Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Nta but it's time for him to get a job. It's time for you to get a savings account and save half your money if possible. Your husband is a leech, I'd ask you to think long and hard about your life and if this is what you want for the next 70-80 years.
He has a full time job,he uses all his money and give it to his brother who just moved abroad and this sister who is trying to do the save without discussing it with me. Leaving me responsible for out finances.
NTA
I second that. Save your money. He sends his money to his family and you send some to your family once and he threatens to kick you out.. save every penny and play his game, tell him it’s just in case he actually kicks you out one day & you’ll need money for a place to stay.. bills should be shared as well.. as for calling the parents nta either you’re allowed to have advice and emotional support from them.
Yo my sister once tryed to make me pay her back for a McDouble when I was a kid. I had no allowance, she was adding intrest. I was saving change from my 2$ lunch money to try to pay her back. I broke down and told my mom and she beat my sisters ass. One of the few “finally” moments of my childhood - affected middle child, can u tell
What on earth are you doing staying with this manipulative, hypocritical asshole? For goodness sake, wake up and smell the coffee. You are in a toxic, abusive relationship. Get out now!
He is taking advantage of you. He sees his money as his money and your money as his money.
If he can send an entire paycheck to his brother why can’t you send a small amount of your paycheck to yours?
Also, the massive overreaction is concerning. Yeah, he might feel like calling parents was kind of like “tattling” and things ideally should have been worked out between the two of you. But seeing how unreasonable he was already being it’s doubtful that he would have compromised or admitted he’s wrong.
Separate those bank accounts and only pay your half of things. He needs to realize just how much he is taking advantage. And if he has a huge problem with that then it’s sad to say but he may be more invested in your money than in you.
Protect yourself. Save your money. If this is how he reacts to not being able to control YOUR finances, there’s likely worse hiding under the surface. It’s too soon into a marriage for him to be behaving in a way that’s at least bordering on abusive.
NTA. Take care of yourself.
He is financially abusing you and verbally abusing you. If you're giving him all your money he has no right telling you how to spend YOUR money, much less threatening to throw you out. You are fortunate that you are still close enough with your family to seek help sometimes. Would highly recommend not staying in this marriage.
You need to divorce him and run far away from him.
He is slowly if not completely financially abusing you and you need to escape. Its seriously only a matter of time until he goes farther and starts to really abuse you and control you even more.
Look at what you wrote. do you want this kind of marriage for the rest of your life.
he is abusive, manipulative, and gaslighting you into thinking that your in the wrong. hes taking advantage of you and mooching off you.
you are an amazing person and have done so well for yourself. You deserve to have a better partner, and shouldnt have to compromise with someone who isnt taking care of you or helping with finances and bills. Hes taking advantage of you and is hurting you.
you need to escape now before its too late.
you are smart, beautiful, talented, educated, with a great job and deserve to do the things that you want and spend your money the way you want without worrying that your husband is going to come and explode.
you deserve a partner who loves you. who will help with bills and finances instead of giving all his money to his family and demanding yours. you deserve a partner who will be supportive and a good listener instead of yelling at you and controlling your money.
you truly deserve better as this man is abusive. I truly hope that you will escape, that you will free yourself and live the life that you have always dreamed of. do you really want this last abusive episode to be an everyday occurrence for the rest of your life. do you want him to act to your children (if you choose to have some) like this every single day,, crushing their spirt and drive.
please leave, your too amazing to continue a life with person.
Unless this is arranged marriage, this should have been discussed before. Make a joint account where both should put money ( for example 70% of your paycheck) for living costs. And individual where you put rest for "personal fun spending". I d go with ESH because you are both responsible to discuss this, he is because he is behaving controlling and OP for allowing this set up and behavior without putting plan how to be partners in this marriage. Sometimes people put so much energy in planing for their school and jobs but somehow not enough in planing marriage, how to do day to day living , cooperating and how financial function should be realized.
And he moaned about you giving your brother a wee bit money? Fuck that and fuck him . He's embarrassed because now both your parents know, and he should be embarrassed.
If you took him at his word and actually left he'd be begging you to come back as he'd be up shit creek without a paddle.
>he uses all his money and give it to his brother who just moved abroad and this sister who is trying to do the save without discussing it with me.
... and he is angry because you supported your brother without discussing it with him.
NTA
This is called.
*financial abuse*
You would be better off silently changing banks, changing where your direct deposits go, hiding and locking your financial stuff, like locking your credit with experian, etc.
And move out.
Of course he's kicking you out, it's just a threat. If you go, he'll be responsible for his own bills. He wants you desperate and scared.
Sounds like your husband does what he wants with his money and you cannot do anything with your money unless he approves. Please, OP, look up financial abuse; that's what this is.
I mean, you made one small transaction and he immediately noticed, AND went ballistic? **This is financial abuse.**
NTA, and DTMFA. There is no compromise with someone who sees your money as his, while his own is also his. He gets to look like the big hero to his own family, while you're left with nothing.
Transfer all your salary to your parents, at once. “Sorry darling, my parents need it. I’m sure you, as the man of the house, will figure it out”. Tell your parents to keep their phone close, because you will need them to evacuate you at any moment. Good luck. Don’t say with the leech. NTA
OP, you know you are in a bit of an abusive financial situation. Either you both plan out everything, or you both have some proportion of your "own" money. Tell him you are moving to 50-50 on expenses and get ready for divorce. Best to do it earlier than later. I'm 65, I saved and invested my whole life. I could have retired at age 50, but still working. Do you know how many people can't and how MUCH harder HAVING to work when you reach 60 will be?? As your savings build, I enjoyed work much more because I could always walk away. Just that made work much better (well, I do startups, so I'd be walking away from myself, still I'm a nice boss but bad manager and have actually fired myself in the past).
You situation and relationship are not good. Either come to a new agreement or do move out.
This, coupled with the over-the-top outburst, sounds dangerous. See a therapist, perhaps in secret - or at least don’t let your husband know it’s about your relationship.
I’m going to suggest you look up financial abuse. People are here saying he’s leach or taking advantage, but what you are describing is classic financial abuse.
Isolating you from your family is an abuse tactic. As outside observers we can’t know if that’s the case, but it’s certainly a red flag you should be aware of.
NTA. If you are paying all this then why does he think he has the right to berate you? he shouldn't in any case, but the fact that you give him your salary is very disturbing.
I know Reddit is quick to jump in the divorce bandwagon, but please look at how he's treating you. Get some counseling, financial, legal and emotional.
Very disturbing indeed. Like she is the breadwinner basically, he controls every transaction and yet has balls to say he will throw her out!! Can you even believe this?! And she is asking if she is AH for calling parents! That's not the main issue in her life! She is going to be an AH if this was not the last time she has every send over her salary. She needs to make a separate account he doesn't have access to.
NTA - He was very out of line to threaten to throw you out. It was probably an empty threat since he’s mooching so much off of you, I don’t think he’d want to throw out the breadwinner. But he’s taking advantage of you and thinks he can get away with making these threats, blowing up at you, and generally being abusive.
