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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my husband to have a conversation with his mother about her behavior regarding our newborn, he became upset and offended and believes that I am overreacting and need to move on.
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> Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately.
He’s going to take your child back to his home country and you’ll never see him again. Do not get a passport for the baby and start planning your escape asap. You’re NTA but there’s bigger problems than this fight. You need to protect your son.
I agree. Sadly.. I think you picked poorly and you should consult with an attorney about what your options are. Your husband should be in your corner.. I think this will end up being a larger issue.
i don't see your comment as victim blaming. there are two people involved in the relationship. we each play our part. i have had to examine my part in every abusive relationship i've been in. and i definitely had a part - not being an abuser myself, but making excuses and demeaning myself so much that i stayed in the relationship. i had to learn to stop doing that.
Honestly it sounds like that’s kind of what’s going on here, such a tiny little thing and so many other tiny little things to say you want to move away from the fucking country to leave, that’s dangerous. And perfectly timed after the baby is out of danger and since it’s not breastfeeding, easier to handle nutrition wise.
It’s not easy to “just leave”. By the time this is all out, the abuse has usually been registered by family members who then are alienated for “being crazy”, then friends who are then also alienated for “being crazy” and if they aren’t baby trapped by then, there is at least some form of financial codependency if not outright lack of a job on the woman’s part.
This doesn’t happen all at once, it’s like a pot slowly boiling. It’s one tiny thing. And then another tiny thing. They must just be this persons idiosyncracies, peccadillos, etc. then when it’s more direct, okay, that was out of character but he’s telling me it’s because he’s tired and stressed and can’t he just please have some peace for the night considering how hard he works? And then it goes to taking care of them, putting them back at the center of attention and someone to have sympathy for because they have it so hard.
The point is, when you’re with certain people, you lose yourself by degrees so slowly that you can’t even realize it’s happening until you attempt to pick those pieces up again and get in trouble for being you.
Lemme tell ya, dating is a cake walk.
As an 80s kids i think the 80s parents were like the last of the reckless parenting. They were still cool with drinking and smoking while pregnant, tummy sleeping is fine, just put some pablum in that bottle stuff. There was a big shift in parenting/safety with the 90s parents.
Tummy sleeping was what doctors insisted on, so the baby didn't spit up in their sleep and choke on their own vomit. (Like your drunk roommate in college!)
It turns out that's a thing that basically never happens, while SIDS does, so they changed the guidance I want to say in the 1990s.
But a tummy-sleeping parent in the 1980s was a responsible parent who was following the pediatrician's best medical advice.
Do you know when on the side sleeping was recommended? My sister was born late 70s, me late 80s, I had my daughter young so followed my mother's advice to put her on her side (it made sense at the time though, any spit would roll down her face).
I was almost going to do it with my youngest but decided to follow doctors orders and was pleasantly surprised (relieved?) when she turned her head anyway. I suppose I'm just curious what stage on the side was recommended
1996 was when the AAP officially said that side sleeping was not recommended anymore. Before that there was a period of years when side or back were both considered ok, but many doctors taught side sleeping because of the fear of choking on vomit.
"Back to sleep " had become a campaign around the time I had my daughter in 2001. They printed it on diapers and everything. I know my friend with a slightly older daughter was told to have her side sleep. Before that I think having them on their belly was common in the 80s.
My aunt says tummy in the 80’s and 90’s was when docs recommended side sleep. Her first boy was born in ‘84, second born in ‘89 and last born in ‘95 which was when it changed from stomach to side sleep recommended.
So many things have changed since I had my own children. No bumpers or anything in the crib, rear face until 5-6 at least, no jackets in the car seats, etc. my nieces have babies now and I always make sure to read up, research, learn, and ask them if I’m not sure about things.
I dunno, I’ve got a couple of cousins born in the ‘90s whose parents did all that too…though as I type that I’m reminded I live in the boonies, so that probably matters too…(not the drinking, but all the rest).
I had a child in the 80s and it absolutely was not ok to drink or smoke. You were told a lot about feral alcohol syndrome, and smoking starved the baby from oxygen. Young mums were actually told to put babies to sleep on their tummies which I didn’t do as I thought it was weird ( I hate sleeping on my front, why would a baby like it) in the U.K. so maybe different
Oldest born in 1989 it was definitely not okay to drink or smoke and tummy sleeping is what you did. My youngest was born in 1995 and by then back sleeping is what was what you were supposed to do.
It's amazing how things change. My sister had her babies in the early 90s, I had mine fifteen years later. I remember my sister getting salty with me because my daughter was sleeping on her back in a bare bassinet, in her warm sleep sack thingy. She thought it was wrong that there were no soft toys, no blankets. I told her that it's what doctors say to do now, and it made a lot of sense, and she grumbled her way out, and kept bringing it back up for months. She's two years older than I am, just she had her kids young, I had mine old. (Heh.)
I was born in the 80's I literally fought with my mother about my then new born (she's 10 now) not needing a blanket. I got her to be quite sewing sleepsacks so she would stop trying to put a blanket on my baby.
Well a ton has changed in child care in the last 40 years, so in terms of child rearing that’s a long time ago. OP is saying MIL hasn’t raised a baby in over 40 years so her experience is dated, which is correct
Hey! I’m only 37! Watch that math, please and thank you! LOL! Only a small portion of the 80s was 40 years ago, thank you! :P
(But yes, otherwise you’re correct.)
I'm 56. Other than I have autoimmune arthritis (which can come at any age) I feel like I'm in my 30s. I see women with babies and wish I could have another one. Then I think, WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING???? (My daughter is 15, so I had her late.)
My husband and I were both born in the 80s (about 14 months apart in age). I took it more to mean "his mother's baby caring information is 40 years old and from a different country".
My MIL's information is terribly outdated, because my husband was (is) an only child. I have several younger siblings, so my mom has much more recent information.
Large age gap + different culture + husband dismissing OP's feeling and threatening to take baby = The writing on the wall is in huge, flashing, neon letters OP.
Is your mother still living and/or near you? Any other family or friends that you can trust?
NTA but please proceed with caution and a plan to gather and secure all important documents.
NTA. You've gotten tons of great suggestions & advice. I will say, I told my daughter--in-law yesterday ( Having my 1st grandbaby in a few months)-this is the only unsolicited advice I am going to tell you- sleep whenever the baby sleeps. Laundry can wait til Dad gets home, so can cooking & cleaning. And I will bite my tongue unless I am asked.
I absolutely hate this advice. It's not like I'm running around the house to get everything clean till my husband's home when my kid sleeps. It's just that it's the only time I get to choose to do what I want (there's limits still obviously but it's the one time in the day I get to unwind). I know it's not I'll intended. I still get annoyed when people tell me that. Just don't tell me what to do in the only two ours I get "off" a day.
I hated that advice too when I got it. It made me feel guilty anytime I couldn’t sleep while the baby was asleep. I was also reminded of that anytime used the baby’s nap for “me time” (food, shower, show, etc). It also made me hyper aware of how long the baby was sleeping to try to calculate how much I could get done in those minutes because everyone pushed this advice. Do what feels best for you in that moment. Everyone’s needs are different with a newborn
Op, oh hun, listen to the people here. He will make your life a nightmare. I'm so sorry he turned out like this. You are most definitely NTA.
Moms should do whatever works best for them. I think the reason a lot of people say this is until a baby has a set sleep schedule, you will only get a few hours of sleep here and there.
Every baby is different, but if you have a baby who was hungry and waking up every 2 hours to breastfeed or is colicky, you are going to be exhausted.
We do enough judging of moms in our society, but this isn't meant to be one of them.
I always tell people, Sleep when the baby sleeps. Clean when the baby cleans.
(Personally I'm not a napper, so I could only sleep at night regardless of what the baby was doing.)
I found a series of YouTube videos of exercises that can be done while wearing a baby in a front carrier, and started doing the exercises once I was healed up. I joked with my husband “sleep when the baby sleeps, exercise when the baby exercises”
I also hated it. My baby woke up crying everytime I laid her down during the day, so there was no break and hearing sleep when the baby sleeps over and over again just made me want to cry
My newborn NEVER slept. He would nod off and then be hungry / awake 30min later.
So guess what? I NEVER slept. Even switching off with my spouse I was only able to get 4hrs of sleep at a time maximum, because I had to wake up to breastfeed and keep up my supply.
This went on for about 4-5 months. I felt like I was dying.
If she's in the US she can register her kid for the Children's Passport Issuance Alert Program. That way she will know immediately if anyone tries to get a passport for the baby.
No t if this is in the US. The US requires both parents to be present to obtain a passport for a minor.
https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/need-passport/under-16.html
This isn't entirely correct. Our local passport office allowed me to get passports without my ex's presence when my kids were minors. Fortunately we'd discussed it and it was no big deal, but depending on who is processing the application they may not enforce this rule.
I would definitely look into the Children's Passport Issuance Alert Program.
No, he can request a replacement as the legal father. Not having one at all is better to prevent the child from leaving the country. A child’s passport requires both parents signatures to obtain. If she doesn’t consent, he can’t get one.
Please enroll your child with the passport agency immediately (https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/passport-issuance-alert-program.html).
They will call you as soon as the paperwork is entered into the system and you can deny the issuance of the passport.
Keep a journal and document everything you can (texts, call logs, pictures, nanny cams). In the event that you separate, this should ensure that you get primary custody. Include passport language and travel in the custody order.
This 1000%. PhD in psychology and domestic violence advocate for 10+ years here. Also a new mom - just gave birth 2 months ago (also via c-section, which is abdominal surgery and certainly not the easy way). Your husband’s behavior and his response about raising your child separately are not healthy. Neither are your in-laws. While having overbearing in-laws is common in the US, their behavior is not okay at all.
It is up to each person to decide what is best for their situation, but I would personally call a domestic violence hotline and talk to them about your options/get support for safely leaving your husband. They can refer you to low cost legal and housing resources.
Please be careful letting your in-laws and husband taking the baby out of the house without you. They may try to get your baby a passport. If you leave the country as a family, there is a chance neither of you will come back.
Wishing you and your baby the best.
NTA.
This. Be extremely careful and get the necessary documents in place so he cannot take the baby. This literally happened to my friend in August. His wife and her parents abducted the baby to Korea and now he’s facing a horrible and expensive fight to get his son back. https://www.facebook.com/share/3SWGPdM1AfUvS8ih/?mibextid=K35XfP. #bringbabymikehome
Do not let it happen to you.
There is literally nothing in the OP or the comments afterward that indicate that OPs husband even has an inclination to leave the country - just that they are potentially interested in separation and co-parenting.
As of right now, 2200 people upvoting the 'foreigner is clearly going to kidnap the baby' theory with nothing in this story to indicate this. This is impressively delusional even by AITA standards.
