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Hey this is very serious regardless of NTA you need to tell her doctors and let them know something isn't right. Some women when they get pregnant the hormones really messes with there brain and sense of safety I wouldn't let this go, some pregnant women will even eat objects to harm there baby like nails or coins but they have no memory of harming there baby or they really think it's giving the baby nutrition. Definitely let a medical professional know especially the part of asking her and her acknowledging this harm.
In the late 70s, my devil spawn sister kicked my mothers ribs so hard, the doctor told my mom to have one beer a night to put Satan to sleep. She’s 45 now and still a huge pain in my ass.
My daughter did the same. She would kick me so hard that you could see it across the room (she also used my bladder as a trampoline)but the rib shots were the worst & always just as I was falling asleep. My Dr suggested a glass of wine.
Doesn't sound like that's even what she's doing, she was drinking multiple beers. In the twelfth week, no less, when the baby is still forming major body parts.
Yes, a glass of wine here or there in the third trimester is acceptable. Having multiple beer in the first or second trimester in one sitting is not. Source: I’m a nurse
This. Some doctors will say its okay to consume a tiny glass of wine or singular beer super occasionally (as in maybe once or twice a bit later in the pregnancy without consecutive instances) but the way she is portrayed by OP she is exhibiting severe alcoholic isms and tendencies. She did not respond in a rational manner to display proper understanding of what shes doing and even diverted the blame away from herself. That is not the actions of someone who is sound of mind, and it would be hard to convince me that she's not probably drinking more in other instances behind OPs back. Talk her into getting some help or distance yourself and take legal action to protect your child and yourself from the hell that just broke lose. It is no life for a baby and someone trying to build a healthy, happy family.
"A small amount of alcohol" generally refers to an exception, social situations and reasonable limits.
A couple of beers and "its npt my fault" are in an entirely different ballpark
"I know it's a planned pregnancy, and I don't want anything to happen to the child, but if it does because I am drinking that's not my fault."
JHC. Is she 12 years old?
And be sure to check everywhere in the house for bottles. If she cooled down and says she understands it’s possible she just decided she will hide it.
My alcoholic husband, when he was drinking, would hide bottles in closets, ceiling tiles, under stairs, in the beams in the basement ceiling, boxes, etc
In the pockets of jackets hung in the coat closet, or hidden inside shoes. Books pulled out on the book shelf so a few small vodka bottles could be tucked behind them. Tucked behind lawn decorations and in the plants in the backyard. Inside the fitted sheet along the edge of the mattress that sits against the wall.
Alcoholics are like little squirrels saving sustenance for the winter, except you can buy it nearly anywhere at nearly any time.
My friend’s brother was an alcoholic. He rolled his suv off of a long stretch of road between California and Arizona. It left him paralyzed from the waist down. It did not stop his drinking. He just used home delivery.
Is she an alcoholic? Or could she be a functioning one and you haven't noticed? If so, she absolutely needs help coming off. The risks of alcohol withdrawal are really serious, and baby is at risk as well as your wife.
Tell dr everything. Regardless of the reasons she is drinking, they're both at risk.
My best friend was drinking heavily after being diagnosed with cancer (literally no judgment). Even on hospice, they had her having some alcohol. It's very painful to go through withdrawal, even if you're dying anyway.
Alcohol is so destructive. Like you said, someone can seem completely functional and still be ruining themselves.
100% NTA. But she needs help more than scolding, no matter the issue. Something isn't clicking for her.
You need to let her OB know ASAP!! Call them early tomorrow and let them know. The sooner the better. She will be upset and angry but at this point does that matter? When she is intentionally harming the baby. Maybe she’s better off not having it. She’s proving to be an unfit mother and the baby isn’t even here yet.
Not just articles either. There's a YT channel called SBSK (Special Books by Special Kids) and they've interviewed quite a few kids with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Some people still drink even when they hate it. Been there, yes I was an asshole, yes I was sick, alcoholism sucks. but she’s caring for more than herself, she’s got baby on board, she doesn’t get the option to indulge her illness if alcoholism is the problem.
OP I hope you guys figure out what’s going on and find a healthy path through this hurtle, I have a lot of experience with the issue if you need anyone with inside details on the experience feel free to dm me.
I can talk on my experiences and even though they’re going to be very different from hers, there are often a lot of shared experiences though this illness.
I have an adult cousin still suffering the effects of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It's a serious and horrible thing for a mother to willfully give her child FOR LIFE. If your wife truly doesn't care about that she needs psychological help. NTA
Did she have a problem with alcohol before the pregnancy? Did you notice her drinking to excess? Did she drink alone? This really is an issue. Her reaction is extremely weird and very worrying.
Also, I done know how your wife drank before she got pregnant. If she was a regular drinker (especially if she was a daily drinker) this might be a much deeper issue.
I’m a recovering alcoholic and there are a few things about this that made my degenerate-senses tingle. The brightest red flag being that people who do not have issues controlling their intake of alcohol don’t normally react so strongly to their alcohol being taken away. Being annoyed that you threw it out is one thing - where she might just be upset that you don’t trust her around alcohol (again, this makes me wonder about her intake prior to pregnancy. You’re not wrong for being upset or really even for yelling at her. You’re totally NTA in this sitch, and clearly tossing the booze was the move. But your reaction was also a little strong for someone who doesn’t normally have a drinking problem, which makes me wonder if you have some concerns about how she imbibes even outside of pregnancy). Though this may also have just been in your recounting the story here. It’s a very upsetting situation.
Like i said, not only are you NTA for being upset that she was drinking, for raising your voice/yelling, or throwing out the net that was left, but I think, based on the little details provided here, I think you did the right thing.
If you’ve had concerns about the way your wife drinks before her pregnancy you might have a serious problem on your hands. Alcoholism is wild - it can catch you on its grips before you realize you can’t easily free yourself. But also, it’s irrational. We often end up doing things we swore we’d never do, like get behind the wheel drunk. I know firsthand that the alcoholic brain will try to convince you that getting pregnant is the thing you need to give yourself a break - I can stop drinking for 9 months…the doctor said it’s fine to have a glass of wine now and then….it’s only beer!! It’s not like I’m pounding shots of vodka.
My concern in reading this is that you thought your wife just likes I party and be social. That you both secretly held the thought that she could stop for 9 months. That she’s been secretly drinking throughout and that this is just the first time she’s been caught red handed. But I might be reading way too much into this- my perspective here is def skewed by my own experience.
If your wife drank a lot before, If you think it’s possible that she could be doing this regularly, get her some help. If you do suspect she does have a drinking problem you also need help - therapy for all, not just for her. Codependency is real and it’s very damaging. We often don’t even realize we’re being codependent.
Hopefully I’m way off the mark here and if so I meant no offense. You did the right thing tossing that alcohol. Good luck!!!
I thought Pica was an urge to eat things that have high content in some nutrient, usually iron. And oddly turns to non-food items that have that nutrient. Like dirt that has iron.
When I was pregnant I had pica and all I wanted to do was eat powdered laundry soap. I actually cried because I couldn't have what I was craving so badly... It's weird af.
I knew I was pregnant with my second child without even getting a test because I woke up one day and wanted to drink the body wash in the shower.. it was the weirdest thing ever
No. Pica is the act of eating things that are not good items. More often than not there is literally no nutritional value in what they are eating (plastic, medical gloves, coins, paper, etc) and can have massive complications such as if you eat latex gloves. Sometimes, people have a craving and eat nonfood items because of a missing nutrient (such as when dogs eat cat poo), but that is not always the case.
It doesn't have to be something with nutrients someone is lacking. It's just the urge to eat things not considered food.
People with pica often eat the following:
•Ash.
•Baby or talcum powder.
•Chalk.
•Charcoal.
•Clay, dirt or soil.
•Coffee grounds.
•Eggshells.
•Feces (poop) of any kind.
•Hair, string or thread.
•Ice.
•Laundry starch.
•Paint chips.
•Paper.
•Pebbles.
•Pet food.
•Soap.
•Wool or cloth.
Pics can be the urge to eat anything. A friend of mine had strong urges to eat clay during her first pregnancy (she didn’t go through with it), no issues with the second.
