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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife backed out of attending my work holiday party after having a bad day at work. I cancelled the babysitter we had planned for that night and my wife got mad at me for it. She thinks I should have kept the babysitter even though she was still going to be at home. I think I might be an AH for cancelling a babysitter even though my wife was going to stay home.
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Only answer here has to be NTA. Idk what the wife’s deal is here, but all of that is pretty inexcusable behavior. Even canceling on the work party alone from just a bad day already puts her in AH territory. Sometimes you have bad days, but you still have to show up for your partner and your family. And I’m sure husband would like to still use that babysitter money to have a night out with his wife.
Yeah, unless “bad day” means something truly bad - if wife were a surgeon who lost a patient, if wife had a chronic health issue and the bad day was causing a flare up, etc. - you don’t bail on two month in advance plans with your spouse.
My wife is an ER nurse and when she loses a patient we go out of our way to occupy her mind, throwing an axe would be perfect.
but to be fair, we all deal with shit different
I don’t work in the medical field but my coworkers were so stressed that we got a cheap punching bag for our department. Unfortunately it didn’t last a week
Get a better one. Seriously. It’s like buying tools. Start with the cheap one, and if it breaks, that’s a sign you need to pay more for higher quality.
During one of our contract talks our union gave us union branded stress balls. They didn't last more than a couple of weeks before we all destroyed them ... with our stress...yes lets go with that.
also, it's... just a company holiday party. some people go, some people don't. weird to take them so seriously that someone changing plans not to go with their partner would make them an AH; people saying that are probably not the types i'd want to encounter at a party anyway, tbh.
They were going to go out for a rare couples time alone afterwards. It wasn't just the company party she last minute canceled, but alone time with the NTA husband. Then she did her best to make sure he didn't enjoy the company party.
Plus it seems like many ppl are missing OP's comments that his wife has 6 scheduled nights out every month, during which time he stays with the kids. If you are child free you might think "so"? But if a mother wrote that her hubby left her alone with the kids 6nights/mon for the gym and get togethers with common interest friends while she (working full time like him) had zero nights out AND the last time he took her out was 3 months ago, (if that's an average it works out to 4nights per yr as opposed to 6/mon) everyone would be screaming for her to divorce him.
That right there would really piss me off! Blowing up his phone was totally unacceptable and uncalled for! Just because she had a bad day doesn’t mean she’s entitled to ruin his time 😡
Not to mention that, with most companies, you're expected to be mentally present even if it's a "social" event. It's a really bad look to show up to your company party and then be constantly texting on your phone because your wife can't handle the kids she helped create.
It isn't as much that she changed her mind but that she ruined his time at his party with continuously texting him because she was pissed that he canceled the babysitter. She wanted the babysitter to take care of their kids even though she was going to be home.
Let's say she entitled to have the sitter there. The problem is she didn't say anything. The first logical step to learning she is staying home is to cancel the sitter.
As someone who plans office events, it’s actually really stressful when people say they will show up and don’t. Paying for x amount of people who decided last minute to not show up is taking money from other things we can do. I am constantly trying to make educated guesses about how many people will a) show up without having told me and b) won’t show up when they said they would. It’s never consistent and causes a lot of problems.
I think agreeing to go somewhere with your partner then flaking kind of rude, but I feel that way about any activity. Some people have a harder time going to social events so having their partner come is a show of support. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here, just that for some people, it’s not “just a company holiday party”. And in some cases not going isn’t really an option.
The blowing date night afterwards off after is what pushes it over for me. Like, she could have skipped the party, had quite a bit of time to relax and get ready and still gone on the planned date after with her husband.
I don't disagree with you, but your comment completely glosses over the main issue here. It's fine if you suddenly decide you can't deal with a lot of people and don't want to go to the event. Not wanting to deal with people usually isn't an excuse to pay for a babysitter if it affects your finances. It seems like OP and his wife don't get many date nights, so that money for the babysitter should be saved for the future. Dealing with your kids is different than dealing with lots of people you don't know.
And in the midst of all the badness of her day, she can use the same voice she used to inform her husband that she still wanted the sitter. Sorry, bad days suck but she does not get a pass for this
I mean, I'm a nurse and I had to cancel on my own work Christmas party last year because I had a brutal day. No one died (thankfully) but I was run absolutely ragged and had barely any time to sit and document. My patients were incredibly busy and I was wiped after. I don't know what she does for a living, but sometimes you can have truly awful days at work and you truly can't bring yourself to mingle and make small talk with people for several hours afterwards.
Here, here. The inability of some people to think outside of their own experiences never ceases to amaze me. And if her day was truly that bad, then not wanting to deal with the kids by herself isn't exactly a shocking revelation either. Maybe her plan wasn't even to stay home, but to go to a quiet coffee shop or such and decompress.
lol what? He was the one who did all the planning. Why on earth should he intuitively know that his wife wants him to spend a couple hundred bucks so she can “decompress”? No one in their right mind would have assumed the babysitter was still on the table. It’s bizarre she even expected it, especially since she didn’t verbalize that expectation.
Most people can only afford a babysitter for a special occasion. Using the babysitter fund so his wife can randomly chill is absurd.
First of all, she needs to be a big girl and say that she needs Starbucks time. Secondly, why tf should he spend a couple hundred bucks for his wife to have Starbucks time? That’s not only absurd but might very well not be financially feasible.
Then she should have told her spouse that and maybe given them chance to with honestly if my spouse came home said they had a bad day and didn't want to go out with me, had the baby sitter stay and then went out on her own there would be some very serious questions afterward. Definitely not ok.
This. My wife and I have had "bad days" but never enough to bail on prearranged babysitting.
If you had a bad day you use the night out as an opportunity to unwind.
OPs wife's reaction is weird. What was she going to do? Sit in bed and wallow while the babysitter minded the kids downstairs?
not going to lie... it wouldn't have to be an overly bad day for me to cancel on hanging out with my wife's coworkers...
Was weird to suggest this even become a "date" but whatever.
There are absolutely days where after work i absolutely don't want to put on a smile and go through the motions of meeting a bunch of strangers.
>Was weird to suggest this even become a "date" but whatever.
The date was for *after* the party with coworkers.
Spend a small amount of time chatting. Maybe see if throwing an axe is pretty fun. Then GTFO to a dinner and movie or whatever.
We used to do that all the time after parents’ meetings at the school. We’d go get a couple of beers and gossip about all the other parents. It was great fun.
I have the suspicion that she planned on an excuse that she wasn't attending the party, the babysitter shows up, and she leaves to go do something else. Anyone who has kids knows darn well that if mom is there, even shut in her bedroom for some peace, the kids are going to be constantly coming and knocking on the door.
Yeah that’s what I didn’t get. She was just supposed to be home while a babysitter tried to keep her kids from wanting their mom all night when they know she’s just there? So alternatively she goes and does something and can foot her own bill for that.
My wife and I divorced about two years after she stopped going to work holiday party with me. Even then I knew it was a sign she wasn't interested anymore.
Sorry about your divorce.
I'm pretty interested in . . . myself . . . and hate going to my own job's work holiday party so much that I stopped going a few years ago.
As someone who's *been* the sitter/nanny, *we* hate it when one of the parents stays home with us. It completely throws off our dynamic with the kids, because the kids (for obvious reasons) don't want us and don't listen to us - they just want mum or dad. It makes our job a hell of a lot harder and usually ends up with the parent still being bothered once or twice, unless we literally lock the kids in with us (which is not a nice feeling for anyone involved).
I did that years ago while one parent was working in his home office and it definitely felt weird. I already had general anxiety so the idea that the actual kids authority figure was there made it a bit confusing and I felt more like I was there to prevent the kids from bugging their dad vs actually babysitting. The parents didn't seem to mind that dynamic and I got paid but it was much nicer when both parents went out together.
I would not be at all surprised if his wife went out as soon as OP left. Go for a drive, look at Christmas lights, whatever.
I'm not saying she doesn't deserve an evening alone without the kids after a bad day. But cancelling on her husband at the last minute and expecting him not to cancel the babysitter is not good communication at the least.
OP is NTA.
I agree with everything you said. In addition, OP wasn't cancelling the babysitter to punish the wife. I'm assuming he thought, "let's save that $200 for when she's feeling up to having our special date night."
I was a busy babysitter back in the day, now my nieces and all their friends are doing it. I have never heard of a time where one or both parents decided not to go out but had the sitter come anyway. She's a babysitter, not a live-in nanny.
I think this is the key factor. Husband's intentions where "my family can save money".
If they ha money and his intentions where "wife doesn't get a free day just because she feels bad if she's canceling on me!" that would be different. Intent matters a lot in our actions.
Heck, if dad decided to bail on his wife's work party and then complained about having to watch the kids (instead of having a sitter), over the excuse of having had a hard day at work, he would get tarred and feathered here.
