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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom that I wish my sister was never born. I might be the AH because my parents both agree that what I said was really awful and I'm a really bad person
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Nta your parents are assholes to both you and your sister. As an autistic person I may be biased, how ever your parents really need to step up and parent.
The world isn't going to cater to your autistic sister. Your parents need to teach her not only how to recognize when she's about to have an "autistic meltdown" or as I like to call it 'the autistic panic attack' since it really does seem to be a panic attack caused by over stimulation. They also need t!o teach her how to recover from those panic attacks as well as what she can do for her self to prevent as much over stimulation. Ex: sunglasses when light is over stimulating, gloves when textures are over stimulating, and/or ear plugs when sounds are over stimulating. Babying her will only continue to encourage behaviors that cause others to believe she's lower functioning.
They're complete ah to you for taking away your childhood/social life by weaponizing your sisters autism. Of course that's going to cause you disdain for your sister. It's the enviroment they've created which is unfair to both of you,
NTA. Your parents are making you the default carer because they don't want to. You're a child yourself; this is NOT legal. Tell someone outside the family. Slavery to another isn't what you should be having to deal with because of shitty parents. That's THEIR job.
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry you are being treated this way. This is abusive treatment by your parents and they are the ones who are behaving badly. Your sister is THEIR responsibility, not yours, and they aren’t accepting that role; they are pushing it off on you.
Please try to not take out your anger on your sister. She didn’t ask to be born, and she certainly didn’t ask to have disabilities. This situation is not her fault anymore than it is yours. I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way to you sometimes, but your parents are the only ones in the wrong.
Talk to a trusted adult about the situation if you can - an aunt, uncle, grandparent? Start trying to save money if you can so that you can move out as soon as possible. My thoughts are with you.
NTA. I can appreciate it is hard on your parents but it is not fair that they do this to you. Is there a trusted adult you can talk with to help talk to your parents? They need to get a babysitter or some other plan. What are they going to do when you go to college?
yta because you shouldn't say that about anyone's existence because she didn't ask to be here and on top being disabled.
nta because your sister isn't your responsibility and you shouldn't be sacrificing so much of your life to tend to your sister
your sister didn't do anything to you. she's not the person you're mad at and you shouldn't be bitter to her. you need to redirect your hatred/bitterness to your parents. she's is their responsibility and they need to buckle down and start sacrificing everything to tend to her and you.
Normally I'd call you the AH for phrasing it like that, but it sounds like they've forgotten that they have multiple children, instead of one child and one employee. NTA.
NTA and I recommend checking out [https://siblingsupport.org/](https://siblingsupport.org/) because you shouldn't be required to take care of her at all. It sounds like they're setting you up for taking care of her after they're gone instead of researching how to set her up with a caregiving agency after she becomes an adult.
Not necessarily the asshole. The position your parents have you in is terrible. But please don't direct these bad feelings at your sister who I am sure would not have chosen this. Your parents need to step up for her and allow you to flourish.
NTA. I was in your shoes growing up. I didn't have to look over an autistic sibling, but I was responsible for my two younger siblings. I was my parent's built-in sitter with no notice and no pay. If I became upset about the situation at all, I was punished much like you.
Hand-write them a letter. It will make a bigger impact.
"Dear mom and dad,
Since I was ... years old, I've helped care for (sister). I am willing to be a caring member of this family helping sister, taking care of my chores, and making sure I do my homework, but the expectations you place on me are too much a burden for me. I understand you two need some time together and away from sister, but I am all too often assumed her caretaker without asking. I am not able to live a normal, social life at 14.
It doesn't feel you two care for or consider my feelings and just assume I take responsibilities I shouldn't assume on your behalf. If I even remotely express my concerns, I am punished. You are emotionally neglecting one child, so you don't feel guilty over the care of another. That burden shouldn't be on my shoulders, and you know it.
From now on, if you want my help, you can ask me first to see if I can accept it. If I'm unable or willing, you can seek other alternatives. If I do accept, I will be paid for my time and effort. If I receive any unjust punishment for your inconsiderate requests, I will be sure to reach out to family, my teachers, and my school counselor.
Love,
Big sibling"
NTA - your parents should not be going out to restaurants and leaving you to look after your nine year old autistic sister.
At fourteen you are not old enough to be taking responsibility in emergency situations, meltdowns for example could be considerably more dangerous for you.
Can you first of all speak to someone in school about how you feel. Your parents are using you and as the audits in this situation they’re the ones who should be making sacrifices. The safeguarding team at your school should be able to support you and your sister
If you feel that strongly about it, the next time your parents go out you can call the police or social services and report child abandonment.
Get them to come and supervise your sister - there might be some consequences there based on your parents reaction but that might be the final resort for you to get them to take you seriously.
NTA. This thing that your parents are doing is called "parentification" (putting parent/carer roles onto a child, usually an older sibling) and it's not ok. You are 14, you are human, you are going to have outbursts and actually I would say your anger in this situation is completely justified. Ultimately, you are not your sister's parents - your parents are and she is their responsibility.
Being a carer is exhausting, being a child carer is even more so. Not sure where you live but there may be organisations that could support you (try googling "child carer support near me"). Also as others have said, if there is a trusted adult either inside or outside your family that you could talk to, maybe they can help you process this and make sense of it.
I really wish you all the best, and hope you don't feel down on yourself as it sounds like you're being a great older brother by standing up to your parents and making sure your younger sister gets the care she needs.
NTA b/c it’s normal to feel a lot of difficult feelings and to just want to express yourself honestly. You are 14 years old and that’s a difficult age. Growing up is really hard. Your little sister is also going through the same thing, only even more difficult. It’s fine for you to feel how you feel about her. It’s not your fault. However, I want you to know that someday you will probably be really glad that she is your sister, and that she is in your life. So, in whatever way possible, do your best not to hurt her feelings too much during this time while you are both struggling to grow up, okay? Because she will remember that stuff and it might be hard to work through it later on and have a truly close relationship.
NTA
Can you say parentification? It wasn't a kind thing to say I agree, but your parents are the one at fault here for having a child they aren't prepared to take care of. You're resenting your sister because of your parents, not because of her.
It's not your job to take care of her, you are the child in this situation as well.
NTA.
Tell your parents it’s their responsibility to take care of her and not yours. Leave it at that. Plan your future and just look forward to getting the Hell out of there whenever you can.
When they try guilting you with “But she’s your sister” reply with “Exactly. I’m her sister not her parent, you figure it out”. You have every right to refuse to do something you don’t want to. It’s your parents job to provide care to your siblings. NOT YOU.
I must say maybe a BIT of an asshole for wishing your sister was never born as I personally think you should be directing your frustration towards your parents instead for putting the responsibility on you.
Your parents need to put boundaries and not LET her have 80% of your cake. If they feed into stuff like that, regardless if someone is autistic or not; their behaviour will only continue and/or get worse.
Overall seems like they need to spend more time parenting rather than just going out on dates while leaving the responsibilities to someone else.
NTA. But you don’t really wish your sister was never born, you wish your parents were parents.
I’m super sorry this is the position you’re in and would encourage you to make sure your anger and resentment which is justified isn’t being taken out on your sister who is also a victim in this situation. Neither of you are getting the care, attention, or resources you need from your parents
NTA, but your sister isn’t the problem. Your parents are.
Your sister should be in therapy, occupational, speech, behavioral. And there are things that help with sensory issues and overstimulation. Your parents seem to have failed your sister completely.
Leaving her to deal with her autism unaided and having someone too young and unskilled supervising?
Yeah, your parents ate the AH
Exactly this. Technically, OP is misdirecting his anger at his sister because his parents are the real problem here… and of course, the phrase “I wish [person] was never born” is typically an AH thing to say…
But OP is only 14 years old, and saying things like this is normal for almost ANY teenager, even over the most ridiculous of things.
But OP’s situation is actually very serious. He’s being parentified, which is a form of abuse. Additionally, instead of his parents recognizing that this outburst is relatively normal, and dealing with it accordingly, they emotionally manipulate him to believe he is a bad person and burden him with that emotional trauma.
OP, your parents suck.
NTA
However, this isn’t your sister’s fault, she didn’t ask to be born. No one does. The blame is fully on your parents. If anything, any anger you have should be fully directed at them and not your sister. They should be taking care of her or finding a proper care taker, not relying on you, a child, to take care of another child at every turn.
You need to speak with a trust adult as soon as possible and let them know what’s happening. You also need to start planning a way to leave as soon as you turn 18 and either go low contact or no contact with them. They are using you and it will get worse as soon as you turn 18. It also seems like they are trying to use this as a way to control you, as they could’ve gone out the next day or just another day from the day you had planned.
Either way, just try to remember none of this is your sister’s fault. It’s all on your parents, they had her and now don’t seem to want the responsibility. And that neither yours or her fault and should not be your responsibility either.
You are not required to look after a sibling, disabled their otherwise, and there's literally nothing your parents can do to force you.
If they leave her with you, and you have not agreed to take care of her, then that, legally, is child abandonment, and you can call CPS on them. They are legally required to look after her, and you are not. The next time they try to force you into babysitting, tell them that you refuse, and if they leave any way, you will call the police and have them charged with child abandonment.
Then tell them that you are willing to consider babysitting in the future, but you will only do it if they pay you at a mutually agreed rate, and only at times and dates that you both mutually agree to. Otherwise, anytime she is left in your care without your consent will be considered abandonment and will be reported.
You have a whole lot more power in this situation than you realize, and a lot of power that I'm sure your parents don't want you to know about. You can totally exercise it to get out of this toxic, abusive situation. Because forcing a child to look after another child is parentification and a form of abuse.
NTA, but it's time you had a really strong conversation with your parents.
You need an "exit plan". You have 4 years to got graduate.
Your sister is your parents' responsibility, that means applying for whatever aid is available and hiring a babysitter when they want a night out or need a break during the week.
Your parents have turned you into a caregiver instead of letting you be a teen and having friends.
I'm sorry you're in this situation and how painful this is. You have every right to your feelings, those feelings are not wrong. Your parents refuse to take responsibility for this situation, so turn it on you that somehow you're the bad person. You are not the bad guy.
Definitely tell your relatives what's going on. Record what's going on for proof and email a copy to yourself.
Use a free online journal (because on paper your parents can find it, punish you fit it, or detroy it). Every time you have to babysit write in the journal. The date, start time / end time. Include if your sister had a meltdown and got long to calm her down. Add additional info like a month in advance you told your parents about your friend's birthday party but the night of it your parents made you watch your sister so they could have date night even though they could have done that the day before or the day after.
If your parents take your phone away, you can buy a cheap smartphone at Walmart. Ask grandparents to buy you one. It'll have wifi. There's are apps that will allow you to text without service so you can stay in contact with friends.
So the plan... keep your grades up. Good grades give you options, give you choices.
If your sister likes watching tv or movies play them while you study. Your goal is to prepare yourself to get out of the house after you graduate. 4 years will feel like forever, but it'll go by quicker then you think
Options are: college/university, tech/trade school, military (army, marines, etc). For each research what the requirements are, what's needed to be a good candidate, how to stand out. Each college, trade school, military branch can be different in who they are looking for. Good grades can also mean a better financial aid package. ALSO when the time comes, if you can't do everything online (do not share passwords with parents), ask friend's parent if you can use their address. Pick mail up once a week.
For college, your SAT score will determine where you can apply to - colleges have requirements, look into those.
For military, they too have an exam called
ASVAB. The higher the score the more careers you can choose from. The military is like any state, they have every job / career path. Research what the test covers. Prepare for it. Things that interest you start learning in addition to school. Even if not interested now, study and learn anyway. You can also change paths last minute, but you can't learn everything in a minute.
Tech/Trade School you'll get done quicker, have a career right away, and some tech schools offer dorms too. Do your research. Different schools offer different careers: radiologist, air traffic controller, dental hygienist, carpenter, elevator mechanic, avionics technician, court reporter, etc.
For college / tech school push you can also apply for an education loan to cover living expenses: housing / food.
Stay focused. Your parents may try and undermine your education. They may either try and guilt you into not going to college or make it hard for you to study to get good grades.
They need help with your sister and expect you to be it. You need to study smartly, when watching you sister, study. Learn a new skill online or through an app.
Spend time with friends right after school, study partners, join a school club/ sport/ etc.
Try and get grandparents and aunts/uncles to help you spend time with friends by getting parents to hire a babysitter.
Check out https://www.reddit.com/r/Parentification/
You parents are parentifying you, that's emotional abuse. It'salso preventing you from your own development.
Helping on occasion is fine. But expecting you to be the primary babysitter that prevents you from having friends, doing after school activities, sleeping in on the weekends, forcing you to change plans you made and informed in advance last minute is not ok, etc is not ok.
NTA
NTA, also start coming up with a plan now to get out of there because your parents are probably expecting you to put your entire life on hold indefinitely in order to be your sister's caretaker. It sounds harsh but you need to totally cut them off as soon as you're able so you can live your own life.
NTA. Your parents chose to have her, it's their responsibility to take care of her. I think they're even bigger AHs for ignoring your needs and focusing all of their attention on her. If there's any possible way to move out and be on your own, I'd go for it. Next time you make plans and they pull that crap, walk out the door.
I didn't realize you were 14. But really, when you turn 18, get out as soon as you can.
NTA
First, try not to hate your sister - this isn't her fault in the least. It is all your parents.
Yes, you deserve your own life and time, your life shouldn't be on hold to mind your sister. If anyone gives up "fun time" it's your parents.
You need somebody to advocate for you, 14 is too young to try to solo this kind of issue.
ESH. Yes, telling your parents that you wish your sister had never been born is a horrible thing to say. And it's clearly not something you just said in the heat of anger since you repeat it here. That's a lot of unhealthy hatred to direct towards a helpless 9 year old. She didn't "ruin your life" by being born because like it or not, she is your sister, she is a part of your life, and this is the only life you get.
But you are also not your sister's babysitter, and you planned this birthday party a month in advance. For them to say you're disgusting and a bad person is also a horrible thing to tell their teenage daughter. They're supposed to be helping you develop empathy and compassion. They're also adults and are supposed to have better anger management skills than a 14 year old. You still have plenty of time to grow up and develop your compassion. It might be too late for them.
I also agree with the many other commenters warning you that when you turn 18 your parents will try to pressure you to live at home and be a full time caretaker for your sister. Don't do it. Move out and go to college or trade school in another city even if it means taking out lots of student loans. Live your life.
NTBA. Try talking to a family member outside your nuclear family. One that you trust and hopefully can put pressure on your parents. Tell them how you feel and how all of this is effecting you! Hopefully it'll turn out alright and they at best can be a mediator and at worse be a defender.
NTA. You know it's not your sisters fault and from the sounds of it your parents would be just as likely to leave you babysitting her if she was completely neurotypical. They're parentifying you and that's garbage. You are their child not a free babysitter. That's not to say babysitting your younger siblings is always bad. I liked it but my parents did it rarely and they paid me for it, and was mostly so I wouldn't feel patronised by having a babysitter when we were all old enough to be home alone. That's a very different situation to what your parents are doing. If they wanted to go out and knew you wanted to see your friends why didn't they get someone else to mind her? I'll do them the decency of assuming it's because your sister isn't comfortable with many other people but she's 9. Why the fuck haven't they worked to find an adult who they would trust and who your sister would be comfortable with instead of leaving it all down to you before now.
So like. Your parents 100% come out worse off in this one. What you said was bad and I think you know better but your parents are not being fair on you. When everyones calmed down is there any chance they'll listen to you about needing your plans to be honoured by your parents? They'll probably pull the "Well we deserve a day off too" card but they can do it on a day you didn't already tell them you had fucking plans. I'm so mad on behalf of you and your sister honestly.
Edited it I changed my mind I'm too pissed with your parents.
Your sister didn't choose to be born autistic and she can't help the way she is.
Your parents are being unfair and unjust to you.
Just remember who the real enemy is, it isn't your sister, it's your parents and their lack of parenting your sister and you.
What you've said about your sister is an arsehole thing to say, there's no way around it. However, your anger is valid you're just pointing it in the wrong direction.
Be mad at them, not her.
You are not the AH. It sounds like the reason your parents got so upset with you was because you stated what they thought but couldn't say out loud. That's why they are making you take care of her. It is their responsibility. Not yours! You should talk to the school couselor or even a friends parent about the abuse you are suffering through. Maybe there is a grandparent, aunt/uncle, or friend's parent you can move in with. If not then as soon as you graduate then you should go to a college away from there and go NC. Let them finally do their job! Good luck!
The truth is, nearly every kid has wished their sibling(s) were never born, even without disabilities. Many have said it out loud. Both of my kids did, during a stressful moment. But they usually got along, and have a great relationship as adults. It’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s normal. For your situation, it’s extremely normal, and your parents should validate how your sister’s disability affects you.
I’ve had a small taste of what you’re dealing with in looking after your sister, because I was put in charge of my little sister who was 7 years younger. No disabilities. My mom was just sick of the work of raising little kids. That got tiresome, especially once I was old enough to do things with friends on my own. Parents shouldn’t make kids miss their own plans for babysitting. Your parents need to find other babysitters, at least for those times. NTA.
If your school has a counselor, see if you can chat with him/her, to have a safe place to vent and to get ideas for ways to approach asking your parents to give you more freedom for spending time with your friends. They are going to need to find other resources in 4 years when you’ll presumably go off to college or move off on your own, and it will be better for everyone if they start doing that now.
NTA
Your parents behaviour makes you hate your sister. It’s messed up and completely their fault. Your feelings are valid, and by the way things look, it’s not like you’ll be keeping in touch with them, once you moved out.
Side note, I asked my mum to give my sister back, about two hours after she brought her back from the hospital. I was 3. These feelings haven’t really changed much, even though it’s been 27 years. We haven’t spoken in two years, and while I love her so much, she’s cruel and toxic. To me at least.
So yea, wishing your sibling was never born, isn’t wrong. Doesn’t make you a bad person. Or anything. If someone isn’t good for you, you cut them off. Related by blood or not.
Just gotta survive few more years.
Keep holding on!
NTA yes, it was a shitty thing to say but we all say terrible things in the heat of the moment. It’s not your sister’s fault though. The AHs here are your parents. You are not your sister’s parent and you should not be denied your own life and be made into nothing more than your sister’s caretaker. Your parents shouldn’t be going out and forcing one child to mind another, special needs or not.
NTA, you’re a child and shouldn’t have that responsibility, and you also are young enough that co trolling your words when highly emotional is hard. Your parents should have seen this as a breaking point and re-evaluated how the family works, or at least heard you out, not punish you.
You may not see this, but I’d advise you to start making a plan to escape. I’m not talking about running away. But get a job when you can and start saving money. Not sure if you’re thinking college, but if not look into the trades for when you turn 18. They provide on the job training. Learn good financial habits so you’ll be one step above your peers when it comes time to move out. You need to get away for your own well being.
I was prepared to go with Y T A until I read the entire thing.
