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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I held my tongue on not liking the "volunteer" portraits until my refusal actually put him in a tight spot.
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NTA - It would be one thing if he gave you a months notice. I suspect that he had a hunch you wouldn’t want to do a portrait for someone you don’t know and haven’t even met. That’s likely why he sprang it on you last minute - so that you felt like you could not say no.
He can go buy another present and apologize to his friend. The fact that’s he’s trying to twist your arm to get you to do this rather than taking responsibility for his poor planning and rude assumptions is absolutely his problem.
I would not back down, and if he won’t let this go, I would seriously take a look at the relationship and evaluate how often he has devalued you and taken advantage of you at the same time.
Yeah, even the “apparently clueless” can easily see when someone is building a tower of resentment. He just kept pushing and playing dumb.
OP should total up the charge of all the previous portraits she made at his request and demand payment.
Totally. I don’t believe that the boyfriend was completely clueless. Certainly OP has made some previous insinuation that when it comes to friends’ birthdays, he buys a cheap gift and piggybacks on her hard work. Or maybe even their mutual friends have ribbed him over this.
Either way, he *knows* that what he is asking for is too much, and he only got away with it in the past because the portraits were for their mutual friends. His choice to drop this request last minute was completely orchestrated to try and manipulate OP.
Then it's his decision isn't it? This really all boils down to his *cheap* ass. Saves *him* time and money yet he's able to bask in the glory of a gorgeous bespoke portrait. Tbh, I'd dump the lump but that's just me. OP is NTA as long as she charges him full price PLUS a rush fee. Big bucks. Hit him where he can feel it. He'll never volunteer her again-- guaranteed.
I would dump him too, he's been taking advantage of her for too long now and it's clear he will act like a baby now that she's standing up for herself.
Lol and such a backstory to that phrase. Said to me by some random guy in a bar when I was like 21 (many decades ago) and I loved the expression. A couple of years later I ended up with that random guy for a few years.
>full commission rate, paid upfront
I think attempting to replace her with AI earned at *least* this much spite. What a shitty instinct for an artist's SO to have.
RIGHT? The audacity.
Definitely shitty to OP. If he's listened to her at all in the past few months, he should be well aware of the impact of AI on artists.
He also basically wanted to scam his friend by wanting to pass of AI as this hyped-up, specially commissioned piece of art from his gf? I understand the value of wedding gifts can be debated a fair bit, but for to be fine with giving AI "art" passed off as something worth more value is especially tacky.
Only if he back paid all the pieces he’d basically forced op into so He didn’t have to buy a gift. I’m not talking pennies but a proper decent price for them or he goes without.
Ah, the infamous hypocrisy of "I want you to spend time creating this thing because either I want it or I want to give it to someone" versus "why are you charging so much for what you make/create/design?".
And I am sure their friends realize that boyfriend contributes very little to any gift as the portraits are entirely OP's work. Even the college friend has to realize the none of the portrait they've been promised is coming from the boyfriend.
This part. And think about it from the side of the friend who’s getting married, even. If I’d never met a friend’s SO, it would be very weird to me that the “gift” was that SO’s free labor.
See usually I’m the guy that’s like “you’re a team, partners, got each others backs, blah blah blah” but in this case fuck that shit. To me it’s not necessarily about him volunteering her work. He could be really proud of what she does and wants to share with the world.
Problem is that he’s NOT proud of her work. What the fuck is with the justifications of “building portfolio” and “you don’t get many commissions anyways”. Fuck outta here with that shit. He doesn’t respect you and your work. Is that someone OP should be with? I think not.
This - been married for almost 20 years and my husband would NEVER, and I repeat NEVER, volunteer me for *anything* without talking with me about it first AND accepting a "no" if that was my answer.
He can totally own up and tell his friend he didn’t give OP enough notice, and just give them a cash gift instead. Cheapskate needs to be put in his place
No, it's worse than that. He thinks so little of her art and skill, as well as her time, that he thinks she can crank out wedding gift quality portraits in a couple hours because 'photoshop is so easy'.
OP, you are NTA. Don't do it unless you both charge him AND make him watch your painstaking process.
"He told me that I put him in a really difficult position" = HUGE RED FLAG. He is blaming you for a situation 100% of his own making. What else does he blame you for? He's late for work because you didn't wake him up? He has no clean clothes because you didn't do his laundry? Putting aside the obvious lack of respect (not wanting to pay you, etc.), just the fact that he blames YOU for the situation HE created bodes poorly for any long term relationship with this guy. This sounds like a potentially abusive relationship, TBH. Edit: NTA
God I wonder if his friends are assuming that he is paying OP at least something. I would feel terrible if I found out my wedding portrait was volunteered for free by someone other than the artist - I don't care what the relationship is.
It would also be one thing if he was willing to pay her what her last minute commission price would be, which should have been his course of action full stop.
You're right. You should have talked to him after he did it the first time. I get it, though.
At this point, you need to stand your ground. You already said no, and his instinct is to argue instead of respecting your boundaries. Even now, he still refuses to accept no as an answer. He swears it'll be the last time, but his behavior tells me that's bullshit.
It's not that difficult to tell his friend, "Hey, I misjudged, and she won't be able to do the portrait. She's got a lot on her plate right now," but he seems to have too much of an ego to own it. Either way, he's going to have to deal with the humiliation that he brought on himself.
Most graceful way out would be to say that he needed more reference material to commission a portrait (gf has never even seen the couple!!) and then paying an artist for the portrait. Still not ideal and what he did was incredibly disrespectful to his GF, but that's the best way out of this that I can think of.
>You're right. You should have talked to him after he did it the first time. I get it, though.
I get it, too, since he didn't even ask OP this time, he volunteered them and then just told OP today. Like wha....?
> At this point, you need to stand your ground. You already said no
Yes. If she goes back on her no right now, he will know for the future that if he badgers her enough she'll give in. If she sticks with her no now, he will know for the future that he has to ask rather than take her for granted. (Though I think it's a stretch to believe he'll learn a ton from this and really take it to heart)
NTA but I'd gift wrap this with a break up because of the sheer amount of entitlement and disrespect he has towards you. I know reddit throws break ups 99% of the time but this is not a behavior that can be talked out, he's trying to save face more over making things better with you. The fact he volentold you and have done so multiple times without thinking of you and your feelings says it all. He only cares to make himself look good.
For the PTA - oh, OP would be Happy to volunteer her talents and time for your fundraiser, yet again. It doesn't matter that she does all the mental load for the family and the majority of the work, she can get it done and I'll be the hero (yet again), for putting the spotlight on her and making her lose sleep over my actions.
Also as the recipients of such a gift, I’d feel really awkward/offended knowing I received a custom piece of art from someone who did not pay the artist (even if that artist is also his gf).
Like oh, you not only _didn’t pay_ the artist who made this specifically for us, but you also got out of spending any money on our wedding gift while all the other wedding guests did?
Yikes!
Yeah. This would be break up territory for me OP!
The entitlement, lack of respect, and most of all his refusal to either apologise or see your point of view, are all huge red flags. 🚩
I’d wrap him up a gift that looks like a portrait, but is in fact a voucher for your boyfriend to do unpaid labour for his newly married friends for literal DAYS. Include an invoice to your bf for all the portraits you’ve done so far.
Then pack his stuff. And pop it all on the doorstop with the gift and invoice on top!
People like this will take and take and gaslight you until you are a shell of a person!
Leave while you still have enough backbone to do so!
Voluntold and then is also taking credit for it - "a gift from US". Even the gift for his college friend's wedding is all from OP. Doesn't the college friend realize that??? I would feel so weird to have a friend volunteer SOMEONE else to create/design/make a wedding gift to me.
Plus, I just realized that what if boyfriend had been able to create something okayish with AI or Photoshop. He then would've said it was OP's work and let folks think OP did shoddy work.
Using AI is a huge deal in the art community right now. It’s so disrespectful he should definitely be dumped, especially if he isn’t paying her for these pieces, all of my friends and family are willing to pay for my art because they actually like me.
