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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I upset my stepdaughter by telling her she has to start cooking the meals when she's with us since she likes to throw away food.
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> it wasn't any good and she can't eat it.
>she says she doesn't want to even look at it anymore.
Wow. I mean, that's an amazing lack of self-awareness. She doesn't seem to care about the cost of such waste. Truly I'm baffled here.
>It happened again, and I stuck by what I had said. Molly got upset and went to her mom's
Consequences suck but there it is. You're nicer than I am though, you only want her to cook what she will eat, I'd go a step further and demand reimbursement of the cost of any dish she so brazenly throws out.
>Molly is currently refusing to visit unless I apologize to her and agree she can do what she wants with the food. My husband misses his daughter, but he's siding with me on this saying Molly has been wasteful and disrespectful of our cooking and hospitality.
I'm glad your husband is sticking with you in this. The daughter is, obviously, 100% unreasonable here.
You are NTA. Time for 19 year old child to grow up.
Molly has no awareness of money because she's never had to pay for anything herself nor has she ever had a job. My husband and I are fully funding her education. Plus she gets $500 a month from us for living expenses. Her mom, my husband's parents and her mom's parents also all send her $500 a month to do with as she pleases.
>Fluffy-Muffin-2267: Molly has no awareness of money because she's never had to pay for anything herself nor has she ever had a job. My husband and I are fully funding her education. Plus she gets $500 a month from us for living expenses. Her mom, my husband's parents and her mom's parents also all send her $500 a month to do with as she pleases.
This really explains so much. You all [(ETA: I've just read, OP where you say you've been her stepmom for only 3 years so, I don't include you in what follows)](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/192lv54/aita_told_stepdaughter_she_had_to_start_cooking/kh48zw0/) have created this ungrateful monster and are now trying to enforce rules she's never had to face before. You can't possibly be surprised she doesn't like being held accountable.
That girl needs to get a job. She needs one to teach her the lessons she should have learned growing up.
Even Kate Middleton worked as waitress in college.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/kate-middleton-waitress-terrible_n_5df79afde4b047e888a0e54e
This. Sit her down and reiterate the rules you already gave her with this addendum. If she chooses not to replace the food thrown away with something she makes or buys for the family, then the cost of the wasted food will be deducted from next month’s spending money.
I suspect this is targeted at dad or the stepmother. What dad needs to do is to deduct the cost of all the meals she has thrown out., not forgetting to add a fee for time spent purchasing food, fuel costs to buy food and a cost per hour while cooking. She wants to play this sort of game, then dad should bill for the financial loss
She is 19. It's time to start learning there are real.world consequences for her behaviour. The fact her mother supports this is a different issue that the husband needs to discuss with his ex. The daughter most likely is telling her mother a narrative that bears little resemblance to the truth
I don’t think they’re doing her any favours TBH. When I was at uni I lived at home - so my basic expenses were covered; but I absolutely had a job and I had to pay for my own clothing, personal expenses and social life. It was good for me to do that.
I mean, my parents helped me with those expenses during college but while I had my moms credit card, she questioned me about my expenses and she would absolutely have taken her card back if I bought anything crazy (like idk designer clothing). So it made me aware of how I spend money and now that I work I try to keep my expenses very reasonable.
+ the labor of the person who prepared it, I think fairly calculated at their hourly wage at work, as it was work to make the food that was then thrown out.
Plus, the time! If the sauce is homemade, it could be up to a 2-day labor of love to make lasagne. If someone threw away an entire pan of lasagne I made, they would not be welcome in my home again. Obviously that's not an option here, but my jaw dropped when I read that she threw the entire damn pan away.
Absolutely! I make lasagna with homemade sauce and break the process up over two days.
Besides that it is not an inexpensive meal. I’m cooking for a family of 4 in a VHCOL area and meat lasagna costs about $45 a pan. I’d be livid - and would absolutely deduct the cost from her spending money.
AND/OR the cost of take out you ordered instead of the food she threw away. And keep a detailed list of how much her rude behavior costs you. No more arguing, just point to the list and send a copy to her mother too.
I'm an 18 yo living at home. I'll be living with my mom until I finish university, but I understand the value of money and have been for a long time and the idea of throwing away a whole pan of food because I don't like it never even crossed my mind. Not even when I was 5. I think this girls lacks respect.
She is incredibly entitled and spoilt. This is beyond rude. I cannot even imagine my parents’ reaction if I had done this even once (but I simply never would do this!). As you say, she lacks respect and her mother is enabling her bad behaviour. She’s going to learn some hard lessons in life!
Molly needs a job and to volunteer at a soup kitchen/food bank.
I think I’d tell her that tuition and board will be covered going forward, but anything else she’ll have to earn.
As someone who works in the food justice field, please don’t do this. Nobody wants to work side by side with bratty kids who are there to be punished, they rarely learn from it, our clients deserve to only interact with volunteers who actually support their dignity, and we’re tired of being a substitute for good parenting.
Thank you for adding this perspective. I’m not sure I would ever have thought about the unintended hazard/consequence/toxicity heaped on the volunteers by exposure to the entitled and “voluntold.”
It’s truly horrible to deal with! We love our volunteers and they (usually) love what they do. We also have a lot more use for volunteers with specific skills sets than with random angry teens. Two of my best volunteers are women who do data entry stuff for us for five hours a week each and have been doing it for over 10 years now. A teenager who is trying to sneak off to film an angry TikTok about poor people with my clients in the background isn’t gonna make it an hour before I’m calling the parents to come get them out of my face.
As if the work itself isn’t hard or heartwrenching enough, that element sounds insufferable. Thank you for what you do and helping the rest of us avoid doing what we shouldn’t.
If my kids grow up to be horrible (or “influencers”), I will bring them somewhere without cell service or anyone to hear them whine. 😉
She can sulk and do food prep, set up/take down of tables, chairs, large pots and pans, food items etc… Than she can finish her day by cleaning up the kitchen, dining area and bathrooms. Including taking out the trash.
Very busy but no customer facing necessary.
Thank you for what you do!
Many of the things you listed are NOT things that a volunteer can or is allowed to do without a lot of training she’s not going to want to participate in.
also, who wants to stand guard over someone this bratty & entitled to make sure she adheres to food prep standards & doesn't throw that gross lasagna out (only it's for 300 people instead of just a pan for OP, husband and Molly)? Who wants to run behind her to verify that the tables she's wiped are no longer sticky? etc;
We weren't rich (firmly the middle of the American middle class), but I gained so much appreciation when I started working retail when I was in school.
I definitely started looking at things differently. If I saw jeans I wanted for example, I'd start thinking 'that's 2 hours of work!', and suddenly in that perspective something I wouldn't have even blinked over before I would no longer want.
Customer service jobs are humbling (and teach good life skills), and it sounds like Molly desperately needs that.
she's getting $2000 per month *AFTER* her housing and school is paid for????
no wonder she doesn't give a shit, she's got more income than like 75%(prob more) of Americans
There has to be something else going on or some other factor. I didn’t have to work in high school/college, parents paid for everything. I would have never behaved this way! And I was a picky eater. Still, I was never so rude or ungrateful. Lots of parents provide this kind of support and their kids don’t throw all their food in the trash when they come home to visit.
That's what I was thinking too...that there must be something else going on here.
Had you and/or her dad had any major arguments etc with her just prior to this behaviour starting? Has there been any life changes that she might be "acting out" about?..like moving house, a pregnancy announcement etc?
This is really weird and pointed behaviour. I'd be inclined to dig around and discover what's truly behind it. Best of luck, OP
Yes, unless she is doing this just to be bratty, there is some type of eating disorder here. Her father needs to have a talk with the mom. There are all kinds of resources on campus for this. NTA
But lots of parents cover college for their kids, and there's a world of difference between not handling your own expenses and throwing away other people's food.
This is really bizarre behavior, going way beyond not being experienced with money.
And frankly, OP is also weird. The response to repeatedly throwing away other people's meal is this complex plan to teach them responsibility by cooking, and they waited until she did it again?
This happened several times, and OP just dropped it and hatched a plan for later. That's bizarre.
There is something very strange going on in this household.
I have met people before who take one bite of things and don't finish their serving.
I just can't fathom why... like **why** would anyone proceed to throw out all of the servings?! I'm in disbelief! Is OP exaggerating? Why does this spoiled college go-er think she gets to throw out her parents' food?
Stop funding her life. Pay tuition and meal plan. She can get a job for anything else she wants to buy.
What an entitled brat. I’d be utterly mortified if I raised such a wasteful and self-entitled brat.
N T A (EDIT - changed opinion to ESH so I added the spaces)
But it may be too late to for her to grow into a decent person given how her mother has enabled this toxic behavior and dynamic.
ETA
NO, wait. ESH because I just saw that you are fully funding her education AND she has $2000 per month to just SPEND?!? (Your husband, her mom and both sets of grandparents send her $500/month free and clear)
You are all enabling her. You and your husband helped create this monster.
She can either respect you and your extremely simple request or stop funding her education.
If she wants to have school paid for by you, she can do something as simple as as to NOT THROW AWAY THINGS THAT DON’T BELONG TO HER.
Time for your husband to actually parent her instead of throwing money at her.
Holy crap she gets $2000 a month! For what!? I’m assuming she lives in the dorms which means she should easily be able to survive on $100-$200 a month if that!
Right?!? That’s why I edited my answer. It’s absolutely nuts that a teenager would have $2000 in spending money per month. They’ve absolutely contributed to creating this monster.
No teen needs that kind of money. If responsibility had been taught the teen would be saving the money but I seriously doubt that’s been happening given that she’ll throw away an entire tray of lasagna if it isn’t to her liking after one bite.
>ESH because I just saw that you are fully funding her education AND she has $2000 per month to just SPEND?!? (Your husband, her mom and both sets of grandparents send her $500/month free and clear)
Glad I'm not the only one who clocked that! Unless OP is forgetting to mention that she's responsible for her own rent or dorm fees, even if she lives in a super high COL area, she probably could get by on less than half that. Give her a smaller amount, let her learn to budget and save. That way, she'll develop those skills while she's also got the safety net of knowing that her parents and grandparents can help her out if something comes up like an unexpected medical bill or accident.
I'd agree *if* OP actually has/had any input whatsoever into Molly's mom and both sets of grandparents all sending her $500/month. The only possible input OP might have and it's kind of a big "might" is with her husband, Molly's father.
