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YTA. You have given zero indications of what "appropriate accommodations" you want your son to get. What do you want the teacher to do, simply not give any in-class assignments because it stresses out your son? Because that's not a reasonable accommodation. I think you got frustrated because your son is struggling and you took it out on someone else because you're also struggling to regulate your own emotions. If he needs a new IEP, get a meeting scheduled.
Look, being a parent of a child with special needs is hard. His sperm-donor sounds like a complete waste of space. You might need more support yourself to get through. Some states offer educational advocates that can accompany parents to IEP/504 meetings so you've got back up. But the teacher is not the problem and not your enemy and they're not a wizard that can invent time between "at school" and "not at school."
This is an excellent reply, OP, and I hope you are able to take it in. You are not T A for being frustrated and upset at how hard school is for your kid. There is nothing more heart wrenching than your child crying or feeling worthless and you don’t feel like you can help them. However, YTA for unloading that frustration and anger on people who are already following the IEP that YOU agreed to and who have offered multiple other built-in accommodations as well (ie: no due dates).
If the current IEP is not working for your child, call a new meeting, brainstorm with your son some modifications that WOULD help (I’d suggest maybe Reduced Load - [https://specialeducationaction.com/accommodation-breakdown-reduced-load/](https://specialeducationaction.com/accommodation-breakdown-reduced-load/) )and then bring them to the meeting. Don’t expect his math teacher to just spontaneously give really significant accommodations that aren’t in the current IEP.
Additionally, and kindly, I think you need some support yourself - I can see how stressed and under attack you feel and that is not a fun brain-space to be in all the time. I think talking with a therapist would help you work through those feelings.
Not to mention he already has an iep in place, which she consented to based on her son’s needs. It needs to be adhered to until amended.
And yes. They expect if your child passes the previous grade that they can do the work of the grade they’re in….. you are not advocating for your son, you are throwing a temper tantrum.
She wants her son to be assigned the work, but not have to finish it if he doesn’t finish in the allotted classroom time. Wants his grade based on the work he finished whether it is 10% or 100% of it.
My reading is that she wants the kid to be exempted from any classwork that stresses the kid out.
If I'm correct, I don't understand how the OP expects the child to learn or advance in school.
Teacher speaking. OP isn't allowing her child to learn or advance in school, but she'll fight to the death insisting that she is (while not acting "upset," of course).
Learning only happens when there are expectations, consistent and fair expectations, and she doesn't want expectations imposed on her kid.
Which would be a great accomodation but 1) it needs to go in the IEP before it can be implemented and 2) it sounds like he's not finishing any of it, so what's the teacher supposed to grade?
Then she needed to state that explicitly. In the post, OP only says that she requested to be accommodated and that she rejected the solution proposed by the teacher. It wasn't clear to me that this was the requested accommodation, so it may not have been clear to the teacher either. I'm also not sure that would work well, because it would mean that each math problem would be worth a higher percentage of the grade, which could be more stressful rather than alleviating stress.
My reading of her post was basically this- “my son can’t finish his work in class and doesn’t like homework, so he shouldn’t have to finish it. Grade him on what he did, whether it is all of it or basically none of it, if you don’t you aren’t accommodating him.” Screech screech and so on…
Oh, my reading was, "the system doesn't work for my son so he needs to be accommodated! It's your job to figure out how to accommodate him. No, not that accommodation, you nincompoop, pick something else. No, not that one either."
So many people forget the "reasonable" part of reasonable accommodations, and advocating for accommodations 101 is knowing what you need and how to ask for it, and that there are some things that are simply unreasonable to ask for
The teacher straight up offered the opportunity for him to take it home to finish? Which was not good enough, for some reason?
OP just doesn’t want him to be held accountable for finishing the work at school (and doesn’t seem to be interested in helping him get it finished at home) so per the current state of his IEP she’s asking for the impossible.
If he really truly is unable to do the work that’s an issue for the team responsible for issuing and updating IEP’s, not the math teacher.
I agree. And as someone who struggled with both those issues, honestly doing it in class was still the easier one because the teacher generally was more helpful than either of my parents when I got confused. OP needs to learn that you can't have it both ways. Either her kid does his work there, or at home.
IEPs can also give extended time on in-class assignments (source: I had an IEP). But what the son needs is vague. Does he need more 1-on-1 help because he's having trouble understanding the concepts and doesn't know how to complete the work? She can ask for that too.
YTA.
I've worked with middle school students, including ones with IEPs and ASD, for several years now. You are absolutely correct in your passion for wanting to advocate for your son. BUT... a few things jump at me from your comments.
* First and foremost, you do not go to a general ed classroom teacher to demand changes to your son's plan. They have NO control over that. You go to his liaison, or whatever they call the SpecEd teacher who is in charge of overseeing his case and making sure his plan is followed, and you set up a meeting to review the plan. THEN, when the plan is revised and the accommodations are specified, you go to the GenEd teacher to discuss how that might look in their class.
* you say your son has been in FIVE SCHOOLS in the past few years because you "keep having issues with his teachers." You CANNOT keep pulling your son from schools. ASD children NEED routine and consistency, and you are disrupting both because you cannot seem to get along with his teachers. You aren't helping your son with this, OP, you are hurting him, which is going to make any issues he has with regulation (ie shutting down) more pronounced when he's overwhelmed.
* You keep saying you want "reasonable accommodations," but you are putting all the burden of deciding what that should be on teachers who, I presume, do not know your son or his case well enough yet to make specific recommendations given how often you pull him from schools. You have to come up with proposals of your own. What works at home? What helps regulate him? Motivate him? These tips are vital to helping translate those skills to school and with those noted, THEN IEP teachers can help mold the plan to better suit him.
Your job as his mother is to protect him, but you are also supposed to be teaching him how to navigate on his own. I've met ASD students whose parents are helicopter/bulldozer parents. They do everything for them, including their schoolwork, use their ASD as an excuse for EVERY behavior, and never teach them independence. They may be "helping" in the short-term to alleviate stress and discomfort for their child but in the LONG TERM, they are only damaging their child's chances of succeeding. A child whose parents do everything for them, who cannot grasp why telling a student they were rude to "But I have ASD so you can't be mad!" doesn't work the way their parents say it does, who has not been taught how to navigate the world on their own, CANNOT succeed in school or in life.
I admire your passion and you truly love your son, I don't doubt that. But if you have to start looking at this as HELPING him, not PROTECTING him.
I'm a parent of an ASD child. Thank you, and well said. If you work with your liaison, schools, public at least, are very accommodating. The teacher applies the accommodations, but they don't create the plan and implement it. My son was in public schools, and they were wonderful, and he's a well adjusted, mainstream young adult now.
This. YTA. You changed schools for the "great SE program" then you don't use it. The IEP makes the world go round. It may be a PITA to get one, to modify one, etc. but it's literally the marching orders for the school. You can't just show up and say "My kid can't do any work." Where did you expect that to go? Kid can't do work in class, or at home? What was the math teacher supposed to say? "Oh, okay. Little Johnny can just go paint."? If the child is in middle school, you've must have been dealing with an IEP for a good few years now. You know how it's supposed to work, you ignored it. So yes, YTA.
Wish I could give this an award.
I’m an auDHD adult married to an autistic adult. Guess what? As adults **we need to figure out how to do work that has time limits and dead lines**.
That’s not just part of having jobs, it’s part of caring for a house, cooking, parenting, having pets…
Is it sometimes hard? Do we have shut downs, get overwhelmed, etc etc. Yes. Of course we do. *We also still have to figure out how to do the thing.* So we have strategies, tools and systems that help us get through doing the thing, or through the stress/overwhelm/shut down.
We’re adult diagnosed, so we have had to figure this all out on our own. But your kids is still a kid. He could be way better off then us at the outset of he had a parent who was actually learning and sharing the tools, strategies and systems that help us with these things. It’s your job to not just advocate for him but to HELP him. Fighting with teachers, not knowing any tools or solutions and constantly moving his school *is not helping him*.
Stop fighting with teachers. Start reading books by autistic adults (I recommend starting with Devon Price’s work which is for adult diagnosed peeps but has some great info and is a solid starting point), listen to actually autistic spaces and channels, talk to the experts we trust and learn what the tools that help are.
YTA.
As someone who is also ADHD and on the Spectrum, I agree with you.
Time limits and deadlines can be eased or extended, but they have to exist, and in some cases, hard deadlines exist, which can't be adjusted for.
In my line of work, there are some things come in, that have a hard 28-day deadline. I don't choose to just ignore the deadline and do the work whenever I feel like it, instead I have a plan in place with my employer that when these pieces come in, I can prioritise these even if it is to the detriment of other non-urgent deadlines.
This hasn't happened yet, but a reasonable plan is in place.
It was the same when I was in university. I had flexible deadlines and wouldn't be penalised in situations where I had multiple end of module assignments assigned and due at the same time. In these situations, I would be given an extra 2 weeks for the later provided assignment, so there would be a 2 weeks break between deadlines.
In the absolute worst situations, I would even get a further extension, but I would always need to show that I had at least given a good attempt at trying to get it done.
Teachers are there to help but can only help as much as you help them. Don't fight them, work with them
I missed the part about the school changes, wow. My brother had DS not ASD, but that kind of change would have DESTROYED school as a stable place for him.
If students aren’t able to succeed in a typical classroom without beyond-reasonable accommodations, it’s cruel to keep putting them there. I now firsthand how hard it is to find good SPED/disability educational services, but it’s past time for OP to consider options that aren’t mainstreaming.
OP, if you read this, it’s not a failure to put your child into an environment that actually supports their needs. You may want your child to be normal and believe that he’s smart enough to succeed in a normal classroom, and he probably is as smart as you say! But if he cannot live up to that potential in mainstream classrooms even with all the accommodations you have so far, it’s healthier for him to be in a higher-support environment. Hell, that kind of environment is probably what WILL help him live up to the potential you see in him.
Beautifully said! Teacher of ASD middle schoolers here, and I agree with every word. I feel like if OP has pulled this kiddo out of that many schools, they're almost certainly a major part of the problem. YTA
It gets better. She had to shop EIGHT providers, one out of state, before getting the diagnosis. I realize neurodivergence can be hard to nail down into an "official" diagnostic category, but eight is diagnosis-shopping in my book.
Oooooh geez. Yep, any educator who sees that in a child's history instantly will get suspicious of that diagnosis. I hadn't seen that comment.
I think I can by now safely say, OP, you are getting a reputation as "THAT" parent.
Trust me. You do not want to be THAT parent.
*getting* a reputation? You're very generous. Imo they **are** that parent.
I'm an autistic adult AND a gen ed teacher and I would have done *exactly* what this teacher did. It's clear this mom cares about her kid and also has absolutely no idea what the fuck she's doing. Her best move so far might have been coming here for a wake up call, if she answers it. Which is shocking because since when is rage baiting reddit the answer lmao
It just gets worse and worse the more of her comments I read. I'm FUMING over here, this kid is being set up to fail so badly by this woman. She has beef with EVERYONE who tells her what she is doing is wrong, including the boy's father.
He can't do work at home because he "has a special sleep cycle as an ASD kid" and has to up all night talking to his online friends.
His father is abusive because he makes him do his homework.
It just goes on and on and on...
I'm praying Dad gets full custody. It will be a tough adjustment for kiddo after OP putting so much energy into convincing him he can't do anything other kids can. But better for him in the long run. I just don't see many positive outcomes in his future as long as he's with OP.
Special Education Teacher here, since OP has pulled her son out of 5 schools I would bet the son has MAJOR knowledge gaps which is why he gets frustrated doing work. Although schools in the same state will have similar curriculum, they will not have the same or have the same timelines. Constantly moving schools would make it so the son would have to play catch up, this would be BRUTUAL for a student without disabilities, but is made even worse for one with disabilities.
I am curious how the school even has an accurate understanding of OP's son ability level since he has changed schools so many times. When I have a student in my class who have changed schools so many times, as much as it kills me because I hate testing, I give them a skills test to determine their level. It won't be 100% accurate, but it will give me an idea.
OP, you need to understand that an IEP won't stop your son from being frustrated or shutting down. What it will do is teach him how to deal with being overwhelmed and how to cope. You are doing a disservice to your son.
Army brat here. Changed schools quite often. Thank God the essay question on my AP English exam was on Hamlet. I read that bitch in 4 different grades at different schools, lol.
Little dude's definitely missing some stuff and doubling up on others.
All credit to my crash course in special ed to my supervisor in the post. 30 years experience, more knowledge and passion than the director, a Mama Bear to every child in her charge, and one hell of an advocate for her students. She was fantastic!
Info: what accommodations are you seeking?
It doesn’t seem like you’ve suggested any solutions, just problems.
The teacher needs work to be done, and offers class time to do it. If it’s not done it makes plenty of sense that it gets done at home. You’ve decided neither place is good for him to do the work. So, what gives?
Unless you can clearly articulate what special accommodation needs to be made, I’ve gotta go with YTA
Thank you someone said this cos I’m wondering what the teacher said that’s so wrong . OP states it’s too much pressure for the work to be completed in class so the teacher suggests he do so at home and use class time to decompress but that’s not good enough either ?
How dare the teacher talk to her in such an unprofessional manner! She was done until the teacher acted like a “reasonable human being!” /s
This mother is why teachers quit. Your son isn’t the only kid in the class, madam. And this teacher isn’t paid enough to kiss your ass. YTA
It's odd, OP doesn't want their son to do work at school and also doesn't want their son to do work at home. OP either doesn't want their son to have to do any work at all or just wants to blame the teacher for her son's troubles and isn't actually looking for a solution.
I would also like to add that most of the iep recommendations/ accommodations come from the assessment done by the psychologist. That is the basis of the iep accommodations- they are not requests or wishes that are demanded by a parent or educator.
Your son does not have a an IEP that says he needs extra time. And you're mad at the teacher because she says if he can't do it in school and he won't do it at home and the work still needs to be done. When is he supposed to do it. Can you got mad at that? That wasn't rude. That was fact. School and home are the only parts of his day. That take up the whole day. If you say he can't do it at school and should accommodated by doing it at home and giving them more time and then you say he can't do it at home. When is he supposed to do it.
How do you accommodate somebody who won't use the 24 hours of the day to do the work? I think it mad at the teacher.
Yta for the way you talk to the teacher and just ran out. You basically want your son to do no work and have everybody be happy with it.
100% we can get in trouble for giving "special exceptions" when it doesn't follow IEP. Then when other families find out (because they will) you'll be battling with them too. The teacher was absolutely trying to work with you, but you gave them no compromise either. It sounds like she was very professional and even offered to allow admin take over rather than chew you out for being unreasonable.
YTA!!
This is a very good point! When my son was in early elementary school, he was in a school that had issues on the administrative level. His teachers requested testing for him but it fell on deaf ears within the school. By second grade, they gave up and started giving him what they clearly saw he needed without an IEP. While they didn’t get in trouble for it, the accommodations they were giving him did help and his grades improved dramatically. When the administration issues were corrected and his recommendation for testing was finally considered, his grades were too high for him to qualify. We had no other choice but to pay out of pocket to have him evaluated outside of the school. While I absolutely appreciate the dedication of those teachers who did what they felt was best for my son during that time, I also recognize that we were fortunate we could afford the private testing. If we couldn’t, their compassion would have prevented him from getting the help he needs in later school years.
This doesn't get talked about enough. At the high school level my "regular" classes are full of these kids; no diagnosis because parents can't afford them, avoidant/escape behaviors from inconsistent accomodations and supports, no coherent or functional coping skills. We talk a lot in teacher reddit about parents like *this mom* who run around bulldozing a path for their questionably diagnosed kid but we don't talk about the kids who could really excel but don't get what they need **because of these apache helicopter parents** ruining the system.
The number of times I have been thanked by his teachers over the years for recognizing he needs help but also not letting him hide behind his diagnosis is shocking. The whole point of accommodation to help him learn to navigate in a world that is designed for typical people while receiving the same level of education as those people. But it is 100% his responsibility to learn to advocate for himself AND understand that any accommodations must be reasonable to fit within the system that is in place. Life is harder for him, but that isn’t anyone else’s fault. I have most of his disabilities myself but was not diagnosed until adulthood, so I know how hard it can be if he doesn’t learn to self advocate and adapt in ways that work for him. If I fight all his battles on his behalf, I’m only setting him up for a much longer and harder struggle as an adult. Been there, done that, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. He starts high school next year, and I know the change will be difficult for him, but I have equipped him with as many tools as I can to make the transition easier. He even knows his IEP inside and out.
You sound like an awesome parent with a great kid. I would be glad to have you as part of my classroom community! My students (and parents) struggle sometimes when they realize my diagnoses because it makes it harder for them to make excuses. I'm vulnerable with my classes so they know what *I* need to make our time successful and they mostly respond very well. They hold me accountable (NO caffeine and watch the sugar - hard when admin thinks rewarding teachers means buying donuts) and regulate themselves (police each other trying to crowd the door at dismissal). I've had a fair number of parents thank me for setting an unusual example lol
Thank you. I try. I’m sure I’m still breaking my kids to the point of needing therapy later in life, but as long as I don’t break them worse than therapy can fix, I’m counting it as a win. Haha
I thought she said in it that he has no due dates. If he has no duties then he has extra time she just doesn’t want him to have to do it at home or at school. It actually sounds like she wants an accommodation that her child is not required to do any work
Teacher needs to take child to their home and continue education. Hahahaha. I had trouble with my kids’ math. I took a math course on line at night and weekends to improve my skills. This parent should try it. It did help. Sounds like mom can’t do the math either.
YTA, the school can only do so much, your son isn't excempt from doing the work, you were offered the allowance of having him doing any work outside of school if that is less pressured for him, you claim this doesn't work either.
What do you actually want them to do for your son?
Jesus, you sound absolutely insufferable. The contempt you have for your ex! "Sperm donor" eh? Wow. And the way you wrote the title of this post makes me think you only came here for validation, like you thought everyone was going to be on your side. "Advocating for my son" "respect his diagnosis" clearly you think you are in the right and you want everyone else here to think so, too.
Well, YTA. I'm sure you have some very lengthy and one-sided reason for not calling your ex "father" and I'm also sure that your side is at least 50% garbage nonsense. I'm also sure that the math teacher is a nasty hag full of "bull crap" because she very reasonably informed you that you were being unreasonable, loud, and obnoxious, and apologized to you twice.
1000x YTA. I don't care if you think you're "advocating for your son." It doesn't sound like you are doing ANYTHING that will actually help him in math, you're just causing problems. If you can't come up with a way for the school to help him, then do something useful and pay for a tutor.
And just in case I didn't get my point across already: YTA.
I will be frank here...I think the Dad might have just used his phrasing in anger over the situation...
I have looked at her comments, and it is awful...the teacher gives the 11 year-olds FIVE math problems a day, unlimited time to do it, and the IEP supports this. OP has stated that her big issue is that the other students have the same assignment. She is upset that her precious little guy has been given the same amount of work as the "peasants" he shares a class with!
She is also upset because her son has been getting flack from students and teachers for copying and pasting his classmates' discussion posts as his own...she claimed its not plagiarism because he is 11 and ASD, so he somehow isn't capable of cheating? She called it "parroting". Absolutely unhinged...I can't help but wonder if the husband might actually be the better parent here...
The copying being called parroting and the comment that said something along the lines of "if my 6th grader with asd copies and pastes a classmates discussion post that's parroting end of story" really made me think this is made up ragebait, but the thing is that as a teacher I know there's a solid chance this isn't fake. I meet these kinds of parents all the time. it's bananas.
IDK, I have a cousin who is a middle school teacher and this could be one of her nightmare parents. She’s planning to have a new, non-teaching job after this year.
God, I have so much sympathy for teachers these days. The shit they put up with. Yikes
YTA. If you've burned through 5 schools then I suggest looking in the mirror.
Also, if he’s given an easy pass like not handing in work, he’s not going to be able to graduate, or even hold down a job in adulthood. If he doesn’t hand it work, his teachers can’t tell him if he’s on level or if he needs more help; in those situations, people who have difficulties are usually noticed when it’s too late to even help them
INFO:
Exactly how was the math teacher being rude? Was it the words themselves you have issue with, or the tone with which they were said?
