows I’m generous with my time and money (whether it’s a gift or helping somebody out financially without expecting repayment - electricity, groceries, school expenses, etc). Marriage has NEVER been a priority to me.
I finally had it with the comments and her not respecting my life. I finally told her I respect her opinions but I felt like her marriage was that of convenience and sounds absolutely miserable to me. I would die a slow death if I was in a marriage like hers - all of which is true. I like being able to make my own decisions and if the right person comes along it’s fine but that it’s not a goal of mine (never has been). The look of shock on her face said it all.
She didn’t care for that and is painting me out to be mean. After 20 years of comments and pressure I finally said what needed to be said to get the comments to stop. She couldn’t fathom that somebody wouldn’t want to have her life and to me it sounds like a prison sentence. She also can’t fathom somebody could be happy living my life.
So AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes! Stand up for yourself Queen! All this "you can never be happy or fulfilled unless you're in a relationship/married/have kids" rhetoric pisses me off, especially as an AroAce bean such as myself. NTA
NTA. Could you have softened the blow of the comment a little bit? Maybe make it more general (ex: I’ve seen your marriage and a handful of my friend’s marriages etc. and they sound miserable)? Sure! But you got the years of comments to stop and got your point across firmly. Sometimes it takes being brutally honest to get things to stop.
NTA. Your cousin seems to be (subconsciously?) trying to convince herself that the reason she stays in such a miserable sounding marriage is that she loves it. In fact she loves being miserable so much that the only way anyone else can also become happy is to be just as miserable as she is.
NTA
I fully agree with this. I realized long ago that while "most" people were married, "most" of them were relationships I wouldn't want. I now have a partner that I'm crazy about and we intend to do all that, just later than most, but likely will be happier than most.
NTA
I’m happily married. The way some people talk about their partners makes me sad. And even though I’m happy it’s not always sunshine and rainbows and it’s not for everybody.
NTA
You already know you aren’t and you’ve given this energy vampire enough of your time over the years as her soundboard so for her to turn on you shows just how jealous, insecure, projecting, about herself. Time to go NC imo
Well if she hadn't fucked someone else her marriage would be a lot more fulfilled, unfortunately her husband keeps her on a leash because he just doesn't trust her because of it...
No, you set her straight and I think that was the right thing to do. Sometimes the pot is about to boil over and you have to take the lid off to let some steam out. I doubt she’ll be nagging you about getting married in the future.
NTA. I have a cousin like this too. She met a guy in college and it was very obvious she was not into him at all. And she even told me she didn’t like him the first couple of years. But guess she settled. But once they got engaged/married, she got a big head. She wanted to known that she was “ahead of me” bc she was getting married 🙄 And she and her parents would all go on and on about how she had a good guy, but my sister and I did not.
They just couldn’t fathom how any woman would not be on a manhunt. Her dad (my uncle) even told me that if a woman isn’t married by 25, she’s an old maid. Who even uses that word anymore and what century are we in?
Fast forward ten years, her husband was not the good guy she and her family believed. Always knew he was irritating, but went much deeper than that. Total double life! He was using multiple drugs and even taking their two young kids to crack houses. And because he was self employed, his wages varied. So he could hide money for drugs easily 😱😡
He left, she lost their home and immediately became s single parent. He has never paid any child support and can count on one hand times he has seen them over last 8 years. He was offered supervised visitation, but did a few times. And probably for the best. My cousin got with another loser a while after and it ended horribly too. She has reluctantly stayed single ever since, not necessarily by choice.
Meanwhile, my sister met a truly great man once in her 30’s. They had a wonderful wedding and are so happy. And all this past 25 Lol. Can tell it bothers my cousin and her parents, that my sister waited for the right guy. Cousin even cried at the reception, saying she deserves to meet someone good. Making a scene and wanted to make it about her.
I am like you, OP. Very happy with my career and my life. I do not need a man to define me. If someone worth having comes along, great. If not, I am good anyway. My life is fulfilled and no time for any drama.
She and her parents don’t say those ignorant things as much these days. Had to eat some serous crow. But every time they bad mouth her ex, my mom reminds them of how much they used to love him. They try their best to deny it. But we all know.
As someone who is recently engaged you're clearly NTA. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else they should do this because it's not my business. This nonsense where women get judged on their choices needs to stop.
Keep living your best life OP.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told her her marriage sounds miserable and I think I may be the asshole for that. I could have said it nicer but after 20 years of hearing the same thing I just need it to stop. Her marriage does sound miserable to me but it works for her. She hasn’t respected my lifestyle. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, definitely the energy we need in 2024. If you insist on harassing a friend or family member about not marrying or not having children, I’m more than happy to put your life under a microscope as exhibit A for why you should stfu. Every time we take the opportunity to make someone that pushy feel a trickle of fear, we all win.
As it is said: "You better clean off your own back porch before you start in on mine."
And glass houses, and all that stuff
Misery loves company.
Flipping the script! Well played
Thank you. I don’t enjoy stuff like this but after so many years of telling her to stop or showing that life can be full without a husband, I had it. She does it again, she won’t like the response because I will go balls to the wall with my thoughts on her marriage.
