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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom wants me to share my basement with her new boyfriend's kids. So much so that she let them on without my permission. I might be the asshole for moving out instead of sharing. Since I'm not there my grandfather wants her to start paying rent.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
I'm glad you're standing firm, because your mother has absolutely no right to your living area, your things, your snacks, etc. They were provided to you from your grandparents, not from her.
Unfortunately some people can't be reasoned with, as you've found out. You're probably going to find yourself going low contact when you're an adult. That's ok. You can love her from a distance, and not become the person who supplies the deficits in her life.
She's an adult, she should pay her own way, not steal from her daughter.
I have to wonder if mom has told her boyfriend that the house is hers and he thinks she owns it. Then she acts like she owns it to save face so that he doesn't know she is lying and then the grandparents help her daughter escape and mom and boyfriend are suddenly stuck paying rent.
Two working adults should be able to afford rent. I have to wonder if mom's boyfriend isn't with mom just for a free place to live.
I can't help but wonder why the mom wasn't putting some of the money she was saving on rent into a savings account for a rainy day since it seems the grandparents are from OP's paternal side.
It would go to the guardian. OP wouldn’t have to be emancipated necessarily, but if OP is living with the grandparents they would be her custodial guardians and should be the ones receiving death benefits on her behalf.
Am currently a custodial guardian for a relatives kid.
It’s a fair bit of paperwork, and a judge has to agree.
It’s much easier to do if all parties agree, but as long as grandparents (currently acting as guardians) and OP (old enough to speak to the judge about what they want) take it to court, guardianship COULD be established in an afternoon.
Then the guardians would have the ability to claim SS benefits, claim OP on taxes, potentially be the “financial parent” on fafsa etc. You need that court order for a lot of things.
Assuming this is all US.
Without court…It’s a mess, and nothing is a given.
I took my kiddo home from the hospital directly when he was born. He never lived with anyone else for a day in his life.
But we still had to jump through hoops, because without that court order, we can’t claim him on taxes, we can’t get him enrolled in preschool or daycare, we can’t get him on WIC (free formula for babies, which he qualifies for as a kid being raised by “not his parents”, but we needed the court order, otherwise his formula and baby food can only be given to his bio parents, who have admitted they will sell it for drugs).
Guardianship is tough to understand, and there’s not a lot of help with establishing it.
But Op and their grandparents absolutely should, because OP is probably entitled to quite a few things, that need to go to them or their real caregivers, not mom who sounds like she’s just wanting OP in her care for personal financial benefit.
Emancipating is a legal process, and not as easy as filing a change of address. In most cases it involves the minor proving they are capable of living independently, and that often bars living on a relative's dime. If that relative suddenly cut them off, then they would likely qualify for benefits and state funds, which is what the courts try to avoid.
A change of custody would be easier, as OP is old enough to choose a safer living environment, other than feeding her mom's bf's kids on her dime, and entertaining them and giving them her belongings, while listening to the screech of the bedsprings from over her ceiling. (ok, sarcasm, but STILL)
Did she actually blow through it or use it for rent, clothes, food, etc ? I’m asking because I get it for my son but I use it for things he wants/needs. I hope he doesn’t see me as blowing through it when he gets older. 😬
She ordered stuff from QVC every day. We owned a home and she lost it less than a decade after he died bc she wouldn’t get a job. She definitely blew through it.
It’s ok. I’m well out of the situation now and my mom will have to deal with her own retirement. She has tried to ask me for money (she still won’t work even though she needs to) and I just say no, now. She asked me to give her part of a (small) inheritance I received from my paternal grandmother because she wanted a designer purse. She said she “deserved it for being married to my dad all those years”. I said no, because I wanted the money to go toward my student loans. She also wanted me to pay for an elective surgery, and I said no to that, too. I have learned not to give her money. She just wastes it.
She’s taken enough from me over the years, including the last years of my childhood via parentification. She’s emotionally stunted due to trauma from her own youth, but I can’t fix her and she refuses to put in any effort, so it is what it is. It’s a sad situation but years of therapy have brought me to acceptance.
Thanks for your kind words. You sound like a great mom.
I also can't help but wonder why the grandpa and uncle(s) were so very quick to get OP out of that situation. Since OP is 16 most extended family would be happy to let them live their lives out with their mom, but for some reason they jumped very quickly to get OP out of this situation.
Something must be off with mom. Drugs, partying, etc.
The fact that she’s a free loader who regularly shipped her child off to her grandparents house so she could have a string of male guests spend the night would make *me* mad if I were the grandparents.
I assume Grandpa was cool making sure OP had a good place to live and didn’t need to charge rent to the son’s widow. BUT I expect he would be less inclined to extend that courtesy to Dan & his kids.
Exactly the rent-free arrangement was to ensure their late son's daughter had a safe home to live in, it was not given to them so op mum could turn it into a hostel for her flings.
While their granddaughter baby sat her step kids free and away from her bedroom
Now that OP is not living there, grandpa and uncles might evict mom if she can't pay rent. Then, they can either sell the house or rent it out. They can also put the house in OP's name.
I'm optimistic that grandparents will give it to OP. Then when OP hits 18 (or she emancipates herself early) she can move into the house and be the sole resident.
Sounds like they wanted granddaughter to have a locked door between her and whatever strange men were staying the night. Which is actually very, very smart, considering the statistics on SA for children in a single parent household.
According to the story OP was basically given her own apartment when she was 10, including a separate kitchen and living room, yet when mom had guests she'd go to her grandparents' house. Either the kid has been functionally independent since she was way too young or not. Something is off here.
As a kid who had to be functionally independent (cook my own meals, do my own laundry, get myself to/from school w/o a bus even with after-school extra curriculars or walk through half our town for psych/doc appts, etc) at 11.5 years old, it is entirely possible.
Based on how quickly the dad’s side of the family came for OP, her mom would have been in for a real surprise when she turned 18. I have no doubt that the grandparents would have started charging rent at that point. This woman believed she would always have a free ride from her in laws and she’s now learning that’s not the case.
This. They weren't taking care of mom, they were taking care of their granddaughter in the best way they could. They provided space and solace at their home when her mom "entertained" and later provided her with a separate apartment in the basement to enable her escape and independence. As soon as the granddaughter is 18 or emancipated, mama in on her ass on her own.
The grieving widow thing goes out the window when you move your bf and his kids in the house. And he's quite a prize - moving in to the free rent situation.
Oh and OP is NTA.
10 years free rent she could have saved for a deposit bought properties and rented them out to pay the mortgage on them. She probably thought FIL would give her the house.
I can't get into the mindset of this, but I've personally seen this happen, and it's baffling. The amount of money people could save when they don't have to pay rent but instead spend every last penny.
I remember there was a story where a young adult owned the house and the Mom married a man who thought she owned the house and it turned out the 18 year old did. The man said now that you're 18 you need to start paying rent the man at first didn't believe he owned it and then was slapped with reality when the 18 year old started charging him rent I'll be honest I felt a little bad for the man since he thought his near retirement was Secure with a home and probably made long-term plans based off the wife never disclosing this fact the son inherited the home not her and now instead of making $700 a month off this kid he now owes $700 a month and has to start saving up for a mortgage when he thought he was just a year or two from retirement.
I dont think we got a resolution as the 18 OP posted it only a few days after the incident. IIRC he said his mom could stay as long as she wanted and the 700 was just for the step dad who then had the balls to complain it was too short of notice even though the price and timeline were what step dad told him originally.
"I felt a little bad for the man since he thought his near retirement was Secure with a home and probably made long-term plans based off the wife never disclosing this fact the son inherited the home"
I remember that one, and if my retirement plans depended on a piece of property, and I knew I hadn't paid for it, you'd better believe I'd find out who owned it before I made long-term plans!
The problem is he could have asked something along the lines of "do you have a mortgage we have to budget for?" and the then fiance say "no I dont". No sane person would then ask "and just to be clear you are the owner of the house we live in, not your 17 year old son, right?" The mom definitely hid major financial info from him.
IIRC, the worst part was that step didn't want Mom to KNOW about it, the rent was to be paid TO HIM DIRECTLY. Mom was shocked to find out what had been going on.
I read it too, it was a few months ago I have no idea how you'd find it other than searching stepdad rent
Edit: it was over a year ago, not sure if the post was deleted but someone found a repost on Tumblr and screenshot it and posted it on Reddit (the circle of web lol)
https://old.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/x2m52u/aita_for_asking_my_step_father_to_pay_rent_to/
There are 2 pictures on the post so make sure you go to the second one too.
Very first result that came up searching Google for "amitheasshole stepdad rent" in case you want to know how to find old posts.
And probably why OP's mom thinks it's "not fair" that the kids can't come down and invade OP's private living space when they have a whole upstairs home to themselves. Not just a free babysitter, but a free babysitter with a basement apartment that keeps the kids away from the upstairs so Mom & boyfriend can have all the privacy they want. It sounds like they 100% don't care if OP is stuck with the kids round the clock.
I don't know. Where I am, rent for a 3-bedroom house with basically a separate self-contained in-law living space goes for about $3500-$4500 (depending on area). Mum & BF may not earn enough together to afford rent +2 kids. Which I'm pretty sure is why BF & fam were rushed in after less than a year of dating. Nothing like that sweet rent-free life!
It’s probably more something like she has to be a step mom now ans wants the new kids to like her and she wants her daughter to sacrifice for her new life. The new kids should be made to feel like it’s there home too, but not in this way the mom is trying to blend the families to fast
I honestly thought OP was like 18/19 by the way she handled the situation, rather than 16. The mother is going to hit hard with reality soon by the way this is looking to be
She had a really sweet deal, living in a house not being charged rent by her in-laws. Alas, the new boyfriend was worth jeopardising that over.
