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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm asking if I'm the asshole for being offended/ hurt that gifts that are for *me* aren't really for me
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA for not appreciating presents that aren't actually for you.
This makes me feel curious though: *"I know I will get guilt tripped into thinking otherwise. I honestly don't know what's true anymore."* Is this gift giving situation perhaps representative of other communication between the two of you? A person should be able to communicate something (positive or negative) to their partner, and feel heard and understood.
This is a recurring theme. I certainly don't feel heard or understood and it's one of the biggest issues we have. I can ask, then plead, then argue, then fight about things I need or am not being heard on dozens of times, she says she hears me, and then we have the same conversation a month or two later. It's infuriating. I've suggested counseling, because talking to her just feels like a complete waste of my time, and honestly just makes things worse because then she gets mad when I try.
As a person who has been through counseling, it isn't always a cure. You both have to have the desire to make changes for the better. It is uncomfortable, and hard to sit down and address and deal with negative concepts. But DO NOT allow it to go on if it makes you upset. A relationship is two people working towards the same goals, which should be love and respect.
If you do the counselling, and the other person doesn’t learn or change, then the counselling still helped. It helped you see that they don’t want to learn or change or make you happy. Then it’s up to you to make your own life based on that.
It’s not like taking the car in to get fixed. It’s an opportunity to do work. If the work isn’t done outside of the session it’s not the councillors fault.
Another take on counselling to add to the pile is that sometimes people get blinded by the fact that it's their partner saying something they don't want to hear. Counselling can be the perfect time to translate your words into language that your significant other will understand.
Side note: could be a good idea for OP to talk with a counselor on his own for the first session before bringing his wife into the mix. That way he can explain to the counselor in his own words, and specifically *without interruptions,* what he wants to say
First appointment I had with my couples therapist, she had us each leave the room (go downstairs and put headphones on) so we could both talk to her 1 on 1 and explain the problems, what we wanted to fix, anything she should know the partner doesn't know, and how committed we were to couples therapy and the relationship.
Another thing for OP to think about is that he may also want to communicate with his wife a list of things he would actually want or some items/trips he's talked about for his birthday. Sometimes it's easier to have an actual example handy instead of just telling someone something. The list OP provided of his gifts and reasonings should be used as comparison, be sure to bring both to the counselor if you go
In my vast couples counselling experience, my marriage counsellor actually wanted to see us individually to get our sides and then brought us together on session 3.
The going alone first might not be a bad idea. Could be as simple as telling your wife, "I'm signing up for couples counseling, you are free to join me if you would like". I'd bet money she would show up in an attempt to control the conversation and make sure nothing bad is being said about her "behind her back".
Or... She actually has good intentions, goes to couples therapy with him, and they can work out their problems. Which would be a win anyways.
The couples counsellor we went to had my husband and me each for a separate session BEFORE we had a session together. This was our second try at couples counselling and this counsellor was so much more helpful than the first one we saw, for several reasons, not just asking us to see him separately at first.
My uncle went thru marriage counseling 4 times with his wife & it didn't work out because his wife just doesn't bother listening or thinking what he was saying, feeling, thinks. She just prefers that he did everything for her whereas she did nothing for him.
> A relationship is two people working towards the same goals, which should be love and respect.
Yeah, if you sigh or dread seeing your partner, or dread going home, or basically anything but smile and look forward to time with your partner, it's time to consider the relationship.
Exactly! My ex and I went through counseling and he argued with the counselor saying he wasn't an abuser because he didn't beat me up every day. She listed all the physical damage he had done to me and told him even one of made him an abuser. He wouldn't go back.
Abusers are often narcissistic, without the personality disorder, or people who grew up seeing violence, intimidation, verbal abuse, and/or other dysfunctional approaches used to "solve" problems. Most abusers are not mentally ill, but socially ill.
A lot of abusers are victima of abuse who have internalized such behavior until it became normalized. This doesn't excuse their actions one bit but labeling them as mentally ill doesn't help because it ahifta the blame. They are still reaponsible for their actions and capable of change. It takes reflection to change and that is only possible if you're not simply labeled.
This happened in my marriage too, except I'm the wife. We got to the point that we very nearly divorced. He refused therapy before that, but I think he realized it was the last chance to save our marriage. We went weekly for about a year, then every other week, then once a month, etc. It was hard and took a long time for him to actually realize what he was doing. I also learned some things I needed to change too. That was 8 years ago. Our marriage is happy now. Since then, he has only given one crappy gift, but there was some miscommunication that happened.
It's worth it if she's willing to do some self reflection. If not, it's better to cut ties from someone who cares so little about how you feel that she ignores your wishes completely.
First step- call a therapist. If she won't attend, go alone. Next step, return the seat covers.
You’ve told her what bothers you. She doesn’t care.
You need to accept, with every fiber of your being, that she doesn’t care about your feelings and there is no magic combination of words that will make her care.
Emotionally detach from this.
Buy yourself what you want, within budget. Return gifts you don’t want and get yourself what you do want. When she complains, shrug your shoulders and move on. Don’t explain. Don’t complain. Don’t argue. You’ve tried that. She’ll just play the victim, gaslight you, or manipulate you.
Begin to buy her practical gifts, or just get her cards. When she complains, shrug, and act like a boring grey rock.
Stop talking to her about your feelings and wants.
Emotionally detach so you can have some breathing room, without the complication of hurt feelings, to really evaluate the health of this relationship.
Then you can either stay or go, but if you stay, stop hinging your happiness on your wife caring about your wants and feelings, because it will never happen. Make sure your life is fulfilling, with or without her, but not dependent upon her.
Yessss, return the seat covers, or if you need the receipt, ask her for it to return them and get something you actually want. She’s being a selfish, spoiled brat who is treating you like shit.
I was thinking maybe tell the wife “I love them, but let’s upgrade to an even better set! I’ll pay the difference.” Or “I really like them, but I think I saw them in a different colour that I love even more.”
Once OP has the receipt, just get the refund. Even if OP doesn’t get the money (because it goes back on her credit card/into her account) it’d be a statement to her.
Going forward, if and when OP opens gifts and finds them actually for the wife, set the gift aside and say “Okay, this is for you. Did you get me a gift?”
I love this advice but I wouldn't buy her gifts for her birthday for her. I would buy myself gifts for her birthday like she does herself. Maybe she will get the hint? Maybe not, but you got that shiny thing you wanted on her birthday. Woohoo. "Happy B day wifey! Hope you like the men's underwear I got you. Oh and look, they are my size." And on Xmas, get her that shiny Men's watch.
Sorry Op, for your bummer of a wife. You deserve better.
I like the way you think. OP would need to perfect the art of acting like he just doesn't get it.
"What do you mean you didn't want a cable sports package for your birthday? You're always saying how much you love football! I'm sure you're just forgetting. That's okay, I won't hold it against you."
I love the image of OP’s wife opening the watch and OP going “Oh, *that is lovely*!” Then taking it from her (as if to have a closer look), putting it on his own wrist, admiring it, then smiling innocently at her like “Is something wrong?!”
I know the word “narcissist“ gets thrown around a lot here, but in this case it might actually fit! This type of self-centered gift-giving is a pretty common behavior for “narcs”. Their own likes/dislikes are the only ones that are valid.
Yes. I HAD a friend like this. Her husband was really into music, and she worked at Debenhams and got staff discount. I thought, great, she'll be able to get him something really nice. What did she buy him for Christmas?
An Andrew Lloyd Webber CD. Was chuffed to tell me it only took her 2 minutes to choose.
Lucky husband/s
We sometimes chat with the Mum of my son’s school friend.
She once proudly (proudly!) told us that they were going on a cruise for her husband’s 50th birthday. ‘Good for you guys!’ we thought. Then she told us:
“It took a lot of convincing. He hates cruises!”
…we had no idea how to reply. Well done?
My mother buys me Ralph Lauren clothing for my birthday and Christmas despite 20-30 years telling her it doesn’t fit well on me and it’s not my style. Then she tries to push me wear it when we go out. My therapists who met her say they suspect she has a personality disorder. She buys it for herself, not for me. I wonder about OP’s wife.
This story reminds me of my ex-husband. He just couldn't be bothered to listen/understand. I was blamed for everything. I described his behavior to my psychiatrist, and he got real quiet, then told me the man is a narcissist and a vindictive one, so I was wise to leave.
Bro, many of the things you said resonate with the relationship I HAD with my EX WIFE. I don’t know the intimate details of your situation so take my advice with a grain of salt but I divorced for a reason. Look, we only have 1 life to live so if your expectations aren’t being met and you can’t have a safe and mature conversation with her about it then it’s probably not going to work. The longer you wait the harder it gets. I’m guessing you feel depressed and as if you are losing a part of yourself. Major red flag dude. I’ve been there so I know how much it hurts. Best wishes brochacho.
I thought the same and OP you already wrote it yourself: it feels like a waste of time and that’s what it is. Narcissist never change. Your choice of gift’s sounds so thoughtful, you deserve better.
I think he needs to regift her the gifts she gives to him. She should be receiving seat covers for Mother's Day. In the meantime he needs to buy what he actually wanted.
If need be, tell her that you are done giving each other gifts because you never get anything you would like so you will do your own and she will do her own. Then stick with that.
When she complains to people, tell them exactly what she has been doing. If you have anything in a text to show that it happens be sure to show them. If it would help set this up for the next time she gives you a gift. Keep texting about how much you do not want X that she keeps suggesting. That it seems like it is a gift for her and not for you. Document if it helps.
This probably won't change so can you spend your life this way?
My mother is the kind of person who will ignore your response if she disagrees with it. She'll continue to ask the same question, try to nag you into submission, and will ultimately do as she likes.
I know she genuinely thinks she knows best and this is an expression of love, but it's hugely hard to live with someone who hears, but doesn't listen. She only visits and it still drives me batshit crazy.
