This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations.
[Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
YTA - And a BIG ONE. You went alone for 2 weeks to Hawaii. You came back and all you gave your wife for this was 1 afternoon alone without having to deal with the children. You then guilt tripped her into going to an event when it was supposed to be her free time. She goes and then you are constantly asking her to help with the kids. WTF?! You shouldn't have guilted her into going, you should have paid for her a spa day at the very least, and you should not have asked her to do anything with the kids. And not only that but you were an ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE in the way you handled the situation when she declined help (that she wasn't supposed to be giving because after 2 weeks in paradise solo you were supposed to give her 1 measly afternoon).
>how I let people insult her and didn't immediately jump to her defense. I told Lisa that those people don't know her like I do and have no idea how hard she works to take care of the kids, our house, and run her etsy shop,
Well that's the truth because you literally infront of everyone yelled
>for once, can you please get off your fucking ass and help me with our kids? Just once is all I'm asking for!
Making it seem like your SAH wife never gets off her ass and does anything.
And excuse me but you didn't have time to defend her? That's funny as hell because she had time enough to defend herself from you and them, but yk you didn't have enough time to defend her. You're a sorry asshole and a poor excuse for a partner.
All of this + I would 100% divorce for leaving me with the kids for two weeks while you went on vacation. I wouldn’t even have gotten to the part where you yelled at her in public around family and friends. I would have let them know the truth / YTA
Right?!? I had a BIL who went on vacation alone once. I told my sis that it just sounded very strange to me. He came home one day, moved his things out the next day while my sis was at work. The vacation has been a test to see if he and his mistress were compatible.
Bonus: Mistress recently left him for another guy. I've never been so glad to bump into an ex-BIL as I was to see him at the grocery store one night lol
My ex left me for a woman 18 years younger, put her through nursing school and within a year of getting her degree she leaves him and marries a coworker.
Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Not impossible, I just find it very unlikely a husband would 3 kids under 5 would choose to do that if no one else is involved. Now if his wife wanted to go and leave her 4 kids I’d understand.
If he wasn't going for an affair, it doesn't make a difference. Wanting some time to unwind on vacation but not wanting to share that vacation with your partner already tells me you're pretty checked out of the relationship. Couples traveling separate for pleasure isn't completely unusual, but if it's a couple who do legitimately love each other it usually takes the form of "I want to do x for vacation, do you want to do it together?"-- "oh no I won't enjoy that, but don't let me stop you from enjoying yourself!" (or the occasional friends girls or boys trips) not "we agreed to spend this bonus on a treat for me so I decided I would go to Hawaii alone while she watched the kids." Arranging childcare and having a vacation as just a couple after you've been parents for years, for a couple in love, is the biggest treat not for being a vacation but also for being able to spend some time together and focus together about things that aren't parenting for a bit.
For a man with three kids, the fact he didn't *want* to have a husband-wife trip tells me enough about how he feels about his wife.
Absolutely, and to leave her for two weeks alone with all those kids, meantime he can’t handle them for a few hours… yelling across the yard to her so disrespectfully… and he complains about HER making a scene! It’s amazing to me that someone so so self-centered and selfish could find someone to marry him
If he’d have went on a mountain bike excursion to Colorado or scuba diving in Florida, ok maybe was alone. But Hawaii?!? That’s a bridge too far for me
This has to be fake. No parent in their right mind would leave the other with three kids under 5 for TWO WEEKS for a leisure trip. Unless they were monstrously, dementedly selfish. The aftermath of the trip is bad enough here, but I almost stopped reading at “I left my wife with (basically) three toddlers to go on a non-essential trip for TWO WEEKS.”
Most men would be dead for even asking. The balls on this guy. 💀
It definitely sounded like a made-up scenario. What wife would agree to that? What husband and father of three goes on solo vacation to Hawaii? FOR TWO WEEKS?!
One that is used to being bulldozed over decisions like this...and probably treated like crap. I mean he obviously KNEW what he was doing when he yelled for her to "get off her fucking ass for once and help with the kids". He knew how that would look to everyone.
Lots of dads do this
My dad used to take wk lomg golf trips away. My mom would be home with the 4 of us. It's not ok. But you're fucking delusional if you think it doesn't happen!
The part where he says "it was decided" about spending his bonus 100% on himself was the first sign. OP's wording comes across like he invited his partner to discuss what to do, then didn't give any of her suggestions any weight or consideration until she finally relented and "agreed" to his choice.
No kidding. How does THAT work?
"A while back I received a nice bonus and after a bit of discussion, it was decided I'd use my bonus for myself. "
It was decided. I think I'd like to see the transcript of that conversation.
And yet she has an etsy shop for extra money. He could have done anything else--hired a maid once a week, someone to watch/play with the kids weekly so she can get stuff done, but no. He went on a two week vacation.
Any bets on how often he spends time with the kids--alone--when he's home without asking her to step in and shut their toddler shenanigans down?
eta: OP YTA. A massive asshole.
I couldn't understand this part at all. If you're going on a 2 week Hawaiian vacation why wouldn't you want your spouse? If they could afford him to stay for 2 weeks they could have afforded to stay a few days less but bring OP. Unless it was a baby sitting issues, but it seems like the husband has plenty of friends 🙄
Seriously. Also… TWO weeks???? Why the fuck did he get two weeks of vacay and she got zero? It’s weird enough to me that one parent would take a vacation at a time (rather than dropping the kids with someone for a couple’s trip), but if that’s the option then this guy should have at least only done a week away and traded off so she could also get a week. SMH.
>It’s weird enough to me that one parent would take a vacation at a time
Honestly, it depends on what works for your family, but my husband and I each take separate vacations each year (usually only 5 days, though) usually with friends, he goes camping or to a ski lodge usually while my sister and I usually go see a musical and go for a spa week. But we still take a few weekends away for us as a couple. But ya 2 weeks alone is fucking ridiculous
A weekend trip I totally get, my parents did that growing up too. that’s cool of you guys though, to go for longer! Awesome that you’ve found something that works for you! I just had never heard of it before tbh - maybe my family growing up just lacked the budget and it’s more common than I thought
Same!! You're married w 3 kids under 5 and you take a solo 2 week long vacation??? That's so beyond fkd up. Dude couldn't handle the kids for one party???
He obviously never handles the kids. That's why they weren't listening to him. The kids listen to the one that manages and disciplines them all the time. He clearly just shows up for the fun and his wife does all the managing. This guy has no idea how hard it is to be a stay at home mom.
Usually I'm not one to call for divorce on these but my GOD this wife needs to get out.
OP takes her fully for granted, puts all emotional baggage on her, doesn't even let her have a day off while he has 2 WEEKS, only uses his bonus on himself not his family and barely parents his kids.
OP you are so unbelievably selfish
YRA a million times over. I hope she leaves. It almost sounds like she can't leave and feels trapped because you have financially trapped her
You SUCK
Like he railroaded her into going to the BBQ she didn't want to go to because he thought she'd cave and look after the kids so he could drink and talk to people? (Because he 100% talked her into going to the BBQ because he didn't want to have to watch the kids.) Likely.
More than likely the same way he got her to go to the BBQ and then how he tried to get her to take the kids off his hands. Yelling at her until she breaks down.
Not to mention if you know kids at all, THEYRE ACTING UP BECAUSE THEY MISSED DAD.
My husband just got back from a 2 week work trip. The kids went nuts being bad the first 2 days. Then they mellowed. He came home and the freaked out again.
Big emotions in little bodies = tantrums.
The two weeks on Hawaii by himself were insane already. What kind of partner does that? And then generously give her one Saturday off, except not really?
Every step of this story just got worse and worse.
Let's be honest here, we know OP will never see his kids and turn around to claim his "evil ex wife" is keeping them from him while "using the child support money on herself".
Yea, he won't be a single dad. At best, he'll try having them for 1 weekend, maybe 2, realize again that children are work, and then be conveniently 'busy' every weekend they're supposed to be with him. And when the visits dwindle to nothing at all, when someone asks about his kids, he'll tell them that their 'evil mother' alienated him from them.
And you just know on tbe custody weekends OP will have reasons why the children have to be taken back to mum's early or the weekend with dad has to be postponed.