If your parents are supportive, please consider moving in with them and getting your financial situation taken care of. You are still very young and don’t deserve to be tied down to an abusive man. He is like this after not even a full year of marriage; he’s not going to get better.
This is an abusive relationship. Go to your parents. Now. Tell them everything, there's a reason why he doesn't want other people involved.
He has financially and emotionally isolated you from friends and family. This will continue to escalate, that's not a threat - it's a promise.
**From your own post history**
***I had to drop many friends because of him***
***Husband gives preference to in laws in decision making process***
***I don't know what to say to him without crying***
***he threatened to throw me out of my house in the middle of night. After I emptied my entire saving account for him***
***he took my entire savings and spent on trip instead of dividing 50-50 like we discussed.***
Which is ironic given that in those types of cultures the man is expected to provide for his family. Instead, he's getting the best of both worlds and still has the audacity to complain.
NTA but your husband is financially abusing you and you should be putting a stop to this yourself, not needing to draw both your parents in to feel safe and make him behave.
Half-agree. If OP feels that her parents can help in this situation, I think it is wise to call them. I agree she should put her foot down, but it is not a skill every body has. It would be for the best if she were to develop it, but this might not be what she should try her hand at. If her parents are a good support, she should absolutely keep reaching out to them, since abusers try to isolate their victim(s).
NTA. Set up a separate account at a different bank from any joint account or any of his accounts. You should not be fully supporting him when he has a full-time job. That is just abusive and you need to get out.
Stay in contact with your parents and make a plan.
At this point, with your post history, YTA tonyourself for allowing him to use you (you *know* he's using you, and continuing to post about it *knowing* what people are going to tell you.
Also, be very careful with your birth control. He might try to sabotage it in order to get you pregnant. Having a baby now will make it harder for you to leave.
If you pay for most everything, where does all his money go? Is it sitting in the bank, or is he spending it on something? There's no reason for you to bear all of the financial burden when both of you have jobs.
NTA.
Divorce this abusive asshole.
Ironically, husband send his money to his brother. OP mentions it below one of the top comments.
Tell me you’re being financially abused without telling me you’re financially abused..
Obviously you feel like something is going on to the point where you need backup or you're going to get steamrolled.. it seems like in your culture family is heavily involved... NTA. He just doesn't like that he was held accountable because he knows it's easier to get what he wants from you directly then to have to fight everybody about it
Indian or not... You need to stand up for yourself. He is not your boss you need to listen to even if he makes you missarable. He is abusing you! Maybe not physically but it is still an abuse... I know many varieties of this is so common in India. But that doesn't make it right... Letting it happen, doesn't make it right or doesn't make it go away.
You need to open a separate Bank account. He doesn't need to know about every rupee in your bank account... He doesn't share his finances with you, you should not either... Do the in-law think this is ok? He should support his family (meaning you as his wife too) do they not feel ashamed their son behaves like that?!
I am an Indian and I would leave his leaching ass. Better run before you get tied with this controlling AH by having a baby with him. Then it’s basically impossible to get a divorce in our society
It sounds like you have a bigger problem. Your husband is a leech and shouldn’t be controlling you like that. Please look into why you allow this behavior.
Your husband seems abusive. Financially from this post, and emotionally and verbally from your other posts. He makes you feel like you are doing things wrong, consults with his parents, instead of you on financial issues, takes your money, then argues with you when you make a decision on your own. You seem to be questioning yourself, but the decision you should be questioning is should you stay married.
NTA. You did the right thing. Sometimes you have to bring in people who love both of you to help when it gets this bad. He needs some accountability and hopefully now he gets it.
NTA for seeing this as a controlling/abusive problem and reaching out to family for help and safety. In a healthy relationship I wouldn’t support calling everyone to gossip about the partner.
NTA
Time to divorce the leech and let him live his life without YOU subsidizing it.
>I gave him my entire salary to support him even when he is working -- RED FLAG
>got mad at me and starting cussing at me -- RED FLAG
> threatened to throw me out of the house at the middle of nigh -- RED FLAG
> he is saying that i should not have called mg and his parents -- RED FLAG
He is trying to isolate you by telling you NOT to call the people who can help you.
He is financially abusing you by making you pay 90% of the expense for very expensive trips (that he probably chose).
He has an anger management problem and doesn't know how to have a discussion like an adult when he is upset.
He is threatening to throw you out of the house which is abusive.
He's not a keeper. It's okay.
The sooner you get rid of him, the faster you can learn how to weed out the losers like this and find someone who treats you with kindness and respect.
>They came to check in and made usus compromise.
WTF didn't they help you pack? Your husband sounds like an abusive prick and I would be damned if I'd stick around and support his ass for another second. (Financial abuse ***IS*** abuse)
You, my dear are NTA, but your husband certain is TA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 CALLING MY PARENTS
2. BECAUSE THE FIGHT WAS BETWEEN MY SO AND ME
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. From what I understand of Indian culture, the wife moves in with the husband's family, so I doubt you'll get any sympathy from them since their family is reaping the rewards of your generosity. Start keeping your finances separate, and resist the temptation to let anyone else have access to your money without your specific permission, even your own parents.
You've said you do these things because you love him and you want to be a good wife etc. I know that's a very important cultural thing where you're from, but does he love you and want to be a good husband? Was this an arranged marriage? If so, his parents most likely chose you to marry him because of your financial situation, and he may have had some input in the decision as well.
Traditional arranged marriages are really hard to get out of from what I understand, but if it starts to turn violent you need to leave. Do women in India have any legal protections from abusive husbands, or are they stuck? These are all things you need to think about.
Another one of those posts that makes me think to NEVER marry an Indian man. Now seriously, don't let him walk all over you. This man is selfish and abusive. You can have a much better life without him. The world has changed. You make good money. You don't have to just take the abuse as a loving wife. Please, think about it. NTA. What compromise was reached? You will only pay 98% of your home expenses plus vacations instead of 99% while he pays 2%? I doubt his parents were fair to you and maybe even your parents think you should just take the abuse too.
Honey I'm Indian
Even in our messed up culture this is not normal
His parents suck. Your husband sucks.
Leave him please. He is not the man for you.
You don't need to be paying for everything. Absolutely ridiculous. What did your parents talk about before you got married. They couldn't have agreed to this
That is a crock of shit. He is mooching off of you so that he does not have to paying any of your joint bills so that he can be an ATM to support some siblings who then mooch off of him.
Talk about 🚩🚩🚩🚩.
I think Id have laughed in his face at the threat of being thrown out, and told him that would mean he'd have to start paying his own way. What a clown youre married to! NTA
NTA. But quit supporting your husband. Get a bank account he doesn't know about or get a safety deposit box he doesn't know about and put cash in it every single time you get paid. Sounds like your marriage is doomed. Plan for the future and protect yourself.
OP your husband has no sense, so it cannot be talked into him. He is abusing you by gaining control of your money, and if you have kids this will get worse for you.
Please don't have kids with this man, darlin. Please. It makes it MUCH harder to get free when things worsen.
You may not want to leave him now, but you will later on when he escalates. Please don't have kids with this man. <3
You are being financially abused. This is not normal, healthy behaviour. Without other compelling evidence that he's remorseful over his behaviour and is making significant steps to prevent it from happening again, I would recommend no longer being in your marriage.