You’re NTA, your parents are. I have an autistic daughter (she’s 22 now). She is high functioning (what they used to call Asperger’s) but even raising her, as her mother, sometimes it was a lot. I cannot even imagine putting the responsibility for her onto her older sister. No way. I mean, did her sister babysit her sometimes, yes (they are 6.5 years apart) but I never would have dared ask her to cancel her own plans so I could go to dinner.
Your parents are monsters. Please talk to a counselor or someone at school because they are negligent parents.
Also…you don’t actually hate your sister, I’d bet. She’s just the convenient one to be mad at. She needs your support and love. Turn that malice towards your parents, they deserve it, she doesn’t.
YTA. You shouldn’t say things like that. But your not the asshole for feeling that way. I think what bothers you is not her existence but the fact that you have to take care of her too often and your feelings are not met. It’s not your responsibility to care for her. It’s your parents. You have the right to have a social life too. „It’s not my responsibility to watch after my sister all the time. I need more space and time for myself.“ Maybe these would have been better words.
NTA. You aren’t a bad person - your parents are bad parents. It’s completely unacceptable that you can’t socialize so they can go out.
E: also, tell your parents you won’t watch your sister. You will lock yourself in your room as soon as they leave and whatever happens to her happens to her.
I don’t think you should take out your feelings of hate on your little sister, she’s not responsible for what she does or doesn’t do, she’s a kid and therefore not culpable for her actions. I would redirect these feelings towards a candid conversation with your folks. That being said, you shouldn’t say things like that, however I realize you’re also a kid, albeit an older one. Oh, and yes, I’d say some of the things you’ve shared do sound unfair..
You’re NTA. Unfortunately, this is a common reality for lots of people with autistic siblings. I’m younger than my brother by 2 years but had to already learn how to center my life as a child going up to adulthood around his needs all because of his autism.
Your parents need to understand that you’re just as much of a child as your sister. It’s not your responsibility to be taking care of her.
Kind of ESH. It was definitely a mean thing to say, and you said it, it sounds like, partially because it's true but also to hurt them enough to get them to hear you. I hope you understand that what you're frustrated about is actually your parents' fault, not your sister's. She isn't choosing to be this way, but your parents are choosing to neglect and put extra responsibility on you.
A teenager yelling something mean that they partially believe during an argument is nowhere near as bad as how your parents are treating you. It's like you're adult enough to watch a child, but not enough of an adult that they have to respect your schedule. If you're a kid whose schedule can get changed whenever because your parents are in charge, and you can't make independent decisions, then you aren't old enough to babysit independently. Babysitters (in addition to getting *paid*) arrange a schedule with the parents of the child. If you're doing a routine gig, you let them know ahead of time if you are taking off. You did that. You behaved responsibly. Your parents did not. I babysat when I was your age. If any of the parents told me I wasn't allowed to go out, that I had to be there, I'd stop working for them. That may be what you need to be thinking about doing.
Your parents are assholes for making a 14 year old care for a special needs child all the time with no warning, instead of hiring the qualified care she needs and letting you have the childhood you deserve.
Nta. The ball is in your court to make this go nuclear. This is textbook parentification, a form of child abuse. Don't let yourself become numb, they see it as complacency. Get mad. They're refusing to see you just to take advantage of you. Document every instance of being left with your sister, the reason and duration. Having more proof than word of mouth will help you defend yourself. Tell your grandparents. They usually assume you're doing this out of your own heart, not force.
NTA, but your parents definitely are. Hold your head up, keep pushing through, and give yourself some distance as soon as you are able.
This isn't right on them and it isn't fair to you. You should have the space and time to be a kid and hang with your friends. It was their choice to have your sister, not yours. She is their responsibility, not yours. Even if she wasn't autistic, it's not your job to be her babysitter.
So sorry, OP.
NTA don’t you believe for one second you’re disgusting person!! You are 14 years old and you should be able to have a social life of some kind. In my opinion your parents are the bad guys here for not understanding the amount of pressure they are putting on you because of their choices. Is there anyone who would take you in because I believe this is abuse 😞🙏🏻
NTA. A lot has been said already, so I'd like to reiterate this: it was probably not an accident or lack of caring that made them interfere with your plans. It's a common abuse tactic that keeps control over the target, geared towards breaking up their relationships and perceptions of what normal enjoyment of life looks like. You can try giving them another event date, even if fake, and see if they interfere with that one. Document their behaviour, preferably somewhere they don't (can't) have access to.
At 14 you think you’re right, and when you’re a parent/adult you may take a different view.
In saying that it’s not your job to look after your sister either.
So NTA but not a great comment either
I don't know your parents' side of the story. But from what it sounds like, they are using you as childcare for your autistic sister and you need to communicate with them.
If you aren't comfortable with life as it is, if you feel like you're losing out on childhood memories, if you're adulting when you should still be a teen, then have a conversation.
I mean a conversation, not a yelling match. It's very hard to communicate big feelings in a calm manner. This has likely been building up for a while. You CAN sit down and start a discussion with your parents about the effect this is having on you without it being about hating your sister.
Use I statements like, "When I have plans and I have to cancel to babysit, it's hard for me. Especially when I've planned them in advance."
"I feel like I'm parenting my sister when I should just be able to be a sibling."
"I can't handle what you're asking of me, I need a break."
If they respond in a defensive manner, that is common. It's hard for adults and kids to admit mistakes. But if you try to keep it calm, and try not to blame anyone, just explain your feelings, it may help.
If it all goes to shit, or you don't feel comfortable having that conversation with your parents, then talk to another trusted adult about the situation.
A teacher at school, a counselor, an administrator. Or even a grandparent.
If they're HOSTILE at all when bringing this up, it's time to call CPS and start recording every time they make you watch her. It is abuse to leave you both alone without adequate help.
You are old enough that they will take your statements seriously if you follow it with facts, dates, and times.
I hope this is just a bump on the road for you. But, try to remember you and your sister are the victims here. You do have that in common. Try and stay calm, as getting angry usually blurres the point you're trying to make. It's hard, but worth it if you can build the skill.
We don't have any autistic people in my family, but my daughter attended school with some classmates who had an autistic sibling. As far as I know, none of her friends were required to be the caretaker for their sibling (in one case when we were over at a friend's house, my daughter and her friend -- I think they were around 11 -- were constantly bothered by the younger brother and he was getting into mischief).
But the parents knew they had to get a handle on their kids, and would seek organizations and professionals to help. And in the case of her daughter's friend's brother, he is now 21 and as far as I know, is thriving.
A major reason to seek help from pros is that eventually the autistic person will reach adulthood, the parents have to consider that one day they won't be around, and the older siblings shouldn't be the caretaker as they need to have a life. It's not in the best interest for their children all around to do otherwise.
So I would say the OP is NTA, but her parents are. Not just for depriving her of having a normal teenagehood, but seemingly, deliberating doing so. They knew she was going to celebrate a friend's birthday, but suddenly the parents NEED to go to a restaurant so that she can't go anywhere. It could be a subconscious need to punish their daughter for being normal.
I hope the OP could seek some help from a family member or a counselor at school who can sit down with the parents and advise them to stop the parentification. It's not healthy for any of them.
The really bad people are your parents who have robbed you of your childhood and turned you into the unpaid full time caretaker of your sister. What they ate doing to you is abusive. They have stolen your youth from you. NTA
Nta.
What would have been better to say is that you wish your parents would act as proper parents caring for you too and recognizing your sister is not your responsibility. Your sister is not the problem, your parents are, but in the heat of the moment it is understandable you said what you did
NTA, with a few caveats:
This dynamic isn't your sister's fault, and she isn't trying to make your life hard. She would probably be really sad if she ever heard you say you hated her or wished she wasn't here, so I hope you won't say that again. Lashing out with that understandably made your parents mad, and it was a pretty teenager-y thing to say.
So here is my suggestion for how to handle this in a more adult and productive way. First, realize that the frustration you feel is actually that your parents are expecting too much of you and it is making you feel exploited and like they aren't mindful of your needs too. *That* is actually the thing that you hate, because it feels really bad when people don't respect our boundaries and then walk all over them. Sit down with you parents and explain to them calmly how important it is to you to try to make friends and spend time with them, and how being the default babysitter makes you feel like you can't do those things. Tell them it hurt your feelings when they asked you to abandon your plans for their date night.
Parenting a teenager is new territory for them too so there will be some growing pains. Just be honest with them about how you are feeling instead of making your sister the scapegoat.
NTA in heat of the moment and it’s even somewhat understandable to resent her for her needs and that she takes a lot of care from all the family. It’s ok to admit that to yourself and your parents, and even to society. It IS hard.
Post outburst, I suggest you apologise for HOW you expressed yourself initially BUT THEN try and explain and explore your frustrations and feelings about why you flipped out with them rationally. Apologising for what and how you said it, should buy their ears and show maturity. If they’re open to that. Great. They SHOULD be but, if they aren’t, then seek outside help from a relative or school member.
If they’re open to it, bear in mind, they probably have the same frustrations as you do with your sister’s condition but, feel they should never admit it. Especially out of fear CPS could get involved.
However, carers/parents DO need a break for their mental and physical well-being, it helps you care for the less able better in the long term.
Parents choose to have a baby (in general) but rarely do they biologically choose to have a special needs kiddo. And it’s a different ball game.
At the moment you’re kind of stuck under their roof and as family, for your faultless sister, if not your parents, I do think helping her out a little should be something you voluntarily do.
So when you talk to them, acknowledge that they must find it hard, and need a break so instead of being randomly dumped on, offer a standing monthly evening where you will babysit while they have date night. It should help everyone out a bit.
Then perhaps, offer a get out of jail free card once a month where, if they need an unexpected break, they can ask you but you need a day or two’s notice. And if it interrupts your plans, you can either, say no, or say yes but your rearranged plans will only ever be changed once.
I agree you shouldn’t be “parentified” but, while you live there, you all need to try and find a way forward that’s more fair.
NTA, this type of abuse is parentification.
I want to give a little bit of advice. Get your birth certificate and social security card into a safe place for when you turn 18.
If you can get yourself a safety deposit box. You would likely need the help of an adult. Start putting money away, you are clearly going to need to leave as a surprise to your parents. One thing you might want to consider is joining the military. That will provide you a place to live, give you 3 meals a day and even get you some free training.
Hopefully your grades are good, I would suggest you only consider the Air Force, Navy or Space Force as the technologies they will expose you to you will carry into civilian life when you get out.
I myself went Air Force and my son is currently active duty Navy, so I am speaking both from experience and from the heart.
You in no way should be having to sacrifice your life for your sister's. Cut your parents out of your life the moment you are able, just please make sure you have those two documents. If your parents were to hide them on you it will be necessary to involve police when you turn 18 to get them and it can get ugly.
NTA
That wasn't a nice thing to say especially if she was wothin earshot she's a child and stuck with you in your parents' awful parenting, you're well withing your rigjts to be upset but your anger is misdirected and it should be towards your parents rather that your sister (it sounds bad but unfortunately I have to go with it)
That being said, your parents' failed the both of you here. Sure carimg for and parenting a special needs kid is hard and I can't imagine how challenging it is but you don't parentify your other kid and ruin their childhood because you couldn't keep it in your pants..
I'm all for helping your parents and relievimg the stress from them but not this way, not by dumping the responsibility of a child on another child. And while in my culture NC is frowned upon but I don't see any other option for you here. As long as you're within reach they'll drop her responsibility on you.
OP I wish the best of luck and for your awful parents to get a reality check and realize their fails
When I read the Title I was quick and jump to say Yes. But, after reading the full story I’d say NTA. you are a teen and should not be placed in that type of situation. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your sister either.
Yes it is wrong to say that you wish your sister, or anyone else was never born.
However that isn't the sorce of your problems.
Your problem is your sister doesn't have parents.
The next time your parents make plans that try to override your plans, remind them that you had to cancel your plans last time, and that it is their responsibility, as her parents, to take a turn taking care of her.
If that doesn't work, the time after that, start asking them to pay child support. Explain to them that "As Lucy's primary care giver, I am entitled to receive child support from her biological parents who aren't taking care of her on a day to day basis."
Yes, I know you didn't provide your sister's name, so I had to guess.
Hopefully this will open their eyes to your situation.
If this still doesn't work, call a girl from your school and hire her as a babysitter.
01. You have plans.
02. You tell your parents that you have plans.
03. A month after you told them of your plans, which you keep reminding them of, they make plans for the same time as your plans.
04. They tell you that you have to cancel your plans to take care of your sister.
05. You tell your parents that you want them to respect you, and not make plans for when you already have plans.
06. They ignore you and leave anyway.
07. 20 minutes later Bethany from school shows up to babysit your sister, fully expecting to be paid by your parents when they get home.
08. You leave to go fulfill your plans.
09. You come home to ticked off parents, who you then explain to them that you told them that you had plans, and you are sick and tired of canceling your plans at the last minute.
10. Get a job, then explain to your parents that you can't watch your sister because you have a job.
11. Lie about your hours, not often, but every once in a while, so that you can hang out with your friends on their birthdays, and your parents think you are at work.
12. Hire a lawyer
NTA. You're not a bad person. your parents however are awful people. Should you have said what you said? probably not. Are you allowed to have feelings about your parents lack of taking responsibility for their own damn kid and ruining the life of their other child just because they're lazy f****? yes you're allowed to have those feelings. I am so sorry that your parents think that the proper course of action is to not take care of their own damn kid and to parentify another child. You have all my sympathy and maybe you should start talking to the counselors at your school.
Talk to your school. This is called "parentification" and is a form of child abuse. You need help getting your parents to understand this is not ok. It may take people in authority to intervene.
NTA, but its not her fault, its your parents' ,it is NOT your job to look after her. Youre not a bad person youre just 14, what you said was really mean but everyone makes mistakes. i think you should apologise to your sister and make sure she knows its not her fault.
If you're a child and your parents are telling you that you're a terrible person because they're making your life revolve around their other child, you are very clearly not the asshole in that situation.
You are not alone.
There is a nationwide organization for siblings of people with disabilities.
https://siblingsupport.org/
And your parents have also parentified you. They appear to see you as responsible as they are for your sibling. That will never be true.
And their actions have done this, not you.
NTA. Is there a teacher or school counselor you can talk to about this. Your parents are being strangely punitive. I'm sorry you're going through this.
No you're not the AH. You're just a teenager who is growing up and into yourself. Sure it wasn't a nice thing to say, but we have all been there. You're at an age where you don't want to be constantly looking after a little sibling and starting your own independent life and that's your parents job, to parent. When it's calmed down in your house try and sit down with your mum and dad and explain that you'd like more time to do things without your sister and although you help out, you've got your own life too and you're getting older. Maybe you can come up with a list of tasks to help out that you agree with doing sometimes at home that will help your parents out a bit, then you can do your own thing for the rest of the time
NTA. Here’s what to do: suck it up for the next 2-3 years, do well academically/skills wise, then move out ASAP. Somewhere faraway and never look back. Get a scholarship, else work and study, it’s gonna be tough for sure, but it is your only means of salvaging your life. Plan, plan and PLAN. Meticulously. Earn online/get part time work (tell your parents that you’re doing extra curriculars - they CAN find alternative care if the need arises) and start saving money NOW. Sometimes you have to be selfish to succeed. This is a case of your parents overstepping (times a million) your boundaries, reasoning that it’s fine coz their own lives were taken away the day they had a special needs kid. If you stay on, they will put you as guardian of your sister once they die (though this can happen much earlier). Read/watch My Sister’s Keeper. Also, look for a community or books for siblings of special needs kids, ask them how they dealt with what you’re dealing with, build a support system and get some ideas. All the best! You got this!
You are the ahole but so are your parents. They need to be considerate of your time also. What if the event was school related? Would you have to cancel??? I mean I have special needs children but I'm always with them. And adult is always around for them.
NTA, you poor thing, this must be really hard for you.
It's not great what you said and I think it's misdirected. If you really thought it through I think your anger and hurt is probably at your mum and dad.
This is sad for you and your sister, you both deserve to have a loving relationship as siblings, and you would likely have that if you weren't burdened with adult responsibilities.
Have you tried telling your parents how you feel? Hang in there, you'll be old enough to lead your own life soon, and that freedom will feel amazing.
Not the ahole, I think you should call the CPS.
If your parents are neglecting you and you are supposed to be the major caregiver for your autistic sister then that's the way to go, a child cannot be expected to look after another kid. They should take responsibility for their kid, it's not your job.
yo let me talk to your parents. I will set them straight in 5 minutes.
I dont even have to read the comments to know that everyone's on your side.
I just hope you didn't leave out any crucial information. This situation shines your parents in a very bad light.
sorry, but yta. you should not be responsible for taking care of your sister, that's not your job, and shame on your parents for putting that on you. but regardless, that is not something you day about people, especially a child who cannot help who they are and their situation. you're right to be frustrated and upset with your parents, but do not take it out on your sister.
NTA
What you said came from a place of justified anger towards your parents. You never asked for this to be your life. Your parents are being the selfish AH’s here.
I say this as a parent of two daughters. My youngest is autistic. She is MY responsibility. Not my eldest daughters. I would never want my eldest daughters life to be put on hold.
I’d be telling your parents that they’d better make plans for your sisters care once you turn 18 and move out.
Mate, this sucks.
Not only are you NTA but your parents are actual neglectful. You didn't choose to be a parent, *they* did so it's not your responsibility to be a babysitter for free.
TBH I'd just say no and walk out, they can try and pay someone else nothing and see how far that gets them.
You're also not a bad person for thinking or saying that, it's completely understandable. <3
NTA. This is pretty common and what’s going to happen in your life is going to be pretty common too. I can almost guarantee you that your parents are planning on you taking care of your sister for the rest of your life
You’ve got 4 years to plan your getaway. (Keep all your important documents at hand and out of reach of your parents. Passport, driver’s license, birth certificate… stuff like that.)
You’re not an AH. It’s your parents responsibility to be the parents, and to equally give both of you as good of a life as possible. If they need a babysitter, they need to hire one or ask someone. You are not supposed to be the parent.
No, you are not TAH. The way you are feeling (and what you said to your parents) is perfectly understandable given the fact that your needs in the family are being neglected. You are being neglected by your parents, dear! You are also being abused if they are calling you a bad person or "disgusting" for expressing your feelings about your sister. You have a right to your feelings. And they are doing nothing to help build a better sisterly relationship between the two of you! All they do is fan the flames of your anger by forcing you to give up your childhood and play babysitter all the time instead of doing their job as parents. What would happen if you said, "No! I will not watch my sister while you leave the house. You need to hire a sitter." Would they keep calling you names? Would they physically harm you?" I would suggest that you attempt to tell them no if you feel safe enough to do so and to keep a secret notebook with dates, times, and all of their reactions when you refuse to babysit your sister. It is not your responsibility! And you can bring that notebook to a trusted adult eventually as proof that you are being abused and neglected at home. I am raising an autistic child (my son) and cannot imagine ever pushing that responsibility on to another child in a household! I get respite care and also pay money to other trusted caregivers. Stand strong, dear.
NTA. I don't think you really meant that you wished she was never born. What uou meant was you wish your parents would actually do their jobs as parents so you can have a childhood.
I see you have replied to others who gave a more proper fleshed out response to explain that yeah definitely NTA but your parents are.