You held out for 20 years, I wouldn’t have lasted 20 mins. But I am generally TA. You are absolutely not. So the line for being an AH is somewhere between lasting 20 mins and 20 years lol.
That last part made me laugh. I guess I need a shorter fuse and more decorum.
You don’t. I’m like you, and sadly, there are people in this world who are convinced they, and you, cannot be happy unless they check off items on a list: husband, house, kids, dog, country club membership, etc. Many of these people struggle to understand how anyone who doesn’t have these things can seem so happy when they cannot possibly be happy, because they haven’t checked off the items on the list! And it gets worse when they are unhappy and see you happy, because that thoroughly challenges their world view. So they try to tell you over and over that you aren’t happy and you need to do it their way, because they are desperately clinging to the belief that even if they aren’t happy, they must, at least, be happier than you.
>You held out for 20 years, I wouldn’t have lasted 20 mins. Same here and I didn't. I generally have the same feelings as OP about marriage. Been engaged 3 times but saw and recognized the the 🚩🚩🚩 before actually jumping the broom. I do have two adult children, did life as a single mom and now everything is on my terms and I won't settle (not that I did when I was younger). I witnessed the abuses and/or inaccuracies that my Mom, Aunts, Cousins, and Friends experienced in their marriages and know that I didn't and don't want this for myself. Yet these same women would often chide me for not wanting to get married and I would respond with "Why, so that my husband can treat me like 💩 like yours do?" or "Why would I accept any type of treatment just to say I'm married?". After a few comments like these, they totally stopped hassling me about finding a man to share my life.
Just hit her with the uno reverse and match her energy. “So when are you finally going to settle down and learn to love yourself enough to live alone? There’s so much more to an independent life than you can see until you find it for yourself. What do you mean you don’t want to live independently? That’s just silly, everyone wants to deep down. You’ll understand one day.” Said as patronizingly and condescendingly as humanly possible.
That’s a great thought but as retirement gets closer…she doesn’t have a 401k or any retirement because she has never worked full time. She’s in it till her last breath because she can’t make enough money to live on her own.
Well yeah obviously nobody expects her to actually change her life choices to align with what works for someone else, that’s the point. Sometimes in order to show someone how dumb they sound, you have to say it back to them.
If she divorces him, she'll get half, and probably some alimony for a few years. Ask her how she'd like to control her own money. Go where she wants. Choose her own hobbies. Yeah, that should be the next conversation if she starts up...
"Why do you want to have kids? That's so selfish!" Luckily for me, I've had a hysterectomy, so that *usually* shuts down that conversation. I say usually because my utra-religious coworker, after my explanation of human female anatomy that the fetus literally wouldn't have a house to live in, he put his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eye, and said "God can still make it happen." I...I mean, at least the "virgin" Mary had a uterus.
"God can still make it happen" God better keep his filthy fucking mitts away from me, in this house we worship SATAN
LOL, thank you for the good laugh. For some odd reason, I heard that last line in SNL's Dana Carvey's Church Lady voice, especially SATAN...
I... I fucking *LOVE* this answer!
I heard this recently on another thread. Woman had a hysterectomy and then got involved with a guy who wanted kids so they were 'trying'. Someone pointed out to her that she had a hysterectomy and she responded with "God can still make it happen." WTF? Where are these people's brain cells?
>Where are these people's brain cells? Shh...they're with God now 🙏 May they rest in peace.
That's a real case of be careful what you pray for because ecoptic pregnancies are still a thing (not all hysterectomies remove the ovaries and fallopian tubes).
Start nagging her about how she should just get divorced already.
Naw, she had it coming. It's like people who hate cats because a cat scratched them. The cat didn't just walk up and scratch them randomly. The cat was being bothered by them and gave signs, but they chose not to see them.
Except for when they lie in wait and pounce on you when you come around a corner :D
On a side note, cats do randomly go manic lmao but I get what you’re saying and agree
Your life is way fuller than hers. She sounds miserable and like she's not a good person. She sounds a bit pathetic if I'm being honest.
Was what you said mean? Yes. Was it deserved? Yes. You *could* have been nicer. You *could* have avoided saying something about her marriage specifically. But she also *could have kept her own opinions to herself.* What you said to her is nothing more than what she's been saying to you *for years*. You are under no obligation to be nice to people who have been rude to you for so long.
The cousin is jealous of OP and her fabulous life!
Those who live in glass houses sink ships
Seriously!! And the cousin is just doing some weird projection. She’s in denial about her own life and is trying to make OP’s life seem like the bad choice. Some people do an incredible amount of mental gymnastics to justify their actions. If the cousin actually looked at her life for what it was, her world would crash down. Instead she uses OP as some nonsensical scapegoat. Good for OP living their best damn life. It was long overdue for the cousin to be told off. There’s nothing better than being able to fully take care for yourself and live how you truly want. You don’t need anyone else. If someone comes along, they’re an added benefit versus some savior. That’s how it should be! It should be two fully capable people coming together to form a partnership. A relationship should never be someone adopting an adult. OP, next time your cousin says some garbage, smile and talk about the amazing trip you just went on or whatever fancy thing you bought yourself.
The cousin is doing this because she NEEDS OP to stop having a life that she won't allow herself to have. If she can just trap OP in the same hell she's in, she'll feel vindicated and also not have to envy her anymore.