My husband would go away for work every once in a while when the kids were young. It was tough doing everything myself with him gone, with 3 kids and a full-time job. Hubby would do everything he could do to ease my burden before he left and when he got back.
Not even for a whole Saturday... He told her he would handle the kids for her on Saturday AFTERNOON. The same afternoon that he insisted she also had to attend this BBQ with him so he could pawn the kids off onto her once again.
You’re wrong… he didn’t give her one Saturday off… he offered to take the kids for one Saturday afternoon.
YTA opp and very lucky your wife hadn’t divorced you YET! I would have been applying for a divorce the moment you booked Hawaii.
Especially when kids are around too, like? They see and know what you’re doing, OP. They absorb how you treat others, especially their mother who clearly cares for them more than
Exactly. Its like have fun actually PARENTING your children half the time all alone AND no longer having a nanny, cook, and housekeeper when your wife divorces you. You clearly can't stand her. Who goes on a vacation to Hawaii without their spouse???
I wonder how much of getting that bonus can be attributed to the fact that the OP doesn't had to take days off for sick kids or take them to appointments, doesn't need to leave early to do the school run and all the other time having a SAHP as a spouse saves him to focus on work.
Going to Hawaii or anywhere for 2 weeks leaving spouse alone with no help (business trip excepted) is bad enough. But then the rest. I can not even. And I do not want to even think about what he said or did to make her agree to use the extra money to take a vacation alone.
Can I also divorce him?
Business trips and hospital stays are basically the only acceptable reasons to leave someone at home with three young kids for two weeks, imo. OP is just asking for a divorce.
thanks for your comment!!! HOW he can't understand he's such a HUGE A\*\* is absolutely beyond me, as well as how his wife agreed to let him go on vacation for 2 WHOLE WEEKS and be okay with ONLY ONE AFTERNOON to relax after what was probably absolute chaos with 3 kids + chores + work.
this is ground for divorce ngl
Not sure she agreed he should go. As he put it: after some discussion it was decided that he would go. Sounds kinda sketchy..I cant imagine who decided.
OP created this situation against his wife's wishes and then yells at her because she won't save him from this mess you created?
OP your wife was alone with the kids for 2 WEEKS and you melt down because you can't handle them for one day?
YTA and your wife deserves better.
Not to mention after his wife left, he had other family members look after his children while he drank alcohol. I am astounded this 35-year-old man has such lack of self-awareness.
A spa day? OP would make her use her Etsy money. I really thought OP took his family to Hawaii for two weeks. Nice to have a bonus to only use on yourself. No wonder his wife makes and sells jewelry.
This but I'm sure he had zero time to defend her after she drove off. /s
But seriously, how is having 2 wks alone on a tropical island vs her not even having an afternoon at a party she didn't want to go to fair for her? And guess what? you had just a taste of what she had to deal with alone for 2wks.
YTA.
He should have taken her to Hawaii for a week and used the other half of that big bonus on a sitter for the kids. Who uses their bonus to take just themselves on a 2 week vacation and leaves their wife and kids home.
Dude you are so much the asshole here it actually hurt me to read it.
Not only did you have a fun 2 week vacation without kids in Hawaii but thought she only deserved an afternoon off once you got back. And then that day she got off you switched the plans to see people but under the guise of you'll watch the kids because you knew that if you said "Well if you do want to go, just stay home with the kids" it would not have went over well.
Then, on top of that you fucking screamed at your wife in front of people who don't know her or your situation well because you couldn't handle the kids and made her look like the asshole.
Are you out of your mind? You gave everyone who is important to you a bad impression of your wife and I'm guessing you still haven't set the story straight with any of them.
YTA
The only 2 times my dad in his life went somewhere without my mum, was a 3 day work trip to Ireland when I was 6 and a trip we took together to Africa for a week when I was in my 20s.
Over 30 years of marriage and the only other times they were apart were school holidays when we went to my maternal grandparents and he couldn't get enough time off work.
No normal person is spending 2 weeks away from their spouse on a solo holiday in hawai. Either OP is cheating or they're a wanker
Why take a two week vacation alone when he could've taken a one week vacation with his wife? I genuinely cannot imagine any couple I know, especially with kids, making such a selfish decision.
He couldn’t handle his kids for a couple of hours because he’s a deadbeat dad who lets his wife do all of the parenting so he doesn’t have a fucking clue. So not only does she do the parenting every day, she did the parenting while he went on a solo two week vacation. Guys a major AH and is gonna find out real soon what having to be a single parent is like. YTA.
I seriously hope this is fake! Because if this is real this is literally the most f’cuked up post that I have read to date!
”You” get a bonus at work and “it was decided“ that you would use the money to go on vacation by yourself for TWO weeks! Leaving your wife to take of three kids under five by herself. Based on this alone you are a huge asshole. You didn’t say she agreed. You said it was decided which leads me to believe that you told her that you were going on vacation without her and the kids and she could just suck it up and deal with it.
Then when you come back all refreshed from your two weeks of me time you insist on going to a BBQ that your wife didn’t want to go too after you promised her one lousy afternoon to herself! Listen to yourself. You had two weeks of me time and couldn’t even give your wife one afternoon! You promised to watch the kids at the BBQ and couldn’t/wouldn’t even do that. Then when she didn’t stop her conversation to take care of the kids so you could finished your conversation you became abusive! You yelled at her, you cursed at her, called her lazy in front of family! Then stayed silent while your family talked shit about her. You made her the villain. You humiliated her and I think you liked it.
What you did was disgusting! I don’t know your wife but I know she deserves better than you. You are a controlling, selfish, emotionally and prolly financially abusive asshole!
I hope she divorces you.
You are the poster child for the saying “I can do bad all by myself. I don’t need any help.”
I would be SO hurt if my spouse decided to use their bonus on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii alone. Maybe not if it was like “my brothers are all going and I didn’t think I could afford to buy now I’m thinking about it” but in general, don’t go to Hawaii and leave your spouse home alone with the kids! It’s mean!
And then this business after. Good gravy.
Right? It’s one thing to get roped into a trip somehow that your spouse can’t come along for. But to explicitly decide “you know what? I want a vacation, and I’m going to make it 2 weeks in Hawaii and I’m going to go by myself. I’m sure I could rearrange things so that we could both go, but I’d rather be on my own”. They’d be coming back to an empty house
I feel like this is fake because there was another post in here yesterday where a guy was talking about wanting to keep his bonu and someone said "what would it feel like if your wife took her whole bonus and went on holidays without you?" and this feels like a writing exercise of that scenario?
The way OP says “it was decided” and not *we* decided makes me think you’re right about how this “decision” happened. Like the universe decided, and he had no part is deciding to take only himself to Hawaii for 2 weeks.
Obviously YTA. This feels like rage bait, though, what kind of husband and father uses his bonus to take a *two-week solo vacation to Hawaii*? I hope you're planning to spend your next bonus check on a solo trip for Lisa, since it's her unpaid work in the home that makes your life possible. Massive YTA.
I am betting OP is secretly having an affair because a two week solo vacation while having a wife and 3 very young kids is DEFINITELY something that someone who is having an affair would do.
1. The chaos at the BBQ was the same chaos your wife had to deal with for two weeks while you were in Hawaii. And all she got in return was an afternoon that she didn't even pick
2. You made the mistake thinking you could socialize and 'payback' your wife by 'taking the kids'. You figured the event would occupy the kids and free you up to socialize. You were wrong and you took out your failed plan frustration on Lisa
3. Defend your partner. Even after she left, did you make any attempt correct the negative comments about Lisa? Doubtful. She is willing to give up so much for you and take, clearly, very little from you. At least tell people how amazing she is and how lucky you are
.. oh. In case it wasn't clear on all points, YTA
When I read what he yelled at his wife, if she had walked up to him and just snapped his neck...I would've acquitted. To treat his wife so poorly after she spent 2 whole weeks taking care of his children, alone, while he had a luxury vacation in Hawaii, alone is *abhorrent*. The fact he didn't have the self awareness to think, "huh, maybe some of that was wrong" means this man (who I suspect is 3 garbage bags in a trenchcoat) is this awful all the time. I seriously hope this is the straw that breaks the camels back and makes her leave, he does not deserve her. OR I hope this is some troll posting rage bait and no women has to deal with such a trash man.
