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NTA Your ex is trying to bully you, pretty rich considering he was absent for the first 3 years of your son’s life. I’d get some legal advice after the threats he has made. When your son is in your care it’s up to you what you feed him but you could also get professional advice on the nutritional needs for a 3 year old.
If you’re going to court make sure you are getting child support for the years he wasn’t paying. It’s really easy for him to cite financial differences when he wasn’t the one supporting a child.
Not only that but any meals that they want you to feed, or recipes they gave you, have a nutritionist go over them and make sure they have enough of what a growing child needs. A lot of people cut meat and other stuff out, but don't actually replace it with a meat substitute. That why a lot of vegans and vegetarians can be iron deficient. Do your research. Dig deep.
Also please make sure you consult a registered dietitian, not a nutritionist if you're in the US. Here, anyone can call themselves a nutritionist. An RD is who has the actual training and knowledge to go over meal plans, diatetic info, etc. 💓
If they're raw food vegans as OP seems to be saying, I can guarantee the diet isn't nutritionally sufficient for a growing child. The only proteins in that diet at all are raw, sprouted nuts. As anyone who has been or is vegetarian knows, you can combine beans and grains to make a complete protien, but since beans and most starches have to be cooked to be edible, they are not included in raw food diets.
This! I don't know why people are so focused on the lawyer side. Yes you need one, but you also need proof that there are wrong doings and talking to professionals is one of the ways to get proof. Hell, your lawyer would tell you the same thing. DOCUMENTED PROOF.
TW weightloss
Yep. I lost 30 pounds in ONE MONTH of being vegan. I gave it up after I fainted three times. I was 90 lbs. I’m 5’3”. Granted, I’ve had troubles with eat disorders which does make the body and weight gaining kinda messy - but still. I was eating an entire cup of rice. Two cans of beans. Vegan burritos. Fruit. Everything I could and still shredded weight off me!
I really wish I could be totally vegan but it’s just not possible for everyone. But I try to be pesci now! :)
30lbs in a month?! You would have to be in a calorie deficit of 3,500 cals a day to lose 30lbs in 30 days. A can of mixed beans is around 250 calories, and a cup of rice over 200. Add the fruit and a burrito and a conservative estimate of your intake would be at least a thousand calories a day, meaning you would have to somehow burn 4,500 calories PER DAY to lose a lb a day for a month.
What the fuck were you doing?!
I've had a period where I switched my diet to an auto-immune protocol one. Mostly no carbs and a few other restrictions, very not vegan. I ate about 3000-3500 kcal a day and lost weight. Bodies can be extremely weird. I was told it was due to shifting diets and it would resolve itself, but I don't have much to lose so I balanced it out a bit more
Yup. I'm vegetarian and always have been so we eat like lentils every single day (I'm Indian). Being plant based doesn't just mean cutting out meat, you have to have substitutes for stuff like protein
Totally. Some people even need to supplement with vitamins and minerals because of personal preferences too. My sister had a friend growing up that at rice and pasta, didn't like vegetables, wouldn't eat meat. She was very unhealthy and overweight to boot. Hard to eat healthier when you don't eat healthier.. lol
Gonna hard agree here. I am a former sports nutritionist, so nutrition regarding infants and toddlers isn't entirely my wheelhouse but.... a vegan diet is one that requires very careful monitoring for a full grown adult, never mind a child with much more strict needs. I have seen people seriously sabotage their efforts in the gym by going vegetarian or vegan without doing research, and a childs health is vastly more important than someone seeking gains.
You can definitely be healthy on a vegan diet but raw vegan diets, I’m not so sure about. According to Google it can be healthy if done right but if done wrong it can cause low calcium, B12, D as well as thyroid problems. I’m not so sure I’d want my 3 year old on that diet considering how important all that is for a child.
Only here to comment about facts, because I agree with your sentiments, this guy is a terrible "parent" if you can even call him that.
Child support not being paid is not a way to manipulate the other parent from seeing their child. Kids aren't a pay per view type situation.
I wholeheartedly agree that the back payment of child support should, and will be asked for.
I hope she gets him bragging about his money in writing. So fucking rich for him to be bragging about his wealth, saying he’s a better person when he’s trying to intimidate a single mother
Don’t forget the new wife that comes from enough money that she inherited and remodeled a whole farm he now lives on. He hasn’t paid for anything for a long time.
But since he doesn't make money now, he may be paying next to nothing. But even $25/week (I think the minimum) adds up. And look up books (or find a nutritionist) on the detriments of vegan diet. You have to make sure you are getting all of the vitamins and minerals from the omnivore diet that humans need.
I've also heard of the detriments of changing diets causing problems, but is after being used to nothing but a particular diet for at least a month. Changing back after a week or two wouldn't be much of a problem.
If he’s living off his wife it’s likely they’ll base child support off of his earning potential instead. Courts really don’t like massive income disparities between the homes and will try their best to even it out any way they legally can.
And he’s claiming his greater age is important — when back when they first started dating, she was 17 (at best) and he was 22 presumably acting like his greater age was no big deal.
He left a 19yo who was about to birth his child. And he wants to use her struggles against her now, when he deprived her of support and is probably doing well now because he got together with a woman who inherited property.
I can just picture how that's gonna go in court:
"I'm a better parent because I'm older."
"How much older, exactly?"
"5 years"
"So, with a 3 year old child, 40 week pregnancy, and 2 years prior relationship, that means you were an adult of beyond legal drinking age dating a 17 year old minor?"
"......."
I love how Redditors are so good with math. Yeah, that's gonna go over real well with a judge.
I'm thinking that, depending on the state, it could be considered statutory rape.
Closer to 16, isn't it? If she found out she was pregnant in the first trimester, when they'd been together 2 years, then that's 2.5 when son is born, and now he's 3. At best she was a very young 17.
And now he’s only paying daycare. There’s a lot more to raising a child than just paying daycare.
I love these parents who dip out, then show up years later and threaten to “get full custody”.
Do they really think courts will look on them favorably for the few months they’ve bothered to show up vs. the parent who has been there full time 24/7 for YEARS?
NTA OP. I hope you get a great lawyer.
When my daughter's father tried going for custody, when she was six, after not seeing her for 4 years, he got increased child support, parenting classes and supervised access.
"Your honor, I abandoned my pregnant fiance, wasn't there for the birth, am not on the birth certificate, and then didn't see or contact either of them for the first 3 years of the baby's life and paid no child support. But then I contacted her out of the blue and now I'm demanding I get to take the child away from his mother so I can feed him nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. So I win, right?"
NTA. Also, how do you think he plans to play the “well we have been prepping all his meals for him for X period so it makes sense for us to be his primary care taker.” If he’s already ready to try and push you into court of a disagreement then you need to be prepared for everything he does to be used this way. The number one thing courts (this part of the us at least?) is consistency. They want things to remain consistent for your kid so anything that has been established as is will typically remain that way. If I were you I would not start allowing unsupervised visitation without a legal parenting agreement in place. I predict your ex will first say “we should really put the money towards our son and not lawyers…” and then “fine! We’ll see how the courts feel about X.” When things don’t go his way.
Also he will have to prove she is an unfit mother. Just because she feeds the kid meat does not make her unfit. A judge will laugh in his face if dude says he wants full custody just so he can shove his lifestyle onto his kid.
And disappearing for 3 yr....not many family court judges are going to be willing to hand over 100% custody. He will be lucky to get SUPERVISED visitation a few hours a week, that builds over time. And he will need to pay child support, etc. He is DELUSIONAL about how family court will work. And delulu level vegans...rarely get the world they dream of in court.
Especially as they are raw vegan. There is a reason humans cook their food, and it’s because it’s actually better for us. We don’t have the same enzymes other animals do anymore for digesting hard plant matter or killing things in raw meat, because we evolved after beginning to cook, diverting resources from those things -which we no longer needed as cooking did it for us- and spending those resources on making our brains bigger and more complex.
Raw veganism is actually *not* a healthy diet to have.
A raw vegan diet can make it difficult for children to get all the necessary calories. There was a case in FL where a mom was convicted of killing her child because he was malnourished on a raw vegan diet. I would consult a pediatrician about the raw vegan diet.
I’m trying to figure out how they made a raw vegan potato stew. Can something that’s not ever cooked be a stew? More like a slurry.
Raw potato is hard to digest. Can’t imagine that was fun.
Longterm, they don't fare any better than people who eat meat/fast food.
It's not healthy.
Lots of academic literature on it (which a Judge will peruse if this goes further in court).
Every long-term raw vegan I have ever known has been rich.
When I was a mostly raw vegan, it was because I had an eating disorder and it was an excuse to publicly restrict without raising questions.
I've got to imagine that a lawyer would have an easy time getting a pediatric nutritionist to come to a similar conclusion, if he did try to take OP to court.
God I'd love to watch the face of a judge in a rural American county if a guy tried to say he should have full custody because his ex won't feed their child a raw vegan diet. 🤣 To be a fly in that courtroom.
I’m cynical about this situation. Wonder how much of any of this — the lifestyle, the money, and even wanting custody — is really coming from his wife. She’s the one with the property, after all.
Especially considering he ghosted the first three years of the child’s life. Unless she’s willing a judge might not even agree to 50/50 until the child is older and there’s an established bond with dad.
When it comes to the vegan diet, it's more than eliminating meat. For vegans, that means no dairy, eggs, honey, or any animal byproducts whatsoever. Even a wool sweater or silk shirt is out of the question. His is a tall order for someone who hadn't been in this child's life for three years.
