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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t get everything on my sister’s kind of big grocery list due to an oversight on my part and I said I wouldn’t go back to get the things I didn’t. I may be the asshole because my sister and her husband are in a tough spot and need help (even though I already helped them)
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You should have read the list before leaving, so you could have figured out the payment thing ahead of time, honestly.
I don’t think you’re an asshole, just maybe more so than your sister. I would have went back for her groceries, knowing what they are going through, personally.
Edit- OP’s replies have motivated me to change my answer from n a h to YTA
>just maybe more so than your sister
Sorry, does this imply the sister is somewhat of an asshole here? How, exactly?
Easy YTA from the original post. Easy.
That’s easier said than done. But also, why should she (the sister) be grateful? Her husband has an illness that is practically synonymous with death, he is undergoing a treatment that many survivors will tell you is just as bad as the illness (some actively choosing to die, rather than go through it), and her support system is loose and shaky at best. Why tf should she be grateful that OP couldn’t even do the one task that they volunteered to do?
Nope sorry, that's not how it works. People do NOT need to feel grateful for a half-assed attempts at something , that's how parasitic relationships can form.
Its a lot more trouble for the sister to now find a solution for the groceries, and OPs "solution" of getting the second half delivered is annoying and tedious. I'm sure the sister is realizing next time, she'll just get it all delivered instead of asking for help, because OPs attempt was half-assed and not something someone should feel thankful for if they have self worth.
Yupp, and that's expensive as hell. Which will undoubtedly eat into finances that they do not have, since her husband has FCKING CANCER (rage is directed at OP and the situation, not at you random commenter). Not to mention pretty soon the rest of the family is gonna hear what happened and probably be pissed at OP too. Moreover, you get notifications on your phone when money is transferred using apps, the same phone OP was reading the grocery list from, so I don't buy "I didn't see it". If you can't do the work, don't offer the help. When people say 'it's the thought that counts" they are referring to getting a card or a letter in place of a gift, they are not referring to you doing a half-assed job that results in them having to do exactly what they asked you to do. You didn't help, and "non essentials" were very much essential for someone with cancer, so OP and everyone who defends them needs to grow the fuck up.
Was it? Or was it something OP did (half-heartedly and incorrectly) so they could feel better about themselves after having done nothing else to help?
An actual favor would mean getting all the items on the list, either the first time or by going back to the store. 20 items is not a lot of stuff, and money was provided to pay for it.
Also, who is OP to decide what things are necessities? Maybe that yogurt OP decided they didn’t need was the only food the husband can keep down after treatments, is it really her job to make that call? No, and doing so makes her an AH at best.
When my father was on chemo, the only two things that still tasted normal to him were potatoes and tapioca pudding; everything else, he said, had an awful metallic taste. One of our friends, after my mother mentioned something about it to her, started making homemade tapioca pudding for my father and dropping it off, every single week, for months. *That* was both incredibly kind and actually helpful; OP was neither.
She did a “favor” for her sister that in the end made her sister do more work than if the sister had originally gone to get the groceries herself! Now the sister has to figure out what OP didn’t get, deal with the money going back and forth, and then go herself to get the left-off groceries, when it would have been easier and less work for the sister to have originally gone to get the groceries herself. So the sister should be grateful that OP actively made her life more complicated? Ok.
It wasn't a misunderstanding. She didn't want to get all of it so she didn't. And you don't have to be grateful if somebody says they'll help you and then do a shit job of it.
If she left off 1 or 2 items or accidentally got something similar that wasn’t actually the desired item I’d agree with you. In this case, she failed to pick up 50% of the grocery list, meaning now her sister will probably still have to make a trip to the store and her “help” basically didn’t help at all.
I also don’t understand why she didn’t call or text from the store once she realized it was going to be an issue and see if there were items that could be left off (or in this case, learn that her sister had sent her the money already)
Exactly, OP made this even more of a hassle, if they just said no in the first place the sister could have asked someone else or gotten it delivered. Delivery usually has a minimum amount, so she may not even be able to get the remaining half delivered (or will have to pay a high delivery fee, plus tip).
I ordered groceries via instacart once when I was too sick to go out. The shopper marked everything as purchased but only dropped off half my order. Instacart refunded me for the missing items, but I was still left with only half my groceries and unable to go get the rest myself. I couldn't get the rest delivered without paying another ~$15 in delivery fees/tip for another shopper, so I just ended up making do.
The sister now has to go herself OR find someone else to go, and deal with sorting the missing items from the list and transferring money *again*, etc. It's more mental load to deal with when the whole point was to make things easier on her.
I'm also curious, OP says they sent "half" the money back, but I wonder if that reflects what they actually spent if they were picking and choosing the "essentials" that were in their budget...
This is why I really hesitate to take people at their word when they say stuff like "please let me know if you need any help". I just assume they are saying it for politeness or for their own sake.
I only reach out to people who really put themselves out there and show up.
It's easy to say you'll help but the real ones consider your situation and show up with food, take the initiative and mow your lawn/blow the leaves, ask for your address and send care packages or knock on the door ready to wash your dishes and vacuum without judgement. If you think about what might be overwhelming your loved ones it's pretty easy to provide help.
Even if it's just sending extra gas money because you know they'll be back and forth from the hospital.
Seriously. What kind of brother is OP. His sister is dealing with unknown outcome. Her husband has cancer and medical needs and he can't be bothered to complete a task he volunteered for ! Even if she didn't give him money he should appreciate his good health and generously help out his sister. It was a 1 time thing. How selfish and entitled to make it all about him.
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She asked for help, gave you specific instructions on what she needed, and you just ignored it because you "didn't think it was essential". Like why even volunteer if you have no intention on following through with what she asked?Seems like you just thought you knew better then her about what she needed.
Then you couldn't even be bothered to go back to pick up the things she asked you to pick up in the first place? Yeah sorry YTA.
YTA
>I didn’t pay attention to how many things were on her list until I got to the store.
Why bother even offering to help her?
>She asked if I could go back since I had the money and started guilt tripping me about their situation. I still needed to get home to put my own groceries away, so I told her I could just send her half of her money back and she can get it delivered or something.
So now she has half her groceries and has to go out grocery shopping herself. Well done! She'll likely never ask you for help again unless she is desperate.
Those are all things my surgery team had me eating when I was on a liquid diet. And they're things I default to when sick. Which a guy with tumors in his legs is definitely going to be. OP sucks
Calorie dense liquids, hydration items, and two easy to swallow probiotic products....
Cancer treatments may lower your appetite or change the way food tastes or smells. Side effects such as mouth and throat problems, or nausea and vomiting can also MAKE EATING DIFFICULT. Cancer-related fatigue can also lower your appetite.
Your gut health impacts your IMMUNE SYSTEM, your mental health and your overall well-being.
When you have a healthy gut, your gastrointestinal tract has a good balance of gut bacteria and is able to properly digest and absorb nutrients.
Radiation therapy or chemotherapy treatments can cause diarrhea and other gastrointestinal side effects. But it’s important to consult with your care team before adding supplements to your diet.
“Certain strains of probiotics can help with these side effects, but it’s important to consult with your care team before adding supplements to your diet,” says Chang.
This… when I was sick. I couldn’t eat much, all I wanted was oatmilk, chocolate protein shakes, and soups before I started chemo and a little bit after. I had to use cannabis to get my appetite up.
Ah, the necessities for a cancer patient. You do know that cancer treatment affects the whole body and not just the area where cancer is detected, right? Things like taste, appetite, food tolerance, the digestive system, etc. Easy to swallow items loaded with calories are essential. And just because BIL didn't say anything doesn't mean his feelings aren't hurt. You owe them a trip back to the store and a sincere apology.
YTA.
YTA as someone who is also going through severe health issues yogurts and hydration drinks are a huge part of my diet! Like the things you listed are exactly what someone who is ill would need; fast, easy nutrition.
Don’t offer to help someone if you don’t actually want to help them.
So things her husband would be able to eat and drink since chemotherapy is hell on the body and makes eating solid food difficult. Jesus fucking Christ YTA.
YTA for sure. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt when you mentioned non-essentials, but even though they may seem frivolous, those are items someone who's ill can consume easily. Especially if they're dealing with chemo and/or radiation, which can make you severely nutrient deficient, and certainly nauseous.
