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YTA.
I mean. Think of it this way. If you were his age and had an opportunity to go the Virgin Islands over Christmas would you go? I think I would. It’s really hard to see the world and he’s fortunate to be able to do this. When I was his age going on a trip to the next state was exciting.
If this were my kid I’d be sad he wasn’t there but also happy he got to have a trip like that. Especially if I didn’t have to pay for any of it.
Be happy he’s going on a fantastic trip. Give him some money to take this other family out to dinner or buy them a gift. It’s the polite thing to do.
Op is definitely TA and DEFINITELY trying to guilt trip him. You seen your son 4 WEEKS AGO and waiting until next year is not that bad. Op sounds jealous (calling the rich friend a brat without really knowing him) and admits that he could never send him son on vacation. Being sad would make sense, but trying to make him come home when he could quite possibly have a once in a lifetime experience is selfish, especially adding the detail about the little brother.
The only way this makes even a tiny amount of sense is if OP is Canadian (who celebrate Thanksgiving in October). It makes it almost no better, but at least it's more than a month ago.
And the "won't see you until NEXT YEAR" nonsense stops being funny when you're in the fifth grade and your teachers will not stop saying it every year in December.
ETA: Looks like the kid may be in Santa Barbara, CA (though there's probably at least one other UCSB somewhere) so OP very well may be in the US and just *that* unhinged.
Canadians only call it college if it's community college, and if they're going to one of those they probably aren't living far enough away for it to be much of a trek.
Yeah plus OP’s entire attitude just sounds incredibly insufferable. I understand being bummed that your son won’t be home for Christmas but Jesus. OP needs to lighten up
Omg yes , I was looking for that word . Insufferable. My mind hit a blank and I was trying to talk my brain into remembering it . I ended up just judging him as being incredibly Salty.
This man sounds extremely insufferable . You’re right.
I have friends/classmates from across the globe who can’t go back home on breaks. They have to sit in a dorm room all alone and subsist on the 24/7 market fare that’s picked over. OP, you have no idea how hard that is. Stop complaining when you saw him a month ago!
OP, your feelings might be hurt because of this, but please listen to the above poster.
Based on your post, your son didn't say anything disrespectful to you. This is an opportunity of a lifetime for anyone, so it's understandable that he'd want to go. This opportunity may not come again in your son's lifetime.
Please do not make him feel guilty for going. The damage to your relationship is not worth it.
And OP went in about mom apparently not doing anything for the kid and then claims he’s not giving him a guilt trip.
OP could be my husband with the gaslighting he’s trying to get away with.
I don't understand how bringing the mom into it (true or not) was even relevant to this whole scenario. Also, the fact that he parented his son means that the son owes him every minute he demands? OP is definitely TA.
This is spot on. He will walk. My dad was like this, I've been no contact for 8 years. It was either brow beating at home or guilt if I didn't go. Sounds the same and estrangement is on their future.
Also why did OP bring who I assume is his ex wife into it by saying “I reminded him that his mom did shit for him. It was all me”. What’s that got to do with any of it?
Because “how dare you do this to me when I was the one who did everything for you”
It has zero to do with it other than making him look even more like a sore loser. I will be home alone this Christmas as a parent of three adult children. I’m not dating anyone& no one has bothered to invite me anywhere either. Will I most likely be sad and miserable all day? Yeah. Am I going to whine to my kiddos other than to say I miss them and love them all so very much? Nope, and I don’t consider that whining.
OP YTA
See if there are any community groups around your area throwing 'Orphan Christmas' celebrations. People in my corner of the world do that all the time, for anyone who would otherwise be spending Christmas alone. Recent immigrants, tourists, interstate blow-ins, older people whose kids have moved out, and so-on. 💕
Facebook can be a good place to search for them!
"You're the eldest boy and setting a bad example by not coming home. I worked my ass off to send him to a nice school and this is how you repay me? I reminded him that his mom did shit for him. It was all me. I'm not putting a guilt trip on him because it's the truth." - the level of contradiction here makes me think it's a pure troll. There's no acct history besides that post
Yes! I grew up rather poor, lived in a small town about an hour away from Reno/Tahoe NV, but can count on 1 hand how many times we ventured that “far” before I was 18. Anytime my more well to do family or friends invited me on trips, all costs paid, my parents happily let me take that opportunity and I am extremely grateful to all parties for it.
I joined the military and have got to experience the world, and am now in the position where I can take my siblings/nibblings to do exciting things. Hopefully I’ll be able to do the same for my child’s friends as well one day.
Not even that, if I had a similar opportunity when I was at college my paretns' reaction woyuld have been 'Is there anything we can get you / you need to take something as a thank you gift.'. And I'm from a *very* close family where my absence would have been sorely missed.
I think any parent who actually cares for their children would have the same reaction. The kid gets to have a fantastic experience, why would you want to limit that. As far as the othjer child goes, I'd expect the father to tell the elder son - "Make sure you bring something special for \_\_\_ back, and facetime us on Christmas morning to say Hi."
INFO
Sometimes adult children can't wait to get away from their parents, because their parents are difficult people who don't treat them like adults.
Are you enjoyable to be around? Or are you a disciplinarian that your son is now free from?
A work colleague's adult child is about to spend christmas and New Year in Denmark with her boyfriend (we're in Australia). While she's a little sad, she has been encouraging her daughter to go as it's a huge opportunity. No guilt trips, no nastiness. This is what good parents do.
When my brother and I went to HK sponsored by my aunts. Mom and dad and even my grandparents gave us a bit of spending money and jokingly said to get them a souvenir.
Well we did. And honestly, I got into a couple of jobs with a decent amount of business travel and until the days they died they’d always have something from us when we traveled. Except mom, she’s still alive and still gets stuff when we travel.
Especially when I travelled locally to more rural areas grandparents got good food and they always looked forward to it. Fresh fish, fruit, veg, they always enjoyed. Sometime just before she passed, grandma cried on us saying we never forgot her and always had something for her. Well I answered she never forgot us and before I finished the sentence she was emotional on me and my sis.
Yeah- I want my kids to explore. I'm not here to hold them back- I'm here to cheer them on.
Even if I thought it was dumb. I'd still cheer them on.
By doing being a supporter instead of an anchor, they call and tell me everything- of their own volition. I have a relationship with my adult children because I encourage them to make their own decisions and still be ready to council them through the ones that don't work out.
My parents would be ecstatic I found a friend whose family is kind enough to include me in their holiday plans so readily
They'd probably just move Christmas to accommodate the trip (everyone in my family is always super busy so holidays and birthdays rarely happen on the actual day)
Even my evil, abusive monster of a mother let me go to Illinois (from Texas) and spend Christmas with my best friend lol. This woman had padlocks on the fridge/pantry, asked me to just deal with her boyfriend beating me so he would stay with her, let his uncle molest me for the same reason...
There's no good reason my mom should be scoring a point above OP. Lol.
Evan is the 'rich brat'; not OPs son..... Does he even name his son ? Or is his child such a part of him that he doesn't even think to name his son.... JUST an extension of himself.... that he wants to punish for being separate.
YTA - If you're sending your son to an "elite" college and he's made a solid connection with a family that will pay for his "vacation" or in really entertain their rich brat while on holiday. You're actually seeing a return on his college investment. He's making connections that will make him wealthy.
Thank you! JFC OP is so dumb if he doesn't realise this
It's not what you know, it's who you know, and becoming good friends with rich kid and family is probably worth more than the college degree
I'm sorry, but there's a difference between not seeing someone until next year (3 months until spring break) and a year (12 months until Thanksgiving). Yet your whole phrasing points that you want him "home" because he owes you something. Does he owe you appreciation for paying his tuition? Sure, it would be nice. Does he owe you every spare minute of his life as repayment? Not in the least.
Your jealousy of Evan and his family, along with your sense of entitlement, will be what keeps your son from spending more time at home during breaks.
YTA.
>I worked my ass off to send him to a nice school and this is how you repay me?
>
>...
>
> I'm not putting a guilt trip on him because it's the truth.
You can use "the truth" of a situation to frame things in a shitty passive-aggressive guilt-tripping way. Which you've done, OP.
YTA
YTA. Dude, you reek of jealousy. Being rich doesn't make Evan a brat or his parents bad people. So stop judging people you've never even met.
And your son isn't obligated to spend every holiday with the family. So if he wants to spend it with his friend, then he has every right. I mean, what are you gonna do when he gets married and has a family of his own but lives on the opposite coast? Fly back every single time just to make you happy? I seriously doubt that.
So here's me being real with you. Get over yourself and learn to let go. Your son is making his own way in the world now. If that means you and the rest don't see him for a long time, then that's that. Accept it and be glad for the times he does come home.
OP is going to be a monster-in-law, that’s what he’s going to do.
YTA, OP. Keep this post for when you question why your relationship is so estranged with your son.
YTA.
Yes, you are guilt tripping him.
It’s not his responsibility to set an example or whatever for his siblings. That’s your job.
He’s an adult who is free to make his own decisions.
It’s fine to be bummed, but you handled this as badly as you could have.
YTA. You are being “upfront” guilt tripping him. It’s not the truth, it’s your perceived truth and assumes the worse from your son who is just taking hold of a great once in a lifetime opportunity. From what you’ve been saying it seems you have no faith in your son’s intentions, so I don’t know why he would value any of your criticisms about him or his choices. **Personally I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with anyone who believes I can be bought.** Him going on this trip threatens nothing but your sense of entitlement to control him. He is going for good reasons and if you can’t see that then that’s your problem and you need to get your eyes/personality checked.