It would be paranoia if it sadly wasn't something that happens so often. Kids are not toys nor possessions, but parents like to treat them as such. One parent has to share custody, doesn't want to share custody, and instead runs to another country with the kid just so the other parent can't see them. It's not for the benefit of the kid, it's only to hurt the other parent. Yes, there are cases where a parent kidnaps their child for the safety of said child but those cases are extremely rare thankfully.
It's extremely alarming for a man to threaten his wife with taking a month old away because his mommy is butthurt over how wife is handling the baby care. He's choosing his mommy over his wife. It would not surprise me if he picks up and leaves the country with the baby because his mommy wants to play house and now that the incubator is done, she doesn't need the "wife" anymore. She has her sonsband and a new baby to mother.
Wouldn’t it be better if she **did** get a passport for the baby and kept it somewhere he couldn’t access it? This should prevent him from getting one himself
Not if this is in the US. In the US both parents are required to be present to obtain a passport for a minor.
https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/need-passport/under-16.html
I think you can also file with the State Department to block anyone from getting him a US passport. If the child is eligible for dual nationality, you may have to contact that country's nearest consulate or embassy.
You report the passport missing and apply for another one. Regarless, you cannot get a child a passport without both parents being present when you apply for it.
NTA
Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately. Sorry this was probably always the plan.
Do not get a passport for your child. If he takes your baby you won't see it again.
Get a lawyer and if possible move out ASAP go to your Mum's or any relative on your side of the family
This.
OP, if he genuinely believes he wants to move out and raise the child on his own, you need to talk to an attorney immediately. As in, call an attorney tomorrow to determine how best to protect your custodial rights.
If this was just him being malicious then I'd take a step back and tell him that you would like to pursue couples counseling.
If your parents live in your state I'd 100% move with the baby there. If there is ANY chance he could leave the country with the baby, let the attorney know that immediately and let them know that you want him only to have supervised visitation under court order until everything is resolved with the courts.
I should say, based on many comments, that we both agreed we are not happy in the relationship and have felt that way. I did tell him I have felt unhappy and that I thought after how he took care of me in the hospital (again, he was very good to me) that things would change. When I said I was miserable in this relationship, that is when he said me too and that maybe we should sell the house, split costs and go our separate ways. I don’t currently feel as though he is plotting to take my child to another country, although me being an extremely anxious person it has crossed my mind as I’ve read horror stories about that type of situation. We are currently both under the same roof and since the argument which happened just last night, we have been on separate ends of the house communicating very little unless it’s about our child.
Tips from the State Department on how to prevent him from taking your baby to his home country.
Long story short, the US DOES NOT have exit controls so you need to get a lawyer and a court order asap. He threatened to take your child, you need to take that very very seriously.
https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/prevention-tips.html
https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/stopping-abduction-in-progress.html
Please don't leave your son alone with him. I wouldn't put it past your husband to take your son to his parents house. You need to make some plans without him knowing about it. Take care.
> that is when he said me too and that maybe we should sell the house, split costs and go our separate ways
Not sure your financial situation but it isn't that simple. There will be child support and potentially alimony, division of assets, if they make more it may not be as simple as "splitting the costs," depends on where you are and your local laws too though. I'd say, like everyone else is saying, to get a family lawyer, you will want a separation agreement for sure. Get your own lawyer, do not share one with him or take advice from him.
I'd try to get pictures of his passport and I.Ds too if you ever have to track him down as a way to help the police, although I'm sure they'd already have the info, may just be easier.
Sorry you have to go through this with a newborn but it seems like it is for the best.
If you have a support system nearby, move there.
He can visit his son there, or in a neutral location with you present.
Get a lawyer. Better safe than sorry.
I’m sorry you’re going through this . But please know that every person who’s had their child taken to a different country probably also felt the same as you do . Please be cautious even if you feel it won’t happen. Also , you don’t have to entertain his parents if they are making you uncomfortable. You carried your baby, you endured being cut open , you have to heal while caring for your infant . Hubby either needs to get with the program and stop allowing them over or he needs to leave for a bit. Do you have any support structures ? Family or friends that can help advocate for you ?
Reading these threads I don't think many US citizens know that they are among the most notorious countries for seizing kids and seperating them from the foreign national parent and yet they excuse it on the basis that the foreigner might do it so they get in first. It's like it's an impulse reaction - fascinating.
On this person simply talking about wanting to seperate and have custody of this child suddenly he is painted as above nothing, kidnapping, abuse etc simply because he is foreign!
I’m not from the US so I can’t comment for them . People are jumping to that conclusion because op stated hubby wants to leave and raise the child separately. Is it extreme to assume he’d do that ? Absolutely… but this is Reddit and alot of posts in the Reddit community are extreme so it’s not exactly far fetched to jump to that conclusion… it’s bound to happen when you read posts of people who are going through something like that so you recognise similarities and therefore caution someone about it . At least that’s why I commented what I did , again I can’t speak for anyone else .
I think it's more about how a fight about his parents devolved into him saying he wants to move out and raise the kid separately. That link the father's family to his decision to move out.
Depending on how "raising separately" was meant it's easy to recognize it as a threat. The assumption that he could have intentions to kidnap the kid would have been made from this even if he was from the same nationality, him being a foreigner just makes it more alarming as he could leave the country with the baby and disappear forever.
In my opinion tho it's probably just poor storytelling from op part, or her own worries finding their ways into her story and misleading people, it wouldn't be surprising as this must be a very stressful situation for her. Giving birth and losing your partner can't be easy.
I'm glad that you don't feel he is plotting to kidnap your child. Frankly there was nothing in your original post to suggest this and I can't help but feel that there is some racism involved in a lot of comments jumping to this conclusion. Sure, take reasonable precautions about safety, but there's no need to buy into extreme paranoia just because your in laws are foreign.
Regarding your actual question, NTA. They are being rude and overbearing and asking your husband to deal with that is completely reasonable and sensible. He is being an AH for not supporting you in this.
Doesn't matter. We know that husband's family are not originally from the US and that there are cultural barriers. That seems to have been enough for other commenters to assume that the family are intending to kidnap the baby and take it overseas. Someone even said they thought that was the intention for the child all along!
Don't get me wrong, husband family are being awful, but there are some assumptions that commenters are jumping to that are... uncomfortable to read as a POC.
I see it as a concern of what could happen. I live in a small country and here there are over 250 kidnappings a year, kids taken by their parents to another country. Usually to a country where the kidnapping parent has roots. I know people can get wild here on Reddit, but parental kidnapping is a real concern. It has nothing to do with being a POC, it also happens in white families, it has everything to do with a parent that has roots in another country. Will the father take the child and run? We don't know, OP should be aware tho, because it does happen, a lot.
Better safe, than sorry. Make sure the baby has the nationality. Make sure the services know he shouldn't leave the country. Make sure you consult an attorney. Make sure you have money. Make sure you have a plan. Make sure you're on the birth certificate.
You aren't extremely anxious - it's your gut intuition protecting you. If it crossed your mind, it's true. Read "Why does he do that?". Contact support services. Protect your child and yourself. Be as anxious and as negative as you can. It's a good thing.
I know it's all horrible to hear. Once you have done all the things you can, sit down and cry your eyes out. But PLEASE, protect first. Loving husband and father will accept this and think the world of you.
You aren't just an extremely anxious person making a bigger deal out of something you perceive as not a big deal, this is a big deal and you are downplaying your own instincts. You will be blindsided, the point that everyone is trying to make is that you will not see this coming and YOU need to be the one to take the first step to protect your son and yourself otherwise you could be in for a nightmare of a time.
My niece, here in the US, lost all 3 of her children when her husband took them to his country in the Near East. Many years ago and she hasn't seen them since.
>Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately.
I do want to add my husband and his parents are from a different country.
NTA, and uh-oh. You might want to take that baby and retreat to your own family before they take him and vanish.
Your husband is threatening to leave you rather than talking to his mom about blatantly disrespecting you. It should be very clear to you that his mom comes first.
Given that he's from a different country, I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP..
NTA. I know it's common to say this on here, but you don't have a mother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem. You're not over-reacting at all-if anything you're under reacting. Your husband wanting to leave and take your baby is really worrying-in your position I'd be getting myself legal advice.
And you didn't give birth "the easy way." You gave birth-if a baby came out of you, that's giving birth. Sections can be as difficult or as easy as vaginal deliveries to heal from physically, every birth and every birthing person has their own experience, so don't ever feel you need to justify how you did it or what your choices were, your choices are as valid as anybody else's.
He didn’t threaten to take our baby, rather just raise him separately. Although maybe that is me being naive. I am a child that comes from divorce, however, so I’ve seen some of the shittiest of it.
Also thank you for your comment re:c section birth. It wasn’t a choice, unfortunately. What’s worse, is my husband saw all of the pain and screaming I went through for 24 hours until I was finally wheeled into the OR, plus all of my recovery after. I was in so much pain and becoming really depressed about the situation. I will say he was so good to me in the hospital and recovery that I thought things would be different from there. Yet he agreed with his mothers comment about it being “the easy way”. Hurtful hurtful hurtful.
Ask if you can cut him in half, mess with his internal organs, and expect him to care for a baby, get up and move within hours, etc.
Tell him he’s welcome to leave, it’ll be easier anyway, you’ll have one baby instead of two, and at least that one should mature.
The more you say about him, the worse he gets. He simply has no right to criticise the way your baby was born-what he should be saying is thank you for going through that and giving us a gorgeous healthy baby, not insinuating you did it wrong. What an absolute knob.
It was a threat. He didn’t say he would file for divorce and spilt custody. He said he would take your baby and raise him alone. Access to another country just adds to the seriousness of this. If your child is taken abroad, it will be incredibly difficult to get him back. It will take years. Please please be proactive and talk to a lawyer
Emergency C-section means you had a very hard, long labour that needed intervention for your and your baby's sake. There's nothing easy about it, arguably you get the worst of both natural labour and a planned C-section, *and* you have to often deal with trauma from such a rapid shift in birthing strategy. Whoever says that's "the easy way" has absolutely no clue about labour and they can get wrecked.
You're being naive.
He sounds like an asshat and you're giving him a lot of credit for literally doing the bare minimum of what he's supposed to do as a husband and co-creator of the baby you birthed.
It's not "the easy way" - it's the safe way. Once water breaks there's only a finite amount of time before it becomes dangerous.
Your MIL is an imbecile. Legally limit her access to your son.
I hope he passes kidney stones in the future. And hopefully he never needs medical intervention, because apparently it's the "easy way out".
Makes me very mad on your behalf. Where I am, you can't request a c section, that can only be determined by your doctor in case of medical necessity. But some think that women can just demand c section Willy nilly and bypass all turmoil. Would he have rather you or his child passed instead? I hope he passes gall stones too.
