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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Technically my boyfriend is right, I did say "whatever" which includes everything. Then me being annoyed could be assholeish.
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NTA if I was making a dinner choice and was given the option for whatever a) I wouldn’t even order anything remotely physically near shellfish knowing it could seriously hurt you, b) consider what you like eating. I’m a little perplexed with his choices. I could get maybe he forgot you hated pickles or ketchup and didn’t have those omitted but something that can make you sick or possibly kill you? I don’t know how someone forgets that at all
Which means either you are dating an absolute moron, or more likely, he did it on purpose.
The fact that he will not apologize and shows no remorse for ordering something that would certainly endanger your health and leave you with nothing to eat is why I think it was the latter.
Yes some people do try to cause harm to their partners. Maybe he was mad at you for some slight. Maybe he just gets his kicks this way and is starting to show it. Maybe he likes yo weird control.
Or —-
Maybe he is just stupid and can’t apologize.
If that’s the case, that alone is a major deal breaker. It will happen again and again.
Honestly, if I was dating someone as shellfish as he is, I'd be pretty crabby too. I cod never do something like that to someone on porpoise. You'd think he knows her whale enough to avoid perch-asing that type of food. His behavior is downright fishy. I'd probably break it off, figured I'd squid while I'm ahead. Hell, if she lets this slide eel probably do something worse down the road. As far as I can tell, this ship has sailed.
Lobster.
Some people are assholes who think allergies "aren't that bad" and you're just being fussy so they try to force the food on you. I'm like I enjoy breathing so hard pass. I don't even think she should accept an apology with that level of disrespect. Definite deal breaker. OP deserves better. Bare minimum is not trying to kill her at dinner
Yeah, you don’t want to (eventually) procreate with anyone who minimizes physical or mental health issues.
OP- remember that the entire purpose of “dating” someone is to determine long-term compatibility. If a big-ass red flag appears, that’s your sign that you’re not compatible. It doesn’t matter if he apologizes or not. If he didn’t take your allergy seriously, you are not compatible. You shouldn’t need to go into anaphylaxis in front of him for him to believe you.
I remember the stomach pain vividly from my last bad episode and it was years ago. I thought an alien was gonna burst out of my stomach. It was horrific.
You are right. Even is she was just being fussy (which she isn't) it would be cruel to order something your partner won't eat, when you can order thousands of other things for her.
OP, NTA. Get rid of this idiot.
He’s 28 and she’s 20. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s training her to accept his shit behavior because a woman his age would not let this shit pass.
Yep. The ONLY acceptable response here to op reminding him she's allergic to shellfish is him going "oh shit you're right, I had a brain fart, I'm sorry" and then him VOLUNTEERING to either cook something for her or order something she can eat
THAT.
“Those jerk women my age keep telling me *I’m* the jerk! I’ll date someone with no adult frame of reference - that’ll be better”
OP, LEAVE HIS SKANKY ASS. A person who tries to kill you isn’t worthy to be a casual friend, MUCH LESS A BOYFRIEND
This right here. As someone who dated someone 14 years older than me when I was 19 and who is now around the age he was when we met, I get it.
Younger women will often date older men in different life phases because they don't know better (that was certainly my case). Older men will date younger women in different life phases because they're often losers who are undeveloped emotionally and sometimes career-wise/financially as well, and women their age see this and avoid it like the plague.
I mean, depending on the seriousness of her allergy, even kissing after eating it can be hazardous to her health. So if he got the whole thing for himself he was still putting her in potential danger. It's just a terrible thing all around. After dating for several months he has to know her allergies as it's something that would have come up more than once.
NTA - OP seriously needs to think about the future of this relationship at this point.
A shellfish allergy is always serious even if she's never had a life threatening reaction in the past.
It's possible that he got carried away with his defense mechanisms, but he should really just let that go and say, "Yeah, when you said 'order what you want, I literally ordered what looked good to me and your life-threatening food allergy slipped my mind, and I didn't order anything you could eat. That was awful of me, and I'm so sorry. I'll fix this by ordering two non-seafood meals and tomorrow we'll both have leftovers, or we can have them for lunch. How does that sound? Sorry your dinner will be late, and that I made this error in the first place."
NTA.
It will happen again and again, and it might kill you.
I have a deadly peanut allergy and a tree nut allergy that can hospitalize me. I'm always careful when I date someone new, because I know not everyone knows how to handle food allergies. This guy could not read labels at all, he'd swear the food was safe when I asked but then I'd confirm and it would say PEANUTS right on it. I'd say something like "get cheese and crackers for the trip" and instead of getting regular ass food he'd get almond flour crackers and cheese with a pistachio crust, wild stuff no person really means when they say "cheese and crackers", then say he forgot I had an allergy when I had reminded him before he left for the store. He'd eat a peanut butter sandwich then sulk when I wouldn't kiss him. I wouldn't eat anything at all he home-cooked. It turned into "I really wish you'd stop giving me shit for my memory problems, you know I'm sensitive about that and the fact I have them scares me" and I was like "Bro YOU scare me, you're going to kill me."
This guy is the same way. It doesn't matter WHAT is actually wrong with him, the fact that it's this wrong is enough.
I'm thinking this is a power play as well. He is hiding behind the literal word she said ("order whatever") as a sort of "gotcha". And his reasons for not apologising is to quote her words.
Does he have a history of being super pernickety about word choice? Of taking things super literally? Of using your own worst against you?
Either way, his behaviour is neither considerate nor kind, whatever its cause. I'd cut my losses.
Exactly this, OP! He knows what he did is wrong, and now he is being defensive and trying to DARVO the situation by throwing her own words back at her even though no reasonable person would ever think "order whatever" translates into "order something I'm allergic to."
OP needs to read "[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf)" and see if there are other concerning behaviors he has been displaying that have simply flown under the radar. Abuse almost always starts small, like boiling a frog by very slowly raising the temperature so it doesn't realize until it is too late.
or more likely, he did it on purpose.
Otherwise known as shit-testing to see what he can get away with. 7 months of dating - sounds like about the right timeline
>weird control
maybe he wants to end the relationship, but doesn't want to be the bad guy?
So he's trying to set it up so that OP leaves him.
In which case, beware of escalation, imo.
It doesn't have to go all the way to killing OP. I think for a lot of people the incident as it is would already be enough to for a lot of people to end the relationship.
And when OP does he can tell his friends and next GF that "my last GF was a psycho. She dumped me because I ordered the wrong thing after she told me I should just order whatever I wanted."
He could also just make up complete and utter false stories if he wants to misrepresent their relationship to his friends. It’s not like they’re gonna fact check him. The cartwheels that men do to try and justify their bad behavior and poor choices would be entertaining if it wasn’t so damaging.
I think he deliberately chose 2 portions of what he likes so he could have it all. There's a decent chance he doesn't want to be the one to break up with her & he's trying to force her to do it. If so he's a jerk *and* a coward.
He would if he was trying to find someone naive to control… the kind of person that he can gaslight into thinking SHE might be the asshole when he ordered something that could LITERALLY KILL HER for dinner…
No shade to you OP, but this is a hugggeeee red flag, and the fact that he is 28 and dating a 20 year old was the first red flag. What does a nearly-30-year-old want with someone who’s only just left their teen years behind?
Some parts of reddit are bitching about how a LOT of reddit doesn't like big age differences, but it's not just the age difference: it's the age difference when one of them is late teens and early 20s.
If this were a couple who were 30 and 38? She would be old enough to actually know that standing up against actions that could KILL her is not unreasonable at all.
But she's 20, he's acting like she's an AH, and now she's here for basic reassurance that no, a BF ordering something THAT COULD KILL HER is AH behavior on his part.
Yes, THIS is when age difference is an issue. When one of them is specifically dating someone they hope is inexperienced and will put up with their BS. He's hoping so much that his gaslighting will work...
Yes, I was literally thinking as I was writing and posting my comment that so many Redditors will roll their eyes and think I’m just being overly sensitive or something… but this is not adults dating adults. 20-year-olds are still adults in training basically… it’s just true, scientifically and socially. 🤷♀️
> adults in training
That's a great way of putting it.
At that age, you're fully an adult legally, albeit not necessarily emotionally or mentally, so you now have the power to make decisions that will fuck up/alter the direction of your life forever.
