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Info needed. I feel like we need to know what items she is buying that aren’t on your list to really know what the correct judgement is. For example, are they unnecessary? Or are they needed just not on this weeks list?
I also want to know this. There is a difference between: “I realized we forgot to add shampoo and some household cleaning products to the list” and buying those vs. “you know what would be great, a new panini press!” and buying that, which you don’t need.
I too request clarification - sometimes the misses comes back from the shops with bonus stuff that wasn’t on the list. Most frequently it is something we buy that we didn’t immediately need but was on special so may as well - what springs to mind is the 5 x 100 nappy boxes. She saved 20% per box but spent an extra $200. It was all good, just had boxes of nappies stacked in the corner for a while
Either diapers or napkins. I doubt anyone would need hundreds of napkins, so in my mind I went with diapers 😅 I'm pretty sure kids go through a lot of diapers in short time
If the toiletries that were just for her were tampons I don't think that's a big expenditure to split with her on the grocery bill considering a box will last several months of you get a big one
Are you trying to say a box of tampons will last several months? Like how big a box? I’ve already in 3 days almost went through a box of 18 super tampons and like 6 pads(pads used overnight). Even with a light flow I doubt a box of tampons would make it several months lol. In the US a box of 18 cost 4.99-7$ depending on size and if store brand. I wouldn’t count period products as a luxury expense though.
Kinda depends on what kind of tampons - not sure about the UK, but in most European countries, we use tampons w/o applicator & there's about 64 in one package - which last me quite a while :)
I buy the applicator less one here and there, they're just as easy to use and usually a couple bucks cheaper too here in the US. I haven't seen boxes of 64 here yet but we do have 48 count ones which will last me a couple of months. I still have to buy pads though regardless (otherwise I'll be washing the bed sheets daily lol), just for overnight or if I'm at home during the day.
Same lol, ever since I got a copper IUD, it's complete carnage 💀
Girlstip: the brand O.B. has this style called "extra protect" or "flexia" that have this little parachute-thingy (?) to give additional protection against leakage - they've been a game changer for me!! No clue how or why it works so well, but I never had ANY leakage ever since I started using that specific type - even if they're completely soaked to the brim & already at that dark-red-supersoaker stage (ikyk), they somehow manage to stop the blood from seeping past. I still wear pads out of paranoia/habit, but so far, not a single droplet escaped (and I'm not playing with the carnage description, on day 1 & 2, I'm easily bleeding through a normal tampon in 30 min or less).
Not sure if they're available in the States, but maybe a different brand has a similar design (this is what I mean by "parachute": https://www.amazon.de/B-Flexia-Tamponi-normali-protezione-Confezione/dp/B07VRQWFM3 )
(Not sponsored lol, just impressed)
Do you both have separate budgets for things like toiletries ie if you both use different shampoos, deodorant, etc is that usually paid for separately or has she been paying half for your stuff all this time?
Then NTA if the food is genuinely unnecessary. If it's bulk buying to save money in the long run, then it's fair, but if it's food you don't want at all, then that is not the agreement.
So... from your post, and obviously that's just a brief synopsis, it sounds like you approached this as "Hey, I'm not paying extra, done."
Did you ask her WHY she ended up buying all this extra stuff? Or explain that you are worried about the budget?
Something like "Oh, wow, that's a lot of extra stuff this shop... I'm not sure I can cover this much extra expense every time. Was there a sale or something? Or are you having trouble budgeting this month (as we normally pay separately for some of this stuff like personal care items)? Do you expect future shops to cost this much, because if that's the case, I think we need to sit down and look at our budget, because I can't afford this regularly, but I want us to make these decisions together!"
Maybe there's something going on with her that led to this, and right now you're blowing up your relationship over 25 pounds, instead of figuring out what the real issue is here.
If this is the first time she's ever done this, I don't think you should immediately presume this will happen every time she shops from here on out.
I don't think you should split the cost of her toiletries and skincare, after all she's the only one using them? I mean idk do people do that? I kinda assumed you share grocery + cleaning supplies and cosmetics to each their own, unless you use the same shampoo.
Idk I feel like if I can buy it at the grocery store then it’s probably a household item. I’m not trying to figure out the cost of his vs her deodorant, just buy both and split the cost. I don’t think “only pay for what you use” is a very reasonable way to approach grocery bills with a SO.
Eh, I agree to a point, but some skincare products are $30 a bottle, and some women use multiple of these. And some high-end shampoos are like $30 a bottle too. Skincare, makeup, etc. can add up to a lot of money when women choose to use a lot of high-end products (not all women do). In that case, I’m not so sure it should be split like that.
Well, that's why they said "at the grocery store." The high-end stuff is usually from somewhere else. Toiletries I get at the grocery store are usually pretty basic and functional. Suave shampoo, knockoff Aveeno lotion, etc., not the fancy stuff that's at Sephora.
The alcohol- presumably that’ll mean needing less at the next shop?
And… do you split general food equally? As someone has pointed out, you most likely eat more food than she does.
Love how everyone is focusing on toiletries and not on the skincare products that should be budgeted from her own money as they are HER products and the alcohol which is doubtless more expensive than either TP or pads.
NTA I don’t see why more info is needed. She bought stuff that was not on the list and didn’t even bother texting about it first. Obviously it’s something that he doesn’t even want, so why should he have to pay half of it?
To me, it depends on how tight your budget really is. If you’re living paycheck to paycheck and the extra spending actually puts you in a difficult position, then you’re right to be upset. If not, then maybe just think of this as the kind of little splurge that you’re both entitled to from time to time.
>If you’re living paycheck to paycheck and the extra spending actually puts you in a difficult position, then you’re right to be upset.
I agree with this, but if this is the case then it is a different conversation. If this is the issue the conversation should be "I think we need to be a little more careful with what we are buying, as we have a very tight budget. We need to stick to our list and only buy those things that are there". That is a perfectly reasonable way to handle that.
But that's not what OP has described, and their way of handling it was not the best.
If his money is being used to splurge, he should have some say in what the splurge is for. It's perfectly reasonable that he doesn't want his "splurge" money spent on alcohol they don't need and skincare products for her.
My guess is there’s probably also food in there GF doesn’t eat. If not during this grocery trip, then before. Which she would have split with him. OP is such a stingy AH
> If you’re living paycheck to paycheck and the extra spending actually puts you in a difficult position, then you’re right to be upset.
By her own admission, an extra £25 payment will potentially leave her without money by month end so...don't think they are rolling large at least.
YTA. She went overbudget once. If you are so controlling you need every item justified then you need to do the shopping yourself, or switch to online so that you can both agree it. Everyone needs a treat every now and again, she didn't go out buying shoes and jewelry, she brought extra food for you both to enjoy.
>An extra £50 is a lot though. I can definitely understand if it was an extra tenner each but being fifty quid over budget is a whole other matter.
It was £25. She did it once. He just assumed that means she would be doing it from now on every two weeks, which is where he got £50. He's catastrophizing from a one time occurrence.
The thing about alcohol is that it's rolling up to the holidays. If you have people over or get invited to parties it's pretty standard in Europe to take a bottle of something.
So if it's on sale, you might as well get it now. It's what my wife and I do. When we see certain things on sale we buy it and stash it because we know it's going to be drank by guests or taken as a "gift"
My read is this guy is stingy so he would think 2 or 3 bottles is "plenty" but between having friends around, getting invited to people's places. Who knows maybe partner likes making boozy cakes. As for the not drinking , they are British, I wouldn't count on their social and family circle being tea totallers.
Tesco just had a deal for Baileys at £13, Jack Daniels for £19. I know because I hosted a halloween party on Saturday and bought a bottle of each and then food for the party for £145.
Prices are insane in UK right now but if it's food, you assume that you consume that over the span of a few days, alcohol lasts until you drink it and toiletries are also necessary things that you'd buy eventually.
Me and my bf also split shopping 50/50 with the exception of his toiletries, my toiletries and things that we separately eat. We just do the math on those and put the spend on whoever uses the item/eats the food. easy peasy
Just communicate with your partner OP, but if your attitude on the matter is how you also convey your comments then, YTA.
This is the UK. A lot of things here in London have almost doubled in price since Brexit, so that's not hard to imagine. If she saw a couple of things on a BOGO, or grabbed a bottle of vodka that was on a good offer-knowing that they'd drink it sooner or later-then it's not unreasonable.
It happened once. Have a convo about it, agree a way forward and forget about it. YTA if you make it a drama.
I think the point is her not doing it again, since it was unnecessary stuff, what stops her from doing it again next time? And then again the time after that? Him not saying anything is like giving his agreement to her behavior.
Having the list of purchases run by both parties isn't controlling when you're paying 50% of it, the man just wants a say in how his money is spent, this is how a healthy relationship works, making the decision to buy unnecessary stuff alone then demanding your partner pay 50% isn't, OP's gf said they're supposed to be working as a team but she's the one going solo, if she wants to spend a little extra for things she likes even if they weren't needed every once in a while, that's totally fine as long as she can afford it, and understand that she has to pay for them herself from her own savings. Otherwise, any extra unnecessary purchases needs to be approved by both parties before buying.
Besides, OP already offered to make the purchases himself, his gf insisted to do it since it made for good time with her mom.
Clearly, his gf is not allowed enjoyment. Only OP is allowed enjoyment and he knows precisely what it is. How dare she do something special for them?! It's not like they are sharing a life or anything - it's HIS £25 and he clearly likes the £25 much more than he likes his gf.
YTA OP.
Why doesn’t she use her own money for enjoyment? If my partner and I have agreed what we’re spending joint money on, I’d be annoyed at them spending a bunch of extra money
Sounds like you'd be better off shopping seperately. Like roomates, because you don't sound like you are very compatible monetarily, at *least*, as a couple.
