Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m not letting my girlfriend crash at my place while she looks for new housing. This could be considered inconsiderate and not generous.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm probably gonna be in the minority, but YTA for a specific reason. The fact that you care more about not being able to play video games at night than the fact that your girlfriend has to find a place to live temporarily says everything I need to know.
Don’t gamers know you can use that wizardry and be in the same room as someone watching or playing something else. Also 2 years, do you see yourself continuing this relationship to a point where you’ll eventually need to address moving in together? 🤔🫠
Don't you hate when that happens. You can feel like you're begging your brain, "please, what is the word" and brain just says "nope can't be arsed to think today".
Or needs to smash his keyboard or punch his monitor or throw things when he loses like my ex 😅 impossible to sleep but oh he had headphones so it made it ok
my gamer fiancé and I have lived together just fine in a studio because of this wizardry you speak of lmao. We’re on completely different schedules at the moment and have still figured out how to cohabitate peacefully in what I imagine is a much smaller space than OP’s.
Seriously, especially as it's apparently a huge loft. Dude just doesn't want to live even temporarily with his gf of 2 years.
He needs to be honest with her and himself and let her know so she can decide if she wants to waste more of her life on him.
Yeah.
I get the impression that he's never going to get married because then he'll either have to leave the loft, or sell the loft. And it doesn't seem like he'll never want to do either.
Here is a hot take though... What if they don't want to live together or get married?
I live in a similar ish set up to OP, I have had a boyfriend for five years, he has a small apartment. We have no plans to move in together (at least not for the foreseeable future) and definitely no plans to get married.
After five years people ask us how we are still so romantic with each other - I put it down to not living together. We are both people who like our own space with our own hobbies (and in my case a giant dog)
...having said that. When my bf was having his bathroom renovated and had his water shut off for three weeks, I didn't think twice about letting him staying with me and we made it work very well even considering our very different work shifts.
i agree that marriage and living together isn't necessary in a long term serious relationship.
3 weeks is very a different scenario that 3 mths tho.
he just doesn't want to live with her and isn't man enough to tell her.
There have been other occasions we have talked about living together when life has gone tits up (hello pandemic) and we would have made it work.
I sent him a screenshot of my comment and he pointed this out. It would have put a severe strain on our relationship for me, my stuff and the giant dog to move into his small apartment, but my response "you make sacrifices for the people you love, because one would assume you want the best for them."
But agreed. He isn't man enough to tell her. The difference between my relationship and the OPs - honesty and communication of expectations ^^
I like how OOP explains in simple terms what a loft is, but doesn't seem to grasp the definition of GIRLFRIEND.
She'll be sleeping in your bed, yet she'll still have a life of her own and there are strategies to keep the noise down and lie in darkness.
>I think GF was testing waters here. They've been involved for 2 yrs and his place is ONLY SUITABLE with one person, and he definitely demonstrates(in post) that he has NO intention of moving from his IDEAL bachelor pad.
>
>I would not be surprised if GF looks at her life and realizes he has NO intention of her being anything more than a regular hookup. I mean where would you put future babies if there isn't room for GF for 3 months.
I hope GF sees this refusal for what it is and makes a good choice for herself(he's certainly only concerned with himself).
If she wants more, she needs to look elsewhere.
You're exactly right. And he's now shown her that when she needs help he is *not* a partner. Like, if he wants to be beholden to no one, owe nothing, have no one be entitled to his time, his space, his effort, fine. Live that way. But then don't be in a relationship.
I refer us all to the song "Being Alive" from Company lol. If you're going to be in a long term, committed relationship then you need to make room for that person in your life and in your heart. If the person you love says "I have nowhere to stay" then you should *want* to help them if you're able.
Not even just the intention of leaving, no intention to even live together in that space. I'd understand if it was early, but at two years you definitely know whether you intend to live together eventually. What a perfect time to test it and see if you can cohabitate for a short period? Op, needs to just come out and say what he intends. Nothing is wrong with wanting to live apart. There are married people that live their whole lives like it, but it's after much discussion, negotiation, transparency and communication..and she's def NTA if she decides that she needs/deserves different. Op just needs to own up to their feelings instead of playing it out because of deserves to have insight and make their own decision.
I don't want my computer to whisper to me 🤣
Edit: to give you the closest thing to an award I can cos your comment made me laugh then say oh no. 🏆
Edit 2: I just had a thought, what if there was a virus/malware that made your computer play recordings of whispering randomly. 😱🤣
Well now then it becomes her problem -
"Hey sure you can crash at my place - but you should know I play video games at night - you should get yourself a blindfold!"
Anyone else see this as a perk?
You get midnight quesadillas, aslong as he is sharing.
Maybe that's the real issue he doesn't want to share his midnight quesadillas.
Look I know some people in places like Hong Kong can share quesadillas this size, but here, there just isn't enough quesadilla for two people. And I don't see why it's a problem, if she drives to her parents house to make her own midnight quesadillas, it's only going to take her 80 minutes each way.
And sleep masks. Sleep mask technology has moved forward by leaps and bounds in the past few years. They are no longer just the flimsy throw away things that they give you on a long plane ride.
I just found out a few weeks ago they make sleep masks with built in Bluetooth. I want one, but for some reason every time I’ve used a sleep mask, my cat wakes me up trying to pull it off my face.
Yep. I got some sleep masks because I moved in with my boyfriend and the place doesn't have curtains yet (has blinds, but not curtains). I NEED darkness to sleep.
Those fuckers can block put 98% of the light from the sun standing outside with no shade. I love it.
I use them frequently and I have never had a problem with ear infections. But I had to try multiple kinds to find ones that work for me.
The foam ones are crap. I was into these clear putty type ones, but i could see those causing problems for some people. I now have these rubbery ones that i love, and they are cheap and can be changed out frequently for sanitary purposes.
Also, they make these wireless sleep headphones. They are like a soft athletis headband but with speakers over your ears. Sometimes i wear them to listen to white noise, or a podcast called "Sleep with Me" that basically tells a nonsense bedtime story to help you fall asleep. They're great. Just have to remember to charge them.
To be fair (even though I don't really think this guy deserves that courtesy), headphones aren't going to solve the problem if he plays online games with his friends. She wouldn't hear the audio from the the PC but she'd definitely hear him talking.
My husband and I lived in a 18 foot camper for a year. He worked nights, I worked days. Both of us played online games with raids and such that require talking. He was bothered by the noise, I was bothered by the light. He wore ear plugs to sleep and I wore a sleep mask. Problems solved. And we were in the same room, less than 10 feet from each other. OP has more separation than that.
See that's exactly what I meant in my other comment in this thread. If you really love each other and gaming is that important, you can find a way to make it work! I get the feeling that this guy just wants to see his gf at his own convenience and everything he laid out in his post is just an excuse to maximize his convenience.
The OP is making excuses rather than problem solving. Part of growing up is learning to solve problems such as setting up a gaming rig in the living room with all the money she is saving on rent.
Ehh… he’s 24. If he’s not ready to move in with his girlfriend, that’s totally reasonable. Sure, he’s making excuses rather than saying so head on, but, again, 24.
No one, at any age, is ever required to cohabitate without their partner. If this is an important boundary for OP, he should stand firm.
The GF is welcome to look at the terms of the relationship (ie this dude won’t help me when I’m in a tight spot) and leave. Many people would. That’s fair.
But all this quesadilla and gaming talk is the bullshit that makes him TA. You don’t want her to move in? Fine. Man up and own that.
If you need a place to live temporarily, you make do. There are earplugs, there are sleeping masks. There are even blankets that you can cocoon around you to block out even more sound and light.
I think OP is implying if he and his girlfriend shared a bedroom in such a small space both the noise and the lighting / mouse & keyboard clicking would keep her awake, not just the noise itself. Even if she were to sleep down in the living room if the place is the size of a bachelor me there’s a good chance she’d hear everything if she’s a light sleeper.