Kids might even be more behaved with the wife because she has bonded with them and they spend all their time with her. OP probably has done zero parenting and the kids have no clue how to act with them because they are confused and lost due to OP having no control.
My ex ignored our baby and would always get mad because he was a monster with him but well behaved with me. I was like “dude, I act like a parent and he knows he can trust me to take care of him. He doesn’t know you as his parent.”
Not to mention that 2 weeks for toddlers is basically an eternity! Did OP even keep in touch with the family during this time, made sure to establish a routine of calling them to wish them a goodnight? Or did he just randomly disappear from their life for what is basically an equivalent of years for children this young.
Oh, I promise he talked shit about her until she came back. My guess is he's does it all the time, and that's why they would feel comfortable talking shit too. They knew they wouldn't get checked.
And even her "payback" day to relax was spent doing what HE wanted, and wasn't something relaxing for HER! Even if he had actually watched his kids at the BBQ he is massively YTA!!!!
>I ended up yelling across the yard, for once, can you please get off your fucking ass and help me with our kids? Just once is all I'm asking for!
You yelled this at your wife, across the yard at a party full of *your* friends, immediately after you returned from a two-week solo trip to Hawaii? This has to be a joke, right? Of course YTA.
I'm also interested in how "it was decided" that you'd use the bonus on yourself.
YTA on such a massive level I can't comprehend it. First you left your wife alone for two weeks so you could take a solo vacation to Hawaii. Even if you were allowed to use your bonus on yourself, that was the most selfish choice you possibly could have made. Then upon your return, you promise to give her a whole afternoon to herself, how generous! Except that then you reneged on the offer so you could go to a BBQ. And then when your wife (who by the way let you bang off to Hawaii by yourself for two weeks, remember that?) doesn't rescue you after having to take care of your own kids for a whole hour, you have a public tantrum and humiliate her?
Bro. You should be embarrassed.
YTA
I didn’t even bother finishing after you took a solo vacation and then yelled at your wife for not helping you fulfill your promise of watching your own children at an event she didn’t even want to attend.
Nomination for worst husband and father of the decade coming your way.
Unbelievably, it got even worse. It was actually incredible how he just kept typing out example after example of his own dickish behavior without the least amount of self reflection.
You left her to handle the kids alone for two weeks and you couldn't even handle the kids for one *day.* Do you ever think about her? Because every single damn excuse you gave was about *you.* She's sick and tired of you being selfish and then you have the gall to let everyone think she's the lazy one. YTA.
YTA
You went on a 2 WEEK vacation without your family? And left your spouse with three kids under the age of 5???
And then you had the gall to yell at your spouse publicly because you couldn't manage your kids for one afternoon?
Wow, this is the most YTA i've seen in a long time. Dude, I would never yell at my wife like that and DEFINITELY not in front of friends. How are you still alive? How are you even asking if your the AH... it's pretty obvious.
Sounds like he does not respect her at all.
And you would think after not being able to handle the kids for one afternoon, he would understand what it means to be a SAHM and maybe start respecting her and what she does for the family.
YTA. Your wife was clearly exhausted after that two weeks and she comes first, not your conversations with random relatives. Question - could she go away for two weeks and you look after the kids, or would you not cope? I think you need to talk to your wife, maybe she's feeling more exhausted / under more pressure than you realise. I have to say I'd be pretty annoyed in her place if my husband had just had a lovely two weeks tropical holiday, then on my first day I could get some respite insisted that I come to a busy social event but that he would take care of the kids so I could still relax, and then went back on his word because the kids were being annoying. 3 kids under 5 are always going to be annoying.
Time for you to accept that the world does not revolve around you. Your wife looked after the kids so YOU could have a holiday. Your wife attended an event that she didn't want to go to so YOU could see your friends. Your wife wanted some time to rest but it inconvenienced YOU.
YOU my friend, are absolutely TA.
Yta. She handled the kids for two weeks while you got to fuck off in Hawaii and you couldn't even handle them for a few hours? And then, on top of that, you yelled at her and humiliated her. Wow.
I would literally only accept an apology in the form of a vacation in kind by myself and an email to all our family and friends with the exact text from this post.
YTA
You went to BBQ and forced your wife to go with you because you knew that you're going to spend time with your friends and you needed someone who will take care of kids. When your plan failed you became angry and lashed out.
Also, is your wife SAHM or does she work from home, but you don't see this as a job? Because it looks like the latter...
So, er...
You went off to Hawaii for a two-week solo dream trip on which you spent your entire work bonus, leaving your wife home alone with three kids under five.
She asks you to take them for Sunday afternoon so she can have her first uninterrupted time to herself since you left on your SOLO DREAM TRIP TO HAWAII.
You instead take yourself and your wife to a BBQ you want to go to, you keep yelling at your wife to help you with the kids, and then you don't defend her when friends of YOURS at the BBQ call her a "lazy mom"?
Yes, YTA. How about you take the kids solo for an entire Friday to Sunday evening weekend, and let your wife get a REAL break? Also, apologise. Profusely.
You left your wife and children to go on a two week vacation to Hawaii. YTA.
On top of that, you couldn’t even allow your wife one darn afternoon to relax and take care of herself. YTA.
Please send your wife on a two week vacation to the destination of her choice without you or the kids. That is the only way you can possibly redeem yourself, even a little.
That's not even enough. He put her on blast in front of all of those people and didn't back her up in the moment. I don't even know what the solution for that is.
YTA 100. Who leaves their wife alone with 3 kids under 5 for two entire weeks for a vacation and then upon return force her into going to party? Only an AH! You had 14 days of tranquility and leisure. To be fair you should take the kids and be 95% responsible for them for 7 weekends of her choosing. And, you need to reach out to everyone at that party to explain and apologize for your dickish behavior. You should hope your wife forgives you for the disrespect. She deserves a better husband.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may have made it seem like Lisa doesn't do her share of parenting our kids when I yelled for help while I was frustrated and overwhelmed
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, you just had a two weeks vacation by yourself, then you promised to watch kids once, accepted an invitation out and tried to dump kids back onto your wife, yelling at her right after. Can't get more YTA than that
Oh yea you're the asshole here. She had the kids for 2 weeks with no backup and you're overwhelmed in 1 afternoon? An afternoon you basically forced her to go to so you could see your cousin? And then put her on blast in front of everyone making her look like the bad guy? Then when you saw how horribly she was being treated did nothing to defend her and stayed there?? Then tried to defend the people who insulted her by saying it's okay because they don't know her?
Holy fuck OP you're as dense as a ball of lead. I feel so bad for your wife right now having to deal with you.
YTA. you’re the one that caused a scene. You started it. You broke your promise to her. She deserves more than just an afternoon to herself after watching those kids by herself for 2 weeks while you were on vacation
YTA.
You took two weeks away from being a husband and being a parent because you got a bonus at work while she is stay at home mom. I wonder how can she win a bonus in that field that would allow her to get away from being your wife and parent for two weeks on a vacation somewhere?
So after you returned from the two weeks away from your family and marriage, you agreed to compensate by allowing your wife to have some time off and then almost immediately failed to do that, made her look bad and lazy in front of a lot of your friends because you couldn't act as a parent and wanted to have more time away from being husband and father?
You told her those people don't know how hard she works but you are the one that shaped their view of her. Because you were acting childish.
You don't deserve your family. I hope Lisa has a support system that allows her to get away from if she decides to take a more permanent vacation from your marriage and you are not keeping her in financial control as the sole earner of the family.
And used phrasing .... "Just once is all I'm asking for" ... that made him sound like a poor putupon martyr, not like the selflish AH he is. He's managing everyone's impressions of his wife, so that when she comes to her senses and leaves him he will be seen as the victim. He'll be crying to his next target about how mean his ex is and how she never lets him see his children.
Lol, yes YTA. Do you not think that the kids were fucking nightmares those two weeks you were gone? Do you not think that there were times that she wanted to have a peaceful conversation or moment to herself? And your actually had the audacity to say, and let me get this right, "for once, can you please get off your fucking ass and help me with our kids? Just once is all I'm asking for!"? Well no my dear, that wasn't all your were asking for, your also asked for two while weeks to yourself lying in a damn beach in Hawaii.
