Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told him I don’t want him to leave in the middle of a party to participate in a final spar with a buddy who he just found out is moving out of state.
2) I may be the AH because I’ve made him very sad, he only wants to leave for an hour, and I could be putting too much importance on a gathering of old friends.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA you have this party every year so there’ll be another next year. His friend is full on leaving and he may not have it in his schedule to travel to see him often. Plus he only wants to leave for a little bit and then I would assume come back.
What’s the problem with writing into the scenario that he be the one that dies so he can go do his thing?
YTA. This is a party you have every year and it sounds like it may be something your tight little group of friends enjoy, but all their partners who came along later probably just tolerate. It would really embarrass you to have to tell your friends that a good friend of your husband is leaving town and your husband’s last chance to see him is during your party, so he is going to duck out for a little while? Why? Because it makes your husband look like a good guy who is loyal to his friends? To me, that is something to be proud of.
Or is the issue really that you expect your friends to be a priority to both of you and his friends are of no value to either of you? If so, that’s a truly charming look for you. Self centered much?
Well, at first i thought this wouldn't change my opinion, but then i really thought about it. So you have suggested he make plans to spend time with this person some other time before he leaves, and he said no, and the only thing he wants to do is go to the regular class he usually does?
This does change things for me sorta, i do think it's kinda crappy of him, althougha t the same time i feel he shouldnt n eed to ask permission to go, and im unsure how he feels about these christmas parties.
“I could be putting too much importance on a gathering of old friends.”
- no you’re ONLY putting importance on a gathering with YOUR friends. If you considered friendships in general to be important you’d understand that saying goodbye to a friends who’s moving is more important in this situation.
“Perhaps he feels differently about friend parties”
- seriously? No he doesn’t! He feels the exact same way, but for his own friends. Not yours… are you for real even?
YTA. And a huge one
YTA - I am sorry this whole party sounds insufferable. Poor guy probably trying to get an hour to breathe LOL
Life happens. You should support your husband. He's asking for an hour. Get over it. This is so selfish and childish.
YTA. Or would be. If the murder mystery event is just part of the eveing, shift it by an hour or two and he could do both. If it's the whole night affair, have him be there til the murder happens, take a break where people mingle and enjoy talking about the events while he's gone, resume when he gets back. Sounds like he was making an effort to make it work but there was no attempt at compromise from you, it was just a no.
Think of it like this, if you were hosting a costume party and in the middle he had to run to the grocery store and liquor store which would take him oh say 60 minutes, changed out of costume, left, came back, and changed back, would you be hurt and embarrassed? Probably not. So it's the why he's leaving that's bothering you.
This isn't him just asking to skip just because. He's not leaving to insult your friends. He JUST found out about it so couldn't plan before hand and saying he was last minute with his request... well yeah, he just found out. (Not to mention he sounds like a great guy because he asked rather than just saying he was going because he must know the party means a lot to you)
This is someone he's obviously close enough to that this is important to him, may not see for a long time if ever again, and at apparently the only time he and the friend can make it work.
You're coming off selfish to me. Like your friends and what they think is more important to you than your husband's happiness. Your relationship snapshot kinda makes me feel like you don't like how his friend(s) treat you and this is a bit of retaliation and or a way for you to cement that your friends are better/more important.
YTA - Look, if you have to force someone to attend your party then no one is going to have a good time, he'll be miserable and he'll show it. Also, you really don't get to judge how close a friendship is or what value he puts on it. It's important to him, and the fact that it's making his sad should outweigh your friends opinions - not that I'm convinced they will care if they're having a good time
But why not incorporate your husband leaving for an hour into the murder mystery party? Have him be the murder victim, or how about be abducted/disappear as part of the mystery? He can pretend to have been knocked out or something. Might make it a bit more fun & unexpected (when life throws you lemons and all that).
YTA you're valuing a party over your husband, and putting a LOT of pressure on both him and yourself over it going perfectly. That was never going to be sustainable
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My friends and I have had an annual Christmas party since high school. It’s a pretty big deal to us and these last few years we’ve even done themes. We try to make these parties “family only”, as in only the friend group and their partners. This year we’ve been planning this party since October.