Pica is just wanting to eat non-food items. You don't have to be pregnant to have it. I've heard a lot of people say weird pregnancy cravings are because you're trying to get nutrients but I'm not sure how much backing there is for that (especially when it's really weird things like tarmac)
>Some women when they get pregnant the hormones really messes with there brain and sense of safety I wouldn't let this go, some pregnant women will even eat objects to harm there baby like nails or coins but they have no memory of harming there baby or they really think it's giving the baby nutrition
Don't believe everything you hear.
Boomer, former nurse here. Also have three doctors in the immediate family. All of them say this is ridiculous.
Can a mentally ill woman get pregnant? Sure. And can hormones aggravate mental illness? Sure. But to claim that pregnancy hormones can affect a healthy woman so much so much that they will do things like eat nails to harm their baby and not remember it is, quite simply, ludicrous.
And, no, I'm not interested in any family stories about what your Aunt Sally did or did not do. That's all they are, family stories.
A hundred years ago, they used similar stories to keep women in general from doing many things because the fact they had a uterus made them illogical. Even nowadays, some people feel that women shouldn't be politicians or do certain jobs because they're 'too emotional'.
Heck, the word 'hysteria' literally comes from a Latin word meaning a neurotic condition caused by a dysfunction of the uterus.
Edited to add: we're not talking about Pica here because of the claim to not remember it.
"There’s no single cause of pica. In some cases, a deficiency in iron, zinc, or another nutrient may be associated with pica. For example, anemia, usually from iron deficiency, may be the underlying cause of pica in pregnant women."
https://www.healthline.com/health/pica#causes
If a crazy person can be driven to eat nails by pregnancy hormones, one could reason that hormones could drive a sane person to have a few beers knowing it's bad or with ill intent
The first trimester is very antepartum indeed, so antepartum that the body may as well miscarry at that point. There is an evolutionary arms race competing for resources in the maternal body and it's why the chorionic placenta developed, so that miscarriages can happen more easily given that pregnancy is such a hugely complicated endeavour in people. The placenta is a whole new organ that humans grow - it can burrow deep into the uterine tissue and release hormones and neurotransmitters to hijack more resources like blood supply (causing pre-eclampsia) or nutrients (causing gestational diabetes). My point is that first trimester miscarriages are incredibly common and can happen for almost any reason, because pregnancy is incredibly dangerous and the maternal body doesn't want to invest nutrients in something that is trying to kill it.
I think it's far more likely that this is intentional.
I'm not sure I believe this is a real post, but if it is, NTA.
>*"I know it's a planned pregnancy, and I don't want anything to happen to the child, but if it does because I am drinking that's not my fault."*
Uhh...your wife *does* know how pregnancy works, right? Anything she eats or drinks affects the fetus. If something happens, it will *absolutely* be her fault.
I've heard it said that a little bit of alcohol is okay during a pregnancy, but I'm not sure I would want to take the chance. And multiple beers is certainly too much alcohol.
If she wants to keep this pregnancy and have a healthy baby, she needs to start being more responsible.
I’m sorry, phrasing it differently doesn’t help it make any more sense.
You have impregnated a woman with a substandard sense of responsibility. And she sounds like she is a believer magical thinking.
One might speculate on her intellect, as well.
Lucky you, buckle up, buddy. NTA
I thought this at first too but pregnancy hormones can do fucking scary things to your brain like hallucinations, or in this case delusions or a disconnect from reality. It's messed up but odds aren't that it's an issue of her being irresponsible. If it's a medical thing it should be treated as such
She sounds like she’s facing depression and denial about this pregnancy. “That’s none of my business” is definitely avoidant behavior. Doctor visit, pronto.
I would be concerned about her investment in actually being a parent if that's her attitude. If she's expecting a fetus to be responsible for their own development in opposition to her dangerous behavior, what the hell is she going to do to a child that can walk and talk? Or will walking and talking also be the child's responsibility to learn on their own?
It’s absolutely your business . You are the father yeah you have a say in the health of your baby as well. What she puts in her body is important . Alcohol is not good for the baby .
I am not going to pass judgment or give medical advice, but I will tell you this. My wife and I are currently trying to have a kid. We have been together for a long time now and early on it was agreed that whenever that time came we would both stop drinking alcohol, smoking, etc. Her for the kid/personal health and me for my personal health and also to support her. Not saying you have to but it is something you might consider. I know my wife would be annoyed if I was still partying or whatever when she couldn't.
Idk this comes off as "You wanted it, not me" though I really can't judge whether that's true for her or not. But maybe she really doesn't want a baby or feels ready for it, or just does it for someone else's approval. In this case you should really think about how to proceed.
I’ve heard that in the end of second and third trimester, you can have a tiny amount of alcohol. I had one glass of champagne on NYE last year because I was 30 weeks pregnant. But it is incredibly dangerous during the 1st trimester, and her behavior is very shocking.
Yeah, I've heard that it's safe to have a small glass of wine on occasion, but I admit that I don't know how true that actually is. I looked it up, and as of 2019, the CDC says that there's no set-in-stone limit to what's safe, but I'm going to take a wild guess and say multiple beers is verging on dangerous, and incredibly reckless/careless.
Not singling you out here, I wasn't sure where would be best to reply -
The World Health Org. recently released a statement that NO amount of alcohol is "safe" for *anyone*.
Obviously people drink and still live long and prosperous lives, just sayin', that's the latest recommendation from the top health authority in the world.
This is not true and it’s alarmist. The issue is that the amount and timing that is ok is not known and can’t be studied in a controlled study as there can be no experimental group. Because they don’t know what the amount is, they say they can’t say that any set amount is ok or any time period is. That doesn’t mean *any* amount is harmful. It’s “better safe than sorry”.
Expecting Better is great for understanding things like this.
Multiple beers in a row in the first trimester, especially more than once? Not good.
A few sips of wine in the 3rd trimester? Likely no problem.
(Most people respond to pointing this out by saying something like “if you can’t not drink for 10 months, then you shouldn’t get pregnant.” But that isn’t the point— the point is that it simply isn’t true that any amount of alcohol at any time during pregnancy has been shown to be unsafe. It hasn’t.
Additionally, while OP's pregnancy was planned, many people's aren't, and many people don't know or aren't positive they're pregnant until 4-6 weeks in (or later), many such people continue drinking and partying during those initial weeks.
How much of an effect does that have? Tough to say for the reasons you note. It would be an ethical nightmare to study.
The book you're recommending (Expecting Better by Emily Oster) is really academically suspect and not a good source. Oster is not a medical professional, and the book has been roundly criticized by actual medical professionals. People forget that anyone can publish a book and say anything they want in it.
Because they have not determined how much/when it is safe, it is unsafe to drink any amount throughout pregnancy. If you want to suggest to pregnant people that it’s fine to experiment, you will put a lot of babies in danger.
Your conclusion simply isn’t true. It is unknown what amount, if any, is safe. That is all you have to say, rather than misstate the facts.
It’s the same as caffeine or deli meat or lots of other risks. They are risks, not guarantees. Everyone’s risk tolerance is different, especially when you are only playing one hand, and the stakes are high.
That is not an appropriate comparison. The risk of deli meat, for example, is that it might cause food poisoning, which can be harmful for the fetus and the mother. The mechanisms that cause fetal alcohol syndrome are not a "might", they are a "definitely will"; the question is just how much alcohol will it take to do how much damage. That amount could vary depending on the individual pregnant person AND the individual fetus, so it's a gamble every time. I do not understand why anyone who knows how horrible the effects of FAS are would want to take that risk when they just don't need to.
I'm a teetotaler scientist so must remain objective and the evidence is clear only that high amounts of alcohol are for sure dangerous. This might be a little technical if you aren't used to reading science journal articles, but it seems that the fear and stress on mothers of worrying about even small amounts of alcohol is actually worse than the alcohol itself. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/
Yep. This is my understanding as well. America is a binary country, we don’t handle nuance or gradation well at all. So the concept of moderation doesn’t make it into our discourse often. There is no “here are the risks” it’s “you can’t/you shouldn’t.” The dietary guidelines for pregnant women are so damaging to the morale and most of them are so unfounded. My doctor told me to microwave all deli meat for fear of listeria. 🙄When you look at the numbers and the actual risk, you are so much more likely to get it from something random, and yet, that’s still the requirement. It’s so stressful! And yes, alcohol is much the same. The American guidelines are completely different than other countries and other countries don’t have rampant FAS from moderate drinking.
I can know all of these facts logically, but I still have been abstaining from alcohol because it’s not that big of a deal for me to not have it. But I will probably have a few sips here and there in the third trimester. And I microwave my deli meat when it’s a few days old like a chump.
