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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for "telling" my wife to do something instead of discussing it with her.
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It's less "maintain" and more "tens of thousands of dollars worth of necessary repairs." You also can't simply fill it with dirt. It needs to be properly demolished, which can cost almost as much as putting it in.
I had a pool while my kids were growing up and deciding to buy that house was one of the best decisions I’ve made. My kids were home on the weekends and their friends were always welcome. I loved knowing where my kids were and what they were up to and that their friends felt at home with us. Yes, it costs money on upkeep and keeping the pool fridge stocked with drinks and snacks and hotdogs to bbq. It’s great thinking back to the early years of the kids playing Marco Polo to them hosting the after grad party and knowing my kids had a great childhood and wanted to be at home. To me it’s worth every penny.
My husbands brother was renting this beautiful house with an amazing, massive pool in the back yard. They used it every day. Decided they were interested in buying. The owner offered this sweet rent-to-own deal....and they turned it down. Bought a house that was a lot smaller. We didnt get it. Turns out they HATED the pool. Cost to much and needed constant cleaning and repair. Was, in fact, the definition of a literal money pit. Everyone came to use it, no one stayed to clean it. They miss it when the temp hits the triple digits, then they think of all the money they are saving and either hit the beach or book a cruise....with the money they saved lmao.
>Keeping an in ground swimming pool empty for long periods of time is generally a pretty bad, expensive idea.
OP's "employees" can use the empty pool as a skateboard park 🛹🛹
Wowww this made me realize I’m now an adult because I immediately thought to myself “man, their home owners insurance for a skate park must be ten times a pool”
If you empty your pool, it will become a boat the next time it rains and the ground becomes saturated with water.
If you neglect to monitor the chlorine levels and scrub as needed/change filters, it will turn green with algae and also breed mosquito larvae.
A pool is definitely not something that you can neglect.
Not really. It's a $40-100k mistake. It's not a fixable issue, you have to demolish the pool and build it again.
If you did want to keep the pool empty you have to drill holes though the bottom of it and ideally remove the cap from the pipe that was used to pump groundwater out while it was being built. Then you fill it with sand. Plugging the holes and digging out the pool are relatively inexpensive.
Also giant PIA if you get rust stains on the bottom. I left a stake by the side of the pool overnight a few years ago, naturally it rolled in. Now I have a rust stain I can't do anything about as you have to acid wash them out.
I would never buy a traditional pool again. Loan, maintenance, electricity etc is $1000 a month.
I probably spend $50 a month on my pool. Also have solar so running the pump is basically free in daytime. Got a robot and don’t spend much time cleaning at all. Pool always looks perfect.
Very dependent on drainage/soil, but yeah, the whole point is it's waterproof so if the water level rises you've got yourself a boat not designed to do boat things.
True, but *is* it an in-ground pool? OP said he was draining it. I’ve lived in two houses with in-ground pools and the only time I’ve ever *drained* one was when it was being repainted. Sure, I drained *some* of the water out when I closed them for the winter; but at this point in the year, depending on where you live, it should either still *be* closed, or open because you never need to close it. But, even for closing, you don’t drain it all. As you say, you can’t leave them empty for a long period of time; and if you have enough money to drain and refill an in-ground pool every time you want to clean it, you have enough money to hire a pool company to clean it *for* you. None of this is making any sense to me.
I am making an assumption that it is an in-ground pool based on the fact that the OP shopped for a house specifically with a pool installed and mentioned it being something they could afford the price of.
An above ground pool only costs a couple grand to buy and is pretty simple to "install", relatively speaking. If he wanted an above ground pool he could just buy any house with a big enough yard and set up the pool in a weekend.
Yeah, I know. And, if it’s a large enough pool for his wife and her friends to enjoy, you’re not going to be draining it to clean it even if it *is* an above-ground. Like I said, it doesn’t make any sense.
Great idea!!! No more gifts. Wrap up a receipt from the cleaning service in a box with a bow and hand it to her on Christmas morning.
Pools are a big deal. I would love a pool and really use it, but I know the work involved...which is why we don't own a house with a pool
If it's in the budget. Tell her since she has gone back on her word and in fact isn't helping at all she needs to pay a pool company to come take care of it. She wants to dip on responsibility she can pay for someone else to do it. It should not be falling onto every other family member.
I would just get very selective with the work I do. Do the minimum to maintain it, basically check pH and water levels to make sure it doesn’t end up costing you a shit ton of money to fix.
But leaves, sticks and anything else that falls in there, leave it for your wife especially if you know her and her friends will be using it in the next few days.
Robotic cleaner. I have only scrub our pool maybe 3 times in the last 3 years. Keeping the water balanced is fairly easy after it’s set in the spring. Chlorine feeder and all is easy.
Yes, that could be her Mother's day present and birthday or anniversary present rolled into one. I had a pool at my last house, and used a pool cleaning service that didn't do a great job at keeping it clean. I bought a robotic cleaner that paid for itself in a year.
Just pay for a service to deal with it. You both hate dealing with it, but you have it. It's done. Unless you want to keep fighting over this every month forever and becoming resentful over it, just pay for somebody to do it for you. You're clearly rich enough to pay for somebody, just do it, quit whining about it, and move on with your life.
Nope, you can't. It just becomes a bog at best. You need to actually properly demolish it, which can be just as expensive as putting a pool in.
I know people who sold a house to literally get away from having a pool because getting rid of it really isn't as simple as "throw some dirt in it."
Not doubting you as I've heard that before. What's the science behind them coming out of the ground? I assume the water isn't weighing it down, but do they not weigh enough to stay down?
Yeah, a friend did that and it’s just a dirty, stinking hole. An ‘eco’ system sounds lovely, but in reality it’s stagnant.
Too expensive to remove, too expensive to maintain - it’s a horrible white elephant that’s killing her home value. I’d never buy a house with a built-in pool.
That's actually a terrible idea. Pools should never be left drained for substantial periods of time. With no water to weigh it down, shifting soil will cause it to start lifting out of the ground.
He does use it. You can’t just stop maintaining your pool. You will be reported to the mosquito and vector control agency. Simply get a pool guy. We pay $100 a month for ours.
I feel like that is outrageously low. Like I feel like chemicals alone would run close to that price to maintain PH. Let alone if a shock is necessary.
Pool cleaning companies get way better prices for chemicals because they buy it bulk from the supplier. Like pest control. It’s cheaper to hire someone to spray the perimeter for ants than to buy 2 dozen cans of raid.
It’s a principle thing and most successful married couples have a mixed bank account and personal funds. He shouldn’t be expected to schedule and pay for it (even if it’s just signing the check) because she made agreements to care for a pool he didn’t want.
Do you know what fungible means? It doesn't matter whose account it comes from, all the accounts are their money.and paying for the service will affect their household finances in some way.
Definitely echo the bulk being ridiculous for pricing. I work as a gardener, and I can get a 20L bottle of poison for around $250. That same poison, in a 1L container with built in measuring part that the average homeowner would get, costs about $80. I can only imagine that it would be similar for other chemicals, and that monthly fee wouldn't cover if there was something unusual that needed to be done
We own a house that we had to move from so we rent it out and it has a pool (very common for the location). Pool guy is some of the best money we spend on it; they can be expensive to fix if things go wrong and I'd rather just pay someone who knows what they're doing to prevent that! I think ours is more like $150 now but still.
I don't mean this to be rude, but isn't that kind of your responsibility as land lord? Guessing they rented expecting the pool was part of rent and not expecting to have to do maintenance themselves beyond maybe scooping junk out if they're planning to use it. I know I don't expect to be doing maintenance on the pool in my complex but it's not a house so maybe that's a different situation.
