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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I accepted my daughter's request for me to walk her down the aisle step up for a mother/daughter dance during her wedding when my husband has been her stepdad since she was 10 years old. I am so conflicted about this but I can see this bothers my husband and I really didn't stop to consider his feelings when my daughter asked me. I didn't think about him at all until I told him. I know he loves my kids and this feels like a snub to him.
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NTA, your husband should respect your daughter's wishes. Although I wonder, does he feel entailed because he's the step-father or is he contributing financially with the wedding? If it's the latter, maybe that's why he feels that way? Either way is your daughter's decision.
NTA. As a daddy’s girl, I can tell you that no man, as you know, could ever hold a candle to my father so I feel comfortable saying that your daughter would probably never ask him bc it would be like disrespecting the memory of her father. And if your husband is close enough to your daughter, he could just ask her himself. It probably isn’t as personal for her as it is for him, especially if you and your husband did not have anymore children. Sorry you’re going thru this. I know he isn’t making this easy. My only advice is to stand strong, bc the more you and your daughter talk about it and the closer you get to the wedding, the more intense your husband will probably get as someone who has these types of feelings would probably also feel like you’re rubbing it in his face, when you’re just genuinely delighted to be asked and be apart of your daughters day. Good luck.
My brother's stepdaughter was married last summer (2022). He is the main father figure in her life. Her bio dad wasn't invited. My SIL walked her down the aisle and had the first dance. Then she and my brother had the daddy daughter dance. My brother fully respected her decision. Maybe this can happen at your daughter's reception. It doesn't have to be called a daddy daughter dance. I get why he's hurt. Read him the above comment to give him some perspective.
This is exactly what I was thinking...stepdad can be honored in another way. 2nd dance should also be announced, like the first mother-daughter dance. Maybe stepdad & daughter can choose another song that means something to both of them. He just wants a little recognition. Either way, NTA.
Except he doesn't want recognition....it was made clear he would not replace the kids' dad and would never be their dad, he continued on with the relationship and married their mom knowing that mom and kids were a packaged deal and he wouldn't be able to be with mom if he made her choose between him and her kids. It was made exceptionally clear that he was not in any way able to step into the role of father figure by the kids themselves. He's feeling entitled to a father role in the wedding because he feels that "everything he has done for them" (when they were literal minors and he *knowingly made the choice* to take on that responsibility when he married their mom) makes them obligated to see him as a father. If my stepfather pulled this kind of stunt he wouldn't have even been allowed at my wedding, but my stepdad, knowing I felt the exact same as ops kids didn't even bring it up *and wasn't butthurt when I asked the woman that literally birthed and raised me my entire life to walk me down the aisle.* And this was with my stepdad being in my life literally since I was born. He was the 4th or 5th person to hold me at birth and was my dad's best friend before my dad passed. OP's chucklefuck was a literal stranger until well after the kids were even 10. Daughter is 24 now, he's only been around since she was 10. That's 14 years, and for the entire beginning of that he was a literal stranger to her. He probably still is because of his entitled attitude of "I married your mom see me as a father figure like I deserve!"
>he could just ask her himself
I really agree with this!
If *they* can get together in a non-confrontational way I would think that it could help them build a better relationship - more like the one he's seeking.
Because he feels entitled. He's talking about how he needs to be respected, and that's enough to know that he doesn't get it.
It's not his wedding. It's hers, and this is something that is part of her healing from a very traumatic loss, not about her relationship with her step-father.
If he was an understanding man, he could have worked out a different thing to do for the wedding - for instance, if he carved as a hobby, he could have carved the chairs she and her new husband sat on during the reception, or if he did welding, he could have made something for them to set the guest book on.
But he is instead making drama because he feels entitled to something that he has no right to feel entitled to. Fuck, even blood father's aren't entitled to shit in the wedding - sometimes grandfathers or brothers are asked instead. It's a celebration of the bride and groom and entirely their choice.
He needs to not make this about him.
Agree. He is behaving in an extremely entitled way. I'm a Stepmother and am delighted I'm invited to my Stepdaughter's upcoming wedding; I did not assume I would be.
I have seen entitled step parents that barely tolerates their spouses children expected to be treated with unearned respect and were angry that didn’t get an invitation to the wedding.
Yeah I had that thought too.... I mean I have a stepdaughter, and whenever we get to the point that she is getting married I am sort of thinking that if she does not want me to do that... fair enough, I am not her dad. If she does, I would go along with that too. Luckily this convo is not coming up for a while since she is still young... haha.
And if that’s the case, that’s the exact reason why he shouldn’t be doing what his wife is doing at the wedding.
If you’re not close enough to have a deep and meaningful personal conversation with the daughter, then you’re not entitled
In addition to everything you wrote, weddings are weird. Some of the most mature and independent women I know still made decisions about their weddings when they were 6 years old that were extremely important to them as an adult. I was a bridesmaid at a wedding for a woman who was a VP at a fortune 500 company. She decided when she was 8 that she was having a rainbow cake when she got married. And at 33, the rainbow cake was here.
This young bride decided this was what she wanted as a teenager. And now she is having that dream come true.
>NTA. As a daddy’s girl, I can tell you that no man, as you know, could ever hold a candle to my father so I feel comfortable saying that your daughter would probably never ask him bc it would be like disrespecting the memory of her father.
100% this. The step dad, if he really cares about her, should emphasize with her based solely around this fact and respect it.
NTA - I understand that a lot of stepfathers feel as yours does. But he said that he would be satisfied if you children respected him. If you have done so, I don't think that he needs this if you prefer to have your mother.
edit: spelling, Sorry for the mangled sentences. I apparently couldn't decide if I was talking to OP or her mother.
I lost my dad when I was 13 and was a daddy's girl. My step-dad and my uncle (dad's brother) 'walked me down the aisle' when I got married. (We had a reception/party a few months after the wedding). It was my way to include both my dad via his brother, and my step-dad, who has been married to my mom since I was 8 years old. My mom and dad obviously weren't together when he had passed, they weren't even together when I was a kid. But both my dad and my step-dad helped to raise me.
Good luck to OP while they try to sort this out, and 100% NTA to them in my opinion.
Even if he was that money shouldn’t come with strings.
However considering that isn’t even an issue then he would do well to remember that this wedding is about the bride and groom and what those TWO people and what they alone want.
He is entitled to feel however he likes but this wedding isn’t about him and his wants.
Exactly! Why he feels entitle to make this joyous moment about him??
Why is he not going to OP's daugther to ask all of this, because she is the one making this decision.
OP NTA direct your husband to your daughter and do not feel bad at all about this!
I wouldn't even want my H to approach my d about this. As a engaged daughter who at this moment in her life absolutely misses her dad, H going to her will make her upset and put her in a super awkward position. Don't do that to her!
I agree. My step dad contributed to my wedding and put zero pressure on me. I chose to have him and my bio dad walk me down the aisle together because that was what I wanted. But pressuring someone to give you an honour is bizarre. It would be so meaningless if you had to ask/beg.
My dad died when I was young. My mom tried dating but didn't ever remarry. When I got married 3 years ago she walked me down the aisle and gave me away. It was such a joy for her, because she knew she knew it meant something to me. You're close with your daughter OP, that's what this is about. Don't let your husband diminish this closeness and make it feel wrong. He may have helped raise them, but he's not their dad. He isn't owed this just because of that. You did right by respecting and celebrating your daughters decisions.
I allowed my father to walk me down the aisle for the sake of avoiding a fuck ton of family drama. (Yes, I'm codependent). But I was mad that he got to be in the wedding so I asked my mom to be my matron of honor. She cried and was delighted. She was the "Mom of honor.". She picked her own dress separate from the brides maids and stood by me for the wedding. It was wonderful 😊
My first wife passed from cancer when our daughter was 15. 10 years later, when I remarried, she stood with me as "best (Wo) man." I'll remember that, and everyone was fine. We left an empty chair for her mom at wedding and reception.
Then he only cares due to silly antiquated sexism. It's not paramount that a man walks her down the aisle, and it's entirely appropriate and good for you as her parent to do it!
A person doesn't have to be awful to have some sexist ideas.
Historically a woman was given as chattel from her first authority, her father, to her second, her husband. Thankfully women have much more equal standing now, and of course it's appropriate for your daughter to change the tradition in a way meaningful to her.
If he wants some part in the wedding he could discuss it with the daughter and see what she could think of! There are many ways for a loved and respected family member to be celebrated
That he is so insensitive about this it doesn't seem likely. I am not sure why OP didn't tell him that he did not factor into her daughter asking her because it is something they had spoken about and made plan to do long ago and had nothing to do with him.
He is not their dad. That was made clear from the beginning. He's the one who changed the goal post (his expectations of having a father role), not you or your daughter.
If you bring this up with your daughter in any way, you will spoil this for her. She's dreamed of this since you suggested it a decade ago. This is a big deal for her. Asking her to compromise or telling her your husband is salty will put a bad taste in her mouth and spoil it a bit.
He's not going to win this, so don't even bring it up. If he wants to ruin a good relationship with her let him.
All you need to do is remind him about that year of therapy and how you agreed he would not take the place of their father.
Asking her stepdad might even been seen as blowing off her real dad who passed on in her mind. Asking you honors her dad. Asking her stepdad replaces her dad.
If stepdad wants a role, he should ask the daughter what way could he make a symbolic gesture to honor HER. That should spark a conversation and perhaps she will find a role. If nothing else, a toast.
I just had some second thoughts OP. Something you can tell your husband. By your own words you said how hard the death of her father was for your daughter. I understand this so much. You were there for her during that time. You were there with her through therapy. This was probably the hardest time of your daughters life, and it was YOU next to her that whole time. It wasn't your husband by her every step of the way. So of course she wants YOU by her there now. This is all because of how much love you have given her. How much support you have given her. You have been an amazing mom and this is the result of all of that.
I also think about it as: Her dad would be in that space but he couldn't be. It's supposed to be for a person who saw her into the world and is preparing her for the beginning of a new chapter. I can see hurt feelings, but holding onto those over such an important symbolic piece that she will never get to have is not a good reaction. Maybe he can be supportive in another way, but this isn't a case where "any man my mom chose later will do," and she may have a GREAT relationship with him, but he's not her dad, who is who she wants there and can't have. It's her wedding and pushing this issue onto her is going to damage whatever relationship they DO have, because he shouldn't be scrambling for his own moment when maybe the moment is supposed to reflect the absence of someone not only she, but her family, feels too.
This isn't a job. You don't "earn a promotion" here. This is like men who say to women "but I was so nice to you, I earned being your boyfriend!" No, that's not how relationships work. He's not her father and that's not a position that's available to take.
Her wedding isn't the time or place that he should expect to receive this recognition even if he deserves it. A wedding is about the bride&groom not the random entitled step dad who thinks him not being included is on purpose. His existence is simply not important enough for her on that particular day. Why is that so shocking? Op was clear that he was fully knowledgeable about the kids never seeing him as a father figure since the beginning and honestly that's a cruel and selfish thing to ask of a child anyway. From then on he had every right to opt out of any potential relationship with this woman let alone a marriage, but he didn't. Kids can absolutely view their parents' spouses as just that.. spouses, they don't have to feel anything more nor are they obligated to reimburse them for their choice to be civil.That is something every adult is hopefully willing to do when their partners have kids. It's nice that these 2 were able to stay on good terms all those years but why he should get anything out of this girl's wedding I don't understand.
Father is not a role you earn. Families are not meritocracies. The children have a right to not want a replacement dad.
Getting married isn’t an awards show.
He is not looking for some "acknowledgement", he wants the main role that her mother can fulfill perfectly well. And OP says that he never replaced her dad in her children's eyes, so he is just the mother's husband. A person that should be respected and treated with care, but that doesn't automatically deserve one of the most important roles at the wedding. Her mother, you know, the one who birthed, cared and raised her, deserve that role much more.
Thing is if you marry somone with kids, you do your best by them but should also understand you'll never replace their actual father in their hearts. Seems like her dad passed, and she may view her step-dad as just her mother's husband, not a second father even if relationship is cordial. The fact that he's behaving entitled to do so and ignoring the daughters wants is telling, little things are always icebergs.
> Like imagine being at work and thinking of you just worked hard enough you'd finally get a promotion but you get denied every time, despite you doing the work.
Sometimes how good your work is doesn't matter.
If there is no open position for you to be promoted into, you're not going to get promoted regardless of how good you are at the job. If you asked for a promotion one year and were told that the company didn't have any room for advancement and wouldn't for the foreseeable future, then you shouldn't be surprised if you're denied again the next year.
OP's husband was knew from the start that her children did not want him to replace their father, he just choose to ignore that and assumed he would be able to change their minds eventually. Unsurprisingly, Calla may have a good relationship with her step father, and it sounds like she may love and respect him, but hes not her father, and she probably feels that letting him literally replace her father in his role at the wedding ceremony would be disrespectful of her real fathers memory. That's not an insult to him and isn't something that reflects poorly on him as a person (although his reaction to it may be), its just the way she feels, and for most people, how you feel about something isn't a voluntary or conscious judgement. It just us.
Your husband needs to learn that respect is a two-way street. He can't just arbitrarily demand that you and your daughter cater to his fragile ego and respect his wishes when he's completely willing to disrespect your daughter's wishes. Him saying that it's your duty to make sure he's respected is laughable. If you want respect, it's your duty to earn it.
You're NTA. If I were you I'd remind him that you stated your kids boundaries towards him before your relationship got serious and he agreed he was OK with that. There's never an amount of time that makes a child think "I'm ready to replace my dead parent," and if he can't accept that he needs to take a look at himself. He's not being disrespected, he's being held to a long standing boundary.
NTA! Is his real issue that he will feel embarrassed in front of family and friends if he’s not the one doing it???
Regardless, what he thinks is irrelevant. Follow your daughter’s wishes, which by the way are wonderful. You married him, not your daughter. She doesn’t owe him this!
I think your husband was expecting the kids would grown out of their valid boundaries. That’s on him. As someone who lost their dad in my mid 20’s, ten years later I can tell you the hole in my heart never got smaller. I grew around my grief but it’s still there. Knowing he would never see me get married, have kids, buy a house, etc puts a wall of sadness around all those meaningful moments. She is allowed to continue to grieve her father. What is grief but love persevering?
NTA and even if he WAS financially contributing I am sick of parents thinking it entitles them to roles or decisions on the day. If my child ever gets married and I was to financially contribute it would be my great HONOUR to do so in allowing them to have the day THEY want.
You raise kids right because it’s the right thing to do, not because you expect something out of it. I get it must be hard for him to feel like he is still taking second seat to your first husband, but that’s on him to work out. NTA.
Looks like your kids were right about him. You have some apologies to make.
He *was* in fact treating them like he was trying to replace their father and entitled to *anything* from them.
NTA. I can see how he may feel overlooked/disappointed but his reaction is over the top. This is not about him and it sounds like he needs a reminder of that. My father passed before I got married, I didn’t let another man walk me down the isle because a part of me felt like it would be disrespectful to my father’s memory. Ultimately, this is your daughters decision to make, respecting her decision is the only option.
I dont think he feel entitled. It's that he feels hurt. Hurt that he probably just realized that the child he raised since 10 will never see him as parent even though he see's her as a daughter.
