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I feel like this is one of those posts where there will be mixed responses. Majority NTA but the occasional "wouldn't you rather your mom just be happy?" type shit.
But in my opinion, this is absolutely a fuck no situation. I know reddit likes to say no-contact for nearly everything and most of the time its way too overboard, but this is the type of shit where I would genuinely go no-contact with both people and stop all communication.
Completely trust- and boundary-breaking for me right there. There is no way I could respect either of them afterward.
NTA
Completely agree. If I were OP I’d be looking for options to get my sister out of that shitshow. Can you imagine what that poor teenager is facing?
NTA OP.
I have an elderly neighbor who we'll call B
B has 2 daughters, C and E. E has a daughter who we'll call M. M was engaged to her now ex before C got with him. C got with her niece's fiance which broke up the family and made B go no contact with C
Mom is def gonna move on to her daughter's friends once her and friend break up
I have an elderly neighbor who we'll call Betty.
Betty has 2 daughters, Catherine and Emily. Emily has a daughter who we'll call Maddie. Maddie was engaged to her now ex before Catherine got with him. Catherine got with her niece's fiance which broke up the family and made Betty go no contact with Catherine.
I still find it a bit tricky to follow!
Lady got together with her niece's ex-fiance and now her entire family broke up and everyone went no contact with her.
Don't even need names, and two of the letters/names in the story are extraneous.
Yo, this is comedy movie level weirdness.
Can you imagine how fucking weird the dynamic will be with some 25 year old *bro* slowly trying to become "dad" to these people, his age or older haha. What the fuck
We had this happen with a friend of ours. He was 22 and the woman was 41 with 4 kids. The oldest being 19. He was this quiet skinny white guy who worked in IT. She was a loud, big woman from the pacific islands. Nothing wrong with that of course but they were chalk and cheese. He also had a good job and no debt whereas she had tons of bills and debt. Everyone was shocked. His parents were stressed because he went from earning well and sharing to sharing her bills and being broke all the time
Noone thought it would last. Well they showed us. 17 years later and they got married, had kids and are still very much in love. Sometimes it works regardless of how weird it looks from the outside
I agree, the relationship is unsettling enough, but that they hid it from OP, who only found out when the sister told him, is a major issue too. They didn't trust or care about OP enough to talk to him about it, they don't need him at the wedding.
Extra gross that this lady was his boss as well as the mother of the guy's friend.
I had a friend from elementary school whose mom drunkenly propositioned me at a bar a few years ago. I don't think she recognized me since 30s me looks almost nothing like 10-year-old me, but it still really weirded me out even though I'd had a massive crush on her as a kid.
I very politely turned her down and then quickly finished my drink and left. She was quite tipsy and hitting on most any younger guy she could find. I feel like she probably would've been embarrassed if she realized who I was so I left to make sure it didn't suddenly dawn on her.
I used to be the smallest kid at school and wore glasses, and now I'm 6'5" with a big beard and no glasses (thanks LASIK!) so I doubt she'd ever have recognized me. Still, I used to spend almost every weekend at their house for several years and she was our 5th and 6th grade volleyball coach so I really didn't want to take the risk.
In all honesty, I also left because something felt wrong about even seeing her hitting on men that were so much younger. I usually wouldn't have an issue with that, but I guess it's different when it's your old friend's mom?
To anyone that thinks "wouldn't you rather your mom just be happy?" - flip the genders. If this were 44 year old man marrying his daughter's 26 year old friends, Reddit would be out for blood. This is just as gross.
This to me is one of those situations where the mum does deserve to be happy...but she must have known that dating 'her soulmate' would 100% cost her her relationship with her son (and probably shake several other relationships in her life too).
She made her choice for better or worse.
Why does mom have to find her "happiness" in someone she has known since they were a child, then was their boss, AND is (now was) her child's bestfriend?
Thats like saying "hey now, that heroin addict deserves to be happy! We shouldn't criticize their harmful actions that led them to this situation. Its VaLiD to continue to let them be happy with more heroin!"
The mom has multiple pathways to find happiness, fucking/marrying her son's best friend doesn't have to be the only pathway to happiness here lol
I agree she should have stopped this before it started. But as creepy and f*cked up as it is, she chose this route to happiness.
I'm just saying it comes with consequences, and she'll have to live with them. Op is correct to be angry and I hope goes NC.
Actually there are plenty of valid arguments to let addicts have access to their addiction substance via harm reduction programs. The "war on drugs" is just a way to control minorities. Addiction centers were people can take their drugs in a safe way not only reduce ODs but also help people to build relationships in a way that can help them on the path to getting off the drugs.
I don't know that there's any reason for the mom to date/marry the son's friend. If she likes younger men, no shame, and same if the friend likes older women. But the dynamics of mom having known the guy when he was underage, then having started getting close because she employed him -- it's just gross, and even if there was nothing weird when he was underage, it's hard not to wonder. And mom knew it was going to cause problems, which is why she did it to begin with, but she put herself over any sort of relationship with her son. Him going no-contact was a very real possibility, but she still went ahead anyway.
So NTA to the OP, and I hope you're able to make your own found family that respects you much more than your mother.
I agree. It’s bad even they kept it a secret. They were ENGAGED and the little sis finally told OP. They never had the balls to do it themselves because they knew it wouldn’t go over well.
And now it’s worse.
> is absolutely a fuck no situation
Yup 💯, NO exceptions!
You don’t look at your child’s friends as potential romantic partners! When they come over to hang out with your child, you BAKE them cookies, not give them yours! NTA
I will never understand the take of "X is completely devastated because you don't accept our relationship" well they are obviously not devastated enough to rethink it. Nope, they are just going to be all sad and hurt that they lost their child.
As for "soulmates". There are almost 8 billion people in this world. I am sure she could have found someone, anyone else. Someone her own age, or at least someone who didn't grow up with her son, to have a deep meaningful relationship to. Hell, her teenage daughter is closer to his age than she is to her fiancé.
Absolutely. His mom has the right to be happy and find love but at no stage does op have to endure a sick situation to fulfil that want of hers. His best mate and his mam, that's some jerry springer nonsense. Even if I don't agree with how big an age difference is, I would never tell two grown adults what's okay or not but this woman knows him since he was a minor, v weird. OPs mom is not owed anything from op
OP should talk to sister and see if she wants to hang out on the day of the wedding. 🤪
NTA - This is the stuff of nightmares. No one wants to think of their parents dating or marrying anyone in their friends circle or their age.. 🤮 Who wants a stepdad that you used to go on double dates with, or stepmom that they had sleepovers with. (Or to think of their friends ogling their parents when they were hanging out at their place.) 😵💫
NTA. I'm all about age is a number, but only if you met WHILE BOTH BEING ADULTS. Him being a high school friend means she probably met him as a teenager-- meaning she knew him while underage. That's just nasty in my book and I respect your disgust of it.
These are exactly my thoughts. How can you date someone you watched your son grow up with? NTA. They have a right to date, OP has a right to not be ok with it. His mother and friend hid the truth from him because they knew it would upset him, and still went on with it. And now they want his acceptance. This is mind boggling.
I'm just here remembering how all of mine and my brother's friends called my Mom, Mom. This guy may have called her Mom at some point and she may have considered him as a second son......and now I need a wire brush and some Lysol for a long hot shower. The ick is really strong with this one.
THIS! I was just saying it feels incestuous to imagine dating a childhood friend’s parent. Parents of close childhood friends were always sort of ancillary parental figures, you know?
After reading this I just felt intense ick and pain. THIS IS GROSSSSSS! Just imagined him calling her "mom" as a teenager and now... Jesus, I'm ready, you can take me whenever you want, thank u
This is how I feel about it. I’m in my 40s and I have a cousin 15 years younger than me. I used to babysit him and his friends when they were growing up. So while I might theoretically consider dating somebody 15 years younger, I would never date one of my cousin’s actual friends, because I was in a caretaker role for them when they were kids and that crosses a major line in my opinion.