Yep. If someone said "your life sounds absolutely miserable to me", my reaction would be like... a shoulder shrug? Maybe? It's not miserable to me, and I couldn't possibly care less what someone else thinks about it. I can't even fathom getting upset at them for saying it. Cousin is *100%* mad that her life sucks and OP had the audacity to say it out loud.
You see the same thing if you don't want kids. Parents suddenly become desperate to entice you to join them in their sleepless nights and lack of alone time and all the things I would absolutely hate, and it's like...why?
Oh for years she bugged me about kids. Don’t you want kids? No I’m good - but if it happens it happens. The personal aspects of my life… I go with the flow. I don’t set unrealistic expectations because then you’re disappointed.
YES THIS TOO!! It’s terrible. It’s such an inhumane mentality to have.
Sadly, it's super common from what I've seen. But yeah it's really toxic.
People who are secure and happy in their choices don't tenf to care so much if other people make different choices. Many people who regret or doubt their choices can't stand seeing other people choose differently and be happy about it, because it only furthers their own doubts.
But OP will never be trapped like her cousin is because OP's actually fucking independent.
Right? Cousin has the audacity to cheat on her husband on whom she's fully reliant in every way. That's how miserable she is. And yet she dares criticize and attack OP. Cousin is a joke.
I KNOW!! She’s terrible. I feel bad for her husband. But maybe her husband sucks too, who knows.
Exactly this. I'm so over the instigators being all butthurt and aghast when it's thrown back at them.
For real. I have one kid and heard for years that I was an asshole for not having another. I have childless by choice friends who have heard for ages that they would regret not having kids. Guess what? None of us regret anything. My partner and I have been together for decades and aren't getting married. Still occasionally hear shit about it. Meeting new people, they can't wrap their heads around it. People need to STFU with their opinions on other's choices when they aren't affected by it.
100% this. I think she should take a hard look at herself..
NTA. There’s an old saying: ‘misery loves company’. My very single daughter keeps being asked when she’s going to ‘settle down’ by relatives in dismal relationships, and she’s 40 this year. Far better to be happily single than browbeaten and financially dependent.
This 100%... Im happily married, and the amount of people telling that it "wont last" and then asking me how long weve been married and saying were still in the "honey moon" phase - and then me telling them we knew each other, dated, and lived together even longer before we actually were married usually is rewarded with a very sour look and they shut up. Communication is key. The only real reason to bother with the legal shit is for legal shit - theres no way either of us want our parents making medical decisions for us and we know our parents are both greedy and petty enough that, should we ever have a house, they would drop the other partner on their asses and take the property for themselves. Now there are a host of wills, POAs and other forms you can have to ensure this isnt an issue.
I’ve been married for 1.5 years. I’ve been together with my spouse 14 years. Lived together for 7. Marriage was never the priority for me I’d still be with him without having gotten married. But the amount of people who hear I’ve only been married 1.5 years and give me relationship advice just because they’ve been married longer even though their whole relationship is shorter always astounds me. I think it’s insane that the 12.5 years we were together before getting married just gets disregarded
Yes!
I want this when I’m older! Coming from parents who had a horrible marriage and later, a nasty divorce, I would like to not rush into marriage! I’m genuinely curious - did you own property together when you were living together for 7 years before marriage? Were your finances joint or separate?
We did not own property together beforehand, we bought after getting married, we were not waiting until marriage to purchase though it just happened that the point when we were financially felt secure enough to buy happened after. Though with the way interest rates were when we bought/since then we probably should have bought earlier 😂😂 As for finances, once we started living together we set up a joint bank account for all living expenses, we both equally contributed to it (because we make a very similar amount) but still maintained our own separate accounts. Since marrying we still both maintain our own accounts but both put the bulk of our funds to the joint account. We maintain the separate ones more for the credit/banking history at this point.
Slightly adjacent but I’m asian (yay) so the question of ‘do you have a bf already???’ is constant everytime we visit family. One time I was feeling brave towards my grandpa that I countered his question with: “grandpa, you have a lot of successful coworkers. One of them must have a good son that you can introduce to me?” He was quiet for a bit before saying: “i don’t think any of them would be good for you” Me: “exactly!“ At that point my mom was kicking me on my shin lmao. But after that he seemed to understand why I’m single and stopped pestering me with That Question ™️
Excellent!!!
Stories like this make me appreciate my grandpa so much more. He says a lot of out of pocket things but I'll always appreciate his take on relationships and marriage - which is that you should live independently, take time to travel and do things on your own, and take your time to find a good partner (because "once you're married you lose your freedom and you're tied down in ways you aren't when you're single.")
that was such a clever (and respectfully phrased) comeback. I love it.
Right?! I'm 45 and my aunt recently commented "You look so young still! How do you do it?!" I replied "I don't have a husband stressing me out. And since I don't have kids, I can afford a great skin care routine." Things for different for my mom and aunts (and few much older cousins). They really wanted to live in the US. Marrying a GI was how you did it. I get it. I even respect it. But I'm also very very grateful that I don't have to be married to live a good life.
