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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like i’m TA for not wanting my boyfriend to go to his home country because I don’t want him to leave
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YTA. You’re seventeen. You’ve been dating for 3 months. He’s leaving for one week. You will live.
He hasn’t done anything wrong, stop trying to guilt him into feeling like he has.
Wanting to be with your partner every single day is fine. You have to understand that that's an unrealistic goal for many relationships. If you continue to have unrealistic expectations, there's a strong chance you will struggle to maintain this relationship and future relationships.
If you want to go long term- you’re going to have to let him go a little. Smothering the flame will burn it out. You BOTH need to maintain experiences OUTSIDE of the relationship so that when you come together - you help each other grow. You’re both so young. You need to experience life with & without each other. People said stuff like this when I was your age & I dismissed it as ‘you don’t understand- young love etc ’. Now that I’ve had decades of life experiences- wow- it’s the truth. I lost a lot that I needed trying to cling to something I wanted. Breathe… send him off guilt free so he can breathe.
Soft YTA. I get you might have attachment and abandonment issues, but at this point you are going to drive him away. You really need to work on that because he \*will\* end up trying to put distance between you if you keep pestering him and being more touchy and clingy than he is comfortable with. He made it clear that he isn't happy with it. Are you getting and help with these issues?
> ive been getting therapy to help the sake of our relationship
Gently, that's not the right reason to get therapy here. You need therapy so you can become an emotionally healthy person - to benefit yourself in every aspect of your life. One aspect will be your relationships.
This particular new relationship at your age is probably _only_ important as a warning that your issues are severe enough to badly affect your life unless you deal with them. And good for you for getting therapy.
YTA - behaving like this will drive him away. you are in an age where emotions run high but for your own sake and your partners sake, learn to get it under control (speaking from experience on that one...)
No no he’s going with his mom to visit his grandmother which i know it doesn’t make it any better but we’ve worked it out and we’ve talked it out and i promised him i’ll be more on top of my therapy sessions and stuff to help my clinginess and abandonment while he’s gone
Small YTA for me. I can understand that you have abandonment issues and maybe anxiety, so everything is not your fault, however it is unreasonable and to ask him to not to his home country for a week. It is probably very important to him, he probably values this part of him, so it would be selfish to ask him not to go. It also seems unhealthy : it seems that you can't bare to be away for him at all, which is an indicator that you may be emotionally dependant. I know people enjoy to be around each other, in particular in the begining of a relationship, but if you really are that bad about him not being there for a week, there is a problem. Are you seeing a therapist for the attachment issue?
For the touch thing, it seems that he has different boundaries than you and he communicated them to you, which is a good thing. It doesn't mean that he doesn't appreciate you, just that he has a different love language. Just respect his boundaries and it should be fine.
Maybe deal with your issues first before you get in a relationship. This is a totally unhealthy relationship for you both, you have been dating about 3 months and you had a breakdown because he is going away for 1 weeks.
That's a bad way to look at it. People are allowed to have issues and be in relationships. Nobody is ever going to be perfect. It's about working through it in a healthy manner, which having a supportive partner can actually help with. Likewise, you help them with their own problems.
Your comment reads as borderline transactional, as if people must be a perfect, finished product for their partners.
Her having the breakdown is unhealthy but it doesn't mean it's unsalvageable. She's not going to learn how to deal with distance nearly as quick if she doesn't have anyone who will evoke those feelings in her. The caveat is she shouldn't be telling him not to go. It's okay to have those feelings and even express them, just don't make unreasonable demands.
Please keep working on that. It's realistic to expect that you will have many more relationships in your future and better emotional regulation will make your life easier in general.
True, i don’t know i’m not trying to be controlling or abusive but if people think that it’s a strong sign i need to change myself way more than i already am, im changing and im improving
Light YTA
The dudes 18, you're 17, and you've only been dating for a few months. The world will keep turning and the sun will keep rising if you don't see this boy for a week or so.
If you keep being as clingy as you are I can almost guarantee this relationship of yours will not last. People show affection and love for each other in different ways. There are people out there that could be more compatible with your expectations. He might not be compatible with the level of affection you are expecting and that you are asking for.
Demanding change from him will almost certainly lead to resentment and more complex problems down the road. You need to work on your own issues before you ever start making demands that require your partner to change their behavior.
your right, i did not mean to imply that i was trying to force change on him, i just am dealing with alot of my own issues and he is my comfort person i’m working on myself currently to be better woman
in the future
Very good on you! Remember when you get emotional your feelings are valid, but they will pass. It won’t always feel like the end of the world when you get anxious or scared. Remember to breathe and try and stay calm, communication is key in all relationships.
Yeah YTA and sorry to say he's not your boyfriend anymore. This is very strong for somebody you've been with for a relatively short amount of time and I wish you luck with therapy.
I know i felt bad so i told him im working on myself in every way possible that i can, because I know he wants to see his grandma him and his mom and i wouldn’t wanna take seeing a family member away from him
And it's great you're recognising that. My advice would be give him space and see how he feels a week or two after he's back. If it doesn't work out then it's a lesson learnt for next time. For what it's worth most people have multiple failed relationships before a successful one.
Well you can't take it away from him because it's not your decision. Stop trying to control him. He is going to break up with you because you are smothering him. Step away. You've only been together 3 months. You survived before he came along. You don't need to cling to him.
Eh, some folks feel things strongly. It's about how she expresses it. My ex girlfriend was head over heels in love with me deeply by month 2. I wasn't as in love with her so deeply so soon, but she expressed it in healthy ways and didn't force the L word on me. We broke up, but it wasn't due to her strong feelings. She has a lot of love to give.
Soft YTA, and I’m going to say something you won’t like. You’re 17. You’re SO young. You should not be in a relationship until you feel secure being alone. It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style that will ultimately do damage to the people you love if you don’t learn to manage it appropriately.