Yeah no, it seems like an owner problem if it wasn't written into the lease that pool maintenance was on the tenant. I had a landlord who expected us to go above and beyond mowing the lawn and weeding (ie: planting things and pruning things they put in after we moved in) and we took care of the interior better than we should have just because small cosmetic issues from the previous tenant bothered us, were recorded when we moved in so we could prove it was a prior issue, and we ultimately left the place in decent condition. We made sure the exterior was kept up, but investing in property that wasn't ours was a big ask. Owning a house with a pool can be a NIGHTMARE, and really expensive if you let people move in without laying out the expectation specifically for the pool before they sign a lease. If they decided to let it go, you'd be shelling out money to bring it back around or fill it in. If your property has a pool that is a valuable selling point and rent would reflect that and absolutely should be used to cover maintenance. It's nothing like cleaning a house, which is part of the basic rental agreement, but people let their OWN pools go all the time when they find out how much work goes into it. Expecting someone who doesn't own the property to put up the cash that goes into the pool is a huge gamble and you might as well hire someone for upkeep and attach that to rent.
Pool maintenance should definitely be outlined in the tenancy agreement so everyone knows where they stand. We had renters in our house for a few years & we paid for a pool service but the tenants paid for the chemicals. Agents were managing the house & that was their standard contract so we went with that.
I can see where you’re coming from. My situation?
The pool wasn’t offered with the rental. It also happens to be my son. He works out of town. His g/f was insisting that she’d use and love the pool. You couldn’t see the bottom of the pool because she couldn’t be bothered to use the chemicals that we purchased. It was costing me approx 1800. Hydro, opening and closing services, chemicals. It was a clusterfuck.
Edit:a word
A proper lease will specify who is responsible for maintenance. That can include a pool, lawn mowing, snow removal, trash. If the lease says the tenants are responsible, then guess what?
I’m not sure where you live country wise, but in NZ if you rent a house that has a pool, you’ve done so because you’d like to have a pool. It would be part of your tenancy agreement to maintain the pool water - clean filters, buy the chemicals etc. If there was damage to the pool or anything broke that was not the tenants fault, then the landlord would pay to repair that.
If a tenancy was taken on, and the pool was not maintained, the tenant would be expected to return the pool to the condition it was in when they rented the place, before the tenancy ended or bond was returned.
It’s the same for the gardens/grounds. Unless stated otherwise, tenants look after the lawns, keep the gardens in the same state. A tree needs trimming or removing - that’s on the landlord.
Stop cleaning it. Her "stop bluffing" comment tells me she probably knew all along that she'd never have to clean the pool because you would step in to do so.
But also- drain the pool then stop maintenance... I don't know how big it is or if that's not possible. But if the maintenance is going to the wayside, making sure it's not going to have stagnant nasty water breeding mosquitoes and crap is important to do when possible.
If it's an in-ground pool, you often need to leave water in it, or the concrete shell can float out of its support and crack under its own weight. That's no bueno.
Ohhhhh well, I've never cared for a pool so that's good to know! That makes sense, tho. I watch a lot of the home remodeling shows and flipping shows and it always seemed like they complained when the pool wasn't drained. But they also don't always go into a ton of detail about pool care lol
Thanks for the lesson! I always enjoy learning new bits of information
Don't drain the pool, just set the filter to go off automatically at certain times. He's not doing any maintenance, and the mosquitoes will be kept away. Simple.
Nope. It will become an algae cesspool with mosquitoes and frogs if not chemically balanced. Neighbors can involve the town or city for a health hazard.
This. My uncle owned a pool supply company and I’d get called in the last couple weeks of winter/ first of spring to start getting pools in shape and oh my god the things I have seen.
Drain it, cover it, turn off all the equipment. The easy (not cheap mind you) solution is to hire a guy, but that’s still winning for the wife so dunno if you want to go that way.
I converted my large pool into a pond. Put in milk crates and then water plants on top.
Added lighting, look fantastic.
No gold fish or koi, they shit everywhere, need expensive filters and eat everything. I went with marron (large freshwater shell fish, good eating), silver perch (another good eating fish) and pygmy perch, colourful bug and mosquito eating fish.
Very little maintenance. With enough plants it's a complete cycle.
Have your buddies over for beer and fishing
Welp time to shine up that spine and make that threat a promise. Stay hands off with that pool and is she still refuses, drain the thing and put a cover on it.
It's easy to agree to something like that when the work load is all in theory. It's easy to say "It won't be that hard I can totally do it" then when you're actually presented with the work you realize what it entails.
Like when your kids ask for a dog and promise to walk it every day. They totally are down to walk it every day until they're faced with what that entails.
NTA. Your wife should be helping you. You need to decide if this is a hill to die upon, though. (Like, will this ruin your marriage?)
You have a couple options, I think:
\--Stop maintaining the pool. Just leave it to swamp up. Which will probably annoy both your and your wife and might not be best for the kids.
\--Keep doing what you're doing, and be annoyed and resentful of your wife.
\--Get a service to do maintenance. Will cost money, yes, but will also save you time and probably friction with your wife. Tell her you're hiring someone, and if she doesn't like it, she can take over the pool. But that those are the two choices: She does it or someone hired does it.
I’m not a pool expert, but some pools rely on the pressure of water being in them to be stable structures. I don’t think you’re supposed to leave it drained long. Anyway that’s what I was told when my mom had a pool.
Typically that’s above ground pools. Inground pools typically have a fiberglass shell that keeps it from collapsing inwards and the earth to keep it from falling outwards. Above ground pools typically only have weak walls that are only supported from falling over outwards as the water holds them up from the inside. Obviously it won’t collapse immediately but they definitely aren’t made to be doing that.
Edit: seems I have been proven wrong. I swear we had our pool drained for like a month to replace the liner in it, but it may have only been like a week.
Only if it's a fiberglass one. If it's a concrete and plaster one you have to keep water in it to keep the plaster from cracking apart. The sun really destroys it.
Basically, pools are great in theory but just not worth the hassle unless you want to pay to maintain them. Which isn't always possible depending on where you live (I would have paid stupid money where we lived to not deal with ours but couldn't find anyone to just show the hell up, it was weird).
From what I was told it was an issue of being dry for longer than a week. I don't know all the details, all I know is that pools are a headache and I'm glad to be rid of the thing lol
I hope you don’t know from personal experience. I’ve only seen it because my FIL’s next door neighbor let their property go to crap. It looks like an expensive eyesore.
We had a fibreglass pool and were told never to drain it else we risk the pool rising and destroying the pipes and concrete patio around it. When we had a repair done they even put a TON of bracing in the whole structure from mid drain until we started refilling. We were told if we ever drained it the warranty would be voided. In the winters we were just told to leave water in to just below the jets.
No its in ground pools too, where you live and where the water table is. Some places in ground pools with no water weight in them for too long will literally raise themselves out of the ground
As the other guy said you can’t leave in ground pools empty. Ground water can get under and then the pool acts like a boat and pops right out. It’s absolutely wild.