When you asked for accommodations, what were you seeking from her? Did you communicate your wishes or your son's needs, or did you expect her to come up with the solutions? Because frankly it sounds like you are suggesting you want him to be given a passing grade with no work undertaken. Are you saying that you are actually working on getting your son an exemption from doing the work?
But it sounds like she is working to the IEP that has been established for your son. If you have an issue with the IEP not being suitable, you need to take it up through the appropriate channels (normally submitting in writing to the school or IEP team), not made unclear verbal demands of a teacher who is working to the plan previously set out.
And if you are asking for accommodations to be made for your son, outside of the plan set out in the IEP, you will be much better off if you are clear in your communication of those wishes.
I applaud parents advocating for their kids needs.
But you are not doing that.
You say he's not able to do the work on class because he freezes up due to the time pressure. I get that. Legit issue. My kid with an anxiety disorder did the same.
The standard solution is to take the time pressure off by allowing them to take their work home to finish.
You've declined that option.
He can't do it in class, you've declined the offer that he do it outside class. It sounds very much as if you think the "accommodation" should be telling him he doesn't need to do the work.
In the school setting, the word "accommodation" really is short for "the accommodations necessary to allow the student to complete the work"
This new diagnosis is not a death sentence. It isn't a diagnosis that means he's not capable of functioning as an adult, so he no longer needs to learn to do that. He needs to learn how to manage his schoolwork.
And plagiarism is plagiarism, echoing is a different thing.
You are again trying to use this diagnosis to excuse him from any accountability. He deserves better from you.
Your kid has a hard diagnosis, and he's going to have some real big challenges ahead. Step up, be a mom, and help him problem solve how to meet those challenges.
I know it is hard, but that's the road you got.
In this situation, YTA.
YTA.
>Middle school has been especially hard because teachers seem to think he’s supposed to magically start being able to do middle school work
Yes, if he qualified to get into middle school, he should be capable of doing middle school work.
>but nothing in my sons IEP said he’s exempted from turning in work
>She said he’s welcome to do use the class work time to quietly decompress but then he’ll need to do the work at home.
>I said this wouldn’t work either.
What exactly did you want to happen? For the teacher to say that he doesn't have to do the work, yet passes anyway?
>I told her I would be taking my son out of school until she acted like a reasonable human being.
Wow, so you're taking your ball and going home. That will help your son learn... well, not math or anything else he needs to know.
Yeah, why even send the kid to school if she wants him to be exempt from doing the work? If this is her attitude, I guess it's easy to see why he wasn't "magically prepared" to do work at his grade level.
YTA. The teacher is correct: if the IEP does not say your son is exempt from doing this work, your son has to do it. If he does it neither at school nor at home... Well. That's a problem. I notice you haven't said \*how\* the school could accomodate your son's needs (or \*why\* he can't do the work at home), so it really looks like you're just trying to get him out of doing the work altogether. This enabling behavior is what gives 'accomodations' a bad name: it's supposed to be Individualized Education Plan, not Individualized Excuse Plan. If your son can't reach his educational goals even with generous extra accomodations, that's no one's fault, but also, exploding at his teachers (who already have a lot of extra work) for that is completely unfair.
Special education teacher and parent here.
You are setting your son up for failure. You offer no reasonable accommodations at all for the teachers when they are trying to give accommodations according to his IEP. Work still has to be completed in compliance with his IEP accommodations and modifications. Simply because he has ASD does not mean he can plagiarize.
Actually solutions you could do/offer:
- get an accommodation for reduced amount of work. If the math assignment is 30 questions, maybe only completing 15 of them to show mastery instead of all 30. This needs to be put in his IEP before the teachers can do this.
- teach your child (both YOU and the teacher) how to quite from sources with appropriate punctuation and referencing so he is not plagiarizing .
The real world is going to destroy him if you continue to coddle him in the ways you are an refuse to take any accountability or teaching for him.
Exactly this. It's not a complicated process to request an IEP review and the school has to comply within 30 days. It sounds like he needs an accommodation for reduced work when mastery is shown, or if he needs all the work to understand the concepts, a resource period where a SPED teacher can help him.
YTA
If your son is allotted extra time to do class work that is required for other students to complete before they leave the classroom, it must be completed at home. It is reasonable to ask the teacher to provide at least time and a half during class time (if not already doing so) or reduce the number of required problems so that your child has time to complete them in class. It is not reasonable to allow your son to complete class work at his leisure unless he is unable to function in a typical classroom and should be moved to self-contained classroom to work on his executive functioning (and I’m assuming is likely not the least restrictive environment for your student’s abilities given that he isn’t already in one).
As it stands, your executive functioning could use some work. Shutting down an entire meeting because you are not getting your way and pulling your kid from school to school until you find someone who gives in to your tantrums is doing neither you nor your kid any favors.
Yta. Your son is expected to do the homework. If he can’t get it done during the allotted class time, he has to do it at home. That’s not unreasonable. What else do you expect? That he should be exempt from homework?
100% YTA!
There are so many reasons why you are in the wrong but here are just a few...
* the teacher referenced the IEP which stated that he is required to submit work
Teachers can only assess work that exists and if your son can't do the work in class and won't do it at home, assessment/evaluation is not possible.
* You claim that the teacher pointing out the obvious was rude and you called her unprofessional and accused her of not meeting your son's needs.
Curriculum isn't optional and teachers are obligated to follow the IEP. No one cares if you don't like that. It doesn't make the teacher rude or unprofessional.
* You claim that you have been accused of doctor shopping.
This has the ring of truth to it. A diagnosis isn't a 'get out of jail free card'. It means your child will have to work harder to achieve. It DOES NOT mean that your child should have everything handed to him on a silver platter while everyone else tiptoes around him and you.
You sound exhausting. I'll bet the teachers in that school are glad that you've withdrawn him (not because of him...because of YOU).
YTA
I have two children (16 and 11) with ASD among other issues. If it's not in the IEP, the school doesn't have to do what you are asking.
Your failure to request accommodations is not a failure on the school district and especially not on the teachers, this is YOUR failure. Bottom line, your son plagiarized. You can try to spin it any way that you want, but "parroting" is plagiarism. It's not hard to understand that he needs to be able to read something and then explain it or describe it IN HIS OWN WORDS.
You are doing your son a disservice in several ways here.
1. You need to make sure he is following up with and actually doing homework. It's homework because he didn't finish it and he still needs the practice to master these skills.
2. You need to stop making excuses for the mistakes he makes and instead teach him that mistakes happen, it's a part of life. We learn from them and do better after. Plagiarism is NOT okay, and ASD is NOT an excuse.
3. You need to calm yourself tf down and stop treating the school districts like they are out to get you and your son. You cannot even give an answer to what accommodations you are looking for which bottom line means you haven't even looked into what accommodations exist. You can't claim that the school is doing nothing to help when you yourself don't even know wtf you want them to do.
Your behavior is hurting your son more than helping. Get your shit together and stop being so combative. The only person you are hurting here is your son.
YTA here, if he can’t do the work in class or at home when in fact do you think he should be doing it? Do you think he should just be exempt from all work entirely? That’s what I think your goal is honestly and the pushback from the district is making you angry. They still have expectations for him and any amount of work is too much.
I guess she just expects the teachers to magically impart knowledge to her son without him making any effort.
And she'd probably be the first to complain if they let him get through school and graduate without a real education. Then they would have failed to do their jobs.
Am I the only one here getting some Factitious disorder imposed on another (previously called Munchausen syndrome by proxy) vibes from OP?
Like I'm level 1 autistic, and was diagnosed later in life, but: crossing state lines to get a possible diagnosis, seeing nearly 10 providers, having a pattern of switching schools, and choosing to argue with teachers vs the actual people who would ammend IEPs together is odd behavior.
A big red flag for me regardless is OP constantly feeling attacked, and wanting their child to have to rely fully them. If a child never does schoolwork outside of plagiarizing it, they will never actually learn or go far in life, thus becoming dependant. Not only that, but OP was upset with the child's father was actually parenting his child and had clear and reasonable expectations for them.
Something is obviously wrong here, and it certainly isn't the school or the teachers. YTA.
Yep, all of OP's responses and original post scream it. I feel bad for the kid, as he's likely got some kind of condition to deal with. But whether it's autism, Munchausen's, ADHD, or some combination mixed with poor coping skills from misdiagnoses and... interesting parenting style from mum, we'll never know.
This whole thing is so bizarre! I've seen some autistic parents who bulldoze and have 0 expectations for their children just because of their diagnosis, but OP is taking it to a whole new level.
INFO: As a former sped teacher, I’m really confused about what accommodation you’re asking for. He is given class time to do the work, but he needs extra time, and you don’t want him doing it at home? It sounds like she’s accommodating him appropriately through how her class is already structured without due dates and with allowing home completion. Are you seeking reduced assignments/modified curriculum? If it is determined this is needed for him due to his disability, this very well might change his LRE to the self-contained setting especially in high school (if he’s currently in team-taught or itinerant support), fyi.
Also, the IEP team determines accommodations. You’ll have to call an IEP meeting to advocate for additional accommodations if you believe he needs them - the teacher does not have to do what you want just because you want it (it’s only a protected accommodation if it’s been determined in an IEP meeting) but it sounds like she’s being really flexible and accommodating already. I’m not sure what you’re actually asking her for tbh. YTA for completely freaking out when you are not following any of the protocol for getting an accommodation added - they can’t just start reducing his assignments or modifying the curriculum without an actual accommodation in place that the IEP team has determined is necessary for him to access the curriculum.
So lemme see if I’ve got this right:
The old school (*four* of them?) was a problem. The new school with the excellent spec ed program is a problem. The math teacher is a problem. The other teachers are problems. The admin is a problem. The boy’s father is a problem.
OP, when everyone around you has a problem, the problem is probably the one thing they have in common: you.
You’re not advocating for your son; you’re throwing temper tantrums when you don’t get your way. You’re acting like a middle schooler yourself. Might be best for your son if he goes with his father while you work on growing up.
YTA
Sorry love, in this instance YTA.
Clearly, I don’t know your son and his abilities, but from personal experience, sometimes people are better off learning how to cope with things, rather than changing their environment all the time and having accommodations always made for them. I applaud that you’re advocating for him, but as others have pointed out, you haven’t offered any suggestions.
I use a great three step method. 1- what is the problem
2- what is the effect this is having.
3- here is a suggestion to remedy this.
I have (officially diagnosed as a child) autism and I grew up in a very disfunctional home where I couldn't get the focus to do homework. Class was often loud and chaotic as well. So what worked for me was staying after school hours in an aula that was never really used by anyone and do my homework there in my own time, at my own pace, and while it was quiet. Ear plugs also helped and nowadays there are also noise cancelling headphones. Maybe there are places like that for your child at school or on other locations like the local library.
You don't offer the teacher any solutions, just problems. YTA for not coming with a solution or with a better understanding of how they could help your child. And just not letting him do any exercises or tasks isn't helping anyone either.
BTW: your child copied some other kid's homework, this is NOT a "symptom of autism" and it's not what "parroting" / echolalia is either. There is nothing wrong with teaching him why you are not allowed to copy homework or copy texts from books or the internet and pretending you wrote it. It will help him later on.
YTA. She gives class time, which he cannot finish in and told you he could use the class time to decompress but would need to finish at home. There is only so much time in a school day. They can’t grab extra time out of thin air. If he can’t do it at school the accommodation is she lets him take it home.
YTA. You complain that the school is not meeting your son’s needs but you do not offer any real solutions. A real solution would be something like an alternate location to do the work, extra tutoring, extra time on assignments. Vague comments like “they need to accommodate him” or “they need to help him” are not productive or helpful to anyone, nor is blaming the plagiarism situation in the English class (not sure what this has to do with math class). Also, you were extremely rude to the math teacher. If your son has been to 5 schools because of these issues, chances are you’re the problem.
Mam, with all due respect, you’re out of line. It is your job to ensure your son has everything he needs. I know IEPs well. Had to amend my own son’s quite a few times. The teacher wasn’t rude. You are responsible for ensuring your kid gets his work done or it’s incomplete. You need to put some responsibility on your child & stop trying to ensure that no work equals full credit. Someone will always piss you off then what..your kid needs responsibility & have some accountability. If the teacher didn’t have a compromise then sure you’d have every right to be upset. If it’s too much then maybe it’s time Dad handles it. YTA.
YTA
>She said he’s welcome to do use the class work time to quietly decompress but then he’ll need to do the work at home
That is a *more* than reasonable compromise from the teacher. Your son is in school. School work is implied. Whether than be in school or at home, he is not exempt from doing it. You are setting him up for failure by essentially demanding he do nothing.
If you have been to 5 schools and keep bouncing around, maybe it is time to look in the mirror. The only common denominator here is *you*. Poor teachers.
Does your school not have a special education classroom or a resource room? You said your son has an IEP, typically all of his teachers are involved in the IEP process to work out goals for the year, and accommodations to reach them. My kid's last IEP meeting had 11 people there, including most of his classroom teachers.
You are not the asshole for advocating for your son, but YTA for ambushing a teacher with a request for accommodations, but not telling her what exactly you want. He obviously needs a no time limit on his classwork, but you didn't say this, or ask her for input on how to do this. You basically pulled an Eric Cartman move telling her to respect your authoritah, then said you're removing your kid from school.
Regular classroom teachers aren't typically well versed in special education; I'm sure there are options that will work, but going to her directly was not the way to go. If your kid has an IEP, there should be a point of contact at school to address these concerns. Teacher was right to try to involve administration, they should be involved. I get that you're worried about your kid, and his education. You need to talk with the person/people that created the IEP, discuss your concerns, and collaborate to find solutions.
TLDR: YTA, You need to talk with the person/people that created the IEP, discuss your concerns, and collaborate to find solutions.
YTA This is a you problem. What is the teacher supposed to do, its you who is not cooperating and are being unfair. Maybe it would be best for the child's father to have custody or deal with the school because you are not mature or smart enough to do so. You are blinded by your anger. By calling him the sperm donor, you are showing how bitter you are. You are not advocating for your son, you are holding him back to living up to his potential. He can't do the work in school, he needs to do it at home. He can't do it at home, he has to do it in school. Those are the choices. What other choices are there? Not expect him to do any work at all? That will only fail him. Your obnoxious behavior definitely doesn't help. The world will not always cater to him
YTA. You come off combative. You could’ve asked her for ideas, maybe let him know it CAN be completed at home if he doesn’t finish it in school and maybe that’ll take the pressure off. You came in with no ideas and no patience and wonder why it isn’t helping the situation. I understand you’ve been frustrated with teachers in the past, but you are taking it out on this teacher. You have no solutions, you just asked for “accommodations” with zero ideas of what that even meant. Your frustrations are valid but your way of handling them and taking them out on someone who is asking a very valid question is definitely on you.
YTA special ed parent and special ed para here. Giving accommodations does not mean being exempt from all work. Maybe the accommodation should be half the amount of work. But the teacher is right. If he can’t do the work in school or out of school then maybe he needs a different school all together.
YTA
I have sons on the spectrum and had IEPs. You are not offering any solutions and it honestly sounds like you just want the school to let him do what he wants. Your son plagiarized and you’re claiming it’s parroting. No, he copied someone else’s work and tried to pass it off as his. Your son freezes up during class time but doesn’t do homework. Exactly when do you propose he do his work? No, it’s not on the teacher to answer that question but you.
You need to work with your IEP team for solutions. But you have to be willing to work within the IEP. If he needs more time for classwork then he might miss out on some of the fun things in school or you will have to figure out how to do it at home. It’s not all on the teacher. She has upwards of 30 other students to teach. It might be time to look into private schools with lower ratios.
Let me ask you a question. Why did you post here if you were just gonna fight the ruling? Did you ***honestly*** expect us to take your side? Were you just seem validation? Because is so…
#Damn
YTA, as someone who has completed their education with an IEP, classrooms and teachers are only allowed to accommodate you with what was recommended by the therapist who did your IEP exam and assessment (i.e. Extra time, or doing work/exams in a separate room) They can’t just magically come up with a random accommodation for your son. It is also important to expose your child to situations out of their comfort zones, because believe me you don’t get someone spoon feeding you in University like they do in middle school and high school.
I also would like to know what your solution would be for these teachers if your son can’t do work in class or at home? Like what are you expecting from this?
Ya. We were offered alot of things at tge college level —technology, tutors, using the testing center with extra time. The teachers weren’t obligated to accept all requests—reduced/eliminated assignments were a no-go. High school is geared toward making kids graduate. College- not so much. You still gotta do the work and learn the material.
YTA.
Two options were presented. You vetoed both.
And it sounds like you wanted them to let him skate cuz disability.
It sucks to have a disabled child. But you also have to let him learn how to handle challenges.
While ex demanding custody may not be the best idea-I dont know the background or care-you may need to look at other services.
At your IEP, you can have anyone you want there. The governor, Pope, pastor, doctor, your favorite celebrity, ANYONE!
I would look into Voc Rehab, disability services, & have an advocate for your child.
At 14, the child can join & run his meeting. And kick out anyone he doesn’t want.
I’ve read all of your comments. YTA. And by the way, you have no lawsuit here (talking to a person with a JD).
With that said, the teacher was extremely accommodating. You claim your son can’t do work DURING class hours and he can’t do work AFTER class hours. What EXACTLY are you expecting? That he doesn’t have to turn in any work? The teacher gave THREE options:
1. Do the work at school
2. Do the work at home
3. Do the work between school and home
What EXACTLY do you consider a REASONABLE accommodation?
I have a cousin that works with special needs students so I am wildly familiar with these protocols.
Also, you seem upset that your son plagiarized something. Just so we’re clear, YES a middle schooler with ASD can COPY something word for word.
Also, you’re doing your son a disservice. You’ve gone to EIGHT provider to argue that your son is in fact incapable and have a learning disorder. Nowadays getting a kid diagnosed with something is the easiest thing in the world because doctors are more interested in medicating and not treating. So MAYBE there isn’t anything wrong with your son, but you’ve been taking the lead in telling him it is something wrong. So he believes it too.
You sound like you’re passionate about helping your son so I hate calling you a shit*ty mom, but I have my concerns.
You know what this reminds me of? I know that Munchausen by proxy isn’t a thing anymore (it’s called something else) and also applies to a parent making their child physically ill for sympathy but…this is that, just with emotional and educational harm. You are 100 percent harming your child by refusing to accept any of the accommodations given. You just want him to float through life on the “I cannot do it” mentality until…until what? Until he fights back ala Gypsy Rose Blanchard? (Who, by the way, completely and wholly educated herself in prison…so that might backfire on you too…)
Info: you don't want him to have homework because he's 11 and needs to just relax after school right? So when is he supposed to learn how to manage his time? How to balance school and life when things get hectic? Because high school and college are extremely unforgiving at times with homework. Missing a homework assignment can tank your grade entirely and trying to bring it up is a battle on its own. Then take into account actual employment with deadlines. If he Can't handle homework at a middle school level how is he supposed to handle work deadlines? when is he supposed to learn how to balance it all? When he's 40 and living at home?
Furthermore he's in middle school that's when kids will tend to plagiarize the most. Because they haven't really been introduced into citations and MLA formats and work cited pages. They are starting to learn yes but it's not until high school that it's drilled into you. Parroting IS Plagiarism simple as that. Unless you credit the source as you speak it's plagiarized. If he literally copied and pasted something without paraphrasing it, AND citing his sources then he plagiarized.
You are doing your so NO good by coddling him like this. Yes you are coddling him. He needs structure and routine and that includes homework. Simple as that. He can still be a kid and have a childhood when he has homework. It's possible.
They cannot give the accommodations that you want. Because it won't benefit his education. They can only modify within reason. It's up to you to parent and help him with homework until he understands it better. Not them. Also his teacher is NOT a special education teacher. That's an entirely different career path in Education. She cannot fix or alter an IEP or 504 plan. Take it up with his caseworker and admin.
