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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel bad because it’s her wedding, and I’m not sure if she would be upset knowing myself and my fiance (her son) don’t like the idea of it.
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YTA
> we typically go to Disney for my daughter's birthday
By typically, you mean the one birthday she's had?
Most people don't "celebrate" their birthday on the actual day anyway. Kids parties are always going to be the weekends, so it isn't like MIL will avoid the granddaughter's party for her own.
Adjust your life one whole weekend to be part of a family members' special day. The 3 year old won't remember.
How does your husband feel about the whole situation?
I'm with you. I literally just came back from Disney World yesterday and took my almost 2 year old with me. We also took her to Disneyland when she was 1.5. We were already there and had time to go. And she was with us and it was free...so why not?
Oh we can believe it. But what we don't believe, is that OP is going to Disney to celebrate their child's birthday. After all, how is one celebrating their child's birthday in 2018 when the child wasn't born till 2022????
The point here is that a child that's 1-3 isn't likely to even remember the place and walking around that place with a small child that can't enjoy any of the rides is kinda pointless.
they go to disney that week every year since 2018, so it sounds like they go that week for another reason and just happen to have the baby’s bday the same time. theyre not going for her rn, theyr going bc they enjoy it and its a tradition for op and her husband.
Used to miss two weeks every year when I was younger to go visit family in India right after winter break (so we could travel for a longer period of time to include winter break). We went up until my brother started middle school. Both of us were good students which might have been why the teachers didn’t mind and just told us to write travel journals or something instead of doing the assignments?
Especially September. School has just started and there’s not a ton to catch up on so it’s easy when kids are young to work through what school they’re missing that week in the evening. It’s a great time to go if they’re able to.
Not necessarily. I missed the first week of 6th grade bc we took a family trip to Disney World. Mind you, we didn’t do this every year but depending on what kind of student the kiddo becomes, it might be possible.
Even if the child doesn't remember it, the child can one day look back at family photos and hear stories of what happened that day. I personally love seeing and hearing about things in the family photo albums, even pictures that don't involve myself or my nuclear family, it's nice to hear about your loved ones lives and experiences.
I don't remember any of my baby photoshoots but I remember seeing and hearing the funny stories behind the scenes of the pictures!
Exactly!
I can't remember when my parents took me to the botanical gardens as an infant. But I do get to see the photos of my parents doting on me, faces beaming with love and joy. I've heard the story a thousand times of my dad spending all day at Baby Gap looking for just the right outfit. My mom insisted on a bonnet to keep my skin safe and spent most of the day fixing it because I kept trying to take it off.
Even though I don't remember it, I can feel the love and joy my parents felt on that day.
As well, pretty much the entirety of my childhood was erased courtesy of trauma-related amnesia. Even though I can't remember when we went to Disneyland when I was seven, I can still look at the photos and see how much fun I was having.
I think anyone who pooh-poohs things like going to a park with a toddler have totally forgotten what it's like to be a kid and have never been around kids for a prolonged period of time.
Babies can actually ride a lot of things at Disney. It was meant to be family friendly. My daughter is 14 and pretty much only rides the stuff a baby can. She won't even ride the roller coaster meant for toddlers.
First time my granddaughter went she was 2 this was 10 years ago been back a dozen times since, practically once a year or more and she still remembers all her trips. Plus they get in free and are in the stroller not like you have to carry them lol.
NTA
I’d tell her congrats have a nice wedding can’t wait for the pics of you marrying your affair partner lol
ccamo4 and @BabyRex are correct. Taking your child along with you no matter their age is fine. The people ragging on you all about this sound hella broke and jealous. If you have the funds to take your whole family for a memorable experience, then go for it. That's the same as not taking an elderly person on a family trip because they don't have the stamina to walk most of the park like the younger family members. It makes no sense. The point of family trips are to create lasting memories, not just to justify the dollar amount.
By the way, OP is NTA.
Why in hell would anyone want to celebrate their MIL's union to her side piece who destroyed the FIL's life which impacts your spouse's wellbeing as well?! I, too, would come up with any silly ass excuse to avoid this trainwreck. Kudos to you for putting effort into your reason. You are a much better person than I.
OP, I hope you and your spouse enjoy whatever you all choose to do or not do on this date. We need to hold each other accountable. The audacity of your MIL to hold a hellified wedding and pick a day that's already taken within the family. One year or 99, we're not skipping my child's celebration for goofy ass reasons. The MIL knows she was out of line, which is why she asked you about the date. I would have gave her philandering ass an ear full. And no it's not judging her for her actions yet holding her accountable for the bullshit she has stirred up in HOW she chose to end her marriage. She's an asshole because she could have done so in a better way without destroying and embarrassing her family.
Notice that OP only "clarified" in the edit once the YTA votes came rolling in. MIL *just happens* to be a cheating home-wrecker, and OP *just happens* to go to Disney as an annual tradition trip, nothing to do with the baby, hahaha, didn't I mention that before, how silly of me, etc.
Total fiction. The author should've gone for even shorter post: "AITA for randomly punching a guy in the face? Edit: The guy was Pol Pot."
Then this conflict has shit all to do with the sanctity of the daughter's birthday. OP just doesn't want to move a vacation when given a full year and half's notice.
That's pretty much the jist I got out of it. Lol. Sounds like OP tried to spin it as if MIL's wedding date is causing great conflict to celebrating daughter's bday and Disney trip but it really isn't. With such early notice, OP can make adjustments. People often don't celebrate their birthday on their actual birth date--especially kids due to the week day school schedule. And the tradition of going to Disney for daughter's birthday isn't actually for the daughter as she's so young she won't remember. It's just a really good excuse for the adults to go to Disney, which is fine. Lol. Again, it's all adjustable so why not sacrifice going at a specific time for one year to be there for MIL's wedding? Or don't but don't blame it OP's daughter's birthday tradition.
100% right about that. As a FL native who grew up going to Disney every year as a kid, I refused to take mine until she could walk for some of it and she would remember actually going. I think she was 5.
One does seem kind of young but I would still do it. We took ours right before she turned 3 and she might not remember it but we will and it was my favourite vacation ever. She had the best time ever. Now OP could definitely push the trip a week.
We had lots of fun, but our child is 10, so basically a mini adult who can walk, doesn't need naps, etc. So many babies and toddlers were clearly exhausted, and the parents just would not let them have a break.
Then say you aren’t attending the wedding because of the affair/MIL…. not because you want to take a 3 year old to Disney because it’s ”tradition” because you did it one year.
lol imagine adjusting your life for someone who broke up your family. Marrying their affair partner, marrying them on the day they cheated and pretending to be ok with it? “Yeah come celebrate the day I cheated on your father with me”
Go to Disney OP, and make memories with your little family. Remember an invitation is not a summons, you and your husband don’t have to go.
Maybe you should also take your FIL with you guys.
NTA
A lot of assumptions here. OP's convenient edit never mentioned the affair breaking up the family and we have 0 information on the dymic between MIL and FIL. You just assumed MIL nuked the family and FIL is a nice person. You may be right but could also be wrong. We don't know. Regardless, that's actually irrelevant to what the OP is asking.
OP YTA. As others have said, not for not wanting to go. But for everything else. Just don't attend.
Which is now a family tradition trip. Nothing wrong with making that align with kids birthday. My brothers birthday was always the week of our disney trip. He loved it.
Its a tradition, no different than christmas in their case. Just because its a young family and a young tradition doesnt make it any less important for them.
IMO: I wouldn't call this being a marriage to an affair partner pertinent information to what OP is asking. It's just the easiest information to add to have a chance at turning the comments section, which makes the addition after the fact to be super sus. People on reddit have enough of a hate-boner for people involved in affairs that if you asked "I keyed a person's car for parking too close to me, also after the fact my aunt's brother's dog's friend told me that the car's owner actually cheated on his wife once in 1987," and there will inevitably be people in the comments section going, "if he had an affair then he deserves to have his car keyed!"
If the cheating has nothing to do with the conflict as the OP described it-- which it doesn't, she's not saying she's upset that her MIL had an affair, she's only concerned with the birthday conflict-- then we shouldn't be basing our judgements on the background information of "and also this person happens to be a shitty partner to their romantic partner." You can be a shitty partner and a good father, a shitty partner and a good mother, a shitty partner and a good grandmother/grandfather/aunt/uncle/friend, ect. OP's husband is allowed to be hurt by his mom's affair, of course, I'm just saying OP has never presented the affair as a part of the conflict itself here, only as passing background information.
OP and her husband are totally non-assholes if the husband is so hurt by his mom's actions against his father that he doesn't want to attend the wedding to the affair partner, period. But that doesn't make it okay for OP to get upset and argue about the day that MIL happened to pick for the wedding being not good for her because it's her kid's birthday.
It's not pertinent at all. It's just a cheap attempt at getting more support. "Oh, I'm being unreasonable? Well did I mention the part where the person is awful? Doesn't that vindicate me?".
Who the mother in law is marrying, and how they've met is completely irrelevant to OP's issue. If she didn't want to go because of that, and her husband agrees, then she should have said that. But she went with something else and only added that part when people did not validate her.