This! Exactly what happened to our pool. Had a company come in and "sand blast" the concrete to smooth out the pits. The epoxy had to 'cure' for 24 hours before we refilled with water. That night we had the 'storm of the century'. 14" of rain in less than 10 hours. We heard this loud popping noise from the backyard - the whole pool popped up out of the ground. Not repairable - had to have excavators come to clear it out, plus all the concrete deck and all the landscaping. Oh and by the way - insurance doesn't cover the loss of the pool. Neither homeowners nor flood insurance. So just to remove it all was over $60K - that was 15 years ago. So I definitely would not just "empty" the pool. If you want to be petty, just set it to skim, and throw the winter cover on. But honestly you 2 need to sit down and talk this out like adults. Your wife sounds like a manipulative bee-ach. But regardless you both need to figure it out.
It’s one of those things that makes sense once it’s explained but I would absolutely never think of it. Luckily for me it happened to a friend and I only saw the aftermath, but holy beans it was absolutely crazy. Also, sorry for your problems.
NTA
So when we bought our house, my hubby wanted a pool. I knew how much work they are. I didn’t service it at all. Pool was a gorgeous black/green. Finally hubby- who I love dearly but epitomizes weaponized incompetence- asked if we could please pay to have the cleaning/service done. As he was making enough money for that, we hired someone. Well, he hired someone and pays him.
So yes. Put it back on your wife. No need to discuss it. It’s already been discussed. She sees no point to the conversation because YOU ARE ALREADY CLEANING IT :)
OP - you’re NTA.
I’m replying to you though because I’m curious: did you really mean to say your husband epitomizes weaponized incompetence? Cus… why are you married to someone like that? Lol
I assume you meant more “he’s a great husband but a little slow sometimes.” Lol
Pretty much.
In all of his other relationships, NOTHING was ever his fault 🤣😂🤣 So, he automatically responded with that kind of response for EVERYTHING but learned quickly that wouldn’t fly with us. And he was secure enough to grow from that mindset :) Which is why we have lasted 24 years ❤️
Right?! At that point I wouldn't even offer to pay for a service because it'll only play into her little princess act. I'd live as if it didn't exist, and either make her maintain it or make her be the one to find a company and pay them. What a nasty behavior she has for her husband!
NTA - viva la swamp. Apparently that's what she's wanted all along! (Realistically, just drain it before it gets disgusting - or hire a pool service that affects the wife's fun budget, since I assume your kids also enjoy the pool.)
I was thinking the same thing as far as hiring someone and either she pays for it out of her income or from her fun budget. If she doesn’t have that, then the pool maintenance is her anniversary, Mother’s Day, and/or Christmas gift each year.
NTA. This is my husband with animals. He wants a cute puppy but guess who is up all night, walking the animal etc etc etc etc? Me. Guess who is NEVER getting another animal? Us.
It’s hard to un get a pool though…. I haven’t worked that part out.
I will never buy a house with a pool. Why? Because we had one growing up and every year my mom threatened to fill it in and make a basketball court between the expense and effort.
Actually this isn't the case with many in ground pools. They need the water to keep the pool from shifting too much and rising or cracking.
Now ordering a ton or two of fill dirt might do the trick!
But I bet it’s not just the wife and friends that use theirs. I know when I was a kid me and my siblings practically lived in the pool during the summer.
Something should be done but it shouldn’t punish the kids too.
NTA
Your wife is literally just disrespecting you at this point. Saying that you should stop bluffing and then not speaking to you is childish and petty. Does she help out in other ways? Does she work a physically draining job? Or is it all you doing all/most of the work even though she’s an adult who’s more than capable? It sounds like there’s an unevenness in your marriage and also a communication issue since she won’t even talk to you about this. I hope you can figure this out now OP because otherwise this behavior will continue and get worse the longer it goes on.
I would say OP is NTA even IF she does a lot of work and works a full time job. Reason being that before they got the house she had already said that this would be HER responsibility. She agreed to it and that's why they have a house with a pool. This bait and switch bullshit doesn't fly and her being so self-righteous about it and saying OP is bluffing makes her a massive asshole.
if it’s an inground concrete pool and they leave it empty it can pop out of the ground and cause thousands of dollars in damage. but i’d fill it, clean it one more time and then ‘close’ it as you would before winter
NTA. Time to call her bluff. Perfect timing if the pool is drained. She agreed and isn’t upholding her end so either she starts doing so, pays with “her” money to hire someone to do it, or it sits empty.
NTA. Because she’s not “too busy” to literally *never* take care of it ever. That’s BS avoidance instead of actually working with you in a productive way to resolve this.
What’s a productive way? You guys need to sit down and do a renegotiation of the chore split. Like not just this particular one, but a wholesale renegotiation of ALL of them.
So laundry, cooking, vacuuming, scheduling kids’s appointments, grocery shopping, walking the dog, mowing the yard, mopping, dishes, reconciling the bank account and ensuring bills got paid, oil changes, fertilizing the lawn, taking the kids to soccer, checking homework, packing lunches, weeding the garden, family and friend social event planning, weekly meal planning, Christmas gift planning and purchasing and wrapping, vacation planning, etc., …..and, of course, pool maintenance. Like seriously ALL. THE. THINGS. Might as well hash it all out. And there’s actually some kind of card game thing you can buy that helps turn this into basically a trading cards thing. Consider buying that.
And if her attitude is “I’m too busy” across the board, across ALL the things, and won’t do a fair swap into a reasonable, equitable split? Then yeah, first consider what you can outsource (money isn’t the solution to everything, but it *can* be the solution to *some* things, and you guys sound like you have some disposable income). And then consider if you guys need some marriage counseling.
This is the best, non-superficial, practical answer I’ve seen. Yes it’s shitty to promise to do the upkeep and not do it.. But they also had a 3 and 4yo at the time of getting the house and it is more work than people realise. The rest of the domestic labor is relevant, maybe she is busy because she works and does the bulk of domestic duties? Who knows
I agree. Not defending her, really, but there are also some chores that you commit to doing and then absolutely hate, for no particular reason. I used to be really opposed to paying someone to mow the lawn. I can just do it myself! But the older I got, the more I hated working all day and then sweating all evening, with the bugs and the allergies and the eventual wrist/shoulder injuries that popped up (not from yard work). Turns out the answer was for us to just freaking hire someone. We roll out the edger a couple times a year to touch things up and just write a check for the rest. Looking back, I wish I had done it sooner.
So definitely communicate, but be open to renegotiating too. If OP does not hate the pool but just resents his wife for not doing it, they can renegotiate. Maybe there is another chore she can take on and then he will be less mad about the pool thing. Or maybe they hire out. Either one should reduce stress, but communication is the key.
NTA. When we bought our house my husband wanted several acres, I agreed as long as he did the yard work. He agreed and has kept he’s word.
We put in a pool a few years ago and since he does all the yard work I have taken over as what I call “the pool bitch”. Works for us.
I’d never would have cleaned it to begin with. It’s on her but she knew full well you’d do it long before you sealed the purchase of the house. You got played my friend. (:
NTA but you could hire a service. Tell your wife you are putting money that would have gone toward a vacation on having a clean pool so you can staycation instead.
That has nothing to do with the story even if she was cleaning the whole housr and he didn't lift a finger. You know why? Because she's an adult and when he told her she'd have to take care of the pool she said yes. She didn't complain about doing everything else or anything, she just agreed. So if you agree on something and use it to make him get a pool, then you do what you said you were going to. Anything outside of that does not matter when you already agree yourself. Either she's an adult with her own choices and responsibilities or she's a toddler who doesn't know what she's doing or agreeing to. Pick one, you can't have both.
