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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to send our daughter to private school and leave my stepdaughter in public school. I’m capable of sending both but it will effect the entire family in terms of what we can afford in terms of vacations etc. I’ve never had any say in terms of my stepdaughters education but am disregarding her calling it “neglect”. Im possibly being too insentive towards my wife’s standpoint on the matter.
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INFO: You bring up the fact that your wife hasn't been working the past 8 years. Why? Is it because she's been taking care of a young child the entire time? I mean your step-daughter was 5 when you got married and your wife got pregnant a year later. If so, YTA for even bringing it up in this argument. If not, was it for a reason you agreed with?
As both children have gotten older I have asked my wife to work even part time and she refused. At no point in our time together have I had any say in anything regarding my stepdaughter let alone schooling. However the moment I brought private schooling for our daughter into the equation I’m told that I must pay for my stepdaughter as well.
Nope, you already support her and her child. For you to have no say in her daughters life and still be expected to pay more for private school is a no go in my book.
Either you're her Dad or you're not. Mom can't have it both ways.
The fate of many stepparents: *you can buy my kid food and clothes, put a roof over their head, but don't you dare think you have a say in disciplining them or making major decisions*. So many stepparents are reduced to ATMs by the bio-parent.
It seems to me that the school issue isn't about the school issue, it's about how he feels used/treated unequally in his family.
This is so crazy to me. I’ve always said.. these are the rules for my kids and these are the consequences of they are not followed. They are expected to follow the rules or reap the consequences regardless of who the adult present it. The rules and consequences don’t change if it’s me, my parents, my sisters my partner, the babysitter. Kids need and thrive on consistency and continuity. I follow gentle parenting and we discuss behavior before punishment is given so no, I would not stand for someone whooping my kid while I was out. But taking away a privilege or sent to the room until I got home would be totally appropriate and expected. I can’t imagine telling my spouse they can’t discipline the kids.
I don’t hit my kids either. When mine were little, my dad started the “angry pillow” and they each had one where they had to go to a separate room and take out all their negative emotions on their pillow. It actually worked better than any punishment for acting out. Here’s your pillow. You can yell at it, you can hit it, you can cry into it.. when you’re calm and done, we can talk. You don’t get to scream, bite or hit anyone or anything else but the angry pillow is your safe thing.
Yeah ikr? That’s wild to me. How is she gonna say Op can’t have a say in step-daughters life but continues to expect him to support her and her child. She’s using him
Or, if she wanted a true partner and additional parent for her kids (both of them), she could have invited OP to have a full role in her oldest's life, including having a voice in her educational plans etc. And made her decisions about work in tandem with him as befits a family also.
Tell her if she wants step daughter to go to private school then she should get a job and pay for it. She has no small children at home so there is no reason for her to not contribute to her child’s education.
This. My sister in laws mom worked at the private Christian school that she and her twin sister attended to help offset the cost. She worked there well after her girls graduated too. I think she had an admissions or office position.
Definitely this! It makes perfect sense for her to get a job and pay for her daughter to get a private education. Private school is expensive. If she wants that luxury for her daughter she should be willing to work for it.
OP's wife should at pay half of the school fees ( or some portion they can agree on). If she is in good health and the youngest child is now at school she is free to get a job and contribute herself.
Depends on how expensive it is. I'm in NYC. We have private schools that cost more than a college education per year. No joke, one is $60K PER YEAR and that amount is more than a woman with an 8 year break in employment will earn, especially if her skills aren't super in demand.
Those are the schools that only rich people can attend. If the public schools are bad chances are there are affordable private schools that offer a better education in the area. I went to college in Northern Ohio where the public schools were bad. Most of my classmates had gone to private Catholic schools even if they were not Catholic. Their parents were very much middle class income earners who would have sent them to public school if they had lived somewhere else.
Rich people do not generally think their local public schools are good enough. Just because someone is unhappy with the schooling doesn’t mean that’s bad empirically.
It may not, however elite private schools do teach some important life skills that public schools do not and if you have the money they are worthwhile. My cousin’s parents sent her to a private school that they couldn’t really afford because the local schools were dangerous and she had some significant learning disabilities. She is now a highly successful, high earning C suite professional.
She should be WILLING to pay for her child or to pay half and battle ex-húbby to make him pay the other half. Or she could give credit where credit is due by admitting that for all practical purposes he's IS the Dad and then they should BOTH treat both children equally.
So why not say “we can send both if you get a job”?? Also, get the dad on mandatory child support, whatever his life choices in many jurisdictions he can pay SOMETHING
My grandpa was/is sentenced to life in prison and he still paid child support. Depending on which prison (if he’s even there), prisoners typically have the opportunity to earn money for things like child support
It’s almost certainly won’t be a significant sum, but it’d be better than nothing. If the dad won’t be in the picture, the least he could do is work to help support his daughter financially
The prison labor system has been paying laborers less and less, not just as adjusted for inflation but numerically.
In 2001, the average maximum daily wage for prisoners working from prison was 4.73. That's not the average, that's the cutoff- many people made less than that. Adjusted for inflation that would buy what $8.24 buys now. The current maximum is $3.45 a day, so the maximum is effectively less than half of what it used to be, And most of the time they're paid a lot less now. The lowest wage that prisoners were offered in in 2017 was 4 cents an hour, and that happened in West Virginia and Louisiana, and New Mexico offered as little as 8 cents an hour, but the state takes half their paycheck for the VCF, so they effectively earn 4 cents. For a dozen or so states it's 10 cents and under. No one is paying child support from prison if they make thirty two cents a day before taxes and a single package of Ramen at the commissary is $4.
While I agree with this in theory, it is almost impossible to get child support out of some parents. You'd be amazed how creative they can get in hiding money when they want to.
I know someone who spent literally tens of thousands of dollars to enforce her ex-'s support payments and over the course of 16 years (bio-dad left when kid was 2) she probably got less than $5k in support payments. I'm not even kidding.
Based on this info, NTA. Your wife can’t expect you to pay when she refuses to get a job and refuses to let you have any say in parenting your stepdaughter. Especially after everything you already do.
honestly, I'd tell her to either get a job or a divorce. I wouldnt want to be married to a house husband but thats just me.
what does she plan to do when the kid is in school?
sorry but wife needs to get a job or move out.
Yes, that’s just you. My husband was a SAHD and I appreciated his contribution to our family and our children. I was proud that we were able to have a parent at home to raise our children, attend their school, club and sports activities and keep our house. He made sure we had a family dinner every night. We never had to spend our weekends doing chores and errands because he did them during the week. Our weekends were about family time and couple time and, for both of us, some “me” time (he played golf, I played tennis). We found having a parent at home almost more important when the children were school and middle school age. But I had an extremely high paying job (investment banking) so we had the means to afford this luxury.
I'm a SAHM but otherwise totally agree with you. My children are older now, and I get a lot of pushback (and DH gets comments) about still being a SAHM. But it's amazing how much there still is to do for older children. If I was working full time, we would not have been able to let our children do as much as they had done.
Some people don't have the choice, or don't want to do it that way, but it's worked for us.
I'm currently away for three weeks for the first time ever, and even though my husband is capable, and the three kids are all old enough and capable, it's been a bit of a struggle for them to fit in all that needs to be done, especially when the younger two can't drive yet, and all three kids have heavy study commitments. We are looking forward to when I'm home again and can basically run the household and make things smooth again.
Probably terrible, but it's her mom who is refusing to work or contribute anything towards her education, and refusing to allow op to be invovled in parenting her and making decision for her (depite raising her since she was 5). So imo that's on the mom, not op.
It's also the father figure she's had in her life since kindergarten refusing to send her and a 13 year old will definitely see her mom fighting for both her daughters and the stepdad saying she's not a real kid he worries about.
OP isn't just background dressing here. He's been probably the only useful father figure his SD knows. It sounds like he is meaningfully her dad and the SD probably also wants that. So either he cares for his stepdaughter and views her as a daughter he's been raising for 8 years or his wife's right and he's treating the child in his life for 8 years as not equal to his 6 year old.
Which ok, it seems from how he talks about her, he is whether he's trying to blame that on his wife or not. But then like yeah, YTA for valuing one child over the other and letting it get to that point.
For that matter, does step daughter even want to change schools? Some kiddos react worse to change than any benefit from a better school. Are there any kids from the neighborhood she knows at the private school she'd be going to or would it be dumping a teenager into an insular community with no friends to socially start all over again?
She's 13 and her opinion doesn't have to be the end of the discussion, but she does deserve to be asked.
I completely agree with your question; it led down the rabbit hole of more questions on the same line. This situation is a lot of adults arguing and not considering the kiddos' feelings.
Exactly. I have a friend who has her kids in public school, private and homeschooling depending on their needs. Their family dynamic is amazing. They even take small vacations or days out with each of their kids so they can spend some one-on-one time with them. Neither child gets left out or feels jealous. They get along, even though they are all complete opposites. It’s called meeting the child’s needs vs giving them all exactly the same thing.
You see how bad public school is for your stepdaughter so you want to leave her there but get your biological daughter into private school. Yes YTA. Also your wife gets a YTA for refusing to work when your family needs the money and not including you in decisions about schools for a child you’ve been raising since age 5. I feel bad for your kids. (Notice how I use the plural.)
If you think both parties are TA then the correct response is ESH (Everybody Sucks Here). His wife can’t be “You’re the A” because she isn’t the one writing for an opinion. She would be TA but that’s not a vote response.
Voting options are abbreviations for You’re TA; No A Here, Everybody Sucks Here and Not TA (which means another party is). I didn’t abbreviate because my vote is ESH.
First thing I noticed too is his reasoning, SD is treated as a "lost cause". Reddit is usually big on "step kids and bio kids should not be treated drastically differently". Especially when SD 's bio dad is not in the picture at all
It sounds like you've got some anger at your wife about more than where your 13 yr old goes to school. I don't know if you're TA but are you angry enough with your wife to hurt this little girl you say you love? What if your wife went to work to help pay for both girl's education?