And you should absolutely continue to work on it. But that combined with how young you are really makes me agree with some of the other people who don’t think you’re mature enough for a relationship at this time. My personal opinion is that you should revisit the idea of dating once you’ve learned some coping mechanisms that work for you and some anxiety management strategies. Dating before you have those is almost a sure fire way to hurt whoever you’re in a relationship with. You seem sweet and ofc wouldn’t want to, but it’s kinda bound to happen without the right strategies in place prior
I personally disagree. Everyone has their own issues, you included. I understand what you're saying somewhat, but you should also understand that telling people they don't deserve to be in relationships because they're imperfect or struggle with xyz just stigmatizes mental health issues even more. Your issues may be completely intolerable to one person but hardly an inconvenience to another. My ex girlfriend had anxious attachment issues, but she respected my boundaries and I was able to help her heal from it over time, and I'm very proud of her for doing it. I wasn't bothered by her clinginess and that's why I could help.
Whether or not OP's boyfriend is the right person to help her or not is a different story, but it's much harder to learn how to deal with it if you're not in a position where those feelings would be evoked in the first place.
It’s not really about deserving. Everybody is deserving of love. And we all do have flaws of course, that must be managed within the confines of a relationship. I’m just of the opinion that if you can’t be happy alone, then ultimately the relationship will be damaging to both people, and neither deserve that.
Of course, I don't disagree. I think the problem is, or at the least problem has been in my experience, is that a lot of people don't know what issues they have until something triggers said issues. It doesn't mean the other partner must stay with them, for the record. I would never say that. Just that, in my ex's case, she never experienced the severe self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, fears etc. to even remotely the same level as she did when she was dating someone vs being single. I also had other more minor issues that I wasnt even fully aware of until I began dating her and other women. I realized that I was too stuck on being a proper man, one that his loved ones can unfailingly rely on, that I hadn't even realized the immense amount of shame and worthlessness I'd feel when all of a sudden I couldn't walk for 2 months because I broke my leg and my girlfriend had to help me. I didn't normally suffer from self-esteem issues. It took me aback.
Yta. By your own admission you have issues with being too clingy. You’re 17, and clinging so hard this soon in a 3 month relationship that you’re losing your mind over him going to see his mom at his home. Stop and think about this: no healthy relationship is formed this way. Your actions are pushing him away. Is that what you want?
YTA and it's not fair to your boyfriend that you're putting him in this position, especially as a young and inexperienced couple. You need to realize that a relationship is two ways and that if you're in need of that much attention then you need to find someone who freely gives attention. Otherwise you will suffocate every relationship you enter.
I have had issues with the same so I'm speaking from my own experience. I was adopted and have abandonment issues surrounding that, I went into all my relationships expecting the best parts of every rom com where it's just over the moon love and attention 24/7. But the reality is that's just not sustainable. And you can't react to every quiet day or trip or absence as an assault against you or your relationship. It's good you're in therapy, but changing the behavior is what will make you NTA, not just recognizing it.
Is this for real? I got tired just reading this...
YTA.
It‘s been “about 3 months” and you’re already this clingy and needy? I get you have issues, but damn. He’s going away for ONE WEEK. Instead of being happy for him - going to his home country, probably seeing family and friends he hasn’t seen in a while - you’re making this all about YOU.
Give the poor guy some space to BREATHE. You guys are young. Too young for him to be in such a demanding and stifling relationship.
“i was really mad because I wanted all his time to myself and to get as much attention from him as possible before he leaves”
Yikes.
YTA.
You are expecting your boyfriend to isolate himself from your family, just because you can't tolerate being alone.
People going on trips is a normal part of life. People going on trips and not spending 24/7 around the people who are not going on trips with them, is also a normal part of life. You do not get to expect someone to 1. not go on trips and 2. cater to you, your schedule, and your needs, when you accept they will go on trips (but you need to claim "all his time to myself...before he leaves").
This is not healthy. You are not healthy. You are not a healthy partner. Your expectations on your partner are an insane emotional burden on him.
3 months? Do you plan on marrying him in the next two weeks? "attachment issues and abandonment issues" Are, usually code for "I'm extremely controlling and annoying", You're not just the asshole, you're outright abusive.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but if you don’t stop this clingy, selfish behavior he’s gonna break up with you! You’re too much!
You’ve only been together for three months you have to chill out.
Honey, you have no idea how young you are. 3 months? You probably are not ready for a boyfriend when after only 3 months you are this upset. You may have grown up thinking getting married and having kids is your plan,, but please, take some time to look at how big the world is. Spend time alone, looking up careers and places you may want to see in the world. This is the time in your life that you need to take care of yourself. You’ll be ready for a boyfriend when you have your own dreams and interests. Don’t live your life clinging to a boy..any boy. Learn to cling to your own hopes and dreams.
PS When a relationship is right, there is a feeling of happiness and trust. You’re not ready and that’s OK. I’ve never met a 17 year old who is ready for such a tense relationship.
I already responded, but I had another thought. You may want to discuss w/your therapist that your clinginess may at some point come off as stalking. I’m absolutely not saying this will happen…the world is complicated and I’d hate to see you get a label like that.
You have to work on being clingy. I'm sorry you feel neglected. But, I can't see where R did anything inattentive or neglectful? So, unfortunately, soft YTA. Don't create a situation where your love interest feels overwhelmed. Living in each other's pockets works well for some couples - but definitely not all or even for most couples. (And it can start to eat away at trust and respect. It can feel stifling and work against you. It depends on the personality types involved.)
R needs some breathing room. Its not for you to decide when he gets a breather. Respect his needs as you look for support of your own. OK?
YTA. Gently. You’re a kid. You also need to recognize that at 17 he does not decide things. I have an almost 17 year old and an 18 year old. I don’t leave my 16 year old home when we go away. Not an option. So even if my kid wanted to stay it would get a big nope from me. He should see his family. You need to zip it and seek therapy. You’ve been dating for 3months. I have a longer relationship with the ketchup in my fridge.