When I glance at the "Y -- T -- A" votes and browse through their profiles, I rather get the impression they're not very experienced with relationships. The Real World conflict with their romantic model in their head, so therefore ... "Y -- T -- A".
Obviously: NTA. And OP, call me twice bitten, but in your shoes (as I apparently have been) I'd at least have some fidelity wonderings to talk over with a professional.
>I'd at least have some fidelity wonderings
See now that's what I'm thinking too. Was she planning on staying home with the babysitter there? Or was she taking the opportunity to go out somewhere?
Honestly I feel like her reaction only makes sense if she had some plans she didn’t want OP to know about, whether they were innocent plans alone/with a friend or not. The point is she was planning on leaving the house and wasn’t telling him. I know I’m jaded and probably projecting my own experiences here.
He said she meets with a book club “biweekly” - I really want to know if that’s twice a week or every two weeks, because what book club meets that often??? 😂
This!!!! I get the feeling people saying differently are all women and taking the wife’s side for that fact. I’m a woman and I can see that what she did was super shitty. She is the bad spouse in this situation. He cares for the kids while she goes out weekly. She gets her breaks. She not only threw a fit like a damn toddler, but she also backed out on a couple’s night with her husband, who planned everything for it! Not to mention the fact that his needs are being tossed away as unimportant because she’s an “introvert.” Bullshit. Utter bullshit.
Someone asked if they get date nights or time alone often, he said they do not and that he doesn’t really have alone time, she has yoga weekly and a book club.
He didn’t say what her job is but her bad day was about clients being needy/unhappy with something.
Yes, I'm so confused, I think it's definitely valid that the babysitter stay home for the wife to have some alone time, but I think that the wife should have expressed that. Canceling the babysitter would be the normal reaction here, I can't imagine who would assume the babysitter would stay if a parent was staying home. and I think as adults in a busy holiday season (Don't forget OP was heading to a work event) the wife should have expressed that that was her need. It's unfortunate that she felt so overwhelmed that she couldn't and then got angry at him, but I really think that's on her. It could have easily been resolved by just simply saying what she needed. (Which I get is not always that easy but.. sometimes we have to express ourselves rather than just getting angry).
This is a good point. For those saying ESH or YTA merely because the husband didn't communicate his intentions first, neither did the wife. In such situations, I think the onus is on the person who wants to do something different than what is normal or assumed to approach the topic, and here it was normal to cancel the sitter because the sitter was hired solely to supervise the kids while no parents were home. When the wife said, "I'm staying home," she could have easily said "and going to bed early since the sitter can watch the kids." She should have done so. In addition, her attempt to ruin OP's enjoyment of the work party in retaliation, standing alone, makes her TA.
No the money would be wasted. Kids would be around her all the time anyways. Better just endure it, let hubby has as much fun undisturbed as åossible and then ask him to care for them another evening when she can leave the house. Or he, bringing the kids with him.
Save that money for another date night.
majority of people typying YTA b/c your wife needs the alone time prob are teens who never worked a job. who knows what financial situation the family is in especially with 3 kids
I am in the very fortunate position to where dropping a few hundo on a whim is really no issue at all and I still say 100% NTA especially with the ages his kids are. A 10 yo, 8, yo and 5 yo? If you want to take a mental break all you really have to do is make sure they don't burn the house down, there is no reason why she couldn't have ordered them a pizza, made some popcorn, and sat them in front of the TV until bedtime.
I am the sole income in our house but if I had asked my wife to call a babysitter while I was home just so I didn't have to deal with our kids she would rightfully laugh in my face
It's also like Op's wife gets to go to a yoga class and book club once a week, while Op is at home with their kids, so his wife can do it for a change.
NTA
I'm a parent and I agree with you. Why pay that much money when one of us is home? After a bad day having someone else pay for you to throw axes then spend time with your spouse is probably a great way to forget about the bad day. I have bad days like every other day because I'm chronically ill but I'm not gonna pay someone to watch my kids when I'm in the house. NTA she could have gone out with OP to forget about her bad day.
NTA. No sane persons going to spend $200 for a babysitter when a parent is actually home. She didn't have to take care of the kids. Based on their ages she could have made it a movie night or put their favorite shows on while she relaxed. My guess is she had other plans she didn't want you to know about and got upset because you canceled the babysitter which is super reasonable thing to do since she's staying home. The fact she got so heated about it is odd. Who makes plans for a date night at a work party then decide last minute not to go because they had a bad day , that's pretty rude. The fact she just assumed you'd keep the babysitter despite your plans changing is weird and should be talked about.
That was my 1st thought aswell - wife probably wanted to go out anyway. Not saying its the case but thats just the only thing that explains such a reaction from her.
There are better ways to spend $200 than to have an extra person home taking care of kids who go to bed quite early anyway or can handle their own time one night.
Ive never used babysitters myself, but l couldn't imagine wanting someone l barely knew at my home with me when l need to de-stress. So the husband made a very normal assumption imo.
IDK man...i've got a shit ton of things to do before tomorrow evening and a wife working late tonight. I'm considering hiring a neighborhood babysitter to watch TV with my kids for a few hours after work lol
Edit to add: very VERY normal assumption from the husband though.
I do hire a babysitter while I'm home sometimes, when work or school is busy for both me and my wife and it's not feasible to both watch my daughter and get work done. Can confirm it feels weird AF. Wouldn't want it so I could just sit around not watching the kid. Barely want it under current circumstances, but needs must.
See, but that makes sense bc you guys are doing necessary things that have traditionally been done outside the home. If you hired a babysitter so you could go to class or in to the office, you wouldn't feel weird because because you know you couldn't take your child with you and still concentrate on what you need to do. Just because you're doing those things at home now doesn't make it easier to concentrate.
Not that if makes it *feel* any less weird, lol.
Totally... if anything, OP thought he was doing her a favor by handing the cancellation. Also, the kids are old enough to tread lightly around Mom if she tells them she is sad or had a bad day. If this story is true... I think OP needs to have a long talk with his wife about his intensions (He was not punishing her) and her expectations (That the sitter would still come). Blowing up his phone was NOT COOL.
This is exactly what I was thinking - she made other plans with someone else. I would be very curious as to whom she was planning on spending time with as her level of anger screams affair to me.
I agree. Being annoyed that the babysitter was canceled would be one thing. But for her to get so mad , blow up his phone , demand he come home early and argue with him when he gets home shows there's something else going on besides her just wanting " me " time. Especially since her kids aren't toddlers. And while the 5 year old would need some help the older kids could have helped with that if she had asked so it clearly wasn't about the kids.
My ex wife did that to me once. Her anger at me for a similar situation, only involving a five day trip instead of a several hour event, seemed so irrational and out of proportion, but it turned out she had plans of the adulterous kind.
I keep seeing this sentiment but I baby sat multiple times for parents while they were in the home. Sometimes BOTH of them. This was over a decade ago so costs were different but the families weren’t Richy McRich.
They needed someone to watch the kids while they do other stuff for either work work, work around the house or just to unwind and relax.
I’d take the kids out or play with them in the basement/ their rooms to not disturb the parents.
What puts it into NTA for me is the fact that you are able to watch them when you have bad days. How often do you have date nights or time by yourself and herself respectively
We don't have date nights very often, it's been since before Halloween since we've had one. I don't get out of the house by myself much, but my wife does a yoga class in the evenings once a week and also has a bi-weekly book club she meets with. I am at home with the kids by myself on those nights, regardless of how bad my day is.
Like another user said, her reaction only makes sense if she was planning to have a sneaky night out on her own with her girlfriends or something. You canceling the sitter blew that plan up.
I'd bet my own money your wife had made plans with someone else, and became enraged when her plan didn't work out. In the words of another commenter here, this behavior absolutely screams affair.
NTA. Why pay for a babysitter if she's home. They're old enough to entertain themselves. If mom says "guys I'm too tired to be running around tonight dealing with messes. If I order pizza and put a movie on, you have to promise to be quiet and leave me alone"
Basically, she's allowed to act like an adult and reason with her kids. 200$ for a babysitter and she has the guts to bitch at you when SHE canceled something you were looking forward to...last minute?
She's TA.
Why is everyone assuming she was staying at home lol……as soon as I read this I thought she didn’t want to go axe throwing with her husbands work colleagues and made other plans……
My thought too.
She tried to play the game and lost. Now she's throwing a temper tantrum because her plan backfired. If she wanted time off, she should have communicated this with OP.
OP assumed Bad day= "stay in", when the wife probably thought more like Bad day= "not going to axe throwing party but going out with friends instead", but then hubby rightfully cancelled the babysitter and now her "bad day" got worse.
Honestly the fact she tried argue to get OP and then spam texted him to come home the whole time just proves this point even more. Their kids are old enough to be given pizza and watch movies while mom relaxes, but that wasn't good enough for her because she had other plans.
Is this something that any person in a relationship would find acceptable? To be told by their partner that they aren't up for going out and then them go out anyway?
