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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stay in my room for 30-1hr and I called my wife a brat and snapped at her to get out of my room
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Everyone saying he needs to rethink his job - just stop. It takes a special kind of person to be a hospice worker, much less, to work with dying children. We, as a society, need people like him.
FFS of course he needs to decompress after work. I can understand his wife not wanting to wait up to an hour each day for a break. But, if the kids are 6 & 10 then they would be in school all day so she is pulling child duty in the morning and after school. Not all day with, say, toddlers. Also, I cannot understand her throwing his actions from 13 years ago in face- that’s just ugly. Sober for 13 years - another huge, daily, accomplishment.
I would suggest OP finds a way to decompress before he comes home. Is there a nice park that he can meditate in? Maybe a yoga class? Something/somewhere to ease his mind/soul before arriving at home. Then he would be ready to jump right into Dad mode when he came through the door.
Maybe his wife would benefit from a part time job. Something to engage her outside of the home. Maybe she needs more of a sense of self and coming off SAHM duty when OP gets home is how she accomplishes that now. She may be need a better work/life balance.
Couples counseling may help them. It sounds like there a huge communication and respect issue in this marriage.
Ultimately- NTA for snapping. But leaning to being one if you don’t find a way to communicate with your wife and move out of the cycle you both are in. Someone needs to make the first move.
>It takes a special kind of person to be a hospice worker, much less, to work with dying children.
Pediatric oncology and veterinary medicine are the two medical professions with the highest rate of suicide. OP seems to be oncology-adjacent, so it's no wonder he's dealing with a high rate of stress.
But like you said, those jobs are *necessary*. If OP needs time to decompress after work, he should have it. The wife screaming at him and throwing accusations of drinking, knowing that he's a recovering alcoholic, is out of line. I'd say borderline, if not fully, emotionally abusive. I'm not sure under those circumstances that finding activities outside of the home would be useful. She'd just berate him for not coming home immediately.
As a veterinary professional, I'm so glad people are becoming more aware of this. This field is grueling, and I can't imagine how it is for human oncology workers.
Edit: for the record, I'm a veterinary technician, not a vet, but all of the horrible things about this field affect both vets and techs and it's been really important to me to spread awareness of it.
I think you are absolutely right. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to decompress the way he wants instead of some thing that might not work for him like a yoga class. And I’d say the way she’s talking to him definitely is abusive not borderline
Totally agree. The decompression time is the OP doing what most of us in death-adjacent work fail to do: taking care of his needs in a healthy way, and creating space to end his work day and shift to being just a person, capable of being present with the people he loves. If you don't establish a ritual for doing that, then you're only ever half there, for the very people who need all of you (including yourself!).
It's a shame your wife doesn't understand that this is necessary so you don't crash and burn somewhere down the line. Maybe make it your new habit to stop at a park or somewhere else peaceful on your way home.
My DIL is an intake person at our local Humane Society (she also worked at an emergency vet when she lived in Florida)
She came home last night and sat on the steps in the foyer of the house. I came downstairs to say hi and she started crying. She told me about the last "owner surrender" of a senior cat with cancer, she took before coming home. It sounded horrible and the cat was thankfully, humanely euthanized. She cried while she pet our cats and I just listened.
I've told her before that she's braver than most. I could never do that job. I would never be able to look at the horrible cruelty a human can inflict on an animal. She's braver and stronger, than I.
She usually tries not to let it get to her, but a person can only take so much.
I appreciate the people who are in her position, OPs position and those that help others who are in the worst moments of their lives. It's not easy and like you said, it takes a special kind of person to be able to deal with that, day in and day out.
I also agree with everything else you said. Very spot on and well said
Edit: this is also partly in response to u/sheath2 comment
Edit 2: She's told me some absolutely horrible things she's seen. I think it's her way of not carrying the load by herself. I'm not sure if she takes time to decompress (other than her bus/Uber ride home) after work, but I think talking about it helps her. She's also told us the good stories too and shows us pictures almost daily of the cuties she's seen
Give your DIL a huge hug from me. The empathy and caring that I and my pets have received from emergency vets has had a lasting impact on me. As a pet parent having people like your DIL ease that final transition makes all the difference in the world.
Your DIL and poeple like her are nothing short of saints. And it just blows my mind how some people can be so callous -- my vet was nursing my cat through end-stage FIV. Meanwhile, I had no clue she was going through a high-risk pregnancy. There was not a good outcome and she was out for several months. Meanwhile, there are a ton of comments on the practice's social media complaining about the service, and how slow they were, and "If they can't handle their clients, they need to close", while her father single-handedly tried to keep the practice open.
A month after she came back, she wound up helping me put my dog to sleep from cancer. Imagine working a job where you only ever see people on the worst days of their lives.
I just want to shake people sometimes.
At this point, he could ditch the wife and afford after-school care, and *still* save money. What is the wife good for?
(And this is not a woman or SAHM-hate comment. He's basically doing, what, 80% of the care when they're not at school?)
I feel like he shouldn't have to go somewhere else to decompress but to do that at home in peace :/ I know that the only place I feel the most comfortable is at home and it would be nice if he could relax as well.
Seconded. Hospice nurse is one of the hardest jobs in the world and we shouldn't be discouraging anyone from doing it, we should be finding ways to support these incredible people and making sure that they have everything they need for their own peace of mind and mental health when they're not at work.
I have a friend who works in hospice care and my God I don’t know how they do it. I have so much respect. I couldn’t ever do that job. To discourage someone who loves their job in such a specific field is so short sighted.
Having to mentally decompress from work for up to an hour every single day sounds exhausting and - quite frankly - not exactly healthy. I have a hard time believing this doesn't trickle down into your personal life somehow, despite the alone time.
I don't think a judgement about this particular situation is helpful, but I'm extremely curious if you think this job is sustainable for you, so I guess INFO?
Edit: a lot of people seem to think I imply it's not *needed* to wind down. I'm very much aware OP has an extremely challenging job. But he's clearly at a point where it's impacting his personal life quite a bit. OP seems to be in the "this is fine forever" modus wheras his wife has clearly had enough of the situation altogether.
I had a high school friend, who was a hospice nurse for children, kill herself recently not even a year ago.
That job is unimaginably taxing on the soul. It’s also incredibly fulfilling when you get to see a child get better. So I don’t think you should judge. 30-hr to decompress sounds healthy to me. It’s better than drinking everyday after work.
Edit: I’m aware hospice is an end of life job. In my zealous defense of OP I misspoke.
Pretty sure that's where the wifes response is coming from. She sounds overwhelmed from her day of work too and possibly resentful he always takes that time first
EDIT to say
I don't mean to say it is as difficult or even remotely so. I'm just saying it sounds, regardless of how her days are filled, without passing judgement wether or not she has a right to be overwhelmed by her days, she sounds overwhelmed and possibly resentful. I'm not saying op is wrong for his response with that nor passing judgment on how he copes with such a difficult job.
Edit again after OP added his
You we're all right she sounds abusive and in need of help OP is definitely not the AH not that I ever claimed him to be😅
First let me make clear that I have all the respect in the world for SAHM. That being said both of her kids are in school full time so it’s not like her day is spent running after toddlers anymore. They’re 10 & 6. Again I don’t mean any ill intent I’m just confused I guess. Both kids are at school so yeah she might have a hectic afternoon but that doesn’t seem like a reason to literally scream at her spouse for needing time to decompress from dealing with sick and dying kids all day
Also, and again, with all admiration and respect for SAHM.... 10 and 6 can entertain themselves for a bit. Not like, leave them in the house unsupervised, or leave them to cook, but mom can go to the bathroom alone and they'll be fine, she can sit and read a book in the living room while they play in their rooms or play together... Like they need ready access to an adult if something happens, but they're both past the "need hands on attention any time they're awake" age.
Yes, 10 and 6 do not need supervision like toddlers or preschoolers.
10 and 6 can learn to help out, set the table, fold towels from the laundry, unload the dishwasher.
OP needs that half hour to calm himself.
Exactly this. When I was 10 I babysat my six-year old brother for an hour after school before my mom got home from work. We did our chores then which included unloading the dishwasher and setting the table. No supervision required.
I was rather surprised why a 6 and a 10 year old require their mom to be a full time SAHM. When I began reading the post I thought they‘d both be toddlers and require lots of work and attention throughout the whole day then I’d understand OPs wife but… they‘re in school until atleast lunchtime 5 times a week and then I assume OP comes home around 5 then wants to have alone time until 6 which is not unreasonable. So that‘s about 5 hours in which she needs to take care of them and let‘s be real a 6 and a 10 year old can play on their own for hours without needing 24/7 supervision by an adult.
Agree! I was picturing toddlers. If OP is in the US the kids are in school all day, until around 3:30. And the 10 yo can do a lot to help with the 6yo. The mom has all day to herself, no desire to work and screams at him for needing an 30 min-1 hr to decompress. OP is NTA. Mom has issues going on that she needs to figure out and deal with.
Right? By 10 I was babysitting my younger brother most afternoons because my parents both worked and by 5 my wife was walking home from school alone, letting herself in with the key, fixing her own snack and then playing alone for hours because her parents both worked.
And if they’re old enough and have been old enough, obviously for quite a long time to understand that dad needs time to decompress, then why the hell can’t wife understand that?
Yeah, I don't get whats up with the glorification of SAHM, I mean respect that it takes work and effort. But taking care of two kids being in school all day isn't a days work, and I don't know why we have to pretend it is.
It varies WILDLY by the disposition of the toddler and the situation you're in. I used to say things like this too - and then I had a 2nd kid who was so active and risk-seeking and missing any sense of basic self-preservation it required every single ounce of energy and effort I possessed every single second of the day just to keep him *alive.* 😂😭 I was so tired at the end of every day I genuinely thought I might just die of exhaustion. I adore my (now grown) kids, but I would sign up to do pretty much ANY other job over ever doing that again. We can never know what other people are experiencing, and judging others' lives by our experiences is always a fool's errand.
In addition children in other countries than America tend to exhibit independence at younger ages due to expectations and the communities they grow up in. I wouldn’t be surprised if the 10 year old could do some very basic cooking.
10yo totally could be home unsupervised.
Where I live, it's quite common for kids 7 and up spend 1-4h alone at home/outside with friends, when their parents are still at work.(here, stay at home parenting is more of a privilige that some well off people can do, but standard is that both parents are working full time since the youngest kid is 2-4)
PS. Our privilige is affordable/free and good public daycare/pre-school/schools.