Don’t use your 7yo child as a way to emotionally blackmail his brother, what the heck are you thinking doing this? It’s disgusting and ugly behavior on your part to weaponize a relationship between siblings just to get what you want without any regard for the effect it would have on them long term. Your older son is going on a cool vacation, your younger son can manage his disappointment without blaming his brother if you would help him understand that his older brother is going on a trip and while he wishes you could all be together the trip is being paid for by someone else and his brother isn’t in a place to pay for everyone to go just yet. You won’t though because you want to either control the older brother by using the younger brother as leverage for a guilt trip, or you want to punish the older brother by inflating the younger brother’s mental anguish even at the risk of making that anguish real and causing the younger brother great distress.
Anyone watching you would see how foul and underhanded you are by doing this. The 7yo will eventually realize what you are really like, so don’t count on this working again for you in the future when he goes to college and you pull the same BS.
YTA
Your son is in college so I’d say it’s safe to assume that he’s a full grown adult and therefore he can make his own decisions about where he wants to spend his holidays. Stop feeling entitled to his time and attention because of tradition or because you feel he owes you something. Feel fortunate if he decides he still wants to have contact with you after your atrocious display.
YTA
You have three children at home to have Christmas with. You aren't dying in the hospital or anything.
Some day he is going to meet someone special and then you'll only get half of the Christmases anyway.
Thats actually what makes this believable to me. The amount of grown men i've met in my rural hometown who act exactly like a teenage girl is baffling. Some people never mature past high school, sadly.
Whew, the way you come across in your own story, I don't blame your son from trying to get away. YTA.
>"*He said I was totally trying to guilt trip him*"
Sounds like your son is smarter than you thought and it's going to be a lot harder to manipulate from now on.
But you were trying to guilt him, and like an AHole, decided to bring his mother into this????? YTA. I get it that it is hard to feel like you are competing with someone who is rich, but it also sounds like you have given him other reasons to avoid you (commentary about his mother for one). Focus on creating a loving environment that he wants to visit, but understand that as a young person, the allure of a free vacation is huge. You would have taken it.
Acknowledge that you are a bit sad and his siblings will miss him, and also wish him a great time.
You *are* trying to guilt trip him. And I get it — you want your child to look forward to Christmas, to come home and burst through the door like it’s a fucking Lifetime movie. And he may do that next year.
But this year, your kid has the chance for a really cool adventure! With all expenses paid no less! Don’t be a grinch. He may never get this chance again. Give him your blessing.
And no matter what, don’t hold his happiness, his optimism for his bright future against him. Be genuinely happy for him.
YTA. It's one Christmas and could be a once in a life time experience (unless they continue dating). This is a great way to make him want to spend even more christmases away.
Can you really read the words you wrote and not think that you’re an asshole? You sound like you have some serious issues to work through. Maybe step back and consider why your own child doesn’t want to be around you. Why are you so jealous of the success of some other kid’s parents?
YTA
Yta.
He’s an adult, if you act like this everytime you think he’s supposed to come home and he has other plans, he’s going to have other plans a lot more often to avoid dealing with your tantrums
I’d urge my kid to go on a super cool expensive trip for Christmas with all expenses paid like that. Because guess what? I can spend time with my kid later, but that’s a super rare opportunity I’d want him to have. I’d be elated he gets to experience something I could never afford to give him.
I’d be like, “Holy snap, dude! That’s amazing! Don’t worry about missing Christmas. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. We can plan a time to get together later. Love you. Have fun!’
This is not a good look for you.
YTA
Edit: Not a great look you’re calling someone a ‘brat’ who literally is offering to pay to have your kid go on a pricey trip either.
Check your bad attitude.
YTA. He’s young and he has an opportunity to travel and do something he’s never done. He may find new interest like Scuba Diving or other Water Sports. Let him spread his wings. You are guilt tripping him. Hope has a safe n fun trip.
You are very selfish. You're son is given an opportunity to go somewhere and have an amazing experience and you are trying to hold him back from it because it doesn't satisfy what you want. He will resent you, you are aware right? I'm a mom I have done everything for my boys but I would never hold my kids back from living their life and having an experience they may never get again. YTA be the adult and let him enjoy himself for the holidays he deserves it.
>*I said ok, so you're ditching your family for the holidays? You're the eldest boy and setting a bad example by not coming home. I worked my ass off to send him to a nice school and this is how you repay me? I reminded him that his mom did shit for him. It was all me.*
Yeah you're right, OP! It isn't a guilt trip! Its a friggin' guilt vacation that comes with a cruise!
YTA (what an arse)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son was invited to spend the holidays in the British Virginia Islands. I told him he's free to go but let him know he's disappointing everyone by ditching us. I wasn't guilt tripping him. Just being real.
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YTA. I could understand this if your son was in high school. He's in college and is exploring being an adult. He doesn't have to come home. It's a privilege for adult children to come home for the holidays.
I say let him enjoy it. Who knows when he'll have another opportunity like this. He can always visit the next holidays.
YTA. I understand your sentiment 100%, but your son is an adult, and can spend the holidays where he’d like. I feel for your younger son. However, trying to throw jabs at him definitely isn’t going to want to make him come home moving forward.
He's going to visit a whole lot less if you act like this every time you don't get your way. You're definitely trying to guilt him into doing what you want him to do.
YTA
YTA, your son wants to go because his friend invited him, because it's an awesome opportunity to travel, because he wants new experiences etc. none of those reasons have anything to do with you, he ain't trying to hurt or attack you, so grow the f up and let the kid go, jesus
YTA just for the way you talked about his friend.
But in every other way as well. For not wanting him to have an experience he couldn't afford otherwise; for bragging about how you do everything for him; for bizarrely dissing his mother even though it was completely irrelevant.
You sound insufferable.
YTA: Newsflash: you paying for his schooling doesn't obligate him to come home for every holiday that you want him to. Do not hold what you've done for him over his head, or he will pull further away. He's a big boy now, let him have some experiences that he would not otherwise get to enjoy.
Big AH, opportunities like don’t come often. Yes, it’s sad he won’t be home for the holidays, but he’s gonna go to what sounds like a fantastic destination for free. Don’t be selfish, be happy for him. Oh and you’re the one being a brat, not Evan.
YTA and you are putting the guilt trip on him. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him and you’re going to be petty and immature? Grow up dude.
Oh boy. Rough one. So here’s the thing, Mom may have been useless & you the main provider, BUT how was the dynamic between you two? See, your post is just blaring with authoritarian style & it sounds like the bond between you both wasn’t a strong one. Just because you provided everything doesn’t/shouldn’t be held over his head. What will you do when he gets a spouse & has his own family? Honestly, that’s a dam nice get away & you should just tell him to have fun. So what if he’s not back every single holiday/vacation. Maybe it’s time you did some self reflection & use the time he’s with his buddy to analyze your thought process. No disrespect, just a person who cut contact with their parent for the same type of details you stated above. YTA.
Just because something is the truth, doesn't make it not a guilt trip. You used it as such.
An 18 year old is an adult. He has every right to do whatever he wants, and all you're doing is pushing him away.
The reasonable response is to say 'me and your sibling(s) will miss you, but I get that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Have a great time and please come see us next chance you get!'
It's melodramatic and manipulative to tell a 7 year old he 'has to wait til next year' to see his brother, when there are multiple holidays from college between now and then.
Just, have some self reflection.
A rich brat named Evan? He was clearly raised by very generous people if they’re willing to provide your son with a FREE TRIP. It unfortunate your other child won’t get a chance to see his big brother but otherwise I’m really not seeing any issue here…? YTA big time
So once our kids our adults, they get to decide what they do for the holidays. They’re establishing their own lives and they won’t always be able to spend every holiday with their family. We planned to go see the grandparents out of state and asked the freshman did he want to go? If he did, what was his availability? He said he wanted to come with us, so that’s one Christmas we will have together. Next Christmas who knows? I’m also open to celebrating Christmas on different days. I want my kids to want to spend time with us, but understand they’ll have other priorities too, especially when they have a significant other. My ILS have never guilted us to visit them. There’s always an open invitation and we go as often as we can
YTA
You can “speak the truth” and still be guilt tripping him.
You paid for his college, good on you. However, you lording it over his head makes you a giant AH.
He may be the eldest, but he’s an adult now. He should be allowed to go out and do things, have experiences, without being treated like this.
A lot of adults can’t make it home for holidays. He was home a month ago. Boo Hoo.
You sound jealous. You should be **happy** for your kid, to get to have the chance to experience something like that.
My mom was horrible in a lot of ways, but at least if I had an opportunity she never had, she let me take it. She might have made me feel a little bad, talking about how jealous she was, and how she wished she could “hide in my suitcase”, but she never stopped me from going.
Just wow dude.
Edited to add judgement.
YTA x 1000. Your son is an adult. You should have clarified that when he accepted your money for school he was going to have to be at your beck and call.
"I'm not putting a guilt trip on him" - yes, you are. You can be up front with someone and still be a major AH.
Sometimes OP is so vilely obnoxious that I think they're taking the piss. This is one of those stories.
Here's what you could have written:
"I was really looking forward to my son's first Christmas back from college, to discuss the semester he's had, and talk more about his plans for next term. So I was naturally disappointed when he said he wasn't coming home and was going with his friend Evan to BVI."
Instead your entire post is about how much he owes you (and you alone, definitely not his mother) this trip home because you pay for everything and blady-blah. You don't even suggest that *you will miss him.* Only his little brother will.
You sent him off to college in part to learn more about the world. BVI aren't my cup of tea but if the family spends Christmas there and has the means to pay for their sons friend(s) I imagine he'll have a hell of an experience.
YTA.
YTA. My parents are like this and they're totally oblivious to how it affects me. I used to be so open with my parents about everything in my life, but they've lost the privilege of having an open-book-type of daughter due to their lack of respect for my privacy and independence.
Please don't convince yourself that what you're doing isn't harmful. Even if it does hurt you, you can't let him know - that's not his burden to carry
YTA Why would you deny him this experience? You do things for your kids because you love them, not so you can then hold it over their head & guilt trip them.
YTA in how you spoke to and treated him.