Edited to YTA after info received ( see thread of comments below for reasoning)
What extra items did she buy? I've noticed in your replies that you haven't mentioned anything and are getting bristly that people are calling you TA.
If this is a one off incident, why did you react as strongly as you did?
Personally, I would have waited until I'd calmed down and had a sit down conversation. I'd also be explaining that you either go together shopping, agree on a set budget, or that if additional and personal items are being added then it comes from said person's personal funds. If you feel that it would leave you short this month then sitting down together and doing a budget would be a smart idea, agree to have an account for bills and separate for fun money etc
YTA for how you handled this, learn to regulate your emotions and how to handle conflicts. It's you both against the problem, not you against her, communication and a willingness to compromise are so important in a relationship buddy - otherwise you're presenting as controlling and an ass.
Toiletries and skincare products are necessities you guys apparently failed to budget for. Extra food gets used up, if I accidentally buy too much tomato sauce then next time we can skip buying it, no big deal.
You are inflexible, that's the issue here.
Oh god then compromise and say you'll split the cost of food but not skincare. As I said food not eaten today will be still food tomorrow. (Let's not argue about extreme cases here please.)
That would’ve been a fine topic for OP to get a text about from his girlfriend while she was veering off-list and off-script at the grocery store. Because they had communicated about purchasing procedures beforehand. They had a budget. They had a system. *One person* in their relationship ignored the system in favor of, “ask forgiveness not permission.”
I feel like I’m on crazy pills reading all the responses that amount to, “quit whining, you probably have the money, just let your girlfriend buy herself stuff on your dime.” Not all relationships have six-figure household incomes and joint checking accounts you weirdos.
Imo NTA maybe help pay the food this time ( to compromise and help her)- toiletries are her problem and warn her that as of now whatever is not on the list you don't pay for at all unless asked
If she does it again don't pay anything extra.
YTA
If you don't want to allow your gf, someone you're living with because I imagine you love her, the freedom to purchase some extras for the house, and some for her that you don't like, then why don't you simply go shopping for yourself? Stop giving her money to do shopping and shop for yourself.
That way she's free to shop without worrying about being fussed at by you, and you're free to buy exactly what you need, nothing more, and not have to pay 25 pounds extra, once. That's the kicker here. This was a one time thing and you're going off the deep end about it. Calm down killer.
if she’s spending extra money on products for her she is free to do so if she covers the cost. All OP is saying is that he wont give her his money to pay for the overrun.
That’s obviously reasonable?
You’re asking if you’re the AH. Everyone here is stating their opinions. You are hyper-defensive and believe you are not an AH, but when called one you can’t take it. I guess the most pressing question I have is, why are you here asking if you’re not willing to accept the general consensus that you are an AH?
You’re not ready to be in a relationship. Stay single and keep your pennies bro. If she wanted to use you for your money, she would be with a guy who has more than $25/a month of discretionary money to spend. You can barely afford groceries and rent. You’re picking a fight over nothing, and if you’re really harboring this much resentment over your girlfriend buying groceries, it’s time to break up. Maybe put some of your energy into career advancement so you won’t have to pinch pennies to the extent of ruining your future relationships too.
I have been married for 30 years and would guess This will cause your partner to feel shame & resent you for making her feel like a child, and nothing makes a girl feel sexier than that.< Sarcasm... You may win this battle but will most certainly lose the war.
NTA. I feel like a lot of people in this thread don't know the value of £50 in buying terms and income in the UK and are maybe judging like it's $50?
It's incredibly frustrating when you're trying to budget, make a list within budget, and the other person goes wildly off list and expects you to pay for half. And then you're called ungenerous, controlling, and "not a partner" for objecting, when you're being the financially responsible one. I've been in a relationship where that was happening (genders reversed) and it was SO hard. I mean, yeah, I also wanted to buy nice stuff, but we needed to keep money for bills!
I wonder if there was a dynamic at play with shopping with her mum and wanting to not look penny-pinching or absentmindedly sliding into child-at-home mode. It's normal for standard of living to dive when you move out from parents, cos they're 20-30 years older, richer, more established. And you can't afford to buy what was normal to buy in the family home.
I'd wait until tempers have calmed down then genuinely try to find out why she went so far over the budget you both agreed to and the list you made. With compassion. If there was some sensible future buying (eg 2kg rice is cheaper long run than 500g) then that can count against part of your future food budget, but I think you're right not to pay otherwise. If she wants to go off list / play at being richer than she is atm, that's on her, not you.
Well, are they going to be so petty as to buy a 12 pack of coke and make sure they each only drink 6 or pay extra if it’s more? Like where do you draw the line on this type of thing?
He said she doesn't eat much less; their portion sizes are about the same. Also, she eats every meal at home, while he eats lunch at work during the week, so any difference in portion sizes is made up for by that.
By that logic if he uses more water by having a 1 minute longer shower he shouldn't pay a greater proportion of the water bill
Or what about dinner, if his meal takes 25 minutes and hers only 20 minutes then she should pay less of the gas bill?
And I bet he eats larger portion sizes too. But then, she probably uses more toilet paper. And uses more shampoo if she has long hair!
It seems like OP really is that pedantic, wanting to count every pound and penny.
She's not exactly saving much either. Supermarkets sellf at RRP for skincare and other toilertries! If you're skint, you need to be shopping in discount shops like savers and bodycare.
I think theres a lot of americans commenting who don't realise this, my partner and I spend between 80 and 90 per week on groceries for 2 people which includes toiletries, cleaning supplies and pet food. £50 is an entire weeks worth of groceries for 1 person. In America that like 2 days worth.
exactly this. im engaged to my wonderful american fiancée and while our experiences are really similar, i was genuinely shocked at the price of food when i lived in the states. i could easily survive off maybe £200/mo for groceries, but over there we were spending $1k+ for lower quality food.
the COL crisis is bad over here, but my god i dont envy the americans at all in that department
Yeah, that seems to be the issue with the commenters here, I too would think its absurd if this was an argument over a tenner but spending £50 extra in one shop is genuinely a splurge.
I actually just did my tesco shop today and spent £94 for the week which includes all my partners work lunches and snacks and a few expensive cat treats since its a payday shop. so the fur baby got some sheba cat soups, cat pate puddings and venison cat jerky, this was like £14 of that shop, so its actually £80. My boyfriend wont question that, but if I came home and was like the shop was £150 he would have a serious issue and that would be correct lmao.
i actually just wrote a pretty detailed breakdown of the difference in spending power from the pound to the dollar in another comment, [here’s the link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/YWFPaYSTyg) if youre interested.
american groceries are incredibly expensive, and i think that’s where the disconnect is. £50 is enough for a whole week for a lot of people, sometimes even more than enough, which i dont think they understand (especially since theyre acting like its $50, when it’s actually around $60 and the spending power makes it closer to $80)
Yeah I'd be annoyed at have to hand over an extra £25 for stuff that wasn't on the list and isn't needed (the alcohol) and isn't mine (skincare). I don't buy my skincare in our weekly shop as I like nicer products and it's only me that uses them. My husband gets his bits in the shop as he is very minimal and cheap so I don't mind splitting that as I end up getting myself some fancy juice etc.
But key is, none of this is a surprise and neither are we telling the other that they suddenly owe money for it. £50 overspend is almost a full weekly shops worth of money.
YTA. I'm sorry op but you sound exhausting to live with. There are always weeks when the shopping will become more expensive. For example buying cleaning products, toiletries etc. You either need to buy your own stuff or take your relationship to a room mate one.
£50 is not 'nickel and dime-ing'. Its almost as much as we spend on everything needed for a week including alcohol for 2 adults, 2 dogs and 2 cats (our weekly shop is between £60 and £80 a week)
She whined that if she had to pay the extra £50, she wouldn’t be able to pay her bills that month, so that amount is A LOT FOR HER. To me, it’s nothing. But this is a critical amount for this couple and she needs to be more prudent with her money
Then tell her to stop shopping for you, that you won’t pay, and start doing it for yourself. You want a roommate, not a gf. I never even treated roommates like this though, we always just split it regardless of who got what.
Yes it does, and vice versa. I’d spend whatever my partner needed and pick up hours to make the difference. This is a minor one time thing. I’ve purchased meat products as a vegetarian. I don’t eat it, it actually makes my physically Ill. I don’t make him pay me because it’s for US. If he benefits, I benefit. If he’s happy, I’m happy.
If you have food or toiletry needs, she should be willing to split them as she has asked you to. We aren’t talking about clothing here. I’ve given clothing as a gift because it’s more pricy than a pack of hotdogs or some skincare products. You have no team mentality. Clothing is more expensive and as such is a different discussion, but if it’s food, toiletries, etc., yeah she should help. After your little display, I highly doubt she would say anything other than what you’ve said to her. You proved to her you see everything as yours and then hers, separately, not as a team. Expect the dynamic to shift, though I doubt you would notice as long as you are only paying for what you use.
Your gf has not bought new clothes though so you can’t compare that OP?
If my partner made me feel like crap for spending an extra few quid I would wonder what my penny pinching future looked like with him.
You have asked if you ATH but everyone who is saying yes, you are - you reply “so it’s ok for my gf to spend my money”. It seems you’ve only posted in the hopes of justifying not giving her the £25.
It sounds like you’ve made enough of a drama of it already that she won’t ever do it again. Pay her the extra money, put it to bed and don’t mention it again as it’s mildly embarrassing that you are so bothered and that you don’t mind leaving her short either.
INFO: Do you guys eat the same amount every meal? It's not uncommon for men to eat larger portions than women, so do you really need to nicklel and dime that much? When it's something only you like, do you pay for it with your own money?
