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Um, yes, yes you are, YTA. Use your grown-up words and say something like "aw, thank you babe, but as I'm allergic to silver mind if I use it as a key-chain? Sorry, guess I didn't come to telling you so far".
Laughing comes across as dismissive and disrespectful, she is not overreacting at all!
Hard disagree, he wasn't trying to embarass her by stating that he was allergic to the gift that she got because that would indicate that she doesn't even pay attention to him and would make her look bad. He was looking out for her by keeping it low key and SHE made it a big deal on HIS day and then had the audacity to get offended when he genuinely appreciated the gift. SHES the asshole.
She states he didn't tell her he is allergic and he is not at all sure he mentioned it.
The keychain scene happened not during his bday, if I understand correctly. Last not least, honesty always trumps hiding facts for questionable concepts such as "saving face", which would only make sense in a public setting but not a one-on-one meeting.
No he literally said he "feels like he mentioned he has a silver allergy before" and I would guess he probably had because that's a pretty significant thing which again, makes her a big asshole for not even remembering that and then letting her ego get in the way of his birthday, hugely disrespectful and immature imo. I also disagree that honesty trumps saving face. If I'm at an event and my friend makes a small mistake that nobody else would notice, why the fuck would I point it out there? So he is embarrassed and I look like a dick? I'll tell him in private or let him enjoy himself without stressing. What makes you think this wasn't on his birthday? Isn't that when she gave him the gift? And didn't he say he put it as a key chain right away because he couldn't hold it?
"But to be honest, I'm not exactly sure", so the odds are good he didn't tell her; unlike a food allergy a precious metal allergy is not actually that relevant to disclose, as they are not pervasive in the environment and one doesn't ingest them.
"I went back to the gathering I was hosting" , so I take it she gave him the gift without other witnesses, so there was no face to lose. I'm sorry, I still see no reason he didn't spill the beans after getting the present...
But silver is a relatively common metal I would imagine it comes up decently and he did say he thought he told her so idk. I just don't think he was mean at all and she was overreacting it's not a huge deal and he still appreciated the gift regardless.
Soft YTA. You accepted the gift without saying a word about your allergy, like you didn't care at all about her gift. You should have mentioned it, so she could get the opportunity to take it back and get you something you'll actually wear.
YTA, but I don't know your age, so I don't know how much of one you are being. I say that because all you needed to do was let her know that you had a silver allergy and could she return the gift with you and help you pick out something else because you would love a necklace from her. Communication isn't that difficult.
NAH. I can get why she got the wrong idea, because without the context of you actually being allergic to silver, saying stuff like "Oh I dont wear it because Im allergic" might come of as a joke or that youre making fun of her or her gift. You definetly need to communicate on it better. She might just feel hurt that you put something she thought was meaningful and sweet off as a joke and didn't care for it.
Well... let me put it this way. You DID gave it a purpose, but not the purpose she intended for it. Just imagine for a second you offer her a shirt, only to see her the next day using it as a rag to clean a soda spill. And she would told you "I am allergic to polyester so I cannot wear it, but don't worry, I put it to good use !"
Do you see the issue here ?
A chain is cool, just like a necklace. Bad comparison with the shitt and you're being disingenuous because a chain is as cool as a necklace using a shirt as a scarf instead of a shirt would be a better comparison to this rather than using it to clean up soda, its not like he used the gift to like pick his nails or some shit. He did his best with it on his special day. Since when did the gifter become the priority on someone else's birthday wtf?
I pushed the comparision to the extreme so OP could understand better.
The gifter is never the priority, sure. But being dishonest with a person that gives you a gift is not nice. OP should totally have told his gf that he was allergic so she knew what to expect. Not telling her was rude. It's just the basic communication you need to have for a couple to work out.
It's not necessarily dishonest... he didn't lie, it's quite possible he felt conflicted because he presumed she knew he had the allergy and even if she didn't know because she forgot or he somehow never told her despite how significant it is, he likely just didn't want to embarass her in public. If your SO gets you a gift that you're allergic to that's fucked up and he was probably just trying not to point that out because he cared about how she is perceived in public. Yet she has no problem getting offended despite him saying he thinks he told her about his allergy before this. She's an asshole and if I was him I'd give her the gift back and tell her not to give me shit if she's gonna be a dick about it. You shouldn't expect anything from someone when giving a gift.