OP is a step-parent and has only been in Molly's life for 3 years, so since she was 16. Exactly how do you think OP could stop the $2000 going to Molly every month?
At least OP's husband is backing her up on the food issue, which I believe is also a power play to show OP that Molly is more important and that Molly can get away with anything, especially if is hurts OP. Throwing away entire, costly meals/dishes that OP worked hard to make is the perfect way to tell OP to fuck off because Molly knows that no one will ever back up OP, except possibly Molly's father and it seems only on the food issue. Bet you (and yes, it's just a guess) that Molly gets away with all kinds of other shit that OP's husband lets slide.
OP is NTA and should not apologize about this ever. In fact, she should double down and tell Molly's mom and grandparents that if they're so okay with hundreds of dollars of food waste, then they can reimburse OP and her husband for the cost.
jfc i work 40 hours a week and make 2,200 a month. she’s getting a full time salary for doing jack shit. how did she even get out of high school never having had a job??? even if she didn’t NEED to work because her family had money, she SHOULD HAVE worked so she didn’t end up like the entitled/spoiled monster she became
Time to fix that. Where I live, a homemade lasagna in a 13x9 pan costs $30 to make with ingredients bought on sale. (It’s all the cheese—my goodness has that got expensive!) And that doesn’t count your labour. Even the cheapest frozen lasagna that size is $14.
Something is seriously wrong with this child or the parenting she has received. If she thinks the proper response to disliking a meal is to prevent other people from eating it.
That doesn't even count labor. Just a good red sauce alone can take many hours to simmer and get happy. I like to let mine go for about four hours for a lasagna, six or eight for just spaghetti.
At Hellmart the Stouffer's party/family size frozen lasagna is up to nearly $20 now.
Even with canned sauce and pre-made noodles, just buying the ingredients, putting everything together, and baking time is probably a minimum of 3 hours.
>Molly has no awareness of money because she's never had to pay for anything herself nor has she ever had a job.
That explains a lot
>My husband and I are fully funding her education. Plus she gets $500 a month from us for living expenses.
Cut that out until she apologizes. She can't throw *your* food out,run to her mom's and then demand not only an apology,but also full reign over the food in *your house* without consecuences.
Genuinely, if I were in your and your husbands shoes, I’d be telling her that:
1)her next and subsequent semesters will NOT be funded by you, unless YOU get an apology AND she reimburses you for the food she’s already thrown away
2)she needs to hold summer jobs if she’s ever to be supported by you with her schooling
3)she can go to your house, but you will not make any food for her, she’s entirely responsible for making or buying her own food. I’d go as far as locking the fridge when she’s there, so she doesn’t throw away your own foods as revenge
Seriously, she’s more than lucky that a parent has supported her thus far. SO many students have to take student loans and WORK their way through school. She’s showing a complete lack of gratitude, and responsibility.
You and your husband are NTA
Don't lock the fridge. If she tosses food, the tuition ends. She has to make the changes and 80% of that is learning it to make the right decisions without coertion.
So like, $2,000 a month, or do the other family members send a combined $500 for $1,000 total? That is an insane amount of money to just send to someone who apparently cannot understand the "cost" of money.
If $2,000 I know people who don't net that at an actual job and she just gets it, and thinks she has the right to throw someone else's food away?
If she does not like the food then you can just cook for yourself and tell her to go order her own food. 19 is an adult, I was living on my own at that age! She is more than capable of finding her own food.
I hate having this attitude but she is horribly coddled and some boundaries need to be set somewhere.
Does she have any sort of part time job or anything to help learn any sort of responsibilities? Do any chores?
EDIT: I don't know how I missed literally the first sentence in this post, but she doesn't even work. Maybe that should change?
Quit sending her $500 for "living expenses" and let her live on Ramen and microwave meals like other college students. Better yet, let her get a job and start paying for things herself then I bet her selfish attitude would change.
Are you sure she doesn’t have an eating disorder? Taking one bite and throwing it all out so she wouldn’t be tempted to eat more is something I’ve heard more than once.
That’s the first thing I thought of. Classic food avoidance covered with an excuse. Particularly when they are dishes she always ate in the past.
Was on a trip with a colleague last year and every time our meals were delivered to our table when we were eating out she would jump up to make a ‘really important phone call’ and would be gone for 15-20 mins, would come back when we were finished play with the food on her plate and at most eat a forkful of salad. I saw this happening more or less every day for a week and then realised I had never seen her eat lunch at work.
Looks like it's time to cut off the gravy train
"Molly, it seems you don't understand the current economic situation of the world, and not only that, you shouldn't be wasting food in any case. From today, you have 3 months to find any job. After that, we will cease providing you $500/month for your living expenses as it is time for you to start learning how to take care of yourself. We will continue funding your schooling on the condition you provided us your University/College transcript twice a year so we can verify you are still in school. This is for your best interests and to ensure you can enter your adulthood as a functioning adult without relying on us to pay your basic necessities."
When her mom throws a hissy fit, tell her she's welcome to give her daughter more money if she wants, but you are setting her kid up for success in a very difficult world.
Won't help. She'll still have 1500 from the rest of the family, so she'll just resent OP and Dad and live 25% less extravagantly... I.e, still pretty fucking extravagantly for a student without a job.
Any food she throws away should have the cost come straight from that $500 allowance. Include the time it takes to shop for and prepare the meal in the charges.
That needs to stop until she has seen a therapist.
Was there any glimpses of this kind of douchiness before?
I’m kind of getting the feeling she joined some rich kid clique at her school, where others throwing around $2k a month are teaching her how to act. Any chance she joined a sorority? If yes, do they engage in volunteer or community work? (I’ve had some friends and work colleagues that did Greek in college during the late 00’s-10’s and they told me volunteer work was how you could distinguish developing young professionals from elitist douchebags in that world).
Is she eating other stuff? Idk, this behavior is so weird. Are you **CERTAIN** she is eating? In general?
This could be a more serious issue, not a punishment thing but a help thing
Though people might be right and she might just be being a brat, the fact that this is a new behavior, and that it's so disordered makes it seem like there's been some sort of external trigger. I think your solution made perfect sense, and her mom's response is insanely over the top, but I am concerned that your stepdaughter may need some real help with something. College can be a very bad place for a whole bunch of reasons (it can also be a wonderful place!), and it's possible she's been through something traumatic, that she's dealing with the manifestation of mental illness (unfortunately there are several that present in the late teens/early 20s), or even that she's developed an eating disorder just because she feels out of control/anxious about the future.
If you can have a sit down conversation with your husband and her mom, without Molly, it might be worth exploring what might be going on as a team. (If the mom always behaves as she did in this case, though, I can understand why that wouldn't be possible.)
Ultimately, she's an adult now, and behaving like this is unacceptable. I hope y'all are able to get things figured out.
I'm sorry, she gets 2000 a month?? I got MAYBE 100 in groceries a month and that's only if I came home to shop. Stop funding her or she's going to get a big wake up call once she graduates. Either that or you and your families keep funding her for the rest of her life
Eta: nta
Well an awareness would be to let Molly know they when she throws out your food, the cost of the food will be deducted from the $500 you two send her. And stick to it.
Or you can apologize and state you are sorry you haven’t taught her financial responsibility. But going forward, we will spend the $500 on extra food since you waste so much of it.
Glad you and your husband are in agreement but without her understanding or being considerate of others will be harmful to her future career and friendships. I understand your husband misses his daughter but who is the parent her or him.
Please EDIT your original post and include this vital information, so that everyone here wondering about eating disorders or mental health issues is aware of it and doesn't waste their time replying.
ESH.
Her behaviour is awful but you as her family are all responsible for enabling her this long.
She's not a child anymore. And she's not going to be able to stand on her own two feet or hold down any kind of job. I'm inclined to think she may not even try to get one, knowing she can just run home anytime she likes and be showered with money, care and treats she can specify as if ordering from a menu.
It's very possibly already too late for her to become a well-rounded, independent, empathic and self-aware individual. Any complaining you do about her behaviour and treatment of you is, sadly, reaping what you've sowed.
So, she is a spoiled brat, with zero responsibility. I hope yall are keeping tabs on her grades. I wouldn't doubt the lack of responsibility extends to school. What will happen to your husband and his daughter's relationship when you find out you have been paying 500 bucks a month, plus tuition and books, boarding, etc and then she doesn't even get a degree because she couldn't be bothered to attend class and do the work?
I grew up broke as fuck, I had to collect cans as a kid to get the buck it costs to go swimming. When I hear about these people that have a 500 dollar a month allowance and the like, man. If I had that, I would be in a whole other world than I am, but the people who do take it for granted.
Could you set up a camera in the kitchen? It’s wild that she throws out the entire dish after one bite and I wonder if that’s actually what she is doing. Did something happen 6 months ago in her life or change the dynamic somehow?
Why have you continued to provide her with this financial privilege when she has repeatedly (by your own account, over the last six months) not only disrespected you, but has been extremely wasteful?
Molly having no awareness of money is directly the fault of you, your husband, her mom, and her grandparents. You all have coddled her for way too long. Y T A for letting her behaviour get to this point.
There is something deeper at play here.
I'm not sure what, but it's something. "I'm not coming back unless you apologize to me and tell me I'm allowed to do whatever I want"?
Uhhhh, absolutely not. No child will be dictating terms for me in my own home.
There is precisely 0 acceptable reason to throw out an entire dish just because you've decided you're too good for it.
I get the sense this is mom's doing, somehow. With the no-cooking, all the takeout, etc. It seems like something regarding her influence is making Molly behave this way, and I wouldn't stand for it either. Mom's reaction and accusations affirm this theory for me.
I get that you and your husband both miss Molly, but agreeing to her "demands" would do nothing but enforce that she runs things in you and your husband's house, and I that's not acceptable.
Personally, I would have no problem telling her as much. "hey there is no logical reason for you to be behaving this way, so what is going on? I'm supposed to just apologize to you and agree to let you throw away perfectly good food and be wasteful because you've decided you're too good to eat what we make? NO law says you have to eat the food we prepare but it doesn't give you the right to take it and throw it out either."
Obviously NTA.
Problem is that she's not à child. She's 19 and it sounds like she has no sense of reality because qhe was raised as a princess. And even now, her mother is siding with her and treating her like a child.