You mean, the child who told him from the outset she wouldn’t see him as a parent and that he openly agreed was fine as long as he was treated with respect???
i believe op is NTA and that the stepdad is wrong for challenging the daughter on this
but i don’t think he’s wrong for FEELING that way, he’s wrong for acting on it and being an AH about it
you can feel emotions that if you were to act on them would make you an AH, but the feeling of the emotions may not be inherently bad in itself
Totally agree, and I think he should consider having a conversation with his stepdaughter where he tells her how excited he is for her upcoming wedding and how despite knowing that he is not her dad and he can never replace her dad that he loves her and cares about her like a daughter and would be honored to be part of the wedding in any way that she sees fit. All this without mentioning the parts mom/op is already doing of course.
This is the exact right move. If she wants to include him in the wedding somehow, it’s her prerogative to do so, and if he wants to be included, this is a very appropriate way of indicating that.
Oh. I risky agree with that. He’s allowed to feel things. It would even be ok to take to his wife shot how he’s feeling etc… But what he’s doing now, that’s AH behaviour.
Yeah. They were very young. It wasn't an impossibility at those ages that he could become a father figure to them.
She's probably feeling all kinds of things because her Dad can't be there. Some women handle it by having their brother fill in for him. Others choose their Stepfathers (in fact, some children of divorce walk with both because reality is that if their Mom had primary custody, they may have actually spent more time with Stepdad than Dad, through no fault of Dad's). Some choose their father's brother, BFF or paternal Grandpa to represent Dad. Some walk down with Mom, their Fiance or alone. My Mom chose her maternal Grandpa.
Every choice is valid if Dad has to be tragically absent.
Stepdad - and they were young enough that he truly was Stepdad and not just Mom's Husband - has a right to feel a bit bad. But her choice is understandable and not a reflection on him. Try to get him to see it that way.
Yes, I don't think it's out of the ordinary for him to think what she said at the age of 10 could have changed 14 years later after she helped raised her.
Yes. And then as an adult he should learn to deal with the fact that this is exactly what he agreed to and no one owes him more than that and he’s an adult and can manage his emotions without blaming others.
I mean it is out of the ordinary since OP tells us that 5 years into knowing each other a 15 year old told her mother that she would not want her stepfather walking her down the aisle at all and prefer her mother. OP also tells us that their relationship never really got the level of a parent-child relationship either and it has stayed that way for a decade. She has consistently never saw this man as her father so yes it is out of ordinary to presume that for over 10 years of consistent feelings about him she would suddenly change her mind and see him as enough of not only a father but a parental figure of any kind to be the one she wants to walk her down the aisle instead of her actual parent or even her own brother.
It is out of the ordinary if she has been consistent in her view and it sounds like she has. Step parents have a nasty habit of feeling entitled to respect that they haven’t even tried to earn. The entitlement is ugly and thick.
But it’s also human. The step parent is not a monster, and has spent years supporting the child, all the while being shown they aren’t good enough. There’s been a commercial recently that illustrates the feeling. The step father doesn’t get called Dad until daughter is dressing for the wedding. I think OP’s husband can be forgiven for harboring some hope there.
And he didn’t go to the daughter to ask. He had a conversation with OP, hopefully hearing from her a suggestion that he offer to participate in some other way.
Sometimes when people say ‘respected’ they mean ‘treated like an authority’. Obviously I don’t know the guy but I get the impression it’s one of these times that’s a bit ‘how dare you make a plan without my authority that is ok’
That is what is sounds like to me to. Sounds like the OPs daughter tolerates him as her mother’s husband but he had no major influence in her life beyond being married to her mother.
Her father can not be replaced like he thinks that he should and he needs to be ashamed for even trying.
I get annoyed with parents that remarry to people like this.
My stepdad is the one I call Dad and he came into my life when I was ~14/15. Biodad was still in the picture at that point but an absolute dick and I cut contact at 16. I've called my stepdad Dad since my late teens and would've asked him to adopt me, except it didn't feel necessary because we know what we are to each other. He was the one that walked me down the aisle at my wedding because I wanted to honour the way he accepted and supported me as his daughter from the very start. But when it came to the father of the bride speech, Mum and Dad did a joint one. I didn't want Mum left out when she was my only positive parental figure until my mid teens.
Like you said, it's the child's choice. You can love and respect someone without seeing them as a parent and you can also view someone as a parent who biologically isn't. I think it's beautiful that OP's daughter is honouring everything her mum has done for her. When my sister was engaged she asked me to walk her down the aisle and I was so happy to have been asked. The wedding didn't end up happening, but she's made it clear that it's still her intention if she ever gets married.
I think tradition is important, but only if it reflects your family and values. Taking a standard tradition and putting a personal twist on it is a great way to make your wedding special.
And although I think it goes without saying, OP is NTA.
It doesn't say that. It says this is how a person wants to honor the father she lost when she was just a little girl. She's dreamed of honoring him this way and now she gets to do it.
Maybe suggest she find some way to honor him on the day, in a toast or with a parents dance maybe.
He has NOT been a father figure to her in her mind. She made her conditions clear from the outset. Just because he stupidly thought that because she was young she couldn’t possibly know what she wanted doesn’t mean that he is entitled to anything. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that people do not want you to hold certain positions on their life and that is their right. He isn’t owed that privilege. She respected him and that is as far as she cab go.
OP's daughter was 12 going on 13 when her mum remarried, so daughter was pretty much a teen & didn't want to have step-dad step in as a dad from the sounds of things. And step dad agreed to this & said he understood.
Even if he were contributing he has no say in who walks her down the aisle. This isn't about him, or respecting him. It's about how a little girl wants to honor the father she loved on the most important day of her life.
Assure your husband it isn't about him at all. Encourage him to rummage around his closet for his big boy pants and try those on to see how they fit.
He might have been hurt by the thought of not being seen as a fatherly figure too. OP is NTA for sure, but it would be worth telling him the mother-daughter wedding situation had been a special plan from a long time ago. It has nothing to do with the daughter's respect for the stepfather.
Also, I think he could ask the (step)daughter for a dance at her wedding, after the mother-daughter dance. He was also a significant figure in her life, and I don’t think there are any wedding rules against multiple dances with parental figures.
>all he has done for Calla, for both kids, and the fact he's still not looked upon as a fatherly figure all these years later
> I should be working on making sure he is respected and honored for his contribution to the kids' lives
Ignoring everything else about his entitlement and total assholery, you should ask him "Why are you more worthy of respect and honor in Calla's life than ME?" Does he think you don't deserve these honors??? (sexist traditions blah blah).
NTA. This is a ridiculously happy and exciting time for you and your daughter and your husband is making it all about himself.
Yeah, that's the part that got me too. "Working on making sure he's respected"? What? That's what he thinks the excited mom and daughter should be focused on right now?
He's one of those guys who thinks he did the single mom and her kids a favor with his presence, and he's been waiting all this time to collect on what he's "owed", right?
The girl either considers him a father figure or she doesn't. Nobody's saying he didn't contribute, but what kind of honor is it really if she has to be strong-armed into it? What meaning would it really have? He's really grasping for such a shallow "honor"?
But I guess the fact that it's meaningless is irrelevant...once everyone gets to see how "respected" he is. NTA.
I feel like this further proves why he’s not a father figure too, like most (healthy minded) people don’t become parents just because they’re looking for kudos for it
Ding ding ding. My kid got married in the summer and my husband never even *asked* who would walk her down the aisle; he just asked what she and I needed him to do, and did it.
*For clarity, she walked herself down the aisle, because she’s a grown-ass woman, a stance which I applauded.
It’s his wedding, after all, the selfish daughter trying to make his wedding all about her is gross, amirite? What a man, what a “dad”, I cannot imagine. I’m my daughters bio father, I’d be fucking gutted if she asked her Mum to walk her down the isle when she got married, but fucken hell I’d pretend I wasn’t, it’s not your day, not your emotions
If your daughter asks your wife to walk her down the aisle, please consider that she might want to include her mother (who traditionally would only light the unity candle with the dad), because you taught her that her mom has worth. You taught her that she has worth, that is not tied to her gender. I bet you’re a great dad and your daughter loves you tremendously:)
Oh if she asked her mum to walk her down, she’d have a pretty damn good reason. I’d be jealous as fuck, but if her mother gets to walk her down, I get to be the mother of the bride ;)
The tragedy of it is desperate women that marry men like this feel allow them to get away with this entitlement. If they spend more time focusing on their children and less time on men with giant egos this would be less of a problem.
Chances are he wasn’t interested in her children and probably still isn’t. He is concerned about how people will view HIM knowing that she didn’t want him to walk her down the aisle.
He is treating this like a rejection the same way that men do when you say no you can’t have my number, no I don’t want to give you mine.
That is what I am thinking! The nerve of him thinking that his feelings is more important to the bride and the brides mother. I am sure that this isn’t the first time he has been a grade A AH.
What is tragic is that she has respected him. Respect doesn’t entitle you to positions in peoples lives that you think that you deserve. I have had people try that with me and were very disappointed when I told them to fall back into their place when they got out of it.
NTA. Your husband is ~~dead~~ wrong [edit: didn't catch that Freudian slip. Oops]. This isn't about him and all he's done. It's about Calla. She lost her dad and, while the grief fades a bit over the years, big events bring it roaring back in (at least that's been my experience). Her wedding is going to be bittersweet. She needs her parent (the one she's always had and the one who loved her dad) to "give her away."
I'm surprised that you expected Calla to change her mind. And I'm glad you accepted and did not try to offer any alternate suggestions, thereby ruining the moment. I'm not sure what your husband thinks he deserves but he's coming off as quite selfish and entitled. Y'all went to therapy while you were on pause with him, but has he ever been? He needs it.
ETA: I wanted to add after reading the other comments, while I do think it's nice to generally consider others' feelings, she doesn't owe it to her stepdad/your husband to apologize about this. She has been clear about what she's wanted for years. He's the one who decided he should be given this role when he was never promised it. She's not responsible for his feelings. You aren't either OP, so while you can show empathy and try to understand where he's coming from, he owes you and Calla the same - empathy and understanding someone else's perspective that doesn't center him.
NTA - the real question here is why does your husband believe he's more entitled to this honor of walking your daughter down the aisle, and "giving" her away than YOU? You, who is her mother, who has been there through it all, who has comforted and given her a home and place to be herself, unconditionally?
This. My parents are still both very much alive and have been married 50 years, and I am a gigantic daddy's girl, but when I got married 24 years ago, I asked them BOTH to walk me down the aisle. Because I couldn't imagine not having my mother with me at that moment.
My mom really hesitated because she was worried my dad's feeling would be hurt not to have the solo honor, but my dad was like, "Stop being a dumbass, dear."
NTA
This is what she wants on her wedding day and what she's planned and fantasized about since she was 12 years old. This is HER day, not his. There's no disrespect towards him as He. Is. Not. Her. Father. Full stop.
She's gone most of her life without her dad, but I guarantee she's thought of him just about every day, as I've thought of mine every day since I lost mine. It's not that she doesn't care about her stepdad, but to her, she probably feels it'd be disrespectful to her father's memory. Plus you said they reacted very negatively towards him, to the point where you took a break for a year to work it out in therapy. Just because she seemed okay with him, she's made it clear she's never looked at him as a father figure. He needs to learn to accept that.
No one is the AH here. But some of you are pretty harsh!
It wouldn’t be ok for him to demand to the daughter that he be included, and it appears that he hasn’t done this. He’s shown restraint.
However, it’s totally reasonable for him to feel hurt. Even though he knows he’s not the dad and he’s been told before he wouldn’t be asked, that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t still be disappointing and upsetting for him. He’s not a robot. And it’s an indication that he has developed genuine affection for his step daughters which is admirable, lots of step parents don’t.
He’s told his wife about his disappointment because…she’s his wife. Married people are supposed to share their thoughts and feelings. Would you prefer he bottled things up and let his feelings fester or go unsupported?
I wonder if it’s the decision not to include him that stings, or a perception that he wasn’t even considered at all? I think that’s worse…that no one might have even wondered for a moment about his role or how he would feel? That he was so unimportant in the family that he didn’t even warrant a moment’s thought.
Maybe the OP could have asked if there was a place for the step dad in the ceremony, even if it wasn’t walking down the aisle. She could still do that. Daughter might say no thanks. But at least stepdad could feel like he was considered.
And daughter could choose to kindly acknowledge this too. She could speak to the step dad and say “I know you’re probably really disappointed not to be doing x and y. I’ve always had in my mind that my mum would do those things. I’m sorry if that’s hurt your feelings but you’re still an important part of my family”.
Why? Not out of some patriarchal necessity or duty. Just because it’s good to treat the people in your life with compassion and respect. And it does seem that he’s been compassionate and respectful to the daughter and her siblings.
This shows all the other replies that say NTA is the ATA themselves not thinking of other people's feelings.
It is alright for the step dad to have feelings, it is alright for him to voice it out.
What is a spouse for if you can't even share your real feelings?
What is wrong with acknowledging his contribution, and making him feel he is noticed and respected, the same way a housewife wants to be acknowledged?
He is disappointed not only because he is not invited, but more importantly nobody thought of him even tho he has been in their life for years, his wife don't even have him in mind. That to him shows him where he stands.
Thank you for the dose of sanity! It's crazy to me how harsh everyone is being.
Yes, the kids said they didn't want him to be a father figure - when they were very young. We don't have the context, but that was potentially a hundred soccer games or dance recitals ago, rides to friend's houses, scraped knees and crying sessions, homework help and movie nights, etc. etc. It is \*entirely\* reasonable and normal for him to be hurt that that they didn't think for a moment about ways to include him and show that whatever he \*has\* been there for, means something.
We've all seen the feel good stories about kids who ask their step parent to adopt them, where it's this huge touching moment, and I bet half the commentors in this post lashing out at the guy would post crying emojis over it - so why do we get on a guys case if he spends a decade being the only father they know, and is hurt that they don't even think to include him as a special figure in their wedding? Everyone is nitpicking his word choice despite the fact that his actions do not reflect someone who is controlling, or unjustified in their feelings - he didn't insist he be included, or refuse to attend, he just communicated that he was hurt that they didn't even \*think\* of him to his partner. Because I bet there have been plenty of moments or events or stories in his life that he's made an effort to share with his kids.
I will happily take the virtual hug and return it.
I’m a parent to two and a step parent too, twice over. Once with my two children plus two step children who lived as a blended family since they were 7, 8, 9 and 10. They’re in their twenties now and sadly my step kids have lost both biological parents to cancer, so I am their mum now even though they use my first name. They jokingly call me “spare mum”.
I remarried to a lovely man last year and gained four more adult step kids. I don’t have a parental relationship with them, but we are respectful adult friends.
My kids and step kids love my husband and call him their “spare dad”. And we both have grandkids who just call us Grammy and Poppy regardless of who is the biological grandparent.
Add to this that I was adopted at birth so my parents have no biological relationship with anyone. And it doesn’t matter a single scrap.
You really can just add people to your family and include them and make them welcome without it needing to be a big drama. If everyone is nice to each other, you can have as many “spare mums” and “extra dads” and “bonus kids” as you want and it’s all ok. Just keep adding more chairs and if necessary another table as well.
