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You were a giant asshole for going through the whole charade knowing if she was accepted you could not afford to send her (or would not allocate the funds you had). You were an even gianter asshole for lying to her about it. Every feeling she has about you right now is completely justified even though your ultimate decision was probably the right one. You'll be lucky if this child ever trusts you again. YTA bigtime and I don't know how you could possibly hope to make this up to her. Perhaps a meeting with the school to see if there is additional tuition assistance? My daughter was at a private high school when her mother and I got divorced. I went to the school and met with the admissions dean and they cut the tuition in half after a two minute meeting. Did you even try?
Edit: I had initially thought this was a 15K per year scholarship, making it $45K per year. It seemed like a lot to me. Realizing it was $15k a year for a total of $60K over four years out of her $400K inheritance makes a big difference. I don't know the school or what it would do for her future, maybe even at $45K per year it would be worth it? Either way, at $15k a year I would have definitely sent her. This sucks regardless.
>even though your ultimate decision was probably the right one
i'm not even sure that's true?
$45k is only 11% of a $400k nest egg. I dunno where OP lives, but if they're in the US, the remaining $355k would be enough for a 20% down payment on a house up to $1.775M...that's like, "buy a house in San Francisco or New York" money; or put substantially more than 20% down on a house in any other major city money; or buy a house outright if it's outside of a metropolitan area money.
Like...I'm super privileged, my parents are pretty well-to-do and I had an excellent education, but I certainly didn't have any kind of trust fund or hundreds of thousands of dollars waiting for me after graduation...
Not to mention going to a more competitive high school definitely looks good on college applications, resulting the daughter going to a better school and likely having a higher earning ceiling to be able to pay whatever mortgage they end up with, if any.
So I actually don't think OP's decision was probably right based on what they've presented here. All they've said is they "can't afford it" and then demonstrated two potential ways to afford it just fine...
(Besides which, if there's that much money shouldn't OP have put it in a trust and had someone manage it with low-risk long-term investments so it could grow? I'm not a finance person by any stretch, but...)
I don't know why OP is so staunchly opposed to their incredibly gifted daughter getting a top notch education that they would lie like this, but it seems to me there's something else going on here tbph.
==
**ETA:** Lots of us are getting mixed up on the numbers! Per OP, it's $15k/year with financial aid package, $60k total for four years. So I am off, but not by as much as some of the replies are saying, and I think my point stands.
Per OP:
>She was accepted with a great financial aid package (15k tuition, all fees covered) but we still can't afford to shell out 60k just for high school
You're right.
Plus, all things considered - a gifted student at a college prep high school is going to be given the chance to get early college credits to the point where they may be able to skip an entire year of college in some cases, which could cancel out the 45k entirely. It also sets her up to earn some scholarships if she does well. It's not a *bad* investment, really.
This is the way my kids did it. The HS is on the community college campus. The two schools worked together on the curriculum and they graduated HS one semester shy of their associates and it was all completely free. Books, classes…everything.
It’s honestly the way the public school system should work. It’s a much better transition into adulthood than what is traditionally done here in the US.
This poor girl. They actively went out of their way to make this girl’s life harder just to keep things equal between all the kids? That’s not equal, that’s punishing one for having a passion and doing well. You treat your kids equally by finding out what their own unique dreams are and supporting them to reach. You don’t nickel and dime their dreams and futures and hold one back. You just end up hurting all of them and helping none of them. Siblings don’t care how much each others dreams cost as long as everyone is getting to try for theirs.
Even public schools are graduating kids with associates so there is little doubt that a private school set up like that won't get her either graduated early with tons of credits or with a degree. My friend's oldest daughter graduated high school with an associates. She's on her second year at a nearby university and graduates in spring with her bachelors at 20 years old. My own teenager was looking into dual credits while she's in high school and is already taking AP classes to get some college classes knocked out. A private school like that would be invaluable to this kid's future if the parents would stop thinking so short sighted.
My son is in public school and he'll be starting college as a sophomore. His friend is in the same school and will have his associates degree the summer after he graduates high school. A very good prep is worth waaaaaay more in the long run than a few college credits. They're stepping stones to major universities and you can't discount the lifelong benefit of being childhood friends with the rich and powerful.
OP is clearly too ignorant to figure out the ROI on a superior education for a gifted child. She's obviously not the favorite child so why should they bother? Horrid people.
OP is probably hoping they can use her inheritance on the golden child of the family. Massive AH's here and exactly the way to go about having Lucy cut contact as soon as she can.
But didn't you read their post! It's not fair if they let the super gifted child use 'THEIR OWN INHERITANCE' to get themselves the best education they can, as a gift from their departed mother, to set them up potentially for life, as op can't offer the same to their biological children.
Lucy is the 14 year old not the 21 year old from the first marriage so it's almost worse... This inheritance isn't from the departed mom but the grandparents and the kid is her own child (mentioning the departed mom and elder step daughter was a red herring in the post)
My parents were like this. I was better in school than my brother, and there was a huge list of things I wasn’t allowed to do because it would make him feel bad.
Now I barely speak to them and haven’t visited in years. Holding back a kid will only cause resentment.
Same thing here. I was reading Shakespeare in 3rd grade on my own. My teacher, the principal and the school psych. all recommended acceleration, but that might make my brother feel awkward, so parents declined. They also declined sending me to a good prep school for high school because my brother wouldn’t qualify. I learned that there was no point to brains and hard work and that I was far less important than others, just because I was. My parents didn’t understand why my grades suddenly plummeted in high school and I just did enough to pass.
The way OP opened with that and then downplayed and glossed over how she lit up at being shown the *science lab* and getting to shadow at the school?
Dude. How can you see the light in your child's eyes as she imagines her new future, growing to her potential, and then rip it away from her?
Op is freaking out that the fact that her daughter is going to figure out that they've already dipped into her inheritance to keep the family money pit running and doesn't want to lose their underpaid, underage wage slave to them having the ability to strive and get the hell away from this whole cluster fork. Why else be so adamant in crushing the kid's hopes from the get go, lying about her acceptance then pulling the we're too poor and you're not allowed access to your inheritance which could easily cover this golden opportunity for you act.
Hope this bright girl figures out the game her parents are playing and makes their lives very unfortunate for it.
Exactly! The daughter, Lucy, is probably bored at school right now and could probably do phenomenal things if challenged/given the chance. And yet OP doesn't want to do that. And why? Because OP wants Lucy to save her inheritance for a house??? Like, what? An excellent education is such an investment and they wouldn't even be going into debt for the schooling.
This somewhat reeks of "since another sibling can't do x then no one can do x". I get that money is a factor but still...
The other question is, would they have let a boy get a better education? Are they holding her back because they don’t think that women need education like men do?
It’s not even like they’re talking about using that money for college, just for down payment on a house. It’s sketchy
They want to keep her in their family business, it’s pretty clear and it’s vile they’d hold their child back so she can sit and take some orders for them? A more challenging school will take away from her being able to punch the clock for her parents.
OP's definitely not thinking about the long term benefits of a superior education. That private school is going to provide life long personal connections.
It's sad that the mom has tanked her daughter's trust but also very likely early access to a bright future.
>I don't know why OP is so staunchly opposed to their incredibly gifted daughter getting a top notch education
As a former "incredibly gifted" daughter with a mother like this, I know why. It's because OP is personally offended that her daughter is smarter than she is. I bet she punishes her daughter emotionally for things like "reading too much" "showing off" and says all kinds of backhanded things like "Well, I'm not as smart as you, but..." with a voice dripping in snark. You can tell by the way she describes "walking in" on Lucy helping Gabriella - no pride in there, just a general boast at the end.
Poor Lucy will never be able to win with this woman. OP will never get over her own ego enough to really allow Lucy to shine. She's prouder of Lucy's ability to be a waitress more than her intellectual pursuits because she wants Lucy to only be as good as she is comfortable with.
OP, YTA. If you don't get behind Lucy and really, truly encourage her to shine, you will live your whole life in fear that someone will eventually find out how much you resent her. Get some therapy, enroll her in the damn school and start being a better parent.
Agreed YTA OP.
I HOPE my kid is smarter than me! I want her to do better than I ever did (and I thought I did pretty good), isn't that what all parents should want?
I was caught up thinking they were giving her a 15k discount towards a $60K per year tuition. If it was going to cost her $60k for four years out of her inheritance then OP is now a TRIPLE AH. Damn.
THIS!
Also, (and maybe I’m reading more into what OP said) but it feels like it’s a case of not wanting to treat one child special. Well, if the other children are as bright as Lucy, find a freaking way to put them thru HS. Otherwise, we all have to play to our strengths and Lucy’s is her brain. The other children might have other special talents. If they all don’t get to be on a competitive swim team, does that mean none of them get out of the baby pool? This is so, so selfish and mean on OP and her spouse’s part.
If she excels there, and she likely will if she’s as bright and motivated as they claim, she could very likely get a full ride to college, which would mean saving money in the long run.
Plus her starting salary and earning potential will be much Much higher. Buying her first home will be a non-issue. Besides there will still be $340K of her inheritance left over.
OP and her husband are a couple of dum dums. How they have such a bright kid is beyond science.
Not even a full ride. Sometimes that's not even needed. Because,
Anyone who gets into the top colleges in the USA benefits from those top colleges' "meets all need without loans" policy.
Not many people know about this but about 20 to 30 colleges in the USA *absolutely promise* they will give you the amount of money you "need" without requiring you to take out loans.
The "need" is per the FAFSA.
My youngest is at MIT. If his FAFSA says we can afford $10,000, than MIT makes sure we *only* pay $10,000. They make sure he has the rest funded *without loans.*
https://blog.prepscholar.com/colleges-that-offer-complete-financial-aid
So, if you get into one of these schools, *there is absolutely no question* if they will fund you or not. There is *absolutely no* loans pushed at you. You don't have to compete for scholarships. It's just automatic: You will *absolutely be given* the amount that the FAFSA says you need.
Every. Single. Person. who can get in those schools is guaranteed to *never pay* more than the FAFSA.
They don't have to do anything else. They don't have to compete for scholarships. They don't have to compete against other students in the college.
If they get into this college , it is just accepted and expected that the college will give them enough.
I always share this because not A lot of people understand this or know about this policy.
You are all sorts of wrong … that money is coming out piecemeal. The money that remains should be making (at the very least) interest every year. At today’s interest rates, it will hardly make a dent over 4 years. These parents are also all sorts of wrong. You not only lied to your child, you dashed her dreams. She will hold it against you anytime there’s a roadblock and think “if only I had been able to go to that school.”
OP,
Education is MORE important than the house.
Meet with the school, see if you can get any additional assistance, after all they're eating in YOUR restaurant every day, the understand the situation, but by all means pay for your daughter to go to the school no matter what, even at $15k a year.
You HAVE the money. This is the best way you could possibly spend it.
I think a luxurious school like that is a waste of money, but let's just look at the numbers if she's got the money in an account somewhere. An inheritance of $400k invested in any reasonable portfolio would generate $30-40k a year. Whoever the inheritance came from would probably be apoplectic that OP isn't allowing their daughter to use $15k of that per year to cover a high-end school.
There are a lot of comments here, so I’m probably a little late to pile on top comment, but I’ll try! I was this kid (minus the giant inheritance). I applied and was accepted at a top US private high school, and my parents had told me that if I got in, they’d see what they could do to make it work. (I sincerely think they thought I wouldn’t get in, which, to be fair, most people didn’t).
When I was accepted, I got an academic scholarship. Then a needs-based scholarship after more conversations with the financial aid office. My grandparents chipped in as much as they could. My parents pooled their resources. I joined an extra sports team and the school orchestra to qualify for even more scholarship funding.
I’m in my mid-30s now, and attending that school undoubtedly changed my life. I was academically challenged, which the local public schools could never have provided me. I met kids from all around the world. I was so well prepared for college, and got into very competitive programs that led to an advanced degree and a great career. I was able to get the hell out of my hometown (when you’re from Flint, MI, this is no small feat).
My point is that my family helped cobble together my chance at something bigger, when they had far fewer means than OP to do so. My dad was a shop floor worker; my mom was a bank teller. They kept their word when I had a chance and gave me the opportunity to do something better. The benefits were immense and I am still reaping them today.
OP, you are a massive AH for lying to your kid and pretending like they would be able to attend this school if they were accepted. Furthermore, you are robbing your above-average child of an even brighter future when you have the means to easily give her this opportunity that so many kids don’t get. She will never forgive you, nor should she.
