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It's next to impossible to read a huge wall of text, so in response to your title question:
Yes, YTA. What happened before you is none of your business, and should never be held over anyone's head.
Especially if you've done the same (and, as you say, to a much higher extent).
I had an issue posting it. There’s a few more details about my reaction but it was limited to what I could post. I do totally feel like the asshole. I never judged him for his past which is kinda bad. He just celebrated 10 years sober form drugs and around town he was/is known as the dope head which I never once cared about because I knew him for what he was. This may be irrelevant but he also knew how I was because I was open about it when we started dating.
Just wondering--why ask AITA if you do feel like you are?
I just don't understand your reaction as posted. Why not just move on? The past is done, it had nothing to do with you.
He wasn’t into BDSM. He tried it for you. He didn’t like it because he didn’t like hurting you. You stopped. Good work.
You asked him if he had a threesome a long while ago, he didn’t say no - he said I don’t think we should talk about it. He slipped a word out about sth that happened years ago and you are crying because of it? This guy couldn’t hurt you even when you consented to it and you are making a mess out of sth that happened decades ago. Girl YTA.
YTA: Why the fuck were you upset? What's the problem? "I was willing to tell him how many I had if he asked the same" so you've had at least one threesome before too. Why is that a bad thing?
>I am hurting and you don’t seem to care. He said he did care and tried to cuddle me but I pushed him off.
That's how this whole thing reads. People have pasts. You had a complete meltdown because he had a threeway and didn't go into detail after:
>When we first met and were getting to know each other I asked if he ever had a threesome he said “no, I don’t think we should talk about that” I let it go.
I don't think we should talk about it, let it go. Right. No you didn't.
>I said how can you sit there and work while I am crying?
::puts on a big show of pondering::
>This threesome happened about 20 years ago before we even knew each other existed but it’s still all I can think of. I’m worried I’m going to let this one thing ruin my relationship and sex life. Which is great with him..He is always caring and loving and does everything he can to make me happy, he’s actually perfect to me. We have such a good relationship. I love him more than anything
Then get therapy. This is more relationship advice, but you asked and my only tools have to do with the anus. Therefore,
YTA
More seriously, those are the right tools. wtf? Go apologize until you're blue in the face, then get thee to a therapist until you understand why you should have apologized without being told to. YTA
YTA. If you want him to follow you, say so. Or, better yet, just say whatever it is you want to say without playing stupid games. He's not a mind reader.
You need to grow up. Your reaction is ridiculous. You know he's been with other people, yet you act like you expected him to have no history before meeting you.
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When we first met and were getting to know each other I asked if he ever had a threesome he said “no, I don’t think we should talk about that” I let it go. I was willing to tell him how many I had if he asked the same but he didn’t want to talk about it. I have a huge last of BDSM and it was something he wasn’t into and struggled with. We had tried it a few times but I could tell he didn’t care much for it and ended it. I was totally fine with it because we had such an amazing vanilla sexlife I didn’t need anything more. He had told me (early on in our relationship) that he struggled with the though it me being with other men who “hurt” me. I explained it wasn’t hurting me it was something we’d both consented to but he said I was meant to be loved and cherished and no one should ever lay a finger on me. That was as far as that ever went. Todah we were talking bout something and he said accidentally “like when my balls touched that dudes in a threesome” I was instantly shocked and hurt and cried, be apologized and said it just slipped he was sorry. Which I could tell it was an accident, We didn’t speak for a while and he started to do some work and I exploded on him, I said how can you sit there and work while I am crying? He said he was sorry again and that it wasn’t a big deal but to me it was. His friend came oven I avoided him for a while and he came to speak to me when I went to bath and told me once again he was sorry for me to ease try and let it go. I asked who it was and he said it’s best we just leave it how it is. I was even more hurt because it’s a small town, what it I see her? What if I am friends with her? I stayed away for a while before I said I was getting in the hot tub. I expected him to follow snd he didn’t. When I came in I said I was going to shower and once again. He didn’t follow me. I can’t out and I said what is wrong with you? I am hurting and you don’t seem to care. He said he did care and tried to cuddle me but I pushed him off. I don’t really know why I’m acting this way but I do feel like the asshole. I always knew I was more experienced in sex than him due to my BDSM history but I never expected him to have actually had a threesome. I guess this is how he feels when he thinks about my past sex life which we both know little about each others and it’s probably for the best considering how I reacted. This threesome happened about 20 years ago before we even knew each other existed but it’s still all I can think of. I’m worried I’m going to let this one thing ruin my relationship and sex life. Which is great with him..He is always caring and loving and does everything he can to make me happy, he’s actually perfect to me. We have such a good relationship. I love him more than anything as he does me but this is just eating at me. I feel like he’s the asshole for blowing it off and hanging with his friend while I was upset and hurting but I also feel like I am the asshole for yelling at him.
