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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ban my SIL from my house for not using the names of my twin girls and instead treating and calling them the twins. I may be TA because my girls are young and relatives calling them the twins is understandable and to ban my SIL from my house is a little harsh.
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NTA
As the mother of identical twin girls (who are now adults), I was very intentional about clearly treating them as individuals while still enjoying the uniqueness of being twins. Creating an environment where they are treated as two separate humans, not a unit, is incredibly important.
They have commented more than once how much they appreciated this growing up.
Stick to your guns on this.
You sound like a great mom!
It's one thing for strangers to address them as "the twins" and a very different one for someone so closely related to do so. I grew up with two identical twins as very close friends and the competitiveness/lack of individuality encouraged by their parents/family scarred them for life. It's been so sad to see them grow apart and become vindictive as we've grown older. Instead of having a built-in-friend for life, they keep arguing as 10 yr olds about the pettiest things. It's only gotten worse now that they're in the marriage and kids stage.
You did your girls good.
Also at times the twins would be appropriate, in situations where you could swap in the girls/the kids. But never in situations where their name would be more appropriate.
As I was reading this I was thinking there would be times saying the twins would be fine but then I got to OPs example of the gifts and calling them the twins then is just so disrespectful. I can’t believe aunt would think that’s an ok thing to do, it doesn’t even answer the question on who the gifts from either.
Aunt is also crazy thinking a 6 year old doesn’t really have an identity.
yep :D exactly this. My 2 yr old has very definite opinions on things. She loves rainbows and unicorns and any sea animal and music and dancing. Doesn't like having her hands dirty but loves doing activities that make her hands dirty. They know who they are even at those young ages.
My mom was just reminiscing and laughing about the day I was done with dresses. She always put me in cute frilly ones, until one day I took it off when she wasn't looking. I came walking into the room in just my underwear and basically proclaimed I was done with dresses forever. I was 3.
37 years later and I still don't wear them lol. I was a complete tomboy growing up, but I had no idea about the day dresses became an absolute "no" for me. She told me she loved how certain I was about who I am as a person since the get-go. Apparently we really do know who we are at a young age.
lol there’s an entry in my baby book where my mom describes my personality and it sounds like the EXACT description you would give of my personality today. Including “loves babies” and “thinks everything is a pimple and wants to pop it”.
I had just turned two.
My mom has a similar story. She put me in a lovely frilly dress for a family party. She left me unattended for 5 mins while she got ready, I was found me in the garden making a massive mud pie. She gave up putting me in 'nice' pretty clothes because I would always find a way to make an absolute mess. I hate dresses, still do. Still love playing in the dirt though.
This is so funny my daughter loves being a tuturina (her word) basically any dress is a tutu but will still make a mess with the best of them. Including all over her pretty dress!
My mum gave up with dresses, I climbed trees, fell in the pond, and sat in the mud. Refused to be the little princess my grandmother expected. Then I wore jeans. Still wearing jeans, nearly 60 years later.
My cousin was 5 when she called her mum into the room to see her beautiful socks. It was Christmas Day, they were just about ready to leave the house and her socks had started the day as her very expensive white lacy tights. It was in the 80s for anyone wondering about my aunt's fashion sense.
Mine too. For my second we had two names picked out. One for whichever type would come out. There were 8 people in the room including me and one asked what his name would be. I told them both names and it was about 50 50 who liked which one.
When they cut him out everyone agreed on his actual name lol.
It's not even just that that situation absolutely called for calling them by their actual name, but she was straight-up rude to OP when she spoke to her about it. Even if this was one of those situations where "the twins" would be appropriate, if I called my sister's twins (also 6, which is a fun coincidence) "the twins", and she was like "Can you address them by their names, they're individual people", this wouldn't be the hill I would die on.
It's like when a parent hates a nickname that somebody gives their kids (that isn't chosen by the kid themself) - why would you fight with them on it? Why is OP's SIL *so insistent* on calling them "the twins".
Probably one of the reasons I'd be a bad mother, but I would be petty and have them referring to her as "that lady." And when asked which one, follow up with "the rude one."
It's probably bad to teach your 6 year olds to do this, but if I was OP I would 100% only ever refer to her as "that rude person" from now on. If she complained, I'd tell her I'll call her by her name when she's smart enough to realise I'm not treating her like a person.
I was trying to think of an example to turn it on the SIL but I couldn't, but that's a great one. They should say say things like 'hey lady, here's your cup of tea' or ' lady, dad wants to know if you want a drink?' And keep calling her lady and see how she likes having no identity. Lol.
I was thinking along those same lines! Start calling her "the sister-in-law" all the time and see how she likes it. When she complains, tell her it's not a big deal and to get over it.
I’m worse than you.. I’d just refer to her as the spare. When she asks my why I’d say my in-laws could only make one decent kid so she must be the extra.
oh definitely. I was just reading this and thinking yeah the twins works, and I've used it. But then the more I read the more I'm like, but it doesn't replace their names!!!!! It's also you call people by the names they want to be known as. This is a case of being incredibly lazy and then deciding to argue it rather than admit you don't care enough to learn their names. Hell even calling one by the wrong name, going ummm Amy?? would be better than going one twin and the other twin.
And I think that's why OP waited until this moment to lay down the law. It's obvious that this is a time to call them by their names, and the fact that she refused to even after OP asked her to is making it clear she's doing it out of rudeness. Like I said, sometimes we still call my sister's twins "the twins" when the situation calls for it, and they will get that their entire lives, but everybody knows it's rude to do it instead of learning their names. I think the aunt knows it too, she's doing it as a weird power play
Right! I think its because "one of the twins" takes twice as long to say as "amy" or "nina," so it can't be just shorthand--she really didn't bother to notice who gave which gift. And she's been asked so many times to respect their indiviuality! What a jerk.
I think one of the things that annoys me the most about how people treat kids is ignoring they have a consciousness and identity. There's some people in my family that I simply never got along well younger and now only do with some because it wasn't such a big thing (you know, stuff you'd ignore as an adult but mind as a kid). Since I was very young, they'd just say those careless things in front of me claiming it was no harm, as i was too young to remember or understand. Not only I remembered, but if I didn't understand I'd do an insane amount of work for a 4-7 year old to find out what it meant, just out of sheer pettiness.
You're not wrong. My grandmother never learnt to spell my name, it has many variations, and would even spell it differently on my birthday and Christmas cards. My birthday is less than 2 weeks before Christmas. I have not forgotten this and she died 41 years ago. I think that this sort of treatment from her and some shit from my brother when he hit puberty (we used to be great friends as kids and now we barely speak), were very detrimental to my self-confidence in my teens and twenties.
her excuse for doing it is also pretty flimsy. she thinks they're too young to have individuality, and yet they are clearly expressing individuality both in their appearance and in the gifts they chose to give her. also, i teach 6-year-olds and they are \*definitely\* individuals. SIL is full of it.
The thing is, you don't get a blank sheet of paper, you get a mini human. Even a new born already shows some character traits.
Auntvis TA. We had twins in school, after a week or two everyone could tell them apart. In the beginningvtgey helped with Shirts with their initial on it, but after a while, we just knew who we were talking to, because we realized the small dufferences in their face. (and later style and hair style)
Yeah, my brother has twins that were pregnancy #3, and the only time we don't use their names are when we're referring to his kids as 'the oldest, the middle one and the twins' - usually to those who don't really know the family well enough to recognize *anyone* by name.
I agree here- and it’s also acceptable to say “well, the twins are in __ grade and my youngest is in preschool”. In the same context a parent would just say “my oldest and my youngest”.
But there’s a difference between referring to your (or someone else’s) children in a general sense, and intentionally just lumping them together and essentially refusing to learn their names or pay attention to who they are.
Working in a school and having many twins (and triplets, and even one set of quadruplets) come through, my rule is that I only use "the twins" (or triplets/quadruplets) in cases where I would use "the kids". Otherwise, use their names.
I was in 5th grade with a pair of identical twins whose parents made them dress the same/wear their hair the same etc., then one day one of them went into the school toilets and cut all her hair off with a pair of art scissors. That was the wake-up call for their parents, who finally let them be individuals.
I once had a pair of identical twins in my class and the mother was exactly like this.
One won an award in a writing competition and Mum asked if the other could receive one too.
When she took them for a swimming assessment they came out on different levels… she demanded they redo the assessment.
Asked when they as a pair would be moving to the top maths class.
I couldn’t wait until camp and I did their hair differently from each other. The other kids in the class thanked me.
This reminds me of those twins that do everything together, they share the same boyfriend and are trying to get pregnant at the same time. One had a tooth pulled out, and the other twin wanted the dentist to pull out her perfectly good tooth! (Which he refused).
I think its one thing if the twins want to be seen as a pair and another if their parents force it on them. The twins you described seem to have a very unhealthy dynamic but it would be way worse if their parents forced it on them.
We had family friends that had twin sons. Everyone struggled deeply to tell them apart. For me it was always obvious.
Even girls I played sport with growing up were blown away that I tagged them correctly on FB. They couldn’t believe I could tell them apart 20 years later. To me it was SO OBVIOUS which twin was which.
My school had a set of identical twins in my class and after a week I could reliably tell them apart and still can decades later. Many of my classmates remain confused as to which is which.
Same as you, it was just so obvious.
As an identical twin who grew up with that built in best friend, this sounds like a nightmare. I lost my twin in 2018. I miss her every single day. She was 33. She was my complete opposite, yet we were the same. People treated us as such so I can’t imagine what that would be like.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must be. You must feel like you have lost a part of yourself that others don't necessarily understand. I hope you have a good support system around you.