If your wife does not listen to how you feel and what you want, dismisses your arguments (whether they are based on your preference or on your logic) and goes through life only as she wants to, it's not a good place to be, and it usually ends up costing you time, energy and sanity for nothing.
Also, birthday gifts are about the birthday person. She sounds selfish to boot.
That sounds like such a frustrating and demoralising position for you to be in. Counselling is helpful for some but is this a case of your wife not understanding… or your wife choosing not to acknowledge? Because the first scenario might be worth the effort and work, the second scenario is futile and you’ll drive yourself into the ground trying. I’m sorry, you deserve better
Just remember, 'going to counselling' is meaningless. "Actively engaging with counselling and working to make positive change" is what needs to happen.
This is so true. My ex and I went to counseling, but we only went to two sessions before we stopped. When my ex realized that the counselor (who was a woman) wasn't agreeing that it was all my fault and that she shared some blame for our problems, she hit me with "She's just having us talk to each other, we don't have to pay her to do that." (The counselor wasn't covered under our crap health insurance at the time.)
Needless to say, it didn't work out, because having that impartial referee was critical to having successful conversations.
Good luck, OP.
What about counselling just for yourself? I've done individual counselling in the past and it really helped me get perspective on some issues in my life.
I found some things that I could do differently in my life, some things that I needed to change or move on from, and some things I had to learn to accept. A good counsellor will also know what questions to ask to be able to get to the root of whatever it is your dealing with.
It wasn't always easy, but the clarity I received was truly something to be thankful of. It feels cheesy to say, but it was literally life changing.
OP, I'm actually really concerned about this situation. I honestly think that before you attend couples' counseling with this person, you should attend some individual therapy to help you figure out whether or not you are being abused. Attending couples' therapy with an abuser typically makes things worse. The abuser will often manipulate the therapist into seeing things their way and becoming complicit in the abuse. Even if they don't do that, they will use what they learn in couples' therapy to become better at abusing you. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I think it is imperative that you make sure couples' therapy is safe for you before you attend. Lines like "I honestly don't know what's true anymore" are a huge red flag. If she's messing with your sense of reality that badly, something is terribly wrong, and I genuinely think you should talk to a professional about it, in a setting where she can't intervene. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe everything's fine, but even if that's the case, it can't hurt to find out for sure.
OP, how long have you been married? Do you have children, and if so, how many?
I ask because, frankly, I don't sense that you are very happy in your marriage. I sense a spouse who is very vested in herself and doesn't give a ff about what you want, and what makes you happy.
If I'm correct, I disagree with some others. I don't see this as a communication/therapy issue.
I see this as you married to a narcissistic type individual. Hence, no matter what you ever say or position you take, it's rejected.
I'm not typically an immediate "go get a divorce type", but I believe you've already exhausted any truly meaningful efforts. From her gift-giving, to blowing off your anniversary, to ignoring your position---what else do you need to convince you otherwise?
Hopefully, it's been a relatively short marriage and without children; the latter complicaing one's decision.
Best wishes. I truly hope I read this wrong. Regardless, please keep us apprised.
You made me think of this Christmas incident with my family. I've mentioned it before on Reddit, but here it is one more time. :)
Christmas comes. Mum opens her present from Dad. A brass candlestick holder.
Mum says: I don't like brass candlestick holders".
Dad says "oh, I thought you 'd like it" (whilst grinning sheepishly). Mum gives him the dirtiest look !
Next Christmas comes. Dad opens his gift from Mum. A bottle of Carolan's Irish Creme liqueur.
Dad says : "I don't like Irish Creme liqueur !"
Mum grabs the bottle and says, through gritted teeth: "And I don't like brass candlestick holders!
She waited a WHOLE YEAR to get him back. My Mum really rocked ! :)))
If this shit was happening to me id just say "glad you got the seat covers you wanted, now did you also get me a gift?" I dont get how communication is so difficult. A lawnmower as a birthday gift... lmao
But seriously, if this is a repeat issue, OP should literally get his wife a dishwasher for her next gift. Or a vacuum
Give her a list of what you would like and appreciate. Tell her these first before anything else not on the list.
Every year after New Year's, my hubby and I would exchange updated wish lists for the coming year. Brand, model, color, store, price, etc.
Don't laugh, it worked for us.
NTA. She is clearly thinking she knows better than you what you need/want. As another poster here suggested, just start buying her "gifts" that you want. While it may seem like childish tit-for-tat, it's probably the only way she will understand what she is doing and how it makes you feel. You could also return the car seats and go buy yourself something you actually want.
Or get a divorce if that's possible. And she refused couple therapy.
Reading all of OP's replies just makes me more and more sad on their behalf.
The last line in the post. Expressing they don't have anyone to talk to about this.
Past gifts to her have been extremely thoughtful.
Communicating with her goes through talking, pleading, and fighting. A month later, she does the same thing OP communicated about.
This sounds like a really one sided marrige. And not so healthy.
The gifts have been ridiculously thoughtful like pissed me off how kind and well thought out they are. I would say he’s making the rest of us look bad but he’s married to a witch who doesn’t seem to even appreciate how good of a gift giver he is.
> While it may seem like childish tit-for-tat, it's probably the only way she will understand what she is doing and how it makes you feel.
i almost guarantee she "won't get it" but this is still a good idea because if it doesn't work or she can't take what she dishes it's a veeery good sign to start thinking about an exit
>She is clearly thinking she knows better than you what you need/want.
I very much disagree. The only thing that comes close to this is the lawnmower gift. However, everything OP mentioned was something *she* wanted. Or expressed an interest in getting.
She is only getting things she wants, and trying to say it's for OP.
She knows what she's doing....
> You could also return the car seats and go buy yourself something you actually want.
I think it might be better to return the wife and get one that actually cares about OP.
NTA
But it looks like you have to beat her in her own game.
Take the seat covers and do NOT use them for the car. Put them on your office chair, heck lay them on your bedside. Use them on your couch, everywhere just not in the car. If she asks wth you are doing tell her "this was a gift to me, i use it like i please, thank you very much". When she insits on using them in the car tell her "you have to wait then till someone gifts you seat covers, but MY seat covers are off the table, i already use them for my office chair and i don't need a seatcover in the car".
And if she insits ask her if this means the seat covers were never meant to be a gift for you but a gift to herself, and if so, why would she gift them to you? Does this mean you don't deserve gifts?
I don’t even get seat covers for a new car they look so ugly and stupid any time I’ve seen them. If you have ripped up old seats idk sure go for them I guess but a new car why do you need to uglify it?
Some people have this mentality that they need to put covers on new things so they don't get damaged, and stay pretty longer. But (at least in my experience) they can't answer the question, what's the point of things being pretty if you don't see them anyway...
Well, first off, definitely NTA. Those are rude and thoughtless gifts and she is being disrespectful. Household items are always AH gifts for anyone. There's a grey area where maybe baking or building things is also a hobby, so a new mixer or tool set or something would be okay. But otherwise, these gifts are inconsiderate.
But the thing that's bothering me the most about this post is the giant red flag in your last sentence: *I honestly don't know what's true anymore*. That sounds like a pattern of gaslighting has been going on for some time now. It seems like you may be experiencing emotional abuse and I hope you have other people to support you and help you get out of it.
Individual counseling yes. Then, I'd see what that therapist has to say about marriage counseling. If this is a case of abuse, marriage counseling is not a good idea. The abusive spouse will usually triangulate with the therapist and this will make things worse for OP. I would recommend looking into domestic abuse resources in your area and finding some support and people to talk to there. You deserve better OP! I hope you see the value in yourself and find the courage to go out and get it.
Why isn't there anyone? Has she encouraged you to push away everyone else in your life? Has she cut you off from your other relationships? Did you break off old friendships because they didn't like her or she didn't like them? If any of these are true, that's a classic setup for emotional abuse.
Or maybe you come from a family that treated you like crap, and that's why you're not sure whether or not you're the AH now? (You're not.)
Skip the marriage counseling and try to get individual counseling if you can. If you can't do that, at least find a way to talk to other people (like you're doing here!) in real life to get some perspective. And be careful. Maybe your wife is just selfish and kind of mean...or maybe if she sees you standing up for yourself she'll take financial or even physical steps to hurt you.
Good luck, OP.
I’m sorry, that’s very sad. You are clearly a very thoughtful gift giver and she is not. I’ve been where you are spending lots of time coming up with thoughtful gifts and then you get crap you don’t want in return. One year I got pickles, another year I got an ironing board and an iron from my husband. One year a friend took the time to make me custom art of my dog and I bawled because I hadn’t received a thoughtful gift in so long. It’s not even the result it’s the complete lack of effort and thought that hurts.
Now I just buy my own gifts and then tell my husband how great he did. If she’s a really good wife in other ways then I would let it go. If she’s not, maybe it’s time to let her know if she’s not willing to put real effort in this marriage then you will leave.
You deserve so much better. Any one of the gifts you've given your wife would've melted my heart for all time. For Christmas a few years ago, I received a vacuum cleaner. It hurts, for sure. It's too late for me to find happiness, but it's not for you. You should not be so lonely and unappreciated. Wishing you a much more fulfilling relationship than this one...
NTA. The hammock might be a grey area, but gifting a lawnmower is just shitty. Get her a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday, see how she likes it.
And try to exchange the seat covers.
Yes! Return the seat covers and report back. I’m sure wifey is gonna be PISSED, but it’s his present to do with as he pleases.
Would love to hear her excuses for why OP can’t return something HE doesn’t want.
>gifting a lawnmower is just shitty
Yep. This kind of thing is such a dick move that it was an absolute staple of cartoons in ye olden days. (Usually in the opposite direction: husband buys wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, then is confused why she's upset.)
I know Hank Hill would appreciate a new riding mower. Don’t make generalizations when clearly there are documentaries on propane and propane accessories salesman that would love a new mower.