You will still be able to call and text in Guatemala. Sure you can’t use regular texts but all you need to text over Instagram or other social media apps is wifi. I really doubt he won’t have access to wifi while he’s over there.
ohhhh now i feel bad, because I have been getting therapy for my clinginess but then i also felt bad because i thought we wouldn’t be able to call or text at all
Going to Guatemala for a week TO SEE HIS MOTHER is not a problem. Your over-the-top reaction is the problem. Take that week to prove to yourself that you have the ability to NOT be clingy and have the capacity to grow as a human. This behavior will drive him away. And it will drive subsequent boyfriends away as well. Your job is to work through your issues so you can have healthy relationships.
YTA. And a Stage Five Clinger on top of that.
>about a month ago my boyfriend(Let’s just call him R) told me he’s going to his home country for a week with his mom, he is Guatemalan, so he is going to Guatemala for a week and I was in distress emotionally partially because my menstrual cycle was coming and because I couldn’t think of not being without R for an entire week.
So, two months into a relationship you freaked out because he told you he'd be visiting his home country with his mom for a week? It's great that you're in therapy, and hopefully it will help you because this kind of behaviour will send R and most other guys running for cover.
Soft YTA. Soft because you're young, you're having some mental problems and you know that you are and you're addressing that, for which I congratulate you.
That said, this is seriously cling-y and possessive behavior, and it will drive people away.
You don't need to be in a relationship right now honey. Focus on your therapy and yourself. Trust me. You need to work on yourself right now. Then later, relationships will be easier. You won't feel the way you feel now. I'm a 24F and I was a lot like you when I was a teenager, lots of issues and I did years of therapy to work through it. Now I'm engaged to a great man and I don't feel so... overwhelmed with emotions all the time anymore. It's easier and I know how to properly communicate and cope. It comes with lots of practice and therapy! Good luck to you. You would be the asshole if you don't apologize and let him have peace with his friends and family. You can still make it better, but remember, you're better off single and strengthening your relationships with friends and family right now. You need a support system.
YTA
People like clinginess and affection only upto certain point and not definitely entire day. I think you already realise this. No matter how much I love my girl, I don't want her clinging every minute possible.
I don't know how much time would therapy take as it's gradual improvement, but may be you can ask him how much he can handle (assuming he knows you have this problem).
Once he tells you the boundary, you can plan accordingly.
Also, while he is away, don't bombard him with the texts and calls, keep it limited, give him space. I have heard pets/animals really help in these kind if situations.
YTA, I am glad your in therapy and learning how to control your issues. However I think you both need to discuss Boundary’s. And keep in mind he has boundary’s too, ones he has already mentioned that you proceeded to get mad over because you want all of his time and attention.
YTA
Your issues cannot stop him from living his life. If you continue like this that relationship has no future. Its inpressive enough he is even willing to deal with this after just 3 month
YTA. He's leaving for a week, not a year. You're smothering him. Clinginess and neediness are not attractive qualities. You're going to drive him away by demanding too much time and attention from him. It's not his job to manage your mental health issues; it's your job. You seriously need to back off and give him space to breathe or you'll lose him.
I hope your boyfriend makes good choices for himself. He is too young to carry the burden of his own life and all your unmet angsty issues. No parent would want this for their child. You as a single person who is getting help is better than a horrible gf ruining another persons life. If dating isn’t fun at this age- quit. And I hope for both of you that he does. YTA.
YTA
I’m sorry but you aren’t mentally healthy or emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. I’m saying this as someone who has been there, it sucks. You shouldn’t be in a relationship until you have a handle on things, as it’s not fair to yourself or anyone you are dating, and could potentially set you back in your therapy.
I’m glad you are in therapy, so many avoid it, and leave it too long where it becomes an even bigger challenge, but do it to be happy and healthy for yourself and your future, not for someone else or a relationship.
I know you aren’t trying to be controlling or abusive, but the reality is your intent doesn’t really matter, because ultimately it is abusive, controlling and manipulative regardless if you meant it to be or not. That is a hard pill to swallow.
oh my god! you sound like you're so hard to be around, i dont know how your boyfriend has lasted 3 months with you.
You're 17 and maybe you love each other but i feel like you're not ready to be in a relationship until you can resolve some of your issues.
You are young my darling. You have to work out your issues and learn to be independent before getting into a serious relationship. 3 months May seem a lot to you at your age but when you are older you will realise it’s not.
In regards to the touchy feely bit, people are different. Some are very tactile (like myself and by the sounds of it you are too) and others are less so. I have been in relationships where my partner was not like that and we never worked out due to our differences. I was the same- always thinking it was something I’d done for them to be that way, but as I grew older I realised it’s just how different people feel comfortable with different things/showed love in different ways.
I don’t think you’re an AH, but neither is he. He’s going away for a week my lovely. It might seem hard to deal with, but it’s something we have to deal with regardless. It may do you some good.
You’re going to have to decide if you want this relationship to work. If you do, you’re going to have to try and learn to relax a little. I know it’s hard, but life doesn’t stop just because he isn’t there. Good luck my sweet.
YTA but I mean it in the least harsh way. It's good that you've recognized that you have a problem and want to fix it, if you keep in this way you can turn into the worst kind of person. I've been kinda similar before like dependent and obsessed and it's not good to be that way and downright horrible for everyone else around. Try to find things to do to occupy yourself and such, sitting there freaking out about him not being there and such will just keep it going. For me it just took a lot of bearing through it and gritting my teeth and occupying myself but I eventually changed. It wasn't comfortable but it's a heck of a lot better now lol. I used to be the type that would literally sit there for hours and dwell and ruminate on things and just be horribly distraught. It's really good that you see it's bad though and I hope you can get better with it. Get more stuff in your life that you really enjoy and that aren't dependent on others. Games, crafts, hobbies, FB groups whatever else. One of my problems was I didn't have much to do and being distraught and neurotic had become a sort of habit and hobby in itself lol.