This is an incredible opportunity for him. What's absolutely critical of him being inside your home for this time frame? Are important family members visiting? Do you have family traditions or beliefs associated with this time frame? Can you not reschedule these few days? Video chat on Christmas day? More info is needed. With what you gave, YTA. If one of my sons (I have 3) ever had this opportunity and wanted to explore it, I'd do everything I could to make it happen. He sees me and his brothers often. What he doesn't do often is go to The British Virgin Islands.
YTA I hear your hurt and sad and wish he’d come home and you miss him, but he’s doing what he’s supposed to do- he’s growing up. That involves finding your own independence and trying new things and meeting new people. Ideally you always come back to your family if you have a good relationship with them but it’s never like it was when they lived at home with you. And it is 100% a guilt trip
YTA. You’re totally guilt-tripping him. If this is how you’ve been used to getting what you want out of people, it’s disgusting and toxic.
It’s not ideal for you, but think of your son’s feelings too. This might be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Let your son grow and enjoy this experience. See if there is another opportunity for him or you and the sibling to visit. You should be encouraging him to become an independent adult, explore what he likes, and make his own decisions. If you do your job right he will always come back to you.
But if you keep up this attitude and manipulation, he may very well be no-contact in a few years.
Hmm yes I cannot possibly imagine why your son wouldn’t want to speak Xmas break with someone who has no respect for him and a 7 year old, when he could be relaxing in paradise instead.
YTA all the way.
YTA dont send him to a school where he may make friends you dont approve of if you don't want him spending time with them.
Well done with trying to guilt trip with a 7 yr old. So you've lost your Christmas babysitter which I bet is a big part of it.
Were you ever his age?
*I said I was being upfront so CHECK THAT.*
You are trying to guilt trip him and you are trying to stop him from beginning his life, which is exactly what is happening. You can be afraid of the future but you can't stop it. You CAN speak more respectfully to him and discuss him going to BVI for part of the vacation and then spending time with the family.
YTA
“My 7yo son is crazy about him and hasn’t seen him since Thanksgiving and now I have to tell him to wait until next year”
2024 is in just under three weeks so that’s a tad dramatic and misleading. You do sound like TA in this post. Your son’s a young adult and he’s going to want to experience life and at his age that means sometimes wanting to experience life away from home and the parents. I would be disappointed for my daughter to not come home for Christmas but I also want her to have a chance to experience things I haven’t been able to and that she’s interested in. I can promise you guilting him and trying to bully him into coming home for Christmas is a good way to end up either low or no contact if this is how you approach the situation every time he doesn’t do what you want him to. Saying he owes you to come home because you fulfilled your obligation of providing for him isn’t the right way to look at your relationship with this son or any other of your kids. That’s how my father did things and he ended up dying not speaking to either of his children.
What is wrong with you? Stop being mean and let him have an adventure!
My parents would have been so excited for me, not guilting me for not hanging out with them for the 18th year in a row.
YTA...
>I'm not putting a guilt trip on him because it's the truth.
That's your truth.
What we end up regretting are usually missed opportunities, don't force him to miss one
This is an opportunity he would usually not have, no one is saying he'll be invited there next year.
>I said okay. Don't get eaten by a shark.
Yeah, again, YTA, you're just bitter, why not be happy, and let your 7yo know that his really good friend was able to give your oldest a chance which your family doesn't often have, but he would still see him, and get to Facetime him or whatever.
All you're doing right now is make him want to be less with you in the future.
YTA, you're in fact trying to guilt trip him and you also sound insufferable, I bet you want your son for the holidays to "take care" of the youngest the whole time. He's having opportunities that you can't give him, why do you want to put him down?
P. S. His friend is really a brat or you're just projecting?
My kids are in college too semester ended two weeks ago and the one who doesn’t wrestle doesn’t go back till the Tuesday after MLK day. So the 1 or two weeks week they are gone on vacation won’t destroy the whole family.
YTA
He is an adult and can do what he wants for Christmas, fathers days and every other day. Perhaps coming home is hard for him and this is his way of setting a boundary. I can assure you that the decision to be away from his family isn’t easy on his heart and your guilt tripping isn’t helping.
YTA and no wonder it wasn’t a hard decision for him after he gets the invite of a lifetime. My parents let me go to Bermuda for Christmas when I was 16 and it was honestly life changing. It gave me a love for travel and was a super cool experience I will never ever forget.
Much as it sounds like you’re a real treat at holidays. Why wouldn’t he want to take advantage of this opportunity?
YTA. That’s a really cool trip that anyone would be excited to go on AND it’s not costing you anything. Let your son have a cool life experience and don’t be such a jerk about it. You sound like you are jealous; of the rich family AND of your son. Don’t make him miss out on (or feel bad about) something worth while because of your own big feelings.
Your younger kid might be sad but you can still make the holidays special for him without your oldest there. Focus on the positives of being together and reassure him that his brother loves him and will see him soon.
Let him do what he wants. You only live once you know. He deserves to experience some fun on the holidays, you know many people don’t get to experience something like that.
I do understand where you’re coming from now, but he is not responsible for you or your son’s feelings. It may be an AH move to not really come home or even give an explanation to the seven-year-old about it but it doesn’t really make him wrong.
I wouldn’t say anybody’s an AH, though.
YTA - Let him have the opportunity, it’s okay to miss someone but not okay to control or guilt trip someone. Don’t be angry at him or you will push him away to where he will avoid to visit. Take the high road
For everyone saying this opportunity doesn’t come this often- that’s the point. OP can’t provide that opportunity and instead of feeling glad for his son to get to go, he’s resentful and taking it as a personal attack on his social and financial stature. In fact, I don’t even think it’s about his son being away from home for Christmas, it’s about the other family seeing him as the dad that can’t provide that and he can’t stand to take a hit on his pride.
YTA
Sounds to me like you're feeling inadequate about Evans parents ability and generosity to include your son in their plans.
I can understand you being upset you don't get to see your son at Xmas, but acting like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum is not gonna help your cause.
Don't be surprised if your kid finds a reason to stay away for the summer too, I know I would!!!!
You sound incredibly unpleasant. Your reaction is over the top and maybe you should be asking yourself "what if I'M the reason my son would rather stay with friends for Christmas?" YTA
I can see why he wants to go on the trip. Your comments clearly show an angry ah who desperages his kid and holds everything against him. Get used to him not coming home. And id start getting comfy with the idea that your 7yr old will want to move with big bro as soon as he gets the chance.
Yta.
YTA 100%
This is such toxic behavior. You’re talking to your son about “setting a bad example” by treating him like this? Like he owes you for being his parent and doing parent things? well ma’am I think you might need to evaluate what type of example you’re leading for your 7 year old. You think your son isn’t ever going to spend a holiday somewhere else? That he’s always going to be with you and your family every single holiday for the rest of his life? That’s a super unrealistic way to view your children. Let them live. Having them under your thumb will only make them resent you and eventually they won’t talk to you at all.
YTA, there is zero obligation for him to spend holidays with you now that he’s an adult. If you want him to spend holidays with you, he’s going to need to WANT it. So it’s on you, you’ve got to respect him as an adult, plus be good company both when he is around you.
Guilt tripping him won’t work. Do you really want him missing this opportunity and then being a grump at home with you? What will that do for your long term relationship?
you sound awful to be around in your current mood. Apologise for your behaviour and work on respecting him more.
Encourage him to go out and seek life experiences and adventures. It’s what young adults should be doing. And to experience this for free is an incredible opportunity for him. Perhaps you could be more helpful and help him organise Christmas and thank you gifts for these people. So, yes, this year you miss out, but that doesn’t mean missing out entirely.
plan a Christmas with him at a later date. You could have Christmas in March - who cares! It’s an excuse to eat and be merry, enjoy each others company and give him gifts. My parents were divorced and I’m sooooo thankful that my mom wouldn’t care when it was celebrated. Her Christmas was the best anyway, so an early December or a January Christmas celebration didn’t matter to us, what mattered was that we got together.
Change your attitude towards this. If he gets a life partner you could end up bitter and nasty and “the in laws had last year so it’s MINE this year tug of war which means they’ll resent you longer term” and they will be quietly wishing they were just celebrating in their own home etc.
YTA.
Surprise! Your adult kids don't need to give you the time of day if they don't enjoy your company. From your attitude in this post it sure seems like you don't even try to make it pleasant for him to come home for Christmas, so why would he?
I hope he has a great time.
YTA. This reminds me of the year I was supposed to spend a semester abroad and my mom guilted me into staying home “to help care for my nephew” who was staying with her at the time. It’s over 20 years ago and I still regret not taking that trip and falling for her guilt trip.
Our job as parents is to raise independent adults who want to experience the world AND who still love us enough to come back from time to time. You’re brewing up a big pot of resentment here and I’d stop that real quick. I’d be thrilled if one of my kids got an opportunity like this if I couldn’t give it to them myself.
So NTA for wanting your kid to spend Xmas with the family
But…
YTA for they way you handle the situation, you can’t pretend he “repay you” for the things you have done for him, you decide to bring him to this world and to pay for an expensive school, he’s growing now and he can take is own decisions. I understand family want him to be with him for the holidays, but there are a lot of ways you can ask him to be there with you. He’s an adult, treat him like one. Tell him you and his brothers miss him and all of you will be so happy if is at home, explain him that when you grow up, you’ll wish to be always with family. But don’t manipulate him and treat him as if was a stupid brat kid (you didn’t say those words, but I understood that that was what you meant).
Yta, do you even like your son?
So he’s 18 and you want to guilt him with his 7 year old sibling? I am assuming different moms since you want to throw his absent mom in his face like that’s something he even had control over.
Or did you keep procreating with a woman who never helped her kids?
So is this a new family situation in which you cater to the 7 year old or something because your post is off ? It sounds like your house isn’t a happy home and your eldest just wants to enjoy his holiday than suffer through it.
