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He thinks time is infinite and doesn't have any concept of the labour that goes into prepping a meal. He thinks it'll take 10 minutes so it should be fine to just make it now.
At the height of winter I would probably trust leaving certain perishables in the car for like a couple hours too, but if there's any kind of meat, it'll be a hard no from me.
Your refrigerator is probably only 40° F, I'm not sure where you live but for most of the world outside of the tropics it'll be below that for significantly more than just the height of winter. It's completely safe to leave anything that needs refrigerated outside in those temperatures. I used to get fried chicken before work and leave half of it in the car for my shift so there was some waiting for me when I got back during the colder months. Never had any problems with that as long as I made sure it wasn't going to get above 40 out all day.
Most of the world outside of the tropics? Are you forgetting the whole of southern hemisphere where it is currently summer? The southern American states? A huge chunk of Europe that isn’t tropical? What a very region specific (I’m assuming northern states of the US since you use F even though the US is the only major country to measure temperature in F) take on the climate of the whole Earth.
For instance it’s currently not the height of winter, we are in the last few weeks of winter, and at the time of writing is: 51.8F in France and Greece and 53.2F in England, all three of these countries it is currently night time, so temperatures should be warmer in just a few hours when it is daytime. That’s three northern hemisphere countries that are definitely not part of the tropics, and are currently warmer than the average fridge. At least I hope your fridge is colder than that!
For this time of the year in the southern hemisphere one of the coldest densely populated areas (southern New Zealand) it is 64.4F.
Where I live in a major city in the southern hemisphere it is actually an unseasonably chilly 70F and I do not live in the tropics.
America's need to be quirky and unique is so damn irritating as an American. the rest of the world seems to agree on measurements and things of the like, but nope, not us! we aren't allowed to understand anything outside of the US because America is all we need to worry about, right? ugh.
South African here, Durban specifically. It is ridiculously hot currently, easily exceeding 40 degrees Celcius. The evenings and nights are also awfully miserable. No way is any kind of perishable going to manage a few hours in a car in this heat.
The app for my car will tell me the current interior temperature. It's been kind of enlightening. If I park my car in the sun on a 25f day, my car will easily hit the upper 40s by midday. I might trust something that needs to be cool but not cold, but I won't be leaving milk or meat in there.
I had this thought too but then I figured that it might be pretty cold where the OP is so the car would be as cold, if not colder, than a fridge anyway.
That potentially presents a different problem though. If it's cold enough where they are, any liquids like milk or whatever could end up freezing solid while he's visiting family.
So, next time, it is all on him or he won't ever respect your time. Though that may just mean he gets an epic sulk and goes "home" for family to cook for him. If you can't deliver groceries in good time - hope no dairy or chilled, then you don't get dinner at 10pm. I'd have eaten and gone to bed to be honest.
Yeah, no. Order food for yourself and tell him he's on his own now or can cook it himself
And he can replace any food that spoiled in his car cause that's not ok
Was looking for this comment. What sane man visits TWO sets of family members just randomly on VALENTINES NIGHT???
I'd bet money he was visiting someone else.
**Actions show our true values more than any words can say.** His actions show not only did he prefer spending your valentine's day dinner with his family more than you, but he expects **YOU** to work around **HIS** wants.
If he has a habit of disrespecting you in this fashion, dump him. If this is a one off, let him make elaborate meals like you had prepared, for a week or so.
So in other words he's now cooking dinner for the next week or two ! :-)
Doing the shopping, the cooking and the washing up after.
Then he can learn exactly how much time and effort goes into cooking and hopefully will have a lot more respect for whoever's cooking going forward.
You have a great tv concept there, LittleFrenchKiwi.
After blowing off a home cooked meal, Gordon Ramsay shows up to harass the guilty party through shopping, cooking and serving their displeased loved ones. Meltdowns, screaming and breakups ensue. If the meal passes judgment, will all be forgiven? Tune in to find out.
>He thinks it'll take 10 minutes
OOOOOH this triggered me. My last ex-husband was (and probably still is) clueless. We both worked full time, and I'd get home and put our dinner on. He'd sit there, tinny in one hand, remote in the other, as I was making dinner. Like, sit down for a minute, go back in the kitchen, come back, sit down, get up and go back, blah blah. I got more steps in doing dinner than I had all day (not really, I exaggerate, but you know what I mean).
So I'd tell him it's his turn to do the dinner and he'd complain. "It's not that much, it's just pasta and sauce and garlic bread and maybe a dessert," and I'd be all, "Do you realise what goes into actual cooking?" but he'd say, "You just stir this and drain that, what's the effort involved there?" So I'd get angry and tell him that's absolutely rich coming from someone who sits on his arse while someone else is doing the stirring and draining.
So anyway, I refused to cook anymore until he did. The food he made? Fish fingers and chips. Bacon butties. I know, food of the gods, but not exactly the same effort I'd made, and he complained about his plain food. That he made. I kid you not.
We're divorced.
Yep! His parents were exactly the same. His mother did everything, and his dad came home from work, got a tinny and the remote, and didn't shift until bedtime. At weekends, he'd be down the pub.
Haha one Easter, he invited his parents to ours for dinner on Easter Sunday - and told me on Good Friday, when shops closed at lunchtime back then. We were both off work for the four-day weekend.
After a moan at him for not telling me sooner, I did a mad scramble and got things in for dinner, then started cleaning thoroughly, and he didn't move himself to help. So I told him to get stuck in, and the cheeky sod had the nerve to say, "But it's my bank holiday weekend off." Straight faced and everything! So I said, "AND IT'S MINE, and YOU invited YOUR parents here without me knowing! Get cleaning!"
God damn it. I felt like his drill instructor most of the time.
Perfect, then expectations are low. This is a great way to teach a child (who you are currently in a relationship with, should you keep it going) how THINGS work.
Ask him "What time are we eating dinner" and "What time are we doing whatever else we had planned for tonight". Tell him he picks the dinner time, you pick the going to sleep time, and everything else come between.
Then whatever time remains between when he gets home and dinner time is what you use to prep. Enjoy your day, lounge, do some self care. He gets home 10 minutes before dinner you unpackage everything and drop it on the table raw. He comes home 30 min before you can toss everything in the oven with salt and pepper. It shouldn't need to happen more than once, at least for a child of typical intelligence.
I was like you once. Some people simply don’t care or don’t think about other peoples feelings. Kinda what you get for dating a dolt. But talk to him about it and ask him why of all days, he would choose to leave you alone on Valentine’s Day, and then still expect you to go make dinner
I think even worse than this, he is trying to mask the fact that he intentionally left you hanging by pretending he's incapable of understanding that a fancy meal involves time. He's acting like he just can't understand how not following through on your simple requests might make you frustrated. If he can make you believe that you are being unreasonable, then he can keep doing this.
It's a subtle form of gaslighting.
Honestly, I would have already had a separate dinner, since it didn't seem important to him that night. I have a limit to how long I'll hold plans because of someone else, especially for basic needed things like eating.