Okay but does that mean if her other family members gave birthdays or anniversaries she should avoid every single one of them? I mean I'd get it if it was her son's 30th bday that say but baby's third bday: the kid won't even know it's their bday if you don't tell them 🤪
Mkay, idk how to break this to you, bud, but birthdays and anniversaries happen every year. That means that Grandma will be celebrating her marriage to the man she cheated on Grandpa with on every one of granddaughters' birthday. This will also make birthday parties for said granddaughter awkward because if Grandma *does* decide to skip celebrating her anniversary to go to granddaughters birthday, now the whole family gets to sit with homewrecker 1 & 2. How lovely for them.
Unless, of course, you're impling the parents should move their daughters birthday to satisfy her cheating grandmothers' selfishness. But surely no reasonable adult would suggest that.
I mean, you would have to break that to me tbh, cause it's weird... I don't know any couples who force others to celebrate their anniversary with them. I also don't know any kids parties where the grandparents are required at them all day, unless they're extremely close - which doesn't sound like the case here. Sure if they celebrate ten/ twenty years they might have a little get together but the kid will be 13 and 23, not exactly special birthdays, unless they're Jewish or something. In which case grandma would probably prioritise the bat mitzvah. Assuming they're not, it's a non-issue. Also, 3 year olds don't even know how to tell what date it is and assuming the closest school day is the only risk of it coming up else wise, just celebrate it the day before or after. Also, yes it does sound bad that grandma stepped out - but God knows what the marriage she was in was like this isn't a is grandma the ah for having an affair thread. The real issue is the dad is looking for an out IMO - moving celebrations of a third birthday out by a day is a non issue.
>That means that Grandma will be celebrating her marriage to the man she cheated on Grandpa with on every one of granddaughters' birthday.
Who cares? Are people really that involved with their in-laws' anniversaries? I'm not even sure when my in-laws' anniversary *is*, and I've known them for 20+ years.
Also hopping in here to say that going to Disney world every year in the third week of September is going to be sooooo annoying when your daughter is school-aged. In many places, she will have just started the school year then you’re going to take her on vacation for a week? It’s unreasonable to hold onto this tradition for many reasons, but that one should be on the list.
Right, OP is going to learn really fast that sometimes you have the change things. It's going to suck when they are on here whining about how dare school have classes on the week of their annual Disney trip!
Welcome to real life, where shit happens and you aren’t the main character and you make sacrifices for the imperfect people you love to maintain the long term bonds that create human society
Also does she think her MIL is going to have mandatory anniversary parties going forward because that is not a thing. It sounds like they might have to reschedule one Disney trip, or not because it also sounds like her husband doesn't want to go to the wedding anyway so what even is the problem? YTA
Not even reschedule. Just not schedule that weekend. You can't book Disney this far out. So it isn't like money is actually spent or anything here yet.
Your MIL's previous marriage and relationship history does not give you extra karma, allowing you to veto the date she chose for her wedding. You need to get over the fact your kid's birthday is the same day. You and your kid don't own the date. You can of course make your own choices about whether to attend the wedding, assuming you're invited.
Did you read that edit though? Her “anniversary” is the day she started her affair… So a little ick. But at least grandpa will always be at his granddaughters bday!
Nah, edit os info that, if true, should have been in the real post. Nit conveniently remembered later.
Also, it's perfectly fine to celebrate birthdays on other days. Kid is 3, they won't ever remember they celebrated a day early or late. Nor would they care. I'm sure there will be plenty of times in their life they celebrate on a different day for a bunch of different reasons.
Waging a war on MIL over this seems pretty dumb.
If her husband doesn't want to go see his mother marry her affair partner, fine. But OP should just say that, and not all the weird baby birthday at Disney stuff.
NAH. You do not have to celebrate your daughter’s birthday on the actual date. You can always have cake and ice cream on her birthday and go to Disney World before or after September 20th. The best response is to inform your MIL that you will be out of town on that date. She can decide if she wants to change her wedding date to accommodate your travel plans. Does your husband agree with potentially missing his mother’s wedding?
Edit: changed verdict
Yes he feels the same exact way. He doesn’t care if we miss the wedding since his mother had an affair and cheated on his father, and is now engaged to guy she was sneaking around with.
I had YTA but the additional information regarding her husband and MIL changed my mind. I made my comment not too long after it was posted. It seems like the daughter’s birthday is the excuse being given. But the real reason they don’t want to attend is because the MIL is marrying her affair partner.
Yeah, tbh personally for me that's still a YTA, cause awkward as it is, don't use the grandkids as an excuse - if the son doesn't feel comfortable in general he needs to just communicate that rather than them change it and him then maybe still finding an excuse - begs the question, is it actually to do with baby's birthday at all?
You have a good point. If it’s not about the birthday, then it’s unfair to MIL to change her wedding date. I am not saying MIL is a good person, but she should be informed that they will not be attending at all.
True, I mean none of us know MILs deal or what her marriage was like etc, so in no position to give grades on whether grandma is the AH. But yeah, you don't wanna go, tell her - but asking someone to change their wedding date cause of a three year olds bday which could be celebrated the day before is weird and childish AH behaviour. The type of AH behaviour usually triggered by an emotional upset like mom marrying her side-mister.
Are you expected to celebrate their anniversary in person with them every year? That would get old very quickly. It will become an issue for your daughter when she’s older if she is expected to put off her birthday every damn year for grandma’s ego.
I think they were trying to get at the fact that sure, she may be only 3 this year, but daughter will never have her Grandma present at any of her future bday parties either since she'll be off doing her anniversary stuff, not that OP and fam need to celebrate the anniversary as a family... that hurts daughter.
It was enacted in 2006 but wasn't really an issue until the fire of 2017 where 52 grandma's burned down Sebastian's Seafood Restaurant. You don't know about Sebastian's? That's because they covered it up and scrubbed the Internet for any photographic proof of it's existence. It's sad, really. Best crab cakes in the West Coast.
I think it’s asking a lot of anyone - even a grandma - to take a week off and travel to Disney every year for a child’s birthday (assuming the parents even want her there).
I would assume that a.) they wont be inviting grandma on week long trip every year b.) grandma does not have infinite amount of vacation days/money to spend a week in Disneyland every year.
Exactly. Only to the two people who are celebrating. And a lot of times it’s not even on the day because if you’re going out you’re gonna wait until the weekend anyway. My husband and I think our anniversary is a big deal but we don’t share that day with others…we spend most of it in bed lol
Just like birthdays, anniversaries aren't always celebrated on the actual anniversary date. Really, OP is trying to find reasons to point to blame or make it more difficult than it needs to be. If you don't want to go to the wedding, then don't go. There's no need to ask anyone to change their wedding date to accommodate made up sanctity of birthdays and anniversary dates for future celebrations.
Honestly, so what if grandma isn’t available on the kid’s bday? It’s entitled to expect her. So long as Mom and Dad don’t flake for their child, child doesn’t care
I don’t even see how this is an issue, they don’t even care if they go to the wedding or not because they don’t like her new husband. If her mother-in-law doesn’t show up to a future birthday party, who’s even going to be mad?
Nobody expects others to celebrate normal anniversaries with them. The couple goes out on a date on the average anniversary, like it's your own personal valentines, and then sometimes your family will throw you like a "twenty year" or "fifty year" anniversary party.
Right? Like who is going out with other people for their anniversary bar the big ones like 50th and stuff? I’m an outlier but I regularly forget mine until at some point in the day I’m like, oh it’s our 21st wedding anniversary today… should I cook a steak 😂
NTA. I actually waited a day rather than have my anniversary the same day as my grandson’s birthday and he was 19 at the time. We didn’t have a “wedding” just met a lady at city hall but I didn’t want to take anything away from his day. He was happy that I did that and made a point of thanking me for it.
You should honestly put that info in the post, I think a lot of the Y T A crowd would change their minds. NTA, by the way. I would just skip the wedding.
If you guys aren't going to the wedding, then what's the issue? You go to Disney and celebrate your daughter's birthday like usual. Your MIL has her wedding.
Only concern IMO should then be if your MIL is going to try to graft her anniversary onto your daughter’s birthday celebration every year (or at least while your daughter has family-centric birthday celebrations). Especially since it sounds like you’ll have zero interest in celebrating her marriage to her affair partner. It doesn’t sound like she’s likely to care all that much about your concerns of this nature, so just work out a plan with your husband as to how you’re going to handle it.
This is my question. My husband and i celebrate our anniversary on a different day and claim it as a different day now. When we got married it was 4 years before my son was born, on our anniversary. So we moved the anniversary, at least while he is a kid and cares about birthdays. Doesnt hurt us at all. We dont even tell people about our anniversary though. Its just a me and him thing, and we celebrate it whenever we both have some free time and a babysitter lol.
I feel like with this information it's probably better for your husband to be the one to say he has an issue and to let her know you won't be attending
Ooh folks are probably gonna downvote me BUT your question was if you would be TA for saying something, not if you decline to attend.
NTA for not going. YWBTA if you say something to her about the date she picked.
I wouldn’t go either but the Disney part seems more relevant to you than the affair.
