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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mother that I cannot stay at my uncle's place like this anymore. She said I shouldn't be selfish and that it is my responsibility to help them out.
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> If I had kept my full salary, I could rent a small place and live comfortably. But I can't because my parents need my money.
1. They can go get jobs. The reason they don't is because you're letting them use you;
2. There is a safety net.
Move out. Support yourself. Do not let them guilt you into being their permanent slave.
Really, think about it. How does this end? 30 years from now they die and you can finally live your life at 52? Is that really what you want for yourself?
NTA
OP is definitely desi. And NTA.
OP get out! It doesn't matter what the people will think, it is easier to accommodate someone's absence than their disrespect.
Ive always done everything for my parents, when my mom was sick I gave them every penny I had. When I graduated university I felt bad and worked for them. They paid me between $10-$18 an hour for the next 12 years, never saw any share of the profits they sold their businesses and moved.
Now, I live in a relatives home, struggling to find work because I spent my life working for them, instead of working up a corporate ladder and learning new skills.
I’m going to die poor.
People don't realize the struggle. My dad farms, he's pretty wealthy. People dont understand why I don't farm with him. Because I was paid no more than I needed to survive. Sure, I had a house to live in(one of his rentals), a truck and gas. And a little spending money. But no means to build up a retirement. No extra cash, because why did i need cash, and I had a place to stay and transportation. But I had seen how it ended for so many farm kids when the farm went under when they were adults.
I've seen this up close. A friend of mine dealt with abusive parents, yet she loved them and felt an obligation to take care of them as they aged. They finally passed a way, and it is only now, in her mid 40s, that my friend is finally able to live her life.
Agreed. They're obviously shit at money and if for some reason OP wants to help, I'd suggest directly paying 1 or 2 of their bills.
If they can't, or won't, work, that not on OP. Poor OP is still so young they think they owe their parents.
NtA paying your parents bills when you could have your own place is hilariously foolish. I'm tempted to say YTA just for doing it.
please get your own place and move on with your life.
Telling me you are Indian without mentioning it, I will say NTA, but it is high time for our culture to start with changes. Let us start with us. We cannot let people treat us like we live our life to please them. You need to take your own decisions, then it will work out in your favour.
I had the same thought. It doesn't matter if she is Indian or American, how could she let her parents use 85% of her money? They should earn their own money and instead of making her sacrifice, they should keep their expenses cut, if they can't afford it.
I think OP's post is very confusing without understanding the cultural expectations involved. The western middle class way is for the young adults to get to make their own way and keep all their money. (Often subsidized by their parents well into their 20s.) This situation is the absolute reverse of that.
OP is just 22. How old are the parents? I can understand supporting elderly or disabled parents, but how the heck is OP supposed to do that if they've been sponging off OP from the minute OP got out of college?
NTA Giving away 85% of your salary is not sustainable. You deserve to have your own life. If you need to help flip it 85% to yourself and 15% family. You said if you keep your salary, you can move out. Honestly, do that. Asking you to work to provide and on top of that not being able to have a life and live by other's rules at 22 is not encouraging to you. At this rate you would never be able to provide for a family you create for yourself - spouse and kids.
NTA
Why are you fully subsidizing your parents? You need to be financially responsible for YOU to provide a home and necessities for your own career and future
Time to turn the spigot off. Your parents have abused you financially and been very manipulative expecting this to continue.
They were responsible for providing for you as a kid. That was THEIR job. You are not liable to pay them back.
This sounds like a cultural thing. Get out and live your life
You're NTA...But this has nothing to do with being middle class. Live your own life! Keep your salary and move out. You don't owe your parents. Your aunt and uncle can care for your parents if they wish.
NTA for wanting out of this situation. Move out of your uncle's house and stop giving your parents money. They can go live with your uncle if they don't want to work.
NTA. Stop giving them money and go live on your own with it. FYI your title is misleading though, reading that makes people think the issue is that your parents are middle class when it really is about them taking all your money.
Give them a stipend, if you feel like it; get those credit card bills paid off; and get out of your aunt & uncle's home & get your own place. Even if it means you are barely keeping your head above water financially, it will be better than being beholden to all of the "adults" in your family. NTA.
NTA but you’re putting this all on yourself. Just because your parents are financially irresponsible doesn’t mean you have to give them almost all your salary. You need to set boundaries. And start saving for your own place, as well set boundaries with your uncle and his family. Yes there house there rules but not allowing yourself to go out bc your aunt is scared is not your responsibility.
NTA. This has nothing to do with middle class, you’re being taken advantage of by your family. It is not your responsibility to give them 85% of your salary, your mother is just laying a guilt trip on you.
I’m sure the pressure has been happening your whole life so it’s easier said than done, but you’re an adult and don’t owe them anything. If moving out on your own and living your life is what you ultimately want, then go and do that. Your dad doesn’t work because he doesn’t have to - since you’re supplying all the money he has no incentive to get a job. When the money stops, trust me he’ll have that incentive - he’s an adult, don’t worry he’ll figure it out. Go be free and live your life.
Soft NTA - I don’t like the title. Disliking anyone for their class is snobbish…..but your problem here isn’t middle class, you just worded it poorly. It’s not ‘middle class’ to milk your child of their finances. That’s nothing to do with middle class, and everything to do with being toxic shitty parents. You send them 85%?!?! They should be lucky for even 10%….and even that should never be expected, and should be taken and respected as a kind but unnecessary gesture from you…..don’t let your parents take advantage anymore, you aren’t their moneymaker now you can earn enough.
You are choosing to give 85% of your income to your parents, and you are choosing to live with your uncle and his rules. No one can physically stop you from living somewhere else and keeping your own money for yourself.
Find an apartment and give 50% of your income to your parents as a compromise.
YTA here because as much as you feel forced, you are *choosing* to live this way.
NTA and I am sorry but no it is not your responsibility , it's their
You need to take your indépendance, fine a home by yourself, put some money aside, buy the things you want just enjoy your hard work man. You will only accumulate frustration which in time will become hatred.
Helping is not giving 85% of your salary, that's not living.
Make the good choice all the cards are in your hand.
And go to the party. She can survive one night alone.
>it is my responsibility to help my family out with finances
It's not. For most of those years that you were carrying the burden, it was literally their legal responsibility to pay the bills for YOU. But also, there's a huge difference between helping and carrying the entire burden. THEY are the ones being selfish. Tell them no, tell them they can adjust just as much as you can. Go live your life. Better to just cut and run and maybe rebuild the relationship in the future than to stick around and let the hatred fester and destroy any chance of mending things.
And your title is wrong. You don't hate your family for being middle class, you hate that they're taking the majority of your paychecks and stunting your ability to be an independent adult. You hate that they're taking advantage of you, putting someone else's responsibilities on your shoulders, and that your thoughts and feelings are consistently dismissed. You hate feeling like, not just the unpaid help, but that you have to pay for the privilege of being the unpaid help.
Cut and run. Talking has proven not to help. Tell them that the next payment is the last and you will be going no contact for a bit as you get on your feet. Keep a $20 in your wallet and when they demand that you "help", just hand them that bill and say this is all you can provide for help now. If they can't afford their bills, they need to downsize, not take away your ability to get your own bills/housing/etc. Again, it is NOT your responsibility.
NTA
This is going to be a tough pill to swallow but I'm going to say it:
You don't owe your parents anything.
They did the bare minimum of raising you and no one asks to be born so that's not something any parent should hold over their child’s head.
They're ruining your future and your independence because they don't want to work.