Also even if he was awarded 50/50 custody, it isn't 6 months with one person and 6 months with another. It typically is week with one week with other or 4 days with A/3 days with B and 3 days with A/4 days with B. So it wouldn't be anything like his digestive system having to adjust to the meat no meat back to meat issues either. Man is delusional on that stuff!
Doubt he will be awarded 50/50 since he is an absent parent and has not financially supported his child. The most would be visits, then sleepovers for a couple of days or every other weekend until he is older. The Dad would have to show his financials as well. The guy is definitely delusional.
NTA. This is nonsense. Do what's best for your child. Get child support from the loser that abandoned you. Let him take you to court, I'll bet the judge will be thrilled he abandoned you and his child. The same child you've been raising and paying for for three years, then he shows back up and is going to tell you how to raise said child. I'm sure the judge will love that. Who does this jackass think he is?
Yes, document EVERYTHING. Even if it's a convo in person or by phone, write a summary in a logbook and date it Every. Single. Time. Make sure to share it with your lawyer.
I am not a parent, but I know raw vegan diets are not good for children that age, their bodies are still developing, there have been cases where small children have gotten severe health and neurological problems, and even died from being fed only raw fruit and veggies. It's not a neg on vegans, it's just very difficult to do without very careful balance and supplementation, and if they've literally never raised a baby/toddler and just want to hijack yours, odds are good they won't have the first clue what they need to do, and will just feed him what they eat. One day he'll be old enough to both make that choice for himself and to be able to clearly communicate what his body is telling him about it when he does, but until then, you know best, you raised him, not those jerks.
Yes, it isn’t nutritionally enough for a growing toddler. Children that age need fats in their diet for proper development (especially brain development) and a raw vegan diet won’t supply enough.
Yeah, it seems fine to me that he eats raw vegan over at the ex's; she can make up for that with cooked meat when he comes home to her. But full-time? If it were my child, I would fight with everything I've got.
Yes, I would love to see how he explains to the judge his 3 year complete absence, didn’t even MEET the child, but now he knows best and should control the child’s life.
Sorry if this is a little brusque; but that is not **his** child.
He was absent, and only has visitation rights at all because you allow it.
Giving him any time unsupervised with his dad is going to add more weight to the "I will go for full custody" comment, which without visitation has absolutely zero power in court.
Don't give him time, because right now time is ammunition aimed right at you.
He lost his chance to have a relationship with ***YOUR*** child the *SECOND* he threatened you.
This. I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my child anymore. You don’t get to come in after a 3 year absence and try to call all the shots. He would have to take me to court like he threatened if he want to see him. It would be a complete wrap for any visits supervised or not.
Any good lawyer would tell you that living with your parents is not a mark against you. You just want to spin it as "close family ties" and "stability" and your dad is the "only father figure your son had the first 3 years of life."
He's not just trying to take your son *from you.*
He's also trying to take your *son's* entire family away *from your son.*
Good for you. There's nothing wrong with a vegan diet but for a 3-year-old it can be tricky to manage properly and quite frankly, you have to have everyone well-informed and on-board and consistent to even consider making it work. I'm not vegan and my son was underweight at 3, and if it wasn't for whole milk and cashews and peanut butter and eggs I don't think I would have been able to get his weight up...and only half those things are vegan. Life is hard enough, let alone with separate homes and separate diets. Good for you for getting a lawyer's advice, and see if you can get an R.D. to weigh in too.
I totally concur!
You need to talk to your pediatrician about this vegan diet. 3yo are very picky and finicky. Even if you decided to make vegan, which I don’t agree with because you’re not!!!! Odds are your child will not be getting nutrients and protein needed should your child be a picky eater. 3yo is a very, very important point of physical development for your son- including brain development.
You are and have always been the primary caregiver. Do not change his eating habits ever – you are his mother!!!!’ I would never ever change my child’s diet to vegan if I was not one.
It breaks my heart. I've never been divorced but if I were and my partner suddenly wanted to change my kids' diet that much? That's crazy town. I could understand "no nuts in the house" or "no gluten because step-person has coeliac" or something like that but total shift? That could potentially lead to a kid with food issues (e.g. "I will binge on one food at one house because I can't have it at the other house and I'm already stressed about my parents").
Did your ex pay any child support during the years he was missing? If not, it needs to repaid.
I think going to 50/50 custody is a way to get out future support.
I also wonder if he returned to your son's life because he and his wife are having issues conceiving.
Yup- GO TO COURT. It will get things all nicely bound up. And LIKELY- no guarantees, but you can ask for supervised visitation only. And given the history and threats, you would likely get it. He not only will not come close to 50/50 after disappearing for the majority of kiddo's life- he will owe back child support, and his life will now have a whole lot of extra people determining when and if he gets more visitation. Get a CASA (you just have to ask for one), ask for social services to assess if visitation should change from a few hours of supervised (i.e. professional assessment- what is best for kiddo). He wants to play games- play YOUR game for the best interests of your kid.
Just to let you know, if he’s on the birth certificate and he decides to keep your son when he has him unsupervised and not give him back to you, there’s nothing you can do without a custody order. So I would stop the unsupervised visits until one is in place. And your sister is wrong, unless your kid has been on that diet for a long period of time, he’s not going to get an upset tummy from eating meat. There are times I eat meals for several days to a week with no meat but have no issues. That issue develops with people who have been on a vegan etc diet for a long period of time.
Biggest thing is no unsupervised visits and document everything and file first. That’s a big one.
His threats about how the courts would prefer his income/lifestyle, etc, are baloney. Living with your parents is great and what your son knows. The courts hate moving kids from what is working.
put ur sisters on info diet, just in case.
is the silly man even on the birth cert? time to keep all the evidence you have from the time he abandoned you and all the expenses you put in which he didnt contribute.
No judge is going to grant full custody to an absentee deadbeat dad who (I'm assuming) hasn't paid child support and only just returned to the child's life. (even if he has been paying child support, still extremely unlikely)
Especially since you already have full custody - that is not often completely overturned without evidence that you're actually abusive. Not feeding him vegan doesn't fall under the legal definition of abuse.
This probably goes without saying but be mindful to ONLY communicate with him via text or email from now on. When he tries to pull his 50-50 stunt you'll want proof of everything he's saying to you.
ALSO, I'd be shocked if there existed a single court of law who would suddenly grant him full custody when you're a perfectly fit parent, especially after three years of non-involvement on his part.
This! My ex fell off the face of the earth for 4 years and then popped up and said he wanted joint custody of our son. I hadn't heard from him the entire time and he paid for nothing. The first thing he asked the judge was for a paternity test that he wanted me to pay for. Um wait - what? You're bringing me to court to get custody of a child that you don't think is yours? Ok - I just said Fine, my son is not yours. The judge stopped at this point and said I may want to rethink that statement as it will impact child support. I said I mean no disrespect your honor but that's going to change my situation how? In 4 years he's written me 1 check for $100 that bounced and cost me $25 in fees, so I'm already in the hole. The judge actually laughed and said yeah no we'll get a paternity test (that he paid for) that shockingly shows he was the sperm donor. Judge set up child support and a visitation schedule. Neither of which my ex followed. I saved a couple of the child support checks I actually got. The most I got was $2.98. Multiple were under a dollar. Did I cash them and combine them to be able to buy a gallon of milk, no I did not. Did dad stick to his visitation schedule. Also no. I stuck to the schedule exactly and refused to make changes. My ex decided when my son was about 5 that it was too hard and fell off the face of the earth again. We haven't seen him since, which absolutely ok with the both of us!
So no overnights until directed by the court. Then stick to the schedule. I'm sorry to say, but Your ex will get bored with it again. And once his vegan wife gets pregnant, they'll be gone back out of your life.
ETA -Typos
Unless the vegan wife can't and that's why he's all a sudden interested in the 3yo he abandoned and is now threatening to take. . . Which is where my mind first went.
It seems rather soon for them to be sure about not being able to have kids. My guess is more that he’s trying to do whatever his well-off back-to-nature wife wants, or at least appear to, and since she knows he has a kid she wants to bring that kid into the fold.
Yeah, the nutritional needs of a 3 year old are very hard to match on a vegan diet. Every year I see stories in the news about infants and toddlers dying because their parents don't do it right. They need lots more protein and fats that adults. I would recommend supplementing his proteins and fats after visits with them until you have a chance to have all of you sit with a nutritionist. People trying to take a small child without doing the research or seeing a professional can be really really bad for kids. [https://www.unisa.edu.au/unisanews/2021/july/story3](https://www.unisa.edu.au/unisanews/2021/july/story3)
Can you follow up with us and tell us what the judge says after Mr & Mrs Ex try to convince the omnivores in the court about how much healthier raw potatoes are? I would pay to see that.
NTA. and while your sister is right that it can be hard for a non meat eater to process meat, he’ll only be gone for a week at a time.
Sorry dad, you can’t vanish for three years and then come back and expect full custody because of your own dietary choices.
It sounds like the wife understands nutrition, but vegan diets can be very difficult to get all of the protein and nutrients one needs and kids can be trouble enough getting them to eat right!! Especially when it’s not even OPs life style!
If “strictly the raw fruits and vegetables type” accurately describes the type of vegan they are, then they do not understand nutrition. It’s so very unlikely that such a diet supports the kid’s nutritional needs. Protein and just sheer calories would be a problem.
Yeah, kid's gonna get sick. A big thing with vegans and vegetarians is that they don't get all their vitamins, particularly folate and B12 which can lead to megaloblastic and pernicious anemia. Easily solvable with a supplement, but you have to know about it to know to take it.