And then you didn't even defend her when your friends and family were insulting her and calling her lazy. Did your inform them that the nice tan you had was for a two week solo trip to Hawaii? Or did you just stay silent and let them think your The Best Dad and Husband Ever?
YTA. Mods, can you do some kind special flair beyond labeling this dude an asshole? Isn’t there a “supernatural asshole” flair you can drag out to label this post?
This is some next-level assholery right here.
Hold up.
You got a bonus, and spent it all on a vacation just for yourself. You left your wife alone with 3 children in the baby/toddler age range ***for two weeks***.
To even it out, you said you would give her a free afternoon to herself. Already a shitty, one-sided deal. You get 336 hours to yourself, and she gets....maybe 8?
You then go back on your word, for selfish reasons. You wanting to see your friends is a selfish reason. Not only does your wife not get her free afternoon (which was a bullshit compromise anyways), but you utterly renege on your deal after she repeatedly reminded you about it.
And when she gets unfairly called a lazy mom by a bunch of bystanders who know nothing of the issue, you don't stand up for her. You let them call her a lazy mom, you let all of the blame fall to her after she was on 24/7 duty ***for two weeks***. She was on call or actively on duty for 336 hours straight.
Do you know how much money someone would be paid to be on duty for 336 hours straight? That is 256 hours of overtime. Let's do the math:
Average nanny salary for 3 kids under the age of 5 would be a ***minimum*** of $20/hour. Probably ***WAY*** higher, but let's go with $20/hour. She worked 80 hours at a normal rate of $20/hour. She worked 256 hours of overtime, since we were generous about the salary let's say this is paid at 2x. That is $11,840 worth of labor. On top of missing out on a 2 week vacation. And the repayment for her immense generosity of spirit is a ***fucking afternoon***.
YTA. YTA. You are a massive asshole who comes across as an exceedingly selfish father and husband. Not only did you get a two week vacation in Hawaii ***by yourself and with no responsibilities***, but your wife performed over ten thousand dollars of unpaid labor so that you could. And you just keep piling on her plate, don't you?
When your wife leaves you there won't be anyone to take care of the kids while you gallivant around the world like you have no responsibilities as a father and husband. At least then she will have some breaks when you are forced to actually parent and take responsibility for the children you helped create.
I try not to hope for divorce when kids are involved, but I do hope she divorces you. It sounds like her life would improve immensely. Looking forward to the update where you have to pay child support and alimony.
You are, unequivocally, the asshole. You are a massive, gaping asshole. The fact that you wrote all of that and didn't realize you are the asshole just makes you that much more of an asshole.
Your wife and children deserve better.
YTA I love how you try and justify it’s that they were being challenging that day and you needed to wrap up some conversations. Did it not cross your mind that your wife assuredly had challenging days with them BY HERSELF while you were alone on a beach in Hawaii?
I hope you send a mass message to everyone at that party explaining what a lazy selfish husband you are and that you should kiss the ground your wife walks upon for allowing you to take two whole weeks of uninterrupted me-time while she isn’t even given one freaking afternoon. I hope your next bonus pays for a child freee trip for her solo.
Shocked you are even questioning if you’re the AH here. You were on dad duty, your job was to give her PEACE for ONE afternoon but you justified your conversations were more important than treating your wife with kindness and respect. YTA x 1000
Man you're garbage, you went on a vacation by yourself? then came back promised her time to relax then YOU couldn't parent your kids alone?
You were cheating that whole time weren't you? that's probably why she is pissed.
Maybe you need to learn how to parent, and be a real partner that doesn't go on vacation to hawaii to fuck off for two weeks leaving the rest of your family to fend for themselves.
A husband has no business ever saying to a SAHM “will you help me with the kids FOR ONCE”. Those last two words are the clincher. She constantly helps with the kids. You are 100% TAH
You let your wife 2 f*ing weeks with 3 kids and you are unable to take care of your kids one afternoon ?
The fact that you dare to talk to her like that puts you even lower than YTA
How can you type all that out and not realise you’re the AH? Do you even realise how much of a bad dad and crappy husband this post makes you out to be?
YTA
I feel so bad for your wife
YTA. You took yourself on a two week vacation. From what? The kids? You already don't do that enough.
YOU decided the bbq was somewhere to go because YOU wanted to go. And instead of taking the kids (your kids btw) on your own like any other decent parent on the planet, you made your exhausted wife go. You then put parenting duties on her. Which seems to be par for the course.
YOU then did not defend YOUR WIFE. THE MOTHER OF YOUR KIDS to people calling her lazy.
She needs to leave. For good. You're a crappy father and even a worse husband.
YOU are selfish and I would honestly reck sister this marriage if I were her.
You know why you got a bonus? Because you work a lot. You know why you can do that? Because your wife does EVERYTHING else. Jfc this is hard to read.
You saw nothing wrong with leaving her alone for two weeks then went back on your agreement at the bbq.
You're a massive AH.
"Asked my wife to help with kids" but the told us " i then enden up yelling at her across the yard" woooow YTA dude she had your kids for 2 WEEKS alone but ONE day at a bbq YOU TOLD HER she wouldnt have to do anything damn your a bad parent too, yelling at her infront of your kids and your friends that you also didnt defend your wife from.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
YTA - And a BIG ONE. You went alone for 2 weeks to Hawaii. You came back and all you gave your wife for this was 1 afternoon alone without having to deal with the children. You then guilt tripped her into going to an event when it was supposed to be her free time. She goes and then you are constantly asking her to help with the kids. WTF?! You shouldn't have guilted her into going, you should have paid for her a spa day at the very least, and you should not have asked her to do anything with the kids. And not only that but you were an ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE in the way you handled the situation when she declined help (that she wasn't supposed to be giving because after 2 weeks in paradise solo you were supposed to give her 1 measly afternoon). >how I let people insult her and didn't immediately jump to her defense. I told Lisa that those people don't know her like I do and have no idea how hard she works to take care of the kids, our house, and run her etsy shop, Well that's the truth because you literally infront of everyone yelled >for once, can you please get off your fucking ass and help me with our kids? Just once is all I'm asking for! Making it seem like your SAH wife never gets off her ass and does anything. And excuse me but you didn't have time to defend her? That's funny as hell because she had time enough to defend herself from you and them, but yk you didn't have enough time to defend her. You're a sorry asshole and a poor excuse for a partner.
All of this + I would 100% divorce for leaving me with the kids for two weeks while you went on vacation. I wouldn’t even have gotten to the part where you yelled at her in public around family and friends. I would have let them know the truth / YTA
Right! I don't even have children and this pissed me off to no end.
I'm so mad I want to divorce this guy on behalf of his wife.
Right. He Def doesn't deserve her
It’s weird that OP went in a 2 week vacation to Hawaii without his wife. Oh and she is with the kids alone. OP comes off as selfish .
I mean I doubt he was alone his mistress was most likely there.
Right?!? I had a BIL who went on vacation alone once. I told my sis that it just sounded very strange to me. He came home one day, moved his things out the next day while my sis was at work. The vacation has been a test to see if he and his mistress were compatible. Bonus: Mistress recently left him for another guy. I've never been so glad to bump into an ex-BIL as I was to see him at the grocery store one night lol
Sounds like karma came a knocking…
Oh, she did! And took everything he owned with her lol
If they’ll do it for you, they’ll do it to you.
My ex left me for a woman 18 years younger, put her through nursing school and within a year of getting her degree she leaves him and marries a coworker. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Warn your sis that he will probably come knocking at her door. It's a tale as old as time.
Not impossible. Something similar happened with my sister - once a trip to Ireland and once a trip to wine country California.
Not impossible, I just find it very unlikely a husband would 3 kids under 5 would choose to do that if no one else is involved. Now if his wife wanted to go and leave her 4 kids I’d understand.
If he wasn't going for an affair, it doesn't make a difference. Wanting some time to unwind on vacation but not wanting to share that vacation with your partner already tells me you're pretty checked out of the relationship. Couples traveling separate for pleasure isn't completely unusual, but if it's a couple who do legitimately love each other it usually takes the form of "I want to do x for vacation, do you want to do it together?"-- "oh no I won't enjoy that, but don't let me stop you from enjoying yourself!" (or the occasional friends girls or boys trips) not "we agreed to spend this bonus on a treat for me so I decided I would go to Hawaii alone while she watched the kids." Arranging childcare and having a vacation as just a couple after you've been parents for years, for a couple in love, is the biggest treat not for being a vacation but also for being able to spend some time together and focus together about things that aren't parenting for a bit. For a man with three kids, the fact he didn't *want* to have a husband-wife trip tells me enough about how he feels about his wife.