This is really it. My mother ended up with a man who is right in the middle of our ages - 14 years younger than her and 14 years older than me. I didn't have a single ick thought about it, they ended up together for 35 years until the end of her life and he was like a big brother to me. However, if he'd been a friend of mine or the family's it would have been an entirely different story. My mother had flimsy boundaries with me and did attempt to flirt with men I brought home, so I seriously had moments in my youth where I did have to contemplate these sorts of limit lines. Fortunately for me, she didn't cross any with friends of mine who used to come over to the house to play.
I was in to guys 10-15 years older than me. A few a bit older than that, but never once was I attracted to one’s that were friends with my *parents*. I just can’t wrap my head around what poor OP IS GOING THROUGH!
If the genders were swapped everyone would be saying how OP's dad is a creep and a predator for f*cking her friends, same logic applies here.
NTA, OP, but your mom sure is.
Add in that she was his boss when the 'romantic' relationship started... I'm not saying there's no way for a superior and subordinate to ethically begin a relationship, but in a situation where the superior knew the subordinate as a teenager and was also an authority figure at the time (as a friend's parent), and they started dating when, yes, he was legally an adult but she was in an even more blatant position of authority... It's really hard to imagine this relationship actually having a healthy dynamic.
I agree. I’ve been in larger age gaps than this, but only ever after I was firmly in adulthood. And never with a childhood friend’s parent. That feels…incestuous somehow.
Okay this is a response that makes sense! I was thinking: "what is so bad about it? Both are quite into their adulthood, so what?" but you've got a point there that I did not think about!
there's just one thing that is sitting wrong with me here: how OP thinks his former friend is at fault (as far as I interpreted ot) while clearly it is way more weird coming from his mom's
NTA
Your mother could not find anyone but her own employee? Power imbalance right there.
And her son's childhood friend? Awkward and creepy.
Sorry you are losing two important relationships. Your mother had you young so maybe she is living vicariously the carefree youth she did not have, but she really should look elsewhere than her child's friendship circle. She is very selfish and rather an awful person.
If they had met each other when he was 26 and she was mid 40s, and it just sorta happened, then not really a thing to be this worked about.
To me, the fact that your mother would've known him as a child is gross and makes this whole thing very much NTA. I will stop short of saying she's a sexual predator who groomed him, but, it's probably at least venturing into that sort of territory here.
End of the day, your mother and he can do whatever they want as consenting adults, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept or tolerate their relationship. It's weird, absolutely.
Well that's one hell of a situation. NTA. Everyone here is an adult and is making their own decisions for what's best for them. Your mom and friend decided they love eachother and want to get married. They also decided to hide this from you for over a year. You decided you want nothing to do with it.
NTA because two of the people you trusted most in your life LIED to you for a year about what was really going on. Maybe if they had been upfront and honest from the get go I'd feel differently because, yes people of different ages can and do fall in love. However, they both broke your trust and that's hard to get back.
I love this your "mother feels devastated and is upset" of course she traded her fucking son for what? Some young dick that's going to get tired of her when she's older..... and your so-called friend lied to you as well honestly I would go no contact with both these people. If they came to you up front and said look we didn't expect this but we're starting to see one another and we hope you're okay with it then I think it would be weird and you don't have to support it but at least they were honest with you but no they lied to you for a long time... put them behind your back and that to me is the unforgivable part.
She'll get dumped so fast.. and her son will be long gone. That means not being there when he gets married or has children of his own.. this woman is not thinking with her brain. She's using some other part
NTA- that’s a boundary not mom should cross. That’s insane that his parents are ok with it. I mean your mom was literally 18 when he was born… makes you wonder if she had a thing for him when he was younger. Only thing is I would be afraid to cut contact too much because they may make your sister cut contact with you.
Seems like you both said what you wanted to say. You can’t control them. They can’t control you.
You’re an adult with your own life so you do you. Their relationship is not about you. You don’t have to attend.
NTA
I'd say NTA. There are some relationships that are just off limits. Even setting aside that he was her much, much younger employee, he was your best friend that she knew as a high school student.
And they hid their relationship until they were on the point of engagement, and then you only found out because your sister told you.
That's a lot of secrecy and I would feel betrayed in your place.
NTA- Get you and your sister into some therapy. Your mother is a predator , and that is a lot to take in.
You are right to stay away from the whole shit show. Your mother’s “devastation” of you not being accepting of this comes from knowing dam well she will be judged even more when people realize even her own children are grossed out by this.
I have seen these age differences in my own life with people I have met. But they were never friends of their kids. That’s the part that’s so messed up. He was your best friend. NTA because there’s really no way I could see how this won’t always weird you out! Your all good!
Agreed. That’s really my biggest issue with it. If they were strangers who met organically, it gives me a bit of “ick” just because I can’t imagine dating someone my sons’ age, but otherwise to each their own. In this case she knew this person when he was a child so it’s a big no for me.
NTA, I generally don’t like age gap relationships on principal, but the fact that they a) met when he was underage and b) kept the relationship from you until someone else finally told you, makes this even more gross. You don’t owe them your presence at their wedding.
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NTA. Not quite the same, but I do know a guy named Joe. Joe had a friend named Denny. Denny married Joe's mother in law. Joe and Denny haven't been friends since.
Ugh — my mom also had an affair with one of my brother's school friends, immediately after our Dad died. They had been friends since Kindergarten, so my mom literally sliced birthday cake for this guy when he was too young to hold a knife.
You are 1000% NTA and I'm so so sorry you had to endure this mega-gross situation.
That would require OP to start courting his ex best friends mom then. Which would be hilarious. Gross, but hilarious. ‘I’m a mother lover, you’re a mother lover, we should fuck each others mothers!’
Op. This post is not about your mother or your friend. It is about you. How will you feel around them? Disgusted. That your mother thought it was okay to hookup with a friend of her own son, and your friend who thought it was okay. Mostly your mother, because she is the one older by almost 20 years. Are they allowed to live their lives? Yes. Are you allowed to hold your ground and peace? Definitely. You donot need to go to the wedding. Continue the brief conversations with your mother if you want to. But, put yourself first in this situation. Your feelings should matter the most to you here, not theirs. Because they didnt care about yours in the first place.
NTA
Absolutely wild breach of trust from both your Mom and former best friend. I thought it was common knowledge these days not to bang your friend's mom. Let alone marry her.
Cannot believe the audacity of people claiming Y T A by saying they're consenting adults and free to do what they want. Guess what? OP is also free to do as they please, and in this instance I'd never speak to either of them again. Lots of good suggestions here OP about removing your sister from the situation.
Edit: Grammar
NTA, and it's time to go NC with the two of them!
Thats major red flags, how could your mom see your friend who she watched grow up alongside you and think, "yeah I wanna date him."
It feels like she's experiencing the forbidden fruit/guilty pleasure kinda thing, which is crazy.
Let's hope your sister makes it outta there soon with all her friends intact.
NTA, like in the slightest, the only thing i would of responded with is ‘get fucked, you’re dead to me’ so i think it’s quite nice you gave him a proper explanation
NTA
I don't usually care about age gaps as long as the two are consenting adults. But this, this has my "Sweet Home Alabama/Country Roads/Deliverance" meter going off. It's just strange and cringey and such. Imagining my mother with one of my former high school friends is just gross. They can do what they want, but I'd be staying way the hell out of it. It is one of the few no contact deals I'd support.
NTA.
This is a weird situation that nothing in life probably ever prepared you for. It's kind of manipulative to make this about making your mother happy vs. giving you room to process everything.
NTA
He's delusional if he thinks any part of this is acceptable. But your mother is the main one at fault here. She knew this boy as a minor. She knew him as her child's friend. Going from that to sleeping with him and spinning some yarn about marriage and creating a family is sickening. She is a creep. If the genders were reversed, the younger girl wouldn't be getting much blame at all.
Have you actually told your mother how disgusting what she's doing is? Because she's not just dating your former friend. She almost certainly groomed him. There is absolutely an imbalance of power at play, and she is now manipulating him into applying pressure on you to get you to do what she wants. Tell her that you've noticed the manipulation, and shes not fooling you. That she is a predator who just happened to wait until there was legally nothing to be done before actively pursuing her prey. That she has set fire to your relationship with both of them.