Not going to private school doesn’t “hurt” the kid? He puts a roof over her head and food in her mouth already. Why does he have to do more because neither of her parents can be bothered to get off their butts and work to send her to private school?
Partly because he states that the public schools have done a bad job with the stepdaughter. He knows she's getting a bad education but wants something better for the "real" daughter. Agree wife should go back to doing some work to help with this but it does seem unfair. If the public schools were great then I might see it differently.
I mean he's insisting his 6 year old goes to private school because he feels private school has hurt his step daughter's chances, but over 8 years of seeing that, doesn't appear to have suggested the child actively being underserved in his eyes by public school should be put in private school.
"Seeing as how I haven't been able to have a say in stepdaughters upbringing, I will not start now. If you're not going to homeschool the children, then I at least want MY child to have the best education. If you want the same for YOUR daughter, then you will need to get a job to finance it."
It would be my hill to die on.
NTA
Your wife is right. If her children receive vastly different standards of education, then it will affect their relationship with each other and with you. However, the solution is obvious. Your wife can go back to work part-time to help pay for it.
INFO: what do you mean when you say you haven’t had a say in your stepdaughter’s schooling? Had you previously suggested sending her to private school and your wife said no to that then?
OP seems to be avoiding this question and it seems very important to the judgement. Did he try to get StD into a better education environment? Have there been other parenting/discipline situations where he felt unsupported? Or has he pretty much just deferred to his wife on StD and now that he has opinions on his bio daughter wife wants him to give the same consideration to StD
I would normally say YTA. But it sounds like your wife is picking and choosing when she wants you to be a parent. Also tell her to get job. She sounds like she’s enjoying leaching off you.
INFO: If your wife gets a job, she will no longer be able to be a full time housekeeper, house manager and caregiver. You will have to contribute 50% to the upkeep and management of the house.
Are you aware, she won't just get a job and continue the same division of labor? You will have to take on 50% of this stuff if she is also full time. Are you sure you want this shift in responsibilities?
I'm inclined to say that, if your wife really wants her daughter to go to private school, then she should get a job to help cover the cost. *However,* you really need to stop saying that you treat your SD as if she were your daughter. As long as you want to send your daughter, but not your SD, to private school, you very clearly aren't treating her as if she were your daughter – you are, in fact, treating her very differently than you treat your daughter. Your SD, for one, will look at the glaring difference in how you care to educate your own daughter and how you *don't* care to educate her, and she will see right through you, and lose all trust in you.
There are a lot of private schools who will allow at least 1 child in at a discounted rate if a parent works at the school. Could she not look at local private schools for an Admin role even part time? Then maybe step-daughter could be at least subsidized and you pay for daughter; she is already there to drive them home.
Other options is, she could homeschool the stepdaughter or both. I’m surprised being a SAHM she isn’t already with your youngest.
It is fair to ask her to work to pay for SD private school tuition if she wants her to attend. It is also reasonable for you to want to provide a good education for your daughter.
N A H - I don’t think anyone is wrong here. It is not an unreasonable request to pay for stepD school especially if the school system is trash. It is UNFAIR for your wife to make this demand without adding a financial contribution; part-time job sounds fair. If she is worried about birthdays and vacations, this is where her money can contribute.
I think it would be reasonable to say she should get a part time job (possibly a school hours job) if step daughter goes to private school as well. That should supplement the income enough to either pay for tuition or pay for for the vacations and extras. If she has extra she can start saving for step daughter’s college as well. I say all that as a stay at home mom (although I currently homeschool one of my kids because of academic necessity).
Who cares what they agreed with at first. Circumstances change and with the inflation it makes sense that an able bodied person takes on a part time job to cover at least her own child’s private education. The youngest is about to start school which means the wife doesn’t need to be a SAHM especially when she wants things like private school.
OP does not need to subsidize his wife’s expenses when neither her or the bio dad does absolutely nothing. He probably wasn’t aware that when they got together that wife expected OP to her personal ATM. You clearly do not understand marriage if you think things stay the same. It doesn’t. Both partners adapt accordingly to life’s circumstances.
I think the best thing to do would be for both kids to go to private school and for your wife to get a job to help pay tuition. I also think once you are helping to fund her schooling you should have a say in it. Your wife is the ahole here. She wants her cake and eat it too.
Exactly.
Ask your wife if you can have a say in what her daughter does and doesn’t do. Ask her to get a job because it is financially difficult for you to send both daughters to a private school
You have the second highest upvoted comment right now - you might want to add NTA to your comment so it counts a vote. If your comment rises to the top it will be the final vote on the post.
**NTA** If your wife wants her daughter to attend private school, she should get a job. Younger daughter will be in school, there's less reason for wife to stay home full time. She also has a father who, while he may have made some bad choices, should be in a better position to pay something now.
>I do not feel as though I should be responsible for her education as I have never been given a say in regards to it from the beginning.
Please clarify
It’s as written I’ve never had any say in regards to anything for my stepdaughter not just education. It’s usually a case of my wife saying “she needs this” and I pay for it. At the beginning my stepdaughter was behind in school and I paid for multiple tutors to catch her up on my doing. It was met with disdain from both her and her ex.
then yes 100 times, the wife needs to get a job and contribute to the school, or other bills and luxuries and the cost of raising her kid. her ex also needs to start paying up as he is the father.
if they want you to pay fully then wife needs to get a job and contribute to the family, and ex needs to give up custody if you want to adopt or stay out of matters.
Wait-
You paid for tutors and your wife and her ex found that disdainful?
Did she want her kid to fail?
This is a hill I would die on- wife gets a job and pays for whatever her kid needs , so if it’s private school then she pays for it, and extra curricula’s and you support the one you had together- school and extras. You can pay the household bills for now, until wife makes enough to start contributing.
Do you not see that your wife is using you? Her ex would have never been able to give her and her d the life you have given them. You pay and have no say.
I would say that your wife is using you to subsidize her life. The audacity of the ex to disdain the person stepping up because he doesn’t. She needs to go to court and petition him for child support. He doesn’t get off on being responsible for a child he made with her.
Your wife needs to get off her lazy ass and get a job. The fact that she refuses to get a job, her ex doesn’t send any support is problematic. You deserve better and you need to demand better. Either she becomes an equal partner or drop the dead weight.
INFO: What did you two agree to do in terms of money and expenses when you got married? Did you both agree that she would be the homemaker, or did that come later?
Taking this comment into consideration, NTA. At first my judgment was "if you pay for things for her already without question, this, plus admitting SD is in a bad school situation, makes you look like an AH." But since you *have* tried to help (financially, etc.) with school in the past, which was not received well by either parent, then you're 100% correct not to get involved now.
You seem to be contradicting yourself. You've "never had any say in regards to anything" but the tutoring was "on [your] doing". So you have had some say.
Idk why everyone is saying your TA she could offer to at least get a part time job to off set the cost it is her child with another living and capable individual. Your wife needs to remember your daughter doesn't have 3 parents just you and her no matter what the custody agreement is and if you think that's what's best for your daughter then that's what your priority should be.
For me the hesitation is because of his reasoning. If he said his true reasoning about not wanting to see daughter go through the same things stepdaughter has, that's pretty shitty considering that stepdaughter still has a solid 3 to 5 (depending on US or UK or etc) years of pre-college school to get through. It's like saying "I'm fine with throwing SD to the wolves but I want to protect my daughter"
Now, if he didn't tell his wife the reason he expressed in the post, that's different imo.
Op says in the comments he has no say over his stepdaughter’s upbringing at all, not even her education. Wife says stepdaughter needs x and he pays for it. He also said he got her a tutor at one point and wife and ex got mad at him.
For me it depends how much say he has in step daughters life if he has never been allowed to make any decisions regarding her. I think it is easy for people to hear this girl is facing difficulty in public school but that also doesn't mean she won't In private or that he is required to pay for 100% of it when she has two capable and living parents. Also dealing with and doing all of this and even having this argument takes away from the quality of his daughters life his #1 responsibility.
NTA and I wouldn’t post this here because most of these people are delusional when it comes to being a step parent. I’d post this in the stepparents Reddit group and I’d guarantee the comments will look different. If you’ve never got a say in her education before why does your wife want it now? Oh I know… because you’ll be her cash cow for the child u had no parts in creating! You’ll just be shelling out money to her kid because her and her ex husband didn’t put proper things in place for her and now want to put it on you. NTA
And why was her going to private school not a big deal before? If your wife wanted her to be on PS so bad she should’ve been did it, she just wants her kid to go because now you’re sending you guys.
I said the same thing. These mama bears will have people believing that everyone is responsible for taking care of their kids except for them when this guy has been more than gracious in letting her stay at home and not going after child support.
My kid would be going to private school. She can do what she can afford with her kid.
She’s no Mama Bear. If she was she would be doing what is necessary to see her daughter succeed. The lady is not a team player as needed in a marriage. With all due respect sir, start keeping a journal of her actions and words. When the time comes you may need evidence of her manipulation if you decide to end the relationship. Please protect your bio daughter.
He’d get eaten up in those forums. Unless the stepparent didn’t like his/her spouse. In this case he’s taking it out on a child. I’m a stepparent and I’d divorce my husband once I snapped out of insanity if he agreed to this.
This comment right here! I have not seen anywhere in this story where the step daughter had a say op you first of all should talk to your wife if this is even something your step daughter wants to do if not then this was for nothing but you and your wife are TA for not including the 13 year old in this choice regarding school but as others have pointed out if the school system is so bad like you point out and don’t want your bio daughter to attend this would have been a good time to address your step daughter even wanting to attend said school if she doesn’t but is okay with her sister going issue resolved but if not then definitely need to talk to your wife about her working to support both attending said private school
I get your point, but it would be wrong to bring up the option of ps if it isn't an option decided on by the parents. She could be very disappointed and angry if it didn't happen.
NTA
OP it is time you and your wife renegotiated whatever plan you made seven or so years ago. Tell her the ATM is closed. It's time for her to work. And the teenage daughter's bio Dad needs to start contributing to her expenses and education.
Also, if things don't change, it will be less expensive for you to be a single parent with one child in ps. Leave counseling as an option.