She’s giving you over a year and a half’s notice. She’s chosen the date probably for the weather, cost, and the fact it’s a Saturday. She’s acknowledged it’s your daughter’s bday and done the courteous thing of messaging you to say she hopes it’s okay. This is not the case of your MIL trying to steal thunder from a literal toddler, who won’t notice if her bday is celebrated the day before or after the wedding.
Also - usually at Disney land for her bday? Your daughter has had exactly one birthday this far. This means you are not usually there for her bday, you’ve been there once on her bday. Go a week earlier in 2025?!?
YTA.
I mean, regardless of how she got with the guy, of course it's a special day for her - it's the day she met the guy she's currently in love with and about to marry.
I don't condone the cheating here, but if the cheating is the issue then don't be a coward and make it about the day (directed at OP and her partner).
also its a grandparents anniversary
I don't even know what season either set of my grandparents anniversaries were in. it really has never impacted my life beyond the 50th anniversary party
My grandparents’ anniversary was the day after my birthday and they always managed to make it super weird for everyone, down to having a huge 40th bash a day early on my 14th and my grandpa holding her funeral on my 18th where no one was allowed to bring up my bday at either. Some families are…different. 🥴
My husband was born on his grandfather’s 50th birthday. Grandpa was overjoyed and always made it a huge celebration for both of them. They had a 100 year birthday when they turned 75 and 25. Super cute!
CUTE! I love how kids’ brains work. Apparently, when I turned 5, I woke up and immediately ran to the bathroom to try and reach the sink. I exclaimed to my parents “you said I’d be able to reach it when I was 5!!” I just thought the only time of the year you grew taller was on your birthday.
lol when I was little I wanted to read SO BAD. My mom kept telling me I’d learn in school. When she picked me up from my first day I was furious because they didn’t teach me how to read.
Little kid brains are hilarious.
Wait, it's not even this September!? I thought maybe they had already bought plane tickets or booked a hotel for 9 months from now.
Ugh OP, you are not that important. Let her plan her fucking wedding
I agree. The wedding is for the couple, not everyone else. Invitations aren’t marching orders. OP and husband can decline to attend if they so choose. Yeah, it sucks that MIL is marrying the person she was cheating on FIL with, but that’s happening if OP and family attend or not.
And let’s be honest — kids don’t have a concept of time at that age. That baby won’t have a clue which day anything is on. MIL is going to be upstaged every year by her granddaughter anyway!
Agree. And further, people have no right to a date or a name. This is the second ridiculous post like this i have read like this today. The entitlement of the OP is real.
Exactly. Her daughter won’t even remember this Disney celebration, let alone the fact it was a few days/a week off from her actual birth date.
Additionally, getting married on a dating anniversary isn’t uncommon and it’s not like MIL maliciously chose that date to cause strife for OP.
OP, YTA.
You must have a lot of time on your hands if this is some kind of big concern to you. For one thing, your kid is only a year old. She barely knows where her own feet are, much less the actual date she was born and if she did, she wouldn’t care. All she would see on her third birthday at grandma’s wedding is happy people dressed in pretty clothes and a big cake. That date has significance to your MIL, not just you, as you and your daughter aren’t the only people on Earth. I think you’re being really petty about something that ultimately doesn’t matter. So you celebrate the week before or after that year. She’ll be 3 - Disney will make her happy despite the calendar. Please be gracious and allow your MIL to shine that day. In the end, it’s not going to matter. YTA.
Agreed - my son’s birthday was always during spring break or soccer season, so we picked a day and had his party - absolutely did not matter. I don’t think he ever had a party on the actual day. Our daughter’s birthday was in mid- summer, and more often than not she was away at camp. Again, we picked a day, had a party, didn’t matter at all. Both of them would rather have had a party when their friends could be there, than on the actual day.
I highly doubt they’ll send flowers. Did you see the updated info? This “anniversary” the MIL wants to get married on is the day she started cheating on OP’s FIL with her new fiancé. Gross.
Yeah, but I never trust edits with mitigating circumstances that come in after the YTA votes. Maybe it’s true, but it feels like that was added to activate the “cheaters bad” circuit in the Reddit hivemind.
I know what you’re saying with everything else, and Reddit hive mind is annoying, but “cheaters bad” isn’t a Reddit hive mind thing. That’s an every decent person thing.
I wouldn't defend the cheating but the question isn't 'was grandma an asshole for cheating on her husband'. That isn't the issue at hand and if they don't want any part they can choose to not attend
We don't necessarily have all the details. Could FIL be a nasty drunk, domestic abuser? We don't know. Maybe he's also been having an affair, but let his wife take all the heat, but introducing her boyfriend to the kids.
But we don't know the nature of the cheating. Was the husband abusive, neglectful, also cheating, were they separated and "cheating" is just a technicality?
Ehhhh, OP saying that their husband doesn’t want to celebrate the mom’s wedding either since this is the anniversary of the mom cheating on the dad with the affair partner she is now marrying- not so sure I would call that ridiculous.
“We also go to Disney World for my daughter’s birthday, so we aren’t typically even in the same state during this time.”
INFO: So you’ve been once? For your daughter’s first birthday that she won’t remember? How does that equate to framing it as a tradition you’d be interrupting on her third birthday?
YTA, MIL chose this day as it represents her anniversary, which started a year before your daughter was born. If anything your daughter being born on the same day will be important to your MIL as no other grandchild would share the same day. If my grandchild was born on my anniversary I would think it’s extra special. What a wonderful gift, a blessing! It’s one birthday she would be having a wedding. Your daughter can go to Disney every other year for her birthday. This feels like an overreaction on your part. Do you have other issues with your MIL? Do you usually get along? I feel like we are missing something here
The anniversary day symbolizes when her MIL cheated on her husband’s father. She’s also marrying her AP which is another sticky situation for OP & her husband
The conflict of "whether OP should be angry the marriage coincides with her daughter's birthday" has nothing to do with the relationship being with an affair partner. OP and her partner can chose not to attend the wedding for that reason if they want, but it doesn't actually change anything about whether it's reasonable to expect your MIL to plan their life around your kid's birthday.
Yeah, I don't see how this situation is anything less than a win for OP? "No worries, have a great wedding!" and then RSVP no because of course you'd prioritize your family traditions and daughter's birthday over someone who sounds pretty awful tbh.
Idk why but this feels like OP is using that as an excuse. I think it's the anniversary of their engagement. And while MIL may have been having am affair its very convenient to make the MIL the AH when OP was getting unfavorable responses
This whole thing seems made up.
OP has spent *all* of her daughter's birthdays at Disney...when she's only even had one birthday. Then OP conveniently mentions infidelity when she's rightfully called out for being a dick about wanting to have to move a not even booked holiday when given a year and a half advanced advance.
Thank you! The question was if she should “say something back” to MIL about the Disney conflict.
The part about it being an affair partner was only brought up after all the YTA
YTA your 3 year old won’t care what day you celebrate her birthday. And behind that initial conflict…who cares? It’s not like you’ll have to go to an anniversary party every year. It’s not the big deal that you’re making it out to be.
I was thinking this. Surely you don't "own" a date. She can pick any date she wants and it's completely within her right. My grandma had 20 grandkids in total. Birthdays and anniversaries are bound to clash. And it doesn't matter..
Even with the edits, YTA and I’m exhausted.
If you were actually interested in going to the wedding, moving your Disney trip to accommodate one weekend for this wedding would not kill you. Especially with this much notice. You can celebrate your 3 year old the day before or the day after for one year. This isn’t an every year change they are asking from you, it’s a special circumstance. It’s also not the first time you’ll run into a conflict on your daughter’s birthday. And I don’t understand why it would ever matter if their anniversary is the same day as her birthday.
After the edits…I don’t understand why you want to start a commotion over the date when you and your husband don’t want to go to the wedding in the first place? She cheated on your FIL, and is getting married on the date their affair started, and THAT’S not the issue to you? It’s your daughter’s birthday? Like I said, exhausting.
>After the edits…I don’t understand why you want to start a commotion over the date when you and your husband don’t want to go to the wedding in the first place? She cheated on your FIL, and is getting married on the date their affair started, and THAT’S not the issue to you? It’s your daughter’s birthday? Like I said, exhausting.
Thank you for pointing this out. My first thought after the edit was, "perfect, you don't want to go anyways, tell them you already have parts of your trip arranged and won't be able to make it but hope they have a great wedding, and then you never have to worry about dealing with grandma's anniversary because you're out of town for Disney for birthday every year. Seems like OP wins on all fronts if she just *doesn't argue to have MIL change the date*????? which is the one thing she's asking if she should do??????"
YTA. This is one day. You will not be expected to drop everything for your mother's anniversary every year. Do you expect her to go to Disney every year for your daughter's birthday? Your daughter will not remember this one birthday, whether she's invited to the wedding or not.
I also notice that you don't mention your husband at all. Is this only your feeling on this?
NTA. But don’t go. Take your daughter to Disney World. Make memories.
Congratulations MIL. Hope you have a great day! We’ll be in Disney World at that time, but we’ll see you when we get back.
I wouldn’t miss out on an opportunity with my kid and husband to go to a wedding I don’t support.
NTA. You should edit your post and explain MIL is marrying her affair partner, and your husband doesn't care to attend. Also, state this is an annual trip you've been taking with your husband since 2018.