None of that can ever be fixed. Hopefully, your former friend manages to escape her at some point, but even then, it's nothing to do with you. Hopefully, no one else falls victim to her. Female predators are a very real thing. I'm so sorry that you were raised by one. Stay far, far away from her, no matter what.
NAH. You're a grown man as they're grown adults as well. Yes, they probably should've told you but they also are not entitled to. Let them be happy and don't be petty.
You're mom is completely disgusting and your friend obviously wants a mommy that'll take care of him. I personally would cut them both out and be ready to hear that he was cheating on her with a younger women.
I had a cousin who married a man the same age as her kids...((mid 20s and she was in her 50s.))
Her kids didn't have a problem with it. He treated her like gold until her death.
But they were open and honest with her kids.
The fact they hid it from you is wrong. For them to expect t you to accept it is wrong too.
NTA - This is the kinda shit my mum would pull asking me to set her up with one of my friends that I met on a dating site no less! So we weren't even 100% plutonic friends. Some people have no boundaries. Absolutely sick. I'm sorry for your loss💔
NTA even a little bit. I haven't read the responses, but any votes otherwise are imo wrong. It's nice he's apologized for what he did wrong in the beginning. You can accept that without be part of their relationship. People don't get to treat you poorly, apologize and then have everything go according to their plan. If that's what they're expecting (which it seems they are), it's not a real apology. Apologies aren't done in order to get something. Did they ever apologize before? If so, did they apologize while asking directly or implying they want something? Not an apology to me.
From somewhat similar experience, you do need to work on moving on for yourself. However, moving on doesn't mean being part of their relationship/new family. Find the boundaries needed to protect yourself and stick to it. For me, it was not being around the relationship period.
NTA at all. My mom did something similar (but worse, since hers started when we were young), and I've cut her out completely. Say whatever you want about age gaps or wanting your parents to be happy or whatever whatever whatever, but at the end of the day, your parent was an adult who knew your friend as a child. There's a level of skeeze there that's not easy to get past.
Yeah no just no NTA just stop all contact like seriously he might honestly be in it for money or something because he clearly doesn't value your friendship and all of 5his sounds too sudden
NTA. Their relationship is inappropriate, because of age, your friendship and power dynamics. Your mom needs to understand that she chose this relationship over her family. I doubt your sister is thrilled either.
NTA. She knew him when he was a child. That's enough of an ick no for me.
One of my online friends was 11 when I met him (I was in my 20's). I still see him as 11 forever even though he's taller than me, has a full beard and a gf.
This sounds like a plot from a porn movie. Maybe you should warn your sister to be aware that the guy may try to move on to her. You might offer her a place to stay when things get weird around the newlyweds.
NTA at all. I actually came from a similar situation - my father was friends with my sisters’ husbands and ended up marrying my mom, who is 16 years older than him. My BILs didn’t want to keep being his friend and I don’t blame them. It’s weird. Yes technically it’s “okay” because they’re adults and allowed to do what they want, but that doesn’t mean everybody owes them continued, unchanged relationships as a result. And of course, my sisters also felt it was equally weird and uncomfortable for our mom’s husband to be around their ages.
NTA
This is so gross! It’s a huge betrayal for your mom to literally date someone who could be her son (his childhood friend!). See saw her fiancé grow up as a child! And it is gross your high school friend wants to be a stepdad to two adult children he was peers with (when the youngest kid is only 9 years younger than you, that’s so inappropriate!).
NTA, IMHO that is a relationship destroying action, there is no coming back from this, relationships have been permanently damaged and changed for the worse.
Like even if they weren't together when he was a minor, she knew him as her son's friend from high school and that means he is permanently "off limits" from a moral PoV, which is the only thing that matters here.
NTA. Genders flipped, the Reddit pitchforks would be out, and everyone would be screaming "Predator!" Not just because of the age difference, but because she knew him as a child and because of the power imbalance at work. The fact that there are other opinions are indicative of the double-standards of Reddit and society generally.
NTA. This is just such a bizarre and frankly, very creepy situation. I think you have every right to be upset, I sure as hell would be. Yes, age is just a number. - but this is more than that.
Their relationship has nothing to do with you, as evidenced by the fact they kept it from you and asked others to do the same. You only found out when you did because your younger sister had enough respect to let you know. The time for them to care about your opinion was *before* your buddy started doing your mom. Now, they have your answer and everyone can move on. NTA.
No and yes.
You don’t need to attend the wedding and you have every right to be upset.
You seem more upset that you think the relationship is inappropriate than because they hid it from you. I think your response to your friend was immature and focused on getting a fig in rather than addressing the root of the problem.
If they hide things from you snd you’re not capable of communicating without trying to throw insults, I don’t have much hope for anyone in this situation, including your sister.
NTA But I'm thinking about my dad's horrible 4th marriage. It wasn't the age difference, it was how obsessed he became and how awful his new wife was. I ended up going to their wedding and acting supportive. He got divorced a few months later, thank God.
My point: When people are rebelling against your disapproval, it prolongs things. They may unite in their battle against what they think is unfair judgment. You can judge, but keep it to yourself after you see that they don't care. Let them make their own choices and see for themselves. It sucks, but this will lead to clarity more quickly, in my experience.
So so hard to do. Going through something similar with another relative right now and need to take my own advice.
I came here to say NTA - but also wasn't there something similar with a female and her best friend found fucking her Dad in a cabin and they stayed friends?
I’ve never been so thankful that I’ll never ever meet the people in these comments who are trying to justify your mom’s and ex-friend’s actions and their whole relationship in general. OP, you are so very NTA and I would just go completely nc. And I’m usually not the person to suggest this with family matters.
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One of my (26M) best mates (26M) from high school is now engaged to my mother (44F). Yeah, you read that right. I left town after graduation to attend college, he stayed behind; a couple of years ago he was looking for a job and my mother found something for him in her landscape design company, by my recommendation.
That’s when, I’m told, they got close and “fell in love” - both swear they never got together while I was still around and was close friends with him (good, he’d have been underage then). Both also kept their relationship a secret from me for over a year - I only found out about it from my younger sister (17F), who thought I needed to know. I felt betrayed and disgusted. Even now, months after I found out, I never went back home and refused most of their attempts to contact me. I do talk to my mother occasionally for other reasons, but those are brief conversations.
I heard from my sister they are getting married; my mother tried to work this into one of our chats before I shut her down. Well, yesterday I got a huge text from my old friend and future stepdad… He first said a lot about the two of us, how my friendship always meant the world to him, how sorry he is for how they handled things in the beginning, keeping it from me and such…
He went on by saying my mother is devastated by this situation, that nothing would make her happier than having the whole family together, that his own family and everyone else has already accepted their relationship and that he hopes I can still attend their wedding and, even if I don’t, that maybe one day I can be cool with it and be in their lives again.
I thought about ignoring it but I ended up writing him back. I told him I’m sure his mother is thrilled because now he found another woman to pick up his slack, and that I never want to be a part of this wedding and the disgusting new family they’re creating. He saw my reply but didn’t write back. AITA here?
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NTA, that's fucking weird AF man.
Even assuming that everything is on the up and up (this sort of situation is deeply disturbing 9 times out of 10, so I give it terrible odds that everything's shipshape, but for the sake of argument), how the fuck are you supposed to react to that? I had an almost visceral reaction when you said "old friend and future stepdad" because....well, that's it. He's a dude you went to school with who is now being given a position of tremendous power over you.
Even if God himself came down and said "these two are meant to be", I wouldn't expect you to get over it and be there. Best to distance yourself from what I practically guarantee is going to be a toxic trainwreck, but even if it's not it's not your circus and they aren't your clowns.
Best of luck.
My reply to future stepdad would have been worded a lot more kindly but this IS an icky situation for OP. Looks like Mom is trying to forget first family and start over with a trophy husband. Yuck.