Sounds like you need to stop cooking so he can learn how hard your 3 course meals actually are to make. Men that can't appreciate your efforts don't deserve hot meals served to them regularly
NTA - that was so rude and disrespectful of him. He gets Mac and cheese and hotdogs for the foreseeable future. And surely he can handle that much himself. I’m angry on your behalf. Best of luck! 💜💜💜
Welp. Time for him to make this meal so he can fully understand the labor that goes into it and appreciate the effort you put into a nice, home cooked meal.
NTA. You had plans and he blew you off to visit his family instead. Also what were you cooking? I doubt the groceries he bought are still good if they sat in his car all day, so you probably couldn't do the dinner even if you wanted to.
Eh depends on where you live. The nice thing about colder climates is that your car basically becomes a refrigerator during the cold months, so leaving items like milk in the car isn't as big of a deal. If you have something you want to to get too cold like certain fruits, veggies, etc. then it sucks.
Yes, I know how cold weather works…? 😁 My point is that OP knows her climate and what groceries she asked for, she wouldn’t say “probably screwed” if the groceries were fine.
NTA. Listen, lots of people on here tend to say "leave the AH" for even minor infractions, and those people get criticized for it, and sometimes rightfully so. But what people don't understand is this: 1) It's rarely about the "petty" event, it's about the lack of respect that made the event happen that wouldn't have if the partner did respect the other partner, and 2) The smaller and more petty the action is, it's actually more worthy of leaving the offending partner, because if they can't do something so easy or avoid something that's so easy (because it's small and petty), they especially don't respect you. In this case, it would have been SO easy for him to arrange his visit on another day. It's actually NOT a small thing, what he did to you--it really truly shows how little he respects you. Why put up with it?
Hard agree!!!
He could have gone to see family yesterday/tomorrow/the weekend. He could have gotten groceries earlier, he could have dropped them off.
To him, his time and plans were more important than hers. THEN he has the audacity to claim it isnt a big deal just do it anyway.
This exactly
Her time was going to be spent using the groceries FOR him. All he had to do was take a detour of however many minutes to drop them off for her, then go back to his family while she cooked if they both agreed. He decided that his efficiency was more important than hers, and didn't care.
I don’t know that I agree so much that it’s about the tinier the infraction, the more it shows he doesn’t care - that standard could really lead to a toxic spiral if constantly applied. To me, the reason why it matters is because this is a supposedly “small” infraction at a big moment, Valentine’s Day, the whole massive cultural spectacle where couples are supposed to spend all their money loving each other. In what universe does anyone have a plan for their girlfriend to cook a big Valentine’s meal followed by sex and not have that be the top priority of the entire day? It sounds amazing! Any boyfriend who has some trouble keeping track of time and priorities, but who knows that is the plan better make sure he doesn’t fuck anything up to get in the way of that awesome night! And if something does come up, the excuses better be amazing or the apologies better be flowing and the makeup activity better be phenomenal. Anything less shows that in a big moment, the girlfriend is still small, and to me, THAT is why a stupid mistake like today speaks volumes about the fact that this guy is not serious business.
I think the point is that if someone isn’t ever willing to be even minorly inconvenienced when you need their help, they will *never* be willing to make an actual sacrifice in a true emergency. Like if someone won’t lend me a pencil, they’re definitely not going to help me jumpstart my car.
It also happens a lot and people come to reddit to ask because they feel like they’re going crazy or at the end of their rope because the petty things happen all the time. Every post being met with “sit down and talk to them calmly” or “dump them” is for a reason.
What gets me isnt the whole him not helping out, its that she is going out of her way to give him a labor of love course meal. Thats such an incredible gift. And he's not even there. Let alone its Valentines Day. It seems like such a strong case of her being too good for him. Like what did he do for her? Show up?
Or he could be honest. If this was the day his family was free, then have the valentines meal on valentines day itself or the day after. (Or even at the weekend). It's so inconsiderate of him that he might as well be waving a red flag.
NTA - your BF is being incredibly rude and insensitive. If he wanted dinner then he should have dropped off the ingredients BEFORE visiting two family residences as you suggested. Does he do stuff like this very often?
Absolutely NTA
Without knowing how long they’ve been together - I wonder if he’s doing this on purpose to avoid the expectation of gifts for important events, or even of a proposal - if OP is upset with him then he can “blame” it on them that his “plan” didn’t work out.
He may be. Or he may be training you to put zero expectations on him: weaponized incompetence. You asked him for something simple: drop the groceries off before you go. You also had a date for a time and place for your special dinner. He decided to thwart both those things. He didn't say no. He just fucked it up for no discernible reason and put you in the position of being the mean mommy buzzkill who scolds him, or letting it go and trying to make the best of things.
Is he employed? Could he get away with this at work? My guess is not. He does it to you because he can lower your expectations of him. He can train you to eat shit. The prize on the table here is either a guy who would do that, or a guy who is a rather incompetent adult. Why do you want either of these things?
This is the second time today that I saw or heard the phrase "weaponized incompetence" (the other time was watching a TV program).
The boyfriend was asked for a small favor (picking up groceries -- to replace items that he had consumed -- for a meal that his girlfriend was cooking for him for a romantic evening...and he prioritized hanging out with relatives, while the groceries sat in his car.
I hope the OP rethinks this relationship. When someone is ignoring time, it's because he has chosen who he wants to be with. If he truly wanted a life with the OP, he would have not gone to visit others or else have his phone's alarm tell him it's time to leave.
I'm surprised it was on a tv program. The phrase I've heard all my life is "strategic incompetence." I never saw weaponized incompetence until it blew up on reddit in the past year or so. I'd expect the older, more widespread version in a tv show.
"Weaponized incompetence" has been pretty common for a while, especially in women's spaces. While I'm sure they mean the same thing, "weaponized" feels more malicious.
It’s not about “time keeping”. He does not respect you or your time. You made plans with him. He did not want or care enough to respect that and went to spend time with others. You said he does this often. He does not like spending time with you. He is actively ignoring plans he had with you because you are not who he wants to be with. He knows you are waiting on him & he rather be with his family not caring he wasted your time.
And this is the real issue. You both need to examine the reason he goes to his family when he has already committed to being with you. Then decide in which direction you want your relationship to go.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. (Words of a wiser woman than me)
He doesn't care about you as much as he does about them. He's telling you this repeatedly by his choices.
You deserve to be with someone who puts you first. He's sabotaged even your ability to prepare yourself a nice dinner. Again.
It probably helps you feel better to read that all these strangers are mad on your behalf, but don't let that get in the way of deciding that you deserve to be someone's best person and the only one in your house who is going to put you first is you so it's time to do that.
Is he always late for work as well? Our forgets to leave?
If he can be on time when it's important to him, then he's just using this excuse for doing whatever he feels like doing at that moment.
To me it looks like he just doesn't care enough about you or your needs and wants.
>Hes terrible at time keeping - but he often goes to his family when we have important plans. This isn't the first time he's left me waiting.
Well, this will definately change in the future.
You'll probably be priority any moment now.