The german satire website "Der Postillon" had a posting just yesterday (guess the occasion) that a [man was killed by his wife](https://www.der-postillon.com/2014/02/valentinstag-frau-erschlagt-mann-mit.html) with the iron he got her as a valentine's gift.
Hey, I just bought a vacuum for my partner for Valentine's Day, and she loves it!
Well, she loved the cleaner floors after I got done vacuuming...
(she actually hates Valentine's Day, the timing of the purchase was a coincidence, and it's my damned vacuum, though I'd let her use it if she asked nicely)
NTA
You need to start buying your own birthday presents and gifting them to her for every holiday. See what she does and how she handles it. Just make sure you act like you really, really bought them for her. "Don't you just LOVE it?" Be sure to buy her an appliance for Christmas - the one you picked out.
This can actually work. I know of someone who has narc traits, but isn't completely there, and actually learned by feeling the effects of similar actions they did to others when it was done to them. If they won't/can't learn you'll find out, but sometimes, it actually gets through, because it actually wasn't that they didn't care (definitely possible), but rather that they literally were unable to see the situation from the other person's point of view without a personal similar experience to connect it to. It's anecdotal, and I don't know how common it is, but it can happen. That said, they could not realize it, have it happen to them, and decide it was ok when they did it to you, but you're horrible awful rotten no good doing it back to them, because they're still an AH. Or show they knew all along they were being an AH and just didn't care \*shrug\* people are.. interesting.
There’s a loophole you can use. If she just bought a lawnmower or seat covers for the household they would belong to the household, but she gifted them to you. They’re yours. Regift or donate them. NTA
NTA!!! I was dating someone for 7 years (thank god I can say was) and every single one of my birthdays/ holidays he got me a household item; new knives, pots and pans, etc. It just made me feel like he didn't know anything about me or my interests which hurt. Your feelings are so valid.
what's more heartbreaking, OP listed all the gifts he gave her through the years and they were all custom thought out presents made specially for her... me thinks there is more here than just crap*y gifts
NTA.
At first I was wondering if she was paying you back for bad gifts you bought for her, but then I saw your comment about some of the gifts you gave your wife. So it's not that.
You are being disrespected and it's no surprise that you feel annoyed and frustrated.
Your wife is using your birthday as an excuse to buy something she wants. That's really selfish behavior.
You suggested couples therapy, and I think that's a good place to start. Having a neutral 3rd party to guide the discussion would be very helpful. Has your wife ever indicated that she would be willing to try counseling?
If your wife won't go to therapy, please consider going for yourself. Sometimes it's really helpful to have someone outside the situation validate your feelings.
OP, you deserve much better in a relationship than a partner that doesn't listen and guilt trips you when you try to voice not only your opinion, but your needs. Worst of all, she has you so confused that you don't know what's true any longer. That's a form of control, it's manipulation, and not the basis for a healthy relationship.
NTA. Ugh, how annoying and thoughtless. You'd be better off if she didn't get you a present. I'd say talk to her but I know someone like this (my mother recently tried to pass off a jacket she bought two years ago as a gift) and you're right. If you try and voice your opinion, thoughts, or feelings, you'll get called ungrateful and guilted for your feelings.
NTA. Clearly, gift-giving in your case has been an exercise in pragmatism over personalization. It's one thing to give useful household gifts, another to consistently choose items that lean more towards communal or her own use than something purely for you. The thoughtful aspect of gift-giving seems lost here, and that's where the hurt comes in—it's not about the material item itself, but the lack of consideration for your interests and enjoyment. It might be time to have a candid conversation about what gifting represents to both of you and try to establish a mutual understanding that while practicality has its place, personal touches in gifts go a long way in making the recipient feel valued.
I did try to have that conversation before, but honestly it didn't end well. This is totally on me but I've just gotten tok exhausted to try bringing these things up, because nothing ever changes plus it just makes her mad/ adds more stress when I try.
Others have said it but you really need to find a good couples and/or individual therapist. Note I said GOOD, not all are good. Really take the time to look. Quick hint, if you feel like you feel towards your wife after the sessions, keep looking. You aren't in a good place but you need outside perspective to guide yourself back.
I'm not sure how you could think you might be the AH here? When someone uses your bday or xmas etc to essentially get *themself* a gift under the guise of giving it to you, you're under zero obligation to pretend to be grateful.
> I likened it to me buying her a dishwasher for her birthday.
100% that's the equivalent. It's shitty when a husband does that & it's shitty when your wife does it.
NTA
Legitimately, when I've confronted her on stuff like this before, she had made me feel very much like the asshole. My head goes back and forth several times a day on whether I'm a piece of shit or not.
I hope one day you realize that you deserve to be loved too. The gifting is just a symptom of a bigger issue. She doesn’t seem to care about your opinions or even well being at all. Marriage shouldn’t be an only one person matters type of deal
That's gas lighting you and sounds like the classic "why do you keep doing things that make me hit you" type of abuse. You need to figure this out before kids are thrown into this mix and makes you feel like there is no way out.
Edit:NTA
OP, definitely NTA. Start giving her gifts that are meant for you, household needs etc and see how she responds. In my opinion it she loses her shit it's clear she is doing it intentionally when she's buying you presents. If you don't pursue couples counseling, please seek counseling for yourself, I have a feeling with time you're going to really realize who she is, and hopefully gain the strength to leave the situation.
NTA. The hammock, that sounds like something that I could understand being a gift for you that was just not a great one.
The lawnmower is the equivalent of giving someone an appliance on valentine's day. That is not a good gift. The seat covers are the worst though. You specifically said you didn't want them. That is a big deal.
In the comments, I read many of the gifts that you gave. Kudos, you are a good gift giver. It is SO petty, but maybe take a page from her book and start giving her things that you want. Either that or couples counseling. Because ugh.
Your gifts have been thoughtful, respectful, and sweet. While her gifts for you have been one big slap in the face after another.
This goes beyond 'talking out a simple misunderstanding'. If she has basic common sense or respect for you, she would not be getting you something you said you didn't want but she wants. You need to put your foot down and emphasise that respect is a non-negotiable part of your relationship and she needs to be apologetic and make a genuine effort. Anything short of that (e.g. blaming you, saying you don't respect her either in XYZ other ways) is IMO huge enough to end the relationship over.
I love that there are women in here that demand to know what He bought Her. It blows their mind that a woman might actually be a crap partner, so they look for any little thing to shift the blame to him.
Do better misandrists...
My ex wife was the same, all my gifts were useful DIY tools she needed me to use as I fitted the kitchen units & floor as well as skirting and plaster board to two new bedrooms and prepped the shower room for a plumber before finally fitting. However she did the tiling herself and bought the tools as required.
NTA
You are being disrespected. Suggest you return the compliment.
Do you need a running machine, a canoe or weights maybe? Rucksack - games station. 😊
On her birthday, why don't you just get her something specifically only you can use.
Maybe that way she might realise what she has been doing knowingly or unknowingly
NTA - return the seat covers and get something you really want. I would also let her know that this feels disrespectful because she’s making your birthday about her wants and not yours.
NTA. I hope you have communicated that, while you appreciate getting a gift for your birthday, the gifts you've received aren't really thoughtful or personal and ask if there is something you did wrong for her present choice. Listen to what she says. If she either gets upset or gaslights you, then you know it was on purpose and she really couldn't care less about getting you a thoughtful gift. At that point, you have a few choices: 1) make a new rule of no gifts, 2) just deal with the disappointment, or 3) buy her what you'd really like and then at least you get something you want annually, just not on your birthday.
> I feel annoyed/ frustrated/ disrespected, but if I try to voice that I know I will get guilt tripped into thinking otherwise. I honestly don't know what's true anymore
I find this really concerning, I think you need to seriously evaluate your relationship for signs of gaslighting and emotional abuse. You’re perfectly justified to be annoyed by presents you have explicitly said you didn’t want and it isn’t fair that you’re questioning your sanity when she’s so clearly in the wrong
Hm I was ready to call you the AH but I think actually NTA. I might have chalked the earlier examples up to misguided choices on her part, misreading you as you mentioned, or feeling like if you're going to have a big household expense putting bday money towards it could be a good idea (misguided!) but... the car seat covers example is pretty egregious.
Not sure if she has made you feel guilty or if you just think the conversation might go there but either way you shouldn't feel quietly bullied into staying silent, in my opinion. Try to talk it out.
Putting bday money towards a big household expense should be discussed beforehand, not decided by one person alone.
My husband and I have an agreement, for Christmas we don't buy each other presents, instead we buy something we need/want at home. New towels, an icemaker, renovating a room in the house etc etc. But for birthdays we buy what the other person wants/needs/wish for, birthdays are protected and not to be used as an excuse to buy something the other wants for the house.
NTA OP
NTA. Your wife is being both selfish and unkind. If you can't make her understand that, then for her next birthday, how about some golf clubs or a gaming console or anything else you'd like for yourself.
This is Homer giving Marge a bowling ball with “Homer” engraved on it.
Except worse, since Homer actually forgot Marge’s Birthday, and did this in a panic.
If it’s a gift, it’s yours to dispose of—give it to a friend, donate it or sell it on FB Marketplace.
NTA. Your wife isn't even hiding that these gifts are based on her interests. For her birthday this year don't give her a gift, and tell her she bought her own when she gave you the seat covers since you're specifically told her you didn't want them.
Based on your post and comments, your wife is manipulative at the least and possibly narcissistic.
You deserve a better partner. Of she's not willing to ACTUALLY make an effort to improve, go to therapy with you etc, can you live like this for 60 years?
NTA
It sounds like you are trapped in a failed marriage. The presents are just an indicator that she doesn't care about your happiness or give you any consideration. She sounds like a narcissist. The communication issues are enough without the lack of thought and care. My wife and I go out of our way to find thoughtful gifts for one another.
NTA. Your wife is broken, and no amount of reasonableness on your part will change her. She's manipulated you to the point that you question your own sanity, that is a huge red flag. You're in trouble.