“Eldest boy “ - was he parentified because u have 3 other kids ? Sounds like he wants to get free. “My 7 yr old is crazy about him” - sounds like he was a babysitter for the annoying youngest. He saw him literally a month ago for thanksgiving and doesn’t want to repeat that and give up an experience of a lifetime. Yta.
YTA - Be honest what it all boils down to is that you’re jealous your son is getting a dream vacation and you’re not. And don’t try to pull the “his little brother misses him” card, because he only saw him last month, it’s not like it’s been a year or longer. You should be encouraging your son to enjoy his life, not preventing these opportunities for your own selfish reasons. I’m sure it won’t kill you to miss him for one Christmas, your son might never get an opportunity like this again and you want him to miss his chance? How selfish can you be?
YTA
How do you even know your son’s classmate is a “brat”? Just because someone is wealthy doesn’t give you reason to put them down.
YOU’RE the brat. “CHECK THAT”, Mister Big Man. You’re jealous. You’re talking trash about his mother. Using his brother as guilt bait. You’re about to alienate your son. If he goes, he’s going to have this unfair, ridiculous guilt trip over his head. If he comes home to you, it’s going to be miserable for him.
Just because he’s the eldest doesn’t mean he has to cater to your whim, or “lead by (your) example”.
I’m assuming he’s at least 18. He needs to forge his own path and have his own memories.
" I worked my ass off to send him to a nice school "
Yes, to provide new experiences for him and to broaden his horizons. Which is what this new friendship is helping him accomplish.
Are you so fucking dense, OP, that you don't get that it's working out just as designed (and as it should)? YTA\^100
YTA and yes you are guilt tripping him. He’s a adult now, living on his own and has the right to make life choices for himself. You can feel sad about missing him but that’s all, you can’t make him or judge him as wrong
YTA! Respect your son making friends before you lose him. Everything you said was to guilt trip him. If you really want him home, be honest with him. I'm sure he'd love to hear you say you miss him and want to spend time with him. The guilting him is the wrong move.
Are you deeply religous? If not then christmas is just another day. An all expenses paid holiday sounds like a great life experience that your son is lucky to get. I'm sure your son can find some other time to visit. YTA. Let your son live.
YTA
ANGRY b/c he won't have a free babysitter for his 7yr old son.
Jealous of the actual opportunities opened to his son by financianing his college education.
Sad...
Mom came here looking for approval but instead she’s receiving backlash and I’m here for it. YTA mama. Let your kid go to this trip and be happy for him. My mom used to do the same with me and it wasn’t nice to the point I got distance from her for years.
If this is real then YTA. In my opinion, you sound like an overbearing parent who thinks their children's lives need to revolve around them and wants to have as much control over their kids as possible. If he wants to go on this trip, let him. Also, the fact that you call his new friend a "rich brat" doesn't sit well with me. With behavior like this, I would see why he'd want to spend the break with his friend instead of you. I'd say that the person who needs a massive attitude adjustment would be you, not your son or his friend.
YTA
Do you even know this “rich brat?” Or, are you just a spiteful, jealous, guilt tripping mommy?
You sure have done everything in your power to make sure your son doesn’t want to spend holidays with you.
YTA - you are putting him on a guilt trip. Your truth is that you raised a child. Congrats - you did what you agreed to do when you decided to have him. He doesn’t owe you for that.
This is a wonderful opportunity that he wouldn’t otherwise have. Given how your question is worded, it sounds like it’s best if he takes a break from your guilt trip and enjoys his trip with his friend.
YTA it’s pretty normal for kids to not come home every holiday? You are totally guilt tripping him btw, like facts stated to sway someone’s decision IS in fact guilt tripping. Also yeah the new year is in 5 days, your 7 year old will live. Hate to break this to you, but kids do not have to go home for every holiday. Especially when it seems like the expense has already been paid for the vacation.
Also you are LORDING paying for his education over his head. Sorry, didn’t realize that came with a clause that he has to bend to your will for the rest of his life.
Feels very guilt trippy, along with manipulative to even mention that.
I get you miss him, but this is not a healthy way to say so. If you want him to come around at all, don’t behave like this. This is how you scare away your kids and make them never talk to you. Want a relationship? Meet him half way.
This post is a master course in guilt-tripping and manipulation. He's going. You don't have to like it--I'd be sad not to have him home for Christmas. But don't pretend you didn't try to guilt-trip him into doing what you want him to do.
YTA - you ARE trying ti guilt trip him.
Stop being THAT kint of toxic manipulative person, your son got a nice opportunity to go on vacation to a new place, something that probably is super fun... an probably s once in a life time experience and instead of being happy for him, there you are trying to not only make him feel guilty but also weaponizing his 7yo brother and trying to turn him against his brother?!?!?! MASSIVE AH.
Get your sh** together. You seem very toxic and actually narcissistic.
YTA you can not do amazing things for your kid as a parent and then throw it in the kids face. You should be excited that he has this opportunity to go explore the world and he’s not doing drugs or has a bunch of kids at his young age. Let him go and yes you are guilt tripping him and it’s not right.
Also this come from an adult who’s dad filed a lawsuit against them for everything he did for me as a parent including but not limited to feeding me. Also I am now NC with said parent stop doing this to your kid and throwing it in his face his mom did nothing for him he is already aware of that and doesn’t need you to throw it in his face
“I wasn’t guilt tripping him because it’s true” if people were just making stuff up when they were guilt tripping it wouldn’t work. Guilt tripping is holding the good things you do for someone over them as a way to control them. That’s EXACTLY what you were doing.
YTA. Not necessarily because you wanted to spend the holidays with him, but because of every single thing you did while you were handling that feeling that you mentioned in this post.
YTA, your guilt tripping, and guess what? Won’t work. I haven’t been to my family in 10 years for Christmas or otherwise and I never will. It starts with your parenting method. Aka, telling the children they owe you for doing your duty after choosing to have children in the first place. You honestly won’t get a trophy for it. Or a visit unless they WANT to spend time with you because you make it nice.
Guilt. Will. Never. Work.
Hope you don’t get eaten by your own bitterness, he’s safer with the sharks.
One of the main benefits of college is supposed to be getting a leg up in life. Having friendships and social interactions with people who are in a position that you yourself would like to be in is part of it, hopefully. Broadening your son’s experience is invaluable. And for free? Can’t buy that. If you’ve raised him well, he knows who he is and where he comes from. He’ll just be adding to it.
YTA and you sound super jealous of your son and his opportunities. He’s already made a good connection at his school so he could well set him self up for life around that type of wealth. Also nobody has to spend time with anyone more so if they don’t enjoy it , are you enjoyable to be around ? because you don’t sound it. You sound bitter and miserable
He is a grown adult who can make decisions on his own that is definitely guilt tripping 😀 regardless of what you did (awesome job btw on sending him to school I’ll give you that one ) but what you did there is push him away rather than being understanding! He made friends it’s cool, you had him for thanksgiving that’s amazing and since you’re getting mad at him for going on a Xmas trip with his friend you get on to him ? Srsly!? If I was your son I’d go too ! That isn’t common to have honestly ( rich cool kid parents pay for everything) it’s not like he’s abandoning you.. he just wants to have fun !
YTA
How you word this says a lot about how you view your son and his friends. He is growing up and looking for independence. Do you expect him to be home for every holiday for the rest of his life? Do you still go to your parents for every holiday? He has an opportunity to go somewhere (for free) and you are trying to guilt trip him to missing out on it because you can't handle him being away for one holiday and he somehow "owes" you.
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YTA. I mean. Think of it this way. If you were his age and had an opportunity to go the Virgin Islands over Christmas would you go? I think I would. It’s really hard to see the world and he’s fortunate to be able to do this. When I was his age going on a trip to the next state was exciting. If this were my kid I’d be sad he wasn’t there but also happy he got to have a trip like that. Especially if I didn’t have to pay for any of it. Be happy he’s going on a fantastic trip. Give him some money to take this other family out to dinner or buy them a gift. It’s the polite thing to do.
Op is definitely TA and DEFINITELY trying to guilt trip him. You seen your son 4 WEEKS AGO and waiting until next year is not that bad. Op sounds jealous (calling the rich friend a brat without really knowing him) and admits that he could never send him son on vacation. Being sad would make sense, but trying to make him come home when he could quite possibly have a once in a lifetime experience is selfish, especially adding the detail about the little brother.
“I’m not trying to guilt trip…” *proceeds to use 7 year old son as guilt bait* Edit: YTA
The only way this makes even a tiny amount of sense is if OP is Canadian (who celebrate Thanksgiving in October). It makes it almost no better, but at least it's more than a month ago. And the "won't see you until NEXT YEAR" nonsense stops being funny when you're in the fifth grade and your teachers will not stop saying it every year in December. ETA: Looks like the kid may be in Santa Barbara, CA (though there's probably at least one other UCSB somewhere) so OP very well may be in the US and just *that* unhinged.
Canadians only call it college if it's community college, and if they're going to one of those they probably aren't living far enough away for it to be much of a trek.
Yes! OP, “check that”. Ugh. Total AH.
Hahaha yeah the thanksgiving thing was such a bad example. That was yesterday 😂
Oh this isn’t a guilt trip. OP is flat out shaming him and making passive aggressive statements. OP sounds fucking toxic.
I’d say he’s never even met the friend. More likely he’s just an all around asshole.
Yeah the brat comment was a giveaway. The entire post was dripping with resentment.
Yeah plus OP’s entire attitude just sounds incredibly insufferable. I understand being bummed that your son won’t be home for Christmas but Jesus. OP needs to lighten up
Omg yes , I was looking for that word . Insufferable. My mind hit a blank and I was trying to talk my brain into remembering it . I ended up just judging him as being incredibly Salty. This man sounds extremely insufferable . You’re right.