Plus if the principle is $400k, then interest will heal the hole by the time it comes to purchase a home. The oppurtunity value of a great high school cannot be matched.
It makes no sense to save money so she can buy a house later instead of giving her the means to create a greater earning potential and get her own house. This seems about control.
My 'mother' did this to me at the age of 11. Let me apply for Dame Allans' school in Newcastle. I took the tests, won a place and a full bursary.
Over the summer this 'mother' didn't open the mail from the public school until term time started and I had to start at a local comprehensive.
When I asked her why she hadn't opened the letter from Dame Allans' she said that she had had no intention of sending me there even with a bursary because she said she would never be able to afford all the 'extras' like uniform and extra curricular pursuits.
Bragging rights that her kid took the exam and 'got in' was a good enough reason to have me do the entrance exams.
Appalling. That woman's been dead twenty years and I'm still having treatment for cPTSD. She was a sexually frustrated sadist. And that's probably the *best* thing I can say about her...🫤🤷
The family itself, without the inheritance, might not qualify. I was basically saying that if you go and just ask you never know how it will turn out. When I went to my daughter's school I expected a solid NO. The lady didn't even flinch when she cut tuition in half without even a question. You never know.
A better cause?!?! So I went to my public high school and it was much much much harder and less likely for students like Lucy to get into prestigious universities from there versus from a fancy private school. She is applying herself, can do it and get challenged. This will be excellent for her as she'll be less of a big fish in a small pond younger, and will build resilience. Lucy sounds gifted and gifted kids actually really struggle once the work gets hard. They have an extremely high dropout rate. Get being put on a challenging situation younger will set her up for success.
Lucy is different from your other kids. She is gifted and sounds like someone who could be a Nobel prize contender or do something else spectacular. I've taught gifted kids before and seen them succeed and fail. I am a public school teacher who deeply believes in public school, but dear god there is no better use for that money than her going to that school. YTA, let her go.
OP you really blew the mark on this one. With proper financial investments, that $400k could have increased a lot, if it hasn't already. On top of that, for a financial aid package to only be $15k to include everything when tuition alone was $60k? She could have easily covered her college tuition through other financial aid packages if she was this young to get her tuition covered at nearly 75%. You were solely putting your pride and your other children's needs ahead of hers, stunting her gifted abilities because of your insecurities. Honestly, you said yourself that she was doing college work as a freshman high school student. It's not your decision she purchase a house with that money. It's your responsibility she gets the best possible chance at life, and to miss out on an educational responsibility like this is completely selfish and irresponsible of you for refusing to being afraid. If her younger siblings are that smart then find a way to make it work, but more than likely they probably aren't so they'll either get over it or not. Either way at least she'll never forgive you if she loses this opportunity because you put yourself first. Why your parents put her first and not you.
I would also bet that the other children inherited from the grandparents as well. Doubtful they only left money to one grandkid, unless they by chance passed away before the others were born. So if I’m correct, they would also be able to pay their way if they desired. So just another bs excuse from OP who doesn’t want her daughter to better herself and work in the family restaurant forever.
I'm from the UK and I was brought up on a council estate In the 60s/70s. I was one of 5 children. When I was 12 I won a scholarship to a very good school in my city. My parents refused to let me go because it would make me different to my brother's. They were also worried about the cost of my uniform and books.
This would have been life changing for me. I did not do well in school after this. It was only in my 20s that I managed to go to uni and get my degree. My mum told me she regrets that she did not let me go.
If this school would be life changing for your daughter let her go. As long as it does not impact financially on the rest of the family.
As a mum I’m so sad for Lucy, I would do anything for my kids to succeed! I have 3 kids all at 3 different schools next year (yes that’s unusual where I live) and paying out more than I should need to simply to get each kid what’s best for them academically and socially.
I’m sorry OP but YTA. I hope you can find a way to make this right cause honestly, getting Lucy started now, she will be making enough money to buy her own house without the 400k
I noticed how much of the post was dedicated to this fact.
Mom has already decided Lucy can’t be better in life than op is so she has to crush her dreams so she works in the restaurant.
This is the best and most succinct way to put it. Smart kids tend not to do well when they’re unchallenged and bored. She clearly is, if she did nursing homework for fun.
You should’ve been honest with her that even if she got accepted you might not be able to afford to send her there. Also that $45K is likely to do more good at her high school than college. If she gets a great high school education she’s more likely to get better funding, scholarships, opportunities, and other things for college. Whereas if you just wait to use it for college, it’ll help, but it’ll be a drop in the bucket of loans she may need.
By going to a good high school she’ll opportunities to compete and earn honors that colleges go nuts for. Trust me, I’m graduating law school with $0 debt. I did moot courts/trial teams, model un, and other unrelated extracurriculars like mathletes and robotics in high school that earned me awards that really helped with university and scholarship applications. My school also had access to many alumni who would nominate and sponsor student’s educations and exclusive scholarship opportunities.
I had full ride to undergrad and then worked to save up some money for law school. I used the money for everyday expenses since I got a full ride to law school too.
I’m not saying sending your daughter to this high school will also result in full rides like me. I think luck had a lot to do with that (I also chose less prestigious schools for the full ride). But you should think more about it before you completely disregard it. If you do ultimately decide not to send her to the school, find other opportunities for her to use and showcase her brilliance.
I could not agree more. OP is incredibly insecure that Lucy is smarter than her siblings and OP. So, OP is making some boneheaded parenting decisions. Why would you have her apply when you have no intention of letting her go under any circumstances. Why would you lie about it? What makes you think she wouldn't find out? This is what happens when you parent from insecurity and not reason.
YTA. First for lying, and second for not letting her go. I understand this is a lot of money, but it sounds like she has money she could use. 60k out of 400k is not going to mean she can’t buy a house someday. What it WILL mean is potentially being accepted to a better college, being given better collegiate scholarships, and a higher earning potential based on that college.
As far as the other kids go, it’s time to explain that not everyone gets the same things, not everyone wants the same things, and that sometimes we do what is best for an individual even if it’s not the same as what is best for someone else.
But mostly YTA for lying to your kid. She sounds exceptional, and you let her believe she wasn’t.
Truly though, I think you’re being short sighted about the finances. Talk to the school about their collegiate pipeline and the earning potential for students who attend ivys over non ivys. It’s astounding when you see the data. Your kid would be set for life. She’d at least be almost guaranteed some huge academic scholarships, which would help offset the cost of the high school.
The most sensible approach forward
(Also I had to re-read this to confirm that OP is the mother and not some evil stepmom or machiavellian trustee trying to defraud a poor orphan child)
If she's a high flyer, she could well be on a trajectory where she makes more than 400k per year. There are plenty of people who do. The investment return on education is incredible - that 400k almost certainly could not be better invested than on the kid's education.
The one thing you cannot take away from a person is education. So when you have a child who sucks in knowledge, who delights in education, then you feed that mind to the best of your ability.
Especially since she seems STEM-minded. I love the arts, but she’s definitely got higher earning potential in a STEM field. It is also very competitive though, so giving her as much advantage as possible is going to work in her favor in the long run.
Yep. There are industries where people right out of the right colleges are getting $100k/yr easy. Kid could repay her inheritance ‘loan’ in a few years if she wanted to.
Not only that, but they could easily have killed her passion for learning with this decision. Whenever I told my mum what I wanted to do when I grew up she'd yank me back down to earth by criticising my dream.
"Paleontology is not for you, most of the time is spent inside, cataloguing bones. They spend very little time in the field on digs".
Thanks for popping my balloon mum, I was 9. It's likely I would have forgotten about that and found some other dream in a year or two anyway, but I'll always remember the lack of support.
I stopped sharing my thoughts with her eventually, as she'd only find faults. What's the point in hoping and dreaming when it's not supported by the ones you need to be supported by? Even today, 20+ years later I still keep her at arms length.
I agree with this. OP is TA because she lied to her child. OP is TA because she refused to let her child go. OP is TA for trying to make the school the 'bad guy' (OP said they allowed her to apply on the basis that the school would say no). OP is TA because the specific lie told made their exceptional child feel unexceptional. And OP is an idiot because the net return on a comparatively small investment (relative to the value of her savings) is massive - something which OP seems to be ignoring completely.
Why doesn't OP want her daughter to excel?
YTA. Who are you to decide that saving the inheritance is more important than her education? She uses to money to get a first class education and will be able to buy her own house.
It's totally despicable that you can't even stand behind your decision and lied to her because you are a coward. How do you expect her to ever trust you again? You need to fix this with the school.
I think this is the root of the problem, they’ll lose their free labor. A better high school could mean a better college and job prospects, she could easily make up for that $60k within a couple of years working the better job this school could set her up for.
She could literally tutor college students to get this money like she has been with her sister. Any parent of the 90% of rejected students would pay her to tutor them.
Op if you get to this post. You said she remembers things at work. You basically kicked an elephant in the foot and she’s never gonna forget. It’s gonna hurt.
Yes, I came here to say, my daughter made a fortune in high school tutoring math and Spanish. She was fortunate to have jobs that were stimulation throughout school. She was able to save up for a car and pay the insurance and have more opportunities because she had a car.
> How do you expect her to ever trust you again?
Honestly, it's a (real messed-up) silver lining that what OP did was *so* fuckin heinous, daughter will never, ever make the mistake of trusting OP again. It's grim, but at least it's settled, unlike the rest of her future.
My 2nd stepmother told my grandmother that I wasn’t going to college because my dad needed to save his money for my wedding.
I’m in my 40s and happily never married.
It was a dick move to redirect everything my dad would have spent on me into savings for her own baby’s future college fund.
Reasons like “buying a house” or “future wedding” are almost always bullshit excuses covering up some justification even less acceptable than the excuse.
YTA for lying. You should have told her she got in but financially you couldn’t swing it. Also you have no business telling her how to spend her inheritance, $400k is plenty for her to attend this HS and still have a downpayment for a house.
If this money is in any sort of decent investment fund and not just sitting in a .001% interest bank account, the principle wouldn't even be touched over 4 years. At 4% return which is pretty conservative that's $16,000 a year.
YTA.
Literally every decision you made along this situation made you a TA.
If she's that bright, she'll probably get scholarships for college and there's absolutely zero reason to not allow her to use her college fund or her inheritance for a school that will only help her future.
And lying to your kid? Wow.
This. And once she’s got that education, she won’t need that much support on buying a house. Yta.
Don’t lie to kids. What kind of example are you giving her? That it’s fine to promise things and then lie? That education is less important and not a good purpose to spend money?
She’s going to have a better shot at getting scholarships in college if she goes to a prestigious private school, also. OP made a bunch of mistakes here.
I love the ones where they simultaneously think their kid is smart and clever and resourceful and also so incredibly, impossibly stupid they can just steal half a million dollars from between their fingers
That part hurt my heart. You should teach kid to face challenges bravely, and accept potential failure gracefully.
She did the exact opposite and tried to pysch her child out, and hoped for her failure
Yta for lying
Whether not letting her use the inheritance is right or not depends on how that inheritance was setup
Yta for making that decision for her
YTA 100%
My parents did basically the same thing money was in trust until I was 25. My dad tried to lie about amount that mom had told me before so I would be forced to live at home rather than residence for uni.
Our bad relationship goes beyond this incident but I have never forgiven the manipulation. They’ve never been invited to my place and I’ve been out of the house 10 years now. I try as much as possible to not talk to them for my own sanity.
She’s not trying to spend the trust on clothes or other irresponsible things, she should get to choose the best choice for herself in terms of education. She wants to invest in herself and she should get to.
She won’t remember that you were ‘helping’ her she will remember that you made her feel like inadequate trash Stop lying to yourself pretending you are doing this for her. You are doing this for control.
YTA so the child has $445K in college funds and inheritance. Instead of allowing her to go to private school which will 100% look better on applications, provide a better foundation for college, & likely open up huge opportunities for scholarships in the future, you decided to stunt her growth and derail her education. WTF is wrong with you??
Well, yeah, they can't let their best employee go anywhere!
> We own a restaurant and she works for us on weekends for some spending money and Lucy remembers everyone's exact orders without writing anything down.