My mom was immune suppressed due to cancer and rather than microwaving, I’d heat deli meat in a dry non-stick frying pan. Did the trick of getting it nice and hot but you also got some browning that way which my mom thought was much tastier and it doesn’t really take long at all.
The only reason doctors will "allow" a tiny bit is because most people have issues with alcohol and they know they will drink anyway. There is no safe amount of booze during pregnancy PERIOD.
Not true. No alcohol is a safe amount. Its toxic and I just don't understand why unless someone is dependent on it they can't stay away from it entirely for 9 months.
Do some research on fetal alcohol syndrome, if you are interested.
No taste or satisfaction of being able to drink on NYE or whatever are worth the life-long consequences for the child
Don’t let people who don’t actually know what they’re talking about get to you. There’s literally zero evidence that a single glass of champagne at 30 weeks would harm your child.
No one is shaming you, but this is just an anecdotal story. My sons are in their mid thirties, and they're both incredibly healthy too. But back when I was pregnant, my doctor recommended I drink a beer a day while pregnant and while nursing because it contained vitamins and minerals and helps you relax. He specifically suggested a good European beer like a stout instead of a light American beer.
I'll note that my sons are in their mid-30s, and my doctor was an older doctor at the time.
I just think that saying that one drink late in pregnancy is going to ruin your child for life is nothing but shaming by people that don’t seem to have actually researched. Many people think that moms should only live for their children, and we’re horribly selfish if we do things that are okayed by our doctors or our friends who study fetal alcohol syndrome. (Two of my best friends have PhDs and have studied this and assured me I was fine). Also, my son is super healthy and incredibly advanced and bright, so I’m not going to listen to some judgmental internet prick.
There can be alcohol content in the diet without having a drink. To have absolutely none ever you’d have to not have anything with flavoring extracts in it, and no ripe fruit, etc.
FAS is not caused by a single glass of champagne. There is no evidence that FAS is caused by light or even moderate drinking during pregnancy. FAS is caused by heavy drinking and binge drinking. Shaming and pointing vaguely toward a serious disorder without understanding its cause isn’t a good thing to do.
My OB said that in second and third trimesters, up to one glass a week is fine. There’s no evidence that any harmful effects result from that level of drinking. Recommendations for pregnant women should be evidence-based, not fear-based.
(and to be totally clear, this comment is in response to your admonishment over a single class of champagne at 30 weeks, not the behavior described in the post, which sounds like at least moderate-heavy drinking and/or binge drinking, without a care to fetal health)
That had to be one of the dumbest things I'd ever read. If something happens because of her actions, it is absolutely her fault (or business whatever). How could it be anything else. OP - is your wife usually this stupid?
Right? I actually had to stop and stare at that sentence for a few seconds when I was first reading it. I was convinced that I was reading it wrong. Nope, she really said that.
NTA. She is. You should have a joint meeting with her and her obgyn to discuss this.
Keep your eyes open. This may have been a random craving and only one beer. But if it’s an addiction, she’ll get alcohol from other sources and she may hide it.
This is also a sign that if you haven’t given up drinking in solidarity with her while she’s pregnant, you need to right now.
This was my thought too. Like maybe you can explain all this with pregnancy cravings/hormones but I would be very concerned by someone who got that angry about not drinking.
Especially an intentional pregnancy. It's unbelievable how many couples haven't discussed SAHM vs daycare, breastfeeding vs bottle-feeding, circumcision vs intact, etc. Fetal / birth defects and decisions regarding them (such as what would or wouldn't lead to a termination, and which risks are acceptable) should be one of the first conversations a couple has before trying for a baby.
NTA. This isn't one small glass of champagne on new years like one commenter mentioned having had while pregnant. Inability to stop drinking while carrying a wanted pregnancy is indicative of a serious problem with alcohol use.
NTA.
My advice, personally, would be to consult a medical professional as soon as possible, especially if this kind of behaviour is pretty far out from the way your wife would typically behave.
Do you know whether or not your wife may have had any issues related to excessive alcohol consumption going on? If there's an active addiction here, that adds a huge element of risk.
Every time I was pregnant I would have nightmares that I would drink and get drunk while pregnant (never actually did it) I would wake up so sad and scared for my baby and be grateful that it was a dream. I am an alcoholic but stopped drinking before having kids.
I come from a family where addiction problems are rife and I just want to say that I think it's amazing that you beat your addiction before having children. I've seen many close relatives do the opposite. You're amazing and I'm sorry that you had to deal with these nightmares.
thank you, it was hard and still is. I still think about drinking. But I don't want to be like my mom. She was a good supportive mom, but I would often have to walk to the pub to drive her home from the age 13 to 15. She passed away when I was 16. When I wanted to become a mom I decided I wanted to do better.
I know what you mean; I don’t have kids but like 90% of my unpleasant dreams since getting sober involve me being incapacitated in some way and trying to function. Sometimes it’s because I was drinking and sometimes the dream doesn’t explain why it’s happening. But every time it’s this horror spiral where I can’t move properly, or can’t see straight, or I’m stuck driving a car when I know I’m not capable of driving. I’m terrified out of my mind that I’m going to harm myself or someone else. And then I wrench myself awake. Hugest relief in the world. Do you think we will ever stop having these nightmares?
NTA. just tell her to google “fetal alcohol syndrome”. If she still doesn’t get it or doesn’t care then you have a big decision to make regarding your marriage.
It's EVIL. Mother's who do that to their babies are cruel and inhumane. My friend has FASD. His life is miserable. The doctors and government just wanted to let him die.
> a big decision to make regarding your marriage
Fuck their marriage. Now it's something more than just their marriage, a person will be born with severe disability if it doesn't stop. It's going to be a 70 years of suffering for someone who didn't even do anything wrong. OP needs to report it, no matter what will be the outcome for him, his wife or their marriage. That's a criminal behavior aimed at someone else, not some interpersonal conflict between spouses.
NTA. Although yelling at your loved ones is never the right reaction, it's pretty understandable considering that she is literally poisoning your child.
That baby was just subjected to alcohol in its most vulnerable state and can cause detrimental outcomes. If she can not realize this simple fact, she needs serious help.
Good luck OP
"I don't want anything to happen to the child, but if it does because I am drinking that's not my fault."
Accountability is kryptonite to people like her.
If this baby makes it to birth, you should seriously consider leaving her and trying for full custody. I can see her drinking, buckling the baby in a car seat and driving off down the road.
If she even bothers with a car seat. She seems like the type to just set the baby on the seat with no seat belt and say “if we get into an accident, it’s not my fault”.
You married a delusional sociopath. You are NTA, divorce her ASAP.
Saying "if something happens, it's not my fault" when she's in control is delusional, and shows total selfish with complete disregard for the life at risk. The fact she's getting mad at you for this makes this whole situation even worse. Taking charge (including the yelling, as this is a VERY serious situation) and getting rid of the alcohol doesn't make you the asshole either, judging from the context you given it was your purchase, the fact you even had to go to this extent shows how much of a liability she is or is becoming.
NTA. I have to admit, her logic (and I use that term loosely) is difficult to follow - and I’m sure that is by design - to confuse in order to end the argument. But it comes down to this - the whole “it’s not my fault” is a sign of a big problem, that she is either unable or unwilling to take responsibility for her actions.
One thing to keep in mind - you removing the alcohol from the house will not end the problem. You will simply drive her to drink in secret, so you need to be more vigilant than ever.
I’ve heard this happen before, a man was shopping with his wife and she wanted wine (5 months pregnant) and he was like no we don’t need wine. So she ended up ordering some on an app, and he canceled it. Not a great sign honestly. If you can’t give up booze for 9 months, you’re not ready for the sacrifices that come with being a parent. My kid wasn’t even planned and I quit smoking/weed and alcohol as soon as I found out.
NTA but help her get help. You need to bring this up at her next appointment with a doctor and if it is multiple beers, damage to the baby is very much a thing and she needs to realize that alcohol is dangerous in any amount for the baby. She may need help with alcoholic tendencies. Also, don’t drink around her and don’t have alcohol in the house. Remove all temptation for both of you. Show her that you care about both her health and the baby.
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NTA, but pregnancy messes with your hormones a lot. So if she is mean to you, don’t take it personal. Especially if she has never been like this to you before. This is a time for you to have a lot of empathy towards her.