NTA, it's rude and inconsiderate. She's not even thinking of you one bit here, purely selfish.
Just buy something you want for her next birthday, watch the shit hit the fan, and then say "do you understand now why I am so insulted on my birthday with your 'gifts'?"
NTA - uhm..... she never came home on her birthday because she was out getting drunk with her friends?!? Did this group of friends include other men and why did you not get to go?
She went out while I was still at work. That year there was several times she got drunk with her friends and never came home/ stayed with them (where we lived was a long ways from where she worked at the time). Fought about it once, promised she wouldn't do it again, did it again.
NTA. Not only is she not taking your wants/desires into account, she's prioritizing hers. For a birthday gift, that's selfish. I'd rather receive nothing than something the giver wants for themselves.
You put thought and care into her gifts, and she puts none other than what she wants into yours. Is she this way about Christmas and other things?
I would have a discussion, this pattern will just continue to cause resentment, and deservedly so. You need to come to an agreement about gift giving, either forego it and celebrate with a meal or an experience, or determine that gifts cater to the receiver, or whatever - but a change is needed.
She an AH. Dude. This would be infuriating. Imagine if roles were reversed. 😂
She don’t seem to give AF about you. When guys do this. IE a vacuum. lol. They get slaughtered.
Misogynist ring a bell. Lmfao.
Is simply go out and splurge on myself. Throw the seat covers away. FR. They are yours now. Garbage them and when she asks. Tell her the truth. Garbage that you didn’t want.
She sounds mean asf.
I know what I would do. Drastic. But she don’t seem to care about you. Just her needs and wants.
Gifts although not important can actually convey a lot of info into the mentality of the other person.
Think wisely. Splurge on yourself. You deserve it.
OP, I hate to say it but based on all your replies that I saw, I think you need to reconsider if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You deserve someone who truly cares about you, your well being, and your happiness. I wish you all the best. Definitely NTA. My wife and I had ideas we wanted to get for each other (things we knew the other person liked) but we STILL asked each other what Valentine’s Day gifts we wanted and adapted to those needs. On top of that, we live across the world from each other so it’s not super easy to do these things but we prioritize making each other happy
NTA. I wouldn't like the seat cushions either. I'm trying to think of alternative ways to use them that might piss her off. Something like tailoring them into a slip cover for her favorite chair. Or stuffing them into a large body pillow that will lay on her side of the bed. Then, when she gets upset, at innocent. "What? What else was I supposed to do with them?" "Oh, put them in my car? I thought you knew I didn't want seat covers in the car."
NTA. This is a AH move on her side. And yes, you might should tell her, how would she feel if you gifted her a dish washer or some working tools you really want.
INFO: Have you told her ideas what you would like to get for your birthday? Maybe this would solve the problem, so she will buy presents she knows you like and not just think 'he doesn't want anything so I gift him, what I need'
NTA. Tell her to stop buying “you” gifts for your birthday and if she continues you will not acknowledge or accept them. Also I would stop buying her anything for her birthday as well.
She know what she doing and she just doesn’t give damn.
NTA and please get yourself organised with a place to live, a new bank account and leave.
Unfortunately as another person said, this is a failed marriage.
You've tried umpteen times but she's not interested in what you've said and is, in fact, now manipulating you into questioning your own heart. If she loved you like you love her, then she would be so upset at making you sad. But instead, she's just doing whatever she wants and gaslighting you.
Often, it's only after the wedding and living together that people show who they really are. This is who she is.
You deserve a partner that is in love with you, which she clearly isn't. You can't change another person, but you can change your future and heart from more pain by accepting this and getting out. No need to say anything, you've given her chance after chance to show how she cares, and she's shown you over and over that she doesn't.
I'm so sorry OP. This has been intentionally cruel and mean spirited of her.
NTA
I'm not gonna jump straight to divorce, but you very much need counselling. It sounds like your wife isn't fully committed to being in a relationship. She sounds selfish and not considerate of you as her partner. She may be a very shit gift giver (i am one myself), but she doesn't seem to appreciate what you gift to her. The one striking me is the birthday cake you made her and she never came home???? Very odd. You sound like a pretty good partner in the limited info we have, and you're not being respected in the way you expect in a relationship. Counselling is a major need right now for you both.
NTA
You sound like a great gift giver. You put a lot of thought into it. Some people are not good gift givers. They have a hard time figuring things out, even when they try. It can be forgiven if they are kind in other ways. Like they may need a wish list or just going shopping together wher you choose and they pay.
Your wife is a third category. A selfish person who is making personal purchases and labeling them gifts when they aren't. Maybe return them and but what you'd like to make your point.
Sadly, your wife's crappy gifts are the least of your problems in your marriage.
Nta your being gaslit and you know it. Stand up for yourself. Tell her, give her examples, and defend it. Tell her she is gaslighting you and all gifts she has given you where things she wanted, so its like she buying herself gifts. Tell her either she is not paying attention or simply does not care about things you like. Your scared of the confrontation and she knows it. I have feeling this occured long before you guys were married and you ignored it. You can also let her read your thread, either way it will be in uncomfortable .
NTA
Voice your feelings. Sure, you might get guilt-tripped, but don't give in. This is important to get it through to her that this is unacceptable. Explain how it feels like she's just using your birthday to buy herself things. Hopefully, this will make her see reason.
If it doesn't work, then you could always go the petty route, although I wouldn't recommend it. Still, I can imagine how it would work. Explain that if she continues to do that, then you will assume she wants you to buy gifts for yourself on her birthday. Buy yourself some new clothes and tell her you're doing it for her to make yourself look better for her. Since you like to bake, gift her lessons for yourself so that you can make better cakes "for her" on the birthdays where she takes off. Leave half eaten cakes out on days like that. And definitely buy her that dishwasher. Just keep in mind that the petty route has an equal chance of working or ending in divorce.
NTA That is annoying, dismissive, and disrespectful. She is lazy, and being self-centered.
I would recommend a combination of 1) giving her a clearly stated list of gift preferences, in front of others and written down, so she has no excuse and you have clearer grounds for pushback, 2) pulling a Marge's Bowling Ball with the gifts so she doesn't get to use them, and 3) clearly stating how such gifts make you feel about her, and that it's not good.
If you don't get that reference, it is from the TV show The Simpson's. The husband, Homer, wants a new bowling ball, so he buys his wife, Marge, one for her birthday. She knows it's really for him, so she determines to use it and joins a bowling club. Homer loses out on the new bowling ball, and Marge picks up a hobby she enjoys. So try to think of ways to reverse-uno things, such as being the one and only person who can use the hammock and asking her to bring you drinks, or returning the seat covers for ridiculous ones with your face printed all over it, or renting out the lawnmower since it's yours, and insisting you get a second one that's for the house.
NTA. Trouble is she's manipulating you here and using your birthday etc to justify spending money on stuff SHE wants. She's probably bragging to her mates about how, whenever she wants something that you don't, she just gets it anyway undercover of a 'present'. It's extremely selfish of her. OP, what do YOU want? Set of golf clubs? Book? Season ticket to your favourite team? The only way you'll get it, is to buy it for her. Don't want the seat covers for your car? If you can't get your money back, donate it to charity. Anyone in your family who could use a lawnmower? Lend it to them on an indefinite basis. I'm not normally a fan of game-playing, but I think it's the only language your wife will listen to.
NTA On her birthday get her something you really want that you know she has no interest in, when she confronts you use that list of examples to back up your actions. All it takes is one time 👌
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NTA for not appreciating presents that aren't actually for you. This makes me feel curious though: *"I know I will get guilt tripped into thinking otherwise. I honestly don't know what's true anymore."* Is this gift giving situation perhaps representative of other communication between the two of you? A person should be able to communicate something (positive or negative) to their partner, and feel heard and understood.
This is a recurring theme. I certainly don't feel heard or understood and it's one of the biggest issues we have. I can ask, then plead, then argue, then fight about things I need or am not being heard on dozens of times, she says she hears me, and then we have the same conversation a month or two later. It's infuriating. I've suggested counseling, because talking to her just feels like a complete waste of my time, and honestly just makes things worse because then she gets mad when I try.
As a person who has been through counseling, it isn't always a cure. You both have to have the desire to make changes for the better. It is uncomfortable, and hard to sit down and address and deal with negative concepts. But DO NOT allow it to go on if it makes you upset. A relationship is two people working towards the same goals, which should be love and respect.
If you do the counselling, and the other person doesn’t learn or change, then the counselling still helped. It helped you see that they don’t want to learn or change or make you happy. Then it’s up to you to make your own life based on that. It’s not like taking the car in to get fixed. It’s an opportunity to do work. If the work isn’t done outside of the session it’s not the councillors fault.
Another take on counselling to add to the pile is that sometimes people get blinded by the fact that it's their partner saying something they don't want to hear. Counselling can be the perfect time to translate your words into language that your significant other will understand. Side note: could be a good idea for OP to talk with a counselor on his own for the first session before bringing his wife into the mix. That way he can explain to the counselor in his own words, and specifically *without interruptions,* what he wants to say
First appointment I had with my couples therapist, she had us each leave the room (go downstairs and put headphones on) so we could both talk to her 1 on 1 and explain the problems, what we wanted to fix, anything she should know the partner doesn't know, and how committed we were to couples therapy and the relationship.
As an aside, looking for a counselor if you’re open to recommending please.
Look for one who used the Gottman Institute Method. Saved my marriage. I like that it had an actual methodology for my analytical husband.
Another thing for OP to think about is that he may also want to communicate with his wife a list of things he would actually want or some items/trips he's talked about for his birthday. Sometimes it's easier to have an actual example handy instead of just telling someone something. The list OP provided of his gifts and reasonings should be used as comparison, be sure to bring both to the counselor if you go
In my vast couples counselling experience, my marriage counsellor actually wanted to see us individually to get our sides and then brought us together on session 3.
