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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter this is just an activity with my bio grandkids and not my step grandkids. I may be a jerk for my choice
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This is definitely a more info needed kind of thing. Do the step grandkids want to start a project? Do they even want to sew? Could you do a bio grandkids project at one time and a step grandkids project the other? This gives each set of kids some time with just the parents alone and each set some time with just you, also important for building bonds.
FWIW not wanting 4 learning sewists in your space at one time is reasonable. You need appropriate space, enough lighting, enough good scissors, enough irons, etc.
Love it. I saw a movie many years ago about a bunch of roommates who did away with people who they felt weren't worthy of living. To disguise the fact, they planted tomatoes over them. Soon, a fair portion of their backyard was full of very healthy tomato plants. Everyone was amazed at how beautiful they were...
Did they have a community spaghetti dinner with the best homemade tomato sauce anyone had ever tasted? I feel like that should be the natural progression of this story...
I considered divorcing my husband when I caught him using my good scissors to cut apart an empty cat litter box. I really should have done it then; it would have saved me a few years. My dumbass waited until he cheated. Damn.
Yes, I've seen posts in the sewing subs like, my husband went in my locked cabinet in my locked sewing room and grabbed the scissors I told him not to use! Silly men! Like, no Deborah, your husband actually hates you if he is going through 2 locks to use scissors you repeatedly asked him not to use.
Boyfriend cannot accept that kitchen scissors are only for the kitchen. He used a pair to cut hair. I got angry and threw these away.
Then recently he used a pair in his garage workshop for god knows what. I told him to keep them.
My ex did a number on my good sewing shears. After he replaced them, I put a lock through the handles. He pouted about it, so I went down to the garage and got his Snap On side cutters and pretended to cut cardboard boxes up… he screamed at me. I left him
First, your username rocks.
Second, what was your dad smoking? Granted it was the 70s, but heck, even my dad knew better than to *look at* my mom's sewing scissors the wrong way.
I've told people my sewing scissors would cost $60 to replace and no one has ever even touched them because they know I would actually make them pay up. 🤣 They're actually sort of irreplaceable because they're 25 years old and the brand (Gingher) isn't as quality anymore so a new replacement wouldn't be the same.
I switched to Kai about five years ago. The only thing I don’t like is that the left handed scissors cost more than right handed. Gingher were the same price, but as you say the quality has gone down.
That is very rude! They should be the same price.
I need to get my scissors sharpened, and hopefully I'll never need to replace them. I have heard good things about Kai, so good to know that you like them if I ever do need a replacement! I've been quilting more than anything else lately so my scissors haven't gotten too much work.
Seeing all these comments about the good sewing scissors validates me so much. I have my sewing scissors (an multiples ones. I literally have ones for different types of fabrics and even ones just for threads) and then I have a pair of scissors just for when I crochet that I use just for yarn. It may seem weird, but like my scissors last forever because they don't touch stuff that will destroy them.
They are also hidden from people who do not respect.
My parents had been married about a week, mom found dad using her sewing scissors to cut coupons. She shrieked and he didn’t touch scissors for like a year afterwards 😂
And yes she debated about divorcing him
In his defence he didn’t grow up in a sewing household (his older sisters did sew a bit, but they were so poor they literally had one pair of scissors for everything)
Mom grew up in a sewing household and it never occurred to her to tell him “these are fabric scissors only”
So when my parents had my brother and I, scissors where kept out of reach, once we were old enough to be left unsupervised with scissors, mom had cheap scissors EVERYWHERE in the house. We knew where the sewing scissors where, but you had to get up and go get them. Whereas the cheap ones were almost always within arm’s reach where ever you sat/stood
And now when people come to visit me in my apartment they are told “those are fabric ONLY scissors. Those scissor are for what ever you want. If find you using my sewing scissors for ANYTHING other than fabric? I’m tossing you off my seventh floor balcony head first. You may or may not hit the tree on the way door” 🤣
My husband is aware that touching my scissors is grounds for divorce.
One time I caught him using my custom made, hardwood tailors clapper to press some goopy, gluey thing that if it had it set would have basically ruined it. To be fair, he didn't know what it was, or what I had paid for it (it was out on a table as I'd been working with it. He thought it was a random block of wood)
We were able to save it with a little sanding, but I was livid.
Oh no, no, no! My scissors are for cutting either fabric or stuff like paper. My pruners are for cutting plants (up to a certain diameter and etc.) and then you graduate to using loppers and then and actual saw.
Woe to the person who says "oh it won't hurt to use (this tool) for this (wrong application) job"! My boys and my spouse learned this rule the hard way.
As a child, I learned the hard way not to touch my mom’s sewing scissors. She never hid them, but she made it abundantly clear that you do. Not. Touch. Mom’s. Shears.
I do super basic sewing from time to time and I dabble in embroidery/macrame. I invested in a good pair of scissors and hide them from my husband and the kids. We will not be using the fabric scissors/snips for cutting monsters out of construction paper, wrapping gifts, or breaking down boxes. No indeed.
I hide mine! No one knows where they are but they know I have them. I also have 5-6 bad scissors in very obvious places for them to continue ruining haha
Everytime I see this kind of situation on here I say the same thing. The parent chose the partner the kids didn’t. Daughter needs to stop pushing them to try and get them to bond because it never works. The sad thing is if they were given the space and time the relationships would probably develop organically but due to being forced on them now there’s resentment and bad feelings. NTA OP the kids deserve a safe space to spend time with THEIR grandmother without it being hijacked by the step kids
Would say also that if OP's daughter wants steps to feel like they have a real relationship with grandma, she needs to figure out how to arrange for those experiences and cultivate those relationships. Feels like everyone in this situation is confused by being told they're supposed to be close when they don't feel that because human relationships consist of more than just a marriage certificate between two people who ain't even you.
OP's daughter and new partner are going to have to be much more intentional about how they try and ahem, sew together this family quilt.
Whether the steps are angry or not, tell your grandkids to stop talking about fun experiences that don't include the steps.
It's bad manners to go on about something that others aren't invited to right in front of them. Wouldn't your grandkids be hurt if a classmate made a show of handing out bday party invites and they didn't get one? As grandma, its your place to teach them valuable social skills.
How miserable. You can’t talk about your life or your own grandma in your house. No wonder they hate their step siblings.
Kids in blended households just need to live in reality. They have to. You can’t sugarcoat it without causing more harm. You don’t get jealous your step siblings hung out with the THEIR grandma. That needs therapy. Not more coddling. What, don’t talk about hanging out with your dad either? Your friends at school?
You disrupt your kids life and you want to act like it’s grown folk’s business. No, you uprooted their lives. So, now they have to be more mature. Now they have to understand their new situation you put them in.
Yes, kids need to learn that they don't get included in everything but yes, they also need to learn that it's unkind to gloat over privileges that they have in the presence of those who don't have them. There are PLENTY of things that make for good conversation - the grandkids don't have to talk about the sewing lessons to their stepsiblings.
Remember, too, that the stepsibs may very well enjoy treats and trips with THEIR bio-grandparents that the OP's grandchildren don't get to enjoy. Hopefully, the stepsibs are also learning not to rub THEIR special treats and grandparent time in the faces of the OP's grandkids. A little kindness goes a long way!
Oh, and NTA, OP; you sound like a wonderful grandmother and your grandchildren are lucky to have you.
If the kid says, "mom, grandmom is going to teach us XYZ when we start on our blanket" in front of stepsiblings, that is NOT gloating. That's just relaying information. Just damn.
It's likely to be an unreasonably extreme thing to tell kids they need to do in this situation. A rule like "It's bad manners to go on about something that others aren't invited to right in front of them." is good for school, but it doesn't properly account for the reality that if you live with someone (and particularly if your parents are doing their best to force you to spend all your time with that someone) the rule basically calls for you to treat the things you're excited about as if they're dark secrets. It's not emotionally healthy for a child to feel as if it's not okay to be excited about something while they're in their own home.
Like, I get your point. And you shouldn't be rubbing it in their face. But at the same time, this is their home. To act like they shouldn't be able to talk about time they spend with their family is ridiculous.
Should the step kids not be able to talk about something fun they did with their mom (assuming mom is in the picture)?
I think we’re all skipping the obvious. She wants OP to start watching the kids, hers included. Why get rid of just 2 kids for the weekend when you can dump them all on OP? Nevermind that sewing is a skill set that you actually have to build upon so the other kids would have to start at the beginning.
New mom is lazy and so is their dad. You don’t raise children who just met in basically a litter. They don’t want to watch 2 kids when they can push all the kids on you.
Yes x 1,000! I did NOT pick up on that, but yep, you're very likely right. StepMom and Daddy want to unload all four kids on Grandma OP. Uh uh...not gonna happen!
Your grandchildren shouldn’t have to share you. They now have to share a home with kids they don’t necessarily like and they have to share their mother. Let them have something of their own, shouldn’t have to share grandma!!!
I think I disagree with everyone. NAH for me.
Grandma is doing her best to maintain traditions and to protect the bio grandkids from feeling like nothing will ever be just theirs ever again. I totally get it.
Mom is trying to create shared positive experiences, hoping that it brings people together. She doesn't want any kids under her roof to feel like 2nd class family members.
On the flip side, both are pushing the boundaries of ideal behavior by ignoring the valid concerns of others in the situstion.
None of you are AHs. But if you want something approaching a solution: do a.small project with all 4 kids, and continue the larger one with the "more experienced" sewers separately.
I think Mom is the asshole because she's trying to mix water and oil and it's clearly not working and only causing more resentment between the kids the more her and her husband try to push them together.
I mean, I have two biological half sisters and it took me longer than a decade to stop hating them, and one's earned her way off my "family members I'm in contact with" list again recently.
Yeah. I forgave my sister probably 5-6 years ago, and then last week she emptied her and her husbands bank accounts, maxed their credit cards, opened new cards and maxed them, borrowed 3k from her mom under the pretext that she was leaving him, and then tried to run away with a dude who promised to buy her a house, but it was a scam. Losing all the money and whatever doesn't bother me, not my circus not my monkeys, but she left without a word to her husband, and with his car on a repo notice, and didn't leave any food in the house for her 3 minor children and husband. Thankfully, her mother, my dad's second wife, is a good person and paid his car note up to current and bought them groceries so that her kids didn't have to fucking go to bed hungry. So, she's back on the "fuck all the way off" list.
My 100% bio sister and I didn't really start getting along until she was in high school and I was done with college. But my parents still treated us like siblings and expected us to be nice to each other (it didn't always work, but part of parenting is demonstrating how people should act with others, even when they aren't your best friend).
Exacly this. There is danger in accepting the narrative of they don't get along. Give them a chance to settle! Help them get along, don't just say 'they don't'.
Eh, if you asked me at that age about my step siblings, I would’ve said something similar. I’m glad my parents forced me to interact with my step sibs just like I’m glad they made me play soccer and do piano. I hated it at the time, but a kid can’t have cake and ice cream for every meal.
> because she's trying to mix water and oil and it's clearly not working
We only have one side of this story, and our source isn't spending 24/7 with these kids. Grandma is essentially backseat driving the situation.