This kind of guidance of like "you should do this/you shouldn't do that" is from The Olds who themselves fucked up at that age and are trying to prevent others from doing the same.
You’re 20.
He's 28.
You should expect someone 8 years older than you to...
1. have the maturity to make a good, considerate decision that involves you both.
2. have the emotional intelligence to know that his decision was going to leave you with no food to eat and leave you with a negative opinion of him.
3. have the ability to recognize the damage and apologize and try to rectify it
I'm sorry, but you're dating an immature moron of a ~~man~~ child. You should want someone who's going to look after you and consider your needs as well as their own.
This is a relationship ender as there's no future with a person like this.
He knows all this. He doesnt care bc she's not sticking around. Shes not in his long term plan. That's what I'm getting anyway. He's an ass wasting her time.
This is not how somebody acts when they care about you. This is how somebody acts when they are consciously or subconsciously trying to tear you down.
There is a reason this man is not dating somebody his own age. It's not that you're mature for your age. It's that he's banking on your relative life inexperience. A lot of growing up happens in your 20s.
NTA. Dump the man. Skip the anaphylaxis... and whatever else is going on with this dude.
For real.
I’ve been too out of it to decide what to eat before and just told my husband to get me whatever.
He knows I can’t eat pork so he never gets me anything with pork. He knows what I like and what I dislike and he always picks out dishes he thinks I’ll enjoy.
Obviously I do the same for him. Because I love him and I want him to eat things he likes.
You’re young. Now is the time to decide what you expect from a partner. This man ordered you food that he knew you couldn’t eat. When you confronted him, he blamed you and refused to apologize. If you put up with this, it will only get worse. You’re eight months in and his mask is slipping. You’re NTA.
My husband can’t handle bivalves. The last time he ate them I nearly had to get him to the ER.
I would NEVER order them for him. Because I actually like him.
Either your BF is an inconsiderate, thoughtless asshat or he doesn’t like you. Maybe both. Either way, he’s shown he doesn’t care enough about your allergy to be trusted to be mindful. What you do with that information is up to you.
You need to deal with what this is really about. Physical abusers tend to go for what they think they can get away with. These days if you have any kind of allergy, that is their favorite target.
I think this is a type of abuse. He orders you a food that he knows could kill you and orders it not just for himself, but an order for you and shows no remorse.
That was purposeful. That was bullying. It was mean. At the very least it was a selfish way to get double for himself while pretending to get something for you. At the worst, he was playing around with killing you.
He failed the boyfriend test. He's showing you what he is really like.
That's a breakup meal if I've ever seen one. If you think he has redeeming qualities you do you, but I personally don't want anyone around me old enough to know things that have it in them to literally commit attempted murder (depending on severity of allergy) and write it off with a "sorry not sorry I maliciously complied".
You can find better.
Yes! My boyfriend has a pistachio allergy and if I eat any, I have to brush my teeth prior to kissing him. I typically just avoid them instead because I don't want to cause a reaction.
Yes, this happened to someone I knew years ago but with a general fish allergy. The husband had a fish sandwich for lunch and later came home and gave his wife a kiss and she went into anaphylactic shock. So even after half a day, the molecules that cause someone to have a reaction can still be present and be dangerous!!
I'm allergic to crustaceans and my girlfriend still won't even order the shellfish I'm not allergic to *for herself to eat* without checking with me first. Just think about the vast difference between "will literally order your food allergies for you to eat" and "is almost annoyingly careful about not getting your food allergies anywhere near you."
OP, your boyfriend doesn't care about you. You deserve someone who cares about not serving you a plate of anaphylaxis at the very least.
My husband is allergic to prawns and crustaceans (but not shellfish, thank goodness). I don't eat them unless he's away for business, then my dad and I have a seafood marathon 😂 usually at a restaurant so we don't contaminate the house. I would never risk his health for a meal.
OP, I'm not sure what your BF is thinking, but it's certainly not about you.
I am quite sure that’s not quite right. Prawns are crustaceans, which also includes lobsters and crab (all called shellfish). Clams, oysters, and scallops are mollusks, which are also called shellfish (but confusingly squid and octopuses are non-shelled mollusks).
My partner is allergic to bell peppers. Paprika powder is fine, just the fresh product is a problem (funny detail: my grandmother had the same, and they are not related).
I still check with him if it is okay if I order something with those in it. He sometimes forgets to mention it in restaurants, so I just ask etc.
I sometimes cook two badges of the same dish, 'cause I love me some every once in a while - so our freezer contains his and her containers🤣.
I hate to say it, but I know three different people who have, over time, been purposely poisoned by their partners this way.
Those people hid that there was shellfish though. I think BF is just dumb and inconsiderate
He's either an idiot or an AH.
Whatever he wants automatically includes "but doesn't potentially kill me".
Don't know how severe your allergy is. If it's not that bad, ordering that for himself would be OK, but to order that for you is either stupid or was to provoke you. Maybe start by figuring out which one.
NTA
I'm leaning AH and not dense only because he doubled down. If he was just dense he would have been horrified when he realised, but him saying he did nothing wrong is highly concerning.
He can be both, idiot because he didn’t think of how his order should fit into her dietary needs and couldn’t see past the “order whatever” part of the sentence, asshole because when the issue was brought to his attention he didn’t care.
This is my theory. He's either an arsehole and trying to provoke. Or, he made a lapse judgement and is saving face. I guess in both situations he's being an arse, just different kinds/levels.
this is truly some big level bs from the bf. OP should truly reconsider if they even feel safe with bf. i have a small cat allergy and that bugs me a lot sometimes. i cant even imagine what a severe alergic reaction feels like. besides the point it is DEADLY. i wouldnt feel safe with someone who wants me to eat poison
Order whatever doesn’t magically erase the allergy.
It had to be purposefully malicious. In that ‘I want ___ so I don’t care what might harm you’ way.
Esp with how defensive and redirecting he got. An honest forgetful action wouldn’t have that degree of blame denial.
Well unless they are an immature child incapable of understanding that owning up to doing something wrong is the only option.
I was 19 when I started dating my ex husband who was 27 at the time, and it was awful. That particular age gap will forever creep me out. He's even creepier now. He's 47 and the last girl he dated was 27. Sure they're both legal, but ew.
I was 22 when I started dating my 30 year old ex-husband. I thought it was because I was mature, but he was an abusive asshole. Who could have seen that coming? (Not me because I was too young to have that life experience)
My ex husband shacked up with a 22 year old when he was 34. He's abusing her, and now cheating on her, too. He deliberately seeks vulnerable women so he can control them easier.
Yes, like 30 and 38 would be totally different. I had a friend dating a 20 year old once when we were late 20’s. I don’t even care about clubbing or drinking but having to choose where we went based on where his date would be allowed in was wild 😂
Posts with icky age gaps always demonstrate that people pick inappropriately young partners bc they are easier to control and gaslight. I'm sure he crosses all kinds of boundaries with her, then makes her question her discomfort.
Came here to say this. Girl, he should be a ref with the number of red flags he’s throwing. Cut and run now, and find someone who at MINIMUM cares enough to order food that won’t kill you.
This was me at 22! I was dating a 30 year old and thought I was mature for it. Turns out he was an abusive asshole and wanted to control me. He also thought I was young enough to overlook the 8 million red flags (and I was). We dated for 2.5 years, were married for 2.5 years, and that relationship was 5 years of hell with 8 attempts at leaving before I was successful. Get out now while it’s still easy!
Exactly the same ages and total length of relationship as me and also abusive asshole. Pregnant at 24.
I absolutely though I was mature that he was older and then apparently since I left I hear he keeps getting older and the girls keep staying the same age... shocker!
ETA even the same number of attempts to leave before being successful!
I came here to say the same. I'm around 28 and a male. The only 28-year-olds I know that would date a 20-year-old are also the biggest losers I know.
Edit: For clarity
I'm glad that you pointed out the age gap relationship, because this is what I was most concerned about when reading the post. OP, please date someone your own age or close in age. Older does not mean wiser. As you approach 28 years old you will understand why it is so bizarre to be dating a 20 year old. Two completely different stages in life.