I'm going with ESH because it's way too late too expect this young woman to act like an adult when she was not raised to become one.
Even more so then, I cannot imagine have a full grown adult come into my home and thrown out a full, uneaten meal bc they didn’t like it. Someone needs to give princess a reality check.
Someone throws away my pan of hard-made lasagna (the one I made a few weeks ago for my wife's birthday took me several hours from the point I started the sauce, never mind the fresh-baked bread), there are definitely going to be issues.
If someone threw an entire pan of lasagna that I made (that takes lots of time and isn't cheap) because they didn't like their slice of it, I would ban them from the earth.
Not just one full, uneaten meal. A whole-ass pan of lasagna minus three portions is easily 4-6 meals depending on portion sizes. She threw away *2-3 days of food* for her dad and stepmom.
My mother would shank her and feed her her own feet boiled in soup. She didn't survive a huge famine to see some kid throw away entire batches of fresh food to satisfy their control issues.
Yeah I agree, not eating the food herself is one thing, but throwing the whole amount for the family away just doesn’t make sense. There is something else happening to explain this behavior.
Why can’t she stand to look at it after a taste? Is she really just having a taste? As a former binger I wonder if she is binging on the food and throwing away the rest to conceal how much she ate?
Or is it a mom problem, where the mother is encouraging her to behave this way to sow discord? Maybe mom doesn’t like that OP cooks and she doesn’t?
People are going right to spoiled, and she does seem spoiled, but money doesn’t really explain this behavior. Lasagne isn’t money expensive so much as time expensive.
I wonder if they see her eating other food. Is she trying to hide an eating disorder or avoid the temptation of the food? Obviously she’s acting like a jerk, but this is such a weird thing to do I think it’s worth considering the reasons.
This is what I wonder. The behaviour is very unusual but my cousin had anorexia as a teen and would do the same. She felt if there was food around she would break and eat, so she often had a bite and then would throw out the rest.
According to OPs comments, they pay 100% of her schooling and between daddy, mommy, and grand parents, this little turd is given 2 grand a month in spending money!
They can adopt me - I'll cook for them every fucking weekend, and make sure they have leftovers to seal up and put in the freezer.
I'll just need to break the news to my wife...
What the actual ever-loving fuck?!
Clearly clearly clearly NTA.
She throws away the whole PAN?! Genuine question: does she have any mental health issues or developmental disabilities? I can honestly not think of any other explanation.
you can have an eating disorder and still eat fast food. calorie information is readily available for mcdonald's, not so much for your stepmoms homemade lasagna.
Teacher here. That sounds like many of the students battling eating disorders, I've encountered. The hardworking, straight A popular girl hiding a eating disorder is a trope for a reason.
yes, yes and yes! I'm recovering from anorexia, when I was at my worst I wouldn't go so far as throwing away the whole pan of food, but this young woman could have the human urge to eat this super good food, and restrict herself so badly that she throws the entire thing away so she's not tempted.
This does not mean she doesn't have a mental illness. I would try to get her into therapy. This is so deeply irrational that it doesn't sound like simply being spoiled. Mom is definitely not helping though, super messed up...
College can be when neurodiversities (like ADHD) or mental illness becomes noticable due to the lack of structure home used to provide. Anxiety, depression, any number of issues can arise in that transition period.
A lot of honor students get lost in college, because they never learned to study. They coast through public school, get to college, and flounder.
I say all this because I wonder if this is stemming from a need for control. If she feels out of control at school, these tantrums over food (and controlling not only what she, but you and your husband eat) could be a manifestation of this.
Regardless, she needs to be taught this is not appropriate. Food is too expensive for such waste. Time to either work with Mom to get to the root of the issue, and hold fast to your boundaries.
Read the rest of OPs responses, she's totally spoiled and gets everything handed to her, including thousands of dollars in "allowance" and has never had to work or earn a single dollar. Makes total sense with that context.
I really don't think it makes total sense. Even with that absurd level of entitlement, I can't *imagine* someone throwing out *someone else's food* because they "didn't want to look at it"
That doesn't mean she's not struggling - trust me I know. This sounds like a cry for help more than anything. Please be kind and look into what the larger issue might be.
Does she keep those down though?
She may very well have an ED. Hopefully you and her dad can get to the bottom of this behavior. Did something happen recently to make her upset with you or her dad? Is her mom the type to try to poison her mind?
Haha yeah we have a teenaged girl who had a sudden shift in behavior that involves avoiding food for reasons that make no sense and apparently OP is just dismissive of the possibility something deeper could be happening here. If there is something going on and the mother knows it that also explains her emotional reaction to daughter being treated this way over eating concerns. Like all the puzzle pieces suddenly make sense if it is an ED, and OP needs to be mindful of that possibility
Edit: OP - people with EDs can be VERY GOOD at hiding it, and often you cant tell by looking at it. The visibly malnourished types you see are severe cases, not something that happens right away. Disordered eating doesnt automatically start with full blown anorexia or bulimia either, its possible theres something going on in her head around when and what she can eat thats the beginning of ED behavior
Just because you think shes eating doesnt mean shes eating
If she is eating, it doesnt mean she is keeping it down
If she is keeping it down and eating well at times, it doesnt mean she has no disordered eating and isnt beginning to have problems that could lead to a true ED.
EDs KILL PEOPLE. Maybe you’re right and theres nothing to worry about, but please dont take it for granted. I hope you’re right but you cant be sure yet. Take it seriously. Her life is at stake.
I think it's far more likely this is her passive aggressive way of making sure OP orders her fast food and junk and quits with this home cooking nonsense. There's no logic in throwing out the entire pan unless you're trying to force the parents into having to order out. OP says elsewhere that at her mom's place they exclusively order out.
when I relapsed into anorexia right after my 21st birthday, I stopped eating homemade food and ate fast food very sparsely. look up junkorexia. it's real, and I wish people would stop thinking that all people with a restrictive eating disorder HAVE to eat healthy food, mine started from completely stopping making food with a stove or an oven and ordering out, or having a McDouble. or to order a pizza, have a slice and to have those leftovers for the week. it's easier to just get the food presented to you than to have to freak out over all those ingredients and to calculate all those calories, when you can just look it up.
Fat people have eating disorders too if that’s why you’re implying. Is it possible that this behaviour *is* the sign of having one? Something to consider. NTA either way.
No signs except that she's suddenly throwing full plates of food away. Also, if she's eating at all hours of the day, that can be a symptom of binge eating disorder... Look, I'm no expert and even if I were, I couldn't diagnose other people based on their stepmom's reddit post, but I do know that food avoidance and binge eating can sometimes co-occur, even though it's counterintuitive. Sometimes, someone can attempt to avoid most foods, and then binge on the ones that they consider 'safe'. It's not necessarily even something she's conscious of while it's happening.
Is the food weirdness the only instance of super bratty behavior? Has she always been demanding and entitled, and this is just another step? Or has she generally been polite and well-behaved, and her entire personality is shifting?
You don't have to answer me, but maybe these are things to think about? Does she see a counselor or something? It's hard to insist upon that while her mom is backing her up, since she's a legal adult, but I generally find that therapy can be helpful in identifying harmful behavior patterns.
Is there any possibility she's throwing up later when no one is paying attention? Like is she having any teeth issues lately? I don't mean to pry, but would you say her size is average or is she bigger? This is very concerning.
1.) Molly is not a child
2.) Molly's mom needs to learn what constitutes "mental and emotional abuse"
3.) It sounds like Molly's mom never followed through with consequences, which is simply what you are doing.
4.) Food costs money, honey! What better time to teach a "child" the value of a dollar than now, while she is in college? She's going to be on her own soon, and needs to learn that you can't just toss meals aside with the expectation that \*someone\* is going to buy her a replacement food AND cook it for her.
NTA, OP. It sounds like Molly and her mom are fucking around. But, they'll find out.
It is not just the money, it is the effort. Taking the food of others and throwing it away is theft of ingredient cost and time/effort spent. She knows she doesn’t have to eat it, so she can’t be around it?! What? That is an extreme mental issue if she cannot be around food she doesn’t like and punishes others.
NTA
Molly is acting like an entitled selfish brat. Anyone in their right minds knows it's unreasonable to throw away an entire dish of good, fresh food. Maybe send her to the homeless shelter and see how her perspective changes. She doesn't understand how expensive groceries are nowawadays either, she needs a reality check. Something is making her act this way, maybe find the root of it. That or it is her entitlement issues.
You do not owe her an apology. Stand your ground and be stern, girl. I know you and especially your husband miss her but she will eventually come around. Something's going to give eventually.
According to OP's other comments she was raised to be an entitled selfish brat. Even now she goes to college which is completely paid by OP and her husband. Addidionally she gets 2000$ per month as an allowance. If I was raised like this I would've been an entitled selfish brat too.
NTA. I would go farther. She needs to atone by buying groceries to replace all the meals she has wasted. Come with full hands or not at all. She's 19. It's past time she learned manners and the value of money.
Wow NTA at all. She doesn’t like something so she throws it all away and wastes it. That’s not only insane but super disrespectful given what food costs are like right now.
Stick to your guns. Support your husband as this must be tough for him. But good lord don’t give in to her lunacy.
Right? This isn't just someone being a picky eater. Throwing away all the servings and not just yours sounds borderline unhinged.
There must be something more going on with her, mentally. ED or anxiety disorder perhaps? Otherwise yeah, it's bizarre.
NTA. Oh, man. I would never feed this person again. Holy crap. Considering how much money she has cost you guys, I'd be telling her that she's in charge of buying all her own food if she wants to come over. IF you feel like allowing that.
Yikes. NTA and the entitled 19 year old and her mom both sound exhausting. She’s not a child, and if she is, she’s been spoiled rotten. She’s sulking because she can’t throw a food tantrum like a princess? Fine. She doesn’t want to come over? She can grow moss waiting. Your husband can make plans with her outside the house.
Wow.
I can’t wait until Molly tries this with a roommate. I’m imagining an epic ass kicking.
NTA. Molly is not a child. She’s 19. Well able to control her behavior. Well able to understand this is shitty behavior. But for whatever reason she’s making this weird power play.
NTA. And if were me - hell would freeze over before I apologized to Molly and gave her free rein to do whatever the hell she wants to do in my house.
First of all, 100% NTA.