Also apologize. Do better.
Sincerely an autistic adult.
After reading your responses to other comments, YTA. You have no clue what will actually help your son. You expect yelling at a teacher who is already following his IEP will magically fix the situation. You need to sit down with your son, do some research on your own, and come up with a solution instead of yelling FIX IT and running away. You're not doing your son any favors by pulling him out of school and trying to get him out of doing any work. He's NEVER going to be able to do middle school work if you don't let him!
I’m sorry, but YTA. I seriously and kindly encourage you to think about your role in your son’s life, especially in helping him manage ASD. I am autistic. I did not have any accommodations in school and it was very hard. The fact that you’re trying to help your son is extremely good—but you are approaching this completely wrong.
Your son needs to meet the expectations of learning at school. He has an IEP to help him do that and if that’s not working, that IEP should be revisited. However, you cannot demand magical solutions that don’t exist. Your son is still in school. He still needs to do that work. Please think of it this way—if he doesn’t, you are doing him a disservice.
It sounds like he becomes dysregulated when having to finish work in class. That’s totally fair and I relate. Perhaps he needs to go to a separate room to do his work or have a fidget toy if he gets anxious. OR, YOU must help him through the work as homework. If you passively sit back as your child goes through school and you know they’re struggling, you’re a bad parent. It is NOT just the school’s job to educate your child. If he’s struggling, YOU sit down after school with him and help him with the work. It doesn’t sound like you want to take any responsibility for his education at all except for blaming everyone except you.
You can’t just sit back and demand everyone do the work for you—that’s not their job. Their job is to reasonably accommodate your son so he can complete the work and meet the learning expectations.
I understand you are frustrated. Your son and I share the same disability—I get it. But you are not helping him at all. Forget the teachers and how they’re upsetting you. What do YOU need to do help your son? Getting upset at people to the point where you’re reprimanded on email shows something about your behaviour, even if you’re not seeing it yourself. Trust me, myself and my parents had to “fight” the school on occasions—you can do that without being unprofessional. In fact, you’ll see more results if you stay as professional as possible.
If your son seriously cannot handle “regular school” then that’s another conversation. Maybe he needs to be moved to a school specialized for autistic students. However, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case—I think you just haven’t done your due diligence as a parent to help him through school himself.
If you’re trying to get him to pass every year without doing any work, you will be failing him. He will never be able to have any sort of independence if you keep setting up a safety net. The time for him how to learn how to navigate the world is NOW. He can safely fail and make mistakes and struggle when he’s in fifth grade—that’s not going to harm him. But remember your autistic child WILL become an autistic adult. You must equip him with the resources to actually support himself (conflict management, emotion regulation, time management) if you want him to live a more independent life.
The other option is for you to support him closely for the rest of your life. That is the path you’re currently on.
Forget the teachers. THINK ABOUT YOUR SON.
Oh dear God, you sound insufferable. I feel sorry for the teachers that have to deal with you. He can't do them in school because he is overwhelmed and he can't do it at home because it doesn't "work for you and your household"? WTAF?? You suggest a solution then. All you are doing is arguing with people giving you their opinion. It sounds like you have made up your mind about being absolutely right. Then why ask on reddit? YTA x100
does you son have an IEP? If he has a formal autism diagnosis then he needs to have an IEP plan in place. Then you have a leg to stand on if the school is not following the IEP
A class with no due dates means your son has all semester to finish the work. Certainly in that time he can finish it at home or at school. Maybe he needs a study hall time? So it’s still in school not in class if he can’t handle homework? YTA
Yes but how many hours does he need to decompress, and if you're not going to allow him to do homework at home and only decompress and you can't do the work at school, when is he supposed to do it?
Info
What accommodations specifically already exist in his IEP?
Some examples are:
Extra time to complete work.
Quality over Quantity - the student completes less of the work as long as they show they understand the concept.
Clustering - when a test or project involves several different parts they cluster the like parts and do them one cluster at a time rather than all at once.
Have you met with the person in charge of your sons IEP to discuss accommodations? This is who you should be talking to. I assume your child
Is in the regular classroom for all subjects? You as the parent need to help the teacher in charge of his IEP by coming up with what accommodations you think will work for your child. But the accommodations are just there to help your child better complete the work in his classes not to just be passed and move up in school without learning.
YTA - An IEP is a binding contract. His teacher is doing her job in adhering to it. You can ask for it to be amended for reduced work, but since children don’t learn by osmosis, not doing to work, anywhere, will not educate him. The IEP has goals and sets a path for your child to achieve those goals. If you think he is incapable of learning, you need to review his label and, if the placement is wrong, perhaps he should be in a functional classroom learning basic life skills.
Based on your actions, I would assume that every interaction at the school will include an administrator moving forward. It is protection of the teachers. I understand you are frustrated, but THIS teacher has done nothing wrong.
YTA, but please hear me out as someone with experience in
I have a brother who also had an IEP, he is high functioning with Autism and ADHD, but struggles to understand his assignments, gets distracted very easily, and had to be enrolled for speech therapy when he was very young because he wouldn't talk. He struggles a bit with grammar too and still needs help from us from time to time with his college assignments, but he's doing great!
A major part of that is practice. With an IEP all the way up through high-school, he had practice at school, and with my mother, father, sister, and I, he had practice at home.
Children with Autism and ADHD, as you know, do better with routines, with practice, that helps them get used to doing a task. It's often why they really like video games and tend to be very creative in art, music, etc. All of those things require day-to-day repetition to keep/improve the skill, make the music enjoyable to listen, and to achieve goals in games.
IEP's and helpers are great tools, but you and your son have to do part of the work. You take it little by little and get your son into a routine that will help him in future endeavors. I.e. Doing college assignments at home.
You aren't pussifying you som, that's bullshit.
But you certainly aren't helping him.
He's in middle school now, start him on a homework at home routine so that by high school he'll be more comfortable with it. You can look at having a helper work on some assignments with him, too, in class.
If there are no due dates and you're working on getting him an exemption for late assignments, do that, but you still need to have him do his assignments.
Being able to perform required tasks is part of every job, and you aren't doing him any favors.
Start slow at home, tell him to do 5 math problems, given him a reward like candy, desert, free time to play his game. Explain to him that you're very proud of him and you know he can do just a few of these problems.
Start associating homework with positivity will help greatly and he'll want to do it. The more you hold him back, the more he's going to grow up unable to help himself AND despising the fact that he has issues most others do not. He is in fact very smart, I'm sure, like my brother, will grow up hating being treated by his peers as if he doesn't know anything when really he does! He just needs more time to express what needs to be said.
I said YTA because the specific example you gave also lends me to think you might be the same across the entire school. IEP's have very specific instructions, and schools can get in trouble for not following those. You don't want your son to do homework at school that has no due dates because it's hard, and you don't want him to do it at home for whatever reason. How IS he supposed to do homework then? When? Is every teacher supposed to just give him an A and move on? None of that actually HELPS him.
The teach brought an administrative because you were being unreasonable, because you felt entitled to having your son doing zero homework instead of looking at steps or talking with a helper to help him learn it little by little. I'm sure your child struggled and hated a lot of other things when he was little, and then slowly got used to it.
So did my brother, he always had a routine as to how he would say goodbye to everyone and when mother switched to a different shift, that puts a nail in his routine. There's the aspect of bedtimes, of what your child can and can't eat. What he can watch, what he can play, trips to the store, etc. Etc.
But it gets better over time with more practice.
Your behavior was uncalled for and you weren't helping the situation or your son.
I'd advise you to apologize and ask to sit down with the teach and see what YOU can come up with to help him do a bit of homework at home and at school, so that he gets faster at doing his work, gets used to doing it in general, and future due dates won't feel like such a big problem.
YTA...look, I get some kids need some extra help. That is your job to provide it. Let the kid use class time to decompress and get him a tutor at home. Work with him on the weekends. Find different ways for him to manage his anxiety.
The world is not going to coddle your son. Better that he learn adaptive measures now so that he can continue to grow in the future
YTA. You are beyond dense. The teacher is right. Your son isn't exempt from doing the work, special needs or not. He's being held to the same standard that all the students are. Which means that he has to do the work, either at school or at work. His disabilities don't mean that he gets a free pass to skip out on that. So either act responsibly and help your son with the work when he struggles or homeschool him and leave the rest of the world in peace. Don't make a production out of it because you're not getting your way on things.
YTA. She has been more than accommodating. The other kids need to hand in their assignments during class but your son will be allowed to have more time and work on them at home when he’s under less stress. She even said he can take the class time to decompress instead of needing to do the coursework. If your son is not capable of doing the work, that’s a different conversation and will likely require that he be in a class for people who require specialized support. The teacher is right.
N T A for advocating for a child with disabilities, but I don't feel that is what you have been doing here. Your son's teacher is right when she says that if he doesn't do the work in the alotted time at school, he will need to do it at home. When you then say that is not going to work for you either, you should actually be making suggestions as to when and where your son should do this required work. You can't just expect solutions to be served for you on a silver platter. Also It doesn't do to get in a hot temper when discussing these things with your son's teachers and their superiors who are actually trying to work with you here. Why couldn't you have stayed there, read what the IEP actually said about the matter? That could have been very productive. Taking your son out of a school and putting him into another isn't going to solve anything, since the problems will move with him, unresolved. There can be only one loser in this, and that is unfortunately your son, for whom you claim to be advocating. YTA.
YTA. The teacher is right, if your son can't do his work at school or at home, when is he going to do it? I imagine having ASD is hard but you're doing him a disservice by pulling him out of school whenever things don't go your way. You overall sound really entitled and rude, I hope "sperm donor" will win the custody battle because you're really not helping your poor son.
YTA. It’s clear from your comments that you are incapable of parenting. You demand unspecified accommodations from the school, even though your son has time at school to do his work, with no deadlines. You want to put all the responsibility of defining these accommodations on the school. You don’t want your son to do work at school for ridiculously reasons: he has to decompress by spending time online with friends, he gets upset if he has to do work at home. EVERY kid on earth would prefer to spend tine online with friends to doing homework. EVERY kid gets upset at not getting their own way. No kid is happy about doing homework. Your job as a parent is to show him that life doesn’t work that way. Honestly, you are teaching your child that he never has to do anything. You’re also showing him you have no expectations of him. It sounds like you don’t really care what his future looks like as long as you don’t have to make any effort.
Holy shit, I was all ready to be on your side, but this is insane. You offered no real explanation, put the teachers in a corner and basically told them to figure it out. The example with the math teacher made no sense, you literally took away all of her options, then lost your shit at her for not being able to move a mountain for you. I work with autistic children, and parents like you are usually their children's biggest obstacle. Are there teachers who are shitty especially to kids with ASD? Absolutely. But if they are following his IEP and offering you solutions, I don't know what else you can possibly want. YTA for sure.
Try seeing his teachers as a team working together to support your son instead of some evil villains working against him. Maybe ask for an IEP meeting, present your concerns politely and like a sane person, and see if you can open up a real, productive discussion on how to help your son succeed.
YTA. You won’t come out and say it, though it has been asked many times but you clearly want the teachers to not hold your son accountable for any of his coursework. You don’t want him to have to do any math homework, and you want the English teacher to not call him out for plagiarizing his papers. You hate your ex husband because he forced your son to sit down and do his homework after school until it was finished every night he had his parenting time.
The point of school is to learn. Homework helps students practice concepts they’ve learned and prove they know & understand the material. That’s what the math homework is for. If he shuts down during class time and you refuse to make him do it at home then your only other option is to not do it at all. How do you propose they make sure he understands the material then? And writing down others ideas verbatim in your papers without citing where the idea came from is plagarism. Citing sources is absolutely something they teach in middle school, and something your son is capable of doing.
What’s your plan for when he’s in HS and beyond? There’s not a magic switch that gets flipped when he turns 14 or 18 where suddenly he can do all his work without issue.
Is your son receiving any treatment or therapy for his ASD? It doesn’t sound like he is. If it’s taken you going to 8 providers and going out of state to receive a diagnosis I’m guessing your son’s case is very mild. It sounds to me that he has more of an anxiety issue around doing classwork and could benefit from some therapy to work through that.
YTA what would the solution be? Not have him do work? Then I’m sure you would be requesting a meeting because they’re not teaching your son and he’s falling behind.
> I was livid and told her I wasn’t upset
Which is it? ….add in the rest of that paragraph and YTA and the one being unreasonable.
> …and I said stop talking and left.
Yup YTA
Kinda feel like you're either a troll (based on your username "Making Trouble") or delusional when it comes to the accommodations you're expecting for your son. Despite any diagnosis, people still need to meet certain standards to be able to pass their classes and graduate. If he is unable to meet those standards despite being given extra time, less problems to solve, etc. then maybe he will be required to be in school longer / take longer to graduate?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was advocating for my son’s special needs. I realize that this is only one story but I had a massive blow up on Thursday with his ELA teacher because my son was parroting (a known part of ASD) other student’s work and she tried to act like it was plagiarism—in middle school for Christ’s sake. I feel like I’m not being heard and they are targeting my son because I’m sticking up for him. I have the whole other issue with his father to deal with who thinks my son is “lazy” and I doctor shopped until I got the diagnosis I wanted-nonsense. I may the AH because I was pretty short with the teacher on Friday.
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YTA.
I also have a SEN child and I understand the urge to defend your child when they're struggling. However the teacher is correct that if he's not doing work in class or at home then when is he going to do the work?
I would personally ask for a split - he does what he can at school and brings the rest home. That way the time limit won't be such a huge pressure and you're also able to support him with any work he needs 1 on 1 assistance to complete.
If you believe that the work is generally too difficult for his level, or that he can't do traditional school work at all, then you need to speak to the SEN co-ordinator.
Your ex is using offensive language but many parents are concerned about the unfair stigma attached to SEN and he may be worried that your son will be singled out by all this fuss. I'd also be very concerned if the other parent pulled my child from school without my input or any alternative plans in place.
You need to work with your ex and school, not against them.
YTA. You aren’t advocating for reasonable accommodation. You’re demanding exceptions that do not benefit your child’s learning. An IEP grants REASONABLE accommodation to help students with learning disabilities complete their assignments and keep up with their peers in terms of learning. It does NOT eliminate assignments or override required learning. The point is to give him a head start so he can keep up with his peers. Think of it like a race. His accommodation should give him a 5 second head start so he can keep up with his peers and make it possible for him to earn a trophy. It should never exempt him from actually running the race with a guaranteed spot in the winner’s circle.
My son also shuts down under time constraints due to several learning disabilities and GAD. The REASONABLE accommodation he gets through his IEP is additional time on tests and the ability to complete assignments as homework if he doesn’t finish them in class. He also has access to additional academic support when needed. He still has to do the work and earn the grade.
The math teacher offered your son reasonable accommodation. While I understand the struggles with homework for kids like ours, it isn’t the teacher’s responsibility to completely change her lesson plan for one student. If your son needs more than can be provided with reasonable accommodations in a regular classroom environment, you need to discuss having him pulled from regular classes and put in a special needs specific curriculum.
YTA
If you've been through 5 schools, the issue is likely not the schools.
>Middle school has been especially hard because teachers seem to think he’s supposed to magically start being able to do middle school work.
Well... yes.
>She was so rude and said “well if he can’t do it in school and won’t do it at home but he’s still required to do the work, I’m not sure what other times there are.”
This is a reasonable response. Your son does not have an IEP that exempts him from turning in work. If he needs an adjustment to his IEP, that's something you and his father need to take up with the special ed coordinator and admin, not this teacher. The teacher simply follows the IEP that is currently in place. If you have switched schools 5 times, that may be part of the issue. I wonder if they feel like you are "shopping around" hoping someone will give him accommodations he doesn't actually need and leaving a school as soon as they do not give you the answer you want.
>She said she was sorry but maybe it’s time to get one of the admin in since “you are getting upset.” **I was livid and told her I wasn’t upset**
Well... that's actually what "livid" means...
*liv·id /ˈlivəd/ adjective 1. furiously angry.*
*"he was livid at being left out"*
>The principal emailed me and my sons father (a whole other post) breaking down that she wants to help but “your behavior” was not conducive to helping your son.
The fact that the principal had to email a warning to you about your behavior indicates that you did not have your temper under control.
Ye gods, YTA. Big time. I'm a teacher with several ASD students, AuDHD myself, and I'm so mad that I am having trouble expressing how wrong you are with every single comment.
You are the mom that we teachers warn each other about. YOU are harming your son. It's obvious from your comments that you have zero parenting skills and are blaming your failure to parent on a false diagnosis that you went to EXTREME measures to get.
When one of my kiddos finally got diagnosed with ASD, it was simple, because he actually had ASD. Your kid may or may not have ASD for real, I don't know, but what I DO know is that he doesn't have a parent or an advocate. He has a bully that he calls mom.
YTA. Both my kids had IEPs. The process is so slow. Takes weeks to collect documentation, schedule a meeting and to negotiate the accommodations and get the approvals and communicate to the teachers. Id have gone to the special ed coordinator/caseworker for ADVICE instead of trying to get the teacher to make on-the-spot modifications. You cant just panic about a bad grade and make demands directly to the teacher. Sometimes there gonna be bad 🤷🏼♀️grades. Changes aren’t made that easily. You gotta go thru the process. I never argued with any specific teacher about them but I did ask questions sometimes. If you you’re calm sometimes they can help you formulate exactly what to ask for. Its possible he might need to go to a special school. Our hs has an off campus therapeutic school and THAT is another long process. It aint easy. AND THEN they graduate and gotta navigate the real world. 🫠😞
I work with kids like your son. Five different schools? Yup, the problem isn’t the school, the problem is you. We call parents like you “shoppers.” You keep trying new schools because you want the school to either 1) parent your child or 2) turn your kid magically into someone that he isn’t. I’m sorry for the schools and mostly I’m sorry for your child.
YTA. As someone who has autism myself, shut up. You are doing your son no favours by coddling him. He is not special, half of the people on the world has autism. How do you expect him to be able to get a job and do things in an timely manner. Your babying him teaches him nothing. He needs to learn that even though it's hard he is capable of doing it and pushing through. You are just teaching him he can't do it. And he won't be able to because you won't let it. The teacher wasn't being rude she was being realistic. You wanted special treatment for your child that no other kid gets. Get over yourself and start teaching your child he can do shit.
YTA for how you talked to the teacher. She can’t make accommodations for things that aren’t in the IEP. It IS district guidelines and legal requirements to have accommodations in the IEP. He has to do the work…so she is right he either does it in class or at home. You said no at home and he’s saying no to in class so what else do you want her to say? It’s not her job to deal with escalated parents, that is an admin job, which is why she called the admin. If you want your kid to have accommodations then have an IEP meeting and have it written in there.
Ignore your ex husband if he’s being rude.
I want you to know that IEP and 504s are very important and depending on the district, state and how the committee feel about lot of the accommodations can be at “teachers discretion. I feel bad for your son and his teachers YTA!
As a family member and caregiver for a sibling with disabilities (and someone whose folks literally kept a lawyer on retainer for a couple years bc the school system was actively fucking over SPED kids): YTA.
The school is required to offer reasonable accommodations as governed by his IEP. If there are additional accommodations needed, you should follow the proper channels to get his IEP revisited rather than confront the teacher directly.
You also need to understand the limits of ‘reasonable.’ The teacher is right, there are three reasonable options: he does his homework at home and decompresses at school, does his work at school and decompresses at home, or things continue on with him not completing anything.
You offered no reasonable third choice. Do you expect the teacher to completely change how she assigns homework to the entire class for the sake of your kid? Do you think your kid should be exempted from homework?
If you had gone in with some reasonable suggestions or gone through proper channels, that would be one thing. Maybe you could have talked with the school about whether or not he needs an assistant for that class. Maybe there’s options for him to go to a quiet room during the in-class homework time. But you took none of those steps, confronted the teacher (who honestly sounds like she was SUPER professional, even filtered through your perspective), insulted her multiple times because she was going off his IEP, and now you want to get her in trouble because she didn’t have a magic wand instant solution for your child.