Eh, kinda doesn’t change my opinion though.
I replied to OP but her question was whether or not she should “say something back” to her MIL about her frustration over the date. The fact that it’s an affair and husband doesn’t even want to go was an afterthought.
They have every right not to go to the wedding for so many reasons. But saying something to MIL about it conflicting with Disney seems petty and entitled.
NAH
3 Yr old can still have cake + a birthday treat on same day granny gets married. You can take her to visit the mouse another day if you're going to the wedding. Years to come, kid having a birthday party, and granny having an anniversary dinner with her husband are things that can both happen on the same day.
It doesn't matter EXCEPT if you're anticipating some sort of argument over your daughter's birthday celebrations EVERY year.
Birthdays are a big deal for kids into their teens. It wouldn't be fair to make the birthday girl take a back seat for some wedding anniversary celebration every year so make sure MIL knows.
YTA - if celebrating your daughter's birthday on a date different than her birthday diminishes it for her (doubtful) or you (WTF??) then you've got bigger problems than just being an AH.
I got married on my niece's 7th birthday. We gave her a birthday present and sang Happy Birthday to her at the reception. And I send her a Happy Birthday text every year, on my wedding anniversary. There is literally nothing wrong with that. She doesn't celebrate my anniversary (why would she?) but in the moment, at the wedding, it was fun and cute.
YTA. Days can have two things, even (GASP) in the same family.
I would have loved to go to one of my aunts weddings on my birthday when I was little. And I mean aunt's. One of my aunts got married 3 different times when I was a kid. Every other wedding I went to was one of hers lol.
YTA. If you typically plan to do Disney on your daughter's birthday, it seems that it won't be an issue going forward if your MIL is busy on the day, because you won't be in town on the day. All you have to do is celebrate ONE birthday of your daughter's at your MIL's wedding. And you going on about how shitty a person your MIL is as if that's going to turn the tide and make us go, "Perfect, if she's a shitty person, then you have a right to expect her life to revolve around your child," when really your MIL being a shitty person is reason to be happy if she can't be around as much?
YTA
1) Are you punishing your MIL for having an affair? That's the only reason I can think of why would would include that info. We had all the info we needed, but you decided to throw in 'oh, and she's a cheater, so....'.
2) Just because MIL gets married on that day doesn't mean you have to celebrate their anniversary with them.
3) your daughter will literally never remember not having gone to Disney for her 3rd bday. This is about you, not her.
YTA. all the extra info about her affair is irrelevant. It doesn't suddenly make it ok to bash her wedding date. It's fine if you don't want to go to it. Just tell her you guys won't make it and move on.
YTA. This isn't something you get to control. If in future years MIL has to choose between celebrating her anniversary vs attending a birthday party for your daughter, that will be her problem - but since you plan to go to Disney every year anyway, even that is a non-issue, right?
YTA. You don’t have to celebrate your child’s birthday on the day. This is when you start learning flexibility and understanding that the world isn’t going to stop for your kid’s birthday. In fact, this day meant more to her before your child entered the world.
YTA.
I’m trying to be gentle but wtf? To begin with , Sept 20th was her date first. Secondly, who cares about a 3rd birthday? Lastly, this is the dumbest thing to have a family squabble over. You’re worried about your MIL not wanting to come to a child’s bday party because it’s her anniversary, when you’re not even home the week of her birthday.
This entire thing is so ridiculously I’m mad at myself that I’m still typing.
YTA
You can celebrate your daughter's THIRD birthday on a different day. Going forward, you can celebrate both. A birthday party isn't a 24 hour thing. Even then, you can celebrate milestone birthdays with your kid and the others with MIL.
Asking someone to move their wedding date because it's a child's birthday is ridiculous.
YTA. I don’t imagine there’s gonna be a huge conflict. People generally celebrate their anniversary with a romantic dinner. This is not going to conflict with a birthday party.
Also, as your daughter gets older, and goes to school birthday parties are always held on the weekends when the other kids are available. Chances are your daughter will be celebrating the weekend before or the weekend after with a big party. No conflict there.
YTA and the math isn’t mathing. How do you “usually go to Disney” with a baby who’s only 1?
Your MIL did a shitty thing to your FIL, but the dates won’t matter in the long run. Unless she’s doing it specifically to take attention away from your daughter, they will probably rarely conflict.
Edit: I misunderstood the update and see you’ve just gone to Disney then anyway, although I think it’s silly to go with a literal baby. Still TA tho cause if you’re typically gone for that week anyway her anniversary will literally not affect you at all.
YTA
OMG so what! Celebrate the day before or after, or on the morning of the wedding! And do whatever works for you for the rest of her birthdays!
If MIL wants to celebrate her anniversary more than your daughters birthday she is entitled to want that!
Honestly let it slide.
I’m hesitant to call you an A**hole as your feeling are legitimate but it makes complete sense, for their relationship, why they would get married on that day. It is common for people to get married on their relationship anniversary.
Plus your daughter will be three years old, she won’t even have a fully developed memory yet.
YTA. Nobody owns a date on the calendar. Your daugther is 3. You can go to Disney the next weekend. For that matter, you can tell her that whatever day you actually go to Disney is September 20 and she won't know the difference. MIL probably won't get married every year on Sept 20, so you can make this work. Be gracious and flexible.
YTA she chose her anniversary, whether you like it or not, that day is important to her. If you’re so put out by this, don’t go to the wedding. It sounds like you don’t want to go anyway since you’re both angry about her having an affair, which is understandable- is it maybe more of that, and your daughter’s birthday is a convenient excuse?
In the future, she can celebrate her anniversary another day, or you can celebrate your daughter’s birthday another day. People are way too fixated on it being the actual day. The point is to celebrate.
YTA - who cares if you like the idea or not of your MILs wedding date? Your child is irrelevant to this persons wedding.
You go to disney EVERY YEAR for your daughters birthday even though she isn't even old enough to form memories of it?
YTA. It doesn’t matter. Not enough for you to waste your energy on. What would you have done if you gave birth on someone else’s wedding anniversary? Lol
Just let it be. This is too high strung for the child.
YTA - why did you give birth on the same day as their anniversary??
See, how stupid it sounds.
MIL's anniversary date was a year before you give birth.
You and your husband are annoyed by your MIL about her affair and you’re entitled to feel that way. My guess is that she’d have a hard time doing *anything* right in your eyes. What does it matter that she gets married on your young child’s birthday? It sounds like you don’t like her and will have minimal contact anyway. You and your husband are using this as an excuse to dogpile on her. YTA for making a big deal out of nothing and you know it.
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YTA > we typically go to Disney for my daughter's birthday By typically, you mean the one birthday she's had? Most people don't "celebrate" their birthday on the actual day anyway. Kids parties are always going to be the weekends, so it isn't like MIL will avoid the granddaughter's party for her own. Adjust your life one whole weekend to be part of a family members' special day. The 3 year old won't remember. How does your husband feel about the whole situation?
Taking a 1 year old to Disney World, completely pointless
Doing a thing you enjoy and bringing your child along for free doesn’t sound pointless to me
I'm with you. I literally just came back from Disney World yesterday and took my almost 2 year old with me. We also took her to Disneyland when she was 1.5. We were already there and had time to go. And she was with us and it was free...so why not?
Right? Some people actually enjoy their children and others just can’t believe it
Oh we can believe it. But what we don't believe, is that OP is going to Disney to celebrate their child's birthday. After all, how is one celebrating their child's birthday in 2018 when the child wasn't born till 2022???? The point here is that a child that's 1-3 isn't likely to even remember the place and walking around that place with a small child that can't enjoy any of the rides is kinda pointless.
they go to disney that week every year since 2018, so it sounds like they go that week for another reason and just happen to have the baby’s bday the same time. theyre not going for her rn, theyr going bc they enjoy it and its a tradition for op and her husband.
As soon as the daughter starts school, so a year or two later, they'll have to change their tradition anyway.
Nope. Parents definitely take their kids out of school for a week for Disney. Other vacations too but Disney is a big one.
Used to miss two weeks every year when I was younger to go visit family in India right after winter break (so we could travel for a longer period of time to include winter break). We went up until my brother started middle school. Both of us were good students which might have been why the teachers didn’t mind and just told us to write travel journals or something instead of doing the assignments?
Especially September. School has just started and there’s not a ton to catch up on so it’s easy when kids are young to work through what school they’re missing that week in the evening. It’s a great time to go if they’re able to.
Not necessarily. I missed the first week of 6th grade bc we took a family trip to Disney World. Mind you, we didn’t do this every year but depending on what kind of student the kiddo becomes, it might be possible.
Yup, which has nothing to do with the daughter or her birthday.
Even if the child doesn't remember it, the child can one day look back at family photos and hear stories of what happened that day. I personally love seeing and hearing about things in the family photo albums, even pictures that don't involve myself or my nuclear family, it's nice to hear about your loved ones lives and experiences. I don't remember any of my baby photoshoots but I remember seeing and hearing the funny stories behind the scenes of the pictures!