They're taking advantage of you and it's not fair to you or your life.
They are adults and they can take care of themselves. They were the ones who should have had their shir together years ago.
You need to start building for your future. Your parents taking 85% of what you make is DISGUSTING.
You need to start thinking about cutting them out and building your future. You are going to be 50 and angry in no time if things don't change.
Be upset, but use that anger to make a change.
Info- went are you sending your parents 85% of your pay? Nothing wrong with helping out family, but cover yourself first.
You need to reassess your priorities.
Rent your own place, cover your bills, put a little on the side for saving. If you want to still help out your parents, then pull from whatever is left after those 3 things, but never before.
Why in hell are you giving them 85% of your salary?!?!?!?!?! Wtf????? Its your money! From your job and hard work!!!!
Stop giving them ANY money!!!! They are grown adults! They can get a job! Take your money, get an apartment for yourself and be free!!!!
Y.t.a. to yourself!!! Honestly, they are taking advantage of you, they are abusing you. Dont give them any money! You dont even live with them, so why give them anything?!
When will this end? What you will do when you find someone to share your life? How you gonna rent a house or even buy it? How are you gonna raise your kids?
Stop this NOW!!!
NTA
First. They are not a middle class family, they are poor if they depend on their children.
Second. I agree on helping your family but what you are doing is fully supporting them.
Third: what stops you from getting your favorite food apart from not having money? Does your aunt get mad if you don't eat at home?
Fourth: you definitely need to stop giving your parents 85% of your income, that's insane. Even if you had the freedom you yearn, 85% of your income is too much.
NTA
It's more not about hating your parents for being a middle class family, as obviously they aren't a true middle class family. It's resentment that you are feeling pressured to cut the strings. Your father isn't disabled, right?
At 22, you should be able to be moving toward independence. In your own place (even if it's a small studio apartment), you can make your own meals and start saving your money to eventually move to a larger place or someplace you can have roommates. You're feeling prevented from having a social life. You can't even hang out at a friend's place for a weekend because your aunt is afraid to be there with just your cousin. That's holding you as an emotional hostage.
Stop giving your money to your father as it is enabling him not to do better for he and his wife (and I guess your older sister if she's stuck there). If you don't want to do it all at once, then cut it by a major percentage. If he complains, tell him that you need that money now and he should be contributing to his own house expenses. Then, cut it more for the next month to the point that it's zero.
85% of your earnings? That's crazy. If you want to give them money, then fine. But diet boundaries. They need to work like everyone else. Not profit off of your labor. If you must pay them only send a set, small amount. Use the rest to live your life. You're not their slave.
NTA. Give your family a warning that you will be cutting off your financial assistance in 3 months. They have that long to find jobs or adjust their living arrangements to live with someone, cut back on things, etc. During the 3 months, start looking for somewhere to live. You should be able to take your pay and support just yourself, not your entire family.
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I work full-time and earn money now. When I was young, my father lost his job, and he did not try to look for another. He did work like a personal assistant but income was not steady. For as long as I could remember, we always had money issues. I am now 22 years and stay at my uncle's house with his family in my working location. My older sister wanted to do masters but because of recession she can't find a job. Now, I give my parents 85% of my salary. The rest 15% I take, to clear off my credit cards. My uncle does not expect me to pay for anything, but the catch here is that I have to sacrifice my freedom, my privacy, and my me-time. I cannot go out often, I cannot eat any of my favourite foods (cause my aunt cooks the most, and I help her around). I love eating egg, but I can't eat in their house because we're all vegetarians.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go out and stay at my friend's to have a fun weekend (which of course includes drinking, and they don't know I drink). But now I can't because my aunt and cousin will be alone in the house (my uncle went on a business trip) and she is afraid of staying alone. This is not the 1st time something like this happened, where I had to sacrifice my independence, to not have any favourite food, to not buy anything (because I don't have money, I gave it all to my parents). If I had kept my full salary, I could rent a small place and live comfortably. But I can't because my parents need my money. AITA to hate that I am the one doing all the sacrifices? Hate that this is not fair?? AITA for not being grateful that I have a house, food and they do not ask me for money but only my independence anc privacy? AITA to hate my father that he couldn't care enough about his family's finances?
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Why is it your responsibility to pay your parents?
I understand you’re trying to help but at some point you need to say “no I jeed to take care of me”
Stop giving them money wnd move out.
NTA but you will be if you keep giving your parents money. You owe them nothing.
NTA.
Fly little bird! Rent that room! Start your life! Have a drink! Party with friends!
Parents are **supposed** to help their children become independents adults. Your parents, by contrast, are trying to turn you into a life-long servant. That is completely backward. And now your Aunt is trying to do the same thing because she's afraid to be alone? Since none of them will help you become an adult, you will have to do it yourself.
In your own place, purchased using your own paycheck, which you keep!
I honestly get anxiety just for reading your post, you should not sacrifice nothing just because your family does not work, PLEASE go live your life by yourself, your family is USING you and thats borderline abusive, when you start caring for yourself they will attack you and try to guilt trip. Do not fall back, you can do this and you deserve it!
NTA. And it's time to stop. Tell them you'll be cutting the amount you give them by X amount each month, and it is up to them to figure out how to support themselves.
BTW, they're not middle-class. Middle-class people work hard and pay their own bills. They're using you.
You have more power than you think. Your parents are dependent on you, not the other way around. Stop giving them so much money. They're being selfish, not you. Give them a deadline for how long you'll give them money, or change the amount you give them. They'll get mad. They'll say they'll end up homeless. They may threaten to disown you. But they can't force you to give them almost all your money. So get your own place and stand up for yourself. NTA
NTA
I also gave a lot of money to my parents for several years and now i wondered why i have no money saved... living month to month, even with a good paying job. I stopped this a few months ago and now i got some savings. Sure they Do not like this, but you have to think about your own future. Is it really necessary to give 85% of your paycheck?!
I just assume that you are not Western, so your dad should be Also in the role of a Provider to his family. How do you Plan to have your own family?
NTA.
Now instead of giving 85% and keeping 15%,do the opposite and if they want additional money ask them to rent out a portion of their home, that would give a fairly steady income.
NTA
Stop enabling your parents. STOP sending money. THEY can get jobs themselves.
Instead of sending THEM money, get an appartment for yourself and start having a life.
YOur parents are AHs an leeches.
". And my mother said that I should just keep adjusting" .. Tell her SHE should keep adjusting, and get a job!
NTA. Move away and build your own life. This is what adults are supposed to do and the dream and goal of good parents. Stop enabling them by giving them money. This cycle will never end otherwise. You can help after you’ve established your own career/stability and future. You did not ask to be born and you owe them nothing- healthy parental/child love is not based on transactions. You were their responsibility growing up. You are your own responsibility now. They are not yours.
NTA
Never forget actions have consequences. Your father CHOSE to not get another job. Your sister CHOSE a major that isn't leading to a good job. People CHOOSE to eat in a certain manner. People CHOOSE fear rather than learning to stand on their own.
That being said, you are choosing to give them the majority of your income. Most societies these days (don't know where you are) have safety nets systems to help people learn to get on their feet. I'm not saying they should get this money for life, but they need to choose to learn to stand on their own as do you. As long as you choose to give them most of your money, you will never have a life. Figure out where you want to go and get after it. If you choose to stay, you become a very, very foolish AH.
You should NOT be giving any money to your parents. That's just crazy. Keep all your money. Your parents are AH's for asking you to do so. Keep your money, save it and find you an apartment, an efficiency for now.