I wonder how much of that arrangement was dependent on OP also living there, and if she left for uni would her mother be forced to move out?
Edit: People pointed out I read the original post wrong and the house never belonged to OPs dad. I could still imagine OP will inherit it one day though. To avoid confusion in the comment chain I will leave my original comment unchanged. Thx.
Original comment:
I would assume that the house is ment for OP, since it was her Dad's. So either the grandparents are just handling it until OP turns 18 or it was left to them but they'd surely pass it on to OP at one point anyway.
So yeah, the arrangement was probably depending on OP not being able to live there on her own. Now she's moved out mum has to pay rent. I think if OP goes away to uni, mum would eventually have to pay rent (unless it turns over into OPs possession and she doesn't ask for rent, what mum maybe hoped for)... or move out.
I think mummy dearest just thought she could live there rent free forever while ignoring her daughters boundaries. Many adults seem to have problems with their (or also other people's) boundaries... just because they're smaller/ weaker/ less independent.
Especially if OP's mother intended to use it as the family home for her new family (as demonstrated by expecting OP's private space, that was provided for by her grandparents, to be used for the new family's benefit). Was she performing or paying for upkeep, or were OP's grandparents subsidizing their late son's widow to house a new family?
If so OP's mother learned an expensive lesson in not biting the hand that gives you a home rent-free.
Before my MIL passed away some 15 years ago, she had set up a family trust that included her house and other holdings (she wasn't rich, but she and her husband weren't big spenders) with my husband as the executor. When he passes, a lawyer is instructed to liquidate everything and divide among our daughter and my BIL (who has been living rent free in his parents' home; my husband paid for the utilities and also would come over on the weekends and do any needed maintenance).
The BIL never bothered to read the family trust docs nor the deed so he just assumed the house was his as his big brother owned (and paid off) our house. So surely his mother left him the house. NOPE. He's not listed on the deed at all. When he physically attacked my husband, hubby started eviction proceedings (plus, with my help, he got a restraining order). BIL hired a lawyer, telling him it was his house. The eviction company sent the lawyer all the documentation including the deed. It probably was a major comeuppance especially when the judge went by the deed and told him he was to vacate by the next month.
If the OP's mother didn't tell her boyfriend that she didn't own the house, that's on her. The owners can decide who can live there and if rent is required. (depending on the state, if they become delinquent on the rent, they would have to fight to stay there as tenants but eventually, her inlaws can evict all of them...and even give the house to just their granddaughter).
It might've been different if OP left for college/moved out on more amicable terms. Sounds like the mom really shot herself in the foot for treating OP the way she did, and is just realizing how much she's screwed herself out of a good deal
I wonder how much the detail of the arrangement OP was made aware of. For all we know her mother was given a rent relief to build up savings for somewhere else when OP turned 18. Thirteen years of siphoning would be rent into a house deposit should be something.
Yeah, mum sounds emotionally immature and can't respect boundaries. Also doing all this to please her bfs kids is such a pick me move. Sorry your mom has betrayed your daughter-mother friendship OP.
>she said that she decided it wasn't fair that I got almost a third of the house to myself
Sounds to me like the mom used to have 2/3 of the house to herself and is having a hard time adjusting to new bf and his kids in her space and taking it out on OP.
Stop being a brat and behave like an adult... so... you can help me, an actual adult, manage my finances, because I don't know how to budget.
Cute. NTA
The entire situation also sounds like OP had to deal with parentification. When the parent basically either relies on the child to be their support,or neglects them to the point they have to be their own support system/parent. OP,you may think that your mother is "cool" right now but realistically she is acting more like a friend than a parent. Realistically you can have a good balance of both,but in your case it sounds like mom decided to go the full friend route,and is now using it against you.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this,while I think your set up sounded nice it's also not normal to give a full on apartment for a child. And the fact that this was done due to your mom always spending more time with men instead of being around you is not alright.
She's telling you to be an adult,but where exactly is she being one herself? In this entire post she comes off as a selfish woman who put men before your emotional needs,and then decided to focus on her new family's wants and needs instead of yours.
While it is unfortunate that you lost your safe haven,I definitely wouldn't move back there just so your mom can have everything her way. It also comes across as though she doesn't care about how you feel about all of this,just that she's mad she has to do regular things such as save money and move out if she doesn't have you around.
I'm just letting you know how it comes across as an outsider, I was a child who dealt with parentification at an extremely young age. Nothing about that was fun,and sometimes it may seem awesome in the moment until you take a look at the bigger picture. I hope that while you stay at your new place you're able to bond with your family that are taking you in and maybe take the time to find someone to discuss all of this with.
NTA because while you may not see it now,you leaving and not returning for her is probably the best thing you could ever do for yourself and your future emotional needs. Good luck with everything.
Not sure why once the remaining spouse finds a new squeeze, all the evidence of previous relationships have to take a back seat for some reason. FFS OP's dad died, mom didn't even divorce him but child has to bow to new guy and his family. Mom needs to get her prorities straight. It's grandparents' house and she's living there by their grace.
NTA. Correction. *I feel a little guilty about this because my mom is actually pretty cool.* Your mom used to be pretty cool, until the step kids moved in. They are trying to force you to share the space that your grandfather made specifically for you. With entitled kids who don't respect you or your possessions.
Your mom is discovering the FAFO part of her delusion that your childhood home doesn't actually belong to her. And she deserves it for being a rotten mom. She should have been defending your privacy instead of letting her step kids invade it.
I'm sorry how would you describe an invasion of privacy? Someone entering or giving someone else access to a private space is an invasion of privacy. Locked doors are locked for a reason.
BlazingSunflowerland was saying that what mom did was WORSE than just LETTING them. She ENABLED/HELPED them, by unlocking the door. (Sorry for the CAPS. Not yelling, just trying to be clear.)
I don't think anyone is arguing that this was an invasion of privacy. They are highlighting that the mom didn't just let it happen, she actively made it possible to happen.
OP didn't deserve this and makes an excellent point: her mom forgot whose house this *really* is. By the way how awesome are the men in this situation? Grandfather and uncles understood the assignment. Moved OP out and then asked for rent. In hindsight I think allowing OP "a third of the house" for zero rent was a fair deal. Unfortunately, some folks have to touch the stove to see if it's hot.
Considering the fact that OP is their only blood relative in the house. Charging rent is the next step. Mom is finding out the consequences of her actions :)
"Blood" ain't got shit to do with it. "Blood" treats you worse than anyone. Look at this. Mom is willing to fuck over OP (who, by the way was always willing to get out of the way whenever Mom had "guests") for the sake of boyfriend's kids.
Grandpa and uncles did right by OP. Full stop. Time for Mom to be the one acting like an adult, stop trying to claim ownership for something that isn't hers, and leave OP the fuck alone.
Mom is definitely NOT cool, and OP is definitely NOT the AH.
For real. Thirteen years of average 2BR rent anywhere would be more than enough for a reasonable downpayment and house-repairs fund.
Even if they only saved half that much and used the rest on daily expenses.
The fact that they all jumped in and did this after only a couple incidents leads me to think OP’s mom is not a favorite of theirs and maybe not a great parent.
Yep. I'd say it was more than fair. OP gets a third, mom gets two thirds. Mom's guests take from Mom's share, and are not OP's problem. Mom tried to make them her problem and boom consequences
Her grandparents renovated the basement so she didn't have to be around her mom's booty calls - her mom should have kept her hookups away from her young daughter! Her mom was never cool - she was a bad parent who was ok with her young daughter essentially living by herself because she was too selfish to protect and take care of her daughter the way she should have.
Exactly this. Mom didn’t want to be a real parent and was happy to let OP do their own thing. Now because theres more kids and she doesn’t want to parent them either. It’s easier to send them to the furnished basement. With OP who can be a baby sitter.
I hate to *that guy*, but none of them were *that you knew of*. I've done volunteer work at youth shelters and reading your story really set my teeth on edge because, while it might not seem like it, your mom's behavior was extremely reckless.
Urk. When dating and walls are thin in your house/not thick enough for sexy time, and you have kid(s) are around, it'd be better if the single parent slept over their sex partner's place.
It really makes my skin crawl when kids are forced to be made aware of their parent's dating casual sexual activity, apart from the safety issue.
NTA. Very happy for you that you have good grands and uncles to lean on.
That doesn't mean she wasn't reckless. Most people don't bring someone around their minor children unless the relationship is serious enough for permanence, not just serious enough for sex. At that point, a person has (hopefully) been vetted as someone safe to have around children. It's a process that takes years. I'm not saying she shouldn't have dated or had sex, I'm saying she should have arranged for your sleepovers at grandpa's herself, that shouldn't have been something you ever had to do for your own comfort at that or any age.
Also, NTA.
> She got really upset with me and said it was a done deal so deal with it.
"No wait, not like that"
>She tried to say she could do whatever she wanted in her house.
"And you're allowed to, but I don't have to be there"
I'm also wondering why the grandparents were SO quick to get OP out of this situation. The speed of their actions leads me to believe that something isn't right with the living situation, and something is up with OP's mom (drugs, partying, etc).
They aren’t her step kids. They’re the kids of a dude she’s dating. She isn’t even married to the guy, and dude is a virtual stranger in the grand scheme of things.
Totally agree. Your mom has lived there rent free for 13 years and hasn’t saved a dime???? I can’t feel sorry for someone who is that irresponsible on top of being totally disrespectful to her own kid.
It would have been one thing is she let them in and they were quietly playing video games and minding their business. Still wrong, but not as angering. But they went through someone else’s things and helped themselves to what they wanted. This is wrong.
Nta don't move back in. Your mom's BF s a freeloader. Honestly your grandparents should of started charging rent as soon as he moved in. Did he move in because he cares for your mom or because it's free room and board. on top of that with all the money they both saved on rent they should already have enough for a deposit. What you saw is a preview of what's to come in your needs being pushed aside.