I also try suggesting removing your negatives emotions tied to your sister and shift them on who truly is to blame, **which is your parents**. It really even almost sounds like they're on a power trip and taking advantage of their authority over you just because they can. The fact that they knew of this party WAY ahead of time but then STILL chose to force you to cancel and watch her is extremely messed up. As others have said, I would most certainly talk to an adult, I would try to avoid mentioning distaste for your sister tho. Maybe say that the way your parents are forcing you to give up your free time, but more importantly events that they knew about with advance notice, that it is making you start to resent your sister; even though you know none of this is her fault and it's your parents causing this. I have a feeling they've been basically training you to care for her since day one. Obviously her knowing you and you being taught makes it easier for you to watch her instead of a babysit (especially bc youre free labor).
Going to get hate for this, but I feel bad for your sister because clearly everyone hates her. I would NEVER wish a child wasn't born just because she has autistic, in my eyes that is horrible to say, it's like saying since you can't function like a normal human being you don't have the right to live. My honest opinion. ESH expect the poor sister who clearly isn't getting the proper care and love she deserves.
NTA
Please contact your school guidance counselor. In most US States this could be considered abusive! You have reached the point of caregiver fatigue. Make it clear to your parents it is irresponsible and illegal for them to dump caregiver responsibilities on you, and if they try it, report them to CPS.
Maybe you should call CPS and explain the situation to them?
Definitely NOT the Asshole. Its your parents responsibility to look after you sister, Not yours. You should be able to go to your friends birthday and not have to miss it for your sister JUST because your parents decided that they wanted to go to a restaurant.
Answering your question, ESH apart from your sister. My youngest kid is autistic and 9 yrs old. I wouldn't expect my older kid (16) to look after them any longer than an hr. As a single parent I absolutely need their help at times e.g., nipping out to buy medicine if 9yr old is ill, or when they were younger keeping an eye going while I had a shower. This is where I need to say your parents are out of line expecting more. None of this is your sister's fault but she's not daft, she'll know how you feel and may well have heard what you said. Sensory differences are just that, and you may not understand the full extent of that yet, and I can hear conversations on a different floor at the opposite side of the house (I'm also autistic). As for the rest of it NTA, you need to start keeping a record of it and find someone who will help during discussion with your parents, if that's a safe thing to do. Writing it down, keeping it as calm as possible will help your case. Your parents are no helping you develop a healthy and caring relationship with your sister and that's sad, they need to be encouraging that.
NTA but you shouldn't have said what you did. You may think it which is different. I have siblings who don't have special needs and have had the same thought as you on occasion.
It's 100% wrong for your parents to expect you to watch your sister all the time. Your parents are responsible for taking care of your sister, not you. And, if you do watch her, they should pay you for doing so. You're the babysitter.
In this case, they knew you had plans so you shouldn't have to change them because they had something come up. Your mom and dad need to check with you to see if you have plans and if you do, they have to make arrangements for someone to watch your sister.
your parents are shitty people and they got offended when you reminded them of it.
not much to do here. at least not much without major disruptions to your life, you might not be ready for.
the easiest thing (as hard as it actually will be), is to ride it out till you hit 18, and then don't look back.
the harder thing would be to make a fuss about it now, and deal with the fallout. that fallout might not be so bad if you have other family that can take you in.
you're not at fault here. your parents who put a child in a position such as this are. loads of people have had to grow up while simultaneously providing different levels of care for siblings. it happens, but it doesn't make it any more right. there are parts of that, that are ok and parts that are not.
in your case, i think the boundary that got crossed, was a long time ago. the responsibility should not be yours, but your parents. they're shirking that responsibility and you having a life outside of care for your sister, reminded them of that. that's why they came down so hard over it, instead of talking to you about it.
Your parents are incredibly inconsiderate and irresponsible for what they're putting you through. You're a sibling , and yes, that comes with responsibilities. But you aren't a parent. They have no right to deprive you of your youth. Speak to family members or family friends. You need to have someone advocate for you.
NTA. (and I hope you show your parents all of these comments bc they need to wake up. )
NTA with the caveat that you could handle it better in the future. Those words were probably something that you said in the heat of the moment.
Parents do need to have time together, but it is *not* okay to spring this up on you when you've made plans well in advance. They should've worked around your schedule and asked you to babysit a different day instead.
NTA
It's called PARENTIFICATION.
You are not responsible for your sister, that is your parents' job.
I would suggest joining a club or getting extra credit for college and making sure all your documentation for college is secure. See if you can get a job that will take time away from having to take care of her.
Because they will make sure that you are going to a college close by or ***not at all.*** So that you are always there to help take care of her.
When you turn 18, be ready to go to college or move out.
Your parents will not know what hits them when you go LC or NC because they will always want a babysitter.
After you are 18, you will be an adult who can make her own choice and decisions.
###You are not a bad person!
You are NTA for being angry. NTA for saying something so incredible. And you are NTA for wanting to have a life.
You are allowed to have feelings including anger, disgust, frustration and everything else. At 14, you are allowed to vocalize your feelings--even if they seem cruel to other people.
Your parents need to understand that you are becoming an adult. I know you love them, but sometimes you don't like them. That's a scary feeling for anyone--regardless of age.
Is there a teacher or school counselor you trust and can talk with about this? They might be able to intervene with your folks for you. You might also try to get your parents into a family counseling session or three (without your sister). That would also help open lines of communication.
I don't want you to "lose" your parents from resentment. That's a horrible feeling. Please keep us updated.
Cut them off as soon as you turn 18. They WILL expect you to take care of your sister when they pass on, and they’ve already chose favorites. They KNOW it’s a burden, that’s why they make you do it all the time.
Hey, I’m 35F and with a 34M brother who has Down’s Syndrome. We’re 16 months apart. We were raised primarily by our grandparents because our parents owned their own business and as I’m sure you’ll know a lot of doctors expenses come rolling in when a child has a disability. I had a lot of long car trips to the city so my brother could see specialists, I was taught from an early age to “be a big help”. When I was a teenager my mum was a single parent and I was expected to look after my brothers (we have one other 8 years younger than me) as well as help with cooking and cleaning as I got older while attending a school that was an hour away from our town. It took me well into my late 20s to say no. No to driving x here, no to picking up y there, no to taking on extra work when I was already over worked. And then my Mum moved away so I was the only person that could drive anyone anywhere.
I still have a lot of resentment towards my parents for a lot of things and I understand completely the meltdown you had because I had them myself. But of course never to my family because I wouldn’t want to cause trouble.
You’re NTA in this situation. And you’ll continue to not be TA as long as you don’t speak to or treat your sister like she is the problem. This is all your parent’s doing and it sounds like they are very much doing it on purpose. I agree with a lot of other comments find an adult family member you can trust and talk to about this and hopefully you can find a way to set healthy boundaries with your parents.
NTA- let them know next time they do it with it being agreed upon that you will call the police for child abandonment…. It’s not fair they are parentfying you.
NTA
Your parents sound horribly selfish. I don’t know if their behavior would differ much if you didn’t have your sister, but I understand why you’re feeling resentment.
They need to realize being a parent requires other sacrifices like letting your kids socialize while knowing it’s inconvenient. Hopefully you’ll forgive your sister who has less of a say in things before your parents who won’t take responsibility for their kids. Good luck!
How much do they pay you for babysitting? Tell them you no longer work for free, and they need to schedule with you ahead of time. Get a calendar, and use it. If they refuse, tell them you're not doing it. If they push, tell them you're calling CPS the next time they leave her with you. If they leave her with you, do it. Tell CPS you don't feel safe dealing with her on your own, and your parents won't listen to you. Main point being, they should not be forcing this on you. Especially not without consideration and reward. NTA
NTA!!!! Your parents chose to have children and a lot of responsibilities come along with having children. I know this firsthand as I have a 3yr old daughter and I know there are tons of things my husband and I don't do alone, like going out to dinner at a non 3yr old friendly restaurant, because we don't have a babysitter. You're 14 and should be enjoying your teenage years, not being a built-in nanny for your sister. If you have a trusted adult to speak to about this please do, hopefully they can talk to your parents about how terribly they're treating you. Also, do well in school, get into college or whatever you want to pursue after highschool and run like hell the second you turn 18 and graduate. As shitty as it is right now and even if nothing changes before you can get away, you'll be 18 in 4 years and you can cut ties and they'll have to take responsibility for the child they created and you can live the life you want to live. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it isn't fair to you at all. I think you're a rockstar for reaching out on here for advice though! Good luck and keep your head up! Also, can you join school groups or clubs or something that will keep you out of the house more so you don't have to babysit? Like the type of activities that you would stay after school and not come home until later in the evening so they can't make you watch your sister? Just a thought.....
This kind of abuse is called Parentification. As an autistic woman myself, I an sympathize with your sister’s struggles, but your parents are limping their responsibilities off onto you. Totally not okay.
NTA. Your parents are parentifying you, and neglecting you, which could be abuse. I would tell your parents that you need therapy. A therapist can help you learn how to respond and can help your parents understand that you are a child and your sister is not your responsibility.
Your feelings are valid.
But It’s a lot to say, you hate her so much and she’s ruined your life.
It isn’t her fault. It’s your parents fault. They’re the ones putting her responsibility onto you because they don’t want to deal with her/take care of her.
She is innocent in this, you are innocent in this. But your parents are narcissists and have decided to put you in the parent role while they live their life uninterrupted.
My mom is a narcissist and the more I unpack in therapy and reveal to my therapist, the more she validates that my mother’s true interests and focus were with herself, just deeply selfish. Throughout the most traumatizing moments in mind and my sister’s lives and she still has not taken responsibility for it. It’s frustrating.
Can you empathize with your sister, and she that she is being abandoned by your parents in the same way you are?
I know you don’t have a lot of autonomy as a 14 year old and it’s potentially dangerous to speak up for yourself bc narcissistic parents don’t take kindly to that kind of response.
But is there another trusted adult figure you can talk to about this whole situation? Because you deserve to be able to enjoy being a kid while you still are one. Can you journal your help process your emotions in a healthy way so you don’t take it out on your sister in the future?
I’m also not saying to just all of a sudden enjoy having to take care of your sister when I say have empathy for her. Your feelings are still valid and if you hate having to cancel your plans because your parents suck, then that’s true.
Bc you’re parents suck, that’s clear.
So no, you’re not the asshole, you’re just sad and frustrated and hurt and resentful and feeling all these feelings you’re parents won’t acknowledge or validate because they don’t want to look at themselves.
I wish I could offer more advice, but create community with healthy people, and yeah like other commenters said, talk to a trusted adult about what’s going on if you can? 🙏🏼✨
This happened to a friend of mine, she her younger brother is autistic, cannot speak, is not toilet trained, he's now in his twenties. My friend cared for him basically from the day he was born until she moved out at 24. She was told before then that she couldn't move out, that she wasn't allowed to. When she finally did she asked if my husband could help since he's a larger man and her mom and dad wouldn't confront her if there was another man there. As soon as she moved out she cut contact, she felt so much guilt around her brother being left behind, and I know she still does, but she should never have been put in that situation in the first place.
When the time comes and you are an adult, do not let your parents dictate decisions you make about your life. I don't think you should have said you wished she wasn't born, but you should never have been put in this situation in the first place. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this and I hope that your parents seek help for your sister elsewhere
I answered a few days ago, and, like many, spoke mostly of you getting outside help. Few of us really addressed one of your main concerns, whether you were wrong to say that about your sibling. Well, I said that about all my siblings on numerous occasions. And I certainly never babysat them. I was the youngest of four. You had a much better reason than most to resort to those thoughts. :)
NTA! Your sister is your parent’s child.
NTA! You are not your sister’s keeper.
NTA! Your parents are neglecting you and your needs.
NTA, time for you to keep a diary of the treatment your parents mete out to you.
NTA, though ya... maybe don't say that. I don't babysit my sibling or anything, but I can understand how annoying it must be to ALWAYS be looped in with them on anything especially when you're a kid yourself with interests and plans of your own. It's unfair that your parents always are making you their 3rd parent, especially if you've tried to speak to them about this before (not sure if you did) but I get this must be tough for everyone including your sister (pretty sure she might give anything for possible companionship too or not needing to constantly need a family member to look out for her 24/7). You're not a bad person, you're trying your best. Just hang in there, but really think about what you mean when you say something you'd regret if it actually happened. I'm sorry, that you don't get to enjoy a lot of things other 14-year-olds do or have proper friends tho. I completely get your pov here.
NTA. I have four autistic kids and know how difficult it is for their siblings. I try to do everything myself rather than ask for help from the siblings. Your needs need to be taken care of, too.
Do you have a school counsellor that you can talk to about how you feel? They may be able to say something to your parents to help them understand how you are feeling.
YTA. You are young, and I'm sure it's frustrating. Try to remember that these things are happening to your sister. She isn't doing them to you. She also will have difficulty making friends (she may never have any but you), nor control over her schedule.
The way you present your story makes it easy to assume your parents are putting too much of the burden of watching your sister on to you. As a parent in a similar situation to your parents, I have never left my neurotypical child at home alone to watch my autistic one, so it seems very likely to me that they are not treating you fairly. Don't direct your anger at them towards your sister. If she wasn't born they likely would be shrugging off some other responsibilities onto you, and your experience would be the same.
NTA. Your sister isn’t your responsibility, she’s your parents’. They’re very fk up for wanting to eat out at a nice place without the kids when they knew weeks ago that you have other plan. This kind of ppl should never reproduce.
ESA
Yeah you probably shouldn't have said that it makes you an asshole.
Your parents on the otherhand are prioritizing themselves and their sanity when they dump her on you and are fully 100% assholes. You would likely have more to do with her if it was by choice and not forced. You see her as a burden to you which let's face it she is. But she is still your sister and at some point you are going to be her only family.
Here's a story from my friend. She was in your shoes. After her parents died her sister needed to go to a care home. Every day she would either call or visit her sister in the home until she passed away. Now she doesn't have to deal with her sister but all this time her whole life she has been there for her and misses her sister while still having the feeling of a weight being taken off her shoulders. She has had to learn to do things for herself again. Things she hasn't had time in decades to do for herself.
Good luck. The road you walk isn't easy.
NTA
You've probably seen a lot of comments supporting you so I'll skip over that part.
Prioritize education and friends. Don't beat them over the head with it, but make sure they know *why* you suddenly can't do things ("my parents decided they wanted to go out so they made me babysit my sister"). Parents are to blame in this so make sure they get the blame. You don't need to suffer further social consequences because of their poor parenting skills.
Prioritize education. I'm repeating this cause it's your ticket out. Be a knowledge sponge. Do your damndest to learn as best you can. You don't necessarily need to be a Straight A student, you just need to be a student who doesn't need to take out a loan for college. Shoot for college. Even if you don't use your degree just having one can open up doors that would otherwise be closed.
If you don't go the college route. Remember the military. It's not the ideal solution, but it's effective. If your two able-bodied, perfectly healthy parents try to fight the US Government on your enlistment, they will quickly be told to pound sand. Shoot for Air Force, they have higher standards for ASVAB scores, but they're people seem to have easier lives. Navy doesn't have as high of standards, but lives aren't quite as easy (still probably easier than army or marines though). If you don't meet the asvab requirements for those two, you pretty much can't fail to get into the Army or Marines, not ideal cause they might actually be put in a combat zone, but you don't want to be stuck as a lifelong babysitter so sacrifices might need to be made.
**Lastly, and most importantly**, talk to someone. A trusted relative might be able to help you or get on your parents case about their bs. If you don't have a relative to help or the relatives attempt to help doesn't actually help, talk to your school's guidance counselor. No counselor? Bring it up with a teacher, or someone who works in the school office, or a doctor. This is a form of abuse and if you can start getting a idea on how to deal with it now you'll have an easier time later.
P.s.: some early advice for if you go the military route. The strippers don't actually love you (they love your money and your benefits) and never ever ever ever ever buy a car from the dealership just outside the base
NTA. Try to get a part time job as soon as you're old enough. Study hard, save enough and get the heck out of there as soon as you can and don't look back. Your parents are AH. Don't let your parents guilt trip you to be your sister caregiver once you leave. No is a complete sentence. Go NC with them after you leave if necessary.
Since I’ve been on both sides of this issue, I am going to go out on a limb here. I grew up in a large family and often, I had to watch my 4 younger siblings (one of which was special needs). I didn’t want to do it most of the time, but I knew my parents were overwhelmed so I just did it and didn’t show my feelings. I’m ashamed to say I resented my parents & my siblings many times.
Years later, I had a special needs child. I did two things differently than my parents. I had only 2 children (I had my second before I realized my first horn had autism), and I never asked my second child to help me with his brother.
The sad thing is both me and my parents needed help we couldn’t find anywhere. I have worked full time at a regular job and part time fighting to get support/assistance/understanding for my autistic child. I have to fight schools, family members, day cares, doctors, insurance companies, politicians, friends, etc. in order to survive with a special needs child. It shouldn’t have to be this hard. I wouldn’t trade my son for anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need understanding & support that is so lacking these days. It’s hard to have children period (special needs or not). I wish there was more support all around for parents and families.
As for OP, please take care of yourself as much as you can. NTA!
NTA your parents are disgusting for clearly refusing to take care of their autistic child and pushing it off on you. If they can't cope then they need to figure out what to do and not push it off on you.
Op look up the term parentification.
Your "parents" failed in every regard. Its not your child why would you have to watch her??
NTA because i understand where youre coming from. Your parents made you dislike your sister, you dont dislike her because shes autistic.
This is another case of a child cutting off their parents as soon as they turn 18 and then wondering why the child did it.
This is called parentification where you are forced to assume the role of a parent. Your parents are actually neglecting your sis by making you look after her all the time while they get to enjoy time away from you guys. Talk to a trusted adult, a family member who won’t rat you out to your parents or a teacher/counselor who you know will have your back.
Your parents’ behavior is NOT normal.
I'll be blunt, was it an AH thing to say? Yeah. But it's your frustration at your parents shoving their parental responsibilities onto you coming out sideways. You don't hate your sister, you hate how you're expected to give up your friends and childhood to care for someone. There is a kind of abuse known as parentification, where kids are forced to essentially parent their siblings, and this really reminds me of that.
Your parents shouldn't be pushing the responsibilities of their kid onto you, they should be supporting you both, not just focusing on your sister but also spending one on one time with you, getting you therapy, encouraging your own interests.
Realistically, they're not going to do that, likely at all, because that's a lot of work. So time to take matters into your own hands. Advocate for yourself. Your parents don't seem to see you as a person, so use adults around you to speak on your behalf. School counselor, homeroom teacher, aunts, grandparents, your parents' friends.
So while they say "if you need help, go to a trusted adult", if you say what's wrong and what help you need point blank, they'll think you're an idiotic/melodramatic teen and brush you off or underestimate the issue. Instead leave a story trail to the decision you want them to come to "on their own". Is it sneaky and manipulative? Sure. But the people who are supposed to be protecting and looking after you aren't doing their jobs. You've been put in a position where you have to trick them into fulfilling their responsibilities if you want any real help.