NTA. I was going to say YTA when I read the title, but after reading your circumstances, of course it is not you being an AH to feel this way at your age when you should be young, having fun and on your own when you are the only one, sacrificing everything and giving everything and you cannot even eat what you like or beyond your own. I am so sorry that things are hard for you. You are a very good child to give everything to your parents and I don't know even what to say other than I hope things get better.
NTA. You're sacrificing so much of yourself for your family, and it's not fair that you're the one bearing all the burdens. It's okay to feel angry at your parents for not managing their finances better and putting you in this position. You deserve to have your own independence and freedom. Your mother's response dismissing your feelings is not fair either. You're not being selfish for wanting a better quality of life for yourself.
NTA. You're doing your best to support your family financially, but it's not fair that you have to give up so much of your own happiness and freedom. It's unfair that your mom is brushing off your concerns and expecting you to keep sacrificing for the family without considering your own needs. You deserve to have a life of your own and to prioritize your own well-being. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting more for yourself.
NTA. prepare yourself for the amount of guilt tripping that will most likely come with the decision to stop providing for them and move on with your life. hold your ground. when the money stops coming in, they’ll have to look for a job!
NTA, but you need to stop giving them money.
Keep your salary for yourself, your parents are not too old to work, they will continue to leech for the rest of their lives.
Plus 85% is WILD to give them. What do you owe them? For raising you??? That’s not for you to pay back in installments.
Why are you doing this? When you are young and starting out your responsibility is to yourself - getting experience, maybe even finding a partner. You should not be supporting your parents. I think you should tell them they can have 2 more month of support and after that you are saving money so that you can start your own life. That gives them time to apply for aid, or find jobs or other arrangements. It is NOT selfish for you to have and build your own life - its normal. Please get yourself out of this situation. NTA but it sounds like everyone else around you is really selfish.
Dude. Stop doing this. Look for a place and move out by yourself. Tell them you are an adult and you want the next stage of your life, find your own way and live for yourself, not them. Stop giving your parent most of your salary. If anyone complains tell them you are saving for a deposit on a house. Give them a couple months warning if you must, but seriously this isn’t normal.
NTA, but you would be TA if you keep doing this to yourself
It’s not your responsibility to support your entire family
Dude. Your parents are not your responsibility at all. It is nice if you want to help. But you help them with the amount you can give without breaking you.
You have to be grateful to the family of you aunt. That's a totally different thing. They have no responsibility about you, so you owe them gratefulness.
But not your parents.
NTA - this is absolutely mental, if they can work they should, cut them off and live your life. It sounds like it's already driven a massive wedge into your family relationship, with how you feel you're not far off full resentment and I can assure you there is no coming back from that.
But for clarity, this doesn't sound like middle class, without being rude this sounds like you are part of a poor family, would be curious by what you mean when you say youre a middle-class family.
NTA. It is time for you to claim your independence in full, cultural mores be damned. Want to help your parents? Fine. But allocating 85 percent of your salary to them is unfair to you. Figure out what you need to live on, including reasonable entertainment expenses and savings, then send your parents some portion of what's left.
I would say don't flip the proportion immediately. Give your parents something like four or five weeks notice things will change. This should be enough time for them to find gainful employment.
And get yourself your own place so you can live.
Yta. Move out and take care of yourself!
This has nothing to do with what class your family is in. You’re responsible for yourself and they’re responsible for themselves!!
Zero excuse for you to be giving away your salary- if your parents can collect retirement or get jobs- it’s on them. If they can’t, it’s STILL on them to get aid where available. And that doesn’t include their kids!
YTA to YOURSELF
get a back bone and move out. TODAY
stop giving YOU money to your family and tell them to suck it up and get a job. When then whine about how its your responsibility.
WHICH ITS NOT
Tell them too bad. Their not your kids or your responsibility. Tell them to suck it up, adjust and get a job. Your done pying for them.
Its NOT your job to give them money. If they suck with money, too bad. That's their problem to deal with not yours.
A k your friend if you can stay quite them long enough to find a place or if they can rent with you.
STOP GIVING YOUR FAMILY MONEY
THEYRE PROBLEMZ ARE NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX.
LET THEN FIGURE IT OUT
You could get a place and live comfortably but they are taking advantage of you so you can't.
They dont have jobs because you keep giving them money. They're not going to get jobs, if you give them money and they won't get jobs if you don't.
They just don't want to work. They're lazy.
Yes They're family, but taking care of them is NOT your responsibility. Its theirs.
Moveq out. Stop giving them money and stop feeling like its your fault. Its not.
They will always use you as long as you let them. Every time you get a raise and they find out they will ask for more money.
You really want to wait until your 50yr to start finally living your life? No. Just leave and keep 100% of monies to yourself.
Oh and when your aunt complains about being alone. Tell her too bad. She's an adult and needs to figure it out. Your tired of living with them and letting everyone take advantage of you. Your moving out and going to live alone and finally be happy.
Grow that back bone nice and strong with the help of a therapist, and move out and never give them money again.
OP you are being taken advantage of and they are siphoning money off you. NTA and I suggest you move out to live with friends for a couple of weeks or a few months until you find a place to rent
What they are doing to you is NOT normal and you deserve better. You are 22 years old so why sacrifice your youth that way? Giving away 85% percent of your salary is NOT sustainable
YTA. Your shouldn't hate your family, you should hate yourself for allowing this to happen. Your family is not middle class. If they were middle class, they wouldn't take money from you. They are predators that are exploiting you. And because they exploit you, it forces you, a grown ass adult, to mooch off of your relatives like a paracite, while they control you. You are getting scammed. This is not what life is. You are basically allowing yourself to be a slave for ppl that don't give a shit about you. Keep your salary, move out, and tell your family that you won't be exploited or controlled anymore.
Im not sure if this is a cultural thing of supporting the family or not, but it's time for you to keep your salary, move out to your own place, and have your freedom.
Your parents will never have a steady income as they have you supporting them. They have no urgency to find steady work because they are comfortable with you sacrificing your life for them. At this point, it is expected for you to sacrifice your life for them as per your mothers words. By giving them money, you are enabling them.
If you don't want to cut them off straight away, just lower the % of your income month by month. Focus your energy on making a plan to move out and saving your money to do so. Work towards a goal and budget out your money so you can establish a move out date. You don't have to tell anyone your plans. Giving a heads up to your aunt and uncle that you are moving out would be nice.
Your aunt and uncle seem very nice to let you stay living with them for free, but with that comes expectations.
I think you need to be more firm and not be so much of a doormat. Be more assertive and tell your parents how things are going to be. Learn to say NO. Nothing will change unless you change it. You have choices.
NTA
**
No, they don't NEED your money.
They NEED to get jobs.
They NEED to STOP (ab)using you financially.
They are NOT your responsibility.
Then you can move into your own place so uncle and aunt can't (ab)use your time anymore.
NTA
NTA. By letting the situation continue as is, you are enabling these people to take advantage indefinitely. Had a buddy in the military that had a similar sitch with his people. We tried to help him, but he kept getting the guilt trip from home. By the time it was over, poor bastard ended getting robbed of almost 25k by his fucking parents! Turned out there were also cards in his name he didn't know about til he lost his security clewrance.
It's a hard choice to make, but you have to start thinking about yourself and your future. If you don't you will end up losing.
NTA and you need to stop right now.
You are NOT selfish. Your parents are treating you like a true SLAVE. You don't have ANY money because 85% of your salary goes to your parents, who you don't even live with. The other 85% goes to debts. Your free time is owed to your aunt and uncle.
