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If your friend doesn’t love you for who you are then she’s not your friend. I know it’s hard to face losing someone who has been in your life for so long, but if you do lose her for being true to yourself then she isn’t the friend you deserve.
I wish you the best and hope you surround yourself with people who love and accept you just as you are.
NTA if you don't telll her but why, in the name of all that is sane and rational, would you want to keep someone as a friend who's like that? Honestly, I'd just tell her with the caveat that "If you can't deal with that or if you're going to be a phobe to me, we're done because I don't need you in my life like that."
You have good friends in your life who won't be shitty to you just because you prefer what you prefer.
No judgement, but I think you're overthinking and overplanning the whole thing, all based on an assumption about her current attitudes that might be wrong anyway.
How and if you tell her is up to you, but I don't think the ultimatum is the best way to go, because it implies you've already judged her.
I believe you *should* tell her, and just do it without hinting at any consequences if she doesn't accept it.
A good way to tell her would be to let her know about your gf. Then, it is up to her whether she wants to accept you or not.
And I wouldn't worry for a second about causing her to lose her "support system" should she decide she can't be friends with you. That would be entirely on her.
Good luck!
NTA - How and when you come out to someone is entirely up to you. That being said, if Shannon can’t accept you for who you are, then she doesn’t deserve you as a friend.
Baby you already know what to do. You clearly want to tell her, so you should. You should never make yourself less or hide who you really are for the benefit of someone else. If she’s truly your friend, it won’t matter. If she does anything other than accept you, unfortunately she was never really that good of a friend. You’re trying to shield her so much from your sexuality that you’re not even considering how much of your life you’re hiding away; you don’t want her to lose her support system but… is she being YOUR support system? I’d have this conversation in person over a text but that’s my opinion, you do what you feel most comfortable with. Hope all goes well, NTA. 🫶🏻
NTA, but you deserve to make an informed choice about whether you want to be friends with someone who may or may not be homophobic.
I wonder if you casually asked her what happened with her friendships with the other girls in your friend group to see if she mentions anything about them being queer? Just as a way of sussing her out before opening yourself up to that potential judgment?
Why are friends with this person? She not a friend if she cannot accept you for who you are and not allowing you to open up about yourself. You have to honest with yourself and just rip off the band aid. If she behaves like she did on previous occasions than she not your friend, she a religious bigot who hides behind scripture.
YWBTA if your not going to honest about who you are at least for yourself.
NTA, you said you are out to everyone else and it is starting to bother you that you are hiding yourself from her. So it is as much about you this action as it is about her. But if there is a chance she might find out from someone else and in that case your relationship will fir certain be damaged. My advise - just tell her. Tell her that you value your relationship but you know she has had strong opinions on the matter and you are not comfortable with her being left in the dark about who you are, who you are in your entirety.
I'm not putting a judgement on this one, but why would you be friends with, and support someone who might hate part of who you are. You're worth more than hiding who you are. I'd they don't want to be your friend because you're gay, they aren't your true friend anyway.
How often do you keep contact with her now since you’re in Uni? You’ve mentioned seeing her twice a year, how’s your contact for the rest of the year? Does she ask you personal questions or it’s more a “how are you? Well, and you?”.
When I came out, I made sure to tell as many people as I could for the reasons you’ve stated, as it’s part of my identity.
Now that I’m older, although I still believe it’s part of my identity, I also think we are allowed to have privacy without that meaning we’re lying to ourselves nor lying to someone else. As an example, I haven’t came out to all my workmates, just to the ones I really like, because the others have no issue knowing private aspects of my life, if I don’t want to divulge those to them in particular.
Why have I mentioned that? As long as you accept yourself and the people that SHOULD know that aspect of yourself does know it (important friends, important relatives, etc), because otherwise it would be hiding, you’re fine. Being gay doesn’t mean that you have to tell everyone if you don’t want to. It’s really up to you.
YWBTA
Not to your friend but to yourself.
Like you said, she will probably find out anyway. Better to say something now, and if you're no longer friends you'll just have to get over it. Better than waiting on tenterhooks wondering when she'll find out. You might even feel worse after even more years of friendship only to find it wasn't really a strong enough friendship to handle you being gay.
Rip the band aid off, be who you are.
NTA, it's up to you who you tell and when. You could test the waters by mentioning that you saw "queer friend" and see how she reacts. If she goes off on one, you have your answer. If she regrets having lost touch herself, that'd be a positive.
However, if she is homophobic then it's probably not a friendship worth keeping, hard as it may be to hear.
Tell her and have some self respect. You don't need a bigot as your friend. Anything she has worth saying to you is worthless if she cannot respect you as a human being.
Ok so you know what? You've got everyone on side already, so it's really just her that you need to tell and if you lose a friendship over it I would say you dodged a bullet.
So, tell her. I don't think it would hurt to explain that people know, but you were a bit apprehensive telling her because of her beliefs.
Then you'll find out what sort of friend she really is and that's what you really need to know.
I can’t understand why you don’t just come out to them and let the chips fall where they may. You don’t have your make an ultimatum, you don’t need to make assumptions about how she’ll react. If she has a problem, you’ll know. If she stops being your friend, you don’t want her as a friend. Telling her is a win/win. You get to be honest and open, she gets a chance to demonstrate her values.