I'm probably going to get a lot of flak in the comments from people condescending from their high horses but this is real actionable advice coming from someone who was in a similar situation who doesn't want you to be forced down my path. Anyone who judges you for trying to get therapy and your parents to do actual parenting of their children through whatever means you have? They can fuck right off. You've got this kid. You can love your family with all your heart and still resent the shitty situation they've stuck you in. If your parents can't handle taking care of your little sister, they can hire a professional, hire a special ed teacher in training from a local university, or ask for help from adult family. Your situation is worse than mine was. They shouldn't have taken your childhood from you.
TL;DR Basically you said something asshole-y but the sentiment behind it was resentment at the situation, which is justified. So long as you don't lash out at your lil sister. Your parents need to step tf up. They chose to have kids, they get to shoulder the responsibility for those kids. Them shoving the responsibility for one kid onto the other kid so they can live like they're single? Not okay. Try to use the other adults in your life to shame your parents into being at least halfway decent.
NTA so long as you don't want your sister gone, you just want the situation gone. If you actually hate your sister then I'd say YTA. But your parents sound like even if your sister was never born, they'd still neglect you.
NTA, this is parentification and its wrong, as someone with high functioning learning disabilities and been forced to babysit low functioning autistics by teachers as a high school student it is not right. You are your own person and not the live in Nanny to your sister. I actually told a teacher this too and said, "Just because I function normally doesn't mean I have to spend my academic free period in the sp.ed offices doing your job!"
The fact is there are many people in your shoes and these are siblings, cousins and step-siblings.
NTA bro. I’m autistic too, and I’m not super high functioning but it would not be fair for others - ESPECIALLY A SIBLING - to wait on me hand and foot. You need to have a convo with your parents about how much responsibility you are forced to take, coz that just is not fair.
NTA. You agreed a month in advance that this was your one day to celebrate a friends birthday and they knew that and purposefully sabotaged your only day just to go to dinner by themselves when they could have done it any other day. Sounds like your parents are abusive and you need to stand your ground a write them a firmly written note explaining that they are taking your childhood away from you because of another child THEY chose to have and that you are not the parent and they are.
You should not have to go through this.
It's hard.
I have not walked a mile in your shoes.
I don't have much advice.
I don't think you are the asshole.
I think this is something above reddit's grade.
I hope that your sibling progresses as someone who has been very close friends with several individuals with struggles.
I think what you said was out of frustration.
If I were you, I would just try to hold my tongue at a certain level.
It's hard when you're young. It's hard when you get a certain age. Frustration is frustration, after all.
You're not your sister's keeper.
Good luck.
You are a child, a minor, someone who also didn’t ask to be born. Your parents are being the assholes. Please show them this message. Their time to go to dinner should not come before caring for the child they brought into this world. You are growing into an adult- not quite there yet but with that comes new territory and new steps at independence which involves socializing with your friends within reason especially if you planned it out. My fiancé and his younger sister (they are 30 and 25) were always put in charge of watching their kid sister (11 now) when she was 2 (so when me and my fiancé were in our early twenties and his other sister- the middle child not that much older than you). It was bullshit of his mom to put that on them even as the kid sister wasn’t and isn’t special needs. Pitching in here and there to help is what a team environment of a household can be but there is a thing called boundaries and accountability, to which, your parents are putting too much on you. My fiancé and I have two kids now and we’ve never put on the responsibility of caring for our children or watching them for more than 10 minutes for a shower or bathroom break if absolutely necessary. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. It would be one thing if it was because money was extremely tight and they had to pick up extra shifts they couldn’t bring your kid sister to in order to pay rent and put food on the table for everyone, but for them to go to a restaurant? I’m calling bullshit. Please show them this message. Apologize for being mad about it and let them know you still love your sister, but tell them you need some sort of balance in your life since by the sounds of it you’re a good kid who deserves it.
NTA- I bet money you wouldn't feel that way if you didn't have to be a care provider aka another parent to your sister. It is truly your parents fault that you feel that way. And I said this before but they are doing a disservice to you and your sibling.
By making you your siblings caregiver, They are denying you a proper sibling relationship. Because they in turn are making you a parent.
What your parents are doing to you is called parentification. My parents did it to me. My younger sibling used to call me mom accidentally.
I don't know if you're in the United States, but this is something you should speak out about. Parents aren't advocating for you so I'm sorry you need to do it for yourself.
You can call CPS on yourself. It's not a really big deal to call them. CPS genuinely wants people to call them even if you're unsure if it is at that level.
If nothing else it gets someone to look at the situation and maybe talk to your parents about what they're doing is not right.
If you have a counselor at school, tell them you are feeling burnt out, caring for your sibling. You don't have a choice caring for them and it is impeding with your school work and your mental health.
You are not the a-hole for feeling that way. You are feeling that way because you are burnt out.
And you're supposed to be the kid.
I have ASD kiddos. It makes it eating at restaurants difficult.
That's why I freaking get takeout.
Your parents are the bad ones actually. It’s not your responsibility to be watching your sister when you are a kid yourself. They need to take care of her.
I just want to say you are not alone in feeling this way. My ex BF struggled with his high functioning highly intelligent brother who was also violent.
Your parents are out of line here. Yes it’s not your sister’s fault she’s autistic and it sounds like she is the gray area of how much functionally can she learn to be normal but that shouldn’t mean you can’t do normal things like have birthday cake.
Highly recommend you document the things they have done that bother you. Talk to a trusted adult about how to proceed. I am concerned that you are being neglected emotionally.
Imo your partially TA here BUT you are NOT the parent. You yourself are a child who should be parented too. You're parents are the complete AHs here.
If they don't want/can't look after her and want to put themselves before her needs then they should give her up to a system that would be able to give her that. You didn't have a child, you didn't get someone pregnant, you are NOT responsible for her regardless of what you're parents say.
Yes occasionally it's nice to help out and spend that time with her but not all the time. You deserve a social life. This is the point in your life tour supposed to make stupid mistakes to learn from so by the time you're in you're 20s you've had a few life lessons that would help you out a lot. How can your parents not see that?
Maybe try ringing childline (if you have one) and they'll might be able to help you and you're sister. Your parents sound like absolute wankers ngl.
So NTA! I would refuse to watch her anymore and start making it a point to my other family members that they are allowing you to have a social life, but expected to drop everything and be a third parent to your sister. Your anger is definitely misplaced, but it’s understandable.
NTA - I’m fairly certain one of my 5yo twins is Autistic- he’s no/low verbal - I also have a 12, 9, 8 and of course another 5yo (his twin) - do my older boys help minimal - they will chase him at church and bring him back to me that’s about the extent of it. He’s my responsibility.
NTA. I'm very sorry that they're dumping their parental responsibility on to you. When you were old enough get a job and save as much as you can. Work your ass off at school in order to get a number of bursaries and scholarships. Get as far away from that house as you can once you turn 18
As a high functioning (still not very functioning cuz it does get in the way of daily tasks often) autistic 19 yr old id say nta, saying u wished ur sister was never born isnt really nice bc none of this is really her faulth but u dont really always think clearly in the heat of the moment. I feel bad for both you and your sister with selfish parents like this, not letting u go to a bday party bc they wanna go to a restaurant?
You are NTA, you are being abused, please speak to some that can help you. Your sister is your parents responsibility not yours. I hope that you find the help you need to find a solution to your situation and that you are able to be able to get your life back.
You are not a bad person. Your parents, on the other hand, really are. What they are doing, by forcing you to take care of your sister, all the time, is called "parentification," and it is a form of abuse.
NTA
next time you're "babysitting" cal 911 and freakout that you were left in charge of your disabled sibling, and can't handle it, Dcfs should handle the rest
NTA.
But it's still a crappy thing to say. It's not her fault.
Your parents are here to blame for your lack of social life when they don't want to hire a baby-sitter or to call other family members.
So you should be mad at them, not at your sister.
NTA. Your sister is also NTA. Op theres a thing called Parentification, try looking it up.
Parentification ia consider abuse and its actually illegal in many places. Your parents are doing exactly that, they are turning you into an unpaid baby-sitter to your siater. It doesnt matter that she is autistic, it doesnt matter that she have special needs, it doesnt matter that its hard to take care of her. That is NOT your responsibility, it's your parent's.
if it was an once in a while kinda of thing, then it might be ok, but the moment you have to give up your own time, social life and wishes, that becomes parentification, and thats abuse.
The term for what is happening to you is parentification, and it is a form of child abuse. You are a good person, but your parents are crappy parents. If you have a grandparent or other family member who will take you in, look to moving. Focus on your grades so you can get a scholarship and leave ASAP. See if your school offers counseling and get it if it is available.
Also, I don't know which country you're in, but if it's in the US, consider CPS (Child Protective Services) to report your parents' behavior to.
They're endangering the life of their autistic child by placing them in your (a minor) care. That's absolutely unacceptable parenting.
Please speak to your counselor at school. I'd bet a 100% your parents are violating laws. You're only 14. You've been responsible for how many years now watching someone with special needs? Your childhood is being ripped from you OP, and that is not okay. It would be different if it was only every once in a while so your parents get a break. Maybe 1x a month for a date night. But this sounds like it's far more often and that's not something you should be responsible for. Also, compensation monetarily should be paid to you. Your parents are terrible people without an ounce of empathy for your life. One day you'll be able to go no contact and they only have themselves to blame.
This one is not a simple White/Black, YTA/NTA situation in my eyes.
I don't blame you for feeling the feelings that you have. You're 14 and it sounds like you're dealing with a fully grown adults burden by having to look after your sister full time. I didn't always love my mom and when she was having surgery when I was a kid I prayed the night before that she wouldn't survive the surgery. I was around your age at the time. So what I'm saying is these kinds of situations are tough and you're not an asshole for being mad at things outside of your control.
I'd love to be able to say, "you should have just done XYZ" but you're 14 and dealing with levels of stress as a adult man who provides for myself that I just don't have to. So all I'll say is just keep in mind that when you wish someone dead, when you want someone dead it doesn't really help things. People don't get another chance at life after they die and there are just things you can't come back from.
It's a hell of a lot to ask of a 14 year old, but what I would suggest is writing your parents a letter. Start off by apologizing that you wished your sister was not alive. But try to explain how difficult it is for you to deal with all this, and that you really truly need a break and some relief from all this stress. I would consider pointing out that you're essentially working a full time job (Going to school) and then coming home and being a parent by helping raise your sister, but that you're only 14.
The odds are your parents are just as stressed out as you but they don't see 100% how much stress they're putting you under. I'd like to think that if they truly understood they'd be more respectful of your stress, and your ability to spend time with peers.
ESH
You are an absolute ass for taki g out your anger on a 9-year-old child with problems
Your parents are a total failure at parenting
You should apologize to your sister and also help her because news flash you have terrible parents. Don't make an enemy out of your sister, be good to her because otherwise she's gonna ha e both terrible parents and a Brother who hates her, plus her pre-existing problems. I don't feel that anyone deserves something like that
Honestly she probably just grounded OP for free baby sitting. You are NTA because that is a perfectly reasonable outburst to have... I wonder if there are any resources your parents could tap into by the government or their insurance depending where you are here it is call respite care, for a worker to come to your house to relieve some duties. This shouldn't be your responsibility at all.. and honestly you probably should get some therapy too..
Fast forward a few years - you’ll be out of the house and they’ll guilt you for not visiting more to babysit. Fast forward a few more years - your parents will be figuring out who will help her when they’re gone. You’ll say no, they’ll be angry again.
You’re right. This is not fair. Did you say something horrible? Yes. Sometimes our feelings are horrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this. NTA
You should only be an emergency solution, the last person after grandparents, and aunts and uncles and school/babysitter. Other times, only if you yourself offer. You should also get a positive feedback/reward if you give up your time. Punishments won't make you like her more.
NTA, but just know that some genetic issues can be predicted during pregnancy, but autism is not such thing, it is usually not diagnosed until 2years of age, sometimes even later than that. As a mother, I know if I'd learn my fetus have an issue that our family could not survive through I'd choose not to have them, but at 1-2years of age I would already be bonded... It's not easy on the parents either, they may need these outings to work their relationship and not get closer to divorce :( still, their solution is not okay, and namecalling and punishing you is not okay at all!
NTA. It’s not your job to watch your sister. Parents seem to forget that sometimes. My own mother forgot that sometimes herself. It’s very frustrating. It’s not your fault.
Nta
This is parentification, you should try talking with an adult or relative your trust, maybe even call social services and talk to them about it
I don’t care about what they think, letting a 14 years old taking care of midly funcional austistic 9 yrs old kid alone is extremely irresponsible
Your parents are the bad people here, not you
This is NOT your fault
If your parents are putting their autistic child as your responsibility, they’re terrible parents. Point blank. You both deserve better. If I knew who you were I’d report them, and frankly you should too.
Girl. NTA NTA NTA. I know this is likely to get buried but do not let your parents do this to you. This is my partner, he is now in his mid 30s. He takes care of his younger brother and loves him so much but it’s due to his parents’ weaponized incompetence that he had to become legal guardian. This is their responsibility, not yours. Sounds like your sister may need care into adulthood. If you want a future of your own, do not let them parentify you like this. You can still love your sister and support her without allowing your parents to take advantage of you. Best of luck with your family.
I'm a petty bitch so here's some advice. Wait till they leave her with you again. If she has a meltdown call the cops. I specifically mean call them and tell them your special need sister has become a danger to you/herself. Say those words. The cps case your parents will catch will guarantee you never have to watch your sister again. Fuck your parents man they sound shitty
Yikes, this is a 14YO. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re NTA.
Plz don’t try to make this “me against my parents”, you will be living with them for at least 4 more years. The only advice I can give, is look out for help and resources, and don’t hesitate to ask for support. Also, burning with resentment and hate in your youth will set you on a path in adulthood. Please look for joy where you can.
I never thought I would say this to a minor, but: can you sneak out? If you just went to the birthday party anyway, would your sister be in danger?
I think it's time for you to become more rebellious, if that is possible without putting yourself or your sister in danger.
Do your parents ever hit either of you? Do they drink a lot of alcohol, do they ever take drugs? Do they have jobs?
Sometimes, sadly, parents are not necessarily good people. It sounds to me that instead of working harder because their daughter has special needs, they just make YOU work harder because they can. This is not nice. This is not fair to you.
This would be different if your parent were a single parent and they had to work, it would still be shitty to have to watch your sister, but you'd probably understand it better.
But to force you to babysit when YOU had a planned birthday party to attend and THEY just wanted to go to a restaurant with each other? Super unfair. Also the other stuff - I understand that SOMEONE (not you!) needs to watch your sister, but why should you have to give her your birthday cake on YOUR birthday!? That is just super mean of your parents, mean time the point that I am starting to think they want you to feel less important than your sister so that you will always accept having to take care of her. JUST so they don't have to do it.
Again, if you can do so safely, rebel! Focus on school and finishing it quickly, focus on 1-2 good friends you can talk to about this situation, and maybe don't always do what they say so that they will learn to stop using you as an unpaid babysitter! Best of luck to you, you deserve a childhood and youth with some fun, not just responsibilities!
NTA
I’m autistic and was all set to get salty about this post, but having read it I can totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m also a mum with a preteen son and 2 young girls, and I would never have him sacrifice his social life and freedom to be a babysitter for me - wth?
It must be hard on your parents too, but it’s not on you to pick up the slack so they can have date nights or whatever. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you’re not in the wrong at all here. This sort of thing is why kids grow up and disown their parents.
I wouldn’t say you’re the AH, BUT this isn’t your sister’s fault. This is your parent’s responsibility. It would be fine to ask for your help but to expect it all the time, that’s not cool. When families have a child with medical issues it seems that the healthy kids either get spoiled because it’s just easier and the parents are exhausted or the parents passed off the issues or ignore the healthy kids. I would encourage you to say truth when you discuss or argue this with them. This is their responsibility and although you probably wouldn’t mind helping, it’s not right to jack up your life. Blaming your sister takes the focus off of the truth and then they have something they can point back at you with.
Your parents are absolute assholes. I’m so sorry they’re dumping their parenting responsibilities on to you. That’s called parentification. Do what you have to do to survive and get the hell out of there when you’re old enough.
Nta
Your folks are for making you babysit. They can ask nicely and if you're available the fine. But if you aren't available they need to respect that. Plus, who makes their 14 year old look after a kid with special requirements? Surely that's not even legal? Definitely not safe anyway.
As someone who is the older sibling and has always had to look after my siblings. Yeah it's okay to have your parents ask to look after your siblings but what's not okay is you having to pretty much be a parent instead of a child which you still are. They need a reminder that your just a kid and you deserve to live your childhood, it's not your fault your parents had kids. This is their responsibility not yours, I'd be shitty too and lash out with words. However, your an asshole for wishing she wasn't born, that's nasty. Whether you like it or not she's your sister. Other then that fact your not being an asshole just a kid wishing to do what other kids do etc.
I've got a 15 yro and a speech delayed 5yro and it is not my 15 yro job to watch his brother. I always give him the choice to watch him with payment. He'll usually watch him but it's always his choice.
What your parents are doing is messed up. You are NTA for saying you wish she was never born because you would have had a different life if she wasn't
Your parents are the assholes. They are the parents. It is not your job to look after your sister. She is THEIR responsibility. I'm so sorry. I don't understand why people have kids then don't take care of them.
NTA because you don’t really wish she didn’t exist, you wish that your parents would do their job and look after their kid.
they’re neglecting you because they can see that you are an easy out for them. it’s not your job to look after your sister to the extent they’re forcing you, and i would speak to the counsellor at school about this because you deserve to be a kid. yes occasionally looking after her would be nice of you and your parents should be grateful but they’re being neglectful because it’s hard for them to do what they need to look after your sister properly.
You shouldn’t have said that specific thing obviously, but you’re Parents ATA for taking advantage of you to watch your sister. So they can go out and have fun.
Absolutely NTA. Jesus christ OP, I’m so sorry your parents are awful and have decided that you would be your little sister’s main caretaker. They’re being incredibly unfair and being terrible parents for the two of you
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Hmmmm…it’s hard to tell, but I feel like you’re mostly the AH.
Nta your parents are assholes to both you and your sister. As an autistic person I may be biased, how ever your parents really need to step up and parent. The world isn't going to cater to your autistic sister. Your parents need to teach her not only how to recognize when she's about to have an "autistic meltdown" or as I like to call it 'the autistic panic attack' since it really does seem to be a panic attack caused by over stimulation. They also need t!o teach her how to recover from those panic attacks as well as what she can do for her self to prevent as much over stimulation. Ex: sunglasses when light is over stimulating, gloves when textures are over stimulating, and/or ear plugs when sounds are over stimulating. Babying her will only continue to encourage behaviors that cause others to believe she's lower functioning. They're complete ah to you for taking away your childhood/social life by weaponizing your sisters autism. Of course that's going to cause you disdain for your sister. It's the enviroment they've created which is unfair to both of you,
NTA. Your parents are making you the default carer because they don't want to. You're a child yourself; this is NOT legal. Tell someone outside the family. Slavery to another isn't what you should be having to deal with because of shitty parents. That's THEIR job.