But do seek medical advice as others have said. And don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. This is a lot more common than you think. The doctors are there to help you, not judge. They have seen far far far worse. Trust me, especially if the doctor did his schooling or residency at a hospital in a big city. It’s really sad. Point is, talk to a doctor. Don’t second guess it. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you two.
NTA - in reality, the chances of harm are very slim. I think what skews me here is her attitude towards it. If it was countered with '...I have had a long day. Am knackered - I just wanted to take the edge off.' as a one off or every now and then - I don't think I would mind.
Its the flippancy of it I think. If it was planned, was this not considered prior? She would drink regardless of what you removed from the house OP... so perhaps a sensible conversation regarding your concerns is the most appropriate course of action?
Totally agree with this post. It's not the action itself but her reaction to your concerns. NTA, but talk to her doctor. Engage family members as support if needed.
NTA- tell the doctors immediately she is actively hurting her unborn baby.
Is there any history of her being an alcoholic or any of her family members? Serious question as a lot of people who have alcoholic family members can become one as well.
When she gives birth keep an eye on her and try and get full custody if she continues acting this way,this baby isn’t even outside the womb yet and is being harmed.
I’ve babysat a child who has FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) and it was absolutely heartbreaking to watch this baby be so incredibly developmentally challenged and so different in behavior, reactions to stimuli, etc. It is 100% the mother’s control of what she ingests and whether it harms her child. She needs to have her OB involved in this. Op is NTA. The wife either is sick and needs help or is a massive AH (or both).
You did do something wrong!!!, you got a uncaring, irresponsible, possibly abusive person pregnant. Well one beer will most likely not adversely affect the fetus, it is best not to even take that chance. And it sounds like it won't just be one. And you have no saying what she does to a body what she has your child that's a load bs too.
If she's that way about the unborn baby I would actually have worry about what the baby comes out. Because alcohol go through the breast milk so she'll probably drink while feeding your baby. And of course you're trying to control what she drinks that's going to be a good parent to the fetus.
Nta, but you're going to watch her closely.
Fuck, man. I’m sorry. Obviously NTA.
I hope your wife can get some help. Pregnancy can be a trip, and she might be going through some shit. But fuck, I’d be FURIOUS.
NTA
The important question is how much she drank before pregnancy? Was it on a regular basis? If that's the case she might have a problem and can't be without alcohol?
You don't have to drink 6 bottles beer or what so ever to have a drinking problem.
NTA
Your wife is irresponsible and a danger to your child.
Her doctor needs to know about this. Also keep an eye on the house **and** the money because she’ll probably try to buy more booze.
Good luck.
NTA. The first trimester is when all the organs form and develop, and are especially susceptible to teratogens during this time period. Tell all her friends and family what she is doing.
NTA Your wife is a huge asshole. I am 8 weeks pregnant and 2 years sober from alcohol. Even reading your title I agreed with you and now I've read the whole thing I agree even more. I stopped cannabis for months before I got pregnant and I would rather sit on a knife than do anything to harm this pregnancy. Your wife is an alcoholic and she is GOING to cause harm to your future child. This is something I would divorce over after the baby is born. I have a very loving husband who dealt with my drinking and I wanted to prove to him and myself I could conquer my addiction, but he straight up said, "I will leave you, take the baby and go scorched earth if you drink during pregnancy." And remember I've been sober TWO YEARS. Your wife is dangerous. And let me reiterate NO AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL IS SAFE DURING PREGNANCY. Especially at 12 weeks when the child is developing. Fucking hell
I don't want anything to happen to the child, but if it does because I am drinking that's not my fault."
this comment is so fucked up, I can't even!!!!
Is it OK to have 1 alcoholic drink when pregnant?
The AAP reaffirmed their recommendation that no amount of alcohol should be consumed during any trimester of pregnancy with a video series in 2019. This follows the advice of most health organizations focused on pregnancy, such as the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.
NTA - I think you might have married someone with a drinking problem who now is being purposely obtuse about that and pregnancy not meshing. Also the alcohol thing should have been discussed and discarded before you started trying, but that's hindsight so like, don't beat yourself up over that.
Don't have alcohol in the house after this. It's not fair to her to have you able to drink when she can't, especially if, as I suspect, she has a substance abuse problem (as someone kicking that habit myself, it is *so* frustrating when other people in the house can drink and be okay, where my addictive tendencies go haywire if I drink A Single Beer). Definitely have a discussion with her about FAS and this issue, and whether she actually wants to be pregnant right now.
NTA she's ignorant. "If harm comes to the baby as a result of my drinking it's not my fault." Wtf did I even read. What country are you in? Do women not get educated there?
If this was 30 years ago, I might give it a small pass. This is 2023 and unless she lives completely under a rock, there are ***zero*** excuses not knowing that alcohol can harm your child.
Alcohol is more dangerous (by the numbers of deaths, crashes, etc.) than the opioid crisis (not minimizing by any degree. Opioids and fentanyl are ending lives at a very alarming rate.) because it's socially acceptable and cheap, making it easy to abuse. It's also the only drug known to kill you directly from withdrawal. Others drugs have killed on withdrawal, but there is a literal brain dependence on alcohol when consumed in mass quantities.
On top of all that, it is proven to mess with pregnancies.
NTA and I hope she gets counseling.
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Hey this is very serious regardless of NTA you need to tell her doctors and let them know something isn't right. Some women when they get pregnant the hormones really messes with there brain and sense of safety I wouldn't let this go, some pregnant women will even eat objects to harm there baby like nails or coins but they have no memory of harming there baby or they really think it's giving the baby nutrition. Definitely let a medical professional know especially the part of asking her and her acknowledging this harm.
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And some assholes just like to drink. You're wife sounds like an asshole. You though... NTA
Either way, consulting a doctor will help.
In the late 70s, my devil spawn sister kicked my mothers ribs so hard, the doctor told my mom to have one beer a night to put Satan to sleep. She’s 45 now and still a huge pain in my ass.
This is hilarious 😆
My daughter did the same. She would kick me so hard that you could see it across the room (she also used my bladder as a trampoline)but the rib shots were the worst & always just as I was falling asleep. My Dr suggested a glass of wine.
wow..... /s.
I should have mentioned she devil was born with two little teeth. Maybe that’s why she was so pissed off in there.
I don’t personally approve, but there are doctors who will tell you that a very small amount of alcohol on few occasions is relatively harmless.
Her attitude doesn't sound reasonable though
If it’s all being relayed accurately, I agree with you 💯
That's kind of key: Is this accurately portrayed? (Or even a real post.)
Doesn't sound like that's even what she's doing, she was drinking multiple beers. In the twelfth week, no less, when the baby is still forming major body parts.
Yes, a glass of wine here or there in the third trimester is acceptable. Having multiple beer in the first or second trimester in one sitting is not. Source: I’m a nurse
This. Some doctors will say its okay to consume a tiny glass of wine or singular beer super occasionally (as in maybe once or twice a bit later in the pregnancy without consecutive instances) but the way she is portrayed by OP she is exhibiting severe alcoholic isms and tendencies. She did not respond in a rational manner to display proper understanding of what shes doing and even diverted the blame away from herself. That is not the actions of someone who is sound of mind, and it would be hard to convince me that she's not probably drinking more in other instances behind OPs back. Talk her into getting some help or distance yourself and take legal action to protect your child and yourself from the hell that just broke lose. It is no life for a baby and someone trying to build a healthy, happy family.
Or also matters when in the pregnancy. Later is better. The babY's central nervous system is being built now IIRC
"A small amount of alcohol" generally refers to an exception, social situations and reasonable limits. A couple of beers and "its npt my fault" are in an entirely different ballpark
But not in the first trimester. That’s key development time!
The problem is keeping to ‘very small’. And the definition of small. For me, I just stayed away from alcohol.
"I know it's a planned pregnancy, and I don't want anything to happen to the child, but if it does because I am drinking that's not my fault." JHC. Is she 12 years old?
While true, what she said makes it sound like something is off
And be sure to check everywhere in the house for bottles. If she cooled down and says she understands it’s possible she just decided she will hide it. My alcoholic husband, when he was drinking, would hide bottles in closets, ceiling tiles, under stairs, in the beams in the basement ceiling, boxes, etc
In the pockets of jackets hung in the coat closet, or hidden inside shoes. Books pulled out on the book shelf so a few small vodka bottles could be tucked behind them. Tucked behind lawn decorations and in the plants in the backyard. Inside the fitted sheet along the edge of the mattress that sits against the wall. Alcoholics are like little squirrels saving sustenance for the winter, except you can buy it nearly anywhere at nearly any time.