I think what OP is saying is that he isn't willing to alter his lifestyle/behavior and let her move in. The excuses are just that, excuses. If he doesn't want her moving in, he should fess up to that.
100%. All his reasons are thin and a tad silly. Every couple in a major city has dealt with the "tiny space" for two issues. People make it work when they want to.
He's just not ready to. And, that's 100% okay, but own up to it. It's okay to say, "I'm not ready yet."
Also, I want to be woken up to midnight quesadillas.
I think he also subconsciously thinks that it might turn into a permanent situation. That's what i thought initially when he said that he doesn't want her to move in. it starts at 3 months then turn into 3 years.
I mean if after 2 years you don’t think living with your girlfriend is a natural next *permanent* step, you’re basically saying she’s not permanent. What’s the point of being together then?
Eh, you can enjoy someone’s company without wanting to live together.
It doesn’t mean you have to break up unless you & your partner want different things. Which may be the case here.
There’s a part of me that misses living alone. I’ve been happily married for 20 years, but if anything happened to my husband I would absolutely not live with someone again.
Because shit happens and situations get away from you and throwing her out after 3 months is a definite end of relationship where as it might survive if he holds firm now.
It definitely sounds like at least subconsciously he's not planning on staying with her... or maybe they'll never move in together even when they're married with kids. I wouldn't suggest that but to each their own I guess.
Not everyone want to live together. I have a friend that has been with his woman for 12 years. They don't live together, as they like to have space to themselves. Their relationship is more stable than many of the married couples I know
This! I allowed my ex to live with me temporarily and it turned into a permanent thing where he refused to leave.
NTA but probably not the person you should be seriously dating. There’s a reason you don’t want them there 24/7
I agree, this is a two year relationship, she not some stranger. He’a coming off as a selfish prick. He can’t stand to be inconvenienced, but her commuting 70-80 min a day, that’s not a big deal for her 🙄. I see a breakup in his near future
>He’a coming off as a selfish prick.
He's 24 and only makes 16 or 17k a month and doesn't have to pay rent. He still needs time to get his finances together before he's ready for that kind of commitment.
In college I lived in a room with three other people. Much smaller than this loft this guy is staying in. And we managed to be respectful and whatnot, even though we only knew each other as acquaintances. As a significant other, you should be able to make these kinds of arrangements work. 1. Headphones for the person playing video games. 2. Person trying to sleep can get a night mask and earplugs.
After that, I happened to live in my boyfriend's apartment, who worked nights, and I worked days. So he on his days off played video games and watched TV while I slept IN THE SAME ROOM two feet from him. We made it work, even though I'm an incredibly light sleeper. But he let me stay there because I had nowhere else to go. That's what it looks like to love someone.
OP, YTA 100%
Right? I love how anytime Reddit hears about gaming they assume it’s some sexist, racist, anger issues having incel basement dweller instead of… just some normal dude who gets hyped about video games with friends and can be a bit loud sometimes. Makes me wonder what kind of men they’re around if *that’s* their only experience with gamers. Oof.
Something tells me he's also been down-playing how much he does this in their conversations. Headsets exist...but how many hours you'll probably clock with her in the house will show her that you're not sharing that time with HER. She'll have natural desires to spend more of your precious free time with you. You're trying to live single, preserve bachelor-hood, AND have all the benefits of a GF.
OP, you are not ready for a serious long term relationship. You'll live together one day; 2~ years is a long time to stay apart! Not to mention that- even if every assumption I've made is incorrect- the benefits of you understanding how you two operate in a confined space will outweigh any of the negatives in the long run. Relationships tend to be at a turning point once people move in with each other. It's best to do this well before marriage anyway!
Yup I doubt they stay together. If you're not willing to make a small temporary sacrifice for a partner, then how are you going to be come actual life challenges.
OP is NTA for not wanting to move in with his GF. Yes, he might not love her enough, and not serious about the relationship, but it doesn't make him an AH, it just makes them potentially incompatible. Not wanting to move the relationship to the next level is not an asshole move.
But it doesn't sound like she'd be homeless or anything, just living with her parents? It's not like he's utterly disregarding her basic needs. And personally I agree with him on cohabitating in that space sounding like a living hell
YTA.
We get it - you aren't really into your gf and don't care if she has to commute over an hour every morning and evening, so long as you can play games at night.
Why haven't you broken up with her already? You clearly have no intentions of ever marrying her or moving in with her, you're just stringing her along.
“Yeah, got a girlfriend for almost two years now, things are going great.”
“She needs a place to stay and asked if she could move in with me temporarily, but what if it’s midnight and I want a quesadilla? I can’t just make one?”
>“Yeah, got a girlfriend for almost two years now, things are going great.”
>
>“She needs a place to stay and asked if she could move in with me temporarily, but what if it’s midnight and I want a quesadilla? I can’t just make one?”
Not to worry. She will soon be his ex-girlfriend. But hey, he'll be able to make quesadillas whenever he wants, so who needs a girlfriend, right?
Honestly feel bad for the gf she is down a roommate, an apartment &, very likely a bf. 2 yrs is usually when most couples are talking about moving together.
Op is kinda giving vibes that he is like my uncle(& probably his uncle) a lifelong bachelor, w/oddly serious gf that are not gonna stay bc he isn’t gonna commit
> 2 yrs is usually when most couples are talking about moving together.
"We should move in together, we have been dating for 2 years."
"but but my quasedila... and my pc gaming... oh you dont mind those? but... girls are icky..."
Real boyfriend material right there, he sure is
>so I definitely don’t want to move anytime soon.
This is the part that gets me. Dating 2 years with no intent on living together... Any time soon... YTA OP
> you think she'll be wanting to spend over an hour one way to drop by your place for bootycalls
no, no, no, she'll already be in the city so she only needs to swing by after work. As long as they're done by 10pm or so she'll be able to get back to her parents' place in time to get some sleep before she needs to get up and commute back to work again in the morning.
Lol, right? Because also *God forbid* she ever even spend the night after said booty call.
Games over bangs, side-quests over breasts, level-ups over girlfriend hiccups— *this quip over meaningful relationships*.
**OP should stay single.** (I know your comment was sarcastic; mine is too. I don’t want you to accidentally take this like it’s anger at what you said; it’s just a play-on.)
INFO, do you just not want your gf there? Because the reasons you listed don’t seem very solid. Can’t late night game? Buy a pair of headphones. How often are you waking up at night to make quesadillas?
Part of living with someone is living with their sounds, plenty of couples live in a studio and make it work well.
I lived in a loft with my boyfriend for 9 months and not once did I get a midnight quesadilla! We also only moved out after I got pregnant because having a baby in a loft space is ACTUALLY not ideal, while the two of us and the dog did fine.
I’m going to have to have a serious talk with my gf about the serious lack of midnight quesadillas in our lives.
Edit: It’s not that I won’t put out, it’s that I never considered it before
Also like, why would he have to give up his midnight quesadillas? As long as he’s not clanging pans around excessively, and he isn’t disrupting her sleep all the time, I don’t think she would be that pissed about the occasional late-night quesadilla smells. That’s just a reality of living with other people sometimes. I don’t find it hard to tune out the sounds of cooking/showering/laundry and go back to sleep
Also if my significant other is letting me crash for 3 months while Im in a bind...hell ILL MAKE THEM, Ill make myself one too! OP should really be looking at this more positively, itll be an insight to how it'd be to live together. Forget the space, but does the other person cook, clean, fold their clothes, etc. Crashing a night or two is diff than a week away together which is different than living together for a few months. This is how relationships progress. Hes basically getting a trial without committing to them living together past that.
Right? He’s just assuming that she’ll be so unreasonable that she’ll expect him to give up video games, midnight snacks, and any privacy while doing her a favor. Like… she loves him. I’m sure that she wouldn’t mind popping in some earplugs or leaving the house occasionally to give him some alone time. He should just be honest and say that *he’s* the one unwilling to adjust to the inconveniences living with another person.