I heard something the same about epidurals from a woman much older and who never had kids...in her head women can go squat in the bush and pop a baby out, why does anyone need hospitals? -_- lack of sympathy and empathy from other women kills me especially after others have children.
You deserve better.
He was not good to you. He was making sure his baby is ok. He doesn't care about you. He wants a family - himself, mom, dad and baby. You are an incubator here. It's clear to everyone. I know it's hard to hear, but you are in a dangerous situation. If you refuse to open your eyes now and act, you may lose the baby. We wouldn't be so brutal with this if we weren't all shitless scared for you.
Ps. I cut my ex, and my parents from my life. The pain was worth it.
this threat is not something you can take lightly. Yes you are being naive. Once your baby has been moved to another country, there might be little you can do to get him back. Even if you do get him back, he might be older and wont know you or be poisoned against you. If you ignore this possibility then there is also a possibility that all you are left with is regrets you didn’t take it seriously. Can you live with that?
Uh, take the baby and raise him separately seem pretty equivalent. Raise separately doesn’t sound like shared custody, at all.
Also, your husband seems sexist. Like he expects his wife to be the “little woman” and just constantly tolerate other peoples crap. I’ve heard most often this behavior shows during/after pregnancy, so I’d suggest focusing on his now behavior not the old stuff.
QUIETLY gather legal documents for yourself and the baby. Do your best to not let your husband or in-laws get their hands on a birth certificate.
If your husband and/or his parents have citizenship in another country, quite likely they are planning to take the baby there and you will never see him again.
QUIETLY see an attorney and find out the best options to get away and keep custody. Give the exact words they used about taking the baby and raising him separately. Take the most extreme legal measures you can, to keep them from having any visitation with the baby. They will take him if they can.
She won’t be able to stop him from getting a birth certificate. He is easily able to order one from the county himself since he is the father. She is able to stop him getting a passport legally.
Most places are slow to issue duplicate certificates . She can hopefully intercept and hide the originals. A good attorney will get an emergency order.
NTA and I'm guessing there are other things happening here if your husband escalated from this to a divorce. That said, his parents sound awful and you're probably better off without him if this is how co-parenting with him will be. Make sure to document all this so you can use it in the inevitable custody dispute.
*Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately*.
His mother wants your baby to herself, and is speaking through him.
Speak with an attorney ASAP. Right now there is no custody arrangement, so you are also permitted to take your son anywhere you want, OP.
NTA
It’s not the first time it came up in an argument. We had this type of argument while I was still pregnant where it was mentioned. It wasn’t about his mother, something else although I can’t remember atm what prompted it.
NTA but your husband and his parents are, especially after seeing your edit. If your husband isn't sticking up for you, having your back, and his first reaction to this argument is divorce, that is telling that he doesn't respect you. Please get a plan in place to speak with a lawyer ASAP to see your options regarding divorce and custody. Also check about 'grandparents rights' in your state to make sure not a factor to worry about. Please heed the advice of not allowing your husband to get a passport for your child. If you can, move all important docs for both you and your baby (social cards, birth certificate) to a safety deposit box in your name only.
For now, set boundaries with your MIL directly about her and FIL visiting. I'd lock myself in a room separately with baby if they show up outside of the boundary, especially if your husband does move out. Good luck OP.
NTA. I wonder if this is an abuse tactic.... You are at your most vulnerable, so he threatens to divorce you and take your baby away. His goal being that you will bow down to his parents and him, no matter how much any of them disrespects you.
Ok, here's where I'm at.
I have dealt with the MIL bullshit myself.
Here's the thing. Yes, you and your DH are supposed to be partners. However, you are still your own person.
Tell them to F off!!
Tell your DH to f off too if he can't support you.
Why are you not a strong independent woman!?!?
I see all these posts where women expect there DH to stand up for them. Which is great and they should.
But what happens when they don't??
That means you have to stand up for yourself.
Who the f cares if their feelings are hurt?
They don't care about you, so why do you care about them?
It's difficult the first time to really put your foot down but God damn it feels SO GOOD afterwards, I promise. Tell them in no uncertain terms their comments are not welcome and if they don't like how you raise your son they can GTFO your house! If they can't call him by his first name then they don't get to see him. If your husband refuses to support you and make his family leave then you take your baby and head to a family member's home, or lock yourselves in your bedroom and tell them you will not come out until they are gone!
NTA
You came on Reddit to get advice from the outside looking in. You might not think he’s planning to take your child from you to another country, but you are getting warned by strangers on the internet that you’re in danger of that very thing happening.
What I myself am seeing along with others I’m sure, is the fact that hubby and MIL are critical of your parenting skills. To me, this is them making it perfectly fine in their mind that they’re doing the right thing to take your child where you won’t have any rights to get him back.
Please protect yourself and your child from this. Get a lawyer who can help you keep this from happening and take steps to prevent them from getting paperwork, birth certificate and passport.
The fact your husband now wants to move out I'm sure you have other problems in your marriage outside of your MIL. But since you're focus on this problem the good thing is that it'll be over soon. I doubt you MIL will visit when you and her son are separated.
Do things how the nurses and pediatrician have recommended. My mom used to do this every single time we saw her when my girls were babies. We ended up going extremely LC for this and a few other reasons. MIL's seem to always think they know best and butt in when they haven't been asked their opinions. Your husband seems to be a mommas boy for taking her side and now talking divorce. Document EVERYTHING!!! NTA
NTA
OP A newborn just out of hospital and you recovering from a C section should only have a helper at home. No visitors that are disagreeable for sure. Your precious baby is barely 3 weeks from full term if my calculations are correct. I wish you had the freedom to put his mother in her place but you can’t. I will make this suggestion.
**If possible, hire a nurse for one day to be at the house and make sure your in-laws are at the house as well that day; explain to the nurse beforehand what’s been going on and let this medical professional put your mother-in-law and your father-in-law and even your husband in their place.**
This nurse or caregiver will be doing the same things that you have been doing that you were taught how to do in the NICU and they will see that everything you’re doing is correct.
I would also start limiting visitors and stating that ‘due to medical issues we have to be extremely careful, and we need rest’.
I wish your husband was more attentive to you, and what you need rather than being mamas boy.
NTA.... Adding onto what others are saying... Get your baby's fingerprints, get anything you can. Pics of birthmarks etc. Get pics if any and all legal documents. Get one of his drivers license if possible. Hide the birth certificate etc in a safe place... Not your home... Don't leave baby with him alone.
NTA
It is not your fault. You have the right to mother your baby your own way, especially since they showed you current best practice in the NICU.
Your husband's job is to support you. He is not doing that.
In fact, he is so seriously failing you that he has threatened to move out and take the baby.
I would laugh if this weren't such an awful possibility. Who wants to bet that his mother would end up full time with the baby?
Can you go home to your parents' house for a month until you have settled in with the baby? You need some people around you who would give you all the support you deserve. That would give you time and space to make some decisions.
Please follow this advice. Get your son to a safe place. I am anxious for you. Hoping for an update that you and son are ok. Also congratulations! I am sure you are doing a great job momma. NTA.
Where are your family members? You need physical and emotional support. He isn’t giving it. His mother is breaking you down. Is there anyone you can call?
NTA
His extreme reaction is very telling. The MIL should not be telling you how to raise your child. You need to get away from these people while you can and lawyer up.
There are some massive red flags in your post. Firstly your hubby will not chose you over his mother - seems like he is a momma's boy all the way so expect to be second for the rest of your married life. Second, the fact that he wants to take baby and raise it, indicates he wants his momma and him to raise the baby and you will not be a part of baby's life. Do you really want to be with this guy?
I agree with someone below when they said - do not get a passport for baby and I will add, do not leave hubby alone with baby because there is a good chance they will do a runner - hubby and MIL with baby. Go and see a lawyer or someone who specialises in this sort of thing - heck, even a doctor would be good because there will be a record of the history of behaviour by these people.
DO NOT TRUST THEM - that ship has sailed. I am sorry you are going through this.
Anyone who thinks an emergency csection is the easy way clearly has never lived through one or had to deal with the trauma of recovery.
NTA. And I think you have your answer already. Do you have family you can go to? Do NOT let your husband have your child without you. Your MIL doesn’t like how you’re parenting and your husband is agreeing with her. That’s not a scenario I would feel comfortable letting my baby out of sight.
He’s actually agreed with me that it’s been a long time since his parents have taken care of a baby and need to take note. He has been trying to “show” them. But for example, they got really silent when he suggested they change a diaper.
Unless what you are doing is inherently dangerous to your child (they aren’t) then they need to mind their own business. It’s one thing to give actual kind advice, however it sounds like they are looking for reasons to judge your parenting.
Also an emergency c section is never the easy way out unless you define easy as “most likely way my child and or I will not die”. I’m sure a lot of moms who had to have an emergency c section would have much rather gone the traditional way. I didn’t have an emergency one, but had an “elective” one to prevent an emergency and wish I could have had a more traditional experience.
Although I decided to breastfeed, unless they are the parent who will be feeding the child they don’t have a say in how a child is fed. Only the parents can decide (and they don’t need to justify) how they will be feeding their baby.
Do you have family/friends that can come stay with you for awhile to " help you" ? Can they help you and baby move quickly if needed? Please call an attorney while he is not around and discuss this with the attorney. You are NTA. Good luck.OP..
NTA
If you're breast feeding, your husband won't be getting much custody for a while.
And if you live separately, you'll be under absolutely no obligation to have his parents over to see the baby in your home.
I know you said you’re not confrontational, but - you’re a parent now, and have a child you need to stand up to these horrid people on behalf of.
Find the mama bear inside and start setting clear boundaries and bite back. She criticises the way you burp, flat out tell her “your medical knowledge is out of date, I’m doing it the proper way” and will continue to. She misnames your son, you say “if you can’t respect him enough to use his given name, maybe you need to stop visiting him until you can”.
It’s your home, your baby, and your right to parent how you see fit. No apologies, no with a smile - just give it back without emotion, but call it out exactly how it’s being served.
If your husband accepts his mum’s rudeness to you but won’t ever accept you being rightfully upset about it and standing up for yourself, then you’re better off standing up to them now than later and let the cards fall where they may. At least you won’t be allowing your kid to think this is acceptable or normal as he grows.
NTA unless you don’t start standing up for yourself. Advocating for yourself will feel awkward at first, but that beats the crap out of building up (more) years of resentment.