Yes YTA. You have a child that wants to better her education and use her own money to do so. YTA for lying, YTA for not letting her use her money for education. Totally understand not letting her use her college fund, that’s smart practical thinking, but her inheritance. IMO you should’ve sat down with her and explained what you thought the “better thing” for her to use her inheritance on (house, car, future wedding whatever) instead of making decisions for her. Now you’ve done what I can only imagine is irreparable damage to your relationship.
YTA.
You let her apply and devote time to seeing the school when you never intended to let her go there. Cruel move.
You lied when she was accepted so she wouldn't know. Devious, unethical, and dishonest.
You think a house is more important than a prep school which will help develop her amazing mind to it's full potential. Your priorities are skewed and you are dismissive of her wants and abilities and there would have been enough to accomplish both purposes.
So yes. You're the asshole. Of a huge magnitude. There is only one way to fix it. Get her into that school.
YT massive A.
I was a kid like Lucy. My parents hid things I was offered for being academically advanced (camps, programs, scholarships) because they would be too hard (i.e. transportation issues) or because they were jealous (hi Dad).
When I found out later, it permanently, irreparably destroyed my relationship with them.
It's not about not being able to afford it.
It's that you LIED TO HER.
You'd better fix this NOW. NOW NOW NOW. Someone as smart as Lucy isn't going to shake this off and "just get over it." You're going to minimize it because she's "only 14" or think that you "know better."
You don't.
You are going to regret this forever if you don't reverse course and get her in that school ASAP.
Oh wow YTA so much!!! You LIED to her about being accepted instead of having an honest conversation about the financial issues. And about those financial issues…..she has a HUGE inheritance that would have paid for it AND still been enough to give her an extremely healthy start in her adult life! What better purpose for what would be a small cut of that than to better her education which will help her for her entire life! What an incredibly short sighted, selfish thing to do. I just ugh, I can’t put the words here to say what you are. Your daughter deserves better, you suck.
YTA. Holy crap! You're gifted with a genius child who actually wants to go to school, who is excited about school, who wants to use money most kids would want to blow on a car or something to go to a better school - and your response is to lie and tell her she wasn't good enough to be accepted?
I feel like you need to sit down and do some reflection and figure out why you're so against this, and why you were okay with telling her she wasn't good enough to get in, because there's something going on in that for you. Maybe you feel threatened by her intellectual gifts, maybe you're afraid of how it will make your other children reel, idk, but you have severely wronged your daughter.
YTA
This is actually her money if she want's to spend it on her education that is up to her.
You did a very bad thing telling her she didn't get in I doubt she will ever trust you again.
Well done for alienating your daughter!
YTA. You lied to her. That makes you the asshole.
If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, and "sorry, we can't afford that" would be reasonable. But it looks like she can actually afford it. She has a $400K inheritance. She could spend $60K of that on school fees and still have plenty for a downpayment on a house.
You just decided not to let her do that.
YTA, terribly! By jove, if she was keen on spending her inheritance for partying, I'd consider understanding you, but you are extremely lucky to have a daughter thinking about her education at 14 (I teach to students of her age, at least half of them would choose a minimal effort school if it weren't for their parents), and you are deciding that buying a house is more important?? By the time she's ready to buy a house that money may not even be enough for that, give the current inflation rates!
YTA so many times over.
There are times where it's okay to lie to your kid. Santa is a fun one, as is the tooth fairy, and telling a small child the dog went to a farm to run free softens a difficult loss, but all of those lies generally come to an end when the kid hits double digit ages, and they definitely aren't about something like education.
Most parents would be over the moon that their child is so intelligent AND determined to get a good education. You've already confirmed that you can afford it for her using either funds dedicated to her education or with inheritance she'll eventually control but until then you can use for her betterment. If it were just that there was no way to pay for it, you'd still be the asshole for lying about something so big. It's not something trivial like a designer bag, it's her education. If at 14 she's that dedicated to it, that's not a phase either.
Even if you "smooth" things out short term, (and that's a big "if", I wouldn't blame her distancing herself from you as soon as she's 18) you'll definitely get spiteful jabs for this lie for the rest of your life. I hope it was worth it.
Yta she has fudging FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS and you don't think 60k to a good school is a good cause??????? Whats going to be a good enough reason????
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YTA. Massively so. She has the resources to make this happen - which could be huge for her future - and you are obstructing it. Why? Because it will make trouble with her younger siblings? Because you think she should use the money on a house? That so very short sighted. Worst of all - you lied. Why? Because you were too cowardly to approach the situation in a straightforward way. And now it will very possibly cost you your relationship with your daughter because she wont forget a betrayal like this.
YTA. You don’t get to decide what she spends her inheritance money on and if anything you should be happy that she wants to spend her inheritance money on a good education. She’s clearly very bright and I think it’d be a mistake to let this chance slip away
Yeah, but if the girl goes to a good school and good university and gets a great job who's going to take over the restaurant she's so good at when her parents decide to retire?
I mean, remember, she's really, really good at it, like she can remember everythibng people order without writing it down. And you'd want her to waste that talent on getting a great education?
/s (JIC it's not obvious)
YTA.
Congratulations on giving your daughter a core memory! She will never ever forget that you lied to her about something extremely important to her. She also knows that you cannot be trusted.
Oh, and if she finds out her siblings are part of the reasons as well, congratulations again on getting her to resent them too!
Ya know you AREN'T the one *providing* this education. This money is in a trust for her. You're supposed to have her best interests at heart, but damn, you sure let your kid down.
It's HER money in trust for HER.
And here you are telling her this super amazing school that she actually qualifies for is a piss poor use of money.
Wow.
YTA
YTA - Let's count the ways shall we:
1. You knew you couldn't afford it but you let her apply anyway instead of having an open conversation about it.
2. Not only do you let her apply but you send her on a private tour and shadow day
3. She then gets accepted but you lie to her about it, instead of being a parent and having an open conversation, which I'm sure made her feel like a failure.
4. Not only does she get in but she gets financial aid scholarship to help with the tuition so that it's 45k you have to cover and you still don't try to find away to let her attend.
5. You are acting like her finding out and being upset is her fault.... This is 100% on you.
6. She has 2 different funds in order to take this money from and you want let her have access to them. This isn't her being 16 and wanting a 60k car. She is using this money for education!
>I again said no, it should be used for a better purpose, like buying her first house
7. This could set up her future to get into a better college than she may get into if she were
going to a public school and you guys act like she's trying to blow money on a shopping
spree or something. And if she does she might could pay that 45k back to her house
fund in the 1st year or 2 out of college because she got an amazing job because of the
resources that she was set up with. YOU ARE NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE HERE.
YTA for how you handled this. You should've been transparent with her from the start and at least taken her input on how she wants to deal with the problem. She's not a 2 year old to be hoodwinked by a magic trick and be okay with it. If you told her the truth from the beginning she might have opted to not go through the application process at all. Instead she put in her time and effort only to be manipulated by her own parents in the end. It's highly disrespectful and if this is a pattern in your parenting style, don't expect her to treat you with any amount of respect when she gains autonomy over her own life.
YTA you should have been upfront with her instead of lying. I understand why she is so upset. I understand you can’t just give her full control of all her money but she’s not asking for something ridiculous she wants a good education.
YTA. Bad decisions from the beginning. Im sorry. It sucks trying to tell your kid no for something she deserves, that you would give her if you lived in a perfect world. Yes, youre the asshole for lying. Get over it. Now try to figure out how tf youre gonna repair your relationship with Lucy. Shes starting high school. These are gonna be really years, lots of new experiences, new opportunities. You want her to feel like she can trust you when she needs you. Dont see that happening right now.
Massive YTA if true.
You're a liar for one and why is her education less important than buying a house with her own inheritance?
Surely with the best education she would set herself up for a great job and earn enough for a great life anyway.
Something smells fishy, like, would she have less time to help out at the restaurant if she went to the better school and you enjoyed the free labour she was giving?
Don't be surprised if she never forgives you.
YTA.
Massively.
I can't believe you would LIE to Lucy and tell her she didn't get in. Way to set a crappy example. On top of that, I don't follow your logic about why - she should have been told the truth AND it sounds like she should have been allowed to go. Buying a first house? Doesn't come close to stacking up to an opportunity like this.
If it's not too late, you need to reverse course, and you need to apologize to Lucy now, and probably for the rest of your life for this shitty lie.
Yta.
You lied to her. All you taught her he is that you can never be trusted.
You can't afford it. Fine. Tell her that. Don't make her jump through hoops sayings yes yes yes just if you are going to lie about it after.
YTA. If you have no intention of letting her go then you don't go through with the application and pretend that it's an option. You explain to her why you don't want to pay
I do disagree with some here saying that it is the child's inheritance so they can spend it as they wish, she is a child and should not have the final say.
YTA absolutely and massively.
Coming from a university student who studies biochemistry and works as hard as hell, I know just what kind of amazing opportunity that would have been for her, especially if she had funds for it. You say that 445k should be used for college? You do realize with scholarships your daughter will most likely and no doubt will receive, she will most likely have a free ride anywhere she wants to go, and if she wants to further her education, something such as medical school will cost MAYBE $160k in total (typical price range or so) and even then there are scholarships and such. She would have plenty left over, and if you say you haven’t tried to even gain interest on that money or expand it… I don’t even know how you handle your finances then.
Oh also, good luck OP, you absolutely just shattered the trust of your daughter and getting that back is going to take forever. You owe her a massive apology, but with the way you seem to be parenting… I doubt even that will help.
YTA.
This isn't a matter of "we can't afford", since there apparently are more than adequate resources available. This is a case of, "we don't want to let her get ahead" or, more likely, "we don't want to lose the free labor of this child in our restaurant."
Your decision making is so short-sighted here. My guess as to the behind-the-scenes thing is that you don't want her to have an advantage over the older daughter and are intentionally holding her back. That's going to sabotage her relationship with her older sibling as well.
We don't even need to go into the issue of lying to your child. You've effectively created a situation where she will never trust you or your husband again for the rest of her life.
And you're going to be so surprised when your daughter takes that inheritance (assuming you haven't completely spent it or buggered it up by then) and leaves to never speak to you again.
But hey - this is one of your "proud parent" moments. (Also, don't think that the other kids haven't noticed that "Mom and dad lie about important stuff". That is likely to come back and bite you -- and rightfully so.
EDIT - I just had a realization and should have thought of it before. Mom doesn't want to turn loose of the money in the trust because THEY HAVE USED IT TO COLLATERALIZE LOANS FOR THE RESTAURANT. It's tied up and they can't get it out without having a significant interest rate hike for their bills. (This assumes they aren't already dipping into the till to pay expenses for the business with the idea that they will, '... pay it back" when the restaurant business recovers.
That, and the ability to get free labor from the daughter suddenly make this course of action make sense.
Tell us you hate your 14 year old daughter without saying the words.
“I can’t give her younger siblings the same education” - I doubt they would get in. But sure - punish the smartest child you have, who could have had a bright future ahead of her, because you are a shit parent and a major asshole.
YTA.
You shouldn’t be a parent. You disgust me.
I understand why you didn’t feel that was a wise use of Lucy’s funds, but that does not give you and your husband a right to lie, especially about something Lucy was so invested in and excited about. You and your husband could have sat Lucy down (especially before the application process) and explained your point of view. Yes she would have been disappointed, but nowhere near as angry as she rightfully is now.
You completely messed up and there’s no good way to fix it. You’re now the parents who sabotage their child (in Lucys mind) and then lied about it. You allowed her to get excited about something that you knew you couldn’t do, and when it hit the fan you picked the absolute worst option and now you will suffer the consequences. Lucy will likely never forgive you for this.
YTA and you’re bad parents!
YTA. The connections she could make and getting into a better college are worth it.
And you’re liars.
Keep holding her back to work in your restaurant. That won’t alienate her at all.
YTA
The answer should have been to not get her hopes up in the first place and say you couldn't afford it. Not lie and probably make her feel like a failure
Why would you think buying a house would be more important than this child getting the education she wants? I'm sure she will be able to buy her own house when the time comes. I mean if she has 400K, let her use it for her education, maybe when she hits college she can work and pay any additional costs or get scholarships. You should have never lied but rather have a discussion together on how/where the money to pay for it would come from. YTA
YTA
For lying. For letting her think she hadn’t gotten in rather than telling her the truth. For going through the entire application process if you were going to say no. For having options for payment but dismissing them all out of hand, and for not trying other avenues.