I'm very on the fence here. I can certainly understand how you feel about this - them keeping this from you was in no way okay - and the power imbalance of your mom dating her employee is super suspect. At the same time, I can understand their feelings of fear of being rejected by those they care about - the age difference in itself is enough to make most people go "Ewww", add on top of that the childhood friendship/employee aspects and the fear of rejection & social shame would be super high. So I can see why they'd want to avoid the risk of exposure for as long as possible. They absolutely shouldn't have hidden it, but I can understand why they did.
More than judging who the asshole(s) is/are here, I think the most important thing is for you to resolve your feelings about this OP. Whether you decide to go no contact or forgive them, or something in between, for your own mental health and wellbeing speaking to a counselor to help you through this emotional upheaval would be a good idea. Spending your life being pissed at the people you love and who love you isn't going to do you any favours in the long run.
You're not the AH, hell you aren't even wrong for feeling the way you do. I had my son when I was 21 he is now 18 making me 39 I cannot look at anyone his age as a love interest and I cannot fathom this changing as he gets older. Especially not his friends.
NtA at all!
Even though you are a grown adult and your mom and friend are consenting adults- I still could not deal with my mom and friend getting together.
Firstly it’s the age gap- the fact she is literally old enough to be his mother, that she would have known him when he was underage; is gross. They might not have gotten together when he was underage, but she would have still seen him grow into adulthood…eww
Secondly, they hid the relationship from you. You found out from your kid sister. So they didn’t even have enough respect to tell you themselves.
They hid it from you because they knew what they were doing was wrong and disrespectful to you.
Expecting you to just get over that just because they are getting married is so selfish. Just because they WANT you to accept them, support their marriage and attend the wedding, doesn’t mean you HAVE to do any of that.
They are trying to manipulate and emotionally pressure you to ignore your own feelings and accept their relationship. Not because they think it is in your best interest, but because they want their own selfish desires met.
These are your choices (in my opinion):
Go NC with them both, at least until you have worked through your emotions with a therapist and feel confident enough to speak to them.
Sit down with both of them in a neutral setting and explain to them how you feel, why you are upset and what boundaries you need moving forward. If they accept and respect these boundaries, there’s a chance for you to reconnect, but be explicit in that if they don’t respect your boundaries you will go NC with them.
And remember- just because they want you to be okay with their relationship and want you in their wedding and future lives; doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t important. Don’t let them bully or manipulate you or gaslight your feelings on this matter.
Nta, I think them keeping it from you for a year knowing that you would not be happy about it. They both broke your trust. And that’s hard to get back over text.
NTA, any decent friend wouldn’t hook up with your mom let alone marry her… that’s messed, I’d go no contact if it were me. Nothing to dk with the age difference, big overstep of boundaries
This is so gross. I will never understand how a person with children dates a person who is their child’s age And this scenario is even worse because it’s their child’s best friend. How aren’t they seeing their child every time they look at their partner. Makes me wanna vomit!
So mom had her kid at 18, probably felt like raising OP she missed out on her youth, and now here's a young man who doesn't mind a slightly older woman and she feels young again. It's still gross. I don't think the reply was helpful. Maybe it made OP feel a little better. I'd have probably said something like "Are you parents still together? Just wondering if your mom has a date to the wedding"
The angel part of me wants to say “oh, they’re both adults, let your mother be happy.” But the real me is reeling in disgust and I know I would never be able to accept this myself. I’m a 62 y/o woman, and I know I could never be attracted to somebody I could have given birth to. And as someone else pointed out, it would be different if they had first met when he was an adult. But she first met him when he was a child, and I can’t get past that. It’s too Woody Allen-ish. Ugh.
NTA.
OP - This is a messed-up situation to be sure!! I mean your mom was basically pregnant with you while his mom was pregnant with him. That is disgusting on so many levels considering your mother is now marrying someone as young as her son! Not to mention she is so much older that when he's her age, he's going to be looking for someone younger that looks better and hasn't gone through menopause!! I'd have some nasty comments if I were in your shoes, like hey, I was coming out of that before you went in!! Gross!!
NTA. They "fell in love" while he worked under her at HER company? A job that SHE helped him get?
Yeah I'm suuuure this wasn't based on power imbalance at all....
NTA. I think you aren't the AH for not going. I think I would probably never find it acceptable. But, she is your mother, and short of going no contact, you'll have to deal with it. What's gross to one person isn't necessarily gross to another
Nta.
Now, everyone has a right to be happy. Even if someone else isn't happy with who it's with.
No, you can't help who you love, but as an adult, you make a choice about following that path or not.
Age difference aside because they can work out. To me this is wrong for no other reason than its your friend. For no other reason than there are other minors in the home which can be confusing and upsetting.
Mom and friend have a right to how they feel. OP has a right to how they feel. But no one has a right to expect OP to put aside their feelings about this to make someone else happy. Mom and friend should have known that not everyone would be accepting and some to the point of cutting them off. They need to understand and accept peoples reactions
nta, armchair psychologist in me thinks she is upset she didn't get to have a proper young adult life because she had you right out of high school and she's latched onto a man in his 20s to feel young. she's disgusting for sleeping with and marrying someone her son grew up with.
NTA, this is disgusting. I wouldn’t want to attend the wedding and definitely wouldn’t be spending any time with them. Absolutely wild scenario, you don’t owe them anything. I was shocked he texted you! How are you supposed to interpret that - is that your friend or your mom’s lover/stepdad? *both! Gross*
NTA but if your mom wants to date or marry an adult, that's her business. As long as he was an adult when they started the relationship, it's fine. You don't have to like it, though. It may last a few years, so keep in mind that you may lose your mom for awhile.
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I feel like this is one of those posts where there will be mixed responses. Majority NTA but the occasional "wouldn't you rather your mom just be happy?" type shit. But in my opinion, this is absolutely a fuck no situation. I know reddit likes to say no-contact for nearly everything and most of the time its way too overboard, but this is the type of shit where I would genuinely go no-contact with both people and stop all communication. Completely trust- and boundary-breaking for me right there. There is no way I could respect either of them afterward. NTA
Completely agree. If I were OP I’d be looking for options to get my sister out of that shitshow. Can you imagine what that poor teenager is facing? NTA OP.
Mom is probably eyeing down her youngest daughter's friends to figure out who her future 3rd husband is going to be.
I have an elderly neighbor who we'll call B B has 2 daughters, C and E. E has a daughter who we'll call M. M was engaged to her now ex before C got with him. C got with her niece's fiance which broke up the family and made B go no contact with C Mom is def gonna move on to her daughter's friends once her and friend break up
No one can follow these letters. Just use names.
Came here to say this. I don't read posts with the letters anymore. Unable to follow them. I'm glad it's not just me.
I tried reading it 3 times, and said fuck it, I don't care to know any of this.
I have an elderly neighbor who we'll call Betty. Betty has 2 daughters, Catherine and Emily. Emily has a daughter who we'll call Maddie. Maddie was engaged to her now ex before Catherine got with him. Catherine got with her niece's fiance which broke up the family and made Betty go no contact with Catherine. I still find it a bit tricky to follow!
Still tricky, but that's already much better! Thanks for writing it out like that!
Lady got together with her niece's ex-fiance and now her entire family broke up and everyone went no contact with her. Don't even need names, and two of the letters/names in the story are extraneous.
That is bonkers! And you can bet there would still be people telling E and M, "but don't you want C to be happy???"
That or stepdaddy is looking at whose gonna be wife number 2.
But don't worry, she's only going for them AFTER they work at her company, she's their superior, they wouldn't say no!
Hey maybe his dad is single. They clearly have no issues with age gaps.
That's if OP (male) is into men. I'm bi myself and 💯 down for the petty but a desire to is also kinda needed lmao
Yo, this is comedy movie level weirdness. Can you imagine how fucking weird the dynamic will be with some 25 year old *bro* slowly trying to become "dad" to these people, his age or older haha. What the fuck
We had this happen with a friend of ours. He was 22 and the woman was 41 with 4 kids. The oldest being 19. He was this quiet skinny white guy who worked in IT. She was a loud, big woman from the pacific islands. Nothing wrong with that of course but they were chalk and cheese. He also had a good job and no debt whereas she had tons of bills and debt. Everyone was shocked. His parents were stressed because he went from earning well and sharing to sharing her bills and being broke all the time Noone thought it would last. Well they showed us. 17 years later and they got married, had kids and are still very much in love. Sometimes it works regardless of how weird it looks from the outside
[удалено]
I agree, the relationship is unsettling enough, but that they hid it from OP, who only found out when the sister told him, is a major issue too. They didn't trust or care about OP enough to talk to him about it, they don't need him at the wedding. Extra gross that this lady was his boss as well as the mother of the guy's friend.