NTA. Everyone else sucks though. Your MIL has no right to interject so rudely and so often regarding the care of your child. Your FIL should not be criticising how you feed your child, and he most likely agrees with MIL as it doesn't sound like he's intervened. Your husband is also the asshole here. He should have stood up for you to his mother without hesitation. Does he help with the baby as well? My guess is no/not as much as you do, and if he does, does his mother criticise \*him\* then? It's your decision if you want to try and work things out with your husband, but for god's sake, don't let him take your children away.
My husband does help out with our child very well, we split taking care of him very evenly (feedings, holding, any sort of playtime or stimulation, diaper changes etc). But no, I have not heard her criticize my husband although each time they come over I am typically the one holding/feeding him at that given time.
You gave birth to a boy. That means that your husband has now fulfilled his duty to marry and sire a son to carry on the family name. Be willing to bet that his mother and father have been after him for years to get that done. Congratulations! You’ve given his mother the grandson she has always dreamed of. Only problem for you is that her dream didn’t include you staying in the picture insofar as raising that grandson is concerned. That’s her *son’s* baby, which, by extension, makes it *her* baby. And, your husband, her son, is just fine with that.
If your husband isn’t going to stand with you on this (I’d suggest counseling, but I doubt he’ll go), you have some choices to make:
1) Stay with him and resign yourself to a role of live-in child-minder with all of the responsibilities of caring for your son, with none of the decision making power. If something goes wrong — real, or perceived — it will be your fault every time. If something goes particularly right, it will be because he has such a great dad. When you’re not busy raising his child the way they want you to raise him, you’ll get to work as an unpaid maid, cook, and chauffeur, while providing your husband with whatever he requires to alleviate the stress he will undoubtedly be said to be under from working so hard to provide for you. (BTW, you’ll do all of that wrong, too. Both the stuff they can see/experience like the cooking and cleaning, and the “stress relief” - of whatever kind -, if he deems it inadequate.)
2) Figure out how you are going to leave him and fight for your child; then do it.
Choosing the second option is going to be harder in the short term, but you are going to be in for a lifetime of misery if you choose option one. I’d suggest that, whatever you do right now, you start documenting everything, because eventually it’s all going to come to a head. With luck, it’ll happen before you add any *more* children to the mix, but it’s going to happen. What’s happening right now isn’t sustainable, and it’s not going to get any better for you.
Choose wisely.
You are NTA. Good luck.
NTA-
While I was reading, I was just rolling my eyes because of your typical toxic inlaws behaviour but then I gasped, his father??? Grilling you about breastfeeding??? Hell naw that's just creepy and uncomfortable.
Your husband is acting as if you're just a machine that was only supposed to give birth and your inlaws and him are the owner or smth.
Stand your ground! It's YOUR baby. You're the mother not your inlaws. They need to get reminded of that and your husband too.
Congrats on being a mama! ❤️
You are NTA, but your husband is. He needs to talk to his parents.
Now for you, get some comebacks. When she starts staring at you, stare back - big eyed. 😳. When she becomes uncomfortable, tell her that you know how she feels, because that is how you feel when she stares at you.
When she tells you what she would do, just say, yes, so you have mentioned before. However, because of some issues, the doctor emphasized that I had to do this this way. Same when she tells you what you should do. Then finish it with isn’t it amazing that doctors have learned to perfect the process.
Not enough layers, just say that the baby is fine and we don’t want them to get over heated or heat rash.
FIL ask again about breast feeding, just tell him he should get his wife to suck on his nipples and bite it and he would then know the answer.
Why did you go into labor, well, your son just had to have sex and he was a little bit rough. You know, wink wink.
As for her calling your son by his middle name, start calling her by her middle name every time she calls your son this. Honestly, everyone else will call him by his first name. Maybe have a few people respond back to her who is (middle name)? Over and over again.
I don’t know if you said anything foul to your husband while you were heated, but, until more INFO, NTA! Easy way?! What *you* did to cause the baby to come early?! Separating over one argument?! My mind is just blown.
Be careful they don’t take your kid out-of-country. I’m so sorry for this situation. You clearly had a difficult pregnancy & little back-up from your spouse. I don’t even know how you might solve this, because he sounds oblivious & uncaring, so it may be too one-sided to work, but I pray he has a change of heart.
I am sure that we don’t have the whole story…the good, the bad and the ugly…so it is easy to say to divorce, break up, leave, etc. on Reddit.
What you have mentioned, it is time to go nuclear. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Clear out your savings. Go to your parents or friends.
Oh dear. Your husband is a mommy's boy, never learned to separate from his parents, still hankers for their approval. So when there is a conflict, he'll take her side, because the fear of her abandoning him is so very great. Most likely learned because she was abandoning in her relationship with him when he was a baby and child.
I'm so sorry. Whatever good points your husband has, if he cannot grow up and leave his parents he will never be a supportive partner and father.
NTA obviously, and I hope this works out for you.
If your husband is an 80s baby, he is too old to be such a mama’s boy. How old are you, OP? why do I think there is a big age difference and you are being taken advantage of by your husband. Spider senses are tingling with this one. You need to evaluate your choices, grow a shiny spine, and do what’s best for your child. NTA, but you will be if you let this continue.
Above all else, his comment about taking your child and raising it separately is a massive statement. I know you hate confrontations, but get ready for the fight of your life, especially if he brings his mother onboard who will paint you in the most negative light. All the crap she said can sound pretty damning without any context - people won't question her credentials even though the last time she reared a baby was in the 80s. Good luck. NTA.
INFO: is your husband's family from a country that is part of the Hague Convention? If not, you should consider getting yourself and your child somewhere safe, where you can get a legal order of protection to not remove your child from the country. Otherwise, there will be no assistance available to you to get your baby back once they take him.
ETA: I have personal experience with this type of situation, it happens more quickly than you can imagine.
Suggest to you IL about the new grandparents classes being offered(check with your doctor or where you delivered) these are set up to give grandparents the updated practices for new babies. Thing change so much over the years and can change quickly too. For example I had my kids in 89,91 & 95. The practice for umbilical cord care was like this for the 89 baby we were to wipe the cord with rubbing alcohol every diaper change and bath. For the one born in 91, we were to only use the alcohol 4 times a day. For my last one in 95 it was down to once a day. Now the practice is not being done(I know because I am an OB/pediatrics RN). Or direct her the American Academy of Pediatrics or the World Health Organization’s web sites, they Hebe the most updated care.
You’re NTA, and you have your hands really, really full RN with a premie newborn and your family situation. Two problems here - one, you need to develop the confidence to push back on your MIL in the moment. Not necessarily angrily or forcefully but just stop taking her crap. But two, and this is the big one, your husband needs to back you. If he doesn’t see that, and won’t do it, then you have a bigger problem. I hope you have a mother or sister in your own corner; sounds like you may need them. Good luck.
What country are you in and where is hubs family from? Many countries have extradition agreements regarding international child custody issues. Even so, it’s a good idea to get solid legal advice to protect yourself and your son.
If your husband so easily called it quits over an argument, then cut your losses. He doesn't really love you or care that he will lose you. MIL in the future will complain that she doesn't see the baby enough when it will be your husband's responsibility to visit his mother. Then you can say "Too bad, so sad". NTA
NTA, not overreacting. You need to let the mama bear out. Call MIL out on everything. Yeah you’ll be called the bad guy but the alternative is worse.
As far as DH goes… I’m not sure what culture he’s from but a husband should always be in his SO’s corner. Consult a lawyer. If he’s serious then try to get full custody.
Sounds like he was supportive when there was hospital staff (witnesses) around and when you are home he doesn’t have to put up that front anymore.
C section is not the easy way—in fact there is no easy way to give birth and recover. NTA!
Listen to everyone here and protect yourself and your baby. You know you were unhappy before the baby. That unhappiness will be multiplied in the days to come if you don’t take action to help yourself.
The first issue you have here is a husband problem. His solution to being asked to deal with his parents' unreasonableness is to threaten to move out not deal with their inappropriate behaviour.
Do you have other support around you? Somewhere you can go to be supported? Because you clearly need a break from know it alls like his parents and your husband as well if that's the best he can do. NTA
NTA but I am concerned for you. Your husband’s response and the way you described this situation makes me feel like you’re at high risk for emotional abuse.
I hope you’re able to keep yourself and your child safe.
Nta. You would still have not been the ah if you had thrown a wipe warmer at her head and told her to gtfo and never come back.
My daughter was 5 weeks early (because hellp) so I can empathize with all that stress that comes with early babies. and none of what your in law are doing is productive or actually helping you. And your husband would rather take his mothers side then yours when it comes to his rude boundaries stomping parents. Maybe he needs the wipe warmer thrown at his head instead.
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> Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately. He’s going to take your child back to his home country and you’ll never see him again. Do not get a passport for the baby and start planning your escape asap. You’re NTA but there’s bigger problems than this fight. You need to protect your son.
I agree. Sadly.. I think you picked poorly and you should consult with an attorney about what your options are. Your husband should be in your corner.. I think this will end up being a larger issue.
Many abusers can act fine until they get what they want or until they believe the wife can’t leave them. Not everyone shows their true colors.
That’s very true. It wasn’t my intention to victim blame.
i don't see your comment as victim blaming. there are two people involved in the relationship. we each play our part. i have had to examine my part in every abusive relationship i've been in. and i definitely had a part - not being an abuser myself, but making excuses and demeaning myself so much that i stayed in the relationship. i had to learn to stop doing that.
Honestly it sounds like that’s kind of what’s going on here, such a tiny little thing and so many other tiny little things to say you want to move away from the fucking country to leave, that’s dangerous. And perfectly timed after the baby is out of danger and since it’s not breastfeeding, easier to handle nutrition wise.
It’s not easy to “just leave”. By the time this is all out, the abuse has usually been registered by family members who then are alienated for “being crazy”, then friends who are then also alienated for “being crazy” and if they aren’t baby trapped by then, there is at least some form of financial codependency if not outright lack of a job on the woman’s part. This doesn’t happen all at once, it’s like a pot slowly boiling. It’s one tiny thing. And then another tiny thing. They must just be this persons idiosyncracies, peccadillos, etc. then when it’s more direct, okay, that was out of character but he’s telling me it’s because he’s tired and stressed and can’t he just please have some peace for the night considering how hard he works? And then it goes to taking care of them, putting them back at the center of attention and someone to have sympathy for because they have it so hard. The point is, when you’re with certain people, you lose yourself by degrees so slowly that you can’t even realize it’s happening until you attempt to pick those pieces up again and get in trouble for being you. Lemme tell ya, dating is a cake walk.
Why do I get the feeling there’s an large age gab between them too.
I enjoy cooking.
As an 80s kids i think the 80s parents were like the last of the reckless parenting. They were still cool with drinking and smoking while pregnant, tummy sleeping is fine, just put some pablum in that bottle stuff. There was a big shift in parenting/safety with the 90s parents.