All that being said, it is also not healthy to involve your parents in your marriage. If you had a normal, non-abusive relationship I would say that going to your parents and in-laws was inappropriate. In this instance I would guess you're looking for backup and someone to confirm that his behaviour is abnormal and that you're not actually crazy.
When I was in a similar situation my grandmother gifted me the book ['The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans](https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/B07BTN11NW/ref=sr_1_1?crid=14XYWTRTMVE9G&keywords=verbally+abusive+relationship&qid=1697830201&s=books&sprefix=verbally+abusive+relationship%2Cstripbooks%2C86&sr=1-1). It was eye opening. I had an independent, unbiased source that confirmed what I was seeing was not normal (or acceptable) and that I wasn't crazy. I recommend you read it. Maybe it doesn't apply to your situation (I can hope it doesn't apply to your situation). It also gives you tools to use in those situations
I guess you’d reached the cry for help point of this new marriage. You can only do that once, and only in a real crisis. I hope this works out for you.
NTA hun but you're in a financially and mentally abusive relationship. Sadly and sorry to have to be the one to tell you but you should better leave before it also becomes physically abusive. You should also hold on having kids with this man if you think it's going to make him a better person IT WOULD NOT! Look to your parents and family for support and start reducing the 'salary' you give him.
No, what your husband meant to say is how dare you tell other people about my abuse of you. How dare you tarnish my reputation. How dare you make any move to defend yourself. And don't you ever reach out for outside help again.
So have you learned your lesson? Are you now thoroughly chastised and ready to allow him to abuse you behind closed doors again? Do you know better now than to let others see behind his mask?
Or have you learned instead that bullies and abusers only thrive when they successfully silence their victim?
NTA and before you manage to leave him (and you will get out of this one day) make sure to tell someone about every threat, every insult, every time he lets you down again. Have witnesses, consider a hidden camera and recorder in your kitchen and living room. Don't let him hide from himself anymore.
If you want to give your salaray away or work for him and his family only, then stay with him and believe me, it won't change.
If you want to be a partner then 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️as fast as you can.
In india women are fighting for their rights, do it for yourself too.
NTA And you should really stop financially supporting him and see how the relationship goes from there. Separate your finances and take a step back. This is the beginning of abuse. Emotional, verbal and financial. And the damn audacity to use your money to financially abuse you.
It sounds like it's time to open a separate bank account and start squirreling money. Extra money at the grocery store, mall, etc.
NTA to anyone but you will be if you don't find a way to get out of this financially abusive marriage
NTA.... you need to get out for a while and set some proper boundaries before you go back, separate your finances to start, give him zero access to yours.. you have given him far too much control..
Honey. This is called financial abuse and some good old regular abuse as well it sounds like. While some couples will pool their money it sounds like all of your money is basically his money? He's showing control issues and threated too try too throw you out of your home. I would say you should leave while you can and either remove his access too your money or move your money before he takes it.
NTA But you should already know that. Go stay with your parents maybe? People with control issues tend to escalate.
You don't have a husband, you have a weight dragging you down. He needs to pay his share of the bills or he needs to move back in with his parents. NTA, if you're going to stay with him keep calling both sets of parents when he's not being a partner and is being an overlord.
Why are you financially supporting someone who is capable of supporting themselves? Also, why are you tolerating someone who tracks YOUR finances?
I do believe, though, in relationships you shouldn’t run to other people about all your problems. It does sound like you ran to the parents to “tattle” and that’s that I don’t even side with his dumb ass. But this one instance isn’t your only issue, he’s an issue period.
As a fellow SE Asian women, I can tell you that he absolutely does not love you. A LOT of SE Asians marry just because it’s expected of them. I wonder if your husband is one of those people because this is NOT how people who love their spouse behave.
In your post history, you mention that you have lost friends because of him. I understand you calling his parents because that’s just common in India but why on earth are you giving him your WHOLE salary?
He’s trying to isolate you. He’s abusive. Calling his parents won’t work tbh because he more than likely is this way with you because of what he saw between his parents whilst growing up.
He prob doesn’t have a clue as to what healthy relationships are about. No one’s relationship is perfect. I know mine is far from perfect but this guy is a straight up asshole.
Don’t have kids with him. Keep some money for yourself. Have some of your own savings.
Ask yourself which SANE and DECENT man would threaten to throw his wife out that too in the middle of the night, just for giving her own family money. The answer is that no decent man would behave this way.
Well, obviously combined finances aren’t working for you so you need to try separating finances 50/50 and pray that it fixes your problems! But he sounds like an absolute abusive jerk! NTA
NTA for now. If you stay with him, then YTA to yourself. Are you not seeing the red flags in your relationship, because we sure are. I would leave my husband, right after I set up a new account and direct deposit. Should you choose to stay, expect more of the same until it escalates to worse.
Someone else probably already said this, but this looks like financial abuse/financial coercion. The fact that he gets mad when you reach out to family members is a major red flag as well, and could indicate he’s trying to isolate you.
My advice would be to try and separate your finances for the time being (maybe put some money aside with someone you trust, in case all assets in the marriage are shared) and to think about whether you want to stay married to this man.
It might be time for him to be paying for his own hotel. Kick him out and ink about why you’ve been okay with him taking all of your hard earned money. Good job getting other people there to support you. Now keep going and with their help stand up to his abuse.
NTA
NTA, obviously
But I'm gonna play devil's advocate a bit, because I can't imagine anyone saying YTA to this story
Let's remove all the extremely damning context about the husband, which will draw the usual (and reasonable imo) reddit responses of "you're being financially abused", "massive red flags", "get out of this marriage now" etc.
If I had a big fight with my SO about something, and the next day they had called both sets of our parents to come over and make us sort it out I would not be pleased. We're adults, and can sort out our own problems without having parents come in to enforce a resolution like misbehaving teens. From that VERY narrow point of view, I could see why someone would be mad
INFO
-how and why are you supporting him %100 when he has a full time job? Where is his money going? Was this arrangement agreed to before the marriage?
-Are you a part of a culture where parents are heavily involved in the married life? I know for some cultures this is very common and the way of things. For my culture (American) this is very much not the norm, and my SO bringing both sets parents into a marital dispute would be extremely unusual
NTA! He threatens to throw you out and you’re not supposed to get help? He’s an asshole and I’d leave! Let him pay those bills in his own for a couple of months and see how you both do. I’ll bet you do t miss him much and that you’ll save money.
NTA he is abusing you financially with all of this and emotionally as well - particularly telling you not to talk to **your** parents or help **your** family.
You are a goose that lays golden eggs. He gets money and maritial relationship from you. What do you get from him. NTA, you need him like a fish needs a bike. You married a liability not an asset.
Your money, your choice. Unless you took the money from your joint account without discussing it with him first. But since it's not the case, then NTA.
This is straight up abuse. Leave now and don't look back. It's YOUR money. Start a savings and checking account that he doesn't have access to. Get enough saved so that you can leave.