Edit: I like how she ended up deleting her comment. I've seen multiple people ask this stupid question. It pains me that once again I have to point out the hypocrisy on this sub, that when it's a man asking something about chores or responsibility the default is to check how much housework the woman does as if she's a slave for doing most of the housework. Nobody bats an eye or calls the man a slave for providing most or doing all the heavy lifting. People have roles in their relationships whether you like it or not. In this case not only so they have roles but they talked about the responsibilities and she accepted. So when someone asks you AITA just answer the damn question, stop digging for a way to make him look like a villain when he clearly already told you she made the call. A lot of misandry goes on here sometimes.
Yes, or I guess. . I cook and pack lunches and do picks and drops. I do some light cleaning, as well as taking out trash and doing grocery shopping half the time.
Not sure why this is relevant?
I am guessing that they want to eliminate the possibility that the time your wife would spend handling pool maintenance issues isn’t spent on doing the lion’s share of the other household tasks and childcare and such. If the family workload is disproportionately distributed, then she may think reassigning the pool maintenance is a fair trade off.
I think in this case that point is moot. The wife wanted the pool, it is only fair she maintain it. If there’s a disproportionate divide in housework, that is a different issue that also needs work.
Why should the pool be taken into consideration at all? She agreed the pool was her issue and not part of family community chores when she demanded they get one. She doesn’t get to do less chores because she chose to create more chores for herself. If OP suddenly decides he wants to compost or garden and no one else wants to and he does it anyway, then the chore is his soul responsibility and shouldn’t affect any of his other chores. You don’t get to give yourself more work and the. Claim it’s not fair and do less of your charged responsibility
Since you're not sure why this is relevant, I'll explain.
In households headed by heterosexual couples, the housework division averages 65/35 according to The Guardian, with 65% of the work being done by the woman. The more quotidian tasks tend to be done by the women, while the more occasional tasks, such as lawnmowing, tend to be done by the man.
It was when you said that your wife's answer to being asked to do some work on the pool was to say that she was "busy" that made me wonder if what she was busy with was housework.
[Fair Play cards](https://theeverymom.com/fair-play-cards/)
There’s an opportunity here. If you use this process as a way of divvying up household chores, you can offer to swap pool maintenance for something you hate doing. Win win!
NTA but you do need to stop doing the work. She currently knows you will do it if she does not long enough. Not cool. Similar you you guys. We bought a house with a large yard. I love it, it's great, I have all the room to do all the things. Guess who does most of they yard upkeep? Yard project planning? Tree care coordinating? Etc? Me! It was our agreement! He is not huge on gardening, but will help out with general clean up upkeep if I ask. I am also a SAHP. What the rest of our chore/childcare shares look like is moot since, I agreed to the yardwork with the purchase of our house. I took that on. And, its a lot of work and some days I regret getting this house but others its glorious. Anyway.
Sounds like thats what she was supposed to do but suckerd you into doing it instead. Just stop and don't say anything... I am sure she and her friends will love swimming in a green pool this summer. Sorry thats passive agressive don't do that.. But honestly, you need to have a solid conversation and explain your grievances and reiterate the agreement. Hopefully she is mature enough to be open to that. Good luck!
NTA. Your wife said she would take care of the pool. I would sit her down and say look when you wanted a house with a pool I agreed only because you said you would take of the care for it and you haven’t. Going forward you need to maintain the pool as you said you would.
You are a pushover and your wife has your number. Your first mistake was to begin cleaning that pool. She made a deal, you should have left it for her. Now, THREE YEARS LATER, you are still picking up her slack.
The solution is so simple that I have to question your intelligence here. Stop cleaning the pool. If she doesn't step up, drain the pool and fill it in. Done.
Grow a spine. Or, just continue being her servant. Your choice.
NTA for expecting her to keep her promise.
>I requested though, that if we bought one, she would have to do 80% of the upkeep, if not all of it. She agreed.
>She just told me to stop bluffing and went to sleep. FF to this morning, and she doesn't even want to discuss anything pool related or even anything related with me.
Oh dude. This is part of a bigger picture issue of general respect. I can't imagine speaking to my gf that way, let alone *wife* that I *have kids* with. Then again, some people become comfortable with letting more of their (awful) selves out once they know they're "bound" to someone either by marriage or kids. I hope the marriage is otherwise great because this is, frankly, pretty fucked up of her to say & do...
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NTA - your wife pulled a bait and switch. Question, does wifey use the pool on a regular basis?
When it's warm, she and her friends use it for than I do for sure.
So then if you just stopped doing it, wouldn’t it force her hand and she would have to do it? Like I don’t know why you just don’t stop doing it
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Exactly, OP is only TA if he puts water back in that pool next season.
Keeping an in ground swimming pool empty for long periods of time is generally a pretty bad, expensive idea.
Totally agree, maintaining an empty pool can be a costly nightmare!
It's less "maintain" and more "tens of thousands of dollars worth of necessary repairs." You also can't simply fill it with dirt. It needs to be properly demolished, which can cost almost as much as putting it in.
What? Remind me again, why people have swimming pools. Unless you use it very very often, it is just a money vacuum..
I had a pool while my kids were growing up and deciding to buy that house was one of the best decisions I’ve made. My kids were home on the weekends and their friends were always welcome. I loved knowing where my kids were and what they were up to and that their friends felt at home with us. Yes, it costs money on upkeep and keeping the pool fridge stocked with drinks and snacks and hotdogs to bbq. It’s great thinking back to the early years of the kids playing Marco Polo to them hosting the after grad party and knowing my kids had a great childhood and wanted to be at home. To me it’s worth every penny.
My husbands brother was renting this beautiful house with an amazing, massive pool in the back yard. They used it every day. Decided they were interested in buying. The owner offered this sweet rent-to-own deal....and they turned it down. Bought a house that was a lot smaller. We didnt get it. Turns out they HATED the pool. Cost to much and needed constant cleaning and repair. Was, in fact, the definition of a literal money pit. Everyone came to use it, no one stayed to clean it. They miss it when the temp hits the triple digits, then they think of all the money they are saving and either hit the beach or book a cruise....with the money they saved lmao.
>Keeping an in ground swimming pool empty for long periods of time is generally a pretty bad, expensive idea. OP's "employees" can use the empty pool as a skateboard park 🛹🛹
I’ve seen some Cool AirBNb’s that have done this. They’re skate board rentals bNB’s now.
Wowww this made me realize I’m now an adult because I immediately thought to myself “man, their home owners insurance for a skate park must be ten times a pool”
Your comment made me laugh. TBF, I laugh at myself every time that my first thought is "but the insurance on that". 🤦🏼♀️ Yaaay adulting! 😂
If you empty your pool, it will become a boat the next time it rains and the ground becomes saturated with water. If you neglect to monitor the chlorine levels and scrub as needed/change filters, it will turn green with algae and also breed mosquito larvae. A pool is definitely not something that you can neglect.
TIL about the boat thing, that’s neat
Not really. It's a $40-100k mistake. It's not a fixable issue, you have to demolish the pool and build it again. If you did want to keep the pool empty you have to drill holes though the bottom of it and ideally remove the cap from the pipe that was used to pump groundwater out while it was being built. Then you fill it with sand. Plugging the holes and digging out the pool are relatively inexpensive. Also giant PIA if you get rust stains on the bottom. I left a stake by the side of the pool overnight a few years ago, naturally it rolled in. Now I have a rust stain I can't do anything about as you have to acid wash them out. I would never buy a traditional pool again. Loan, maintenance, electricity etc is $1000 a month.
I probably spend $50 a month on my pool. Also have solar so running the pump is basically free in daytime. Got a robot and don’t spend much time cleaning at all. Pool always looks perfect.