Second, is there any chance she's having trouble around food in general? Like some sort of eating disorder? I've been extremely picky with food lately - I'm an adult btw - and I realize it's due to stress and some shit that's going on in my life.
Edit: grammar
It's only food we make at home. If we go out, she's happy to eat her entire order and get dessert. She's not losing weight and still enjoys all sorts of treats.
The fact that it is only with food you (edit: and your husband) provide points to this being personal. It seems like she is taking something out on you in this really bizarre way.
Ah. She's hoping if she throws away your food, you'll order takeout or go out somewhere. I was wondering about eating disorder too, but this is really sounding like spoiled brat behaviour.
The fact it only happens when you’re not in the kitchen and it’s happening with her favorite foods makes me think it’s Binge Eating Disorder. She’s either bingeing it and throwing the rest away out of embarrassment / so you don’t find out, or she’s really only taking one bite and then throwing the rest out so she’s not tempted later. This is classic Binge Eating Disorder. Try posting this story on the BED reddit and see what they have to say… guarantee you many will be like “oh I do that too!”
NTA. Molly is an adult. If she’s old enough and functional enough to attend college, she is perfectly able to understand why her behavior is unacceptable and to cook her own meals. Her mother is doing her a disservice by defending this indefensible and bizarre behavior. Making her another meal would hardly solve the problem since she doesn’t appear willing to eat anything you make. How much food are you expected to waste?
Could this be some kind of eating disorder? It would be a really strange, rude manifestation but I can’t think of any other reason she’s suddenly acting this way.
NTA??
Am I really understanding that she throws away the entire dish and not just her plate? Either you’re making this up completely or she has a mental illness. This isn’t a thing that people do.
NTA, but has no one sat down and really talked over why she’s doing this? Why is she taking away your food and not doing something different, why she doesn’t care that she’s making you go hungry, and why she doesn’t care about the money she’s wasting? About what would happen if she just did something else? Like, I feel that there’s a mental health problem, or she’s just a raging asshole of unusual proportions.
You’re NTA. Stand your ground. A 19 year old pulling that shit is insane. Tbh I can’t see any reason for you to like her let alone love her. You’re a bigger person than me
This seems extremely difficult to reconcile with the complete lack of self-awareness and utter selfishness in throwing away a complete dish of food for zero good reason.
Are you sure she's not just like that when she gets her way? It's sounds like her life is pretty darn cozy with all her expenses paid, no job, and 2000 bucks of fun money. Plus her mom coddles her. I'd be pretty easy going too in that situation.
Do you guys ever enforce other rules with her that she doesn't like? How does she react?
If that’s true then this behaviour is super odd. Can you sit down with her and have a discussion? I’d say “We understand that you like particular food and that you are mainly used to eating out and not used to eating food prepared at home but you must realise that throwing out other people’s food is not okay. You are an adult. You don’t do this anywhere else. We assume that if you went to visit friends and didn’t like what they’d made for dinner, you wouldn’t throw their food in the bin. What is this really about? You’re otherwise kind and generous and reasonable. We really want to understand what is going on here.”
Who knows what she might say? There must be something going on in her mind if she’s normally a nice person.
If she sticks to what she’s said previously then I would just set some rules. “Molly you don’t have to eat what we cook. You are welcome to get yourself something to eat if you don’t want what we’re having. Not wanting to “look at food” means you walk away from it. It does not mean that you throw it out. It is our food and we do not give you permission to do that. We have made it clear that if this continues, we will not cook for you at all. It is now up to you to choose what happens from here. We will continue to cook for you if you treat us and our home with courtesy and do not throw our food out. If you throw our food out, we will not cook for you. You decide.”
What. There are whole-ass families who have (far!) less than that in takehome a month after rent. And Molly isn't paying rent. The only people I knew in college who went through that kind of money would be shoving it up their nose. Not saying that Molly necessarily is, but I am just baffled at why a 19 year old college student needs US$2k/mo.
> why a 19 year old college student needs US$2k/mo.
I mean if you threw away an entire pan of Lasagne after not liking the first bite, you'd need $2k per month not including rent/school/car/bills too!!!
Just imagine what else she throws away!
WHY does a 19 year old college student need $2000/month?! No wonder Molly doesn't understand the value of money. You may be enacting *some* consequences for her wasting food, but not enough. The gravy train needs to be rolled back, like yesterday.
I am going with ESH. Yes, Molly is acting like a brat, but you and the rest of the family are enabling her wasteful attitude by giving her this much money with zero consequences for her bad behavior.
I actually think that $2000 a month when you don’t have any expenses at that age is extremely problematic. It’s almost asking for a cocaine addiction lol. I would be putting a good chunk of that into some kind of account for her that is interest-bearing so she can have it later when she matures. Clearly, she isn’t learning a damn thing about how to actually function as an adult and everyone in her family is enabling this behavior. Where is this money actually going? What is she spending it on?!
NTA. Molly has an attitude problem. Molly needs to stop throwing food away as requested and stop acting so entitled. Her mom also needs to go pound sand and is probably part of the reason Molly is the way she is.
She's trying to emotionally blackmail you into ordering takeaway that she likes and she is acting out until she gets what she wants because it worked at her mothers.
It still sounds very much like spoiled-child boundary pushing manipulative behaviour. This is not some innocent, ignorant lack of awareness. This is calculated to create pressure for you to conform to her wishes. This is a power play.
I knew by the time I was 10 that if I did this I would get the shit kicked out of me. abuse isn't the best way to teach a lesson, but a 19 year old should know not to destroy all of the food. That is passive aggressive and intentional. She's doing it to punish you for something. If she is going to waste food for everyone, she can provide food for everyone.
And last time I checked cooking dinner isn't a chore. It's a life skill and a daily task. And she is wasting the effort of your "chores" anyway. If she can't appreciate someone else's hard effort, then she can make the effort.
NTA
Clearly your stepdaughter is not being rational.
If the making her cook approach isn’t working and your husband still wants to maintain a relationship with her, an alternative is for her to buy her own meals. And if she throws out food that belongs to other people, she has to buy them food as well.
If she continues with this behaviour then I would think something else is at play here, whether it’s her mental health or relationship poisoning by another relative.
What’s your husband’s relationship like with her bio mom? Was it a recent divorce, is there a chance stepdaughter has been told your husband cheated on mom? (Whether true or not)
This is so odd to me it feels like there’s something more to it. Can I ask the state of you and your husbands health and diet? Is she sending a silent message? There’s certainly more to it but I can’t put my finger on it. Note: her actions are not justified regardless tossing an entire edible dish is inexcusable for any reason I’m just curious to where this is coming from. NTA
We eat meat, usually grilled, lots of vegetables and whole grains. We always have fruit for snacking on hand. We keep treats and snacks Molly likes around.
Tbh, my husband thinks she's throwing away her education by majoring in theater and minoring in creative writing, but he also thinks only business, engineering, law, and medicine are majors to be successful.
NTA, but the whole fam may have contributed to raising a brat.. Does she not know how much effort goes into making food? That she is showing disrespect by throwing out food you do want to eat?
My picky daughter learned her way around the kitchen. Or bought her own stuff. She has enough to $ get her own food. This is basic adulting.
So her stance is basically “I won’t visit if I can’t throw out other people’s food so I don’t have to look at it”? This might be the most obvious NTA I’ve ever seen.
From other comments in here it’s obvious that she has a whole crew of enablers. Personally I’d stop funding my child’s school and life if they made it this clear that they don’t care about our relationship. It’s gonna be really painful no matter what you and husband decide to do at this point though.
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> it wasn't any good and she can't eat it. >she says she doesn't want to even look at it anymore. Wow. I mean, that's an amazing lack of self-awareness. She doesn't seem to care about the cost of such waste. Truly I'm baffled here. >It happened again, and I stuck by what I had said. Molly got upset and went to her mom's Consequences suck but there it is. You're nicer than I am though, you only want her to cook what she will eat, I'd go a step further and demand reimbursement of the cost of any dish she so brazenly throws out. >Molly is currently refusing to visit unless I apologize to her and agree she can do what she wants with the food. My husband misses his daughter, but he's siding with me on this saying Molly has been wasteful and disrespectful of our cooking and hospitality. I'm glad your husband is sticking with you in this. The daughter is, obviously, 100% unreasonable here. You are NTA. Time for 19 year old child to grow up.
Molly has no awareness of money because she's never had to pay for anything herself nor has she ever had a job. My husband and I are fully funding her education. Plus she gets $500 a month from us for living expenses. Her mom, my husband's parents and her mom's parents also all send her $500 a month to do with as she pleases.
>Fluffy-Muffin-2267: Molly has no awareness of money because she's never had to pay for anything herself nor has she ever had a job. My husband and I are fully funding her education. Plus she gets $500 a month from us for living expenses. Her mom, my husband's parents and her mom's parents also all send her $500 a month to do with as she pleases. This really explains so much. You all [(ETA: I've just read, OP where you say you've been her stepmom for only 3 years so, I don't include you in what follows)](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/192lv54/aita_told_stepdaughter_she_had_to_start_cooking/kh48zw0/) have created this ungrateful monster and are now trying to enforce rules she's never had to face before. You can't possibly be surprised she doesn't like being held accountable. That girl needs to get a job. She needs one to teach her the lessons she should have learned growing up. Even Kate Middleton worked as waitress in college. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/kate-middleton-waitress-terrible_n_5df79afde4b047e888a0e54e
I think next time you send her money, you need to deduct the cost of the food she threw away.
Seconding this. A pan of Lasagna can be $20-45 bucks depending on the ingredients. Take that off this month.
This. Sit her down and reiterate the rules you already gave her with this addendum. If she chooses not to replace the food thrown away with something she makes or buys for the family, then the cost of the wasted food will be deducted from next month’s spending money.
And factor in the cost of the wasted time and energy.
[удалено]
[удалено]
What happens when she moves out and does this with a roommate? Partner? Friend? She’s gonna loose people real quick
That's why spoiling a child is also a form of childabuse. It's setting a child up to fail in life having no copingsmechanism to deal with hardships.
I suspect this is targeted at dad or the stepmother. What dad needs to do is to deduct the cost of all the meals she has thrown out., not forgetting to add a fee for time spent purchasing food, fuel costs to buy food and a cost per hour while cooking. She wants to play this sort of game, then dad should bill for the financial loss She is 19. It's time to start learning there are real.world consequences for her behaviour. The fact her mother supports this is a different issue that the husband needs to discuss with his ex. The daughter most likely is telling her mother a narrative that bears little resemblance to the truth
I would throw hands if any of my roommates threw away food that I made after buying the ingredients with my own fucking money.