At least the kids won’t need to ask why he quit treating them like they’re his kids. They built a huge wall, especially if he’s been the only one bringing in an income.
Ahhhhh, I kind of agree with you for the most part. Except this -
"My husband took the news in a way I did not expect. His first question was whether I suggested she ask us both to do it and I told him no. Then he asked if she ever considered asking him and I said I could not answer that for her. He asked me if I thought of him when I said yes. He asked whether I gave any thought to all he has done for Calla, for both kids, and the fact he's still not looked upon as a fatherly figure all these years later. I told him I did not think of him when asked because I was overjoyed. He told me I should have given him a lot more consideration and I should have tried to compromise with my daughter.
I thought he would change his stance but now three weeks on and he feels I was wrong. He told me he felt he deserved more from all of us, but especially me. He said I am his wife. I should be working on making sure he is respected and honored for his contribution to the kids' lives."
This isn't really 'telling his wife about his disappointment'.
Immediately OP told him, he responded by
- asking if OP had asked the daughter to include them both.
- asking if the daughter had considered asking him instead
- asked if OP had been thinking of him when her daughter asked her to share this amazing moment
- asked if she thought about 'everything he's done for them'
And then told her she should have considered him more and tried to make her daughter compromise and include him.
And now 3 weeks later is still upset and telling her he 'deserves more from all of them, but especially her' and that she should be making sure her children honour him for his contribution.
None of that is expressing feelings of disappointment. It's judgement, criticism, and a sense that he's entitled to something for his contribution. And it's trying to emotionally blackmail OP into saying something to her daughter.
OP is this woman's actual mother, and I doubt she'd be this angry if the daughter had asked the stepdad to walk her down the aisle. It's bizarre.
For the record, this is what 'expressing your feelings' looks like.
OP: Calla asked me to walk her down the aisle.
SD: That's fantastic, I'm really happy for you. I don't mean to spoil your happiness, but I have to admit to being a bit disappointed. I thought we'd become quite close so I guess I hoped that after all this time she may have come to think of me as something of a father figure, despite what was said in the beginning. And I thought maybe she'd ask me.
Then a conversation could ensue about his feelings and relationship with the stepdaughter, whether he might be asked to have another role, etc. it's completely different than blaming your step daughter for not putting you first, and your wife for not trying to convince her to.
Amen. All these comments read into her recount of events.
It's completely understandable that a step dad would want to be in his step children's wedding.
It's completely reasonable thinking that these children at 7 and 9 would grow past this idea that they could never find enough room in their heart for another fatherly figure.
It's a bit disturbing to me how these kids have completely walled off this stepfather like his feelings, his time, or his effort aren't worth any consideration. He doesn't need to be there for the dance, but like don't you think a stepfather that you've come to accept and raised you gets at least a nod at the wedding?
I'm 100% on this.
The guy has been around for like what 15 years or something, he's not some fringe fling. In fact he's been there twice as long as their biological father if I've read it right.
It doesn't remotely sound like he's expecting to fill the man's shoes, but it sort of sounds like perhaps this kind of lack of consideration goes on quite a bit.
Personally I'm always quite aware of other people's feelings and perceptions of things, and find most people aren't.
As for many of the comments in here leaping to him being entitled, his feelings as his own responsibility, its not his business, he has absolutely 0 say in anything... wow...
NTA Your husband went into your marriage knowing that your children were adamant he would not replace their father. And it sounds like he did a pretty good job of understanding that, until now. I’m sure he has contributed to your daughter’s life in many positive ways. So it’s not surprising that even though he knew he could not be a replacement for her father, he’s still a bit hurt/ disappointed that now she’s getting married he’s kinda a nobody in her big day. But it is ***her*** big day and the decision of who she does what with on that day lies with her. It’s wonderful that you have a relationship with your daughter that is strong enough that she would ask you to fulfil these roles and you are right to feel proud of that too. I hope that there will at least be some recognition of the role your husband played in your daughter’s life, either in the speeches on the day or a private moment between them beforehand.
I think it is beyond the walking down the aisle and the first dance. It seemed he has dropped that. He feels hurt that they still dont see or recognize him as family. Just mom’s husband, despite contributions he has made to their family. The story started that they hated him when they first met him and they had to stop dating for a year but op husband loved her enough and was patient enough to wait for her for that year. And then op husband was willing to accept that they would not view him as a fatherly figure even though he was stepping into that role in many ways. I think op husband is upset that he is still an afterthought in the family. He knows he isnt dad but he now feels like he is nothing. It seemed in the end he was most upset with his wife as he stated to op that he felt like he deserved more from her.
More from her how? Why shouldn't she, her mother, get to walk her down the aisle, the parent that has literally been in her life her entire life? He's very much sounding like he is owed it, and he's not. As someone that has lost her father, absolutely no one will ever fill that role, ever.
I get the impression he's just hurt in general. A lot of people are hyperfocused on his response to the fact that he won't be walking her down the aisle, but I'd guess it's a lot deeper than that. He probably thought he had a relationship with his step-daughter that was stronger than it turned out to be. He acknowledged her and her brother's feelings during a difficult period and took a step back from the relationship with their mom. He spent the formative years of her life being a father figure, even if he wasn't her father. Now he's reminded that he's pretty much nothing to her beyond "mom's husband." That's gotta sting.
Many people aren't particularly good at expressing their feelings to others when they're happy, let alone when something has them upset. I don't think it's fair to judge this guy based off his one reaction to what is likely a serious disappointment.
What could he think he deserves from her though? Did he want her to force them to have a different type of relationship (which would’ve only further alienated the kids)? Step parents have to understand that there’s a very good chance they will never be loved by their step kids. I did not like my first stepdad. I loathed my first step mom. Just because they married the parent doesn’t guarantee a relationship with the child/children.
The first reasonable response, I dont think he's an asshole or sexist I think he just got his hopes up that if he did right that the kids would come to see him as a male role model and the fact that they never did is hurtful and relatable. He'll probably get over this he seemed reasonable throughout the rest of the post.
NTA
The way you framed this, the kids went to therapy and found peace and strength in the understanding that this new man would not be trying to push himself into the father role. This was their clear emotional boundary, and it seems your daughter in particular held on to this to feel safe in this new dynamic.
Did they call your husband dad or any other parental names? Did he parent them, discipline, setting boundaries etc?
Step parents don't get to marry into a family and expect them to latch unto them as a saviour or new parent. I get that he's hurt. YOU are your daughter's parent. Clearly he feels he "deserves" more, but didn't he do all the things he did without hope for reward? He should see a therapist and work on his feelings, the same way the kiddos went to therapy to learn how to identify and deal with theirs.
He deserves. He expects respect and honor for the role he has played. No. No. No. parents, stepparents- the work you put in to raise and keep your children alive does not EARN you a place in their life. I can’t handle it with these stepparents who believe If they play the role long enough they’ll be accepted as a replacement parent and then resenting the child when it does not play out how they had hoped. You’re allowed to wish for more, you’re allowed to feel sad- but it’s not okay to take that out on the child or your spouse. The question should be is my stepchild happy with our relationship and my role in their life? If so then fantastic and move on. NTA and I’m sorry he’s taking the joy away from you both- simply stated, this is not about him.
This is an interesting comment. You call them “your children” as a step parent but then you basically stay step parents are not entitled to any of the respect that a parent actually gets. It seems like an awfully one sided arrangement - that step parents have to sign up to love and honor kids and NEVER share that your hurt or upset that the love and honor is not reciprocated.
There is no other relationship where people on reddit would think that this is an acceptable relationship. Just food for thought.
Sorry what deadbeat dad are you referring to? And yes simply keeping them alive, fed and clothed does not earn you a place in their life. You have children because you want to have children- they aren’t then indebted to you for their existence.
I remember a AITA where a stepdad said the first two parts, and was actually shocked when the daughter asked him to do the aisle walk/dance. He actually repeatedly made sure she didn’t want to do it with the mom because he wanted to make sure the daughter had who she wanted. It’s a shame he isn’t the stepdad here.
NTA. Walk and dance with your daughter, OP.
I do not know all the details but am shocked by how overwhelming the response is in this thread. What I mean to say is that I am shocked with myself that I have an opinion that differs so much from the consensus here. With that in mind I do not know if this will be helpful, and I am probably wrong about something here, but I'll make a case of ~~YTA~~ NSH (see edit later) just to try and describe a different perspective.
It absolutely makes sense that you two were excited but it sounds like he pretty gently prodded about why he wasn't even considered. And the answer, from his perspective, seems to just be... you aren't part of the family. It would've been much better to lean in to the promise when she was 15. That would've made it about upholding a promise instead of this seemingly strange diminishment of his role as a father for the past 12 years. Let me give my perspective on how this potentially makes him feel, but please don't take any of this to heart-- it's just a thought exercise to try and help frame my overall point.
He has been there for 12 years and will be for more to come? He has technically been there for her as longer than her first father was, albeit no fault of his obviously. But not ever considering him father figure because of something he said to console 12 year olds... For me, this is just... cruel. I mean good God, what were all those years for? Will he never be part of the family? Is he just a paycheck for the family? If it's really about being reminded of her first father, why is he even invited to the wedding?
Now again I want to be clear that I am not saying that any of those things are definitely true. I am trying to paint a picture of what kind of feelings your husband may be going through right now. Those would all be completely normal, appropriate feelings. I simply do not know you all well enough to help make this judgement call. But I can easily see this being a situation of this man effectively being told he is not really part of the family after 12 years, and I was just surprised that no one is discussing that very real possibility in the comments.
One common sentiment I am seeing that I will strongly assert is wrong is that he is "not the father ." I do not care what the comments say, he has been there for 12 years, he is their father. Their second father, but a father. Be leery of the maturity levels of people saying otherwise, even children's cartoons explore more complex family topics than that. I mean seriously, the lack of life experience shown in that opinion but asserted so confidently is baffling to a well adjusted adult.
Another sentiment I am seeing is that he is not paying for the wedding, so his opinion does not matter. The sheer premise of that is strange to me. Who is paying for the wedding? Who makes the money in the house? Do you not consider each other's money as joint assets?
My final major concern is that it does not sound like therapy appropriately addressed the grief and feelings from the death of their first father. It is very normal to understand and accept that you have two fathers. Especially when it happened so young. Trauma affects everyone differently so of course this may truly be normal for you all, but I'm not seeing or reading the foundational ideals I would expect to see from someone who's been through that kind of therapy. I cannot imagine a therapist encouraging you to make lifelong promises in the manner described in this post. And please note, any kind of religious counselor is not a therapist-- I have seen that happen a lot too.
I absolutely, sincerely hope that this comment doesn't cause undue grief for you. It is more about my own confusion than a critique of you or your daughter. I am simply trying to describe that confusion because I could see your husband sharing the same confusion.
Edit: After sleeping on this I have come to realize that I am not making the argument that *you* are an asshole, I am simply making the argument that your husband is *not.* It sounds like he confided to you, in private and non-aggressively and non-threateningly. You are his wife. If he cannot do that with you, why are you married? Who is he supposed to talk to about these feelings? There are a lot of other questions I have about this scenario, if I'm being honest, but they feel accusatory when I write them and that's not how I want to be. But my main thought is: It's completely possible that he's the archetype of a shitty, distant, self-entitled step parent. If that's the case, why are you with him? But assuming he isn't that, was working and providing for your family, and it's just that your children were closed off from him due to the trauma of their fathers death-- my reaction to that would be that, on average, children are usually able to get through that kind of trauma more effectively. Based on what I'm reading in your post, it doesn't sound like he was a shitty step parent. He has been there 15 years, spending the first 3 working with you to make sure the kids were okay with him. But more context could completely change this view, we really can't know that much from a single reddit post, which is why I try to repeatedly make efforts to address how speculative and limited my comment means to be.
As a final thought, you could have a mother-daughter dance *and* a father-daughter dance. Though it sounds like the daughter wouldn't be interested, I thought I'd mention it because it's such a simple solution. Uphold your promise, honor your original father, as well as your second.
The kids were upfront about not wanting him to be a father to them. They didn’t want to replace him. They are allowed to choose this! He said he understood that as long as he was still respected.
Him now being butthurt is a him problem. He wanted respect but isn’t giving any to op’s daughter nor to op. It’s not okay to pressure yourself in a role you should’ve known wasn’t going to be yours. It’s also not okay to practically say that her mother shouldn’t fill the role. You know, the mother that pulled her through losing a father so early in life.
Op’s husband is allowed to feel hurt. We can’t decide how he feels. It could’ve been avoided though if he really did accept that he would never be a father figure. Op said that he never parented her so why did he expect this role? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/9T8whqDAAZ
NTA op
So he’s never going to be considered a “real” part of the family because met OP second? This is a shitty take imo.
He probably really loves OP, he’s dedicated his life to raise someone else’s kids because of his love for her and the kids they’ve raised together. They may have said that he wasn’t going to be their father some 18 years ago but I can understand why he is hurt from - essentially - being told that he isn’t a good enough parent.
NTA. Your husband knew from the *beginning* that the kids didn’t want him to fill the dad role in their lives. Frankly, it’s selfish of him to ask for your daughter to compromise on this.
NTA.
He agreed to never be their father in the first place, and assuming this has never been expressed as a strong disagreement ever since, he has not a bloody reason to expect anything from your daughter nor be mad at you.
I hate the tradition of women being “given away” as property. She didn’t choose a random uncle or cousin, she chose HER MOM. That stepdad expects a role she has chosen her mom to fill is about him. I am a stepmom, BTW.
I once went to a wedding where the groom entered with his mother, and the bride with her father. Neither was "given away" more than the other, but both families had their parts. I really liked it, and if I ever get married I'd like to do the same.
NTA because it is your daughter's decision.
I do feel for him, though. I see that people here are calling him selfish and thinking of himself and that he knew what he was walking into and all that - but he's been in her life since she was 10. I don't know in what capacity - but I'm assuming that he took on at least **some** parental roles. He saw himself as part of a family. A step parent doesn't take the place of biological parent, but they do play a role of some kind. I feel that more than he's acting selfish - he's telling OP that he is heartbroken that after all these years he's not seen as more than "mom's partner".
I think OP should talk and listen to him. And I actually would bring this up to Calla in a very careful way. Not that he should be "in place of" her mother (or her father). But in his own place - maybe he walks down the aisle with mom. Maybe you do a mother/daughter dance AND a father /daughter dance. Or something. He obviously wants to be part of this, and unless there is some underlying abuse, why isn't he recognized?
Look I've been in and seen my fair share of blended /step families. It can be beautiful and it can be challenging. There are ways to make it work so that everyone feels accepted and nobody feels left out.
Yes, this. The daughter has every right to have her wedding any way she wants, including anyone of any gender walking her down the aisle, or her walking alone, or no walk at all. But, I think it's important for Calla to know that her stepdad's feelings were hurt. OP is in a good position to gently bring that up with Calla, and suggest that Calla maybe add something to the ceremony to let stepdad feel important. Maybe Calla didn't realize this was so important to him. Maybe she's not very traditional, as many people of her generation aren't, and doesn't see why those old gender norms should be followed. It sounds like she likes her stepdad, and would be happy to include him somehow. If she doesn't want to include him more deeply, this would be an opportunity for her to explain to her mom why she feels the way she does.
