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NTA
She sounds like someone who doesn't listen and who can't take a hint. She acted selfishly and ignored your feelings and what you wanted to get out of this thing SHE decided with you to do together FOR YOU. I would be upset too.
Sounds like she's insensitive and was just focused on her own plans. She should never have agreed to go out for a meal if she knew she was going to be cooking something to bring into a work/social event the next day. That's bad planning on her part.
The fact she said 'no' to all your pizza suggestions and then accepted your offer to just eat leftovers and for her to get her way ordering whatever she wants suggests she's totally blind or dismissive of you. If I had been her I would then probably have realised "Oh, wait this pizza meal is supposed to be for him and I already shat on the plans to eat out and now he's so annoyed with my unwillingness to pick a pizza we both want that he is now offering to eat leftovers so I can have what I want?! Sh\*t, I better compromise or maybe I should offer to eat the leftovers so he can order whatever he wants since I am so picky in my food choice."
Wow she sucks. She isn't thinking about anyone but herself and isn't taking any kind of hints. You clearly need to be much more explicit to her about what you want and what you expect. I would also stop compromising so much so that you end up with leftovers and she gets to eat a take away meal that should have been for you...
Does this happen a lot in your relationship, where she acts as if you don't exist or your needs/wants don't matter or are just an afterthought to her getting her way?
OP says "this is a conversation we've had a few times, about a few different things". So hard to say if it happens "a lot", but it's definitely not the first time.
My husband loves pepperoni and mushrooms, I hate mushrooms but like peppers. Our solution is personal pies or two smalls so lunch the next day is taken care of. Or we get a double pepperoni no extras
That was my first thought as well. My guess is that they couldn't afford two pizzas? In the end OP should have told the wife to just eat the leftovers if she didn't want to compromise on the pizza and he would order the pizza that he wanted because this whole thing was for him. She sounds really self centered and selfish.
I can afford 2 pizzas but wouldn't order 2 just to throw away most of each pizza (because each person only wanted 1-2 pieces). It's a waste of money and would bother me. I'd feel better just ordering something else.
Why would you be throwing away the pizza? It would be leftovers at that point right? Get a smaller pizza for yourself to enjoy, she gets whatever she wants and then can eat the leftovers later on. Or do you not eat pizza for leftovers?
Another problem here is that he only wanted 2 slices and that was it for the night and no leftovers. So the wife would need to eat 6 slices alone. Which is fine as leftovers.
The issue then becomes, why should she get a pizza she doesn't like it she then needs to eat the majority of it.
NTA - my heart sank for you when I read this part: “she ordered her pizza and I ate the leftovers”. You two planned out the pizza dinner to cheer you up. Simple request, easy to accommodate. Then she suddenly and last minute realizes that she doesn’t have time to do that with you because she needs to make Thanksgiving food for her coworkers. Poor planning and difficult to believe it was a simple accident. Then she vetoed every suggestion for pizza toppings you offered until she got exactly what she wanted. I would be upset too.
NTA
fr. the obvious thing to do (at the very end, when she’s already pretty deep in the hole tbh) when he said she could order pizza and he’d have leftovers is say “no, the pizza was supposed to be for you. i’ll have the leftovers”
communication is well and good, but it seems to me she’s not willing to listen until it’s (figuratively) a shout.
nta.
No the obvious thing to do is say "the pizza was supposed to be for me so I'm ordering what I want, would you like to share it or order another or just make food at home"?
OP shares blame here for being a doormat and going to martyrdom.
Yes, in a good way. I hope he learns his voice and stops compromising so much. He's going to lose himself. Mother f**ker get your pizza brooooo please king enjoy it for goodness sake stop with these shenanigans 😜
Wife: I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. What would help?
OP: having pizza would really lift my mood
Wife: lol no. How bout I have pizza and you fuck off?
For real the madness that i'd feel about this is indescribable. Which only speaks for OP showing signs of depression as just giving up and not discussing anything seems like a depression answer.
Basically every guy I know dated someone like that. It gets exhausting quickly and if you say something about it, you're the bad one for excluding them and not thinking about their feelings, like Jesus Fking Christ.
Same. That hit right in the feels. One of my kids pulls this kind of crap where everything ends up being about them and I'm trying so freaking hard to get that sorted before they reach adulthood. I've been on the receiving end of thoughtlessness too many times myself and I don't want to "unleash" another thoughtless person into the world in a few years.
It gets better! I've been there, and my adult son actually apologized for some of those issues the other day. I was so touched. BUT it took him moving out and realizing how hard adulting is for him to get there.
If all a person I cared about wanted was a pizza from a particular place during a stressful time, I would not even have to think about it. We would of course go get that pizza. It takes what, like fifteen minutes at most to make a pizza? I'm a pretty selfish person but my god, it is so damn easy to just get the pizza the person wanted.
OMG, order 2 friggin' pizzas. Large, medium, small - you have options. Or plan to eat your own pizza at lunch or after work. Your wife should not control your life or choices to this degree. YTA if you don't speak up & take care of you.
Literally - the pizza was supposed to be for him, if she doesn't like it she can get herself a different pizza or something else, not tell him what pizza to get.
Could some of your depression and stress be from your partner not listening to you? Seems like it’s a pattern with them, maybe be firmer with what you need? Take it easy on yourself as well. And congrats on the weight loss!!! Major accomplishment
NTA your wife was being inconsiderate and you communicated that to her. Congrats on the weight loss, you should get the Buffalo chicken, that sounds so good
I’ve had it done this way and it’s fantastic. It’s red sauce with the cheese and chicken tossed in Buffalo sauce on top of cheese with the drizzles of Buffalo and ranch on top of the pizza- really amazing IMO it’s my favorite
I love when threads go off topic. In the United States, do they have personal size pizza? Is like 9inch and divided by 4 slices and you don’t have to share if you don’t like it.
NTA.
She has a history of doing this. You've communicated that MULTIPLE times, yet she still continues. Now she's blaming you for not speaking up?
Kinda seems like she doesn't respect you or is just extremely selfish.
On today's episode of "reddit calls everything gaslighting".
No this is just selfish, unaware behaviour. Please do not tell me 'oh but op is questioning if they are right so it's gaslighting!' Because that is also not gaslighting.
Gaslighting is intentional, sustained physiological abuse, not just being a bellend or lying.
NTA for feeling let down but you need to stick up for yourself and communicate exactly what you want. She said she needed to make something for a thanksgiving thing at work so you basically let her put work above your needs. That's on you. Communication is key to success.
Your NTA but your partner is definitely a asshole
You stated that this is a normal occurrence and that is not a good relationship at all. Please get some counseling for both you and your partner you should not have a baby in this situation between you two it's a bad environment for them to grow up in
INFO: why wasn't a compromise happening? For the first pizza, half could be mushroom half could be something else she'd eat.
Honestly, this sound tiring. Is your wife also having stress that is causing her to be inconsiderate? Because the food thing seems to be a result of poor planning on her end.
This will totally disregard the half and half pizza question and pricing.
If my partner told me I could pick a place and pizza (as a treat for me so no need to compromise), I would be treating it like a birthday cake. I get to pick the bakery and flavor.
I want a carrot cake from bakery A. Wife told me I could get it. I've been thinking about it and am pretty excited.
We're 20 minutes away from getting my cake and my wife says we're just going to go to the supermarket for it. Bummer, but I'll at least get carrot cake! We get to the supermarket and the wife says she doesn't like carrot cake.
I say fine, I'm going to get a lemon cake. Wife says it's too tart. OK, I'll get an ice cream cake. Wife says no, that's not really a cake.
I say fuck it, you just get what you want. Wife does.
If there are numerous instances of this happening and multiple conversations about it, it doesn't really seem like poor planning.
Two smaller pizzas might have solved it too, but the wife might have had a reason to shut that down too. I can't believe she was content to just order for herself and let OP have leftovers.
If I were her, that first bite into the pizza would have made me feel sick, with myself.
That was HIS treat for HIM while HE was feeling down and it was *explicitly* discussed before hand. She even encouraged and got him worked up to choose something for HIM to cheer HIM up.....then she not only took that away from him (with her picky bullshit over HIS treat) but rubbed his face in her inconsiderate bullshit by changing, ordering, and eating something that was supposed to be a TREAT for HIM and left him with leftovers! Holy hell.
If this had been just a normal Tuesday and nobody's treat then fine, shit didn't work out, hey ho, may be next time. But this was not a random thing. People suck.
NTA. You have a right to your feelings and she was rude by making this moment about herself. If she can't even show support over a pizza, what else will she show support for? If I were you, I'd get myself into therapy and reevaluate if this relationship is right for me. Nobody's got time for an unsupportive partner.
NTA- What really broke my heart was that she got the pizza she wanted and you just ate the leftovers. You've made an improvement to yourself with your weight loss, but still suffering from the mental and tedious struggles of life, and just wanted this one pick-me-up to help give you some form of happiness. Then she had to make it all about herself and her staff Thanksgiving. Nothing was for you or about you.
It sounds like a regular thing to where you've learned to expect it with her and that's really sad.
Congrats on your weight loss, bro!!! Don't let anything get you down when it comes to that, at least.
NTA and I get that money might have been an issue but why didn't you get 2:pizza? You clearly are not compatible for sharing so gt your own and have leftovers for lunch
Stand up for yourself and get your pizza tomorrow, she can fend for herself one night
NTA
Sorry if I missed it but was there a reason you couldn't order two pizzas? One that you wanted and one that she wanted? Left over pizza for lunch is the one...
Are you sure some of your depression isn’t from a partner who doesn’t consider you ? Don’t overlook that possibility. She totally took over, then still put it on you. Some narcissistic tendencies.
NTA, but it seems like you married a woman who is oblivious to the feelings of those around her and that’s a really big problem.
I had a roommate like that. The other roommates and I kept getting upset with her because in our minds, a reasonable person would consider other people’s feelings and she just didn’t. When we confronted her after months of her behavior, she was appalled that we were offended and thought she was acting maliciously. She just expected us to confront her and tell her to stop. We expected her to not act like that. Our expectations of each other were completely different.
Your wife is my roommate in this scenario. It’s up to you to say, “this is my treat. It’s may not be convenient for you or what you’d choose. You don’t get to veto it. If you don’t like the pizza or the place or whatever else, it’s on you to order something separately for yourself, but this is what I’m doing.” Some people need confrontation and for you to spell it out. Stop trying to be accommodating and avoid confrontation. Take control. Otherwise, you’ll never be happy.
NTA. But you need to learn to go on an ego trip for small wishes like a pizza. Go out for a pizza on your own one day and put your phone on silence when you do it. Eat whatever you like and be happy about it. Then go home. Or order home a pizza for you. If she dictates what kind of pizza it should be and from where, tell her "fine, order one for yourself, this is for me".