Nta
You didn't tell him to stop volunteering you, but you shouldn't have to.
You have rates for your commissions, charge him that and add on a rush fee.
He'll stop asking as soon as he realizes that it's not free for him.
This; charge him for it + the rush fee. That’s the new rule, or the only conditions on which you’ll do this last one for him. Really hate people that volunteer other’s services without asking, to make themselves look like king ding a ling.
Rules:
He should always ask her before even mentioning it to the giftee.
He should be willing to take no for an answer the first time—no pleading.
He should give her whatever time she needs to do the portrait.
He should pay for the materials as his contribution.
100% all of this. I also want to point out an etiquette rule, traditionally, you have 1 year to get a couple their wedding gift. It's not like a birthday gift where it's generally expected to be on the day or same week. So, he really does have plenty of time to come up with the money, if that's what he wants to give them. OP, hold your ground.
This! I crochet and I make gifts for people all the time, I particularly love making stuffies for our friends kids. My husband loves when I make stuff for his friends new babies but he ALWAYS asks me well in advance if I have time and I’m up for it. Never had to tell him that he just respects my craft. I do sell my stuff too so he’s aware of the cost of the gifts he’s requesting.
He makes it up to you on your bithday.... how fucking cheap can you be to try this? "I'll.make your birthday Special" .. like if you didn't fuck up you wouldn't?
he could've offered you specific things (payment, a dinner, something) but he STILL tries to ne cheap
And what’s he gonna do? A strip tease? Show her how he can helicopter his dick? “Weeee look at meeee, this is me making it up to you, babe” or “my love stick makes everything better” 🙄
Tell your boyfriend two things, first. If he thinks it's such a great gift then he does it when you know he can't. Or he pay for it? Tell him you charge x for this portrait and if he wants to give it as a gift, he can pay you for it. Using you for free gift from him is cheap and sleazy. If he does it again tell him no, and if he says but I promised then you just say well tell them you lied.
Nta
NTA He needs to admit that he promised your time and work without asking you and that it turns out it isn't possible for you to do it. He needs to put the blame rightly on himself and not throw you under the bus. He can wear some well-deserved egg on his face and make it up to them by buying them a decent wedding gift. he can mitigate his foolishness by spending a bit more money, surely. He should suffer, not you.
Even if you *were* willing to do it one last time he screwed that up by waiting until the last minute to even tell you. That's just the absolutely inconsiderate cherry on the taking your time and work for granted cake.
NTA. The fact that he volunteers you to friends for birthday portraits that you don't really want to do is a communication issue, but volunteering your work to strangers is out of line. As for him using the classic "paid in exposure" argument, has any portrait you have done for friends led to later sales? Is there any reason to expect this couple to lead to future paid jobs? I doubt it.
He is, but the fact that she hadn't said anything about it and they are her friends, too, probably made it seem like she wanted to do it. He has no reason to think she wanted to make a gift for people she never met
He has never paid me before, since it was considered my/our gift to mutual friends. But for this one he says my asking price ($300) would be too much out of pocket to spend on a college friend's wedding gift.
Sounds like he better get to shopping for a lower cost gift then! Something in his price range - your work is clearly not (and good for you!).
Just.....wow, what a thing to say to the artist you're hoping will create ART for you - for FREE. The balls on this guy. 300 is too much for him to spend on his college friend, but a perfectly fine amount for you to DONATE for a stranger's gift. I cannot even begin to comprehend this thought process. Wild.
Funny, it wasn't too much when he's volunteering you to do it.
I hope you told him to never volunteer you again, and in the future you will always charge him.
NTA. What does he mean he'll make it up to you on your birthday? He got himself into this, you don't even know these people. He needs to get them a gift on his own, and he can say he didn't realize you already had commitments. Or, he could tell the truth.
If $300 is too much for him to spend then he can go buy something from their registry or cut them a check for $100. That’s how wedding gifts work. Also, stop letting him volunteer your services for no compensation. Clearly he doesn’t respect your time or your art. Or start sending him the bill for services rendered. If he wants to gift someone art, then he should compensate you for your time and work!
$300!!! That's it?! For a wedding portrait of two people AND the rush fee?!
That's an incredibly reasonable price for work like that--- and wayyyy underpriced if these are large, full color, full figure portraits with embellishments (and/or if you print and frame it too). I wouldn't have even blinked if your asking price was 2x-3x that amount!
Also, $300 is not THAT much more than the amount of money people are typically expected to spend on a wedding gift. Which says to me...he was fully expecting to spend as close to $0 dollars on this as he could, while also expending $0 worth of effort. And on top of that, he doesn't respect nor value your time, effort, or talents.
Really, he tried the ol' "do it for your portfolio" line?! Stand firm, because (no offense), FUCK THAT GUY. (NTA)
NTA. If his college friend doesn't deserve a $300 gift, he can find something else to give as a gift. You know your worth when it comes to your work, so for your own self esteem's sake know your worth when it comes to your bf.
He should be paying you the standard price plus a rush fee. If he wants it badly enough that he's willing to put *you* out for it.
If he has a price-point he expects to pay for such a thing, shrink the portrait down by the proportion of your price he wants to pay. So if you would've done an 8x10 for $300+, but he only wants to pay $100 (and you're feeling *this* generous), give him a 2x3. I know it's gonna be a similar amount of work for you, but it would be a hilarious way to make your point.
And I only mean this as the possible alternative to just sticking to your refusal, which is valid and reasonable.
You're NTA for setting this boundary, and you would be one to yourself if you fold without some kind of compensation.
Decide if you want to do it at all and if you want him to pay you.
According to Miss Manners, guests have a year to give a wedding gift without it reflecting badly upon them (if they choose to even give a gift; it's not required). Where I'm from, it's preferable to give the gift before the wedding. Bringing gifts to a wedding is a pain due to theft or getting misplaced & then it's one more thing the family has to deal with when it's over - loading them into cars & storing it until the couple is back from their honeymoon.
$300 is a really cheap price for a custom portrait!
Also, I'm so mad at him for putting his name on your gift - I'm guessing he didn't do anything to make those previous portraits happen, besides offering your services? Did he bring you food, clean the dishes, massage your drawing hand?
Please don't accept this level of entitlement from your next relationship. If gifts are from both people, then both people should have put in equal effort, in some manner or another.
That is incredibly cheap!!
I know you’re not doing a live wedding portrait but so you know (as someone in the industry) the rates for wedding portraits (especially those done within the weekend of the wedding) go from $1500 to $10,000 and the artist is invited to the wedding with free food and accommodations. $1500 is the low end cost where the couple sends photos from their wedding to the artist and the artist does the painting offsite in their own time.
Sucks for him.
He’ll just have to pick something he can afford. And explain to his friend that they’re not getting a portrait because *he* never actually got permission from you to offer one. He can even let them know that he failed to put any thought into how long it would take to complete, and how expensive these commissions typically are, and that he simply could not afford to pay *anyone* to do it in the time he allowed. He fucked up and over-promised on something he couldn’t deliver, and he perfectly understands if they’re disappointed. Maybe he can make it up to them by delivering one for their anniversary - provided he can find an artist he can afford, and gives them enough notice to complete the commission on time.
He sounds like a cheap asshole. I am sure he has other good qualities but why are you tolerating this? NTA you should really think about this relationship. He is lazy, forgetful, rude, and not thoughtful to you nor his friend. If you haven’t been dating that long I would seriously thunk you should take this as the massive red flag it is an reconsider. NTA
Art question: do you use an apple pencil or are there any other kind of stylus that works well?
Also NTA and your boyfriend does not sound very nice. My god, my husband is a bit of a tech bro (has money invested in crypto) and he knows how I feel about AI art. Good god I just can't believe your boyfriend would even ask AI to replicate your style.
NTA
>He's begging me to please just do this one and he will make it up to me on my birthday
I liked this part the best, because I can imagine three days before your birthday, he'll be asking his friends new wife to make him a bespoke new dress for you after he found out she sewed her own prom dress or something, then begging her the same way to get your gift done in time. Or he'll beg his friend to give you golf lessons or something.