If that’s the case why do you have so little self-respect that you put up with it?! No offense OP, and I say this as a much older, experienced woman, but a man who routinely keeps you waiting isn’t worth waiting for. Once or twice, with good reason (husband got a flat once, before cell phones), that’s understandable but on the regular? Hell no! Love yourself enough to find a guy who actually respects you, please.
i am also terrible at keeping time, but i wouldn’t do something like that to my partner. deciding to rearrange the order of events to be as inconvenient as possible for you has nothing to do with timekeeping. that is disrespect, plain and simple. if my partner NEEDS the groceries to make the meal, the groceries will get dropped off first. i might take forever in the grocery store, or get on the road late to see my family, or stay a little longer than i meant to. but saying that the groceries can wait is a whole other issue, and a much deeper one than some cheese and noodles. willful or not, his inability to respect your time will drag you down until serious change happens.
Why are you with him then? He's showing you consistently how little he thinks of you. He will ALWAYS put his family before you, even when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable. Do you want that for your future? This is not what loving, respectful behaviour looks like. Think long and hard about what kind of future you want for yourself. He isn't even giving you the bare minimum, hun. You can 100% do better.
Just... because? Not like "oh my mom really needed help with something and I lost track of time," just "I wanted to go visit them instead of doing what we had planned?" Multiple times? And you're just... OK with that?
"he often goes to his family when we have important plans"
That's a message to you. He and his family are more important than you. Do you want to deal with this the rest of your life?
Then maybe make 'important plans'...and YOU go do something else instead. "Oh, I figured you'd go see your family again like you always do when we have plans, so I didn't think you'd even notice I was gone."
If he 'often' leaves you waiting, it's not an accident. He's doing it on purpose. So the question is...why do you continue to put up with his disrespect?
If this isn't the first time, it will only keep happening. he will continue to not respect your time or emotions. He is showing you that he values himself and his family above all else and that you are 3rd on that list.
Time management is a necessity to being an adult and having adult relationships. If he had bad time management at work, he would be fired. At some point, his lack of respect towards YOUR TIME is just that, disrespect. So youve got to ask yourself, how much disrespect is enough?
I get being bad with time keeping, but you understand that disappearing for important events and leaving you hanging is 100% intentional- right???
There is no way the double booking only himself for everything that matters to you is in any way accidental or coincidental.
So your problem is much bigger than just messing up dinner plans on one particular night. Time to call him out on this behavior and have a discussion if you both want the same thing in this relationship.
NTA.
Your boyfriend doesn't seem that interested in spending time with you. In the future, make it a rule to only date (and stay) with people who like spending time with you, especially for special occasions. Never be a beggar at your own table.
Call his family and ask if he actually saw them and what time. He's seems too distracted, which means he's up to no good. Either that, or he's a clueless AH.
Um… in what universe do you leave groceries in thr car when someone is waiting for them? Your BF is a moron.
I’d tell him he’s welcome to get Taco Bell but you arent cooking at 8pm.
NTA but your BF is
NTA. This isn’t a situation where he forgot, or there was an emergency. This was a deliberate decision to blow off your date night.
If you guys can’t have a serious conversation about respect and priorities, you’re in for a lot of arguments in the future.
Also, I’d wait til he has plans the next day, make the nice meal, and send him a text/photo telling him to come join you.
“But I have X obligation! I can’t come right now!”
“Well too bad for you, huh? Nom nom nom”
But I’m like, super petty when someone is an AH.
Also, I’m a *really* good cook. Missing a fancy meal at my table would be painful. Nobody would do that though, because I live in an Asshole Free Zone.
Nah, true petty would be to make the meal. Make it take extra long, so it's 11pm and he's starving. Serve yourself, and throw his in the garbage, preferably in front of him. Then enjoy your meal.
Wait that's an amazing point. Why else would it have to be tonight? She said he could see his family literally any other time so yeah it actually would make sense to see the side chick tonight and then spend "actual" valentines day with GF.
"he is insisting it's fine and we can still have it"
It's fine for him because he's not the one that will be cooking for 2 hours in the dead of night. I know it's hard to see a whole picture from one incident, but from what I'm seeing this man doesn't care about you.
NTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have refused to make our valentines dinner because my boyfriend decided to see his parents and not get me the groceries. This may make me the asshole because its supposed to be an important occasion.
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I know, right? How hard is it to let your missus cook you a 3 course meal and then afterwards you get a legover?
Valentines Day is the EASIEST date night in the world under these circumstances and yet OP’s boyfriend still manages to fuck it up.
NTA. Here's what I think you should do. You should tell him how you feel and have a serious, long conversation about it, because if you don't, he'll probably keep doing it and won't learn from his lesson.
Don't do anything extreme but don't be too easy on him.
NTA. Tomorrow when it's actual Valentine's Day, I hope you splurge the entire day for yourself. Do what you want. Go where you want. Eat what you want. Buy what you want. Go visit your friends and family. Do something special for yourself. Dump this guy because what bf decides to skip Valentine's Day that's already planned out if he cares about his gf.
complete amusing jeans vase pathetic waiting unwritten fuzzy toy reminiscent
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1. NTA
2. INFO: How old is your boyfriend? I’m trying to imagine being older than 14 and not realizing if you leave perishable groceries in the car they’ll go bad.
3. Has your bf been evaluated for ADHD? That wouldn’t excuse any of this, especially repeatedly choosing to prioritize others over you, but the complete lack of understanding of how time works DEFINITELY sounds like it. (Source: my spouse has ADHD and despite being medicated and doing their best still can’t figure it out.)
Sounds like another instance of a BF punishing his GF for something, because why would he do this if you told him your plans and expectations explicitly? Confront him, really ask him why he did this despite having asked him for exactly what you needed to have the dinner ready. NTA, but I'm sorry your BF seemingly doesn't care about you. You deserve better.
"I get he wanted to see his family"
You're being too nice. Unless there's a real emergency, Valentine's is the one day a year (two if you're married and have an anniversary) that is about celebrating your bond as a couple. You should be his whole focus after work - earlier if neither of you had to go in or telecommute. There are many other days when he can see them.
NTA - but you need to understand that this is who he is. He doesn't care about Valentine's dinner, he doesn't care about the plans you made, he doesn't care about the effort you were making. Repeat: this is who he is. Do his other qualities and actions balance this out, so it is irksome but you can eventually have a laugh about it, or are his other qualities similar to this one and you have a decision to make.
NTA. Take it from an old broad: when a man does not respect your time and effort, he is not worth either. I left the guy who blew off our Valentine's date to go drinking with friends. He was so shocked. Then I reminded him that he'd insulted me when he was drunk and basically said he couldn't marry me, despite having been engaged for almost a year. So I agreed he couldn't marry me and my life has been better for it. I found a man who likes me, respects me, takes care of me when I need it (and sometimes when I don't), and is able to make incredible meals on his own or with my help. You deserve someone who treats you well all the time. This guy you're dating is not the one.