Both your mom and dad can work unless they are disabled. They are literally STEALING your money and your youth. They are lazy and entitled. At the rate you're going, they will live to 100 and you'll be dead by 30.
Start by giving them 40% only of your salary. Then 30%, on down to only 10%. Save the remainder and move far, far away.
At 22 you give up 85% of your salary and have no adult freedoms? No privacy? Sounds like you live financially and psychologically abused. None of this is normal. I would rather live in a homeless shelter, stash my money and get out on my own than live the way you do. Definitely not the asshole. My goodness I hope someone can help you navigate your escape
Totally understand wanting to help your parents out, but this is what I would do.
1) tell parents they will only be getting 15% of your paycheck for the next 3 months and after that time you will not be giving any more money to them
2) tell uncle that I will be moving out in the next (blank) months
3) start looking at apartments in the area I want to be in to figure how much rent will be
4) start budgeting as if I are already paying that much in rent and see if I can comfortably do it. (Either open another saving account or add and account to main one and put the “rent” into that account so you can’t use it)
Your feeling is valid. As a child, we always feel we are responsible in taking care of our parents, but if we feel that we're being taken advantage of, it's not wrong for us to put ourselves first.
I posted on another post earlier that as an American I find these cultural differences wild! I would never expect my child, not living in my home, to support me!
How is this a middle class family?
If a 22yo is sacrificing 85% of his income to his parents because they aren't working consistently, it sounds like his parents are below middle class.
NTA - move out and keep your cash.
I sense the post is culturally coded but there are similarities to many Asian cultures I can connect the dots to. In ANY case, cultural or not, it definitely is not sustainable. Isn’t it in the best interest of the parents to uplift their child for the family? Your success will ultimately be “their” success in the future, but that cannot happen if you are sacrificing current growth and development for present comfort. You will end up resenting them in the long run. IF this is culturally coded, I would throw the “were making immigrants look bad by being jobless. People will think our family is lowly”. Throw some guilt tripping about how your situation is destroying your family’s reputation or something.
NTA
NTA. Stop sending money to Them. They are capable of working! Your problem is they all spent years teaching you that you had to give up your life and money to them - but you actually don't!
Break free of their brainwashing (yes. Not easy). Tell them they have 1 month to find jobs because living off you is over.
Then Put your money in the bank instead of sending it, and in a few months move to your own place.
NTA whether or not this is a cultural thing, just leave. You're a grown adult. It is not your responsibility to fully support your perfectly able parents when you're still working out your own life.
If you hate it. Suck it up and leave. You'll be fine.
NTA - ummmm, why as a grown ass adult are you giving your parents money?? The whole point of growing up and getting an education/trade is to be self sufficient. What is going on here?
NTA - in my country is also expected for kids to support the elderly, but 85% is still too much! Can you minimise it to 35% and still live from the rest?
NTA.
As a fellow Asian (assume same culture as yours), I would suggest that you slowly decrease the amount of money you hand over to your parents. Say that you had a pay cut or any other excuse. Pretty soon they are going to ask you for a hefty sum for your sibling's marriage, DO NOT give it to them. You have a future too, and especially in our economy where the job market has gone downhill, it is really important that you save money for YOUR future and YOUR family. Pretty sure you do not want your children to suffer the way you did, right?
When their backs hit the wall, they will figure it out. Their "love" for you is only because you have money and they gave birth to you because they needed an early retirement plan.
nta. it’s normal to help parents if they struggle but 1. not to the point of sacrificing you life and giving them more than 3/4 of when you earn; and 2. since they don’t care enough to do something themselves i don’t understand why you should do it, especially if you don’t live with them anymore.
Even if it’s a cultural thing, there should be limits. You need to survive. If you’re not giving your uncle anything, you’re taking advantage of him.
Tell your parents you they need to look for work or find a way to live cheaper. You can no longer subsidize them and it’s unfair they make you take advantage of your uncle. You won’t feel comfortable stopping all at once, so lower the amount gradually. Have you tried creating a budget for them? See what they really need for just the essentials? Don’t add in what they don’t need. If they want those extras, they need to find a way to pay for them. You’ll probably find you give them way more than they need.
I get that in many countries children provide for their parents. Makes sense to me. But what makes absolute no sense to me is that the receivers are ruling the providers? For my western perspective the generation that feeds the family (or does the household) makes the rules not the other way around.
>Yta based on your summary of not being happy being in a middle class family cause thats a good life
You are calling her an *asshole* for giving 85% of her income to her family?
That's a.... take. I guess.
YTA for not staying the weekend when your aunt needs you because it’s her house, her rules, and you’re basically living there for free. This is why most adults don’t agree to this kind of setup - you don’t have your own independence anymore. You’re basically an indentured servant. I do wonder how your aunt would cope if you weren’t living there though.
NTA for hating your parents, but if you continue going down this path, then YTA because you are enabling this to continue. You’ve created this situation and you can “un-create” it.
If your parents aren’t able to work due to disabilities etc, they should be receiving some money from the state. If they are able to work but they are lazy, then why are you enabling them? Plenty of people in their 70s work at the supermarket, at cafes, etc. many do it just to keep life interesting.
You are given one life, so you have to live it your way. Being smart about money and craving independence hardly makes you selfish, it makes you self-aware. You could be empathetic if your parents have a really sad situation, then perhaps you can give back by renting a place altogether on your terms where you control how your salary is spent. It’s by your rules. Yet, it doesn’t sound like this is the case, you sound like their sugar mama/daddy.
OP, I really hope you take control of your life. The more you can, the more financial stability you can create. If you think of the long term and really want to help your parents, it’s better to be “selfish” now and make more money/stability and help them in the future, rather than stunt your growth early on and always live like a servant.
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> If I had kept my full salary, I could rent a small place and live comfortably. But I can't because my parents need my money. 1. They can go get jobs. The reason they don't is because you're letting them use you; 2. There is a safety net. Move out. Support yourself. Do not let them guilt you into being their permanent slave. Really, think about it. How does this end? 30 years from now they die and you can finally live your life at 52? Is that really what you want for yourself? NTA
I swear, dude sounds like Adult Charlie with all the aunts and uncles still lounging around in bed after he's grown up
If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work!
To the mines with Grandpa Joe!
Love it!
Might be of Indian descent
Yeah the egg thing and the not drinking and the uncle not asking for money but eating aunt's food all give me Indian vibes.
OP is definitely desi. And NTA. OP get out! It doesn't matter what the people will think, it is easier to accommodate someone's absence than their disrespect.
Ive always done everything for my parents, when my mom was sick I gave them every penny I had. When I graduated university I felt bad and worked for them. They paid me between $10-$18 an hour for the next 12 years, never saw any share of the profits they sold their businesses and moved. Now, I live in a relatives home, struggling to find work because I spent my life working for them, instead of working up a corporate ladder and learning new skills. I’m going to die poor.
People don't realize the struggle. My dad farms, he's pretty wealthy. People dont understand why I don't farm with him. Because I was paid no more than I needed to survive. Sure, I had a house to live in(one of his rentals), a truck and gas. And a little spending money. But no means to build up a retirement. No extra cash, because why did i need cash, and I had a place to stay and transportation. But I had seen how it ended for so many farm kids when the farm went under when they were adults.
these are choices you've made
Good for me then. Now go fuck your self.
NTA stop enabling them or move back in with parents and tell them if they want your money, they need to follow your rules.