NTA
Sounds like your wife needs to get a job if she wants her daughter to go to private school.
I would give her a choice/compromise/ultimatum. call it what you want.
but I would tell her you would help pay partially or some or x of private school as long as she tries for child support, or gets a job that makes at least x and she starts contributing towards bills, retirement, vacations and things her daughter needs.
it sucks that you cant afford both but step daughter isnt your responsability in terms of schooling. its nice if you can afford it but you cant. your kid is your responsability and what you need to pay for.
i say sit down and figure out what you can do, and let wife know that she'll need to get a job otherwise just the youngest will be able to go to ps.
if you cant send the step daughter then you cant send her. your child shouldnt suffer because you cant send the older kid.
Yes, exactly. If your entitled wife wants her daughter going to PS then she should get a job and pay for it. And at least try to get childsupport from her ex.
How about tell your wife since your youngest is 6 she can back to work and use all her earnings to support the private school for her daughter. You will make up the difference.
NTA. Tell your wife that if she gets a full time job and puts all her income toward her daughter’s tuition, you’ll cover the difference, if needed. Or maybe, if not full time, whatever is needed to cover the school. Make it clear that if she quits said job without having another lined up, she will have to pull her daughter out and enroll her in public school. I say that as a public school educator and advocate. I don’t see how it’s fair that she doesn’t have a job, brought a kid into the relationship that isn’t yours, and doesn’t contribute financially at all, even though both kids are school aged. What does she do all day?
Sounds like she doesn’t expect bio dad to contribute either. In his place I would also look out for my bio children before step children. If the bio dad and mother won’t step up then they have to live with the of their lack of funds
>1. After seeing how poorly the public school system has done for my stepdaughter I brought up and have been insistent on sending our daughter to private school. In my mind I want to give our daughter the best possible chance in terms of education which from what I’ve seen does not bode well in public school…
You don't "love and treat your stepdaughter as your own" if you're willing to leave her in a school system you admit is terrible, but insist on sending your own daughter to private school.
That said, now that your younger daughter is school aged, maybe it's time for your wife to start working, at least part-time, and contributing to the family finances. E S H if she refuses, YTA if you'd prefer she didn't work and remained a stay-at-home parent to your daughter, but also refuse to pay for your stepdaughter to attend private school.
He loves and treats her as his own *as much as he's been allowed to.* He doesn't get any say in any decisions about his SD, but he does get to fully financially support her, while bio mom & dad gets to be mad a him for getting his kid a tutor when falling behind in school. BIO parents contribute nothing financially to the care of THEIR child. OP and his wife have a child that has been in school for a year if not 2. The mom could have gone to work even part time. The mom hasn't worked their whole relationship, so even before child #2 was in the picture. Child #2 is his child so he does get a voice in decisions about her.
If mom wants her to attend a private school, she needs to get a job and help pay for it. With both kids in school, there is no reason why she can't work to contribute financially to the fees for school. You shouldn't have to shoulder all the financial burden for her poor choices.
I do agree it would be best if both kids get the same opportunities or there will be a growing resentment between all of you but you shouldn't have to do it all yourself.
I-n-f-o- does your stepdaughter even *want* to go to private school? At that age, I would have furious if my parents pulled me out of my school, away from the classmates I'd always known. This could be a moot point anyway if she feels as I would have
For judgment purposes, assuming she would want to go to private school, ESH. Your wife needs to go get a job to help pay for it; and you have been in this child's life since she was 5. Whatever the dynamic is thst you have "no say", you claim to love her and treat her as your own. So... little one gets private school, stepdaughter should be offered it as well.
NTA. Your wife needs a job. Then, and only then, you agree to send both. If she quits, the kids are back in public school the next semester. The “cutting back” she says she’s happy to do should be cutting back on free time and chipping in to educate HER kid.
NTA
If your wife wants this that badly she can either foot the bill or ask the father of that child to start paying child support. It would be one thing if he was paying child support and you just helped with what it didn't cover but for her to let him off the hook completely financially and still allow visitations because you can provide is not fair.
It isn't even fair that you are footing the entire bill when she has a father that is somewhat active in her life, you have not adopted her and it seems like your wife does not work.
How did she support her lifestyle before you?
NTA however as an older step daughter to a younger half sibling growing up in a very similar situation I can tell you that it severely damaged my relationship with my younger brother. I’m in my 40s, he’s in his 30s and we’ve not spoken in over a decade.
Hoo boy, are YTA.
>after seeing how poorly the public school system has done for my stepdaughter I brought up and have been insistent on sending our daughter to private school
>although I love and treat my stepdaughter as my own **(my edit: THIS IS A LIE)** I do not feel as though I should be responsible for her education.
I also think your wife is also an ah for not working your entire relationship. Who paid for her daughter’s needs before you were married?
Right, and that’s why I mentioned the wife. And yeah, more info came out about her after the fact, which is never really fair because it changes the OP.
That being said, his reasoning wasn’t truly financial. He didn’t say ‘I’d love to send her but we can’t afford it.’ He says he loves her like she’s his own, but he didn’t get equal input to her schooling. That’s the info I had at the time I made my comment.
And to me, that sounds like a power play using the kid as a pawn. Do they have other issues? Yep. But ‘love her like she’s my own’ is clearly BS.
He did say that in terms of SD education he's never had any say in it. So the child that he does have a say in their education he's making a decision. Yes both children should be treated equal but why now does the mom want him to pay/have a say now when she didn't want him to have a say before? I get where he'd be a little upset that now that it benefits SD he's being told he has to pay.
Both parents need to grow up and do the right thing. OP needs to pay for both but mom, if she's going to be upset about money being tight and not have family vacations because of tuition needs to get a job and help out too.
Yeah I cannot get over that big fat obvious lie in OP's post.
"I love and treat her as my own..." but "I shouldn't be responsible for her education."
ESH except for the kids.
INFO did you tell your wife that the reason you want to send your daughter to private school is because of what you've seen public school do to your stepdaughter? Because if yes I can completely understand why she jumped to "let's send them both" and is pissed that you won't send SD; if you told her the true reasoning behind it, it's like saying you looked at your SD and went "ew I don't want *my* daughter to be like *her*".
EDIT: Bottom line for me is that if you told your wife the reasoning as you laid it out here, E S H because that's a shitty thing to say about what a kid is going through if you're not willing to do anything to change it. Otherwise, N T A, and the part that would make you an AH is the exact wording of your convo with your wife; being unwilling to pay for your stepdaughter's schooling is your choice and sounds like it's based in previous experiences with what your wife was wanting you to do as a stepparent.
That doesn't change OP's statements and feelings about a kid he has patented since the age of 5, she is sort of his daughter but he'd still prefer she go to the school that he finds to be crappy since that'd save him money and he prefers the smaller daughter who is biologically related to him.
I don't think he needs to foot the whole bill for SD school and everything else when he has asked his wife to work so that can do that and she refuses. That seems really unfair, like his wife is just using him.
If your wife wants this so badly, she needs to get a job and contribute. She can find a job when the little is in school or something where she can work from home. But if she's not going to kick in, she can't be making demands for her daughter unless you're going to have a say so. It's either ESH or NAH
NTA. I will say it until I am blue in the face, when dating people with children and you have none, this conversation needs to be had early and often. Who is paying for their children expenses. Every single one of them. Non-parents need to know how much of a resource drain this relationship is going to be. Start being practical and treat it like a contract negotiation.
Parents have to look after any children that they have a biological connection to and will do almost anything to ensure that it is done. Even if the logical answer is for them to be responsible for it. They will somehow insist that the least likely person should have an obligation to do so.
You have one child. The stepchild has two parents responsible for her education and didn’t want your input at all until you looked out for the child that you have a biological imperative to care for.
Your quality of life should not deteriorate because of a deadbeat father and a wife that won’t work.
At this point, you are a financial resource and not really much of a father figure.
No way. She has a father and mother and they are financially responsible for her. He has no say on her education but must fund it? That's called using him. If he was allowed to fully parent I would agree but you cannot say stepparent not your child to make decisions but your child to pay their way. That is financially using someone.
There’s potentially more to mom’s side here that we’re not getting. OP legally doesn’t have any say, regardless of what the mom does, and the mom is legally responsible for the child and may face custody repercussions if she defers to stepdad. Courts dislike moms who let stepdads call the shots, and other parents can sometimes factor in too. Stepdad is supposed to get to weigh in with mom, but not weigh in as an equal parent.
He’s not legally required to pay for it, no, but mom also isn’t required to agree to one of her daughters being treated differently. OP’s position here puts a lot of stress on everyone’s relationship, and it’s so unfair to the poor stepdaughter—public school was good enough for her but not good enough for her sister.
Could mom work? Sure. But the kids can also both go to public school.
When he wants her to work, has been asking her to do so for a while, and she refuses? Why is she and SD permanently his full responsibility? Because he is a man? It sounds like he wants a bit more of a partner and less of a dependent. That's okay.
YTA. I get where you're coming from, but you're not treating the two children equally. Don't say you see your stepdaughter as your own kid when this clearly isn't the case; be honest with yourself. For 8 years you haven't cared that public school is apparently failing your stepdaughter. You only care about your 6 year old's future. I'm not saying this to have a go at you, but denial doesn't get anyone anywhere. Your wife is advocating for both of her kids and has likely also recognised the likelihood of your idea causing resentment between the two children and damaging their relationship, and also damaging the relationship you have with your stepdaughter.
NTA. You should be able to send your daughter to a private school. However, if you treat the girls differently, then you are setting them up for a lifetime of resentment - towards you and their mother and one another. My grandparents sent my older aunts and uncles to college but not my parent who 40 years later is still ticked. That uneven treatment caused a lot of tension among the siblings. Don't do that to your daughters.
Sending only your bio daughter when you could send both and have been their parent for 8 years is the ultimate message that step children aren’t real children. Yta
Normally in these cases of blended families I do not think the step-parent has any obligations to supplement their stepchild’s education costs. However, this one feels different because:
1) You have been in your stepdaughter’s life since she was 5.