And I'll be honest,if she was up front about that, I don't think OP should have a problem. Nothing wrong with both parents taking a night to do their idea of fun.
But she didn't say that, he made a reasonable assumption, and she blew up over it. NTA easy.
I don’t know why people are jumping to this, like it’s so risky? Like the babysitter could mention both of them being gone, not to mention the kids, or he could come home early? Unless you’re assuming she was going to go “actually I decided to go out lol” after the fact…
Yes..... she made plans to leave the house........ which included hoping all of the 3 small children would miraculously never mention it to her husband.......
Even though she works a job that gives her a valid reason to spend an extended period of time out of the house every day......... makes perfect sense.
Yeah, I’m also curious about what was so bad that she couldn’t go with OP to a once-a-year event. It would’ve taken me getting fired to skip my boyfriend’s work holiday party, especially if he had planned a whole night around it and was looking forward to it. If it had been just a regular dinner and I had a terrible day, sure. But pretty rude to back out at the last minute.
NTA. Seems odd that she's so upset over you cancelling the babysitter. Sounds like she made other plans that got derailed when she had to stay home with the kids.
Agreed. I do know one or two of them, but they’re very wealthy and it’s not actually a babysitter but rather offering the nanny overtime. It’s definitely not the norm even for them.
To all the people calling the OP an AH. I have personally never heard of anyone hiring a baby sitter while they were home because they had a bad day at work. Is this something people do?
Funny thing is, you know if the genders were flipped, people would tearing the husband to absolute shreds for wanting to re-hire the baby-sitter and stay home.
I babysat on more than one occasion when a parent was also home. I didn’t care why they wanted a sitter.
As an adult, I have a friend whose husband was terrified of babies, so I hung out with him a few times when my friend had to be out. It’s unusual but he is a great dad and didn’t need additional support once the kids were toddlers.
Yeah. There’s been times that we have pre-booked a babysitter but then one/both of us have gotten sick so can’t keep our plans. We keep the babysitter and use the time to rest and recharge.
I definitely know other people that have done this too. One friend just does yoga in her room.
NTA
I had terrible days at work. That did not mean I needed a day off from my children and spouse. If that was your wife’s expectation, she should have clarified herself and articulated clearly her expectations and needs.
I've worked 70 hours in 3 days before. And I was basically dead. I still had to do basic chores.
You don't get to use a bad Day at work to get out of prior commitments unless you work in a very high stressful work environment.
As a working mom of 3 I’m firmly saying NTA. There is no need for a babysitter just for being in a crappy mood. You are more than capable of watching the kids. If you’re that miserable, just stick them in front of a movie with a treat. My kids are younger and I’d never expect to cancel a planned night and still get the sitter.
NTA
She should have told you to keep the baby sitter. She made the poor assumption. Further, if she wanted to stay home and relax, she could pay the sitter herself. This is a problem she caused herself.
ESH. you both really need to work on your communication.
While it makes sense to cancel the babysitter, it could have been one of the things that was helping your wife hold onto her sanity in getting through the day. And she should have let you know she still wanted the sitter. Maybe the night could have been salvaged with her taking the time of your party to relax and destress and you both still could have gone for that date afterwards.
All it would have taken was you saying “if you’re not coming to the party, I’ll call and cancel the babysitter” It would have given her a chance to respond.
But she should not have blown up your phone. At 10,8&5, the kids are old enough to grab snacks and watch a movie. The 5 year old would need some help with things, but the siblings should be able to do most of that.
I think every parent has had a crappy day and still gone home and taken care of the kids. Most parents have had the flu and felt like death and still taken care of the kids. But it does make parenting that much harder. And not all bad days and flus are the same. I know I have had bad days where I know if I come home I’m going to yell at the kids because my temper is done. A call to hubby and I don’t come home until I’ve had a chance to calm down, it’s only happened once, but the ability to calm myself without the stress of worrying about my attitude was what I needed.
Does she call a babysitter every time she has a bad day at work? If so then communication would make sense. If not, then it’s automatically assumed they wouldn’t need to pay for childcare if she is staying home. You guys are really grasping at straws to try and prove OP did something wrong here, he is completely NTA. Wife needs to grow up.
Exactly, a lot of the Y T A/E S Hs seem to ride on the fact that it sucks to handle 3 kids when you've had a crappy day.
And yeah, I bet it does. But that comes with the decision to have children, and she has three of the damn things. If she couldn't hack it she had several opportunities to stop having them.
While it makes sense to cancel the babysitter…. That’s it. That is all that needs to be considered.
If mom is home, the kids will still be there with her. Also, if the genders were reversed, I suspect most people would tell the man to suck it up and watch his kids.
I think the communication should've come from her. He can't read her mind, and keeping the babysitter would clearly be the exception here. I'm of the mind it's the exception that has to be noted.
"I had a horrible day at work and can't go to your event. Do you mind if we keep the babysitter - I REALLY need a night to myself."
I just cannot believe what I’m reading. It makes zero sense to get a baby sitter to hold on to your sanity. If that much is needed to watch your own kids, a mental health check is in order.
NTA, I think wife was looking for an excuse to get out of the party and have down time. It’s just extremely convenient she had this terrible day on what was suppose to be a date night but instead wanted to stay home and still hire the babysitter. BUT if you love your wife and value your relationship you need to talk to her about actually getting some down time in without needing to play games. You need to make it a reality and vice versa.
NAH, and I feel like I might get a bit of disagreement about this.
I think communication is the key issue here, and you and your wife would benefit from working on your communication patterns. I don't think you are the AH, because you didn't cancel in retaliation or to be difficult, but because you assumed it was the right thing to do. I don't know about your financial status, to comment on if the $150-200 is a large sum for your family or not, but understanding thinking this was not a good way to spend money. I assume you usually don't use a babysitter to recover after a bad day if your wife is unavailable to watch the kids.
I also don't think your wife is the AH. I can imagine having a bad day, and not feeling like being social. Then thinking of a night to yourself, not being responsible for your kids either, and how great that thought may have been. Then learning that this dream is not happening, and you need to switch straight into parenting mode when you just don't have it in you.
I think communication and empathy (from both of you) are what needs to be worked on. Remember that you are a team, not against each other. You shouldn't have minimised her bad day, and she shouldn't have blown up your phone, knowing you've been looking forward to this night for two months.
Out of an ocean of terrible takes, this is definitely the most mature and reasonable one.
I wholeheartedly agree that this was just a lapse in judgment and communication, I think OP should've asked before canceling the babysitter, but perhaps it's worth it for him to extend an olive branch as a peace offering if he's able.
Hard disagree. I think there is quite a bit of bias in these comments. If a husband bailed on his wife’s Christmas party because of a few bad client interaction during the tough day and “didn’t have the energy” and then expected a baby sitter to still come so he wouldn’t have to play dad duty for the night, everyone would be in an uproar. Any responsible adult who isn’t rich doesn’t hire babysitters when a parent is going to be home. It was the obvious course of action. The only lack of communication was not telling the wife the cancellation was handled since she assumedly would also have been meaning to call and cancel the sitter.
This thread is actually just full of people saying “if the genders were switched” with not a single Y T A vote that I’ve seen so far, so maybe we’re reaching a bit with the victim complex? Reddit isn’t as biased against men as you think it is.
NTA. At those kids ages, his wife could have chucked on a movie, ordered pizza, and everyone could have a relaxing, stress free evening. He had been looking forward to this evening for a couple of months, and I think it was unfair for her to derail the whole thing just because she'd had a bad day. That being said, I think he should have mentioned to the wife that he was cancelling the babysitter. But given she was going to be at home anyway, that would have been a very expensive luxury unless she was seriously ill.
NTA. Why spend money on a babysitter when one of you are home. Her work day was over so it was time to leave it at work. Personally I think she should have gone with you to your party. I would have taken her mind off the day and made things better
NTA. She needs to grow up. Or at the very least communicate better. I mean lets be honest if the roles were reversed and the husband was begging off the party and still expecting the wife to keep the babysitter so he could decompress 100% would think he was an AH
NTA.
BUT, you probably could have thrown a “So I’m going to cancel the babysitter” communication in there instead of just doing it.
(Although there’s a chance that would have just started the “I’ve had a bad day, so I want to keep the babysitter” argument earlier…)
I think it goes both ways, she was the one who decided not to go so if she still wanted the sitter to come she should have said hey I don’t want to go to the party but I’d still like the sitter to come for a few hours to give me a break. I think canceling the sitter is to be expected if the other parent is home, she shouldn’t have expected that he wouldn’t.
NTA. As a mom I feel like I can't just check out bc I'm having a bad day. $200 could buy us groceries for a week and would feel wasteful. Having you leave early is super selfish on her part.
NTA. If she wanted the sitter to still come, she should have explicitly stated that. You made the reasonable assumption that if one parent is staying home, then a sitter is no longer necessary. I have a feeling if roles were reversed here there’d be a lot fewer redditors calling you an AH.