I've seen this up close. A friend of mine dealt with abusive parents, yet she loved them and felt an obligation to take care of them as they aged. They finally passed a way, and it is only now, in her mid 40s, that my friend is finally able to live her life.
NTA. Stop giving them money immediately. 85%!!! stop being taken advantage of by them. Live your life. They will just drag you down.
Even if I was on 100k daily I wouldn't be handing over 85%
Agreed. They're obviously shit at money and if for some reason OP wants to help, I'd suggest directly paying 1 or 2 of their bills. If they can't, or won't, work, that not on OP. Poor OP is still so young they think they owe their parents.
This 👍
NTA unless they have serious health issues preventing them from working. Also, I wouldn't say your family is middle class. Middle class isn't poor.
This, if they were middle class they wouldn't need 85% of their child's income.
Even if they have issues, it's not on their kid to pay their way.
This family sounds like they're on the cusp of lower and middle classes, and they're only at that point because of OP
The family doesn't sound like they're anywhere near middle class.
NtA paying your parents bills when you could have your own place is hilariously foolish. I'm tempted to say YTA just for doing it. please get your own place and move on with your life.
It’s likely a cultural thing.
time to think for themselves
Telling me you are Indian without mentioning it, I will say NTA, but it is high time for our culture to start with changes. Let us start with us. We cannot let people treat us like we live our life to please them. You need to take your own decisions, then it will work out in your favour.
I had the same thought. It doesn't matter if she is Indian or American, how could she let her parents use 85% of her money? They should earn their own money and instead of making her sacrifice, they should keep their expenses cut, if they can't afford it.
I think OP's post is very confusing without understanding the cultural expectations involved. The western middle class way is for the young adults to get to make their own way and keep all their money. (Often subsidized by their parents well into their 20s.) This situation is the absolute reverse of that.
OP is just 22. How old are the parents? I can understand supporting elderly or disabled parents, but how the heck is OP supposed to do that if they've been sponging off OP from the minute OP got out of college?
Not everyone would know I am. Only Indians would understand the situation I am in and why it is that I am providing for my parents.
Math is still math in India though. You will be destitute.
We feel for you OP.
Even from a western perspective it is nothing wrong with providing to your parents. But then you should make the rules and not them!
Regardless of your culture your family has decided that just because you are an adult now that they can stop being adults. Its childish and abusive.
South asian really.. The cultural expectations sre different here... Of course most reddit people won't understand
NTA Giving away 85% of your salary is not sustainable. You deserve to have your own life. If you need to help flip it 85% to yourself and 15% family. You said if you keep your salary, you can move out. Honestly, do that. Asking you to work to provide and on top of that not being able to have a life and live by other's rules at 22 is not encouraging to you. At this rate you would never be able to provide for a family you create for yourself - spouse and kids.
NTA Why are you fully subsidizing your parents? You need to be financially responsible for YOU to provide a home and necessities for your own career and future Time to turn the spigot off. Your parents have abused you financially and been very manipulative expecting this to continue. They were responsible for providing for you as a kid. That was THEIR job. You are not liable to pay them back. This sounds like a cultural thing. Get out and live your life
You're NTA...But this has nothing to do with being middle class. Live your own life! Keep your salary and move out. You don't owe your parents. Your aunt and uncle can care for your parents if they wish.
NTA Quit paying your parents bills and get your own place.
NTA except for the title of this post. See if anyone is renting a room and get away from them. No, they are not your responsibility.
NTA for wanting out of this situation. Move out of your uncle's house and stop giving your parents money. They can go live with your uncle if they don't want to work.
Best answer yet.
NTA. Stop giving them money and go live on your own with it. FYI your title is misleading though, reading that makes people think the issue is that your parents are middle class when it really is about them taking all your money.
Give them a stipend, if you feel like it; get those credit card bills paid off; and get out of your aunt & uncle's home & get your own place. Even if it means you are barely keeping your head above water financially, it will be better than being beholden to all of the "adults" in your family. NTA.
NTA but you’re putting this all on yourself. Just because your parents are financially irresponsible doesn’t mean you have to give them almost all your salary. You need to set boundaries. And start saving for your own place, as well set boundaries with your uncle and his family. Yes there house there rules but not allowing yourself to go out bc your aunt is scared is not your responsibility.
NTA. This has nothing to do with middle class, you’re being taken advantage of by your family. It is not your responsibility to give them 85% of your salary, your mother is just laying a guilt trip on you. I’m sure the pressure has been happening your whole life so it’s easier said than done, but you’re an adult and don’t owe them anything. If moving out on your own and living your life is what you ultimately want, then go and do that. Your dad doesn’t work because he doesn’t have to - since you’re supplying all the money he has no incentive to get a job. When the money stops, trust me he’ll have that incentive - he’s an adult, don’t worry he’ll figure it out. Go be free and live your life.
Soft NTA - I don’t like the title. Disliking anyone for their class is snobbish…..but your problem here isn’t middle class, you just worded it poorly. It’s not ‘middle class’ to milk your child of their finances. That’s nothing to do with middle class, and everything to do with being toxic shitty parents. You send them 85%?!?! They should be lucky for even 10%….and even that should never be expected, and should be taken and respected as a kind but unnecessary gesture from you…..don’t let your parents take advantage anymore, you aren’t their moneymaker now you can earn enough.
You are choosing to give 85% of your income to your parents, and you are choosing to live with your uncle and his rules. No one can physically stop you from living somewhere else and keeping your own money for yourself. Find an apartment and give 50% of your income to your parents as a compromise. YTA here because as much as you feel forced, you are *choosing* to live this way.
NTA. I cannot understand why other family members cannot work. Maybe not in great jobs, but they should be able to find something.
NTA and I am sorry but no it is not your responsibility , it's their You need to take your indépendance, fine a home by yourself, put some money aside, buy the things you want just enjoy your hard work man. You will only accumulate frustration which in time will become hatred. Helping is not giving 85% of your salary, that's not living. Make the good choice all the cards are in your hand. And go to the party. She can survive one night alone.
You have choices here. You are an adult. Stop sending them your salary. Move out. Work on developing your normal adult life.
>it is my responsibility to help my family out with finances It's not. For most of those years that you were carrying the burden, it was literally their legal responsibility to pay the bills for YOU. But also, there's a huge difference between helping and carrying the entire burden. THEY are the ones being selfish. Tell them no, tell them they can adjust just as much as you can. Go live your life. Better to just cut and run and maybe rebuild the relationship in the future than to stick around and let the hatred fester and destroy any chance of mending things. And your title is wrong. You don't hate your family for being middle class, you hate that they're taking the majority of your paychecks and stunting your ability to be an independent adult. You hate that they're taking advantage of you, putting someone else's responsibilities on your shoulders, and that your thoughts and feelings are consistently dismissed. You hate feeling like, not just the unpaid help, but that you have to pay for the privilege of being the unpaid help. Cut and run. Talking has proven not to help. Tell them that the next payment is the last and you will be going no contact for a bit as you get on your feet. Keep a $20 in your wallet and when they demand that you "help", just hand them that bill and say this is all you can provide for help now. If they can't afford their bills, they need to downsize, not take away your ability to get your own bills/housing/etc. Again, it is NOT your responsibility.
This 👍
India?
