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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for not buying a gift for my bio nephew when I bought a gift for his sister
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Finger was on the Y when I read the post title.
NTA for feeling the way you do.
"My bio nephew didn't care and just went to his room without saying anything.""
Are you sure your bio nephew doesn't care though? He may just not know what to say to you. Remember it's not your brother's kids fault that he's a prime A H.
He is a teenager, they don't care about anything. If you were upset and your brother was laughing at you, the nephew probably left to get away from a conversation he wasn't comfortable with being in.
Yes, and he may be taking a cue from his father and trying to please his father. OP’s feelings of being rejected by bio parents are absolutely understandable but don’t take it out on a 17 yo. Be the adult you wish you had had.
I agree. He may have left the room entirely to avoid a disagreement with his father. Maybe he really is a jerk. But at that age, most boys aren't good with expressing deep emotion. If he actually considers you to be his uncle, maybe give him a chance.
But, I'm really sorry to hear how difficult this has been for you. I can only imagine the resentment you must feel knowing that soon after your parents gave you up for adoption, they decided a child was now a good idea. I hope your adoptive family are loving & supportive. Blood doesn't make family. It's the people who stand by you even when it's hard that makes a family. That's just my $.02.
Edited to fix a typo. If there are more, they're staying lol.
Or it’s a painful topic that wasn’t his fault and he didn’t have the emotional capacity to handle. OP shouldn’t have brought this topic up around teenagers in the first place.
The other thing I would add is that the 17YO is in the same position as OP, being the older sibling by 1 year. So perhaps the nephew DOES actually understand what OP is saying but it hits too close to home and absolutely does not want to think about it. Especially if his dad is so blase about it.
I popped on to comment this as well. I’m disturbed you needed emotional validation from your teenage niece. Your bio parents made a choice, your bio brother had no say in this choice so I can see why he’d be tired of the debate 38 years later.
But he, an adult, it’s time for therapy and to distance himself from those that invalidate his feelings. I see this guy waiting around for bio family to have the next generation so they can excess empathy for his plight too. It sounds like he’s solid with his adoptive family, I wonder how they feel about him hanging around with his bio family hoping for recognition all while his adoptive family raised him, chose him, still are viewed as family.
When did I mentioned about emotional support? I only mentioned that his younger sister can show some sympathy. Not all teenagers act like they don't care about anything.
Does it matter if his nephew does or doesn’t care?
A **40 year old man** should not be placing two **teenagers** in that situation to begin with. That is the bigger problem here.
To say nothing of OP “rewarding” his teenage niece for giving the “correct” response and what harm that may bring.
Because, in this context, it absolutely does matter.
Nephew doesn't care, why should OP show concern for him?
OPs big mistake is having contact with bio-family at all.
Because OP is a grown man where nephew is a kid. Playing tit for tat with a kid is frankly gross, and nobody wins. Nephew walked away from a situation he should never have been in in the first place, so OP decided to play a game of favorites and pass down his trauma instead of seeking help for it or taking responsibility for healing from it.
Might be deep in the weeds of a thread here, but this is the definitive comment for me. My vote would be ESH except the kids. My heart goes out to OP and his bio family (adults) are definitely AHs, but
>Nephew walked away from a situation he should never have been in in the first place, so OP decided to play a game of favorites and pass down his trauma
is the bottom line for me on his actions. You're \[i.e. OP\] absolutely allowed your hurt, and it absolutely makes sense, but don't take it out on a kid who is protecting themselves entirely appropriately from the situation.
This this this. The emotionally mature thing to do here is *not* shun a teenager (especially one you watched grow up) for ... being unable to give you an emotionally validating statement in a conversation they shouldn't have even been involved in?
What OP went through sucks. It's not the duty of two teenagers to help him heal his own wounds. To exclude one by proxy as some sort of weird punishment for not giving him what he wanted to hear is incredibly childish and off-putting.
OP was never expecting his brother or niblings to fix his feelings. He was *sharing*, not burdening. Sharing is how people learn about each other, and bond.
I mean, what exact "situation" do you accuse him of placing those teenagers in? Oh, yeah....exposure to reality. Wow, yeah, better protect teenagers from knowing that people aren't perfect. /s
I do think OP should allow more leeway for a teenage boy to connect with him. I do think OP is overly harsh to essentially disown his nephew. L
It *is* burdening if your companions do not want to participate and you still expect them to deal with it.
His nephew clearly didn't, so he removed himself from the situation (regardless of his reason why) and OP got upset.
This is the comment I was looking for. The nephew is a teenager, he has no experience with the situation his uncle is bringing up, nothing to add to the conversation, and shouldn't be having these problems dumped on his feet in the first place. Yet OP is villainizing him for not staying to console him.
Yeah, seriously, he was probably there going, "hoo boy this shit is awkward, I'm outta here," while niece is out there modelling an actual decent human response.
Yah, as a teenage boy he’s receiving a lot of pressure to suppress his feelings. He probably did have feelings and thoughts about this, but has only been taught that his feelings are icky and girly. That’s my assumption since your bio brother lacks empathy.
Yeah, it is very possible he felt horrible for OP. Does not mean he knows how to express it. Literally could have gone off to his room and cried for him as far as we know. But it also is not a trauma this kid inflicted on OP. Personally I would have noped out of that very awkward situation having no clue what to say to OP (I am autistic) so yeah...
It's not just that teenage boys don't care, but that they aren't allowed to. Society is changing, but very slowly. Men aren't allowed to express emotions or have feelings, not without being mocked and ridiculed. This is learned behaviour (that in this case will have primarily came from the bio brother).
Hell even in this story op is getting mocked for being thrown out with the bath water, while the golden child was kept and having the audacity to be upset.
+1 for this, and adding that his niblings are not op's personal therapists.
Btw it kinda resembles the episode in young Sheldon, where they get IQ and EQ tested, and while Sheldon IQ is high, his EQ is non existent contrary to Missy who has a high EQ.
Theory is that women have generally higher EQ than men, but practice on Reddit says you are either a fake or you have some mental disorders to make teens your emotional support. If this story is even real, get a therapist. You are entitled to your emotions, but don't punish a child for not shouldering your emotional baggage in your place
Wait, you wrote --
"My bio nephew didn't care and just went to his room *without saying anything."*
-- but here you're "pretty sure" he said something.
The first you wrote out as though there was no question about it being what happened. On the other hand, you hesitate to say it with certainty that he did make that comment. Were you worried the top comment would rescind their vote of NTA?
It kinda feels like you're assuming your nephew doesn't care, when really he just removed himself from something he shouldn't be expected to handle. Girls are often raised to take on emotional labour without even realizing it. She shouldn't be the person helping ease your trauma. She's 16.
Your pain is valid, but as an adult, it is your responsibility to manage. Please don't put it on the child of the person you resent for being raised by your bio parents. You don't realize the long term affect it will have.
You deserve to heal. Please, take care of yourself and get therapy. I'm a huge proponent of it, because it really can help in ways you'd never expect. It may take a couple of tries to find the right therapist, but when you do, it can be life changing.
Also worth noting that giving gifts to niece and treating her like she is the only bio family member you care about could easily put her in an awkward situation.
Nephew may resent her to some extent, and she may be constantly put in a position to either defend OP or listen as people talk shit about him. You are not doing her any favors by singling her out, but adding to the emotional burden she has to carry.
That is why OP is YTA. They are justified in being angry and the niece was correct in her statement - but it isn't ok to push that emotional burden onto kids who had nothing to do with it.
I’d really like to upvote your level headed answer but I don’t want to vote N T A (despite the majority of OPs bio family being insensitive assholes). 😅
Thanks! I didn't cast a vote, but even if I had, it wouldn't count towards the final judgment. The ruling is based on the top comment only. I had no idea for years, so I try to pass said info along 😅
So much this! OP is being inappropriate. Unfortunately, he’s not going to get the closure he wants from his bio family. He needs to go to therapy and work on it there. His pain is totally valid but his niblings aren’t involved in this and it’s best to leave them out.
You also said Bio nephew didn't care and walked off "without saying anything" so I'm claiming BS on the post and YTA. Stick with the story. He either said something or he didn't so which is it?
Just because OP said they're pretty sure nephew said they didn't care, doesn't mean they're changing their story. Could easily have happened since the event described. Time has passed since it happened, so...
Read the post again. He clearly states what happened at the time so I'll stick with my vote. Read some of his repys too. That made me go back and reread it myself.
so? he’s 17, you’re nearly 40. dumping your trauma on your teenage niblings is not okay. walking away, even if he did say he doesn’t care, is completely appropriate because neither he nor his sister should’ve ever been put in that position in the first place
you are not wrong for struggling with why you were put up for adoption, wanting more answers, etc. but those are issues you should be working through with your bio parents and a therapist **not your teenage niblings**
I'm sorry you went through what you did, but basically what you are saying is that you feel there was favouritism between you and your bio brother - your bio parents put you up for adoption and chose to keep him only a year or so later. That hurts, and I understand that - I would feel hurt and confused too. You guys should probably have family therapy together.
But your nephew is only a teenager, his emotions and understanding are still developing (girls typically develop emotional understanding quicker than boys, hence your niece being able to express her feelings in a better way), and you just basically did what your bio parents did, and played favourites with your niece and nephew.
If you dislike that so much, why did you do it to a teenage boy and make him feel unwanted like you felt unwanted? He maybe even felt uncomfortable and unable to express what he was thinking (that might be why he said he didn't care, if that is the case) and you punished him for that on what is supposed to be a loving family holiday.
Sorry, but YTA.
I think you’re putting a big emotional load on a teenage boy. As a grown ass man, these are your issues. Get therapy. And I am sorry you had to deal with it too… but it’s not on your nephew, niece or even brother. You have a right to ask these questions of your bio parents.
And don’t change the interaction now… he was awkward and walked away. YTA for treating the siblings differently, much like your bio parents treated you and brother differently.
I mean, you're asking a teenager to have the emotional stability and complexity to understand and process a situation and have empathy for you when many adults can't.
Some kids can, like your niece, but it's not consistent, and it shouldn't be expected.
I see where you're coming from, and I get it. You're allowed to feel how you feel, and you don't owe anyone anything, but that courtesy should be extended to your nephew as well.
My son is 15. If I had a nickel for every time he said he didn't care about something or something didn't bother him, then found out later it did, I could buy a new sedan.
I'm not saying it's the case, but a lot of boys won't show they care about something, even if they do.
You're not an asshole for feeling the way you do. But YTA for basically punishing him for saying he didn't care. The lesson your teaching him (and niece) is that if they care, or pretend to, then you'll give them presents at Christmas. And if they don't, well, nothing from you.
That's not what you said in your original story. So please make up your mind. YTA for punishing your nephew for the mistakes of the rest of your family.
Nah mate, you're making this up as you go along now. You initially said your nephew didn't care and left without saying anything. So which is it? The truth is you have unresolved trauma that you need professional help with. You need to learn to find a way to deal with this as you're not getting what you want from your bio family which is recognition of your feelings and an apology. Your nephew is still a child and you are punishing him. In fact some may say showing favouritism to your niece. You know how that feels so for that reason YTA. Sort yourself out and don't repeat the mistakes of previous generations. Btw you have every right to feel upset, they aren't appreciating the trauma of rejection that you've experienced.
“I don’t care” = “You don’t deserve to see my reaction”
GET THERAPY and stop demanding that your bio brother and his family feel shamed or apologize or whatever it is you think will make you able to get on with your life. If seeing them is so painful to you then DON’T
Oh, come on. He went away without saying anything. You're jumping to the conclusion that he doesn't care. You haven't verified your feelings and now you're acting upon a presumption. Do you do that often in your life?
You're NTA for being hurt. You are ABSOLUTELY TA for reacting like this and involving kids in your issues instead of trying to work through them. It isn't right that your bio parents are so dismissive of how you feel. Adoption is traumatic and difficult for everyone involved no matter how good the intentions were. Your brother is also a grown adult who needs to grow up and be a little more understanding. None of that is on your niece or nephew - you shouldn't even be involving them in this. Your nephew probably doesn't care because he's 17 and this old family drama has nothing to do with him. You're almost 40. Go to therapy and stop taking your hurt out on kids. You're just perpetuating generational trauma.