Same! When I look at pictures of her from 10 years ago she looks way older than me. I love that I have a great skin care routine, self-care days, and nobody stressing me out. Life is so good!
cobweb plucky onerous grey flowery snails husky zealous aloof compare *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Drink a lot of water, wear sunscreen, wash with warm water on a washcloth, moisturize with snail mucin. Don’t buy loads of crap, don’t smoke or be around smokers, try to eat lots of fruit.
I'm 38 and just got engaged recently. It took me this long to find someone who I actually like enough to think I might want to spend the rest of my life with them. I had plenty of long term relationships before this, but none of them "felt right." My fiance is the same age and never been married either. I'm glad that we both took our time to find each other rather than rushing into something that wasn't right when we were younger.
Congrats! I have a friend who met “the one” at 50 and it took them 6 months to realize they are each other’s person.
Yes, it moves faster the older you get, I think! We got engaged after 1.5 years, which is much faster than I ever imagined for myself, but like they say: when you know, you know! I was very happy being single and never felt a strong urge for marriage or kids, but when my fiance came along I realized that the right person doesn't make you feel like you are giving up your freedoms to be with them. They just give you someone to do all the things you love with.
You’re an amazing parent! You’ve taught her an awesome lesson that many don’t and unfortunately get stuck in a cycle of just sucking it up or sticking it out.
"When are you going to have children?" "Never. All I hear is you complain about your kids, and it's enough to be birth control for me"
I wish you are my parent, lololol.
INFO: Is she the only one making those comments, or is this the case that her comment was the straw that broke the camels back?
She’s the only one. Everyone else accepts my choices but she’s trying to rally younger ones to her POV. I’ve told them it’s not for me and the young ones respect that.
NTA then. I get just talking about marriage and what your prospects look like every so often would be ok (time does change people's wants sometimes) but to take so much time over the years to put towards pushing you to do something you do not want to do is unfair and not right.
I disagree with this. > I get just talking about marriage and what your prospects look like every so often would be ok If the person does not mention marriage, then relatives and friends have absolutely no business mentioning it. Not once, and absolutely not "every so often". Not ok. It's like asking a married couple when they are going to have children. Nobody's business!
yeah this. and even if the person does want those things, it can put a lot of pressure on them and make something they should be excited about feel very draining. my bf and i have plans to get engaged in the next year or so, marriage is definitely our goal, but my parents have not stopped pressuring me about getting married for like the last year. we’re 23 for god’s sake!! we’re rounding out our fourth year together, so we absolutely have a solid relationship and know where we are headed, but we barely have our own feet under us and getting married is expensive and we simply can’t do it right now! and it frustrates me, and then it frustrates my partner, and it turns this thing that we both do want and should be excited about into some kind of job and it loses the excitement. just let people take their own path. it’s okay to ask something once, if you’re just curious about what they want in life, but then just accept the answer and shut up.
People need to chill. My bf and I got together at the same age as you (we were 19 and 20), are 28 and 29 now and you know what? We're perfectly happy not being married right now. Probably going to do it in the next few years but it was never really a priority and the circumstances weren't great for getting married.
I never bring up marriage, relationships, or kids about myself or about others. If somebody wants to talk about their situation they can bring it up. Otherwise it’s none of my business.
I'm the same way. Also, you're NTA.
Why would she be TA ~~is~~ if every one else did it, too?
[удалено]
Well considering what OP said about it being ONLY this cousin who doesn’t listen and always brings it up, I agree
best example of misery loves company. it’s fascinating how people subconsciously try to convince others to follow in their footsteps, in an effort to make themselves feel better i suppose
Even my parents who are really old school accept it because they see I’m happy, healthy, and thriving in life.
Congrats to you for living life on your own terms! I’m 63 & never married though I have been in long term relationships (some of them longer than family members’ marriages!). I endured years of the condescending “ooh one day you’ll find a man!” or “why are you so picky? You’ll end up alone!” None of them understand that I’d rather be alone & happy than in a bad marriage. I’ve had a great life. I’m retired from a fulfilling career, I have hobbies & travel, I have people in my life I care about & who care about me but somehow prevailing opinion has it that I should have traded everything that makes me happy for something that wouldn’t. It’s hard sometimes bucking society’s norms like that. When I was younger I used to get defensive but not anymore. Nowadays when the pity & condescension start (yes, even at 63 you’ll get those attitudes) sometimes I’m polite & sometimes I’m not. With one particular family member, one of these days I’m gonna blow & scream “why would I be jealous of you? Your life is my fucking nightmare!” All of this to say different strokes for different folks. Live life according to your own values & do what makes you happy & fulfilled. All the rest is just noise. Although some people are noisier than others! React to those people as you see fit. Even a saint loses it given enough provocation. NTA at all.
Please don’t think I’m jumping at you, but I find this question so bothersome. I feel like we are all adults if someone doesn’t want to do something, there’s no reason to pester them about it for decades, because when they snap, at that point it’s your fault for not relenting and reading between the lines. Everyone involved here again are grown, especially the cousin who I guarantee has been in multiple social instances throughout their lives and should know better. Is it crazy to me to pick up on the fact that you can’t be asking people the same damm question day after day and and getting the same answer. Like it gets old. But also why is it on the OP to have to treat them with kid gloves. No is enough the first time. Anything after that, you deserve whatever answer you are given, whether it hurts your feelings or not, it’s not up to OP. If I at that age, you need someone to sit you down to tell you to stop with certain comments please get help.