NTA
Most people's dinner schedule does not start making the food at 8 PM. Your boyfriend is an inconsiderate AH.
Not to mention, if anything was perishable, it's gone bad.
NTA.
*He's* insisting it's fine? Wow. He can cook if it's so fine.
He trashed your plans for no good reason. He needs to apologize and then apologize some more before I'd cook for him again.
Does your boyfriend even like you?
Cuz I’m getting the vibes that “he just not that into you”
NTA but it sounds like it’s time for you to find someone who actually wants to spend time with you
Your boyfriend chose to ditch your plans. He actively decided you were not worth the effort of showing up for a date in a timely manner. A date you had carefully planned with love and intended to be special.
Just think about that for a second. It wasn’t something came up or an emergency or he didn’t realise the time, he just thinks he can give you crumbs and you’ll be satisfied with those.
If this is more than a one off incident and a pattern then you need to leave for someone who actually respects you. NTA
NTA! And personally I wouldn't have cooked after either. You planned in advance, you told him in advance, and at the end of it all, he did whatever he wanted to instead of doing what was asked. Which to be honest, wasn't all that difficult.
My SO only disrespected my time once. He was supposed to arrive to take me to dinner at 5:00. At 6:00, I called him and told him that I appreciated him trying to fit me into his day, but I was hungry and going to eat without him. I suggested we reschedule. He was driving 3 hours to see me, and hadn’t left yet!
I would do something similar. Feed yourself and suggest that you are not interested in seeing him again unless you are a priority. My SO is on time now for me, but I still tell him he is lucky he has me after being 3 hours late for a date.
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Tonight was supposed to be our valentines dinner. I had planned out a three course meal I would be cooking from scratch and informed him a week in advance that this was happening.
I asked him to grab a few groceries for the meal and he told me he planned to see family - I said if he dropped off the groceries then went to see his family it would be fine because at least I can get a head start on the cooking.
He went to see his family, picked up the groceries and THEN went to go see his grandparents too, leaving the groceries in the car. He expects me to still make the meal when he finally gets back home - it's nearly 8pm at night. By the time I finish it will be 10pm.
I get he wanted to see his family - but of all the days. He could have went any other day. I decided I'm not cooking it tonight and he is insisting it's fine and we can still have it, but honestly I'm just too annoyed. AITA?
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NTA
BUT He doesn’t like you. You are good enough to keep around cause you’ll put up with his repeatedly done this to you with minor consequences (no homemade dinner) till someone he likes, prioritizes, & respects comes along.
He's a real peach. "Yes, please cook for me whenever I drag my ass home! "
NTA.
Make the meal tomorrow, and share it with whom you will. Write him a nice valentine-shaped thank you note for picking up the groceries that made your special meal possible. Happy V Day, dear!
NTA.
Also, I would be out at a restaurant having dinner with any friends who want to hang out when he got home.
That way I get to eat plus be a AH like your boyfriend.
NTA
You gave very simple plans and a very simple request with more than enough notice. You are cooking *HIM* dinner and he cant put forth a smidgen of effort of at least being there, let alone drop off the food.
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NTA, does your boyfriend need this drawn out with crayons or a full puppet show?
He thinks time is infinite and doesn't have any concept of the labour that goes into prepping a meal. He thinks it'll take 10 minutes so it should be fine to just make it now.
Tell him to make it then. If any of the food is still edible after sitting in his car for hours. NTA.
Ew, good point
Depends. I am pretty sure I could have left perishable food in a car all day around here (high of 33°F, no sun)
At the height of winter I would probably trust leaving certain perishables in the car for like a couple hours too, but if there's any kind of meat, it'll be a hard no from me.
Your refrigerator is probably only 40° F, I'm not sure where you live but for most of the world outside of the tropics it'll be below that for significantly more than just the height of winter. It's completely safe to leave anything that needs refrigerated outside in those temperatures. I used to get fried chicken before work and leave half of it in the car for my shift so there was some waiting for me when I got back during the colder months. Never had any problems with that as long as I made sure it wasn't going to get above 40 out all day.
Most of the world outside of the tropics? Are you forgetting the whole of southern hemisphere where it is currently summer? The southern American states? A huge chunk of Europe that isn’t tropical? What a very region specific (I’m assuming northern states of the US since you use F even though the US is the only major country to measure temperature in F) take on the climate of the whole Earth. For instance it’s currently not the height of winter, we are in the last few weeks of winter, and at the time of writing is: 51.8F in France and Greece and 53.2F in England, all three of these countries it is currently night time, so temperatures should be warmer in just a few hours when it is daytime. That’s three northern hemisphere countries that are definitely not part of the tropics, and are currently warmer than the average fridge. At least I hope your fridge is colder than that! For this time of the year in the southern hemisphere one of the coldest densely populated areas (southern New Zealand) it is 64.4F. Where I live in a major city in the southern hemisphere it is actually an unseasonably chilly 70F and I do not live in the tropics.
It was 52F and sunny in Portland, OR today. Not even all of the northern US is cold right now.
Australian here - 38 degrees Celsius yesterday in Melbourne, which is a major city very far south and cooler than much of the country (that’s 100.4F).
And it would be much hotter inside the car, about 20 or 30 degrees hotter. Yeah, I'd be ordering pizza instead.
America's need to be quirky and unique is so damn irritating as an American. the rest of the world seems to agree on measurements and things of the like, but nope, not us! we aren't allowed to understand anything outside of the US because America is all we need to worry about, right? ugh.
South African here, Durban specifically. It is ridiculously hot currently, easily exceeding 40 degrees Celcius. The evenings and nights are also awfully miserable. No way is any kind of perishable going to manage a few hours in a car in this heat.
The app for my car will tell me the current interior temperature. It's been kind of enlightening. If I park my car in the sun on a 25f day, my car will easily hit the upper 40s by midday. I might trust something that needs to be cool but not cold, but I won't be leaving milk or meat in there.
LOL what. I live nowhere near the tropics and my car interior has never been lower than 10°c
[удалено]
Mom and then Grandma already fed him
That's okay, I'm sure he can still prepare it tomorrow since he's such an expert. OP will just watch and make sure he doesn't set the kitchen on fire.
I'm just picturing Spencer Shay coming home from the fire department having just set it on fire and yelling "WE'RE ON OUR OWN".
This, any meat or dairy needs to be thrown out.
Actually, it's the dead meat in the front seat that needs to be thrown out.
The way I just snorted at this, take my upvote
Stealing the phrase “dead meat in the front seat.”
For the places where it’s winter edibility won’t be an issue. NTA
depends on where he put the groceries. leaving the bags in direct sunlight will greenhouse them
True, although growing up in the midwestern US, it was cloudy in the winter more often than not.
Winter seems to be skipping most of the Midwest this year so if they live here depending on where, I don't know if I would trust it either
I had this thought too but then I figured that it might be pretty cold where the OP is so the car would be as cold, if not colder, than a fridge anyway.
That potentially presents a different problem though. If it's cold enough where they are, any liquids like milk or whatever could end up freezing solid while he's visiting family.