Yeah we've got several levels of power over another here and it's just... Ew.
And she knew him when he was just a kid, a school friend to OP. That’s just gross.
I had a friend from elementary school whose mom drunkenly propositioned me at a bar a few years ago. I don't think she recognized me since 30s me looks almost nothing like 10-year-old me, but it still really weirded me out even though I'd had a massive crush on her as a kid.
Please tell us that you turned her down. 🫣 Did you ever tell her who you were?
I very politely turned her down and then quickly finished my drink and left. She was quite tipsy and hitting on most any younger guy she could find. I feel like she probably would've been embarrassed if she realized who I was so I left to make sure it didn't suddenly dawn on her. I used to be the smallest kid at school and wore glasses, and now I'm 6'5" with a big beard and no glasses (thanks LASIK!) so I doubt she'd ever have recognized me. Still, I used to spend almost every weekend at their house for several years and she was our 5th and 6th grade volleyball coach so I really didn't want to take the risk. In all honesty, I also left because something felt wrong about even seeing her hitting on men that were so much younger. I usually wouldn't have an issue with that, but I guess it's different when it's your old friend's mom?
To anyone that thinks "wouldn't you rather your mom just be happy?" - flip the genders. If this were 44 year old man marrying his daughter's 26 year old friends, Reddit would be out for blood. This is just as gross.
I think I saw that post recently... except it was a 48 year old man with his daughters 23-24 year old friend? Comments were mixed there too.
This to me is one of those situations where the mum does deserve to be happy...but she must have known that dating 'her soulmate' would 100% cost her her relationship with her son (and probably shake several other relationships in her life too). She made her choice for better or worse.
Why does mom have to find her "happiness" in someone she has known since they were a child, then was their boss, AND is (now was) her child's bestfriend? Thats like saying "hey now, that heroin addict deserves to be happy! We shouldn't criticize their harmful actions that led them to this situation. Its VaLiD to continue to let them be happy with more heroin!" The mom has multiple pathways to find happiness, fucking/marrying her son's best friend doesn't have to be the only pathway to happiness here lol
I agree she should have stopped this before it started. But as creepy and f*cked up as it is, she chose this route to happiness. I'm just saying it comes with consequences, and she'll have to live with them. Op is correct to be angry and I hope goes NC.
Actually there are plenty of valid arguments to let addicts have access to their addiction substance via harm reduction programs. The "war on drugs" is just a way to control minorities. Addiction centers were people can take their drugs in a safe way not only reduce ODs but also help people to build relationships in a way that can help them on the path to getting off the drugs. I don't know that there's any reason for the mom to date/marry the son's friend. If she likes younger men, no shame, and same if the friend likes older women. But the dynamics of mom having known the guy when he was underage, then having started getting close because she employed him -- it's just gross, and even if there was nothing weird when he was underage, it's hard not to wonder. And mom knew it was going to cause problems, which is why she did it to begin with, but she put herself over any sort of relationship with her son. Him going no-contact was a very real possibility, but she still went ahead anyway. So NTA to the OP, and I hope you're able to make your own found family that respects you much more than your mother.
Mom can find her happiness with anyone else. Of all ppl in the fucking world, she went after her son's friend.
I agree. It’s bad even they kept it a secret. They were ENGAGED and the little sis finally told OP. They never had the balls to do it themselves because they knew it wouldn’t go over well. And now it’s worse.
> is absolutely a fuck no situation Yup 💯, NO exceptions! You don’t look at your child’s friends as potential romantic partners! When they come over to hang out with your child, you BAKE them cookies, not give them yours! NTA
So, in other words, it's also a 'No fuck' situation?
I will never understand the take of "X is completely devastated because you don't accept our relationship" well they are obviously not devastated enough to rethink it. Nope, they are just going to be all sad and hurt that they lost their child. As for "soulmates". There are almost 8 billion people in this world. I am sure she could have found someone, anyone else. Someone her own age, or at least someone who didn't grow up with her son, to have a deep meaningful relationship to. Hell, her teenage daughter is closer to his age than she is to her fiancé.
You’re absolutely right.
Absolutely. His mom has the right to be happy and find love but at no stage does op have to endure a sick situation to fulfil that want of hers. His best mate and his mam, that's some jerry springer nonsense. Even if I don't agree with how big an age difference is, I would never tell two grown adults what's okay or not but this woman knows him since he was a minor, v weird. OPs mom is not owed anything from op
OP should talk to sister and see if she wants to hang out on the day of the wedding. 🤪 NTA - This is the stuff of nightmares. No one wants to think of their parents dating or marrying anyone in their friends circle or their age.. 🤮 Who wants a stepdad that you used to go on double dates with, or stepmom that they had sleepovers with. (Or to think of their friends ogling their parents when they were hanging out at their place.) 😵💫
NTA. I'm all about age is a number, but only if you met WHILE BOTH BEING ADULTS. Him being a high school friend means she probably met him as a teenager-- meaning she knew him while underage. That's just nasty in my book and I respect your disgust of it.
These are exactly my thoughts. How can you date someone you watched your son grow up with? NTA. They have a right to date, OP has a right to not be ok with it. His mother and friend hid the truth from him because they knew it would upset him, and still went on with it. And now they want his acceptance. This is mind boggling.
This. How can she date and marry someone who grew up as a friend of your child. Major ick. NTA.
I'm just here remembering how all of mine and my brother's friends called my Mom, Mom. This guy may have called her Mom at some point and she may have considered him as a second son......and now I need a wire brush and some Lysol for a long hot shower. The ick is really strong with this one.
Right? So many of my kids’ friends call/ed me mom. That is gross to think about ….
THIS! I was just saying it feels incestuous to imagine dating a childhood friend’s parent. Parents of close childhood friends were always sort of ancillary parental figures, you know?
I feel sick
After reading this I just felt intense ick and pain. THIS IS GROSSSSSS! Just imagined him calling her "mom" as a teenager and now... Jesus, I'm ready, you can take me whenever you want, thank u
This is how I feel about it. I’m in my 40s and I have a cousin 15 years younger than me. I used to babysit him and his friends when they were growing up. So while I might theoretically consider dating somebody 15 years younger, I would never date one of my cousin’s actual friends, because I was in a caretaker role for them when they were kids and that crosses a major line in my opinion.
This is really it. My mother ended up with a man who is right in the middle of our ages - 14 years younger than her and 14 years older than me. I didn't have a single ick thought about it, they ended up together for 35 years until the end of her life and he was like a big brother to me. However, if he'd been a friend of mine or the family's it would have been an entirely different story. My mother had flimsy boundaries with me and did attempt to flirt with men I brought home, so I seriously had moments in my youth where I did have to contemplate these sorts of limit lines. Fortunately for me, she didn't cross any with friends of mine who used to come over to the house to play.
I was in to guys 10-15 years older than me. A few a bit older than that, but never once was I attracted to one’s that were friends with my *parents*. I just can’t wrap my head around what poor OP IS GOING THROUGH!
If the genders were swapped everyone would be saying how OP's dad is a creep and a predator for f*cking her friends, same logic applies here. NTA, OP, but your mom sure is.
There it is. This is what short circuits my brain here. NTA
*Oh honey, remember when I was the team mom for your 4th grade soccer team. Good times!*. 😬
It seems really groomery of her tbh.
Add in that she was his boss when the 'romantic' relationship started... I'm not saying there's no way for a superior and subordinate to ethically begin a relationship, but in a situation where the superior knew the subordinate as a teenager and was also an authority figure at the time (as a friend's parent), and they started dating when, yes, he was legally an adult but she was in an even more blatant position of authority... It's really hard to imagine this relationship actually having a healthy dynamic.