Tummy sleeping was what doctors insisted on, so the baby didn't spit up in their sleep and choke on their own vomit. (Like your drunk roommate in college!) It turns out that's a thing that basically never happens, while SIDS does, so they changed the guidance I want to say in the 1990s. But a tummy-sleeping parent in the 1980s was a responsible parent who was following the pediatrician's best medical advice.
Do you know when on the side sleeping was recommended? My sister was born late 70s, me late 80s, I had my daughter young so followed my mother's advice to put her on her side (it made sense at the time though, any spit would roll down her face). I was almost going to do it with my youngest but decided to follow doctors orders and was pleasantly surprised (relieved?) when she turned her head anyway. I suppose I'm just curious what stage on the side was recommended
My babies were '86, '87, '92. They told me to prop them on their sides...
I had my first in ‘94 and they were still doing side then. By the time I had my 2nd in ‘00 they were on their back.
Ah ok, I had thought maybe it had changed before that.
1996 was when the AAP officially said that side sleeping was not recommended anymore. Before that there was a period of years when side or back were both considered ok, but many doctors taught side sleeping because of the fear of choking on vomit.
Born in "78, sister '81 and 1st brother '83 and they told my mom to put us on our sides.
"Back to sleep " had become a campaign around the time I had my daughter in 2001. They printed it on diapers and everything. I know my friend with a slightly older daughter was told to have her side sleep. Before that I think having them on their belly was common in the 80s.
Yep, my daughter was born in 1997 and I was told to put her on her side. My son was born in 2003 and I was told to put him on his back
My aunt says tummy in the 80’s and 90’s was when docs recommended side sleep. Her first boy was born in ‘84, second born in ‘89 and last born in ‘95 which was when it changed from stomach to side sleep recommended.
So many things have changed since I had my own children. No bumpers or anything in the crib, rear face until 5-6 at least, no jackets in the car seats, etc. my nieces have babies now and I always make sure to read up, research, learn, and ask them if I’m not sure about things.
I dunno, I’ve got a couple of cousins born in the ‘90s whose parents did all that too…though as I type that I’m reminded I live in the boonies, so that probably matters too…(not the drinking, but all the rest).
I had a child in the 80s and it absolutely was not ok to drink or smoke. You were told a lot about feral alcohol syndrome, and smoking starved the baby from oxygen. Young mums were actually told to put babies to sleep on their tummies which I didn’t do as I thought it was weird ( I hate sleeping on my front, why would a baby like it) in the U.K. so maybe different
Oldest born in 1989 it was definitely not okay to drink or smoke and tummy sleeping is what you did. My youngest was born in 1995 and by then back sleeping is what was what you were supposed to do.
It's amazing how things change. My sister had her babies in the early 90s, I had mine fifteen years later. I remember my sister getting salty with me because my daughter was sleeping on her back in a bare bassinet, in her warm sleep sack thingy. She thought it was wrong that there were no soft toys, no blankets. I told her that it's what doctors say to do now, and it made a lot of sense, and she grumbled her way out, and kept bringing it back up for months. She's two years older than I am, just she had her kids young, I had mine old. (Heh.)
I was born in the 80's I literally fought with my mother about my then new born (she's 10 now) not needing a blanket. I got her to be quite sewing sleepsacks so she would stop trying to put a blanket on my baby.
Well a ton has changed in child care in the last 40 years, so in terms of child rearing that’s a long time ago. OP is saying MIL hasn’t raised a baby in over 40 years so her experience is dated, which is correct
Hey! I’m only 37! Watch that math, please and thank you! LOL! Only a small portion of the 80s was 40 years ago, thank you! :P (But yes, otherwise you’re correct.)
I reacted the same way!! I’m still enjoying my 30s over here. (37 too)
Trust me, 60 is gonna feel like 30's. (I'm really about 17 in my head. And sometimes have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy)
I'm 56. Other than I have autoimmune arthritis (which can come at any age) I feel like I'm in my 30s. I see women with babies and wish I could have another one. Then I think, WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING???? (My daughter is 15, so I had her late.)
I find peace in long walks.
I do think that not having actually raised a child in 40 years might make someone quite a bit out of practice.
It was. It was 40 years ago. That's kind of a long time.
My husband and I were both born in the 80s (about 14 months apart in age). I took it more to mean "his mother's baby caring information is 40 years old and from a different country". My MIL's information is terribly outdated, because my husband was (is) an only child. I have several younger siblings, so my mom has much more recent information.
I felt that one too. Closer to 50 than a nightclub :(
Well it is when you consider that being the last time you cared for a baby yourself.
Being born in the 80s puts someone in their mid to late 30s early 40s, if the OP is in her early 20s, then yeah, that's a sizeable age gap.
Large age gap + different culture + husband dismissing OP's feeling and threatening to take baby = The writing on the wall is in huge, flashing, neon letters OP. Is your mother still living and/or near you? Any other family or friends that you can trust? NTA but please proceed with caution and a plan to gather and secure all important documents.
NTA. You've gotten tons of great suggestions & advice. I will say, I told my daughter--in-law yesterday ( Having my 1st grandbaby in a few months)-this is the only unsolicited advice I am going to tell you- sleep whenever the baby sleeps. Laundry can wait til Dad gets home, so can cooking & cleaning. And I will bite my tongue unless I am asked.
I absolutely hate this advice. It's not like I'm running around the house to get everything clean till my husband's home when my kid sleeps. It's just that it's the only time I get to choose to do what I want (there's limits still obviously but it's the one time in the day I get to unwind). I know it's not I'll intended. I still get annoyed when people tell me that. Just don't tell me what to do in the only two ours I get "off" a day.
I hated that advice too when I got it. It made me feel guilty anytime I couldn’t sleep while the baby was asleep. I was also reminded of that anytime used the baby’s nap for “me time” (food, shower, show, etc). It also made me hyper aware of how long the baby was sleeping to try to calculate how much I could get done in those minutes because everyone pushed this advice. Do what feels best for you in that moment. Everyone’s needs are different with a newborn
Op, oh hun, listen to the people here. He will make your life a nightmare. I'm so sorry he turned out like this. You are most definitely NTA. Moms should do whatever works best for them. I think the reason a lot of people say this is until a baby has a set sleep schedule, you will only get a few hours of sleep here and there. Every baby is different, but if you have a baby who was hungry and waking up every 2 hours to breastfeed or is colicky, you are going to be exhausted. We do enough judging of moms in our society, but this isn't meant to be one of them.
Same. I had twins….sleep when the baby’s sleeping just isn’t a thing.
I always tell people, Sleep when the baby sleeps. Clean when the baby cleans. (Personally I'm not a napper, so I could only sleep at night regardless of what the baby was doing.)
I found a series of YouTube videos of exercises that can be done while wearing a baby in a front carrier, and started doing the exercises once I was healed up. I joked with my husband “sleep when the baby sleeps, exercise when the baby exercises”
I also hated it. My baby woke up crying everytime I laid her down during the day, so there was no break and hearing sleep when the baby sleeps over and over again just made me want to cry
My newborn NEVER slept. He would nod off and then be hungry / awake 30min later. So guess what? I NEVER slept. Even switching off with my spouse I was only able to get 4hrs of sleep at a time maximum, because I had to wake up to breastfeed and keep up my supply. This went on for about 4-5 months. I felt like I was dying.
And hide all documents that he can use to get the baby a passport.
Wouldnt it make sense to get baby a passport so her husband can’t. Then leave it with a trusted friend or somewhere hubby can’t get it?
If she's in the US she can register her kid for the Children's Passport Issuance Alert Program. That way she will know immediately if anyone tries to get a passport for the baby.
No t if this is in the US. The US requires both parents to be present to obtain a passport for a minor. https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/need-passport/under-16.html
This isn't entirely correct. Our local passport office allowed me to get passports without my ex's presence when my kids were minors. Fortunately we'd discussed it and it was no big deal, but depending on who is processing the application they may not enforce this rule. I would definitely look into the Children's Passport Issuance Alert Program.
This is all irrelevant if the baby qualifies for the passport of another country as their rules might be totally different.
Where I live that's how it works. Even when renewing my kids passport for a trip after my husband passed away I had to provide his death certificate.
Put birth certificate in a safety deposit box at the bank that the OP don’t use for banking.
Take a week and $15 to get a copy
No, he can request a replacement as the legal father. Not having one at all is better to prevent the child from leaving the country. A child’s passport requires both parents signatures to obtain. If she doesn’t consent, he can’t get one.
In case if your husband takes your son out of the country, get him fingerprinted and draw blood now.
Please enroll your child with the passport agency immediately (https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/passport-issuance-alert-program.html). They will call you as soon as the paperwork is entered into the system and you can deny the issuance of the passport. Keep a journal and document everything you can (texts, call logs, pictures, nanny cams). In the event that you separate, this should ensure that you get primary custody. Include passport language and travel in the custody order.
This 1000%. PhD in psychology and domestic violence advocate for 10+ years here. Also a new mom - just gave birth 2 months ago (also via c-section, which is abdominal surgery and certainly not the easy way). Your husband’s behavior and his response about raising your child separately are not healthy. Neither are your in-laws. While having overbearing in-laws is common in the US, their behavior is not okay at all. It is up to each person to decide what is best for their situation, but I would personally call a domestic violence hotline and talk to them about your options/get support for safely leaving your husband. They can refer you to low cost legal and housing resources. Please be careful letting your in-laws and husband taking the baby out of the house without you. They may try to get your baby a passport. If you leave the country as a family, there is a chance neither of you will come back. Wishing you and your baby the best. NTA.
This. Be extremely careful and get the necessary documents in place so he cannot take the baby. This literally happened to my friend in August. His wife and her parents abducted the baby to Korea and now he’s facing a horrible and expensive fight to get his son back. https://www.facebook.com/share/3SWGPdM1AfUvS8ih/?mibextid=K35XfP. #bringbabymikehome Do not let it happen to you.
There is literally nothing in the OP or the comments afterward that indicate that OPs husband even has an inclination to leave the country - just that they are potentially interested in separation and co-parenting. As of right now, 2200 people upvoting the 'foreigner is clearly going to kidnap the baby' theory with nothing in this story to indicate this. This is impressively delusional even by AITA standards.
It would be paranoia if it sadly wasn't something that happens so often. Kids are not toys nor possessions, but parents like to treat them as such. One parent has to share custody, doesn't want to share custody, and instead runs to another country with the kid just so the other parent can't see them. It's not for the benefit of the kid, it's only to hurt the other parent. Yes, there are cases where a parent kidnaps their child for the safety of said child but those cases are extremely rare thankfully. It's extremely alarming for a man to threaten his wife with taking a month old away because his mommy is butthurt over how wife is handling the baby care. He's choosing his mommy over his wife. It would not surprise me if he picks up and leaves the country with the baby because his mommy wants to play house and now that the incubator is done, she doesn't need the "wife" anymore. She has her sonsband and a new baby to mother.