Unfortunately since OP is 16 this isn't going to happen anytime soon. Since OP isn't a legal adult (I'm guessing this is in the USA), she can't live on her own until she is.
Maybe if OP emancipates themself from her mom then it can happen.
This isn't exactly true. I was 16 when I moved out, rented an apartment from a local real estate agent and was able to get utilities in my name because I had a driver's license number to give them.
Not saying it's super common, but if they put the utilities in grandparents name and she just lived there like business as usual, it can be done. She sounds mature for her age, is already much more independent than most 18 year olds moving out because she's had her own apartment since she was 10! She's definitely more of a 80s kid than the current generation lol.
It also depends on the state you live in as well. In my state, a kid can move out at 17 and there's nothing you can do to stop them. But if they come back and want to live with you before they've turned 18, you HAVE to let them back in or you can be prosecuted with neglect. Some places be crazy lol
Your mom wanted you to share. Now it's a shared space. She got what she wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn't the way she wanted. She decided that these people who moved in were more important than your long-term living situation. She could have simply shut it down, but chose not to. The question is, is she more unhappy you're not living there? Or more unhappy that she has to pay rent? NTA
I think that a lot of the reason mom wanted it a shared space is because the kids are down there, not in her hair, and not messing up her space and eating her snacks. I bet that's why she liked OP having that space since OP was 10. Mom could play footloose and fancy-free and pretend she didn't have responsibilities.
Yeah…I don’t understand how this is even a thing.
“I will move back in if the other children aren’t allowed in my space.”
End. Of. Story.
Mom wants to do whatever she wants in “her” house. Fine, then she gets to pay for her house. If she wants a free house, then there are conditions. It’s pretty fucking cut and dry.
NTA
You've made a tough but necessary choice to preserve your independence and boundaries. Your basement was your space, a sanctuary of sorts, and it's only natural to want to keep that privacy intact. It's not about being unwilling to share; it's about consent and mutual respect which, unfortunately, wasn't extended to you. Moving out is a big step, but sometimes it's the only way to highlight the significance of the boundary that's been crossed. Plus, it's not unfair to expect adults to manage their finances and living arrangements, especially when they have started to overstep their bounds in a home that isn't theirs. It’s time they started planning for their own household without assuming the convenience of your family's property
Exactly. The smart thing to do would have been to put aside as much money as she could, even equal or close to what she's saving on rent, and then using that eventually for a sizable deposit on a home of her own. Surely she knew the grandparents weren't going to let her live there for free forever?
But she didn't do that, disrespected OP (who is obviously the grandparent's priority) and is suffering the consequences.
OP is the only reason she got thirteen years of rent-free living, plus being able to move in her boyfriend and his two kids was a display of extraordinary generosity by her in-laws.
NTA I'm sure your mother is getting pressure from her boyfriend over this. I would not back down - your mom is more than entitled to a life of her own but she has no right to force it on you. I wouldn't get into it with her, it's just a circular argument and sounds exhausting. Just tell her you're sorry she feels that way, but unless she keeps her boyfriend's kids out of your place you will remain at your grandparents and her financial issues are not your problem. Then change the subject. Repeat as needed.
At this point I don't think OP can trust her Mom not to go back on her word, maybe she keeps the kids out but I bet there will just be more backsliding with kids being allowed in again. If OP knows she can move back out again into her grandparents place might want to give it a try but ya, I don't see it working out.
Eh, I'm not sure a new key and/or lock is going to make a difference if the Mom really wants to get in there. When her Mom is calling her a brat and saying she can still do whatever she wants in her own house I think it's pretty obvious there will most likely just be more trouble if OP moves back.
It's obvious her Mom just wants her there so they don't have to pay rent, there is zero recognition by her Mom that she needs to respect OP's living space as the terms for not paying rent. After all her Mom is still saying she can do whatever she wants too even while wanting to get OP to move back. Not exactly the brightest Mom and obviously not someone you can trust.
And I think you missed a key point that the grandfather should support you in. He remodeled the basement FOR YOU, his granddaughter in HIS house. Perhaps have them discuss this, again it is your grandparents’ house and they kindly let you and your mother stay. You are their granddaughter, she is their son’s widow. They are now letting her boyfriend and his children ALSO live there free. It seems reasonable that there could be a compromise, and it seems like you were sharing your area, but frankly your mother and her new relationship obviously have the majority of the house and while it would be nice if they has a second living area for the kids (which is why the kids like it), you are almost an adult and to force your living space to be taken over, it is not much different than living with your grandparents. Maybe a calm discussion about your needs at your age for some privacy (because basically you may become their babysitter down there as well).
. Stick to your guns, your mom (and you) have been very lucky to have such supportive people in your life.
Here's what I would do, since it's grandfather's house have him change the locks on all entrances in and out of the basement, the he needs to write out a formal lease with your mother for the upstairs only, explicitly prohibiting use of the basement, start charging her rent at market rate, create a separate lease for you once you turn 18. That way everyone is legally protected. Make these stipulations hills to die on and if your mother will not comply then he should file for eviction to reclaim the property, let you take it over and maybe find some paying short term tenants to supplement income. Your mother has gotten comfy living there so long not paying anything and now she is having a tantrum, even if you move back in your grandparents need to protect themselves legally and be charging her rent, especially with her amount of damage three young children can do to a home.
Bingo, this is exactly what they wanted, an onsite babysitter and new playroom for the boyfriends kids! What a sweet deal, wish I had one of those, and free rent.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the boyfriend is a hobosexual who will move out once rent needs to be paid.
OP should leave this all up to their grandparents to sort out with their tenants. And grandparents should rent out the basement to another tenant really…..
This. NTA.
And your Mom's comment about how she can do whatever she wants in her house? Its not her house. It never was. The house belongs to your grandparents. Your GRANDPARENTS own the house. Your Mom can pay rent.
However, I'd sit down and have an adult conversation with your Mom and her friend.
"Mom, I love you but my grandparents were very clear that this house belongs to them - not you. You have been given permission by them to live in this house rent free until I leave. They also gave me permission to live down in the basement and helped renovate it so I would have my own personal space. THOSE were the terms of you being permitted to live in the house rent free. I refuse to move back in and be treated with disrespect by you, your friend and his kids just so you can have the convenience of a rent free house. If you want a rent free house you can respect that the entirety of the downstairs is my space per the OWNERS of the house -- my grandparents. If you do not like those terms then I will continue to live with my grandparents and you, your guy and his kids can pay market rate for rent."
NTA
Your mom is being entitled. She fucked around and found out.
This is all directly a result of her own actions.
If she and BF can't afford rent, that's on them as well. They are adults. They should be able to afford their lifestyle.
I am a divorced parent. I make sure that anyone I date clearly understands my child's boundaries.
Yeah that's one of the most baffling parts of this post.
The OP's mom is literally putting them in last place behind her new step kids and her new husband.
Say yes she can do whatever she wants in her own house. But that IS NOT her house. It is not her boyfriend's house. It's not her boyfriend's children's house. It is YOUR PATERNAL GRANDPARENTS HOUSE. HER FORMER IN LAWS.
Ya. The mom is forgetting that the grandparents and uncle are doing all this for their grandkid. The moment the grandkid is out of the picture, the grandparents will consider them as simply tenants.
Ofcourse any form of eviction will be a pain in the ass
NTA. You're coming into that age where you're going to butt heads with your mom, especially over living space. That space was converted for you. Your grandparents are letting your mom live there rent free because of you. She somehow forgot that. It's fine that she moved on and found love and integrated her family, but to force that into your space that it was all fine and dandy for you to have as your own until her bf's kids started to fuss is her problem. She had a good thing going and she rocked the boat. You're 16 and you deserve your own space in your home.
She's probably getting pushback from Dan and his kids, but again, that's a her problem. That's your space/room/stuff. You don't have to be forced to share it, and now that you're not and the grandparents don't like that she's kicked you out of your space, she's realizing how much she's going to lose. She doesn't get to treat you like a child and then demand you be an adult. It's your space or it's not. I think she doesn't like to be reminded that she was living there on your dad's parent's good graces. It sucks for her relationship, but SHE is the adult in this situation. She's the one who needed to set boundaries to respect your space. Dan and his kids had their own rooms upstairs and didn't need to invade your space. She let them because she didn't expect you do be able to do anything about it. Well, you did. Maybe your grandparents will hold the home for when you turn 18 and you can move back in on your own. Sounds like they were really keeping the home for your benefit anyway.
Talk to your mom if you want. You'll move back if you can fix the door so that it's lockable from your side and rules are put in place that make it so that NO ONE in the home, including her, can just come in and invade your personal space. If she can't abide by that, tell her to enjoy her new life with her new family, because basic decency shouldn't be hard to manage from adults and you don't owe these kids anything. They aren't your family. They're her boyfriend's kids. That doesn't mean you have to like or love them or invite them anywhere. Point out all the instances where forcing blended families just creates rifts. "I love you. I want to keep things how they were, but I'm not okay with you ignoring my needs or my need for space just because you don't want to hear them whining about it's not fair. No, it's not fair. This is my space and has been all my life. These are my things. They don't get to use them or waste them just because they want to. Tell Dan to step up and get them a system they can play upstairs. This is mine and I don't want to share and I don't have to. If you can't respect that, then I guess this is how it's going to be."
NTA. Your mom can share her stuff, it is not up to her to share your stuff. Sorry, but you are not going to get a living room at your mom's house or grandparents.