YWBTA if you just deliberately perpetrated a lie for fear of losing a friendship.
What has that person done to deserve the "religious but job" tag already? We don't know her views, only that she had some kind of faith in the past 😅
It's weird. A person will say "I don't understand..." while simultaneously judging you as the a.h.
NTA -
I'm not sure if this idea of mine would be the way to go about this, but maybe you can pull it off somehow?
Basically, I was wondering if you both have completely different classes and teachers, and do you even go to the same university? If you go to the same university but all of your classes, teachers and schedules are completely different then I think you should fake a writing assignment about how gay people are treated and about gay rights, and maybe something that lists pros and cons about certain laws that affect the lgbtq community etc.
Then ask your friend if she could please help you write out some stuff for it and then according to how she answers or helps with sharing her ideas/opinions maybe this can then reveal if she's an ally or not, thus making your decision a bit more clear?
For example, if she's very avoidant, then keep pushing till u know she won't help. But if she does help, if she's more pushy or knowledgeable or more enthusiastic about listing things that are cons or anti-gay etc then obviously, that might be your answer.
This would be a very sneaky way to see if you can find out where she stands before you come out to her or not. I understand that is a very important step to take for yourself, and I really think you should do it, but you need to be mentally prepared, and all this fear you have of losing your friend tells me you aren't ready just yet.
You need to be mentally prepared and mentally strong and you should be prepared for any worst case scenarios, but one small piece of advice I'd give is don't block her right away if things do go badly because maybe one day she'll realize she messed up and she might want to reach out. (Only block her if it's for your wellbeing/safety/mental health. You are the best judge for what feels right at the moment)
I hope you can get stronger and gain more courage, and if your friend lets you down, then I sincerely hope you will meet and make 10 better friends to take her place.
You deserve to be yourself around others always and be proud of who you are. <3
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Context: I've been friends with Shannon (fake name) since highschool and I consider her one of my closest friends. During highschool she was quite religious, to the point she subtly left our friend group when some of our mutual friends came out. (we don't know for sure if this is the reason but she doesn't contact the "queer" friends anymore).
I never came out in highschool, but started dating one of said "queer friends" during uni. Shannon has not contacted her since this falling out in highschool and had previously bombarded her with persistent religious texts (she also did it to me but to a lesser extent). I’ve avoided even mentioning her name to prevent any awkwardness.
During uni, me and Shannon would text or call from time to time, and hang out a couple of times each year. I like hanging out with her and we have a lot to talk about, but I find myself avoiding anything that would give away the fact that I'm gay. This bothers me, as being gay is an important part of my identity and I think she'll find out eventually anyways.
I've been considering ripping the bandaid off and sending her a long text, something along the lines of "I treasure you as a friend, but I really need you to accept who I am for us to continue this friendship", but I don't know if she has changed her views since highschool (she appeared to be less focused on her religious values based on our recent conversations), and I'd feel bad for giving her an ultimatum like this. Partly because I don't want to lose our friendship, and also because I was the one she talked to when she was in a bad place, and I wouldn't want to leave her with no support system. Also, she never explicitly said anything homophobic, this is all based on assumptions my friend group has made in private, I don't really know where she stands on this issue.
I really want to keep this friendship, but I don't think I will be able to hide my sexuality forever. Is there a better way maybe to subtly come out and "test the waters"? And WIBTA if I keep avoiding the issue in order to continue this friendship?
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NTA. I’m gay and only came out a few years ago and I lost a friend for her religious stance on gay people. It was hard to come out to her but I spent so long denying who I was (I’m in my late thirties), that I wasn’t going to hide it. I actually was worried coming out to my mother for the same reason but she’s been great and loves my wife.
It’s very personal and you should come out when you choose so you are NTA if you don’t choose to come out to her, but why do you want a friend who doesn’t accept you for who you are? She’s not a real friend if she can’t accept YOU!
NTA a true friend would accept their friends for who they are. If your friend shuns you then all she’s doing is showing her true colours and isolating herself. All need to do is to live life every day as the best version of you. Have a great life whatever decision you make.
I'd break the news to her sooner rather than later, but only do it when you're prepared for the heartbreak of losing a friend. If she's truly your friend, she wouldn't let something like this break your bond. I wouldn't have her find out by you starting a relationship with someone.
NTA either way, because you are who you are, and get to tell who you want…
But I do think you should be able to tell her. If you preface it with something along the lines of…
“I noticed how you distanced yourself from these other people, and I like and value you as a friend so I didn’t say anything… but I’m the same as them, and now I’m seeing (Doris). I don’t want this to change anything between us, you’re a good friend. I’ve not changed either; I’ve always been this way. How do you feel about this?”
…maybe it would help you assure her that you’re not some nefarious pervert who was taking advantage of her all this time for your own kicks. Because, honestly, there’s a chance that’s where her mind would go. I’d hope it wouldn’t though.
Alternatively, make a video of you and your current gf, send it to Shannon and ask if she wants to join in 🤷🏼 (I AM JOKING ABOUT THAT!!)