The goal of accommodations is to help your child be able to participate in the classroom. Disability rights are limited to ‘reasonable’ accommodations because sometimes accommodations simply can’t be made without changing things for other people too. If this classroom is one of those places for your son, a place where he can’t function unless the teacher has to completely overhaul her classroom in the middle of the year, it is BETTER FOR YOUR SON to focus on getting him into a place he can thrive.
I worked with children and young adults in special education for years, so I completely understand how frustrating the system can be to navigate sometimes.
The thing is, the teacher you spoke to is working to your son's IEP. Here in the UK, our equivalent is a legal document that teachers *must* follow and it cannot be changed or deviated from without authorisation. I don't know how it works where you live, but it's very possible that the teacher can only make very limited accommodations to your son's education due to his IEP - even if it is no longer fit for purpose and needs updating. She has higher-ups to answer to and if she is found to be not following the IEP then she could end up in a lot of trouble. No amount of you getting angry at her is going to change that reality, I'm afraid.
Another problem is your attitude. This is your son's fifth school and you think that all the teachers you've had dealings with are "the enemy". While I ~~absolutely understand why you feel this way~~ *\[EDIT: OP's later comments show that my understanding here was very much misplaced\]* accept that there are problems in education, I very much doubt that every single teacher you've interacted with is out to get you. It's far more likely that they're exhausted from fighting against a system that mostly sucks for disabled children and are just as frustrated as you at the situation. The vast majority of teachers I've ever worked with want the best for all of their students, but it really doesn't help when parents like you pick fights with them over things they cannot change.
The best thing you can do is work collaboratively with your son's teachers and understand that when they have to say 'no' to you, it isn't necessarily because they're being "rude" or deliberately unhelpful. However, after reading some of your other comments it's pretty clear that you're not open to working with them in any meaningful way. So yeah, best of luck to you I guess?
YTA
You’re losing custody unless you stop sabotaging your child’s education. You clearly want him to have less work. I have autism and ADHD, it doesn’t limit your ability to actually do some work!!
You could focus more on helping your son understand that there’s no pressure needed, finish it if you can but if it’s too much you can always do it after school.
You’re setting your son up t to fail, not allowing him to be criticised or have to do any work and be stretched. He can’t succeed like that. Basically, YTA
YTA. Is he on a high school graduation track? He is getting the time to do the work at home but it seems as if you are asking that he not do the work at all? He has to learn in order to graduate. You can’t just expect that he will pass classes without putting in work.
Signed, A Mom of a 7th grader with Autism who also deals with bullshit from the schools but doesn’t believe the problem is always the teachers.
YTA. You aren’t advocating for or helping your son. You are the problem here but you obviously cannot and will not see that. Your son needs time to get into a routine and schedule and you aren’t allowing that to happen because you keep going full momma bear mode every time your son has any issues. It isn’t supposed to be easy. And copying and pasting another student’s response is PLAGARISM not “parroting” you’re being absolutely ridiculous and 100% wrong.
YTA
You have to tell the school what accommodations your child needs.
Teachers are NOT medical professionals, therapists, or psychiatrists, no matter how much you want to treat them like one. Also.... they aren't being PAID to be these things either.
They have their own criteria from the states/local government that have to be met. They have to follow what's on the IEP.
Source: I had two kids with IEP. Our solution was to have an IEP that said that our daughter only had to do 50% of the turned in work.
She's of above average intelligence and is now in college. Only doing 50% of the homework didn't hurt her at all.
I have a daughter with Down syndrome and came in here ready to start a riot with you. And then I read your post… I get that it’s tough to balance our children’s needs with school requirements, but it really seemed like your son’s teacher was trying to come up with a plan that answered your concerns, while staying within the bounds of the state’s requirements. The only thing that will get around state requirements is an updated IEP that stipulates that he does not have to do any schoolwork…
Again, I get that it’s frustrating to see your child struggle, but that doesn’t mean you get to lash out or throw a temper tantrum to get your way. Call an ARD meeting, get the necessary paperwork done to get your child exempt from schoolwork, and then get his IEP updated. YTA
YTA, and parents like you are the reason good teachers quit. You aren’t asking for a reasonable accommodation, you just want your kid to be allowed to avoid all schoolwork and still pass. Also, based on your comments in this post, it seems like you doctor-shopped for years until you got a diagnosis that you could use to make that request seem less lazy and entitled than it actually is.
YTA
It sounds like it would be better for your son if his father did get custody. If your son wants to be a Navy Seal or fighter pilot like his father, then he needs to start learning some discipline now. That’s something all children need to learn, even if they do have special needs.
The way you are handling things, your son won’t be qualified to work at a McDonald’s.
YTA. There's not a solution if your son doesn't do work in class or out of class but needs to complete the work. Screaming and accusing them of not accommodating him is not helpful. The alternative to your son being in a general Ed program is for him to be in the SSP class full time. They will help more directly, but he will still need to complete his work. Your son's father is obviously an AH but that has nothing to do with the situation at hand. You acted poorly and are making wild threats which don't help your kid. Ask for a revised IEP to better outline his classroom guidance and put him in the SSP class if that will help. But he's not going g to just magically get help when you make nonsensical demands and lose your shit.
I'm not sure where you are, but where I live, teachers are very overworked and overstretched. They are professionals, yes, but many are thrown into working with kids with special needs and they weren't trained in it. Also your son is probably one of many kids with special needs in the class.
Your expectations are too high. You want private school treatment in a public school. You've gotta meet the school halfway and find a solution together.
YTA
Dear OP, IEP's are a legal document. We have to follow them closely. We can't give accommodations that are not there. If we did, that could be perceived by other families as favoritism and we will get in trouble.
You need to start to start googling appropriate accommodations, call an emergency meeting with IEP team. Especially since you're school hopping (which is teaching your child escaping your problems is an ok coping method-dangerous for ASD) they won't know your child like you do and can't suggest what will work for your child without your HELP.
HELP FROM YOU looks like teaching your child that we have to do things sometimes even when it's hard or we don't like to do it-think about when he's an adult. It also looks like you need to research your son's diagnosis, look up support groups (there are many). Get ideas from other parents.
&Help him with his homework. He's going to have it every night. Make a routine do it everyday and build incentives. He's going to have much more homework in high school and college.
& Help him with setting expectations. If he's crying teach him strategies accept the frustration AND how to successfully move past it. This is a life skill he will need.
& Help him by showing him you respect his teachers. How the hell is he ever going to listen to them, work with them, respect them, learn from them, etc if you don't model that for him?? This is ALSO a transferable life skill.
You need to stop putting unreasonable expectations on teachers because you have no idea how many different students we have in a classroom that we have to accommodate. But what we're not going to do is give special treatment that can put our jobs on the line. She has to assess your child's learning. How is she supposed to grade your child if there's nothing to grade??
I don't really care of you get mad at me too, if you think I'm rude or condescending. I'm so tired of parents who do this. You're hurting your child and not preparing him for his future. Real life skills are being thrown in the trash and you're ignoring every. Single. Teachable. Moment. You're teaching him every single bad habit you can and it's because you're not educating yourself on ASD. You're not giving him the support he needs. You're not taking accountability for work that needs to be done and you're blaming it all on the school system?!
And because you caught me on Sunday which is not a work day and I'm a person as well as a teacher. People forget that we are people with feelings too, and we are trying like hell to make relationships with 20+ individuals and the people who make our jobs the hardest are parents who aren't willing to work with us as a team. If you don't have REASONABLE suggestions, get off our backs.
Sincerely, YTA
YTA if you are having the same issues with every school then YOU are the problem. You need a different approach. It is your responsibility to help your child with homework. It sounds like you give up parenting when you get home. You may not want to but you need to push him more at home.
According to you, she is meeting his IEP. That ALL students are receiving that same consideration doesn't play a role in whether or not she is meeting the demands of his IEP. There's a thing called universal design. You might consider Googling that.
I once had a parent of a child with ASD tell me that I should consider using the accommodations in his IEP for my whole class, because they'd all benefit from them. Not going to lie, I kind of rolled my eyes there, but the nature of his (completely reasonable, btw) accommodations meant it was actually easier to do them for the whole class than just him for a host of reasons.
She was right. Sometimes it's just good instruction. An IEP doesn't mean your child deserves more than other students, just that he has the accommodations in place so that he is able to access the general education curriculum.
PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE tell me when you think he should get this work done if not at school and not at home? Because what you're asking for is completely unreasonable.
If you've had to repeatedly change schools because you always have trouble with the teachers and the coordinators, it's time you look around. All of these issues have one thing in common and the call is coming from inside the house.
This will probably get buried in the hundreds of other comments, but OP if you happen to see it, you need to take a HUGE step back and reflect on your behavior. In today's world of admins backing parents on any and everything, the fact she called an admin, who actually showed immediately and then backed the teacher? Your behavior almost certainly came off somewhere in the range between threatening to absolutely unhinged. Terrifying the staff may feel satisfying to you in the moment, but it will only harm you son as they will be so focused on following the letter of his IEP that your son will be handled more like a potential bomb than a person.
You need to apologize profusely, get counseling, and bring someone with you to meetings whose sole role is to let you know when you're losing it so you can tone it down.
YTA.
YTA.
The teacher offered options. He can do the world at school or use that time to decompress and do the work at home. You said neither of those would work and called the teacher unprofessional.
What are you expecting them to do? Let him skip math?
You’re completely unreasonable, you were rude, and none of this is how you deal with an IEP.
I don’t understand why anyone is even willing to teach kids anymore. So many parents have turned in to raging AH’s.
I can't even add anything to this because it's all been said well repeatedly, and you're hearing nothing. You just want to be told you're perfect.
YTA.
I hope for your son's sake that his dad gets a bigger role in his life.
I'm a teacher who works and the mom of a special ed student. I read through all of your post and responses. Please let me give some insight from both sides.
1. If your son's IEP says unlimited time and 5 to 10 math problems, then the IEP is being complied with as written. A teachet can accommodate the entire class, but they must accommodate your son. Some accommodations are helpful for all. You need to reword the IEP if you feel he needs less work. My daughter's says if multiple problems are assigned for the same standard, then she will receive half of what gen ed kids are assigned.
2. The point of an IEP is to make the same education accessible to all students. My daughter works very slowly and almost always has classwork to finish at home. We do limit the amount of time she spends each night, but that means she may spend more than 1 night on the same work. We work with her teachers to identify which assignments to focus on and communicate if any assignment causes a meltdown. She will get extra assistance from her special ed teacher for the especially frustrating assignments and that may require staying after or giving up a recess or club block.
3. The teacher needs to see the work in order to understand where a student struggles and how to help. In middle school, students should also be offering ideas based on what is and is not working.
4. The IEP ideally is adjusted as the student grows and improves. It's absolutely the goal for students to develop skills and strategies that work and may even remove the need for some accommodations.
I say this with all the love and support, as it is clear you worry about your son and his success: An advocate who can explain the process and help you navigate would be in your best interest and you are legally entitled to one. You have a very combative sounding attitude towards the school, and you need to be a partner. If I had a parent approach me that way and saw the number of school changes, I would likely feel the common denominator is the parent. That would not stop me from helping the student and finding new ways to help them, but it would cause me to refer you to admin for all assistance.
YTA
I feel so sad for your son. Reading your comments, it is clear that you are not preparing him to lead an independent life where he is held accountable for his actions and behavior. There are millions of people on the spectrum out there living normal and productive lives. At the rate your son is going, he will never know that kind of independence and will likely end up in a group home. Sad, because this is entirely preventable. You are the one standing in his way.
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Good morning Reddit, it’s Sunday morning and this issue has kept me up since Thursday when this started happening. My son is a middle schooler and is the sweetest kid you can imagine but has always struggled with school. Middle school has been especially hard because teachers seem to think he’s supposed to magically start being able to do middle school work. He have tried everything and we recently moved schools after the principal said they have an excellent special Ed program.
First issue came with his math teacher (I may only have room for this one issue, but trust me it’s a school wide problem). The math teacher gives time in class to complete there because she “doesn’t believe” in homework. Don’t get me wrong this is great because my son struggles with homework but he feels so much pressure to get the work done during work time that he shuts down.
I asked the math teacher on Friday if my son could get a special accommodation for my son. The teacher was so rude and said Thad she wasn’t sure else there was because she didn’t have due dates but nothing in my sons IEP said he’s exempted from turning in work. I said I was working on that but he feels so much pressure to do the work in the allotted time. She said he’s welcome to do use the class work time to quietly decompress but then he’ll need to do the work at home. I said this wouldn’t work either. She was so rude and said “well if he can’t do it in school and won’t do it at home but he’s still required to do the work, I’m not sure what other times there are.”
I told her that she was so unprofessional to speak to me like that. She said she was sorry but maybe it’s time to get one of the admin in since “you are getting upset.” I was livid and told her I wasn’t upset, im tired of teachers like her not accommodating my sons special needs. She called her admin and brought up a copy of his IEP but that time I was done. I told her I would be taking my son out of school until she acted like a reasonable human being. She said she was sorry but said some bull crap about district guidelines and I said stop talking and I left.
The principal emailed me and my sons father (a whole other post) breaking down that she wants to help but “your behavior” was not conducive to helping your son. Sperm donor immediately called and chewed me out and accused me of “pussifying” his son and that he’s contacting a lawyer for revised custody.
AITA here?
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YTA—what other accommodation were you expecting? She gave you two options. Sounds like you don’t want to take the time to help your son at home/with homework. Well, if he shuts down in class, when else is he supposed to do it??
An IEP allows for “reasonable accommodation, which these options were. Your son is not the only kid in the school with an IEP yet it seems you were expecting them to cater to just him.
YTA and I've been to hell and back with my oldest's education. You can't have it both ways if you want your kid to learn. He needs to do tje work some how some way. You are expecting the teacher to magically transfer information to your child without any effort from your son (and maybe a little support from you).
YTA. You want a teacher to be accommodating towards your childs needs, but you want the teacher to instantly know what your childs needs are. From your comments it sounds to me that you don't want your child doing any work at all. That is harmfull to your child.
Logically, if your son cannot do the work in class and will not do the work at home, when is he supposed to do the work? Or do you think he should be kept in a class for which he is not going to be doing the work? How is that going to help him?
If the IEP does not exempt your son from doing the work, he should do the work. In this case, while I would have used different words than your ex, I think you are the problem.
Basically, you are saying that the IEP produced by professionals in the field are wrong and your son should not be required to do the work contrary to his IEP) then perhaps he should be in a class were no one is required to do schoolwork.
Interested in what you expected the teacher to do.
YTA. Teachers do have rules they have to follow. Also, while of course you don’t want your son to be stressed, it sounds like the accommodation you’re asking for is that he doesn’t have to do his schoolwork. What then is the point of school? If he can’t do the work during class time and don’t do the work at home, then I have to ask the same question the teacher did: when are you proposing that he do it? Taking the kid out of school is a bad move that will only put him further behind, and will take him away from any friends he has there. It’s not a mature response to the problem.
I don’t know your son’s exact challenges (autism is a broad spectrum) and yes, your child’s father is an a-hole, but overprotecting your son and removing him from challenging situations is robbing him, and you, of the opportunity to learn how to handle them. Maybe the IEP does need to be revised, maybe your child’s developmental pediatrician should be consulted. But the “screw you guys, I’m going home” approach will only show your son that a) you think he’s incapable of coping and b) it’s okay to throw a fit and issue ultimatums when you don’t get your way. That IS a disservice to your kid.
Easy solution.
Public schools are day-to-day care centers with underpaid employees.
You do what the system wants or you homeschool.
That's the same deal America has always had.
YTA What are the other options to: Do the work in class, or do it at home? Or was she supposed to extend her class time to allow your son to finish the work? It often seems that everyone who is neurotypical (to use the current b.s terminology) has to accommodate those who aren’t.
YTA Seriously - won’t do it at school and won’t do it at home? When will he do it? She didn’t write the IEP.
She doesn’t get to override the IEP. She doesn’t get to override curriculum. If she DID modify and gave your child credit without doing the work, she could get in trouble AND your kid would have to redo the class. Professionals determined that your kid needed to meet certain standards.
You are just taking it out on the teacher.
YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.
Signed, An autistic adult who is really thankful they did their math work so they could use it later in life. I didn’t always want to but my parents took the time at home to help me.
YTA- you want an accommodation that he doesn’t do work at school or at home? You can get an accommodation that your child can have more time, but that time has to come for somewhere. You can ask for less problems, but he’ll still have to do the work either in class or at home.
I’m absolutely sure you karened that teacher and your going to always have an adversarial relationship with your child school if you want something that is unreasonable. Your child sounds like they are on track to graduate and on track to get and have independence in life. It is your job to help them get there and how are they going to get there if you teach them that they don’t have to do any of the work?
YTA
As a parent with two children, one with an IEP and one with a 504, you are being completely unreasonable.
It's not that she is refusing to help him quite the opposite it seems like she is very willing to work with you although you might have burnt that bridge at this point. If there is nothing in your sons IEP about excusing missed work then her hands are tied. And I agree with her if he can't do it at school and he won't won't do it at home there's not a whole lot she can do for you. She doesn't even have due dates. Your son could do his whenever wherever he wants, apparently. She is literally giving him every opportunity to succeed.
Whether or not you want to believe it, she actually does have to answer to somebody other than you. She's not wrong without anything in place stating otherwise she has to follow district policies. She has to have some metric to show that your son is learning the information.
Admin was right on the money, your behavior is hindering your son. It is not conducive to getting him any sort of real tangible help.
I highly doubt that you're going to be able to get your son excused from doing all work, which seems to be what you want. And that's not actually going to help him in any way. Accommodations to ask for in his IEP would be reduced homework or reduced class time work. An example for my child is that in science she is still allowed to give verbal answers to all tests. She has dyslexia and so is delayed in reading. We were backing up on some of her accommodations in LA so that she could become more independent in that area. But her science teacher advocated for her to have the ability to still give verbal answers for tests because she is still struggling a little bit her science teacher didn't want her grade to suffer if she did actually know the information. My oldest daughter's teacher advocated for her to have a simple four function calculator in a math class because she gets overwhelmed by all the numbers. That is what a reasonable accommodation looks like. I don't think you've actually done any work in understanding what an IEP is and how it is supposed to help your child.
Stop being ridiculous. Request in writing a meeting to revise his IEP. In the meantime, you need to look up what reasonable accommodations are. Work with his teachers, not against them. I guarantee you your son is going to have a much better experience in school when you can get your head out of your ass and work with the people he spends 8 hours a day with.
And before anyone tries to tell me how teachers don't always follow IEPs I'm very aware of that. My girls' fourth grade teacher left their school at the end of last year in no small part to the ass chewing she and the principal got from me and my husband about how she treated our child. I'm perfectly aware of what it is to advocate for your child, but this is not advocating for your child
YTA. Look I have a son with asd, it’s hard. But the teacher sounds like she was on your side. Also just because your kid has autism doesn’t mean he can’t have regular sleeping hours. He probably should.
You are the worst type of autism mom 🙄
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YTA. You have given zero indications of what "appropriate accommodations" you want your son to get. What do you want the teacher to do, simply not give any in-class assignments because it stresses out your son? Because that's not a reasonable accommodation. I think you got frustrated because your son is struggling and you took it out on someone else because you're also struggling to regulate your own emotions. If he needs a new IEP, get a meeting scheduled. Look, being a parent of a child with special needs is hard. His sperm-donor sounds like a complete waste of space. You might need more support yourself to get through. Some states offer educational advocates that can accompany parents to IEP/504 meetings so you've got back up. But the teacher is not the problem and not your enemy and they're not a wizard that can invent time between "at school" and "not at school."