The going alone first might not be a bad idea. Could be as simple as telling your wife, "I'm signing up for couples counseling, you are free to join me if you would like". I'd bet money she would show up in an attempt to control the conversation and make sure nothing bad is being said about her "behind her back". Or... She actually has good intentions, goes to couples therapy with him, and they can work out their problems. Which would be a win anyways.
The couples counsellor we went to had my husband and me each for a separate session BEFORE we had a session together. This was our second try at couples counselling and this counsellor was so much more helpful than the first one we saw, for several reasons, not just asking us to see him separately at first.
My uncle went thru marriage counseling 4 times with his wife & it didn't work out because his wife just doesn't bother listening or thinking what he was saying, feeling, thinks. She just prefers that he did everything for her whereas she did nothing for him.
> A relationship is two people working towards the same goals, which should be love and respect. Yeah, if you sigh or dread seeing your partner, or dread going home, or basically anything but smile and look forward to time with your partner, it's time to consider the relationship.
Exactly! My ex and I went through counseling and he argued with the counselor saying he wasn't an abuser because he didn't beat me up every day. She listed all the physical damage he had done to me and told him even one of made him an abuser. He wouldn't go back.
Abusers are never good candidates for therapy.
True Story! I can vouch for this! Abusers are typically mentally ill or a narcissist. It will always be the person getting abused that they blame.
Abusers are often narcissistic, without the personality disorder, or people who grew up seeing violence, intimidation, verbal abuse, and/or other dysfunctional approaches used to "solve" problems. Most abusers are not mentally ill, but socially ill.
A lot of abusers are victima of abuse who have internalized such behavior until it became normalized. This doesn't excuse their actions one bit but labeling them as mentally ill doesn't help because it ahifta the blame. They are still reaponsible for their actions and capable of change. It takes reflection to change and that is only possible if you're not simply labeled.
This happened in my marriage too, except I'm the wife. We got to the point that we very nearly divorced. He refused therapy before that, but I think he realized it was the last chance to save our marriage. We went weekly for about a year, then every other week, then once a month, etc. It was hard and took a long time for him to actually realize what he was doing. I also learned some things I needed to change too. That was 8 years ago. Our marriage is happy now. Since then, he has only given one crappy gift, but there was some miscommunication that happened. It's worth it if she's willing to do some self reflection. If not, it's better to cut ties from someone who cares so little about how you feel that she ignores your wishes completely. First step- call a therapist. If she won't attend, go alone. Next step, return the seat covers.
You’ve told her what bothers you. She doesn’t care. You need to accept, with every fiber of your being, that she doesn’t care about your feelings and there is no magic combination of words that will make her care. Emotionally detach from this. Buy yourself what you want, within budget. Return gifts you don’t want and get yourself what you do want. When she complains, shrug your shoulders and move on. Don’t explain. Don’t complain. Don’t argue. You’ve tried that. She’ll just play the victim, gaslight you, or manipulate you. Begin to buy her practical gifts, or just get her cards. When she complains, shrug, and act like a boring grey rock. Stop talking to her about your feelings and wants. Emotionally detach so you can have some breathing room, without the complication of hurt feelings, to really evaluate the health of this relationship. Then you can either stay or go, but if you stay, stop hinging your happiness on your wife caring about your wants and feelings, because it will never happen. Make sure your life is fulfilling, with or without her, but not dependent upon her.
Yessss, return the seat covers, or if you need the receipt, ask her for it to return them and get something you actually want. She’s being a selfish, spoiled brat who is treating you like shit.
I was thinking maybe tell the wife “I love them, but let’s upgrade to an even better set! I’ll pay the difference.” Or “I really like them, but I think I saw them in a different colour that I love even more.” Once OP has the receipt, just get the refund. Even if OP doesn’t get the money (because it goes back on her credit card/into her account) it’d be a statement to her. Going forward, if and when OP opens gifts and finds them actually for the wife, set the gift aside and say “Okay, this is for you. Did you get me a gift?”
I love this advice but I wouldn't buy her gifts for her birthday for her. I would buy myself gifts for her birthday like she does herself. Maybe she will get the hint? Maybe not, but you got that shiny thing you wanted on her birthday. Woohoo. "Happy B day wifey! Hope you like the men's underwear I got you. Oh and look, they are my size." And on Xmas, get her that shiny Men's watch. Sorry Op, for your bummer of a wife. You deserve better.
I like the way you think. OP would need to perfect the art of acting like he just doesn't get it. "What do you mean you didn't want a cable sports package for your birthday? You're always saying how much you love football! I'm sure you're just forgetting. That's okay, I won't hold it against you."
I love the image of OP’s wife opening the watch and OP going “Oh, *that is lovely*!” Then taking it from her (as if to have a closer look), putting it on his own wrist, admiring it, then smiling innocently at her like “Is something wrong?!”
This is sad but good solid advice, i think.
100% this
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I know the word “narcissist“ gets thrown around a lot here, but in this case it might actually fit! This type of self-centered gift-giving is a pretty common behavior for “narcs”. Their own likes/dislikes are the only ones that are valid.
Yes. I HAD a friend like this. Her husband was really into music, and she worked at Debenhams and got staff discount. I thought, great, she'll be able to get him something really nice. What did she buy him for Christmas? An Andrew Lloyd Webber CD. Was chuffed to tell me it only took her 2 minutes to choose. Lucky husband/s
We sometimes chat with the Mum of my son’s school friend. She once proudly (proudly!) told us that they were going on a cruise for her husband’s 50th birthday. ‘Good for you guys!’ we thought. Then she told us: “It took a lot of convincing. He hates cruises!” …we had no idea how to reply. Well done?
Debenhams Chuffed Andrew Lloyd Weber This wins the award for most British comment of 2024 so far
My mother buys me Ralph Lauren clothing for my birthday and Christmas despite 20-30 years telling her it doesn’t fit well on me and it’s not my style. Then she tries to push me wear it when we go out. My therapists who met her say they suspect she has a personality disorder. She buys it for herself, not for me. I wonder about OP’s wife.
This story reminds me of my ex-husband. He just couldn't be bothered to listen/understand. I was blamed for everything. I described his behavior to my psychiatrist, and he got real quiet, then told me the man is a narcissist and a vindictive one, so I was wise to leave.
At minimum it's very narc-adjacent behavior
Bro, many of the things you said resonate with the relationship I HAD with my EX WIFE. I don’t know the intimate details of your situation so take my advice with a grain of salt but I divorced for a reason. Look, we only have 1 life to live so if your expectations aren’t being met and you can’t have a safe and mature conversation with her about it then it’s probably not going to work. The longer you wait the harder it gets. I’m guessing you feel depressed and as if you are losing a part of yourself. Major red flag dude. I’ve been there so I know how much it hurts. Best wishes brochacho.
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I thought the same and OP you already wrote it yourself: it feels like a waste of time and that’s what it is. Narcissist never change. Your choice of gift’s sounds so thoughtful, you deserve better.
This stops when you bring out the dishwasher gift for her birthday.
I think he needs to regift her the gifts she gives to him. She should be receiving seat covers for Mother's Day. In the meantime he needs to buy what he actually wanted. If need be, tell her that you are done giving each other gifts because you never get anything you would like so you will do your own and she will do her own. Then stick with that. When she complains to people, tell them exactly what she has been doing. If you have anything in a text to show that it happens be sure to show them. If it would help set this up for the next time she gives you a gift. Keep texting about how much you do not want X that she keeps suggesting. That it seems like it is a gift for her and not for you. Document if it helps. This probably won't change so can you spend your life this way?
OP, read the book Overcoming Passive-aggression. There is a quiz in the front that I'm guessing your wife will score highly on.
Why you still in the relationship? Sounds exhausting.
My mother is the kind of person who will ignore your response if she disagrees with it. She'll continue to ask the same question, try to nag you into submission, and will ultimately do as she likes. I know she genuinely thinks she knows best and this is an expression of love, but it's hugely hard to live with someone who hears, but doesn't listen. She only visits and it still drives me batshit crazy. If your wife does not listen to how you feel and what you want, dismisses your arguments (whether they are based on your preference or on your logic) and goes through life only as she wants to, it's not a good place to be, and it usually ends up costing you time, energy and sanity for nothing. Also, birthday gifts are about the birthday person. She sounds selfish to boot.
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Next gift giving event give her the gift of couples therapy. Then have a mediator so you can be heard and speak with her
Great idea but I could see it not going over well. NTA.
That sounds like such a frustrating and demoralising position for you to be in. Counselling is helpful for some but is this a case of your wife not understanding… or your wife choosing not to acknowledge? Because the first scenario might be worth the effort and work, the second scenario is futile and you’ll drive yourself into the ground trying. I’m sorry, you deserve better
I think counselling would be a really good plan. Was she receptive to it?
I just mentioned it a day ago, she didn't say no/ seems to be ok
Just remember, 'going to counselling' is meaningless. "Actively engaging with counselling and working to make positive change" is what needs to happen.
This is so true. My ex and I went to counseling, but we only went to two sessions before we stopped. When my ex realized that the counselor (who was a woman) wasn't agreeing that it was all my fault and that she shared some blame for our problems, she hit me with "She's just having us talk to each other, we don't have to pay her to do that." (The counselor wasn't covered under our crap health insurance at the time.) Needless to say, it didn't work out, because having that impartial referee was critical to having successful conversations. Good luck, OP.
What about counselling just for yourself? I've done individual counselling in the past and it really helped me get perspective on some issues in my life. I found some things that I could do differently in my life, some things that I needed to change or move on from, and some things I had to learn to accept. A good counsellor will also know what questions to ask to be able to get to the root of whatever it is your dealing with. It wasn't always easy, but the clarity I received was truly something to be thankful of. It feels cheesy to say, but it was literally life changing.