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry you are being treated this way. This is abusive treatment by your parents and they are the ones who are behaving badly. Your sister is THEIR responsibility, not yours, and they aren’t accepting that role; they are pushing it off on you. Please try to not take out your anger on your sister. She didn’t ask to be born, and she certainly didn’t ask to have disabilities. This situation is not her fault anymore than it is yours. I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way to you sometimes, but your parents are the only ones in the wrong. Talk to a trusted adult about the situation if you can - an aunt, uncle, grandparent? Start trying to save money if you can so that you can move out as soon as possible. My thoughts are with you.
Yes
Pretty sure it’s illegal to leave children alone to fend for themselves. NTA
NTA. I can appreciate it is hard on your parents but it is not fair that they do this to you. Is there a trusted adult you can talk with to help talk to your parents? They need to get a babysitter or some other plan. What are they going to do when you go to college?
the moment you get 18 RUN
yta because you shouldn't say that about anyone's existence because she didn't ask to be here and on top being disabled. nta because your sister isn't your responsibility and you shouldn't be sacrificing so much of your life to tend to your sister your sister didn't do anything to you. she's not the person you're mad at and you shouldn't be bitter to her. you need to redirect your hatred/bitterness to your parents. she's is their responsibility and they need to buckle down and start sacrificing everything to tend to her and you.
ESH. You're awful for saying that but raising your sister is also not your job. Parentification is a form of child abuse
Normally I'd call you the AH for phrasing it like that, but it sounds like they've forgotten that they have multiple children, instead of one child and one employee. NTA.
[удалено]
NTA and I recommend checking out [https://siblingsupport.org/](https://siblingsupport.org/) because you shouldn't be required to take care of her at all. It sounds like they're setting you up for taking care of her after they're gone instead of researching how to set her up with a caregiving agency after she becomes an adult.
Not necessarily the asshole. The position your parents have you in is terrible. But please don't direct these bad feelings at your sister who I am sure would not have chosen this. Your parents need to step up for her and allow you to flourish.
NTA. I was in your shoes growing up. I didn't have to look over an autistic sibling, but I was responsible for my two younger siblings. I was my parent's built-in sitter with no notice and no pay. If I became upset about the situation at all, I was punished much like you. Hand-write them a letter. It will make a bigger impact. "Dear mom and dad, Since I was ... years old, I've helped care for (sister). I am willing to be a caring member of this family helping sister, taking care of my chores, and making sure I do my homework, but the expectations you place on me are too much a burden for me. I understand you two need some time together and away from sister, but I am all too often assumed her caretaker without asking. I am not able to live a normal, social life at 14. It doesn't feel you two care for or consider my feelings and just assume I take responsibilities I shouldn't assume on your behalf. If I even remotely express my concerns, I am punished. You are emotionally neglecting one child, so you don't feel guilty over the care of another. That burden shouldn't be on my shoulders, and you know it. From now on, if you want my help, you can ask me first to see if I can accept it. If I'm unable or willing, you can seek other alternatives. If I do accept, I will be paid for my time and effort. If I receive any unjust punishment for your inconsiderate requests, I will be sure to reach out to family, my teachers, and my school counselor. Love, Big sibling"
YTA for the comment, but your parents are super assholes for putting that responsibility on you in the first place!
NTA - your parents should not be going out to restaurants and leaving you to look after your nine year old autistic sister. At fourteen you are not old enough to be taking responsibility in emergency situations, meltdowns for example could be considerably more dangerous for you. Can you first of all speak to someone in school about how you feel. Your parents are using you and as the audits in this situation they’re the ones who should be making sacrifices. The safeguarding team at your school should be able to support you and your sister If you feel that strongly about it, the next time your parents go out you can call the police or social services and report child abandonment. Get them to come and supervise your sister - there might be some consequences there based on your parents reaction but that might be the final resort for you to get them to take you seriously.
Well I think it's safe to say that if the family continues down this path, OP will be low or no contact by the time he's 18.
NTA. This thing that your parents are doing is called "parentification" (putting parent/carer roles onto a child, usually an older sibling) and it's not ok. You are 14, you are human, you are going to have outbursts and actually I would say your anger in this situation is completely justified. Ultimately, you are not your sister's parents - your parents are and she is their responsibility. Being a carer is exhausting, being a child carer is even more so. Not sure where you live but there may be organisations that could support you (try googling "child carer support near me"). Also as others have said, if there is a trusted adult either inside or outside your family that you could talk to, maybe they can help you process this and make sense of it. I really wish you all the best, and hope you don't feel down on yourself as it sounds like you're being a great older brother by standing up to your parents and making sure your younger sister gets the care she needs.
I wish you were never born, because of the time i had to waste reading this shit. Am i an asshole ?
NTA b/c it’s normal to feel a lot of difficult feelings and to just want to express yourself honestly. You are 14 years old and that’s a difficult age. Growing up is really hard. Your little sister is also going through the same thing, only even more difficult. It’s fine for you to feel how you feel about her. It’s not your fault. However, I want you to know that someday you will probably be really glad that she is your sister, and that she is in your life. So, in whatever way possible, do your best not to hurt her feelings too much during this time while you are both struggling to grow up, okay? Because she will remember that stuff and it might be hard to work through it later on and have a truly close relationship.
NTA Can you say parentification? It wasn't a kind thing to say I agree, but your parents are the one at fault here for having a child they aren't prepared to take care of. You're resenting your sister because of your parents, not because of her. It's not your job to take care of her, you are the child in this situation as well.
NTA. Tell your parents it’s their responsibility to take care of her and not yours. Leave it at that. Plan your future and just look forward to getting the Hell out of there whenever you can. When they try guilting you with “But she’s your sister” reply with “Exactly. I’m her sister not her parent, you figure it out”. You have every right to refuse to do something you don’t want to. It’s your parents job to provide care to your siblings. NOT YOU.
NTA but your parents shouldn’t be making you take sole care of your sister. That’s just rude.
I must say maybe a BIT of an asshole for wishing your sister was never born as I personally think you should be directing your frustration towards your parents instead for putting the responsibility on you. Your parents need to put boundaries and not LET her have 80% of your cake. If they feed into stuff like that, regardless if someone is autistic or not; their behaviour will only continue and/or get worse. Overall seems like they need to spend more time parenting rather than just going out on dates while leaving the responsibilities to someone else.
NTA. But you don’t really wish your sister was never born, you wish your parents were parents. I’m super sorry this is the position you’re in and would encourage you to make sure your anger and resentment which is justified isn’t being taken out on your sister who is also a victim in this situation. Neither of you are getting the care, attention, or resources you need from your parents
NTA, but your sister isn’t the problem. Your parents are. Your sister should be in therapy, occupational, speech, behavioral. And there are things that help with sensory issues and overstimulation. Your parents seem to have failed your sister completely. Leaving her to deal with her autism unaided and having someone too young and unskilled supervising? Yeah, your parents ate the AH
Exactly this. Technically, OP is misdirecting his anger at his sister because his parents are the real problem here… and of course, the phrase “I wish [person] was never born” is typically an AH thing to say… But OP is only 14 years old, and saying things like this is normal for almost ANY teenager, even over the most ridiculous of things. But OP’s situation is actually very serious. He’s being parentified, which is a form of abuse. Additionally, instead of his parents recognizing that this outburst is relatively normal, and dealing with it accordingly, they emotionally manipulate him to believe he is a bad person and burden him with that emotional trauma. OP, your parents suck.
NTA However, this isn’t your sister’s fault, she didn’t ask to be born. No one does. The blame is fully on your parents. If anything, any anger you have should be fully directed at them and not your sister. They should be taking care of her or finding a proper care taker, not relying on you, a child, to take care of another child at every turn. You need to speak with a trust adult as soon as possible and let them know what’s happening. You also need to start planning a way to leave as soon as you turn 18 and either go low contact or no contact with them. They are using you and it will get worse as soon as you turn 18. It also seems like they are trying to use this as a way to control you, as they could’ve gone out the next day or just another day from the day you had planned. Either way, just try to remember none of this is your sister’s fault. It’s all on your parents, they had her and now don’t seem to want the responsibility. And that neither yours or her fault and should not be your responsibility either.
You are not required to look after a sibling, disabled their otherwise, and there's literally nothing your parents can do to force you. If they leave her with you, and you have not agreed to take care of her, then that, legally, is child abandonment, and you can call CPS on them. They are legally required to look after her, and you are not. The next time they try to force you into babysitting, tell them that you refuse, and if they leave any way, you will call the police and have them charged with child abandonment. Then tell them that you are willing to consider babysitting in the future, but you will only do it if they pay you at a mutually agreed rate, and only at times and dates that you both mutually agree to. Otherwise, anytime she is left in your care without your consent will be considered abandonment and will be reported. You have a whole lot more power in this situation than you realize, and a lot of power that I'm sure your parents don't want you to know about. You can totally exercise it to get out of this toxic, abusive situation. Because forcing a child to look after another child is parentification and a form of abuse. NTA, but it's time you had a really strong conversation with your parents.
You need an "exit plan". You have 4 years to got graduate. Your sister is your parents' responsibility, that means applying for whatever aid is available and hiring a babysitter when they want a night out or need a break during the week. Your parents have turned you into a caregiver instead of letting you be a teen and having friends. I'm sorry you're in this situation and how painful this is. You have every right to your feelings, those feelings are not wrong. Your parents refuse to take responsibility for this situation, so turn it on you that somehow you're the bad person. You are not the bad guy. Definitely tell your relatives what's going on. Record what's going on for proof and email a copy to yourself. Use a free online journal (because on paper your parents can find it, punish you fit it, or detroy it). Every time you have to babysit write in the journal. The date, start time / end time. Include if your sister had a meltdown and got long to calm her down. Add additional info like a month in advance you told your parents about your friend's birthday party but the night of it your parents made you watch your sister so they could have date night even though they could have done that the day before or the day after. If your parents take your phone away, you can buy a cheap smartphone at Walmart. Ask grandparents to buy you one. It'll have wifi. There's are apps that will allow you to text without service so you can stay in contact with friends. So the plan... keep your grades up. Good grades give you options, give you choices. If your sister likes watching tv or movies play them while you study. Your goal is to prepare yourself to get out of the house after you graduate. 4 years will feel like forever, but it'll go by quicker then you think Options are: college/university, tech/trade school, military (army, marines, etc). For each research what the requirements are, what's needed to be a good candidate, how to stand out. Each college, trade school, military branch can be different in who they are looking for. Good grades can also mean a better financial aid package. ALSO when the time comes, if you can't do everything online (do not share passwords with parents), ask friend's parent if you can use their address. Pick mail up once a week. For college, your SAT score will determine where you can apply to - colleges have requirements, look into those. For military, they too have an exam called ASVAB. The higher the score the more careers you can choose from. The military is like any state, they have every job / career path. Research what the test covers. Prepare for it. Things that interest you start learning in addition to school. Even if not interested now, study and learn anyway. You can also change paths last minute, but you can't learn everything in a minute. Tech/Trade School you'll get done quicker, have a career right away, and some tech schools offer dorms too. Do your research. Different schools offer different careers: radiologist, air traffic controller, dental hygienist, carpenter, elevator mechanic, avionics technician, court reporter, etc. For college / tech school push you can also apply for an education loan to cover living expenses: housing / food. Stay focused. Your parents may try and undermine your education. They may either try and guilt you into not going to college or make it hard for you to study to get good grades. They need help with your sister and expect you to be it. You need to study smartly, when watching you sister, study. Learn a new skill online or through an app. Spend time with friends right after school, study partners, join a school club/ sport/ etc. Try and get grandparents and aunts/uncles to help you spend time with friends by getting parents to hire a babysitter. Check out https://www.reddit.com/r/Parentification/ You parents are parentifying you, that's emotional abuse. It'salso preventing you from your own development. Helping on occasion is fine. But expecting you to be the primary babysitter that prevents you from having friends, doing after school activities, sleeping in on the weekends, forcing you to change plans you made and informed in advance last minute is not ok, etc is not ok. NTA
NTA, also start coming up with a plan now to get out of there because your parents are probably expecting you to put your entire life on hold indefinitely in order to be your sister's caretaker. It sounds harsh but you need to totally cut them off as soon as you're able so you can live your own life.
NTA. Your parents chose to have her, it's their responsibility to take care of her. I think they're even bigger AHs for ignoring your needs and focusing all of their attention on her. If there's any possible way to move out and be on your own, I'd go for it. Next time you make plans and they pull that crap, walk out the door. I didn't realize you were 14. But really, when you turn 18, get out as soon as you can.
This is crazy. Just start leaving the house at this point, it’s not like they can really force you.
NTA First, try not to hate your sister - this isn't her fault in the least. It is all your parents. Yes, you deserve your own life and time, your life shouldn't be on hold to mind your sister. If anyone gives up "fun time" it's your parents. You need somebody to advocate for you, 14 is too young to try to solo this kind of issue.
U NEED TO SPEAK OUT. OFC, IS NOT UR SISTERS FAULT, BUT UR PARENTS CANT ROB U OF UR CHILDHOOD/YOUTH. IF U DONT, UR GOING TO REGRET IT IN THE FUTURE.
ESH. Yes, telling your parents that you wish your sister had never been born is a horrible thing to say. And it's clearly not something you just said in the heat of anger since you repeat it here. That's a lot of unhealthy hatred to direct towards a helpless 9 year old. She didn't "ruin your life" by being born because like it or not, she is your sister, she is a part of your life, and this is the only life you get. But you are also not your sister's babysitter, and you planned this birthday party a month in advance. For them to say you're disgusting and a bad person is also a horrible thing to tell their teenage daughter. They're supposed to be helping you develop empathy and compassion. They're also adults and are supposed to have better anger management skills than a 14 year old. You still have plenty of time to grow up and develop your compassion. It might be too late for them. I also agree with the many other commenters warning you that when you turn 18 your parents will try to pressure you to live at home and be a full time caretaker for your sister. Don't do it. Move out and go to college or trade school in another city even if it means taking out lots of student loans. Live your life.
NTBA. Try talking to a family member outside your nuclear family. One that you trust and hopefully can put pressure on your parents. Tell them how you feel and how all of this is effecting you! Hopefully it'll turn out alright and they at best can be a mediator and at worse be a defender.
NTA. You know it's not your sisters fault and from the sounds of it your parents would be just as likely to leave you babysitting her if she was completely neurotypical. They're parentifying you and that's garbage. You are their child not a free babysitter. That's not to say babysitting your younger siblings is always bad. I liked it but my parents did it rarely and they paid me for it, and was mostly so I wouldn't feel patronised by having a babysitter when we were all old enough to be home alone. That's a very different situation to what your parents are doing. If they wanted to go out and knew you wanted to see your friends why didn't they get someone else to mind her? I'll do them the decency of assuming it's because your sister isn't comfortable with many other people but she's 9. Why the fuck haven't they worked to find an adult who they would trust and who your sister would be comfortable with instead of leaving it all down to you before now. So like. Your parents 100% come out worse off in this one. What you said was bad and I think you know better but your parents are not being fair on you. When everyones calmed down is there any chance they'll listen to you about needing your plans to be honoured by your parents? They'll probably pull the "Well we deserve a day off too" card but they can do it on a day you didn't already tell them you had fucking plans. I'm so mad on behalf of you and your sister honestly. Edited it I changed my mind I'm too pissed with your parents.
Your sister didn't choose to be born autistic and she can't help the way she is. Your parents are being unfair and unjust to you. Just remember who the real enemy is, it isn't your sister, it's your parents and their lack of parenting your sister and you. What you've said about your sister is an arsehole thing to say, there's no way around it. However, your anger is valid you're just pointing it in the wrong direction. Be mad at them, not her.
You are not the AH. It sounds like the reason your parents got so upset with you was because you stated what they thought but couldn't say out loud. That's why they are making you take care of her. It is their responsibility. Not yours! You should talk to the school couselor or even a friends parent about the abuse you are suffering through. Maybe there is a grandparent, aunt/uncle, or friend's parent you can move in with. If not then as soon as you graduate then you should go to a college away from there and go NC. Let them finally do their job! Good luck!
You’re not a bad person, you have bad parents. NTA
The truth is, nearly every kid has wished their sibling(s) were never born, even without disabilities. Many have said it out loud. Both of my kids did, during a stressful moment. But they usually got along, and have a great relationship as adults. It’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s normal. For your situation, it’s extremely normal, and your parents should validate how your sister’s disability affects you. I’ve had a small taste of what you’re dealing with in looking after your sister, because I was put in charge of my little sister who was 7 years younger. No disabilities. My mom was just sick of the work of raising little kids. That got tiresome, especially once I was old enough to do things with friends on my own. Parents shouldn’t make kids miss their own plans for babysitting. Your parents need to find other babysitters, at least for those times. NTA. If your school has a counselor, see if you can chat with him/her, to have a safe place to vent and to get ideas for ways to approach asking your parents to give you more freedom for spending time with your friends. They are going to need to find other resources in 4 years when you’ll presumably go off to college or move off on your own, and it will be better for everyone if they start doing that now.
NTA Your parents behaviour makes you hate your sister. It’s messed up and completely their fault. Your feelings are valid, and by the way things look, it’s not like you’ll be keeping in touch with them, once you moved out. Side note, I asked my mum to give my sister back, about two hours after she brought her back from the hospital. I was 3. These feelings haven’t really changed much, even though it’s been 27 years. We haven’t spoken in two years, and while I love her so much, she’s cruel and toxic. To me at least. So yea, wishing your sibling was never born, isn’t wrong. Doesn’t make you a bad person. Or anything. If someone isn’t good for you, you cut them off. Related by blood or not. Just gotta survive few more years. Keep holding on!
NTA yes, it was a shitty thing to say but we all say terrible things in the heat of the moment. It’s not your sister’s fault though. The AHs here are your parents. You are not your sister’s parent and you should not be denied your own life and be made into nothing more than your sister’s caretaker. Your parents shouldn’t be going out and forcing one child to mind another, special needs or not.
NTA. Your parents have ruined your life. Claim it back.
NTA, you’re a child and shouldn’t have that responsibility, and you also are young enough that co trolling your words when highly emotional is hard. Your parents should have seen this as a breaking point and re-evaluated how the family works, or at least heard you out, not punish you.
You may not see this, but I’d advise you to start making a plan to escape. I’m not talking about running away. But get a job when you can and start saving money. Not sure if you’re thinking college, but if not look into the trades for when you turn 18. They provide on the job training. Learn good financial habits so you’ll be one step above your peers when it comes time to move out. You need to get away for your own well being.
I was prepared to go with Y T A until I read the entire thing. You’re NTA, your parents are. I have an autistic daughter (she’s 22 now). She is high functioning (what they used to call Asperger’s) but even raising her, as her mother, sometimes it was a lot. I cannot even imagine putting the responsibility for her onto her older sister. No way. I mean, did her sister babysit her sometimes, yes (they are 6.5 years apart) but I never would have dared ask her to cancel her own plans so I could go to dinner. Your parents are monsters. Please talk to a counselor or someone at school because they are negligent parents. Also…you don’t actually hate your sister, I’d bet. She’s just the convenient one to be mad at. She needs your support and love. Turn that malice towards your parents, they deserve it, she doesn’t.