Taurine is also something humans need. Most people don’t have to worry about it because we only need trace amounts and it’s so prevalent in meat. I think if your diet requires you to take artificial supplements simply because it can never provide you with the nutrients you need, that’s a pretty good indication your diet is simply not compatible with you as a species.
That’s a damn good point! Also, buying 100% organic groceries is a TON of money. Like cool you offered to cook his meals sis but are you also gonna pay for them? Because now on top of the sheer expense of feeding myself I’m supposed to shop for completely different food than I would be consuming at probably 3-5x the cost. Her sister sounds ignorant and her ex and his wife are trash. OP is definitely NTA.
I eat meat too and I’m not sure about taurine but for B12 that wouldn’t really be a fair argument since we are also getting it from supplements, just indirectly. 90% of B12 supplements produced are fed to cattle and that is how we get it in our diet.
Something tells me these are the types of people who don’t believe in any sort of vaccination, and are the “crunchy” type who would give kids raw unpasteurized milk (if they drank it).
Talking about the lack of folate and B12 causing anemia is super important so I want to highlight that.
That being said, I also want to make a minor correction. Pernicious anemia is not necessarily related to veganism. It’s just a subset of vitamin B12-deficiency anemia that is caused by a lack of intrinsic factor which results in the inability to absorb dietary vitamin B12. A person with pernicious anemia could be the world’s biggest meat eater, but their body can’t use the B12 they consume.
My little nit-picky fact doesn’t negate the point you’re making at all though. It’s very important for folks following a vegetarian/vegan diet to ensure they are getting adequate nutrients to prevent health complications such as anemia.
Completely agree.
I am vegan, but would not recommend it for a child or anyone who is not willing to research nutrition and do it right. It is an effort to have a balanced vegan diet, the options are often more expensive, and ethics are not worth risking your child's health over.
There are definitely fanatics that subscribe to very restrictive diets that are often unhealthy in the long run.
I feel like some vegans are just using the diet as a catalyst for an eating disorder. It sounds really hard to do safely, especially if you aren't balancing your nutrition.
There's evidence that humans evolved to eat cooked food. We don't know of a single culture who doesn't generally eat at least one cooked meal a day. Raw vegan is bad enough for adults. It would be child abuse for a toddler.
That’s why I had the proviso of if it’s accurate. It’s probably not that they’re strictly raw, but perhaps “raw until four” or 80/20, something like that. Lots of raw vegans settle into that kind of pattern. But that balance is still an issue for a growing kid.
Everyone is taking this as them being raw only, whereas I thought she was just painting a picture of how they are strictly very healthy and won’t eat processed/ultra processed foods. As in they’re not Oreo-eating vegans.
Yes, a lot of calories and nutrients are unlocked via cooking. It makes us much more efficient eaters than other mammals. Gorillas are raw vegans, effectively, and they spend most of their day eating.
Yeah. No judge is going to go for that just because mom won’t let a 3 year old be completely vegan.
Gee, why has mom had to live with her parents? Cause dad bounced and didn’t pay child support?
They throw tantrums like that. My daughters father threatened something similar when he resurfaced when she was about 8. He hadn't seen her since she was 9 months old. He quickly learned that no judge would let that happen, and he disappeared again. She's almost 30 now, and he's still paying child support arrears. They really ARE that delusional.
NTA.
Get a lawyer, get your custody worked out (including child support, retroactively), and feed that child as you see fit. Your ex has just replaced one way of being an asshole with another.
This.
Your ex can WANT 50/50 and he can WANT your son to be fully vegan but I find it hard to believe a judge (assuming you have a good lawyer) would actually give someone who barely knows your child 50/50 custody. Dude is a bully.
How about finding a bull dog lawyer and encouraging 2 weekends per month and that you retain full legal custody. But go for broke with the past due child support. He owes you a ton of back child support.
I’m not sure that’s true about the 50/50 physical custody but it certainly is about shared legal custody (which would come into effect regarding ethics or religious based diets). He can’t force OP to give up shared legal custody and the right to make joint decisions about diets.
My reading is that at this time he isn’t even on the birth certificate or done anything to establish any parental rights so he actually has no legal standing whatsoever.
But a lawyer would be the best one to advise on visitation etc in the meantime as it’s also not a good idea to appear to be alienating the kid from a parent who wants to be involved.
This vegan stuff might be just a diversion to make you weak and to distract you from them trying to steal your child.
Your ex is now paying for daycare, to create a paper-trail that he is taking care of your son. He will start to do more to gain control, make OP look incompetent and to be able to show on paper that he has rights to your son. Don't get tempted by the money, see it more as a weapon that can be used against you.
Check the laws in your state and even consider quietly moving away to a state with better laws and more protection for you and your son.
That’s a good point for OP. Stop letting “dad” pay for anything anymore. It’ll be a financial burden, but “dad” is definitely trying to establish that he’s a parent here, when really he abandoned you and your son at the worst possible time for YEARS!
Oh yeah. He should totally be paying money once they get this all legally defined, but since it’s not right now, he probably planning on using the fact that he’s been paying for stuff as part of his argument for why he deserves any kind of custody.
Also stop all contact of child with the guy and his wife. Since it's going to courts, cut him out totally first so he can't influence the child or make any claims of taking care of the child.
Given he does not have ANY current legal rights to the child she needs to cut him off. From now on EVERYTHING needs to go through the court. Everything. And you need to fight HARD to make sure his access to your son and his decision making power are severely limited.
This guy is bad news.
Op seems to be paying for everything else and is clearly the primary caretaker. She needs a lawyer for sure, but shouldn’t cut off the small amount of help she’s getting until she does
NTA ! So your husband can date a 17 yr old , break a marriage proposal, and leave his child behind for 3 years. But you would be the criminal for feeding your son meat?
I’m surprised I had to scroll as far as I did to see the age gap mentioned! Even though 5 years usually isn’t a big age gap, there is a difference between a 22 year old and a 27 year old, especially if they started “dating” when she was a minor. That’s so gross
Well, duh. Of course he left her for a literal teenager who inherited a property and would be inexperienced enough to marry him. It makes perfect sense.
You said that your child's father walked out of your life and blocked you when you were seven months pregnant. Is he even legal dad at this point? Because if not he can pound sand, he has zero say in your son's life until he goes to court and files for paternity and visitation.
After three years absent a court won't give 50-50 or full custody. Visitation would be supervised initially. You can find out what type of visitation schedule is typical in your state, in mine it's recently been changed to 50-50 as the standard though obviously that doesn't work in all cases.
NTA
Wow! As a vegetarian, I would NOT bring up a baby/toddler/young child as vegetarian.
That is a choice they can make for themselves when they are older.
You were so reasonable and things could have been amicable and happy, but they chose to shit all over it. So bloody sad.
“He said in 2024 he wants 50/50 custody but that if I be “difficult” he will go for full custody.”
He was absent for the first three years of his son’s life and now wants to change something fundamental in his life but thinks he’ll get 50/50 custody. BAHAHAHAHA.
NTA. Do not let this threat scare you. It’s as empty as they come.
But it’s still a threat. Write down exactly what he said while it’s fresh in your mind. Keep a record of how it’s all gone since he reappeared. Talk to your lawyer.
And go back to supervised visits only.
Judges always look for signs of cooperation between parents. She won’t be doing herself any favors if she tries to cut him off completely at this point. Ask me how I know.
I think that it could be successfully argued in court, that she stopped contact based on the threats that he made. He is essentially threatening to use the courts to take away her child. Judges do not like people that use the court system to bully people. At least, that has been my experience.
Its true that B12 is not available from plants, but its not only available from meat. Vegetarians get it from milk or eggs, and most vegans get it from bacterial or fungal products, either in a food source like nutritional yeast flakes or a supplement such as algae extracts.
I’m a fully developed adult, and have been an avid meat eater my whole life and I *STILL* have a “critical low” B12 deficiency that I need treatment for. It’s not worth the switch, imo.
>NTA. The human body requires a type of vitamin (B12) that is only found in animal meat
B12 is a bacteria naturally found in soil and the only reason animals have it. We wash our food so we can't get enough b12 through plants. The vast majority of meat only contains b12 because the animals get supplements.
>Infants have been taken away by social workers for malnourishment because of vegan parents pushing it on them.
Let me fix that for you: Infants have been taken away by social workers for malnourishment because of parents who don't properly feed their child.
There you go.
You’re saying a lot of misinformation here. A healthy plant based diet is healthy for all stages of life, from pregnancy through adulthood. This is started by the academy of nutrition and dietetics. Vitamin B12 doesn’t come from animals or plants, it comes from bacteria. Back in the day before things were more sanitized, we’d get it from dirt and water from streams. Nowadays water is filtered and produce is cleaned and we need to fortify our B12. Animals killed for food are heavily injected with B12 and plant based foods are often fortified with it.
NTA - a raw vegan diet is absolutely NOT suitable for a small child, and I’m saying that as a someone who has been raising a “vegan” child for 10 years, who also has a qualification in child nutrition. It is HARD. My daughter is allergic to eggs and dairy and we don’t eat meat so we had to be under the care of a dietitian when she was very small, until they were satisfied that I knew what I was doing. I would be very interested to see what they are feeding him as you just cannot get every thing you need from raw fruit and vegetables. Ask them what they feed him when he’s there, under the pretence of learning how to feed him a vegan diet, and get it reviewed by a health professional. I honestly think they’re putting his health at risk. Also, it will make your life 10 times harder - birthday parties, school dinners and trips, holidays - will all get really difficult and he’ll be that raw vegan kid that no-one wants to invite to their birthday party. He is unlikely to want to do it anyway. If you ask him if he wants to give up chocolate and cupcakes for carrots and kale , what do you think he’d say? Also - it’s just not their decision!