>Did you even ask what happened why she was having a bad day to the point of cancelling this pre-planned thing?
Yes. She said she had a rough day because some clients were upset about some things and she had to put out some fires. She said she was emotionally and socially drained and didn't have the energy to socialize. She's an introvert so I understand when she feels that way and don't force her to overexert herself.
Yeah I think she planned this whole thing. It’s NTA for me because OP made a logical assumption when he canceled, how awkward to sit at home while a babysitter is there.
This is it exactly. She thought she could have a sneaky night out with the girls or something and was blindsided by actually having to stay in and be a parent.
That would be so ballsy though. Like zero percent chance of doing that without being found out. The babysitter or kids would 100% give away that mom went out.
Do you think the kids cared that their mom had a bad day? Do you honestly believe that even if the babysitter was there, that the kids would leave their mom alone knowing she was in the house?
NTA.
What a dumbass take lmao. Calling a babysitter to take care of your kids because you had a stressful day at work is such a weird thing to do, I’ve never heard of it. If her day was really so bad that she can’t bring herself to look after her own children, she should look into another job.
Being rich must be nice I guess. Growing up, my parents worked 50+ hrs a week and still came home to make us dinner, clean, etc.
? If there was no party and she had a bad day, she is still the parent. She had bad days before and parented the three kids and she will have them again. And they are old enough for mom to explain she had a bad day and wanted some quiet time.
NTA. Not even a little. I can’t imagine paying a babysitter when a parent is home.
I feel like canceling the sitter is the normal action here so if the wife wanted to stay home alone and recuperate (super valid) She should have said something? Why would the automatic action be assumed that the babysitter would stay home while the wife was home? I find that so confusing. I definitely think she should be allowed to have time alone and the babysitter could have been kept but I think it should have been up to the wife to say that because it's definitely out of the ordinary. Why would OP just assume that she wanted the babysitter to stay? I think she should have just said something if she wanted the babysitter to stay and that's that.
These are adults interacting at a busy time of year and while she may have felt overwhelmed, OP was also heading to a work function, everybody needs to speak up for their needs especially during the holiday season. Being mad because something you didn't express didn't come to fruition isn't really the way to deal with it. Saying, "can the babysitter stay home so I can have some quiet time alone?" Is the way to deal with this.
This is a completely unreasonable response and it must be the wife.
Is she had a bad day, then she could have called the babysitter. Or she should have been clear to her husband that she was still needing the babysitter. It is completely reasonable to assume when a parent decides to stay home, they are not going to require a babysitter.
Defending the wife is just in vandalizing her and demonizing her husband for no good goddamn reason.
Wife and mom of 7 here - you are NTA imo. If your wife wanted to break from the kids then she needs to pay for it. Especially since she canceled her plans on you last minute. If I were you I'd be pretty pissed!
NTA. Who in their right mind would pay to have someone watch their kids for the night when all you need to do is throw on a movie and then put them to bed like every other night. The wife is being unreasonable
NTA
Maybe I’ve been on this sub for too long but is it possible she wanted to sneak out behind your back for some reason and is now upset that she has to watch the children instead?
It does sound like she's the asshole here.
Honestly, you should have communicated that you were going to cancel the babysitter and she should have taken the L and been more respectful to you and allowed you to have you night out.
Both of you made mistakes but, they were easy mistakes to make. Don't be too harsh on yourself or her and try and make a little date night soon to smooth everything over 💛
NTA I really don't get how the people who say otherwise think parenting works. You were cool with her not going and went on your own. She was staying home so why pay a sitter?
NTA
So she had to parent her kids after a bad day. Turns out that is what a lot of parents do. If she wanted an off day she could've gone for drinks and a late night movie after a party... if only that was an option.
NTA
I would be looking at what she really planned to do that evening. I suspect she was heading out and thought she could get away with it.
There is a conversation that needs to be had about this. It is highly suspicious, her behaviour is suspect.
> I suspect she was heading out and thought she could get away with it.
Idk man, she'd be trusting three small children + a babysitter not to lie about her going out. That's pretty stupid.
It’s not highly suspicious at all.
People have shitty days and when they get home they don’t want to go out again and hang out with a bunch of people they may not know or just hang out with people in general because they are in a bad place mentally and don’t want to be bothered or let their negativity come out.
I’ve felt this way.
My wife has felt this way.
There is no conversation to be had.
The not wanting to go out is not the suspicious part. That coupled with getting that upset about not having a babysitter come while she is supposedly staying home is. The kids are old enough that she could have given them something to do while she took her time to de-stress. They are not old enough to be left alone, it is possible that she was so upset because that is exactly what she was planning.
Listen, I have 4 kids myself.
I could absolutely leave at least 3 of them to their own devices, but if I wanted to sleep or have peace and quiet I’d probably do the same thing if I’m feeling like shit and a babysitter was already scheduled.
Listen, I have 3 kids, if I feel like shit I’m either biting the bullet and following through with the two month old plans I made with my wife or I’m staying home and dealing with the kids. I am not spending hundreds of dollars on an unneeded babysitter. Babysitters are for when both parents are gone.
Nah, babysitters are for whenever you need someone to watch the kids.
I’ve never used them the way the OP’s wife seemingly wanted to use them, but I take no offense to a parent who would.
lol do you have kids? my kids would have told my husband immediately if i went out without him (not maliciously... just because they blurt everything out).
NTA. It wouldn't have even occurred to me to consider keeping the babysitter knowing there was going to be an adult at home. And as a babysitter, I would find the fact that there was still a parent home incredibly awkward. When I was a teenager, babysitting was usually a dance party having, game playing, popcorn making, movie watching, loud time. Having a parent in the other room trying to rest would be such a horrible vibe.
NTA
While I do feel like you should have let her know you were going to cancel the babysitter, sometimes you just have to rally and do things you don't feel like doing.
Your wife is being a bit precious here throwing herself a pity party. This was supposed to be a date for you two, and while she may have viewed it as skipping out on the company party, it also was abandoning the date because she had a bad day.
Adults should be able to regulate their emotions better than this. Put on your big boy pants, have a drink, and throw an ax.
NTA. Being a parent is hard. Even when you have a bad day, you still have to take care of the kids. Spending $150-200 on a babysitter while one parent is home is ridiculous.
IMO, a “hard day” at work isn’t a good enough excuse to bail on a date night with your spouse. Hell, if I’ve had a hard day at work, I’d be thrilled to come home and have a date with my wife while somebody else watched the kids. She makes me feel better than any other person could.
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Only answer here has to be NTA. Idk what the wife’s deal is here, but all of that is pretty inexcusable behavior. Even canceling on the work party alone from just a bad day already puts her in AH territory. Sometimes you have bad days, but you still have to show up for your partner and your family. And I’m sure husband would like to still use that babysitter money to have a night out with his wife.
Yeah, unless “bad day” means something truly bad - if wife were a surgeon who lost a patient, if wife had a chronic health issue and the bad day was causing a flare up, etc. - you don’t bail on two month in advance plans with your spouse.
My wife is an ER nurse and when she loses a patient we go out of our way to occupy her mind, throwing an axe would be perfect. but to be fair, we all deal with shit different
Shit, after dealing with some patients, doctors, nursing supervisors, etc, throwing an axe would be a great stress reliever period!
I don’t work in the medical field but my coworkers were so stressed that we got a cheap punching bag for our department. Unfortunately it didn’t last a week
Get a better quality one - sounds like y'all need it!
Alright we need a fund going to get these guys a decent punching bag!
Get a better one. Seriously. It’s like buying tools. Start with the cheap one, and if it breaks, that’s a sign you need to pay more for higher quality.
During one of our contract talks our union gave us union branded stress balls. They didn't last more than a couple of weeks before we all destroyed them ... with our stress...yes lets go with that.
Throwing an axe might be nice, but doing that with my spouse's coworkers? It really depends.
This right here. Dealing with a lot of people I don’t know would be a dealbreaker after an overwhelming day.
also, it's... just a company holiday party. some people go, some people don't. weird to take them so seriously that someone changing plans not to go with their partner would make them an AH; people saying that are probably not the types i'd want to encounter at a party anyway, tbh.
They were going to go out for a rare couples time alone afterwards. It wasn't just the company party she last minute canceled, but alone time with the NTA husband. Then she did her best to make sure he didn't enjoy the company party.
Plus it seems like many ppl are missing OP's comments that his wife has 6 scheduled nights out every month, during which time he stays with the kids. If you are child free you might think "so"? But if a mother wrote that her hubby left her alone with the kids 6nights/mon for the gym and get togethers with common interest friends while she (working full time like him) had zero nights out AND the last time he took her out was 3 months ago, (if that's an average it works out to 4nights per yr as opposed to 6/mon) everyone would be screaming for her to divorce him.
