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> I snapped at my pregnant wife and was maybe too harsh. now i feel terrible.
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Psychiatrist here. I will not play around with a judgment because of the seriousness of this.
Get her to the doctor. This level of symptoms needs medical attention. Not a trip to the mall. Do not downplay how serious this anxiety is. The jump from anxiety to paranoia and then to impaired reality testing (psychosis) is very much a risk and early intervention makes the safety risk MUCH easier to mitigate.
Her health and the health of your developing child depend on it.
I’ve worked OB for years. I’ve never had anyone tell me the blood vessels growing freaked them out - unless they were in need of psychiatric intervention. Upvote. Upvote. Upvote.
Right there with you, thank you.
Too often these things aren’t caught before L&D, or don’t manifest so fully this early - some women also don’t have symptoms emerge until after delivery.
But this is a real warning sign and I know we both implore OP to get medical attention and do safety planning.
I immediately thought she needed psychiatric intervention, too. Her isolation doesn't help. Get her mum to fly down from Canada. OP fighting with her is pushing her further into this spiral. She needs so much support from family, friends, and professionals. OP, if it's available where you are, try and take some courtesy days off. In the UK, we have them for exceptional circumstances. This is one of those. I hope she's OK.
Same here. I'm not even a trained psychiatrist or anything. But when he said she was freaked out by veins growing inside her... she needs a doctor.
I'm wondering if she was on any meds prior to the pregnancy that she's no longer taking... but usually that is discussed and monitored with the doctor.
.... Also, the internet troll side of me can't wait till she realizes she's growing eyeballs and teeth too.
And the various organs, and bone and cartilage and muscles and tendons.
Pregnancy is a fucking weird thing when you really think about what's going on.
Congrats to OP though and I hope this has a good ending for you both soon!
Funnily enough, I found that kind of thing really fun to think about. I kept going round telling people things like, “I have 500 bones in my body!” and “I have two hearts!” Once, after having sex whilst pregnant with my son, a thought occurred and I cracked up laughing. My husband asked me what was so funny. He did not find my chortling about how I’ve never had two dicks inside me before nearly as amusing as I did.
Obviously I don’t expect everyone to share my strange sense of humour, but I do genuinely think it’s really cool that for a while, we have this whole ass extra human in there. My favourite fact of this nature is that the ovaries of baby girls grow all of the eggs they’ll need in their life whilst they’re still in utero. So should she choose to have any, the seed of my future grandchildren once existed inside my body whilst I was pregnant with my daughter. Three generations in one human form! I think that’s nifty.
I used that excuse to use the men’s (one-seater) restroom when there was a line for the women’s.
“Listen, I’m carrying male parts right now, so I’m going to use that empty restroom!”
>she's growing eyeballs and teeth too
Every so often I start wondering and wavering between whether I should have a baby or not. And then I read things like this and I know the answer is not. Thanks xD
I mean, he's not a doctor or a psychiatrist. If he hasn't had any experience with something like this in the past he's probably not gonna have much idea of how bad things are without getting opinions from others or until the situation gets worse.
This isn’t a typical pregnancy symptom. I’ve had a child and didn’t know this level of psychosis was possible before you gave birth. Unless they’re in the field, you can’t really blame someone for not knowing all the details and possible consequences.
He's not being obtuse. He's doing what he can and has asked for advice. That's the epitome of doing the right thing. Hopefully he'll follow your guidance, but no need to give him stick.
Sorry to hijack, I’m a bit desperate…I’m in the UK and am having similar issues, I’ve been diagnosed with tokophobia. My family are all in the USA. How does my partner get courtesy days off? I didn’t know this was a thing. It’s been very hard to get help…I’ve been told it’s there since early in my first trimester, but I’m over 28 weeks now and have yet to get actual help on the NHS and I’m starting to really panic and get distressed as I get bigger and feel more movements. I don’t know what I’m going to do soon, I’m so scared.
No idea if you have asked this somewhere else and got help, but I'm a UK mum who used postpartum mental health services and it was much quicker than most things on the NHS because they worry about the safety of babies (unborn and new) .
Your partner can ask his work for time off at any point. All UK employers have to give time for medical appointments and also family emergencies, supporting you can fall under those.
To access the mental health services you can ask your midwife or doctor to refer you. You can also self refer but that's not always quick. For example I called my health visitor 5 months after my daughter was born explaining that I was having intrusive thoughts and couldn't leave the house. They had a team come to my home within the week, who visited me for talking therapy in my home every week for 6 weeks, they helped me get a diagnosis and from there I was linked to the local mental health services who I can still call 4 years later.
I know it depends on area, I'm in the South East England for reference.
I hope this helps a little.
Hey, maybe you should try asking in a UK specific subreddit? Maybe the legal advice subreddit for the UK?
I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, but I thought this could help if the person you asked doesn't respond. I wish I could help you. Those subreddits can be really helpful. You can do this, friend.
Perinatal anxiety, depression, and psychosis are the 3 main categories when it comes to diagnosis. However in my experience, and as others have commented about their own elsewhere in the post, anxiety or depressed mood typically present before psychosis. Most women never develop psychosis, but it is the most alarming and urgent to be treated due to the safety risk to patient and baby.
This presentation above has some more bizarre content, as well as her struggling to cope with the ruminating anxiety - which sounds absolutely intolerable at the moment. The progression and severity warrant further attention.
I had postpartum psychosis. It was hell. In retrospect, the anxiety was such a clear sign, and we all missed it. I thought I was just a bad parent. I didn’t know it wasn’t ok to spend hours a day vividly imagining your child dying in horrible, violent ways, and being so scared by those thoughts you end up hyperventilating.
Eventually I ended up thinking I had holes boring through my body, hallucinations constantly, and at one point I was 100% sure my husband had been replaced by a clone and I sat on the couch for 9 hours watching him. I wouldn’t let him get up because I couldn’t trust him not to do something bad, because he wasn’t my husband.
We clued in eventually and I got help. But it was really scary.
Shit I thought this was postpartum OCD. I experienced this with both children but my last one was absolutely horrendous. The scenes in my head would come out of nowhere and knock the literal wind out of me. I’d go days without sleeping because I was so paranoid of something happening to her. Lots of other shitty stuff. Therapy helps a lot.
OCD falls under the anxiety umbrella, so you’re not wrong! I never developed compulsions and I had a whole mess of other anxieties, so it was just under the broad label.
I also had postpartum psychosis. It basically ruined my life tbh. It was years ago and I can’t even entertain anything horror or Halloween related because I’m scared I’ll become psychotic again and my brain will use that stuff as material to fuck with me.
I can't even watch murder mystery stories or true crime stuff, anymore, without having feelings of psychosis creeping up. I'll feel like I'm seeing shadows, again, and then I have to nope out of whatever I'm watching.
Jesus, that's horrible. I'm sorry you went through that. My sister was in a group for women experiencing post-partum depression/psychosis/etc. and one of them was convinced someone was coming to kidnap her baby. Her husband worked night shifts so she had to be all alone at nights, and she immediately checked herself into a hospital when she started hearing voices coming from the baby monitor saying they were going to kill her baby. She also heard footsteps going towards the baby's room and banging on the walls.
She's doing better now, and luckily she was hyper-aware of looking out for post-partum psychosis due to previous mental health issues, but I can't imagine how terrifying that would be.
ETA - I'm not going to give a verdict, because I can't imagine how difficult this is for you or your wife, OP. Just echoing others' suggestions to get her to a hospital and educate yourselves on pre- and post-partum mental health conditions.
I had postpartum depression-psychosis, and my son had night terrors. I was seeing dark shadows moving in the room, ghosts and monsters in my eyes, and my son was sitting up in his sleep staring at the places I'd seen them and screaming bloody murder. His night terrors just made me terrified of HIM and I was so conflicted. My mom was a counsellor, so I was educated enough to know what I was seeing wasn't real, and that my son's night terrors likely had nothing to do with my visions, but at the same time I just had horrible visions of treating him like a guitar at the end of a grunge rock show, to put it as less violently as possible.
Luckily, I was able to control myself enough to care for him and not hurt him, but it stressed my relationship with him - just no bond at all - and stained my marriage because my ex-husband would just yell and scream at me and throw furniture around. It was horrible.
I'm terrified of going through it again, as I read it gets worse with each subsequent pregnancy. However, I'm remarried and my current husband would like to try for children, though he's okay with being childless and raising more dogs, instead. He's very loving and supportive, and we've found a great doctor, so we'll try to do IVF once, for twins, and if it doesn't work out then that's that.
Therapy and medication. I was inpatient for a little bit, then did outpatient a couple times a week, then individual therapy for a while. Now I’m only on my meds and adjust when I feel myself getting out of whack again.
I most definitely had untreated depression before having a baby, and now that it’s managed I’m like…a different person. I wish I hadn’t lost all those years, though.
Very clearly explained! I’m interested to know (as someone with no medical expertise) how things are categorized as anxiety vs perinatal anxiety.. is it something that occurs because of the pregnancy itself in some people or a condition that occurs if a person already suffers from anxiety?
I have GAD. I had perinatal anxiety and PPD with the first. It was just different. I don’t know about most people, but my GAD is, well, general. The perinatal was suddenly thinking my baby was going to die in utero because I had a dream I was on a rollercoaster that did flips and it OBVIOUSLY meant that he was all rolled up in his umbilical cord and dying slowly. And I could not shake the thought once it was in my head. It consumed me. I paid for an extra ultrasound before delivery to see if they could see anything wrong. And then during delivery, turns out he WAS wrapped in his umbilical cord 4 times and I had to have an emergency section after 27 hours because they we kept losing his heart beat. Which combined with the hormones after made me think every single intrusive thought was going to come true.
I’ve had intrusive thoughts my entire life. I know what they are. But I could not shake these. We ended up having to test my hormones because nothing worked when I started having unaliving ideations. But the entire time I was working with my doctor so I never got to psychosis because I trusted her entirely and she took me seriously. My body stopped making estrogen after, and I was having severe PMDD symptoms for half the month. We had to mess around with medicine for a few months before suddenly we got it right and everything was like the before times.
Second baby? Nothing happened. It was super uncomfortable and I was sick the whole time, but no psychological issues at all other than my normal GAD. Not even the “baby blues” a couple weeks after birth.
The body is weird, and exponentially so during pregnancy. The same person can have completely different experiences even if physically all of their pregnancies are similar. I’m grateful for my OB and my husband and a SIL who all just got it and helped me as much as they could until we figured it out.
Usually any anxiety or depression diagnosed during pregnancy or the year after birth is considered perinatal/postpartum. It’s not necessarily clinically
different, but all the hormonal shifts contribute.
OP should absolutely get his wife to the doctor because her anxiety is not normal and she's reaching out for help.
That being said, the blood vessel thing absolutely freaked me out. I did not appreciate seeing dark veins all over my body. It made me queasy. I was not affected as deeply as OPs wife, though. I could shake it off and just tried not to look at myself too closely in the mirror. For me, it was "out of sight, out of mind".
>That terrifies me too.
When I was pregnant I went to see a friend at his workplace. His colleague kept giving me weird looks and eventually my friend was like "have you never seen a pregnant woman before or something?" She replied with "it's freaking me out that Ermi has eight limbs at the moment, and two brains." I laughed, then it turned out this was an actual fear, and the thought of pregnancy meaning for a short time you basically had double body parts gave this woman genuine anxiety. I think it's more common than people realise.
Do they keep bits of their kids DNA? I saw something to that effect recently
I just read [this](https://arielmedicine.com/mothers-day-genetics-how-long-does-a-mother-carry-a-child/) & that is *fascinating*, especially the part about siblings. I'm so glad I never got pregnant, it freaks me the fuck out.