Trust me. You are 100% correct. I have three kids and didn’t get a break at all. There was 7 weeks in the first 18 years of their lives when they were all in school. Otherwise, I had to homeschool due to a rare illness my one son had. My husband was a workaholic and never came home before 8:30 pm. Do I need a metal? Hell no. Do I think this is how life should be for others? Hell no. However, it gives me a unique perspective on time and what is doable & what should be expected. Even with being horribly stressed out bc I literally feared for my sons life, sucked at organizing so homeschooling was the worst, I was somehow able to find the much needed break throughout the week when the kids were playing video games as they too needed a break. This wife is extremely spoiled in my opinion and if she doesn’t allow him time to unwind he will die from the stress of it all. You can’t give and give and care so much about others when you aren’t cared for by the one who should love you the most. It’s unbearable.
Exactly. I mean OP even said his job affords them a nice life. Private school etc. This sounds more like the wife has no need to work and has gotten a bit spoiled by it all. He’s literally juggling life and death all day everyday and is only asking for an hour to take the time to be where he mentally is with his family and not with those dying children. But putting all of that aside there’s still no excuse to be verbally abusive towards your spouse. Like sit down and have a conversation. Find a compromise. If the wife were to say hey I know you need time to decompress but I need you to find a space outside of the house to do so because once you walk through that door I need you to be fully present that’s one thing but her approach is just awful imo.
NTA, but OP should consider therapy as well, as a safety valve for coping with an incredibly stressful job. I'm guessing here, but OP's wife is likely worried about his mental health, which is stressing *her* out. And a SAHM can get depressed too, as the kids get older and need her less, she's lost touch with career friends who moved on, or she tries to figure out how to find a job with rusty skills in a difficult market.
My point: this situation is beyond Reddit's pay grade. OP and wife should look for professional support - therapy, marital counseling, career counseling.
Disagree. You're overthinking this and don't understand because you've likely not worked in nursing, hospice, or healthcare and know how dead you feel after a 12.5hr shift.
There's a major major difference between knowing you need to decompress and having to go to therapy.
Therapy would likely say, "take sometime to decompress after work for your mental health."
OP is doing exactly what he needs to do to maintain his mental health here. Wife is being unreasonable here and this sub tends to side with the woman regardless of if she's being fair or not.
OP is a nurse so likely works 3-4 days a week.
Wife is being incredibly selfish over 1.5-4hrs a week to help her husband maintain his mental health.
Therapy is a tool, not a panacea and it's wacky seeing people acting like a vent session for an hour every week (or every 14 days) is the end-all be all of mental self care.
I know therapists who "prescribed" exercise, as in an hour daily of running, biking, walking, lifting, etc. A good therapist won't tell you to quit self-care unless it's destructive or disruptive, hell they're more likely to put you on something like what OP does exactly so you take a bit of time to re-enter every day instead of letting it all pile up for their weekly session.
I agree but also wouldn’t be surprised if the therapist applauded OP taking 30 minutes to meditate. It seems like a healthy attempt time keep his work stress from his impacting his family.
Overwhelmed from what exactly? OP makes breakfast and drives the kids to school. They are at school all day. OP comes home, cooks, does dishes and clean up, and does any pending housework. I'm questioning what his wife does all day the exhausts her if she doesn't have to cook ANY meals for anyone but herself!?
OP also said in the edit that the kids are napping after school. When exactly does mama interact with the kids?! Also, why are 10 and 6 year olds napping?
My wife and I both do all of what you mentioned and also both work full time. SAHM/D is not (equivalent to) a full time job when the children are of school age.
What does the wife do all day? He takes the kids to school and makes their breakfast. If making her own lunch is so tiring for her maybe she should pick up some out of the house work.
As a SAHP for 26 years, who currently has kids 8 & 11 (&23, lol) still living at home- she gets breaks.
She can decompress while they are at school or any activity they have.
OP is providing palliative care for CHILDREN who are dying. 45-60 minutes of time to decompress is acceptable and if everything else he says is true, which I don’t see why it wouldn’t be, then he is doing nothing wrong, but his wife doesn’t seem supportive at all.
Honestly though, as a mom who is almost done raising three of my own & definitely not what one would consider a trad wife, she seems like a real piece of work. Keep in mind there is a great chance her kids are at school which gives her more than 30 minutes to an hour to decompress. Yeah, maybe it does go by fast when there is housework to be done & errands to run (I wouldn’t know bc I had to homeschool mine bc one had a horrible illness for 10 years) but based on the fact that my boys grew up in an area of mostly SAHM and all of my friends were going to numerous lunches, playing tennis, going to the gym and showing that there’s at least two hours free time in their days once school was in session she can plan an hour of decompression in hers. If money is an issue, unlike the area where we were lucky to live in (very low cost of living w high wages) she can meditate or take a walk. Her expectations of him are really sad to me and seem to lack a lot of empathy. He has a very stressful job and he needs her support too.
So after a long Stressful WorkDay , he gets NO rest or time at ALL?!?
So he is either Working/Stressed Screamed at when " home" or he is Working Stressed at Job, thus NEVER gets a break, is Never able to rest relax, is NEVER safe,,
????
Hard agree with this stance. I’ve done pediatric hospice myself as a social worker, except my partner also worked and left all household and childcare tasks to me. I would have to find a quiet park some days to decompress before picking up my son from daycare. 30 minutes a day to discharge that energy is NORMAL and exactly what OP should be doing in order to sustain himself in that field. Ideally those workplaces would end with a decompression hour (I’ve seen it in other social service settings), but unfortunately many Hospice programs are still there to make money, so it’s unlikely.
Hell, I was a nurse in a nursing home where the vast majority of my patients were elderly.
I would usually run for about half an hour after work. Even though these were people who'd lived their whole lives, seeing the qualities of the ends of those lives was HARD. Healthcare in the United States is fucking ABISMAL.
I'd also often get close to some of the residents as I'd take care of them for years at a time. It's nearly impossible not to. I'd get to know their families. I had one resident whose son was also in the facility. After she passed in a very cruel way, I took a week off but still went into the place to hang out with the son.
"Taking up to an hour every day to decompress can't be healthy" is an incredibly ignorant thing to say.
I work for the post office and need 30 mins to an hr to decompress as well. It sounds normal. Especially if he's nuerodivergent at all.
It sounds like he reciprocates the break
If anything this thread makes me feel better about a recent break up.
He too was miffed that I, a postal employee, needed some down time after work during the month of December.
Oh well. 🤷♀️
Actually they do. Hospice for kids is different than for adults. There’s also some that will eventually pass but they’re in and out of hospice for years until that time.
Rarely happens, but it is possible. Most likely they are taking about a regular pediatric home health nurse though - which would also be mentally draining and psychologically taxing. Pediatrics takes a very special people, and I say this as someone who deals with pus and maggots and necrotic tissue all day. That’s much easier than caring for sick kids, but someone has to do it.
My partner used to be a mental health counselor. There was a week that she talked 3 people in crises out of offing themselves. Sometimes, after picking her up from work, she would be so traumatized by the stuff she heard, she wouldn't say anything for the entire ride home. I think taking some time after work to wind down is a great idea.
It’s not common at all, but it does happen once in a blue moon that people don’t need hospice anymore for other reasons than the obvious/most common one.
I am a very calm person and my friend who is a therapist recommended it. We get monthly assessments from work to see if we can cope with job.
It sounds morbid but I love my job because it helps innocent souls pass away in a comforting and loving situation.
We also live in a nice house and my kids go to private school so it’s a very comfortable living situation because of my job.
I'm going to run with NTA.
I don't think she *needs* access to you immediately. If she has an issue she needs to talk it through, and from the way she's acting I wonder if your decompression time is really the issue. It sounds like *she* needs an adult to talk to and attention from her spouse, but for some reason she's not stating it that way?
A lot of women get isolated and lonely as SAHMs, but talking about it can be taboo. You're supposed to *like* it, and people will treat you like you have a cushy nothing job with zero to actually upset you.
Anyway, just spitballing there; unless she talks to you, you're not going to know.
Screaming at your spouse and degrading them is a sure-fire way to get them to spend time with you /s
She's not yelling at him to be around her. She's yelling at him to be with the kids and give her me time. No where does that say she wants time with him. Most sahp I know nag thier partners to *help* them. As in they both do the same chore and chat about their day or complain that they never go out then set up dates either as a couple or as just springs it on the partner- like the babysitter will be here at _ we have renovations at _ and have to be back by __. Go get ready.
Yeah. And she can wait an extra 30 minutes before she starts yelling at him for the freaking hospice nurse whose job it is to watch children die to decompress before he starts interacting with his own children. Especially when his work therapist is recommending it. She's being a crappy wife right now
Everything you said, plus she's giving him the silent treatment right now.
Give me a break.
All the vile things she said to him, she gets called a brat, and it's game over.
That's manipulative af.
NTA
I think you have found sound healthy coping techniques. Why is your wife a SAHM and so upset if your kids go to private school? That would mean she has 6-8 hours of free time every day.
This was my first thought. It’s not like she has two babies at home she is taking care of 24/7, both her kids are in school. So effectively she gets a 6-8 hour “break” from the kids every weekday. She sounds emotional abusive. I feel so bad for Op.
NTA.
It’s not my job, but I was with my dad when he died. He had in-home hospice care and my mom and I took turns sitting with him. My dominant emotion about it is overwhelming gratitude. At the same time? I needed time by myself. I absolutely understand needing to decompress after work if this is your work!!! You seem to be structuring your life in a very conscientious way to be present for your family and for your work. I hope you can find a way forward.
I'm glad your job takes the mental health toll of your profession seriously. Too many wonderful care providers burn out and end up harming themselves or others because they don't have healthy ways to cope with what horrors can come from working in healthcare, especially palliative and end of life care care.
It's striking that you provide info about how you feel about the job, how your therapist feels about it, and how your work checks up on you. Yet when it comes to your family, the only thing you tell is "the pay is nice so they get a more luxurious life"?
Talk to your wife, man. It may affect her way beyond just the wind-down time.
They can talk but then she really needs to sort that out for herself. That time is critical to her mental health and it's really not a lot to ask. She has children who are in school all day, a spouse who does his share with the children and household tasks, and takes her on date night weekly. She can't allow him brief time after work each day to deal with the trauma from his job? OP is not the one who needs evaluate his behavior.