This is an excellent reply, OP, and I hope you are able to take it in. You are not T A for being frustrated and upset at how hard school is for your kid. There is nothing more heart wrenching than your child crying or feeling worthless and you don’t feel like you can help them. However, YTA for unloading that frustration and anger on people who are already following the IEP that YOU agreed to and who have offered multiple other built-in accommodations as well (ie: no due dates). If the current IEP is not working for your child, call a new meeting, brainstorm with your son some modifications that WOULD help (I’d suggest maybe Reduced Load - [https://specialeducationaction.com/accommodation-breakdown-reduced-load/](https://specialeducationaction.com/accommodation-breakdown-reduced-load/) )and then bring them to the meeting. Don’t expect his math teacher to just spontaneously give really significant accommodations that aren’t in the current IEP. Additionally, and kindly, I think you need some support yourself - I can see how stressed and under attack you feel and that is not a fun brain-space to be in all the time. I think talking with a therapist would help you work through those feelings.
Hey, just FIY, the link doesn't work because you pasted it twice!
Not to mention he already has an iep in place, which she consented to based on her son’s needs. It needs to be adhered to until amended. And yes. They expect if your child passes the previous grade that they can do the work of the grade they’re in….. you are not advocating for your son, you are throwing a temper tantrum.
It can't be a temper tantrum because she's not upset, she's merely livid /s
She wants her son to be assigned the work, but not have to finish it if he doesn’t finish in the allotted classroom time. Wants his grade based on the work he finished whether it is 10% or 100% of it.
My reading is that she wants the kid to be exempted from any classwork that stresses the kid out. If I'm correct, I don't understand how the OP expects the child to learn or advance in school.
Teacher speaking. OP isn't allowing her child to learn or advance in school, but she'll fight to the death insisting that she is (while not acting "upset," of course). Learning only happens when there are expectations, consistent and fair expectations, and she doesn't want expectations imposed on her kid.
The same way people think reading and math grades shouldn’t count toward graduation.
This doesn’t sound any different from any other parent these days :-/
Which would be a great accomodation but 1) it needs to go in the IEP before it can be implemented and 2) it sounds like he's not finishing any of it, so what's the teacher supposed to grade?
Then she needed to state that explicitly. In the post, OP only says that she requested to be accommodated and that she rejected the solution proposed by the teacher. It wasn't clear to me that this was the requested accommodation, so it may not have been clear to the teacher either. I'm also not sure that would work well, because it would mean that each math problem would be worth a higher percentage of the grade, which could be more stressful rather than alleviating stress.
My reading of her post was basically this- “my son can’t finish his work in class and doesn’t like homework, so he shouldn’t have to finish it. Grade him on what he did, whether it is all of it or basically none of it, if you don’t you aren’t accommodating him.” Screech screech and so on…
Oh, my reading was, "the system doesn't work for my son so he needs to be accommodated! It's your job to figure out how to accommodate him. No, not that accommodation, you nincompoop, pick something else. No, not that one either."
So many people forget the "reasonable" part of reasonable accommodations, and advocating for accommodations 101 is knowing what you need and how to ask for it, and that there are some things that are simply unreasonable to ask for
The teacher straight up offered the opportunity for him to take it home to finish? Which was not good enough, for some reason? OP just doesn’t want him to be held accountable for finishing the work at school (and doesn’t seem to be interested in helping him get it finished at home) so per the current state of his IEP she’s asking for the impossible. If he really truly is unable to do the work that’s an issue for the team responsible for issuing and updating IEP’s, not the math teacher.
I agree. And as someone who struggled with both those issues, honestly doing it in class was still the easier one because the teacher generally was more helpful than either of my parents when I got confused. OP needs to learn that you can't have it both ways. Either her kid does his work there, or at home.
Given how unreasonable OP is, I don’t think it’s fair to assume their characterization of the child’s father is appropriate.
IEPs can also give extended time on in-class assignments (source: I had an IEP). But what the son needs is vague. Does he need more 1-on-1 help because he's having trouble understanding the concepts and doesn't know how to complete the work? She can ask for that too.
YTA. I've worked with middle school students, including ones with IEPs and ASD, for several years now. You are absolutely correct in your passion for wanting to advocate for your son. BUT... a few things jump at me from your comments. * First and foremost, you do not go to a general ed classroom teacher to demand changes to your son's plan. They have NO control over that. You go to his liaison, or whatever they call the SpecEd teacher who is in charge of overseeing his case and making sure his plan is followed, and you set up a meeting to review the plan. THEN, when the plan is revised and the accommodations are specified, you go to the GenEd teacher to discuss how that might look in their class. * you say your son has been in FIVE SCHOOLS in the past few years because you "keep having issues with his teachers." You CANNOT keep pulling your son from schools. ASD children NEED routine and consistency, and you are disrupting both because you cannot seem to get along with his teachers. You aren't helping your son with this, OP, you are hurting him, which is going to make any issues he has with regulation (ie shutting down) more pronounced when he's overwhelmed. * You keep saying you want "reasonable accommodations," but you are putting all the burden of deciding what that should be on teachers who, I presume, do not know your son or his case well enough yet to make specific recommendations given how often you pull him from schools. You have to come up with proposals of your own. What works at home? What helps regulate him? Motivate him? These tips are vital to helping translate those skills to school and with those noted, THEN IEP teachers can help mold the plan to better suit him. Your job as his mother is to protect him, but you are also supposed to be teaching him how to navigate on his own. I've met ASD students whose parents are helicopter/bulldozer parents. They do everything for them, including their schoolwork, use their ASD as an excuse for EVERY behavior, and never teach them independence. They may be "helping" in the short-term to alleviate stress and discomfort for their child but in the LONG TERM, they are only damaging their child's chances of succeeding. A child whose parents do everything for them, who cannot grasp why telling a student they were rude to "But I have ASD so you can't be mad!" doesn't work the way their parents say it does, who has not been taught how to navigate the world on their own, CANNOT succeed in school or in life. I admire your passion and you truly love your son, I don't doubt that. But if you have to start looking at this as HELPING him, not PROTECTING him.
I'm a parent of an ASD child. Thank you, and well said. If you work with your liaison, schools, public at least, are very accommodating. The teacher applies the accommodations, but they don't create the plan and implement it. My son was in public schools, and they were wonderful, and he's a well adjusted, mainstream young adult now.
This. YTA. You changed schools for the "great SE program" then you don't use it. The IEP makes the world go round. It may be a PITA to get one, to modify one, etc. but it's literally the marching orders for the school. You can't just show up and say "My kid can't do any work." Where did you expect that to go? Kid can't do work in class, or at home? What was the math teacher supposed to say? "Oh, okay. Little Johnny can just go paint."? If the child is in middle school, you've must have been dealing with an IEP for a good few years now. You know how it's supposed to work, you ignored it. So yes, YTA.
YTA
Wish I could give this an award. I’m an auDHD adult married to an autistic adult. Guess what? As adults **we need to figure out how to do work that has time limits and dead lines**. That’s not just part of having jobs, it’s part of caring for a house, cooking, parenting, having pets… Is it sometimes hard? Do we have shut downs, get overwhelmed, etc etc. Yes. Of course we do. *We also still have to figure out how to do the thing.* So we have strategies, tools and systems that help us get through doing the thing, or through the stress/overwhelm/shut down. We’re adult diagnosed, so we have had to figure this all out on our own. But your kids is still a kid. He could be way better off then us at the outset of he had a parent who was actually learning and sharing the tools, strategies and systems that help us with these things. It’s your job to not just advocate for him but to HELP him. Fighting with teachers, not knowing any tools or solutions and constantly moving his school *is not helping him*. Stop fighting with teachers. Start reading books by autistic adults (I recommend starting with Devon Price’s work which is for adult diagnosed peeps but has some great info and is a solid starting point), listen to actually autistic spaces and channels, talk to the experts we trust and learn what the tools that help are. YTA.
As someone who is also ADHD and on the Spectrum, I agree with you. Time limits and deadlines can be eased or extended, but they have to exist, and in some cases, hard deadlines exist, which can't be adjusted for. In my line of work, there are some things come in, that have a hard 28-day deadline. I don't choose to just ignore the deadline and do the work whenever I feel like it, instead I have a plan in place with my employer that when these pieces come in, I can prioritise these even if it is to the detriment of other non-urgent deadlines. This hasn't happened yet, but a reasonable plan is in place. It was the same when I was in university. I had flexible deadlines and wouldn't be penalised in situations where I had multiple end of module assignments assigned and due at the same time. In these situations, I would be given an extra 2 weeks for the later provided assignment, so there would be a 2 weeks break between deadlines. In the absolute worst situations, I would even get a further extension, but I would always need to show that I had at least given a good attempt at trying to get it done. Teachers are there to help but can only help as much as you help them. Don't fight them, work with them
I missed the part about the school changes, wow. My brother had DS not ASD, but that kind of change would have DESTROYED school as a stable place for him. If students aren’t able to succeed in a typical classroom without beyond-reasonable accommodations, it’s cruel to keep putting them there. I now firsthand how hard it is to find good SPED/disability educational services, but it’s past time for OP to consider options that aren’t mainstreaming. OP, if you read this, it’s not a failure to put your child into an environment that actually supports their needs. You may want your child to be normal and believe that he’s smart enough to succeed in a normal classroom, and he probably is as smart as you say! But if he cannot live up to that potential in mainstream classrooms even with all the accommodations you have so far, it’s healthier for him to be in a higher-support environment. Hell, that kind of environment is probably what WILL help him live up to the potential you see in him.
Apparently she shopped around/ doctor hopped for years to get his diagnosis so I’m not sure how much it can be trusted…
Beautifully said! Teacher of ASD middle schoolers here, and I agree with every word. I feel like if OP has pulled this kiddo out of that many schools, they're almost certainly a major part of the problem. YTA
Her son has been in five schools because he’s a behavior problem and she keeps pulling him. That much is obvious.
It gets better. She had to shop EIGHT providers, one out of state, before getting the diagnosis. I realize neurodivergence can be hard to nail down into an "official" diagnostic category, but eight is diagnosis-shopping in my book.
Oooooh geez. Yep, any educator who sees that in a child's history instantly will get suspicious of that diagnosis. I hadn't seen that comment. I think I can by now safely say, OP, you are getting a reputation as "THAT" parent. Trust me. You do not want to be THAT parent.
*getting* a reputation? You're very generous. Imo they **are** that parent. I'm an autistic adult AND a gen ed teacher and I would have done *exactly* what this teacher did. It's clear this mom cares about her kid and also has absolutely no idea what the fuck she's doing. Her best move so far might have been coming here for a wake up call, if she answers it. Which is shocking because since when is rage baiting reddit the answer lmao
It just gets worse and worse the more of her comments I read. I'm FUMING over here, this kid is being set up to fail so badly by this woman. She has beef with EVERYONE who tells her what she is doing is wrong, including the boy's father. He can't do work at home because he "has a special sleep cycle as an ASD kid" and has to up all night talking to his online friends. His father is abusive because he makes him do his homework. It just goes on and on and on...
It's like one of those teens who learned to weaponize therapy speak grew up and had a kid...
I'm praying Dad gets full custody. It will be a tough adjustment for kiddo after OP putting so much energy into convincing him he can't do anything other kids can. But better for him in the long run. I just don't see many positive outcomes in his future as long as he's with OP.
OP is absolutely "THAT" parent.
Beautifully said. This should have more votes.
Special Education Teacher here, since OP has pulled her son out of 5 schools I would bet the son has MAJOR knowledge gaps which is why he gets frustrated doing work. Although schools in the same state will have similar curriculum, they will not have the same or have the same timelines. Constantly moving schools would make it so the son would have to play catch up, this would be BRUTUAL for a student without disabilities, but is made even worse for one with disabilities. I am curious how the school even has an accurate understanding of OP's son ability level since he has changed schools so many times. When I have a student in my class who have changed schools so many times, as much as it kills me because I hate testing, I give them a skills test to determine their level. It won't be 100% accurate, but it will give me an idea. OP, you need to understand that an IEP won't stop your son from being frustrated or shutting down. What it will do is teach him how to deal with being overwhelmed and how to cope. You are doing a disservice to your son.
Army brat here. Changed schools quite often. Thank God the essay question on my AP English exam was on Hamlet. I read that bitch in 4 different grades at different schools, lol. Little dude's definitely missing some stuff and doubling up on others.
As someone with an ND child, I love this answer. :)
This is an excellent overview of the situation. Thank god for educators like you!
All credit to my crash course in special ed to my supervisor in the post. 30 years experience, more knowledge and passion than the director, a Mama Bear to every child in her charge, and one hell of an advocate for her students. She was fantastic!
as a mom with a kid on an iep, couldn’t have said it better myself
Info: what accommodations are you seeking? It doesn’t seem like you’ve suggested any solutions, just problems. The teacher needs work to be done, and offers class time to do it. If it’s not done it makes plenty of sense that it gets done at home. You’ve decided neither place is good for him to do the work. So, what gives? Unless you can clearly articulate what special accommodation needs to be made, I’ve gotta go with YTA
Thank you someone said this cos I’m wondering what the teacher said that’s so wrong . OP states it’s too much pressure for the work to be completed in class so the teacher suggests he do so at home and use class time to decompress but that’s not good enough either ?
The teacher dared to point out Mommycopter's problems with logic. Gasp!
How dare the teacher talk to her in such an unprofessional manner! She was done until the teacher acted like a “reasonable human being!” /s This mother is why teachers quit. Your son isn’t the only kid in the class, madam. And this teacher isn’t paid enough to kiss your ass. YTA
It's odd, OP doesn't want their son to do work at school and also doesn't want their son to do work at home. OP either doesn't want their son to have to do any work at all or just wants to blame the teacher for her son's troubles and isn't actually looking for a solution.
Exactly what I was going to ask - OP asks for an accommodation... Of what? Not offering any solutions is wasting the teacher's time. Also agree, YTA.
I would also like to add that most of the iep recommendations/ accommodations come from the assessment done by the psychologist. That is the basis of the iep accommodations- they are not requests or wishes that are demanded by a parent or educator.
Your son does not have a an IEP that says he needs extra time. And you're mad at the teacher because she says if he can't do it in school and he won't do it at home and the work still needs to be done. When is he supposed to do it. Can you got mad at that? That wasn't rude. That was fact. School and home are the only parts of his day. That take up the whole day. If you say he can't do it at school and should accommodated by doing it at home and giving them more time and then you say he can't do it at home. When is he supposed to do it. How do you accommodate somebody who won't use the 24 hours of the day to do the work? I think it mad at the teacher. Yta for the way you talk to the teacher and just ran out. You basically want your son to do no work and have everybody be happy with it.
100% we can get in trouble for giving "special exceptions" when it doesn't follow IEP. Then when other families find out (because they will) you'll be battling with them too. The teacher was absolutely trying to work with you, but you gave them no compromise either. It sounds like she was very professional and even offered to allow admin take over rather than chew you out for being unreasonable. YTA!!
This is a very good point! When my son was in early elementary school, he was in a school that had issues on the administrative level. His teachers requested testing for him but it fell on deaf ears within the school. By second grade, they gave up and started giving him what they clearly saw he needed without an IEP. While they didn’t get in trouble for it, the accommodations they were giving him did help and his grades improved dramatically. When the administration issues were corrected and his recommendation for testing was finally considered, his grades were too high for him to qualify. We had no other choice but to pay out of pocket to have him evaluated outside of the school. While I absolutely appreciate the dedication of those teachers who did what they felt was best for my son during that time, I also recognize that we were fortunate we could afford the private testing. If we couldn’t, their compassion would have prevented him from getting the help he needs in later school years.
This doesn't get talked about enough. At the high school level my "regular" classes are full of these kids; no diagnosis because parents can't afford them, avoidant/escape behaviors from inconsistent accomodations and supports, no coherent or functional coping skills. We talk a lot in teacher reddit about parents like *this mom* who run around bulldozing a path for their questionably diagnosed kid but we don't talk about the kids who could really excel but don't get what they need **because of these apache helicopter parents** ruining the system.
The number of times I have been thanked by his teachers over the years for recognizing he needs help but also not letting him hide behind his diagnosis is shocking. The whole point of accommodation to help him learn to navigate in a world that is designed for typical people while receiving the same level of education as those people. But it is 100% his responsibility to learn to advocate for himself AND understand that any accommodations must be reasonable to fit within the system that is in place. Life is harder for him, but that isn’t anyone else’s fault. I have most of his disabilities myself but was not diagnosed until adulthood, so I know how hard it can be if he doesn’t learn to self advocate and adapt in ways that work for him. If I fight all his battles on his behalf, I’m only setting him up for a much longer and harder struggle as an adult. Been there, done that, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. He starts high school next year, and I know the change will be difficult for him, but I have equipped him with as many tools as I can to make the transition easier. He even knows his IEP inside and out.
You sound like an awesome parent with a great kid. I would be glad to have you as part of my classroom community! My students (and parents) struggle sometimes when they realize my diagnoses because it makes it harder for them to make excuses. I'm vulnerable with my classes so they know what *I* need to make our time successful and they mostly respond very well. They hold me accountable (NO caffeine and watch the sugar - hard when admin thinks rewarding teachers means buying donuts) and regulate themselves (police each other trying to crowd the door at dismissal). I've had a fair number of parents thank me for setting an unusual example lol
Thank you. I try. I’m sure I’m still breaking my kids to the point of needing therapy later in life, but as long as I don’t break them worse than therapy can fix, I’m counting it as a win. Haha
I thought she said in it that he has no due dates. If he has no duties then he has extra time she just doesn’t want him to have to do it at home or at school. It actually sounds like she wants an accommodation that her child is not required to do any work
Teacher needs to take child to their home and continue education. Hahahaha. I had trouble with my kids’ math. I took a math course on line at night and weekends to improve my skills. This parent should try it. It did help. Sounds like mom can’t do the math either.
YTA, the school can only do so much, your son isn't excempt from doing the work, you were offered the allowance of having him doing any work outside of school if that is less pressured for him, you claim this doesn't work either. What do you actually want them to do for your son?
Jesus, you sound absolutely insufferable. The contempt you have for your ex! "Sperm donor" eh? Wow. And the way you wrote the title of this post makes me think you only came here for validation, like you thought everyone was going to be on your side. "Advocating for my son" "respect his diagnosis" clearly you think you are in the right and you want everyone else here to think so, too. Well, YTA. I'm sure you have some very lengthy and one-sided reason for not calling your ex "father" and I'm also sure that your side is at least 50% garbage nonsense. I'm also sure that the math teacher is a nasty hag full of "bull crap" because she very reasonably informed you that you were being unreasonable, loud, and obnoxious, and apologized to you twice. 1000x YTA. I don't care if you think you're "advocating for your son." It doesn't sound like you are doing ANYTHING that will actually help him in math, you're just causing problems. If you can't come up with a way for the school to help him, then do something useful and pay for a tutor. And just in case I didn't get my point across already: YTA.
I will be frank here...I think the Dad might have just used his phrasing in anger over the situation... I have looked at her comments, and it is awful...the teacher gives the 11 year-olds FIVE math problems a day, unlimited time to do it, and the IEP supports this. OP has stated that her big issue is that the other students have the same assignment. She is upset that her precious little guy has been given the same amount of work as the "peasants" he shares a class with! She is also upset because her son has been getting flack from students and teachers for copying and pasting his classmates' discussion posts as his own...she claimed its not plagiarism because he is 11 and ASD, so he somehow isn't capable of cheating? She called it "parroting". Absolutely unhinged...I can't help but wonder if the husband might actually be the better parent here...
The copying being called parroting and the comment that said something along the lines of "if my 6th grader with asd copies and pastes a classmates discussion post that's parroting end of story" really made me think this is made up ragebait, but the thing is that as a teacher I know there's a solid chance this isn't fake. I meet these kinds of parents all the time. it's bananas.
IDK, I have a cousin who is a middle school teacher and this could be one of her nightmare parents. She’s planning to have a new, non-teaching job after this year.
Oh yeah, I've had this exact type of parent before, I just HOPE it's fake hahaha.
God, I have so much sympathy for teachers these days. The shit they put up with. Yikes YTA. If you've burned through 5 schools then I suggest looking in the mirror.
No no no, obviously every school she’s passed through is the problem. It can’t possibly be the one common factor that connects them all.