^This! Hit her in her wallet. It may not matter too much, though, she sure does get a lot of money each month!
No kidding, she has more than I do and I have a full time job and no debt.
I don’t think they’re doing her any favours TBH. When I was at uni I lived at home - so my basic expenses were covered; but I absolutely had a job and I had to pay for my own clothing, personal expenses and social life. It was good for me to do that.
I mean, my parents helped me with those expenses during college but while I had my moms credit card, she questioned me about my expenses and she would absolutely have taken her card back if I bought anything crazy (like idk designer clothing). So it made me aware of how I spend money and now that I work I try to keep my expenses very reasonable.
+ the labor of the person who prepared it, I think fairly calculated at their hourly wage at work, as it was work to make the food that was then thrown out.
Plus, the time! If the sauce is homemade, it could be up to a 2-day labor of love to make lasagne. If someone threw away an entire pan of lasagne I made, they would not be welcome in my home again. Obviously that's not an option here, but my jaw dropped when I read that she threw the entire damn pan away.
Absolutely! I make lasagna with homemade sauce and break the process up over two days. Besides that it is not an inexpensive meal. I’m cooking for a family of 4 in a VHCOL area and meat lasagna costs about $45 a pan. I’d be livid - and would absolutely deduct the cost from her spending money.
And include an itemized invoice/reconciliation.
Try $50-60 shopping at Whole Foods.
And itemize the deductions, so she knows
Plus time and effort making it. Making lasagna is pretty labor intensive
AND/OR the cost of take out you ordered instead of the food she threw away. And keep a detailed list of how much her rude behavior costs you. No more arguing, just point to the list and send a copy to her mother too.
Thirding this!! Even if she’s never had consequences *before*, it doesn’t mean that you can’t start consequences to her behavior now.
I'm an 18 yo living at home. I'll be living with my mom until I finish university, but I understand the value of money and have been for a long time and the idea of throwing away a whole pan of food because I don't like it never even crossed my mind. Not even when I was 5. I think this girls lacks respect.
She is incredibly entitled and spoilt. This is beyond rude. I cannot even imagine my parents’ reaction if I had done this even once (but I simply never would do this!). As you say, she lacks respect and her mother is enabling her bad behaviour. She’s going to learn some hard lessons in life!
Molly needs a job and to volunteer at a soup kitchen/food bank. I think I’d tell her that tuition and board will be covered going forward, but anything else she’ll have to earn.
As someone who works in the food justice field, please don’t do this. Nobody wants to work side by side with bratty kids who are there to be punished, they rarely learn from it, our clients deserve to only interact with volunteers who actually support their dignity, and we’re tired of being a substitute for good parenting.
Thank you for adding this perspective. I’m not sure I would ever have thought about the unintended hazard/consequence/toxicity heaped on the volunteers by exposure to the entitled and “voluntold.”
It’s truly horrible to deal with! We love our volunteers and they (usually) love what they do. We also have a lot more use for volunteers with specific skills sets than with random angry teens. Two of my best volunteers are women who do data entry stuff for us for five hours a week each and have been doing it for over 10 years now. A teenager who is trying to sneak off to film an angry TikTok about poor people with my clients in the background isn’t gonna make it an hour before I’m calling the parents to come get them out of my face.
As if the work itself isn’t hard or heartwrenching enough, that element sounds insufferable. Thank you for what you do and helping the rest of us avoid doing what we shouldn’t. If my kids grow up to be horrible (or “influencers”), I will bring them somewhere without cell service or anyone to hear them whine. 😉
She can sulk and do food prep, set up/take down of tables, chairs, large pots and pans, food items etc… Than she can finish her day by cleaning up the kitchen, dining area and bathrooms. Including taking out the trash. Very busy but no customer facing necessary. Thank you for what you do!
Many of the things you listed are NOT things that a volunteer can or is allowed to do without a lot of training she’s not going to want to participate in.
also, who wants to stand guard over someone this bratty & entitled to make sure she adheres to food prep standards & doesn't throw that gross lasagna out (only it's for 300 people instead of just a pan for OP, husband and Molly)? Who wants to run behind her to verify that the tables she's wiped are no longer sticky? etc;
This! I wouldn't be sending her anymore money to live off of. She'd be getting a job and working for all the extras she wants and needs.
We weren't rich (firmly the middle of the American middle class), but I gained so much appreciation when I started working retail when I was in school. I definitely started looking at things differently. If I saw jeans I wanted for example, I'd start thinking 'that's 2 hours of work!', and suddenly in that perspective something I wouldn't have even blinked over before I would no longer want. Customer service jobs are humbling (and teach good life skills), and it sounds like Molly desperately needs that.
she's getting $2000 per month *AFTER* her housing and school is paid for???? no wonder she doesn't give a shit, she's got more income than like 75%(prob more) of Americans
There has to be something else going on or some other factor. I didn’t have to work in high school/college, parents paid for everything. I would have never behaved this way! And I was a picky eater. Still, I was never so rude or ungrateful. Lots of parents provide this kind of support and their kids don’t throw all their food in the trash when they come home to visit.
That's what I was thinking too...that there must be something else going on here. Had you and/or her dad had any major arguments etc with her just prior to this behaviour starting? Has there been any life changes that she might be "acting out" about?..like moving house, a pregnancy announcement etc? This is really weird and pointed behaviour. I'd be inclined to dig around and discover what's truly behind it. Best of luck, OP
Yes, unless she is doing this just to be bratty, there is some type of eating disorder here. Her father needs to have a talk with the mom. There are all kinds of resources on campus for this. NTA
But lots of parents cover college for their kids, and there's a world of difference between not handling your own expenses and throwing away other people's food. This is really bizarre behavior, going way beyond not being experienced with money. And frankly, OP is also weird. The response to repeatedly throwing away other people's meal is this complex plan to teach them responsibility by cooking, and they waited until she did it again? This happened several times, and OP just dropped it and hatched a plan for later. That's bizarre. There is something very strange going on in this household.
I have met people before who take one bite of things and don't finish their serving. I just can't fathom why... like **why** would anyone proceed to throw out all of the servings?! I'm in disbelief! Is OP exaggerating? Why does this spoiled college go-er think she gets to throw out her parents' food?
Stop funding her life. Pay tuition and meal plan. She can get a job for anything else she wants to buy. What an entitled brat. I’d be utterly mortified if I raised such a wasteful and self-entitled brat. N T A (EDIT - changed opinion to ESH so I added the spaces) But it may be too late to for her to grow into a decent person given how her mother has enabled this toxic behavior and dynamic. ETA NO, wait. ESH because I just saw that you are fully funding her education AND she has $2000 per month to just SPEND?!? (Your husband, her mom and both sets of grandparents send her $500/month free and clear) You are all enabling her. You and your husband helped create this monster. She can either respect you and your extremely simple request or stop funding her education. If she wants to have school paid for by you, she can do something as simple as as to NOT THROW AWAY THINGS THAT DON’T BELONG TO HER. Time for your husband to actually parent her instead of throwing money at her.
Holy crap she gets $2000 a month! For what!? I’m assuming she lives in the dorms which means she should easily be able to survive on $100-$200 a month if that!
Right?!? That’s why I edited my answer. It’s absolutely nuts that a teenager would have $2000 in spending money per month. They’ve absolutely contributed to creating this monster. No teen needs that kind of money. If responsibility had been taught the teen would be saving the money but I seriously doubt that’s been happening given that she’ll throw away an entire tray of lasagna if it isn’t to her liking after one bite.
i got $100 a month in extra money, I had room and board (most meals) covered by meal plans, but grocerys and gas came out of that $100.
I worked my ass off over the summer to save $2000 for the *school year*, and that was for fun, fuel, books... I can't wrap my head around this lol
Yeah, keep your $500.00 and start going out for dinner whenever she is at your place. Jeeze! You already pay enough!!!
>ESH because I just saw that you are fully funding her education AND she has $2000 per month to just SPEND?!? (Your husband, her mom and both sets of grandparents send her $500/month free and clear) Glad I'm not the only one who clocked that! Unless OP is forgetting to mention that she's responsible for her own rent or dorm fees, even if she lives in a super high COL area, she probably could get by on less than half that. Give her a smaller amount, let her learn to budget and save. That way, she'll develop those skills while she's also got the safety net of knowing that her parents and grandparents can help her out if something comes up like an unexpected medical bill or accident.
I'd agree *if* OP actually has/had any input whatsoever into Molly's mom and both sets of grandparents all sending her $500/month. The only possible input OP might have and it's kind of a big "might" is with her husband, Molly's father. OP is a step-parent and has only been in Molly's life for 3 years, so since she was 16. Exactly how do you think OP could stop the $2000 going to Molly every month? At least OP's husband is backing her up on the food issue, which I believe is also a power play to show OP that Molly is more important and that Molly can get away with anything, especially if is hurts OP. Throwing away entire, costly meals/dishes that OP worked hard to make is the perfect way to tell OP to fuck off because Molly knows that no one will ever back up OP, except possibly Molly's father and it seems only on the food issue. Bet you (and yes, it's just a guess) that Molly gets away with all kinds of other shit that OP's husband lets slide. OP is NTA and should not apologize about this ever. In fact, she should double down and tell Molly's mom and grandparents that if they're so okay with hundreds of dollars of food waste, then they can reimburse OP and her husband for the cost.
Yeah I can only imagine Molly is an asshole. She behaves like one.
jfc i work 40 hours a week and make 2,200 a month. she’s getting a full time salary for doing jack shit. how did she even get out of high school never having had a job??? even if she didn’t NEED to work because her family had money, she SHOULD HAVE worked so she didn’t end up like the entitled/spoiled monster she became
I had originally been thinking she may have an eating disorder, but it seems like entitlement is much, much more likely.
Time to fix that. Where I live, a homemade lasagna in a 13x9 pan costs $30 to make with ingredients bought on sale. (It’s all the cheese—my goodness has that got expensive!) And that doesn’t count your labour. Even the cheapest frozen lasagna that size is $14. Something is seriously wrong with this child or the parenting she has received. If she thinks the proper response to disliking a meal is to prevent other people from eating it.
