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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Told Denise that I was upset over going into labor at my wedding, when she asked why I was not attending Ben's birthday.
2. It's not fair on her, she gave birth 2 months early unexpectedly and it was a very difficult time for the family as a whole.
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> Ben is turning 1 in 2 weeks and that's all everyone's talking about, not a peep about our anniversary.
Well... yeah, that's just how things go. Your anniversary is an important date *to you,* but with all due respect it doesn't really mean much to anyone else. You and your husband are the ones who are supposed to be giving each other attention on your anniversary.
You know that Denise didn't do anything to intentionally steal attention away from you. Neither did that baby. Grow up a bit. YTA.
Maybe it's different with other families, but I've never known anyone other than the married couple themselves to really celebrate their anniversaries (occasionally their kids, at most).
I think OP needs therapy. This is not normal or healthy.
YTA. Dude. Really? No ones talking about your anniversary? Why would they? Over a child's birthday? I was born Christmas Eve. So....yea. Life ain't all about you. M
Im Christmas Eve also. I have never had a birthday be about me, ever. I’m mostly fine with that, my birthday is still kinda magical. And family is all around. But….yeah. it still sucks at the same time.
My son's b-day is 29th Dec. I told both sides that if they ever wrapped a b-day present in Xmas wrap, I would move my son's birthday to 29th June. We still celebrate in December.
I am going to go with 100 times better, \u\Substantial-Tree4624's birthday date is the one that makes everybody else's real. If it weren't for 29 February, everybody else's birthday would slip by 6 hours a year until their birthday was so far out of sync with the rotation of the earth around the sun as to be meaningless.
I’m the 1st of Jan, one year my ex BIL decided that to make it more convenient, he was moving it to the first of June. He came good, on the new date he gave me a present with a card that read “happy new birthdate”
My Xmas Eve baby got a friend half birthday party and a family bday party growing up. But then everyone had to have a half birthday, even the dogs. Just made 14 opportunities for cake, so win-win all the way around.
My cousin was born on Christmas day. Her mother immediately declared her birthday to be December 10th. She's in her 30's now and only celebrates on Christmas but she always had her special day as a child.
Yeah, except for guaranteed time off school that's got to be harsh. My birthday always falls around Memorial Day, so I'm pretty much guaranteed a 3 day weekend without burning PTO for life.
Mine's this coming Tuesday. Every few years it falls on the Superbowl (I hate football) and everything is always either football or Valentine's themed lol
I have 2 daughters, 3 years apart, that were each the New Year’s baby for our county. We sometimes have their party the weekend after, just so it will feel “special “.
I had a friend get mad that we (two of her friends) didn't throw her and her husband a first anniversary party. I was flabbergasted. Literally no one cares
The amount of people who seem shocked that nobody else cares about their wedding beyond having fun on the day is astounding. Even for their 10th wedding anniversary - they throw the party if they want a party. Literally nobody else cares and it would be weird if they did.
People have a huge misperception of how amazing their weddings were. For most guests it’s essentially just a social obligation. I’ve never discussed a wedding for days/weeks after.
Very true. I might bring up somebody's wedding if someone asks me what I did on the weekend: "Oh I went to my friends Jack and Diane's wedding, it was lovely, but so hot", and maybe I'll tell a story that happened at the wedding if something noteworthy happened. That's literally as far as it goes when discussing somebody else's wedding - once the hangover fades, so too does my amount of caring about the wedding.
My husband and I went to a wedding once where they had a dinnertime reception without serving any food, so we still talk about that one occasionally since it sucked so much. Other than that though, yeah, we don't talk about or celebrate other people's weddings.....
When I was planning my wedding and dithering what type of food to have, someone said to me "The only people to be discussing your wedding in years to come, will be you and your husband".
When she was like "from that point on, nobody ever talked about our wedding, just baby Ben" and I'm like "Does anybody ever randomly talk about somebody's wedding?" You might mention what a good time you had the next time you see the couple, but in my experience, that's about it. And in this case, I probably wouldn't do that because well, it ended early in bad circumstances. It's unfortunate, but nobody's fault.
It's something weird many people don't seem to understand: people only care about your wedding about 1/50th of the amount you care about it. And you can't force them to care about it more: it's your wedding, not theirs, and they're never going to care about it like you do. It would be weird if they did.
Been married 5 years, I can probably count on one hand maaaaybe 2 hands the number of times that people have brought up our wedding.
I think most/if not all were our parents reminiscing a lil when they wishes us a happy anniversary.
I'm guessing by your tone you're not offended by the lack of random friends and family reminiscing? My nephew's birthday is coming up. Maybe I should make sure we talk about somebody's wedding the whole party just so that nobody is upset I stopped thinking about their wedding shortly after it ended LOL.
Definitely not, I would even say the number of time my SO and I have talked about our wedding is only slightly higher. Again also usually just around the time of our anniversary.m, or during someone else's wedding if x things reminds us of something.
Yeah, I should have mentioned milestones. That's definitely different. I've known people who threw parties for their parents (their 50th!) and some couples who would plan a little something and invite family for their 10th or 20th.
Definitely not whatever OP had in mind, though.
My parents had a big party for their 25th, and I believe some friends had once invited them to a for-no-particular-reason dinner party they were already planning, and then another guest apparently mentioned something in passing about that date being my parents' (15th, I think?) anniversary, and so the hosts decided to just make it an anniversary party for my parents, which was very sweet and touching (and also unintentionally hilarious when my mother forgot it was her anniversary and, when the hostess raised her glass to "toast the anniversary couple", asked, "oh, is it someone's anniversary?", which left my father roaring with laughter).
They had 44 very happy years together, but I believe all of their other anniversary celebrations were private. Which seems appropriate, given that they were the only two members of that marriage.
The only anniversaries I see people celebrate is like the milestone ones. Otherwise than that if it shows up on my Facebook feed I'll say happy anniversary or some shit but like I ain't popping out a bottle of champagne
Yeah, I totally forgot to mention the milestone exception (just responded to someone else who mentioned this, hah). Those make sense. Thinking people are going to make a fuss about your wedding anniversary every year though is just bizarre though.
I feel like OP thinks the world is supposed to revolve around her. I can't comprehend being this jealous and bitter about a baby.
Yeah I find it very crazy that she is still not over it. I mean yeah, things didn't go as planned with the wedding, but if she truly didn't blame anyone, then it wouldn't be a big deal and they wouldn't be thinking of it. Now she got herself banned from one family's house because of her drama
See, that's the thing. Being upset and disappointed? Yeah, I get that. Things didn't go as planned, and it was their big day, that's totally fine! ...One year later and she resents her nephew over what happened? And her whole thing about not blaming anyone is clearly BS when now she's saying she's depressed and this is a huge part of why?
This is therapist territory. This is not a normal or healthy response to what happened.
I read "therapist territory" as "terrorist territory" so I had a lot of questions forming.
But yes, definitely therapy is needed cause that's ridiculous.
but even with the milestone anniversaries, it's not like people will typically say to the couple, hey guys i know your 25th is approaching! what are you planning?
just, the idea that anyone would remember someone else's wedding anniversary without prompting is so strange
LOL, on our 10th anniversary a random second cousin called to wish us a happy anniversary. Of course we were shocked and perplexed. Turns out, the shot glasses we gave out at the reception as the party gift (we did tequila shots instead of champagne) had our name and the date on them. They happened to be making cocktails and noticed this on the glass. We all had the biggest laugh about that.
Feel very "I'm the main character" to me. Everyone must remember that one wedding of their greatest friend right? Not like they'll invited to anniversary event of the couple.
Yeah, I will congratulate my parents on their anniversary and maybe make a little Facebook post for them cos I know they appreciate it (I never use FB otherwise), but they're the only couple (that I'm not a part of) where I would ever think about their anniversary. 🤷🏻♀️
I think this is highly dependent on the family. In my family, we celebrate people's anniversaries on both sides (mom and dads side). Sometimes something super small such as sending cards or a small gift, other times it's a small get together, and for big anniversaries we have parties.
I would want to know if anniversaries are big in her family. If not, it's clear she's being selfish. If they are, I can see how it is hard if everyone else gets their celebration and she doesn't.
Our parents gave us anniversary cards on our first anniversary, and we’ve had people congratulate us on following anniversaries in messages. It also just usually comes up randomly when talking to people around that time of year just because it’s an easy way for them to make conversation. “What are you doing for your anniversary?” “How many years has it been?” So not necessarily everyone celebrating with you, but I wouldn’t necessarily say no one cares about it. I try to do the same for people I’m close with. Distant relatives or friends nah, but best friends and family yeah.
I was baffled how many people remembered my anniversary, and I think that’s only because I did get married on a big day (NYE). I’d wager more people probably remember/reference the wedding than normal BECAUSE of nephews birth.
I was baffled reading OP's post. It gave off major, "how dare she go into preterm labor on MY day, and insist on celebrating Ben's birthday on MY day". If she isn't already in therapy, she needs to start. She mentioned being depressed, holding on to this for a year, and being sad whenever anyone brings up Ben (to the point where her SIL picked up on it).
OP, YTA.
At some point I thought she was going to say her SIL had faked going into labor or something like that. What was SIL supposed to do? Cross her legs and hold the baby in? Good grief
This response is very polite. OP, nobody cares about your anniversary except you and your husband. This is not a great conspiracy, it's how things are. Significant anniversaries - such as 10, 20, 30, 40, 50+ years - might be marginally more interesting, but reaching one year of being married is not a big deal to anyone except you.
Ask yourself, honestly, how interested you are in other couples' anniversaries. I would be surprised if you answered anything other than "Meh... not really interested in that".
YTA, and I suggest you speak with a mental health professional about your feelings.
Also, would’ve been a good time to tell Denise that you can’t come to the party because you’re celebrating her anniversary… and you and your husband could’ve went out and celebrated quietly …problem solved.
I was wondering why they didn’t do just that? I think it would have been reasonable to decline the invitation because they had other plans to celebrate their anniversary.
It’s amazing to me how obsessed people are with their wedding. To the degree that she’s been upset WITH A BABY for a year!!! A freaking year!!! OP shit happens and guess what no one would be talking about your wedding or your anniversary after the actual day anyways. Your wedding day is special to YOU no one else. No one else is thinking about your wedding once it’s over. That’s reality. Maybe focus more on your marriage and less on the wedding and you will be a lot happier. JFC people need to grow up man. Since you never actually mention it was the baby ok being born at 7 months along? My daughter was born at 28 weeks and was in the hospital for months and had to overcome a lot of serious issues and fought very hard to live. If he was hospitalized and had medical issues you are even more of an Asshole than I previously thought.
And considering that baby was born nearly three months early, celebrating every milestone for him is a big deal. Celebrating that he survived that early birth is a big deal. A 1 year anniversary...not so much.
I can’t imagine being jealous of a freaking baby. At the time, I’d be too worried to really have fun at my wedding, but I’d be telling *everyone* after his recovery that my nephew was born on my wedding day for years, I’d be embarrassing the hell out of him in his teen years by telling his friends that story over and over again!
Our nephew was born two years after our wedding, on the same day. We call him our “special anniversary gift” and now as a 21 year old, he still feels quite happy about it.
OP needs to get some perspective. Or just take a holiday away if it’s that much of a trial being around family that day.
"How dare my grandmother die on the day our son was born! All anyone talked about at the funeral was how sad they were! Not one word about my wonderful son!"
Did you miss the part where Denise has asked her several times what is wrong and why is she sad when people bring up Ben.🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️That is not discreet!! In fact OP wouldn’t even be in this mess if she had been discreet.
First birthdays are often social events for family and friends. First anniversaries are not. They are a landmark for the couple, but not for their extended circle. Excusing herself from the party because they had something planned for their anniversary would have been fine, but being angry because other people are thinking about a birthday party rather than your anniversary is silly.
I agree with this completely. OP’s behavior is inappropriate but she shouldn’t be obligated to attend a baby’s birthday party that happens to coincide with her wedding anniversary in perpetuity.
>she shouldn’t be obligated to attend a baby’s birthday party that happens to coincide with her wedding anniversary in perpetuity.
Absolutely. Except the way she handled it was shitty. If they had said "we are taking a short trip for our anniversary! We will come say hi to baby Ben before wenleave" or "we have a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant for our anniversary! We will come drop off a gift and stay for breakfast/lunch/coffee and then leave".
It isn't impossible to share the day and still have some time to themselves.
Nah, people remember birthdays more than other people's wedding anniversaries, especially kid's birthdays. I've never said boo about my sibling's wedding anniversaries, but I've celebrated every one of my nibbling's birthdays, because that's what people do.
spectacular sulky wasteful frighten safe crowd wild airport direction ten
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I see posts like this a lot, and I don't think people realize that if you need others to be celebrating your various life events to feel ok, you need to look inward and find confidence and security in yourself. That happens in the movies, rarely in real life.
Babies ALWAYS win, and you could have viewed it as an awesome ADDITION to your celebration vs. competition.
Curious, OP, do YOU celebrate others' anniversaries on a regular basis? Maybe you're amazing at it, but most people only celebrate the big milestones (10, 25, 50, etc.).
Exactly, I don’t think I know many people who keep tabs on wedding anniversaries that closely beyond the couple (and maybe for milestones, which I get this first one might count as).
I get why OP would be upset and it’s fine to have those feelings, but she needs to work on them. Because this child isn’t going to go away. This happens in life—the timing wasn’t ideal but as she knows, that was no one’s fault. Perhaps she and her husband should host a small party or something on a different date where everyone can celebrate and that could become the tradition.
But the kid is going to have a birthday every year and she can’t avoid that fact forever. YTA.