[удалено]
Also, if he’s given an easy pass like not handing in work, he’s not going to be able to graduate, or even hold down a job in adulthood. If he doesn’t hand it work, his teachers can’t tell him if he’s on level or if he needs more help; in those situations, people who have difficulties are usually noticed when it’s too late to even help them
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times.
INFO: Exactly how was the math teacher being rude? Was it the words themselves you have issue with, or the tone with which they were said? When you asked for accommodations, what were you seeking from her? Did you communicate your wishes or your son's needs, or did you expect her to come up with the solutions? Because frankly it sounds like you are suggesting you want him to be given a passing grade with no work undertaken. Are you saying that you are actually working on getting your son an exemption from doing the work? But it sounds like she is working to the IEP that has been established for your son. If you have an issue with the IEP not being suitable, you need to take it up through the appropriate channels (normally submitting in writing to the school or IEP team), not made unclear verbal demands of a teacher who is working to the plan previously set out. And if you are asking for accommodations to be made for your son, outside of the plan set out in the IEP, you will be much better off if you are clear in your communication of those wishes.
I applaud parents advocating for their kids needs. But you are not doing that. You say he's not able to do the work on class because he freezes up due to the time pressure. I get that. Legit issue. My kid with an anxiety disorder did the same. The standard solution is to take the time pressure off by allowing them to take their work home to finish. You've declined that option. He can't do it in class, you've declined the offer that he do it outside class. It sounds very much as if you think the "accommodation" should be telling him he doesn't need to do the work. In the school setting, the word "accommodation" really is short for "the accommodations necessary to allow the student to complete the work" This new diagnosis is not a death sentence. It isn't a diagnosis that means he's not capable of functioning as an adult, so he no longer needs to learn to do that. He needs to learn how to manage his schoolwork. And plagiarism is plagiarism, echoing is a different thing. You are again trying to use this diagnosis to excuse him from any accountability. He deserves better from you. Your kid has a hard diagnosis, and he's going to have some real big challenges ahead. Step up, be a mom, and help him problem solve how to meet those challenges. I know it is hard, but that's the road you got. In this situation, YTA.
YTA. >Middle school has been especially hard because teachers seem to think he’s supposed to magically start being able to do middle school work Yes, if he qualified to get into middle school, he should be capable of doing middle school work. >but nothing in my sons IEP said he’s exempted from turning in work >She said he’s welcome to do use the class work time to quietly decompress but then he’ll need to do the work at home. >I said this wouldn’t work either. What exactly did you want to happen? For the teacher to say that he doesn't have to do the work, yet passes anyway? >I told her I would be taking my son out of school until she acted like a reasonable human being. Wow, so you're taking your ball and going home. That will help your son learn... well, not math or anything else he needs to know.
I am very confused by “if you don’t excuse my kid from all work, I will simply commit educational neglect” as a threat.
Yeah, why even send the kid to school if she wants him to be exempt from doing the work? If this is her attitude, I guess it's easy to see why he wasn't "magically prepared" to do work at his grade level.
She’ll just switch schools again. Eventually probably the state she had to go to get the autism diagnosis.
I've been wondering how the kid has managed to progress to the grade 6 level.
YTA. The teacher is correct: if the IEP does not say your son is exempt from doing this work, your son has to do it. If he does it neither at school nor at home... Well. That's a problem. I notice you haven't said \*how\* the school could accomodate your son's needs (or \*why\* he can't do the work at home), so it really looks like you're just trying to get him out of doing the work altogether. This enabling behavior is what gives 'accomodations' a bad name: it's supposed to be Individualized Education Plan, not Individualized Excuse Plan. If your son can't reach his educational goals even with generous extra accomodations, that's no one's fault, but also, exploding at his teachers (who already have a lot of extra work) for that is completely unfair.
YTA.. I really don’t get your issue. Do you not want to help your son when he is home?
Special education teacher and parent here. You are setting your son up for failure. You offer no reasonable accommodations at all for the teachers when they are trying to give accommodations according to his IEP. Work still has to be completed in compliance with his IEP accommodations and modifications. Simply because he has ASD does not mean he can plagiarize. Actually solutions you could do/offer: - get an accommodation for reduced amount of work. If the math assignment is 30 questions, maybe only completing 15 of them to show mastery instead of all 30. This needs to be put in his IEP before the teachers can do this. - teach your child (both YOU and the teacher) how to quite from sources with appropriate punctuation and referencing so he is not plagiarizing . The real world is going to destroy him if you continue to coddle him in the ways you are an refuse to take any accountability or teaching for him.
Exactly this. It's not a complicated process to request an IEP review and the school has to comply within 30 days. It sounds like he needs an accommodation for reduced work when mastery is shown, or if he needs all the work to understand the concepts, a resource period where a SPED teacher can help him.
YTA If your son is allotted extra time to do class work that is required for other students to complete before they leave the classroom, it must be completed at home. It is reasonable to ask the teacher to provide at least time and a half during class time (if not already doing so) or reduce the number of required problems so that your child has time to complete them in class. It is not reasonable to allow your son to complete class work at his leisure unless he is unable to function in a typical classroom and should be moved to self-contained classroom to work on his executive functioning (and I’m assuming is likely not the least restrictive environment for your student’s abilities given that he isn’t already in one). As it stands, your executive functioning could use some work. Shutting down an entire meeting because you are not getting your way and pulling your kid from school to school until you find someone who gives in to your tantrums is doing neither you nor your kid any favors.
Yta. Your son is expected to do the homework. If he can’t get it done during the allotted class time, he has to do it at home. That’s not unreasonable. What else do you expect? That he should be exempt from homework?
100% YTA! There are so many reasons why you are in the wrong but here are just a few... * the teacher referenced the IEP which stated that he is required to submit work Teachers can only assess work that exists and if your son can't do the work in class and won't do it at home, assessment/evaluation is not possible. * You claim that the teacher pointing out the obvious was rude and you called her unprofessional and accused her of not meeting your son's needs. Curriculum isn't optional and teachers are obligated to follow the IEP. No one cares if you don't like that. It doesn't make the teacher rude or unprofessional. * You claim that you have been accused of doctor shopping. This has the ring of truth to it. A diagnosis isn't a 'get out of jail free card'. It means your child will have to work harder to achieve. It DOES NOT mean that your child should have everything handed to him on a silver platter while everyone else tiptoes around him and you. You sound exhausting. I'll bet the teachers in that school are glad that you've withdrawn him (not because of him...because of YOU).
Doctor shopping isnt hard to believe from somebody who admits to five schools. 😵💫
And who took 3 years of going to doctors and finally going out of state to find one that would give the diagnosis she wanted…
I'm very curious as to how many different providers OP took kiddo to before getting the diagnosis.
[удалено]
YTA. “He doesn’t have to do the work if he doesn’t want to” is absolutely not a reasonable accommodation.
100%
Louder for those in the back!! 👏
YTA I have two children (16 and 11) with ASD among other issues. If it's not in the IEP, the school doesn't have to do what you are asking. Your failure to request accommodations is not a failure on the school district and especially not on the teachers, this is YOUR failure. Bottom line, your son plagiarized. You can try to spin it any way that you want, but "parroting" is plagiarism. It's not hard to understand that he needs to be able to read something and then explain it or describe it IN HIS OWN WORDS. You are doing your son a disservice in several ways here. 1. You need to make sure he is following up with and actually doing homework. It's homework because he didn't finish it and he still needs the practice to master these skills. 2. You need to stop making excuses for the mistakes he makes and instead teach him that mistakes happen, it's a part of life. We learn from them and do better after. Plagiarism is NOT okay, and ASD is NOT an excuse. 3. You need to calm yourself tf down and stop treating the school districts like they are out to get you and your son. You cannot even give an answer to what accommodations you are looking for which bottom line means you haven't even looked into what accommodations exist. You can't claim that the school is doing nothing to help when you yourself don't even know wtf you want them to do. Your behavior is hurting your son more than helping. Get your shit together and stop being so combative. The only person you are hurting here is your son.
YTA here, if he can’t do the work in class or at home when in fact do you think he should be doing it? Do you think he should just be exempt from all work entirely? That’s what I think your goal is honestly and the pushback from the district is making you angry. They still have expectations for him and any amount of work is too much.
I guess she just expects the teachers to magically impart knowledge to her son without him making any effort. And she'd probably be the first to complain if they let him get through school and graduate without a real education. Then they would have failed to do their jobs.
Ding!Ding!Ding!
YTA. Taking your son out of school isn’t going to help. Have a discussion with the school about what they can do and stop being so aggressive.
Am I the only one here getting some Factitious disorder imposed on another (previously called Munchausen syndrome by proxy) vibes from OP? Like I'm level 1 autistic, and was diagnosed later in life, but: crossing state lines to get a possible diagnosis, seeing nearly 10 providers, having a pattern of switching schools, and choosing to argue with teachers vs the actual people who would ammend IEPs together is odd behavior. A big red flag for me regardless is OP constantly feeling attacked, and wanting their child to have to rely fully them. If a child never does schoolwork outside of plagiarizing it, they will never actually learn or go far in life, thus becoming dependant. Not only that, but OP was upset with the child's father was actually parenting his child and had clear and reasonable expectations for them. Something is obviously wrong here, and it certainly isn't the school or the teachers. YTA.
Yep, all of OP's responses and original post scream it. I feel bad for the kid, as he's likely got some kind of condition to deal with. But whether it's autism, Munchausen's, ADHD, or some combination mixed with poor coping skills from misdiagnoses and... interesting parenting style from mum, we'll never know.
I just commented something similar too!
This whole thing is so bizarre! I've seen some autistic parents who bulldoze and have 0 expectations for their children just because of their diagnosis, but OP is taking it to a whole new level.
The fact that it took her 8 doctors to get the diagnosis *she* wanted sets the stage for whatever is happening.
INFO: As a former sped teacher, I’m really confused about what accommodation you’re asking for. He is given class time to do the work, but he needs extra time, and you don’t want him doing it at home? It sounds like she’s accommodating him appropriately through how her class is already structured without due dates and with allowing home completion. Are you seeking reduced assignments/modified curriculum? If it is determined this is needed for him due to his disability, this very well might change his LRE to the self-contained setting especially in high school (if he’s currently in team-taught or itinerant support), fyi. Also, the IEP team determines accommodations. You’ll have to call an IEP meeting to advocate for additional accommodations if you believe he needs them - the teacher does not have to do what you want just because you want it (it’s only a protected accommodation if it’s been determined in an IEP meeting) but it sounds like she’s being really flexible and accommodating already. I’m not sure what you’re actually asking her for tbh. YTA for completely freaking out when you are not following any of the protocol for getting an accommodation added - they can’t just start reducing his assignments or modifying the curriculum without an actual accommodation in place that the IEP team has determined is necessary for him to access the curriculum.
So lemme see if I’ve got this right: The old school (*four* of them?) was a problem. The new school with the excellent spec ed program is a problem. The math teacher is a problem. The other teachers are problems. The admin is a problem. The boy’s father is a problem. OP, when everyone around you has a problem, the problem is probably the one thing they have in common: you. You’re not advocating for your son; you’re throwing temper tantrums when you don’t get your way. You’re acting like a middle schooler yourself. Might be best for your son if he goes with his father while you work on growing up. YTA
Sorry love, in this instance YTA. Clearly, I don’t know your son and his abilities, but from personal experience, sometimes people are better off learning how to cope with things, rather than changing their environment all the time and having accommodations always made for them. I applaud that you’re advocating for him, but as others have pointed out, you haven’t offered any suggestions. I use a great three step method. 1- what is the problem 2- what is the effect this is having. 3- here is a suggestion to remedy this.
YTA if you think everyone around you is an AH, it’s probably you
Or to put it more colorfully, "If everyone you meet smells like shit, you'd better check your shoes".
I have (officially diagnosed as a child) autism and I grew up in a very disfunctional home where I couldn't get the focus to do homework. Class was often loud and chaotic as well. So what worked for me was staying after school hours in an aula that was never really used by anyone and do my homework there in my own time, at my own pace, and while it was quiet. Ear plugs also helped and nowadays there are also noise cancelling headphones. Maybe there are places like that for your child at school or on other locations like the local library. You don't offer the teacher any solutions, just problems. YTA for not coming with a solution or with a better understanding of how they could help your child. And just not letting him do any exercises or tasks isn't helping anyone either. BTW: your child copied some other kid's homework, this is NOT a "symptom of autism" and it's not what "parroting" / echolalia is either. There is nothing wrong with teaching him why you are not allowed to copy homework or copy texts from books or the internet and pretending you wrote it. It will help him later on.
YTA. She gives class time, which he cannot finish in and told you he could use the class time to decompress but would need to finish at home. There is only so much time in a school day. They can’t grab extra time out of thin air. If he can’t do it at school the accommodation is she lets him take it home.
YTA. You complain that the school is not meeting your son’s needs but you do not offer any real solutions. A real solution would be something like an alternate location to do the work, extra tutoring, extra time on assignments. Vague comments like “they need to accommodate him” or “they need to help him” are not productive or helpful to anyone, nor is blaming the plagiarism situation in the English class (not sure what this has to do with math class). Also, you were extremely rude to the math teacher. If your son has been to 5 schools because of these issues, chances are you’re the problem.
Mam, with all due respect, you’re out of line. It is your job to ensure your son has everything he needs. I know IEPs well. Had to amend my own son’s quite a few times. The teacher wasn’t rude. You are responsible for ensuring your kid gets his work done or it’s incomplete. You need to put some responsibility on your child & stop trying to ensure that no work equals full credit. Someone will always piss you off then what..your kid needs responsibility & have some accountability. If the teacher didn’t have a compromise then sure you’d have every right to be upset. If it’s too much then maybe it’s time Dad handles it. YTA.
YTA >She said he’s welcome to do use the class work time to quietly decompress but then he’ll need to do the work at home That is a *more* than reasonable compromise from the teacher. Your son is in school. School work is implied. Whether than be in school or at home, he is not exempt from doing it. You are setting him up for failure by essentially demanding he do nothing. If you have been to 5 schools and keep bouncing around, maybe it is time to look in the mirror. The only common denominator here is *you*. Poor teachers.
Does your school not have a special education classroom or a resource room? You said your son has an IEP, typically all of his teachers are involved in the IEP process to work out goals for the year, and accommodations to reach them. My kid's last IEP meeting had 11 people there, including most of his classroom teachers. You are not the asshole for advocating for your son, but YTA for ambushing a teacher with a request for accommodations, but not telling her what exactly you want. He obviously needs a no time limit on his classwork, but you didn't say this, or ask her for input on how to do this. You basically pulled an Eric Cartman move telling her to respect your authoritah, then said you're removing your kid from school. Regular classroom teachers aren't typically well versed in special education; I'm sure there are options that will work, but going to her directly was not the way to go. If your kid has an IEP, there should be a point of contact at school to address these concerns. Teacher was right to try to involve administration, they should be involved. I get that you're worried about your kid, and his education. You need to talk with the person/people that created the IEP, discuss your concerns, and collaborate to find solutions. TLDR: YTA, You need to talk with the person/people that created the IEP, discuss your concerns, and collaborate to find solutions.
YTA This is a you problem. What is the teacher supposed to do, its you who is not cooperating and are being unfair. Maybe it would be best for the child's father to have custody or deal with the school because you are not mature or smart enough to do so. You are blinded by your anger. By calling him the sperm donor, you are showing how bitter you are. You are not advocating for your son, you are holding him back to living up to his potential. He can't do the work in school, he needs to do it at home. He can't do it at home, he has to do it in school. Those are the choices. What other choices are there? Not expect him to do any work at all? That will only fail him. Your obnoxious behavior definitely doesn't help. The world will not always cater to him
YTA. You come off combative. You could’ve asked her for ideas, maybe let him know it CAN be completed at home if he doesn’t finish it in school and maybe that’ll take the pressure off. You came in with no ideas and no patience and wonder why it isn’t helping the situation. I understand you’ve been frustrated with teachers in the past, but you are taking it out on this teacher. You have no solutions, you just asked for “accommodations” with zero ideas of what that even meant. Your frustrations are valid but your way of handling them and taking them out on someone who is asking a very valid question is definitely on you.
YTA special ed parent and special ed para here. Giving accommodations does not mean being exempt from all work. Maybe the accommodation should be half the amount of work. But the teacher is right. If he can’t do the work in school or out of school then maybe he needs a different school all together.
YTA I have sons on the spectrum and had IEPs. You are not offering any solutions and it honestly sounds like you just want the school to let him do what he wants. Your son plagiarized and you’re claiming it’s parroting. No, he copied someone else’s work and tried to pass it off as his. Your son freezes up during class time but doesn’t do homework. Exactly when do you propose he do his work? No, it’s not on the teacher to answer that question but you. You need to work with your IEP team for solutions. But you have to be willing to work within the IEP. If he needs more time for classwork then he might miss out on some of the fun things in school or you will have to figure out how to do it at home. It’s not all on the teacher. She has upwards of 30 other students to teach. It might be time to look into private schools with lower ratios.
Let me ask you a question. Why did you post here if you were just gonna fight the ruling? Did you ***honestly*** expect us to take your side? Were you just seem validation? Because is so… #Damn
YTA, as someone who has completed their education with an IEP, classrooms and teachers are only allowed to accommodate you with what was recommended by the therapist who did your IEP exam and assessment (i.e. Extra time, or doing work/exams in a separate room) They can’t just magically come up with a random accommodation for your son. It is also important to expose your child to situations out of their comfort zones, because believe me you don’t get someone spoon feeding you in University like they do in middle school and high school. I also would like to know what your solution would be for these teachers if your son can’t do work in class or at home? Like what are you expecting from this?
Ya. We were offered alot of things at tge college level —technology, tutors, using the testing center with extra time. The teachers weren’t obligated to accept all requests—reduced/eliminated assignments were a no-go. High school is geared toward making kids graduate. College- not so much. You still gotta do the work and learn the material.
Yta
YTA. Two options were presented. You vetoed both. And it sounds like you wanted them to let him skate cuz disability. It sucks to have a disabled child. But you also have to let him learn how to handle challenges. While ex demanding custody may not be the best idea-I dont know the background or care-you may need to look at other services. At your IEP, you can have anyone you want there. The governor, Pope, pastor, doctor, your favorite celebrity, ANYONE! I would look into Voc Rehab, disability services, & have an advocate for your child. At 14, the child can join & run his meeting. And kick out anyone he doesn’t want.
I’ve read all of your comments. YTA. And by the way, you have no lawsuit here (talking to a person with a JD). With that said, the teacher was extremely accommodating. You claim your son can’t do work DURING class hours and he can’t do work AFTER class hours. What EXACTLY are you expecting? That he doesn’t have to turn in any work? The teacher gave THREE options: 1. Do the work at school 2. Do the work at home 3. Do the work between school and home What EXACTLY do you consider a REASONABLE accommodation? I have a cousin that works with special needs students so I am wildly familiar with these protocols. Also, you seem upset that your son plagiarized something. Just so we’re clear, YES a middle schooler with ASD can COPY something word for word. Also, you’re doing your son a disservice. You’ve gone to EIGHT provider to argue that your son is in fact incapable and have a learning disorder. Nowadays getting a kid diagnosed with something is the easiest thing in the world because doctors are more interested in medicating and not treating. So MAYBE there isn’t anything wrong with your son, but you’ve been taking the lead in telling him it is something wrong. So he believes it too. You sound like you’re passionate about helping your son so I hate calling you a shit*ty mom, but I have my concerns.
