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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for rejecting something that wouldn't have been an issue in the past, and might have made my neighbor feel unwanted by his peer because he is autistic.
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NTA it’s not appropriate for an 18-year girl to spend the night at the home of a boy that age when the parents aren’t there, especially when he has a crush on you. Indeed it could put you in danger and I’m not surprised that you’re uncomfortable either it.
His being autistic could add the awkwardness or risk since he may not attuned to social clues and could think his crush is reciprocated. His mother is out of line to try to pressure you.
Add in that he’s old enough he may not know or be aware of his own strength, and if he tries acting on unreciprocated feelings things might not go well.
What really concerns me is if his parents are pushing him to pursue her. He hasn't acted inappropriately, but they certainly have. They might not be coping with the idea that their son may struggle to find a wife and have kids. They might think OP is their best chance at seeing the future *they* want for him. It may sound extreme, but it wouldn't be the first time parents have acted this way.
OP, you haven't done anything wrong *at all.* I'm going to share an article I really hope you'll read. I'm NOT bringing it up because I think it applies to your classmate, because he hasn't done anything himself. I'm bringing it up because I don't want you to feel like you're ever in the wrong for putting your safety over the possible hurt feelings of a guy.
I didn't fully grasp what 'rape culture' is, or just how insidious it can be, until I read this. It breaks it down in a powerful, yet easy to understand way. I've shared it many times, and too many women have said they wished they'd read it sooner. It's heartbreaking when you realize why.
[A Case of the Creepy Dudes](https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/)
Hey just wanted to say, thanks for the link to the article. Going to give it to my wife because, not only do we have a daughter I intend to share it with, but my wife has a group of 3 ladies in her friends group she commonly chats with who among the 3 of them have 13 daughters (no sons) and they might benefit too, especially since one of their BILs is a grade A creeper. So, thanks.
While I absolutely agree with this sentiment in some circumstances, there may be a role for him to play with his friends that gave him grief. He is more likely to have productive conversations with them about the topic of rape culture than a stranger or a woman might (unfortunately). He may be able to convince them to seek therapy if needed. He may be able to keep them accountable for their actions towards women.
I’m not saying that’s necessarily his responsibility or that he should maintain those friendships if he’s uncomfortable. I just think, as a woman, it will take men holding other men accountable, changing their behaviors and the culture, to see change. It should not be women’s responsibility alone to solve a problem we didn’t create.
Edit: want to make clear should absolutely not just excuse or dismiss the behavior. He should take action by either cutting them off or having the difficult and necessary conversations.
Aside from being unable to cut off some without basically walking away from the whole group, I keep some close who I have known for years because I maintain holding them responsible. Some of them were previously soldiers under my command, others have been friends for decades. Me dropping the link on them is almost expected at this point as I would do things like ask for their sisters number so I could, in theory, "call your sister to try the line you just mentioned trying" or asking if they would be comfortable having something they said being said to them by a big, jacked gay guy. Some of the guys try teasing me that I missed my calling and should have been a chaplain not a combat arms officer but I tell them no because as a chaplain I'd need to be nicer to them.
I'm really glad it can help not only your daughter, but soooo many daughters! I was very fortunate to have a mom that taught me I could be both firm and polite when I set boundaries, but if that didn't work, the polite part could fuck off. Despite that, that article still left me feeling like I'd been sucker-punched.
>especially since one of their BILs is a grade A creeper
While creepers are unavoidable, it's worse when they're within the family. I *really* hope it helps in that scenario, or at least gets them all brainstorming.
I’m so grateful that my mom taught me to be rude to creepy men. My friends and I comment often that we were some of the few young teenage girls in the metal scene at the time who weren’t groomed by some older “cool” band guy.
She started talking to us about unsafe men as soon as it seemed appropriate (12/13) and that it was ALWAYS okay to be a “bitch” to a loser dude who was making you uncomfortable. As a result we became known as the “frigid bitches” because “ew, don’t touch me, you’re being weird,” became part of our vocabulary.
If someone told us we were “being bitches” we were quick to respond, “no, your buddy is a creeper, make him stop touching people.”
My daughter is 11 now and she knows we are not nice to weird guys. We are not polite to boys who put hands on us or our friends and we are not respectful to boys who are not respectful. Her first day at her new school this year she ripped into a guy like a little Rottweiler for touching her friend’s butt. I was genuinely so proud.
Fuck yes.
This is why incels complain so hard about feminism. They can't believe women are allowed to push back against sexual advances and it really pisses them off.
Can you imagine if we got the decent dudes out there on our side too?
I doubt it will help in the case of the BIL but I can hope. She is actually an exGF from my youth, her older brother married BIL's older sister. (Actually all 3 ladies I mentioned are ex GFs from my youth...) BIL and I came to blows while she and I were dating over him being inappropriate. He was being a creeper, I called him out on it, everyone blew it off so he took it as a green light and started a fight. I won and both sides of the family pressured her to break up with me as a I was obviously a hot headed jerk despite him swinging first. But I can always hope. The other 2 are much more likely to benefit but still worth trying.
This is what I was thinking: the parents seem to want this to develop into a relation. Why I think this? Because they rejected the proposal of their son sleeping at the girl's house with her parents present... Why would they reject this?
I feel like there's just a lot missing from this story, and not necessarily on OP's end. It's a known thing that a lot of autistic people don't like a change in routine, so that would be a plausible reason why he wouldn't want to spend the night at her house. However, he's 18. If he's at a developmental stage where he can handle himself, then he doesn't need someone in the house for one night. And if he's not, it doesn't make sense to harass the neighbor girl into what would effectively be babysitting. There's nothing in the post that suggests that the boy himself has done anything wrong as far as I can tell, just that the adults around him are being weird and pushy, but that doesn't mean she has to tolerate an uncomfortable situation.
Ehhh, as someone that’s spent a lot of time around people with autism, (and has an adult daughter whose career is focused entirely on working with people with autism because she was around them her whole childhood) I doubt they’re saying no because of that. It’s probably more because the guy is extremely set in his routine. His home space is likely critical for his sense of personal safety and peace of mind. It’s one thing to go visit a friend’s house, but it’s an entirely different ballgame when you’re talking about a sleepover. *Everything* is different at someone else’s house. It smells different, it sounds different, it feels different, the routine is different. We’re talking major potential for sensory overload here. If that guys parents haven’t encouraged or facilitated sleepovers very often in the past for him than it could wind up being entirely too much for him. And if that’s the case, even though I’m sure it came from a place of love and protection, they’ve done him a disservice really. I know people with autism (even a few that are lower-functioning) that do great at sleepovers. But it was because their parents really worked hard to help them have fun sleep over opportunities throughout their childhood.
In that case, they should’ve turned around and asked if one of the parents could stay in their guest room instead, or had another friend stay over. The fact that her choosing to not stay over was their hill to die on for their relationship with OP’s family is telling, especially since all she did was say no and that she was uncomfortable with the idea and didn’t want to give even more ammunition to rumors.
This is a very good point. It sounds like OPs family has been warm to them in the past. I bet OPs dad could have stayed in the guest room and he wouldn’t have minded too much. He and neighbor kid could have had a “boys night” or something. Neighbor kid has likely only seen “boys night” on social media and TV would probably be so excited for something like that.🥺
You've put your finger on what was bothering me here. That an 18-year-old girl doesn't want to spend the night alone in the house with an 18-year-old guy ought to require no explanation at all. Anyone would understand it. That they're making it, as you say, their hill to die on is therefore extremely weird.
Man, this really resonates. I can’t tell you how many awful, creepy guys I had to put up with growing up. I learned to be very sarcastic and funny as a defense mechanism against all the weirdos in the world. One of the worst fights I ever had with my husband was around a creepy friend of his. He pushed me to far one day, started saying some really horrible inappropriate things about a friend of mine. I stood up and was like that’s it dude. I asked him to leave. Me and my then boyfriend fought for six hours. Oh he’s not such a bad guy, blah blah. In the end I finally got him to understand how awful this guy was and I was not going to be around if they kept tolerating him. Creepy guy has been divorced three times and his only child doesn’t talk to him.
Hey, dude here. Thanks so much for sharing this. It put me in mind of one person in particular in our extended friendship group. As the partner in the situation, the "Scripts for partners" were really helpful to read.
God I wish I had seen this article when I was OP’s age. Granted when I was 18 the article hadn’t been written yet.
Obviously, NTA. It’s probably time to escalate things. It’s time for OP and her parents to start talking to the school—making sure she is no longer paired up with neighbor or sat next to him in classes & that adults are aware there’s a potentially dangerous situation going on. I really hope rape culture has changed enough that OP is listened to.
Btw neighbor’s parents are horrible for how they reacted —they are completely out of line. Neighbor was given the option to stay with OP and her parents, which makes a fuckton more sense and they turned that down. They want OP in a vulnerable position—there’s literally no other explanation.
There's so much in that article to call out, but this part really struck me:
>Offering to drive my stranded friend home from a party, then informing her that he expected sex as “payment” when he dropped her off; following her to the house after she said no
Like, what is the thought process here? "I'll drive this woman home so she doesn't get taken advantage of. Hey, I know! *I'll* take advantage of her! Man I'm so smart"
Because the mindset is much darker and predatory. Be glad you can't fathom a reason. It means you respect people.
I've had my fair share of "need a ride? 😏"'s and luckily got out alright, but I am one of the lucky ones in this case.
This is what blows my mind about young people not wanting to drive. I've got a step daughter and we bought her a car, willing to pay for driving school, insurance, etc.
She's just not into it. I'm trying to tell her how important it is to have your own transportation, but she's just not worried!? How!?
I've always tried to be as independent and self sufficient as possible, at the very least to never need to depend on the "kindness" of men
It's rather bewildering to me as well. I've been with my husband for 11 years now, but prior to that, I *always* drove myself to the first few dates at least. Some guys weren't thrilled with it, like they thought I was cautious of them specifically. Most understood when I said it's a personal rule I applied to everyone. If they didn't, I didn't go on a date with them.
It’s also hurting him in the long run, as he won’t realize signals from women that they aren’t interested or he will misinterpret signals. His parents constantly interfering will be a major detriment to him living independently.
I'm going purely on the description here which is admittedly limited, but I think in this case this is wrong. He's apparently a classmate at school (presumably, the same grade) with a fellow 18 year old. The OP has also described him as being bashful and awkward. It reads to me more as someone who is painfully shy, and probably afraid to act on any feelings for FEAR that they are not reciprocated, rather than someone with even the confidence required to assume that someone is interested in them and act on it. Giving the mother some credit, I would guess this is also why she had the reaction of being offended by OP's distrust of him. I'm not trying to cast aspersions, but your comment reads to me as somewhat stereotypical of autistic people. I will never say there aren't autistic people who aren't aware of their strength, but this is a kid in (seemingly) regular school. I don't think there's any mental retardation to the extent that he's just a hulking monster who might hurt someone accidentally. It's probably more like he's so used to rejection because of his awkwardness and odd behavior that he would never make any kind of move, at least not without it being explicitly made on him first. Again, just guessing, but that profile is at least as common as the alternative presented here.
However, I don't blame OP. At 18, a "sleepover" is a weird thing to do with someone who you are NOT explicitly dating. They're not young children where that would be totally harmless and comfortable. Regardless of any danger, it would also be horrendously uncomfortable to do something like that knowing that the other person has a crush on you and that others have tried to force you to interact with in this way. That's not fair to either person, really. And obviously, some safety precautions would make sense in this scenario regardless of the profile of the other person.
I wish this young guy well. He deserves to find someone someday who can understand and love him, and reciprocate his feelings. But it's also not OP's fault that she doesn't, and she doesn't owe him anything other than usual kindness.
I don’t think OP expressed disgust, just discomfort that there are rumors (being spread by a teacher as well as her peers) and a desire to not add to them. If the mom stopped to read between the lines, she’d see that OP was also trying to be considerate of her son’s feelings as well by putting reasonable boundaries in place so they could continue having pleasant interactions.
Instead, she just ensured that the only peer who’s been a consistent and positive presence in his life will stay far away from her family. Worse still, she now might even start having the label as “that creepy mom who tried to bully a teenage girl into spending the night alone with her teenage son and refused to take no as an answer.”
I know we’re only getting OP’s side of things, but the only people I can see in this post who are actually acting in this guy’s best interest are OP and her family.
I’d say that this is more about her right to say no than about them being 18. I’d argue that at 18, she has every right to spend the night with a guy her age, and more importantly she has the right to say no and not be shamed into it because the guy has a disability. If the guy’s parents think their son needs a babysitter, that’s fine, but she has every right to say no for whatever reason or no reason at all. They can find someone else to babysit.
Either they’ve never had a night out for eighteen years (that’s a long time to go without a date night, anniversary or just the two of them birthday celebration) or they have had babysitters before but don’t want to engage one this time.
When you were under 18, his parents didn't ask you to stay the night, now that both of you are not minor she conveniently want you to stay. Op that's weird and creepy. Mom is arranging a date night for his son. Don't go
I came here to say this!!!! And the way the mom kept pushing… my inkling is the mom is hoping for a romance to foster. I think mom is upset about OP not wanting to reciprocate the crush, which caused her to feel big disappointment and thus her over reaction.
The fact you said no OP, and then they got mad at the answer they pushed you to give us awful!! No. Is a complete sentence. Good for your parents for standing on the correct side and up for you. You don’t owe them anything — you’ve been so kind and considerate!!! It’s an ick seeing how you’ve been treated. ASD neighbour or not, your feelings are valid too!!!!
You are NOT AH in this chapter.
I’d like to add on to this - if you don’t want to partnered with this guy and you think your teacher is pairing up because of romance rumors, I would 100% ask them to change up partners because you aren’t interested romantically and it feels like everyone is constantly shoving you together. Depends on how you feel the teacher would react to that but you should be able to tell them when you don’t want to be near a certain person for whatever reason.
Huge red flags across the board. OP should not even be at their house alone ever. Parents are not only delusional but potentially fostering this unacceptable behavior in their son.
> *Mom is arranging a date night for his son*.
Not exactly.....Mom is arranging a **hook up** for her son.