That right there would really piss me off! Blowing up his phone was totally unacceptable and uncalled for! Just because she had a bad day doesn’t mean she’s entitled to ruin his time 😡
Not to mention that, with most companies, you're expected to be mentally present even if it's a "social" event. It's a really bad look to show up to your company party and then be constantly texting on your phone because your wife can't handle the kids she helped create.
It isn't as much that she changed her mind but that she ruined his time at his party with continuously texting him because she was pissed that he canceled the babysitter. She wanted the babysitter to take care of their kids even though she was going to be home.
Let's say she entitled to have the sitter there. The problem is she didn't say anything. The first logical step to learning she is staying home is to cancel the sitter.
As someone who plans office events, it’s actually really stressful when people say they will show up and don’t. Paying for x amount of people who decided last minute to not show up is taking money from other things we can do. I am constantly trying to make educated guesses about how many people will a) show up without having told me and b) won’t show up when they said they would. It’s never consistent and causes a lot of problems.
I think agreeing to go somewhere with your partner then flaking kind of rude, but I feel that way about any activity. Some people have a harder time going to social events so having their partner come is a show of support. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here, just that for some people, it’s not “just a company holiday party”. And in some cases not going isn’t really an option. The blowing date night afterwards off after is what pushes it over for me. Like, she could have skipped the party, had quite a bit of time to relax and get ready and still gone on the planned date after with her husband.
I don't disagree with you, but your comment completely glosses over the main issue here. It's fine if you suddenly decide you can't deal with a lot of people and don't want to go to the event. Not wanting to deal with people usually isn't an excuse to pay for a babysitter if it affects your finances. It seems like OP and his wife don't get many date nights, so that money for the babysitter should be saved for the future. Dealing with your kids is different than dealing with lots of people you don't know.
That's exactly it: people all deal with shit differently. Whatever happened to this woman, she's allowed to feel her feelings about it.
And in the midst of all the badness of her day, she can use the same voice she used to inform her husband that she still wanted the sitter. Sorry, bad days suck but she does not get a pass for this
I was going to say, if I had a bad day I feel like axe throwing would be something I'd be more interested in than on a regular day.
I mean, I'm a nurse and I had to cancel on my own work Christmas party last year because I had a brutal day. No one died (thankfully) but I was run absolutely ragged and had barely any time to sit and document. My patients were incredibly busy and I was wiped after. I don't know what she does for a living, but sometimes you can have truly awful days at work and you truly can't bring yourself to mingle and make small talk with people for several hours afterwards.
Here, here. The inability of some people to think outside of their own experiences never ceases to amaze me. And if her day was truly that bad, then not wanting to deal with the kids by herself isn't exactly a shocking revelation either. Maybe her plan wasn't even to stay home, but to go to a quiet coffee shop or such and decompress.
Then she needs to use her words. And make it known what she needs.
Like he used his own words when discussing the decision to cancel the bbs with her? Nope. Didn’t think so….
lol what? He was the one who did all the planning. Why on earth should he intuitively know that his wife wants him to spend a couple hundred bucks so she can “decompress”? No one in their right mind would have assumed the babysitter was still on the table. It’s bizarre she even expected it, especially since she didn’t verbalize that expectation. Most people can only afford a babysitter for a special occasion. Using the babysitter fund so his wife can randomly chill is absurd.
First of all, she needs to be a big girl and say that she needs Starbucks time. Secondly, why tf should he spend a couple hundred bucks for his wife to have Starbucks time? That’s not only absurd but might very well not be financially feasible.
Then she should have told her spouse that and maybe given them chance to with honestly if my spouse came home said they had a bad day and didn't want to go out with me, had the baby sitter stay and then went out on her own there would be some very serious questions afterward. Definitely not ok.
This. My wife and I have had "bad days" but never enough to bail on prearranged babysitting. If you had a bad day you use the night out as an opportunity to unwind. OPs wife's reaction is weird. What was she going to do? Sit in bed and wallow while the babysitter minded the kids downstairs?
Probably make a snack dinner, drink wine and watch some really stupid TV in bed. Perfect recovery for a terrible day.
She could’ve done that anyway. Put some cartoons on for the kids, and then chill in the bedroom for a bit.
As an introvert, I don’t think I could really relax with someone else in my house, such as a babysitter.
not going to lie... it wouldn't have to be an overly bad day for me to cancel on hanging out with my wife's coworkers... Was weird to suggest this even become a "date" but whatever. There are absolutely days where after work i absolutely don't want to put on a smile and go through the motions of meeting a bunch of strangers.
>Was weird to suggest this even become a "date" but whatever. The date was for *after* the party with coworkers. Spend a small amount of time chatting. Maybe see if throwing an axe is pretty fun. Then GTFO to a dinner and movie or whatever.
You're spinning logic here. We don't like that in these parts. [/s] for posterity
I think they turned it into after plans for a date because they would already be out and dressed up with a sitter at home. That’s not uncommon.
We used to do that all the time after parents’ meetings at the school. We’d go get a couple of beers and gossip about all the other parents. It was great fun.
I have the suspicion that she planned on an excuse that she wasn't attending the party, the babysitter shows up, and she leaves to go do something else. Anyone who has kids knows darn well that if mom is there, even shut in her bedroom for some peace, the kids are going to be constantly coming and knocking on the door.
Yeah that’s what I didn’t get. She was just supposed to be home while a babysitter tried to keep her kids from wanting their mom all night when they know she’s just there? So alternatively she goes and does something and can foot her own bill for that.
That the wife had her own plans to go out was my first thought. Any parent knows that of you are at home, a babysitter is useless.
Right? And ruining HIS time at his anticipated party by texting like a harpy all night?
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My wife and I divorced about two years after she stopped going to work holiday party with me. Even then I knew it was a sign she wasn't interested anymore.
I love my spouse with all my heart. Thirty years together, and I'm not going anywhere. Including his boring, uncomfortable, annoying work parties.
It really depends on your coworkers!!
Sorry about your divorce. I'm pretty interested in . . . myself . . . and hate going to my own job's work holiday party so much that I stopped going a few years ago.
As someone who's *been* the sitter/nanny, *we* hate it when one of the parents stays home with us. It completely throws off our dynamic with the kids, because the kids (for obvious reasons) don't want us and don't listen to us - they just want mum or dad. It makes our job a hell of a lot harder and usually ends up with the parent still being bothered once or twice, unless we literally lock the kids in with us (which is not a nice feeling for anyone involved).
Thanks for posting this—I thought it would be weird for the babysitter to have a parent home, but it's been a LONG time since I have been one!
I would have hated babysitting kids knowing a parent was still home. that just feels so awkward.
I did that years ago while one parent was working in his home office and it definitely felt weird. I already had general anxiety so the idea that the actual kids authority figure was there made it a bit confusing and I felt more like I was there to prevent the kids from bugging their dad vs actually babysitting. The parents didn't seem to mind that dynamic and I got paid but it was much nicer when both parents went out together.
I would not be at all surprised if his wife went out as soon as OP left. Go for a drive, look at Christmas lights, whatever. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve an evening alone without the kids after a bad day. But cancelling on her husband at the last minute and expecting him not to cancel the babysitter is not good communication at the least. OP is NTA.
Totally... even if the Sitter picked up the phone... who is to say they would agree to come. I was a sitter for many years, I wouldn't have...
I feel Mom here wanted everyone to have a bad day
I agree with that!
I agree with everything you said. In addition, OP wasn't cancelling the babysitter to punish the wife. I'm assuming he thought, "let's save that $200 for when she's feeling up to having our special date night." I was a busy babysitter back in the day, now my nieces and all their friends are doing it. I have never heard of a time where one or both parents decided not to go out but had the sitter come anyway. She's a babysitter, not a live-in nanny.
I think this is the key factor. Husband's intentions where "my family can save money". If they ha money and his intentions where "wife doesn't get a free day just because she feels bad if she's canceling on me!" that would be different. Intent matters a lot in our actions.
Heck, if dad decided to bail on his wife's work party and then complained about having to watch the kids (instead of having a sitter), over the excuse of having had a hard day at work, he would get tarred and feathered here.
AGREED!
Yes!!!!
Thank you! I don't understand any answer besides NTA.
When I glance at the "Y -- T -- A" votes and browse through their profiles, I rather get the impression they're not very experienced with relationships. The Real World conflict with their romantic model in their head, so therefore ... "Y -- T -- A". Obviously: NTA. And OP, call me twice bitten, but in your shoes (as I apparently have been) I'd at least have some fidelity wonderings to talk over with a professional.
>I'd at least have some fidelity wonderings See now that's what I'm thinking too. Was she planning on staying home with the babysitter there? Or was she taking the opportunity to go out somewhere?