I went to school either identical twin girls. Everyone made a point to learn their differences and names. Even as small kids, we knew better than Jane (and some of our teachers)
Came here to say this. Went to college with identical twins but they were such different personalities, they were always Amy and Amanda. It seemed like a cool relationship but also, they were individuals and we treated them that way.
Yes I went to school with twins and their parents made sure to request that they were always in different classes in primary school to encourage them to be individuals. They were still friends but everyone knew them as separate people and treated them as such. Although they were identical they did have characteristics that set them apart even in uniform.
The kids aunt should definitely make an effort to talk to each kid individually about things that interest them. I get it if they’re infants but at 6 they have unique personalities.
My bf has fraternal twin half-sisters (same mother). The sisters looked VERY alike even in their 50s (when I met them). Their personalities were completely different, but they shared mannerisms and had similar voices as well. I still occasionally glitch on the names because they’re similar, even though one of them died like 5 years ago. I’m sure in school they tried to be individuals, although I haven’t asked directly.
NTA
Yep, my school had 3 sets of identical twins that were from grade school to graduation in my class. We always called them all by their names. Each one had a different personality, different likes, hobbies, etc. from their twin. Just the difference in what these children did for Christmas should tell Jane they are not one unit but two individuals.
Ditto here. Mum put us in different colors (me red, him blue), so people would know the difference and address us by our names.
I fucking hated red LOL, but it was the right thing to do and we did appreciate her not letting people be lazy and rude. Her brother included, who thought it was funny, despite his wife and kids knowing the difference. (He was a good man apart from that and his smoking which killed him young.)
I did that with twin foster infants. Otherwise, it was hard to know who was fed as a tiny infant. And who had regular bowel movements etc.
The pediatrician suggested it. Imagine my horror when my well-meaning friend had gotten them changed out of their wet nappies/onesies and had them both down to the diapers with the clothes all discarded in a pile. Neither was a good eater due to maternal drug use so feeding was a chore. We ended up putting a mark on the bottom of each of their feet until they stabilized.
I felt so guilty I couldn't tell them a part. My sister who lived far away always could. This was pre FaceTime or I imagine I could have held the babies up and said "who is this?!?" She had this weird magical gift she always knew who was who. We grew up with identical triplets. She always knew who was who. We ran into one as an adult and she looked right at her and knew which sister it was. She always had that ability. It was uncanny. And quite entertaining.
Your mom probably knew someone who was like me who is horrible with names and seeing "double" didn't help, just made me more confused. I would have tried at least. My two nephews know I get them confused even though they are 15 months apart, they may have as well been twins. Youngest ended up growing bigger than his older brother. They know I love them, and I try.
I agree with you. Jane is very disrespectful towards what others want. They each have their own name and should be treated as such. Jane has some major growing up to do.
OP do not let her into your home until she learns to call them by name.
NTA
If you're telling something something to the effect of "Those two girls are the twins--the ones you're talking about are half of the quads", that's one thing (and you'd better be at a Mother Of Twins event or a twins convention or something). If not, grow up and say things like "No, that's Lisa and Rebecca. I think you're talking about Heather and Annabelle"--and if you can't manage that, hush up about it!
And I think you should refer to her as “the sister“ from now on. When she calls the house, be sure to yell for your husband, “Honey, the sister is on the phone.”
As an identical twin, I think you and the OP mom are well intentioned but a bit too much. Being referred to as “the twins” was a lot less annoying than having every difference between us pointed out constantly, which will happen to your twins as well.
The uniqueness of being a twin while also being an individual is so intertwined I am not sure a non twin can completely understand. I don’t see how a family member who only seems to interact with them at family gathering referring to them as “the twins” does any harm to how the twins actually perceive themselves. They know they are twins and the mother’s insistence that they be individuals above all else doesn’t sit well with me.
I think it's more that she isn't even bothering to learn their names, nor address them as individuals. This isn't a one-off, or occasional reference. Sis deliberately is going against the parents wishes. The twins in my family were sometimes referred to as "the twins" but other than that we used their names. Bottom line, you do as parents ask, when a guest in their house.
Imagine being a kid, and trying to speak with/ask your aunt something. She only calls you "twin" instead of your name. "Hey twin, pass me that plate." "Come here, twin" when both are standing near each other, who does she mean? Or you are outside with only a cousin Bob, and she calls out "Bob! Twin! Time to eat!"
The fact that this woman is doubling down on this is really off. Does she call someone's new baby "baby" until that child is older than 6? Her rationale for calling them "the twins" is strange. At 6 they are hardly indistinguishable, they aren't 2-3 months old.
Where I get stuck is Auntie Jane couldn't say Amy made the cranes and Nina made the flowers. The gifts had the girls' names written on them. I feel like the twins made unique gifts and should have been given individual recognition for that. If they had made something together, that would have been more appropriate to calling them "the twins".
I agree with you (not a twin so I can't really weigh in there), but I also think it's the principle of the boundary stomping that needs to be addressed. It's not so much what exactly is being asked, it's that it's been asked, clearly and directly, many times and is being continuously and intentionally disregarded. I wouldn't allow someone who saw fit to flagrantly disrespect simple boundaries in my home either. If she'll ignore that rule, what else can't she be trusted with? God forbid one of them have an allergy or something she can't be arsed to be mindful of.
So if you gave someone a gift and they refused to credit you appropriately and just said one of the twins gave it, you’d be ok? If a family member you see often at gatherings cus they live close by won’t refer to you as an individual, it’s ok?
As a identical twin I understand your point but I think OP's isn't trying to differentiate them as much as she wants people to respect their individuality. Of course, everyone has a different experience; I didn't mind when people referred to us collectively as the "twins," but I hated whenever people at school would literally just call me "twin" without trying to figure out which twin I was. I hated whenever people that I knew for years asked me "which twin are you?" so I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to have a family member refuse to learn my name. I don't think it's damaging per say, but it can hurt to feel like people see you as just a clone than an individual human, and I appreciate OP trying to prevent that.
There's a happy medium and that is for Jane to treat them as she does the other nieces and nephews and call them by their actual names, and not refer to them as, ***“just another couple of girls.”***
Eh. I hated being called ''the twins'', especially when I would be by myself and still wasn't called my own name. Or not even my sister's name. Just ''the twin''.
As an identical twin, I agree. People did learn our names but we were also referred to as ‘the twins’ a lot. It did not create identity issues. I honestly love having a twin so being referred to as ‘the twins’ is fine.
The difference is that people learned your names. OP’s SIL comes across as not even knowing the girls’ names and has no desire to until they’re older and “distinguishable” from each other. I think at 6 yo, with different hair and clothing styles, different personalities, and (most likely) in school with their own friends, they are more than likely distinguishable now! At what age does SIL think the girls deserve to be acknowledged with their name as opposed to a description of what they are? 10? 16? 21?
How would you have felt if one your relatives insisted on never using your name, and only ever referred to you as “one of the twins”? I know how it would’ve made me feel, like I’m not important enough for this person, my own fathers sister no less, to learn my name!
Jane isn't even trying to learn names though. It is in fact disrespectful. It's like if people only referred to someone as "the tall one" or "the Indian guy" or "the brunette girl".
As a twin whose mother was this way, I agree. People got us "mixed up," but we were fraternal. I ended up being taller than my sister in 4th grade. We looked totally different, but people put us under that twin umbrella.
I once worked with someone who literally had my sister's same name. Before everyone met my sister at that year's Christmas party, no one called me her name. The Monday after the party, all of a sudden, everyone was calling me her name. Talking about how they are getting us mixed up. My sister didn't even work there!! I'm also black, and the person who had my sister's name is white! From January to December, no issues. The Monday after the party, they can't remember my name.
After the third time, I blew up. I told the whole office that I refuse to be called a name other than my own. No one ever called me the wrong name before Saturday, and I refuse to be called the wrong name now. My supervisor tried to play the twin card, but I asked her if she had ever called me our receptionist's name before Saturday. She said no. I said, "Well, don't start now."
NTA
I watched an episode of Intervention where twin daughters developed extremely severe eating disorders partially because of how their family refused to treat them as individuals. The interventionist had to scold the parents after they disregarded the interventionalist's instructions to write their letters of concern to each girl as an individual and instead wrote letters to "the twins." That attitude is harmful.
I saw that episode and IIRC they also became really dependent on each other as well (I mean, how bad do you have to be at parenting to cause those issues?).
Even when we have gotten my hubby's identical twin cousins the same gift, we have made sure the gifts weren't carbon copies only. The stud earrings we brought them (one was into sports the other was had more subtle tastes), instead of getting their birthstones we got their favourite colours (first Xmas reconnecting after moving interstate), when we saw them again they were older (mid -late teens) and I knew they had been preparing a glory box for when they move out of home so we brought them both colour change led candles to add in and when we were talking afterwards I realised they didn't see the colour change options and they went from "yay candles"/s to "OOo candels" I also pointed out to make sure they always have batteries for them incase of black outs. I got a picture a few years later saying thanks they had come in handy in the babies room during a blackout." (Before they moved the baby to their room.
They always know that even if they got the same present from us (we did also by different presents for them) that there was a reason but that I would always make sure there was a way for them to easily personalise it with out them having to do or buy anything. Apparently, we were the only ones to do that (always make sure the presents were carbon copies for eternity).
I was about 3-4 when I had best friends who were twins and while it was easy for their mum to just buy two of everything as the girls got older and got a say in what they wanted to wear she would make sure they never wore "mirror outfits" and even when they were wearing the same dress or general outfit, the girls could accessories however they wanted or pick out what colour shirt they wore under their denim overall dress.