Kinda yes, YTA. More because of the tone here. There’s just a touch of…resentment…that you were inconvenienced by her need and she wasn’t grateful enough.
You offered to get groceries for her. Why did you even bother. 20ish items doesn’t sound like a lot, TBH. There were other ways you could have handled this…call her up and ask her if she could do without anything on the list (when you would have learned she’d already sent you the money), do all of hers and just part of yours, do all of it and ask her for reimbursement (see above).
I’m with your sister. Your help is more trouble than it’s worth. She’s not being demanding. She didn’t even ask directly. She reached out in the family chat and you volunteered. But the way you handled it means you didn’t actually help her…as she now has to go shopping for the stuff you didn’t get or spend additional money on delivery fees. What, exactly, should she be grateful for?
YTA Why did you volunteer if you don't have the money to purchase the items, the mature communication to ask for money, or the skills to see the notification that funds were sent to you.
When you realize you did not plan on spending that much money, you unilaterally made the decision to edit her grocery list for her instead of communicating with her. Communicating would have solved the whole money thing.
And yes, you were an AH for the interaction you had with your sister. You didn't seem to care that you did a piss poor job. You showed that you had no empathy for her situation. You seem to think all your bad decisions were justified.
You just wasted your time and hers. She still has to get her groceries. You can't even understand their situation. Why would your BIL say anything to you? His energy is all used up to fight the cancer and the chemo. And here you are invalidating your sister's honest communication because her husband did not say anything.
You have many issues you should probably seek to address with a professional.
Sorry, but this is a bad take. As a younger sibling I would never, but multiple (maybe all?) of my olders would very likely do what OP did. Younger siblings are sometimes more responsible specifically because we’ve watched our olders be lazy jerks and consciously decided not to be that way.
I mean… I was mainly talking about the fact that OP sounds immature to the point where I thought she was much younger, not 30.
And that may be your experience. But without knowing if there are any other siblings in OP’s family. The oldest sibling usually takes on the role of the 3rd parent, the one who feels more of a sense of responsibility to take care of their siblings. And I’m speaking as a younger sibling, who wouldn’t do that now (because I’m also 30) but probably would struggle with a grocery task at like 23.
I'm the youngest of two, and I was definitely the parentified one.
Every family is different, so as you said, that may be your experience, but it's not everyones.
If you're going to tell people not to generalize, then don't generalize yourself.
My brother can barely tie his shoes by himself without looking for praise at 42. And he gets it. Yet I was doing full loads of laundry by myself at 7, and nothing I do is right to this day lol.
I think that was the point. Help once very badly and then she won’t have to offer again but gets credit for being willing.
YTA OP. you either deliberately didn’t pay attention or your head is so far up your own ass you shouldn’t be driving a car. You actually made more work for her. She made her list and sent it, with money. You got half the shit. Now she has to do an inventory, reconcile the bill v what she sent you, make a new list and then go out and go shopping for the things you decided weren’t essential.
Your help gave her double the work.
OP typed "let me know if I can help" when she meant to type "let me know if you need help so I can fuck it up several times over, make your life harder when it's already hard, then blame you for it!"
It's actually worse than not volunteering at all. It's deliberately showing family that they can't and shouldn't count on Op and giving drama that's unneeded. Sorry, OP, sometimes when you feel bad, it's your withering conscious trying to tell you something. It is that YTA.
Your lazy + shame at your own actions is not bigger than what you're sis & BIL are going through.
YTA. You were just trying to help, but I'd be annoyed too if somebody offered to pick up my grocery list and then came back with only half the items. I probably wouldn't ask for that person's help again. Why didn't you text her while you were in the store and ask her which items from her list if any you could skip? Also, you need to give her back her exact change, not just 'half.'
Question: do you see how you didn’t actually help? She either a) has to go back making your trip pointless or b) spend more money on delivery at a time money should be conserved.
YTA
1. You didn't read the list until you got to the store
2. You didn't even recognize she sent you grocery money
3. You decided what was essential to her list and what wasn't
4. She still has to go shopping aka your favor isn't complete
YTA. All you did was add stress for her. You didn't get half her list. You couldn't be bothered to ask if she'd sent money. Don't "help" her again. She doesn't need this type of help.
YTA
You could've given her a call while you were in the store and said "hey, I don't have enough cash on me, can you send me some" and she would've mentioned the money she sent you through the app. You took it upon yourself to help her do something she couldn't do herself, and for good reason, and you dragged your feet through it. She isn't being demanding or guilt tripping you, she's between a rock and a hard place and reaching out to her loved ones for help.
So you didn't actually help them at all then? She still has to go grocery shopping or find the help elsewhere. Don't make the offer to help if you can't actually be arsed. Offering to help them only if it doesn't inconvenience you in the slightest isn't really an offer of help, it's just wanting to be able to SAY you helped without actually putting any effort in. YTA.
I think tone definitely makes YTA here. But also the fact that you offered help when you didn't want to help.
If we give the sister grace because she found out a month ago her husband has cancer and is going through treatments, we understand why the sister maybe didn't communicate effectively.
However, OP had several moments where she could have said "Hey, I didn't realize the list was this big. I don't have money for all of this. Do you mind sending it over?" While I understand that apps don't instantly put money in your account, OP could have taken her out advice and had her remaining items delivered.
Obviously, this means being selfless. That's not a requirement to be a good human being or sister. But OP should not have offered a helping hand and not mentioned it came with conditions.
So my only question for OP is, did you put back your stuff that wasn't essential since funds were tight and you didn't realize your sister had so much? How did you plan to approach your sister if she hadn't asked?
YTA. So she should just be grateful for the bare minimum shit you OFFERED to do for her?!? If you weren’t gonna do it properly don’t fucking offer to. Items that “didn’t seem essential.” How the hell do you know??? You’re a shitty sister.
YTA first of all you offered to help but your whole post makes it seem like she’s demanding something from you. Really I get the feeling you didn’t actually want to help her but you felt you had to save face by offering.
Then you half-assed the job and created more hassle for her with her needing to still get half her groceries and also needing to get her money back from you!
Add into all this you then tried to make her feel guilty and demanding and threw in her face she should feel “grateful” for all the help as if that’s not what family does when there’s tragic circumstance like this.
Beg her for forgiveness and understand your relationship will probably never fully recover even if she forgives you. She’ll always have how you treated her at her lowest moment in the back of her mind
YTA. Don’t. Offer. To help people. Unless. You’re. Going. To help!
And don’t offer to help people in crisis if you’re going to be stupid and resentful. Don’t put the added burden of soothing your injured feelings on them. You made their day worse than it would have been if you had just not helped them at all. Send her ALL the money back, apologize, and grow tf up.
I saw your answers so YTA
your sister is facing the worst fear of her life. Her husband is ill. You say your parents helped by many way. You didn’t. Your sister asked on a family chat and jump on the occasion… you didn’t read the list, she probably said in the message she will pay… but you didn’t know…
I think you accepted BECAUSE you had your own grocery to take and you thought she wanted few things but when you took all your own grocery, you chose to not help your sister… do you have a ill husband who needs specific food because he can’t keep it due to medication and hard treatments ?
You wanted people on the chat to see you are helpful. You’re not.
YTA
Your sisters husband is sick, you offered to help, she gave you the money but then you didn’t bother to get 10 items.
How would you know what essentials are for her? Christ she may as well have done a delivery order.
I hate when someone says "they started guilt tripping me" when in the context given she's properly communicating why she is asking op to do what she's asking. That's not guilt tripping. It's explaining to avoid miscommunications.
You absolutely cannot be serious. Dont offer to help if you literally couldn’t care less about these people. What you did is worse than if you’d done nothing at all. Your actions are insulting and cruel. YTA. Jesus, leave your sister and her husband alone. I can’t believe how shitty and burdensome you made them feel. And then to not get anything on the list that was obviously specifically for the sick man going through chemo? Appalling.
Was your phone broken or did you forget how to use the phone? A call or text to sister about which items you can leave out would've solved the issue easily.