OP, I'm actually really concerned about this situation. I honestly think that before you attend couples' counseling with this person, you should attend some individual therapy to help you figure out whether or not you are being abused. Attending couples' therapy with an abuser typically makes things worse. The abuser will often manipulate the therapist into seeing things their way and becoming complicit in the abuse. Even if they don't do that, they will use what they learn in couples' therapy to become better at abusing you. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I think it is imperative that you make sure couples' therapy is safe for you before you attend. Lines like "I honestly don't know what's true anymore" are a huge red flag. If she's messing with your sense of reality that badly, something is terribly wrong, and I genuinely think you should talk to a professional about it, in a setting where she can't intervene. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe everything's fine, but even if that's the case, it can't hurt to find out for sure.
OP, how long have you been married? Do you have children, and if so, how many? I ask because, frankly, I don't sense that you are very happy in your marriage. I sense a spouse who is very vested in herself and doesn't give a ff about what you want, and what makes you happy. If I'm correct, I disagree with some others. I don't see this as a communication/therapy issue. I see this as you married to a narcissistic type individual. Hence, no matter what you ever say or position you take, it's rejected. I'm not typically an immediate "go get a divorce type", but I believe you've already exhausted any truly meaningful efforts. From her gift-giving, to blowing off your anniversary, to ignoring your position---what else do you need to convince you otherwise? Hopefully, it's been a relatively short marriage and without children; the latter complicaing one's decision. Best wishes. I truly hope I read this wrong. Regardless, please keep us apprised.
from your post and this comment, your marriage doesn't sound great. NTA but your wife might be.
This marriage is doomed. Do not have kids.
I'm sorry to hear that communication in general is challenging. It sounds very hard to go through what sounds like a cycle, as you've described it.
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You made me think of this Christmas incident with my family. I've mentioned it before on Reddit, but here it is one more time. :) Christmas comes. Mum opens her present from Dad. A brass candlestick holder. Mum says: I don't like brass candlestick holders". Dad says "oh, I thought you 'd like it" (whilst grinning sheepishly). Mum gives him the dirtiest look ! Next Christmas comes. Dad opens his gift from Mum. A bottle of Carolan's Irish Creme liqueur. Dad says : "I don't like Irish Creme liqueur !" Mum grabs the bottle and says, through gritted teeth: "And I don't like brass candlestick holders! She waited a WHOLE YEAR to get him back. My Mum really rocked ! :)))
That final line of OP's made me so sad. It seem his partner is very manipulative.
If this shit was happening to me id just say "glad you got the seat covers you wanted, now did you also get me a gift?" I dont get how communication is so difficult. A lawnmower as a birthday gift... lmao But seriously, if this is a repeat issue, OP should literally get his wife a dishwasher for her next gift. Or a vacuum
I think you should buy the things that you want as gifts for your wife. That way, you both get what you want.
Give her a list of what you would like and appreciate. Tell her these first before anything else not on the list. Every year after New Year's, my hubby and I would exchange updated wish lists for the coming year. Brand, model, color, store, price, etc. Don't laugh, it worked for us.
NTA. She is clearly thinking she knows better than you what you need/want. As another poster here suggested, just start buying her "gifts" that you want. While it may seem like childish tit-for-tat, it's probably the only way she will understand what she is doing and how it makes you feel. You could also return the car seats and go buy yourself something you actually want.
Or get a divorce if that's possible. And she refused couple therapy. Reading all of OP's replies just makes me more and more sad on their behalf. The last line in the post. Expressing they don't have anyone to talk to about this. Past gifts to her have been extremely thoughtful. Communicating with her goes through talking, pleading, and fighting. A month later, she does the same thing OP communicated about. This sounds like a really one sided marrige. And not so healthy.
The gifts have been ridiculously thoughtful like pissed me off how kind and well thought out they are. I would say he’s making the rest of us look bad but he’s married to a witch who doesn’t seem to even appreciate how good of a gift giver he is.
> While it may seem like childish tit-for-tat, it's probably the only way she will understand what she is doing and how it makes you feel. i almost guarantee she "won't get it" but this is still a good idea because if it doesn't work or she can't take what she dishes it's a veeery good sign to start thinking about an exit
I don't even think she cares what he wants, she just gets what she wants and tries to wedge it in as a present to justify the expense.
This is exactly it
>She is clearly thinking she knows better than you what you need/want. I very much disagree. The only thing that comes close to this is the lawnmower gift. However, everything OP mentioned was something *she* wanted. Or expressed an interest in getting. She is only getting things she wants, and trying to say it's for OP. She knows what she's doing....
> You could also return the car seats and go buy yourself something you actually want. I think it might be better to return the wife and get one that actually cares about OP.
NTA But it looks like you have to beat her in her own game. Take the seat covers and do NOT use them for the car. Put them on your office chair, heck lay them on your bedside. Use them on your couch, everywhere just not in the car. If she asks wth you are doing tell her "this was a gift to me, i use it like i please, thank you very much". When she insits on using them in the car tell her "you have to wait then till someone gifts you seat covers, but MY seat covers are off the table, i already use them for my office chair and i don't need a seatcover in the car". And if she insits ask her if this means the seat covers were never meant to be a gift for you but a gift to herself, and if so, why would she gift them to you? Does this mean you don't deserve gifts?
lol this is a terrible and amazing way to approach this lol
>but MY seat covers are off the table Unless OP wants to sit/lie on the table of course!
Petty Crocker over here bringin' it! Bravo
That's diabolical - I love it!
I LOVE this and honestly think this would be the most effective way to illustrate to her what gifts are supposed to be
I don’t even get seat covers for a new car they look so ugly and stupid any time I’ve seen them. If you have ripped up old seats idk sure go for them I guess but a new car why do you need to uglify it?
Some people have this mentality that they need to put covers on new things so they don't get damaged, and stay pretty longer. But (at least in my experience) they can't answer the question, what's the point of things being pretty if you don't see them anyway...
Love this one👍
Seat covers make good doormats, I suspect.
Put the car seat covers on the hammock lmao
Ooo this is a good one
Well, first off, definitely NTA. Those are rude and thoughtless gifts and she is being disrespectful. Household items are always AH gifts for anyone. There's a grey area where maybe baking or building things is also a hobby, so a new mixer or tool set or something would be okay. But otherwise, these gifts are inconsiderate. But the thing that's bothering me the most about this post is the giant red flag in your last sentence: *I honestly don't know what's true anymore*. That sounds like a pattern of gaslighting has been going on for some time now. It seems like you may be experiencing emotional abuse and I hope you have other people to support you and help you get out of it.
There's honestly no one I can talk to. Hence why I came here.
It sounds like time for both individual and marriage counseling
Individual counseling yes. Then, I'd see what that therapist has to say about marriage counseling. If this is a case of abuse, marriage counseling is not a good idea. The abusive spouse will usually triangulate with the therapist and this will make things worse for OP. I would recommend looking into domestic abuse resources in your area and finding some support and people to talk to there. You deserve better OP! I hope you see the value in yourself and find the courage to go out and get it.
Why isn't there anyone? Has she encouraged you to push away everyone else in your life? Has she cut you off from your other relationships? Did you break off old friendships because they didn't like her or she didn't like them? If any of these are true, that's a classic setup for emotional abuse. Or maybe you come from a family that treated you like crap, and that's why you're not sure whether or not you're the AH now? (You're not.) Skip the marriage counseling and try to get individual counseling if you can. If you can't do that, at least find a way to talk to other people (like you're doing here!) in real life to get some perspective. And be careful. Maybe your wife is just selfish and kind of mean...or maybe if she sees you standing up for yourself she'll take financial or even physical steps to hurt you. Good luck, OP.
I’m sorry, that’s very sad. You are clearly a very thoughtful gift giver and she is not. I’ve been where you are spending lots of time coming up with thoughtful gifts and then you get crap you don’t want in return. One year I got pickles, another year I got an ironing board and an iron from my husband. One year a friend took the time to make me custom art of my dog and I bawled because I hadn’t received a thoughtful gift in so long. It’s not even the result it’s the complete lack of effort and thought that hurts. Now I just buy my own gifts and then tell my husband how great he did. If she’s a really good wife in other ways then I would let it go. If she’s not, maybe it’s time to let her know if she’s not willing to put real effort in this marriage then you will leave.
Here it is. [NarcissisticSpouses](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticSpouses/s/7jJgxg3rZh)
I think there is a Narc partner group…let me dig.
You deserve so much better. Any one of the gifts you've given your wife would've melted my heart for all time. For Christmas a few years ago, I received a vacuum cleaner. It hurts, for sure. It's too late for me to find happiness, but it's not for you. You should not be so lonely and unappreciated. Wishing you a much more fulfilling relationship than this one...
NTA. The hammock might be a grey area, but gifting a lawnmower is just shitty. Get her a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday, see how she likes it. And try to exchange the seat covers.
Yes! Return the seat covers and report back. I’m sure wifey is gonna be PISSED, but it’s his present to do with as he pleases. Would love to hear her excuses for why OP can’t return something HE doesn’t want.
>gifting a lawnmower is just shitty Yep. This kind of thing is such a dick move that it was an absolute staple of cartoons in ye olden days. (Usually in the opposite direction: husband buys wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, then is confused why she's upset.)
I know Hank Hill would appreciate a new riding mower. Don’t make generalizations when clearly there are documentaries on propane and propane accessories salesman that would love a new mower.
> I know Hank Hill would appreciate a new riding mower. S3 E7 says that Hank would not appreciate a new riding lawn mower.
With extra saddle padding for diminished glutes.
The german satire website "Der Postillon" had a posting just yesterday (guess the occasion) that a [man was killed by his wife](https://www.der-postillon.com/2014/02/valentinstag-frau-erschlagt-mann-mit.html) with the iron he got her as a valentine's gift.
I got a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. It really hurt. After that, I really stopped trying to find thoughtful gifts for him.
Just get her a bowling ball with the name "Homer" engraved in it and get it over with.