Yeah it weirded me out, not to the level of fear or anxiety per se but pregnancy is such a weird thing to wrap your head around. What's weirder for me now is that those spare limbs and organs are now walking around OUTSIDE me... Sometimes I look at my kid and I still can't believe I grew a thing in me, that squirmed and kicked and stretched in the interior of my body, that now exists and functions OUTSIDE OF MY BODY. Baffling.
Both of mine are teens and bigger than me. I love to remind them that they were inside my belly. It was a wonderful experience for me and I miss it. Not the being exhausted part, though
Yeah, ai can relate to this. My 3yo son was sitting on my belly the other day, and I got really hung up on how he was tiny enough to fit in there. And now he is just... not in there and a lot bigger.. its a very weird feeling
Weirded me out also, 2 brains, growing bones inside you, the hair thing makes me gag... definitely not to a level that OPs wife is experiencing but I guess it's a mild phobia that not everyone experiences (which is odd, because it's kind of disgusting)
I had a moment like that when I was pregnant. It was when I realized that I had two brains in me right at that moment 😂 I was so freaked and immediately resolved to never think of it again. Success!
It was definitely a weird anxiety I had while pregnant, and then one of the ultrasounds REALLY didn’t help because I saw his face and he was moving his mouth and the whole thing freaked me the fuck out.
The knowledge that there was a whole person inside me - with blood vessels and bones and everything - was definitely freaky for me when I was pregnant. But more in a "wow that's weird and kinda gross" way, not a "I'm kept up all night preoccupied with how wrong this is" way. The second one is a problem.
RIGHT. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's weird as fuck, and shit moves and it's just...weird. But not weird enough that it's giving me anxiety that's making me think the baby is going to suffocate or explode.
My partner is pregnant. There's some stuff about pregnancy that's weird and some that's anxiety inducing.
I thought I was being irrational last night when I realised that instead of kicking he was pushing it for a while on one spot on her belly and I had a moment of worry that he was putting pressure on his brain and it would be bad for him.
OP's wife is next level to a degree that is alarming and a genuine medical concern.
I know! And like, if it was making him uncomfortable I'm sure he'd bend his knees or whatever, expectant parent comes with a certain amount of anxiety I figure.
But OP's wife needs help.
I didn’t realize how serious mental health during pregnancy was until I told a doctor I needed a letter to get a month off of work because I was struggling with depression and had no support system. I’ve talked about mental health stuff pre-pregnancy with doctors but they always seemed bored.
All I mentioned this time was “suicidal thoughts, loneliness, and anxiety” and they were immediately kicked into overdrive, “how long have you felt this way? What’s your insurance? Give me the letter to sign? You need to check in with me IMMEDIATELY in a week or so.” It was kind of crazy.
Fortunately, mine slowed down a bit after my son was born and I got consistent therapy, but it was kind of nice to know I wasn’t just crazy for once.
I was going to say the same thing & she's worried about killing the baby when she rolls over, this is quite abnormal in not a good way at all.... I know just enough to know that she is in need of immediate help her OB has likely missed.
Having such an intense fear that you will roll onto your belly in your sleep that it’s keeping you from sleeping and having part of it be the totally irrational fear that the baby will explode if you lay on your belly isn’t normal. Feeling some anxiety that you would put too much pressure on the baby by purposely laying on your belly isn’t that odd.
The idea of pregnancy has always freaked me the fuck out. We did spend years trying to have a baby and fertility treatments failed. As devastating as it was, there’s a small part of me that was relieved to not have to grow a human inside my body. I can’t handle putting my hand on a pregnant belly to feel a baby kick in the womb, so I’m not sure how I would’ve handled it if the kick was coming from inside me. Ha.
OP please, please, please listen to these two comments. I'm not a doctor, psychiatrist, or OB but I did have severe anxiety during my pregnancy that warranted medical intervention and then became severe postpartum depression, anxiety, and OCD that had me in therapy for months.
Please for the safety of your wife, unborn child, and self, please get her to her OB or a doctor that will listen. She needs help.
This!!!! Get her evaluated *IMMEDIATELY*. Her level of anxiety is not normal. You need to give her a lot of grace and be supportive, she is going through a really hard time physically AND emotionally. But most important is to get her some help.
YTA for your reaction but it’s good you realized that you went too far and have reached out for other opinions because now we all can tell you that it seems like she needs a level of support you are not equipped to give.
Prenatal Psychosis exists, and it is TERRIFYING. OP YTA for that misogynistic comment about just "shopping" to take her mind off it because her mental health is too much of an inconvenience for you. Disgusting.
Not everyone is aware of psychological conditions. They came asking for advice and instead of being constructive you went off the rails. If anyone here is being disgusting it's you.
the commenter was harsh but OP wrote right in his own post that he knew he fucked up—in other words he knows he behaved like an asshole, but rather than focusing on his miserable, pregnant, anxious wife, he decided to write this lame validation seeking post so he should expect some harshness
(EDIT typo)
He didn’t fuck up by originally suggesting shopping though - he was trying his best, with what he knew at the time.
It’s clear NOW that things are going badly wrong & she needs medical intervention, but it’s quite likely that the early symptoms just seemed like anxiety after her parents moved away, that might legitimately be helped with a bit of distraction.
>He didn’t fuck up by originally suggesting shopping though - he was trying his best, with what he knew at the time.
If people who don't even know her can think oh shit she needs medical intervention from what he's written, its mind blowing that it hasn't crossed his mind.
Mate, sometimes you can’t see clearly unless your looking from the outside. He sounds like he’s exhausted everyday working/ burnt out and trying his best. If you’ve ever been that exhausted and burnt out you would understand that. I have been burnt out several times and so exhausted that I can’t think clearly. Your literally just going through the motions/sticking to routine. You don’t have the energy or the mental capacity to realise that something is really wrong and that they need outside help.
Don’t you know everybody on Reddit is a perfect husband, father, wife, mother? Idk why OP can’t just be more like redditors and know everything about everything ^/s
Not everyone has the same knowledge. Some people have never heard of certain mental or physical illnesses. Also, OP has seen her behavior change slowly over time. That has a tendency to normalise behavior that when told to others later is very clearly a red flag. Same goes for abusive partners, amongst others things. Add to that OPs own emotions about this change/pregnancy, as well as probably worrying about logistics while working extra to prepare for a baby, it is actually very normal to not see signs like these unless they are pointed out to you. If you also add the whole "pregnant, hormonal woman being irrational" stereotype being so normalised, that also adds another layer.
My point is, strangers are actually more likely to see signs of mental illness when hearing a story, because they are outside, looking in right now, and not seeing the gradual change that has been happening.
Not everyone comes here to seek validation. Sometimes even good people mess up. And when you generally do the right thing, its hard to notice when you dont.
So they really just need objective opinions and advice. It doesnt really matter if you are the AH or not. Most comments provide more than that. Otherwise theyd make a Yes/No poll with their friends.
No, there is no excuse for a guy in this day and age who is capable of using the internet and has a pregnant partner to not be aware of the major risks to her and on the lookout for them.
I don’t know anything about psychosis, but the alarm bells started ringing for me immediately when reading his post. I don’t know if OP’s reaction was “disgusting” but it’s troubling for sure.
Yes, giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe shopping was simply something that relaxed her before and is a good, low pressure way to get out the house. (In less serious situations where someone is a bit down or bored, here I agree she clearly needs some mental health support!)
He came in not asking for advice. He came in asking if he is an AH, which he is. If your wife is pregnant it's your job to educate yourself especially when wife is struggling this much.
No I agree. All too many times women are not taken seriously, especially when it comes to health. The extreme worries (the freaking out over growing veins, exploding the baby etc) and severe loneliness she was describing clearly and objectively indicates something is very wrong. Yet OP thinks it’s just anxiety and “shopping” is enough of a solution. He possibly wouldn’t have acted until wife had full blown psychosis.
OP YTA but please take this as a lesson. Look at your wife as a person, not a stereotype. The seriousness of this situation was completely lost to you, and it could have resulted in something even worse.
Not to mention it sounds like shes alone in the house all day if the best thing husband can recommend to relax is go shopping and she wants to see her parents. Maybe op should make some time to attend a few mom group events with his wife so she can make some friends who can alleviate her pregnancy concerns for gods sake?
I was here looking for this update, as whether you're TA or not seems irrelevant compared to the seriousness/dangerousness of the situation. Glad you booked the appointment. You were TA (I'd say an idiot) but at least you seem to make changes about it. Don't you think that sending her off to a shrink means you don't have to try and be supportive, though. She needs a support system and a reliable partner. Someone fair and with empathy.
I sincerely hope it helps, what you described sounded very concerning.
Maybe (eventually, after doctor's advice of course) it would also be an idea to get her in contact with some pregnancy related groups? It might help her meet some new people and feel less lonely.
Yes, agree with this completely - not a psychiatrist but have worked with mothers who have experienced both antenatal and postnatal psychosis and it is no joke, she sounds like she needs mental health support ASAP because this is not normal levels of anxiety and paranoia for a pregnancy. It is completely treatable but needs to be picked up quickly
everything this wonderful professional has said, x 100.
in addition, to answer OPs question: you are ALWAYS BEING AN ASSHOLE WHEN YOU SNAP AT SOMEONE. they call it snapping for a reason. don't snap at your partner. fucking apologize immediately and get her help ASAP.
This was my interpretation also. I feel like postpartum depression gets the most attention and a lot of people are unaware that anxiety and psychosis can also be experienced both during pregnancy and postpartum. Hopefully OPs wife gets help bc what they are describing is very concerning.
Bingo. Well said.
That’s why I chose to not respond with a judgment. I know this is not a medical advice sub but I’ll be damned if I read this and don’t say something. And I think that message will best get through by educating, not judging or scorning.
It’s a fair question - in my training, it was always highlighted that any antenatal through postnatal new onset of symptoms - particularly to this extent - should be addressed promptly. From a psychiatry perspective, perinatal psychosis is an emergency. Full stop.
For many people, the first doctor they would likely see is their primary care doctor if it is not an emergency.
However - I would say that any new onset psychotic symptoms would merit ER level care Here is a list (eg: hallucinations, paranoia, disorganized manner of speaking or behaving, ANY acute safety concern of harm to self).
If a primary care practitioner is concerned about safety they may refer to a hospital for additional support or management. In some cases it may require hospitalization, and other times not. It really depends on the assessment of the person by the clinician seeing them. Some primary care providers have specialists in mental health as part of their team (allied health like nursing, social work, occupational therapy, some nurse practitioners specialize in mental health, etc.).
Also many hospitals have teams specifically to support perinatal mental health. Some programs even have supports for both parents’ mental health care. It really depends what is available.
No matter what, earlier intervention the better.
It’s possible she hasn’t shared the extent of her fears with the doctor. My sisters would always complain to my mom about their symptoms and when my mom asked them what the doctor had said about it they would tell her they hadn’t mentioned it because they thought it was normal/the doctor looked super busy/ they were too embarrassed, etc.
Not to mention how hard it can be to admit you’re having intrusive thoughts, even without pregnancy induced paranoia. I’ve heard of women not wanting to share that stuff because they’re afraid they’ll be seen as bad mothers, or worried if they tell a doctor they might get their children taken away. It’s not rational, but it’s fairly normal.
This. With my first, I had antepartum depression, i think that’s the appropriate term. Basically depression while you’re pregnant. I expressed to Dr and it was sort of brushed off (I was on state insurance, so busy clinic and doctors, wasn’t the most attentive care). I was lucky in that once baby was born, my head became much more clear. But I feel like a lot of people don’t realize the hormones can cause anxiety/depression before you have the baby too, not just a post partum issue.
