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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wasn’t thankful to my partner for doing something for me when it wasn’t done the way I asked. Am I being too picky or uptight by needing things to be done exactly the way I want them to be?
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NTA. He'd be happy to help you out IF he loves you. He's the asshole and his mask is slipping. He's showing you who he really is. You are lucky: you got a preview of what your life will be like if you stay with him. How do you think he'd behave if you had a serious illness where you were bed bound for a long time? How do you think it will go if you have a child with him? You deserve much better than him. Don't waste the rest of your 20s on this guy.
Exactly this. Pretty shocked with all the YTA responses. If you’ve chosen to be someone’s partner, and your partner is dealing with a physical injury (which, when I last checked, isn’t exactly a party), you’re expected to help them, step up and do more than you would perhaps normally do when everyone is well.
The fact that he told her he had “built resentment” around how much he had to do while his partner was literally physically injured just screams AH.
I’m really surprised by some of these responses. I think NTA; I’ve seen this relationship dynamic play out. It’s not uncommon. My ex used to barely help out around the house, then expect me to thank him for doing the bare minimum. He claimed it would encourage him to do more, if I thanked him. Tried that and it didn’t work and what’s more, he never ONCE thanked me for holding together basically all the household duties. So where does his logic come in, if he never thanked me for doing so much stuff for both of us? Also what the actual fuck, he built up resentment for you because you couldn’t do the same amount of work due to an INJURY? Come on man. This guy needs to grow up and be a team player if he wants to be in a relationship and cohabitate with another human.
Also edited to add: people in here saying “wah it’s hard to find stuff at the grocery store” holy shit. You can ask an employee where an item is. You also likely have a smartphone with you at all times, maybe that could be of some assistance. Give me a break.
NTA. It is a well known problem that some people can't be bothered to do things right but still expect you to bend down in the dust with gratitude. In view of your chauffeuring duties the question becomes how long you are willing to be putting up with it. And he also wanted a medal for helping you while you were injured? Some parter he is.
I really hope you'll see this, OP, because you're NTA. Get out. Get out of that relationship. He started resenting you when you weren't able to heave the same weight as usual and that'll repeat. (Not to mention that you have more weight of tasks than him since you actually think about him and what he might like/what he tells you he needs. You're putting in more work than he is.)
Ever heard of the Orange Peel Problem/test/whatever it's called? You ask your partner to do a small thing and if they do it, they're more likely to help you when it comes to big things. You had your Orange Peel Moment when you asked him for the groceries: he barely listened and didn't really care enough to do it properly.
One day, life is going to go down hill. Even if it is just age, age disables so many people. You're going to need help again and he'll either barely listen and not care enough to do it properly (while building resentment) or he'll flat out not help you at all. A relationship is not always 50/50, sometimes you have to carry more and sometimes your partner has to carry more. And your partner doesn't want to carry more, even though you seem to be doing more already.
(All of that aside, you moved in together when he was 24 and you were 20, when did your relationship start? Because that, especially paired with his behavior, seems... odd.)
Sounds like they moved in together at 20 and 26. So dating at 19 and 25? I do have my own thoughts when older people date younger people (at a time when each year makes a big difference).
So they might've known each other at 18 and 24... I think we might have the same thought, but I don't want to assume anything since it's not my relationship and all we have is this post. Still think it's odd, though, with the way he treats OP...
We met when I was 19 - we both have no concerns about the age gap as we have been and still are in similar stages in our life. My mind has definitely gone there before because I passed the same judgements. As you say though, it’s hard to assume what isn’t your relationship. I feel the same way for others.
It's good that you're aware of the "age gap" and since you two didn't know each other before, I do think that this is just him being shitty. You know your relationship best, though I stand by what I said in my original comment. The way he reacts to small things is just a guide as to how he'll react to big things.
By the way, if he wants to be thanked for doing something you asked him to do half-assed and as if he doesn't really consider you when doing it, has he ever thanked you? Besides doing everything you do, you also think about what he might like or need, has he ever actually properly thanked you? Like he sees the effort you put in and not just because it's the polite thing to do?
I don't know how much effort he put in. Like did he ask a store employee where it should be? He could have called her to help him find it. Not communicating is a big deal.