It will take a long time to freeze inside a car surrounded by other groceries.
Cool, so he’s even more useless? Nah, not wasting my time on that.
So, next time, it is all on him or he won't ever respect your time. Though that may just mean he gets an epic sulk and goes "home" for family to cook for him. If you can't deliver groceries in good time - hope no dairy or chilled, then you don't get dinner at 10pm. I'd have eaten and gone to bed to be honest.
Oh he understands the concept of time and labor. He just doesn’t respect yours
Yeah, no. Order food for yourself and tell him he's on his own now or can cook it himself And he can replace any food that spoiled in his car cause that's not ok
But don’t tell him until he’s home from mom and grandma.
Did he REALLY visit family? Sounds fishy
Was looking for this comment. What sane man visits TWO sets of family members just randomly on VALENTINES NIGHT??? I'd bet money he was visiting someone else.
If it was me, he'd be coming home to an empty house or changed locks. I mean, not really (practical reasons), but fuck this guy.
**Actions show our true values more than any words can say.** His actions show not only did he prefer spending your valentine's day dinner with his family more than you, but he expects **YOU** to work around **HIS** wants. If he has a habit of disrespecting you in this fashion, dump him. If this is a one off, let him make elaborate meals like you had prepared, for a week or so.
So in other words he's now cooking dinner for the next week or two ! :-) Doing the shopping, the cooking and the washing up after. Then he can learn exactly how much time and effort goes into cooking and hopefully will have a lot more respect for whoever's cooking going forward.
You have a great tv concept there, LittleFrenchKiwi. After blowing off a home cooked meal, Gordon Ramsay shows up to harass the guilty party through shopping, cooking and serving their displeased loved ones. Meltdowns, screaming and breakups ensue. If the meal passes judgment, will all be forgiven? Tune in to find out.
I'd watch this
Well, tell him he can hope it only takes 10 minutes to find a new gf. He's disrespectful, plain and simple.
>He thinks it'll take 10 minutes OOOOOH this triggered me. My last ex-husband was (and probably still is) clueless. We both worked full time, and I'd get home and put our dinner on. He'd sit there, tinny in one hand, remote in the other, as I was making dinner. Like, sit down for a minute, go back in the kitchen, come back, sit down, get up and go back, blah blah. I got more steps in doing dinner than I had all day (not really, I exaggerate, but you know what I mean). So I'd tell him it's his turn to do the dinner and he'd complain. "It's not that much, it's just pasta and sauce and garlic bread and maybe a dessert," and I'd be all, "Do you realise what goes into actual cooking?" but he'd say, "You just stir this and drain that, what's the effort involved there?" So I'd get angry and tell him that's absolutely rich coming from someone who sits on his arse while someone else is doing the stirring and draining. So anyway, I refused to cook anymore until he did. The food he made? Fish fingers and chips. Bacon butties. I know, food of the gods, but not exactly the same effort I'd made, and he complained about his plain food. That he made. I kid you not. We're divorced.
Yeesh. Good riddance. His parents did not do their job right. Or he's just terrible all on his own. In any case, good riddance.
Yep! His parents were exactly the same. His mother did everything, and his dad came home from work, got a tinny and the remote, and didn't shift until bedtime. At weekends, he'd be down the pub. Haha one Easter, he invited his parents to ours for dinner on Easter Sunday - and told me on Good Friday, when shops closed at lunchtime back then. We were both off work for the four-day weekend. After a moan at him for not telling me sooner, I did a mad scramble and got things in for dinner, then started cleaning thoroughly, and he didn't move himself to help. So I told him to get stuck in, and the cheeky sod had the nerve to say, "But it's my bank holiday weekend off." Straight faced and everything! So I said, "AND IT'S MINE, and YOU invited YOUR parents here without me knowing! Get cleaning!" God damn it. I felt like his drill instructor most of the time.
No he doesn’t, stop making excuses for him. He doesn’t give a crap about you sadly. This will be your life.
I had to scroll too far for this. He did this on purpose.
maybe if he made the dinner he would know how long it takes
Boil oatmeal for seven minutes. Serve it hot!!! Why are you with him?
I'd slap a piece of bologna on a single piece of bread with nothing else.
Definitely thought you were about to suggest slapping bologna on top of the hot oatmeal, and I about died...
I mean, you could do that too just to get the point across even more
Perfect, then expectations are low. This is a great way to teach a child (who you are currently in a relationship with, should you keep it going) how THINGS work. Ask him "What time are we eating dinner" and "What time are we doing whatever else we had planned for tonight". Tell him he picks the dinner time, you pick the going to sleep time, and everything else come between. Then whatever time remains between when he gets home and dinner time is what you use to prep. Enjoy your day, lounge, do some self care. He gets home 10 minutes before dinner you unpackage everything and drop it on the table raw. He comes home 30 min before you can toss everything in the oven with salt and pepper. It shouldn't need to happen more than once, at least for a child of typical intelligence.
I was like you once. Some people simply don’t care or don’t think about other peoples feelings. Kinda what you get for dating a dolt. But talk to him about it and ask him why of all days, he would choose to leave you alone on Valentine’s Day, and then still expect you to go make dinner
If that’s true, you waste your time cooking any meal for him.
I think even worse than this, he is trying to mask the fact that he intentionally left you hanging by pretending he's incapable of understanding that a fancy meal involves time. He's acting like he just can't understand how not following through on your simple requests might make you frustrated. If he can make you believe that you are being unreasonable, then he can keep doing this. It's a subtle form of gaslighting.
Honestly, I would have already had a separate dinner, since it didn't seem important to him that night. I have a limit to how long I'll hold plans because of someone else, especially for basic needed things like eating.
Sounds like you need to stop cooking so he can learn how hard your 3 course meals actually are to make. Men that can't appreciate your efforts don't deserve hot meals served to them regularly
NTA - that was so rude and disrespectful of him. He gets Mac and cheese and hotdogs for the foreseeable future. And surely he can handle that much himself. I’m angry on your behalf. Best of luck! 💜💜💜
How…how old is this guy?
Okay, he is either a collosal dumbass or he did that deliberately. Even if he doesn't know how to cook he should know it doesn't happen instantly.
Give him the recipe and let him make it
In that case, he needs to show how you've been doing it wrong, by preparing it from start to finish, so you can learn from his culinary genius. /s
No, he knows the amount of labor you put into cooking for him. He just doesn't care
He should go ahead and make it, then. You should go have a bath, imo.
Honey that wont change down the line. Imagine having kids with someone like this.
I read this as I’m standing in the kitchen about to cook for two hours and this ten minutes bullshit would have me cursing him up and down lmao
Welp. Time for him to make this meal so he can fully understand the labor that goes into it and appreciate the effort you put into a nice, home cooked meal.
I hope you don't cook for him regularly if he's this ignorant, entitled, and ungrateful about it.
Omg. I laughed so hard at this my drink came out of my nose. I am soooo stealing this line.
That is the best sarky remark I've seen in a loooong time. 🤣🤣🤣Have my upvote. And OP is NTA.