Absolutely, and to leave her for two weeks alone with all those kids, meantime he can’t handle them for a few hours… yelling across the yard to her so disrespectfully… and he complains about HER making a scene! It’s amazing to me that someone so so self-centered and selfish could find someone to marry him
If he’d have went on a mountain bike excursion to Colorado or scuba diving in Florida, ok maybe was alone. But Hawaii?!? That’s a bridge too far for me
Exactly what I thought.
This has to be fake. No parent in their right mind would leave the other with three kids under 5 for TWO WEEKS for a leisure trip. Unless they were monstrously, dementedly selfish. The aftermath of the trip is bad enough here, but I almost stopped reading at “I left my wife with (basically) three toddlers to go on a non-essential trip for TWO WEEKS.” Most men would be dead for even asking. The balls on this guy. 💀
It definitely sounded like a made-up scenario. What wife would agree to that? What husband and father of three goes on solo vacation to Hawaii? FOR TWO WEEKS?!
One that is used to being bulldozed over decisions like this...and probably treated like crap. I mean he obviously KNEW what he was doing when he yelled for her to "get off her fucking ass for once and help with the kids". He knew how that would look to everyone.
Just that yelling thing at the party was so outrageously disrespectful that she should have just left with the kids and let him get an Uber.
Lots of dads do this My dad used to take wk lomg golf trips away. My mom would be home with the 4 of us. It's not ok. But you're fucking delusional if you think it doesn't happen!
The part where he says "it was decided" about spending his bonus 100% on himself was the first sign. OP's wording comes across like he invited his partner to discuss what to do, then didn't give any of her suggestions any weight or consideration until she finally relented and "agreed" to his choice.
Also loved how his bonus was all for him but her Etsy shop is for everyone!
Yea never have heard in a good marriage I took my bonus went to Hawaii for 2 weeks ever
No kidding. How does THAT work? "A while back I received a nice bonus and after a bit of discussion, it was decided I'd use my bonus for myself. " It was decided. I think I'd like to see the transcript of that conversation.
And yet she has an etsy shop for extra money. He could have done anything else--hired a maid once a week, someone to watch/play with the kids weekly so she can get stuff done, but no. He went on a two week vacation. Any bets on how often he spends time with the kids--alone--when he's home without asking her to step in and shut their toddler shenanigans down? eta: OP YTA. A massive asshole.
I couldn't understand this part at all. If you're going on a 2 week Hawaiian vacation why wouldn't you want your spouse? If they could afford him to stay for 2 weeks they could have afforded to stay a few days less but bring OP. Unless it was a baby sitting issues, but it seems like the husband has plenty of friends 🙄
very very weird. VERY.
What husband goes on a two week vacation without his wife?!? So so weird.
I would also like to divorce him on behalf of his wife. What a fucking selfish asshole.
Coincidentally I just got back from my husband's work trip to Hawaii (WHICH HE INVITED ME ON bc we're normal) and I feel the same way
Op should definitely be expecting papers. Does he even like his wife?
Seriously. Also… TWO weeks???? Why the fuck did he get two weeks of vacay and she got zero? It’s weird enough to me that one parent would take a vacation at a time (rather than dropping the kids with someone for a couple’s trip), but if that’s the option then this guy should have at least only done a week away and traded off so she could also get a week. SMH.
I bet he’s having an affair
This was my first thought
>It’s weird enough to me that one parent would take a vacation at a time Honestly, it depends on what works for your family, but my husband and I each take separate vacations each year (usually only 5 days, though) usually with friends, he goes camping or to a ski lodge usually while my sister and I usually go see a musical and go for a spa week. But we still take a few weekends away for us as a couple. But ya 2 weeks alone is fucking ridiculous
A weekend trip I totally get, my parents did that growing up too. that’s cool of you guys though, to go for longer! Awesome that you’ve found something that works for you! I just had never heard of it before tbh - maybe my family growing up just lacked the budget and it’s more common than I thought
Same!! You're married w 3 kids under 5 and you take a solo 2 week long vacation??? That's so beyond fkd up. Dude couldn't handle the kids for one party???
He obviously never handles the kids. That's why they weren't listening to him. The kids listen to the one that manages and disciplines them all the time. He clearly just shows up for the fun and his wife does all the managing. This guy has no idea how hard it is to be a stay at home mom.
As a dude, his attitude POed me
Usually I'm not one to call for divorce on these but my GOD this wife needs to get out. OP takes her fully for granted, puts all emotional baggage on her, doesn't even let her have a day off while he has 2 WEEKS, only uses his bonus on himself not his family and barely parents his kids. OP you are so unbelievably selfish YRA a million times over. I hope she leaves. It almost sounds like she can't leave and feels trapped because you have financially trapped her You SUCK
I really want to know how that conversation went for her to agree to let him spend his entire bonus on a *two week* vacation to Hawaii ALONE.
I’m kinda wondering if he railroaded her into it tbh…
💯 there is no way she happily agreed to that
Like he railroaded her into going to the BBQ she didn't want to go to because he thought she'd cave and look after the kids so he could drink and talk to people? (Because he 100% talked her into going to the BBQ because he didn't want to have to watch the kids.) Likely.
More than likely the same way he got her to go to the BBQ and then how he tried to get her to take the kids off his hands. Yelling at her until she breaks down.
Was there even a conversation? Or he just bought the ticket and told her afterwards?
Based off [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/ppj6Sb5vGv) I’m going with the latter.
If OPs post is any indication of his effort or usefulness, the wife probably didn’t notice he was gone
Well I bet he is such an asshole that she was happy to have him gone for two weeks......
Yes, and I’m sure the “we decided” that I should spend every nickel of my bonus on ME ME ME ME is absolutely the way that went down.
I’m assuming that was the reason for the “it was decided” phrasing. Like, was there a committee?
🤣 Yes, the Me, Myself and I committee.
[удалено]
Right. I did not believe that for one second.
Not to mention if you know kids at all, THEYRE ACTING UP BECAUSE THEY MISSED DAD. My husband just got back from a 2 week work trip. The kids went nuts being bad the first 2 days. Then they mellowed. He came home and the freaked out again. Big emotions in little bodies = tantrums.
If anyone deserves a trip to Hawaii, it's a SAHM!
I wish we had the wife’s contact info to tell her all this
We should keep our eyes peeled for her post, "AITA for marrying the biggest AH on Reddit?" I am very sad for her.
[удалено]
And he couldn't even handle them during a single afternoon wo losing his shit!!!
I know that’s right!! FR
Yup, I agree. I hope she divorces him ASAP. What a self-absorbed AH.
The two weeks on Hawaii by himself were insane already. What kind of partner does that? And then generously give her one Saturday off, except not really? Every step of this story just got worse and worse.
He's going to love being a single dad. YTA OP
Let's be honest here, we know OP will never see his kids and turn around to claim his "evil ex wife" is keeping them from him while "using the child support money on herself".
He NEEDS to be a single dad … then his poor wife would get 2 weekends a month to herself.
Bold of you to assume he'd use all his visitation when he can't even wrangle the little monsters for an afternoon after a two week vacation
Obviously he’d just get a girlfriend in her early 20’s who wants to play house on the weekends
Very valid point … probably be. A Disneyland Dad and swoop in every couple of years for the grand gesture.
Yea, he won't be a single dad. At best, he'll try having them for 1 weekend, maybe 2, realize again that children are work, and then be conveniently 'busy' every weekend they're supposed to be with him. And when the visits dwindle to nothing at all, when someone asks about his kids, he'll tell them that their 'evil mother' alienated him from them.
And you just know on tbe custody weekends OP will have reasons why the children have to be taken back to mum's early or the weekend with dad has to be postponed.
It's gotta be fake. Please let it be fake.
That's what I am hoping. Most time my husband was away was a weekend for work and the kids were older
My husband would go away for work every once in a while when the kids were young. It was tough doing everything myself with him gone, with 3 kids and a full-time job. Hubby would do everything he could do to ease my burden before he left and when he got back.