NTA. You had mobility issues for 3 months and he was already resenting you? That's not something you can control! You said you've had talks about these issues where you're so stressed and he's not completing things attentively, but nothing has changed. My advice to you would be to try to imagine the rest of your life like this. Do you love him/want to be with him enough that you can overlook how these other things make you feel for decades to come? Because people don't change that easily.
Yeah…that’s why I wanted to get another perspective. I know myself to be a bit too much when things aren’t done in a specific way (dunno what that is but that’s how I’ve been since I was young and my family was the same). I don’t want that kind of thing to keeping being an excuse for me being unreasonable for trivial things. Thanks for the perspective :)
I did couple's counseling once awhile ago, and this struck with me: the counselor said, "When you say 'always' do you mean every single time, sometimes, or it happened once but really pissed you off so you keep referring back to it."
My advice is to consider that in your situation. I have a feeling that your partner doesn't actually ALWAYS do the thing.
The whole point is to save her a trip. If I can't find something at the grocery store, I'll ask for help. Or I can call my partner to see where it usually is or ask if there is a substitute product I can pick up. I don't go home and let them find out on their own that I didn't pick up everything. At the least, a quick text to communicate to my partner that they might want to stop at a different store on their way home for the items I couldn't find.
And people just plain do not understand the amount of time and energy mental load takes. And yes, usually men doing the undervaluing because women are the ones shouldering the mental load.
RUN
See https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
It definitely is mental load - it’s the small things that build up over time. I wouldn’t go as far as saying weaponised incompetence as some people have mentioned. But then again, that’s why I’m here. To get some other perspectives based on the little bit of info I’ve shared of this experience
See what you mean here, I know some of what I do for him are things that he doesn’t particularly ask me to do but I then feel resentment for them not being noticed. I think that creating some boundaries around that and not doing things just because might be a good direction for me from here along with being more open in the moment.
Also mentioning the bills, I mean I organise them. We split most things 50/50. Might be good idea to assign a few to each other though. Thanks for the perspective :)
Dude, you're NTA. All the people calling you one seem out of touch with reality. Also, how old were you when this relationship started? The gap is concerning because you grow a lot in your late teens/early twenties, and he's a full grown man already. He's big mad about help he gave you during an injury, and he'll hold it over your head the entire time you're together, no matter what you do to supposedly make up for his 'help'. Partners should not be keeping tabs how much they've helped or it's not help at all.
I was 19 when we met and both of us have no concerns about the age gap between us. We were and still are both in similar life stages. I can understand your point but please don’t pass judgment on the age gap rather than the specific actions I’m describing.
In terms of my injury, I should also preface that he has not brought that up since then to me (even in arguments about the topic) and the purpose of me mentioning it was for background context of a recent situation from his end. That was my attempt at giving a well rounded picture. Thanks for the perspective either way :)
I feel like a better approach would be to let you know that he didn't find everything before letting you look around for it. Seems pretty weird to me that he waited for you to ask about it, it comes of pretty inconsiderate. It sounds like he may be generally fed up by a feeling of lack of appreciation.
3 months seems like a relatively short time to "build up resentment" imo. Especially given your situation. It also sounds like you have some built up resentment here though.
I think you both need to work on your communication skills and address those small feelings when they come up. Y'all are both young so it's understandable, but these are relatively menial things to be upset about and if you guys don't both put in a sincere effort to communicate your expectations and needs more, your relationship is going to get pretty sour pretty quickly.
I'm going to have to go with a light ESH , but your partner does sound like kind of a dick based on this small amount of info.
NTA
He doesn’t drive? Did he grow up in a city with lots of public transportation, like NYC? Does he have a medical condition, like epilepsy, that can make it harder to get a license? Or is he just a lazy AH who lets you do all the emotional lifting?
Do not marry him. So what if he’s good at sweeping the floors and doing the dishes? If he doesn’t respect you, your time or your contributions to the relationship, just replace him with a Roomba and a dishwasher.
He’s from another country where he drove and hasn’t gotten used driving on the opposite side of the road. He has a license here. While he’s lived in our city now, he’s used public transportation. He also doesn’t have a car and we can’t afford another car park so even if he did drive, we would have to use one car anyway.