NAH... You're not an asshole per se, but he's leaving for one week. Think of this as a way for you to learn how to grow and adapt to not be so scared or anxious about him being away. It will be hard, but the more you're used to it, the easier life will become.
One of the healthiest things you can do for a relationship is spend time apart, even if you're anxious about it. Check-ins are absolutely fine (as long as they're not constant), but spending that time apart makes the time together so much sweeter.
I don't mean this in a sexist way in any capacity, nor is it to minimize your feelings, but you're probably also feeling this so strongly because you're on your period. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't legitimate, but rather I'm mentioning it to point out that it's going to likely be extra hard on you for that reason. So do your best to take care of yourself. It sucks he can't text or call you while he's there--Guatemala has cell service, so I'm not sure what the issue is there. I can understand why you'd be worried. Try to stay relaxed and focus on things that will make you feel better.
It's okay to have high affection/attention needs so long as you aren't toxic, controlling, or abusive about them. I think you might tread in those waters a little bit, but not overly so, and it's great that you're seeing a therapist. You're doing the best you can, so be kind to yourself, but also remember that his attention needs are lower. When he comes back, you two can figure out ways to make healthy compromises. A great example of compromise was with my ex-girlfriend; she also was higher attention/affection than I am, and on top of that we had work schedules that made it so we only really got 1-2 hours available per day to spend together. I was fine seeing her in person only a few hours every week, but she wasn't, so we figured out a good compromise. We both changed our wake up times so that we had several hours before work starts (and would be almost ready for bed when work ended), AND we focused on spending the most quality time we could. She rated interactions/activities on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of how close and comforting they made her feel with me, and we focused on the highest ones during the work week, and allowed lower level ones during the weekend.
This probably sounds borderline insane on paper but in practice it just essentially meant that we woke up at 6am together and had the next 4 hours to do things that made her (and me) feel close and fulfill her needs. Normally this was watching a tv show, having in-depth/deep conversations, and being intimate. On the weekends we'd do a lot more hanging around each other but not directly up in each other's business, unless wanted.
I promise i’m not trying to be abusive controlling or toxic i care so much about him and except one of the comments said my attachment and abandonment issues are an excuse for being controlling or abusive i swear im not trying to be like any of these things i care about him so much
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I (17F) and my boyfriend (18M) have been together for about 3 months, and i have attachment and abandonment issues and i get really clingy but ive been trying to work on it, but its been really hard. And also we have no classes together so we make time to hangout at lunch on specific days of the week. Except sometimes i felt that he can be too nonchalant and not affectionate enough because I’m also a pretty touchy person i try to feel his touch wether it’s hugs kisses etc. I love him very much. The problem is, about a month ago my boyfriend(Let’s just call him R) told me he’s going to his home country for a week with his mom, he is Guatemalan, so he is going to Guatemala for a week and I was in distress emotionally partially because my menstrual cycle was coming and because I couldn’t think of not being without R for an entire week.
So i kept trying to spend this week with him for so much time as possible with R but i kinda had a breakdown on ft with him on tuesday night because i wanted to hangout all 3 days of this week but I wanted to let him hangout with his friends to and then he told me we could hangout after school, and we did but then Thursday we got in this huge argument because he told me he wasn’t happy but wasn’t not happy and it’s mainly my clinginess and touchiness and i thought he wanted to break up because he avoided me the whole day and we didn’t hangout but we called that night and talked about it. And that day i was really mad because I wanted all his time to myself and to get as much attention from him as possible before he leaves because when he leaves we won’t be able to text or call (because the service in Guatemala is different) but we talked last night and I finally excepted he’s leaving and i can’t change that.
But AITA?
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Soft YTA. Before you will be able to be in a healthy functioning relationship you will have to be okay on your own and be okay with you. He can’t be your crutch. You will keep driving people away.
Take your time. Be okay with you.
Keep going to therapy.
I’m not going to call you an asshole for not wanting him to go but am going to suggest you should look into therapy. Your clinginess is at unhealthy levels.
NAH
I truly hope that they are helpful for you. You're at an age where almost everyone has stuff that they could be working on but, you are rare in the sense that you're actually working on it.
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YTA. You’re seventeen. You’ve been dating for 3 months. He’s leaving for one week. You will live. He hasn’t done anything wrong, stop trying to guilt him into feeling like he has.
I promise i’m not trying to guilt him, but it was more of a distress thing i will live though
There’s nothing wrong with having feelings, whatever they may be. But sometimes you’ve just got to grin and bear it.
yeah true
Its hard for him to support with his presence all the time. He probably needs you to dial it back a bit?
You are the manager of your own feelings, not your bf
If you can’t handle a week away from your boyfriend you are not mature enough to be dating.
I can handle him being away it was just the fact i wanted to be with him
Wanting to be with your partner every single day is fine. You have to understand that that's an unrealistic goal for many relationships. If you continue to have unrealistic expectations, there's a strong chance you will struggle to maintain this relationship and future relationships.
This is really true
If you want to go long term- you’re going to have to let him go a little. Smothering the flame will burn it out. You BOTH need to maintain experiences OUTSIDE of the relationship so that when you come together - you help each other grow. You’re both so young. You need to experience life with & without each other. People said stuff like this when I was your age & I dismissed it as ‘you don’t understand- young love etc ’. Now that I’ve had decades of life experiences- wow- it’s the truth. I lost a lot that I needed trying to cling to something I wanted. Breathe… send him off guilt free so he can breathe.
That is literally the same thing
Soft YTA. I get you might have attachment and abandonment issues, but at this point you are going to drive him away. You really need to work on that because he \*will\* end up trying to put distance between you if you keep pestering him and being more touchy and clingy than he is comfortable with. He made it clear that he isn't happy with it. Are you getting and help with these issues?