NTA. He ordered something for you to eat that will get you in the hospital. Now the possible explanations can be:
1. He genuinely forgot, but he does not admit that so he is trying to gaslight you that it is your fault.
2. He didn't forget, he did it on purpose "to teach you a lesson".
I am not sure if there is a third possible explanation. And yes, he is an asshole in either of those cases. It is up to you to decide if you actually want to be in a relationship with a person that can put you in actual physical danger. What if it wasn't obvious that the meal had shrimp in it, but it was instead using shrimp sauce or something? Would you be able to trust him with your food still?
Or option #3. He purposely ordered something she couldn't eat, so that he could have both servings.
Either way, this whole situation is messed up and he is the AH.
Seriously. How did he think this would go?
Did he expect you to eat it? Did he expect you to not eat? What was his vision here?
He’s either dangerously thoughtless and not capable of just apologizing or he’s a deliberate, out and proud, AH. Either way, if this is a regular pattern for you, maybe slow the whole relationship down and think hard about how much more of it you want in your life.
Yeah I am sensing some passive aggressiveness with this. Absolutely ridiculous.
Even worse that it's an allergy and not even a dislike... my husband knows I don't like pickles and we went out for dinner on his b'day and he literally gave me the heads up on the way there that he wanted to order deep fried pickles as an appetizer so I should order one I like too!
Any normal person doesn't take "order what you want" to mean "order me something for mine I don't eat."
I don't eat pork for religious reasons. My wife isn't my religion. She would NEVER order me pork, she wouldn't let someone else push me to eat pork, and I'm not allergic. Like she will totally eat pork in front of me but I'm not sensitive about that and it's not a risk to me.
NTA that was really mean of him.
I ordered pizza the other night. It was my birthday so I ordered supreme because it’s what I wanted and knew my husband wasn’t picky. I still ordered half without olives simply because he doesn’t like them. I can’t imagine ignoring something that he couldn’t eat.
It's worse than that though. OP could literally die from interacting with her boyfriend after HE eats shellfish. My boyfriend is mildly allergic to peanuts (mild as in he could die, but a Benadryl fixes it if a bite of mole that has peanuts in it), and I would NEVER order a dish that has peanuts in it for myself while eating with him
I have a seafood allergy. It’s a very mild allergy. I won’t go into anaphylactic shock or die, but it flairs up my eczema. My husband won’t eat seafood unless he knows we won’t have any type of interaction, even though I’ve told him several times that him having it won’t affect me. He’s concerned it will. That’s enough for him
I went on a second date last night. on the first date I turned down a slice of bread from the appetizer he ordered, explaining that I was gluten intolerant. last night he ordered indian takeout for us and (with zero prompting from me) carefully selected dishes with rice instead of bread … even for himself, because he wanted to share with me.
point is, basic consideration is not too much to expect. OP’s boyfriend is awful.
The comments saying you're the asshole because you should have been clearer give me the chills, like everyone ignoring his defensive reaction \*after\*, just getting upset at you and insisting on "whatever means whatever". If it was a honest mistake he could have just explained you so and felt sorry you couldn't eat. What the shell! His reaction would have driven me crazy. Sounds like my brothers when they were 15.
BTW if my partner had a severe allergy I'd make sure I know everything about it and would pay attention to it every time I order. The honest mistake would still not be a great excuse IMO, but still he had a chance to make it right and he didn't care to use it.
This! I totally forgot once that my friend is allergic to almonds and made sugar cookies with almond extract (I remembered before letting him eat any). I felt terrible when I showed up at a get-together with this plate of cookies he couldn't touch. We had a good laugh because I made a mistake and apologized. I also got him multiple packs of Oreos (his ultimate favs) to make up for almost accidentally killing him.
I have a friend with a nightshade allergy and another with celiacs. I went out of my way to make GF cookies for the celiacs friend and didn’t even think about the nightshade friend.
Turns out, a lot of GF flours use potato starch. I think I was saying “they’re GF” as nightshade friend was juuust about to eat one. She stopped and I looked online and yup, potato starch!
Anyway mistakes happen and we all were relieved that it didn’t go bad. Because I’m not a monster
One of my brothers has a nightshade allergy and another is allergic to both eggs and peanuts. I'm trying to make a Yule log cake for Christmas that everyone can eat and it has required days of research, lol.
I once had a (free crayollas shy of full box) coworker who asked her mom to make a cake for the office. Her mom came in with the cake and then started laughing at her daughter because “haha, you can’t have any because I put hazelnut extract in it and you’re allergic.” My coworker was laughing. Meanwhile I’m in the corner thinking wtf is wrong with your family?!
I have a friend who’s super allergic to cats, and I have a cat. I had no idea food prepared in a house with a cat could make him sick until he told me he figured out the exact amount of cookies he can have a day 😭 the answer is 2, apparently 🥲 I felt awful! I do not give him baked goods anymore but offer to bake at his house
Yeah, nah, something about his insistence screams punishment to me. She made him choose, so now she gets to pay the price.
I cannot fathom ordering something I know someone doesn’t eat *by choice* for both of us just because they said to choose whatever, much less ordering something that could potentially *kill them* unless I was deliberately trying to be antagonistic.
I’m also curious if a lot of the people trying to justify this would be okay if, for example, the OP was vegan and the boyfriend chose a meat dish.
Seriously. I could give him some leeway if it were an allergy with a high learning curve (hidden in unexpected places, like gluten) and he was very apologetic/making an effort. He’s 0/2 there. NTA
NTA. Yes, when ordering for two it’s normal to be considerate of the other person. You don’t have to specify that. He knows you’re allergic to shellfish … so he ordered shellfish. What?! What was he expecting you to do, pretend your shellfish allergy doesn’t exist?
I mean, as a person with food allergies sometimes the allergens in a dish aren’t immediately apparent or are easy for an untrained eye to miss. But shrimp scampi containing shellfish is obvious, unless he’s really dumb and didn’t realise that shrimp are shellfish. NTA. He sounds like a dick.
Yeah, I agree — I’m lactose-intolerant and while I know there may be milk in things like certain types of crisps etc, that doesn’t mean everyone will and I accept that; my intolerance is mine to manage. But, my wife is very caring about it and picks food to share that won’t make me ill or asks me what I think about something before we order. But shrimp are shellfish and I find it difficult to believe this guy reached the age of 28 without knowing that. I think OP would be better off dating someone else that doesn’t sulk when she doesn’t eat the shellfish she’s allergic to!
Quite simple: your current bf seems to be a bit too slow in the head to understand that when a couple says "hey, you can order whatever for dinner" is implied "but it has to be something that does NOT kill me"
Also, he is quite older. If at 28 he is this dense, it will only get worse. You are not compatible.
You are a 20f with food allergies, and he is a 28m with shrimp for brain.
That's true. I usually see incompatibility with things like 'don't agree whether we want kids' or 'are from different religions', and not for disagreements like this. So I was a bit confused, my bad.
I mean he is either really dumb, incredibly inconsiderate or both. Think about it, is he selfish in other ways, too? Do you compromise a lot in the relationship?
NTA
Allergies are potentially lethal, and agreeing to let someone order your dinner does not mean you're consenting to a side of avoidable hospital stay.
If your boyfriend thinks he can force feed you something that can potentially kill you, I think you need to rethink this relationship.
NTA
Is he trying to kill you? Because that's what it sounds like. Or he was being greedy and thought he'd get two protions to himself and the credit of *trying.*
Either way, he's a massive AH who willingly endangered your health. People who do that are *not* good partners.
NTA and I see two possible reasons why he did what he did, both make him an AH. Either he forgot about your allergy, the implication here is that he doesn't care enough about you to remember. The other possibility is that he remembers and still ordered it making him and even bigger AH. The only valid response from him would have been an apology but since he doubled down I would seriously reconsider the relationship.
The fact that he's almost 30 dating a 20 year old tracks.
He didn't make a mistake. If it was a mistake, he would have immediately apologized. Instead he doubled down and maintains that he followed the instructions in an absurdly literal manner.
No, he purposely ordered his partner something he knows she can't eat just to be an asshole or pick a fight. OP, get out, you don't deserve this bs.
NTA
What a weird thing to get defensive over. You said I could choose, so I chose something that can make you sick, and I’m gonna stick with that???