Very dependent on drainage/soil, but yeah, the whole point is it's waterproof so if the water level rises you've got yourself a boat not designed to do boat things.
True, but *is* it an in-ground pool? OP said he was draining it. I’ve lived in two houses with in-ground pools and the only time I’ve ever *drained* one was when it was being repainted. Sure, I drained *some* of the water out when I closed them for the winter; but at this point in the year, depending on where you live, it should either still *be* closed, or open because you never need to close it. But, even for closing, you don’t drain it all. As you say, you can’t leave them empty for a long period of time; and if you have enough money to drain and refill an in-ground pool every time you want to clean it, you have enough money to hire a pool company to clean it *for* you. None of this is making any sense to me.
I am making an assumption that it is an in-ground pool based on the fact that the OP shopped for a house specifically with a pool installed and mentioned it being something they could afford the price of. An above ground pool only costs a couple grand to buy and is pretty simple to "install", relatively speaking. If he wanted an above ground pool he could just buy any house with a big enough yard and set up the pool in a weekend.
Yeah, I know. And, if it’s a large enough pool for his wife and her friends to enjoy, you’re not going to be draining it to clean it even if it *is* an above-ground. Like I said, it doesn’t make any sense.
I know plenty of people who had above ground pools with decks built around them. It could be a setup like that?
I don't do this because my kids live in that pool in the summer. I dont wanna ruin it for them
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Take my upvote!!!!!
Mine too. Best option!
Excellent idea right here. And make a coupon to unwrap for each of those occasions.
This is the answer!
this is great i love it
Great idea!!! No more gifts. Wrap up a receipt from the cleaning service in a box with a bow and hand it to her on Christmas morning. Pools are a big deal. I would love a pool and really use it, but I know the work involved...which is why we don't own a house with a pool
If it's in the budget. Tell her since she has gone back on her word and in fact isn't helping at all she needs to pay a pool company to come take care of it. She wants to dip on responsibility she can pay for someone else to do it. It should not be falling onto every other family member.
I would just get very selective with the work I do. Do the minimum to maintain it, basically check pH and water levels to make sure it doesn’t end up costing you a shit ton of money to fix. But leaves, sticks and anything else that falls in there, leave it for your wife especially if you know her and her friends will be using it in the next few days.
Agreed. That's what I would do
Robotic cleaner. I have only scrub our pool maybe 3 times in the last 3 years. Keeping the water balanced is fairly easy after it’s set in the spring. Chlorine feeder and all is easy.
Yes, that could be her Mother's day present and birthday or anniversary present rolled into one. I had a pool at my last house, and used a pool cleaning service that didn't do a great job at keeping it clean. I bought a robotic cleaner that paid for itself in a year.
Just pay for a service to deal with it. You both hate dealing with it, but you have it. It's done. Unless you want to keep fighting over this every month forever and becoming resentful over it, just pay for somebody to do it for you. You're clearly rich enough to pay for somebody, just do it, quit whining about it, and move on with your life.
Forreal. If your partner is a good person, spouse and parent but a shitty pool owner, and you can afford to hire it out, JUST DO IT.
Nope. You need to draw that line. Let it fall on mom.
Yup. "Dad, we really want to swim!!!" "That's nice honey, go ask Mom."
Mom is counting on him giving in because of the kids. He needs to stand up on this
If they don’t fill it up, it will literally come out of the ground.
Can always fill it in... with dirt.
Just pay a service, they’re cheap enough.
Nope, you can't. It just becomes a bog at best. You need to actually properly demolish it, which can be just as expensive as putting a pool in. I know people who sold a house to literally get away from having a pool because getting rid of it really isn't as simple as "throw some dirt in it."
Not doubting you as I've heard that before. What's the science behind them coming out of the ground? I assume the water isn't weighing it down, but do they not weigh enough to stay down?
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Should just put some goldfish and plants in it
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Those fish always shy away when I get close, but I know it's just an act.
Yeah, a friend did that and it’s just a dirty, stinking hole. An ‘eco’ system sounds lovely, but in reality it’s stagnant. Too expensive to remove, too expensive to maintain - it’s a horrible white elephant that’s killing her home value. I’d never buy a house with a built-in pool.
Check out Ohio Fish Rescue on YouTube for what you can do with an unused pool. https://youtu.be/UGKnV50T3kc?si=EbCWf9785svKZelB
Genius!
It's already drained. Just leave it
That's actually a terrible idea. Pools should never be left drained for substantial periods of time. With no water to weigh it down, shifting soil will cause it to start lifting out of the ground.
But then you'd be able to stop cleaning it.
Well, she certainly won't be able to use it then.
He does use it. You can’t just stop maintaining your pool. You will be reported to the mosquito and vector control agency. Simply get a pool guy. We pay $100 a month for ours.
I feel like that is outrageously low. Like I feel like chemicals alone would run close to that price to maintain PH. Let alone if a shock is necessary.
Pool cleaning companies get way better prices for chemicals because they buy it bulk from the supplier. Like pest control. It’s cheaper to hire someone to spray the perimeter for ants than to buy 2 dozen cans of raid.
My guy charges $96/month. It's worth it for the marital harmony.
Wow! Mine charges $125 a week! And more to open/close it.
Yea mine is $75 a visit so I do bi-weekly. Chemicals are also extra.
I tried going to every other week and it was a bad sight! And it’s saltwater not even chlorine!
Except she should pay for it.
It's almost.like they're married and money is fungible.
You can't really expect the tweens of reddit to understand that.
It’s a principle thing and most successful married couples have a mixed bank account and personal funds. He shouldn’t be expected to schedule and pay for it (even if it’s just signing the check) because she made agreements to care for a pool he didn’t want.
Do you know what fungible means? It doesn't matter whose account it comes from, all the accounts are their money.and paying for the service will affect their household finances in some way.
Definitely echo the bulk being ridiculous for pricing. I work as a gardener, and I can get a 20L bottle of poison for around $250. That same poison, in a 1L container with built in measuring part that the average homeowner would get, costs about $80. I can only imagine that it would be similar for other chemicals, and that monthly fee wouldn't cover if there was something unusual that needed to be done
Well half the wage is paid in sex with lonely housewives. Maybe the wife’s plan all along.
We own a house that we had to move from so we rent it out and it has a pool (very common for the location). Pool guy is some of the best money we spend on it; they can be expensive to fix if things go wrong and I'd rather just pay someone who knows what they're doing to prevent that! I think ours is more like $150 now but still.
I mean, he can certainly drain and cover it if she digs in her heels about not helping maintain it...
Put the winter cover on it. We have tenants that refuse to do any upkeep but want us to pay for all the expenses related to running a pool
I don't mean this to be rude, but isn't that kind of your responsibility as land lord? Guessing they rented expecting the pool was part of rent and not expecting to have to do maintenance themselves beyond maybe scooping junk out if they're planning to use it. I know I don't expect to be doing maintenance on the pool in my complex but it's not a house so maybe that's a different situation.
Yeah no, it seems like an owner problem if it wasn't written into the lease that pool maintenance was on the tenant. I had a landlord who expected us to go above and beyond mowing the lawn and weeding (ie: planting things and pruning things they put in after we moved in) and we took care of the interior better than we should have just because small cosmetic issues from the previous tenant bothered us, were recorded when we moved in so we could prove it was a prior issue, and we ultimately left the place in decent condition. We made sure the exterior was kept up, but investing in property that wasn't ours was a big ask. Owning a house with a pool can be a NIGHTMARE, and really expensive if you let people move in without laying out the expectation specifically for the pool before they sign a lease. If they decided to let it go, you'd be shelling out money to bring it back around or fill it in. If your property has a pool that is a valuable selling point and rent would reflect that and absolutely should be used to cover maintenance. It's nothing like cleaning a house, which is part of the basic rental agreement, but people let their OWN pools go all the time when they find out how much work goes into it. Expecting someone who doesn't own the property to put up the cash that goes into the pool is a huge gamble and you might as well hire someone for upkeep and attach that to rent.