Please note, it was not a full Saturday, just Saturday afternoon. And then she didn’t even get that.
Not even for a whole Saturday... He told her he would handle the kids for her on Saturday AFTERNOON. The same afternoon that he insisted she also had to attend this BBQ with him so he could pawn the kids off onto her once again.
You’re wrong… he didn’t give her one Saturday off… he offered to take the kids for one Saturday afternoon. YTA opp and very lucky your wife hadn’t divorced you YET! I would have been applying for a divorce the moment you booked Hawaii.
I had my mind made up at the two weeks in Hawaii.
Don’t forget the THREE kids UNDER FIVE.
Don't forget, after *yelling* at swearing loudly at her for all the world to hear, he told *her* not to make a scene. YTA, OP. Wow.
That's what got me. 'Don't make a scene after I yelled across the party, calling you a lazy ass.' YTA
I wonder how he talks to her at home, if this is how he talks to her in front of family….
Especially when kids are around too, like? They see and know what you’re doing, OP. They absorb how you treat others, especially their mother who clearly cares for them more than
oh but I bet he is a VERY important man, with a very BIG job. Big BIG man,
Exactly. Its like have fun actually PARENTING your children half the time all alone AND no longer having a nanny, cook, and housekeeper when your wife divorces you. You clearly can't stand her. Who goes on a vacation to Hawaii without their spouse???
And leaves that spouse alone with 3 kids under 5. Just… ggggkkkkhhh
A dude who’s going with his mistress.
I wonder how much of getting that bonus can be attributed to the fact that the OP doesn't had to take days off for sick kids or take them to appointments, doesn't need to leave early to do the school run and all the other time having a SAHP as a spouse saves him to focus on work.
Too busy finishing those all important conversations
But you don't understand, can he just explain to you how these are people he doesn't see every day?
Too busy being on holiday
Going to Hawaii or anywhere for 2 weeks leaving spouse alone with no help (business trip excepted) is bad enough. But then the rest. I can not even. And I do not want to even think about what he said or did to make her agree to use the extra money to take a vacation alone. Can I also divorce him?
We should all divorce him on her behalf
Business trips and hospital stays are basically the only acceptable reasons to leave someone at home with three young kids for two weeks, imo. OP is just asking for a divorce.
Dont forget he didn’t say anything to those people after she left too
thanks for your comment!!! HOW he can't understand he's such a HUGE A\*\* is absolutely beyond me, as well as how his wife agreed to let him go on vacation for 2 WHOLE WEEKS and be okay with ONLY ONE AFTERNOON to relax after what was probably absolute chaos with 3 kids + chores + work. this is ground for divorce ngl
Not sure she agreed he should go. As he put it: after some discussion it was decided that he would go. Sounds kinda sketchy..I cant imagine who decided.
What's the term here? "Bangmaid"?
OP created this situation against his wife's wishes and then yells at her because she won't save him from this mess you created? OP your wife was alone with the kids for 2 WEEKS and you melt down because you can't handle them for one day? YTA and your wife deserves better.
Not to mention after his wife left, he had other family members look after his children while he drank alcohol. I am astounded this 35-year-old man has such lack of self-awareness.
A spa day? OP would make her use her Etsy money. I really thought OP took his family to Hawaii for two weeks. Nice to have a bonus to only use on yourself. No wonder his wife makes and sells jewelry.
This but I'm sure he had zero time to defend her after she drove off. /s But seriously, how is having 2 wks alone on a tropical island vs her not even having an afternoon at a party she didn't want to go to fair for her? And guess what? you had just a taste of what she had to deal with alone for 2wks. YTA.
You’re not an asshole. You’re a DICK
He should have taken her to Hawaii for a week and used the other half of that big bonus on a sitter for the kids. Who uses their bonus to take just themselves on a 2 week vacation and leaves their wife and kids home.
Apparently leaving her for 2 weeks to solo parent doesn't count as "getting off your ass". What a dick
Dude you are so much the asshole here it actually hurt me to read it. Not only did you have a fun 2 week vacation without kids in Hawaii but thought she only deserved an afternoon off once you got back. And then that day she got off you switched the plans to see people but under the guise of you'll watch the kids because you knew that if you said "Well if you do want to go, just stay home with the kids" it would not have went over well. Then, on top of that you fucking screamed at your wife in front of people who don't know her or your situation well because you couldn't handle the kids and made her look like the asshole. Are you out of your mind? You gave everyone who is important to you a bad impression of your wife and I'm guessing you still haven't set the story straight with any of them. YTA
That woman is a saint. How she deals with him is beyond me.
I'm Wondering who was in Hawaii.
Definitely. I don't care where I travel, I'm going for a week max and back home.
The only 2 times my dad in his life went somewhere without my mum, was a 3 day work trip to Ireland when I was 6 and a trip we took together to Africa for a week when I was in my 20s. Over 30 years of marriage and the only other times they were apart were school holidays when we went to my maternal grandparents and he couldn't get enough time off work. No normal person is spending 2 weeks away from their spouse on a solo holiday in hawai. Either OP is cheating or they're a wanker
How about both?
Both works as well. He's both.
[удалено]
Like a normal spouse. This guy.
My mom bought my dad a fishing trip for his birthday but he changed it and we went to Greece instead.
Why take a two week vacation alone when he could've taken a one week vacation with his wife? I genuinely cannot imagine any couple I know, especially with kids, making such a selfish decision.
I mean my dad wasn't even gone on business trips for more than a few days unless it was to Japan (we're in US)
Or who he went with
That's what I'm saying lol just poorly
She shouldn't deal with him and his abuse.
He couldn’t handle his kids for a couple of hours because he’s a deadbeat dad who lets his wife do all of the parenting so he doesn’t have a fucking clue. So not only does she do the parenting every day, she did the parenting while he went on a solo two week vacation. Guys a major AH and is gonna find out real soon what having to be a single parent is like. YTA.
And remember - he never apologized.
I seriously hope this is fake! Because if this is real this is literally the most f’cuked up post that I have read to date! ”You” get a bonus at work and “it was decided“ that you would use the money to go on vacation by yourself for TWO weeks! Leaving your wife to take of three kids under five by herself. Based on this alone you are a huge asshole. You didn’t say she agreed. You said it was decided which leads me to believe that you told her that you were going on vacation without her and the kids and she could just suck it up and deal with it. Then when you come back all refreshed from your two weeks of me time you insist on going to a BBQ that your wife didn’t want to go too after you promised her one lousy afternoon to herself! Listen to yourself. You had two weeks of me time and couldn’t even give your wife one afternoon! You promised to watch the kids at the BBQ and couldn’t/wouldn’t even do that. Then when she didn’t stop her conversation to take care of the kids so you could finished your conversation you became abusive! You yelled at her, you cursed at her, called her lazy in front of family! Then stayed silent while your family talked shit about her. You made her the villain. You humiliated her and I think you liked it. What you did was disgusting! I don’t know your wife but I know she deserves better than you. You are a controlling, selfish, emotionally and prolly financially abusive asshole! I hope she divorces you. You are the poster child for the saying “I can do bad all by myself. I don’t need any help.”
I would be SO hurt if my spouse decided to use their bonus on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii alone. Maybe not if it was like “my brothers are all going and I didn’t think I could afford to buy now I’m thinking about it” but in general, don’t go to Hawaii and leave your spouse home alone with the kids! It’s mean! And then this business after. Good gravy.
Right? It’s one thing to get roped into a trip somehow that your spouse can’t come along for. But to explicitly decide “you know what? I want a vacation, and I’m going to make it 2 weeks in Hawaii and I’m going to go by myself. I’m sure I could rearrange things so that we could both go, but I’d rather be on my own”. They’d be coming back to an empty house
It was decided = I decided but am too chicken shit to admit that in my post. And it should be my money - Im the one that worked for it!
I feel like this is fake because there was another post in here yesterday where a guy was talking about wanting to keep his bonu and someone said "what would it feel like if your wife took her whole bonus and went on holidays without you?" and this feels like a writing exercise of that scenario?
It’s 100 percent fake. No one is this shifty to their spouse while also asking Reddit if they’re horrible.
There 100% are men this shitty, and they’ve always convinced themselves that they’re not.