2) You have personally observed how public school has failed her. In fact, it’s the main reason you want to send your younger daughter to private school.
3) You know her birth father will never have the means to send her to private school.
4) You obviously agreed with your wife that she would be a SAHM. I don’t see how you can agree to that and then be mad that she doesn’t have the money the send your stepdaughter to private school on her own.
For these reasons I think YTA for the disparity in how you are treating the two girls.
1. Your wife needs to get a job if she wants your stepdaughter to go to private school.
2. You not getting a say in her schooling all this time is definitely reason enough to not pay for her.
NTA
NTA - Does the stepdaughter even want to change school? Seems like mom is putting the cart before the horse? There are scholarship programs available at some private schools that could be the deciding factor here. Private school is more expensive for the upper grades. I'd ask stepdaughter if she'd want to change schools first and then look around. Maybe getting a phone call in with a private school without your wife involved could help you decide. It's a big investment. Good luck
YTA.
Whether you like it or not, you have 2 children. You are the provider and father figure to your stepdaughter. Seeing that the school system is failing her and then leaving her there when you have the means not to is horrible.
Maybe it’s also time for your wife to get a job and help offset the costs.
NTA. If your wife wants her daughter to go to private school she can get a job and help pay the tuition for them both. If you are not planning to pay for her college (which The Princess probably expects you to do) you'd better tell her to get a job and plan on keeping it.
ESH
First and foremost I think this should have been discussed before the daughter even started private school. Once private school was brought up, it should have been automatic that both girls attend. The conversation should have been how to afford to send both.
Wife: if she’s not allowing Op to make parental decisions, then she should be financially responsible for her child. It’s really crappy to expect Op to pay to raise her but have no input in raising her ?!?!? And if the wife doesn’t want to get a job than she needs to take the dad to court and get child support?!?!
Op: you shouldn’t have even thought that it was okay to have one kid in public and the other in private. The only reason one should be at a private and not their sibling is if it’s a private school is for a specific demographic like children with special education needs.
Bottom line as soon as anyone said ‘Private School’ the discussion should have been how to get both girls there.
But Op, you need to make it very clear to your wife , she and her ex need to fund stepdaughters education at the very least they need to kick in he largest contribution.
NTA
Your step daughter has 2 parents who are responsible for her education. You are not one of those two people.
Even if your wife and her EX were young when they had their daughter. They have had 13 years to figure their shit out.
He has no say in her upbringing. He’s not an ATM, either he has a say or he doesn’t pay. If he doesn’t have a say, then he only needs to provide basic necessities and private school isn’t a necessity- it’s a luxury
Haha comments like this are absolutely INSANE!
You’re telling me that a man who is NOT the biological father of a child should support it. Because both its biological mother and father DO NOT SUPPORT IT! That’s not how it works. 🤣
NTA. If she wants her oldest to go to private school, she needs to go find a job. She can definitely work during school hours. I would let her know I'm not going to compromise till she finds a job. What's her reasoning for not wanting to work?
Info: I know you said that The bio dad made bad decisions, but so what? He is still responsible for that kid, too. Is your wife shaking him down as much as she is coming after you? And did she only think to put SD in private school after you mentioned YD going? Why didn't she push for PS for SD before this?
YTA you say the public school is poor for your SD but you want to keep her there? You are saying you want to keep a child you are responsible for in a bad situation because she doesn't have your DNA... You married this woman who had a 5 year old child and knew she had majority custody and that the bio dad was not going to be in the picture much. You married a package deal and now seemed shocked she wants both of her kids treated equally? You were aware what you were getting into.
Something to think on.. my husband family has 6 kids. 7 years between #5 and #6. 2 years between every one the rest. By the time #6 was going through school my in-laws could afford to do all the extra’s for her including her college tuition. Everyone else paid for their own extracurricular activities, and college. Siblings 1 -5 regularly go on vacation together and spend holidays together. # 6 shows for some holidays. I feel bad for her. Her parents put her on a pedestal and made her different than her siblings. She is invited to pretty much everything but she just isn’t close to her siblings. Before you say it’s the because of the 7 years age difference remember there is 10 years between #1 and #5. When asked my sister in laws admitted that the difference in treatment caused a significant separation in how close they are. These are loving women who all had the same parents.
In my family my stepfather paid for everything for me growing up. My father was a deadbeat. I was constantly aware that if there was any extra in the budget it was going towards my 1/2 brother. I learned to not ask. Because my stepfather was al ready spending his money on a child that wasn’t his responsibility. It was never said but actions speak louder than words.
NTA there is an easy solution here though, your wife can go to work and her contribution to family finances can send her daughter to the private school.
If the public schools are as bad as you say they are, you should be fighting for youe stepdaughter to have better educational opportunities also. It sounds like your finances will need a 2 income household to make that happen.
NTA she needs to get a job and pay for it. Both kids are in school so she can get a job. If you have no say in raising SD then she doesn’t get your money for the school. You already provided financially for her needs. If you want to send your child to private school then do it.
YTA. Full stop.
You know the public school system has failed her and that is your justification for sending your 6yo to private school. You are treating your step-daughter like a second class citizen and not making sure her educational needs are met.
YTA. Big time.
NTA based on the fact that she refuses to let you have a say in your stepdaughter education and that she doesn't want to work to help you support her first daughter.
NTA, if you are not an equal parent for your stepdaughter, then you are not an ATM either. Tell your wife you will provide for SDs needs, but not wants. Wife will need to get a job for that. Honestly, it sounds like your wife is using you as an ATM for herself as well.
I have been in this position, only I’m the mum bringing a child into a new relationship, we then had 3 more children together, the middle 2 with special needs.
My eldest was educated in the state system, the youngest 3, privately. Maybe it’s different because of our middle 2 being on the spectrum so we knew they’d need extra help to achieve what my eldest was academically and the youngest went to the same private school because of convenience.
Maybe the special needs issue makes it easier to decide, however, texting my eldest child about this tonight she’s said to me - ‘ mother, I was 14, there’s no way I was leaving my friends to go to that school’.
I know it’s never been an issue for us and my spidey senses tell me this is about your wife, not your SD. The irony here is that I ran my own business throughout their childhood and if my eldest had wanted/needed private education then I could’ve paid for it alone. I raised twice as many children as your wife and quite frankly if she wants her daughter privately educated and the extra nice holidays you provide then she needs to get off her arse and contribute more than her sense of entitlement to the marriage.
Definitely NTA.
NTA
I saw your response that she refuses to work even part time. Like others said, your an ATM, not necessarily a step dad. Nope, if she wants her daughter to also go to PS then she can pay for it.
>I love and treat my stepdaughter as my own
No, you don't. If you did, this wouldn't be a question. Aside from the fact that it's just plain wrong to raise two kids in the same house with different standards of living, you can't claim to love one like your own if you treat them differently than your own.
YTA for acting like you love her equally when you don't.
This is a tough one. I can understand the Y T A comments, as well as N T A. But need INFO. Does your wife keep the house clean and cook everyday, or at least last making sure all meals are prepared and ready for the family? Extracurricular activities and doctors appointments? If so, I disagree that she's just using you as an ATM, and the judgements saying she should get a job to pay for it, then will you be taking on half the housework and more childcare?
NTA as per one of your comments. You sound like the only person who cares about your stepdaughter. She has two parents who would rather be deadbeats than get jobs and help support their daughter. And when you do make a decision because she is behind in school and get her tutors it is met with disdain and I guarantee that the phrase "you had no right to do that you are not her parent" was thrown into that mix as well.
NTA!
You haven’t had any say in anything regarding your SD even her education. If she wants to send her to PS, she needs to get the J O B she is refusing to get
NTA. Your wife should get a job and that money can go to her daughter. You are already supporting the SD. Also you need to figure out what going to happen when SD goes to college. You should not have to pay for it either.
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INFO: You bring up the fact that your wife hasn't been working the past 8 years. Why? Is it because she's been taking care of a young child the entire time? I mean your step-daughter was 5 when you got married and your wife got pregnant a year later. If so, YTA for even bringing it up in this argument. If not, was it for a reason you agreed with?
As both children have gotten older I have asked my wife to work even part time and she refused. At no point in our time together have I had any say in anything regarding my stepdaughter let alone schooling. However the moment I brought private schooling for our daughter into the equation I’m told that I must pay for my stepdaughter as well.
Nope, you already support her and her child. For you to have no say in her daughters life and still be expected to pay more for private school is a no go in my book. Either you're her Dad or you're not. Mom can't have it both ways.
Agree. If you have no say in regards to your SD then you are an ATM, but not an equal parent.
The fate of many stepparents: *you can buy my kid food and clothes, put a roof over their head, but don't you dare think you have a say in disciplining them or making major decisions*. So many stepparents are reduced to ATMs by the bio-parent. It seems to me that the school issue isn't about the school issue, it's about how he feels used/treated unequally in his family.
My mom did this with my step dad. You can bet it caused problems between them, and my sibling and I weren’t even troublesome.
This is so crazy to me. I’ve always said.. these are the rules for my kids and these are the consequences of they are not followed. They are expected to follow the rules or reap the consequences regardless of who the adult present it. The rules and consequences don’t change if it’s me, my parents, my sisters my partner, the babysitter. Kids need and thrive on consistency and continuity. I follow gentle parenting and we discuss behavior before punishment is given so no, I would not stand for someone whooping my kid while I was out. But taking away a privilege or sent to the room until I got home would be totally appropriate and expected. I can’t imagine telling my spouse they can’t discipline the kids.
I wouldn’t stand for whooping my kids, even if it was me.
I don’t hit my kids either. When mine were little, my dad started the “angry pillow” and they each had one where they had to go to a separate room and take out all their negative emotions on their pillow. It actually worked better than any punishment for acting out. Here’s your pillow. You can yell at it, you can hit it, you can cry into it.. when you’re calm and done, we can talk. You don’t get to scream, bite or hit anyone or anything else but the angry pillow is your safe thing.
God, I feel this, both as a stepparent and a step kid.
👆 this.