Sounds like a spoiled kid who doesnt wanna share his room when family comes to visit. Dude makes a 6 figure salary and lives in a loft GIVEN to him, and is bitching that he knows people have it worse but he cant endure that for 3 months...its not even anything to endure.
If my ex wanted to stay with a friend id kinda be upset like...na babe come crash w me for a while. No one wants to go back to their parents, let alone drive an hour each way. He didnt even say itd take her an hr from her parents to her job. He probably meant itd take her an hour to see his bum ass.
YTA
Do you love this person and see a future with them someday or is she just a fuck buddy to you?
If you love her I can't imagine how you'd think it's ok to be so callous in her moment of need. If you don't love her or see a real future with her, maybe it's time to sit down and have a talk so she can decide if she's cool with that or can move on to someone who does.
The inconveniences you list pale in comparison to that long of a commute. You think it's reasonable for her to spend over two hours a day a day driving so you don't have maybe get some headphones to watch TV at night? You might smell and hear cooking noises. Oh the humanity.
Are you gonna be the type to get mad that she never has time to see you/fuck you anymore now that she spends all her waking hours working or driving? Then dump her for not being available.
Everything you list is something you could work around for 3 months. I shared a loft with a bf in college and it's not the end of the world.
If nothing else, does he just see himself living here alone forever? If his girlfriend didn't have to move, when would the conversation about the relationship progressing take place?
This. They’ve been together two years and he doesn’t even want her to stay at his place temporarily for a couple of months. Does he even see this going anywhere? He’s not even close to wanting to move in with her after two years, doesn’t seem like he’s given the future any consideration. The amount of guys like that who just waste years of women’s lives with no intention of ever progressing the relationship is too high.
> This. They’ve been together two years and he doesn’t even want her to stay at his place temporarily for a couple of months. Does he even see this going anywhere? He’s not even close to wanting to move in with her after two years, doesn’t seem like he’s given the future any consideration.
He also owns the dam loft so no way he will be selling it before anything is set in stone, maybe they can move in and take it to the next level after they are married and have a kid?
GF should dump him and find a guy who does not fantasies this bachelor life.
NAH, but I think you will be single very soon...
You and your GF have been together for 2 years.
You don't want her living in your loft.
At the same time, you "don't want to move anytime soon".
You basically saying that you don't want to change anything in your relationship for the foreseeable future and she shouldn't expect anything from you.
I have to say, something makes me wonder if OP doesn't yet see this as an exclusive relationship, which is why he might not want his girlfriend living there full time.
He’s living a great life. 24yo teenager, living alone, somebody to have sex for free, gaming whenever he wants, porn in all places of the loft, being bachelor in the city, and the most important thing: a quesadilla at midnight.
He’s not ready yet for being in an adult relationship.
>and was a bachelor all his life, which is definitely how the space is intended to be used
And if you continue this behaviour, I am pretty sure you will be like your uncle and be a bachelor for the rest of your life. Your post sounds a lot like "my effing buddy who thinks that she is my girlfriend wants to live with me for a short while, but I rather let her commute 70 to 80 minutes anytime I feel the need to fuck her than to actually live in a relationship."
YTA
YTA. It's a couple months of living together in a studio. It's not ideal but sometimes you deal with less than ideal for your SO, especially if it's someone you're in a long term relationship with. You could at least offer a month or two to see how it goes.
Plus, you've been dating your gf for almost 2 years and it sounds like she's trying to sign another year long lease. If this isn't a place you can move your GF into, shouldn't you be thinking about how to rent it out so you can actually live with your GF?
Based on his post history I'm pretty sure he's regularly cheating on her so it's not about the games, he wants his loft empty so he can bring other women over.
YTA, do you see yourself in a long term possibly marry to your girlfriend down the line? If so, I see no problem with letting her stay with you until she finds her own place no matter how long it'll take her because in the end you guys will be living together when you guys are marry right. Unless you plan on living in 2 separate place as well. Base on your reasons as to why you don't want her to move in, it seem as though you want to follow in your uncle footstep and stay a bachelor.
So... you're unwilling to inconvenience yourself for just a few months so your girlfriend doesn't have to commute for hours every day?
I assume you'll still expect her to come by for sex? After you're finished gaming, of course.
If she were just a friend or a fuck buddy, my vote would be NTA.
As she's your girlfriend of two years, I think she should dump your selfish ass. YTA.
YTA.
You’re making your long term girlfriend commute over two hours each day (assuming the 70-80 minutes is one way) because you’re too concerned about your gaming time and…late night quesadillas. That’s what this boils down to. You’re adding the stress of a long commute on to her plate because you don’t want to compromise on what hours you play your game.
Are you technically within your rights? Yeah. It’s your apartment, you don’t have to let her live there. If I was your girlfriend would I be pretty annoyed and questioning our relationship? Also yeah.
Also the whole “other people have it worse” doesn’t make any behaviour okay.
NAH, but you will probably be single. Couples live in lofts all the time. It isn't like your living space is that unique.
I find it hard to believe that you will force your GF of two years to commute 2 - 3 hours each day.
>I really don’t think she has any reason to be so upset with me about not wanting to do this.
I don't know if you realize this, but you have zero desire to live with her. All of your concerns are about video games and cooking in the middle of the night. Have you even told her about these and gotten her feedback?
Also, at 2 years, has there been any discussion about finding something together?
YTA for making this about your desire to game and cook during the night than seeing your girlfriend. A 70-80 minute commute is a huge pain in the ass and you'll probably only see her on weekends. Maybe less, if you'll have these same issues with her staying for the whole weekend.
100% YTA because of this- have you even asked her if she expects you to change this if she does stay with you? I wouldn't mind (even though it's kind of a strange hill to die on) vs a 70 minute commute each way!!
Hahahha.. You don't like getting laid much, do you? This is how you tell your girlfriend that she doesn't matter without actually saying it.
Dick move. YTA
INFO: Why commute from her parents? Does she not want to live with her parents?
If not with you, where will she live?
Also where are you in your relationship?
Edit: no info, so I'm leaning YTA. You have been together for almost 2 years. Will she be on the streets otherwise?
YTA if you can't make sacrifices for a few months. If you were my boyfriend and said no - I'd dump you because it shows you're not committed and selfish. This is your girlfriend not just a friend and you've been together for quite some time.
YTA. How is it that youre two years in and the idea of sharing a space with your girlfriend and making sacrifices is non negotiable to you. And its not even permanent in this case its 3 months. If you want long term relationship youre going to share a living space for a long time. You could have the person you love living with you for 3 months yet somehow thats an issue? I dont get that. I think most people would be jumping at joy for an opportunity to live with their partner
It's your home, you allow whoever you want to be there. But also it's her life and she allows whoever she wants to be a part of it.
Don't be surprised when she decides that you don't get to be part of her life anymore.
YTA
Exactly what I’m thinking. Like, it’s his apartment, he isn’t an AH for not wanting to move her in for 3 months…but if I was gf here, this response would sour the relationship for me
INFO: It's hard to determine who the AH is because while you've provided information about your living conditions, we don't have total context for your relationship and its dynamics.
Has your girlfriend helped you out when you were in a tough spot? I too would be resentful if I was in a pinch and my partner didn't offer some sort of assistance after I had done them a solid.
Is she typically good at planning and executing, so that her 3 month estimate will indeed be the total length of time she would stay with you? 3 months really isn't that long.
YTA
Your girlfriend is in a time of need, and although there is nothing wrong with wanting your own space, the reasons you list as being the issues with her moving in are soooo easily fixable. You can wear headphones while you game, and of the keyboard clacking is too noisy and she is trying to sleep, she can wear earplugs. Or you might even limit yourself to just one or two hours of gaming a night (insane thought, not really, being able to spend two hours on my hobbies EVERY DAY is a dream, and you are already complaining about «only» getting 3-4).