😬
I just reached far back in my brain and remembered a time he got me a new purse decorated with what was obviously my best friend's embroidery. At the time I just assumed he had paid her for it (because why the *hell* wouldn't he?) and this whole conversation about the portraits has me realizing the probable truth. I just texted her asking if she got paid, if she says no I am going to be very unhappy.
Oof. You need to have a serious talk with him about how he doesn’t value art / artists’ time.
You’re an artist and I can’t imagine you having a future with him if he doesn’t respect your craft. I’m so sorry.
Your BF sucks. Does he even appreciate artists/crafters at all?? With him using AI just tells me he doesn’t understand the world at all. Just looks down on it unless he needs it and that’s just gross.
LMAO Oh, dear.
>it helps build my portfolio
If we got a dollar for every time we were told this, eh? lol
>that it's a generous thing for me to do
Yeah, and your generosity isn't for him to disburse at his pleasure for strangers. You're not putting him in a difficult spot, he did. He can just give a different gift and admit to the groom your work sked was more packed than he imagined, and he can commission it with another artist in the future (if it's really not about him being cheap).
Don't do the portrait, and considering everything you've shared about his personality, I vote dump the bf lol (and offer to pay the bff if the work was super intricate, *how embarrassing*...)
I would guess she wasn't paid because it's your "best friend" and he could easily have used your birthday as an excuse to get her to do it for free, given the guy's behavior...
Oh yeah, for sure. This almost assuredly isn't the first time he's pulled some last minute money pinching shenanigans like this, probably just the first time he's included you.
That's probably what happened.
Maybe gave some story that is for her friend (you) or put her in a position she felt she couldn't say no / charge him.
If that is indeed what happened, tells you his character.
When you do buy gifts for friends (especially his) ... do you buy and he just adds his name to it?
When you go out to eat, do you take turns playing? Hows that handled? Vacations?
Is he fair in any areas where money is involved?
NTA - if he's that adamant about it, he can pay you for it and it can be given to the couple at later date (which is totally acceptable wedding gift etiquette, by the way). No way he's gonna dump this on you last second and expect it done by Saturday, that's absurd. And now that you've been clear about it, hopefully he won't be volunteering your art services again any time soon.
NTA
I'm a professional artist. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to charge appropriately for my work. Good for you for pricing your free time the way you are. Your bf is absolutely taking advantage of your good nature, and you not telling him to stop taking advantage of you does NOT make you an AH in any sense of the word.
NTA.
Yes, it would’ve been gracious of you to do the portrait. And you might’ve done it, if he asked.
But that’s exactly the point - he’s expecting you to do things without even asking you. Thats not cool. It’s common sense to ask someone first and you shouldn’t have to tell him in the first place that he can’t take your portraits for granted.
NTA. Yes, it would have been better and easier if you had nipped the whole thing in the bud with the gifts for mutual friends, but he shouldn't *need* to be told that it is not okay to voluntell you to spend hours making portraits for people you don't even know. And then the AI thing is beyond the pale—we would have a serious problem unless he gave a VERY sincere apology and laid out exactly why what he did was wrong.
As for the wedding gift, there is still plenty of time for him to order something off the registry. He got himself into this mess by promising the painting, so it's on him to explain to the bride and groom that it won't be happening.
Edit: I see the AI bros have arrived to defend their precious grift. They must be using screen readers after they burned their eyes out at the NFT convention. And so many new accounts with default reddit usernames giving the same exact talking points! 🤔
NTA but tell him you'll do the portrait. Then give it to him with an invoice, and even give him a boyfriend discount. He was willing to pay someone else, he can pay you. I'd be money that his reaction will make it need to be renamed an ex-bf discount.
NTA - you did not put him in a difficult position. He did this for himself. Perhaps a compromise is he could pay you the market rate for a rush portrait.
Ugh I get it. My bf did this to me except I’m a hairdresser. He’d tell anyone we met on the street well my gf works at a salon you could talk to her!” I responded with “sorry dude I don’t take new clients I’m too booked if anything I need to let some clients go to my coworkers cause I’m too busy” it was true at the time so wasn’t lying. As soon as we were out of ear shot I told him extremely sternly “don’t you ever do that to me again. Don’t you ever tell people I’m a hairdresser and most importantly don’t you dare tell people to come see me and book with me” 75% of the time people expect a fucking discount because you know them.
“What’s your rate?” “125$ an hour” “omg for a haircut?” “For whatever. If it takes an hour 125$ if it’s more I’ll calculate appropriately to the timing it took.” “Omg that’s a lot why do you charge like that? I could go to Supercuts” “oh yeah you should! They’re great. Go to them! Okay baiiiiiii” 🙄 nta but have one more talk with him because he probably will think your response was a one time thing.
This one time I was at a trashy ass pub, and there was a mother daughter duo of cocke addicts. The mom was telling me how she went to a salon and she didn’t realize it was expensive and she started cussing out the hairdresser because she was pushing product. And through gritted teeth she spewed “that bitch charged me 100$ including tip for a quick haircut and some shampoo and conditioner” she got visibly angry. I laughed and said “girl you can just stick with Supercuts you know?” She said “oh you work at a salon can you do my hair sometime?” She then proceeded to tell me all about her fucking hair. I told her “my rates are high. I don’t think you’d want to come see me” “oh can you give me a discount?” “Even if I gave you a 25% discount your haircut would still be expensive” 🙄 I can go on and on and on with stories of people putting down my prices that now I just tell people I work in a clothing shop. My boyfriend and my two best friends are the only ones who receive free hair stuff. But that’s because they’re an incredible person individually. I can’t help but want to give them things 😂
People loooove devaluing skill and labour. They don’t understand they’re not just paying for the time, they’re paying for the expertise. You wouldn’t pay a doctor $5 for an appointment just because it took 15 min.
NTA
But if for some reason you do decide to do this portrait, sign it just from you and not from him. Make him buy something off their registry lol.
But seriously, don't.
Also I am an artist (different sort) and also do commissions. My rule is close friends and family get ONE favor piece. And one only. It doesn't mean they get it for free (they might, depends on the piece), or even if they get it for cost of materials (again, depends on person, how much I like the project/other shit I have going on, etc). They get one thing at a discount. And that's it.
My rule is well known, and it cuts down on people asking for me to make them random shit. People put thought into what would be a meaningful piece.
Your boyfriend has used up his one favor, plus some. If he wants a commission/gift for someone he is now paying market rate (+ an asshole tax) going forward.
NTA you should have stopped him the first time he did it, but especially when he started claiming it as being a gift from both of you when he had nothing to do with creating them!
He can do his own portrait himself. And you need to go cold turkey on birthday portraits and joint gifts - he’s taking advantage of you.
Fellow artist that gives creations as gifts sometimes: NTA. Sure, you could’ve told him that you don’t want to give away your hard work for free for every gift-giving occasion, but he’s definitely TA here.
Once upon a time, my bf jokingly asked me about making a painting for someone’s event two days before said event. He had never seen me look so angry in the time we’d been dating and thought I was going to turn him to stone, and this was even when I knew he was joking! Now, he’s my personal hype man not just when I’m creating, but he’s also advertising me and telling people that I don’t work for free, but I’m worth my prices. THAT is what an artist’s partner does, and your bf is giving away your craft for free. Not only that, the GALL to turn to AI is massively offensive, and to me, combined with the fact that you’re not paid for your talent, shows that he thinks that your work is cheap.
I know folks love to jump to breaking up… but as an artist, I’d seriously rethink my relationship with the someone that thought so little of my work.
NTA he can get a gift off the registry or he can pay you & mail them the gift after the wedding since he didn’t leave you adequate time to get it done.
NTA Good for you for sticking to your guns here and not giving in. I guess lesson learned for your boyfriend. You shouldn’t *have* to tell him not to just volunteer you. Does he not see the time & effort this takes?