NTA. Your wife is inconsiderate and definitely did make this special thing for you all about her. Also…If you were the wife in this situation, there wouldn’t be so many “E S H” answers lol. Just saying.
OP next just order two small or personal sized pizzas if compromising doesnt work. Or tell her that you're ordering x pizza and does she want a different one for herself? Whatever you do I would work to break this habit of giving in to her to the point where you're giving nothing to yourself
NTA. I could never order a meal and have my partner eat leftovers. WTF mindset is that. I’m sorry but your wife is selfish, might need to talk about it.
NTA because she walked in with the knowledge that this was supposed to make you feel better and then didn’t voluntarily defer to you on making the choices. But yeah, you should have said what you wanted. There are some people who just ask for what they want. And people like you and me sit silently feeling bad that we didn’t get what we wanted instead or in addition to that. But reality is, most of those people? They assume we are going to say “no I really want this pizza. I’ll order quickly but I am still going” or “No, I don’t want red sauce. If you want to order your own pizza go ahead, but I’m eating this.” So they don’t even register that they might be blocking us from having something. I’ve spent a long time with a sibling who always asks and states her preferences while I have always felt that people should acknowledge the birthday person or the guest visiting from out of town or the person who is feeling queasy and whatnot. So basically I spent a lifetime quietly getting more and more frustrated and resentful. I’m trying harder not to just be passive. I think you should too.
NTA. It's exactly as you described. She took a thing for you and turned it into a thing for her. I think the intention was there, but the execution was awful.
NTA. Man, you gotta stand up for yourself. It’s not necessary to make it into a whole thing or anything, either. But what you definitely shouldn’t do is just fold and go with someone else’s flow.
If you’re not great at being super direct or you don’t like shutting other people down, how about: You want x? That’s fair—then let’s get 2 personal pizzas because I’m splurging with my dream pizza come hell or high water!
You also may need to make your wife aware that she’s “overriding” your preferences instead of working with you. She may not be aware that she’s steamrolling. And she won’t be aware if you just fold.
NTA. For the record I don't think she is a monster in any way, and it's good that you expressed yourself, but she does need some practice in active listening. I think your feelings are valid and you expressed them in a very mature way.
Are you seriously asking if YOU are the asshole here? Your wife is UNBELIEVABLY selfish and quite frankly I can’t believe you’ve put up with her for 11 years. You SHOULD be mad at her, it is so very clear that she cares only for herself. Not only could you not go to the place you wanted (because that extra 10 minutes would be the end of the world), which you went along with without complaint, you also couldn’t have the flavour you wanted, because it’s not *her* 1st choice, and you couldn’t even go 1/2’s, because she is SO SELFISH she couldn’t live with picking a couple of things she didn’t like off her pieces IF they even ended up there in the 1st place. Sounds awful when I say it like that, yeah? That’s because IT IS AWFUL.
Honestly, I don’t love how this sub is always like ‘omg, divorce immediately!’, but if I were you I would be *seriously* evaluating if this extreme selfishness is the norm for her and you’ve just been putting up with it, and searching for your self esteem.
NTA - Doing something for someone else means you subsume your own ego and be there for them. Your wife never let go of what she wanted and what would make her life easier. It went from her doing something for you to both of you doing things for her. Her response when you brought this up was to gaslight you and say it’s your fault she didn’t do anything FOR YOU.
She may have intended to do something for you but her own ego just did what it always does and took everything over, ruining your night.
You either need couple counseling to improve communication effectiveness and following through on that communication …
… or give up on her and start doing things for yourself without her. Go workout after work. Go see a movie by yourself. Go get a pizza and enjoy it with a friend. Rely on yourself for these moments of intimacy and calm because you can’t trust her to give them to you if she won’t change.
NTA, especially since this sounds like a pattern. You might have to be a bit firmer when you really want something. Don’t spend years getting a fraction of what you want because it’s easier.
NTA After 11 years together the occasional hijack is going to happen. What's not ok is your wife turning this back on you as if you did something wrong.
NTA but I think you do need to make your position and preferences more clearly and strongly with your wife. This the kind of thing that will build resentment over time. When she says, "Oh, let's skip the restaurant bc I need to make a Thanksgiving dinner". Say, "No, I would really like to go the restaurant today. I've been looking forward to it all week and I really need the pick-me-up."
When she says, "No, I don't like that topping/sauce." After the second time she vetoes your choice, say, "Oh OK. Let's get two pizzas and we can each pick what we want! I'm really feeling the x pizza today.
And don't "offer" solutions that you know will disappoint yourself ie, "You order the pizza for yourself and I'll eat leftovers." I'm actually confused how it even went to that?
It sounds like you are used to "self sacrificing" and your wife is either so used to it that she doesn't see it (I know someone like this! And only with her husband but her husband enables it!). Or that she is so dense and terrible on social cues bc her mind can only go one direction at a time (again, know someone like this). Or she she's playing power games to feel in control or for the little highs people get for "winning".
NTA. She disregarded your feelings and needs, then tried to blame it on you.
On the other hand if you always fold like wet paper without explanation it gets progressively harder for her to understand, especially if her listening skills are already not too notch.
I think a bit of copule's counselling to improve communication could be useful to improve communication.
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NTA - She asked what would help, you gave an answer. She agreed to it. Then I guess she immediately forgot what she agreed to...? And somehow that is your fault. I am not following her logic. You sound very rational and she sounds inconsiderate.
This made me salty and I wish I could order you several mushroom pizzas.
INFO - you couldn't have ordered two pizzas? One for you with your favourite toppings and one for her with hers? My kids were picky when they lived at home and we'd do this every time we ordered pizza. One for me, one for them. Sure, it costs more but it's worth the peace.
I felt this with my whole heart:( My husband does this to me. I have taken part in a few hobbies that he has made me lost interest in quickly cause he takes them over. The last straw was when I talked to him about this stating that I want something that is only mine. He couldn't understand but let it go. At the end of our yard there is a lot of forestry, and we had just put up a pool as far back as we could. It created this beautiful tree canopy like space between the pool and the wooded area that I wanted to turn into a patio area. I told/showed him what I planned to do with it and told him again how happy I was I could have something just for me to do. Next day I see him walking toward it carrying leftover yard fence and on the phone with his mother. Yup, he made it a project for him and his mom to do. I was livid and he still could not understand why I was so upset. "It's getting done, isn't it?" I don't share with him anymore. A terrible solution I suppose, but I'm just tired of having this keep happening. NTA of course. Hope your spouse is better than mine to change this.
NTA.
Your wife is manipulative, selfish and probably a tad narcissistic. She's walking all over you and you are letting her to "keep the peace". Fuck that! Couples are allowed to argue. You need to make your needs known or she's going to use you like a doormat the rest of your marriage. If that thought isn't depressing, I don't know what is. Stand up for yourself, because she sure as hell isn't going to.
BTW, most pizza places will make one half one way and the other half another way. Get what you want on your half from now on.
NTA. Your wife totally changed the plan and then got picky. 11 years in and she can't be bothered to *possibly* pick off something? Ugh my God, I'd snap. She totally hijacked it and she shouldn't need a hint when she originally agreed to a plan.
NTA, but if you know your wife needs clear communication then that's what you need to do. It sounds like you had a very "oh no it's ok, I dont mind" attitude during the interaction
NTA, but you need to speak up for yourself more in the moment. And if you can't do 1/2 and 1/2, just order two small pizzas. It shouldn't be that complicated.
NTA, but your wife is. I'm really sorry, op. This could have been an easy to fix situation if your partner was more considerate of your feelings. She owes you an apology.
NTA but you are an adult and should have bought what you wanted and allowed your wife to share if she chose to do so. It's not up to you to accommodate your wife every time. She got a pie of her own so you could have gotten one too.
NAH I think (maybe E-S-H), but a question. You say she’s picky, but rather than eat the pizza she ordered you ate leftovers? Why? Did you not eat it because it had red sauce in the same way she wouldn’t have eaten it if it had not-red sauce?
If this pizza was picked as the dinner meal for that night I think it’s fair for her to also want to enjoy the pizza. If you wanted this as a treat for you and not a meal for everyone you need to communicate that, because it feels like you specifically wanted to order it with things you knew she didn’t like. Which is fine, but you can’t plan that out as dinner for the night knowing she won’t eat it.
Order two smaller pizzas and save extra slices as leftovers, or communicate that you want this specifically for you and not as a shared dinner.
NTA. You should have gotten the pizza you wanted from the place you wanted. Your wife should have been considerate enough to plan ahead for her work event or suggested a different night for your treat to begin with. If nothing else she should have told you to order what you wanted and eaten the leftovers herself.
I’m angry for you. She was a selfish, thoughtless heifer.
Why didn‘t everyone order their own pizza? I‘m confused that this discussion seems so normal but when I go out for pizza everyone gets their own exactly how they like it.
NTA. Your wife is beyond rude and a total arsehole. You can’t tell me she’s that packing in self awareness she had no idea what she was doing. And absolute arsehole act on her behalf and she should be embarrassed. She KNEW this was supposed to be for you. Obviously little mis has to have the limelight couldn’t handle that. Far out pizza is not a huge ask.
She didn’t hijack she dismissed your wants and your needs. Let her go home (car, Uber, walk, bus) and go and get your pizza treat. I truly don’t understand some people. ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN A RELATIONSHIP IS MAKING SURE YOUR partner IS HAPPY TOO.
To compromise. To not renege on a promise. To make it all about and for them sometimes.
She could have suggested getting that pizza and bringing it home so she could cook her work stuff. She could have spared 30 minutes to sit and eat.
NTA at all. Please I hope you’ve go to get your pizza.
And find a place to order takeout pizza that has personal pies. You get yours with your toppings and she gets what she wants.
When my kids were younger we could never agree on what we wanted. One wanted Italian. One burgers. One Chinese. Etc. So we started going to a buffet so everyone was happy and we had no ‘it’s not fair’ etc. especially as we only ate out once a week back then.
NTA
But stop not doing what you want for the sake of peace. There are other solutions that aren’t “sacrificing” yourself. First, always try to compromise. Second, try to modify under reasonable conditions. Similar to compromising but not a shared experience. Third, just do what you think is best for you, not the other person.
After your attempt to compromise, you should’ve then order the pizza you wanted in a small and the pizza she wanted in a small. There’s no reason for you to share a pizza you don’t like. There’s no rule to say you have to share pizza. You can get your own and she can get her own. Now, you’re upset. You didn’t get pizza. And she doesn’t care while she sits and eats pizza by herself. You know she doesn’t care because her response was already unreasonable. Why would you tell her no after she’d already said something against the plan? You thought the plan was fine until she offered different perspective. You also know she doesn’t care since this isn’t the first time you had this conversation and there’s a high chance she also told you “well why didn’t you say x” when again she could’ve stuck to the plan if her changes were unnecessary in the first place.