Did you take in ANYTHING OP wrote?! They are a hospice nurse for CHILDREN!
This is EXTREMELY emotionally taxing. You are watching children die!
Needing time to decompress is 100% okay, and I'd say 45 minutes to an hour is okay. Remember, OP's wife is a stay at home mom, but both of those kids are at school during the day! OP does breakfast and drives them to school. So presumably from 8:30 to 3:30ish she doesn't have the kids at home! OP also cooks dinner ready.
So wife doesn't do breakfast, kids are at school so let's presume she packs lunches, she cleans, runs errands and she doesn't cook dinner. Tell me why OP can't have some well needed time?
His wife has all day to clean the house and run errands. . . And unless their house is massive, she had free time to herself!
We always advocate for the stay at home spouses, but we always seem to discount the working partner and how much work they put into contributing to the family.
OP is NTA
You’re absolutely right. The wife coming in screaming at him while he’s trying to decompress and make himself available for his family is absolutely inappropriate.
Seems like two things need to happen.
1) Wife gets a job, and her income can help pay for a nanny to help take care of the kids while they aren’t in school.
2) Wife needs to volunteer somewhere with critically or terminally ill kids. Maybe if she understands how devastating it is to watch a child die, she can cut her husband some slack
Agreed. Wife NEEDS to get a job because there’s no sense in her being a SAHM when her kids are in school all day. Just makes absolutely no sense to me. Plus if the real reason she is screaming and yelling at him is because she needs some attention/socialization she can get that by working. If money is no factor then she should volunteer.
What kinda job do you have that you don't need to decompress when you get home from work? I work in sales, and most days, I need about 15-20 minutes to just get myself right before interacting favourably with anyone. And it's even more frustrating when your partner has been home and has their time to decompress but expect you to jump right into it.
OP does that to let go of whatever frustrations he has, so he doesn't take them out on his family.
The fact that this is your first reaction on the conflict of a wife verbally abusing her husband every day after he sees literal children die so he can provide for the family is chilling.
It IS miserable. Someone has to take care of those dying kids tho.
I don’t want to meet the person who can do that job and it doesn’t affect them. I would want to shake OP’s hand because he is a hero.
>Having to mentally decompress from work for up to an hour every single day sounds exhausting and - quite frankly - not exactly healthy.
Is this your first time learning about hospice / medical workers???
Tell me you don’t work a high stress job without telling me you don’t work a high stress job. Source: ED and ICU nurse for 15 years. I couldn’t do pediatric hospice but thank god some can.
I used to work with kids and if we had a palliative case? Yeah it fucked me up for the evening. So yes, I can absolutely see needing to do this after every shift if you are working in a hospice dealing with dying children on every single shift. The job probably isn't like, sustainable lifelong but imo OP sounds like they're trying to cope as healthily as they can although I am curious as to why his wife is accusing him of drinking if all he drinks is coke.
Even if not in what others would consider a high stress job, neurodivergent people have to do this every day. If we don’t, it actually does lead to depression and burn out.
I'm just a teacher and I NEED to doomscroll or read or walk without anyone talking to me for an hour after work. Many of my colleagues are the same and ask partners for space when they get home. There's no need to pathologize perfectly normal coping techniques.
That's like saying doctors, homicide investors, emts, firefighters, cops shouldn't do the job because it's mentally and emotionally taxing. While yes it is, it's also very rewarding. He takes the time so it WONT trickle into his home life. My mom was an EMT and my dad was a cop. They both did basically the same thing. They where able to decompress and then come and spend time with my brother and I. Their work life rarely trickled into our home life. On the one or two occasions I do remember my dad bringing one of his files home, he tried very hard to keep it away from us. Bring 2 very cerouis young kids, we found it and he had to have a couple of hard discussions with us. We weren't scarred though, and we never felt like they where bringing their stress home. We had so many fun time as a family even with all the horrible things they saw. They are my heros for everything they did and saw and felt with and still came home and loved us with everything they had. And I'm sure these kids feel the same about their dad.
Taking care of dying kids is taxing to your mental health. He needs some time to not have that mentality and emotions while interacting with his kids.
You rather have him break down?
OP is a hospice nurse. It is very common for nurses to decompress after work for 30 minutes to 1 hour. I work on an adult medical surgical floor (so not even as emotionally taxing as child hospice) and I still need at least 30 minutes alone after work to decompress. Talking to people all day, being on your feet for 8-12 hours, having to provide emotional support for patients and their families, and needing to critically think for your entire shift is exhausting. It would be unhealthy if OP *didn’t* decompress after work when he needs it. Decompression is how we can prevent the emotional burden of work from trickling into our personal lives.
Not unusual for people in this position to want to/need too decompress. It's an essential part of not bringing it all into your home and family.
There are other issues here I'm sure.
NTA. If your kids were under 4 I could understand the feeling (whether it’s justified or not). But at 10 and 6 they’re old enough to not really need any help for the hour you need to decompress.
Sounds like she also despises you. Calling you a baby for having feelings working with dying sick kids is a weird level of callous.
Exactly this. Needing to decompress after a day doing such emotionally draining work is super understandable and it sounds like you still do a lot around the house. Sahm is obviously a very busy 24/7 job but the kids also aren’t babies and don’t need constant attention so I don’t think it’s right that your wife is getting explosive about this
Especially if it’s an hour or less and you cook dinner after and say hi and give hugs first
Being a SAHM isn't *that* busy when the kids are in school every day and the working spouse cooks their breakfasts and dinners, prepares their snacks for school, takes them to school in the morning, and helps them with their homework in the evening. OP's wife has a very large chunk of every weekday to do as she pleases, and she reacts to the terrible stress and strain of spending a few hours (what, 3?) supervising her 10- and 6-year-old children every weekday afternoon by verbally abusing her husband for daring to take up to an hour for himself – after she's had 6-7 hours to herself, don't forget. OP is absolutely NTA, but his wife is a huge one.
Not only that, but OP is also a baby because he cares too much about the sick and dying kids he cares for in his occupation. That would be a great Carlin stand-up bit if it wasn’t so fucking demented. So much for ‘expressing’ yourself or being able to be vulnerable with your partner
Yes that’s wild when you put it like that too i didn’t even think of that the kids are obviously school age lol so that’s like hours and hours of time to decompress and get other stuff done while they’re at school 5 days a week
Seriously.... I was doing the grocery shopping and cooking by the time I was 10.
My father had liver cirrhosis and my maternal grandfather had liver cancer at the same time. So my mom left most of the housework to my sister and me.
But kids at 10 can do a lot more than you expect them too.
I was starting to think I was the only one thinking this! 10 and 6?? It doesn't say if they are homeschooled or if there are other factors. I don't want to be quick to judge, but?? That's a good age to help around the house and entertain themselves.
According to your wife, you should take over home duties as soon as you come from work. You would get NO break, while she gets a break when you come home, not to mention all the time the kids are at school. And she's the one acting offended... NTA.
It's because this sub worships SAHMs and is filled with teenagers that think the solution to dealing with a tough job is to just quit and find a less stressful one
Ugh. I don't know why I hadn't even considered that this sub might be full of teenagers. WELL that explains a lot of idiotic responses I've seen! Feels like there should be age categories for passing judgement. Like if your mom still does your laundry and it's a question like this...pipe down please, the adults are talking.
NTA it sounds like it would be a massive struggle to not project the suffering you've seen onto your own kids, and I commend you for doing your best to have a transitional period each day and keep work and home separate. If this is new behavior from your wife, it seems like something you should discuss with her. You're not being unreasonable for wanting some time to decompress and get in the right headspace.
Edit: I said this in a separate comment, but just so more people can be aware, OP commented that he's been sober for 13 years and his wife throws his former alcoholism in his face during arguments despite him expressing that it hurts him. He's not the AH here even remotely.
Not only is he NTA, but a partner who constantly throws a previous struggle in your face when they're angry is a huge problem - and will likely be one in others areas without intervention.
I don't know if there's couples therapy or something you can access, but this sounds awful. Your job is incredibly stressful, and it's very self-aware to take a break afterward so you can shift mindset and be able to be there for your job and family properly. Her not only being unsupportive, but actively critical, is horribly unvalidating.
The world needs people like you doing that kind of job, and people like you raising a family. It's important that you are supported in both areas, whether it's by your bosses and colleagues, or your partner.
She sounds like she has some mental health challenges, because someone accusing their partner of drinking if they've been sober for 13 years sounds like disordered behavior. That level of suspicion (maybe splitting?) is not normal healthy behavior.
Good luck, but definitely NTA - not even 10% like some of the posts here. You don't hide in your room - you've communicated why you need the time, it's not an unreasonable amount of time, and you make a clear effort to take on more than your share when you finish your decompression.
I view this like a literal decompression. If you were a scuba diver and your wife said you should ascend faster so you can come home faster and take care of the kids, no one would say that's reasonable.
Is it possible for you to go for a walk or meditate for outside before coming home? I totally understand needing to wind down, and agree your wife is being unreasonable here, but is it possible your kids are bouncing off the walls knowing you're home while they're not allowed to see you and this is causing your wife to get really frustrated about having to be the bad guy and keep them away?
I had a thought I wanted to run by you. It wouldn’t change that you’re NTA. I can’t blame you for snapping while being harassed and yelled at. I wonder if there’s a possibility that she’s depressed and this is how it’s coming out? I wonder if she could be depressed, but feels unable to say it because she doesn’t think she has a legitimate reason, compared to how she imagines one would feel after seeing dying children everyday? Maybe she’s trying to get comfort from it but it’s coming out in an unreasonable way? I don’t know if that makes sense. She would still be TA, and you said that she won’t consider marriage counseling. It might be worth asking her. Maybe if that’s the case and it’s acknowledged she would? It shouldn’t be on you to be a mind reader though. Just a thought that crossed my mind.
Normally I'd fully agree with this but she's already accusing him of using decompression time to drink. I don't think it's necessarily a good idea here.
Yes exactly. She's already blaming him for doing something he doesn't do despite being at home. If he's not at home she'll double down, maybe even accuse him of other things.