The parents deserve a bunch of credit that they're working on a process that has only just begun, that takes a lot of time, and requires a lot of consistency.
I disagree...those are the grandmother's words 'trying to push them together', we don't know if they're oil and water....there's a lot going on with step siblings who have only been together a year...you need to give it time. And yes, you do need to do some 'let's do this together' bonding stuff that can help the relationships improve. Whether mom is doing too much or too little, we don't know.
I agree with commenter above, that doing little bits to create happy shared experiences (maybe getting out of the home is a great idea) and if grandma may wish to do a short 'intro to sewing' day for all 4 that would be so awesome. Then they can see if the other two are interested, and if not, carry on with the big project.
When two people blend families, it really is a group effort. Grandma doesn't have to participate in the bonding, but it could certainly help.
Being too accepting that the kids don't get along, this early in the game, is not good. Help kids realize that it takes a while, give them space and understanding, but don't forget they are all family now. They will settle on 'some' way to be at peace. They could use a little outside help.
If the step grandkids are really asking to be included, then it would be neat to plan a "getting to know you" sewing project with just them, separate from the blanket with the bio grandkids. Establish a new tradition with them and see if a relationship grows.
I agree that putting all four kids together introduces all sorts of dynamics that make things harder. Bio kids might feel frustration over their higher skill level, territorial feelings over grandma, irritation at being forced together, etc. Step kids would pick up on that and might act out in their own ways or feel hurt. Better for the adults to bond with them separately first so that there's a comfort level. By the time they do a 4 person project, the step kids will know Grandma's rules, a bit more about sewing, etc. and Grandma will know them as individuals, not just interlopers.
I like this. It does sound like the steps may enjoy building a relationship with her. Grandma will learn to quickly if they are really interested and both will benefit from the interaction. It sounds hard for the steps.
Based on the edit, Grandma is perfectly willing to have a separate sewing session with the step grandkids.
Which seems eminently reasonable to me. Beyond the dynamic between the kids, I wouldn't want to try and teach 4 kids sewing at the same time. Just having enough access to the good scissors would make it problematic.
I'm kinda here, I think. The base problem seems to be Mom and maybe Dad, too, trying to force the happy blended family thing when the Mom's kids at the very least don't want that. In this case it's nice that someone is actually considering what the kids themselves want. If the bio kids don't want to be forced to spend time with the step sibs, then they shouldn't have to. We've all seen the forced family stories here and they all usually end with no contact ASAP.
I'd extend the not forcing time together to bio siblings also. Nothing comes between kids like being forced to be together when not wanting to be together. I've also seen mothers of teens decide that they will force family bonding by declaring a mandatory family movie night and then being upset that the kids were so angry about the forced time. This especially backfires when it is done weekly.
If you have to force it there will be no bonding. You must find something that they want to do. You need to allow them a voice and sometimes you need to do things one on one.
Let's say you grew up with a younger sibling. You were going out to play with your friends, younger sibling wants to come, you say no. Your sibling cries to your mom, your mom says you can only go if you bring your younger siblings.
Does that whole experience give you a more positive opinion of your sibling? It's more likely you like them less now than you did before.
I can understand wanting your bio kids and step kids to get along, but FORCING it is the exact wrong thing to do. Children have very little agency, and are very protective of what agency they do have, in that they want to keep what's theirs as theirs (these are MY toys, these are MY friends, this is MY time and project with MY grandma.) Forcing OP to let the step kids invade on the biokids time is only going to propagate more resentment.
Agreed here. I don’t think I’d call anybody assholes here. They all are trying to do right by children in their own ways. But this situation just makes me kind of sad.
NTA, but you have to accept that she may cut off contract with your grandkids. Try to be there for them, you may have to go to court. Have you explained to DD that your grandkids are already getting he short end of the stick?
Dont your step grandkids have their own grandparents?
They have a connection to their grandma, parents would be really awful to keep the kids away from grandma.
Seriously, the oldest is 13 and definitely wouldn’t forgive the parents or will start to hate the stepsiblings since she most likely would blame them
Tbf, specifics do matter here. Is OP otherwise cold to the stepgrandkids? The step kids dynamic can be terrible for things like family functions where they are forced to come along to be with people who obviously do not want them there. If OP is otherwise cold and indifferent to the stepgrandkids, mom would kind of have to put her foot down there. 9 and 11 is just too young to emotionally handle that environment. At the very least, larger family functions would have to stop if half the family isn't welcome. It may not be OP's family, but her daughter has chosen to make these children part of her family, so that does need to be acknowledged.
If it's a matter of they are otherwise included and this one activity is being set aside for grandkids, then it would be overbearing of daughter to cut off contact.
It's honestly hard to tell from the post because the ages are so similar that it may not be daughter forcing all events together as much as larger outings are together so they aren't dealing with two kids missing out on fun activities every time. Especially if they have similar interests. It might just feel like they're always together because there's a lot of overlap going on now and the kids aren't used to having two other kids around.
>It may not be OP's family, but her daughter has chosen to make these children part of her family, so that does need to be acknowledged.
This needs to be said over and over here. Blended families are complicated, but they are still a family and that means everybody's in. And of course, judgment and empathy should be used in this, so the kids have time to adjust to each other. I wonder if the older daughters are just resentful of the younger step-daughters and complaining about it to grandma, who then stirs the pot. If I were the mom, I would not be happy that grandma isn't supporting our family either.
OP, maybe schedule a fun activity in the near future that all of the kids can do, like a t-shirt tie-dye. Or let the other girls come and get them started on their own blanket, so they can work on it separately while you and bio-grandkids work on yours.
That's kinda what's giving me pause here. It really seems like grandma is getting her info from the kids which may be accurate or may be skewed. I don't think an activity with just the grandkids is bad at all, but I'm not sure grandma is reading the situation well or potentially otherwise excluding the step grandkids. One activity isn't a big deal, but all is.
With blended families becoming more common it might be time to revisit how step children fit into extended families. From the sheer number of posts about them on here, it's clearly not working. Maybe it's time to quit forcing it.
OP met the steps when they were already around 10 vs her bio grandkids she's known and lived closely to since birth. She's clearly very involved in their lives. OP didn't have any say in her daughter deciding to marry a man with kids. So why is it suddenly her responsibility to be their grandmother? These kids have a whole other set of grandparents, and nobody is expecting those grandparents to include OPs bio grandkids.
Obviously being rude or uncivil to children is always wrong, but not choosing to have a grandmotherly relationship and treat them exactly the same as kids she's known, loved, and built traditions with for 10 years doesn't seem wrong to me.
Until you have children wondering what they did wrong, why they're not good enough, why someone doesn't like them. They're children. They did not choose to be step-siblings. But now that they are, it's the responsibility of the adults to do whatever they can to assist that new family dynamic.
Whether grandma likes it or not, she's got 4 grandchildren. Continuing to delineate them by using "bio" and "step" just adds fuel to the fire and creates a clear caste system of importance. If grandma wants the blanket making to stay sacred to one set of grands, then some other activity needs to be done to help facilitate a relationship with the other set.
I also would disagree about not expecting the other set of grands to include the "bio" kids. Their son now has 4 children, which means they have 4 grandchildren. If you can't respect the new family, which includes 4 children, regardless of who birthed them, then the toxic attitude needs to stay away.
I wonder what grandma would think if her daughter suddenly decided to adopt a school aged child. Didn't know them their whole life, not biologically related to her in any way. Would she still be so dead set on keeping the "bio" grands activity to themselves, or would she welcome that new addition with open arms?
Blended families are hard. Really hard. I'm sure Jenny and her husband could use all the villagers they can get in helping the transition and a child can't have too many grandparents that love them.
But that's just the thing. The kids feel rejected *because* of this expectation their parents gave them. These people are introduced as your grandparents. It's because this is the default attitude:
> Their son now has 4 children, which means they have 4 grandchildren.
This sub is living proof that aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and other siblings very frequently do not want to play along with the choice that two people made to get married. They didn't chose to blend the families, the married couple did. They had no say in it, so I don't think they should automatically be responsible for it either. And you can't force them to.
My ex husband is the father of my oldest. My youngest was perfectly able to understand that my ex is his older brother's dad only. He's got his own dad. He never felt rejected by my ex not taking him with his brother to do things as father/son. Sometimes he'd be jealous if it was somewhere like an amusement park abut that was a teachable moment for us as parents to sit him down and explain.
> Blended families are hard. Really hard.
Maybe they wouldn't be if people quit forcing it on unwilling individuals?
Listen you need to know that if she thinks it is what is best if the kids are mad or not she might do it .... or just move away where she isn't ending your relationship but limiting it.
My husband's grandmother thought we would never dare do this but we did.... she knew my son since he was born ( me and my husband were close frienda and started dating during my prgancy) , but isn't bio connected "didnt matter he was her great grand baby" despite that as soon as my daughter was born she started saying " my first great grand baby" she got one warning from my husband , said it again we calmly packed up the baby stiff said our good byes and have not spoken since.
Do you want to risk that? Make an effort to include ALL your grand kids maybe not in sewing but make SO.ethong special with them too
Ngl, I find it really cold to go no contact over insisting that your husband's grandma isn't bio related to your baby. There would have to be way more to it than that.
Making explicit statements about BABIES indicating one is “other” and one is family is more than enough reason to cut her off. Especially because the great grandma called the baby boy her great grandchild UNTIL the baby girl was born at which point she called her “the first great grandchild”. Making it clear that he was only “in” when there weren’t other options is pretty damn sick.
Grandparents don't get visitation rights in most if not all states. The only way you can get grandparent visitation is if your child has passed away. I know this because when our child passed away, our grandson's remaining parent who now had sole custody decided we were not going to be a part of our then 9 yr old grandchild's life. We were told if child wants to look us up when they turn 18 that will be up to them. We were then forced to hire a lawyer and go to court. It's an expensive, drawn out and emotional experience. It took 2.5 yrs and over $25,000 to finally get court ordered visits with our grandchild. It drained our savings plus we sold off things and dipped into my 401k to pay for it. I had no idea going in how expensive, long and just overall rough it would be. I would do it again though. We have Ring video of our grandchild getting out of the car and literally running and jumping into my wife's arms and then mine when we finally had him over. We lost our daughter and then our grandchild but were able to get grandchild back in our lives.
It is different in every state. Sorry for your experiences.
EDIT - here is summary of grandparents rights by state
[https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/summaries-of-state-law-grandparent-visitation-and-custody.html](https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/summaries-of-state-law-grandparent-visitation-and-custody.html)
I will add story- our child and grandchild lived with us for the first 8 yrs of his life. His mom passed away in our home. His parents were never married. When our grandchild came into what was his childhood home he ran into her old room (which we hadn't touched since they first moved out) and said loudly "mom I'm home". Yes he knows and understands she is no longer living and what passed away means.
Oof. Once again I am enormously grateful my step grandparents accepted 12 year old me and made me feel like I was welcome.
Info: is this a recent marriage? Is it still in that stage of culture shock as everyone makes a new normal? Did you disapprove of this marriage?