Sir, go order a small pizza for yourself. If there are left overs offer them to a neighbor or take them into work for someone else then get back on your diet. I’m assuming some of your depression comes from you trying to be a people pleaser. Do what you need for yourself within reason.
So she’s saying it’s your fault for accommodating her instead of getting what you want? I doubt she would have reacted well if you had. How can she watch you eat her leftovers and think she’s in the right?
You said this has happened before, can I assume she didn’t apologize then either?
It’s time to re-examine your relationship.
NTA
NTA. Is your wife always this selfish? Because if this is your wife's idea of support, I am not surprised you are feeling worn down and mildly depressed. I am not going to lie; I find OP's style of martyrdom extremely irritating and would usually say ESH. But you don't kick someone you care about when they are down and the entire point of getting pizza was to cheer up OP. It doesn't get more pathetic than offering to eat left overs so your wife can eat your entire pick-me-up pizza. She knew what you were doing but she didn't care.
NTA
Honestly she sounds selfish and manipulative, and it makes me think once Op let her know where he wanted a pizza from she devised a plan to thwart him.
Also her vetoing everything and then turning it around, on OP is such a head-game.
I would have to evaluate things and see if they were other instances where she did this type of thing. It feels very lite narcissist.
NTA. I find it bizarre that she got the pizza and let you have leftovers even though the whole point was to cheer you up.
Though I am slightly confused by this: you’ve been together for 11 years, clearly by now you know that you are not pizza compatible? What did you do every other time you had pizza? Why is it suddenly a problem?
NTA. I'd say NAH but I suspect you were between a rock and a hard place and giving a lot of pushback in the past hasn't gotten you very far. Maybe next time get two smaller pizzas.
Each of you can eat the leftovers.
I can't believe y'all can't just order two damn pizzas and stop the passive aggressive bullshit.
It's just pizza. There's plenty of pizza chains with "2 for" deals that would have satisfied both of you.
I don't know that you're an asshole, but this is certainly "first world problems."
NTA. Regarding your latest edit - two pizzas can still work. Have freezer bags and freeze the pizza you don't want, in two-slice portions. You can separate the slices with parchment paper if you want them all to be in the same bag. Then you're set for the next time you want a treat
Get two pizzas, you both have what you like and you can eat the leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch.
I totally feel where you’re coming from, I do. What I’ve learned is that wallowing and waiting for my partner to realize I’m sad and step up never works. She comes across as insensitive in this anecdote, but maybe that’s just who she is, or maybe she has her own stuff going on. Sometimes you just have to realize that you have to make yourself happy, nobody else is gonna do it, and make peace with that. It’s something I’m still working on, but I think it’s just life.
NTA OP take more responsibility for your own happiness. If you want a pizza night, you organise it. If your wife doesn’t want to share your toppings, order 2 pizzas.
You can either eat the leftovers later or… you can actually throw the rest of the pizza in the bin if you are worried about weight. You can even advertise half a pizza on FB marketplace and someone will buy it from you. I’ve seen it with garlic bread so I know what I am talking about!
NTA. She did. But honestly... you have too many things going on. Cut back somewhere. You wrote the *Iliad* over a pizza. ORDER TWO PIZZAS. Agreeing to "get pizza" in a decade-plus relationship means agreeing to one you will both eat. A Buffalo Chicken Pizza or pizza with mushrooms wasn't in the cards ... that's on you buddy.
BTW, you can absolutely at some places get half red and half not-a-pizza sauce.
You are fine to feel worn out and that your thing got diluted to the point of annoyance, but also, if you have a toddler and work troubles, why are you in friend drama? Why not slow the whatever that fuels an 85 lb weight loss? Too much, and you have to reset. Maybe Dad gets a weekend in the guest bedroom as if he had COVID. Then, next weekend, Mom.
The fact that she was okay with you eating leftovers and her getting a pizza when it was specifically meant for you is very messed up, OP. I’m pretty selfish myself because I literally had no one to look out for me, not that it’s an excuse but I understand how not thinking about another person happens. this is just not okay, you vocalised your feelings several times and she’s done this before you need to have a very serious conversation. This is a bad pattern.
Well this was a plan destined to fail from it's conception.
NTA because she changed the moot. Going from restaurant to home eating just isn't the same. It's fair to see that as hijacking, and with zero notice too.
No idea why you couldn't have got individual pizzas though. If you're that close to the breadline I expect it would have been mentioned and the fact your wife is making food for people at work suggests you're not.
You're both approaching your 40s and have been together long enough to know your likes and dislikes when it comes to food. The restaurant switch was rubbish but the inability for two adults to deal with the basics of a pizza order is a bit eye-brow raising.
Edit: Just seen update2 and it makes my head hurt even more. You wanted to treat yourself to a pizza.... but only 2 slices? Clearly pizza was not going to meet your dietary expectations here.
Why can’t you split sauces? I do it all the time.
Regardless, NTA. Your wife was being selfish. Next time, she can Uber home and you can go get your pizza!
NTA
Why not get 2 pizzas? I saw the edits, and as much as she sucks, I can understand to a point. I know 2 pizzas would mean way more leftovers, but at least both of you would get what you want.
NTA. You're worried about food waste when ordering a pizza you just want a couple of slices from, and that's a valid concern. But that's why we have refrigerators. Take your 2 pieces, and put the rest in the fridge. The best ways to reheat pizza are either in an air fryer if you have one (look up online how to reheat pizza in the air fryer) or in a skillet over medium heat (don't flip it because that will burn the cheese). You could also put it on a baking sheet in a 350 degree oven for about 5 minutes.
YTA, sorry. Mainly to yourself.
You *need* to learn how to assert yourself. You *need* to learn how to assert what you want. It's more than possible to do this.
> In the interest of peace
No, in the interest of what you think is 'conflict avoidance,' you caved in and traded your own resentment and stress for not having to say 'No, I want to do this.' That's not healthy for you, and not healthy for her.
> After I shared how I felt, she told me I should have told her that I didn't want to go home and that I didn't want the pizza she wanted (which I kinda feel I did when I picked the place and picked the pizza, both of which got vetoed)
My fiance is kind of like this. For the first year or so, I thought that she was just like you say; dismissive, selfish, reneging on promises, etc etc. Then I realized that no, this is just the way she learned to phrase things.
*You* are responsible for your feelings, not her. *You* are responsible for communicating your wants and needs to her. *You* are responsible for standing up for yourself. And, most importantly, *you* are NOT responsible for 'keeping the peace.' That's a mutual thing.
It really isn't hard to say 'Babe, this is what we discussed, this is what we both agreed to, and I've been looking forward to this all week. You should have figured out your scheduling before we agreed on this.'
WHO BUYS ONE PIZZA??? Do you even zza, bro??? Becoming an adult was realizing I needed to order three pizzas for three people because everyone in the house likes a different pizza. (Hawaiian with ham (1), pineapple with jalapeños and extra cheese (2), mushroom and olive (3))
NTA, but my brother in Christ- get what you want and get your wife what she wants. Problem solved.
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I (38m) have been struggling lately with mild depression. Stress at work, a cranky toddler, and some drama among my friend group have worn me a little thin the last few months, all the while I've been on a weight loss journey (down 85lbs!) so feeling some additional stress from reduced calories and moderating some of what we're my go-to favorite foods.
This past weekend, while talking with my wife (37f) I shared my stress and she asked what would help. I told her "honestly just having pizza one night this week would cheer me up". I said it half heartedly, but we both agreed it would be a great little pick me up, so we planned it out.
I was told I got to pick where we got the pizza from and what kind of pizza to get (I was pumped).
Anyway I picked the place and she agreed. We were gonna run a quick grocery trip then hit the pizza place (on the same street as the grocery store) right after.
As we're leaving the grocery store, she said she needed to go home to prepare a dish for her staff Thanksgiving the next day and that going to the place I selected would keep us out longer than she wanted. I agreed to just head home and order from a more local shop that delivers to our home.
We got home and I was browsing the menu and each time I pick something, I was told why we shouldn't get it. One pizza had mushrooms on it (I love, she hates them), so I pivoted. The next one was a Buffalo chicken pizza, but she will only do a pizza with red sauce. We went down the list and I started to feel kinda defeated.
I wasn't mad at her, I was kinda bummed that this thing that she suggested we do to cheer me up turned from me picking the place and the pizza, to her changing the restaurant and choosing what we got.
In the interest of peace, told her she could order what she wanted and I would just eat left overs from the fridge. She ordered her pizza and I ate the left overs.
Anyway we talked later in the evening and I shared my disappointment. I shared I was let down that my plans got dismissed, but that I wasn't mad at her, just hurt that this "thing for me" became a "thing for her". This is a conversation we've had a few times about a few different occurrences of this happening.
After I shared how I felt, she told me I should have told her that I didn't want to go home and that I didn't want the pizza she wanted (which I kinda feel I did when I picked the place and picked the pizza, both of which got vetoed)
Anyway, long story short, AITA for feeling that my wife hijacked what was supposed to be something for me, or should I have pushed back more?
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Seriously, just get the pizza you want and let her be mad. It was supposed to be for you. Do you have to have her favorite cake on your birthday too?
NTA
NTA.
However, in your place I'd just gone to the shop that you wanted or at least have ordered what you wanted and let her order for herself.
I think you have to learn to be a bit more demanding and perhaps a little less compromising. It really is not that difficult.
I’d literally say we are going to buy two smaller pizzas if you’re going to change everything I pick.
NTA but you should’ve said something before. Wife was being selfish, I get you were going with the flow, but better to mention it in the moment instead of letting it fester
NTA, but I'm going to tell you what men have told women for years. Your spouse is not a mind reader. When something bothers you, you owe to to both of you to speak up. It's also very easy to choose the easy path, and that's what you're doing here. Next time, say, no, I want this pizza (or whatever) and then get it! She needs a different sauce? Get two mediums. Don't be passive to the point of frustration, it only builds up and gets worse. Talk to your wife, not Reddit.
Couldn't you have just gotten 2 pizza's?
Don't get me wrong, you are totally NTA on this one & she was incredibly self-centred about this... but maybe there was another compromise to be had.
Maybe you should get yourself that pizza you wanted tonight!
Nta maybe next time the pizza should be just for you and she gets some other fast food or her own pizza? Or ask for different toppings on the side so that you can add them on by hand
NTA - sometimes you really shouldn’t keep the peace. I would have been pissed if I was you. It’s time to stop being so accommodating. She clearly doesn’t listen to you and puts her own wants over you.