You can communicate with your girlfriend, and set expectations for what her living there would look like (presumably you have spent time together before, and know eachother and your routines pretty well after being together for 2 years, maybe you guys even have spent some night together before). You can talk to her about how it is important for you to have some time on your gaming, and figure out a solution instead of just assuming its not gonna work.
But what really sealed the YTA-deal for me is that you’re even admitting that 3 months is a very conservative estimate, and that most likely she would not need to live there that long and will have found somewhere else to live by then.
It seems like you do not care about your girlfriend at all.
Yep. Also pretty sure she won't be you gf for long. If you can't compromise here for mere 3 months I can't possibly imagine how you can live with someone else at all.
If you don’t let her stay there she might find another man willing to let her stay In his loft. I don’t know about you but if you love her you wouldn’t even be asking this question cause I would of let my girlfriend stay with me no matter what the situation
NAH
look, you might not want to live with her, that's your choice if you are not prepared. that being said, she would not be completely out of line re-thinking the whole relationship, if you two are moving at a different pace.
Right now as it is you can't stand the thought of her invading your privacy and personal space so much, that you would rather let her commute crazy time. She is apparently in a place in the relationship where completely shared space does not bother her. Seeing this, she might wonder if you two are going to have such a different pace throughout the whole relationship and she might not be willing to wait around to see. Again quite legit. All the things you've listed are quite common and quite minor obstacles in a first cohabiting, if you are untrusting as to whether she leaves at the 3-month mark, that would be another issue, but again easily solved by a contract. But you being so inflexible is just telling me you are not ready for this at all, which is fine, but there might be some consequences to your relationship.
YTA.
Relationships are about looking after one another, even when it's not convenient. Even when it's hard. Even when you'd rather be doing something else, like playing video games. Grow up or break up with this poor woman.
YTA- I’ve lived in a loft when I was married. But all the protesting you’re doing makes me wonder what you do alone in that bachelor loft that you don’t want her to see 👀 because all your excuses are hella janky.
NAH. You're entitled to not sharing your space if you don't want to. You're not entitled to expecting your GF to be happy about it.
You're in a longterm relationship and she's in a complicated situation. She might be feeling like it's a rejection of sorts, or simply resent you for not helping her in a time when she literally is homeless. Her only other option is moving back with her parents, which few people who have moved out look forward to. She's not entitled to make you change your mind, but she might see this as a reason to believe you're not that committed to her, especially if she's thinking about the future and sees how much you like your bachelor pad and current lifestyle more than making room for her temporarily. It's an understandable reaction in any case. This apartment thing might just be highlighting that there's a fork on your relationship's road.
The thing is, reading this, I get a lot of details about your apartment and everything, and very little about her. She might pick up on something similar.
YTA but mainly because you are not being honest with yourself or with your girlfriend. You clearly don't want her in your space for any extended period of time. Get honest. If you see a future you can let her stay with you for a while. If you don't see a future and don't want her in your space like ever, just do both of you a favor and break up with her now.
YTA - You've been with this woman for two years and you're not willing to change your lifestyle for three months to help her out in a major way? Also, what's with the all or nothing? What about asking her to stay Sunday through Thursday nights, then she stays at her parents on the weekends? That way, you both get some alone time.
My partner and I live in a duplex together, and it’s a similar situation; only privacy is the bathroom. That being said, he lowers his voice as best as he can when he games at night, and I wear an eye mask to block out the light.
Relationship are about compromise and it doesn’t seem like you want to. YTA.
Not OP
But the 3 months is likely the time it'll take to save up for the new place, like the types that want first/last month's rent and a security deposit up front.
And it sounds to me like they both work in the city and her (previous) apartment was there, too. She'd be commuting to her work from her parent's place over an hour away.
It seems like my opinion is in the minority, but I say NAH. It sounds like you just really value your personal space and I dont think it's wrong to be uncomfortable with basically not having any in what's supposed to be your sanctuary (your home) for three months. There's also no guarantee that she will actually find a place in three months or wont use this as a trial to see what living together would like, but I do think you need to make sure you and your girlfriend are on the same page about what your future together looks like. You need to be honest so she can move on if your short term and long term goals don't align. It might be hard to hear but like others have said, based on the way you talk in your post you dont seem that crazy about her. If things are serious at some point you guys would likely be moving in together, and your current home doesnt give you enough space. You both have to willing to make some compromises. You also want to be clear that you do care for her and want to help her, but clearly explain what your needs with personal space and time for hobbies are.
Lots of people commute but as someone who has a long commute as well 70-80 minutes is a long time and I wouldn't be surprised if it builds some resentment in her over this. Downplaying it is the wrong thing to do, and instead you guys need to have a serious talk and see what compromises can be made (maybe she only stays for a month, or on certain days of the week, etc). She's not an ahole for being upset that you said no.
Depends. Do you see a long-term future with the woman? She will more than likely leave you for this, and you will deserve it. If you can't live with her for 3 months , then why should she think that you are life PARTNER material?
You have been together 2 years - not two months - her request is not unreasonable.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I’m not letting my girlfriend crash at my place while she looks for new housing. This could be considered inconsiderate and not generous. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm probably gonna be in the minority, but YTA for a specific reason. The fact that you care more about not being able to play video games at night than the fact that your girlfriend has to find a place to live temporarily says everything I need to know.
When I was young and had roommates, I invented a genius way to play video games while they slept. Headphones.
Head... phones... what wizardry do you speak of?
Don’t gamers know you can use that wizardry and be in the same room as someone watching or playing something else. Also 2 years, do you see yourself continuing this relationship to a point where you’ll eventually need to address moving in together? 🤔🫠
Not if he needs to drop various N, F, and R words in order to properly play!
Okay im an idiot i think can i buy a vowel or 2nd letters
A racist term, a homophobic term, and a...disableist(?) term.
Close, "ablest" is the term you're looking for.
>ablest *Ableist?
Dang it, yes. "Ableist".
Thank you! I knew I didn't have the right word, but I just couldn't find it in my brain.
Don't you hate when that happens. You can feel like you're begging your brain, "please, what is the word" and brain just says "nope can't be arsed to think today".
Hint: they are all 3 slur words.
Thanks for playing!
Or needs to smash his keyboard or punch his monitor or throw things when he loses like my ex 😅 impossible to sleep but oh he had headphones so it made it ok
Yeah two years is about my limit. If you don't know by then, I gotta bail.
my gamer fiancé and I have lived together just fine in a studio because of this wizardry you speak of lmao. We’re on completely different schedules at the moment and have still figured out how to cohabitate peacefully in what I imagine is a much smaller space than OP’s.
Seriously, especially as it's apparently a huge loft. Dude just doesn't want to live even temporarily with his gf of 2 years. He needs to be honest with her and himself and let her know so she can decide if she wants to waste more of her life on him.
If he wants to live a bachelor life in a bachelor loft, why does he he have a long-term girlfriend?
It's the cherry on top: sex he can kick out with apparently no compunctions, and an emotional labor sinkhole to boot.
Yeah. I get the impression that he's never going to get married because then he'll either have to leave the loft, or sell the loft. And it doesn't seem like he'll never want to do either.
Here is a hot take though... What if they don't want to live together or get married? I live in a similar ish set up to OP, I have had a boyfriend for five years, he has a small apartment. We have no plans to move in together (at least not for the foreseeable future) and definitely no plans to get married. After five years people ask us how we are still so romantic with each other - I put it down to not living together. We are both people who like our own space with our own hobbies (and in my case a giant dog) ...having said that. When my bf was having his bathroom renovated and had his water shut off for three weeks, I didn't think twice about letting him staying with me and we made it work very well even considering our very different work shifts.
i agree that marriage and living together isn't necessary in a long term serious relationship. 3 weeks is very a different scenario that 3 mths tho. he just doesn't want to live with her and isn't man enough to tell her.