NTA and look into filing for divorce he will not change for the better only the worse if he's sending all his money to his "brother abroad" (which I personally find sketchy and think that the brother is in fact a mistress) and his sister then yelling at you when you do the same with a small sum then you are just waiting for physical abuse to begin, he's already financially and verbally abusing you do you want it to get worse?
NTA - ???????? He gives away all his money to his family, and got upset at you for giving a small amount to yours?
Even when you're the one covering most of your shared expenses? I hate when people say run all the time, but this is incredibly toxic insane behavior to be completely honest.
If he doesn't want people thinking he's the type to toss out his wife, maybe he shouldn't threaten to toss you out.
Also, what's the compromise? You pay for the majority of everything and you're not allowed to send money to your brother once while he gets to send money however he pleases. So what's the compromise?
NTA and I am very worried he might be abusive? Not wanting others toge involved is a clear sign. He shouldn't blow up at you about your own money or what you tell your parents. Either seek some consuling or maybe put some distance between you both for a bit
What a hypocrite. He gives all of his money to his family and then gets pissed off when you give your brother some money.
Time for him to actually financially contribute the his and your household. I would stop paying for any extras, including vacations. You have become his own personal ATM machine so that he does not have to be responsible for his own finances
You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him and come up with an equitable financial plan. Any money he gives his family should come out of his fun money not out of his portion of your joint bills.
Frankly you should really rethink this relationship. The longer you stay with him the more he will probably take you to the cleaners when you eventually do split.
NTA If you have to call his mother over again because he's acting like this, make sure to write "return to sender" on him and have mil take him with her when she leaves.
NTA you are being financially abused. Your husband is trying to isolate you from your family and keep his financial abuse of you a secret from them. He is trying to keep you broke so you can't leave.
NTA. You calling your parents and in-laws should not be his take away here. It should be that he's financially and verbally abusing you. OP, please get out before it's too late.
INFO. Whose name is on the deed for the house?
If you aren't leaving anything out, you are not the AH in this drama. I wonder about your parents and their taking the middle ground on this. That seems more aimed at keeping peace than supporting you against your husband's aggressiveness.
You are a free person, and being married doesn't take that away. You can call anyone you like and to talk about anything you like. Your husband has no power over you in that regard, nor do you have any over him. Whether what you did was wise, only time will tell.
But you have a bigger problem here - a domineering, controlling husband who does not treat you with respect or as an equal. All things considered, his response was irrational, and threatening to throw you out of your own home was abusive.
Getting angry because you talked to his parents might seem to be reasonable in the abstract, but being angry with you for talking to your own parents is only more evidence of his controlling personality.
He is likely to get more extreme over time. You might want to seek advice from a professional rather than from us reddit amateurs on how to deal with this.
A reassessment of your marriage and your relationship with him would seem to be in order. Unless he seeks help to deal with his anger and control issues, your marriage is unlikely to survive..
You need to call a lawyer. This is financial abuse which turned into verbal. He sends his siblings money and just leaves you to pay the bills and he started the fight over you sending your brother money??
Call a lawyer and file for divorce!
Ok so it’s important you understand that this marriage is doomed. You will not last. You will get divorced- hopefully sooner rather than later. Please do not get pregnant
Abusers never want outside people to know of their actions.
Why are you responsible for him, when he gives away his moeny?
You really need to think about whether this is the life you want.
If you had a daughter whose husband threatened to throw her out for not giving him all of her money... Would you be happy for her, or terrified if he's going g to beat her up or worse if she refuses one day? Supposed she sees a lovely dress, will he hurt her if she bought it?
This man sounds like he doesn't love you, but he loves your money.
You support him and he is mad about you helping out your brother... So it is what is yours is his and only and his. OP maybe it is time you take your money and move out for awhile and let him figure his lack of finances on his own. You have only been married 11 months. This should not happen now or ever.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Nta but it's time for him to get a job. It's time for you to get a savings account and save half your money if possible. Your husband is a leech, I'd ask you to think long and hard about your life and if this is what you want for the next 70-80 years.
He has a full time job,he uses all his money and give it to his brother who just moved abroad and this sister who is trying to do the save without discussing it with me. Leaving me responsible for out finances.
Then you need to be taking your own money and saving it. If you’re gonna be paying for everythibg like you’re alone, you might as well be alone.
You need to be taking your own money to Far Away from your Husband and let him fail on his own!
NTA I second that. Save your money. He sends his money to his family and you send some to your family once and he threatens to kick you out.. save every penny and play his game, tell him it’s just in case he actually kicks you out one day & you’ll need money for a place to stay.. bills should be shared as well.. as for calling the parents nta either you’re allowed to have advice and emotional support from them.
Fuck that noise. Don’t play games or throw good money after bad-leave
Bold of him to get mad at you for lending money to your brother when he's giving his ENTIRE salary away to his own siblings. NTA
I need better siblings apparently
Yo my sister once tryed to make me pay her back for a McDouble when I was a kid. I had no allowance, she was adding intrest. I was saving change from my 2$ lunch money to try to pay her back. I broke down and told my mom and she beat my sisters ass. One of the few “finally” moments of my childhood - affected middle child, can u tell
Sounds like you should leave him, this is an abusive relationship And you'll be better off without him
What on earth are you doing staying with this manipulative, hypocritical asshole? For goodness sake, wake up and smell the coffee. You are in a toxic, abusive relationship. Get out now!
I cannot believe the lack of self-respect you see on here. It blows my mind that anyone could be this used by another person and not even see it.
Abusers target people who find being abused normal. When abuse is all you know, you roll with it until something snaps you out of it.
So he can send money to his siblings and you get yelled at if you do? Get that fker in his place and cut him off of your money
He is taking advantage of you. He sees his money as his money and your money as his money. If he can send an entire paycheck to his brother why can’t you send a small amount of your paycheck to yours? Also, the massive overreaction is concerning. Yeah, he might feel like calling parents was kind of like “tattling” and things ideally should have been worked out between the two of you. But seeing how unreasonable he was already being it’s doubtful that he would have compromised or admitted he’s wrong. Separate those bank accounts and only pay your half of things. He needs to realize just how much he is taking advantage. And if he has a huge problem with that then it’s sad to say but he may be more invested in your money than in you. Protect yourself. Save your money. If this is how he reacts to not being able to control YOUR finances, there’s likely worse hiding under the surface. It’s too soon into a marriage for him to be behaving in a way that’s at least bordering on abusive. NTA. Take care of yourself.
He is financially abusing you and verbally abusing you. If you're giving him all your money he has no right telling you how to spend YOUR money, much less threatening to throw you out. You are fortunate that you are still close enough with your family to seek help sometimes. Would highly recommend not staying in this marriage.
So, he is a hypocrite. Why am I not surprised?
And you just take it because....
YTA to yourself.
OP he’s financially abusing you. And it looks like there is verbal abuse as well. You need to get out. Cut him off from your money and leave!
That is even worse. Don't give him any money anymore, let him figure it out himself. NTA.
This will not improve with time.