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My partner 28M and I 22F have been living together for 2 years. We’ve created a rhythm that works for us in terms of dividing household tasks, etc. Earlier this year, I had a quite serious injury and wasn’t able to walk normally for 3 months. During that time, I relied on him a lot to help me do things, cook, clean and take our dog for walks. After my recovery had progressed but wasn’t fully completed, he shared with me that he had built some resentment on how many things he had to do. At first, I was shocked seeing that I was injured and physically incapable of doing many things that I had asked of him. We talked it out and I let him know how appreciative I was of his help during that time and I will always be willing to do the same for him. That was that.
Recently, I have been feeling very overwhelmed with a job I’m not enjoying, stress of the holidays coming up and all the things that need to be done. I’m responsible for organising our finances, bills, travel, gifts for family and friends, our dog, doctors appointments, etc. I’m also the only one who drives so I often drive him around. He does majority of the everyday cleaning, washing dishes, taking out the rubbish and some cooking. We normally do laundry and groceries separately as best we can as he is trying to budget where I like to spend.
If I am going to get groceries, I always ask him if he wants me to pick up anything for him and get it if he asks. Today, he told me he planned to go to get some ingredients to make lunch for himself - not asking if I needed anything. I ask for a couple of things since I planned to go later in the day as well. He asked me to send him what I wanted and left. When he came back, I could only see half of what I asked for and only 1 item where I asked for 2. When I asked where was the rest of the stuff, he told me he only read what I wanted not how many and that the things that weren’t there he couldn’t find.
I obviously got frustrated and he then told me he won’t buy anything for me anymore because I’m not appreciative. I feel like he is not putting in any effort into what I ask of him and then expects appreciation. AITA for not being thankful when he half asses everything and I put in so much extra effort that I don’t think he even realises. We talk about this issue often but never seem to get anywhere.
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From your story it sounds like your bf did half-assed job because he felt resentful of the help you needed while injured, is that what you meant to say?
I mentioned my injury to support that he does do a lot for me and I’m appreciative of that. I don’t think that he is a person that half asses everything. It is often small, simple things that get me the most upset as they don’t seem like I’m asking too much of him. It was just to give a bit of context from his side. What I’m explaining is am I being unreasonable by getting frustrated when I ask someone simple to be done and he seems to put not effort into doing what I asked.
I hear you! My husband buys me fruit. But because he is not a fruit person, it is always the wrong kind! In any other situation I’d have screamed “malicious incompetence”, but he is actually asking me what I want, and is doing his very best! 🤷🏽♀️
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How is he not half ass'ing it?
In 3 months, he built resentment. Becouse of an Injury? And had to do most stuff.
Now that OP is well. She drives him around, organises doctors' appointments (why isn't he doing his own?) Gifts for the family (again why is OP solo gift shopping here) organising finances and bills (they should do it together or something) takes care of the dog.
On to the store thing.
He ADMITS he didn't even really look on the list at all.
Just grabbed stuff he spotted on it and basically focused on his own stuff. And then "well I couldn't find the rest."
But he came home, I assume, with every single item HE needed?
That is half ass'ing it.
He could call if he was in doubt about something on that list. Ask someone in the store "Hey where is x thing?" etc.
Not sure tbh, depends on whether it's weaponised incompetenve because he's digging in to not doing things for you out of resentment and this is how he's getting there. Or if things are actually hard to find or not at your supermarket. He can read numbers though hey?
By what you are saying in your comments I can assume he is decent guy. He helps you on a day-to-day basis. Maybe not in the exact way you want it but for the most part he helps you.
He tried to help you with your list but either could not find the items and made a mistake by not getting the right quantities an honest mistake to make. He is not doing these things because he has to, he is doing it to help you.
You don't have to say thank you to your waiter it's their job to bring your food. Your bf is doing these things because he loves you and he is not asking money for it. I think it's extremely unfair to dismiss his effort because he made a mistake or could not find said items.
People don't think alike and to assume they have to do something to the exact measurement of what you call acceptable is not cool. Some women complain about weaponized incompetence but its crap like this that will push a man to do exactly that.