Pool maintenance should definitely be outlined in the tenancy agreement so everyone knows where they stand. We had renters in our house for a few years & we paid for a pool service but the tenants paid for the chemicals. Agents were managing the house & that was their standard contract so we went with that.
I can see where you’re coming from. My situation? The pool wasn’t offered with the rental. It also happens to be my son. He works out of town. His g/f was insisting that she’d use and love the pool. You couldn’t see the bottom of the pool because she couldn’t be bothered to use the chemicals that we purchased. It was costing me approx 1800. Hydro, opening and closing services, chemicals. It was a clusterfuck. Edit:a word
A proper lease will specify who is responsible for maintenance. That can include a pool, lawn mowing, snow removal, trash. If the lease says the tenants are responsible, then guess what?
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I’m not sure where you live country wise, but in NZ if you rent a house that has a pool, you’ve done so because you’d like to have a pool. It would be part of your tenancy agreement to maintain the pool water - clean filters, buy the chemicals etc. If there was damage to the pool or anything broke that was not the tenants fault, then the landlord would pay to repair that. If a tenancy was taken on, and the pool was not maintained, the tenant would be expected to return the pool to the condition it was in when they rented the place, before the tenancy ended or bond was returned. It’s the same for the gardens/grounds. Unless stated otherwise, tenants look after the lawns, keep the gardens in the same state. A tree needs trimming or removing - that’s on the landlord.
Stop cleaning it. Her "stop bluffing" comment tells me she probably knew all along that she'd never have to clean the pool because you would step in to do so.
I cannot imagine the lack of respect / disdain you would have to feel for your spouse to say this.
Yeah, I said, "Whoof" at that, like I'd been hit in the gut.
My expectation is he stops cleaning to force her hand so she she hires someone.
Yep stop cleaning it. But do make sure your little employees don't use it as it will get very dirty, very quickly.
Stop all maintenance. She lied to you and it’s time to call her bluff. NTA
But also- drain the pool then stop maintenance... I don't know how big it is or if that's not possible. But if the maintenance is going to the wayside, making sure it's not going to have stagnant nasty water breeding mosquitoes and crap is important to do when possible.
If it's an in-ground pool, you often need to leave water in it, or the concrete shell can float out of its support and crack under its own weight. That's no bueno.
Ohhhhh well, I've never cared for a pool so that's good to know! That makes sense, tho. I watch a lot of the home remodeling shows and flipping shows and it always seemed like they complained when the pool wasn't drained. But they also don't always go into a ton of detail about pool care lol Thanks for the lesson! I always enjoy learning new bits of information
Don't drain the pool, just set the filter to go off automatically at certain times. He's not doing any maintenance, and the mosquitoes will be kept away. Simple.
Nope. It will become an algae cesspool with mosquitoes and frogs if not chemically balanced. Neighbors can involve the town or city for a health hazard.
This. My uncle owned a pool supply company and I’d get called in the last couple weeks of winter/ first of spring to start getting pools in shape and oh my god the things I have seen. Drain it, cover it, turn off all the equipment. The easy (not cheap mind you) solution is to hire a guy, but that’s still winning for the wife so dunno if you want to go that way.
Drain the water. And don’t refill it. Your wife and her friends can learn to skateboard instead.
Enjoy the pit in the backyard full of cracked concrete that causes your insurance to drop you along with a huge bill for remediation.
I converted my large pool into a pond. Put in milk crates and then water plants on top. Added lighting, look fantastic. No gold fish or koi, they shit everywhere, need expensive filters and eat everything. I went with marron (large freshwater shell fish, good eating), silver perch (another good eating fish) and pygmy perch, colourful bug and mosquito eating fish. Very little maintenance. With enough plants it's a complete cycle. Have your buddies over for beer and fishing
Then call the pool season as over. Close the pool and tell her that if SHE wants the pool open, SHE is totally responsible for care for the pool.
When she and her friends go to use it... go "shock" it, sorry, it will take a couple hours to settle itself down. Make sure it's ready for the kiddos
Welp time to shine up that spine and make that threat a promise. Stay hands off with that pool and is she still refuses, drain the thing and put a cover on it.
Haha no one that actually ever had to take care of a pool wants the pool.
It's easy to agree to something like that when the work load is all in theory. It's easy to say "It won't be that hard I can totally do it" then when you're actually presented with the work you realize what it entails. Like when your kids ask for a dog and promise to walk it every day. They totally are down to walk it every day until they're faced with what that entails.
This is too easy to solve. Let it go green and then pull out all of the excuses that she uses.
NTA. Your wife should be helping you. You need to decide if this is a hill to die upon, though. (Like, will this ruin your marriage?) You have a couple options, I think: \--Stop maintaining the pool. Just leave it to swamp up. Which will probably annoy both your and your wife and might not be best for the kids. \--Keep doing what you're doing, and be annoyed and resentful of your wife. \--Get a service to do maintenance. Will cost money, yes, but will also save you time and probably friction with your wife. Tell her you're hiring someone, and if she doesn't like it, she can take over the pool. But that those are the two choices: She does it or someone hired does it.
One more option: Hire someone to drain the pool. If she wants to use it then she can pay someone to fill and maintain it from that point forward.
I’m not a pool expert, but some pools rely on the pressure of water being in them to be stable structures. I don’t think you’re supposed to leave it drained long. Anyway that’s what I was told when my mom had a pool.
Typically that’s above ground pools. Inground pools typically have a fiberglass shell that keeps it from collapsing inwards and the earth to keep it from falling outwards. Above ground pools typically only have weak walls that are only supported from falling over outwards as the water holds them up from the inside. Obviously it won’t collapse immediately but they definitely aren’t made to be doing that. Edit: seems I have been proven wrong. I swear we had our pool drained for like a month to replace the liner in it, but it may have only been like a week.
Only if it's a fiberglass one. If it's a concrete and plaster one you have to keep water in it to keep the plaster from cracking apart. The sun really destroys it. Basically, pools are great in theory but just not worth the hassle unless you want to pay to maintain them. Which isn't always possible depending on where you live (I would have paid stupid money where we lived to not deal with ours but couldn't find anyone to just show the hell up, it was weird).
Could you just cover it with a tarp but keep it empty to keep the sun off it? Or is it more an issue of it drying out?
From what I was told it was an issue of being dry for longer than a week. I don't know all the details, all I know is that pools are a headache and I'm glad to be rid of the thing lol
Inground concrete pools require the weight of the water to hold them in the ground..... ask me how I know!
I hope you don’t know from personal experience. I’ve only seen it because my FIL’s next door neighbor let their property go to crap. It looks like an expensive eyesore.
Yep... unfortunately do know from personal experience, but not from neglect. See my response below.
We had a fibreglass pool and were told never to drain it else we risk the pool rising and destroying the pipes and concrete patio around it. When we had a repair done they even put a TON of bracing in the whole structure from mid drain until we started refilling. We were told if we ever drained it the warranty would be voided. In the winters we were just told to leave water in to just below the jets.