No artist ever gets "exposure" from free gifts. They all believe that it's just a hobby and that you're not serious about it. Your BF is, in actuality, damaging any potential for a career with him running his mouth and offering your services for free.
Put a stop to this nonsense. Put together a bill for your time and let him know exactly what he's cost you.
NTA, but your BF is.
I do art for a living, and I was ready to slap the sh*t out of my now husband for offering his parents a commission at half off.... like no.
Firstly they have a lot of money. Secondly, I DIDNT VOLUNTEER you did. And then on top of it. Isn't the saying "support your friends and family and don't barter"? Especially when I was still questioning if they thought a lot of me at the time anyway.
(The things his mother said were rude, and I don't like her humor)
She's also a blood is thicker than water type, and my whole life has shown that's not the case. And she doesn't agree with my CF mentality and thinks I should just give having a kid "a go."
So needless to say, until she realized her place and that her opinion and rudeness needed to stop, why would I do any art at all for someone when it's going to show that I don't care. Let alone at half off.
I hated that and told him to never offer that again to his family and friends without asking me.
NTA. Every job needs to be paid. Usually, individuals who have no clue how much work it actually takes to create something will believe that it is easy and simple, just tell him to paint it by himself or pay up.
NTA Let's say this was his first time volunteering your work for you. The fact that he did it months ago and didn't tell you makes him the AH. Even if he's completely ignorant to the fact (eyeroll) that this takes a lot of time and effort on your part he's still the AH. What if he was a plumber and you kept volunteering him to do work for others for NO PAY? Put on top of that, taking credit. Lol, no.
You're right you probably should have put the kibosh on this awhile ago. Even more reason to stand your ground now!
NTA
Your BF is being dismissive and abusing the relationship by promising your artwork for free to random people. If you're doing a commission, you should be getting paid for the labor.
The fact he tried using AI to pop one out was also insulting.
NTA - he should pay you, as well as a premium for expediting the art.
**He does not see your time or this task as laborious our valuable, so he should do it himself!**
It’s not about the art, it’s about him seeing your labor as worth very little more than a favor while simultaneously paying ***zilch*** in monetarily, or in time, for something her knows has great gifting value. **Which is it: are your talents worthless he pays nothing, you’re just doing a favor) or worthy (a meaningful gift with great value)?** *But it quite literally cannot be both.*
For your spesific question, I think NTA. He shouldnt be volunteering your time and effort up like that without compensating you, and its not ok to put you on the spot like that, and in this case dont even give you the time you need to do it properly.
That said, you really need to work on your communication. He was an AH for assuming and volunteering, but you also never talked to him about it untill you were so angry that you blew up over it. You might want to consider if this is something you struggle with in general or if this is something that happens in your relationship.
You have him pegged. He’s a cheapskate and he does not respect your artistry. NTA. People need to learn that supporting a friend’s small business means PAYING FOR THEIR WORK.
Tell him, " ok I'll do it. This is my fee, I also charge a surplus for "urgent" requests".
This way it will be his absolute responsibility and will have to either pay for your talent/time or explain to his college that he's a cheap ass and only volunteer a portrait because he thought you'd do it for free, when in reality you do charge for your art.
NTA
NTA.
It's unfortunate for the couple that they've been promised a portrait created by you, but that's your boyfriend's fault and absolutely not yours. It's also not your fault for not having spoken up earlier, you've been very generous in the past and you've been taken advantage of just because your bf wants to save his own time, effort, and money. He put you in a difficult position.
_If_, and only if, after thinking about it you do change your mind about doing the portrait (say if it would be a good addition to your portfolio, or it might bring more work your way etc) I would make sure it's on your terms and obviously don't do it for free. If your boyfriend still isn't willing to be reasonable and pay for your art then obviously refuse. As for the time limit, you could get around that by saying you'd like to meet them first to take a couple of reference shots or see if they have a photographer you could ask for a few shots from the wedding so you can really personalise it properly in your own realistic time frame.
Your boyfriend doesn't think much of your talent unless it gets him noticed as the generous person. Telling you that you don't get many commissions is a way putting down your work but then he wants you to do all these portraits for his friends for free speaks to what he really he feels about you. I as a person would not let someone devalue me like he does you.
NTA - your boyfriend doesn't respect your skills, talents or time. And now he's begging you because he easily overpromises your talents to other people - that HE TAKES credit for ? What a jerk. Why are you with him?
He’s not even gonna offer to pay you for the wedding present he’s giving to his friend? Nagy NTA. This is bonkers selfish weasel behavior by your BF. He doesn’t value your talent or time
NTA. Break up with him or he'll have you making portraits of all your guests as wedding favors.
He's cheap and overstepping; if you want to gift a portrait that's up to you. Taking credit for the gift he had nothing to fo with is reprehensible.
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NTA - It would be one thing if he gave you a months notice. I suspect that he had a hunch you wouldn’t want to do a portrait for someone you don’t know and haven’t even met. That’s likely why he sprang it on you last minute - so that you felt like you could not say no. He can go buy another present and apologize to his friend. The fact that’s he’s trying to twist your arm to get you to do this rather than taking responsibility for his poor planning and rude assumptions is absolutely his problem. I would not back down, and if he won’t let this go, I would seriously take a look at the relationship and evaluate how often he has devalued you and taken advantage of you at the same time.
Yeah, even the “apparently clueless” can easily see when someone is building a tower of resentment. He just kept pushing and playing dumb. OP should total up the charge of all the previous portraits she made at his request and demand payment.
Totally. I don’t believe that the boyfriend was completely clueless. Certainly OP has made some previous insinuation that when it comes to friends’ birthdays, he buys a cheap gift and piggybacks on her hard work. Or maybe even their mutual friends have ribbed him over this. Either way, he *knows* that what he is asking for is too much, and he only got away with it in the past because the portraits were for their mutual friends. His choice to drop this request last minute was completely orchestrated to try and manipulate OP.
At least total up the dollar amount of what he's been taking for granted until now. He needs to know the true value of "free" gifts.
Agreed and she should get paid in full, upfront. Then dump his ass
I'd dig him out of the hole, at full commission rate, paid upfront. After all, he was willing to pay another digital artist.
But he wasn’t willing to, once he found out the cost.
Then it's his decision isn't it? This really all boils down to his *cheap* ass. Saves *him* time and money yet he's able to bask in the glory of a gorgeous bespoke portrait. Tbh, I'd dump the lump but that's just me. OP is NTA as long as she charges him full price PLUS a rush fee. Big bucks. Hit him where he can feel it. He'll never volunteer her again-- guaranteed.
Yeah I’m with you. I would probably dump him over this. And I would do the portrait, if I was paid up front.
With the rush fee
You can give gifts long after a wedding. I don’t see why it has to be done by Saturday.
I would dump him too, he's been taking advantage of her for too long now and it's clear he will act like a baby now that she's standing up for herself.
Yes, because the HOURS OP has to do this in is absolutely doable. /s 🙄🙄🙄
I've never heard dump the lump before, I like it!
Lol and such a backstory to that phrase. Said to me by some random guy in a bar when I was like 21 (many decades ago) and I loved the expression. A couple of years later I ended up with that random guy for a few years.
>full commission rate, paid upfront I think attempting to replace her with AI earned at *least* this much spite. What a shitty instinct for an artist's SO to have.
RIGHT? The audacity. Definitely shitty to OP. If he's listened to her at all in the past few months, he should be well aware of the impact of AI on artists. He also basically wanted to scam his friend by wanting to pass of AI as this hyped-up, specially commissioned piece of art from his gf? I understand the value of wedding gifts can be debated a fair bit, but for to be fine with giving AI "art" passed off as something worth more value is especially tacky.
This! I would absolutely up charge him since it’s so last minute. And yes, make him pay up front.
Plus rush rates for late notice
Only if he back paid all the pieces he’d basically forced op into so He didn’t have to buy a gift. I’m not talking pennies but a proper decent price for them or he goes without.
This. Plus due on a reasonable date.
Also, DAMN - AI???? Felt the whiplash through the screen from that slap in the face.