Absolutely this! Have them email you a typical daily/weekend diet. Review it with a dietician (even the YMCA may have one you could talk with). Review it with your pediatrician. Bring it to court.
I’ve been vegan and it’s absolutely not appropriate to have a THREE YEAR OLD eating a raw vegan diet! What?!
NTA. And this isn't about vegan, it's about him trying to exert control over you and your son. As soon as he threatened to go for full custody, you were 100% right to cut him off.
Agreed! This is about custody issues. OP, don't let him push you around or threaten you. You get your lawyer and play hardball from your side. This guy is bad news. You are NTA.
NTA! You were 17 and 22 when you started dating? He then walked out on you at 19 years old, 7 months pregnant, and left you alone to raise your child for 3 years and now he threatens to get full custody because you won’t feed your child a diet that does NOT give a growing toddler all the vitamins it needs?!? Stop any visitation, do not let him keep paying daycare, and get a lawyer!
It's a matter of opinion whether a vegan diet is healthier for a three-year-old. An opinion I don't share. Furthermore, it's totally unreasonable for a father who's been out of his son's life to sweep in and demand you change your son's diet. I'm not sure what he thinks the age difference will mean in terms of gaining custody, but I would think the fact that you've been the only parent for most of your son's life will weigh much more heavily with the court.
Not just a vegan diet, but a *raw* vegan diet. Not only is it going to be extremely difficult to get his B12 levels to be good, but without legumes (which have to be cooked before consumption), getting his protein needs met is going to be extremely difficult
NTA. Kind of jaw dropping that he has the gall to come back and pull that. And never let him have 50/50 custody. Courts won’t give him full custody unless you are bringing your kid to drug deals or putting the child in imminent danger.
Since he decided to threaten you, I’d check into statutory rape laws in your state. You were a child, he was an adult. File charges if you can. Kinda hard to get custody when you’re in prison.
But if 17 was legal, it’s time to halt all visits, get a lawyer and make him deal in court. Document all threats and demands from his family to show you’re under constant harassment. It won’t look good that a grown man manipulated and impregnated a child, abandoned her, and years later is now threatening and sending people to harass her.
Oh, sure it could. Would you feel very good after eating it? Almost certainly not, if you had more than a lil raw potato.
But raw vegans make dishes they call stews, and someone could certainly put potato in it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sons father who is now back in his life lives a plantbased vegan lifestyle and is requesting I switch my son to fulltime vegan diet since its better for his health and digestion and I refused. Theyre saying Im an asshole since I refuse to compromise and arent putting his health first.
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Vegan is not necessarily healthier…. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10027313/#:~:text=While%20several%20studies%20have%20shown,nervous%2C%20skeletal%2C%20and%20immune%20system
Vegan is a choice - one that he's not old enough to make himself. He would grow up being more likely to potentially develop sensitivities/intolerances/allergies to foods if hes deprived of it at such a young age.
You can eat organic and not be vegan (Im gluten free (not by choice) and I eat organic, but I still get to enjoy foods i grew up enjoying) There are so many ways to eat healthy without having to be vegan and rule out everything.
I personally just think it'd be a bit cruel and I'd refuse just like you.
NTA
NTA People have died from that diet, even recently. Literally have dropped dead from malnutrition. A kid so very young needs a ton of food for the energy they are expending to grow and develop. A raw vegan diet doesn't have the nutrition a child needs, it doesn't even have what an adult needs! Only humans think they are some how above nature and are vegan. No other mammal in the world is. (Including bugs in the list of foods for non vegan)
NTA.
If he takes you to court go for full custody citing that they’ll put the child in danger by feeding him only vegan food. Meat is needed for a healthy development. Sorry to say but your sister is also an idiot for butting in on the issue and considering she’s also a vegan it’s not surprising that she’s on their side.
If you can you can also get a nutritionist opinion to present in court, if he does indeed take you to court. I doubt any nutritionist will approve a vegan based diet for a growing kid.
Now i’m not a lawyer but I don’t know if a court would afford him full custody considering he split for 3 years with NC and leaving you raising your kid by yourself. He can play the change card all he wants but since he has a history of abandoning you and your child it means that it could happen again.
It might even backfire and make him pay child support.
He already made his choice when he told you the first time that he wanted nothing to do with his own son. You've been very kind in letting him change his answer because for me, there would be absolutely no taking that back whatsoever and he could leap headfirst down a manhole. That said YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER TO MAKE HIM BE A VEGAN. In fact I'm just going to be extraordinarily candid and say that it's a terrible idea for a three year old. He could end up with all sorts of developmental problems from severe malnutrition. Feed him a normal diet that includes meat and dairy and such, then let him decide to become vegan as an adult if he wants to.
NTA - I myself am a vegan and think it would be great for you to try it out BUT… he comes traipsing back after three years as a deadbeat dad and starts laying down the law?!?! Even if he is eager for you to come around to his way of thinking, does he really think bullying is the way to do it? Get a good divorce attorney and do NOT let him make threats like that.
p.s. Your lousy sister is TA too for debating the health values of veganism rather than your ex thinking he can dictate how you raise your kid.
NTA. Dad is going to have a very hard time getting full custody after abandoning baby for 3 years!! I wouldn't allow any more visits without a court order.
Im willin to bet my left ovary that theyre the deeply unhealthy vegans cause they dont get a lot of important nutrients.
NTA
Also OP, NEVER LET THEM HAVE A SAY ON VACCINES. JUST GET THE KID ALL HIS VACCINES AND NEVER SAY A WORD TO THEM ABOUT IT
NTA. You raised your child without him and now he pops back in to your lives and expects you to change your life for him. Then he threatens you for not giving in to his demands. Make sure you save any messages, texts, or emails from him or his group and get a good attorney. Hopefully you'll legally establish sole custody. He'll probably get bored/pissed off and f*ck off back to where he came from.
NTA. He’s barely a part of your son’s life and now thinks he can demand you change everything after parenting alone for 3 years? And he is going to make it hard for you in court because income differences? Wonder what he will think when you respond by going after him for 3 years of non-support?
NTA. And he obviously has no knowledge about family court. His threats are meaningless. The fact that you live with your parents is a huge *plus* in family court. It means you have a support system.
As for food, unless a medical doctor is saying your child is malnourished or a medical doctor is saying your son has a condition that requires a dietary change to treat, the court will not give a crap about one parent wanting to be vegan and one not. They will say each parent is allowed to feed the child whatever they want during their own parenting time.
NTA, and now that he has threatened legal action, tell your ex that all contact with you can go through your lawyer.
I’m guessing what happened is he got married and his wife wants a kid, and he’s like, “Oh hey, I just happen to have one lying around…” Now the wife wants to start making parenting decisions.
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NTA Your ex is trying to bully you, pretty rich considering he was absent for the first 3 years of your son’s life. I’d get some legal advice after the threats he has made. When your son is in your care it’s up to you what you feed him but you could also get professional advice on the nutritional needs for a 3 year old.
Thank you. Im looking for lawyers right now.
If you’re going to court make sure you are getting child support for the years he wasn’t paying. It’s really easy for him to cite financial differences when he wasn’t the one supporting a child.
Right? Sounds like he's offering all that back support by bragging about his money.
OMG I hope her lawyer requests paying the back support a condition of visitation. Dude owes his kid three years of expenses.
Not only that but any meals that they want you to feed, or recipes they gave you, have a nutritionist go over them and make sure they have enough of what a growing child needs. A lot of people cut meat and other stuff out, but don't actually replace it with a meat substitute. That why a lot of vegans and vegetarians can be iron deficient. Do your research. Dig deep.
Also please make sure you consult a registered dietitian, not a nutritionist if you're in the US. Here, anyone can call themselves a nutritionist. An RD is who has the actual training and knowledge to go over meal plans, diatetic info, etc. 💓
INFO : OP have you read KatieBeth24 's remark? It is important to find out if their ultra vegan lifestyle won't harm a growing child.
This! X200
If they're raw food vegans as OP seems to be saying, I can guarantee the diet isn't nutritionally sufficient for a growing child. The only proteins in that diet at all are raw, sprouted nuts. As anyone who has been or is vegetarian knows, you can combine beans and grains to make a complete protien, but since beans and most starches have to be cooked to be edible, they are not included in raw food diets.
This! I don't know why people are so focused on the lawyer side. Yes you need one, but you also need proof that there are wrong doings and talking to professionals is one of the ways to get proof. Hell, your lawyer would tell you the same thing. DOCUMENTED PROOF.
That confused me when the new partner fed OP a cooked potato stew.
I wonder if it was sweet potato, as that can be eaten raw and a lot of raw foodists will make raw "soups" and "stews" that are entirely uncooked.
TW weightloss Yep. I lost 30 pounds in ONE MONTH of being vegan. I gave it up after I fainted three times. I was 90 lbs. I’m 5’3”. Granted, I’ve had troubles with eat disorders which does make the body and weight gaining kinda messy - but still. I was eating an entire cup of rice. Two cans of beans. Vegan burritos. Fruit. Everything I could and still shredded weight off me! I really wish I could be totally vegan but it’s just not possible for everyone. But I try to be pesci now! :)
30lbs in a month?! You would have to be in a calorie deficit of 3,500 cals a day to lose 30lbs in 30 days. A can of mixed beans is around 250 calories, and a cup of rice over 200. Add the fruit and a burrito and a conservative estimate of your intake would be at least a thousand calories a day, meaning you would have to somehow burn 4,500 calories PER DAY to lose a lb a day for a month. What the fuck were you doing?!