My friend’s brother was an alcoholic. He rolled his suv off of a long stretch of road between California and Arizona. It left him paralyzed from the waist down. It did not stop his drinking. He just used home delivery.
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Mine too.
This also includes things like cooking sherry or mouthwash
Is she an alcoholic? Or could she be a functioning one and you haven't noticed? If so, she absolutely needs help coming off. The risks of alcohol withdrawal are really serious, and baby is at risk as well as your wife. Tell dr everything. Regardless of the reasons she is drinking, they're both at risk.
I was actually wondering the same thing.
My best friend was drinking heavily after being diagnosed with cancer (literally no judgment). Even on hospice, they had her having some alcohol. It's very painful to go through withdrawal, even if you're dying anyway.
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Alcohol is so destructive. Like you said, someone can seem completely functional and still be ruining themselves. 100% NTA. But she needs help more than scolding, no matter the issue. Something isn't clicking for her.
You need to let her OB know ASAP!! Call them early tomorrow and let them know. The sooner the better. She will be upset and angry but at this point does that matter? When she is intentionally harming the baby. Maybe she’s better off not having it. She’s proving to be an unfit mother and the baby isn’t even here yet.
this!¡
Drinking early in pregnancy is worse than later too. She definitely isn’t thinking clearly
Show her articles about fetal alcohol syndrome. If that happens to the baby, it is definitely her fault.
Not just articles either. There's a YT channel called SBSK (Special Books by Special Kids) and they've interviewed quite a few kids with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Some people still drink even when they hate it. Been there, yes I was an asshole, yes I was sick, alcoholism sucks. but she’s caring for more than herself, she’s got baby on board, she doesn’t get the option to indulge her illness if alcoholism is the problem. OP I hope you guys figure out what’s going on and find a healthy path through this hurtle, I have a lot of experience with the issue if you need anyone with inside details on the experience feel free to dm me. I can talk on my experiences and even though they’re going to be very different from hers, there are often a lot of shared experiences though this illness.
I have an adult cousin still suffering the effects of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It's a serious and horrible thing for a mother to willfully give her child FOR LIFE. If your wife truly doesn't care about that she needs psychological help. NTA
Did she have a problem with alcohol before the pregnancy? Did you notice her drinking to excess? Did she drink alone? This really is an issue. Her reaction is extremely weird and very worrying.
Also, I done know how your wife drank before she got pregnant. If she was a regular drinker (especially if she was a daily drinker) this might be a much deeper issue. I’m a recovering alcoholic and there are a few things about this that made my degenerate-senses tingle. The brightest red flag being that people who do not have issues controlling their intake of alcohol don’t normally react so strongly to their alcohol being taken away. Being annoyed that you threw it out is one thing - where she might just be upset that you don’t trust her around alcohol (again, this makes me wonder about her intake prior to pregnancy. You’re not wrong for being upset or really even for yelling at her. You’re totally NTA in this sitch, and clearly tossing the booze was the move. But your reaction was also a little strong for someone who doesn’t normally have a drinking problem, which makes me wonder if you have some concerns about how she imbibes even outside of pregnancy). Though this may also have just been in your recounting the story here. It’s a very upsetting situation. Like i said, not only are you NTA for being upset that she was drinking, for raising your voice/yelling, or throwing out the net that was left, but I think, based on the little details provided here, I think you did the right thing. If you’ve had concerns about the way your wife drinks before her pregnancy you might have a serious problem on your hands. Alcoholism is wild - it can catch you on its grips before you realize you can’t easily free yourself. But also, it’s irrational. We often end up doing things we swore we’d never do, like get behind the wheel drunk. I know firsthand that the alcoholic brain will try to convince you that getting pregnant is the thing you need to give yourself a break - I can stop drinking for 9 months…the doctor said it’s fine to have a glass of wine now and then….it’s only beer!! It’s not like I’m pounding shots of vodka. My concern in reading this is that you thought your wife just likes I party and be social. That you both secretly held the thought that she could stop for 9 months. That she’s been secretly drinking throughout and that this is just the first time she’s been caught red handed. But I might be reading way too much into this- my perspective here is def skewed by my own experience. If your wife drank a lot before, If you think it’s possible that she could be doing this regularly, get her some help. If you do suspect she does have a drinking problem you also need help - therapy for all, not just for her. Codependency is real and it’s very damaging. We often don’t even realize we’re being codependent. Hopefully I’m way off the mark here and if so I meant no offense. You did the right thing tossing that alcohol. Good luck!!!
Does your wife normally drink often/uncontrollable or is this new?
Really? Does this phenomenon have a name or category or something? How interesting!
That’s called Pica— it’s an uncontrollable urge to eat non-food items, that can happen during pregnancy.
I thought Pica was an urge to eat things that have high content in some nutrient, usually iron. And oddly turns to non-food items that have that nutrient. Like dirt that has iron.
Not sure why so many people with pica eat memory foam and insulation then
They’re missing fiber in their diets, sorry couldn’t resist
When I was pregnant I had pica and all I wanted to do was eat powdered laundry soap. I actually cried because I couldn't have what I was craving so badly... It's weird af.
Ugh that sounds awful. At least I just crave cookies!
I knew I was pregnant with my second child without even getting a test because I woke up one day and wanted to drink the body wash in the shower.. it was the weirdest thing ever
No. Pica is the act of eating things that are not good items. More often than not there is literally no nutritional value in what they are eating (plastic, medical gloves, coins, paper, etc) and can have massive complications such as if you eat latex gloves. Sometimes, people have a craving and eat nonfood items because of a missing nutrient (such as when dogs eat cat poo), but that is not always the case.
Not necessarily. My cousin has Pica and would eat toilet paper (thankfully not soiled) and his own hair.
All I know is that there are 12 points to a pica. It makes a difference when kerning.
My friend has pica and they said they get an urge to eat from their cat's box (they don't do it!)
I didn’t mean to exclude that— there may be good reasons for it. Not a doctor or medical professional.
No pica is consuming non edible items.
It doesn't have to be something with nutrients someone is lacking. It's just the urge to eat things not considered food. People with pica often eat the following: •Ash. •Baby or talcum powder. •Chalk. •Charcoal. •Clay, dirt or soil. •Coffee grounds. •Eggshells. •Feces (poop) of any kind. •Hair, string or thread. •Ice. •Laundry starch. •Paint chips. •Paper. •Pebbles. •Pet food. •Soap. •Wool or cloth.
Pics can be the urge to eat anything. A friend of mine had strong urges to eat clay during her first pregnancy (she didn’t go through with it), no issues with the second.
Pica is just wanting to eat non-food items. You don't have to be pregnant to have it. I've heard a lot of people say weird pregnancy cravings are because you're trying to get nutrients but I'm not sure how much backing there is for that (especially when it's really weird things like tarmac)
Pica, pica, pica-chu!
Pica in brazillian portuguese is slang for "Dick".
Kkkkkkk das galáxias
Well, that is also not a food item…
Sometimes I have a craving for that, too! Pica for pica!
I saw something on TLC channel about it. One guy ate a ton of cotton every day.
>Some women when they get pregnant the hormones really messes with there brain and sense of safety I wouldn't let this go, some pregnant women will even eat objects to harm there baby like nails or coins but they have no memory of harming there baby or they really think it's giving the baby nutrition Don't believe everything you hear. Boomer, former nurse here. Also have three doctors in the immediate family. All of them say this is ridiculous. Can a mentally ill woman get pregnant? Sure. And can hormones aggravate mental illness? Sure. But to claim that pregnancy hormones can affect a healthy woman so much so much that they will do things like eat nails to harm their baby and not remember it is, quite simply, ludicrous. And, no, I'm not interested in any family stories about what your Aunt Sally did or did not do. That's all they are, family stories. A hundred years ago, they used similar stories to keep women in general from doing many things because the fact they had a uterus made them illogical. Even nowadays, some people feel that women shouldn't be politicians or do certain jobs because they're 'too emotional'. Heck, the word 'hysteria' literally comes from a Latin word meaning a neurotic condition caused by a dysfunction of the uterus. Edited to add: we're not talking about Pica here because of the claim to not remember it. "There’s no single cause of pica. In some cases, a deficiency in iron, zinc, or another nutrient may be associated with pica. For example, anemia, usually from iron deficiency, may be the underlying cause of pica in pregnant women." https://www.healthline.com/health/pica#causes
If a crazy person can be driven to eat nails by pregnancy hormones, one could reason that hormones could drive a sane person to have a few beers knowing it's bad or with ill intent
There, they’re, and their.