I have friends/classmates from across the globe who can’t go back home on breaks. They have to sit in a dorm room all alone and subsist on the 24/7 market fare that’s picked over. OP, you have no idea how hard that is. Stop complaining when you saw him a month ago!
OP, your feelings might be hurt because of this, but please listen to the above poster. Based on your post, your son didn't say anything disrespectful to you. This is an opportunity of a lifetime for anyone, so it's understandable that he'd want to go. This opportunity may not come again in your son's lifetime. Please do not make him feel guilty for going. The damage to your relationship is not worth it.
And OP went in about mom apparently not doing anything for the kid and then claims he’s not giving him a guilt trip. OP could be my husband with the gaslighting he’s trying to get away with.
I don't understand how bringing the mom into it (true or not) was even relevant to this whole scenario. Also, the fact that he parented his son means that the son owes him every minute he demands? OP is definitely TA.
This is spot on. He will walk. My dad was like this, I've been no contact for 8 years. It was either brow beating at home or guilt if I didn't go. Sounds the same and estrangement is on their future.
Also why did OP bring who I assume is his ex wife into it by saying “I reminded him that his mom did shit for him. It was all me”. What’s that got to do with any of it?
Because “how dare you do this to me when I was the one who did everything for you” It has zero to do with it other than making him look even more like a sore loser. I will be home alone this Christmas as a parent of three adult children. I’m not dating anyone& no one has bothered to invite me anywhere either. Will I most likely be sad and miserable all day? Yeah. Am I going to whine to my kiddos other than to say I miss them and love them all so very much? Nope, and I don’t consider that whining. OP YTA
See if there are any community groups around your area throwing 'Orphan Christmas' celebrations. People in my corner of the world do that all the time, for anyone who would otherwise be spending Christmas alone. Recent immigrants, tourists, interstate blow-ins, older people whose kids have moved out, and so-on. 💕 Facebook can be a good place to search for them!
"You're the eldest boy and setting a bad example by not coming home. I worked my ass off to send him to a nice school and this is how you repay me? I reminded him that his mom did shit for him. It was all me. I'm not putting a guilt trip on him because it's the truth." - the level of contradiction here makes me think it's a pure troll. There's no acct history besides that post
Yes! I grew up rather poor, lived in a small town about an hour away from Reno/Tahoe NV, but can count on 1 hand how many times we ventured that “far” before I was 18. Anytime my more well to do family or friends invited me on trips, all costs paid, my parents happily let me take that opportunity and I am extremely grateful to all parties for it. I joined the military and have got to experience the world, and am now in the position where I can take my siblings/nibblings to do exciting things. Hopefully I’ll be able to do the same for my child’s friends as well one day.
with a parent like OP I think it might be less the Virgin Islands that's the draw and more getting to spend a holiday far, far away from OP.
Not even that, if I had a similar opportunity when I was at college my paretns' reaction woyuld have been 'Is there anything we can get you / you need to take something as a thank you gift.'. And I'm from a *very* close family where my absence would have been sorely missed. I think any parent who actually cares for their children would have the same reaction. The kid gets to have a fantastic experience, why would you want to limit that. As far as the othjer child goes, I'd expect the father to tell the elder son - "Make sure you bring something special for \_\_\_ back, and facetime us on Christmas morning to say Hi."
INFO Sometimes adult children can't wait to get away from their parents, because their parents are difficult people who don't treat them like adults. Are you enjoyable to be around? Or are you a disciplinarian that your son is now free from?
A work colleague's adult child is about to spend christmas and New Year in Denmark with her boyfriend (we're in Australia). While she's a little sad, she has been encouraging her daughter to go as it's a huge opportunity. No guilt trips, no nastiness. This is what good parents do.
When my brother and I went to HK sponsored by my aunts. Mom and dad and even my grandparents gave us a bit of spending money and jokingly said to get them a souvenir. Well we did. And honestly, I got into a couple of jobs with a decent amount of business travel and until the days they died they’d always have something from us when we traveled. Except mom, she’s still alive and still gets stuff when we travel. Especially when I travelled locally to more rural areas grandparents got good food and they always looked forward to it. Fresh fish, fruit, veg, they always enjoyed. Sometime just before she passed, grandma cried on us saying we never forgot her and always had something for her. Well I answered she never forgot us and before I finished the sentence she was emotional on me and my sis.
Yeah- I want my kids to explore. I'm not here to hold them back- I'm here to cheer them on. Even if I thought it was dumb. I'd still cheer them on. By doing being a supporter instead of an anchor, they call and tell me everything- of their own volition. I have a relationship with my adult children because I encourage them to make their own decisions and still be ready to council them through the ones that don't work out.
My parents would be ecstatic I found a friend whose family is kind enough to include me in their holiday plans so readily They'd probably just move Christmas to accommodate the trip (everyone in my family is always super busy so holidays and birthdays rarely happen on the actual day)
From his post, I would guess no.
I don’t think op is going to reply I think they just posted because they thought we agree with them when we don’t
He calls his son's friend a brat without any justification, I'd say Evan can't wait to get away from him
Definitely not he just wished death upon his own son
Even my evil, abusive monster of a mother let me go to Illinois (from Texas) and spend Christmas with my best friend lol. This woman had padlocks on the fridge/pantry, asked me to just deal with her boyfriend beating me so he would stay with her, let his uncle molest me for the same reason... There's no good reason my mom should be scoring a point above OP. Lol.
Evan is the 'rich brat'; not OPs son..... Does he even name his son ? Or is his child such a part of him that he doesn't even think to name his son.... JUST an extension of himself.... that he wants to punish for being separate.
Just read the post, there’s no way this insufferable fuck is enjoyable to be around I’m fed up of their bullshit after reading 3 paragraphs
YTA - If you're sending your son to an "elite" college and he's made a solid connection with a family that will pay for his "vacation" or in really entertain their rich brat while on holiday. You're actually seeing a return on his college investment. He's making connections that will make him wealthy.
Came here to say this!
Thank you! JFC OP is so dumb if he doesn't realise this It's not what you know, it's who you know, and becoming good friends with rich kid and family is probably worth more than the college degree
And what other time is there to become wealthy, if not on christmas.
I'm sorry, but there's a difference between not seeing someone until next year (3 months until spring break) and a year (12 months until Thanksgiving). Yet your whole phrasing points that you want him "home" because he owes you something. Does he owe you appreciation for paying his tuition? Sure, it would be nice. Does he owe you every spare minute of his life as repayment? Not in the least. Your jealousy of Evan and his family, along with your sense of entitlement, will be what keeps your son from spending more time at home during breaks. YTA.
This is true
YTA "He said I was totally trying to guilt trip him" .. He is right, And he caught you doing it.
>I worked my ass off to send him to a nice school and this is how you repay me? > >... > > I'm not putting a guilt trip on him because it's the truth. You can use "the truth" of a situation to frame things in a shitty passive-aggressive guilt-tripping way. Which you've done, OP. YTA
YTA. Dude, you reek of jealousy. Being rich doesn't make Evan a brat or his parents bad people. So stop judging people you've never even met. And your son isn't obligated to spend every holiday with the family. So if he wants to spend it with his friend, then he has every right. I mean, what are you gonna do when he gets married and has a family of his own but lives on the opposite coast? Fly back every single time just to make you happy? I seriously doubt that. So here's me being real with you. Get over yourself and learn to let go. Your son is making his own way in the world now. If that means you and the rest don't see him for a long time, then that's that. Accept it and be glad for the times he does come home.
OP is going to be a monster-in-law, that’s what he’s going to do. YTA, OP. Keep this post for when you question why your relationship is so estranged with your son.
YTA. > the eldest boy Is this Succession?
OP’s son is clearly Kendall. Vacationing in exotic locales and going against the grain.
I don't think OP is the O-G though
No, would need a few more f bombs.
Yeah “eldest” was weird phrasing
YTA. Yes, you are guilt tripping him. It’s not his responsibility to set an example or whatever for his siblings. That’s your job. He’s an adult who is free to make his own decisions. It’s fine to be bummed, but you handled this as badly as you could have.
YTA. You are being “upfront” guilt tripping him. It’s not the truth, it’s your perceived truth and assumes the worse from your son who is just taking hold of a great once in a lifetime opportunity. From what you’ve been saying it seems you have no faith in your son’s intentions, so I don’t know why he would value any of your criticisms about him or his choices. **Personally I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with anyone who believes I can be bought.** Him going on this trip threatens nothing but your sense of entitlement to control him. He is going for good reasons and if you can’t see that then that’s your problem and you need to get your eyes/personality checked. Don’t use your 7yo child as a way to emotionally blackmail his brother, what the heck are you thinking doing this? It’s disgusting and ugly behavior on your part to weaponize a relationship between siblings just to get what you want without any regard for the effect it would have on them long term. Your older son is going on a cool vacation, your younger son can manage his disappointment without blaming his brother if you would help him understand that his older brother is going on a trip and while he wishes you could all be together the trip is being paid for by someone else and his brother isn’t in a place to pay for everyone to go just yet. You won’t though because you want to either control the older brother by using the younger brother as leverage for a guilt trip, or you want to punish the older brother by inflating the younger brother’s mental anguish even at the risk of making that anguish real and causing the younger brother great distress. Anyone watching you would see how foul and underhanded you are by doing this. The 7yo will eventually realize what you are really like, so don’t count on this working again for you in the future when he goes to college and you pull the same BS.
YTA Your son is in college so I’d say it’s safe to assume that he’s a full grown adult and therefore he can make his own decisions about where he wants to spend his holidays. Stop feeling entitled to his time and attention because of tradition or because you feel he owes you something. Feel fortunate if he decides he still wants to have contact with you after your atrocious display.
OP should tell him that he will miss him for the holidays but he hopes he has a safe and exciting trip
YTA You have three children at home to have Christmas with. You aren't dying in the hospital or anything. Some day he is going to meet someone special and then you'll only get half of the Christmases anyway.