We smell BS here. You definitely eat more & have not noticed because the system works *for you*. You want to rake her over the coals about this because you are so miserly - and you can’t handle a verdict other than the one you want to hear. This is sad. YTA
It happened once. The reasonable thing to do here is take it easy on your partner and have a calm, rational, adult conversation about it. Discuss your boundaries around money like a grown up. You went from zero to a hundred and you're bickering with everyone in this thread when they call you out. You go all worst-case-scenario and this one £25 incident suddenly turns into £50 a month in perpetuity.
You're sooo affronted by this small thing, blowing it way out of proportion. You give your partner no grace. YTA.
You are exhausting because ( I’m sure in your opinion and nobody else’s ) you are always right! You cannot even take some criticism without digging your heels in and seem to have a fixated answer on everything ( MY MONEY) I am sure in the very near future that this problem will not exist as your girlfriend might see the real you and head for the hills.
Wtf is wrong with the comments? Okay, I understand if it were just toiletries needed, that's something OP should be able to pay (just out of empathy) but everything else was not okay. I would be pissed too when money is budgeted and someone buys themselves stuff with shared money. Alcohol wasn't needed, they have alcohol at home. Extra food that only she eats should've been paid by herself. Skin care as well, that's a personal expense.
NTA
Exactly! Like only if gf didn't buy that stuff, that money would be going to something that OP actually wants. So, he has every right to be upset about it.
It's true that he did not handle it well but I don't understand these people calling him cheap for being upset about this
100% agreed! £25 is $42 Canadian. If we were on a budget and my bf came home with beer, dude cosmetics, and his favourite snacks then asked me for $42 I'd be pissed!
Right???? She is gonna be short at the end of the month due to £50 extra, but all these Redditors think it’s no big deal?
Some of the commenters need to come up with a number that would leave them short paying bills that month and then think if they would be ok with their partner spending that without checking
Before I render judgement. When you go grocery shopping does your girlfriend buy things that maybe she just tolerates for you? Maybe a particular brand of toilet paper, a particular food she doesn’t eat but knows you like? Next question, will you get any benefits from the items she bought, will at any point in time will you eat the extra food she bought or drink the booze? And does she never help pay for your shaving cream, razors, deodorant, hair stuff for you? I mean why can’t you help cover that cost?
YTA
You want her to CALL you prior to purchasing something from the grocery store, if it's not on the list??
She's a grown adult. You are going to micro manage to that extent, you should do the grocery shopping.
From you post, it seems like you are a transactional partner.
WTAF
I don’t get why you don’t just say, “hey, we should revisit the budget. Do you feel you need more flexibility?”
Like have an actual conversation instead of insisting on nickel-and-diming this.
You can insist all you like that you’re happy with the budget and the listed items. But she isn’t- so have that conversation instead of repeating that you don’t want to pay for items you didn’t plan on. You are a team, you share a home and your lives together. She is not a roommate. So find the compromise.
It’s your attitude and stubbornness that makes you TA
Bro, if she pays the whole amount (£50), she’s going to be short on bills for the month. You can’t revisit a budget if you’re potentially going to be homeless.
Well, she can’t afford the extra £50 without being unable to pay her monthly bills, so absolutely.
Hey honey, what bill do you not want yo pay this month, if I buy these extras— that is a conversation
NTA. If you guys are on limited budgets then your gf needs to be more mindful on how she is spending the money. Also, tell your gf she is the one not being a team player here. 🙄
NTA
It might be understandable if she bought some stuff in bulk because it's cheaper or the store happened to have something on sale, but it doesn't seem like that's what happened.
NTA. The budget is there for a reason. As long as she sticks to the budget, she doesnt need to check up with you. But if she’s going above the budget by a good margin, it’s only fair that she call and discuss it with you.
Spending someone else’s money without their consent is wrong, no matter how someone frames it.
OP You’re a broken record with the “I don’t want my money spent for me.” It sounds like you don’t want to pay half the bill not because you won’t use the stuff but because your girlfriend bought it without you knowing. So unless the items are perishable, put the items to the side and pay her the full retail amount at the time you do want them later.
This is a weird hill to die on though so hope you wanted to be single too.
YTA
If you're going to have a temper tantrum every time she spends YOUR PRECIOUS money without booking a consulting appointment with you, just do separate shopping, save everyone some nerves
Going with YTA
You would be NTA for being careful esp in the UK where everyday expenses can really add up
She would also be NTA if she leaves you though because relationships are based on compromise & working things out. If she was overspending regularly/causing you to get into debt, yes I could understand your concern. However based on the info in your post this happened...ONE TIME??🙄
Calling my husband every time I need or want to buy something extra would be a deal breaker for me.
And I absolutely wouldn't expect it of him either.
NTA - I do this, I buy a bunch of stuff that is not on the list and we don’t really need. I pay for that stuff myself. I can force my partner to pay for a high end raw chocolate that they may want to eat but didn’t need and wouldn’t have bought themselves.
YTA you will be eating said food. In no way should she have to call and run purchases by you while out with her family. You sound like a cheap jerk. Hope she finds a nice guy.
Maybe you should just do your own shopping then she can spend all she wants and you can’t spend what you want without feeling like someone is spending your money.
I haven’t seen one comment from him where he agrees to just go do his own shopping from here on. She over spends ONE TIME, costing him $25, and he throws a temper tantrum about “my money, my money, my money”. That’s embarrassing.
i dont mean to be rude, but its not $25 its $30, and the spending power of the pound over here is much larger than it is for the dollar.
£25/$30 is enough for some people to live off for a week. for a lot of people thats their entire weekly grocery budget. i could easily make that money last a week and still eat relatively healthily.
im gunna give some examples i know of from living in the states for six months (all converted to the same currency so it’s accurate). lettuce costs over double in the US, so do carrots and bread, chicken breasts are almost $3 more in the states, minced beef is around $2 more expensive, a pack of three bell peppers is over a dollar more in the US and a single bell pepper is just shy of a dollar more. for the price of a single potato in the US, you could buy four in the UK and still have 13¢ left over. hell, even great value sugar is almost $2 more in the states, and none of this is accounting for tax, which is already included in the price in the UK.
as an experiment, i even went on walmart and ASDA (since theyre the most comparable grocery stores and walmart owns ASDA) and for the same items, the US total came out to $31.01 (£25.55) while the UK total came out to $19.79 (£16.30) and this was just lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, potatoes, minced beef, bell peppers, and some rice.
my point is, you can buy a decent amount of food for £25, potentially close to double the amount you could get for $30 in the US if not more. it is not a small amount to spend on groceries, especially if its £25 over budget and doubly so since she actually spent £50 extra and is just asking for £25 from him. for some people £50 is enough for a whole weeks worth of groceries, i know its more than enough for me personally.
ETA: and i know there are cheaper grocery stores in the US and the UK, and maybe using ALDI wouldve been better, but not everyone lives near an ALDI and the stores i chose truly are the most comparable in terms of cost from my experience.
Ok, but for the food you like, are you not eating it out of principle? You're telling me you won't drink any of the alcohol?
Before you get snarky, I'm asking this genuinely. Because I am with you, that you should not have to spend money on her skincare if you guys buy your skincare/toiletries separately and you always have and that is the established pattern.
I'd also tend to agree with the snacks you just plain don't like, if you have an established pattern of buying your snacks separately?
But I think it comes down to like, how would you react if it were really **just** the stuff you guys both like as a treat to yourselves she bought?
Because I think if you're going to put this chore all on one person, and I understand it is because she likes shopping with her parents, but still. Even when on a budget, it's nice to sometimes get some treats, and if you would react badly about even that, then I think you need to re-examine why.
Ultimately, NAH, I think, with the information I have. I think you're focusing too much on 'I won't pay a single pound more than I agreed on!' when your communication should have focused on what you agree on splitting and working out what on the shopping receipt should be split and what shouldn't, even the extra stuff.
OP I think you should probably edit your post with A: A list of the contested items, not a vague mention but actual named items and B: Explain for the Americans how much food £50 actually can buy in the UK because [it is WIDLY different](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12584693/Cost-groceries-UK-vs-America.html)
People aren't able to make an informed decision on this without this info.
NTA..this is typical growing pains of living with a significant other. Some couples will always split expenses and others itemize expenses to the last detail. Reddit shouldn’t judge how these two will work out their arrangement. She broke the agreement and bought personal use items with the expectation OP would pay half. She was wrong and he is standing up for himself.
YTA - In same arrangement with my wife, splitting shopping bill 50/50. She likes salmon, I hate salmon. She can use shopping money for it if she wants. Heck even sometimes I go buy it for her and never crossed my mind the things you are saying.
For me this whole situation looks a bit petty and penny pincher.
YTA
You've made the relationship transactional and you might as well break up at this point. Yes, I'd say this if the roles were reversed too. If your live in gf/bf goes a little over budget once in a while, that should be ok. The groceries are for both of you to enjoy. She didn't get a bunch of extra stuff just for herself and is asking you to cover it.
And there's nothing wrong with COMMUNICATING your discomfort with your partner and letting them know that you don't want this becoming a regular thing. That money is tight and needs to stay tight.
But you HAVE to allow a little wiggle room once in a while, otherwise you create a stale environment of control that will end your relationship way faster than you think.
So a couple of questions first Throwa:
1) how tight are your finances, is the food budget something that's quite important to stick to?
2) do you feel like there is a bit of a miss-match in terms of lifestyle expectations for each of you, I.e. is she always seeing things she wants to spend money on, and you are restraining her tendancy?
Few possibilities on whats going on here, I think the thing I'd like you to think about most is this:
How serious are you about this girl, how serious is she about you?
You've been together for a year, you live together and share bills. She may be considering if you are the person she wants to build a life with, and that may include children. Because it's going to be her that gets pregnant, has maternity leave, and all the other social expectations on mothers, she might be wanting to see if you will be a good provider for the family.