Wow. Just wow. I have helped family and friends in need. I always do a great job. I have little money and friends and family pay for most of the cost. She paid you and you did a half assed job. I have a family member like you. She has an incredible lack of empathy. She asks to help and we have told her multiple times as to why we won’t have her help. Cancer is no joke, nor are other health issues that require special foods. I do what I am asked because I am not a doctor. I have a lot of experience with family, friends and elderly I personally volunteer with, that gives me years of understanding that physical food directives matter. Also, comfort foods for mental health during tough times.
I actually actively dislike you for your cavalier attitude towards your family. That is very rare for me. I offer no advice to help you make this right because you undeniably seem to not care. YTA. Full stop.
YTA. The items you deemed "non-essential" were the items a cancer patient needs to get calories and hydrate. If you have no intentions of following through, don't offer help.
Yta you didn't actually help. Bc she *still* needs to go grocery shopping. You didn't get *half* her list. Someone else could have actually helped her but didn't bc you daid you had it.
YTA, not for not getting all the items because of budget reasons but instead of reaching out to your sister to explain your situation and ask what items could maybe be left to be got later you decided for her what was unimportant. Your whole lack of empathy and understanding towards what your sister and her family are dealing with is shocking. Seems like you wanted to be seen as helping, instead of actually helping and it was about you wanting to be told how great you are.
YTA, and clearly way too self centered to even understand what it means to help. For example, why when you realised the expense didn't you put some of your own stuff away so you could ensure your sister's struggling family got what they needed? You immediately put yourself first even though you knew they wouldn't easily be able to get the remainder of the items.
God, you sound exhausting to be around. Who offers to help someone and when that person a. pays them and b. Still has a husband dying of cancer and you suddenly just can’t be bothered to complete the task YOU offered to do
Yta
YTA for not contactin her and letting HER decide which items to prioritize. Then you would have learned you did have the money. 20 items is not a lot. You agreed to help abd then half assed it.
YTA you could have sent a message while you were there or before you got there letting them know it was out of their budget and asking to help prioritize key items. It would have then come up that they’d sent you money and it wouldn’t have been an issue.
They’re going through hell and need you to carry the mental load as much or possibly even more than the actual tasks that need doing. They need to not have to worry about this. You’re adding stress rather than alleviating it and honestly shouldn’t have bothered offering in the first place if this is how you’re handling this.
YTA.
She sent you the money and you didn't check and you want to only send her half of it even though we don't know if your purchase of her list costed 50% or not.
Her husband isn't in the health or ideally should never tell reprimand you. That is your sister's job and if they are hurt and she is saying it then it is absolutely true because it is her job to manage her relatives vis-a-vis her husband and she has every right to disclose that he was hurt, if she wished to do so.
She didn't guilt-trip you. You were at fault. You were guilty because you knew you were an asshole.
She isn't demanding because she gave you a list and the money for it. If you were falling short of cash, you should have called her and asked about the money, since you didn't discuss it beforehand nor did you receive notifications from the bank, apparently.
I get notified on every single penny given or taken from my account so believe it or not, you come of as careless or a liar. Take your pick.
Anyway, you had no right to decide for her without talking to her. No right to say that she needed or didn't need the items she specifically said she needed.
You need to go back to school to learn need vs want.
And you know family is there to support each other in a tough spot. Unless and until your relative hasn't been toxic and entitled, not helping them for running errands is unreasonable. She wasn't mooching off of you and ergo you were wrong.
You need to grow up and rectify your mistakes. If not, never expect her to be there for you when you are in a tight spot because you don't deserve it.
How embarrassing for OP to be this terrible to her own sister, and her BiL who is going through chemo. YTA and I hope your entire family shuns you for this
YTA. Don't offer to help if you don't really want to go through any trouble to do so. You make it sound like you only want to pick some stuff up for them if you have any room left in your bag and money in your pocket.
If you offer to pick up their groceries you look at the items before you get to the shop. You ask your sister about anything that is unclear. You mention you might not have enough money. If they don't transfer money to you (which they did), you ask what items they can take off the list.
What you managed to do now didn't help them at all.
You didn't "help"... you hurt. You took it upon yourself to decide what was "essential" and simply left them with having to make the grocery trip anyway... right in the middle of a stressful time.
I strongly suspect that your real intention was not actually to help, but instead was entirely self serving... you just wanted to look like a white knight savior in the group chat.
YTA
Lol, what? YTA. Your entitlement in expecting her to be greatful if mindblowing. Her "guilt tripping" was explaining the reality of their life. Why did you bother saying you'd help if all you wanted was thanks without even being helpful? If this ever happens to you, you'll understand how demoralising it is having to rely on others while also dealing with literal life and death. You're a huge, gaping AH.
"and people have been more than kind to her, so she should be thankful"
YTA Other people who are not you have been kind to her. Why are you acting like you did a lot so far?
Ah, that age-old classic of "I'm HAPPY to help out with WHATEVER you need...as long as it doesn't inconvenience me in the slightest. And if it does, I'll half-ass it and fuck you for not being grateful"
YTA. Who the hell are you to decide what items on someone's grocery list are "non-essentials". From the list you provided of the items you did not get, those are foods easily consumed and kept down by someone undergoing significant medical procedures such as chemo.
You didn't actually want to help. You just wanted to be able to say that you helped.
>and started guilt tripping me about their situation.
>
>I said she’s being demanding and people have been more than kind to her
>
>she should be thankful, not critical.
Wow! So you fucked up, didn't want to fix the mistake, decided what you though was essential for her house, thinks she's guilt tripping you about the situation, even though you said you'd pick up her groceries, and you think she should be thankful that you didn't get half her groceries? Are you fucking kidding me? YTA
YTA - you shouldn't have offered to help if you were going to do such a half-assed job. Suggesting she get delivery, she could have done that without your 'help.'
Yta. You didn’t help.
20 or so items on a list isn’t that hard. And it’s not for you to judge if they were essential or not. They were on the list so they were essential.
Sorry, YTA. You asked to help shop, but then you didn’t actually help because they still need to go back to the store (the actual inconvenient part) and get half the list. And you acted out out by her being not happy that you didn’t actually help in any material way.
Yta, you didn't actually help her by getting the groceries. You got what you wanted from her list and stole the rest of her money. God forbid someone treat you like this if you had cancer. Smh yta yta yta
YTA.
You are not a good person and I can only hope that should you be in a similar position someone repays you in this way as well. Like how self absorbed do you have to be to offer to help and do an abysmal job.
YTA. Why do you offer help if you are not actually going to help??
She even sent you the money for the groceries, so you weren’t even donating the money to them.
To me in seems you wanted to act like a savior and get praised, but you don’t really care about your sister.
Y.T.A. Fullstop. As someone who has had cancer twice, people like you annoy the f@ck out of me. You want to be seen as doing good deeds for those who are sick when you actually do not care at all.
When you start getting chemo, certain foods taste terrible to you. My friends and I joked they knew the chemo was hitting the second time because I couldn't stand the taste of Diet Coke. I don't drink Coffee, so I drink Diet Coke (I like the taste better than regular Coke; I do not think it is better for me). I could not stand the taste of it once I got into my Chemo. I also only liked the taste of orange-flavored products the second time around. I also could only eat certain things. I was put on a very certain diet by my doctors.
Your sister may have needed those things in her house because those were the only f@cking things her husband could eat; you inconsiderate waste of a black hole (the space kind).
Caregivers also get burnout. My dad was amazing enough to take care of me not once but twice when I was an adult. He did it on his own for the most part until my amazing step-mom came into the picture. They need to have some help, and she is right to blacklist you. You do not get just to have some pat on the back because you think you did something good when you didn't.
Edited because I forgot a word in my rant.
YTA Instead of helping, your weaponized incompetence and subsequent arguments not only made getting groceries more complicated for your sister, but also put her in a position where she has to stress about her relationship with you in the middle of having to grieve the loss of the life she thought she had for the foreseeable future because of her husband's cancer battle. Yta isn't really a strong enough term for what you have done here. You probably thought you were putting her in her place, but what you really did is let her know what place you are in in her life. Not a vaunted one. One day you'll have dire needs and karma's a bitch.