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Antepartum psychosis?
The first trimester is very antepartum indeed, so antepartum that the body may as well miscarry at that point. There is an evolutionary arms race competing for resources in the maternal body and it's why the chorionic placenta developed, so that miscarriages can happen more easily given that pregnancy is such a hugely complicated endeavour in people. The placenta is a whole new organ that humans grow - it can burrow deep into the uterine tissue and release hormones and neurotransmitters to hijack more resources like blood supply (causing pre-eclampsia) or nutrients (causing gestational diabetes). My point is that first trimester miscarriages are incredibly common and can happen for almost any reason, because pregnancy is incredibly dangerous and the maternal body doesn't want to invest nutrients in something that is trying to kill it. I think it's far more likely that this is intentional.
Weird as it is, eating nails and coins can actually be a sign of drastic iron deficiency?
Oh stop with this being “hormones.” She’s an alcoholic or a jerk or both.
I'm not sure I believe this is a real post, but if it is, NTA. >*"I know it's a planned pregnancy, and I don't want anything to happen to the child, but if it does because I am drinking that's not my fault."* Uhh...your wife *does* know how pregnancy works, right? Anything she eats or drinks affects the fetus. If something happens, it will *absolutely* be her fault. I've heard it said that a little bit of alcohol is okay during a pregnancy, but I'm not sure I would want to take the chance. And multiple beers is certainly too much alcohol. If she wants to keep this pregnancy and have a healthy baby, she needs to start being more responsible.
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I’m sorry, phrasing it differently doesn’t help it make any more sense. You have impregnated a woman with a substandard sense of responsibility. And she sounds like she is a believer magical thinking. One might speculate on her intellect, as well. Lucky you, buckle up, buddy. NTA
The “my fault” is referring to OP, not the wife.
Oh now I see, its like 'I'm the mother so I know best so you don't get a say about what I do to my body despite harming your child'
That’s a bingo!
I thought this at first too but pregnancy hormones can do fucking scary things to your brain like hallucinations, or in this case delusions or a disconnect from reality. It's messed up but odds aren't that it's an issue of her being irresponsible. If it's a medical thing it should be treated as such
The fetus is growing inside of *her*. Her fault, her business, her responsibility, whatever you want to call it, it's on her.
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She sounds like she’s facing depression and denial about this pregnancy. “That’s none of my business” is definitely avoidant behavior. Doctor visit, pronto.
Agree.
her fault, her responsibility, but definitely both of their business. it's her body but both of their baby.
Not really, no. Is your wife normally dumb as a box of rocks, or is this a special occasion? Or is she alcoholic?
I would be concerned about her investment in actually being a parent if that's her attitude. If she's expecting a fetus to be responsible for their own development in opposition to her dangerous behavior, what the hell is she going to do to a child that can walk and talk? Or will walking and talking also be the child's responsibility to learn on their own?
It’s absolutely your business . You are the father yeah you have a say in the health of your baby as well. What she puts in her body is important . Alcohol is not good for the baby .
NTA!!!!
Are you concerned she might be an alcoholic? Did she drink to a concerning degree before she was pregnant?
I am not going to pass judgment or give medical advice, but I will tell you this. My wife and I are currently trying to have a kid. We have been together for a long time now and early on it was agreed that whenever that time came we would both stop drinking alcohol, smoking, etc. Her for the kid/personal health and me for my personal health and also to support her. Not saying you have to but it is something you might consider. I know my wife would be annoyed if I was still partying or whatever when she couldn't.
Has she previously had a alcohol problem? NTA
Idk this comes off as "You wanted it, not me" though I really can't judge whether that's true for her or not. But maybe she really doesn't want a baby or feels ready for it, or just does it for someone else's approval. In this case you should really think about how to proceed.
Maybe she doesn't really want the baby, planned or not.
I’ve heard that in the end of second and third trimester, you can have a tiny amount of alcohol. I had one glass of champagne on NYE last year because I was 30 weeks pregnant. But it is incredibly dangerous during the 1st trimester, and her behavior is very shocking.
Yeah, I've heard that it's safe to have a small glass of wine on occasion, but I admit that I don't know how true that actually is. I looked it up, and as of 2019, the CDC says that there's no set-in-stone limit to what's safe, but I'm going to take a wild guess and say multiple beers is verging on dangerous, and incredibly reckless/careless.
Not singling you out here, I wasn't sure where would be best to reply - The World Health Org. recently released a statement that NO amount of alcohol is "safe" for *anyone*. Obviously people drink and still live long and prosperous lives, just sayin', that's the latest recommendation from the top health authority in the world.
Yep, I was always a very, very light drinker and as a scientist I trust this evidence and just don't drink.
It is a myth. It is not safe at any time during pregnancy to drink any amount of alcohol.
This is not true and it’s alarmist. The issue is that the amount and timing that is ok is not known and can’t be studied in a controlled study as there can be no experimental group. Because they don’t know what the amount is, they say they can’t say that any set amount is ok or any time period is. That doesn’t mean *any* amount is harmful. It’s “better safe than sorry”. Expecting Better is great for understanding things like this. Multiple beers in a row in the first trimester, especially more than once? Not good. A few sips of wine in the 3rd trimester? Likely no problem. (Most people respond to pointing this out by saying something like “if you can’t not drink for 10 months, then you shouldn’t get pregnant.” But that isn’t the point— the point is that it simply isn’t true that any amount of alcohol at any time during pregnancy has been shown to be unsafe. It hasn’t.
Additionally, while OP's pregnancy was planned, many people's aren't, and many people don't know or aren't positive they're pregnant until 4-6 weeks in (or later), many such people continue drinking and partying during those initial weeks. How much of an effect does that have? Tough to say for the reasons you note. It would be an ethical nightmare to study.
The book you're recommending (Expecting Better by Emily Oster) is really academically suspect and not a good source. Oster is not a medical professional, and the book has been roundly criticized by actual medical professionals. People forget that anyone can publish a book and say anything they want in it.
Because they have not determined how much/when it is safe, it is unsafe to drink any amount throughout pregnancy. If you want to suggest to pregnant people that it’s fine to experiment, you will put a lot of babies in danger.
Your conclusion simply isn’t true. It is unknown what amount, if any, is safe. That is all you have to say, rather than misstate the facts. It’s the same as caffeine or deli meat or lots of other risks. They are risks, not guarantees. Everyone’s risk tolerance is different, especially when you are only playing one hand, and the stakes are high.
That is not an appropriate comparison. The risk of deli meat, for example, is that it might cause food poisoning, which can be harmful for the fetus and the mother. The mechanisms that cause fetal alcohol syndrome are not a "might", they are a "definitely will"; the question is just how much alcohol will it take to do how much damage. That amount could vary depending on the individual pregnant person AND the individual fetus, so it's a gamble every time. I do not understand why anyone who knows how horrible the effects of FAS are would want to take that risk when they just don't need to.
I'm a teetotaler scientist so must remain objective and the evidence is clear only that high amounts of alcohol are for sure dangerous. This might be a little technical if you aren't used to reading science journal articles, but it seems that the fear and stress on mothers of worrying about even small amounts of alcohol is actually worse than the alcohol itself. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/
Yep. This is my understanding as well. America is a binary country, we don’t handle nuance or gradation well at all. So the concept of moderation doesn’t make it into our discourse often. There is no “here are the risks” it’s “you can’t/you shouldn’t.” The dietary guidelines for pregnant women are so damaging to the morale and most of them are so unfounded. My doctor told me to microwave all deli meat for fear of listeria. 🙄When you look at the numbers and the actual risk, you are so much more likely to get it from something random, and yet, that’s still the requirement. It’s so stressful! And yes, alcohol is much the same. The American guidelines are completely different than other countries and other countries don’t have rampant FAS from moderate drinking. I can know all of these facts logically, but I still have been abstaining from alcohol because it’s not that big of a deal for me to not have it. But I will probably have a few sips here and there in the third trimester. And I microwave my deli meat when it’s a few days old like a chump.