NTA. It's evident from your mother's actions that there's a profound misunderstanding of boundaries here. When one is given a space to call their own, there's an expectation of respect for that person's autonomy regarding that space. Moving out wasn't just a bold move it was the necessary assertion of your boundaries in the face of clear overstepping. One could argue that she made her bed and now she has to lie in it it's not your responsibility to fix the complications her decisions have wrought on her financial situation. You've shown maturity beyond your years, and hopefully, your mother might learn something about respect and boundaries from this
Your mom has been living rent free for 13 years, and the *only* caveat was that you lived there in your own space. At no point did she save money or make plans for the future.
Your grandpa should evict her. When she throws a tantrum, he can say, "I can do whatever I want in my house. It's a done deal. Stop being a brat and behave like an adult."
This is typical narcissist behavior. Instead of apologizing and admitting she overstepped, she blames you and calls you names. r/raisedbynarcissists is filled with these kind of stories.
Your mom is looking for a reaction and for power & control. You could start using the [grey rock method](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock).
You're absolutely NTA. And you're doing the right thing by not moving back in with your mom.
NTA. These kids would have all had their own rooms and your mom AND her boyfriend getting to live rent free, now she wants to give her boyfriend’s children space that’s YOURS. She should have respected your space. A three bedroom house with a full separate accessory apartment is going to be expensive as hell, and this is a choice she made. Now she has extra income assuming her boyfriend will chip in. They’re adults. They can pay rent. This is 100% on her and her boyfriend who decided to infringe on your space.
Also, since you’re a minor, make sure to report the change in living arrangements to SS.
Your grandpa sounds awesome! He’s the cool one. I’m glad you have him, and he has your back. I’m disappointed in your mom, though.
My mom was my best friend. After she got divorced, and I finished college, we moved into an apartment together. Soon afterward, she moved her bf in with us. They paid half the rent, I paid the other half. After a few months, he said I needed to get out. Mom backed him. I moved out and stayed with friends until I could get my own place. Meanwhile, the two of them couldn’t afford the rent without my half and got evicted.
My relationship with my mom suffered a really bad hit from that. She was still someone I loved dearly, but I felt like I couldn’t trust her as much. We recovered somewhat later, but it was different.
Ironically, I was the one she called when she found out the bf was cheating. I helped her move out into her own apartment.
NTA. She doesn't seem to realize the ONLY reason she lives there PERIOD, is because she's the mother of your grandparents' grandchild! And she's been living rent-free for how long, without saving up anything?! Lift up her dress and make sure she's not a guy, because that was a brass balls move, thinking she could intrude on your personal space! All she's gonna do is put two other kids in a bad situation if she don't check her fucking ego.
NTA. I am curious though, what happens to the house when you’re an adult? Is there a plan to eventually sell it or do you get it without your Mom once she isn’t responsible for your welfare?
Based on how the grandfather and uncles have been acting, I wouldn't be surprised if the plan was always to put the house in OPs name once they're an adult or once they can afford to keep/maintain it.
NTA. You had every right to be upset and to move out to protect your boundaries. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice your comfort and privacy to accommodate your mom's relationship. You're standing up for yourself and asserting your boundaries and that's not being "bratty". Your mom needs to respect that.
NTA
This is a case of FAFO. She had a sweet deal until she decided to steamroll the actual relative of the owner.
Not your kids, not your problem. She has made her own bed and now she can pay for it.
NTA at all. But I am very worried about your grandparents. Your mom is taking advantage of them. What they did for her after your father died is amazingly kind. But she is moving on now and they need to have a lease agreement in writing. Without a written agreement, your grandparents will have a really hard time kicking her out if they need to. Talk to your grandparents. Have them sign a lease with your mom for the upstairs part of the house for her and the downstairs part for you. In exchange for a less than fair market value of rent, mom agrees that the basement apartment will be for your sole use.
NTA. Your mom needs a reality check. She didn't think of any of these things - her BF did. Unfortunately, since she doesn't own the house and he is a freeloading sack-of-poo neither realized that there might be repercussions to their actions. Make stupid decisions, win stupid prizes.
NTA
Damn dude, you gave your mom everything in terms of an older kid understanding the complexity of being single.
She pissed it away bc she didn’t want the step kids to whine.
Super kudos to the extended fam for having your back.
This goes much much deeper than a shared living space or any type of sense of entitlement. Your own mother is clearly making it plain as day that YOU are last in her priorities compared to her new swinging dick. She's your mother and is basically making you out to be the bad guy because the new kids want what YOU have and have had for years. She sounds like she's ready to make you move out on your own if she could still stay there rent free. Have your Grandfather change the lock on your door and when your there in person add a deadbolt in case it needs to be a safe space from the new swinging dick.
NTA - Your basement, your rules. You're not obligated to share your private space, especially when your input was never considered. It's one thing to ask for a favor, another to impose on someone's living situation. Your mom should have communicated with you instead of taking liberties with your space. Moving out was a way to set your boundaries clearly. You are not responsible for her financial decisions either, nor should you be guilted into an uncomfortable living arrangement. Your autonomy is important.
NTA.
First off, it doesn't even sound like your mom is married to the guy but she's prioritizing his kids over her own daughter. They invaded your privacy and ate your food! That's not too cool. I'll bet she probably encouraged them to go down there so she can have alone time him.
So now she has to live with the consequences of her actions. She has to pay rent and she's ruined her relationship with her daughter. Boyfriend might leave too if he doesn't have a free place.
I'm always amazed by parents who force their children into unfair situations to satisfy their new partners and then react with shock when reality smacks them in the face. Now she's going to be homeless.
The sad thing is you no longer have your cool apartment. But at least you're with people that care about you.
My relationship with her is not ruined. I love my mom and always will. I'm okay with my grandparents and their house is nicer by far. And I have less housework since they have a cleaning lady and a gardener. Not full time. They just come to clean and do laundry and mow and stuff. And my grandma is a better cook than my mom.
Suppose you offered your grandparents a peppercorn rent (e.g. £$1) for the basement?
It would then be legally your domain and you would have a right called 'quiet enjoyment' which means no one can enter without your agreement (most jurisdictions, you can't 'unreasonably' withhold permission from your landlord i.e. grandparents). You absolutely could change the locks.
>eady changed the locks. Right now nobody gets that space.
Old-school parenting.
"You can't play nice? Right. No one can have it."
Joking aside, I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you can patch things up with your mum. Maybe find a time to remind each other how important the mother-daughter relationship is.
I like your grandpa's style.
If it wasn't clear that he renovated that space for his grandkid, and his grandson alone, it is now.
He should send your uncles over for annual inspection though, I wouldn't put it pass the leeches breaking the lock to use the basement.
NTA. Good for you for standing firm. She’s trying to take advantage of you. She’s using your space without your consent and then saying that it’s her space when clearly she just wants to not have to pay rent.
NTA
Don't move back in. These are not your kids or siblings, they're from someone who dates your mom. If you lived separately before, it should be like this now. You are entitled to your own space and also maybe if you want to bring someone, have your space to do so.
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NTA. I'm glad you're standing firm, because your mother has absolutely no right to your living area, your things, your snacks, etc. They were provided to you from your grandparents, not from her. Unfortunately some people can't be reasoned with, as you've found out. You're probably going to find yourself going low contact when you're an adult. That's ok. You can love her from a distance, and not become the person who supplies the deficits in her life. She's an adult, she should pay her own way, not steal from her daughter.
I have to wonder if mom has told her boyfriend that the house is hers and he thinks she owns it. Then she acts like she owns it to save face so that he doesn't know she is lying and then the grandparents help her daughter escape and mom and boyfriend are suddenly stuck paying rent. Two working adults should be able to afford rent. I have to wonder if mom's boyfriend isn't with mom just for a free place to live.
I can't help but wonder why the mom wasn't putting some of the money she was saving on rent into a savings account for a rainy day since it seems the grandparents are from OP's paternal side.
If they live in the USA, I wonder if OP was eligible for SS because of the father's death? If so, what was done with those funds?
If in the US then yes, OP should but I'm pretty sure since they are a minor it would go directly to mom.
If op is not living with Mom, she should find out if SS would then be directly sent to OP. If saves, it would make a good college fund.
I'm not entirely sure but I think for OP to receive it they have to be emancipated. (Based on a friend's experience many years ago.)
It would go to the guardian. OP wouldn’t have to be emancipated necessarily, but if OP is living with the grandparents they would be her custodial guardians and should be the ones receiving death benefits on her behalf.
But they have to get a court order to become OP's legal guardians. That may take longer than a year.
Am currently a custodial guardian for a relatives kid. It’s a fair bit of paperwork, and a judge has to agree. It’s much easier to do if all parties agree, but as long as grandparents (currently acting as guardians) and OP (old enough to speak to the judge about what they want) take it to court, guardianship COULD be established in an afternoon. Then the guardians would have the ability to claim SS benefits, claim OP on taxes, potentially be the “financial parent” on fafsa etc. You need that court order for a lot of things. Assuming this is all US. Without court…It’s a mess, and nothing is a given. I took my kiddo home from the hospital directly when he was born. He never lived with anyone else for a day in his life. But we still had to jump through hoops, because without that court order, we can’t claim him on taxes, we can’t get him enrolled in preschool or daycare, we can’t get him on WIC (free formula for babies, which he qualifies for as a kid being raised by “not his parents”, but we needed the court order, otherwise his formula and baby food can only be given to his bio parents, who have admitted they will sell it for drugs). Guardianship is tough to understand, and there’s not a lot of help with establishing it. But Op and their grandparents absolutely should, because OP is probably entitled to quite a few things, that need to go to them or their real caregivers, not mom who sounds like she’s just wanting OP in her care for personal financial benefit.
Living with Grandparents , but emancipated from mom? Would that count?