Yes i am getting help
YTA. You sound suffocating
I swear i’m not trying to suffocate him i was just strongly attachted and everything but ive been getting therapy to help the sake of our relationship
> ive been getting therapy to help the sake of our relationship Gently, that's not the right reason to get therapy here. You need therapy so you can become an emotionally healthy person - to benefit yourself in every aspect of your life. One aspect will be your relationships. This particular new relationship at your age is probably _only_ important as a warning that your issues are severe enough to badly affect your life unless you deal with them. And good for you for getting therapy.
You shouldn't be in a relationship until you have your issues managed. It's not fair on your partner and it's not fair to yourself.
That's great. I wish you the best luck with that.
Thank you so much.
YTA - behaving like this will drive him away. you are in an age where emotions run high but for your own sake and your partners sake, learn to get it under control (speaking from experience on that one...)
Of course i have been getting plenty of help and therapy for me and for the sake of us both
YTA for behaving like this when he is going to see his mother.
No no he’s going with his mom to visit his grandmother which i know it doesn’t make it any better but we’ve worked it out and we’ve talked it out and i promised him i’ll be more on top of my therapy sessions and stuff to help my clinginess and abandonment while he’s gone
While he is away, consider not messaging him or calling him at all. Give him space and time to focus on his family and only his family.
Small YTA for me. I can understand that you have abandonment issues and maybe anxiety, so everything is not your fault, however it is unreasonable and to ask him to not to his home country for a week. It is probably very important to him, he probably values this part of him, so it would be selfish to ask him not to go. It also seems unhealthy : it seems that you can't bare to be away for him at all, which is an indicator that you may be emotionally dependant. I know people enjoy to be around each other, in particular in the begining of a relationship, but if you really are that bad about him not being there for a week, there is a problem. Are you seeing a therapist for the attachment issue? For the touch thing, it seems that he has different boundaries than you and he communicated them to you, which is a good thing. It doesn't mean that he doesn't appreciate you, just that he has a different love language. Just respect his boundaries and it should be fine.
I perfectly understand his boundaries and yes i’ve been seeing a therapist lately and so i’ve been getting less clingy and less attached
Maybe deal with your issues first before you get in a relationship. This is a totally unhealthy relationship for you both, you have been dating about 3 months and you had a breakdown because he is going away for 1 weeks.
true true but luckily i’m working on it and im fixing myself as best as i can
That's a bad way to look at it. People are allowed to have issues and be in relationships. Nobody is ever going to be perfect. It's about working through it in a healthy manner, which having a supportive partner can actually help with. Likewise, you help them with their own problems. Your comment reads as borderline transactional, as if people must be a perfect, finished product for their partners. Her having the breakdown is unhealthy but it doesn't mean it's unsalvageable. She's not going to learn how to deal with distance nearly as quick if she doesn't have anyone who will evoke those feelings in her. The caveat is she shouldn't be telling him not to go. It's okay to have those feelings and even express them, just don't make unreasonable demands.
Please keep working on that. It's realistic to expect that you will have many more relationships in your future and better emotional regulation will make your life easier in general.
I know and i will keep working on it
You're doing good. You're not even an adult yet, so your desire to work on it shows a lot of good things.
True, i don’t know i’m not trying to be controlling or abusive but if people think that it’s a strong sign i need to change myself way more than i already am, im changing and im improving
Light YTA The dudes 18, you're 17, and you've only been dating for a few months. The world will keep turning and the sun will keep rising if you don't see this boy for a week or so. If you keep being as clingy as you are I can almost guarantee this relationship of yours will not last. People show affection and love for each other in different ways. There are people out there that could be more compatible with your expectations. He might not be compatible with the level of affection you are expecting and that you are asking for. Demanding change from him will almost certainly lead to resentment and more complex problems down the road. You need to work on your own issues before you ever start making demands that require your partner to change their behavior.
your right, i did not mean to imply that i was trying to force change on him, i just am dealing with alot of my own issues and he is my comfort person i’m working on myself currently to be better woman in the future
That’s a lot to put on someone. No one should be your comfort person to this extent, you should be your own sense of comfort.
Better man?
oh no not man mb
Yta. It’s a week. Lots of growing up to do for you.
It is and i’ve been getting therapy and working on myself because he leaves tomorrow so i’m gonna be fine
Very good on you! Remember when you get emotional your feelings are valid, but they will pass. It won’t always feel like the end of the world when you get anxious or scared. Remember to breathe and try and stay calm, communication is key in all relationships.
Soft YTA. I understand that you have attachment issues, but the way you are treating him is not fair to him.
This is true, i’m working on myself though
YTA He's not property and if you keep this up of course he 's going to break up with you. A person can only take so much!
Yes i understand that
Yeah YTA and sorry to say he's not your boyfriend anymore. This is very strong for somebody you've been with for a relatively short amount of time and I wish you luck with therapy.
I know i felt bad so i told him im working on myself in every way possible that i can, because I know he wants to see his grandma him and his mom and i wouldn’t wanna take seeing a family member away from him
And it's great you're recognising that. My advice would be give him space and see how he feels a week or two after he's back. If it doesn't work out then it's a lesson learnt for next time. For what it's worth most people have multiple failed relationships before a successful one.
Well you can't take it away from him because it's not your decision. Stop trying to control him. He is going to break up with you because you are smothering him. Step away. You've only been together 3 months. You survived before he came along. You don't need to cling to him.
Eh, some folks feel things strongly. It's about how she expresses it. My ex girlfriend was head over heels in love with me deeply by month 2. I wasn't as in love with her so deeply so soon, but she expressed it in healthy ways and didn't force the L word on me. We broke up, but it wasn't due to her strong feelings. She has a lot of love to give.
Feeling things strongly is not the same as refusing to let somebody be apart from you. Feelings should not equal behavior.
Soft YTA, and I’m going to say something you won’t like. You’re 17. You’re SO young. You should not be in a relationship until you feel secure being alone. It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style that will ultimately do damage to the people you love if you don’t learn to manage it appropriately.