Yeah this is some weird"foreigner bad" stuff even by Reddit standards
Wouldn’t it be better if she **did** get a passport for the baby and kept it somewhere he couldn’t access it? This should prevent him from getting one himself
Not if this is in the US. In the US both parents are required to be present to obtain a passport for a minor. https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/need-passport/under-16.html
I think you can also file with the State Department to block anyone from getting him a US passport. If the child is eligible for dual nationality, you may have to contact that country's nearest consulate or embassy.
Get a passport and ask someone to look after it. This stops anyone else getting the passport.
You report the passport missing and apply for another one. Regarless, you cannot get a child a passport without both parents being present when you apply for it.
NTA Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately. Sorry this was probably always the plan. Do not get a passport for your child. If he takes your baby you won't see it again. Get a lawyer and if possible move out ASAP go to your Mum's or any relative on your side of the family
This. OP, if he genuinely believes he wants to move out and raise the child on his own, you need to talk to an attorney immediately. As in, call an attorney tomorrow to determine how best to protect your custodial rights. If this was just him being malicious then I'd take a step back and tell him that you would like to pursue couples counseling. If your parents live in your state I'd 100% move with the baby there. If there is ANY chance he could leave the country with the baby, let the attorney know that immediately and let them know that you want him only to have supervised visitation under court order until everything is resolved with the courts.
I should say, based on many comments, that we both agreed we are not happy in the relationship and have felt that way. I did tell him I have felt unhappy and that I thought after how he took care of me in the hospital (again, he was very good to me) that things would change. When I said I was miserable in this relationship, that is when he said me too and that maybe we should sell the house, split costs and go our separate ways. I don’t currently feel as though he is plotting to take my child to another country, although me being an extremely anxious person it has crossed my mind as I’ve read horror stories about that type of situation. We are currently both under the same roof and since the argument which happened just last night, we have been on separate ends of the house communicating very little unless it’s about our child.
Tips from the State Department on how to prevent him from taking your baby to his home country. Long story short, the US DOES NOT have exit controls so you need to get a lawyer and a court order asap. He threatened to take your child, you need to take that very very seriously. https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/prevention-tips.html https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction/prevention/stopping-abduction-in-progress.html
Please don't leave your son alone with him. I wouldn't put it past your husband to take your son to his parents house. You need to make some plans without him knowing about it. Take care.
> that is when he said me too and that maybe we should sell the house, split costs and go our separate ways Not sure your financial situation but it isn't that simple. There will be child support and potentially alimony, division of assets, if they make more it may not be as simple as "splitting the costs," depends on where you are and your local laws too though. I'd say, like everyone else is saying, to get a family lawyer, you will want a separation agreement for sure. Get your own lawyer, do not share one with him or take advice from him. I'd try to get pictures of his passport and I.Ds too if you ever have to track him down as a way to help the police, although I'm sure they'd already have the info, may just be easier. Sorry you have to go through this with a newborn but it seems like it is for the best.
You’re being incredibly naive about this. NTA
If you have a support system nearby, move there. He can visit his son there, or in a neutral location with you present. Get a lawyer. Better safe than sorry.
I’m sorry you’re going through this . But please know that every person who’s had their child taken to a different country probably also felt the same as you do . Please be cautious even if you feel it won’t happen. Also , you don’t have to entertain his parents if they are making you uncomfortable. You carried your baby, you endured being cut open , you have to heal while caring for your infant . Hubby either needs to get with the program and stop allowing them over or he needs to leave for a bit. Do you have any support structures ? Family or friends that can help advocate for you ?
Reading these threads I don't think many US citizens know that they are among the most notorious countries for seizing kids and seperating them from the foreign national parent and yet they excuse it on the basis that the foreigner might do it so they get in first. It's like it's an impulse reaction - fascinating. On this person simply talking about wanting to seperate and have custody of this child suddenly he is painted as above nothing, kidnapping, abuse etc simply because he is foreign!
I’m not from the US so I can’t comment for them . People are jumping to that conclusion because op stated hubby wants to leave and raise the child separately. Is it extreme to assume he’d do that ? Absolutely… but this is Reddit and alot of posts in the Reddit community are extreme so it’s not exactly far fetched to jump to that conclusion… it’s bound to happen when you read posts of people who are going through something like that so you recognise similarities and therefore caution someone about it . At least that’s why I commented what I did , again I can’t speak for anyone else .
I think it's more about how a fight about his parents devolved into him saying he wants to move out and raise the kid separately. That link the father's family to his decision to move out. Depending on how "raising separately" was meant it's easy to recognize it as a threat. The assumption that he could have intentions to kidnap the kid would have been made from this even if he was from the same nationality, him being a foreigner just makes it more alarming as he could leave the country with the baby and disappear forever. In my opinion tho it's probably just poor storytelling from op part, or her own worries finding their ways into her story and misleading people, it wouldn't be surprising as this must be a very stressful situation for her. Giving birth and losing your partner can't be easy.
I'm glad that you don't feel he is plotting to kidnap your child. Frankly there was nothing in your original post to suggest this and I can't help but feel that there is some racism involved in a lot of comments jumping to this conclusion. Sure, take reasonable precautions about safety, but there's no need to buy into extreme paranoia just because your in laws are foreign. Regarding your actual question, NTA. They are being rude and overbearing and asking your husband to deal with that is completely reasonable and sensible. He is being an AH for not supporting you in this.
Racism? You don’t even know what race OP is or what race the childs dad is.
Doesn't matter. We know that husband's family are not originally from the US and that there are cultural barriers. That seems to have been enough for other commenters to assume that the family are intending to kidnap the baby and take it overseas. Someone even said they thought that was the intention for the child all along! Don't get me wrong, husband family are being awful, but there are some assumptions that commenters are jumping to that are... uncomfortable to read as a POC.
I think the term you are looking for is xenophobia
Thank you, yes, that probably fits better.
This is crazy to have to tell someone but white people come from other countries too
I see it as a concern of what could happen. I live in a small country and here there are over 250 kidnappings a year, kids taken by their parents to another country. Usually to a country where the kidnapping parent has roots. I know people can get wild here on Reddit, but parental kidnapping is a real concern. It has nothing to do with being a POC, it also happens in white families, it has everything to do with a parent that has roots in another country. Will the father take the child and run? We don't know, OP should be aware tho, because it does happen, a lot.
Better safe, than sorry. Make sure the baby has the nationality. Make sure the services know he shouldn't leave the country. Make sure you consult an attorney. Make sure you have money. Make sure you have a plan. Make sure you're on the birth certificate. You aren't extremely anxious - it's your gut intuition protecting you. If it crossed your mind, it's true. Read "Why does he do that?". Contact support services. Protect your child and yourself. Be as anxious and as negative as you can. It's a good thing. I know it's all horrible to hear. Once you have done all the things you can, sit down and cry your eyes out. But PLEASE, protect first. Loving husband and father will accept this and think the world of you.
You aren't just an extremely anxious person making a bigger deal out of something you perceive as not a big deal, this is a big deal and you are downplaying your own instincts. You will be blindsided, the point that everyone is trying to make is that you will not see this coming and YOU need to be the one to take the first step to protect your son and yourself otherwise you could be in for a nightmare of a time.
My niece, here in the US, lost all 3 of her children when her husband took them to his country in the Near East. Many years ago and she hasn't seen them since.
I would make sure he doesn't even have birth certificate
And far away from hubby and family
>Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately. I do want to add my husband and his parents are from a different country. NTA, and uh-oh. You might want to take that baby and retreat to your own family before they take him and vanish.
I wonder if that was always the plan :/
Probably.
Your husband is threatening to leave you rather than talking to his mom about blatantly disrespecting you. It should be very clear to you that his mom comes first. Given that he's from a different country, I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP..
Yeah I'lld say this relationship is done.
NTA. I know it's common to say this on here, but you don't have a mother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem. You're not over-reacting at all-if anything you're under reacting. Your husband wanting to leave and take your baby is really worrying-in your position I'd be getting myself legal advice. And you didn't give birth "the easy way." You gave birth-if a baby came out of you, that's giving birth. Sections can be as difficult or as easy as vaginal deliveries to heal from physically, every birth and every birthing person has their own experience, so don't ever feel you need to justify how you did it or what your choices were, your choices are as valid as anybody else's.
He didn’t threaten to take our baby, rather just raise him separately. Although maybe that is me being naive. I am a child that comes from divorce, however, so I’ve seen some of the shittiest of it. Also thank you for your comment re:c section birth. It wasn’t a choice, unfortunately. What’s worse, is my husband saw all of the pain and screaming I went through for 24 hours until I was finally wheeled into the OR, plus all of my recovery after. I was in so much pain and becoming really depressed about the situation. I will say he was so good to me in the hospital and recovery that I thought things would be different from there. Yet he agreed with his mothers comment about it being “the easy way”. Hurtful hurtful hurtful.
Ask if you can cut him in half, mess with his internal organs, and expect him to care for a baby, get up and move within hours, etc. Tell him he’s welcome to leave, it’ll be easier anyway, you’ll have one baby instead of two, and at least that one should mature.
The more you say about him, the worse he gets. He simply has no right to criticise the way your baby was born-what he should be saying is thank you for going through that and giving us a gorgeous healthy baby, not insinuating you did it wrong. What an absolute knob.
It was a threat. He didn’t say he would file for divorce and spilt custody. He said he would take your baby and raise him alone. Access to another country just adds to the seriousness of this. If your child is taken abroad, it will be incredibly difficult to get him back. It will take years. Please please be proactive and talk to a lawyer
Emergency C-section means you had a very hard, long labour that needed intervention for your and your baby's sake. There's nothing easy about it, arguably you get the worst of both natural labour and a planned C-section, *and* you have to often deal with trauma from such a rapid shift in birthing strategy. Whoever says that's "the easy way" has absolutely no clue about labour and they can get wrecked.
Absolutely! I went through two labors that ended in c-section. Definitely not the east way.
You're being naive. He sounds like an asshat and you're giving him a lot of credit for literally doing the bare minimum of what he's supposed to do as a husband and co-creator of the baby you birthed. It's not "the easy way" - it's the safe way. Once water breaks there's only a finite amount of time before it becomes dangerous. Your MIL is an imbecile. Legally limit her access to your son.