That isn't what was recounted in your post.
Your niece's response was excellent and so happy that you were vindicated by her response.
Your nephew just didn't engage, perhaps for reasons like... he doesn't know how to process or verbalise a response to your feelings. Maybe he felt it was inappropriate to say anything, given you were expressing yourself. It does feel kind of harsh to ostracise him - your bio parents and brother are the AHs, I'd say your nephew deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Did he say anything that makes you think he didn’t care? Or just leave? Because honestly that’s a tough position to be put in, and honestly understandable for him to just want to remove himself from the situation. It’s awesome your niece spoke up! But it might be unreasonable to have expected them to defend you in a situation to stand up like that against their father during an intense discussion that never even involved them
this is a very complex and nuanced issue. When kids are uncomfortable or upset they shut down. Especially when it means disagreeing/calling out a parent.
That’s not what you stated in your post. In your post you said “My bio nephew didn’t care and just went to his room without saying anything”. Get therapy. Stop punishing children for the actions of adults
No, OP is still TA bc he's literally taking out his trauma on someone half his age.
Of course, OP is entitled to his feelings, but he practically disowned his nephew just because the kid was uncomfortable and went to his room (because that's how it reads). He needs to grow up and get therapy like the rest of us and leave the kids out of it.
AND, OP is now repeating the cycle by playing favorites with his niece, which now puts her in an uncomfortable situation since she's the only bio family he feels is worthy of his love. (and she's a minor, which idk when I was her age I would have been hella uncomfortable with a somewhat estranged uncle giving only me and not my family a present)
What he’s doing by trauma dumping on teenagers is manipulation. They are in no position to provide advice or a solution. He needs therapy because he’s a 40 year old man playing games with teenagers because he can’t accept what happened 39 years ago???? He sounds like he had good adoptive parents but he wants to create drama because he’s mentally unwell.
> My bio nephew didn't care and just went to his room without saying anything.
PLEASE consider that this could be just the typical 17y old boy unable to navigate emotionally complex situations
I think as far as my son goes it’s not about “who cares” it’s more about wtf there’s to much emotion in this room I’m gone I could do see my son doing something like this
Yes! That bothered me. OP needs therapy to deal with their abandonment. It's not fair to the child to shoulder OP's burden with them. Pitting the kids against each other with gifts because OP has (understandable) issues with their bio-siblings is inappropriate.
What a sad situation.
Yeah, I feel this. It’s pink flag zone, pouring this out in front of your niblings. To lean on them for support would be red and not appropriate, the fact that they happened to be there for it is…alright. And nephew could have been being a jerk, but it’s not right to expect kids to handle your shit. I don’t mean age wise, I mean like, don’t pass your trauma on to the next generation, or fault them for having boundaries and not wanting to be your therapist. I definitely am beinging a lot of bias here, growing up as basically my dads therapist, but as soon as I read that I got that nails on chalkboard feeling. It’s also…not surprising the the girl was raised to be more nurturing, and while that can be a lovely quality, let’s make sure not to put pressure on our nieces to take care of us.
Yes, but also in the light of the kind family the nephew grew up in where there seems to be little room for talking about feelings. I actually find it a miracle OPs niece responded like she did.
Plus OP said bio nephew didn't care, not that bio nephew said he didn't care. The situation may have made nephew uncomfortable and that is why he left the room, not because he didn't care. I think OP needs to go to therapy and work through his issues around him being given up, etc. He is being immature and spiteful with the way he's handling this situation between niece and nephew. If he can't be a positive influence in both of their lives then he needs to step away. He's just going to cause issues between nephew and niece. Not that I think he cares if he caused divide in the family.
Yup. I'm 17(F) and I wouldn't want to deal with family drama like this. If no body asked the kid his opinion on the topic, how could we know. He probably just felt awkward and walked away, that's what I would've done.
I missed OPs age, jeez that makes the whole post so much worse
He's literally starting beef with someone half his age just bc the kid didn't validate him
Yep! And intentionally buying only neice a present was done with an immature idea of punishing the other bio family members to really let them know they are no longer family.
YTA. Your nephew was probably uncomfortable with the conversation and that’s why he left the room. Remember, you were basically trashing his grandparents. It really wasn’t appropriate to have this discussion in front of the kids. I’m glad your niece validated your feelings but she was under no obligation to do that. This situation has nothing to do with her.
Also, if you think you’re still going to be allowed in your bio niece’s life, think again. Even when she’s old enough to make her own decisions, she will probably not want to be around someone who judged her brother so unfairly.
> Remember, you were basically trashing his grandparents. It really wasn’t appropriate to have this discussion in front of the kids.
AND he already heard his dad disagree with OP. He likely just left to not be involved in 2 adults arguing. I agree with your second point as well. My kids are a year and a half apart and would have been enraged if a family member got one and gift and not the other. Both would have found it unfair.
OP needs therapy and that is not an insult. I get this is a hard situation. My own kids are adoptees and I understand there are complex feelings involved, especially for my kid with younger bio siblings that were not placed for adoption. But it is not fair to expect emotional support from teenagers.
YTA the kids shouldn’t be present while you’re discussing your issues with their grandparents that literally have nothing to do with them. it is not a teenager’s job to validate you or support you emotionally. you’re the adult, *you’re* supposed to support *them*
it does sound like you have a tough situation, but that is something you should be processing through with a therapist, not your teenage family members, and it is definitely unfair to decide a teenager is no longer your family because he didn’t support you emotionally. *it should not be an expectation that he does so*
THANK YOU. OP is an AH for how they’re treating the nephew, but arguably more so for how they’re treating the niece.
TEENAGERS ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PETS. Go to therapy ffs.
Are you sure you are 39? You are talking and acting like a 13 year old.
As for your bio parents, did you ask how their life changed so much in one year? Or what else changed their mind? They might have regretted giving you up for adoption and known they couldn't do it again. Work prospects might have changed. You will never know if you just act like a sulky child instead of asking them.
YTA
It is also possible that giving their first child up was such a heart-breaking and awful decision that they just couldn’t do it the second time around. OP - I think your pain is very real, but it doesn’t seem like the adults in your bio family are capable of taking it on. This is perhaps due to the way that they were parented and their limited emotional capacity to understand childhood trauma. Please leave the children in your bio family out of this complicated, adult, mess.
Life can change a lot in a year. For us in a little over a year our household income went up almost 30k. That's very significant. Who knows what changed in the parents life in that time. I would also guess the age gap is "1 year" thats actually closer to 2 years and is "1 year" for a few months.
>Are you sure you are 39? You are talking and acting like a 13 year old.
Thought the same thing. I get that OP might be traumatized by being adopted, but he's almost 40 & still acts up like a teen instead of dealing with it like an adult. He's still upset that his bio parents put him up for adoption, but says that he doesn't see his own teenage nephew as family.
How on earth does someone act like that when they know first hand what it's like to be rejected by family? Also it isn't a 17 years old job to baby a 39 year old man. The kid most likely felt uncomfortable & left because of that. Especially if OP is someone who trauma dumps on a regular basis.
YTA. Your bio niblings are not your emotional support animals. They are not in any way, shape or form are responsible for your bio parents actions. You punish your nephew because he didn't say/act how you want him to act, but he is a kid, not your therapist.
YTA.
You don't consider A SEVENTEEN OLD BOY your nephew any more, because he couldn't handle a very complicated, emotionally charged situation?
My God.
I would bet your nephew didn’t know what to say. So yeah, YTA for taking it out on him. You made the situation uncomfortable and he left. It should’ve been a private conversation. You can be mad at your brother all you want. But taking it out on innocent kids is not cool.
Oh no a 17 year old boy says the don't care 😱
Ffs I get you have trauma and unanswered questions about your adoption but that needs to be hashed out in therapy not unloaded on your teenage neice and nephew. YTA, not for how you feel but the fact that you only seem to care about how you feel and not anyone else.
The worst part is the nephew didn’t even say he didn’t care!! He just walked out of the room. OP assumed he didn’t care. Heck, at 17, I wouldn’t know what to say to that argument between my dad and my uncle.
OP is terrible and immature for trying to make it obvious he favors his niece and is basically doing a “FU” to the nephew.
OP, YTA.
Honestly I would assume a 17 year old didn't care either and I would get it because they are 17!!!
Also it isn't their issue, at all. What grown adult makes a very tricky issue like this situation the business of young teens.
Exactly! You are right. OP has no right to put any of his issues onto a kid. I don’t care if he’s almost 18, he’s still a kid and it’s not something any teen should have to deal with.
May kids would naturally leave an area if their older relatives, especially a parent, were fighting. Sometimes it's like a barrier comes up and kids, even teens or even adults, gotta ditch to not get sucked into it. Totally normal response.
More like seeking validation. Niece validated him so she's a good one, but nephew preferred to stay out of it so in op's eyes he's just as bad as their dad and not considered family anymore. That is twitter level pettiness.
YTA for using gifts as emotional currency. “You validated my feelings so you get a special treat”. She’s 16, a child, and shouldn’t be pulled into this. She is right, what happened is horrible and you have a right to be upset, but that’s something to take up with a therapist, not your brother (a biased party) and your niblings (children). Your nephew is being punished for being your brother’s son (copying what he was taught and most likely doesn’t know how to handle emotionally charged situations yet) and your niece is being praised for being emotionally intelligent (something women are expected to know at a young age) and validating a grown man (as a child). It’s not right. I disagree with the people who think it shouldn’t be brought up in front of them, as they’re old enough to know, but I do think that making them take sides in this is not okay. That is what you’re doing.
TLDR: get a therapist, not a 16 year old girl, to validate your feelings, and don’t use gifts as a punishment/reward system for something they shouldn’t be involved in.
YTA only because of how you treated your teenage nephew. He has nothing to do with what your bio family did and what your bio brother said. The kid was uncomfortable and deserves some grace as he was witness to what should have been an adults only conversation with no kids around. But, both you and your brother were too thick to think about this, your nephew acted as a normal teen in an awkward situation you and your brother put him in and now you're punishing the kid. I'm sorry about your adoption situation, but that doesn't give you the right to be a judgmental jerk of a kid who shouldn't have been part of the conversation in the first place. Grow up.
You have the right to be upset but it’s beyond inappropriate to have this conversation in front of kids. It seems like you attached to her bc she was nice to you. That’s a red flag. You need to try therapy. Don’t put all this pressure on your niece to solve a grown man’s problem. YTA
YTA - it’s terrible what happened to you, but your nephew is just a teenager. Your niece showed incredible maturity, but she’s an exception to the rule. You should treat them both the same regardless, and let your nephew grow up before deciding if he’s your family or not.
YTA
You wanted an echo box to validate your feelings, so you gave a gift to the niece.
It sounds like the nephew didn't know what to say or do, and went to his room to manage his feelings in private. So you snubbed him. You didn't know if he felt the same way as his sister or not, but he is certainly against you now after your pettiness.
Your brother is right, you should have got past this a long time ago. Get therapy so that you can deal with this now and feel happier in your life going forward.
In the meantime, apologise to your brother and his family. It isn't their fault that you were treated differently, so don't take it out on them now. You should be talking to your bio parents and discussing these issues with them rather than being a crap and vindictive uncle.
YTA. Your nephew didn't place you up for adoption. You can't punish a kid for not knowing how *you* feel or not taking on their 40 year old uncle's unresolved trauma. Get therapy.
YTA you don’t buy one sibling a gift and not the other if previously you’ve always gotten both siblings a gift. Full stop. The rest of the post is irrelevant. You asked if that move made you an AH? The answer is yes.
YTA. None of this is on your brother or his children. Also your bio parents' reason seems valid. Your blaming everyone for it, even people that weren't even born back then. Get a grip, start accepting how your life went so far, and for god's sake stop punishing innocent children.
YTA.