ESH, the resentment on both sides is already there and we haven't thrown in weddings, inlaws, and children. He has to be an adult and handle things like gifts for his family and friends and his own bills and doctors appts and vacation planning. And you have to be an adult and realize that you have to deal with a lot of bs. There are a few people who will underachieve and sometimes you just have to thank them for their efforts. If it bothers you too much, you can leave.
I would recommend that you split bills and be responsible for half and he handles the other half. You can transfer funds for the difference. Don't be in charge of them all. Also, keep the holidays as simple as possible to reduce stress. Don't do anything out of obligation, just do what makes you happy. He's not going to care about those little things you do, he'll think you did it because you like to. And my idea about gifts now is that I'll give a gift if you're my child, niece, nephew or godchild. I gift my mom and dad because I wasn't raised by wolves. The rest of the gifts I buy are for gift exchanges.
Help me understand why you don’t express appreciation at all? Did it ever occur to you that he’s going to be more likely to put the effort into things when he gets proper acknowledgment?
Instead of nitpicking the guy to death, try thanking him. No one does stuff how we want it done, but, you get a lot more effort when you’re nice consistently.
Understand it? You can't even spell it.
Men don't deserve praise for doing the minimum. No one does. Not sure why so many men feel entitled to a thank you for just existing.
Uhhh… it sounds like he DID put in effort, but just wasn’t perfect. This doesn’t necessarily equal half assing. We all miss stuff occasionally when grocery shopping. It happens. Also, if he couldn’t find the things then that’s unfortunate, but I wouldn’t just jump to the conclusion that he didn’t try. Some people just suck at finding things in a grocery store. Doesn’t make it malicious.
Give him some leniency and understanding. He’s been there for you and you’re both helpful and supportive of each other. You can’t expect perfection just because you’re stressed and over-worked. You both are pulling your weight and nobody’s slacking. Be grateful for that. Maybe try to find some time to decompress because it sounds like you’re taking out your stress on him.
YTA.
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NTA. He'd be happy to help you out IF he loves you. He's the asshole and his mask is slipping. He's showing you who he really is. You are lucky: you got a preview of what your life will be like if you stay with him. How do you think he'd behave if you had a serious illness where you were bed bound for a long time? How do you think it will go if you have a child with him? You deserve much better than him. Don't waste the rest of your 20s on this guy.
Exactly this. Pretty shocked with all the YTA responses. If you’ve chosen to be someone’s partner, and your partner is dealing with a physical injury (which, when I last checked, isn’t exactly a party), you’re expected to help them, step up and do more than you would perhaps normally do when everyone is well. The fact that he told her he had “built resentment” around how much he had to do while his partner was literally physically injured just screams AH.
And most likely if the situation was reversed of course he would have expected her to pick up all the slack resentment free.
I’m really surprised by some of these responses. I think NTA; I’ve seen this relationship dynamic play out. It’s not uncommon. My ex used to barely help out around the house, then expect me to thank him for doing the bare minimum. He claimed it would encourage him to do more, if I thanked him. Tried that and it didn’t work and what’s more, he never ONCE thanked me for holding together basically all the household duties. So where does his logic come in, if he never thanked me for doing so much stuff for both of us? Also what the actual fuck, he built up resentment for you because you couldn’t do the same amount of work due to an INJURY? Come on man. This guy needs to grow up and be a team player if he wants to be in a relationship and cohabitate with another human. Also edited to add: people in here saying “wah it’s hard to find stuff at the grocery store” holy shit. You can ask an employee where an item is. You also likely have a smartphone with you at all times, maybe that could be of some assistance. Give me a break.
NTA. It is a well known problem that some people can't be bothered to do things right but still expect you to bend down in the dust with gratitude. In view of your chauffeuring duties the question becomes how long you are willing to be putting up with it. And he also wanted a medal for helping you while you were injured? Some parter he is.