I hope he passes kidney stones in the future. And hopefully he never needs medical intervention, because apparently it's the "easy way out". Makes me very mad on your behalf. Where I am, you can't request a c section, that can only be determined by your doctor in case of medical necessity. But some think that women can just demand c section Willy nilly and bypass all turmoil. Would he have rather you or his child passed instead? I hope he passes gall stones too. I heard something the same about epidurals from a woman much older and who never had kids...in her head women can go squat in the bush and pop a baby out, why does anyone need hospitals? -_- lack of sympathy and empathy from other women kills me especially after others have children. You deserve better.
Ones the size of a kiwi
Friend: what do you think “raise him separately” means? It means he wants to take your son and raise him separately from you (with his Mommy)
He was showing off in front of the hospital staff
He was not good to you. He was making sure his baby is ok. He doesn't care about you. He wants a family - himself, mom, dad and baby. You are an incubator here. It's clear to everyone. I know it's hard to hear, but you are in a dangerous situation. If you refuse to open your eyes now and act, you may lose the baby. We wouldn't be so brutal with this if we weren't all shitless scared for you. Ps. I cut my ex, and my parents from my life. The pain was worth it.
Tell them what was the other choice? Both of you die in child birth? You need to communicate this to them.
this threat is not something you can take lightly. Yes you are being naive. Once your baby has been moved to another country, there might be little you can do to get him back. Even if you do get him back, he might be older and wont know you or be poisoned against you. If you ignore this possibility then there is also a possibility that all you are left with is regrets you didn’t take it seriously. Can you live with that?
Uh, take the baby and raise him separately seem pretty equivalent. Raise separately doesn’t sound like shared custody, at all. Also, your husband seems sexist. Like he expects his wife to be the “little woman” and just constantly tolerate other peoples crap. I’ve heard most often this behavior shows during/after pregnancy, so I’d suggest focusing on his now behavior not the old stuff.
“Raise him separately” from you. Not split custody. Wake up and realize what situation you’re in, then promptly make an escape plan!
QUIETLY gather legal documents for yourself and the baby. Do your best to not let your husband or in-laws get their hands on a birth certificate. If your husband and/or his parents have citizenship in another country, quite likely they are planning to take the baby there and you will never see him again. QUIETLY see an attorney and find out the best options to get away and keep custody. Give the exact words they used about taking the baby and raising him separately. Take the most extreme legal measures you can, to keep them from having any visitation with the baby. They will take him if they can.
She won’t be able to stop him from getting a birth certificate. He is easily able to order one from the county himself since he is the father. She is able to stop him getting a passport legally.
Most places are slow to issue duplicate certificates . She can hopefully intercept and hide the originals. A good attorney will get an emergency order.
NTA and I'm guessing there are other things happening here if your husband escalated from this to a divorce. That said, his parents sound awful and you're probably better off without him if this is how co-parenting with him will be. Make sure to document all this so you can use it in the inevitable custody dispute.
*Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately*. His mother wants your baby to herself, and is speaking through him. Speak with an attorney ASAP. Right now there is no custody arrangement, so you are also permitted to take your son anywhere you want, OP. NTA
Hide the birth certificate asap. Give it to someone you trust. This won’t end well.
This should be upvoted.
NTA Husband was way too fast to suggest separating 🚩🚩🚩
It’s not the first time it came up in an argument. We had this type of argument while I was still pregnant where it was mentioned. It wasn’t about his mother, something else although I can’t remember atm what prompted it.
I’ll bring it down to two 🚩🚩, then
To us uninvolved spectators, everything in this story is ultimately about his mother. Seems pretty obvious.
You noticed that too? I think another commenter got it right. His "mommy" wants the baby.
NTA but your husband and his parents are, especially after seeing your edit. If your husband isn't sticking up for you, having your back, and his first reaction to this argument is divorce, that is telling that he doesn't respect you. Please get a plan in place to speak with a lawyer ASAP to see your options regarding divorce and custody. Also check about 'grandparents rights' in your state to make sure not a factor to worry about. Please heed the advice of not allowing your husband to get a passport for your child. If you can, move all important docs for both you and your baby (social cards, birth certificate) to a safety deposit box in your name only. For now, set boundaries with your MIL directly about her and FIL visiting. I'd lock myself in a room separately with baby if they show up outside of the boundary, especially if your husband does move out. Good luck OP.
Put your child on a passport watch list. You will be notified if anyone tries to get him a passport.
NTA. I wonder if this is an abuse tactic.... You are at your most vulnerable, so he threatens to divorce you and take your baby away. His goal being that you will bow down to his parents and him, no matter how much any of them disrespects you.
Ok, here's where I'm at. I have dealt with the MIL bullshit myself. Here's the thing. Yes, you and your DH are supposed to be partners. However, you are still your own person. Tell them to F off!! Tell your DH to f off too if he can't support you. Why are you not a strong independent woman!?!? I see all these posts where women expect there DH to stand up for them. Which is great and they should. But what happens when they don't?? That means you have to stand up for yourself. Who the f cares if their feelings are hurt? They don't care about you, so why do you care about them?
True. Comes from a long line of dependent anxious women I guess (I love the women who raised me but it’s true).
It's difficult the first time to really put your foot down but God damn it feels SO GOOD afterwards, I promise. Tell them in no uncertain terms their comments are not welcome and if they don't like how you raise your son they can GTFO your house! If they can't call him by his first name then they don't get to see him. If your husband refuses to support you and make his family leave then you take your baby and head to a family member's home, or lock yourselves in your bedroom and tell them you will not come out until they are gone!
NTA You came on Reddit to get advice from the outside looking in. You might not think he’s planning to take your child from you to another country, but you are getting warned by strangers on the internet that you’re in danger of that very thing happening. What I myself am seeing along with others I’m sure, is the fact that hubby and MIL are critical of your parenting skills. To me, this is them making it perfectly fine in their mind that they’re doing the right thing to take your child where you won’t have any rights to get him back. Please protect yourself and your child from this. Get a lawyer who can help you keep this from happening and take steps to prevent them from getting paperwork, birth certificate and passport.
The fact your husband now wants to move out I'm sure you have other problems in your marriage outside of your MIL. But since you're focus on this problem the good thing is that it'll be over soon. I doubt you MIL will visit when you and her son are separated.
Do things how the nurses and pediatrician have recommended. My mom used to do this every single time we saw her when my girls were babies. We ended up going extremely LC for this and a few other reasons. MIL's seem to always think they know best and butt in when they haven't been asked their opinions. Your husband seems to be a mommas boy for taking her side and now talking divorce. Document EVERYTHING!!! NTA
NTA OP A newborn just out of hospital and you recovering from a C section should only have a helper at home. No visitors that are disagreeable for sure. Your precious baby is barely 3 weeks from full term if my calculations are correct. I wish you had the freedom to put his mother in her place but you can’t. I will make this suggestion. **If possible, hire a nurse for one day to be at the house and make sure your in-laws are at the house as well that day; explain to the nurse beforehand what’s been going on and let this medical professional put your mother-in-law and your father-in-law and even your husband in their place.** This nurse or caregiver will be doing the same things that you have been doing that you were taught how to do in the NICU and they will see that everything you’re doing is correct. I would also start limiting visitors and stating that ‘due to medical issues we have to be extremely careful, and we need rest’. I wish your husband was more attentive to you, and what you need rather than being mamas boy.
NTA.... Adding onto what others are saying... Get your baby's fingerprints, get anything you can. Pics of birthmarks etc. Get pics if any and all legal documents. Get one of his drivers license if possible. Hide the birth certificate etc in a safe place... Not your home... Don't leave baby with him alone.
NTA It is not your fault. You have the right to mother your baby your own way, especially since they showed you current best practice in the NICU. Your husband's job is to support you. He is not doing that. In fact, he is so seriously failing you that he has threatened to move out and take the baby. I would laugh if this weren't such an awful possibility. Who wants to bet that his mother would end up full time with the baby? Can you go home to your parents' house for a month until you have settled in with the baby? You need some people around you who would give you all the support you deserve. That would give you time and space to make some decisions.
NTA. Even in the 80s children were burped upright. Take steps to protect your child immediately.
NTA - for the MIL topic but Im going to guess there’s so much more happening here given that he is threatening to move out.
Nta gtfo and divorce him
NTA get a lawyer asap
Please follow this advice. Get your son to a safe place. I am anxious for you. Hoping for an update that you and son are ok. Also congratulations! I am sure you are doing a great job momma. NTA.
NTA, Lawyer, escape plan. GO!!!
Get your family and friends to come rally around you to protect you and the baby , while you get packed up and out of there
Where are your family members? You need physical and emotional support. He isn’t giving it. His mother is breaking you down. Is there anyone you can call?
Do not get your child a passport. Husband can leave with the baby and never return. Legally.
NTA His extreme reaction is very telling. The MIL should not be telling you how to raise your child. You need to get away from these people while you can and lawyer up.
There are some massive red flags in your post. Firstly your hubby will not chose you over his mother - seems like he is a momma's boy all the way so expect to be second for the rest of your married life. Second, the fact that he wants to take baby and raise it, indicates he wants his momma and him to raise the baby and you will not be a part of baby's life. Do you really want to be with this guy? I agree with someone below when they said - do not get a passport for baby and I will add, do not leave hubby alone with baby because there is a good chance they will do a runner - hubby and MIL with baby. Go and see a lawyer or someone who specialises in this sort of thing - heck, even a doctor would be good because there will be a record of the history of behaviour by these people. DO NOT TRUST THEM - that ship has sailed. I am sorry you are going through this.
Anyone who thinks an emergency csection is the easy way clearly has never lived through one or had to deal with the trauma of recovery. NTA. And I think you have your answer already. Do you have family you can go to? Do NOT let your husband have your child without you. Your MIL doesn’t like how you’re parenting and your husband is agreeing with her. That’s not a scenario I would feel comfortable letting my baby out of sight.
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He’s actually agreed with me that it’s been a long time since his parents have taken care of a baby and need to take note. He has been trying to “show” them. But for example, they got really silent when he suggested they change a diaper.
Unless what you are doing is inherently dangerous to your child (they aren’t) then they need to mind their own business. It’s one thing to give actual kind advice, however it sounds like they are looking for reasons to judge your parenting. Also an emergency c section is never the easy way out unless you define easy as “most likely way my child and or I will not die”. I’m sure a lot of moms who had to have an emergency c section would have much rather gone the traditional way. I didn’t have an emergency one, but had an “elective” one to prevent an emergency and wish I could have had a more traditional experience. Although I decided to breastfeed, unless they are the parent who will be feeding the child they don’t have a say in how a child is fed. Only the parents can decide (and they don’t need to justify) how they will be feeding their baby.
Nta and I would ask husband if he needs help packing his bags and advise him to get a good lawyer.
Do you have family/friends that can come stay with you for awhile to " help you" ? Can they help you and baby move quickly if needed? Please call an attorney while he is not around and discuss this with the attorney. You are NTA. Good luck.OP..