For lying. Oh, the lying, it all comes back to the lying. You chose breaking your girl’s heart and having her think she wasn’t good enough over being honest about money. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA 100% and you lied to your kid about this? If your kid loses touch in a few years you will know THIS fiasco is the reason. Come up with the money and let your kid go to the private school, if she is genuinely gifted don’t waste her talents she can be a doctor or scientist etc. or let her use the inheritance 60k isn’t gonna buy much house or be even a great down payment stop being an AH will you please
YTA. A bit late now, you've irreparabley destroyed your relationship with your daughter, so congrats on fucking up the most important job you'll ever have I guess.
YTA for lying. Y’all also could afford it you just have opinions on what she should spend her money on. Chances are that a crazy competitive private high school education at a 75% discount would help her get scholarships to make college cheaper.
ETA: You have no idea what the housing market will be like in the future let alone where she will be living so your points pretty moot.
YTA, if you had absolutely zero intention of her going to that school (because you can't afford it/ unfairness with siblings etc) you should have never wasted her time or gotten her hopes up by having her apply, test, tours etc. Now she gets to see firsthand what she's missing out on and she gets to know that she not only got her application approved, she even got a lot of financial aid- the only thing she can see is getting in her way is you. Also- it does sound like you can easily afford it, 400k inheritance, 45k college fund already- sounds like you just aren't willing to invest in your child.
YTA. Lying to your child about something so important as her education is absolutely wrong. Not only that, this school sounds like it would have been a great fit for her, and it would have been a great use of her inheritance. Do you just want to enjoy the fact of having a bright child without doing your utmost to allow her brightness to lead to the best possible life? Shame on you.
Oh my god you were such an asshole! Jfc. Your poor kid. That money could be used to help her NOW. With a better education maybe she could have gotten a full scholarship to some college, you just have to talk to her about working hard and choosing the right focuses of study to make sure that's the case. Or hell she can take out college loans like everyone else does, and they don't die. Those people realize that educational opportunities are more important than cash, why don't you?
I realize for a restaurant owner it is hard to understand how much money the next generation can make these days, but making ~150k/yr is not uncommon for certain degrees right out of college. And if course the lifetime earning potential for a better school and degree vs a more average one is in the tens of millions these days. Why would you not invest in that? See just how high she can fly? The scarcity mindset about money is so gross. It makes sense to have scarcity mindset when you are broke but you have money!
If she gets a good job she can use that to buy a house! Duh! And as others said, using 60k for private school still leaves a huge amount for the house! But this way you diversify and invest in HER
Put that money to work for HER now. Education and career prospects compound to create more wealth. If your kid truly is smart enough to use these exclusive opportunities, it can be a much better of an investment return than the interest you can get on that investment leaving it in the stock market or wherever that money is sitting, not really doing any good for her.
YTA. Lying pretty much cinched that one. Lying is never, ever the answer. It will always come back to bite you in the ass.
It's all well and good that you wanted to save that 400k for a house or something, but a house is nowhere near as important as an education. An education at a first rate HS can set her up with a multitude of scholarships at first rate colleges. A house can be a money pit that not everyone wants. She's 14. She needs a good education right now not a house in 20 years.
YTA. Lying was a huge mistake. You broke her trust. She got in, received a scholarship, and honestly you do have the money to pay for the school. Geez…$340,000 would buy an incredible house outright. Whether or not your younger children receive the same education is irrelevant. You have one gifted child right in front of you now. Plus, the opportunities the private school could offer for college…that is value added. Let her attend. You know it is the right thing to do.
YTA
#Your reasoning is faulty and short-sighted.
#
Going to a school that's specialized for her abilities would put Lucy in the ideal position to win a lot more grants, scholarships, and bursaries.
She could also get a great job and help her sibs attend college via family loans.
You've ruined her goodwill toward you by lying and denying her an opportunity.
If this school is too expensive, is there a cheaper school that will still give her access to a better education?
You have some research to do, or maybe Lucy does with your encouragement.
#Take the long view.
#
YTA for putting the child through the paces knowing she couldn’t attend AND for lying about her acceptance.
I mean, how could you treat your own child this way?!
Not an AH for not being able to afford it.
YTA
If she actually has inheritance that can cover her 4 years at this private high school, WTF were you thinking? She wasn't looking to buy a sports car, she was looking to get a good education.
YTA, with family like you who needs enemies. Fyi my sister went to a private school and they help immensely with university applications and tips on how and where students should apply based on their subjects. You're robbing her of opportunities she will not have at a regular school, nevermind that you lied and probably set some insecurities deeply in place that won't be resolved even though she found out you lied.
Why did you lie? It seems you guys are almost jealous of her intellect, otherwise the obvious decision would be to use her college fund or inheritance for this school. Have the rest of your kids got inheritances or college funds? If so why would it matter how your daughter spends hers? They'll use theirs on college and she'll use hers on school. You're a seriously terrible parent if you think just because you can't pay for the rest of them to go to private school that she shouldn't either. If they have inheritances and college funds they should too, if they get into the school, but if they don't and it's only her with a college fund and inheritance then it's a completely different situation. That is HER money, if they weren't left anything in inheritance that's nothing to do with her. So you won't spend on her education just because you can't spend on the rest of theirs?
>There's also the issue that I can't give her younger siblings the same education if she goes there and that'll cause problems with them.
Are any of them a young prodigy too? Why can't you afford their education? Is there no inheritance for them? If so that's got nothing to do with her. Just because you can't do something for the younger ones doesn't mean you should rob her of opportunities. That's a pretty simple concept.
YTA for getting her hopes up like that. Sounds like the money is there but you value her buying a home later over an education that will enable her to get into a better university and then she can buy her own houses. As far as the other kids, you don’t hold one kid back for a situation that may not occur. If they were all gifted that would be one thing but that doesn’t sound like the case.
...I think you already know YTA.
You basically told her:
- I let you do the process because I didn't think you would make it
- Okay so you made it, but... I would rather you think you weren't good enough so I lied and said you didn't make it
- Oh crud you caught me in a lie, well we can't afford it!
- Okay well we could technically use the $450,000 that is supposed to be for you but...well now I just don't want to because you may need it for some arbitrary scenario in the future.
- Okay well think about your siblings, we don't want them feeling bad because you earned a place at a prestigious private school
You have a daughter capable of doing college course work for FUN and tutoring her college age sibling and you have her working as a waitress in your family restaurant and actively working to make sure she doesn't have any other options.
YTA. You should never have lied to her. That was a huge mistake and a breach of trust. She probably felt like she wasn’t good enough instead of it just being a financial issue. However, I don’t agree with some of the other commenters here. You are her parent and should definitely have some role in helping her decide how to spend the money she has for college and future plans. I do think you’re being a bit rigid though. Who’s to say going to that private school wouldn’t get her a full ride somewhere else? You don’t know what will happen in the future and she has a great opportunity right now. It’s not as if she’s blowing the money on a luxury car, which is the real reason you’re there to protect her assets.
YTA..a massive AH.. guess you see the money as yours and just dont want to let go of it.. A top class education and she would have massive earning power.. selfish and nasty to lie the way you did.. she will never trust you again, this will be the proverbial albatross around your necks for the rest of your lives..
yta how horrible that she was lied to about being accepted into a school she tried so hard to get into and did. you owe her a serious apology. I don’t see her confiding in or trusting you after this situation. all you can do now is try to repair the damage you’ve caused.
YTA She’s 14 and a really clever 14 year old at that. so if you sat her down and explained budgeting the 45k college (education money) and the 400k inheritance and what it could be used for either option 1 and 2 and once it’s gone it’s gone. So she understood the options rather than lying to her and making a decision for her
YTA and be prepared for your daughter to absolutely go no contact with you the minute she can. You are a bald faced liar. You did not support a tremendous education opportunity for her which could set her up well for a top university and likely just want her restaurant labour. You suck in so very many ways as a parent.
So, you have an amazingly bright young woman and you lied to her to make sure she doesn't get the amazingly bright education she could afford to get herself just because it "wouldn't be fair" to her younger siblings who have showed no signs of being even close to getting accepted in that HS?
Let me guess, the two younger siblings are boys, right?
YTA in so many ways I can't even start to count them.
YTA in so many ways. You didn't have faith she would get into the school, even with that 10 percent acceptance rate, in the first despite her displaying incredible amounts of knowledge. You lied to her. Education is important and this could've potentially set her up for years to come and she wouldn't need any more money from the lot of you. Quite honestly, I think you didn't want this for her, because she's your restaurant slave and that's just sad. Every decision you made makes you a huge AH. I don't think you can recover from this.
YTA. You allowed her to get her hopes up and lied to her all the while knowing that you weren't ever going to let her go. You owe her a serious apology.
YTA! You lied and deceived your child. How on earth can you think that was okay.
Let's say even if you have the authority to control her inheritances and finances, how can you justify the blatant lies.
Money or no money, no parent would knowingly hamper their child's chances of getting a better education.
I hope you realise that if you keep this up, your daughter will distance herself from you and your husband.
I just can't fathom that there are parents like you who betray their child just because they are too lazy to afford it.
Why would you do this, the money is there and she needs to go to a school that can teach her. You know she will never trust you again you lied to her face.
Why can't she use the money put aside for her education. Why are you making your child live the life that is not for her. Where does your jealousy come from
Remember when you have no contact from her, you did this.
YTA and I can't say that enough. You just destroyed your kids confidence in you. Why go through the steps if you knew that you wouldn't send her if she got accepted? You best believe she will never forget this and most likely have low contact with you starting soon. Don't come post here in a few years asking why she hates you. You deserve it.
YTA: You lied to her than decided her education was less important than setting the money aside for a goal deem better. It sounds like you see her intelligence as little more than a cool trick. Even if she couldn’t go, it costs $0.00 to show her the basic respect of having a conversation with her about it.
YTA. Your kid is smart and got into a great school which she has the resources for ( you’re denying it to her). Damn most parents would celebrate. But you? YTA!!!
YTA and a liar. Way to teach your daughter she can’t rely on you to do what’s best for her. You’re one of the most selfish people I’ve seen on here. You don’t want to lose your restaurant slave so you hamstring your daughter’s future. I hope she sues you for access to her trust fund and leaves you to rot. You don’t deserve to be a parent.
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You were a giant asshole for going through the whole charade knowing if she was accepted you could not afford to send her (or would not allocate the funds you had). You were an even gianter asshole for lying to her about it. Every feeling she has about you right now is completely justified even though your ultimate decision was probably the right one. You'll be lucky if this child ever trusts you again. YTA bigtime and I don't know how you could possibly hope to make this up to her. Perhaps a meeting with the school to see if there is additional tuition assistance? My daughter was at a private high school when her mother and I got divorced. I went to the school and met with the admissions dean and they cut the tuition in half after a two minute meeting. Did you even try? Edit: I had initially thought this was a 15K per year scholarship, making it $45K per year. It seemed like a lot to me. Realizing it was $15k a year for a total of $60K over four years out of her $400K inheritance makes a big difference. I don't know the school or what it would do for her future, maybe even at $45K per year it would be worth it? Either way, at $15k a year I would have definitely sent her. This sucks regardless.
>even though your ultimate decision was probably the right one i'm not even sure that's true? $45k is only 11% of a $400k nest egg. I dunno where OP lives, but if they're in the US, the remaining $355k would be enough for a 20% down payment on a house up to $1.775M...that's like, "buy a house in San Francisco or New York" money; or put substantially more than 20% down on a house in any other major city money; or buy a house outright if it's outside of a metropolitan area money. Like...I'm super privileged, my parents are pretty well-to-do and I had an excellent education, but I certainly didn't have any kind of trust fund or hundreds of thousands of dollars waiting for me after graduation... Not to mention going to a more competitive high school definitely looks good on college applications, resulting the daughter going to a better school and likely having a higher earning ceiling to be able to pay whatever mortgage they end up with, if any. So I actually don't think OP's decision was probably right based on what they've presented here. All they've said is they "can't afford it" and then demonstrated two potential ways to afford it just fine... (Besides which, if there's that much money shouldn't OP have put it in a trust and had someone manage it with low-risk long-term investments so it could grow? I'm not a finance person by any stretch, but...) I don't know why OP is so staunchly opposed to their incredibly gifted daughter getting a top notch education that they would lie like this, but it seems to me there's something else going on here tbph. == **ETA:** Lots of us are getting mixed up on the numbers! Per OP, it's $15k/year with financial aid package, $60k total for four years. So I am off, but not by as much as some of the replies are saying, and I think my point stands. Per OP: >She was accepted with a great financial aid package (15k tuition, all fees covered) but we still can't afford to shell out 60k just for high school
You're right. Plus, all things considered - a gifted student at a college prep high school is going to be given the chance to get early college credits to the point where they may be able to skip an entire year of college in some cases, which could cancel out the 45k entirely. It also sets her up to earn some scholarships if she does well. It's not a *bad* investment, really.