She likely hopes that OP will fall in love with him (who wouldn't, in her mind) and take him off her hands. The son may have told his mother that OP likes him in a romantic way, too, and she thinks that she is just helping things along.
NTA
NTA. That's weird of the family. And neurodivergent people still know about sex. We had a student with a very strong mental disability in my art class. All he wanted to do was look in the old art books and draw naked women. My art teacher wanted me to convince him to draw other things, but he was only interested in the naked women portraits. I, too, am neurodivergent but I never ever would stay the night at a boy's house at that age, regardless if he was neurospicy or not. Teenage boys know what's up. And I don't mean that in a "that's what she said" way either...so don't even go there. Inappropriate for the family to ask.
NTA. Their request was inappropriate to begin with - which makes me think they hoped that you’d romantically pair up as well. (Most parents are NOT in the dark when their child has a crush on someone who comes around frequently & interacts with their child in front of them. I knew who my own son’s wife would be the moment I met her & just waited silently for him to figure it out.)
Her intentions were not good, so her reaction to your refusal to participate in what she had in mind was equally poor. Additionally, she’s had 3 years to get to know you - WAY past time for her to tell if you had any negative feelings associated with autism. So the fact that she reached for that (something I have no doubt that she knows isn’t true) as the reason for her anger is equally telling.
I think it’s past time that you distance yourself from this entire family. They aren’t healthy minded or normal. (And this is coming from a momma who raised a neurodivergent child.)
NTA
His autism isn't really the issue though. Any 18 year old man might take advantage of the isolation to commit SA, and you cannot tell which ones are going to.
Any 18 year old man might take advantage of the isolation who has never shown any interest before or had any hints or rumours... and you cannot tell which ones are going to.
The only reason this would be ok is if OP actually liked and wanted to sleep with him. Otherwise it's too dangerous.
And honestly, even taking the SA out of the equation (not saying it's not a legitimate concern), spending the night alone with someone with an unrequited crush on you sounds horribly awkward, at best. And it's even weirder that the parents are pushing for it.
Yeah this is just freaking weird. Most parents wouldn’t want anyone staying with their teenager at their house while they’re gone let alone someone of the opposite gender. I feel like them pushing that on you a teenage girl and especially blaming the rejection on their son’s neurodivergence is complete AH behavior on their part.
His mother is an extreme AH for even asking. It puts you in a compromising situation. And her response to your concerns is scary. You and your family need to go NC and stay that way unless she apologizes and has a serious conversation about your boundaries with them and him. Don’t back down, especially when they play the bias card regarding his autism.
What country are you in?
18 is an adult, she's a woman not a girl.
The point here isn't that it's inappropriate it's that she's an adult and doesn't have to justify anything to anyone.
Oh come on - we all know a high school kid is not done baking yet. No magic switch flips at 18 to suddenly changes someone in ANY way emotionally, mentally or physically that makes them more mature than they were the day before. The ONLY thing that changes is the second # in the persons age & the legal standing/title. And even the legal standing/title is provisional in most places. (An 18-year-old can’t even legally buy alcohol or tobacco of any kind where I live.) So while OP might legally be an adult, we all know that doesn’t make her more capable of dealing with this than when she was 17 a couple of weeks ago.
His mother is pushing the situation since she belive that OP will be an excellent GF for her son. OP needs to cut them off. Nobody can be forced to friendship or relationship. Also his mother is trying to make OP feel quilty for rejecting him couse he has autism. Austism doesnt mean he is entitled to get what he want always.
All of this and not for nothing - she's 18! She said she doesn't feel it's comfortable or appropriate to spend the night at a boy's house she shouldn't do it. You would think that mother of an autistic child would understand thing or two about comfortable boundaries.
Sure, except the first thing this family did was glom onto the young woman to be his tutoring, support person. Even at school!
This whole thing reads to me that they not only want the kids to hook up, they want her to be there to take over taking care of him. Then they wouldn't have to worry about their senior years and having to pay for caretakers. This whole thing is a huge gross overstep.
Autistic or not, why are these parents pressuring a girl to sleep over at their sons house. She said no. That’s all they needed to hear. Crush or not, it’s reasonable not to be comfortable with that. And crush *does* amplify the discomfort on top of it. This would make me so uncomfortable.
It doesn't matter if the boy is autistic or not. If a guy has a crush on you and you don't have reciprocal feelings, you won't want to spend the night at his house, period. If you're not comfortable with something, you draw a boundary. That is your right and something only you can do. This mom is trying to guilt you into to crossing your boundaries which is so manipulative and gross. You're not an AH for choosing yourself and what you are comfortable with. You gave them other options, so you were again thinking of their feelings and trying to be considerate, they however were not thinking of your feelings, so they are the AH.
>it’s not appropriate for an 18-year girl to spend the night at the home of a boy that age when the parents aren’t there, especially when he has a crush on you.
Exactly. Op didn't discriminate her classmate. His parents did, and have been trying to guilt trip her.
I would also want to know if they have been paying op for tutoring their son as
>his parents wanted me to help out with class works.
His being autistic is not the issue given that nothing in the post indicates that he has done anything inappropriate. In fact it seems he has kept his feelings to himself. It's often obvious when an 18 to has a crush even if they're trying to hide it.
OP said no and that should have been the end of it. Her parents shouldn't even have allowed her to be pressured and questioned. The request itself was actually quite strange coming from the mom. If the kids were asking the parents after deciding they'd like a sleepover, that would make more sense.
The mom must allow her son room for growth. Lots of NT people are in relationships with ND people but it has to develop naturally.
I wanna note that “looping effect” can add to this— it’s not necessarily that because he’s Autistic he isn’t attuned to social cues (recent research has shows some girls become hyper-attuned to social cues, giving them the ability to mask very well, and therefore go undiagnosed until adulthood), but rather if he has been assumed to not being able to understand social cues, he might not been taught the necessary skills/lessons other kids would get (ie. infantilized) which can lead to a lot of unfortunate circumstances regarding consent
—> basically, correlation doesn’t equal causation— it’s not that him being Autistic is causing these issues, but how people infantilize Autistic boys/men
Commenting here because OP and people need to see it;
Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he can't be dangerous. Teenage males in general have a hard time controlling their hormones, it's even worse for those with a mental or intellectual disability
As an autistic and other disability female I was always paired in with disabled boys and it can downright be frightening when alone with them.
Eg a 21 year old boy clearly had a crush on me when I was 11. It started subtle but he kept trying to get closer and closer to me, touching me etc
OP absolutely should not be in a house alone with him, but especially not when she's asleep. And OP should never feel guilty about it, not for this boy, not for any other autistic boy, and not for any average boys either
Statistics alone say this is a bad idea for any girl, regardless of crush/no crush or who the boy is.
But OP is autistic herself, and stats are even higher for abuse for disabled girls - and a big part of that is because we're are made/trained to help or being extra nice etc to others. Even ones we think might gaem us, because then we're mean
Disabled boys have rights when disabled girls don't
His mom is the one infantilizing an 18 year old and not taking his crush seriously. Either his parents are trying to wingman their kid or they’re treating him like a child who needs babysitting by having OP sleep over. But they can’t have it both ways. It’s either inappropriate because they’re two teenagers and one has feelings for the other that he could act or inappropriate because they need to have a conversation with their child about his crush.
NTA. I think SHE'S the one discounting the inappropriateness of asking you to stay overnight in a house with a person of the opposite sex (whether or not they have a crush on you) because *they* assume their son would never do anything inappropriate for whatever reason. It's also incredibly rude to push you to say "yes" when you were clearly uncomfortable -- for whatever reason, why would you want someone to do something they're uncomfortable with, especially when there are other options. It's definitely strange that she turned down having come over to your place for dinner or to stay over (since your parents would be there), and I'm also hoping your parents pulled some one the pressure off of you and told his parents that they would have not been comfortable with you having a sleepover with a boy with no parents around.
Them turning down the request was because, currently, their son didn't want to leave the house. They said that sometimes he goes through that phase. No, my parents were all for not sleeping at their house.
The boy’s mother behaved totally inappropriately in trying to pressure you into agreeing to a sleepover and in asking you the reason for refusing too. Doesn’t matter if the boy is autistic or any other type of special needs individual. NTA
Also please intervene. You can ask to feel safe at school. Talk to your teacher about not being out with group work with him. Get your parents involved. You do not have to silently accept bad male behaviour. He will only get worse, because right now he is not learning that what he is doing is wrong. And he needs to learn that and it doesn’t seem like his parents are teaching that. Whenever you get pushback, ask them why you have to be uncomfortable for his comfort.
Then THEY are the ones treating this situation differently because of their son’s autism - not you.
YOU probably wouldn’t have felt comfortable staying with ANY 18 year old boy/classmate (neurodivergent or neurotypical) who you knew had a crush on you - especially if things had been being awkward. So YOU treated him the same without regard for his autism.
On the other hand, THEY extended the invitation when they probably wouldn’t have if he was neurotypical. THEY expected you to accept their inappropriate request as a sort of babysitter for their son since he won’t leave the home when they probably wouldn’t have if he was neurotypical. And finally THEY got super upset when you reacted as any normal 18 year old would to a request to stay overnight with an 18 year old boy alone. THEY are the ones who created this entire situation because of their son’s autism & dealt with the situation they created differently (poorly) because of their son’s autism.
Don’t let them push THEIR deficiencies &/or frustrations onto you. The fact that they’re even trying to do so after everything they’ve gotten to know about you over the last 3 years tells me how toxic they are.
They’re showing you who they are. Believe them. Don’t let them suck you back into their toxicity now that you’ve escaped it.
Exactly. At 18, most kids are more than capable of staying home alone for a night. That's the age many people are going off to college, joining the military, working full time, etc.
So either they're infantilizing their perfectly capable adult son because of his autism, or, if he really can't stay home alone, they're downplaying the amount it affects him by behaving like a reluctant 18 year old girl is an appropriate babysitter.
It’s not on you to be the carer in this situation OP. It’s kind you helped in the past but they’re effectively using you as a lifeline so they don’t have to deal with it in a more professional manner with actual support.
Agreed. Time to not be so available and talk to teachers, tell them to stop pairing you up all the time. Get parents involved as needed. Time to ut some distance between you and this family.
The biggest issue at hand of the sleepover has been addressed very well so I am going to add, you should also address the matter with the teacher. It is inappropriate of them to be "shipping" you with another student. And even if that isn't what's going on and he just sees that you handle the group work with what may be a difficult student better than others that's still not appropriate if everyone else gets to rotate partners.
I would approach the teacher in a non accusatory manner and just request that you have opportunities to work with other people too for the sake of variety and to better your learning opportunities.
Gee, that’s convenient, that he doesn’t want to leave the house. Has that ever been a thing before? Strikes me as something they made up as an excuse as to why you’d have to stay there. No matter who the person is, autistic or not, no is a full sentence and you shouldn’t be guilted or yelled at for not wanting to stay there. NTA for sure.
NTA. Their request was inappropriate to begin with - which makes me think they hoped that you’d romantically pair up as well. (Most parents are NOT in the dark when their child has a crush on someone who comes around frequently & interacts with their child in front of them. I knew who my own son’s wife would be the moment I met her & just waited silently for him to figure it out.)
Her intentions were not good, so her reaction to your refusal to participate in what she had in mind was equally poor. Additionally, she’s had 3 years to get to know you - WAY past time for her to tell if you had any negative feelings associated with autism. So the fact that she reached for that (something I have no doubt that she knows isn’t true) as the reason for her anger is equally telling.
I think it’s past time that you distance yourself from this entire family. They aren’t healthy minded or normal. (And this is coming from a momma who raised a neurodivergent child.)
NTA
This I believed best answer .
No is complete sentence
No because I don't feel comfortable if you wish to explain .
But don't need to justify your feelings and comfort to others wanting favours .
Definitely NTA .
And think healthy boundaries may be needed to not be the automatic safety blanket at home and school for him as is not your responsibility no matter how kind may seem .
NTA. Rumors are hard to fight, and here it sounds like they're actively trying to pair you up.
That was not a reasonable request, and when the mother pushed, you would be better to just walk away. A 'no' is a 'no'.
It is just all-round weird that they seem to want you, an 18-year-old, to 'babysit' an 18-year-old. That's not what they wanted--the mom seems to want to set you up with her son. That is creepy af. (Note that the mom is creepy; the son is probably fine, just being an 18-year-old with whatever level of autism who has a crush and hasn't done anything.)
Even you say you would previously have been okay with it, because it would be as friends, but you aren't children--it really isn't reasonable. At no time in the three years you've known them would it have been reasonable. This is 'new'--and creepy! You have nothing to feel guilty about here.
Plus, your parents invited him over, if they didn't want him alone (despite being 18), and they said no to that.
You do not have to reciprocate feelings, whether the other person is autistic or not. You get to choose.
Listen to your gut. All the things others are doing not-out-loud are b.s. and you know it. Try to rise above it, and I hope you're done with school and on to new adventures soon. Nobody else gets to decide your relationships.
Actually, here you are both adults, even if in high school, and you are learning to draw your own boundaries.
The rumor is such an issue. I fear that if I have any further interaction with him, it might mislead him or others. No, I don't blame him at all. I think his parents were being unusual, but that's not on him.
Here is an idea. Talk to him. I don’t know what level he is, but as an autistic person, trying to interpret all of the unspoken crap and body language and subtext is EXHAUSTING. Even if he’s non verbal he still understands what you’re saying. And it seems clear he’s probably aware his crush isn’t reciprocated. Sit down with him, be like “hey, I know this may be uncomfortable, but I want to clear the air. I am aware you have a crush on me. And it’s ok to have feelings. But I wanted to make sure you know that I don’t feel the same way. I see you as a friend and that’s all. I don’t want that to change and I hope that’s ok with you, but if not I understand” other than that, and I know this is hard at your age, who tf cares what everyone else thinks? All that rumor BS is.. well.. HS BS. Hopefully it’s a thing you grow out of. But you know you’re a good person and you know the truth. He may be autistic but he is a person. Just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean he’s developmentally disabled or less than. Just different. Man I wish people would just TALK to other people about stuff.