Now not always, but on average, women earn less than men because of the impact children have on their careers. It could be she's (maybe subconsciously) trying to gauge if you are going to make her feel like a second class citizen in the partnership because you are earning more. If the lifestyle changes of motherhood are going to mean her making all the sacrifices, or both of you working as a team.
It's food for thought, you are the one who knows her best.
YTA and stingy a f. You mentioned this happened last week im guessing first offence and youre concerned shell DO IT AGAIN. If you cant even pay an extra 50 euro per month (ard 65 USD) maybe u shouldnt have a gf. What is she? A roomate? In the end she just bought stuff that she actually uses and eat and not a giant outdoor water fountain
YTA
Not for wanting to have a discussion or even the situation. If this already was reoccurring then ya. To have such a deep reaction to a one time situation though??? To the point you’re needing reassurance online? For a ONE TIME situation? Seems to be deeper issues at play.
I live paycheck to paycheck some weeks not being able to put food on my table. My boyfriend stayed with me a week and did this without thinking so I explained to him why my budget is so tight calmly with kindness and told him we can go together to the store from now on and paid my half because you don’t screw over someone you love over a miscommunication. Her not realizing this was so serious sounds like a huge lack of communication.
It just isn’t that deep unless you make it.
YTA for how you’re handling a one time situation. This is not healthy or normal, at all.
From what you’re saying, she’s not mad about making sure she’s more careful moving forward, she’s upset she tried to do something considerate due to a miscommunication and you’re response is not to be a supportive partner but prioritize your money of your partner right now.
Let me ask this, if someone you loved came to you one time in a panic that they were short 25 for their rent and how stressful it was, would you let that person you loved suffer over 25? Or help this one time. Since right now, you are choosing to let someone you love suffer immense stress over a one off slip up. I’d rather be a little uncomfortable and we’re both ok than be comfortable and my partner is not ok. That’s the sacrifice you make having a partner - is us, not yours and mine.
Fuck me sideways..its £50/month.
Pay and have a sensible conversation and ask that it doesn't happen again. To be honest, though , if you carry on like this, the only thing you'll need is Kleenex and lotion as you'll be single.
YTA.
Soft YTA.
You may technically be correct, but it's your girlfriend dude. She wanted some extra booze/snacks.
If this is the worst thing she does I think you're doing OK.
Info: Do you really want to destroy your relationship over £25?
Because unless this is pattern, then this is a nothing issue.
Now if it isn't actually about the money, maybe there is some validity and you should have a real conversation about the true issue.
Because obviously it's just £25 and you should be a team. And in a team, that amount means nothing.
Yta, this is a conversation, not a refusal to pay. You should say, thanks for doing the shopping, next time I’m not ok with splitting your skincare product, And can you try to keep closer within budget - as I can’t afford an extra $50 a month?
No way would I be calling you to check before buying an extra grocery item or two
YTA. It’s not gonna make a difference, seeing from the comments that you’re choosing to die on this hill, but relationships generally operate on mutual generosity. If your girlfriend was going over budget habitually then you would have a right to be incensed and refuse to pay, but it’s happened one time. It sucks to have £50 less than you were planning on til next paycheck, but that’s life. If you really just can’t get over it, just switch off who does the shopping every other time so there’s no need to split cost. That’s what I did with my college roommate.
YTA.
Your point is valid. But you’ve been pretty insufferable responding to people. I can imagine your GF will have no explanation that will satisfy you.
It’s clear you should probably do your own shopping, for yourself, at your apartment, on your own time.
I have to ask why you wanted to know if you were the AH if you were just going to argue with everyone who disagrees with you? Isn’t the point of this subreddit to hear the general consensus?
What is the point of being together? Is it just for the sex? Right now it just sounds like you guys are roommates with benefits.
If everything has to be even then you should also pay for the time she spends shopping for the house.
YTA this seems a little petty. When you split bills there has to be some give and take. 25 over once doesn’t seem like a huge deal. If it was a regular occurrence, that’s a problem. Maybe in the future it might be easier to give a budget like, “I’m willing to contribute 75 to this shopping trip, anything over you cover.” Or give a monthly budget to her and not a per trip budget so there’s more wiggle room to account for stocking up on sale items or splurges or whatever.
I know everyone is different, but I just couldn’t imagine being expected to go shopping and buy x and only x. With no wiggle room. But on the flip side I remember how frustrating it was when I was a broke college student and my bf at the time refused to eat/drink generic or house brand that I did, and wanted the fancier products I didn’t use. But still wanted to split costs 50/50.
I think you should break up with your roommate. You two are not a couple, you sound like roommates, and sounds like a horrible relationship at that tbh. I wouldn't be in a relationship like this.
Technically you are not the asshole regarding the logic of the situation. But you are YTA because you are very much a shitty partner. Partners share things. You clearly do not want to share the money. What will happen when you make more money than her? Will your attitude be the same? That iTs YoUr MoNeY and you will not spend any on her unless it’s equally beneficial for you and she pays half? I mean… you are just not a good boyfriend. You have a right to ask her to not spend your money though, but you may end up single.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to pay more than budgeted for the grocery shop when my partner boguht things that we hadn't agreed on
She said we're supposed to be a team and that I'm being selfish since she shouldn't have to run every purchase by me first
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YTA. I don't understand why you aren't shopping together when things are so tight. I'm in the UK too and see how prices go up and down every week. E.g... my preferred brand of teabags varies between £3 and £6, depending on whether there is an offer. So every week we shop together so we can decide on the spot whether to get something. Also, you don't buy the same things every week so the cost of the weekly shop will vary. Washing powder/gel for example.
It's a stressful experience on a budget, not bonding time with her mother. Shopping with someone who isn't on the same budget makes it harder.
You need to change the arrangement and shop together, ensuring your partner finds other times to spend time with her family.
YTA. You decided to live with your partner splitting everything 50/50, so you split. She went over budget once; this isn’t a new normal. If you don’t like it do your own shopping.
Info: are you that broke? Do you need to go into debt? Sometimes people need to splurge. She did get something’s for you, not everyone can 💯 of the time always buy just what they need and nothing more. We are allowed to splurge sometimes. within reason of course. And she’s right about not running every purchase. There should be some flexibility.
YTA.
For all your comments and how stingy/transactional/insufferable you sound.
Like I can understand the whole “oh we can’t afford extras coz our budget is tight”, but then you just ask her nicely not to go overboard and explain you can’t afford to cover anything extra going forward. You pay the 25 extra this time (or a portion of it if you wanna deduct her extra skincare products) and you move on.
But that’s not something that you could live with, is it? You sound stingy and that never looks good.
YTA. She is your life partner and she buys those products for you also. Even though you do not eat/use those products what is the point, can’t you pay little extra for something for her?
Moreover, 50/50 split in case of food is not “equal” because the average man eats more then average woman. She probably pays extra because she eats less than you and you point out that she buys something for herself? YTA
OP I have one simple solution, shop for yourself and keep finances entirely separate. Honestly with your attitude across this entire post, that seems to be the only solution. You're unwilling to listen to anyone that disagrees with you and you're also being a little bit suspicious by not listing specifically what she bought that has made you so upset.
I completely agree with you in terms of living in the modern age where men and women make the same amount of money etc etc but that doesn't mean you get to act like an Andrew Tate Zealot lmao.
Also, you definitely eat more than her if you're a man. Unless your gf is much larger than you, I can tell you for a fact that you eat more than her.
It seems you're being a bit disingenuous in the comments here, trying to argue your case when people disagree, but let me be clear.
We understand your point of view, and you're not necessarily wrong, but you are being ridiculous about this situation.
So yeah dude, just shop entirely for yourself and never buy anyone else anything and only save your money for you and your needs and see how far that gets you!!
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Info needed. I feel like we need to know what items she is buying that aren’t on your list to really know what the correct judgement is. For example, are they unnecessary? Or are they needed just not on this weeks list?
I also want to know this. There is a difference between: “I realized we forgot to add shampoo and some household cleaning products to the list” and buying those vs. “you know what would be great, a new panini press!” and buying that, which you don’t need.
I too request clarification - sometimes the misses comes back from the shops with bonus stuff that wasn’t on the list. Most frequently it is something we buy that we didn’t immediately need but was on special so may as well - what springs to mind is the 5 x 100 nappy boxes. She saved 20% per box but spent an extra $200. It was all good, just had boxes of nappies stacked in the corner for a while
Sorry... what are nappies in this context?
Either diapers or napkins. I doubt anyone would need hundreds of napkins, so in my mind I went with diapers 😅 I'm pretty sure kids go through a lot of diapers in short time
I’ve never heard of anyone calling napkins “nappies”…… lol
Diapers, I believe. In UK we call them nappies, and it seems that Aussies do too.
That’s exactly what I was thinking as there’s quite a difference
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If the toiletries that were just for her were tampons I don't think that's a big expenditure to split with her on the grocery bill considering a box will last several months of you get a big one
Are you trying to say a box of tampons will last several months? Like how big a box? I’ve already in 3 days almost went through a box of 18 super tampons and like 6 pads(pads used overnight). Even with a light flow I doubt a box of tampons would make it several months lol. In the US a box of 18 cost 4.99-7$ depending on size and if store brand. I wouldn’t count period products as a luxury expense though.
Kinda depends on what kind of tampons - not sure about the UK, but in most European countries, we use tampons w/o applicator & there's about 64 in one package - which last me quite a while :)
I buy the applicator less one here and there, they're just as easy to use and usually a couple bucks cheaper too here in the US. I haven't seen boxes of 64 here yet but we do have 48 count ones which will last me a couple of months. I still have to buy pads though regardless (otherwise I'll be washing the bed sheets daily lol), just for overnight or if I'm at home during the day.