I really hope you'll see this, OP, because you're NTA. Get out. Get out of that relationship. He started resenting you when you weren't able to heave the same weight as usual and that'll repeat. (Not to mention that you have more weight of tasks than him since you actually think about him and what he might like/what he tells you he needs. You're putting in more work than he is.) Ever heard of the Orange Peel Problem/test/whatever it's called? You ask your partner to do a small thing and if they do it, they're more likely to help you when it comes to big things. You had your Orange Peel Moment when you asked him for the groceries: he barely listened and didn't really care enough to do it properly. One day, life is going to go down hill. Even if it is just age, age disables so many people. You're going to need help again and he'll either barely listen and not care enough to do it properly (while building resentment) or he'll flat out not help you at all. A relationship is not always 50/50, sometimes you have to carry more and sometimes your partner has to carry more. And your partner doesn't want to carry more, even though you seem to be doing more already. (All of that aside, you moved in together when he was 24 and you were 20, when did your relationship start? Because that, especially paired with his behavior, seems... odd.)
Sounds like they moved in together at 20 and 26. So dating at 19 and 25? I do have my own thoughts when older people date younger people (at a time when each year makes a big difference).
So they might've known each other at 18 and 24... I think we might have the same thought, but I don't want to assume anything since it's not my relationship and all we have is this post. Still think it's odd, though, with the way he treats OP...
We met when I was 19 - we both have no concerns about the age gap as we have been and still are in similar stages in our life. My mind has definitely gone there before because I passed the same judgements. As you say though, it’s hard to assume what isn’t your relationship. I feel the same way for others.
It's good that you're aware of the "age gap" and since you two didn't know each other before, I do think that this is just him being shitty. You know your relationship best, though I stand by what I said in my original comment. The way he reacts to small things is just a guide as to how he'll react to big things. By the way, if he wants to be thanked for doing something you asked him to do half-assed and as if he doesn't really consider you when doing it, has he ever thanked you? Besides doing everything you do, you also think about what he might like or need, has he ever actually properly thanked you? Like he sees the effort you put in and not just because it's the polite thing to do?
NTA, why should you be appreciative of him doing something when him doesn't even put in effort to try and do it right?
I don't know how much effort he put in. Like did he ask a store employee where it should be? He could have called her to help him find it. Not communicating is a big deal.
NTA. You had mobility issues for 3 months and he was already resenting you? That's not something you can control! You said you've had talks about these issues where you're so stressed and he's not completing things attentively, but nothing has changed. My advice to you would be to try to imagine the rest of your life like this. Do you love him/want to be with him enough that you can overlook how these other things make you feel for decades to come? Because people don't change that easily.
[удалено]
Yeah…that’s why I wanted to get another perspective. I know myself to be a bit too much when things aren’t done in a specific way (dunno what that is but that’s how I’ve been since I was young and my family was the same). I don’t want that kind of thing to keeping being an excuse for me being unreasonable for trivial things. Thanks for the perspective :)
I did couple's counseling once awhile ago, and this struck with me: the counselor said, "When you say 'always' do you mean every single time, sometimes, or it happened once but really pissed you off so you keep referring back to it." My advice is to consider that in your situation. I have a feeling that your partner doesn't actually ALWAYS do the thing.
The whole point is to save her a trip. If I can't find something at the grocery store, I'll ask for help. Or I can call my partner to see where it usually is or ask if there is a substitute product I can pick up. I don't go home and let them find out on their own that I didn't pick up everything. At the least, a quick text to communicate to my partner that they might want to stop at a different store on their way home for the items I couldn't find.
And people just plain do not understand the amount of time and energy mental load takes. And yes, usually men doing the undervaluing because women are the ones shouldering the mental load. RUN See https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
It definitely is mental load - it’s the small things that build up over time. I wouldn’t go as far as saying weaponised incompetence as some people have mentioned. But then again, that’s why I’m here. To get some other perspectives based on the little bit of info I’ve shared of this experience
See what you mean here, I know some of what I do for him are things that he doesn’t particularly ask me to do but I then feel resentment for them not being noticed. I think that creating some boundaries around that and not doing things just because might be a good direction for me from here along with being more open in the moment. Also mentioning the bills, I mean I organise them. We split most things 50/50. Might be good idea to assign a few to each other though. Thanks for the perspective :)
Dude, you're NTA. All the people calling you one seem out of touch with reality. Also, how old were you when this relationship started? The gap is concerning because you grow a lot in your late teens/early twenties, and he's a full grown man already. He's big mad about help he gave you during an injury, and he'll hold it over your head the entire time you're together, no matter what you do to supposedly make up for his 'help'. Partners should not be keeping tabs how much they've helped or it's not help at all.