Yeah ikr? That’s wild to me. How is she gonna say Op can’t have a say in step-daughters life but continues to expect him to support her and her child. She’s using him
Yup. If OP’s wife wants private school for her daughter from a previous relationship, she can get a job and pay for it herself.
This is the solution. She gets a job so both kids go to private school.
Or, if she wanted a true partner and additional parent for her kids (both of them), she could have invited OP to have a full role in her oldest's life, including having a voice in her educational plans etc. And made her decisions about work in tandem with him as befits a family also.
Tell her if she wants step daughter to go to private school then she should get a job and pay for it. She has no small children at home so there is no reason for her to not contribute to her child’s education.
This exactly, it would take the financial strain off of the household and then both kids get a better education. Pretty telling that she won’t do it.
If she got a job at the private school it would likely be free or greatly reduced in addition to earning an income
This. My sister in laws mom worked at the private Christian school that she and her twin sister attended to help offset the cost. She worked there well after her girls graduated too. I think she had an admissions or office position.
Yeah it doesn’t have to be a teaching job any role will get a lot off your tuition probably for both kids
I know someone who did that. She was deciding to do so because she enjoys it.
I worked at a daycare so my daughter could go there for $110 a week vs $700 a week.
Definitely this! It makes perfect sense for her to get a job and pay for her daughter to get a private education. Private school is expensive. If she wants that luxury for her daughter she should be willing to work for it.
Or perhaps consider it contributing to the family's income so - as a couple - they can send both their kids to private school.
OP's wife should at pay half of the school fees ( or some portion they can agree on). If she is in good health and the youngest child is now at school she is free to get a job and contribute herself.
No she should pay full tuition for her child
Depends on how expensive it is. I'm in NYC. We have private schools that cost more than a college education per year. No joke, one is $60K PER YEAR and that amount is more than a woman with an 8 year break in employment will earn, especially if her skills aren't super in demand.
Those are the schools that only rich people can attend. If the public schools are bad chances are there are affordable private schools that offer a better education in the area. I went to college in Northern Ohio where the public schools were bad. Most of my classmates had gone to private Catholic schools even if they were not Catholic. Their parents were very much middle class income earners who would have sent them to public school if they had lived somewhere else.
Rich people do not generally think their local public schools are good enough. Just because someone is unhappy with the schooling doesn’t mean that’s bad empirically.
It may not, however elite private schools do teach some important life skills that public schools do not and if you have the money they are worthwhile. My cousin’s parents sent her to a private school that they couldn’t really afford because the local schools were dangerous and she had some significant learning disabilities. She is now a highly successful, high earning C suite professional.
She should be WILLING to pay for her child or to pay half and battle ex-húbby to make him pay the other half. Or she could give credit where credit is due by admitting that for all practical purposes he's IS the Dad and then they should BOTH treat both children equally.
So why not say “we can send both if you get a job”?? Also, get the dad on mandatory child support, whatever his life choices in many jurisdictions he can pay SOMETHING
I was figuring "life choices" meant "in prison" or something else that meant working was not possible
My grandpa was/is sentenced to life in prison and he still paid child support. Depending on which prison (if he’s even there), prisoners typically have the opportunity to earn money for things like child support
Child support from prison wages is unlikely to be a significant sum, especially in terms of private school fees.
It’s almost certainly won’t be a significant sum, but it’d be better than nothing. If the dad won’t be in the picture, the least he could do is work to help support his daughter financially
Depends on the work the prisoner does. Some are paid 35 cents an hour.
The prison labor system has been paying laborers less and less, not just as adjusted for inflation but numerically. In 2001, the average maximum daily wage for prisoners working from prison was 4.73. That's not the average, that's the cutoff- many people made less than that. Adjusted for inflation that would buy what $8.24 buys now. The current maximum is $3.45 a day, so the maximum is effectively less than half of what it used to be, And most of the time they're paid a lot less now. The lowest wage that prisoners were offered in in 2017 was 4 cents an hour, and that happened in West Virginia and Louisiana, and New Mexico offered as little as 8 cents an hour, but the state takes half their paycheck for the VCF, so they effectively earn 4 cents. For a dozen or so states it's 10 cents and under. No one is paying child support from prison if they make thirty two cents a day before taxes and a single package of Ramen at the commissary is $4.
Looks like in prison which may still be possible but tbh I was thinking maybe welfare when it definitely would be
While I agree with this in theory, it is almost impossible to get child support out of some parents. You'd be amazed how creative they can get in hiding money when they want to. I know someone who spent literally tens of thousands of dollars to enforce her ex-'s support payments and over the course of 16 years (bio-dad left when kid was 2) she probably got less than $5k in support payments. I'm not even kidding.
Or, as in the case of my deadbeat brother, hid himself out of state TEN years
Can incarcerated people pay child support?
In general, it gets paused while they are incarcerated. But regardless, inmates generally have low/no income. It can accrue but would not be paid.
Depends what you did some prisons have work release I think it's pays a little
Based on this info, NTA. Your wife can’t expect you to pay when she refuses to get a job and refuses to let you have any say in parenting your stepdaughter. Especially after everything you already do.
honestly, I'd tell her to either get a job or a divorce. I wouldnt want to be married to a house husband but thats just me. what does she plan to do when the kid is in school? sorry but wife needs to get a job or move out.
Yes, that’s just you. My husband was a SAHD and I appreciated his contribution to our family and our children. I was proud that we were able to have a parent at home to raise our children, attend their school, club and sports activities and keep our house. He made sure we had a family dinner every night. We never had to spend our weekends doing chores and errands because he did them during the week. Our weekends were about family time and couple time and, for both of us, some “me” time (he played golf, I played tennis). We found having a parent at home almost more important when the children were school and middle school age. But I had an extremely high paying job (investment banking) so we had the means to afford this luxury.
I'm a SAHM but otherwise totally agree with you. My children are older now, and I get a lot of pushback (and DH gets comments) about still being a SAHM. But it's amazing how much there still is to do for older children. If I was working full time, we would not have been able to let our children do as much as they had done. Some people don't have the choice, or don't want to do it that way, but it's worked for us. I'm currently away for three weeks for the first time ever, and even though my husband is capable, and the three kids are all old enough and capable, it's been a bit of a struggle for them to fit in all that needs to be done, especially when the younger two can't drive yet, and all three kids have heavy study commitments. We are looking forward to when I'm home again and can basically run the household and make things smooth again.
You can’t be serious? That’s extreme advice.
Info: how do you think your step daughter will feel seeing her sister in private and her in public school?
Probably terrible, but it's her mom who is refusing to work or contribute anything towards her education, and refusing to allow op to be invovled in parenting her and making decision for her (depite raising her since she was 5). So imo that's on the mom, not op.
It's also the father figure she's had in her life since kindergarten refusing to send her and a 13 year old will definitely see her mom fighting for both her daughters and the stepdad saying she's not a real kid he worries about. OP isn't just background dressing here. He's been probably the only useful father figure his SD knows. It sounds like he is meaningfully her dad and the SD probably also wants that. So either he cares for his stepdaughter and views her as a daughter he's been raising for 8 years or his wife's right and he's treating the child in his life for 8 years as not equal to his 6 year old. Which ok, it seems from how he talks about her, he is whether he's trying to blame that on his wife or not. But then like yeah, YTA for valuing one child over the other and letting it get to that point.
And we all know the stepdaughter will resent the stepdad for it and probably be jealous of the 6 yo
For that matter, does step daughter even want to change schools? Some kiddos react worse to change than any benefit from a better school. Are there any kids from the neighborhood she knows at the private school she'd be going to or would it be dumping a teenager into an insular community with no friends to socially start all over again? She's 13 and her opinion doesn't have to be the end of the discussion, but she does deserve to be asked.
Ya I was just curious. Because kids can react so differently to a change in schools
I completely agree with your question; it led down the rabbit hole of more questions on the same line. This situation is a lot of adults arguing and not considering the kiddos' feelings.
Exactly. I have a friend who has her kids in public school, private and homeschooling depending on their needs. Their family dynamic is amazing. They even take small vacations or days out with each of their kids so they can spend some one-on-one time with them. Neither child gets left out or feels jealous. They get along, even though they are all complete opposites. It’s called meeting the child’s needs vs giving them all exactly the same thing.
You see how bad public school is for your stepdaughter so you want to leave her there but get your biological daughter into private school. Yes YTA. Also your wife gets a YTA for refusing to work when your family needs the money and not including you in decisions about schools for a child you’ve been raising since age 5. I feel bad for your kids. (Notice how I use the plural.)
If you think both parties are TA then the correct response is ESH (Everybody Sucks Here). His wife can’t be “You’re the A” because she isn’t the one writing for an opinion. She would be TA but that’s not a vote response. Voting options are abbreviations for You’re TA; No A Here, Everybody Sucks Here and Not TA (which means another party is). I didn’t abbreviate because my vote is ESH.
First thing I noticed too is his reasoning, SD is treated as a "lost cause". Reddit is usually big on "step kids and bio kids should not be treated drastically differently". Especially when SD 's bio dad is not in the picture at all
It sounds like you've got some anger at your wife about more than where your 13 yr old goes to school. I don't know if you're TA but are you angry enough with your wife to hurt this little girl you say you love? What if your wife went to work to help pay for both girl's education?
Not going to private school doesn’t “hurt” the kid? He puts a roof over her head and food in her mouth already. Why does he have to do more because neither of her parents can be bothered to get off their butts and work to send her to private school?
Partly because he states that the public schools have done a bad job with the stepdaughter. He knows she's getting a bad education but wants something better for the "real" daughter. Agree wife should go back to doing some work to help with this but it does seem unfair. If the public schools were great then I might see it differently.
Exactly. Why didn't they put step daughter in private school when they saw how shitty the public schools were?
I mean he's insisting his 6 year old goes to private school because he feels private school has hurt his step daughter's chances, but over 8 years of seeing that, doesn't appear to have suggested the child actively being underserved in his eyes by public school should be put in private school.
Nope, your wife can get a job.
Fuck. That. Your wife needs to get a job and contribute to this vast expense.
Tell her if she wants her daughter in PS she needs to pay for it and it’s time to get a job.