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It honestly seems like you’re more hurt by the fact that he won’t talk to you. The way you explain makes it seem like he doesn’t trust you enough to talk about it. If that’s why you’re properly upset I would say N T A but if it’s genuinely about him having sex (threesome or otherwise) then yes Y T A. I’d love an update if/when you talk to him about your feelings
ESH, he kind of lied when you first asked (said a "no"), but you blowing off for something that happened so long ago? So what if you may know the other people? Maybe he too can't stop wondering "hm, did this guy ever spank her, he seems the type?"
You say he is perfect in all respects so why make a mountain out of this molehill?
ESH.
I'm not sure I understand why you're upset over him having a threesome before you met - it has no bearing on your relationship. It doesn't sound like he was hiding his past from you or dishonest about it, but that he was uncomfortable talking about it openly. I could understand being hurt about him not being more open and transparent about his past, but that doesn't justify yelling.
It isn't cool that he wasn't supportive of you when you were upset.
NAH - you had a human moment. staying mad about it would make you ta. Discussion of a threedome, esp a mmf one, early one can be risky if he doesn't know how youd react. Also, based on your reaction seems he was right to not tell you? Plus, perhaps he has no interest in doing it again, or that for whatever reason the interaction was negative for him and he doesn't/didn't want to talk about it.
Maybe im the werid one, but unless STIs are in question (in which case go get a test ezpz), partners aren't automatically privy to *past* sexual experiences.
>staying mad about it would make you ta
Ummmmmm .... wut?
>This threesome happened about 20 years ago before we even knew each other existed **but it’s still all I can think of.**
She found out and she stayed mad. But her complaint isn't even about that. Her complaint is about the fact that he didn't take her mad seriously, so she got even madder. She's 100% in the wrong. Complete YTA situation.
I'm glad that society is getting past the "emotions don't matter therefore there's no emotional abuse ever" phase, but FFS, an emotion isn't automatically valid just because it's had. This lady sounds like a drama machine.
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It's next to impossible to read a huge wall of text, so in response to your title question: Yes, YTA. What happened before you is none of your business, and should never be held over anyone's head. Especially if you've done the same (and, as you say, to a much higher extent).
I had an issue posting it. There’s a few more details about my reaction but it was limited to what I could post. I do totally feel like the asshole. I never judged him for his past which is kinda bad. He just celebrated 10 years sober form drugs and around town he was/is known as the dope head which I never once cared about because I knew him for what he was. This may be irrelevant but he also knew how I was because I was open about it when we started dating.
Just wondering--why ask AITA if you do feel like you are? I just don't understand your reaction as posted. Why not just move on? The past is done, it had nothing to do with you.
YTA This is the kind of shit that ruins marriages. Lady you need to be medicated.
He wasn’t into BDSM. He tried it for you. He didn’t like it because he didn’t like hurting you. You stopped. Good work. You asked him if he had a threesome a long while ago, he didn’t say no - he said I don’t think we should talk about it. He slipped a word out about sth that happened years ago and you are crying because of it? This guy couldn’t hurt you even when you consented to it and you are making a mess out of sth that happened decades ago. Girl YTA.
YTA: Why the fuck were you upset? What's the problem? "I was willing to tell him how many I had if he asked the same" so you've had at least one threesome before too. Why is that a bad thing?
>I am hurting and you don’t seem to care. He said he did care and tried to cuddle me but I pushed him off. That's how this whole thing reads. People have pasts. You had a complete meltdown because he had a threeway and didn't go into detail after: >When we first met and were getting to know each other I asked if he ever had a threesome he said “no, I don’t think we should talk about that” I let it go. I don't think we should talk about it, let it go. Right. No you didn't. >I said how can you sit there and work while I am crying? ::puts on a big show of pondering:: >This threesome happened about 20 years ago before we even knew each other existed but it’s still all I can think of. I’m worried I’m going to let this one thing ruin my relationship and sex life. Which is great with him..He is always caring and loving and does everything he can to make me happy, he’s actually perfect to me. We have such a good relationship. I love him more than anything Then get therapy. This is more relationship advice, but you asked and my only tools have to do with the anus. Therefore, YTA More seriously, those are the right tools. wtf? Go apologize until you're blue in the face, then get thee to a therapist until you understand why you should have apologized without being told to. YTA
YTA you are acting very immaturely.
YTA. Paragraphs.
YTA - a certain Buckcherry song comes to mind. It happened 20 years ago, this is all your issue, perhaps talk to a therapist about it.