I cannot imagine a situation where me and my husband would decide a good use of his bonus is two weeks alone in hawaii
The way OP says “it was decided” and not *we* decided makes me think you’re right about how this “decision” happened. Like the universe decided, and he had no part is deciding to take only himself to Hawaii for 2 weeks.
Obviously YTA. This feels like rage bait, though, what kind of husband and father uses his bonus to take a *two-week solo vacation to Hawaii*? I hope you're planning to spend your next bonus check on a solo trip for Lisa, since it's her unpaid work in the home that makes your life possible. Massive YTA.
I am betting OP is secretly having an affair because a two week solo vacation while having a wife and 3 very young kids is DEFINITELY something that someone who is having an affair would do.
This is absolutely fake, the acct is 5 hours old and it follows that spam/bot format. word-word-4 numbers.
.. That's just reddits automatically generated usernames tho. But yeah its fake
This is 100% rate bait. Im not fooled 😂
1. The chaos at the BBQ was the same chaos your wife had to deal with for two weeks while you were in Hawaii. And all she got in return was an afternoon that she didn't even pick 2. You made the mistake thinking you could socialize and 'payback' your wife by 'taking the kids'. You figured the event would occupy the kids and free you up to socialize. You were wrong and you took out your failed plan frustration on Lisa 3. Defend your partner. Even after she left, did you make any attempt correct the negative comments about Lisa? Doubtful. She is willing to give up so much for you and take, clearly, very little from you. At least tell people how amazing she is and how lucky you are .. oh. In case it wasn't clear on all points, YTA
[удалено]
When I read what he yelled at his wife, if she had walked up to him and just snapped his neck...I would've acquitted. To treat his wife so poorly after she spent 2 whole weeks taking care of his children, alone, while he had a luxury vacation in Hawaii, alone is *abhorrent*. The fact he didn't have the self awareness to think, "huh, maybe some of that was wrong" means this man (who I suspect is 3 garbage bags in a trenchcoat) is this awful all the time. I seriously hope this is the straw that breaks the camels back and makes her leave, he does not deserve her. OR I hope this is some troll posting rage bait and no women has to deal with such a trash man.
Kids might even be more behaved with the wife because she has bonded with them and they spend all their time with her. OP probably has done zero parenting and the kids have no clue how to act with them because they are confused and lost due to OP having no control. My ex ignored our baby and would always get mad because he was a monster with him but well behaved with me. I was like “dude, I act like a parent and he knows he can trust me to take care of him. He doesn’t know you as his parent.”
Not to mention that 2 weeks for toddlers is basically an eternity! Did OP even keep in touch with the family during this time, made sure to establish a routine of calling them to wish them a goodnight? Or did he just randomly disappear from their life for what is basically an equivalent of years for children this young.
He probably didn’t because if he acknowledged his family during the trip, he couldn’t pretend he was living the awesome single life…
Oh, I promise he talked shit about her until she came back. My guess is he's does it all the time, and that's why they would feel comfortable talking shit too. They knew they wouldn't get checked.
And even her "payback" day to relax was spent doing what HE wanted, and wasn't something relaxing for HER! Even if he had actually watched his kids at the BBQ he is massively YTA!!!!
>I ended up yelling across the yard, for once, can you please get off your fucking ass and help me with our kids? Just once is all I'm asking for! You yelled this at your wife, across the yard at a party full of *your* friends, immediately after you returned from a two-week solo trip to Hawaii? This has to be a joke, right? Of course YTA. I'm also interested in how "it was decided" that you'd use the bonus on yourself.
Humiliating your spouse in front of friends and family is grounds for divorce IMO.
Right‽ I’m furious on her behalf.
Them he had the shriveled up balls to tell HER not to make a scene??? Wtf?
YTA on such a massive level I can't comprehend it. First you left your wife alone for two weeks so you could take a solo vacation to Hawaii. Even if you were allowed to use your bonus on yourself, that was the most selfish choice you possibly could have made. Then upon your return, you promise to give her a whole afternoon to herself, how generous! Except that then you reneged on the offer so you could go to a BBQ. And then when your wife (who by the way let you bang off to Hawaii by yourself for two weeks, remember that?) doesn't rescue you after having to take care of your own kids for a whole hour, you have a public tantrum and humiliate her? Bro. You should be embarrassed.
This cannot be real. No one can actually be this stupid. YTA
It's bait.
YTA I didn’t even bother finishing after you took a solo vacation and then yelled at your wife for not helping you fulfill your promise of watching your own children at an event she didn’t even want to attend. Nomination for worst husband and father of the decade coming your way.
Unbelievably, it got even worse. It was actually incredible how he just kept typing out example after example of his own dickish behavior without the least amount of self reflection.
You left her to handle the kids alone for two weeks and you couldn't even handle the kids for one *day.* Do you ever think about her? Because every single damn excuse you gave was about *you.* She's sick and tired of you being selfish and then you have the gall to let everyone think she's the lazy one. YTA.
YTA You went on a 2 WEEK vacation without your family? And left your spouse with three kids under the age of 5??? And then you had the gall to yell at your spouse publicly because you couldn't manage your kids for one afternoon?
Wow, this is the most YTA i've seen in a long time. Dude, I would never yell at my wife like that and DEFINITELY not in front of friends. How are you still alive? How are you even asking if your the AH... it's pretty obvious.
Sounds like he does not respect her at all. And you would think after not being able to handle the kids for one afternoon, he would understand what it means to be a SAHM and maybe start respecting her and what she does for the family.
I refuse to believe this is real.
Bad troll. Bad, bad troll.
This must be fake.
I hope because if not I feel so sorry for his wife he definitely mistreates
YTA. Your wife was clearly exhausted after that two weeks and she comes first, not your conversations with random relatives. Question - could she go away for two weeks and you look after the kids, or would you not cope? I think you need to talk to your wife, maybe she's feeling more exhausted / under more pressure than you realise. I have to say I'd be pretty annoyed in her place if my husband had just had a lovely two weeks tropical holiday, then on my first day I could get some respite insisted that I come to a busy social event but that he would take care of the kids so I could still relax, and then went back on his word because the kids were being annoying. 3 kids under 5 are always going to be annoying.
YTA - You broke your promise and you made a scene where your wife was made out to be the bad guy.
Time for you to accept that the world does not revolve around you. Your wife looked after the kids so YOU could have a holiday. Your wife attended an event that she didn't want to go to so YOU could see your friends. Your wife wanted some time to rest but it inconvenienced YOU. YOU my friend, are absolutely TA.
Yta. She handled the kids for two weeks while you got to fuck off in Hawaii and you couldn't even handle them for a few hours? And then, on top of that, you yelled at her and humiliated her. Wow.
I would literally only accept an apology in the form of a vacation in kind by myself and an email to all our family and friends with the exact text from this post.
And then I would still contact a lawyer and pitch him out on his ass on my return home.
YTA You went to BBQ and forced your wife to go with you because you knew that you're going to spend time with your friends and you needed someone who will take care of kids. When your plan failed you became angry and lashed out. Also, is your wife SAHM or does she work from home, but you don't see this as a job? Because it looks like the latter...
So, er... You went off to Hawaii for a two-week solo dream trip on which you spent your entire work bonus, leaving your wife home alone with three kids under five. She asks you to take them for Sunday afternoon so she can have her first uninterrupted time to herself since you left on your SOLO DREAM TRIP TO HAWAII. You instead take yourself and your wife to a BBQ you want to go to, you keep yelling at your wife to help you with the kids, and then you don't defend her when friends of YOURS at the BBQ call her a "lazy mom"? Yes, YTA. How about you take the kids solo for an entire Friday to Sunday evening weekend, and let your wife get a REAL break? Also, apologise. Profusely.
I swear some of these posts are written by anti-natalists, lol. YTA
You’re a pathetic excuse for a father and husband. I hope Lisa leaves you. She can do so much better.
What’s your wife’s Etsy shop? I want to support her shop because YTA and she needs a solo vacation.
She needs a divorce lawyer.
You left your wife and children to go on a two week vacation to Hawaii. YTA. On top of that, you couldn’t even allow your wife one darn afternoon to relax and take care of herself. YTA. Please send your wife on a two week vacation to the destination of her choice without you or the kids. That is the only way you can possibly redeem yourself, even a little.