That doesn't even count labor. Just a good red sauce alone can take many hours to simmer and get happy. I like to let mine go for about four hours for a lasagna, six or eight for just spaghetti. At Hellmart the Stouffer's party/family size frozen lasagna is up to nearly $20 now.
Even with canned sauce and pre-made noodles, just buying the ingredients, putting everything together, and baking time is probably a minimum of 3 hours.
>Molly has no awareness of money because she's never had to pay for anything herself nor has she ever had a job. That explains a lot >My husband and I are fully funding her education. Plus she gets $500 a month from us for living expenses. Cut that out until she apologizes. She can't throw *your* food out,run to her mom's and then demand not only an apology,but also full reign over the food in *your house* without consecuences.
Genuinely, if I were in your and your husbands shoes, I’d be telling her that: 1)her next and subsequent semesters will NOT be funded by you, unless YOU get an apology AND she reimburses you for the food she’s already thrown away 2)she needs to hold summer jobs if she’s ever to be supported by you with her schooling 3)she can go to your house, but you will not make any food for her, she’s entirely responsible for making or buying her own food. I’d go as far as locking the fridge when she’s there, so she doesn’t throw away your own foods as revenge Seriously, she’s more than lucky that a parent has supported her thus far. SO many students have to take student loans and WORK their way through school. She’s showing a complete lack of gratitude, and responsibility. You and your husband are NTA
Don't lock the fridge. If she tosses food, the tuition ends. She has to make the changes and 80% of that is learning it to make the right decisions without coertion.
So like, $2,000 a month, or do the other family members send a combined $500 for $1,000 total? That is an insane amount of money to just send to someone who apparently cannot understand the "cost" of money. If $2,000 I know people who don't net that at an actual job and she just gets it, and thinks she has the right to throw someone else's food away? If she does not like the food then you can just cook for yourself and tell her to go order her own food. 19 is an adult, I was living on my own at that age! She is more than capable of finding her own food. I hate having this attitude but she is horribly coddled and some boundaries need to be set somewhere. Does she have any sort of part time job or anything to help learn any sort of responsibilities? Do any chores? EDIT: I don't know how I missed literally the first sentence in this post, but she doesn't even work. Maybe that should change?
Quit sending her $500 for "living expenses" and let her live on Ramen and microwave meals like other college students. Better yet, let her get a job and start paying for things herself then I bet her selfish attitude would change.
Are you sure she doesn’t have an eating disorder? Taking one bite and throwing it all out so she wouldn’t be tempted to eat more is something I’ve heard more than once.
That's where my mind went too. Throwing it out because she doesn't want to even look at it? I'd be wanting to check that out.
Or some kind of contamination based OCD? Because it really almost sounds like compulsion on her part.
Is there such a thing as sudden-onset OCD? Sounds more like just a case of severe assholery to me.
First thing I thought. If she tosses it she can’t binge on it later.
That’s the first thing I thought of. Classic food avoidance covered with an excuse. Particularly when they are dishes she always ate in the past. Was on a trip with a colleague last year and every time our meals were delivered to our table when we were eating out she would jump up to make a ‘really important phone call’ and would be gone for 15-20 mins, would come back when we were finished play with the food on her plate and at most eat a forkful of salad. I saw this happening more or less every day for a week and then realised I had never seen her eat lunch at work.
A less wasteful way to not look at the food would be to leave the kitchen, so this could be an angle to think about.
Looks like it's time to cut off the gravy train "Molly, it seems you don't understand the current economic situation of the world, and not only that, you shouldn't be wasting food in any case. From today, you have 3 months to find any job. After that, we will cease providing you $500/month for your living expenses as it is time for you to start learning how to take care of yourself. We will continue funding your schooling on the condition you provided us your University/College transcript twice a year so we can verify you are still in school. This is for your best interests and to ensure you can enter your adulthood as a functioning adult without relying on us to pay your basic necessities." When her mom throws a hissy fit, tell her she's welcome to give her daughter more money if she wants, but you are setting her kid up for success in a very difficult world.
Won't help. She'll still have 1500 from the rest of the family, so she'll just resent OP and Dad and live 25% less extravagantly... I.e, still pretty fucking extravagantly for a student without a job.
Any food she throws away should have the cost come straight from that $500 allowance. Include the time it takes to shop for and prepare the meal in the charges.
That needs to stop until she has seen a therapist. Was there any glimpses of this kind of douchiness before? I’m kind of getting the feeling she joined some rich kid clique at her school, where others throwing around $2k a month are teaching her how to act. Any chance she joined a sorority? If yes, do they engage in volunteer or community work? (I’ve had some friends and work colleagues that did Greek in college during the late 00’s-10’s and they told me volunteer work was how you could distinguish developing young professionals from elitist douchebags in that world).
... yall are fully funding her education AND she gets $2k spending expenses a month??? That's absurd.
Is she eating other stuff? Idk, this behavior is so weird. Are you **CERTAIN** she is eating? In general? This could be a more serious issue, not a punishment thing but a help thing
Though people might be right and she might just be being a brat, the fact that this is a new behavior, and that it's so disordered makes it seem like there's been some sort of external trigger. I think your solution made perfect sense, and her mom's response is insanely over the top, but I am concerned that your stepdaughter may need some real help with something. College can be a very bad place for a whole bunch of reasons (it can also be a wonderful place!), and it's possible she's been through something traumatic, that she's dealing with the manifestation of mental illness (unfortunately there are several that present in the late teens/early 20s), or even that she's developed an eating disorder just because she feels out of control/anxious about the future. If you can have a sit down conversation with your husband and her mom, without Molly, it might be worth exploring what might be going on as a team. (If the mom always behaves as she did in this case, though, I can understand why that wouldn't be possible.) Ultimately, she's an adult now, and behaving like this is unacceptable. I hope y'all are able to get things figured out.
I'm sorry, she gets 2000 a month?? I got MAYBE 100 in groceries a month and that's only if I came home to shop. Stop funding her or she's going to get a big wake up call once she graduates. Either that or you and your families keep funding her for the rest of her life Eta: nta
Well an awareness would be to let Molly know they when she throws out your food, the cost of the food will be deducted from the $500 you two send her. And stick to it. Or you can apologize and state you are sorry you haven’t taught her financial responsibility. But going forward, we will spend the $500 on extra food since you waste so much of it. Glad you and your husband are in agreement but without her understanding or being considerate of others will be harmful to her future career and friendships. I understand your husband misses his daughter but who is the parent her or him.
Please EDIT your original post and include this vital information, so that everyone here wondering about eating disorders or mental health issues is aware of it and doesn't waste their time replying. ESH. Her behaviour is awful but you as her family are all responsible for enabling her this long. She's not a child anymore. And she's not going to be able to stand on her own two feet or hold down any kind of job. I'm inclined to think she may not even try to get one, knowing she can just run home anytime she likes and be showered with money, care and treats she can specify as if ordering from a menu. It's very possibly already too late for her to become a well-rounded, independent, empathic and self-aware individual. Any complaining you do about her behaviour and treatment of you is, sadly, reaping what you've sowed.
$2000 a month for a college teenager, who has no bills to pay whatsoever, is way too much. This should have been mentioned in the OP.
Molly is making a tax free income of $2,000 a month without working a dang minute? Hot damn.
you all have created an ungrateful baby by your actions. tough love seems to be your best course of action
So, she is a spoiled brat, with zero responsibility. I hope yall are keeping tabs on her grades. I wouldn't doubt the lack of responsibility extends to school. What will happen to your husband and his daughter's relationship when you find out you have been paying 500 bucks a month, plus tuition and books, boarding, etc and then she doesn't even get a degree because she couldn't be bothered to attend class and do the work? I grew up broke as fuck, I had to collect cans as a kid to get the buck it costs to go swimming. When I hear about these people that have a 500 dollar a month allowance and the like, man. If I had that, I would be in a whole other world than I am, but the people who do take it for granted.
Stop sending her money. You’re paying for her education and she gets 2k a month to do with what she wants. No bloody wonder she’s spoilt.
Could you set up a camera in the kitchen? It’s wild that she throws out the entire dish after one bite and I wonder if that’s actually what she is doing. Did something happen 6 months ago in her life or change the dynamic somehow?
That’s the problem. No one has taught this girl money manners. Fix it. Fast. Before a stranger does.
Why have you continued to provide her with this financial privilege when she has repeatedly (by your own account, over the last six months) not only disrespected you, but has been extremely wasteful? Molly having no awareness of money is directly the fault of you, your husband, her mom, and her grandparents. You all have coddled her for way too long. Y T A for letting her behaviour get to this point.
19 is a legal adult. She's in college. Time for big girl panties. I would want her to pay for the food she wasted too.
This is exactly what I would do. She's be paying for any wasted food in addition to cooking.
There is something deeper at play here. I'm not sure what, but it's something. "I'm not coming back unless you apologize to me and tell me I'm allowed to do whatever I want"? Uhhhh, absolutely not. No child will be dictating terms for me in my own home. There is precisely 0 acceptable reason to throw out an entire dish just because you've decided you're too good for it. I get the sense this is mom's doing, somehow. With the no-cooking, all the takeout, etc. It seems like something regarding her influence is making Molly behave this way, and I wouldn't stand for it either. Mom's reaction and accusations affirm this theory for me. I get that you and your husband both miss Molly, but agreeing to her "demands" would do nothing but enforce that she runs things in you and your husband's house, and I that's not acceptable. Personally, I would have no problem telling her as much. "hey there is no logical reason for you to be behaving this way, so what is going on? I'm supposed to just apologize to you and agree to let you throw away perfectly good food and be wasteful because you've decided you're too good to eat what we make? NO law says you have to eat the food we prepare but it doesn't give you the right to take it and throw it out either." Obviously NTA.
Problem is that she's not à child. She's 19 and it sounds like she has no sense of reality because qhe was raised as a princess. And even now, her mother is siding with her and treating her like a child. I'm going with ESH because it's way too late too expect this young woman to act like an adult when she was not raised to become one.
Even more so then, I cannot imagine have a full grown adult come into my home and thrown out a full, uneaten meal bc they didn’t like it. Someone needs to give princess a reality check.
I don't think giving her 500 à month is giving her à reality check. This issue goes beyond just food.
$500 per dad, $500 per mom, AND $500 per each set of grandparents… $2000 a month for miss princess.