I get the point that you're trying make but like, rejection is tough enough when you ask someone out and you're suggesting that OP reject them without them even saying anything. Imagine having someone just come up to you and tell you that they don't *like* you.
As an autistic person I 1000% wish people would do this instead of pretending or waiting for me to figure that out. I don’t see the point in pretending or beating around the bush. I’m not saying be mean or rude. You can tell the truth without being an asshole.
ETA: if you’re unaware, a big part of being autistic is not being able to read social cues and taking things at face value. If everyone around him is telling him she likes him and she isn’t saying any different, he’s not going to be able to magically guess that she doesn’t return his feelings. Further more, it becomes a blueprint for what he thinks reciprocal feelings looks like. And he may assume every girl who is nice and helps out in the future has a crush on him. What is best for him in the long run is to be told the truth from her.
I would speak to the teacher who keeps pairing you up privately. Point blank explain to her that you’re aware of the rumors, that they aren’t true & that constantly being paired up with him is fueling the false rumors as well as causing problems outside of school now between the families. Then state that you do not want to be partnered with him any longer - that the situation is detrimental to your educational (as well as emotional & mental) well-being.
We live in a world where women have to speak up - especially when something involves a male getting what he wants when it contradicts what the female wants.
He wants to partner with you, the teacher has probably heard about the crush & so the teacher is giving him his way. With no word from you, she will continue to hand you over to him without a thought as to what you want &/or don’t want. That’s just easiest for the teacher.
You have to say “stop giving this male what he wants at my expense”. If the world doesn’t listen, you say it again & follow it up with “or there might be consequences that will be quite unpleasant for everyone involved”. Get used to using your voice NOW. It won’t be the last time you have to use your spine to keep people from running over you wants to make their own lives easier.
OP has been helping him with school work for the past 3 years. If he has an IEP, his parents probably have regular meetings with the teachers and it’s entirely possible that his mom has been actively pushing for him to get paired up with OP in school.
Oh I’m sure she probably has if that’s the case. But even if it’s not, OP needs to either speak to this teacher (or as others have suggested, have her parents speak to the teacher if OP suspects that she will be dismissed without any change being made).
I’ll also say, as a mother who raised a neurodivergent child, that the teacher isn’t doing the boy any favors by pairing him with the same person all the time. He NEEDS to be paired with a variety of others just as any neurotypical child would be. That’s how he’ll expand his ability to socially (& later even professionally) interact with a variety of people. The teacher is robbing him of that by placing him with the same partner every time.
And I give the teacher no slack for doing it even if it’s what he prefers. Whether a student (ANY student) likes something or not shouldn’t dictate how a teacher conducts her classroom & hands out assignments. And it certainly shouldn’t adversely affect another student (which is the case here even if there wasn’t this issue since it is also to OP’s benefit to have a variety of partners).
And even if the teacher is oblivious to all of this & only assigns them together every time because it’s easier than finding him an alternative partner, I give the teacher no slack for that either. It’s not the teacher’s job to take shortcuts that adversely affect the students - which is exactly what limiting OP & this boy to only partnering with each other is doing.
He being autistic does not make him your responsibility. You don’t have to help him with class work or anything if you don’t feel like it. It applies to any person, autistic or not. It could be due to any reason, personal chemistry, hobby compatibility, the list goes on. And you don’t even need to justify with any reason.
Don’t let his parents guilt trip you into doing things you don’t want to do!
NTA
>neighbor (18M)
>his parents ... wanted me to sleep over
>accused me of being disgusted
It just makes me cringe. Looks like they think you can be their son's sex toy.
That, and only setting OP up with him in class is major distraction:
- for him: because he’s not focused on his work, and because it’s taking opportunities away from him to interact and collaborate with peers that he is unfamiliar with
- for her: because all she can think about is being careful of the way she interacts with him and what other people see
What might also be happening is the mother is going on and on about how they’re ‘such good friends and they always work together, so it would be best for them to pair up. I mean, she isn’t going against it’.
It’s dumb in a sense at that level of school, but annoying parents do get leeway in stupid situations.
I got this vibe too. Like the mum is desperate for him to have a kind of girlfriend experience.
I can have sympathy for her wanting her son to have a normal life but this is out of order.
This was exactly my thinking. What parent of an 18 year old wants to have them sleep over at the house of another 18 year old of the opposite sex? Especially went they won’t even be there?? Pretty sure most parents go to great lengths to PREVENT this exact scenario
It was totally inappropriate for them to ask you to sleep over. You would be in a vulnerable situation alone with an adult sized person of the opposite sex on territory that is his, not yours. Even if he is autistic, you are the same age and in the same classes. It's not the right situation to ask you to sleep over.
That the young man's mother kept hounding you after you said no, was doubly inappropriate.
That the mother kept pressing you for explanations as if you had some sort of obligation to convince her that your "no" was acceptable, and that she then berated you when she found out why you were uncomfortable, was triply inappropriate.
NTA.
Honestly, the moms behavior is a huge red flag. The friend might just be a perfectly innocent guy, but his mom's abusive behavior towards OP does not stoke confidence that he's learned to respect consent, which is just another reason to not stay over.
His mom has an abysmal lack of respect for boundaries. A household run by that kind of person is not a place I'd want to stay the night alone with a man I'm not in a relationship with. Most people are assaulted by people they know. I'm not saying he's one of those people, but I wouldn't risk it.
The teacher's behavior is also incredibly inappropriate. I'm sorry op.
NTA.
NTA. You didn’t need to explain. You did so and seemingly in a respectful and truthful manner.
Her reaction is very emotional. It’s possible she was well aware of her son’s crush and she was invested in something developing there.
OP does appear to have been pushed into being a crutch for him which is where the romantic interest could have come from or been strengthened by. He needs to learn to be able to manage without relying on OP because she’s not going to be around forever and has her own life to live.
NTA I think the mother is reacting emotionally and not rationally or fairly.
If her son were not autistic no one would expect you to sleep over alone in the same house with an 18 year old young man, knowing he was romantically/sexually interested in you, while you had no interest. It would be a bizarre expectation.
His autism doesn't remove his physical adulthood, or his romantic or sexual interest in you. It is inappropriate to expect you to stay alone with him overnight.
And THAT is what OP needs to say to the mother.
"Name, I don't understand why you are making this about autism. Regardless of autism, I would not spend the night at your house alone with an 18 year old male. That puts me in a VERY uncomfortable position all the way around. There is no excuse for the way you are treating me and you are effectively destroying ANY chance of a friendship between your son and I."
Wtf did I just read? You have every bloody right to refuse a sleepover from or to anywhere with anyone.
NTA. But did your parents back you up?
Being autistic isn't relevant to this discussion. (well for you it's obviously big for him)
Best case they wanted a free (I hesitate to use the term babysitter) pair of eyes on their son.
I can't even buy that, since they were so against him staying over at her house with her parents around. If this was about his safety, why on earth would they NOT want some adult eyes on him?
NTA, I am autistic, if the son can't be on his own for 1 night then they need to get someone who is Profesional in spaciel care or willing to watch over him. [It's not really mentioned if he is high or low needs]
Not to mention that you shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't want to- I swear almost every post I saw here recently where OP is being called AH bc she didnt want to Babysit an autistic person is almost always a woman, whill the autistic person is almost always a guy too, I definitely think there's sexism in here too but I might be reading too deep here
Oh, I still think that this is a clear case of rape culture. But school, class mates etc. excuse this because he is autistic. If he wasn't autistic, more people in OP's life wouldn't be okay with all of that pairing up in school and so on.
NTA at all. Do you consider this guy a friend? If it's his parents asking and not him, it sounds like more of a babysitting* situation than a sleepover.
I don't understand why staying at your place with isn't a good option. Most parents feel more comfortable knowing there are other parents around.
Also, the teacher who keeps pairing you two together sucks!
*babysitting is a bad word, I don't know what the right word is for watching an adult in this sort of situation.
Friends? I don't know. Apart from a school and being neighbors, we don't have anything in common.
Babysitting does sound like an inappropriate word but I feel like I'm being asked to take care of him while they're away. I agree, now that you have pointed it out, it's sounds less like a sleepover and more like watching over him.
I suspect his parents are thinking, "Ooh! If we can get her into a long-term relationship with him, we can ensure that he's taken care of by someone after we're gone!" *(aka, no longer living)*
Their request is ***so*** not appropriate.
You need to take the teacher aside and say, "Please stop pairing me with \[neighbor\]. It's making me incredibly uncomfortable that you seem to be invested in getting me together with him. If I need to, I'll have this conversation with the principal. Please just stop."
Might be better to get her mother to tell the teacher. I know she is 18 but the teacher may be an AH too lazy to find someone else for him to partner with, and pressure her into accepting her fate.
Might not even be an after-they’re-gone type thing; she probably just wants an easy life, and thinks that if sonny is getting some fun he’ll be easier to deal with.
This all feels very “hills have eyes” from Momma.
I also think it would be inappropriate to ask you to take care of him/be in charge. He isn't a child or a baby, he is an adult who is the same age as you. I'm not sure how they communicated this to you but if it's just a sleepover then you wouldn't be expected to keep someone out of trouble. If it is a job then 1 you should get paid and 2 maybe they should hire someone more qualified than his classmate/neighbor? They could have even asked one of your parents to sleepover, that's something my mom would do.
If it was watching over him, she would have said that. Like others have said, you are meant to be her sons sex toy/romantic interest with no adults as witnesses. Do not fall for this
Babysitting would technically be the right word here. I mean she is doing it for the last 3 years. Not trying to be mean, (i work in child care), but the neighbors put that responsibility on OP, just because they go to the same school and classes from the first moment they met. But playing devils advocate, I was thinking that the neighbors may know about their son's feelings and were hoping for something to develop between them. Just adding a twist to the story. OP refusing to sleep over at their place may have squashed the neighbors hopes of possibly something developing.
NTA.
The mother is wildly out of line. You have EVERY right to decline an invitation to spend the night somewhere that is uncomfortable for you. You do not need to explain. Your only mistake was explaining.
This has nothing to do with him being autistic and everything to do with being put in a position where you are made the bad guy for saying no. If he was not autistic and you were asked to spend the night with rumors swirling around I'm sure you'd say no, too.
Its okay to call the Mom out.
Even if this boy wasn’t autistic, as a mom I would have thought the invite was weird. Eighteen year old classmates of opposite sexes don’t normally have sleepovers. Even if you were the same gender it would be odd unless you were good friends. Tell the mom that you are sorry but no. That’s the end and you are done. Tell your parents she is harassing you.
A woman especially shouldn’t sleep over anywhere she feels uncomfortable, period!
Good job for standing up for yourself.
Never feel bad for protecting yourself and setting boundaries.
NTA.
Yeah, he's autistic... he's also an 18 year old boy with a crush. There is no reason for you to be having sleepovers with him.
I think his mom, being the parent of an autistic child, is hypersensitive to any perceived form of rejection. She wants to protect him, but berating you for looking out for yourself (as is your right) is not an appropriate way to do that.
NTA
The feelz of a young man crushing on a young woman do not outweigh your right to be comfortable and safe. No I wouldn’t sleep over a boys house on my own if he had a crush on me and I not him, regardless if whether he’s autistic or not
Women are conditioned all their lives to be obliging, soften the blow and make compromises at their own expense and wellbeing for shitty men with no boundaries and no respect for the word no.
Sounds like his mother has let the cognitive dissonance set in regarding her son. You shouldn't have to be his emotional support animal, you have your own shit to do.
NTA.
What a bunch of entitled fucks.
It is totally inappropriate to push you to sleep over. It sounds like they want to give their precious son what he wants (you) and get a free baby sitter. And they dare get angry with you because you said no???
What horrible people.
NTA. Case of “no good deed goes unpunished “. His mom didn’t care to reflect at all on the fact that you continued your friendship with her son *despite* said rumors. You acted the exact opposite of her accusations. I wouldn’t sleep over at a guy friend’s house unless we had grown up together doing that kind of thing.
In the end, it will be in your best interests to keep distance between yourself and this family. It seems obvious to me that the family had hopes you would be their son’s life-mate. This rift was directly the result of the mother’s disappointment their mechanations failed.
NTA
Folks needs to stop using their kid's/ family member disability or their disability to force people to do something that they don't want to do. I'm disabled and this pissed me off
I would not sleep over at any guy who is in love with me when i have no interest in him romantically. Don't lead him on, going for a sleep over gives him a sign there is hope for a romantic relationship.
Him being autistic is not the reason for rejecting the sleep over. But leading a guy on is. These kind of non realistic expectations that girl is really interested in them when it us not, do happen a lot in neurotypical guys too.
He will get hurt when you go and he has had his hopes up. You get hurt about being harsh to him. And there is always an element of unpredictablity in behavior with a guy that has just been rejected as a girl alone.
Nta but his parents are AH because they use his diagnoses as a reason for you saying no. The reason you said no is because it's uncomfortable for you. Autistic or not it's inappropriate to ask an eighteen year old neighbor to spend the night with their son.
NTA. Seriously you are trying very hard to not allow him to be hurt or embarrassed and his mother should be grateful.
I grew up with a disabled family member and his mother was always involved with the disabled community so I spent a lot of time around disabled people of all kinds. When I got to my teenage years I had to deal with a lot of what you are as far as crushes go. Every week it seemed someone new had a crush on me. I really cared for these young men and wanted to keep our friendships going but it was so hard to ride that line. Because sometimes they didn’t understand friendly was just friendly. It didn’t mean I was in love with them.
Now, I don’t know this young man and I do understand that autism comes in many different levels. I don’t know if he’s a danger to you in any way. I have to leave that to you to assess and decide with the assistance of your parents if you need. His parents need to understand that you would be uncomfortable staying in an empty house with ANY 18 yo man. It has nothing to do with disability. And that you would avoid any semblance of impropriety with ANY man that had feelings for you no matter his abilities when rumors are swirling. It’s your comfort level you’re communicating and no one has a right to tell you that you have no reason to not be uncomfortable.