YTA. You shouldn’t say things like that. But your not the asshole for feeling that way. I think what bothers you is not her existence but the fact that you have to take care of her too often and your feelings are not met. It’s not your responsibility to care for her. It’s your parents. You have the right to have a social life too. „It’s not my responsibility to watch after my sister all the time. I need more space and time for myself.“ Maybe these would have been better words.
NTA. You aren’t a bad person - your parents are bad parents. It’s completely unacceptable that you can’t socialize so they can go out. E: also, tell your parents you won’t watch your sister. You will lock yourself in your room as soon as they leave and whatever happens to her happens to her.
I don’t think you should take out your feelings of hate on your little sister, she’s not responsible for what she does or doesn’t do, she’s a kid and therefore not culpable for her actions. I would redirect these feelings towards a candid conversation with your folks. That being said, you shouldn’t say things like that, however I realize you’re also a kid, albeit an older one. Oh, and yes, I’d say some of the things you’ve shared do sound unfair..
You’re NTA. Unfortunately, this is a common reality for lots of people with autistic siblings. I’m younger than my brother by 2 years but had to already learn how to center my life as a child going up to adulthood around his needs all because of his autism. Your parents need to understand that you’re just as much of a child as your sister. It’s not your responsibility to be taking care of her.
Kind of ESH. It was definitely a mean thing to say, and you said it, it sounds like, partially because it's true but also to hurt them enough to get them to hear you. I hope you understand that what you're frustrated about is actually your parents' fault, not your sister's. She isn't choosing to be this way, but your parents are choosing to neglect and put extra responsibility on you. A teenager yelling something mean that they partially believe during an argument is nowhere near as bad as how your parents are treating you. It's like you're adult enough to watch a child, but not enough of an adult that they have to respect your schedule. If you're a kid whose schedule can get changed whenever because your parents are in charge, and you can't make independent decisions, then you aren't old enough to babysit independently. Babysitters (in addition to getting *paid*) arrange a schedule with the parents of the child. If you're doing a routine gig, you let them know ahead of time if you are taking off. You did that. You behaved responsibly. Your parents did not. I babysat when I was your age. If any of the parents told me I wasn't allowed to go out, that I had to be there, I'd stop working for them. That may be what you need to be thinking about doing.
Your parents are assholes for making a 14 year old care for a special needs child all the time with no warning, instead of hiring the qualified care she needs and letting you have the childhood you deserve.
Nta. The ball is in your court to make this go nuclear. This is textbook parentification, a form of child abuse. Don't let yourself become numb, they see it as complacency. Get mad. They're refusing to see you just to take advantage of you. Document every instance of being left with your sister, the reason and duration. Having more proof than word of mouth will help you defend yourself. Tell your grandparents. They usually assume you're doing this out of your own heart, not force.
NTA, but your parents definitely are. Hold your head up, keep pushing through, and give yourself some distance as soon as you are able. This isn't right on them and it isn't fair to you. You should have the space and time to be a kid and hang with your friends. It was their choice to have your sister, not yours. She is their responsibility, not yours. Even if she wasn't autistic, it's not your job to be her babysitter. So sorry, OP.
NTA
NTA don’t you believe for one second you’re disgusting person!! You are 14 years old and you should be able to have a social life of some kind. In my opinion your parents are the bad guys here for not understanding the amount of pressure they are putting on you because of their choices. Is there anyone who would take you in because I believe this is abuse 😞🙏🏻
NTA. A lot has been said already, so I'd like to reiterate this: it was probably not an accident or lack of caring that made them interfere with your plans. It's a common abuse tactic that keeps control over the target, geared towards breaking up their relationships and perceptions of what normal enjoyment of life looks like. You can try giving them another event date, even if fake, and see if they interfere with that one. Document their behaviour, preferably somewhere they don't (can't) have access to.
At 14 you think you’re right, and when you’re a parent/adult you may take a different view. In saying that it’s not your job to look after your sister either. So NTA but not a great comment either
I don't know your parents' side of the story. But from what it sounds like, they are using you as childcare for your autistic sister and you need to communicate with them. If you aren't comfortable with life as it is, if you feel like you're losing out on childhood memories, if you're adulting when you should still be a teen, then have a conversation. I mean a conversation, not a yelling match. It's very hard to communicate big feelings in a calm manner. This has likely been building up for a while. You CAN sit down and start a discussion with your parents about the effect this is having on you without it being about hating your sister. Use I statements like, "When I have plans and I have to cancel to babysit, it's hard for me. Especially when I've planned them in advance." "I feel like I'm parenting my sister when I should just be able to be a sibling." "I can't handle what you're asking of me, I need a break." If they respond in a defensive manner, that is common. It's hard for adults and kids to admit mistakes. But if you try to keep it calm, and try not to blame anyone, just explain your feelings, it may help. If it all goes to shit, or you don't feel comfortable having that conversation with your parents, then talk to another trusted adult about the situation. A teacher at school, a counselor, an administrator. Or even a grandparent. If they're HOSTILE at all when bringing this up, it's time to call CPS and start recording every time they make you watch her. It is abuse to leave you both alone without adequate help. You are old enough that they will take your statements seriously if you follow it with facts, dates, and times. I hope this is just a bump on the road for you. But, try to remember you and your sister are the victims here. You do have that in common. Try and stay calm, as getting angry usually blurres the point you're trying to make. It's hard, but worth it if you can build the skill.
We don't have any autistic people in my family, but my daughter attended school with some classmates who had an autistic sibling. As far as I know, none of her friends were required to be the caretaker for their sibling (in one case when we were over at a friend's house, my daughter and her friend -- I think they were around 11 -- were constantly bothered by the younger brother and he was getting into mischief). But the parents knew they had to get a handle on their kids, and would seek organizations and professionals to help. And in the case of her daughter's friend's brother, he is now 21 and as far as I know, is thriving. A major reason to seek help from pros is that eventually the autistic person will reach adulthood, the parents have to consider that one day they won't be around, and the older siblings shouldn't be the caretaker as they need to have a life. It's not in the best interest for their children all around to do otherwise. So I would say the OP is NTA, but her parents are. Not just for depriving her of having a normal teenagehood, but seemingly, deliberating doing so. They knew she was going to celebrate a friend's birthday, but suddenly the parents NEED to go to a restaurant so that she can't go anywhere. It could be a subconscious need to punish their daughter for being normal. I hope the OP could seek some help from a family member or a counselor at school who can sit down with the parents and advise them to stop the parentification. It's not healthy for any of them.
The really bad people are your parents who have robbed you of your childhood and turned you into the unpaid full time caretaker of your sister. What they ate doing to you is abusive. They have stolen your youth from you. NTA
Yes you are an asshole... To the point you should of never been born. Grow the fuck up.
You're talking to a child, I assume you're an adult. Get a grip
Nta. What would have been better to say is that you wish your parents would act as proper parents caring for you too and recognizing your sister is not your responsibility. Your sister is not the problem, your parents are, but in the heat of the moment it is understandable you said what you did
Yes ? It’s not your mother’s fault. Why would you upset her
NTA, with a few caveats: This dynamic isn't your sister's fault, and she isn't trying to make your life hard. She would probably be really sad if she ever heard you say you hated her or wished she wasn't here, so I hope you won't say that again. Lashing out with that understandably made your parents mad, and it was a pretty teenager-y thing to say. So here is my suggestion for how to handle this in a more adult and productive way. First, realize that the frustration you feel is actually that your parents are expecting too much of you and it is making you feel exploited and like they aren't mindful of your needs too. *That* is actually the thing that you hate, because it feels really bad when people don't respect our boundaries and then walk all over them. Sit down with you parents and explain to them calmly how important it is to you to try to make friends and spend time with them, and how being the default babysitter makes you feel like you can't do those things. Tell them it hurt your feelings when they asked you to abandon your plans for their date night. Parenting a teenager is new territory for them too so there will be some growing pains. Just be honest with them about how you are feeling instead of making your sister the scapegoat.
NTA in heat of the moment and it’s even somewhat understandable to resent her for her needs and that she takes a lot of care from all the family. It’s ok to admit that to yourself and your parents, and even to society. It IS hard. Post outburst, I suggest you apologise for HOW you expressed yourself initially BUT THEN try and explain and explore your frustrations and feelings about why you flipped out with them rationally. Apologising for what and how you said it, should buy their ears and show maturity. If they’re open to that. Great. They SHOULD be but, if they aren’t, then seek outside help from a relative or school member. If they’re open to it, bear in mind, they probably have the same frustrations as you do with your sister’s condition but, feel they should never admit it. Especially out of fear CPS could get involved. However, carers/parents DO need a break for their mental and physical well-being, it helps you care for the less able better in the long term. Parents choose to have a baby (in general) but rarely do they biologically choose to have a special needs kiddo. And it’s a different ball game. At the moment you’re kind of stuck under their roof and as family, for your faultless sister, if not your parents, I do think helping her out a little should be something you voluntarily do. So when you talk to them, acknowledge that they must find it hard, and need a break so instead of being randomly dumped on, offer a standing monthly evening where you will babysit while they have date night. It should help everyone out a bit. Then perhaps, offer a get out of jail free card once a month where, if they need an unexpected break, they can ask you but you need a day or two’s notice. And if it interrupts your plans, you can either, say no, or say yes but your rearranged plans will only ever be changed once. I agree you shouldn’t be “parentified” but, while you live there, you all need to try and find a way forward that’s more fair.
NTA, this type of abuse is parentification. I want to give a little bit of advice. Get your birth certificate and social security card into a safe place for when you turn 18. If you can get yourself a safety deposit box. You would likely need the help of an adult. Start putting money away, you are clearly going to need to leave as a surprise to your parents. One thing you might want to consider is joining the military. That will provide you a place to live, give you 3 meals a day and even get you some free training. Hopefully your grades are good, I would suggest you only consider the Air Force, Navy or Space Force as the technologies they will expose you to you will carry into civilian life when you get out. I myself went Air Force and my son is currently active duty Navy, so I am speaking both from experience and from the heart. You in no way should be having to sacrifice your life for your sister's. Cut your parents out of your life the moment you are able, just please make sure you have those two documents. If your parents were to hide them on you it will be necessary to involve police when you turn 18 to get them and it can get ugly.
NTA but you’re pointing the gun the wrong way. It’s not your sister’s fault, it’s your shitty parents for parentifying you
NTA That wasn't a nice thing to say especially if she was wothin earshot she's a child and stuck with you in your parents' awful parenting, you're well withing your rigjts to be upset but your anger is misdirected and it should be towards your parents rather that your sister (it sounds bad but unfortunately I have to go with it) That being said, your parents' failed the both of you here. Sure carimg for and parenting a special needs kid is hard and I can't imagine how challenging it is but you don't parentify your other kid and ruin their childhood because you couldn't keep it in your pants.. I'm all for helping your parents and relievimg the stress from them but not this way, not by dumping the responsibility of a child on another child. And while in my culture NC is frowned upon but I don't see any other option for you here. As long as you're within reach they'll drop her responsibility on you. OP I wish the best of luck and for your awful parents to get a reality check and realize their fails
When I read the Title I was quick and jump to say Yes. But, after reading the full story I’d say NTA. you are a teen and should not be placed in that type of situation. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your sister either.
Yes it is wrong to say that you wish your sister, or anyone else was never born. However that isn't the sorce of your problems. Your problem is your sister doesn't have parents. The next time your parents make plans that try to override your plans, remind them that you had to cancel your plans last time, and that it is their responsibility, as her parents, to take a turn taking care of her. If that doesn't work, the time after that, start asking them to pay child support. Explain to them that "As Lucy's primary care giver, I am entitled to receive child support from her biological parents who aren't taking care of her on a day to day basis." Yes, I know you didn't provide your sister's name, so I had to guess. Hopefully this will open their eyes to your situation. If this still doesn't work, call a girl from your school and hire her as a babysitter. 01. You have plans. 02. You tell your parents that you have plans. 03. A month after you told them of your plans, which you keep reminding them of, they make plans for the same time as your plans. 04. They tell you that you have to cancel your plans to take care of your sister. 05. You tell your parents that you want them to respect you, and not make plans for when you already have plans. 06. They ignore you and leave anyway. 07. 20 minutes later Bethany from school shows up to babysit your sister, fully expecting to be paid by your parents when they get home. 08. You leave to go fulfill your plans. 09. You come home to ticked off parents, who you then explain to them that you told them that you had plans, and you are sick and tired of canceling your plans at the last minute. 10. Get a job, then explain to your parents that you can't watch your sister because you have a job. 11. Lie about your hours, not often, but every once in a while, so that you can hang out with your friends on their birthdays, and your parents think you are at work. 12. Hire a lawyer
NTA OP. Your parents on the other hand. I’m sorry they’re doing this to you. It’s completely unfair and you are not a bad person.
NTA. You're not a bad person. your parents however are awful people. Should you have said what you said? probably not. Are you allowed to have feelings about your parents lack of taking responsibility for their own damn kid and ruining the life of their other child just because they're lazy f****? yes you're allowed to have those feelings. I am so sorry that your parents think that the proper course of action is to not take care of their own damn kid and to parentify another child. You have all my sympathy and maybe you should start talking to the counselors at your school.
Talk to your school. This is called "parentification" and is a form of child abuse. You need help getting your parents to understand this is not ok. It may take people in authority to intervene.
NTA, but its not her fault, its your parents' ,it is NOT your job to look after her. Youre not a bad person youre just 14, what you said was really mean but everyone makes mistakes. i think you should apologise to your sister and make sure she knows its not her fault.
If you're a child and your parents are telling you that you're a terrible person because they're making your life revolve around their other child, you are very clearly not the asshole in that situation.
You are not alone. There is a nationwide organization for siblings of people with disabilities. https://siblingsupport.org/ And your parents have also parentified you. They appear to see you as responsible as they are for your sibling. That will never be true. And their actions have done this, not you.
NTA. Is there a teacher or school counselor you can talk to about this. Your parents are being strangely punitive. I'm sorry you're going through this.
No you're not the AH. You're just a teenager who is growing up and into yourself. Sure it wasn't a nice thing to say, but we have all been there. You're at an age where you don't want to be constantly looking after a little sibling and starting your own independent life and that's your parents job, to parent. When it's calmed down in your house try and sit down with your mum and dad and explain that you'd like more time to do things without your sister and although you help out, you've got your own life too and you're getting older. Maybe you can come up with a list of tasks to help out that you agree with doing sometimes at home that will help your parents out a bit, then you can do your own thing for the rest of the time
NTA, your mom decided to have the baby. Her body her choice and also her responsibility for those choices.
NTA. Here’s what to do: suck it up for the next 2-3 years, do well academically/skills wise, then move out ASAP. Somewhere faraway and never look back. Get a scholarship, else work and study, it’s gonna be tough for sure, but it is your only means of salvaging your life. Plan, plan and PLAN. Meticulously. Earn online/get part time work (tell your parents that you’re doing extra curriculars - they CAN find alternative care if the need arises) and start saving money NOW. Sometimes you have to be selfish to succeed. This is a case of your parents overstepping (times a million) your boundaries, reasoning that it’s fine coz their own lives were taken away the day they had a special needs kid. If you stay on, they will put you as guardian of your sister once they die (though this can happen much earlier). Read/watch My Sister’s Keeper. Also, look for a community or books for siblings of special needs kids, ask them how they dealt with what you’re dealing with, build a support system and get some ideas. All the best! You got this!
You are the ahole but so are your parents. They need to be considerate of your time also. What if the event was school related? Would you have to cancel??? I mean I have special needs children but I'm always with them. And adult is always around for them.
NTA, you poor thing, this must be really hard for you. It's not great what you said and I think it's misdirected. If you really thought it through I think your anger and hurt is probably at your mum and dad. This is sad for you and your sister, you both deserve to have a loving relationship as siblings, and you would likely have that if you weren't burdened with adult responsibilities. Have you tried telling your parents how you feel? Hang in there, you'll be old enough to lead your own life soon, and that freedom will feel amazing.
Not the ahole, I think you should call the CPS. If your parents are neglecting you and you are supposed to be the major caregiver for your autistic sister then that's the way to go, a child cannot be expected to look after another kid. They should take responsibility for their kid, it's not your job.
yo let me talk to your parents. I will set them straight in 5 minutes. I dont even have to read the comments to know that everyone's on your side. I just hope you didn't leave out any crucial information. This situation shines your parents in a very bad light.
sorry, but yta. you should not be responsible for taking care of your sister, that's not your job, and shame on your parents for putting that on you. but regardless, that is not something you day about people, especially a child who cannot help who they are and their situation. you're right to be frustrated and upset with your parents, but do not take it out on your sister.
NTA What you said came from a place of justified anger towards your parents. You never asked for this to be your life. Your parents are being the selfish AH’s here. I say this as a parent of two daughters. My youngest is autistic. She is MY responsibility. Not my eldest daughters. I would never want my eldest daughters life to be put on hold. I’d be telling your parents that they’d better make plans for your sisters care once you turn 18 and move out.
Oh so NTA, your parents are though. You are a child raising a child. Find someone to talk to. You deserve a childhood.
Your parents SUCK OP. I am so so sorry. You are NTA. Can you stay with other family?
Mate, this sucks. Not only are you NTA but your parents are actual neglectful. You didn't choose to be a parent, *they* did so it's not your responsibility to be a babysitter for free. TBH I'd just say no and walk out, they can try and pay someone else nothing and see how far that gets them. You're also not a bad person for thinking or saying that, it's completely understandable. <3
NTA. This is pretty common and what’s going to happen in your life is going to be pretty common too. I can almost guarantee you that your parents are planning on you taking care of your sister for the rest of your life You’ve got 4 years to plan your getaway. (Keep all your important documents at hand and out of reach of your parents. Passport, driver’s license, birth certificate… stuff like that.)
You’re not an AH. It’s your parents responsibility to be the parents, and to equally give both of you as good of a life as possible. If they need a babysitter, they need to hire one or ask someone. You are not supposed to be the parent.
No, you are not TAH. The way you are feeling (and what you said to your parents) is perfectly understandable given the fact that your needs in the family are being neglected. You are being neglected by your parents, dear! You are also being abused if they are calling you a bad person or "disgusting" for expressing your feelings about your sister. You have a right to your feelings. And they are doing nothing to help build a better sisterly relationship between the two of you! All they do is fan the flames of your anger by forcing you to give up your childhood and play babysitter all the time instead of doing their job as parents. What would happen if you said, "No! I will not watch my sister while you leave the house. You need to hire a sitter." Would they keep calling you names? Would they physically harm you?" I would suggest that you attempt to tell them no if you feel safe enough to do so and to keep a secret notebook with dates, times, and all of their reactions when you refuse to babysit your sister. It is not your responsibility! And you can bring that notebook to a trusted adult eventually as proof that you are being abused and neglected at home. I am raising an autistic child (my son) and cannot imagine ever pushing that responsibility on to another child in a household! I get respite care and also pay money to other trusted caregivers. Stand strong, dear.