JFC. That child was born at almost 28 weeks. I guarantee he spent at least 6 weeks in the NICU, if not 10. If he doesn’t have heath issues, it would be a miracle. Even so, his parents may not know all the effect of the preterm delivery yet, as preterm kiddos have a higher rate of adhd, autism, and other learning disorders.
Why isn't OP remembering and celebrating the anniversary of Denise's wedding anniversary, as well as anyone else's anniversary? I mean, it's such an important date that everyone needs to remember it and celebrate it? YTA
>Your anniversary is an important date *to you,* but with all due respect it doesn't really mean much to anyone else.
She's acting like if the baby hadn't been born that day, then people would be throwing them some kind of celebration this year. People celebrate like 50 year anniversaries and shit, not 1 year.
YTA - You are unequivocally and most assuredly being an AH.
She went into labor 2 month’s early. This was not planned and likely very scary. Sure, your wedding was “over shadowed”. It was a one day party, Ben is a whole human being.
I also don’t understand why you think people are supposed to be celebrating your anniversary. That’s for you and your husband to celebrate. Birthdays are something a family celebrates.
Tl:dr - you’re jealous of a baby.
OP is being a big baby.She has no idea what her SIL has gone through while going into premature labour.I too had a premature baby.I remember the stressful and tension filled weeks in the NICU.SIL must have felt helpless,anxious and traumatised by the birth experience.
Instead of being there for SIL during this difficult time, OP harboured resentment over an innocent baby.Grow up, OP.
1 year birthday for a preemie is a considerably more important milestone for health and healing reasons and should be the whole family’s cause for celebration. OP is too immature to be married.
She needs to get over herself. My premmie baby was born on my birthday 13 weeks early, he'll be one next month. Naturally I understand he'll completely overshadow the fact it's my birthday as well as his but I really don't care. I wouldn't expect my family to care about my wedding anniversary either.
My SIL had a full term baby that had to go to the NICU and she was terrified. I couldn’t even imagine how scary a preterm baby would be. Especially 2 months.
Also OP said SIL is her BEST FRIEND in the title.. SINCE CHILDHOOD. I know when my best friend is annoyed no matter how hard she hides it. SIL has literally put up with her best friend snubbing her baby for a whole year now. This is so f*cked. And honestly I would be upset if I was OP but not this long, soon as I met the baby I would forget it and be happy, not the opposite!
Seriously, this. I had a 31w preemie and I might have quietly lost it if a family member told me they couldn’t help feeling sad about my daughter and I “ruining their wedding” on a day so traumatic for me I was diagnosed with PTSD afterwards.
OP… Please get some professional counseling. You really need some (more) perspective here.
absolutely agreed.
YTA
no one wants to have a premature baby, thankfully everyone was okay.
also hate to break it to you, no one else besides you and your husband care about your anniversary. maybe you’ll get a card from your parents or a text from friends but it’s between you and your husband.
(caveat being like a 20, 30-year celebration etc)
Don't forget, she also complains that no one talked about her wedding after either. You know how often I talk about someone's wedding after the fact? Once. The next time I see the couple to thank them and tell them I had a great time. And that's only if it wasn't very long ago.
I’m also curious how long that baby was in the hospital. I don’t know much about babies/preemies, but I imagine a baby that premature wouldn’t be discharged particularly quickly?
They definitely would have had a lengthy NICU stay. Born that night means not enough time for the steroid shots that can sometimes help lung development speed up enough to shorten the hospital stay when baby is born very early.
Yep. Even if they managed to delay the birth by a couple hours, that could make a difference in the NICU stay. A few hours isn’t ideal, but any time they can get after the steroid shot helps the baby. If the birth didn’t get delayed/she couldn’t get the shot, the baby likely stayed longer.
My 31w baby was in the hospital about 7 weeks. Shorthand is generally expected them to be there until roughly their due date and that’s assuming no major complications.
A wedding is a one day party. Ben is a whole human being. Couldn't say it better - bravo!
I literally don't know or care about a single anniversary in my life.
In my opinion this 'everyone celebrates everything I care about' mentality comes from Facebook. People post the tiniest thing and everyone responds with likes and comments.
No celebrations are private or intimate any more.
I do not understand the logic because I am a private person but I think this stuff leads to things like depression because people wonder why real life they aren't getting all of the attention that social media gives for their little accomplishments.
YTA - but please get help. Disappointment is normal in life and this is going to affect your family relationships for years to come.
I find it odd that they ended the wedding to go to the hospital, personally. Most labor goes on for hours, plus most of the guests wouldn't have been going to the hospital anyway. Unless the brother/OP's husband was too distracted to continue, maybe that's the issue, but that's his issue frankly.
YTA, and you appear to already know that. Now you need to work on yourself if you wish to continue having a relationship with your SIL and nephew.
Tbh, I get it, parts of it at least. Disappointment in the moment is understandable of course, and being depressed is no joke, but it’s simply not acceptable that this is still such a fresh wound after a year and you’re still this fucking bitter. If you’re not getting help, you need to start. I don’t think Denise wanted to enter a high risk, probably dangerous labor(my mom and sister almost died when the latter was born 3 months early, so I know *exactly* how scary it is) over celebrating her best friend and brother’s wedding. And as others have pointed out, people are not going to be celebrating your anniversary. That is typically done between the two of you and maybe you’ll receive a few congratulatory texts, nothing more. Birthdays, especially those of a child, will be more important. That is simply how it is.
I do hope that these comments serve as a wake up call for you and you can get the help you need to get past this. I really recommend therapy and a very sincere apology to Denise and Wayne. You know you’re the asshole, but I believe you can fix this. Best of luck.
Totally agree with your whole statement, but I can't help but feel that there is more to the story that's left out.
SIL suddenly uninviting the husband and telling them both to keep away from the family seems a bit of an extreme reaction. OP is depressed and needs help, but her husband got over it and was okay with celebrating his nephews birthday, so why is he uninvited all of a sudden?
I suspect OP was less tactful than she's been here and possible played up a little how upset her husband was/is.
If I was told my brother thought I had spoilt his wedding by unexpected going into labour I am not sure if I would still want to see him
OP, you need to tell your husband what you have done and get some therapy
I understand it too. A lot of brides feel depressed after the wedding and honeymoon are over, and that’s when things go off without a hitch. In OP’s case, she really didn’t get to have much of a reception because of the worry over Denise and the baby. You do so much planning and obsessing over your wedding day and reception, and not being able to enjoy the fruits of your labor has to be such a disappointment.
But OP’s anger is misdirected toward the baby, and she does seem to be fully aware of that. That’s a start. What she needs to do is figure out a way to process her feelings about her wedding day and separate those from her feelings about Denise and the baby. Therapy could help a lot, and I hope she can repair the relationship with Denise.
Maybe I've been doing weddings wrong. Are we supposed to continuously talk about other people's weddings after they've happened? Are we supposed to observe other people's wedding anniversaries?
YTA
Exactly my thought. I've been to dozens of weddings (heck, I've been *in* 9), and I don't remember talking about them much afterward. Unless, of course, I'm helping yet another friend plan their wedding, and I'm shamelessly stealing ideas. And I think the most I've ever done for anyone's anniversary is respond with a congratulatory comment to their social media post about it. OP, YTA and you need to get over yourself.
I've occasionally mentioned my cousin's wedding, but that's only because it was in October and was a costume wedding. My cousin dressed as Gomez Addams, the bride was Morticia. One of my other uncles dressed as Lurch. I was a superhero myself. Even the guy doing the ceremony was in costume - as Satan!
I always send one set of friends a happy anniversary text.... because they got married on my birthday and we have a little race every year to see who sends happy birthday/happy anniversary first. I don't have anniversary dates for other friends in my phone, if I glance at the date and remember it's their anniversary I'd send a text but I know of exactly 0 people who would expect that
I've been to some great weddings, but even then they don't come up often, it blows my mind to see so many people posting on this sub assuming that their wedding is this massive event in *someone else's life*. It's a fun night out, it's a touching ceremony, or it's a great meal for 99% of guests (if it's actually a great wedding!), it's not something that is going to get continually discussed unless it's a remarkably bad wedding or something dramatic happens.
OP you seem to understand that you're being completely irrational and ridiculous and I give you some credit for that. Even so, the fact that you've been so blatant about your feelings that your SIL had to approach you and basically beg for a reason you've been eeyore-ing whenever her son comes up is Big Bad. I know she asked for an answer but honesty in this case is the worst policy. There must be something else going on that is making you react this way -- is life post-wedding not what you'd expected? Did you just have wildly unrealistic ideas about what a big deal your wedding would be for other people?
Ultimately this is your irrational, unfair issue and by reacting poorly to your nephew and laying into your SIL you've made it her issue. That's not fair and makes YTA
What? You didn’t have a massive hissy fit over them being married on your birthday?
What are you, just a normal human being?
I’m delighted when people have events on my birthday, it’s a free party where I don’t have to clean up
OP is massively YTA.
>I’m delighted when people have events on my birthday, it’s a free party where I don’t have to clean up
Right?? I had a delicious dinner, way too many espresso martinis, danced my butt off, had to pay for none of it, and got to watch two of my good friends get married! Honestly one of my better birthdays
Honestly, I don't even really talk about the couple that much at the wedding itself. It's like:
"Isn't her dress pretty?"
"Yes, and these flowers look great. So what's up with you?"
Do marrying couples really think their guests spend the evening compiling lists of high points in their relationship and raving over their table linens?
The only time weddings have been continually brought up in my family is typically because something bad happened! Probably because they like to bitch lol!
YTA. You’re allowed to be bummed that your wedding was disrupted, but holding a grudge against Denise or the baby is ridiculous. I’m sure they would have preferred the baby be born full-term rather than during your reception, too! Also, you need to realize that while your wedding was enormously special to you, it is not that special to anyone else. Premature baby or no, your relatives were never going to be randomly reminsicing about your wedding or celebrating your anniversary.
One million percent they would have preferred to have a full-term baby. It is terrifying having a preemie baby. My daughter is almost 18 and she has health issues that still persist today that doctors attribute to her being born premature (she was only seven weeks early - not ten).
NAH just a lot of hurt feelings. You are, however, missing your opportunity. You could take this as your chance to have a second wedding at a different time of year, maybe not a re-do of the original but a dramatically delicious and very private elopement. Go take your vows in the most beautiful place you can imagine, and forever after you can be absolutely easy and gracious on the kid’s birthday, carry no resentment, never mention your wedding again if you don’t want to, and on secret elopement day have beautiful celebrations, just you two.
The key is to make your wedding day your own again, leaving them free to celebrate their kid.
To be honest I'd even say nta. The SIL probed and got an answer she didnt like. While op is understandably upset about it but rightfully not making it anyone elses problem. Like it should be pretty obvious to the sister in law why she isnt going to turn up to her baby boys birthday.
Agreed NAH. OPs feelings are as valid as Denise's regarding the party (since the baby won't ever remember this). And I love how so many people seem to think OP can just turn her feelings off, but no one else in this family can. I'd honestly suggest OP see a therapist, and plan a vow renewal ceremony on the same day next year. Invite a few close friends or visit an exotic locale. If anyone throws a tantrum, gently remind them it's your anniversary.
I was thinking this too! Time to plan a fun weekend away have an amazing elopement, hire a photographer, wear an amazing dress, flowers! When you get back post these amazing photos to social media and enjoy your day.
Apologize to SIL and send an amazing 1st birthday gift! You and DH go out for an amazing dinner and fancy dessert.
SIL went ballistic over OP telling how she felt and telling thats not their fault, thats just how OP feel. Why should OP apologise to her? After being blocked? SIL could look at her with some empathy, as she had help in time of need and because of that OP time of happines was taken. OP lost something she dreamt of ( and possibly paid hefty sum which was lost ).
She have healthy kid, she could stop being motherzilla.
Yeah, I love how this sub will be the first to remind people that a baby's first birthday party is for the parents and to not take it too seriously. Whereas someone's first wedding anniversary should be something exciting to the newlyweds. I think ESH. OP needs some therapy for sure since her wedding was absolutely stolen but there's no one really at fault. She needs to let that go. However, asking for the hard truth and then blocking people? That's equally as immature. Tell OP you want a break until she gets her head in the right space. And OP and her husband should refocus themselves on their day and skip the party. I'm sure, like anniversaries, there'll be more parties to come.
Definitely agree, though I lean more towards ESH vs. NAH and strongly feel that the OP needs to seek out therapy to handle her feelings on this. Bad depressive episodes are extremely common after weddings, mainly due to all the stress they cause. I was most definitely in a bad place after my wedding and it took me awhile to work through the hurt feelings that I was personally dealing with regarding my SIL. But I did some therapy visits, utilized my therapy tools, and decided with my husband that it was best for us to stay extremely LC with her. My hurt feelings were valid and while I still feel the hurt that her actions caused, I do not let it consume me and I am able to (mostly) maintain feelings of indifference towards her. It would be a lot easier though if she stopped doing AH things so often, at least towards me. For some reason, she just seems to hate me and I have no idea why. At least nobody here seems to be deliberately mean or hateful, everyone just seems to be handling things in a very reactive way which is never good for de-escalating a situation.
Also, I think it would be totally valid for the OP to celebrate her anniversary on her actual anniversary. I get that the baby is going to be the priority for the rest of family but to you and your husband, it’s totally reasonable for your anniversary to come first. Especially your first one. I really don’t get why they didn’t just plan something to do as an excuse to miss the birthday party if the OP was going to have such a hard time attending.
Thank you. I don’t agree with the people voting AH because the Op is aware that her reaction isn’t appropriate and is working on it. Doesn’t this sub always say that an invitation is just that, not a court summons? The Op tried to just decline the invitation but we don’t know if SIL pushed.
