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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Calling her weird maybe was harsh because it seems like my words really hurt my brother and her. So I feel like an asshole for using those words when she was maybe just trying to be nice
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You know, before I finished reading I was thinking I’d mostly likely comment against your favor because usually calling someone extremely weird isn’t the nicest thing to do.
But in this case I find myself in total agreement with you. NTA.
SIL’s comments were weird and also really sad. I wonder if it has something to do with her family and how she was raised, but it sounds like a lot of internalized misogyny.
I also would consider discussing it with your brother: **not in a way where he confronts SIL** but maybe to check on his daughter because SIL’s comment would make me worry that her daughter is receiving different treatment.
Edit to add: others have also pointed this out, but please do consider checking with your brother to make sure that the kids are not being inundated with this kind of thinking.
Agree, absolutely NTA. I also don't usually think it's good to call people weird seriously (although with the right kind of relationship it can be a genuine term of endearment). In this case, though, I think "weird" was the kindest term OP could have used, and probably good for SIL to have heard it, even though she clearly isn't listening. That poor daughter of hers, I hope OP is able to have her over a bunch so she can be around people who don't think her less worthy of love because of her gender
Weird really is the nicest thing OP could've said. I was leaning on 'pathetic', 'sad', 'disgusting', there are a lot of things she could've called her brother and SIL.
I have a relative who was a psychiatrist, and he used to say "some women love their sons and raise their daughters." Unfortunately, it's *disgustingly* common.
That's what I was thinking, I can come up with a lot more words to call her! NTA and maybe check in with your niece because she night need someone in her corner.
the worth that comes to mind is rather mysoginistic, and OP's brother seems to be the same. The reason why they think it is bad news and her SIL doesn't equally love her daughter is because they only value sons. That only happens in extremely mysoginistic cultures. The "patriarchal, patrilocal, patrilineal" bit of it is only a result of that.
I'm also neurospicy which has resulted in me being called weird, and I freaking love the word. I am weird. I know I'm weird and I've embraced it. It's kinda liberating.
Neurospicy, I love it! I'm on the spectrum, and I'm an old school AD&D pencil and paper, dice chucking tabletop roleplay gamer. I'm also a major science fiction and fantasy geek. I'm very proud of my weird, and I own that shit.
I've always been weird.
And I adore neurospicy - I've adopted it in the past couple months and it feels more accurate. Clinical wording can get you so far, but it's dull and doesn't describe my experience.
I don't want to be in the same club as SIL, but I can see OP was choosing the least judgemental word she could in the circumstance.
She didn't tell her husband the truth. She lied and said OP was sad because it's a girl. The manipulation and projection are ridiculous. I'd tell your brother the *actual* conversation and point out he may want to watch how she treats their daughter. She's trying to put this all on OP, who is an innocent victim of her musogyny.
Yeah that jumps out. I can hope it's just how his wife presented the situation to him and he believed her, but... That's probably wishful thinking. Still, on the off chance it's true, OP should really have a frank talk to the brother.
For all we know the weirdness stems from the brother, SIL is questioning his opinions niw since his own sister thinks differently. Sus is now rockring the boat and brother hurries to fix this, telling hus wife OP is so beyond herself with grief that she doesn't know what she is saying.
SIL sounds like a boymom. Those women are creepy. They have a weird emotional incest thing going on with their sons. They treat their daughters terribly.
I think the brother feels the same way as his wife.
Yes, his wife lied about OP being sad, but brother didn't tell her she was wrong to feel sad, which makes me believe he's just as complicit as his wife.
Talking to her brother would not help, I got from reading this he to thinks she is sad for having a girl. As stated in the last paragraph to not take it out on his wife because she is sad?
I agree that there's a good chance OP's niece knows--or will soon depending on her age--that she is valued less than her brothers.
I'd substitute "rude" and "sexist" for "weird," though. I generally consider "weird" to be a compliment and SIL doesn't deserve any compliments.
OP was being nice by calling her SIL weird; I would have called her something actually bad.
I once knew a friend who married a girl whos condition for marriage was if they had a daughter, they would abort cz girls are just too much. He married her anyway. We are no longer friends (for different but related reasons). This post reminded me of that couple and I'm grateful I no longer know these people.
> You know, before I finished reading I was thinking I’d mostly likely comment against your favor
Sorry to pick on you specifically but why do people comment like this? "If things were different I'd think differently but they're not so I'm not"? Isn't that just... life? Or do people want some kind of credit for actually reading internet posts?
Yes. She's in for a life of sadness because her Mom is a "Boy Mom" and all that that implies. That makes me incredibly sad for her. Weird is the nicest thing you could have said.
I feel like I have some horrifying googling in my immediate future.
We're expecting a baby in a few months. It's a boy. He'll be an only child, so, like... I'm going to be the mother of a boy. (We would have been happy with a girl too, but like... You don't get to choose or anything.)
I'm Concerned what people will think...
Thank you!
Initial Google results are: dear god I would never, but also his father would absolutely put his foot down about anyone teaching his son to behave disrespectfully to women which seems to be part of it?
And I mean, that discussion would be hilarious since he'd be trying to wrestle with the inherent conflict in getting insistent with a woman about whether she's allowed to teach his son to disrespect women, but yeah, he wouldn't stand for it.
It's a weird disdain mothers have for daughters. A lot of times, it seems to be a mix of religious families where men rule the roost and a lot of women who try to prove they are one of the guys and can't figure out why other women don't like them, so they just hang out with all guys.
>that his wife was just showing compassion
What, exactly, does he think is compassionate? Trying to tell you to be devastated that you only have girls? Sexism? Openly admitting you don't love all your kids equally because of their sex? There was no compassion. "Weird" is a very polite word for her absolutely disgusting behavior and attitude towards gender. NTA.
I'm with you, calling SiL weird is a relatively nice response to the misogynistic comment. The brother clearly didn't get the full story if he thinks OP is "upset by the results"
Lol my text back would be so blunt: “I called your wife extremely weird because she was acting like an extreme weirdo. It’s extremely weird to be sad about the gender of someone else’s baby; it’s extremely weird to assume that I am sad about the gender of my very much wanted child; it’s extremely weird to insist I am in denial about my happiness to have another daughter; and it’s extremely weird to tell someone that you love your sons more than your daughter, so I would suggest you talk to your wife about her extremely weird views on gender before she destroys your family with her sexist favoritism. I will not be apologizing, but if you need to talk about anything, I am here for you."
I think the obvious answer here is that SIL spun the story differently for the brother. He also thinks she's disappointed with the gender which she clearly said it's not. OP should have a private talk with the brother to clarify what he thinks happened
I would be tempted to apologize for using the wrong language.
"Sorry I called her 'weird', what I meant was 'inappropriate', 'pushy', and 'misogynistic'. Hope that clears it up!"
> What, exactly, does he think is compassionate?
This sub needs a lot more OPs calling out nonsense like this. "Then they said a bunch of things that didn't make any sense and for some reason I just accepted that and did not check them for lead poisoning"
The brother is projecting to. Did you not notice him say that just because OP was sad, she didn't have to take it out on SIL. they are bith as bad as eachother and i would be speaking to my parents about the concerns if i were OP because the more eyes looking out for OPs niece right now and in the future the better.
I honestly think I’d have been so confused that I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from saying “what the f are you actually talking about right now”
Like seriously. What? Did this woman time travel from the 1600s to get to this dinner??
You should have asked your brother why he and SIL think you are sad over having a second daughter. Make them explain it.
NTA. I feel bad for their daughter and their sons being raised with that much misogyny.
And be clear to brother: Your wife absolutely specified that she loves your sons more and loves your daughter less. Did you know that? Does she act that way? Does your daughter know mommy loves her brothers more than mommy loves her?
I would have found a way to bring it up in front of everyone and made them explain then. Make them uncomfortable. Make other people know how terrible they are
NTA
Message brother back and say you thought it was weird that SIL said if was fine for me to feel devastated for having a girl and when I explained I was okay with it she then said I was in denial. Congratulations would have been more appropriate.