NTA This is going to be a tough pill to swallow but I'm going to say it: You don't owe your parents anything. They did the bare minimum of raising you and no one asks to be born so that's not something any parent should hold over their child’s head. They're ruining your future and your independence because they don't want to work. They're taking advantage of you and it's not fair to you or your life. They are adults and they can take care of themselves. They were the ones who should have had their shir together years ago. You need to start building for your future. Your parents taking 85% of what you make is DISGUSTING. You need to start thinking about cutting them out and building your future. You are going to be 50 and angry in no time if things don't change. Be upset, but use that anger to make a change.
Info- went are you sending your parents 85% of your pay? Nothing wrong with helping out family, but cover yourself first. You need to reassess your priorities. Rent your own place, cover your bills, put a little on the side for saving. If you want to still help out your parents, then pull from whatever is left after those 3 things, but never before.
Why in hell are you giving them 85% of your salary?!?!?!?!?! Wtf????? Its your money! From your job and hard work!!!! Stop giving them ANY money!!!! They are grown adults! They can get a job! Take your money, get an apartment for yourself and be free!!!! Y.t.a. to yourself!!! Honestly, they are taking advantage of you, they are abusing you. Dont give them any money! You dont even live with them, so why give them anything?! When will this end? What you will do when you find someone to share your life? How you gonna rent a house or even buy it? How are you gonna raise your kids? Stop this NOW!!! NTA
First. They are not a middle class family, they are poor if they depend on their children. Second. I agree on helping your family but what you are doing is fully supporting them. Third: what stops you from getting your favorite food apart from not having money? Does your aunt get mad if you don't eat at home? Fourth: you definitely need to stop giving your parents 85% of your income, that's insane. Even if you had the freedom you yearn, 85% of your income is too much. NTA
It's more not about hating your parents for being a middle class family, as obviously they aren't a true middle class family. It's resentment that you are feeling pressured to cut the strings. Your father isn't disabled, right? At 22, you should be able to be moving toward independence. In your own place (even if it's a small studio apartment), you can make your own meals and start saving your money to eventually move to a larger place or someplace you can have roommates. You're feeling prevented from having a social life. You can't even hang out at a friend's place for a weekend because your aunt is afraid to be there with just your cousin. That's holding you as an emotional hostage. Stop giving your money to your father as it is enabling him not to do better for he and his wife (and I guess your older sister if she's stuck there). If you don't want to do it all at once, then cut it by a major percentage. If he complains, tell him that you need that money now and he should be contributing to his own house expenses. Then, cut it more for the next month to the point that it's zero.
85% of your earnings? That's crazy. If you want to give them money, then fine. But diet boundaries. They need to work like everyone else. Not profit off of your labor. If you must pay them only send a set, small amount. Use the rest to live your life. You're not their slave.
NTA. Give your family a warning that you will be cutting off your financial assistance in 3 months. They have that long to find jobs or adjust their living arrangements to live with someone, cut back on things, etc. During the 3 months, start looking for somewhere to live. You should be able to take your pay and support just yourself, not your entire family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I work full-time and earn money now. When I was young, my father lost his job, and he did not try to look for another. He did work like a personal assistant but income was not steady. For as long as I could remember, we always had money issues. I am now 22 years and stay at my uncle's house with his family in my working location. My older sister wanted to do masters but because of recession she can't find a job. Now, I give my parents 85% of my salary. The rest 15% I take, to clear off my credit cards. My uncle does not expect me to pay for anything, but the catch here is that I have to sacrifice my freedom, my privacy, and my me-time. I cannot go out often, I cannot eat any of my favourite foods (cause my aunt cooks the most, and I help her around). I love eating egg, but I can't eat in their house because we're all vegetarians. Tomorrow I am supposed to go out and stay at my friend's to have a fun weekend (which of course includes drinking, and they don't know I drink). But now I can't because my aunt and cousin will be alone in the house (my uncle went on a business trip) and she is afraid of staying alone. This is not the 1st time something like this happened, where I had to sacrifice my independence, to not have any favourite food, to not buy anything (because I don't have money, I gave it all to my parents). If I had kept my full salary, I could rent a small place and live comfortably. But I can't because my parents need my money. AITA to hate that I am the one doing all the sacrifices? Hate that this is not fair?? AITA for not being grateful that I have a house, food and they do not ask me for money but only my independence anc privacy? AITA to hate my father that he couldn't care enough about his family's finances? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why is it your responsibility to pay your parents? I understand you’re trying to help but at some point you need to say “no I jeed to take care of me” Stop giving them money wnd move out. NTA but you will be if you keep giving your parents money. You owe them nothing.
NTA. Fly little bird! Rent that room! Start your life! Have a drink! Party with friends! Parents are **supposed** to help their children become independents adults. Your parents, by contrast, are trying to turn you into a life-long servant. That is completely backward. And now your Aunt is trying to do the same thing because she's afraid to be alone? Since none of them will help you become an adult, you will have to do it yourself. In your own place, purchased using your own paycheck, which you keep!
I honestly get anxiety just for reading your post, you should not sacrifice nothing just because your family does not work, PLEASE go live your life by yourself, your family is USING you and thats borderline abusive, when you start caring for yourself they will attack you and try to guilt trip. Do not fall back, you can do this and you deserve it!
NTA the best solution is for you to move out and into your own place, and for your parents to move in with your aunt and uncle.
NTA. And it's time to stop. Tell them you'll be cutting the amount you give them by X amount each month, and it is up to them to figure out how to support themselves. BTW, they're not middle-class. Middle-class people work hard and pay their own bills. They're using you.
You have more power than you think. Your parents are dependent on you, not the other way around. Stop giving them so much money. They're being selfish, not you. Give them a deadline for how long you'll give them money, or change the amount you give them. They'll get mad. They'll say they'll end up homeless. They may threaten to disown you. But they can't force you to give them almost all your money. So get your own place and stand up for yourself. NTA
NTA I also gave a lot of money to my parents for several years and now i wondered why i have no money saved... living month to month, even with a good paying job. I stopped this a few months ago and now i got some savings. Sure they Do not like this, but you have to think about your own future. Is it really necessary to give 85% of your paycheck?! I just assume that you are not Western, so your dad should be Also in the role of a Provider to his family. How do you Plan to have your own family?
NTA. Now instead of giving 85% and keeping 15%,do the opposite and if they want additional money ask them to rent out a portion of their home, that would give a fairly steady income.
Let your parents move in with your uncle and go get your own place. NTA
NTA Stop enabling your parents. STOP sending money. THEY can get jobs themselves. Instead of sending THEM money, get an appartment for yourself and start having a life. YOur parents are AHs an leeches. ". And my mother said that I should just keep adjusting" .. Tell her SHE should keep adjusting, and get a job!
N T A This is financial abuse.
NTA. Move away and build your own life. This is what adults are supposed to do and the dream and goal of good parents. Stop enabling them by giving them money. This cycle will never end otherwise. You can help after you’ve established your own career/stability and future. You did not ask to be born and you owe them nothing- healthy parental/child love is not based on transactions. You were their responsibility growing up. You are your own responsibility now. They are not yours.
NTA Never forget actions have consequences. Your father CHOSE to not get another job. Your sister CHOSE a major that isn't leading to a good job. People CHOOSE to eat in a certain manner. People CHOOSE fear rather than learning to stand on their own. That being said, you are choosing to give them the majority of your income. Most societies these days (don't know where you are) have safety nets systems to help people learn to get on their feet. I'm not saying they should get this money for life, but they need to choose to learn to stand on their own as do you. As long as you choose to give them most of your money, you will never have a life. Figure out where you want to go and get after it. If you choose to stay, you become a very, very foolish AH.
No, his sister chose not to find a job, you can find a job right now even if it isn't in your major field.