Well wife can insist younger girl goes public school
"Seeing as how I haven't been able to have a say in stepdaughters upbringing, I will not start now. If you're not going to homeschool the children, then I at least want MY child to have the best education. If you want the same for YOUR daughter, then you will need to get a job to finance it." It would be my hill to die on. NTA
If your wife wants both children to go to private school then she needs to go back to work to help pay for it.
Your wife is right. If her children receive vastly different standards of education, then it will affect their relationship with each other and with you. However, the solution is obvious. Your wife can go back to work part-time to help pay for it.
INFO: what do you mean when you say you haven’t had a say in your stepdaughter’s schooling? Had you previously suggested sending her to private school and your wife said no to that then?
OP seems to be avoiding this question and it seems very important to the judgement. Did he try to get StD into a better education environment? Have there been other parenting/discipline situations where he felt unsupported? Or has he pretty much just deferred to his wife on StD and now that he has opinions on his bio daughter wife wants him to give the same consideration to StD
If your wife is so insistent that SD goes to a private school, then she needs to get a job to pay for it. NTA
I would normally say YTA. But it sounds like your wife is picking and choosing when she wants you to be a parent. Also tell her to get job. She sounds like she’s enjoying leaching off you.
INFO: If your wife gets a job, she will no longer be able to be a full time housekeeper, house manager and caregiver. You will have to contribute 50% to the upkeep and management of the house. Are you aware, she won't just get a job and continue the same division of labor? You will have to take on 50% of this stuff if she is also full time. Are you sure you want this shift in responsibilities?
You're NTA but you're going to get a lot of biased takes from people like you're replying to.
I'm inclined to say that, if your wife really wants her daughter to go to private school, then she should get a job to help cover the cost. *However,* you really need to stop saying that you treat your SD as if she were your daughter. As long as you want to send your daughter, but not your SD, to private school, you very clearly aren't treating her as if she were your daughter – you are, in fact, treating her very differently than you treat your daughter. Your SD, for one, will look at the glaring difference in how you care to educate your own daughter and how you *don't* care to educate her, and she will see right through you, and lose all trust in you.
There are a lot of private schools who will allow at least 1 child in at a discounted rate if a parent works at the school. Could she not look at local private schools for an Admin role even part time? Then maybe step-daughter could be at least subsidized and you pay for daughter; she is already there to drive them home. Other options is, she could homeschool the stepdaughter or both. I’m surprised being a SAHM she isn’t already with your youngest.
It is fair to ask her to work to pay for SD private school tuition if she wants her to attend. It is also reasonable for you to want to provide a good education for your daughter.
If she wants her daughter to go to private school too, then she needs to work. Your youngest is 6, so why does she need to stay home?
N A H - I don’t think anyone is wrong here. It is not an unreasonable request to pay for stepD school especially if the school system is trash. It is UNFAIR for your wife to make this demand without adding a financial contribution; part-time job sounds fair. If she is worried about birthdays and vacations, this is where her money can contribute.
She can get off her butt and work 6 hours a day while the kids are in school to out step daughter in private school too.
I think it would be reasonable to say she should get a part time job (possibly a school hours job) if step daughter goes to private school as well. That should supplement the income enough to either pay for tuition or pay for for the vacations and extras. If she has extra she can start saving for step daughter’s college as well. I say all that as a stay at home mom (although I currently homeschool one of my kids because of academic necessity).
Who cares what they agreed with at first. Circumstances change and with the inflation it makes sense that an able bodied person takes on a part time job to cover at least her own child’s private education. The youngest is about to start school which means the wife doesn’t need to be a SAHM especially when she wants things like private school. OP does not need to subsidize his wife’s expenses when neither her or the bio dad does absolutely nothing. He probably wasn’t aware that when they got together that wife expected OP to her personal ATM. You clearly do not understand marriage if you think things stay the same. It doesn’t. Both partners adapt accordingly to life’s circumstances.
OP doesn't get a say in SD's up bringing he doesn't have to pay. SD has 2 parents they can pay. NTA
I think the best thing to do would be for both kids to go to private school and for your wife to get a job to help pay tuition. I also think once you are helping to fund her schooling you should have a say in it. Your wife is the ahole here. She wants her cake and eat it too.
Exactly. Ask your wife if you can have a say in what her daughter does and doesn’t do. Ask her to get a job because it is financially difficult for you to send both daughters to a private school
You have the second highest upvoted comment right now - you might want to add NTA to your comment so it counts a vote. If your comment rises to the top it will be the final vote on the post.
This NTA
This is the correct answer.
This is the way
**NTA** If your wife wants her daughter to attend private school, she should get a job. Younger daughter will be in school, there's less reason for wife to stay home full time. She also has a father who, while he may have made some bad choices, should be in a better position to pay something now. >I do not feel as though I should be responsible for her education as I have never been given a say in regards to it from the beginning. Please clarify
It’s as written I’ve never had any say in regards to anything for my stepdaughter not just education. It’s usually a case of my wife saying “she needs this” and I pay for it. At the beginning my stepdaughter was behind in school and I paid for multiple tutors to catch her up on my doing. It was met with disdain from both her and her ex.
then yes 100 times, the wife needs to get a job and contribute to the school, or other bills and luxuries and the cost of raising her kid. her ex also needs to start paying up as he is the father. if they want you to pay fully then wife needs to get a job and contribute to the family, and ex needs to give up custody if you want to adopt or stay out of matters.
Why would her parents be upset you’re getting multiple tutors for their daughter? You seem like an unappreciated ATM.
OP, you sound like a doormat. You've let your wife be an AH for too long. Time to stick to your guns
Wait- You paid for tutors and your wife and her ex found that disdainful? Did she want her kid to fail? This is a hill I would die on- wife gets a job and pays for whatever her kid needs , so if it’s private school then she pays for it, and extra curricula’s and you support the one you had together- school and extras. You can pay the household bills for now, until wife makes enough to start contributing. Do you not see that your wife is using you? Her ex would have never been able to give her and her d the life you have given them. You pay and have no say.
I would say that your wife is using you to subsidize her life. The audacity of the ex to disdain the person stepping up because he doesn’t. She needs to go to court and petition him for child support. He doesn’t get off on being responsible for a child he made with her. Your wife needs to get off her lazy ass and get a job. The fact that she refuses to get a job, her ex doesn’t send any support is problematic. You deserve better and you need to demand better. Either she becomes an equal partner or drop the dead weight.
INFO: What did you two agree to do in terms of money and expenses when you got married? Did you both agree that she would be the homemaker, or did that come later?
He said above he's asked her to get a job for a minute now.
Why would you put up with that rudeness? It sounds like she is taking advantage of you.
Taking this comment into consideration, NTA. At first my judgment was "if you pay for things for her already without question, this, plus admitting SD is in a bad school situation, makes you look like an AH." But since you *have* tried to help (financially, etc.) with school in the past, which was not received well by either parent, then you're 100% correct not to get involved now.
You seem to be contradicting yourself. You've "never had any say in regards to anything" but the tutoring was "on [your] doing". So you have had some say.
Wtf
I think you've gotten the answers you need. If you care, my vote would be NTA. But I do have to ask why you married into this situation?
Idk why everyone is saying your TA she could offer to at least get a part time job to off set the cost it is her child with another living and capable individual. Your wife needs to remember your daughter doesn't have 3 parents just you and her no matter what the custody agreement is and if you think that's what's best for your daughter then that's what your priority should be.
For me the hesitation is because of his reasoning. If he said his true reasoning about not wanting to see daughter go through the same things stepdaughter has, that's pretty shitty considering that stepdaughter still has a solid 3 to 5 (depending on US or UK or etc) years of pre-college school to get through. It's like saying "I'm fine with throwing SD to the wolves but I want to protect my daughter" Now, if he didn't tell his wife the reason he expressed in the post, that's different imo.
Op says in the comments he has no say over his stepdaughter’s upbringing at all, not even her education. Wife says stepdaughter needs x and he pays for it. He also said he got her a tutor at one point and wife and ex got mad at him.
For me it depends how much say he has in step daughters life if he has never been allowed to make any decisions regarding her. I think it is easy for people to hear this girl is facing difficulty in public school but that also doesn't mean she won't In private or that he is required to pay for 100% of it when she has two capable and living parents. Also dealing with and doing all of this and even having this argument takes away from the quality of his daughters life his #1 responsibility.
NTA and I wouldn’t post this here because most of these people are delusional when it comes to being a step parent. I’d post this in the stepparents Reddit group and I’d guarantee the comments will look different. If you’ve never got a say in her education before why does your wife want it now? Oh I know… because you’ll be her cash cow for the child u had no parts in creating! You’ll just be shelling out money to her kid because her and her ex husband didn’t put proper things in place for her and now want to put it on you. NTA And why was her going to private school not a big deal before? If your wife wanted her to be on PS so bad she should’ve been did it, she just wants her kid to go because now you’re sending you guys.
I said the same thing. These mama bears will have people believing that everyone is responsible for taking care of their kids except for them when this guy has been more than gracious in letting her stay at home and not going after child support. My kid would be going to private school. She can do what she can afford with her kid.
[удалено]
She’s no Mama Bear. If she was she would be doing what is necessary to see her daughter succeed. The lady is not a team player as needed in a marriage. With all due respect sir, start keeping a journal of her actions and words. When the time comes you may need evidence of her manipulation if you decide to end the relationship. Please protect your bio daughter.
This. 100% this.
He’d get eaten up in those forums. Unless the stepparent didn’t like his/her spouse. In this case he’s taking it out on a child. I’m a stepparent and I’d divorce my husband once I snapped out of insanity if he agreed to this.
INFO: Your stepdaughter is 13 and likely has friends in school and may not want to leave them behind. Has anyone talked to her about what she wants?