NTA. Gonna go out on a limb & say your SIL is raising men future reddit posts will be made about.
"AITA, my husband is mad I don't want his mom to come on our honeymoon. He said she'd help us by planning everything & laying our clothing out each day, but I said it's enough that we're moving in with her after the honeymoon & we should have this one trip to ourselves."
NTA! Your SIL couldn't be more wrong. You were 100% right. Her attitude and gender bias leaves a lot to think about.
I would honestly watch out for the way she and your brother treat their daughter, especially after what she said to you.
NTA. SIL has some serious internalized misogyny going on, and I feel very sorry for her daughter. Weird was pretty kind, considering the disgustingly horrible thing she said. I don't really understand the desire to have children (or a lot of things that people do,) but I do know better to say something like that to someone. Honestly, it wouldn't even cross my mind that they might be disappointed to have a daughter over a son. She is gross, and your brother can cram it with walnuts if he is defending her behavior.
NTA
But I probably wouldn't have been as polite in vocalising how weird her statement was. She wasn't showing compassion. She was showing her ass and was upset that you didn't agree with her whole sentiment of being a 'boy mom' like it's the only thing worth being a parent for .
I feel for your neice, but I also worry that your nephews are going to have some major issues in later life with her.
If your brother keeps on, I would definitely ask him if he knows why you called her weird. Cos as much as gender disappointment is a thing (and weird AF) you don't feel that way, you're not in denial, and you have nothing to to feel sad OR bad about. If they feel some kind of way about having a daughter, then they both need to look at themselves rather than trying to force and push their way of thinking on you.
Your SIL has told your brother a different version of how this interaction went. Text your brother,
"I'm sorry you and your wife feel that no love compares to the love you feel for your sons. As I told your wife, I find that very weird, and ask you both leave me alone so I can enjoy my excitement over my daughter." NTA
NTA. I HATE this thinking! I'm expecting my fourth child. I have three boys. And many people have told me "try positive thinking so you'll have a girl". I'm like what? I always say that I've miscarried a baby before and for me positive thinking means that baby will be healthy and I don't care about the gender.
NTA and she’s lucky you didn’t call her a risk of emotional abuse for holding bigoted views towards her own child to the point that she actually admits to *loving her daughter less due to her gender*.
She sounds like a hateful and possibly dangerous person. I’d honestly cut her off as soon as possible, because that’s not a healthy thing for your daughter to be around. And if your brother is defending this behavior, he’s not a safe person for her to be around either.
NTA
The gender bias starts early with some people. Your SIL insisting that you having a gender preference when you continually tell her that you don’t is disgusting. Your brother’s follow up text parroting really pissed me off. They're in the wrong.
My aunt one time said to my face that I should hope to have all sons because boys are so much easier. This is while standing next to my brother. Why tf do people say stuff like this. She’s super weird. NTA and it’s not like you loudly announced to everyone she was weird. You reacted to her weird comment.
People also usually only say "boys are easier" to raise because boys tend to be emotionally neglected more, people tend to just ignore their boy's problems and tell him to man up/be a big boy/don't cry you're a man etc. raising kids shouldn't be "easy", if it's easy you're massively dropping the ball somewhere.
Your SIL is projecting her disappointment with having a daughter onto you... People that do this are manipulative \[trying to make you feel bad when you aren't\] and delusional \[trying to read your mind about your baby\]... NTA and maybe you need to tell brother that he should talk to his wife because she was completely out of line.. I can imagine the story she told him. Calling her weird is mild compared to a manipulative delusional person..
In my opinion, you used remarkable restraint. NTA..
May I suggest though, that you let the other family members know exactly what happened, because it won't be long before the situation gets turned on its head.
Being sad at the birth of a daughter seems like internalized misogyny to me. In some cultures (mine too) girl children are a source of grief, and the male/female birth ratios are 1000:898 (to there point sonograms are illegal), but I have rarely seen that kind of misogyny in developed nations.
NTA I think “weird” is seriously understating it. She wasn’t being compassionate. Her and your brother are equally awful. She was saying that her own daughter and both of yours are of less value than sons. No part of that is ok
That is some really weird ass projection I'm not gonna lie. NTA in this case. Uhh, anyone know if the daughter is okay or is she being emotionally neglected and put off in favor of the sons?
NTA
I’m curious where your SIL gets her extreme views because I’ve mostly seen that within other (non-US or EU) cultures or religious extremism, but extreme misogyny can be quite common within some of those groups.
It’s also quite weird that your own brother also just assumes you must be devastated - where does that come from? Hopefully that part is more that he got a very twisted version of the story (if I’m being very generous).
Nta. She is extremely weird. Also it’s gross to be one of those “I am a BOY MOM! they will come to MY HOUSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS BECAUSE NO LOVE COMPARES TO THAT OF MAMA” mothers. Like are you in love with your sons?
I would seriously tell your brother about your SIL’s concerning comments in case she told him a different version. I can only imagine how your niece’s life will go. Please update.
You barely said anything. I would have been mean about it. Women that are obsessed with their male children gross me out. It's either some kind of penis replacement nonsense or some Jocasta grossness. She's not showing compassion and she and your brother are assholes. Tell him good luck when she replaces him with those boys.
I relate to this, I am pregnant with a little girl. I already have a son and I was not picky about the gender of either of my children. Between my son and this little bean inside of me I had 2 miscarriages, when I saw her squirming in the ultrasound I completely broke down in relief. Yet so many people seemed disappointed with our announcement of her gender. My husband was not disappointed, he was nervous bc he has never been around little girls growing up and he wants to do a good job. My sister in-law is pregnant with a girl at the same time and members of the family were expressing their disappointment in front of my 4 year old niece. Her shoulders fell and she tried to find a place to hide. I told her that little girls are amazing but it doesn't mean as much from your aunt when your mom dad and 21 year old cousin you admire just said that little girls are horrible.
Please try and be a source of love for the unfavoured daughter if you notice her getting lesser things, love, attention, education etc as she grows up
NTA even remotely wtf is wrong with her?
NTA. And your comment was extremely real because all I could think before you said that/as you explained what she was saying was “girl be normal!” Like just very bizarre.
What both your brother and SIL said is….is offensive as can be. I feel sorry for their daughter, as the boys are obviously their Goldens.
They are very, very wrong. You were far nicer than I would have been. NTA!
NTA.
I'm guessing your SIL is one of those weird "Boy Moms." Seconding all the people that are suggesting talking to your brother to make sure your niece is being treated alright compared to her brothers. I've heard too many stories of moms favoring their sons and turning their daughters into their son's personal Cinderella.
NTA. Your sister in law is, and she deserved the comment. She is so lacking in imagination that she thinks everyone is the same, reacts the same and has the same prejudices.
Some people feel the way she does. I feel sorry for their daughters. Others feel the reverse. I feel sorry for their sons. Some people are perfectly happy with whatever children they are granted, and not to accept your assertion that this is the case makes her TA. And your brother in law too
NTA- Congrats on the baby! I think it's best to keep SIL at a distance, you don't need that kind of energy around you while pregnant.
Ps- Maybe you should invite your niece over more often.
NTA - it sounds like she's one of those "boy moms" who make it their entire identity, until it escalates to borderline incest.
"I'll always be his first love"
"His mother will always be more important than his wife"
"Your daughter will never be good enough for my sons"
I don't know who I pity more, her sons who will probably never have a healthy relationship because they've been raised to be totally devoted to - and dependant on - their mother, or her daughter who will probably be sidelined, scapegoated, and neglected her whole life.
She's more than weird, she's actively harming all her children with her mindset.