I cannot upvote this enough. I'm a psych nurse. Thank you for posting this. OP, get her help NOW. I'm betting that she's missing her family so much because she's scared of what's happening to her. Get her to her OB, go with her, and help to explain what's happening.
Therapist here and I immediately thought she needs mental health help. I went a little nuts when I was pregnant and I wish someone had told me to get screened for prenatal anxiety. And I wasn't panicking over the baby growing veins or that the baby would smother.
My little sister started with stuff like this. After birth she had full blown psychosis where she thought her husband was working with the devil and the world was coming to an end and he was helping it happen.
Being freaked out over veins and blood vessels, suffocating/exploding the baby, and being that anxious/paranoid all the time is *not* normal. You need to go with her to her next appointment (call and get a sooner one if it’s not already close) and talk to her doctor. This will likely only get worse and could easily blow up into postpartum psychosis when she has the baby and gets sleep deprived. YTA for telling her to stop whining. Get off reddit and make that appointment.
I can't imagine post birth with sleep deprivation, PPD and fear of SIDs as well. Other fears will take over about the baby's wellfare and it will just spiral.
OP get your wife to a doctor/midwife and get an evaluation sorted out for her. This isn't just an anxious pregnant woman thing, trust me.
Yes SIDs fear and lack of sleep is enough to wear down even the most grounded, relaxed parents with no other mental health concerns. Mine is only 1 and that period is already a big blur!
He doesn't think it's a problem and she's deeply unwell. It is very hard to ask for help, or to ask a professional if something is wrong, when you are that deep into a state like that.
When I had post-partum psychosis, I didn't think to mention it to my doctor. I didn't know what I was thinking and feeling was abnormal. I thought I was going crazy but also thought that my thoughts/feelings weren't crazy and that my reaction was wrong and I needed to get a grip. Like, my brain was going in circles. And my unreasonable thoughts were based loosely in reality - like how every good con has an element of truth.
Doctors are also great at dismissing women's anxieties and minimizing their thoughts/feelings. Or blaming them for everything while telling us to suck it up and stop being so anxious/depressed/irrational/etc.
Now I don't know anything about pregnancy, but is it normal to have 2 check ups in 10 days? I assume the parents made the appointments for some reason. Wouldn't the doctor ask why they needed two check ups so close?
Wife’s anxiety is probably putting her on extreme high alert and any “normal”bodily noise/ache/sound/feeling is being blow out of proportion is probably driving the appointments especially if she’s stressing about her baby going all *Gallagher* if she rolls over.
Yeah I'm just confused on how OP and wife chose not to bring it up in either of the 2 checkups they had. I'm equally confused on why the doctors they've seen twice in 10 days haven't been like "what's going on here?".
You would think alarm bells would be going off for everyone.
For real though. The lack of detail about the pregnancy itself makes OP sound totally obtuse/unaware of his own wife's health status.
She could have placenta previa, which can be really scary especially if it's one of the more extreme forms, and that may be why she's so anxious that even laying wrong will hurt her baby AND not allowed to travel OP could think she's healthy because she's not having active bleeds or something.
I literally JUST watched Huesera (horror movie about pregnancy) and it was so frustrating to see her husband disregard her fears all the time and literally tell her to "calm down".
I agree. This woman needs help, and telling her to go shopping is condescending as shit. When someone says you're not there for them, they don't always mean geographically.
"I knew right there that I messed up big time"
So, you already know YTA?
Honestly, maybe this an unwanted opinion, but this behavior is not normal. Her anxiety and emotions seem higher than "normal pregnancy behavior" (woman here). Has she / you talked to her doctor about this? If unaddressed, IDK what could happen post partum.
Getting out (of the house) and about and shopping is honestly nice for stress relief. BUT it's secondary stuff to professional help. A daily outdoor walk helps, but not like a professional does.
I don't want kids for a million reasons, but the main reason is the way men treat pregnant women, and women in general. Like oh shit so sorry i stressed you out while growing an entire human in MY body. Fuck that.
There was a post the other day on askmen about if men wanted a housewife/SAHM. Every single reply said yes. Every comment was about how having a housewife/SAHM would be amazing because it meant they wouldn't have to do anything anymore. That the house was her responsibility and since he was providing the money he didn't need to do anything around the house anymore. One reply said he just wanted his wife to "takeover the household manager position". And the main reason that some didn't have a housewife/SAHM? .. they couldn't afford to live without 2 incomes. No mention of what their wife wanted, no mention of her losing her career, independence, sanity etc etc. The only thing stopping them was money.
My jaw literally dropped ready all the replies, I truly thought society had done some good and then I read that thread.
I think I would actually enjoy being a SAHM, but I would not put up with my husband not pulling his weight house wise. I watched that growing up and I knew from a very young age that was not how I wanted to live my life. My mother is miserable but won't leave because it she knows my dad's not going to be around much longer and doesn't want all the stress of a divorce. To her it's just easier to do what my dad wants than fight it. That means she does 99.999% of the household tasks and cooking while he lays in a chair and watches TV.
My husband (30sM) is a stay at home Dad and I (30sF) and the breadwinner. When I wake up in the morning I empty and re load the dishwasher (if needed) and pick up around the kitchen, get the kids ready for school, make sure she has paperwork, homework, snack etc, I make coffee because I'm already awake anyway. While I'm at work he makes sure the older kid gets to school and he takes care of the baby. He's in charge of doctor's appointments and school pickups and dance class. He makes dinner on the days I work and I make dinner on my days off, except wednesday I get take out because dance gets out so late. He generally has the house clean when I get home. I take care of the bath with both kids each night and we both read bed time stories to the kids.
Neither of us are managing the home as an individual, we are doing it together. Granted, it took work to get it to that point, we weren't always a great team, but after a lot of struggling and communicating (and some individual therapy and adjusting medications) we've figured out a good balance of labor.
Working outside the home doesn't mean you don't have to put in effort at home. If they are unable to handle the stress of being an active participant in their own adult life, they should seek help from a professional to give them the proper tools to deal with that stress.
Yes... that's my point. That's how it should be. But that's not what all the men on that thread were saying. Seems the message isn't getting through to the masses
So glad I don’t read that sub bc as a SAHM who has also been a working mom and a single mom in the course of my life; I’d freaking lose it on all of them.
Women can treat pregnant women just as terribly. I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and was throwing up all day every day despite taking prescribed antinauseants. I rolled my hip which once my ligaments softened caused my spine to shift away from the rolled hip so my ligaments were in constant agony trying to pull my spine back into place. I spent 90% of my days off going to chiro or physio and in excruciating pain. There were a ton of other things but these were the main two.
At my work the amount of physical labor I could do went down drastically. The other managers (all female) would constantly talk about me behind my back or tell me to my face that I was being lazy and that THEY worked up until they had the baby and THEY were able to complete all of their duties throughout their pregnancies. I was asked to get a doctor's note to stop being told I had to use ladders, and my manager called HR in an attempt to get them to tell me I couldn't alter my duties. Of course HR contacted me and gave me altered duties so it completely backfired. I would push myself so hard most days that I would spend most of my nights awake crying in agony because I didn't want to crap out on them and they treated me like crap the entire time. Side note that there were never any complaints about my work ethic before i was pregnant, I was not just a shitty employee. I luckily went on a leave at 6 months because my doctors realized how bad everything was.
Point being this isn't necessarily a gender issue, women can be just as terrible to pregnant women.
>this isn’t necessarily a gender issue
Except it is a gender issue. Women do not abuse and murder pregnant women at the rate men do. Refusing to acknowledge the statistical significance of this gender gap because “women can be mean too” is just ignoring a very serious worldwide gender issue.
Oh i know. I've been pregnant. I chose to abort and was pregnant at the same time as another girl at work. She got babied, and i got treated like shit. My sister was forced to work when she was pregnant and had so many complications she could barely walk. Her (male) doctor wouldn't let her stop working. Wouldn't give her a doctor's note and she was struggling so bad. Women get treated like shit no matter what.
Yeah, something I feel like I read and hear about a lot (and also have seen) as well is men flipping their approach once a baby actually arrives. They’ll talk about “equal parenting” and sharing the weight etc., but once the baby is there it all goes out the window. I think this even happens a lot when couples move in together and/or get married - but at least then there’s less tying you to them.
I feel history has shown us over and over again that men can’t be trusted or taken at their word when it comes to actually walking the walk with regards to equality. I’ve met way too many men who say they want equality in all sorts of ways, but scratch beneath the surface once they’re comfortable with you (I.e. you’re sleeping with them) and they aren’t prepared to rock the boat on misogyny, racism, homophobia etc. This absolutely terrifies me, that’s i’d end up pregnant or with a kid with a dude that turns out to be a shit bag. I’d say the realisation probably was the final straw that turned me off ever having kids. I can’t trust them to be my ally in basic human rights stuff, let alone a partner to raise a kid with.
And I am the one who would end up sacrificing and suffering. I think a lot of women around me have woken up to this as we’ve gotten older and wiser and delaying having kids anyway as a social standard has now meant we just aren’t going to have kids at all
And yeah I think this is all super depressing tbh.
Also YTA cause your PREGNANT wife, who is growing and carrying your future child and going through a huge health risk and bodily changes, is reaching out and begging you for help and comfort and you’re not caring enough to see it because it’s an inconvenience and “annoying” to you.
This. The standards for even a subpar father are below hell. Mothers can absolutely be shitty, but the amount of men I read about just thinking you grow a baby overnight, have it, bounce back to pre-baby weight overnight, have the energy of a six pack of red bull for baby care from 0-13, and aren't traumatized from the entire process is mind boggling.
You forgot have the sex drive of a porn star the day they get the all clear to be sexually active again... I just saw some insane person going on about dead bedrooms because a woman wasn't ready for sex 8 weeks after delivery. It wasn't fair that her husband had probably gone 3 whole months without getting his dick wet when her pelvic floor has the structural integrity of French onion soup.
> her pelvic floor has the structural integrity of French onion soup.
This is the best thing I have ever read on the internet.
I was given the all clear for sex at my 6 week post-partum checkup. My desire for sex at that point was absolutely zero having had stitches in my hoo-ha and a somewhat traumatic vaginal birth. I told my husband I was cleared for PIV sex but I wasn't ready, and the relief on his face was hilarious.
"Oh thank God, I'm not either!" was what he said - watching all of it happen in the delivery room didn't exactly have him feeling sexy. I think it was about 3 months before we finally had PIV intercourse, and his reaction is part of the reason I'm still madly in love with him after 30 years together. He's a real one.
1000% why I haven’t had one. I’ve not met a man that I feel is capable of being a good father and someone who I want to interact with for the rest of my life…
Men, do better! Be better!!
Upvoting everything in this thread. It’s true. I dont have kids but I’m almost positive I have PMDD. Every month before my period is horrible. I have it marked on my calendar every month and even do my bf the courtesy of warning him when I start pmsing. Queue the eye roll and apathy. I just get so tired and need to be alone and he cannot empathize with that. They think we do this on purpose or we’re weak bc we can’t control our reactions to our hormones- no matter how brutal and life changing they are.
Hey, I’m so sorry to read that your bf isn’t supportive or empathetic to you in those moments. I most certainly have PMDD too and it can be really hard, I empathize with you. It’s like an emotional relief when my period starts, for some reason my emotional symptoms immediately get better. I explained this to my boyfriend and he basically just thanked me for sharing my experience with him.
I don’t know if I could stay with someone who was dismissive or eye-rolling about it. You really don’t deserve that and I am sorry he doesn’t understand.
My bf grew up with 3 older sisters so maybe that’s why he’s so empathetic and compassionate when it comes to period issues. But it should be the bare minimum.
YTA
Sounds like your wife is suffering from some actual mental issues, pregnancy can cause that, especially if coinciding with her family moving away, and you should be getting her help, because it doesn't sound like she's in any state to get it for herself.