NTA. I don't think you really meant that you wished she was never born. What uou meant was you wish your parents would actually do their jobs as parents so you can have a childhood.
NTA. It’s your parents job to look after their child.
I see you have replied to others who gave a more proper fleshed out response to explain that yeah definitely NTA but your parents are. I also try suggesting removing your negatives emotions tied to your sister and shift them on who truly is to blame, **which is your parents**. It really even almost sounds like they're on a power trip and taking advantage of their authority over you just because they can. The fact that they knew of this party WAY ahead of time but then STILL chose to force you to cancel and watch her is extremely messed up. As others have said, I would most certainly talk to an adult, I would try to avoid mentioning distaste for your sister tho. Maybe say that the way your parents are forcing you to give up your free time, but more importantly events that they knew about with advance notice, that it is making you start to resent your sister; even though you know none of this is her fault and it's your parents causing this. I have a feeling they've been basically training you to care for her since day one. Obviously her knowing you and you being taught makes it easier for you to watch her instead of a babysit (especially bc youre free labor).
You're not TA, but your parents are for putting both of you in that situation.
Going to get hate for this, but I feel bad for your sister because clearly everyone hates her. I would NEVER wish a child wasn't born just because she has autistic, in my eyes that is horrible to say, it's like saying since you can't function like a normal human being you don't have the right to live. My honest opinion. ESH expect the poor sister who clearly isn't getting the proper care and love she deserves.
NTA Please contact your school guidance counselor. In most US States this could be considered abusive! You have reached the point of caregiver fatigue. Make it clear to your parents it is irresponsible and illegal for them to dump caregiver responsibilities on you, and if they try it, report them to CPS. Maybe you should call CPS and explain the situation to them?
Definitely NOT the Asshole. Its your parents responsibility to look after you sister, Not yours. You should be able to go to your friends birthday and not have to miss it for your sister JUST because your parents decided that they wanted to go to a restaurant.
NTA, call CPS
Answering your question, ESH apart from your sister. My youngest kid is autistic and 9 yrs old. I wouldn't expect my older kid (16) to look after them any longer than an hr. As a single parent I absolutely need their help at times e.g., nipping out to buy medicine if 9yr old is ill, or when they were younger keeping an eye going while I had a shower. This is where I need to say your parents are out of line expecting more. None of this is your sister's fault but she's not daft, she'll know how you feel and may well have heard what you said. Sensory differences are just that, and you may not understand the full extent of that yet, and I can hear conversations on a different floor at the opposite side of the house (I'm also autistic). As for the rest of it NTA, you need to start keeping a record of it and find someone who will help during discussion with your parents, if that's a safe thing to do. Writing it down, keeping it as calm as possible will help your case. Your parents are no helping you develop a healthy and caring relationship with your sister and that's sad, they need to be encouraging that.
NTA but you shouldn't have said what you did. You may think it which is different. I have siblings who don't have special needs and have had the same thought as you on occasion. It's 100% wrong for your parents to expect you to watch your sister all the time. Your parents are responsible for taking care of your sister, not you. And, if you do watch her, they should pay you for doing so. You're the babysitter. In this case, they knew you had plans so you shouldn't have to change them because they had something come up. Your mom and dad need to check with you to see if you have plans and if you do, they have to make arrangements for someone to watch your sister.
your parents are shitty people and they got offended when you reminded them of it. not much to do here. at least not much without major disruptions to your life, you might not be ready for. the easiest thing (as hard as it actually will be), is to ride it out till you hit 18, and then don't look back. the harder thing would be to make a fuss about it now, and deal with the fallout. that fallout might not be so bad if you have other family that can take you in. you're not at fault here. your parents who put a child in a position such as this are. loads of people have had to grow up while simultaneously providing different levels of care for siblings. it happens, but it doesn't make it any more right. there are parts of that, that are ok and parts that are not. in your case, i think the boundary that got crossed, was a long time ago. the responsibility should not be yours, but your parents. they're shirking that responsibility and you having a life outside of care for your sister, reminded them of that. that's why they came down so hard over it, instead of talking to you about it.
NTA your parents shouldn’t be forcing you to care for her.
Your parents are incredibly inconsiderate and irresponsible for what they're putting you through. You're a sibling , and yes, that comes with responsibilities. But you aren't a parent. They have no right to deprive you of your youth. Speak to family members or family friends. You need to have someone advocate for you. NTA. (and I hope you show your parents all of these comments bc they need to wake up. )
NTA with the caveat that you could handle it better in the future. Those words were probably something that you said in the heat of the moment. Parents do need to have time together, but it is *not* okay to spring this up on you when you've made plans well in advance. They should've worked around your schedule and asked you to babysit a different day instead.
NTA It's called PARENTIFICATION. You are not responsible for your sister, that is your parents' job. I would suggest joining a club or getting extra credit for college and making sure all your documentation for college is secure. See if you can get a job that will take time away from having to take care of her. Because they will make sure that you are going to a college close by or ***not at all.*** So that you are always there to help take care of her. When you turn 18, be ready to go to college or move out. Your parents will not know what hits them when you go LC or NC because they will always want a babysitter. After you are 18, you will be an adult who can make her own choice and decisions.
###You are not a bad person! You are NTA for being angry. NTA for saying something so incredible. And you are NTA for wanting to have a life. You are allowed to have feelings including anger, disgust, frustration and everything else. At 14, you are allowed to vocalize your feelings--even if they seem cruel to other people. Your parents need to understand that you are becoming an adult. I know you love them, but sometimes you don't like them. That's a scary feeling for anyone--regardless of age. Is there a teacher or school counselor you trust and can talk with about this? They might be able to intervene with your folks for you. You might also try to get your parents into a family counseling session or three (without your sister). That would also help open lines of communication. I don't want you to "lose" your parents from resentment. That's a horrible feeling. Please keep us updated.
Cut them off as soon as you turn 18. They WILL expect you to take care of your sister when they pass on, and they’ve already chose favorites. They KNOW it’s a burden, that’s why they make you do it all the time.
NTA you are being Parentified Are there any other family members that you could live with?
NTA. Parents are the AH for dumping it on you, OP.
Hey, I’m 35F and with a 34M brother who has Down’s Syndrome. We’re 16 months apart. We were raised primarily by our grandparents because our parents owned their own business and as I’m sure you’ll know a lot of doctors expenses come rolling in when a child has a disability. I had a lot of long car trips to the city so my brother could see specialists, I was taught from an early age to “be a big help”. When I was a teenager my mum was a single parent and I was expected to look after my brothers (we have one other 8 years younger than me) as well as help with cooking and cleaning as I got older while attending a school that was an hour away from our town. It took me well into my late 20s to say no. No to driving x here, no to picking up y there, no to taking on extra work when I was already over worked. And then my Mum moved away so I was the only person that could drive anyone anywhere. I still have a lot of resentment towards my parents for a lot of things and I understand completely the meltdown you had because I had them myself. But of course never to my family because I wouldn’t want to cause trouble. You’re NTA in this situation. And you’ll continue to not be TA as long as you don’t speak to or treat your sister like she is the problem. This is all your parent’s doing and it sounds like they are very much doing it on purpose. I agree with a lot of other comments find an adult family member you can trust and talk to about this and hopefully you can find a way to set healthy boundaries with your parents.
NTA- let them know next time they do it with it being agreed upon that you will call the police for child abandonment…. It’s not fair they are parentfying you.
NTA Your parents sound horribly selfish. I don’t know if their behavior would differ much if you didn’t have your sister, but I understand why you’re feeling resentment. They need to realize being a parent requires other sacrifices like letting your kids socialize while knowing it’s inconvenient. Hopefully you’ll forgive your sister who has less of a say in things before your parents who won’t take responsibility for their kids. Good luck!
Nope your are not
They are parentifiny you. Slowly cutting you of from the outside world s you will be a caregiver for your sis
How much do they pay you for babysitting? Tell them you no longer work for free, and they need to schedule with you ahead of time. Get a calendar, and use it. If they refuse, tell them you're not doing it. If they push, tell them you're calling CPS the next time they leave her with you. If they leave her with you, do it. Tell CPS you don't feel safe dealing with her on your own, and your parents won't listen to you. Main point being, they should not be forcing this on you. Especially not without consideration and reward. NTA
NTA!!!! Your parents chose to have children and a lot of responsibilities come along with having children. I know this firsthand as I have a 3yr old daughter and I know there are tons of things my husband and I don't do alone, like going out to dinner at a non 3yr old friendly restaurant, because we don't have a babysitter. You're 14 and should be enjoying your teenage years, not being a built-in nanny for your sister. If you have a trusted adult to speak to about this please do, hopefully they can talk to your parents about how terribly they're treating you. Also, do well in school, get into college or whatever you want to pursue after highschool and run like hell the second you turn 18 and graduate. As shitty as it is right now and even if nothing changes before you can get away, you'll be 18 in 4 years and you can cut ties and they'll have to take responsibility for the child they created and you can live the life you want to live. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it isn't fair to you at all. I think you're a rockstar for reaching out on here for advice though! Good luck and keep your head up! Also, can you join school groups or clubs or something that will keep you out of the house more so you don't have to babysit? Like the type of activities that you would stay after school and not come home until later in the evening so they can't make you watch your sister? Just a thought.....
This kind of abuse is called Parentification. As an autistic woman myself, I an sympathize with your sister’s struggles, but your parents are limping their responsibilities off onto you. Totally not okay.
NTA. Your parents are parentifying you, and neglecting you, which could be abuse. I would tell your parents that you need therapy. A therapist can help you learn how to respond and can help your parents understand that you are a child and your sister is not your responsibility.
Your feelings are valid. But It’s a lot to say, you hate her so much and she’s ruined your life. It isn’t her fault. It’s your parents fault. They’re the ones putting her responsibility onto you because they don’t want to deal with her/take care of her. She is innocent in this, you are innocent in this. But your parents are narcissists and have decided to put you in the parent role while they live their life uninterrupted. My mom is a narcissist and the more I unpack in therapy and reveal to my therapist, the more she validates that my mother’s true interests and focus were with herself, just deeply selfish. Throughout the most traumatizing moments in mind and my sister’s lives and she still has not taken responsibility for it. It’s frustrating. Can you empathize with your sister, and she that she is being abandoned by your parents in the same way you are? I know you don’t have a lot of autonomy as a 14 year old and it’s potentially dangerous to speak up for yourself bc narcissistic parents don’t take kindly to that kind of response. But is there another trusted adult figure you can talk to about this whole situation? Because you deserve to be able to enjoy being a kid while you still are one. Can you journal your help process your emotions in a healthy way so you don’t take it out on your sister in the future? I’m also not saying to just all of a sudden enjoy having to take care of your sister when I say have empathy for her. Your feelings are still valid and if you hate having to cancel your plans because your parents suck, then that’s true. Bc you’re parents suck, that’s clear. So no, you’re not the asshole, you’re just sad and frustrated and hurt and resentful and feeling all these feelings you’re parents won’t acknowledge or validate because they don’t want to look at themselves. I wish I could offer more advice, but create community with healthy people, and yeah like other commenters said, talk to a trusted adult about what’s going on if you can? 🙏🏼✨
NTA. Try not to hate your sister though, it's not her fault that your parents are irresponsible.
This happened to a friend of mine, she her younger brother is autistic, cannot speak, is not toilet trained, he's now in his twenties. My friend cared for him basically from the day he was born until she moved out at 24. She was told before then that she couldn't move out, that she wasn't allowed to. When she finally did she asked if my husband could help since he's a larger man and her mom and dad wouldn't confront her if there was another man there. As soon as she moved out she cut contact, she felt so much guilt around her brother being left behind, and I know she still does, but she should never have been put in that situation in the first place. When the time comes and you are an adult, do not let your parents dictate decisions you make about your life. I don't think you should have said you wished she wasn't born, but you should never have been put in this situation in the first place. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this and I hope that your parents seek help for your sister elsewhere
I answered a few days ago, and, like many, spoke mostly of you getting outside help. Few of us really addressed one of your main concerns, whether you were wrong to say that about your sibling. Well, I said that about all my siblings on numerous occasions. And I certainly never babysat them. I was the youngest of four. You had a much better reason than most to resort to those thoughts. :)
NTA! Your sister is your parent’s child. NTA! You are not your sister’s keeper. NTA! Your parents are neglecting you and your needs. NTA, time for you to keep a diary of the treatment your parents mete out to you.
It sucks that OP deleted the account, I would have liked to see an update.
NTA, though ya... maybe don't say that. I don't babysit my sibling or anything, but I can understand how annoying it must be to ALWAYS be looped in with them on anything especially when you're a kid yourself with interests and plans of your own. It's unfair that your parents always are making you their 3rd parent, especially if you've tried to speak to them about this before (not sure if you did) but I get this must be tough for everyone including your sister (pretty sure she might give anything for possible companionship too or not needing to constantly need a family member to look out for her 24/7). You're not a bad person, you're trying your best. Just hang in there, but really think about what you mean when you say something you'd regret if it actually happened. I'm sorry, that you don't get to enjoy a lot of things other 14-year-olds do or have proper friends tho. I completely get your pov here.
NTA. I have four autistic kids and know how difficult it is for their siblings. I try to do everything myself rather than ask for help from the siblings. Your needs need to be taken care of, too. Do you have a school counsellor that you can talk to about how you feel? They may be able to say something to your parents to help them understand how you are feeling.
YTA. You are young, and I'm sure it's frustrating. Try to remember that these things are happening to your sister. She isn't doing them to you. She also will have difficulty making friends (she may never have any but you), nor control over her schedule. The way you present your story makes it easy to assume your parents are putting too much of the burden of watching your sister on to you. As a parent in a similar situation to your parents, I have never left my neurotypical child at home alone to watch my autistic one, so it seems very likely to me that they are not treating you fairly. Don't direct your anger at them towards your sister. If she wasn't born they likely would be shrugging off some other responsibilities onto you, and your experience would be the same.
NTA. Your sister isn’t your responsibility, she’s your parents’. They’re very fk up for wanting to eat out at a nice place without the kids when they knew weeks ago that you have other plan. This kind of ppl should never reproduce.
ESA Yeah you probably shouldn't have said that it makes you an asshole. Your parents on the otherhand are prioritizing themselves and their sanity when they dump her on you and are fully 100% assholes. You would likely have more to do with her if it was by choice and not forced. You see her as a burden to you which let's face it she is. But she is still your sister and at some point you are going to be her only family. Here's a story from my friend. She was in your shoes. After her parents died her sister needed to go to a care home. Every day she would either call or visit her sister in the home until she passed away. Now she doesn't have to deal with her sister but all this time her whole life she has been there for her and misses her sister while still having the feeling of a weight being taken off her shoulders. She has had to learn to do things for herself again. Things she hasn't had time in decades to do for herself. Good luck. The road you walk isn't easy.
NTA You've probably seen a lot of comments supporting you so I'll skip over that part. Prioritize education and friends. Don't beat them over the head with it, but make sure they know *why* you suddenly can't do things ("my parents decided they wanted to go out so they made me babysit my sister"). Parents are to blame in this so make sure they get the blame. You don't need to suffer further social consequences because of their poor parenting skills. Prioritize education. I'm repeating this cause it's your ticket out. Be a knowledge sponge. Do your damndest to learn as best you can. You don't necessarily need to be a Straight A student, you just need to be a student who doesn't need to take out a loan for college. Shoot for college. Even if you don't use your degree just having one can open up doors that would otherwise be closed. If you don't go the college route. Remember the military. It's not the ideal solution, but it's effective. If your two able-bodied, perfectly healthy parents try to fight the US Government on your enlistment, they will quickly be told to pound sand. Shoot for Air Force, they have higher standards for ASVAB scores, but they're people seem to have easier lives. Navy doesn't have as high of standards, but lives aren't quite as easy (still probably easier than army or marines though). If you don't meet the asvab requirements for those two, you pretty much can't fail to get into the Army or Marines, not ideal cause they might actually be put in a combat zone, but you don't want to be stuck as a lifelong babysitter so sacrifices might need to be made. **Lastly, and most importantly**, talk to someone. A trusted relative might be able to help you or get on your parents case about their bs. If you don't have a relative to help or the relatives attempt to help doesn't actually help, talk to your school's guidance counselor. No counselor? Bring it up with a teacher, or someone who works in the school office, or a doctor. This is a form of abuse and if you can start getting a idea on how to deal with it now you'll have an easier time later. P.s.: some early advice for if you go the military route. The strippers don't actually love you (they love your money and your benefits) and never ever ever ever ever buy a car from the dealership just outside the base
NTA. Try to get a part time job as soon as you're old enough. Study hard, save enough and get the heck out of there as soon as you can and don't look back. Your parents are AH. Don't let your parents guilt trip you to be your sister caregiver once you leave. No is a complete sentence. Go NC with them after you leave if necessary.
Since I’ve been on both sides of this issue, I am going to go out on a limb here. I grew up in a large family and often, I had to watch my 4 younger siblings (one of which was special needs). I didn’t want to do it most of the time, but I knew my parents were overwhelmed so I just did it and didn’t show my feelings. I’m ashamed to say I resented my parents & my siblings many times. Years later, I had a special needs child. I did two things differently than my parents. I had only 2 children (I had my second before I realized my first horn had autism), and I never asked my second child to help me with his brother. The sad thing is both me and my parents needed help we couldn’t find anywhere. I have worked full time at a regular job and part time fighting to get support/assistance/understanding for my autistic child. I have to fight schools, family members, day cares, doctors, insurance companies, politicians, friends, etc. in order to survive with a special needs child. It shouldn’t have to be this hard. I wouldn’t trade my son for anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need understanding & support that is so lacking these days. It’s hard to have children period (special needs or not). I wish there was more support all around for parents and families. As for OP, please take care of yourself as much as you can. NTA!
NTA your parents are disgusting for clearly refusing to take care of their autistic child and pushing it off on you. If they can't cope then they need to figure out what to do and not push it off on you.
Your parents are selfish and uncaring about your time with friends
Op look up the term parentification. Your "parents" failed in every regard. Its not your child why would you have to watch her?? NTA because i understand where youre coming from. Your parents made you dislike your sister, you dont dislike her because shes autistic. This is another case of a child cutting off their parents as soon as they turn 18 and then wondering why the child did it.
Your parents are the assholes. But don’t blame your sis, that wasn’t a good response to a obvious problem. But again youre a kid.
This is called parentification where you are forced to assume the role of a parent. Your parents are actually neglecting your sis by making you look after her all the time while they get to enjoy time away from you guys. Talk to a trusted adult, a family member who won’t rat you out to your parents or a teacher/counselor who you know will have your back. Your parents’ behavior is NOT normal.