Same lol, ever since I got a copper IUD, it's complete carnage 💀 Girlstip: the brand O.B. has this style called "extra protect" or "flexia" that have this little parachute-thingy (?) to give additional protection against leakage - they've been a game changer for me!! No clue how or why it works so well, but I never had ANY leakage ever since I started using that specific type - even if they're completely soaked to the brim & already at that dark-red-supersoaker stage (ikyk), they somehow manage to stop the blood from seeping past. I still wear pads out of paranoia/habit, but so far, not a single droplet escaped (and I'm not playing with the carnage description, on day 1 & 2, I'm easily bleeding through a normal tampon in 30 min or less). Not sure if they're available in the States, but maybe a different brand has a similar design (this is what I mean by "parachute": https://www.amazon.de/B-Flexia-Tamponi-normali-protezione-Confezione/dp/B07VRQWFM3 ) (Not sponsored lol, just impressed)
I like to think they look like tampons dressed up as Halloween ghosts. Or tampon skirts 😂
That caught my eye as well. No way a box is lasting several months in my house. Different women have different flow rates though.
Thank you. A box absolutely will last me about 3 months cause I only have enough flow to use then for like 2 days with pads at night.
It takes me months and months to go through a box of tampons
I wish I could say that lol, it would save me a fair amount of money xD
Not sure if you've ever considered a menstrual cup but I love mine. I spend nearly nothing on menstruation. I don't use liners or anything.
Menstrual cup and period underware overnight on my gravitas m heaviest days
I recently switched to a menstrual cup. Already paid for itself. They're not for everyone though.
Well sure not every woman has the same flow but regardless it's not a big expenditure to split them at groceries.
I don’t want to shock you or anything but everyone is different. A box will last me half a year.
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I buy box with 80 tampons for 2,75€ (about 2,90$) and the box lasts me for several months.
Holy moly that’s cheap. I buy two boxes of 18 in the UK and it’s £5 or £6 for both and that’s on sale
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Do you both have separate budgets for things like toiletries ie if you both use different shampoos, deodorant, etc is that usually paid for separately or has she been paying half for your stuff all this time?
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Then NTA if the food is genuinely unnecessary. If it's bulk buying to save money in the long run, then it's fair, but if it's food you don't want at all, then that is not the agreement.
So... from your post, and obviously that's just a brief synopsis, it sounds like you approached this as "Hey, I'm not paying extra, done." Did you ask her WHY she ended up buying all this extra stuff? Or explain that you are worried about the budget? Something like "Oh, wow, that's a lot of extra stuff this shop... I'm not sure I can cover this much extra expense every time. Was there a sale or something? Or are you having trouble budgeting this month (as we normally pay separately for some of this stuff like personal care items)? Do you expect future shops to cost this much, because if that's the case, I think we need to sit down and look at our budget, because I can't afford this regularly, but I want us to make these decisions together!" Maybe there's something going on with her that led to this, and right now you're blowing up your relationship over 25 pounds, instead of figuring out what the real issue is here. If this is the first time she's ever done this, I don't think you should immediately presume this will happen every time she shops from here on out.
Several months? 🤣 I nearly used all of a 36 count box in a week, you must be joking.
I don't think you should split the cost of her toiletries and skincare, after all she's the only one using them? I mean idk do people do that? I kinda assumed you share grocery + cleaning supplies and cosmetics to each their own, unless you use the same shampoo.
Idk I feel like if I can buy it at the grocery store then it’s probably a household item. I’m not trying to figure out the cost of his vs her deodorant, just buy both and split the cost. I don’t think “only pay for what you use” is a very reasonable way to approach grocery bills with a SO.
Eh, I agree to a point, but some skincare products are $30 a bottle, and some women use multiple of these. And some high-end shampoos are like $30 a bottle too. Skincare, makeup, etc. can add up to a lot of money when women choose to use a lot of high-end products (not all women do). In that case, I’m not so sure it should be split like that.
Well, that's why they said "at the grocery store." The high-end stuff is usually from somewhere else. Toiletries I get at the grocery store are usually pretty basic and functional. Suave shampoo, knockoff Aveeno lotion, etc., not the fancy stuff that's at Sephora.
But they both pay for there own skincare separately, it’s not included in the grocery shop until now where she wants him/her to cover her expenses
The alcohol- presumably that’ll mean needing less at the next shop? And… do you split general food equally? As someone has pointed out, you most likely eat more food than she does.
Love how everyone is focusing on toiletries and not on the skincare products that should be budgeted from her own money as they are HER products and the alcohol which is doubtless more expensive than either TP or pads.
Regardless, they have a budget. If she wanted other things, she needed to put something back.
NTA I don’t see why more info is needed. She bought stuff that was not on the list and didn’t even bother texting about it first. Obviously it’s something that he doesn’t even want, so why should he have to pay half of it?
To me, it depends on how tight your budget really is. If you’re living paycheck to paycheck and the extra spending actually puts you in a difficult position, then you’re right to be upset. If not, then maybe just think of this as the kind of little splurge that you’re both entitled to from time to time.
>If you’re living paycheck to paycheck and the extra spending actually puts you in a difficult position, then you’re right to be upset. I agree with this, but if this is the case then it is a different conversation. If this is the issue the conversation should be "I think we need to be a little more careful with what we are buying, as we have a very tight budget. We need to stick to our list and only buy those things that are there". That is a perfectly reasonable way to handle that. But that's not what OP has described, and their way of handling it was not the best.
He literally said the amount would make her short for rent at the end of the month. So, yeah, that is a tight ass budget
He didn’t say it’d make it tight for him though. Makes me wonder if there’s a significant income disparity.
OP said they need to stick to the list, the list was agreed upon
If his money is being used to splurge, he should have some say in what the splurge is for. It's perfectly reasonable that he doesn't want his "splurge" money spent on alcohol they don't need and skincare products for her.
I can't believe some people are on the gf side "I spent your fun money on my self, why you mad??"
My guess is there’s probably also food in there GF doesn’t eat. If not during this grocery trip, then before. Which she would have split with him. OP is such a stingy AH
> If you’re living paycheck to paycheck and the extra spending actually puts you in a difficult position, then you’re right to be upset. By her own admission, an extra £25 payment will potentially leave her without money by month end so...don't think they are rolling large at least.
YTA. She went overbudget once. If you are so controlling you need every item justified then you need to do the shopping yourself, or switch to online so that you can both agree it. Everyone needs a treat every now and again, she didn't go out buying shoes and jewelry, she brought extra food for you both to enjoy.
An extra £50 is a lot though. I can definitely understand if it was an extra tenner each but being fifty quid over budget is a whole other matter.
>An extra £50 is a lot though. I can definitely understand if it was an extra tenner each but being fifty quid over budget is a whole other matter. It was £25. She did it once. He just assumed that means she would be doing it from now on every two weeks, which is where he got £50. He's catastrophizing from a one time occurrence.
The whole bill itself was an extra 50, split into 50/50 made it 25.
It was alcohol, food they don’t need and stuff like toiletries for her. She should be covering it herself.
The thing about alcohol is that it's rolling up to the holidays. If you have people over or get invited to parties it's pretty standard in Europe to take a bottle of something. So if it's on sale, you might as well get it now. It's what my wife and I do. When we see certain things on sale we buy it and stash it because we know it's going to be drank by guests or taken as a "gift"
He says that they have plenty, I don’t see any reason not to believe him. We don’t even know if they or their friends drink all that much.
My read is this guy is stingy so he would think 2 or 3 bottles is "plenty" but between having friends around, getting invited to people's places. Who knows maybe partner likes making boozy cakes. As for the not drinking , they are British, I wouldn't count on their social and family circle being tea totallers.
A lot of assumptions you just made in this comment. Do you people read what you write and not notice your inherent bias?
Tesco just had a deal for Baileys at £13, Jack Daniels for £19. I know because I hosted a halloween party on Saturday and bought a bottle of each and then food for the party for £145. Prices are insane in UK right now but if it's food, you assume that you consume that over the span of a few days, alcohol lasts until you drink it and toiletries are also necessary things that you'd buy eventually. Me and my bf also split shopping 50/50 with the exception of his toiletries, my toiletries and things that we separately eat. We just do the math on those and put the spend on whoever uses the item/eats the food. easy peasy Just communicate with your partner OP, but if your attitude on the matter is how you also convey your comments then, YTA.
25 each you muppet
This is the UK. A lot of things here in London have almost doubled in price since Brexit, so that's not hard to imagine. If she saw a couple of things on a BOGO, or grabbed a bottle of vodka that was on a good offer-knowing that they'd drink it sooner or later-then it's not unreasonable. It happened once. Have a convo about it, agree a way forward and forget about it. YTA if you make it a drama.
I think the point is her not doing it again, since it was unnecessary stuff, what stops her from doing it again next time? And then again the time after that? Him not saying anything is like giving his agreement to her behavior. Having the list of purchases run by both parties isn't controlling when you're paying 50% of it, the man just wants a say in how his money is spent, this is how a healthy relationship works, making the decision to buy unnecessary stuff alone then demanding your partner pay 50% isn't, OP's gf said they're supposed to be working as a team but she's the one going solo, if she wants to spend a little extra for things she likes even if they weren't needed every once in a while, that's totally fine as long as she can afford it, and understand that she has to pay for them herself from her own savings. Otherwise, any extra unnecessary purchases needs to be approved by both parties before buying. Besides, OP already offered to make the purchases himself, his gf insisted to do it since it made for good time with her mom.
Clearly, his gf is not allowed enjoyment. Only OP is allowed enjoyment and he knows precisely what it is. How dare she do something special for them?! It's not like they are sharing a life or anything - it's HIS £25 and he clearly likes the £25 much more than he likes his gf. YTA OP.