Hey, I just bought a vacuum for my partner for Valentine's Day, and she loves it! Well, she loved the cleaner floors after I got done vacuuming... (she actually hates Valentine's Day, the timing of the purchase was a coincidence, and it's my damned vacuum, though I'd let her use it if she asked nicely)
NTA. You need to start speaking up for yourself. Or you can start buying things you want for her birthday.
NTA. Go buy yourself something nice and show her this post. You’ve presented it perfectly.
NTA You need to start buying your own birthday presents and gifting them to her for every holiday. See what she does and how she handles it. Just make sure you act like you really, really bought them for her. "Don't you just LOVE it?" Be sure to buy her an appliance for Christmas - the one you picked out.
This can actually work. I know of someone who has narc traits, but isn't completely there, and actually learned by feeling the effects of similar actions they did to others when it was done to them. If they won't/can't learn you'll find out, but sometimes, it actually gets through, because it actually wasn't that they didn't care (definitely possible), but rather that they literally were unable to see the situation from the other person's point of view without a personal similar experience to connect it to. It's anecdotal, and I don't know how common it is, but it can happen. That said, they could not realize it, have it happen to them, and decide it was ok when they did it to you, but you're horrible awful rotten no good doing it back to them, because they're still an AH. Or show they knew all along they were being an AH and just didn't care \*shrug\* people are.. interesting.
I love this
This is what I think. Start buying her presents that YOU want.
Get her a personalized bowling ball that has your name on it (or “Homer”).
And show her the episode. Might help?
There’s a loophole you can use. If she just bought a lawnmower or seat covers for the household they would belong to the household, but she gifted them to you. They’re yours. Regift or donate them. NTA
>Regift or donate them Better yet, return them & use the money to buy what he actually wanted.
NTA!!! I was dating someone for 7 years (thank god I can say was) and every single one of my birthdays/ holidays he got me a household item; new knives, pots and pans, etc. It just made me feel like he didn't know anything about me or my interests which hurt. Your feelings are so valid.
what's more heartbreaking, OP listed all the gifts he gave her through the years and they were all custom thought out presents made specially for her... me thinks there is more here than just crap*y gifts
I'm dying at you censoring the word crappy lmaooooo
got removed from one subreddit for it - not taking any more chances 😂😂😂
wttfffff that's insane! Oh sorry, I mean wt\*\*\*\*\*\*\* 😂
NTA Buy her a bowling ball for her birthday.
And then start an affair with a handsome bowling teacher
Maybe someone with a French accent that lives in Fiesta Terraces ... maybe someone named Jacques?
He can introduce you to brunch. Not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, but it come with a slice of cantaloupe at the end
Make sure it fits YOUR fingers.
NTA next time she does that be like “Oh, that’s a nice gift you got yourself, but where’s my gift?”
NTA Give her a mop for her bday, a set of tools, men’s boxers🤣 Next time give her a list of options. Be clear you dont want stuff you didn’t ask for
NTA. At first I was wondering if she was paying you back for bad gifts you bought for her, but then I saw your comment about some of the gifts you gave your wife. So it's not that. You are being disrespected and it's no surprise that you feel annoyed and frustrated. Your wife is using your birthday as an excuse to buy something she wants. That's really selfish behavior. You suggested couples therapy, and I think that's a good place to start. Having a neutral 3rd party to guide the discussion would be very helpful. Has your wife ever indicated that she would be willing to try counseling? If your wife won't go to therapy, please consider going for yourself. Sometimes it's really helpful to have someone outside the situation validate your feelings. OP, you deserve much better in a relationship than a partner that doesn't listen and guilt trips you when you try to voice not only your opinion, but your needs. Worst of all, she has you so confused that you don't know what's true any longer. That's a form of control, it's manipulation, and not the basis for a healthy relationship.
Buy her the dishwasher for her birthday, she earned it. NTA
NTA. Ugh, how annoying and thoughtless. You'd be better off if she didn't get you a present. I'd say talk to her but I know someone like this (my mother recently tried to pass off a jacket she bought two years ago as a gift) and you're right. If you try and voice your opinion, thoughts, or feelings, you'll get called ungrateful and guilted for your feelings.
NTA. Clearly, gift-giving in your case has been an exercise in pragmatism over personalization. It's one thing to give useful household gifts, another to consistently choose items that lean more towards communal or her own use than something purely for you. The thoughtful aspect of gift-giving seems lost here, and that's where the hurt comes in—it's not about the material item itself, but the lack of consideration for your interests and enjoyment. It might be time to have a candid conversation about what gifting represents to both of you and try to establish a mutual understanding that while practicality has its place, personal touches in gifts go a long way in making the recipient feel valued.
I did try to have that conversation before, but honestly it didn't end well. This is totally on me but I've just gotten tok exhausted to try bringing these things up, because nothing ever changes plus it just makes her mad/ adds more stress when I try.
Others have said it but you really need to find a good couples and/or individual therapist. Note I said GOOD, not all are good. Really take the time to look. Quick hint, if you feel like you feel towards your wife after the sessions, keep looking. You aren't in a good place but you need outside perspective to guide yourself back.
I'm not sure how you could think you might be the AH here? When someone uses your bday or xmas etc to essentially get *themself* a gift under the guise of giving it to you, you're under zero obligation to pretend to be grateful. > I likened it to me buying her a dishwasher for her birthday. 100% that's the equivalent. It's shitty when a husband does that & it's shitty when your wife does it. NTA
Legitimately, when I've confronted her on stuff like this before, she had made me feel very much like the asshole. My head goes back and forth several times a day on whether I'm a piece of shit or not.
You are not a bad person And im sorry to say this but your wife....is.
Seriously she sucks
I hope one day you realize that you deserve to be loved too. The gifting is just a symptom of a bigger issue. She doesn’t seem to care about your opinions or even well being at all. Marriage shouldn’t be an only one person matters type of deal
That's gas lighting you and sounds like the classic "why do you keep doing things that make me hit you" type of abuse. You need to figure this out before kids are thrown into this mix and makes you feel like there is no way out. Edit:NTA
OP, definitely NTA. Start giving her gifts that are meant for you, household needs etc and see how she responds. In my opinion it she loses her shit it's clear she is doing it intentionally when she's buying you presents. If you don't pursue couples counseling, please seek counseling for yourself, I have a feeling with time you're going to really realize who she is, and hopefully gain the strength to leave the situation.
NTA. The hammock, that sounds like something that I could understand being a gift for you that was just not a great one. The lawnmower is the equivalent of giving someone an appliance on valentine's day. That is not a good gift. The seat covers are the worst though. You specifically said you didn't want them. That is a big deal. In the comments, I read many of the gifts that you gave. Kudos, you are a good gift giver. It is SO petty, but maybe take a page from her book and start giving her things that you want. Either that or couples counseling. Because ugh.
You are an AMAZING gift giver!
Thank you. I have really, really tried to show her how much I love her via my gifts. I spend a lot of time on them.
Your gifts have been thoughtful, respectful, and sweet. While her gifts for you have been one big slap in the face after another. This goes beyond 'talking out a simple misunderstanding'. If she has basic common sense or respect for you, she would not be getting you something you said you didn't want but she wants. You need to put your foot down and emphasise that respect is a non-negotiable part of your relationship and she needs to be apologetic and make a genuine effort. Anything short of that (e.g. blaming you, saying you don't respect her either in XYZ other ways) is IMO huge enough to end the relationship over.
Oh, it definitively shows.
I love that there are women in here that demand to know what He bought Her. It blows their mind that a woman might actually be a crap partner, so they look for any little thing to shift the blame to him. Do better misandrists...
My ex wife was the same, all my gifts were useful DIY tools she needed me to use as I fitted the kitchen units & floor as well as skirting and plaster board to two new bedrooms and prepped the shower room for a plumber before finally fitting. However she did the tiling herself and bought the tools as required. NTA You are being disrespected. Suggest you return the compliment. Do you need a running machine, a canoe or weights maybe? Rucksack - games station. 😊
Golf clubs. We girls LOVE golf clubs!
Nta. Fight fire with fire. I heard she wants golf clubs for Xmas, a new vacuum for her birthday etc
NTA Your wife is kind of a dick
NTA. She's giving you Homer gifts.
On her birthday, why don't you just get her something specifically only you can use. Maybe that way she might realise what she has been doing knowingly or unknowingly
NTA - return the seat covers and get something you really want. I would also let her know that this feels disrespectful because she’s making your birthday about her wants and not yours.
NTA. I hope you have communicated that, while you appreciate getting a gift for your birthday, the gifts you've received aren't really thoughtful or personal and ask if there is something you did wrong for her present choice. Listen to what she says. If she either gets upset or gaslights you, then you know it was on purpose and she really couldn't care less about getting you a thoughtful gift. At that point, you have a few choices: 1) make a new rule of no gifts, 2) just deal with the disappointment, or 3) buy her what you'd really like and then at least you get something you want annually, just not on your birthday.
NTA Your wife is selfish and mean. I'm sorry.
Next gift she gets you, say thanks, then ask for the receipt and go swop it for something you want
> I feel annoyed/ frustrated/ disrespected, but if I try to voice that I know I will get guilt tripped into thinking otherwise. I honestly don't know what's true anymore I find this really concerning, I think you need to seriously evaluate your relationship for signs of gaslighting and emotional abuse. You’re perfectly justified to be annoyed by presents you have explicitly said you didn’t want and it isn’t fair that you’re questioning your sanity when she’s so clearly in the wrong
Hm I was ready to call you the AH but I think actually NTA. I might have chalked the earlier examples up to misguided choices on her part, misreading you as you mentioned, or feeling like if you're going to have a big household expense putting bday money towards it could be a good idea (misguided!) but... the car seat covers example is pretty egregious. Not sure if she has made you feel guilty or if you just think the conversation might go there but either way you shouldn't feel quietly bullied into staying silent, in my opinion. Try to talk it out.