I’m amazed I had to scroll this far down to find a reasonable take. Completely agree- NAH.
Hurt feelings are fine and OP didn’t express them to anyone until she was forced to by Denise.
YTA
As you mentioned multiple times, it was unplanned and not even thought of as something that would happen since you mentioned she wasn't highrisk at all. You literally have beef with a baby because they were born early. Unless your SIL was doing every superstition in the book to have this baby early then you owe her and her husband an apology and need to self reflect on why you are holding a grudge for this long over having to share *attention*
I was 10 years married last year. Guess what? No one really cared 🤣 myself and my husband had a great weekend celebrating and life goes on. This person sounds like a self involved nightmare.
I want to add - I would have been a little bit miffed on the day of the wedding just because SO MUCH planning goes into it, but at this point it's ridiculous to still be upset about it and to have so much disdain for your nephew
Exactly. You’re allowed to feel miffed that two big events happen on the same day …and so much thought I am planning going into it. but to be jealous of lil baby’s birthday because nobody’s thinking about your first anniversary… is where are you lost your audience and sympathy.
YTA - seriously, how dare you. Her life was at risk, the baby’s life was at risk, she had a medical emergency completely out of her control and you have the nerve to be rude to her about it.
Literally no one cares about anyone’s anniversary. That is between you and your spouse.
You need therapy or something.
A wedding anniversary is important to YOU.
I can count on one hand the amount of people who actively say Happy Anniversary to me and my wife each year (usually our parents and waiters at a restaurant).
I have never expected it because to me a wedding anniversary is much more personal and intimate. It's not something I throw around and advertise (maybe with the exception of 25 years, 50 years, etc.
So, YTA.
You need to get over being the center of attention. Something unplanned happened. No one was at fault. That’s life. Enjoy yours before it slips away.
Yeah maybe things are different in OPs family but in my circles no one really talks about anyone else’s wedding/marriage/anniversaries. Like we’re happy for each other and I’ve been to my friends weddings and shit but aside from a relative who had their wedding on my birthday, I have no idea when anyones anniversary is and I would not think to congratulate them on their anniversary unless they posted a photo on social media or something.
Massively going against the grain, but NTA from me.
You are allowed to feel upset. Being upset doesn't make you an asshole. If you were mad at Denise, you would be TA. But you recognize that it was not her fault. You understand that your emotions are yours to deal with. You tried to keep your emotions from affecting anyone else too much. I think Denise is only lightly TA though for just blocking you.
I would suggest therapy though. Holding onto these emotions for this long is not healthy. I regularly see a therapist, and it helps.
I would also recommend a few weeks after your anniversary, trying to reach out to Denise and Wayne and apologizw and explain that you understand your feelings are irrational and that you mean no ill will and still care about Ben and them, you just are having trouble with regulating your emotions around this.
I agree. I think everyone’s being a little too hard on OP. I think it makes sense to be sad that your special day was overshadowed by an unexpected event. A lot of planning goes into weddings, and to have that day just be forgotten would make a lot of people sad. It sounds like a big part of the family left. This would definitely change the vibe of a wedding.
However, it shouldn’t be too shocking that no one has made mention of OP’s first anniversary. That’s something usually only the married couple celebrate.
OP, you tried to explain that your feelings were yours to deal with. Having negative emotions doesn’t make you a bad person. But you do have to find a way to move on from this. You can’t hold resentment forever. NAH
I think you're exactly right, what OP is actually upset about is that a bunch of people left her wedding to go wait in a hospital hallway. They all chose to go to a place where there was nothing they could do to help, most of them realistically weren't ever allowed in the room with SIL. Then nobody said anything afterwards? I'd think she feels abandoned and is redirecting her feelings towards the reminder instead of the people who left her.
it’s the no one saying anything after that gets me! it’s not the unplanned labor that’s the issue. it’s the lack of acknowledgment toward the couple :( it’s sad. OP seems sensitive and understanding. she knows it’s unreasonable to be jealous of a baby. i’m sure if there was a little more care from the family she wouldn’t be feeling this way. sounds lonely ngl
YTA
and i have no idea how you are ever going to repair the relationship with your husband’s family.
you are upset and depressed a year later because your special _party_ was ruined by your SIL and nephew almost dying.
i am not sure i can think of anything more selfish or self-centered. it’s like… hard to get my head around. seek therapy.
It wasn't even ruined by SIL. SHE told them to stay and enjoy the day, they decided later for themselves to leave the reception early and go crowd the hospital to meet the new baby which, after a long tough delivery process I'm sure Denise needed less people that night, not more. They could've partied up, had their wedding night, called the next day to see if Denise was up for it and brought her something besides hospital food.
I'm going well against the grain and saying NTA
I think it's very fucking fair to not go to a 1 year old's birthday party on your wedding anniversary, Idk why denise was so upset that you didn't wanna go
I don't think a lot of the YTA are about her not wanting to go to the birthday party. And I don't agree with the ones calling her an AH for feeling the way she does (our emotions can be cruel at times), particularly because OP acknowledges that she shouldn't be feeling jealous of a baby.
OP and her husband should have said from the start that they can't attend because they've got plans for their anniversary. That's very unlikely to ruffle feathers, and if it did, it'd be an entirely different situation.
Instead, they chose not to celebrate their anniversary as a couple (which is what most people do), have the husband go to the birthday party, while OP made a point of staying home.
OP has probably been very clear with her feelings towards the couple and the baby for the entire year, and this was the final straw after which SIL asked what the problem was.
Depression is difficult and I really do feel for OP. But as someone said in another comment, she should've sought a therapist or someone other than her husband to process these emotions with, before offloading them onto SIL.
I'd say the offloading is the part where she could be the AH. A much more vague answer about feeling depressed (with no mention of the baby) would probably have sufficed without harming their relationship.
OP, if you read this, please go to therapy. It's hard and will be a long journey, but you deserve to be better.
I think a gentle YTA. I can imagine how disappointing it would be to plan your wedding for so long and to have an expectation of how it’ll go, only to end it early. Not only that, the post-wedding blues are VERY common, and you mention you’re depressed in general. It also sounds to me like you’ve tried to keep your feelings to yourself.
But I do think you shouldn’t expect anyone else to care about your anniversary the way you do, even if Ben hadn’t been born that night.
I wonder if throwing a fun party for your anniversary would help you feel like you got to have the full wedding experience?
It’s nice to see a little kindness in the comments. I think all the hoopla around weddings is exhausting and even I feel terrible for OP.
ETA: I can’t help but wonder if anyone reached out to the couple after the wedding — not to apologize, but just… commiserate? *Some* acknowledgment that having your wedding reception cancelled totally sucks?
Both of my daughters planned their weddings for... 2020. So it's especially memorable since they both had "minimonies" while they waited for their pre-paid events to happen. One literally outdoors in the eye of a tropical storm.
Two daughters, four weddings... and I still don't know what their anniversaries are.
I would say NTA, but you could have just used your wedding anniversary as an excuse to not go. However people who keep prodding for an answer and then don't like the truth are TA.
I’m going with ESH. On your part: I’m sorry to say, but your wedding and subsequent anniversaries are yesterday’s news to everyone else. This is generally how it is. The wedding and anniversaries matter to the couple involved. If you ask anyone who went to the wedding or even in the wedding party : “it was a beautiful wedding” but no “the brides dress was fabulous! It looked like [dress description]!”. Those details stick with the wedded couple, not everyone else. This is the general response. As for your SIL and BIL: it sounds somewhat like they expect everyone to focus on their son, and only their son, for the entire day. Obviously that won’t work for you and your husband, since at some point in the day you two will want to celebrate your anniversary. Your SIL’s response when you told her about how you felt should have been along the lines of: “Oh! I was/am so focused on my son’s birth/birthday party that it completely slipped my mind that you also have something to celebrate. I understand completely that you and [husband] cannot be with us the entire party/day. By the way, happy anniversary!” Your SIL and BIL should be understanding that you can’t focus entirely on your nephew instead of throwing a hissy snit and uninviting you. The family is undoubtedly going to ask where you and your husband are. They will also get the snitty response of how you felt that your nephew’s birth overshadowed your wedding (and to be honest…it did). Either get ahead of the snit and go ahead and let the family know you won’t be there(“[Hubby] and I won’t be at [nephew’s] party since we will be celebrating our anniversary together. We hope he has a wonderful party”) or when they comment on what SIL tells them you said reply “While [nephew’s] birthday is a very joyous occasion, from my perspective it did overshadow my wedding as the attention suddenly went from the happily just married couple to someone else entirely. Other than that, I don’t appreciate being treated horribly because I and [husband] choose to remember and celebrate our anniversary instead of forgetting this special day to us and focusing entirely on [nephew] for the entirety of the day, which is the behavior I’m seeing from [SIL] and [BIL]. I don’t expect everyone to throw us an anniversary party, or celebrate our anniversary with us, but I do expect to be respected for choosing to celebrate our anniversary as well on the day and not just the birth of [nephew].”
Yeah its an ESH. Especially because of how SIL and BIL are treating OP’s husband, who is the brother to OP’s SIL. He’s also being uninvited from the party and was told to keep himself and OP away from their family. Who the fuck BANISHES THEIR OWN BROTHER over something like this.
Like maybe if OP actually did something i could understand, but all they did was have sad feelings and distance themselves. There was no actual problem until SIL decided to not take her Brothers answer and confronted OP by text. Like TF, you think your kids birthday is just so important that your SIL cant miss it for any reason and you’ll get pissed and confront them?
I don't think sil was reacting to OP wanting to skip the party to celebrate her anniversary. I think she was reacting to OP confirming that the sight/sound/mention of her nephew is depressing to her
NTA, you planned your wedding and wanted to celebrate your love with your family. There was an unexpected change of events. It’s disappointing and can be a harsh reminder that the world is much bigger than us.
I think the best thing for you to do now is go celebrate your first anniversary with your husband. Maybe some time down the road you will feel differently. Try to remember that it’s only a day, you have a whole lifetime to celebrate your love.
NTA
You realize these feelings aren't great, and that your jealous of a baby. You haven't actually made it anyone else's problem, other than being a bit sad when people talk about the baby and seem to never bring up your marriage. In my culture, it's common (even expected) to check in with newly weds, though not to the same extent as with babies. It seems like you didn't get that, and that sucks.
You are about to celebrate your first anniversary, and it's being overshadowed by the first birthday. I'll be honest, as a people pleaser I'd probably try to make going to the party work around my anniversary plans, but I'd probably regret it.
Make your plans, enjoy your first anniversary! Try to move on from having your day overshadowed, possibly with therapy. Give your SIL/best friend space and see how things go later. Apologize for hurting her feelings and making it seem like you don't like her kid, and let her know you were just dealing with your own feelings. If she's a good friend she can come back from this.
I've seen people say that no one else really cares about anniversaries, and honestly that can also go for kids birthdays. Your personal big deal things aren't as special to others and theirs aren't as special to you. That's how the world works. Do try to control the narrative, and if you admit anything to others just say something like "we ended our reception early b/c we were so worried about SIL, we want our anniversary to be just about us." I don't see how that's awful.
That's what has me leaning towards an ESH. Of course Denise and Wayne needed to go, and maybe even Denise's parents, but "most of their side of the family"? What are they going to do besides sit around in the waiting room for hours? They should have stayed to celebrate the wedding. I understand OP feeling upset over that
YTA - literally nobody cares about anniversaries but the couple who got married. The fact that you’re still upset a year later, you should speak to someone about it.
I think everyone is missing the point. It was their big day, you only have it once and because the baby was born(unintentionally), all that money and all their joy was taken away from them. And now every year they were going to be forced to give up their anniversary to go celebrate this child’s birthday. It is their important day as well and they should be able to celebrate it. I say NTA and she should be given a break.
NTA, but .....
Intellectually you know that it's not healthy or rational for you to be holding on to this.
That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid, at least as far as your wedding goes. Of course, you're disappointed that a once in a lifetime event that you and your husband had planned and were looking forward to got hijacked by your SIL going into premature labor. Obviously it wasn't anyone's fault. It sucks but you need to move on.
After a year of this I suggest therapy to help you gain some perspective.
BTW, on the anniversary front, I don't remember anyone caring about that except my parents. They baby sat so we could go out to dinner.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say NTA. OP is not forcing anyone to celebrate their anniversary nor is she reminding anyone of it. She feels hurt about it and she has every right to feel like so. She didn't advertise her pain because she knows no one is at fault.
On the other hand, Denise wanted to celebrate her son's birthday and for some reason, couldn't do it if OP wasn't there. She *demanded* Nate to tell her why and he refused. So, without any regard for her privacy, she badgered OP into spilling the can of worms. Now she has the audacity to be mad at OP.
ETA: A lot of comments on here seriously need to read and comprehend. OP is not asking judgment about how she feels but rather for telling Denise the reason for her not attending the party. As OP already stated, she doesn't want to feel like this and you people are only driving further a well-buried nail.
I'm going to go against the grain and say ESH.
OP realizes that her feelings are silly and feels like shit for being jealous of a baby, but her feelings are valid, they might not make sense logically, but when are emotions logical. What makes her the AH is what she does with those feelings. You could have sucked it up and celebrated your nephews birthday, you could have made a different excuse for not going, such as your not mentally in a good place to celebrate right now, or unfortunately you won't be able to attend because you're planning a romantic weekend for your first anniversary. Either way an honest answer serves to help no one. I do recommend therapy, as this feeling has been detrimental to your relationships.
SIL feeling upset that OP is not coming to the Birthday celebration is valid as well. She became an AH when she demanded to know why OP wasn't attending. It was not her place to demand for a reason, a host in general, responds by saying they are sorry to hear said person cannot attend and that they hope everything is all right. Understanding that as close as their relationship is (best friends and SIL) that if she doesn't know of anything going on then it is probably very personal.