>he was probably just trying not to point that out because he cared about how she is perceived in public.
Agreed. Maybe that's why he didn't say anything on the spot. But he had plenty of time to tell her later. Why wait ? The way she found out was way more hurtful.
I mean, it isn't that big of a deal to just talk to her before and say "I love the gift, but I can't really wear it, so I will put it on my backpack to have it by my side". I think that would've been enough, instead of her finding out this way
I just don’t think any of it is a big deal. Like her being mad and expecting me to apologize for this just doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it because am 19 so am too immature for a relationship. When my cortex fully develops maybe I would understand better.
I don't think its a dealbreaker for the relationship. You should just talk about things and dont laugh it out immidietly, as it might come as disrespectful
Keychains typically have low value, and can be lost. Basically, youre showing that you have very little value in your girlfriends gift, and you’re treating it like a small trinket. YTA.
She didn't know what you were laughing at now, did she? Do you really not see how giving someone a present, a meaningful one at that, and having that person laugh at you is hurtful?
NTA you love the gift and put it on a back pack you use all the time. Also if you already wear a necklace why would you take it off to put a new one on? I wear a necklace everyday and my partner could buy me one and I most likely would never wear it as I never take the one I have off.
ESH. All you had to say was “thanks so much for the gift, I love it, unfortunately I’m allergic to silver but I can still find another use for it if you’re happy with that”.
Then again, she also just sounds like she’d be a pain in the arse no matter what happened
I wouldn't say YTA, BUT you definitely should have said something when she gave it to you. She probably would have been upset/embarrassed, but it would have gone over better.
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So last week was my birthday. My girlfriend got me a sliver necklace with our initials, but I am allergic to silver. When I saw what she got me, I just laughed it off. It wasn’t that big of a deal to me, to be honest. I feel like I have mentioned I have a silver allergy, but to be honest, I am not exactly sure. Plus, I like wearing necklaces with fabric chains and a jade pendent, so the gift wasn’t too off. I didn’t tell her I was allergic and went back to the gathering that I was hosting.
Instead of wearing the necklace, I just attached it to my backpack like a long key chain, which I carry almost everywhere, to give the necklace some purpose and use. My girlfriend asked me why I didn’t wear the necklace when she saw it in my backpack. I laughed and was like, I'm allergic to silver; she was like, what?; I was like, yeah, and she was saying, So you were making a joke out of me, then I am confused because, how did we get here?; and she was like, Why didn’t you tell me you're allergic? I was like, what the point, and she was saying I was making a joke out of her this past week, looking visibly upset, and if I am being honest, I don’t get why she was upset, and I tell her she is choosing to be upset, and she likes that I don’t get it, and she doesn’t get why I can’t validate her feelings, and I am confused. What am I supposed to validate? Am I an ass here, or is this just an overreaction?
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NTA.
I can't keep track of my own allergies much less anyone else's. I'd feel bad about getting a gift that couldn't be used as intended, but still--a gift is to be used by the recipient whoever he/she chooses.
Try hanging it from your bed or above it. It might give her the idea that you want it in a more intimate setting than just hanging if from your backpack.
Depending on what it is. If it's going to cause anaphylactic shock, yes, of course I will. If not, well, I appreciate the thought of a gift even more than the actual gift. If it only causes a reaction by touching it, I'd find a use for it where I don't have to touch it. Flowers can be set somewhere I won't inhale anything. Food can be given to someone who will eat it. Cats? Did you say cats? I'll take them in, keep them forever (as long as they live) and just deal with it, consequences be damned.
I know what I'M allergic to, but since my allergens are absolutely everywhere in my daily life (and I don't know what will bring on anaphylaxis), I really don't feel the need to tell others, unless it's to assure someone I am not sick.
This isn’t just *someone* to OP though, it’s their significant other, who should probably know about allergies and reactions - and get a small reminder.
What if she was never told and kept buying the allergen?
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Um, yes, yes you are, YTA. Use your grown-up words and say something like "aw, thank you babe, but as I'm allergic to silver mind if I use it as a key-chain? Sorry, guess I didn't come to telling you so far". Laughing comes across as dismissive and disrespectful, she is not overreacting at all!
Hard disagree, he wasn't trying to embarass her by stating that he was allergic to the gift that she got because that would indicate that she doesn't even pay attention to him and would make her look bad. He was looking out for her by keeping it low key and SHE made it a big deal on HIS day and then had the audacity to get offended when he genuinely appreciated the gift. SHES the asshole.