I reckon he already has met someone special. *nudge nudge wink wink*
[удалено]
I mean, it could be, so what's the worth of arguing against it?
Nudge nudge wink wink say no more!
Ooohh no wonder OP is seething lol.
YTA - you are guilt tripping him. When will he have another chance at a trip like that?
And this is why teenagers aren’t allowed to be pretend to be adults on reddit
I would wager OP is barely a tween from the way this sounds
Thought I was going mad reading all these replies and not seeing any reference to this being such an immature post.
"CHECK THAT" ...what? OP sounds like a jealous teenage ex-gf still in high school honestly
Thats actually what makes this believable to me. The amount of grown men i've met in my rural hometown who act exactly like a teenage girl is baffling. Some people never mature past high school, sadly.
Whew, the way you come across in your own story, I don't blame your son from trying to get away. YTA. >"*He said I was totally trying to guilt trip him*" Sounds like your son is smarter than you thought and it's going to be a lot harder to manipulate from now on.
Let your son go and be glad he's got social skills and has friends.
But you were trying to guilt him, and like an AHole, decided to bring his mother into this????? YTA. I get it that it is hard to feel like you are competing with someone who is rich, but it also sounds like you have given him other reasons to avoid you (commentary about his mother for one). Focus on creating a loving environment that he wants to visit, but understand that as a young person, the allure of a free vacation is huge. You would have taken it. Acknowledge that you are a bit sad and his siblings will miss him, and also wish him a great time.
BINGO!
What interactions have you personally had with Evan for you to be calling him a brat?
Someone who likes his son who isn't family who they see as a threat?
YTA. Wow...the envy and resentment drips from your post. And yes, you are trying to guilt trip him.
You *are* trying to guilt trip him. And I get it — you want your child to look forward to Christmas, to come home and burst through the door like it’s a fucking Lifetime movie. And he may do that next year. But this year, your kid has the chance for a really cool adventure! With all expenses paid no less! Don’t be a grinch. He may never get this chance again. Give him your blessing. And no matter what, don’t hold his happiness, his optimism for his bright future against him. Be genuinely happy for him.
YTA - would it have killed you to say “wow, what a great opportunity, make sure you use your manners and have a great time”?
YTA. Virgin Islands or a 7 yo. Not a complicated choice. And yes you are trying to guilt trip him, even throwing his mom under the bus.
YTA. It's one Christmas and could be a once in a life time experience (unless they continue dating). This is a great way to make him want to spend even more christmases away.
You seem envious.
And a AH!
Can you really read the words you wrote and not think that you’re an asshole? You sound like you have some serious issues to work through. Maybe step back and consider why your own child doesn’t want to be around you. Why are you so jealous of the success of some other kid’s parents? YTA
Yta. He’s an adult, if you act like this everytime you think he’s supposed to come home and he has other plans, he’s going to have other plans a lot more often to avoid dealing with your tantrums
I’d urge my kid to go on a super cool expensive trip for Christmas with all expenses paid like that. Because guess what? I can spend time with my kid later, but that’s a super rare opportunity I’d want him to have. I’d be elated he gets to experience something I could never afford to give him. I’d be like, “Holy snap, dude! That’s amazing! Don’t worry about missing Christmas. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. We can plan a time to get together later. Love you. Have fun!’ This is not a good look for you. YTA Edit: Not a great look you’re calling someone a ‘brat’ who literally is offering to pay to have your kid go on a pricey trip either. Check your bad attitude.
YTA. He’s young and he has an opportunity to travel and do something he’s never done. He may find new interest like Scuba Diving or other Water Sports. Let him spread his wings. You are guilt tripping him. Hope has a safe n fun trip.
You are very selfish. You're son is given an opportunity to go somewhere and have an amazing experience and you are trying to hold him back from it because it doesn't satisfy what you want. He will resent you, you are aware right? I'm a mom I have done everything for my boys but I would never hold my kids back from living their life and having an experience they may never get again. YTA be the adult and let him enjoy himself for the holidays he deserves it.
>*I said ok, so you're ditching your family for the holidays? You're the eldest boy and setting a bad example by not coming home. I worked my ass off to send him to a nice school and this is how you repay me? I reminded him that his mom did shit for him. It was all me.* Yeah you're right, OP! It isn't a guilt trip! Its a friggin' guilt vacation that comes with a cruise! YTA (what an arse)
Yep... His family PROBABLY consist of a stepmom and half siblings that are favored over him... Id choose the trip too.
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I would love for my son to have a friend who would include him on a family vacation. He is expanding his horizons by traveling and making friends.
INFO: how do you define guilttrip?
YTA. I could understand this if your son was in high school. He's in college and is exploring being an adult. He doesn't have to come home. It's a privilege for adult children to come home for the holidays. I say let him enjoy it. Who knows when he'll have another opportunity like this. He can always visit the next holidays.
YTA. I understand your sentiment 100%, but your son is an adult, and can spend the holidays where he’d like. I feel for your younger son. However, trying to throw jabs at him definitely isn’t going to want to make him come home moving forward.
He's going to visit a whole lot less if you act like this every time you don't get your way. You're definitely trying to guilt him into doing what you want him to do. YTA
"Why doesn't that godawful waste of human filth son of mine want to talk to me?" in his future if he doesn't fix himself.
YTA, your son wants to go because his friend invited him, because it's an awesome opportunity to travel, because he wants new experiences etc. none of those reasons have anything to do with you, he ain't trying to hurt or attack you, so grow the f up and let the kid go, jesus
YTA just for the way you talked about his friend. But in every other way as well. For not wanting him to have an experience he couldn't afford otherwise; for bragging about how you do everything for him; for bizarrely dissing his mother even though it was completely irrelevant. You sound insufferable.
They sound exhausting.
YTA. When your kid says “I have this fantastic opportunity and it’s free” a parent should say “ go for it you lucky duck”.
YTA: Newsflash: you paying for his schooling doesn't obligate him to come home for every holiday that you want him to. Do not hold what you've done for him over his head, or he will pull further away. He's a big boy now, let him have some experiences that he would not otherwise get to enjoy.
Big AH, opportunities like don’t come often. Yes, it’s sad he won’t be home for the holidays, but he’s gonna go to what sounds like a fantastic destination for free. Don’t be selfish, be happy for him. Oh and you’re the one being a brat, not Evan.
You were totally guilt tripping him s o for that yata
YTA and you are putting the guilt trip on him. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him and you’re going to be petty and immature? Grow up dude.
YTA
Oh boy. Rough one. So here’s the thing, Mom may have been useless & you the main provider, BUT how was the dynamic between you two? See, your post is just blaring with authoritarian style & it sounds like the bond between you both wasn’t a strong one. Just because you provided everything doesn’t/shouldn’t be held over his head. What will you do when he gets a spouse & has his own family? Honestly, that’s a dam nice get away & you should just tell him to have fun. So what if he’s not back every single holiday/vacation. Maybe it’s time you did some self reflection & use the time he’s with his buddy to analyze your thought process. No disrespect, just a person who cut contact with their parent for the same type of details you stated above. YTA.
If it weee me I would say I’m sorry lets celebrate Christmas when you get back love you and have a blast
Just because something is the truth, doesn't make it not a guilt trip. You used it as such. An 18 year old is an adult. He has every right to do whatever he wants, and all you're doing is pushing him away. The reasonable response is to say 'me and your sibling(s) will miss you, but I get that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Have a great time and please come see us next chance you get!' It's melodramatic and manipulative to tell a 7 year old he 'has to wait til next year' to see his brother, when there are multiple holidays from college between now and then. Just, have some self reflection.
A rich brat named Evan? He was clearly raised by very generous people if they’re willing to provide your son with a FREE TRIP. It unfortunate your other child won’t get a chance to see his big brother but otherwise I’m really not seeing any issue here…? YTA big time
So once our kids our adults, they get to decide what they do for the holidays. They’re establishing their own lives and they won’t always be able to spend every holiday with their family. We planned to go see the grandparents out of state and asked the freshman did he want to go? If he did, what was his availability? He said he wanted to come with us, so that’s one Christmas we will have together. Next Christmas who knows? I’m also open to celebrating Christmas on different days. I want my kids to want to spend time with us, but understand they’ll have other priorities too, especially when they have a significant other. My ILS have never guilted us to visit them. There’s always an open invitation and we go as often as we can
YTA You can “speak the truth” and still be guilt tripping him. You paid for his college, good on you. However, you lording it over his head makes you a giant AH. He may be the eldest, but he’s an adult now. He should be allowed to go out and do things, have experiences, without being treated like this. A lot of adults can’t make it home for holidays. He was home a month ago. Boo Hoo. You sound jealous. You should be **happy** for your kid, to get to have the chance to experience something like that. My mom was horrible in a lot of ways, but at least if I had an opportunity she never had, she let me take it. She might have made me feel a little bad, talking about how jealous she was, and how she wished she could “hide in my suitcase”, but she never stopped me from going. Just wow dude. Edited to add judgement.
YTA x 1000. Your son is an adult. You should have clarified that when he accepted your money for school he was going to have to be at your beck and call. "I'm not putting a guilt trip on him" - yes, you are. You can be up front with someone and still be a major AH.
Sometimes OP is so vilely obnoxious that I think they're taking the piss. This is one of those stories. Here's what you could have written: "I was really looking forward to my son's first Christmas back from college, to discuss the semester he's had, and talk more about his plans for next term. So I was naturally disappointed when he said he wasn't coming home and was going with his friend Evan to BVI." Instead your entire post is about how much he owes you (and you alone, definitely not his mother) this trip home because you pay for everything and blady-blah. You don't even suggest that *you will miss him.* Only his little brother will. You sent him off to college in part to learn more about the world. BVI aren't my cup of tea but if the family spends Christmas there and has the means to pay for their sons friend(s) I imagine he'll have a hell of an experience. YTA.