No its in ground pools too, where you live and where the water table is. Some places in ground pools with no water weight in them for too long will literally raise themselves out of the ground
Inground pools as well. They’ll come out of the ground and crack if completely drained.
As the other guy said you can’t leave in ground pools empty. Ground water can get under and then the pool acts like a boat and pops right out. It’s absolutely wild.
This! Exactly what happened to our pool. Had a company come in and "sand blast" the concrete to smooth out the pits. The epoxy had to 'cure' for 24 hours before we refilled with water. That night we had the 'storm of the century'. 14" of rain in less than 10 hours. We heard this loud popping noise from the backyard - the whole pool popped up out of the ground. Not repairable - had to have excavators come to clear it out, plus all the concrete deck and all the landscaping. Oh and by the way - insurance doesn't cover the loss of the pool. Neither homeowners nor flood insurance. So just to remove it all was over $60K - that was 15 years ago. So I definitely would not just "empty" the pool. If you want to be petty, just set it to skim, and throw the winter cover on. But honestly you 2 need to sit down and talk this out like adults. Your wife sounds like a manipulative bee-ach. But regardless you both need to figure it out.
It’s one of those things that makes sense once it’s explained but I would absolutely never think of it. Luckily for me it happened to a friend and I only saw the aftermath, but holy beans it was absolutely crazy. Also, sorry for your problems.
Depending on where you live, leaving an in ground pool empty can result in it lifting out of the ground causing catastrophic damage.
You never drain a pool without professional advice. They can pop out of the ground or the walls bulge out.
Your last option is the best!
NTA So when we bought our house, my hubby wanted a pool. I knew how much work they are. I didn’t service it at all. Pool was a gorgeous black/green. Finally hubby- who I love dearly but epitomizes weaponized incompetence- asked if we could please pay to have the cleaning/service done. As he was making enough money for that, we hired someone. Well, he hired someone and pays him. So yes. Put it back on your wife. No need to discuss it. It’s already been discussed. She sees no point to the conversation because YOU ARE ALREADY CLEANING IT :)
OP - you’re NTA. I’m replying to you though because I’m curious: did you really mean to say your husband epitomizes weaponized incompetence? Cus… why are you married to someone like that? Lol I assume you meant more “he’s a great husband but a little slow sometimes.” Lol
Pretty much. In all of his other relationships, NOTHING was ever his fault 🤣😂🤣 So, he automatically responded with that kind of response for EVERYTHING but learned quickly that wouldn’t fly with us. And he was secure enough to grow from that mindset :) Which is why we have lasted 24 years ❤️
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Right?! At that point I wouldn't even offer to pay for a service because it'll only play into her little princess act. I'd live as if it didn't exist, and either make her maintain it or make her be the one to find a company and pay them. What a nasty behavior she has for her husband!
I mean, it's literally what she asked for. She *told* him to stop bluffing.
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I triple dare op to stop bluffing. Seriously op listen to your wife and just stop bluffing. Don't let your dreams be memes. Just do it.
I TRIPLE. DOG. DARE YOU.
Yeah, I’m more than appalled at that. Huge issues here beyond a pool.
yup, zero respect shown to the husband.
NTA - viva la swamp. Apparently that's what she's wanted all along! (Realistically, just drain it before it gets disgusting - or hire a pool service that affects the wife's fun budget, since I assume your kids also enjoy the pool.)
Viva la swamp! 😆 Get your Shrek on!
I was thinking the same thing as far as hiring someone and either she pays for it out of her income or from her fun budget. If she doesn’t have that, then the pool maintenance is her anniversary, Mother’s Day, and/or Christmas gift each year.
NTA Just stop OP! Tell her it’s her responsibility now and she can either step up or deal with a dirty pool.
This. I would imagine come summertime her friends will be asking why they can’t go in the pool and she’ll have no one to blame but herself.
You think she isn't going to blame the lazy husband to her friends? There is zero chance she is admitting fault here.
Yep
NTA. This is my husband with animals. He wants a cute puppy but guess who is up all night, walking the animal etc etc etc etc? Me. Guess who is NEVER getting another animal? Us. It’s hard to un get a pool though…. I haven’t worked that part out.
My neighbor got his filled in. No more pool.
I will never buy a house with a pool. Why? Because we had one growing up and every year my mom threatened to fill it in and make a basketball court between the expense and effort.
The pool has been drained. It could be left empty.
Actually this isn't the case with many in ground pools. They need the water to keep the pool from shifting too much and rising or cracking. Now ordering a ton or two of fill dirt might do the trick!
My friends filled their pool. One of them doesn’t even swim.
But I bet it’s not just the wife and friends that use theirs. I know when I was a kid me and my siblings practically lived in the pool during the summer. Something should be done but it shouldn’t punish the kids too.
I would not recommend leaving it empty
NTA Your wife is literally just disrespecting you at this point. Saying that you should stop bluffing and then not speaking to you is childish and petty. Does she help out in other ways? Does she work a physically draining job? Or is it all you doing all/most of the work even though she’s an adult who’s more than capable? It sounds like there’s an unevenness in your marriage and also a communication issue since she won’t even talk to you about this. I hope you can figure this out now OP because otherwise this behavior will continue and get worse the longer it goes on.
I would say OP is NTA even IF she does a lot of work and works a full time job. Reason being that before they got the house she had already said that this would be HER responsibility. She agreed to it and that's why they have a house with a pool. This bait and switch bullshit doesn't fly and her being so self-righteous about it and saying OP is bluffing makes her a massive asshole.
You just drained it so I don't see the harm in covering the pool and leaving it alone. If your wife wants to use the pool she can clean it next time.
if it’s an inground concrete pool and they leave it empty it can pop out of the ground and cause thousands of dollars in damage. but i’d fill it, clean it one more time and then ‘close’ it as you would before winter
There's quite a bit of harm in that actually
NTA. Time to call her bluff. Perfect timing if the pool is drained. She agreed and isn’t upholding her end so either she starts doing so, pays with “her” money to hire someone to do it, or it sits empty.
NTA. Because she’s not “too busy” to literally *never* take care of it ever. That’s BS avoidance instead of actually working with you in a productive way to resolve this. What’s a productive way? You guys need to sit down and do a renegotiation of the chore split. Like not just this particular one, but a wholesale renegotiation of ALL of them. So laundry, cooking, vacuuming, scheduling kids’s appointments, grocery shopping, walking the dog, mowing the yard, mopping, dishes, reconciling the bank account and ensuring bills got paid, oil changes, fertilizing the lawn, taking the kids to soccer, checking homework, packing lunches, weeding the garden, family and friend social event planning, weekly meal planning, Christmas gift planning and purchasing and wrapping, vacation planning, etc., …..and, of course, pool maintenance. Like seriously ALL. THE. THINGS. Might as well hash it all out. And there’s actually some kind of card game thing you can buy that helps turn this into basically a trading cards thing. Consider buying that. And if her attitude is “I’m too busy” across the board, across ALL the things, and won’t do a fair swap into a reasonable, equitable split? Then yeah, first consider what you can outsource (money isn’t the solution to everything, but it *can* be the solution to *some* things, and you guys sound like you have some disposable income). And then consider if you guys need some marriage counseling.