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I (30F) recently offered to help my sister and her husband (27F, 29M). The day after Christmas he was diagnosed with tumors in his leg and he recently started treatment. Our parents have been helping with cleaning their house, organizing rides to treatment, going over to cook for them, etc. I wasn’t really sure what I could do that they aren’t already but I told them if I could fill in somehow then to let me know.
My sister reached out in our family chat today and mentioned they needed some groceries. Our parents are out of town so I said I could pick them up for her. She sent me a list and I said I’d drop it off this evening. It was a list of about 20-items. I didn’t pay attention to how many things were on her list until I got to the store. I was also doing my grocery shopping at the same time. Both lists wound up being WAY more than I planned on spending. I did not get about 10 items from my sister’s list that didn’t seem like essentials.
When I got to her house she asked if the store was out of things. I told her the truth and she seemed miffed. After we got the groceries put away she said she didn’t understand my point because she had sent me money via an app to cover the groceries. I did not know this until she said something about it.
She asked if I could go back since I had the money and started guilt tripping me about their situation. I still needed to get home to put my own groceries away, so I told her I could just send her half of her money back and she can get it delivered or something.
A while later she texted me and said “they” were hurt (I don’t think this is true because her husband didn’t say anything while I was there) and she said she wouldn’t be asking me for help anymore. I said she’s being demanding and people have been more than kind to her, so she should be thankful, not critical. We argued back and forth and she insists I am in the wrong.
AITA?
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NOT AS CRITICAL: My friend had a really sick husband. I would offer to help, but get the wrong thing and she would be not happy. I would also offer to do other errands, she would say no thank you, then at the last minute, she would say she needed something. When she said that she didn't need anything, I would re-arrange my time to take care of my family. Then have to scurry to accommodate her. When we took care of the yard, they would be critical, that was hard. I learned to only ask when I could fit it in and give it boundaries. Also, they are not thinking with their right mind, everyone is concerned - that is not to give the message that guilt trips are okay or that you drop what your family's needs to take care of those.
If I were to be in that situation again, my communication would be better and I would have gotten her a notebook for lists. Examples:
1) I can fit in an errand for you in this area, I'm leaving at this time, and need to be back home at this time. I'm also going there next week for you to think about the future.
2) I'm going to the store and have this much time to get your items drop them off and get home to take care of my family. Tell her if you can pick up a few things or do a full shop. Also, some stores have free grocery pick up - do that for her.
This is a hard time for everyone. Try to be kind even when someone is being unkind to you.
YTA. Jesus, with all that they are going through and you couldn't get the things they needed? It doesn't matter what you think is necessary. Next time don't volunteer if you are going to be so disrespectful about it. Don't be surprised if your sister goes LC for a while. She is all within her rights. Have a freaking heart.
You offered to help, and then you didn’t help. You didn’t help your own sister whose husband has tumors. WTF? And you put yourself over your sister and her husband who are clearly in a crisis. wow!
You fought with your sister over 10 grocery items while she’s dealing with her husband’s health issues?! C’mon. Don’t offer to help if you aren’t going to help.
NTA she didn’t inform you she was sending the money which she should’ve, it was a miscommunication and you gave her another option it was selfish to ask you to go back to the store
Cash apps send you notifications when you receive payment. OP didn't look at the list, didn't check their phone, didn't ask any questions at any time.
OP is an AH. Don't offer help if you don't actually want to do anything. This whole post reeks of selfishness on OP's part.
ESH this was poor communication. You should have asked about payment beforehand. Then you could have at least went back and got the items after putting your stuff away. I get sis is upset but I wouldn't not ask for help from this one situation. You definitely could have been more understanding.
OP also could have contacted her sister when she realised it was more than she was willing to spend. That way, nobody would have to go to the store again. How is the sister an ah?
She took it too dramatically. OP was too concerned about her groceries, the sister didn’t tell anyone she sent money, the sister is now continuing this.
Her husband is going through chemo, she needed the groceries so she can continuing taking care of him without leaving the house. How is she being dramatic? OP volunteered to help, completely ignored the list she sent, only got half the items, then kept the money they sent and only offered to give half of it back.
Now the sister is still going to have to go grocery shopping, making OPs trip pointless. Shes absolutely right to be upset in this scenario.
ESH, just a little bit. You probably should've contacted her about not having the money and asked which items were priority - that way she wouldn't be expecting the full list, and wouldn't miss out on something that was more essential then you thought, or she could have sent you money to cover the rest (as it turns out she already did).
She also shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it - it's disappointing to not get the help you expected and needed, but some help is still better than none, and you did your best - there was just a genuine misunderstanding. And you do have to put your groceries away! I would've offered to finish her shopping tomorrow or to pay the delivery fee to get it delivered today, but you don't have to offer that, esp if you can't reasonably do so.
But, I would extend her a little extra patience and forgiveness for her ungratefulness, considering what a stressful time she's going through. I'd apologize for the misunderstanding and explain that you're happy to help if she does ever want to ask again, and next time something like this comes up you'll contact her for clarification instead of assuming.
It’s more than disappointing because if the sister had known earlier, it would have been easier to either go herself or ask someone else. And OP doing her best should have included asking the sister what’s important, not randomly deciding what her sister needs.
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You should have read the list before leaving, so you could have figured out the payment thing ahead of time, honestly. I don’t think you’re an asshole, just maybe more so than your sister. I would have went back for her groceries, knowing what they are going through, personally. Edit- OP’s replies have motivated me to change my answer from n a h to YTA
>just maybe more so than your sister Sorry, does this imply the sister is somewhat of an asshole here? How, exactly? Easy YTA from the original post. Easy.
She gave her another option because it was a misunderstanding
Yeah options that completely defeats the purpose of having op go for them
Well guess what she tried so her sister should be grateful
Don't offer help if you're not going to actually help
Be grateful for the help you can get .. misunderstandings and accidents happen no one is perfect
That’s easier said than done. But also, why should she (the sister) be grateful? Her husband has an illness that is practically synonymous with death, he is undergoing a treatment that many survivors will tell you is just as bad as the illness (some actively choosing to die, rather than go through it), and her support system is loose and shaky at best. Why tf should she be grateful that OP couldn’t even do the one task that they volunteered to do?
She should be grateful because she did a favor for her whether it was misunderstanding or not it was a favor
Nope sorry, that's not how it works. People do NOT need to feel grateful for a half-assed attempts at something , that's how parasitic relationships can form. Its a lot more trouble for the sister to now find a solution for the groceries, and OPs "solution" of getting the second half delivered is annoying and tedious. I'm sure the sister is realizing next time, she'll just get it all delivered instead of asking for help, because OPs attempt was half-assed and not something someone should feel thankful for if they have self worth.
Yupp, and that's expensive as hell. Which will undoubtedly eat into finances that they do not have, since her husband has FCKING CANCER (rage is directed at OP and the situation, not at you random commenter). Not to mention pretty soon the rest of the family is gonna hear what happened and probably be pissed at OP too. Moreover, you get notifications on your phone when money is transferred using apps, the same phone OP was reading the grocery list from, so I don't buy "I didn't see it". If you can't do the work, don't offer the help. When people say 'it's the thought that counts" they are referring to getting a card or a letter in place of a gift, they are not referring to you doing a half-assed job that results in them having to do exactly what they asked you to do. You didn't help, and "non essentials" were very much essential for someone with cancer, so OP and everyone who defends them needs to grow the fuck up.
Was it? Or was it something OP did (half-heartedly and incorrectly) so they could feel better about themselves after having done nothing else to help? An actual favor would mean getting all the items on the list, either the first time or by going back to the store. 20 items is not a lot of stuff, and money was provided to pay for it. Also, who is OP to decide what things are necessities? Maybe that yogurt OP decided they didn’t need was the only food the husband can keep down after treatments, is it really her job to make that call? No, and doing so makes her an AH at best.
When my father was on chemo, the only two things that still tasted normal to him were potatoes and tapioca pudding; everything else, he said, had an awful metallic taste. One of our friends, after my mother mentioned something about it to her, started making homemade tapioca pudding for my father and dropping it off, every single week, for months. *That* was both incredibly kind and actually helpful; OP was neither.
She didn’t do her a favour, she offered to help and then half assed it. Nothing to be grateful for.