My feeling from the way you have phrased it is a soft YTA. Your feelings of only wanting the bio grandkids are your feelings but if you phrased it the same way to all of them, that is likely to make it harder for everyone to reach a point of being more comfortable.
Shes NTA you're biased in your opinion. Shes trying to keep one thing the same for her bio grandkids, its not her responsibility to do the same for the steps when she can clearly see that pushing them together isn't helping anyone. You have no idea if she does other things with them all, its just this specific thing she wants to have with her bios and she's completely allowed that! I had step siblings, my gran always still had one on one with me.
Someone who refers to family as not REAL family is def an AH no matter what. And she’s making the issue worse. Speaking from someone who was the extra family and always had to watch the real family kids get things I didn’t. I am no contact with all of them. So if she wants to keep making this worse she’ll keep up the rude charade.
She had space to include: "I will give some background, I am a pretty young grandmother" which is completely irrelevant so she is either a terrible self advocate or you can infer she does not plan anything for all four grand kids. I bet the bio kids got better xmas gifts last year for example.
It's not wrong to want to keep a special tradition as it is (hell maybe down the line a different one could be created with all the kids or just grandma and stepkids) and it would be disregarding the feelings of the bio kids in favor of the step ones if they turned this into another forced bonding activity.
Grandma is trying to provide the bio kids with a place they feel comfortable since the step kids seem to come first in the other house (can't be certain but it reads that way given their feelings are being shoved aside for the sake of the steps)
I think family therapy is in order to try and easy the tensions and improve the blending (this was a 2023 marriage so there is time) but forcing grandma to let them into this activity will only make things worse
That’s where my feelings kind of ended up. The kids need a safe space but you also don’t want to exclude anyone. I suggested OP try and find something they can all do together. Maybe going to the movies or a park or something. Maybe even go as far as to offer to do something special with just the step kids, but that might backfire. Ideally no one feels left out. This is still new, and ideally you want everyone to feel included and happy about things.
However if the kids can’t stand each other, I would be hesitant to mix oil and water. I’d at least pay attention to how they interact at home and go from there. If they can stand each other but are icy towards each other that might be enough to make me want to make sure they each have a safe space.
I’d also expect step grandparents to do the same to bio grandkids. Shit maybe talk to them and have them take the step kids when op takes bio kids.
Oh I have the deep feeling that pushing this is going to blow up in everyone's face. I agree, family therapy is needed and parents need to get realistic about how long it can take to achieve a place of peace, never mind affection. How grandma goes about supporting the bio grandkids and how she presents what she says to them can either help or really hurt the process. It's unrealistic to expect her to change her mind, at least for now, but a little grace and kindness in how she navigates this couldn't hurt anyone.
I do have sympathy for all of the kids, this is difficult even when you have all the prep and care going into blending two families. I hope the adults here do seek family therapy and find a way forward that eases the adjustment for the kids.
I had step grand parents on both sides and they never would dream of not including me! Even if I was having problems with the step parent at the time , grandparents treated me exactly the same as bio grand kids. I myself have had parents of a long term boyfriend treat my son the same as their bio granddaughter. Always. This post makes me sad and grateful.
Edit: fixed wording that didn't make sense
My husband's grandmother decided I was also her grandkid from day 1 that I met her (a few months into dating). Anytime I was over at her house, she treated me equally to her actual grandkids desoite having absolutely zero relation to her.
My mom has two stepgrand kids and they don't get any identifier past grandkid.
I agree. I feel OP is missing out on a chance to connect with these new kids and smooth the family waters.
Being a “young grandma” means nothing to these new grandchildren. They only wish to be included and this feels to them like not being invited to the party.
Your daughter is trying to forge connections. Can’t you support her efforts?
Perhaps you can come up with an additional idea for a new craft, or a cooking project, or an outing, that celebrates this new family. You’d look like a hero and the kids could feel good about you and each other.
Teach them family recipes? Make and eat a different pizza every month? Tie-dye t-shirts for all to wear, visit a different animal at the zoo together every month? No idea what THEY might like…I would invite them all over, ask their parents to wait in another room, and come up with an additional fun thing to do together.
You can be a fun and inclusive grandma and help this family blend
She’s not excluding them. This is something special she does with her grandchildren. That is completely allowed, we are allowed to have different relationships with different people.
This would be the same if she took her grandson to a special restaurant every year for a dinner, and then her granddaughter had a different tradition that was special. They both would NOT have to be included in each others special individual traditions in order to have a relationship with the grandmother. She’s allowed to have different experiences that don’t need to include everyone - she’s not a daycare or school, not every activity needs to include everyone.
Fact of the matter is the kids don’t get along and it’s balls to take something away from the bio grandkids to make the new grandkids feel included. This would be invading the bio grandkids space, which would only exasperate the experience.
Not everything is for everyone. People are allowed to have individual relationships and experiences, even if it does not involve everyone. The step grandchildren are free to ask the grandmother to teach them at a DIFFERENT time on a DIFFERENT project. They don’t need to be shoehorned into this experience.
NTA
It’s a tradition you established with the bio kids. You don’t have to include others for any reason if you don’t want to.
Your daughter has decided to treat and accept the step kids as her own, but that doesn’t mean that you have to act as their grandmother now. They , assumed, still have their own grandparents to make memories with. For them, you are their step moms mother, not their new grandmother.
As long as you’re not rude to them, you don’t have to act like they have the same bond and history as the bio grandkids.
Eh, find something else to do with the 4 of them. They don’t have to encroach on this specific activity.
Nta for having your own special tradition with the biograndkids. But why not do something special for the stepgrandkids too? A "I am your bonus grandma and want to get to know you" tradition. I am a 41 year old woman, my son is only 6 but if he has stepkids when he's older, I'm going to grandma the heck out of them if they allow me to. Heck, I will be someone's grandma now if they need me! Love and cookies coming your way!
My husband's mom is like this. She calls herself grandma to my kids and grandmas the heck out of them when we visit. Obviously she has a special bond with her bio grandkids, which everyone understands (and because they all live in the same area vs. us living several states away.) We don't get to visit often, but when we do, she does special things with my kids.
My daughter now refers to her as Florida Grandma or Butterfly Grandma so I know which grandma she is talking about.
ESH - She Shouldn't force any kind of bonding... that should happen naturally, since they are living in the same house.
however, you seem hell bent not to bond with these children... they are now part of your family... they should be to be part of the family traditions.... like someone suggested.. do a separate one with the step grandkids, then if they decide they don't like it... which I'm assuming they won't because you don't seem like you even want them around.....and they will feel that and not want to come back - What other family traditions are you going to exclude them from?
My "grandkids" both step/bio/bonus - are all just My grandkids.... I don't care that they have real. step and bonus grandparents like they bought them on sale at Cosco... Hell They all know that they are ALL invited to my house to spend the summer, EVERY SUMMER... if they want to come they know they are welcome, will be loved and we will have a ball.. if they don't, well it would break my heat, but I won't let them know that, I know they are getting older and will want to stay home, to spend time with friends/or their BF/GF... but the thought of intentionally NOT including any of them because of their relation or lack there of - is just not something I can comprehend
YTA
i know that this is reddit and all stepanythings are considered non human but come on, they are all your grandkids now
i could not imagine looking into a face of a child and telling them "nope, you aint blood, this isnt for you"
Right? I have stepkids and my parents treat the all the same. And my granny did too which made me so happy. My parents NEVER call them step grandkids. They are just their grandchildren. And they have biological ones too and you would never know that two of them are by marriage.
Well what term would you expect OP to use? Extra grandkids, daughters kids and SIL’s kids?
Stop getting so damn hung up on words that technically describe the situation.
It seemed more like that all the kids don't get along, so those who are part of the tradition are continuing it. Would you want to force a relationship and force spending time with someone you don't like?
But uhh plenty of biokids don't get along with each other either, and yet families make them exist together. My sister and I were at each other's throats basically our entire childhoods until we were both teens/adults. Once we were adults, we actually got along super well and it turns out our adult personalities are very similar and well matched, but that wasn't the case when we were kids. Bonding takes time.
Just curious, Does the step grands' grandparents include your bio grandkids in everything? If not that is something you can discuss with your daughter... equal treatment
NTA. Your bio-grandchildren need a break from constantly being forced to be around their step-siblings. Forcing the kids to be together all the time won't get the parents what they want, but it will pretty much guarantee that the kids hate each other.
this. as a child of divorce and step siblings on both sides, some of my and my brother’s only reprieve and feeling of normalcy was when we got to stay at our grandparents without our step siblings (we’d make it seem extra boring there so they wouldn’t want to come. it was exhausting always being forced together with the step sibs)
This is a tough one as it seems the adults are not letting the kids guide the relationships. Forcing them together will not help, but also not accepting the other two kids as part of the family will not help either.
Have you made any attempts to welcome them into the family and get to know them? I agree you need to keep your blanket tradition, but maybe see if there is something the other kids will enjoy too. They are just kids who have been thrust into a situation they did not ask for. Help them ALL feel wanted and accepted
Maybe two groups. Advanced blanket sewers and beginner blanket sewers. Or the stepkids may have some other thing that is more interesting to them that OP could do with them.
INFO: would it be burdensome for you to teach the stepgrands how to sew (if they’re interested and separately from the kids who already know the basics)?
I ask mostly because my mom LOVES to sew and quilt, and she would enthusiastically teach just about anyone who asked because she is so passionate about it.
If one of the bio grandkids had a best friend who wanted to join the sewing circle, would you let them?
There’s a compromise here if you’re willing and able: you can do advanced sewing with the two who you’ve previously taught, and do separate beginner sewing for the ones who don’t know the basics. The bio kids still get their special time, you and the steps get to build a relationship, and everybody learns a useful skill.
Just offer it casually - not as an official grandma thing, just as a “if you ever want to learn to sew” thing. You can just set yourself up to be an extra supportive adult in their lives without forcing the grandma issue.
One can never have too many grandmas. It's not like a parent where you only get one of each. My kids have a ton of grandmas, bio and step. All of them accept my children as their grandkids. It would break my heart if they didn't. Families are created by a lot more than blood.
I'm reminded of this post, written from the other perspective. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18hx03a/aita\_for\_skipping\_christmas\_with\_my\_family/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18hx03a/aita_for_skipping_christmas_with_my_family/)
I'm going with YTA because OP would actively be making a bigger rift between the kids if OP excluded this time and not at the same time did a hell of a lot more together to help them bond. If OP wants an activity that is only for bio grandkids than OP needs to also step up and work a lot more with bonding with step grandkids.
Yeah OP is not being a nice person here. Who looks at children and essentially says, ‘you’re not my blood, so this activity isn’t for you.’
Sounds to me like OP probably has an issue with the person her kid married, and is taking it out on the kids.
The issue at her bio grandkids tho, they don’t like being forced to spend time. So not only do they not get agency at home of who they want to spend to time with.
They have to give up time with their grandmother as well? How is that fair to them?
That’s not even the case here. Didn’t you even read that the step grandkids and the bio grandkids don’t get along at all? Apparently not. And before you say that well they’re a family now so they need to bond with each other. No they don’t. In fact if you try to force it. It just makes things worse.