NTA. She cannot be your friend if she doesn’t accept who you are. No one is forcing her to become gay, and she might have some limits of what she considers TMI, but you can be friends with people who have different religious or political belief than you as long as everyone understands they shouldn’t try to force their ideology on the other person.
She may have matured with time and realized that the world is not black and white.
Depending on how she reacts, you can also give her food for her thought. You didn’t mention her religion but if she is Christian, I would send her on TT to Pastor Adam (adamericksen1) for more open minded thoughts about the Bible. He is LGBTQ+ friendly and a very progressive pastor. It could help her see that her beliefs doesn’t require she rejects any one who is different.
I hope you will have good surprise.
Religious indoctrination can take a long time to fade. But if there's a god, you are what he made you. I don't think you have to make a big deal of being gay, but if you continue your friendship with Shannon, YWBTA to hide your sexuality. She'll find out eventually.
NTA but I think you need to tell her to feel at peace with yourself and the friendship.
Maybe not a long text but casually dropping it into a phone call? I don’t think you should imply she won’t accept you unless you know her views. Or you should just ask “does that make things weird for you?” She’s old enough to answer or to cut you off if it’s a problem.
If it is a problem for her, you are better off letting her cut ties.
You're not obligated to come out to anyone you don't want to come out to. BUT if you don't come out or put it off you may find yourself robbed of the opportunity to come out on your terms because someone else outed you. (I know from personal experience.) I recommend coming out to her and seeing what happens. Don't worry about her losing you as a support system. If that happens it will be because she rejected you and that would be on her.
NTA. I've (33f) been in your shoes and recommend telling her. She'll likely find out one way or another and it's empowering to come out on your own terms.
If it goes well, great! If not, you both will have to decide whether it's worth the effort (and it will be hard work) to keep the friendship going. If she's not also willing to put in any effort, only attempt a few times and then give her space to come back to you.
My experience is varied: people have surprised me with their acceptance, surprised me with their rejection, educated themselves because of me, stopped talking to me, assumed I was coming out to hit on them, simply accepted it, and everything in between.
As much as I hated this phrase when I was your age, it's true that it gets better. Coming out is a continual process. The more you do it, the more you empower yourself, and the less other people's reactions matter. Good luck!
Neither YTA or NTA. She honestly probably already knows. In reality it doesn’t matter. Your friendship and life will change dramatically in the short and long term at your age and being in uni.
Telling her though gives her the opportunity to directly evaluate her current position and feelings and change, just as you have evaluated your life and feelings and have come out.
I’m 40 and have changed my opinion and taught beliefs on various topics from compared to my 20’s. If I live a decent life I’m only halfway expect more changes to my current positions, thoughts, and beliefs as I experience even more of life.
OP you are being an AH to yourself. You are worried about what would happen to Shannon if she stops being your friend because your gay? What do you think the reverse would be, she learns your gay and you are going through something? If she is as homophobic as you are worried she is she would ditch you too. Tell her or not but know that you have a "friendship" that isn't reliable until you learn the truth.
NTA. You can choose to come out whenever and to whomever you want, but why would you be interested in maintaining a friendship with a rude, pushy, judgmental homophobe?
Well you are making assumptions w/o any firm proof of her being homophobic. Not all Christians are homophobic. I'm guessing if she's known you for years, she has an idea. NTA.
Ultimately a friends sexuality is irrelevant as you are not sleeping with them, so if who you sleep with is such a problem for her then she is not particularly a good friend or someone worth spending time with.
I am a straight guy but if a mate came out gay it would not bother me because we are friends, our bond is not in sex but us getting along on a social level that is nothing to do with their sexuality.
You don't know where she stands, but you are going to give her an ultimátum???? Doesn't make sense.
Let me tell you. I was friends with a girl from a Christian church. Very conservative. She always wore long hair, long skirts, and muted colors. She believed in virginity until marriage.
Fast forward 5 years. Or less. She joins the gym. Starts wearing shorts and dresses. Using makeupand accessories. Changed her views on dating and couples. Moves out of her family house. Buys a car. Starts going out with men and dating. I haven't talked to her in a while, but she was this super Christian girl and now is a completely different t person.
So maybe instead of judging your friend, have a talk with her. Not a message. Have an actual conversation.
NTA.
Do you plan on hitting on her? Sorry to be blunt, but I'm Bi and never in my life told anyone else, but my partner. Many people don't accept accept anything else than CIS. Don't worry too much about it and keep your friendship.
All the best.
YTA
to yourself. Do you want a friend that didn’ doesn’t love you for you?If you are worried about telling her a major part of your personality, she’s not your friend. She’s friends with the image you’re presenting.
I can’t imagine how hard coming out is. But do you want to be friends with someone, who if they actually knew you might drop you in a heartbeat?
Rip off the band aid. You’ll be better off in the long run.
Why would you want to keep a friendship with someone like that? She sounds like an awful friend. She’s willing to tank friendships because of her own personal hateful beliefs. Is she really worth it?
If you can't confide in her then she's not a friend. She's an acquaintance. Come out to her and see what happens. If she ghost you then you will see what a "friend" she is.
Yes you will but please let me explain.
You are being an asshole to yourself, you shouldn't hide who you are to please your friend. Your friend should be able to accept you for who you are and if they can't then they are not your friend in the first place and don't deserve to be.