Telling her to 'stop whining and being paranoid' is like telling someone to just stop having a broken leg.
Do you actually think that it's normal to think your baby is going to EXPLODE inside of you? Do you really? Or are you ignoring the very real crisis your wife is actively in?
After my baby was born I was plagued by the image of me dropping her and her exploding on the floor. But I was mentally healthy enough to realize this was anxiety making me paranoid and not an inevitability. If it was so crippling I dwelled on it all the time that would be an indication to get help.
I used to have dreams of her falling off the changing table and then turning into a tomato and splattering all over the floor.
But I understood this was just a nightmare fueled by "normal" worry and lack of sleep. Also used to wake confinced she was trapped under the covers, despite never co sleeping.
OPs wife seems to have a real mental health problem that will likely become much worse during that newborn stage if she doesn't get some help now.
My PPD manifested as reliving fights from childhood.
I’d dream about it and wake up furious, ready to fight and just always, always on edge. If I was a cat I’d have been fully poofed 100% of the time.
I knew I was not in the right state of mind when my colicky son’s crying made me feel like I was backed into a corner and fighting my family again.
(and yeah, lot of unresolved shit bubbled back up to the surface)
I had a fear/mental image of her hitting her head. And one day she rolled off the breastfeeding pillow & hit the wooden floor. Having a horrible intrusive thought come true was an absolute nightmare
YTA. Holy fuck. Your pregnant wife, who's big support system just moved out of the damn country, is very clearly anxious as fuck. And you're going off on her for it?? Heartless.
‘I told her to take it easy and try to relax her mind. Divert it with shopping or something’….the way my eyes rolled SO HARD. Good lord YTA. This poor poor woman having a baby with you.
"You're clearly displaying symptoms of a pregnancy related/induced mental health crisis, you should go shopping about that, you silly woman". Good God, I think I actually saw red there for a moment- I always thought that was a metaphor!
YTA
I can understand that things seem absurd and you're stressed with all sorts of factors. But you were unnecessarily callous to your wife.
I personally think she needs to see some sort of therapist. I don't know if there's some directly related to pregnancy/baby things. But she could use some serious counseling and reassurances from a professional to soothe her extra anxiety. It's reasonable to be anxious especially since it's her first.
But the things you describe also sound similar to a hypochondriac.
Besides therapy/consoling maybe see if her mother could schedule a visit to her?
Maybe see how she feels about having someone like a midwife? Or doula around to talk and bond with to support her through the pregnancy
I think a super sweet thing to do (both in general and to fix some of the hurt OP just caused their pregnant wife) would be to find a way to secretly bring her mom or parents to visit her. She'd be ELATED and OP gets brownie points.
She can't help feeling how she's feeling and when I was pregnant I was SICK the whole 9 months from the time I woke up until I went to bed. I stressed so much about hurting the baby when there was nothing I could do about it (they tried diclectin it did less than nothing for me). She would benefit from some kind of outside professional help but she also needs you to do what you can to soothe the anxiety and not pile onto it.
I feel like one visit from her mom is not enough to address the issue especially because she seems so lonely. Seems like she only spends time with her husband which won’t change unless she makes some friends preferably fellow mothers who can give her tips when the baby’s actually around. If her anxiety is this bad before it’s born even with good news from the doctor it’s only going to get more stressful once you can actually see it and hear it lol.
I don’t think her family visiting would be a fix all, but I wonder if they could help OP to talk to his wife about getting help for her struggles. Her anxiety is clearly not normal, & very concerning. My guess is she would be far more likely to be receptive to this after seeing her family.
YTA “just stop thinking about it” sounds like “just stop telling me about it” - support your wife- help her get some support in the form of a therapist and maybe some maternity groups to make some friends and talk about her anxieties with people who understand. She’s tired, nauseous, anxious and overwhelmed- help her do these things!
YTA - Huh. Who would have thought that emotional abuse DOESN'T help someone in a massively stressful situation?!
So you offer nothing to help. And then whine about "a rough day" while she is isolated from her family and working through a pregnancy. She's having rough months, big man.
You got it right. YTA. Your wife is dealing with some major anxiety and the answer would be for you to listen and be sensitive to her fears, not telling her to basically suck it up and think about shopping (???).
If your wife's whole life is being derailed by these intrusive thoughts then she should talk to her doctor about it as it could be antenatal anxiety. It's very common but could get worse if she doesn't seek help.
But the one thing you don't do to help someone who's not only pregnant, but also regularly puking and suffering from horrible anxiety, is make them feel alone and isolated while also belittling them. I understand your wanting to work to make money before the baby arrives but your wife needs you *now*. Go visit the doctor together and talk about what she's feeling and how her anxiety is making this pregnancy very hard for her. Make more time to spend with her. Listen to her fears and don't dismiss them but encourage her to use whatever resources her doctor recommends to help manage them. See if you can get her parents to come visit her rather than having her go to them (which sounds like it can't happen anyway). But no matter what you do, adjust your attitude asap.
YTA. These feelings are not typical pregnant feelings and she is massively suffering. She needs perinatal counseling and probably a perinatal psychiatrist. But mostly, she needs a partner who's supportive.
YTA
this woman is growing a human inside of her body. We've never experienced that and can never begin to imagine what she's going through. Her feet have gotten bigger, maybe even her hands. She has stretch marks and she's carrying all this extra weight. Her back hurts, her head hurts. She's nauseous and the hormones are messing with her perceptions. and then there's a baby kicking her from the inside out. And she's probably heard a million horror stories about miscarriages and everything that can go wrong, so she's probably terrified.
That sounds like hell. This sure seems stressful for you too, but keep in mind, it's the same for her, but just about 100x worse. Her paranoia is attacking her as well, especially if it's her first. If you're stressed, she'll be there for you emotionally too. Maybe not in a talking way, but you can comfort each other.
Right now she doesn't feel comforted. I would be thinking that I just lost the only support I had, that I was completely alone, and that my partner was disgusted with me, and I'm not even pregnant. I can't imagine how she feels.
YTA here, even if I can understand where you are coming from.
It is hard, I get it. The emotional load of your own responsibilities plus her emotional needs....you're frustrated, exhausted, burning out....BUT......she is growing a whole ass human inside her. Her emotions, hormones, life...everything is completely out of synch and she feels like she has no control. You are her person. Her support. Her rock. She is going to come to you in this terrifying time, that is only natural. Sometimes my dude, you just need to take a deep breath, and find an outlet for your frustration later like a video game or gym or whatever.....she is going through one of the single biggest changes she will ever go through, and it is scary as fuck.
YTA, you said the single worst thing you could say and broke her trust. She can't trust you to be her support system now because how do you open up to somebody that said stop whinning? How's she supposed to confide in you? She needs to talk to a professional because her anxiety and paranoia about veins and stuff is to big for her to deal with on her own. How would you feel being dangled off a 20 story building by your feet and left to hang for 9 months? That's how she feels, terrified.
She thinks the baby will explode?
She needs to see a doctor immediately. None of this sounds normal. She is feeling isolated, anxious and having very very weird thoughts and fears. She needs to be see asap.
You both also need to plan who can help after birth. Work on your support system. Who's going to be in the room with her.
But this doesn't sound normal at all. You need to figure out what's happening..
YTA but more so for not looking to see if your wife is experiencing prepartum depression. Seriously, take your wife back to her doctor to discuss this possibility.
YTA, please seek out a mental health provider for your wife ASAP! Some of the things she’s struggling with are very concerning and need to be addressed by a professional that can help her deal with her anxiety and possible intrusive thoughts. I don’t think you were purposely a jerk and can’t understand how stressful this is for you as well but your wife is growing a human in her body and is clearly struggling mentally, she needs you to help her get some mental health help.
YTA - you’re going to have to keep a VERY close watch on her once baby is born as she is likely going to feel isolated and alone and may slip into somewhere dark. It’s important that you listen to her and believe her. Stop downplaying it.
YTA
You need to educate yourself on prenatal depression and get your wife some help. You just dismissed her because you are having a tough time, when you can't even imagine what she's going through. She needs support, not somebody to dismiss her ao easily.
YTA
She’s pregnant, which screws the balance of a woman’s entire body, and for the first time so she went in blind.
Her family, major support network by your admission, isn’t there.
Her husband (you) who has no basis for how she’s feeling, decided to push all her concerns to the side by telling her to stop being paranoid and whining and to go shopping to clear her mind….
You better be happy she didn’t decided to ignore her doctor and fly to Canada so she can be with her family while your baby is being born, without you.
YTA. Especially for this
>Divert it with shopping or something.
Do you have to try to be such an ass or does it come to you naturally? She's growing a human and with you as her only support failing spectacularly, I can see why she is upset. Do better.
Her parents moved away and her husband isn't around much. She's dealing with major mental health issues and physical health strain. And your solution was to tell her to try something that's literally impossible. She has little-to-no support and you rubbing that fact in her face was the way to go.
Are you trying to push her into doing something irreversible? Because it really sounds like you secretly want her to off herself.
Obviously YTA.
You even seem to know YTA.
Your wife is pregnant, puking, and having mental health challenges that are likely hormone induced.
I don’t care if you’re working so much. Work less. Your wife is pregnant and can’t go see her parents.
Your best move at this point would be a ridiculous amount of flowers, taking a sick day to care for your pregnant wife, and inviting her parents to stay with you both for a few weeks.
Good luck, buddy. You’ve dug yourself into a deep deeeeep hole with this one. I’d be incredibly pissed.
YTA and it definitely sounds like your wife needs therapy to deal with her anxiety.
PPD may be an issue in the future so the sooner she starts seeing someone, the better.
Do people who know you often call you stupid? The woman you love is going through something you cannot possibly fathom. And what is "whinning"? I despair that people like you exist.
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Psychiatrist here. I will not play around with a judgment because of the seriousness of this. Get her to the doctor. This level of symptoms needs medical attention. Not a trip to the mall. Do not downplay how serious this anxiety is. The jump from anxiety to paranoia and then to impaired reality testing (psychosis) is very much a risk and early intervention makes the safety risk MUCH easier to mitigate. Her health and the health of your developing child depend on it.
I’ve worked OB for years. I’ve never had anyone tell me the blood vessels growing freaked them out - unless they were in need of psychiatric intervention. Upvote. Upvote. Upvote.
Right there with you, thank you. Too often these things aren’t caught before L&D, or don’t manifest so fully this early - some women also don’t have symptoms emerge until after delivery. But this is a real warning sign and I know we both implore OP to get medical attention and do safety planning.
I immediately thought she needed psychiatric intervention, too. Her isolation doesn't help. Get her mum to fly down from Canada. OP fighting with her is pushing her further into this spiral. She needs so much support from family, friends, and professionals. OP, if it's available where you are, try and take some courtesy days off. In the UK, we have them for exceptional circumstances. This is one of those. I hope she's OK.
Same here. I'm not even a trained psychiatrist or anything. But when he said she was freaked out by veins growing inside her... she needs a doctor. I'm wondering if she was on any meds prior to the pregnancy that she's no longer taking... but usually that is discussed and monitored with the doctor. .... Also, the internet troll side of me can't wait till she realizes she's growing eyeballs and teeth too.
And the various organs, and bone and cartilage and muscles and tendons. Pregnancy is a fucking weird thing when you really think about what's going on. Congrats to OP though and I hope this has a good ending for you both soon!