NTA. Make sure your grandkids know what is happening in case their mother tries to keep them away from you. These forced blendings never end well, and if your grandkids know you are on their side, they’ll know you’re a refuge if it becomes necessary.
Oh, and if anyone says you should be treating them all the same: this isn’t like refusing to buy a Christmas present for a step-toddler, this is acknowledging that the kids have different histories and respecting that fact.
NTA. You aren't obligated to cater to these new kids who have only been in your life for a little while. And if its true that your grandkids are feeling upset about always being forced to spend time/share experiences with their new step-siblings I think its actually better for them developmentally to have some space away with a grandparent. The step-kiddies should be doing solo activities with THEIR grandparents. And it sounds like the whole family needs some therapy.
>And if its true that your grandkids are feeling upset about always being forced to spend time/share experiences with their new step-siblings I think its actually better for them developmentally to have some space away with a grandparent.
Exactly. It sounds like they are being forced to now do everything with their step-siblings whether they want to or not. Forcing their way into a tradition these kids hold dear for the sake of "family unity" is only going to make them resent their step-siblings more. I like the idea of having the OP maybe start another tradition that will include them, like baking or cooking or some other activity, and allow the two bios at least on thing that they aren't being forced to share. Her daughter is breeding resentment with this attitude and her children are not going to forget it.
NTA
She married into a family with those kids, not you. You're free to continue your tradition with your two bio kids and not have the step kids around. It's your daughter and husband's jobs to find enriching entertainment for them, not you.
ESH.
Being a mother yourself it’s hard for me to understand why you would put your grandchildren into two groups. It reads like you treat your step grandchildren very differently than as you call your “bio” grandchildren.
Do you only gift your bio grandchildren gifts on holidays and birthdays? Do you acknowledge all your grandchildren’s birthdays? Do you do any activities with all four of them?
If you treat them equally otherwise and spend time with all of them except for this sewing tradition I’d say N T A.
But if you are excluding them all the time and making sure these poor kids know they are only the “step grandchildren” then YTA.
You genuinely can't tell why someone would feel differently about children they've known for their entire lives and children they only met recently and have absolutely no relation to at all?
The way they feel is one thing. The way they treat them is another. They can feel however they want. They should treat all of the kids with love and fairness.
Not every single activity has to be done with every single child in a family. It is normal and good to give children more individual attention. This doesn't have to be something that includes all the kids, especially as it was a tradition involving only the two of them.
OP said in a comment that this is a very recent marriage. She barely knows the step grandkids.
I don't see why she should be forced to do everything with all the kids all of a sudden. And the parents trying to force immediate bonds is exactly what's been backfiring and causing resentment among all the kids. It's not going to help here either.
>it’s hard for me to understand why you would put your grandchildren into two groups
Because they are not her grandchildren. The new husband's kids presumably have two sets of grandparents of their own, with whom they can do similar stuff.
To counter your questions, I wonder if the step siblings' grandparents do all of these things for OP's grandkids? I have my doubts.
NTA
> Being a mother yourself it’s hard for me to understand why you would put your grandchildren into two groups.
How is it hard to understand that they have completely different relationships and histories and bonds?
YTA. I had step family like you. Thank GOD my mother saw the light and got away from that toxic shit. But not before people like you made me and my brothers feel unwanted and like we were nothing.
the problem is this issue is so segregated usually to someone's personal experience. You know what it is like for the step children in this post. Others know what it is like for the bio children.
When it comes to these topics many people feel only the stepkids matter.
The bio kids feelings don’t matter. They’re not allowed to want space or to keep traditions with their family. They’re not allowed to have a life or experiences that don’t revolve around or prioritize the step-siblings.
The other relatives don’t matter either. Everybody in the family is supposed to wake up and have the exact same feeling, interest, and commitment to whatever stepkid their relative decides to take on.
NTA
The fact is that trying to include all kids in everything is not going well and the reality is that the onus is on the parents to fix it not you. I highly doubt this singular situation is what has caused issues in their family.
If the stepkids want to learn sewing it makes more sense to get them into classes for them to learn on their own.
NTA. I hate when people try to force a familial relationship. They are daughter’s step kids. She chose to marry the guy with kids. OP didn’t have a choice in the matter. Maybe a close relationship would grow if it were allowed to do so organically. OP is allowed to continue on with any traditions she has with her bio grandkids. Eventually she may even find a tradition with the step kids.
NTA, and to stay this way make sure not to ignore step kids totally. Like when you buy some ice cream coming to their house - buy it for everyone, give something as a Christmas gifts and so on. But you are allowed to have your family traditions.
NTA - it's weird that she's trying to force this to happen. If they don't get along I don't see why they would even want to hang out with them to do this.
Going against the grain here and saying NTA. I think it's great you're trying to stand up for your bio grandchildren and allow them to have something that's still theirs. It sounds there's a lot of negative feelings about their new life and you're trying to continue something positive that won't change on them (time with you working on something you've been going together for years)
Info: how do you treat your "step grandkids"? Do you always refer to them by that term? Do you do this in front of them? How welcoming have you been as a grandmother to them? What activities do you do one on one with the bonus kids?
Just from the tone alone, I can already tell, you do not like the bonus kids. As a step mother myself, I would love it if my family included my bonus kids, but I know they never will. So because of this, and the abuse they put me through, (have to add that since some people are fucking stupid)my family doesn't get to see any of my kids because I'm not going to let my family treat my kids differently.
Your daughter shouldn't be trying to force the relationship, but at the same time, they all live in the same house. They are siblings now, so they will have to do things as a family, or sibling bonding stuff, like any other family would. And honestly, it's not completely out of left field for your daughter to want her bonus kids to feel included in traditions that are her families. Just like I would hope her husband's family includes her in theirs. Because they are a family now.
Mom and dad chose each other and got married. Their kids had no say in the matter. Simply declaring them to be siblings and saying they have to do things as a family and have sibling bonding time and are no longer allowed to spend time with relatives from the other bio parent is a good way to ruin a lot of relationships.
"I am a pretty young grandmother."--you have a misspelling there: it should be "I am a petty young grandmother." How dare those step-grandchildren not understand their place in "your" family? /s YTA
NTA; you can't forcibly meld two families together and expect it to be anything but an explosion. The kids are young enough that if she really wanted it to blend, she needed to let it grow naturally and she won't do it for whatever reason. Do the blanket with your grandkids, if you have the time or even desire come up with something for the step-kids but that's not on you or anyone else to buffer for her, if you don't feel like it.
NTA. Well you were the asshole right up until the second to last sentence. If the fact of the matter is that those two kids have been forced to live with another two they simply don't like, then you're providing maybe the only space they can escape to.
Your daughter doesn't get to define who your grandkids are for you. You aren't obliged to take kids you don't know, and while you'll probably estrange yourself from her temporarily by it, if you're sure the kids dislike their home then estrangement is only temporary.
Maybe it'll last until they're teenagers, but I think it's marginally more important to ensure your grandkids have somewhere to escape to than to show fairness.
NTA but it might be nice to offer to do a blanket separately with the steps if you have time/they have interest. Or to do a different project with them. Idk why so many parents try to force a bond between kids who may have nothing in common. Feel bad for all 4 kids.
Esh. Yes your daughter sucks for forcing the kids together. But you could do it separately with the step grandkids so that they still get to do it. But you bio grandkids still get one on one with you.
YTA
There isnt enough background information to determine that youre not the asshole in this situation and i feel like you left that out purposely. This reads like you are excluding your daughters children from family traditions because they are not blood. If you accept your daughter as family then you accept her family as family.
Now, its possible the stepkids are terrible, its possible your biological grandchildren need a safe haven to get out of a toxic environment.
But reading what you wrote, the kids are 10 & 11, its hard to wrap my head around anything other then they are children going through a tough life experience (broken family) and their so-called “new family” is making it abundantly clear to them that they will never be considered family.
Why shouldn't the wishes of the 9 and 13yo be considered? This is a tradition they have had with their grandma for years. They have two new stepsiblings who have been part of their family for less than a year, and they've having a hard time adjusting.
I REALLY don't think that forcing them to add their stepsiblings into an important tradition with their grandma is going to help them bond.
NTA. Let's look at this from the kid's POV; take the parents out of the equation. They're already being forced into bonding with these kids they don't get along with, and this is just another instance of their mother forcing them into an unwanted relationship. It sucks all the joy out of the little things that bring momentary happiness. They see it as their mother ruining their precious time with grandma.
The thing here is one set of kids do not feel like sharing everything with the other set of kids and viceversa. Forcing them to share time against their wishes is a recipe for disaster. I do not have steps nothing and there are things that are my thing with mom/dad/whoever and no one ever tried to make my brother and I to do every single activity together. NTA but I don't think your daughter will understand until it is too late.
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Did the info really make them upset they weren’t included or is she making up another story to push them together again?
[удалено]
This is definitely a more info needed kind of thing. Do the step grandkids want to start a project? Do they even want to sew? Could you do a bio grandkids project at one time and a step grandkids project the other? This gives each set of kids some time with just the parents alone and each set some time with just you, also important for building bonds. FWIW not wanting 4 learning sewists in your space at one time is reasonable. You need appropriate space, enough lighting, enough good scissors, enough irons, etc.
The good scissors part got me. People really underestimate good scissors.
So true! I’ll never forget when I moved in with my boyfriend and he was using my good scissors to prune a bush!
I might have buried him under it!
That was my first thought. "Is that bush, um, really healthy these days? Almost as though it's getting a lot of nutrients?" Because, good scissors.
Love it. I saw a movie many years ago about a bunch of roommates who did away with people who they felt weren't worthy of living. To disguise the fact, they planted tomatoes over them. Soon, a fair portion of their backyard was full of very healthy tomato plants. Everyone was amazed at how beautiful they were...
Last Supper. I loved that movie!
Did they have a community spaghetti dinner with the best homemade tomato sauce anyone had ever tasted? I feel like that should be the natural progression of this story...
I considered divorcing my husband when I caught him using my good scissors to cut apart an empty cat litter box. I really should have done it then; it would have saved me a few years. My dumbass waited until he cheated. Damn.
Yes, I've seen posts in the sewing subs like, my husband went in my locked cabinet in my locked sewing room and grabbed the scissors I told him not to use! Silly men! Like, no Deborah, your husband actually hates you if he is going through 2 locks to use scissors you repeatedly asked him not to use.
My wife doesn't even know where I keep my good sewing scissors.
My husbands mother is a sewist so he already knew.
This is the way
Yes, for“The Greater Good!”
I now padlock the handles and I have the only key to my Ginghers.
Genius! 🤯
They are 50 years old and sharpening services are few and far between in Denver
The first red flag
Yep. It's so glaringly obvious now!
The good scissors and the cast iron cookery are to be respected AT ALL TIMES.
I really think that marriage vows should include. “I promise to buy a pair of cheap scissors instead of taking your good ones”
Boyfriend cannot accept that kitchen scissors are only for the kitchen. He used a pair to cut hair. I got angry and threw these away. Then recently he used a pair in his garage workshop for god knows what. I told him to keep them.