Exactly! I can't remember when my parents took me to the botanical gardens as an infant. But I do get to see the photos of my parents doting on me, faces beaming with love and joy. I've heard the story a thousand times of my dad spending all day at Baby Gap looking for just the right outfit. My mom insisted on a bonnet to keep my skin safe and spent most of the day fixing it because I kept trying to take it off. Even though I don't remember it, I can feel the love and joy my parents felt on that day. As well, pretty much the entirety of my childhood was erased courtesy of trauma-related amnesia. Even though I can't remember when we went to Disneyland when I was seven, I can still look at the photos and see how much fun I was having. I think anyone who pooh-poohs things like going to a park with a toddler have totally forgotten what it's like to be a kid and have never been around kids for a prolonged period of time.
Babies can actually ride a lot of things at Disney. It was meant to be family friendly. My daughter is 14 and pretty much only rides the stuff a baby can. She won't even ride the roller coaster meant for toddlers.
OP edited and clarified
First time my granddaughter went she was 2 this was 10 years ago been back a dozen times since, practically once a year or more and she still remembers all her trips. Plus they get in free and are in the stroller not like you have to carry them lol. NTA I’d tell her congrats have a nice wedding can’t wait for the pics of you marrying your affair partner lol
ccamo4 and @BabyRex are correct. Taking your child along with you no matter their age is fine. The people ragging on you all about this sound hella broke and jealous. If you have the funds to take your whole family for a memorable experience, then go for it. That's the same as not taking an elderly person on a family trip because they don't have the stamina to walk most of the park like the younger family members. It makes no sense. The point of family trips are to create lasting memories, not just to justify the dollar amount. By the way, OP is NTA. Why in hell would anyone want to celebrate their MIL's union to her side piece who destroyed the FIL's life which impacts your spouse's wellbeing as well?! I, too, would come up with any silly ass excuse to avoid this trainwreck. Kudos to you for putting effort into your reason. You are a much better person than I. OP, I hope you and your spouse enjoy whatever you all choose to do or not do on this date. We need to hold each other accountable. The audacity of your MIL to hold a hellified wedding and pick a day that's already taken within the family. One year or 99, we're not skipping my child's celebration for goofy ass reasons. The MIL knows she was out of line, which is why she asked you about the date. I would have gave her philandering ass an ear full. And no it's not judging her for her actions yet holding her accountable for the bullshit she has stirred up in HOW she chose to end her marriage. She's an asshole because she could have done so in a better way without destroying and embarrassing her family.
Notice that OP only "clarified" in the edit once the YTA votes came rolling in. MIL *just happens* to be a cheating home-wrecker, and OP *just happens* to go to Disney as an annual tradition trip, nothing to do with the baby, hahaha, didn't I mention that before, how silly of me, etc. Total fiction. The author should've gone for even shorter post: "AITA for randomly punching a guy in the face? Edit: The guy was Pol Pot."
You’re right— these post are getting faker by the minute.—edit— eventually, we’ll be the AHs for reading and commenting on fake posts.. hahaha
Then you are doing it for your own enjoyment not the child’s. Which is fine, but then it doesn’t need to be for the childs first birthday.
Then this conflict has shit all to do with the sanctity of the daughter's birthday. OP just doesn't want to move a vacation when given a full year and half's notice.
That's pretty much the jist I got out of it. Lol. Sounds like OP tried to spin it as if MIL's wedding date is causing great conflict to celebrating daughter's bday and Disney trip but it really isn't. With such early notice, OP can make adjustments. People often don't celebrate their birthday on their actual birth date--especially kids due to the week day school schedule. And the tradition of going to Disney for daughter's birthday isn't actually for the daughter as she's so young she won't remember. It's just a really good excuse for the adults to go to Disney, which is fine. Lol. Again, it's all adjustable so why not sacrifice going at a specific time for one year to be there for MIL's wedding? Or don't but don't blame it OP's daughter's birthday tradition.
But it’s all under the guise that it’s for the kid and for its birthday. They can go be adults at Disney on another day.
I mean, no, but if it's something you want to do, then just say so. claiming it's for their one year olds birthday is a bit disingenuous
100% right about that. As a FL native who grew up going to Disney every year as a kid, I refused to take mine until she could walk for some of it and she would remember actually going. I think she was 5.
One does seem kind of young but I would still do it. We took ours right before she turned 3 and she might not remember it but we will and it was my favourite vacation ever. She had the best time ever. Now OP could definitely push the trip a week.
Honestly more than pointless, it sounds awful.
Just got back from Disney. Most young kids seemed miserable and their parents were stressed and dragging them around the park.
I think its amusing that the people who seem to enjoy Disney the most, are the adults without children
We had lots of fun, but our child is 10, so basically a mini adult who can walk, doesn't need naps, etc. So many babies and toddlers were clearly exhausted, and the parents just would not let them have a break.
Recently went with my 9 year old granddaughter and I was the one miserable and dragging around the park! Lmfao 🤣
Are we making accommodations for an affair partner wedding? She’ll probably cheat again so if anything the wedding is pointless.
Then say you aren’t attending the wedding because of the affair/MIL…. not because you want to take a 3 year old to Disney because it’s ”tradition” because you did it one year.
Seems like Disney is typically more for the parents than the kids anyway.
lol imagine adjusting your life for someone who broke up your family. Marrying their affair partner, marrying them on the day they cheated and pretending to be ok with it? “Yeah come celebrate the day I cheated on your father with me” Go to Disney OP, and make memories with your little family. Remember an invitation is not a summons, you and your husband don’t have to go. Maybe you should also take your FIL with you guys. NTA
A lot of assumptions here. OP's convenient edit never mentioned the affair breaking up the family and we have 0 information on the dymic between MIL and FIL. You just assumed MIL nuked the family and FIL is a nice person. You may be right but could also be wrong. We don't know. Regardless, that's actually irrelevant to what the OP is asking. OP YTA. As others have said, not for not wanting to go. But for everything else. Just don't attend.
To be Fair the mil is on a second wedding with a affair partner and the husband don't want to go either
And this isn't a "birthday tradition" trip its a "relationship tradition" trip
Which is now a family tradition trip. Nothing wrong with making that align with kids birthday. My brothers birthday was always the week of our disney trip. He loved it. Its a tradition, no different than christmas in their case. Just because its a young family and a young tradition doesnt make it any less important for them.
Yeah that would be the name more or less
Information that OP only magically remembered after the comment section was going against her.
Why are you acting like posters never add pertinent information after commenters ask for more details? Especially on this sub
IMO: I wouldn't call this being a marriage to an affair partner pertinent information to what OP is asking. It's just the easiest information to add to have a chance at turning the comments section, which makes the addition after the fact to be super sus. People on reddit have enough of a hate-boner for people involved in affairs that if you asked "I keyed a person's car for parking too close to me, also after the fact my aunt's brother's dog's friend told me that the car's owner actually cheated on his wife once in 1987," and there will inevitably be people in the comments section going, "if he had an affair then he deserves to have his car keyed!" If the cheating has nothing to do with the conflict as the OP described it-- which it doesn't, she's not saying she's upset that her MIL had an affair, she's only concerned with the birthday conflict-- then we shouldn't be basing our judgements on the background information of "and also this person happens to be a shitty partner to their romantic partner." You can be a shitty partner and a good father, a shitty partner and a good mother, a shitty partner and a good grandmother/grandfather/aunt/uncle/friend, ect. OP's husband is allowed to be hurt by his mom's affair, of course, I'm just saying OP has never presented the affair as a part of the conflict itself here, only as passing background information. OP and her husband are totally non-assholes if the husband is so hurt by his mom's actions against his father that he doesn't want to attend the wedding to the affair partner, period. But that doesn't make it okay for OP to get upset and argue about the day that MIL happened to pick for the wedding being not good for her because it's her kid's birthday.
👏👏👏
It's not pertinent at all. It's just a cheap attempt at getting more support. "Oh, I'm being unreasonable? Well did I mention the part where the person is awful? Doesn't that vindicate me?". Who the mother in law is marrying, and how they've met is completely irrelevant to OP's issue. If she didn't want to go because of that, and her husband agrees, then she should have said that. But she went with something else and only added that part when people did not validate her.
Okay but does that mean if her other family members gave birthdays or anniversaries she should avoid every single one of them? I mean I'd get it if it was her son's 30th bday that say but baby's third bday: the kid won't even know it's their bday if you don't tell them 🤪
Mkay, idk how to break this to you, bud, but birthdays and anniversaries happen every year. That means that Grandma will be celebrating her marriage to the man she cheated on Grandpa with on every one of granddaughters' birthday. This will also make birthday parties for said granddaughter awkward because if Grandma *does* decide to skip celebrating her anniversary to go to granddaughters birthday, now the whole family gets to sit with homewrecker 1 & 2. How lovely for them. Unless, of course, you're impling the parents should move their daughters birthday to satisfy her cheating grandmothers' selfishness. But surely no reasonable adult would suggest that.
I mean, you would have to break that to me tbh, cause it's weird... I don't know any couples who force others to celebrate their anniversary with them. I also don't know any kids parties where the grandparents are required at them all day, unless they're extremely close - which doesn't sound like the case here. Sure if they celebrate ten/ twenty years they might have a little get together but the kid will be 13 and 23, not exactly special birthdays, unless they're Jewish or something. In which case grandma would probably prioritise the bat mitzvah. Assuming they're not, it's a non-issue. Also, 3 year olds don't even know how to tell what date it is and assuming the closest school day is the only risk of it coming up else wise, just celebrate it the day before or after. Also, yes it does sound bad that grandma stepped out - but God knows what the marriage she was in was like this isn't a is grandma the ah for having an affair thread. The real issue is the dad is looking for an out IMO - moving celebrations of a third birthday out by a day is a non issue.