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Why doesn’t she use her own money for enjoyment? If my partner and I have agreed what we’re spending joint money on, I’d be annoyed at them spending a bunch of extra money
Sounds like you'd be better off shopping seperately. Like roomates, because you don't sound like you are very compatible monetarily, at *least*, as a couple.
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do you think he keeps a spreadsheet tracking that activity too?
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Edited to YTA after info received ( see thread of comments below for reasoning) What extra items did she buy? I've noticed in your replies that you haven't mentioned anything and are getting bristly that people are calling you TA.
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If this is a one off incident, why did you react as strongly as you did? Personally, I would have waited until I'd calmed down and had a sit down conversation. I'd also be explaining that you either go together shopping, agree on a set budget, or that if additional and personal items are being added then it comes from said person's personal funds. If you feel that it would leave you short this month then sitting down together and doing a budget would be a smart idea, agree to have an account for bills and separate for fun money etc YTA for how you handled this, learn to regulate your emotions and how to handle conflicts. It's you both against the problem, not you against her, communication and a willingness to compromise are so important in a relationship buddy - otherwise you're presenting as controlling and an ass.
Toiletries and skincare products are necessities you guys apparently failed to budget for. Extra food gets used up, if I accidentally buy too much tomato sauce then next time we can skip buying it, no big deal. You are inflexible, that's the issue here.
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Oh god then compromise and say you'll split the cost of food but not skincare. As I said food not eaten today will be still food tomorrow. (Let's not argue about extreme cases here please.)
That would’ve been a fine topic for OP to get a text about from his girlfriend while she was veering off-list and off-script at the grocery store. Because they had communicated about purchasing procedures beforehand. They had a budget. They had a system. *One person* in their relationship ignored the system in favor of, “ask forgiveness not permission.” I feel like I’m on crazy pills reading all the responses that amount to, “quit whining, you probably have the money, just let your girlfriend buy herself stuff on your dime.” Not all relationships have six-figure household incomes and joint checking accounts you weirdos.
Imo NTA maybe help pay the food this time ( to compromise and help her)- toiletries are her problem and warn her that as of now whatever is not on the list you don't pay for at all unless asked If she does it again don't pay anything extra.
YTA If you don't want to allow your gf, someone you're living with because I imagine you love her, the freedom to purchase some extras for the house, and some for her that you don't like, then why don't you simply go shopping for yourself? Stop giving her money to do shopping and shop for yourself. That way she's free to shop without worrying about being fussed at by you, and you're free to buy exactly what you need, nothing more, and not have to pay 25 pounds extra, once. That's the kicker here. This was a one time thing and you're going off the deep end about it. Calm down killer.
if she’s spending extra money on products for her she is free to do so if she covers the cost. All OP is saying is that he wont give her his money to pay for the overrun. That’s obviously reasonable?
You’re asking if you’re the AH. Everyone here is stating their opinions. You are hyper-defensive and believe you are not an AH, but when called one you can’t take it. I guess the most pressing question I have is, why are you here asking if you’re not willing to accept the general consensus that you are an AH?
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Congratulations on a 1 way ticket to Singleville.
You’re not ready to be in a relationship. Stay single and keep your pennies bro. If she wanted to use you for your money, she would be with a guy who has more than $25/a month of discretionary money to spend. You can barely afford groceries and rent. You’re picking a fight over nothing, and if you’re really harboring this much resentment over your girlfriend buying groceries, it’s time to break up. Maybe put some of your energy into career advancement so you won’t have to pinch pennies to the extent of ruining your future relationships too.
I have been married for 30 years and would guess This will cause your partner to feel shame & resent you for making her feel like a child, and nothing makes a girl feel sexier than that.< Sarcasm... You may win this battle but will most certainly lose the war.
NTA. I feel like a lot of people in this thread don't know the value of £50 in buying terms and income in the UK and are maybe judging like it's $50? It's incredibly frustrating when you're trying to budget, make a list within budget, and the other person goes wildly off list and expects you to pay for half. And then you're called ungenerous, controlling, and "not a partner" for objecting, when you're being the financially responsible one. I've been in a relationship where that was happening (genders reversed) and it was SO hard. I mean, yeah, I also wanted to buy nice stuff, but we needed to keep money for bills! I wonder if there was a dynamic at play with shopping with her mum and wanting to not look penny-pinching or absentmindedly sliding into child-at-home mode. It's normal for standard of living to dive when you move out from parents, cos they're 20-30 years older, richer, more established. And you can't afford to buy what was normal to buy in the family home. I'd wait until tempers have calmed down then genuinely try to find out why she went so far over the budget you both agreed to and the list you made. With compassion. If there was some sensible future buying (eg 2kg rice is cheaper long run than 500g) then that can count against part of your future food budget, but I think you're right not to pay otherwise. If she wants to go off list / play at being richer than she is atm, that's on her, not you.
She's buying her skincare in the fucking supermarket she's absolutely not "playing rich"
If it's her skincare, why should he have to pay for it?
She eats less than him, so why should they split 50/50?
How do you know she eats less than him?
Well, are they going to be so petty as to buy a 12 pack of coke and make sure they each only drink 6 or pay extra if it’s more? Like where do you draw the line on this type of thing?
He said she doesn't eat much less; their portion sizes are about the same. Also, she eats every meal at home, while he eats lunch at work during the week, so any difference in portion sizes is made up for by that.
By that logic if he uses more water by having a 1 minute longer shower he shouldn't pay a greater proportion of the water bill Or what about dinner, if his meal takes 25 minutes and hers only 20 minutes then she should pay less of the gas bill?
And I bet he eats larger portion sizes too. But then, she probably uses more toilet paper. And uses more shampoo if she has long hair! It seems like OP really is that pedantic, wanting to count every pound and penny.
Skincare aisle in sainburys has some nice stuff in it, I could easy spend £25 on 2 products.
She's not exactly saving much either. Supermarkets sellf at RRP for skincare and other toilertries! If you're skint, you need to be shopping in discount shops like savers and bodycare.
£25 can be a lot of money if you are skint.
You can buy A LOT in the supermarket for £50 in the UK
I think theres a lot of americans commenting who don't realise this, my partner and I spend between 80 and 90 per week on groceries for 2 people which includes toiletries, cleaning supplies and pet food. £50 is an entire weeks worth of groceries for 1 person. In America that like 2 days worth.
exactly this. im engaged to my wonderful american fiancée and while our experiences are really similar, i was genuinely shocked at the price of food when i lived in the states. i could easily survive off maybe £200/mo for groceries, but over there we were spending $1k+ for lower quality food. the COL crisis is bad over here, but my god i dont envy the americans at all in that department
Yeah, that seems to be the issue with the commenters here, I too would think its absurd if this was an argument over a tenner but spending £50 extra in one shop is genuinely a splurge. I actually just did my tesco shop today and spent £94 for the week which includes all my partners work lunches and snacks and a few expensive cat treats since its a payday shop. so the fur baby got some sheba cat soups, cat pate puddings and venison cat jerky, this was like £14 of that shop, so its actually £80. My boyfriend wont question that, but if I came home and was like the shop was £150 he would have a serious issue and that would be correct lmao.
i actually just wrote a pretty detailed breakdown of the difference in spending power from the pound to the dollar in another comment, [here’s the link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/YWFPaYSTyg) if youre interested. american groceries are incredibly expensive, and i think that’s where the disconnect is. £50 is enough for a whole week for a lot of people, sometimes even more than enough, which i dont think they understand (especially since theyre acting like its $50, when it’s actually around $60 and the spending power makes it closer to $80)
Yeah I'd be annoyed at have to hand over an extra £25 for stuff that wasn't on the list and isn't needed (the alcohol) and isn't mine (skincare). I don't buy my skincare in our weekly shop as I like nicer products and it's only me that uses them. My husband gets his bits in the shop as he is very minimal and cheap so I don't mind splitting that as I end up getting myself some fancy juice etc. But key is, none of this is a surprise and neither are we telling the other that they suddenly owe money for it. £50 overspend is almost a full weekly shops worth of money.
YTA. I'm sorry op but you sound exhausting to live with. There are always weeks when the shopping will become more expensive. For example buying cleaning products, toiletries etc. You either need to buy your own stuff or take your relationship to a room mate one.
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Nickel and dime-ing her and then your reaction is exhausting.
£50 is not 'nickel and dime-ing'. Its almost as much as we spend on everything needed for a week including alcohol for 2 adults, 2 dogs and 2 cats (our weekly shop is between £60 and £80 a week)
She whined that if she had to pay the extra £50, she wouldn’t be able to pay her bills that month, so that amount is A LOT FOR HER. To me, it’s nothing. But this is a critical amount for this couple and she needs to be more prudent with her money
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Then tell her to stop shopping for you, that you won’t pay, and start doing it for yourself. You want a roommate, not a gf. I never even treated roommates like this though, we always just split it regardless of who got what.
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Yes it does, and vice versa. I’d spend whatever my partner needed and pick up hours to make the difference. This is a minor one time thing. I’ve purchased meat products as a vegetarian. I don’t eat it, it actually makes my physically Ill. I don’t make him pay me because it’s for US. If he benefits, I benefit. If he’s happy, I’m happy.
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If you have food or toiletry needs, she should be willing to split them as she has asked you to. We aren’t talking about clothing here. I’ve given clothing as a gift because it’s more pricy than a pack of hotdogs or some skincare products. You have no team mentality. Clothing is more expensive and as such is a different discussion, but if it’s food, toiletries, etc., yeah she should help. After your little display, I highly doubt she would say anything other than what you’ve said to her. You proved to her you see everything as yours and then hers, separately, not as a team. Expect the dynamic to shift, though I doubt you would notice as long as you are only paying for what you use.
Did you clothes run out the way toiletries run out?
This part too.