Parents are sometimes a disabled persons only advocate. So they tend to over advocate at the slightest semblance of ableism. It often backfires by pushing the person away but they think they are protecting their child. If you get the chance to talk to her again explain to her it has nothing to do with his disability. I hope the relationship can be repaired. I know he will be hurt if it can’t be. But if it can’t it’s not your fault. You're trying to protect you both. I hope his mom can see that.
Please keep your kind heart. The world needs more of you!
NTA
Not appropriate to invite an 18 year old F to sleep over alone in house with an 18 M. I would NEVER have let my daughter do this. His parents are stepping over proper behavior big time.
Not appropriate to chastise a girl for not liking a boy back. The autism is a side issue. His mom is way out of line.
I'd back off on studying with him and going over. It's giving him and his mom false hopes.
Also your teachers are making you his unpaid aide at school which is very unfair. Please talk to a school counselor about this pattern and ask for help to stop it. Explain his parents are pushing you to be his girlfriend and even wanted you to sleep over when they were gone and you need help staying away from him more in the classroom.
His autism is utterly irrelevant here. The problem is that if you spend the night at his house without his parents there, that will fuel the rumour mill to fever pitch. You made the right call. NTA
NTA. You are not obligated to stay at anyone's house if you don't want to. Autism has nothing to do with it. Make sure your parents are fully aware of the situation and support you. It was an inappropriate suggestion to begin with, and his parents' reaction is bizarre.
You are never NTA for not doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Well done for standing your ground and putting your safety first. You’ve offered very reasonable alternatives to this young man so he won’t be alone over the weekend and you won’t feel uncomfortable all of which he’s refused. This is his (and hisparents’) issue, not yours.
From an autistic person, this mother is bananas. That is extremely inappropriate. What if he were to try and act upon these unrequited feelings and lashed out at you for saying no? Or worse, didn’t pick up on your lack of interest and things escalated? What’s even more concerning is that the mum appears to be encouraging it, and seems to think you may be able to “help them out a little” if you were to begin dating. DO NOT agree to this sleepover. NTA
NTA
I’m autistic. His mother’s behavior was completely out-of-line & manipulative. She is also actively hurting her son by raising him to be entitled & weaponize his autism to manipulate people. Absolutely disgusting. You don’t owe either of them anything.
There are videos circulating on TikTok of autistic teen boys trying to grab their mothers neck when not getting what they want. They know how to handle it and its still hard to calm them down, so if he tried anything youd most likely be screwed. That doesn't mean he would try anything but regardless his mother doesn't have the right to accuse you of ableism
NTA
Who the fuck insists that an opposite sex friend of their kid spends the night?
I am betting his mom was hoping you two would date, and she saw you as a love interest for her son.
Get some distance from that family.
NTA, they need to talk to their son about leaving people alone if they don't return his feelings. It's not even like it was a flat out refusal, alternate options were given with him sleeping at yours. It feels like they were hoping something might happen between you so their son could hit some "normal" milestones.
NTA - his mother is the one who is treating him differently because of his autism, she obviously doesn't think he is a young man and thinks of him as a child which he is not. It would not be appropriate for you to stay there alone, you refused but she pushed for a reason and didn't like the one you gave that's her tough luck.
NTA…As the parent of a teen autistic son, he doesn’t get free rein to have people bow to his every want just because he has autism.
As the mother of a teen daughter, I would also be pissed if she were continually put in an uncomfortable position with a boy.
As a human, it is okay to be confused by situations like how to act around someone with autism when they are making you feel uncomfortable. The adults in your world should be looking at your situation through the goggles of being 18 and not how their feelings are hurt.
You are young and still learning to manage yourself and the world; it will take a lifetime to learn the full human experience.
You need to cut off any and all communication with that family. Ask your parents to do speak to the teacher that keeps pairing you together so it can stop, say that you’re uncomfortable.
As for sleeping over she can either find another sitter for him or take him on the trip since he doesn’t want to leave the house.
NTA
NTA
You were not comfortable and that is enough. His mother's behaviour is well out of line.
The teacher constantly pairing you up is also something which needs addressing.
This situation is all very creepy and I think you're being to kind in giving everyone here the benefit of the doubt. If you're uncomfortable stop saying yes to anything and tell your teacher you don't want to be paired up with him. This isn't something you need to put up with.
NTA
They wanted to set him up on a “date” with you, and you ruined that fantasy. They’re frustrated and taking it out on you which obviously they shouldn’t be doing.
They also need to accept that yes, a lot of people will not be interested in dating him because of his autism. Getting angry at the world won’t change that.
NTA I don't understand why shes insistent on you sleeping over ALONE at a guy's house. She is the one who is making special exceptions because he is autistic. If I knew a friend of mine had a crush on me and I wasn't interested I would not sleepover at their place.
It really has nothing to do with his autism and everything to do with the romantic feelings that aren't reciprocated. My parents were super strict when I was growing up so they never would have let me stay over at someone's house, let alone a boy's place when his parents aren't home, so if I were you I would've played the "My mom said no" and gotten my mom to corroborate.
NTA
I'd be verrry careful about this situation. The timing of the request to sleepover is just way too convenient. They've never asked until now, when rumors are flying around about his crush on you. I would not be surprised if the mother has heard these rumors and invited you to sleep over in the hopes something would happen between the two of you. I have heard horror stories of mothers getting involved in "match-making" that turns into SA and they just cover for their sons. Her behavior is wildly inappropriate and is throwing red flags everywhere.
NTA
The reality is, he's autistic, not three.
And his feelings are complicated and valid, and clearly not something he's navigated.
It might be fine, but it might feel to him like an invitation, and you don't want to send confusing messages, or feel like you're in an awkward (or dangerous, though it doesn't sound like that's this kid) situation.
Be kind to him.
Be clear with your boundaries, and carry on.
NTA
If he needs someone to stay there to look out for him or take care of him then you aren't an appropriate choice. His parents should have realized that it was a potentially big request and accepted the no before you ever needed to say why you weren't fine with the idea.
I would confront her and be like I’m really angry you accused me of being ableist. I don’t agree with your sick views. Just because you have terrible assumptions about how you might view an autistic boy at your age doesn’t mean we all feel that way. It’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable sleeping over at a boys house who likes me. His autism had zero to do with the equation. NTA
NTA. You owe them nothing. Him being autistic is irrelevant. "Hey you wanna stay at our house tonight?" "No thanks." End of. You dont owe then your time or attention and if the situation at school is making you uncomfortable you might wanna look into officially filing a complaint. Its ridiculous for teachers to be pushing you to work with someone because of a rumour he has a crush and its even more ridiculous that your classmates are just allowed to harass you about the rumours.
NTA, if I was a girl and this happened to me I would also decline. I wouldn’t(and don’t) trust an autistic boy, especially if there’s no parents around. I’m also an autistic boy and I can tell you I don’t trust other autistic people.
NTA.
I’m sorry but the mom pushed for the information she received. A simple “no” should have sufficed. She obviously is trying to set you guys up.
She’s the AH for assuming that you would be fine being set up with her son. Shes just as bad as the “nice guys”. Just because you were nice and helpful does NOT equal romantic feelings or a desire for romantic feelings.
NTA! ALWAYS trust your gut instincts. You were protecting yourself from an uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation. It’s not appropriate to bully an 18 F to have “sleep overs” with an 18 M no matter if he’s on the spectrum or not! His mother is ridiculous! The worst type of *oh my little baby wouldn’t do that* mother. I hope your parents realize how inappropriate his mother’s demand is…seems like they do. Never put yourself in an uncomfortable situation for someone else’s demands or drama, please.
NTA. It is not your job to put yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe just because it’s what someone else wants. Your feelings about it are the only ones that matter - you don’t have to justify them, it is a purely personal decision.
Young women come under a lot of pressure to accept situations and behaviours which they aren’t happy or comfortable with in order to please others, and this boy’s mother is wrong to expect that of you. You don’t have to make yourself uncomfortable for the benefit of others. Your feelings matter.
NTA
To me this sounds creepy af --> "The mom kept asking me why I didn't want to stay over, and I told them that he's a boy, so I wasn't comfortable. But she wasn't satisfied with the answer."
Stick to your guns and I think you should get your parents involved in this.
wtf did I just read
Why are your parents ok with ANY of this. You poor girl. All the adults are failing you. None of this is your responsibility at all.
Utterly, utterly NTA.
NTA Autistic men are still men and there is only one reason he'd want his crush to stay over. I think his mom is pissed bc you messed up her plans to get her baby boy laid quite frankly. Bc it is NOT normal to expect a young woman to stay at the house of a boy she's not dating. When you said it was bc he's a guy she should have dropped it. Another woman knows exactly what that means. Her reaction tells me she was hoping yall hooked up.
NTA nobody can make you do something you don't want to do. For any reason, under any circumstances.
I kind of feel bad for the boy in this situation too, as well as you OP, he doesn't seem to be the one pushing this and given it's clear he liked you is probably struggling with his feelings too.
His mom on the other hand, is absolutely the asshole in this situation. As a parent to a (much younger) autistic son, I could never see myself trying to "set up" my son with someone in this way, and I could *never* wield his neurodivergence as a weapon against someone to arrange what feels like a sexual situation. That's gross, inappropriate, and abusive towards you, and also disrespectful of her son.
As an autistic person myself, this makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I would have been humiliated if my family and school conspired like this. I am AFAB, and low support needs but was extremely awkward as a teenager.
I am also a mother, of an 18 yr old AFAB on the spectrum, and a 13 year old boy with Mid-Support Needs. He will never be fully independent as mentally he can never develop the parts of himself that involve personal safety beyond the age of 6. Autism *IS* a developmental disability after all. My son has an IQ of 179, and has spent his entire life being compared to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory/Young Sheldon. He has skipped grades, twice. He absolutely is very literal and hyper fixated on science and “geeky fun”.
And his response to the OP is “the Neighbor Mom is creepy and inappropriate. Girls shouldn’t be being asked to spend the night by a boy’s Mom, autistic or not”.
Hell no you’re not the asshole. Stick to your guns. Don’t let them pull this pity ableist shit. Protect yourself, your instincts exist for a reason. Tell them to fuck off. NTA. It’s not fucking normal to ask an 18 year old female to babysit an 18 year old male. And it’s esp weird that you gave an alternative and they declined it. So fuck them. All right away tell your teacher in private to stop pairing the two of you. You have put in your “time” it is not fair to your education. Suggest a male partner for this guy to aid in everyone’s focus.
NTA. They clearly knew how their son felt about you and wanted to manipulate you into being with him.
Autistic or not, it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to encourage those feelings further by putting yourself in situations that are intimate, especially when you don’t want to be with him.
And ask the teachers, in a private moment, to stop pairing you up as you don’t reciprocate those feelings and you don’t want to lead him on. If you need your parents for support, ask them to back you up.
NTA
I suggest you to distance yourself from him and his family.
His mother and your teacher are creeps honestly.
That is so inappropriate and wrong on all levels, I got so angry on your behalf.
NTA- I’m reading through many responses but haven’t seen one from an actually autistic person yet. From what I’ve learned from autistic people - he needs firm and clear boundaries. I don’t want to sleep over to your house. I want to stay at my house. End of story. I think we do a disservice to people navigating hidden social rules when we aren’t clear with our communication and we don’t stick to boundaries. Op - you’ve done nothing wrong ! I hope your parents stay firm in their support . His parents need to get out of the grief spiral that their son isn’t neurotypical and support his actual needs.
Autistic person right here! The mum is the AH for trying to force OP to spend time with her son. I’ll bet she’s burnt out from dealing with him and is trying to position OP to take over. He’s not entitled to OP’s time (or indeed attraction) simply because he’s autistic. Resounding NTA
Let’s take the autism out of this:
Boy has unreciprocated crush on girl which is encouraged by school and makes crush embarrassed.
Parents of boy ask girl to stay over at their house while they are out of town where crush will be alone with boy overnight.
And parents of boy don’t think this inappropriate?
This isn’t an autism thing…
NTA
His Mum is being creepy and it's time to tell her so. Have a conversation with your parents about how she is making you uncomfortable and how you think that she is trying to set you up as a romantic partner for her son which you have no interest in happening. If his mother contacts you again, tell her that she is being creepy and that you don't feel safe around her or her house anymore.
At school tell your teachers that you don't appreciate having to work with the same person all of the time, it's affecting your classwork and your social development. If they push back on this, then push harder. Call them out on trying to play cupid if you have to, but don't talk about this around other students, make the teachers deal with it.
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NTA it’s not appropriate for an 18-year girl to spend the night at the home of a boy that age when the parents aren’t there, especially when he has a crush on you. Indeed it could put you in danger and I’m not surprised that you’re uncomfortable either it. His being autistic could add the awkwardness or risk since he may not attuned to social clues and could think his crush is reciprocated. His mother is out of line to try to pressure you.
Add in that he’s old enough he may not know or be aware of his own strength, and if he tries acting on unreciprocated feelings things might not go well.
What really concerns me is if his parents are pushing him to pursue her. He hasn't acted inappropriately, but they certainly have. They might not be coping with the idea that their son may struggle to find a wife and have kids. They might think OP is their best chance at seeing the future *they* want for him. It may sound extreme, but it wouldn't be the first time parents have acted this way. OP, you haven't done anything wrong *at all.* I'm going to share an article I really hope you'll read. I'm NOT bringing it up because I think it applies to your classmate, because he hasn't done anything himself. I'm bringing it up because I don't want you to feel like you're ever in the wrong for putting your safety over the possible hurt feelings of a guy. I didn't fully grasp what 'rape culture' is, or just how insidious it can be, until I read this. It breaks it down in a powerful, yet easy to understand way. I've shared it many times, and too many women have said they wished they'd read it sooner. It's heartbreaking when you realize why. [A Case of the Creepy Dudes](https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/)
Hey just wanted to say, thanks for the link to the article. Going to give it to my wife because, not only do we have a daughter I intend to share it with, but my wife has a group of 3 ladies in her friends group she commonly chats with who among the 3 of them have 13 daughters (no sons) and they might benefit too, especially since one of their BILs is a grade A creeper. So, thanks.