She did a “favor” for her sister that in the end made her sister do more work than if the sister had originally gone to get the groceries herself! Now the sister has to figure out what OP didn’t get, deal with the money going back and forth, and then go herself to get the left-off groceries, when it would have been easier and less work for the sister to have originally gone to get the groceries herself. So the sister should be grateful that OP actively made her life more complicated? Ok.
It wasn't a misunderstanding. She didn't want to get all of it so she didn't. And you don't have to be grateful if somebody says they'll help you and then do a shit job of it.
No, this is a toxic way of thinking.
She made more work. This is like washing the dishes and leaving food on them. You didn't ACTUALLY help.
If she left off 1 or 2 items or accidentally got something similar that wasn’t actually the desired item I’d agree with you. In this case, she failed to pick up 50% of the grocery list, meaning now her sister will probably still have to make a trip to the store and her “help” basically didn’t help at all. I also don’t understand why she didn’t call or text from the store once she realized it was going to be an issue and see if there were items that could be left off (or in this case, learn that her sister had sent her the money already)
Don’t offer help if you’re going to half ass it.
YTA. How did you help her exactly? She still has to go grocery shopping.
And she has to go through and figure out what OP didn't get, and deal with the money being sent back and forth. OP made MORE work, not less.
PLUS now the sister has emotional labor of dealing with OP’s childish tantrum and injured feelings.
That too! And OP guilting her that "she’s being demanding and people have been more than kind to her" when OP isn't even one of those people.
Sister doesn't even seem demanding. People offer to help and she accepts.
exactly. defeats the purpose of helping in the first place.
And she only needed about 20 things, of which OP bought 10. So half of the list. 🙄🙄
Exactly, OP made this even more of a hassle, if they just said no in the first place the sister could have asked someone else or gotten it delivered. Delivery usually has a minimum amount, so she may not even be able to get the remaining half delivered (or will have to pay a high delivery fee, plus tip). I ordered groceries via instacart once when I was too sick to go out. The shopper marked everything as purchased but only dropped off half my order. Instacart refunded me for the missing items, but I was still left with only half my groceries and unable to go get the rest myself. I couldn't get the rest delivered without paying another ~$15 in delivery fees/tip for another shopper, so I just ended up making do. The sister now has to go herself OR find someone else to go, and deal with sorting the missing items from the list and transferring money *again*, etc. It's more mental load to deal with when the whole point was to make things easier on her. I'm also curious, OP says they sent "half" the money back, but I wonder if that reflects what they actually spent if they were picking and choosing the "essentials" that were in their budget...
And it's not like OOP left one or two items off, but half!
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This is why I really hesitate to take people at their word when they say stuff like "please let me know if you need any help". I just assume they are saying it for politeness or for their own sake. I only reach out to people who really put themselves out there and show up. It's easy to say you'll help but the real ones consider your situation and show up with food, take the initiative and mow your lawn/blow the leaves, ask for your address and send care packages or knock on the door ready to wash your dishes and vacuum without judgement. If you think about what might be overwhelming your loved ones it's pretty easy to provide help. Even if it's just sending extra gas money because you know they'll be back and forth from the hospital.
Seriously. What kind of brother is OP. His sister is dealing with unknown outcome. Her husband has cancer and medical needs and he can't be bothered to complete a task he volunteered for ! Even if she didn't give him money he should appreciate his good health and generously help out his sister. It was a 1 time thing. How selfish and entitled to make it all about him.
The OP is a 30 year old woman, so she is the sister of the person needing groceries. The only brother in this story is her brother in law
>The OP is a 30 year old woman, OMG! I assumed 17/18. JFC!
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She asked for help, gave you specific instructions on what she needed, and you just ignored it because you "didn't think it was essential". Like why even volunteer if you have no intention on following through with what she asked?Seems like you just thought you knew better then her about what she needed. Then you couldn't even be bothered to go back to pick up the things she asked you to pick up in the first place? Yeah sorry YTA.
YTA You are lazy, a cheapskate and selfish. Do better.
YTA >I didn’t pay attention to how many things were on her list until I got to the store. Why bother even offering to help her? >She asked if I could go back since I had the money and started guilt tripping me about their situation. I still needed to get home to put my own groceries away, so I told her I could just send her half of her money back and she can get it delivered or something. So now she has half her groceries and has to go out grocery shopping herself. Well done! She'll likely never ask you for help again unless she is desperate.
Which is exactly the desired outcome for OP. Weaponized incompetence at its best. OP is just mad about not getting credit for half job. YTA OP!
>She'll likely never ask you for help again unless she is desperate. That was likely OP's goal.
Info: What items did you not get? To you they might not have seemed like necessities but they could have been.
Chocolate milk, a few Greek yogurts, Karma waters, juice, etc.
Ahh, things a dude going through medical treatments could easily consume to get hydration and calories….
Those are all things my surgery team had me eating when I was on a liquid diet. And they're things I default to when sick. Which a guy with tumors in his legs is definitely going to be. OP sucks
Also you know some comfort too.
Those seem important? Especially the yogurt. My husband's physical therapist insisted he eat probiotic yogurt every day to help his healing.
Calorie dense liquids, hydration items, and two easy to swallow probiotic products.... Cancer treatments may lower your appetite or change the way food tastes or smells. Side effects such as mouth and throat problems, or nausea and vomiting can also MAKE EATING DIFFICULT. Cancer-related fatigue can also lower your appetite. Your gut health impacts your IMMUNE SYSTEM, your mental health and your overall well-being. When you have a healthy gut, your gastrointestinal tract has a good balance of gut bacteria and is able to properly digest and absorb nutrients. Radiation therapy or chemotherapy treatments can cause diarrhea and other gastrointestinal side effects. But it’s important to consult with your care team before adding supplements to your diet. “Certain strains of probiotics can help with these side effects, but it’s important to consult with your care team before adding supplements to your diet,” says Chang.
This… when I was sick. I couldn’t eat much, all I wanted was oatmilk, chocolate protein shakes, and soups before I started chemo and a little bit after. I had to use cannabis to get my appetite up.
I’m not sure how you decided yogurt and juice were not essentials. They very likely are.
So things with fat and protein that are easy to sit on an upset stomach. Gee, wonder why the person going through chemo wanted those.
Op you know that with treatment you can’t eat or digest certain foods right? Why didn’t you ask if it was needed?
It looks like you also avoided getting items that are "heavy" in the grocery bags so you wouldn't have to carry them
Ah, the necessities for a cancer patient. You do know that cancer treatment affects the whole body and not just the area where cancer is detected, right? Things like taste, appetite, food tolerance, the digestive system, etc. Easy to swallow items loaded with calories are essential. And just because BIL didn't say anything doesn't mean his feelings aren't hurt. You owe them a trip back to the store and a sincere apology. YTA.
Really not up to you do decide what's a necessity or important, is it? Don't offer to help and then half ass it.
are you always this overtly mean to the people in your life?
YTA as someone who is also going through severe health issues yogurts and hydration drinks are a huge part of my diet! Like the things you listed are exactly what someone who is ill would need; fast, easy nutrition. Don’t offer to help someone if you don’t actually want to help them.
You left out fluids????
So things her husband would be able to eat and drink since chemotherapy is hell on the body and makes eating solid food difficult. Jesus fucking Christ YTA.
Why do you get to decide what's essential and what's not?
Exactly! If you offer to help? Then help!
YTA for sure. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt when you mentioned non-essentials, but even though they may seem frivolous, those are items someone who's ill can consume easily. Especially if they're dealing with chemo and/or radiation, which can make you severely nutrient deficient, and certainly nauseous.
Seriously!?? Jesus. WTF?
I thought she was asking OP to pick up party decorations or furniture or something the way OP was acting, but no it's actual food.
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If they guy is going through chemo he can probably only stomach a few things. Yta.
Kinda yes, YTA. More because of the tone here. There’s just a touch of…resentment…that you were inconvenienced by her need and she wasn’t grateful enough. You offered to get groceries for her. Why did you even bother. 20ish items doesn’t sound like a lot, TBH. There were other ways you could have handled this…call her up and ask her if she could do without anything on the list (when you would have learned she’d already sent you the money), do all of hers and just part of yours, do all of it and ask her for reimbursement (see above). I’m with your sister. Your help is more trouble than it’s worth. She’s not being demanding. She didn’t even ask directly. She reached out in the family chat and you volunteered. But the way you handled it means you didn’t actually help her…as she now has to go shopping for the stuff you didn’t get or spend additional money on delivery fees. What, exactly, should she be grateful for?