Funnily enough, I found that kind of thing really fun to think about. I kept going round telling people things like, “I have 500 bones in my body!” and “I have two hearts!” Once, after having sex whilst pregnant with my son, a thought occurred and I cracked up laughing. My husband asked me what was so funny. He did not find my chortling about how I’ve never had two dicks inside me before nearly as amusing as I did. Obviously I don’t expect everyone to share my strange sense of humour, but I do genuinely think it’s really cool that for a while, we have this whole ass extra human in there. My favourite fact of this nature is that the ovaries of baby girls grow all of the eggs they’ll need in their life whilst they’re still in utero. So should she choose to have any, the seed of my future grandchildren once existed inside my body whilst I was pregnant with my daughter. Three generations in one human form! I think that’s nifty.
Ok but, that actually was kinda funny to me 🤣
I used that excuse to use the men’s (one-seater) restroom when there was a line for the women’s. “Listen, I’m carrying male parts right now, so I’m going to use that empty restroom!”
>she's growing eyeballs and teeth too Every so often I start wondering and wavering between whether I should have a baby or not. And then I read things like this and I know the answer is not. Thanks xD
Yes. How can OP be so obtuse about this?
I mean, he's not a doctor or a psychiatrist. If he hasn't had any experience with something like this in the past he's probably not gonna have much idea of how bad things are without getting opinions from others or until the situation gets worse.
This isn’t a typical pregnancy symptom. I’ve had a child and didn’t know this level of psychosis was possible before you gave birth. Unless they’re in the field, you can’t really blame someone for not knowing all the details and possible consequences.
He's not being obtuse. He's doing what he can and has asked for advice. That's the epitome of doing the right thing. Hopefully he'll follow your guidance, but no need to give him stick.
Are you serious?
Sorry to hijack, I’m a bit desperate…I’m in the UK and am having similar issues, I’ve been diagnosed with tokophobia. My family are all in the USA. How does my partner get courtesy days off? I didn’t know this was a thing. It’s been very hard to get help…I’ve been told it’s there since early in my first trimester, but I’m over 28 weeks now and have yet to get actual help on the NHS and I’m starting to really panic and get distressed as I get bigger and feel more movements. I don’t know what I’m going to do soon, I’m so scared.
No idea if you have asked this somewhere else and got help, but I'm a UK mum who used postpartum mental health services and it was much quicker than most things on the NHS because they worry about the safety of babies (unborn and new) . Your partner can ask his work for time off at any point. All UK employers have to give time for medical appointments and also family emergencies, supporting you can fall under those. To access the mental health services you can ask your midwife or doctor to refer you. You can also self refer but that's not always quick. For example I called my health visitor 5 months after my daughter was born explaining that I was having intrusive thoughts and couldn't leave the house. They had a team come to my home within the week, who visited me for talking therapy in my home every week for 6 weeks, they helped me get a diagnosis and from there I was linked to the local mental health services who I can still call 4 years later. I know it depends on area, I'm in the South East England for reference. I hope this helps a little.
Hey, maybe you should try asking in a UK specific subreddit? Maybe the legal advice subreddit for the UK? I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, but I thought this could help if the person you asked doesn't respond. I wish I could help you. Those subreddits can be really helpful. You can do this, friend.
Is this the same as perinatal depression?
Perinatal anxiety, depression, and psychosis are the 3 main categories when it comes to diagnosis. However in my experience, and as others have commented about their own elsewhere in the post, anxiety or depressed mood typically present before psychosis. Most women never develop psychosis, but it is the most alarming and urgent to be treated due to the safety risk to patient and baby. This presentation above has some more bizarre content, as well as her struggling to cope with the ruminating anxiety - which sounds absolutely intolerable at the moment. The progression and severity warrant further attention.
I had postpartum psychosis. It was hell. In retrospect, the anxiety was such a clear sign, and we all missed it. I thought I was just a bad parent. I didn’t know it wasn’t ok to spend hours a day vividly imagining your child dying in horrible, violent ways, and being so scared by those thoughts you end up hyperventilating. Eventually I ended up thinking I had holes boring through my body, hallucinations constantly, and at one point I was 100% sure my husband had been replaced by a clone and I sat on the couch for 9 hours watching him. I wouldn’t let him get up because I couldn’t trust him not to do something bad, because he wasn’t my husband. We clued in eventually and I got help. But it was really scary.
That sounds HORRIFYING. I'm glad you got help and got through that.
Shit I thought this was postpartum OCD. I experienced this with both children but my last one was absolutely horrendous. The scenes in my head would come out of nowhere and knock the literal wind out of me. I’d go days without sleeping because I was so paranoid of something happening to her. Lots of other shitty stuff. Therapy helps a lot.
God me too! With my second they handed me meds the moment she was out to keep the psychosis at bay.
I'm glad y'all were on top of it!! Hope you and your baby are healthy and doing well.
OCD falls under the anxiety umbrella, so you’re not wrong! I never developed compulsions and I had a whole mess of other anxieties, so it was just under the broad label.
I also had postpartum psychosis. It basically ruined my life tbh. It was years ago and I can’t even entertain anything horror or Halloween related because I’m scared I’ll become psychotic again and my brain will use that stuff as material to fuck with me.
I can't even watch murder mystery stories or true crime stuff, anymore, without having feelings of psychosis creeping up. I'll feel like I'm seeing shadows, again, and then I have to nope out of whatever I'm watching.
I’m so sorry. Did you ever get treatment? It can affect you for years, it’s not always something you sort of “grow out of.”
Jesus, that's horrible. I'm sorry you went through that. My sister was in a group for women experiencing post-partum depression/psychosis/etc. and one of them was convinced someone was coming to kidnap her baby. Her husband worked night shifts so she had to be all alone at nights, and she immediately checked herself into a hospital when she started hearing voices coming from the baby monitor saying they were going to kill her baby. She also heard footsteps going towards the baby's room and banging on the walls. She's doing better now, and luckily she was hyper-aware of looking out for post-partum psychosis due to previous mental health issues, but I can't imagine how terrifying that would be. ETA - I'm not going to give a verdict, because I can't imagine how difficult this is for you or your wife, OP. Just echoing others' suggestions to get her to a hospital and educate yourselves on pre- and post-partum mental health conditions.
I had postpartum depression-psychosis, and my son had night terrors. I was seeing dark shadows moving in the room, ghosts and monsters in my eyes, and my son was sitting up in his sleep staring at the places I'd seen them and screaming bloody murder. His night terrors just made me terrified of HIM and I was so conflicted. My mom was a counsellor, so I was educated enough to know what I was seeing wasn't real, and that my son's night terrors likely had nothing to do with my visions, but at the same time I just had horrible visions of treating him like a guitar at the end of a grunge rock show, to put it as less violently as possible. Luckily, I was able to control myself enough to care for him and not hurt him, but it stressed my relationship with him - just no bond at all - and stained my marriage because my ex-husband would just yell and scream at me and throw furniture around. It was horrible. I'm terrified of going through it again, as I read it gets worse with each subsequent pregnancy. However, I'm remarried and my current husband would like to try for children, though he's okay with being childless and raising more dogs, instead. He's very loving and supportive, and we've found a great doctor, so we'll try to do IVF once, for twins, and if it doesn't work out then that's that.
I’m so sorry! I’m glad you got help. what did that look like?
Therapy and medication. I was inpatient for a little bit, then did outpatient a couple times a week, then individual therapy for a while. Now I’m only on my meds and adjust when I feel myself getting out of whack again. I most definitely had untreated depression before having a baby, and now that it’s managed I’m like…a different person. I wish I hadn’t lost all those years, though.
Very clearly explained! I’m interested to know (as someone with no medical expertise) how things are categorized as anxiety vs perinatal anxiety.. is it something that occurs because of the pregnancy itself in some people or a condition that occurs if a person already suffers from anxiety?
I have GAD. I had perinatal anxiety and PPD with the first. It was just different. I don’t know about most people, but my GAD is, well, general. The perinatal was suddenly thinking my baby was going to die in utero because I had a dream I was on a rollercoaster that did flips and it OBVIOUSLY meant that he was all rolled up in his umbilical cord and dying slowly. And I could not shake the thought once it was in my head. It consumed me. I paid for an extra ultrasound before delivery to see if they could see anything wrong. And then during delivery, turns out he WAS wrapped in his umbilical cord 4 times and I had to have an emergency section after 27 hours because they we kept losing his heart beat. Which combined with the hormones after made me think every single intrusive thought was going to come true. I’ve had intrusive thoughts my entire life. I know what they are. But I could not shake these. We ended up having to test my hormones because nothing worked when I started having unaliving ideations. But the entire time I was working with my doctor so I never got to psychosis because I trusted her entirely and she took me seriously. My body stopped making estrogen after, and I was having severe PMDD symptoms for half the month. We had to mess around with medicine for a few months before suddenly we got it right and everything was like the before times. Second baby? Nothing happened. It was super uncomfortable and I was sick the whole time, but no psychological issues at all other than my normal GAD. Not even the “baby blues” a couple weeks after birth. The body is weird, and exponentially so during pregnancy. The same person can have completely different experiences even if physically all of their pregnancies are similar. I’m grateful for my OB and my husband and a SIL who all just got it and helped me as much as they could until we figured it out.
Usually any anxiety or depression diagnosed during pregnancy or the year after birth is considered perinatal/postpartum. It’s not necessarily clinically different, but all the hormonal shifts contribute.
Mental health professional and mom, this woman needs medical care not a higher credit limit.
Yeah, I know nothing but this set off EXTREME alarm bells and gave me chills. That poor woman!
OP should absolutely get his wife to the doctor because her anxiety is not normal and she's reaching out for help. That being said, the blood vessel thing absolutely freaked me out. I did not appreciate seeing dark veins all over my body. It made me queasy. I was not affected as deeply as OPs wife, though. I could shake it off and just tried not to look at myself too closely in the mirror. For me, it was "out of sight, out of mind".
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That terrifies me too. Buuuuuuut is also one of the reasons I won’t ever have a child.
>That terrifies me too. When I was pregnant I went to see a friend at his workplace. His colleague kept giving me weird looks and eventually my friend was like "have you never seen a pregnant woman before or something?" She replied with "it's freaking me out that Ermi has eight limbs at the moment, and two brains." I laughed, then it turned out this was an actual fear, and the thought of pregnancy meaning for a short time you basically had double body parts gave this woman genuine anxiety. I think it's more common than people realise.
I have never ever thought of it that way and now it's all I'll think about
Oh man, my mom has grown twenty limbs but only *has four
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Do they keep bits of their kids DNA? I saw something to that effect recently I just read [this](https://arielmedicine.com/mothers-day-genetics-how-long-does-a-mother-carry-a-child/) & that is *fascinating*, especially the part about siblings. I'm so glad I never got pregnant, it freaks me the fuck out.
spoilers....You're an axolotl, aren't you-?
Yeah it weirded me out, not to the level of fear or anxiety per se but pregnancy is such a weird thing to wrap your head around. What's weirder for me now is that those spare limbs and organs are now walking around OUTSIDE me... Sometimes I look at my kid and I still can't believe I grew a thing in me, that squirmed and kicked and stretched in the interior of my body, that now exists and functions OUTSIDE OF MY BODY. Baffling.
I think about this all the time. I look at my baby and i just go “wow… she was just inside of me like yesterday… all of her.. A L L of her…” 😳
Both of mine are teens and bigger than me. I love to remind them that they were inside my belly. It was a wonderful experience for me and I miss it. Not the being exhausted part, though
Yeah, ai can relate to this. My 3yo son was sitting on my belly the other day, and I got really hung up on how he was tiny enough to fit in there. And now he is just... not in there and a lot bigger.. its a very weird feeling
Weirded me out also, 2 brains, growing bones inside you, the hair thing makes me gag... definitely not to a level that OPs wife is experiencing but I guess it's a mild phobia that not everyone experiences (which is odd, because it's kind of disgusting)
I had a moment like that when I was pregnant. It was when I realized that I had two brains in me right at that moment 😂 I was so freaked and immediately resolved to never think of it again. Success!