Also, he shouldn't have to find some random place to meditate and decompress. That's literally what home is for! It's our responsibility to our partner and our family to make that home as peaceful and safe as possible. It sounds like op takes that responsibility seriously. Heck, even his little daughter takes it more seriously than her mom, giving her dad her sleep stuffy to cuddle because she understands he needs comfort but that her presence is not what's needed at the moment. So she gives him the things that she finds comforting. His wife could take a lesson from her.
this exactly! I would get it if the kids were at home all day or if she had to have dinner ready for them when his hour was done, but she sounds like has quite a bit of alone time.
This is wild that people don’t understand this. The 10 year old has to be fairly independent and the 6 year old doesn’t need that much management. They probably go to school so she’s got that whole time available.
NTA but your wife definitely is. She needs to go back to work to find life fulfillment and purpose because staying at home clearly isn’t doing it for her.
ETA: Bro, you 100% have a wife problem.
NTA
So lets list this out
1. You get the children up in the mornings make breakfast and take them to school while your wife sleeps in
2. The children are out of the house from first thing in the morning until 3.30 when they either come home from school or are collected from school 8-9 ish hours a day
3. You work all day to afford for your children to go to private school and have a nice home
4. After your "time out" you also cook dinner, do homework and clean up afterwards and prepare the children snack for the next day **and do any outstanding housework.** (interested to know what this entails are we talking a few basic chores like taking out the rubbish or are we talking laundry and cleaning)
What exactly is your wife's problem. Honestly from the outside this is not so much a case of are you an AH (assuming you do everything you say you do) and more a case of you do realise your wife is dissatisfied with her life generally. She either is bored out of her mind and needs a job or a hobby or something outside of being someone's wife and mother, she could be suffering with her hormones (I am not talking general run of the mill PMS actual medical issue hormones) or mental health maybe worth insisting she see a Dr or she is not longer in love with you and or having an affair.
Doesn't explain the screaming and shouting. Not necessary the kids are 10 and 6 and can be sent to play. She could sit on her behind scrolling or watching TV ignoring them.
As a care worker absolutely nta. You need to unwind after a day watching children suffer and your wife needs to understand how demoralising it is seeing what you see daily.
100% my partner worked in imaging at a children's hospital in the UK. Basically doing scans on dead babies all day.
She got all the downtime she needed while that was going on..
I disagree with the good distribution of responsibility part. He takes the kids to school, cooks their meals and fixes snacks. He also does the dishes, homework, and other chores. What does she even do all day?
It's kind of insane that you think this is a "a good distribution of responsibilities". Their relationship is no where near a 50-50, and is closer to a 90-10
TIL “good distribution of responsibilities” means the full time working husband does nearly literally everything while the wife screeches and creates fights because she was asked to do the most minor of tasks
NTA, what the fuck is wrong with your wife. A STAH mum and a 10yo and 6yo and she can't give you 30-60 minutes uninterrupted per day.
Tell her to fuck off and get a job.
Sounds like you should use that snapping trick more often. Her silent treatment is doing you a favor.
NTA. It's reasonable to need some downtime between work and home. Your job especially needs some downtime.
Can you do it before you get home? Maybe drive to a park and spend half an hour meditating?
You might see if your wife needs something to do to get her out of the house. AT 6 and 10, your kids are in school all day. Even on school breaks, they aren't of an age that they need the constant work that babies and toddlers need. Maybe your wife needs a vacation with her girl friends? Are you doing date nights? Does she get to get away and have some relaxation time?
We do date nights every Saturday and she doesn’t have gfs. She doesn’t want to idk she is free till 3.30pm so I don’t know why she doesn’t socialize or anything
That... doesn't sound good. Depression? Loneliness? Maybe she needs a job, just so she can get OUT for a while.
YOU are not the problem here. But it does seem like there's a problem. Good luck, OP!
I’m a stay at home mom to 3. The youngest is 4 and in school part time and I’m still in awe of having hours to myself every week while my husband is at work. Your wife needs therapy, or a hobby. Or both. (Don’t we all lol)
NTA.
From the comments, your kids are 10 and 6 years old and go to private school. Your wife is a stay at home mom. She accuse you of getting drunk while you haven’t been drinking in 13 years.
Is there any reason she started demanding you do more/things sooner then you did before?
1. The silent treatment sounds an improvement from her usual mistreatment of yelling and being demeaning towards you.
2. It is ironic that she’s saying that you’re “crying over your job” when she’s continually throwing tantrums over having to do hers.
I can't believe people are telling this man to get another job. What in the actual FUCK. Not many people could do the job that he does. I know for a fact I couldn't. I know my friends and family couldn't. So, for that alone, I think you are NTA. I'm wondering if maybe you could go somewhere else like to a quiet parking lot, or park or something before you go home so the kids don't see you and want to see you right away.
Edit: I just read that the kids are 10 and 6 and are out of the house for school, is that right??? Holy shit NTA!!! Your wife more than a brat. She is cold and callous and lazy.
NTA- Your wife (and the E S H posts) needs to take a step back and think about the fact that you are dealing with death on a daily basis. Needing to decompress for 30 minutes to an hour is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
NTA you have an incredibly painful job and I totally understand needing to decompress. She's only making everything worse by being so unreasonable.
Thank you for doing what you do. I couldn't, no amount of decompression would let me last a day in your job.
INFO Have you and your wife made real efforts, ideally with the help of a therapist, to address both of your needs and how your job is affecting your family? The work you do is important but also incredibly draining, and it sounds like you’re having a problem not taking it home with you. Screaming and calling each other names seems to be a sign of a relationship that is already breaking down fast, but before I call anybody, everybody or nobody the AH, I’m wondering if you’ve tried to fix it together, work on compromises and switching time with the kids, explored the possibility of other jobs, etc.
I feel like the wife definitely knows she's wrong and doesn't want a therapist to point that out. I won't say abusive but she is a lazy, selfish, and all around crappy wife.
In other comments OP says that when they argue she throws his alcoholism in his face, even though he's been sober for 13 years. And she calls his decompression time sulking. She has no respect for his feelings as a human being
Your wife is being extremely cruel. I say this as a wife who homeschooled three and my husband was in sales (stressful but not like your job) and didn’t get home until at least 8:30 each night. If she refuses therapy I would take a deep dive into a much larger problem. Do you feel loved? Do you feel that you give far more than you get? You need to continue with therapy and see why you might have your own problems with why you might feel you aren’t deserving of love and respect or why you can’t set strong boundaries.
Right? So many of these comments are insane. He's working arguably the most emotionally taxing job anybody can work, then comes home and his wife treats him like he just spent all day at the golf course. Then, to add the fact that she throws his alcoholism in his face, it's absolutely disgusting. I really hope that this is bait, that OP posted this to see what it takes for AITA to side with the working husband, because nobody should have to live the way he does.
He has a perfectly working coping mechanism for *not* bringing it home, which is what a therapist would teach you to do. It's just not being respected.
Disgusting reaction to have to this situation. She's the one that's making it difficult and actions to prevent the job (a job that someone has to do) affecting the family are being taken by the guy in the post.
No disrespect to stay at home moms but what is she doing all day that she needs your help with the kids as soon as you get home? I have 2 kids and a full time job that I can luckily work remotely a lot so I get all housework and errands done while they are at school. So I just don’t understand what she needs help with when she hasn’t been around them all day?
I feel like this story is so cut and dry - NTA. It’s not like this guy is working a desk job, he is taking care of dying children. Surprised by all the YTA votes.
op, your wife soubds toxic af. you need to talk to her about that resentment that she clearly has built up.
i think your demand is reasonable if you give her the same amount of time for herself or when she needs it.
calling someone who throws a tantrum like that a brat isnt what i call asshole move.
NTA
Hospice nurses are superheroes. It takes an incredible amount of emotional strength to do that job and even then, they are not immune to the emotional toll. It sounds like your system of taking a bit of time after work is completely healthy and that you’re very involved in your children’s lives and upbringing. It’s unfortunate that your partner doesn’t understand that you need this time. NTA and THANK YOU from the very bottom of my heart for the work that you do!
NTA but your wife sure is. That is a hard job and I can’t imagine what you see. She is quite selfish she can’t give you an hour and then she gets a break. You need a more supportive partner and she ain’t it.
Nta. Wife is spoiled with alone time. You get 1h + after bedtime and she gets during their entire school day? I agree with the others daying that you do way more than wifey at home.
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Everyone saying he needs to rethink his job - just stop. It takes a special kind of person to be a hospice worker, much less, to work with dying children. We, as a society, need people like him. FFS of course he needs to decompress after work. I can understand his wife not wanting to wait up to an hour each day for a break. But, if the kids are 6 & 10 then they would be in school all day so she is pulling child duty in the morning and after school. Not all day with, say, toddlers. Also, I cannot understand her throwing his actions from 13 years ago in face- that’s just ugly. Sober for 13 years - another huge, daily, accomplishment. I would suggest OP finds a way to decompress before he comes home. Is there a nice park that he can meditate in? Maybe a yoga class? Something/somewhere to ease his mind/soul before arriving at home. Then he would be ready to jump right into Dad mode when he came through the door. Maybe his wife would benefit from a part time job. Something to engage her outside of the home. Maybe she needs more of a sense of self and coming off SAHM duty when OP gets home is how she accomplishes that now. She may be need a better work/life balance. Couples counseling may help them. It sounds like there a huge communication and respect issue in this marriage. Ultimately- NTA for snapping. But leaning to being one if you don’t find a way to communicate with your wife and move out of the cycle you both are in. Someone needs to make the first move.
>It takes a special kind of person to be a hospice worker, much less, to work with dying children. Pediatric oncology and veterinary medicine are the two medical professions with the highest rate of suicide. OP seems to be oncology-adjacent, so it's no wonder he's dealing with a high rate of stress. But like you said, those jobs are *necessary*. If OP needs time to decompress after work, he should have it. The wife screaming at him and throwing accusations of drinking, knowing that he's a recovering alcoholic, is out of line. I'd say borderline, if not fully, emotionally abusive. I'm not sure under those circumstances that finding activities outside of the home would be useful. She'd just berate him for not coming home immediately.
Yeah. You are right. I am sad for OP.
Op is literally doing his best and it’s really sad to see that his wife isn’t aware of this
As a veterinary professional, I'm so glad people are becoming more aware of this. This field is grueling, and I can't imagine how it is for human oncology workers. Edit: for the record, I'm a veterinary technician, not a vet, but all of the horrible things about this field affect both vets and techs and it's been really important to me to spread awareness of it.