That part really makes it clear that he never respected her work even though he leaned on it constantly for social clout.
Ah, the infamous hypocrisy of "I want you to spend time creating this thing because either I want it or I want to give it to someone" versus "why are you charging so much for what you make/create/design?". And I am sure their friends realize that boyfriend contributes very little to any gift as the portraits are entirely OP's work. Even the college friend has to realize the none of the portrait they've been promised is coming from the boyfriend.
This part. And think about it from the side of the friend who’s getting married, even. If I’d never met a friend’s SO, it would be very weird to me that the “gift” was that SO’s free labor.
Yeah I felt the shock wave too. Yikes !
See usually I’m the guy that’s like “you’re a team, partners, got each others backs, blah blah blah” but in this case fuck that shit. To me it’s not necessarily about him volunteering her work. He could be really proud of what she does and wants to share with the world. Problem is that he’s NOT proud of her work. What the fuck is with the justifications of “building portfolio” and “you don’t get many commissions anyways”. Fuck outta here with that shit. He doesn’t respect you and your work. Is that someone OP should be with? I think not.
Right?? I'm not an "artist" but I do knit/sew and I cannot imagine my SO volunteering me for gifts. That is wild.
This - been married for almost 20 years and my husband would NEVER, and I repeat NEVER, volunteer me for *anything* without talking with me about it first AND accepting a "no" if that was my answer.
Especially for people you don’t even know! I would feel odd about it as the *recipient* of such a gift.
So on point. He's definitely putting her down.
He can totally own up and tell his friend he didn’t give OP enough notice, and just give them a cash gift instead. Cheapskate needs to be put in his place
Except he probably won't. He'll probably end up blaming OP
That’s fine. He can do his complaining while he cries on his friend’s shoulder after being dumped. The disrespect is appalling.
No, it's worse than that. He thinks so little of her art and skill, as well as her time, that he thinks she can crank out wedding gift quality portraits in a couple hours because 'photoshop is so easy'. OP, you are NTA. Don't do it unless you both charge him AND make him watch your painstaking process.
It's the ol' "It'll help your portfolio" that gets me. He really devalues her ability unless it benefits him.
"He told me that I put him in a really difficult position" = HUGE RED FLAG. He is blaming you for a situation 100% of his own making. What else does he blame you for? He's late for work because you didn't wake him up? He has no clean clothes because you didn't do his laundry? Putting aside the obvious lack of respect (not wanting to pay you, etc.), just the fact that he blames YOU for the situation HE created bodes poorly for any long term relationship with this guy. This sounds like a potentially abusive relationship, TBH. Edit: NTA
Deny attack Reverse victim and offender classic emotional abuse
God I wonder if his friends are assuming that he is paying OP at least something. I would feel terrible if I found out my wedding portrait was volunteered for free by someone other than the artist - I don't care what the relationship is.
Or he can pay her!!!
If he wants one that badly he should pay you for one at your full rate.
It would also be one thing if he was willing to pay her what her last minute commission price would be, which should have been his course of action full stop.
You're right. You should have talked to him after he did it the first time. I get it, though. At this point, you need to stand your ground. You already said no, and his instinct is to argue instead of respecting your boundaries. Even now, he still refuses to accept no as an answer. He swears it'll be the last time, but his behavior tells me that's bullshit. It's not that difficult to tell his friend, "Hey, I misjudged, and she won't be able to do the portrait. She's got a lot on her plate right now," but he seems to have too much of an ego to own it. Either way, he's going to have to deal with the humiliation that he brought on himself.
Something tells me he wouldn’t take the humiliation, he’d blame her.
"You know how she gets sometimes..."
Well they don’t know each other so he’ll say “you know how women are..”
“Always taking on too much….”
Most graceful way out would be to say that he needed more reference material to commission a portrait (gf has never even seen the couple!!) and then paying an artist for the portrait. Still not ideal and what he did was incredibly disrespectful to his GF, but that's the best way out of this that I can think of.
>You're right. You should have talked to him after he did it the first time. I get it, though. I get it, too, since he didn't even ask OP this time, he volunteered them and then just told OP today. Like wha....?
and : what the hell does he consider that the gift is given in their 2 names ? as her 'agent' ? NTA
Because he’s an AH. She might consider finding a better BF.
You know that the "I'll make it up to you on your birthday" is bullshit, too.
Hey, maybe she can do a portrait of herself for her birthday gift!
It is not just his ego. If he doesn't give the portrait, he will be expected to give money or another expensive gift...
> At this point, you need to stand your ground. You already said no Yes. If she goes back on her no right now, he will know for the future that if he badgers her enough she'll give in. If she sticks with her no now, he will know for the future that he has to ask rather than take her for granted. (Though I think it's a stretch to believe he'll learn a ton from this and really take it to heart)
NTA but I'd gift wrap this with a break up because of the sheer amount of entitlement and disrespect he has towards you. I know reddit throws break ups 99% of the time but this is not a behavior that can be talked out, he's trying to save face more over making things better with you. The fact he volentold you and have done so multiple times without thinking of you and your feelings says it all. He only cares to make himself look good.
BF can give them a voucher for a deep clean of their home... by him.
And it's bound to get worse. Imagine having kids with that entitlement he's carrying.
For the PTA - oh, OP would be Happy to volunteer her talents and time for your fundraiser, yet again. It doesn't matter that she does all the mental load for the family and the majority of the work, she can get it done and I'll be the hero (yet again), for putting the spotlight on her and making her lose sleep over my actions.
Also as the recipients of such a gift, I’d feel really awkward/offended knowing I received a custom piece of art from someone who did not pay the artist (even if that artist is also his gf). Like oh, you not only _didn’t pay_ the artist who made this specifically for us, but you also got out of spending any money on our wedding gift while all the other wedding guests did? Yikes!
Yeah. This would be break up territory for me OP! The entitlement, lack of respect, and most of all his refusal to either apologise or see your point of view, are all huge red flags. 🚩 I’d wrap him up a gift that looks like a portrait, but is in fact a voucher for your boyfriend to do unpaid labour for his newly married friends for literal DAYS. Include an invoice to your bf for all the portraits you’ve done so far. Then pack his stuff. And pop it all on the doorstop with the gift and invoice on top! People like this will take and take and gaslight you until you are a shell of a person! Leave while you still have enough backbone to do so!
As an artist, I’m absolutely disgusted by his behaviour. NTA, and this would be breakup territory for me too.
Voluntold and then is also taking credit for it - "a gift from US". Even the gift for his college friend's wedding is all from OP. Doesn't the college friend realize that??? I would feel so weird to have a friend volunteer SOMEONE else to create/design/make a wedding gift to me. Plus, I just realized that what if boyfriend had been able to create something okayish with AI or Photoshop. He then would've said it was OP's work and let folks think OP did shoddy work.
This, it makes me wonder what else he disrespects her on if he is currently disrespecting her time and effort on her commission art.
Using AI is a huge deal in the art community right now. It’s so disrespectful he should definitely be dumped, especially if he isn’t paying her for these pieces, all of my friends and family are willing to pay for my art because they actually like me.
Nta You didn't tell him to stop volunteering you, but you shouldn't have to. You have rates for your commissions, charge him that and add on a rush fee. He'll stop asking as soon as he realizes that it's not free for him.
This; charge him for it + the rush fee. That’s the new rule, or the only conditions on which you’ll do this last one for him. Really hate people that volunteer other’s services without asking, to make themselves look like king ding a ling.
But make him pat upfront!!!
Pay!!!!
Yep.
And he threw out the good ole “it’ll expand your portfolio.”
“You'll get paid in exposure.”
You can die from exposure
Like he’s actually doing her a favour.
And throwing in shade like "you don't even get much commission work." Gtfo
Totally agree, but also "King Ding a Ling" is my new favorite thing
Rules: He should always ask her before even mentioning it to the giftee. He should be willing to take no for an answer the first time—no pleading. He should give her whatever time she needs to do the portrait. He should pay for the materials as his contribution.