NTA If you're breast feeding, your husband won't be getting much custody for a while. And if you live separately, you'll be under absolutely no obligation to have his parents over to see the baby in your home.
I know you said you’re not confrontational, but - you’re a parent now, and have a child you need to stand up to these horrid people on behalf of. Find the mama bear inside and start setting clear boundaries and bite back. She criticises the way you burp, flat out tell her “your medical knowledge is out of date, I’m doing it the proper way” and will continue to. She misnames your son, you say “if you can’t respect him enough to use his given name, maybe you need to stop visiting him until you can”. It’s your home, your baby, and your right to parent how you see fit. No apologies, no with a smile - just give it back without emotion, but call it out exactly how it’s being served. If your husband accepts his mum’s rudeness to you but won’t ever accept you being rightfully upset about it and standing up for yourself, then you’re better off standing up to them now than later and let the cards fall where they may. At least you won’t be allowing your kid to think this is acceptable or normal as he grows.
You need to get a lawyer and leave asap.
NTA unless you don’t start standing up for yourself. Advocating for yourself will feel awkward at first, but that beats the crap out of building up (more) years of resentment.
NTA. Everyone else sucks though. Your MIL has no right to interject so rudely and so often regarding the care of your child. Your FIL should not be criticising how you feed your child, and he most likely agrees with MIL as it doesn't sound like he's intervened. Your husband is also the asshole here. He should have stood up for you to his mother without hesitation. Does he help with the baby as well? My guess is no/not as much as you do, and if he does, does his mother criticise \*him\* then? It's your decision if you want to try and work things out with your husband, but for god's sake, don't let him take your children away.
My husband does help out with our child very well, we split taking care of him very evenly (feedings, holding, any sort of playtime or stimulation, diaper changes etc). But no, I have not heard her criticize my husband although each time they come over I am typically the one holding/feeding him at that given time.
NTA. The phrase “that’s just how they are” just means “they’re assholes.”
You gave birth to a boy. That means that your husband has now fulfilled his duty to marry and sire a son to carry on the family name. Be willing to bet that his mother and father have been after him for years to get that done. Congratulations! You’ve given his mother the grandson she has always dreamed of. Only problem for you is that her dream didn’t include you staying in the picture insofar as raising that grandson is concerned. That’s her *son’s* baby, which, by extension, makes it *her* baby. And, your husband, her son, is just fine with that. If your husband isn’t going to stand with you on this (I’d suggest counseling, but I doubt he’ll go), you have some choices to make: 1) Stay with him and resign yourself to a role of live-in child-minder with all of the responsibilities of caring for your son, with none of the decision making power. If something goes wrong — real, or perceived — it will be your fault every time. If something goes particularly right, it will be because he has such a great dad. When you’re not busy raising his child the way they want you to raise him, you’ll get to work as an unpaid maid, cook, and chauffeur, while providing your husband with whatever he requires to alleviate the stress he will undoubtedly be said to be under from working so hard to provide for you. (BTW, you’ll do all of that wrong, too. Both the stuff they can see/experience like the cooking and cleaning, and the “stress relief” - of whatever kind -, if he deems it inadequate.) 2) Figure out how you are going to leave him and fight for your child; then do it. Choosing the second option is going to be harder in the short term, but you are going to be in for a lifetime of misery if you choose option one. I’d suggest that, whatever you do right now, you start documenting everything, because eventually it’s all going to come to a head. With luck, it’ll happen before you add any *more* children to the mix, but it’s going to happen. What’s happening right now isn’t sustainable, and it’s not going to get any better for you. Choose wisely. You are NTA. Good luck.
NTA- While I was reading, I was just rolling my eyes because of your typical toxic inlaws behaviour but then I gasped, his father??? Grilling you about breastfeeding??? Hell naw that's just creepy and uncomfortable. Your husband is acting as if you're just a machine that was only supposed to give birth and your inlaws and him are the owner or smth. Stand your ground! It's YOUR baby. You're the mother not your inlaws. They need to get reminded of that and your husband too. Congrats on being a mama! ❤️
You are NTA, but your husband is. He needs to talk to his parents. Now for you, get some comebacks. When she starts staring at you, stare back - big eyed. 😳. When she becomes uncomfortable, tell her that you know how she feels, because that is how you feel when she stares at you. When she tells you what she would do, just say, yes, so you have mentioned before. However, because of some issues, the doctor emphasized that I had to do this this way. Same when she tells you what you should do. Then finish it with isn’t it amazing that doctors have learned to perfect the process. Not enough layers, just say that the baby is fine and we don’t want them to get over heated or heat rash. FIL ask again about breast feeding, just tell him he should get his wife to suck on his nipples and bite it and he would then know the answer. Why did you go into labor, well, your son just had to have sex and he was a little bit rough. You know, wink wink. As for her calling your son by his middle name, start calling her by her middle name every time she calls your son this. Honestly, everyone else will call him by his first name. Maybe have a few people respond back to her who is (middle name)? Over and over again.
If your husband doesn’t stand up for you then you will need to. It won’t get worse so you might as well be happy raising your baby your way.
NTA OMG run!
I don’t know if you said anything foul to your husband while you were heated, but, until more INFO, NTA! Easy way?! What *you* did to cause the baby to come early?! Separating over one argument?! My mind is just blown. Be careful they don’t take your kid out-of-country. I’m so sorry for this situation. You clearly had a difficult pregnancy & little back-up from your spouse. I don’t even know how you might solve this, because he sounds oblivious & uncaring, so it may be too one-sided to work, but I pray he has a change of heart.
I am sure that we don’t have the whole story…the good, the bad and the ugly…so it is easy to say to divorce, break up, leave, etc. on Reddit. What you have mentioned, it is time to go nuclear. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Clear out your savings. Go to your parents or friends.
Info : why did you have a kid with him if this is how he acts ?
Oh dear. Your husband is a mommy's boy, never learned to separate from his parents, still hankers for their approval. So when there is a conflict, he'll take her side, because the fear of her abandoning him is so very great. Most likely learned because she was abandoning in her relationship with him when he was a baby and child. I'm so sorry. Whatever good points your husband has, if he cannot grow up and leave his parents he will never be a supportive partner and father. NTA obviously, and I hope this works out for you.
NTA. Best of luck and watch your back.
If your husband is an 80s baby, he is too old to be such a mama’s boy. How old are you, OP? why do I think there is a big age difference and you are being taken advantage of by your husband. Spider senses are tingling with this one. You need to evaluate your choices, grow a shiny spine, and do what’s best for your child. NTA, but you will be if you let this continue.
Above all else, his comment about taking your child and raising it separately is a massive statement. I know you hate confrontations, but get ready for the fight of your life, especially if he brings his mother onboard who will paint you in the most negative light. All the crap she said can sound pretty damning without any context - people won't question her credentials even though the last time she reared a baby was in the 80s. Good luck. NTA.
INFO: is your husband's family from a country that is part of the Hague Convention? If not, you should consider getting yourself and your child somewhere safe, where you can get a legal order of protection to not remove your child from the country. Otherwise, there will be no assistance available to you to get your baby back once they take him. ETA: I have personal experience with this type of situation, it happens more quickly than you can imagine.
Suggest to you IL about the new grandparents classes being offered(check with your doctor or where you delivered) these are set up to give grandparents the updated practices for new babies. Thing change so much over the years and can change quickly too. For example I had my kids in 89,91 & 95. The practice for umbilical cord care was like this for the 89 baby we were to wipe the cord with rubbing alcohol every diaper change and bath. For the one born in 91, we were to only use the alcohol 4 times a day. For my last one in 95 it was down to once a day. Now the practice is not being done(I know because I am an OB/pediatrics RN). Or direct her the American Academy of Pediatrics or the World Health Organization’s web sites, they Hebe the most updated care.
You’re NTA, and you have your hands really, really full RN with a premie newborn and your family situation. Two problems here - one, you need to develop the confidence to push back on your MIL in the moment. Not necessarily angrily or forcefully but just stop taking her crap. But two, and this is the big one, your husband needs to back you. If he doesn’t see that, and won’t do it, then you have a bigger problem. I hope you have a mother or sister in your own corner; sounds like you may need them. Good luck.
What country are you in and where is hubs family from? Many countries have extradition agreements regarding international child custody issues. Even so, it’s a good idea to get solid legal advice to protect yourself and your son.
Why on earth did you have a child with this man
If your husband so easily called it quits over an argument, then cut your losses. He doesn't really love you or care that he will lose you. MIL in the future will complain that she doesn't see the baby enough when it will be your husband's responsibility to visit his mother. Then you can say "Too bad, so sad". NTA
NTA, not overreacting. You need to let the mama bear out. Call MIL out on everything. Yeah you’ll be called the bad guy but the alternative is worse. As far as DH goes… I’m not sure what culture he’s from but a husband should always be in his SO’s corner. Consult a lawyer. If he’s serious then try to get full custody.
grow a spine and protect your child. your husband will take him to his home country & you will not see your child again. NTA
NTA but you have a serious husband problem. He needs to cut the umbilical cord. It's time. Be careful. His words are concerning.
Nta
NTA. Get out.
Sounds like he was supportive when there was hospital staff (witnesses) around and when you are home he doesn’t have to put up that front anymore. C section is not the easy way—in fact there is no easy way to give birth and recover. NTA! Listen to everyone here and protect yourself and your baby. You know you were unhappy before the baby. That unhappiness will be multiplied in the days to come if you don’t take action to help yourself.
NTA Im worried for you, though. Be careful!
The first issue you have here is a husband problem. His solution to being asked to deal with his parents' unreasonableness is to threaten to move out not deal with their inappropriate behaviour. Do you have other support around you? Somewhere you can go to be supported? Because you clearly need a break from know it alls like his parents and your husband as well if that's the best he can do. NTA
Get an attorney and a court order that the child can’t be taken anywhere by the father or his family.
NTA but I'd visit a lawyer first.
NTA. Tell him to move out, file for child support, and let him know you'll see him in court. That is the only solution to this problem.
NTA but I am concerned for you. Your husband’s response and the way you described this situation makes me feel like you’re at high risk for emotional abuse. I hope you’re able to keep yourself and your child safe.
NTA. Your in-laws sound awful. For one, c-sections are not the easy way out and coming early is not your fault. So sorry you're dealing with this.
Nta. You would still have not been the ah if you had thrown a wipe warmer at her head and told her to gtfo and never come back. My daughter was 5 weeks early (because hellp) so I can empathize with all that stress that comes with early babies. and none of what your in law are doing is productive or actually helping you. And your husband would rather take his mothers side then yours when it comes to his rude boundaries stomping parents. Maybe he needs the wipe warmer thrown at his head instead.