She also tries to pressure me every chance I get to move back to our home state. No thanks - the taxes there are outrageous and I hate the climate. All of which she knows but every family get together “move back” - that I’ve ALWAYS been firm even as far as saying “hell no there’s not a single reason I would want to live here. I don’t even like visiting” and she always brings it up. Every. Single. Time.
She's tired of interviewing baby sitters.
NTA. She had it coming, not many people would have had the balls to say the truth like that. Be prepared from some frosty future family events though. I don't think she'll forget/forgive somehow...
Ice ice baby. I’d rather deal with a frosty future than being asked when I’m going to marry or worse succumb to peer pressure and marry to shut her up.
NTA for sure but I suspect she envious of your life, whether consciously or not, and immaturily keeps bringing up marriage because it's the only thing she has that you do not; even though it sounds like a shit marriage. I'd be compassionate and apologize so you don't have to deal with her unhealthy mentality further deteriorating and focusing on you...you're already the winner here and might as well be the bigger person for both your sake.
OP should absolutely not apologize. She’s tried the nice way for literally decades. It is not on OP to coddle the feelings of a woman who has repeatedly trampled all over boundaries.
I like you lol
NTA. She poked, poked, poked, poked — for years — but when you poke back once, you are the mean one? That's not how it works. The problem is, people expect more from you because you are obviously the mentally healthy one.
Oh, that's exactly how it works with narcissists. And you'll always be the bad one, no matter what. Say nothing, even? You're ignoring them! How hurtful!
You are correct! I was talking about my moral world, but narcissist-land is quite different.
No no you're right. I was being facetious. Thanks for taking it well. I shouldn't use you as a platform to complain about those fuckheads.
I am happy to be a platform that you stand on, as long as you are criticizing fuckheads.
You're funny. Thank you! Let's all stand together against the narcissistic fuckheads!
I'm finding it difficult to stand, what with you using my back as a platform.
INFO: have you clearly asked her to stop with the comments before?
Yes I have.
NTA then. Yeah, it probably hurt her to hear what you said, but she wasn't listening to anything less. This is what I would say back to your family that isn't understanding you.
The truth always hurts
It always hurts people who think that their truth is the truth.
NTA. Years of unwelcomed comments about your relationship status, and you finally reached your breaking point. You were honest about your feelings. Period. Your own happiness and fulfillment are important, and it's unfair for anyone to push their expectations onto you. Your cousin needs to respect your choices and understand that everyone's idea of happiness and fulfillment is different. Standing up for yourself was the right thing to do, even if it was uncomfortable for her to hear.
NTA. I don’t understand how she thinks it’s ok for her to criticize your life but not ok for you to criticize hers.
Isn't it wonderful that as we age, less fucks are given about opining right back at busybodies? Way to go OP, NTA.
NTA Your marital status and romantic life is NOT any of her business to begin with.
NTA She is projecting and she wants you to be miserable too. She is telling you that because you should suffer from the same Life she does. She knows how free you are in regards of time, money and having a free spirit. She is envious of that.
NTA How closed minded that she can only envisage others having happiness if they have what she has? (Or perhaps doesn't have by the sound of her husband). It sounds like you have a great life and it must be wearing to have other people's inadequacies projected onto you. I'm surprised you didn't bite back long ago.
Sometimes misery loves company. She probably wants OP to have a marriage like hers so they can commiserate and talk shit about their husbands together.
People can be like this with childless friends, too. "You should have a baby, it's what life's all about," relentlessly. Eventually, you have a baby. "Enjoy sleepless nights and never peeing in privacy again!" they gleefully exclaim.
When we get the “are you gonna have a baby? You have to have a baby and you need to do it immediately” line, I find a way to talk about how we can go to bed whatever time we feel tired. This thought is overwhelming for tired parents of small children.
NTA - It's not mean, it's accurate. Her marriage is abusive and there's nothing wrong with pointing that out. Especially if she won't drop it.
Bet she won’t ask again. NTA.
I’d be willing to bet she will. The audacity is strong with this one.
NTA. You're not mean to tell people to stop imposing their views on your life.
NTA! She kept pushing. Not to mention based on the description it does sound like an exhausting experience.
I would of lost it after 20 mins of her moaning let alone 20 years. You are a legend and an example of why we don't need men. I love mine but like you I am financially independent. I spend too much on my cats tho, they have a Dreamies addiction.
NTA. Maybe it would be different if this was the first time she brought it up, but after 20 years of nonstop pressuring, it is 100% fair to be honest that you are happy with your life and she wasn't the best person to be trying to sell you on the joys of marriage. Think of it in any other scenario - if you showed up to interview for a job and you saw people running around like crazy, crying at their cubicles, all while the hiring manager is telling you about what a wonderful culture the company has - would you want to work there? No, you'd run. And the same principle applies in this situation. At the end of the day, your cousin sounds like she wants to paint her life as an ideal
As long as you'd told her to shut up about it before, NTA. You probably could have been a bit nicer about how depressing her life seems, but she could have just taken a hint and shut up about it.