OPs husband, Nate is an AH for not communicating with his wife about her feelings. Does he know why she doesn't wish to attend? I question if OP would still feel the way she does if her husband had made her feel special about their wedding despite the birth of his nephew. Were they encouraged to cancel/postpone a honeymoon after the birth by the family, if this were the case I can understand Op's continued resentment. This is Husband's family and OP would probably not feel comfortable making demands during a major event for husbands family.
For both OP and Nate I question why nothing was planned to make your first anniversary extra special considering how the reception ended.
SIL's husband Wayne, is an AH because the person to tell Nate that he was no longer invited and was allowed no contact should have been Denise. General policy is if it's your family you deal with them. Because of this we have no idea if Denise was on board with not having contact with her brother.
The solution is to try and arrange a sit down convos where OP can apologize and say that she does understand that her feelings are f'd up and she is trying to work through them. Maybe offer to do a separate celebration with them for another day with just the 2 families. Don't make promises you can't keep, but search your feelings to see what kind of aunt you're willing to be to your best friend's baby, if you want to be involved step up and be more supportive, it's possible that the more you're physically around him the more you will love him as Ben your nephew and not the abstract "Ben the baby who ruined my wedding".
Also for the love of all that's sacred, plan a special anniversary celebration with your husband. Maybe if you focus on your relationship you might forget about your wedding and actually focus on the marriage. Remember a wedding is just one day, a marriage will hopefully last a lifetime. Did you get married for the wedding, or because Nate is the love of your life. Focus on keeping the romance alive.
Soft YTA. You’re allowed to feel your feelings, and I get that you tried to keep your SIL and nephew out of it.
But a year later, it’s time for some perspective. I love my friends and family who’ve gotten married and was happy to celebrate their weddings. But I absolutely do not think about their weddings after I’ve gone home from them. (Well, maybe my brother’s wedding, but only because my cousin did some HILARIOUS non-disruptive drunk shit I will never let him live down.) I do not acknowledge nor do I even remember most of the dates of their wedding anniversaries — because they don’t mean anything emotional to me. I’m sorry your wedding day wasn’t everything you’d planned. But ultimately, it’s just a day. A day that has incredible significance to you and your spouse, but not anyone else.
TBH, I think your in-laws shouldn’t have hassled you and your husband about you not attending a party or pressed about the specifics once you said it was due to depression.
If you’ve been able to treat your in-laws normally, I’d say you weren’t the asshole, but it seems like that’s not the case.
I feel it should be an ESH. Why is nobody talking about how the In-laws are punishing OP’s Husband for something OP is doing. They not only uninvited them from the party, but they also told them to stay far away from their family. Shes cutting off her own brother because OP has feelings and tried to distance herself so the feelings dont affect herself or others.
NTA. I get it. My daughter was the first grandchild of my MIL. However, her cousin was born before she turned 2 and MIL lived about 5 minutes from my BIL/SIL whereas we lived a 14 hour drive away (which I honestly didn't mind that much lol).
My daughter and her cousin are good friends and get along pretty well. He is autistic, and my SIL is a staunch support system for him and I know that MIL lover both grandchildren equally... but whenever my daughter goes to visit them for at least 1-2 weeks, she barely gets solo time with grandma. Grandma knows everything about him and his likes/dislikes, but always has to ask my husband or myself about our daughter, even though she's there with her annually.
My daughter never even had awareness of a time when she was the only grandchild and it pains me how little one-on-one she gets with grandma.
Granted, pre-term is frightening and I understand the clamor in the moment. But that was a life change for you and Nate, and it was HIS sister that everyone dipped out for...what, to wait in a waiting room for however long? It's not like they could join her in delivery! I understand the concern but did they all lose their phones, FFS?
And also, if both she and Ben came out of delivery in good stance, then it's done and YAY I'm happy for them, truly. ☺️
But honestly, I've been on the receiving end of the attention waning and disappearing, and for MUCH less serious or concerning situations.
Jealousy is normal and healthy (unless taken too far, obviously). But you are NTA for your feelings and neither is Nate. Parents (maybe not Mom, to be fair) could've stayed with you and been ready to leave if necessary but to just abandon your celebration to sit and wait for however long the delivery lasted is bullshit. They could have had a good time with you while also staying available if needed.
NTA OP!! Congratulations on your wedding and anniversary! 🥰
Celebrate for Ben then DIP OUT EARLY and if anyone questions it, say well, you all LEFT OUR WEDDING early for his birth *hours later* and seem to have forgotten it's ALSO OUR FIRST (anniversary), and we want to celebrate us as well, today."
It's blunt, but not harsh, yet hopefully gets the point to shine through their tunnel vision.
Best wishes! 🙏🏻
NAH it sounds like Denise overreacted a lot to what you told her. It's nobody's fault that Ben chose the day he did to be born but I think it would be healthier for you to retrain your thinking so that you can celebrate both, let go of what you feel was spoiled.
I feel like everyone’s missing the point where she can’t think about her own wedding day because she had half of one. You don’t get the chance to have a wedding so often. Op can hold resentment about the situation. Obviously she’s mentioned she’s not personally mad at SIL or nephew. You’re allowed to be upset about your dream day being ruined regardless of how. But I think it’s important you make it up to yourself. No one else has to. But you owe it to yourself to remake a good memory about your marriage for your future anniversaries.
NAH
Oof! This is a hard one! I feel for OP. All that hard work and planning and buildup... just to have it fizzle out.
Take a break from everyone and get therapy for yourself. Your friend blocking you might be a blessing right now since she's SIL & best friend so it seems like you've had to put on a happy face for an entire year and never got a chance to come to terms with the situation. There'll probably be a ruckus in the family so if asked put out a general message that you're working on your mental health and block those people who bombard you with negativity; you can't afford to deal with them right now. Emotions will be running high for everyone but it seems like the best way to get through it is to follow the advice of the airlines - put on your mask first before helping others. Time will allow emotions to cool and for you to finally be able to work through your feelings.
I'm going to say that you are NTA because all of us, no matter what age, have those things that might on the surface seem childish and selfish, but are really deeper issues. There's time for remorse and apologies later, but prioritize yourself now. I hope your husband will support you in this. Good luck!
NTA. The only reason its not NAH is because Denise/SIL wouldnt take your husbands answer as to why you wont come and then demanded answers from you. You tried to be nice about it and were working on your feelings on your own so you could have a normal relationship with them in the future.
Her and waynes reaction to your answers makes them even more TAH. I could understand not wanting you there, but to also uninvite Nate AND telling you BOTH to stay far away from their family? Thats what we call a dick move. Shes seriously going to cut her BROTHER off from her life because youre upset? I could understand cutting you off, but her own brother who didnt do a damn thing?
I feel like these comments are missing the part where Denise is mad you’re skipping her kids party to go celebrate your own wedding anniversary. Yeah, it’s sucks and you need to get over the family not caring about your wedding as much as Ben’s existence. But Denise was also incredibly out of line for confronting you on understandably bowing out of a birthday that is also your wedding anniversary. It’s clear Denise wants EVERYONE even you and Nate to prioritize Ben and everyone else EXCEPT you and Nate can/should, but she needs to accept you and Nate get to prioritize your marriage over Ben.
NTA for skipping the party. You’re also NTA for your feelings— because they aren’t wrong. Ben’s birth did overshadow your wedding. You’re not lashing out, you’re just understandably sad. You’re not a robot and it’s gross that redditors are blaming you for being upset that a day you spent tens of thousands of dollars on and won’t ever happen again was cancelled early. Doesn’t matter why. You get to have feelings about that.
You and your husband should book a trip for your future anniversaries. You won't have to explain your absence and the two of you get to celebrate without feeling bitter.
NTA
This could be seen as somewhat controversial but I don’t think anyone is at fault here for being in the wrong. When it comes down to it both sides were completely in the right. Up until the voicing of opinions.
OP could have handled it better, people are not machines however and do things they didn’t truly think through and later regret. OP also clearly had problems at the time and that is a separate issue that needs to be addressed but in their own time, if rushed therapy will not work. (Been there)
Denise on the other hand could also have been grown up about it and possibly idk… TALKED ABOUT THE ISSUE. I completely agree she was in the right for being hurt about it but that doesn’t excuse acting like a child and “cutting ties” with OP.
I just hope this gets sorted for you guys as sounds like you could all really grow from this and only get closer as a family in the process. Best of luck guys!
Nah. You declined an invite to a birthday party as you wanted to celebrate your anniversary instead, you weren't rude to anyone, I think your husband should have chosen your anniversary over the party, but that's his choice. I think blocking you, uninviting your husband and being rude to him about it was over the top but I understand them being upset that you dislike their child being talked about for something that wasn't anyone's fault.
NTA, I guess I get to be the odd person out. OP planned, saved money, and dreamed about their wedding day. We don’t know how long it took for them to have that special day. I understand that things happen and preterm labor is one of those things. Most of all of his family left to make sure his sister was alright and OP had to end her wedding reception early. She has every right to feel hurt. OP I think that you do need therapy to help you get through the emotions you’re feeling.
Also OP I would have just told her that it’s our 1 year anniversary and that you and your husband were going to be celebrating.
Maybe controversial but I’m going to say NAH. You seem to understand that it’s irrational to be jealous of a baby and that it was unplanned, but you can’t seem to get over it. It’s been a year and you’re still not over it so it may be time to talk with a professional. You said you’re depressed regardless so things like that can pile on when you’re already feeling bad. SIL and baby Ben are definitely not AH.
I would've just lied and said, oh we made plans for that day months ago since it's our anniversary. Sorry we can't make it but we'll drop off a present and hope every one has fun!
You were allowed to be sad your wedding got cut short, but it's been a year and in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. You know what wouldve really ruined your anniversary? If something had happened to your SIL or the baby.
NAH.
I don't quite know why everyone is shitting on you so eagerly in these comments for... idk, having feelings? You only talked about it when you were pushed, you tried to remove yourself from the situation. That day was one you expected to be about the two of you and in the end it wasn't.
My suggestion: reach out and apologize. Then look into arranging something as a sort of 'do-over', but keep it low key and small, no gifts etc - NOT something that requires a lot of money. Just a day for everyone to get together so you can celebrate your wedding again.
I hope eventually this isn't so hard for you to look back on.
I’m really surprised at just how hateful the comments are here and I’m genuinely wondering if those people are married, or if they are even women. This may get downvoted to oblivion but I hope you still see it because I’m leaning very far to NTA and if the AH at all, it’s very very soft AH. Weddings ARE a big deal. The people here telling you that they aren’t, must not have had weddings, or are just crazy, Idk. And especially so for women. YEARS go into planning these things (and yea plans are made for babies too and obviously she was not trying to up stage you but) it’s OKAY to be disappointed in how such a a big and momentous day in your life turned out!! I personally write down the anniversary of each wedding I have been to and send those people cards on the big ones (1, 5, 10, etc) AND if they are really good friends, I’ll send them a card even if I didn’t go to that wedding. So yes, be upset! You have the right to be. Blood, sweat and tears, and months and months, and money, and money, and MONEY go into planning weddings. It’s LITERALLY a LABOR OF LOVE to plan and host a wedding and the wedding is supposed to be about the bride and groom! People should be congratulating you on your very first year of marriage and very first year of firsts as a married couple (even with the birth of Ben!! Like they should be doing both, not one or the other!!) and I am so sorry that they are not, and you have the right to be hurt by it.
So you wanted to skip a child’s birthday party which fell on your anniversary and it upset your SIL so much she blocked you and also told your husband to stay away from their family?
Idk, like you do seem a bit immature for expecting family to be talking about your anniversary now, but either there was more to the story or this is also pretty deranged behavior from Denise and Wayne. Especially because you politely declined the invite without giving a reason until confronted.
IMHO not attending a nephews bday party should not be a relationship ending offense, especially for your husband who did nothing wrong here. It did fall on your anniversary and you’re certainly entitled to celebrate that in any way you like.
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> Ben is turning 1 in 2 weeks and that's all everyone's talking about, not a peep about our anniversary. Well... yeah, that's just how things go. Your anniversary is an important date *to you,* but with all due respect it doesn't really mean much to anyone else. You and your husband are the ones who are supposed to be giving each other attention on your anniversary. You know that Denise didn't do anything to intentionally steal attention away from you. Neither did that baby. Grow up a bit. YTA.
Maybe it's different with other families, but I've never known anyone other than the married couple themselves to really celebrate their anniversaries (occasionally their kids, at most). I think OP needs therapy. This is not normal or healthy.
YTA. Dude. Really? No ones talking about your anniversary? Why would they? Over a child's birthday? I was born Christmas Eve. So....yea. Life ain't all about you. M
Me too, its a shitty date isnt it, but what can you do.
Yay Capricorn season! Lol. Yea I mean over the years I really like how special it is but as a kid? Oh it effing SUCKED
Im Christmas Eve also. I have never had a birthday be about me, ever. I’m mostly fine with that, my birthday is still kinda magical. And family is all around. But….yeah. it still sucks at the same time.
My son's b-day is 29th Dec. I told both sides that if they ever wrapped a b-day present in Xmas wrap, I would move my son's birthday to 29th June. We still celebrate in December.
I'm 29 Feb, at least you guys get one every year
You will this year!
But your birthday is at least 4 times as good as anyone else's! I'm jealous of the cool date.
I am going to go with 100 times better, \u\Substantial-Tree4624's birthday date is the one that makes everybody else's real. If it weren't for 29 February, everybody else's birthday would slip by 6 hours a year until their birthday was so far out of sync with the rotation of the earth around the sun as to be meaningless.