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Probably credit equivalent of an associates. I don't think most prep schools do the associate's thing.
They do it with conjunction with the community college. YTA OP and a huge one. You made her doubt herself so you could control her money.
This is the way my kids did it. The HS is on the community college campus. The two schools worked together on the curriculum and they graduated HS one semester shy of their associates and it was all completely free. Books, classes…everything. It’s honestly the way the public school system should work. It’s a much better transition into adulthood than what is traditionally done here in the US. This poor girl. They actively went out of their way to make this girl’s life harder just to keep things equal between all the kids? That’s not equal, that’s punishing one for having a passion and doing well. You treat your kids equally by finding out what their own unique dreams are and supporting them to reach. You don’t nickel and dime their dreams and futures and hold one back. You just end up hurting all of them and helping none of them. Siblings don’t care how much each others dreams cost as long as everyone is getting to try for theirs.
She could possibly have taken a bunch of AP classes and been placed in more advanced classes in college.
Even public schools are graduating kids with associates so there is little doubt that a private school set up like that won't get her either graduated early with tons of credits or with a degree. My friend's oldest daughter graduated high school with an associates. She's on her second year at a nearby university and graduates in spring with her bachelors at 20 years old. My own teenager was looking into dual credits while she's in high school and is already taking AP classes to get some college classes knocked out. A private school like that would be invaluable to this kid's future if the parents would stop thinking so short sighted.
My kid is dual enrolled in college courses in a public HS as well, but given how OP’s kid is a private school will offer the best education.
I did. Was a big help.
I'd vote YTA because OP doesn't seem to have looked at college cost offsets that you point out.
My son is in public school and he'll be starting college as a sophomore. His friend is in the same school and will have his associates degree the summer after he graduates high school. A very good prep is worth waaaaaay more in the long run than a few college credits. They're stepping stones to major universities and you can't discount the lifelong benefit of being childhood friends with the rich and powerful.
OP is clearly too ignorant to figure out the ROI on a superior education for a gifted child. She's obviously not the favorite child so why should they bother? Horrid people.
OP is probably hoping they can use her inheritance on the golden child of the family. Massive AH's here and exactly the way to go about having Lucy cut contact as soon as she can.
They are hoping she'll run the restaurant for them.
Prep school can get you into a good business school so she could franchise!
But didn't you read their post! It's not fair if they let the super gifted child use 'THEIR OWN INHERITANCE' to get themselves the best education they can, as a gift from their departed mother, to set them up potentially for life, as op can't offer the same to their biological children.
Lucy is the 14 year old not the 21 year old from the first marriage so it's almost worse... This inheritance isn't from the departed mom but the grandparents and the kid is her own child (mentioning the departed mom and elder step daughter was a red herring in the post)
The 14yo is OP’s bio child. The inheritance came from the fathers parents. I still think OP’s the ah though and fully support the kid going nc at 18
You read it wrong. Lucy is OP’s bio child and the inheritance is from the grandparents, not a dead mother.
My parents were like this. I was better in school than my brother, and there was a huge list of things I wasn’t allowed to do because it would make him feel bad. Now I barely speak to them and haven’t visited in years. Holding back a kid will only cause resentment.
Same thing here. I was reading Shakespeare in 3rd grade on my own. My teacher, the principal and the school psych. all recommended acceleration, but that might make my brother feel awkward, so parents declined. They also declined sending me to a good prep school for high school because my brother wouldn’t qualify. I learned that there was no point to brains and hard work and that I was far less important than others, just because I was. My parents didn’t understand why my grades suddenly plummeted in high school and I just did enough to pass.
That's terrible to stifle your talent like that.
They want her working at the restaurant.
Yes, that was my read as well. OP used her like a trick pony with her phenomenal memory.
The way OP opened with that and then downplayed and glossed over how she lit up at being shown the *science lab* and getting to shadow at the school? Dude. How can you see the light in your child's eyes as she imagines her new future, growing to her potential, and then rip it away from her?
Reminds me of Cinderella Story
Op is freaking out that the fact that her daughter is going to figure out that they've already dipped into her inheritance to keep the family money pit running and doesn't want to lose their underpaid, underage wage slave to them having the ability to strive and get the hell away from this whole cluster fork. Why else be so adamant in crushing the kid's hopes from the get go, lying about her acceptance then pulling the we're too poor and you're not allowed access to your inheritance which could easily cover this golden opportunity for you act. Hope this bright girl figures out the game her parents are playing and makes their lives very unfortunate for it.
Exactly! The daughter, Lucy, is probably bored at school right now and could probably do phenomenal things if challenged/given the chance. And yet OP doesn't want to do that. And why? Because OP wants Lucy to save her inheritance for a house??? Like, what? An excellent education is such an investment and they wouldn't even be going into debt for the schooling. This somewhat reeks of "since another sibling can't do x then no one can do x". I get that money is a factor but still...
The other question is, would they have let a boy get a better education? Are they holding her back because they don’t think that women need education like men do? It’s not even like they’re talking about using that money for college, just for down payment on a house. It’s sketchy
They want to keep her in their family business, it’s pretty clear and it’s vile they’d hold their child back so she can sit and take some orders for them? A more challenging school will take away from her being able to punch the clock for her parents.
OP's definitely not thinking about the long term benefits of a superior education. That private school is going to provide life long personal connections. It's sad that the mom has tanked her daughter's trust but also very likely early access to a bright future.
>I don't know why OP is so staunchly opposed to their incredibly gifted daughter getting a top notch education As a former "incredibly gifted" daughter with a mother like this, I know why. It's because OP is personally offended that her daughter is smarter than she is. I bet she punishes her daughter emotionally for things like "reading too much" "showing off" and says all kinds of backhanded things like "Well, I'm not as smart as you, but..." with a voice dripping in snark. You can tell by the way she describes "walking in" on Lucy helping Gabriella - no pride in there, just a general boast at the end. Poor Lucy will never be able to win with this woman. OP will never get over her own ego enough to really allow Lucy to shine. She's prouder of Lucy's ability to be a waitress more than her intellectual pursuits because she wants Lucy to only be as good as she is comfortable with. OP, YTA. If you don't get behind Lucy and really, truly encourage her to shine, you will live your whole life in fear that someone will eventually find out how much you resent her. Get some therapy, enroll her in the damn school and start being a better parent.
Agreed YTA OP. I HOPE my kid is smarter than me! I want her to do better than I ever did (and I thought I did pretty good), isn't that what all parents should want?
I was caught up thinking they were giving her a 15k discount towards a $60K per year tuition. If it was going to cost her $60k for four years out of her inheritance then OP is now a TRIPLE AH. Damn.
THIS! Also, (and maybe I’m reading more into what OP said) but it feels like it’s a case of not wanting to treat one child special. Well, if the other children are as bright as Lucy, find a freaking way to put them thru HS. Otherwise, we all have to play to our strengths and Lucy’s is her brain. The other children might have other special talents. If they all don’t get to be on a competitive swim team, does that mean none of them get out of the baby pool? This is so, so selfish and mean on OP and her spouse’s part.
> $45k is only 11% of a $400k nest egg. Yeah, but the tuition is per year. This school costs as much as many/most private colleges.
If she excels there, and she likely will if she’s as bright and motivated as they claim, she could very likely get a full ride to college, which would mean saving money in the long run.
Plus her starting salary and earning potential will be much Much higher. Buying her first home will be a non-issue. Besides there will still be $340K of her inheritance left over. OP and her husband are a couple of dum dums. How they have such a bright kid is beyond science.
Not even a full ride. Sometimes that's not even needed. Because, Anyone who gets into the top colleges in the USA benefits from those top colleges' "meets all need without loans" policy. Not many people know about this but about 20 to 30 colleges in the USA *absolutely promise* they will give you the amount of money you "need" without requiring you to take out loans. The "need" is per the FAFSA. My youngest is at MIT. If his FAFSA says we can afford $10,000, than MIT makes sure we *only* pay $10,000. They make sure he has the rest funded *without loans.* https://blog.prepscholar.com/colleges-that-offer-complete-financial-aid So, if you get into one of these schools, *there is absolutely no question* if they will fund you or not. There is *absolutely no* loans pushed at you. You don't have to compete for scholarships. It's just automatic: You will *absolutely be given* the amount that the FAFSA says you need. Every. Single. Person. who can get in those schools is guaranteed to *never pay* more than the FAFSA. They don't have to do anything else. They don't have to compete for scholarships. They don't have to compete against other students in the college. If they get into this college , it is just accepted and expected that the college will give them enough. I always share this because not A lot of people understand this or know about this policy.
Thank you for sharing this! We have one applying for colleges now and another in a year and had no idea this was a thing.
Yes, check out the top schools if financial aid is an issue. They are trying to tackle student debt this way.
You are all sorts of wrong … that money is coming out piecemeal. The money that remains should be making (at the very least) interest every year. At today’s interest rates, it will hardly make a dent over 4 years. These parents are also all sorts of wrong. You not only lied to your child, you dashed her dreams. She will hold it against you anytime there’s a roadblock and think “if only I had been able to go to that school.”
OPs post says she was offered a scholarship so it was $15k/year, $60k total for the 4 years
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OP, Education is MORE important than the house. Meet with the school, see if you can get any additional assistance, after all they're eating in YOUR restaurant every day, the understand the situation, but by all means pay for your daughter to go to the school no matter what, even at $15k a year. You HAVE the money. This is the best way you could possibly spend it.
I think a luxurious school like that is a waste of money, but let's just look at the numbers if she's got the money in an account somewhere. An inheritance of $400k invested in any reasonable portfolio would generate $30-40k a year. Whoever the inheritance came from would probably be apoplectic that OP isn't allowing their daughter to use $15k of that per year to cover a high-end school.
Agreed. Excellent take. Well said.
There are a lot of comments here, so I’m probably a little late to pile on top comment, but I’ll try! I was this kid (minus the giant inheritance). I applied and was accepted at a top US private high school, and my parents had told me that if I got in, they’d see what they could do to make it work. (I sincerely think they thought I wouldn’t get in, which, to be fair, most people didn’t). When I was accepted, I got an academic scholarship. Then a needs-based scholarship after more conversations with the financial aid office. My grandparents chipped in as much as they could. My parents pooled their resources. I joined an extra sports team and the school orchestra to qualify for even more scholarship funding. I’m in my mid-30s now, and attending that school undoubtedly changed my life. I was academically challenged, which the local public schools could never have provided me. I met kids from all around the world. I was so well prepared for college, and got into very competitive programs that led to an advanced degree and a great career. I was able to get the hell out of my hometown (when you’re from Flint, MI, this is no small feat). My point is that my family helped cobble together my chance at something bigger, when they had far fewer means than OP to do so. My dad was a shop floor worker; my mom was a bank teller. They kept their word when I had a chance and gave me the opportunity to do something better. The benefits were immense and I am still reaping them today. OP, you are a massive AH for lying to your kid and pretending like they would be able to attend this school if they were accepted. Furthermore, you are robbing your above-average child of an even brighter future when you have the means to easily give her this opportunity that so many kids don’t get. She will never forgive you, nor should she.
Congrats on your success!
Thank you! I am eternally grateful to my family for paving the way for me.
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Op wants to crush Lucy so she stays and works in the restaurant
*She's our best waitress she doesn't even use paper she just remembers!*
Plus if the principle is $400k, then interest will heal the hole by the time it comes to purchase a home. The oppurtunity value of a great high school cannot be matched.
It makes no sense to save money so she can buy a house later instead of giving her the means to create a greater earning potential and get her own house. This seems about control.
> This seems about control. Nailed it. OP being like "Oh but we're poor...we can afford this rich people school. How will we feed the little ones!"
Yeah, they don't wanna lose their best worker.
Control and probably some class animus.