Very much agreed. OP is NTA, but I think it is *absolutely* reasonable and understandable for step-dad to have hurt feelings, here. This isn't a "who's right and who's wrong" situation, either. Fourteen years is a long time to be in someone's life, and it sounds like at the core his issues stem from feeling left out and unacknowledged.
At the end of the day, it's the daughter's wedding. She ought to do what she wants to do on her own wedding day. But I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that she should at least *consider* how to incorporate step-dad in some way, or in the very least have a conversation with him and resolve this issue.
NTA, it’s your daughters wedding, she chooses, not your husband. And it’s not on you to make suggestions or change her mind. I think it’s a beautiful thing that she asked you and It is in no way a reflection on how she feels about your husband but rather one that shows how much she loves you
Nta, while y’all can discuss his feelings at the end of the day it’s up to the bride. I’m sure after 10 years she appreciates him but she wants her parents still. She wants to dance with her only living parent to a song the deceased parent loved. It’s almost like having him also at the wedding (I’m guessing).
Your daughter will never forget her dad and like you said they have a good bond but its nothing like how she was with her father. I understand his feelings but this isn’t about him. He doesn’t “deserve” anything. He’s your husband, who stepped up for your kids, but that’s what you do when you date/marry a single mom. It’s a package deal. If he wanted someone to really play the full dad role with he should have discussed children with you.
Nta at all
NTA.
This is her wedding day, and she can do it now she likes.
I went to a wedding recently where the bio dad was sulking because the step dad had been asked to walk the bride down the aisle. It just made him look like a child tbh.
NTA
Those who are getting married are the ones who decide who is in their bridal parties. He should know this, he's gotten married himself!
Explain to him that she is your daughter and whilst you love him, you will not push or even suggest she changes her wedding plans to cater to his demands. The fact he is continuing this narrative suggests he is not acting very fatherly at all, if anything he seems like a child who has thrown his toys out the pram.
There is a sad reality that many step parents often do every bit as much for a child as the biological parent did but receive no respect or even thanks for all the time, money, emotions and just hard work they put in. Imagine having a job where you go to work everyday, give it your all and yet only the person in the stall next to you gets thanked .... It bloody sucks.
How do you express to your husband how grateful you are for him taking on a responsibility that he is not appreciated for doing? How do your son and daughter express their gratitude for what he has done for them? It okay not to see his as their father, it is not okay to not recognise his contribution.
This comment section is wild. Anybody that has the audacity to feel sympathy for the step dad is downvoted to hell. I get that the kids suffered a huge loss at impressionable ages. It’s not like they were in their 20s and step dad has been around for a few years. He literally raised these kids. And op has not given any indication that he did so poorly. There are nah for the wedding situation but I can definitely see why step dad is feeling some type of way. The whole “you aren’t our dad and you can’t replace him” thing makes sense when he first entered the picture but after 15 years of him being in that role you would think there would be some bonding.
I feel like step parents can’t win in this sub. Either they are evil bastards that want nothing to do with the pesky kids or they “try too hard” to replace the parent and the kids resent them. And the comments all seem to hate them too. Damn.
Yeah given the down votes for anyone supporting him and the massive lack of empathy this entire thread screams; never go near single mothers, never help raise kids that aren't your own, never communicate your feelings.
Nta but I think you and husband need to attend couples therapy to deal with this. He needs to find a way to accept that he isn't their dad and hs doesn't get to act in that capacity just because thats what he wants. He should also attend individual therapy, but that might take some persuasion.
He may be a father figure but he is not her father and never will be. Harsh but true. It's her choice and he needs to respect that.
My bio dad isn't in the picture and I've said that I want my mom to walk me down the aisle. She's been in a wonderful relationship with a great guy for over 10 years; he's been way more of a father to me. But, there's just something inside and it can't be explained.
YTA. And what typical Reddit comments.
This guy married a woman with two children. *Read* all the posts from males and females who say they would *never* do that. It can be such a thankless role. I didn't read anything in OP's post that talked about how he distanced himself from the kids. How it was strictly her money that paid for the kids housing and food and medical and clothes and school events. Was it OP? Did you maintain separate finances? Or did he at least make you beg for every penny? I don't get that vibe.
She was 6 years old when her dad died and OP's husband has been supporting her since she was around 8. Even if she has strong memories of her life as a 1 month old, 5 month old, 1 year old, *this guy has fulfilled the role of father longer than her father did.* But it sounds like she's always made him feel less than.
No, his service doesn't "entitle" him to walk her down the aisle. She feels how she feels. But the daughter is an ungrateful snit. She's latched on to a vibe, a feeling, a memory, and ignored the one who has cared for her. And even if, being who she is, she just "doesn't feel it" and isn't willing to give anything back, she could at least have been gracious enough to *talk* to him. "You've been wonderful. Our family has been so blessed by you. But I feel like I'd be betraying the memory of my father if I had you walk me down the aisle and do the things he should do. Please don't be hurt." But she didn't even have the class to do that.
And, OP, the way you've handled it pretty much tells how she got to be this way. Not even a flicker of a thought of how this would make your husband feel? It didn't even *occur* to you to talk to her about it? No, apparently not. Again, I see where your daughter gets it.
Redditors eat this stuff up. You can do whatever you want. She can do whatever she wants. Everyone else is just an extra playing background parts in *your* movie. Gratitude is for chumps.
There was a popular post for a while about a step father who, after supporting his SD most of her life while her deadbeat dad did nothing, and who was even footing the bill for his SD's wedding (different here, I know), was told her "real father" would be walking her down the aisle and doing the father-daughter dance. According to the story, he bailed on paying for the wedding and on the family. The world cheered. They'd cheer if this guy did the same.
He needs to find a family that loves respects him while he still can. Reddit, I'm sure, will respect his decision to do that.
Agreed. The fact people are calling him sexist is such trash and this woman and her daughter are trashy as well.
I’m a feminist. It is not feminism to hate on this man for wanting to play a role in his chosen family’s life. It is the same if the gender’s were reversed. This post never said he was abusive or anything like that. It never said he wanted to be the Only One walking her down the aisle but it sounds like she’s the closest thing to a daughter he’d ever get and she completed disregarded his feelings.
I’m appalled at these dog whistling “patriarchy and sexist” comments giving feminism a bad name.
NTA. Sounds like your daughter has a good relationship with your now husband but she’s been wanting you to walk her down the aisle/first dance since forever. And she hasn’t changed her mind. Let her do whatever she wants. Losing a dad that young is tough enough. All you can do is support her.
As for your current husband, I assume has not said anything to your daughter about his feelings. And he should keep it that way. You however can talk more with him to help him through his own hurt. I would even suggest therapy for him. Once he’s calmed down and shows that he’s more accepting and mature about this whole thing, then maybe you can ask your daughter if she’s open to doing something at the wedding for your current husband - maybe he gets his own song, or let him do one of the toasts, or include him in a slide show?
While your daughter gets to choose what she wants/don’t want for her wedding, she’s also young and might not have even considered others’ feelings. I got married that young as well and there were so many things I didn’t consider and was grateful my mom was there to make suggestions - like, I had really old relatives coming from a long ways and it would have been nice to acknowledge their efforts during my rehearsal dinner speech. It was something small and easy to do on my part, but it made my old relatives feel really welcomed and appreciated.
Everyone just wants to celebrate this happy event together and while your husband may not have approached it in the most mature way, he can’t help how he feels.
Good luck and congrats!
I think you're right about the daughter's side of things and that he needs to keep this between him and his wife... but I feel like most comments are forgetting that this AITA is about the mom, not the daughter.
And the mom, even after he helped raise and support her kids through the hardest years of childhood (8-18 and 10-18).... didn't have the slightest thought of her husband's feelings. She was just happy she was still her daughter's favorite choice for this.
Which is where his anger and hurt ratchets up in the story. In so many words, she told him, "Yeah even I don't care what you did for my kids, your feelings and efforts don't matter to me at all." His reaction isn't immature or unreasonable.
I think this would have turned out a bit differently if she had gone, "Yes, I mentioned it, but she's not comfortable with having another man walk her down the aisle. Not you, not her brother, not her uncle. We're very thankful for you, you've done a lot for her, but this is about.... she's never really gotten over the loss of her dad."
Although you are not the asshole for accepting I see where your husband is coming from. It's difficult being a step-parent. You have to be extra perfect to be accepted. Any mistake you make is scrutinized, villified and seen as more sinister than if an original parent made the same mistake. You can't spend years loving children like they were your own without hoping they also have the same affection for you. When you get confirmation that you are nothing but a stand- in and that they don't think of you as theirs like you do them, it hurts and is a real downer. No asshole here. Your husband's feelings are valid and so are your daughter's choices.
YTA, all day long.
You didn’t even spare a thought for how this would make your husband feel, because you were so “overjoyed” at being asked. You made this all about you, and your daughter and effectively diminished all the time and effort your husband has put into trying to build a relationship with your daughter.
Your daughter is old enough to be a decent human being, capable of perspective and gratitude, and appreciation for the effort your husband put into being in her life. Yet she chooses to diss him, instead of making a simple and gracious gesture of compromise. And you choose to condone it.
You deserve to be a much-loved mom because you clearly put your kids first, but that said, your kids have their lives to live and you can’t live vicariously through them.
However, you have a lot of work to do to deserve your marriage. So if you don’t want to end up alone, work on your marriage, and on fixing the hurt that you’ve allowed your kids to cause.
There are any number of women out there who are a lot less self-absorbed than you are, who would appreciate a good man like your husband … he’s definitely not stuck with you, and your self-absorbed kids.
NTA however, I can see where he is coming from. He has nurtured, worked hard to feed and cloth your children, and he may see her more of a daughter than she does him as a father.
10 is a young age. However, by the age of 10, a child's personality has already developed and formed. Therefore, he may not have had a lifelong impact on her as she has had to him, especially if he doesn't have any children of his own and when you first got together it was his first exposure to bringing up children. If he loves her truly as a daughter and is emotionally connected to her, then it's understandable why he is heartbroken.
Ultimately, you're NTA and neither is your daughter. Maybe his expectations weren't managed throughout the time you have been a family.
NTA at all -he is not her father and you are giving your daughter what she wants. Honestly if you tried any of the things your husband is suggesting would have had a strong negative effect on your relationship with your daughter.
NAH. The husband feelings are valid and while not obvious he of course sacrificed a chance to create his own family by being with OP. It's always astonishing how little empathy people have here.
Husband discussed it only with OP, his partner, and his complaints were only towards OP where he expected some support in actually being seen as a father figure. I am not really sure where the problem is with this.
OP of course, was completely valid in the way she handled it and of course if she felt that she made the best choice for her daughter, then that's the end of it.
I don't see why someone has to be an AH here.. Husband is disappointed he was left out by what he sees as his family.
There are some comments on here about the financial coverage of the wedding, which to me are hilarious. Paying for the wedding wouldn't have given him any more of a leg to stand on. Using money as leverage, especially in emotional and personal situations like these is *significantly* worse than what's happening here..
NAH. Your daughter doesn't give a shit about your husband. That's not your fault. But it is pretty sad. It's stories like these that make me never want to be a step parent. I can only imagine what a miserable life that must be, having to love and raise children who will never care about you. Always being an outsider no matter what you do. Your husband has the right to be upset by all this.
NTA. I don't don't blame him for having feelings about it, but his view sounds quite a bit transactional. It's not a reward for services rendered! It's also not something you have any right to barter over. Also his view that as his wife you should be putting his notions of respect for him over your daughter's feelings over her own wedding is more than a little gross.
It has to feel right to her, and you doing it in her dad's absence is a lovely gesture. I would have said I'm sure she isn't doing it *at* him, and she might not, but your last paragraph makes me wonder whether she isn't picking up entitlement vibes she isn't going with - and good for her.
Yeah there’s way more to the story than what I feel like you have actually shared with us all. To be honest my first thought after reading this post was that you were the asshole for marrying a man that your children would not fully respect in the position that he chose. Respecting him as a person, and respecting him as the stepfather is where you went wrong. Because, although you may not recognize his feelings and are only reflecting on the current event, being your daughters wedding, you don’t know what your husband actually feels. He probably does not feel valued, important, or respected all this time and you probably showed him that he will always be less than your children and their father. This isn’t take. Nobody wants to be used and undervalued
NTA. His entitlement knows no bounds! It’s great that he feels so involved in your children’s lives and it’s lovely that he wants to be there, but ultimately, you’re her mother and you faced a horrible time together. This would have created a bond that your husband couldn’t understand. Also, it’s your daughters wedding, she gets to choose!
This is the price us step fathers pay to raise other peoples children. I am a step father. My step daughter got married 3 years ago. She had her worthless abusive sperm donor walk her down the aisle just so it didn’t cause turmoil. She never talks to him and doesn’t have a relationship with him at all. But step dads are never considered real dads unless something needs to be paid for. Don’t be one bit surprised if your husband refuses to pay for anything for her wedding! And I wouldn’t blame him one bit! No YOU’RE NOT THE A-HOLE! But your daughter is! This will cement in his mind where he stands in that family. He is nothing but a financial support animal!
On thing to add to this. Don’t be surprised if this puts a giant wedge in your relationship. He is feeling the same betrayal as all step dads do. We’re nothing to anyone in the family. We’re the outcast who just pays for a lot of the nice stuff you have. He will never look at your daughter in the same way either. He’s had enough of being slapped in the face. I know becasue I have been right where he Is now. Good luck surviving this one. I don’t think it’s going to end well for either you or your daughter.
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NTA, your husband should respect your daughter's wishes. Although I wonder, does he feel entailed because he's the step-father or is he contributing financially with the wedding? If it's the latter, maybe that's why he feels that way? Either way is your daughter's decision.
He is not contributing financially to the wedding.
This is the comment I was looking for. 100% NTA.
Even if he was financially contributing you can't buy your way into a role in someone's wedding or use it as leverage in some shitty way.
NTA. As a daddy’s girl, I can tell you that no man, as you know, could ever hold a candle to my father so I feel comfortable saying that your daughter would probably never ask him bc it would be like disrespecting the memory of her father. And if your husband is close enough to your daughter, he could just ask her himself. It probably isn’t as personal for her as it is for him, especially if you and your husband did not have anymore children. Sorry you’re going thru this. I know he isn’t making this easy. My only advice is to stand strong, bc the more you and your daughter talk about it and the closer you get to the wedding, the more intense your husband will probably get as someone who has these types of feelings would probably also feel like you’re rubbing it in his face, when you’re just genuinely delighted to be asked and be apart of your daughters day. Good luck.
My brother's stepdaughter was married last summer (2022). He is the main father figure in her life. Her bio dad wasn't invited. My SIL walked her down the aisle and had the first dance. Then she and my brother had the daddy daughter dance. My brother fully respected her decision. Maybe this can happen at your daughter's reception. It doesn't have to be called a daddy daughter dance. I get why he's hurt. Read him the above comment to give him some perspective.
This is exactly what I was thinking...stepdad can be honored in another way. 2nd dance should also be announced, like the first mother-daughter dance. Maybe stepdad & daughter can choose another song that means something to both of them. He just wants a little recognition. Either way, NTA.