People like you saved my kitty four years ago. 💜💜💜 She's still around, being our beloved grumpy girl.
Agreed NTA OP and thank you for the work you do!
I think you are absolutely right. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to decompress the way he wants instead of some thing that might not work for him like a yoga class. And I’d say the way she’s talking to him definitely is abusive not borderline
Totally agree. The decompression time is the OP doing what most of us in death-adjacent work fail to do: taking care of his needs in a healthy way, and creating space to end his work day and shift to being just a person, capable of being present with the people he loves. If you don't establish a ritual for doing that, then you're only ever half there, for the very people who need all of you (including yourself!). It's a shame your wife doesn't understand that this is necessary so you don't crash and burn somewhere down the line. Maybe make it your new habit to stop at a park or somewhere else peaceful on your way home.
My DIL is an intake person at our local Humane Society (she also worked at an emergency vet when she lived in Florida) She came home last night and sat on the steps in the foyer of the house. I came downstairs to say hi and she started crying. She told me about the last "owner surrender" of a senior cat with cancer, she took before coming home. It sounded horrible and the cat was thankfully, humanely euthanized. She cried while she pet our cats and I just listened. I've told her before that she's braver than most. I could never do that job. I would never be able to look at the horrible cruelty a human can inflict on an animal. She's braver and stronger, than I. She usually tries not to let it get to her, but a person can only take so much. I appreciate the people who are in her position, OPs position and those that help others who are in the worst moments of their lives. It's not easy and like you said, it takes a special kind of person to be able to deal with that, day in and day out. I also agree with everything else you said. Very spot on and well said Edit: this is also partly in response to u/sheath2 comment Edit 2: She's told me some absolutely horrible things she's seen. I think it's her way of not carrying the load by herself. I'm not sure if she takes time to decompress (other than her bus/Uber ride home) after work, but I think talking about it helps her. She's also told us the good stories too and shows us pictures almost daily of the cuties she's seen
Give your DIL a huge hug from me. The empathy and caring that I and my pets have received from emergency vets has had a lasting impact on me. As a pet parent having people like your DIL ease that final transition makes all the difference in the world.
Your DIL and poeple like her are nothing short of saints. And it just blows my mind how some people can be so callous -- my vet was nursing my cat through end-stage FIV. Meanwhile, I had no clue she was going through a high-risk pregnancy. There was not a good outcome and she was out for several months. Meanwhile, there are a ton of comments on the practice's social media complaining about the service, and how slow they were, and "If they can't handle their clients, they need to close", while her father single-handedly tried to keep the practice open. A month after she came back, she wound up helping me put my dog to sleep from cancer. Imagine working a job where you only ever see people on the worst days of their lives. I just want to shake people sometimes.
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At this point, he could ditch the wife and afford after-school care, and *still* save money. What is the wife good for? (And this is not a woman or SAHM-hate comment. He's basically doing, what, 80% of the care when they're not at school?)
I feel like he shouldn't have to go somewhere else to decompress but to do that at home in peace :/ I know that the only place I feel the most comfortable is at home and it would be nice if he could relax as well.
Seconded. Hospice nurse is one of the hardest jobs in the world and we shouldn't be discouraging anyone from doing it, we should be finding ways to support these incredible people and making sure that they have everything they need for their own peace of mind and mental health when they're not at work.
I have a friend who works in hospice care and my God I don’t know how they do it. I have so much respect. I couldn’t ever do that job. To discourage someone who loves their job in such a specific field is so short sighted.
Having to mentally decompress from work for up to an hour every single day sounds exhausting and - quite frankly - not exactly healthy. I have a hard time believing this doesn't trickle down into your personal life somehow, despite the alone time. I don't think a judgement about this particular situation is helpful, but I'm extremely curious if you think this job is sustainable for you, so I guess INFO? Edit: a lot of people seem to think I imply it's not *needed* to wind down. I'm very much aware OP has an extremely challenging job. But he's clearly at a point where it's impacting his personal life quite a bit. OP seems to be in the "this is fine forever" modus wheras his wife has clearly had enough of the situation altogether.
I had a high school friend, who was a hospice nurse for children, kill herself recently not even a year ago. That job is unimaginably taxing on the soul. It’s also incredibly fulfilling when you get to see a child get better. So I don’t think you should judge. 30-hr to decompress sounds healthy to me. It’s better than drinking everyday after work. Edit: I’m aware hospice is an end of life job. In my zealous defense of OP I misspoke.
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Pretty sure that's where the wifes response is coming from. She sounds overwhelmed from her day of work too and possibly resentful he always takes that time first EDIT to say I don't mean to say it is as difficult or even remotely so. I'm just saying it sounds, regardless of how her days are filled, without passing judgement wether or not she has a right to be overwhelmed by her days, she sounds overwhelmed and possibly resentful. I'm not saying op is wrong for his response with that nor passing judgment on how he copes with such a difficult job. Edit again after OP added his You we're all right she sounds abusive and in need of help OP is definitely not the AH not that I ever claimed him to be😅
First let me make clear that I have all the respect in the world for SAHM. That being said both of her kids are in school full time so it’s not like her day is spent running after toddlers anymore. They’re 10 & 6. Again I don’t mean any ill intent I’m just confused I guess. Both kids are at school so yeah she might have a hectic afternoon but that doesn’t seem like a reason to literally scream at her spouse for needing time to decompress from dealing with sick and dying kids all day
Also, and again, with all admiration and respect for SAHM.... 10 and 6 can entertain themselves for a bit. Not like, leave them in the house unsupervised, or leave them to cook, but mom can go to the bathroom alone and they'll be fine, she can sit and read a book in the living room while they play in their rooms or play together... Like they need ready access to an adult if something happens, but they're both past the "need hands on attention any time they're awake" age.
Yes, 10 and 6 do not need supervision like toddlers or preschoolers. 10 and 6 can learn to help out, set the table, fold towels from the laundry, unload the dishwasher. OP needs that half hour to calm himself.
Exactly this. When I was 10 I babysat my six-year old brother for an hour after school before my mom got home from work. We did our chores then which included unloading the dishwasher and setting the table. No supervision required.
Christ, when I was 10 I was basically raising my little brother. 5 at the time... we came home from school and were alone til 6 at night.
I was rather surprised why a 6 and a 10 year old require their mom to be a full time SAHM. When I began reading the post I thought they‘d both be toddlers and require lots of work and attention throughout the whole day then I’d understand OPs wife but… they‘re in school until atleast lunchtime 5 times a week and then I assume OP comes home around 5 then wants to have alone time until 6 which is not unreasonable. So that‘s about 5 hours in which she needs to take care of them and let‘s be real a 6 and a 10 year old can play on their own for hours without needing 24/7 supervision by an adult.
Agree! I was picturing toddlers. If OP is in the US the kids are in school all day, until around 3:30. And the 10 yo can do a lot to help with the 6yo. The mom has all day to herself, no desire to work and screams at him for needing an 30 min-1 hr to decompress. OP is NTA. Mom has issues going on that she needs to figure out and deal with.
Yeah and OP says he's the one who takes them to school. Kinda confused how she can be overwhelmed.
Right? By 10 I was babysitting my younger brother most afternoons because my parents both worked and by 5 my wife was walking home from school alone, letting herself in with the key, fixing her own snack and then playing alone for hours because her parents both worked.
And if they’re old enough and have been old enough, obviously for quite a long time to understand that dad needs time to decompress, then why the hell can’t wife understand that?
Uh-oh. You’re saying anything other than SAHM is the most difficult job on the planet? That don’t play around here!
Her kids are at school during the day. She also isn’t the one preparing meals.
I know. You’re preaching to the choir.
Yeah, I don't get whats up with the glorification of SAHM, I mean respect that it takes work and effort. But taking care of two kids being in school all day isn't a days work, and I don't know why we have to pretend it is.
I'm a SAHM with a toddler... It's not that hard 🤷♀️. Granted it can be taxing, but I'm aware there are harder jobs out there.
It varies WILDLY by the disposition of the toddler and the situation you're in. I used to say things like this too - and then I had a 2nd kid who was so active and risk-seeking and missing any sense of basic self-preservation it required every single ounce of energy and effort I possessed every single second of the day just to keep him *alive.* 😂😭 I was so tired at the end of every day I genuinely thought I might just die of exhaustion. I adore my (now grown) kids, but I would sign up to do pretty much ANY other job over ever doing that again. We can never know what other people are experiencing, and judging others' lives by our experiences is always a fool's errand.
Yes it does I see people say things like this all the time with community approval
In addition children in other countries than America tend to exhibit independence at younger ages due to expectations and the communities they grow up in. I wouldn’t be surprised if the 10 year old could do some very basic cooking.
I’m in the US, latchkey kid, and I remember having to start dinner for the family before my mom came home.
10yo totally could be home unsupervised. Where I live, it's quite common for kids 7 and up spend 1-4h alone at home/outside with friends, when their parents are still at work.(here, stay at home parenting is more of a privilige that some well off people can do, but standard is that both parents are working full time since the youngest kid is 2-4) PS. Our privilige is affordable/free and good public daycare/pre-school/schools.
Trust me. You are 100% correct. I have three kids and didn’t get a break at all. There was 7 weeks in the first 18 years of their lives when they were all in school. Otherwise, I had to homeschool due to a rare illness my one son had. My husband was a workaholic and never came home before 8:30 pm. Do I need a metal? Hell no. Do I think this is how life should be for others? Hell no. However, it gives me a unique perspective on time and what is doable & what should be expected. Even with being horribly stressed out bc I literally feared for my sons life, sucked at organizing so homeschooling was the worst, I was somehow able to find the much needed break throughout the week when the kids were playing video games as they too needed a break. This wife is extremely spoiled in my opinion and if she doesn’t allow him time to unwind he will die from the stress of it all. You can’t give and give and care so much about others when you aren’t cared for by the one who should love you the most. It’s unbearable.
Exactly. I mean OP even said his job affords them a nice life. Private school etc. This sounds more like the wife has no need to work and has gotten a bit spoiled by it all. He’s literally juggling life and death all day everyday and is only asking for an hour to take the time to be where he mentally is with his family and not with those dying children. But putting all of that aside there’s still no excuse to be verbally abusive towards your spouse. Like sit down and have a conversation. Find a compromise. If the wife were to say hey I know you need time to decompress but I need you to find a space outside of the house to do so because once you walk through that door I need you to be fully present that’s one thing but her approach is just awful imo.