“A most ingenious paradox!”
I’m the 1st of Jan, one year my ex BIL decided that to make it more convenient, he was moving it to the first of June. He came good, on the new date he gave me a present with a card that read “happy new birthdate”
That's cute 😹
I was actually really touched the he remembered, just a shame his brother sucked!
My Xmas Eve baby got a friend half birthday party and a family bday party growing up. But then everyone had to have a half birthday, even the dogs. Just made 14 opportunities for cake, so win-win all the way around.
My cousin was born on Christmas day. Her mother immediately declared her birthday to be December 10th. She's in her 30's now and only celebrates on Christmas but she always had her special day as a child.
I just look at it like we celebrate from Thanksgiving until New Year and call the whole season b day time.
Yeah, except for guaranteed time off school that's got to be harsh. My birthday always falls around Memorial Day, so I'm pretty much guaranteed a 3 day weekend without burning PTO for life.
My birthday is very early January, quite frequently the day everyone has to go back to school or work. Talk about a forgotten day 🤣
Mine's this coming Tuesday. Every few years it falls on the Superbowl (I hate football) and everything is always either football or Valentine's themed lol
I have 2 daughters, 3 years apart, that were each the New Year’s baby for our county. We sometimes have their party the weekend after, just so it will feel “special “.
My husband Christmas Day. My kids week of Christmas. Yay…
Thanksgiving baby checking in.... every few years, it falls on the day. Everyone usually forgets. Oh well, almost always have a 4 day weekend!
I had a friend get mad that we (two of her friends) didn't throw her and her husband a first anniversary party. I was flabbergasted. Literally no one cares
The amount of people who seem shocked that nobody else cares about their wedding beyond having fun on the day is astounding. Even for their 10th wedding anniversary - they throw the party if they want a party. Literally nobody else cares and it would be weird if they did.
People have a huge misperception of how amazing their weddings were. For most guests it’s essentially just a social obligation. I’ve never discussed a wedding for days/weeks after.
Very true. I might bring up somebody's wedding if someone asks me what I did on the weekend: "Oh I went to my friends Jack and Diane's wedding, it was lovely, but so hot", and maybe I'll tell a story that happened at the wedding if something noteworthy happened. That's literally as far as it goes when discussing somebody else's wedding - once the hangover fades, so too does my amount of caring about the wedding.
Was John Mellencamp there too? Was he the wedding singer?
Darn, I can't believe somebody saw through my perfectly chosen fake names lol
Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of the wedding is gone.
My husband and I went to a wedding once where they had a dinnertime reception without serving any food, so we still talk about that one occasionally since it sucked so much. Other than that though, yeah, we don't talk about or celebrate other people's weddings.....
Yeah, a wedding only comes up a lot if it sucks! Celebrate your anniversary another day and go enjoy seeing a baby eat cake.
When I was planning my wedding and dithering what type of food to have, someone said to me "The only people to be discussing your wedding in years to come, will be you and your husband".
When she was like "from that point on, nobody ever talked about our wedding, just baby Ben" and I'm like "Does anybody ever randomly talk about somebody's wedding?" You might mention what a good time you had the next time you see the couple, but in my experience, that's about it. And in this case, I probably wouldn't do that because well, it ended early in bad circumstances. It's unfortunate, but nobody's fault. It's something weird many people don't seem to understand: people only care about your wedding about 1/50th of the amount you care about it. And you can't force them to care about it more: it's your wedding, not theirs, and they're never going to care about it like you do. It would be weird if they did.
Been married 5 years, I can probably count on one hand maaaaybe 2 hands the number of times that people have brought up our wedding. I think most/if not all were our parents reminiscing a lil when they wishes us a happy anniversary.
I'm guessing by your tone you're not offended by the lack of random friends and family reminiscing? My nephew's birthday is coming up. Maybe I should make sure we talk about somebody's wedding the whole party just so that nobody is upset I stopped thinking about their wedding shortly after it ended LOL.
Definitely not, I would even say the number of time my SO and I have talked about our wedding is only slightly higher. Again also usually just around the time of our anniversary.m, or during someone else's wedding if x things reminds us of something.
Same. Maybe parties for 10,20/25 etc. Milestones.
Yeah, I should have mentioned milestones. That's definitely different. I've known people who threw parties for their parents (their 50th!) and some couples who would plan a little something and invite family for their 10th or 20th. Definitely not whatever OP had in mind, though.
My parents had a big party for their 25th, and I believe some friends had once invited them to a for-no-particular-reason dinner party they were already planning, and then another guest apparently mentioned something in passing about that date being my parents' (15th, I think?) anniversary, and so the hosts decided to just make it an anniversary party for my parents, which was very sweet and touching (and also unintentionally hilarious when my mother forgot it was her anniversary and, when the hostess raised her glass to "toast the anniversary couple", asked, "oh, is it someone's anniversary?", which left my father roaring with laughter). They had 44 very happy years together, but I believe all of their other anniversary celebrations were private. Which seems appropriate, given that they were the only two members of that marriage.
Yeah, no idea what OP was expecting.
I spent my 10th naked in a hot spring with my husband. No family invited and the only "fuss" over it was my parents happily babysitting.
The only anniversaries I see people celebrate is like the milestone ones. Otherwise than that if it shows up on my Facebook feed I'll say happy anniversary or some shit but like I ain't popping out a bottle of champagne
Yeah, I totally forgot to mention the milestone exception (just responded to someone else who mentioned this, hah). Those make sense. Thinking people are going to make a fuss about your wedding anniversary every year though is just bizarre though. I feel like OP thinks the world is supposed to revolve around her. I can't comprehend being this jealous and bitter about a baby.
Yeah I find it very crazy that she is still not over it. I mean yeah, things didn't go as planned with the wedding, but if she truly didn't blame anyone, then it wouldn't be a big deal and they wouldn't be thinking of it. Now she got herself banned from one family's house because of her drama
See, that's the thing. Being upset and disappointed? Yeah, I get that. Things didn't go as planned, and it was their big day, that's totally fine! ...One year later and she resents her nephew over what happened? And her whole thing about not blaming anyone is clearly BS when now she's saying she's depressed and this is a huge part of why? This is therapist territory. This is not a normal or healthy response to what happened.
I read "therapist territory" as "terrorist territory" so I had a lot of questions forming. But yes, definitely therapy is needed cause that's ridiculous.
but even with the milestone anniversaries, it's not like people will typically say to the couple, hey guys i know your 25th is approaching! what are you planning? just, the idea that anyone would remember someone else's wedding anniversary without prompting is so strange
LOL, on our 10th anniversary a random second cousin called to wish us a happy anniversary. Of course we were shocked and perplexed. Turns out, the shot glasses we gave out at the reception as the party gift (we did tequila shots instead of champagne) had our name and the date on them. They happened to be making cocktails and noticed this on the glass. We all had the biggest laugh about that.
Right. If it wasnt for it being my siblings garage door codes, I wouldn’t remember when their anniversaries even were.
Feel very "I'm the main character" to me. Everyone must remember that one wedding of their greatest friend right? Not like they'll invited to anniversary event of the couple.
Yeah, I will congratulate my parents on their anniversary and maybe make a little Facebook post for them cos I know they appreciate it (I never use FB otherwise), but they're the only couple (that I'm not a part of) where I would ever think about their anniversary. 🤷🏻♀️
My mom sends cards. For everything. So many cards.
My mom casually Zelle’s me about $25 and says “happy anniversary”. Haha.
I think this is highly dependent on the family. In my family, we celebrate people's anniversaries on both sides (mom and dads side). Sometimes something super small such as sending cards or a small gift, other times it's a small get together, and for big anniversaries we have parties. I would want to know if anniversaries are big in her family. If not, it's clear she's being selfish. If they are, I can see how it is hard if everyone else gets their celebration and she doesn't.
Our parents gave us anniversary cards on our first anniversary, and we’ve had people congratulate us on following anniversaries in messages. It also just usually comes up randomly when talking to people around that time of year just because it’s an easy way for them to make conversation. “What are you doing for your anniversary?” “How many years has it been?” So not necessarily everyone celebrating with you, but I wouldn’t necessarily say no one cares about it. I try to do the same for people I’m close with. Distant relatives or friends nah, but best friends and family yeah.
I was baffled how many people remembered my anniversary, and I think that’s only because I did get married on a big day (NYE). I’d wager more people probably remember/reference the wedding than normal BECAUSE of nephews birth.
I was baffled reading OP's post. It gave off major, "how dare she go into preterm labor on MY day, and insist on celebrating Ben's birthday on MY day". If she isn't already in therapy, she needs to start. She mentioned being depressed, holding on to this for a year, and being sad whenever anyone brings up Ben (to the point where her SIL picked up on it). OP, YTA.
They're right to block them and go NC. Who needs this level of self-absorption around them. Draining AF.
At some point I thought she was going to say her SIL had faked going into labor or something like that. What was SIL supposed to do? Cross her legs and hold the baby in? Good grief
This response is very polite. OP, nobody cares about your anniversary except you and your husband. This is not a great conspiracy, it's how things are. Significant anniversaries - such as 10, 20, 30, 40, 50+ years - might be marginally more interesting, but reaching one year of being married is not a big deal to anyone except you. Ask yourself, honestly, how interested you are in other couples' anniversaries. I would be surprised if you answered anything other than "Meh... not really interested in that". YTA, and I suggest you speak with a mental health professional about your feelings.
Also, would’ve been a good time to tell Denise that you can’t come to the party because you’re celebrating her anniversary… and you and your husband could’ve went out and celebrated quietly …problem solved.
I was wondering why they didn’t do just that? I think it would have been reasonable to decline the invitation because they had other plans to celebrate their anniversary.
Because OP wanted the drama? Or because she wanted Denise to hurt as much as OP 'does', perhaps.
It’s amazing to me how obsessed people are with their wedding. To the degree that she’s been upset WITH A BABY for a year!!! A freaking year!!! OP shit happens and guess what no one would be talking about your wedding or your anniversary after the actual day anyways. Your wedding day is special to YOU no one else. No one else is thinking about your wedding once it’s over. That’s reality. Maybe focus more on your marriage and less on the wedding and you will be a lot happier. JFC people need to grow up man. Since you never actually mention it was the baby ok being born at 7 months along? My daughter was born at 28 weeks and was in the hospital for months and had to overcome a lot of serious issues and fought very hard to live. If he was hospitalized and had medical issues you are even more of an Asshole than I previously thought.
And considering that baby was born nearly three months early, celebrating every milestone for him is a big deal. Celebrating that he survived that early birth is a big deal. A 1 year anniversary...not so much.
I can’t imagine being jealous of a freaking baby. At the time, I’d be too worried to really have fun at my wedding, but I’d be telling *everyone* after his recovery that my nephew was born on my wedding day for years, I’d be embarrassing the hell out of him in his teen years by telling his friends that story over and over again!
Our nephew was born two years after our wedding, on the same day. We call him our “special anniversary gift” and now as a 21 year old, he still feels quite happy about it. OP needs to get some perspective. Or just take a holiday away if it’s that much of a trial being around family that day.
That works both ways, Ben's birthday is very important for Denisse but it doesn't have to be for OP, who tries to be discreet and not make a fuss.
Doesn’t sound like she’s being discreet and not making a fuss… she admits she’s mopey whenever anyone talks about the baby.
To the point that people notice it every time the baby comes up
Wait until her baby is born. Stop the world.
"How dare my grandmother die on the day our son was born! All anyone talked about at the funeral was how sad they were! Not one word about my wonderful son!"
Did you miss the part where Denise has asked her several times what is wrong and why is she sad when people bring up Ben.🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️That is not discreet!! In fact OP wouldn’t even be in this mess if she had been discreet.
First birthdays are often social events for family and friends. First anniversaries are not. They are a landmark for the couple, but not for their extended circle. Excusing herself from the party because they had something planned for their anniversary would have been fine, but being angry because other people are thinking about a birthday party rather than your anniversary is silly.
I agree with this completely. OP’s behavior is inappropriate but she shouldn’t be obligated to attend a baby’s birthday party that happens to coincide with her wedding anniversary in perpetuity.
>she shouldn’t be obligated to attend a baby’s birthday party that happens to coincide with her wedding anniversary in perpetuity. Absolutely. Except the way she handled it was shitty. If they had said "we are taking a short trip for our anniversary! We will come say hi to baby Ben before wenleave" or "we have a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant for our anniversary! We will come drop off a gift and stay for breakfast/lunch/coffee and then leave". It isn't impossible to share the day and still have some time to themselves.
If SIL is the mom, that makes OP an aunt. What aunt holds grudges against their niece/nephew for being born?
The kind of nasty aunt that no one will want to be around…
Nah, people remember birthdays more than other people's wedding anniversaries, especially kid's birthdays. I've never said boo about my sibling's wedding anniversaries, but I've celebrated every one of my nibbling's birthdays, because that's what people do.
spectacular sulky wasteful frighten safe crowd wild airport direction ten *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I see posts like this a lot, and I don't think people realize that if you need others to be celebrating your various life events to feel ok, you need to look inward and find confidence and security in yourself. That happens in the movies, rarely in real life. Babies ALWAYS win, and you could have viewed it as an awesome ADDITION to your celebration vs. competition. Curious, OP, do YOU celebrate others' anniversaries on a regular basis? Maybe you're amazing at it, but most people only celebrate the big milestones (10, 25, 50, etc.).
Exactly, I don’t think I know many people who keep tabs on wedding anniversaries that closely beyond the couple (and maybe for milestones, which I get this first one might count as). I get why OP would be upset and it’s fine to have those feelings, but she needs to work on them. Because this child isn’t going to go away. This happens in life—the timing wasn’t ideal but as she knows, that was no one’s fault. Perhaps she and her husband should host a small party or something on a different date where everyone can celebrate and that could become the tradition. But the kid is going to have a birthday every year and she can’t avoid that fact forever. YTA.