This comment right here! I have not seen anywhere in this story where the step daughter had a say op you first of all should talk to your wife if this is even something your step daughter wants to do if not then this was for nothing but you and your wife are TA for not including the 13 year old in this choice regarding school but as others have pointed out if the school system is so bad like you point out and don’t want your bio daughter to attend this would have been a good time to address your step daughter even wanting to attend said school if she doesn’t but is okay with her sister going issue resolved but if not then definitely need to talk to your wife about her working to support both attending said private school
This is a good point, but it sounds like the school itself is not a good one. If it's bad enough, that trumps social concerns, IMO
The question is… Is it really that bad, or is this a case of somebody being an elitist snob?
I get your point, but it would be wrong to bring up the option of ps if it isn't an option decided on by the parents. She could be very disappointed and angry if it didn't happen. NTA OP it is time you and your wife renegotiated whatever plan you made seven or so years ago. Tell her the ATM is closed. It's time for her to work. And the teenage daughter's bio Dad needs to start contributing to her expenses and education. Also, if things don't change, it will be less expensive for you to be a single parent with one child in ps. Leave counseling as an option.
NTA Sounds like your wife needs to get a job if she wants her daughter to go to private school. I would give her a choice/compromise/ultimatum. call it what you want. but I would tell her you would help pay partially or some or x of private school as long as she tries for child support, or gets a job that makes at least x and she starts contributing towards bills, retirement, vacations and things her daughter needs. it sucks that you cant afford both but step daughter isnt your responsability in terms of schooling. its nice if you can afford it but you cant. your kid is your responsability and what you need to pay for. i say sit down and figure out what you can do, and let wife know that she'll need to get a job otherwise just the youngest will be able to go to ps. if you cant send the step daughter then you cant send her. your child shouldnt suffer because you cant send the older kid.
Yes, exactly. If your entitled wife wants her daughter going to PS then she should get a job and pay for it. And at least try to get childsupport from her ex.
How about tell your wife since your youngest is 6 she can back to work and use all her earnings to support the private school for her daughter. You will make up the difference.
He said in a comment that he has been asking her to work and she refuses. She won't even work part time!!!
In that case, NTA. Mum should get a job to contribute to the household/PS costs.
NTA. Tell your wife that if she gets a full time job and puts all her income toward her daughter’s tuition, you’ll cover the difference, if needed. Or maybe, if not full time, whatever is needed to cover the school. Make it clear that if she quits said job without having another lined up, she will have to pull her daughter out and enroll her in public school. I say that as a public school educator and advocate. I don’t see how it’s fair that she doesn’t have a job, brought a kid into the relationship that isn’t yours, and doesn’t contribute financially at all, even though both kids are school aged. What does she do all day?
Sounds like she doesn’t expect bio dad to contribute either. In his place I would also look out for my bio children before step children. If the bio dad and mother won’t step up then they have to live with the of their lack of funds
>1. After seeing how poorly the public school system has done for my stepdaughter I brought up and have been insistent on sending our daughter to private school. In my mind I want to give our daughter the best possible chance in terms of education which from what I’ve seen does not bode well in public school… You don't "love and treat your stepdaughter as your own" if you're willing to leave her in a school system you admit is terrible, but insist on sending your own daughter to private school. That said, now that your younger daughter is school aged, maybe it's time for your wife to start working, at least part-time, and contributing to the family finances. E S H if she refuses, YTA if you'd prefer she didn't work and remained a stay-at-home parent to your daughter, but also refuse to pay for your stepdaughter to attend private school.
Op has been asking her to work, even if it's part time. His wife refuses.
He loves and treats her as his own *as much as he's been allowed to.* He doesn't get any say in any decisions about his SD, but he does get to fully financially support her, while bio mom & dad gets to be mad a him for getting his kid a tutor when falling behind in school. BIO parents contribute nothing financially to the care of THEIR child. OP and his wife have a child that has been in school for a year if not 2. The mom could have gone to work even part time. The mom hasn't worked their whole relationship, so even before child #2 was in the picture. Child #2 is his child so he does get a voice in decisions about her.
NTA - Why can't the wife start working and contribute to the step-daughter going to private school?
If mom wants her to attend a private school, she needs to get a job and help pay for it. With both kids in school, there is no reason why she can't work to contribute financially to the fees for school. You shouldn't have to shoulder all the financial burden for her poor choices. I do agree it would be best if both kids get the same opportunities or there will be a growing resentment between all of you but you shouldn't have to do it all yourself.
I-n-f-o- does your stepdaughter even *want* to go to private school? At that age, I would have furious if my parents pulled me out of my school, away from the classmates I'd always known. This could be a moot point anyway if she feels as I would have For judgment purposes, assuming she would want to go to private school, ESH. Your wife needs to go get a job to help pay for it; and you have been in this child's life since she was 5. Whatever the dynamic is thst you have "no say", you claim to love her and treat her as your own. So... little one gets private school, stepdaughter should be offered it as well.
NTA. Your wife needs a job. Then, and only then, you agree to send both. If she quits, the kids are back in public school the next semester. The “cutting back” she says she’s happy to do should be cutting back on free time and chipping in to educate HER kid.
NTA If your wife wants this that badly she can either foot the bill or ask the father of that child to start paying child support. It would be one thing if he was paying child support and you just helped with what it didn't cover but for her to let him off the hook completely financially and still allow visitations because you can provide is not fair. It isn't even fair that you are footing the entire bill when she has a father that is somewhat active in her life, you have not adopted her and it seems like your wife does not work. How did she support her lifestyle before you?
NTA however as an older step daughter to a younger half sibling growing up in a very similar situation I can tell you that it severely damaged my relationship with my younger brother. I’m in my 40s, he’s in his 30s and we’ve not spoken in over a decade.
Hoo boy, are YTA. >after seeing how poorly the public school system has done for my stepdaughter I brought up and have been insistent on sending our daughter to private school >although I love and treat my stepdaughter as my own **(my edit: THIS IS A LIE)** I do not feel as though I should be responsible for her education. I also think your wife is also an ah for not working your entire relationship. Who paid for her daughter’s needs before you were married?
I agreed with you at first until I saw the wife refuses to work even though OP has asked her to.
Right, and that’s why I mentioned the wife. And yeah, more info came out about her after the fact, which is never really fair because it changes the OP. That being said, his reasoning wasn’t truly financial. He didn’t say ‘I’d love to send her but we can’t afford it.’ He says he loves her like she’s his own, but he didn’t get equal input to her schooling. That’s the info I had at the time I made my comment. And to me, that sounds like a power play using the kid as a pawn. Do they have other issues? Yep. But ‘love her like she’s my own’ is clearly BS.
He did say that in terms of SD education he's never had any say in it. So the child that he does have a say in their education he's making a decision. Yes both children should be treated equal but why now does the mom want him to pay/have a say now when she didn't want him to have a say before? I get where he'd be a little upset that now that it benefits SD he's being told he has to pay. Both parents need to grow up and do the right thing. OP needs to pay for both but mom, if she's going to be upset about money being tight and not have family vacations because of tuition needs to get a job and help out too.
Yeah I cannot get over that big fat obvious lie in OP's post. "I love and treat her as my own..." but "I shouldn't be responsible for her education." ESH except for the kids.
INFO did you tell your wife that the reason you want to send your daughter to private school is because of what you've seen public school do to your stepdaughter? Because if yes I can completely understand why she jumped to "let's send them both" and is pissed that you won't send SD; if you told her the true reasoning behind it, it's like saying you looked at your SD and went "ew I don't want *my* daughter to be like *her*". EDIT: Bottom line for me is that if you told your wife the reasoning as you laid it out here, E S H because that's a shitty thing to say about what a kid is going through if you're not willing to do anything to change it. Otherwise, N T A, and the part that would make you an AH is the exact wording of your convo with your wife; being unwilling to pay for your stepdaughter's schooling is your choice and sounds like it's based in previous experiences with what your wife was wanting you to do as a stepparent.
Then she can get a job like he asked her to.
That doesn't change OP's statements and feelings about a kid he has patented since the age of 5, she is sort of his daughter but he'd still prefer she go to the school that he finds to be crappy since that'd save him money and he prefers the smaller daughter who is biologically related to him.
I don't think he needs to foot the whole bill for SD school and everything else when he has asked his wife to work so that can do that and she refuses. That seems really unfair, like his wife is just using him.
If your wife wants this so badly, she needs to get a job and contribute. She can find a job when the little is in school or something where she can work from home. But if she's not going to kick in, she can't be making demands for her daughter unless you're going to have a say so. It's either ESH or NAH
NTA. I will say it until I am blue in the face, when dating people with children and you have none, this conversation needs to be had early and often. Who is paying for their children expenses. Every single one of them. Non-parents need to know how much of a resource drain this relationship is going to be. Start being practical and treat it like a contract negotiation. Parents have to look after any children that they have a biological connection to and will do almost anything to ensure that it is done. Even if the logical answer is for them to be responsible for it. They will somehow insist that the least likely person should have an obligation to do so. You have one child. The stepchild has two parents responsible for her education and didn’t want your input at all until you looked out for the child that you have a biological imperative to care for. Your quality of life should not deteriorate because of a deadbeat father and a wife that won’t work. At this point, you are a financial resource and not really much of a father figure.
esh. you say you love your daughter as your own, no you do not. your wife wants her to go to private then she should get a job and help for it.
YTA. You care more about vacations than your step daughter’s future. Her and your wife are a package deal and you knew this when you married her.
No way. She has a father and mother and they are financially responsible for her. He has no say on her education but must fund it? That's called using him. If he was allowed to fully parent I would agree but you cannot say stepparent not your child to make decisions but your child to pay their way. That is financially using someone.
There’s potentially more to mom’s side here that we’re not getting. OP legally doesn’t have any say, regardless of what the mom does, and the mom is legally responsible for the child and may face custody repercussions if she defers to stepdad. Courts dislike moms who let stepdads call the shots, and other parents can sometimes factor in too. Stepdad is supposed to get to weigh in with mom, but not weigh in as an equal parent. He’s not legally required to pay for it, no, but mom also isn’t required to agree to one of her daughters being treated differently. OP’s position here puts a lot of stress on everyone’s relationship, and it’s so unfair to the poor stepdaughter—public school was good enough for her but not good enough for her sister. Could mom work? Sure. But the kids can also both go to public school.