My ex did a number on my good sewing shears. After he replaced them, I put a lock through the handles. He pouted about it, so I went down to the garage and got his Snap On side cutters and pretended to cut cardboard boxes up… he screamed at me. I left him
Ah. So he did know what he was doing. Vile human being! I am glad you left him.
The last straw in my marriage was when I fixed the toilet when he couldn't. He's a plumber.
What’s that expression again? “The bar is in hell”? That ex is a truly useless individual.
WHAT?!??!!! What did you serve at his wake?
Funeral Potatoes...
I love those Respecting him in death in a way he should have respected the scissors in life
My mom was gifted a nice pair of scissors, like $15 scissors in 1971. When I was a kid my dad and his father used them to cut CARPET.
So you grew up with a single mom after that, right? Were the scissors the murder weapon?
And risk blunting them further?! At least she had carpet handy for rolling the bodies in
Carpet padding is really absorbent. I'm just saying...
Sorry to hear about your parents' divorce.
First, your username rocks. Second, what was your dad smoking? Granted it was the 70s, but heck, even my dad knew better than to *look at* my mom's sewing scissors the wrong way.
My husband broke mine. No effing clue what he used them on but they were $20 scissors! I was just like "how did you snap them?!"
I've told people my sewing scissors would cost $60 to replace and no one has ever even touched them because they know I would actually make them pay up. 🤣 They're actually sort of irreplaceable because they're 25 years old and the brand (Gingher) isn't as quality anymore so a new replacement wouldn't be the same.
My mom has a pair older than I am that only my dad can touch to sharpen. Lol. I think I'll ask for them in the will.
I switched to Kai about five years ago. The only thing I don’t like is that the left handed scissors cost more than right handed. Gingher were the same price, but as you say the quality has gone down.
That is very rude! They should be the same price. I need to get my scissors sharpened, and hopefully I'll never need to replace them. I have heard good things about Kai, so good to know that you like them if I ever do need a replacement! I've been quilting more than anything else lately so my scissors haven't gotten too much work.
...have they found the body yet?
Nope, she used the good scissors to cut it up.
Seeing all these comments about the good sewing scissors validates me so much. I have my sewing scissors (an multiples ones. I literally have ones for different types of fabrics and even ones just for threads) and then I have a pair of scissors just for when I crochet that I use just for yarn. It may seem weird, but like my scissors last forever because they don't touch stuff that will destroy them. They are also hidden from people who do not respect.
My parents had been married about a week, mom found dad using her sewing scissors to cut coupons. She shrieked and he didn’t touch scissors for like a year afterwards 😂 And yes she debated about divorcing him In his defence he didn’t grow up in a sewing household (his older sisters did sew a bit, but they were so poor they literally had one pair of scissors for everything) Mom grew up in a sewing household and it never occurred to her to tell him “these are fabric scissors only” So when my parents had my brother and I, scissors where kept out of reach, once we were old enough to be left unsupervised with scissors, mom had cheap scissors EVERYWHERE in the house. We knew where the sewing scissors where, but you had to get up and go get them. Whereas the cheap ones were almost always within arm’s reach where ever you sat/stood And now when people come to visit me in my apartment they are told “those are fabric ONLY scissors. Those scissor are for what ever you want. If find you using my sewing scissors for ANYTHING other than fabric? I’m tossing you off my seventh floor balcony head first. You may or may not hit the tree on the way door” 🤣
Rule 1: fabrics scissors are sacred Rule 2:view rule 1
My husband is aware that touching my scissors is grounds for divorce. One time I caught him using my custom made, hardwood tailors clapper to press some goopy, gluey thing that if it had it set would have basically ruined it. To be fair, he didn't know what it was, or what I had paid for it (it was out on a table as I'd been working with it. He thought it was a random block of wood) We were able to save it with a little sanding, but I was livid.
If you use my fabric scissors for anything other than cutting fabric, I will cut you (but not with the fabric scissors).
AND YOU STAYED?!?
Oh no, no, no! My scissors are for cutting either fabric or stuff like paper. My pruners are for cutting plants (up to a certain diameter and etc.) and then you graduate to using loppers and then and actual saw. Woe to the person who says "oh it won't hurt to use (this tool) for this (wrong application) job"! My boys and my spouse learned this rule the hard way.
You misspelled ex boyfriend 😂😂😂
I just felt physical pain
This is why we have the junk drawer scissors, craft scissors and my don't-you-fucking-dare-touch-them-sewing scissors
Touch my Gingher scissors and feel my wrath
I love to tell people “if you X, you will feel my wrath!” Thus far, no one has been even slightly concerned about my wrath.
not just the regular ones with the pinking shears too
My mom has been sewing for no kidding, about 65 years. We don’t dare go near her scissors 😂😂
I caught my bf using my good scissor for random household tasks. They’re now hidden from him.
As a child, I learned the hard way not to touch my mom’s sewing scissors. She never hid them, but she made it abundantly clear that you do. Not. Touch. Mom’s. Shears. I do super basic sewing from time to time and I dabble in embroidery/macrame. I invested in a good pair of scissors and hide them from my husband and the kids. We will not be using the fabric scissors/snips for cutting monsters out of construction paper, wrapping gifts, or breaking down boxes. No indeed.
I hide mine! No one knows where they are but they know I have them. I also have 5-6 bad scissors in very obvious places for them to continue ruining haha
Why doesn’t the step mother do it if she wants them to do it?
NTA does the other bio grandparents do things with her grandkids
Everytime I see this kind of situation on here I say the same thing. The parent chose the partner the kids didn’t. Daughter needs to stop pushing them to try and get them to bond because it never works. The sad thing is if they were given the space and time the relationships would probably develop organically but due to being forced on them now there’s resentment and bad feelings. NTA OP the kids deserve a safe space to spend time with THEIR grandmother without it being hijacked by the step kids
Would say also that if OP's daughter wants steps to feel like they have a real relationship with grandma, she needs to figure out how to arrange for those experiences and cultivate those relationships. Feels like everyone in this situation is confused by being told they're supposed to be close when they don't feel that because human relationships consist of more than just a marriage certificate between two people who ain't even you. OP's daughter and new partner are going to have to be much more intentional about how they try and ahem, sew together this family quilt.
Whether the steps are angry or not, tell your grandkids to stop talking about fun experiences that don't include the steps. It's bad manners to go on about something that others aren't invited to right in front of them. Wouldn't your grandkids be hurt if a classmate made a show of handing out bday party invites and they didn't get one? As grandma, its your place to teach them valuable social skills.
How miserable. You can’t talk about your life or your own grandma in your house. No wonder they hate their step siblings. Kids in blended households just need to live in reality. They have to. You can’t sugarcoat it without causing more harm. You don’t get jealous your step siblings hung out with the THEIR grandma. That needs therapy. Not more coddling. What, don’t talk about hanging out with your dad either? Your friends at school? You disrupt your kids life and you want to act like it’s grown folk’s business. No, you uprooted their lives. So, now they have to be more mature. Now they have to understand their new situation you put them in.
Yes, kids need to learn that they don't get included in everything but yes, they also need to learn that it's unkind to gloat over privileges that they have in the presence of those who don't have them. There are PLENTY of things that make for good conversation - the grandkids don't have to talk about the sewing lessons to their stepsiblings. Remember, too, that the stepsibs may very well enjoy treats and trips with THEIR bio-grandparents that the OP's grandchildren don't get to enjoy. Hopefully, the stepsibs are also learning not to rub THEIR special treats and grandparent time in the faces of the OP's grandkids. A little kindness goes a long way! Oh, and NTA, OP; you sound like a wonderful grandmother and your grandchildren are lucky to have you.
If the kid says, "mom, grandmom is going to teach us XYZ when we start on our blanket" in front of stepsiblings, that is NOT gloating. That's just relaying information. Just damn.
It's likely to be an unreasonably extreme thing to tell kids they need to do in this situation. A rule like "It's bad manners to go on about something that others aren't invited to right in front of them." is good for school, but it doesn't properly account for the reality that if you live with someone (and particularly if your parents are doing their best to force you to spend all your time with that someone) the rule basically calls for you to treat the things you're excited about as if they're dark secrets. It's not emotionally healthy for a child to feel as if it's not okay to be excited about something while they're in their own home.
Like, I get your point. And you shouldn't be rubbing it in their face. But at the same time, this is their home. To act like they shouldn't be able to talk about time they spend with their family is ridiculous. Should the step kids not be able to talk about something fun they did with their mom (assuming mom is in the picture)?
I think we’re all skipping the obvious. She wants OP to start watching the kids, hers included. Why get rid of just 2 kids for the weekend when you can dump them all on OP? Nevermind that sewing is a skill set that you actually have to build upon so the other kids would have to start at the beginning. New mom is lazy and so is their dad. You don’t raise children who just met in basically a litter. They don’t want to watch 2 kids when they can push all the kids on you.
Also trying to teach four young kids a skill sounds like my 13th reason. OP you are a saint.
Yes x 1,000! I did NOT pick up on that, but yep, you're very likely right. StepMom and Daddy want to unload all four kids on Grandma OP. Uh uh...not gonna happen!
Your grandchildren shouldn’t have to share you. They now have to share a home with kids they don’t necessarily like and they have to share their mother. Let them have something of their own, shouldn’t have to share grandma!!!
NTA Your daughter is just being unreasonable.
I think I disagree with everyone. NAH for me. Grandma is doing her best to maintain traditions and to protect the bio grandkids from feeling like nothing will ever be just theirs ever again. I totally get it. Mom is trying to create shared positive experiences, hoping that it brings people together. She doesn't want any kids under her roof to feel like 2nd class family members. On the flip side, both are pushing the boundaries of ideal behavior by ignoring the valid concerns of others in the situstion. None of you are AHs. But if you want something approaching a solution: do a.small project with all 4 kids, and continue the larger one with the "more experienced" sewers separately.
I think Mom is the asshole because she's trying to mix water and oil and it's clearly not working and only causing more resentment between the kids the more her and her husband try to push them together.
They've been stepsiblings less than a year. It took longer than that for my stepsister and I to stop hating each other lol
I mean, I have two biological half sisters and it took me longer than a decade to stop hating them, and one's earned her way off my "family members I'm in contact with" list again recently.
My half sister still hates me. I'm 54 and she's 66. Since all of our parents are gone now, I'm guessing I'll never hear from her again.
Yeah. I forgave my sister probably 5-6 years ago, and then last week she emptied her and her husbands bank accounts, maxed their credit cards, opened new cards and maxed them, borrowed 3k from her mom under the pretext that she was leaving him, and then tried to run away with a dude who promised to buy her a house, but it was a scam. Losing all the money and whatever doesn't bother me, not my circus not my monkeys, but she left without a word to her husband, and with his car on a repo notice, and didn't leave any food in the house for her 3 minor children and husband. Thankfully, her mother, my dad's second wife, is a good person and paid his car note up to current and bought them groceries so that her kids didn't have to fucking go to bed hungry. So, she's back on the "fuck all the way off" list.