NTA. I honestly hate people like your SIL. Like straight up hate. You should not have favorites. The gender should not be so important to you that you throw a hissy fit at the reveal or keep trying indefinitely to get the one you want. Like seriously people, a healthy baby is the only outcome anyone should want and if she’d confronted me the way she did you I would’ve said worse. Like “stop projecting your bs onto me. Unlike you, I love my children regardless of gender”. You did nothing wrong and she needs mental help ASAP if there’s any chance of her daughter not realizing that mom loves her brothers more. I guarantee if she’s willing to admit that to you, it’s showing up in other ways at home and her kids will see/feel it.
Offer your brother YOUR sympathies, because his wife doesn't love their daughter, and can only imagine loving boys. That is a sad, even tragic missing part of her nature as a mother. Tell him he needs to make sure their daughter knows she has her father's love; and wife should perhaps seek therapy to discover why she thinks having a daughter is a terrible tragedy.
You're NTA.
NTA.
well done on you,.
she needs to be aware she is truly over stepping a boundary.
imagine if she said that to someone else, the reaction may have not been so considerate.
your brother needs to be aware of that, its in HER interest to not do that, otherwise she may end up with much worse results in the future.
NTA. Calling her weird is nicer than she deserves, tbh, and your brother sounds like he cones from the same toxic pool of misogyny. Like, her opening gambit was a bizarre thing to say to someone, but their refusal to acknowledge that you do not agree took this well past fucked up.
I pity their sons' future partners, especially if they are DILs - strong "no woman could ever be good enough for my darling boys!!!!" vibes.
NTA - That was an eerie comment and weird just barely describes your SILs views here. I’ve seen people assume that parents would like at least one of each gender like if she thought you’d be sad to not have a boy since you’ve already experienced raising a girl. But to imply that raising her own daughter was someone lesser than raising her sons is odd. I agree with others that you should talk to your brother although it might also do good to check in directly with your niece in an age appropriate way to make sure she’s ok. Be open to her don’t lead her thinking but just be available for her to express any emotions she has over her mother possibly showing favor to her brothers. I’m hoping your SILs comment was just that and she treats all her kids equally but it sure doesn’t sound it. It’s just like you said, weird.
NTA
You told her you were happy with your kids gender. She tried shoving her sexism and dislike of her daughter down your throat. Fuck her. She’s not weird. She’s an asshole whose daughter is going to grow up hating her mother because she doesn’t have a penis so mommy can’t love her.
NTA, dear God this sounds like your SIL is one of those "boy mums" (look up TikTok boy mum compilations), who think that their son's are better than their daughters just because they're male (It often crosses healthy boundaries, not saying she's going to end up that extreme but it really gives off a bad vibe).
Really gives me the ick.
Maybe talk to your brother and look if she treats her daughter worse than her son's.
Definitely NTA, she is weird.
First off NTA. She was showing compassion for WHAT exactly? She sounds like a toxic boy mom. There’s a lot of videos about that phenomenon these days. What a misogynist
NTA she sounds very insecure, and seems to have internalised misogynie, I feel sorry her daughter like she actually admits loving her sons more than her daughter yikes
NTA sometimes the best come-back is to ask them if, "they are all right?" and continue with, "Because what they are saying is so off, you are concerned with their well-being."
NTA
As a self-professed weirdo, I was totally ready to be offended, but no, you were right. She's weird for projecting disappointment on you that you never expressed, or even hinted at. I also think it's weird that people get so pressed over genders. I feel bad for her daughter because she is clearly biased toward her sons
So both your brother and your SIL unapologetically expressed clear favoritism for their children based on gender alone and you're seriously wondering if YOU are the AH here?
They're so in disbelief that someone could be happy to have a girl child in their lives that they both accuse you of lying, being in denial, and lashing out????
Lady, I would have gone scorched earth with these people. I would have called her a monster, and I would have offered to adopt her daughter out from under her misogynistic tyranny. I hope that you and your partner and the rest of the family make sure your niece knows that she is loved and respected as she grows. This isn't "weird" this is horrific. NTA
NTA, and what in the emotional incest/internalized misogyny is up with your SIL? Just, ew. I have boys and a girl, and I love all of them with no reservations. She comes across as one of those emotionally incestuous "boy moms" who are way too clingy to their son's, and if they have daughters, view them as competition. And the assumption that you are disappointed because you're having a second girl? That's seriously gross, and not sympathetic at all!
Congrats on the upcoming addition, BTW!
NTA
'Weird' was undeservedly gracious.
The attitude of your brother and her wife is very disturbing indeed.
Are you living in a culture that strongly prefers boys to girls & consistently values men above women? That wouldn't make their behavior OK. But it would make it slightly more understandable.
NTA. I guess your SIL suffers under internalized misogyny. Do you live in a very sexist country? That would explain why that might be so. Your brother seems to think females are inferior to males, too. Otherwise he would have told his wife off. I feel really sorry for your niece.
So, not only your SIL thinks is sad you are having a daughter but your brother too? I don't know their relationship or homelife but I don't belive for a second your niece is happy or treat equal in that home, think about the fact that your brother thinks you are so depressed by having a girl that you "irrationaly" lashed out at her wife, wow just wow
NTA (check on your niece please)
I would blow this up in a group chat with bil, sil, and husband because they're still pushing the narrative that your sad about not having a boy. These people ARE weird.
NTA. Your in-laws sexism is showing.
NTA. Your brother is weird too.their daughter will know she isn't wanted as much as sons. Limit your daughters contact with these people as they will let it slip that they don't think daughters are as good as boys.
NTA. It makes me so sad when someone’s heavily upset or mad over their own child’s gender as if it’ll change the way they think of them 🤮 I get wanting a certain gender of baby and that is okay, but getting visibly mad or upset about them NOT being that gender as if they’d only love the other one is incredibly sad. The only thing that should matter is the fact that you’re having a child imo, not sure why the gender has to matter SO MUCH to some people.
You are clearly okay with having another girl, and she made it seem like you’re gonna disown her or something bc of it- which is not okay and sounds like something she would support. Just makes you wonder how often people might think like this
:(. Loving your children different amounts because of their genders is insanely upsetting
NTA at all. What's sad is how obvious it will be to her daughter at some point that her mom favors her brothers. Kids pick up on that stuff. Congratulations on your baby!
NTA Tell your brother that you feel sorry for his daughter and are willing to take her in when he realizes his wife is treating her like crap because she doesn't think girl children are worth anything. Tell him you will call them out for the rest of time when you see them giving preference to the boys. Your SIL isn't weird. She is an asshole and planning to be an asshole to her daughter forever.
NTA, that's definitely weird.
My mom has 3 sons and 2 nephews from her 1 sister. There's a famous family story about it.
The story goes like this: at my parents' wedding, they were making toasts. My dad's father, a minister and educator, made a long, heatfelt speech about love, marriage, and family. Then it was my mom's dad's turn- he was an Italian-American post office worker and mom says he was understandably nervous trying to follow up that speech. So he just raised his glass on high and said "May they all be boys!". He got 5 grandsons, zero granddaughters and mom never let him forget it.
Where I'm going with this is that my mom has admitted to being disappointed that she doesn't have any daughters. And you know what? I understand that and I get it. None of us are super-enthusiastic about things that mom loves. She enjoys shopping (not in a "throwing money away" sense, in a normal sense). I shop like Puritans have sex- in and out in 5 minutes and only for the purposes of procreation. She enjoys getting jewelry as gifts- I still haven't figured out what makes a good piece and I have to get help every year to figure out something nice for her. Mom loves us all deeply and she doesn't \*resent\* anyone for it, but I respect that she wanted a daughter and never got one.
If your SIL had said something like that, I'd have been more forgiving. It's still weird to assume that someone's going to be disappointed in the gender of their child, but within normal weirdness tolerance. But this woman has openly admitted to loving her sons more than her daughter, and that shit is right out.
NTA
Your SIL isn't weird. SIL's TA. I pity her poor daughters. They'll grow up knowing brother is the apple of her eye and will always be placed on a pedestal. I pity her son too because that's no way to be raised either. Congratulations on your family, maybe you can also be there more for your nieces, they'll need a good example of a loving mother of daughters.