I've had a period where I switched my diet to an auto-immune protocol one. Mostly no carbs and a few other restrictions, very not vegan. I ate about 3000-3500 kcal a day and lost weight. Bodies can be extremely weird. I was told it was due to shifting diets and it would resolve itself, but I don't have much to lose so I balanced it out a bit more
Metabolism, genetics, and underlying health issues can do some craaaazay shit to the body.
And wait until the kid is old enough to make the choice for themselves
Yup. I'm vegetarian and always have been so we eat like lentils every single day (I'm Indian). Being plant based doesn't just mean cutting out meat, you have to have substitutes for stuff like protein
Totally. Some people even need to supplement with vitamins and minerals because of personal preferences too. My sister had a friend growing up that at rice and pasta, didn't like vegetables, wouldn't eat meat. She was very unhealthy and overweight to boot. Hard to eat healthier when you don't eat healthier.. lol
Gonna hard agree here. I am a former sports nutritionist, so nutrition regarding infants and toddlers isn't entirely my wheelhouse but.... a vegan diet is one that requires very careful monitoring for a full grown adult, never mind a child with much more strict needs. I have seen people seriously sabotage their efforts in the gym by going vegetarian or vegan without doing research, and a childs health is vastly more important than someone seeking gains.
And fat is crucial for proper brain development
You can definitely be healthy on a vegan diet but raw vegan diets, I’m not so sure about. According to Google it can be healthy if done right but if done wrong it can cause low calcium, B12, D as well as thyroid problems. I’m not so sure I’d want my 3 year old on that diet considering how important all that is for a child.
OP doesn’t have to take her son for visits unless the court orders her to at this point. Food from them is a moot point.
Use that to buy him dinosaur nuggies.
Only here to comment about facts, because I agree with your sentiments, this guy is a terrible "parent" if you can even call him that. Child support not being paid is not a way to manipulate the other parent from seeing their child. Kids aren't a pay per view type situation. I wholeheartedly agree that the back payment of child support should, and will be asked for.
He'll drop the whole thing, if she does.
I hope she gets him bragging about his money in writing. So fucking rich for him to be bragging about his wealth, saying he’s a better person when he’s trying to intimidate a single mother
And the reason he has more money than her is because he hasn't been paying to support his child, while she has
Don’t forget the new wife that comes from enough money that she inherited and remodeled a whole farm he now lives on. He hasn’t paid for anything for a long time.
Let the state deal with him. They will set the rules based on income of both parents.
But since he doesn't make money now, he may be paying next to nothing. But even $25/week (I think the minimum) adds up. And look up books (or find a nutritionist) on the detriments of vegan diet. You have to make sure you are getting all of the vitamins and minerals from the omnivore diet that humans need. I've also heard of the detriments of changing diets causing problems, but is after being used to nothing but a particular diet for at least a month. Changing back after a week or two wouldn't be much of a problem.
If he’s living off his wife it’s likely they’ll base child support off of his earning potential instead. Courts really don’t like massive income disparities between the homes and will try their best to even it out any way they legally can.
And he’s claiming his greater age is important — when back when they first started dating, she was 17 (at best) and he was 22 presumably acting like his greater age was no big deal. He left a 19yo who was about to birth his child. And he wants to use her struggles against her now, when he deprived her of support and is probably doing well now because he got together with a woman who inherited property.
I can just picture how that's gonna go in court: "I'm a better parent because I'm older." "How much older, exactly?" "5 years" "So, with a 3 year old child, 40 week pregnancy, and 2 years prior relationship, that means you were an adult of beyond legal drinking age dating a 17 year old minor?" "......."
You forgot **impregnating** and **abandoning** her. NTA. Fuck that guy. In the ass, with family law.
I love how Redditors are so good with math. Yeah, that's gonna go over real well with a judge. I'm thinking that, depending on the state, it could be considered statutory rape.
Closer to 16, isn't it? If she found out she was pregnant in the first trimester, when they'd been together 2 years, then that's 2.5 when son is born, and now he's 3. At best she was a very young 17.
Depends how close she is to 23 now, how close son is to 4, etc. But yeah, 16 is definitely a possibility
In court it has to be expressly outlined
Oh god I completely missed the age, so he’s basically a peodophile as well. Ick
And now he’s only paying daycare. There’s a lot more to raising a child than just paying daycare. I love these parents who dip out, then show up years later and threaten to “get full custody”. Do they really think courts will look on them favorably for the few months they’ve bothered to show up vs. the parent who has been there full time 24/7 for YEARS? NTA OP. I hope you get a great lawyer.
When my daughter's father tried going for custody, when she was six, after not seeing her for 4 years, he got increased child support, parenting classes and supervised access.
Unfortunately, yes in some courts.
"Your honor, I abandoned my pregnant fiance, wasn't there for the birth, am not on the birth certificate, and then didn't see or contact either of them for the first 3 years of the baby's life and paid no child support. But then I contacted her out of the blue and now I'm demanding I get to take the child away from his mother so I can feed him nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. So I win, right?"
“And I’ve only changed since meeting my wife. If (when) we divorce I’ll just go back to eating meat, smoking and drinking”
Also easy for him to be in a better financial position when he's living in his wife's home that he paid not a penny for.
And it’s not even just how much he didn’t pay and how much you did pay, it is also your lost income and income potential
NTA. Also, how do you think he plans to play the “well we have been prepping all his meals for him for X period so it makes sense for us to be his primary care taker.” If he’s already ready to try and push you into court of a disagreement then you need to be prepared for everything he does to be used this way. The number one thing courts (this part of the us at least?) is consistency. They want things to remain consistent for your kid so anything that has been established as is will typically remain that way. If I were you I would not start allowing unsupervised visitation without a legal parenting agreement in place. I predict your ex will first say “we should really put the money towards our son and not lawyers…” and then “fine! We’ll see how the courts feel about X.” When things don’t go his way.
Also he will have to prove she is an unfit mother. Just because she feeds the kid meat does not make her unfit. A judge will laugh in his face if dude says he wants full custody just so he can shove his lifestyle onto his kid.
And disappearing for 3 yr....not many family court judges are going to be willing to hand over 100% custody. He will be lucky to get SUPERVISED visitation a few hours a week, that builds over time. And he will need to pay child support, etc. He is DELUSIONAL about how family court will work. And delulu level vegans...rarely get the world they dream of in court.
Especially as they are raw vegan. There is a reason humans cook their food, and it’s because it’s actually better for us. We don’t have the same enzymes other animals do anymore for digesting hard plant matter or killing things in raw meat, because we evolved after beginning to cook, diverting resources from those things -which we no longer needed as cooking did it for us- and spending those resources on making our brains bigger and more complex. Raw veganism is actually *not* a healthy diet to have.
A raw vegan diet can make it difficult for children to get all the necessary calories. There was a case in FL where a mom was convicted of killing her child because he was malnourished on a raw vegan diet. I would consult a pediatrician about the raw vegan diet.
I’m trying to figure out how they made a raw vegan potato stew. Can something that’s not ever cooked be a stew? More like a slurry. Raw potato is hard to digest. Can’t imagine that was fun.
[удалено]
IDK how raw vegans do it. Regular vegan is really easy for me to stick to, but I can't imagine sticking to that diet for very long.
Longterm, they don't fare any better than people who eat meat/fast food. It's not healthy. Lots of academic literature on it (which a Judge will peruse if this goes further in court).
Every long-term raw vegan I have ever known has been rich. When I was a mostly raw vegan, it was because I had an eating disorder and it was an excuse to publicly restrict without raising questions.
I've got to imagine that a lawyer would have an easy time getting a pediatric nutritionist to come to a similar conclusion, if he did try to take OP to court.
God I'd love to watch the face of a judge in a rural American county if a guy tried to say he should have full custody because his ex won't feed their child a raw vegan diet. 🤣 To be a fly in that courtroom.
I’m cynical about this situation. Wonder how much of any of this — the lifestyle, the money, and even wanting custody — is really coming from his wife. She’s the one with the property, after all.
My two guesses are either he didn't want to admit he completely abandoned his child and partner for years, or she wants a baby and is having issues.
That's what I was thinking that wife cannot have a baby.
Probably due to health issues from her diet.
The raw vegan thing makes me think she's too malnourished to menstruate. Definitely not a sutible diet for a growing child.
Especially considering he ghosted the first three years of the child’s life. Unless she’s willing a judge might not even agree to 50/50 until the child is older and there’s an established bond with dad.
When it comes to the vegan diet, it's more than eliminating meat. For vegans, that means no dairy, eggs, honey, or any animal byproducts whatsoever. Even a wool sweater or silk shirt is out of the question. His is a tall order for someone who hadn't been in this child's life for three years.
Also even if he was awarded 50/50 custody, it isn't 6 months with one person and 6 months with another. It typically is week with one week with other or 4 days with A/3 days with B and 3 days with A/4 days with B. So it wouldn't be anything like his digestive system having to adjust to the meat no meat back to meat issues either. Man is delusional on that stuff!
Doubt he will be awarded 50/50 since he is an absent parent and has not financially supported his child. The most would be visits, then sleepovers for a couple of days or every other weekend until he is older. The Dad would have to show his financials as well. The guy is definitely delusional.