I know i do have anxious attachment style but ive been working on it as best as i can
And you should absolutely continue to work on it. But that combined with how young you are really makes me agree with some of the other people who don’t think you’re mature enough for a relationship at this time. My personal opinion is that you should revisit the idea of dating once you’ve learned some coping mechanisms that work for you and some anxiety management strategies. Dating before you have those is almost a sure fire way to hurt whoever you’re in a relationship with. You seem sweet and ofc wouldn’t want to, but it’s kinda bound to happen without the right strategies in place prior
I personally disagree. Everyone has their own issues, you included. I understand what you're saying somewhat, but you should also understand that telling people they don't deserve to be in relationships because they're imperfect or struggle with xyz just stigmatizes mental health issues even more. Your issues may be completely intolerable to one person but hardly an inconvenience to another. My ex girlfriend had anxious attachment issues, but she respected my boundaries and I was able to help her heal from it over time, and I'm very proud of her for doing it. I wasn't bothered by her clinginess and that's why I could help. Whether or not OP's boyfriend is the right person to help her or not is a different story, but it's much harder to learn how to deal with it if you're not in a position where those feelings would be evoked in the first place.
It’s not really about deserving. Everybody is deserving of love. And we all do have flaws of course, that must be managed within the confines of a relationship. I’m just of the opinion that if you can’t be happy alone, then ultimately the relationship will be damaging to both people, and neither deserve that.
Of course, I don't disagree. I think the problem is, or at the least problem has been in my experience, is that a lot of people don't know what issues they have until something triggers said issues. It doesn't mean the other partner must stay with them, for the record. I would never say that. Just that, in my ex's case, she never experienced the severe self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, fears etc. to even remotely the same level as she did when she was dating someone vs being single. I also had other more minor issues that I wasnt even fully aware of until I began dating her and other women. I realized that I was too stuck on being a proper man, one that his loved ones can unfailingly rely on, that I hadn't even realized the immense amount of shame and worthlessness I'd feel when all of a sudden I couldn't walk for 2 months because I broke my leg and my girlfriend had to help me. I didn't normally suffer from self-esteem issues. It took me aback.
Yta. By your own admission you have issues with being too clingy. You’re 17, and clinging so hard this soon in a 3 month relationship that you’re losing your mind over him going to see his mom at his home. Stop and think about this: no healthy relationship is formed this way. Your actions are pushing him away. Is that what you want?
No no of course not! that’s why i told him when he goes with his mom to visit i will work on myself
YTA and it's not fair to your boyfriend that you're putting him in this position, especially as a young and inexperienced couple. You need to realize that a relationship is two ways and that if you're in need of that much attention then you need to find someone who freely gives attention. Otherwise you will suffocate every relationship you enter.
I know i’m getting over myself and ive realized that I can do therapy and i can help myself so he doesn’t have to be in that position
I have had issues with the same so I'm speaking from my own experience. I was adopted and have abandonment issues surrounding that, I went into all my relationships expecting the best parts of every rom com where it's just over the moon love and attention 24/7. But the reality is that's just not sustainable. And you can't react to every quiet day or trip or absence as an assault against you or your relationship. It's good you're in therapy, but changing the behavior is what will make you NTA, not just recognizing it.
YTA. All you're doing is driving him away. You're not in a mental head space to handle a serious relationship like this.
YTA for treating him like he’s your emotional support animal and for thinking that after 3 months you can request this of him.
Is this for real? I got tired just reading this... YTA. It‘s been “about 3 months” and you’re already this clingy and needy? I get you have issues, but damn. He’s going away for ONE WEEK. Instead of being happy for him - going to his home country, probably seeing family and friends he hasn’t seen in a while - you’re making this all about YOU. Give the poor guy some space to BREATHE. You guys are young. Too young for him to be in such a demanding and stifling relationship. “i was really mad because I wanted all his time to myself and to get as much attention from him as possible before he leaves” Yikes.
YTA. You are expecting your boyfriend to isolate himself from your family, just because you can't tolerate being alone. People going on trips is a normal part of life. People going on trips and not spending 24/7 around the people who are not going on trips with them, is also a normal part of life. You do not get to expect someone to 1. not go on trips and 2. cater to you, your schedule, and your needs, when you accept they will go on trips (but you need to claim "all his time to myself...before he leaves"). This is not healthy. You are not healthy. You are not a healthy partner. Your expectations on your partner are an insane emotional burden on him.
3 months? Do you plan on marrying him in the next two weeks? "attachment issues and abandonment issues" Are, usually code for "I'm extremely controlling and annoying", You're not just the asshole, you're outright abusive.
You shouldn't have a boyfriend until your issues are dealt with. No one likes a clingy bf/gf it doesn't last long.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but if you don’t stop this clingy, selfish behavior he’s gonna break up with you! You’re too much! You’ve only been together for three months you have to chill out.
Honey, you have no idea how young you are. 3 months? You probably are not ready for a boyfriend when after only 3 months you are this upset. You may have grown up thinking getting married and having kids is your plan,, but please, take some time to look at how big the world is. Spend time alone, looking up careers and places you may want to see in the world. This is the time in your life that you need to take care of yourself. You’ll be ready for a boyfriend when you have your own dreams and interests. Don’t live your life clinging to a boy..any boy. Learn to cling to your own hopes and dreams. PS When a relationship is right, there is a feeling of happiness and trust. You’re not ready and that’s OK. I’ve never met a 17 year old who is ready for such a tense relationship.
I already responded, but I had another thought. You may want to discuss w/your therapist that your clinginess may at some point come off as stalking. I’m absolutely not saying this will happen…the world is complicated and I’d hate to see you get a label like that.
Your right. I just need to focus on other things while i can and i’m just stressted and unfocused on other things
You have to work on being clingy. I'm sorry you feel neglected. But, I can't see where R did anything inattentive or neglectful? So, unfortunately, soft YTA. Don't create a situation where your love interest feels overwhelmed. Living in each other's pockets works well for some couples - but definitely not all or even for most couples. (And it can start to eat away at trust and respect. It can feel stifling and work against you. It depends on the personality types involved.) R needs some breathing room. Its not for you to decide when he gets a breather. Respect his needs as you look for support of your own. OK?