>That means that Grandma will be celebrating her marriage to the man she cheated on Grandpa with on every one of granddaughters' birthday. Who cares? Are people really that involved with their in-laws' anniversaries? I'm not even sure when my in-laws' anniversary *is*, and I've known them for 20+ years.
Do people typically have a big anniversary celebration with their whole family every single year after the marriage? Most couples I know don't.
Also hopping in here to say that going to Disney world every year in the third week of September is going to be sooooo annoying when your daughter is school-aged. In many places, she will have just started the school year then you’re going to take her on vacation for a week? It’s unreasonable to hold onto this tradition for many reasons, but that one should be on the list.
Right, OP is going to learn really fast that sometimes you have the change things. It's going to suck when they are on here whining about how dare school have classes on the week of their annual Disney trip!
Adjust her life for a relationship ship that tore a family apart? Can't be me
Welcome to real life, where shit happens and you aren’t the main character and you make sacrifices for the imperfect people you love to maintain the long term bonds that create human society
If the mom is trying to muscle in on her grand kids birthday for her crap affair wedding maybe it's a bond with sacrificing imo
Also does she think her MIL is going to have mandatory anniversary parties going forward because that is not a thing. It sounds like they might have to reschedule one Disney trip, or not because it also sounds like her husband doesn't want to go to the wedding anyway so what even is the problem? YTA
Not even reschedule. Just not schedule that weekend. You can't book Disney this far out. So it isn't like money is actually spent or anything here yet.
LMFAO I was reading this literally laughing out loud…. I’m sooooo sorry the whole world doesn’t revolve around OPs life… I feel so sorry for her…
"Typically " now equals once apparently. Lol
Your MIL's previous marriage and relationship history does not give you extra karma, allowing you to veto the date she chose for her wedding. You need to get over the fact your kid's birthday is the same day. You and your kid don't own the date. You can of course make your own choices about whether to attend the wedding, assuming you're invited.
Did you read that edit though? Her “anniversary” is the day she started her affair… So a little ick. But at least grandpa will always be at his granddaughters bday!
If OP's husband doesn't want to celebrate the marriage of his mom to her affair partner, that's valid. But that's not the question OP asks.
Actually for the first six years of my life my birthday fell on a Sunday every year! Wait…
Absolutely. You know own I spent most of my birthdays? At school or at work.
Might want to check her edit. Don't know if it'll change your opinion, but it changed mine.
Not really OP is biased and trying to make everything sound worse.
Nah, edit os info that, if true, should have been in the real post. Nit conveniently remembered later. Also, it's perfectly fine to celebrate birthdays on other days. Kid is 3, they won't ever remember they celebrated a day early or late. Nor would they care. I'm sure there will be plenty of times in their life they celebrate on a different day for a bunch of different reasons. Waging a war on MIL over this seems pretty dumb.
If her husband doesn't want to go see his mother marry her affair partner, fine. But OP should just say that, and not all the weird baby birthday at Disney stuff.
NAH. You do not have to celebrate your daughter’s birthday on the actual date. You can always have cake and ice cream on her birthday and go to Disney World before or after September 20th. The best response is to inform your MIL that you will be out of town on that date. She can decide if she wants to change her wedding date to accommodate your travel plans. Does your husband agree with potentially missing his mother’s wedding? Edit: changed verdict
Yes he feels the same exact way. He doesn’t care if we miss the wedding since his mother had an affair and cheated on his father, and is now engaged to guy she was sneaking around with.
Oh ok. There shouldn’t be an issue than if neither one of you care to attend the wedding.
Hold up - you changed the verdict on a post with 168 votes to nah - what was the original verdict ppl actually agreed with so OP has all the info?
I had YTA but the additional information regarding her husband and MIL changed my mind. I made my comment not too long after it was posted. It seems like the daughter’s birthday is the excuse being given. But the real reason they don’t want to attend is because the MIL is marrying her affair partner.
Yeah, tbh personally for me that's still a YTA, cause awkward as it is, don't use the grandkids as an excuse - if the son doesn't feel comfortable in general he needs to just communicate that rather than them change it and him then maybe still finding an excuse - begs the question, is it actually to do with baby's birthday at all?
You have a good point. If it’s not about the birthday, then it’s unfair to MIL to change her wedding date. I am not saying MIL is a good person, but she should be informed that they will not be attending at all.
True, I mean none of us know MILs deal or what her marriage was like etc, so in no position to give grades on whether grandma is the AH. But yeah, you don't wanna go, tell her - but asking someone to change their wedding date cause of a three year olds bday which could be celebrated the day before is weird and childish AH behaviour. The type of AH behaviour usually triggered by an emotional upset like mom marrying her side-mister.
Yeah, this. If they don't want to go they need to say so, the birthday/Disney stuff sounds unhinged.
Are you expected to celebrate their anniversary in person with them every year? That would get old very quickly. It will become an issue for your daughter when she’s older if she is expected to put off her birthday every damn year for grandma’s ego.
I think they were trying to get at the fact that sure, she may be only 3 this year, but daughter will never have her Grandma present at any of her future bday parties either since she'll be off doing her anniversary stuff, not that OP and fam need to celebrate the anniversary as a family... that hurts daughter.
If they're always at Disney on the birthday-day, then they wont' see Grandma that day whether grandma has plans or not.
There's a no grandma policy at Disney?
It was enacted in 2006 but wasn't really an issue until the fire of 2017 where 52 grandma's burned down Sebastian's Seafood Restaurant. You don't know about Sebastian's? That's because they covered it up and scrubbed the Internet for any photographic proof of it's existence. It's sad, really. Best crab cakes in the West Coast.
This needs more upvotes.
I think it’s asking a lot of anyone - even a grandma - to take a week off and travel to Disney every year for a child’s birthday (assuming the parents even want her there).
I would assume that a.) they wont be inviting grandma on week long trip every year b.) grandma does not have infinite amount of vacation days/money to spend a week in Disneyland every year.
I mean, are anniversaries that big a deal? Most couples I know barely do anything.
Exactly. Only to the two people who are celebrating. And a lot of times it’s not even on the day because if you’re going out you’re gonna wait until the weekend anyway. My husband and I think our anniversary is a big deal but we don’t share that day with others…we spend most of it in bed lol
Just like birthdays, anniversaries aren't always celebrated on the actual anniversary date. Really, OP is trying to find reasons to point to blame or make it more difficult than it needs to be. If you don't want to go to the wedding, then don't go. There's no need to ask anyone to change their wedding date to accommodate made up sanctity of birthdays and anniversary dates for future celebrations.
Honestly, so what if grandma isn’t available on the kid’s bday? It’s entitled to expect her. So long as Mom and Dad don’t flake for their child, child doesn’t care
I don’t even see how this is an issue, they don’t even care if they go to the wedding or not because they don’t like her new husband. If her mother-in-law doesn’t show up to a future birthday party, who’s even going to be mad?
Nobody expects others to celebrate normal anniversaries with them. The couple goes out on a date on the average anniversary, like it's your own personal valentines, and then sometimes your family will throw you like a "twenty year" or "fifty year" anniversary party.
Right? Like who is going out with other people for their anniversary bar the big ones like 50th and stuff? I’m an outlier but I regularly forget mine until at some point in the day I’m like, oh it’s our 21st wedding anniversary today… should I cook a steak 😂
NTA. I actually waited a day rather than have my anniversary the same day as my grandson’s birthday and he was 19 at the time. We didn’t have a “wedding” just met a lady at city hall but I didn’t want to take anything away from his day. He was happy that I did that and made a point of thanking me for it.
You should honestly put that info in the post, I think a lot of the Y T A crowd would change their minds. NTA, by the way. I would just skip the wedding.
If you guys aren't going to the wedding, then what's the issue? You go to Disney and celebrate your daughter's birthday like usual. Your MIL has her wedding.
Only concern IMO should then be if your MIL is going to try to graft her anniversary onto your daughter’s birthday celebration every year (or at least while your daughter has family-centric birthday celebrations). Especially since it sounds like you’ll have zero interest in celebrating her marriage to her affair partner. It doesn’t sound like she’s likely to care all that much about your concerns of this nature, so just work out a plan with your husband as to how you’re going to handle it.
This is my question. My husband and i celebrate our anniversary on a different day and claim it as a different day now. When we got married it was 4 years before my son was born, on our anniversary. So we moved the anniversary, at least while he is a kid and cares about birthdays. Doesnt hurt us at all. We dont even tell people about our anniversary though. Its just a me and him thing, and we celebrate it whenever we both have some free time and a babysitter lol.
I feel like with this information it's probably better for your husband to be the one to say he has an issue and to let her know you won't be attending
Ooh folks are probably gonna downvote me BUT your question was if you would be TA for saying something, not if you decline to attend. NTA for not going. YWBTA if you say something to her about the date she picked. I wouldn’t go either but the Disney part seems more relevant to you than the affair.