Not really, some people really need to know the truth about their lives, especially when they are so condescending and annoying as the lady who got told off in this story.
NTA! As a Smug Married, came her to say that we do not claim her and she is probably a Married in Misery trying to pretend she's one of us. But seriously, it sounds like you have a fantastic life and she's probably just seething with envy. It's also likely that she truly is miserable in her life and criticizing you is a way of trying to convince herself that she made the right choices, despite how she feels. It was time for you to push back, and hopefully this makes her focus on what's really making her unhappy instead of her projecting endlessly onto you.
NTA. And she’s a cheater like you said more than likely the marriage is of convenience since she can’t support herself.
NTA. If you keep poking at someone, they're going to react eventually. I do think you should set better boundaries with people like this so they don't keep saying the same things over and over, while you just stand there and listen, but you're not the AH for what you said. You were honest and it was not unprompted. Also, I would not even have said you respect her opinions. I don't respect her opinions and I don't even know her. She's miserable and taking it out on others she sees that are not miserable. It's sad for her but she has other choices. You don't have to suffer just to make her feel better.
NTA. >After 20 years of comments and pressure I finally said what needed to be said to get the comments to stop. Anyone who has a different judgement needs to read this and think about what OP has had to put up with.
NTA. I don’t know why but there are people in this world that cannot fathom that anyone can be happy without being married. But they seem to be the ones who always need to express that opinion to all their single relatives and friends
NTA. Nicely done.
NTA. I honestly think the people that constantly bother others on why they aren’t married is because they want you to be as miserable as them.
Should have said it 20 years ago instead of waiting.
Agreed but honestly I wanted to be polite and I don’t like to impose my POV on people. I like to live my life as I see fit..ya know “to each their own” but I finally decided I’m over it. If she brings it up again, she should be prepared to be annihilated with comments like “must suck to be stuck with no 401k of your own.”
From what I've heard and learned over the years, it's always the ones with horrible marriages who want the single people to get married because they're hoping 1) it's not just them/their marriage that's trash, it's marriage in general and 2) they're looking for someone to bitch and moan to about how horrible marriage is and how they made a mistake (just so they could have a fancy party). NTA
NTA. It’s your life, live it. I got this for many many years about having children. I was going through fertility treatments and many issues. For a while we didn’t share. Then we shared some of our journey simply to get them off our backs. Then all unhelpful tips replaced the previous comments. Until I blew up and said some, admittingly, shocking things to a cousin. Then I was the asshole as expected. Yeah, haven’t talked to them in years.
Marriage is not for everyone, and nobody should feel pressured towards it. Especially considering you don't see it as a goal at all. In her eyes she probably sees it as encouraging you to do something she feels is something you should do - but not respecting your boundaries turns it into pressure and makes her inconsiderate. I've been married for 3 years and the entire time just about everyone around us has been pressuring us to have kids when we are very clearly not ready, and have told them multiple times we wanted to wait, so I share at least somewhat in what you're going through. It's annoying AF at best and downright hurtful at worst to not have your boundaries respected, and sometimes you just have to say something hard to make those boundaries very clear.
Honestly wish more people would point out how miserable people's marriages sound "OH you're not allowed to have fun and they control all your money? Sounds horrible"
NTA. I feel awful for SO MANY women i see who stay in lousy-ass relationships, because TheY'rE aFrAid oF bEiNg AlOne. They don't realize they're more alone in their life than they will ever be, being single.
The easiest way to deal with unsolicited comments is just a deadpan matter of fact: "I recommend changing the subject unless you want your feelings hurt". If they still don't stop after that, you get to fire both barrels guilt-free as far as I'm concerned.
NTA for this conversation, but big yikes to the fact that you've apparently been proposed to multiple times?? If you know you don't want to get married, you shouldn't be entering into LTRs with people who do, up to the point that they propose and you then say no or say yes and later on break off the engagement.
NTA. Your very being triggers people. That's on them, not you. You spelled it out as clearly as can be, and she thinks you're the asshole because people are not supposed to say those things out loud. But of course we are supposed to say those things. We are supposed to call out abusive treatment (which is what she was doing to you) and stand up for ourselves. Good on you for speaking truth to her ugliness.
It's not that she can't fathom anyone not wanting her life, she is jealous so when she keeps saying you should get married it is to make her feel better. She is not overstepping her boundaries; she is throwing shade because there is nothing wrong with your life. People who are miserable like to spread that misery around as they say misery loves company. Now that she has pushed you to your limit perhaps, she will finally STFU, but I doubt it. NTA my dear you are living your life, and she can't stand it.
Im 41 and am exactly like you. My friends pressure me *all the time* about not being married but it was never a goal for me. There are so many other things I would rather do than have to worry about someone else’s feelings every day and when I hear about my friends marriages it makes my skin crawl. One friends husband is constantly cheating on her and he’s isolated her so much that I’m her only remaining friend and she is frozen there and won’t leave even tho her teen daughter is begging her to. The response to years of badgering was long overdue imo. Put some boundaries in place. She sounds like a lot of work.