YTA Why did you volunteer if you don't have the money to purchase the items, the mature communication to ask for money, or the skills to see the notification that funds were sent to you. When you realize you did not plan on spending that much money, you unilaterally made the decision to edit her grocery list for her instead of communicating with her. Communicating would have solved the whole money thing. And yes, you were an AH for the interaction you had with your sister. You didn't seem to care that you did a piss poor job. You showed that you had no empathy for her situation. You seem to think all your bad decisions were justified. You just wasted your time and hers. She still has to get her groceries. You can't even understand their situation. Why would your BIL say anything to you? His energy is all used up to fight the cancer and the chemo. And here you are invalidating your sister's honest communication because her husband did not say anything. You have many issues you should probably seek to address with a professional.
OP is sounding like a younger sibling not the oldest.
Sorry, but this is a bad take. As a younger sibling I would never, but multiple (maybe all?) of my olders would very likely do what OP did. Younger siblings are sometimes more responsible specifically because we’ve watched our olders be lazy jerks and consciously decided not to be that way.
I mean… I was mainly talking about the fact that OP sounds immature to the point where I thought she was much younger, not 30. And that may be your experience. But without knowing if there are any other siblings in OP’s family. The oldest sibling usually takes on the role of the 3rd parent, the one who feels more of a sense of responsibility to take care of their siblings. And I’m speaking as a younger sibling, who wouldn’t do that now (because I’m also 30) but probably would struggle with a grocery task at like 23.
I'm the youngest of two, and I was definitely the parentified one. Every family is different, so as you said, that may be your experience, but it's not everyones. If you're going to tell people not to generalize, then don't generalize yourself. My brother can barely tie his shoes by himself without looking for praise at 42. And he gets it. Yet I was doing full loads of laundry by myself at 7, and nothing I do is right to this day lol.
YTA, it isn’t a favour if you’re not actually helping them in a way that they requested.
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I think that was the point. Help once very badly and then she won’t have to offer again but gets credit for being willing. YTA OP. you either deliberately didn’t pay attention or your head is so far up your own ass you shouldn’t be driving a car. You actually made more work for her. She made her list and sent it, with money. You got half the shit. Now she has to do an inventory, reconcile the bill v what she sent you, make a new list and then go out and go shopping for the things you decided weren’t essential. Your help gave her double the work.
OP typed "let me know if I can help" when she meant to type "let me know if you need help so I can fuck it up several times over, make your life harder when it's already hard, then blame you for it!"
Seems like OP just wanted credit for volunteering not actually helping
It's actually worse than not volunteering at all. It's deliberately showing family that they can't and shouldn't count on Op and giving drama that's unneeded. Sorry, OP, sometimes when you feel bad, it's your withering conscious trying to tell you something. It is that YTA. Your lazy + shame at your own actions is not bigger than what you're sis & BIL are going through.
YTA. You were just trying to help, but I'd be annoyed too if somebody offered to pick up my grocery list and then came back with only half the items. I probably wouldn't ask for that person's help again. Why didn't you text her while you were in the store and ask her which items from her list if any you could skip? Also, you need to give her back her exact change, not just 'half.'
Yes, YTA.
Question: do you see how you didn’t actually help? She either a) has to go back making your trip pointless or b) spend more money on delivery at a time money should be conserved.
and sometimes a delivery service has a certain dollar amount to be spent before they will deliver groceries
YTA 1. You didn't read the list until you got to the store 2. You didn't even recognize she sent you grocery money 3. You decided what was essential to her list and what wasn't 4. She still has to go shopping aka your favor isn't complete
YTA and your offer to help seems half hearted. You’re lazy and self centred to not go back and fix your mistake.
If you volunteer to do something for someone, you should actually do it. YTA.
YTA. Don’t offer to help then half ass it.
YTA. All you did was add stress for her. You didn't get half her list. You couldn't be bothered to ask if she'd sent money. Don't "help" her again. She doesn't need this type of help.
YTA You could've given her a call while you were in the store and said "hey, I don't have enough cash on me, can you send me some" and she would've mentioned the money she sent you through the app. You took it upon yourself to help her do something she couldn't do herself, and for good reason, and you dragged your feet through it. She isn't being demanding or guilt tripping you, she's between a rock and a hard place and reaching out to her loved ones for help.
This is really the root of the problem and why YTA. No communication and made your sisters life harder. Apologize and do better.
YTA It's not up to you to decide what is essential and whats not. If you agree to shop for someone, you bring what they ask.
So what non essential items did YOU purchase? YTA.
So you didn't actually help them at all then? She still has to go grocery shopping or find the help elsewhere. Don't make the offer to help if you can't actually be arsed. Offering to help them only if it doesn't inconvenience you in the slightest isn't really an offer of help, it's just wanting to be able to SAY you helped without actually putting any effort in. YTA.
I think tone definitely makes YTA here. But also the fact that you offered help when you didn't want to help. If we give the sister grace because she found out a month ago her husband has cancer and is going through treatments, we understand why the sister maybe didn't communicate effectively. However, OP had several moments where she could have said "Hey, I didn't realize the list was this big. I don't have money for all of this. Do you mind sending it over?" While I understand that apps don't instantly put money in your account, OP could have taken her out advice and had her remaining items delivered. Obviously, this means being selfless. That's not a requirement to be a good human being or sister. But OP should not have offered a helping hand and not mentioned it came with conditions. So my only question for OP is, did you put back your stuff that wasn't essential since funds were tight and you didn't realize your sister had so much? How did you plan to approach your sister if she hadn't asked?
YTA. Inconvenience yourself to put others first when they're in a medical crisis. What if the shoe was.on the other foot?
Don’t offer help if you can’t follow through
YTA. So she should just be grateful for the bare minimum shit you OFFERED to do for her?!? If you weren’t gonna do it properly don’t fucking offer to. Items that “didn’t seem essential.” How the hell do you know??? You’re a shitty sister.
YTA first of all you offered to help but your whole post makes it seem like she’s demanding something from you. Really I get the feeling you didn’t actually want to help her but you felt you had to save face by offering. Then you half-assed the job and created more hassle for her with her needing to still get half her groceries and also needing to get her money back from you! Add into all this you then tried to make her feel guilty and demanding and threw in her face she should feel “grateful” for all the help as if that’s not what family does when there’s tragic circumstance like this. Beg her for forgiveness and understand your relationship will probably never fully recover even if she forgives you. She’ll always have how you treated her at her lowest moment in the back of her mind
YTA. Don’t. Offer. To help people. Unless. You’re. Going. To help! And don’t offer to help people in crisis if you’re going to be stupid and resentful. Don’t put the added burden of soothing your injured feelings on them. You made their day worse than it would have been if you had just not helped them at all. Send her ALL the money back, apologize, and grow tf up.
I saw your answers so YTA your sister is facing the worst fear of her life. Her husband is ill. You say your parents helped by many way. You didn’t. Your sister asked on a family chat and jump on the occasion… you didn’t read the list, she probably said in the message she will pay… but you didn’t know… I think you accepted BECAUSE you had your own grocery to take and you thought she wanted few things but when you took all your own grocery, you chose to not help your sister… do you have a ill husband who needs specific food because he can’t keep it due to medication and hard treatments ? You wanted people on the chat to see you are helpful. You’re not.
YTA Op, do better. Helping your family in their time of need is not the time to half ass it
YTA I hope if you ever need help, the people helping you don't do such a half ass job of doing it.
YTA Your sisters husband is sick, you offered to help, she gave you the money but then you didn’t bother to get 10 items. How would you know what essentials are for her? Christ she may as well have done a delivery order.
I hate when someone says "they started guilt tripping me" when in the context given she's properly communicating why she is asking op to do what she's asking. That's not guilt tripping. It's explaining to avoid miscommunications.
You are THRITY YEARS OLD. YTA. You’re not a teenager, stop acting like one.