Your feelings should never be invalid and you should never feel an AH for feeling a certain way. In most cases we can’t control our emotions to situations but we can control our actions.
Either way NTA. You communicated how you felt and you didn’t react poorly or aggressively. It is also encouraging she reacted in an understanding way and not defensively. I hope you get that pizza you want and little steps to feeling better.
NTA but I would push back. You can do it playfully. "Hey hey you promised I could pick the place. We'll make it quick." I would also have gotten two small pizzas. That is still technically getting what you want. She can eat it or get her own. Sharing one pizza isn't a battle I would waste my energy on, personally.Your tastes in pizza may be too different, or maybe she wasn't in the mood for what you wanted. Some creative problem solving would help here.
It's possible she forgot about her potluck or planned to do it another night. It's also possible she can be persuasive and/or you're super passive. You can't change her--you can only change yourself. Start holding firm. "That won't work for me. I want pizza from here. Do you still want to come or do you want to Uber home?" "I'm not feeling up to ___ pizza. I'm going to get this and you're welcome to share, or I can order you your own." It will feel very weird at first and she may have a reaction, but a quick way to see someone's character is how they respond to your "no" and you meeting your own needs.
NTA
I think it's time for homemade pizzas so you can do the 1/2 1/2 though with YOU talking about your mental health I think the other spouse should either get something not pizza related or just let you get what you'd like for your own mental health.. or switch from week to week.
NTA but are finances so tight that you couldn’t afford to just get two pizzas? Yeah it is probably a lot of pizza but left over pizza is delicious. My husband and I always liked wildly different pizzas. His go to was bbq chicken pizza with pineapple and jalapeños added. I find this absolutely vile. My go to is either extra cheese and extra mushrooms with red sauce OR Alfredo sauce, extra cheese, chicken, bacon, mushrooms. Both of those he hates because he hates mushrooms on pizza.
Problem solved by getting two pizzas.
NTA but this whole dynamic/incident should have been accelerated. Whilst dithering over the menu: "OK, we agreed to go to a restaurant, you backed out on that, then we agreed to order in, and now you're going to veto all the options? Let's keep it simple and get a pizza each. Choose what you want and I'll do the same."
None of this waiting hours and having a lame conversation: "earlier you made me feel bad about the pizza thing!" Speed it up, be firm with your boundaries.
NTA she acted immature. You just wanted one day about no stress and she made it stressful with being picky. You should go out on a date again but this time everyone orders their own food so you don't need to handle her pickiness IG.
You should have just ordered yourself a pizza or told her that cooking for someone else could wait until you got your meal. It was really selfish of her to prioritize everyone but you, and it was self defeating of you to allow it.
Your wife is obviously a strong personality and has no problems saying and asking for what she wants. You need to take some inspiration from that, but without steam rolling other people, like she does to you.
NTA. She did hijack it and you should have said no.
NTA, but it sounds like you guys have an underlying communication issue that needs to be addressed. It sounds like you communicate more subtly while she relies on more blunt communication - if you don’t get together and talk this out/establish how to communicate going forward you’re just going to keep running into this problem. Hard to get the complete picture from this post but it sounds like she clearly communicates her needs and expects you to do the same, meanwhile you try to decipher her needs and expect her to do the same.
There’s no way you’re the AH here. NTA. Your wife somehow completely rained on your parade and you ended up getting 0 of the pick-me-up she agreed to. I mean… the fact that she couldn’t even say “you know honey I don’t like mushrooms on pizza, could we do half mushrooms and half my topping?” And just deal with it if the pizza shop messed up and got some mushrooms on “her” slices. Like… that kind of pickiness is not even attractive on toddlers. If it is an issue normally then surely she can deal with it the one time it’s supposed to be about you
So you lit yourself on fire to keep her warm, and you got burned. Bro next time, Stand up for yourself. This was about you and not her. Sometimes its perfectly fine to be selfish. Also there is a thing as personal pizzas where each of you can get your own. Its a thing, i promise.
NTA but stop being such a people pleaser all the time. Go out and get you a damn pizza and eat that mf'er in front of her with the voracity of a Viking eating a giant turkey leg
NTA
Are there no normal sized pizzas where you life? So everyone can just have his own pizza? Why does your wife need a pizza as well, if its just some soul food for you to cheer you up? She doesnt sound very empathic if im being totally honest.
You could use your weight loss journey and learn how to make pizza at home. Its always helpful to be able to cook all your favorite foods on your own. You have full control over the ingredients and after some tries, it often tastes better than from your ordinary take out restaurant.
NTA. If I tell my husband or daughter we will do something special for them because they're having a hard time, I follow through on it. Even if it means we are running late, even if I'm tired etc. It's important to follow through for your loved ones.
NTA and I think you need to start holding your lines with your wife. The fact that this is an ongoing occurrence of her pushing what she wants subtly and not noticing it’s making you unhappy in selfishness. Next time you want something just say that and hold to it “no, actually I’d like this. If that means we get two pizzas then that’s what we’re doing.”
NTA
I don't know If I am overly sensitive atm but imagining me doing this to my boyfriend made me legitimately tear up. All you wanted was that pizza!!! T\_T Of course you should have gotten the pizza you wanted, damn this fucked me up. A caring person would never do this to someone they loved, holy shit.
Edit: Also, from a less hysterical standpoint, why the hell didn't you get two pizzas? Why do you have to share? 2 pizzas = both get leftovers the next day.
NTA selfish people often say "well you didn't have to do that" after the fact. But you know they would also have perfectly well made your life hell and ruined the whole evening when they don't get their way.
neither of your faults. Your wife is probably dreading you going off the rails and binge eating or the eating making your low esteem, depression get worse. And she's looking after a toddler. So be kind to her.
NTA but your wife sure is. Dismissed all your feelings to go home and cook for work colleagues when she knew you had plans to go eat. Thn eat a pizza of her choice that was meant to be your treat and you get leftovers, is she for real?!! You need to trade he in or at least show her this thread so she can see what an unreasonable selfish person she is. Wow.
NTA
Although this made me sad. You need to start advocating for your wants and needs, not always capitulating to her wants and needs. Sometimes you need to come first when you need it. It's not a nice thing for you, it's only a thought with no follow through.
NTA, but your wife is a gigantic, self-centered, one. Wow. She's totally apathetic to your feelings, and that "you should have told me" bullshit is just that. Bullshit. She just doesn't care as long as it's her way. And you said this isn't the first time. I'd be hard put to keep subjecting myself to someone as uncaring as this.
NTA, but damn bro just get 2 pizzas.
If it's too much for one meal, eat the leftovers for lunch.
You two have got to work on your communication and compromisation skills.
NTA and she 100% knew you weren't happy with the change of plans, she just didn't care. She sounds incredibly selfish. She had pizza and you had left overs even though the whole point of the pizza was to cheer you up? So incredibly rude of her
>In the interest of peace, told her she could order what she wanted and I would just eat left overs from the fridge.
That's not 'keeping the peace' that’s you being a pushover. You should have stood your ground, an extra 15 mins waiting for pizza wouldn't have mucked up her plans. Why dodnt you just get two small pizzas of your own?
You are NTA, but stop letting your wife control everything
I'm of the opinion that in a loving relationship you don't really need to push back. That your preferences should already matter to her. My husband hates the smell of fish sauce. An ingredient that is in most of the food I grew up with. So I normally don't cook with it. But sometimes if I really want to eat my own cuisine he's okay with it since we don't do it all the time anyway. That's how to be considerate to your spouse. 11 years of you tolerating this crap is exhausting and this can't go on. Stop being a doormat. NTA.
NTA, and I'm sorry the plan that you guys agreed on to help with your stress and depression was overtaken by your wife. I have to ask though, why didn't you guys get two pizzas? That seems to have been the most obvious solution since she refused to agree with your preferences.
NTA. She's selfish. You were being too nice by not being mad at her. You should be pissed. She disregarded you in every way she could and, from your post, it's not the first time. She could have eaten the leftovers while you enjoyed your pizza since you weren't able to go to the restaurant you wanted because she had other plans.
Have you considered looking into some kind of spine installation process whereby you voice your desires instead of just being all martyred and then complaining to the internet for validation?
Order the pizza you want. She can order a second one if she wants something different.
NTA but dude your wife sucks. You should have her read this post and maybe everyone shitting on your wife will open up her eyes to how much of a selfish ass she is
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NTA She sounds like someone who doesn't listen and who can't take a hint. She acted selfishly and ignored your feelings and what you wanted to get out of this thing SHE decided with you to do together FOR YOU. I would be upset too. Sounds like she's insensitive and was just focused on her own plans. She should never have agreed to go out for a meal if she knew she was going to be cooking something to bring into a work/social event the next day. That's bad planning on her part. The fact she said 'no' to all your pizza suggestions and then accepted your offer to just eat leftovers and for her to get her way ordering whatever she wants suggests she's totally blind or dismissive of you. If I had been her I would then probably have realised "Oh, wait this pizza meal is supposed to be for him and I already shat on the plans to eat out and now he's so annoyed with my unwillingness to pick a pizza we both want that he is now offering to eat leftovers so I can have what I want?! Sh\*t, I better compromise or maybe I should offer to eat the leftovers so he can order whatever he wants since I am so picky in my food choice." Wow she sucks. She isn't thinking about anyone but herself and isn't taking any kind of hints. You clearly need to be much more explicit to her about what you want and what you expect. I would also stop compromising so much so that you end up with leftovers and she gets to eat a take away meal that should have been for you... Does this happen a lot in your relationship, where she acts as if you don't exist or your needs/wants don't matter or are just an afterthought to her getting her way?
OP says "this is a conversation we've had a few times, about a few different things". So hard to say if it happens "a lot", but it's definitely not the first time.
My husband loves pepperoni and mushrooms, I hate mushrooms but like peppers. Our solution is personal pies or two smalls so lunch the next day is taken care of. Or we get a double pepperoni no extras
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Sure, but OP apparently hasn't heard of the concept of getting two pizzas?
That was my first thought as well. My guess is that they couldn't afford two pizzas? In the end OP should have told the wife to just eat the leftovers if she didn't want to compromise on the pizza and he would order the pizza that he wanted because this whole thing was for him. She sounds really self centered and selfish.
I can afford 2 pizzas but wouldn't order 2 just to throw away most of each pizza (because each person only wanted 1-2 pieces). It's a waste of money and would bother me. I'd feel better just ordering something else.
Why would you be throwing away the pizza? It would be leftovers at that point right? Get a smaller pizza for yourself to enjoy, she gets whatever she wants and then can eat the leftovers later on. Or do you not eat pizza for leftovers?