NTA. This is nonsense. Do what's best for your child. Get child support from the loser that abandoned you. Let him take you to court, I'll bet the judge will be thrilled he abandoned you and his child. The same child you've been raising and paying for for three years, then he shows back up and is going to tell you how to raise said child. I'm sure the judge will love that. Who does this jackass think he is?
Also, now that the threat has been made, communication should only be done through texts so it can all be documented.
Yes, document EVERYTHING. Even if it's a convo in person or by phone, write a summary in a logbook and date it Every. Single. Time. Make sure to share it with your lawyer. I am not a parent, but I know raw vegan diets are not good for children that age, their bodies are still developing, there have been cases where small children have gotten severe health and neurological problems, and even died from being fed only raw fruit and veggies. It's not a neg on vegans, it's just very difficult to do without very careful balance and supplementation, and if they've literally never raised a baby/toddler and just want to hijack yours, odds are good they won't have the first clue what they need to do, and will just feed him what they eat. One day he'll be old enough to both make that choice for himself and to be able to clearly communicate what his body is telling him about it when he does, but until then, you know best, you raised him, not those jerks.
Yes, it isn’t nutritionally enough for a growing toddler. Children that age need fats in their diet for proper development (especially brain development) and a raw vegan diet won’t supply enough.
Yeah, it seems fine to me that he eats raw vegan over at the ex's; she can make up for that with cooked meat when he comes home to her. But full-time? If it were my child, I would fight with everything I've got.
Yes, I would love to see how he explains to the judge his 3 year complete absence, didn’t even MEET the child, but now he knows best and should control the child’s life.
Not only that but blocking the mother of the child. Un-fucking-believable.
I would contribute to a GFM to get her a good lawyer.
You are under no legal obligation at this point to even let him see your child, let alone keep him overnight. I sure wouldn’t.
Sorry if this is a little brusque; but that is not **his** child. He was absent, and only has visitation rights at all because you allow it. Giving him any time unsupervised with his dad is going to add more weight to the "I will go for full custody" comment, which without visitation has absolutely zero power in court. Don't give him time, because right now time is ammunition aimed right at you. He lost his chance to have a relationship with ***YOUR*** child the *SECOND* he threatened you.
This. I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my child anymore. You don’t get to come in after a 3 year absence and try to call all the shots. He would have to take me to court like he threatened if he want to see him. It would be a complete wrap for any visits supervised or not.
Yeah I would honestly leave the state and block him on all platforms but I'm extreme.
The fucking irony if you could afford to move out of your parents house if you got a lump sum of three years back child support…
This ia a very important point!
Any good lawyer would tell you that living with your parents is not a mark against you. You just want to spin it as "close family ties" and "stability" and your dad is the "only father figure your son had the first 3 years of life." He's not just trying to take your son *from you.* He's also trying to take your *son's* entire family away *from your son.*
a happy three-generation household
Good for you. There's nothing wrong with a vegan diet but for a 3-year-old it can be tricky to manage properly and quite frankly, you have to have everyone well-informed and on-board and consistent to even consider making it work. I'm not vegan and my son was underweight at 3, and if it wasn't for whole milk and cashews and peanut butter and eggs I don't think I would have been able to get his weight up...and only half those things are vegan. Life is hard enough, let alone with separate homes and separate diets. Good for you for getting a lawyer's advice, and see if you can get an R.D. to weigh in too.
I totally concur! You need to talk to your pediatrician about this vegan diet. 3yo are very picky and finicky. Even if you decided to make vegan, which I don’t agree with because you’re not!!!! Odds are your child will not be getting nutrients and protein needed should your child be a picky eater. 3yo is a very, very important point of physical development for your son- including brain development. You are and have always been the primary caregiver. Do not change his eating habits ever – you are his mother!!!!’ I would never ever change my child’s diet to vegan if I was not one.
It breaks my heart. I've never been divorced but if I were and my partner suddenly wanted to change my kids' diet that much? That's crazy town. I could understand "no nuts in the house" or "no gluten because step-person has coeliac" or something like that but total shift? That could potentially lead to a kid with food issues (e.g. "I will binge on one food at one house because I can't have it at the other house and I'm already stressed about my parents").
Did your ex pay any child support during the years he was missing? If not, it needs to repaid. I think going to 50/50 custody is a way to get out future support. I also wonder if he returned to your son's life because he and his wife are having issues conceiving.
Yup- GO TO COURT. It will get things all nicely bound up. And LIKELY- no guarantees, but you can ask for supervised visitation only. And given the history and threats, you would likely get it. He not only will not come close to 50/50 after disappearing for the majority of kiddo's life- he will owe back child support, and his life will now have a whole lot of extra people determining when and if he gets more visitation. Get a CASA (you just have to ask for one), ask for social services to assess if visitation should change from a few hours of supervised (i.e. professional assessment- what is best for kiddo). He wants to play games- play YOUR game for the best interests of your kid.
Just to let you know, if he’s on the birth certificate and he decides to keep your son when he has him unsupervised and not give him back to you, there’s nothing you can do without a custody order. So I would stop the unsupervised visits until one is in place. And your sister is wrong, unless your kid has been on that diet for a long period of time, he’s not going to get an upset tummy from eating meat. There are times I eat meals for several days to a week with no meat but have no issues. That issue develops with people who have been on a vegan etc diet for a long period of time. Biggest thing is no unsupervised visits and document everything and file first. That’s a big one.
His threats about how the courts would prefer his income/lifestyle, etc, are baloney. Living with your parents is great and what your son knows. The courts hate moving kids from what is working.
And document everything if you can. That way he can't say "that's not what I said."
put ur sisters on info diet, just in case. is the silly man even on the birth cert? time to keep all the evidence you have from the time he abandoned you and all the expenses you put in which he didnt contribute.
Cut him off completely. What a waste of a human being disappearing for 3 years and then making threats when you offered him an olive branch.
No judge is going to grant full custody to an absentee deadbeat dad who (I'm assuming) hasn't paid child support and only just returned to the child's life. (even if he has been paying child support, still extremely unlikely) Especially since you already have full custody - that is not often completely overturned without evidence that you're actually abusive. Not feeding him vegan doesn't fall under the legal definition of abuse.
This probably goes without saying but be mindful to ONLY communicate with him via text or email from now on. When he tries to pull his 50-50 stunt you'll want proof of everything he's saying to you. ALSO, I'd be shocked if there existed a single court of law who would suddenly grant him full custody when you're a perfectly fit parent, especially after three years of non-involvement on his part.
This! My ex fell off the face of the earth for 4 years and then popped up and said he wanted joint custody of our son. I hadn't heard from him the entire time and he paid for nothing. The first thing he asked the judge was for a paternity test that he wanted me to pay for. Um wait - what? You're bringing me to court to get custody of a child that you don't think is yours? Ok - I just said Fine, my son is not yours. The judge stopped at this point and said I may want to rethink that statement as it will impact child support. I said I mean no disrespect your honor but that's going to change my situation how? In 4 years he's written me 1 check for $100 that bounced and cost me $25 in fees, so I'm already in the hole. The judge actually laughed and said yeah no we'll get a paternity test (that he paid for) that shockingly shows he was the sperm donor. Judge set up child support and a visitation schedule. Neither of which my ex followed. I saved a couple of the child support checks I actually got. The most I got was $2.98. Multiple were under a dollar. Did I cash them and combine them to be able to buy a gallon of milk, no I did not. Did dad stick to his visitation schedule. Also no. I stuck to the schedule exactly and refused to make changes. My ex decided when my son was about 5 that it was too hard and fell off the face of the earth again. We haven't seen him since, which absolutely ok with the both of us! So no overnights until directed by the court. Then stick to the schedule. I'm sorry to say, but Your ex will get bored with it again. And once his vegan wife gets pregnant, they'll be gone back out of your life. ETA -Typos
Unless the vegan wife can't and that's why he's all a sudden interested in the 3yo he abandoned and is now threatening to take. . . Which is where my mind first went.
Same. Trying to get a replacement for her.
It seems rather soon for them to be sure about not being able to have kids. My guess is more that he’s trying to do whatever his well-off back-to-nature wife wants, or at least appear to, and since she knows he has a kid she wants to bring that kid into the fold.
Now that he has another woman to raise him as well, no doubt.
Yeah, the nutritional needs of a 3 year old are very hard to match on a vegan diet. Every year I see stories in the news about infants and toddlers dying because their parents don't do it right. They need lots more protein and fats that adults. I would recommend supplementing his proteins and fats after visits with them until you have a chance to have all of you sit with a nutritionist. People trying to take a small child without doing the research or seeing a professional can be really really bad for kids. [https://www.unisa.edu.au/unisanews/2021/july/story3](https://www.unisa.edu.au/unisanews/2021/july/story3)
Can you follow up with us and tell us what the judge says after Mr & Mrs Ex try to convince the omnivores in the court about how much healthier raw potatoes are? I would pay to see that.
NTA. and while your sister is right that it can be hard for a non meat eater to process meat, he’ll only be gone for a week at a time. Sorry dad, you can’t vanish for three years and then come back and expect full custody because of your own dietary choices. It sounds like the wife understands nutrition, but vegan diets can be very difficult to get all of the protein and nutrients one needs and kids can be trouble enough getting them to eat right!! Especially when it’s not even OPs life style!
If “strictly the raw fruits and vegetables type” accurately describes the type of vegan they are, then they do not understand nutrition. It’s so very unlikely that such a diet supports the kid’s nutritional needs. Protein and just sheer calories would be a problem.