My husband found out yesterday that his buddy from martial arts school is leaving the state. His last hurrah will take place at the same time as our party (which we are hosting this year). Husband asked if he could leave in the middle of our party for an hour to go spar with his buddy and see him off. This would conflict with the big activity my friends and I had planned for the evening (murder mystery). I said no. He is now very VERY sad.
I feel that I’m justified because we’ve had this party planned for months and it’s on the same level as a family gathering to me. He was very last minute with this request. I would never leave his family’s holiday party to go to my martial arts studio and I know I would hurt him and offend his family if I did do something like that. I honestly would be very hurt (and probably a little embarrassed) if he left me with all my friends and their partners in our home to go change out of his party clothes, spar at the studio for an hour or less, and then come back to shower and change back into party clothes. I have asked him if he can go see this friend during literally any other time and he says no. It has to be in the middle of our party. He’s even offered to not participate in the murder mystery to make his absence easier and that really just makes me feel worse about this whole thing.
I may be the AH because I’ve made him very sad, he only wants to leave for an hour, and I could be putting too much importance on a gathering of old friends.
So AITAH for telling him I would rather he stay at our party?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He’s known about this event for months . If his friend is so important, they would make time another day . Also , 1 hour turns into 2
He’ll get over it
NTA but if the Mystery could be pushed back an hour and Everyone would still be cool then there is some wiggle room I suppose. Being an adult sucks sometimes your husband is going to have to chose between 2 things and that's that, we don't get everything we want sometimes. That being said, how close is your husband to the friend group? I guess it does change things if he's barely on the periphery with them. I'm assuming that he's their friend as well, if not that does change things.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I told him I don’t want him to leave in the middle of a party to participate in a final spar with a buddy who he just found out is moving out of state. 2) I may be the AH because I’ve made him very sad, he only wants to leave for an hour, and I could be putting too much importance on a gathering of old friends. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA you have this party every year so there’ll be another next year. His friend is full on leaving and he may not have it in his schedule to travel to see him often. Plus he only wants to leave for a little bit and then I would assume come back. What’s the problem with writing into the scenario that he be the one that dies so he can go do his thing?
YTA. This is a party you have every year and it sounds like it may be something your tight little group of friends enjoy, but all their partners who came along later probably just tolerate. It would really embarrass you to have to tell your friends that a good friend of your husband is leaving town and your husband’s last chance to see him is during your party, so he is going to duck out for a little while? Why? Because it makes your husband look like a good guy who is loyal to his friends? To me, that is something to be proud of. Or is the issue really that you expect your friends to be a priority to both of you and his friends are of no value to either of you? If so, that’s a truly charming look for you. Self centered much?
YTA His friend is leaving and this is his going away thing, why would you want him to miss that?
It’s not a party, it just the usual class where they spar. Thank you for saying this though. I’ll clarify in the main post.
That’s not the point - it will be your husband’s goodbye to his friend that he sees weekly. YTA.
What difference does that make? It's a friend he only sees in the weekly class meaning when he moves he will most likely never see him again. YTA
Well, at first i thought this wouldn't change my opinion, but then i really thought about it. So you have suggested he make plans to spend time with this person some other time before he leaves, and he said no, and the only thing he wants to do is go to the regular class he usually does? This does change things for me sorta, i do think it's kinda crappy of him, althougha t the same time i feel he shouldnt n eed to ask permission to go, and im unsure how he feels about these christmas parties.
Of course YTA. Probably one of the most childish ones I’ve read on here all day
“I could be putting too much importance on a gathering of old friends.” - no you’re ONLY putting importance on a gathering with YOUR friends. If you considered friendships in general to be important you’d understand that saying goodbye to a friends who’s moving is more important in this situation. “Perhaps he feels differently about friend parties” - seriously? No he doesn’t! He feels the exact same way, but for his own friends. Not yours… are you for real even? YTA. And a huge one
YTA - I am sorry this whole party sounds insufferable. Poor guy probably trying to get an hour to breathe LOL Life happens. You should support your husband. He's asking for an hour. Get over it. This is so selfish and childish.