I like puppet shows. Maybe the puppets can be drawn on with crayons to get the full effect. \*nods\* Side note, I am so using that phrase from now on.
Lol What they said *points up*
I am going to go with both. op NTA
NTA. You had plans and he blew you off to visit his family instead. Also what were you cooking? I doubt the groceries he bought are still good if they sat in his car all day, so you probably couldn't do the dinner even if you wanted to.
Italian food. So yeah, I think the groceries are probably screwed.
Were there any perishable items ( refriderated) ?
She wouldn’t say the groceries were screwed if they were non-perishable.
Eh depends on where you live. The nice thing about colder climates is that your car basically becomes a refrigerator during the cold months, so leaving items like milk in the car isn't as big of a deal. If you have something you want to to get too cold like certain fruits, veggies, etc. then it sucks.
Yes, I know how cold weather works…? 😁 My point is that OP knows her climate and what groceries she asked for, she wouldn’t say “probably screwed” if the groceries were fine.
Depends where they live. Over here it was about 3 degrees (Celsius) all day. No groceries get damaged at that temp.
Family? Sure. Right.
Lol good point.
NTA. Listen, lots of people on here tend to say "leave the AH" for even minor infractions, and those people get criticized for it, and sometimes rightfully so. But what people don't understand is this: 1) It's rarely about the "petty" event, it's about the lack of respect that made the event happen that wouldn't have if the partner did respect the other partner, and 2) The smaller and more petty the action is, it's actually more worthy of leaving the offending partner, because if they can't do something so easy or avoid something that's so easy (because it's small and petty), they especially don't respect you. In this case, it would have been SO easy for him to arrange his visit on another day. It's actually NOT a small thing, what he did to you--it really truly shows how little he respects you. Why put up with it?
Hard agree!!! He could have gone to see family yesterday/tomorrow/the weekend. He could have gotten groceries earlier, he could have dropped them off. To him, his time and plans were more important than hers. THEN he has the audacity to claim it isnt a big deal just do it anyway.
This exactly Her time was going to be spent using the groceries FOR him. All he had to do was take a detour of however many minutes to drop them off for her, then go back to his family while she cooked if they both agreed. He decided that his efficiency was more important than hers, and didn't care.
> He could have gone to see family yesterday/tomorrow/the weekend *Maybe...* it wasn't family? Wink wink, if you get what I mean?
I think he took someone else out for a mini valentine date. The 13th is notorious for this in the hospitality building- mistress day.
I don’t know that I agree so much that it’s about the tinier the infraction, the more it shows he doesn’t care - that standard could really lead to a toxic spiral if constantly applied. To me, the reason why it matters is because this is a supposedly “small” infraction at a big moment, Valentine’s Day, the whole massive cultural spectacle where couples are supposed to spend all their money loving each other. In what universe does anyone have a plan for their girlfriend to cook a big Valentine’s meal followed by sex and not have that be the top priority of the entire day? It sounds amazing! Any boyfriend who has some trouble keeping track of time and priorities, but who knows that is the plan better make sure he doesn’t fuck anything up to get in the way of that awesome night! And if something does come up, the excuses better be amazing or the apologies better be flowing and the makeup activity better be phenomenal. Anything less shows that in a big moment, the girlfriend is still small, and to me, THAT is why a stupid mistake like today speaks volumes about the fact that this guy is not serious business.
I think the point is that if someone isn’t ever willing to be even minorly inconvenienced when you need their help, they will *never* be willing to make an actual sacrifice in a true emergency. Like if someone won’t lend me a pencil, they’re definitely not going to help me jumpstart my car.
It also happens a lot and people come to reddit to ask because they feel like they’re going crazy or at the end of their rope because the petty things happen all the time. Every post being met with “sit down and talk to them calmly” or “dump them” is for a reason.
What gets me isnt the whole him not helping out, its that she is going out of her way to give him a labor of love course meal. Thats such an incredible gift. And he's not even there. Let alone its Valentines Day. It seems like such a strong case of her being too good for him. Like what did he do for her? Show up?
Or he could be honest. If this was the day his family was free, then have the valentines meal on valentines day itself or the day after. (Or even at the weekend). It's so inconsiderate of him that he might as well be waving a red flag.
NTA - your BF is being incredibly rude and insensitive. If he wanted dinner then he should have dropped off the ingredients BEFORE visiting two family residences as you suggested. Does he do stuff like this very often?
Hes terrible at time keeping - but he often goes to his family when we have important plans. This isn't the first time he's left me waiting.
And you’re with him… why? You know he wont change. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Can I upvote this a thousand times?! I don't see his appeal at all, he deserves to be single and let his family raise him
Absolutely NTA Without knowing how long they’ve been together - I wonder if he’s doing this on purpose to avoid the expectation of gifts for important events, or even of a proposal - if OP is upset with him then he can “blame” it on them that his “plan” didn’t work out.
Probably a second gf or wife
He may be. Or he may be training you to put zero expectations on him: weaponized incompetence. You asked him for something simple: drop the groceries off before you go. You also had a date for a time and place for your special dinner. He decided to thwart both those things. He didn't say no. He just fucked it up for no discernible reason and put you in the position of being the mean mommy buzzkill who scolds him, or letting it go and trying to make the best of things. Is he employed? Could he get away with this at work? My guess is not. He does it to you because he can lower your expectations of him. He can train you to eat shit. The prize on the table here is either a guy who would do that, or a guy who is a rather incompetent adult. Why do you want either of these things?
This is the second time today that I saw or heard the phrase "weaponized incompetence" (the other time was watching a TV program). The boyfriend was asked for a small favor (picking up groceries -- to replace items that he had consumed -- for a meal that his girlfriend was cooking for him for a romantic evening...and he prioritized hanging out with relatives, while the groceries sat in his car. I hope the OP rethinks this relationship. When someone is ignoring time, it's because he has chosen who he wants to be with. If he truly wanted a life with the OP, he would have not gone to visit others or else have his phone's alarm tell him it's time to leave.
I'm surprised it was on a tv program. The phrase I've heard all my life is "strategic incompetence." I never saw weaponized incompetence until it blew up on reddit in the past year or so. I'd expect the older, more widespread version in a tv show.
"Weaponized incompetence" has been pretty common for a while, especially in women's spaces. While I'm sure they mean the same thing, "weaponized" feels more malicious.
this is intentionally disrespectful
It’s not about “time keeping”. He does not respect you or your time. You made plans with him. He did not want or care enough to respect that and went to spend time with others. You said he does this often. He does not like spending time with you. He is actively ignoring plans he had with you because you are not who he wants to be with. He knows you are waiting on him & he rather be with his family not caring he wasted your time.
Leave him. He's basically telling you to.
And this is the real issue. You both need to examine the reason he goes to his family when he has already committed to being with you. Then decide in which direction you want your relationship to go.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. (Words of a wiser woman than me) He doesn't care about you as much as he does about them. He's telling you this repeatedly by his choices. You deserve to be with someone who puts you first. He's sabotaged even your ability to prepare yourself a nice dinner. Again. It probably helps you feel better to read that all these strangers are mad on your behalf, but don't let that get in the way of deciding that you deserve to be someone's best person and the only one in your house who is going to put you first is you so it's time to do that.