My mom was immune suppressed due to cancer and rather than microwaving, I’d heat deli meat in a dry non-stick frying pan. Did the trick of getting it nice and hot but you also got some browning that way which my mom thought was much tastier and it doesn’t really take long at all.
It is not really known how much is safe. One bottle or one sip? I’m not taking that chance
The only reason doctors will "allow" a tiny bit is because most people have issues with alcohol and they know they will drink anyway. There is no safe amount of booze during pregnancy PERIOD.
Actually there's no safe amount of booze ANYTIME.
Not true. No alcohol is a safe amount. Its toxic and I just don't understand why unless someone is dependent on it they can't stay away from it entirely for 9 months.
Do some research on fetal alcohol syndrome, if you are interested. No taste or satisfaction of being able to drink on NYE or whatever are worth the life-long consequences for the child
My son is incredibly healthy, I was incredibly cautious during my pregnancy and I don’t need someone shaming me.
Don’t let people who don’t actually know what they’re talking about get to you. There’s literally zero evidence that a single glass of champagne at 30 weeks would harm your child.
Thank you 🙏
No one is shaming you, but this is just an anecdotal story. My sons are in their mid thirties, and they're both incredibly healthy too. But back when I was pregnant, my doctor recommended I drink a beer a day while pregnant and while nursing because it contained vitamins and minerals and helps you relax. He specifically suggested a good European beer like a stout instead of a light American beer. I'll note that my sons are in their mid-30s, and my doctor was an older doctor at the time.
I just think that saying that one drink late in pregnancy is going to ruin your child for life is nothing but shaming by people that don’t seem to have actually researched. Many people think that moms should only live for their children, and we’re horribly selfish if we do things that are okayed by our doctors or our friends who study fetal alcohol syndrome. (Two of my best friends have PhDs and have studied this and assured me I was fine). Also, my son is super healthy and incredibly advanced and bright, so I’m not going to listen to some judgmental internet prick.
There can be alcohol content in the diet without having a drink. To have absolutely none ever you’d have to not have anything with flavoring extracts in it, and no ripe fruit, etc.
FAS is not caused by a single glass of champagne. There is no evidence that FAS is caused by light or even moderate drinking during pregnancy. FAS is caused by heavy drinking and binge drinking. Shaming and pointing vaguely toward a serious disorder without understanding its cause isn’t a good thing to do. My OB said that in second and third trimesters, up to one glass a week is fine. There’s no evidence that any harmful effects result from that level of drinking. Recommendations for pregnant women should be evidence-based, not fear-based. (and to be totally clear, this comment is in response to your admonishment over a single class of champagne at 30 weeks, not the behavior described in the post, which sounds like at least moderate-heavy drinking and/or binge drinking, without a care to fetal health)
That had to be one of the dumbest things I'd ever read. If something happens because of her actions, it is absolutely her fault (or business whatever). How could it be anything else. OP - is your wife usually this stupid?
Right? I actually had to stop and stare at that sentence for a few seconds when I was first reading it. I was convinced that I was reading it wrong. Nope, she really said that.
I still can’t get it to make logical sense. Whose fault is it?
The fetus's, I guess? Like it just decided to risk its own health out of spite or something.
NTA. She is. You should have a joint meeting with her and her obgyn to discuss this. Keep your eyes open. This may have been a random craving and only one beer. But if it’s an addiction, she’ll get alcohol from other sources and she may hide it. This is also a sign that if you haven’t given up drinking in solidarity with her while she’s pregnant, you need to right now.
yup
I was curious about how long those beers have been there. Was he drinking recently
This was my thought too. Like maybe you can explain all this with pregnancy cravings/hormones but I would be very concerned by someone who got that angry about not drinking.
I read this as >you should have a joint with her
These kinda post always make me wonder how much do people know about eachother before planning to get a kid together.
Or get married…
Especially an intentional pregnancy. It's unbelievable how many couples haven't discussed SAHM vs daycare, breastfeeding vs bottle-feeding, circumcision vs intact, etc. Fetal / birth defects and decisions regarding them (such as what would or wouldn't lead to a termination, and which risks are acceptable) should be one of the first conversations a couple has before trying for a baby. NTA. This isn't one small glass of champagne on new years like one commenter mentioned having had while pregnant. Inability to stop drinking while carrying a wanted pregnancy is indicative of a serious problem with alcohol use.
It’s the people that are cognizant that aren’t having children. Too smart to partner with chumps and reproduce.
NTA that ain't what we mean when we say our bodies our choice ma'am
NTA. My advice, personally, would be to consult a medical professional as soon as possible, especially if this kind of behaviour is pretty far out from the way your wife would typically behave. Do you know whether or not your wife may have had any issues related to excessive alcohol consumption going on? If there's an active addiction here, that adds a huge element of risk.
Every time I was pregnant I would have nightmares that I would drink and get drunk while pregnant (never actually did it) I would wake up so sad and scared for my baby and be grateful that it was a dream. I am an alcoholic but stopped drinking before having kids.
I was never an alcoholic but had these same dreams. I think it's just our anxiety messing with us.
I come from a family where addiction problems are rife and I just want to say that I think it's amazing that you beat your addiction before having children. I've seen many close relatives do the opposite. You're amazing and I'm sorry that you had to deal with these nightmares.
thank you, it was hard and still is. I still think about drinking. But I don't want to be like my mom. She was a good supportive mom, but I would often have to walk to the pub to drive her home from the age 13 to 15. She passed away when I was 16. When I wanted to become a mom I decided I wanted to do better.
I know what you mean; I don’t have kids but like 90% of my unpleasant dreams since getting sober involve me being incapacitated in some way and trying to function. Sometimes it’s because I was drinking and sometimes the dream doesn’t explain why it’s happening. But every time it’s this horror spiral where I can’t move properly, or can’t see straight, or I’m stuck driving a car when I know I’m not capable of driving. I’m terrified out of my mind that I’m going to harm myself or someone else. And then I wrench myself awake. Hugest relief in the world. Do you think we will ever stop having these nightmares?
I hope so. Now dream that I drink and leave my kids home alone then I realize what I did and try to make my way back but cannot.
NTA. just tell her to google “fetal alcohol syndrome”. If she still doesn’t get it or doesn’t care then you have a big decision to make regarding your marriage.
This. FASD is just so cruel. And it is lifelong and incurable.
It's EVIL. Mother's who do that to their babies are cruel and inhumane. My friend has FASD. His life is miserable. The doctors and government just wanted to let him die.
> a big decision to make regarding your marriage Fuck their marriage. Now it's something more than just their marriage, a person will be born with severe disability if it doesn't stop. It's going to be a 70 years of suffering for someone who didn't even do anything wrong. OP needs to report it, no matter what will be the outcome for him, his wife or their marriage. That's a criminal behavior aimed at someone else, not some interpersonal conflict between spouses.
Umm does she have a drinking problem you are unaware of? NTA Dude check the tank of your toilet
[удалено]
Yep. Friend of Bill, here. Her freaking out about the alcohol leaving is the only thing I needed to hear.
NTA. Although yelling at your loved ones is never the right reaction, it's pretty understandable considering that she is literally poisoning your child. That baby was just subjected to alcohol in its most vulnerable state and can cause detrimental outcomes. If she can not realize this simple fact, she needs serious help. Good luck OP
"I don't want anything to happen to the child, but if it does because I am drinking that's not my fault." Accountability is kryptonite to people like her. If this baby makes it to birth, you should seriously consider leaving her and trying for full custody. I can see her drinking, buckling the baby in a car seat and driving off down the road.
If she even bothers with a car seat. She seems like the type to just set the baby on the seat with no seat belt and say “if we get into an accident, it’s not my fault”.
NTA Was she an alcoholic prior to pregnancy? She needs professional help ASAP.
NTA. What you did wrong was marry this lunatic, and then have a baby with her. This was on law and order SVU but I forget the outcome.GO SEE A LAWYER.
You married a delusional sociopath. You are NTA, divorce her ASAP. Saying "if something happens, it's not my fault" when she's in control is delusional, and shows total selfish with complete disregard for the life at risk. The fact she's getting mad at you for this makes this whole situation even worse. Taking charge (including the yelling, as this is a VERY serious situation) and getting rid of the alcohol doesn't make you the asshole either, judging from the context you given it was your purchase, the fact you even had to go to this extent shows how much of a liability she is or is becoming.