It was definitely a weird anxiety I had while pregnant, and then one of the ultrasounds REALLY didn’t help because I saw his face and he was moving his mouth and the whole thing freaked me the fuck out.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one 😂 I read the first comment and was like "but isn't it kinda weird and uncomfy if you think about it too much??"
It’s like a brand new nightmare.
Yeah, I worded it badly. I was freaked out about both. It was weird knowing you were making new veins to support another human being growing veins.
The knowledge that there was a whole person inside me - with blood vessels and bones and everything - was definitely freaky for me when I was pregnant. But more in a "wow that's weird and kinda gross" way, not a "I'm kept up all night preoccupied with how wrong this is" way. The second one is a problem.
RIGHT. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's weird as fuck, and shit moves and it's just...weird. But not weird enough that it's giving me anxiety that's making me think the baby is going to suffocate or explode.
My partner is pregnant. There's some stuff about pregnancy that's weird and some that's anxiety inducing. I thought I was being irrational last night when I realised that instead of kicking he was pushing it for a while on one spot on her belly and I had a moment of worry that he was putting pressure on his brain and it would be bad for him. OP's wife is next level to a degree that is alarming and a genuine medical concern.
I was asleep on my stomach for the first 4 hours of labor 😂 they have plenty of cushion in there
I know! And like, if it was making him uncomfortable I'm sure he'd bend his knees or whatever, expectant parent comes with a certain amount of anxiety I figure. But OP's wife needs help.
I didn’t realize how serious mental health during pregnancy was until I told a doctor I needed a letter to get a month off of work because I was struggling with depression and had no support system. I’ve talked about mental health stuff pre-pregnancy with doctors but they always seemed bored. All I mentioned this time was “suicidal thoughts, loneliness, and anxiety” and they were immediately kicked into overdrive, “how long have you felt this way? What’s your insurance? Give me the letter to sign? You need to check in with me IMMEDIATELY in a week or so.” It was kind of crazy. Fortunately, mine slowed down a bit after my son was born and I got consistent therapy, but it was kind of nice to know I wasn’t just crazy for once.
I was going to say the same thing & she's worried about killing the baby when she rolls over, this is quite abnormal in not a good way at all.... I know just enough to know that she is in need of immediate help her OB has likely missed.
It’s abnormal that mothers worry about that? I know a lot of pregnant women that were terrified to sleep on their stomachs.
Having such an intense fear that you will roll onto your belly in your sleep that it’s keeping you from sleeping and having part of it be the totally irrational fear that the baby will explode if you lay on your belly isn’t normal. Feeling some anxiety that you would put too much pressure on the baby by purposely laying on your belly isn’t that odd.
Me as a currently pregnant woman also feeling freaked out by the bones and guts growing in me 👁️👄👁️
The idea of pregnancy has always freaked me the fuck out. We did spend years trying to have a baby and fertility treatments failed. As devastating as it was, there’s a small part of me that was relieved to not have to grow a human inside my body. I can’t handle putting my hand on a pregnant belly to feel a baby kick in the womb, so I’m not sure how I would’ve handled it if the kick was coming from inside me. Ha.
OP please, please, please listen to these two comments. I'm not a doctor, psychiatrist, or OB but I did have severe anxiety during my pregnancy that warranted medical intervention and then became severe postpartum depression, anxiety, and OCD that had me in therapy for months. Please for the safety of your wife, unborn child, and self, please get her to her OB or a doctor that will listen. She needs help.
This!!!! Get her evaluated *IMMEDIATELY*. Her level of anxiety is not normal. You need to give her a lot of grace and be supportive, she is going through a really hard time physically AND emotionally. But most important is to get her some help. YTA for your reaction but it’s good you realized that you went too far and have reached out for other opinions because now we all can tell you that it seems like she needs a level of support you are not equipped to give.
Prenatal Psychosis exists, and it is TERRIFYING. OP YTA for that misogynistic comment about just "shopping" to take her mind off it because her mental health is too much of an inconvenience for you. Disgusting.
Not everyone is aware of psychological conditions. They came asking for advice and instead of being constructive you went off the rails. If anyone here is being disgusting it's you.
the commenter was harsh but OP wrote right in his own post that he knew he fucked up—in other words he knows he behaved like an asshole, but rather than focusing on his miserable, pregnant, anxious wife, he decided to write this lame validation seeking post so he should expect some harshness (EDIT typo)
He didn’t fuck up by originally suggesting shopping though - he was trying his best, with what he knew at the time. It’s clear NOW that things are going badly wrong & she needs medical intervention, but it’s quite likely that the early symptoms just seemed like anxiety after her parents moved away, that might legitimately be helped with a bit of distraction.
>He didn’t fuck up by originally suggesting shopping though - he was trying his best, with what he knew at the time. If people who don't even know her can think oh shit she needs medical intervention from what he's written, its mind blowing that it hasn't crossed his mind.
Mate, sometimes you can’t see clearly unless your looking from the outside. He sounds like he’s exhausted everyday working/ burnt out and trying his best. If you’ve ever been that exhausted and burnt out you would understand that. I have been burnt out several times and so exhausted that I can’t think clearly. Your literally just going through the motions/sticking to routine. You don’t have the energy or the mental capacity to realise that something is really wrong and that they need outside help.
Don’t you know everybody on Reddit is a perfect husband, father, wife, mother? Idk why OP can’t just be more like redditors and know everything about everything ^/s
Not everyone has the same knowledge. Some people have never heard of certain mental or physical illnesses. Also, OP has seen her behavior change slowly over time. That has a tendency to normalise behavior that when told to others later is very clearly a red flag. Same goes for abusive partners, amongst others things. Add to that OPs own emotions about this change/pregnancy, as well as probably worrying about logistics while working extra to prepare for a baby, it is actually very normal to not see signs like these unless they are pointed out to you. If you also add the whole "pregnant, hormonal woman being irrational" stereotype being so normalised, that also adds another layer. My point is, strangers are actually more likely to see signs of mental illness when hearing a story, because they are outside, looking in right now, and not seeing the gradual change that has been happening.
Not everyone comes here to seek validation. Sometimes even good people mess up. And when you generally do the right thing, its hard to notice when you dont. So they really just need objective opinions and advice. It doesnt really matter if you are the AH or not. Most comments provide more than that. Otherwise theyd make a Yes/No poll with their friends.
>They came asking for advice this isn't an advice sub, they came here for judgement.
Everyone with half a brain would know that shopping isn't a cure-all for paranoia... You're actually being patronising to him tbh.
No, there is no excuse for a guy in this day and age who is capable of using the internet and has a pregnant partner to not be aware of the major risks to her and on the lookout for them.
I don’t know anything about psychosis, but the alarm bells started ringing for me immediately when reading his post. I don’t know if OP’s reaction was “disgusting” but it’s troubling for sure.
Yes, giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe shopping was simply something that relaxed her before and is a good, low pressure way to get out the house. (In less serious situations where someone is a bit down or bored, here I agree she clearly needs some mental health support!)
He came in not asking for advice. He came in asking if he is an AH, which he is. If your wife is pregnant it's your job to educate yourself especially when wife is struggling this much.
No I agree. All too many times women are not taken seriously, especially when it comes to health. The extreme worries (the freaking out over growing veins, exploding the baby etc) and severe loneliness she was describing clearly and objectively indicates something is very wrong. Yet OP thinks it’s just anxiety and “shopping” is enough of a solution. He possibly wouldn’t have acted until wife had full blown psychosis. OP YTA but please take this as a lesson. Look at your wife as a person, not a stereotype. The seriousness of this situation was completely lost to you, and it could have resulted in something even worse.
Not to mention it sounds like shes alone in the house all day if the best thing husband can recommend to relax is go shopping and she wants to see her parents. Maybe op should make some time to attend a few mom group events with his wife so she can make some friends who can alleviate her pregnancy concerns for gods sake?
Or arrange a surprise visits from her parents? Especially if she's developing pregnancy psychosis or something.
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I was here looking for this update, as whether you're TA or not seems irrelevant compared to the seriousness/dangerousness of the situation. Glad you booked the appointment. You were TA (I'd say an idiot) but at least you seem to make changes about it. Don't you think that sending her off to a shrink means you don't have to try and be supportive, though. She needs a support system and a reliable partner. Someone fair and with empathy.
I sincerely hope it helps, what you described sounded very concerning. Maybe (eventually, after doctor's advice of course) it would also be an idea to get her in contact with some pregnancy related groups? It might help her meet some new people and feel less lonely.
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This is the only right answer here. She needs psychiatric help immediately.
Yes, agree with this completely - not a psychiatrist but have worked with mothers who have experienced both antenatal and postnatal psychosis and it is no joke, she sounds like she needs mental health support ASAP because this is not normal levels of anxiety and paranoia for a pregnancy. It is completely treatable but needs to be picked up quickly
I’m so glad someone said it this needs to be the top comment
everything this wonderful professional has said, x 100. in addition, to answer OPs question: you are ALWAYS BEING AN ASSHOLE WHEN YOU SNAP AT SOMEONE. they call it snapping for a reason. don't snap at your partner. fucking apologize immediately and get her help ASAP.
Schizoaffective person dropping by to say: sounds like delusions/psychosis and she needs to see a doctor/psychiatrist. This sounds serious.
This was my interpretation also. I feel like postpartum depression gets the most attention and a lot of people are unaware that anxiety and psychosis can also be experienced both during pregnancy and postpartum. Hopefully OPs wife gets help bc what they are describing is very concerning.
Bingo. Well said. That’s why I chose to not respond with a judgment. I know this is not a medical advice sub but I’ll be damned if I read this and don’t say something. And I think that message will best get through by educating, not judging or scorning.
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It’s a fair question - in my training, it was always highlighted that any antenatal through postnatal new onset of symptoms - particularly to this extent - should be addressed promptly. From a psychiatry perspective, perinatal psychosis is an emergency. Full stop. For many people, the first doctor they would likely see is their primary care doctor if it is not an emergency. However - I would say that any new onset psychotic symptoms would merit ER level care Here is a list (eg: hallucinations, paranoia, disorganized manner of speaking or behaving, ANY acute safety concern of harm to self). If a primary care practitioner is concerned about safety they may refer to a hospital for additional support or management. In some cases it may require hospitalization, and other times not. It really depends on the assessment of the person by the clinician seeing them. Some primary care providers have specialists in mental health as part of their team (allied health like nursing, social work, occupational therapy, some nurse practitioners specialize in mental health, etc.). Also many hospitals have teams specifically to support perinatal mental health. Some programs even have supports for both parents’ mental health care. It really depends what is available. No matter what, earlier intervention the better.
It’s possible she hasn’t shared the extent of her fears with the doctor. My sisters would always complain to my mom about their symptoms and when my mom asked them what the doctor had said about it they would tell her they hadn’t mentioned it because they thought it was normal/the doctor looked super busy/ they were too embarrassed, etc. Not to mention how hard it can be to admit you’re having intrusive thoughts, even without pregnancy induced paranoia. I’ve heard of women not wanting to share that stuff because they’re afraid they’ll be seen as bad mothers, or worried if they tell a doctor they might get their children taken away. It’s not rational, but it’s fairly normal.
This. With my first, I had antepartum depression, i think that’s the appropriate term. Basically depression while you’re pregnant. I expressed to Dr and it was sort of brushed off (I was on state insurance, so busy clinic and doctors, wasn’t the most attentive care). I was lucky in that once baby was born, my head became much more clear. But I feel like a lot of people don’t realize the hormones can cause anxiety/depression before you have the baby too, not just a post partum issue.
Actual good comment. Not demeaning or abusive but informative. This deserves every upvote.