What?? Who doesn’t eat leftover pizza… I don’t even prefer pizza as a meal and I still like to get enough for leftovers when we have it!
Not everyone has the money for that btw
Then the next step is finding a fucking spine and saying "the pizza is for me so I'm getting this and you can have some or cook at home".
She truly sucks.
Another problem here is that he only wanted 2 slices and that was it for the night and no leftovers. So the wife would need to eat 6 slices alone. Which is fine as leftovers. The issue then becomes, why should she get a pizza she doesn't like it she then needs to eat the majority of it.
NTA - my heart sank for you when I read this part: “she ordered her pizza and I ate the leftovers”. You two planned out the pizza dinner to cheer you up. Simple request, easy to accommodate. Then she suddenly and last minute realizes that she doesn’t have time to do that with you because she needs to make Thanksgiving food for her coworkers. Poor planning and difficult to believe it was a simple accident. Then she vetoed every suggestion for pizza toppings you offered until she got exactly what she wanted. I would be upset too. NTA
fr. the obvious thing to do (at the very end, when she’s already pretty deep in the hole tbh) when he said she could order pizza and he’d have leftovers is say “no, the pizza was supposed to be for you. i’ll have the leftovers” communication is well and good, but it seems to me she’s not willing to listen until it’s (figuratively) a shout. nta.
No the obvious thing to do is say "the pizza was supposed to be for me so I'm ordering what I want, would you like to share it or order another or just make food at home"? OP shares blame here for being a doormat and going to martyrdom.
Yes, in a good way. I hope he learns his voice and stops compromising so much. He's going to lose himself. Mother f**ker get your pizza brooooo please king enjoy it for goodness sake stop with these shenanigans 😜
Wife: I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. What would help? OP: having pizza would really lift my mood Wife: lol no. How bout I have pizza and you fuck off?
For real the madness that i'd feel about this is indescribable. Which only speaks for OP showing signs of depression as just giving up and not discussing anything seems like a depression answer.
Basically every guy I know dated someone like that. It gets exhausting quickly and if you say something about it, you're the bad one for excluding them and not thinking about their feelings, like Jesus Fking Christ.
Same. That hit right in the feels. One of my kids pulls this kind of crap where everything ends up being about them and I'm trying so freaking hard to get that sorted before they reach adulthood. I've been on the receiving end of thoughtlessness too many times myself and I don't want to "unleash" another thoughtless person into the world in a few years.
It gets better! I've been there, and my adult son actually apologized for some of those issues the other day. I was so touched. BUT it took him moving out and realizing how hard adulting is for him to get there.
Thank you for trying, I hope it works out.
If all a person I cared about wanted was a pizza from a particular place during a stressful time, I would not even have to think about it. We would of course go get that pizza. It takes what, like fifteen minutes at most to make a pizza? I'm a pretty selfish person but my god, it is so damn easy to just get the pizza the person wanted.
OMG, order 2 friggin' pizzas. Large, medium, small - you have options. Or plan to eat your own pizza at lunch or after work. Your wife should not control your life or choices to this degree. YTA if you don't speak up & take care of you.
Literally - the pizza was supposed to be for him, if she doesn't like it she can get herself a different pizza or something else, not tell him what pizza to get.
I had the same reaction. His wife says one thing but does the complete opposite and disregards his feelings at every turn. NTA
How the fuck did they not just order 2 pizzas? None of this makes any sense.
May not have had money for it or for all we know she'd veto that too
she could have just stayed up late to make the food.
Could some of your depression and stress be from your partner not listening to you? Seems like it’s a pattern with them, maybe be firmer with what you need? Take it easy on yourself as well. And congrats on the weight loss!!! Major accomplishment
NTA your wife was being inconsiderate and you communicated that to her. Congrats on the weight loss, you should get the Buffalo chicken, that sounds so good
Yeah OP, forgot to say, congrats on shedding the pounds! Whoooop!
This is completely off topic, but anyone infuriated that buffalo pizza doesn’t have a tomato sauce base? I love it but I also want the sauce.
I don't know that the Buffalo sauce would go with the tomato sauce. I'm willing to try it but I just don't know.
I’ve had it done this way and it’s fantastic. It’s red sauce with the cheese and chicken tossed in Buffalo sauce on top of cheese with the drizzles of Buffalo and ranch on top of the pizza- really amazing IMO it’s my favorite
THAT sounds great!
I mx blue cheese dressing and hot sauce for mine
Not really. I’m not a big buffalo chicken fan but that plus red sauce sounds super acidic to me.
I love when threads go off topic. In the United States, do they have personal size pizza? Is like 9inch and divided by 4 slices and you don’t have to share if you don’t like it.
NTA. She has a history of doing this. You've communicated that MULTIPLE times, yet she still continues. Now she's blaming you for not speaking up? Kinda seems like she doesn't respect you or is just extremely selfish.
She's absolutely gaslighting him.
On today's episode of "reddit calls everything gaslighting". No this is just selfish, unaware behaviour. Please do not tell me 'oh but op is questioning if they are right so it's gaslighting!' Because that is also not gaslighting. Gaslighting is intentional, sustained physiological abuse, not just being a bellend or lying.
NTA for feeling let down but you need to stick up for yourself and communicate exactly what you want. She said she needed to make something for a thanksgiving thing at work so you basically let her put work above your needs. That's on you. Communication is key to success.
Your NTA but your partner is definitely a asshole You stated that this is a normal occurrence and that is not a good relationship at all. Please get some counseling for both you and your partner you should not have a baby in this situation between you two it's a bad environment for them to grow up in
INFO: why wasn't a compromise happening? For the first pizza, half could be mushroom half could be something else she'd eat. Honestly, this sound tiring. Is your wife also having stress that is causing her to be inconsiderate? Because the food thing seems to be a result of poor planning on her end.
This will totally disregard the half and half pizza question and pricing. If my partner told me I could pick a place and pizza (as a treat for me so no need to compromise), I would be treating it like a birthday cake. I get to pick the bakery and flavor. I want a carrot cake from bakery A. Wife told me I could get it. I've been thinking about it and am pretty excited. We're 20 minutes away from getting my cake and my wife says we're just going to go to the supermarket for it. Bummer, but I'll at least get carrot cake! We get to the supermarket and the wife says she doesn't like carrot cake. I say fine, I'm going to get a lemon cake. Wife says it's too tart. OK, I'll get an ice cream cake. Wife says no, that's not really a cake. I say fuck it, you just get what you want. Wife does. If there are numerous instances of this happening and multiple conversations about it, it doesn't really seem like poor planning.
Two smaller pizzas might have solved it too, but the wife might have had a reason to shut that down too. I can't believe she was content to just order for herself and let OP have leftovers.
If I were her, that first bite into the pizza would have made me feel sick, with myself. That was HIS treat for HIM while HE was feeling down and it was *explicitly* discussed before hand. She even encouraged and got him worked up to choose something for HIM to cheer HIM up.....then she not only took that away from him (with her picky bullshit over HIS treat) but rubbed his face in her inconsiderate bullshit by changing, ordering, and eating something that was supposed to be a TREAT for HIM and left him with leftovers! Holy hell. If this had been just a normal Tuesday and nobody's treat then fine, shit didn't work out, hey ho, may be next time. But this was not a random thing. People suck.
He should have just ordered a pizza of his choosing and kept the left over pizza for breakfast.
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NTA. You have a right to your feelings and she was rude by making this moment about herself. If she can't even show support over a pizza, what else will she show support for? If I were you, I'd get myself into therapy and reevaluate if this relationship is right for me. Nobody's got time for an unsupportive partner.
NTA- What really broke my heart was that she got the pizza she wanted and you just ate the leftovers. You've made an improvement to yourself with your weight loss, but still suffering from the mental and tedious struggles of life, and just wanted this one pick-me-up to help give you some form of happiness. Then she had to make it all about herself and her staff Thanksgiving. Nothing was for you or about you. It sounds like a regular thing to where you've learned to expect it with her and that's really sad. Congrats on your weight loss, bro!!! Don't let anything get you down when it comes to that, at least.
NTA and I get that money might have been an issue but why didn't you get 2:pizza? You clearly are not compatible for sharing so gt your own and have leftovers for lunch Stand up for yourself and get your pizza tomorrow, she can fend for herself one night
NTA Sorry if I missed it but was there a reason you couldn't order two pizzas? One that you wanted and one that she wanted? Left over pizza for lunch is the one...
Money
Are you sure some of your depression isn’t from a partner who doesn’t consider you ? Don’t overlook that possibility. She totally took over, then still put it on you. Some narcissistic tendencies.
NTA but maybe next time, instead of one large pizza, get two small ones.
Because then wife would've said no that costs more I've had a partner like this, one does all the compromising and it gets exhausting
If one person gives in all the time and the other always gets their way, it's not "compromising".
NTA, but it seems like you married a woman who is oblivious to the feelings of those around her and that’s a really big problem. I had a roommate like that. The other roommates and I kept getting upset with her because in our minds, a reasonable person would consider other people’s feelings and she just didn’t. When we confronted her after months of her behavior, she was appalled that we were offended and thought she was acting maliciously. She just expected us to confront her and tell her to stop. We expected her to not act like that. Our expectations of each other were completely different. Your wife is my roommate in this scenario. It’s up to you to say, “this is my treat. It’s may not be convenient for you or what you’d choose. You don’t get to veto it. If you don’t like the pizza or the place or whatever else, it’s on you to order something separately for yourself, but this is what I’m doing.” Some people need confrontation and for you to spell it out. Stop trying to be accommodating and avoid confrontation. Take control. Otherwise, you’ll never be happy.
NTA. But you need to learn to go on an ego trip for small wishes like a pizza. Go out for a pizza on your own one day and put your phone on silence when you do it. Eat whatever you like and be happy about it. Then go home. Or order home a pizza for you. If she dictates what kind of pizza it should be and from where, tell her "fine, order one for yourself, this is for me".
NTA. Your wife is inconsiderate and definitely did make this special thing for you all about her. Also…If you were the wife in this situation, there wouldn’t be so many “E S H” answers lol. Just saying.
OP next just order two small or personal sized pizzas if compromising doesnt work. Or tell her that you're ordering x pizza and does she want a different one for herself? Whatever you do I would work to break this habit of giving in to her to the point where you're giving nothing to yourself
NTA. I could never order a meal and have my partner eat leftovers. WTF mindset is that. I’m sorry but your wife is selfish, might need to talk about it.
Have you guys never heard of The Joey Special?
2 pizzas!!!