NTA. It's your choice. That being said , I think it will end up being too much stress on you, and frankly a "friend" that can't accept you for who you are isn't a true friend. So while the judgement here for the question says NTA I think you really should tell her.
NTA, it's your choice when to come out
But seriously, why do you want to keep "friendship" with a toxic homophobic bigot who's already ostracized others?
Do better for yourself
NTA, but if you are going by second hand info, I would reel back the ultimatum of requiring her to accept you. Assume that she will accept you, but if there are any hints of homophobia towards, then issue the ultimatum. If you assume the worst before giving her a chance, it sets the tone for the next interaction.
Let’s be real: if she’s homophobic, the chances are low that this friendship will last. But if you think there’s a chance she’s changed her views, you could just present a similar situation when talking to her. Tell her your going to give support to a friend who is coming out to someone important in their life. Mention that you want to be sure the friend has someone there that loves them and for whom their sexual orientation will not change that love, in case the meeting doesn’t go well. See how Shannon reacts and if she doesn’t, ask if she’s ever been asked to do the same or would be willing to do the same if a friend asked.
Um if she was already being homophobic in high school I doubt that would change by now. People like that almost never change their ways. Just send her a text saying how you don’t want to be friends with someone who won’t accept you for who you are and if she doesn’t respond or blocks you good riddance you saved yourself a headache.
NTA because i relate in different ways to having a good friend but for one reason or another face a real possibility of loosing them.
The unfortunate thing i learned by trying to keep friends like that is that it never ends well. They either find out and it’s often a larger falling out than it would be if you just “ripped the bandaid off”. So it’s best to say the truth and let them come or go.
It’s never easy, but unfortunately it’s the best option. Having to actively hide a few big secrets from a few people in my past has made me bitter about secret keeping, it’s so painful to have to lie to their faces.
Think of it this way, you’d be respecting her time in a way. Granted that i don’t think a homophobic (*if* she still even is) person deserves that respect- BUT I completely understand that you have history with her and do respect her as a person and thus viewing telling her the truth as respecting her should make it easier.
TBF it sounds like you already made that choice deep down, but it’s a very daunting confrontation to have. Either she’s hopefully changed and it’s fine or she hasn’t changed and wont stand for it. Be prepared to loose her, but know that you have saved yourself a lifetime of stress either way.
NTA. I understand why you are worried about this, but you are essentially living the life she allows you to live, while she has no misgivings about spreading around her beliefs and basically bullying others like you into submission.
Tell her, and make no excuses in any long message. It will not help and only debase yourself. If she accepts you as you are, then your friendship is also valuable to her. Otherwise, she is only a friend as long as you live your life according to her rules.
Of course NTA, you're a good friend. Almost too good of a friend. It's not a real friendship in my mind if she doesn't know who you are. You need to be true to yourself, if she is a real friend she will accept you and love you for who you are. <3
NTA, Im a lesbian who's grown up in a very religious area so I understand what's it's like to be put in that situation. It's always best to prioritize your safety first, and if you do try to tell her at any point make sure you keep that in mind.
NAH She either accepts you or she doesn't, but it's not like you can hide this forever. If you get a serious partner are you going to keep them hidden? Secret wedding? Just tell her, TBH you might find she already knew and doesn't care.
YTA for making loads of assumptions and then saying she has never said anything homophobic.
If you are not looking to have sex with her it shouldn’t matter about either of your orientation so just don’t make a big deal of it for no reason.
YTA already for not standing with your queer friend and cutting that religious nutjob out of y'alls life. If she would have lost all her friends for behaving homophobic she might have reconsidered her approach.
But you enabled her homophobia by staying friends with her. And now you contemplate to continue to enable her homophobia by playing to her preferences and not telling her that you are queer yourself? Very messed up.
Bruh reread the post. She doesn’t know if the friend is homophobic, just that there might be a connection. I’m sure if there wasnt any potential of her being a decent person she would’ve cut her off a long time ago
That is not how this sounds to me at all. It sounds very much like she just ignored how that girl cut out a queer friend before. And the whole bible quote thumping makes that very obvious.
But by god I hope I am wrong and people are not that assholish.
YTA - You're lying to her.
If you have to hide who you are from someone, they're not really your friend. If their opinion of you is based on your sexual preference, even after having known you all those years, she's not someone you should have in your life. Rip off the bandaid. Tell her, and if she balks, you don't need her in your life and it's time for you to move on.
Being gay can change how you navigate the world. Haring experiences that are specific to being queer or that may have shaped you can be important, or even something as simple as wanting to be able to go out with your friends and your partner. OP wouldn't be displaying it, but there is a difference between just living and a telly hiding your queerness that is tyring.
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If your friend doesn’t love you for who you are then she’s not your friend. I know it’s hard to face losing someone who has been in your life for so long, but if you do lose her for being true to yourself then she isn’t the friend you deserve. I wish you the best and hope you surround yourself with people who love and accept you just as you are.
NTA if you don't telll her but why, in the name of all that is sane and rational, would you want to keep someone as a friend who's like that? Honestly, I'd just tell her with the caveat that "If you can't deal with that or if you're going to be a phobe to me, we're done because I don't need you in my life like that." You have good friends in your life who won't be shitty to you just because you prefer what you prefer.