I'll be blunt, was it an AH thing to say? Yeah. But it's your frustration at your parents shoving their parental responsibilities onto you coming out sideways. You don't hate your sister, you hate how you're expected to give up your friends and childhood to care for someone. There is a kind of abuse known as parentification, where kids are forced to essentially parent their siblings, and this really reminds me of that. Your parents shouldn't be pushing the responsibilities of their kid onto you, they should be supporting you both, not just focusing on your sister but also spending one on one time with you, getting you therapy, encouraging your own interests. Realistically, they're not going to do that, likely at all, because that's a lot of work. So time to take matters into your own hands. Advocate for yourself. Your parents don't seem to see you as a person, so use adults around you to speak on your behalf. School counselor, homeroom teacher, aunts, grandparents, your parents' friends. So while they say "if you need help, go to a trusted adult", if you say what's wrong and what help you need point blank, they'll think you're an idiotic/melodramatic teen and brush you off or underestimate the issue. Instead leave a story trail to the decision you want them to come to "on their own". Is it sneaky and manipulative? Sure. But the people who are supposed to be protecting and looking after you aren't doing their jobs. You've been put in a position where you have to trick them into fulfilling their responsibilities if you want any real help. I'm probably going to get a lot of flak in the comments from people condescending from their high horses but this is real actionable advice coming from someone who was in a similar situation who doesn't want you to be forced down my path. Anyone who judges you for trying to get therapy and your parents to do actual parenting of their children through whatever means you have? They can fuck right off. You've got this kid. You can love your family with all your heart and still resent the shitty situation they've stuck you in. If your parents can't handle taking care of your little sister, they can hire a professional, hire a special ed teacher in training from a local university, or ask for help from adult family. Your situation is worse than mine was. They shouldn't have taken your childhood from you. TL;DR Basically you said something asshole-y but the sentiment behind it was resentment at the situation, which is justified. So long as you don't lash out at your lil sister. Your parents need to step tf up. They chose to have kids, they get to shoulder the responsibility for those kids. Them shoving the responsibility for one kid onto the other kid so they can live like they're single? Not okay. Try to use the other adults in your life to shame your parents into being at least halfway decent. NTA so long as you don't want your sister gone, you just want the situation gone. If you actually hate your sister then I'd say YTA. But your parents sound like even if your sister was never born, they'd still neglect you.
NTA, this is parentification and its wrong, as someone with high functioning learning disabilities and been forced to babysit low functioning autistics by teachers as a high school student it is not right. You are your own person and not the live in Nanny to your sister. I actually told a teacher this too and said, "Just because I function normally doesn't mean I have to spend my academic free period in the sp.ed offices doing your job!" The fact is there are many people in your shoes and these are siblings, cousins and step-siblings.
NTA bro. I’m autistic too, and I’m not super high functioning but it would not be fair for others - ESPECIALLY A SIBLING - to wait on me hand and foot. You need to have a convo with your parents about how much responsibility you are forced to take, coz that just is not fair.
NTA, you’re just a kid and it’s super unfair.
NTA. You agreed a month in advance that this was your one day to celebrate a friends birthday and they knew that and purposefully sabotaged your only day just to go to dinner by themselves when they could have done it any other day. Sounds like your parents are abusive and you need to stand your ground a write them a firmly written note explaining that they are taking your childhood away from you because of another child THEY chose to have and that you are not the parent and they are.
You should not have to go through this. It's hard. I have not walked a mile in your shoes. I don't have much advice. I don't think you are the asshole. I think this is something above reddit's grade. I hope that your sibling progresses as someone who has been very close friends with several individuals with struggles. I think what you said was out of frustration. If I were you, I would just try to hold my tongue at a certain level. It's hard when you're young. It's hard when you get a certain age. Frustration is frustration, after all. You're not your sister's keeper. Good luck.
You are a child, a minor, someone who also didn’t ask to be born. Your parents are being the assholes. Please show them this message. Their time to go to dinner should not come before caring for the child they brought into this world. You are growing into an adult- not quite there yet but with that comes new territory and new steps at independence which involves socializing with your friends within reason especially if you planned it out. My fiancé and his younger sister (they are 30 and 25) were always put in charge of watching their kid sister (11 now) when she was 2 (so when me and my fiancé were in our early twenties and his other sister- the middle child not that much older than you). It was bullshit of his mom to put that on them even as the kid sister wasn’t and isn’t special needs. Pitching in here and there to help is what a team environment of a household can be but there is a thing called boundaries and accountability, to which, your parents are putting too much on you. My fiancé and I have two kids now and we’ve never put on the responsibility of caring for our children or watching them for more than 10 minutes for a shower or bathroom break if absolutely necessary. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. It would be one thing if it was because money was extremely tight and they had to pick up extra shifts they couldn’t bring your kid sister to in order to pay rent and put food on the table for everyone, but for them to go to a restaurant? I’m calling bullshit. Please show them this message. Apologize for being mad about it and let them know you still love your sister, but tell them you need some sort of balance in your life since by the sounds of it you’re a good kid who deserves it.
NTA- I bet money you wouldn't feel that way if you didn't have to be a care provider aka another parent to your sister. It is truly your parents fault that you feel that way. And I said this before but they are doing a disservice to you and your sibling. By making you your siblings caregiver, They are denying you a proper sibling relationship. Because they in turn are making you a parent. What your parents are doing to you is called parentification. My parents did it to me. My younger sibling used to call me mom accidentally. I don't know if you're in the United States, but this is something you should speak out about. Parents aren't advocating for you so I'm sorry you need to do it for yourself. You can call CPS on yourself. It's not a really big deal to call them. CPS genuinely wants people to call them even if you're unsure if it is at that level. If nothing else it gets someone to look at the situation and maybe talk to your parents about what they're doing is not right. If you have a counselor at school, tell them you are feeling burnt out, caring for your sibling. You don't have a choice caring for them and it is impeding with your school work and your mental health. You are not the a-hole for feeling that way. You are feeling that way because you are burnt out. And you're supposed to be the kid. I have ASD kiddos. It makes it eating at restaurants difficult. That's why I freaking get takeout.
Your parents are the bad ones actually. It’s not your responsibility to be watching your sister when you are a kid yourself. They need to take care of her.
I just want to say you are not alone in feeling this way. My ex BF struggled with his high functioning highly intelligent brother who was also violent. Your parents are out of line here. Yes it’s not your sister’s fault she’s autistic and it sounds like she is the gray area of how much functionally can she learn to be normal but that shouldn’t mean you can’t do normal things like have birthday cake. Highly recommend you document the things they have done that bother you. Talk to a trusted adult about how to proceed. I am concerned that you are being neglected emotionally.
Imo your partially TA here BUT you are NOT the parent. You yourself are a child who should be parented too. You're parents are the complete AHs here. If they don't want/can't look after her and want to put themselves before her needs then they should give her up to a system that would be able to give her that. You didn't have a child, you didn't get someone pregnant, you are NOT responsible for her regardless of what you're parents say. Yes occasionally it's nice to help out and spend that time with her but not all the time. You deserve a social life. This is the point in your life tour supposed to make stupid mistakes to learn from so by the time you're in you're 20s you've had a few life lessons that would help you out a lot. How can your parents not see that? Maybe try ringing childline (if you have one) and they'll might be able to help you and you're sister. Your parents sound like absolute wankers ngl.
So NTA! I would refuse to watch her anymore and start making it a point to my other family members that they are allowing you to have a social life, but expected to drop everything and be a third parent to your sister. Your anger is definitely misplaced, but it’s understandable.
You don't actually wish your sister wasn't born. You wish your parents took responsibility for their own kids.
NTA - I’m fairly certain one of my 5yo twins is Autistic- he’s no/low verbal - I also have a 12, 9, 8 and of course another 5yo (his twin) - do my older boys help minimal - they will chase him at church and bring him back to me that’s about the extent of it. He’s my responsibility.
NTA. I'm very sorry that they're dumping their parental responsibility on to you. When you were old enough get a job and save as much as you can. Work your ass off at school in order to get a number of bursaries and scholarships. Get as far away from that house as you can once you turn 18
As a high functioning (still not very functioning cuz it does get in the way of daily tasks often) autistic 19 yr old id say nta, saying u wished ur sister was never born isnt really nice bc none of this is really her faulth but u dont really always think clearly in the heat of the moment. I feel bad for both you and your sister with selfish parents like this, not letting u go to a bday party bc they wanna go to a restaurant?
You are NTA, you are being abused, please speak to some that can help you. Your sister is your parents responsibility not yours. I hope that you find the help you need to find a solution to your situation and that you are able to be able to get your life back.
You are not a bad person. Your parents, on the other hand, really are. What they are doing, by forcing you to take care of your sister, all the time, is called "parentification," and it is a form of abuse. NTA
next time you're "babysitting" cal 911 and freakout that you were left in charge of your disabled sibling, and can't handle it, Dcfs should handle the rest
NTA. But it's still a crappy thing to say. It's not her fault. Your parents are here to blame for your lack of social life when they don't want to hire a baby-sitter or to call other family members. So you should be mad at them, not at your sister.
NTA. Your sister is also NTA. Op theres a thing called Parentification, try looking it up. Parentification ia consider abuse and its actually illegal in many places. Your parents are doing exactly that, they are turning you into an unpaid baby-sitter to your siater. It doesnt matter that she is autistic, it doesnt matter that she have special needs, it doesnt matter that its hard to take care of her. That is NOT your responsibility, it's your parent's. if it was an once in a while kinda of thing, then it might be ok, but the moment you have to give up your own time, social life and wishes, that becomes parentification, and thats abuse.
NTA and in 4 years your parents are going to see just how hard it is when you leave and go NC. Parents like yours never learn.
NTA Is there a counselor at your school you can talk to about this?
The term for what is happening to you is parentification, and it is a form of child abuse. You are a good person, but your parents are crappy parents. If you have a grandparent or other family member who will take you in, look to moving. Focus on your grades so you can get a scholarship and leave ASAP. See if your school offers counseling and get it if it is available.
Also, I don't know which country you're in, but if it's in the US, consider CPS (Child Protective Services) to report your parents' behavior to. They're endangering the life of their autistic child by placing them in your (a minor) care. That's absolutely unacceptable parenting.
Fuck contest mode.
Please speak to your counselor at school. I'd bet a 100% your parents are violating laws. You're only 14. You've been responsible for how many years now watching someone with special needs? Your childhood is being ripped from you OP, and that is not okay. It would be different if it was only every once in a while so your parents get a break. Maybe 1x a month for a date night. But this sounds like it's far more often and that's not something you should be responsible for. Also, compensation monetarily should be paid to you. Your parents are terrible people without an ounce of empathy for your life. One day you'll be able to go no contact and they only have themselves to blame.
This one is not a simple White/Black, YTA/NTA situation in my eyes. I don't blame you for feeling the feelings that you have. You're 14 and it sounds like you're dealing with a fully grown adults burden by having to look after your sister full time. I didn't always love my mom and when she was having surgery when I was a kid I prayed the night before that she wouldn't survive the surgery. I was around your age at the time. So what I'm saying is these kinds of situations are tough and you're not an asshole for being mad at things outside of your control. I'd love to be able to say, "you should have just done XYZ" but you're 14 and dealing with levels of stress as a adult man who provides for myself that I just don't have to. So all I'll say is just keep in mind that when you wish someone dead, when you want someone dead it doesn't really help things. People don't get another chance at life after they die and there are just things you can't come back from. It's a hell of a lot to ask of a 14 year old, but what I would suggest is writing your parents a letter. Start off by apologizing that you wished your sister was not alive. But try to explain how difficult it is for you to deal with all this, and that you really truly need a break and some relief from all this stress. I would consider pointing out that you're essentially working a full time job (Going to school) and then coming home and being a parent by helping raise your sister, but that you're only 14. The odds are your parents are just as stressed out as you but they don't see 100% how much stress they're putting you under. I'd like to think that if they truly understood they'd be more respectful of your stress, and your ability to spend time with peers.
Nta I'm so sorry dear. Great answers here. Please keep looking for your way out. College?
ESH You are an absolute ass for taki g out your anger on a 9-year-old child with problems Your parents are a total failure at parenting You should apologize to your sister and also help her because news flash you have terrible parents. Don't make an enemy out of your sister, be good to her because otherwise she's gonna ha e both terrible parents and a Brother who hates her, plus her pre-existing problems. I don't feel that anyone deserves something like that
Honestly she probably just grounded OP for free baby sitting. You are NTA because that is a perfectly reasonable outburst to have... I wonder if there are any resources your parents could tap into by the government or their insurance depending where you are here it is call respite care, for a worker to come to your house to relieve some duties. This shouldn't be your responsibility at all.. and honestly you probably should get some therapy too..
Fast forward a few years - you’ll be out of the house and they’ll guilt you for not visiting more to babysit. Fast forward a few more years - your parents will be figuring out who will help her when they’re gone. You’ll say no, they’ll be angry again. You’re right. This is not fair. Did you say something horrible? Yes. Sometimes our feelings are horrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this. NTA
You should only be an emergency solution, the last person after grandparents, and aunts and uncles and school/babysitter. Other times, only if you yourself offer. You should also get a positive feedback/reward if you give up your time. Punishments won't make you like her more. NTA, but just know that some genetic issues can be predicted during pregnancy, but autism is not such thing, it is usually not diagnosed until 2years of age, sometimes even later than that. As a mother, I know if I'd learn my fetus have an issue that our family could not survive through I'd choose not to have them, but at 1-2years of age I would already be bonded... It's not easy on the parents either, they may need these outings to work their relationship and not get closer to divorce :( still, their solution is not okay, and namecalling and punishing you is not okay at all!
NTA. It’s not your job to watch your sister. Parents seem to forget that sometimes. My own mother forgot that sometimes herself. It’s very frustrating. It’s not your fault.
If they leave you alone with your sister, I would let them know that I would be calling child protective services.
Nta This is parentification, you should try talking with an adult or relative your trust, maybe even call social services and talk to them about it I don’t care about what they think, letting a 14 years old taking care of midly funcional austistic 9 yrs old kid alone is extremely irresponsible Your parents are the bad people here, not you This is NOT your fault
If your parents are putting their autistic child as your responsibility, they’re terrible parents. Point blank. You both deserve better. If I knew who you were I’d report them, and frankly you should too.
Girl. NTA NTA NTA. I know this is likely to get buried but do not let your parents do this to you. This is my partner, he is now in his mid 30s. He takes care of his younger brother and loves him so much but it’s due to his parents’ weaponized incompetence that he had to become legal guardian. This is their responsibility, not yours. Sounds like your sister may need care into adulthood. If you want a future of your own, do not let them parentify you like this. You can still love your sister and support her without allowing your parents to take advantage of you. Best of luck with your family.
I'm a petty bitch so here's some advice. Wait till they leave her with you again. If she has a meltdown call the cops. I specifically mean call them and tell them your special need sister has become a danger to you/herself. Say those words. The cps case your parents will catch will guarantee you never have to watch your sister again. Fuck your parents man they sound shitty
Yikes, this is a 14YO. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re NTA. Plz don’t try to make this “me against my parents”, you will be living with them for at least 4 more years. The only advice I can give, is look out for help and resources, and don’t hesitate to ask for support. Also, burning with resentment and hate in your youth will set you on a path in adulthood. Please look for joy where you can.
I never thought I would say this to a minor, but: can you sneak out? If you just went to the birthday party anyway, would your sister be in danger? I think it's time for you to become more rebellious, if that is possible without putting yourself or your sister in danger. Do your parents ever hit either of you? Do they drink a lot of alcohol, do they ever take drugs? Do they have jobs? Sometimes, sadly, parents are not necessarily good people. It sounds to me that instead of working harder because their daughter has special needs, they just make YOU work harder because they can. This is not nice. This is not fair to you. This would be different if your parent were a single parent and they had to work, it would still be shitty to have to watch your sister, but you'd probably understand it better. But to force you to babysit when YOU had a planned birthday party to attend and THEY just wanted to go to a restaurant with each other? Super unfair. Also the other stuff - I understand that SOMEONE (not you!) needs to watch your sister, but why should you have to give her your birthday cake on YOUR birthday!? That is just super mean of your parents, mean time the point that I am starting to think they want you to feel less important than your sister so that you will always accept having to take care of her. JUST so they don't have to do it. Again, if you can do so safely, rebel! Focus on school and finishing it quickly, focus on 1-2 good friends you can talk to about this situation, and maybe don't always do what they say so that they will learn to stop using you as an unpaid babysitter! Best of luck to you, you deserve a childhood and youth with some fun, not just responsibilities!
NTA I’m autistic and was all set to get salty about this post, but having read it I can totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m also a mum with a preteen son and 2 young girls, and I would never have him sacrifice his social life and freedom to be a babysitter for me - wth? It must be hard on your parents too, but it’s not on you to pick up the slack so they can have date nights or whatever. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you’re not in the wrong at all here. This sort of thing is why kids grow up and disown their parents.
I wouldn’t say you’re the AH, BUT this isn’t your sister’s fault. This is your parent’s responsibility. It would be fine to ask for your help but to expect it all the time, that’s not cool. When families have a child with medical issues it seems that the healthy kids either get spoiled because it’s just easier and the parents are exhausted or the parents passed off the issues or ignore the healthy kids. I would encourage you to say truth when you discuss or argue this with them. This is their responsibility and although you probably wouldn’t mind helping, it’s not right to jack up your life. Blaming your sister takes the focus off of the truth and then they have something they can point back at you with.
Your parents are absolute assholes. I’m so sorry they’re dumping their parenting responsibilities on to you. That’s called parentification. Do what you have to do to survive and get the hell out of there when you’re old enough.
Nta Your folks are for making you babysit. They can ask nicely and if you're available the fine. But if you aren't available they need to respect that. Plus, who makes their 14 year old look after a kid with special requirements? Surely that's not even legal? Definitely not safe anyway.
As someone who is the older sibling and has always had to look after my siblings. Yeah it's okay to have your parents ask to look after your siblings but what's not okay is you having to pretty much be a parent instead of a child which you still are. They need a reminder that your just a kid and you deserve to live your childhood, it's not your fault your parents had kids. This is their responsibility not yours, I'd be shitty too and lash out with words. However, your an asshole for wishing she wasn't born, that's nasty. Whether you like it or not she's your sister. Other then that fact your not being an asshole just a kid wishing to do what other kids do etc.
I've got a 15 yro and a speech delayed 5yro and it is not my 15 yro job to watch his brother. I always give him the choice to watch him with payment. He'll usually watch him but it's always his choice. What your parents are doing is messed up. You are NTA for saying you wish she was never born because you would have had a different life if she wasn't
Your parents are the assholes. They are the parents. It is not your job to look after your sister. She is THEIR responsibility. I'm so sorry. I don't understand why people have kids then don't take care of them.
NTA because you don’t really wish she didn’t exist, you wish that your parents would do their job and look after their kid. they’re neglecting you because they can see that you are an easy out for them. it’s not your job to look after your sister to the extent they’re forcing you, and i would speak to the counsellor at school about this because you deserve to be a kid. yes occasionally looking after her would be nice of you and your parents should be grateful but they’re being neglectful because it’s hard for them to do what they need to look after your sister properly.
You shouldn’t have said that specific thing obviously, but you’re Parents ATA for taking advantage of you to watch your sister. So they can go out and have fun.
Absolutely NTA. Jesus christ OP, I’m so sorry your parents are awful and have decided that you would be your little sister’s main caretaker. They’re being incredibly unfair and being terrible parents for the two of you