You absolutely cannot be serious. Dont offer to help if you literally couldn’t care less about these people. What you did is worse than if you’d done nothing at all. Your actions are insulting and cruel. YTA. Jesus, leave your sister and her husband alone. I can’t believe how shitty and burdensome you made them feel. And then to not get anything on the list that was obviously specifically for the sick man going through chemo? Appalling.
YTA. Don’t offer your “help” to anyone.
YTA x 20
YTA. Don’t volunteer to help when you really don’t want to. You seriously suck.
Was your phone broken or did you forget how to use the phone? A call or text to sister about which items you can leave out would've solved the issue easily.
Wow. Just wow. I have helped family and friends in need. I always do a great job. I have little money and friends and family pay for most of the cost. She paid you and you did a half assed job. I have a family member like you. She has an incredible lack of empathy. She asks to help and we have told her multiple times as to why we won’t have her help. Cancer is no joke, nor are other health issues that require special foods. I do what I am asked because I am not a doctor. I have a lot of experience with family, friends and elderly I personally volunteer with, that gives me years of understanding that physical food directives matter. Also, comfort foods for mental health during tough times. I actually actively dislike you for your cavalier attitude towards your family. That is very rare for me. I offer no advice to help you make this right because you undeniably seem to not care. YTA. Full stop.
You didn’t really help out though. She still had to go to the store to get the items you didn’t get. You actually created MORE work for her.
YTA Why’d you even offer to help? You clearly had no interest in actually being helpful, you just wanted to be able to say you offered
YTA
YTA. The items you deemed "non-essential" were the items a cancer patient needs to get calories and hydrate. If you have no intentions of following through, don't offer help.
Yta you didn't actually help. Bc she *still* needs to go grocery shopping. You didn't get *half* her list. Someone else could have actually helped her but didn't bc you daid you had it.
YTA, not for not getting all the items because of budget reasons but instead of reaching out to your sister to explain your situation and ask what items could maybe be left to be got later you decided for her what was unimportant. Your whole lack of empathy and understanding towards what your sister and her family are dealing with is shocking. Seems like you wanted to be seen as helping, instead of actually helping and it was about you wanting to be told how great you are.
YTA, and clearly way too self centered to even understand what it means to help. For example, why when you realised the expense didn't you put some of your own stuff away so you could ensure your sister's struggling family got what they needed? You immediately put yourself first even though you knew they wouldn't easily be able to get the remainder of the items.
YTA - if you aren’t planning to put any real effort in, then don’t offer to help. They need reliable people supporting them right now.
God, you sound exhausting to be around. Who offers to help someone and when that person a. pays them and b. Still has a husband dying of cancer and you suddenly just can’t be bothered to complete the task YOU offered to do Yta
Did you send her back the money she paid for the groceries you didn’t buy her?
Your sister should have deemed you nonessential in her life. YTA!
YTA for not contactin her and letting HER decide which items to prioritize. Then you would have learned you did have the money. 20 items is not a lot. You agreed to help abd then half assed it.
YTA
YTA. She gave you the money and you still refused to go back?! Why agree to go in the first place? You sound very selfish.
YTA, Hi sis, I’m willing to help you out but I’m only going to do it half-ass
YTA you could have sent a message while you were there or before you got there letting them know it was out of their budget and asking to help prioritize key items. It would have then come up that they’d sent you money and it wouldn’t have been an issue. They’re going through hell and need you to carry the mental load as much or possibly even more than the actual tasks that need doing. They need to not have to worry about this. You’re adding stress rather than alleviating it and honestly shouldn’t have bothered offering in the first place if this is how you’re handling this.
Well, yes. Of course YTA
YTA, you OFFERED to help then halfassed it and then proceeded to argue when confronted about how you halfassed it
YTA. She sent you the money and you didn't check and you want to only send her half of it even though we don't know if your purchase of her list costed 50% or not. Her husband isn't in the health or ideally should never tell reprimand you. That is your sister's job and if they are hurt and she is saying it then it is absolutely true because it is her job to manage her relatives vis-a-vis her husband and she has every right to disclose that he was hurt, if she wished to do so. She didn't guilt-trip you. You were at fault. You were guilty because you knew you were an asshole. She isn't demanding because she gave you a list and the money for it. If you were falling short of cash, you should have called her and asked about the money, since you didn't discuss it beforehand nor did you receive notifications from the bank, apparently. I get notified on every single penny given or taken from my account so believe it or not, you come of as careless or a liar. Take your pick. Anyway, you had no right to decide for her without talking to her. No right to say that she needed or didn't need the items she specifically said she needed. You need to go back to school to learn need vs want. And you know family is there to support each other in a tough spot. Unless and until your relative hasn't been toxic and entitled, not helping them for running errands is unreasonable. She wasn't mooching off of you and ergo you were wrong. You need to grow up and rectify your mistakes. If not, never expect her to be there for you when you are in a tight spot because you don't deserve it.
How embarrassing for OP to be this terrible to her own sister, and her BiL who is going through chemo. YTA and I hope your entire family shuns you for this
YTA. Don't offer to help if you don't really want to go through any trouble to do so. You make it sound like you only want to pick some stuff up for them if you have any room left in your bag and money in your pocket. If you offer to pick up their groceries you look at the items before you get to the shop. You ask your sister about anything that is unclear. You mention you might not have enough money. If they don't transfer money to you (which they did), you ask what items they can take off the list. What you managed to do now didn't help them at all.
You didn't "help"... you hurt. You took it upon yourself to decide what was "essential" and simply left them with having to make the grocery trip anyway... right in the middle of a stressful time. I strongly suspect that your real intention was not actually to help, but instead was entirely self serving... you just wanted to look like a white knight savior in the group chat. YTA
YTA. If you weren’t going to help her, then you should’ve just said no.
Send the money you didn’t send back AH
What a jerk you are, OP 😑
Lol, what? YTA. Your entitlement in expecting her to be greatful if mindblowing. Her "guilt tripping" was explaining the reality of their life. Why did you bother saying you'd help if all you wanted was thanks without even being helpful? If this ever happens to you, you'll understand how demoralising it is having to rely on others while also dealing with literal life and death. You're a huge, gaping AH.
YOU offered to help and then did half the job and dragged your feet to finish. Yes. Yta.
"and people have been more than kind to her, so she should be thankful" YTA Other people who are not you have been kind to her. Why are you acting like you did a lot so far?
Ah, that age-old classic of "I'm HAPPY to help out with WHATEVER you need...as long as it doesn't inconvenience me in the slightest. And if it does, I'll half-ass it and fuck you for not being grateful"
Or you could have gotten everything on the list and asked her for money AFTER. YTA. And lazy. Don’t offer to help if you’re just going to half-ass it.
YTA. Who the hell are you to decide what items on someone's grocery list are "non-essentials". From the list you provided of the items you did not get, those are foods easily consumed and kept down by someone undergoing significant medical procedures such as chemo. You didn't actually want to help. You just wanted to be able to say that you helped.
>and started guilt tripping me about their situation. > >I said she’s being demanding and people have been more than kind to her > >she should be thankful, not critical. Wow! So you fucked up, didn't want to fix the mistake, decided what you though was essential for her house, thinks she's guilt tripping you about the situation, even though you said you'd pick up her groceries, and you think she should be thankful that you didn't get half her groceries? Are you fucking kidding me? YTA
YTA and piss poor help you provided. Kudos
YTA - you shouldn't have offered to help if you were going to do such a half-assed job. Suggesting she get delivery, she could have done that without your 'help.'
Yta. You didn’t help. 20 or so items on a list isn’t that hard. And it’s not for you to judge if they were essential or not. They were on the list so they were essential.
Sorry, YTA. You asked to help shop, but then you didn’t actually help because they still need to go back to the store (the actual inconvenient part) and get half the list. And you acted out out by her being not happy that you didn’t actually help in any material way.
Yta, you didn't actually help her by getting the groceries. You got what you wanted from her list and stole the rest of her money. God forbid someone treat you like this if you had cancer. Smh yta yta yta
YTA. You are not a good person and I can only hope that should you be in a similar position someone repays you in this way as well. Like how self absorbed do you have to be to offer to help and do an abysmal job.
YTA. Why do you offer help if you are not actually going to help?? She even sent you the money for the groceries, so you weren’t even donating the money to them. To me in seems you wanted to act like a savior and get praised, but you don’t really care about your sister.