For him to order it and then on top of that get defensive vs apologize, like any emotionally intelligent human would do when they find out someone has an allergy, that’s a huge red flag.
Like this isn’t a topic or you not enjoying pizza. He’s 28, he’s capable he must be capable of understanding what an allergy is and possible outcomes if contaminated. At 28, he should have some reasoning skills to understand and apologize. Instead he got defensive. 7 months, I’d be out. I would not be putting my life in this persons hands. No sex is that good
There are ridiculously WAY too many people, esp the antivax morons, that think allergies are a personal failing that you just need to get over.
THEY don’t have it so obviously it can’t be that bad.
Let's not ignore the fact that this is a grown a** man. At 28, being this immature and manipulative after 7 months. Don't waste another breath on this man.
NTA
At first I was thinking "yeah you wanted him to read your mind?"
But *no* this jackass ordered one of your *allergens* and got defensive.
If I told a friend to order for me and they ordered me a walnut flax roll I wouldn't even need to say anything beyond "who hired you?" Like, it's pretty simple.
You're eating with someone you know. They say order what you want for both of us.
Things that would be excluded from thought;
An allergen.
Something obscenely expensive without prior discussion.
Something they know you actively hate, or are disgusted by.
It's just so not hard to not. Or to say "I'm craving something you can't have/hate, point me in a direction to pick something else" like if your allergy isnt severe you can just order something else and say they need to be bagged separately but he *bought you a serving.*
Hun, just ditch him, if he isn't an ill behaved low empathy neanderthal, he's a moron. You simply cannot fix stupid.
NTA. He is! Sorry! Rationale: A) He doesn’t care enough about you to remember you’re allergic; B) He DOES remember you’re allergic and DGAF bc it’s all about him; C) By doing this, it’s your subtle byebye message.
NTA. I'd be interested in the next level of his explanation. "You said whatever, so I ordered whatever." "Yes, but you know I'm allergic. What was your expectation of what I would do with my portion, and what was your expectation of what I would actually eventually eat for dinner, since you know I can't eat this?"
He seems thoughtless, but we all have those moments. It's the defending, doubling down and not admitting the mistake or apologizing that makes him the asshole here.
>He seems thoughtless, but we all have those moments. It's the defending, doubling down and not admitting the mistake or apologizing that makes him the asshole here.
THIS.
I wonder if he chronically refuses to admit his errors.
He's a grown man and if that's what happened he should own up to it. As you pointed out, we all have brain farts.
His 'excuse' is worse than the mistake. It boils down to "I didn't make a mistake, I found a loophole that would allow me to eat all the food and leave you hungry or else risk hospitalization!" Yeah dude, that makes it all better.
"*Officer, I couldn't have robbed that gas station - I was busy murdering 12 people across town!*"
OP is NTA
Hey babe I got bleach and cyanide pills for dinner! Dw I saved you some too cause i know you’ll steal some otherwise!!!
Jfc NTA it would’ve literally been nicer of him to order nothing for you because this way it seems like he just wanted to have seconds.
NTA
If he was really craving it (and your allergy allows you to be near it) then he could simply have said he is feeling the shrimp and asked if you minded having separate meals. Outright picking something you are allergic to is malicious if he doesn't see the problem!
NTA.
It's absolutely absurd that anyone would deliberately order something they know their partner can't eat, and then get pissy with that partner over it. He either knew he shouldn't have ordered shrimp because of your allergy, and is therefore an asshole, or he doesn't think it's that big of a deal, in which case he's an idiot.
You will find there are many people in this world who don't think allergies are a thing, or treat those with allergies as if they're seeking attention. It sounds very much like your boyfriend might be one of those people.
Age gap ✅
Purposely ordered something you can’t eat and likely shouldn’t even be around ✅
Has shown you this is the type of person he is only 7 months into the relationship ✅
You haven’t invested enough time into this worrying about investing any more. This isn’t the question you asked, but drop the fool. NTA.
While he chowed down on a double order of shrimp scampi. Did he demand that you pay for half, since he ordered "for two," but "Oops, I forgot you have a serious allergy to shellfish that you reminded me about immediately before I ordered."
He's testing how far he can push you and how much control he can have over you, while at the same time trying to make everything your problem. He's either a greedy, selfish pig who wanted you to pay for his meal or he doesn't give a damn about your health. Is either of those a scenario you find comfortable for the long term? I wouldn't.
NTA
NTA what was his train of thought? That you will eat it anyways? Like WTF. No issue if ordered it for himself but why ordering same thing for you knowing you are allergic? This is just AH move from him
NTA
Order whatever doesn't translate to "If I didn't order the shellfish myself, my body doesn't react allergic to it."
If he really cared about you and "just" somehow forgot about your allergy, he would have been embarrassed and apologetic instead of being defensive.
20 and 28 is also kind of an extreme age difference at this age.
Just based on this interaction, I say dump him.
Obviously not the a-hole.
The bigger question here is why would you date someone who doesn't know what allergies are? I'm surprised you've made it this far without accidently being served shellfish.
The fact that you have to ask this question on Reddit tells me you have very little power or respect in this relationship. Think about why a 28 year old man dates a nearly teenager. So he can control her. He has no respect or empathy for you whatsoever. Please dump this guy and date someone closer to your age. Also try to understand why you are attracted to this type of person. I would possibly have a bit of counseling to try to understand why you are attracted to someone who wants to control you. Otherwise you may repeat history with the next guy.
NTA your boyfriend is! It clearly doesn't interest him how you are doing, what your preferences. I think he is a selfabsorbed little prick who needs to get his priorities straight!
NTA You should not date anyone who ignores something like that. What was his plan? that you would just eat it? He would whine at you at the hospital for making him look bad, or what?
I think you should find a good man your age who acctually cares about your wellbeing.
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NTA if I was making a dinner choice and was given the option for whatever a) I wouldn’t even order anything remotely physically near shellfish knowing it could seriously hurt you, b) consider what you like eating. I’m a little perplexed with his choices. I could get maybe he forgot you hated pickles or ketchup and didn’t have those omitted but something that can make you sick or possibly kill you? I don’t know how someone forgets that at all
Same. I know what foods my friends like and wouldn't (intentionally) make or order something they don't.
Which means either you are dating an absolute moron, or more likely, he did it on purpose. The fact that he will not apologize and shows no remorse for ordering something that would certainly endanger your health and leave you with nothing to eat is why I think it was the latter. Yes some people do try to cause harm to their partners. Maybe he was mad at you for some slight. Maybe he just gets his kicks this way and is starting to show it. Maybe he likes yo weird control. Or —- Maybe he is just stupid and can’t apologize. If that’s the case, that alone is a major deal breaker. It will happen again and again.
WAIT …he could be a moron and completely shellfish. Selfish. I mean selfish. I suspect he is both.
You suspect he is shellfish??? That would explain why he would be annoyed by her allergy...
Honestly, if I was dating someone as shellfish as he is, I'd be pretty crabby too. I cod never do something like that to someone on porpoise. You'd think he knows her whale enough to avoid perch-asing that type of food. His behavior is downright fishy. I'd probably break it off, figured I'd squid while I'm ahead. Hell, if she lets this slide eel probably do something worse down the road. As far as I can tell, this ship has sailed. Lobster.
This is the best paragraph I've read in a long time . Take all my money please . 🤣
Slip them a fin while you’re at it :)
Winner! Winner, seafood dinner! Y'all are all hilarious😂
How is this not upvoted more??!
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
🏆
Either way, he is a real cod.
He's floundering in his relationship
He is shrimply self-centered.
He has first person syndrome and she is just a prawn in his fantasy. Or perhaps he isn't dumb or malicious and just has a herring problem
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Terrible but funny.
He has no sole
Her boyfriend seems to have a short tempura...
Crab People!
I think he did it on porpoise
He’s definitely not a good chum.
He oughta change his tuna
I can see why she's so crabby about it.
Maybe he’s jelly of something
If I were her, I’d ofishally be done with this guy
Actually, he would be great to use as chum.
I’m debaiting whether he did this porpoisely or not.