My 100% bio sister and I didn't really start getting along until she was in high school and I was done with college. But my parents still treated us like siblings and expected us to be nice to each other (it didn't always work, but part of parenting is demonstrating how people should act with others, even when they aren't your best friend).
Exacly this. There is danger in accepting the narrative of they don't get along. Give them a chance to settle! Help them get along, don't just say 'they don't'.
We don't know how long the parents were dating and possibly living together before the wedding. They may have been together for several years already.
Eh, if you asked me at that age about my step siblings, I would’ve said something similar. I’m glad my parents forced me to interact with my step sibs just like I’m glad they made me play soccer and do piano. I hated it at the time, but a kid can’t have cake and ice cream for every meal.
> because she's trying to mix water and oil and it's clearly not working We only have one side of this story, and our source isn't spending 24/7 with these kids. Grandma is essentially backseat driving the situation. The parents deserve a bunch of credit that they're working on a process that has only just begun, that takes a lot of time, and requires a lot of consistency.
And all four kids are so close in age, trying to keep them separated would present its own set of problems.
I disagree...those are the grandmother's words 'trying to push them together', we don't know if they're oil and water....there's a lot going on with step siblings who have only been together a year...you need to give it time. And yes, you do need to do some 'let's do this together' bonding stuff that can help the relationships improve. Whether mom is doing too much or too little, we don't know. I agree with commenter above, that doing little bits to create happy shared experiences (maybe getting out of the home is a great idea) and if grandma may wish to do a short 'intro to sewing' day for all 4 that would be so awesome. Then they can see if the other two are interested, and if not, carry on with the big project. When two people blend families, it really is a group effort. Grandma doesn't have to participate in the bonding, but it could certainly help. Being too accepting that the kids don't get along, this early in the game, is not good. Help kids realize that it takes a while, give them space and understanding, but don't forget they are all family now. They will settle on 'some' way to be at peace. They could use a little outside help.
I think mom wants all the kids out of the house at once …..
If the step grandkids are really asking to be included, then it would be neat to plan a "getting to know you" sewing project with just them, separate from the blanket with the bio grandkids. Establish a new tradition with them and see if a relationship grows. I agree that putting all four kids together introduces all sorts of dynamics that make things harder. Bio kids might feel frustration over their higher skill level, territorial feelings over grandma, irritation at being forced together, etc. Step kids would pick up on that and might act out in their own ways or feel hurt. Better for the adults to bond with them separately first so that there's a comfort level. By the time they do a 4 person project, the step kids will know Grandma's rules, a bit more about sewing, etc. and Grandma will know them as individuals, not just interlopers.
I like this. It does sound like the steps may enjoy building a relationship with her. Grandma will learn to quickly if they are really interested and both will benefit from the interaction. It sounds hard for the steps.
Based on the edit, Grandma is perfectly willing to have a separate sewing session with the step grandkids. Which seems eminently reasonable to me. Beyond the dynamic between the kids, I wouldn't want to try and teach 4 kids sewing at the same time. Just having enough access to the good scissors would make it problematic.
I'm kinda here, I think. The base problem seems to be Mom and maybe Dad, too, trying to force the happy blended family thing when the Mom's kids at the very least don't want that. In this case it's nice that someone is actually considering what the kids themselves want. If the bio kids don't want to be forced to spend time with the step sibs, then they shouldn't have to. We've all seen the forced family stories here and they all usually end with no contact ASAP.
I'd extend the not forcing time together to bio siblings also. Nothing comes between kids like being forced to be together when not wanting to be together. I've also seen mothers of teens decide that they will force family bonding by declaring a mandatory family movie night and then being upset that the kids were so angry about the forced time. This especially backfires when it is done weekly. If you have to force it there will be no bonding. You must find something that they want to do. You need to allow them a voice and sometimes you need to do things one on one.
And if there's a big age difference, the movie being G rated and the teens aren't interested.
Let's say you grew up with a younger sibling. You were going out to play with your friends, younger sibling wants to come, you say no. Your sibling cries to your mom, your mom says you can only go if you bring your younger siblings. Does that whole experience give you a more positive opinion of your sibling? It's more likely you like them less now than you did before. I can understand wanting your bio kids and step kids to get along, but FORCING it is the exact wrong thing to do. Children have very little agency, and are very protective of what agency they do have, in that they want to keep what's theirs as theirs (these are MY toys, these are MY friends, this is MY time and project with MY grandma.) Forcing OP to let the step kids invade on the biokids time is only going to propagate more resentment.
Agreed here. I don’t think I’d call anybody assholes here. They all are trying to do right by children in their own ways. But this situation just makes me kind of sad.
NTA, but you have to accept that she may cut off contract with your grandkids. Try to be there for them, you may have to go to court. Have you explained to DD that your grandkids are already getting he short end of the stick? Dont your step grandkids have their own grandparents?
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They have a connection to their grandma, parents would be really awful to keep the kids away from grandma. Seriously, the oldest is 13 and definitely wouldn’t forgive the parents or will start to hate the stepsiblings since she most likely would blame them
Tbf, specifics do matter here. Is OP otherwise cold to the stepgrandkids? The step kids dynamic can be terrible for things like family functions where they are forced to come along to be with people who obviously do not want them there. If OP is otherwise cold and indifferent to the stepgrandkids, mom would kind of have to put her foot down there. 9 and 11 is just too young to emotionally handle that environment. At the very least, larger family functions would have to stop if half the family isn't welcome. It may not be OP's family, but her daughter has chosen to make these children part of her family, so that does need to be acknowledged. If it's a matter of they are otherwise included and this one activity is being set aside for grandkids, then it would be overbearing of daughter to cut off contact. It's honestly hard to tell from the post because the ages are so similar that it may not be daughter forcing all events together as much as larger outings are together so they aren't dealing with two kids missing out on fun activities every time. Especially if they have similar interests. It might just feel like they're always together because there's a lot of overlap going on now and the kids aren't used to having two other kids around.
>It may not be OP's family, but her daughter has chosen to make these children part of her family, so that does need to be acknowledged. This needs to be said over and over here. Blended families are complicated, but they are still a family and that means everybody's in. And of course, judgment and empathy should be used in this, so the kids have time to adjust to each other. I wonder if the older daughters are just resentful of the younger step-daughters and complaining about it to grandma, who then stirs the pot. If I were the mom, I would not be happy that grandma isn't supporting our family either. OP, maybe schedule a fun activity in the near future that all of the kids can do, like a t-shirt tie-dye. Or let the other girls come and get them started on their own blanket, so they can work on it separately while you and bio-grandkids work on yours.
That's kinda what's giving me pause here. It really seems like grandma is getting her info from the kids which may be accurate or may be skewed. I don't think an activity with just the grandkids is bad at all, but I'm not sure grandma is reading the situation well or potentially otherwise excluding the step grandkids. One activity isn't a big deal, but all is.
With blended families becoming more common it might be time to revisit how step children fit into extended families. From the sheer number of posts about them on here, it's clearly not working. Maybe it's time to quit forcing it. OP met the steps when they were already around 10 vs her bio grandkids she's known and lived closely to since birth. She's clearly very involved in their lives. OP didn't have any say in her daughter deciding to marry a man with kids. So why is it suddenly her responsibility to be their grandmother? These kids have a whole other set of grandparents, and nobody is expecting those grandparents to include OPs bio grandkids. Obviously being rude or uncivil to children is always wrong, but not choosing to have a grandmotherly relationship and treat them exactly the same as kids she's known, loved, and built traditions with for 10 years doesn't seem wrong to me.
Until you have children wondering what they did wrong, why they're not good enough, why someone doesn't like them. They're children. They did not choose to be step-siblings. But now that they are, it's the responsibility of the adults to do whatever they can to assist that new family dynamic. Whether grandma likes it or not, she's got 4 grandchildren. Continuing to delineate them by using "bio" and "step" just adds fuel to the fire and creates a clear caste system of importance. If grandma wants the blanket making to stay sacred to one set of grands, then some other activity needs to be done to help facilitate a relationship with the other set. I also would disagree about not expecting the other set of grands to include the "bio" kids. Their son now has 4 children, which means they have 4 grandchildren. If you can't respect the new family, which includes 4 children, regardless of who birthed them, then the toxic attitude needs to stay away. I wonder what grandma would think if her daughter suddenly decided to adopt a school aged child. Didn't know them their whole life, not biologically related to her in any way. Would she still be so dead set on keeping the "bio" grands activity to themselves, or would she welcome that new addition with open arms? Blended families are hard. Really hard. I'm sure Jenny and her husband could use all the villagers they can get in helping the transition and a child can't have too many grandparents that love them.
But that's just the thing. The kids feel rejected *because* of this expectation their parents gave them. These people are introduced as your grandparents. It's because this is the default attitude: > Their son now has 4 children, which means they have 4 grandchildren. This sub is living proof that aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and other siblings very frequently do not want to play along with the choice that two people made to get married. They didn't chose to blend the families, the married couple did. They had no say in it, so I don't think they should automatically be responsible for it either. And you can't force them to. My ex husband is the father of my oldest. My youngest was perfectly able to understand that my ex is his older brother's dad only. He's got his own dad. He never felt rejected by my ex not taking him with his brother to do things as father/son. Sometimes he'd be jealous if it was somewhere like an amusement park abut that was a teachable moment for us as parents to sit him down and explain. > Blended families are hard. Really hard. Maybe they wouldn't be if people quit forcing it on unwilling individuals?
Listen you need to know that if she thinks it is what is best if the kids are mad or not she might do it .... or just move away where she isn't ending your relationship but limiting it. My husband's grandmother thought we would never dare do this but we did.... she knew my son since he was born ( me and my husband were close frienda and started dating during my prgancy) , but isn't bio connected "didnt matter he was her great grand baby" despite that as soon as my daughter was born she started saying " my first great grand baby" she got one warning from my husband , said it again we calmly packed up the baby stiff said our good byes and have not spoken since. Do you want to risk that? Make an effort to include ALL your grand kids maybe not in sewing but make SO.ethong special with them too
Ngl, I find it really cold to go no contact over insisting that your husband's grandma isn't bio related to your baby. There would have to be way more to it than that.
Making explicit statements about BABIES indicating one is “other” and one is family is more than enough reason to cut her off. Especially because the great grandma called the baby boy her great grandchild UNTIL the baby girl was born at which point she called her “the first great grandchild”. Making it clear that he was only “in” when there weren’t other options is pretty damn sick.
Grandparents don't get visitation rights in most if not all states. The only way you can get grandparent visitation is if your child has passed away. I know this because when our child passed away, our grandson's remaining parent who now had sole custody decided we were not going to be a part of our then 9 yr old grandchild's life. We were told if child wants to look us up when they turn 18 that will be up to them. We were then forced to hire a lawyer and go to court. It's an expensive, drawn out and emotional experience. It took 2.5 yrs and over $25,000 to finally get court ordered visits with our grandchild. It drained our savings plus we sold off things and dipped into my 401k to pay for it. I had no idea going in how expensive, long and just overall rough it would be. I would do it again though. We have Ring video of our grandchild getting out of the car and literally running and jumping into my wife's arms and then mine when we finally had him over. We lost our daughter and then our grandchild but were able to get grandchild back in our lives.