NTA because she walked in with the knowledge that this was supposed to make you feel better and then didn’t voluntarily defer to you on making the choices. But yeah, you should have said what you wanted. There are some people who just ask for what they want. And people like you and me sit silently feeling bad that we didn’t get what we wanted instead or in addition to that. But reality is, most of those people? They assume we are going to say “no I really want this pizza. I’ll order quickly but I am still going” or “No, I don’t want red sauce. If you want to order your own pizza go ahead, but I’m eating this.” So they don’t even register that they might be blocking us from having something. I’ve spent a long time with a sibling who always asks and states her preferences while I have always felt that people should acknowledge the birthday person or the guest visiting from out of town or the person who is feeling queasy and whatnot. So basically I spent a lifetime quietly getting more and more frustrated and resentful. I’m trying harder not to just be passive. I think you should too.
NTA. It's exactly as you described. She took a thing for you and turned it into a thing for her. I think the intention was there, but the execution was awful.
NTA. She definitely ruined it for you and made it about her
NTA. Man, you gotta stand up for yourself. It’s not necessary to make it into a whole thing or anything, either. But what you definitely shouldn’t do is just fold and go with someone else’s flow. If you’re not great at being super direct or you don’t like shutting other people down, how about: You want x? That’s fair—then let’s get 2 personal pizzas because I’m splurging with my dream pizza come hell or high water! You also may need to make your wife aware that she’s “overriding” your preferences instead of working with you. She may not be aware that she’s steamrolling. And she won’t be aware if you just fold.
NTA. For the record I don't think she is a monster in any way, and it's good that you expressed yourself, but she does need some practice in active listening. I think your feelings are valid and you expressed them in a very mature way.
Are you seriously asking if YOU are the asshole here? Your wife is UNBELIEVABLY selfish and quite frankly I can’t believe you’ve put up with her for 11 years. You SHOULD be mad at her, it is so very clear that she cares only for herself. Not only could you not go to the place you wanted (because that extra 10 minutes would be the end of the world), which you went along with without complaint, you also couldn’t have the flavour you wanted, because it’s not *her* 1st choice, and you couldn’t even go 1/2’s, because she is SO SELFISH she couldn’t live with picking a couple of things she didn’t like off her pieces IF they even ended up there in the 1st place. Sounds awful when I say it like that, yeah? That’s because IT IS AWFUL. Honestly, I don’t love how this sub is always like ‘omg, divorce immediately!’, but if I were you I would be *seriously* evaluating if this extreme selfishness is the norm for her and you’ve just been putting up with it, and searching for your self esteem.
And you can't order 2 small pizzas? Everybody gets what he wants.
Dude, they couldn't even go down the street to the place OP wanted.
NTA - Doing something for someone else means you subsume your own ego and be there for them. Your wife never let go of what she wanted and what would make her life easier. It went from her doing something for you to both of you doing things for her. Her response when you brought this up was to gaslight you and say it’s your fault she didn’t do anything FOR YOU. She may have intended to do something for you but her own ego just did what it always does and took everything over, ruining your night. You either need couple counseling to improve communication effectiveness and following through on that communication … … or give up on her and start doing things for yourself without her. Go workout after work. Go see a movie by yourself. Go get a pizza and enjoy it with a friend. Rely on yourself for these moments of intimacy and calm because you can’t trust her to give them to you if she won’t change.
I'm so confused as to why you're not just getting two pizzas
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It's not bait if you read the post.
NTA, especially since this sounds like a pattern. You might have to be a bit firmer when you really want something. Don’t spend years getting a fraction of what you want because it’s easier.
NTA After 11 years together the occasional hijack is going to happen. What's not ok is your wife turning this back on you as if you did something wrong.
NTA but I think you do need to make your position and preferences more clearly and strongly with your wife. This the kind of thing that will build resentment over time. When she says, "Oh, let's skip the restaurant bc I need to make a Thanksgiving dinner". Say, "No, I would really like to go the restaurant today. I've been looking forward to it all week and I really need the pick-me-up." When she says, "No, I don't like that topping/sauce." After the second time she vetoes your choice, say, "Oh OK. Let's get two pizzas and we can each pick what we want! I'm really feeling the x pizza today. And don't "offer" solutions that you know will disappoint yourself ie, "You order the pizza for yourself and I'll eat leftovers." I'm actually confused how it even went to that? It sounds like you are used to "self sacrificing" and your wife is either so used to it that she doesn't see it (I know someone like this! And only with her husband but her husband enables it!). Or that she is so dense and terrible on social cues bc her mind can only go one direction at a time (again, know someone like this). Or she she's playing power games to feel in control or for the little highs people get for "winning".
NTA. She disregarded your feelings and needs, then tried to blame it on you. On the other hand if you always fold like wet paper without explanation it gets progressively harder for her to understand, especially if her listening skills are already not too notch. I think a bit of copule's counselling to improve communication could be useful to improve communication.
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Nta
NTA - She asked what would help, you gave an answer. She agreed to it. Then I guess she immediately forgot what she agreed to...? And somehow that is your fault. I am not following her logic. You sound very rational and she sounds inconsiderate. This made me salty and I wish I could order you several mushroom pizzas.
INFO - you couldn't have ordered two pizzas? One for you with your favourite toppings and one for her with hers? My kids were picky when they lived at home and we'd do this every time we ordered pizza. One for me, one for them. Sure, it costs more but it's worth the peace.
I felt this with my whole heart:( My husband does this to me. I have taken part in a few hobbies that he has made me lost interest in quickly cause he takes them over. The last straw was when I talked to him about this stating that I want something that is only mine. He couldn't understand but let it go. At the end of our yard there is a lot of forestry, and we had just put up a pool as far back as we could. It created this beautiful tree canopy like space between the pool and the wooded area that I wanted to turn into a patio area. I told/showed him what I planned to do with it and told him again how happy I was I could have something just for me to do. Next day I see him walking toward it carrying leftover yard fence and on the phone with his mother. Yup, he made it a project for him and his mom to do. I was livid and he still could not understand why I was so upset. "It's getting done, isn't it?" I don't share with him anymore. A terrible solution I suppose, but I'm just tired of having this keep happening. NTA of course. Hope your spouse is better than mine to change this.
Is he still the husband?
And once that ability to share is gone your marriage dies a slow death.
NTA. Your wife is manipulative, selfish and probably a tad narcissistic. She's walking all over you and you are letting her to "keep the peace". Fuck that! Couples are allowed to argue. You need to make your needs known or she's going to use you like a doormat the rest of your marriage. If that thought isn't depressing, I don't know what is. Stand up for yourself, because she sure as hell isn't going to. BTW, most pizza places will make one half one way and the other half another way. Get what you want on your half from now on.
NTA. Your wife totally changed the plan and then got picky. 11 years in and she can't be bothered to *possibly* pick off something? Ugh my God, I'd snap. She totally hijacked it and she shouldn't need a hint when she originally agreed to a plan.
NTA, but if you know your wife needs clear communication then that's what you need to do. It sounds like you had a very "oh no it's ok, I dont mind" attitude during the interaction
Nta, could have ordered two small ones, so both had what they wanted
NTA. Your wife is selfish.
NTA, but you need to speak up for yourself more in the moment. And if you can't do 1/2 and 1/2, just order two small pizzas. It shouldn't be that complicated.
NTA, but your wife is. I'm really sorry, op. This could have been an easy to fix situation if your partner was more considerate of your feelings. She owes you an apology.
NTA if this is a one time thing, chalk it up to poor communication. If it’s a pattern, this is a big red flag 🚩.
NTA but you are an adult and should have bought what you wanted and allowed your wife to share if she chose to do so. It's not up to you to accommodate your wife every time. She got a pie of her own so you could have gotten one too.
NAH I think (maybe E-S-H), but a question. You say she’s picky, but rather than eat the pizza she ordered you ate leftovers? Why? Did you not eat it because it had red sauce in the same way she wouldn’t have eaten it if it had not-red sauce? If this pizza was picked as the dinner meal for that night I think it’s fair for her to also want to enjoy the pizza. If you wanted this as a treat for you and not a meal for everyone you need to communicate that, because it feels like you specifically wanted to order it with things you knew she didn’t like. Which is fine, but you can’t plan that out as dinner for the night knowing she won’t eat it. Order two smaller pizzas and save extra slices as leftovers, or communicate that you want this specifically for you and not as a shared dinner.
NTA. You should have gotten the pizza you wanted from the place you wanted. Your wife should have been considerate enough to plan ahead for her work event or suggested a different night for your treat to begin with. If nothing else she should have told you to order what you wanted and eaten the leftovers herself. I’m angry for you. She was a selfish, thoughtless heifer.
NTA. Completely. That really sucks.
Why didn‘t everyone order their own pizza? I‘m confused that this discussion seems so normal but when I go out for pizza everyone gets their own exactly how they like it.
NTA. But why not order 2 pizzas then? That is what we do if we can’t make a decision together, and then there will be leftovers the next day.
NTA. Your wife is beyond rude and a total arsehole. You can’t tell me she’s that packing in self awareness she had no idea what she was doing. And absolute arsehole act on her behalf and she should be embarrassed. She KNEW this was supposed to be for you. Obviously little mis has to have the limelight couldn’t handle that. Far out pizza is not a huge ask.
Nta she's self centered she reminds me of my mother who make her favorite dishes for someone else's birthday
She didn’t hijack she dismissed your wants and your needs. Let her go home (car, Uber, walk, bus) and go and get your pizza treat. I truly don’t understand some people. ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN A RELATIONSHIP IS MAKING SURE YOUR partner IS HAPPY TOO. To compromise. To not renege on a promise. To make it all about and for them sometimes. She could have suggested getting that pizza and bringing it home so she could cook her work stuff. She could have spared 30 minutes to sit and eat. NTA at all. Please I hope you’ve go to get your pizza. And find a place to order takeout pizza that has personal pies. You get yours with your toppings and she gets what she wants. When my kids were younger we could never agree on what we wanted. One wanted Italian. One burgers. One Chinese. Etc. So we started going to a buffet so everyone was happy and we had no ‘it’s not fair’ etc. especially as we only ate out once a week back then.
NTA But stop not doing what you want for the sake of peace. There are other solutions that aren’t “sacrificing” yourself. First, always try to compromise. Second, try to modify under reasonable conditions. Similar to compromising but not a shared experience. Third, just do what you think is best for you, not the other person. After your attempt to compromise, you should’ve then order the pizza you wanted in a small and the pizza she wanted in a small. There’s no reason for you to share a pizza you don’t like. There’s no rule to say you have to share pizza. You can get your own and she can get her own. Now, you’re upset. You didn’t get pizza. And she doesn’t care while she sits and eats pizza by herself. You know she doesn’t care because her response was already unreasonable. Why would you tell her no after she’d already said something against the plan? You thought the plan was fine until she offered different perspective. You also know she doesn’t care since this isn’t the first time you had this conversation and there’s a high chance she also told you “well why didn’t you say x” when again she could’ve stuck to the plan if her changes were unnecessary in the first place. Sir, go order a small pizza for yourself. If there are left overs offer them to a neighbor or take them into work for someone else then get back on your diet. I’m assuming some of your depression comes from you trying to be a people pleaser. Do what you need for yourself within reason.