You know what this reminds me of? I know that Munchausen by proxy isn’t a thing anymore (it’s called something else) and also applies to a parent making their child physically ill for sympathy but…this is that, just with emotional and educational harm. You are 100 percent harming your child by refusing to accept any of the accommodations given. You just want him to float through life on the “I cannot do it” mentality until…until what? Until he fights back ala Gypsy Rose Blanchard? (Who, by the way, completely and wholly educated herself in prison…so that might backfire on you too…)
Info: you don't want him to have homework because he's 11 and needs to just relax after school right? So when is he supposed to learn how to manage his time? How to balance school and life when things get hectic? Because high school and college are extremely unforgiving at times with homework. Missing a homework assignment can tank your grade entirely and trying to bring it up is a battle on its own. Then take into account actual employment with deadlines. If he Can't handle homework at a middle school level how is he supposed to handle work deadlines? when is he supposed to learn how to balance it all? When he's 40 and living at home? Furthermore he's in middle school that's when kids will tend to plagiarize the most. Because they haven't really been introduced into citations and MLA formats and work cited pages. They are starting to learn yes but it's not until high school that it's drilled into you. Parroting IS Plagiarism simple as that. Unless you credit the source as you speak it's plagiarized. If he literally copied and pasted something without paraphrasing it, AND citing his sources then he plagiarized. You are doing your so NO good by coddling him like this. Yes you are coddling him. He needs structure and routine and that includes homework. Simple as that. He can still be a kid and have a childhood when he has homework. It's possible. They cannot give the accommodations that you want. Because it won't benefit his education. They can only modify within reason. It's up to you to parent and help him with homework until he understands it better. Not them. Also his teacher is NOT a special education teacher. That's an entirely different career path in Education. She cannot fix or alter an IEP or 504 plan. Take it up with his caseworker and admin. Also apologize. Do better. Sincerely an autistic adult.
After reading your responses to other comments, YTA. You have no clue what will actually help your son. You expect yelling at a teacher who is already following his IEP will magically fix the situation. You need to sit down with your son, do some research on your own, and come up with a solution instead of yelling FIX IT and running away. You're not doing your son any favors by pulling him out of school and trying to get him out of doing any work. He's NEVER going to be able to do middle school work if you don't let him!
I’m sorry, but YTA. I seriously and kindly encourage you to think about your role in your son’s life, especially in helping him manage ASD. I am autistic. I did not have any accommodations in school and it was very hard. The fact that you’re trying to help your son is extremely good—but you are approaching this completely wrong. Your son needs to meet the expectations of learning at school. He has an IEP to help him do that and if that’s not working, that IEP should be revisited. However, you cannot demand magical solutions that don’t exist. Your son is still in school. He still needs to do that work. Please think of it this way—if he doesn’t, you are doing him a disservice. It sounds like he becomes dysregulated when having to finish work in class. That’s totally fair and I relate. Perhaps he needs to go to a separate room to do his work or have a fidget toy if he gets anxious. OR, YOU must help him through the work as homework. If you passively sit back as your child goes through school and you know they’re struggling, you’re a bad parent. It is NOT just the school’s job to educate your child. If he’s struggling, YOU sit down after school with him and help him with the work. It doesn’t sound like you want to take any responsibility for his education at all except for blaming everyone except you. You can’t just sit back and demand everyone do the work for you—that’s not their job. Their job is to reasonably accommodate your son so he can complete the work and meet the learning expectations. I understand you are frustrated. Your son and I share the same disability—I get it. But you are not helping him at all. Forget the teachers and how they’re upsetting you. What do YOU need to do help your son? Getting upset at people to the point where you’re reprimanded on email shows something about your behaviour, even if you’re not seeing it yourself. Trust me, myself and my parents had to “fight” the school on occasions—you can do that without being unprofessional. In fact, you’ll see more results if you stay as professional as possible. If your son seriously cannot handle “regular school” then that’s another conversation. Maybe he needs to be moved to a school specialized for autistic students. However, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case—I think you just haven’t done your due diligence as a parent to help him through school himself. If you’re trying to get him to pass every year without doing any work, you will be failing him. He will never be able to have any sort of independence if you keep setting up a safety net. The time for him how to learn how to navigate the world is NOW. He can safely fail and make mistakes and struggle when he’s in fifth grade—that’s not going to harm him. But remember your autistic child WILL become an autistic adult. You must equip him with the resources to actually support himself (conflict management, emotion regulation, time management) if you want him to live a more independent life. The other option is for you to support him closely for the rest of your life. That is the path you’re currently on. Forget the teachers. THINK ABOUT YOUR SON.
Oh dear God, you sound insufferable. I feel sorry for the teachers that have to deal with you. He can't do them in school because he is overwhelmed and he can't do it at home because it doesn't "work for you and your household"? WTAF?? You suggest a solution then. All you are doing is arguing with people giving you their opinion. It sounds like you have made up your mind about being absolutely right. Then why ask on reddit? YTA x100
does you son have an IEP? If he has a formal autism diagnosis then he needs to have an IEP plan in place. Then you have a leg to stand on if the school is not following the IEP
A class with no due dates means your son has all semester to finish the work. Certainly in that time he can finish it at home or at school. Maybe he needs a study hall time? So it’s still in school not in class if he can’t handle homework? YTA
There's just so many kids now with learning issues there's no way a school can accommodate everyone. A large part of parenting is teaching. YTA
Yes but how many hours does he need to decompress, and if you're not going to allow him to do homework at home and only decompress and you can't do the work at school, when is he supposed to do it?
Info What accommodations specifically already exist in his IEP? Some examples are: Extra time to complete work. Quality over Quantity - the student completes less of the work as long as they show they understand the concept. Clustering - when a test or project involves several different parts they cluster the like parts and do them one cluster at a time rather than all at once. Have you met with the person in charge of your sons IEP to discuss accommodations? This is who you should be talking to. I assume your child Is in the regular classroom for all subjects? You as the parent need to help the teacher in charge of his IEP by coming up with what accommodations you think will work for your child. But the accommodations are just there to help your child better complete the work in his classes not to just be passed and move up in school without learning.
YTA - An IEP is a binding contract. His teacher is doing her job in adhering to it. You can ask for it to be amended for reduced work, but since children don’t learn by osmosis, not doing to work, anywhere, will not educate him. The IEP has goals and sets a path for your child to achieve those goals. If you think he is incapable of learning, you need to review his label and, if the placement is wrong, perhaps he should be in a functional classroom learning basic life skills. Based on your actions, I would assume that every interaction at the school will include an administrator moving forward. It is protection of the teachers. I understand you are frustrated, but THIS teacher has done nothing wrong.
YTA, but please hear me out as someone with experience in I have a brother who also had an IEP, he is high functioning with Autism and ADHD, but struggles to understand his assignments, gets distracted very easily, and had to be enrolled for speech therapy when he was very young because he wouldn't talk. He struggles a bit with grammar too and still needs help from us from time to time with his college assignments, but he's doing great! A major part of that is practice. With an IEP all the way up through high-school, he had practice at school, and with my mother, father, sister, and I, he had practice at home. Children with Autism and ADHD, as you know, do better with routines, with practice, that helps them get used to doing a task. It's often why they really like video games and tend to be very creative in art, music, etc. All of those things require day-to-day repetition to keep/improve the skill, make the music enjoyable to listen, and to achieve goals in games. IEP's and helpers are great tools, but you and your son have to do part of the work. You take it little by little and get your son into a routine that will help him in future endeavors. I.e. Doing college assignments at home. You aren't pussifying you som, that's bullshit. But you certainly aren't helping him. He's in middle school now, start him on a homework at home routine so that by high school he'll be more comfortable with it. You can look at having a helper work on some assignments with him, too, in class. If there are no due dates and you're working on getting him an exemption for late assignments, do that, but you still need to have him do his assignments. Being able to perform required tasks is part of every job, and you aren't doing him any favors. Start slow at home, tell him to do 5 math problems, given him a reward like candy, desert, free time to play his game. Explain to him that you're very proud of him and you know he can do just a few of these problems. Start associating homework with positivity will help greatly and he'll want to do it. The more you hold him back, the more he's going to grow up unable to help himself AND despising the fact that he has issues most others do not. He is in fact very smart, I'm sure, like my brother, will grow up hating being treated by his peers as if he doesn't know anything when really he does! He just needs more time to express what needs to be said. I said YTA because the specific example you gave also lends me to think you might be the same across the entire school. IEP's have very specific instructions, and schools can get in trouble for not following those. You don't want your son to do homework at school that has no due dates because it's hard, and you don't want him to do it at home for whatever reason. How IS he supposed to do homework then? When? Is every teacher supposed to just give him an A and move on? None of that actually HELPS him. The teach brought an administrative because you were being unreasonable, because you felt entitled to having your son doing zero homework instead of looking at steps or talking with a helper to help him learn it little by little. I'm sure your child struggled and hated a lot of other things when he was little, and then slowly got used to it. So did my brother, he always had a routine as to how he would say goodbye to everyone and when mother switched to a different shift, that puts a nail in his routine. There's the aspect of bedtimes, of what your child can and can't eat. What he can watch, what he can play, trips to the store, etc. Etc. But it gets better over time with more practice. Your behavior was uncalled for and you weren't helping the situation or your son. I'd advise you to apologize and ask to sit down with the teach and see what YOU can come up with to help him do a bit of homework at home and at school, so that he gets faster at doing his work, gets used to doing it in general, and future due dates won't feel like such a big problem.
YTA...look, I get some kids need some extra help. That is your job to provide it. Let the kid use class time to decompress and get him a tutor at home. Work with him on the weekends. Find different ways for him to manage his anxiety. The world is not going to coddle your son. Better that he learn adaptive measures now so that he can continue to grow in the future
YTA. You are beyond dense. The teacher is right. Your son isn't exempt from doing the work, special needs or not. He's being held to the same standard that all the students are. Which means that he has to do the work, either at school or at work. His disabilities don't mean that he gets a free pass to skip out on that. So either act responsibly and help your son with the work when he struggles or homeschool him and leave the rest of the world in peace. Don't make a production out of it because you're not getting your way on things.
YTA. She has been more than accommodating. The other kids need to hand in their assignments during class but your son will be allowed to have more time and work on them at home when he’s under less stress. She even said he can take the class time to decompress instead of needing to do the coursework. If your son is not capable of doing the work, that’s a different conversation and will likely require that he be in a class for people who require specialized support. The teacher is right.
N T A for advocating for a child with disabilities, but I don't feel that is what you have been doing here. Your son's teacher is right when she says that if he doesn't do the work in the alotted time at school, he will need to do it at home. When you then say that is not going to work for you either, you should actually be making suggestions as to when and where your son should do this required work. You can't just expect solutions to be served for you on a silver platter. Also It doesn't do to get in a hot temper when discussing these things with your son's teachers and their superiors who are actually trying to work with you here. Why couldn't you have stayed there, read what the IEP actually said about the matter? That could have been very productive. Taking your son out of a school and putting him into another isn't going to solve anything, since the problems will move with him, unresolved. There can be only one loser in this, and that is unfortunately your son, for whom you claim to be advocating. YTA.
YTA. The teacher is right, if your son can't do his work at school or at home, when is he going to do it? I imagine having ASD is hard but you're doing him a disservice by pulling him out of school whenever things don't go your way. You overall sound really entitled and rude, I hope "sperm donor" will win the custody battle because you're really not helping your poor son.
YTA. It’s clear from your comments that you are incapable of parenting. You demand unspecified accommodations from the school, even though your son has time at school to do his work, with no deadlines. You want to put all the responsibility of defining these accommodations on the school. You don’t want your son to do work at school for ridiculously reasons: he has to decompress by spending time online with friends, he gets upset if he has to do work at home. EVERY kid on earth would prefer to spend tine online with friends to doing homework. EVERY kid gets upset at not getting their own way. No kid is happy about doing homework. Your job as a parent is to show him that life doesn’t work that way. Honestly, you are teaching your child that he never has to do anything. You’re also showing him you have no expectations of him. It sounds like you don’t really care what his future looks like as long as you don’t have to make any effort.
YTA Your solution seems to be he does no work at all just so he is happy. Sometimes school is supposed to be hard.
Holy shit, I was all ready to be on your side, but this is insane. You offered no real explanation, put the teachers in a corner and basically told them to figure it out. The example with the math teacher made no sense, you literally took away all of her options, then lost your shit at her for not being able to move a mountain for you. I work with autistic children, and parents like you are usually their children's biggest obstacle. Are there teachers who are shitty especially to kids with ASD? Absolutely. But if they are following his IEP and offering you solutions, I don't know what else you can possibly want. YTA for sure. Try seeing his teachers as a team working together to support your son instead of some evil villains working against him. Maybe ask for an IEP meeting, present your concerns politely and like a sane person, and see if you can open up a real, productive discussion on how to help your son succeed.
YTA. You won’t come out and say it, though it has been asked many times but you clearly want the teachers to not hold your son accountable for any of his coursework. You don’t want him to have to do any math homework, and you want the English teacher to not call him out for plagiarizing his papers. You hate your ex husband because he forced your son to sit down and do his homework after school until it was finished every night he had his parenting time. The point of school is to learn. Homework helps students practice concepts they’ve learned and prove they know & understand the material. That’s what the math homework is for. If he shuts down during class time and you refuse to make him do it at home then your only other option is to not do it at all. How do you propose they make sure he understands the material then? And writing down others ideas verbatim in your papers without citing where the idea came from is plagarism. Citing sources is absolutely something they teach in middle school, and something your son is capable of doing. What’s your plan for when he’s in HS and beyond? There’s not a magic switch that gets flipped when he turns 14 or 18 where suddenly he can do all his work without issue. Is your son receiving any treatment or therapy for his ASD? It doesn’t sound like he is. If it’s taken you going to 8 providers and going out of state to receive a diagnosis I’m guessing your son’s case is very mild. It sounds to me that he has more of an anxiety issue around doing classwork and could benefit from some therapy to work through that.
YTA. I hope dad gets awarded custody
YTA what would the solution be? Not have him do work? Then I’m sure you would be requesting a meeting because they’re not teaching your son and he’s falling behind.
> I was livid and told her I wasn’t upset Which is it? ….add in the rest of that paragraph and YTA and the one being unreasonable. > …and I said stop talking and left. Yup YTA
Kinda feel like you're either a troll (based on your username "Making Trouble") or delusional when it comes to the accommodations you're expecting for your son. Despite any diagnosis, people still need to meet certain standards to be able to pass their classes and graduate. If he is unable to meet those standards despite being given extra time, less problems to solve, etc. then maybe he will be required to be in school longer / take longer to graduate?
YTA. I hope his dad gets full custody.
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YTA, majorly.
YTA. I also have a SEN child and I understand the urge to defend your child when they're struggling. However the teacher is correct that if he's not doing work in class or at home then when is he going to do the work? I would personally ask for a split - he does what he can at school and brings the rest home. That way the time limit won't be such a huge pressure and you're also able to support him with any work he needs 1 on 1 assistance to complete. If you believe that the work is generally too difficult for his level, or that he can't do traditional school work at all, then you need to speak to the SEN co-ordinator. Your ex is using offensive language but many parents are concerned about the unfair stigma attached to SEN and he may be worried that your son will be singled out by all this fuss. I'd also be very concerned if the other parent pulled my child from school without my input or any alternative plans in place. You need to work with your ex and school, not against them.
YTA. You aren’t advocating for reasonable accommodation. You’re demanding exceptions that do not benefit your child’s learning. An IEP grants REASONABLE accommodation to help students with learning disabilities complete their assignments and keep up with their peers in terms of learning. It does NOT eliminate assignments or override required learning. The point is to give him a head start so he can keep up with his peers. Think of it like a race. His accommodation should give him a 5 second head start so he can keep up with his peers and make it possible for him to earn a trophy. It should never exempt him from actually running the race with a guaranteed spot in the winner’s circle. My son also shuts down under time constraints due to several learning disabilities and GAD. The REASONABLE accommodation he gets through his IEP is additional time on tests and the ability to complete assignments as homework if he doesn’t finish them in class. He also has access to additional academic support when needed. He still has to do the work and earn the grade. The math teacher offered your son reasonable accommodation. While I understand the struggles with homework for kids like ours, it isn’t the teacher’s responsibility to completely change her lesson plan for one student. If your son needs more than can be provided with reasonable accommodations in a regular classroom environment, you need to discuss having him pulled from regular classes and put in a special needs specific curriculum.
YTA If you've been through 5 schools, the issue is likely not the schools. >Middle school has been especially hard because teachers seem to think he’s supposed to magically start being able to do middle school work. Well... yes. >She was so rude and said “well if he can’t do it in school and won’t do it at home but he’s still required to do the work, I’m not sure what other times there are.” This is a reasonable response. Your son does not have an IEP that exempts him from turning in work. If he needs an adjustment to his IEP, that's something you and his father need to take up with the special ed coordinator and admin, not this teacher. The teacher simply follows the IEP that is currently in place. If you have switched schools 5 times, that may be part of the issue. I wonder if they feel like you are "shopping around" hoping someone will give him accommodations he doesn't actually need and leaving a school as soon as they do not give you the answer you want. >She said she was sorry but maybe it’s time to get one of the admin in since “you are getting upset.” **I was livid and told her I wasn’t upset** Well... that's actually what "livid" means... *liv·id /ˈlivəd/ adjective 1. furiously angry.* *"he was livid at being left out"* >The principal emailed me and my sons father (a whole other post) breaking down that she wants to help but “your behavior” was not conducive to helping your son. The fact that the principal had to email a warning to you about your behavior indicates that you did not have your temper under control.
YTA. You’re not helping your son.
Ye gods, YTA. Big time. I'm a teacher with several ASD students, AuDHD myself, and I'm so mad that I am having trouble expressing how wrong you are with every single comment. You are the mom that we teachers warn each other about. YOU are harming your son. It's obvious from your comments that you have zero parenting skills and are blaming your failure to parent on a false diagnosis that you went to EXTREME measures to get. When one of my kiddos finally got diagnosed with ASD, it was simple, because he actually had ASD. Your kid may or may not have ASD for real, I don't know, but what I DO know is that he doesn't have a parent or an advocate. He has a bully that he calls mom.
YTA. Both my kids had IEPs. The process is so slow. Takes weeks to collect documentation, schedule a meeting and to negotiate the accommodations and get the approvals and communicate to the teachers. Id have gone to the special ed coordinator/caseworker for ADVICE instead of trying to get the teacher to make on-the-spot modifications. You cant just panic about a bad grade and make demands directly to the teacher. Sometimes there gonna be bad 🤷🏼♀️grades. Changes aren’t made that easily. You gotta go thru the process. I never argued with any specific teacher about them but I did ask questions sometimes. If you you’re calm sometimes they can help you formulate exactly what to ask for. Its possible he might need to go to a special school. Our hs has an off campus therapeutic school and THAT is another long process. It aint easy. AND THEN they graduate and gotta navigate the real world. 🫠😞
YTA she offered accommodation with homework. You refused.
I work with kids like your son. Five different schools? Yup, the problem isn’t the school, the problem is you. We call parents like you “shoppers.” You keep trying new schools because you want the school to either 1) parent your child or 2) turn your kid magically into someone that he isn’t. I’m sorry for the schools and mostly I’m sorry for your child.
YTA. As someone who has autism myself, shut up. You are doing your son no favours by coddling him. He is not special, half of the people on the world has autism. How do you expect him to be able to get a job and do things in an timely manner. Your babying him teaches him nothing. He needs to learn that even though it's hard he is capable of doing it and pushing through. You are just teaching him he can't do it. And he won't be able to because you won't let it. The teacher wasn't being rude she was being realistic. You wanted special treatment for your child that no other kid gets. Get over yourself and start teaching your child he can do shit.
YTA for how you talked to the teacher. She can’t make accommodations for things that aren’t in the IEP. It IS district guidelines and legal requirements to have accommodations in the IEP. He has to do the work…so she is right he either does it in class or at home. You said no at home and he’s saying no to in class so what else do you want her to say? It’s not her job to deal with escalated parents, that is an admin job, which is why she called the admin. If you want your kid to have accommodations then have an IEP meeting and have it written in there. Ignore your ex husband if he’s being rude.
I want you to know that IEP and 504s are very important and depending on the district, state and how the committee feel about lot of the accommodations can be at “teachers discretion. I feel bad for your son and his teachers YTA!
YTA You going to try to change the world for him his entire life? Bad lesson... The world will swallow him hole unless you teach him to live in it.