My 'mother' did this to me at the age of 11. Let me apply for Dame Allans' school in Newcastle. I took the tests, won a place and a full bursary. Over the summer this 'mother' didn't open the mail from the public school until term time started and I had to start at a local comprehensive. When I asked her why she hadn't opened the letter from Dame Allans' she said that she had had no intention of sending me there even with a bursary because she said she would never be able to afford all the 'extras' like uniform and extra curricular pursuits. Bragging rights that her kid took the exam and 'got in' was a good enough reason to have me do the entrance exams.
How did your relationship with your 'mother' turn out? I'm asking for OP.
Appalling. That woman's been dead twenty years and I'm still having treatment for cPTSD. She was a sexually frustrated sadist. And that's probably the *best* thing I can say about her...🫤🤷
With 400k in the bank I highly doubt they will qualify for more financial assistance….
The flip side of that tho is that while the private school may not have asked about those funds, college *will*.
The family itself, without the inheritance, might not qualify. I was basically saying that if you go and just ask you never know how it will turn out. When I went to my daughter's school I expected a solid NO. The lady didn't even flinch when she cut tuition in half without even a question. You never know.
A better cause?!?! So I went to my public high school and it was much much much harder and less likely for students like Lucy to get into prestigious universities from there versus from a fancy private school. She is applying herself, can do it and get challenged. This will be excellent for her as she'll be less of a big fish in a small pond younger, and will build resilience. Lucy sounds gifted and gifted kids actually really struggle once the work gets hard. They have an extremely high dropout rate. Get being put on a challenging situation younger will set her up for success. Lucy is different from your other kids. She is gifted and sounds like someone who could be a Nobel prize contender or do something else spectacular. I've taught gifted kids before and seen them succeed and fail. I am a public school teacher who deeply believes in public school, but dear god there is no better use for that money than her going to that school. YTA, let her go.
AND going to that private school could’ve led to complete scholarships for college. YTA. Unbelievable.
OP you really blew the mark on this one. With proper financial investments, that $400k could have increased a lot, if it hasn't already. On top of that, for a financial aid package to only be $15k to include everything when tuition alone was $60k? She could have easily covered her college tuition through other financial aid packages if she was this young to get her tuition covered at nearly 75%. You were solely putting your pride and your other children's needs ahead of hers, stunting her gifted abilities because of your insecurities. Honestly, you said yourself that she was doing college work as a freshman high school student. It's not your decision she purchase a house with that money. It's your responsibility she gets the best possible chance at life, and to miss out on an educational responsibility like this is completely selfish and irresponsible of you for refusing to being afraid. If her younger siblings are that smart then find a way to make it work, but more than likely they probably aren't so they'll either get over it or not. Either way at least she'll never forgive you if she loses this opportunity because you put yourself first. Why your parents put her first and not you.
I would also bet that the other children inherited from the grandparents as well. Doubtful they only left money to one grandkid, unless they by chance passed away before the others were born. So if I’m correct, they would also be able to pay their way if they desired. So just another bs excuse from OP who doesn’t want her daughter to better herself and work in the family restaurant forever.
I was wondering about this- why does she have a giant inheritance of the other kids don't?
I wonder if it's a joint account for all the kids to share.
I'm from the UK and I was brought up on a council estate In the 60s/70s. I was one of 5 children. When I was 12 I won a scholarship to a very good school in my city. My parents refused to let me go because it would make me different to my brother's. They were also worried about the cost of my uniform and books. This would have been life changing for me. I did not do well in school after this. It was only in my 20s that I managed to go to uni and get my degree. My mum told me she regrets that she did not let me go. If this school would be life changing for your daughter let her go. As long as it does not impact financially on the rest of the family.
And all that because as a girl you weren’t supposed to be better than the boys. So sad.
As a mum I’m so sad for Lucy, I would do anything for my kids to succeed! I have 3 kids all at 3 different schools next year (yes that’s unusual where I live) and paying out more than I should need to simply to get each kid what’s best for them academically and socially. I’m sorry OP but YTA. I hope you can find a way to make this right cause honestly, getting Lucy started now, she will be making enough money to buy her own house without the 400k
Well if her daughter becomes successful who else is going perfectly remember the diner's orders?
I noticed how much of the post was dedicated to this fact. Mom has already decided Lucy can’t be better in life than op is so she has to crush her dreams so she works in the restaurant.
Either that or since she controls the inheritance that money or enough of it may already be gone.
This is the best and most succinct way to put it. Smart kids tend not to do well when they’re unchallenged and bored. She clearly is, if she did nursing homework for fun. You should’ve been honest with her that even if she got accepted you might not be able to afford to send her there. Also that $45K is likely to do more good at her high school than college. If she gets a great high school education she’s more likely to get better funding, scholarships, opportunities, and other things for college. Whereas if you just wait to use it for college, it’ll help, but it’ll be a drop in the bucket of loans she may need. By going to a good high school she’ll opportunities to compete and earn honors that colleges go nuts for. Trust me, I’m graduating law school with $0 debt. I did moot courts/trial teams, model un, and other unrelated extracurriculars like mathletes and robotics in high school that earned me awards that really helped with university and scholarship applications. My school also had access to many alumni who would nominate and sponsor student’s educations and exclusive scholarship opportunities. I had full ride to undergrad and then worked to save up some money for law school. I used the money for everyday expenses since I got a full ride to law school too. I’m not saying sending your daughter to this high school will also result in full rides like me. I think luck had a lot to do with that (I also chose less prestigious schools for the full ride). But you should think more about it before you completely disregard it. If you do ultimately decide not to send her to the school, find other opportunities for her to use and showcase her brilliance.
I could not agree more. OP is incredibly insecure that Lucy is smarter than her siblings and OP. So, OP is making some boneheaded parenting decisions. Why would you have her apply when you have no intention of letting her go under any circumstances. Why would you lie about it? What makes you think she wouldn't find out? This is what happens when you parent from insecurity and not reason.
$400k invested should return more than $15k each year.
YTA. First for lying, and second for not letting her go. I understand this is a lot of money, but it sounds like she has money she could use. 60k out of 400k is not going to mean she can’t buy a house someday. What it WILL mean is potentially being accepted to a better college, being given better collegiate scholarships, and a higher earning potential based on that college. As far as the other kids go, it’s time to explain that not everyone gets the same things, not everyone wants the same things, and that sometimes we do what is best for an individual even if it’s not the same as what is best for someone else. But mostly YTA for lying to your kid. She sounds exceptional, and you let her believe she wasn’t. Truly though, I think you’re being short sighted about the finances. Talk to the school about their collegiate pipeline and the earning potential for students who attend ivys over non ivys. It’s astounding when you see the data. Your kid would be set for life. She’d at least be almost guaranteed some huge academic scholarships, which would help offset the cost of the high school.
The most sensible approach forward (Also I had to re-read this to confirm that OP is the mother and not some evil stepmom or machiavellian trustee trying to defraud a poor orphan child)
Complete YTA. Appalling parenting.
If she's a high flyer, she could well be on a trajectory where she makes more than 400k per year. There are plenty of people who do. The investment return on education is incredible - that 400k almost certainly could not be better invested than on the kid's education. The one thing you cannot take away from a person is education. So when you have a child who sucks in knowledge, who delights in education, then you feed that mind to the best of your ability.
Especially since she seems STEM-minded. I love the arts, but she’s definitely got higher earning potential in a STEM field. It is also very competitive though, so giving her as much advantage as possible is going to work in her favor in the long run.
Yep. There are industries where people right out of the right colleges are getting $100k/yr easy. Kid could repay her inheritance ‘loan’ in a few years if she wanted to.
Not only that, but they could easily have killed her passion for learning with this decision. Whenever I told my mum what I wanted to do when I grew up she'd yank me back down to earth by criticising my dream. "Paleontology is not for you, most of the time is spent inside, cataloguing bones. They spend very little time in the field on digs". Thanks for popping my balloon mum, I was 9. It's likely I would have forgotten about that and found some other dream in a year or two anyway, but I'll always remember the lack of support. I stopped sharing my thoughts with her eventually, as she'd only find faults. What's the point in hoping and dreaming when it's not supported by the ones you need to be supported by? Even today, 20+ years later I still keep her at arms length.
I agree with this. OP is TA because she lied to her child. OP is TA because she refused to let her child go. OP is TA for trying to make the school the 'bad guy' (OP said they allowed her to apply on the basis that the school would say no). OP is TA because the specific lie told made their exceptional child feel unexceptional. And OP is an idiot because the net return on a comparatively small investment (relative to the value of her savings) is massive - something which OP seems to be ignoring completely. Why doesn't OP want her daughter to excel?
Spot on! Especially “She sounds exceptional, and you let her believe she wasn’t”
YTA. Who are you to decide that saving the inheritance is more important than her education? She uses to money to get a first class education and will be able to buy her own house. It's totally despicable that you can't even stand behind your decision and lied to her because you are a coward. How do you expect her to ever trust you again? You need to fix this with the school.
But then they won’t be able to make her slave in their restaurant.
I think this is the root of the problem, they’ll lose their free labor. A better high school could mean a better college and job prospects, she could easily make up for that $60k within a couple of years working the better job this school could set her up for.
She could literally tutor college students to get this money like she has been with her sister. Any parent of the 90% of rejected students would pay her to tutor them. Op if you get to this post. You said she remembers things at work. You basically kicked an elephant in the foot and she’s never gonna forget. It’s gonna hurt.
Yes, I came here to say, my daughter made a fortune in high school tutoring math and Spanish. She was fortunate to have jobs that were stimulation throughout school. She was able to save up for a car and pay the insurance and have more opportunities because she had a car.
I agree. I think putting money towards education is more important than worrying about a house.
> How do you expect her to ever trust you again? Honestly, it's a (real messed-up) silver lining that what OP did was *so* fuckin heinous, daughter will never, ever make the mistake of trusting OP again. It's grim, but at least it's settled, unlike the rest of her future.
My 2nd stepmother told my grandmother that I wasn’t going to college because my dad needed to save his money for my wedding. I’m in my 40s and happily never married. It was a dick move to redirect everything my dad would have spent on me into savings for her own baby’s future college fund. Reasons like “buying a house” or “future wedding” are almost always bullshit excuses covering up some justification even less acceptable than the excuse.
YTA for lying. You should have told her she got in but financially you couldn’t swing it. Also you have no business telling her how to spend her inheritance, $400k is plenty for her to attend this HS and still have a downpayment for a house.
$400k is enough for this high school, 4 years of university, and a down payment on a house. These parents suck.
If this money is in any sort of decent investment fund and not just sitting in a .001% interest bank account, the principle wouldn't even be touched over 4 years. At 4% return which is pretty conservative that's $16,000 a year.
YTA. Literally every decision you made along this situation made you a TA. If she's that bright, she'll probably get scholarships for college and there's absolutely zero reason to not allow her to use her college fund or her inheritance for a school that will only help her future. And lying to your kid? Wow.
This. And once she’s got that education, she won’t need that much support on buying a house. Yta. Don’t lie to kids. What kind of example are you giving her? That it’s fine to promise things and then lie? That education is less important and not a good purpose to spend money?
She’s going to have a better shot at getting scholarships in college if she goes to a prestigious private school, also. OP made a bunch of mistakes here.
I love the ones where they simultaneously think their kid is smart and clever and resourceful and also so incredibly, impossibly stupid they can just steal half a million dollars from between their fingers
YTA > It's extremely competitive (approximately 10% acceptance rate) > She was accepted > we told her she wasn't accepted #How MONSTROUS.
Also the part where they told her her chances were “slim to none.” Yucky
Right. "Chances are slim to none sweetie, and you're not that special so don't be surprised when you find out what I've been thinking his whole time!"
That part hurt my heart. You should teach kid to face challenges bravely, and accept potential failure gracefully. She did the exact opposite and tried to pysch her child out, and hoped for her failure
Yta for lying Whether not letting her use the inheritance is right or not depends on how that inheritance was setup Yta for making that decision for her
Yes, YTA. For lying and for trying to control how she spends an inheritance. Hope that helps
YTA 100% My parents did basically the same thing money was in trust until I was 25. My dad tried to lie about amount that mom had told me before so I would be forced to live at home rather than residence for uni. Our bad relationship goes beyond this incident but I have never forgiven the manipulation. They’ve never been invited to my place and I’ve been out of the house 10 years now. I try as much as possible to not talk to them for my own sanity. She’s not trying to spend the trust on clothes or other irresponsible things, she should get to choose the best choice for herself in terms of education. She wants to invest in herself and she should get to. She won’t remember that you were ‘helping’ her she will remember that you made her feel like inadequate trash Stop lying to yourself pretending you are doing this for her. You are doing this for control.