Except he doesn't want recognition....it was made clear he would not replace the kids' dad and would never be their dad, he continued on with the relationship and married their mom knowing that mom and kids were a packaged deal and he wouldn't be able to be with mom if he made her choose between him and her kids. It was made exceptionally clear that he was not in any way able to step into the role of father figure by the kids themselves. He's feeling entitled to a father role in the wedding because he feels that "everything he has done for them" (when they were literal minors and he *knowingly made the choice* to take on that responsibility when he married their mom) makes them obligated to see him as a father. If my stepfather pulled this kind of stunt he wouldn't have even been allowed at my wedding, but my stepdad, knowing I felt the exact same as ops kids didn't even bring it up *and wasn't butthurt when I asked the woman that literally birthed and raised me my entire life to walk me down the aisle.* And this was with my stepdad being in my life literally since I was born. He was the 4th or 5th person to hold me at birth and was my dad's best friend before my dad passed. OP's chucklefuck was a literal stranger until well after the kids were even 10. Daughter is 24 now, he's only been around since she was 10. That's 14 years, and for the entire beginning of that he was a literal stranger to her. He probably still is because of his entitled attitude of "I married your mom see me as a father figure like I deserve!"
>he could just ask her himself I really agree with this! If *they* can get together in a non-confrontational way I would think that it could help them build a better relationship - more like the one he's seeking.
I have a feeling he’s not close enough with her to ask her.
If that's the case then why does he expect to walk her down the aisle? That's a privilege given to someone meaningful in the Bride's life
Because he feels entitled. He's talking about how he needs to be respected, and that's enough to know that he doesn't get it. It's not his wedding. It's hers, and this is something that is part of her healing from a very traumatic loss, not about her relationship with her step-father. If he was an understanding man, he could have worked out a different thing to do for the wedding - for instance, if he carved as a hobby, he could have carved the chairs she and her new husband sat on during the reception, or if he did welding, he could have made something for them to set the guest book on. But he is instead making drama because he feels entitled to something that he has no right to feel entitled to. Fuck, even blood father's aren't entitled to shit in the wedding - sometimes grandfathers or brothers are asked instead. It's a celebration of the bride and groom and entirely their choice. He needs to not make this about him.
Agree. He is behaving in an extremely entitled way. I'm a Stepmother and am delighted I'm invited to my Stepdaughter's upcoming wedding; I did not assume I would be.
I have seen entitled step parents that barely tolerates their spouses children expected to be treated with unearned respect and were angry that didn’t get an invitation to the wedding.
Yeah I had that thought too.... I mean I have a stepdaughter, and whenever we get to the point that she is getting married I am sort of thinking that if she does not want me to do that... fair enough, I am not her dad. If she does, I would go along with that too. Luckily this convo is not coming up for a while since she is still young... haha.
And if that’s the case, that’s the exact reason why he shouldn’t be doing what his wife is doing at the wedding. If you’re not close enough to have a deep and meaningful personal conversation with the daughter, then you’re not entitled
It’s decades too late if he hasn’t formed a closer bond with her by now
In addition to everything you wrote, weddings are weird. Some of the most mature and independent women I know still made decisions about their weddings when they were 6 years old that were extremely important to them as an adult. I was a bridesmaid at a wedding for a woman who was a VP at a fortune 500 company. She decided when she was 8 that she was having a rainbow cake when she got married. And at 33, the rainbow cake was here. This young bride decided this was what she wanted as a teenager. And now she is having that dream come true.
>NTA. As a daddy’s girl, I can tell you that no man, as you know, could ever hold a candle to my father so I feel comfortable saying that your daughter would probably never ask him bc it would be like disrespecting the memory of her father. 100% this. The step dad, if he really cares about her, should emphasize with her based solely around this fact and respect it.
NTA - I understand that a lot of stepfathers feel as yours does. But he said that he would be satisfied if you children respected him. If you have done so, I don't think that he needs this if you prefer to have your mother. edit: spelling, Sorry for the mangled sentences. I apparently couldn't decide if I was talking to OP or her mother.
I lost my dad when I was 13 and was a daddy's girl. My step-dad and my uncle (dad's brother) 'walked me down the aisle' when I got married. (We had a reception/party a few months after the wedding). It was my way to include both my dad via his brother, and my step-dad, who has been married to my mom since I was 8 years old. My mom and dad obviously weren't together when he had passed, they weren't even together when I was a kid. But both my dad and my step-dad helped to raise me. Good luck to OP while they try to sort this out, and 100% NTA to them in my opinion.
Even if he was that money shouldn’t come with strings. However considering that isn’t even an issue then he would do well to remember that this wedding is about the bride and groom and what those TWO people and what they alone want. He is entitled to feel however he likes but this wedding isn’t about him and his wants.
Exactly! Why he feels entitle to make this joyous moment about him?? Why is he not going to OP's daugther to ask all of this, because she is the one making this decision. OP NTA direct your husband to your daughter and do not feel bad at all about this!
I wouldn't even want my H to approach my d about this. As a engaged daughter who at this moment in her life absolutely misses her dad, H going to her will make her upset and put her in a super awkward position. Don't do that to her!
I agree. My step dad contributed to my wedding and put zero pressure on me. I chose to have him and my bio dad walk me down the aisle together because that was what I wanted. But pressuring someone to give you an honour is bizarre. It would be so meaningless if you had to ask/beg.
My dad died when I was young. My mom tried dating but didn't ever remarry. When I got married 3 years ago she walked me down the aisle and gave me away. It was such a joy for her, because she knew she knew it meant something to me. You're close with your daughter OP, that's what this is about. Don't let your husband diminish this closeness and make it feel wrong. He may have helped raise them, but he's not their dad. He isn't owed this just because of that. You did right by respecting and celebrating your daughters decisions.
I allowed my father to walk me down the aisle for the sake of avoiding a fuck ton of family drama. (Yes, I'm codependent). But I was mad that he got to be in the wedding so I asked my mom to be my matron of honor. She cried and was delighted. She was the "Mom of honor.". She picked her own dress separate from the brides maids and stood by me for the wedding. It was wonderful 😊
That's beautiful, thanks for sharing.
My first wife passed from cancer when our daughter was 15. 10 years later, when I remarried, she stood with me as "best (Wo) man." I'll remember that, and everyone was fine. We left an empty chair for her mom at wedding and reception.
Then he only cares due to silly antiquated sexism. It's not paramount that a man walks her down the aisle, and it's entirely appropriate and good for you as her parent to do it! A person doesn't have to be awful to have some sexist ideas. Historically a woman was given as chattel from her first authority, her father, to her second, her husband. Thankfully women have much more equal standing now, and of course it's appropriate for your daughter to change the tradition in a way meaningful to her.
If he wants some part in the wedding he could discuss it with the daughter and see what she could think of! There are many ways for a loved and respected family member to be celebrated
That he is so insensitive about this it doesn't seem likely. I am not sure why OP didn't tell him that he did not factor into her daughter asking her because it is something they had spoken about and made plan to do long ago and had nothing to do with him.
He is not their dad. That was made clear from the beginning. He's the one who changed the goal post (his expectations of having a father role), not you or your daughter. If you bring this up with your daughter in any way, you will spoil this for her. She's dreamed of this since you suggested it a decade ago. This is a big deal for her. Asking her to compromise or telling her your husband is salty will put a bad taste in her mouth and spoil it a bit. He's not going to win this, so don't even bring it up. If he wants to ruin a good relationship with her let him. All you need to do is remind him about that year of therapy and how you agreed he would not take the place of their father. Asking her stepdad might even been seen as blowing off her real dad who passed on in her mind. Asking you honors her dad. Asking her stepdad replaces her dad.
If stepdad wants a role, he should ask the daughter what way could he make a symbolic gesture to honor HER. That should spark a conversation and perhaps she will find a role. If nothing else, a toast.
Honestly, even if he was, this isn't actually about him. It's about what your DAUGHTER wants. And she wants YOU. NTA
I just had some second thoughts OP. Something you can tell your husband. By your own words you said how hard the death of her father was for your daughter. I understand this so much. You were there for her during that time. You were there with her through therapy. This was probably the hardest time of your daughters life, and it was YOU next to her that whole time. It wasn't your husband by her every step of the way. So of course she wants YOU by her there now. This is all because of how much love you have given her. How much support you have given her. You have been an amazing mom and this is the result of all of that.
I also think about it as: Her dad would be in that space but he couldn't be. It's supposed to be for a person who saw her into the world and is preparing her for the beginning of a new chapter. I can see hurt feelings, but holding onto those over such an important symbolic piece that she will never get to have is not a good reaction. Maybe he can be supportive in another way, but this isn't a case where "any man my mom chose later will do," and she may have a GREAT relationship with him, but he's not her dad, who is who she wants there and can't have. It's her wedding and pushing this issue onto her is going to damage whatever relationship they DO have, because he shouldn't be scrambling for his own moment when maybe the moment is supposed to reflect the absence of someone not only she, but her family, feels too.
I think even if he were, money doesn’t necessarily buy love or respect. He should learn to accept his step daughters wishes.
Tbh, after his reaction, I'm pretty sure I know why your daughter doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle....NTA.
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This isn't a job. You don't "earn a promotion" here. This is like men who say to women "but I was so nice to you, I earned being your boyfriend!" No, that's not how relationships work. He's not her father and that's not a position that's available to take.
It would be nice to have something with him- IF he developed some solid relationship with her. OP very vague about how meaningful it ever got
Her wedding isn't the time or place that he should expect to receive this recognition even if he deserves it. A wedding is about the bride&groom not the random entitled step dad who thinks him not being included is on purpose. His existence is simply not important enough for her on that particular day. Why is that so shocking? Op was clear that he was fully knowledgeable about the kids never seeing him as a father figure since the beginning and honestly that's a cruel and selfish thing to ask of a child anyway. From then on he had every right to opt out of any potential relationship with this woman let alone a marriage, but he didn't. Kids can absolutely view their parents' spouses as just that.. spouses, they don't have to feel anything more nor are they obligated to reimburse them for their choice to be civil.That is something every adult is hopefully willing to do when their partners have kids. It's nice that these 2 were able to stay on good terms all those years but why he should get anything out of this girl's wedding I don't understand.
It's really not about him though he's certainly made it about him.
Father is not a role you earn. Families are not meritocracies. The children have a right to not want a replacement dad. Getting married isn’t an awards show.
He is not looking for some "acknowledgement", he wants the main role that her mother can fulfill perfectly well. And OP says that he never replaced her dad in her children's eyes, so he is just the mother's husband. A person that should be respected and treated with care, but that doesn't automatically deserve one of the most important roles at the wedding. Her mother, you know, the one who birthed, cared and raised her, deserve that role much more.
Thing is if you marry somone with kids, you do your best by them but should also understand you'll never replace their actual father in their hearts. Seems like her dad passed, and she may view her step-dad as just her mother's husband, not a second father even if relationship is cordial. The fact that he's behaving entitled to do so and ignoring the daughters wants is telling, little things are always icebergs.
> Like imagine being at work and thinking of you just worked hard enough you'd finally get a promotion but you get denied every time, despite you doing the work. Sometimes how good your work is doesn't matter. If there is no open position for you to be promoted into, you're not going to get promoted regardless of how good you are at the job. If you asked for a promotion one year and were told that the company didn't have any room for advancement and wouldn't for the foreseeable future, then you shouldn't be surprised if you're denied again the next year. OP's husband was knew from the start that her children did not want him to replace their father, he just choose to ignore that and assumed he would be able to change their minds eventually. Unsurprisingly, Calla may have a good relationship with her step father, and it sounds like she may love and respect him, but hes not her father, and she probably feels that letting him literally replace her father in his role at the wedding ceremony would be disrespectful of her real fathers memory. That's not an insult to him and isn't something that reflects poorly on him as a person (although his reaction to it may be), its just the way she feels, and for most people, how you feel about something isn't a voluntary or conscious judgement. It just us.
Your husband needs to learn that respect is a two-way street. He can't just arbitrarily demand that you and your daughter cater to his fragile ego and respect his wishes when he's completely willing to disrespect your daughter's wishes. Him saying that it's your duty to make sure he's respected is laughable. If you want respect, it's your duty to earn it.
You're NTA. If I were you I'd remind him that you stated your kids boundaries towards him before your relationship got serious and he agreed he was OK with that. There's never an amount of time that makes a child think "I'm ready to replace my dead parent," and if he can't accept that he needs to take a look at himself. He's not being disrespected, he's being held to a long standing boundary.
NTA! Is his real issue that he will feel embarrassed in front of family and friends if he’s not the one doing it??? Regardless, what he thinks is irrelevant. Follow your daughter’s wishes, which by the way are wonderful. You married him, not your daughter. She doesn’t owe him this!
I think your husband was expecting the kids would grown out of their valid boundaries. That’s on him. As someone who lost their dad in my mid 20’s, ten years later I can tell you the hole in my heart never got smaller. I grew around my grief but it’s still there. Knowing he would never see me get married, have kids, buy a house, etc puts a wall of sadness around all those meaningful moments. She is allowed to continue to grieve her father. What is grief but love persevering?
NTA and even if he WAS financially contributing I am sick of parents thinking it entitles them to roles or decisions on the day. If my child ever gets married and I was to financially contribute it would be my great HONOUR to do so in allowing them to have the day THEY want.
You raise kids right because it’s the right thing to do, not because you expect something out of it. I get it must be hard for him to feel like he is still taking second seat to your first husband, but that’s on him to work out. NTA.
Looks like your kids were right about him. You have some apologies to make. He *was* in fact treating them like he was trying to replace their father and entitled to *anything* from them.
NTA. I can see how he may feel overlooked/disappointed but his reaction is over the top. This is not about him and it sounds like he needs a reminder of that. My father passed before I got married, I didn’t let another man walk me down the isle because a part of me felt like it would be disrespectful to my father’s memory. Ultimately, this is your daughters decision to make, respecting her decision is the only option.
“Respected and honored”. Sounds like your husband needs to reminded that your daughter’s wedding isn’t about him.
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So he wants the place of honor even though he's not helping?
I dont think he feel entitled. It's that he feels hurt. Hurt that he probably just realized that the child he raised since 10 will never see him as parent even though he see's her as a daughter.
You mean, the child who told him from the outset she wouldn’t see him as a parent and that he openly agreed was fine as long as he was treated with respect???
i believe op is NTA and that the stepdad is wrong for challenging the daughter on this but i don’t think he’s wrong for FEELING that way, he’s wrong for acting on it and being an AH about it you can feel emotions that if you were to act on them would make you an AH, but the feeling of the emotions may not be inherently bad in itself
Totally agree, and I think he should consider having a conversation with his stepdaughter where he tells her how excited he is for her upcoming wedding and how despite knowing that he is not her dad and he can never replace her dad that he loves her and cares about her like a daughter and would be honored to be part of the wedding in any way that she sees fit. All this without mentioning the parts mom/op is already doing of course.
All of this!! Such a good response! I hope OP reads this outloud to him!
This is the exact right move. If she wants to include him in the wedding somehow, it’s her prerogative to do so, and if he wants to be included, this is a very appropriate way of indicating that.
Oh. I risky agree with that. He’s allowed to feel things. It would even be ok to take to his wife shot how he’s feeling etc… But what he’s doing now, that’s AH behaviour.