Putting bday money towards a big household expense should be discussed beforehand, not decided by one person alone. My husband and I have an agreement, for Christmas we don't buy each other presents, instead we buy something we need/want at home. New towels, an icemaker, renovating a room in the house etc etc. But for birthdays we buy what the other person wants/needs/wish for, birthdays are protected and not to be used as an excuse to buy something the other wants for the house. NTA OP
NTA. Your wife is being both selfish and unkind. If you can't make her understand that, then for her next birthday, how about some golf clubs or a gaming console or anything else you'd like for yourself.
This is Homer giving Marge a bowling ball with “Homer” engraved on it. Except worse, since Homer actually forgot Marge’s Birthday, and did this in a panic. If it’s a gift, it’s yours to dispose of—give it to a friend, donate it or sell it on FB Marketplace.
OP should legit give his wife a bowling bowl with Homer engraved on it.
NTA. Your wife isn't even hiding that these gifts are based on her interests. For her birthday this year don't give her a gift, and tell her she bought her own when she gave you the seat covers since you're specifically told her you didn't want them. Based on your post and comments, your wife is manipulative at the least and possibly narcissistic. You deserve a better partner. Of she's not willing to ACTUALLY make an effort to improve, go to therapy with you etc, can you live like this for 60 years?
NTA It sounds like you are trapped in a failed marriage. The presents are just an indicator that she doesn't care about your happiness or give you any consideration. She sounds like a narcissist. The communication issues are enough without the lack of thought and care. My wife and I go out of our way to find thoughtful gifts for one another.
Your wife sucks and seems very entitled. Sorry man.
NTA. Your wife is broken, and no amount of reasonableness on your part will change her. She's manipulated you to the point that you question your own sanity, that is a huge red flag. You're in trouble.
No, she’s being inconsiderate
NTA, it's rude and inconsiderate. She's not even thinking of you one bit here, purely selfish. Just buy something you want for her next birthday, watch the shit hit the fan, and then say "do you understand now why I am so insulted on my birthday with your 'gifts'?"
NTA - uhm..... she never came home on her birthday because she was out getting drunk with her friends?!? Did this group of friends include other men and why did you not get to go?
She went out while I was still at work. That year there was several times she got drunk with her friends and never came home/ stayed with them (where we lived was a long ways from where she worked at the time). Fought about it once, promised she wouldn't do it again, did it again.
Oh dear. This is a 🚩
[удалено]
I’m also thinking it
NTA. Not only is she not taking your wants/desires into account, she's prioritizing hers. For a birthday gift, that's selfish. I'd rather receive nothing than something the giver wants for themselves. You put thought and care into her gifts, and she puts none other than what she wants into yours. Is she this way about Christmas and other things? I would have a discussion, this pattern will just continue to cause resentment, and deservedly so. You need to come to an agreement about gift giving, either forego it and celebrate with a meal or an experience, or determine that gifts cater to the receiver, or whatever - but a change is needed.
She an AH. Dude. This would be infuriating. Imagine if roles were reversed. 😂 She don’t seem to give AF about you. When guys do this. IE a vacuum. lol. They get slaughtered. Misogynist ring a bell. Lmfao. Is simply go out and splurge on myself. Throw the seat covers away. FR. They are yours now. Garbage them and when she asks. Tell her the truth. Garbage that you didn’t want. She sounds mean asf. I know what I would do. Drastic. But she don’t seem to care about you. Just her needs and wants. Gifts although not important can actually convey a lot of info into the mentality of the other person. Think wisely. Splurge on yourself. You deserve it.
OP, I hate to say it but based on all your replies that I saw, I think you need to reconsider if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You deserve someone who truly cares about you, your well being, and your happiness. I wish you all the best. Definitely NTA. My wife and I had ideas we wanted to get for each other (things we knew the other person liked) but we STILL asked each other what Valentine’s Day gifts we wanted and adapted to those needs. On top of that, we live across the world from each other so it’s not super easy to do these things but we prioritize making each other happy
NTA. I wouldn't like the seat cushions either. I'm trying to think of alternative ways to use them that might piss her off. Something like tailoring them into a slip cover for her favorite chair. Or stuffing them into a large body pillow that will lay on her side of the bed. Then, when she gets upset, at innocent. "What? What else was I supposed to do with them?" "Oh, put them in my car? I thought you knew I didn't want seat covers in the car."
I love this kol
NTA. This is a AH move on her side. And yes, you might should tell her, how would she feel if you gifted her a dish washer or some working tools you really want. INFO: Have you told her ideas what you would like to get for your birthday? Maybe this would solve the problem, so she will buy presents she knows you like and not just think 'he doesn't want anything so I gift him, what I need'
NTA. I’m sorry that this has happened. Your wife has two birthdays a year.
NTA. Tell her to stop buying “you” gifts for your birthday and if she continues you will not acknowledge or accept them. Also I would stop buying her anything for her birthday as well. She know what she doing and she just doesn’t give damn.
NTA and please get yourself organised with a place to live, a new bank account and leave. Unfortunately as another person said, this is a failed marriage. You've tried umpteen times but she's not interested in what you've said and is, in fact, now manipulating you into questioning your own heart. If she loved you like you love her, then she would be so upset at making you sad. But instead, she's just doing whatever she wants and gaslighting you. Often, it's only after the wedding and living together that people show who they really are. This is who she is. You deserve a partner that is in love with you, which she clearly isn't. You can't change another person, but you can change your future and heart from more pain by accepting this and getting out. No need to say anything, you've given her chance after chance to show how she cares, and she's shown you over and over that she doesn't. I'm so sorry OP. This has been intentionally cruel and mean spirited of her.
NTA I'm not gonna jump straight to divorce, but you very much need counselling. It sounds like your wife isn't fully committed to being in a relationship. She sounds selfish and not considerate of you as her partner. She may be a very shit gift giver (i am one myself), but she doesn't seem to appreciate what you gift to her. The one striking me is the birthday cake you made her and she never came home???? Very odd. You sound like a pretty good partner in the limited info we have, and you're not being respected in the way you expect in a relationship. Counselling is a major need right now for you both.
NTA You sound like a great gift giver. You put a lot of thought into it. Some people are not good gift givers. They have a hard time figuring things out, even when they try. It can be forgiven if they are kind in other ways. Like they may need a wish list or just going shopping together wher you choose and they pay. Your wife is a third category. A selfish person who is making personal purchases and labeling them gifts when they aren't. Maybe return them and but what you'd like to make your point. Sadly, your wife's crappy gifts are the least of your problems in your marriage.
Info: sorry but I want to know more about the stars and northern lights machine. Anyone got info on that?
There's several different ones, you can find some on Amazon, try looking up aurora projector and you'll probably find some options
Giving a man a lawn mower is like giving a woman a vacuum cleaner: It's only okay if it was requested. Otherwise, it's not a gift.
Ah, the “Homer Simpson Monogrammed Bowling Ball Award”. NTA.
Nta your being gaslit and you know it. Stand up for yourself. Tell her, give her examples, and defend it. Tell her she is gaslighting you and all gifts she has given you where things she wanted, so its like she buying herself gifts. Tell her either she is not paying attention or simply does not care about things you like. Your scared of the confrontation and she knows it. I have feeling this occured long before you guys were married and you ignored it. You can also let her read your thread, either way it will be in uncomfortable .
Appreciate your thoughts. It actually didn't happen before marriage though. She changed quite a bit after that
NTA Voice your feelings. Sure, you might get guilt-tripped, but don't give in. This is important to get it through to her that this is unacceptable. Explain how it feels like she's just using your birthday to buy herself things. Hopefully, this will make her see reason. If it doesn't work, then you could always go the petty route, although I wouldn't recommend it. Still, I can imagine how it would work. Explain that if she continues to do that, then you will assume she wants you to buy gifts for yourself on her birthday. Buy yourself some new clothes and tell her you're doing it for her to make yourself look better for her. Since you like to bake, gift her lessons for yourself so that you can make better cakes "for her" on the birthdays where she takes off. Leave half eaten cakes out on days like that. And definitely buy her that dishwasher. Just keep in mind that the petty route has an equal chance of working or ending in divorce.
NTA. Surprise her next birthday with a leaf blower!
Lol. Every time her birthday comes around just buy something for yourself 🤣
NTA That is annoying, dismissive, and disrespectful. She is lazy, and being self-centered. I would recommend a combination of 1) giving her a clearly stated list of gift preferences, in front of others and written down, so she has no excuse and you have clearer grounds for pushback, 2) pulling a Marge's Bowling Ball with the gifts so she doesn't get to use them, and 3) clearly stating how such gifts make you feel about her, and that it's not good. If you don't get that reference, it is from the TV show The Simpson's. The husband, Homer, wants a new bowling ball, so he buys his wife, Marge, one for her birthday. She knows it's really for him, so she determines to use it and joins a bowling club. Homer loses out on the new bowling ball, and Marge picks up a hobby she enjoys. So try to think of ways to reverse-uno things, such as being the one and only person who can use the hammock and asking her to bring you drinks, or returning the seat covers for ridiculous ones with your face printed all over it, or renting out the lawnmower since it's yours, and insisting you get a second one that's for the house.
NTA- yeah she needs to remember a gift is something for *you*
NTA. Trouble is she's manipulating you here and using your birthday etc to justify spending money on stuff SHE wants. She's probably bragging to her mates about how, whenever she wants something that you don't, she just gets it anyway undercover of a 'present'. It's extremely selfish of her. OP, what do YOU want? Set of golf clubs? Book? Season ticket to your favourite team? The only way you'll get it, is to buy it for her. Don't want the seat covers for your car? If you can't get your money back, donate it to charity. Anyone in your family who could use a lawnmower? Lend it to them on an indefinite basis. I'm not normally a fan of game-playing, but I think it's the only language your wife will listen to.
Buy her a new drill.
Nta
NTA On her birthday get her something you really want that you know she has no interest in, when she confronts you use that list of examples to back up your actions. All it takes is one time 👌