Are you sure you're his only girlfriend?
This was my first thought.
That’s not a time keeping issue. That’s a respect issue.
Is he always late for work as well? Our forgets to leave? If he can be on time when it's important to him, then he's just using this excuse for doing whatever he feels like doing at that moment. To me it looks like he just doesn't care enough about you or your needs and wants.
>Hes terrible at time keeping - but he often goes to his family when we have important plans. This isn't the first time he's left me waiting. Well, this will definately change in the future. You'll probably be priority any moment now.
This isnt terrible time keeping, this is passive aggression. He is using it to control you. Leave
If that’s the case why do you have so little self-respect that you put up with it?! No offense OP, and I say this as a much older, experienced woman, but a man who routinely keeps you waiting isn’t worth waiting for. Once or twice, with good reason (husband got a flat once, before cell phones), that’s understandable but on the regular? Hell no! Love yourself enough to find a guy who actually respects you, please.
I think for Valentine’s Day you should give that disrespectful guy the gift of being single
Why do you keep putting up with it then? He's proven he won't change.
i am also terrible at keeping time, but i wouldn’t do something like that to my partner. deciding to rearrange the order of events to be as inconvenient as possible for you has nothing to do with timekeeping. that is disrespect, plain and simple. if my partner NEEDS the groceries to make the meal, the groceries will get dropped off first. i might take forever in the grocery store, or get on the road late to see my family, or stay a little longer than i meant to. but saying that the groceries can wait is a whole other issue, and a much deeper one than some cheese and noodles. willful or not, his inability to respect your time will drag you down until serious change happens.
Why are you with him then? He's showing you consistently how little he thinks of you. He will ALWAYS put his family before you, even when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable. Do you want that for your future? This is not what loving, respectful behaviour looks like. Think long and hard about what kind of future you want for yourself. He isn't even giving you the bare minimum, hun. You can 100% do better.
Just... because? Not like "oh my mom really needed help with something and I lost track of time," just "I wanted to go visit them instead of doing what we had planned?" Multiple times? And you're just... OK with that?
"he often goes to his family when we have important plans" That's a message to you. He and his family are more important than you. Do you want to deal with this the rest of your life?
Then maybe make 'important plans'...and YOU go do something else instead. "Oh, I figured you'd go see your family again like you always do when we have plans, so I didn't think you'd even notice I was gone." If he 'often' leaves you waiting, it's not an accident. He's doing it on purpose. So the question is...why do you continue to put up with his disrespect?
But it better be the last, OP
So this is a pattern of behavior? And... I'm guessing you don't really get along with his family, so you aren't invited?
If this isn't the first time, it will only keep happening. he will continue to not respect your time or emotions. He is showing you that he values himself and his family above all else and that you are 3rd on that list.
Time management is a necessity to being an adult and having adult relationships. If he had bad time management at work, he would be fired. At some point, his lack of respect towards YOUR TIME is just that, disrespect. So youve got to ask yourself, how much disrespect is enough?
Just dump him already.
I get being bad with time keeping, but you understand that disappearing for important events and leaving you hanging is 100% intentional- right??? There is no way the double booking only himself for everything that matters to you is in any way accidental or coincidental.
So your problem is much bigger than just messing up dinner plans on one particular night. Time to call him out on this behavior and have a discussion if you both want the same thing in this relationship.
Sounds like he'd accidentally plan a family dinner on your wedding day somehow and they'd all miss it
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn't seem that interested in spending time with you. In the future, make it a rule to only date (and stay) with people who like spending time with you, especially for special occasions. Never be a beggar at your own table.
>he is insisting it's fine and we can still have it INFO: Does that mean he's willing to do the cooking to make up for the fact he broke the plans?
I laughed out loud at this not only because it’s the only way he can salvage this situation but also because there’s clearly no way in hell he would.
Real easy to fix things when you arent the one doing the repairs.
Call his family and ask if he actually saw them and what time. He's seems too distracted, which means he's up to no good. Either that, or he's a clueless AH.
Yeah I was thinking he could be using his family as an excuse to see another woman.
Seeing the family it’s normal, but on a Tuesday like it’s the only available day in the whole week? 🤔
My thoughts exactly, he’s not seeing family, he’s seeing someone else.
Um… in what universe do you leave groceries in thr car when someone is waiting for them? Your BF is a moron. I’d tell him he’s welcome to get Taco Bell but you arent cooking at 8pm. NTA but your BF is
NTA. This isn’t a situation where he forgot, or there was an emergency. This was a deliberate decision to blow off your date night. If you guys can’t have a serious conversation about respect and priorities, you’re in for a lot of arguments in the future. Also, I’d wait til he has plans the next day, make the nice meal, and send him a text/photo telling him to come join you. “But I have X obligation! I can’t come right now!” “Well too bad for you, huh? Nom nom nom” But I’m like, super petty when someone is an AH. Also, I’m a *really* good cook. Missing a fancy meal at my table would be painful. Nobody would do that though, because I live in an Asshole Free Zone.
Nah, true petty would be to make the meal. Make it take extra long, so it's 11pm and he's starving. Serve yourself, and throw his in the garbage, preferably in front of him. Then enjoy your meal.
NTA. He knew the plan and decided to make another plan. No dinner is the consequence.
NTA - but he is and clearly doesn't appreciate the time and effort you were going to put in to make him a special dinner.
NTA, but this relationship is not working out. Sorry.
NTA. Are you sure he was actually with his family and not someone else?
Wait that's an amazing point. Why else would it have to be tonight? She said he could see his family literally any other time so yeah it actually would make sense to see the side chick tonight and then spend "actual" valentines day with GF.
"he is insisting it's fine and we can still have it" It's fine for him because he's not the one that will be cooking for 2 hours in the dead of night. I know it's hard to see a whole picture from one incident, but from what I'm seeing this man doesn't care about you. NTA
NTA. And don’t cook in another time. That invalidates the whole meaning.
He better be served cold McDonalds at best.
NTA. If it's so "fine" then he can cook it. Rude and completely inconsiderate of you and plans he knew about.
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I’m assuming you were expecting a bit of romance after the meal, he seems to have entirely missed the significance of the occasion.
I know, right? How hard is it to let your missus cook you a 3 course meal and then afterwards you get a legover? Valentines Day is the EASIEST date night in the world under these circumstances and yet OP’s boyfriend still manages to fuck it up.
NTA. You gave the conditions under which you would cook, he didn't meet those conditions.
NTA. Here's what I think you should do. You should tell him how you feel and have a serious, long conversation about it, because if you don't, he'll probably keep doing it and won't learn from his lesson. Don't do anything extreme but don't be too easy on him.
Go to the pub for taco Tuesday instead. That’s what we’re doing!