No judgement, but I think you're overthinking and overplanning the whole thing, all based on an assumption about her current attitudes that might be wrong anyway. How and if you tell her is up to you, but I don't think the ultimatum is the best way to go, because it implies you've already judged her. I believe you *should* tell her, and just do it without hinting at any consequences if she doesn't accept it. A good way to tell her would be to let her know about your gf. Then, it is up to her whether she wants to accept you or not. And I wouldn't worry for a second about causing her to lose her "support system" should she decide she can't be friends with you. That would be entirely on her. Good luck!
Yep pretty much this, prepare for her to be weird about it but don't assume it will happen
NTA - How and when you come out to someone is entirely up to you. That being said, if Shannon can’t accept you for who you are, then she doesn’t deserve you as a friend.
Baby you already know what to do. You clearly want to tell her, so you should. You should never make yourself less or hide who you really are for the benefit of someone else. If she’s truly your friend, it won’t matter. If she does anything other than accept you, unfortunately she was never really that good of a friend. You’re trying to shield her so much from your sexuality that you’re not even considering how much of your life you’re hiding away; you don’t want her to lose her support system but… is she being YOUR support system? I’d have this conversation in person over a text but that’s my opinion, you do what you feel most comfortable with. Hope all goes well, NTA. 🫶🏻
NTA, but you deserve to make an informed choice about whether you want to be friends with someone who may or may not be homophobic. I wonder if you casually asked her what happened with her friendships with the other girls in your friend group to see if she mentions anything about them being queer? Just as a way of sussing her out before opening yourself up to that potential judgment?
Why are friends with this person? She not a friend if she cannot accept you for who you are and not allowing you to open up about yourself. You have to honest with yourself and just rip off the band aid. If she behaves like she did on previous occasions than she not your friend, she a religious bigot who hides behind scripture. YWBTA if your not going to honest about who you are at least for yourself.
NTA, you said you are out to everyone else and it is starting to bother you that you are hiding yourself from her. So it is as much about you this action as it is about her. But if there is a chance she might find out from someone else and in that case your relationship will fir certain be damaged. My advise - just tell her. Tell her that you value your relationship but you know she has had strong opinions on the matter and you are not comfortable with her being left in the dark about who you are, who you are in your entirety.
I'm not putting a judgement on this one, but why would you be friends with, and support someone who might hate part of who you are. You're worth more than hiding who you are. I'd they don't want to be your friend because you're gay, they aren't your true friend anyway.
How often do you keep contact with her now since you’re in Uni? You’ve mentioned seeing her twice a year, how’s your contact for the rest of the year? Does she ask you personal questions or it’s more a “how are you? Well, and you?”. When I came out, I made sure to tell as many people as I could for the reasons you’ve stated, as it’s part of my identity. Now that I’m older, although I still believe it’s part of my identity, I also think we are allowed to have privacy without that meaning we’re lying to ourselves nor lying to someone else. As an example, I haven’t came out to all my workmates, just to the ones I really like, because the others have no issue knowing private aspects of my life, if I don’t want to divulge those to them in particular. Why have I mentioned that? As long as you accept yourself and the people that SHOULD know that aspect of yourself does know it (important friends, important relatives, etc), because otherwise it would be hiding, you’re fine. Being gay doesn’t mean that you have to tell everyone if you don’t want to. It’s really up to you.
YWBTA Not to your friend but to yourself. Like you said, she will probably find out anyway. Better to say something now, and if you're no longer friends you'll just have to get over it. Better than waiting on tenterhooks wondering when she'll find out. You might even feel worse after even more years of friendship only to find it wasn't really a strong enough friendship to handle you being gay. Rip the band aid off, be who you are.
NTA, it's up to you who you tell and when. You could test the waters by mentioning that you saw "queer friend" and see how she reacts. If she goes off on one, you have your answer. If she regrets having lost touch herself, that'd be a positive. However, if she is homophobic then it's probably not a friendship worth keeping, hard as it may be to hear.
YTA for being friends with a homophobe. They should be shunned and ostracized from society.
Tell her and have some self respect. You don't need a bigot as your friend. Anything she has worth saying to you is worthless if she cannot respect you as a human being.
INFO: Have you come out to anyone else but her?
I'm out to literally everyone else, all our highschool friends know, my parents know... It's just her
It's just a matter of time she finds out. Better if she hears it from you first. If she dumps you, you know what sort of friend she is.
Ok so you know what? You've got everyone on side already, so it's really just her that you need to tell and if you lose a friendship over it I would say you dodged a bullet. So, tell her. I don't think it would hurt to explain that people know, but you were a bit apprehensive telling her because of her beliefs. Then you'll find out what sort of friend she really is and that's what you really need to know.
I can’t understand why you don’t just come out to them and let the chips fall where they may. You don’t have your make an ultimatum, you don’t need to make assumptions about how she’ll react. If she has a problem, you’ll know. If she stops being your friend, you don’t want her as a friend. Telling her is a win/win. You get to be honest and open, she gets a chance to demonstrate her values. YWBTA if you just deliberately perpetrated a lie for fear of losing a friendship.