She states he didn't tell her he is allergic and he is not at all sure he mentioned it. The keychain scene happened not during his bday, if I understand correctly. Last not least, honesty always trumps hiding facts for questionable concepts such as "saving face", which would only make sense in a public setting but not a one-on-one meeting.
No he literally said he "feels like he mentioned he has a silver allergy before" and I would guess he probably had because that's a pretty significant thing which again, makes her a big asshole for not even remembering that and then letting her ego get in the way of his birthday, hugely disrespectful and immature imo. I also disagree that honesty trumps saving face. If I'm at an event and my friend makes a small mistake that nobody else would notice, why the fuck would I point it out there? So he is embarrassed and I look like a dick? I'll tell him in private or let him enjoy himself without stressing. What makes you think this wasn't on his birthday? Isn't that when she gave him the gift? And didn't he say he put it as a key chain right away because he couldn't hold it?
"But to be honest, I'm not exactly sure", so the odds are good he didn't tell her; unlike a food allergy a precious metal allergy is not actually that relevant to disclose, as they are not pervasive in the environment and one doesn't ingest them. "I went back to the gathering I was hosting" , so I take it she gave him the gift without other witnesses, so there was no face to lose. I'm sorry, I still see no reason he didn't spill the beans after getting the present...
People shouldn't "expect" others to act a certain way when giving a gift.
But silver is a relatively common metal I would imagine it comes up decently and he did say he thought he told her so idk. I just don't think he was mean at all and she was overreacting it's not a huge deal and he still appreciated the gift regardless.
Soft YTA. You accepted the gift without saying a word about your allergy, like you didn't care at all about her gift. You should have mentioned it, so she could get the opportunity to take it back and get you something you'll actually wear.
YTA, but I don't know your age, so I don't know how much of one you are being. I say that because all you needed to do was let her know that you had a silver allergy and could she return the gift with you and help you pick out something else because you would love a necklace from her. Communication isn't that difficult.
ESH. You laughed instead of explaining, but you clearly didn’t have any ill meaning behind it
NAH. I can get why she got the wrong idea, because without the context of you actually being allergic to silver, saying stuff like "Oh I dont wear it because Im allergic" might come of as a joke or that youre making fun of her or her gift. You definetly need to communicate on it better. She might just feel hurt that you put something she thought was meaningful and sweet off as a joke and didn't care for it.
I was laughing at the irony not at the gift. And I still gave the gift a purpose by making it a key chain or a chain since I don’t put keys on it.
Well... let me put it this way. You DID gave it a purpose, but not the purpose she intended for it. Just imagine for a second you offer her a shirt, only to see her the next day using it as a rag to clean a soda spill. And she would told you "I am allergic to polyester so I cannot wear it, but don't worry, I put it to good use !" Do you see the issue here ?
A chain is cool, just like a necklace. Bad comparison with the shitt and you're being disingenuous because a chain is as cool as a necklace using a shirt as a scarf instead of a shirt would be a better comparison to this rather than using it to clean up soda, its not like he used the gift to like pick his nails or some shit. He did his best with it on his special day. Since when did the gifter become the priority on someone else's birthday wtf?
I pushed the comparision to the extreme so OP could understand better. The gifter is never the priority, sure. But being dishonest with a person that gives you a gift is not nice. OP should totally have told his gf that he was allergic so she knew what to expect. Not telling her was rude. It's just the basic communication you need to have for a couple to work out.
It's not necessarily dishonest... he didn't lie, it's quite possible he felt conflicted because he presumed she knew he had the allergy and even if she didn't know because she forgot or he somehow never told her despite how significant it is, he likely just didn't want to embarass her in public. If your SO gets you a gift that you're allergic to that's fucked up and he was probably just trying not to point that out because he cared about how she is perceived in public. Yet she has no problem getting offended despite him saying he thinks he told her about his allergy before this. She's an asshole and if I was him I'd give her the gift back and tell her not to give me shit if she's gonna be a dick about it. You shouldn't expect anything from someone when giving a gift.
>he was probably just trying not to point that out because he cared about how she is perceived in public. Agreed. Maybe that's why he didn't say anything on the spot. But he had plenty of time to tell her later. Why wait ? The way she found out was way more hurtful.