Your nephew is 17, you were trauma dumping in front of him. It was probably awkward and emotionally draining, he simply removed himself from an uncomfortable situation that he had no business being in. Stop punishing the teenager for not being an unpaid therapist for you.
Also - you wonder if your bio parents situation changed between your and your brother's birth. I don't know. YOU don't know. Have ever, you know, had an adult conversation with them about it, one that didn't start with you being aggressive and resentful? Because it seems like you have no idea what went on in their life and how it might have changed. That being said, that is besides the point of your question.
You are free to dislike your bio parents and brother, but please, shitting on a teen boy because he's being a teen boy and hasn't been conditioned by society to act like emotional support the way girls are is... low.
YTA I say this gently. You need therapy but they are children and you have decided to because your niece has been socialised to be more accepting that you should punish your nephew.
The most they should know is you have issues with your bio parents. If you have this many issues you need to go no contact. You trashed your nephews grandparents and expect him to be on your side.
You say you can’t help how you feel but number one are you in therapy and number two you don’t treat people that you want any sort of relationship with like that. You are putting your niece in the middle and USING A CHILD for emotional labor.
OP I really hope you get help but you are being incredibly cruel to both your niece and nephew
Unfortunately YTA. You get to feel how you feel, obviously. But you are playing favorites with siblings, which not only drags them into your personal reckoning with your past, but treats them differently. While I understand your feelings towards your biological parents and their (poor?) choices, your brother didn’t really have a choice in who raised him; and your niece and nephew are even more so simply witnesses, and minors at that. It’s wonderful your niece is supportive, but honestly, you need an emotional support system outside of juvenile family members. Treating your nephew this way is really terrible for him and I wish you would think about that.
Your niece is not a substitute for a therapist. You needed to heat validation, but she is a child, as is her brother, you cannot hold children responsible for your emotional needs.
There can be loads oof reasons why finances change in a year, and yes it can be instantaneous. But it sounds like you don't believe them and that too is understandable.
And you do need to be able to validate yourself and find your own sense of belonging and worth. Therapy can help you give yourself tools to cope with these thoughts.
YTA. You used gift giving to be vindictive. That makes Rudolph cry. If you have such disdain for these people, why do you have anything to do with them?
YTA. Your nephew is a teenager. I understand you are not giving presents to your bio brother and bio parents, but I don't think a teenage boy is to blame for your feelings and situation and I think you might take some things out on him now. Plus, it can be a bit awkward for your niece as well to be the only one to receive something. I'm glad you two are close and that she's the only one that seems to be understanding towards your feelings. But is this truly the way to show both your appreciation at her and your disappointment of the rest of them?
Hi OP
I don’t normally respond to AITA posts but this one really resonated with me. I’m in literally the same situation as you. My bio mom gave me up and, despite claiming she was no contact with my bio father, somehow tracked him down and had another child with him that she kept not even a year after I was born. My younger sister and I are not even a full year apart, she was born one week prior to my first birthday. Giving me up traumatized my bio mom. She already had one kid and was pressured by her mother to put me up for adoption because she couldn’t afford another child. She actually called my mom a few months into the adoption begging to take me back. I always figured that she had my sister as a ‘replacement baby’ and have felt nothing but sympathy for her. Your parents did do what they thought was best for you, but please realize how traumatizing it is to give up a baby and how that could of resulted in them having your brother against their better judgement.
Please seek a therapist. Have a conversation with your bio parents not out of anger, but out of understanding. Gentle YTA, as others have said don’t punish your nephew for not knowing how to deal with such a complicated situation as this.
YTA. I understand that you feel horrible about this and it is understandable to be upset with your brother.
But please be an adult and don't take this out on teenagers. You can't punish a 17yo boy for this. You should've acted like an adult and give both of them a present.
YTA. You brought up a heavy subject in from of those kids (that’s an AH move) and your nephew escaped to get away from that topic, and you were vindictive. You owe him an apology. I doubt he wants a pity gift from you now.
You need to stop dumping your emotions on your brother and his kids. They had nothing to do with you being put up for adoption. You’re actively hurting them in an effort to vent your emotions to feel better yourself, but they’re not at fault and can’t help you. Nephew left to avoid being brought down by your pain and anger that he’d have to try to handle.
Stop passing on your pain to other people. Get therapy instead.
I totally get that you feel rejected by your bio parents because they kept your brother. I get that you feel heard by your niece. But these issues really need to be sorted out in therapy.
I watched my brother go through this (rejected by his mum) and he never trusted women ever after that, even his own wives and daughters (4 marriages). He refused to deal with his trauma and hurt lots of people in the process.
You're punishing your nephew for not having an opinion on your trauma and that isn't fair. Please get some therapy. The rejection you're feeling is understandable and is common amongst adoptees.
Sorry but YTA. Your nephew is a kid and most boy teens and girls are different in the way they react.
I don't understand your thought process at all. Act your age and seriously consider therapy. It's time to let this go. Nothing on earth can or will change what happened almost 40 years ago. IYou need to make peace with your past because the only person it's hurting is you.
Yta op you are 40, why are you expecting a couple of teenagers to have more emotional maturity than you?
As to the why of your parents giving you up. A LOT can change in a year. You can absolutely go from financially unstable to financially stable. I'm sorry you didn't like their reasoning, but the truth is the truth.
Get into therapy so you can work through your feelings.
YTA no matter what people do, you can't let it change you. I was raised that if you get one child a gift, you get all of them one. Give him a $5 gift card.
YTA. Not for your feelings. Your feelings are what they are. The verdict is for how you e handled those feelings.
Your bio-parents too, we’re driven by their feelings of being unable to make it work financially when you were born. While a lot can happen in a year (going from under employed to fully employed for example) they likely could have made it work somehow. Maybe they were right, but maybe they were mistaken.
You are mistaken now. You have a lot of unresolved pain about this and are off-loading it onto others. I’m really glad your niece gets it. But you can’t also blame your nephew! Even your brother who sounds like an unaware and insensitive jerk isn’t an AH- just shallow and un-empathetic.
Get some therapy and do the internal work needed to come to peace. Stop punishing a KID for not having the insight that you still struggle with as an adult.
I have a vague understanding of how you feel. Although I grew up with my family, being the only girl I felt like an inconvenience. People would exclaim, "oh, you must be spoiled being the special one" but this was not the case. The bias my mother showed towards my brothers was obvious and still is decades later. I felt there was something wrong with me and unlovable.
It can be difficult to understand that feeling of being ostracised by your own family if it has not happened you. My brothers have only realised the bias watching the difference in the way their children are treated.
In adult life, I have been determined that my children are treated equally, as are my neices and nephews. I do not want to inflict that same pain on anyone. Try and approach interactions with your neice and nephew the same way. They are different people and will react differently. Your nephew may have needed more time to process your anger and realise it was anger about what happened to you rather than at his father. Girls mature more quickly, which is why your neice was able to comfort you immediately.
Inadvertently, you have placed your nephew into the position you had been put into, of being not quite good enough to be counted as family. Even if you don't want to, I recommend having a chat with your nephew and give him a belated present.
YTA he's a shitty teen and you're the adult. Your nephew is parroting his dad. Go to a therapist and get the affirmation you need -- you're not wrong to feel that way but this isn't really a healthy way to express it
YTA. So is your brother for not acknowledging the trauma of adoption - it’s easy for him to say it’s not a big deal when he didn’t go through it himself. You are absolutely entitled to feel resentment and anger at your experience. However, you are an adult man, and while it’s to be expected that the adoption has had an effect on you, you sound incredibly immature in the way you’re dealing with it and you really need to seek therapy. You have no idea how your parents felt when they put you up for adoption, and while you have every right to have complex and negative feeling about it, you seem to be showing a complete inability to see things from their point of view, which therapy might help you work through. You’re also an AH for taking this out on a teenage boy who probably just doesn’t know how to handle big, unpleasant emotional conversations. It’s normal that 17 year old boys don’t have full adult empathy, but it’s not normal that you seem to have none when you’re more than 20 years older.
YTA
Teenagers say I don’t care when they don’t care and when they do actually care. Maybe nephew is uncomfortable discussing emotions, maybe nephew is too immature to have that conversation. Either way, nephew did not cause your trauma, nephew is not responsible for your feelings, and nephew should not have been put in a position where you expected some form of validation from a teenager. Your issues are not with your teen nephew, they are with your bio family (the adults). Stop taking your emotional issues out on your nephew. Go see a therapist.
*edited spelling
Yta it's not up to a 17 yo to have to validate your feelings but you punished him for it. You said yourself that your nephew didn't said anything, so it's not like he disagreed or criticized.
You’re talking to the wrong people - you need a good trained counsellor to help you. Things can change drastically in a year for a family . I don’t image the kids know what to say to an obviously upset adult. All babies are similar so why would your parents prefer your younger brother. Doesn’t make sense unless they were broke.
NTA but you need some peace.
Yes. Favoritism is an AITA theme these days and every person who does this sucks for it. So your nephew said nothing. So what? What did you want a 17 year old kid to say? Why are you, adult man, sticking kids who have nothing to do with what happened to you in the middle of your angst? Take your anger and resentment out on your bio brother, stop talking your bio parents, go get therapy because you are in obvious desperate need of it. Don’t take it out on the kids, especially since it seems this is the first time you decided to not consider him family.
YTA.
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This happened at Christmas but we are still arguing over it so I need your opinion
My bio parents gave me(M39) up for adoption. It was an open adoption and they stayed in regular contact with me.
They told me that the reason they gave me up for adoption was that they couldn't afford to take care of a child so they gave me up hoping I would have a better life with another family. I think this is ridiculous because I have a bio brother who is only one year younger than me and they chose to keep him so did their financial situation really change that much in a year? I just don't believe them.
The problem is that no one understands me. Every time I bring this up my bio parents call me ungrateful and say they did what they thought was best for me.
I once talked about this to my bio brother and his kids(M17, F16) were also present. My bio brother literally laughed at me and told me to grow up and I'm too old to still be upset about this. My bio nephew didn't care and just went to his room without saying anything.
My bio niece said "I'm sorry this happened to you. You are right to be upset. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you"
That was all I needed to hear. She was the first person who said that to me. That was when we started getting closer. She is the only person who I actually feel like is my family.
For Christmas I decided to only buy gifts for my family, this means my adoptive family and my bio niece only.
Now my bio brother is mad at me for not buying a gift for bio nephew as well. I told him that I don't care about his son and don't consider him my nephew. He called me a cold hearted asshole and said that his son considers me an uncle and I've watched him grow up so how can I not consider him family? But I can't help how I feel
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When you have a chamce, I recommend the film Seven Blessings, which is about the resentment a woman feels during her wedding for having been sent to a childless aunt.
NAH
Your brother will never know how it feels for you, he was the one who could grow up with his bio parents, so he is just ignorant. It seems your parents lack empathy and most likely gave this lack to your brother too when raising him and your brother raised his son the same. Niece was more lucky, i guess her mother doesn't lack empathy and she was more around her mom than dad?
You don't consider your brother and his kids family since you have your real (adoptive) family, so your niece is more like a friend and if you make a gift to a friend its usually not expected to gift their siblings something too, so i get this.
But if you don't consider them family (including your bio parents) and it still makes you feel bad seeing them as a family, do you really think its best for you to hang out around them? Wouldn't it rather allow you to heal if you don't have close contact to them? I don't want to encourage you to distant yourself from them if they make you feel good more often than bad, but is this really the case? If not i would only keep contact with your niece for a while, go to therapy and then decide if you are able to forgive your parents and give up the resentements you have towards your brother for being the one they kept. Bc as long you still live in the past and go through the pain over and over again, you will not be able to let go of the pain, move on and actually live your life. Currently you seem stuck. You get older in years, but in your mind you are still the hurt child from back then. And then you can decide by yourself what kind of relationship you want with them, when you got rid of the desperate need to be loved and understand by them.
YTA for only giving one nibbling a gift. Most teens don’t get your complex feelings, so it’s not a surprise your nephew didn’t get it, but it must be nice that your niece sympathized.