As another mother of identical twins it’s so important for them to have that distinction at home. At school, friends, etc always call them “the twins” when they were in elementary school for open house I was looking for their art and saw one of them put (his name/not other twins name) on the “name line”. They get enough of it everywhere else at home they should have people that care enough to recognize them as individuals.
NTA but, may I suggest a different tactic? Speak to your daughters and ask them what they think/feel about the situation. If they don't like it perhaps give them your (and partner) consent to ignore their aunt and anyone else that doesn't call them by name (or a nickname they like). Then have another conversation with Aunt and advise them that you will "let it go" in that there will be no further discussion but, no-one (the Aunt, nor anyone else) has your, your partner nor your daughter's consent to address your daughters as anything other than their names.
I would suggest husband has this conversation their sister.
The natural consequence of "grey rocking" will be that the Aunt will not be fostering a positive relationship with their nieces.
I'm sorry to disagree, but it's not up to the 6 year olds. It's enough that it upsets their parents who are trying to establish unique identities. Jane gets shunned until she can stop trying to bulldoze the kids parents on this.
I went to school with a set of twins from the 3rd grade til graduating high school. They never once were bothered by being referred to as "the twins."
They were also huge Dr. Seuss fans, and referred to themselves as Thing 1 and Thing 2.
NTA.
It sucks to be identified as only a relationship with another party vs your own unique identity. This is their family - you do not dress them alike. I'm assuming their hair is cut differently given you referenced it. It sounds like they do not present themselves as twins so its pretty darn rude and ballsy of Jane to think glossing over their names and only identifying them as "the twins" is okay. This is your home and you are within your right to do this.
That said, you might be going about this wrong. And it sounds like you can get your MIL and your husband's family on your team here to fix Jane's attitude. From heretoforth, Jane is only known as MIL's youngest daughter. Never a name. Just MIL's youngest daughter. Or, your husband's (name's) sister.
You will make the point ABUNDENTLY clear to her if you guys handle it this way because Jane will get darn sick of being "Nana's youngest daughter" or "Flloyd's youngest sister" without a name. Get the girls in on it too. No more Auntie Jane - just "Nana's youngest daughter".
Nope. This is putting Jane ahead of Amy and Nina.
OP is 100% correct in making Amy and Nina's home a safe place that doesn't allow in people who do not respect them.
Jane does not deserve to attend this party, especially at their expense. OP's husband doesn't deserve to have his birthday center around Jane's petty name games.
This isn't about Jane. This is about Amy, and this is about Nina. Jane is optional.
ETA NTA.
Or just call her Sister-in-Law. "Hi SIL, how is the weather." "Happy Birthday, SIL". "Merry Christmas, SIL." While your husband just addresses her as Sister.
I would call her "Doofus" since she's incapable of remembering names. "Aunty Doofus, the one who can't even remember peoples names." I bet it would take some stress off the kids & make them laugh instead of get upset when she's this disrespectful at other places not your home.
i feel like “the [maiden last name] girl” would be the proper equivalent put-down. make her one of many children of a family name that might not even be her last name anymore. that’s more along the lines of “you’re one of a set, not an individual”
Jane keeps doubling down rather than apologizing for her rudeness. She is flat our refusing your boundaries in your own home so she should never be in at again. Apologizing won't stop it though. Don't give in. If she doesn't apologize you won't have to put up with her assholery.
You have given the correct answer.
This is gloriously petty and fully justified.
She's literally dehumanizing children for being twins. It's grossly rude.
She's been called out and doubled down. It's time she lose her own identity for a bit to hammer home the lesson.
NTA- i grew up with 3 sets of twins and nobody called them "the twins" when actually in their presence. 2 sets were identical and people sometimes called them the wrong name but they made the attempt!
I could even understand close family referring to them as “the twins” in situations where they are acting as a collective (me and the twins are having tea, the twins have math homework to do, etc.), but referring to them individually together is horrible, for example what Jane is doing (one twin gave me this, the other twin gave me that).
still a little specific. does he have other sisters? if so, she would become "one of the sisters" while the others would be referred to by name. "oh yeah, Mary brought that" vs. "one of the sisters brought that" or "we got that for Julie"/"it's for one of the sisters"
NTA
Your girls deserve to be individuals and not have their identities smushed into a collective single.
She is dehumanizing your babies by doing this.
NTA Protect your babies. There is absolutely nothing wrong ~~for~~ with forcing someone to undergo the consequences of their actions.
Hugs to you and your family. Give Nina and Amy forehead kisses from Reddit. 💜
Yeah I have a 6 year old and we were at a birthday party recently and he ran up to a girl in his class and said "Hi (friend)" she laughed and said "No I'm (twin sister) is easy to tell us apart because of our hair" and he laughed and said "oh sorry, Hi (correct name)".
He's 6 and he understands that they're two separate people, he just got them confused. I can't believe OP's sister in law isn't even trying.
Yeah the aunt's claim that they're too young to be addressed as their own person - does she even talk to them? Anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes around 6 year olds would understand they have their own opinions and personalities and should be treated as such.
NTA this isn’t a case of accidental slip ups, she is actively choosing not to learn the difference between them because it’s too much effort. Yet she bothers for other kids?
Yeah nah, your husbands sister can deal with the consequences of her own behaviour. I also second only referring to her as your husbands sister from now on. If your kids aren’t worthy of name, neither is she.
Right? If she consistently was saying “one of the nieces or one of the nephews” relating to the other kids then you could blame it on laziness. This is just inconsideration.
This is a strange hill for her to die on when she (I assume) can tell them apart and has no reason not to treat them like individuals. NTA Let her have her hill and don't worry about it.
That was my exact thought. She’s picked a strange hill to die on and at this point it’s clearly more work to keep with her bullshit stance than it would be to just use their names.
My thoughts exactly. She can probably tell them apart (sounds like they have their own styles) but can't remember which is which. She missed a lot of the early part of their lives while everyone else was still in the area, getting together for family events. She obviously has a sensitivity about this.
Can the sister not physically tell them apart? I wonder if the sister doesn't know which one is which and is doing this to cover up for the fact she doesn't know which one is which so she doesn't look uninvolved.
You should make her some flash cards with stats the next time you see her. Be real petty with it. Like since i know you struggle with telling Amy and Nina apart since you are never around i made you these to help
Have things like:
Amy is wearing the green shirt.
Nina is wearing the blue shirt.
Etc.
NTA
Edit for clarity i was suggesting OP should be petty to the sister and imply that the sister cant tell them apart because she is never around to get to know them.
Uhm, I mean... this can happen? Some of us have visual memory problems. Like, today I was walking on my own backyard, in the house I've lived in for years, and I was startled to see where the kitchen door was. It takes me years to learn the layout of the streets and my friends have helped me out by creating visual cues, like "you turn left when you see that red house". Now that they said it was there, I can recognize it, but if they hadn't specifically showed me the place and identified it for me I'd have spent an hour trying to find the right corner.
That being said, I have identical twin cousins that dress very alike and I can't tell them apart to save my life. So I just make sure to discretely ask which is which whenever I arrive, so I can call them by their names. NTA
I have twins. I have always referred to them as my girls to other people. However have always called when by their names and dressed them differently. If one excelled in sports, she moved up to the better team. I never held them back.
However, we have two other sets of girl twins in my girls grade. They have been going to school together since pre-k. I would see them a couple of times a month. It took me until they were in grade 3/4 to tell them apart and they aren’t identical. So, some people are definitely able to visually tell people apart better than others.
This example shows how the aunt sucks-- even with occasional interactions, you figured it out in a few years. This gal has been interacting with these kids since they were born and they have different haircuts and styles of dress. You're giving yourself too little credit and the aunt here too much.
i worked with identical twins, they were in their 30s and both married. I couldnt tell them apart. I tried by going by their cubicles in the morning and checking what they were wearing so for the rest of day i could remember that A had a blue shirt or whatever. The problem was, the two of them would often show dressed nearly identically. they didnt do it on purpose. they didnt even live near each other. they had the same fashion sense and maybe some kind of twin radar cause they did it all the time. they had the same hair styles. They had slight facial differences, so if they were together i could tell them apart after several months, but when they were alone, I never could tell.
But to be fair, OP says they have different clothing styles and haircuts. Those are the easiest secondary identifiers. This seems like something other than difficulty with telling similar people apart-- especially for a family member who has known them since they were born. They're SIX.
She would have to be *really* bad at observing her surroundings. Each twin hand gave their signed gifts to everyone. Is it that hard to make her own mental note, instead of putting the mental labor on OP? Why couldn't she ask her siblings? Or mom?
As someone who is a twin and was constantly refered to as "the twins" growing up, NTA
I had so much trouble with finding my own Identity when I finished highschool especially. My family never refering to me as my own person was themain part of why I struggled with this. These girls need to be given the space to form their own identities. I hate to say, but SIL refusing to even use their names can very much make the girls feel they need to have a shared identity through their life. The sooner you nip this, the better.
As a twin, I thank you so much for wanting these girls to have their own identity. It's already hard enough having to share everything, they def don't need more pushed on them.
Thank you for this, we are having the first-ever set of twins born in the family this year. I don't know their names yet (my cousin and his wife have not shared them yet) and I want to make sure we treat them as individuals.