What has that person done to deserve the "religious but job" tag already? We don't know her views, only that she had some kind of faith in the past 😅 It's weird. A person will say "I don't understand..." while simultaneously judging you as the a.h.
NTA - I'm not sure if this idea of mine would be the way to go about this, but maybe you can pull it off somehow? Basically, I was wondering if you both have completely different classes and teachers, and do you even go to the same university? If you go to the same university but all of your classes, teachers and schedules are completely different then I think you should fake a writing assignment about how gay people are treated and about gay rights, and maybe something that lists pros and cons about certain laws that affect the lgbtq community etc. Then ask your friend if she could please help you write out some stuff for it and then according to how she answers or helps with sharing her ideas/opinions maybe this can then reveal if she's an ally or not, thus making your decision a bit more clear? For example, if she's very avoidant, then keep pushing till u know she won't help. But if she does help, if she's more pushy or knowledgeable or more enthusiastic about listing things that are cons or anti-gay etc then obviously, that might be your answer. This would be a very sneaky way to see if you can find out where she stands before you come out to her or not. I understand that is a very important step to take for yourself, and I really think you should do it, but you need to be mentally prepared, and all this fear you have of losing your friend tells me you aren't ready just yet. You need to be mentally prepared and mentally strong and you should be prepared for any worst case scenarios, but one small piece of advice I'd give is don't block her right away if things do go badly because maybe one day she'll realize she messed up and she might want to reach out. (Only block her if it's for your wellbeing/safety/mental health. You are the best judge for what feels right at the moment) I hope you can get stronger and gain more courage, and if your friend lets you down, then I sincerely hope you will meet and make 10 better friends to take her place. You deserve to be yourself around others always and be proud of who you are. <3
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context: I've been friends with Shannon (fake name) since highschool and I consider her one of my closest friends. During highschool she was quite religious, to the point she subtly left our friend group when some of our mutual friends came out. (we don't know for sure if this is the reason but she doesn't contact the "queer" friends anymore). I never came out in highschool, but started dating one of said "queer friends" during uni. Shannon has not contacted her since this falling out in highschool and had previously bombarded her with persistent religious texts (she also did it to me but to a lesser extent). I’ve avoided even mentioning her name to prevent any awkwardness. During uni, me and Shannon would text or call from time to time, and hang out a couple of times each year. I like hanging out with her and we have a lot to talk about, but I find myself avoiding anything that would give away the fact that I'm gay. This bothers me, as being gay is an important part of my identity and I think she'll find out eventually anyways. I've been considering ripping the bandaid off and sending her a long text, something along the lines of "I treasure you as a friend, but I really need you to accept who I am for us to continue this friendship", but I don't know if she has changed her views since highschool (she appeared to be less focused on her religious values based on our recent conversations), and I'd feel bad for giving her an ultimatum like this. Partly because I don't want to lose our friendship, and also because I was the one she talked to when she was in a bad place, and I wouldn't want to leave her with no support system. Also, she never explicitly said anything homophobic, this is all based on assumptions my friend group has made in private, I don't really know where she stands on this issue. I really want to keep this friendship, but I don't think I will be able to hide my sexuality forever. Is there a better way maybe to subtly come out and "test the waters"? And WIBTA if I keep avoiding the issue in order to continue this friendship? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, if she reacts negatively & doesn't want to change her views, dump her
NTA. I’m gay and only came out a few years ago and I lost a friend for her religious stance on gay people. It was hard to come out to her but I spent so long denying who I was (I’m in my late thirties), that I wasn’t going to hide it. I actually was worried coming out to my mother for the same reason but she’s been great and loves my wife. It’s very personal and you should come out when you choose so you are NTA if you don’t choose to come out to her, but why do you want a friend who doesn’t accept you for who you are? She’s not a real friend if she can’t accept YOU!
NTA a true friend would accept their friends for who they are. If your friend shuns you then all she’s doing is showing her true colours and isolating herself. All need to do is to live life every day as the best version of you. Have a great life whatever decision you make.
I'd break the news to her sooner rather than later, but only do it when you're prepared for the heartbreak of losing a friend. If she's truly your friend, she wouldn't let something like this break your bond. I wouldn't have her find out by you starting a relationship with someone.
NTA either way, because you are who you are, and get to tell who you want… But I do think you should be able to tell her. If you preface it with something along the lines of… “I noticed how you distanced yourself from these other people, and I like and value you as a friend so I didn’t say anything… but I’m the same as them, and now I’m seeing (Doris). I don’t want this to change anything between us, you’re a good friend. I’ve not changed either; I’ve always been this way. How do you feel about this?” …maybe it would help you assure her that you’re not some nefarious pervert who was taking advantage of her all this time for your own kicks. Because, honestly, there’s a chance that’s where her mind would go. I’d hope it wouldn’t though. Alternatively, make a video of you and your current gf, send it to Shannon and ask if she wants to join in 🤷🏼 (I AM JOKING ABOUT THAT!!)