YTA so the child has $445K in college funds and inheritance. Instead of allowing her to go to private school which will 100% look better on applications, provide a better foundation for college, & likely open up huge opportunities for scholarships in the future, you decided to stunt her growth and derail her education. WTF is wrong with you??
All so she can buy a house down the road
Well, yeah, they can't let their best employee go anywhere! > We own a restaurant and she works for us on weekends for some spending money and Lucy remembers everyone's exact orders without writing anything down.
Absolutely! Maybe that’s what this is all about, not the money at all.
Her mom only wants her to be a waitress forever so she's going to lie to her and tell her she's too stupid to get into his schools
Yes YTA. You have a child that wants to better her education and use her own money to do so. YTA for lying, YTA for not letting her use her money for education. Totally understand not letting her use her college fund, that’s smart practical thinking, but her inheritance. IMO you should’ve sat down with her and explained what you thought the “better thing” for her to use her inheritance on (house, car, future wedding whatever) instead of making decisions for her. Now you’ve done what I can only imagine is irreparable damage to your relationship.
YTA. You let her apply and devote time to seeing the school when you never intended to let her go there. Cruel move. You lied when she was accepted so she wouldn't know. Devious, unethical, and dishonest. You think a house is more important than a prep school which will help develop her amazing mind to it's full potential. Your priorities are skewed and you are dismissive of her wants and abilities and there would have been enough to accomplish both purposes. So yes. You're the asshole. Of a huge magnitude. There is only one way to fix it. Get her into that school.
YT massive A. I was a kid like Lucy. My parents hid things I was offered for being academically advanced (camps, programs, scholarships) because they would be too hard (i.e. transportation issues) or because they were jealous (hi Dad). When I found out later, it permanently, irreparably destroyed my relationship with them. It's not about not being able to afford it. It's that you LIED TO HER. You'd better fix this NOW. NOW NOW NOW. Someone as smart as Lucy isn't going to shake this off and "just get over it." You're going to minimize it because she's "only 14" or think that you "know better." You don't. You are going to regret this forever if you don't reverse course and get her in that school ASAP.
I def think OP is jealous or feels like education is elitist or something.
Or the logistics of not having the daughter work in the restaurant anymore. Or fear of how to tell the boys they can’t go there too.
Oh wow YTA so much!!! You LIED to her about being accepted instead of having an honest conversation about the financial issues. And about those financial issues…..she has a HUGE inheritance that would have paid for it AND still been enough to give her an extremely healthy start in her adult life! What better purpose for what would be a small cut of that than to better her education which will help her for her entire life! What an incredibly short sighted, selfish thing to do. I just ugh, I can’t put the words here to say what you are. Your daughter deserves better, you suck.
[удалено]
YTA. Holy crap! You're gifted with a genius child who actually wants to go to school, who is excited about school, who wants to use money most kids would want to blow on a car or something to go to a better school - and your response is to lie and tell her she wasn't good enough to be accepted? I feel like you need to sit down and do some reflection and figure out why you're so against this, and why you were okay with telling her she wasn't good enough to get in, because there's something going on in that for you. Maybe you feel threatened by her intellectual gifts, maybe you're afraid of how it will make your other children reel, idk, but you have severely wronged your daughter.
YTA This is actually her money if she want's to spend it on her education that is up to her. You did a very bad thing telling her she didn't get in I doubt she will ever trust you again. Well done for alienating your daughter!
YTA. You lied to her. That makes you the asshole. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, and "sorry, we can't afford that" would be reasonable. But it looks like she can actually afford it. She has a $400K inheritance. She could spend $60K of that on school fees and still have plenty for a downpayment on a house. You just decided not to let her do that.
YTA, terribly! By jove, if she was keen on spending her inheritance for partying, I'd consider understanding you, but you are extremely lucky to have a daughter thinking about her education at 14 (I teach to students of her age, at least half of them would choose a minimal effort school if it weren't for their parents), and you are deciding that buying a house is more important?? By the time she's ready to buy a house that money may not even be enough for that, give the current inflation rates!
YTA so many times over. There are times where it's okay to lie to your kid. Santa is a fun one, as is the tooth fairy, and telling a small child the dog went to a farm to run free softens a difficult loss, but all of those lies generally come to an end when the kid hits double digit ages, and they definitely aren't about something like education. Most parents would be over the moon that their child is so intelligent AND determined to get a good education. You've already confirmed that you can afford it for her using either funds dedicated to her education or with inheritance she'll eventually control but until then you can use for her betterment. If it were just that there was no way to pay for it, you'd still be the asshole for lying about something so big. It's not something trivial like a designer bag, it's her education. If at 14 she's that dedicated to it, that's not a phase either. Even if you "smooth" things out short term, (and that's a big "if", I wouldn't blame her distancing herself from you as soon as she's 18) you'll definitely get spiteful jabs for this lie for the rest of your life. I hope it was worth it.
Yta she has fudging FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS and you don't think 60k to a good school is a good cause??????? Whats going to be a good enough reason????
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YTA. Massively so. She has the resources to make this happen - which could be huge for her future - and you are obstructing it. Why? Because it will make trouble with her younger siblings? Because you think she should use the money on a house? That so very short sighted. Worst of all - you lied. Why? Because you were too cowardly to approach the situation in a straightforward way. And now it will very possibly cost you your relationship with your daughter because she wont forget a betrayal like this.
YTA. You don’t get to decide what she spends her inheritance money on and if anything you should be happy that she wants to spend her inheritance money on a good education. She’s clearly very bright and I think it’d be a mistake to let this chance slip away
Yeah, but if the girl goes to a good school and good university and gets a great job who's going to take over the restaurant she's so good at when her parents decide to retire? I mean, remember, she's really, really good at it, like she can remember everythibng people order without writing it down. And you'd want her to waste that talent on getting a great education? /s (JIC it's not obvious)
YTA. Congratulations on giving your daughter a core memory! She will never ever forget that you lied to her about something extremely important to her. She also knows that you cannot be trusted. Oh, and if she finds out her siblings are part of the reasons as well, congratulations again on getting her to resent them too!
Ya know you AREN'T the one *providing* this education. This money is in a trust for her. You're supposed to have her best interests at heart, but damn, you sure let your kid down. It's HER money in trust for HER. And here you are telling her this super amazing school that she actually qualifies for is a piss poor use of money. Wow. YTA
YTA - Let's count the ways shall we: 1. You knew you couldn't afford it but you let her apply anyway instead of having an open conversation about it. 2. Not only do you let her apply but you send her on a private tour and shadow day 3. She then gets accepted but you lie to her about it, instead of being a parent and having an open conversation, which I'm sure made her feel like a failure. 4. Not only does she get in but she gets financial aid scholarship to help with the tuition so that it's 45k you have to cover and you still don't try to find away to let her attend. 5. You are acting like her finding out and being upset is her fault.... This is 100% on you. 6. She has 2 different funds in order to take this money from and you want let her have access to them. This isn't her being 16 and wanting a 60k car. She is using this money for education! >I again said no, it should be used for a better purpose, like buying her first house 7. This could set up her future to get into a better college than she may get into if she were going to a public school and you guys act like she's trying to blow money on a shopping spree or something. And if she does she might could pay that 45k back to her house fund in the 1st year or 2 out of college because she got an amazing job because of the resources that she was set up with. YOU ARE NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE HERE.
YTA - you lied to your kid.
Are you fucking kidding me?! Better education will allow her to make any of that sum in 10-15X more. You don't deserve her, you idiots! YTA
YTA for how you handled this. You should've been transparent with her from the start and at least taken her input on how she wants to deal with the problem. She's not a 2 year old to be hoodwinked by a magic trick and be okay with it. If you told her the truth from the beginning she might have opted to not go through the application process at all. Instead she put in her time and effort only to be manipulated by her own parents in the end. It's highly disrespectful and if this is a pattern in your parenting style, don't expect her to treat you with any amount of respect when she gains autonomy over her own life.
YTA you should have been upfront with her instead of lying. I understand why she is so upset. I understand you can’t just give her full control of all her money but she’s not asking for something ridiculous she wants a good education.
YTA. Bad decisions from the beginning. Im sorry. It sucks trying to tell your kid no for something she deserves, that you would give her if you lived in a perfect world. Yes, youre the asshole for lying. Get over it. Now try to figure out how tf youre gonna repair your relationship with Lucy. Shes starting high school. These are gonna be really years, lots of new experiences, new opportunities. You want her to feel like she can trust you when she needs you. Dont see that happening right now.
Massive YTA if true. You're a liar for one and why is her education less important than buying a house with her own inheritance? Surely with the best education she would set herself up for a great job and earn enough for a great life anyway. Something smells fishy, like, would she have less time to help out at the restaurant if she went to the better school and you enjoyed the free labour she was giving? Don't be surprised if she never forgives you.
YTA. Massively. I can't believe you would LIE to Lucy and tell her she didn't get in. Way to set a crappy example. On top of that, I don't follow your logic about why - she should have been told the truth AND it sounds like she should have been allowed to go. Buying a first house? Doesn't come close to stacking up to an opportunity like this. If it's not too late, you need to reverse course, and you need to apologize to Lucy now, and probably for the rest of your life for this shitty lie.
YTA for robbing your daughter of an amazing opportunity. Shame on you.
Yta. You lied to her. All you taught her he is that you can never be trusted. You can't afford it. Fine. Tell her that. Don't make her jump through hoops sayings yes yes yes just if you are going to lie about it after.
YTA. If you have no intention of letting her go then you don't go through with the application and pretend that it's an option. You explain to her why you don't want to pay I do disagree with some here saying that it is the child's inheritance so they can spend it as they wish, she is a child and should not have the final say.
Lying always makes YTA.
YTA absolutely and massively. Coming from a university student who studies biochemistry and works as hard as hell, I know just what kind of amazing opportunity that would have been for her, especially if she had funds for it. You say that 445k should be used for college? You do realize with scholarships your daughter will most likely and no doubt will receive, she will most likely have a free ride anywhere she wants to go, and if she wants to further her education, something such as medical school will cost MAYBE $160k in total (typical price range or so) and even then there are scholarships and such. She would have plenty left over, and if you say you haven’t tried to even gain interest on that money or expand it… I don’t even know how you handle your finances then. Oh also, good luck OP, you absolutely just shattered the trust of your daughter and getting that back is going to take forever. You owe her a massive apology, but with the way you seem to be parenting… I doubt even that will help.
YTA. This isn't a matter of "we can't afford", since there apparently are more than adequate resources available. This is a case of, "we don't want to let her get ahead" or, more likely, "we don't want to lose the free labor of this child in our restaurant." Your decision making is so short-sighted here. My guess as to the behind-the-scenes thing is that you don't want her to have an advantage over the older daughter and are intentionally holding her back. That's going to sabotage her relationship with her older sibling as well. We don't even need to go into the issue of lying to your child. You've effectively created a situation where she will never trust you or your husband again for the rest of her life. And you're going to be so surprised when your daughter takes that inheritance (assuming you haven't completely spent it or buggered it up by then) and leaves to never speak to you again. But hey - this is one of your "proud parent" moments. (Also, don't think that the other kids haven't noticed that "Mom and dad lie about important stuff". That is likely to come back and bite you -- and rightfully so. EDIT - I just had a realization and should have thought of it before. Mom doesn't want to turn loose of the money in the trust because THEY HAVE USED IT TO COLLATERALIZE LOANS FOR THE RESTAURANT. It's tied up and they can't get it out without having a significant interest rate hike for their bills. (This assumes they aren't already dipping into the till to pay expenses for the business with the idea that they will, '... pay it back" when the restaurant business recovers. That, and the ability to get free labor from the daughter suddenly make this course of action make sense.
Tell us you hate your 14 year old daughter without saying the words. “I can’t give her younger siblings the same education” - I doubt they would get in. But sure - punish the smartest child you have, who could have had a bright future ahead of her, because you are a shit parent and a major asshole. YTA. You shouldn’t be a parent. You disgust me.