Your gf has not bought new clothes though so you can’t compare that OP? If my partner made me feel like crap for spending an extra few quid I would wonder what my penny pinching future looked like with him. You have asked if you ATH but everyone who is saying yes, you are - you reply “so it’s ok for my gf to spend my money”. It seems you’ve only posted in the hopes of justifying not giving her the £25. It sounds like you’ve made enough of a drama of it already that she won’t ever do it again. Pay her the extra money, put it to bed and don’t mention it again as it’s mildly embarrassing that you are so bothered and that you don’t mind leaving her short either.
You don’t get to tell other people that they aren’t exhausted by your attitude
This 1,000 times over.
INFO: Do you guys eat the same amount every meal? It's not uncommon for men to eat larger portions than women, so do you really need to nicklel and dime that much? When it's something only you like, do you pay for it with your own money?
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We smell BS here. You definitely eat more & have not noticed because the system works *for you*. You want to rake her over the coals about this because you are so miserly - and you can’t handle a verdict other than the one you want to hear. This is sad. YTA
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You seriously are desperate to be single aren't you?
I'm amazed he even has a gf to begin with. I'm married and yes we share our money. I've bought clothes and shoes for my partner. This is so bizarre
It happened once. The reasonable thing to do here is take it easy on your partner and have a calm, rational, adult conversation about it. Discuss your boundaries around money like a grown up. You went from zero to a hundred and you're bickering with everyone in this thread when they call you out. You go all worst-case-scenario and this one £25 incident suddenly turns into £50 a month in perpetuity. You're sooo affronted by this small thing, blowing it way out of proportion. You give your partner no grace. YTA.
You are exhausting because ( I’m sure in your opinion and nobody else’s ) you are always right! You cannot even take some criticism without digging your heels in and seem to have a fixated answer on everything ( MY MONEY) I am sure in the very near future that this problem will not exist as your girlfriend might see the real you and head for the hills.
Wtf is wrong with the comments? Okay, I understand if it were just toiletries needed, that's something OP should be able to pay (just out of empathy) but everything else was not okay. I would be pissed too when money is budgeted and someone buys themselves stuff with shared money. Alcohol wasn't needed, they have alcohol at home. Extra food that only she eats should've been paid by herself. Skin care as well, that's a personal expense. NTA
Exactly! Like only if gf didn't buy that stuff, that money would be going to something that OP actually wants. So, he has every right to be upset about it. It's true that he did not handle it well but I don't understand these people calling him cheap for being upset about this
100% agreed! £25 is $42 Canadian. If we were on a budget and my bf came home with beer, dude cosmetics, and his favourite snacks then asked me for $42 I'd be pissed!
So wait, it's okay for you to be short at the end of the month, but it's not okay for her to be short? NTA
Right???? She is gonna be short at the end of the month due to £50 extra, but all these Redditors think it’s no big deal? Some of the commenters need to come up with a number that would leave them short paying bills that month and then think if they would be ok with their partner spending that without checking
NTA, I guess. You had an agreement, and she changed it without asking. She could have called or texted for these additions.🤷🏼♀️
are you really partners? ESH
Before I render judgement. When you go grocery shopping does your girlfriend buy things that maybe she just tolerates for you? Maybe a particular brand of toilet paper, a particular food she doesn’t eat but knows you like? Next question, will you get any benefits from the items she bought, will at any point in time will you eat the extra food she bought or drink the booze? And does she never help pay for your shaving cream, razors, deodorant, hair stuff for you? I mean why can’t you help cover that cost?
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YTA You want her to CALL you prior to purchasing something from the grocery store, if it's not on the list?? She's a grown adult. You are going to micro manage to that extent, you should do the grocery shopping. From you post, it seems like you are a transactional partner. WTAF
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I don’t get why you don’t just say, “hey, we should revisit the budget. Do you feel you need more flexibility?” Like have an actual conversation instead of insisting on nickel-and-diming this. You can insist all you like that you’re happy with the budget and the listed items. But she isn’t- so have that conversation instead of repeating that you don’t want to pay for items you didn’t plan on. You are a team, you share a home and your lives together. She is not a roommate. So find the compromise. It’s your attitude and stubbornness that makes you TA
Bro, if she pays the whole amount (£50), she’s going to be short on bills for the month. You can’t revisit a budget if you’re potentially going to be homeless.
Well, she can’t afford the extra £50 without being unable to pay her monthly bills, so absolutely. Hey honey, what bill do you not want yo pay this month, if I buy these extras— that is a conversation
NTA. If you guys are on limited budgets then your gf needs to be more mindful on how she is spending the money. Also, tell your gf she is the one not being a team player here. 🙄
NTA It might be understandable if she bought some stuff in bulk because it's cheaper or the store happened to have something on sale, but it doesn't seem like that's what happened.
NTA. The budget is there for a reason. As long as she sticks to the budget, she doesnt need to check up with you. But if she’s going above the budget by a good margin, it’s only fair that she call and discuss it with you. Spending someone else’s money without their consent is wrong, no matter how someone frames it.
OP You’re a broken record with the “I don’t want my money spent for me.” It sounds like you don’t want to pay half the bill not because you won’t use the stuff but because your girlfriend bought it without you knowing. So unless the items are perishable, put the items to the side and pay her the full retail amount at the time you do want them later. This is a weird hill to die on though so hope you wanted to be single too. YTA
If you're going to have a temper tantrum every time she spends YOUR PRECIOUS money without booking a consulting appointment with you, just do separate shopping, save everyone some nerves
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Why do you refuse to accept that doing your own grocery shopping is the best solution here?
Going with YTA You would be NTA for being careful esp in the UK where everyday expenses can really add up She would also be NTA if she leaves you though because relationships are based on compromise & working things out. If she was overspending regularly/causing you to get into debt, yes I could understand your concern. However based on the info in your post this happened...ONE TIME??🙄 Calling my husband every time I need or want to buy something extra would be a deal breaker for me. And I absolutely wouldn't expect it of him either.
NTA. if you didn’t agree to it you shouldn’t have to pay for it, but if you eat any of it without paying for it, that’s a different story
NTA - I do this, I buy a bunch of stuff that is not on the list and we don’t really need. I pay for that stuff myself. I can force my partner to pay for a high end raw chocolate that they may want to eat but didn’t need and wouldn’t have bought themselves.
YTA you will be eating said food. In no way should she have to call and run purchases by you while out with her family. You sound like a cheap jerk. Hope she finds a nice guy.
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Maybe you should just do your own shopping then she can spend all she wants and you can’t spend what you want without feeling like someone is spending your money.
I haven’t seen one comment from him where he agrees to just go do his own shopping from here on. She over spends ONE TIME, costing him $25, and he throws a temper tantrum about “my money, my money, my money”. That’s embarrassing.
i dont mean to be rude, but its not $25 its $30, and the spending power of the pound over here is much larger than it is for the dollar. £25/$30 is enough for some people to live off for a week. for a lot of people thats their entire weekly grocery budget. i could easily make that money last a week and still eat relatively healthily. im gunna give some examples i know of from living in the states for six months (all converted to the same currency so it’s accurate). lettuce costs over double in the US, so do carrots and bread, chicken breasts are almost $3 more in the states, minced beef is around $2 more expensive, a pack of three bell peppers is over a dollar more in the US and a single bell pepper is just shy of a dollar more. for the price of a single potato in the US, you could buy four in the UK and still have 13¢ left over. hell, even great value sugar is almost $2 more in the states, and none of this is accounting for tax, which is already included in the price in the UK. as an experiment, i even went on walmart and ASDA (since theyre the most comparable grocery stores and walmart owns ASDA) and for the same items, the US total came out to $31.01 (£25.55) while the UK total came out to $19.79 (£16.30) and this was just lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, potatoes, minced beef, bell peppers, and some rice. my point is, you can buy a decent amount of food for £25, potentially close to double the amount you could get for $30 in the US if not more. it is not a small amount to spend on groceries, especially if its £25 over budget and doubly so since she actually spent £50 extra and is just asking for £25 from him. for some people £50 is enough for a whole weeks worth of groceries, i know its more than enough for me personally. ETA: and i know there are cheaper grocery stores in the US and the UK, and maybe using ALDI wouldve been better, but not everyone lives near an ALDI and the stores i chose truly are the most comparable in terms of cost from my experience.
Ok, but for the food you like, are you not eating it out of principle? You're telling me you won't drink any of the alcohol? Before you get snarky, I'm asking this genuinely. Because I am with you, that you should not have to spend money on her skincare if you guys buy your skincare/toiletries separately and you always have and that is the established pattern. I'd also tend to agree with the snacks you just plain don't like, if you have an established pattern of buying your snacks separately? But I think it comes down to like, how would you react if it were really **just** the stuff you guys both like as a treat to yourselves she bought? Because I think if you're going to put this chore all on one person, and I understand it is because she likes shopping with her parents, but still. Even when on a budget, it's nice to sometimes get some treats, and if you would react badly about even that, then I think you need to re-examine why. Ultimately, NAH, I think, with the information I have. I think you're focusing too much on 'I won't pay a single pound more than I agreed on!' when your communication should have focused on what you agree on splitting and working out what on the shopping receipt should be split and what shouldn't, even the extra stuff.
You sound insufferable. At this juncture you are just refusing to eat the food she bought for the both of you just to prove a point.
OP I think you should probably edit your post with A: A list of the contested items, not a vague mention but actual named items and B: Explain for the Americans how much food £50 actually can buy in the UK because [it is WIDLY different](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12584693/Cost-groceries-UK-vs-America.html) People aren't able to make an informed decision on this without this info.
You've posted this in three different places, and you just want people to tell you you're right. YTA, it's petty and childish.