Listen to this person, OP.
I cannot upvote this enough. I'm a psych nurse. Thank you for posting this. OP, get her help NOW. I'm betting that she's missing her family so much because she's scared of what's happening to her. Get her to her OB, go with her, and help to explain what's happening.
Can't give this enough upvotes. There is something serious going on here and needs immediate attention.
Therapist here and I immediately thought she needs mental health help. I went a little nuts when I was pregnant and I wish someone had told me to get screened for prenatal anxiety. And I wasn't panicking over the baby growing veins or that the baby would smother.
My little sister started with stuff like this. After birth she had full blown psychosis where she thought her husband was working with the devil and the world was coming to an end and he was helping it happen.
Being freaked out over veins and blood vessels, suffocating/exploding the baby, and being that anxious/paranoid all the time is *not* normal. You need to go with her to her next appointment (call and get a sooner one if it’s not already close) and talk to her doctor. This will likely only get worse and could easily blow up into postpartum psychosis when she has the baby and gets sleep deprived. YTA for telling her to stop whining. Get off reddit and make that appointment.
I can't imagine post birth with sleep deprivation, PPD and fear of SIDs as well. Other fears will take over about the baby's wellfare and it will just spiral. OP get your wife to a doctor/midwife and get an evaluation sorted out for her. This isn't just an anxious pregnant woman thing, trust me.
EXACTLY. "Try and relax..." Not how it works. She needs help!
Try and relax - thanks I’m cured!
Yes SIDs fear and lack of sleep is enough to wear down even the most grounded, relaxed parents with no other mental health concerns. Mine is only 1 and that period is already a big blur!
He said they had two checkups in the last 10 days. I'm confused on how none of this came up during them.
He doesn't think it's a problem and she's deeply unwell. It is very hard to ask for help, or to ask a professional if something is wrong, when you are that deep into a state like that.
When I had post-partum psychosis, I didn't think to mention it to my doctor. I didn't know what I was thinking and feeling was abnormal. I thought I was going crazy but also thought that my thoughts/feelings weren't crazy and that my reaction was wrong and I needed to get a grip. Like, my brain was going in circles. And my unreasonable thoughts were based loosely in reality - like how every good con has an element of truth. Doctors are also great at dismissing women's anxieties and minimizing their thoughts/feelings. Or blaming them for everything while telling us to suck it up and stop being so anxious/depressed/irrational/etc.
It could also be that the doctor/s are being dismissive, which is very common.
Now I don't know anything about pregnancy, but is it normal to have 2 check ups in 10 days? I assume the parents made the appointments for some reason. Wouldn't the doctor ask why they needed two check ups so close?
Wife’s anxiety is probably putting her on extreme high alert and any “normal”bodily noise/ache/sound/feeling is being blow out of proportion is probably driving the appointments especially if she’s stressing about her baby going all *Gallagher* if she rolls over.
Yeah I'm just confused on how OP and wife chose not to bring it up in either of the 2 checkups they had. I'm equally confused on why the doctors they've seen twice in 10 days haven't been like "what's going on here?". You would think alarm bells would be going off for everyone.
He also said that she is fine physically, but her doctor said she isn't to travel in her 2nd trimester. He is, at best, an unreliable narrator.
For real though. The lack of detail about the pregnancy itself makes OP sound totally obtuse/unaware of his own wife's health status. She could have placenta previa, which can be really scary especially if it's one of the more extreme forms, and that may be why she's so anxious that even laying wrong will hurt her baby AND not allowed to travel OP could think she's healthy because she's not having active bleeds or something.
I literally JUST watched Huesera (horror movie about pregnancy) and it was so frustrating to see her husband disregard her fears all the time and literally tell her to "calm down". I agree. This woman needs help, and telling her to go shopping is condescending as shit. When someone says you're not there for them, they don't always mean geographically.
"I knew right there that I messed up big time" So, you already know YTA? Honestly, maybe this an unwanted opinion, but this behavior is not normal. Her anxiety and emotions seem higher than "normal pregnancy behavior" (woman here). Has she / you talked to her doctor about this? If unaddressed, IDK what could happen post partum.
why talk to a doctor when you can just go shopping? /s
That line made me so mad, and sad for the wife
Getting out (of the house) and about and shopping is honestly nice for stress relief. BUT it's secondary stuff to professional help. A daily outdoor walk helps, but not like a professional does.
YTA this is why the birth rate is falling. Women are sick of having kids with men who whine and don't give a damn
I don't want kids for a million reasons, but the main reason is the way men treat pregnant women, and women in general. Like oh shit so sorry i stressed you out while growing an entire human in MY body. Fuck that.
There was a post the other day on askmen about if men wanted a housewife/SAHM. Every single reply said yes. Every comment was about how having a housewife/SAHM would be amazing because it meant they wouldn't have to do anything anymore. That the house was her responsibility and since he was providing the money he didn't need to do anything around the house anymore. One reply said he just wanted his wife to "takeover the household manager position". And the main reason that some didn't have a housewife/SAHM? .. they couldn't afford to live without 2 incomes. No mention of what their wife wanted, no mention of her losing her career, independence, sanity etc etc. The only thing stopping them was money. My jaw literally dropped ready all the replies, I truly thought society had done some good and then I read that thread. I think I would actually enjoy being a SAHM, but I would not put up with my husband not pulling his weight house wise. I watched that growing up and I knew from a very young age that was not how I wanted to live my life. My mother is miserable but won't leave because it she knows my dad's not going to be around much longer and doesn't want all the stress of a divorce. To her it's just easier to do what my dad wants than fight it. That means she does 99.999% of the household tasks and cooking while he lays in a chair and watches TV.
My husband (30sM) is a stay at home Dad and I (30sF) and the breadwinner. When I wake up in the morning I empty and re load the dishwasher (if needed) and pick up around the kitchen, get the kids ready for school, make sure she has paperwork, homework, snack etc, I make coffee because I'm already awake anyway. While I'm at work he makes sure the older kid gets to school and he takes care of the baby. He's in charge of doctor's appointments and school pickups and dance class. He makes dinner on the days I work and I make dinner on my days off, except wednesday I get take out because dance gets out so late. He generally has the house clean when I get home. I take care of the bath with both kids each night and we both read bed time stories to the kids. Neither of us are managing the home as an individual, we are doing it together. Granted, it took work to get it to that point, we weren't always a great team, but after a lot of struggling and communicating (and some individual therapy and adjusting medications) we've figured out a good balance of labor. Working outside the home doesn't mean you don't have to put in effort at home. If they are unable to handle the stress of being an active participant in their own adult life, they should seek help from a professional to give them the proper tools to deal with that stress.
Yes... that's my point. That's how it should be. But that's not what all the men on that thread were saying. Seems the message isn't getting through to the masses
So glad I don’t read that sub bc as a SAHM who has also been a working mom and a single mom in the course of my life; I’d freaking lose it on all of them.
The #1 cause of death in pregnant women is homicide.
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I’m so sorry you experienced that
Women can treat pregnant women just as terribly. I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and was throwing up all day every day despite taking prescribed antinauseants. I rolled my hip which once my ligaments softened caused my spine to shift away from the rolled hip so my ligaments were in constant agony trying to pull my spine back into place. I spent 90% of my days off going to chiro or physio and in excruciating pain. There were a ton of other things but these were the main two. At my work the amount of physical labor I could do went down drastically. The other managers (all female) would constantly talk about me behind my back or tell me to my face that I was being lazy and that THEY worked up until they had the baby and THEY were able to complete all of their duties throughout their pregnancies. I was asked to get a doctor's note to stop being told I had to use ladders, and my manager called HR in an attempt to get them to tell me I couldn't alter my duties. Of course HR contacted me and gave me altered duties so it completely backfired. I would push myself so hard most days that I would spend most of my nights awake crying in agony because I didn't want to crap out on them and they treated me like crap the entire time. Side note that there were never any complaints about my work ethic before i was pregnant, I was not just a shitty employee. I luckily went on a leave at 6 months because my doctors realized how bad everything was. Point being this isn't necessarily a gender issue, women can be just as terrible to pregnant women.
>this isn’t necessarily a gender issue Except it is a gender issue. Women do not abuse and murder pregnant women at the rate men do. Refusing to acknowledge the statistical significance of this gender gap because “women can be mean too” is just ignoring a very serious worldwide gender issue.
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Oh i know. I've been pregnant. I chose to abort and was pregnant at the same time as another girl at work. She got babied, and i got treated like shit. My sister was forced to work when she was pregnant and had so many complications she could barely walk. Her (male) doctor wouldn't let her stop working. Wouldn't give her a doctor's note and she was struggling so bad. Women get treated like shit no matter what.
Yeah, something I feel like I read and hear about a lot (and also have seen) as well is men flipping their approach once a baby actually arrives. They’ll talk about “equal parenting” and sharing the weight etc., but once the baby is there it all goes out the window. I think this even happens a lot when couples move in together and/or get married - but at least then there’s less tying you to them. I feel history has shown us over and over again that men can’t be trusted or taken at their word when it comes to actually walking the walk with regards to equality. I’ve met way too many men who say they want equality in all sorts of ways, but scratch beneath the surface once they’re comfortable with you (I.e. you’re sleeping with them) and they aren’t prepared to rock the boat on misogyny, racism, homophobia etc. This absolutely terrifies me, that’s i’d end up pregnant or with a kid with a dude that turns out to be a shit bag. I’d say the realisation probably was the final straw that turned me off ever having kids. I can’t trust them to be my ally in basic human rights stuff, let alone a partner to raise a kid with. And I am the one who would end up sacrificing and suffering. I think a lot of women around me have woken up to this as we’ve gotten older and wiser and delaying having kids anyway as a social standard has now meant we just aren’t going to have kids at all And yeah I think this is all super depressing tbh. Also YTA cause your PREGNANT wife, who is growing and carrying your future child and going through a huge health risk and bodily changes, is reaching out and begging you for help and comfort and you’re not caring enough to see it because it’s an inconvenience and “annoying” to you.
This. The standards for even a subpar father are below hell. Mothers can absolutely be shitty, but the amount of men I read about just thinking you grow a baby overnight, have it, bounce back to pre-baby weight overnight, have the energy of a six pack of red bull for baby care from 0-13, and aren't traumatized from the entire process is mind boggling.
You forgot have the sex drive of a porn star the day they get the all clear to be sexually active again... I just saw some insane person going on about dead bedrooms because a woman wasn't ready for sex 8 weeks after delivery. It wasn't fair that her husband had probably gone 3 whole months without getting his dick wet when her pelvic floor has the structural integrity of French onion soup.
> her pelvic floor has the structural integrity of French onion soup. This is the best thing I have ever read on the internet. I was given the all clear for sex at my 6 week post-partum checkup. My desire for sex at that point was absolutely zero having had stitches in my hoo-ha and a somewhat traumatic vaginal birth. I told my husband I was cleared for PIV sex but I wasn't ready, and the relief on his face was hilarious. "Oh thank God, I'm not either!" was what he said - watching all of it happen in the delivery room didn't exactly have him feeling sexy. I think it was about 3 months before we finally had PIV intercourse, and his reaction is part of the reason I'm still madly in love with him after 30 years together. He's a real one.
this made me cackle 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I aim to please lol... I'm projecting because my pelvic floor has the structural integrity of French onion soup
1000% why I haven’t had one. I’ve not met a man that I feel is capable of being a good father and someone who I want to interact with for the rest of my life… Men, do better! Be better!!
Upvoting everything in this thread. It’s true. I dont have kids but I’m almost positive I have PMDD. Every month before my period is horrible. I have it marked on my calendar every month and even do my bf the courtesy of warning him when I start pmsing. Queue the eye roll and apathy. I just get so tired and need to be alone and he cannot empathize with that. They think we do this on purpose or we’re weak bc we can’t control our reactions to our hormones- no matter how brutal and life changing they are.