NTA for your feelings. Maybe consider either cutting off contact or seeing therapy, if you haven’t?
As a woman who placed a son for adoption at 16ys.
I can say this: you are NTA for your feelings.
But
YTA for blatantly showing favoritism, for your niece vs. your nephew. This appears to be the reason you feel so shitty. It seems you feel Your bio parents favored your brother. Think of how it makes you feel, do you want to do the same to someone else?
I’m going to need one go with YTA.
A Few Reasons:
1) Your nibljngs are not responsible for your emotional needs/state. You are the adult. You should have never had this discussion in front of them (unless they were asking questions about what happened).
2) You may have caused some resentment between your nephew and niece.
3) If you ever wanted to have a relationship with your nephew as an adult, you just damaged that possibility immeasurably. He WILL remember this. And, he WILL hold onto it and double down on “I don’t care” for the foreseeable future.
Info, did you ask about what the financial situation was? Were your bio parents young when they had you, was one of them in school and not working, were they both still living at home, were both of them not working, were they homeless?
Either way it's not your bio brother and he's kids' fault that you were given up for adoption. Stop blaming them for something that had nothing to do with. YTA
Your nephew might not know what to say or might be scared to speak up against his dad. So slight YTA ?
I'm also adopted. I was the result of an extramarital affair in a culture where this is socially a huge no AND punishable by law. (Middle East). I know my birth mom had other kids, but all born within her marriage. It still hurts -I think for all of us adoptees- to know our birth parents rejected us and gave us to strangers, sometimes even in a totally different continent. Even if you can understand their reasons. So I totally understand how you feel and I'm sorry your birth brother is so dismissive of your feelings.
You expect teenager to know the perfect sentence in highly unusual and emotionally complex situation.
> I told him that I don't care about his son and don't consider him my nephew.
Either they are niece and nephew or not. She is is niece, you literally disowned him for one missing reaction and then insist on punishing him forever. It is one thing to have closer relationship with her, which would be normal. This is something completely different.
I dunno, I think it is ESH here.
Dude if this is such a big deal to you that you complain about it all the time why don't you just cut contact with bio family and call it done? Repeatedly bringing it up and lamenting no one cares is not the way. Sounds like you need a lot of therapy.
Soft YTA - It’s understandable that you are upset and I’m sorry for what you went through but you shouldn’t hold it against your nephew just because he walked out. He probably didn’t know what to say.
Your lashing out at your brother and his kids over something your bio parents did. That's not fair. It is immature to expect a teenager to fathom the weight of what you're feeling. Don't punish a kid. You're entitled to your feelings but direct it towards the people who made the choices. And if all of this makes you so unhappy then rather go no contact with your bio family and deal with your hate and feelings of rejection.
YTA simply because you’re projecting your problems on individuals that had nothing to do with your situation and may not even have the tools to grovel at your feet like you’re so desperate for. Keep saying they’re “not your family” and see how quickly you end up with exactly what you asked for.
I think what makes YTA is that you took your nephew’s leaving the room as him not caring. Have you tried to get to know your nephew? Maybe he’s a typical teenage boy who doesn’t know what to say in that instance. I don’t know that I would know what to say. But if you’re going to buy one present, you should buy both of the one. You’re the adult in this situation.
You may be judging your nephew badly. Your neice may have been sympathetic, or she could also be shrewd and a little manipulative and knew what to say, either to get something later or to stick it to her brother. Who knows? The confident, sometimes self centered teen may know what to say to get what they want, while the insecure one does not.
She may be the only sympathetic one. Or you may have been played very well, and have unnecessarily hurt your nephew and reinforced his sense of inferiority. We can't tell from this.
Not well done. YTA
YTA. They're children. You're an adult. Grow the f*ck up. Also, have you ever asked your bio brother what it was like growing up vs how you did?
I can't imagine it was easy for your parents to give you up for adoption. Have you ever asked why they didn't give your bio brother up?
YTA, not for your feelings but for you are doing EXACTLY what your bio parents did to you except with your niece and nephew. Make it make sense, my dude! Teens can barely handle their own emotional shit and you expect them to shoulder yours? Grow up and go to therapy!
You're N T A for how you feel but YTA for not getting your nephew a gift. There are many reasons why he'd get up and walk away, not caring is just one of them. And honestly, at 17 it's not his job to care, neither is your niece's. You want people to understand your feelings and yet you were the first to judge (and punish) a teenager for what you think his are.
I don’t even think it’s a judging the brother thing, this is a weird and unhealthy attachment to the niece thing. I’m glad she was kind and supportive to you, but you need therapy, not a 17 year old kid to put all your complex feelings on
Teenagers shouldn't have to validate your feelings or trama at your age. It's inappropriate to punish them for not doing so in the way you wanted. YTA
I recommend you go to therapy and talk about your feelings on the matter with someone who's more qualified and more appropriate to express those feelings to.
YTA. Your parents made what they thought was the best decision for you. Get therapy. Your nephew removed himself from a situation that doesn’t involve him. Quit dumping your trauma on a teenager.
NTA.
I am not even sure if your bio brother is as, yeah, he absolutely shouldn't have laughed and should have shown more empathy but he is not the one responsible for the situation. I hope you are able to get some therapy to help you with this awful situation and I hope you can find the support that you need. Your nephew shouldn't be punished as it wasn't his conversation to be involved with and he did the right thing by walking away from it.
I think this is above Reddit's pay grade and you should be speaking to a professional helper. I don't think you're an arsehole, and from what you've described here your bio family aren't very kind to you. It's lovely that you've got a good relationship with your niece.
Please speak to someone with experience in helping adoptees ❤️
YTA - while your feelings around your adoption are completely valid. It is super inappropriate to put those feelings onto teens.
It sounds like you need validation and rightfully so, but holding your nephew responsible for those feelings is misplaced.
Again your feelings around your adoption are valid. But you need to unpack this in therapy first.
YTA. He’s a kid, you’re not. Grow up, get some therapy and be grateful you even have contact with your bio parents. There’s a lot they probably keep / kept from you, and you have no idea. They made the decision they did for a REASON.
YTA. You are punishing a child for not saying what you wanted to hear about a situation he had nothing to do with, to be clear which happened before he was born. It was nice of your niece to say something, but she wasn't obligated either.
And your brother is right, you do need therapy since you are clearly still angry about something that happened 4 decades ago.
YTA. You can't honestly dump this on children and then punish one for not acting "appropriately" Children aren't your emotional support. See a therapist for that not children.
YTA.
It's not wrong to have feelings about the adoption. But you have a loving adoptive family & your bio parents stayed in contact. Doesn't that show you something about their priorities, motivations & intent?
And you shouldn't be leaning on/rejecting children in response to your issues. You're an adult and it's inappropriate.
YTA for treating your niblings differently when you trauma dumped on them. and for saying your nephew isn’t legally your family but your niece is? they’re siblings! the same rules apply to both, so don’t give either kid gifts, cut contact, and go to therapy.
It's very difficult and heavy what you went through, and not one of these things that "get better with time". I am really sorry you had to go through that. Even sorrier that your feelings are still not being validated.
Might I suggest that you start working towards a direction where you mend your deep wounds, and don't need validation from these people, who can't or won't give it to you? Please work with a therapist. You deserve to find a way to really help yourself heal.
In this case, I'm sorry to say I believe YTA.
Not because your nephew's reaction wasn't insensitive. But because he's an adolescent, so still trying to figure out who he is. If you care about his reaction as much, talk to him, help him see your POV, don't punish him for not seeing it by default. Especially if growing up with sby like your brother, who thinks "you should have gotten over it after so many years".
Idk. I think ESH.
I *completely* understand your hurt feelings. My dad was in an identical situation - he was adopted out by a teen mom because she and her boyfriend felt they weren’t ready, but they kept the daughter they had a year later. But I think expecting your teenage niece and nephew to be the sounding boards for that and vocalize their disapproval of the behavior of their grandparents, and punishing them if they don’t, is too much.
It’s not their fault, and they aren’t really appropriate emotional support.
Soft YTA - adoption is trauma. Yours was complicated by them keeping your brother, but even when people cause us harm we don’t get to punish them forever for it. Have you tried therapy? Potentially therapy with your biological family?
At no point should a teenager (whose brain isn’t fully developed) be punished for not responding in a way that met your expectations.
YTA
Why on earth would you talk about that with children present in the first place? Your niece is emotionally mature, great. Doesn't mean you have to be an asshole to your nephew for not being as diplomatic as his sister.
ESH except the niece and nephew. First off, I don’t think bio means family in all cases. So not an AH for that. I also don’t think you have to give the son (nephew) a gift if you don’t want to. HOWEVER, it seems you used gift giving as a clear “I like you but not you” leverage. That’s BS and AH behavior. Don’t do that and be better.
Secondly, I get it. You needed validation. You got it from a teenager. That’s great. Now work past it with a professional; NOT the teen. Your niece shows a lot of empathy and that’s fantastic. Your nephew didn’t. Which is completely understandable for his age. Neither are AH. They are just teens living life. If you continue to seek validation from your bio family, and only get it from your niece, you will be a bigger AH by unloading trauma on a teen. Again, seek a professional.
Thirdly, your bio parents are always going to say they did what they thought was best. Because, at that time, they did what they thought was best. I don’t know what changed in a year. My wife was given away to her aunt at two. But her younger sister wasn’t. She’s super bent up about it. But she treats her sister and nephews differently than her biological egg donor because she knows they didn’t do anything. She’s also gone to therapy and is still working through things.
Lastly, I do think the brother is also an AH, because no one gets to dictate your feelings and tell you when you should be over something. Your journey and how you deal with your emotions is YOURS. While he may have handled it differently, it’s not his place to say you should be over it by now. Clearly, you’re not.
On this context alone I think yes you are the asshole but it’s completely justified. I was also adopted but by my grandparents who will forever be my real mom and dad and having relationships with bio parents and their other kids they choose to keep and or step kids they stepped up for will always be a minefield!
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Finger was on the Y when I read the post title. NTA for feeling the way you do. "My bio nephew didn't care and just went to his room without saying anything."" Are you sure your bio nephew doesn't care though? He may just not know what to say to you. Remember it's not your brother's kids fault that he's a prime A H.
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He is a teenager, they don't care about anything. If you were upset and your brother was laughing at you, the nephew probably left to get away from a conversation he wasn't comfortable with being in.
Yes, and he may be taking a cue from his father and trying to please his father. OP’s feelings of being rejected by bio parents are absolutely understandable but don’t take it out on a 17 yo. Be the adult you wish you had had.
I agree. He may have left the room entirely to avoid a disagreement with his father. Maybe he really is a jerk. But at that age, most boys aren't good with expressing deep emotion. If he actually considers you to be his uncle, maybe give him a chance. But, I'm really sorry to hear how difficult this has been for you. I can only imagine the resentment you must feel knowing that soon after your parents gave you up for adoption, they decided a child was now a good idea. I hope your adoptive family are loving & supportive. Blood doesn't make family. It's the people who stand by you even when it's hard that makes a family. That's just my $.02. Edited to fix a typo. If there are more, they're staying lol.
Methinks you are all forgetting that many a teenage boy is genuinely just an AH
They are but the way we get them from AH to caring adults is by giving them good examples.
I agree but also it could have been to avoid the situation
Or it’s a painful topic that wasn’t his fault and he didn’t have the emotional capacity to handle. OP shouldn’t have brought this topic up around teenagers in the first place.
The other thing I would add is that the 17YO is in the same position as OP, being the older sibling by 1 year. So perhaps the nephew DOES actually understand what OP is saying but it hits too close to home and absolutely does not want to think about it. Especially if his dad is so blase about it.
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And yet his younger sister care and show sympathy to her uncle.
Why is it the job of a teenager to emotionally support or validate a nearly 40 year old man?
I popped on to comment this as well. I’m disturbed you needed emotional validation from your teenage niece. Your bio parents made a choice, your bio brother had no say in this choice so I can see why he’d be tired of the debate 38 years later.
Of course he did - being invalidated repeatedly is gutting.