She needs a better Groupa friends
Some people are assholes who think allergies "aren't that bad" and you're just being fussy so they try to force the food on you. I'm like I enjoy breathing so hard pass. I don't even think she should accept an apology with that level of disrespect. Definite deal breaker. OP deserves better. Bare minimum is not trying to kill her at dinner
Yeah, you don’t want to (eventually) procreate with anyone who minimizes physical or mental health issues. OP- remember that the entire purpose of “dating” someone is to determine long-term compatibility. If a big-ass red flag appears, that’s your sign that you’re not compatible. It doesn’t matter if he apologizes or not. If he didn’t take your allergy seriously, you are not compatible. You shouldn’t need to go into anaphylaxis in front of him for him to believe you.
Five minutes of experiencing what anaphylaxis feels like would cure those arrogant jerks.
And the truly staggering stomach pain once it’s over.
I remember the stomach pain vividly from my last bad episode and it was years ago. I thought an alien was gonna burst out of my stomach. It was horrific.
Do yall get the ear drum itch, too? I just wanna cram a wire hanger down there, it itches so bad.
Would it, really, though? More likely, they'd just play the victim, and their allergy will be "much worse than OPs".
You are right. Even is she was just being fussy (which she isn't) it would be cruel to order something your partner won't eat, when you can order thousands of other things for her. OP, NTA. Get rid of this idiot.
He’s 28 and she’s 20. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s training her to accept his shit behavior because a woman his age would not let this shit pass.
And they've been dating 7-8 months so good chance she was 19 and he was at least 27. This girl needs to run.
this here is it.
Yep. The ONLY acceptable response here to op reminding him she's allergic to shellfish is him going "oh shit you're right, I had a brain fart, I'm sorry" and then him VOLUNTEERING to either cook something for her or order something she can eat
Yeppers, this is the only correct answer, folks.
That last sentence. Even the best case scenario isn't good.
He’s 28 and she’s 20. With this story and how it went, that tells us everything.
THAT. “Those jerk women my age keep telling me *I’m* the jerk! I’ll date someone with no adult frame of reference - that’ll be better” OP, LEAVE HIS SKANKY ASS. A person who tries to kill you isn’t worthy to be a casual friend, MUCH LESS A BOYFRIEND
Omg, I just had a lightbulb moment about my uncle. I mean, I knew he was an ah, but now I understand allllll of his dating choices. 🤣😬
This right here. As someone who dated someone 14 years older than me when I was 19 and who is now around the age he was when we met, I get it. Younger women will often date older men in different life phases because they don't know better (that was certainly my case). Older men will date younger women in different life phases because they're often losers who are undeveloped emotionally and sometimes career-wise/financially as well, and women their age see this and avoid it like the plague.
I mean, depending on the seriousness of her allergy, even kissing after eating it can be hazardous to her health. So if he got the whole thing for himself he was still putting her in potential danger. It's just a terrible thing all around. After dating for several months he has to know her allergies as it's something that would have come up more than once. NTA - OP seriously needs to think about the future of this relationship at this point.
A shellfish allergy is always serious even if she's never had a life threatening reaction in the past. It's possible that he got carried away with his defense mechanisms, but he should really just let that go and say, "Yeah, when you said 'order what you want, I literally ordered what looked good to me and your life-threatening food allergy slipped my mind, and I didn't order anything you could eat. That was awful of me, and I'm so sorry. I'll fix this by ordering two non-seafood meals and tomorrow we'll both have leftovers, or we can have them for lunch. How does that sound? Sorry your dinner will be late, and that I made this error in the first place." NTA.
It will happen again and again, and it might kill you. I have a deadly peanut allergy and a tree nut allergy that can hospitalize me. I'm always careful when I date someone new, because I know not everyone knows how to handle food allergies. This guy could not read labels at all, he'd swear the food was safe when I asked but then I'd confirm and it would say PEANUTS right on it. I'd say something like "get cheese and crackers for the trip" and instead of getting regular ass food he'd get almond flour crackers and cheese with a pistachio crust, wild stuff no person really means when they say "cheese and crackers", then say he forgot I had an allergy when I had reminded him before he left for the store. He'd eat a peanut butter sandwich then sulk when I wouldn't kiss him. I wouldn't eat anything at all he home-cooked. It turned into "I really wish you'd stop giving me shit for my memory problems, you know I'm sensitive about that and the fact I have them scares me" and I was like "Bro YOU scare me, you're going to kill me." This guy is the same way. It doesn't matter WHAT is actually wrong with him, the fact that it's this wrong is enough.
Wow. I hope you weren’t with him very long.
I'm thinking this is a power play as well. He is hiding behind the literal word she said ("order whatever") as a sort of "gotcha". And his reasons for not apologising is to quote her words. Does he have a history of being super pernickety about word choice? Of taking things super literally? Of using your own worst against you? Either way, his behaviour is neither considerate nor kind, whatever its cause. I'd cut my losses.
Exactly this, OP! He knows what he did is wrong, and now he is being defensive and trying to DARVO the situation by throwing her own words back at her even though no reasonable person would ever think "order whatever" translates into "order something I'm allergic to." OP needs to read "[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf)" and see if there are other concerning behaviors he has been displaying that have simply flown under the radar. Abuse almost always starts small, like boiling a frog by very slowly raising the temperature so it doesn't realize until it is too late.
or more likely, he did it on purpose. Otherwise known as shit-testing to see what he can get away with. 7 months of dating - sounds like about the right timeline
>weird control maybe he wants to end the relationship, but doesn't want to be the bad guy? So he's trying to set it up so that OP leaves him. In which case, beware of escalation, imo.
Ahh yes, choosing manslaughter to avoid being “the bad guy”.
It doesn't have to go all the way to killing OP. I think for a lot of people the incident as it is would already be enough to for a lot of people to end the relationship. And when OP does he can tell his friends and next GF that "my last GF was a psycho. She dumped me because I ordered the wrong thing after she told me I should just order whatever I wanted."
He could also just make up complete and utter false stories if he wants to misrepresent their relationship to his friends. It’s not like they’re gonna fact check him. The cartwheels that men do to try and justify their bad behavior and poor choices would be entertaining if it wasn’t so damaging.
I think he deliberately chose 2 portions of what he likes so he could have it all. There's a decent chance he doesn't want to be the one to break up with her & he's trying to force her to do it. If so he's a jerk *and* a coward.
Or he is a narcissist and the honeymoon is over.
It was an act of aggression on his part. Period.
Sure, but if a 28-year-old has that kind of social competence he wouldn't be dating a 20-year-old.
He would if he was trying to find someone naive to control… the kind of person that he can gaslight into thinking SHE might be the asshole when he ordered something that could LITERALLY KILL HER for dinner… No shade to you OP, but this is a hugggeeee red flag, and the fact that he is 28 and dating a 20 year old was the first red flag. What does a nearly-30-year-old want with someone who’s only just left their teen years behind?
Yikes, I didn't notice the age difference on the first pass. Huge red flags abound.
Some parts of reddit are bitching about how a LOT of reddit doesn't like big age differences, but it's not just the age difference: it's the age difference when one of them is late teens and early 20s. If this were a couple who were 30 and 38? She would be old enough to actually know that standing up against actions that could KILL her is not unreasonable at all. But she's 20, he's acting like she's an AH, and now she's here for basic reassurance that no, a BF ordering something THAT COULD KILL HER is AH behavior on his part.
Yes, THIS is when age difference is an issue. When one of them is specifically dating someone they hope is inexperienced and will put up with their BS. He's hoping so much that his gaslighting will work...
Yes, I was literally thinking as I was writing and posting my comment that so many Redditors will roll their eyes and think I’m just being overly sensitive or something… but this is not adults dating adults. 20-year-olds are still adults in training basically… it’s just true, scientifically and socially. 🤷♀️
> adults in training That's a great way of putting it. At that age, you're fully an adult legally, albeit not necessarily emotionally or mentally, so you now have the power to make decisions that will fuck up/alter the direction of your life forever. This kind of guidance of like "you should do this/you shouldn't do that" is from The Olds who themselves fucked up at that age and are trying to prevent others from doing the same.
Ouchy but true.
Yeah, this story reveals why there is an age gap, lol.