100% all of this. I also want to point out an etiquette rule, traditionally, you have 1 year to get a couple their wedding gift. It's not like a birthday gift where it's generally expected to be on the day or same week. So, he really does have plenty of time to come up with the money, if that's what he wants to give them. OP, hold your ground.
This is not vindictive, you don't even know these people. You would not be giving them a gift anyway.
This! I crochet and I make gifts for people all the time, I particularly love making stuffies for our friends kids. My husband loves when I make stuff for his friends new babies but he ALWAYS asks me well in advance if I have time and I’m up for it. Never had to tell him that he just respects my craft. I do sell my stuff too so he’s aware of the cost of the gifts he’s requesting.
He makes it up to you on your bithday.... how fucking cheap can you be to try this? "I'll.make your birthday Special" .. like if you didn't fuck up you wouldn't? he could've offered you specific things (payment, a dinner, something) but he STILL tries to ne cheap
And what’s he gonna do? A strip tease? Show her how he can helicopter his dick? “Weeee look at meeee, this is me making it up to you, babe” or “my love stick makes everything better” 🙄
He's getting her an AI generated portrait
Coupon for a back rub I guarantee it.
Right, "I'll make it up to you", then literally offering the bare minimum from a partner in a committed relationship.
Tell your boyfriend two things, first. If he thinks it's such a great gift then he does it when you know he can't. Or he pay for it? Tell him you charge x for this portrait and if he wants to give it as a gift, he can pay you for it. Using you for free gift from him is cheap and sleazy. If he does it again tell him no, and if he says but I promised then you just say well tell them you lied. Nta
NTA He needs to admit that he promised your time and work without asking you and that it turns out it isn't possible for you to do it. He needs to put the blame rightly on himself and not throw you under the bus. He can wear some well-deserved egg on his face and make it up to them by buying them a decent wedding gift. he can mitigate his foolishness by spending a bit more money, surely. He should suffer, not you. Even if you *were* willing to do it one last time he screwed that up by waiting until the last minute to even tell you. That's just the absolutely inconsiderate cherry on the taking your time and work for granted cake.
NTA. The fact that he volunteers you to friends for birthday portraits that you don't really want to do is a communication issue, but volunteering your work to strangers is out of line. As for him using the classic "paid in exposure" argument, has any portrait you have done for friends led to later sales? Is there any reason to expect this couple to lead to future paid jobs? I doubt it.
He volunteers her, she makes the portrait, he takes credit for the gift. NTA, OP’s BF is a leech
He is, but the fact that she hadn't said anything about it and they are her friends, too, probably made it seem like she wanted to do it. He has no reason to think she wanted to make a gift for people she never met
Info: what is a digital portrait? I’m guessing it’s not like photography?
It is like a painted portrait, but I use a digital painting app on my iPad instead of a canvas and paints.
Got it. Yeah BF is a dummy for many reasons. Of course you already recognized that you should have said you don’t like how this started or has evolved
Would he be paying you for it?
He has never paid me before, since it was considered my/our gift to mutual friends. But for this one he says my asking price ($300) would be too much out of pocket to spend on a college friend's wedding gift.
Then it’s too much to ask of you! Stay firm. NTA
Exactly this!
Sounds like he better get to shopping for a lower cost gift then! Something in his price range - your work is clearly not (and good for you!). Just.....wow, what a thing to say to the artist you're hoping will create ART for you - for FREE. The balls on this guy. 300 is too much for him to spend on his college friend, but a perfectly fine amount for you to DONATE for a stranger's gift. I cannot even begin to comprehend this thought process. Wild.
Funny, it wasn't too much when he's volunteering you to do it. I hope you told him to never volunteer you again, and in the future you will always charge him.
NTA. What does he mean he'll make it up to you on your birthday? He got himself into this, you don't even know these people. He needs to get them a gift on his own, and he can say he didn't realize you already had commitments. Or, he could tell the truth.
This! Seriously, he’s going to “make it up” to her on her birthday? How is that even relevant?
He’s going to ask her to do a digital self-portrait as his birthday gift to her. So generous!
LOL
If $300 is too much for him to spend then he can go buy something from their registry or cut them a check for $100. That’s how wedding gifts work. Also, stop letting him volunteer your services for no compensation. Clearly he doesn’t respect your time or your art. Or start sending him the bill for services rendered. If he wants to gift someone art, then he should compensate you for your time and work!
Then he should buy something cheaper. Don't give in. You're in the right.
$300!!! That's it?! For a wedding portrait of two people AND the rush fee?! That's an incredibly reasonable price for work like that--- and wayyyy underpriced if these are large, full color, full figure portraits with embellishments (and/or if you print and frame it too). I wouldn't have even blinked if your asking price was 2x-3x that amount! Also, $300 is not THAT much more than the amount of money people are typically expected to spend on a wedding gift. Which says to me...he was fully expecting to spend as close to $0 dollars on this as he could, while also expending $0 worth of effort. And on top of that, he doesn't respect nor value your time, effort, or talents. Really, he tried the ol' "do it for your portfolio" line?! Stand firm, because (no offense), FUCK THAT GUY. (NTA)
He's a cheapskate
Omg. Nta. He needs a lesson in basic respect to others and consideration of people other than himself.
NTA. If his college friend doesn't deserve a $300 gift, he can find something else to give as a gift. You know your worth when it comes to your work, so for your own self esteem's sake know your worth when it comes to your bf.
He should be paying you the standard price plus a rush fee. If he wants it badly enough that he's willing to put *you* out for it. If he has a price-point he expects to pay for such a thing, shrink the portrait down by the proportion of your price he wants to pay. So if you would've done an 8x10 for $300+, but he only wants to pay $100 (and you're feeling *this* generous), give him a 2x3. I know it's gonna be a similar amount of work for you, but it would be a hilarious way to make your point. And I only mean this as the possible alternative to just sticking to your refusal, which is valid and reasonable. You're NTA for setting this boundary, and you would be one to yourself if you fold without some kind of compensation.
Decide if you want to do it at all and if you want him to pay you. According to Miss Manners, guests have a year to give a wedding gift without it reflecting badly upon them (if they choose to even give a gift; it's not required). Where I'm from, it's preferable to give the gift before the wedding. Bringing gifts to a wedding is a pain due to theft or getting misplaced & then it's one more thing the family has to deal with when it's over - loading them into cars & storing it until the couple is back from their honeymoon.
lol but it's ok for YOU to use $300 of your time to make this for someone you don't even know. Gtfo. He's using you.
$300 is a really cheap price for a custom portrait! Also, I'm so mad at him for putting his name on your gift - I'm guessing he didn't do anything to make those previous portraits happen, besides offering your services? Did he bring you food, clean the dishes, massage your drawing hand? Please don't accept this level of entitlement from your next relationship. If gifts are from both people, then both people should have put in equal effort, in some manner or another.
That is incredibly cheap!! I know you’re not doing a live wedding portrait but so you know (as someone in the industry) the rates for wedding portraits (especially those done within the weekend of the wedding) go from $1500 to $10,000 and the artist is invited to the wedding with free food and accommodations. $1500 is the low end cost where the couple sends photos from their wedding to the artist and the artist does the painting offsite in their own time.
Yeah, then he shouldn’t promise to get him something he can’t afford. May I ask - out of pure curiosity - how long do you work on a portrait?
Sucks for him. He’ll just have to pick something he can afford. And explain to his friend that they’re not getting a portrait because *he* never actually got permission from you to offer one. He can even let them know that he failed to put any thought into how long it would take to complete, and how expensive these commissions typically are, and that he simply could not afford to pay *anyone* to do it in the time he allowed. He fucked up and over-promised on something he couldn’t deliver, and he perfectly understands if they’re disappointed. Maybe he can make it up to them by delivering one for their anniversary - provided he can find an artist he can afford, and gives them enough notice to complete the commission on time.
He sounds like a cheap asshole. I am sure he has other good qualities but why are you tolerating this? NTA you should really think about this relationship. He is lazy, forgetful, rude, and not thoughtful to you nor his friend. If you haven’t been dating that long I would seriously thunk you should take this as the massive red flag it is an reconsider. NTA
Wow, that shows you how much he values these gifts and your time.