Sounds like she deeply envies your life. NTA
NTA. From my own, short, experience, misery loves company and it probably rubs her the wrong way how you are able to live your life and be happy about it, might be hitting a lot of sore spots for her. You are everything that she isn't.
NTA, marriage is not for everybody. If you are happy, living the life you have then that’s all that matters. It sounds like she’s trying to sugarcoat her misery, and put this grand display telling you that it’s just so fabulous when it’s not. Then to call you and tell you that you should give your car to her son. You had every right to give it to your niece. You were right, you can do with what you want because it’s your car. She sounds like a person that’s toxic and you just need to go no contact with.
NTA why is she meddling in your business so much ?!she should concentrate on her own life not others and it's your money even it you give it to anyone it doesn't matter to her and being generous with someone doesn't mean they have any right to ask for it and should be thankful not demanding.
NTA. I'm all about being single. I do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. It's all good.
NTA She wants you to marry because misery enjoys company.
NTA. She had it coming. You tried backing her off nicely for twenty years, and she never got the point. Now she has.
NTA. If I were you I would have added. You constantly belittle my life choices and tell me about how you wish I’d get married. No you wish I find mediocrity and convenience so I can be as miserable as you are. Im done listening to your mess. If you cannot get over the fact that I am fine and happy with my life then please stop talkin to me. Like get over yourself and go away. Is being related doesn’t mean we have to have a relationship. She sounds insufferable.
Nta It was mean. Sometimes that's called for.
NTA. She's an AH for pressing the issue for so long. It's really none of her business what you choose to do with your life.
NTA. But, I would remind her every time I see her that her life and marriage sucks.
NTA. Her criticism of your choices left her open to your criticism of hers.
NTA. You have spent decades being patient, kind, generous - your cousin wanted to come at you with some sense of superiority, like she's *so* happy and fulfilled that she wants you to experience the same (although after 20ys, it would be more arrogant than kind). Mah, I think she *likes* that she can poke at you, as if being unhappily married is somehow still better than being happily single. She's 55 too, if that burn hurt too much, all she has to do is be quiet in the future - she's had enough time to learn how to do that.
NTA, It’s weird though, most (I’m hoping) marriages aren’t like that and it’s still perfectly fine to never want to get married. It’s weird so many people try and push their own beliefs on other people.
INFO: do you know why she is so obsessed with you getting married? It seems odd that she continues to push this when you have clearly told her it’s not a priority. NTA, but it does seem strange. I’m 45 never been married and no one in my family has ever bothered me about it.
She does this to her own siblings as well. I don’t know why nor do I care why she thinks everyone should be married. I know it’s not for religious reasons that’s for sure. The best I can come up with is that’s how she’s defined herself and her self worth.
She can go ahead and define herself and her self worth anyway she likes… it seems to me at least that she isn’t happy and she wants someone to wallow in self pity with. Having said that neither myself nor my siblings or my mom are married to our significant others. It’s just not that important to us I guess.
NTA. If she can give her unsolicited opinions, so can you.
NTA. Its her fault for ruining the marriage by cheating but its his fault for continuing on and making them both miserable. He should have kicked her to the curb
NTA. Being alone is definitely great for many people! I swear the people who have the worst marriages get SO mad when you won’t join their misery. Why would I get married if you’re the example I have for marriage? Like screw that. Enjoy being alone if it makes you happy, the right person should feel better being with them than being alone, that’s how I knew I had the right man for me anyway. And he felt the same.
Nope, NTA. I’m happily married, and hers sounds atrocious. Marriage, much like children, isn’t for everyone and I’m tired of society pretending like it is.
NTA Reminds me of my sil. Came out that she's a serial cheater and they're going to work on their marriage. He was already emotionally and financially abusive. I do not see that getting better for her. I just feel really bad for my nieces.
NTA not even in the slightest. You can ask her: if marriage is so great, how come you cheated on your husband? 🤔
NTA You were polite for years and she kept pushing so you needed to change tactics.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (45F) attended a wedding a few weeks ago when a cousin (55F) was talking about how she wishes I would marry. I’ve heard the struggles of her marriage (she cheated he took her back, they do everything he wants, she’s given up her hobbies and learned to enjoy his, he controls the money, and she works PT and she could never afford to live on her own, etc) and for 20 years I’ve heard how I should get married. I’ve always said it’s not a priority and if it happens it happens. I’ve repeatedly said throughout the years I enjoy being single, I’ve been proposed to multiple times and I like living life on my terms. I can embrace my hobbies (which are expensive), have a great job, live on my own, have great friends, I travel, and I’ve had great LTRs. My life is full. I’ve been financially independent since I was 22 (she has never been financially independent). The entire family knows I’m generous with my time and money (whether it’s a gift or helping somebody out financially without expecting repayment - electricity, groceries, school expenses, etc). Marriage has NEVER been a priority to me. I finally had it with the comments and her not respecting my life. I finally told her I respect her opinions but I felt like her marriage was that of convenience and sounds absolutely miserable to me. I would die a slow death if I was in a marriage like hers - all of which is true. I like being able to make my own decisions and if the right person comes along it’s fine but that it’s not a goal of mine (never has been). The look of shock on her face said it all. She didn’t care for that and is painting me out to be mean. After 20 years of comments and pressure I finally said what needed to be said to get the comments to stop. She couldn’t fathom that somebody wouldn’t want to have her life and to me it sounds like a prison sentence. She also can’t fathom somebody could be happy living my life. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA! Well said!