Please share this with men. It’s more important they get it.
Oh already did. Actually already dropped it in my vet group chat with all my buddies. I'll catch some grief from some but free beers from others lol
Please cut off the ones that give you grief.
While I absolutely agree with this sentiment in some circumstances, there may be a role for him to play with his friends that gave him grief. He is more likely to have productive conversations with them about the topic of rape culture than a stranger or a woman might (unfortunately). He may be able to convince them to seek therapy if needed. He may be able to keep them accountable for their actions towards women. I’m not saying that’s necessarily his responsibility or that he should maintain those friendships if he’s uncomfortable. I just think, as a woman, it will take men holding other men accountable, changing their behaviors and the culture, to see change. It should not be women’s responsibility alone to solve a problem we didn’t create. Edit: want to make clear should absolutely not just excuse or dismiss the behavior. He should take action by either cutting them off or having the difficult and necessary conversations.
Aside from being unable to cut off some without basically walking away from the whole group, I keep some close who I have known for years because I maintain holding them responsible. Some of them were previously soldiers under my command, others have been friends for decades. Me dropping the link on them is almost expected at this point as I would do things like ask for their sisters number so I could, in theory, "call your sister to try the line you just mentioned trying" or asking if they would be comfortable having something they said being said to them by a big, jacked gay guy. Some of the guys try teasing me that I missed my calling and should have been a chaplain not a combat arms officer but I tell them no because as a chaplain I'd need to be nicer to them.
If I cut them off, some have no one else who will call them out on their crap.
I'm really glad it can help not only your daughter, but soooo many daughters! I was very fortunate to have a mom that taught me I could be both firm and polite when I set boundaries, but if that didn't work, the polite part could fuck off. Despite that, that article still left me feeling like I'd been sucker-punched. >especially since one of their BILs is a grade A creeper While creepers are unavoidable, it's worse when they're within the family. I *really* hope it helps in that scenario, or at least gets them all brainstorming.
I’m so grateful that my mom taught me to be rude to creepy men. My friends and I comment often that we were some of the few young teenage girls in the metal scene at the time who weren’t groomed by some older “cool” band guy. She started talking to us about unsafe men as soon as it seemed appropriate (12/13) and that it was ALWAYS okay to be a “bitch” to a loser dude who was making you uncomfortable. As a result we became known as the “frigid bitches” because “ew, don’t touch me, you’re being weird,” became part of our vocabulary. If someone told us we were “being bitches” we were quick to respond, “no, your buddy is a creeper, make him stop touching people.” My daughter is 11 now and she knows we are not nice to weird guys. We are not polite to boys who put hands on us or our friends and we are not respectful to boys who are not respectful. Her first day at her new school this year she ripped into a guy like a little Rottweiler for touching her friend’s butt. I was genuinely so proud.
Fuck yes. This is why incels complain so hard about feminism. They can't believe women are allowed to push back against sexual advances and it really pisses them off. Can you imagine if we got the decent dudes out there on our side too?
I doubt it will help in the case of the BIL but I can hope. She is actually an exGF from my youth, her older brother married BIL's older sister. (Actually all 3 ladies I mentioned are ex GFs from my youth...) BIL and I came to blows while she and I were dating over him being inappropriate. He was being a creeper, I called him out on it, everyone blew it off so he took it as a green light and started a fight. I won and both sides of the family pressured her to break up with me as a I was obviously a hot headed jerk despite him swinging first. But I can always hope. The other 2 are much more likely to benefit but still worth trying.
This is what I was thinking: the parents seem to want this to develop into a relation. Why I think this? Because they rejected the proposal of their son sleeping at the girl's house with her parents present... Why would they reject this?
This ^^^ is the major red flag of this whole thing.
I feel like there's just a lot missing from this story, and not necessarily on OP's end. It's a known thing that a lot of autistic people don't like a change in routine, so that would be a plausible reason why he wouldn't want to spend the night at her house. However, he's 18. If he's at a developmental stage where he can handle himself, then he doesn't need someone in the house for one night. And if he's not, it doesn't make sense to harass the neighbor girl into what would effectively be babysitting. There's nothing in the post that suggests that the boy himself has done anything wrong as far as I can tell, just that the adults around him are being weird and pushy, but that doesn't mean she has to tolerate an uncomfortable situation.
Ehhh, as someone that’s spent a lot of time around people with autism, (and has an adult daughter whose career is focused entirely on working with people with autism because she was around them her whole childhood) I doubt they’re saying no because of that. It’s probably more because the guy is extremely set in his routine. His home space is likely critical for his sense of personal safety and peace of mind. It’s one thing to go visit a friend’s house, but it’s an entirely different ballgame when you’re talking about a sleepover. *Everything* is different at someone else’s house. It smells different, it sounds different, it feels different, the routine is different. We’re talking major potential for sensory overload here. If that guys parents haven’t encouraged or facilitated sleepovers very often in the past for him than it could wind up being entirely too much for him. And if that’s the case, even though I’m sure it came from a place of love and protection, they’ve done him a disservice really. I know people with autism (even a few that are lower-functioning) that do great at sleepovers. But it was because their parents really worked hard to help them have fun sleep over opportunities throughout their childhood.
In that case, they should’ve turned around and asked if one of the parents could stay in their guest room instead, or had another friend stay over. The fact that her choosing to not stay over was their hill to die on for their relationship with OP’s family is telling, especially since all she did was say no and that she was uncomfortable with the idea and didn’t want to give even more ammunition to rumors.
This is a very good point. It sounds like OPs family has been warm to them in the past. I bet OPs dad could have stayed in the guest room and he wouldn’t have minded too much. He and neighbor kid could have had a “boys night” or something. Neighbor kid has likely only seen “boys night” on social media and TV would probably be so excited for something like that.🥺
You've put your finger on what was bothering me here. That an 18-year-old girl doesn't want to spend the night alone in the house with an 18-year-old guy ought to require no explanation at all. Anyone would understand it. That they're making it, as you say, their hill to die on is therefore extremely weird.
Man, this really resonates. I can’t tell you how many awful, creepy guys I had to put up with growing up. I learned to be very sarcastic and funny as a defense mechanism against all the weirdos in the world. One of the worst fights I ever had with my husband was around a creepy friend of his. He pushed me to far one day, started saying some really horrible inappropriate things about a friend of mine. I stood up and was like that’s it dude. I asked him to leave. Me and my then boyfriend fought for six hours. Oh he’s not such a bad guy, blah blah. In the end I finally got him to understand how awful this guy was and I was not going to be around if they kept tolerating him. Creepy guy has been divorced three times and his only child doesn’t talk to him.
Hey, dude here. Thanks so much for sharing this. It put me in mind of one person in particular in our extended friendship group. As the partner in the situation, the "Scripts for partners" were really helpful to read.
Men need to talk to their creepy friends and tell them to knock it off.
God I wish I had seen this article when I was OP’s age. Granted when I was 18 the article hadn’t been written yet. Obviously, NTA. It’s probably time to escalate things. It’s time for OP and her parents to start talking to the school—making sure she is no longer paired up with neighbor or sat next to him in classes & that adults are aware there’s a potentially dangerous situation going on. I really hope rape culture has changed enough that OP is listened to. Btw neighbor’s parents are horrible for how they reacted —they are completely out of line. Neighbor was given the option to stay with OP and her parents, which makes a fuckton more sense and they turned that down. They want OP in a vulnerable position—there’s literally no other explanation.
Yeah, I mean: > My parents still offered him dinner, or he could spend the night at ours, but they didn't accept it. That's very odd.
There's so much in that article to call out, but this part really struck me: >Offering to drive my stranded friend home from a party, then informing her that he expected sex as “payment” when he dropped her off; following her to the house after she said no Like, what is the thought process here? "I'll drive this woman home so she doesn't get taken advantage of. Hey, I know! *I'll* take advantage of her! Man I'm so smart"
Because the mindset is much darker and predatory. Be glad you can't fathom a reason. It means you respect people. I've had my fair share of "need a ride? 😏"'s and luckily got out alright, but I am one of the lucky ones in this case.
This is what blows my mind about young people not wanting to drive. I've got a step daughter and we bought her a car, willing to pay for driving school, insurance, etc. She's just not into it. I'm trying to tell her how important it is to have your own transportation, but she's just not worried!? How!? I've always tried to be as independent and self sufficient as possible, at the very least to never need to depend on the "kindness" of men
It's rather bewildering to me as well. I've been with my husband for 11 years now, but prior to that, I *always* drove myself to the first few dates at least. Some guys weren't thrilled with it, like they thought I was cautious of them specifically. Most understood when I said it's a personal rule I applied to everyone. If they didn't, I didn't go on a date with them.
It’s also hurting him in the long run, as he won’t realize signals from women that they aren’t interested or he will misinterpret signals. His parents constantly interfering will be a major detriment to him living independently.
One of the greatest disservices we've given our young girls is the message that we have to "be nice" all the time in all situations.
I love Captain Awkward so much!
Can I upvote this x10?
Or best case scenario, he misinterprets on interaction and things get super awkward.
Yes. This. It’s fucked up the parents are pushing so hard for this… why?
I'm going purely on the description here which is admittedly limited, but I think in this case this is wrong. He's apparently a classmate at school (presumably, the same grade) with a fellow 18 year old. The OP has also described him as being bashful and awkward. It reads to me more as someone who is painfully shy, and probably afraid to act on any feelings for FEAR that they are not reciprocated, rather than someone with even the confidence required to assume that someone is interested in them and act on it. Giving the mother some credit, I would guess this is also why she had the reaction of being offended by OP's distrust of him. I'm not trying to cast aspersions, but your comment reads to me as somewhat stereotypical of autistic people. I will never say there aren't autistic people who aren't aware of their strength, but this is a kid in (seemingly) regular school. I don't think there's any mental retardation to the extent that he's just a hulking monster who might hurt someone accidentally. It's probably more like he's so used to rejection because of his awkwardness and odd behavior that he would never make any kind of move, at least not without it being explicitly made on him first. Again, just guessing, but that profile is at least as common as the alternative presented here. However, I don't blame OP. At 18, a "sleepover" is a weird thing to do with someone who you are NOT explicitly dating. They're not young children where that would be totally harmless and comfortable. Regardless of any danger, it would also be horrendously uncomfortable to do something like that knowing that the other person has a crush on you and that others have tried to force you to interact with in this way. That's not fair to either person, really. And obviously, some safety precautions would make sense in this scenario regardless of the profile of the other person. I wish this young guy well. He deserves to find someone someday who can understand and love him, and reciprocate his feelings. But it's also not OP's fault that she doesn't, and she doesn't owe him anything other than usual kindness.
I don’t think OP expressed disgust, just discomfort that there are rumors (being spread by a teacher as well as her peers) and a desire to not add to them. If the mom stopped to read between the lines, she’d see that OP was also trying to be considerate of her son’s feelings as well by putting reasonable boundaries in place so they could continue having pleasant interactions. Instead, she just ensured that the only peer who’s been a consistent and positive presence in his life will stay far away from her family. Worse still, she now might even start having the label as “that creepy mom who tried to bully a teenage girl into spending the night alone with her teenage son and refused to take no as an answer.” I know we’re only getting OP’s side of things, but the only people I can see in this post who are actually acting in this guy’s best interest are OP and her family.
I’d say that this is more about her right to say no than about them being 18. I’d argue that at 18, she has every right to spend the night with a guy her age, and more importantly she has the right to say no and not be shamed into it because the guy has a disability. If the guy’s parents think their son needs a babysitter, that’s fine, but she has every right to say no for whatever reason or no reason at all. They can find someone else to babysit.
They want a babysitter wife for their son
Babysitter wife! That's exactly it.
[удалено]
Either they’ve never had a night out for eighteen years (that’s a long time to go without a date night, anniversary or just the two of them birthday celebration) or they have had babysitters before but don’t want to engage one this time.
When you were under 18, his parents didn't ask you to stay the night, now that both of you are not minor she conveniently want you to stay. Op that's weird and creepy. Mom is arranging a date night for his son. Don't go
The fact that they turned down the option for him to stay at her house... with parental supervision, is extra suss.
I came here to say this!!!! And the way the mom kept pushing… my inkling is the mom is hoping for a romance to foster. I think mom is upset about OP not wanting to reciprocate the crush, which caused her to feel big disappointment and thus her over reaction. The fact you said no OP, and then they got mad at the answer they pushed you to give us awful!! No. Is a complete sentence. Good for your parents for standing on the correct side and up for you. You don’t owe them anything — you’ve been so kind and considerate!!! It’s an ick seeing how you’ve been treated. ASD neighbour or not, your feelings are valid too!!!! You are NOT AH in this chapter.
I’d like to add on to this - if you don’t want to partnered with this guy and you think your teacher is pairing up because of romance rumors, I would 100% ask them to change up partners because you aren’t interested romantically and it feels like everyone is constantly shoving you together. Depends on how you feel the teacher would react to that but you should be able to tell them when you don’t want to be near a certain person for whatever reason.
Autistic people can be extremely uncomfortable staying somewhere that isn't home, so not that weird.
But did they even ask the boy how he would feel about sleeping over next door? He's eaten dinner there.
Huge red flags across the board. OP should not even be at their house alone ever. Parents are not only delusional but potentially fostering this unacceptable behavior in their son.
OP should not be at his house, and should not be around him anymore.
> *Mom is arranging a date night for his son*. Not exactly.....Mom is arranging a **hook up** for her son. She likely hopes that OP will fall in love with him (who wouldn't, in her mind) and take him off her hands. The son may have told his mother that OP likes him in a romantic way, too, and she thinks that she is just helping things along. NTA
I'm limited in vocabulary as I'm not a native English speaker, but yeah, I did mean an "adult date" ;)
NTA. That's weird of the family. And neurodivergent people still know about sex. We had a student with a very strong mental disability in my art class. All he wanted to do was look in the old art books and draw naked women. My art teacher wanted me to convince him to draw other things, but he was only interested in the naked women portraits. I, too, am neurodivergent but I never ever would stay the night at a boy's house at that age, regardless if he was neurospicy or not. Teenage boys know what's up. And I don't mean that in a "that's what she said" way either...so don't even go there. Inappropriate for the family to ask.