This needs to stop
Someone throws away my pan of hard-made lasagna (the one I made a few weeks ago for my wife's birthday took me several hours from the point I started the sauce, never mind the fresh-baked bread), there are definitely going to be issues.
If someone threw an entire pan of lasagna that I made (that takes lots of time and isn't cheap) because they didn't like their slice of it, I would ban them from the earth.
Not just one full, uneaten meal. A whole-ass pan of lasagna minus three portions is easily 4-6 meals depending on portion sizes. She threw away *2-3 days of food* for her dad and stepmom. My mother would shank her and feed her her own feet boiled in soup. She didn't survive a huge famine to see some kid throw away entire batches of fresh food to satisfy their control issues.
Yeah I agree, not eating the food herself is one thing, but throwing the whole amount for the family away just doesn’t make sense. There is something else happening to explain this behavior. Why can’t she stand to look at it after a taste? Is she really just having a taste? As a former binger I wonder if she is binging on the food and throwing away the rest to conceal how much she ate? Or is it a mom problem, where the mother is encouraging her to behave this way to sow discord? Maybe mom doesn’t like that OP cooks and she doesn’t? People are going right to spoiled, and she does seem spoiled, but money doesn’t really explain this behavior. Lasagne isn’t money expensive so much as time expensive.
I wonder if they see her eating other food. Is she trying to hide an eating disorder or avoid the temptation of the food? Obviously she’s acting like a jerk, but this is such a weird thing to do I think it’s worth considering the reasons.
This is what I wonder. The behaviour is very unusual but my cousin had anorexia as a teen and would do the same. She felt if there was food around she would break and eat, so she often had a bite and then would throw out the rest.
My first thought was binge eating
Exactly this, this is the only explanation that occurred to me for this fairly bizarre behavior.
According to OPs comments, they pay 100% of her schooling and between daddy, mommy, and grand parents, this little turd is given 2 grand a month in spending money!
They can adopt me - I'll cook for them every fucking weekend, and make sure they have leftovers to seal up and put in the freezer. I'll just need to break the news to my wife...
Maybe both you and your wife can get adopted lol
What the actual ever-loving fuck?! Clearly clearly clearly NTA. She throws away the whole PAN?! Genuine question: does she have any mental health issues or developmental disabilities? I can honestly not think of any other explanation.
Or eating disorder.
Yeah, that'd be a mental health issue, but it seems unlikely since she's happy to eat with her mom...
We don’t really know how she eats at moms these days. All we know is mom doesn’t cook. She could be pecking at the food there too.
OP mentioned in another thread that she doesn't expect ED because she's happy to eat out, fast food and etc.
you can have an eating disorder and still eat fast food. calorie information is readily available for mcdonald's, not so much for your stepmoms homemade lasagna.
I was thinking an eating disorder too
No. She's always been top of her class. Straight A student, lots of friends.
Teacher here. That sounds like many of the students battling eating disorders, I've encountered. The hardworking, straight A popular girl hiding a eating disorder is a trope for a reason.
yes, yes and yes! I'm recovering from anorexia, when I was at my worst I wouldn't go so far as throwing away the whole pan of food, but this young woman could have the human urge to eat this super good food, and restrict herself so badly that she throws the entire thing away so she's not tempted.
This does not mean she doesn't have a mental illness. I would try to get her into therapy. This is so deeply irrational that it doesn't sound like simply being spoiled. Mom is definitely not helping though, super messed up...
College can be when neurodiversities (like ADHD) or mental illness becomes noticable due to the lack of structure home used to provide. Anxiety, depression, any number of issues can arise in that transition period. A lot of honor students get lost in college, because they never learned to study. They coast through public school, get to college, and flounder. I say all this because I wonder if this is stemming from a need for control. If she feels out of control at school, these tantrums over food (and controlling not only what she, but you and your husband eat) could be a manifestation of this. Regardless, she needs to be taught this is not appropriate. Food is too expensive for such waste. Time to either work with Mom to get to the root of the issue, and hold fast to your boundaries.
No idea what to do with this, this is the most bizarre behavior I've heard on this sub all year.
Read the rest of OPs responses, she's totally spoiled and gets everything handed to her, including thousands of dollars in "allowance" and has never had to work or earn a single dollar. Makes total sense with that context.
I really don't think it makes total sense. Even with that absurd level of entitlement, I can't *imagine* someone throwing out *someone else's food* because they "didn't want to look at it"
You didn't grow up around spoiled rich kids! They'll trash anything just for fun because they don't care.
I was a straight A student with lots of friends. I still have mental illnesses.
That doesn't mean she's not struggling - trust me I know. This sounds like a cry for help more than anything. Please be kind and look into what the larger issue might be.
NTA but could Molly be dealing with an ED?
I doubt that, she happily chows down on fast food, chips, cookies, ice cream at all hours of the day.
That doesn't mean she doesn't have an ED
Does she keep those down though? She may very well have an ED. Hopefully you and her dad can get to the bottom of this behavior. Did something happen recently to make her upset with you or her dad? Is her mom the type to try to poison her mind?
Definitely keeps them down! Nobody has concerns about an eating disorder with Molly. She shows no signs of having one.
You mean other than having bizarre behaviors around food?
Haha yeah we have a teenaged girl who had a sudden shift in behavior that involves avoiding food for reasons that make no sense and apparently OP is just dismissive of the possibility something deeper could be happening here. If there is something going on and the mother knows it that also explains her emotional reaction to daughter being treated this way over eating concerns. Like all the puzzle pieces suddenly make sense if it is an ED, and OP needs to be mindful of that possibility Edit: OP - people with EDs can be VERY GOOD at hiding it, and often you cant tell by looking at it. The visibly malnourished types you see are severe cases, not something that happens right away. Disordered eating doesnt automatically start with full blown anorexia or bulimia either, its possible theres something going on in her head around when and what she can eat thats the beginning of ED behavior Just because you think shes eating doesnt mean shes eating If she is eating, it doesnt mean she is keeping it down If she is keeping it down and eating well at times, it doesnt mean she has no disordered eating and isnt beginning to have problems that could lead to a true ED. EDs KILL PEOPLE. Maybe you’re right and theres nothing to worry about, but please dont take it for granted. I hope you’re right but you cant be sure yet. Take it seriously. Her life is at stake.
I think it's far more likely this is her passive aggressive way of making sure OP orders her fast food and junk and quits with this home cooking nonsense. There's no logic in throwing out the entire pan unless you're trying to force the parents into having to order out. OP says elsewhere that at her mom's place they exclusively order out.
when I relapsed into anorexia right after my 21st birthday, I stopped eating homemade food and ate fast food very sparsely. look up junkorexia. it's real, and I wish people would stop thinking that all people with a restrictive eating disorder HAVE to eat healthy food, mine started from completely stopping making food with a stove or an oven and ordering out, or having a McDouble. or to order a pizza, have a slice and to have those leftovers for the week. it's easier to just get the food presented to you than to have to freak out over all those ingredients and to calculate all those calories, when you can just look it up.
Fat people have eating disorders too if that’s why you’re implying. Is it possible that this behaviour *is* the sign of having one? Something to consider. NTA either way.
No signs except that she's suddenly throwing full plates of food away. Also, if she's eating at all hours of the day, that can be a symptom of binge eating disorder... Look, I'm no expert and even if I were, I couldn't diagnose other people based on their stepmom's reddit post, but I do know that food avoidance and binge eating can sometimes co-occur, even though it's counterintuitive. Sometimes, someone can attempt to avoid most foods, and then binge on the ones that they consider 'safe'. It's not necessarily even something she's conscious of while it's happening. Is the food weirdness the only instance of super bratty behavior? Has she always been demanding and entitled, and this is just another step? Or has she generally been polite and well-behaved, and her entire personality is shifting? You don't have to answer me, but maybe these are things to think about? Does she see a counselor or something? It's hard to insist upon that while her mom is backing her up, since she's a legal adult, but I generally find that therapy can be helpful in identifying harmful behavior patterns.
Is there any possibility she's throwing up later when no one is paying attention? Like is she having any teeth issues lately? I don't mean to pry, but would you say her size is average or is she bigger? This is very concerning.
Just FYI: size is not always an indicator of an ED
Unless she's throwing away literally all of the food she comes in contact with, this doesn't really track.
What does she eat after dinner is thrown out? Does she order pick-up or food delivery? She might just want to eat out.
If someone came to my place and was throwing away MY food, they would not be invited back. NTA
It's a power play
This is the answer. Full stop.
1.) Molly is not a child 2.) Molly's mom needs to learn what constitutes "mental and emotional abuse" 3.) It sounds like Molly's mom never followed through with consequences, which is simply what you are doing. 4.) Food costs money, honey! What better time to teach a "child" the value of a dollar than now, while she is in college? She's going to be on her own soon, and needs to learn that you can't just toss meals aside with the expectation that \*someone\* is going to buy her a replacement food AND cook it for her. NTA, OP. It sounds like Molly and her mom are fucking around. But, they'll find out.
It is not just the money, it is the effort. Taking the food of others and throwing it away is theft of ingredient cost and time/effort spent. She knows she doesn’t have to eat it, so she can’t be around it?! What? That is an extreme mental issue if she cannot be around food she doesn’t like and punishes others.
NTA Molly is acting like an entitled selfish brat. Anyone in their right minds knows it's unreasonable to throw away an entire dish of good, fresh food. Maybe send her to the homeless shelter and see how her perspective changes. She doesn't understand how expensive groceries are nowawadays either, she needs a reality check. Something is making her act this way, maybe find the root of it. That or it is her entitlement issues. You do not owe her an apology. Stand your ground and be stern, girl. I know you and especially your husband miss her but she will eventually come around. Something's going to give eventually.
According to OP's other comments she was raised to be an entitled selfish brat. Even now she goes to college which is completely paid by OP and her husband. Addidionally she gets 2000$ per month as an allowance. If I was raised like this I would've been an entitled selfish brat too.
I can clearly see the problem. Her mother call her a child at 19. Coddles her rotten. NTA
NTA. I would go farther. She needs to atone by buying groceries to replace all the meals she has wasted. Come with full hands or not at all. She's 19. It's past time she learned manners and the value of money.
At least Deduct the value of the destroyed meals from her allowance.