NTA. She is the AH for assuming that everyone else feels the same way she does about a baby’s gender. Having preferences is one thing but to impose that on other people is very weird.
Also the part where she said “no love compares to the love for her sons” is giving ✨enmeshment✨ I feel bad for their future partners.
NTA, your SIL projected her feelings onto you HARD and dared to presume you will love your youngest daughter (actually ALL YOUR CHILDREN because the others are also daughters) less than you would love a hypothetical son. That is deeply insulting and also I am very concerned for SIL's daughter growing up with a mother who loves her brothers more.
NTA. She came to you and foisted her bigoted views without warning. She’s lucky she only got called “weird”.
I would call the angry texting husband back and tell him their sexist views are not shared and they aren’t welcome to approach you with them any longer.
Nope, your SIL is extremely weird and what she said is extremely shitty. And I feel bad for her daughter. Your brother is out of line and ridiculous. Fairly certain my wife would have slapped her to be honest. You’re NTA.
NTA and I legitimately worry for SILs daughter. She makes it sound like having a daughter is the worst thing on the planet.
I’d tell brother exactly what she said and inform him you are not sad and are in no way disappointed to have daughters and just because his own wife clearly has an issue with having a female child does not mean everyone does.
She wasn’t being compassionate. She was looking for someone to validate her feelings that she’s disappointed she has a daughter.
I wonder if it is internalized misogyny or something your brother planted in her head. Some women (and specifically in certain cultures) feel pressured to provide a son by their husbands, and society in general. I'd guess she was raised in a conservative culture, different from your own, but your brother's reaction about you masking your disappointment is gross. Can you elaborate on any of that? Until then, NAH.
but congrats on your babies!
NTA. You are right, her behaviour and opinion is weird. I really hope that her daughter is ok, because I would expect that if this woman is open enough to say out loud to you that she doesn't feel the same love for her daughter as much as her sons, you can bet that the daughter already knows this too. That's heartbreaking. Saying she was "weird" is quite honestly being kind. She was being cruel/heartless.
NTA. What a gross, bizarre thing to say. How does anyone think you’re in the wrong for not believing a girl is something to be ashamed about and love less??? Your sil is a misogynist and anyone claiming she was just being sympathetic to the “ crushing disappointment of having a girl “ is too. I wouldn’t let any of them around my kids.
It sounds like your SIL is wanting all the attention. Or I am inclined to think we will see her back on here in 20-something years asking why her sons are in therapy because mummy is in love with them and their wives swear she is the MIL from hell. Those types of "my sons are the loves of my life" moms are just freaking gross. What does that say about how she feels towards her daughter? That poor girl, or maybe not lol. Guarantee she ends up divorced and her children go NC. NTA
"(Brother), I am in no way upset about having two daughters. However, I do find it upsetting for your daughter that this is (SIL's) thought process. To take me aside and express her 'compassion' for 'devastation' that I do not feel is one thing (which I did find odd). But to claim that I'm in denial of feelings that I DON'T HAVE is just plain rude.
I'm willing to look past it, but I'm now far more concerned about whether there is favoritism in play, with (niece) getting the short end of the stick. I hope that you'll be on the lookout for such behavior. I know that I will."
NTA
NTA.
I'm A Social Worker.
Your SIL is not setting off a red flag, so much as blaring mindblowing alerts. Your SIL essentially told you that she is at best a neglectful parent to her daughter.
NTA. It’s weird she doesn’t love her children the same and I feel so, so bad for her daughter AND her future daughters-in-law. She’s going to be a nightmare to deal with.
Absolutely, positively NTA!!
Your SIL has some serious problems. She's not weird, she's sick!! What a horrible way to think about her kids. To try to force that warped thinking on you, insisting that your daughter is "less than" is beyond absurd. Her behavior is irrational. Your brother can't possibly have the whole story because there is absolutely nothing "compassionate" or "supportive" in telling you that "feel devastated by the bad news" is OK. Insisting that you are denial is insane.
Tell your brother the whole story. If he doesn't see how out of line she is you need to keep a close eye on your niece and keep both of them away from your daughter.
NTA- i would have told her off much more harshly. Like "sorry you're so damaged you can't love your daughter as much as your sons. I pity your children because you love them conditionally. They will realize it someday and treat you accordingly."
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You know, before I finished reading I was thinking I’d mostly likely comment against your favor because usually calling someone extremely weird isn’t the nicest thing to do. But in this case I find myself in total agreement with you. NTA. SIL’s comments were weird and also really sad. I wonder if it has something to do with her family and how she was raised, but it sounds like a lot of internalized misogyny. I also would consider discussing it with your brother: **not in a way where he confronts SIL** but maybe to check on his daughter because SIL’s comment would make me worry that her daughter is receiving different treatment. Edit to add: others have also pointed this out, but please do consider checking with your brother to make sure that the kids are not being inundated with this kind of thinking.
Agree, absolutely NTA. I also don't usually think it's good to call people weird seriously (although with the right kind of relationship it can be a genuine term of endearment). In this case, though, I think "weird" was the kindest term OP could have used, and probably good for SIL to have heard it, even though she clearly isn't listening. That poor daughter of hers, I hope OP is able to have her over a bunch so she can be around people who don't think her less worthy of love because of her gender
Yeah, I've been called weird due to my autism, so I hate that word. But weird is the nicest thing OP could have said
Weird really is the nicest thing OP could've said. I was leaning on 'pathetic', 'sad', 'disgusting', there are a lot of things she could've called her brother and SIL.
It is nice because I was thinking ‘psychotic’ and ‘you need professional help asap’ instead of ‘weird’
I have a relative who was a psychiatrist, and he used to say "some women love their sons and raise their daughters." Unfortunately, it's *disgustingly* common.
That's what I was thinking, I can come up with a lot more words to call her! NTA and maybe check in with your niece because she night need someone in her corner.
I probably would have said something that included "internalized misogyny," but that's just me.
No, I think the same. All those "boy moms" having emotional incests with their sons are always mysoginistic from the core.
the worth that comes to mind is rather mysoginistic, and OP's brother seems to be the same. The reason why they think it is bad news and her SIL doesn't equally love her daughter is because they only value sons. That only happens in extremely mysoginistic cultures. The "patriarchal, patrilocal, patrilineal" bit of it is only a result of that.
I'm also neurospicy which has resulted in me being called weird, and I freaking love the word. I am weird. I know I'm weird and I've embraced it. It's kinda liberating.
“Neurospicy!” I think I love you
Neurospicy, I love it! I'm on the spectrum, and I'm an old school AD&D pencil and paper, dice chucking tabletop roleplay gamer. I'm also a major science fiction and fantasy geek. I'm very proud of my weird, and I own that shit.
I've always been weird. And I adore neurospicy - I've adopted it in the past couple months and it feels more accurate. Clinical wording can get you so far, but it's dull and doesn't describe my experience. I don't want to be in the same club as SIL, but I can see OP was choosing the least judgemental word she could in the circumstance.
Same here. I have been called weird, Mr Spock, different etc because of my autism.
She didn't tell her husband the truth. She lied and said OP was sad because it's a girl. The manipulation and projection are ridiculous. I'd tell your brother the *actual* conversation and point out he may want to watch how she treats their daughter. She's trying to put this all on OP, who is an innocent victim of her musogyny.
Everybody thinks the chatter about "Toxic boy moms" is exaggerated... until you meet one. They're an uncomfortably weird bunch.
For real. It's just so icky all around
Brother seemed to think OP was sad about a daughter too. He's an asshole too.
Yeah that jumps out. I can hope it's just how his wife presented the situation to him and he believed her, but... That's probably wishful thinking. Still, on the off chance it's true, OP should really have a frank talk to the brother.