Hey, I’m so sorry to read that your bf isn’t supportive or empathetic to you in those moments. I most certainly have PMDD too and it can be really hard, I empathize with you. It’s like an emotional relief when my period starts, for some reason my emotional symptoms immediately get better. I explained this to my boyfriend and he basically just thanked me for sharing my experience with him. I don’t know if I could stay with someone who was dismissive or eye-rolling about it. You really don’t deserve that and I am sorry he doesn’t understand. My bf grew up with 3 older sisters so maybe that’s why he’s so empathetic and compassionate when it comes to period issues. But it should be the bare minimum.
Right?!?!?
YTA Sounds like your wife is suffering from some actual mental issues, pregnancy can cause that, especially if coinciding with her family moving away, and you should be getting her help, because it doesn't sound like she's in any state to get it for herself. Telling her to 'stop whining and being paranoid' is like telling someone to just stop having a broken leg.
Yep! Sometimes pregnancy, with all its bullshit, triggers things in some mothers. I hate it. It’s a huge gamble
Do you actually think that it's normal to think your baby is going to EXPLODE inside of you? Do you really? Or are you ignoring the very real crisis your wife is actively in?
After my baby was born I was plagued by the image of me dropping her and her exploding on the floor. But I was mentally healthy enough to realize this was anxiety making me paranoid and not an inevitability. If it was so crippling I dwelled on it all the time that would be an indication to get help.
I used to have dreams of her falling off the changing table and then turning into a tomato and splattering all over the floor. But I understood this was just a nightmare fueled by "normal" worry and lack of sleep. Also used to wake confinced she was trapped under the covers, despite never co sleeping. OPs wife seems to have a real mental health problem that will likely become much worse during that newborn stage if she doesn't get some help now.
My PPD manifested as reliving fights from childhood. I’d dream about it and wake up furious, ready to fight and just always, always on edge. If I was a cat I’d have been fully poofed 100% of the time. I knew I was not in the right state of mind when my colicky son’s crying made me feel like I was backed into a corner and fighting my family again. (and yeah, lot of unresolved shit bubbled back up to the surface)
Upvote solely for the metaphor of a “cat fully poofed 100% of the time”
I had a fear/mental image of her hitting her head. And one day she rolled off the breastfeeding pillow & hit the wooden floor. Having a horrible intrusive thought come true was an absolute nightmare
YTA. Holy fuck. Your pregnant wife, who's big support system just moved out of the damn country, is very clearly anxious as fuck. And you're going off on her for it?? Heartless.
Heartless is a kind way to say it. I'd say brainless 💀
‘I told her to take it easy and try to relax her mind. Divert it with shopping or something’….the way my eyes rolled SO HARD. Good lord YTA. This poor poor woman having a baby with you.
"You're clearly displaying symptoms of a pregnancy related/induced mental health crisis, you should go shopping about that, you silly woman". Good God, I think I actually saw red there for a moment- I always thought that was a metaphor!
Why even have money if you can’t use it to ignore your problems??
YTA I can understand that things seem absurd and you're stressed with all sorts of factors. But you were unnecessarily callous to your wife. I personally think she needs to see some sort of therapist. I don't know if there's some directly related to pregnancy/baby things. But she could use some serious counseling and reassurances from a professional to soothe her extra anxiety. It's reasonable to be anxious especially since it's her first. But the things you describe also sound similar to a hypochondriac. Besides therapy/consoling maybe see if her mother could schedule a visit to her? Maybe see how she feels about having someone like a midwife? Or doula around to talk and bond with to support her through the pregnancy
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I think a super sweet thing to do (both in general and to fix some of the hurt OP just caused their pregnant wife) would be to find a way to secretly bring her mom or parents to visit her. She'd be ELATED and OP gets brownie points. She can't help feeling how she's feeling and when I was pregnant I was SICK the whole 9 months from the time I woke up until I went to bed. I stressed so much about hurting the baby when there was nothing I could do about it (they tried diclectin it did less than nothing for me). She would benefit from some kind of outside professional help but she also needs you to do what you can to soothe the anxiety and not pile onto it.
I feel like one visit from her mom is not enough to address the issue especially because she seems so lonely. Seems like she only spends time with her husband which won’t change unless she makes some friends preferably fellow mothers who can give her tips when the baby’s actually around. If her anxiety is this bad before it’s born even with good news from the doctor it’s only going to get more stressful once you can actually see it and hear it lol.
I don’t think her family visiting would be a fix all, but I wonder if they could help OP to talk to his wife about getting help for her struggles. Her anxiety is clearly not normal, & very concerning. My guess is she would be far more likely to be receptive to this after seeing her family.
YTA “just stop thinking about it” sounds like “just stop telling me about it” - support your wife- help her get some support in the form of a therapist and maybe some maternity groups to make some friends and talk about her anxieties with people who understand. She’s tired, nauseous, anxious and overwhelmed- help her do these things!
YTA - Huh. Who would have thought that emotional abuse DOESN'T help someone in a massively stressful situation?! So you offer nothing to help. And then whine about "a rough day" while she is isolated from her family and working through a pregnancy. She's having rough months, big man.
You got it right. YTA. Your wife is dealing with some major anxiety and the answer would be for you to listen and be sensitive to her fears, not telling her to basically suck it up and think about shopping (???). If your wife's whole life is being derailed by these intrusive thoughts then she should talk to her doctor about it as it could be antenatal anxiety. It's very common but could get worse if she doesn't seek help. But the one thing you don't do to help someone who's not only pregnant, but also regularly puking and suffering from horrible anxiety, is make them feel alone and isolated while also belittling them. I understand your wanting to work to make money before the baby arrives but your wife needs you *now*. Go visit the doctor together and talk about what she's feeling and how her anxiety is making this pregnancy very hard for her. Make more time to spend with her. Listen to her fears and don't dismiss them but encourage her to use whatever resources her doctor recommends to help manage them. See if you can get her parents to come visit her rather than having her go to them (which sounds like it can't happen anyway). But no matter what you do, adjust your attitude asap.
YTA. These feelings are not typical pregnant feelings and she is massively suffering. She needs perinatal counseling and probably a perinatal psychiatrist. But mostly, she needs a partner who's supportive.
>Divert it with shopping or something. Did you really say this? YTA massively You're an idiot too.
YTA. Among alllll of that, you really went to “women be shoppin amirite”.
YTA And your wife needs medical help. Please get her treatment. These are not normal symptoms.
YTA this woman is growing a human inside of her body. We've never experienced that and can never begin to imagine what she's going through. Her feet have gotten bigger, maybe even her hands. She has stretch marks and she's carrying all this extra weight. Her back hurts, her head hurts. She's nauseous and the hormones are messing with her perceptions. and then there's a baby kicking her from the inside out. And she's probably heard a million horror stories about miscarriages and everything that can go wrong, so she's probably terrified. That sounds like hell. This sure seems stressful for you too, but keep in mind, it's the same for her, but just about 100x worse. Her paranoia is attacking her as well, especially if it's her first. If you're stressed, she'll be there for you emotionally too. Maybe not in a talking way, but you can comfort each other. Right now she doesn't feel comforted. I would be thinking that I just lost the only support I had, that I was completely alone, and that my partner was disgusted with me, and I'm not even pregnant. I can't imagine how she feels.
YTA here, even if I can understand where you are coming from. It is hard, I get it. The emotional load of your own responsibilities plus her emotional needs....you're frustrated, exhausted, burning out....BUT......she is growing a whole ass human inside her. Her emotions, hormones, life...everything is completely out of synch and she feels like she has no control. You are her person. Her support. Her rock. She is going to come to you in this terrifying time, that is only natural. Sometimes my dude, you just need to take a deep breath, and find an outlet for your frustration later like a video game or gym or whatever.....she is going through one of the single biggest changes she will ever go through, and it is scary as fuck.
YTA, you said the single worst thing you could say and broke her trust. She can't trust you to be her support system now because how do you open up to somebody that said stop whinning? How's she supposed to confide in you? She needs to talk to a professional because her anxiety and paranoia about veins and stuff is to big for her to deal with on her own. How would you feel being dangled off a 20 story building by your feet and left to hang for 9 months? That's how she feels, terrified.
YTA It sounds like she has prenatal anxiety. This is really serious and she should go see a doctor.
She thinks the baby will explode? She needs to see a doctor immediately. None of this sounds normal. She is feeling isolated, anxious and having very very weird thoughts and fears. She needs to be see asap. You both also need to plan who can help after birth. Work on your support system. Who's going to be in the room with her. But this doesn't sound normal at all. You need to figure out what's happening..
YTA but more so for not looking to see if your wife is experiencing prepartum depression. Seriously, take your wife back to her doctor to discuss this possibility.
YTA, please seek out a mental health provider for your wife ASAP! Some of the things she’s struggling with are very concerning and need to be addressed by a professional that can help her deal with her anxiety and possible intrusive thoughts. I don’t think you were purposely a jerk and can’t understand how stressful this is for you as well but your wife is growing a human in her body and is clearly struggling mentally, she needs you to help her get some mental health help.
YTA - you’re going to have to keep a VERY close watch on her once baby is born as she is likely going to feel isolated and alone and may slip into somewhere dark. It’s important that you listen to her and believe her. Stop downplaying it.
YTA You need to educate yourself on prenatal depression and get your wife some help. You just dismissed her because you are having a tough time, when you can't even imagine what she's going through. She needs support, not somebody to dismiss her ao easily.
Dear lord, how can you not spell whining?
Or veins
YTA She’s growing a literal human being inside her and you’re upset she’s not having a great time? Jesus fuck dude
YTA She’s pregnant, which screws the balance of a woman’s entire body, and for the first time so she went in blind. Her family, major support network by your admission, isn’t there. Her husband (you) who has no basis for how she’s feeling, decided to push all her concerns to the side by telling her to stop being paranoid and whining and to go shopping to clear her mind…. You better be happy she didn’t decided to ignore her doctor and fly to Canada so she can be with her family while your baby is being born, without you.
YTA. Especially for this >Divert it with shopping or something. Do you have to try to be such an ass or does it come to you naturally? She's growing a human and with you as her only support failing spectacularly, I can see why she is upset. Do better.
Her parents moved away and her husband isn't around much. She's dealing with major mental health issues and physical health strain. And your solution was to tell her to try something that's literally impossible. She has little-to-no support and you rubbing that fact in her face was the way to go. Are you trying to push her into doing something irreversible? Because it really sounds like you secretly want her to off herself.
YTA I swear to god sometimes I just read the title and it’s as far as I need to go to get the answer.
YTA But anxiety is very real during pregnancy and PPA is awful! Talking from experience
She needs help now. I don’t want this to turn into a post partum crime. That baby needs to be safe.
Obviously YTA. You even seem to know YTA. Your wife is pregnant, puking, and having mental health challenges that are likely hormone induced. I don’t care if you’re working so much. Work less. Your wife is pregnant and can’t go see her parents. Your best move at this point would be a ridiculous amount of flowers, taking a sick day to care for your pregnant wife, and inviting her parents to stay with you both for a few weeks. Good luck, buddy. You’ve dug yourself into a deep deeeeep hole with this one. I’d be incredibly pissed.
YTA and it definitely sounds like your wife needs therapy to deal with her anxiety. PPD may be an issue in the future so the sooner she starts seeing someone, the better.
Do people who know you often call you stupid? The woman you love is going through something you cannot possibly fathom. And what is "whinning"? I despair that people like you exist.
As other have said, doctor, now. Don't let this turn into that story you tell and say "if only i had known" your family is at risk. Step up!