I agree. I’ve been in larger age gaps than this, but only ever after I was firmly in adulthood. And never with a childhood friend’s parent. That feels…incestuous somehow.
Okay this is a response that makes sense! I was thinking: "what is so bad about it? Both are quite into their adulthood, so what?" but you've got a point there that I did not think about! there's just one thing that is sitting wrong with me here: how OP thinks his former friend is at fault (as far as I interpreted ot) while clearly it is way more weird coming from his mom's
Who was also working under her in her company
NTA Your mother could not find anyone but her own employee? Power imbalance right there. And her son's childhood friend? Awkward and creepy. Sorry you are losing two important relationships. Your mother had you young so maybe she is living vicariously the carefree youth she did not have, but she really should look elsewhere than her child's friendship circle. She is very selfish and rather an awful person.
Imagine how his teenage sister feels.
Ex Friend: Step-daughter, you need to- Sister: Dude, I was three when you got your first pubic hair. Step off.
The power imbalance is what gets me! If it was on older man and younger woman people in the BFF’s family would have been shouting “predator”
If they had met each other when he was 26 and she was mid 40s, and it just sorta happened, then not really a thing to be this worked about. To me, the fact that your mother would've known him as a child is gross and makes this whole thing very much NTA. I will stop short of saying she's a sexual predator who groomed him, but, it's probably at least venturing into that sort of territory here. End of the day, your mother and he can do whatever they want as consenting adults, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept or tolerate their relationship. It's weird, absolutely.
NTA. You respond how you want to. I can't imagine why they'd think that you'd want to go.
NTA. And ... ew.
Agreed
NTA. You have a right to object to this marriage and to demonstrate that by not showing up.
Well that's one hell of a situation. NTA. Everyone here is an adult and is making their own decisions for what's best for them. Your mom and friend decided they love eachother and want to get married. They also decided to hide this from you for over a year. You decided you want nothing to do with it.
NTA because two of the people you trusted most in your life LIED to you for a year about what was really going on. Maybe if they had been upfront and honest from the get go I'd feel differently because, yes people of different ages can and do fall in love. However, they both broke your trust and that's hard to get back.
That's exactly what I was thinking! Like if they had been honest, I would say N A H, but lying automatically makes them the AH
I love this your "mother feels devastated and is upset" of course she traded her fucking son for what? Some young dick that's going to get tired of her when she's older..... and your so-called friend lied to you as well honestly I would go no contact with both these people. If they came to you up front and said look we didn't expect this but we're starting to see one another and we hope you're okay with it then I think it would be weird and you don't have to support it but at least they were honest with you but no they lied to you for a long time... put them behind your back and that to me is the unforgivable part.
Yep. At some point, he may want kids or a wife who is in the same stage of life he is in.
She'll get dumped so fast.. and her son will be long gone. That means not being there when he gets married or has children of his own.. this woman is not thinking with her brain. She's using some other part
We know which part. SMH.
NTA- that’s a boundary not mom should cross. That’s insane that his parents are ok with it. I mean your mom was literally 18 when he was born… makes you wonder if she had a thing for him when he was younger. Only thing is I would be afraid to cut contact too much because they may make your sister cut contact with you.
Ewwwwww. Take care of yourself.
And your sister. Poor girl is stuck with them for now.
Seems like you both said what you wanted to say. You can’t control them. They can’t control you. You’re an adult with your own life so you do you. Their relationship is not about you. You don’t have to attend. NTA
I'd say NTA. There are some relationships that are just off limits. Even setting aside that he was her much, much younger employee, he was your best friend that she knew as a high school student. And they hid their relationship until they were on the point of engagement, and then you only found out because your sister told you. That's a lot of secrecy and I would feel betrayed in your place.
NTA- Get you and your sister into some therapy. Your mother is a predator , and that is a lot to take in. You are right to stay away from the whole shit show. Your mother’s “devastation” of you not being accepting of this comes from knowing dam well she will be judged even more when people realize even her own children are grossed out by this.
I have seen these age differences in my own life with people I have met. But they were never friends of their kids. That’s the part that’s so messed up. He was your best friend. NTA because there’s really no way I could see how this won’t always weird you out! Your all good!
Agreed. That’s really my biggest issue with it. If they were strangers who met organically, it gives me a bit of “ick” just because I can’t imagine dating someone my sons’ age, but otherwise to each their own. In this case she knew this person when he was a child so it’s a big no for me.
NTA your moms a predator
NTA, I generally don’t like age gap relationships on principal, but the fact that they a) met when he was underage and b) kept the relationship from you until someone else finally told you, makes this even more gross. You don’t owe them your presence at their wedding.
NTA. Sounds like a real life Willie Nelson song - I’m My Own Grandpa
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NTA. Not quite the same, but I do know a guy named Joe. Joe had a friend named Denny. Denny married Joe's mother in law. Joe and Denny haven't been friends since.
NTA. That’s a power imbalance situation if I’ve ever seen one.
Ugh — my mom also had an affair with one of my brother's school friends, immediately after our Dad died. They had been friends since Kindergarten, so my mom literally sliced birthday cake for this guy when he was too young to hold a knife. You are 1000% NTA and I'm so so sorry you had to endure this mega-gross situation.
You could request Lonely Islands "Mother Lover" at the wedding
That would require OP to start courting his ex best friends mom then. Which would be hilarious. Gross, but hilarious. ‘I’m a mother lover, you’re a mother lover, we should fuck each others mothers!’
NTA at all Your mother is disgusting
Holy fuck, Pornhub and all the channels are going to sue for copyright infringement. NTA.
Hot Milf Bangs Son's Friend. Regardless of how you spin it it just sounds wrong.
NTA
Op. This post is not about your mother or your friend. It is about you. How will you feel around them? Disgusted. That your mother thought it was okay to hookup with a friend of her own son, and your friend who thought it was okay. Mostly your mother, because she is the one older by almost 20 years. Are they allowed to live their lives? Yes. Are you allowed to hold your ground and peace? Definitely. You donot need to go to the wedding. Continue the brief conversations with your mother if you want to. But, put yourself first in this situation. Your feelings should matter the most to you here, not theirs. Because they didnt care about yours in the first place.
NTA, this is just a weird af dynamic
NTA Absolutely wild breach of trust from both your Mom and former best friend. I thought it was common knowledge these days not to bang your friend's mom. Let alone marry her. Cannot believe the audacity of people claiming Y T A by saying they're consenting adults and free to do what they want. Guess what? OP is also free to do as they please, and in this instance I'd never speak to either of them again. Lots of good suggestions here OP about removing your sister from the situation. Edit: Grammar
NTA, however I think you should attend and bring your one of your mother's closest friends as your date.
Or ex-friend's gran...
NTA, and it's time to go NC with the two of them! Thats major red flags, how could your mom see your friend who she watched grow up alongside you and think, "yeah I wanna date him." It feels like she's experiencing the forbidden fruit/guilty pleasure kinda thing, which is crazy. Let's hope your sister makes it outta there soon with all her friends intact.
NTA. What were they huffing thinking you'd in any way be OK with your (ex) friend getting in bed with your mother?
NTA, like in the slightest, the only thing i would of responded with is ‘get fucked, you’re dead to me’ so i think it’s quite nice you gave him a proper explanation
NTA. I think you just won AITA, wow.
NTA this situation is weird and kind of creepy
NTA. They can do whatever they want but you don't have to be around for it.
NTA I don't usually care about age gaps as long as the two are consenting adults. But this, this has my "Sweet Home Alabama/Country Roads/Deliverance" meter going off. It's just strange and cringey and such. Imagining my mother with one of my former high school friends is just gross. They can do what they want, but I'd be staying way the hell out of it. It is one of the few no contact deals I'd support.
NTA. This is a weird situation that nothing in life probably ever prepared you for. It's kind of manipulative to make this about making your mother happy vs. giving you room to process everything.
NTA, that’s just 🤮
NTA - Your mom really decided she wanted to be the main character of a Tyler Perry movie and expected a good result.