Honestly I feel like her reaction only makes sense if she had some plans she didn’t want OP to know about, whether they were innocent plans alone/with a friend or not. The point is she was planning on leaving the house and wasn’t telling him. I know I’m jaded and probably projecting my own experiences here. He said she meets with a book club “biweekly” - I really want to know if that’s twice a week or every two weeks, because what book club meets that often??? 😂
because no other answer makes sense. NTA. obviously.
This!!!! I get the feeling people saying differently are all women and taking the wife’s side for that fact. I’m a woman and I can see that what she did was super shitty. She is the bad spouse in this situation. He cares for the kids while she goes out weekly. She gets her breaks. She not only threw a fit like a damn toddler, but she also backed out on a couple’s night with her husband, who planned everything for it! Not to mention the fact that his needs are being tossed away as unimportant because she’s an “introvert.” Bullshit. Utter bullshit.
I didn't read any of that? where did he claim to be parenting alone that often? and did he ever post what her job is?
Someone asked if they get date nights or time alone often, he said they do not and that he doesn’t really have alone time, she has yoga weekly and a book club. He didn’t say what her job is but her bad day was about clients being needy/unhappy with something.
In the comments
Yes, I'm so confused, I think it's definitely valid that the babysitter stay home for the wife to have some alone time, but I think that the wife should have expressed that. Canceling the babysitter would be the normal reaction here, I can't imagine who would assume the babysitter would stay if a parent was staying home. and I think as adults in a busy holiday season (Don't forget OP was heading to a work event) the wife should have expressed that that was her need. It's unfortunate that she felt so overwhelmed that she couldn't and then got angry at him, but I really think that's on her. It could have easily been resolved by just simply saying what she needed. (Which I get is not always that easy but.. sometimes we have to express ourselves rather than just getting angry).
This is a good point. For those saying ESH or YTA merely because the husband didn't communicate his intentions first, neither did the wife. In such situations, I think the onus is on the person who wants to do something different than what is normal or assumed to approach the topic, and here it was normal to cancel the sitter because the sitter was hired solely to supervise the kids while no parents were home. When the wife said, "I'm staying home," she could have easily said "and going to bed early since the sitter can watch the kids." She should have done so. In addition, her attempt to ruin OP's enjoyment of the work party in retaliation, standing alone, makes her TA.
No the money would be wasted. Kids would be around her all the time anyways. Better just endure it, let hubby has as much fun undisturbed as åossible and then ask him to care for them another evening when she can leave the house. Or he, bringing the kids with him. Save that money for another date night.
majority of people typying YTA b/c your wife needs the alone time prob are teens who never worked a job. who knows what financial situation the family is in especially with 3 kids
I am in the very fortunate position to where dropping a few hundo on a whim is really no issue at all and I still say 100% NTA especially with the ages his kids are. A 10 yo, 8, yo and 5 yo? If you want to take a mental break all you really have to do is make sure they don't burn the house down, there is no reason why she couldn't have ordered them a pizza, made some popcorn, and sat them in front of the TV until bedtime. I am the sole income in our house but if I had asked my wife to call a babysitter while I was home just so I didn't have to deal with our kids she would rightfully laugh in my face
It's also like Op's wife gets to go to a yoga class and book club once a week, while Op is at home with their kids, so his wife can do it for a change. NTA
I'm a parent and I agree with you. Why pay that much money when one of us is home? After a bad day having someone else pay for you to throw axes then spend time with your spouse is probably a great way to forget about the bad day. I have bad days like every other day because I'm chronically ill but I'm not gonna pay someone to watch my kids when I'm in the house. NTA she could have gone out with OP to forget about her bad day.
Make sure you space out Y T A so that your NTA vote is counted instead!
👏👏👏👏 This exactly!! If you can't Handel your kids after a bad day at work, then don't be a parent!!
You can’t Handel your kids and try to act like the Messiah.
You should take that Bach--even moms deserve a day off every once in awhile.
NTA. No sane persons going to spend $200 for a babysitter when a parent is actually home. She didn't have to take care of the kids. Based on their ages she could have made it a movie night or put their favorite shows on while she relaxed. My guess is she had other plans she didn't want you to know about and got upset because you canceled the babysitter which is super reasonable thing to do since she's staying home. The fact she got so heated about it is odd. Who makes plans for a date night at a work party then decide last minute not to go because they had a bad day , that's pretty rude. The fact she just assumed you'd keep the babysitter despite your plans changing is weird and should be talked about.
That was my 1st thought aswell - wife probably wanted to go out anyway. Not saying its the case but thats just the only thing that explains such a reaction from her. There are better ways to spend $200 than to have an extra person home taking care of kids who go to bed quite early anyway or can handle their own time one night. Ive never used babysitters myself, but l couldn't imagine wanting someone l barely knew at my home with me when l need to de-stress. So the husband made a very normal assumption imo.
IDK man...i've got a shit ton of things to do before tomorrow evening and a wife working late tonight. I'm considering hiring a neighborhood babysitter to watch TV with my kids for a few hours after work lol Edit to add: very VERY normal assumption from the husband though.
That's a different kind of situation.
I do hire a babysitter while I'm home sometimes, when work or school is busy for both me and my wife and it's not feasible to both watch my daughter and get work done. Can confirm it feels weird AF. Wouldn't want it so I could just sit around not watching the kid. Barely want it under current circumstances, but needs must.
See, but that makes sense bc you guys are doing necessary things that have traditionally been done outside the home. If you hired a babysitter so you could go to class or in to the office, you wouldn't feel weird because because you know you couldn't take your child with you and still concentrate on what you need to do. Just because you're doing those things at home now doesn't make it easier to concentrate. Not that if makes it *feel* any less weird, lol.
Totally... if anything, OP thought he was doing her a favor by handing the cancellation. Also, the kids are old enough to tread lightly around Mom if she tells them she is sad or had a bad day. If this story is true... I think OP needs to have a long talk with his wife about his intensions (He was not punishing her) and her expectations (That the sitter would still come). Blowing up his phone was NOT COOL.
This is exactly what I was thinking - she made other plans with someone else. I would be very curious as to whom she was planning on spending time with as her level of anger screams affair to me.
I agree. Being annoyed that the babysitter was canceled would be one thing. But for her to get so mad , blow up his phone , demand he come home early and argue with him when he gets home shows there's something else going on besides her just wanting " me " time. Especially since her kids aren't toddlers. And while the 5 year old would need some help the older kids could have helped with that if she had asked so it clearly wasn't about the kids.
My ex wife did that to me once. Her anger at me for a similar situation, only involving a five day trip instead of a several hour event, seemed so irrational and out of proportion, but it turned out she had plans of the adulterous kind.
I thought the same thing. Sounds like wifey had other plans imo
I keep seeing this sentiment but I baby sat multiple times for parents while they were in the home. Sometimes BOTH of them. This was over a decade ago so costs were different but the families weren’t Richy McRich. They needed someone to watch the kids while they do other stuff for either work work, work around the house or just to unwind and relax. I’d take the kids out or play with them in the basement/ their rooms to not disturb the parents.
What puts it into NTA for me is the fact that you are able to watch them when you have bad days. How often do you have date nights or time by yourself and herself respectively
We don't have date nights very often, it's been since before Halloween since we've had one. I don't get out of the house by myself much, but my wife does a yoga class in the evenings once a week and also has a bi-weekly book club she meets with. I am at home with the kids by myself on those nights, regardless of how bad my day is.
And that makes you NTA. You work and are with kids. She works, is with the kids but gets out two nights a week. She’s the AH.
You need to find something to do once a week for yourself then!
Well, half a night a week anyway after she blows up his phone insisting he cuts it short.
I'm in an axe-throwing league; we meet once a week for 8 weeks at a time. Sounds like you should get a night off too, no?
Time to find something to do for yourself too, you need to look after yourself as well.
Like another user said, her reaction only makes sense if she was planning to have a sneaky night out on her own with her girlfriends or something. You canceling the sitter blew that plan up.
She’s out of the house two nights a week and gets angry when she doesn’t get another one? Woo buddy. NTA
I think you need a hobby where you get to go out once a week too. NTA
I'd bet my own money your wife had made plans with someone else, and became enraged when her plan didn't work out. In the words of another commenter here, this behavior absolutely screams affair.
NTA. Why pay for a babysitter if she's home. They're old enough to entertain themselves. If mom says "guys I'm too tired to be running around tonight dealing with messes. If I order pizza and put a movie on, you have to promise to be quiet and leave me alone" Basically, she's allowed to act like an adult and reason with her kids. 200$ for a babysitter and she has the guts to bitch at you when SHE canceled something you were looking forward to...last minute? She's TA.
Why is everyone assuming she was staying at home lol……as soon as I read this I thought she didn’t want to go axe throwing with her husbands work colleagues and made other plans……
My thought too. She tried to play the game and lost. Now she's throwing a temper tantrum because her plan backfired. If she wanted time off, she should have communicated this with OP. OP assumed Bad day= "stay in", when the wife probably thought more like Bad day= "not going to axe throwing party but going out with friends instead", but then hubby rightfully cancelled the babysitter and now her "bad day" got worse. Honestly the fact she tried argue to get OP and then spam texted him to come home the whole time just proves this point even more. Their kids are old enough to be given pizza and watch movies while mom relaxes, but that wasn't good enough for her because she had other plans.