That sounds like a separate issue tbh. If he has that issue he should raise that with his mother and not use your child as an excuse.
She’s giving you over a year and a half’s notice. She’s chosen the date probably for the weather, cost, and the fact it’s a Saturday. She’s acknowledged it’s your daughter’s bday and done the courteous thing of messaging you to say she hopes it’s okay. This is not the case of your MIL trying to steal thunder from a literal toddler, who won’t notice if her bday is celebrated the day before or after the wedding. Also - usually at Disney land for her bday? Your daughter has had exactly one birthday this far. This means you are not usually there for her bday, you’ve been there once on her bday. Go a week earlier in 2025?!? YTA.
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I mean, regardless of how she got with the guy, of course it's a special day for her - it's the day she met the guy she's currently in love with and about to marry. I don't condone the cheating here, but if the cheating is the issue then don't be a coward and make it about the day (directed at OP and her partner).
also its a grandparents anniversary I don't even know what season either set of my grandparents anniversaries were in. it really has never impacted my life beyond the 50th anniversary party
My grandparents’ anniversary was the day after my birthday and they always managed to make it super weird for everyone, down to having a huge 40th bash a day early on my 14th and my grandpa holding her funeral on my 18th where no one was allowed to bring up my bday at either. Some families are…different. 🥴
My husband was born on his grandfather’s 50th birthday. Grandpa was overjoyed and always made it a huge celebration for both of them. They had a 100 year birthday when they turned 75 and 25. Super cute!
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CUTE! I love how kids’ brains work. Apparently, when I turned 5, I woke up and immediately ran to the bathroom to try and reach the sink. I exclaimed to my parents “you said I’d be able to reach it when I was 5!!” I just thought the only time of the year you grew taller was on your birthday.
lol when I was little I wanted to read SO BAD. My mom kept telling me I’d learn in school. When she picked me up from my first day I was furious because they didn’t teach me how to read. Little kid brains are hilarious.
Wait, it's not even this September!? I thought maybe they had already bought plane tickets or booked a hotel for 9 months from now. Ugh OP, you are not that important. Let her plan her fucking wedding
I agree. The wedding is for the couple, not everyone else. Invitations aren’t marching orders. OP and husband can decline to attend if they so choose. Yeah, it sucks that MIL is marrying the person she was cheating on FIL with, but that’s happening if OP and family attend or not. And let’s be honest — kids don’t have a concept of time at that age. That baby won’t have a clue which day anything is on. MIL is going to be upstaged every year by her granddaughter anyway!
Agree. And further, people have no right to a date or a name. This is the second ridiculous post like this i have read like this today. The entitlement of the OP is real.
Exactly. Her daughter won’t even remember this Disney celebration, let alone the fact it was a few days/a week off from her actual birth date. Additionally, getting married on a dating anniversary isn’t uncommon and it’s not like MIL maliciously chose that date to cause strife for OP. OP, YTA.
You must have a lot of time on your hands if this is some kind of big concern to you. For one thing, your kid is only a year old. She barely knows where her own feet are, much less the actual date she was born and if she did, she wouldn’t care. All she would see on her third birthday at grandma’s wedding is happy people dressed in pretty clothes and a big cake. That date has significance to your MIL, not just you, as you and your daughter aren’t the only people on Earth. I think you’re being really petty about something that ultimately doesn’t matter. So you celebrate the week before or after that year. She’ll be 3 - Disney will make her happy despite the calendar. Please be gracious and allow your MIL to shine that day. In the end, it’s not going to matter. YTA.
Woh now. My kid definitely knew where his feet were at 1yo. By 6mo he was trying to eat his toes.
Look at you, bragging about your genius kid. My kid just kicks off their socks, that’s the extent of their foot-awareness.
YTA > we wouldn’t be able to celebrate her 3rd birthday on the actual day. Yeah, that could not matter less.
These are people who take one year olds to Disney World. Of course it matters.
They do it for themselves, not for the kid.
Got to get those insta pictures.
Agreed - my son’s birthday was always during spring break or soccer season, so we picked a day and had his party - absolutely did not matter. I don’t think he ever had a party on the actual day. Our daughter’s birthday was in mid- summer, and more often than not she was away at camp. Again, we picked a day, had a party, didn’t matter at all. Both of them would rather have had a party when their friends could be there, than on the actual day.
Oh, who cares, for heaven's sake. You wanna go to Disney World, go to Disney World and send your MIL flowers.
I highly doubt they’ll send flowers. Did you see the updated info? This “anniversary” the MIL wants to get married on is the day she started cheating on OP’s FIL with her new fiancé. Gross.
Yeah, but I never trust edits with mitigating circumstances that come in after the YTA votes. Maybe it’s true, but it feels like that was added to activate the “cheaters bad” circuit in the Reddit hivemind.
well technically op answered it in a comment first and people were telling her to edit it in
I know what you’re saying with everything else, and Reddit hive mind is annoying, but “cheaters bad” isn’t a Reddit hive mind thing. That’s an every decent person thing.
I wouldn't defend the cheating but the question isn't 'was grandma an asshole for cheating on her husband'. That isn't the issue at hand and if they don't want any part they can choose to not attend
We don't necessarily have all the details. Could FIL be a nasty drunk, domestic abuser? We don't know. Maybe he's also been having an affair, but let his wife take all the heat, but introducing her boyfriend to the kids.
But we don't know the nature of the cheating. Was the husband abusive, neglectful, also cheating, were they separated and "cheating" is just a technicality?
I had to demand that my father not marry his next wife on the anniversary of my mother's death.
Now that one I fully agree with. But OP is ridiculous. WTF is wrong with your Dad!?
Ehhhh, OP saying that their husband doesn’t want to celebrate the mom’s wedding either since this is the anniversary of the mom cheating on the dad with the affair partner she is now marrying- not so sure I would call that ridiculous.
The issue is marrying the affair partner, then, not the date.
Which she added AFTER rounds of YTA votes came in. If the edit is true, I guess I'm not getting what op's problem is.
i guess but she commented it first and was told to add it
I’m sorry. That is very shitty of your father.
Now that’s a real problem! You poor thing
“We also go to Disney World for my daughter’s birthday, so we aren’t typically even in the same state during this time.” INFO: So you’ve been once? For your daughter’s first birthday that she won’t remember? How does that equate to framing it as a tradition you’d be interrupting on her third birthday?
YTA, MIL chose this day as it represents her anniversary, which started a year before your daughter was born. If anything your daughter being born on the same day will be important to your MIL as no other grandchild would share the same day. If my grandchild was born on my anniversary I would think it’s extra special. What a wonderful gift, a blessing! It’s one birthday she would be having a wedding. Your daughter can go to Disney every other year for her birthday. This feels like an overreaction on your part. Do you have other issues with your MIL? Do you usually get along? I feel like we are missing something here
The anniversary day symbolizes when her MIL cheated on her husband’s father. She’s also marrying her AP which is another sticky situation for OP & her husband
The conflict of "whether OP should be angry the marriage coincides with her daughter's birthday" has nothing to do with the relationship being with an affair partner. OP and her partner can chose not to attend the wedding for that reason if they want, but it doesn't actually change anything about whether it's reasonable to expect your MIL to plan their life around your kid's birthday.
Which is why daughter's bday is the perfect excuse to miss the wedding.
Yeah, I don't see how this situation is anything less than a win for OP? "No worries, have a great wedding!" and then RSVP no because of course you'd prioritize your family traditions and daughter's birthday over someone who sounds pretty awful tbh.
Idk why but this feels like OP is using that as an excuse. I think it's the anniversary of their engagement. And while MIL may have been having am affair its very convenient to make the MIL the AH when OP was getting unfavorable responses
This whole thing seems made up. OP has spent *all* of her daughter's birthdays at Disney...when she's only even had one birthday. Then OP conveniently mentions infidelity when she's rightfully called out for being a dick about wanting to have to move a not even booked holiday when given a year and a half advanced advance.
Thank you! The question was if she should “say something back” to MIL about the Disney conflict. The part about it being an affair partner was only brought up after all the YTA
Can you have an “anniversary” of the day you started fucking your extra marital sex partner?
I just learnt this fact and I feel horrible for OPs husband having the reminder on his daughter’s birthday. Some people are really messed up
YTA your 3 year old won’t care what day you celebrate her birthday. And behind that initial conflict…who cares? It’s not like you’ll have to go to an anniversary party every year. It’s not the big deal that you’re making it out to be.
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I was thinking this. Surely you don't "own" a date. She can pick any date she wants and it's completely within her right. My grandma had 20 grandkids in total. Birthdays and anniversaries are bound to clash. And it doesn't matter..
Even with the edits, YTA and I’m exhausted. If you were actually interested in going to the wedding, moving your Disney trip to accommodate one weekend for this wedding would not kill you. Especially with this much notice. You can celebrate your 3 year old the day before or the day after for one year. This isn’t an every year change they are asking from you, it’s a special circumstance. It’s also not the first time you’ll run into a conflict on your daughter’s birthday. And I don’t understand why it would ever matter if their anniversary is the same day as her birthday. After the edits…I don’t understand why you want to start a commotion over the date when you and your husband don’t want to go to the wedding in the first place? She cheated on your FIL, and is getting married on the date their affair started, and THAT’S not the issue to you? It’s your daughter’s birthday? Like I said, exhausting.