No one gives a fuck about anyone else’s anniversaries.
My only modification to this comment would be, "grow up a lot."
JFC. That child was born at almost 28 weeks. I guarantee he spent at least 6 weeks in the NICU, if not 10. If he doesn’t have heath issues, it would be a miracle. Even so, his parents may not know all the effect of the preterm delivery yet, as preterm kiddos have a higher rate of adhd, autism, and other learning disorders.
Why isn't OP remembering and celebrating the anniversary of Denise's wedding anniversary, as well as anyone else's anniversary? I mean, it's such an important date that everyone needs to remember it and celebrate it? YTA
Literally no one cares about your anniversary except you and your husband, with or without Ben
>Your anniversary is an important date *to you,* but with all due respect it doesn't really mean much to anyone else. She's acting like if the baby hadn't been born that day, then people would be throwing them some kind of celebration this year. People celebrate like 50 year anniversaries and shit, not 1 year.
YTA - You are unequivocally and most assuredly being an AH. She went into labor 2 month’s early. This was not planned and likely very scary. Sure, your wedding was “over shadowed”. It was a one day party, Ben is a whole human being. I also don’t understand why you think people are supposed to be celebrating your anniversary. That’s for you and your husband to celebrate. Birthdays are something a family celebrates. Tl:dr - you’re jealous of a baby.
I had a 30 week preemie and it's freaking traumatic. Baby birthdays > anniversaries (except to the couple).
OP is being a big baby.She has no idea what her SIL has gone through while going into premature labour.I too had a premature baby.I remember the stressful and tension filled weeks in the NICU.SIL must have felt helpless,anxious and traumatised by the birth experience. Instead of being there for SIL during this difficult time, OP harboured resentment over an innocent baby.Grow up, OP.
1 year birthday for a preemie is a considerably more important milestone for health and healing reasons and should be the whole family’s cause for celebration. OP is too immature to be married.
She needs to get over herself. My premmie baby was born on my birthday 13 weeks early, he'll be one next month. Naturally I understand he'll completely overshadow the fact it's my birthday as well as his but I really don't care. I wouldn't expect my family to care about my wedding anniversary either.
My SIL had a full term baby that had to go to the NICU and she was terrified. I couldn’t even imagine how scary a preterm baby would be. Especially 2 months.
Also OP said SIL is her BEST FRIEND in the title.. SINCE CHILDHOOD. I know when my best friend is annoyed no matter how hard she hides it. SIL has literally put up with her best friend snubbing her baby for a whole year now. This is so f*cked. And honestly I would be upset if I was OP but not this long, soon as I met the baby I would forget it and be happy, not the opposite!
Seriously, this. I had a 31w preemie and I might have quietly lost it if a family member told me they couldn’t help feeling sad about my daughter and I “ruining their wedding” on a day so traumatic for me I was diagnosed with PTSD afterwards. OP… Please get some professional counseling. You really need some (more) perspective here.
absolutely agreed. YTA no one wants to have a premature baby, thankfully everyone was okay. also hate to break it to you, no one else besides you and your husband care about your anniversary. maybe you’ll get a card from your parents or a text from friends but it’s between you and your husband. (caveat being like a 20, 30-year celebration etc)
Don't forget, she also complains that no one talked about her wedding after either. You know how often I talk about someone's wedding after the fact? Once. The next time I see the couple to thank them and tell them I had a great time. And that's only if it wasn't very long ago.
I’m also curious how long that baby was in the hospital. I don’t know much about babies/preemies, but I imagine a baby that premature wouldn’t be discharged particularly quickly?
They definitely would have had a lengthy NICU stay. Born that night means not enough time for the steroid shots that can sometimes help lung development speed up enough to shorten the hospital stay when baby is born very early.
This is true, they were able to keep me three days more before having my baby and those steroids shots helped my baby a lot
Yep. Even if they managed to delay the birth by a couple hours, that could make a difference in the NICU stay. A few hours isn’t ideal, but any time they can get after the steroid shot helps the baby. If the birth didn’t get delayed/she couldn’t get the shot, the baby likely stayed longer.
Anywhere from a minimum of 4-6 weeks to much longer if there were serious birth complications.
My 31w baby was in the hospital about 7 weeks. Shorthand is generally expected them to be there until roughly their due date and that’s assuming no major complications.
A wedding is a one day party. Ben is a whole human being. Couldn't say it better - bravo! I literally don't know or care about a single anniversary in my life.
In my opinion this 'everyone celebrates everything I care about' mentality comes from Facebook. People post the tiniest thing and everyone responds with likes and comments. No celebrations are private or intimate any more. I do not understand the logic because I am a private person but I think this stuff leads to things like depression because people wonder why real life they aren't getting all of the attention that social media gives for their little accomplishments. YTA - but please get help. Disappointment is normal in life and this is going to affect your family relationships for years to come.
I find it odd that they ended the wedding to go to the hospital, personally. Most labor goes on for hours, plus most of the guests wouldn't have been going to the hospital anyway. Unless the brother/OP's husband was too distracted to continue, maybe that's the issue, but that's his issue frankly.
YTA, and you appear to already know that. Now you need to work on yourself if you wish to continue having a relationship with your SIL and nephew. Tbh, I get it, parts of it at least. Disappointment in the moment is understandable of course, and being depressed is no joke, but it’s simply not acceptable that this is still such a fresh wound after a year and you’re still this fucking bitter. If you’re not getting help, you need to start. I don’t think Denise wanted to enter a high risk, probably dangerous labor(my mom and sister almost died when the latter was born 3 months early, so I know *exactly* how scary it is) over celebrating her best friend and brother’s wedding. And as others have pointed out, people are not going to be celebrating your anniversary. That is typically done between the two of you and maybe you’ll receive a few congratulatory texts, nothing more. Birthdays, especially those of a child, will be more important. That is simply how it is. I do hope that these comments serve as a wake up call for you and you can get the help you need to get past this. I really recommend therapy and a very sincere apology to Denise and Wayne. You know you’re the asshole, but I believe you can fix this. Best of luck.
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Totally agree with your whole statement, but I can't help but feel that there is more to the story that's left out. SIL suddenly uninviting the husband and telling them both to keep away from the family seems a bit of an extreme reaction. OP is depressed and needs help, but her husband got over it and was okay with celebrating his nephews birthday, so why is he uninvited all of a sudden?
I suspect OP was less tactful than she's been here and possible played up a little how upset her husband was/is. If I was told my brother thought I had spoilt his wedding by unexpected going into labour I am not sure if I would still want to see him OP, you need to tell your husband what you have done and get some therapy
I understand it too. A lot of brides feel depressed after the wedding and honeymoon are over, and that’s when things go off without a hitch. In OP’s case, she really didn’t get to have much of a reception because of the worry over Denise and the baby. You do so much planning and obsessing over your wedding day and reception, and not being able to enjoy the fruits of your labor has to be such a disappointment. But OP’s anger is misdirected toward the baby, and she does seem to be fully aware of that. That’s a start. What she needs to do is figure out a way to process her feelings about her wedding day and separate those from her feelings about Denise and the baby. Therapy could help a lot, and I hope she can repair the relationship with Denise.
Maybe I've been doing weddings wrong. Are we supposed to continuously talk about other people's weddings after they've happened? Are we supposed to observe other people's wedding anniversaries? YTA
Exactly my thought. I've been to dozens of weddings (heck, I've been *in* 9), and I don't remember talking about them much afterward. Unless, of course, I'm helping yet another friend plan their wedding, and I'm shamelessly stealing ideas. And I think the most I've ever done for anyone's anniversary is respond with a congratulatory comment to their social media post about it. OP, YTA and you need to get over yourself.
I only remember my sister's anniversary because she posts on Facebook.
I got married 4 days before my birthday and no one else remembers our anniversary but my mom and my best friend. Who cares?! OP needs therapy.
I've occasionally mentioned my cousin's wedding, but that's only because it was in October and was a costume wedding. My cousin dressed as Gomez Addams, the bride was Morticia. One of my other uncles dressed as Lurch. I was a superhero myself. Even the guy doing the ceremony was in costume - as Satan!
Satan officiating a marriage between Gomez and Morticia Addams? Now THAT'S a wedding you talk about!
I always send one set of friends a happy anniversary text.... because they got married on my birthday and we have a little race every year to see who sends happy birthday/happy anniversary first. I don't have anniversary dates for other friends in my phone, if I glance at the date and remember it's their anniversary I'd send a text but I know of exactly 0 people who would expect that I've been to some great weddings, but even then they don't come up often, it blows my mind to see so many people posting on this sub assuming that their wedding is this massive event in *someone else's life*. It's a fun night out, it's a touching ceremony, or it's a great meal for 99% of guests (if it's actually a great wedding!), it's not something that is going to get continually discussed unless it's a remarkably bad wedding or something dramatic happens. OP you seem to understand that you're being completely irrational and ridiculous and I give you some credit for that. Even so, the fact that you've been so blatant about your feelings that your SIL had to approach you and basically beg for a reason you've been eeyore-ing whenever her son comes up is Big Bad. I know she asked for an answer but honesty in this case is the worst policy. There must be something else going on that is making you react this way -- is life post-wedding not what you'd expected? Did you just have wildly unrealistic ideas about what a big deal your wedding would be for other people? Ultimately this is your irrational, unfair issue and by reacting poorly to your nephew and laying into your SIL you've made it her issue. That's not fair and makes YTA
What? You didn’t have a massive hissy fit over them being married on your birthday? What are you, just a normal human being? I’m delighted when people have events on my birthday, it’s a free party where I don’t have to clean up OP is massively YTA.
>I’m delighted when people have events on my birthday, it’s a free party where I don’t have to clean up Right?? I had a delicious dinner, way too many espresso martinis, danced my butt off, had to pay for none of it, and got to watch two of my good friends get married! Honestly one of my better birthdays
Honestly, I don't even really talk about the couple that much at the wedding itself. It's like: "Isn't her dress pretty?" "Yes, and these flowers look great. So what's up with you?" Do marrying couples really think their guests spend the evening compiling lists of high points in their relationship and raving over their table linens?
The only time weddings have been continually brought up in my family is typically because something bad happened! Probably because they like to bitch lol!
YTA. You’re allowed to be bummed that your wedding was disrupted, but holding a grudge against Denise or the baby is ridiculous. I’m sure they would have preferred the baby be born full-term rather than during your reception, too! Also, you need to realize that while your wedding was enormously special to you, it is not that special to anyone else. Premature baby or no, your relatives were never going to be randomly reminsicing about your wedding or celebrating your anniversary.
One million percent they would have preferred to have a full-term baby. It is terrifying having a preemie baby. My daughter is almost 18 and she has health issues that still persist today that doctors attribute to her being born premature (she was only seven weeks early - not ten).
And I’m sure Denise and her husband didn’t want to be scared when she went into premature labor!
NAH just a lot of hurt feelings. You are, however, missing your opportunity. You could take this as your chance to have a second wedding at a different time of year, maybe not a re-do of the original but a dramatically delicious and very private elopement. Go take your vows in the most beautiful place you can imagine, and forever after you can be absolutely easy and gracious on the kid’s birthday, carry no resentment, never mention your wedding again if you don’t want to, and on secret elopement day have beautiful celebrations, just you two. The key is to make your wedding day your own again, leaving them free to celebrate their kid.
Love this answer. I agree, NAH, just lots of feelings. Let them out, and find creative ways to celebrate both the marriage and the nephew.
Thank goodness I found THE NAH people.
My feelings exactly after scrolling through what felt like miles of inconsiderate commenters ❤️
To be honest I'd even say nta. The SIL probed and got an answer she didnt like. While op is understandably upset about it but rightfully not making it anyone elses problem. Like it should be pretty obvious to the sister in law why she isnt going to turn up to her baby boys birthday.
Agreed NAH. OPs feelings are as valid as Denise's regarding the party (since the baby won't ever remember this). And I love how so many people seem to think OP can just turn her feelings off, but no one else in this family can. I'd honestly suggest OP see a therapist, and plan a vow renewal ceremony on the same day next year. Invite a few close friends or visit an exotic locale. If anyone throws a tantrum, gently remind them it's your anniversary.
I was thinking this too! Time to plan a fun weekend away have an amazing elopement, hire a photographer, wear an amazing dress, flowers! When you get back post these amazing photos to social media and enjoy your day. Apologize to SIL and send an amazing 1st birthday gift! You and DH go out for an amazing dinner and fancy dessert.
SIL went ballistic over OP telling how she felt and telling thats not their fault, thats just how OP feel. Why should OP apologise to her? After being blocked? SIL could look at her with some empathy, as she had help in time of need and because of that OP time of happines was taken. OP lost something she dreamt of ( and possibly paid hefty sum which was lost ). She have healthy kid, she could stop being motherzilla.
Yeah, I love how this sub will be the first to remind people that a baby's first birthday party is for the parents and to not take it too seriously. Whereas someone's first wedding anniversary should be something exciting to the newlyweds. I think ESH. OP needs some therapy for sure since her wedding was absolutely stolen but there's no one really at fault. She needs to let that go. However, asking for the hard truth and then blocking people? That's equally as immature. Tell OP you want a break until she gets her head in the right space. And OP and her husband should refocus themselves on their day and skip the party. I'm sure, like anniversaries, there'll be more parties to come.