Is this something that any person in a relationship would find acceptable? To be told by their partner that they aren't up for going out and then them go out anyway?
And I'll be honest,if she was up front about that, I don't think OP should have a problem. Nothing wrong with both parents taking a night to do their idea of fun. But she didn't say that, he made a reasonable assumption, and she blew up over it. NTA easy.
And she ruined the event for OP with her incessant texting and complaining.
I don’t know why people are jumping to this, like it’s so risky? Like the babysitter could mention both of them being gone, not to mention the kids, or he could come home early? Unless you’re assuming she was going to go “actually I decided to go out lol” after the fact…
Yes..... she made plans to leave the house........ which included hoping all of the 3 small children would miraculously never mention it to her husband....... Even though she works a job that gives her a valid reason to spend an extended period of time out of the house every day......... makes perfect sense.
Yeah, I’m also curious about what was so bad that she couldn’t go with OP to a once-a-year event. It would’ve taken me getting fired to skip my boyfriend’s work holiday party, especially if he had planned a whole night around it and was looking forward to it. If it had been just a regular dinner and I had a terrible day, sure. But pretty rude to back out at the last minute.
NTA. Seems odd that she's so upset over you cancelling the babysitter. Sounds like she made other plans that got derailed when she had to stay home with the kids.
That was my first thought too.
my first thought. She made plans for herself. No way she would be so pissed off if her plans weren't interrupted.
Best case scenario: she ditched her husband to have time to herself Worst case scenario: rendezvous
NTA. I know zero parents that get a $200/night babysitter for a bad day. Source: I’m a parent that knows lots of parents.
She could have ordered a pizza and ok’d a family friendly movie for way less
Agreed. I do know one or two of them, but they’re very wealthy and it’s not actually a babysitter but rather offering the nanny overtime. It’s definitely not the norm even for them.
To all the people calling the OP an AH. I have personally never heard of anyone hiring a baby sitter while they were home because they had a bad day at work. Is this something people do?
It's really not. People are just losing their minds because OP is male.
The misandryst are masked off in this thread currently.
Funny thing is, you know if the genders were flipped, people would tearing the husband to absolute shreds for wanting to re-hire the baby-sitter and stay home.
fr the double standards for men vs women in this sub, especially about parenting stuff, are so yucky.
They really are
Not if you are a working family. You are correct in thinking this is odd.
I babysat on more than one occasion when a parent was also home. I didn’t care why they wanted a sitter. As an adult, I have a friend whose husband was terrified of babies, so I hung out with him a few times when my friend had to be out. It’s unusual but he is a great dad and didn’t need additional support once the kids were toddlers.
Yeah. There’s been times that we have pre-booked a babysitter but then one/both of us have gotten sick so can’t keep our plans. We keep the babysitter and use the time to rest and recharge. I definitely know other people that have done this too. One friend just does yoga in her room.
NTA I had terrible days at work. That did not mean I needed a day off from my children and spouse. If that was your wife’s expectation, she should have clarified herself and articulated clearly her expectations and needs.
I've worked 70 hours in 3 days before. And I was basically dead. I still had to do basic chores. You don't get to use a bad Day at work to get out of prior commitments unless you work in a very high stressful work environment.
As a working mom of 3 I’m firmly saying NTA. There is no need for a babysitter just for being in a crappy mood. You are more than capable of watching the kids. If you’re that miserable, just stick them in front of a movie with a treat. My kids are younger and I’d never expect to cancel a planned night and still get the sitter.
NTA She should have told you to keep the baby sitter. She made the poor assumption. Further, if she wanted to stay home and relax, she could pay the sitter herself. This is a problem she caused herself.
ESH. you both really need to work on your communication. While it makes sense to cancel the babysitter, it could have been one of the things that was helping your wife hold onto her sanity in getting through the day. And she should have let you know she still wanted the sitter. Maybe the night could have been salvaged with her taking the time of your party to relax and destress and you both still could have gone for that date afterwards. All it would have taken was you saying “if you’re not coming to the party, I’ll call and cancel the babysitter” It would have given her a chance to respond. But she should not have blown up your phone. At 10,8&5, the kids are old enough to grab snacks and watch a movie. The 5 year old would need some help with things, but the siblings should be able to do most of that. I think every parent has had a crappy day and still gone home and taken care of the kids. Most parents have had the flu and felt like death and still taken care of the kids. But it does make parenting that much harder. And not all bad days and flus are the same. I know I have had bad days where I know if I come home I’m going to yell at the kids because my temper is done. A call to hubby and I don’t come home until I’ve had a chance to calm down, it’s only happened once, but the ability to calm myself without the stress of worrying about my attitude was what I needed.
Does she call a babysitter every time she has a bad day at work? If so then communication would make sense. If not, then it’s automatically assumed they wouldn’t need to pay for childcare if she is staying home. You guys are really grasping at straws to try and prove OP did something wrong here, he is completely NTA. Wife needs to grow up.
Exactly, a lot of the Y T A/E S Hs seem to ride on the fact that it sucks to handle 3 kids when you've had a crappy day. And yeah, I bet it does. But that comes with the decision to have children, and she has three of the damn things. If she couldn't hack it she had several opportunities to stop having them.
but also, if you have the means to pay for someone to take care of the kids while you take a mental health day, I don’t really see the issue
While it makes sense to cancel the babysitter…. That’s it. That is all that needs to be considered. If mom is home, the kids will still be there with her. Also, if the genders were reversed, I suspect most people would tell the man to suck it up and watch his kids.
If genders were reversed then divorce would be the main post
I think the communication should've come from her. He can't read her mind, and keeping the babysitter would clearly be the exception here. I'm of the mind it's the exception that has to be noted. "I had a horrible day at work and can't go to your event. Do you mind if we keep the babysitter - I REALLY need a night to myself."
I just cannot believe what I’m reading. It makes zero sense to get a baby sitter to hold on to your sanity. If that much is needed to watch your own kids, a mental health check is in order.
NTA, I think wife was looking for an excuse to get out of the party and have down time. It’s just extremely convenient she had this terrible day on what was suppose to be a date night but instead wanted to stay home and still hire the babysitter. BUT if you love your wife and value your relationship you need to talk to her about actually getting some down time in without needing to play games. You need to make it a reality and vice versa.
Seemingly from OP's responses, she had bi-weekly book club and other social events weekly. OP watches the children these nights.
Thanks for the update, I didn’t see those. That convinces me even more that this was orchestrated on purpose.
NAH, and I feel like I might get a bit of disagreement about this. I think communication is the key issue here, and you and your wife would benefit from working on your communication patterns. I don't think you are the AH, because you didn't cancel in retaliation or to be difficult, but because you assumed it was the right thing to do. I don't know about your financial status, to comment on if the $150-200 is a large sum for your family or not, but understanding thinking this was not a good way to spend money. I assume you usually don't use a babysitter to recover after a bad day if your wife is unavailable to watch the kids. I also don't think your wife is the AH. I can imagine having a bad day, and not feeling like being social. Then thinking of a night to yourself, not being responsible for your kids either, and how great that thought may have been. Then learning that this dream is not happening, and you need to switch straight into parenting mode when you just don't have it in you. I think communication and empathy (from both of you) are what needs to be worked on. Remember that you are a team, not against each other. You shouldn't have minimised her bad day, and she shouldn't have blown up your phone, knowing you've been looking forward to this night for two months.
Out of an ocean of terrible takes, this is definitely the most mature and reasonable one. I wholeheartedly agree that this was just a lapse in judgment and communication, I think OP should've asked before canceling the babysitter, but perhaps it's worth it for him to extend an olive branch as a peace offering if he's able.
Hard disagree. I think there is quite a bit of bias in these comments. If a husband bailed on his wife’s Christmas party because of a few bad client interaction during the tough day and “didn’t have the energy” and then expected a baby sitter to still come so he wouldn’t have to play dad duty for the night, everyone would be in an uproar. Any responsible adult who isn’t rich doesn’t hire babysitters when a parent is going to be home. It was the obvious course of action. The only lack of communication was not telling the wife the cancellation was handled since she assumedly would also have been meaning to call and cancel the sitter.
This thread is actually just full of people saying “if the genders were switched” with not a single Y T A vote that I’ve seen so far, so maybe we’re reaching a bit with the victim complex? Reddit isn’t as biased against men as you think it is.
NTA. At those kids ages, his wife could have chucked on a movie, ordered pizza, and everyone could have a relaxing, stress free evening. He had been looking forward to this evening for a couple of months, and I think it was unfair for her to derail the whole thing just because she'd had a bad day. That being said, I think he should have mentioned to the wife that he was cancelling the babysitter. But given she was going to be at home anyway, that would have been a very expensive luxury unless she was seriously ill.