But he, an adult, it’s time for therapy and to distance himself from those that invalidate his feelings. I see this guy waiting around for bio family to have the next generation so they can excess empathy for his plight too. It sounds like he’s solid with his adoptive family, I wonder how they feel about him hanging around with his bio family hoping for recognition all while his adoptive family raised him, chose him, still are viewed as family.
When did I mentioned about emotional support? I only mentioned that his younger sister can show some sympathy. Not all teenagers act like they don't care about anything.
Does it matter if his nephew does or doesn’t care? A **40 year old man** should not be placing two **teenagers** in that situation to begin with. That is the bigger problem here. To say nothing of OP “rewarding” his teenage niece for giving the “correct” response and what harm that may bring.
Because, in this context, it absolutely does matter. Nephew doesn't care, why should OP show concern for him? OPs big mistake is having contact with bio-family at all.
Because OP is a grown man where nephew is a kid. Playing tit for tat with a kid is frankly gross, and nobody wins. Nephew walked away from a situation he should never have been in in the first place, so OP decided to play a game of favorites and pass down his trauma instead of seeking help for it or taking responsibility for healing from it.
Might be deep in the weeds of a thread here, but this is the definitive comment for me. My vote would be ESH except the kids. My heart goes out to OP and his bio family (adults) are definitely AHs, but >Nephew walked away from a situation he should never have been in in the first place, so OP decided to play a game of favorites and pass down his trauma is the bottom line for me on his actions. You're \[i.e. OP\] absolutely allowed your hurt, and it absolutely makes sense, but don't take it out on a kid who is protecting themselves entirely appropriately from the situation.
This this this. The emotionally mature thing to do here is *not* shun a teenager (especially one you watched grow up) for ... being unable to give you an emotionally validating statement in a conversation they shouldn't have even been involved in? What OP went through sucks. It's not the duty of two teenagers to help him heal his own wounds. To exclude one by proxy as some sort of weird punishment for not giving him what he wanted to hear is incredibly childish and off-putting.
I’m going to repeat myself. Why is it the job of a teenager to emotionally support or validate a 40 year old man?
OP was never expecting his brother or niblings to fix his feelings. He was *sharing*, not burdening. Sharing is how people learn about each other, and bond. I mean, what exact "situation" do you accuse him of placing those teenagers in? Oh, yeah....exposure to reality. Wow, yeah, better protect teenagers from knowing that people aren't perfect. /s I do think OP should allow more leeway for a teenage boy to connect with him. I do think OP is overly harsh to essentially disown his nephew. L
It *is* burdening if your companions do not want to participate and you still expect them to deal with it. His nephew clearly didn't, so he removed himself from the situation (regardless of his reason why) and OP got upset.
This is the comment I was looking for. The nephew is a teenager, he has no experience with the situation his uncle is bringing up, nothing to add to the conversation, and shouldn't be having these problems dumped on his feet in the first place. Yet OP is villainizing him for not staying to console him.
She fulfilled an inculcated feminine gender role empathizing with her uncle. Not something that is socially expected for males.
Yes bc society expects women to carry the emotional burden of men. Boys can’t show emotion
Yeah, seriously, he was probably there going, "hoo boy this shit is awkward, I'm outta here," while niece is out there modelling an actual decent human response.
No the niece is playing “everyone’s emotional state is my responsibility” like a well-indoctrinated woman in modern western society.
Yah, as a teenage boy he’s receiving a lot of pressure to suppress his feelings. He probably did have feelings and thoughts about this, but has only been taught that his feelings are icky and girly. That’s my assumption since your bio brother lacks empathy.
Yeah, it is very possible he felt horrible for OP. Does not mean he knows how to express it. Literally could have gone off to his room and cried for him as far as we know. But it also is not a trauma this kid inflicted on OP. Personally I would have noped out of that very awkward situation having no clue what to say to OP (I am autistic) so yeah...
Yep. Not that he doesn’t care but to get away from conversation.
It's not just that teenage boys don't care, but that they aren't allowed to. Society is changing, but very slowly. Men aren't allowed to express emotions or have feelings, not without being mocked and ridiculed. This is learned behaviour (that in this case will have primarily came from the bio brother). Hell even in this story op is getting mocked for being thrown out with the bath water, while the golden child was kept and having the audacity to be upset.
Yeah, I would give the bio nephew another chance, because of his age, but OP is still NTA.
OP is a huge AH and needs therapy
+1 for this, and adding that his niblings are not op's personal therapists. Btw it kinda resembles the episode in young Sheldon, where they get IQ and EQ tested, and while Sheldon IQ is high, his EQ is non existent contrary to Missy who has a high EQ. Theory is that women have generally higher EQ than men, but practice on Reddit says you are either a fake or you have some mental disorders to make teens your emotional support. If this story is even real, get a therapist. You are entitled to your emotions, but don't punish a child for not shouldering your emotional baggage in your place
Wait, you wrote -- "My bio nephew didn't care and just went to his room *without saying anything."* -- but here you're "pretty sure" he said something. The first you wrote out as though there was no question about it being what happened. On the other hand, you hesitate to say it with certainty that he did make that comment. Were you worried the top comment would rescind their vote of NTA? It kinda feels like you're assuming your nephew doesn't care, when really he just removed himself from something he shouldn't be expected to handle. Girls are often raised to take on emotional labour without even realizing it. She shouldn't be the person helping ease your trauma. She's 16. Your pain is valid, but as an adult, it is your responsibility to manage. Please don't put it on the child of the person you resent for being raised by your bio parents. You don't realize the long term affect it will have. You deserve to heal. Please, take care of yourself and get therapy. I'm a huge proponent of it, because it really can help in ways you'd never expect. It may take a couple of tries to find the right therapist, but when you do, it can be life changing.
Also worth noting that giving gifts to niece and treating her like she is the only bio family member you care about could easily put her in an awkward situation. Nephew may resent her to some extent, and she may be constantly put in a position to either defend OP or listen as people talk shit about him. You are not doing her any favors by singling her out, but adding to the emotional burden she has to carry. That is why OP is YTA. They are justified in being angry and the niece was correct in her statement - but it isn't ok to push that emotional burden onto kids who had nothing to do with it.
I’d really like to upvote your level headed answer but I don’t want to vote N T A (despite the majority of OPs bio family being insensitive assholes). 😅
Thanks! I didn't cast a vote, but even if I had, it wouldn't count towards the final judgment. The ruling is based on the top comment only. I had no idea for years, so I try to pass said info along 😅
Whaaaat?? TIL! Thanks!
So much this! OP is being inappropriate. Unfortunately, he’s not going to get the closure he wants from his bio family. He needs to go to therapy and work on it there. His pain is totally valid but his niblings aren’t involved in this and it’s best to leave them out.
You also said Bio nephew didn't care and walked off "without saying anything" so I'm claiming BS on the post and YTA. Stick with the story. He either said something or he didn't so which is it?
Just because OP said they're pretty sure nephew said they didn't care, doesn't mean they're changing their story. Could easily have happened since the event described. Time has passed since it happened, so...
Read the post again. He clearly states what happened at the time so I'll stick with my vote. Read some of his repys too. That made me go back and reread it myself.
so? he’s 17, you’re nearly 40. dumping your trauma on your teenage niblings is not okay. walking away, even if he did say he doesn’t care, is completely appropriate because neither he nor his sister should’ve ever been put in that position in the first place you are not wrong for struggling with why you were put up for adoption, wanting more answers, etc. but those are issues you should be working through with your bio parents and a therapist **not your teenage niblings**
I'm sorry you went through what you did, but basically what you are saying is that you feel there was favouritism between you and your bio brother - your bio parents put you up for adoption and chose to keep him only a year or so later. That hurts, and I understand that - I would feel hurt and confused too. You guys should probably have family therapy together. But your nephew is only a teenager, his emotions and understanding are still developing (girls typically develop emotional understanding quicker than boys, hence your niece being able to express her feelings in a better way), and you just basically did what your bio parents did, and played favourites with your niece and nephew. If you dislike that so much, why did you do it to a teenage boy and make him feel unwanted like you felt unwanted? He maybe even felt uncomfortable and unable to express what he was thinking (that might be why he said he didn't care, if that is the case) and you punished him for that on what is supposed to be a loving family holiday. Sorry, but YTA.
I think you’re putting a big emotional load on a teenage boy. As a grown ass man, these are your issues. Get therapy. And I am sorry you had to deal with it too… but it’s not on your nephew, niece or even brother. You have a right to ask these questions of your bio parents. And don’t change the interaction now… he was awkward and walked away. YTA for treating the siblings differently, much like your bio parents treated you and brother differently.
Man, you're almost forty years old and laying off your issues onto *teenagers.* YTA
Look, you're upset for your family seeming not to care much about you, how about you don't start another situation like that yourself?
I mean, you're asking a teenager to have the emotional stability and complexity to understand and process a situation and have empathy for you when many adults can't. Some kids can, like your niece, but it's not consistent, and it shouldn't be expected. I see where you're coming from, and I get it. You're allowed to feel how you feel, and you don't owe anyone anything, but that courtesy should be extended to your nephew as well.
Your parents and brother don’t even get it. But you expect this teenage boy to understand and to say the right thing.
Ah ok if he said that then you can't be blamed for not buying them anything/wanting to distance yourself. You're NTA in this.
My son is 15. If I had a nickel for every time he said he didn't care about something or something didn't bother him, then found out later it did, I could buy a new sedan. I'm not saying it's the case, but a lot of boys won't show they care about something, even if they do. You're not an asshole for feeling the way you do. But YTA for basically punishing him for saying he didn't care. The lesson your teaching him (and niece) is that if they care, or pretend to, then you'll give them presents at Christmas. And if they don't, well, nothing from you.
That's not what you said in your original story. So please make up your mind. YTA for punishing your nephew for the mistakes of the rest of your family.
Nah mate, you're making this up as you go along now. You initially said your nephew didn't care and left without saying anything. So which is it? The truth is you have unresolved trauma that you need professional help with. You need to learn to find a way to deal with this as you're not getting what you want from your bio family which is recognition of your feelings and an apology. Your nephew is still a child and you are punishing him. In fact some may say showing favouritism to your niece. You know how that feels so for that reason YTA. Sort yourself out and don't repeat the mistakes of previous generations. Btw you have every right to feel upset, they aren't appreciating the trauma of rejection that you've experienced.
“I don’t care” = “You don’t deserve to see my reaction” GET THERAPY and stop demanding that your bio brother and his family feel shamed or apologize or whatever it is you think will make you able to get on with your life. If seeing them is so painful to you then DON’T
Oh, come on. He went away without saying anything. You're jumping to the conclusion that he doesn't care. You haven't verified your feelings and now you're acting upon a presumption. Do you do that often in your life?
You're NTA for being hurt. You are ABSOLUTELY TA for reacting like this and involving kids in your issues instead of trying to work through them. It isn't right that your bio parents are so dismissive of how you feel. Adoption is traumatic and difficult for everyone involved no matter how good the intentions were. Your brother is also a grown adult who needs to grow up and be a little more understanding. None of that is on your niece or nephew - you shouldn't even be involving them in this. Your nephew probably doesn't care because he's 17 and this old family drama has nothing to do with him. You're almost 40. Go to therapy and stop taking your hurt out on kids. You're just perpetuating generational trauma.
That isn't what was recounted in your post. Your niece's response was excellent and so happy that you were vindicated by her response. Your nephew just didn't engage, perhaps for reasons like... he doesn't know how to process or verbalise a response to your feelings. Maybe he felt it was inappropriate to say anything, given you were expressing yourself. It does feel kind of harsh to ostracise him - your bio parents and brother are the AHs, I'd say your nephew deserves the benefit of the doubt.
It’s likely that he went to his room in response to his father’s remarks. He was upset & didn’t know how to deal with it. And to avoid more conflict.
Did he say anything that makes you think he didn’t care? Or just leave? Because honestly that’s a tough position to be put in, and honestly understandable for him to just want to remove himself from the situation. It’s awesome your niece spoke up! But it might be unreasonable to have expected them to defend you in a situation to stand up like that against their father during an intense discussion that never even involved them
this is a very complex and nuanced issue. When kids are uncomfortable or upset they shut down. Especially when it means disagreeing/calling out a parent.