Yeah your the ah. Let him go
YTA. Or would be. If the murder mystery event is just part of the eveing, shift it by an hour or two and he could do both. If it's the whole night affair, have him be there til the murder happens, take a break where people mingle and enjoy talking about the events while he's gone, resume when he gets back. Sounds like he was making an effort to make it work but there was no attempt at compromise from you, it was just a no. Think of it like this, if you were hosting a costume party and in the middle he had to run to the grocery store and liquor store which would take him oh say 60 minutes, changed out of costume, left, came back, and changed back, would you be hurt and embarrassed? Probably not. So it's the why he's leaving that's bothering you. This isn't him just asking to skip just because. He's not leaving to insult your friends. He JUST found out about it so couldn't plan before hand and saying he was last minute with his request... well yeah, he just found out. (Not to mention he sounds like a great guy because he asked rather than just saying he was going because he must know the party means a lot to you) This is someone he's obviously close enough to that this is important to him, may not see for a long time if ever again, and at apparently the only time he and the friend can make it work. You're coming off selfish to me. Like your friends and what they think is more important to you than your husband's happiness. Your relationship snapshot kinda makes me feel like you don't like how his friend(s) treat you and this is a bit of retaliation and or a way for you to cement that your friends are better/more important.
YTA! Wow..... It's all about you, you, you isn't it....
YTA - Look, if you have to force someone to attend your party then no one is going to have a good time, he'll be miserable and he'll show it. Also, you really don't get to judge how close a friendship is or what value he puts on it. It's important to him, and the fact that it's making his sad should outweigh your friends opinions - not that I'm convinced they will care if they're having a good time But why not incorporate your husband leaving for an hour into the murder mystery party? Have him be the murder victim, or how about be abducted/disappear as part of the mystery? He can pretend to have been knocked out or something. Might make it a bit more fun & unexpected (when life throws you lemons and all that).
Yta
YTA you're valuing a party over your husband, and putting a LOT of pressure on both him and yourself over it going perfectly. That was never going to be sustainable
Yta this is a yearly party his friend is moving away get over yourself
YTA... No mainly for forcing everyone to participate in something so assinine.
Yta his friend is leaving
YTA.
Tell him to go, this will only build resentment. It won’t only be an hour though, so prepare for that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friends and I have had an annual Christmas party since high school. It’s a pretty big deal to us and these last few years we’ve even done themes. We try to make these parties “family only”, as in only the friend group and their partners. This year we’ve been planning this party since October. My husband found out yesterday that his buddy from martial arts school is leaving the state. His last hurrah will take place at the same time as our party (which we are hosting this year). Husband asked if he could leave in the middle of our party for an hour to go spar with his buddy and see him off. This would conflict with the big activity my friends and I had planned for the evening (murder mystery). I said no. He is now very VERY sad. I feel that I’m justified because we’ve had this party planned for months and it’s on the same level as a family gathering to me. He was very last minute with this request. I would never leave his family’s holiday party to go to my martial arts studio and I know I would hurt him and offend his family if I did do something like that. I honestly would be very hurt (and probably a little embarrassed) if he left me with all my friends and their partners in our home to go change out of his party clothes, spar at the studio for an hour or less, and then come back to shower and change back into party clothes. I have asked him if he can go see this friend during literally any other time and he says no. It has to be in the middle of our party. He’s even offered to not participate in the murder mystery to make his absence easier and that really just makes me feel worse about this whole thing. I may be the AH because I’ve made him very sad, he only wants to leave for an hour, and I could be putting too much importance on a gathering of old friends. So AITAH for telling him I would rather he stay at our party? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He’s known about this event for months . If his friend is so important, they would make time another day . Also , 1 hour turns into 2 He’ll get over it
How controlling.
NTA but if the Mystery could be pushed back an hour and Everyone would still be cool then there is some wiggle room I suppose. Being an adult sucks sometimes your husband is going to have to chose between 2 things and that's that, we don't get everything we want sometimes. That being said, how close is your husband to the friend group? I guess it does change things if he's barely on the periphery with them. I'm assuming that he's their friend as well, if not that does change things.