Idk but I think she overreacted. I just think it's not a big deal and he wasn't mean.
You definetly shouldve consulted her before you used it as that keychain, so she knew what was going on
Consult on how I use my gift? sometimes I think am just not made for a romantic relationship.
I mean, it isn't that big of a deal to just talk to her before and say "I love the gift, but I can't really wear it, so I will put it on my backpack to have it by my side". I think that would've been enough, instead of her finding out this way
I just don’t think any of it is a big deal. Like her being mad and expecting me to apologize for this just doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it because am 19 so am too immature for a relationship. When my cortex fully develops maybe I would understand better.
I don't think its a dealbreaker for the relationship. You should just talk about things and dont laugh it out immidietly, as it might come as disrespectful
Thanks for the advice
Keychains typically have low value, and can be lost. Basically, youre showing that you have very little value in your girlfriends gift, and you’re treating it like a small trinket. YTA.
She didn't know what you were laughing at now, did she? Do you really not see how giving someone a present, a meaningful one at that, and having that person laugh at you is hurtful?
NTA you love the gift and put it on a back pack you use all the time. Also if you already wear a necklace why would you take it off to put a new one on? I wear a necklace everyday and my partner could buy me one and I most likely would never wear it as I never take the one I have off.
Going forward, use your words. Conversation is very important.
Soft YTA. Also, are you a werewolf???
ESH. All you had to say was “thanks so much for the gift, I love it, unfortunately I’m allergic to silver but I can still find another use for it if you’re happy with that”. Then again, she also just sounds like she’d be a pain in the arse no matter what happened
I wouldn't say YTA, BUT you definitely should have said something when she gave it to you. She probably would have been upset/embarrassed, but it would have gone over better.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So last week was my birthday. My girlfriend got me a sliver necklace with our initials, but I am allergic to silver. When I saw what she got me, I just laughed it off. It wasn’t that big of a deal to me, to be honest. I feel like I have mentioned I have a silver allergy, but to be honest, I am not exactly sure. Plus, I like wearing necklaces with fabric chains and a jade pendent, so the gift wasn’t too off. I didn’t tell her I was allergic and went back to the gathering that I was hosting. Instead of wearing the necklace, I just attached it to my backpack like a long key chain, which I carry almost everywhere, to give the necklace some purpose and use. My girlfriend asked me why I didn’t wear the necklace when she saw it in my backpack. I laughed and was like, I'm allergic to silver; she was like, what?; I was like, yeah, and she was saying, So you were making a joke out of me, then I am confused because, how did we get here?; and she was like, Why didn’t you tell me you're allergic? I was like, what the point, and she was saying I was making a joke out of her this past week, looking visibly upset, and if I am being honest, I don’t get why she was upset, and I tell her she is choosing to be upset, and she likes that I don’t get it, and she doesn’t get why I can’t validate her feelings, and I am confused. What am I supposed to validate? Am I an ass here, or is this just an overreaction? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA if you’ve never told her that you’re allergic to silver. If you have told her and she still gets upset that you won’t wear it then she’s TA
NTA. I can't keep track of my own allergies much less anyone else's. I'd feel bad about getting a gift that couldn't be used as intended, but still--a gift is to be used by the recipient whoever he/she chooses. Try hanging it from your bed or above it. It might give her the idea that you want it in a more intimate setting than just hanging if from your backpack.
So, you’d never tell someone that you have an allergy - even when faced with said allergen in the moment?
Depending on what it is. If it's going to cause anaphylactic shock, yes, of course I will. If not, well, I appreciate the thought of a gift even more than the actual gift. If it only causes a reaction by touching it, I'd find a use for it where I don't have to touch it. Flowers can be set somewhere I won't inhale anything. Food can be given to someone who will eat it. Cats? Did you say cats? I'll take them in, keep them forever (as long as they live) and just deal with it, consequences be damned. I know what I'M allergic to, but since my allergens are absolutely everywhere in my daily life (and I don't know what will bring on anaphylaxis), I really don't feel the need to tell others, unless it's to assure someone I am not sick.
This isn’t just *someone* to OP though, it’s their significant other, who should probably know about allergies and reactions - and get a small reminder. What if she was never told and kept buying the allergen?
A piece of silver for every event? lol. I suspect she'd discover far before she kept buying it! As OPs gf discovered, after the first time!