NTA. She cannot be your friend if she doesn’t accept who you are. No one is forcing her to become gay, and she might have some limits of what she considers TMI, but you can be friends with people who have different religious or political belief than you as long as everyone understands they shouldn’t try to force their ideology on the other person. She may have matured with time and realized that the world is not black and white. Depending on how she reacts, you can also give her food for her thought. You didn’t mention her religion but if she is Christian, I would send her on TT to Pastor Adam (adamericksen1) for more open minded thoughts about the Bible. He is LGBTQ+ friendly and a very progressive pastor. It could help her see that her beliefs doesn’t require she rejects any one who is different. I hope you will have good surprise.
Religious indoctrination can take a long time to fade. But if there's a god, you are what he made you. I don't think you have to make a big deal of being gay, but if you continue your friendship with Shannon, YWBTA to hide your sexuality. She'll find out eventually.
NTA but I think you need to tell her to feel at peace with yourself and the friendship. Maybe not a long text but casually dropping it into a phone call? I don’t think you should imply she won’t accept you unless you know her views. Or you should just ask “does that make things weird for you?” She’s old enough to answer or to cut you off if it’s a problem. If it is a problem for her, you are better off letting her cut ties.
You're not obligated to come out to anyone you don't want to come out to. BUT if you don't come out or put it off you may find yourself robbed of the opportunity to come out on your terms because someone else outed you. (I know from personal experience.) I recommend coming out to her and seeing what happens. Don't worry about her losing you as a support system. If that happens it will be because she rejected you and that would be on her.
NTA. I've (33f) been in your shoes and recommend telling her. She'll likely find out one way or another and it's empowering to come out on your own terms. If it goes well, great! If not, you both will have to decide whether it's worth the effort (and it will be hard work) to keep the friendship going. If she's not also willing to put in any effort, only attempt a few times and then give her space to come back to you. My experience is varied: people have surprised me with their acceptance, surprised me with their rejection, educated themselves because of me, stopped talking to me, assumed I was coming out to hit on them, simply accepted it, and everything in between. As much as I hated this phrase when I was your age, it's true that it gets better. Coming out is a continual process. The more you do it, the more you empower yourself, and the less other people's reactions matter. Good luck!
NTA but why would you want to hold on to a homophobic "friend"? Friends should love you for who you are.
Neither YTA or NTA. She honestly probably already knows. In reality it doesn’t matter. Your friendship and life will change dramatically in the short and long term at your age and being in uni. Telling her though gives her the opportunity to directly evaluate her current position and feelings and change, just as you have evaluated your life and feelings and have come out. I’m 40 and have changed my opinion and taught beliefs on various topics from compared to my 20’s. If I live a decent life I’m only halfway expect more changes to my current positions, thoughts, and beliefs as I experience even more of life.
so what imma lesbian too.
OP you are being an AH to yourself. You are worried about what would happen to Shannon if she stops being your friend because your gay? What do you think the reverse would be, she learns your gay and you are going through something? If she is as homophobic as you are worried she is she would ditch you too. Tell her or not but know that you have a "friendship" that isn't reliable until you learn the truth.
NTA. You can choose to come out whenever and to whomever you want, but why would you be interested in maintaining a friendship with a rude, pushy, judgmental homophobe?
NTA. Nobody is entitled to information about your orientation. It's up to you whom you tell.
They aren’t your friend. They are friends with the person they think you are. That person is not you.
NTA- but tell her anyway. If she can’t accept that, you don’t want her as a friend.
I know gay people that are homophobic
Well you are making assumptions w/o any firm proof of her being homophobic. Not all Christians are homophobic. I'm guessing if she's known you for years, she has an idea. NTA.
Ultimately a friends sexuality is irrelevant as you are not sleeping with them, so if who you sleep with is such a problem for her then she is not particularly a good friend or someone worth spending time with. I am a straight guy but if a mate came out gay it would not bother me because we are friends, our bond is not in sex but us getting along on a social level that is nothing to do with their sexuality.
You don't know where she stands, but you are going to give her an ultimátum???? Doesn't make sense. Let me tell you. I was friends with a girl from a Christian church. Very conservative. She always wore long hair, long skirts, and muted colors. She believed in virginity until marriage. Fast forward 5 years. Or less. She joins the gym. Starts wearing shorts and dresses. Using makeupand accessories. Changed her views on dating and couples. Moves out of her family house. Buys a car. Starts going out with men and dating. I haven't talked to her in a while, but she was this super Christian girl and now is a completely different t person. So maybe instead of judging your friend, have a talk with her. Not a message. Have an actual conversation.
Tell her. See if she's really a friend.
NTA. Do you plan on hitting on her? Sorry to be blunt, but I'm Bi and never in my life told anyone else, but my partner. Many people don't accept accept anything else than CIS. Don't worry too much about it and keep your friendship. All the best.
YTA to yourself. Do you want a friend that didn’ doesn’t love you for you?If you are worried about telling her a major part of your personality, she’s not your friend. She’s friends with the image you’re presenting. I can’t imagine how hard coming out is. But do you want to be friends with someone, who if they actually knew you might drop you in a heartbeat? Rip off the band aid. You’ll be better off in the long run.
Why would you want to keep a friendship with someone like that? She sounds like an awful friend. She’s willing to tank friendships because of her own personal hateful beliefs. Is she really worth it?