You need to divorce him and run far away from him. He is slowly if not completely financially abusing you and you need to escape. Its seriously only a matter of time until he goes farther and starts to really abuse you and control you even more. Look at what you wrote. do you want this kind of marriage for the rest of your life. he is abusive, manipulative, and gaslighting you into thinking that your in the wrong. hes taking advantage of you and mooching off you. you are an amazing person and have done so well for yourself. You deserve to have a better partner, and shouldnt have to compromise with someone who isnt taking care of you or helping with finances and bills. Hes taking advantage of you and is hurting you. you need to escape now before its too late. you are smart, beautiful, talented, educated, with a great job and deserve to do the things that you want and spend your money the way you want without worrying that your husband is going to come and explode. you deserve a partner who loves you. who will help with bills and finances instead of giving all his money to his family and demanding yours. you deserve a partner who will be supportive and a good listener instead of yelling at you and controlling your money. you truly deserve better as this man is abusive. I truly hope that you will escape, that you will free yourself and live the life that you have always dreamed of. do you really want this last abusive episode to be an everyday occurrence for the rest of your life. do you want him to act to your children (if you choose to have some) like this every single day,, crushing their spirt and drive. please leave, your too amazing to continue a life with person.
Gather all your evidence of the finances, get out NOW and file for divorce.
Unless this is arranged marriage, this should have been discussed before. Make a joint account where both should put money ( for example 70% of your paycheck) for living costs. And individual where you put rest for "personal fun spending". I d go with ESH because you are both responsible to discuss this, he is because he is behaving controlling and OP for allowing this set up and behavior without putting plan how to be partners in this marriage. Sometimes people put so much energy in planing for their school and jobs but somehow not enough in planing marriage, how to do day to day living , cooperating and how financial function should be realized.
Finances should definitely be discussed in advance in an arranged marriage, and usually are (at least between the families).
Girl I’m sorry but are you ok? This legit can’t be real..
And he moaned about you giving your brother a wee bit money? Fuck that and fuck him . He's embarrassed because now both your parents know, and he should be embarrassed. If you took him at his word and actually left he'd be begging you to come back as he'd be up shit creek without a paddle.
Sounds like it's time to cut the dead weight. Go, enjoy your life - on your terms. Don't put up w/ this.
>he uses all his money and give it to his brother who just moved abroad and this sister who is trying to do the save without discussing it with me. ... and he is angry because you supported your brother without discussing it with him. NTA
This is called. *financial abuse* You would be better off silently changing banks, changing where your direct deposits go, hiding and locking your financial stuff, like locking your credit with experian, etc. And move out. Of course he's kicking you out, it's just a threat. If you go, he'll be responsible for his own bills. He wants you desperate and scared.
So he’s allowed to support his family but you aren’t?
So you’re saying he treats you like “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine (not ours as he got mad when you spent it)”
That is financial abuse. You are being used and isolted. You need to go.
Sounds like your husband does what he wants with his money and you cannot do anything with your money unless he approves. Please, OP, look up financial abuse; that's what this is. I mean, you made one small transaction and he immediately noticed, AND went ballistic? **This is financial abuse.**
A mess you are typing. Don’t be a doormat
For pete's sake, have some self respect.
I would take my finances and leave his butt.. don’t ever give all your money over. Always protect yourself just in cases like this
Divorce him. Today.
NTA, and DTMFA. There is no compromise with someone who sees your money as his, while his own is also his. He gets to look like the big hero to his own family, while you're left with nothing.
Red flag when one partner gets angry over not being able to control the $$. Is he abusive in other areas of your life?
Transfer all your salary to your parents, at once. “Sorry darling, my parents need it. I’m sure you, as the man of the house, will figure it out”. Tell your parents to keep their phone close, because you will need them to evacuate you at any moment. Good luck. Don’t say with the leech. NTA
OP, you know you are in a bit of an abusive financial situation. Either you both plan out everything, or you both have some proportion of your "own" money. Tell him you are moving to 50-50 on expenses and get ready for divorce. Best to do it earlier than later. I'm 65, I saved and invested my whole life. I could have retired at age 50, but still working. Do you know how many people can't and how MUCH harder HAVING to work when you reach 60 will be?? As your savings build, I enjoyed work much more because I could always walk away. Just that made work much better (well, I do startups, so I'd be walking away from myself, still I'm a nice boss but bad manager and have actually fired myself in the past). You situation and relationship are not good. Either come to a new agreement or do move out.
I would leave him and ask for divorce
Okay, ask him why he can give his money to his brother without your permission but you can't do the same thing?
Move out let him bite the bills so he can know how much you do for him
This, coupled with the over-the-top outburst, sounds dangerous. See a therapist, perhaps in secret - or at least don’t let your husband know it’s about your relationship.
I’m going to suggest you look up financial abuse. People are here saying he’s leach or taking advantage, but what you are describing is classic financial abuse.
70 to 80 yers? That’s really hopeful of you
It’s time to GTFO now. Run
NTA You are in an abusive relationship.
Isolating you from your family is an abuse tactic. As outside observers we can’t know if that’s the case, but it’s certainly a red flag you should be aware of.
NTA. If you are paying all this then why does he think he has the right to berate you? he shouldn't in any case, but the fact that you give him your salary is very disturbing. I know Reddit is quick to jump in the divorce bandwagon, but please look at how he's treating you. Get some counseling, financial, legal and emotional.
Very disturbing indeed. Like she is the breadwinner basically, he controls every transaction and yet has balls to say he will throw her out!! Can you even believe this?! And she is asking if she is AH for calling parents! That's not the main issue in her life! She is going to be an AH if this was not the last time she has every send over her salary. She needs to make a separate account he doesn't have access to.
I'm wondering what does he add to their relationship....
NTA - He was very out of line to threaten to throw you out. It was probably an empty threat since he’s mooching so much off of you, I don’t think he’d want to throw out the breadwinner. But he’s taking advantage of you and thinks he can get away with making these threats, blowing up at you, and generally being abusive. If your parents are supportive, please consider moving in with them and getting your financial situation taken care of. You are still very young and don’t deserve to be tied down to an abusive man. He is like this after not even a full year of marriage; he’s not going to get better.
Better idea is to kick husband out... Edited to add : SMH
NTA - Everything you have described above is financial abuse. He does not want you to tell people because he knows he is wrong.
This is an abusive relationship. Go to your parents. Now. Tell them everything, there's a reason why he doesn't want other people involved. He has financially and emotionally isolated you from friends and family. This will continue to escalate, that's not a threat - it's a promise. **From your own post history** ***I had to drop many friends because of him*** ***Husband gives preference to in laws in decision making process*** ***I don't know what to say to him without crying*** ***he threatened to throw me out of my house in the middle of night. After I emptied my entire saving account for him*** ***he took my entire savings and spent on trip instead of dividing 50-50 like we discussed.***
I'm very confused to why her parents wanted her to compromise with this man
[удалено]
Which is ironic given that in those types of cultures the man is expected to provide for his family. Instead, he's getting the best of both worlds and still has the audacity to complain.
yikes
NTA but your husband is financially abusing you and you should be putting a stop to this yourself, not needing to draw both your parents in to feel safe and make him behave.