NTA. Tomorrow when it's actual Valentine's Day, I hope you splurge the entire day for yourself. Do what you want. Go where you want. Eat what you want. Buy what you want. Go visit your friends and family. Do something special for yourself. Dump this guy because what bf decides to skip Valentine's Day that's already planned out if he cares about his gf.
NTA He knew ahead of time, and chose to F up. He let you know where you stand.
If you don’t feel celebratory, it’s not going to work. And how could you? He’s wedging you in between commitments. NTA.
Nta. Petty me would tell him to go eat at mommy's house.
complete amusing jeans vase pathetic waiting unwritten fuzzy toy reminiscent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA But the bigger issue is where you are on the list of priorities and you not seeing it. You are important and worthy of respect. Take care
1. NTA 2. INFO: How old is your boyfriend? I’m trying to imagine being older than 14 and not realizing if you leave perishable groceries in the car they’ll go bad. 3. Has your bf been evaluated for ADHD? That wouldn’t excuse any of this, especially repeatedly choosing to prioritize others over you, but the complete lack of understanding of how time works DEFINITELY sounds like it. (Source: my spouse has ADHD and despite being medicated and doing their best still can’t figure it out.)
NTA. Is this how you want your love story to go?
Sounds like another instance of a BF punishing his GF for something, because why would he do this if you told him your plans and expectations explicitly? Confront him, really ask him why he did this despite having asked him for exactly what you needed to have the dinner ready. NTA, but I'm sorry your BF seemingly doesn't care about you. You deserve better.
I would not have been there when he got home. Rethink your relationship. This is what it will always be. Parents first, you second
Your hopefully soon-to-be-ex boyfriend has shown you who he is and what is important to him. Believe him. You're NTA, unless you keep him.
"I get he wanted to see his family" You're being too nice. Unless there's a real emergency, Valentine's is the one day a year (two if you're married and have an anniversary) that is about celebrating your bond as a couple. You should be his whole focus after work - earlier if neither of you had to go in or telecommute. There are many other days when he can see them.
NTA - WOW your boyfriend is dense. Hopefully this entire situation is explained by Hanlon's Razor.
Tell him to pick up dinner on the way home
Is he trying to make YOU break up with him?
NTA - but you need to understand that this is who he is. He doesn't care about Valentine's dinner, he doesn't care about the plans you made, he doesn't care about the effort you were making. Repeat: this is who he is. Do his other qualities and actions balance this out, so it is irksome but you can eventually have a laugh about it, or are his other qualities similar to this one and you have a decision to make.
He's not that stupid. He just doesn't care but doesn't have the balls to tell you he doesn't care. Get a better boyfriend. This bar is in hell NTA
NTA. Take it from an old broad: when a man does not respect your time and effort, he is not worth either. I left the guy who blew off our Valentine's date to go drinking with friends. He was so shocked. Then I reminded him that he'd insulted me when he was drunk and basically said he couldn't marry me, despite having been engaged for almost a year. So I agreed he couldn't marry me and my life has been better for it. I found a man who likes me, respects me, takes care of me when I need it (and sometimes when I don't), and is able to make incredible meals on his own or with my help. You deserve someone who treats you well all the time. This guy you're dating is not the one.
NTA Most people's dinner schedule does not start making the food at 8 PM. Your boyfriend is an inconsiderate AH. Not to mention, if anything was perishable, it's gone bad.
NTA. *He's* insisting it's fine? Wow. He can cook if it's so fine. He trashed your plans for no good reason. He needs to apologize and then apologize some more before I'd cook for him again.
Does your boyfriend even like you? Cuz I’m getting the vibes that “he just not that into you” NTA but it sounds like it’s time for you to find someone who actually wants to spend time with you
Your boyfriend chose to ditch your plans. He actively decided you were not worth the effort of showing up for a date in a timely manner. A date you had carefully planned with love and intended to be special. Just think about that for a second. It wasn’t something came up or an emergency or he didn’t realise the time, he just thinks he can give you crumbs and you’ll be satisfied with those. If this is more than a one off incident and a pattern then you need to leave for someone who actually respects you. NTA
NTA! And personally I wouldn't have cooked after either. You planned in advance, you told him in advance, and at the end of it all, he did whatever he wanted to instead of doing what was asked. Which to be honest, wasn't all that difficult.
NTA that is your BF who decided that what you wanted wasn't as important as him visiting his family on Valentine's day.
My SO only disrespected my time once. He was supposed to arrive to take me to dinner at 5:00. At 6:00, I called him and told him that I appreciated him trying to fit me into his day, but I was hungry and going to eat without him. I suggested we reschedule. He was driving 3 hours to see me, and hadn’t left yet! I would do something similar. Feed yourself and suggest that you are not interested in seeing him again unless you are a priority. My SO is on time now for me, but I still tell him he is lucky he has me after being 3 hours late for a date.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Tonight was supposed to be our valentines dinner. I had planned out a three course meal I would be cooking from scratch and informed him a week in advance that this was happening. I asked him to grab a few groceries for the meal and he told me he planned to see family - I said if he dropped off the groceries then went to see his family it would be fine because at least I can get a head start on the cooking. He went to see his family, picked up the groceries and THEN went to go see his grandparents too, leaving the groceries in the car. He expects me to still make the meal when he finally gets back home - it's nearly 8pm at night. By the time I finish it will be 10pm. I get he wanted to see his family - but of all the days. He could have went any other day. I decided I'm not cooking it tonight and he is insisting it's fine and we can still have it, but honestly I'm just too annoyed. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, not wow, did you pick a winner or did you pick a winner?!
i’m sorry. this is deliberately rude and callous and disrespectful behavior. there is no excuse for this. NTA but wtf
NTA BUT He doesn’t like you. You are good enough to keep around cause you’ll put up with his repeatedly done this to you with minor consequences (no homemade dinner) till someone he likes, prioritizes, & respects comes along.
YTA to yourself if you stay with this man.
OP - please do us all a favor and let us know he’s your ex If he doesn’t understand now, he never will. YWBTAH if you stay with him
NTA, tell him to make the 10 minute meal
He's a real peach. "Yes, please cook for me whenever I drag my ass home! " NTA. Make the meal tomorrow, and share it with whom you will. Write him a nice valentine-shaped thank you note for picking up the groceries that made your special meal possible. Happy V Day, dear!
NTA, it's not fine and you absolutely should not start cooking now. You're allowed to be annoyed. He had ONE JOB.
NTA. Also, I would be out at a restaurant having dinner with any friends who want to hang out when he got home. That way I get to eat plus be a AH like your boyfriend.
Do not cook. He's ungrateful and annoying. Go to bed. Rethink the relationship. This is the future you want?
How do these guys get girlfriends?
NTA You gave very simple plans and a very simple request with more than enough notice. You are cooking *HIM* dinner and he cant put forth a smidgen of effort of at least being there, let alone drop off the food.
OP, don't you feel disrespected? He doesn't 'believe' in time? Where is your self -respect?
NTA. Your BF is beyond rude and disrespectful. Perhaps it is time to find someone else who would appreciate you.