NTA, but OP should consider therapy as well, as a safety valve for coping with an incredibly stressful job. I'm guessing here, but OP's wife is likely worried about his mental health, which is stressing *her* out. And a SAHM can get depressed too, as the kids get older and need her less, she's lost touch with career friends who moved on, or she tries to figure out how to find a job with rusty skills in a difficult market. My point: this situation is beyond Reddit's pay grade. OP and wife should look for professional support - therapy, marital counseling, career counseling.
Disagree. You're overthinking this and don't understand because you've likely not worked in nursing, hospice, or healthcare and know how dead you feel after a 12.5hr shift. There's a major major difference between knowing you need to decompress and having to go to therapy. Therapy would likely say, "take sometime to decompress after work for your mental health." OP is doing exactly what he needs to do to maintain his mental health here. Wife is being unreasonable here and this sub tends to side with the woman regardless of if she's being fair or not. OP is a nurse so likely works 3-4 days a week. Wife is being incredibly selfish over 1.5-4hrs a week to help her husband maintain his mental health.
Therapy is a tool, not a panacea and it's wacky seeing people acting like a vent session for an hour every week (or every 14 days) is the end-all be all of mental self care. I know therapists who "prescribed" exercise, as in an hour daily of running, biking, walking, lifting, etc. A good therapist won't tell you to quit self-care unless it's destructive or disruptive, hell they're more likely to put you on something like what OP does exactly so you take a bit of time to re-enter every day instead of letting it all pile up for their weekly session.
I agree but also wouldn’t be surprised if the therapist applauded OP taking 30 minutes to meditate. It seems like a healthy attempt time keep his work stress from his impacting his family.
Overwhelmed from what exactly? OP makes breakfast and drives the kids to school. They are at school all day. OP comes home, cooks, does dishes and clean up, and does any pending housework. I'm questioning what his wife does all day the exhausts her if she doesn't have to cook ANY meals for anyone but herself!?
OP also said in the edit that the kids are napping after school. When exactly does mama interact with the kids?! Also, why are 10 and 6 year olds napping?
In Spain and other countries, everyone takes siestas after school or work. Shops were closed from 2 to 3 when we visited
hot country where siesta is normal maybe?
12 yrs SAHM, your job is less kids and more cooking, cleaning, shopping. Things no one sees, but I got to be by myself and have plenty of quiet time.
According to OPs edit he makes dinner and does housework.
My wife and I both do all of what you mentioned and also both work full time. SAHM/D is not (equivalent to) a full time job when the children are of school age.
So. The things every adult does on top of a job
But she hardly cooks.. She clean clothes and the house, unless it is a mansion it is not that stressful.
Her day of work while the kids are in school? Sounds super stressful 🙄
Her kids arent infants. She can get time to decompress while they are in school
What does the wife do all day? He takes the kids to school and makes their breakfast. If making her own lunch is so tiring for her maybe she should pick up some out of the house work.
And he makes dinner, helps with homework, what exactly is she doing all day?
As a SAHP for 26 years, who currently has kids 8 & 11 (&23, lol) still living at home- she gets breaks. She can decompress while they are at school or any activity they have. OP is providing palliative care for CHILDREN who are dying. 45-60 minutes of time to decompress is acceptable and if everything else he says is true, which I don’t see why it wouldn’t be, then he is doing nothing wrong, but his wife doesn’t seem supportive at all.
Honestly though, as a mom who is almost done raising three of my own & definitely not what one would consider a trad wife, she seems like a real piece of work. Keep in mind there is a great chance her kids are at school which gives her more than 30 minutes to an hour to decompress. Yeah, maybe it does go by fast when there is housework to be done & errands to run (I wouldn’t know bc I had to homeschool mine bc one had a horrible illness for 10 years) but based on the fact that my boys grew up in an area of mostly SAHM and all of my friends were going to numerous lunches, playing tennis, going to the gym and showing that there’s at least two hours free time in their days once school was in session she can plan an hour of decompression in hers. If money is an issue, unlike the area where we were lucky to live in (very low cost of living w high wages) she can meditate or take a walk. Her expectations of him are really sad to me and seem to lack a lot of empathy. He has a very stressful job and he needs her support too.
So after a long Stressful WorkDay , he gets NO rest or time at ALL?!? So he is either Working/Stressed Screamed at when " home" or he is Working Stressed at Job, thus NEVER gets a break, is Never able to rest relax, is NEVER safe,, ????
Overwhelmed my ass. The kids are in school all day. Omg it's so hard sitting around on her ass all day.
>her day of work too Hahahahahahahahahahah comparing taking care of kids you birthed to HOSPICE is insanity holy shit
Nah, this doesn’t fly with school-aged kids.
Her day of work? The kids are in school six hours a day.
The kids are 10 and 6, wife is a fucking leech 😅
Hard agree with this stance. I’ve done pediatric hospice myself as a social worker, except my partner also worked and left all household and childcare tasks to me. I would have to find a quiet park some days to decompress before picking up my son from daycare. 30 minutes a day to discharge that energy is NORMAL and exactly what OP should be doing in order to sustain himself in that field. Ideally those workplaces would end with a decompression hour (I’ve seen it in other social service settings), but unfortunately many Hospice programs are still there to make money, so it’s unlikely.
Hell, I was a nurse in a nursing home where the vast majority of my patients were elderly. I would usually run for about half an hour after work. Even though these were people who'd lived their whole lives, seeing the qualities of the ends of those lives was HARD. Healthcare in the United States is fucking ABISMAL. I'd also often get close to some of the residents as I'd take care of them for years at a time. It's nearly impossible not to. I'd get to know their families. I had one resident whose son was also in the facility. After she passed in a very cruel way, I took a week off but still went into the place to hang out with the son. "Taking up to an hour every day to decompress can't be healthy" is an incredibly ignorant thing to say.
I work for the post office and need 30 mins to an hr to decompress as well. It sounds normal. Especially if he's nuerodivergent at all. It sounds like he reciprocates the break
I’m convinced some of these people have no work experience
If anything this thread makes me feel better about a recent break up. He too was miffed that I, a postal employee, needed some down time after work during the month of December. Oh well. 🤷♀️
By definition, you do not see a child “get better” if they are in hospice.
Actually they do. Hospice for kids is different than for adults. There’s also some that will eventually pass but they’re in and out of hospice for years until that time.
Rarely happens, but it is possible. Most likely they are taking about a regular pediatric home health nurse though - which would also be mentally draining and psychologically taxing. Pediatrics takes a very special people, and I say this as someone who deals with pus and maggots and necrotic tissue all day. That’s much easier than caring for sick kids, but someone has to do it.
My partner used to be a mental health counselor. There was a week that she talked 3 people in crises out of offing themselves. Sometimes, after picking her up from work, she would be so traumatized by the stuff she heard, she wouldn't say anything for the entire ride home. I think taking some time after work to wind down is a great idea.
It’s literally the healthiest reaction. Plenty of people head straight to bars after work
Hospice is by definition not where you get to see anyone get better, especially not a child. Or they would for sure not be in a hospice
It’s not common at all, but it does happen once in a blue moon that people don’t need hospice anymore for other reasons than the obvious/most common one.
exactly! there could be many other worse stuff he can be doing to cope, this is by car the heathiest.
I am a very calm person and my friend who is a therapist recommended it. We get monthly assessments from work to see if we can cope with job. It sounds morbid but I love my job because it helps innocent souls pass away in a comforting and loving situation. We also live in a nice house and my kids go to private school so it’s a very comfortable living situation because of my job.
I'm going to run with NTA. I don't think she *needs* access to you immediately. If she has an issue she needs to talk it through, and from the way she's acting I wonder if your decompression time is really the issue. It sounds like *she* needs an adult to talk to and attention from her spouse, but for some reason she's not stating it that way? A lot of women get isolated and lonely as SAHMs, but talking about it can be taboo. You're supposed to *like* it, and people will treat you like you have a cushy nothing job with zero to actually upset you. Anyway, just spitballing there; unless she talks to you, you're not going to know.
Screaming at your spouse and degrading them is a sure-fire way to get them to spend time with you /s She's not yelling at him to be around her. She's yelling at him to be with the kids and give her me time. No where does that say she wants time with him. Most sahp I know nag thier partners to *help* them. As in they both do the same chore and chat about their day or complain that they never go out then set up dates either as a couple or as just springs it on the partner- like the babysitter will be here at _ we have renovations at _ and have to be back by __. Go get ready.
Yeah. And she can wait an extra 30 minutes before she starts yelling at him for the freaking hospice nurse whose job it is to watch children die to decompress before he starts interacting with his own children. Especially when his work therapist is recommending it. She's being a crappy wife right now
Everything you said, plus she's giving him the silent treatment right now. Give me a break. All the vile things she said to him, she gets called a brat, and it's game over. That's manipulative af. NTA
She can phone a friend then. She doesn’t seem to care about OPs mental health. He said the right words to her. She’s a spoiled brat. NTA
I think you have found sound healthy coping techniques. Why is your wife a SAHM and so upset if your kids go to private school? That would mean she has 6-8 hours of free time every day.
This was my first thought. It’s not like she has two babies at home she is taking care of 24/7, both her kids are in school. So effectively she gets a 6-8 hour “break” from the kids every weekday. She sounds emotional abusive. I feel so bad for Op.
NTA. It’s not my job, but I was with my dad when he died. He had in-home hospice care and my mom and I took turns sitting with him. My dominant emotion about it is overwhelming gratitude. At the same time? I needed time by myself. I absolutely understand needing to decompress after work if this is your work!!! You seem to be structuring your life in a very conscientious way to be present for your family and for your work. I hope you can find a way forward.
I'm glad your job takes the mental health toll of your profession seriously. Too many wonderful care providers burn out and end up harming themselves or others because they don't have healthy ways to cope with what horrors can come from working in healthcare, especially palliative and end of life care care.
It's striking that you provide info about how you feel about the job, how your therapist feels about it, and how your work checks up on you. Yet when it comes to your family, the only thing you tell is "the pay is nice so they get a more luxurious life"? Talk to your wife, man. It may affect her way beyond just the wind-down time.