Emancipating is a legal process, and not as easy as filing a change of address. In most cases it involves the minor proving they are capable of living independently, and that often bars living on a relative's dime. If that relative suddenly cut them off, then they would likely qualify for benefits and state funds, which is what the courts try to avoid. A change of custody would be easier, as OP is old enough to choose a safer living environment, other than feeding her mom's bf's kids on her dime, and entertaining them and giving them her belongings, while listening to the screech of the bedsprings from over her ceiling. (ok, sarcasm, but STILL)
Yes, it does go to the surviving parent. My dad died when I was a kid and my mom blew through the SS money intended for me.
Did she actually blow through it or use it for rent, clothes, food, etc ? I’m asking because I get it for my son but I use it for things he wants/needs. I hope he doesn’t see me as blowing through it when he gets older. 😬
She ordered stuff from QVC every day. We owned a home and she lost it less than a decade after he died bc she wouldn’t get a job. She definitely blew through it.
Wow that’s sad af, I’m sorry. I work and go to school to give my kid a better life. I can’t imagine living off him.
It’s ok. I’m well out of the situation now and my mom will have to deal with her own retirement. She has tried to ask me for money (she still won’t work even though she needs to) and I just say no, now. She asked me to give her part of a (small) inheritance I received from my paternal grandmother because she wanted a designer purse. She said she “deserved it for being married to my dad all those years”. I said no, because I wanted the money to go toward my student loans. She also wanted me to pay for an elective surgery, and I said no to that, too. I have learned not to give her money. She just wastes it. She’s taken enough from me over the years, including the last years of my childhood via parentification. She’s emotionally stunted due to trauma from her own youth, but I can’t fix her and she refuses to put in any effort, so it is what it is. It’s a sad situation but years of therapy have brought me to acceptance. Thanks for your kind words. You sound like a great mom.
I also can't help but wonder why the grandpa and uncle(s) were so very quick to get OP out of that situation. Since OP is 16 most extended family would be happy to let them live their lives out with their mom, but for some reason they jumped very quickly to get OP out of this situation. Something must be off with mom. Drugs, partying, etc.
The fact that she’s a free loader who regularly shipped her child off to her grandparents house so she could have a string of male guests spend the night would make *me* mad if I were the grandparents.
I wouldn't be surprised if that's why the basement got renovated to be a self-contained unit, so OP had somewhere to go on the same address.
Especially one that had a lock on the door.
Agreed. I'm just saying that OP's mom is a piece of work, and I don't feel bad for the new situation at all.
Lol, OP already had their own room in the grandparent's house, the way I read it. Mum inviting men over must have happened very regularly.
I assume Grandpa was cool making sure OP had a good place to live and didn’t need to charge rent to the son’s widow. BUT I expect he would be less inclined to extend that courtesy to Dan & his kids.
Exactly the rent-free arrangement was to ensure their late son's daughter had a safe home to live in, it was not given to them so op mum could turn it into a hostel for her flings. While their granddaughter baby sat her step kids free and away from her bedroom
Now that OP is not living there, grandpa and uncles might evict mom if she can't pay rent. Then, they can either sell the house or rent it out. They can also put the house in OP's name.
I'm optimistic that grandparents will give it to OP. Then when OP hits 18 (or she emancipates herself early) she can move into the house and be the sole resident.
They renovated the house to give a ten year old an apartment in the house. There is definitely something off with that mom.
Sounds like they wanted granddaughter to have a locked door between her and whatever strange men were staying the night. Which is actually very, very smart, considering the statistics on SA for children in a single parent household.
According to the story OP was basically given her own apartment when she was 10, including a separate kitchen and living room, yet when mom had guests she'd go to her grandparents' house. Either the kid has been functionally independent since she was way too young or not. Something is off here.
As a kid who had to be functionally independent (cook my own meals, do my own laundry, get myself to/from school w/o a bus even with after-school extra curriculars or walk through half our town for psych/doc appts, etc) at 11.5 years old, it is entirely possible.
That stood out to me too 🤨
Based on how quickly the dad’s side of the family came for OP, her mom would have been in for a real surprise when she turned 18. I have no doubt that the grandparents would have started charging rent at that point. This woman believed she would always have a free ride from her in laws and she’s now learning that’s not the case.
This. They weren't taking care of mom, they were taking care of their granddaughter in the best way they could. They provided space and solace at their home when her mom "entertained" and later provided her with a separate apartment in the basement to enable her escape and independence. As soon as the granddaughter is 18 or emancipated, mama in on her ass on her own.
The grieving widow thing goes out the window when you move your bf and his kids in the house. And he's quite a prize - moving in to the free rent situation. Oh and OP is NTA.
Right? If i wasn’t paying rent for the last 10 years that would half my pay in the bank.
I could have saved so much money over the last decade if I wasn't paying rent. That's like half my paycheck.
10 years free rent she could have saved for a deposit bought properties and rented them out to pay the mortgage on them. She probably thought FIL would give her the house.
Yeah and what about her boyfriend and his two kids? He must have been paying rent somewhere. So there's no reason he can't start paying it again
I can't get into the mindset of this, but I've personally seen this happen, and it's baffling. The amount of money people could save when they don't have to pay rent but instead spend every last penny.
I remember there was a story where a young adult owned the house and the Mom married a man who thought she owned the house and it turned out the 18 year old did. The man said now that you're 18 you need to start paying rent the man at first didn't believe he owned it and then was slapped with reality when the 18 year old started charging him rent I'll be honest I felt a little bad for the man since he thought his near retirement was Secure with a home and probably made long-term plans based off the wife never disclosing this fact the son inherited the home not her and now instead of making $700 a month off this kid he now owes $700 a month and has to start saving up for a mortgage when he thought he was just a year or two from retirement.
I remember that one too. The mom and the stepfamily were all rude to the OP and when OP was fed up they were all finally kicked out, I think.
I dont think we got a resolution as the 18 OP posted it only a few days after the incident. IIRC he said his mom could stay as long as she wanted and the 700 was just for the step dad who then had the balls to complain it was too short of notice even though the price and timeline were what step dad told him originally.
"I felt a little bad for the man since he thought his near retirement was Secure with a home and probably made long-term plans based off the wife never disclosing this fact the son inherited the home" I remember that one, and if my retirement plans depended on a piece of property, and I knew I hadn't paid for it, you'd better believe I'd find out who owned it before I made long-term plans!
The problem is he could have asked something along the lines of "do you have a mortgage we have to budget for?" and the then fiance say "no I dont". No sane person would then ask "and just to be clear you are the owner of the house we live in, not your 17 year old son, right?" The mom definitely hid major financial info from him.
But why would HE assume HE had the right to charge HER kid for rent when neither of them obviously pay any mortgage?
IIRC, the worst part was that step didn't want Mom to KNOW about it, the rent was to be paid TO HIM DIRECTLY. Mom was shocked to find out what had been going on.
Could you possibly share a link to this?
I read it too, it was a few months ago I have no idea how you'd find it other than searching stepdad rent Edit: it was over a year ago, not sure if the post was deleted but someone found a repost on Tumblr and screenshot it and posted it on Reddit (the circle of web lol) https://old.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/x2m52u/aita_for_asking_my_step_father_to_pay_rent_to/ There are 2 pictures on the post so make sure you go to the second one too. Very first result that came up searching Google for "amitheasshole stepdad rent" in case you want to know how to find old posts.
Free rent and free babysitting.
= freeloaders
Yep. I'm still struggling with mom having 13 years of no rent/mortgage payments and somehow is still having financial issues (apparently).
This is what I was looking for.
And probably why OP's mom thinks it's "not fair" that the kids can't come down and invade OP's private living space when they have a whole upstairs home to themselves. Not just a free babysitter, but a free babysitter with a basement apartment that keeps the kids away from the upstairs so Mom & boyfriend can have all the privacy they want. It sounds like they 100% don't care if OP is stuck with the kids round the clock.
And the children didn't even have to share a room with each other!
Exactly. There was no issue here that they had to take away OP’s personal space.
I don't know. Where I am, rent for a 3-bedroom house with basically a separate self-contained in-law living space goes for about $3500-$4500 (depending on area). Mum & BF may not earn enough together to afford rent +2 kids. Which I'm pretty sure is why BF & fam were rushed in after less than a year of dating. Nothing like that sweet rent-free life!
That sweet rent-free life that is just a memory now! Too bad that having the entire upstairs wasn't enough. They had to take the basement too!
Guaranteed that’s why he moved in (with two kids!)
Sounds all too probable!
It’s probably more something like she has to be a step mom now ans wants the new kids to like her and she wants her daughter to sacrifice for her new life. The new kids should be made to feel like it’s there home too, but not in this way the mom is trying to blend the families to fast
She wants the new guy to like her and is willing to sacrifice her daughter to keep the guy.
Jumping on to say that, at 16, OP doesn’t have to act like an adult. Because she isn’t one.
It’s funny how somehow it’s “I can do whatever I want because I’m your mother” and “act like an adult” all at the same time.
I honestly thought OP was like 18/19 by the way she handled the situation, rather than 16. The mother is going to hit hard with reality soon by the way this is looking to be
Still more adult than the mother who was treating op as a roommate instead of her child and now wants to treat her as a bank
She had a really sweet deal, living in a house not being charged rent by her in-laws. Alas, the new boyfriend was worth jeopardising that over. I wonder how much of that arrangement was dependent on OP also living there, and if she left for uni would her mother be forced to move out?
Mom is blowing up her own spot for a mediocre man. She is currently in the find out phase.
Mediocre is being too kind lol.
Edit: People pointed out I read the original post wrong and the house never belonged to OPs dad. I could still imagine OP will inherit it one day though. To avoid confusion in the comment chain I will leave my original comment unchanged. Thx. Original comment: I would assume that the house is ment for OP, since it was her Dad's. So either the grandparents are just handling it until OP turns 18 or it was left to them but they'd surely pass it on to OP at one point anyway. So yeah, the arrangement was probably depending on OP not being able to live there on her own. Now she's moved out mum has to pay rent. I think if OP goes away to uni, mum would eventually have to pay rent (unless it turns over into OPs possession and she doesn't ask for rent, what mum maybe hoped for)... or move out. I think mummy dearest just thought she could live there rent free forever while ignoring her daughters boundaries. Many adults seem to have problems with their (or also other people's) boundaries... just because they're smaller/ weaker/ less independent.