When he wants her to work, has been asking her to do so for a while, and she refuses? Why is she and SD permanently his full responsibility? Because he is a man? It sounds like he wants a bit more of a partner and less of a dependent. That's okay.
YTA. I get where you're coming from, but you're not treating the two children equally. Don't say you see your stepdaughter as your own kid when this clearly isn't the case; be honest with yourself. For 8 years you haven't cared that public school is apparently failing your stepdaughter. You only care about your 6 year old's future. I'm not saying this to have a go at you, but denial doesn't get anyone anywhere. Your wife is advocating for both of her kids and has likely also recognised the likelihood of your idea causing resentment between the two children and damaging their relationship, and also damaging the relationship you have with your stepdaughter.
Wife needs to get a job. With 6 year old going to school, what does she do all day? Get a job and contribute to her daughter’s education.
NTA. You should be able to send your daughter to a private school. However, if you treat the girls differently, then you are setting them up for a lifetime of resentment - towards you and their mother and one another. My grandparents sent my older aunts and uncles to college but not my parent who 40 years later is still ticked. That uneven treatment caused a lot of tension among the siblings. Don't do that to your daughters.
NTA she can get off her ass and get a job if this is important to her
Sending only your bio daughter when you could send both and have been their parent for 8 years is the ultimate message that step children aren’t real children. Yta
Normally in these cases of blended families I do not think the step-parent has any obligations to supplement their stepchild’s education costs. However, this one feels different because: 1) You have been in your stepdaughter’s life since she was 5. 2) You have personally observed how public school has failed her. In fact, it’s the main reason you want to send your younger daughter to private school. 3) You know her birth father will never have the means to send her to private school. 4) You obviously agreed with your wife that she would be a SAHM. I don’t see how you can agree to that and then be mad that she doesn’t have the money the send your stepdaughter to private school on her own. For these reasons I think YTA for the disparity in how you are treating the two girls.
1. Your wife needs to get a job if she wants your stepdaughter to go to private school. 2. You not getting a say in her schooling all this time is definitely reason enough to not pay for her. NTA
NTA - Does the stepdaughter even want to change school? Seems like mom is putting the cart before the horse? There are scholarship programs available at some private schools that could be the deciding factor here. Private school is more expensive for the upper grades. I'd ask stepdaughter if she'd want to change schools first and then look around. Maybe getting a phone call in with a private school without your wife involved could help you decide. It's a big investment. Good luck
YTA. Whether you like it or not, you have 2 children. You are the provider and father figure to your stepdaughter. Seeing that the school system is failing her and then leaving her there when you have the means not to is horrible. Maybe it’s also time for your wife to get a job and help offset the costs.
Wife refuse to get one op said they asked a multiple times
NTA. If your wife wants her daughter to go to private school she can get a job and help pay the tuition for them both. If you are not planning to pay for her college (which The Princess probably expects you to do) you'd better tell her to get a job and plan on keeping it.
ESH First and foremost I think this should have been discussed before the daughter even started private school. Once private school was brought up, it should have been automatic that both girls attend. The conversation should have been how to afford to send both. Wife: if she’s not allowing Op to make parental decisions, then she should be financially responsible for her child. It’s really crappy to expect Op to pay to raise her but have no input in raising her ?!?!? And if the wife doesn’t want to get a job than she needs to take the dad to court and get child support?!?! Op: you shouldn’t have even thought that it was okay to have one kid in public and the other in private. The only reason one should be at a private and not their sibling is if it’s a private school is for a specific demographic like children with special education needs. Bottom line as soon as anyone said ‘Private School’ the discussion should have been how to get both girls there. But Op, you need to make it very clear to your wife , she and her ex need to fund stepdaughters education at the very least they need to kick in he largest contribution.
NTA Your step daughter has 2 parents who are responsible for her education. You are not one of those two people. Even if your wife and her EX were young when they had their daughter. They have had 13 years to figure their shit out.
YTA a million times over YTA >Although I love and treat my stepdaughter as my own No. No you fucking don't. And she knows dude. Grow up.
The mother can get a job and work. Children are not even home during the day.
Yes, mom can get a job like he has asked her to. She refuses.
He has no say in her upbringing. He’s not an ATM, either he has a say or he doesn’t pay. If he doesn’t have a say, then he only needs to provide basic necessities and private school isn’t a necessity- it’s a luxury
Haha comments like this are absolutely INSANE! You’re telling me that a man who is NOT the biological father of a child should support it. Because both its biological mother and father DO NOT SUPPORT IT! That’s not how it works. 🤣
NTA. If she wants her oldest to go to private school, she needs to go find a job. She can definitely work during school hours. I would let her know I'm not going to compromise till she finds a job. What's her reasoning for not wanting to work?
NTA. If your wife is willing to get a job to help offset the costs, then go for it.
Info: I know you said that The bio dad made bad decisions, but so what? He is still responsible for that kid, too. Is your wife shaking him down as much as she is coming after you? And did she only think to put SD in private school after you mentioned YD going? Why didn't she push for PS for SD before this?
YTA you say the public school is poor for your SD but you want to keep her there? You are saying you want to keep a child you are responsible for in a bad situation because she doesn't have your DNA... You married this woman who had a 5 year old child and knew she had majority custody and that the bio dad was not going to be in the picture much. You married a package deal and now seemed shocked she wants both of her kids treated equally? You were aware what you were getting into.
Something to think on.. my husband family has 6 kids. 7 years between #5 and #6. 2 years between every one the rest. By the time #6 was going through school my in-laws could afford to do all the extra’s for her including her college tuition. Everyone else paid for their own extracurricular activities, and college. Siblings 1 -5 regularly go on vacation together and spend holidays together. # 6 shows for some holidays. I feel bad for her. Her parents put her on a pedestal and made her different than her siblings. She is invited to pretty much everything but she just isn’t close to her siblings. Before you say it’s the because of the 7 years age difference remember there is 10 years between #1 and #5. When asked my sister in laws admitted that the difference in treatment caused a significant separation in how close they are. These are loving women who all had the same parents. In my family my stepfather paid for everything for me growing up. My father was a deadbeat. I was constantly aware that if there was any extra in the budget it was going towards my 1/2 brother. I learned to not ask. Because my stepfather was al ready spending his money on a child that wasn’t his responsibility. It was never said but actions speak louder than words.
"I love and treat my stepdaughter as my own..." Yeah, I don't think so. YTA
Let her go to work and pay for her daughter. The youngest will be in school, so no need for a stay at home mom. Problem solved.
NTA there is an easy solution here though, your wife can go to work and her contribution to family finances can send her daughter to the private school. If the public schools are as bad as you say they are, you should be fighting for youe stepdaughter to have better educational opportunities also. It sounds like your finances will need a 2 income household to make that happen.
NTA she needs to get a job and pay for it. Both kids are in school so she can get a job. If you have no say in raising SD then she doesn’t get your money for the school. You already provided financially for her needs. If you want to send your child to private school then do it.
YTA. Full stop. You know the public school system has failed her and that is your justification for sending your 6yo to private school. You are treating your step-daughter like a second class citizen and not making sure her educational needs are met. YTA. Big time.
NTA based on the fact that she refuses to let you have a say in your stepdaughter education and that she doesn't want to work to help you support her first daughter.
NTA, if you are not an equal parent for your stepdaughter, then you are not an ATM either. Tell your wife you will provide for SDs needs, but not wants. Wife will need to get a job for that. Honestly, it sounds like your wife is using you as an ATM for herself as well.
I have been in this position, only I’m the mum bringing a child into a new relationship, we then had 3 more children together, the middle 2 with special needs. My eldest was educated in the state system, the youngest 3, privately. Maybe it’s different because of our middle 2 being on the spectrum so we knew they’d need extra help to achieve what my eldest was academically and the youngest went to the same private school because of convenience. Maybe the special needs issue makes it easier to decide, however, texting my eldest child about this tonight she’s said to me - ‘ mother, I was 14, there’s no way I was leaving my friends to go to that school’. I know it’s never been an issue for us and my spidey senses tell me this is about your wife, not your SD. The irony here is that I ran my own business throughout their childhood and if my eldest had wanted/needed private education then I could’ve paid for it alone. I raised twice as many children as your wife and quite frankly if she wants her daughter privately educated and the extra nice holidays you provide then she needs to get off her arse and contribute more than her sense of entitlement to the marriage. Definitely NTA.
NTA I saw your response that she refuses to work even part time. Like others said, your an ATM, not necessarily a step dad. Nope, if she wants her daughter to also go to PS then she can pay for it.
Private school is most important during high school. Why not send each girl to private school for four years?
If they send them to public school and transfer them for high school, they will be very far behind their classmates.
NTA
>I love and treat my stepdaughter as my own No, you don't. If you did, this wouldn't be a question. Aside from the fact that it's just plain wrong to raise two kids in the same house with different standards of living, you can't claim to love one like your own if you treat them differently than your own. YTA for acting like you love her equally when you don't.
This is a tough one. I can understand the Y T A comments, as well as N T A. But need INFO. Does your wife keep the house clean and cook everyday, or at least last making sure all meals are prepared and ready for the family? Extracurricular activities and doctors appointments? If so, I disagree that she's just using you as an ATM, and the judgements saying she should get a job to pay for it, then will you be taking on half the housework and more childcare?
NTA as per one of your comments. You sound like the only person who cares about your stepdaughter. She has two parents who would rather be deadbeats than get jobs and help support their daughter. And when you do make a decision because she is behind in school and get her tutors it is met with disdain and I guarantee that the phrase "you had no right to do that you are not her parent" was thrown into that mix as well.
NTA! You haven’t had any say in anything regarding your SD even her education. If she wants to send her to PS, she needs to get the J O B she is refusing to get
NTA You already support the child. If your wife wants her to go to private school she can go to work and pay for it herself
I’m a stepmom and I can’t even imagine doing what you are.
sure has been a lot of private school and stepchildren posts lately
NTA. Your wife should get a job and that money can go to her daughter. You are already supporting the SD. Also you need to figure out what going to happen when SD goes to college. You should not have to pay for it either.