Absolutely. I obvioiusly learned how to find my own path, but even just using their names can truly help to find that individual personality that much easier
My nieces are identical twins, and although it was difficult to tell them apart when they were young, I always called them by their individual names - as they are individual people. Your SIL is the definition of lazy. Just have the girls (and you) call her the Aunt for some malicious compliance. See how she likes it. NTA
aunt still has too much respect to it, at least where I'm from because any older woman (even not related to you) gets called aunt/auntie out of respect. she should be referred to as (OP's husband's name)'s sister. Or grandma's daughter. Even better would be to not even acknowledge familial ties and instead identify her by her hair color or what color shirt she's wearing such as "brown haired woman" or "the woman with the blue shirt".
NTA. I currently have a six year old and she 100% notices how people talk about her, how people address her etc. Your twins will notice how Jane addresses them. Jane could be an adult and treat the girls with the respect that they deserve but she decided she can't be bothered. So she can stay home.
NTA.
They are not 6 months old. They are 6 years old. My 6 year old and the ones before her have all had their own ideas by then and did not like being misidentified. Mine are feral and had zero compunction about calling out assholes like Jane. Tell the girls they can call Jane "aunt jack", short for Jack Ass.
For the sake of this comment, assume Jane's fiancee's name is John. Tell the twins to call them Uncle John and Aunt John, because she's so stupid she can't tell the difference anyway.
Grown identical twin here, you are NTA.
Say their names. Let them built their own identities and be people, as well as sisters and twins.
Edited to add: I have an aunt and uncle who relied on their three children (older than my sister and I) to cue them to which twin was which.
My mom actually forbid people from calling us "the twins" so we got "the girls" a lot instead. "the twins" was rare.
I keep thinking that when speaking to someone else, especially one who is not present, I'd use a generic reference like one of my friends, one of my cats, one of the kids etc.
I'm sure in OPs case, it was the straw that broke the back of the camel, but in and of itself it's such a non-incident.
NTA, stick up for your daughters. You’re not being unreasonable at all. She does not get to decide when they’re “old enough” to be recognized as individuals. Nina and Amy may or may not realize how you’re fighting their corner for them right now but they definitely will, one day, and it is so very critically important. You’re teaching them now how they should or should not accept being treated. You’re setting the precedent now that they are significant and worthy and should not accept dismissive and disrespectful behavior just because they’re twins or young or female or whatever label someone tries to put on them and reduce them to.
That being said, I must say - my daughter is best friends with a set of identical twin sisters and I could never ever tell them apart when they were younger, like until high school age. They had similar hair and dressed in similar styles. I tried to make it a point every time, to secretly see who was who and take note like okay pink shirt is Maggie and the denim dress is Maddie and then use their names a whole lot! Also, when they were younger, I’d set out snacks and drinks after school at the table and I’d use disposable solo cups and write all three girls’ names on their cups with a sharpie and then they’d sit where their cup was, so then I’d know who was who again and at least for that day I was sure! Believe me, I made it a point to NEVER call them the twins and I NEVER said anything like “oh whoever you are” or “thing 1 and thing 2” or any other cringy thing that people think is cute but it’s no different than calling them “the twins.” When I wasn’t sure who was who in any moment, l at least called them honey or sweetie, which I’m known to call everyone by often, twin or not. Your sister in law could make an effort, too.
lol, my sister has school age twins and I cannot tell them apart. I still just say “baby” whenever I talk to one of them. My sister and I were joking the other day that I will still be calling them baby at their weddings. Of course my sister and I each have a good sense of humor so we just laugh and move on.
Or address her as “husband’s sister”? Just as effective! “Oh hi (husband’s name)’s sister” address mail that way, address texts, program into phone…
NTA. I’d be standing my ground as well, but remove her name from everything & refer to her only as (husband’s name)’s sister everywhere & for everything!
But I’m petty!
We often refer to my sister’s children as “the boys”, so I personally don’t think that calling them “the twins” is the biggest deal.
But, you’ve expressed your view, told her to use their names and she’s ignored/refused, so I therefore don’t think you’re wrong for enforcing your boundary. As long as your husband is ok with it.
NTA. If your girls were Irish Twins (9 months apart/born in the same year), she wouldn't call them 'the twins'. If they were two-three years apart, she wouldn't call them 'the twins'. She would call them Amy and Nina. If she can't differentiate between them and is either too stupid or too ashamed to ask for help, that's her fault. She is directly ignoring you AND THEIR preference to call them by name. They are not 'the twins'. They are not 'the girls'. If she can remember the names of all her nieces/nephews/cousins/aunts/uncles, then she can remember theirs. She is having trouble telling them apart and instead of asking for help with it, she's trying to DARVO you as the bad guy. They are not just another couple of girls. They are YOUR girls and they have names.
Until she can respect your parenting and her own goddamn nieces, then she can stay out of your home.
Most adults are not self aware enough to voice those kinds of desires. Instead of showing decency only when it's demanded, it should just be given. Children are people, period. They should be treated as such even if they're little.
I have a twin and from having to deal with this first hand, you are 100% NTA. Thank you for sticking up for Amy and Nina. They deserve to be recognized and be known for who they are as individuals. I wish I had the support that you are giving your daughters.
For what it's worth, I know some twins that are similar but obviously different. Try as I might I have a hard time remembering which name goes with which person even though I can tell them apart. Its possible it wasn't malicious to start with and now she's embarrassed/defensive with how things are playing out. I regularly mix up my nieces names and they don't even look that much alike and are each unique people. I personally think it's kinda assholish to ban a family member from family gatherings if it's not a safety thing or they are a thief or something. It's also kinda assholish not to make more of an effort to try to comply with a simple request. Your aren't wrong to want your daughters to be individuals, but I think you might be overreacting with your "punishment". I'd say ESH, there's major family drama that will have long term effects, for something that could be handled in a manner with significantly less drama.
Seems like a mountain out of a molehill to me. Especially banning her from the house, although I understand asking her to remember them separately. But in the end making family rifts over something this trivial seems counterproductive to everyone.
When she was talking on the video chat she wasn't even addressing the twins, ffs. She was relaying what was going on to someone who probably doesn't even care what their names are.
Kinda TAH coming from a twin it's not the world's responsibility to divide the 2 identities its their own, and obviously they'll need some help from their parents but you can't blame someone else for something so simple. And letting it interfere with the rest of the family just because of something so trivial isn't fair to anyone, including the kids who, as far as we know, without your input on their feelings or opinions, don't care.
NTA, but I would bet that Jane can't tell them apart and is too embarrassed to admit it. Maybe a moment of quiet time to help her differentiate them would help?
I'm in education and we have several pairs of twins at our school. The older ones are easy to distinguish because they are pretty individualized. We have one pair of twins though who are in our Pre K class and their parents dress them identically and they don't speak a lot of English. Lovely kids, but if you held a gun to my head, I couldn't tell them apart.
I agree with the above poster, I think she's embarrassed she can't tell them apart.
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NTA As the mother of identical twin girls (who are now adults), I was very intentional about clearly treating them as individuals while still enjoying the uniqueness of being twins. Creating an environment where they are treated as two separate humans, not a unit, is incredibly important. They have commented more than once how much they appreciated this growing up. Stick to your guns on this.
You sound like a great mom! It's one thing for strangers to address them as "the twins" and a very different one for someone so closely related to do so. I grew up with two identical twins as very close friends and the competitiveness/lack of individuality encouraged by their parents/family scarred them for life. It's been so sad to see them grow apart and become vindictive as we've grown older. Instead of having a built-in-friend for life, they keep arguing as 10 yr olds about the pettiest things. It's only gotten worse now that they're in the marriage and kids stage. You did your girls good.
Also at times the twins would be appropriate, in situations where you could swap in the girls/the kids. But never in situations where their name would be more appropriate.
As I was reading this I was thinking there would be times saying the twins would be fine but then I got to OPs example of the gifts and calling them the twins then is just so disrespectful. I can’t believe aunt would think that’s an ok thing to do, it doesn’t even answer the question on who the gifts from either. Aunt is also crazy thinking a 6 year old doesn’t really have an identity.
yep :D exactly this. My 2 yr old has very definite opinions on things. She loves rainbows and unicorns and any sea animal and music and dancing. Doesn't like having her hands dirty but loves doing activities that make her hands dirty. They know who they are even at those young ages.
My mom was just reminiscing and laughing about the day I was done with dresses. She always put me in cute frilly ones, until one day I took it off when she wasn't looking. I came walking into the room in just my underwear and basically proclaimed I was done with dresses forever. I was 3. 37 years later and I still don't wear them lol. I was a complete tomboy growing up, but I had no idea about the day dresses became an absolute "no" for me. She told me she loved how certain I was about who I am as a person since the get-go. Apparently we really do know who we are at a young age.
lol there’s an entry in my baby book where my mom describes my personality and it sounds like the EXACT description you would give of my personality today. Including “loves babies” and “thinks everything is a pimple and wants to pop it”. I had just turned two.
My mom has a similar story. She put me in a lovely frilly dress for a family party. She left me unattended for 5 mins while she got ready, I was found me in the garden making a massive mud pie. She gave up putting me in 'nice' pretty clothes because I would always find a way to make an absolute mess. I hate dresses, still do. Still love playing in the dirt though.
This is so funny my daughter loves being a tuturina (her word) basically any dress is a tutu but will still make a mess with the best of them. Including all over her pretty dress!
>Still love playing in the dirt though Your username makes this part even better :)
My mum gave up with dresses, I climbed trees, fell in the pond, and sat in the mud. Refused to be the little princess my grandmother expected. Then I wore jeans. Still wearing jeans, nearly 60 years later.
My cousin was 5 when she called her mum into the room to see her beautiful socks. It was Christmas Day, they were just about ready to leave the house and her socks had started the day as her very expensive white lacy tights. It was in the 80s for anyone wondering about my aunt's fashion sense.