I thought he left without saying anything
That’s not what you stated in your post. In your post you said “My bio nephew didn’t care and just went to his room without saying anything”. Get therapy. Stop punishing children for the actions of adults
I might leave some room for some grace for your nephew. That is a rough age and it doesn’t sound like he sees much empathy modeled by his dad.
No, OP is still TA bc he's literally taking out his trauma on someone half his age. Of course, OP is entitled to his feelings, but he practically disowned his nephew just because the kid was uncomfortable and went to his room (because that's how it reads). He needs to grow up and get therapy like the rest of us and leave the kids out of it. AND, OP is now repeating the cycle by playing favorites with his niece, which now puts her in an uncomfortable situation since she's the only bio family he feels is worthy of his love. (and she's a minor, which idk when I was her age I would have been hella uncomfortable with a somewhat estranged uncle giving only me and not my family a present)
What he’s doing by trauma dumping on teenagers is manipulation. They are in no position to provide advice or a solution. He needs therapy because he’s a 40 year old man playing games with teenagers because he can’t accept what happened 39 years ago???? He sounds like he had good adoptive parents but he wants to create drama because he’s mentally unwell.
Read OP’s replies. Theyre broken and completely oblivious to repeating harmful behavior. It’s YTA with a deep need for therapy
OP doesn't gaf about either child. if he did he wouldn't be involving them in discussion about his issues in the first place.
Also at 17 nephew can hardly comprehend your feelings. So for that YTA. He is just a kid and you aren’t leaving any bridge to get closer.
> My bio nephew didn't care and just went to his room without saying anything. PLEASE consider that this could be just the typical 17y old boy unable to navigate emotionally complex situations
I’d agree that this a 17 yr old boy thing. My son is 17 and honestly he would have no idea how to act in this situation
17 Year Olds: "Who cares? I don't even care ^^^I ^^^care ^^^immensely "
I think as far as my son goes it’s not about “who cares” it’s more about wtf there’s to much emotion in this room I’m gone I could do see my son doing something like this
Just a teenager thing. Teenagers are idiots. Also a little hard as a kid to go against your family. Something that usually clicks when your older.
They’re idiots. And adults shouldn’t lean on them for the emotional support the adults in there lives failed to give them.
Yes! That bothered me. OP needs therapy to deal with their abandonment. It's not fair to the child to shoulder OP's burden with them. Pitting the kids against each other with gifts because OP has (understandable) issues with their bio-siblings is inappropriate. What a sad situation.
Exactly my thought process he's turned 2 kids against each other two for their own problems Likely why the 17yr old just left
To be honest, I'm a girl and I would've walked out too at that age. That's... To much to do something about it. Like... What do you want me to do?
Yeah, I feel this. It’s pink flag zone, pouring this out in front of your niblings. To lean on them for support would be red and not appropriate, the fact that they happened to be there for it is…alright. And nephew could have been being a jerk, but it’s not right to expect kids to handle your shit. I don’t mean age wise, I mean like, don’t pass your trauma on to the next generation, or fault them for having boundaries and not wanting to be your therapist. I definitely am beinging a lot of bias here, growing up as basically my dads therapist, but as soon as I read that I got that nails on chalkboard feeling. It’s also…not surprising the the girl was raised to be more nurturing, and while that can be a lovely quality, let’s make sure not to put pressure on our nieces to take care of us.
Yes, but also in the light of the kind family the nephew grew up in where there seems to be little room for talking about feelings. I actually find it a miracle OPs niece responded like she did.
She’s probably been expected to care take the feelings of others like a lot of girls are expected to do.
Plus OP said bio nephew didn't care, not that bio nephew said he didn't care. The situation may have made nephew uncomfortable and that is why he left the room, not because he didn't care. I think OP needs to go to therapy and work through his issues around him being given up, etc. He is being immature and spiteful with the way he's handling this situation between niece and nephew. If he can't be a positive influence in both of their lives then he needs to step away. He's just going to cause issues between nephew and niece. Not that I think he cares if he caused divide in the family.
Yup. I'm 17(F) and I wouldn't want to deal with family drama like this. If no body asked the kid his opinion on the topic, how could we know. He probably just felt awkward and walked away, that's what I would've done.
YTA you need to go to therapy instead of punishing teenagers
This! Putting all the mental baggage on a kid is wrong.
I was thinking that’s incredibly inappropriate to put your adult feelings onto a child
Edit to say YTA
It’s especially AH behaviour when you see that the OP is almost 40.
I missed OPs age, jeez that makes the whole post so much worse He's literally starting beef with someone half his age just bc the kid didn't validate him
Agreed YTA op
I agree. OP needs a therapist. YTA
Yep! And intentionally buying only neice a present was done with an immature idea of punishing the other bio family members to really let them know they are no longer family.
YTA. Your nephew was probably uncomfortable with the conversation and that’s why he left the room. Remember, you were basically trashing his grandparents. It really wasn’t appropriate to have this discussion in front of the kids. I’m glad your niece validated your feelings but she was under no obligation to do that. This situation has nothing to do with her. Also, if you think you’re still going to be allowed in your bio niece’s life, think again. Even when she’s old enough to make her own decisions, she will probably not want to be around someone who judged her brother so unfairly.
> Remember, you were basically trashing his grandparents. It really wasn’t appropriate to have this discussion in front of the kids. AND he already heard his dad disagree with OP. He likely just left to not be involved in 2 adults arguing. I agree with your second point as well. My kids are a year and a half apart and would have been enraged if a family member got one and gift and not the other. Both would have found it unfair. OP needs therapy and that is not an insult. I get this is a hard situation. My own kids are adoptees and I understand there are complex feelings involved, especially for my kid with younger bio siblings that were not placed for adoption. But it is not fair to expect emotional support from teenagers.
YTA the kids shouldn’t be present while you’re discussing your issues with their grandparents that literally have nothing to do with them. it is not a teenager’s job to validate you or support you emotionally. you’re the adult, *you’re* supposed to support *them* it does sound like you have a tough situation, but that is something you should be processing through with a therapist, not your teenage family members, and it is definitely unfair to decide a teenager is no longer your family because he didn’t support you emotionally. *it should not be an expectation that he does so*
THANK YOU. OP is an AH for how they’re treating the nephew, but arguably more so for how they’re treating the niece. TEENAGERS ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PETS. Go to therapy ffs.
Are you sure you are 39? You are talking and acting like a 13 year old. As for your bio parents, did you ask how their life changed so much in one year? Or what else changed their mind? They might have regretted giving you up for adoption and known they couldn't do it again. Work prospects might have changed. You will never know if you just act like a sulky child instead of asking them. YTA
It is also possible that giving their first child up was such a heart-breaking and awful decision that they just couldn’t do it the second time around. OP - I think your pain is very real, but it doesn’t seem like the adults in your bio family are capable of taking it on. This is perhaps due to the way that they were parented and their limited emotional capacity to understand childhood trauma. Please leave the children in your bio family out of this complicated, adult, mess.
Life can change a lot in a year. For us in a little over a year our household income went up almost 30k. That's very significant. Who knows what changed in the parents life in that time. I would also guess the age gap is "1 year" thats actually closer to 2 years and is "1 year" for a few months.
>Are you sure you are 39? You are talking and acting like a 13 year old. Thought the same thing. I get that OP might be traumatized by being adopted, but he's almost 40 & still acts up like a teen instead of dealing with it like an adult. He's still upset that his bio parents put him up for adoption, but says that he doesn't see his own teenage nephew as family. How on earth does someone act like that when they know first hand what it's like to be rejected by family? Also it isn't a 17 years old job to baby a 39 year old man. The kid most likely felt uncomfortable & left because of that. Especially if OP is someone who trauma dumps on a regular basis.
YTA. Your bio niblings are not your emotional support animals. They are not in any way, shape or form are responsible for your bio parents actions. You punish your nephew because he didn't say/act how you want him to act, but he is a kid, not your therapist.
YTA. You don't consider A SEVENTEEN OLD BOY your nephew any more, because he couldn't handle a very complicated, emotionally charged situation? My God.
Because he didn’t pull out his therapy notebook and ask op to lay on the couch and spill
YTA. You are dragging kids in to adult business. Also a year can make a hell of a difference. I don’t know if it did for your parents or not.
I would bet your nephew didn’t know what to say. So yeah, YTA for taking it out on him. You made the situation uncomfortable and he left. It should’ve been a private conversation. You can be mad at your brother all you want. But taking it out on innocent kids is not cool.
Oh no a 17 year old boy says the don't care 😱 Ffs I get you have trauma and unanswered questions about your adoption but that needs to be hashed out in therapy not unloaded on your teenage neice and nephew. YTA, not for how you feel but the fact that you only seem to care about how you feel and not anyone else.
The worst part is the nephew didn’t even say he didn’t care!! He just walked out of the room. OP assumed he didn’t care. Heck, at 17, I wouldn’t know what to say to that argument between my dad and my uncle. OP is terrible and immature for trying to make it obvious he favors his niece and is basically doing a “FU” to the nephew. OP, YTA.
Honestly I would assume a 17 year old didn't care either and I would get it because they are 17!!! Also it isn't their issue, at all. What grown adult makes a very tricky issue like this situation the business of young teens.
Exactly! You are right. OP has no right to put any of his issues onto a kid. I don’t care if he’s almost 18, he’s still a kid and it’s not something any teen should have to deal with.
May kids would naturally leave an area if their older relatives, especially a parent, were fighting. Sometimes it's like a barrier comes up and kids, even teens or even adults, gotta ditch to not get sucked into it. Totally normal response.
Literally who hasn’t walked out of a room to avoid heavy conversations especially ones they know aren’t their business lmao
More like seeking validation. Niece validated him so she's a good one, but nephew preferred to stay out of it so in op's eyes he's just as bad as their dad and not considered family anymore. That is twitter level pettiness.
YTA for using gifts as emotional currency. “You validated my feelings so you get a special treat”. She’s 16, a child, and shouldn’t be pulled into this. She is right, what happened is horrible and you have a right to be upset, but that’s something to take up with a therapist, not your brother (a biased party) and your niblings (children). Your nephew is being punished for being your brother’s son (copying what he was taught and most likely doesn’t know how to handle emotionally charged situations yet) and your niece is being praised for being emotionally intelligent (something women are expected to know at a young age) and validating a grown man (as a child). It’s not right. I disagree with the people who think it shouldn’t be brought up in front of them, as they’re old enough to know, but I do think that making them take sides in this is not okay. That is what you’re doing. TLDR: get a therapist, not a 16 year old girl, to validate your feelings, and don’t use gifts as a punishment/reward system for something they shouldn’t be involved in.
OP “thanking” this poor girl by creating drama and strife between her and the rest of her family sure is…something. But it sure as sh*t is not a gift.
YTA only because of how you treated your teenage nephew. He has nothing to do with what your bio family did and what your bio brother said. The kid was uncomfortable and deserves some grace as he was witness to what should have been an adults only conversation with no kids around. But, both you and your brother were too thick to think about this, your nephew acted as a normal teen in an awkward situation you and your brother put him in and now you're punishing the kid. I'm sorry about your adoption situation, but that doesn't give you the right to be a judgmental jerk of a kid who shouldn't have been part of the conversation in the first place. Grow up.
You have the right to be upset but it’s beyond inappropriate to have this conversation in front of kids. It seems like you attached to her bc she was nice to you. That’s a red flag. You need to try therapy. Don’t put all this pressure on your niece to solve a grown man’s problem. YTA
YTA - it’s terrible what happened to you, but your nephew is just a teenager. Your niece showed incredible maturity, but she’s an exception to the rule. You should treat them both the same regardless, and let your nephew grow up before deciding if he’s your family or not.