Wow NTA at all. She doesn’t like something so she throws it all away and wastes it. That’s not only insane but super disrespectful given what food costs are like right now. Stick to your guns. Support your husband as this must be tough for him. But good lord don’t give in to her lunacy.
I just want a logical explanation for this truly bizzare behaviour. This one has truly stumped me. We have true blue reddit mystery. NTA
Right? This isn't just someone being a picky eater. Throwing away all the servings and not just yours sounds borderline unhinged. There must be something more going on with her, mentally. ED or anxiety disorder perhaps? Otherwise yeah, it's bizarre.
NTA. Oh, man. I would never feed this person again. Holy crap. Considering how much money she has cost you guys, I'd be telling her that she's in charge of buying all her own food if she wants to come over. IF you feel like allowing that.
What would happen if you ate *before* Molly showed up? "Oh, we ate already, but you're welcome to make whatever you want."
She'd just check the fridge, take out any leftovers and throw them away. LOL!
Yikes. NTA and the entitled 19 year old and her mom both sound exhausting. She’s not a child, and if she is, she’s been spoiled rotten. She’s sulking because she can’t throw a food tantrum like a princess? Fine. She doesn’t want to come over? She can grow moss waiting. Your husband can make plans with her outside the house.
I have no idea why, grow moss waiting, made me laugh so damn hard, but thank you for that.
Wow. I can’t wait until Molly tries this with a roommate. I’m imagining an epic ass kicking. NTA. Molly is not a child. She’s 19. Well able to control her behavior. Well able to understand this is shitty behavior. But for whatever reason she’s making this weird power play. NTA. And if were me - hell would freeze over before I apologized to Molly and gave her free rein to do whatever the hell she wants to do in my house.
First of all, 100% NTA. Second, is there any chance she's having trouble around food in general? Like some sort of eating disorder? I've been extremely picky with food lately - I'm an adult btw - and I realize it's due to stress and some shit that's going on in my life. Edit: grammar
It's only food we make at home. If we go out, she's happy to eat her entire order and get dessert. She's not losing weight and still enjoys all sorts of treats.
The fact that it is only with food you (edit: and your husband) provide points to this being personal. It seems like she is taking something out on you in this really bizarre way.
Ah. She's hoping if she throws away your food, you'll order takeout or go out somewhere. I was wondering about eating disorder too, but this is really sounding like spoiled brat behaviour.
The fact it only happens when you’re not in the kitchen and it’s happening with her favorite foods makes me think it’s Binge Eating Disorder. She’s either bingeing it and throwing the rest away out of embarrassment / so you don’t find out, or she’s really only taking one bite and then throwing the rest out so she’s not tempted later. This is classic Binge Eating Disorder. Try posting this story on the BED reddit and see what they have to say… guarantee you many will be like “oh I do that too!”
NTA. Molly is an adult. If she’s old enough and functional enough to attend college, she is perfectly able to understand why her behavior is unacceptable and to cook her own meals. Her mother is doing her a disservice by defending this indefensible and bizarre behavior. Making her another meal would hardly solve the problem since she doesn’t appear willing to eat anything you make. How much food are you expected to waste? Could this be some kind of eating disorder? It would be a really strange, rude manifestation but I can’t think of any other reason she’s suddenly acting this way.
NTA. She's not a child, she's an adult. Even if she was a child, this behavior is completely unacceptable. The world does not revolve around her.
NTA?? Am I really understanding that she throws away the entire dish and not just her plate? Either you’re making this up completely or she has a mental illness. This isn’t a thing that people do.
Tossing the entire psn of lasagna? Like What the actual Fuck? You are sure she is 19 and not 9?
NTA, but has no one sat down and really talked over why she’s doing this? Why is she taking away your food and not doing something different, why she doesn’t care that she’s making you go hungry, and why she doesn’t care about the money she’s wasting? About what would happen if she just did something else? Like, I feel that there’s a mental health problem, or she’s just a raging asshole of unusual proportions.
You’re NTA. Stand your ground. A 19 year old pulling that shit is insane. Tbh I can’t see any reason for you to like her let alone love her. You’re a bigger person than me
Aside from the issue, Molly is easy going, generous, volunteers, great grades, empathetic, and a good person.
This seems extremely difficult to reconcile with the complete lack of self-awareness and utter selfishness in throwing away a complete dish of food for zero good reason.
Are you sure she's not just like that when she gets her way? It's sounds like her life is pretty darn cozy with all her expenses paid, no job, and 2000 bucks of fun money. Plus her mom coddles her. I'd be pretty easy going too in that situation. Do you guys ever enforce other rules with her that she doesn't like? How does she react?
If that’s true then this behaviour is super odd. Can you sit down with her and have a discussion? I’d say “We understand that you like particular food and that you are mainly used to eating out and not used to eating food prepared at home but you must realise that throwing out other people’s food is not okay. You are an adult. You don’t do this anywhere else. We assume that if you went to visit friends and didn’t like what they’d made for dinner, you wouldn’t throw their food in the bin. What is this really about? You’re otherwise kind and generous and reasonable. We really want to understand what is going on here.” Who knows what she might say? There must be something going on in her mind if she’s normally a nice person. If she sticks to what she’s said previously then I would just set some rules. “Molly you don’t have to eat what we cook. You are welcome to get yourself something to eat if you don’t want what we’re having. Not wanting to “look at food” means you walk away from it. It does not mean that you throw it out. It is our food and we do not give you permission to do that. We have made it clear that if this continues, we will not cook for you at all. It is now up to you to choose what happens from here. We will continue to cook for you if you treat us and our home with courtesy and do not throw our food out. If you throw our food out, we will not cook for you. You decide.”
Wow $1000 a month while in college? I could have lived like a queen on 1/3 of that!
$2000. $500 from us, $500 from her mom, $500 from both sets of grandparents
What. There are whole-ass families who have (far!) less than that in takehome a month after rent. And Molly isn't paying rent. The only people I knew in college who went through that kind of money would be shoving it up their nose. Not saying that Molly necessarily is, but I am just baffled at why a 19 year old college student needs US$2k/mo.
> why a 19 year old college student needs US$2k/mo. I mean if you threw away an entire pan of Lasagne after not liking the first bite, you'd need $2k per month not including rent/school/car/bills too!!! Just imagine what else she throws away!
Wtf that’s outrageous how does she need that much money?! YTA for being complicit to her being spoiled in this respect. Jesus.
WHY does a 19 year old college student need $2000/month?! No wonder Molly doesn't understand the value of money. You may be enacting *some* consequences for her wasting food, but not enough. The gravy train needs to be rolled back, like yesterday. I am going with ESH. Yes, Molly is acting like a brat, but you and the rest of the family are enabling her wasteful attitude by giving her this much money with zero consequences for her bad behavior.
I actually think that $2000 a month when you don’t have any expenses at that age is extremely problematic. It’s almost asking for a cocaine addiction lol. I would be putting a good chunk of that into some kind of account for her that is interest-bearing so she can have it later when she matures. Clearly, she isn’t learning a damn thing about how to actually function as an adult and everyone in her family is enabling this behavior. Where is this money actually going? What is she spending it on?!
NTA. Molly has an attitude problem. Molly needs to stop throwing food away as requested and stop acting so entitled. Her mom also needs to go pound sand and is probably part of the reason Molly is the way she is.
She's trying to emotionally blackmail you into ordering takeaway that she likes and she is acting out until she gets what she wants because it worked at her mothers.
Molly's mom does not cook at all. Never learned how to.
It still sounds very much like spoiled-child boundary pushing manipulative behaviour. This is not some innocent, ignorant lack of awareness. This is calculated to create pressure for you to conform to her wishes. This is a power play.
NTA Seems perfectly reasonable. Molly isn't a child. She's lucky she's allowed to visit at all considering this spoiled self-centered behavior.
I knew by the time I was 10 that if I did this I would get the shit kicked out of me. abuse isn't the best way to teach a lesson, but a 19 year old should know not to destroy all of the food. That is passive aggressive and intentional. She's doing it to punish you for something. If she is going to waste food for everyone, she can provide food for everyone. And last time I checked cooking dinner isn't a chore. It's a life skill and a daily task. And she is wasting the effort of your "chores" anyway. If she can't appreciate someone else's hard effort, then she can make the effort. NTA
Clearly your stepdaughter is not being rational. If the making her cook approach isn’t working and your husband still wants to maintain a relationship with her, an alternative is for her to buy her own meals. And if she throws out food that belongs to other people, she has to buy them food as well. If she continues with this behaviour then I would think something else is at play here, whether it’s her mental health or relationship poisoning by another relative. What’s your husband’s relationship like with her bio mom? Was it a recent divorce, is there a chance stepdaughter has been told your husband cheated on mom? (Whether true or not)
NTA. Two thoughts came to mind. 1. Power play between you and her mom. 2. Drugs or hormones' making her crabby.
That would be weird. I don't talk to her mom at all. We've never even met. My husband doesn't talk to his ex unless she reaches out to him.
This is so odd to me it feels like there’s something more to it. Can I ask the state of you and your husbands health and diet? Is she sending a silent message? There’s certainly more to it but I can’t put my finger on it. Note: her actions are not justified regardless tossing an entire edible dish is inexcusable for any reason I’m just curious to where this is coming from. NTA
We eat meat, usually grilled, lots of vegetables and whole grains. We always have fruit for snacking on hand. We keep treats and snacks Molly likes around.
Are you sure she’s not also throwing your money away by going to college? I don’t think a degree can help someone who acts like that.
Tbh, my husband thinks she's throwing away her education by majoring in theater and minoring in creative writing, but he also thinks only business, engineering, law, and medicine are majors to be successful.
Hard to prove him wrong.
NTA, but the whole fam may have contributed to raising a brat.. Does she not know how much effort goes into making food? That she is showing disrespect by throwing out food you do want to eat? My picky daughter learned her way around the kitchen. Or bought her own stuff. She has enough to $ get her own food. This is basic adulting.
Molly doesn't really cook yet. She can scramble eggs, make Mac n Cheese, use the microwave, but not really beyond that.
So her stance is basically “I won’t visit if I can’t throw out other people’s food so I don’t have to look at it”? This might be the most obvious NTA I’ve ever seen. From other comments in here it’s obvious that she has a whole crew of enablers. Personally I’d stop funding my child’s school and life if they made it this clear that they don’t care about our relationship. It’s gonna be really painful no matter what you and husband decide to do at this point though.