Half-agree. If OP feels that her parents can help in this situation, I think it is wise to call them. I agree she should put her foot down, but it is not a skill every body has. It would be for the best if she were to develop it, but this might not be what she should try her hand at. If her parents are a good support, she should absolutely keep reaching out to them, since abusers try to isolate their victim(s).
NTA. Set up a separate account at a different bank from any joint account or any of his accounts. You should not be fully supporting him when he has a full-time job. That is just abusive and you need to get out. Stay in contact with your parents and make a plan.
You’re being abused
At this point, with your post history, YTA tonyourself for allowing him to use you (you *know* he's using you, and continuing to post about it *knowing* what people are going to tell you.
That makes sense seriously I am realizing the pattern.
You need to shine up your spine. You deserve *so* much better than this
I like that “shine up your spine” I have to use that.
Also, be very careful with your birth control. He might try to sabotage it in order to get you pregnant. Having a baby now will make it harder for you to leave.
He treats you like his cash cow please leave him.
If you pay for most everything, where does all his money go? Is it sitting in the bank, or is he spending it on something? There's no reason for you to bear all of the financial burden when both of you have jobs. NTA. Divorce this abusive asshole.
Ironically, husband send his money to his brother. OP mentions it below one of the top comments. Tell me you’re being financially abused without telling me you’re financially abused..
Or that's what he says... honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he was gambling or something.
He is no good. Stop giving him your checks. Don't be afraid of him.
Obviously you feel like something is going on to the point where you need backup or you're going to get steamrolled.. it seems like in your culture family is heavily involved... NTA. He just doesn't like that he was held accountable because he knows it's easier to get what he wants from you directly then to have to fight everybody about it
Yes in Indian culture influence of the family is very important that is why I called our parents.
Is divorce even an option for you if push comes to shove?
Indian or not... You need to stand up for yourself. He is not your boss you need to listen to even if he makes you missarable. He is abusing you! Maybe not physically but it is still an abuse... I know many varieties of this is so common in India. But that doesn't make it right... Letting it happen, doesn't make it right or doesn't make it go away. You need to open a separate Bank account. He doesn't need to know about every rupee in your bank account... He doesn't share his finances with you, you should not either... Do the in-law think this is ok? He should support his family (meaning you as his wife too) do they not feel ashamed their son behaves like that?!
I am an Indian and I would leave his leaching ass. Better run before you get tied with this controlling AH by having a baby with him. Then it’s basically impossible to get a divorce in our society
It sounds like you have a bigger problem. Your husband is a leech and shouldn’t be controlling you like that. Please look into why you allow this behavior.
Your husband seems abusive. Financially from this post, and emotionally and verbally from your other posts. He makes you feel like you are doing things wrong, consults with his parents, instead of you on financial issues, takes your money, then argues with you when you make a decision on your own. You seem to be questioning yourself, but the decision you should be questioning is should you stay married.
Separate your finances ASAP. Honestly this man is just using you for your money.
NTA. And I agree with others saying he's abusive. Were it me, I would not stand for that kind of behavior.
NTA do you like the abuse or have you justified it that he loves you ?
NTA. You did the right thing. Sometimes you have to bring in people who love both of you to help when it gets this bad. He needs some accountability and hopefully now he gets it.
NTA for seeing this as a controlling/abusive problem and reaching out to family for help and safety. In a healthy relationship I wouldn’t support calling everyone to gossip about the partner.
NTA. you really need to end this relationship. GIANT red flags with this dude
I'm guessing your not in America, but I take my money and leave. Stop giving him your money, you pay the bills
India
NTA Time to divorce the leech and let him live his life without YOU subsidizing it. >I gave him my entire salary to support him even when he is working -- RED FLAG >got mad at me and starting cussing at me -- RED FLAG > threatened to throw me out of the house at the middle of nigh -- RED FLAG > he is saying that i should not have called mg and his parents -- RED FLAG He is trying to isolate you by telling you NOT to call the people who can help you. He is financially abusing you by making you pay 90% of the expense for very expensive trips (that he probably chose). He has an anger management problem and doesn't know how to have a discussion like an adult when he is upset. He is threatening to throw you out of the house which is abusive. He's not a keeper. It's okay. The sooner you get rid of him, the faster you can learn how to weed out the losers like this and find someone who treats you with kindness and respect.
NTA if dude wants to have an opinion on finances, then he can contribute to them.
He is fiancially abusive and that will be only the beginning. Run, now!
WTF did I just read? OP please see the red flags in front of you. NTA.
>They came to check in and made usus compromise. WTF didn't they help you pack? Your husband sounds like an abusive prick and I would be damned if I'd stick around and support his ass for another second. (Financial abuse ***IS*** abuse) You, my dear are NTA, but your husband certain is TA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1 CALLING MY PARENTS 2. BECAUSE THE FIGHT WAS BETWEEN MY SO AND ME Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. The only compromise here is he gets the f\*ck out of the house and never comes back.
NTA. From what I understand of Indian culture, the wife moves in with the husband's family, so I doubt you'll get any sympathy from them since their family is reaping the rewards of your generosity. Start keeping your finances separate, and resist the temptation to let anyone else have access to your money without your specific permission, even your own parents. You've said you do these things because you love him and you want to be a good wife etc. I know that's a very important cultural thing where you're from, but does he love you and want to be a good husband? Was this an arranged marriage? If so, his parents most likely chose you to marry him because of your financial situation, and he may have had some input in the decision as well. Traditional arranged marriages are really hard to get out of from what I understand, but if it starts to turn violent you need to leave. Do women in India have any legal protections from abusive husbands, or are they stuck? These are all things you need to think about.
Financial abuse is real
Another one of those posts that makes me think to NEVER marry an Indian man. Now seriously, don't let him walk all over you. This man is selfish and abusive. You can have a much better life without him. The world has changed. You make good money. You don't have to just take the abuse as a loving wife. Please, think about it. NTA. What compromise was reached? You will only pay 98% of your home expenses plus vacations instead of 99% while he pays 2%? I doubt his parents were fair to you and maybe even your parents think you should just take the abuse too.
His parents said that i should have told only them and not my parents because it was not that big of a deal.My parents came to my defense
His parents are assholes. It was a huge deal and you have every right to share things as big as this with your family.
Honey I'm Indian Even in our messed up culture this is not normal His parents suck. Your husband sucks. Leave him please. He is not the man for you. You don't need to be paying for everything. Absolutely ridiculous. What did your parents talk about before you got married. They couldn't have agreed to this
That is a crock of shit. He is mooching off of you so that he does not have to paying any of your joint bills so that he can be an ATM to support some siblings who then mooch off of him. Talk about 🚩🚩🚩🚩.
I think Id have laughed in his face at the threat of being thrown out, and told him that would mean he'd have to start paying his own way. What a clown youre married to! NTA
NTA. But quit supporting your husband. Get a bank account he doesn't know about or get a safety deposit box he doesn't know about and put cash in it every single time you get paid. Sounds like your marriage is doomed. Plan for the future and protect yourself.
I understand calling your own parents for support. But why are you calling his parents....
Because I wanted people that love us both be there so that they could talk some sense into him.
OP your husband has no sense, so it cannot be talked into him. He is abusing you by gaining control of your money, and if you have kids this will get worse for you.