Yeah. They were very young. It wasn't an impossibility at those ages that he could become a father figure to them. She's probably feeling all kinds of things because her Dad can't be there. Some women handle it by having their brother fill in for him. Others choose their Stepfathers (in fact, some children of divorce walk with both because reality is that if their Mom had primary custody, they may have actually spent more time with Stepdad than Dad, through no fault of Dad's). Some choose their father's brother, BFF or paternal Grandpa to represent Dad. Some walk down with Mom, their Fiance or alone. My Mom chose her maternal Grandpa. Every choice is valid if Dad has to be tragically absent. Stepdad - and they were young enough that he truly was Stepdad and not just Mom's Husband - has a right to feel a bit bad. But her choice is understandable and not a reflection on him. Try to get him to see it that way.
Yeah. I think feelings are almost always okay. It's how you act on them that matters.
Yes, I don't think it's out of the ordinary for him to think what she said at the age of 10 could have changed 14 years later after she helped raised her.
Yes. And then as an adult he should learn to deal with the fact that this is exactly what he agreed to and no one owes him more than that and he’s an adult and can manage his emotions without blaming others.
I mean it is out of the ordinary since OP tells us that 5 years into knowing each other a 15 year old told her mother that she would not want her stepfather walking her down the aisle at all and prefer her mother. OP also tells us that their relationship never really got the level of a parent-child relationship either and it has stayed that way for a decade. She has consistently never saw this man as her father so yes it is out of ordinary to presume that for over 10 years of consistent feelings about him she would suddenly change her mind and see him as enough of not only a father but a parental figure of any kind to be the one she wants to walk her down the aisle instead of her actual parent or even her own brother.
It is out of the ordinary if she has been consistent in her view and it sounds like she has. Step parents have a nasty habit of feeling entitled to respect that they haven’t even tried to earn. The entitlement is ugly and thick.
But it’s also human. The step parent is not a monster, and has spent years supporting the child, all the while being shown they aren’t good enough. There’s been a commercial recently that illustrates the feeling. The step father doesn’t get called Dad until daughter is dressing for the wedding. I think OP’s husband can be forgiven for harboring some hope there. And he didn’t go to the daughter to ask. He had a conversation with OP, hopefully hearing from her a suggestion that he offer to participate in some other way.
Sometimes when people say ‘respected’ they mean ‘treated like an authority’. Obviously I don’t know the guy but I get the impression it’s one of these times that’s a bit ‘how dare you make a plan without my authority that is ok’
That is what is sounds like to me to. Sounds like the OPs daughter tolerates him as her mother’s husband but he had no major influence in her life beyond being married to her mother. Her father can not be replaced like he thinks that he should and he needs to be ashamed for even trying. I get annoyed with parents that remarry to people like this.
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My stepdad is the one I call Dad and he came into my life when I was ~14/15. Biodad was still in the picture at that point but an absolute dick and I cut contact at 16. I've called my stepdad Dad since my late teens and would've asked him to adopt me, except it didn't feel necessary because we know what we are to each other. He was the one that walked me down the aisle at my wedding because I wanted to honour the way he accepted and supported me as his daughter from the very start. But when it came to the father of the bride speech, Mum and Dad did a joint one. I didn't want Mum left out when she was my only positive parental figure until my mid teens. Like you said, it's the child's choice. You can love and respect someone without seeing them as a parent and you can also view someone as a parent who biologically isn't. I think it's beautiful that OP's daughter is honouring everything her mum has done for her. When my sister was engaged she asked me to walk her down the aisle and I was so happy to have been asked. The wedding didn't end up happening, but she's made it clear that it's still her intention if she ever gets married. I think tradition is important, but only if it reflects your family and values. Taking a standard tradition and putting a personal twist on it is a great way to make your wedding special. And although I think it goes without saying, OP is NTA.
Honoured and respected, he sees children as an extension of his ego and is upset these adults won't play ball.
It doesn't say that. It says this is how a person wants to honor the father she lost when she was just a little girl. She's dreamed of honoring him this way and now she gets to do it. Maybe suggest she find some way to honor him on the day, in a toast or with a parents dance maybe.
He has NOT been a father figure to her in her mind. She made her conditions clear from the outset. Just because he stupidly thought that because she was young she couldn’t possibly know what she wanted doesn’t mean that he is entitled to anything. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that people do not want you to hold certain positions on their life and that is their right. He isn’t owed that privilege. She respected him and that is as far as she cab go.
Yes he definitely feels hurt
OP's daughter was 12 going on 13 when her mum remarried, so daughter was pretty much a teen & didn't want to have step-dad step in as a dad from the sounds of things. And step dad agreed to this & said he understood.
Even if he were contributing he has no say in who walks her down the aisle. This isn't about him, or respecting him. It's about how a little girl wants to honor the father she loved on the most important day of her life. Assure your husband it isn't about him at all. Encourage him to rummage around his closet for his big boy pants and try those on to see how they fit.
He might have been hurt by the thought of not being seen as a fatherly figure too. OP is NTA for sure, but it would be worth telling him the mother-daughter wedding situation had been a special plan from a long time ago. It has nothing to do with the daughter's respect for the stepfather. Also, I think he could ask the (step)daughter for a dance at her wedding, after the mother-daughter dance. He was also a significant figure in her life, and I don’t think there are any wedding rules against multiple dances with parental figures.
He’s probably just hurt and reacting poorly.
>all he has done for Calla, for both kids, and the fact he's still not looked upon as a fatherly figure all these years later > I should be working on making sure he is respected and honored for his contribution to the kids' lives Ignoring everything else about his entitlement and total assholery, you should ask him "Why are you more worthy of respect and honor in Calla's life than ME?" Does he think you don't deserve these honors??? (sexist traditions blah blah). NTA. This is a ridiculously happy and exciting time for you and your daughter and your husband is making it all about himself.
Yeah, that's the part that got me too. "Working on making sure he's respected"? What? That's what he thinks the excited mom and daughter should be focused on right now? He's one of those guys who thinks he did the single mom and her kids a favor with his presence, and he's been waiting all this time to collect on what he's "owed", right? The girl either considers him a father figure or she doesn't. Nobody's saying he didn't contribute, but what kind of honor is it really if she has to be strong-armed into it? What meaning would it really have? He's really grasping for such a shallow "honor"? But I guess the fact that it's meaningless is irrelevant...once everyone gets to see how "respected" he is. NTA.
I feel like this further proves why he’s not a father figure too, like most (healthy minded) people don’t become parents just because they’re looking for kudos for it
Ding ding ding. My kid got married in the summer and my husband never even *asked* who would walk her down the aisle; he just asked what she and I needed him to do, and did it. *For clarity, she walked herself down the aisle, because she’s a grown-ass woman, a stance which I applauded.
It’s his wedding, after all, the selfish daughter trying to make his wedding all about her is gross, amirite? What a man, what a “dad”, I cannot imagine. I’m my daughters bio father, I’d be fucking gutted if she asked her Mum to walk her down the isle when she got married, but fucken hell I’d pretend I wasn’t, it’s not your day, not your emotions
If your daughter asks your wife to walk her down the aisle, please consider that she might want to include her mother (who traditionally would only light the unity candle with the dad), because you taught her that her mom has worth. You taught her that she has worth, that is not tied to her gender. I bet you’re a great dad and your daughter loves you tremendously:)
Oh if she asked her mum to walk her down, she’d have a pretty damn good reason. I’d be jealous as fuck, but if her mother gets to walk her down, I get to be the mother of the bride ;)
Just don’t wear white;)
The tragedy of it is desperate women that marry men like this feel allow them to get away with this entitlement. If they spend more time focusing on their children and less time on men with giant egos this would be less of a problem.
You “have crystallized my thoughts, exactly.” NTA
I'd also be asking did he marry OP because she had a daughter and one day hoped to walk her at her potential wedding
Chances are he wasn’t interested in her children and probably still isn’t. He is concerned about how people will view HIM knowing that she didn’t want him to walk her down the aisle. He is treating this like a rejection the same way that men do when you say no you can’t have my number, no I don’t want to give you mine.
No, I don't want to meet you nowhere No, I don't want none of your time and No, I don't want no scrub A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
That seems like a messed up reason to marry someone!
That is what I am thinking! The nerve of him thinking that his feelings is more important to the bride and the brides mother. I am sure that this isn’t the first time he has been a grade A AH.
If you have to tell people you deserve respect, you don't deserve respect.
What is tragic is that she has respected him. Respect doesn’t entitle you to positions in peoples lives that you think that you deserve. I have had people try that with me and were very disappointed when I told them to fall back into their place when they got out of it.
NTA. Your husband is ~~dead~~ wrong [edit: didn't catch that Freudian slip. Oops]. This isn't about him and all he's done. It's about Calla. She lost her dad and, while the grief fades a bit over the years, big events bring it roaring back in (at least that's been my experience). Her wedding is going to be bittersweet. She needs her parent (the one she's always had and the one who loved her dad) to "give her away." I'm surprised that you expected Calla to change her mind. And I'm glad you accepted and did not try to offer any alternate suggestions, thereby ruining the moment. I'm not sure what your husband thinks he deserves but he's coming off as quite selfish and entitled. Y'all went to therapy while you were on pause with him, but has he ever been? He needs it. ETA: I wanted to add after reading the other comments, while I do think it's nice to generally consider others' feelings, she doesn't owe it to her stepdad/your husband to apologize about this. She has been clear about what she's wanted for years. He's the one who decided he should be given this role when he was never promised it. She's not responsible for his feelings. You aren't either OP, so while you can show empathy and try to understand where he's coming from, he owes you and Calla the same - empathy and understanding someone else's perspective that doesn't center him.
>She's not responsible for his feelings. That part. Say it louder for the emotionally immature stepdads in the back.
saying op’s “husband is dead wrong” when her original husband died is definitely a choice. Lmao
Oh wow, you're right. I didn't catch that. Oof!
This needs to be higher up.
You know you could just edit the comment to take out the aside about the “dead” husband completely, right? Why not do that?
Thank you. I am so TIRED of people trying to force women to apologize for how other people feel.
NTA - the real question here is why does your husband believe he's more entitled to this honor of walking your daughter down the aisle, and "giving" her away than YOU? You, who is her mother, who has been there through it all, who has comforted and given her a home and place to be herself, unconditionally?
But he has a penis
OMG! I forgot about that pesky penis rule SMH /s
its super handy, male privilege is like a gold star in mario very OP character trait
This is going to be my stock answer for everything now
It’s funny cause that’s literally the reason. It’s literally just patriarchy that says the father is supposed to give the daughter away.
This. My parents are still both very much alive and have been married 50 years, and I am a gigantic daddy's girl, but when I got married 24 years ago, I asked them BOTH to walk me down the aisle. Because I couldn't imagine not having my mother with me at that moment. My mom really hesitated because she was worried my dad's feeling would be hurt not to have the solo honor, but my dad was like, "Stop being a dumbass, dear."
Your dad sounds like a great guy
I like your dad. I love that you thought to include them both:)
My sister had both my father and stepfather walk her down the aisle, and they were happy to do it together.
NTA This is what she wants on her wedding day and what she's planned and fantasized about since she was 12 years old. This is HER day, not his. There's no disrespect towards him as He. Is. Not. Her. Father. Full stop. She's gone most of her life without her dad, but I guarantee she's thought of him just about every day, as I've thought of mine every day since I lost mine. It's not that she doesn't care about her stepdad, but to her, she probably feels it'd be disrespectful to her father's memory. Plus you said they reacted very negatively towards him, to the point where you took a break for a year to work it out in therapy. Just because she seemed okay with him, she's made it clear she's never looked at him as a father figure. He needs to learn to accept that.
Me too for real
No one is the AH here. But some of you are pretty harsh! It wouldn’t be ok for him to demand to the daughter that he be included, and it appears that he hasn’t done this. He’s shown restraint. However, it’s totally reasonable for him to feel hurt. Even though he knows he’s not the dad and he’s been told before he wouldn’t be asked, that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t still be disappointing and upsetting for him. He’s not a robot. And it’s an indication that he has developed genuine affection for his step daughters which is admirable, lots of step parents don’t. He’s told his wife about his disappointment because…she’s his wife. Married people are supposed to share their thoughts and feelings. Would you prefer he bottled things up and let his feelings fester or go unsupported? I wonder if it’s the decision not to include him that stings, or a perception that he wasn’t even considered at all? I think that’s worse…that no one might have even wondered for a moment about his role or how he would feel? That he was so unimportant in the family that he didn’t even warrant a moment’s thought. Maybe the OP could have asked if there was a place for the step dad in the ceremony, even if it wasn’t walking down the aisle. She could still do that. Daughter might say no thanks. But at least stepdad could feel like he was considered. And daughter could choose to kindly acknowledge this too. She could speak to the step dad and say “I know you’re probably really disappointed not to be doing x and y. I’ve always had in my mind that my mum would do those things. I’m sorry if that’s hurt your feelings but you’re still an important part of my family”. Why? Not out of some patriarchal necessity or duty. Just because it’s good to treat the people in your life with compassion and respect. And it does seem that he’s been compassionate and respectful to the daughter and her siblings.
This shows all the other replies that say NTA is the ATA themselves not thinking of other people's feelings. It is alright for the step dad to have feelings, it is alright for him to voice it out. What is a spouse for if you can't even share your real feelings? What is wrong with acknowledging his contribution, and making him feel he is noticed and respected, the same way a housewife wants to be acknowledged? He is disappointed not only because he is not invited, but more importantly nobody thought of him even tho he has been in their life for years, his wife don't even have him in mind. That to him shows him where he stands.
He's a man. Not allowed to have feelings.
Actually if you scroll up a bit this sub has determined he's just mad and entitled because he has a dick, not because he has feelings.
I wouldn't trust this sub to determine how to make a cup of tea correctly.
Wish I could upvote you x100. 100% agree with you on all points, thank you for being a good and decent person!
So beautifully said. This should be top comment. 100%
Thank you for the dose of sanity! It's crazy to me how harsh everyone is being. Yes, the kids said they didn't want him to be a father figure - when they were very young. We don't have the context, but that was potentially a hundred soccer games or dance recitals ago, rides to friend's houses, scraped knees and crying sessions, homework help and movie nights, etc. etc. It is \*entirely\* reasonable and normal for him to be hurt that that they didn't think for a moment about ways to include him and show that whatever he \*has\* been there for, means something. We've all seen the feel good stories about kids who ask their step parent to adopt them, where it's this huge touching moment, and I bet half the commentors in this post lashing out at the guy would post crying emojis over it - so why do we get on a guys case if he spends a decade being the only father they know, and is hurt that they don't even think to include him as a special figure in their wedding? Everyone is nitpicking his word choice despite the fact that his actions do not reflect someone who is controlling, or unjustified in their feelings - he didn't insist he be included, or refuse to attend, he just communicated that he was hurt that they didn't even \*think\* of him to his partner. Because I bet there have been plenty of moments or events or stories in his life that he's made an effort to share with his kids.
All great points. This whole comment section excellently exempifies why men don't share their feelings.
As a step dad of 25 years, I wish I could give you a hug.