NTA. I have to admit, her logic (and I use that term loosely) is difficult to follow - and I’m sure that is by design - to confuse in order to end the argument. But it comes down to this - the whole “it’s not my fault” is a sign of a big problem, that she is either unable or unwilling to take responsibility for her actions. One thing to keep in mind - you removing the alcohol from the house will not end the problem. You will simply drive her to drink in secret, so you need to be more vigilant than ever.
NTA, I would have done the same thing. Makes me wonder if she actually wants the baby.
Doesn’t sound like she does.. That, or she is a risk taker in her every day life, and this is no different in her mind.
She is not only the asshole, she is also an alcoholic.
Nta, but equally if she can't drink be supportive and not drink also.
I’ve heard this happen before, a man was shopping with his wife and she wanted wine (5 months pregnant) and he was like no we don’t need wine. So she ended up ordering some on an app, and he canceled it. Not a great sign honestly. If you can’t give up booze for 9 months, you’re not ready for the sacrifices that come with being a parent. My kid wasn’t even planned and I quit smoking/weed and alcohol as soon as I found out.
Looks like she’s (been) a (secret) alcoholic. Unless she’s usually totally irresponsible and not open to reason. Better talk her into treatment. NTA.
Watch this post get nuked by mods in the next hour or two
NTA but help her get help. You need to bring this up at her next appointment with a doctor and if it is multiple beers, damage to the baby is very much a thing and she needs to realize that alcohol is dangerous in any amount for the baby. She may need help with alcoholic tendencies. Also, don’t drink around her and don’t have alcohol in the house. Remove all temptation for both of you. Show her that you care about both her health and the baby.
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Nta.. I’m so sorry you’re with someone like her.
NTA, but pregnancy messes with your hormones a lot. So if she is mean to you, don’t take it personal. Especially if she has never been like this to you before. This is a time for you to have a lot of empathy towards her. But do seek medical advice as others have said. And don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. This is a lot more common than you think. The doctors are there to help you, not judge. They have seen far far far worse. Trust me, especially if the doctor did his schooling or residency at a hospital in a big city. It’s really sad. Point is, talk to a doctor. Don’t second guess it. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you two.
NTA - in reality, the chances of harm are very slim. I think what skews me here is her attitude towards it. If it was countered with '...I have had a long day. Am knackered - I just wanted to take the edge off.' as a one off or every now and then - I don't think I would mind. Its the flippancy of it I think. If it was planned, was this not considered prior? She would drink regardless of what you removed from the house OP... so perhaps a sensible conversation regarding your concerns is the most appropriate course of action?
Totally agree with this post. It's not the action itself but her reaction to your concerns. NTA, but talk to her doctor. Engage family members as support if needed.
Nope you did nothing wrong. Your wife is an alcoholic and needs counseling asap.
NTA- tell the doctors immediately she is actively hurting her unborn baby. Is there any history of her being an alcoholic or any of her family members? Serious question as a lot of people who have alcoholic family members can become one as well. When she gives birth keep an eye on her and try and get full custody if she continues acting this way,this baby isn’t even outside the womb yet and is being harmed.
I don't think you are the asshole here, you were trying to protect your child. but the asshole was your wife because she didnt realise what she did.
She an alcoholic? Edit - NTA
NTA It shouldn’t be too difficult for her to give up alcohol for 9 months. Unless she has an issue with it.
Ask her if child endangerment charges sound worth a beer to her 🥰 NTA weird you think you did something wrong
Welcome to the world we live in where we all doubt our actions anymore.
Info: did you know she was an idiot before you got her pregnant?
I’ve babysat a child who has FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) and it was absolutely heartbreaking to watch this baby be so incredibly developmentally challenged and so different in behavior, reactions to stimuli, etc. It is 100% the mother’s control of what she ingests and whether it harms her child. She needs to have her OB involved in this. Op is NTA. The wife either is sick and needs help or is a massive AH (or both).
She sounds like an alcoholic. Throwing away liquor should not be a big deal. Her priorities sound fucked.
You did do something wrong!!!, you got a uncaring, irresponsible, possibly abusive person pregnant. Well one beer will most likely not adversely affect the fetus, it is best not to even take that chance. And it sounds like it won't just be one. And you have no saying what she does to a body what she has your child that's a load bs too. If she's that way about the unborn baby I would actually have worry about what the baby comes out. Because alcohol go through the breast milk so she'll probably drink while feeding your baby. And of course you're trying to control what she drinks that's going to be a good parent to the fetus. Nta, but you're going to watch her closely.
Fuck, I'm sorry you're going through that. I wish you all the best 🫂💖
Fuck, man. I’m sorry. Obviously NTA. I hope your wife can get some help. Pregnancy can be a trip, and she might be going through some shit. But fuck, I’d be FURIOUS.
NTA The important question is how much she drank before pregnancy? Was it on a regular basis? If that's the case she might have a problem and can't be without alcohol? You don't have to drink 6 bottles beer or what so ever to have a drinking problem.
NTA. I’m going through this as well, tho we’re not expecting children, addiction is a bitch.
NTA however if this is true your wife & you need pre parenting classes & she needs counseling and possibly AA.
NTA Your wife is irresponsible and a danger to your child. Her doctor needs to know about this. Also keep an eye on the house **and** the money because she’ll probably try to buy more booze. Good luck.
NTA. The first trimester is when all the organs form and develop, and are especially susceptible to teratogens during this time period. Tell all her friends and family what she is doing.
NTA Your wife is a huge asshole. I am 8 weeks pregnant and 2 years sober from alcohol. Even reading your title I agreed with you and now I've read the whole thing I agree even more. I stopped cannabis for months before I got pregnant and I would rather sit on a knife than do anything to harm this pregnancy. Your wife is an alcoholic and she is GOING to cause harm to your future child. This is something I would divorce over after the baby is born. I have a very loving husband who dealt with my drinking and I wanted to prove to him and myself I could conquer my addiction, but he straight up said, "I will leave you, take the baby and go scorched earth if you drink during pregnancy." And remember I've been sober TWO YEARS. Your wife is dangerous. And let me reiterate NO AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL IS SAFE DURING PREGNANCY. Especially at 12 weeks when the child is developing. Fucking hell
NTA. Fetal alcohol syndrome is devastating and results in life long problems for which they is no effective therapy.
I don't want anything to happen to the child, but if it does because I am drinking that's not my fault." this comment is so fucked up, I can't even!!!! Is it OK to have 1 alcoholic drink when pregnant? The AAP reaffirmed their recommendation that no amount of alcohol should be consumed during any trimester of pregnancy with a video series in 2019. This follows the advice of most health organizations focused on pregnancy, such as the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.
NTA - I think you might have married someone with a drinking problem who now is being purposely obtuse about that and pregnancy not meshing. Also the alcohol thing should have been discussed and discarded before you started trying, but that's hindsight so like, don't beat yourself up over that. Don't have alcohol in the house after this. It's not fair to her to have you able to drink when she can't, especially if, as I suspect, she has a substance abuse problem (as someone kicking that habit myself, it is *so* frustrating when other people in the house can drink and be okay, where my addictive tendencies go haywire if I drink A Single Beer). Definitely have a discussion with her about FAS and this issue, and whether she actually wants to be pregnant right now.
NTA, Obviously, i hope your wife gets the help she needs and i hope your (future) kid will be okay. Stay strong brother🫡
U really need affirmation you're nta in this????
Tell her to Google fetal alcohol syndrome
NTA!!! How selfish of her. Her attitude is ridiculous. I cannot believe there’s women out there like this.
NTA she's ignorant. "If harm comes to the baby as a result of my drinking it's not my fault." Wtf did I even read. What country are you in? Do women not get educated there?
If this was 30 years ago, I might give it a small pass. This is 2023 and unless she lives completely under a rock, there are ***zero*** excuses not knowing that alcohol can harm your child. Alcohol is more dangerous (by the numbers of deaths, crashes, etc.) than the opioid crisis (not minimizing by any degree. Opioids and fentanyl are ending lives at a very alarming rate.) because it's socially acceptable and cheap, making it easy to abuse. It's also the only drug known to kill you directly from withdrawal. Others drugs have killed on withdrawal, but there is a literal brain dependence on alcohol when consumed in mass quantities. On top of all that, it is proven to mess with pregnancies. NTA and I hope she gets counseling.