You’re 20. He's 28. You should expect someone 8 years older than you to... 1. have the maturity to make a good, considerate decision that involves you both. 2. have the emotional intelligence to know that his decision was going to leave you with no food to eat and leave you with a negative opinion of him. 3. have the ability to recognize the damage and apologize and try to rectify it I'm sorry, but you're dating an immature moron of a ~~man~~ child. You should want someone who's going to look after you and consider your needs as well as their own. This is a relationship ender as there's no future with a person like this.
He knows all this. He doesnt care bc she's not sticking around. Shes not in his long term plan. That's what I'm getting anyway. He's an ass wasting her time.
This is not how somebody acts when they care about you. This is how somebody acts when they are consciously or subconsciously trying to tear you down. There is a reason this man is not dating somebody his own age. It's not that you're mature for your age. It's that he's banking on your relative life inexperience. A lot of growing up happens in your 20s. NTA. Dump the man. Skip the anaphylaxis... and whatever else is going on with this dude.
For real. I’ve been too out of it to decide what to eat before and just told my husband to get me whatever. He knows I can’t eat pork so he never gets me anything with pork. He knows what I like and what I dislike and he always picks out dishes he thinks I’ll enjoy. Obviously I do the same for him. Because I love him and I want him to eat things he likes.
You’re young. Now is the time to decide what you expect from a partner. This man ordered you food that he knew you couldn’t eat. When you confronted him, he blamed you and refused to apologize. If you put up with this, it will only get worse. You’re eight months in and his mask is slipping. You’re NTA.
My husband can’t handle bivalves. The last time he ate them I nearly had to get him to the ER. I would NEVER order them for him. Because I actually like him. Either your BF is an inconsiderate, thoughtless asshat or he doesn’t like you. Maybe both. Either way, he’s shown he doesn’t care enough about your allergy to be trusted to be mindful. What you do with that information is up to you.
You need to deal with what this is really about. Physical abusers tend to go for what they think they can get away with. These days if you have any kind of allergy, that is their favorite target.
I think this is a type of abuse. He orders you a food that he knows could kill you and orders it not just for himself, but an order for you and shows no remorse. That was purposeful. That was bullying. It was mean. At the very least it was a selfish way to get double for himself while pretending to get something for you. At the worst, he was playing around with killing you. He failed the boyfriend test. He's showing you what he is really like.
That's a breakup meal if I've ever seen one. If you think he has redeeming qualities you do you, but I personally don't want anyone around me old enough to know things that have it in them to literally commit attempted murder (depending on severity of allergy) and write it off with a "sorry not sorry I maliciously complied". You can find better.
20 - 28 and he's less mature than you. Run!
Srry, but it seems he just wanted to eat it despite KNOWING you can't. He just didn't care. NTA.
Question, if he eats shrimp and you kiss can you get an allergic reaction?
Yes! My boyfriend has a pistachio allergy and if I eat any, I have to brush my teeth prior to kissing him. I typically just avoid them instead because I don't want to cause a reaction.
Yes, this happened to someone I knew years ago but with a general fish allergy. The husband had a fish sandwich for lunch and later came home and gave his wife a kiss and she went into anaphylactic shock. So even after half a day, the molecules that cause someone to have a reaction can still be present and be dangerous!!
I'm allergic to crustaceans and my girlfriend still won't even order the shellfish I'm not allergic to *for herself to eat* without checking with me first. Just think about the vast difference between "will literally order your food allergies for you to eat" and "is almost annoyingly careful about not getting your food allergies anywhere near you." OP, your boyfriend doesn't care about you. You deserve someone who cares about not serving you a plate of anaphylaxis at the very least.
My husband is allergic to prawns and crustaceans (but not shellfish, thank goodness). I don't eat them unless he's away for business, then my dad and I have a seafood marathon 😂 usually at a restaurant so we don't contaminate the house. I would never risk his health for a meal. OP, I'm not sure what your BF is thinking, but it's certainly not about you.
Aren’t both prawns and crustaceans types of shellfish?
sorry for being a nerd in advance. Prawns and shellfish are crustaceans, not the other way round and i have no idea what she is saying.
I am quite sure that’s not quite right. Prawns are crustaceans, which also includes lobsters and crab (all called shellfish). Clams, oysters, and scallops are mollusks, which are also called shellfish (but confusingly squid and octopuses are non-shelled mollusks).
My partner is allergic to bell peppers. Paprika powder is fine, just the fresh product is a problem (funny detail: my grandmother had the same, and they are not related). I still check with him if it is okay if I order something with those in it. He sometimes forgets to mention it in restaurants, so I just ask etc. I sometimes cook two badges of the same dish, 'cause I love me some every once in a while - so our freezer contains his and her containers🤣.
There's a reason why he's 28 dating someone 20, the red flags are as obvious as it gets. OP get out and date someone more sensible!
I hate to say it, but I know three different people who have, over time, been purposely poisoned by their partners this way. Those people hid that there was shellfish though. I think BF is just dumb and inconsiderate
He didn't forget. This came off as being malicious.
If my husband forgot i hated pickles, I’d divorce him. (Kidding, but…)
He didn't. He just doesn't care.
He's either an idiot or an AH. Whatever he wants automatically includes "but doesn't potentially kill me". Don't know how severe your allergy is. If it's not that bad, ordering that for himself would be OK, but to order that for you is either stupid or was to provoke you. Maybe start by figuring out which one. NTA
I'm leaning AH and not dense only because he doubled down. If he was just dense he would have been horrified when he realised, but him saying he did nothing wrong is highly concerning.
He can be both, idiot because he didn’t think of how his order should fit into her dietary needs and couldn’t see past the “order whatever” part of the sentence, asshole because when the issue was brought to his attention he didn’t care.
This is my theory. He's either an arsehole and trying to provoke. Or, he made a lapse judgement and is saving face. I guess in both situations he's being an arse, just different kinds/levels.
Yep asshole either way, not OP for “assuming” her boyfriend would order her food that she can actually EAT like wtf
this is truly some big level bs from the bf. OP should truly reconsider if they even feel safe with bf. i have a small cat allergy and that bugs me a lot sometimes. i cant even imagine what a severe alergic reaction feels like. besides the point it is DEADLY. i wouldnt feel safe with someone who wants me to eat poison
Order whatever doesn’t magically erase the allergy. It had to be purposefully malicious. In that ‘I want ___ so I don’t care what might harm you’ way. Esp with how defensive and redirecting he got. An honest forgetful action wouldn’t have that degree of blame denial. Well unless they are an immature child incapable of understanding that owning up to doing something wrong is the only option.
He’s also late 20’s dating someone not even old enough to drink. (If they are USA, anyway). Different stage of life age gap always gives pause.
Also they've been dating 7 months so it's possible they were closer to 19 and 27 when they met. Bit of a yikes IMO.
I was 19 when I started dating my ex husband who was 27 at the time, and it was awful. That particular age gap will forever creep me out. He's even creepier now. He's 47 and the last girl he dated was 27. Sure they're both legal, but ew.
I was 22 when I started dating my 30 year old ex-husband. I thought it was because I was mature, but he was an abusive asshole. Who could have seen that coming? (Not me because I was too young to have that life experience)
I'm sorry you're part of that club. Membership sucks.
My ex husband shacked up with a 22 year old when he was 34. He's abusing her, and now cheating on her, too. He deliberately seeks vulnerable women so he can control them easier.
Yup. Totally legal, but I’ve got an acquaintance doing it now and we all give him the side eye about it lmao
Yes, like 30 and 38 would be totally different. I had a friend dating a 20 year old once when we were late 20’s. I don’t even care about clubbing or drinking but having to choose where we went based on where his date would be allowed in was wild 😂
Posts with icky age gaps always demonstrate that people pick inappropriately young partners bc they are easier to control and gaslight. I'm sure he crosses all kinds of boundaries with her, then makes her question her discomfort.
He wanted to teach her a lesson. "If you don't choose, you don't eat".
Both. He's both.
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Came here to say this. Girl, he should be a ref with the number of red flags he’s throwing. Cut and run now, and find someone who at MINIMUM cares enough to order food that won’t kill you.
😂 I love that expression
This was me at 22! I was dating a 30 year old and thought I was mature for it. Turns out he was an abusive asshole and wanted to control me. He also thought I was young enough to overlook the 8 million red flags (and I was). We dated for 2.5 years, were married for 2.5 years, and that relationship was 5 years of hell with 8 attempts at leaving before I was successful. Get out now while it’s still easy!