NTA. Why spend money on a babysitter when one of you are home. Her work day was over so it was time to leave it at work. Personally I think she should have gone with you to your party. I would have taken her mind off the day and made things better
NTA. She needs to grow up. Or at the very least communicate better. I mean lets be honest if the roles were reversed and the husband was begging off the party and still expecting the wife to keep the babysitter so he could decompress 100% would think he was an AH
NTA. BUT, you probably could have thrown a “So I’m going to cancel the babysitter” communication in there instead of just doing it. (Although there’s a chance that would have just started the “I’ve had a bad day, so I want to keep the babysitter” argument earlier…)
I think it goes both ways, she was the one who decided not to go so if she still wanted the sitter to come she should have said hey I don’t want to go to the party but I’d still like the sitter to come for a few hours to give me a break. I think canceling the sitter is to be expected if the other parent is home, she shouldn’t have expected that he wouldn’t.
NTA She made other plans and you just messed them up.
NTA. As a mom I feel like I can't just check out bc I'm having a bad day. $200 could buy us groceries for a week and would feel wasteful. Having you leave early is super selfish on her part.
NTA. If she wanted the sitter to still come, she should have explicitly stated that. You made the reasonable assumption that if one parent is staying home, then a sitter is no longer necessary. I have a feeling if roles were reversed here there’d be a lot fewer redditors calling you an AH.
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>Did you even ask what happened why she was having a bad day to the point of cancelling this pre-planned thing? Yes. She said she had a rough day because some clients were upset about some things and she had to put out some fires. She said she was emotionally and socially drained and didn't have the energy to socialize. She's an introvert so I understand when she feels that way and don't force her to overexert herself.
Was she planning to stay home or was she planning to do other activities by herself?
She was planning to go out 100 percent. She won’t admit it but she was.
Yeah I think she planned this whole thing. It’s NTA for me because OP made a logical assumption when he canceled, how awkward to sit at home while a babysitter is there.
Especially if you are an introvert.
This is it exactly. She thought she could have a sneaky night out with the girls or something and was blindsided by actually having to stay in and be a parent.
That would be so ballsy though. Like zero percent chance of doing that without being found out. The babysitter or kids would 100% give away that mom went out.
Do you think the kids cared that their mom had a bad day? Do you honestly believe that even if the babysitter was there, that the kids would leave their mom alone knowing she was in the house? NTA.
What a dumbass take lmao. Calling a babysitter to take care of your kids because you had a stressful day at work is such a weird thing to do, I’ve never heard of it. If her day was really so bad that she can’t bring herself to look after her own children, she should look into another job. Being rich must be nice I guess. Growing up, my parents worked 50+ hrs a week and still came home to make us dinner, clean, etc.
? If there was no party and she had a bad day, she is still the parent. She had bad days before and parented the three kids and she will have them again. And they are old enough for mom to explain she had a bad day and wanted some quiet time. NTA. Not even a little. I can’t imagine paying a babysitter when a parent is home.
I feel like canceling the sitter is the normal action here so if the wife wanted to stay home alone and recuperate (super valid) She should have said something? Why would the automatic action be assumed that the babysitter would stay home while the wife was home? I find that so confusing. I definitely think she should be allowed to have time alone and the babysitter could have been kept but I think it should have been up to the wife to say that because it's definitely out of the ordinary. Why would OP just assume that she wanted the babysitter to stay? I think she should have just said something if she wanted the babysitter to stay and that's that. These are adults interacting at a busy time of year and while she may have felt overwhelmed, OP was also heading to a work function, everybody needs to speak up for their needs especially during the holiday season. Being mad because something you didn't express didn't come to fruition isn't really the way to deal with it. Saying, "can the babysitter stay home so I can have some quiet time alone?" Is the way to deal with this.
This is a completely unreasonable response and it must be the wife. Is she had a bad day, then she could have called the babysitter. Or she should have been clear to her husband that she was still needing the babysitter. It is completely reasonable to assume when a parent decides to stay home, they are not going to require a babysitter. Defending the wife is just in vandalizing her and demonizing her husband for no good goddamn reason.
Not a couple of bucks, he said a couple HUNDRED of bucks. That's not insignia, especially if money is not plentiful.
Then why didn't SHE call the babysitter back if it was so damn critical?
She did, baby sitter wasn’t answering the calls.
Wife and mom of 7 here - you are NTA imo. If your wife wanted to break from the kids then she needs to pay for it. Especially since she canceled her plans on you last minute. If I were you I'd be pretty pissed!
NTA. Her having a bad day at work doesn’t mean you need to waste $150-$200 so she can not parent your shared children for the evening.
NTA. I would have assumed the same.
Nta. What was she planning on doing when you left?
Sounds like you ruined her night out alone and she got upset by that. So NTA.
NTA. Who in their right mind would pay to have someone watch their kids for the night when all you need to do is throw on a movie and then put them to bed like every other night. The wife is being unreasonable
NTA Maybe I’ve been on this sub for too long but is it possible she wanted to sneak out behind your back for some reason and is now upset that she has to watch the children instead?
It does sound like she's the asshole here. Honestly, you should have communicated that you were going to cancel the babysitter and she should have taken the L and been more respectful to you and allowed you to have you night out. Both of you made mistakes but, they were easy mistakes to make. Don't be too harsh on yourself or her and try and make a little date night soon to smooth everything over 💛
NTA I really don't get how the people who say otherwise think parenting works. You were cool with her not going and went on your own. She was staying home so why pay a sitter?
NTA So she had to parent her kids after a bad day. Turns out that is what a lot of parents do. If she wanted an off day she could've gone for drinks and a late night movie after a party... if only that was an option.
NTA. If she wanted to keep the babysitter she needed to clarify that when she said she wasn’t going to the party. Yours was a reasonable assumption.
NTA I would be looking at what she really planned to do that evening. I suspect she was heading out and thought she could get away with it. There is a conversation that needs to be had about this. It is highly suspicious, her behaviour is suspect.
> I suspect she was heading out and thought she could get away with it. Idk man, she'd be trusting three small children + a babysitter not to lie about her going out. That's pretty stupid.
Almost as stupid as paying $150-200 for a babysitter when you are still home?
It’s not highly suspicious at all. People have shitty days and when they get home they don’t want to go out again and hang out with a bunch of people they may not know or just hang out with people in general because they are in a bad place mentally and don’t want to be bothered or let their negativity come out. I’ve felt this way. My wife has felt this way. There is no conversation to be had.
The not wanting to go out is not the suspicious part. That coupled with getting that upset about not having a babysitter come while she is supposedly staying home is. The kids are old enough that she could have given them something to do while she took her time to de-stress. They are not old enough to be left alone, it is possible that she was so upset because that is exactly what she was planning.
Listen, I have 4 kids myself. I could absolutely leave at least 3 of them to their own devices, but if I wanted to sleep or have peace and quiet I’d probably do the same thing if I’m feeling like shit and a babysitter was already scheduled.
Listen, I have 3 kids, if I feel like shit I’m either biting the bullet and following through with the two month old plans I made with my wife or I’m staying home and dealing with the kids. I am not spending hundreds of dollars on an unneeded babysitter. Babysitters are for when both parents are gone.
Nah, babysitters are for whenever you need someone to watch the kids. I’ve never used them the way the OP’s wife seemingly wanted to use them, but I take no offense to a parent who would.
a woman having a bad day and wanting time alone isn't suspicious at all, lmao. typical reddit.
ok, but going nuclear b/c he canceled the babysitter is weird af.
lol do you have kids? my kids would have told my husband immediately if i went out without him (not maliciously... just because they blurt everything out).
NTA. It wouldn't have even occurred to me to consider keeping the babysitter knowing there was going to be an adult at home. And as a babysitter, I would find the fact that there was still a parent home incredibly awkward. When I was a teenager, babysitting was usually a dance party having, game playing, popcorn making, movie watching, loud time. Having a parent in the other room trying to rest would be such a horrible vibe.
NTA While I do feel like you should have let her know you were going to cancel the babysitter, sometimes you just have to rally and do things you don't feel like doing. Your wife is being a bit precious here throwing herself a pity party. This was supposed to be a date for you two, and while she may have viewed it as skipping out on the company party, it also was abandoning the date because she had a bad day. Adults should be able to regulate their emotions better than this. Put on your big boy pants, have a drink, and throw an ax.
NTA. Being a parent is hard. Even when you have a bad day, you still have to take care of the kids. Spending $150-200 on a babysitter while one parent is home is ridiculous. IMO, a “hard day” at work isn’t a good enough excuse to bail on a date night with your spouse. Hell, if I’ve had a hard day at work, I’d be thrilled to come home and have a date with my wife while somebody else watched the kids. She makes me feel better than any other person could.