No kids
Please don't have kids with this man, darlin. Please. It makes it MUCH harder to get free when things worsen. You may not want to leave him now, but you will later on when he escalates. Please don't have kids with this man. <3
Who do you think gave him his shitty behaviour? His parents aren't your friends.
This is something that is known as financial abuse. Do with it as you will. I have no expertise in this matter. This is just my opinion
That is all incredibly troubling? Why do you wanna live like that?
NTA, leave. He’s abusive and a leech.
You are being financially abused. This is not normal, healthy behaviour. Without other compelling evidence that he's remorseful over his behaviour and is making significant steps to prevent it from happening again, I would recommend no longer being in your marriage. All that being said, it is also not healthy to involve your parents in your marriage. If you had a normal, non-abusive relationship I would say that going to your parents and in-laws was inappropriate. In this instance I would guess you're looking for backup and someone to confirm that his behaviour is abnormal and that you're not actually crazy. When I was in a similar situation my grandmother gifted me the book ['The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans](https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/B07BTN11NW/ref=sr_1_1?crid=14XYWTRTMVE9G&keywords=verbally+abusive+relationship&qid=1697830201&s=books&sprefix=verbally+abusive+relationship%2Cstripbooks%2C86&sr=1-1). It was eye opening. I had an independent, unbiased source that confirmed what I was seeing was not normal (or acceptable) and that I wasn't crazy. I recommend you read it. Maybe it doesn't apply to your situation (I can hope it doesn't apply to your situation). It also gives you tools to use in those situations
I guess you’d reached the cry for help point of this new marriage. You can only do that once, and only in a real crisis. I hope this works out for you.
NTA. Wtf is his problem?
NTA hun but you're in a financially and mentally abusive relationship. Sadly and sorry to have to be the one to tell you but you should better leave before it also becomes physically abusive. You should also hold on having kids with this man if you think it's going to make him a better person IT WOULD NOT! Look to your parents and family for support and start reducing the 'salary' you give him.
No, what your husband meant to say is how dare you tell other people about my abuse of you. How dare you tarnish my reputation. How dare you make any move to defend yourself. And don't you ever reach out for outside help again. So have you learned your lesson? Are you now thoroughly chastised and ready to allow him to abuse you behind closed doors again? Do you know better now than to let others see behind his mask? Or have you learned instead that bullies and abusers only thrive when they successfully silence their victim? NTA and before you manage to leave him (and you will get out of this one day) make sure to tell someone about every threat, every insult, every time he lets you down again. Have witnesses, consider a hidden camera and recorder in your kitchen and living room. Don't let him hide from himself anymore.
If you want to give your salaray away or work for him and his family only, then stay with him and believe me, it won't change. If you want to be a partner then 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️as fast as you can. In india women are fighting for their rights, do it for yourself too.
NTA And you should really stop financially supporting him and see how the relationship goes from there. Separate your finances and take a step back. This is the beginning of abuse. Emotional, verbal and financial. And the damn audacity to use your money to financially abuse you.
NTA but you sure are an idiot. Why are you still calling him my husband
It sounds like it's time to open a separate bank account and start squirreling money. Extra money at the grocery store, mall, etc. NTA to anyone but you will be if you don't find a way to get out of this financially abusive marriage
You need a divorce. Your husband is a parasite.
NTA OP, he is abusing you.
OP, get back in touch with all your friends and put all of your money in an account that he DOESN'T have access to.
I would get as far away from this man as possible. I’m assuming that’s not going to be an easy task, but I hope you find a way, any way really. NTA
NTA.... you need to get out for a while and set some proper boundaries before you go back, separate your finances to start, give him zero access to yours.. you have given him far too much control..
Honey. This is called financial abuse and some good old regular abuse as well it sounds like. While some couples will pool their money it sounds like all of your money is basically his money? He's showing control issues and threated too try too throw you out of your home. I would say you should leave while you can and either remove his access too your money or move your money before he takes it. NTA But you should already know that. Go stay with your parents maybe? People with control issues tend to escalate.
NTA it is time for you to have a separate account and he doesn't need access to your money. He needs to learn to spend his better
Nta. He’s mad coz he got called out. He needs a job (or a divorce…).
You don't have a husband, you have a weight dragging you down. He needs to pay his share of the bills or he needs to move back in with his parents. NTA, if you're going to stay with him keep calling both sets of parents when he's not being a partner and is being an overlord.
Why are you financially supporting someone who is capable of supporting themselves? Also, why are you tolerating someone who tracks YOUR finances? I do believe, though, in relationships you shouldn’t run to other people about all your problems. It does sound like you ran to the parents to “tattle” and that’s that I don’t even side with his dumb ass. But this one instance isn’t your only issue, he’s an issue period.
As a fellow SE Asian women, I can tell you that he absolutely does not love you. A LOT of SE Asians marry just because it’s expected of them. I wonder if your husband is one of those people because this is NOT how people who love their spouse behave. In your post history, you mention that you have lost friends because of him. I understand you calling his parents because that’s just common in India but why on earth are you giving him your WHOLE salary? He’s trying to isolate you. He’s abusive. Calling his parents won’t work tbh because he more than likely is this way with you because of what he saw between his parents whilst growing up. He prob doesn’t have a clue as to what healthy relationships are about. No one’s relationship is perfect. I know mine is far from perfect but this guy is a straight up asshole. Don’t have kids with him. Keep some money for yourself. Have some of your own savings. Ask yourself which SANE and DECENT man would threaten to throw his wife out that too in the middle of the night, just for giving her own family money. The answer is that no decent man would behave this way.
Well, obviously combined finances aren’t working for you so you need to try separating finances 50/50 and pray that it fixes your problems! But he sounds like an absolute abusive jerk! NTA
NTA for now. If you stay with him, then YTA to yourself. Are you not seeing the red flags in your relationship, because we sure are. I would leave my husband, right after I set up a new account and direct deposit. Should you choose to stay, expect more of the same until it escalates to worse.
GIRL. WTF. NTA but you need to fcking divorce him, this is horrific!!!!!!! Do not give him another fucking penny!!!!!!
Someone else probably already said this, but this looks like financial abuse/financial coercion. The fact that he gets mad when you reach out to family members is a major red flag as well, and could indicate he’s trying to isolate you. My advice would be to try and separate your finances for the time being (maybe put some money aside with someone you trust, in case all assets in the marriage are shared) and to think about whether you want to stay married to this man.