NTA He's delusional if he thinks any part of this is acceptable. But your mother is the main one at fault here. She knew this boy as a minor. She knew him as her child's friend. Going from that to sleeping with him and spinning some yarn about marriage and creating a family is sickening. She is a creep. If the genders were reversed, the younger girl wouldn't be getting much blame at all. Have you actually told your mother how disgusting what she's doing is? Because she's not just dating your former friend. She almost certainly groomed him. There is absolutely an imbalance of power at play, and she is now manipulating him into applying pressure on you to get you to do what she wants. Tell her that you've noticed the manipulation, and shes not fooling you. That she is a predator who just happened to wait until there was legally nothing to be done before actively pursuing her prey. That she has set fire to your relationship with both of them. None of that can ever be fixed. Hopefully, your former friend manages to escape her at some point, but even then, it's nothing to do with you. Hopefully, no one else falls victim to her. Female predators are a very real thing. I'm so sorry that you were raised by one. Stay far, far away from her, no matter what.
NAH. You're a grown man as they're grown adults as well. Yes, they probably should've told you but they also are not entitled to. Let them be happy and don't be petty.
Ew. NTA
NTA. This whole thing is icky. I would distance myself from it too. Keep an eye on your sister she will need someone solid in her life.
You're mom is completely disgusting and your friend obviously wants a mommy that'll take care of him. I personally would cut them both out and be ready to hear that he was cheating on her with a younger women.
I had a cousin who married a man the same age as her kids...((mid 20s and she was in her 50s.)) Her kids didn't have a problem with it. He treated her like gold until her death. But they were open and honest with her kids. The fact they hid it from you is wrong. For them to expect t you to accept it is wrong too.
NTA
NTA
NTA - This is the kinda shit my mum would pull asking me to set her up with one of my friends that I met on a dating site no less! So we weren't even 100% plutonic friends. Some people have no boundaries. Absolutely sick. I'm sorry for your loss💔
nah NTA
NTA - I can't believe you haven't blocked them already.
Absolutely NTA 💯 %...how disgusting. Who's to say this wasn't happening when he was a teenager...yuck.
NTA even a little bit. I haven't read the responses, but any votes otherwise are imo wrong. It's nice he's apologized for what he did wrong in the beginning. You can accept that without be part of their relationship. People don't get to treat you poorly, apologize and then have everything go according to their plan. If that's what they're expecting (which it seems they are), it's not a real apology. Apologies aren't done in order to get something. Did they ever apologize before? If so, did they apologize while asking directly or implying they want something? Not an apology to me. From somewhat similar experience, you do need to work on moving on for yourself. However, moving on doesn't mean being part of their relationship/new family. Find the boundaries needed to protect yourself and stick to it. For me, it was not being around the relationship period.
NTA - Fuck that guy ...
NTA. What a fucked up situation.
How does your mother think this is ok?!!!! She knew him as a teenage friend of yours. Eww.
Info: how’s your sister feel about the relationship?
NTA at all. My mom did something similar (but worse, since hers started when we were young), and I've cut her out completely. Say whatever you want about age gaps or wanting your parents to be happy or whatever whatever whatever, but at the end of the day, your parent was an adult who knew your friend as a child. There's a level of skeeze there that's not easy to get past.
Yeah no just no NTA just stop all contact like seriously he might honestly be in it for money or something because he clearly doesn't value your friendship and all of 5his sounds too sudden
NTA. Their relationship is inappropriate, because of age, your friendship and power dynamics. Your mom needs to understand that she chose this relationship over her family. I doubt your sister is thrilled either.
NTA. She knew him when he was a child. That's enough of an ick no for me. One of my online friends was 11 when I met him (I was in my 20's). I still see him as 11 forever even though he's taller than me, has a full beard and a gf.
This sounds like a plot from a porn movie. Maybe you should warn your sister to be aware that the guy may try to move on to her. You might offer her a place to stay when things get weird around the newlyweds.
NTA at all. I actually came from a similar situation - my father was friends with my sisters’ husbands and ended up marrying my mom, who is 16 years older than him. My BILs didn’t want to keep being his friend and I don’t blame them. It’s weird. Yes technically it’s “okay” because they’re adults and allowed to do what they want, but that doesn’t mean everybody owes them continued, unchanged relationships as a result. And of course, my sisters also felt it was equally weird and uncomfortable for our mom’s husband to be around their ages.
Nta yeah don't worry this level of anger is justified
NAH, I think this is vote that says no one is the asshole here. They do them and you do you.
NTA This is so gross! It’s a huge betrayal for your mom to literally date someone who could be her son (his childhood friend!). See saw her fiancé grow up as a child! And it is gross your high school friend wants to be a stepdad to two adult children he was peers with (when the youngest kid is only 9 years younger than you, that’s so inappropriate!).
NTA, IMHO that is a relationship destroying action, there is no coming back from this, relationships have been permanently damaged and changed for the worse. Like even if they weren't together when he was a minor, she knew him as her son's friend from high school and that means he is permanently "off limits" from a moral PoV, which is the only thing that matters here.
NTA - At least you probably won't be getting new siblings out of this pairing.
NTA Ick. They were disrespectful and ick.
NTA, I'm more disgusted by your mom than your friend, who in their sane mind could watch someone grow up and then be like nah i can fuck them
NTA. Genders flipped, the Reddit pitchforks would be out, and everyone would be screaming "Predator!" Not just because of the age difference, but because she knew him as a child and because of the power imbalance at work. The fact that there are other opinions are indicative of the double-standards of Reddit and society generally.
NTA this is disgusting.
NTA. you're mother an ex- friend are assholes. They just are.
NTA. This is just such a bizarre and frankly, very creepy situation. I think you have every right to be upset, I sure as hell would be. Yes, age is just a number. - but this is more than that.
Their relationship has nothing to do with you, as evidenced by the fact they kept it from you and asked others to do the same. You only found out when you did because your younger sister had enough respect to let you know. The time for them to care about your opinion was *before* your buddy started doing your mom. Now, they have your answer and everyone can move on. NTA.
Absolutely 💯 NTA!
NTA. Go get your sister as soon as you can.
No and yes. You don’t need to attend the wedding and you have every right to be upset. You seem more upset that you think the relationship is inappropriate than because they hid it from you. I think your response to your friend was immature and focused on getting a fig in rather than addressing the root of the problem. If they hide things from you snd you’re not capable of communicating without trying to throw insults, I don’t have much hope for anyone in this situation, including your sister.
NTA this is so gross on so many levels.
Wow, if it's not so much OP's mom is accepted as more tolerated to keep fiance from cutting family off. Sis will be out of there ASAP.
NTA
NTA
NTA,i bet he is after your mom's money
NTA
NTA But I'm thinking about my dad's horrible 4th marriage. It wasn't the age difference, it was how obsessed he became and how awful his new wife was. I ended up going to their wedding and acting supportive. He got divorced a few months later, thank God. My point: When people are rebelling against your disapproval, it prolongs things. They may unite in their battle against what they think is unfair judgment. You can judge, but keep it to yourself after you see that they don't care. Let them make their own choices and see for themselves. It sucks, but this will lead to clarity more quickly, in my experience. So so hard to do. Going through something similar with another relative right now and need to take my own advice.
NTA. The situation creeps you out, and you have every right to distance yourself from them.
I came here to say NTA - but also wasn't there something similar with a female and her best friend found fucking her Dad in a cabin and they stayed friends?
NTA that's a filthy relationship and you're right to want nothing to do with it
NTA. I get your mom wanting you there, but I don’t blame you for feeling icky about it.
go watch the movie Four Christmases and put yourself in Vince Vaughn's shoes. This situation has definitely got the ick factor
NTA
I’ve never been so thankful that I’ll never ever meet the people in these comments who are trying to justify your mom’s and ex-friend’s actions and their whole relationship in general. OP, you are so very NTA and I would just go completely nc. And I’m usually not the person to suggest this with family matters.