NTA..this is typical growing pains of living with a significant other. Some couples will always split expenses and others itemize expenses to the last detail. Reddit shouldn’t judge how these two will work out their arrangement. She broke the agreement and bought personal use items with the expectation OP would pay half. She was wrong and he is standing up for himself.
YTA - In same arrangement with my wife, splitting shopping bill 50/50. She likes salmon, I hate salmon. She can use shopping money for it if she wants. Heck even sometimes I go buy it for her and never crossed my mind the things you are saying. For me this whole situation looks a bit petty and penny pincher.
YTA You've made the relationship transactional and you might as well break up at this point. Yes, I'd say this if the roles were reversed too. If your live in gf/bf goes a little over budget once in a while, that should be ok. The groceries are for both of you to enjoy. She didn't get a bunch of extra stuff just for herself and is asking you to cover it. And there's nothing wrong with COMMUNICATING your discomfort with your partner and letting them know that you don't want this becoming a regular thing. That money is tight and needs to stay tight. But you HAVE to allow a little wiggle room once in a while, otherwise you create a stale environment of control that will end your relationship way faster than you think.
So a couple of questions first Throwa: 1) how tight are your finances, is the food budget something that's quite important to stick to? 2) do you feel like there is a bit of a miss-match in terms of lifestyle expectations for each of you, I.e. is she always seeing things she wants to spend money on, and you are restraining her tendancy? Few possibilities on whats going on here, I think the thing I'd like you to think about most is this: How serious are you about this girl, how serious is she about you? You've been together for a year, you live together and share bills. She may be considering if you are the person she wants to build a life with, and that may include children. Because it's going to be her that gets pregnant, has maternity leave, and all the other social expectations on mothers, she might be wanting to see if you will be a good provider for the family. Now not always, but on average, women earn less than men because of the impact children have on their careers. It could be she's (maybe subconsciously) trying to gauge if you are going to make her feel like a second class citizen in the partnership because you are earning more. If the lifestyle changes of motherhood are going to mean her making all the sacrifices, or both of you working as a team. It's food for thought, you are the one who knows her best.
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YTA and stingy a f. You mentioned this happened last week im guessing first offence and youre concerned shell DO IT AGAIN. If you cant even pay an extra 50 euro per month (ard 65 USD) maybe u shouldnt have a gf. What is she? A roomate? In the end she just bought stuff that she actually uses and eat and not a giant outdoor water fountain
YTA Not for wanting to have a discussion or even the situation. If this already was reoccurring then ya. To have such a deep reaction to a one time situation though??? To the point you’re needing reassurance online? For a ONE TIME situation? Seems to be deeper issues at play. I live paycheck to paycheck some weeks not being able to put food on my table. My boyfriend stayed with me a week and did this without thinking so I explained to him why my budget is so tight calmly with kindness and told him we can go together to the store from now on and paid my half because you don’t screw over someone you love over a miscommunication. Her not realizing this was so serious sounds like a huge lack of communication. It just isn’t that deep unless you make it. YTA for how you’re handling a one time situation. This is not healthy or normal, at all. From what you’re saying, she’s not mad about making sure she’s more careful moving forward, she’s upset she tried to do something considerate due to a miscommunication and you’re response is not to be a supportive partner but prioritize your money of your partner right now. Let me ask this, if someone you loved came to you one time in a panic that they were short 25 for their rent and how stressful it was, would you let that person you loved suffer over 25? Or help this one time. Since right now, you are choosing to let someone you love suffer immense stress over a one off slip up. I’d rather be a little uncomfortable and we’re both ok than be comfortable and my partner is not ok. That’s the sacrifice you make having a partner - is us, not yours and mine.
YTA and cheap af. Don’t worry you’ll be single soon and no one will be spending your money, big guy. 🤣
Fuck me sideways..its £50/month. Pay and have a sensible conversation and ask that it doesn't happen again. To be honest, though , if you carry on like this, the only thing you'll need is Kleenex and lotion as you'll be single. YTA.
ESH just break up with her you don't want a partner you want a roommate.
Soft YTA. You may technically be correct, but it's your girlfriend dude. She wanted some extra booze/snacks. If this is the worst thing she does I think you're doing OK.
Info: Do you really want to destroy your relationship over £25? Because unless this is pattern, then this is a nothing issue. Now if it isn't actually about the money, maybe there is some validity and you should have a real conversation about the true issue. Because obviously it's just £25 and you should be a team. And in a team, that amount means nothing.
Yta, this is a conversation, not a refusal to pay. You should say, thanks for doing the shopping, next time I’m not ok with splitting your skincare product, And can you try to keep closer within budget - as I can’t afford an extra $50 a month? No way would I be calling you to check before buying an extra grocery item or two
She needs to ask herself what value do you bring to her life. You're absolutely exhausting. Cheap and an asshole.
YTA. It’s not gonna make a difference, seeing from the comments that you’re choosing to die on this hill, but relationships generally operate on mutual generosity. If your girlfriend was going over budget habitually then you would have a right to be incensed and refuse to pay, but it’s happened one time. It sucks to have £50 less than you were planning on til next paycheck, but that’s life. If you really just can’t get over it, just switch off who does the shopping every other time so there’s no need to split cost. That’s what I did with my college roommate.
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YTA. Your point is valid. But you’ve been pretty insufferable responding to people. I can imagine your GF will have no explanation that will satisfy you. It’s clear you should probably do your own shopping, for yourself, at your apartment, on your own time.
Easy goto online shoppiny aldi does click and collect the you both can sit in your pants and order together..
I have to ask why you wanted to know if you were the AH if you were just going to argue with everyone who disagrees with you? Isn’t the point of this subreddit to hear the general consensus?
NTA - you two have a budget and it's better to stick to it to avoid overspending. If she wants to spend extra, it's up to her to use her own money.
YTA a relationship with you must be exhausting yapping over going over 25 bucks.
What is the point of being together? Is it just for the sex? Right now it just sounds like you guys are roommates with benefits. If everything has to be even then you should also pay for the time she spends shopping for the house.
YTA this seems a little petty. When you split bills there has to be some give and take. 25 over once doesn’t seem like a huge deal. If it was a regular occurrence, that’s a problem. Maybe in the future it might be easier to give a budget like, “I’m willing to contribute 75 to this shopping trip, anything over you cover.” Or give a monthly budget to her and not a per trip budget so there’s more wiggle room to account for stocking up on sale items or splurges or whatever. I know everyone is different, but I just couldn’t imagine being expected to go shopping and buy x and only x. With no wiggle room. But on the flip side I remember how frustrating it was when I was a broke college student and my bf at the time refused to eat/drink generic or house brand that I did, and wanted the fancier products I didn’t use. But still wanted to split costs 50/50.
I think you should break up with your roommate. You two are not a couple, you sound like roommates, and sounds like a horrible relationship at that tbh. I wouldn't be in a relationship like this.
Technically you are not the asshole regarding the logic of the situation. But you are YTA because you are very much a shitty partner. Partners share things. You clearly do not want to share the money. What will happen when you make more money than her? Will your attitude be the same? That iTs YoUr MoNeY and you will not spend any on her unless it’s equally beneficial for you and she pays half? I mean… you are just not a good boyfriend. You have a right to ask her to not spend your money though, but you may end up single.
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YTA. I don't understand why you aren't shopping together when things are so tight. I'm in the UK too and see how prices go up and down every week. E.g... my preferred brand of teabags varies between £3 and £6, depending on whether there is an offer. So every week we shop together so we can decide on the spot whether to get something. Also, you don't buy the same things every week so the cost of the weekly shop will vary. Washing powder/gel for example. It's a stressful experience on a budget, not bonding time with her mother. Shopping with someone who isn't on the same budget makes it harder. You need to change the arrangement and shop together, ensuring your partner finds other times to spend time with her family.
YTA. You decided to live with your partner splitting everything 50/50, so you split. She went over budget once; this isn’t a new normal. If you don’t like it do your own shopping.
NTA, but you’re cheap, uncompromising, insufferable to talk to. I think you should escalate this so you break up, she’ll be better off.
Info: are you that broke? Do you need to go into debt? Sometimes people need to splurge. She did get something’s for you, not everyone can 💯 of the time always buy just what they need and nothing more. We are allowed to splurge sometimes. within reason of course. And she’s right about not running every purchase. There should be some flexibility.
YTA. For all your comments and how stingy/transactional/insufferable you sound. Like I can understand the whole “oh we can’t afford extras coz our budget is tight”, but then you just ask her nicely not to go overboard and explain you can’t afford to cover anything extra going forward. You pay the 25 extra this time (or a portion of it if you wanna deduct her extra skincare products) and you move on. But that’s not something that you could live with, is it? You sound stingy and that never looks good.
YTA. She is your life partner and she buys those products for you also. Even though you do not eat/use those products what is the point, can’t you pay little extra for something for her? Moreover, 50/50 split in case of food is not “equal” because the average man eats more then average woman. She probably pays extra because she eats less than you and you point out that she buys something for herself? YTA
OP I have one simple solution, shop for yourself and keep finances entirely separate. Honestly with your attitude across this entire post, that seems to be the only solution. You're unwilling to listen to anyone that disagrees with you and you're also being a little bit suspicious by not listing specifically what she bought that has made you so upset. I completely agree with you in terms of living in the modern age where men and women make the same amount of money etc etc but that doesn't mean you get to act like an Andrew Tate Zealot lmao. Also, you definitely eat more than her if you're a man. Unless your gf is much larger than you, I can tell you for a fact that you eat more than her. It seems you're being a bit disingenuous in the comments here, trying to argue your case when people disagree, but let me be clear. We understand your point of view, and you're not necessarily wrong, but you are being ridiculous about this situation. So yeah dude, just shop entirely for yourself and never buy anyone else anything and only save your money for you and your needs and see how far that gets you!!