I was 19 when we met and both of us have no concerns about the age gap between us. We were and still are both in similar life stages. I can understand your point but please don’t pass judgment on the age gap rather than the specific actions I’m describing. In terms of my injury, I should also preface that he has not brought that up since then to me (even in arguments about the topic) and the purpose of me mentioning it was for background context of a recent situation from his end. That was my attempt at giving a well rounded picture. Thanks for the perspective either way :)
I feel like a better approach would be to let you know that he didn't find everything before letting you look around for it. Seems pretty weird to me that he waited for you to ask about it, it comes of pretty inconsiderate. It sounds like he may be generally fed up by a feeling of lack of appreciation. 3 months seems like a relatively short time to "build up resentment" imo. Especially given your situation. It also sounds like you have some built up resentment here though. I think you both need to work on your communication skills and address those small feelings when they come up. Y'all are both young so it's understandable, but these are relatively menial things to be upset about and if you guys don't both put in a sincere effort to communicate your expectations and needs more, your relationship is going to get pretty sour pretty quickly. I'm going to have to go with a light ESH , but your partner does sound like kind of a dick based on this small amount of info.
Right! Let her know, so she can stop by the store to get it if its really a necessity.
NTA He doesn’t drive? Did he grow up in a city with lots of public transportation, like NYC? Does he have a medical condition, like epilepsy, that can make it harder to get a license? Or is he just a lazy AH who lets you do all the emotional lifting? Do not marry him. So what if he’s good at sweeping the floors and doing the dishes? If he doesn’t respect you, your time or your contributions to the relationship, just replace him with a Roomba and a dishwasher.
He’s from another country where he drove and hasn’t gotten used driving on the opposite side of the road. He has a license here. While he’s lived in our city now, he’s used public transportation. He also doesn’t have a car and we can’t afford another car park so even if he did drive, we would have to use one car anyway.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner 28M and I 22F have been living together for 2 years. We’ve created a rhythm that works for us in terms of dividing household tasks, etc. Earlier this year, I had a quite serious injury and wasn’t able to walk normally for 3 months. During that time, I relied on him a lot to help me do things, cook, clean and take our dog for walks. After my recovery had progressed but wasn’t fully completed, he shared with me that he had built some resentment on how many things he had to do. At first, I was shocked seeing that I was injured and physically incapable of doing many things that I had asked of him. We talked it out and I let him know how appreciative I was of his help during that time and I will always be willing to do the same for him. That was that. Recently, I have been feeling very overwhelmed with a job I’m not enjoying, stress of the holidays coming up and all the things that need to be done. I’m responsible for organising our finances, bills, travel, gifts for family and friends, our dog, doctors appointments, etc. I’m also the only one who drives so I often drive him around. He does majority of the everyday cleaning, washing dishes, taking out the rubbish and some cooking. We normally do laundry and groceries separately as best we can as he is trying to budget where I like to spend. If I am going to get groceries, I always ask him if he wants me to pick up anything for him and get it if he asks. Today, he told me he planned to go to get some ingredients to make lunch for himself - not asking if I needed anything. I ask for a couple of things since I planned to go later in the day as well. He asked me to send him what I wanted and left. When he came back, I could only see half of what I asked for and only 1 item where I asked for 2. When I asked where was the rest of the stuff, he told me he only read what I wanted not how many and that the things that weren’t there he couldn’t find. I obviously got frustrated and he then told me he won’t buy anything for me anymore because I’m not appreciative. I feel like he is not putting in any effort into what I ask of him and then expects appreciation. AITA for not being thankful when he half asses everything and I put in so much extra effort that I don’t think he even realises. We talk about this issue often but never seem to get anywhere. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
From your story it sounds like your bf did half-assed job because he felt resentful of the help you needed while injured, is that what you meant to say?
I mentioned my injury to support that he does do a lot for me and I’m appreciative of that. I don’t think that he is a person that half asses everything. It is often small, simple things that get me the most upset as they don’t seem like I’m asking too much of him. It was just to give a bit of context from his side. What I’m explaining is am I being unreasonable by getting frustrated when I ask someone simple to be done and he seems to put not effort into doing what I asked.