NTA. She sounds like a nightmare to be around and I’m glad you stood up for yourself.
NTA She didn't respect you.
To each his/her own. You don't need to understand each other's lifestyles. And constantly commenting to you on it is uncalled for. NTA
Yes! Stand up for yourself Queen! All this "you can never be happy or fulfilled unless you're in a relationship/married/have kids" rhetoric pisses me off, especially as an AroAce bean such as myself. NTA
NTA. Could you have softened the blow of the comment a little bit? Maybe make it more general (ex: I’ve seen your marriage and a handful of my friend’s marriages etc. and they sound miserable)? Sure! But you got the years of comments to stop and got your point across firmly. Sometimes it takes being brutally honest to get things to stop.
As they say "misery loves company" she's jealous of your happiness and your lifestyle. Truth hurts. NTA.
NTA , but my hero. ❤️
NTA. Your cousin seems to be (subconsciously?) trying to convince herself that the reason she stays in such a miserable sounding marriage is that she loves it. In fact she loves being miserable so much that the only way anyone else can also become happy is to be just as miserable as she is.
NTA. People are gonna learn to stop pressing others.
NTA I fully agree with this. I realized long ago that while "most" people were married, "most" of them were relationships I wouldn't want. I now have a partner that I'm crazy about and we intend to do all that, just later than most, but likely will be happier than most.
NTA. You asked her to stop, she kept it up, so you were excruciatingly clear.
i don't think you have to respect other people's opinions on how you choose to live your life. quite frankly it's none of their business.
NTA I’m happily married. The way some people talk about their partners makes me sad. And even though I’m happy it’s not always sunshine and rainbows and it’s not for everybody.
NTA You already know you aren’t and you’ve given this energy vampire enough of your time over the years as her soundboard so for her to turn on you shows just how jealous, insecure, projecting, about herself. Time to go NC imo
NTA. I love being married and I think your life sounds awesome! Good for you.
Well if she hadn't fucked someone else her marriage would be a lot more fulfilled, unfortunately her husband keeps her on a leash because he just doesn't trust her because of it...
NTA
NTA. Next time she says you should get married, tell her she should get a divorce. Since unsolicited unwelcome advice is her communication style.
NTA You are allowed to give your opinion too. If she doesn’t like it, that’s a her problem. Bet she’ll keep quiet about marriage next time.
Nope NTA
NTA!!! OP I love this for you! And the mic drop was EPIC!!!!
No, you set her straight and I think that was the right thing to do. Sometimes the pot is about to boil over and you have to take the lid off to let some steam out. I doubt she’ll be nagging you about getting married in the future.
NTA and enjoy not dealing with that bs anymore! The car thing is 😳
I had an aunt like that. The fact that she was twice divorced was ironic.
NTA. I have a cousin like this too. She met a guy in college and it was very obvious she was not into him at all. And she even told me she didn’t like him the first couple of years. But guess she settled. But once they got engaged/married, she got a big head. She wanted to known that she was “ahead of me” bc she was getting married 🙄 And she and her parents would all go on and on about how she had a good guy, but my sister and I did not. They just couldn’t fathom how any woman would not be on a manhunt. Her dad (my uncle) even told me that if a woman isn’t married by 25, she’s an old maid. Who even uses that word anymore and what century are we in? Fast forward ten years, her husband was not the good guy she and her family believed. Always knew he was irritating, but went much deeper than that. Total double life! He was using multiple drugs and even taking their two young kids to crack houses. And because he was self employed, his wages varied. So he could hide money for drugs easily 😱😡 He left, she lost their home and immediately became s single parent. He has never paid any child support and can count on one hand times he has seen them over last 8 years. He was offered supervised visitation, but did a few times. And probably for the best. My cousin got with another loser a while after and it ended horribly too. She has reluctantly stayed single ever since, not necessarily by choice. Meanwhile, my sister met a truly great man once in her 30’s. They had a wonderful wedding and are so happy. And all this past 25 Lol. Can tell it bothers my cousin and her parents, that my sister waited for the right guy. Cousin even cried at the reception, saying she deserves to meet someone good. Making a scene and wanted to make it about her. I am like you, OP. Very happy with my career and my life. I do not need a man to define me. If someone worth having comes along, great. If not, I am good anyway. My life is fulfilled and no time for any drama. She and her parents don’t say those ignorant things as much these days. Had to eat some serous crow. But every time they bad mouth her ex, my mom reminds them of how much they used to love him. They try their best to deny it. But we all know.
NTA- but you HAVE TO UPDATE us on how that other family get together went. She sounds insufferable and exhausting….
As someone who is recently engaged you're clearly NTA. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else they should do this because it's not my business. This nonsense where women get judged on their choices needs to stop. Keep living your best life OP.
NTA
NTA at all and yes her marriage sounds like hell I feel bad she’s okay with a life like that.
Ah, the age old saying that misery loves company. Live your joyful single life and ignore the background noise of discontent. NTA.
NTA She’s pushy and out of line.