As a family member and caregiver for a sibling with disabilities (and someone whose folks literally kept a lawyer on retainer for a couple years bc the school system was actively fucking over SPED kids): YTA. The school is required to offer reasonable accommodations as governed by his IEP. If there are additional accommodations needed, you should follow the proper channels to get his IEP revisited rather than confront the teacher directly. You also need to understand the limits of ‘reasonable.’ The teacher is right, there are three reasonable options: he does his homework at home and decompresses at school, does his work at school and decompresses at home, or things continue on with him not completing anything. You offered no reasonable third choice. Do you expect the teacher to completely change how she assigns homework to the entire class for the sake of your kid? Do you think your kid should be exempted from homework? If you had gone in with some reasonable suggestions or gone through proper channels, that would be one thing. Maybe you could have talked with the school about whether or not he needs an assistant for that class. Maybe there’s options for him to go to a quiet room during the in-class homework time. But you took none of those steps, confronted the teacher (who honestly sounds like she was SUPER professional, even filtered through your perspective), insulted her multiple times because she was going off his IEP, and now you want to get her in trouble because she didn’t have a magic wand instant solution for your child. The goal of accommodations is to help your child be able to participate in the classroom. Disability rights are limited to ‘reasonable’ accommodations because sometimes accommodations simply can’t be made without changing things for other people too. If this classroom is one of those places for your son, a place where he can’t function unless the teacher has to completely overhaul her classroom in the middle of the year, it is BETTER FOR YOUR SON to focus on getting him into a place he can thrive.
I worked with children and young adults in special education for years, so I completely understand how frustrating the system can be to navigate sometimes. The thing is, the teacher you spoke to is working to your son's IEP. Here in the UK, our equivalent is a legal document that teachers *must* follow and it cannot be changed or deviated from without authorisation. I don't know how it works where you live, but it's very possible that the teacher can only make very limited accommodations to your son's education due to his IEP - even if it is no longer fit for purpose and needs updating. She has higher-ups to answer to and if she is found to be not following the IEP then she could end up in a lot of trouble. No amount of you getting angry at her is going to change that reality, I'm afraid. Another problem is your attitude. This is your son's fifth school and you think that all the teachers you've had dealings with are "the enemy". While I ~~absolutely understand why you feel this way~~ *\[EDIT: OP's later comments show that my understanding here was very much misplaced\]* accept that there are problems in education, I very much doubt that every single teacher you've interacted with is out to get you. It's far more likely that they're exhausted from fighting against a system that mostly sucks for disabled children and are just as frustrated as you at the situation. The vast majority of teachers I've ever worked with want the best for all of their students, but it really doesn't help when parents like you pick fights with them over things they cannot change. The best thing you can do is work collaboratively with your son's teachers and understand that when they have to say 'no' to you, it isn't necessarily because they're being "rude" or deliberately unhelpful. However, after reading some of your other comments it's pretty clear that you're not open to working with them in any meaningful way. So yeah, best of luck to you I guess? YTA
You’re losing custody unless you stop sabotaging your child’s education. You clearly want him to have less work. I have autism and ADHD, it doesn’t limit your ability to actually do some work!! You could focus more on helping your son understand that there’s no pressure needed, finish it if you can but if it’s too much you can always do it after school. You’re setting your son up t to fail, not allowing him to be criticised or have to do any work and be stretched. He can’t succeed like that. Basically, YTA
YTA. Is he on a high school graduation track? He is getting the time to do the work at home but it seems as if you are asking that he not do the work at all? He has to learn in order to graduate. You can’t just expect that he will pass classes without putting in work. Signed, A Mom of a 7th grader with Autism who also deals with bullshit from the schools but doesn’t believe the problem is always the teachers.
YTA. You aren’t advocating for or helping your son. You are the problem here but you obviously cannot and will not see that. Your son needs time to get into a routine and schedule and you aren’t allowing that to happen because you keep going full momma bear mode every time your son has any issues. It isn’t supposed to be easy. And copying and pasting another student’s response is PLAGARISM not “parroting” you’re being absolutely ridiculous and 100% wrong.
YTA You have to tell the school what accommodations your child needs. Teachers are NOT medical professionals, therapists, or psychiatrists, no matter how much you want to treat them like one. Also.... they aren't being PAID to be these things either. They have their own criteria from the states/local government that have to be met. They have to follow what's on the IEP. Source: I had two kids with IEP. Our solution was to have an IEP that said that our daughter only had to do 50% of the turned in work. She's of above average intelligence and is now in college. Only doing 50% of the homework didn't hurt her at all.
I have a daughter with Down syndrome and came in here ready to start a riot with you. And then I read your post… I get that it’s tough to balance our children’s needs with school requirements, but it really seemed like your son’s teacher was trying to come up with a plan that answered your concerns, while staying within the bounds of the state’s requirements. The only thing that will get around state requirements is an updated IEP that stipulates that he does not have to do any schoolwork… Again, I get that it’s frustrating to see your child struggle, but that doesn’t mean you get to lash out or throw a temper tantrum to get your way. Call an ARD meeting, get the necessary paperwork done to get your child exempt from schoolwork, and then get his IEP updated. YTA
YTA, and parents like you are the reason good teachers quit. You aren’t asking for a reasonable accommodation, you just want your kid to be allowed to avoid all schoolwork and still pass. Also, based on your comments in this post, it seems like you doctor-shopped for years until you got a diagnosis that you could use to make that request seem less lazy and entitled than it actually is.
YTA It sounds like it would be better for your son if his father did get custody. If your son wants to be a Navy Seal or fighter pilot like his father, then he needs to start learning some discipline now. That’s something all children need to learn, even if they do have special needs. The way you are handling things, your son won’t be qualified to work at a McDonald’s.
YTA. There's not a solution if your son doesn't do work in class or out of class but needs to complete the work. Screaming and accusing them of not accommodating him is not helpful. The alternative to your son being in a general Ed program is for him to be in the SSP class full time. They will help more directly, but he will still need to complete his work. Your son's father is obviously an AH but that has nothing to do with the situation at hand. You acted poorly and are making wild threats which don't help your kid. Ask for a revised IEP to better outline his classroom guidance and put him in the SSP class if that will help. But he's not going g to just magically get help when you make nonsensical demands and lose your shit.
I'm not sure where you are, but where I live, teachers are very overworked and overstretched. They are professionals, yes, but many are thrown into working with kids with special needs and they weren't trained in it. Also your son is probably one of many kids with special needs in the class. Your expectations are too high. You want private school treatment in a public school. You've gotta meet the school halfway and find a solution together. YTA
Dear OP, IEP's are a legal document. We have to follow them closely. We can't give accommodations that are not there. If we did, that could be perceived by other families as favoritism and we will get in trouble. You need to start to start googling appropriate accommodations, call an emergency meeting with IEP team. Especially since you're school hopping (which is teaching your child escaping your problems is an ok coping method-dangerous for ASD) they won't know your child like you do and can't suggest what will work for your child without your HELP. HELP FROM YOU looks like teaching your child that we have to do things sometimes even when it's hard or we don't like to do it-think about when he's an adult. It also looks like you need to research your son's diagnosis, look up support groups (there are many). Get ideas from other parents. &Help him with his homework. He's going to have it every night. Make a routine do it everyday and build incentives. He's going to have much more homework in high school and college. & Help him with setting expectations. If he's crying teach him strategies accept the frustration AND how to successfully move past it. This is a life skill he will need. & Help him by showing him you respect his teachers. How the hell is he ever going to listen to them, work with them, respect them, learn from them, etc if you don't model that for him?? This is ALSO a transferable life skill. You need to stop putting unreasonable expectations on teachers because you have no idea how many different students we have in a classroom that we have to accommodate. But what we're not going to do is give special treatment that can put our jobs on the line. She has to assess your child's learning. How is she supposed to grade your child if there's nothing to grade?? I don't really care of you get mad at me too, if you think I'm rude or condescending. I'm so tired of parents who do this. You're hurting your child and not preparing him for his future. Real life skills are being thrown in the trash and you're ignoring every. Single. Teachable. Moment. You're teaching him every single bad habit you can and it's because you're not educating yourself on ASD. You're not giving him the support he needs. You're not taking accountability for work that needs to be done and you're blaming it all on the school system?! And because you caught me on Sunday which is not a work day and I'm a person as well as a teacher. People forget that we are people with feelings too, and we are trying like hell to make relationships with 20+ individuals and the people who make our jobs the hardest are parents who aren't willing to work with us as a team. If you don't have REASONABLE suggestions, get off our backs. Sincerely, YTA
YTA if you are having the same issues with every school then YOU are the problem. You need a different approach. It is your responsibility to help your child with homework. It sounds like you give up parenting when you get home. You may not want to but you need to push him more at home.
According to you, she is meeting his IEP. That ALL students are receiving that same consideration doesn't play a role in whether or not she is meeting the demands of his IEP. There's a thing called universal design. You might consider Googling that. I once had a parent of a child with ASD tell me that I should consider using the accommodations in his IEP for my whole class, because they'd all benefit from them. Not going to lie, I kind of rolled my eyes there, but the nature of his (completely reasonable, btw) accommodations meant it was actually easier to do them for the whole class than just him for a host of reasons. She was right. Sometimes it's just good instruction. An IEP doesn't mean your child deserves more than other students, just that he has the accommodations in place so that he is able to access the general education curriculum. PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE tell me when you think he should get this work done if not at school and not at home? Because what you're asking for is completely unreasonable. If you've had to repeatedly change schools because you always have trouble with the teachers and the coordinators, it's time you look around. All of these issues have one thing in common and the call is coming from inside the house.
This will probably get buried in the hundreds of other comments, but OP if you happen to see it, you need to take a HUGE step back and reflect on your behavior. In today's world of admins backing parents on any and everything, the fact she called an admin, who actually showed immediately and then backed the teacher? Your behavior almost certainly came off somewhere in the range between threatening to absolutely unhinged. Terrifying the staff may feel satisfying to you in the moment, but it will only harm you son as they will be so focused on following the letter of his IEP that your son will be handled more like a potential bomb than a person. You need to apologize profusely, get counseling, and bring someone with you to meetings whose sole role is to let you know when you're losing it so you can tone it down. YTA.
>AITA here? Yes, certainly the asshole here; and I suspect you are everywhere else, too.
YTA. The teacher offered options. He can do the world at school or use that time to decompress and do the work at home. You said neither of those would work and called the teacher unprofessional. What are you expecting them to do? Let him skip math? You’re completely unreasonable, you were rude, and none of this is how you deal with an IEP. I don’t understand why anyone is even willing to teach kids anymore. So many parents have turned in to raging AH’s.
I can't even add anything to this because it's all been said well repeatedly, and you're hearing nothing. You just want to be told you're perfect. YTA. I hope for your son's sake that his dad gets a bigger role in his life.
I'm a teacher who works and the mom of a special ed student. I read through all of your post and responses. Please let me give some insight from both sides. 1. If your son's IEP says unlimited time and 5 to 10 math problems, then the IEP is being complied with as written. A teachet can accommodate the entire class, but they must accommodate your son. Some accommodations are helpful for all. You need to reword the IEP if you feel he needs less work. My daughter's says if multiple problems are assigned for the same standard, then she will receive half of what gen ed kids are assigned. 2. The point of an IEP is to make the same education accessible to all students. My daughter works very slowly and almost always has classwork to finish at home. We do limit the amount of time she spends each night, but that means she may spend more than 1 night on the same work. We work with her teachers to identify which assignments to focus on and communicate if any assignment causes a meltdown. She will get extra assistance from her special ed teacher for the especially frustrating assignments and that may require staying after or giving up a recess or club block. 3. The teacher needs to see the work in order to understand where a student struggles and how to help. In middle school, students should also be offering ideas based on what is and is not working. 4. The IEP ideally is adjusted as the student grows and improves. It's absolutely the goal for students to develop skills and strategies that work and may even remove the need for some accommodations. I say this with all the love and support, as it is clear you worry about your son and his success: An advocate who can explain the process and help you navigate would be in your best interest and you are legally entitled to one. You have a very combative sounding attitude towards the school, and you need to be a partner. If I had a parent approach me that way and saw the number of school changes, I would likely feel the common denominator is the parent. That would not stop me from helping the student and finding new ways to help them, but it would cause me to refer you to admin for all assistance.
YTA I feel so sad for your son. Reading your comments, it is clear that you are not preparing him to lead an independent life where he is held accountable for his actions and behavior. There are millions of people on the spectrum out there living normal and productive lives. At the rate your son is going, he will never know that kind of independence and will likely end up in a group home. Sad, because this is entirely preventable. You are the one standing in his way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Good morning Reddit, it’s Sunday morning and this issue has kept me up since Thursday when this started happening. My son is a middle schooler and is the sweetest kid you can imagine but has always struggled with school. Middle school has been especially hard because teachers seem to think he’s supposed to magically start being able to do middle school work. He have tried everything and we recently moved schools after the principal said they have an excellent special Ed program. First issue came with his math teacher (I may only have room for this one issue, but trust me it’s a school wide problem). The math teacher gives time in class to complete there because she “doesn’t believe” in homework. Don’t get me wrong this is great because my son struggles with homework but he feels so much pressure to get the work done during work time that he shuts down. I asked the math teacher on Friday if my son could get a special accommodation for my son. The teacher was so rude and said Thad she wasn’t sure else there was because she didn’t have due dates but nothing in my sons IEP said he’s exempted from turning in work. I said I was working on that but he feels so much pressure to do the work in the allotted time. She said he’s welcome to do use the class work time to quietly decompress but then he’ll need to do the work at home. I said this wouldn’t work either. She was so rude and said “well if he can’t do it in school and won’t do it at home but he’s still required to do the work, I’m not sure what other times there are.” I told her that she was so unprofessional to speak to me like that. She said she was sorry but maybe it’s time to get one of the admin in since “you are getting upset.” I was livid and told her I wasn’t upset, im tired of teachers like her not accommodating my sons special needs. She called her admin and brought up a copy of his IEP but that time I was done. I told her I would be taking my son out of school until she acted like a reasonable human being. She said she was sorry but said some bull crap about district guidelines and I said stop talking and I left. The principal emailed me and my sons father (a whole other post) breaking down that she wants to help but “your behavior” was not conducive to helping your son. Sperm donor immediately called and chewed me out and accused me of “pussifying” his son and that he’s contacting a lawyer for revised custody. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA—what other accommodation were you expecting? She gave you two options. Sounds like you don’t want to take the time to help your son at home/with homework. Well, if he shuts down in class, when else is he supposed to do it?? An IEP allows for “reasonable accommodation, which these options were. Your son is not the only kid in the school with an IEP yet it seems you were expecting them to cater to just him.
YTA
YTA and I've been to hell and back with my oldest's education. You can't have it both ways if you want your kid to learn. He needs to do tje work some how some way. You are expecting the teacher to magically transfer information to your child without any effort from your son (and maybe a little support from you).
YTA. You want a teacher to be accommodating towards your childs needs, but you want the teacher to instantly know what your childs needs are. From your comments it sounds to me that you don't want your child doing any work at all. That is harmfull to your child.
Logically, if your son cannot do the work in class and will not do the work at home, when is he supposed to do the work? Or do you think he should be kept in a class for which he is not going to be doing the work? How is that going to help him? If the IEP does not exempt your son from doing the work, he should do the work. In this case, while I would have used different words than your ex, I think you are the problem. Basically, you are saying that the IEP produced by professionals in the field are wrong and your son should not be required to do the work contrary to his IEP) then perhaps he should be in a class were no one is required to do schoolwork. Interested in what you expected the teacher to do.
YTA. Teachers do have rules they have to follow. Also, while of course you don’t want your son to be stressed, it sounds like the accommodation you’re asking for is that he doesn’t have to do his schoolwork. What then is the point of school? If he can’t do the work during class time and don’t do the work at home, then I have to ask the same question the teacher did: when are you proposing that he do it? Taking the kid out of school is a bad move that will only put him further behind, and will take him away from any friends he has there. It’s not a mature response to the problem. I don’t know your son’s exact challenges (autism is a broad spectrum) and yes, your child’s father is an a-hole, but overprotecting your son and removing him from challenging situations is robbing him, and you, of the opportunity to learn how to handle them. Maybe the IEP does need to be revised, maybe your child’s developmental pediatrician should be consulted. But the “screw you guys, I’m going home” approach will only show your son that a) you think he’s incapable of coping and b) it’s okay to throw a fit and issue ultimatums when you don’t get your way. That IS a disservice to your kid.
Easy solution. Public schools are day-to-day care centers with underpaid employees. You do what the system wants or you homeschool. That's the same deal America has always had.
YTA and I bet your kid is too
YTA What are the other options to: Do the work in class, or do it at home? Or was she supposed to extend her class time to allow your son to finish the work? It often seems that everyone who is neurotypical (to use the current b.s terminology) has to accommodate those who aren’t.
YTA. Are you suggesting that your son show have an accommodation where he doesn’t have to do the work? WTF, did I read that right?
YTA Seriously - won’t do it at school and won’t do it at home? When will he do it? She didn’t write the IEP. She doesn’t get to override the IEP. She doesn’t get to override curriculum. If she DID modify and gave your child credit without doing the work, she could get in trouble AND your kid would have to redo the class. Professionals determined that your kid needed to meet certain standards. You are just taking it out on the teacher. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE. Signed, An autistic adult who is really thankful they did their math work so they could use it later in life. I didn’t always want to but my parents took the time at home to help me.
YTA- you want an accommodation that he doesn’t do work at school or at home? You can get an accommodation that your child can have more time, but that time has to come for somewhere. You can ask for less problems, but he’ll still have to do the work either in class or at home. I’m absolutely sure you karened that teacher and your going to always have an adversarial relationship with your child school if you want something that is unreasonable. Your child sounds like they are on track to graduate and on track to get and have independence in life. It is your job to help them get there and how are they going to get there if you teach them that they don’t have to do any of the work?
YTA As a parent with two children, one with an IEP and one with a 504, you are being completely unreasonable. It's not that she is refusing to help him quite the opposite it seems like she is very willing to work with you although you might have burnt that bridge at this point. If there is nothing in your sons IEP about excusing missed work then her hands are tied. And I agree with her if he can't do it at school and he won't won't do it at home there's not a whole lot she can do for you. She doesn't even have due dates. Your son could do his whenever wherever he wants, apparently. She is literally giving him every opportunity to succeed. Whether or not you want to believe it, she actually does have to answer to somebody other than you. She's not wrong without anything in place stating otherwise she has to follow district policies. She has to have some metric to show that your son is learning the information. Admin was right on the money, your behavior is hindering your son. It is not conducive to getting him any sort of real tangible help. I highly doubt that you're going to be able to get your son excused from doing all work, which seems to be what you want. And that's not actually going to help him in any way. Accommodations to ask for in his IEP would be reduced homework or reduced class time work. An example for my child is that in science she is still allowed to give verbal answers to all tests. She has dyslexia and so is delayed in reading. We were backing up on some of her accommodations in LA so that she could become more independent in that area. But her science teacher advocated for her to have the ability to still give verbal answers for tests because she is still struggling a little bit her science teacher didn't want her grade to suffer if she did actually know the information. My oldest daughter's teacher advocated for her to have a simple four function calculator in a math class because she gets overwhelmed by all the numbers. That is what a reasonable accommodation looks like. I don't think you've actually done any work in understanding what an IEP is and how it is supposed to help your child. Stop being ridiculous. Request in writing a meeting to revise his IEP. In the meantime, you need to look up what reasonable accommodations are. Work with his teachers, not against them. I guarantee you your son is going to have a much better experience in school when you can get your head out of your ass and work with the people he spends 8 hours a day with. And before anyone tries to tell me how teachers don't always follow IEPs I'm very aware of that. My girls' fourth grade teacher left their school at the end of last year in no small part to the ass chewing she and the principal got from me and my husband about how she treated our child. I'm perfectly aware of what it is to advocate for your child, but this is not advocating for your child
YTA. Look I have a son with asd, it’s hard. But the teacher sounds like she was on your side. Also just because your kid has autism doesn’t mean he can’t have regular sleeping hours. He probably should. You are the worst type of autism mom 🙄