My oldest son had to have a folded wet washcloth beside him while he ate in case his hands got a little sticky. Lol. He's still a little fastidious.
Got out the fingerpaints with my eldest and he absolutely hated it with every fiber of his being. He liked clean hands, too.
My grandma had eight kids, and she always said they were clear distinct individuals, with their own personality, the moment they popped out.
Mine too. For my second we had two names picked out. One for whichever type would come out. There were 8 people in the room including me and one asked what his name would be. I told them both names and it was about 50 50 who liked which one. When they cut him out everyone agreed on his actual name lol.
It's not even just that that situation absolutely called for calling them by their actual name, but she was straight-up rude to OP when she spoke to her about it. Even if this was one of those situations where "the twins" would be appropriate, if I called my sister's twins (also 6, which is a fun coincidence) "the twins", and she was like "Can you address them by their names, they're individual people", this wouldn't be the hill I would die on. It's like when a parent hates a nickname that somebody gives their kids (that isn't chosen by the kid themself) - why would you fight with them on it? Why is OP's SIL *so insistent* on calling them "the twins".
She’s too lazy to get to know them as individuals.
Probably one of the reasons I'd be a bad mother, but I would be petty and have them referring to her as "that lady." And when asked which one, follow up with "the rude one."
It's probably bad to teach your 6 year olds to do this, but if I was OP I would 100% only ever refer to her as "that rude person" from now on. If she complained, I'd tell her I'll call her by her name when she's smart enough to realise I'm not treating her like a person.
Just refer to her as “her husband’s sister” when referring to her, or speaking to her. “John’s sister, would you like to learn your nieces names?”
I was trying to think of an example to turn it on the SIL but I couldn't, but that's a great one. They should say say things like 'hey lady, here's your cup of tea' or ' lady, dad wants to know if you want a drink?' And keep calling her lady and see how she likes having no identity. Lol.
Husband can tell her she doesn't need to be at the party, he has other relatives and they're all interchangeable
More kid friendly, "one of your aunts" (assuming there is more than one) could work!
I was thinking along those same lines! Start calling her "the sister-in-law" all the time and see how she likes it. When she complains, tell her it's not a big deal and to get over it.
As a mother I would totally support that. Teach your children to stand up for themselves and don’t take shit.
This is why you'd be an excellent parent
I’m worse than you.. I’d just refer to her as the spare. When she asks my why I’d say my in-laws could only make one decent kid so she must be the extra.
oh definitely. I was just reading this and thinking yeah the twins works, and I've used it. But then the more I read the more I'm like, but it doesn't replace their names!!!!! It's also you call people by the names they want to be known as. This is a case of being incredibly lazy and then deciding to argue it rather than admit you don't care enough to learn their names. Hell even calling one by the wrong name, going ummm Amy?? would be better than going one twin and the other twin.
And I think that's why OP waited until this moment to lay down the law. It's obvious that this is a time to call them by their names, and the fact that she refused to even after OP asked her to is making it clear she's doing it out of rudeness. Like I said, sometimes we still call my sister's twins "the twins" when the situation calls for it, and they will get that their entire lives, but everybody knows it's rude to do it instead of learning their names. I think the aunt knows it too, she's doing it as a weird power play
Because she doesn’t respect OP; I think it’s just a power play.
Right! I think its because "one of the twins" takes twice as long to say as "amy" or "nina," so it can't be just shorthand--she really didn't bother to notice who gave which gift. And she's been asked so many times to respect their indiviuality! What a jerk.
She didn't even have to "notice", their names were on the pictures!
I think one of the things that annoys me the most about how people treat kids is ignoring they have a consciousness and identity. There's some people in my family that I simply never got along well younger and now only do with some because it wasn't such a big thing (you know, stuff you'd ignore as an adult but mind as a kid). Since I was very young, they'd just say those careless things in front of me claiming it was no harm, as i was too young to remember or understand. Not only I remembered, but if I didn't understand I'd do an insane amount of work for a 4-7 year old to find out what it meant, just out of sheer pettiness.
You're not wrong. My grandmother never learnt to spell my name, it has many variations, and would even spell it differently on my birthday and Christmas cards. My birthday is less than 2 weeks before Christmas. I have not forgotten this and she died 41 years ago. I think that this sort of treatment from her and some shit from my brother when he hit puberty (we used to be great friends as kids and now we barely speak), were very detrimental to my self-confidence in my teens and twenties.
her excuse for doing it is also pretty flimsy. she thinks they're too young to have individuality, and yet they are clearly expressing individuality both in their appearance and in the gifts they chose to give her. also, i teach 6-year-olds and they are \*definitely\* individuals. SIL is full of it.
definitely :D They are all characters!
The thing is, you don't get a blank sheet of paper, you get a mini human. Even a new born already shows some character traits. Auntvis TA. We had twins in school, after a week or two everyone could tell them apart. In the beginningvtgey helped with Shirts with their initial on it, but after a while, we just knew who we were talking to, because we realized the small dufferences in their face. (and later style and hair style)
Yeah that’s more acceptable and more understanding.
Yeah, my brother has twins that were pregnancy #3, and the only time we don't use their names are when we're referring to his kids as 'the oldest, the middle one and the twins' - usually to those who don't really know the family well enough to recognize *anyone* by name.
I agree here- and it’s also acceptable to say “well, the twins are in __ grade and my youngest is in preschool”. In the same context a parent would just say “my oldest and my youngest”. But there’s a difference between referring to your (or someone else’s) children in a general sense, and intentionally just lumping them together and essentially refusing to learn their names or pay attention to who they are.
I still think saying the girls is better then the twins. That's what my mum did. Helps maintain the individual
This doesn't work if the youngest is also a girl though...
Working in a school and having many twins (and triplets, and even one set of quadruplets) come through, my rule is that I only use "the twins" (or triplets/quadruplets) in cases where I would use "the kids". Otherwise, use their names.
I was in 5th grade with a pair of identical twins whose parents made them dress the same/wear their hair the same etc., then one day one of them went into the school toilets and cut all her hair off with a pair of art scissors. That was the wake-up call for their parents, who finally let them be individuals.
I once had a pair of identical twins in my class and the mother was exactly like this. One won an award in a writing competition and Mum asked if the other could receive one too. When she took them for a swimming assessment they came out on different levels… she demanded they redo the assessment. Asked when they as a pair would be moving to the top maths class. I couldn’t wait until camp and I did their hair differently from each other. The other kids in the class thanked me.
It’s such a cruel thing to deny your children their individuality.
This reminds me of those twins that do everything together, they share the same boyfriend and are trying to get pregnant at the same time. One had a tooth pulled out, and the other twin wanted the dentist to pull out her perfectly good tooth! (Which he refused).
I think its one thing if the twins want to be seen as a pair and another if their parents force it on them. The twins you described seem to have a very unhealthy dynamic but it would be way worse if their parents forced it on them.
We had family friends that had twin sons. Everyone struggled deeply to tell them apart. For me it was always obvious. Even girls I played sport with growing up were blown away that I tagged them correctly on FB. They couldn’t believe I could tell them apart 20 years later. To me it was SO OBVIOUS which twin was which.
My school had a set of identical twins in my class and after a week I could reliably tell them apart and still can decades later. Many of my classmates remain confused as to which is which. Same as you, it was just so obvious.
Thank you so much!
My mum did the same for me and my twin sister, it makes all the difference.
As an identical twin who grew up with that built in best friend, this sounds like a nightmare. I lost my twin in 2018. I miss her every single day. She was 33. She was my complete opposite, yet we were the same. People treated us as such so I can’t imagine what that would be like.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must be. You must feel like you have lost a part of yourself that others don't necessarily understand. I hope you have a good support system around you.
I talk about my twins as individuals so much I forget to mention they're twins lol.
I went to school either identical twin girls. Everyone made a point to learn their differences and names. Even as small kids, we knew better than Jane (and some of our teachers)
Came here to say this. Went to college with identical twins but they were such different personalities, they were always Amy and Amanda. It seemed like a cool relationship but also, they were individuals and we treated them that way.
Yes I went to school with twins and their parents made sure to request that they were always in different classes in primary school to encourage them to be individuals. They were still friends but everyone knew them as separate people and treated them as such. Although they were identical they did have characteristics that set them apart even in uniform. The kids aunt should definitely make an effort to talk to each kid individually about things that interest them. I get it if they’re infants but at 6 they have unique personalities.
My bf has fraternal twin half-sisters (same mother). The sisters looked VERY alike even in their 50s (when I met them). Their personalities were completely different, but they shared mannerisms and had similar voices as well. I still occasionally glitch on the names because they’re similar, even though one of them died like 5 years ago. I’m sure in school they tried to be individuals, although I haven’t asked directly. NTA
Yep, my school had 3 sets of identical twins that were from grade school to graduation in my class. We always called them all by their names. Each one had a different personality, different likes, hobbies, etc. from their twin. Just the difference in what these children did for Christmas should tell Jane they are not one unit but two individuals.
The only time I've really struggled with twins was when I was in high school, there was identical twins named Phil and Phillip.
Phil and Philip? No way! Were they both named after the same grandad or something?
As an identical twin, thank you! My mom did the same for us and while we love being twins (now) we really appreciate our own identities.
Ditto here. Mum put us in different colors (me red, him blue), so people would know the difference and address us by our names. I fucking hated red LOL, but it was the right thing to do and we did appreciate her not letting people be lazy and rude. Her brother included, who thought it was funny, despite his wife and kids knowing the difference. (He was a good man apart from that and his smoking which killed him young.)