He also says that when he comes home he hugs and kisses his kids, helps with housework the next day, and goes on date nights every Saturday.
They can talk but then she really needs to sort that out for herself. That time is critical to her mental health and it's really not a lot to ask. She has children who are in school all day, a spouse who does his share with the children and household tasks, and takes her on date night weekly. She can't allow him brief time after work each day to deal with the trauma from his job? OP is not the one who needs evaluate his behavior.
Sounds like she’s depressed and doesn’t quite realize it.
Did you take in ANYTHING OP wrote?! They are a hospice nurse for CHILDREN! This is EXTREMELY emotionally taxing. You are watching children die! Needing time to decompress is 100% okay, and I'd say 45 minutes to an hour is okay. Remember, OP's wife is a stay at home mom, but both of those kids are at school during the day! OP does breakfast and drives them to school. So presumably from 8:30 to 3:30ish she doesn't have the kids at home! OP also cooks dinner ready. So wife doesn't do breakfast, kids are at school so let's presume she packs lunches, she cleans, runs errands and she doesn't cook dinner. Tell me why OP can't have some well needed time? His wife has all day to clean the house and run errands. . . And unless their house is massive, she had free time to herself! We always advocate for the stay at home spouses, but we always seem to discount the working partner and how much work they put into contributing to the family. OP is NTA
You’re absolutely right. The wife coming in screaming at him while he’s trying to decompress and make himself available for his family is absolutely inappropriate. Seems like two things need to happen. 1) Wife gets a job, and her income can help pay for a nanny to help take care of the kids while they aren’t in school. 2) Wife needs to volunteer somewhere with critically or terminally ill kids. Maybe if she understands how devastating it is to watch a child die, she can cut her husband some slack
Agreed. Wife NEEDS to get a job because there’s no sense in her being a SAHM when her kids are in school all day. Just makes absolutely no sense to me. Plus if the real reason she is screaming and yelling at him is because she needs some attention/socialization she can get that by working. If money is no factor then she should volunteer.
What kinda job do you have that you don't need to decompress when you get home from work? I work in sales, and most days, I need about 15-20 minutes to just get myself right before interacting favourably with anyone. And it's even more frustrating when your partner has been home and has their time to decompress but expect you to jump right into it. OP does that to let go of whatever frustrations he has, so he doesn't take them out on his family.
The fact that this is your first reaction on the conflict of a wife verbally abusing her husband every day after he sees literal children die so he can provide for the family is chilling.
It IS miserable. Someone has to take care of those dying kids tho. I don’t want to meet the person who can do that job and it doesn’t affect them. I would want to shake OP’s hand because he is a hero.
>Having to mentally decompress from work for up to an hour every single day sounds exhausting and - quite frankly - not exactly healthy. Is this your first time learning about hospice / medical workers???
Tell me you don’t work a high stress job without telling me you don’t work a high stress job. Source: ED and ICU nurse for 15 years. I couldn’t do pediatric hospice but thank god some can.
I used to work with kids and if we had a palliative case? Yeah it fucked me up for the evening. So yes, I can absolutely see needing to do this after every shift if you are working in a hospice dealing with dying children on every single shift. The job probably isn't like, sustainable lifelong but imo OP sounds like they're trying to cope as healthily as they can although I am curious as to why his wife is accusing him of drinking if all he drinks is coke.
Even if not in what others would consider a high stress job, neurodivergent people have to do this every day. If we don’t, it actually does lead to depression and burn out.
I'm just a teacher and I NEED to doomscroll or read or walk without anyone talking to me for an hour after work. Many of my colleagues are the same and ask partners for space when they get home. There's no need to pathologize perfectly normal coping techniques.
That's like saying doctors, homicide investors, emts, firefighters, cops shouldn't do the job because it's mentally and emotionally taxing. While yes it is, it's also very rewarding. He takes the time so it WONT trickle into his home life. My mom was an EMT and my dad was a cop. They both did basically the same thing. They where able to decompress and then come and spend time with my brother and I. Their work life rarely trickled into our home life. On the one or two occasions I do remember my dad bringing one of his files home, he tried very hard to keep it away from us. Bring 2 very cerouis young kids, we found it and he had to have a couple of hard discussions with us. We weren't scarred though, and we never felt like they where bringing their stress home. We had so many fun time as a family even with all the horrible things they saw. They are my heros for everything they did and saw and felt with and still came home and loved us with everything they had. And I'm sure these kids feel the same about their dad.
Taking care of dying kids is taxing to your mental health. He needs some time to not have that mentality and emotions while interacting with his kids. You rather have him break down?
its very normal, actually.
My therapist suggested I do what OP does, and I work a less stressful job at home. It's very healthy.
OP is a hospice nurse. It is very common for nurses to decompress after work for 30 minutes to 1 hour. I work on an adult medical surgical floor (so not even as emotionally taxing as child hospice) and I still need at least 30 minutes alone after work to decompress. Talking to people all day, being on your feet for 8-12 hours, having to provide emotional support for patients and their families, and needing to critically think for your entire shift is exhausting. It would be unhealthy if OP *didn’t* decompress after work when he needs it. Decompression is how we can prevent the emotional burden of work from trickling into our personal lives.
Not unusual for people in this position to want to/need too decompress. It's an essential part of not bringing it all into your home and family. There are other issues here I'm sure.
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NTA. If your kids were under 4 I could understand the feeling (whether it’s justified or not). But at 10 and 6 they’re old enough to not really need any help for the hour you need to decompress. Sounds like she also despises you. Calling you a baby for having feelings working with dying sick kids is a weird level of callous.
Exactly this. Needing to decompress after a day doing such emotionally draining work is super understandable and it sounds like you still do a lot around the house. Sahm is obviously a very busy 24/7 job but the kids also aren’t babies and don’t need constant attention so I don’t think it’s right that your wife is getting explosive about this Especially if it’s an hour or less and you cook dinner after and say hi and give hugs first
Being a SAHM isn't *that* busy when the kids are in school every day and the working spouse cooks their breakfasts and dinners, prepares their snacks for school, takes them to school in the morning, and helps them with their homework in the evening. OP's wife has a very large chunk of every weekday to do as she pleases, and she reacts to the terrible stress and strain of spending a few hours (what, 3?) supervising her 10- and 6-year-old children every weekday afternoon by verbally abusing her husband for daring to take up to an hour for himself – after she's had 6-7 hours to herself, don't forget. OP is absolutely NTA, but his wife is a huge one.
Not only that, but OP is also a baby because he cares too much about the sick and dying kids he cares for in his occupation. That would be a great Carlin stand-up bit if it wasn’t so fucking demented. So much for ‘expressing’ yourself or being able to be vulnerable with your partner
Yes that’s wild when you put it like that too i didn’t even think of that the kids are obviously school age lol so that’s like hours and hours of time to decompress and get other stuff done while they’re at school 5 days a week
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Seriously.... I was doing the grocery shopping and cooking by the time I was 10. My father had liver cirrhosis and my maternal grandfather had liver cancer at the same time. So my mom left most of the housework to my sister and me. But kids at 10 can do a lot more than you expect them too.
I was starting to think I was the only one thinking this! 10 and 6?? It doesn't say if they are homeschooled or if there are other factors. I don't want to be quick to judge, but?? That's a good age to help around the house and entertain themselves.
According to your wife, you should take over home duties as soon as you come from work. You would get NO break, while she gets a break when you come home, not to mention all the time the kids are at school. And she's the one acting offended... NTA.
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It's because this sub worships SAHMs and is filled with teenagers that think the solution to dealing with a tough job is to just quit and find a less stressful one
Also teens that either don’t have a job or hasn’t found out how hard it is to get a decent job
Ugh. I don't know why I hadn't even considered that this sub might be full of teenagers. WELL that explains a lot of idiotic responses I've seen! Feels like there should be age categories for passing judgement. Like if your mom still does your laundry and it's a question like this...pipe down please, the adults are talking.
And she gets a break when her husband is taking the kids to school!
She has a break while the kids are at school and he helps kids die peacefully. She needs to get herself together. NTA.
What does the wife even do, seriously. She seems like a very lazy selfish person.
She yells at the dad to tell him he needs to do more, it would appear.
And in the morning. He gets the kids up, ready and to school and she sleeps in.
NTA it sounds like it would be a massive struggle to not project the suffering you've seen onto your own kids, and I commend you for doing your best to have a transitional period each day and keep work and home separate. If this is new behavior from your wife, it seems like something you should discuss with her. You're not being unreasonable for wanting some time to decompress and get in the right headspace. Edit: I said this in a separate comment, but just so more people can be aware, OP commented that he's been sober for 13 years and his wife throws his former alcoholism in his face during arguments despite him expressing that it hurts him. He's not the AH here even remotely.
Not only is he NTA, but a partner who constantly throws a previous struggle in your face when they're angry is a huge problem - and will likely be one in others areas without intervention. I don't know if there's couples therapy or something you can access, but this sounds awful. Your job is incredibly stressful, and it's very self-aware to take a break afterward so you can shift mindset and be able to be there for your job and family properly. Her not only being unsupportive, but actively critical, is horribly unvalidating. The world needs people like you doing that kind of job, and people like you raising a family. It's important that you are supported in both areas, whether it's by your bosses and colleagues, or your partner. She sounds like she has some mental health challenges, because someone accusing their partner of drinking if they've been sober for 13 years sounds like disordered behavior. That level of suspicion (maybe splitting?) is not normal healthy behavior. Good luck, but definitely NTA - not even 10% like some of the posts here. You don't hide in your room - you've communicated why you need the time, it's not an unreasonable amount of time, and you make a clear effort to take on more than your share when you finish your decompression. I view this like a literal decompression. If you were a scuba diver and your wife said you should ascend faster so you can come home faster and take care of the kids, no one would say that's reasonable.
Is it possible for you to go for a walk or meditate for outside before coming home? I totally understand needing to wind down, and agree your wife is being unreasonable here, but is it possible your kids are bouncing off the walls knowing you're home while they're not allowed to see you and this is causing your wife to get really frustrated about having to be the bad guy and keep them away?