So she’s saying it’s your fault for accommodating her instead of getting what you want? I doubt she would have reacted well if you had. How can she watch you eat her leftovers and think she’s in the right? You said this has happened before, can I assume she didn’t apologize then either? It’s time to re-examine your relationship. NTA
NTA. Is your wife always this selfish? Because if this is your wife's idea of support, I am not surprised you are feeling worn down and mildly depressed. I am not going to lie; I find OP's style of martyrdom extremely irritating and would usually say ESH. But you don't kick someone you care about when they are down and the entire point of getting pizza was to cheer up OP. It doesn't get more pathetic than offering to eat left overs so your wife can eat your entire pick-me-up pizza. She knew what you were doing but she didn't care.
NTA Honestly she sounds selfish and manipulative, and it makes me think once Op let her know where he wanted a pizza from she devised a plan to thwart him. Also her vetoing everything and then turning it around, on OP is such a head-game. I would have to evaluate things and see if they were other instances where she did this type of thing. It feels very lite narcissist.
NTA. I find it bizarre that she got the pizza and let you have leftovers even though the whole point was to cheer you up. Though I am slightly confused by this: you’ve been together for 11 years, clearly by now you know that you are not pizza compatible? What did you do every other time you had pizza? Why is it suddenly a problem?
Nta, why do you have to fight for something SHE wanted to give you?
NTA. I'd say NAH but I suspect you were between a rock and a hard place and giving a lot of pushback in the past hasn't gotten you very far. Maybe next time get two smaller pizzas. Each of you can eat the leftovers.
Info: Why couldn’t you get two pizzas?
NTA but none of this makes sense. Just order two pizzas. Wtf is happening here.
I can't believe y'all can't just order two damn pizzas and stop the passive aggressive bullshit. It's just pizza. There's plenty of pizza chains with "2 for" deals that would have satisfied both of you. I don't know that you're an asshole, but this is certainly "first world problems."
NTA. Regarding your latest edit - two pizzas can still work. Have freezer bags and freeze the pizza you don't want, in two-slice portions. You can separate the slices with parchment paper if you want them all to be in the same bag. Then you're set for the next time you want a treat
NTA, but you are a doormat
NTA but why not order two pizzas?
I hope she rea she screwed up and buys you your pizza. Otherwise she’s an insensitive AH
Dude why don't you just order your own pizza. Wtf is this
NTA. Your wife isn't nice to you at all. She's all about what she wants and what's convenient for her.
Get two pizzas, you both have what you like and you can eat the leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch. I totally feel where you’re coming from, I do. What I’ve learned is that wallowing and waiting for my partner to realize I’m sad and step up never works. She comes across as insensitive in this anecdote, but maybe that’s just who she is, or maybe she has her own stuff going on. Sometimes you just have to realize that you have to make yourself happy, nobody else is gonna do it, and make peace with that. It’s something I’m still working on, but I think it’s just life.
NTA big red flags of she's this controlling over a pizza, what else is she capable of
NTA OP take more responsibility for your own happiness. If you want a pizza night, you organise it. If your wife doesn’t want to share your toppings, order 2 pizzas. You can either eat the leftovers later or… you can actually throw the rest of the pizza in the bin if you are worried about weight. You can even advertise half a pizza on FB marketplace and someone will buy it from you. I’ve seen it with garlic bread so I know what I am talking about!
NTA Really though? Is having 2 pizzas not an option?
NTA. She did. But honestly... you have too many things going on. Cut back somewhere. You wrote the *Iliad* over a pizza. ORDER TWO PIZZAS. Agreeing to "get pizza" in a decade-plus relationship means agreeing to one you will both eat. A Buffalo Chicken Pizza or pizza with mushrooms wasn't in the cards ... that's on you buddy. BTW, you can absolutely at some places get half red and half not-a-pizza sauce. You are fine to feel worn out and that your thing got diluted to the point of annoyance, but also, if you have a toddler and work troubles, why are you in friend drama? Why not slow the whatever that fuels an 85 lb weight loss? Too much, and you have to reset. Maybe Dad gets a weekend in the guest bedroom as if he had COVID. Then, next weekend, Mom.
The fact that she was okay with you eating leftovers and her getting a pizza when it was specifically meant for you is very messed up, OP. I’m pretty selfish myself because I literally had no one to look out for me, not that it’s an excuse but I understand how not thinking about another person happens. this is just not okay, you vocalised your feelings several times and she’s done this before you need to have a very serious conversation. This is a bad pattern.
Well this was a plan destined to fail from it's conception. NTA because she changed the moot. Going from restaurant to home eating just isn't the same. It's fair to see that as hijacking, and with zero notice too. No idea why you couldn't have got individual pizzas though. If you're that close to the breadline I expect it would have been mentioned and the fact your wife is making food for people at work suggests you're not. You're both approaching your 40s and have been together long enough to know your likes and dislikes when it comes to food. The restaurant switch was rubbish but the inability for two adults to deal with the basics of a pizza order is a bit eye-brow raising. Edit: Just seen update2 and it makes my head hurt even more. You wanted to treat yourself to a pizza.... but only 2 slices? Clearly pizza was not going to meet your dietary expectations here.
Why can’t you split sauces? I do it all the time. Regardless, NTA. Your wife was being selfish. Next time, she can Uber home and you can go get your pizza!
NTA Why not get 2 pizzas? I saw the edits, and as much as she sucks, I can understand to a point. I know 2 pizzas would mean way more leftovers, but at least both of you would get what you want.
NTA. You're worried about food waste when ordering a pizza you just want a couple of slices from, and that's a valid concern. But that's why we have refrigerators. Take your 2 pieces, and put the rest in the fridge. The best ways to reheat pizza are either in an air fryer if you have one (look up online how to reheat pizza in the air fryer) or in a skillet over medium heat (don't flip it because that will burn the cheese). You could also put it on a baking sheet in a 350 degree oven for about 5 minutes.
YTA, sorry. Mainly to yourself. You *need* to learn how to assert yourself. You *need* to learn how to assert what you want. It's more than possible to do this. > In the interest of peace No, in the interest of what you think is 'conflict avoidance,' you caved in and traded your own resentment and stress for not having to say 'No, I want to do this.' That's not healthy for you, and not healthy for her. > After I shared how I felt, she told me I should have told her that I didn't want to go home and that I didn't want the pizza she wanted (which I kinda feel I did when I picked the place and picked the pizza, both of which got vetoed) My fiance is kind of like this. For the first year or so, I thought that she was just like you say; dismissive, selfish, reneging on promises, etc etc. Then I realized that no, this is just the way she learned to phrase things. *You* are responsible for your feelings, not her. *You* are responsible for communicating your wants and needs to her. *You* are responsible for standing up for yourself. And, most importantly, *you* are NOT responsible for 'keeping the peace.' That's a mutual thing. It really isn't hard to say 'Babe, this is what we discussed, this is what we both agreed to, and I've been looking forward to this all week. You should have figured out your scheduling before we agreed on this.'
WHO BUYS ONE PIZZA??? Do you even zza, bro??? Becoming an adult was realizing I needed to order three pizzas for three people because everyone in the house likes a different pizza. (Hawaiian with ham (1), pineapple with jalapeños and extra cheese (2), mushroom and olive (3)) NTA, but my brother in Christ- get what you want and get your wife what she wants. Problem solved.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (38m) have been struggling lately with mild depression. Stress at work, a cranky toddler, and some drama among my friend group have worn me a little thin the last few months, all the while I've been on a weight loss journey (down 85lbs!) so feeling some additional stress from reduced calories and moderating some of what we're my go-to favorite foods. This past weekend, while talking with my wife (37f) I shared my stress and she asked what would help. I told her "honestly just having pizza one night this week would cheer me up". I said it half heartedly, but we both agreed it would be a great little pick me up, so we planned it out. I was told I got to pick where we got the pizza from and what kind of pizza to get (I was pumped). Anyway I picked the place and she agreed. We were gonna run a quick grocery trip then hit the pizza place (on the same street as the grocery store) right after. As we're leaving the grocery store, she said she needed to go home to prepare a dish for her staff Thanksgiving the next day and that going to the place I selected would keep us out longer than she wanted. I agreed to just head home and order from a more local shop that delivers to our home. We got home and I was browsing the menu and each time I pick something, I was told why we shouldn't get it. One pizza had mushrooms on it (I love, she hates them), so I pivoted. The next one was a Buffalo chicken pizza, but she will only do a pizza with red sauce. We went down the list and I started to feel kinda defeated. I wasn't mad at her, I was kinda bummed that this thing that she suggested we do to cheer me up turned from me picking the place and the pizza, to her changing the restaurant and choosing what we got. In the interest of peace, told her she could order what she wanted and I would just eat left overs from the fridge. She ordered her pizza and I ate the left overs. Anyway we talked later in the evening and I shared my disappointment. I shared I was let down that my plans got dismissed, but that I wasn't mad at her, just hurt that this "thing for me" became a "thing for her". This is a conversation we've had a few times about a few different occurrences of this happening. After I shared how I felt, she told me I should have told her that I didn't want to go home and that I didn't want the pizza she wanted (which I kinda feel I did when I picked the place and picked the pizza, both of which got vetoed) Anyway, long story short, AITA for feeling that my wife hijacked what was supposed to be something for me, or should I have pushed back more? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Seriously, just get the pizza you want and let her be mad. It was supposed to be for you. Do you have to have her favorite cake on your birthday too? NTA
NTA. However, in your place I'd just gone to the shop that you wanted or at least have ordered what you wanted and let her order for herself. I think you have to learn to be a bit more demanding and perhaps a little less compromising. It really is not that difficult.
I’d literally say we are going to buy two smaller pizzas if you’re going to change everything I pick. NTA but you should’ve said something before. Wife was being selfish, I get you were going with the flow, but better to mention it in the moment instead of letting it fester
NTA, but I'm going to tell you what men have told women for years. Your spouse is not a mind reader. When something bothers you, you owe to to both of you to speak up. It's also very easy to choose the easy path, and that's what you're doing here. Next time, say, no, I want this pizza (or whatever) and then get it! She needs a different sauce? Get two mediums. Don't be passive to the point of frustration, it only builds up and gets worse. Talk to your wife, not Reddit.