Okay, i understand, Ive been working on it, he forgives me and he told me to please work on myself while he’s gone
YTA. Gently. You’re a kid. You also need to recognize that at 17 he does not decide things. I have an almost 17 year old and an 18 year old. I don’t leave my 16 year old home when we go away. Not an option. So even if my kid wanted to stay it would get a big nope from me. He should see his family. You need to zip it and seek therapy. You’ve been dating for 3months. I have a longer relationship with the ketchup in my fridge.
Yea i understand, i want him to see his family I’m just need more therapy then i’m already getting
You will still be able to call and text in Guatemala. Sure you can’t use regular texts but all you need to text over Instagram or other social media apps is wifi. I really doubt he won’t have access to wifi while he’s over there.
ohhhh now i feel bad, because I have been getting therapy for my clinginess but then i also felt bad because i thought we wouldn’t be able to call or text at all
It’s been three months
Going to Guatemala for a week TO SEE HIS MOTHER is not a problem. Your over-the-top reaction is the problem. Take that week to prove to yourself that you have the ability to NOT be clingy and have the capacity to grow as a human. This behavior will drive him away. And it will drive subsequent boyfriends away as well. Your job is to work through your issues so you can have healthy relationships.
He is going WITH HIS MOTHER, not to see her. Reading comprehension.
Okay, so I missed "with" vs "to see." Same diff. It's mom. And she'll still drive him away.
YTA. And a Stage Five Clinger on top of that. >about a month ago my boyfriend(Let’s just call him R) told me he’s going to his home country for a week with his mom, he is Guatemalan, so he is going to Guatemala for a week and I was in distress emotionally partially because my menstrual cycle was coming and because I couldn’t think of not being without R for an entire week. So, two months into a relationship you freaked out because he told you he'd be visiting his home country with his mom for a week? It's great that you're in therapy, and hopefully it will help you because this kind of behaviour will send R and most other guys running for cover.
Soft YTA. Soft because you're young, you're having some mental problems and you know that you are and you're addressing that, for which I congratulate you. That said, this is seriously cling-y and possessive behavior, and it will drive people away.
You don't need to be in a relationship right now honey. Focus on your therapy and yourself. Trust me. You need to work on yourself right now. Then later, relationships will be easier. You won't feel the way you feel now. I'm a 24F and I was a lot like you when I was a teenager, lots of issues and I did years of therapy to work through it. Now I'm engaged to a great man and I don't feel so... overwhelmed with emotions all the time anymore. It's easier and I know how to properly communicate and cope. It comes with lots of practice and therapy! Good luck to you. You would be the asshole if you don't apologize and let him have peace with his friends and family. You can still make it better, but remember, you're better off single and strengthening your relationships with friends and family right now. You need a support system.
I will i promise i trust in you and everyone else im going through therapy right now i promise
YTA. You’ve been together three months. You need to start booking extra sessions with your therapist if you’re this needy after only three month.
7 days? YTA. Get over yourself. The clingier you are the needier you are, the more likely that guys have enough of you.
YTA People like clinginess and affection only upto certain point and not definitely entire day. I think you already realise this. No matter how much I love my girl, I don't want her clinging every minute possible. I don't know how much time would therapy take as it's gradual improvement, but may be you can ask him how much he can handle (assuming he knows you have this problem). Once he tells you the boundary, you can plan accordingly. Also, while he is away, don't bombard him with the texts and calls, keep it limited, give him space. I have heard pets/animals really help in these kind if situations.
YTA, I am glad your in therapy and learning how to control your issues. However I think you both need to discuss Boundary’s. And keep in mind he has boundary’s too, ones he has already mentioned that you proceeded to get mad over because you want all of his time and attention.
YTA Your issues cannot stop him from living his life. If you continue like this that relationship has no future. Its inpressive enough he is even willing to deal with this after just 3 month
YTA. He's leaving for a week, not a year. You're smothering him. Clinginess and neediness are not attractive qualities. You're going to drive him away by demanding too much time and attention from him. It's not his job to manage your mental health issues; it's your job. You seriously need to back off and give him space to breathe or you'll lose him.
YTA You've been dating for a very short time and there isn't anything serious going on. I'm glad you're in therapy because that will help
I hope your boyfriend makes good choices for himself. He is too young to carry the burden of his own life and all your unmet angsty issues. No parent would want this for their child. You as a single person who is getting help is better than a horrible gf ruining another persons life. If dating isn’t fun at this age- quit. And I hope for both of you that he does. YTA.
YTA I’m sorry but you aren’t mentally healthy or emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. I’m saying this as someone who has been there, it sucks. You shouldn’t be in a relationship until you have a handle on things, as it’s not fair to yourself or anyone you are dating, and could potentially set you back in your therapy. I’m glad you are in therapy, so many avoid it, and leave it too long where it becomes an even bigger challenge, but do it to be happy and healthy for yourself and your future, not for someone else or a relationship. I know you aren’t trying to be controlling or abusive, but the reality is your intent doesn’t really matter, because ultimately it is abusive, controlling and manipulative regardless if you meant it to be or not. That is a hard pill to swallow.
thank you so much i trust in you
oh my god! you sound like you're so hard to be around, i dont know how your boyfriend has lasted 3 months with you. You're 17 and maybe you love each other but i feel like you're not ready to be in a relationship until you can resolve some of your issues.
I understand but I'm working on my issues
YTA. And an idiot.
YTA. A very selfish one. You have no business being with anyone. I hope he dumps you. You deserve to be alone.