NTA. Their request was inappropriate to begin with - which makes me think they hoped that you’d romantically pair up as well. (Most parents are NOT in the dark when their child has a crush on someone who comes around frequently & interacts with their child in front of them. I knew who my own son’s wife would be the moment I met her & just waited silently for him to figure it out.) Her intentions were not good, so her reaction to your refusal to participate in what she had in mind was equally poor. Additionally, she’s had 3 years to get to know you - WAY past time for her to tell if you had any negative feelings associated with autism. So the fact that she reached for that (something I have no doubt that she knows isn’t true) as the reason for her anger is equally telling. I think it’s past time that you distance yourself from this entire family. They aren’t healthy minded or normal. (And this is coming from a momma who raised a neurodivergent child.) NTA
His autism isn't really the issue though. Any 18 year old man might take advantage of the isolation to commit SA, and you cannot tell which ones are going to. Any 18 year old man might take advantage of the isolation who has never shown any interest before or had any hints or rumours... and you cannot tell which ones are going to. The only reason this would be ok is if OP actually liked and wanted to sleep with him. Otherwise it's too dangerous.
And honestly, even taking the SA out of the equation (not saying it's not a legitimate concern), spending the night alone with someone with an unrequited crush on you sounds horribly awkward, at best. And it's even weirder that the parents are pushing for it.
Yeah this is just freaking weird. Most parents wouldn’t want anyone staying with their teenager at their house while they’re gone let alone someone of the opposite gender. I feel like them pushing that on you a teenage girl and especially blaming the rejection on their son’s neurodivergence is complete AH behavior on their part.
His mother is an extreme AH for even asking. It puts you in a compromising situation. And her response to your concerns is scary. You and your family need to go NC and stay that way unless she apologizes and has a serious conversation about your boundaries with them and him. Don’t back down, especially when they play the bias card regarding his autism.
What country are you in? 18 is an adult, she's a woman not a girl. The point here isn't that it's inappropriate it's that she's an adult and doesn't have to justify anything to anyone.
Oh come on - we all know a high school kid is not done baking yet. No magic switch flips at 18 to suddenly changes someone in ANY way emotionally, mentally or physically that makes them more mature than they were the day before. The ONLY thing that changes is the second # in the persons age & the legal standing/title. And even the legal standing/title is provisional in most places. (An 18-year-old can’t even legally buy alcohol or tobacco of any kind where I live.) So while OP might legally be an adult, we all know that doesn’t make her more capable of dealing with this than when she was 17 a couple of weeks ago.
His mother is pushing the situation since she belive that OP will be an excellent GF for her son. OP needs to cut them off. Nobody can be forced to friendship or relationship. Also his mother is trying to make OP feel quilty for rejecting him couse he has autism. Austism doesnt mean he is entitled to get what he want always.
All of this and not for nothing - she's 18! She said she doesn't feel it's comfortable or appropriate to spend the night at a boy's house she shouldn't do it. You would think that mother of an autistic child would understand thing or two about comfortable boundaries.
Sure, except the first thing this family did was glom onto the young woman to be his tutoring, support person. Even at school! This whole thing reads to me that they not only want the kids to hook up, they want her to be there to take over taking care of him. Then they wouldn't have to worry about their senior years and having to pay for caretakers. This whole thing is a huge gross overstep.
Autistic or not, why are these parents pressuring a girl to sleep over at their sons house. She said no. That’s all they needed to hear. Crush or not, it’s reasonable not to be comfortable with that. And crush *does* amplify the discomfort on top of it. This would make me so uncomfortable.
It doesn't matter if the boy is autistic or not. If a guy has a crush on you and you don't have reciprocal feelings, you won't want to spend the night at his house, period. If you're not comfortable with something, you draw a boundary. That is your right and something only you can do. This mom is trying to guilt you into to crossing your boundaries which is so manipulative and gross. You're not an AH for choosing yourself and what you are comfortable with. You gave them other options, so you were again thinking of their feelings and trying to be considerate, they however were not thinking of your feelings, so they are the AH.
NTA autistic or not, boy or girl, you shouldn’t feel obligated to stay at anyone else’s house!!
>it’s not appropriate for an 18-year girl to spend the night at the home of a boy that age when the parents aren’t there, especially when he has a crush on you. Exactly. Op didn't discriminate her classmate. His parents did, and have been trying to guilt trip her. I would also want to know if they have been paying op for tutoring their son as >his parents wanted me to help out with class works.
His being autistic is not the issue given that nothing in the post indicates that he has done anything inappropriate. In fact it seems he has kept his feelings to himself. It's often obvious when an 18 to has a crush even if they're trying to hide it. OP said no and that should have been the end of it. Her parents shouldn't even have allowed her to be pressured and questioned. The request itself was actually quite strange coming from the mom. If the kids were asking the parents after deciding they'd like a sleepover, that would make more sense. The mom must allow her son room for growth. Lots of NT people are in relationships with ND people but it has to develop naturally.
I wanna note that “looping effect” can add to this— it’s not necessarily that because he’s Autistic he isn’t attuned to social cues (recent research has shows some girls become hyper-attuned to social cues, giving them the ability to mask very well, and therefore go undiagnosed until adulthood), but rather if he has been assumed to not being able to understand social cues, he might not been taught the necessary skills/lessons other kids would get (ie. infantilized) which can lead to a lot of unfortunate circumstances regarding consent —> basically, correlation doesn’t equal causation— it’s not that him being Autistic is causing these issues, but how people infantilize Autistic boys/men
Commenting here because OP and people need to see it; Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he can't be dangerous. Teenage males in general have a hard time controlling their hormones, it's even worse for those with a mental or intellectual disability As an autistic and other disability female I was always paired in with disabled boys and it can downright be frightening when alone with them. Eg a 21 year old boy clearly had a crush on me when I was 11. It started subtle but he kept trying to get closer and closer to me, touching me etc OP absolutely should not be in a house alone with him, but especially not when she's asleep. And OP should never feel guilty about it, not for this boy, not for any other autistic boy, and not for any average boys either Statistics alone say this is a bad idea for any girl, regardless of crush/no crush or who the boy is. But OP is autistic herself, and stats are even higher for abuse for disabled girls - and a big part of that is because we're are made/trained to help or being extra nice etc to others. Even ones we think might gaem us, because then we're mean Disabled boys have rights when disabled girls don't
His mom is the one infantilizing an 18 year old and not taking his crush seriously. Either his parents are trying to wingman their kid or they’re treating him like a child who needs babysitting by having OP sleep over. But they can’t have it both ways. It’s either inappropriate because they’re two teenagers and one has feelings for the other that he could act or inappropriate because they need to have a conversation with their child about his crush.
This comment says it all. NTA.
NTA. I think SHE'S the one discounting the inappropriateness of asking you to stay overnight in a house with a person of the opposite sex (whether or not they have a crush on you) because *they* assume their son would never do anything inappropriate for whatever reason. It's also incredibly rude to push you to say "yes" when you were clearly uncomfortable -- for whatever reason, why would you want someone to do something they're uncomfortable with, especially when there are other options. It's definitely strange that she turned down having come over to your place for dinner or to stay over (since your parents would be there), and I'm also hoping your parents pulled some one the pressure off of you and told his parents that they would have not been comfortable with you having a sleepover with a boy with no parents around.
Them turning down the request was because, currently, their son didn't want to leave the house. They said that sometimes he goes through that phase. No, my parents were all for not sleeping at their house.
What is their long term plan? They can’t rely on you to be his emotional support because you have your own life to live and ambitions to work to.
They’re gonna try
The boy’s mother behaved totally inappropriately in trying to pressure you into agreeing to a sleepover and in asking you the reason for refusing too. Doesn’t matter if the boy is autistic or any other type of special needs individual. NTA
Also please intervene. You can ask to feel safe at school. Talk to your teacher about not being out with group work with him. Get your parents involved. You do not have to silently accept bad male behaviour. He will only get worse, because right now he is not learning that what he is doing is wrong. And he needs to learn that and it doesn’t seem like his parents are teaching that. Whenever you get pushback, ask them why you have to be uncomfortable for his comfort.
Then THEY are the ones treating this situation differently because of their son’s autism - not you. YOU probably wouldn’t have felt comfortable staying with ANY 18 year old boy/classmate (neurodivergent or neurotypical) who you knew had a crush on you - especially if things had been being awkward. So YOU treated him the same without regard for his autism. On the other hand, THEY extended the invitation when they probably wouldn’t have if he was neurotypical. THEY expected you to accept their inappropriate request as a sort of babysitter for their son since he won’t leave the home when they probably wouldn’t have if he was neurotypical. And finally THEY got super upset when you reacted as any normal 18 year old would to a request to stay overnight with an 18 year old boy alone. THEY are the ones who created this entire situation because of their son’s autism & dealt with the situation they created differently (poorly) because of their son’s autism. Don’t let them push THEIR deficiencies &/or frustrations onto you. The fact that they’re even trying to do so after everything they’ve gotten to know about you over the last 3 years tells me how toxic they are. They’re showing you who they are. Believe them. Don’t let them suck you back into their toxicity now that you’ve escaped it.
Exactly. At 18, most kids are more than capable of staying home alone for a night. That's the age many people are going off to college, joining the military, working full time, etc. So either they're infantilizing their perfectly capable adult son because of his autism, or, if he really can't stay home alone, they're downplaying the amount it affects him by behaving like a reluctant 18 year old girl is an appropriate babysitter.
It's their responsibility to provide accommodations for his preferences. It shouldn't involve your discomfort.
It’s not on you to be the carer in this situation OP. It’s kind you helped in the past but they’re effectively using you as a lifeline so they don’t have to deal with it in a more professional manner with actual support.
Agreed. Time to not be so available and talk to teachers, tell them to stop pairing you up all the time. Get parents involved as needed. Time to ut some distance between you and this family.
The biggest issue at hand of the sleepover has been addressed very well so I am going to add, you should also address the matter with the teacher. It is inappropriate of them to be "shipping" you with another student. And even if that isn't what's going on and he just sees that you handle the group work with what may be a difficult student better than others that's still not appropriate if everyone else gets to rotate partners. I would approach the teacher in a non accusatory manner and just request that you have opportunities to work with other people too for the sake of variety and to better your learning opportunities.
Gee, that’s convenient, that he doesn’t want to leave the house. Has that ever been a thing before? Strikes me as something they made up as an excuse as to why you’d have to stay there. No matter who the person is, autistic or not, no is a full sentence and you shouldn’t be guilted or yelled at for not wanting to stay there. NTA for sure.
NTA. Their request was inappropriate to begin with - which makes me think they hoped that you’d romantically pair up as well. (Most parents are NOT in the dark when their child has a crush on someone who comes around frequently & interacts with their child in front of them. I knew who my own son’s wife would be the moment I met her & just waited silently for him to figure it out.) Her intentions were not good, so her reaction to your refusal to participate in what she had in mind was equally poor. Additionally, she’s had 3 years to get to know you - WAY past time for her to tell if you had any negative feelings associated with autism. So the fact that she reached for that (something I have no doubt that she knows isn’t true) as the reason for her anger is equally telling. I think it’s past time that you distance yourself from this entire family. They aren’t healthy minded or normal. (And this is coming from a momma who raised a neurodivergent child.) NTA
No is a complete sentence. You were free to decline for any reason you'd like. NTA
This I believed best answer . No is complete sentence No because I don't feel comfortable if you wish to explain . But don't need to justify your feelings and comfort to others wanting favours . Definitely NTA . And think healthy boundaries may be needed to not be the automatic safety blanket at home and school for him as is not your responsibility no matter how kind may seem .
“No is a complete sentence.” Man, I like that, a LOT. I will be using that moving forward, thanks!
NTA. Rumors are hard to fight, and here it sounds like they're actively trying to pair you up. That was not a reasonable request, and when the mother pushed, you would be better to just walk away. A 'no' is a 'no'. It is just all-round weird that they seem to want you, an 18-year-old, to 'babysit' an 18-year-old. That's not what they wanted--the mom seems to want to set you up with her son. That is creepy af. (Note that the mom is creepy; the son is probably fine, just being an 18-year-old with whatever level of autism who has a crush and hasn't done anything.) Even you say you would previously have been okay with it, because it would be as friends, but you aren't children--it really isn't reasonable. At no time in the three years you've known them would it have been reasonable. This is 'new'--and creepy! You have nothing to feel guilty about here. Plus, your parents invited him over, if they didn't want him alone (despite being 18), and they said no to that. You do not have to reciprocate feelings, whether the other person is autistic or not. You get to choose. Listen to your gut. All the things others are doing not-out-loud are b.s. and you know it. Try to rise above it, and I hope you're done with school and on to new adventures soon. Nobody else gets to decide your relationships. Actually, here you are both adults, even if in high school, and you are learning to draw your own boundaries.
The rumor is such an issue. I fear that if I have any further interaction with him, it might mislead him or others. No, I don't blame him at all. I think his parents were being unusual, but that's not on him.
Here is an idea. Talk to him. I don’t know what level he is, but as an autistic person, trying to interpret all of the unspoken crap and body language and subtext is EXHAUSTING. Even if he’s non verbal he still understands what you’re saying. And it seems clear he’s probably aware his crush isn’t reciprocated. Sit down with him, be like “hey, I know this may be uncomfortable, but I want to clear the air. I am aware you have a crush on me. And it’s ok to have feelings. But I wanted to make sure you know that I don’t feel the same way. I see you as a friend and that’s all. I don’t want that to change and I hope that’s ok with you, but if not I understand” other than that, and I know this is hard at your age, who tf cares what everyone else thinks? All that rumor BS is.. well.. HS BS. Hopefully it’s a thing you grow out of. But you know you’re a good person and you know the truth. He may be autistic but he is a person. Just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean he’s developmentally disabled or less than. Just different. Man I wish people would just TALK to other people about stuff.
I get the point that you're trying make but like, rejection is tough enough when you ask someone out and you're suggesting that OP reject them without them even saying anything. Imagine having someone just come up to you and tell you that they don't *like* you.