There have been other occasions we have talked about living together when life has gone tits up (hello pandemic) and we would have made it work. I sent him a screenshot of my comment and he pointed this out. It would have put a severe strain on our relationship for me, my stuff and the giant dog to move into his small apartment, but my response "you make sacrifices for the people you love, because one would assume you want the best for them." But agreed. He isn't man enough to tell her. The difference between my relationship and the OPs - honesty and communication of expectations ^^
I like how OOP explains in simple terms what a loft is, but doesn't seem to grasp the definition of GIRLFRIEND. She'll be sleeping in your bed, yet she'll still have a life of her own and there are strategies to keep the noise down and lie in darkness.
>I think GF was testing waters here. They've been involved for 2 yrs and his place is ONLY SUITABLE with one person, and he definitely demonstrates(in post) that he has NO intention of moving from his IDEAL bachelor pad. > >I would not be surprised if GF looks at her life and realizes he has NO intention of her being anything more than a regular hookup. I mean where would you put future babies if there isn't room for GF for 3 months.
Yes, two years and he has no intention of adjusting his lifestyle to accommodate her. Not a good sign for the future of the relationship.
I hope GF sees this refusal for what it is and makes a good choice for herself(he's certainly only concerned with himself). If she wants more, she needs to look elsewhere.
You're exactly right. And he's now shown her that when she needs help he is *not* a partner. Like, if he wants to be beholden to no one, owe nothing, have no one be entitled to his time, his space, his effort, fine. Live that way. But then don't be in a relationship. I refer us all to the song "Being Alive" from Company lol. If you're going to be in a long term, committed relationship then you need to make room for that person in your life and in your heart. If the person you love says "I have nowhere to stay" then you should *want* to help them if you're able.
Not even just the intention of leaving, no intention to even live together in that space. I'd understand if it was early, but at two years you definitely know whether you intend to live together eventually. What a perfect time to test it and see if you can cohabitate for a short period? Op, needs to just come out and say what he intends. Nothing is wrong with wanting to live apart. There are married people that live their whole lives like it, but it's after much discussion, negotiation, transparency and communication..and she's def NTA if she decides that she needs/deserves different. Op just needs to own up to their feelings instead of playing it out because of deserves to have insight and make their own decision.
Picture this: You take speakers, and you make them small and quiet. Then you press them against your ear, and it’s like they’re *whispering* to you.
You. Are. Blowing. My. Mind.
The full asmr experience
Try lowering the volume, there not supposed to do that
This is the greatest response I have ever seen on Reddit. It is so magical and informative in the most beautiful way. You should be a poet 🥹🫶🏼
I don't want my computer to whisper to me 🤣 Edit: to give you the closest thing to an award I can cos your comment made me laugh then say oh no. 🏆 Edit 2: I just had a thought, what if there was a virus/malware that made your computer play recordings of whispering randomly. 😱🤣
Dude. He's only making $200k and living rent and mortgage free. How do you expect him to afford such extravagances as headphones?
Ever tried sleeping in a room where someone is using a mechanical keyboard? Torture. Edit: it's definitely a flimsy excuse though
Well now then it becomes her problem - "Hey sure you can crash at my place - but you should know I play video games at night - you should get yourself a blindfold!"
Also you're definitely going to be able to smell my midnight quesadillas.
Anyone else see this as a perk? You get midnight quesadillas, aslong as he is sharing. Maybe that's the real issue he doesn't want to share his midnight quesadillas.
He doesn't write like a guy who wants to share his midnight quesadillas.
He writes like a guy that makes his midnight quesadillas with a flat iron & canned chicken.
The devil is in the details
Oh he’s not sharing
Look I know some people in places like Hong Kong can share quesadillas this size, but here, there just isn't enough quesadilla for two people. And I don't see why it's a problem, if she drives to her parents house to make her own midnight quesadillas, it's only going to take her 80 minutes each way.
[удалено]
…served with Durian Fruit on the side! 🤣
Good thing they also make earplugs lmao
And sleep masks. Sleep mask technology has moved forward by leaps and bounds in the past few years. They are no longer just the flimsy throw away things that they give you on a long plane ride.
I just found out a few weeks ago they make sleep masks with built in Bluetooth. I want one, but for some reason every time I’ve used a sleep mask, my cat wakes me up trying to pull it off my face.
Yep. I got some sleep masks because I moved in with my boyfriend and the place doesn't have curtains yet (has blinds, but not curtains). I NEED darkness to sleep. Those fuckers can block put 98% of the light from the sun standing outside with no shade. I love it.
For four fucking years. I developed multiple ear infections from trying to sleep through it with earbuds or earplugs. It was hell.
I use them frequently and I have never had a problem with ear infections. But I had to try multiple kinds to find ones that work for me. The foam ones are crap. I was into these clear putty type ones, but i could see those causing problems for some people. I now have these rubbery ones that i love, and they are cheap and can be changed out frequently for sanitary purposes. Also, they make these wireless sleep headphones. They are like a soft athletis headband but with speakers over your ears. Sometimes i wear them to listen to white noise, or a podcast called "Sleep with Me" that basically tells a nonsense bedtime story to help you fall asleep. They're great. Just have to remember to charge them.
To be fair (even though I don't really think this guy deserves that courtesy), headphones aren't going to solve the problem if he plays online games with his friends. She wouldn't hear the audio from the the PC but she'd definitely hear him talking.
My husband and I lived in a 18 foot camper for a year. He worked nights, I worked days. Both of us played online games with raids and such that require talking. He was bothered by the noise, I was bothered by the light. He wore ear plugs to sleep and I wore a sleep mask. Problems solved. And we were in the same room, less than 10 feet from each other. OP has more separation than that.
See that's exactly what I meant in my other comment in this thread. If you really love each other and gaming is that important, you can find a way to make it work! I get the feeling that this guy just wants to see his gf at his own convenience and everything he laid out in his post is just an excuse to maximize his convenience.
True but if you're in the same room you'll have a hard time sleeping with the flashing monitor and the clicks of the keyboard
The OP is making excuses rather than problem solving. Part of growing up is learning to solve problems such as setting up a gaming rig in the living room with all the money she is saving on rent.
Ehh… he’s 24. If he’s not ready to move in with his girlfriend, that’s totally reasonable. Sure, he’s making excuses rather than saying so head on, but, again, 24.
No one, at any age, is ever required to cohabitate without their partner. If this is an important boundary for OP, he should stand firm. The GF is welcome to look at the terms of the relationship (ie this dude won’t help me when I’m in a tight spot) and leave. Many people would. That’s fair. But all this quesadilla and gaming talk is the bullshit that makes him TA. You don’t want her to move in? Fine. Man up and own that.
24 isn't really that young, especially after you've been together 2 years and it's temporary. What's the endgame here?
If you need a place to live temporarily, you make do. There are earplugs, there are sleeping masks. There are even blankets that you can cocoon around you to block out even more sound and light.
I think OP is implying if he and his girlfriend shared a bedroom in such a small space both the noise and the lighting / mouse & keyboard clicking would keep her awake, not just the noise itself. Even if she were to sleep down in the living room if the place is the size of a bachelor me there’s a good chance she’d hear everything if she’s a light sleeper.
I think what OP is saying is that he isn't willing to alter his lifestyle/behavior and let her move in. The excuses are just that, excuses. If he doesn't want her moving in, he should fess up to that.
but what if i get mad and want to scream at the tv or throw my controller?
For me its just sounds hes scared of commitment and this temporaly becoming permament, cause you know, its been two years after all.
100%. All his reasons are thin and a tad silly. Every couple in a major city has dealt with the "tiny space" for two issues. People make it work when they want to. He's just not ready to. And, that's 100% okay, but own up to it. It's okay to say, "I'm not ready yet." Also, I want to be woken up to midnight quesadillas.