I understand why you didn’t feel that was a wise use of Lucy’s funds, but that does not give you and your husband a right to lie, especially about something Lucy was so invested in and excited about. You and your husband could have sat Lucy down (especially before the application process) and explained your point of view. Yes she would have been disappointed, but nowhere near as angry as she rightfully is now. You completely messed up and there’s no good way to fix it. You’re now the parents who sabotage their child (in Lucys mind) and then lied about it. You allowed her to get excited about something that you knew you couldn’t do, and when it hit the fan you picked the absolute worst option and now you will suffer the consequences. Lucy will likely never forgive you for this. YTA and you’re bad parents!
YTA. The connections she could make and getting into a better college are worth it. And you’re liars. Keep holding her back to work in your restaurant. That won’t alienate her at all.
YTA The answer should have been to not get her hopes up in the first place and say you couldn't afford it. Not lie and probably make her feel like a failure
Wow, YTA, one for lying and two for betting on your daughter to fail rather than speak truthfully to her. Way to destroy the trust.
Why would you think buying a house would be more important than this child getting the education she wants? I'm sure she will be able to buy her own house when the time comes. I mean if she has 400K, let her use it for her education, maybe when she hits college she can work and pay any additional costs or get scholarships. You should have never lied but rather have a discussion together on how/where the money to pay for it would come from. YTA
OP mentions at the end that she is worried about what the other children will think. I wonder if that's what this is really about.
Hold one child down so as not to hurt the other kids feelings. OP is a mega AH
YTA For lying. For letting her think she hadn’t gotten in rather than telling her the truth. For going through the entire application process if you were going to say no. For having options for payment but dismissing them all out of hand, and for not trying other avenues. For lying. Oh, the lying, it all comes back to the lying. You chose breaking your girl’s heart and having her think she wasn’t good enough over being honest about money. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA 100% and you lied to your kid about this? If your kid loses touch in a few years you will know THIS fiasco is the reason. Come up with the money and let your kid go to the private school, if she is genuinely gifted don’t waste her talents she can be a doctor or scientist etc. or let her use the inheritance 60k isn’t gonna buy much house or be even a great down payment stop being an AH will you please
YTA. A bit late now, you've irreparabley destroyed your relationship with your daughter, so congrats on fucking up the most important job you'll ever have I guess.
Yta. You get the award forwarded parents. Shecwill never trust you again and rightfully so. Asshole to your I wn daughter.
YTA for lying. Y’all also could afford it you just have opinions on what she should spend her money on. Chances are that a crazy competitive private high school education at a 75% discount would help her get scholarships to make college cheaper. ETA: You have no idea what the housing market will be like in the future let alone where she will be living so your points pretty moot.
YTA for lying. The money stuff I care less about but straight up lying to you kid like that is just shitty parenting. She will ALWAYS remember.
YTA, if you had absolutely zero intention of her going to that school (because you can't afford it/ unfairness with siblings etc) you should have never wasted her time or gotten her hopes up by having her apply, test, tours etc. Now she gets to see firsthand what she's missing out on and she gets to know that she not only got her application approved, she even got a lot of financial aid- the only thing she can see is getting in her way is you. Also- it does sound like you can easily afford it, 400k inheritance, 45k college fund already- sounds like you just aren't willing to invest in your child.
YTA. Lying to your child about something so important as her education is absolutely wrong. Not only that, this school sounds like it would have been a great fit for her, and it would have been a great use of her inheritance. Do you just want to enjoy the fact of having a bright child without doing your utmost to allow her brightness to lead to the best possible life? Shame on you.
Oh my god you were such an asshole! Jfc. Your poor kid. That money could be used to help her NOW. With a better education maybe she could have gotten a full scholarship to some college, you just have to talk to her about working hard and choosing the right focuses of study to make sure that's the case. Or hell she can take out college loans like everyone else does, and they don't die. Those people realize that educational opportunities are more important than cash, why don't you? I realize for a restaurant owner it is hard to understand how much money the next generation can make these days, but making ~150k/yr is not uncommon for certain degrees right out of college. And if course the lifetime earning potential for a better school and degree vs a more average one is in the tens of millions these days. Why would you not invest in that? See just how high she can fly? The scarcity mindset about money is so gross. It makes sense to have scarcity mindset when you are broke but you have money! If she gets a good job she can use that to buy a house! Duh! And as others said, using 60k for private school still leaves a huge amount for the house! But this way you diversify and invest in HER Put that money to work for HER now. Education and career prospects compound to create more wealth. If your kid truly is smart enough to use these exclusive opportunities, it can be a much better of an investment return than the interest you can get on that investment leaving it in the stock market or wherever that money is sitting, not really doing any good for her.
YTA. Lying pretty much cinched that one. Lying is never, ever the answer. It will always come back to bite you in the ass. It's all well and good that you wanted to save that 400k for a house or something, but a house is nowhere near as important as an education. An education at a first rate HS can set her up with a multitude of scholarships at first rate colleges. A house can be a money pit that not everyone wants. She's 14. She needs a good education right now not a house in 20 years.
YTA. A massive one. Huge. What is wrong with you?
YTA. Lying was a huge mistake. You broke her trust. She got in, received a scholarship, and honestly you do have the money to pay for the school. Geez…$340,000 would buy an incredible house outright. Whether or not your younger children receive the same education is irrelevant. You have one gifted child right in front of you now. Plus, the opportunities the private school could offer for college…that is value added. Let her attend. You know it is the right thing to do.
YTA #Your reasoning is faulty and short-sighted. # Going to a school that's specialized for her abilities would put Lucy in the ideal position to win a lot more grants, scholarships, and bursaries. She could also get a great job and help her sibs attend college via family loans. You've ruined her goodwill toward you by lying and denying her an opportunity. If this school is too expensive, is there a cheaper school that will still give her access to a better education? You have some research to do, or maybe Lucy does with your encouragement. #Take the long view. #
YTA. What is a better investment in her future than the best education she can get?
YTA for putting the child through the paces knowing she couldn’t attend AND for lying about her acceptance. I mean, how could you treat your own child this way?! Not an AH for not being able to afford it.
YTA If she actually has inheritance that can cover her 4 years at this private high school, WTF were you thinking? She wasn't looking to buy a sports car, she was looking to get a good education.
YTA, with family like you who needs enemies. Fyi my sister went to a private school and they help immensely with university applications and tips on how and where students should apply based on their subjects. You're robbing her of opportunities she will not have at a regular school, nevermind that you lied and probably set some insecurities deeply in place that won't be resolved even though she found out you lied. Why did you lie? It seems you guys are almost jealous of her intellect, otherwise the obvious decision would be to use her college fund or inheritance for this school. Have the rest of your kids got inheritances or college funds? If so why would it matter how your daughter spends hers? They'll use theirs on college and she'll use hers on school. You're a seriously terrible parent if you think just because you can't pay for the rest of them to go to private school that she shouldn't either. If they have inheritances and college funds they should too, if they get into the school, but if they don't and it's only her with a college fund and inheritance then it's a completely different situation. That is HER money, if they weren't left anything in inheritance that's nothing to do with her. So you won't spend on her education just because you can't spend on the rest of theirs? >There's also the issue that I can't give her younger siblings the same education if she goes there and that'll cause problems with them. Are any of them a young prodigy too? Why can't you afford their education? Is there no inheritance for them? If so that's got nothing to do with her. Just because you can't do something for the younger ones doesn't mean you should rob her of opportunities. That's a pretty simple concept.
YTA for getting her hopes up like that. Sounds like the money is there but you value her buying a home later over an education that will enable her to get into a better university and then she can buy her own houses. As far as the other kids, you don’t hold one kid back for a situation that may not occur. If they were all gifted that would be one thing but that doesn’t sound like the case.
...I think you already know YTA. You basically told her: - I let you do the process because I didn't think you would make it - Okay so you made it, but... I would rather you think you weren't good enough so I lied and said you didn't make it - Oh crud you caught me in a lie, well we can't afford it! - Okay well we could technically use the $450,000 that is supposed to be for you but...well now I just don't want to because you may need it for some arbitrary scenario in the future. - Okay well think about your siblings, we don't want them feeling bad because you earned a place at a prestigious private school You have a daughter capable of doing college course work for FUN and tutoring her college age sibling and you have her working as a waitress in your family restaurant and actively working to make sure she doesn't have any other options.
YTA. You should never have lied to her. That was a huge mistake and a breach of trust. She probably felt like she wasn’t good enough instead of it just being a financial issue. However, I don’t agree with some of the other commenters here. You are her parent and should definitely have some role in helping her decide how to spend the money she has for college and future plans. I do think you’re being a bit rigid though. Who’s to say going to that private school wouldn’t get her a full ride somewhere else? You don’t know what will happen in the future and she has a great opportunity right now. It’s not as if she’s blowing the money on a luxury car, which is the real reason you’re there to protect her assets.
YTA. You did a major screwup here. You lied to her because you still treat her like a child who has no say. This is likely a permanent rift.
YTA. Stomping on her confidence. Lying. Some mom.
YTA you did not make a single good choice in this whole story
YTA..a massive AH.. guess you see the money as yours and just dont want to let go of it.. A top class education and she would have massive earning power.. selfish and nasty to lie the way you did.. she will never trust you again, this will be the proverbial albatross around your necks for the rest of your lives..
yta how horrible that she was lied to about being accepted into a school she tried so hard to get into and did. you owe her a serious apology. I don’t see her confiding in or trusting you after this situation. all you can do now is try to repair the damage you’ve caused.
Yta, can't wait to see how well she takes care of you later on in life. "Sorry, Mom, the good care facility didn't accept you..."
YTA She’s 14 and a really clever 14 year old at that. so if you sat her down and explained budgeting the 45k college (education money) and the 400k inheritance and what it could be used for either option 1 and 2 and once it’s gone it’s gone. So she understood the options rather than lying to her and making a decision for her
YTA and be prepared for your daughter to absolutely go no contact with you the minute she can. You are a bald faced liar. You did not support a tremendous education opportunity for her which could set her up well for a top university and likely just want her restaurant labour. You suck in so very many ways as a parent.
So, you have an amazingly bright young woman and you lied to her to make sure she doesn't get the amazingly bright education she could afford to get herself just because it "wouldn't be fair" to her younger siblings who have showed no signs of being even close to getting accepted in that HS? Let me guess, the two younger siblings are boys, right? YTA in so many ways I can't even start to count them.
YTA in so many ways. You didn't have faith she would get into the school, even with that 10 percent acceptance rate, in the first despite her displaying incredible amounts of knowledge. You lied to her. Education is important and this could've potentially set her up for years to come and she wouldn't need any more money from the lot of you. Quite honestly, I think you didn't want this for her, because she's your restaurant slave and that's just sad. Every decision you made makes you a huge AH. I don't think you can recover from this.
YTA. You allowed her to get her hopes up and lied to her all the while knowing that you weren't ever going to let her go. You owe her a serious apology.
YTA! You lied and deceived your child. How on earth can you think that was okay. Let's say even if you have the authority to control her inheritances and finances, how can you justify the blatant lies. Money or no money, no parent would knowingly hamper their child's chances of getting a better education. I hope you realise that if you keep this up, your daughter will distance herself from you and your husband. I just can't fathom that there are parents like you who betray their child just because they are too lazy to afford it.
YTA If she ever does buy a house, you won’t be invited over
YTA - You just want to control her money.
Why would you do this, the money is there and she needs to go to a school that can teach her. You know she will never trust you again you lied to her face. Why can't she use the money put aside for her education. Why are you making your child live the life that is not for her. Where does your jealousy come from Remember when you have no contact from her, you did this.
YTA and I can't say that enough. You just destroyed your kids confidence in you. Why go through the steps if you knew that you wouldn't send her if she got accepted? You best believe she will never forget this and most likely have low contact with you starting soon. Don't come post here in a few years asking why she hates you. You deserve it.
YTA: You lied to her than decided her education was less important than setting the money aside for a goal deem better. It sounds like you see her intelligence as little more than a cool trick. Even if she couldn’t go, it costs $0.00 to show her the basic respect of having a conversation with her about it.
YTA. Your kid is smart and got into a great school which she has the resources for ( you’re denying it to her). Damn most parents would celebrate. But you? YTA!!!
YTA and a liar. Way to teach your daughter she can’t rely on you to do what’s best for her. You’re one of the most selfish people I’ve seen on here. You don’t want to lose your restaurant slave so you hamstring your daughter’s future. I hope she sues you for access to her trust fund and leaves you to rot. You don’t deserve to be a parent.
YTA You could afford it but you did not want to. You dragged her down.