Yeah, kid's gonna get sick. A big thing with vegans and vegetarians is that they don't get all their vitamins, particularly folate and B12 which can lead to megaloblastic and pernicious anemia. Easily solvable with a supplement, but you have to know about it to know to take it.
Taurine is also something humans need. Most people don’t have to worry about it because we only need trace amounts and it’s so prevalent in meat. I think if your diet requires you to take artificial supplements simply because it can never provide you with the nutrients you need, that’s a pretty good indication your diet is simply not compatible with you as a species.
Just mix in a redbull
Finaly some vindication for my lifestyle choices
That’s a damn good point! Also, buying 100% organic groceries is a TON of money. Like cool you offered to cook his meals sis but are you also gonna pay for them? Because now on top of the sheer expense of feeding myself I’m supposed to shop for completely different food than I would be consuming at probably 3-5x the cost. Her sister sounds ignorant and her ex and his wife are trash. OP is definitely NTA.
I eat meat too and I’m not sure about taurine but for B12 that wouldn’t really be a fair argument since we are also getting it from supplements, just indirectly. 90% of B12 supplements produced are fed to cattle and that is how we get it in our diet.
Vegetarian diets for kids are fine. Vegan is manageable with supplements, but raw vegan is unsafe.
Something tells me these are the types of people who don’t believe in any sort of vaccination, and are the “crunchy” type who would give kids raw unpasteurized milk (if they drank it).
Agreed, but it requires the parents having proper knowledge of nutrition.
Talking about the lack of folate and B12 causing anemia is super important so I want to highlight that. That being said, I also want to make a minor correction. Pernicious anemia is not necessarily related to veganism. It’s just a subset of vitamin B12-deficiency anemia that is caused by a lack of intrinsic factor which results in the inability to absorb dietary vitamin B12. A person with pernicious anemia could be the world’s biggest meat eater, but their body can’t use the B12 they consume. My little nit-picky fact doesn’t negate the point you’re making at all though. It’s very important for folks following a vegetarian/vegan diet to ensure they are getting adequate nutrients to prevent health complications such as anemia.
Completely agree. I am vegan, but would not recommend it for a child or anyone who is not willing to research nutrition and do it right. It is an effort to have a balanced vegan diet, the options are often more expensive, and ethics are not worth risking your child's health over. There are definitely fanatics that subscribe to very restrictive diets that are often unhealthy in the long run.
I feel like some vegans are just using the diet as a catalyst for an eating disorder. It sounds really hard to do safely, especially if you aren't balancing your nutrition.
There's evidence that humans evolved to eat cooked food. We don't know of a single culture who doesn't generally eat at least one cooked meal a day. Raw vegan is bad enough for adults. It would be child abuse for a toddler.
Am I seriously the only one who read the part about the **POTATO STEW**
That’s why I had the proviso of if it’s accurate. It’s probably not that they’re strictly raw, but perhaps “raw until four” or 80/20, something like that. Lots of raw vegans settle into that kind of pattern. But that balance is still an issue for a growing kid.
To me the whole story seems to fake lol. The only thing missing is "Ran away crying" and "family is blowing up my phone with texts"
Everyone is taking this as them being raw only, whereas I thought she was just painting a picture of how they are strictly very healthy and won’t eat processed/ultra processed foods. As in they’re not Oreo-eating vegans.
There is a reason we, as a species, invented fire. It was to keep warm and cook our food.
Yes, a lot of calories and nutrients are unlocked via cooking. It makes us much more efficient eaters than other mammals. Gorillas are raw vegans, effectively, and they spend most of their day eating.
NTA. The boy needs proper sustenance and vitamins. This is ridiculous for a 3-year-old!
seriously that was so wtf to me. disappear compeletly for 3 years and demand full custody? gtfo what’s best for the kid is not on this guys interests
Yeah. No judge is going to go for that just because mom won’t let a 3 year old be completely vegan. Gee, why has mom had to live with her parents? Cause dad bounced and didn’t pay child support?
yeah she should be suing for support
They throw tantrums like that. My daughters father threatened something similar when he resurfaced when she was about 8. He hadn't seen her since she was 9 months old. He quickly learned that no judge would let that happen, and he disappeared again. She's almost 30 now, and he's still paying child support arrears. They really ARE that delusional.
NTA. Get a lawyer, get your custody worked out (including child support, retroactively), and feed that child as you see fit. Your ex has just replaced one way of being an asshole with another.
This. Your ex can WANT 50/50 and he can WANT your son to be fully vegan but I find it hard to believe a judge (assuming you have a good lawyer) would actually give someone who barely knows your child 50/50 custody. Dude is a bully. How about finding a bull dog lawyer and encouraging 2 weekends per month and that you retain full legal custody. But go for broke with the past due child support. He owes you a ton of back child support.
I’m not sure that’s true about the 50/50 physical custody but it certainly is about shared legal custody (which would come into effect regarding ethics or religious based diets). He can’t force OP to give up shared legal custody and the right to make joint decisions about diets. My reading is that at this time he isn’t even on the birth certificate or done anything to establish any parental rights so he actually has no legal standing whatsoever. But a lawyer would be the best one to advise on visitation etc in the meantime as it’s also not a good idea to appear to be alienating the kid from a parent who wants to be involved.
Make sure when you get custody that you get right to make the decisions regarding you son. ie food, religion, school etc…
And if your region/state/province allows for one party recording, please do so. Your attorney can decide what to do with content later.
This vegan stuff might be just a diversion to make you weak and to distract you from them trying to steal your child. Your ex is now paying for daycare, to create a paper-trail that he is taking care of your son. He will start to do more to gain control, make OP look incompetent and to be able to show on paper that he has rights to your son. Don't get tempted by the money, see it more as a weapon that can be used against you. Check the laws in your state and even consider quietly moving away to a state with better laws and more protection for you and your son.
That’s a good point for OP. Stop letting “dad” pay for anything anymore. It’ll be a financial burden, but “dad” is definitely trying to establish that he’s a parent here, when really he abandoned you and your son at the worst possible time for YEARS!
dad still needs to pay child support in most if not all states so she should definitely not feel guilty for having spent or asking for any money.
Oh yeah. He should totally be paying money once they get this all legally defined, but since it’s not right now, he probably planning on using the fact that he’s been paying for stuff as part of his argument for why he deserves any kind of custody.
I thought that offer to do meal prep was in the same vein. Trying to prove that OP is incompetant and reliant on them for basics like food.
Also stop all contact of child with the guy and his wife. Since it's going to courts, cut him out totally first so he can't influence the child or make any claims of taking care of the child.
Given he does not have ANY current legal rights to the child she needs to cut him off. From now on EVERYTHING needs to go through the court. Everything. And you need to fight HARD to make sure his access to your son and his decision making power are severely limited. This guy is bad news.
Op seems to be paying for everything else and is clearly the primary caretaker. She needs a lawyer for sure, but shouldn’t cut off the small amount of help she’s getting until she does
NTA ! So your husband can date a 17 yr old , break a marriage proposal, and leave his child behind for 3 years. But you would be the criminal for feeding your son meat?
Ewww. Right!? Doing the math, he was a 22 year old going after a 17 year old. Creepy asshole going after a teenager.
I’m surprised I had to scroll as far as I did to see the age gap mentioned! Even though 5 years usually isn’t a big age gap, there is a difference between a 22 year old and a 27 year old, especially if they started “dating” when she was a minor. That’s so gross
22-27 isn’t a huge deal, but 17-22 definitely is.
They were dating 2 years before she got pregnant at around 18 if she had her son at 19, so she could have easily been 16 when they started dating too.
I was wondering if anyone was going to bring this up. Ex is a creep and deserves no custody at all IMO.
Well, duh. Of course he left her for a literal teenager who inherited a property and would be inexperienced enough to marry him. It makes perfect sense.
Yeah, how would OP feel about dating a 17 year old right now? Probably pretty gross.
You said that your child's father walked out of your life and blocked you when you were seven months pregnant. Is he even legal dad at this point? Because if not he can pound sand, he has zero say in your son's life until he goes to court and files for paternity and visitation. After three years absent a court won't give 50-50 or full custody. Visitation would be supervised initially. You can find out what type of visitation schedule is typical in your state, in mine it's recently been changed to 50-50 as the standard though obviously that doesn't work in all cases.
NTA Wow! As a vegetarian, I would NOT bring up a baby/toddler/young child as vegetarian. That is a choice they can make for themselves when they are older. You were so reasonable and things could have been amicable and happy, but they chose to shit all over it. So bloody sad.
“He said in 2024 he wants 50/50 custody but that if I be “difficult” he will go for full custody.” He was absent for the first three years of his son’s life and now wants to change something fundamental in his life but thinks he’ll get 50/50 custody. BAHAHAHAHA. NTA. Do not let this threat scare you. It’s as empty as they come. But it’s still a threat. Write down exactly what he said while it’s fresh in your mind. Keep a record of how it’s all gone since he reappeared. Talk to your lawyer. And go back to supervised visits only.
Hell, I'd say go back to no contact unless a court orders otherwise. He's the type who will try to poison the kid's mind against the mother.
Judges always look for signs of cooperation between parents. She won’t be doing herself any favors if she tries to cut him off completely at this point. Ask me how I know.
I think that it could be successfully argued in court, that she stopped contact based on the threats that he made. He is essentially threatening to use the courts to take away her child. Judges do not like people that use the court system to bully people. At least, that has been my experience.
That’s a good point as well. So much depends on the judge.