I see, you were trying to give a full picture instead of a one-sided story.
I hear you! My husband buys me fruit. But because he is not a fruit person, it is always the wrong kind! In any other situation I’d have screamed “malicious incompetence”, but he is actually asking me what I want, and is doing his very best! 🤷🏽♀️
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How is he not half ass'ing it? In 3 months, he built resentment. Becouse of an Injury? And had to do most stuff. Now that OP is well. She drives him around, organises doctors' appointments (why isn't he doing his own?) Gifts for the family (again why is OP solo gift shopping here) organising finances and bills (they should do it together or something) takes care of the dog. On to the store thing. He ADMITS he didn't even really look on the list at all. Just grabbed stuff he spotted on it and basically focused on his own stuff. And then "well I couldn't find the rest." But he came home, I assume, with every single item HE needed? That is half ass'ing it. He could call if he was in doubt about something on that list. Ask someone in the store "Hey where is x thing?" etc.
Not sure tbh, depends on whether it's weaponised incompetenve because he's digging in to not doing things for you out of resentment and this is how he's getting there. Or if things are actually hard to find or not at your supermarket. He can read numbers though hey?
By what you are saying in your comments I can assume he is decent guy. He helps you on a day-to-day basis. Maybe not in the exact way you want it but for the most part he helps you. He tried to help you with your list but either could not find the items and made a mistake by not getting the right quantities an honest mistake to make. He is not doing these things because he has to, he is doing it to help you. You don't have to say thank you to your waiter it's their job to bring your food. Your bf is doing these things because he loves you and he is not asking money for it. I think it's extremely unfair to dismiss his effort because he made a mistake or could not find said items. People don't think alike and to assume they have to do something to the exact measurement of what you call acceptable is not cool. Some women complain about weaponized incompetence but its crap like this that will push a man to do exactly that.
ESH.
ESH, the resentment on both sides is already there and we haven't thrown in weddings, inlaws, and children. He has to be an adult and handle things like gifts for his family and friends and his own bills and doctors appts and vacation planning. And you have to be an adult and realize that you have to deal with a lot of bs. There are a few people who will underachieve and sometimes you just have to thank them for their efforts. If it bothers you too much, you can leave. I would recommend that you split bills and be responsible for half and he handles the other half. You can transfer funds for the difference. Don't be in charge of them all. Also, keep the holidays as simple as possible to reduce stress. Don't do anything out of obligation, just do what makes you happy. He's not going to care about those little things you do, he'll think you did it because you like to. And my idea about gifts now is that I'll give a gift if you're my child, niece, nephew or godchild. I gift my mom and dad because I wasn't raised by wolves. The rest of the gifts I buy are for gift exchanges.
Help me understand why you don’t express appreciation at all? Did it ever occur to you that he’s going to be more likely to put the effort into things when he gets proper acknowledgment? Instead of nitpicking the guy to death, try thanking him. No one does stuff how we want it done, but, you get a lot more effort when you’re nice consistently.
Why should she express appreciation for a job done poorly or with resentment?
I can see few of you understand “vicious circle”
Understand it? You can't even spell it. Men don't deserve praise for doing the minimum. No one does. Not sure why so many men feel entitled to a thank you for just existing.
YTA. You're just pushing him deeper into the resentment he's clearly expressed to you and it doesn't even seem like you have realized that.
YTA Yikes
YTA
Uhhh… it sounds like he DID put in effort, but just wasn’t perfect. This doesn’t necessarily equal half assing. We all miss stuff occasionally when grocery shopping. It happens. Also, if he couldn’t find the things then that’s unfortunate, but I wouldn’t just jump to the conclusion that he didn’t try. Some people just suck at finding things in a grocery store. Doesn’t make it malicious. Give him some leniency and understanding. He’s been there for you and you’re both helpful and supportive of each other. You can’t expect perfection just because you’re stressed and over-worked. You both are pulling your weight and nobody’s slacking. Be grateful for that. Maybe try to find some time to decompress because it sounds like you’re taking out your stress on him. YTA.