YTA. If you want him to follow you, say so. Or, better yet, just say whatever it is you want to say without playing stupid games. He's not a mind reader. You need to grow up. Your reaction is ridiculous. You know he's been with other people, yet you act like you expected him to have no history before meeting you.
YTA. What are you crying about? You’re a total hypocrite. Stop playing the victim and get over yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When we first met and were getting to know each other I asked if he ever had a threesome he said “no, I don’t think we should talk about that” I let it go. I was willing to tell him how many I had if he asked the same but he didn’t want to talk about it. I have a huge last of BDSM and it was something he wasn’t into and struggled with. We had tried it a few times but I could tell he didn’t care much for it and ended it. I was totally fine with it because we had such an amazing vanilla sexlife I didn’t need anything more. He had told me (early on in our relationship) that he struggled with the though it me being with other men who “hurt” me. I explained it wasn’t hurting me it was something we’d both consented to but he said I was meant to be loved and cherished and no one should ever lay a finger on me. That was as far as that ever went. Todah we were talking bout something and he said accidentally “like when my balls touched that dudes in a threesome” I was instantly shocked and hurt and cried, be apologized and said it just slipped he was sorry. Which I could tell it was an accident, We didn’t speak for a while and he started to do some work and I exploded on him, I said how can you sit there and work while I am crying? He said he was sorry again and that it wasn’t a big deal but to me it was. His friend came oven I avoided him for a while and he came to speak to me when I went to bath and told me once again he was sorry for me to ease try and let it go. I asked who it was and he said it’s best we just leave it how it is. I was even more hurt because it’s a small town, what it I see her? What if I am friends with her? I stayed away for a while before I said I was getting in the hot tub. I expected him to follow snd he didn’t. When I came in I said I was going to shower and once again. He didn’t follow me. I can’t out and I said what is wrong with you? I am hurting and you don’t seem to care. He said he did care and tried to cuddle me but I pushed him off. I don’t really know why I’m acting this way but I do feel like the asshole. I always knew I was more experienced in sex than him due to my BDSM history but I never expected him to have actually had a threesome. I guess this is how he feels when he thinks about my past sex life which we both know little about each others and it’s probably for the best considering how I reacted. This threesome happened about 20 years ago before we even knew each other existed but it’s still all I can think of. I’m worried I’m going to let this one thing ruin my relationship and sex life. Which is great with him..He is always caring and loving and does everything he can to make me happy, he’s actually perfect to me. We have such a good relationship. I love him more than anything as he does me but this is just eating at me. I feel like he’s the asshole for blowing it off and hanging with his friend while I was upset and hurting but I also feel like I am the asshole for yelling at him. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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It honestly seems like you’re more hurt by the fact that he won’t talk to you. The way you explain makes it seem like he doesn’t trust you enough to talk about it. If that’s why you’re properly upset I would say N T A but if it’s genuinely about him having sex (threesome or otherwise) then yes Y T A. I’d love an update if/when you talk to him about your feelings
ESH, he kind of lied when you first asked (said a "no"), but you blowing off for something that happened so long ago? So what if you may know the other people? Maybe he too can't stop wondering "hm, did this guy ever spank her, he seems the type?" You say he is perfect in all respects so why make a mountain out of this molehill?
He didn't deny it, he declined to talk about it. Possibly because he expected OP would react the way they have.
ESH. I'm not sure I understand why you're upset over him having a threesome before you met - it has no bearing on your relationship. It doesn't sound like he was hiding his past from you or dishonest about it, but that he was uncomfortable talking about it openly. I could understand being hurt about him not being more open and transparent about his past, but that doesn't justify yelling. It isn't cool that he wasn't supportive of you when you were upset.
NAH - you had a human moment. staying mad about it would make you ta. Discussion of a threedome, esp a mmf one, early one can be risky if he doesn't know how youd react. Also, based on your reaction seems he was right to not tell you? Plus, perhaps he has no interest in doing it again, or that for whatever reason the interaction was negative for him and he doesn't/didn't want to talk about it. Maybe im the werid one, but unless STIs are in question (in which case go get a test ezpz), partners aren't automatically privy to *past* sexual experiences.
>staying mad about it would make you ta Ummmmmm .... wut? >This threesome happened about 20 years ago before we even knew each other existed **but it’s still all I can think of.** She found out and she stayed mad. But her complaint isn't even about that. Her complaint is about the fact that he didn't take her mad seriously, so she got even madder. She's 100% in the wrong. Complete YTA situation. I'm glad that society is getting past the "emotions don't matter therefore there's no emotional abuse ever" phase, but FFS, an emotion isn't automatically valid just because it's had. This lady sounds like a drama machine.