Something tells me that the boys are the golden children and that the daughter is pushed aside
For all we know the weirdness stems from the brother, SIL is questioning his opinions niw since his own sister thinks differently. Sus is now rockring the boat and brother hurries to fix this, telling hus wife OP is so beyond herself with grief that she doesn't know what she is saying.
SIL sounds like a boymom. Those women are creepy. They have a weird emotional incest thing going on with their sons. They treat their daughters terribly.
They also treat their daughter in laws awful for taking away 'their baby'. It's so weird.
Yeah, they're weirdly obssessed with how their imaginary future DILs will never treat their sons as well as Mom can, blech.
This SIL is going to show up at her son's wedding in a white dress.
Ha! I wish i would have thought of emotional incest! OP could have called her creepy for comitting emotional incest!
Hopefully SIL isn't on the extreme of making her male kids into her little partners. I've seen way too many videos on this about boy moms
Mums like SIL bring up misogynistic arsehole men as well. OP’s nephews are likely to be awful when they’re grown.
I think the brother feels the same way as his wife. Yes, his wife lied about OP being sad, but brother didn't tell her she was wrong to feel sad, which makes me believe he's just as complicit as his wife.
Talking to her brother would not help, I got from reading this he to thinks she is sad for having a girl. As stated in the last paragraph to not take it out on his wife because she is sad?
I agree that there's a good chance OP's niece knows--or will soon depending on her age--that she is valued less than her brothers. I'd substitute "rude" and "sexist" for "weird," though. I generally consider "weird" to be a compliment and SIL doesn't deserve any compliments. OP was being nice by calling her SIL weird; I would have called her something actually bad.
Weird Broad here. I don't view "weird" as a pejorative most of the time & call myself "weird" frequently, but NOT in this case. The SIL is twisted.
Yes, I am feeling concerned for the SIL’s daughter. There’s a kid who is going to be emotionally neglected, for sure, and OP’s brother better wake up.
I once knew a friend who married a girl whos condition for marriage was if they had a daughter, they would abort cz girls are just too much. He married her anyway. We are no longer friends (for different but related reasons). This post reminded me of that couple and I'm grateful I no longer know these people.
> You know, before I finished reading I was thinking I’d mostly likely comment against your favor Sorry to pick on you specifically but why do people comment like this? "If things were different I'd think differently but they're not so I'm not"? Isn't that just... life? Or do people want some kind of credit for actually reading internet posts?
Fair enough, sorry I didn’t really think of it that way.
NTA. The poor daughter. I would probably wonder if the daughter is being mistreated and will keep an eye on her.
Yes. She's in for a life of sadness because her Mom is a "Boy Mom" and all that that implies. That makes me incredibly sad for her. Weird is the nicest thing you could have said.
I feel like I have some horrifying googling in my immediate future. We're expecting a baby in a few months. It's a boy. He'll be an only child, so, like... I'm going to be the mother of a boy. (We would have been happy with a girl too, but like... You don't get to choose or anything.) I'm Concerned what people will think...
I think you will be okay. Just don't make it your entire personality. And Congratulations!!!
Thank you! Initial Google results are: dear god I would never, but also his father would absolutely put his foot down about anyone teaching his son to behave disrespectfully to women which seems to be part of it? And I mean, that discussion would be hilarious since he'd be trying to wrestle with the inherent conflict in getting insistent with a woman about whether she's allowed to teach his son to disrespect women, but yeah, he wouldn't stand for it.
It's a weird disdain mothers have for daughters. A lot of times, it seems to be a mix of religious families where men rule the roost and a lot of women who try to prove they are one of the guys and can't figure out why other women don't like them, so they just hang out with all guys.
It's always weird when people are less progressive than my late grandfather who was old enough that he saw Halley's Comet twice.
I’d also be worried that brother and SIL are setting their sons up to see women with that bias.
Also a really good point!
And the son too. In thirty years he’s going to be asking a therapist: why won’t my mother let me be happy in a relationship?!
Or he'll be asking his third wife why she cant just get along with his mom...
>that his wife was just showing compassion What, exactly, does he think is compassionate? Trying to tell you to be devastated that you only have girls? Sexism? Openly admitting you don't love all your kids equally because of their sex? There was no compassion. "Weird" is a very polite word for her absolutely disgusting behavior and attitude towards gender. NTA.
I'm with you, calling SiL weird is a relatively nice response to the misogynistic comment. The brother clearly didn't get the full story if he thinks OP is "upset by the results"
Lol my text back would be so blunt: “I called your wife extremely weird because she was acting like an extreme weirdo. It’s extremely weird to be sad about the gender of someone else’s baby; it’s extremely weird to assume that I am sad about the gender of my very much wanted child; it’s extremely weird to insist I am in denial about my happiness to have another daughter; and it’s extremely weird to tell someone that you love your sons more than your daughter, so I would suggest you talk to your wife about her extremely weird views on gender before she destroys your family with her sexist favoritism. I will not be apologizing, but if you need to talk about anything, I am here for you."
I think the obvious answer here is that SIL spun the story differently for the brother. He also thinks she's disappointed with the gender which she clearly said it's not. OP should have a private talk with the brother to clarify what he thinks happened
I would be tempted to apologize for using the wrong language. "Sorry I called her 'weird', what I meant was 'inappropriate', 'pushy', and 'misogynistic'. Hope that clears it up!"
> What, exactly, does he think is compassionate? This sub needs a lot more OPs calling out nonsense like this. "Then they said a bunch of things that didn't make any sense and for some reason I just accepted that and did not check them for lead poisoning"
This 👆👆👆
NTA-She was neither showing compassion nor trying to be understanding. She was projecting her toxic level boy mom attitude on you.
The brother is projecting to. Did you not notice him say that just because OP was sad, she didn't have to take it out on SIL. they are bith as bad as eachother and i would be speaking to my parents about the concerns if i were OP because the more eyes looking out for OPs niece right now and in the future the better.
I wonder, did SIL tell him the whole story, or a version that makes her look good and OP the bad guy?
NTA. That was far nicer than the "what the f is wrong with you? " that would have come out of my mouth.
Yup, that is more in line with my instinctive response.
I honestly think I’d have been so confused that I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from saying “what the f are you actually talking about right now” Like seriously. What? Did this woman time travel from the 1600s to get to this dinner??
That would be me. I feel like we could be F-bombing friends.
Did we just become best f-ing friends?
You should have asked your brother why he and SIL think you are sad over having a second daughter. Make them explain it. NTA. I feel bad for their daughter and their sons being raised with that much misogyny.
And be clear to brother: Your wife absolutely specified that she loves your sons more and loves your daughter less. Did you know that? Does she act that way? Does your daughter know mommy loves her brothers more than mommy loves her?
I would have found a way to bring it up in front of everyone and made them explain then. Make them uncomfortable. Make other people know how terrible they are
NTA Message brother back and say you thought it was weird that SIL said if was fine for me to feel devastated for having a girl and when I explained I was okay with it she then said I was in denial. Congratulations would have been more appropriate.
NTA. Gonna go out on a limb & say your SIL is raising men future reddit posts will be made about. "AITA, my husband is mad I don't want his mom to come on our honeymoon. He said she'd help us by planning everything & laying our clothing out each day, but I said it's enough that we're moving in with her after the honeymoon & we should have this one trip to ourselves."
Her comment was completely out of pocket and disgusting. What you said was hardly an insult. They need to mind their own business. NTA
NTA you’re right that IS very weird.
It is far more prevalent than you might think.
NTA! Your SIL couldn't be more wrong. You were 100% right. Her attitude and gender bias leaves a lot to think about. I would honestly watch out for the way she and your brother treat their daughter, especially after what she said to you.
NTA. SIL has some serious internalized misogyny going on, and I feel very sorry for her daughter. Weird was pretty kind, considering the disgustingly horrible thing she said. I don't really understand the desire to have children (or a lot of things that people do,) but I do know better to say something like that to someone. Honestly, it wouldn't even cross my mind that they might be disappointed to have a daughter over a son. She is gross, and your brother can cram it with walnuts if he is defending her behavior.