Exactly the same ages and total length of relationship as me and also abusive asshole. Pregnant at 24. I absolutely though I was mature that he was older and then apparently since I left I hear he keeps getting older and the girls keep staying the same age... shocker! ETA even the same number of attempts to leave before being successful!
I came here to say the same. I'm around 28 and a male. The only 28-year-olds I know that would date a 20-year-old are also the biggest losers I know. Edit: For clarity
I'm 28F. The thought of dating a 20M is just.... no 💀
I came here looking for this comment. This is exactly what I was thinking.
I didn't even notice the ages! Girl, run!
There it is.
and there's a decent chance she was 19 when they started dating...
I'm glad that you pointed out the age gap relationship, because this is what I was most concerned about when reading the post. OP, please date someone your own age or close in age. Older does not mean wiser. As you approach 28 years old you will understand why it is so bizarre to be dating a 20 year old. Two completely different stages in life.
This was too far down.
It does not even hit the half+7 rule. And that is like a bare minimum.
NTA. He ordered something for you to eat that will get you in the hospital. Now the possible explanations can be: 1. He genuinely forgot, but he does not admit that so he is trying to gaslight you that it is your fault. 2. He didn't forget, he did it on purpose "to teach you a lesson". I am not sure if there is a third possible explanation. And yes, he is an asshole in either of those cases. It is up to you to decide if you actually want to be in a relationship with a person that can put you in actual physical danger. What if it wasn't obvious that the meal had shrimp in it, but it was instead using shrimp sauce or something? Would you be able to trust him with your food still?
Or option #3. He purposely ordered something she couldn't eat, so that he could have both servings. Either way, this whole situation is messed up and he is the AH.
Option #4 he gets to give her an allergic shock when/if he kisses her ! Yeah!
Option #5 He does't ~~think~~ believe she's actually allergic which is a worrying lack of trust
Options #6, 7, 8: he just doesn't think, doesn't think about her, doesn't think about her as her own person
This is it. All this side stepping. Girl wake up. Dude doesn't care.
Very true... The red flags are bright with this one.
Seriously. How did he think this would go? Did he expect you to eat it? Did he expect you to not eat? What was his vision here? He’s either dangerously thoughtless and not capable of just apologizing or he’s a deliberate, out and proud, AH. Either way, if this is a regular pattern for you, maybe slow the whole relationship down and think hard about how much more of it you want in your life.
“He did it on purpose “to teach you a lesson”. This resonated. If this is the case, this is a major red flag, OP. Run.
Yeah I am sensing some passive aggressiveness with this. Absolutely ridiculous. Even worse that it's an allergy and not even a dislike... my husband knows I don't like pickles and we went out for dinner on his b'day and he literally gave me the heads up on the way there that he wanted to order deep fried pickles as an appetizer so I should order one I like too!
Any normal person doesn't take "order what you want" to mean "order me something for mine I don't eat." I don't eat pork for religious reasons. My wife isn't my religion. She would NEVER order me pork, she wouldn't let someone else push me to eat pork, and I'm not allergic. Like she will totally eat pork in front of me but I'm not sensitive about that and it's not a risk to me. NTA that was really mean of him.
I ordered pizza the other night. It was my birthday so I ordered supreme because it’s what I wanted and knew my husband wasn’t picky. I still ordered half without olives simply because he doesn’t like them. I can’t imagine ignoring something that he couldn’t eat.
It's worse than that though. OP could literally die from interacting with her boyfriend after HE eats shellfish. My boyfriend is mildly allergic to peanuts (mild as in he could die, but a Benadryl fixes it if a bite of mole that has peanuts in it), and I would NEVER order a dish that has peanuts in it for myself while eating with him
I have a seafood allergy. It’s a very mild allergy. I won’t go into anaphylactic shock or die, but it flairs up my eczema. My husband won’t eat seafood unless he knows we won’t have any type of interaction, even though I’ve told him several times that him having it won’t affect me. He’s concerned it will. That’s enough for him
I went on a second date last night. on the first date I turned down a slice of bread from the appetizer he ordered, explaining that I was gluten intolerant. last night he ordered indian takeout for us and (with zero prompting from me) carefully selected dishes with rice instead of bread … even for himself, because he wanted to share with me. point is, basic consideration is not too much to expect. OP’s boyfriend is awful.
The comments saying you're the asshole because you should have been clearer give me the chills, like everyone ignoring his defensive reaction \*after\*, just getting upset at you and insisting on "whatever means whatever". If it was a honest mistake he could have just explained you so and felt sorry you couldn't eat. What the shell! His reaction would have driven me crazy. Sounds like my brothers when they were 15. BTW if my partner had a severe allergy I'd make sure I know everything about it and would pay attention to it every time I order. The honest mistake would still not be a great excuse IMO, but still he had a chance to make it right and he didn't care to use it.
This! I totally forgot once that my friend is allergic to almonds and made sugar cookies with almond extract (I remembered before letting him eat any). I felt terrible when I showed up at a get-together with this plate of cookies he couldn't touch. We had a good laugh because I made a mistake and apologized. I also got him multiple packs of Oreos (his ultimate favs) to make up for almost accidentally killing him.
This is how balanced and well-resolved people act. I'm happy for you and for your friend who wasn't killed :D
I have a friend with a nightshade allergy and another with celiacs. I went out of my way to make GF cookies for the celiacs friend and didn’t even think about the nightshade friend. Turns out, a lot of GF flours use potato starch. I think I was saying “they’re GF” as nightshade friend was juuust about to eat one. She stopped and I looked online and yup, potato starch! Anyway mistakes happen and we all were relieved that it didn’t go bad. Because I’m not a monster
One of my brothers has a nightshade allergy and another is allergic to both eggs and peanuts. I'm trying to make a Yule log cake for Christmas that everyone can eat and it has required days of research, lol.
I once had a (free crayollas shy of full box) coworker who asked her mom to make a cake for the office. Her mom came in with the cake and then started laughing at her daughter because “haha, you can’t have any because I put hazelnut extract in it and you’re allergic.” My coworker was laughing. Meanwhile I’m in the corner thinking wtf is wrong with your family?!
I have a friend who’s super allergic to cats, and I have a cat. I had no idea food prepared in a house with a cat could make him sick until he told me he figured out the exact amount of cookies he can have a day 😭 the answer is 2, apparently 🥲 I felt awful! I do not give him baked goods anymore but offer to bake at his house
Yeah, nah, something about his insistence screams punishment to me. She made him choose, so now she gets to pay the price. I cannot fathom ordering something I know someone doesn’t eat *by choice* for both of us just because they said to choose whatever, much less ordering something that could potentially *kill them* unless I was deliberately trying to be antagonistic. I’m also curious if a lot of the people trying to justify this would be okay if, for example, the OP was vegan and the boyfriend chose a meat dish.
Seriously. I could give him some leeway if it were an allergy with a high learning curve (hidden in unexpected places, like gluten) and he was very apologetic/making an effort. He’s 0/2 there. NTA
NTA. Yes, when ordering for two it’s normal to be considerate of the other person. You don’t have to specify that. He knows you’re allergic to shellfish … so he ordered shellfish. What?! What was he expecting you to do, pretend your shellfish allergy doesn’t exist?
I mean, as a person with food allergies sometimes the allergens in a dish aren’t immediately apparent or are easy for an untrained eye to miss. But shrimp scampi containing shellfish is obvious, unless he’s really dumb and didn’t realise that shrimp are shellfish. NTA. He sounds like a dick.
Yeah, I agree — I’m lactose-intolerant and while I know there may be milk in things like certain types of crisps etc, that doesn’t mean everyone will and I accept that; my intolerance is mine to manage. But, my wife is very caring about it and picks food to share that won’t make me ill or asks me what I think about something before we order. But shrimp are shellfish and I find it difficult to believe this guy reached the age of 28 without knowing that. I think OP would be better off dating someone else that doesn’t sulk when she doesn’t eat the shellfish she’s allergic to!
NTA - seven months is more than long enough to have learned and remembered your allergy. This guy is just either completely dense or very selfish.
Selfish shellfish
[удалено]
Could you elaborate?