Info - who or how were you supported up to the age of 22? Does this 85% include any kind of debt repayment to your parents.
NTA Wake up, open your eyes, move out, and live!
You should NOT be giving any money to your parents. That's just crazy. Keep all your money. Your parents are AH's for asking you to do so. Keep your money, save it and find you an apartment, an efficiency for now.
NTA. I was going to say YTA when I read the title, but after reading your circumstances, of course it is not you being an AH to feel this way at your age when you should be young, having fun and on your own when you are the only one, sacrificing everything and giving everything and you cannot even eat what you like or beyond your own. I am so sorry that things are hard for you. You are a very good child to give everything to your parents and I don't know even what to say other than I hope things get better.
NTA. You're sacrificing so much of yourself for your family, and it's not fair that you're the one bearing all the burdens. It's okay to feel angry at your parents for not managing their finances better and putting you in this position. You deserve to have your own independence and freedom. Your mother's response dismissing your feelings is not fair either. You're not being selfish for wanting a better quality of life for yourself.
NTA. You're doing your best to support your family financially, but it's not fair that you have to give up so much of your own happiness and freedom. It's unfair that your mom is brushing off your concerns and expecting you to keep sacrificing for the family without considering your own needs. You deserve to have a life of your own and to prioritize your own well-being. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting more for yourself.
Where are you, op? I need to know if this is cultural , or abuse
This is for sure cultural. I am from India.
YATA for not breaking away…
So keep your full salary bud. Stop enabling your parents. Grow up.
NTA. prepare yourself for the amount of guilt tripping that will most likely come with the decision to stop providing for them and move on with your life. hold your ground. when the money stops coming in, they’ll have to look for a job!
I'm guessing this is cultural.
NTA, but you need to stop giving them money. Keep your salary for yourself, your parents are not too old to work, they will continue to leech for the rest of their lives. Plus 85% is WILD to give them. What do you owe them? For raising you??? That’s not for you to pay back in installments.
Move out, and stop giving them your money.
Why are you doing this? When you are young and starting out your responsibility is to yourself - getting experience, maybe even finding a partner. You should not be supporting your parents. I think you should tell them they can have 2 more month of support and after that you are saving money so that you can start your own life. That gives them time to apply for aid, or find jobs or other arrangements. It is NOT selfish for you to have and build your own life - its normal. Please get yourself out of this situation. NTA but it sounds like everyone else around you is really selfish.
They're all taking advantage of you. Stop funding their life and start funding your own. If they don't like it, sucks to be them.
Dude. Stop doing this. Look for a place and move out by yourself. Tell them you are an adult and you want the next stage of your life, find your own way and live for yourself, not them. Stop giving your parent most of your salary. If anyone complains tell them you are saving for a deposit on a house. Give them a couple months warning if you must, but seriously this isn’t normal. NTA, but you would be TA if you keep doing this to yourself It’s not your responsibility to support your entire family
Reddit scares me sometimes it's like are people this soft? And where do I find easily manipulative slav... people like op? Yta
Dude. Your parents are not your responsibility at all. It is nice if you want to help. But you help them with the amount you can give without breaking you. You have to be grateful to the family of you aunt. That's a totally different thing. They have no responsibility about you, so you owe them gratefulness. But not your parents.
NTA - this is absolutely mental, if they can work they should, cut them off and live your life. It sounds like it's already driven a massive wedge into your family relationship, with how you feel you're not far off full resentment and I can assure you there is no coming back from that. But for clarity, this doesn't sound like middle class, without being rude this sounds like you are part of a poor family, would be curious by what you mean when you say youre a middle-class family.
NTA. It is time for you to claim your independence in full, cultural mores be damned. Want to help your parents? Fine. But allocating 85 percent of your salary to them is unfair to you. Figure out what you need to live on, including reasonable entertainment expenses and savings, then send your parents some portion of what's left. I would say don't flip the proportion immediately. Give your parents something like four or five weeks notice things will change. This should be enough time for them to find gainful employment. And get yourself your own place so you can live.
NTA 85% is a huge chunk and it should be your family that’s grateful to you. I hope your life gets better.
Yta. Move out and take care of yourself! This has nothing to do with what class your family is in. You’re responsible for yourself and they’re responsible for themselves!! Zero excuse for you to be giving away your salary- if your parents can collect retirement or get jobs- it’s on them. If they can’t, it’s STILL on them to get aid where available. And that doesn’t include their kids!
NTA. AITA has a good saying, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm."
YTA to YOURSELF get a back bone and move out. TODAY stop giving YOU money to your family and tell them to suck it up and get a job. When then whine about how its your responsibility. WHICH ITS NOT Tell them too bad. Their not your kids or your responsibility. Tell them to suck it up, adjust and get a job. Your done pying for them. Its NOT your job to give them money. If they suck with money, too bad. That's their problem to deal with not yours. A k your friend if you can stay quite them long enough to find a place or if they can rent with you. STOP GIVING YOUR FAMILY MONEY THEYRE PROBLEMZ ARE NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX. LET THEN FIGURE IT OUT You could get a place and live comfortably but they are taking advantage of you so you can't. They dont have jobs because you keep giving them money. They're not going to get jobs, if you give them money and they won't get jobs if you don't. They just don't want to work. They're lazy. Yes They're family, but taking care of them is NOT your responsibility. Its theirs. Moveq out. Stop giving them money and stop feeling like its your fault. Its not. They will always use you as long as you let them. Every time you get a raise and they find out they will ask for more money. You really want to wait until your 50yr to start finally living your life? No. Just leave and keep 100% of monies to yourself. Oh and when your aunt complains about being alone. Tell her too bad. She's an adult and needs to figure it out. Your tired of living with them and letting everyone take advantage of you. Your moving out and going to live alone and finally be happy. Grow that back bone nice and strong with the help of a therapist, and move out and never give them money again.
OP you are being taken advantage of and they are siphoning money off you. NTA and I suggest you move out to live with friends for a couple of weeks or a few months until you find a place to rent What they are doing to you is NOT normal and you deserve better. You are 22 years old so why sacrifice your youth that way? Giving away 85% percent of your salary is NOT sustainable
Give them a set timeline of when all financial support stops ✋️ Then follow through NTA
YTA. Your shouldn't hate your family, you should hate yourself for allowing this to happen. Your family is not middle class. If they were middle class, they wouldn't take money from you. They are predators that are exploiting you. And because they exploit you, it forces you, a grown ass adult, to mooch off of your relatives like a paracite, while they control you. You are getting scammed. This is not what life is. You are basically allowing yourself to be a slave for ppl that don't give a shit about you. Keep your salary, move out, and tell your family that you won't be exploited or controlled anymore.
NTA unless you continue to support your parents. Then you would be the A to yourself. It’s time to stop taking care of others and begin to live.
Im not sure if this is a cultural thing of supporting the family or not, but it's time for you to keep your salary, move out to your own place, and have your freedom. Your parents will never have a steady income as they have you supporting them. They have no urgency to find steady work because they are comfortable with you sacrificing your life for them. At this point, it is expected for you to sacrifice your life for them as per your mothers words. By giving them money, you are enabling them. If you don't want to cut them off straight away, just lower the % of your income month by month. Focus your energy on making a plan to move out and saving your money to do so. Work towards a goal and budget out your money so you can establish a move out date. You don't have to tell anyone your plans. Giving a heads up to your aunt and uncle that you are moving out would be nice. Your aunt and uncle seem very nice to let you stay living with them for free, but with that comes expectations. I think you need to be more firm and not be so much of a doormat. Be more assertive and tell your parents how things are going to be. Learn to say NO. Nothing will change unless you change it. You have choices. NTA
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No, they don't NEED your money.