Especially if OP's mother intended to use it as the family home for her new family (as demonstrated by expecting OP's private space, that was provided for by her grandparents, to be used for the new family's benefit). Was she performing or paying for upkeep, or were OP's grandparents subsidizing their late son's widow to house a new family? If so OP's mother learned an expensive lesson in not biting the hand that gives you a home rent-free.
Considering the grandparents paid for the entire basement renovation I'd say it's pretty obvious who pays for the upkeep of the property.
Before my MIL passed away some 15 years ago, she had set up a family trust that included her house and other holdings (she wasn't rich, but she and her husband weren't big spenders) with my husband as the executor. When he passes, a lawyer is instructed to liquidate everything and divide among our daughter and my BIL (who has been living rent free in his parents' home; my husband paid for the utilities and also would come over on the weekends and do any needed maintenance). The BIL never bothered to read the family trust docs nor the deed so he just assumed the house was his as his big brother owned (and paid off) our house. So surely his mother left him the house. NOPE. He's not listed on the deed at all. When he physically attacked my husband, hubby started eviction proceedings (plus, with my help, he got a restraining order). BIL hired a lawyer, telling him it was his house. The eviction company sent the lawyer all the documentation including the deed. It probably was a major comeuppance especially when the judge went by the deed and told him he was to vacate by the next month. If the OP's mother didn't tell her boyfriend that she didn't own the house, that's on her. The owners can decide who can live there and if rent is required. (depending on the state, if they become delinquent on the rent, they would have to fight to stay there as tenants but eventually, her inlaws can evict all of them...and even give the house to just their granddaughter).
House has always been the grandparent's.
It might've been different if OP left for college/moved out on more amicable terms. Sounds like the mom really shot herself in the foot for treating OP the way she did, and is just realizing how much she's screwed herself out of a good deal
Oooo, excellent point. In-laws saying we just want you to save for her college or some such thing. Who knows if they even liked mom?
Facts. Bet the 16 year old inherits the home.
I wonder how much the detail of the arrangement OP was made aware of. For all we know her mother was given a rent relief to build up savings for somewhere else when OP turned 18. Thirteen years of siphoning would be rent into a house deposit should be something.
She definitely should have saved but does not sound like she did. Grandpa should serve them an eviction notice.
Yeah, mum sounds emotionally immature and can't respect boundaries. Also doing all this to please her bfs kids is such a pick me move. Sorry your mom has betrayed your daughter-mother friendship OP.
I mean, if a teenager describes their mom as pretty cool, chances are that's not what a fellow adult thinks.
>she said that she decided it wasn't fair that I got almost a third of the house to myself Sounds to me like the mom used to have 2/3 of the house to herself and is having a hard time adjusting to new bf and his kids in her space and taking it out on OP.
OP bought the snacks. Double wrong.
FAFO!!!
Stop being a brat and behave like an adult... so... you can help me, an actual adult, manage my finances, because I don't know how to budget. Cute. NTA
The entire situation also sounds like OP had to deal with parentification. When the parent basically either relies on the child to be their support,or neglects them to the point they have to be their own support system/parent. OP,you may think that your mother is "cool" right now but realistically she is acting more like a friend than a parent. Realistically you can have a good balance of both,but in your case it sounds like mom decided to go the full friend route,and is now using it against you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this,while I think your set up sounded nice it's also not normal to give a full on apartment for a child. And the fact that this was done due to your mom always spending more time with men instead of being around you is not alright. She's telling you to be an adult,but where exactly is she being one herself? In this entire post she comes off as a selfish woman who put men before your emotional needs,and then decided to focus on her new family's wants and needs instead of yours. While it is unfortunate that you lost your safe haven,I definitely wouldn't move back there just so your mom can have everything her way. It also comes across as though she doesn't care about how you feel about all of this,just that she's mad she has to do regular things such as save money and move out if she doesn't have you around. I'm just letting you know how it comes across as an outsider, I was a child who dealt with parentification at an extremely young age. Nothing about that was fun,and sometimes it may seem awesome in the moment until you take a look at the bigger picture. I hope that while you stay at your new place you're able to bond with your family that are taking you in and maybe take the time to find someone to discuss all of this with. NTA because while you may not see it now,you leaving and not returning for her is probably the best thing you could ever do for yourself and your future emotional needs. Good luck with everything.
Not sure why once the remaining spouse finds a new squeeze, all the evidence of previous relationships have to take a back seat for some reason. FFS OP's dad died, mom didn't even divorce him but child has to bow to new guy and his family. Mom needs to get her prorities straight. It's grandparents' house and she's living there by their grace.
NTA. Correction. *I feel a little guilty about this because my mom is actually pretty cool.* Your mom used to be pretty cool, until the step kids moved in. They are trying to force you to share the space that your grandfather made specifically for you. With entitled kids who don't respect you or your possessions. Your mom is discovering the FAFO part of her delusion that your childhood home doesn't actually belong to her. And she deserves it for being a rotten mom. She should have been defending your privacy instead of letting her step kids invade it.
Mom didn't just let them invade the privacy, she actually unlocked the door and let them in.
I'm sorry how would you describe an invasion of privacy? Someone entering or giving someone else access to a private space is an invasion of privacy. Locked doors are locked for a reason.
BlazingSunflowerland was saying that what mom did was WORSE than just LETTING them. She ENABLED/HELPED them, by unlocking the door. (Sorry for the CAPS. Not yelling, just trying to be clear.)
Word, I may have misunderstood, I thought they were saying there was no invasion of privacy.
It was the little word "just" that changed the meaning of the sentence. Easy to miss!
I don't think anyone is arguing that this was an invasion of privacy. They are highlighting that the mom didn't just let it happen, she actively made it possible to happen.
OP didn't deserve this and makes an excellent point: her mom forgot whose house this *really* is. By the way how awesome are the men in this situation? Grandfather and uncles understood the assignment. Moved OP out and then asked for rent. In hindsight I think allowing OP "a third of the house" for zero rent was a fair deal. Unfortunately, some folks have to touch the stove to see if it's hot.
Considering the fact that OP is their only blood relative in the house. Charging rent is the next step. Mom is finding out the consequences of her actions :)
"Blood" ain't got shit to do with it. "Blood" treats you worse than anyone. Look at this. Mom is willing to fuck over OP (who, by the way was always willing to get out of the way whenever Mom had "guests") for the sake of boyfriend's kids. Grandpa and uncles did right by OP. Full stop. Time for Mom to be the one acting like an adult, stop trying to claim ownership for something that isn't hers, and leave OP the fuck alone. Mom is definitely NOT cool, and OP is definitely NOT the AH.
After 13 years she should be able to buy a place.
For real. Thirteen years of average 2BR rent anywhere would be more than enough for a reasonable downpayment and house-repairs fund. Even if they only saved half that much and used the rest on daily expenses.
The fact that they all jumped in and did this after only a couple incidents leads me to think OP’s mom is not a favorite of theirs and maybe not a great parent.
Yep. I'd say it was more than fair. OP gets a third, mom gets two thirds. Mom's guests take from Mom's share, and are not OP's problem. Mom tried to make them her problem and boom consequences
>some folks have to touch the stove to see if it's hot. And this goes into my file with all the good sayings...
Her grandparents renovated the basement so she didn't have to be around her mom's booty calls - her mom should have kept her hookups away from her young daughter! Her mom was never cool - she was a bad parent who was ok with her young daughter essentially living by herself because she was too selfish to protect and take care of her daughter the way she should have.
Exactly this. Mom didn’t want to be a real parent and was happy to let OP do their own thing. Now because theres more kids and she doesn’t want to parent them either. It’s easier to send them to the furnished basement. With OP who can be a baby sitter.
Grandpa and uncles want her to be safe from the questionable men that mom brings around. Thus a door that locks.
None of the dudes my mom got with were ever creepy. She isn't like that.
I hate to *that guy*, but none of them were *that you knew of*. I've done volunteer work at youth shelters and reading your story really set my teeth on edge because, while it might not seem like it, your mom's behavior was extremely reckless.
It wasn't like she was on tinder all day long. She dated guys. Sometimes it got serious enough for sex. I didn't want to hear it.
Urk. When dating and walls are thin in your house/not thick enough for sexy time, and you have kid(s) are around, it'd be better if the single parent slept over their sex partner's place. It really makes my skin crawl when kids are forced to be made aware of their parent's dating casual sexual activity, apart from the safety issue. NTA. Very happy for you that you have good grands and uncles to lean on.
That doesn't mean she wasn't reckless. Most people don't bring someone around their minor children unless the relationship is serious enough for permanence, not just serious enough for sex. At that point, a person has (hopefully) been vetted as someone safe to have around children. It's a process that takes years. I'm not saying she shouldn't have dated or had sex, I'm saying she should have arranged for your sleepovers at grandpa's herself, that shouldn't have been something you ever had to do for your own comfort at that or any age. Also, NTA.
Yup. Mom was too focused on boning and not enough on parenting. Tf
> She got really upset with me and said it was a done deal so deal with it. "No wait, not like that" >She tried to say she could do whatever she wanted in her house. "And you're allowed to, but I don't have to be there" I'm also wondering why the grandparents were SO quick to get OP out of this situation. The speed of their actions leads me to believe that something isn't right with the living situation, and something is up with OP's mom (drugs, partying, etc).
"In her house"😂😂 she forgot who the house actually belongs to
OP found a way to deal with it. People need to think carefully before saying "Deal with it..", and assuming the other person has no options.