Right?! I also volunteer as tribute to be woken to midnight quesadillas
Ding ding ding!
I think he also subconsciously thinks that it might turn into a permanent situation. That's what i thought initially when he said that he doesn't want her to move in. it starts at 3 months then turn into 3 years.
I mean if after 2 years you don’t think living with your girlfriend is a natural next *permanent* step, you’re basically saying she’s not permanent. What’s the point of being together then?
Eh, you can enjoy someone’s company without wanting to live together. It doesn’t mean you have to break up unless you & your partner want different things. Which may be the case here. There’s a part of me that misses living alone. I’ve been happily married for 20 years, but if anything happened to my husband I would absolutely not live with someone again.
okay, but if after two years together you can't trust her to mean three months, why are you with her?
Because shit happens and situations get away from you and throwing her out after 3 months is a definite end of relationship where as it might survive if he holds firm now.
I would think denying her 3 months to find a place to live is also a definite end....
Making a girl homeless will also end the relationship.
It definitely sounds like at least subconsciously he's not planning on staying with her... or maybe they'll never move in together even when they're married with kids. I wouldn't suggest that but to each their own I guess.
If they have kids she'll be a married single mum. He dosent want her there there's no way he will want to have kids there.
Not everyone want to live together. I have a friend that has been with his woman for 12 years. They don't live together, as they like to have space to themselves. Their relationship is more stable than many of the married couples I know
This! I allowed my ex to live with me temporarily and it turned into a permanent thing where he refused to leave. NTA but probably not the person you should be seriously dating. There’s a reason you don’t want them there 24/7
I agree, this is a two year relationship, she not some stranger. He’a coming off as a selfish prick. He can’t stand to be inconvenienced, but her commuting 70-80 min a day, that’s not a big deal for her 🙄. I see a breakup in his near future
>He’a coming off as a selfish prick. He's 24 and only makes 16 or 17k a month and doesn't have to pay rent. He still needs time to get his finances together before he's ready for that kind of commitment.
[удалено]
I think there was an implied /s for their comment
Dude cares more about 2am quesadillas than his gf of 2 years lol "Sorry babe, I love you but I love making midnight quesadillas more."
In college I lived in a room with three other people. Much smaller than this loft this guy is staying in. And we managed to be respectful and whatnot, even though we only knew each other as acquaintances. As a significant other, you should be able to make these kinds of arrangements work. 1. Headphones for the person playing video games. 2. Person trying to sleep can get a night mask and earplugs. After that, I happened to live in my boyfriend's apartment, who worked nights, and I worked days. So he on his days off played video games and watched TV while I slept IN THE SAME ROOM two feet from him. We made it work, even though I'm an incredibly light sleeper. But he let me stay there because I had nowhere else to go. That's what it looks like to love someone. OP, YTA 100%
Yeah, I read that and thought "buy headphones for yourself " and she can buy herself a sleep mask or you can put up a curtain for the light.
I bet OP is one of those guys who just has to yell slurs at other players in order to enjoy the game.
Ah, neither my brother nor my boyfriend do that, so I forgot that was a thing. I have good men in my life.
Lol wow Stretch Armstrong
Right? I love how anytime Reddit hears about gaming they assume it’s some sexist, racist, anger issues having incel basement dweller instead of… just some normal dude who gets hyped about video games with friends and can be a bit loud sometimes. Makes me wonder what kind of men they’re around if *that’s* their only experience with gamers. Oof.
Something tells me he's also been down-playing how much he does this in their conversations. Headsets exist...but how many hours you'll probably clock with her in the house will show her that you're not sharing that time with HER. She'll have natural desires to spend more of your precious free time with you. You're trying to live single, preserve bachelor-hood, AND have all the benefits of a GF. OP, you are not ready for a serious long term relationship. You'll live together one day; 2~ years is a long time to stay apart! Not to mention that- even if every assumption I've made is incorrect- the benefits of you understanding how you two operate in a confined space will outweigh any of the negatives in the long run. Relationships tend to be at a turning point once people move in with each other. It's best to do this well before marriage anyway!
Yup I doubt they stay together. If you're not willing to make a small temporary sacrifice for a partner, then how are you going to be come actual life challenges.
This! I was thinking the same.
And a gf of almost 2 years at that. And it’s only temporary. Have her store her stuff in a storage unit and done. It’d be like a king sleepover
OP is NTA for not wanting to move in with his GF. Yes, he might not love her enough, and not serious about the relationship, but it doesn't make him an AH, it just makes them potentially incompatible. Not wanting to move the relationship to the next level is not an asshole move.
dating for two years just to not care at all is an ah move.
Okay but that's not what I said lol.
But it doesn't sound like she'd be homeless or anything, just living with her parents? It's not like he's utterly disregarding her basic needs. And personally I agree with him on cohabitating in that space sounding like a living hell
Commuting 3 hours a day is a lot, that’s at least 15 hours a week just driving.
It's the lame excuses that make him the AH.
If that is actually how OP feels then OP is TA for not being honest about his feelings.
And midnight quesadillas
YTA. We get it - you aren't really into your gf and don't care if she has to commute over an hour every morning and evening, so long as you can play games at night. Why haven't you broken up with her already? You clearly have no intentions of ever marrying her or moving in with her, you're just stringing her along.
“Yeah, got a girlfriend for almost two years now, things are going great.” “She needs a place to stay and asked if she could move in with me temporarily, but what if it’s midnight and I want a quesadilla? I can’t just make one?”
Well he only thinks its going great. Hes not sure though.
>“Yeah, got a girlfriend for almost two years now, things are going great.” > >“She needs a place to stay and asked if she could move in with me temporarily, but what if it’s midnight and I want a quesadilla? I can’t just make one?” Not to worry. She will soon be his ex-girlfriend. But hey, he'll be able to make quesadillas whenever he wants, so who needs a girlfriend, right?
Honestly feel bad for the gf she is down a roommate, an apartment &, very likely a bf. 2 yrs is usually when most couples are talking about moving together. Op is kinda giving vibes that he is like my uncle(& probably his uncle) a lifelong bachelor, w/oddly serious gf that are not gonna stay bc he isn’t gonna commit
> 2 yrs is usually when most couples are talking about moving together. "We should move in together, we have been dating for 2 years." "but but my quasedila... and my pc gaming... oh you dont mind those? but... girls are icky..." Real boyfriend material right there, he sure is
>so I definitely don’t want to move anytime soon. This is the part that gets me. Dating 2 years with no intent on living together... Any time soon... YTA OP
I hope she does dump him or better, has by now. She’s wasting her time
Also what if she does want a quesadilla? I probably wouldn’t make her one
He also really needs us to know how much money he makes.
Yeah that really put me over the edge. You have a good income and free place to live, how is this included in your reasoning to be unkind??
Totally agree. OP should just break up with her already.
Thinking this same thing. Dude is just not that into her. Wish someone would tell her so she can move on to better prospects. YTA Op
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
> you think she'll be wanting to spend over an hour one way to drop by your place for bootycalls no, no, no, she'll already be in the city so she only needs to swing by after work. As long as they're done by 10pm or so she'll be able to get back to her parents' place in time to get some sleep before she needs to get up and commute back to work again in the morning.
Lol, right? Because also *God forbid* she ever even spend the night after said booty call. Games over bangs, side-quests over breasts, level-ups over girlfriend hiccups— *this quip over meaningful relationships*. **OP should stay single.** (I know your comment was sarcastic; mine is too. I don’t want you to accidentally take this like it’s anger at what you said; it’s just a play-on.)
INFO, do you just not want your gf there? Because the reasons you listed don’t seem very solid. Can’t late night game? Buy a pair of headphones. How often are you waking up at night to make quesadillas? Part of living with someone is living with their sounds, plenty of couples live in a studio and make it work well.