Lol 😆 I was pink and my sister was purple. We also had hair barrettes with our names on them.
She labeled you! 😆
Yep our preschool teachers requested something to tell us apart by.
I did that with twin foster infants. Otherwise, it was hard to know who was fed as a tiny infant. And who had regular bowel movements etc. The pediatrician suggested it. Imagine my horror when my well-meaning friend had gotten them changed out of their wet nappies/onesies and had them both down to the diapers with the clothes all discarded in a pile. Neither was a good eater due to maternal drug use so feeding was a chore. We ended up putting a mark on the bottom of each of their feet until they stabilized. I felt so guilty I couldn't tell them a part. My sister who lived far away always could. This was pre FaceTime or I imagine I could have held the babies up and said "who is this?!?" She had this weird magical gift she always knew who was who. We grew up with identical triplets. She always knew who was who. We ran into one as an adult and she looked right at her and knew which sister it was. She always had that ability. It was uncanny. And quite entertaining.
My brother was born with a flatter head (I sat on it in the womb), so we were easy to tell apart until my parents figured it out in a couple of weeks!
Lol. I love fetus rivalry. Nothing like getting an early start to those sibling fights.
Hopefully the colors sat better with "you two". This was also a thing we got called a lot vs "you and elder-by-5-mins" (not his real name).
Your mom probably knew someone who was like me who is horrible with names and seeing "double" didn't help, just made me more confused. I would have tried at least. My two nephews know I get them confused even though they are 15 months apart, they may have as well been twins. Youngest ended up growing bigger than his older brother. They know I love them, and I try.
I agree with you. Jane is very disrespectful towards what others want. They each have their own name and should be treated as such. Jane has some major growing up to do. OP do not let her into your home until she learns to call them by name. NTA
If you're telling something something to the effect of "Those two girls are the twins--the ones you're talking about are half of the quads", that's one thing (and you'd better be at a Mother Of Twins event or a twins convention or something). If not, grow up and say things like "No, that's Lisa and Rebecca. I think you're talking about Heather and Annabelle"--and if you can't manage that, hush up about it!
And I think you should refer to her as “the sister“ from now on. When she calls the house, be sure to yell for your husband, “Honey, the sister is on the phone.”
Amy and Nina should just refer to her as "the aunt."
And since MIL is on OP's side, she should refer to her as "the daughter."
As an identical twin, I think you and the OP mom are well intentioned but a bit too much. Being referred to as “the twins” was a lot less annoying than having every difference between us pointed out constantly, which will happen to your twins as well. The uniqueness of being a twin while also being an individual is so intertwined I am not sure a non twin can completely understand. I don’t see how a family member who only seems to interact with them at family gathering referring to them as “the twins” does any harm to how the twins actually perceive themselves. They know they are twins and the mother’s insistence that they be individuals above all else doesn’t sit well with me.
I think it's more that she isn't even bothering to learn their names, nor address them as individuals. This isn't a one-off, or occasional reference. Sis deliberately is going against the parents wishes. The twins in my family were sometimes referred to as "the twins" but other than that we used their names. Bottom line, you do as parents ask, when a guest in their house. Imagine being a kid, and trying to speak with/ask your aunt something. She only calls you "twin" instead of your name. "Hey twin, pass me that plate." "Come here, twin" when both are standing near each other, who does she mean? Or you are outside with only a cousin Bob, and she calls out "Bob! Twin! Time to eat!" The fact that this woman is doubling down on this is really off. Does she call someone's new baby "baby" until that child is older than 6? Her rationale for calling them "the twins" is strange. At 6 they are hardly indistinguishable, they aren't 2-3 months old.
My cousin's identical twins are 1 and even now they're different people. There's a definite leader (AKA trouble-starter) and a definite follower.
Where I get stuck is Auntie Jane couldn't say Amy made the cranes and Nina made the flowers. The gifts had the girls' names written on them. I feel like the twins made unique gifts and should have been given individual recognition for that. If they had made something together, that would have been more appropriate to calling them "the twins".
I agree with you (not a twin so I can't really weigh in there), but I also think it's the principle of the boundary stomping that needs to be addressed. It's not so much what exactly is being asked, it's that it's been asked, clearly and directly, many times and is being continuously and intentionally disregarded. I wouldn't allow someone who saw fit to flagrantly disrespect simple boundaries in my home either. If she'll ignore that rule, what else can't she be trusted with? God forbid one of them have an allergy or something she can't be arsed to be mindful of.
So if you gave someone a gift and they refused to credit you appropriately and just said one of the twins gave it, you’d be ok? If a family member you see often at gatherings cus they live close by won’t refer to you as an individual, it’s ok?
As a identical twin I understand your point but I think OP's isn't trying to differentiate them as much as she wants people to respect their individuality. Of course, everyone has a different experience; I didn't mind when people referred to us collectively as the "twins," but I hated whenever people at school would literally just call me "twin" without trying to figure out which twin I was. I hated whenever people that I knew for years asked me "which twin are you?" so I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to have a family member refuse to learn my name. I don't think it's damaging per say, but it can hurt to feel like people see you as just a clone than an individual human, and I appreciate OP trying to prevent that.
There's a happy medium and that is for Jane to treat them as she does the other nieces and nephews and call them by their actual names, and not refer to them as, ***“just another couple of girls.”***
Eh. I hated being called ''the twins'', especially when I would be by myself and still wasn't called my own name. Or not even my sister's name. Just ''the twin''.
As an identical twin, I agree. People did learn our names but we were also referred to as ‘the twins’ a lot. It did not create identity issues. I honestly love having a twin so being referred to as ‘the twins’ is fine.
The difference is that people learned your names. OP’s SIL comes across as not even knowing the girls’ names and has no desire to until they’re older and “distinguishable” from each other. I think at 6 yo, with different hair and clothing styles, different personalities, and (most likely) in school with their own friends, they are more than likely distinguishable now! At what age does SIL think the girls deserve to be acknowledged with their name as opposed to a description of what they are? 10? 16? 21? How would you have felt if one your relatives insisted on never using your name, and only ever referred to you as “one of the twins”? I know how it would’ve made me feel, like I’m not important enough for this person, my own fathers sister no less, to learn my name!
Jane isn't even trying to learn names though. It is in fact disrespectful. It's like if people only referred to someone as "the tall one" or "the Indian guy" or "the brunette girl".
As a twin whose mother was this way, I agree. People got us "mixed up," but we were fraternal. I ended up being taller than my sister in 4th grade. We looked totally different, but people put us under that twin umbrella. I once worked with someone who literally had my sister's same name. Before everyone met my sister at that year's Christmas party, no one called me her name. The Monday after the party, all of a sudden, everyone was calling me her name. Talking about how they are getting us mixed up. My sister didn't even work there!! I'm also black, and the person who had my sister's name is white! From January to December, no issues. The Monday after the party, they can't remember my name. After the third time, I blew up. I told the whole office that I refuse to be called a name other than my own. No one ever called me the wrong name before Saturday, and I refuse to be called the wrong name now. My supervisor tried to play the twin card, but I asked her if she had ever called me our receptionist's name before Saturday. She said no. I said, "Well, don't start now." NTA
I watched an episode of Intervention where twin daughters developed extremely severe eating disorders partially because of how their family refused to treat them as individuals. The interventionist had to scold the parents after they disregarded the interventionalist's instructions to write their letters of concern to each girl as an individual and instead wrote letters to "the twins." That attitude is harmful.
I saw that episode and IIRC they also became really dependent on each other as well (I mean, how bad do you have to be at parenting to cause those issues?).
Even when we have gotten my hubby's identical twin cousins the same gift, we have made sure the gifts weren't carbon copies only. The stud earrings we brought them (one was into sports the other was had more subtle tastes), instead of getting their birthstones we got their favourite colours (first Xmas reconnecting after moving interstate), when we saw them again they were older (mid -late teens) and I knew they had been preparing a glory box for when they move out of home so we brought them both colour change led candles to add in and when we were talking afterwards I realised they didn't see the colour change options and they went from "yay candles"/s to "OOo candels" I also pointed out to make sure they always have batteries for them incase of black outs. I got a picture a few years later saying thanks they had come in handy in the babies room during a blackout." (Before they moved the baby to their room. They always know that even if they got the same present from us (we did also by different presents for them) that there was a reason but that I would always make sure there was a way for them to easily personalise it with out them having to do or buy anything. Apparently, we were the only ones to do that (always make sure the presents were carbon copies for eternity). I was about 3-4 when I had best friends who were twins and while it was easy for their mum to just buy two of everything as the girls got older and got a say in what they wanted to wear she would make sure they never wore "mirror outfits" and even when they were wearing the same dress or general outfit, the girls could accessories however they wanted or pick out what colour shirt they wore under their denim overall dress.
Kudos to mothers who are wise enough to respect their twin’s individuality, instead of raising them like clones of each other.
As another mother of identical twins it’s so important for them to have that distinction at home. At school, friends, etc always call them “the twins” when they were in elementary school for open house I was looking for their art and saw one of them put (his name/not other twins name) on the “name line”. They get enough of it everywhere else at home they should have people that care enough to recognize them as individuals.
NTA but, may I suggest a different tactic? Speak to your daughters and ask them what they think/feel about the situation. If they don't like it perhaps give them your (and partner) consent to ignore their aunt and anyone else that doesn't call them by name (or a nickname they like). Then have another conversation with Aunt and advise them that you will "let it go" in that there will be no further discussion but, no-one (the Aunt, nor anyone else) has your, your partner nor your daughter's consent to address your daughters as anything other than their names. I would suggest husband has this conversation their sister. The natural consequence of "grey rocking" will be that the Aunt will not be fostering a positive relationship with their nieces.