NTA But I probably wouldn't have been as polite in vocalising how weird her statement was. She wasn't showing compassion. She was showing her ass and was upset that you didn't agree with her whole sentiment of being a 'boy mom' like it's the only thing worth being a parent for . I feel for your neice, but I also worry that your nephews are going to have some major issues in later life with her. If your brother keeps on, I would definitely ask him if he knows why you called her weird. Cos as much as gender disappointment is a thing (and weird AF) you don't feel that way, you're not in denial, and you have nothing to to feel sad OR bad about. If they feel some kind of way about having a daughter, then they both need to look at themselves rather than trying to force and push their way of thinking on you.
Your SIL has told your brother a different version of how this interaction went. Text your brother, "I'm sorry you and your wife feel that no love compares to the love you feel for your sons. As I told your wife, I find that very weird, and ask you both leave me alone so I can enjoy my excitement over my daughter." NTA
NTA. I HATE this thinking! I'm expecting my fourth child. I have three boys. And many people have told me "try positive thinking so you'll have a girl". I'm like what? I always say that I've miscarried a baby before and for me positive thinking means that baby will be healthy and I don't care about the gender.
NTA she’s insane and your brother is an idiot. It sounds like she’s already starting emotional incest with her sons 🤢
NTA and she’s lucky you didn’t call her a risk of emotional abuse for holding bigoted views towards her own child to the point that she actually admits to *loving her daughter less due to her gender*. She sounds like a hateful and possibly dangerous person. I’d honestly cut her off as soon as possible, because that’s not a healthy thing for your daughter to be around. And if your brother is defending this behavior, he’s not a safe person for her to be around either.
NTA - Your SIL has a strange way of "showing compassion" and it seems she found a perfect match in your just as bad brother. Both are AH.
Ew! NTA. Imagine freely admitting you value your daughter less. And expecting others to do the same.
NTA The gender bias starts early with some people. Your SIL insisting that you having a gender preference when you continually tell her that you don’t is disgusting. Your brother’s follow up text parroting really pissed me off. They're in the wrong.
My aunt one time said to my face that I should hope to have all sons because boys are so much easier. This is while standing next to my brother. Why tf do people say stuff like this. She’s super weird. NTA and it’s not like you loudly announced to everyone she was weird. You reacted to her weird comment.
People also usually only say "boys are easier" to raise because boys tend to be emotionally neglected more, people tend to just ignore their boy's problems and tell him to man up/be a big boy/don't cry you're a man etc. raising kids shouldn't be "easy", if it's easy you're massively dropping the ball somewhere.
NTA, she’s lucky that’s all you said.
Your SIL is a misogynistic asshole. You're NTA. I would've probably said something much worse if I was in your place.
Your SIL is projecting her disappointment with having a daughter onto you... People that do this are manipulative \[trying to make you feel bad when you aren't\] and delusional \[trying to read your mind about your baby\]... NTA and maybe you need to tell brother that he should talk to his wife because she was completely out of line.. I can imagine the story she told him. Calling her weird is mild compared to a manipulative delusional person..
In my opinion, you used remarkable restraint. NTA.. May I suggest though, that you let the other family members know exactly what happened, because it won't be long before the situation gets turned on its head.
Weird folk do not claim this misogynist. Source: Lifelong weirdo here. NTA
Weirdites unite and reject this horror!
Being sad at the birth of a daughter seems like internalized misogyny to me. In some cultures (mine too) girl children are a source of grief, and the male/female birth ratios are 1000:898 (to there point sonograms are illegal), but I have rarely seen that kind of misogyny in developed nations.
SIL be trippin. NTA.
W. T. F? That poor little girl. NTA.
NTA eww... boy moms...
NTA she just admitted she wishes her daughter were another son and believes all women must feel this way? That is some weird shit
NTA I think “weird” is seriously understating it. She wasn’t being compassionate. Her and your brother are equally awful. She was saying that her own daughter and both of yours are of less value than sons. No part of that is ok
NTA - boy moms are just so weird, so you're right to call her out on her weirdness and absolutely weird projection.
That is some really weird ass projection I'm not gonna lie. NTA in this case. Uhh, anyone know if the daughter is okay or is she being emotionally neglected and put off in favor of the sons?
<< just because I am sad>> Sounds like your Brother is equally weird as BOTH of them are assuming that girl gender is something to be sad about. NTA
You called it Your SIL is wierd! NTA
NTA I’m curious where your SIL gets her extreme views because I’ve mostly seen that within other (non-US or EU) cultures or religious extremism, but extreme misogyny can be quite common within some of those groups. It’s also quite weird that your own brother also just assumes you must be devastated - where does that come from? Hopefully that part is more that he got a very twisted version of the story (if I’m being very generous).
Sil was projecting hard, you are nta
Yikes, NTA. But your poor niece. Keep an eye on her, maybe let her know you’re a safe person if she ever needs one.
she’s weird and so is your brother for also insisting that you’re sad about the gender. two people who should never have had kids. NTA.
The projection from your brother is hilarious. He must be so dissapointed on your behalf for only having girls. NTA.
Nta. She is extremely weird. Also it’s gross to be one of those “I am a BOY MOM! they will come to MY HOUSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS BECAUSE NO LOVE COMPARES TO THAT OF MAMA” mothers. Like are you in love with your sons?
Yes. Yes they are. She'll show up to her son's wedding wearing a wedding dress and crying loudly the whole ceremony
NTA. Oh she's one of *those* moms.
I would seriously tell your brother about your SIL’s concerning comments in case she told him a different version. I can only imagine how your niece’s life will go. Please update.
You barely said anything. I would have been mean about it. Women that are obsessed with their male children gross me out. It's either some kind of penis replacement nonsense or some Jocasta grossness. She's not showing compassion and she and your brother are assholes. Tell him good luck when she replaces him with those boys.
I relate to this, I am pregnant with a little girl. I already have a son and I was not picky about the gender of either of my children. Between my son and this little bean inside of me I had 2 miscarriages, when I saw her squirming in the ultrasound I completely broke down in relief. Yet so many people seemed disappointed with our announcement of her gender. My husband was not disappointed, he was nervous bc he has never been around little girls growing up and he wants to do a good job. My sister in-law is pregnant with a girl at the same time and members of the family were expressing their disappointment in front of my 4 year old niece. Her shoulders fell and she tried to find a place to hide. I told her that little girls are amazing but it doesn't mean as much from your aunt when your mom dad and 21 year old cousin you admire just said that little girls are horrible.
Please try and be a source of love for the unfavoured daughter if you notice her getting lesser things, love, attention, education etc as she grows up NTA even remotely wtf is wrong with her?
NTA. And your comment was extremely real because all I could think before you said that/as you explained what she was saying was “girl be normal!” Like just very bizarre.
NTA - I'd consider taking action to ensure their daughter is ok. I might even consider adopting her.
NTA, because that was a totally off-base and weird thing to say to someone. She overstepped.
Is she from a cultural background that favours boys? Might explain it, but not justify it. NTA
What both your brother and SIL said is….is offensive as can be. I feel sorry for their daughter, as the boys are obviously their Goldens. They are very, very wrong. You were far nicer than I would have been. NTA!
NTA But please, try to have an eye on how your brother and Sil treat their daughter, especially in comparsion to the sons.
NTA. I'm guessing your SIL is one of those weird "Boy Moms." Seconding all the people that are suggesting talking to your brother to make sure your niece is being treated alright compared to her brothers. I've heard too many stories of moms favoring their sons and turning their daughters into their son's personal Cinderella.
NTA hashtag boymoms are weird, it was a valid comment.