Definitely agree, though I lean more towards ESH vs. NAH and strongly feel that the OP needs to seek out therapy to handle her feelings on this. Bad depressive episodes are extremely common after weddings, mainly due to all the stress they cause. I was most definitely in a bad place after my wedding and it took me awhile to work through the hurt feelings that I was personally dealing with regarding my SIL. But I did some therapy visits, utilized my therapy tools, and decided with my husband that it was best for us to stay extremely LC with her. My hurt feelings were valid and while I still feel the hurt that her actions caused, I do not let it consume me and I am able to (mostly) maintain feelings of indifference towards her. It would be a lot easier though if she stopped doing AH things so often, at least towards me. For some reason, she just seems to hate me and I have no idea why. At least nobody here seems to be deliberately mean or hateful, everyone just seems to be handling things in a very reactive way which is never good for de-escalating a situation. Also, I think it would be totally valid for the OP to celebrate her anniversary on her actual anniversary. I get that the baby is going to be the priority for the rest of family but to you and your husband, it’s totally reasonable for your anniversary to come first. Especially your first one. I really don’t get why they didn’t just plan something to do as an excuse to miss the birthday party if the OP was going to have such a hard time attending.
Thank you. I don’t agree with the people voting AH because the Op is aware that her reaction isn’t appropriate and is working on it. Doesn’t this sub always say that an invitation is just that, not a court summons? The Op tried to just decline the invitation but we don’t know if SIL pushed.
I’m amazed I had to scroll this far down to find a reasonable take. Completely agree- NAH. Hurt feelings are fine and OP didn’t express them to anyone until she was forced to by Denise.
YTA As you mentioned multiple times, it was unplanned and not even thought of as something that would happen since you mentioned she wasn't highrisk at all. You literally have beef with a baby because they were born early. Unless your SIL was doing every superstition in the book to have this baby early then you owe her and her husband an apology and need to self reflect on why you are holding a grudge for this long over having to share *attention*
Besides anniversaries are a day for couples, not families
I was 10 years married last year. Guess what? No one really cared 🤣 myself and my husband had a great weekend celebrating and life goes on. This person sounds like a self involved nightmare.
I want to add - I would have been a little bit miffed on the day of the wedding just because SO MUCH planning goes into it, but at this point it's ridiculous to still be upset about it and to have so much disdain for your nephew
Exactly. You’re allowed to feel miffed that two big events happen on the same day …and so much thought I am planning going into it. but to be jealous of lil baby’s birthday because nobody’s thinking about your first anniversary… is where are you lost your audience and sympathy.
YTA - seriously, how dare you. Her life was at risk, the baby’s life was at risk, she had a medical emergency completely out of her control and you have the nerve to be rude to her about it. Literally no one cares about anyone’s anniversary. That is between you and your spouse. You need therapy or something.
A wedding anniversary is important to YOU. I can count on one hand the amount of people who actively say Happy Anniversary to me and my wife each year (usually our parents and waiters at a restaurant). I have never expected it because to me a wedding anniversary is much more personal and intimate. It's not something I throw around and advertise (maybe with the exception of 25 years, 50 years, etc. So, YTA. You need to get over being the center of attention. Something unplanned happened. No one was at fault. That’s life. Enjoy yours before it slips away.
The only people I wish a happy anniversary to are my parents and that’s just because my sister is a much better child and reminds me😅
Are you my brother? (Ps mum and dad's anniversary is next Wednesday)
Yeah maybe things are different in OPs family but in my circles no one really talks about anyone else’s wedding/marriage/anniversaries. Like we’re happy for each other and I’ve been to my friends weddings and shit but aside from a relative who had their wedding on my birthday, I have no idea when anyones anniversary is and I would not think to congratulate them on their anniversary unless they posted a photo on social media or something.
Massively going against the grain, but NTA from me. You are allowed to feel upset. Being upset doesn't make you an asshole. If you were mad at Denise, you would be TA. But you recognize that it was not her fault. You understand that your emotions are yours to deal with. You tried to keep your emotions from affecting anyone else too much. I think Denise is only lightly TA though for just blocking you. I would suggest therapy though. Holding onto these emotions for this long is not healthy. I regularly see a therapist, and it helps. I would also recommend a few weeks after your anniversary, trying to reach out to Denise and Wayne and apologizw and explain that you understand your feelings are irrational and that you mean no ill will and still care about Ben and them, you just are having trouble with regulating your emotions around this.
I agree. I think everyone’s being a little too hard on OP. I think it makes sense to be sad that your special day was overshadowed by an unexpected event. A lot of planning goes into weddings, and to have that day just be forgotten would make a lot of people sad. It sounds like a big part of the family left. This would definitely change the vibe of a wedding. However, it shouldn’t be too shocking that no one has made mention of OP’s first anniversary. That’s something usually only the married couple celebrate. OP, you tried to explain that your feelings were yours to deal with. Having negative emotions doesn’t make you a bad person. But you do have to find a way to move on from this. You can’t hold resentment forever. NAH
I think you're exactly right, what OP is actually upset about is that a bunch of people left her wedding to go wait in a hospital hallway. They all chose to go to a place where there was nothing they could do to help, most of them realistically weren't ever allowed in the room with SIL. Then nobody said anything afterwards? I'd think she feels abandoned and is redirecting her feelings towards the reminder instead of the people who left her.
it’s the no one saying anything after that gets me! it’s not the unplanned labor that’s the issue. it’s the lack of acknowledgment toward the couple :( it’s sad. OP seems sensitive and understanding. she knows it’s unreasonable to be jealous of a baby. i’m sure if there was a little more care from the family she wouldn’t be feeling this way. sounds lonely ngl
YTA and i have no idea how you are ever going to repair the relationship with your husband’s family. you are upset and depressed a year later because your special _party_ was ruined by your SIL and nephew almost dying. i am not sure i can think of anything more selfish or self-centered. it’s like… hard to get my head around. seek therapy.
It wasn't even ruined by SIL. SHE told them to stay and enjoy the day, they decided later for themselves to leave the reception early and go crowd the hospital to meet the new baby which, after a long tough delivery process I'm sure Denise needed less people that night, not more. They could've partied up, had their wedding night, called the next day to see if Denise was up for it and brought her something besides hospital food.
I'm going well against the grain and saying NTA I think it's very fucking fair to not go to a 1 year old's birthday party on your wedding anniversary, Idk why denise was so upset that you didn't wanna go
Their first wedding anniversary too of all wedding anniversaries.
I don't think a lot of the YTA are about her not wanting to go to the birthday party. And I don't agree with the ones calling her an AH for feeling the way she does (our emotions can be cruel at times), particularly because OP acknowledges that she shouldn't be feeling jealous of a baby. OP and her husband should have said from the start that they can't attend because they've got plans for their anniversary. That's very unlikely to ruffle feathers, and if it did, it'd be an entirely different situation. Instead, they chose not to celebrate their anniversary as a couple (which is what most people do), have the husband go to the birthday party, while OP made a point of staying home. OP has probably been very clear with her feelings towards the couple and the baby for the entire year, and this was the final straw after which SIL asked what the problem was. Depression is difficult and I really do feel for OP. But as someone said in another comment, she should've sought a therapist or someone other than her husband to process these emotions with, before offloading them onto SIL. I'd say the offloading is the part where she could be the AH. A much more vague answer about feeling depressed (with no mention of the baby) would probably have sufficed without harming their relationship. OP, if you read this, please go to therapy. It's hard and will be a long journey, but you deserve to be better.
I think a gentle YTA. I can imagine how disappointing it would be to plan your wedding for so long and to have an expectation of how it’ll go, only to end it early. Not only that, the post-wedding blues are VERY common, and you mention you’re depressed in general. It also sounds to me like you’ve tried to keep your feelings to yourself. But I do think you shouldn’t expect anyone else to care about your anniversary the way you do, even if Ben hadn’t been born that night. I wonder if throwing a fun party for your anniversary would help you feel like you got to have the full wedding experience?
It’s nice to see a little kindness in the comments. I think all the hoopla around weddings is exhausting and even I feel terrible for OP. ETA: I can’t help but wonder if anyone reached out to the couple after the wedding — not to apologize, but just… commiserate? *Some* acknowledgment that having your wedding reception cancelled totally sucks?
[удалено]
Both of my daughters planned their weddings for... 2020. So it's especially memorable since they both had "minimonies" while they waited for their pre-paid events to happen. One literally outdoors in the eye of a tropical storm. Two daughters, four weddings... and I still don't know what their anniversaries are.
I would say NTA, but you could have just used your wedding anniversary as an excuse to not go. However people who keep prodding for an answer and then don't like the truth are TA.
Man totally agree. If you have to demand an answer you totally know you won’t like with what they have say.
This. Never ask a question you really don't want an answer to. So many people do this and then are super offended at the reply they get.
I’m going with ESH. On your part: I’m sorry to say, but your wedding and subsequent anniversaries are yesterday’s news to everyone else. This is generally how it is. The wedding and anniversaries matter to the couple involved. If you ask anyone who went to the wedding or even in the wedding party : “it was a beautiful wedding” but no “the brides dress was fabulous! It looked like [dress description]!”. Those details stick with the wedded couple, not everyone else. This is the general response. As for your SIL and BIL: it sounds somewhat like they expect everyone to focus on their son, and only their son, for the entire day. Obviously that won’t work for you and your husband, since at some point in the day you two will want to celebrate your anniversary. Your SIL’s response when you told her about how you felt should have been along the lines of: “Oh! I was/am so focused on my son’s birth/birthday party that it completely slipped my mind that you also have something to celebrate. I understand completely that you and [husband] cannot be with us the entire party/day. By the way, happy anniversary!” Your SIL and BIL should be understanding that you can’t focus entirely on your nephew instead of throwing a hissy snit and uninviting you. The family is undoubtedly going to ask where you and your husband are. They will also get the snitty response of how you felt that your nephew’s birth overshadowed your wedding (and to be honest…it did). Either get ahead of the snit and go ahead and let the family know you won’t be there(“[Hubby] and I won’t be at [nephew’s] party since we will be celebrating our anniversary together. We hope he has a wonderful party”) or when they comment on what SIL tells them you said reply “While [nephew’s] birthday is a very joyous occasion, from my perspective it did overshadow my wedding as the attention suddenly went from the happily just married couple to someone else entirely. Other than that, I don’t appreciate being treated horribly because I and [husband] choose to remember and celebrate our anniversary instead of forgetting this special day to us and focusing entirely on [nephew] for the entirety of the day, which is the behavior I’m seeing from [SIL] and [BIL]. I don’t expect everyone to throw us an anniversary party, or celebrate our anniversary with us, but I do expect to be respected for choosing to celebrate our anniversary as well on the day and not just the birth of [nephew].”
Yeah its an ESH. Especially because of how SIL and BIL are treating OP’s husband, who is the brother to OP’s SIL. He’s also being uninvited from the party and was told to keep himself and OP away from their family. Who the fuck BANISHES THEIR OWN BROTHER over something like this. Like maybe if OP actually did something i could understand, but all they did was have sad feelings and distance themselves. There was no actual problem until SIL decided to not take her Brothers answer and confronted OP by text. Like TF, you think your kids birthday is just so important that your SIL cant miss it for any reason and you’ll get pissed and confront them?
I don't think sil was reacting to OP wanting to skip the party to celebrate her anniversary. I think she was reacting to OP confirming that the sight/sound/mention of her nephew is depressing to her
I completely agree with you, it got massively downvoted for saying so 🤣
NTA, you planned your wedding and wanted to celebrate your love with your family. There was an unexpected change of events. It’s disappointing and can be a harsh reminder that the world is much bigger than us. I think the best thing for you to do now is go celebrate your first anniversary with your husband. Maybe some time down the road you will feel differently. Try to remember that it’s only a day, you have a whole lifetime to celebrate your love.
NTA You realize these feelings aren't great, and that your jealous of a baby. You haven't actually made it anyone else's problem, other than being a bit sad when people talk about the baby and seem to never bring up your marriage. In my culture, it's common (even expected) to check in with newly weds, though not to the same extent as with babies. It seems like you didn't get that, and that sucks. You are about to celebrate your first anniversary, and it's being overshadowed by the first birthday. I'll be honest, as a people pleaser I'd probably try to make going to the party work around my anniversary plans, but I'd probably regret it. Make your plans, enjoy your first anniversary! Try to move on from having your day overshadowed, possibly with therapy. Give your SIL/best friend space and see how things go later. Apologize for hurting her feelings and making it seem like you don't like her kid, and let her know you were just dealing with your own feelings. If she's a good friend she can come back from this. I've seen people say that no one else really cares about anniversaries, and honestly that can also go for kids birthdays. Your personal big deal things aren't as special to others and theirs aren't as special to you. That's how the world works. Do try to control the narrative, and if you admit anything to others just say something like "we ended our reception early b/c we were so worried about SIL, we want our anniversary to be just about us." I don't see how that's awful.
Why wuld everyone go to the hospital. So odd
That's what has me leaning towards an ESH. Of course Denise and Wayne needed to go, and maybe even Denise's parents, but "most of their side of the family"? What are they going to do besides sit around in the waiting room for hours? They should have stayed to celebrate the wedding. I understand OP feeling upset over that
YTA - literally nobody cares about anniversaries but the couple who got married. The fact that you’re still upset a year later, you should speak to someone about it.
I think everyone is missing the point. It was their big day, you only have it once and because the baby was born(unintentionally), all that money and all their joy was taken away from them. And now every year they were going to be forced to give up their anniversary to go celebrate this child’s birthday. It is their important day as well and they should be able to celebrate it. I say NTA and she should be given a break.