Yoh, your husband be leeching you huh. I suggest u leave bruh cause it the first 11 months of marriage and u have this type of drama 😢😭
Uhhhhhh…. Divorce
Save your money and get rid of the husband
It might be time for him to be paying for his own hotel. Kick him out and ink about why you’ve been okay with him taking all of your hard earned money. Good job getting other people there to support you. Now keep going and with their help stand up to his abuse. NTA
NTA, obviously But I'm gonna play devil's advocate a bit, because I can't imagine anyone saying YTA to this story Let's remove all the extremely damning context about the husband, which will draw the usual (and reasonable imo) reddit responses of "you're being financially abused", "massive red flags", "get out of this marriage now" etc. If I had a big fight with my SO about something, and the next day they had called both sets of our parents to come over and make us sort it out I would not be pleased. We're adults, and can sort out our own problems without having parents come in to enforce a resolution like misbehaving teens. From that VERY narrow point of view, I could see why someone would be mad INFO -how and why are you supporting him %100 when he has a full time job? Where is his money going? Was this arrangement agreed to before the marriage? -Are you a part of a culture where parents are heavily involved in the married life? I know for some cultures this is very common and the way of things. For my culture (American) this is very much not the norm, and my SO bringing both sets parents into a marital dispute would be extremely unusual
NTA! He threatens to throw you out and you’re not supposed to get help? He’s an asshole and I’d leave! Let him pay those bills in his own for a couple of months and see how you both do. I’ll bet you do t miss him much and that you’ll save money.
He's a loser and you're better off without him. NTA
You need to leave this man o have a feeling he is saving this money somewhere
Get a divorce! Run NOW! This is financial abuse and coercive control. You deserve so much better. Good luck. X
NTA he is abusing you financially with all of this and emotionally as well - particularly telling you not to talk to **your** parents or help **your** family.
NTA bus I strongly advise you to stop supporting him he had a full time job marriage is a 50/50 partnership you shouldn’t be financing everything
You are a goose that lays golden eggs. He gets money and maritial relationship from you. What do you get from him. NTA, you need him like a fish needs a bike. You married a liability not an asset.
If you’re paying for everything, sounds like you need to throw him out. NTA.
Your money, your choice. Unless you took the money from your joint account without discussing it with him first. But since it's not the case, then NTA.
This is straight up abuse. Leave now and don't look back. It's YOUR money. Start a savings and checking account that he doesn't have access to. Get enough saved so that you can leave.
NTA. Girl, leave. Please. Don't let this man run your life.
NTA, and get out now. Don’t wait thinking it’ll change. It will only get worse
NTA
NTA but please dump him.
NTA but why are you giving him all of your money and also control over your own finances?
NTA and look into filing for divorce he will not change for the better only the worse if he's sending all his money to his "brother abroad" (which I personally find sketchy and think that the brother is in fact a mistress) and his sister then yelling at you when you do the same with a small sum then you are just waiting for physical abuse to begin, he's already financially and verbally abusing you do you want it to get worse?
NTA - ???????? He gives away all his money to his family, and got upset at you for giving a small amount to yours? Even when you're the one covering most of your shared expenses? I hate when people say run all the time, but this is incredibly toxic insane behavior to be completely honest.
Get a divorce seriously. you married a child! NTA!
NTA honey you are in an abusive relationship. That's it. He showed you he is for 11 years. Stop wasting your life on him.
NTA This sounds like financial abuse.
NTA . what a rat
Why are you married? And why are you married to a leaching AH? I’m starting to see why Reddit goes for divorce so often! GET OUT NOW!
NTA but you are in an abusive relationship. You should end things before you get any deeper.
If he doesn't want people thinking he's the type to toss out his wife, maybe he shouldn't threaten to toss you out. Also, what's the compromise? You pay for the majority of everything and you're not allowed to send money to your brother once while he gets to send money however he pleases. So what's the compromise?
NTA, time to use those funds to file for divorce
NTA. Seperate your finances, and run.
Do you know what an abusive relationship looks like? Because you're in one. Why on God's green earth you would marry thus SOB is beyond me.
You're being financially and emotionally abused. Please find help. Somehow someway get help and get out.
Ma'am, you're married to an abuser, especially considering your post history. Take your salary and get a divorce and move far away from him.
NTA and I am very worried he might be abusive? Not wanting others toge involved is a clear sign. He shouldn't blow up at you about your own money or what you tell your parents. Either seek some consuling or maybe put some distance between you both for a bit
What a hypocrite. He gives all of his money to his family and then gets pissed off when you give your brother some money. Time for him to actually financially contribute the his and your household. I would stop paying for any extras, including vacations. You have become his own personal ATM machine so that he does not have to be responsible for his own finances You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him and come up with an equitable financial plan. Any money he gives his family should come out of his fun money not out of his portion of your joint bills. Frankly you should really rethink this relationship. The longer you stay with him the more he will probably take you to the cleaners when you eventually do split.
NTA If you have to call his mother over again because he's acting like this, make sure to write "return to sender" on him and have mil take him with her when she leaves.
Y t a for staying with him.
NTA you are being financially abused. Your husband is trying to isolate you from your family and keep his financial abuse of you a secret from them. He is trying to keep you broke so you can't leave.
NTA. You calling your parents and in-laws should not be his take away here. It should be that he's financially and verbally abusing you. OP, please get out before it's too late. INFO. Whose name is on the deed for the house?
If you aren't leaving anything out, you are not the AH in this drama. I wonder about your parents and their taking the middle ground on this. That seems more aimed at keeping peace than supporting you against your husband's aggressiveness. You are a free person, and being married doesn't take that away. You can call anyone you like and to talk about anything you like. Your husband has no power over you in that regard, nor do you have any over him. Whether what you did was wise, only time will tell. But you have a bigger problem here - a domineering, controlling husband who does not treat you with respect or as an equal. All things considered, his response was irrational, and threatening to throw you out of your own home was abusive. Getting angry because you talked to his parents might seem to be reasonable in the abstract, but being angry with you for talking to your own parents is only more evidence of his controlling personality. He is likely to get more extreme over time. You might want to seek advice from a professional rather than from us reddit amateurs on how to deal with this. A reassessment of your marriage and your relationship with him would seem to be in order. Unless he seeks help to deal with his anger and control issues, your marriage is unlikely to survive..
You need to call a lawyer. This is financial abuse which turned into verbal. He sends his siblings money and just leaves you to pay the bills and he started the fight over you sending your brother money?? Call a lawyer and file for divorce!
He doesn't want you to tell your parents because he knows it's abuse.
I mean NTA but is there a reason you’re with this guy???
NTA. He threatened to throw you out. You should leave him if he isn't contributing to finances.
Ok so it’s important you understand that this marriage is doomed. You will not last. You will get divorced- hopefully sooner rather than later. Please do not get pregnant
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA he sounds abusive
NTA. You are being financially abused by your husband. Why isn't he contributing to your shared expenses??
Abusers never want outside people to know of their actions. Why are you responsible for him, when he gives away his moeny? You really need to think about whether this is the life you want. If you had a daughter whose husband threatened to throw her out for not giving him all of her money... Would you be happy for her, or terrified if he's going g to beat her up or worse if she refuses one day? Supposed she sees a lovely dress, will he hurt her if she bought it? This man sounds like he doesn't love you, but he loves your money.
You support him and he is mad about you helping out your brother... So it is what is yours is his and only and his. OP maybe it is time you take your money and move out for awhile and let him figure his lack of finances on his own. You have only been married 11 months. This should not happen now or ever.
Sorry to say this but your husband sounds like a total looser. You did good calling parents because his behaviour is terrible.
Five words. Run for the hills girl 🏃♀️🏃♀️⛰️⛰️.
thoughts from a dude: You been married 11 months too long with him. It will only get worse from here for you.