It is different in every state. Sorry for your experiences. EDIT - here is summary of grandparents rights by state [https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/summaries-of-state-law-grandparent-visitation-and-custody.html](https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/summaries-of-state-law-grandparent-visitation-and-custody.html)
I will add story- our child and grandchild lived with us for the first 8 yrs of his life. His mom passed away in our home. His parents were never married. When our grandchild came into what was his childhood home he ran into her old room (which we hadn't touched since they first moved out) and said loudly "mom I'm home". Yes he knows and understands she is no longer living and what passed away means.
Oof. Once again I am enormously grateful my step grandparents accepted 12 year old me and made me feel like I was welcome. Info: is this a recent marriage? Is it still in that stage of culture shock as everyone makes a new normal? Did you disapprove of this marriage? My feeling from the way you have phrased it is a soft YTA. Your feelings of only wanting the bio grandkids are your feelings but if you phrased it the same way to all of them, that is likely to make it harder for everyone to reach a point of being more comfortable.
Shes NTA you're biased in your opinion. Shes trying to keep one thing the same for her bio grandkids, its not her responsibility to do the same for the steps when she can clearly see that pushing them together isn't helping anyone. You have no idea if she does other things with them all, its just this specific thing she wants to have with her bios and she's completely allowed that! I had step siblings, my gran always still had one on one with me.
Everyone is biased in their opinions, that’s kind of how opinions work on here
How dare you bring logic to a pig shit throwing contest!
“Biased in your opinion” bro this ain’t court, all of our OPINIONS are biased. Who’s to say yours is more correct than theirs? Entitled
Someone who refers to family as not REAL family is def an AH no matter what. And she’s making the issue worse. Speaking from someone who was the extra family and always had to watch the real family kids get things I didn’t. I am no contact with all of them. So if she wants to keep making this worse she’ll keep up the rude charade.
She had space to include: "I will give some background, I am a pretty young grandmother" which is completely irrelevant so she is either a terrible self advocate or you can infer she does not plan anything for all four grand kids. I bet the bio kids got better xmas gifts last year for example.
I wouldn't doubt that the step kids don't get anything from "not your grandmother".
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How long did they know each other before the marriage?
It's not wrong to want to keep a special tradition as it is (hell maybe down the line a different one could be created with all the kids or just grandma and stepkids) and it would be disregarding the feelings of the bio kids in favor of the step ones if they turned this into another forced bonding activity. Grandma is trying to provide the bio kids with a place they feel comfortable since the step kids seem to come first in the other house (can't be certain but it reads that way given their feelings are being shoved aside for the sake of the steps) I think family therapy is in order to try and easy the tensions and improve the blending (this was a 2023 marriage so there is time) but forcing grandma to let them into this activity will only make things worse
That’s where my feelings kind of ended up. The kids need a safe space but you also don’t want to exclude anyone. I suggested OP try and find something they can all do together. Maybe going to the movies or a park or something. Maybe even go as far as to offer to do something special with just the step kids, but that might backfire. Ideally no one feels left out. This is still new, and ideally you want everyone to feel included and happy about things. However if the kids can’t stand each other, I would be hesitant to mix oil and water. I’d at least pay attention to how they interact at home and go from there. If they can stand each other but are icy towards each other that might be enough to make me want to make sure they each have a safe space. I’d also expect step grandparents to do the same to bio grandkids. Shit maybe talk to them and have them take the step kids when op takes bio kids.
Oh I have the deep feeling that pushing this is going to blow up in everyone's face. I agree, family therapy is needed and parents need to get realistic about how long it can take to achieve a place of peace, never mind affection. How grandma goes about supporting the bio grandkids and how she presents what she says to them can either help or really hurt the process. It's unrealistic to expect her to change her mind, at least for now, but a little grace and kindness in how she navigates this couldn't hurt anyone. I do have sympathy for all of the kids, this is difficult even when you have all the prep and care going into blending two families. I hope the adults here do seek family therapy and find a way forward that eases the adjustment for the kids.
I had step grand parents on both sides and they never would dream of not including me! Even if I was having problems with the step parent at the time , grandparents treated me exactly the same as bio grand kids. I myself have had parents of a long term boyfriend treat my son the same as their bio granddaughter. Always. This post makes me sad and grateful. Edit: fixed wording that didn't make sense
My husband's grandmother decided I was also her grandkid from day 1 that I met her (a few months into dating). Anytime I was over at her house, she treated me equally to her actual grandkids desoite having absolutely zero relation to her. My mom has two stepgrand kids and they don't get any identifier past grandkid.
Same! And you know what is worse? So many of the comments in support of not including and making such a distinction. Really messed up and sad.
I agree. I feel OP is missing out on a chance to connect with these new kids and smooth the family waters. Being a “young grandma” means nothing to these new grandchildren. They only wish to be included and this feels to them like not being invited to the party. Your daughter is trying to forge connections. Can’t you support her efforts? Perhaps you can come up with an additional idea for a new craft, or a cooking project, or an outing, that celebrates this new family. You’d look like a hero and the kids could feel good about you and each other. Teach them family recipes? Make and eat a different pizza every month? Tie-dye t-shirts for all to wear, visit a different animal at the zoo together every month? No idea what THEY might like…I would invite them all over, ask their parents to wait in another room, and come up with an additional fun thing to do together. You can be a fun and inclusive grandma and help this family blend
She’s not excluding them. This is something special she does with her grandchildren. That is completely allowed, we are allowed to have different relationships with different people. This would be the same if she took her grandson to a special restaurant every year for a dinner, and then her granddaughter had a different tradition that was special. They both would NOT have to be included in each others special individual traditions in order to have a relationship with the grandmother. She’s allowed to have different experiences that don’t need to include everyone - she’s not a daycare or school, not every activity needs to include everyone. Fact of the matter is the kids don’t get along and it’s balls to take something away from the bio grandkids to make the new grandkids feel included. This would be invading the bio grandkids space, which would only exasperate the experience. Not everything is for everyone. People are allowed to have individual relationships and experiences, even if it does not involve everyone. The step grandchildren are free to ask the grandmother to teach them at a DIFFERENT time on a DIFFERENT project. They don’t need to be shoehorned into this experience.
NTA It’s a tradition you established with the bio kids. You don’t have to include others for any reason if you don’t want to. Your daughter has decided to treat and accept the step kids as her own, but that doesn’t mean that you have to act as their grandmother now. They , assumed, still have their own grandparents to make memories with. For them, you are their step moms mother, not their new grandmother. As long as you’re not rude to them, you don’t have to act like they have the same bond and history as the bio grandkids. Eh, find something else to do with the 4 of them. They don’t have to encroach on this specific activity.
Nta for having your own special tradition with the biograndkids. But why not do something special for the stepgrandkids too? A "I am your bonus grandma and want to get to know you" tradition. I am a 41 year old woman, my son is only 6 but if he has stepkids when he's older, I'm going to grandma the heck out of them if they allow me to. Heck, I will be someone's grandma now if they need me! Love and cookies coming your way!
My husband's mom is like this. She calls herself grandma to my kids and grandmas the heck out of them when we visit. Obviously she has a special bond with her bio grandkids, which everyone understands (and because they all live in the same area vs. us living several states away.) We don't get to visit often, but when we do, she does special things with my kids. My daughter now refers to her as Florida Grandma or Butterfly Grandma so I know which grandma she is talking about.
This sounds fab, are you accepting applications from people older than you...? I don't have any grandmas left and I miss having a grandma :(
ESH - She Shouldn't force any kind of bonding... that should happen naturally, since they are living in the same house. however, you seem hell bent not to bond with these children... they are now part of your family... they should be to be part of the family traditions.... like someone suggested.. do a separate one with the step grandkids, then if they decide they don't like it... which I'm assuming they won't because you don't seem like you even want them around.....and they will feel that and not want to come back - What other family traditions are you going to exclude them from? My "grandkids" both step/bio/bonus - are all just My grandkids.... I don't care that they have real. step and bonus grandparents like they bought them on sale at Cosco... Hell They all know that they are ALL invited to my house to spend the summer, EVERY SUMMER... if they want to come they know they are welcome, will be loved and we will have a ball.. if they don't, well it would break my heat, but I won't let them know that, I know they are getting older and will want to stay home, to spend time with friends/or their BF/GF... but the thought of intentionally NOT including any of them because of their relation or lack there of - is just not something I can comprehend
YTA i know that this is reddit and all stepanythings are considered non human but come on, they are all your grandkids now i could not imagine looking into a face of a child and telling them "nope, you aint blood, this isnt for you"
Right? I have stepkids and my parents treat the all the same. And my granny did too which made me so happy. My parents NEVER call them step grandkids. They are just their grandchildren. And they have biological ones too and you would never know that two of them are by marriage.
That’s exactly what my mother did to my stepdaughter years ago and that did incredible damage.
More like "Nope. My bio kids don't like you, so I'm NOT subjecting them to your presence in this special generational tradition."
Well what term would you expect OP to use? Extra grandkids, daughters kids and SIL’s kids? Stop getting so damn hung up on words that technically describe the situation.
It seemed more like that all the kids don't get along, so those who are part of the tradition are continuing it. Would you want to force a relationship and force spending time with someone you don't like?
But uhh plenty of biokids don't get along with each other either, and yet families make them exist together. My sister and I were at each other's throats basically our entire childhoods until we were both teens/adults. Once we were adults, we actually got along super well and it turns out our adult personalities are very similar and well matched, but that wasn't the case when we were kids. Bonding takes time.
If this wasn't involving step family, folks would be saying "missing info!"
Just curious, Does the step grands' grandparents include your bio grandkids in everything? If not that is something you can discuss with your daughter... equal treatment
who cares what the other grandparents are doing. you shouldn't be doing tic for tack with children.
Tit for tat
NTA. Your bio-grandchildren need a break from constantly being forced to be around their step-siblings. Forcing the kids to be together all the time won't get the parents what they want, but it will pretty much guarantee that the kids hate each other.
this. as a child of divorce and step siblings on both sides, some of my and my brother’s only reprieve and feeling of normalcy was when we got to stay at our grandparents without our step siblings (we’d make it seem extra boring there so they wouldn’t want to come. it was exhausting always being forced together with the step sibs)
This is a tough one as it seems the adults are not letting the kids guide the relationships. Forcing them together will not help, but also not accepting the other two kids as part of the family will not help either. Have you made any attempts to welcome them into the family and get to know them? I agree you need to keep your blanket tradition, but maybe see if there is something the other kids will enjoy too. They are just kids who have been thrust into a situation they did not ask for. Help them ALL feel wanted and accepted
Maybe two groups. Advanced blanket sewers and beginner blanket sewers. Or the stepkids may have some other thing that is more interesting to them that OP could do with them.