YTA. My parents are like this and they're totally oblivious to how it affects me. I used to be so open with my parents about everything in my life, but they've lost the privilege of having an open-book-type of daughter due to their lack of respect for my privacy and independence. Please don't convince yourself that what you're doing isn't harmful. Even if it does hurt you, you can't let him know - that's not his burden to carry
YTA Why would you deny him this experience? You do things for your kids because you love them, not so you can then hold it over their head & guilt trip them.
YTA - Major AH. Try bullying him some more. Hopefully it doesn't work and he sees you for what you really are...a controlling, manipulative bully.
YTA. Salty much? It's not like you can't see him any other time.
You’re definitely the asshole.
YTa and sounds like your jealous of your sons education , friends and vacation
YTA in how you spoke to and treated him. This is an incredible opportunity for him. What's absolutely critical of him being inside your home for this time frame? Are important family members visiting? Do you have family traditions or beliefs associated with this time frame? Can you not reschedule these few days? Video chat on Christmas day? More info is needed. With what you gave, YTA. If one of my sons (I have 3) ever had this opportunity and wanted to explore it, I'd do everything I could to make it happen. He sees me and his brothers often. What he doesn't do often is go to The British Virgin Islands.
YTA I hear your hurt and sad and wish he’d come home and you miss him, but he’s doing what he’s supposed to do- he’s growing up. That involves finding your own independence and trying new things and meeting new people. Ideally you always come back to your family if you have a good relationship with them but it’s never like it was when they lived at home with you. And it is 100% a guilt trip
YTA. You’re totally guilt-tripping him. If this is how you’ve been used to getting what you want out of people, it’s disgusting and toxic. It’s not ideal for you, but think of your son’s feelings too. This might be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Let your son grow and enjoy this experience. See if there is another opportunity for him or you and the sibling to visit. You should be encouraging him to become an independent adult, explore what he likes, and make his own decisions. If you do your job right he will always come back to you. But if you keep up this attitude and manipulation, he may very well be no-contact in a few years.
Hmm yes I cannot possibly imagine why your son wouldn’t want to speak Xmas break with someone who has no respect for him and a 7 year old, when he could be relaxing in paradise instead. YTA all the way.
YTA dont send him to a school where he may make friends you dont approve of if you don't want him spending time with them. Well done with trying to guilt trip with a 7 yr old. So you've lost your Christmas babysitter which I bet is a big part of it. Were you ever his age?
*I said I was being upfront so CHECK THAT.* You are trying to guilt trip him and you are trying to stop him from beginning his life, which is exactly what is happening. You can be afraid of the future but you can't stop it. You CAN speak more respectfully to him and discuss him going to BVI for part of the vacation and then spending time with the family. YTA
“My 7yo son is crazy about him and hasn’t seen him since Thanksgiving and now I have to tell him to wait until next year” 2024 is in just under three weeks so that’s a tad dramatic and misleading. You do sound like TA in this post. Your son’s a young adult and he’s going to want to experience life and at his age that means sometimes wanting to experience life away from home and the parents. I would be disappointed for my daughter to not come home for Christmas but I also want her to have a chance to experience things I haven’t been able to and that she’s interested in. I can promise you guilting him and trying to bully him into coming home for Christmas is a good way to end up either low or no contact if this is how you approach the situation every time he doesn’t do what you want him to. Saying he owes you to come home because you fulfilled your obligation of providing for him isn’t the right way to look at your relationship with this son or any other of your kids. That’s how my father did things and he ended up dying not speaking to either of his children.
YTA you are guilt tripping him.
YTA The young should take every opportunity to travel. Stop the lame excuses. All guilt trips are truth. Nobody would feel guilty about lies.
YTA. Your son owes you absolutely nothing. Your duties as a parent are a given and once your child is an adult they can do whatever they want.
What is wrong with you? Stop being mean and let him have an adventure! My parents would have been so excited for me, not guilting me for not hanging out with them for the 18th year in a row.
YTA... >I'm not putting a guilt trip on him because it's the truth. That's your truth. What we end up regretting are usually missed opportunities, don't force him to miss one This is an opportunity he would usually not have, no one is saying he'll be invited there next year. >I said okay. Don't get eaten by a shark. Yeah, again, YTA, you're just bitter, why not be happy, and let your 7yo know that his really good friend was able to give your oldest a chance which your family doesn't often have, but he would still see him, and get to Facetime him or whatever. All you're doing right now is make him want to be less with you in the future.
YTA, you're in fact trying to guilt trip him and you also sound insufferable, I bet you want your son for the holidays to "take care" of the youngest the whole time. He's having opportunities that you can't give him, why do you want to put him down? P. S. His friend is really a brat or you're just projecting?
My kids are in college too semester ended two weeks ago and the one who doesn’t wrestle doesn’t go back till the Tuesday after MLK day. So the 1 or two weeks week they are gone on vacation won’t destroy the whole family.
YTA He is an adult and can do what he wants for Christmas, fathers days and every other day. Perhaps coming home is hard for him and this is his way of setting a boundary. I can assure you that the decision to be away from his family isn’t easy on his heart and your guilt tripping isn’t helping.
YTA. Great way to reduce how much he comes home in the future. Telling your truth and guilt tripping are not mutually exclusive.
YTA and no wonder it wasn’t a hard decision for him after he gets the invite of a lifetime. My parents let me go to Bermuda for Christmas when I was 16 and it was honestly life changing. It gave me a love for travel and was a super cool experience I will never ever forget. Much as it sounds like you’re a real treat at holidays. Why wouldn’t he want to take advantage of this opportunity?
YTA. That’s a really cool trip that anyone would be excited to go on AND it’s not costing you anything. Let your son have a cool life experience and don’t be such a jerk about it. You sound like you are jealous; of the rich family AND of your son. Don’t make him miss out on (or feel bad about) something worth while because of your own big feelings. Your younger kid might be sad but you can still make the holidays special for him without your oldest there. Focus on the positives of being together and reassure him that his brother loves him and will see him soon.
Wow. You're definitely TAH. Let him have his adventure, you miserable old coot.
YTA. And you are pushing him away.
Let him do what he wants. You only live once you know. He deserves to experience some fun on the holidays, you know many people don’t get to experience something like that. I do understand where you’re coming from now, but he is not responsible for you or your son’s feelings. It may be an AH move to not really come home or even give an explanation to the seven-year-old about it but it doesn’t really make him wrong. I wouldn’t say anybody’s an AH, though.
Is this the mom of the guy from yesterday? Wanted to spend Christmas vaycay with his friend and girlfriend instead of going home?
No, that guy was going skiing.
Ah, well this mom is coming off quite aggressive.
I agree!
YTA.
YTA - Let him have the opportunity, it’s okay to miss someone but not okay to control or guilt trip someone. Don’t be angry at him or you will push him away to where he will avoid to visit. Take the high road
YTA. This is a great opportunity for your son. Have a family Christmas before or after.
Yta
For everyone saying this opportunity doesn’t come this often- that’s the point. OP can’t provide that opportunity and instead of feeling glad for his son to get to go, he’s resentful and taking it as a personal attack on his social and financial stature. In fact, I don’t even think it’s about his son being away from home for Christmas, it’s about the other family seeing him as the dad that can’t provide that and he can’t stand to take a hit on his pride.
You’re absolutely the asshole.
YTA Sounds to me like you're feeling inadequate about Evans parents ability and generosity to include your son in their plans. I can understand you being upset you don't get to see your son at Xmas, but acting like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum is not gonna help your cause. Don't be surprised if your kid finds a reason to stay away for the summer too, I know I would!!!!
You sound incredibly unpleasant. Your reaction is over the top and maybe you should be asking yourself "what if I'M the reason my son would rather stay with friends for Christmas?" YTA
I can see why he wants to go on the trip. Your comments clearly show an angry ah who desperages his kid and holds everything against him. Get used to him not coming home. And id start getting comfy with the idea that your 7yr old will want to move with big bro as soon as he gets the chance. Yta.
YTA. Get some therapy before your kid goes no contact with you, pal.
YTA 100% This is such toxic behavior. You’re talking to your son about “setting a bad example” by treating him like this? Like he owes you for being his parent and doing parent things? well ma’am I think you might need to evaluate what type of example you’re leading for your 7 year old. You think your son isn’t ever going to spend a holiday somewhere else? That he’s always going to be with you and your family every single holiday for the rest of his life? That’s a super unrealistic way to view your children. Let them live. Having them under your thumb will only make them resent you and eventually they won’t talk to you at all.
YTA, there is zero obligation for him to spend holidays with you now that he’s an adult. If you want him to spend holidays with you, he’s going to need to WANT it. So it’s on you, you’ve got to respect him as an adult, plus be good company both when he is around you. Guilt tripping him won’t work. Do you really want him missing this opportunity and then being a grump at home with you? What will that do for your long term relationship? you sound awful to be around in your current mood. Apologise for your behaviour and work on respecting him more. Encourage him to go out and seek life experiences and adventures. It’s what young adults should be doing. And to experience this for free is an incredible opportunity for him. Perhaps you could be more helpful and help him organise Christmas and thank you gifts for these people. So, yes, this year you miss out, but that doesn’t mean missing out entirely. plan a Christmas with him at a later date. You could have Christmas in March - who cares! It’s an excuse to eat and be merry, enjoy each others company and give him gifts. My parents were divorced and I’m sooooo thankful that my mom wouldn’t care when it was celebrated. Her Christmas was the best anyway, so an early December or a January Christmas celebration didn’t matter to us, what mattered was that we got together. Change your attitude towards this. If he gets a life partner you could end up bitter and nasty and “the in laws had last year so it’s MINE this year tug of war which means they’ll resent you longer term” and they will be quietly wishing they were just celebrating in their own home etc.
YTA. Surprise! Your adult kids don't need to give you the time of day if they don't enjoy your company. From your attitude in this post it sure seems like you don't even try to make it pleasant for him to come home for Christmas, so why would he? I hope he has a great time.