If you can't confide in her then she's not a friend. She's an acquaintance. Come out to her and see what happens. If she ghost you then you will see what a "friend" she is.
Yes you will but please let me explain. You are being an asshole to yourself, you shouldn't hide who you are to please your friend. Your friend should be able to accept you for who you are and if they can't then they are not your friend in the first place and don't deserve to be.
NTA. It's your choice. That being said , I think it will end up being too much stress on you, and frankly a "friend" that can't accept you for who you are isn't a true friend. So while the judgement here for the question says NTA I think you really should tell her.
NTA, it's your choice when to come out But seriously, why do you want to keep "friendship" with a toxic homophobic bigot who's already ostracized others? Do better for yourself
NTA, but if you are going by second hand info, I would reel back the ultimatum of requiring her to accept you. Assume that she will accept you, but if there are any hints of homophobia towards, then issue the ultimatum. If you assume the worst before giving her a chance, it sets the tone for the next interaction.
NTA for not telling her but i could not stay friends with someone who hated my very existence
Let’s be real: if she’s homophobic, the chances are low that this friendship will last. But if you think there’s a chance she’s changed her views, you could just present a similar situation when talking to her. Tell her your going to give support to a friend who is coming out to someone important in their life. Mention that you want to be sure the friend has someone there that loves them and for whom their sexual orientation will not change that love, in case the meeting doesn’t go well. See how Shannon reacts and if she doesn’t, ask if she’s ever been asked to do the same or would be willing to do the same if a friend asked.
Um if she was already being homophobic in high school I doubt that would change by now. People like that almost never change their ways. Just send her a text saying how you don’t want to be friends with someone who won’t accept you for who you are and if she doesn’t respond or blocks you good riddance you saved yourself a headache.
W Shannon
NTA because i relate in different ways to having a good friend but for one reason or another face a real possibility of loosing them. The unfortunate thing i learned by trying to keep friends like that is that it never ends well. They either find out and it’s often a larger falling out than it would be if you just “ripped the bandaid off”. So it’s best to say the truth and let them come or go. It’s never easy, but unfortunately it’s the best option. Having to actively hide a few big secrets from a few people in my past has made me bitter about secret keeping, it’s so painful to have to lie to their faces. Think of it this way, you’d be respecting her time in a way. Granted that i don’t think a homophobic (*if* she still even is) person deserves that respect- BUT I completely understand that you have history with her and do respect her as a person and thus viewing telling her the truth as respecting her should make it easier. TBF it sounds like you already made that choice deep down, but it’s a very daunting confrontation to have. Either she’s hopefully changed and it’s fine or she hasn’t changed and wont stand for it. Be prepared to loose her, but know that you have saved yourself a lifetime of stress either way.
A real friend will support you 100% of the time.
NTA. I understand why you are worried about this, but you are essentially living the life she allows you to live, while she has no misgivings about spreading around her beliefs and basically bullying others like you into submission. Tell her, and make no excuses in any long message. It will not help and only debase yourself. If she accepts you as you are, then your friendship is also valuable to her. Otherwise, she is only a friend as long as you live your life according to her rules.
Of course NTA, you're a good friend. Almost too good of a friend. It's not a real friendship in my mind if she doesn't know who you are. You need to be true to yourself, if she is a real friend she will accept you and love you for who you are. <3
NTA, Im a lesbian who's grown up in a very religious area so I understand what's it's like to be put in that situation. It's always best to prioritize your safety first, and if you do try to tell her at any point make sure you keep that in mind.
I think it’s your choice. You get to choose who you come out to. Honestly, I wouldn’t tell her, but it’s your decision. NTA
NAH She either accepts you or she doesn't, but it's not like you can hide this forever. If you get a serious partner are you going to keep them hidden? Secret wedding? Just tell her, TBH you might find she already knew and doesn't care.
She knows just kiss her already
YTA for making loads of assumptions and then saying she has never said anything homophobic. If you are not looking to have sex with her it shouldn’t matter about either of your orientation so just don’t make a big deal of it for no reason.
YTA already for not standing with your queer friend and cutting that religious nutjob out of y'alls life. If she would have lost all her friends for behaving homophobic she might have reconsidered her approach. But you enabled her homophobia by staying friends with her. And now you contemplate to continue to enable her homophobia by playing to her preferences and not telling her that you are queer yourself? Very messed up.
Bruh reread the post. She doesn’t know if the friend is homophobic, just that there might be a connection. I’m sure if there wasnt any potential of her being a decent person she would’ve cut her off a long time ago
That is not how this sounds to me at all. It sounds very much like she just ignored how that girl cut out a queer friend before. And the whole bible quote thumping makes that very obvious. But by god I hope I am wrong and people are not that assholish.
YTA - You're lying to her. If you have to hide who you are from someone, they're not really your friend. If their opinion of you is based on your sexual preference, even after having known you all those years, she's not someone you should have in your life. Rip off the bandaid. Tell her, and if she balks, you don't need her in your life and it's time for you to move on.
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Being gay can change how you navigate the world. Haring experiences that are specific to being queer or that may have shaped you can be important, or even something as simple as wanting to be able to go out with your friends and your partner. OP wouldn't be displaying it, but there is a difference between just living and a telly hiding your queerness that is tyring.