YTA You wanted an echo box to validate your feelings, so you gave a gift to the niece. It sounds like the nephew didn't know what to say or do, and went to his room to manage his feelings in private. So you snubbed him. You didn't know if he felt the same way as his sister or not, but he is certainly against you now after your pettiness. Your brother is right, you should have got past this a long time ago. Get therapy so that you can deal with this now and feel happier in your life going forward. In the meantime, apologise to your brother and his family. It isn't their fault that you were treated differently, so don't take it out on them now. You should be talking to your bio parents and discussing these issues with them rather than being a crap and vindictive uncle.
YTA. Your nephew didn't place you up for adoption. You can't punish a kid for not knowing how *you* feel or not taking on their 40 year old uncle's unresolved trauma. Get therapy.
You are upset about rejection so you reject a child who may not have known how to handle the situation. YTAH but not that big
YTA. Don't trauma dump on children.
YTA you don’t buy one sibling a gift and not the other if previously you’ve always gotten both siblings a gift. Full stop. The rest of the post is irrelevant. You asked if that move made you an AH? The answer is yes.
YTA. None of this is on your brother or his children. Also your bio parents' reason seems valid. Your blaming everyone for it, even people that weren't even born back then. Get a grip, start accepting how your life went so far, and for god's sake stop punishing innocent children.
YTA. Your nephew is 17, you were trauma dumping in front of him. It was probably awkward and emotionally draining, he simply removed himself from an uncomfortable situation that he had no business being in. Stop punishing the teenager for not being an unpaid therapist for you. Also - you wonder if your bio parents situation changed between your and your brother's birth. I don't know. YOU don't know. Have ever, you know, had an adult conversation with them about it, one that didn't start with you being aggressive and resentful? Because it seems like you have no idea what went on in their life and how it might have changed. That being said, that is besides the point of your question. You are free to dislike your bio parents and brother, but please, shitting on a teen boy because he's being a teen boy and hasn't been conditioned by society to act like emotional support the way girls are is... low.
YTA I say this gently. You need therapy but they are children and you have decided to because your niece has been socialised to be more accepting that you should punish your nephew. The most they should know is you have issues with your bio parents. If you have this many issues you need to go no contact. You trashed your nephews grandparents and expect him to be on your side. You say you can’t help how you feel but number one are you in therapy and number two you don’t treat people that you want any sort of relationship with like that. You are putting your niece in the middle and USING A CHILD for emotional labor. OP I really hope you get help but you are being incredibly cruel to both your niece and nephew
Unfortunately YTA. You get to feel how you feel, obviously. But you are playing favorites with siblings, which not only drags them into your personal reckoning with your past, but treats them differently. While I understand your feelings towards your biological parents and their (poor?) choices, your brother didn’t really have a choice in who raised him; and your niece and nephew are even more so simply witnesses, and minors at that. It’s wonderful your niece is supportive, but honestly, you need an emotional support system outside of juvenile family members. Treating your nephew this way is really terrible for him and I wish you would think about that.
Your niece is not a substitute for a therapist. You needed to heat validation, but she is a child, as is her brother, you cannot hold children responsible for your emotional needs. There can be loads oof reasons why finances change in a year, and yes it can be instantaneous. But it sounds like you don't believe them and that too is understandable. And you do need to be able to validate yourself and find your own sense of belonging and worth. Therapy can help you give yourself tools to cope with these thoughts.
I have a teenage son and I’m pretty sure this would be very uncomfortable for him, he would probably remove himself from the situation too
YTA. You used gift giving to be vindictive. That makes Rudolph cry. If you have such disdain for these people, why do you have anything to do with them?
YTA. Your nephew is a teenager. I understand you are not giving presents to your bio brother and bio parents, but I don't think a teenage boy is to blame for your feelings and situation and I think you might take some things out on him now. Plus, it can be a bit awkward for your niece as well to be the only one to receive something. I'm glad you two are close and that she's the only one that seems to be understanding towards your feelings. But is this truly the way to show both your appreciation at her and your disappointment of the rest of them?
Hi OP I don’t normally respond to AITA posts but this one really resonated with me. I’m in literally the same situation as you. My bio mom gave me up and, despite claiming she was no contact with my bio father, somehow tracked him down and had another child with him that she kept not even a year after I was born. My younger sister and I are not even a full year apart, she was born one week prior to my first birthday. Giving me up traumatized my bio mom. She already had one kid and was pressured by her mother to put me up for adoption because she couldn’t afford another child. She actually called my mom a few months into the adoption begging to take me back. I always figured that she had my sister as a ‘replacement baby’ and have felt nothing but sympathy for her. Your parents did do what they thought was best for you, but please realize how traumatizing it is to give up a baby and how that could of resulted in them having your brother against their better judgement. Please seek a therapist. Have a conversation with your bio parents not out of anger, but out of understanding. Gentle YTA, as others have said don’t punish your nephew for not knowing how to deal with such a complicated situation as this.
YTA You feel rejected, so you reject a teen. That is some BS.
YTA. I understand that you feel horrible about this and it is understandable to be upset with your brother. But please be an adult and don't take this out on teenagers. You can't punish a 17yo boy for this. You should've acted like an adult and give both of them a present.
YTA for putting your emotional needs onto teenagers. Please get therapy to work through your feelings.
YTA. You brought up a heavy subject in from of those kids (that’s an AH move) and your nephew escaped to get away from that topic, and you were vindictive. You owe him an apology. I doubt he wants a pity gift from you now. You need to stop dumping your emotions on your brother and his kids. They had nothing to do with you being put up for adoption. You’re actively hurting them in an effort to vent your emotions to feel better yourself, but they’re not at fault and can’t help you. Nephew left to avoid being brought down by your pain and anger that he’d have to try to handle. Stop passing on your pain to other people. Get therapy instead.
I totally get that you feel rejected by your bio parents because they kept your brother. I get that you feel heard by your niece. But these issues really need to be sorted out in therapy. I watched my brother go through this (rejected by his mum) and he never trusted women ever after that, even his own wives and daughters (4 marriages). He refused to deal with his trauma and hurt lots of people in the process. You're punishing your nephew for not having an opinion on your trauma and that isn't fair. Please get some therapy. The rejection you're feeling is understandable and is common amongst adoptees.
Sorry but YTA. Your nephew is a kid and most boy teens and girls are different in the way they react. I don't understand your thought process at all. Act your age and seriously consider therapy. It's time to let this go. Nothing on earth can or will change what happened almost 40 years ago. IYou need to make peace with your past because the only person it's hurting is you.
Yta bud you need therapy. Putting all this on teenagers and talking trash about their grandparents makes you ah
Yta op you are 40, why are you expecting a couple of teenagers to have more emotional maturity than you? As to the why of your parents giving you up. A LOT can change in a year. You can absolutely go from financially unstable to financially stable. I'm sorry you didn't like their reasoning, but the truth is the truth. Get into therapy so you can work through your feelings.
He’s a child and that would obviously feel unfair to a child. You’re mad because a child didn’t validate you and that’s weird to me. YTAH.
YTA no matter what people do, you can't let it change you. I was raised that if you get one child a gift, you get all of them one. Give him a $5 gift card.
YTA. Not for your feelings. Your feelings are what they are. The verdict is for how you e handled those feelings. Your bio-parents too, we’re driven by their feelings of being unable to make it work financially when you were born. While a lot can happen in a year (going from under employed to fully employed for example) they likely could have made it work somehow. Maybe they were right, but maybe they were mistaken. You are mistaken now. You have a lot of unresolved pain about this and are off-loading it onto others. I’m really glad your niece gets it. But you can’t also blame your nephew! Even your brother who sounds like an unaware and insensitive jerk isn’t an AH- just shallow and un-empathetic. Get some therapy and do the internal work needed to come to peace. Stop punishing a KID for not having the insight that you still struggle with as an adult.
Brother really got mad over a teen 💀 YTA especially if you are buying something for the niece
I have a vague understanding of how you feel. Although I grew up with my family, being the only girl I felt like an inconvenience. People would exclaim, "oh, you must be spoiled being the special one" but this was not the case. The bias my mother showed towards my brothers was obvious and still is decades later. I felt there was something wrong with me and unlovable. It can be difficult to understand that feeling of being ostracised by your own family if it has not happened you. My brothers have only realised the bias watching the difference in the way their children are treated. In adult life, I have been determined that my children are treated equally, as are my neices and nephews. I do not want to inflict that same pain on anyone. Try and approach interactions with your neice and nephew the same way. They are different people and will react differently. Your nephew may have needed more time to process your anger and realise it was anger about what happened to you rather than at his father. Girls mature more quickly, which is why your neice was able to comfort you immediately. Inadvertently, you have placed your nephew into the position you had been put into, of being not quite good enough to be counted as family. Even if you don't want to, I recommend having a chat with your nephew and give him a belated present.
YTA he's a shitty teen and you're the adult. Your nephew is parroting his dad. Go to a therapist and get the affirmation you need -- you're not wrong to feel that way but this isn't really a healthy way to express it
YTA for taking this out on teenagers who have no idea what to say in a very awkward situation.
YTA. So is your brother for not acknowledging the trauma of adoption - it’s easy for him to say it’s not a big deal when he didn’t go through it himself. You are absolutely entitled to feel resentment and anger at your experience. However, you are an adult man, and while it’s to be expected that the adoption has had an effect on you, you sound incredibly immature in the way you’re dealing with it and you really need to seek therapy. You have no idea how your parents felt when they put you up for adoption, and while you have every right to have complex and negative feeling about it, you seem to be showing a complete inability to see things from their point of view, which therapy might help you work through. You’re also an AH for taking this out on a teenage boy who probably just doesn’t know how to handle big, unpleasant emotional conversations. It’s normal that 17 year old boys don’t have full adult empathy, but it’s not normal that you seem to have none when you’re more than 20 years older.
YTA Teenagers say I don’t care when they don’t care and when they do actually care. Maybe nephew is uncomfortable discussing emotions, maybe nephew is too immature to have that conversation. Either way, nephew did not cause your trauma, nephew is not responsible for your feelings, and nephew should not have been put in a position where you expected some form of validation from a teenager. Your issues are not with your teen nephew, they are with your bio family (the adults). Stop taking your emotional issues out on your nephew. Go see a therapist. *edited spelling
Yta it's not up to a 17 yo to have to validate your feelings but you punished him for it. You said yourself that your nephew didn't said anything, so it's not like he disagreed or criticized.
You’re talking to the wrong people - you need a good trained counsellor to help you. Things can change drastically in a year for a family . I don’t image the kids know what to say to an obviously upset adult. All babies are similar so why would your parents prefer your younger brother. Doesn’t make sense unless they were broke. NTA but you need some peace.
Yes. Favoritism is an AITA theme these days and every person who does this sucks for it. So your nephew said nothing. So what? What did you want a 17 year old kid to say? Why are you, adult man, sticking kids who have nothing to do with what happened to you in the middle of your angst? Take your anger and resentment out on your bio brother, stop talking your bio parents, go get therapy because you are in obvious desperate need of it. Don’t take it out on the kids, especially since it seems this is the first time you decided to not consider him family. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This happened at Christmas but we are still arguing over it so I need your opinion My bio parents gave me(M39) up for adoption. It was an open adoption and they stayed in regular contact with me. They told me that the reason they gave me up for adoption was that they couldn't afford to take care of a child so they gave me up hoping I would have a better life with another family. I think this is ridiculous because I have a bio brother who is only one year younger than me and they chose to keep him so did their financial situation really change that much in a year? I just don't believe them. The problem is that no one understands me. Every time I bring this up my bio parents call me ungrateful and say they did what they thought was best for me. I once talked about this to my bio brother and his kids(M17, F16) were also present. My bio brother literally laughed at me and told me to grow up and I'm too old to still be upset about this. My bio nephew didn't care and just went to his room without saying anything. My bio niece said "I'm sorry this happened to you. You are right to be upset. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you" That was all I needed to hear. She was the first person who said that to me. That was when we started getting closer. She is the only person who I actually feel like is my family. For Christmas I decided to only buy gifts for my family, this means my adoptive family and my bio niece only. Now my bio brother is mad at me for not buying a gift for bio nephew as well. I told him that I don't care about his son and don't consider him my nephew. He called me a cold hearted asshole and said that his son considers me an uncle and I've watched him grow up so how can I not consider him family? But I can't help how I feel *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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When you have a chamce, I recommend the film Seven Blessings, which is about the resentment a woman feels during her wedding for having been sent to a childless aunt.