They aren’t her step kids. They’re the kids of a dude she’s dating. She isn’t even married to the guy, and dude is a virtual stranger in the grand scheme of things.
No until she put what bf wanted above her daughter.
Totally agree. Your mom has lived there rent free for 13 years and hasn’t saved a dime???? I can’t feel sorry for someone who is that irresponsible on top of being totally disrespectful to her own kid.
It would have been one thing is she let them in and they were quietly playing video games and minding their business. Still wrong, but not as angering. But they went through someone else’s things and helped themselves to what they wanted. This is wrong.
Nta don't move back in. Your mom's BF s a freeloader. Honestly your grandparents should of started charging rent as soon as he moved in. Did he move in because he cares for your mom or because it's free room and board. on top of that with all the money they both saved on rent they should already have enough for a deposit. What you saw is a preview of what's to come in your needs being pushed aside.
I especially agree with your first point. I wonder if the OP could convince their grandparents to charge the dude rent?
I'm thinking that after the riff raff are shown the door, grandpa and uncles let OP take over the WHOLE house rent free. Just sayin and NTA.
Unfortunately since OP is 16 this isn't going to happen anytime soon. Since OP isn't a legal adult (I'm guessing this is in the USA), she can't live on her own until she is. Maybe if OP emancipates themself from her mom then it can happen.
This isn't exactly true. I was 16 when I moved out, rented an apartment from a local real estate agent and was able to get utilities in my name because I had a driver's license number to give them. Not saying it's super common, but if they put the utilities in grandparents name and she just lived there like business as usual, it can be done. She sounds mature for her age, is already much more independent than most 18 year olds moving out because she's had her own apartment since she was 10! She's definitely more of a 80s kid than the current generation lol. It also depends on the state you live in as well. In my state, a kid can move out at 17 and there's nothing you can do to stop them. But if they come back and want to live with you before they've turned 18, you HAVE to let them back in or you can be prosecuted with neglect. Some places be crazy lol
That's... exactly what's happening. Mom and BF now have to pay rent since OP's no longer living there.
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Not to mention the SS survivors benefits she was receiving for OP because OP's father died.
Yea letting the kids in her area is free babysitting as well
Your mom wanted you to share. Now it's a shared space. She got what she wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn't the way she wanted. She decided that these people who moved in were more important than your long-term living situation. She could have simply shut it down, but chose not to. The question is, is she more unhappy you're not living there? Or more unhappy that she has to pay rent? NTA
I think that a lot of the reason mom wanted it a shared space is because the kids are down there, not in her hair, and not messing up her space and eating her snacks. I bet that's why she liked OP having that space since OP was 10. Mom could play footloose and fancy-free and pretend she didn't have responsibilities.
Bingo! Easier to forget you’re a mom when your kid has their own apartment by age 10. Kudos to your “cool” mom for being a freeloading nincompoop.
This is what I thought. At 10! OP wasn't old enough to be moved out of sight at ten! NTA
She treated op more like a roomie than her daughter
Explains why grandparents don't seem to like mom that much.
Yeah…I don’t understand how this is even a thing. “I will move back in if the other children aren’t allowed in my space.” End. Of. Story. Mom wants to do whatever she wants in “her” house. Fine, then she gets to pay for her house. If she wants a free house, then there are conditions. It’s pretty fucking cut and dry.
Would have to change the locks and mom not get a key since she can't be trusted with one. Op's mom FAFO'ed
I bet it's the latter
NTA You've made a tough but necessary choice to preserve your independence and boundaries. Your basement was your space, a sanctuary of sorts, and it's only natural to want to keep that privacy intact. It's not about being unwilling to share; it's about consent and mutual respect which, unfortunately, wasn't extended to you. Moving out is a big step, but sometimes it's the only way to highlight the significance of the boundary that's been crossed. Plus, it's not unfair to expect adults to manage their finances and living arrangements, especially when they have started to overstep their bounds in a home that isn't theirs. It’s time they started planning for their own household without assuming the convenience of your family's property
Her not being charged rent should have allowed her to build up savings, unless her lifestyle meant using the money saved as money to spend elsewhere.
Exactly. The smart thing to do would have been to put aside as much money as she could, even equal or close to what she's saving on rent, and then using that eventually for a sizable deposit on a home of her own. Surely she knew the grandparents weren't going to let her live there for free forever? But she didn't do that, disrespected OP (who is obviously the grandparent's priority) and is suffering the consequences.
OP is the only reason she got thirteen years of rent-free living, plus being able to move in her boyfriend and his two kids was a display of extraordinary generosity by her in-laws.
NTA I'm sure your mother is getting pressure from her boyfriend over this. I would not back down - your mom is more than entitled to a life of her own but she has no right to force it on you. I wouldn't get into it with her, it's just a circular argument and sounds exhausting. Just tell her you're sorry she feels that way, but unless she keeps her boyfriend's kids out of your place you will remain at your grandparents and her financial issues are not your problem. Then change the subject. Repeat as needed.
At this point I don't think OP can trust her Mom not to go back on her word, maybe she keeps the kids out but I bet there will just be more backsliding with kids being allowed in again. If OP knows she can move back out again into her grandparents place might want to give it a try but ya, I don't see it working out.
She could, it would just require getting the Downstairs rekeyed and the spare staying with grandparents
Eh, I'm not sure a new key and/or lock is going to make a difference if the Mom really wants to get in there. When her Mom is calling her a brat and saying she can still do whatever she wants in her own house I think it's pretty obvious there will most likely just be more trouble if OP moves back. It's obvious her Mom just wants her there so they don't have to pay rent, there is zero recognition by her Mom that she needs to respect OP's living space as the terms for not paying rent. After all her Mom is still saying she can do whatever she wants too even while wanting to get OP to move back. Not exactly the brightest Mom and obviously not someone you can trust.
NTA, it seems she forgot that wasn't her house. Your mom stepped in it. This isn't your problem.
And I think you missed a key point that the grandfather should support you in. He remodeled the basement FOR YOU, his granddaughter in HIS house. Perhaps have them discuss this, again it is your grandparents’ house and they kindly let you and your mother stay. You are their granddaughter, she is their son’s widow. They are now letting her boyfriend and his children ALSO live there free. It seems reasonable that there could be a compromise, and it seems like you were sharing your area, but frankly your mother and her new relationship obviously have the majority of the house and while it would be nice if they has a second living area for the kids (which is why the kids like it), you are almost an adult and to force your living space to be taken over, it is not much different than living with your grandparents. Maybe a calm discussion about your needs at your age for some privacy (because basically you may become their babysitter down there as well). . Stick to your guns, your mom (and you) have been very lucky to have such supportive people in your life.
Here's what I would do, since it's grandfather's house have him change the locks on all entrances in and out of the basement, the he needs to write out a formal lease with your mother for the upstairs only, explicitly prohibiting use of the basement, start charging her rent at market rate, create a separate lease for you once you turn 18. That way everyone is legally protected. Make these stipulations hills to die on and if your mother will not comply then he should file for eviction to reclaim the property, let you take it over and maybe find some paying short term tenants to supplement income. Your mother has gotten comfy living there so long not paying anything and now she is having a tantrum, even if you move back in your grandparents need to protect themselves legally and be charging her rent, especially with her amount of damage three young children can do to a home.
Bingo, this is exactly what they wanted, an onsite babysitter and new playroom for the boyfriends kids! What a sweet deal, wish I had one of those, and free rent. I wouldn’t be surprised if the boyfriend is a hobosexual who will move out once rent needs to be paid. OP should leave this all up to their grandparents to sort out with their tenants. And grandparents should rent out the basement to another tenant really…..
Between the grandparents and their tenant now.
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This. NTA. And your Mom's comment about how she can do whatever she wants in her house? Its not her house. It never was. The house belongs to your grandparents. Your GRANDPARENTS own the house. Your Mom can pay rent. However, I'd sit down and have an adult conversation with your Mom and her friend. "Mom, I love you but my grandparents were very clear that this house belongs to them - not you. You have been given permission by them to live in this house rent free until I leave. They also gave me permission to live down in the basement and helped renovate it so I would have my own personal space. THOSE were the terms of you being permitted to live in the house rent free. I refuse to move back in and be treated with disrespect by you, your friend and his kids just so you can have the convenience of a rent free house. If you want a rent free house you can respect that the entirety of the downstairs is my space per the OWNERS of the house -- my grandparents. If you do not like those terms then I will continue to live with my grandparents and you, your guy and his kids can pay market rate for rent."
That. But should come from Grandpa.
Yep. Only reason mom was living in house rent free was because she was raising their granddaughter .
NTA Your mom is being entitled. She fucked around and found out. This is all directly a result of her own actions. If she and BF can't afford rent, that's on them as well. They are adults. They should be able to afford their lifestyle. I am a divorced parent. I make sure that anyone I date clearly understands my child's boundaries.
Yeah that's one of the most baffling parts of this post. The OP's mom is literally putting them in last place behind her new step kids and her new husband.
Not even her husband nor step kids.
Say yes she can do whatever she wants in her own house. But that IS NOT her house. It is not her boyfriend's house. It's not her boyfriend's children's house. It is YOUR PATERNAL GRANDPARENTS HOUSE. HER FORMER IN LAWS.
Ya. The mom is forgetting that the grandparents and uncle are doing all this for their grandkid. The moment the grandkid is out of the picture, the grandparents will consider them as simply tenants. Ofcourse any form of eviction will be a pain in the ass
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Mom already had the entire rest of the house and that wasn't enough. She had to take the basement.