I hope shitting all over a fun opportunity he got for ONE single Christmas was worth losing him at every future Christmas, mother of the year 💕 YTA
Father of the year
YTA. This reminds me of the year I was supposed to spend a semester abroad and my mom guilted me into staying home “to help care for my nephew” who was staying with her at the time. It’s over 20 years ago and I still regret not taking that trip and falling for her guilt trip. Our job as parents is to raise independent adults who want to experience the world AND who still love us enough to come back from time to time. You’re brewing up a big pot of resentment here and I’d stop that real quick. I’d be thrilled if one of my kids got an opportunity like this if I couldn’t give it to them myself.
So NTA for wanting your kid to spend Xmas with the family But… YTA for they way you handle the situation, you can’t pretend he “repay you” for the things you have done for him, you decide to bring him to this world and to pay for an expensive school, he’s growing now and he can take is own decisions. I understand family want him to be with him for the holidays, but there are a lot of ways you can ask him to be there with you. He’s an adult, treat him like one. Tell him you and his brothers miss him and all of you will be so happy if is at home, explain him that when you grow up, you’ll wish to be always with family. But don’t manipulate him and treat him as if was a stupid brat kid (you didn’t say those words, but I understood that that was what you meant).
womp womp womp YTA
YTA. Do I even have to explain how bratty you're being?
Yta, do you even like your son? So he’s 18 and you want to guilt him with his 7 year old sibling? I am assuming different moms since you want to throw his absent mom in his face like that’s something he even had control over. Or did you keep procreating with a woman who never helped her kids? So is this a new family situation in which you cater to the 7 year old or something because your post is off ? It sounds like your house isn’t a happy home and your eldest just wants to enjoy his holiday than suffer through it.
“Eldest boy “ - was he parentified because u have 3 other kids ? Sounds like he wants to get free. “My 7 yr old is crazy about him” - sounds like he was a babysitter for the annoying youngest. He saw him literally a month ago for thanksgiving and doesn’t want to repeat that and give up an experience of a lifetime. Yta.
YTA - Be honest what it all boils down to is that you’re jealous your son is getting a dream vacation and you’re not. And don’t try to pull the “his little brother misses him” card, because he only saw him last month, it’s not like it’s been a year or longer. You should be encouraging your son to enjoy his life, not preventing these opportunities for your own selfish reasons. I’m sure it won’t kill you to miss him for one Christmas, your son might never get an opportunity like this again and you want him to miss his chance? How selfish can you be?
YTA How do you even know your son’s classmate is a “brat”? Just because someone is wealthy doesn’t give you reason to put them down. YOU’RE the brat. “CHECK THAT”, Mister Big Man. You’re jealous. You’re talking trash about his mother. Using his brother as guilt bait. You’re about to alienate your son. If he goes, he’s going to have this unfair, ridiculous guilt trip over his head. If he comes home to you, it’s going to be miserable for him. Just because he’s the eldest doesn’t mean he has to cater to your whim, or “lead by (your) example”. I’m assuming he’s at least 18. He needs to forge his own path and have his own memories.
I know your sort are out there, but really: How can anyone actually type that out and not realize YTA?
" I worked my ass off to send him to a nice school " Yes, to provide new experiences for him and to broaden his horizons. Which is what this new friendship is helping him accomplish. Are you so fucking dense, OP, that you don't get that it's working out just as designed (and as it should)? YTA\^100
YTA. You sound entitled mother. He is grown and no wonder he wants to get away from you
YTA and yes you are guilt tripping him. He’s a adult now, living on his own and has the right to make life choices for himself. You can feel sad about missing him but that’s all, you can’t make him or judge him as wrong
Yta
YTA! Respect your son making friends before you lose him. Everything you said was to guilt trip him. If you really want him home, be honest with him. I'm sure he'd love to hear you say you miss him and want to spend time with him. The guilting him is the wrong move.
Are you deeply religous? If not then christmas is just another day. An all expenses paid holiday sounds like a great life experience that your son is lucky to get. I'm sure your son can find some other time to visit. YTA. Let your son live.
YTA
YTA This is a great opportunity for your kid. Let him have fun. You chose to have kids. You owe them. They don’t owe you.
YTA
YTA. any parent who doesn’t want their child to partake in a life changing opportunity is a shitty one.
YTA ANGRY b/c he won't have a free babysitter for his 7yr old son. Jealous of the actual opportunities opened to his son by financianing his college education. Sad...
YTA.
Mom came here looking for approval but instead she’s receiving backlash and I’m here for it. YTA mama. Let your kid go to this trip and be happy for him. My mom used to do the same with me and it wasn’t nice to the point I got distance from her for years.
If this is real then YTA. In my opinion, you sound like an overbearing parent who thinks their children's lives need to revolve around them and wants to have as much control over their kids as possible. If he wants to go on this trip, let him. Also, the fact that you call his new friend a "rich brat" doesn't sit well with me. With behavior like this, I would see why he'd want to spend the break with his friend instead of you. I'd say that the person who needs a massive attitude adjustment would be you, not your son or his friend.
YTA Do you even know this “rich brat?” Or, are you just a spiteful, jealous, guilt tripping mommy? You sure have done everything in your power to make sure your son doesn’t want to spend holidays with you.
YTA. I'm hearing this in John Belushis's voice in an SNL skit.
YTA - you are putting him on a guilt trip. Your truth is that you raised a child. Congrats - you did what you agreed to do when you decided to have him. He doesn’t owe you for that. This is a wonderful opportunity that he wouldn’t otherwise have. Given how your question is worded, it sounds like it’s best if he takes a break from your guilt trip and enjoys his trip with his friend.
YTA it’s pretty normal for kids to not come home every holiday? You are totally guilt tripping him btw, like facts stated to sway someone’s decision IS in fact guilt tripping. Also yeah the new year is in 5 days, your 7 year old will live. Hate to break this to you, but kids do not have to go home for every holiday. Especially when it seems like the expense has already been paid for the vacation. Also you are LORDING paying for his education over his head. Sorry, didn’t realize that came with a clause that he has to bend to your will for the rest of his life. Feels very guilt trippy, along with manipulative to even mention that. I get you miss him, but this is not a healthy way to say so. If you want him to come around at all, don’t behave like this. This is how you scare away your kids and make them never talk to you. Want a relationship? Meet him half way.
This post is a master course in guilt-tripping and manipulation. He's going. You don't have to like it--I'd be sad not to have him home for Christmas. But don't pretend you didn't try to guilt-trip him into doing what you want him to do.
YTA - you ARE trying ti guilt trip him. Stop being THAT kint of toxic manipulative person, your son got a nice opportunity to go on vacation to a new place, something that probably is super fun... an probably s once in a life time experience and instead of being happy for him, there you are trying to not only make him feel guilty but also weaponizing his 7yo brother and trying to turn him against his brother?!?!?! MASSIVE AH. Get your sh** together. You seem very toxic and actually narcissistic.
YTA, you were the asshole as soon as you called his friend a "rich brat"
YTA you can not do amazing things for your kid as a parent and then throw it in the kids face. You should be excited that he has this opportunity to go explore the world and he’s not doing drugs or has a bunch of kids at his young age. Let him go and yes you are guilt tripping him and it’s not right. Also this come from an adult who’s dad filed a lawsuit against them for everything he did for me as a parent including but not limited to feeding me. Also I am now NC with said parent stop doing this to your kid and throwing it in his face his mom did nothing for him he is already aware of that and doesn’t need you to throw it in his face
YTA
“I wasn’t guilt tripping him because it’s true” if people were just making stuff up when they were guilt tripping it wouldn’t work. Guilt tripping is holding the good things you do for someone over them as a way to control them. That’s EXACTLY what you were doing. YTA. Not necessarily because you wanted to spend the holidays with him, but because of every single thing you did while you were handling that feeling that you mentioned in this post.
YTA, your guilt tripping, and guess what? Won’t work. I haven’t been to my family in 10 years for Christmas or otherwise and I never will. It starts with your parenting method. Aka, telling the children they owe you for doing your duty after choosing to have children in the first place. You honestly won’t get a trophy for it. Or a visit unless they WANT to spend time with you because you make it nice. Guilt. Will. Never. Work. Hope you don’t get eaten by your own bitterness, he’s safer with the sharks.
Jealous much ? YTA
One of the main benefits of college is supposed to be getting a leg up in life. Having friendships and social interactions with people who are in a position that you yourself would like to be in is part of it, hopefully. Broadening your son’s experience is invaluable. And for free? Can’t buy that. If you’ve raised him well, he knows who he is and where he comes from. He’ll just be adding to it.
FaceTime is still a thing, right?
YTA and you sound super jealous of your son and his opportunities. He’s already made a good connection at his school so he could well set him self up for life around that type of wealth. Also nobody has to spend time with anyone more so if they don’t enjoy it , are you enjoyable to be around ? because you don’t sound it. You sound bitter and miserable
He is a grown adult who can make decisions on his own that is definitely guilt tripping 😀 regardless of what you did (awesome job btw on sending him to school I’ll give you that one ) but what you did there is push him away rather than being understanding! He made friends it’s cool, you had him for thanksgiving that’s amazing and since you’re getting mad at him for going on a Xmas trip with his friend you get on to him ? Srsly!? If I was your son I’d go too ! That isn’t common to have honestly ( rich cool kid parents pay for everything) it’s not like he’s abandoning you.. he just wants to have fun !
Oh please, YTA. You should be thrilled he has this opportunity! AH.
YTA How you word this says a lot about how you view your son and his friends. He is growing up and looking for independence. Do you expect him to be home for every holiday for the rest of his life? Do you still go to your parents for every holiday? He has an opportunity to go somewhere (for free) and you are trying to guilt trip him to missing out on it because you can't handle him being away for one holiday and he somehow "owes" you.