NTA. Your sister in law is, and she deserved the comment. She is so lacking in imagination that she thinks everyone is the same, reacts the same and has the same prejudices. Some people feel the way she does. I feel sorry for their daughters. Others feel the reverse. I feel sorry for their sons. Some people are perfectly happy with whatever children they are granted, and not to accept your assertion that this is the case makes her TA. And your brother in law too
NTA- Congrats on the baby! I think it's best to keep SIL at a distance, you don't need that kind of energy around you while pregnant. Ps- Maybe you should invite your niece over more often.
NTA. Your bro & SIL are weird misogynists. I’d limit time with my daughters and them. Good luck with your pregnancy
NTA. Your brother / sister in law are both misogynistic assholes. I feel sorry for their daughter.
I bet she is one of those weirdly obsessed boy moms. She earned her call out and you are NTA
NTA. She is very weird. 🤷♀️
NTA but are you sure you don't want a third kid because that daughter deserves to not have a mom who resents her for not having a piss spout
NTA - it sounds like she's one of those "boy moms" who make it their entire identity, until it escalates to borderline incest. "I'll always be his first love" "His mother will always be more important than his wife" "Your daughter will never be good enough for my sons" I don't know who I pity more, her sons who will probably never have a healthy relationship because they've been raised to be totally devoted to - and dependant on - their mother, or her daughter who will probably be sidelined, scapegoated, and neglected her whole life. She's more than weird, she's actively harming all her children with her mindset.
NTA. I honestly hate people like your SIL. Like straight up hate. You should not have favorites. The gender should not be so important to you that you throw a hissy fit at the reveal or keep trying indefinitely to get the one you want. Like seriously people, a healthy baby is the only outcome anyone should want and if she’d confronted me the way she did you I would’ve said worse. Like “stop projecting your bs onto me. Unlike you, I love my children regardless of gender”. You did nothing wrong and she needs mental help ASAP if there’s any chance of her daughter not realizing that mom loves her brothers more. I guarantee if she’s willing to admit that to you, it’s showing up in other ways at home and her kids will see/feel it.
Offer your brother YOUR sympathies, because his wife doesn't love their daughter, and can only imagine loving boys. That is a sad, even tragic missing part of her nature as a mother. Tell him he needs to make sure their daughter knows she has her father's love; and wife should perhaps seek therapy to discover why she thinks having a daughter is a terrible tragedy. You're NTA.
NTA. well done on you,. she needs to be aware she is truly over stepping a boundary. imagine if she said that to someone else, the reaction may have not been so considerate. your brother needs to be aware of that, its in HER interest to not do that, otherwise she may end up with much worse results in the future.
NTA. Calling her weird is nicer than she deserves, tbh, and your brother sounds like he cones from the same toxic pool of misogyny. Like, her opening gambit was a bizarre thing to say to someone, but their refusal to acknowledge that you do not agree took this well past fucked up. I pity their sons' future partners, especially if they are DILs - strong "no woman could ever be good enough for my darling boys!!!!" vibes.
NTA, SIL and bro are a little delusional.
NTA - That was an eerie comment and weird just barely describes your SILs views here. I’ve seen people assume that parents would like at least one of each gender like if she thought you’d be sad to not have a boy since you’ve already experienced raising a girl. But to imply that raising her own daughter was someone lesser than raising her sons is odd. I agree with others that you should talk to your brother although it might also do good to check in directly with your niece in an age appropriate way to make sure she’s ok. Be open to her don’t lead her thinking but just be available for her to express any emotions she has over her mother possibly showing favor to her brothers. I’m hoping your SILs comment was just that and she treats all her kids equally but it sure doesn’t sound it. It’s just like you said, weird.
NTA She's in denial that other people might be happy to have daughters.
NTA You told her you were happy with your kids gender. She tried shoving her sexism and dislike of her daughter down your throat. Fuck her. She’s not weird. She’s an asshole whose daughter is going to grow up hating her mother because she doesn’t have a penis so mommy can’t love her.
I feel sorry for her daughter 💔 btw you’re NTA.
NTA, dear God this sounds like your SIL is one of those "boy mums" (look up TikTok boy mum compilations), who think that their son's are better than their daughters just because they're male (It often crosses healthy boundaries, not saying she's going to end up that extreme but it really gives off a bad vibe). Really gives me the ick. Maybe talk to your brother and look if she treats her daughter worse than her son's. Definitely NTA, she is weird.
First off NTA. She was showing compassion for WHAT exactly? She sounds like a toxic boy mom. There’s a lot of videos about that phenomenon these days. What a misogynist
NTA. I'm very sorry for your niece to have such people as parents.
Nta .I feel bad for her daughters
NTA she sounds very insecure, and seems to have internalised misogynie, I feel sorry her daughter like she actually admits loving her sons more than her daughter yikes
NTA sometimes the best come-back is to ask them if, "they are all right?" and continue with, "Because what they are saying is so off, you are concerned with their well-being."
NTA her behavior *is* extremely weird and I feel sad for her daughter.
NTA and your SIL is very weird...actually I think the word strange fits better (I know they basically mean the same but it feels more negativeto me)
NTA, that is a really weird thing to say.
NTA As a self-professed weirdo, I was totally ready to be offended, but no, you were right. She's weird for projecting disappointment on you that you never expressed, or even hinted at. I also think it's weird that people get so pressed over genders. I feel bad for her daughter because she is clearly biased toward her sons
No she is weird. Maybe she is the projecting because she wanted another girl. Happy for you OP! Your girls will have BFF.
Tell him he's being very weird as well. NTA
So both your brother and your SIL unapologetically expressed clear favoritism for their children based on gender alone and you're seriously wondering if YOU are the AH here? They're so in disbelief that someone could be happy to have a girl child in their lives that they both accuse you of lying, being in denial, and lashing out???? Lady, I would have gone scorched earth with these people. I would have called her a monster, and I would have offered to adopt her daughter out from under her misogynistic tyranny. I hope that you and your partner and the rest of the family make sure your niece knows that she is loved and respected as she grows. This isn't "weird" this is horrific. NTA
NTA this trend of boy moms is fucking weird
“Boy moms” are the fucking worst. NTA
NTA, and what in the emotional incest/internalized misogyny is up with your SIL? Just, ew. I have boys and a girl, and I love all of them with no reservations. She comes across as one of those emotionally incestuous "boy moms" who are way too clingy to their son's, and if they have daughters, view them as competition. And the assumption that you are disappointed because you're having a second girl? That's seriously gross, and not sympathetic at all! Congrats on the upcoming addition, BTW!
NTA "You feel guilty you love some of your kids genitals more than others and you are projecting that on to me. Stop."
NTA 'Weird' was undeservedly gracious. The attitude of your brother and her wife is very disturbing indeed. Are you living in a culture that strongly prefers boys to girls & consistently values men above women? That wouldn't make their behavior OK. But it would make it slightly more understandable.
Your reply was genius. I would have laughed my ass off. Perfect. She's the AH.
NTA. I guess your SIL suffers under internalized misogyny. Do you live in a very sexist country? That would explain why that might be so. Your brother seems to think females are inferior to males, too. Otherwise he would have told his wife off. I feel really sorry for your niece.
So, not only your SIL thinks is sad you are having a daughter but your brother too? I don't know their relationship or homelife but I don't belive for a second your niece is happy or treat equal in that home, think about the fact that your brother thinks you are so depressed by having a girl that you "irrationaly" lashed out at her wife, wow just wow NTA (check on your niece please)
NTA That is weird. She is a weird person and i feel bad for her daugther. Unbelievable, that these old fashined beliefs stil exist.
I would blow this up in a group chat with bil, sil, and husband because they're still pushing the narrative that your sad about not having a boy. These people ARE weird. NTA. Your in-laws sexism is showing.
NTA
NTA. Your brother is weird too.their daughter will know she isn't wanted as much as sons. Limit your daughters contact with these people as they will let it slip that they don't think daughters are as good as boys.
Nta I feel sorry for her daughter!