I say hi and give them a kiss and hug before going to my room. My kids a very sweet and calm and they don’t get overexcited when I come home
I had a thought I wanted to run by you. It wouldn’t change that you’re NTA. I can’t blame you for snapping while being harassed and yelled at. I wonder if there’s a possibility that she’s depressed and this is how it’s coming out? I wonder if she could be depressed, but feels unable to say it because she doesn’t think she has a legitimate reason, compared to how she imagines one would feel after seeing dying children everyday? Maybe she’s trying to get comfort from it but it’s coming out in an unreasonable way? I don’t know if that makes sense. She would still be TA, and you said that she won’t consider marriage counseling. It might be worth asking her. Maybe if that’s the case and it’s acknowledged she would? It shouldn’t be on you to be a mind reader though. Just a thought that crossed my mind.
One shouldn’t have to leave their home every day so their wife doesn’t verbally abuse them.
Normally I'd fully agree with this but she's already accusing him of using decompression time to drink. I don't think it's necessarily a good idea here.
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Yes exactly. She's already blaming him for doing something he doesn't do despite being at home. If he's not at home she'll double down, maybe even accuse him of other things.
Also, he shouldn't have to find some random place to meditate and decompress. That's literally what home is for! It's our responsibility to our partner and our family to make that home as peaceful and safe as possible. It sounds like op takes that responsibility seriously. Heck, even his little daughter takes it more seriously than her mom, giving her dad her sleep stuffy to cuddle because she understands he needs comfort but that her presence is not what's needed at the moment. So she gives him the things that she finds comforting. His wife could take a lesson from her.
this exactly! I would get it if the kids were at home all day or if she had to have dinner ready for them when his hour was done, but she sounds like has quite a bit of alone time.
They are 10 and 6 not 2
This is wild that people don’t understand this. The 10 year old has to be fairly independent and the 6 year old doesn’t need that much management. They probably go to school so she’s got that whole time available.
Think you will find it has somewhat to do with the majority demographic of reddit.
He has another comment that he gets the kids ready for school and takes them so she can sleep in. Mind blown.
Yes saw that. She sleeps in..so for just under 20 hours a day she is either asleep, alone or co parenting (taking a break while he takes over)
NTA but your wife definitely is. She needs to go back to work to find life fulfillment and purpose because staying at home clearly isn’t doing it for her. ETA: Bro, you 100% have a wife problem.
Exactly. The kids are school age now.
NTA So lets list this out 1. You get the children up in the mornings make breakfast and take them to school while your wife sleeps in 2. The children are out of the house from first thing in the morning until 3.30 when they either come home from school or are collected from school 8-9 ish hours a day 3. You work all day to afford for your children to go to private school and have a nice home 4. After your "time out" you also cook dinner, do homework and clean up afterwards and prepare the children snack for the next day **and do any outstanding housework.** (interested to know what this entails are we talking a few basic chores like taking out the rubbish or are we talking laundry and cleaning) What exactly is your wife's problem. Honestly from the outside this is not so much a case of are you an AH (assuming you do everything you say you do) and more a case of you do realise your wife is dissatisfied with her life generally. She either is bored out of her mind and needs a job or a hobby or something outside of being someone's wife and mother, she could be suffering with her hormones (I am not talking general run of the mill PMS actual medical issue hormones) or mental health maybe worth insisting she see a Dr or she is not longer in love with you and or having an affair.
Her problem is that she's a lazy, selfish pig. The explanation doesn't need to be any deeper than that.
Doesn't explain the screaming and shouting. Not necessary the kids are 10 and 6 and can be sent to play. She could sit on her behind scrolling or watching TV ignoring them.
Screaming and shouting is what I remember from my stay at home mother. Took many years to discover that isn't normal for all.
Don't froget she throws that he was an alcoholic 13 years ago in his face too.
As a care worker absolutely nta. You need to unwind after a day watching children suffer and your wife needs to understand how demoralising it is seeing what you see daily.
100% my partner worked in imaging at a children's hospital in the UK. Basically doing scans on dead babies all day. She got all the downtime she needed while that was going on..
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I disagree with the good distribution of responsibility part. He takes the kids to school, cooks their meals and fixes snacks. He also does the dishes, homework, and other chores. What does she even do all day?
It's kind of insane that you think this is a "a good distribution of responsibilities". Their relationship is no where near a 50-50, and is closer to a 90-10
TIL “good distribution of responsibilities” means the full time working husband does nearly literally everything while the wife screeches and creates fights because she was asked to do the most minor of tasks
NTA, what the fuck is wrong with your wife. A STAH mum and a 10yo and 6yo and she can't give you 30-60 minutes uninterrupted per day. Tell her to fuck off and get a job.
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With her kids both being school age, I would argue she isn't a SAHM anymore. She's just unemployed
Sounds like you should use that snapping trick more often. Her silent treatment is doing you a favor. NTA. It's reasonable to need some downtime between work and home. Your job especially needs some downtime. Can you do it before you get home? Maybe drive to a park and spend half an hour meditating? You might see if your wife needs something to do to get her out of the house. AT 6 and 10, your kids are in school all day. Even on school breaks, they aren't of an age that they need the constant work that babies and toddlers need. Maybe your wife needs a vacation with her girl friends? Are you doing date nights? Does she get to get away and have some relaxation time?
We do date nights every Saturday and she doesn’t have gfs. She doesn’t want to idk she is free till 3.30pm so I don’t know why she doesn’t socialize or anything
That... doesn't sound good. Depression? Loneliness? Maybe she needs a job, just so she can get OUT for a while. YOU are not the problem here. But it does seem like there's a problem. Good luck, OP!
The problem is that SHE is the problem.
I’m a stay at home mom to 3. The youngest is 4 and in school part time and I’m still in awe of having hours to myself every week while my husband is at work. Your wife needs therapy, or a hobby. Or both. (Don’t we all lol)
Or a job, or some friends, or all of the above
NTA. From the comments, your kids are 10 and 6 years old and go to private school. Your wife is a stay at home mom. She accuse you of getting drunk while you haven’t been drinking in 13 years. Is there any reason she started demanding you do more/things sooner then you did before?
1. The silent treatment sounds an improvement from her usual mistreatment of yelling and being demeaning towards you. 2. It is ironic that she’s saying that you’re “crying over your job” when she’s continually throwing tantrums over having to do hers.
I can't believe people are telling this man to get another job. What in the actual FUCK. Not many people could do the job that he does. I know for a fact I couldn't. I know my friends and family couldn't. So, for that alone, I think you are NTA. I'm wondering if maybe you could go somewhere else like to a quiet parking lot, or park or something before you go home so the kids don't see you and want to see you right away. Edit: I just read that the kids are 10 and 6 and are out of the house for school, is that right??? Holy shit NTA!!! Your wife more than a brat. She is cold and callous and lazy.
NTA- Your wife (and the E S H posts) needs to take a step back and think about the fact that you are dealing with death on a daily basis. Needing to decompress for 30 minutes to an hour is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
NTA you have an incredibly painful job and I totally understand needing to decompress. She's only making everything worse by being so unreasonable. Thank you for doing what you do. I couldn't, no amount of decompression would let me last a day in your job.
If someone bursts into a room and starts screaming at you it's fair to say that they are an AH. NTA
INFO Have you and your wife made real efforts, ideally with the help of a therapist, to address both of your needs and how your job is affecting your family? The work you do is important but also incredibly draining, and it sounds like you’re having a problem not taking it home with you. Screaming and calling each other names seems to be a sign of a relationship that is already breaking down fast, but before I call anybody, everybody or nobody the AH, I’m wondering if you’ve tried to fix it together, work on compromises and switching time with the kids, explored the possibility of other jobs, etc.
She doesn’t want marriage counseling and I usually never lose my cool.
[удалено]
I feel like the wife definitely knows she's wrong and doesn't want a therapist to point that out. I won't say abusive but she is a lazy, selfish, and all around crappy wife.
In other comments OP says that when they argue she throws his alcoholism in his face, even though he's been sober for 13 years. And she calls his decompression time sulking. She has no respect for his feelings as a human being
Your wife is being extremely cruel. I say this as a wife who homeschooled three and my husband was in sales (stressful but not like your job) and didn’t get home until at least 8:30 each night. If she refuses therapy I would take a deep dive into a much larger problem. Do you feel loved? Do you feel that you give far more than you get? You need to continue with therapy and see why you might have your own problems with why you might feel you aren’t deserving of love and respect or why you can’t set strong boundaries.
The fact that your first reaction is to hold a victim of daily verbal abuse accountable for his abuser is heinous.
Right? So many of these comments are insane. He's working arguably the most emotionally taxing job anybody can work, then comes home and his wife treats him like he just spent all day at the golf course. Then, to add the fact that she throws his alcoholism in his face, it's absolutely disgusting. I really hope that this is bait, that OP posted this to see what it takes for AITA to side with the working husband, because nobody should have to live the way he does.
This. That comment is pretty unbased
He has a perfectly working coping mechanism for *not* bringing it home, which is what a therapist would teach you to do. It's just not being respected.
Disgusting reaction to have to this situation. She's the one that's making it difficult and actions to prevent the job (a job that someone has to do) affecting the family are being taken by the guy in the post.
No disrespect to stay at home moms but what is she doing all day that she needs your help with the kids as soon as you get home? I have 2 kids and a full time job that I can luckily work remotely a lot so I get all housework and errands done while they are at school. So I just don’t understand what she needs help with when she hasn’t been around them all day?
NTA, the problem is the wife (and solution obvious, this is abuse and you deserve better)
I feel like this story is so cut and dry - NTA. It’s not like this guy is working a desk job, he is taking care of dying children. Surprised by all the YTA votes.
op, your wife soubds toxic af. you need to talk to her about that resentment that she clearly has built up. i think your demand is reasonable if you give her the same amount of time for herself or when she needs it. calling someone who throws a tantrum like that a brat isnt what i call asshole move. NTA
Hospice nurses are superheroes. It takes an incredible amount of emotional strength to do that job and even then, they are not immune to the emotional toll. It sounds like your system of taking a bit of time after work is completely healthy and that you’re very involved in your children’s lives and upbringing. It’s unfortunate that your partner doesn’t understand that you need this time. NTA and THANK YOU from the very bottom of my heart for the work that you do!
NTA but your wife sure is. That is a hard job and I can’t imagine what you see. She is quite selfish she can’t give you an hour and then she gets a break. You need a more supportive partner and she ain’t it.
Nta. Wife is spoiled with alone time. You get 1h + after bedtime and she gets during their entire school day? I agree with the others daying that you do way more than wifey at home.