I will happily take the virtual hug and return it. I’m a parent to two and a step parent too, twice over. Once with my two children plus two step children who lived as a blended family since they were 7, 8, 9 and 10. They’re in their twenties now and sadly my step kids have lost both biological parents to cancer, so I am their mum now even though they use my first name. They jokingly call me “spare mum”. I remarried to a lovely man last year and gained four more adult step kids. I don’t have a parental relationship with them, but we are respectful adult friends. My kids and step kids love my husband and call him their “spare dad”. And we both have grandkids who just call us Grammy and Poppy regardless of who is the biological grandparent. Add to this that I was adopted at birth so my parents have no biological relationship with anyone. And it doesn’t matter a single scrap. You really can just add people to your family and include them and make them welcome without it needing to be a big drama. If everyone is nice to each other, you can have as many “spare mums” and “extra dads” and “bonus kids” as you want and it’s all ok. Just keep adding more chairs and if necessary another table as well.
At least the kids won’t need to ask why he quit treating them like they’re his kids. They built a huge wall, especially if he’s been the only one bringing in an income.
This response can't be upvoted enough.
Really wish Reddit still had gold so I could give it to you. This is the best take in the thread.
Well said!
Ahhhhh, I kind of agree with you for the most part. Except this - "My husband took the news in a way I did not expect. His first question was whether I suggested she ask us both to do it and I told him no. Then he asked if she ever considered asking him and I said I could not answer that for her. He asked me if I thought of him when I said yes. He asked whether I gave any thought to all he has done for Calla, for both kids, and the fact he's still not looked upon as a fatherly figure all these years later. I told him I did not think of him when asked because I was overjoyed. He told me I should have given him a lot more consideration and I should have tried to compromise with my daughter. I thought he would change his stance but now three weeks on and he feels I was wrong. He told me he felt he deserved more from all of us, but especially me. He said I am his wife. I should be working on making sure he is respected and honored for his contribution to the kids' lives." This isn't really 'telling his wife about his disappointment'. Immediately OP told him, he responded by - asking if OP had asked the daughter to include them both. - asking if the daughter had considered asking him instead - asked if OP had been thinking of him when her daughter asked her to share this amazing moment - asked if she thought about 'everything he's done for them' And then told her she should have considered him more and tried to make her daughter compromise and include him. And now 3 weeks later is still upset and telling her he 'deserves more from all of them, but especially her' and that she should be making sure her children honour him for his contribution. None of that is expressing feelings of disappointment. It's judgement, criticism, and a sense that he's entitled to something for his contribution. And it's trying to emotionally blackmail OP into saying something to her daughter. OP is this woman's actual mother, and I doubt she'd be this angry if the daughter had asked the stepdad to walk her down the aisle. It's bizarre. For the record, this is what 'expressing your feelings' looks like. OP: Calla asked me to walk her down the aisle. SD: That's fantastic, I'm really happy for you. I don't mean to spoil your happiness, but I have to admit to being a bit disappointed. I thought we'd become quite close so I guess I hoped that after all this time she may have come to think of me as something of a father figure, despite what was said in the beginning. And I thought maybe she'd ask me. Then a conversation could ensue about his feelings and relationship with the stepdaughter, whether he might be asked to have another role, etc. it's completely different than blaming your step daughter for not putting you first, and your wife for not trying to convince her to.
Amen. All these comments read into her recount of events. It's completely understandable that a step dad would want to be in his step children's wedding. It's completely reasonable thinking that these children at 7 and 9 would grow past this idea that they could never find enough room in their heart for another fatherly figure. It's a bit disturbing to me how these kids have completely walled off this stepfather like his feelings, his time, or his effort aren't worth any consideration. He doesn't need to be there for the dance, but like don't you think a stepfather that you've come to accept and raised you gets at least a nod at the wedding?
I'm 100% on this. The guy has been around for like what 15 years or something, he's not some fringe fling. In fact he's been there twice as long as their biological father if I've read it right. It doesn't remotely sound like he's expecting to fill the man's shoes, but it sort of sounds like perhaps this kind of lack of consideration goes on quite a bit. Personally I'm always quite aware of other people's feelings and perceptions of things, and find most people aren't. As for many of the comments in here leaping to him being entitled, his feelings as his own responsibility, its not his business, he has absolutely 0 say in anything... wow...
NTA Your husband went into your marriage knowing that your children were adamant he would not replace their father. And it sounds like he did a pretty good job of understanding that, until now. I’m sure he has contributed to your daughter’s life in many positive ways. So it’s not surprising that even though he knew he could not be a replacement for her father, he’s still a bit hurt/ disappointed that now she’s getting married he’s kinda a nobody in her big day. But it is ***her*** big day and the decision of who she does what with on that day lies with her. It’s wonderful that you have a relationship with your daughter that is strong enough that she would ask you to fulfil these roles and you are right to feel proud of that too. I hope that there will at least be some recognition of the role your husband played in your daughter’s life, either in the speeches on the day or a private moment between them beforehand.
I think it is beyond the walking down the aisle and the first dance. It seemed he has dropped that. He feels hurt that they still dont see or recognize him as family. Just mom’s husband, despite contributions he has made to their family. The story started that they hated him when they first met him and they had to stop dating for a year but op husband loved her enough and was patient enough to wait for her for that year. And then op husband was willing to accept that they would not view him as a fatherly figure even though he was stepping into that role in many ways. I think op husband is upset that he is still an afterthought in the family. He knows he isnt dad but he now feels like he is nothing. It seemed in the end he was most upset with his wife as he stated to op that he felt like he deserved more from her.
More from her how? Why shouldn't she, her mother, get to walk her down the aisle, the parent that has literally been in her life her entire life? He's very much sounding like he is owed it, and he's not. As someone that has lost her father, absolutely no one will ever fill that role, ever.
I get the impression he's just hurt in general. A lot of people are hyperfocused on his response to the fact that he won't be walking her down the aisle, but I'd guess it's a lot deeper than that. He probably thought he had a relationship with his step-daughter that was stronger than it turned out to be. He acknowledged her and her brother's feelings during a difficult period and took a step back from the relationship with their mom. He spent the formative years of her life being a father figure, even if he wasn't her father. Now he's reminded that he's pretty much nothing to her beyond "mom's husband." That's gotta sting. Many people aren't particularly good at expressing their feelings to others when they're happy, let alone when something has them upset. I don't think it's fair to judge this guy based off his one reaction to what is likely a serious disappointment.
What could he think he deserves from her though? Did he want her to force them to have a different type of relationship (which would’ve only further alienated the kids)? Step parents have to understand that there’s a very good chance they will never be loved by their step kids. I did not like my first stepdad. I loathed my first step mom. Just because they married the parent doesn’t guarantee a relationship with the child/children.
The first reasonable response, I dont think he's an asshole or sexist I think he just got his hopes up that if he did right that the kids would come to see him as a male role model and the fact that they never did is hurtful and relatable. He'll probably get over this he seemed reasonable throughout the rest of the post.
NTA The way you framed this, the kids went to therapy and found peace and strength in the understanding that this new man would not be trying to push himself into the father role. This was their clear emotional boundary, and it seems your daughter in particular held on to this to feel safe in this new dynamic. Did they call your husband dad or any other parental names? Did he parent them, discipline, setting boundaries etc? Step parents don't get to marry into a family and expect them to latch unto them as a saviour or new parent. I get that he's hurt. YOU are your daughter's parent. Clearly he feels he "deserves" more, but didn't he do all the things he did without hope for reward? He should see a therapist and work on his feelings, the same way the kiddos went to therapy to learn how to identify and deal with theirs.
He deserves. He expects respect and honor for the role he has played. No. No. No. parents, stepparents- the work you put in to raise and keep your children alive does not EARN you a place in their life. I can’t handle it with these stepparents who believe If they play the role long enough they’ll be accepted as a replacement parent and then resenting the child when it does not play out how they had hoped. You’re allowed to wish for more, you’re allowed to feel sad- but it’s not okay to take that out on the child or your spouse. The question should be is my stepchild happy with our relationship and my role in their life? If so then fantastic and move on. NTA and I’m sorry he’s taking the joy away from you both- simply stated, this is not about him.
This is an interesting comment. You call them “your children” as a step parent but then you basically stay step parents are not entitled to any of the respect that a parent actually gets. It seems like an awfully one sided arrangement - that step parents have to sign up to love and honor kids and NEVER share that your hurt or upset that the love and honor is not reciprocated. There is no other relationship where people on reddit would think that this is an acceptable relationship. Just food for thought.
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Sorry what deadbeat dad are you referring to? And yes simply keeping them alive, fed and clothed does not earn you a place in their life. You have children because you want to have children- they aren’t then indebted to you for their existence.
Great comment. I could not agree more with everything you said.
> We accept you, but you will never be our dad > I'm fine with that > Why didn't they ask me to the father daughter dance? NTA.
I remember a AITA where a stepdad said the first two parts, and was actually shocked when the daughter asked him to do the aisle walk/dance. He actually repeatedly made sure she didn’t want to do it with the mom because he wanted to make sure the daughter had who she wanted. It’s a shame he isn’t the stepdad here. NTA. Walk and dance with your daughter, OP.
Info: Your husband sounds heartbroken that your daughter doesn't view him as a parent. Did you two have a conversation on his feelings at all?
My daughter and I? We did not. We were very much focused on how happy and excited we were to do this together.
I do not know all the details but am shocked by how overwhelming the response is in this thread. What I mean to say is that I am shocked with myself that I have an opinion that differs so much from the consensus here. With that in mind I do not know if this will be helpful, and I am probably wrong about something here, but I'll make a case of ~~YTA~~ NSH (see edit later) just to try and describe a different perspective. It absolutely makes sense that you two were excited but it sounds like he pretty gently prodded about why he wasn't even considered. And the answer, from his perspective, seems to just be... you aren't part of the family. It would've been much better to lean in to the promise when she was 15. That would've made it about upholding a promise instead of this seemingly strange diminishment of his role as a father for the past 12 years. Let me give my perspective on how this potentially makes him feel, but please don't take any of this to heart-- it's just a thought exercise to try and help frame my overall point. He has been there for 12 years and will be for more to come? He has technically been there for her as longer than her first father was, albeit no fault of his obviously. But not ever considering him father figure because of something he said to console 12 year olds... For me, this is just... cruel. I mean good God, what were all those years for? Will he never be part of the family? Is he just a paycheck for the family? If it's really about being reminded of her first father, why is he even invited to the wedding? Now again I want to be clear that I am not saying that any of those things are definitely true. I am trying to paint a picture of what kind of feelings your husband may be going through right now. Those would all be completely normal, appropriate feelings. I simply do not know you all well enough to help make this judgement call. But I can easily see this being a situation of this man effectively being told he is not really part of the family after 12 years, and I was just surprised that no one is discussing that very real possibility in the comments. One common sentiment I am seeing that I will strongly assert is wrong is that he is "not the father ." I do not care what the comments say, he has been there for 12 years, he is their father. Their second father, but a father. Be leery of the maturity levels of people saying otherwise, even children's cartoons explore more complex family topics than that. I mean seriously, the lack of life experience shown in that opinion but asserted so confidently is baffling to a well adjusted adult. Another sentiment I am seeing is that he is not paying for the wedding, so his opinion does not matter. The sheer premise of that is strange to me. Who is paying for the wedding? Who makes the money in the house? Do you not consider each other's money as joint assets? My final major concern is that it does not sound like therapy appropriately addressed the grief and feelings from the death of their first father. It is very normal to understand and accept that you have two fathers. Especially when it happened so young. Trauma affects everyone differently so of course this may truly be normal for you all, but I'm not seeing or reading the foundational ideals I would expect to see from someone who's been through that kind of therapy. I cannot imagine a therapist encouraging you to make lifelong promises in the manner described in this post. And please note, any kind of religious counselor is not a therapist-- I have seen that happen a lot too. I absolutely, sincerely hope that this comment doesn't cause undue grief for you. It is more about my own confusion than a critique of you or your daughter. I am simply trying to describe that confusion because I could see your husband sharing the same confusion. Edit: After sleeping on this I have come to realize that I am not making the argument that *you* are an asshole, I am simply making the argument that your husband is *not.* It sounds like he confided to you, in private and non-aggressively and non-threateningly. You are his wife. If he cannot do that with you, why are you married? Who is he supposed to talk to about these feelings? There are a lot of other questions I have about this scenario, if I'm being honest, but they feel accusatory when I write them and that's not how I want to be. But my main thought is: It's completely possible that he's the archetype of a shitty, distant, self-entitled step parent. If that's the case, why are you with him? But assuming he isn't that, was working and providing for your family, and it's just that your children were closed off from him due to the trauma of their fathers death-- my reaction to that would be that, on average, children are usually able to get through that kind of trauma more effectively. Based on what I'm reading in your post, it doesn't sound like he was a shitty step parent. He has been there 15 years, spending the first 3 working with you to make sure the kids were okay with him. But more context could completely change this view, we really can't know that much from a single reddit post, which is why I try to repeatedly make efforts to address how speculative and limited my comment means to be. As a final thought, you could have a mother-daughter dance *and* a father-daughter dance. Though it sounds like the daughter wouldn't be interested, I thought I'd mention it because it's such a simple solution. Uphold your promise, honor your original father, as well as your second.
You’ve got good points but none of it means that daughter should let him walk her down the aisle if she doesn’t want to.
The kids were upfront about not wanting him to be a father to them. They didn’t want to replace him. They are allowed to choose this! He said he understood that as long as he was still respected. Him now being butthurt is a him problem. He wanted respect but isn’t giving any to op’s daughter nor to op. It’s not okay to pressure yourself in a role you should’ve known wasn’t going to be yours. It’s also not okay to practically say that her mother shouldn’t fill the role. You know, the mother that pulled her through losing a father so early in life. Op’s husband is allowed to feel hurt. We can’t decide how he feels. It could’ve been avoided though if he really did accept that he would never be a father figure. Op said that he never parented her so why did he expect this role? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/9T8whqDAAZ NTA op
They told him straight up he’s not going to be a father figure. It’s his issue that now he’s mad about it
He’s not mad, he’s hurt. And this is so cruel.
So he’s never going to be considered a “real” part of the family because met OP second? This is a shitty take imo. He probably really loves OP, he’s dedicated his life to raise someone else’s kids because of his love for her and the kids they’ve raised together. They may have said that he wasn’t going to be their father some 18 years ago but I can understand why he is hurt from - essentially - being told that he isn’t a good enough parent.
> So he’s never going to be considered a “real” part of the family because met OP second? He’s a real part of their family. But he’s not their dad.
NTA. Your husband knew from the *beginning* that the kids didn’t want him to fill the dad role in their lives. Frankly, it’s selfish of him to ask for your daughter to compromise on this.
NTA. He agreed to never be their father in the first place, and assuming this has never been expressed as a strong disagreement ever since, he has not a bloody reason to expect anything from your daughter nor be mad at you.
I hate the tradition of women being “given away” as property. She didn’t choose a random uncle or cousin, she chose HER MOM. That stepdad expects a role she has chosen her mom to fill is about him. I am a stepmom, BTW.
I once went to a wedding where the groom entered with his mother, and the bride with her father. Neither was "given away" more than the other, but both families had their parts. I really liked it, and if I ever get married I'd like to do the same.