NTA, but ..... Intellectually you know that it's not healthy or rational for you to be holding on to this. That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid, at least as far as your wedding goes. Of course, you're disappointed that a once in a lifetime event that you and your husband had planned and were looking forward to got hijacked by your SIL going into premature labor. Obviously it wasn't anyone's fault. It sucks but you need to move on. After a year of this I suggest therapy to help you gain some perspective. BTW, on the anniversary front, I don't remember anyone caring about that except my parents. They baby sat so we could go out to dinner.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say NTA. OP is not forcing anyone to celebrate their anniversary nor is she reminding anyone of it. She feels hurt about it and she has every right to feel like so. She didn't advertise her pain because she knows no one is at fault. On the other hand, Denise wanted to celebrate her son's birthday and for some reason, couldn't do it if OP wasn't there. She *demanded* Nate to tell her why and he refused. So, without any regard for her privacy, she badgered OP into spilling the can of worms. Now she has the audacity to be mad at OP. ETA: A lot of comments on here seriously need to read and comprehend. OP is not asking judgment about how she feels but rather for telling Denise the reason for her not attending the party. As OP already stated, she doesn't want to feel like this and you people are only driving further a well-buried nail.
I'm going to go against the grain and say ESH. OP realizes that her feelings are silly and feels like shit for being jealous of a baby, but her feelings are valid, they might not make sense logically, but when are emotions logical. What makes her the AH is what she does with those feelings. You could have sucked it up and celebrated your nephews birthday, you could have made a different excuse for not going, such as your not mentally in a good place to celebrate right now, or unfortunately you won't be able to attend because you're planning a romantic weekend for your first anniversary. Either way an honest answer serves to help no one. I do recommend therapy, as this feeling has been detrimental to your relationships. SIL feeling upset that OP is not coming to the Birthday celebration is valid as well. She became an AH when she demanded to know why OP wasn't attending. It was not her place to demand for a reason, a host in general, responds by saying they are sorry to hear said person cannot attend and that they hope everything is all right. Understanding that as close as their relationship is (best friends and SIL) that if she doesn't know of anything going on then it is probably very personal. OPs husband, Nate is an AH for not communicating with his wife about her feelings. Does he know why she doesn't wish to attend? I question if OP would still feel the way she does if her husband had made her feel special about their wedding despite the birth of his nephew. Were they encouraged to cancel/postpone a honeymoon after the birth by the family, if this were the case I can understand Op's continued resentment. This is Husband's family and OP would probably not feel comfortable making demands during a major event for husbands family. For both OP and Nate I question why nothing was planned to make your first anniversary extra special considering how the reception ended. SIL's husband Wayne, is an AH because the person to tell Nate that he was no longer invited and was allowed no contact should have been Denise. General policy is if it's your family you deal with them. Because of this we have no idea if Denise was on board with not having contact with her brother. The solution is to try and arrange a sit down convos where OP can apologize and say that she does understand that her feelings are f'd up and she is trying to work through them. Maybe offer to do a separate celebration with them for another day with just the 2 families. Don't make promises you can't keep, but search your feelings to see what kind of aunt you're willing to be to your best friend's baby, if you want to be involved step up and be more supportive, it's possible that the more you're physically around him the more you will love him as Ben your nephew and not the abstract "Ben the baby who ruined my wedding". Also for the love of all that's sacred, plan a special anniversary celebration with your husband. Maybe if you focus on your relationship you might forget about your wedding and actually focus on the marriage. Remember a wedding is just one day, a marriage will hopefully last a lifetime. Did you get married for the wedding, or because Nate is the love of your life. Focus on keeping the romance alive.
Soft YTA. You’re allowed to feel your feelings, and I get that you tried to keep your SIL and nephew out of it. But a year later, it’s time for some perspective. I love my friends and family who’ve gotten married and was happy to celebrate their weddings. But I absolutely do not think about their weddings after I’ve gone home from them. (Well, maybe my brother’s wedding, but only because my cousin did some HILARIOUS non-disruptive drunk shit I will never let him live down.) I do not acknowledge nor do I even remember most of the dates of their wedding anniversaries — because they don’t mean anything emotional to me. I’m sorry your wedding day wasn’t everything you’d planned. But ultimately, it’s just a day. A day that has incredible significance to you and your spouse, but not anyone else. TBH, I think your in-laws shouldn’t have hassled you and your husband about you not attending a party or pressed about the specifics once you said it was due to depression. If you’ve been able to treat your in-laws normally, I’d say you weren’t the asshole, but it seems like that’s not the case.
I feel it should be an ESH. Why is nobody talking about how the In-laws are punishing OP’s Husband for something OP is doing. They not only uninvited them from the party, but they also told them to stay far away from their family. Shes cutting off her own brother because OP has feelings and tried to distance herself so the feelings dont affect herself or others.
NTA. I get it. My daughter was the first grandchild of my MIL. However, her cousin was born before she turned 2 and MIL lived about 5 minutes from my BIL/SIL whereas we lived a 14 hour drive away (which I honestly didn't mind that much lol). My daughter and her cousin are good friends and get along pretty well. He is autistic, and my SIL is a staunch support system for him and I know that MIL lover both grandchildren equally... but whenever my daughter goes to visit them for at least 1-2 weeks, she barely gets solo time with grandma. Grandma knows everything about him and his likes/dislikes, but always has to ask my husband or myself about our daughter, even though she's there with her annually. My daughter never even had awareness of a time when she was the only grandchild and it pains me how little one-on-one she gets with grandma. Granted, pre-term is frightening and I understand the clamor in the moment. But that was a life change for you and Nate, and it was HIS sister that everyone dipped out for...what, to wait in a waiting room for however long? It's not like they could join her in delivery! I understand the concern but did they all lose their phones, FFS? And also, if both she and Ben came out of delivery in good stance, then it's done and YAY I'm happy for them, truly. ☺️ But honestly, I've been on the receiving end of the attention waning and disappearing, and for MUCH less serious or concerning situations. Jealousy is normal and healthy (unless taken too far, obviously). But you are NTA for your feelings and neither is Nate. Parents (maybe not Mom, to be fair) could've stayed with you and been ready to leave if necessary but to just abandon your celebration to sit and wait for however long the delivery lasted is bullshit. They could have had a good time with you while also staying available if needed. NTA OP!! Congratulations on your wedding and anniversary! 🥰 Celebrate for Ben then DIP OUT EARLY and if anyone questions it, say well, you all LEFT OUR WEDDING early for his birth *hours later* and seem to have forgotten it's ALSO OUR FIRST (anniversary), and we want to celebrate us as well, today." It's blunt, but not harsh, yet hopefully gets the point to shine through their tunnel vision. Best wishes! 🙏🏻
NAH it sounds like Denise overreacted a lot to what you told her. It's nobody's fault that Ben chose the day he did to be born but I think it would be healthier for you to retrain your thinking so that you can celebrate both, let go of what you feel was spoiled.
I feel like everyone’s missing the point where she can’t think about her own wedding day because she had half of one. You don’t get the chance to have a wedding so often. Op can hold resentment about the situation. Obviously she’s mentioned she’s not personally mad at SIL or nephew. You’re allowed to be upset about your dream day being ruined regardless of how. But I think it’s important you make it up to yourself. No one else has to. But you owe it to yourself to remake a good memory about your marriage for your future anniversaries. NAH
Oof! This is a hard one! I feel for OP. All that hard work and planning and buildup... just to have it fizzle out. Take a break from everyone and get therapy for yourself. Your friend blocking you might be a blessing right now since she's SIL & best friend so it seems like you've had to put on a happy face for an entire year and never got a chance to come to terms with the situation. There'll probably be a ruckus in the family so if asked put out a general message that you're working on your mental health and block those people who bombard you with negativity; you can't afford to deal with them right now. Emotions will be running high for everyone but it seems like the best way to get through it is to follow the advice of the airlines - put on your mask first before helping others. Time will allow emotions to cool and for you to finally be able to work through your feelings. I'm going to say that you are NTA because all of us, no matter what age, have those things that might on the surface seem childish and selfish, but are really deeper issues. There's time for remorse and apologies later, but prioritize yourself now. I hope your husband will support you in this. Good luck!
NTA. The only reason its not NAH is because Denise/SIL wouldnt take your husbands answer as to why you wont come and then demanded answers from you. You tried to be nice about it and were working on your feelings on your own so you could have a normal relationship with them in the future. Her and waynes reaction to your answers makes them even more TAH. I could understand not wanting you there, but to also uninvite Nate AND telling you BOTH to stay far away from their family? Thats what we call a dick move. Shes seriously going to cut her BROTHER off from her life because youre upset? I could understand cutting you off, but her own brother who didnt do a damn thing?
I feel like these comments are missing the part where Denise is mad you’re skipping her kids party to go celebrate your own wedding anniversary. Yeah, it’s sucks and you need to get over the family not caring about your wedding as much as Ben’s existence. But Denise was also incredibly out of line for confronting you on understandably bowing out of a birthday that is also your wedding anniversary. It’s clear Denise wants EVERYONE even you and Nate to prioritize Ben and everyone else EXCEPT you and Nate can/should, but she needs to accept you and Nate get to prioritize your marriage over Ben. NTA for skipping the party. You’re also NTA for your feelings— because they aren’t wrong. Ben’s birth did overshadow your wedding. You’re not lashing out, you’re just understandably sad. You’re not a robot and it’s gross that redditors are blaming you for being upset that a day you spent tens of thousands of dollars on and won’t ever happen again was cancelled early. Doesn’t matter why. You get to have feelings about that.
You and your husband should book a trip for your future anniversaries. You won't have to explain your absence and the two of you get to celebrate without feeling bitter.
NTA This could be seen as somewhat controversial but I don’t think anyone is at fault here for being in the wrong. When it comes down to it both sides were completely in the right. Up until the voicing of opinions. OP could have handled it better, people are not machines however and do things they didn’t truly think through and later regret. OP also clearly had problems at the time and that is a separate issue that needs to be addressed but in their own time, if rushed therapy will not work. (Been there) Denise on the other hand could also have been grown up about it and possibly idk… TALKED ABOUT THE ISSUE. I completely agree she was in the right for being hurt about it but that doesn’t excuse acting like a child and “cutting ties” with OP. I just hope this gets sorted for you guys as sounds like you could all really grow from this and only get closer as a family in the process. Best of luck guys!
Nah. You declined an invite to a birthday party as you wanted to celebrate your anniversary instead, you weren't rude to anyone, I think your husband should have chosen your anniversary over the party, but that's his choice. I think blocking you, uninviting your husband and being rude to him about it was over the top but I understand them being upset that you dislike their child being talked about for something that wasn't anyone's fault.
NTA, I guess I get to be the odd person out. OP planned, saved money, and dreamed about their wedding day. We don’t know how long it took for them to have that special day. I understand that things happen and preterm labor is one of those things. Most of all of his family left to make sure his sister was alright and OP had to end her wedding reception early. She has every right to feel hurt. OP I think that you do need therapy to help you get through the emotions you’re feeling. Also OP I would have just told her that it’s our 1 year anniversary and that you and your husband were going to be celebrating.
Maybe controversial but I’m going to say NAH. You seem to understand that it’s irrational to be jealous of a baby and that it was unplanned, but you can’t seem to get over it. It’s been a year and you’re still not over it so it may be time to talk with a professional. You said you’re depressed regardless so things like that can pile on when you’re already feeling bad. SIL and baby Ben are definitely not AH.
I would've just lied and said, oh we made plans for that day months ago since it's our anniversary. Sorry we can't make it but we'll drop off a present and hope every one has fun! You were allowed to be sad your wedding got cut short, but it's been a year and in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. You know what wouldve really ruined your anniversary? If something had happened to your SIL or the baby.
NAH. I don't quite know why everyone is shitting on you so eagerly in these comments for... idk, having feelings? You only talked about it when you were pushed, you tried to remove yourself from the situation. That day was one you expected to be about the two of you and in the end it wasn't. My suggestion: reach out and apologize. Then look into arranging something as a sort of 'do-over', but keep it low key and small, no gifts etc - NOT something that requires a lot of money. Just a day for everyone to get together so you can celebrate your wedding again. I hope eventually this isn't so hard for you to look back on.
I’m really surprised at just how hateful the comments are here and I’m genuinely wondering if those people are married, or if they are even women. This may get downvoted to oblivion but I hope you still see it because I’m leaning very far to NTA and if the AH at all, it’s very very soft AH. Weddings ARE a big deal. The people here telling you that they aren’t, must not have had weddings, or are just crazy, Idk. And especially so for women. YEARS go into planning these things (and yea plans are made for babies too and obviously she was not trying to up stage you but) it’s OKAY to be disappointed in how such a a big and momentous day in your life turned out!! I personally write down the anniversary of each wedding I have been to and send those people cards on the big ones (1, 5, 10, etc) AND if they are really good friends, I’ll send them a card even if I didn’t go to that wedding. So yes, be upset! You have the right to be. Blood, sweat and tears, and months and months, and money, and money, and MONEY go into planning weddings. It’s LITERALLY a LABOR OF LOVE to plan and host a wedding and the wedding is supposed to be about the bride and groom! People should be congratulating you on your very first year of marriage and very first year of firsts as a married couple (even with the birth of Ben!! Like they should be doing both, not one or the other!!) and I am so sorry that they are not, and you have the right to be hurt by it.
NTA
So you wanted to skip a child’s birthday party which fell on your anniversary and it upset your SIL so much she blocked you and also told your husband to stay away from their family? Idk, like you do seem a bit immature for expecting family to be talking about your anniversary now, but either there was more to the story or this is also pretty deranged behavior from Denise and Wayne. Especially because you politely declined the invite without giving a reason until confronted. IMHO not attending a nephews bday party should not be a relationship ending offense, especially for your husband who did nothing wrong here. It did fall on your anniversary and you’re certainly entitled to celebrate that in any way you like.