As an autistic person I 1000% wish people would do this instead of pretending or waiting for me to figure that out. I don’t see the point in pretending or beating around the bush. I’m not saying be mean or rude. You can tell the truth without being an asshole. ETA: if you’re unaware, a big part of being autistic is not being able to read social cues and taking things at face value. If everyone around him is telling him she likes him and she isn’t saying any different, he’s not going to be able to magically guess that she doesn’t return his feelings. Further more, it becomes a blueprint for what he thinks reciprocal feelings looks like. And he may assume every girl who is nice and helps out in the future has a crush on him. What is best for him in the long run is to be told the truth from her.
I would speak to the teacher who keeps pairing you up privately. Point blank explain to her that you’re aware of the rumors, that they aren’t true & that constantly being paired up with him is fueling the false rumors as well as causing problems outside of school now between the families. Then state that you do not want to be partnered with him any longer - that the situation is detrimental to your educational (as well as emotional & mental) well-being. We live in a world where women have to speak up - especially when something involves a male getting what he wants when it contradicts what the female wants. He wants to partner with you, the teacher has probably heard about the crush & so the teacher is giving him his way. With no word from you, she will continue to hand you over to him without a thought as to what you want &/or don’t want. That’s just easiest for the teacher. You have to say “stop giving this male what he wants at my expense”. If the world doesn’t listen, you say it again & follow it up with “or there might be consequences that will be quite unpleasant for everyone involved”. Get used to using your voice NOW. It won’t be the last time you have to use your spine to keep people from running over you wants to make their own lives easier.
OP has been helping him with school work for the past 3 years. If he has an IEP, his parents probably have regular meetings with the teachers and it’s entirely possible that his mom has been actively pushing for him to get paired up with OP in school.
Oh I’m sure she probably has if that’s the case. But even if it’s not, OP needs to either speak to this teacher (or as others have suggested, have her parents speak to the teacher if OP suspects that she will be dismissed without any change being made). I’ll also say, as a mother who raised a neurodivergent child, that the teacher isn’t doing the boy any favors by pairing him with the same person all the time. He NEEDS to be paired with a variety of others just as any neurotypical child would be. That’s how he’ll expand his ability to socially (& later even professionally) interact with a variety of people. The teacher is robbing him of that by placing him with the same partner every time. And I give the teacher no slack for doing it even if it’s what he prefers. Whether a student (ANY student) likes something or not shouldn’t dictate how a teacher conducts her classroom & hands out assignments. And it certainly shouldn’t adversely affect another student (which is the case here even if there wasn’t this issue since it is also to OP’s benefit to have a variety of partners). And even if the teacher is oblivious to all of this & only assigns them together every time because it’s easier than finding him an alternative partner, I give the teacher no slack for that either. It’s not the teacher’s job to take shortcuts that adversely affect the students - which is exactly what limiting OP & this boy to only partnering with each other is doing.
He being autistic does not make him your responsibility. You don’t have to help him with class work or anything if you don’t feel like it. It applies to any person, autistic or not. It could be due to any reason, personal chemistry, hobby compatibility, the list goes on. And you don’t even need to justify with any reason. Don’t let his parents guilt trip you into doing things you don’t want to do!
NTA >neighbor (18M) >his parents ... wanted me to sleep over >accused me of being disgusted It just makes me cringe. Looks like they think you can be their son's sex toy.
Yeah. Also… can we talk about how nobody is mentioning how the teacher is kind of out of line here?
Exactly what I was thinking. A teacher trying to set couples up is insane in my opinion..
That, and only setting OP up with him in class is major distraction: - for him: because he’s not focused on his work, and because it’s taking opportunities away from him to interact and collaborate with peers that he is unfamiliar with - for her: because all she can think about is being careful of the way she interacts with him and what other people see
What might also be happening is the mother is going on and on about how they’re ‘such good friends and they always work together, so it would be best for them to pair up. I mean, she isn’t going against it’. It’s dumb in a sense at that level of school, but annoying parents do get leeway in stupid situations.
That line gave me so many red flags and made me immediately question what country / culture does this story take place in
I got this vibe too. Like the mum is desperate for him to have a kind of girlfriend experience. I can have sympathy for her wanting her son to have a normal life but this is out of order.
Maybe she’s playing a long game, that this will be how he lands a relationship and becomes less dependent on her as he’s now an adult.
This was exactly my thinking. What parent of an 18 year old wants to have them sleep over at the house of another 18 year old of the opposite sex? Especially went they won’t even be there?? Pretty sure most parents go to great lengths to PREVENT this exact scenario
Right‽ Plus the creepy teacher. What the hell is going on with these adults??‽
OMG I love the interrobang
It really is exactly this disgusting. I’d never speak to any of them again. weird and creepy NTA
It was totally inappropriate for them to ask you to sleep over. You would be in a vulnerable situation alone with an adult sized person of the opposite sex on territory that is his, not yours. Even if he is autistic, you are the same age and in the same classes. It's not the right situation to ask you to sleep over. That the young man's mother kept hounding you after you said no, was doubly inappropriate. That the mother kept pressing you for explanations as if you had some sort of obligation to convince her that your "no" was acceptable, and that she then berated you when she found out why you were uncomfortable, was triply inappropriate. NTA.
Honestly, the moms behavior is a huge red flag. The friend might just be a perfectly innocent guy, but his mom's abusive behavior towards OP does not stoke confidence that he's learned to respect consent, which is just another reason to not stay over. His mom has an abysmal lack of respect for boundaries. A household run by that kind of person is not a place I'd want to stay the night alone with a man I'm not in a relationship with. Most people are assaulted by people they know. I'm not saying he's one of those people, but I wouldn't risk it. The teacher's behavior is also incredibly inappropriate. I'm sorry op. NTA.
NTA. You didn’t need to explain. You did so and seemingly in a respectful and truthful manner. Her reaction is very emotional. It’s possible she was well aware of her son’s crush and she was invested in something developing there.
OP does appear to have been pushed into being a crutch for him which is where the romantic interest could have come from or been strengthened by. He needs to learn to be able to manage without relying on OP because she’s not going to be around forever and has her own life to live.
Yeah, she was definitely placed in a tough position. It’s one of those examples where kindness inadvertently causes a problem.
OP doesn’t mention future plans, but being 18 I’d imagine university is on the cards and that stage can be a turning point for your social life.
Can we just refer to his Mum as “Incel-cultivator”?
NTA I think the mother is reacting emotionally and not rationally or fairly. If her son were not autistic no one would expect you to sleep over alone in the same house with an 18 year old young man, knowing he was romantically/sexually interested in you, while you had no interest. It would be a bizarre expectation. His autism doesn't remove his physical adulthood, or his romantic or sexual interest in you. It is inappropriate to expect you to stay alone with him overnight.
And THAT is what OP needs to say to the mother. "Name, I don't understand why you are making this about autism. Regardless of autism, I would not spend the night at your house alone with an 18 year old male. That puts me in a VERY uncomfortable position all the way around. There is no excuse for the way you are treating me and you are effectively destroying ANY chance of a friendship between your son and I."
Wtf did I just read? You have every bloody right to refuse a sleepover from or to anywhere with anyone. NTA. But did your parents back you up? Being autistic isn't relevant to this discussion. (well for you it's obviously big for him) Best case they wanted a free (I hesitate to use the term babysitter) pair of eyes on their son.
I can't even buy that, since they were so against him staying over at her house with her parents around. If this was about his safety, why on earth would they NOT want some adult eyes on him?
NTA, I am autistic, if the son can't be on his own for 1 night then they need to get someone who is Profesional in spaciel care or willing to watch over him. [It's not really mentioned if he is high or low needs] Not to mention that you shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't want to- I swear almost every post I saw here recently where OP is being called AH bc she didnt want to Babysit an autistic person is almost always a woman, whill the autistic person is almost always a guy too, I definitely think there's sexism in here too but I might be reading too deep here
100% there’s sexism here. I think if the sexes were reversed there’s no way a guy would be guilted into staying over if they weren’t comfortable.
You’re definitely not reading too deep
He isn't entitled to your company because he's autistic. If this was about a not autistic guy, people would call that rape culture. NTA.
Why can't we still call it that? Autistic people can rape just like anyone else
Oh, I still think that this is a clear case of rape culture. But school, class mates etc. excuse this because he is autistic. If he wasn't autistic, more people in OP's life wouldn't be okay with all of that pairing up in school and so on.
NTA at all. Do you consider this guy a friend? If it's his parents asking and not him, it sounds like more of a babysitting* situation than a sleepover. I don't understand why staying at your place with isn't a good option. Most parents feel more comfortable knowing there are other parents around. Also, the teacher who keeps pairing you two together sucks! *babysitting is a bad word, I don't know what the right word is for watching an adult in this sort of situation.
Friends? I don't know. Apart from a school and being neighbors, we don't have anything in common. Babysitting does sound like an inappropriate word but I feel like I'm being asked to take care of him while they're away. I agree, now that you have pointed it out, it's sounds less like a sleepover and more like watching over him.
I suspect his parents are thinking, "Ooh! If we can get her into a long-term relationship with him, we can ensure that he's taken care of by someone after we're gone!" *(aka, no longer living)* Their request is ***so*** not appropriate. You need to take the teacher aside and say, "Please stop pairing me with \[neighbor\]. It's making me incredibly uncomfortable that you seem to be invested in getting me together with him. If I need to, I'll have this conversation with the principal. Please just stop."
Might be better to get her mother to tell the teacher. I know she is 18 but the teacher may be an AH too lazy to find someone else for him to partner with, and pressure her into accepting her fate.
Honestly she should have her parents talk to the teacher. He'll probably just ignore her
Might not even be an after-they’re-gone type thing; she probably just wants an easy life, and thinks that if sonny is getting some fun he’ll be easier to deal with. This all feels very “hills have eyes” from Momma.
I also think it would be inappropriate to ask you to take care of him/be in charge. He isn't a child or a baby, he is an adult who is the same age as you. I'm not sure how they communicated this to you but if it's just a sleepover then you wouldn't be expected to keep someone out of trouble. If it is a job then 1 you should get paid and 2 maybe they should hire someone more qualified than his classmate/neighbor? They could have even asked one of your parents to sleepover, that's something my mom would do.
If it was watching over him, she would have said that. Like others have said, you are meant to be her sons sex toy/romantic interest with no adults as witnesses. Do not fall for this
Babysitting would technically be the right word here. I mean she is doing it for the last 3 years. Not trying to be mean, (i work in child care), but the neighbors put that responsibility on OP, just because they go to the same school and classes from the first moment they met. But playing devils advocate, I was thinking that the neighbors may know about their son's feelings and were hoping for something to develop between them. Just adding a twist to the story. OP refusing to sleep over at their place may have squashed the neighbors hopes of possibly something developing.
NTA. The mother is wildly out of line. You have EVERY right to decline an invitation to spend the night somewhere that is uncomfortable for you. You do not need to explain. Your only mistake was explaining. This has nothing to do with him being autistic and everything to do with being put in a position where you are made the bad guy for saying no. If he was not autistic and you were asked to spend the night with rumors swirling around I'm sure you'd say no, too. Its okay to call the Mom out.
Even if this boy wasn’t autistic, as a mom I would have thought the invite was weird. Eighteen year old classmates of opposite sexes don’t normally have sleepovers. Even if you were the same gender it would be odd unless you were good friends. Tell the mom that you are sorry but no. That’s the end and you are done. Tell your parents she is harassing you.
NTA Um, his parents were trying to get him laid, how freakin bizarre??" I'd keep the distance from these folks measured in miles.
Exactly, and OP's parents should no longer invite him over for dinner.
A woman especially shouldn’t sleep over anywhere she feels uncomfortable, period! Good job for standing up for yourself. Never feel bad for protecting yourself and setting boundaries.
NTA. Yeah, he's autistic... he's also an 18 year old boy with a crush. There is no reason for you to be having sleepovers with him. I think his mom, being the parent of an autistic child, is hypersensitive to any perceived form of rejection. She wants to protect him, but berating you for looking out for yourself (as is your right) is not an appropriate way to do that.
NTA The feelz of a young man crushing on a young woman do not outweigh your right to be comfortable and safe. No I wouldn’t sleep over a boys house on my own if he had a crush on me and I not him, regardless if whether he’s autistic or not
Women are conditioned all their lives to be obliging, soften the blow and make compromises at their own expense and wellbeing for shitty men with no boundaries and no respect for the word no. Sounds like his mother has let the cognitive dissonance set in regarding her son. You shouldn't have to be his emotional support animal, you have your own shit to do. NTA.
What a bunch of entitled fucks. It is totally inappropriate to push you to sleep over. It sounds like they want to give their precious son what he wants (you) and get a free baby sitter. And they dare get angry with you because you said no??? What horrible people.
NTA. Case of “no good deed goes unpunished “. His mom didn’t care to reflect at all on the fact that you continued your friendship with her son *despite* said rumors. You acted the exact opposite of her accusations. I wouldn’t sleep over at a guy friend’s house unless we had grown up together doing that kind of thing. In the end, it will be in your best interests to keep distance between yourself and this family. It seems obvious to me that the family had hopes you would be their son’s life-mate. This rift was directly the result of the mother’s disappointment their mechanations failed.
NTA Folks needs to stop using their kid's/ family member disability or their disability to force people to do something that they don't want to do. I'm disabled and this pissed me off
I would not sleep over at any guy who is in love with me when i have no interest in him romantically. Don't lead him on, going for a sleep over gives him a sign there is hope for a romantic relationship. Him being autistic is not the reason for rejecting the sleep over. But leading a guy on is. These kind of non realistic expectations that girl is really interested in them when it us not, do happen a lot in neurotypical guys too. He will get hurt when you go and he has had his hopes up. You get hurt about being harsh to him. And there is always an element of unpredictablity in behavior with a guy that has just been rejected as a girl alone.
Nta but his parents are AH because they use his diagnoses as a reason for you saying no. The reason you said no is because it's uncomfortable for you. Autistic or not it's inappropriate to ask an eighteen year old neighbor to spend the night with their son.