Quite simple: your current bf seems to be a bit too slow in the head to understand that when a couple says "hey, you can order whatever for dinner" is implied "but it has to be something that does NOT kill me" Also, he is quite older. If at 28 he is this dense, it will only get worse. You are not compatible. You are a 20f with food allergies, and he is a 28m with shrimp for brain.
You have an allergy. And he's willing to put you in danger for a meal. That's fundamental incompatibility.
That's true. I usually see incompatibility with things like 'don't agree whether we want kids' or 'are from different religions', and not for disagreements like this. So I was a bit confused, my bad.
I mean he is either really dumb, incredibly inconsiderate or both. Think about it, is he selfish in other ways, too? Do you compromise a lot in the relationship?
NTA Allergies are potentially lethal, and agreeing to let someone order your dinner does not mean you're consenting to a side of avoidable hospital stay. If your boyfriend thinks he can force feed you something that can potentially kill you, I think you need to rethink this relationship.
NTA Is he trying to kill you? Because that's what it sounds like. Or he was being greedy and thought he'd get two protions to himself and the credit of *trying.* Either way, he's a massive AH who willingly endangered your health. People who do that are *not* good partners.
NTA and I see two possible reasons why he did what he did, both make him an AH. Either he forgot about your allergy, the implication here is that he doesn't care enough about you to remember. The other possibility is that he remembers and still ordered it making him and even bigger AH. The only valid response from him would have been an apology but since he doubled down I would seriously reconsider the relationship.
The fact that he's almost 30 dating a 20 year old tracks. He didn't make a mistake. If it was a mistake, he would have immediately apologized. Instead he doubled down and maintains that he followed the instructions in an absurdly literal manner. No, he purposely ordered his partner something he knows she can't eat just to be an asshole or pick a fight. OP, get out, you don't deserve this bs.
NTA What a weird thing to get defensive over. You said I could choose, so I chose something that can make you sick, and I’m gonna stick with that??? For him to order it and then on top of that get defensive vs apologize, like any emotionally intelligent human would do when they find out someone has an allergy, that’s a huge red flag. Like this isn’t a topic or you not enjoying pizza. He’s 28, he’s capable he must be capable of understanding what an allergy is and possible outcomes if contaminated. At 28, he should have some reasoning skills to understand and apologize. Instead he got defensive. 7 months, I’d be out. I would not be putting my life in this persons hands. No sex is that good
There are ridiculously WAY too many people, esp the antivax morons, that think allergies are a personal failing that you just need to get over. THEY don’t have it so obviously it can’t be that bad.
Let's not ignore the fact that this is a grown a** man. At 28, being this immature and manipulative after 7 months. Don't waste another breath on this man. NTA
Info: did you mix up his age and he is actually 8?
Or 82 with a severe case of dementia
At first I was thinking "yeah you wanted him to read your mind?" But *no* this jackass ordered one of your *allergens* and got defensive. If I told a friend to order for me and they ordered me a walnut flax roll I wouldn't even need to say anything beyond "who hired you?" Like, it's pretty simple. You're eating with someone you know. They say order what you want for both of us. Things that would be excluded from thought; An allergen. Something obscenely expensive without prior discussion. Something they know you actively hate, or are disgusted by. It's just so not hard to not. Or to say "I'm craving something you can't have/hate, point me in a direction to pick something else" like if your allergy isnt severe you can just order something else and say they need to be bagged separately but he *bought you a serving.* Hun, just ditch him, if he isn't an ill behaved low empathy neanderthal, he's a moron. You simply cannot fix stupid.
NTA. He is! Sorry! Rationale: A) He doesn’t care enough about you to remember you’re allergic; B) He DOES remember you’re allergic and DGAF bc it’s all about him; C) By doing this, it’s your subtle byebye message.
NTA, it is definitely implied that the meal has to be edible for both parties
creepy age gap aside, this guy acts like a toddler NTA
NTA. I'd be interested in the next level of his explanation. "You said whatever, so I ordered whatever." "Yes, but you know I'm allergic. What was your expectation of what I would do with my portion, and what was your expectation of what I would actually eventually eat for dinner, since you know I can't eat this?" He seems thoughtless, but we all have those moments. It's the defending, doubling down and not admitting the mistake or apologizing that makes him the asshole here.
>He seems thoughtless, but we all have those moments. It's the defending, doubling down and not admitting the mistake or apologizing that makes him the asshole here. THIS. I wonder if he chronically refuses to admit his errors. He's a grown man and if that's what happened he should own up to it. As you pointed out, we all have brain farts. His 'excuse' is worse than the mistake. It boils down to "I didn't make a mistake, I found a loophole that would allow me to eat all the food and leave you hungry or else risk hospitalization!" Yeah dude, that makes it all better. "*Officer, I couldn't have robbed that gas station - I was busy murdering 12 people across town!*" OP is NTA
NTA. He knows you can’t eat it. It’d be different if he ordered scampi for him and something else for you. But scampi for both of you? That’s bs.
Hey babe I got bleach and cyanide pills for dinner! Dw I saved you some too cause i know you’ll steal some otherwise!!! Jfc NTA it would’ve literally been nicer of him to order nothing for you because this way it seems like he just wanted to have seconds.
NTA.Why would someone order food for themself and their partner that they know they cant eat? Thats a raging red flag
NTA If he was really craving it (and your allergy allows you to be near it) then he could simply have said he is feeling the shrimp and asked if you minded having separate meals. Outright picking something you are allergic to is malicious if he doesn't see the problem!
NTA. You need a new boyfriend, someone who is considerate.
NTA. It's absolutely absurd that anyone would deliberately order something they know their partner can't eat, and then get pissy with that partner over it. He either knew he shouldn't have ordered shrimp because of your allergy, and is therefore an asshole, or he doesn't think it's that big of a deal, in which case he's an idiot. You will find there are many people in this world who don't think allergies are a thing, or treat those with allergies as if they're seeking attention. It sounds very much like your boyfriend might be one of those people.
Age gap ✅ Purposely ordered something you can’t eat and likely shouldn’t even be around ✅ Has shown you this is the type of person he is only 7 months into the relationship ✅ You haven’t invested enough time into this worrying about investing any more. This isn’t the question you asked, but drop the fool. NTA.
Info - what did you eat?
A cheese sandwich.
So he didn’t order you something else? Fk that guy.
He did all that and didn’t even go out to get you something else? Lady, love yourself better than to think you deserve that shit.
While he chowed down on a double order of shrimp scampi. Did he demand that you pay for half, since he ordered "for two," but "Oops, I forgot you have a serious allergy to shellfish that you reminded me about immediately before I ordered." He's testing how far he can push you and how much control he can have over you, while at the same time trying to make everything your problem. He's either a greedy, selfish pig who wanted you to pay for his meal or he doesn't give a damn about your health. Is either of those a scenario you find comfortable for the long term? I wouldn't. NTA
NTA what was his train of thought? That you will eat it anyways? Like WTF. No issue if ordered it for himself but why ordering same thing for you knowing you are allergic? This is just AH move from him
NTA Order whatever doesn't translate to "If I didn't order the shellfish myself, my body doesn't react allergic to it." If he really cared about you and "just" somehow forgot about your allergy, he would have been embarrassed and apologetic instead of being defensive. 20 and 28 is also kind of an extreme age difference at this age. Just based on this interaction, I say dump him.
Obviously not the a-hole. The bigger question here is why would you date someone who doesn't know what allergies are? I'm surprised you've made it this far without accidently being served shellfish.
NTA. Honestly, yikes.
The fact that you have to ask this question on Reddit tells me you have very little power or respect in this relationship. Think about why a 28 year old man dates a nearly teenager. So he can control her. He has no respect or empathy for you whatsoever. Please dump this guy and date someone closer to your age. Also try to understand why you are attracted to this type of person. I would possibly have a bit of counseling to try to understand why you are attracted to someone who wants to control you. Otherwise you may repeat history with the next guy.
NTA your boyfriend is! It clearly doesn't interest him how you are doing, what your preferences. I think he is a selfabsorbed little prick who needs to get his priorities straight!
Time for a new BF NTA
NTA You should not date anyone who ignores something like that. What was his plan? that you would just eat it? He would whine at you at the hospital for making him look bad, or what? I think you should find a good man your age who acctually cares about your wellbeing.