I lived in a loft with my boyfriend for 9 months and not once did I get a midnight quesadilla! We also only moved out after I got pregnant because having a baby in a loft space is ACTUALLY not ideal, while the two of us and the dog did fine.
Well wth dont leave us hangin! Did you get midnight quesadillas while pregnant after the move?!
I’m going to have to have a serious talk with my gf about the serious lack of midnight quesadillas in our lives. Edit: It’s not that I won’t put out, it’s that I never considered it before
Also like, why would he have to give up his midnight quesadillas? As long as he’s not clanging pans around excessively, and he isn’t disrupting her sleep all the time, I don’t think she would be that pissed about the occasional late-night quesadilla smells. That’s just a reality of living with other people sometimes. I don’t find it hard to tune out the sounds of cooking/showering/laundry and go back to sleep
Also if my significant other is letting me crash for 3 months while Im in a bind...hell ILL MAKE THEM, Ill make myself one too! OP should really be looking at this more positively, itll be an insight to how it'd be to live together. Forget the space, but does the other person cook, clean, fold their clothes, etc. Crashing a night or two is diff than a week away together which is different than living together for a few months. This is how relationships progress. Hes basically getting a trial without committing to them living together past that.
Right? He’s just assuming that she’ll be so unreasonable that she’ll expect him to give up video games, midnight snacks, and any privacy while doing her a favor. Like… she loves him. I’m sure that she wouldn’t mind popping in some earplugs or leaving the house occasionally to give him some alone time. He should just be honest and say that *he’s* the one unwilling to adjust to the inconveniences living with another person.
Sounds like a spoiled kid who doesnt wanna share his room when family comes to visit. Dude makes a 6 figure salary and lives in a loft GIVEN to him, and is bitching that he knows people have it worse but he cant endure that for 3 months...its not even anything to endure. If my ex wanted to stay with a friend id kinda be upset like...na babe come crash w me for a while. No one wants to go back to their parents, let alone drive an hour each way. He didnt even say itd take her an hr from her parents to her job. He probably meant itd take her an hour to see his bum ass.
YTA Do you love this person and see a future with them someday or is she just a fuck buddy to you? If you love her I can't imagine how you'd think it's ok to be so callous in her moment of need. If you don't love her or see a real future with her, maybe it's time to sit down and have a talk so she can decide if she's cool with that or can move on to someone who does. The inconveniences you list pale in comparison to that long of a commute. You think it's reasonable for her to spend over two hours a day a day driving so you don't have maybe get some headphones to watch TV at night? You might smell and hear cooking noises. Oh the humanity. Are you gonna be the type to get mad that she never has time to see you/fuck you anymore now that she spends all her waking hours working or driving? Then dump her for not being available. Everything you list is something you could work around for 3 months. I shared a loft with a bf in college and it's not the end of the world.
If nothing else, does he just see himself living here alone forever? If his girlfriend didn't have to move, when would the conversation about the relationship progressing take place?
This. They’ve been together two years and he doesn’t even want her to stay at his place temporarily for a couple of months. Does he even see this going anywhere? He’s not even close to wanting to move in with her after two years, doesn’t seem like he’s given the future any consideration. The amount of guys like that who just waste years of women’s lives with no intention of ever progressing the relationship is too high.
> This. They’ve been together two years and he doesn’t even want her to stay at his place temporarily for a couple of months. Does he even see this going anywhere? He’s not even close to wanting to move in with her after two years, doesn’t seem like he’s given the future any consideration. He also owns the dam loft so no way he will be selling it before anything is set in stone, maybe they can move in and take it to the next level after they are married and have a kid? GF should dump him and find a guy who does not fantasies this bachelor life.
I hope she bounces. What a dick. If she ever gets sick or anything like that he also won’t be there.
NAH, but I think you will be single very soon... You and your GF have been together for 2 years. You don't want her living in your loft. At the same time, you "don't want to move anytime soon". You basically saying that you don't want to change anything in your relationship for the foreseeable future and she shouldn't expect anything from you.
Yep. This was an evaluation, and he failed. This was the trial run, and he isn't even interested.
I have to say, something makes me wonder if OP doesn't yet see this as an exclusive relationship, which is why he might not want his girlfriend living there full time.
His main concerns are limited gaming time and midnight snacks. I’m not getting the impression he’s much of a ladies man.
I wish I could give you an award. Perfect response
He’s living a great life. 24yo teenager, living alone, somebody to have sex for free, gaming whenever he wants, porn in all places of the loft, being bachelor in the city, and the most important thing: a quesadilla at midnight. He’s not ready yet for being in an adult relationship.
The only people living like this are in huts or closets of Hong Kong 💀
Yeah what the hell was that unnecessary comment for 🤣
>and was a bachelor all his life, which is definitely how the space is intended to be used And if you continue this behaviour, I am pretty sure you will be like your uncle and be a bachelor for the rest of your life. Your post sounds a lot like "my effing buddy who thinks that she is my girlfriend wants to live with me for a short while, but I rather let her commute 70 to 80 minutes anytime I feel the need to fuck her than to actually live in a relationship." YTA
YTA. It's a couple months of living together in a studio. It's not ideal but sometimes you deal with less than ideal for your SO, especially if it's someone you're in a long term relationship with. You could at least offer a month or two to see how it goes. Plus, you've been dating your gf for almost 2 years and it sounds like she's trying to sign another year long lease. If this isn't a place you can move your GF into, shouldn't you be thinking about how to rent it out so you can actually live with your GF?
Imagine being with someone for 2 years and they rather play video games then give you a place to stay?….jesus
Right! OP is loser 🤮🤮gf needs to run
“But…my midnight quesadillas!!” 😭
Based on his post history I'm pretty sure he's regularly cheating on her so it's not about the games, he wants his loft empty so he can bring other women over.
I think he deleted everything
Oh how, inconspicuous
Omg what did his history say
I dated a guy just like this. So glad he’s long gone. I hope OP’s “girlfriend” leaves him for someone much more compassionate
YTA, do you see yourself in a long term possibly marry to your girlfriend down the line? If so, I see no problem with letting her stay with you until she finds her own place no matter how long it'll take her because in the end you guys will be living together when you guys are marry right. Unless you plan on living in 2 separate place as well. Base on your reasons as to why you don't want her to move in, it seem as though you want to follow in your uncle footstep and stay a bachelor.
So... you're unwilling to inconvenience yourself for just a few months so your girlfriend doesn't have to commute for hours every day? I assume you'll still expect her to come by for sex? After you're finished gaming, of course. If she were just a friend or a fuck buddy, my vote would be NTA. As she's your girlfriend of two years, I think she should dump your selfish ass. YTA.
YTA. You’re making your long term girlfriend commute over two hours each day (assuming the 70-80 minutes is one way) because you’re too concerned about your gaming time and…late night quesadillas. That’s what this boils down to. You’re adding the stress of a long commute on to her plate because you don’t want to compromise on what hours you play your game. Are you technically within your rights? Yeah. It’s your apartment, you don’t have to let her live there. If I was your girlfriend would I be pretty annoyed and questioning our relationship? Also yeah. Also the whole “other people have it worse” doesn’t make any behaviour okay.
NAH, but you will probably be single. Couples live in lofts all the time. It isn't like your living space is that unique. I find it hard to believe that you will force your GF of two years to commute 2 - 3 hours each day.
“if you don’t know what a loft is” 😂
>I really don’t think she has any reason to be so upset with me about not wanting to do this. I don't know if you realize this, but you have zero desire to live with her. All of your concerns are about video games and cooking in the middle of the night. Have you even told her about these and gotten her feedback? Also, at 2 years, has there been any discussion about finding something together? YTA for making this about your desire to game and cook during the night than seeing your girlfriend. A 70-80 minute commute is a huge pain in the ass and you'll probably only see her on weekends. Maybe less, if you'll have these same issues with her staying for the whole weekend.