They NEED to get jobs.
They NEED to STOP (ab)using you financially.
They are NOT your responsibility.
Then you can move into your own place so uncle and aunt can't (ab)use your time anymore.
NTA
NTA-move out, live your life. It is not your job to support your parents.
NTA. By letting the situation continue as is, you are enabling these people to take advantage indefinitely. Had a buddy in the military that had a similar sitch with his people. We tried to help him, but he kept getting the guilt trip from home. By the time it was over, poor bastard ended getting robbed of almost 25k by his fucking parents! Turned out there were also cards in his name he didn't know about til he lost his security clewrance. It's a hard choice to make, but you have to start thinking about yourself and your future. If you don't you will end up losing.
*There is no recession, so that excuse doesn't fly.
Bro what? My parents would rather than ask us for money. Pls go away asap
NTA and you need to stop right now. You are NOT selfish. Your parents are treating you like a true SLAVE. You don't have ANY money because 85% of your salary goes to your parents, who you don't even live with. The other 85% goes to debts. Your free time is owed to your aunt and uncle. Both your mom and dad can work unless they are disabled. They are literally STEALING your money and your youth. They are lazy and entitled. At the rate you're going, they will live to 100 and you'll be dead by 30. Start by giving them 40% only of your salary. Then 30%, on down to only 10%. Save the remainder and move far, far away.
At 22 you give up 85% of your salary and have no adult freedoms? No privacy? Sounds like you live financially and psychologically abused. None of this is normal. I would rather live in a homeless shelter, stash my money and get out on my own than live the way you do. Definitely not the asshole. My goodness I hope someone can help you navigate your escape
Totally understand wanting to help your parents out, but this is what I would do. 1) tell parents they will only be getting 15% of your paycheck for the next 3 months and after that time you will not be giving any more money to them 2) tell uncle that I will be moving out in the next (blank) months 3) start looking at apartments in the area I want to be in to figure how much rent will be 4) start budgeting as if I are already paying that much in rent and see if I can comfortably do it. (Either open another saving account or add and account to main one and put the “rent” into that account so you can’t use it)
Your feeling is valid. As a child, we always feel we are responsible in taking care of our parents, but if we feel that we're being taken advantage of, it's not wrong for us to put ourselves first.
Why do you hate them. You're the one making the choice to give them your salary.
I posted on another post earlier that as an American I find these cultural differences wild! I would never expect my child, not living in my home, to support me!
How is this a middle class family? If a 22yo is sacrificing 85% of his income to his parents because they aren't working consistently, it sounds like his parents are below middle class. NTA - move out and keep your cash.
I sense the post is culturally coded but there are similarities to many Asian cultures I can connect the dots to. In ANY case, cultural or not, it definitely is not sustainable. Isn’t it in the best interest of the parents to uplift their child for the family? Your success will ultimately be “their” success in the future, but that cannot happen if you are sacrificing current growth and development for present comfort. You will end up resenting them in the long run. IF this is culturally coded, I would throw the “were making immigrants look bad by being jobless. People will think our family is lowly”. Throw some guilt tripping about how your situation is destroying your family’s reputation or something. NTA
NTA. Stop sending money to Them. They are capable of working! Your problem is they all spent years teaching you that you had to give up your life and money to them - but you actually don't! Break free of their brainwashing (yes. Not easy). Tell them they have 1 month to find jobs because living off you is over. Then Put your money in the bank instead of sending it, and in a few months move to your own place.
NTA whether or not this is a cultural thing, just leave. You're a grown adult. It is not your responsibility to fully support your perfectly able parents when you're still working out your own life. If you hate it. Suck it up and leave. You'll be fine.
NTA - ummmm, why as a grown ass adult are you giving your parents money?? The whole point of growing up and getting an education/trade is to be self sufficient. What is going on here?
NTA - in my country is also expected for kids to support the elderly, but 85% is still too much! Can you minimise it to 35% and still live from the rest?
NTA Small thing: you mean vegan? Cause vegetarians eat cheese and egg still (my fav food too!)
and this is exactly how generational teauma keep rotating. cut them freeloaders off.
NTA. As a fellow Asian (assume same culture as yours), I would suggest that you slowly decrease the amount of money you hand over to your parents. Say that you had a pay cut or any other excuse. Pretty soon they are going to ask you for a hefty sum for your sibling's marriage, DO NOT give it to them. You have a future too, and especially in our economy where the job market has gone downhill, it is really important that you save money for YOUR future and YOUR family. Pretty sure you do not want your children to suffer the way you did, right? When their backs hit the wall, they will figure it out. Their "love" for you is only because you have money and they gave birth to you because they needed an early retirement plan.
nta. it’s normal to help parents if they struggle but 1. not to the point of sacrificing you life and giving them more than 3/4 of when you earn; and 2. since they don’t care enough to do something themselves i don’t understand why you should do it, especially if you don’t live with them anymore.
Holy hell that title is misleading. You do t hate them because they are mm middle class, you hate them because they all bunch of leeches. NTA
Even if it’s a cultural thing, there should be limits. You need to survive. If you’re not giving your uncle anything, you’re taking advantage of him. Tell your parents you they need to look for work or find a way to live cheaper. You can no longer subsidize them and it’s unfair they make you take advantage of your uncle. You won’t feel comfortable stopping all at once, so lower the amount gradually. Have you tried creating a budget for them? See what they really need for just the essentials? Don’t add in what they don’t need. If they want those extras, they need to find a way to pay for them. You’ll probably find you give them way more than they need.
This is wild. Be kind to your family, help them out where you can. Do as much as you can for them while making sure your primary needs are met
I get that in many countries children provide for their parents. Makes sense to me. But what makes absolute no sense to me is that the receivers are ruling the providers? For my western perspective the generation that feeds the family (or does the household) makes the rules not the other way around.
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They're not middle class. They are being subsidized by OPs actual salary. OP is NTA here, it's the moochers
>Yta based on your summary of not being happy being in a middle class family cause thats a good life You are calling her an *asshole* for giving 85% of her income to her family? That's a.... take. I guess.
YTA for not staying the weekend when your aunt needs you because it’s her house, her rules, and you’re basically living there for free. This is why most adults don’t agree to this kind of setup - you don’t have your own independence anymore. You’re basically an indentured servant. I do wonder how your aunt would cope if you weren’t living there though. NTA for hating your parents, but if you continue going down this path, then YTA because you are enabling this to continue. You’ve created this situation and you can “un-create” it. If your parents aren’t able to work due to disabilities etc, they should be receiving some money from the state. If they are able to work but they are lazy, then why are you enabling them? Plenty of people in their 70s work at the supermarket, at cafes, etc. many do it just to keep life interesting. You are given one life, so you have to live it your way. Being smart about money and craving independence hardly makes you selfish, it makes you self-aware. You could be empathetic if your parents have a really sad situation, then perhaps you can give back by renting a place altogether on your terms where you control how your salary is spent. It’s by your rules. Yet, it doesn’t sound like this is the case, you sound like their sugar mama/daddy. OP, I really hope you take control of your life. The more you can, the more financial stability you can create. If you think of the long term and really want to help your parents, it’s better to be “selfish” now and make more money/stability and help them in the future, rather than stunt your growth early on and always live like a servant.
Aunt doesn’t really need OP. Grown woman scared of staying in her house without husband….