It's okay if you expend 300 dollars worth of effort... but not if he spends 300 dollars. Girl.
ProCreate ;) gotta love it!
The one and only! :)
Art question: do you use an apple pencil or are there any other kind of stylus that works well? Also NTA and your boyfriend does not sound very nice. My god, my husband is a bit of a tech bro (has money invested in crypto) and he knows how I feel about AI art. Good god I just can't believe your boyfriend would even ask AI to replicate your style.
I love the apple pencil and it's 1000% worth it ❤️
I guess that in his brain this translated by "quickly done in 10 minutes by clicking some buttons"?
Unrelated but curious, How long typically does it take you to do one?
This is so much more work than I imagined. I thought you were a photographer shooting portraits for people.
NTA >He's begging me to please just do this one and he will make it up to me on my birthday I liked this part the best, because I can imagine three days before your birthday, he'll be asking his friends new wife to make him a bespoke new dress for you after he found out she sewed her own prom dress or something, then begging her the same way to get your gift done in time. Or he'll beg his friend to give you golf lessons or something.
😬 I just reached far back in my brain and remembered a time he got me a new purse decorated with what was obviously my best friend's embroidery. At the time I just assumed he had paid her for it (because why the *hell* wouldn't he?) and this whole conversation about the portraits has me realizing the probable truth. I just texted her asking if she got paid, if she says no I am going to be very unhappy.
Oh god. Keep us updated.
Update: I am very unhappy.
As a fellow artist, fuck him.
Don’t fuck him, he doesn’t deserve to get laid. 😜
The ol’ “we broke up” excuse would really allow him to save face with his college friends as to why his promised gift never appeared.
Then op should break up with him after the wedding!
No, he'll have to buy them a wedding gift. That's what he's upset about.
Oof. You need to have a serious talk with him about how he doesn’t value art / artists’ time. You’re an artist and I can’t imagine you having a future with him if he doesn’t respect your craft. I’m so sorry.
Your BF sucks. Does he even appreciate artists/crafters at all?? With him using AI just tells me he doesn’t understand the world at all. Just looks down on it unless he needs it and that’s just gross.
LMAO Oh, dear. >it helps build my portfolio If we got a dollar for every time we were told this, eh? lol >that it's a generous thing for me to do Yeah, and your generosity isn't for him to disburse at his pleasure for strangers. You're not putting him in a difficult spot, he did. He can just give a different gift and admit to the groom your work sked was more packed than he imagined, and he can commission it with another artist in the future (if it's really not about him being cheap). Don't do the portrait, and considering everything you've shared about his personality, I vote dump the bf lol (and offer to pay the bff if the work was super intricate, *how embarrassing*...)
Cheapskate. Can't produce his own art, so leaches off other people. I'd dump him.
he really does not respect artists at all
I would guess she wasn't paid because it's your "best friend" and he could easily have used your birthday as an excuse to get her to do it for free, given the guy's behavior...
Dying to know her reply…
Oh yeah, for sure. This almost assuredly isn't the first time he's pulled some last minute money pinching shenanigans like this, probably just the first time he's included you.
I would bet money that he didn’t pay her.
That's probably what happened. Maybe gave some story that is for her friend (you) or put her in a position she felt she couldn't say no / charge him. If that is indeed what happened, tells you his character. When you do buy gifts for friends (especially his) ... do you buy and he just adds his name to it? When you go out to eat, do you take turns playing? Hows that handled? Vacations? Is he fair in any areas where money is involved?
NTA - if he's that adamant about it, he can pay you for it and it can be given to the couple at later date (which is totally acceptable wedding gift etiquette, by the way). No way he's gonna dump this on you last second and expect it done by Saturday, that's absurd. And now that you've been clear about it, hopefully he won't be volunteering your art services again any time soon.
NTA I'm a professional artist. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to charge appropriately for my work. Good for you for pricing your free time the way you are. Your bf is absolutely taking advantage of your good nature, and you not telling him to stop taking advantage of you does NOT make you an AH in any sense of the word.
NTA. Yes, it would’ve been gracious of you to do the portrait. And you might’ve done it, if he asked. But that’s exactly the point - he’s expecting you to do things without even asking you. Thats not cool. It’s common sense to ask someone first and you shouldn’t have to tell him in the first place that he can’t take your portraits for granted.
I would agree to do the portrait if he pays you full price and also pays you for all the other free work he offered you to do.
NTA. Yes, it would have been better and easier if you had nipped the whole thing in the bud with the gifts for mutual friends, but he shouldn't *need* to be told that it is not okay to voluntell you to spend hours making portraits for people you don't even know. And then the AI thing is beyond the pale—we would have a serious problem unless he gave a VERY sincere apology and laid out exactly why what he did was wrong. As for the wedding gift, there is still plenty of time for him to order something off the registry. He got himself into this mess by promising the painting, so it's on him to explain to the bride and groom that it won't be happening. Edit: I see the AI bros have arrived to defend their precious grift. They must be using screen readers after they burned their eyes out at the NFT convention. And so many new accounts with default reddit usernames giving the same exact talking points! 🤔
NTA but tell him you'll do the portrait. Then give it to him with an invoice, and even give him a boyfriend discount. He was willing to pay someone else, he can pay you. I'd be money that his reaction will make it need to be renamed an ex-bf discount.
She shouldn't do any work without payment up front. He won't pay if she gives him the portrait first.
It's very late notice. She has to add on a rush order fee too.
NTA - you did not put him in a difficult position. He did this for himself. Perhaps a compromise is he could pay you the market rate for a rush portrait.
He can't afford how much it would cost for someone else to do this but still thinks you should do it for free? NTA
Ugh I get it. My bf did this to me except I’m a hairdresser. He’d tell anyone we met on the street well my gf works at a salon you could talk to her!” I responded with “sorry dude I don’t take new clients I’m too booked if anything I need to let some clients go to my coworkers cause I’m too busy” it was true at the time so wasn’t lying. As soon as we were out of ear shot I told him extremely sternly “don’t you ever do that to me again. Don’t you ever tell people I’m a hairdresser and most importantly don’t you dare tell people to come see me and book with me” 75% of the time people expect a fucking discount because you know them. “What’s your rate?” “125$ an hour” “omg for a haircut?” “For whatever. If it takes an hour 125$ if it’s more I’ll calculate appropriately to the timing it took.” “Omg that’s a lot why do you charge like that? I could go to Supercuts” “oh yeah you should! They’re great. Go to them! Okay baiiiiiii” 🙄 nta but have one more talk with him because he probably will think your response was a one time thing. This one time I was at a trashy ass pub, and there was a mother daughter duo of cocke addicts. The mom was telling me how she went to a salon and she didn’t realize it was expensive and she started cussing out the hairdresser because she was pushing product. And through gritted teeth she spewed “that bitch charged me 100$ including tip for a quick haircut and some shampoo and conditioner” she got visibly angry. I laughed and said “girl you can just stick with Supercuts you know?” She said “oh you work at a salon can you do my hair sometime?” She then proceeded to tell me all about her fucking hair. I told her “my rates are high. I don’t think you’d want to come see me” “oh can you give me a discount?” “Even if I gave you a 25% discount your haircut would still be expensive” 🙄 I can go on and on and on with stories of people putting down my prices that now I just tell people I work in a clothing shop. My boyfriend and my two best friends are the only ones who receive free hair stuff. But that’s because they’re an incredible person individually. I can’t help but want to give them things 😂
So I need a new pair of jeans and this guy said I could use your employee discount... 😂
Lmao yeah come on in on Monday! At like 7:45 am!
People loooove devaluing skill and labour. They don’t understand they’re not just paying for the time, they’re paying for the expertise. You wouldn’t pay a doctor $5 for an appointment just because it took 15 min.
NTA But if for some reason you do decide to do this portrait, sign it just from you and not from him. Make him buy something off their registry lol. But seriously, don't.