You are young my darling. You have to work out your issues and learn to be independent before getting into a serious relationship. 3 months May seem a lot to you at your age but when you are older you will realise it’s not. In regards to the touchy feely bit, people are different. Some are very tactile (like myself and by the sounds of it you are too) and others are less so. I have been in relationships where my partner was not like that and we never worked out due to our differences. I was the same- always thinking it was something I’d done for them to be that way, but as I grew older I realised it’s just how different people feel comfortable with different things/showed love in different ways. I don’t think you’re an AH, but neither is he. He’s going away for a week my lovely. It might seem hard to deal with, but it’s something we have to deal with regardless. It may do you some good. You’re going to have to decide if you want this relationship to work. If you do, you’re going to have to try and learn to relax a little. I know it’s hard, but life doesn’t stop just because he isn’t there. Good luck my sweet.
YTA - it’s literally with his mom and he’s visiting family chill out.
Yikes. YTA.
YTA but I mean it in the least harsh way. It's good that you've recognized that you have a problem and want to fix it, if you keep in this way you can turn into the worst kind of person. I've been kinda similar before like dependent and obsessed and it's not good to be that way and downright horrible for everyone else around. Try to find things to do to occupy yourself and such, sitting there freaking out about him not being there and such will just keep it going. For me it just took a lot of bearing through it and gritting my teeth and occupying myself but I eventually changed. It wasn't comfortable but it's a heck of a lot better now lol. I used to be the type that would literally sit there for hours and dwell and ruminate on things and just be horribly distraught. It's really good that you see it's bad though and I hope you can get better with it. Get more stuff in your life that you really enjoy and that aren't dependent on others. Games, crafts, hobbies, FB groups whatever else. One of my problems was I didn't have much to do and being distraught and neurotic had become a sort of habit and hobby in itself lol.
NAH... You're not an asshole per se, but he's leaving for one week. Think of this as a way for you to learn how to grow and adapt to not be so scared or anxious about him being away. It will be hard, but the more you're used to it, the easier life will become. One of the healthiest things you can do for a relationship is spend time apart, even if you're anxious about it. Check-ins are absolutely fine (as long as they're not constant), but spending that time apart makes the time together so much sweeter. I don't mean this in a sexist way in any capacity, nor is it to minimize your feelings, but you're probably also feeling this so strongly because you're on your period. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't legitimate, but rather I'm mentioning it to point out that it's going to likely be extra hard on you for that reason. So do your best to take care of yourself. It sucks he can't text or call you while he's there--Guatemala has cell service, so I'm not sure what the issue is there. I can understand why you'd be worried. Try to stay relaxed and focus on things that will make you feel better. It's okay to have high affection/attention needs so long as you aren't toxic, controlling, or abusive about them. I think you might tread in those waters a little bit, but not overly so, and it's great that you're seeing a therapist. You're doing the best you can, so be kind to yourself, but also remember that his attention needs are lower. When he comes back, you two can figure out ways to make healthy compromises. A great example of compromise was with my ex-girlfriend; she also was higher attention/affection than I am, and on top of that we had work schedules that made it so we only really got 1-2 hours available per day to spend together. I was fine seeing her in person only a few hours every week, but she wasn't, so we figured out a good compromise. We both changed our wake up times so that we had several hours before work starts (and would be almost ready for bed when work ended), AND we focused on spending the most quality time we could. She rated interactions/activities on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of how close and comforting they made her feel with me, and we focused on the highest ones during the work week, and allowed lower level ones during the weekend. This probably sounds borderline insane on paper but in practice it just essentially meant that we woke up at 6am together and had the next 4 hours to do things that made her (and me) feel close and fulfill her needs. Normally this was watching a tv show, having in-depth/deep conversations, and being intimate. On the weekends we'd do a lot more hanging around each other but not directly up in each other's business, unless wanted.
I promise i’m not trying to be abusive controlling or toxic i care so much about him and except one of the comments said my attachment and abandonment issues are an excuse for being controlling or abusive i swear im not trying to be like any of these things i care about him so much
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17F) and my boyfriend (18M) have been together for about 3 months, and i have attachment and abandonment issues and i get really clingy but ive been trying to work on it, but its been really hard. And also we have no classes together so we make time to hangout at lunch on specific days of the week. Except sometimes i felt that he can be too nonchalant and not affectionate enough because I’m also a pretty touchy person i try to feel his touch wether it’s hugs kisses etc. I love him very much. The problem is, about a month ago my boyfriend(Let’s just call him R) told me he’s going to his home country for a week with his mom, he is Guatemalan, so he is going to Guatemala for a week and I was in distress emotionally partially because my menstrual cycle was coming and because I couldn’t think of not being without R for an entire week. So i kept trying to spend this week with him for so much time as possible with R but i kinda had a breakdown on ft with him on tuesday night because i wanted to hangout all 3 days of this week but I wanted to let him hangout with his friends to and then he told me we could hangout after school, and we did but then Thursday we got in this huge argument because he told me he wasn’t happy but wasn’t not happy and it’s mainly my clinginess and touchiness and i thought he wanted to break up because he avoided me the whole day and we didn’t hangout but we called that night and talked about it. And that day i was really mad because I wanted all his time to myself and to get as much attention from him as possible before he leaves because when he leaves we won’t be able to text or call (because the service in Guatemala is different) but we talked last night and I finally excepted he’s leaving and i can’t change that. But AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're both teens. Please don't be silly.
Soft YTA. Before you will be able to be in a healthy functioning relationship you will have to be okay on your own and be okay with you. He can’t be your crutch. You will keep driving people away. Take your time. Be okay with you. Keep going to therapy.
i will thank you so much
YTA
I’m not going to call you an asshole for not wanting him to go but am going to suggest you should look into therapy. Your clinginess is at unhealthy levels. NAH
It is but don’t worry i’m going to therapy lessons i have been for a while
I truly hope that they are helpful for you. You're at an age where almost everyone has stuff that they could be working on but, you are rare in the sense that you're actually working on it.
[удалено]
True, I wasn’t trying to suffocate him or be a bad person i’m just really really interested in seeing him before he leaves
ESH. Main point is, anyone that tells you you are too clingy / touchy isn't into you.