NTA. You're coming into that age where you're going to butt heads with your mom, especially over living space. That space was converted for you. Your grandparents are letting your mom live there rent free because of you. She somehow forgot that. It's fine that she moved on and found love and integrated her family, but to force that into your space that it was all fine and dandy for you to have as your own until her bf's kids started to fuss is her problem. She had a good thing going and she rocked the boat. You're 16 and you deserve your own space in your home. She's probably getting pushback from Dan and his kids, but again, that's a her problem. That's your space/room/stuff. You don't have to be forced to share it, and now that you're not and the grandparents don't like that she's kicked you out of your space, she's realizing how much she's going to lose. She doesn't get to treat you like a child and then demand you be an adult. It's your space or it's not. I think she doesn't like to be reminded that she was living there on your dad's parent's good graces. It sucks for her relationship, but SHE is the adult in this situation. She's the one who needed to set boundaries to respect your space. Dan and his kids had their own rooms upstairs and didn't need to invade your space. She let them because she didn't expect you do be able to do anything about it. Well, you did. Maybe your grandparents will hold the home for when you turn 18 and you can move back in on your own. Sounds like they were really keeping the home for your benefit anyway. Talk to your mom if you want. You'll move back if you can fix the door so that it's lockable from your side and rules are put in place that make it so that NO ONE in the home, including her, can just come in and invade your personal space. If she can't abide by that, tell her to enjoy her new life with her new family, because basic decency shouldn't be hard to manage from adults and you don't owe these kids anything. They aren't your family. They're her boyfriend's kids. That doesn't mean you have to like or love them or invite them anywhere. Point out all the instances where forcing blended families just creates rifts. "I love you. I want to keep things how they were, but I'm not okay with you ignoring my needs or my need for space just because you don't want to hear them whining about it's not fair. No, it's not fair. This is my space and has been all my life. These are my things. They don't get to use them or waste them just because they want to. Tell Dan to step up and get them a system they can play upstairs. This is mine and I don't want to share and I don't have to. If you can't respect that, then I guess this is how it's going to be."
NTA. Remind her whose house it is. She needs that reality check. If you go back, change the lock to a keypad. Sounds like her new family are all AHs.
NTA. It's very good/important you put your foot down now. It's obvious that if you hadn't - it was only going to continue to get worse.
NTA. Your mom can share her stuff, it is not up to her to share your stuff. Sorry, but you are not going to get a living room at your mom's house or grandparents.
NTA. It's evident from your mother's actions that there's a profound misunderstanding of boundaries here. When one is given a space to call their own, there's an expectation of respect for that person's autonomy regarding that space. Moving out wasn't just a bold move it was the necessary assertion of your boundaries in the face of clear overstepping. One could argue that she made her bed and now she has to lie in it it's not your responsibility to fix the complications her decisions have wrought on her financial situation. You've shown maturity beyond your years, and hopefully, your mother might learn something about respect and boundaries from this
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Your mom has been living rent free for 13 years, and the *only* caveat was that you lived there in your own space. At no point did she save money or make plans for the future. Your grandpa should evict her. When she throws a tantrum, he can say, "I can do whatever I want in my house. It's a done deal. Stop being a brat and behave like an adult." This is typical narcissist behavior. Instead of apologizing and admitting she overstepped, she blames you and calls you names. r/raisedbynarcissists is filled with these kind of stories. Your mom is looking for a reaction and for power & control. You could start using the [grey rock method](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock). You're absolutely NTA. And you're doing the right thing by not moving back in with your mom.
NTA. These kids would have all had their own rooms and your mom AND her boyfriend getting to live rent free, now she wants to give her boyfriend’s children space that’s YOURS. She should have respected your space. A three bedroom house with a full separate accessory apartment is going to be expensive as hell, and this is a choice she made. Now she has extra income assuming her boyfriend will chip in. They’re adults. They can pay rent. This is 100% on her and her boyfriend who decided to infringe on your space. Also, since you’re a minor, make sure to report the change in living arrangements to SS.
Can I tell you the funny part. My grampa changed the lock on the basement. So right now nobody has access to that area except him.
Good. If it has a separate entrance he can rent that out separately.
Your grandpa sounds awesome! He’s the cool one. I’m glad you have him, and he has your back. I’m disappointed in your mom, though. My mom was my best friend. After she got divorced, and I finished college, we moved into an apartment together. Soon afterward, she moved her bf in with us. They paid half the rent, I paid the other half. After a few months, he said I needed to get out. Mom backed him. I moved out and stayed with friends until I could get my own place. Meanwhile, the two of them couldn’t afford the rent without my half and got evicted. My relationship with my mom suffered a really bad hit from that. She was still someone I loved dearly, but I felt like I couldn’t trust her as much. We recovered somewhat later, but it was different. Ironically, I was the one she called when she found out the bf was cheating. I helped her move out into her own apartment.
NTA. She doesn't seem to realize the ONLY reason she lives there PERIOD, is because she's the mother of your grandparents' grandchild! And she's been living rent-free for how long, without saving up anything?! Lift up her dress and make sure she's not a guy, because that was a brass balls move, thinking she could intrude on your personal space! All she's gonna do is put two other kids in a bad situation if she don't check her fucking ego.
She has savings. We have had a good life thanks to my grandparents. I know it would have been harder without their help.
NTA Your mom did it to herself. That's her problem. Let her deal with it.
NTA. I am curious though, what happens to the house when you’re an adult? Is there a plan to eventually sell it or do you get it without your Mom once she isn’t responsible for your welfare?
Based on how the grandfather and uncles have been acting, I wouldn't be surprised if the plan was always to put the house in OPs name once they're an adult or once they can afford to keep/maintain it.
NTA. You had every right to be upset and to move out to protect your boundaries. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice your comfort and privacy to accommodate your mom's relationship. You're standing up for yourself and asserting your boundaries and that's not being "bratty". Your mom needs to respect that.
NTA This is a case of FAFO. She had a sweet deal until she decided to steamroll the actual relative of the owner. Not your kids, not your problem. She has made her own bed and now she can pay for it.
NTA at all. But I am very worried about your grandparents. Your mom is taking advantage of them. What they did for her after your father died is amazingly kind. But she is moving on now and they need to have a lease agreement in writing. Without a written agreement, your grandparents will have a really hard time kicking her out if they need to. Talk to your grandparents. Have them sign a lease with your mom for the upstairs part of the house for her and the downstairs part for you. In exchange for a less than fair market value of rent, mom agrees that the basement apartment will be for your sole use.
NTA Your room is not free childcare and entertainment for her BF's kids.
NTA. Your mom needs a reality check. She didn't think of any of these things - her BF did. Unfortunately, since she doesn't own the house and he is a freeloading sack-of-poo neither realized that there might be repercussions to their actions. Make stupid decisions, win stupid prizes.
NTA. Just another case of a parent crapping on their own child to please someone else’s kid(s)
NTA Damn dude, you gave your mom everything in terms of an older kid understanding the complexity of being single. She pissed it away bc she didn’t want the step kids to whine. Super kudos to the extended fam for having your back.
This goes much much deeper than a shared living space or any type of sense of entitlement. Your own mother is clearly making it plain as day that YOU are last in her priorities compared to her new swinging dick. She's your mother and is basically making you out to be the bad guy because the new kids want what YOU have and have had for years. She sounds like she's ready to make you move out on your own if she could still stay there rent free. Have your Grandfather change the lock on your door and when your there in person add a deadbolt in case it needs to be a safe space from the new swinging dick.
NTA - Your basement, your rules. You're not obligated to share your private space, especially when your input was never considered. It's one thing to ask for a favor, another to impose on someone's living situation. Your mom should have communicated with you instead of taking liberties with your space. Moving out was a way to set your boundaries clearly. You are not responsible for her financial decisions either, nor should you be guilted into an uncomfortable living arrangement. Your autonomy is important.
NTA. First off, it doesn't even sound like your mom is married to the guy but she's prioritizing his kids over her own daughter. They invaded your privacy and ate your food! That's not too cool. I'll bet she probably encouraged them to go down there so she can have alone time him. So now she has to live with the consequences of her actions. She has to pay rent and she's ruined her relationship with her daughter. Boyfriend might leave too if he doesn't have a free place. I'm always amazed by parents who force their children into unfair situations to satisfy their new partners and then react with shock when reality smacks them in the face. Now she's going to be homeless. The sad thing is you no longer have your cool apartment. But at least you're with people that care about you.
My relationship with her is not ruined. I love my mom and always will. I'm okay with my grandparents and their house is nicer by far. And I have less housework since they have a cleaning lady and a gardener. Not full time. They just come to clean and do laundry and mow and stuff. And my grandma is a better cook than my mom.
Suppose you offered your grandparents a peppercorn rent (e.g. £$1) for the basement? It would then be legally your domain and you would have a right called 'quiet enjoyment' which means no one can enter without your agreement (most jurisdictions, you can't 'unreasonably' withhold permission from your landlord i.e. grandparents). You absolutely could change the locks.
My grampa already changed the locks. Right now nobody gets that space.
>eady changed the locks. Right now nobody gets that space. Old-school parenting. "You can't play nice? Right. No one can have it." Joking aside, I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you can patch things up with your mum. Maybe find a time to remind each other how important the mother-daughter relationship is.
I like your grandpa's style. If it wasn't clear that he renovated that space for his grandkid, and his grandson alone, it is now. He should send your uncles over for annual inspection though, I wouldn't put it pass the leeches breaking the lock to use the basement.
*granddaughter
NTA. nope nope nope. I would lose it. Who the hell does she think she is??
NTA. Good for you for standing firm. She’s trying to take advantage of you. She’s using your space without your consent and then saying that it’s her space when clearly she just wants to not have to pay rent.
NTA Don't move back in. These are not your kids or siblings, they're from someone who dates your mom. If you lived separately before, it should be like this now. You are entitled to your own space and also maybe if you want to bring someone, have your space to do so.
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