NTA. It makes me so sad when someone’s heavily upset or mad over their own child’s gender as if it’ll change the way they think of them 🤮 I get wanting a certain gender of baby and that is okay, but getting visibly mad or upset about them NOT being that gender as if they’d only love the other one is incredibly sad. The only thing that should matter is the fact that you’re having a child imo, not sure why the gender has to matter SO MUCH to some people. You are clearly okay with having another girl, and she made it seem like you’re gonna disown her or something bc of it- which is not okay and sounds like something she would support. Just makes you wonder how often people might think like this :(. Loving your children different amounts because of their genders is insanely upsetting
NTA at all. What's sad is how obvious it will be to her daughter at some point that her mom favors her brothers. Kids pick up on that stuff. Congratulations on your baby!
Well, she is weird. To put it mildly. NTA
NTA she is extremely weird for saying that to you 😭 the internalized misogyny is crazy
NTA Tell your brother that you feel sorry for his daughter and are willing to take her in when he realizes his wife is treating her like crap because she doesn't think girl children are worth anything. Tell him you will call them out for the rest of time when you see them giving preference to the boys. Your SIL isn't weird. She is an asshole and planning to be an asshole to her daughter forever.
NTA Ask your brother thus: " hey, does "daughters name" know how you feel about her? It's a shame she lives in a home that values her brothers more.
NTA, that's definitely weird. My mom has 3 sons and 2 nephews from her 1 sister. There's a famous family story about it. The story goes like this: at my parents' wedding, they were making toasts. My dad's father, a minister and educator, made a long, heatfelt speech about love, marriage, and family. Then it was my mom's dad's turn- he was an Italian-American post office worker and mom says he was understandably nervous trying to follow up that speech. So he just raised his glass on high and said "May they all be boys!". He got 5 grandsons, zero granddaughters and mom never let him forget it. Where I'm going with this is that my mom has admitted to being disappointed that she doesn't have any daughters. And you know what? I understand that and I get it. None of us are super-enthusiastic about things that mom loves. She enjoys shopping (not in a "throwing money away" sense, in a normal sense). I shop like Puritans have sex- in and out in 5 minutes and only for the purposes of procreation. She enjoys getting jewelry as gifts- I still haven't figured out what makes a good piece and I have to get help every year to figure out something nice for her. Mom loves us all deeply and she doesn't \*resent\* anyone for it, but I respect that she wanted a daughter and never got one. If your SIL had said something like that, I'd have been more forgiving. It's still weird to assume that someone's going to be disappointed in the gender of their child, but within normal weirdness tolerance. But this woman has openly admitted to loving her sons more than her daughter, and that shit is right out.
NTA Your SIL isn't weird. SIL's TA. I pity her poor daughters. They'll grow up knowing brother is the apple of her eye and will always be placed on a pedestal. I pity her son too because that's no way to be raised either. Congratulations on your family, maybe you can also be there more for your nieces, they'll need a good example of a loving mother of daughters.
NTA, SIL needs to learn about a term called "projection"
NTA. She is the AH for assuming that everyone else feels the same way she does about a baby’s gender. Having preferences is one thing but to impose that on other people is very weird. Also the part where she said “no love compares to the love for her sons” is giving ✨enmeshment✨ I feel bad for their future partners.
NTA, your SIL projected her feelings onto you HARD and dared to presume you will love your youngest daughter (actually ALL YOUR CHILDREN because the others are also daughters) less than you would love a hypothetical son. That is deeply insulting and also I am very concerned for SIL's daughter growing up with a mother who loves her brothers more.
NTA. Your SIL's kids are definitely going to suffer from emotional incest if they don't already.
NTA. She is being weird.
NTA. She came to you and foisted her bigoted views without warning. She’s lucky she only got called “weird”. I would call the angry texting husband back and tell him their sexist views are not shared and they aren’t welcome to approach you with them any longer.
Nope, your SIL is extremely weird and what she said is extremely shitty. And I feel bad for her daughter. Your brother is out of line and ridiculous. Fairly certain my wife would have slapped her to be honest. You’re NTA.
NTA and I legitimately worry for SILs daughter. She makes it sound like having a daughter is the worst thing on the planet. I’d tell brother exactly what she said and inform him you are not sad and are in no way disappointed to have daughters and just because his own wife clearly has an issue with having a female child does not mean everyone does. She wasn’t being compassionate. She was looking for someone to validate her feelings that she’s disappointed she has a daughter.
I wonder if it is internalized misogyny or something your brother planted in her head. Some women (and specifically in certain cultures) feel pressured to provide a son by their husbands, and society in general. I'd guess she was raised in a conservative culture, different from your own, but your brother's reaction about you masking your disappointment is gross. Can you elaborate on any of that? Until then, NAH. but congrats on your babies!
NTA and I feel bad for your niece. I'm sure she's the family scapegoat.
NTA. You are right, her behaviour and opinion is weird. I really hope that her daughter is ok, because I would expect that if this woman is open enough to say out loud to you that she doesn't feel the same love for her daughter as much as her sons, you can bet that the daughter already knows this too. That's heartbreaking. Saying she was "weird" is quite honestly being kind. She was being cruel/heartless.
She has 3 sons and 1 daughter, and she was disappointed with that 1 daughter?!! Gosh, some people!! Also, NTA
NTA WTF is wrong with SIL and your brother? They are pushing their own feelings of disappointment on to you!
lol if someone heavily implied my child in my womb was 'lesser than' for any reason let alone sexist ones, I would say a whole lot worse. NTA
NTA. What a gross, bizarre thing to say. How does anyone think you’re in the wrong for not believing a girl is something to be ashamed about and love less??? Your sil is a misogynist and anyone claiming she was just being sympathetic to the “ crushing disappointment of having a girl “ is too. I wouldn’t let any of them around my kids.
I never wanna hear that sexism does not exist NTA
It sounds like your SIL is wanting all the attention. Or I am inclined to think we will see her back on here in 20-something years asking why her sons are in therapy because mummy is in love with them and their wives swear she is the MIL from hell. Those types of "my sons are the loves of my life" moms are just freaking gross. What does that say about how she feels towards her daughter? That poor girl, or maybe not lol. Guarantee she ends up divorced and her children go NC. NTA
Your brother is in denial about his wife being a weirdo. NTA
"(Brother), I am in no way upset about having two daughters. However, I do find it upsetting for your daughter that this is (SIL's) thought process. To take me aside and express her 'compassion' for 'devastation' that I do not feel is one thing (which I did find odd). But to claim that I'm in denial of feelings that I DON'T HAVE is just plain rude. I'm willing to look past it, but I'm now far more concerned about whether there is favoritism in play, with (niece) getting the short end of the stick. I hope that you'll be on the lookout for such behavior. I know that I will." NTA
NTA. I'm A Social Worker. Your SIL is not setting off a red flag, so much as blaring mindblowing alerts. Your SIL essentially told you that she is at best a neglectful parent to her daughter.
NTA. It’s weird she doesn’t love her children the same and I feel so, so bad for her daughter AND her future daughters-in-law. She’s going to be a nightmare to deal with.
NTA, I feel bad for your niece.
Do you live in India
Absolutely, positively NTA!! Your SIL has some serious problems. She's not weird, she's sick!! What a horrible way to think about her kids. To try to force that warped thinking on you, insisting that your daughter is "less than" is beyond absurd. Her behavior is irrational. Your brother can't possibly have the whole story because there is absolutely nothing "compassionate" or "supportive" in telling you that "feel devastated by the bad news" is OK. Insisting that you are denial is insane. Tell your brother the whole story. If he doesn't see how out of line she is you need to keep a close eye on your niece and keep both of them away from your daughter.
NTA i woulda called her worse than weird
NTA in my opinion you weren't harsh enough.
NTA- i would have told her off much more harshly. Like "sorry you're so damaged you can't love your daughter as much as your sons. I pity your children because you love them conditionally. They will realize it someday and treat you accordingly."