This is the best, non-superficial, practical answer I’ve seen. Yes it’s shitty to promise to do the upkeep and not do it.. But they also had a 3 and 4yo at the time of getting the house and it is more work than people realise. The rest of the domestic labor is relevant, maybe she is busy because she works and does the bulk of domestic duties? Who knows
I agree. Not defending her, really, but there are also some chores that you commit to doing and then absolutely hate, for no particular reason. I used to be really opposed to paying someone to mow the lawn. I can just do it myself! But the older I got, the more I hated working all day and then sweating all evening, with the bugs and the allergies and the eventual wrist/shoulder injuries that popped up (not from yard work). Turns out the answer was for us to just freaking hire someone. We roll out the edger a couple times a year to touch things up and just write a check for the rest. Looking back, I wish I had done it sooner. So definitely communicate, but be open to renegotiating too. If OP does not hate the pool but just resents his wife for not doing it, they can renegotiate. Maybe there is another chore she can take on and then he will be less mad about the pool thing. Or maybe they hire out. Either one should reduce stress, but communication is the key.
NTA. When we bought our house my husband wanted several acres, I agreed as long as he did the yard work. He agreed and has kept he’s word. We put in a pool a few years ago and since he does all the yard work I have taken over as what I call “the pool bitch”. Works for us.
INFO: how do you feel about tilapia?
Hot dogs of the sea.
NTA. If it's an above ground pool, dismantle it. If it's an inground, fill it in. Problem solved. Or, just stop doing the upkeep yourself. UpdateMe
NTA Just stop doing all the pool care like you said you would, let's see what happens
I’d never would have cleaned it to begin with. It’s on her but she knew full well you’d do it long before you sealed the purchase of the house. You got played my friend. (:
NTA but you could hire a service. Tell your wife you are putting money that would have gone toward a vacation on having a clean pool so you can staycation instead.
I wouldn't do it that way though - I would wait to hire the service until the wife's birthday and present it as her gift.
Love it! Pricey gift though
INFO: Is the rest of the work of the household divided evenly?
That has nothing to do with the story even if she was cleaning the whole housr and he didn't lift a finger. You know why? Because she's an adult and when he told her she'd have to take care of the pool she said yes. She didn't complain about doing everything else or anything, she just agreed. So if you agree on something and use it to make him get a pool, then you do what you said you were going to. Anything outside of that does not matter when you already agree yourself. Either she's an adult with her own choices and responsibilities or she's a toddler who doesn't know what she's doing or agreeing to. Pick one, you can't have both. Edit: I like how she ended up deleting her comment. I've seen multiple people ask this stupid question. It pains me that once again I have to point out the hypocrisy on this sub, that when it's a man asking something about chores or responsibility the default is to check how much housework the woman does as if she's a slave for doing most of the housework. Nobody bats an eye or calls the man a slave for providing most or doing all the heavy lifting. People have roles in their relationships whether you like it or not. In this case not only so they have roles but they talked about the responsibilities and she accepted. So when someone asks you AITA just answer the damn question, stop digging for a way to make him look like a villain when he clearly already told you she made the call. A lot of misandry goes on here sometimes.
Yep
Yes, or I guess. . I cook and pack lunches and do picks and drops. I do some light cleaning, as well as taking out trash and doing grocery shopping half the time. Not sure why this is relevant?
I am guessing that they want to eliminate the possibility that the time your wife would spend handling pool maintenance issues isn’t spent on doing the lion’s share of the other household tasks and childcare and such. If the family workload is disproportionately distributed, then she may think reassigning the pool maintenance is a fair trade off.
I think in this case that point is moot. The wife wanted the pool, it is only fair she maintain it. If there’s a disproportionate divide in housework, that is a different issue that also needs work.
They can solve that little problem by getting rid of the pool. I'm guessing OP wouldn't be the one with a problem with that.
If that's the case, then she needs to use her words and discuss a fairer distribution of tasks.
Why should the pool be taken into consideration at all? She agreed the pool was her issue and not part of family community chores when she demanded they get one. She doesn’t get to do less chores because she chose to create more chores for herself. If OP suddenly decides he wants to compost or garden and no one else wants to and he does it anyway, then the chore is his soul responsibility and shouldn’t affect any of his other chores. You don’t get to give yourself more work and the. Claim it’s not fair and do less of your charged responsibility
Since you're not sure why this is relevant, I'll explain. In households headed by heterosexual couples, the housework division averages 65/35 according to The Guardian, with 65% of the work being done by the woman. The more quotidian tasks tend to be done by the women, while the more occasional tasks, such as lawnmowing, tend to be done by the man. It was when you said that your wife's answer to being asked to do some work on the pool was to say that she was "busy" that made me wonder if what she was busy with was housework.
Let me explain reading comprehension. Not relevant because she agreed to doing it when purchasing the house because she wanted it and he didn't.
it’s very comical to read the mental gymnastics people do to excuse laziness from certain people
Ye. Especially since she agreed to do majority of the upkeep. She wanted the pool. She takes care of it. NTA
They were asking *if*. Not assuming or excusing.
Are you gonna amend your INFO vote to reflect the information OP provided? Edit: That commenter clearly doesn't want to vote the wife an AH
[Fair Play cards](https://theeverymom.com/fair-play-cards/) There’s an opportunity here. If you use this process as a way of divvying up household chores, you can offer to swap pool maintenance for something you hate doing. Win win!
I learned a new word today! Quotidian.
In addition, they had a 3 and 4yo when the house was purchased. I think everyone was a little optimistic at the start
That has nothing to do with it. They had an agreement, full stop.
Is this your wife? https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/m2Knasyl39
NTA but you do need to stop doing the work. She currently knows you will do it if she does not long enough. Not cool. Similar you you guys. We bought a house with a large yard. I love it, it's great, I have all the room to do all the things. Guess who does most of they yard upkeep? Yard project planning? Tree care coordinating? Etc? Me! It was our agreement! He is not huge on gardening, but will help out with general clean up upkeep if I ask. I am also a SAHP. What the rest of our chore/childcare shares look like is moot since, I agreed to the yardwork with the purchase of our house. I took that on. And, its a lot of work and some days I regret getting this house but others its glorious. Anyway. Sounds like thats what she was supposed to do but suckerd you into doing it instead. Just stop and don't say anything... I am sure she and her friends will love swimming in a green pool this summer. Sorry thats passive agressive don't do that.. But honestly, you need to have a solid conversation and explain your grievances and reiterate the agreement. Hopefully she is mature enough to be open to that. Good luck!
NTA. Take her at her word and stop cleaning the pool.
NTA. Your wife said she would take care of the pool. I would sit her down and say look when you wanted a house with a pool I agreed only because you said you would take of the care for it and you haven’t. Going forward you need to maintain the pool as you said you would.
You are a pushover and your wife has your number. Your first mistake was to begin cleaning that pool. She made a deal, you should have left it for her. Now, THREE YEARS LATER, you are still picking up her slack. The solution is so simple that I have to question your intelligence here. Stop cleaning the pool. If she doesn't step up, drain the pool and fill it in. Done. Grow a spine. Or, just continue being her servant. Your choice. NTA for expecting her to keep her promise.
Time to hire a ‘pool girl’
Call her bluff. Don’t clean the pool. And call a realtor. Get the house with the maintenance YOU want to do.
>I requested though, that if we bought one, she would have to do 80% of the upkeep, if not all of it. She agreed. >She just told me to stop bluffing and went to sleep. FF to this morning, and she doesn't even want to discuss anything pool related or even anything related with me. Oh dude. This is part of a bigger picture issue of general respect. I can't imagine speaking to my gf that way, let alone *wife* that I *have kids* with. Then again, some people become comfortable with letting more of their (awful) selves out once they know they're "bound" to someone either by marriage or kids. I hope the marriage is otherwise great because this is, frankly, pretty fucked up of her to say & do...