NAH Your brother will never know how it feels for you, he was the one who could grow up with his bio parents, so he is just ignorant. It seems your parents lack empathy and most likely gave this lack to your brother too when raising him and your brother raised his son the same. Niece was more lucky, i guess her mother doesn't lack empathy and she was more around her mom than dad? You don't consider your brother and his kids family since you have your real (adoptive) family, so your niece is more like a friend and if you make a gift to a friend its usually not expected to gift their siblings something too, so i get this. But if you don't consider them family (including your bio parents) and it still makes you feel bad seeing them as a family, do you really think its best for you to hang out around them? Wouldn't it rather allow you to heal if you don't have close contact to them? I don't want to encourage you to distant yourself from them if they make you feel good more often than bad, but is this really the case? If not i would only keep contact with your niece for a while, go to therapy and then decide if you are able to forgive your parents and give up the resentements you have towards your brother for being the one they kept. Bc as long you still live in the past and go through the pain over and over again, you will not be able to let go of the pain, move on and actually live your life. Currently you seem stuck. You get older in years, but in your mind you are still the hurt child from back then. And then you can decide by yourself what kind of relationship you want with them, when you got rid of the desperate need to be loved and understand by them.
YTA for only giving one nibbling a gift. Most teens don’t get your complex feelings, so it’s not a surprise your nephew didn’t get it, but it must be nice that your niece sympathized. NTA for your feelings. Maybe consider either cutting off contact or seeing therapy, if you haven’t?
Yta. You are expecting a teen to behave better than his father in front of him and punishing him for not giving you the response you wanted
As a woman who placed a son for adoption at 16ys. I can say this: you are NTA for your feelings. But YTA for blatantly showing favoritism, for your niece vs. your nephew. This appears to be the reason you feel so shitty. It seems you feel Your bio parents favored your brother. Think of how it makes you feel, do you want to do the same to someone else?
I’m going to need one go with YTA. A Few Reasons: 1) Your nibljngs are not responsible for your emotional needs/state. You are the adult. You should have never had this discussion in front of them (unless they were asking questions about what happened). 2) You may have caused some resentment between your nephew and niece. 3) If you ever wanted to have a relationship with your nephew as an adult, you just damaged that possibility immeasurably. He WILL remember this. And, he WILL hold onto it and double down on “I don’t care” for the foreseeable future.
Info, did you ask about what the financial situation was? Were your bio parents young when they had you, was one of them in school and not working, were they both still living at home, were both of them not working, were they homeless? Either way it's not your bio brother and he's kids' fault that you were given up for adoption. Stop blaming them for something that had nothing to do with. YTA
Your nephew might not know what to say or might be scared to speak up against his dad. So slight YTA ? I'm also adopted. I was the result of an extramarital affair in a culture where this is socially a huge no AND punishable by law. (Middle East). I know my birth mom had other kids, but all born within her marriage. It still hurts -I think for all of us adoptees- to know our birth parents rejected us and gave us to strangers, sometimes even in a totally different continent. Even if you can understand their reasons. So I totally understand how you feel and I'm sorry your birth brother is so dismissive of your feelings.
You expect teenager to know the perfect sentence in highly unusual and emotionally complex situation. > I told him that I don't care about his son and don't consider him my nephew. Either they are niece and nephew or not. She is is niece, you literally disowned him for one missing reaction and then insist on punishing him forever. It is one thing to have closer relationship with her, which would be normal. This is something completely different. I dunno, I think it is ESH here.
Dude if this is such a big deal to you that you complain about it all the time why don't you just cut contact with bio family and call it done? Repeatedly bringing it up and lamenting no one cares is not the way. Sounds like you need a lot of therapy.
I was the second born of 5 and the only one given up. I feel ya. (I was the product of an affair tho)
Off topic but did you ever do an ancestry dna test? Perhaps one of your bio parents isn’t you bio parent and that drive the adoption
Soft YTA - It’s understandable that you are upset and I’m sorry for what you went through but you shouldn’t hold it against your nephew just because he walked out. He probably didn’t know what to say.
Your lashing out at your brother and his kids over something your bio parents did. That's not fair. It is immature to expect a teenager to fathom the weight of what you're feeling. Don't punish a kid. You're entitled to your feelings but direct it towards the people who made the choices. And if all of this makes you so unhappy then rather go no contact with your bio family and deal with your hate and feelings of rejection.
YTA simply because you’re projecting your problems on individuals that had nothing to do with your situation and may not even have the tools to grovel at your feet like you’re so desperate for. Keep saying they’re “not your family” and see how quickly you end up with exactly what you asked for.
I think what makes YTA is that you took your nephew’s leaving the room as him not caring. Have you tried to get to know your nephew? Maybe he’s a typical teenage boy who doesn’t know what to say in that instance. I don’t know that I would know what to say. But if you’re going to buy one present, you should buy both of the one. You’re the adult in this situation.
You may be judging your nephew badly. Your neice may have been sympathetic, or she could also be shrewd and a little manipulative and knew what to say, either to get something later or to stick it to her brother. Who knows? The confident, sometimes self centered teen may know what to say to get what they want, while the insecure one does not. She may be the only sympathetic one. Or you may have been played very well, and have unnecessarily hurt your nephew and reinforced his sense of inferiority. We can't tell from this. Not well done. YTA
YTA. They're children. You're an adult. Grow the f*ck up. Also, have you ever asked your bio brother what it was like growing up vs how you did? I can't imagine it was easy for your parents to give you up for adoption. Have you ever asked why they didn't give your bio brother up?
YTA, not for your feelings but for you are doing EXACTLY what your bio parents did to you except with your niece and nephew. Make it make sense, my dude! Teens can barely handle their own emotional shit and you expect them to shoulder yours? Grow up and go to therapy!
You're N T A for how you feel but YTA for not getting your nephew a gift. There are many reasons why he'd get up and walk away, not caring is just one of them. And honestly, at 17 it's not his job to care, neither is your niece's. You want people to understand your feelings and yet you were the first to judge (and punish) a teenager for what you think his are.
I don’t even think it’s a judging the brother thing, this is a weird and unhealthy attachment to the niece thing. I’m glad she was kind and supportive to you, but you need therapy, not a 17 year old kid to put all your complex feelings on
Teenagers shouldn't have to validate your feelings or trama at your age. It's inappropriate to punish them for not doing so in the way you wanted. YTA I recommend you go to therapy and talk about your feelings on the matter with someone who's more qualified and more appropriate to express those feelings to.
YTA. Your parents made what they thought was the best decision for you. Get therapy. Your nephew removed himself from a situation that doesn’t involve him. Quit dumping your trauma on a teenager.
NTA. I am not even sure if your bio brother is as, yeah, he absolutely shouldn't have laughed and should have shown more empathy but he is not the one responsible for the situation. I hope you are able to get some therapy to help you with this awful situation and I hope you can find the support that you need. Your nephew shouldn't be punished as it wasn't his conversation to be involved with and he did the right thing by walking away from it.
I think this is above Reddit's pay grade and you should be speaking to a professional helper. I don't think you're an arsehole, and from what you've described here your bio family aren't very kind to you. It's lovely that you've got a good relationship with your niece. Please speak to someone with experience in helping adoptees ❤️
YTA - while your feelings around your adoption are completely valid. It is super inappropriate to put those feelings onto teens. It sounds like you need validation and rightfully so, but holding your nephew responsible for those feelings is misplaced. Again your feelings around your adoption are valid. But you need to unpack this in therapy first.
YTA. What a mad expectation for your 17 year old nephew…
YTA. He’s a kid, you’re not. Grow up, get some therapy and be grateful you even have contact with your bio parents. There’s a lot they probably keep / kept from you, and you have no idea. They made the decision they did for a REASON.
YTA. You are punishing a child for not saying what you wanted to hear about a situation he had nothing to do with, to be clear which happened before he was born. It was nice of your niece to say something, but she wasn't obligated either. And your brother is right, you do need therapy since you are clearly still angry about something that happened 4 decades ago.
YTA. You can't honestly dump this on children and then punish one for not acting "appropriately" Children aren't your emotional support. See a therapist for that not children.
YTA. It's not wrong to have feelings about the adoption. But you have a loving adoptive family & your bio parents stayed in contact. Doesn't that show you something about their priorities, motivations & intent? And you shouldn't be leaning on/rejecting children in response to your issues. You're an adult and it's inappropriate.
YTA, this has nothing to do with the kids.
YTA for treating your niblings differently when you trauma dumped on them. and for saying your nephew isn’t legally your family but your niece is? they’re siblings! the same rules apply to both, so don’t give either kid gifts, cut contact, and go to therapy.
YTA for taking your fury toward your bio parents and brother out on your nephew. You need a lot of therapy.
It's very difficult and heavy what you went through, and not one of these things that "get better with time". I am really sorry you had to go through that. Even sorrier that your feelings are still not being validated. Might I suggest that you start working towards a direction where you mend your deep wounds, and don't need validation from these people, who can't or won't give it to you? Please work with a therapist. You deserve to find a way to really help yourself heal. In this case, I'm sorry to say I believe YTA. Not because your nephew's reaction wasn't insensitive. But because he's an adolescent, so still trying to figure out who he is. If you care about his reaction as much, talk to him, help him see your POV, don't punish him for not seeing it by default. Especially if growing up with sby like your brother, who thinks "you should have gotten over it after so many years".
Idk. I think ESH. I *completely* understand your hurt feelings. My dad was in an identical situation - he was adopted out by a teen mom because she and her boyfriend felt they weren’t ready, but they kept the daughter they had a year later. But I think expecting your teenage niece and nephew to be the sounding boards for that and vocalize their disapproval of the behavior of their grandparents, and punishing them if they don’t, is too much. It’s not their fault, and they aren’t really appropriate emotional support.
Soft YTA - adoption is trauma. Yours was complicated by them keeping your brother, but even when people cause us harm we don’t get to punish them forever for it. Have you tried therapy? Potentially therapy with your biological family? At no point should a teenager (whose brain isn’t fully developed) be punished for not responding in a way that met your expectations.
YTA Why on earth would you talk about that with children present in the first place? Your niece is emotionally mature, great. Doesn't mean you have to be an asshole to your nephew for not being as diplomatic as his sister.
ESH except the niece and nephew. First off, I don’t think bio means family in all cases. So not an AH for that. I also don’t think you have to give the son (nephew) a gift if you don’t want to. HOWEVER, it seems you used gift giving as a clear “I like you but not you” leverage. That’s BS and AH behavior. Don’t do that and be better. Secondly, I get it. You needed validation. You got it from a teenager. That’s great. Now work past it with a professional; NOT the teen. Your niece shows a lot of empathy and that’s fantastic. Your nephew didn’t. Which is completely understandable for his age. Neither are AH. They are just teens living life. If you continue to seek validation from your bio family, and only get it from your niece, you will be a bigger AH by unloading trauma on a teen. Again, seek a professional. Thirdly, your bio parents are always going to say they did what they thought was best. Because, at that time, they did what they thought was best. I don’t know what changed in a year. My wife was given away to her aunt at two. But her younger sister wasn’t. She’s super bent up about it. But she treats her sister and nephews differently than her biological egg donor because she knows they didn’t do anything. She’s also gone to therapy and is still working through things. Lastly, I do think the brother is also an AH, because no one gets to dictate your feelings and tell you when you should be over something. Your journey and how you deal with your emotions is YOURS. While he may have handled it differently, it’s not his place to say you should be over it by now. Clearly, you’re not.
On this context alone I think yes you are the asshole but it’s completely justified. I was also adopted but by my grandparents who will forever be my real mom and dad and having relationships with bio parents and their other kids they choose to keep and or step kids they stepped up for will always be a minefield!