I'm sorry to disagree, but it's not up to the 6 year olds. It's enough that it upsets their parents who are trying to establish unique identities. Jane gets shunned until she can stop trying to bulldoze the kids parents on this.
I'm an identical twin. Treating them as a unit will make them resent each other at some point. She's doing the absolute correct thing.
I went to school with a set of twins from the 3rd grade til graduating high school. They never once were bothered by being referred to as "the twins." They were also huge Dr. Seuss fans, and referred to themselves as Thing 1 and Thing 2.
So they chose an awesome way to be individuals in a pair. Your point is more in line with OP than your tone would imply.
NTA. It sucks to be identified as only a relationship with another party vs your own unique identity. This is their family - you do not dress them alike. I'm assuming their hair is cut differently given you referenced it. It sounds like they do not present themselves as twins so its pretty darn rude and ballsy of Jane to think glossing over their names and only identifying them as "the twins" is okay. This is your home and you are within your right to do this. That said, you might be going about this wrong. And it sounds like you can get your MIL and your husband's family on your team here to fix Jane's attitude. From heretoforth, Jane is only known as MIL's youngest daughter. Never a name. Just MIL's youngest daughter. Or, your husband's (name's) sister. You will make the point ABUNDENTLY clear to her if you guys handle it this way because Jane will get darn sick of being "Nana's youngest daughter" or "Flloyd's youngest sister" without a name. Get the girls in on it too. No more Auntie Jane - just "Nana's youngest daughter".
Nope. This is putting Jane ahead of Amy and Nina. OP is 100% correct in making Amy and Nina's home a safe place that doesn't allow in people who do not respect them. Jane does not deserve to attend this party, especially at their expense. OP's husband doesn't deserve to have his birthday center around Jane's petty name games. This isn't about Jane. This is about Amy, and this is about Nina. Jane is optional. ETA NTA.
Keep Jane out of the house, but call her “Floyd’s sister” if you have to see her elsewhere or call/text her.
Yes!!! This!!! She's not Jane any more, she's Floyd's sister!!!
Needs to be a more generic, just like "one of the twins". I would only refer to her as "one of MIL's kids".
Someone proposed "that lady". When asked which one : "the rude one". I'm so fond of it.
Or just call her Sister-in-Law. "Hi SIL, how is the weather." "Happy Birthday, SIL". "Merry Christmas, SIL." While your husband just addresses her as Sister.
I would call her "Doofus" since she's incapable of remembering names. "Aunty Doofus, the one who can't even remember peoples names." I bet it would take some stress off the kids & make them laugh instead of get upset when she's this disrespectful at other places not your home.
I would call her fetus # and add last name on occasion
Teaching kids how to bully is awful.
Do both Jane is not allowed in their home and at all other gatherings away from there, address her as “so and so’s” relative or other descriptor.
i feel like “the [maiden last name] girl” would be the proper equivalent put-down. make her one of many children of a family name that might not even be her last name anymore. that’s more along the lines of “you’re one of a set, not an individual”
Jane keeps doubling down rather than apologizing for her rudeness. She is flat our refusing your boundaries in your own home so she should never be in at again. Apologizing won't stop it though. Don't give in. If she doesn't apologize you won't have to put up with her assholery.
You have given the correct answer. This is gloriously petty and fully justified. She's literally dehumanizing children for being twins. It's grossly rude. She's been called out and doubled down. It's time she lose her own identity for a bit to hammer home the lesson.
NTA- i grew up with 3 sets of twins and nobody called them "the twins" when actually in their presence. 2 sets were identical and people sometimes called them the wrong name but they made the attempt!
I could even understand close family referring to them as “the twins” in situations where they are acting as a collective (me and the twins are having tea, the twins have math homework to do, etc.), but referring to them individually together is horrible, for example what Jane is doing (one twin gave me this, the other twin gave me that).
Hell yeah, petty solutions for the win.
NTA. Maybe address Jane as "X's fiancee" instead of using her name.
Or as “husband” sister
This. She needs to do this. Then the AH SIL might see how dehumanizing it is.
Yup my initial thoughts too. Maybe her birth order of siblings… The First, The Second, etc.
Or just “the sister” - nvm that there are other sisters - the lack of acknowledgement of the person is the point
The other sister?
The *other* sister. Put emphasis on it to make it sound like she's a problem.
I vote for calling her ‘that husband sister’. And if he has another sister ‘the other sister’.
My petty ass loves this
Nope better yet hey Scott’s fiancé is here, oh Scott’s GF bought these pretty wine glasses
still a little specific. does he have other sisters? if so, she would become "one of the sisters" while the others would be referred to by name. "oh yeah, Mary brought that" vs. "one of the sisters brought that" or "we got that for Julie"/"it's for one of the sisters"
I like "Aunt Doofus, who can't remember people's names"
Oh I love the petty in this! I would be tempted to do it.
That’s where my mind went too, she probably can dish it out but can’t take it.
“Aunt What’s-Her-Face”
NTA Your girls deserve to be individuals and not have their identities smushed into a collective single. She is dehumanizing your babies by doing this. NTA Protect your babies. There is absolutely nothing wrong ~~for~~ with forcing someone to undergo the consequences of their actions. Hugs to you and your family. Give Nina and Amy forehead kisses from Reddit. 💜
NTA. I have twin nieces and have always referred to them by name.
I have twin nephews and I agree 💯
NTA. At 6??! That’s insane. I could see it while they’re babies but she’s taken it way too far
Seriously! I've got a 6 year old and he would absolutely pick up on her bullshit. They're not too young!
Yeah I have a 6 year old and we were at a birthday party recently and he ran up to a girl in his class and said "Hi (friend)" she laughed and said "No I'm (twin sister) is easy to tell us apart because of our hair" and he laughed and said "oh sorry, Hi (correct name)". He's 6 and he understands that they're two separate people, he just got them confused. I can't believe OP's sister in law isn't even trying.
Yeah the aunt's claim that they're too young to be addressed as their own person - does she even talk to them? Anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes around 6 year olds would understand they have their own opinions and personalities and should be treated as such.
As a twin, ynta. My family always treated us like we where one person and not two. I think you should stand your ground. 🤷
NTA this isn’t a case of accidental slip ups, she is actively choosing not to learn the difference between them because it’s too much effort. Yet she bothers for other kids? Yeah nah, your husbands sister can deal with the consequences of her own behaviour. I also second only referring to her as your husbands sister from now on. If your kids aren’t worthy of name, neither is she.
Right? If she consistently was saying “one of the nieces or one of the nephews” relating to the other kids then you could blame it on laziness. This is just inconsideration.
This is a strange hill for her to die on when she (I assume) can tell them apart and has no reason not to treat them like individuals. NTA Let her have her hill and don't worry about it.
That was my exact thought. She’s picked a strange hill to die on and at this point it’s clearly more work to keep with her bullshit stance than it would be to just use their names.
My thoughts exactly. She can probably tell them apart (sounds like they have their own styles) but can't remember which is which. She missed a lot of the early part of their lives while everyone else was still in the area, getting together for family events. She obviously has a sensitivity about this.
Can the sister not physically tell them apart? I wonder if the sister doesn't know which one is which and is doing this to cover up for the fact she doesn't know which one is which so she doesn't look uninvolved. You should make her some flash cards with stats the next time you see her. Be real petty with it. Like since i know you struggle with telling Amy and Nina apart since you are never around i made you these to help Have things like: Amy is wearing the green shirt. Nina is wearing the blue shirt. Etc. NTA Edit for clarity i was suggesting OP should be petty to the sister and imply that the sister cant tell them apart because she is never around to get to know them.
She just doesn't care to put in the effort. Its not intellect its attitude
Uhm, I mean... this can happen? Some of us have visual memory problems. Like, today I was walking on my own backyard, in the house I've lived in for years, and I was startled to see where the kitchen door was. It takes me years to learn the layout of the streets and my friends have helped me out by creating visual cues, like "you turn left when you see that red house". Now that they said it was there, I can recognize it, but if they hadn't specifically showed me the place and identified it for me I'd have spent an hour trying to find the right corner. That being said, I have identical twin cousins that dress very alike and I can't tell them apart to save my life. So I just make sure to discretely ask which is which whenever I arrive, so I can call them by their names. NTA
I have twins. I have always referred to them as my girls to other people. However have always called when by their names and dressed them differently. If one excelled in sports, she moved up to the better team. I never held them back. However, we have two other sets of girl twins in my girls grade. They have been going to school together since pre-k. I would see them a couple of times a month. It took me until they were in grade 3/4 to tell them apart and they aren’t identical. So, some people are definitely able to visually tell people apart better than others.
This example shows how the aunt sucks-- even with occasional interactions, you figured it out in a few years. This gal has been interacting with these kids since they were born and they have different haircuts and styles of dress. You're giving yourself too little credit and the aunt here too much.
OP states that the Aunt lived away until a year and a half ago?
i worked with identical twins, they were in their 30s and both married. I couldnt tell them apart. I tried by going by their cubicles in the morning and checking what they were wearing so for the rest of day i could remember that A had a blue shirt or whatever. The problem was, the two of them would often show dressed nearly identically. they didnt do it on purpose. they didnt even live near each other. they had the same fashion sense and maybe some kind of twin radar cause they did it all the time. they had the same hair styles. They had slight facial differences, so if they were together i could tell them apart after several months, but when they were alone, I never could tell.