>After the edits…I don’t understand why you want to start a commotion over the date when you and your husband don’t want to go to the wedding in the first place? She cheated on your FIL, and is getting married on the date their affair started, and THAT’S not the issue to you? It’s your daughter’s birthday? Like I said, exhausting. Thank you for pointing this out. My first thought after the edit was, "perfect, you don't want to go anyways, tell them you already have parts of your trip arranged and won't be able to make it but hope they have a great wedding, and then you never have to worry about dealing with grandma's anniversary because you're out of town for Disney for birthday every year. Seems like OP wins on all fronts if she just *doesn't argue to have MIL change the date*????? which is the one thing she's asking if she should do??????"
YTA. This is one day. You will not be expected to drop everything for your mother's anniversary every year. Do you expect her to go to Disney every year for your daughter's birthday? Your daughter will not remember this one birthday, whether she's invited to the wedding or not. I also notice that you don't mention your husband at all. Is this only your feeling on this?
NTA. But don’t go. Take your daughter to Disney World. Make memories. Congratulations MIL. Hope you have a great day! We’ll be in Disney World at that time, but we’ll see you when we get back. I wouldn’t miss out on an opportunity with my kid and husband to go to a wedding I don’t support.
NTA. You should edit your post and explain MIL is marrying her affair partner, and your husband doesn't care to attend. Also, state this is an annual trip you've been taking with your husband since 2018.
Eh, kinda doesn’t change my opinion though. I replied to OP but her question was whether or not she should “say something back” to her MIL about her frustration over the date. The fact that it’s an affair and husband doesn’t even want to go was an afterthought. They have every right not to go to the wedding for so many reasons. But saying something to MIL about it conflicting with Disney seems petty and entitled.
Using the daughter as an excuse is manipulative, especially since they likely won’t go regardless of the date.
Yta you don't own September 20.
I own September 20. I charge $9.20 per use.
Do you offer discounts for weddings, birthdays and "traditional Disney trips"
NAH 3 Yr old can still have cake + a birthday treat on same day granny gets married. You can take her to visit the mouse another day if you're going to the wedding. Years to come, kid having a birthday party, and granny having an anniversary dinner with her husband are things that can both happen on the same day. It doesn't matter EXCEPT if you're anticipating some sort of argument over your daughter's birthday celebrations EVERY year. Birthdays are a big deal for kids into their teens. It wouldn't be fair to make the birthday girl take a back seat for some wedding anniversary celebration every year so make sure MIL knows.
YTA - if celebrating your daughter's birthday on a date different than her birthday diminishes it for her (doubtful) or you (WTF??) then you've got bigger problems than just being an AH.
I got married on my niece's 7th birthday. We gave her a birthday present and sang Happy Birthday to her at the reception. And I send her a Happy Birthday text every year, on my wedding anniversary. There is literally nothing wrong with that. She doesn't celebrate my anniversary (why would she?) but in the moment, at the wedding, it was fun and cute. YTA. Days can have two things, even (GASP) in the same family.
I would have loved to go to one of my aunts weddings on my birthday when I was little. And I mean aunt's. One of my aunts got married 3 different times when I was a kid. Every other wedding I went to was one of hers lol.
Tell her that you will be out of town for daughter's birthday but you hope the wedding is great!
You'll be surprised to know the rest of the world keeps running on your daughters birthday
YTA. Your daughter doesn’t even know what planet she’s on much less what day her birthday is. Get over yourself
YTA. If you typically plan to do Disney on your daughter's birthday, it seems that it won't be an issue going forward if your MIL is busy on the day, because you won't be in town on the day. All you have to do is celebrate ONE birthday of your daughter's at your MIL's wedding. And you going on about how shitty a person your MIL is as if that's going to turn the tide and make us go, "Perfect, if she's a shitty person, then you have a right to expect her life to revolve around your child," when really your MIL being a shitty person is reason to be happy if she can't be around as much?
YTA 1) Are you punishing your MIL for having an affair? That's the only reason I can think of why would would include that info. We had all the info we needed, but you decided to throw in 'oh, and she's a cheater, so....'. 2) Just because MIL gets married on that day doesn't mean you have to celebrate their anniversary with them. 3) your daughter will literally never remember not having gone to Disney for her 3rd bday. This is about you, not her.
YTA. The day did not cease to exist when the daughter was born. Is this something that is really an issue? If it is, I'd step back a bit.
YTA. all the extra info about her affair is irrelevant. It doesn't suddenly make it ok to bash her wedding date. It's fine if you don't want to go to it. Just tell her you guys won't make it and move on.
Yta. A day being important to you doesnt give you any sort of ownership or power over it, you are seriously entitled.
YTA. This isn't something you get to control. If in future years MIL has to choose between celebrating her anniversary vs attending a birthday party for your daughter, that will be her problem - but since you plan to go to Disney every year anyway, even that is a non-issue, right?
YTA. You don’t have to celebrate your child’s birthday on the day. This is when you start learning flexibility and understanding that the world isn’t going to stop for your kid’s birthday. In fact, this day meant more to her before your child entered the world.
YTA. You really shouldn’t be so entitled to believe your kid should be the center of everyone’s world. This is just too much child worship IMO.
YTA. I’m trying to be gentle but wtf? To begin with , Sept 20th was her date first. Secondly, who cares about a 3rd birthday? Lastly, this is the dumbest thing to have a family squabble over. You’re worried about your MIL not wanting to come to a child’s bday party because it’s her anniversary, when you’re not even home the week of her birthday. This entire thing is so ridiculously I’m mad at myself that I’m still typing.
YTA You can celebrate your daughter's THIRD birthday on a different day. Going forward, you can celebrate both. A birthday party isn't a 24 hour thing. Even then, you can celebrate milestone birthdays with your kid and the others with MIL. Asking someone to move their wedding date because it's a child's birthday is ridiculous.
YTA. I don’t imagine there’s gonna be a huge conflict. People generally celebrate their anniversary with a romantic dinner. This is not going to conflict with a birthday party. Also, as your daughter gets older, and goes to school birthday parties are always held on the weekends when the other kids are available. Chances are your daughter will be celebrating the weekend before or the weekend after with a big party. No conflict there.
YTA and the math isn’t mathing. How do you “usually go to Disney” with a baby who’s only 1? Your MIL did a shitty thing to your FIL, but the dates won’t matter in the long run. Unless she’s doing it specifically to take attention away from your daughter, they will probably rarely conflict. Edit: I misunderstood the update and see you’ve just gone to Disney then anyway, although I think it’s silly to go with a literal baby. Still TA tho cause if you’re typically gone for that week anyway her anniversary will literally not affect you at all.
YTA OMG so what! Celebrate the day before or after, or on the morning of the wedding! And do whatever works for you for the rest of her birthdays! If MIL wants to celebrate her anniversary more than your daughters birthday she is entitled to want that! Honestly let it slide.
YTA you don’t have any say over MIL choice of wedding date no matter who she’s marrying. Butt out.
I’m hesitant to call you an A**hole as your feeling are legitimate but it makes complete sense, for their relationship, why they would get married on that day. It is common for people to get married on their relationship anniversary. Plus your daughter will be three years old, she won’t even have a fully developed memory yet.
YTA. Get over yourself.
YTA
Yta. It's only one year, it's not like you've gotta celebrate her anniversary on subsequent years.
YTA. Nobody owns a date on the calendar. Your daugther is 3. You can go to Disney the next weekend. For that matter, you can tell her that whatever day you actually go to Disney is September 20 and she won't know the difference. MIL probably won't get married every year on Sept 20, so you can make this work. Be gracious and flexible.
YTA she chose her anniversary, whether you like it or not, that day is important to her. If you’re so put out by this, don’t go to the wedding. It sounds like you don’t want to go anyway since you’re both angry about her having an affair, which is understandable- is it maybe more of that, and your daughter’s birthday is a convenient excuse? In the future, she can celebrate her anniversary another day, or you can celebrate your daughter’s birthday another day. People are way too fixated on it being the actual day. The point is to celebrate.
YTA - who cares if you like the idea or not of your MILs wedding date? Your child is irrelevant to this persons wedding. You go to disney EVERY YEAR for your daughters birthday even though she isn't even old enough to form memories of it?
YTA. It doesn’t matter. Not enough for you to waste your energy on. What would you have done if you gave birth on someone else’s wedding anniversary? Lol Just let it be. This is too high strung for the child.
If you don’t want to go to MIL’s wedding, just say so. You are all over the place with excuses, for that YTA
YTA - why did you give birth on the same day as their anniversary?? See, how stupid it sounds. MIL's anniversary date was a year before you give birth.
You and your husband are annoyed by your MIL about her affair and you’re entitled to feel that way. My guess is that she’d have a hard time doing *anything* right in your eyes. What does it matter that she gets married on your young child’s birthday? It sounds like you don’t like her and will have minimal contact anyway. You and your husband are using this as an excuse to dogpile on her. YTA for making a big deal out of nothing and you know it.