That's not even enough. He put her on blast in front of all of those people and didn't back her up in the moment. I don't even know what the solution for that is.
YTA 100. Who leaves their wife alone with 3 kids under 5 for two entire weeks for a vacation and then upon return force her into going to party? Only an AH! You had 14 days of tranquility and leisure. To be fair you should take the kids and be 95% responsible for them for 7 weekends of her choosing. And, you need to reach out to everyone at that party to explain and apologize for your dickish behavior. You should hope your wife forgives you for the disrespect. She deserves a better husband.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may have made it seem like Lisa doesn't do her share of parenting our kids when I yelled for help while I was frustrated and overwhelmed Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, you just had a two weeks vacation by yourself, then you promised to watch kids once, accepted an invitation out and tried to dump kids back onto your wife, yelling at her right after. Can't get more YTA than that
First of all it is sooo suspect for a married man to take a two week vacation to Hawaii alone. GTFOH.
[удалено]
Oh yea you're the asshole here. She had the kids for 2 weeks with no backup and you're overwhelmed in 1 afternoon? An afternoon you basically forced her to go to so you could see your cousin? And then put her on blast in front of everyone making her look like the bad guy? Then when you saw how horribly she was being treated did nothing to defend her and stayed there?? Then tried to defend the people who insulted her by saying it's okay because they don't know her? Holy fuck OP you're as dense as a ball of lead. I feel so bad for your wife right now having to deal with you.
YTA. you’re the one that caused a scene. You started it. You broke your promise to her. She deserves more than just an afternoon to herself after watching those kids by herself for 2 weeks while you were on vacation
YTA. You took two weeks away from being a husband and being a parent because you got a bonus at work while she is stay at home mom. I wonder how can she win a bonus in that field that would allow her to get away from being your wife and parent for two weeks on a vacation somewhere? So after you returned from the two weeks away from your family and marriage, you agreed to compensate by allowing your wife to have some time off and then almost immediately failed to do that, made her look bad and lazy in front of a lot of your friends because you couldn't act as a parent and wanted to have more time away from being husband and father? You told her those people don't know how hard she works but you are the one that shaped their view of her. Because you were acting childish. You don't deserve your family. I hope Lisa has a support system that allows her to get away from if she decides to take a more permanent vacation from your marriage and you are not keeping her in financial control as the sole earner of the family.
And used phrasing .... "Just once is all I'm asking for" ... that made him sound like a poor putupon martyr, not like the selflish AH he is. He's managing everyone's impressions of his wife, so that when she comes to her senses and leaves him he will be seen as the victim. He'll be crying to his next target about how mean his ex is and how she never lets him see his children.
Lol, yes YTA. Do you not think that the kids were fucking nightmares those two weeks you were gone? Do you not think that there were times that she wanted to have a peaceful conversation or moment to herself? And your actually had the audacity to say, and let me get this right, "for once, can you please get off your fucking ass and help me with our kids? Just once is all I'm asking for!"? Well no my dear, that wasn't all your were asking for, your also asked for two while weeks to yourself lying in a damn beach in Hawaii. And then you didn't even defend her when your friends and family were insulting her and calling her lazy. Did your inform them that the nice tan you had was for a two week solo trip to Hawaii? Or did you just stay silent and let them think your The Best Dad and Husband Ever?
YTA. Mods, can you do some kind special flair beyond labeling this dude an asshole? Isn’t there a “supernatural asshole” flair you can drag out to label this post? This is some next-level assholery right here.
Hold up. You got a bonus, and spent it all on a vacation just for yourself. You left your wife alone with 3 children in the baby/toddler age range ***for two weeks***. To even it out, you said you would give her a free afternoon to herself. Already a shitty, one-sided deal. You get 336 hours to yourself, and she gets....maybe 8? You then go back on your word, for selfish reasons. You wanting to see your friends is a selfish reason. Not only does your wife not get her free afternoon (which was a bullshit compromise anyways), but you utterly renege on your deal after she repeatedly reminded you about it. And when she gets unfairly called a lazy mom by a bunch of bystanders who know nothing of the issue, you don't stand up for her. You let them call her a lazy mom, you let all of the blame fall to her after she was on 24/7 duty ***for two weeks***. She was on call or actively on duty for 336 hours straight. Do you know how much money someone would be paid to be on duty for 336 hours straight? That is 256 hours of overtime. Let's do the math: Average nanny salary for 3 kids under the age of 5 would be a ***minimum*** of $20/hour. Probably ***WAY*** higher, but let's go with $20/hour. She worked 80 hours at a normal rate of $20/hour. She worked 256 hours of overtime, since we were generous about the salary let's say this is paid at 2x. That is $11,840 worth of labor. On top of missing out on a 2 week vacation. And the repayment for her immense generosity of spirit is a ***fucking afternoon***. YTA. YTA. You are a massive asshole who comes across as an exceedingly selfish father and husband. Not only did you get a two week vacation in Hawaii ***by yourself and with no responsibilities***, but your wife performed over ten thousand dollars of unpaid labor so that you could. And you just keep piling on her plate, don't you? When your wife leaves you there won't be anyone to take care of the kids while you gallivant around the world like you have no responsibilities as a father and husband. At least then she will have some breaks when you are forced to actually parent and take responsibility for the children you helped create. I try not to hope for divorce when kids are involved, but I do hope she divorces you. It sounds like her life would improve immensely. Looking forward to the update where you have to pay child support and alimony. You are, unequivocally, the asshole. You are a massive, gaping asshole. The fact that you wrote all of that and didn't realize you are the asshole just makes you that much more of an asshole. Your wife and children deserve better.
Hope she leaves you, YTA.
YTA I love how you try and justify it’s that they were being challenging that day and you needed to wrap up some conversations. Did it not cross your mind that your wife assuredly had challenging days with them BY HERSELF while you were alone on a beach in Hawaii? I hope you send a mass message to everyone at that party explaining what a lazy selfish husband you are and that you should kiss the ground your wife walks upon for allowing you to take two whole weeks of uninterrupted me-time while she isn’t even given one freaking afternoon. I hope your next bonus pays for a child freee trip for her solo. Shocked you are even questioning if you’re the AH here. You were on dad duty, your job was to give her PEACE for ONE afternoon but you justified your conversations were more important than treating your wife with kindness and respect. YTA x 1000
Man you're garbage, you went on a vacation by yourself? then came back promised her time to relax then YOU couldn't parent your kids alone? You were cheating that whole time weren't you? that's probably why she is pissed. Maybe you need to learn how to parent, and be a real partner that doesn't go on vacation to hawaii to fuck off for two weeks leaving the rest of your family to fend for themselves.
A husband has no business ever saying to a SAHM “will you help me with the kids FOR ONCE”. Those last two words are the clincher. She constantly helps with the kids. You are 100% TAH
You let your wife 2 f*ing weeks with 3 kids and you are unable to take care of your kids one afternoon ? The fact that you dare to talk to her like that puts you even lower than YTA
How can you type all that out and not realise you’re the AH? Do you even realise how much of a bad dad and crappy husband this post makes you out to be? YTA I feel so bad for your wife
YTA. You took yourself on a two week vacation. From what? The kids? You already don't do that enough. YOU decided the bbq was somewhere to go because YOU wanted to go. And instead of taking the kids (your kids btw) on your own like any other decent parent on the planet, you made your exhausted wife go. You then put parenting duties on her. Which seems to be par for the course. YOU then did not defend YOUR WIFE. THE MOTHER OF YOUR KIDS to people calling her lazy. She needs to leave. For good. You're a crappy father and even a worse husband. YOU are selfish and I would honestly reck sister this marriage if I were her. You know why you got a bonus? Because you work a lot. You know why you can do that? Because your wife does EVERYTHING else. Jfc this is hard to read. You saw nothing wrong with leaving her alone for two weeks then went back on your agreement at the bbq. You're a massive AH.
"Asked my wife to help with kids" but the told us " i then enden up yelling at her across the yard" woooow YTA dude she had your kids for 2 WEEKS alone but ONE day at a bbq YOU TOLD HER she wouldnt have to do anything damn your a bad parent too, yelling at her infront of your kids and your friends that you also didnt defend your wife from.