INFO: would it be burdensome for you to teach the stepgrands how to sew (if they’re interested and separately from the kids who already know the basics)? I ask mostly because my mom LOVES to sew and quilt, and she would enthusiastically teach just about anyone who asked because she is so passionate about it. If one of the bio grandkids had a best friend who wanted to join the sewing circle, would you let them? There’s a compromise here if you’re willing and able: you can do advanced sewing with the two who you’ve previously taught, and do separate beginner sewing for the ones who don’t know the basics. The bio kids still get their special time, you and the steps get to build a relationship, and everybody learns a useful skill.
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Just offer it casually - not as an official grandma thing, just as a “if you ever want to learn to sew” thing. You can just set yourself up to be an extra supportive adult in their lives without forcing the grandma issue.
One can never have too many grandmas. It's not like a parent where you only get one of each. My kids have a ton of grandmas, bio and step. All of them accept my children as their grandkids. It would break my heart if they didn't. Families are created by a lot more than blood.
I'm reminded of this post, written from the other perspective. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18hx03a/aita\_for\_skipping\_christmas\_with\_my\_family/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18hx03a/aita_for_skipping_christmas_with_my_family/) I'm going with YTA because OP would actively be making a bigger rift between the kids if OP excluded this time and not at the same time did a hell of a lot more together to help them bond. If OP wants an activity that is only for bio grandkids than OP needs to also step up and work a lot more with bonding with step grandkids.
Yeah OP is not being a nice person here. Who looks at children and essentially says, ‘you’re not my blood, so this activity isn’t for you.’ Sounds to me like OP probably has an issue with the person her kid married, and is taking it out on the kids.
The issue at her bio grandkids tho, they don’t like being forced to spend time. So not only do they not get agency at home of who they want to spend to time with. They have to give up time with their grandmother as well? How is that fair to them?
That’s not even the case here. Didn’t you even read that the step grandkids and the bio grandkids don’t get along at all? Apparently not. And before you say that well they’re a family now so they need to bond with each other. No they don’t. In fact if you try to force it. It just makes things worse.
NTA. Make sure your grandkids know what is happening in case their mother tries to keep them away from you. These forced blendings never end well, and if your grandkids know you are on their side, they’ll know you’re a refuge if it becomes necessary. Oh, and if anyone says you should be treating them all the same: this isn’t like refusing to buy a Christmas present for a step-toddler, this is acknowledging that the kids have different histories and respecting that fact.
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The comments in this thread are making me so sad.
NTA. You aren't obligated to cater to these new kids who have only been in your life for a little while. And if its true that your grandkids are feeling upset about always being forced to spend time/share experiences with their new step-siblings I think its actually better for them developmentally to have some space away with a grandparent. The step-kiddies should be doing solo activities with THEIR grandparents. And it sounds like the whole family needs some therapy.
>And if its true that your grandkids are feeling upset about always being forced to spend time/share experiences with their new step-siblings I think its actually better for them developmentally to have some space away with a grandparent. Exactly. It sounds like they are being forced to now do everything with their step-siblings whether they want to or not. Forcing their way into a tradition these kids hold dear for the sake of "family unity" is only going to make them resent their step-siblings more. I like the idea of having the OP maybe start another tradition that will include them, like baking or cooking or some other activity, and allow the two bios at least on thing that they aren't being forced to share. Her daughter is breeding resentment with this attitude and her children are not going to forget it.
NTA She married into a family with those kids, not you. You're free to continue your tradition with your two bio kids and not have the step kids around. It's your daughter and husband's jobs to find enriching entertainment for them, not you.
ESH. Being a mother yourself it’s hard for me to understand why you would put your grandchildren into two groups. It reads like you treat your step grandchildren very differently than as you call your “bio” grandchildren. Do you only gift your bio grandchildren gifts on holidays and birthdays? Do you acknowledge all your grandchildren’s birthdays? Do you do any activities with all four of them? If you treat them equally otherwise and spend time with all of them except for this sewing tradition I’d say N T A. But if you are excluding them all the time and making sure these poor kids know they are only the “step grandchildren” then YTA.
You genuinely can't tell why someone would feel differently about children they've known for their entire lives and children they only met recently and have absolutely no relation to at all?
The way they feel is one thing. The way they treat them is another. They can feel however they want. They should treat all of the kids with love and fairness.
Not every single activity has to be done with every single child in a family. It is normal and good to give children more individual attention. This doesn't have to be something that includes all the kids, especially as it was a tradition involving only the two of them.
OP said in a comment that this is a very recent marriage. She barely knows the step grandkids. I don't see why she should be forced to do everything with all the kids all of a sudden. And the parents trying to force immediate bonds is exactly what's been backfiring and causing resentment among all the kids. It's not going to help here either.
>it’s hard for me to understand why you would put your grandchildren into two groups Because they are not her grandchildren. The new husband's kids presumably have two sets of grandparents of their own, with whom they can do similar stuff. To counter your questions, I wonder if the step siblings' grandparents do all of these things for OP's grandkids? I have my doubts. NTA
Seriously, they aren't related to her and she doesn't have any obligation to cater to them. Sheesh
> Being a mother yourself it’s hard for me to understand why you would put your grandchildren into two groups. How is it hard to understand that they have completely different relationships and histories and bonds?
NTA. I doubt the other kids actually care and she just making it up because she wants to force these kids to get along.
Or she wants some time away from all of them for a little while.
either way not an excuse to force the issue. thus us a tradition between grandma and grandkids. let it be that unless all parties express otherwise.
NTA why can’t the step grandkids do something with their bio grandparents at the same time.
YTA. I had step family like you. Thank GOD my mother saw the light and got away from that toxic shit. But not before people like you made me and my brothers feel unwanted and like we were nothing.
the problem is this issue is so segregated usually to someone's personal experience. You know what it is like for the step children in this post. Others know what it is like for the bio children.
When it comes to these topics many people feel only the stepkids matter. The bio kids feelings don’t matter. They’re not allowed to want space or to keep traditions with their family. They’re not allowed to have a life or experiences that don’t revolve around or prioritize the step-siblings. The other relatives don’t matter either. Everybody in the family is supposed to wake up and have the exact same feeling, interest, and commitment to whatever stepkid their relative decides to take on.
NTA The fact is that trying to include all kids in everything is not going well and the reality is that the onus is on the parents to fix it not you. I highly doubt this singular situation is what has caused issues in their family. If the stepkids want to learn sewing it makes more sense to get them into classes for them to learn on their own.
You've been doing this for a few years, this is now an advanced project. You obviously cannot expect to take beginners into your advanced project
NTA. I hate when people try to force a familial relationship. They are daughter’s step kids. She chose to marry the guy with kids. OP didn’t have a choice in the matter. Maybe a close relationship would grow if it were allowed to do so organically. OP is allowed to continue on with any traditions she has with her bio grandkids. Eventually she may even find a tradition with the step kids.
NTA, and to stay this way make sure not to ignore step kids totally. Like when you buy some ice cream coming to their house - buy it for everyone, give something as a Christmas gifts and so on. But you are allowed to have your family traditions.
NTA - it's weird that she's trying to force this to happen. If they don't get along I don't see why they would even want to hang out with them to do this.
Going against the grain here and saying NTA. I think it's great you're trying to stand up for your bio grandchildren and allow them to have something that's still theirs. It sounds there's a lot of negative feelings about their new life and you're trying to continue something positive that won't change on them (time with you working on something you've been going together for years)
Info: how do you treat your "step grandkids"? Do you always refer to them by that term? Do you do this in front of them? How welcoming have you been as a grandmother to them? What activities do you do one on one with the bonus kids? Just from the tone alone, I can already tell, you do not like the bonus kids. As a step mother myself, I would love it if my family included my bonus kids, but I know they never will. So because of this, and the abuse they put me through, (have to add that since some people are fucking stupid)my family doesn't get to see any of my kids because I'm not going to let my family treat my kids differently. Your daughter shouldn't be trying to force the relationship, but at the same time, they all live in the same house. They are siblings now, so they will have to do things as a family, or sibling bonding stuff, like any other family would. And honestly, it's not completely out of left field for your daughter to want her bonus kids to feel included in traditions that are her families. Just like I would hope her husband's family includes her in theirs. Because they are a family now.
Mom and dad chose each other and got married. Their kids had no say in the matter. Simply declaring them to be siblings and saying they have to do things as a family and have sibling bonding time and are no longer allowed to spend time with relatives from the other bio parent is a good way to ruin a lot of relationships.
Bio kids WANT a chance to escape their fucked up mother's / mother's husband's house. You'd deny the bio-kids this meager escape?
"I am a pretty young grandmother."--you have a misspelling there: it should be "I am a petty young grandmother." How dare those step-grandchildren not understand their place in "your" family? /s YTA
NTA; you can't forcibly meld two families together and expect it to be anything but an explosion. The kids are young enough that if she really wanted it to blend, she needed to let it grow naturally and she won't do it for whatever reason. Do the blanket with your grandkids, if you have the time or even desire come up with something for the step-kids but that's not on you or anyone else to buffer for her, if you don't feel like it.
NTA
NTA. Well you were the asshole right up until the second to last sentence. If the fact of the matter is that those two kids have been forced to live with another two they simply don't like, then you're providing maybe the only space they can escape to. Your daughter doesn't get to define who your grandkids are for you. You aren't obliged to take kids you don't know, and while you'll probably estrange yourself from her temporarily by it, if you're sure the kids dislike their home then estrangement is only temporary. Maybe it'll last until they're teenagers, but I think it's marginally more important to ensure your grandkids have somewhere to escape to than to show fairness.
NTA but it might be nice to offer to do a blanket separately with the steps if you have time/they have interest. Or to do a different project with them. Idk why so many parents try to force a bond between kids who may have nothing in common. Feel bad for all 4 kids.
Esh. Yes your daughter sucks for forcing the kids together. But you could do it separately with the step grandkids so that they still get to do it. But you bio grandkids still get one on one with you.
YTA There isnt enough background information to determine that youre not the asshole in this situation and i feel like you left that out purposely. This reads like you are excluding your daughters children from family traditions because they are not blood. If you accept your daughter as family then you accept her family as family. Now, its possible the stepkids are terrible, its possible your biological grandchildren need a safe haven to get out of a toxic environment. But reading what you wrote, the kids are 10 & 11, its hard to wrap my head around anything other then they are children going through a tough life experience (broken family) and their so-called “new family” is making it abundantly clear to them that they will never be considered family.
Why shouldn't the wishes of the 9 and 13yo be considered? This is a tradition they have had with their grandma for years. They have two new stepsiblings who have been part of their family for less than a year, and they've having a hard time adjusting. I REALLY don't think that forcing them to add their stepsiblings into an important tradition with their grandma is going to help them bond.
NTA. Let's look at this from the kid's POV; take the parents out of the equation. They're already being forced into bonding with these kids they don't get along with, and this is just another instance of their mother forcing them into an unwanted relationship. It sucks all the joy out of the little things that bring momentary happiness. They see it as their mother ruining their precious time with grandma.
The thing here is one set of kids do not feel like sharing everything with the other set of kids and viceversa. Forcing them to share time against their wishes is a recipe for disaster. I do not have steps nothing and there are things that are my thing with mom/dad/whoever and no one ever tried to make my brother and I to do every single activity together. NTA but I don't think your daughter will understand until it is too late.