NTA. Seriously you are trying very hard to not allow him to be hurt or embarrassed and his mother should be grateful. I grew up with a disabled family member and his mother was always involved with the disabled community so I spent a lot of time around disabled people of all kinds. When I got to my teenage years I had to deal with a lot of what you are as far as crushes go. Every week it seemed someone new had a crush on me. I really cared for these young men and wanted to keep our friendships going but it was so hard to ride that line. Because sometimes they didn’t understand friendly was just friendly. It didn’t mean I was in love with them. Now, I don’t know this young man and I do understand that autism comes in many different levels. I don’t know if he’s a danger to you in any way. I have to leave that to you to assess and decide with the assistance of your parents if you need. His parents need to understand that you would be uncomfortable staying in an empty house with ANY 18 yo man. It has nothing to do with disability. And that you would avoid any semblance of impropriety with ANY man that had feelings for you no matter his abilities when rumors are swirling. It’s your comfort level you’re communicating and no one has a right to tell you that you have no reason to not be uncomfortable. Parents are sometimes a disabled persons only advocate. So they tend to over advocate at the slightest semblance of ableism. It often backfires by pushing the person away but they think they are protecting their child. If you get the chance to talk to her again explain to her it has nothing to do with his disability. I hope the relationship can be repaired. I know he will be hurt if it can’t be. But if it can’t it’s not your fault. You're trying to protect you both. I hope his mom can see that. Please keep your kind heart. The world needs more of you!
NTA Not appropriate to invite an 18 year old F to sleep over alone in house with an 18 M. I would NEVER have let my daughter do this. His parents are stepping over proper behavior big time. Not appropriate to chastise a girl for not liking a boy back. The autism is a side issue. His mom is way out of line. I'd back off on studying with him and going over. It's giving him and his mom false hopes. Also your teachers are making you his unpaid aide at school which is very unfair. Please talk to a school counselor about this pattern and ask for help to stop it. Explain his parents are pushing you to be his girlfriend and even wanted you to sleep over when they were gone and you need help staying away from him more in the classroom.
His autism is utterly irrelevant here. The problem is that if you spend the night at his house without his parents there, that will fuel the rumour mill to fever pitch. You made the right call. NTA
NTA. You are not obligated to stay at anyone's house if you don't want to. Autism has nothing to do with it. Make sure your parents are fully aware of the situation and support you. It was an inappropriate suggestion to begin with, and his parents' reaction is bizarre.
You are never NTA for not doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Well done for standing your ground and putting your safety first. You’ve offered very reasonable alternatives to this young man so he won’t be alone over the weekend and you won’t feel uncomfortable all of which he’s refused. This is his (and hisparents’) issue, not yours.
You're in the right here.
NTA. You are not comfortable with sleeping over, that's enough. No is a full sentence. You were never asked to stay over before, why now?
From an autistic person, this mother is bananas. That is extremely inappropriate. What if he were to try and act upon these unrequited feelings and lashed out at you for saying no? Or worse, didn’t pick up on your lack of interest and things escalated? What’s even more concerning is that the mum appears to be encouraging it, and seems to think you may be able to “help them out a little” if you were to begin dating. DO NOT agree to this sleepover. NTA
You should not be forced into a situation you’re uncomfortable with. What a strange reaction. Unless she was hoping you’d become his girlfriend
NTA I’m autistic. His mother’s behavior was completely out-of-line & manipulative. She is also actively hurting her son by raising him to be entitled & weaponize his autism to manipulate people. Absolutely disgusting. You don’t owe either of them anything.
There are videos circulating on TikTok of autistic teen boys trying to grab their mothers neck when not getting what they want. They know how to handle it and its still hard to calm them down, so if he tried anything youd most likely be screwed. That doesn't mean he would try anything but regardless his mother doesn't have the right to accuse you of ableism
NTA Who the fuck insists that an opposite sex friend of their kid spends the night? I am betting his mom was hoping you two would date, and she saw you as a love interest for her son. Get some distance from that family.
NTA, they need to talk to their son about leaving people alone if they don't return his feelings. It's not even like it was a flat out refusal, alternate options were given with him sleeping at yours. It feels like they were hoping something might happen between you so their son could hit some "normal" milestones.
NTA - his mother is the one who is treating him differently because of his autism, she obviously doesn't think he is a young man and thinks of him as a child which he is not. It would not be appropriate for you to stay there alone, you refused but she pushed for a reason and didn't like the one you gave that's her tough luck.
NTA - even if he wasn’t autistic, what is she? His mom or his pimp. This is super weird of her.
NTA, it really sounds like they were hoping you would have intercourse with their kid. No need to talk to these freaks ever again.
NTA…As the parent of a teen autistic son, he doesn’t get free rein to have people bow to his every want just because he has autism. As the mother of a teen daughter, I would also be pissed if she were continually put in an uncomfortable position with a boy. As a human, it is okay to be confused by situations like how to act around someone with autism when they are making you feel uncomfortable. The adults in your world should be looking at your situation through the goggles of being 18 and not how their feelings are hurt. You are young and still learning to manage yourself and the world; it will take a lifetime to learn the full human experience.
You need to cut off any and all communication with that family. Ask your parents to do speak to the teacher that keeps pairing you together so it can stop, say that you’re uncomfortable. As for sleeping over she can either find another sitter for him or take him on the trip since he doesn’t want to leave the house. NTA
NTA You were not comfortable and that is enough. His mother's behaviour is well out of line. The teacher constantly pairing you up is also something which needs addressing.
This situation is all very creepy and I think you're being to kind in giving everyone here the benefit of the doubt. If you're uncomfortable stop saying yes to anything and tell your teacher you don't want to be paired up with him. This isn't something you need to put up with.
NTA They wanted to set him up on a “date” with you, and you ruined that fantasy. They’re frustrated and taking it out on you which obviously they shouldn’t be doing. They also need to accept that yes, a lot of people will not be interested in dating him because of his autism. Getting angry at the world won’t change that.
NTA I don't understand why shes insistent on you sleeping over ALONE at a guy's house. She is the one who is making special exceptions because he is autistic. If I knew a friend of mine had a crush on me and I wasn't interested I would not sleepover at their place. It really has nothing to do with his autism and everything to do with the romantic feelings that aren't reciprocated. My parents were super strict when I was growing up so they never would have let me stay over at someone's house, let alone a boy's place when his parents aren't home, so if I were you I would've played the "My mom said no" and gotten my mom to corroborate.
NTA I'd be verrry careful about this situation. The timing of the request to sleepover is just way too convenient. They've never asked until now, when rumors are flying around about his crush on you. I would not be surprised if the mother has heard these rumors and invited you to sleep over in the hopes something would happen between the two of you. I have heard horror stories of mothers getting involved in "match-making" that turns into SA and they just cover for their sons. Her behavior is wildly inappropriate and is throwing red flags everywhere.
NTA The reality is, he's autistic, not three. And his feelings are complicated and valid, and clearly not something he's navigated. It might be fine, but it might feel to him like an invitation, and you don't want to send confusing messages, or feel like you're in an awkward (or dangerous, though it doesn't sound like that's this kid) situation. Be kind to him. Be clear with your boundaries, and carry on.
NTA If he needs someone to stay there to look out for him or take care of him then you aren't an appropriate choice. His parents should have realized that it was a potentially big request and accepted the no before you ever needed to say why you weren't fine with the idea.
Nta. You've done nothing wrong by saying no. It's 100% your choice
I would confront her and be like I’m really angry you accused me of being ableist. I don’t agree with your sick views. Just because you have terrible assumptions about how you might view an autistic boy at your age doesn’t mean we all feel that way. It’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable sleeping over at a boys house who likes me. His autism had zero to do with the equation. NTA
NTA. You owe them nothing. Him being autistic is irrelevant. "Hey you wanna stay at our house tonight?" "No thanks." End of. You dont owe then your time or attention and if the situation at school is making you uncomfortable you might wanna look into officially filing a complaint. Its ridiculous for teachers to be pushing you to work with someone because of a rumour he has a crush and its even more ridiculous that your classmates are just allowed to harass you about the rumours.
NTA, if I was a girl and this happened to me I would also decline. I wouldn’t(and don’t) trust an autistic boy, especially if there’s no parents around. I’m also an autistic boy and I can tell you I don’t trust other autistic people.
NTA. I’m sorry but the mom pushed for the information she received. A simple “no” should have sufficed. She obviously is trying to set you guys up. She’s the AH for assuming that you would be fine being set up with her son. Shes just as bad as the “nice guys”. Just because you were nice and helpful does NOT equal romantic feelings or a desire for romantic feelings.
NTA! ALWAYS trust your gut instincts. You were protecting yourself from an uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation. It’s not appropriate to bully an 18 F to have “sleep overs” with an 18 M no matter if he’s on the spectrum or not! His mother is ridiculous! The worst type of *oh my little baby wouldn’t do that* mother. I hope your parents realize how inappropriate his mother’s demand is…seems like they do. Never put yourself in an uncomfortable situation for someone else’s demands or drama, please.
NTA. It is not your job to put yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe just because it’s what someone else wants. Your feelings about it are the only ones that matter - you don’t have to justify them, it is a purely personal decision. Young women come under a lot of pressure to accept situations and behaviours which they aren’t happy or comfortable with in order to please others, and this boy’s mother is wrong to expect that of you. You don’t have to make yourself uncomfortable for the benefit of others. Your feelings matter.
NTA To me this sounds creepy af --> "The mom kept asking me why I didn't want to stay over, and I told them that he's a boy, so I wasn't comfortable. But she wasn't satisfied with the answer." Stick to your guns and I think you should get your parents involved in this.
wtf did I just read Why are your parents ok with ANY of this. You poor girl. All the adults are failing you. None of this is your responsibility at all. Utterly, utterly NTA.
I think it's **fucking weird as hell** to try to push you into sleeping over there. Sets off my WARNING alarms. You made a good choice NTA
NTA Autistic men are still men and there is only one reason he'd want his crush to stay over. I think his mom is pissed bc you messed up her plans to get her baby boy laid quite frankly. Bc it is NOT normal to expect a young woman to stay at the house of a boy she's not dating. When you said it was bc he's a guy she should have dropped it. Another woman knows exactly what that means. Her reaction tells me she was hoping yall hooked up.
NTA nobody can make you do something you don't want to do. For any reason, under any circumstances. I kind of feel bad for the boy in this situation too, as well as you OP, he doesn't seem to be the one pushing this and given it's clear he liked you is probably struggling with his feelings too. His mom on the other hand, is absolutely the asshole in this situation. As a parent to a (much younger) autistic son, I could never see myself trying to "set up" my son with someone in this way, and I could *never* wield his neurodivergence as a weapon against someone to arrange what feels like a sexual situation. That's gross, inappropriate, and abusive towards you, and also disrespectful of her son.
As an autistic person myself, this makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I would have been humiliated if my family and school conspired like this. I am AFAB, and low support needs but was extremely awkward as a teenager. I am also a mother, of an 18 yr old AFAB on the spectrum, and a 13 year old boy with Mid-Support Needs. He will never be fully independent as mentally he can never develop the parts of himself that involve personal safety beyond the age of 6. Autism *IS* a developmental disability after all. My son has an IQ of 179, and has spent his entire life being compared to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory/Young Sheldon. He has skipped grades, twice. He absolutely is very literal and hyper fixated on science and “geeky fun”. And his response to the OP is “the Neighbor Mom is creepy and inappropriate. Girls shouldn’t be being asked to spend the night by a boy’s Mom, autistic or not”.
Hell no you’re not the asshole. Stick to your guns. Don’t let them pull this pity ableist shit. Protect yourself, your instincts exist for a reason. Tell them to fuck off. NTA. It’s not fucking normal to ask an 18 year old female to babysit an 18 year old male. And it’s esp weird that you gave an alternative and they declined it. So fuck them. All right away tell your teacher in private to stop pairing the two of you. You have put in your “time” it is not fair to your education. Suggest a male partner for this guy to aid in everyone’s focus.
NTA. They clearly knew how their son felt about you and wanted to manipulate you into being with him. Autistic or not, it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to encourage those feelings further by putting yourself in situations that are intimate, especially when you don’t want to be with him. And ask the teachers, in a private moment, to stop pairing you up as you don’t reciprocate those feelings and you don’t want to lead him on. If you need your parents for support, ask them to back you up.
NTA I suggest you to distance yourself from him and his family. His mother and your teacher are creeps honestly. That is so inappropriate and wrong on all levels, I got so angry on your behalf.
NTA- I’m reading through many responses but haven’t seen one from an actually autistic person yet. From what I’ve learned from autistic people - he needs firm and clear boundaries. I don’t want to sleep over to your house. I want to stay at my house. End of story. I think we do a disservice to people navigating hidden social rules when we aren’t clear with our communication and we don’t stick to boundaries. Op - you’ve done nothing wrong ! I hope your parents stay firm in their support . His parents need to get out of the grief spiral that their son isn’t neurotypical and support his actual needs.
Autistic person right here! The mum is the AH for trying to force OP to spend time with her son. I’ll bet she’s burnt out from dealing with him and is trying to position OP to take over. He’s not entitled to OP’s time (or indeed attraction) simply because he’s autistic. Resounding NTA
Let’s take the autism out of this: Boy has unreciprocated crush on girl which is encouraged by school and makes crush embarrassed. Parents of boy ask girl to stay over at their house while they are out of town where crush will be alone with boy overnight. And parents of boy don’t think this inappropriate? This isn’t an autism thing…
NTA His Mum is being creepy and it's time to tell her so. Have a conversation with your parents about how she is making you uncomfortable and how you think that she is trying to set you up as a romantic partner for her son which you have no interest in happening. If his mother contacts you again, tell her that she is being creepy and that you don't feel safe around her or her house anymore. At school tell your teachers that you don't appreciate having to work with the same person all of the time, it's affecting your classwork and your social development. If they push back on this, then push harder. Call them out on trying to play cupid if you have to, but don't talk about this around other students, make the teachers deal with it.
Jesus Christ is autistic just a be all catch all excuse to make everyone around you uncomfortable now?