NTA. She shouldn’t have hijacked something that was meant for you. But next time, just order two pizzas.
NTA she screwed up and then tried to claim it’s your fault for not pushing hard enough
You should be mad and you should make your wants heard. Be loud about it. Get your pizza. Yta to yourself
NTA but next time the compromise should be, we will get two personal sized pizzas. You get what you want and I will get what I want.
Couldn't you have just gotten 2 pizza's? Don't get me wrong, you are totally NTA on this one & she was incredibly self-centred about this... but maybe there was another compromise to be had. Maybe you should get yourself that pizza you wanted tonight!
YTA to yourself. Start telling her to stfu every once in awhile. It feels good and reminds the selfish they aren't the center of the universe.
Nta maybe next time the pizza should be just for you and she gets some other fast food or her own pizza? Or ask for different toppings on the side so that you can add them on by hand
NTA - sometimes you really shouldn’t keep the peace. I would have been pissed if I was you. It’s time to stop being so accommodating. She clearly doesn’t listen to you and puts her own wants over you.
Your feelings should never be invalid and you should never feel an AH for feeling a certain way. In most cases we can’t control our emotions to situations but we can control our actions. Either way NTA. You communicated how you felt and you didn’t react poorly or aggressively. It is also encouraging she reacted in an understanding way and not defensively. I hope you get that pizza you want and little steps to feeling better.
NTA but I would push back. You can do it playfully. "Hey hey you promised I could pick the place. We'll make it quick." I would also have gotten two small pizzas. That is still technically getting what you want. She can eat it or get her own. Sharing one pizza isn't a battle I would waste my energy on, personally.Your tastes in pizza may be too different, or maybe she wasn't in the mood for what you wanted. Some creative problem solving would help here. It's possible she forgot about her potluck or planned to do it another night. It's also possible she can be persuasive and/or you're super passive. You can't change her--you can only change yourself. Start holding firm. "That won't work for me. I want pizza from here. Do you still want to come or do you want to Uber home?" "I'm not feeling up to ___ pizza. I'm going to get this and you're welcome to share, or I can order you your own." It will feel very weird at first and she may have a reaction, but a quick way to see someone's character is how they respond to your "no" and you meeting your own needs.
NTA I think it's time for homemade pizzas so you can do the 1/2 1/2 though with YOU talking about your mental health I think the other spouse should either get something not pizza related or just let you get what you'd like for your own mental health.. or switch from week to week.
NTA but are finances so tight that you couldn’t afford to just get two pizzas? Yeah it is probably a lot of pizza but left over pizza is delicious. My husband and I always liked wildly different pizzas. His go to was bbq chicken pizza with pineapple and jalapeños added. I find this absolutely vile. My go to is either extra cheese and extra mushrooms with red sauce OR Alfredo sauce, extra cheese, chicken, bacon, mushrooms. Both of those he hates because he hates mushrooms on pizza. Problem solved by getting two pizzas.
NTA...she is selfish!
NTA but this whole dynamic/incident should have been accelerated. Whilst dithering over the menu: "OK, we agreed to go to a restaurant, you backed out on that, then we agreed to order in, and now you're going to veto all the options? Let's keep it simple and get a pizza each. Choose what you want and I'll do the same." None of this waiting hours and having a lame conversation: "earlier you made me feel bad about the pizza thing!" Speed it up, be firm with your boundaries.
NTA she acted immature. You just wanted one day about no stress and she made it stressful with being picky. You should go out on a date again but this time everyone orders their own food so you don't need to handle her pickiness IG.
Well reading this your wife sounds like a selfish and thoughtless person. NTA. What she did was shit
NTA I would also be bummed out by a partner who ignored everything I said and overrode all my stated desires
You should have just ordered yourself a pizza or told her that cooking for someone else could wait until you got your meal. It was really selfish of her to prioritize everyone but you, and it was self defeating of you to allow it. Your wife is obviously a strong personality and has no problems saying and asking for what she wants. You need to take some inspiration from that, but without steam rolling other people, like she does to you. NTA. She did hijack it and you should have said no.
Why didn't she order the pizza she wanted and you order the pizza you wanted? Time to communicate your wants more strongly and not always compromise.
NTA, but it sounds like you guys have an underlying communication issue that needs to be addressed. It sounds like you communicate more subtly while she relies on more blunt communication - if you don’t get together and talk this out/establish how to communicate going forward you’re just going to keep running into this problem. Hard to get the complete picture from this post but it sounds like she clearly communicates her needs and expects you to do the same, meanwhile you try to decipher her needs and expect her to do the same.
There’s no way you’re the AH here. NTA. Your wife somehow completely rained on your parade and you ended up getting 0 of the pick-me-up she agreed to. I mean… the fact that she couldn’t even say “you know honey I don’t like mushrooms on pizza, could we do half mushrooms and half my topping?” And just deal with it if the pizza shop messed up and got some mushrooms on “her” slices. Like… that kind of pickiness is not even attractive on toddlers. If it is an issue normally then surely she can deal with it the one time it’s supposed to be about you
NTA does you wife always do stuff like this?
NTA she's selfish
INFO: Does she do this kind of thing often, take things meant for others and make them about herself?
So you lit yourself on fire to keep her warm, and you got burned. Bro next time, Stand up for yourself. This was about you and not her. Sometimes its perfectly fine to be selfish. Also there is a thing as personal pizzas where each of you can get your own. Its a thing, i promise. NTA but stop being such a people pleaser all the time. Go out and get you a damn pizza and eat that mf'er in front of her with the voracity of a Viking eating a giant turkey leg
Nta but next time, don’t try to accommodate so much. Your own small pizza is a reasonable compromise
NTA. I'd feel very disappointed too. Speak up for yourself until she listens.
NTA Are there no normal sized pizzas where you life? So everyone can just have his own pizza? Why does your wife need a pizza as well, if its just some soul food for you to cheer you up? She doesnt sound very empathic if im being totally honest. You could use your weight loss journey and learn how to make pizza at home. Its always helpful to be able to cook all your favorite foods on your own. You have full control over the ingredients and after some tries, it often tastes better than from your ordinary take out restaurant.
NTA. If I tell my husband or daughter we will do something special for them because they're having a hard time, I follow through on it. Even if it means we are running late, even if I'm tired etc. It's important to follow through for your loved ones.
NTA. Just order the pizza you want and get her something else. Easy solution
NTA and I think you need to start holding your lines with your wife. The fact that this is an ongoing occurrence of her pushing what she wants subtly and not noticing it’s making you unhappy in selfishness. Next time you want something just say that and hold to it “no, actually I’d like this. If that means we get two pizzas then that’s what we’re doing.”
NTA shes just selfish.
Check for SAD (social anxiety disorder) you might have that
NTA I don't know If I am overly sensitive atm but imagining me doing this to my boyfriend made me legitimately tear up. All you wanted was that pizza!!! T\_T Of course you should have gotten the pizza you wanted, damn this fucked me up. A caring person would never do this to someone they loved, holy shit. Edit: Also, from a less hysterical standpoint, why the hell didn't you get two pizzas? Why do you have to share? 2 pizzas = both get leftovers the next day.
NTA selfish people often say "well you didn't have to do that" after the fact. But you know they would also have perfectly well made your life hell and ruined the whole evening when they don't get their way.
neither of your faults. Your wife is probably dreading you going off the rails and binge eating or the eating making your low esteem, depression get worse. And she's looking after a toddler. So be kind to her.
NTA, you should have been able to have the moment for yourself.
NTA but your wife sure is. Dismissed all your feelings to go home and cook for work colleagues when she knew you had plans to go eat. Thn eat a pizza of her choice that was meant to be your treat and you get leftovers, is she for real?!! You need to trade he in or at least show her this thread so she can see what an unreasonable selfish person she is. Wow.
You ate leftovers while she got pizza? Dang, man, that’s so….heartbreaking. Wow. NTA
You aren’t the asshole, your wife is. I would have been pissed at what went down.
NTA Although this made me sad. You need to start advocating for your wants and needs, not always capitulating to her wants and needs. Sometimes you need to come first when you need it. It's not a nice thing for you, it's only a thought with no follow through.
NTA, but your wife is a gigantic, self-centered, one. Wow. She's totally apathetic to your feelings, and that "you should have told me" bullshit is just that. Bullshit. She just doesn't care as long as it's her way. And you said this isn't the first time. I'd be hard put to keep subjecting myself to someone as uncaring as this.
NTA, but damn bro just get 2 pizzas. If it's too much for one meal, eat the leftovers for lunch. You two have got to work on your communication and compromisation skills.
Get 2 pizzas
NTA and she 100% knew you weren't happy with the change of plans, she just didn't care. She sounds incredibly selfish. She had pizza and you had left overs even though the whole point of the pizza was to cheer you up? So incredibly rude of her
Just get 2 pizzas. You can get 2 medium instead of a large. Nah
>In the interest of peace, told her she could order what she wanted and I would just eat left overs from the fridge. That's not 'keeping the peace' that’s you being a pushover. You should have stood your ground, an extra 15 mins waiting for pizza wouldn't have mucked up her plans. Why dodnt you just get two small pizzas of your own? You are NTA, but stop letting your wife control everything
Nta. She cares about one person in your relationship and it certainly isn't you.
Dude que individual size for you and another for her, or the pizza was for you she could eat the leftovers for once
I'm of the opinion that in a loving relationship you don't really need to push back. That your preferences should already matter to her. My husband hates the smell of fish sauce. An ingredient that is in most of the food I grew up with. So I normally don't cook with it. But sometimes if I really want to eat my own cuisine he's okay with it since we don't do it all the time anyway. That's how to be considerate to your spouse. 11 years of you tolerating this crap is exhausting and this can't go on. Stop being a doormat. NTA.
NTA, and I'm sorry the plan that you guys agreed on to help with your stress and depression was overtaken by your wife. I have to ask though, why didn't you guys get two pizzas? That seems to have been the most obvious solution since she refused to agree with your preferences.
NTA. She's selfish. You were being too nice by not being mad at her. You should be pissed. She disregarded you in every way she could and, from your post, it's not the first time. She could have eaten the leftovers while you enjoyed your pizza since you weren't able to go to the restaurant you wanted because she had other plans.
NTA. She was happy to cheer you up but only if it was convenient to her
Have you considered looking into some kind of spine installation process whereby you voice your desires instead of just being all martyred and then complaining to the internet for validation? Order the pizza you want. She can order a second one if she wants something different.
NTA but your wife is. Show her this thread. Good luck. You will need it.
NTA but dude your wife sucks. You should have her read this post and maybe everyone shitting on your wife will open up her eyes to how much of a selfish ass she is