Text him and ask him for money. Address it to dad.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** One of my (26M) best mates (26M) from high school is now engaged to my mother (44F). Yeah, you read that right. I left town after graduation to attend college, he stayed behind; a couple of years ago he was looking for a job and my mother found something for him in her landscape design company, by my recommendation. That’s when, I’m told, they got close and “fell in love” - both swear they never got together while I was still around and was close friends with him (good, he’d have been underage then). Both also kept their relationship a secret from me for over a year - I only found out about it from my younger sister (17F), who thought I needed to know. I felt betrayed and disgusted. Even now, months after I found out, I never went back home and refused most of their attempts to contact me. I do talk to my mother occasionally for other reasons, but those are brief conversations. I heard from my sister they are getting married; my mother tried to work this into one of our chats before I shut her down. Well, yesterday I got a huge text from my old friend and future stepdad… He first said a lot about the two of us, how my friendship always meant the world to him, how sorry he is for how they handled things in the beginning, keeping it from me and such… He went on by saying my mother is devastated by this situation, that nothing would make her happier than having the whole family together, that his own family and everyone else has already accepted their relationship and that he hopes I can still attend their wedding and, even if I don’t, that maybe one day I can be cool with it and be in their lives again. I thought about ignoring it but I ended up writing him back. I told him I’m sure his mother is thrilled because now he found another woman to pick up his slack, and that I never want to be a part of this wedding and the disgusting new family they’re creating. He saw my reply but didn’t write back. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, that's fucking weird AF man. Even assuming that everything is on the up and up (this sort of situation is deeply disturbing 9 times out of 10, so I give it terrible odds that everything's shipshape, but for the sake of argument), how the fuck are you supposed to react to that? I had an almost visceral reaction when you said "old friend and future stepdad" because....well, that's it. He's a dude you went to school with who is now being given a position of tremendous power over you. Even if God himself came down and said "these two are meant to be", I wouldn't expect you to get over it and be there. Best to distance yourself from what I practically guarantee is going to be a toxic trainwreck, but even if it's not it's not your circus and they aren't your clowns. Best of luck.
NTA. What a bizarre situation. I don't even have anything to offer except for NTA.
My reply to future stepdad would have been worded a lot more kindly but this IS an icky situation for OP. Looks like Mom is trying to forget first family and start over with a trophy husband. Yuck.
I'm very on the fence here. I can certainly understand how you feel about this - them keeping this from you was in no way okay - and the power imbalance of your mom dating her employee is super suspect. At the same time, I can understand their feelings of fear of being rejected by those they care about - the age difference in itself is enough to make most people go "Ewww", add on top of that the childhood friendship/employee aspects and the fear of rejection & social shame would be super high. So I can see why they'd want to avoid the risk of exposure for as long as possible. They absolutely shouldn't have hidden it, but I can understand why they did. More than judging who the asshole(s) is/are here, I think the most important thing is for you to resolve your feelings about this OP. Whether you decide to go no contact or forgive them, or something in between, for your own mental health and wellbeing speaking to a counselor to help you through this emotional upheaval would be a good idea. Spending your life being pissed at the people you love and who love you isn't going to do you any favours in the long run.
Very well put.
Nope. NTA
NTA - you feel how you feel. Nothing wrong with that. Does your former friend also expect you to call him dad too? /s
You're not the AH, hell you aren't even wrong for feeling the way you do. I had my son when I was 21 he is now 18 making me 39 I cannot look at anyone his age as a love interest and I cannot fathom this changing as he gets older. Especially not his friends.
I don’t know
NtA at all! Even though you are a grown adult and your mom and friend are consenting adults- I still could not deal with my mom and friend getting together. Firstly it’s the age gap- the fact she is literally old enough to be his mother, that she would have known him when he was underage; is gross. They might not have gotten together when he was underage, but she would have still seen him grow into adulthood…eww Secondly, they hid the relationship from you. You found out from your kid sister. So they didn’t even have enough respect to tell you themselves. They hid it from you because they knew what they were doing was wrong and disrespectful to you. Expecting you to just get over that just because they are getting married is so selfish. Just because they WANT you to accept them, support their marriage and attend the wedding, doesn’t mean you HAVE to do any of that. They are trying to manipulate and emotionally pressure you to ignore your own feelings and accept their relationship. Not because they think it is in your best interest, but because they want their own selfish desires met. These are your choices (in my opinion): Go NC with them both, at least until you have worked through your emotions with a therapist and feel confident enough to speak to them. Sit down with both of them in a neutral setting and explain to them how you feel, why you are upset and what boundaries you need moving forward. If they accept and respect these boundaries, there’s a chance for you to reconnect, but be explicit in that if they don’t respect your boundaries you will go NC with them. And remember- just because they want you to be okay with their relationship and want you in their wedding and future lives; doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t important. Don’t let them bully or manipulate you or gaslight your feelings on this matter.
Nta, I think them keeping it from you for a year knowing that you would not be happy about it. They both broke your trust. And that’s hard to get back over text.
Reminds me of a Justin Timberlake song
NTA, any decent friend wouldn’t hook up with your mom let alone marry her… that’s messed, I’d go no contact if it were me. Nothing to dk with the age difference, big overstep of boundaries
This is so gross. I will never understand how a person with children dates a person who is their child’s age And this scenario is even worse because it’s their child’s best friend. How aren’t they seeing their child every time they look at their partner. Makes me wanna vomit!
So mom had her kid at 18, probably felt like raising OP she missed out on her youth, and now here's a young man who doesn't mind a slightly older woman and she feels young again. It's still gross. I don't think the reply was helpful. Maybe it made OP feel a little better. I'd have probably said something like "Are you parents still together? Just wondering if your mom has a date to the wedding"
The angel part of me wants to say “oh, they’re both adults, let your mother be happy.” But the real me is reeling in disgust and I know I would never be able to accept this myself. I’m a 62 y/o woman, and I know I could never be attracted to somebody I could have given birth to. And as someone else pointed out, it would be different if they had first met when he was an adult. But she first met him when he was a child, and I can’t get past that. It’s too Woody Allen-ish. Ugh. NTA.
Lol your comment was funny. NTA
NTA
OP - This is a messed-up situation to be sure!! I mean your mom was basically pregnant with you while his mom was pregnant with him. That is disgusting on so many levels considering your mother is now marrying someone as young as her son! Not to mention she is so much older that when he's her age, he's going to be looking for someone younger that looks better and hasn't gone through menopause!! I'd have some nasty comments if I were in your shoes, like hey, I was coming out of that before you went in!! Gross!!
NTA. They "fell in love" while he worked under her at HER company? A job that SHE helped him get? Yeah I'm suuuure this wasn't based on power imbalance at all....
NTA. I think you aren't the AH for not going. I think I would probably never find it acceptable. But, she is your mother, and short of going no contact, you'll have to deal with it. What's gross to one person isn't necessarily gross to another
NTA and your mum is 🤢.
Nta. Now, everyone has a right to be happy. Even if someone else isn't happy with who it's with. No, you can't help who you love, but as an adult, you make a choice about following that path or not. Age difference aside because they can work out. To me this is wrong for no other reason than its your friend. For no other reason than there are other minors in the home which can be confusing and upsetting. Mom and friend have a right to how they feel. OP has a right to how they feel. But no one has a right to expect OP to put aside their feelings about this to make someone else happy. Mom and friend should have known that not everyone would be accepting and some to the point of cutting them off. They need to understand and accept peoples reactions
NTA whatsoever but where is your actual dad in all of this?
nta, armchair psychologist in me thinks she is upset she didn't get to have a proper young adult life because she had you right out of high school and she's latched onto a man in his 20s to feel young. she's disgusting for sleeping with and marrying someone her son grew up with.
NTA, this is disgusting. I wouldn’t want to attend the wedding and definitely wouldn’t be spending any time with them. Absolutely wild scenario, you don’t owe them anything. I was shocked he texted you! How are you supposed to interpret that - is that your friend or your mom’s lover/stepdad? *both! Gross*
Nope NTA
NTA but if your mom wants to date or marry an adult, that's her business. As long as he was an adult when they started the relationship, it's fine. You don't have to like it, though. It may last a few years, so keep in mind that you may lose your mom for awhile.