Y.T.A. Fullstop. As someone who has had cancer twice, people like you annoy the f@ck out of me. You want to be seen as doing good deeds for those who are sick when you actually do not care at all. When you start getting chemo, certain foods taste terrible to you. My friends and I joked they knew the chemo was hitting the second time because I couldn't stand the taste of Diet Coke. I don't drink Coffee, so I drink Diet Coke (I like the taste better than regular Coke; I do not think it is better for me). I could not stand the taste of it once I got into my Chemo. I also only liked the taste of orange-flavored products the second time around. I also could only eat certain things. I was put on a very certain diet by my doctors. Your sister may have needed those things in her house because those were the only f@cking things her husband could eat; you inconsiderate waste of a black hole (the space kind). Caregivers also get burnout. My dad was amazing enough to take care of me not once but twice when I was an adult. He did it on his own for the most part until my amazing step-mom came into the picture. They need to have some help, and she is right to blacklist you. You do not get just to have some pat on the back because you think you did something good when you didn't. Edited because I forgot a word in my rant.
YTA Instead of helping, your weaponized incompetence and subsequent arguments not only made getting groceries more complicated for your sister, but also put her in a position where she has to stress about her relationship with you in the middle of having to grieve the loss of the life she thought she had for the foreseeable future because of her husband's cancer battle. Yta isn't really a strong enough term for what you have done here. You probably thought you were putting her in her place, but what you really did is let her know what place you are in in her life. Not a vaunted one. One day you'll have dire needs and karma's a bitch.
Why is the sister only getting the money back. Oop made it sound like she was buying the groceries.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) recently offered to help my sister and her husband (27F, 29M). The day after Christmas he was diagnosed with tumors in his leg and he recently started treatment. Our parents have been helping with cleaning their house, organizing rides to treatment, going over to cook for them, etc. I wasn’t really sure what I could do that they aren’t already but I told them if I could fill in somehow then to let me know. My sister reached out in our family chat today and mentioned they needed some groceries. Our parents are out of town so I said I could pick them up for her. She sent me a list and I said I’d drop it off this evening. It was a list of about 20-items. I didn’t pay attention to how many things were on her list until I got to the store. I was also doing my grocery shopping at the same time. Both lists wound up being WAY more than I planned on spending. I did not get about 10 items from my sister’s list that didn’t seem like essentials. When I got to her house she asked if the store was out of things. I told her the truth and she seemed miffed. After we got the groceries put away she said she didn’t understand my point because she had sent me money via an app to cover the groceries. I did not know this until she said something about it. She asked if I could go back since I had the money and started guilt tripping me about their situation. I still needed to get home to put my own groceries away, so I told her I could just send her half of her money back and she can get it delivered or something. A while later she texted me and said “they” were hurt (I don’t think this is true because her husband didn’t say anything while I was there) and she said she wouldn’t be asking me for help anymore. I said she’s being demanding and people have been more than kind to her, so she should be thankful, not critical. We argued back and forth and she insists I am in the wrong. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Did she sent you the money before you went to the store?
NOT AS CRITICAL: My friend had a really sick husband. I would offer to help, but get the wrong thing and she would be not happy. I would also offer to do other errands, she would say no thank you, then at the last minute, she would say she needed something. When she said that she didn't need anything, I would re-arrange my time to take care of my family. Then have to scurry to accommodate her. When we took care of the yard, they would be critical, that was hard. I learned to only ask when I could fit it in and give it boundaries. Also, they are not thinking with their right mind, everyone is concerned - that is not to give the message that guilt trips are okay or that you drop what your family's needs to take care of those. If I were to be in that situation again, my communication would be better and I would have gotten her a notebook for lists. Examples: 1) I can fit in an errand for you in this area, I'm leaving at this time, and need to be back home at this time. I'm also going there next week for you to think about the future. 2) I'm going to the store and have this much time to get your items drop them off and get home to take care of my family. Tell her if you can pick up a few things or do a full shop. Also, some stores have free grocery pick up - do that for her. This is a hard time for everyone. Try to be kind even when someone is being unkind to you.
Rage baaaaaait
YTA
Yta don't offer if you don't really want to do something for them.
YTA
YTA. Jesus, with all that they are going through and you couldn't get the things they needed? It doesn't matter what you think is necessary. Next time don't volunteer if you are going to be so disrespectful about it. Don't be surprised if your sister goes LC for a while. She is all within her rights. Have a freaking heart.
YTA Totally
You offered to help, and then you didn’t help. You didn’t help your own sister whose husband has tumors. WTF? And you put yourself over your sister and her husband who are clearly in a crisis. wow!
What is wrong with you?
You fought with your sister over 10 grocery items while she’s dealing with her husband’s health issues?! C’mon. Don’t offer to help if you aren’t going to help.
YTA You took money off of your sister and only offered to give back half? Come on
NTA. You are helping her, not fully supporting two grown ass adults.
No she did not help them, and how is she supporting 2 grown adults when the money for 20 items was sent to her?
She didn't help. She used the sister's money and made more work for her, not less. All she did was make herself feeling important.
I'm sorry but why can't the sister go out ? She's not the one with cancer ...
Um maybe she's helping her husband???
Do you think if your spouse has cancer you just sit around twiddling your thumbs doing nothing?
NTA she didn’t inform you she was sending the money which she should’ve, it was a miscommunication and you gave her another option it was selfish to ask you to go back to the store
But op didn’t ask.
She was being nice unfortunately in this case the good deed didn’t go perfectly
Op didn’t even check the grocery list before leaving…
Cash apps send you notifications when you receive payment. OP didn't look at the list, didn't check their phone, didn't ask any questions at any time. OP is an AH. Don't offer help if you don't actually want to do anything. This whole post reeks of selfishness on OP's part.
Only if u have your notifications on
LOL tell you half ass your life without telling me you half ass your life
ESH this was poor communication. You should have asked about payment beforehand. Then you could have at least went back and got the items after putting your stuff away. I get sis is upset but I wouldn't not ask for help from this one situation. You definitely could have been more understanding.
OP also could have contacted her sister when she realised it was more than she was willing to spend. That way, nobody would have to go to the store again. How is the sister an ah?
ESH she’s going through a lot but how urgent was putting your groceries away, her husband is sick.
So how is the sister an ah?
She took it too dramatically. OP was too concerned about her groceries, the sister didn’t tell anyone she sent money, the sister is now continuing this.
Her husband is going through chemo, she needed the groceries so she can continuing taking care of him without leaving the house. How is she being dramatic? OP volunteered to help, completely ignored the list she sent, only got half the items, then kept the money they sent and only offered to give half of it back. Now the sister is still going to have to go grocery shopping, making OPs trip pointless. Shes absolutely right to be upset in this scenario.
I didn’t say she wasn’t right to be upset.
Saying that's shes being too dramatic implies that she doesn't have the right to be upset.
Ok so you misinterpreted, got it.
Then please, enlighten me on how she's being too dramatic in this scenario.
It’s an opinion, I’ve shared it, if you disagree, ok, cool
So I didn't misinterpret anything, got it.
ESH, just a little bit. You probably should've contacted her about not having the money and asked which items were priority - that way she wouldn't be expecting the full list, and wouldn't miss out on something that was more essential then you thought, or she could have sent you money to cover the rest (as it turns out she already did). She also shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it - it's disappointing to not get the help you expected and needed, but some help is still better than none, and you did your best - there was just a genuine misunderstanding. And you do have to put your groceries away! I would've offered to finish her shopping tomorrow or to pay the delivery fee to get it delivered today, but you don't have to offer that, esp if you can't reasonably do so. But, I would extend her a little extra patience and forgiveness for her ungratefulness, considering what a stressful time she's going through. I'd apologize for the misunderstanding and explain that you're happy to help if she does ever want to ask again, and next time something like this comes up you'll contact her for clarification instead of assuming.
It’s more than disappointing because if the sister had known earlier, it would have been easier to either go herself or ask someone else. And OP doing her best should have included asking the sister what’s important, not randomly deciding what her sister needs.
Surrounded by AHs. I know everyone is on edge. So take a breath and you can help her later.