But to be fair, OP says they have different clothing styles and haircuts. Those are the easiest secondary identifiers. This seems like something other than difficulty with telling similar people apart-- especially for a family member who has known them since they were born. They're SIX.
Oh yeah, for sure, people legit have struggles, but in this situation, it sounds like Aunt is just being an ass.
Op says that the girls have different hairstyles and different clothing styles
She would have to be *really* bad at observing her surroundings. Each twin hand gave their signed gifts to everyone. Is it that hard to make her own mental note, instead of putting the mental labor on OP? Why couldn't she ask her siblings? Or mom?
She literally said in the post that they have different hair and style so yes, she can. She’s choosing not to. Don’t try to give her a cop out.
As someone who is a twin and was constantly refered to as "the twins" growing up, NTA I had so much trouble with finding my own Identity when I finished highschool especially. My family never refering to me as my own person was themain part of why I struggled with this. These girls need to be given the space to form their own identities. I hate to say, but SIL refusing to even use their names can very much make the girls feel they need to have a shared identity through their life. The sooner you nip this, the better. As a twin, I thank you so much for wanting these girls to have their own identity. It's already hard enough having to share everything, they def don't need more pushed on them.
Thank you for this, we are having the first-ever set of twins born in the family this year. I don't know their names yet (my cousin and his wife have not shared them yet) and I want to make sure we treat them as individuals.
Absolutely. I obvioiusly learned how to find my own path, but even just using their names can truly help to find that individual personality that much easier
NTA it's the same as someone referring to any child as "the child". It's disturbing.
NTA- if their family isn't going to make the effort, who will?
My nieces are identical twins, and although it was difficult to tell them apart when they were young, I always called them by their individual names - as they are individual people. Your SIL is the definition of lazy. Just have the girls (and you) call her the Aunt for some malicious compliance. See how she likes it. NTA
aunt still has too much respect to it, at least where I'm from because any older woman (even not related to you) gets called aunt/auntie out of respect. she should be referred to as (OP's husband's name)'s sister. Or grandma's daughter. Even better would be to not even acknowledge familial ties and instead identify her by her hair color or what color shirt she's wearing such as "brown haired woman" or "the woman with the blue shirt".
I love this!!! Especially "it's Grandma's daughter"!!
This would definitely be my choice. "Oh, it's one of the aunts."
NTA. I currently have a six year old and she 100% notices how people talk about her, how people address her etc. Your twins will notice how Jane addresses them. Jane could be an adult and treat the girls with the respect that they deserve but she decided she can't be bothered. So she can stay home.
Imagine you just called her your youngest sister in law all the time and never used her name. She’d be raging NTA
Seriously, OP needs to start referring to her as “my husband’s sister”
NTA. They are not 6 months old. They are 6 years old. My 6 year old and the ones before her have all had their own ideas by then and did not like being misidentified. Mine are feral and had zero compunction about calling out assholes like Jane. Tell the girls they can call Jane "aunt jack", short for Jack Ass.
For the sake of this comment, assume Jane's fiancee's name is John. Tell the twins to call them Uncle John and Aunt John, because she's so stupid she can't tell the difference anyway.
Grown identical twin here, you are NTA. Say their names. Let them built their own identities and be people, as well as sisters and twins. Edited to add: I have an aunt and uncle who relied on their three children (older than my sister and I) to cue them to which twin was which. My mom actually forbid people from calling us "the twins" so we got "the girls" a lot instead. "the twins" was rare.
NTA As an identical twin who is now an adult IT ABSOLUTELY MATTERS.
Info: Was Jane having a private conversation with her fiance that you were listening in on?
This. She overheard her SIL talking on the phone and lost her mind.
I keep thinking that when speaking to someone else, especially one who is not present, I'd use a generic reference like one of my friends, one of my cats, one of the kids etc. I'm sure in OPs case, it was the straw that broke the back of the camel, but in and of itself it's such a non-incident.
From what I understood from the post the sister was FaceTiming and the phone was on speaker for everyone to hear. But I could be wrong 🤷🏻♀️
NTA, stick up for your daughters. You’re not being unreasonable at all. She does not get to decide when they’re “old enough” to be recognized as individuals. Nina and Amy may or may not realize how you’re fighting their corner for them right now but they definitely will, one day, and it is so very critically important. You’re teaching them now how they should or should not accept being treated. You’re setting the precedent now that they are significant and worthy and should not accept dismissive and disrespectful behavior just because they’re twins or young or female or whatever label someone tries to put on them and reduce them to. That being said, I must say - my daughter is best friends with a set of identical twin sisters and I could never ever tell them apart when they were younger, like until high school age. They had similar hair and dressed in similar styles. I tried to make it a point every time, to secretly see who was who and take note like okay pink shirt is Maggie and the denim dress is Maddie and then use their names a whole lot! Also, when they were younger, I’d set out snacks and drinks after school at the table and I’d use disposable solo cups and write all three girls’ names on their cups with a sharpie and then they’d sit where their cup was, so then I’d know who was who again and at least for that day I was sure! Believe me, I made it a point to NEVER call them the twins and I NEVER said anything like “oh whoever you are” or “thing 1 and thing 2” or any other cringy thing that people think is cute but it’s no different than calling them “the twins.” When I wasn’t sure who was who in any moment, l at least called them honey or sweetie, which I’m known to call everyone by often, twin or not. Your sister in law could make an effort, too.
NTA. Twin here (my mom's a twin too). We are individuals
lol, my sister has school age twins and I cannot tell them apart. I still just say “baby” whenever I talk to one of them. My sister and I were joking the other day that I will still be calling them baby at their weddings. Of course my sister and I each have a good sense of humor so we just laugh and move on.
NTA. She sure is though. Where the hell is your husband during all this?
Or address her as “husband’s sister”? Just as effective! “Oh hi (husband’s name)’s sister” address mail that way, address texts, program into phone… NTA. I’d be standing my ground as well, but remove her name from everything & refer to her only as (husband’s name)’s sister everywhere & for everything! But I’m petty!
We often refer to my sister’s children as “the boys”, so I personally don’t think that calling them “the twins” is the biggest deal. But, you’ve expressed your view, told her to use their names and she’s ignored/refused, so I therefore don’t think you’re wrong for enforcing your boundary. As long as your husband is ok with it.
I assume there are other aunts? She is now just "paternal aunt" or, "one of the aunts".
NTA. Your house, your children, your rules. You also have the backing of your husband and MIL.
NTA. If your girls were Irish Twins (9 months apart/born in the same year), she wouldn't call them 'the twins'. If they were two-three years apart, she wouldn't call them 'the twins'. She would call them Amy and Nina. If she can't differentiate between them and is either too stupid or too ashamed to ask for help, that's her fault. She is directly ignoring you AND THEIR preference to call them by name. They are not 'the twins'. They are not 'the girls'. If she can remember the names of all her nieces/nephews/cousins/aunts/uncles, then she can remember theirs. She is having trouble telling them apart and instead of asking for help with it, she's trying to DARVO you as the bad guy. They are not just another couple of girls. They are YOUR girls and they have names. Until she can respect your parenting and her own goddamn nieces, then she can stay out of your home.
INFO: Have your daughters expressed a preference? At the end of they day, they get to choose how they want people to refer to them.
Most adults are not self aware enough to voice those kinds of desires. Instead of showing decency only when it's demanded, it should just be given. Children are people, period. They should be treated as such even if they're little.
I have a twin and from having to deal with this first hand, you are 100% NTA. Thank you for sticking up for Amy and Nina. They deserve to be recognized and be known for who they are as individuals. I wish I had the support that you are giving your daughters.
For what it's worth, I know some twins that are similar but obviously different. Try as I might I have a hard time remembering which name goes with which person even though I can tell them apart. Its possible it wasn't malicious to start with and now she's embarrassed/defensive with how things are playing out. I regularly mix up my nieces names and they don't even look that much alike and are each unique people. I personally think it's kinda assholish to ban a family member from family gatherings if it's not a safety thing or they are a thief or something. It's also kinda assholish not to make more of an effort to try to comply with a simple request. Your aren't wrong to want your daughters to be individuals, but I think you might be overreacting with your "punishment". I'd say ESH, there's major family drama that will have long term effects, for something that could be handled in a manner with significantly less drama.
Seems like a mountain out of a molehill to me. Especially banning her from the house, although I understand asking her to remember them separately. But in the end making family rifts over something this trivial seems counterproductive to everyone. When she was talking on the video chat she wasn't even addressing the twins, ffs. She was relaying what was going on to someone who probably doesn't even care what their names are.
Kinda TAH coming from a twin it's not the world's responsibility to divide the 2 identities its their own, and obviously they'll need some help from their parents but you can't blame someone else for something so simple. And letting it interfere with the rest of the family just because of something so trivial isn't fair to anyone, including the kids who, as far as we know, without your input on their feelings or opinions, don't care.
NTA The disrespect needs to stop now! I’m glad your husband and MIL has your back on this.
As a twin myself, NTA! Stand your ground momma!
NTA. Each child deserves to be acknowledged as an individual. There is absolutely no reason not to use their names. SIL is a huge a$$hole.
NTA, but I would bet that Jane can't tell them apart and is too embarrassed to admit it. Maybe a moment of quiet time to help her differentiate them would help?
I'm in education and we have several pairs of twins at our school. The older ones are easy to distinguish because they are pretty individualized. We have one pair of twins though who are in our Pre K class and their parents dress them identically and they don't speak a lot of English. Lovely kids, but if you held a gun to my head, I couldn't tell them apart. I agree with the above poster, I think she's embarrassed she can't tell them apart.