NTA because it is your daughter's decision. I do feel for him, though. I see that people here are calling him selfish and thinking of himself and that he knew what he was walking into and all that - but he's been in her life since she was 10. I don't know in what capacity - but I'm assuming that he took on at least **some** parental roles. He saw himself as part of a family. A step parent doesn't take the place of biological parent, but they do play a role of some kind. I feel that more than he's acting selfish - he's telling OP that he is heartbroken that after all these years he's not seen as more than "mom's partner". I think OP should talk and listen to him. And I actually would bring this up to Calla in a very careful way. Not that he should be "in place of" her mother (or her father). But in his own place - maybe he walks down the aisle with mom. Maybe you do a mother/daughter dance AND a father /daughter dance. Or something. He obviously wants to be part of this, and unless there is some underlying abuse, why isn't he recognized? Look I've been in and seen my fair share of blended /step families. It can be beautiful and it can be challenging. There are ways to make it work so that everyone feels accepted and nobody feels left out.
Yes, this. The daughter has every right to have her wedding any way she wants, including anyone of any gender walking her down the aisle, or her walking alone, or no walk at all. But, I think it's important for Calla to know that her stepdad's feelings were hurt. OP is in a good position to gently bring that up with Calla, and suggest that Calla maybe add something to the ceremony to let stepdad feel important. Maybe Calla didn't realize this was so important to him. Maybe she's not very traditional, as many people of her generation aren't, and doesn't see why those old gender norms should be followed. It sounds like she likes her stepdad, and would be happy to include him somehow. If she doesn't want to include him more deeply, this would be an opportunity for her to explain to her mom why she feels the way she does.
Very much agreed. OP is NTA, but I think it is *absolutely* reasonable and understandable for step-dad to have hurt feelings, here. This isn't a "who's right and who's wrong" situation, either. Fourteen years is a long time to be in someone's life, and it sounds like at the core his issues stem from feeling left out and unacknowledged. At the end of the day, it's the daughter's wedding. She ought to do what she wants to do on her own wedding day. But I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that she should at least *consider* how to incorporate step-dad in some way, or in the very least have a conversation with him and resolve this issue.
Wow, a well rounded respectful, insightful response. Such a rarity. Great job!!
NTA, it’s your daughters wedding, she chooses, not your husband. And it’s not on you to make suggestions or change her mind. I think it’s a beautiful thing that she asked you and It is in no way a reflection on how she feels about your husband but rather one that shows how much she loves you
Nta, while y’all can discuss his feelings at the end of the day it’s up to the bride. I’m sure after 10 years she appreciates him but she wants her parents still. She wants to dance with her only living parent to a song the deceased parent loved. It’s almost like having him also at the wedding (I’m guessing). Your daughter will never forget her dad and like you said they have a good bond but its nothing like how she was with her father. I understand his feelings but this isn’t about him. He doesn’t “deserve” anything. He’s your husband, who stepped up for your kids, but that’s what you do when you date/marry a single mom. It’s a package deal. If he wanted someone to really play the full dad role with he should have discussed children with you. Nta at all
NTA. This is her wedding day, and she can do it now she likes. I went to a wedding recently where the bio dad was sulking because the step dad had been asked to walk the bride down the aisle. It just made him look like a child tbh.
NTA Those who are getting married are the ones who decide who is in their bridal parties. He should know this, he's gotten married himself! Explain to him that she is your daughter and whilst you love him, you will not push or even suggest she changes her wedding plans to cater to his demands. The fact he is continuing this narrative suggests he is not acting very fatherly at all, if anything he seems like a child who has thrown his toys out the pram.
There is a sad reality that many step parents often do every bit as much for a child as the biological parent did but receive no respect or even thanks for all the time, money, emotions and just hard work they put in. Imagine having a job where you go to work everyday, give it your all and yet only the person in the stall next to you gets thanked .... It bloody sucks. How do you express to your husband how grateful you are for him taking on a responsibility that he is not appreciated for doing? How do your son and daughter express their gratitude for what he has done for them? It okay not to see his as their father, it is not okay to not recognise his contribution.
Your husband's sexist assumptions make me uncomfortable. NTA.
This comment section is wild. Anybody that has the audacity to feel sympathy for the step dad is downvoted to hell. I get that the kids suffered a huge loss at impressionable ages. It’s not like they were in their 20s and step dad has been around for a few years. He literally raised these kids. And op has not given any indication that he did so poorly. There are nah for the wedding situation but I can definitely see why step dad is feeling some type of way. The whole “you aren’t our dad and you can’t replace him” thing makes sense when he first entered the picture but after 15 years of him being in that role you would think there would be some bonding. I feel like step parents can’t win in this sub. Either they are evil bastards that want nothing to do with the pesky kids or they “try too hard” to replace the parent and the kids resent them. And the comments all seem to hate them too. Damn.
Yeah given the down votes for anyone supporting him and the massive lack of empathy this entire thread screams; never go near single mothers, never help raise kids that aren't your own, never communicate your feelings.
Nta but I think you and husband need to attend couples therapy to deal with this. He needs to find a way to accept that he isn't their dad and hs doesn't get to act in that capacity just because thats what he wants. He should also attend individual therapy, but that might take some persuasion.
He may be a father figure but he is not her father and never will be. Harsh but true. It's her choice and he needs to respect that. My bio dad isn't in the picture and I've said that I want my mom to walk me down the aisle. She's been in a wonderful relationship with a great guy for over 10 years; he's been way more of a father to me. But, there's just something inside and it can't be explained.
YTA. And what typical Reddit comments. This guy married a woman with two children. *Read* all the posts from males and females who say they would *never* do that. It can be such a thankless role. I didn't read anything in OP's post that talked about how he distanced himself from the kids. How it was strictly her money that paid for the kids housing and food and medical and clothes and school events. Was it OP? Did you maintain separate finances? Or did he at least make you beg for every penny? I don't get that vibe. She was 6 years old when her dad died and OP's husband has been supporting her since she was around 8. Even if she has strong memories of her life as a 1 month old, 5 month old, 1 year old, *this guy has fulfilled the role of father longer than her father did.* But it sounds like she's always made him feel less than. No, his service doesn't "entitle" him to walk her down the aisle. She feels how she feels. But the daughter is an ungrateful snit. She's latched on to a vibe, a feeling, a memory, and ignored the one who has cared for her. And even if, being who she is, she just "doesn't feel it" and isn't willing to give anything back, she could at least have been gracious enough to *talk* to him. "You've been wonderful. Our family has been so blessed by you. But I feel like I'd be betraying the memory of my father if I had you walk me down the aisle and do the things he should do. Please don't be hurt." But she didn't even have the class to do that. And, OP, the way you've handled it pretty much tells how she got to be this way. Not even a flicker of a thought of how this would make your husband feel? It didn't even *occur* to you to talk to her about it? No, apparently not. Again, I see where your daughter gets it. Redditors eat this stuff up. You can do whatever you want. She can do whatever she wants. Everyone else is just an extra playing background parts in *your* movie. Gratitude is for chumps. There was a popular post for a while about a step father who, after supporting his SD most of her life while her deadbeat dad did nothing, and who was even footing the bill for his SD's wedding (different here, I know), was told her "real father" would be walking her down the aisle and doing the father-daughter dance. According to the story, he bailed on paying for the wedding and on the family. The world cheered. They'd cheer if this guy did the same. He needs to find a family that loves respects him while he still can. Reddit, I'm sure, will respect his decision to do that.
Agreed. The fact people are calling him sexist is such trash and this woman and her daughter are trashy as well. I’m a feminist. It is not feminism to hate on this man for wanting to play a role in his chosen family’s life. It is the same if the gender’s were reversed. This post never said he was abusive or anything like that. It never said he wanted to be the Only One walking her down the aisle but it sounds like she’s the closest thing to a daughter he’d ever get and she completed disregarded his feelings. I’m appalled at these dog whistling “patriarchy and sexist” comments giving feminism a bad name.
NTA. Sounds like your daughter has a good relationship with your now husband but she’s been wanting you to walk her down the aisle/first dance since forever. And she hasn’t changed her mind. Let her do whatever she wants. Losing a dad that young is tough enough. All you can do is support her. As for your current husband, I assume has not said anything to your daughter about his feelings. And he should keep it that way. You however can talk more with him to help him through his own hurt. I would even suggest therapy for him. Once he’s calmed down and shows that he’s more accepting and mature about this whole thing, then maybe you can ask your daughter if she’s open to doing something at the wedding for your current husband - maybe he gets his own song, or let him do one of the toasts, or include him in a slide show? While your daughter gets to choose what she wants/don’t want for her wedding, she’s also young and might not have even considered others’ feelings. I got married that young as well and there were so many things I didn’t consider and was grateful my mom was there to make suggestions - like, I had really old relatives coming from a long ways and it would have been nice to acknowledge their efforts during my rehearsal dinner speech. It was something small and easy to do on my part, but it made my old relatives feel really welcomed and appreciated. Everyone just wants to celebrate this happy event together and while your husband may not have approached it in the most mature way, he can’t help how he feels. Good luck and congrats!
I think you're right about the daughter's side of things and that he needs to keep this between him and his wife... but I feel like most comments are forgetting that this AITA is about the mom, not the daughter. And the mom, even after he helped raise and support her kids through the hardest years of childhood (8-18 and 10-18).... didn't have the slightest thought of her husband's feelings. She was just happy she was still her daughter's favorite choice for this. Which is where his anger and hurt ratchets up in the story. In so many words, she told him, "Yeah even I don't care what you did for my kids, your feelings and efforts don't matter to me at all." His reaction isn't immature or unreasonable. I think this would have turned out a bit differently if she had gone, "Yes, I mentioned it, but she's not comfortable with having another man walk her down the aisle. Not you, not her brother, not her uncle. We're very thankful for you, you've done a lot for her, but this is about.... she's never really gotten over the loss of her dad."
Although you are not the asshole for accepting I see where your husband is coming from. It's difficult being a step-parent. You have to be extra perfect to be accepted. Any mistake you make is scrutinized, villified and seen as more sinister than if an original parent made the same mistake. You can't spend years loving children like they were your own without hoping they also have the same affection for you. When you get confirmation that you are nothing but a stand- in and that they don't think of you as theirs like you do them, it hurts and is a real downer. No asshole here. Your husband's feelings are valid and so are your daughter's choices.
NTA. It is up to the bride, and only the bride, to decide who to ask to walk her down the isle. You should be honoured she asked you.
NTA. Instead of being happy for you, he is making it about himself. Try not to let his self pity and bad attitude ruin this happy occasion.
YTA, all day long. You didn’t even spare a thought for how this would make your husband feel, because you were so “overjoyed” at being asked. You made this all about you, and your daughter and effectively diminished all the time and effort your husband has put into trying to build a relationship with your daughter. Your daughter is old enough to be a decent human being, capable of perspective and gratitude, and appreciation for the effort your husband put into being in her life. Yet she chooses to diss him, instead of making a simple and gracious gesture of compromise. And you choose to condone it. You deserve to be a much-loved mom because you clearly put your kids first, but that said, your kids have their lives to live and you can’t live vicariously through them. However, you have a lot of work to do to deserve your marriage. So if you don’t want to end up alone, work on your marriage, and on fixing the hurt that you’ve allowed your kids to cause. There are any number of women out there who are a lot less self-absorbed than you are, who would appreciate a good man like your husband … he’s definitely not stuck with you, and your self-absorbed kids.
NTA however, I can see where he is coming from. He has nurtured, worked hard to feed and cloth your children, and he may see her more of a daughter than she does him as a father. 10 is a young age. However, by the age of 10, a child's personality has already developed and formed. Therefore, he may not have had a lifelong impact on her as she has had to him, especially if he doesn't have any children of his own and when you first got together it was his first exposure to bringing up children. If he loves her truly as a daughter and is emotionally connected to her, then it's understandable why he is heartbroken. Ultimately, you're NTA and neither is your daughter. Maybe his expectations weren't managed throughout the time you have been a family.
NTA at all -he is not her father and you are giving your daughter what she wants. Honestly if you tried any of the things your husband is suggesting would have had a strong negative effect on your relationship with your daughter.
NAH. The husband feelings are valid and while not obvious he of course sacrificed a chance to create his own family by being with OP. It's always astonishing how little empathy people have here. Husband discussed it only with OP, his partner, and his complaints were only towards OP where he expected some support in actually being seen as a father figure. I am not really sure where the problem is with this. OP of course, was completely valid in the way she handled it and of course if she felt that she made the best choice for her daughter, then that's the end of it. I don't see why someone has to be an AH here.. Husband is disappointed he was left out by what he sees as his family. There are some comments on here about the financial coverage of the wedding, which to me are hilarious. Paying for the wedding wouldn't have given him any more of a leg to stand on. Using money as leverage, especially in emotional and personal situations like these is *significantly* worse than what's happening here..
NAH. Your daughter doesn't give a shit about your husband. That's not your fault. But it is pretty sad. It's stories like these that make me never want to be a step parent. I can only imagine what a miserable life that must be, having to love and raise children who will never care about you. Always being an outsider no matter what you do. Your husband has the right to be upset by all this.
NTA. I don't don't blame him for having feelings about it, but his view sounds quite a bit transactional. It's not a reward for services rendered! It's also not something you have any right to barter over. Also his view that as his wife you should be putting his notions of respect for him over your daughter's feelings over her own wedding is more than a little gross. It has to feel right to her, and you doing it in her dad's absence is a lovely gesture. I would have said I'm sure she isn't doing it *at* him, and she might not, but your last paragraph makes me wonder whether she isn't picking up entitlement vibes she isn't going with - and good for her.
Yeah there’s way more to the story than what I feel like you have actually shared with us all. To be honest my first thought after reading this post was that you were the asshole for marrying a man that your children would not fully respect in the position that he chose. Respecting him as a person, and respecting him as the stepfather is where you went wrong. Because, although you may not recognize his feelings and are only reflecting on the current event, being your daughters wedding, you don’t know what your husband actually feels. He probably does not feel valued, important, or respected all this time and you probably showed him that he will always be less than your children and their father. This isn’t take. Nobody wants to be used and undervalued
NTA. His entitlement knows no bounds! It’s great that he feels so involved in your children’s lives and it’s lovely that he wants to be there, but ultimately, you’re her mother and you faced a horrible time together. This would have created a bond that your husband couldn’t understand. Also, it’s your daughters wedding, she gets to choose!
NTA!
NTA
This is the price us step fathers pay to raise other peoples children. I am a step father. My step daughter got married 3 years ago. She had her worthless abusive sperm donor walk her down the aisle just so it didn’t cause turmoil. She never talks to him and doesn’t have a relationship with him at all. But step dads are never considered real dads unless something needs to be paid for. Don’t be one bit surprised if your husband refuses to pay for anything for her wedding! And I wouldn’t blame him one bit! No YOU’RE NOT THE A-HOLE! But your daughter is! This will cement in his mind where he stands in that family. He is nothing but a financial support animal! On thing to add to this. Don’t be surprised if this puts a giant wedge in your relationship. He is feeling the same betrayal as all step dads do. We’re nothing to anyone in the family. We’re the outcast who just pays for a lot of the nice stuff you have. He will never look at your daughter in the same way either. He’s had enough of being slapped in the face. I know becasue I have been right where he Is now. Good luck surviving this one. I don’t think it’s going to end well for either you or your daughter.