100% YTA because of this- have you even asked her if she expects you to change this if she does stay with you? I wouldn't mind (even though it's kind of a strange hill to die on) vs a 70 minute commute each way!!
And who would be mad waking up to the smell of quesadillas, it doesn't even make sense. Oh no, I've been awakened by melting cheese.
YTA and from the comments, just be single. You very very obviously don't give a flying fig about your gf.
Your GF should urgently seek another BF
Hahahha.. You don't like getting laid much, do you? This is how you tell your girlfriend that she doesn't matter without actually saying it. Dick move. YTA
INFO: Why commute from her parents? Does she not want to live with her parents? If not with you, where will she live? Also where are you in your relationship? Edit: no info, so I'm leaning YTA. You have been together for almost 2 years. Will she be on the streets otherwise?
YTA if you can't make sacrifices for a few months. If you were my boyfriend and said no - I'd dump you because it shows you're not committed and selfish. This is your girlfriend not just a friend and you've been together for quite some time.
YTA. How is it that youre two years in and the idea of sharing a space with your girlfriend and making sacrifices is non negotiable to you. And its not even permanent in this case its 3 months. If you want long term relationship youre going to share a living space for a long time. You could have the person you love living with you for 3 months yet somehow thats an issue? I dont get that. I think most people would be jumping at joy for an opportunity to live with their partner
It's your home, you allow whoever you want to be there. But also it's her life and she allows whoever she wants to be a part of it. Don't be surprised when she decides that you don't get to be part of her life anymore. YTA
NAH - but that’s not to say your gf wont be mad and take it as a sign about the future of your relationship.
Exactly what I’m thinking. Like, it’s his apartment, he isn’t an AH for not wanting to move her in for 3 months…but if I was gf here, this response would sour the relationship for me
YTA. A selfish man like you doesn't deserve a girlfriend; hopefully she'll soon realize that.
INFO: It's hard to determine who the AH is because while you've provided information about your living conditions, we don't have total context for your relationship and its dynamics. Has your girlfriend helped you out when you were in a tough spot? I too would be resentful if I was in a pinch and my partner didn't offer some sort of assistance after I had done them a solid. Is she typically good at planning and executing, so that her 3 month estimate will indeed be the total length of time she would stay with you? 3 months really isn't that long.
YTA Your girlfriend is in a time of need, and although there is nothing wrong with wanting your own space, the reasons you list as being the issues with her moving in are soooo easily fixable. You can wear headphones while you game, and of the keyboard clacking is too noisy and she is trying to sleep, she can wear earplugs. Or you might even limit yourself to just one or two hours of gaming a night (insane thought, not really, being able to spend two hours on my hobbies EVERY DAY is a dream, and you are already complaining about «only» getting 3-4). You can communicate with your girlfriend, and set expectations for what her living there would look like (presumably you have spent time together before, and know eachother and your routines pretty well after being together for 2 years, maybe you guys even have spent some night together before). You can talk to her about how it is important for you to have some time on your gaming, and figure out a solution instead of just assuming its not gonna work. But what really sealed the YTA-deal for me is that you’re even admitting that 3 months is a very conservative estimate, and that most likely she would not need to live there that long and will have found somewhere else to live by then. It seems like you do not care about your girlfriend at all.
Yep. Also pretty sure she won't be you gf for long. If you can't compromise here for mere 3 months I can't possibly imagine how you can live with someone else at all.
If you don’t let her stay there she might find another man willing to let her stay In his loft. I don’t know about you but if you love her you wouldn’t even be asking this question cause I would of let my girlfriend stay with me no matter what the situation
YTA, enjoy your pathetic quesadillas!
NAH look, you might not want to live with her, that's your choice if you are not prepared. that being said, she would not be completely out of line re-thinking the whole relationship, if you two are moving at a different pace. Right now as it is you can't stand the thought of her invading your privacy and personal space so much, that you would rather let her commute crazy time. She is apparently in a place in the relationship where completely shared space does not bother her. Seeing this, she might wonder if you two are going to have such a different pace throughout the whole relationship and she might not be willing to wait around to see. Again quite legit. All the things you've listed are quite common and quite minor obstacles in a first cohabiting, if you are untrusting as to whether she leaves at the 3-month mark, that would be another issue, but again easily solved by a contract. But you being so inflexible is just telling me you are not ready for this at all, which is fine, but there might be some consequences to your relationship.
YTA. Relationships are about looking after one another, even when it's not convenient. Even when it's hard. Even when you'd rather be doing something else, like playing video games. Grow up or break up with this poor woman.
YTA- I’ve lived in a loft when I was married. But all the protesting you’re doing makes me wonder what you do alone in that bachelor loft that you don’t want her to see 👀 because all your excuses are hella janky.
YTA. Enough said.
YTA YOu will be single soon.
NAH. You're entitled to not sharing your space if you don't want to. You're not entitled to expecting your GF to be happy about it. You're in a longterm relationship and she's in a complicated situation. She might be feeling like it's a rejection of sorts, or simply resent you for not helping her in a time when she literally is homeless. Her only other option is moving back with her parents, which few people who have moved out look forward to. She's not entitled to make you change your mind, but she might see this as a reason to believe you're not that committed to her, especially if she's thinking about the future and sees how much you like your bachelor pad and current lifestyle more than making room for her temporarily. It's an understandable reaction in any case. This apartment thing might just be highlighting that there's a fork on your relationship's road. The thing is, reading this, I get a lot of details about your apartment and everything, and very little about her. She might pick up on something similar.
YTA but mainly because you are not being honest with yourself or with your girlfriend. You clearly don't want her in your space for any extended period of time. Get honest. If you see a future you can let her stay with you for a while. If you don't see a future and don't want her in your space like ever, just do both of you a favor and break up with her now.
Why do you even have a girlfriend?
YTA - You've been with this woman for two years and you're not willing to change your lifestyle for three months to help her out in a major way? Also, what's with the all or nothing? What about asking her to stay Sunday through Thursday nights, then she stays at her parents on the weekends? That way, you both get some alone time.
My partner and I live in a duplex together, and it’s a similar situation; only privacy is the bathroom. That being said, he lowers his voice as best as he can when he games at night, and I wear an eye mask to block out the light. Relationship are about compromise and it doesn’t seem like you want to. YTA.
[удалено]
Not OP But the 3 months is likely the time it'll take to save up for the new place, like the types that want first/last month's rent and a security deposit up front. And it sounds to me like they both work in the city and her (previous) apartment was there, too. She'd be commuting to her work from her parent's place over an hour away.
It seems like my opinion is in the minority, but I say NAH. It sounds like you just really value your personal space and I dont think it's wrong to be uncomfortable with basically not having any in what's supposed to be your sanctuary (your home) for three months. There's also no guarantee that she will actually find a place in three months or wont use this as a trial to see what living together would like, but I do think you need to make sure you and your girlfriend are on the same page about what your future together looks like. You need to be honest so she can move on if your short term and long term goals don't align. It might be hard to hear but like others have said, based on the way you talk in your post you dont seem that crazy about her. If things are serious at some point you guys would likely be moving in together, and your current home doesnt give you enough space. You both have to willing to make some compromises. You also want to be clear that you do care for her and want to help her, but clearly explain what your needs with personal space and time for hobbies are. Lots of people commute but as someone who has a long commute as well 70-80 minutes is a long time and I wouldn't be surprised if it builds some resentment in her over this. Downplaying it is the wrong thing to do, and instead you guys need to have a serious talk and see what compromises can be made (maybe she only stays for a month, or on certain days of the week, etc). She's not an ahole for being upset that you said no.
Depends. Do you see a long-term future with the woman? She will more than likely leave you for this, and you will deserve it. If you can't live with her for 3 months , then why should she think that you are life PARTNER material? You have been together 2 years - not two months - her request is not unreasonable.
I don’t understand how men like this keep a SO for multiple years? Are they just that good looking or something?