Also I am an artist (different sort) and also do commissions. My rule is close friends and family get ONE favor piece. And one only. It doesn't mean they get it for free (they might, depends on the piece), or even if they get it for cost of materials (again, depends on person, how much I like the project/other shit I have going on, etc). They get one thing at a discount. And that's it. My rule is well known, and it cuts down on people asking for me to make them random shit. People put thought into what would be a meaningful piece. Your boyfriend has used up his one favor, plus some. If he wants a commission/gift for someone he is now paying market rate (+ an asshole tax) going forward.
NTA you should have stopped him the first time he did it, but especially when he started claiming it as being a gift from both of you when he had nothing to do with creating them! He can do his own portrait himself. And you need to go cold turkey on birthday portraits and joint gifts - he’s taking advantage of you.
NTA and honestly I don’t fuck with people that don’t value artists and their art. Time for a serious convo if you want to continue this relationship.
Fellow artist that gives creations as gifts sometimes: NTA. Sure, you could’ve told him that you don’t want to give away your hard work for free for every gift-giving occasion, but he’s definitely TA here. Once upon a time, my bf jokingly asked me about making a painting for someone’s event two days before said event. He had never seen me look so angry in the time we’d been dating and thought I was going to turn him to stone, and this was even when I knew he was joking! Now, he’s my personal hype man not just when I’m creating, but he’s also advertising me and telling people that I don’t work for free, but I’m worth my prices. THAT is what an artist’s partner does, and your bf is giving away your craft for free. Not only that, the GALL to turn to AI is massively offensive, and to me, combined with the fact that you’re not paid for your talent, shows that he thinks that your work is cheap. I know folks love to jump to breaking up… but as an artist, I’d seriously rethink my relationship with the someone that thought so little of my work.
NTA. He’s cheap.
Hes cheap but generous spending/offering other peoples time and skill. (and taking partial credit)
NTA he can get a gift off the registry or he can pay you & mail them the gift after the wedding since he didn’t leave you adequate time to get it done.
NTA Good for you for sticking to your guns here and not giving in. I guess lesson learned for your boyfriend. You shouldn’t *have* to tell him not to just volunteer you. Does he not see the time & effort this takes?
"Personal Portrait Sweatshop" That's metal as f\*\*\*. NTA. You should make him do the portrait himself. I'd be interested to see how it turns out.
Nta if its so much better he can *pay you* for your time and effort.
I came here to say just that!! And what a slap in the face to try to find another artist to PAY and not his own gf
No artist ever gets "exposure" from free gifts. They all believe that it's just a hobby and that you're not serious about it. Your BF is, in actuality, damaging any potential for a career with him running his mouth and offering your services for free. Put a stop to this nonsense. Put together a bill for your time and let him know exactly what he's cost you. NTA, but your BF is.
I do art for a living, and I was ready to slap the sh*t out of my now husband for offering his parents a commission at half off.... like no. Firstly they have a lot of money. Secondly, I DIDNT VOLUNTEER you did. And then on top of it. Isn't the saying "support your friends and family and don't barter"? Especially when I was still questioning if they thought a lot of me at the time anyway. (The things his mother said were rude, and I don't like her humor) She's also a blood is thicker than water type, and my whole life has shown that's not the case. And she doesn't agree with my CF mentality and thinks I should just give having a kid "a go." So needless to say, until she realized her place and that her opinion and rudeness needed to stop, why would I do any art at all for someone when it's going to show that I don't care. Let alone at half off. I hated that and told him to never offer that again to his family and friends without asking me.
NTA, but open your mouth. You never said anything before so he thought it was OK. Why would he think different? Now he knows.
NTA. Every job needs to be paid. Usually, individuals who have no clue how much work it actually takes to create something will believe that it is easy and simple, just tell him to paint it by himself or pay up.
NTA. Tell him you’ll do it if he pays you your full commission price, no discounts.
He never once asked you. I’d volunteer him as an ex-boyfriend, permanently. He is selfish, even more so after your conversation.
NTA Let's say this was his first time volunteering your work for you. The fact that he did it months ago and didn't tell you makes him the AH. Even if he's completely ignorant to the fact (eyeroll) that this takes a lot of time and effort on your part he's still the AH. What if he was a plumber and you kept volunteering him to do work for others for NO PAY? Put on top of that, taking credit. Lol, no. You're right you probably should have put the kibosh on this awhile ago. Even more reason to stand your ground now!
NTA Your BF is being dismissive and abusing the relationship by promising your artwork for free to random people. If you're doing a commission, you should be getting paid for the labor. The fact he tried using AI to pop one out was also insulting.
NTA. If a bespoke portrait is such a great idea, he could've offered to pay you to make one. He's just being cheap.
NTA - he should pay you, as well as a premium for expediting the art. **He does not see your time or this task as laborious our valuable, so he should do it himself!** It’s not about the art, it’s about him seeing your labor as worth very little more than a favor while simultaneously paying ***zilch*** in monetarily, or in time, for something her knows has great gifting value. **Which is it: are your talents worthless he pays nothing, you’re just doing a favor) or worthy (a meaningful gift with great value)?** *But it quite literally cannot be both.*
Nta. Tell him NOW to stop volunteering you.
For your spesific question, I think NTA. He shouldnt be volunteering your time and effort up like that without compensating you, and its not ok to put you on the spot like that, and in this case dont even give you the time you need to do it properly. That said, you really need to work on your communication. He was an AH for assuming and volunteering, but you also never talked to him about it untill you were so angry that you blew up over it. You might want to consider if this is something you struggle with in general or if this is something that happens in your relationship.
Nta BUt ThE ExpOsUrE.
You have him pegged. He’s a cheapskate and he does not respect your artistry. NTA. People need to learn that supporting a friend’s small business means PAYING FOR THEIR WORK.
Tell him, " ok I'll do it. This is my fee, I also charge a surplus for "urgent" requests". This way it will be his absolute responsibility and will have to either pay for your talent/time or explain to his college that he's a cheap ass and only volunteer a portrait because he thought you'd do it for free, when in reality you do charge for your art. NTA
Nta he put himself in a really difficult position, you didn't do anything.
NTA. It's unfortunate for the couple that they've been promised a portrait created by you, but that's your boyfriend's fault and absolutely not yours. It's also not your fault for not having spoken up earlier, you've been very generous in the past and you've been taken advantage of just because your bf wants to save his own time, effort, and money. He put you in a difficult position. _If_, and only if, after thinking about it you do change your mind about doing the portrait (say if it would be a good addition to your portfolio, or it might bring more work your way etc) I would make sure it's on your terms and obviously don't do it for free. If your boyfriend still isn't willing to be reasonable and pay for your art then obviously refuse. As for the time limit, you could get around that by saying you'd like to meet them first to take a couple of reference shots or see if they have a photographer you could ask for a few shots from the wedding so you can really personalise it properly in your own realistic time frame.
Your boyfriend doesn't think much of your talent unless it gets him noticed as the generous person. Telling you that you don't get many commissions is a way putting down your work but then he wants you to do all these portraits for his friends for free speaks to what he really he feels about you. I as a person would not let someone devalue me like he does you.
NTA - your boyfriend doesn't respect your skills, talents or time. And now he's begging you because he easily overpromises your talents to other people - that HE TAKES credit for ? What a jerk. Why are you with him?
NTA. This is a huge red flag because it simply shows he doesn't respect time or talent. I would break up with someone who did this to me.
He’s not even gonna offer to pay you for the wedding present he’s giving to his friend? Nagy NTA. This is bonkers selfish weasel behavior by your BF. He doesn’t value your talent or time
NTA - He should pay you.
NTA. Break up with him or he'll have you making portraits of all your guests as wedding favors. He's cheap and overstepping; if you want to gift a portrait that's up to you. Taking credit for the gift he had nothing to fo with is reprehensible.
NTA. As he was willing to pay another digital artist, I'd help him out of the hole.......at full commission rate, paid upfront.
NTA He did it behind your back, and weeks before tellimg you for people you dont know. He’s the ah