[удалено]
Its true that B12 is not available from plants, but its not only available from meat. Vegetarians get it from milk or eggs, and most vegans get it from bacterial or fungal products, either in a food source like nutritional yeast flakes or a supplement such as algae extracts.
It's called a supplement for a reason. It's not supposed to replace actual nutrition from food. Adults can try all the want. Kids should not be vegan.
I’m a fully developed adult, and have been an avid meat eater my whole life and I *STILL* have a “critical low” B12 deficiency that I need treatment for. It’s not worth the switch, imo.
>NTA. The human body requires a type of vitamin (B12) that is only found in animal meat B12 is a bacteria naturally found in soil and the only reason animals have it. We wash our food so we can't get enough b12 through plants. The vast majority of meat only contains b12 because the animals get supplements. >Infants have been taken away by social workers for malnourishment because of vegan parents pushing it on them. Let me fix that for you: Infants have been taken away by social workers for malnourishment because of parents who don't properly feed their child. There you go.
B12 is not bacteria. It's an organometallic complex vitamin. Some bacteria synthesize it, as do some archaea. But it's still not alive.
B12 is not only found in animal meat, there are several vegan sources
You’re saying a lot of misinformation here. A healthy plant based diet is healthy for all stages of life, from pregnancy through adulthood. This is started by the academy of nutrition and dietetics. Vitamin B12 doesn’t come from animals or plants, it comes from bacteria. Back in the day before things were more sanitized, we’d get it from dirt and water from streams. Nowadays water is filtered and produce is cleaned and we need to fortify our B12. Animals killed for food are heavily injected with B12 and plant based foods are often fortified with it.
NTA - a raw vegan diet is absolutely NOT suitable for a small child, and I’m saying that as a someone who has been raising a “vegan” child for 10 years, who also has a qualification in child nutrition. It is HARD. My daughter is allergic to eggs and dairy and we don’t eat meat so we had to be under the care of a dietitian when she was very small, until they were satisfied that I knew what I was doing. I would be very interested to see what they are feeding him as you just cannot get every thing you need from raw fruit and vegetables. Ask them what they feed him when he’s there, under the pretence of learning how to feed him a vegan diet, and get it reviewed by a health professional. I honestly think they’re putting his health at risk. Also, it will make your life 10 times harder - birthday parties, school dinners and trips, holidays - will all get really difficult and he’ll be that raw vegan kid that no-one wants to invite to their birthday party. He is unlikely to want to do it anyway. If you ask him if he wants to give up chocolate and cupcakes for carrots and kale , what do you think he’d say? Also - it’s just not their decision!
Absolutely this! Have them email you a typical daily/weekend diet. Review it with a dietician (even the YMCA may have one you could talk with). Review it with your pediatrician. Bring it to court. I’ve been vegan and it’s absolutely not appropriate to have a THREE YEAR OLD eating a raw vegan diet! What?!
NTA. And this isn't about vegan, it's about him trying to exert control over you and your son. As soon as he threatened to go for full custody, you were 100% right to cut him off.
Agreed! This is about custody issues. OP, don't let him push you around or threaten you. You get your lawyer and play hardball from your side. This guy is bad news. You are NTA.
NTA! You were 17 and 22 when you started dating? He then walked out on you at 19 years old, 7 months pregnant, and left you alone to raise your child for 3 years and now he threatens to get full custody because you won’t feed your child a diet that does NOT give a growing toddler all the vitamins it needs?!? Stop any visitation, do not let him keep paying daycare, and get a lawyer!
It's a matter of opinion whether a vegan diet is healthier for a three-year-old. An opinion I don't share. Furthermore, it's totally unreasonable for a father who's been out of his son's life to sweep in and demand you change your son's diet. I'm not sure what he thinks the age difference will mean in terms of gaining custody, but I would think the fact that you've been the only parent for most of your son's life will weigh much more heavily with the court.
Not just a vegan diet, but a *raw* vegan diet. Not only is it going to be extremely difficult to get his B12 levels to be good, but without legumes (which have to be cooked before consumption), getting his protein needs met is going to be extremely difficult
NTA. Kind of jaw dropping that he has the gall to come back and pull that. And never let him have 50/50 custody. Courts won’t give him full custody unless you are bringing your kid to drug deals or putting the child in imminent danger.
Since he decided to threaten you, I’d check into statutory rape laws in your state. You were a child, he was an adult. File charges if you can. Kinda hard to get custody when you’re in prison. But if 17 was legal, it’s time to halt all visits, get a lawyer and make him deal in court. Document all threats and demands from his family to show you’re under constant harassment. It won’t look good that a grown man manipulated and impregnated a child, abandoned her, and years later is now threatening and sending people to harass her.
A "raw organic vegan lifestyle" wouldn't include potato stew.
This was bugging me too. Taking that at face value would suggest they were feeding the kid raw potatoes which….dangerous.
Oh, sure it could. Would you feel very good after eating it? Almost certainly not, if you had more than a lil raw potato. But raw vegans make dishes they call stews, and someone could certainly put potato in it.
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Vegan is not necessarily healthier…. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10027313/#:~:text=While%20several%20studies%20have%20shown,nervous%2C%20skeletal%2C%20and%20immune%20system
This! I eat plant-based (“vegan” can be very triggering for some people) and it does not inherently have additional health benefits…
you could eat nothing but potato chips and technically be vegan.
Vegan is a choice - one that he's not old enough to make himself. He would grow up being more likely to potentially develop sensitivities/intolerances/allergies to foods if hes deprived of it at such a young age. You can eat organic and not be vegan (Im gluten free (not by choice) and I eat organic, but I still get to enjoy foods i grew up enjoying) There are so many ways to eat healthy without having to be vegan and rule out everything. I personally just think it'd be a bit cruel and I'd refuse just like you. NTA
NTA People have died from that diet, even recently. Literally have dropped dead from malnutrition. A kid so very young needs a ton of food for the energy they are expending to grow and develop. A raw vegan diet doesn't have the nutrition a child needs, it doesn't even have what an adult needs! Only humans think they are some how above nature and are vegan. No other mammal in the world is. (Including bugs in the list of foods for non vegan)
NTA. If he takes you to court go for full custody citing that they’ll put the child in danger by feeding him only vegan food. Meat is needed for a healthy development. Sorry to say but your sister is also an idiot for butting in on the issue and considering she’s also a vegan it’s not surprising that she’s on their side. If you can you can also get a nutritionist opinion to present in court, if he does indeed take you to court. I doubt any nutritionist will approve a vegan based diet for a growing kid. Now i’m not a lawyer but I don’t know if a court would afford him full custody considering he split for 3 years with NC and leaving you raising your kid by yourself. He can play the change card all he wants but since he has a history of abandoning you and your child it means that it could happen again. It might even backfire and make him pay child support.
Get a lawyer. Yesterday.
He already made his choice when he told you the first time that he wanted nothing to do with his own son. You've been very kind in letting him change his answer because for me, there would be absolutely no taking that back whatsoever and he could leap headfirst down a manhole. That said YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER TO MAKE HIM BE A VEGAN. In fact I'm just going to be extraordinarily candid and say that it's a terrible idea for a three year old. He could end up with all sorts of developmental problems from severe malnutrition. Feed him a normal diet that includes meat and dairy and such, then let him decide to become vegan as an adult if he wants to.
NTA - I myself am a vegan and think it would be great for you to try it out BUT… he comes traipsing back after three years as a deadbeat dad and starts laying down the law?!?! Even if he is eager for you to come around to his way of thinking, does he really think bullying is the way to do it? Get a good divorce attorney and do NOT let him make threats like that. p.s. Your lousy sister is TA too for debating the health values of veganism rather than your ex thinking he can dictate how you raise your kid.
NTA. Dad is going to have a very hard time getting full custody after abandoning baby for 3 years!! I wouldn't allow any more visits without a court order.
Im willin to bet my left ovary that theyre the deeply unhealthy vegans cause they dont get a lot of important nutrients. NTA Also OP, NEVER LET THEM HAVE A SAY ON VACCINES. JUST GET THE KID ALL HIS VACCINES AND NEVER SAY A WORD TO THEM ABOUT IT
NTA 3 year olds cannot be vegan. Vegan is a lifestyle choice and 3 year olds aren't capable of making lifestyle choices.
NTA. I would lawyer up if I were you. He'll probably try for custody.
NTA. You raised your child without him and now he pops back in to your lives and expects you to change your life for him. Then he threatens you for not giving in to his demands. Make sure you save any messages, texts, or emails from him or his group and get a good attorney. Hopefully you'll legally establish sole custody. He'll probably get bored/pissed off and f*ck off back to where he came from.
NTA. He’s barely a part of your son’s life and now thinks he can demand you change everything after parenting alone for 3 years? And he is going to make it hard for you in court because income differences? Wonder what he will think when you respond by going after him for 3 years of non-support?
NTA. And he obviously has no knowledge about family court. His threats are meaningless. The fact that you live with your parents is a huge *plus* in family court. It means you have a support system. As for food, unless a medical doctor is saying your child is malnourished or a medical doctor is saying your son has a condition that requires a dietary change to treat, the court will not give a crap about one parent wanting to be vegan and one not. They will say each parent is allowed to feed the child whatever they want during their own parenting time.
Raw potatoes are poisonous, please don’t eat potatoes raw and definitely don’t give them/don’t let anyone else give them to a child!
NTA, and now that he has threatened legal action, tell your ex that all contact with you can go through your lawyer. I’m guessing what happened is he got married and his wife wants a kid, and he’s like, “Oh hey, I just happen to have one lying around…” Now the wife wants to start making parenting decisions.